0:54🔗
Voiceover
Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. And listener discretion is advised. Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.
1:07🔗
Voiceover
Dr. Drew! Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, Dixon medicine specialist. Oh, my Christ, he's back.
1:26🔗
Dr. Bruce
Why don't you leave? No, that's true, except for it's the part, you know where the work comes, the work comes in A, attempting to steer guys who don't have the radio savvy.
1:41🔗
Dr. Bruce
No, I know, but here's what you're like. Yeah, you're right. Here's what you're like. You're like a dog who lives near an army base who does nothing, but is used to the shells going off. At least I don't have to chase you around the yard. You're not digging a hole, you can just, you nap through it.
2:08🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, you're not chewing anything, you're just going to, you just snap through it. So I don't have to do any work. Now I'll tell you where a lot of the work comes is, first off, you get a rotating cast of doctors in here, and just about the time I get used to saying the one guy's name, the next guy comes in the following. So there's an actual, here's the whole thing about radio, everybody. You talk for two hours, and the idea is not to think. It makes it much easier. Like when, and that's what most radio shows do, and when I say board certified vision, dictionary management, that's easy.
2:41🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's filler, we gotta go to the news, we gotta go to the weather. Hey, we got Two for Two's coming up. Let's check in with them, weather, sky cap, blah, blah. That, that's it, eventually, if you can get enough of that, you can put it together in hours. You can build a whole radio show around that. You never, you show up, you be high as a kite.
3:00🔗
Dr. Bruce
Hold on a second. I'm just saying it makes easier. When something changes, you have to remember, like you go, welcome back to Love Line, I'm Adam Carolla, that's Dr. Bruce Hensel. There's a little hiccup, you have to think. For a second, pow, that's what happens.
3:15🔗
Dr. Bruce
You're not on the radio, then you think, where am I? Yeah, you become like a waiter who, someone pipes up and says, what are the specials today? And you go, and the guy goes, we got a Chilean, Christ. You can tell he's got to think now and now he's pissed off. So anyway, it was a week of that. Everyone did a yeoman's job, Alther's always a good guy, and yes, did I learn anything new about Doc Alther and his procedures? Well, his book is a number like 7,055 on Amazon, maybe 70,000 or something like it's crazy at once all the hacked up penises. The picture of the forearm with the penis on it, I think we sort of thought, there's my favorite picture in this book of a genital reassignment is the one where there's a penis being grown on a forearm like a host. I was sort of under the impression that it was there for blood supply and that it was actually being nurtured there. That's very temporary. Just they actually build it in a couple hours and pull it off. I just show it. It sort of seems like, and everyone else, even Bruce Hensel, the doctor looked at it and thought it was there for a couple of weeks. Anyway, the thing that surprises how fast everything goes, the penis is off, the balls are splayed, the chicken is in the pot, souped the nuts, and it's like 45 minutes, they're stuff done. Like, if you're getting gender reassignment and you change your mind, you better do it in the first 30 seconds because you do it in minute 12. Your nuts are in the incinerator. What do you mean? I mean, we're picking out lipstick shades, we're done. Yeah, stuff's getting peeled back, and just the microsurgery that's going on with the blood keeping that thing and then pulling the sack and putting it, and you gotta keep the hair off the sack because that comes in and forms the vagina, and then you can't have hair growing in there.
5:23🔗
Dr. Bruce
Well, think about the sack. Think about mine looks like a Chinaman's beard. Imagine what would be going on inside of there. Yeah, all right. So yes, surgery, Drew was asking me about.
5:38🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, I had the surgery, get my head to quit sweating so much. Yeah, I just worked out so I'm all sweaty. So I got the one here and the one here, and then one in my armpit, and then one halfway down my rib cage, and I got the other one on the other side.
5:53🔗
Dr. Bruce
I don't sweat the details, but let me tell you this. I got a few things to say about it.
6:02🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yes. I'll tell you what I made a big, I'll tell you what I did. And this is something that we've talked about on this show a few times. Stuff we're done with and stuff we're not done with, which is there's inventions we keep moving forward with, like bottle openers and can openers and stuff like, okay, that's good enough. We're done. We had one that worked a long time ago. Now, the paint can, for instance, which has remained unchanged since 1855, where you bang the metal lid on it, it gets bent, it gets crusty and the paint builds up. Paint builds up in the trough. Somebody could work on that. Feel free to work on that.
6:43🔗
Dr. Bruce
Somebody finally put a screw cap on the thing, so you could be a human being, instead of ramming that sharp spout into the thing with the cardboard and having it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. The point is, there's certain things we keep working on that we could leave alone, and then there's other things. Somebody did that thing that the dealers, when they changed dealers in Vegas, you know, I'm done, and that was 100 years ago, the hospital gown.
7:09🔗
Dr. Bruce
As I was standing, you know, they do that thing, they give you the bag, you put your clothes in here, put your, here's the gown, we're gonna need to take everything off, and I said, everything? Yeah, my underpants? Yeah, we're gonna need it. Yeah, okay, and then we're gonna need to put the gown on. And the first off, it's all the sort of one size fits all thing, and you put it, I'm convinced the hospital gown is there so you don't try to make a break for it.
7:33🔗
Dr. Bruce
Because you, when you're in this thing, you feel like you could be, you're exposed, you're exposed to the world. Like, if you ran outside of this building, your nuts would hit you in the face, you'd be tackled by cops, your legs would be a kimono.
7:50🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yes, yes. It's made for you to walk, you have to shuffle your feet. You can't even bend your knees when you walk with this thing. You're scared something's gonna hang out. So anyway, they give you the gown, you pull the thing on, and then I found myself doing that thing where I'm trying to tie the bow with the thing, and then I do that thing where I'm looking in the mirror, and I'm looking over my shoulder, and I'm staring at my hairy crack, and I'm doing that thing, you know when you look in the mirror, you get inverted, you get backwards, and I'm tying, and then I get to the point where I yank the whole thing around to the side of my neck so I can get the thing, and then about 11 minutes into that, steam starts coming out of my ears. Like, what, no bathrobe? There's just, so I went out there, and of course, you know, all the Taiwanese nurses, they're all Filipino or whatever. And I'm like, look, has this thing changed since the Civil War? Are we done with this? Is this done?
8:52🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's the perfect device. It could never be improved. And really, this ain't 70 years old. This is 170 years old.
9:03🔗
Dr. Bruce
It sucked in the pre-Civil War days when it was originally designed. It sucks now. I can't get my hand, I can't tie the thing. My ass is hanging out. I'm gonna strangle myself with the collar. I'm gonna be climbing into this gurney. You, I hope you Asian broads like nuts cause here they come. Got a nice serving of hot nuts. You guys fly United, first class, you get a cup of hot nuts. That's, it's gonna be like that. There's gonna be a lot of nut. There'll be a lot of nut and some shriveled penis cause I'm a little nervous. Lot of nut, mostly nut in some, mostly sack and some penis coming. There's gonna be a lot of hair. So it's gonna be confusing. You really need to focus. Maybe a little gas will escape if you're lucky. I'll be crawling on here. Listen, you guys focus on the bed. I'm gonna be focusing on trying to keep the gown pushed down between the legs as we adjust. You guys all be at my feet, by the way.
9:58🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, you guys all be in position to experience the sack. I'll be attempting to get in thing. But meanwhile, the things will be pulling around and my ass cheeks gonna hang out like, but no underpants. Cause those could spontaneously go up in flames. You wouldn't want that happening.
10:21🔗
Dr. Bruce
I can't imagine all the deaths on the operating table from underpants just exploding into flames spontaneously before some proud pioneer installed this piece of legislation that said I had to give it up. So I-
10:38🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, well, that's all that I wanted to go home. Like, when I woke up, I was, I don't want to get out here, doctor wants to talk, doctors do a lot. Okay, here's the other thing, too, I've realized. Okay, first off, I had that thing where the chick next to me started freaking out, which is always a bad scene. You know, she started coming out, chicks are lightweight, so she started coming out of her thing and she, ah, mom, she'll scream for her mom and like kicking. People, you know, then the crazy Filipino nurses come over and they're like, you stop now, you know, and then she's like, I'm on, and there's like some struggling and you hear stuff getting knocked over and I'm just like, hello, this is uncomfortable. Hello, maybe I should send my nuts over. Yeah, I'd like to go home. And then I was like, the doctor's gonna need to, I know, here's the whole thing. And then this is, okay, I want to say this to you, Drew, you're a doctor. I don't need to talk to him. I need to go home. If you got something, I've heard it all.
11:35🔗
I've heard it all. I've heard it all.
11:37🔗
Dr. Bruce
Call me later, call me later. Let me get the F out of here. But the doctor's gonna want to-
11:41🔗
Dr. Bruce
And all, no, but I could have. All the doctor stuff, it's always repetition. And here's the other thing, too. All these guys, all the hospitals, they got one mode, by the way, and they kept saying to me, you don't seem nervous. You don't seem nervous. And it's a whole succession of people coming by wanting to know why you're not more nervous or why you're not more agitated. I just tell people, look, if I'm going to sleep, I don't care if I die. It's not that big. I don't care if I don't know it, I don't care. I really mean it. You put me under, do what you want. Make a gay porn and then a snuff film, fine. Sell it to Blockbuster. I don't care. I'm going under. I don't care. Now you tell me I gotta get myself a little root canal and I'm gonna be around for a couple hours to nice and lucid to experience the grinds, the sounds, all the great stuff that goes along with it that I care about. You put me to sleep, do what you want. So they put me to sleep, they gave me this thing, woke up, felt like a mule kicked me in the sternum.
12:43🔗
Dr. Bruce
Oh yeah, yeah, but I still, I just, what? I just wanted to get out of there. Here's the other thing too. Listen, and I don't know what you do over there, Drew, but they got the little, you want something to eat? Because they tell you, don't eat. You can't eat the night before, you can't eat that morning, you can't drink, you can't eat. By the time you come out of the thing, it's 1.30 in the afternoon, you're going on 19 hours of not eating. And then it's like, would you like something to eat? Would you like some crackers? Yeah, you get the saltines in the packet. Yeah. Really? Just send one of the nurses out going to Nilla Wafer Run or something. You know, it's the center of the market. You gotta grab some crackers. Not the stuff you got with the soup at the diner. You know, and it's like you're sort of half high and you're trying to break open the saltines and you crush one of them in the process.
13:41🔗
Dr. Bruce
When's the last time you enjoyed a saltine but past the age of nine? You know, just go get some goddamn crackers. This is the kind of, by the way, the guy was great, everything was great, everything worked out. Everything was beautiful.
13:54🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's crazy, Drew. It's crazy. This is bone dry, bone dry. Here's the thing. I just worked out. I just worked out. My head's bone dry. Where are you?
14:08🔗
Drew
Now I'm gonna change your emotional life anyway. Cause now you're a sympathetic blockade.
14:39🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, here's all I'm saying. At doctors, everybody, good. You gotta do better in saltines. You gotta do better in saltines.
14:48🔗
Dr. Bruce
Triscuits and the gown, the gown. Or let me have the underpants. Or here's some brave pioneer, invent a pair of underpants that can be worn during surgery.
15:03🔗
Dr. Bruce
There you go. And by the way, how much old man sack do you guys really need to see?
15:22🔗
Dr. Bruce
Let me tell you after. After my 20 minutes soliloquy in the hall with the ass hanging out in front of crazy gesticulations, arms flying, nurses not knowing what the hell I'm talking about.
15:45🔗
Adam
Okay, well, I have a problem, you know? It's more like a question than thing. You see, I was dating this one guy and I have a question. Can you get pregnant from doing it from the back?
16:35🔗
Dr. Bruce
First thing I need to do is, are you out of school now? But you'll be going back in the fall?
16:42🔗
Dr. Bruce
I need to find your health teacher. I need you to walk up to him like you want to shake his hand, and then I need you to throw a karate style knee right to the groin. And when he keels over, drop the double-fisted hand right on the back of his head, and look at him, and then spin on him while he's reeling on the ground.
17:11🔗
Dr. Bruce
I need you to, the next time you see your dad, I need you to extend your hand as if you're shaking it. Where is your dad?
17:42🔗
Adam
OK, yeah, but see, this is one main concern. How the heck is it that I'm two weeks late?
17:49🔗
Drew
You can be late in your period and not be pregnant. It's the most common reason for a late period, and you certainly can get a pregnancy test to be sure, because God knows maybe something leaked out or got in his hands or who knows what he was doing to you.
18:08🔗
Adam
No, you see, OK, I only had that one... I only did it that one time, only from the anal, not from the front.
18:17🔗
Adam
Because I'm a very religious person, and I believe, you know, best save it, you know, for when you really need it. I'm very religious that way, and I believe, period.
18:33🔗
Dr. Bruce
OK, what I'm going to need you to do, Amy, is when you go to church on Sunday, I need you to walk up to the Reverend's hand. I'm going to walk up, and I need you to extend your hand to him, like you want to shake his hand, and I'm going to need you to knee him to the groin, and when he keels over, I want you to drop an elbow on the back of his neck, right where the spine goes across there, and then kick him once in the stomach, and then spit on him, and yell, you failed me horribly. And then, I want you to look up at Jesus on the cross.
19:05🔗
Dr. Bruce
He'll be crying, and I want you to make a fist, and yell, you're next. Is this bogus, or are you that dumb?
19:48🔗
Drew
I know, but it's real, I think. Here's the deal. You're technically still a virgin, but virginity is not a technicality. And you've been very sexual and are no longer chaste. So the whole idea of virginity and modesty does not apply.
20:26🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right. This is bogus. Would you please just tell us this is bogus so we can get on with our lives?
21:04🔗
Dr. Bruce
This is the whole thing. There are no women bogus callers. There are women bogus puppet callers.
21:16🔗
Drew
Who casted the role and gave him the script. That's right. I'm sure a boyfriend's going, Amy, you are funny. You know what? We got to have you. Here's what we're going to do, Amy. I got a plan. Guys always got plans for their girlfriends.
21:27🔗
Dr. Bruce
And believe me, he's going to use this as a segue too. It's going to be like, that was funny about the anal sex call. Man, wouldn't it be weird if we did do it that way? You know, speaking of anal, yeah, he's going to use that stepping stone.
21:51🔗
Drew
Really? I'm sure he actually probably had a little war room discussion beforehand. The models of him and the phone and us.
21:57🔗
Dr. Bruce
Drew? How was, we can talk to Brandon for a second, but we got to go to break. But how was Boston?
22:08🔗
Drew
I wasn't on the Cape a lot of the time. I went to Washington quickly. You went to the Cape? Cape Cod, yeah. I went to Nantucket.
22:15🔗
Dr. Bruce
You know, it's weird growing up out in North Hollywood, all the Capes and the Tuckets and the Amarthas Vineyards.
22:28🔗
Dr. Bruce
I can guarantee that everyone, first off, I can guarantee it never came up. Like in the Corolla House, the Capes and the Vineyards and the things, it never, it didn't exist as far as I knew. I didn't ever heard about it until I was like in...
22:43🔗
Drew
I'm not sure there is anything further away from North Hollywood in terms of spiritually.
22:48🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, you heard about it. Once in a while, there's like some sort of Kennedy compound discussion, but that was just some sort of fairy tale. It was like Valhalla or something, I didn't even know. And the discussion of anyone... We never knew anybody, never heard of anybody. There was somebody who lived in Philadelphia that was like, that's as far away and as exotic as it ever got. And I don't think I ever even knew until four years ago. Like, I still couldn't find these places on the map, I'll tell you where they were. All right, so you did the Cape, the Cape Cod, and you were in Boston for a while.
23:27🔗
Drew
They just killed, they just creamed her. Well, she was in an ice theater troupe, and so we were with a group of families. We had a lot of fun. It was good.
23:39🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, you must have darted her. We'll take ourselves a quick break. Our guest tonight, Dr. Drew, everybody, in the hissy. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.
23:49🔗
Thank you for calling Loveline.
23:59🔗
Dr. Bruce
As many as one in three Americans with HIV don't know it, to find a testing location near you, call toll free, 1-866-344-K-N-O-W.
24:22🔗
Drew
So what about the emotional? We're gonna finish our discussion about surgery here. Yeah. Are you aware of any emotional?
24:31🔗
Dr. Bruce
I'll tell you, I've been on the brink of like a nervous breakdown, like the last, like from the time I got my surgery till about 20 minutes ago.
24:44🔗
Dr. Bruce
Like angry, irritable, moody, super irritable. Nothing's going right. Why can't people, you know?
24:50🔗
So what's different than a bunch of Fikenin?
24:53🔗
Dr. Bruce
No, usually, usually I'm just, you know, it's just a lot of smoke and mirrors. This time I mean it. Like I'm driving everyone nuts around me. I've been like depressed and angry. I was, I was taking too much, I was taking too much Fikenin and stuff too. I was, I wasn't sleeping right. I was getting up. I had surgery.
25:23🔗
Dr. Bruce
Saturday, about one in the afternoon. I got up at 5.45 Sunday morning and started hanging doors at my house.
25:31🔗
Dr. Bruce
Like a maniac. And then just went all the way through and then started getting all moody and depressed and irritable. Yeah. It's weird.
26:11🔗
Dr. Bruce
I dropped my shorts. Dr. Hensel last night went, you better get going now. I will make a phone call tomorrow kind of thing. Yeah, you know what I figured out? I've had my hernia for like 10 years, hasn't made a move. My hernia thought it was getting surgery Saturday. And I realized it was like, you know when you open a can of tuna and your dog thinks it's dog food and your dog's like, here we go. Oh, we're eating? It's time to eat. My hernia, you know, I must've started getting like the ether and the gas and the stuff and the gown and my hernia was like, oh, that's about time, take care of this. That's why we need the underpants taken.
26:51🔗
Dr. Bruce
I met with your guy about four or five months ago or maybe three, four months ago. And he told me in the next few months, it's gonna be time. And this whole thing just got, it made its move. The last couple of days, it's game on.
27:18🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, it took him two days to call me back. Could have been dead. Could have answered the phone dead. Hello? Hey, yeah, we'd like this guy. It's too late, I'm dead. Wow, you're quite articulate.
27:32🔗
Drew
Oh, I'm gonna love this. I'm gonna go for this here. Please. This is not fun. I had the bilateral double hernia then last year. It was a bad time.
27:45🔗
Drew
At least the one night. I think I came in the second night. I think I came in the second night. Yeah. Hey, Drew. Yeah. When you were gone, Adam was impersonating you, doing opera and singing. He said you were bitching quite a bit, and that's what that was. When you got your hernia.
28:05🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, Drew's really built me up for this. And I don't know, can you get two procedures done in like 10 days?
28:19🔗
Right.
28:22🔗
I think I have a masturbation problem. Like, on average, I do it four times a day. Sometimes I get like seven times a day and my penis starts getting sore. And I wonder if that can have any issues later in life.
28:48🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, with all these, you know, whenever a call, a guy goes, I keep beating off and my hulker starts bleeding, but I do it again anyway. Is that gonna hurt me for, is it gonna fall off or?
29:07🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, it's equivalent to saying, it's equivalent to saying like, I take a ballpoint pen and I grind it into my wrist and I don't stop and it starts turning red and then it starts bleeding.
29:25🔗
Yeah.
29:32🔗
I'm just wondering if the penis has to be a certain length to get a girl pregnant. No.
29:50🔗
Oh.
29:53🔗
Yeah.
30:05🔗
Dr. Bruce
You can keep people pregnant. You're having a hard time? Are you trying to get someone pregnant?
30:38🔗
Dr. Bruce
You know me, you know, Steven, I don't judge. You can't judge. You know why I don't? Yeah, I don't judge because I can't because everything's the same and everything's beautiful. Nothing's bad. All cultures are fantastic and all actions are the same. But this is a effing stupid. I don't know what you're doing, but I'm guessing you could be doing more. You could make more money. You'd have a better career. You'd be better educated. You drive a nicer truck. I was gonna say car.
31:15🔗
Dr. Bruce
I work at a car wash. Unless you own, and I was gonna say a car wash, but 10 car washes. I don't want to hear about it. What do you do at the car wash?
31:35🔗
Yeah, we have a shop there too.
31:40🔗
An hour, I make commission.
31:47🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, that's fine for a 21 year old, but it's not enough for daddy. You need to do better than that. And she's 17. She shouldn't be raising anything at 17. Get her an ant farm.
32:00🔗
Drew
I don't know what the age of consent is in Texas, but it may also be illegal, by the way.
32:05🔗
Dr. Bruce
Here's the thing. Look, here, your kid, here's what your kid is like. Your kid is like an art project. And at 17, you're not a good artist. So what is your project gonna look like when you're done with it?
32:22🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's gonna be crappy. It's not gonna look good. It's gonna get a, give it a D, D minus. You know what I'm saying?
32:33🔗
Dr. Bruce
You are gonna sculpt a person and you're not much of an artist at 17. You are gonna make the world's crampiest ashtray. That's what you're gonna end up with. And will the ashtray work? Can you put a cigarette in it? And is it gonna end up in jail? Maybe not. But would it be better if you waited 10 years and you got a little training and learned what you were doing? Of course. So why do it? Why screw it up at 17?
33:07🔗
Dr. Bruce
He put some probe in each side of my chest and went right down the middle, no, the front part.
33:19🔗
Dr. Bruce
I don't know what he went for. He burnt something out. He showed me a picture. It's red. Well, here's the thing, too. Your high is a kite. Like, you've been under, it feels like you got into a boating accident and basically you woke up in the hospital, you know? And then they're showing you a picture, your guts. And it's like, by the way, could have been just a, could have been a picture, could have been a hysterectomy, he was showing me a picture of. And he was like, you see what we did here? We took this. Okay, listen, I'm, okay. How about, what about the saltines? What about those? Didn't I get a penny and a half worth saltines? The other thing they give it to you, okay.
34:10🔗
Dr. Bruce
The pouch, but it was like between the saltines and the thing you're sucking on with the straw in the pouch, it's like, okay, when's nap time? When's play time over? It's like, hey, you got anything for the adults over here? And by the way, it's Saturday. I might be drinking a beer at this time anyway. If ever I could use a brew. It would be now. How about you pop a Michelob light over there? Is it? When I get home. I mean, look, if you can, I'm drinking on a plane, now's the time. You know what I'm saying? I could use a smoke and a nip right now. Those are the adults.
35:06🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, I had some glass of wine, a little, that was fine. All right, where are we talking to, Drew? Oh, I got it, yeah. Chris?
35:17🔗
Dr. Bruce
How about giving a patient a beer every once in a while? Cool, you'd be the cool doc.
35:31🔗
Dr. Bruce
Served with the 4th Infantry Division over there, and I've been having some problems just kind of dealing with everyday life, I guess.
35:54🔗
Dr. Bruce
Not everybody, at least most parts. If you were over there for more than six months, you're going to see it eventually, I mean.
36:12🔗
Dr. Bruce
I was actually supposed to get out in May of 2003, but they extended me for the stop loss and extended me six months for the war.
36:26🔗
Dr. Bruce
I'm not really sure what it is. It's just like every once in a while, if I'm not on the highway, not in the car, I get a general fear of roads. I just get this scary feeling. And like I hear fireworks and I get all freaked out. If I hear the Disneyland fireworks go off at night, I get all freaked out. I think it's mortars or something like that.
36:46🔗
Dr. Bruce
Well, you know, especially the road there, I can imagine, because most everybody was ambushed. I mean, most of the casualties were on the roads, right?
36:59🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, it's been freaky thinking you're in someone's crosshairs the whole time and they got some, you know. Yeah, I know, but you do, because you're here and you're thinking about it.
37:12🔗
Drew
Well, but before you were too, you just learned to live with it and it sort of affects your brain and it's sort of the state it's in. And it's the state of hypervigilance and hyperstimulation and yeah, do you have night terrors and that sort of thing? You wake up in a sweat? Yeah? Does the military offer you any sort of opportunity for treatment for that? Because you're really-
37:34🔗
Drew
You might want to check it out because you're not describing a full blown syndrome, but you're definitely have features of it, which is phobias of the kinds of circumstances that you were exposed to, night terrors, anxiety, irritability, depression. And then flashbacks. This is all part of post-traumatic stress disorder. And to some extent, you're supposed to get some of that. You were in these incredible circumstances. It takes a while to get over that.
37:56🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, it probably, you wouldn't be alive if you didn't come back a little bit freaked out.
38:05🔗
Drew
Well, if there's one thing VA knows how to handle, it's PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, because that's what everyone comes back with. And hopefully it'll be something that'll just kind of pass. There's various ways of classifying it, but most of these get better by themselves.
38:24🔗
Dr. Bruce
We'll get a fantastic call after this. Drew. Guess how many terrific sense acts deodorant body spray comes in? No, it's more. No, more. Yo, it's Loveline. Phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. Patton Oswalt is gonna be in here tomorrow night, as well as Brian Posehn. One guy is really tall, the other guy is really short. You'd recognize them if you saw them. They're very funny, and they'll be in here tomorrow night, and I'm not sure what they're plugging, but we'll find that out then. Step and just do this one thing, just this one little thing, hold on.
39:37🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, Drew, back in the hissy. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, and we'll speak to Ross. Ross is one of these names, by the way. There's certain names that are popular names, except for no one's named it. Ross is that name. Ross, you're a very popular name.
40:15🔗
Dr. Bruce
The point is, is I know everyone's thinking of a Ross right now, but is there a more popular or more well-known name that no one has named other than Ross? Do you know a Ross? Is there any Rosses? How does that work? How does it get out?
40:45🔗
Dr. Bruce
No, no, that was the S from the Ross before, and then you ended it with the R from the beginning, the third Ross. Yeah, it must have a great publicist, Ross, because it's the world's most popular name, except for no one is named Ross. Ross. You're 26?
41:15🔗
Drew
My 11 year old son said Touche to me the other day. Wow. He goes, ah, Touche. Where'd you get that?
41:24🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, well, I had four general piercings, four penal piercings to be exact, an ampoules, an opendravia, a phrenom, and a Prince Albert.
41:59🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, it goes straight through the head. It actually glances through the urethra. So over time, you actually dribble out of both, both piercing holes as well as your urethra.
42:11🔗
Dr. Bruce
When you say both, you mean the top and the bottom one? Yeah. Really? And if you put your finger over the end of your urethra, it would just spray up and spray down?
42:34🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, we're one. Yeah, if we're Indians, we do that handshake thing where we do that, we both look at each other. Our hands shake, we shake so hard, you know? Yeah. All right, listen, obviously something's wrong with you for putting all these holes in your penis, but get to your question.
42:50🔗
Dr. Bruce
Okay, well, my Prince Albert, I started stretching it and stretching it and stretching it, and eventually the piercing was the size of almost a big pen, and I woke up one day and the jewelry had migrated. Which left the end of it split.
43:13🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, basically it had rejected the jewelry, which left a split from where the piercing originated all the way to the end of the urethra, leaving a open split.
43:40🔗
Dr. Bruce
Okay, and so it exposed all those nerve endings, which makes it really, really sensitive. So if you're getting like fellatio, Fragatus. Then it just makes it unbearable. Yeah, all right.
43:59🔗
Dr. Bruce
Hold on. Yeah, but still. That's how you use it. That's how you use it, yeah, but still in the sentence.
44:06🔗
Dr. Bruce
Is there any way like a plastic surgeon or somebody can sew that sucker back up? Might need to take a laser and, you know, glue it back together?
44:23🔗
Dr. Bruce
You know, this guy turns coffee mugs into functioning vaginas. I mean, there's nothing-
44:32🔗
Dr. Bruce
I'm sure he could make one hell of a broad out of you, Ross. Yeah, beautiful. I would try to get hold of someone like that and get a consultation.
44:48🔗
Drew
Garry Alter does that kind of thing specifically. But I don't know what you gain by sowing everything back together.
44:54🔗
Dr. Bruce
Well, here, I'll tell you what. You're in Sacramento. You're gonna have to either head north to San Francisco.
45:08🔗
Dr. Bruce
A little further north, yeah. More west. You're gonna have to head into town, is what I'm saying. But I'll bet Frisco, not a bad spot, there's gotta be a couple of crackpot doctors over there that focus on the junk.
45:22🔗
Drew
I just don't see what he's gonna gain from that. I'd be very surprised if the sensitivity was actually significantly improved.
45:34🔗
Dr. Bruce
I know. And listen, all you screwballs putting all your bolts through your joint, please.
45:39🔗
Dr. Bruce
Use your brain. All right, go talk to a, go talk, go to San Francisco, find a guy and talk to him. Mike?
45:45🔗
Yeah.
45:48🔗
All right. This man was desperate for a drink, so he decides to mix gasoline and milk. Well, ends up he gets sick and throws up in the fireplace, burning himself severely. Germany or Florida?
46:11🔗
Yeah, it's Germany. It's actually, I heard it on Bob and Tom. They said they got off to Drudge Report.
46:17🔗
Dr. Bruce
If you heard it on Bob and Tom, then it's got to be true. Most news organizations go to Bob and Tom when they're looking for facts. When they're doing their fact checkers, we'll go to Bob and Tom to see if they can confirm things. So if you heard on Bob and Tom, it is. It happened. Yeah. If Bob and Tom said Dr. Drew died in a plane crash on his way home from Boston, you wouldn't be here. You would have to go back and do it. All right. We will take ourselves a little break. We're going to get on the computer and figure out who Bob and Tom are. And we'll be right back after this.
47:00🔗
Dr. Bruce
Call the Dateline. 1-877-889-DATE. You know what I'm saying, I'm dead! This hour...
47:45🔗
Dr. Bruce
I'm Adam Nuts, Dr. Brew, over there. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Oh, it's good to have Dr. Drew back in the studio.
47:58🔗
Dr. Bruce
No, no, I just, you know, it's just, you know what? You're like comfort food, you know? Well, sure, it's not that good, it's not good for you. But you know what?
48:18🔗
Dr. Bruce
Saltines at the operating room in the individual saltines. Did you just grab those at the diner or? No one's head out and get some triscuits? No, not gonna do that. Well, what'd the operation cost? 7,500 bucks?
48:37🔗
Drew
I think there's actually, the food has to go through dietary kind of thing. The way the institutional stuff's evaluated.
48:44🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's gotta be. And by the way, who decided, they fed me saltine for that I had this little operation. Who decided saltines was that you needed to be punished after an operation? Who decided, first off, I once heard medically that there's nothing worse than a saltine. It is, here's what saltine is. It's tons of salt, hence the salt in the tin. It is just pure raw bleached flour, like the flour that's been stripped of any nutrients at all. It's a bunch of shortening and maybe a little bit of sugar. It's all the stuff you're not supposed to eat packed into one wafer. It just, there's like zero redeeming nutritional value in a saltine. It's just, it's just calories. You couldn't do worse than a saltine if you're feeding, flan, flan is better.
49:48🔗
Dr. Bruce
Even that, even that would be better. Even that better. I don't think nutritionally saltine is down way, way like next to gummy bear and mayonnaise packet on the nutrition pyramid. Like saltine, lard, salt, flour, shortening, that's it. Who decided that this is the staple of choice when you're recovering from something? Oh, hey, hey, you're not feeling good? You should eat something that you would never eat normally because it's really that bad for you. And you haven't eaten since you're in the third grade. Here you go, eat some of these. We're trying to nurse you back to health by giving you something that's not very good for you. And it tastes like ass and now you'll be, you'll have, you'll be like a mini little dust bowl inside your mouth. So here you go, here's some of these. Oh, I have, I know you're still drugged up. Enjoy struggling with the packet, by the way. You'll be crushing them, by the way, as you take them, attempt to take them out of the packet.
50:46🔗
Dr. Bruce
There you go, there you go. No, no, no triscuits? No wheat thins? Nothing like that. Why are saltines? Why? I know you could get a metric ton of them for $1.75, but other than that, I really, I did. I heard a nutritionist say about the worst thing you could ever do is just drink diet soda and eat saltines.
51:10🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, we'll serve them at the hospital though. That'll be the cracker of choice. Cindy? Why the saltine, Drew?
51:19🔗
Drew
Why? Because salt, when you're dehydrated is good. And when you're trying to get calories in any way possible, that tends to be an efficient way to get it in.
51:28🔗
Dr. Bruce
The wheat thins got enough salt in them. With their plenty chock full of sodium. Go ahead, Cindy.
51:34🔗
Okay, this question is for Dr. Drew. I enjoy anal sex, but I always get bladder infections afterwards.
51:54🔗
I'm not complaining about the feeling, I'm just complaining about the after effects. Which are? The urinary tract infection.
52:06🔗
Well, it all kind of all happens in one night.
52:09🔗
Drew
Well, what you're doing there is tracking some of the debris from the anal activity forward.
52:15🔗
Do you think using a condom would help?
52:29🔗
Well, I'd like even like souring in between, but I guess the condom, I think, would do.
52:34🔗
Dr. Bruce
When do you, do you start with the vaginal intercourse and then go ahead to the anal, or is it the other way around?
52:42🔗
Yes.
52:45🔗
Dr. Bruce
That's a good thing. But the, so the urinary problem is vaginal sex, and I'm guessing it's vigorous.
53:07🔗
Dr. Bruce
Okay, but here's the whole thing. Just the straight intercourse, vaginal intercourse is, yeah, they got to crank it up a notch.
53:16🔗
Drew
These are the guys. I actually think those guys have like deficiencies and their ability to experience arousal. They have to have super arousal to feel okay.
53:25🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, these are like the guys who go to the Indian restaurant, got to get everything super boiling, super spicy hot in order just to taste anything. And to the regular guys, it's a distraction. That's too much. It overtakes. No, no, you got a beautiful dish. You got a beautiful curry dish here. I can't taste the chicken. I can't taste the noodles or anything. No, it just seems like one big ball of lava.
53:53🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, like this is uncomfortable. But yeah, they need everything turned up to 10, otherwise they don't know they're alive.
54:04🔗
Dr. Bruce
Cindy. Have him dial it down a notch with the intercourse and then go sick with the anal. You heard me.
54:25🔗
Drew
He's got to be careful. Yeah, that's urethra's up front, okay? Right. And so what you're coming up against there is what causes the infection. And whether it's his hand or the penis, whatever, it's got to all be clean and not too vigorous, as Adam says.
54:45🔗
Dr. Bruce
Basically, yeah, the penis is like the warhead. My ass is the missile that's driving it. You know, my body would be like the the delivery device. It's like the sub or the silo.
55:04🔗
Drew
Yeah. And by the way, if she continues to get your attractor infection, some women have to use antibiotics every time they have sex.
55:29🔗
Caller
Well, I mean, I've noticed that they've just seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. And I guess yesterday I had one that was probably about the size of a half dollar.
55:37🔗
Drew
Oh, that's actually not that big, believe it or not. And maybe for her, but there can be a lot worse.
56:07🔗
Caller
Yeah, but if you wear, like if you wear pads, I mean, when you use the washers, it comes out.
56:22🔗
Dr. Bruce
Speaking of pads, when are you moving out of your mom's pad? And into your own tampon, Chris? Yeah? Soon. Soon?
56:45🔗
Drew
But, Erica, the fact that it's clots, some women have clots all the time, and they can be quite substantial. It's really an issue of how many tampons you're using a day. You're soaking through them, that kind of thing that makes it a really significant issue. But in your case, it's a change. You also have an IUD, and you know it's in the wrong spot. It's irritating the lining of the uterus, and that's why the extra blood formation. And then you need to get that taken care of.
57:17🔗
Dr. Bruce
Well, I just recently had a surgery. I actually recently had two. But I first, I had an abscess on the rectum.
57:43🔗
Dr. Bruce
Did, now, when you say surgery, did they have to lance it? Were there stitches involved? They pack it. What do they pack it with?
57:54🔗
Drew
New gauze. Yeah, it's a little gauze with a strip sticking out. It looks like a wick sticking out the end.
58:21🔗
Dr. Bruce
And by the way, by the way, you can tip the guy at the Starbucks for bringing out the medium decaf. Go ahead and tip the guy, pack the boil on the rectum.
58:33🔗
Dr. Bruce
I know, but I'm just saying, if there is tipping going on, that's the guy whose palm needs just a little bit of greasing.
58:48🔗
Dr. Bruce
Actually, after the second surgery. But the first surgery, the first thing I got was Jell-O.
58:53🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, now hold on a second now, Megan. You're getting me fired up. I really think the only food that's worse for you than saltines would be Jell-O. And, by the way, I've not seen, not had, not a micron of saltine or a piece of Jell-O has passed my lips in 30 years.
59:19🔗
Dr. Bruce
Why all of a sudden do we have to have this stuff crammed up our ass? Why can't they just say to you? Yeah, it's right up there with the gown.
59:28🔗
Dr. Bruce
How about this? All the tests that go on, all the stuff that goes on, all the chest x-rays and the blood tests and all the workups and all the paperwork and everything's in triplicate, all the stuff that goes on, all the hoops that need to be jumped through before you do any kind of surgery anymore. How about they say to you, what do you like? You Paps Blue Ribbon man? You domestic or import man? What do you like? All right, forget the booze part, but you like a saltine or what do you like? You like a Nilla Wafer? How about one of them Petridge Farm cookies? Oh, everyone likes them, one with the little chocolate in them with the mint.
1:00:17🔗
Dr. Bruce
Probably get a nice piece of fish. Here's the thing, really the only thing that would make this experience worse is the green jello and the saltines. Now I'm in hell. I was in pain, now I've been broken. Yeah, how about someone just grabs a bag of the Petridge Farms and gives you that and how about a little chocolate milk and some of that?
1:00:44🔗
Dr. Bruce
And by the way, what do you think I'm gonna do? Eat one of those nice Girl Scout cookies and start clutching my heart flat line? You're gonna have to get the crash card in there? Really, is that gonna kill me if I eat something? Is there something about it, something tasting good that's gonna send me to the grave?
1:01:01🔗
Dr. Bruce
Go down the goddamn 7-Eleven and get something. Just get something I recognize. How about you just give me a Baby Ruth bar? Let's give a couple of, how about a Snickers bar? There you go, it's got, it's chock full of peanuts. How about a Snickers bar and an orange juice?
1:01:23🔗
Yes?
1:01:35🔗
Drew
If you were Wetzel's Pretzels or something like that, there's a whole lot of business there for you.
1:01:40🔗
Dr. Bruce
Soft pretzel, yeah. And by the way, you would never enjoy it like you would, you'd be like, oh. Like you eat one at the airports, like, oh, who cares? You're angry, you're in a rush or whatever. Maybe someone will give you a nice soft pretzel. That's right. You'd do it like you'd do the ballpark. Hot dog.
1:01:59🔗
Dr. Bruce
Oh, Drew, you would go insane if they gave you a piece of pizza, right? Decent slab of pizza.
1:02:21🔗
Dr. Bruce
The abscess was the size of a golf ball. And at the second time, I guess it was just the size of his thumbnail, so a little bit smaller, but it was inside. You know, he had to go past the muscle and everything. It was fist shield tracked.
1:02:58🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's terrible. All ass-related pain just falls on deaf ears. Be able to slip back. I know. All right, I feel for you, but what's the question?
1:03:10🔗
Dr. Bruce
My question is about anal sex, of course. I know you're doing a question about that tonight. But I was wondering, should I just quit that altogether? Or should I stop for like six to eight weeks while I'm recovering?
1:03:26🔗
Dr. Bruce
He just said that most of the rest may be two weeks, but I would be probably totally healed in six weeks.
1:03:45🔗
Yeah.
1:03:46🔗
Drew
Listen, when people ask me what are the medical consequences, I put fistulas and abscesses on the list, and hemorrhoids and sphincter primates. Really?
1:04:01🔗
Dr. Bruce
He saw it. You're probably wearing a nice sweater and a long skirt, and he just sort of, he seemed like, he probably thought it was off your menu.
1:04:10🔗
Drew
Forget about off the menu. You'd be amazed at how people, if you just bring things up that are potentially on the list, people freak out.
1:04:19🔗
Drew
If you're not an anal sex type and the doctor brings it up, it's how dare you? What are you thinking? And so, Megan, you gotta give him a couple of clues if that's what you're interested in.
1:04:35🔗
Drew
Yeah, you have abscesses, you have abscesses. Here's the thing. Here's some anal sex. By the way, Rob, I'm gonna have to talk to him about-
1:04:50🔗
Dr. Bruce
I get a colostomy back. Yeah, or I just stop eating or I'd say exclusively cello and saltines.
1:04:57🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, a little pouch of punch, a little straw. You got to stuff through there like a retarded kid. By the way, what happens to you at the hospital all of a sudden you become a retard? Here's your cracker, here's your sack of punch, here's that, no, no, put that, no, don't touch that. What happens? You become a retard. You can't eat food, you can't do anything, you can't try anything. I'm gonna sit up, no, no, no, no, no. All right, Drew, real food at the, that's it. You know what? When I get this hernia surgeon bringing my own goddamn crackers and I'm gonna start selling them.
1:05:37🔗
Dr. Bruce
Right after? It's just that thing where you're there for like an hour. You gotta hang for an hour.
1:05:59🔗
Drew
Perfect, I'll be there. I'll be there laughing my ass off. Don't worry about me, Brian. And, and.
1:06:05🔗
Drew
Apologizing to all the nurses for the diatribes that you're all into. Oh, with the gown.
1:06:10🔗
Drew
It'll be such an embarrassment. I've got to preserve my dignity by going in there and defending. He doesn't, I don't know the guy, but I know he can be this way.
1:06:18🔗
Dr. Bruce
I got a radical, I got a radical idea with the hospital gown. There's a little something that was invented about 45 years ago. It's called Velcro. How about some goddamn Velcro on the strap?
1:06:40🔗
Dr. Bruce
And by the way, it's not even a, you can tie a bow in a shoelace. Try tying a bow in a strip of cloth. It's always, it comes undone. You end up having to knot it up. It's the only way to keep it. And then it's a knot. And if you do the single knot, it comes undone immediately. You gotta do the double knot. You gotta wrench down on a little. How about a little strap of Velcro?
1:07:06🔗
Dr. Bruce
Drew, you just get there, because when I come out in that gown, there's gonna be complaining, a planning. I hope I get a boner. I do. What about the shaving, Drew? I gotta do some shaving down there.
1:07:19🔗
Dr. Bruce
They will? Oh yeah. Are they prepared? Because it's gonna take more than the Lady Bick.
1:07:26🔗
Dr. Bruce
I mean, they're gonna need a couple of Mexicans and a weed whacker, I mean, someone's gonna have to hit it first. You don't just get out there.
1:07:57🔗
Drew
I'm still at Easter time, you know. I got completely over, I haven't done that in a long time, but I got completely in the wrong time.
1:08:27🔗
Dr. Bruce
Hey, everybody, Loveline. Adam, that's Dr. Drew in the house, just what the doctor ordered, everybody. Long week.
1:08:40🔗
Thank God for Dr. Drew.
1:08:45🔗
Drew
I'm looking forward to this hernia thing, because I remember the grief you gave me about that. I can't wait for you to sort of experience that one.
1:09:00🔗
Dr. Bruce
Mess. I'm on death's doorstep, Drew. Yeah. Well, maybe not on death's doorstep, but death's walk.
1:09:15🔗
Dr. Bruce
But I'm on, I'm inside the gate. I made it over the fence. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on the driveway toward the front of the house, but I'm, you know, by the fence. Yeah. And if you go up and you turn left, you can go in the path that goes in the front. Or if you keep going straight, there's a kitchen entrance to death's house. You know, the regular issues. Let's talk to Paige. Yeah. Death tell you to wipe your feet too. Paige? You're 24? What's up?
1:09:53🔗
My family has a heavy addiction problem that goes way back. And I was learning the best way to do an intervention in the best places in Southern California to get somebody into a drug rehab.
1:10:07🔗
Oh, I got three, my two sisters and my father.
1:10:17🔗
No, my mother and I will probably do it. My parents are divorced, but.
1:10:24🔗
Prescription meds, Vicodin and a couple of painkillers. And so on.
1:10:29🔗
Drew
And do they, any of them know that you're interested in their taking care of themselves?
1:10:33🔗
Yeah, my two sisters have been through detox, but the problem's a little bit deeper than that, you know?
1:10:38🔗
Drew
They've not participated in treatment. Yeah, well, you know, intervention are usually quite expensive.
1:10:59🔗
Drew
You're paying for somebody really making sure that somebody gets into and through treatment. And it depends where they have to go. Sometimes people travel the world with these interventions.
1:11:06🔗
Dr. Bruce
You're not paying, an intervention, you're not paying for the treatment, are you?
1:11:11🔗
Drew
No, no, that's just to get somebody into treatment and through treatment, to have somebody really shepherd them through.
1:11:23🔗
Drew
And I'm not saying that all are that expensive, but some of the really good ones are at least five, I would say.
1:11:30🔗
Drew
He's gonna rehearse, he's gonna write scripts, he's gonna get all the important people together, the necessary people, and you want somebody that has essentially 100% success rate of getting somebody into and through treatment. And those guys, those people come at a price.
1:11:45🔗
Drew
That's part of the deal, is the bag is packed, you ambush them, and the car's running, the engine's running, they're outside, you push them in the car, and that's it, pow, gone.
1:11:52🔗
Drew
And that person has to have selected where you need to go, what the most appropriate treatment is, line up the doctors, it's quite an operation.
1:11:59🔗
Dr. Bruce
I would need some flan and some wheat dens. Because I couldn't live off that Jell-O and salt peas, you know, all that time.
1:12:05🔗
Drew
Having said that, Paige, really, the best thing you can do, and the thing in my experience that has the highest impact upon changing an addict, getting them to be willing to go to treatment, is for the important people in their life to go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor, and work the steps themselves. So if you're on your mom, go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor, and actually get out of the dance that you're in with your addicted family members. And you're gonna need to do this anyway if your family does in fact go to treatment. You may find that after a few weeks or a couple of months of you both working a program, they may suddenly be interested in going. It's amazing how that happens, but I've seen that over and over and over again. So you go to Al-Anon, you get a sponsor, you change, you no longer engage in the dance with them, and they will freak out about that. You'll see, they'll be looking for direction at that point.
1:12:57🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, baby doll, good times and good luck. Wow, that seems like, there's never been a TV series about an interventionist.
1:13:13🔗
Drew
Yeah, except it's sort of about, they're intervening on all kinds of behaviors. It's really kind of skewed. Apparently it's good, but I don't know.
1:13:32🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, people, there's no doubt this is an intervention. We've got a prepared script, but I want you to have fun with it. All right, Pops, you're first, let's go. Give me the reasons why I need to get into rehab. I love you, son.
1:13:54🔗
Dr. Bruce
Drop down and give me five, Pops. Corolla says to pack some wheat dens. All right, let's talk to, huh?
1:14:28🔗
Adam
I don't know. I just know that I want to have a baby, and I want to know, like, how can you get, like, information on getting artificial...
1:15:01🔗
Dr. Bruce
I would rather give her, like, an armed Trident missile with a nuclear warhead on it than give her a kid. I really would. It would be more responsible. It really would. It could take out the city the size of Chicago. Still, she could keep it in her room. It would still be a more responsible proposition.
1:15:28🔗
Adam
Yeah, I'm responsible. I live with a roommate. We pay bills and everything like that, got a job.
1:15:48🔗
Dr. Bruce
Telemarketer. That's not having a job. It's just not having a job. But it's not actually having a job. There's a difference.
1:16:03🔗
Adam
I don't really hate them. It's just that I don't really trust them that much either because I don't know. My dad, when we grew up, he was real religious, like those people that think… I think he thought women were whores or something because that's all he called me. And then I didn't see him for about seven years, I think.
1:16:42🔗
Adam
No, not like the sexual kind. But if, let's say, I made him, like, we got mad, if he got mad or something, he would, you know, I guess, you know, discipline.
1:17:14🔗
Adam
I was supposed to meet him actually about three months ago and he stood me up and I had a mental breakdown. I went to the mental hospital.
1:17:24🔗
Dr. Bruce
Well, listen, KJ, here's the thing, baby doll. You got to get a real job, got to get a little education, maybe a little therapy for having a screwy dad and no kids for 10 years.
1:17:46🔗
Dr. Bruce
As you know, if you listen to the show, I've really just had an ass full of almost every religion.
1:17:58🔗
Dr. Bruce
Now it's over. Now it's over between me and my maker. Here's the part where I've really had an ass full with the religions. Society's tolerance of it. And it's even further than tolerance. It's a sort of... Reverence. It's a reverence slash false respect. It's the way... It's sort of the way super guilty white people treat black people. Oh, no, that's great. Oh, no, that's great. Oh, no, yeah. I read Clint's book while we were...
1:18:27🔗
Dr. Bruce
That's what super left-wing, super left-wing apologetic white people, what they do with black people. No, no, you guys shouldn't have to get a score on a test. You should go... No, you don't have to be qualified. You should do. Because you feel so bad. And there's this weird sort of thing. I've had an ass full of it. I'm done with it. I'm tired of religion. I'm tired of all the kooky... I've had an ass full of the Middle East and their nutball religions. I was skipping rope the other night. I was... I skipped rope. I just put my headphones on. I just watched the TV with the sound down. I saw the big letters. What is it? Trouble in the Middle East. And I thought, oh, trouble in the Middle East.
1:19:17🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's shocking. But everything's so great. That's such fine. The religions. It's a trouble in the Middle East, Drew.
1:19:28🔗
Dr. Bruce
You've been out of town, so you didn't know. I mean, I'm sure you thought everything was just going along swimmingly over there.
1:19:34🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's such a wonderful culture and the religions. It's wonderful. It's all wonderful.
1:19:38🔗
Drew
This reminds me of the Bill Clinton thing because his BS with religion and stuff. I read his book when I was on vacation.
1:19:44🔗
Drew
Adam, listen. There's so many things in that book that blew me away in terms of how primitive he is. I was shocked and I thought I understood the guy. First of all, he's severely racist.
1:19:56🔗
Drew
Everybody. He described as Joe Smith, the Italian down the street, and Mr. Smith, the Irish guy, and Mrs. The Black Guy. It's like, people were not of certain ancestry. They were that. That's how he identified them as that.
1:20:12🔗
Drew
Crazy stuff. Then you realize he was raised in the South. That's how they think in parts of the South still. Mother dropped him off for a few years with the grandparents. Just dropped him off when she had to go do some training for a nurse.
1:20:35🔗
Drew
By the way, none of his parents ever went to church, but yet he did it with his friend. They went down to listen to sermons.
1:20:45🔗
Dr. Bruce
You're a married guy. You had a an affair going for 12 years. Deeply religious, deeply. And you're raping the intern with the cigar. Deeply, deeply religious. If you if you if you do believe it, you should be institutionalized. So here's my choice. I'm giving you. You either are a liar. I'm going to three choices. One is a liar to about your your devout religious delusional religion to delusional three. You're just yeah, you're just insane or for a liar. I don't believe you. How is it these guys that are deeply deeply religious can rape interns with cigars while they're you know, their wife, the marriage, the sanctity, the bond of marriage is that you know, nothing religion loves more than that. What are you doing with the cigar, buddy? I've just had an ass full of all you idiots with your retarded religion.
1:21:49🔗
Dr. Bruce
And let's and society. Let's stop being so goddamn tolerant of it. Well, I'm preaching all the time. Bush is the same way.
1:21:56🔗
Drew
Wait, wait, wait, wait, let's refine this. Hang on a second because because religion is something humans seem to need.
1:22:03🔗
Drew
It helps them. Would you not agree that really what you're complaining about is orthodoxy? People that say it's so and we can't discuss it any other way. They can't be rational about it. You can be spiritual and religious and not orthodox, and not orthodox. I mean, rigid.
1:22:25🔗
Dr. Bruce
I'm tired of society giving a free pass to everybody because of their so-called religion. And I'm tired of the sociopaths like Clinton who go out and do their thing and then convene with their clergy and their deeply religious men and, OK, well, I see he made peace with his God. He's fine. No, I don't let him off just same way as you wouldn't let off a guy who killed somebody who gets to get to repent for sins. I've just had an ass full of it. These guys are liars. I don't believe them for a second. I don't believe Clinton believes in anything. I really don't. And if you are so deeply religious, why are you writing a book? Why are you on a campaign trail? Why are you out taking pictures with people? Just go find a cabin and read the Bible, would you? And why don't you spend ten minutes with your wife, for Christ's sake? She's your backbone. She's your life. You couldn't have done anything without her. Why don't you spend ten minutes with her then? Why don't you guys just go get a place and have dinner? Turn the TV set off. Read the Bible together and shut up. Please. He's sitting there. I saw the 60 Minutes piece on the guy. They're on TV lying to everybody. By the way, do you just get to lie? You get to lie your ass off and then all of a sudden, oh, no, it's cool. You write a book. That's great. There's a book, how many chapters, on you lying? Why do we need? What? We need to believe you now? I got the tape from you on 60 Minutes in 91, just sitting there lying your ass off with your wife right next to you, lying her ass off. All's forgiven? Oh, that was the old you? Oh, yeah, yeah. That was about, you were a kid. You were 46. Yeah. Wait, you were in your 40s. Yeah, that was a different time. That was a whole 10 years ago. You're a liar. It's just not good. Let's go get your Bible and go to church. Why do you have to shut up? Enough money. Spend 10 minutes with your wife. You love her so much. You love Jesus so much.
1:24:31🔗
Dr. Bruce
You love your Bible so much. You love your wife so much. Go get a Bible and your wife and go to church. Leave us alone. I love Clinton so much for he's obviously a sociopath. I feel bad for the guy. The guy was abused. He was abused as a kid and now he's a sociopath. It's extremely obvious. And why are we listening to him? All he does is lie. He's great. He's great. He's great. That's right. Go buy his book. What do you need to read about? What's in there? What do you need to know?
1:25:05🔗
Dr. Bruce
Why does anyone need to read it? An alcoholic mom abused him and he lied to everybody.
1:25:18🔗
Dr. Bruce
By the way, forget about Monica Lewinsky. What about the 12 year relationship he had with What's Or No?
1:25:23🔗
Drew
12 years. If you were, if you were having a relationship with somebody, Listen to this.
1:25:29🔗
Drew
If you were going to write a book about your life, What would a major component of that life be?
1:25:38🔗
Drew
But in other words, there'd be like your family of origin, right? There'd be your sort of education and child experiences.
1:25:45🔗
Drew
And then wouldn't you put in your like, your relationship with females and things, how that went, how it developed?
1:25:57🔗
Drew
It better be a life story, right? Not one mention about relationship with women. Until Hillary.
1:26:05🔗
Drew
Well, one, like there's like a paragraph on some girl during law school or something. I mean, what?
1:26:10🔗
Dr. Bruce
He just doesn't want to piss her. He just kisses her ass. Every, every, look, every interview the guy does, all he talks about is Hillary and how she's his strength and his backbone and everything. Yeah, why you have a 12 year relationship with some other chick then? You love her so much. Where is she, by the way? Why don't you guys spend any time together?
1:26:32🔗
Dr. Bruce
Okay. Here's who you love. You love Jesus and you love Hillary. Meanwhile, you're raping chick with a cigar and you're having a 12 year affair with somebody else. Who else do you love? I hope. Is it me? Because what are you going to do? Club me to death? That's just, I just, everyone, please stop paying attention to these liars. Start listening to me. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back.
1:27:02🔗
Dr. Bruce
What are women most attracted to? That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.
1:27:09🔗
Dr. Bruce
You got Axe, Deodorant, Body Spray. Hey, everybody, Loveline and Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Drew hates Clinton, everybody.
1:27:30🔗
Drew
I don't hate him. It just refueled my indignation at the lack of people's willingness to really talk realistically about who he is and what he's done, and us buying, as you say, his lies. I'm not even harsh enough to call him a liar. He's a distortion.
1:27:49🔗
Dr. Bruce
He's just damaged goods. He just got raised by a crazy, horrible mom, and now he's a mess. That's just the way I look at him. You need some therapy. Aaron? You're 23? What's happened?
1:28:04🔗
Drew
I actually, by the way, ended up feeling sorry for the guy reading the book. I felt like really sorry for him.
1:28:09🔗
Dr. Bruce
I had a couple of two questions. My wife's pregnant seven months now, and I heard towards the end of pregnancy, you should have as much sex as you can to help her out during the birth.
1:28:31🔗
Dr. Bruce
Yeah, you gotta put some mink oil on her vagina too and have your dad park the car on it. First of all, you work it in like a catcher's mitt.
1:28:44🔗
Drew
There's a chemical release called relaxin that sort of loosens all the joints and the pelvic, even the joint that holds the pelvis together loosens. So that area is already extra loose.
1:28:53🔗
Dr. Bruce
Relaxin sounds like one of those BS chemicals like talking about this, our new herbal tea now with relaxin.
1:29:03🔗
Drew
It's just, it's a chemical they had not identified when I was in training. So they just sort of put it, gave it a name. And the baby's head's coming down the pike there. Your penis, sorry, pales. And the whole thing will dilate by virtue of neurobiology. But on the other hand, women tend to get very aroused during the last part of pregnancy. That's when they're really at their most receptive or more than that, tumescent. They're very tumescent during that time.
1:29:37🔗
Drew
Now you can also induce birth a little bit. So if you have a high risk pregnancy going, you gotta be careful. Brittany, what's up?
1:29:42🔗
Adam
Yeah. I have been dating this guy for about two months and he's 18. Tomorrow, we're supposed to be hanging out and the whole time we've been dating, my rule has been 16 for having sex because I'm a virgin.
1:30:08🔗
Drew
Perfect. 17, let's push it up a little bit. Would you like us to decide for you? We'd be happy to actually. No. You don't want to have sex with him.
1:30:32🔗
Drew
You've known him for two months. In the big scheme of things, this guy is not gonna go on. You're gonna have sex.
1:30:43🔗
Dr. Bruce
He's gonna release that relaxant in you. And then he's wheeling off to Tennessee.
1:30:49🔗
Drew
Yeah, no, no, don't do it. Do not do it. You'll regret it. I guarantee it. Make a pact with us. You will not do that.
1:30:55🔗
Dr. Bruce
It's not your daughter, Drew. When is he leaving to Tennessee? Oh, that's too soon. Yeah, here's the thing. Listen to me, I'm a genius. If you were gonna tell me that he was leaving in September sometime and that this is gonna be a summer relationship kind of thing, and you were gonna turn 16 in three weeks. Okay, you're more 14 than you are 16, number one. Number two, this guy's outta here in a week, week and a half, that's it. Not even a week and a half. If it is pretty much a week, he's outta here. That's it, no sex. It's gonna screw you up and you'll regret it your whole life.
1:31:41🔗
Dr. Bruce
Your whole life and maybe beyond. You may be in God's mansion, cause he's got a mansion and the streets are paved with gold and you'll be up there and you'll be at his hem of his garment there and you'll be regretting it. That's how long it's gonna last. And then that keeps going cause you never die. And then you get reunited with people you love, but not the people you don't like.
1:32:09🔗
Dr. Bruce
The 60 billion? Yeah, no, there's not gonna be any people that are involved like in certain stages of evolution. No, they won't be up there.
1:32:29🔗
Dr. Bruce
Not other animals. There'll be no grizzlies or manatees or anything like that, but there will be dogs and kittens with no full grown cats. They didn't make the cut. They'll see if they can vote them in next year, but it doesn't look good for them. So there'll be pets, only your beloved pets, not ones you didn't like that much, or ones that got rabies and died in the woods. It's a little tricky. The point is there's some animals and then there'll be you.
1:32:58🔗
Dr. Bruce
And there'll be some guys, but not everybody. Okay, and not people you don't like. It'll make sense when you add it.
1:33:10🔗
Dr. Bruce
No, no, you're talking about reincarnation. That's different. This is going to happen. All right, we'll take a little break. Yeah, and the cripples and stuff will be healed. So you might not recognize it because there was a guy in a wheelchair that you knew from high school.
1:33:27🔗
Dr. Bruce
They'll be smarter, yeah. And unclear how old they'll be, but they'll be up there. They'll be the age they were before they got to Alzheimer's.
1:33:36🔗
Dr. Bruce
All right, I got it. I got it worked out. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.
1:34:19🔗
Dr. Bruce
Well, we gotta finish the show, because Drew and I got to get on the cell phone. We got another 25 minutes of saltine. Not nearly done with the saltine diatrine. Really? That's it, that's the best we can do. All right, God bless you for tuning in. Pat Noswold in here, and Brian Posehn, two of the funnier guys you're ever gonna hear on this radio show tomorrow night. So, until next time, this Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.
1:34:47🔗
Dr. Bruce
This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.