7:09🔗
Voiceover
Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn here tonight.
7:21🔗
Adam
Two funny, funny, hip, attractive comedians currently work in the LA scene. How's it going, gentlemen?
7:41🔗
Adam
I'll tell you, there's not much that's good about the radio, but one is just calling everyone attractive.
7:52🔗
Adam
Well, no, I'll tell you why. Because I'm sitting here in person. I'm looking across the console, a couple of good looking, funny guys that are currently on the LA scene.
8:08🔗
Adam
They're making the LA scene, doing their own brand of attractive comedy. They're good looking comedians and are currently on the LA scene.
8:41🔗
Adam
You can find both of them doing some voiceover work on our beloved Crank Yankers, as well as Patton on King of Queens. And Patton also has a new comedy CD out where it's called Making the LA Scene.
9:02🔗
Adam
It is out as we speak. And if we find something that's funny and clean, and they're not often the same thing.
9:16🔗
Guest
Yeah, exactly. You go, how you folks doing? And then you've immediately gotta cut it off.
9:26🔗
Adam
So, and we're, by the way, it says Patton here is gonna be performing at the John Kerry benefit.
9:46🔗
Adam
You know, I was seeing that they did one, I think maybe while you're out of town at the Disney Center over there, the new one. It was like Neil Diamond and Babs was there and a lot of heavy hitters. And then, then Issey Morales. You know what I mean? It's like Tom Cruise. Who the hell, like, yeah, Barbra Streisand, Issey Morales. And I realize he's quickly becoming the Byron Allen of the Latino community. You know what Byron Allen is to the blacks? I think Issey may be the next.
10:23🔗
Adam
That's right, right. And, you know, I have this theory about Byron Allen that I could do it, I could spend it. And you guys, this is really, you know, he's actually comedians in the LAC.
10:43🔗
Adam
Yeah, he does the interviews with like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. And I don't think any of them know who he is, but he comes up and gives them the big handshake with the half a hug. And they're like, ah, and they're like, great to see you again, Tom. And he's like, great to be back. And then they just start the interview. I don't know how it works. I don't know if you've ever seen that show, but I don't know anyone who likes Byron Allen. I just see celebrities that are scared that they don't remember him. And that's why they do it.
11:15🔗
We gotta get him as a booker on the show.
11:16🔗
Guest
Maybe use a human chain letter. Like if you break, if you don't do an interview with him, then you have seven years' bad luck.
11:22🔗
Adam
Yeah, we talked to Byron, we talked to the black guy's name we can't remember before we did the Samurai movie. It worked out okay. We were talking about the next one. Yeah, smart. All right, we'll take some phone calls, we'll hear some stuff and who's gonna be at this carry rally, by the way?
12:02🔗
Adam
I'll tell you, Pinky and Leather Tuscadero are two celebrities I put into I Think I Could Hump Now. You know what I mean? Because I have a certain-
12:12🔗
Guest
That's not really, you know, they're in a category with Abe Bogota and Ed Asner too now.
12:17🔗
Adam
Yeah, he's in, they're in there. He's in there with them. Yeah, they're in there. They're all in the hopper. I'm just saying, and you guys must have this too, which is at a certain point, you know, you were 13 years old, you were nine years old, you were 15, you were in high school, you had zits, you were a mess, you were watching these people on TV. There's no way they would have ever had sex with you. But time marched on. Your star got a little bit brighter. Now we've all risen to C slash maybe D celebrity, but they're down, you know, we crossed at a certain point. They've been inching down for a while. We've been inching up. I don't know when I crossed Leather Tuscanero. Could have been six, eight years ago.
12:59🔗
Guest
What a nihilistic view on sex you have. It's just time the Avenger. Is that your whole?
13:42🔗
Guest
Is there a website for this? Can you put your name in and see where you are on the- See who's plummeting and see where you've got to.
13:49🔗
Adam
Well, the good news, now here's the thing that we have as guys, is guys, we have time, which is, it doesn't matter that we're in show business. If we were males and we had a decent income and we were dentists working in Sherman Oaks, eventually you're gonna pass some of these women you watched on TV too, just because time is tough on them that way. It's unfair, but let's face it, it's good. So you don't need celebrity, but we will factor in our celebrity. And yes, I would like to see some of these women.
14:17🔗
Guest
No, no, yeah. I mean, if you're a dentist in Van Nuys, yeah, you'll get Leather Tuscadero, but we can maybe get like Jamie Gertz or Linda Blair at this point. Like, because of our celebrity, we have a couple extra hit points.
14:41🔗
Adam
From Happy Days. She was like Fonzie's girlfriend. Got it, got it. Yes, you're right. We are approaching these people. Yeah, the Linda Blairs of the world. We have hood scoops. I like to find out where we're at and see what we could do. There should be a website for this.
14:57🔗
Guest
Well, you put in your name, your income, your age, and they tell you what level you've gotten to, who you can nail.
15:02🔗
Adam
And it's great because they're, yeah, there are all these chicks who are like 80s actresses that you're watching. Like you've never been any lower. You've never been any further away from getting laid. You're looking at Jamie Gertz and just, but just crying, just semen pouring out of your eye. Tears of semen. And now.
15:26🔗
Adam
Yeah, well, you passed, you probably passed, probably been between 14 and 17 months since you passed, and I'm coming up on Gertz. Patton's got Linda Blair in his crosshairs.
15:49🔗
Guest
No, look, I can conjure up visions of Night Patrol and Savage Streets while I'm doing it.
15:54🔗
Guest
Close your eyes and put those soundtracks on your phone. It's a power. It's like a superpower.
15:59🔗
Adam
And now it's tough once in a while with like the Heather Lockleers, I think maybe you brought up, which are still, they still look good.
16:10🔗
Guest
Okay, the only spoiler is when they've gone crazy religious like Alisa Welchel from Facts of Life. You couldn't get, because she hooked up with Jesus and you're not gonna get her now.
16:20🔗
Adam
They don't have a choice. It's not their choice to make. We, it's like, baby, look at the printout. The graph doesn't lie.
16:34🔗
Guest
Can't you consult your patients and go, you know what? You could go get Linda Blair this weekend.
16:50🔗
Adam
Like, you know, whether they played waitresses on top of that revolving restaurant up there with Angeline. You got the whole cast. You cast them. Got the Foxy Black chick. You got the, the male piano player. They're all, they're all come in there.
17:10🔗
Adam
You got her. Jenna, you thought you'd never get there. Jenna. Drew, and you, look at you. You're a doctor. You add doctor to the mix. Forget about it.
17:50🔗
Adam
We're gonna be passing in a few months too, by the way. Jenna, I just wanna give you a little heads up.
17:55🔗
Caller
And so, I was just wondering if you guys would think that it would end up being all about the sex.
18:33🔗
Drew
Well, at least at 37, you have a sense of there being a difference. You may not be able to make these things apart, but that's exactly right.
18:44🔗
Drew
No, and so really, a 16-year-old, it's all about that. And for women, it's not necessarily quite that clear. In fact, these things are usually quite separate.
18:52🔗
Adam
All right, this brings up a topic, which is everyone constantly trying to figure out why someone is with them, they're with you. You know, I mean, I've had people say, she's only talking to you because you're on MTV or whatever. It's like, yeah, that's why I try to get on MTV.
19:06🔗
Drew
Yeah, but there are sometimes there are people that are with someone merely singularly because they're exploiting them, not for any other reason.
19:18🔗
Drew
No, I think what the point you're making is that they're only attracted to you because fill in the blank. And that's like, yeah, that's fine, whatever.
19:24🔗
Adam
Yeah, I repeat, and, right, they're attracted to you, good enough, and there's reasons why you're attracted to them.
19:32🔗
Adam
And I don't know, sort of breaking them down and categorizing them is probably not the greatest plan.
19:39🔗
Adam
He's with you, he wants to be with you, you wanna be with him. That's right. Put a condom on and go at it. Chelsea?
20:15🔗
Drew
They're teachers or people at work at the school or anything, do anything weird like that?
20:29🔗
Adam
Well, you gotta give them a little heads up because you'll find out in a few short years that your teachers aren't really that smart. It was a bitter pill to swallow for me.
20:41🔗
Drew
Yeah, but be that as it may, the fact is they have a responsibility to help protect you. And if you are being harassed sexually, that they really have a responsibility if they don't step up.
20:57🔗
Guest
And it's under the point that when they do it, I smack them and they won't stop. They think I'm just messing around. Uh-huh.
21:10🔗
Those folks are horrible.
21:20🔗
Drew
Yeah, maybe he'll be a good place to start too. Or at least mom, if you're afraid, he'll react too forcefully.
21:26🔗
Adam
Yeah, all right, and stay away from these guys. All right, I'm not sure how to avoid trouble in high school and in junior high. There's a way to do it.
21:40🔗
Guest
I was one of the guys doing the touching, so I'm really not the guy to talk to. I had no help.
21:46🔗
Adam
No, I was abused by my own friend. I was, it was, it was, it was inner posse abuse. You know what I mean? It wasn't strangers. It was, it was really-
22:04🔗
Adam
Seems, you know, once in a while I hear about someone who grew up in like a Big Sur or something. It seems weird. Like, I know, I thought people go there to camp and vacation and look at the sights. Like Sonoma seems, it seems too sane for some reason. Was it-
22:32🔗
Adam
Try North Hollywood, you got ugly filled with dumb people. At least you got beautiful and dumb people.
22:36🔗
Guest
When you live in a resort town, you deal with a lot of like locals that are just hopeless. So yeah, you know what I mean?
22:57🔗
Guest
The girls just kept touching him and he would smack them and they just thought he was playing.
23:01🔗
Adam
These, by the way, Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, two of the hot young comedians currently working, attractive, making the scene. Making the LA scene.
23:30🔗
Guest
Guys, and I have friends, I've had friends now, they are in the, one of our friends is in the Three Times in 24 Hours Club. He's seen Three Times in 24 Hours. Yeah, and someone else, a girl nerd we know, has seen it twice in 24 hours.
23:46🔗
Guest
It is a, it's truly a movie for everyone. Nerds will love it, but even if you don't like comics, it's so well written, so full of heart, great, I mean just.
23:55🔗
Guest
But I think comic fans love it on, and even, you know, on the next level, because it's so true to the comic.
24:02🔗
Guest
But it's also not embarrassing, like it's really smart, and even people that don't like comics, like, wow, that was a really well written movie, you know what I mean? It's something that proves that comics can be, listen to me, I'm getting all wound up, but it's like something that nerds can be proud of.
24:21🔗
Guest
Yeah, we saw it Tuesday at midnight, like a couple of dorks. Oh, you really went to the midnight show? Yeah, yeah.
24:36🔗
Guest
Yeah, it's on each other, but it's not really a trick. This, hey, I just did the popcorn. Exactly.
24:50🔗
Adam
What, and by the way, what are like the top three comic movies or, you know, comic book turned to movie movies? Like I never saw the whole.
25:02🔗
Guest
I would say Spider-Man 2 number one, X-Men 2 number two, and then Blade 2 number three.
25:17🔗
Guest
I'd also put the first Superman film up there because they really did a good job with it. And I think the movie, The Hulk, will age well. But right now, people don't really get it, but it's gonna age really well. Yeah, Blade 2 and X-Men 2, both better than the first ones.
25:39🔗
Adam
I don't wanna break up the conversation, but Linda Blair called the hotline and you've been pushed back a few months. The nerd conversation. You were gonna cut a slice this weekend and it just got pushed in to December.
25:54🔗
Guest
That's the other good thing about Spider-Man 2. It's so good it might actually get us chicks because women like it. I mean, the women and the female.
26:12🔗
Adam
It's time to play. Yeah, if he's got a cancer, or it's got six month cancer pace, you just gotta let him get his affairs in order. That's what just happened. Denial. He's still in the denial phase.
26:37🔗
Adam
This is a game I basically co-opted from Jimmy Kimmel Live writer's table every bizarre story in the world seems to either emanate from either Germany or Florida. So we used to play actually Germany or Florida. So when it makes their bizarre, announces their bizarre story and we guess Germany or Florida, I decided to take it and do it on this show.
27:10🔗
Drew
Actually, kind of ironic last time we had something called Marizona with a call that sounded like a Florida. Dad was in Florida. Right.
27:18🔗
Two men were lighting fireworks and throwing them from their vehicle Monday night while driving. At some point, an ember from a cigarette fell on the back seat of the car and ignited several other explosives. One man was able to exit the vehicle after running into a light pole. However, the other was not able to get out of the car and sat in the car as it burned. Both men were burned in over 90% of their bodies and transported to the hospital. They actually had to hose them down to treat them, instead of firing them. The man who was stuck in the car died at the hospital Tuesday morning.
28:04🔗
Adam
Well, wait a minute, Crystal Knock may be coming up. It's about the same time as 4th of July.
28:20🔗
It is Eric, actually.
28:22🔗
It is Eric, actually.
28:26🔗
No, well, my name is actually Eric on my driver's license.
28:31🔗
No, I haven't. All right. First time calling, long time listener.
28:40🔗
I haven't been listening since junior high, so.
28:44🔗
Actually, it was Florida, Adam, you are a genius.
29:09🔗
Guest
Did you guys read about the creepy German super baby that they've been studying? Yeah. So, this baby was born with two recessive genes.
29:17🔗
Guest
He doesn't make myostatin. So, he's just literally everything that he, all his calories, everything just goes right into muscle development and he can, he's five and a half and he can lift like 20 pound weights, like hold them out to his sides. He's literally all muscles.
29:34🔗
There's gonna be a comic book here.
29:37🔗
Guest
It's really creepy and his parents are both these weirdly, they don't know who the, the dad was like this weird construction worker that could carry these huge weather bricks with his bare hands that normally had to put in like on forklifts and his mom was also an athlete that had these weird powers like, it literally feels like, yeah, it's like the X-Men, it's like the first X-Man, telling you, super baby.
30:01🔗
Guest
They like took pictures of him, he has this weird muscular ass and these giant legs, he's five years old.
30:21🔗
Adam
Somewhere Hitler's up in heaven, looking down and smiling. And I know people say, well, how did Hitler get to heaven? But he probably repented just before he put the bullet in his head. And therefore, he got there on a technicality. So I got to believe he's up there with our grandparents, just smiling and laughing.
30:53🔗
Adam
And I could see him too. It's like that scene in the Disney movies where the coach on the opposing team goes, a mule kicking field goals. And the ref runs over and he opens the rule book and he says, you show me where it says a mule can't kick field goals.
31:16🔗
Adam
So like when Hitler showed up at the pearly gates, it must have been like, oh, please, Adolf. You know, and then they just like St. Peter turned to like a ham or somebody and said, what are you going to do? He repented just seconds before he ate the cyanide capsule.
31:39🔗
Adam
We're not going to treat him any differently than anybody else. Oh cool. Brian Posehn and Patton Oswalt here tonight, two hot comedians currently work in the LAC.
32:13🔗
Adam
You got Axe Deodorant Body Spray. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Patton Oswalt is here tonight. Brian Posehn here tonight. Two hot young comedians currently work in the LA scene. They can be found at the John Kerry benefit on Wednesday. That would be this coming Wednesday, July 7th, at the knitting factory.
32:52🔗
Oh, yeah.
33:01🔗
My balls hurt, they'll never heal.
33:08🔗
Adam
Yeah, I'm in a lot of pain, and you couldn't tell by looking at me, but my threshold. But yeah, it's bold, Drew. I got people freaked. I show it to people at the office. It's weird because there's pubes involved, you know? And it's kind of freaky, you know?
33:44🔗
Adam
I've been getting a lot of sympathy. Brian just barfed. From the writers over at Kimmel.
33:49🔗
Guest
Now, should your bulge have a little laughing devil face that I can see through the skin pointing at me? That wasn't good.
34:00🔗
Drew
He's having you sign a release where he might have to open you up if he can't get it with the scope.
34:06🔗
Adam
I don't, Drew, I don't know. I'm tired of you and your worry warding. My wife called today, and Drew, what about your eyes? Drew's a big post.
34:17🔗
Adam
It's not boring everybody. Where's your bedside manner? And that's why I don't talk to you, by the way.
34:22🔗
Guest
They're gonna shave your pubes and make sure they shave all your pubes. Cause the guy that did mine, shaved exactly half my pubes. And I look like the worst Batman villain in the world. Like, this looks like the work of half pubes, Robin. It was the so like, just shave all my pubes, dude. It was the worst.
34:43🔗
Guest
But that would have been the perfect time to get a tattoo. Like Mr. Magoo with a lawnmower.
34:51🔗
That'd be an awesome tattoo.
35:00🔗
Drew
No, you can, when you can help these people out, cause they're gonna have to have like some cutting shears.
35:03🔗
Right.
35:08🔗
Adam
Well, here's what I'm saying. Like, here's what I wanna say. I wanna say, look, I'm gonna do a preliminary, I'm gonna take a pass at the pubes and possibly the sack as well. Keep in mind, I'm only doing it for the operation. That's not how I wear it. You understand? I'm doing it for you guys. And then you guys can get in and clean up.
35:28🔗
Drew
I just can't wait to be there to hear all your mouth and off to the staff. I just, I'm just gonna sit back and just enjoy.
35:33🔗
Adam
I'm great. Cause I have ideas about how people can do their job better except for me, really. I'm the only one.
35:41🔗
Adam
Yeah, I'm the guy who does a national radio show and shows up two and a half minutes before the show starts every night. And it's not sure who the guest is, but I have a lot of ideas about how Filipino nurses could do their job just a little bit better who get paid way less than me.
36:00🔗
Adam
Let me tell you something about the bulge, by the way. I've been wearing sweatpants and showing the bulge around and it's a nice, you know, it's like a, you know, a handball underneath, right above the groin there.
36:11🔗
Adam
And I gotta tell you, everybody over at Kimmel's in A-hole, including Kimmel. Let's be honest. They're all pins in the ass. They're like, you know, the kind of guys like you are like.
36:23🔗
Adam
They're pusses, but they're pains in the ass. And if you said to them, like, listen, I'm a little down today cause it looks like I might be getting a divorce. They would start laughing hysterically. It just, they call you a pussy.
36:37🔗
Adam
It'd be really funny to them and it would be great. And cousin Sal's always punching you. Like if you tell him, hey, my back's kind of sore today, he'd come up and punch you and stuff like that. So everyone's abusive. They're verbally abusive. They're physically abusive. They have no sympathy for anybody. But when I dropped the shorts today and showed them the bulge, they all were like, hey, dude, you should sit down. I mean, you should, their face went from like the perpetual goof balls to just that look of serious first time in their life. Like, you should sit down, Adam, and take it easy. And I thought, wow, this is nice. I like this bulge. I get some, I don't know if I want to take care of this Wednesday. I like this thing to be out like a size of a duffel bag in four years. I actually have to pull it out of my pants and drop it onto the desk.
37:43🔗
Adam
It'll be great. Like, wherever I am, like, I'll be at the DMV and they'll be like, yeah, listen, if you renew your license, we need your old license before we can, and I'll just drop it on, okay, sweetie, take what you need.
38:04🔗
Drew
No, somebody with indirect hernia like that that gets out of control and doesn't take care of it, I've got patients with half a basketball worth of intestine in there.
38:22🔗
Guest
I'm gonna stick with superheroes and robots and aliens. This is horrible. This is 10 times worse than alien and predator.
38:55🔗
I'm saying it.
38:58🔗
You gotta have a stomach.
39:02🔗
Sarah?
39:16🔗
Caller
Like, me and my boyfriend have been having anal sex lately and like every time we do it, I always feel like I have to use the bathroom.
39:33🔗
Drew
Do you evacuate yourself before you start this action? Can you understand that having something in the, what we call the verge?
40:02🔗
Drew
It could feel like something's coming in or going out. You don't have great sensitivity to have direction down there.
40:16🔗
Adam
Okay, Sarah, how old is your boyfriend? 18. And do you enjoy the anal sex? You do? It didn't sound like a ringing endorsement. It's more like a picture of him holding a pistol and like he's listening, like the hostage thing, like pick the phone up. Do you enjoy anal sex? And he's doing this. He's got the gun to his mom.
40:49🔗
Yeah.
41:38🔗
Leave them out of this.
41:50🔗
Adam
I really think you can burn out your joy receptors by doing this kind of stuff. Too much stimulation, too early.
42:00🔗
Guest
You're really supposed to wait till you're in your mid-20s and you're with some girl you just met.
43:08🔗
Guest
I got a question. Do you like it besides the having to run into the other room? You do, you do like. I'm saying don't, you know, if you don't like it or if it makes you run into the bathroom.
43:27🔗
Adam
Don't call this goddamn show if you don't feel like talking on the phone or if you're being bothered by our questions, you know? And I know every teenager has to act like they're put upon every time anyone over 30 asks a question.
43:41🔗
Guest
But like, but literally people call, how did you say it? They call and then they act like we called them.
43:53🔗
Guest
What? You ever had somebody call you and it sounds like they just woke up? Yeah. It's like, dude, you called me. How did you?
44:00🔗
Adam
I know, like, what happened? Yeah, listen, get it together. Let's muster a little enthusiasm for the show everybody. Let's break it down. Come on, gentlemen. Gentlemen, can I use that term loosely? Gentlemen, hey, that helmet, not a chair. Grab a knee. Let's go now. Let's break it down. Let's get a hand in it. All right, all right. Brian Posehn here tonight. That's from-
44:29🔗
Guest
Oh yeah, that's right. That girl that didn't wanna talk. Remember that? We kept trying to get her to turn the radio.
44:38🔗
Adam
Patton here, Brian here. Well, too hot. Up and coming comics currently work in the LA scene.
45:27🔗
Drew
We're gonna see where, Adam's gonna have both sides of that now. It's looking like it. We're gonna see where he is on Thursday morning.
45:33🔗
Adam
I don't even tell you about my stuff anymore, Drew, because you're such a naysayer. You're like Dr. Dark.
45:43🔗
Adam
You're like the guy from Lost in Space. He's a doctor for Christ's sake. I tell him I'm gonna do something. I'm like, every time I tell him I'm gonna lance something, I'm, oh, no. Don't worry about it, it's just a zit.
45:57🔗
Drew
Last time we did it, it came in with a periorbital infection as I had like a volcano growing out of me.
46:03🔗
Adam
All right, not all of them work out, but 98, 70, 65% of them work out when I do my own lancing work. That's all.
46:20🔗
Drew
Two weeks after my heart, I think I had Dr. Marcel and they saying, me like, oh dude, the hope and repair is much more likely to be successful than me.
46:28🔗
Adam
Wow, I don't need you. Drew call, he talks to my wife and he convinces her I'm dying is basically what he does.
46:41🔗
Adam
It's like Adam's dying and you're going to need some comforting, that's his thing. Yeah, okay, so stop scaring everyone, Drew. And let me tell you something, I have a much higher threshold for pain than you. Because I didn't grow up with a go to the little Lord Fauntleroy School for albino hemophiliacs like you did. I grew up on the mean streets of North Hollywood. You understand?
47:10🔗
Adam
Yeah, all right. Brian Posehn is here tonight. So is Patton Oswalt. Dear, dear, dear friends and hot, young, up and coming comics currently working in LA.
47:22🔗
Adam
Making the LA scene. They're gonna be at the John Carey Benefit, which is coming up this Wednesday at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood. And what about this? I know I have a lot of radical ideas, but it always kills me when everyone's raising money. First off, John Carey's wife has a billion dollars in the bank, but we got to raise a lot of money and Bush is gonna spend like $280 million or he's raised that much and Carey's gonna spend several hundred million dollars and it's just sort of farting into the wind with it. What if, and this had never happened because it just sounds too sane, but what if Bush or Carey said-
48:06🔗
Adam
What if Bush said, look, I'm not doing any commercials. I'm not gonna take $280 million and piss into the wind. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna build a orphanage in the middle of the country. It's gonna be huge. It's gonna have an Olympic swimming pool and a gymnasium and we'll be able to handle people from neighboring states and I'm gonna get to work on it. Jimmy Carter, he's helping me. He's the only thing we agree on and I'll be doing this. So spend your money, do your campaigns, sling your mud. I'm working on this thing. Would it work? Would it be just crazy enough to work? The news would be checking in, you know, seeing, oh, he's poured the foundation. He's tilting up the framing this week. What if somebody just did that? I mean, the idea that these guys throw millions of dollars just into the air and I know people look at it as, well, that's not the same millions of dollars that could build a school or a road or a hospital or help some African AIDS patients, but it kind of is, isn't it? It's just the millions of dollars.
49:18🔗
Guest
Yeah, if I was Bush and I had to make prostitution legal, build a massive brothel, and you'd be in the news every single day. Orphanage, that's a terrible idea. And get Jimmy Carter to build a brothel.
49:45🔗
Adam
Yeah, and I don't know if anyone's mind ever gets changed, by the way, in the few months seeing the commercials. I mean, you know the Bush commercials were paid for by Bush. You know the Kerry commercials were paid for by Kerry. Does anybody really get swayed one way or the other by seeing a super biased commercial that the other guy bought and paid for? I don't, you know, just let's build something. All right.
50:09🔗
Adam
Brian's kick-ass party idea, or what about this? What if Bush said, I'm putting every penny I have into research to have a microwave that you can put tin foil in. And it doesn't spark, it's fine. All those frozen TV trays and the little metal handle on the Japanese, Chinese takeout thing. Pow, you want Italian with the foil thing, with the plastic top and the things that bend over? Right into the microwave. Am I right, people? The country would unite behind it.
50:57🔗
Guest
And the comedy gang, comedian guys, I haven't heard of you, but I watch Crank Tankers. And so I hope you'll be on Comedy Central or something.
51:10🔗
Adam
I think I've seen that. Have you seen that Budweiser commercial where the guy's running for president?
51:37🔗
Guest
Wow, these selfish kids, I swear to God, you know? We give them free entertainment, and aim biggie.
51:51🔗
Guest
I'm just wondering if self-mutilation can become an addiction, and if so, how I can break the addiction.
52:33🔗
Drew
Let's, it's time we have to take a break. But Amy, we're gonna get back to you, okay? We hang on one second?
53:42🔗
Adam
Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Patton Oswalt is here tonight. As well as good and dear, dear friend, Brian Posehn. Ow! Patton's got himself a CD out.
53:58🔗
Adam
Called Feeling Kind of Patton. We're gonna hear something off it coming up in this hour. Also, Brian and Patton can both be found at The Knitting Factory this Wednesday, July 7th in Hollywood for a little John Kerry rally. All right, Drew, what are you pointing at?
54:21🔗
Adam
All right, we will get back to the phones and speak to, well, let's talk politics for one quick second. I kinda wanna like Kerry myself, but I'm not sure where he's at or what his thing is. It's more sort of, I think everyone's just decided that Bush isn't working out, but I don't know what, I'm not sure what Kerry's about. Do you guys know?
54:47🔗
Guest
I don't think it matters. It's like, basically, let's take a breather from Bush. Everyone calm down for four years. Kerry will just hold the fort and then we'll find someone else.
55:04🔗
Adam
Well, we've broken down. Let's just put him on. We'll make Tahoe by nightfall and then we'll figure it out. Let's see if we can find a nice, there's a fix-a-flat. There's a four day tire store in Tahoe. We can get, yeah.
55:25🔗
Guest
A lot of my conservative friends, I argue with them, they go like, you're just against Bush. I'm like, yeah, I am. We need to, I mean, I'm not anti-Republican. I would have voted for Republican, just not Bush.
55:55🔗
Adam
Two of us, meaning Mexican crawling inside your bay, you talking to your wife on your cell phone.
56:24🔗
Drew
My home. Oh yeah, short today? And the damn oil cap slid down into like, under the engine.
56:38🔗
Adam
They should, you know what? They need, you know what AAA could do? And they could probably save themselves like $50 million a year if they had like that cool dude you went to high school with, who got on the phone. Like when a guy calls up and says, yeah, I'm at my house and my cap is falling. And you just, chat, we need you on the phone. Hey dude, what's the matter? I lost it. You can't handle that yourself? I bet you could. Listen, I could send a guy out. I don't mind, but you know, we're gonna be, we're gonna be laughing about it. No, come when he gets back. Why don't you see what you can do about it? Like I could guilt you. I could give you a masculine guilt that would get you to do it yourself over the phone. You see what I'm saying?
57:19🔗
Drew
That conversation was going in my head already, which is why I spent an hour by myself trying to get it out.
57:24🔗
Guest
Or when they come, they just punch you. Even really hard. No, I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna find your oil cap.
57:36🔗
Adam
Yeah, they probably, if they could do it, they could do it like in a slick way. Like, do you want a Thomas Brothers donut? Oh, what is, what is, what is that? And then he just punches you in the arm. And, oh no, wait a minute.
58:01🔗
Adam
It would have been, it would have been if it worked. It would have been. All right, here's the point, Drew.
58:06🔗
Adam
You, here's the whole thing. They should not be able to set foot on your soil. Meanwhile, there's some old lady who's by the side of the 110 being raped because her car's broken down in the tow truck that was meant, that was allocated to go to her, had to go to Drew's house first and help him with his exotic sports car.
58:31🔗
Guest
Yeah, is that the only option if you're an old lady right down, if the truck doesn't come, you're instantly raiding.
58:49🔗
Adam
If you watch movies of the week enough. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, you have a choice between being raped.
59:04🔗
Adam
And Drew, how did he get it? And what do you mean you, the both of you? What did you do?
59:11🔗
Drew
We were both searching for it and we had to pull the bottom off the car, we had to unscrew all this.
59:32🔗
Drew
All right, we're calling triple A. Back to Amy, so lame, so embarrassing. So humiliating. Yeah? Amy, you still like me in spite of my humiliating behavior?
1:00:12🔗
Guest
No, actually I learned my lesson. I injected a bunch of raid once and I landed in the hospital for a week. So I really don't do that anymore. I actually withdraw blood and stuff.
1:00:25🔗
Guest
No, I don't know why. I just like seeing it in the sink, I guess. I know it's really messed up.
1:00:39🔗
Guest
It's a spray, but if you like spray it in a jar, and then it's strange to just, it's really-
1:01:05🔗
Guest
But poison raid, that's like really serious, right? I think that was a suicide attempt.
1:01:17🔗
Guest
It wasn't in a vein, it was just in the skin luckily and I missed my wrist. I did it in my wrist and my leg and I missed the vein in my wrist by like a centimeter.
1:01:25🔗
Drew
Okay, but that was a suicide attempt and you were in sort of a fugue state when you did it, right? Yeah. So that to me implies-
1:01:32🔗
Drew
So that implies to me that, you know, a couple things that you probably had some very heavy trauma growing up, right?
1:01:39🔗
Guest
My dad used to be alcoholic and I know you're gonna say I knew it or something like that.
1:01:58🔗
Guest
Oh, no, I'm not bipolar. I'm not diagnosed with anything. My parents won't take me to a psychologist.
1:02:07🔗
Guest
I have ups and downs, but I don't think it's bipolar because I know people who are bipolar and I'm not like.
1:02:13🔗
Drew
But after a suicide attempt, you weren't seen by somebody? They weren't required to take you to somebody for help?
1:02:18🔗
Guest
My mom didn't want child services in it. And so she was just like, tell them that you did it to get high or something like that.
1:02:27🔗
Guest
My mom thinks that if I don't wanna get help, then she thinks it'd be a waste of money. I think she thinks I'm hopeless and I'll get over it.
1:02:35🔗
Drew
Wow, Amy, you really need some help with this because these are very dangerous behaviors. And you're sort of describing them as addictive, but really they're compulsive. Compulsive behavior is cutting these...
1:02:50🔗
Drew
Yeah, well, that's just a way... What this all is, is a bid to try to regulate your feelings. The intensity and the duration of feeling states are unmanageable and you feel overwhelmed. And your brain reaches for whatever mechanism it can get its hands on, quite literally, to help you sort of relieve the very intense feeling state you're in.
1:03:08🔗
Adam
Can't you... I mean, your parents are idiots, obviously. Can't you realize that and stop buying for their attention?
1:03:21🔗
No, actually, but they should be.
1:03:29🔗
Guest
She's very emotionally distant. She'll talk and she'll joke, but she doesn't like to get her... She's very closed. And I think she's depressed, but...
1:03:55🔗
Guest
He gets a drunk now and then, but he's not abusive. One of those people gets really loud. Kind of funny, actually.
1:04:05🔗
Adam
Amy, your parents are a pain in the ass. You're smarter than they are. They're in denial. You've got a problem. You're smart. You're definitely smart, although that's never stopped anyone from doing stupid things.
1:04:17🔗
Guest
I'm also confused. You said your mom said if you don't want help, but did you ever say you didn't want... It sounded to me like you wanted to go to us.
1:04:25🔗
Guest
When I told my mom that I was cutting by seeing some scars, and she knew because my sister used to do it, and she just yelled at me, and she's not easy to talk to as a person. All right.
1:04:52🔗
Guest
Oh, no, it's just we don't have that sort of self. I mean, we have counselors, but they're the kind of counselors that sigh when you walk in.
1:05:25🔗
Drew
But that's how sensitive Amy is to these things. She notices that people are overwhelmed and here comes another one in the door and she sees them sigh.
1:05:35🔗
Drew
Find somebody, get a referral, get somebody good, just take care of yourself. Please, Amy, this is very, very serious.
1:05:40🔗
Adam
By the way, as a parent, you're two for two with the cutters. Like, well, I got two kids, both cutters. Time to take good look in the mirror.
1:05:52🔗
Adam
Yeah, you may have zigged when you should have zagged as a parent, when both kids are cutters. Because that's not just a bad gene. Like, oh, honey, yeah, you gave him the cutting gene. Because, you know, grandpa, there was grandpa cutter.
1:06:11🔗
Drew
No, it's what we call a bid for affect regulation. They literally can't regulate. Parts of the brain sort of parcel off from parts of other parts, so it can't integrate, it can't regulate. They feel overwhelmed. They just, they do something to get the relief, and they find that extremely intense experiences give them sense of relief. So cutting is one way to get that.
1:06:38🔗
Guest
Hey, I got two questions, actually. I got to make one comment, though. Jimmy Kimmel got in a couple of weeks, so they got into kind of a lot of trouble from comments he made about Detroit.
1:06:57🔗
Guest
It is. You guys burn your city down. No offense, but don't you guys burn your city down a lot?
1:07:16🔗
Guest
Come to Detroit in January. Come to Detroit in January. Hell is freezing over. All right.
1:07:23🔗
Adam
Seth, let me just say this, and this is why in a way it's a relief to be a Los Angelino born and bred in Los Angeles. People say horrible things about Los Angeles, and our self-esteem is so low we disagree with them. Like, you're from Los Angeles, people are like, Oh, Los Angeles, queers and phonies and Hollywood producer types and tree huggers and traffic and Mexicans and fires and earthquakes. And did I mention queers? And you're like, yeah, it sucks. Yeah, you're right.
1:07:59🔗
Adam
You start doing that in front of someone from Chicago or something, they'll take a swing at you. LA is like filled with just super low self-esteem indigenous people.
1:08:11🔗
Adam
And LA is filled with, here's what LA is filled with. It's either filled with nationalities that don't even know where they are. I'm convinced a lot of people just know they're in the United States and that's good enough for them.
1:08:21🔗
Drew
But they've transported their country to this location, in the desert, in some part of the United States.
1:08:28🔗
Adam
That's right. So they've set up their own community here. So whatever, Ethiopia, Mexico, it doesn't matter. They're here. They're here now. So that's fine. And then you have the people that are just, they've been here, they weren't, last time they were in Pittsburgh, there were nine. They're now 49. They still look at themselves as, you know, they're huge Pirate fans, they're huge Steeler fans, they're Pittsburgh, they bleed the black and gold of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But they've been here four times as long as they've been wherever they were. And they really have no, they have no memory.
1:09:03🔗
Adam
They have no memory of where they were. And all they know is they love their team and they hate Los Angeles, but yet they're here. And then there's those people. So there's all the people from, and if you get into the business, nobody is from here. Everybody's from Chicago, New York, Boston, New York, tons of Boston, tons of Chicago, New York City. None of them like any of the teams out here. They all love their teams. They all hate Los Angeles. And then there's a handful of people like Drew and I who were born here and our self-esteem. We've been so beaten up by the minorities who don't know where they are and the strong-willed guys from Buffalo that we just sort of hang our heads and admit our town sucks. That's about it. If you'd said something bad about LA., there would have been nothing.
1:09:49🔗
Adam
Who's going to react? Well, it's as if you said something bad about the prison you were staying in. What are you going to do? Yeah, we hate the warden. Yeah, yeah, we do too.
1:10:19🔗
Guest
From Detroit. And this time, you'll probably get a kick off, Adam. I think I'm the only black guy that has named Seth.
1:10:38🔗
Adam
Oh, yeah, there's not a lot of black Seths. I also noted on the show last night that Ross was the most popular name that no one was actually named.
1:10:51🔗
Adam
There's nobody name... No one knows anyone named Ross, even though it's a hugely popular name that everyone's aware of.
1:11:00🔗
Adam
You come up with one guy when you scoot through 500 in your Rolodex, but I mean, there's not that many Rosses.
1:11:14🔗
Guest
My question was just some tips. I actually got another question too, but the reason why I really called was any main tips of me wanting to get into radio, what kind of advice did you would give?
1:11:27🔗
Drew
There's basically, I think, two ways to get into radio. Would you agree, Adam? One is to go to a radio station in Detroit and apply for an internship.
1:11:38🔗
Adam
You can squat a radio station, but you get there early and you get there often, you'll eventually be the program director because you got there first. It's all about who got there first.
1:11:48🔗
Drew
But that isn't typically the way people get to be on air. If you're interested in that...
1:11:53🔗
Drew
It can, but on air, typically, historically, people go to some tiny little markets, talk their way on to an overnight shift where they work for free usually for quite some time, generate some tapes of yourself and try to get some better shifts going, and then send those things to program directors around the country. Seth?
1:12:13🔗
Drew
Don't do that. I've never talked to anybody in this radio station to go to broadcasting school.
1:12:36🔗
Guest
The same way it was standup. I mean, I've never met anyone that's taken a standup class. It's never been.
1:12:40🔗
Guest
You just show up at a club and start going up and talk about people to stay away from those classes.
1:12:44🔗
Guest
Never. And never read a book on standup. Just go on stage, start talking about your dick. Yeah. That's all you do. It's all you do. Or your poo. Or your poo.
1:12:52🔗
Guest
Or watch other comedy. Watch comedians and go watch live comedy, see what they do, write what you like.
1:13:03🔗
Adam
I remember back in the day when I was playing like the deli smoker, open mics, five minutes talking about Patton's dick, you know.
1:13:22🔗
Drew
Mostly. They want to do talk radio. I don't know if there's any sort of apprenticeship for talk radio. You know what I mean?
1:13:30🔗
Adam
Okay, but here's the thing. There's less mystery and more hard work to all this stuff that seems sort of out there and cosmic and nebulous and all this sort of stuff, which is you want to do stand up, start doing stand up, start waiting in line, start going to open mics, do it wherever you can and do it for free. Radio, show up at a radio station, intern, drive the van, do whatever you can, but never turn down an opportunity and do things for free. And as far as the class, as far as the class stuff goes, okay, but a couple of things. Quiet down with it. Put the finger down, Drew. Put the finger down. It's not time for you to put the finger up yet. Here's the thing. Don't chart your future. People do way too much of this. Start moving forward. Just start getting the boat and start sailing toward the horizon. Don't worry about where the destination is going to be. Just start moving forward. Also nothing hurts. You can take a class. It's fine. It's not going to guarantee anything. It's not going to screw up. You can take an acting class. You can take an improv class. Fingers up. Yes.
1:14:35🔗
Drew
Yes, you can. But there's an opportunity cost to all these classes. The more, the broader your experience of life and education, the more you bring to talk, all of comedy, whatever it is. That's why people who are in front of a camera or up behind a mic are not people that studied how to use a microphone. They're people that studied life and human experience and had interesting, interesting experiences.
1:15:02🔗
Guest
But with comedy, you definitely have to stay away from those schools because you're just going to have to unlearn everything that you learn.
1:15:08🔗
Guest
It's a massive waste of your money. And also, people don't understand the other thing the schools teach you that's so wrong is that it's crucial. Your early years, your first five to six years in comedy, you can do, they don't matter. You can do whatever you want. No one will ever hear about it. No one will ever see you. Just try different things out. It doesn't matter. I would say that in any career. Right. If you're writing and making films, just write stuff. No one will ever read it. Just get good. Right.
1:15:35🔗
Adam
And it always bothers me a little bit when someone's an actor or comedian or performer and you ask them what they're doing and they're not doing anything. They're just going out on auditions. You got to do stuff. You got to do it for free. You have to do it often. Yeah.
1:15:48🔗
Adam
And you have to do it because you're compelled to do it. All right. Now, let's go get some coffee and complain about our huge salaries.
1:16:03🔗
Guest
And my first gig as a comedian, I didn't get paid, but I was just I know I was booked was so exciting.
1:18:25🔗
Adam
Yeah, making the LA scene. Brian Posehn's here tonight, Patton Oswalt also here tonight. You know, from King of Queens and Just Shoot Me, and of course, the Cranky Anchors, the fabulous, beloved Cranky Anchors.
1:18:43🔗
Adam
Hold on a second, don't cut me off, Drew. I was doing a Cranky Anchor plug there, goddammit. Tuesday Nights on Comedy Central, new season coming up very soon here in July. All right, yes, Feeling Kind of Patton is the name of the new CD. We are gonna hear a little nugget off of it, and then we have to cut it real fast because he drops like the MF.
1:19:11🔗
Adam
And you know, speaking of Cheney, found out he was doing a little cussing on the Senate floor or whatever last week. If you think that makes me not like him, you're talking the wrong guy. Like, he's just like, he told another senator to blow him.
1:19:29🔗
Adam
Once in a while, they do stuff like that, and you think, who's this, this, now I didn't like him before.
1:19:43🔗
Adam
Yeah, that's all you want. Yeah, like, I don't know why, whenever they try to make news out of someone, especially a politician being anything other than a robot and actually having some feeling or emotional or crying or swearing or something, I don't know who that hurts them with, but no one I know. You know what I mean? When you find out that the guy shed a tear over something or freaked out, blew up on somebody or a little bit of rage.
1:20:08🔗
Guest
I remember when the Republicans try to make a big deal about how Kerry called a Secret Service guy a douchebag. Really? He called it, he was like, a douchebag. And then they're like, oh, is it? And then people like Kerry even more. I call people douchebags all the time.
1:20:31🔗
Adam
I was trying to get the douche nozzle, yeah, because to me, that's a Baltimore phrase. You focus on the bag, but the nozzles really the business end. You know what I'm saying?
1:20:44🔗
Adam
Yeah, it's great for behind the wheel. Shake your ass, you douche nozzle. Sounds good. Yeah, yeah. And it also works like, Jesus, Frank, he's still framing the house. He's got a bunch of these Union douche nozzles taking a break every 10 minutes. It works that way.
1:21:08🔗
Adam
Yeah, yeah, it's nice. All right, so let's try to work douche nozzle and douche bag and let's try to work the entire douche apparatus into our next phone call.
1:21:19🔗
Adam
But we want to, I don't know if that technically counts. We want to hear a little something from Patton Oswalt.
1:21:25🔗
Adam
Yeah, after the next call? Yeah. Where are they? All right, all right, all right. What's wrong? What's wrong with laughing now?
1:22:03🔗
Guest
Here's some facts about midgets a lot of you probably don't know. I read this in Discover Magazine.
1:22:10🔗
Guest
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins. You know that? 40 glittering gold coins you can take to the market and buy a fine fat goose for your goodly wife. Also, if you throw a midget into a tub of hot water, he makes sleepy time tea. Oh, isn't that great?
1:22:44🔗
Guest
Yeah, it's a very racist album. If you don't like black people, you should get this album. Black people, women and cripples. I don't like them, and that's why I put this album out.
1:22:55🔗
Adam
Well, I don't dislike black people, but I do consider myself intolerant. So would I like it?
1:23:08🔗
Adam
Well, I was really enjoying that. Do you have any other midget facts or trivia about it?
1:23:13🔗
Guest
Yeah, what was the third one? That was something Brian and I actually were riffing that in an office one day, and then I took it for my own, because I'm greedy and I only care about myself.
1:23:27🔗
Guest
Yeah, but it wasn't the other one. If you kick a midget in the nuts, he turns into eight squirrels.
1:23:35🔗
Guest
And then our friend Jerry said, but be careful, because if you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.
1:23:40🔗
Guest
Yeah, it's true. Because at the beginning of time, there was only one midget and everyone's like, come on, dude. And I look around, they're everywhere.
1:23:59🔗
Guest
They are just, they can stop bullets. Yeah. You can't drown them. They can live 14 days underwater.
1:24:16🔗
Guest
Yeah. I mean, there's like midgets from the Wizard of Oz that are still walking around.
1:24:23🔗
Guest
And they all guard magic shields. If you can get them to tell you where their magic shield is, they'll...
1:24:29🔗
Adam
I know, I was thinking about midget years. Yeah, probably should have stopped at a certain point, Pat. That's all right.
1:24:40🔗
Adam
Well, let me just say this. Let me just say this. I was thinking about midget years when we were talking about this. And then I was thinking about dog years. And I was thinking about, well, you were gone, Drew. Schwarzenegger had this idea about taking from six days to like three days. The worst. The worst. It's not, by the way, it's not one of the six days. He wanted to take dogs and cats that were in kennels and put them to sleep earlier. Yeah, not have them sit around for six days, put them to sleep in three days. And by the way, sort of like cheney swearing, it's such a crazily unpopular stance. I sort of liked him for it. I thought to myself, wow, that's a horrible unpopular stance and that took balls. But anyway, I sort of liked him just for taking a crazy stance. And by the way, he's given up on it. I think Betty White puts some pressure on him.
1:25:36🔗
Guest
Well, because they reprogrammed him to be a Terminator for good. Now he protects the dogs and cats.
1:25:40🔗
Adam
But here is my argument and it's the argument, I think, I would have used if I was Schwarzenegger, which is, listen.
1:25:49🔗
Adam
Well, yes, there is, yeah, but still. But I keep that in my hip pocket for the very end of the game. I would have said, look, it's not, first off, it's not six days, it's like 36 days or 42 days because dog years are seven years to one year. So that ain't six days. I mean, if you got years, you got days. You know what I mean? It breaks down into dog hours and dog minutes. It's not just dog years. It's not like they got a 24-hour day, they got a seven-day week, but seven years equals one.
1:26:28🔗
Adam
A 12-year-old dog is 85. So if I was sure, I'd be like, don't look at it as six days, look at it as 42 days being cut down to like 31 days or something like that. You see what I'm saying?
1:26:57🔗
Adam
I don't know, but I'll tell you right now, he's probably up there in heaven just looking down at us. Again, he made it on a technicality. We talked about it earlier in the show.
1:27:16🔗
Guest
Yeah, I'm calling, this is a question for Dr. Drew basically. I met a girl online in March and-
1:27:28🔗
Guest
Yeah, we got together and we got into a hotel and stuff like that. And I was rubbing around on her kind of like down there. You know, before I actually did the deed, but I put a condom on before we actually had sex, right? But a few days later, I had the burning sensation when I was peeing and stuff like that. And I went to the doctor and it turned out I had chlamydia.
1:28:41🔗
Guest
Well, the question is, I was kind of surprised that I got comidia, and the doctor told me that, well, it was obvious that something got in there, so it's possible that I had HIV, also.
1:28:55🔗
Guest
I was wondering what the statistics were on, because I know it's harder for males to get HIV.
1:29:15🔗
Adam
Okay, let me explain something, and this is one way to find out. This is why I don't like all the-
1:29:21🔗
Adam
The rhetoric around the HIV stuff. Look, the straight guys rarely get it in the United States. You see all these commercials where it's like, yeah, everyone can get it. Everyone has just as great a chance as getting it. As the next guy, it doesn't matter if you're working a glory hole in Africa or just a white insurance adjuster in Omaha. You have the same statistical chance. Yeah, so now all that serves to do is freak the guy out in Omaha. Meanwhile, the guy working the glory hole never hears the guy in commercial. So we're all walking around freaked out like idiots. You're not gonna get it. They just say, it's like secondhand smoke. They just make this stuff up. You're fine. You're a straight guy. You're hooked up. You had some nice straight rummaging around with your penis. You're fine.
1:30:07🔗
Adam
And here's the thing too. Don't bother rubbing your dork all over the vagina and then putting the condom on. This is like wearing a shower cap and putting your head in the toilet before you get in the shower. It's like, what are you doing?
1:30:30🔗
Drew
And learn, know something about the people you're going to bed with too. Because certainly the way you do put yourself at risk is by sleeping with IV drug users and who knows who this woman is.
1:30:46🔗
Adam
There's a great, there's a great billboard in West LA that said, it's got a couple of gay guys on there and it said, we didn't come out to smell your secondhand smoke. And it's like 1-800-NO-BUTTS or whatever. First off, the NO-BUTTS with the gay billboard. Someone really needs to think this through. Like they need one straight guy on the panel to raise his hand and actually to be laughing like a maniac.
1:31:14🔗
Adam
There's a great, there's a great hand up while laughing posture, you know, head down. You got to get a straight guy on there. And then secondly, listen, don't worry about our straight guy, secondhand smoke.
1:31:38🔗
Adam
Worry about hepatitis C and then worry about your parents and then worry about secondhand smoke. Just focus on that, would you? Jesus Christ.
1:31:50🔗
Adam
Now I'm gonna call the K cigarette hotline to ride out my buddy who was smoking on Santa Monica. Yeah, he's medium height, medium weight guy. Think he may be straight. Yeah, look for him. He'll smell like cigarettes, smell his hand.
1:32:05🔗
Adam
Jesus Christ. What's going on in this city? There's nothing? We got no bigger fish to fry than this? How about the goddamn graffiti that's everywhere?
1:32:14🔗
Adam
How about the traffic? What about the graffiti? How about the particles? By the way, Los Angeles has a airborne particle problem that is a second to Calcutta. And that's about it. I mean, we got serious airborne particle things. We're all gonna die of lung cancer because of that. Listen, homos, don't worry about the secondhand smoke. It's the least of your problems.
1:32:34🔗
Guest
Can you even see us right now, Adam? Are we even here right now or are you like on a level of doom that you're just yelling at demons?
1:32:41🔗
Adam
I can't take any more talk about second. You know, here's what's going on in this. I swear to God, this is what goes on in Los Angeles. There's graffiti everywhere, there's crime everywhere, and there's dust particles of the size of Frisbees. Nine-year-olds are inhaling. And yet, we gotta have a press conference because we're gonna outlaw smoking on the beach. Really, it's just this overcompensation. We have no problems. We have three of the most congested intersections in the world within a five-mile radius, and we're having press conferences out on the beach because guys are lighting up cigarettes in an 80-knot wind out 100 yards from the shore. Really? This is where our focus is? This is it? What are we doing? Let's get it going. Let's go. Let's break it down. Let's get a hand in. Let's prioritize, people. Am I right? And listen, grab a knee. That helmet, not a chair. All right, gentlemen, here's that term loosely. All right, we gotta take a break. Drew, quiet down.
1:34:07🔗
Adam
I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Dear, dear, dear friends and friends of the show and hot young comedians currently making the LA scene. Patton Oswalt here tonight as well as dear friend and second hot good-looking comedian working the LA scene, Brian Posehn here.
1:34:26🔗
Adam
Yeah, we gotta get Carrie in office, and these guys are gonna be doing a little fundraiser over at the Knitting Factory over in Hollywood on Wednesday night. It's gonna be an all-star lineup, not nearly the one they had earlier the week before.
1:34:57🔗
Adam
Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you something. There's many stand-ups who suck. These ones don't. The Sarah Silvermans of the world, very funny stand-up. And Zach, very funny.
1:35:17🔗
Adam
Yeah, he is great. When he brought his brother on the Kimmel Show and sort of femme brother, coached by Alifanak. Yeah, it's awesome. All right, let's talk to Mike, who's 20. Mike. What's happening?
1:35:38🔗
Guest
I've actually got a question for Dr. Drew. Yeah. I'm 20 years old. I've been with eight sexual partners. And I just-
1:35:51🔗
Guest
Sorry. I just don't really enjoy sex. My longest relationship, besides the one I'm in now, has been like three weeks.
1:36:02🔗
Drew
Uh-huh. So you not only don't enjoy sex, you have trouble with relationships, trouble with intimacy.
1:36:06🔗
Adam
It's a good way to entice the ladies, though. Like he probably said that to number seven, you know? Like, I just, I'm not into it. I haven't found anyone to really enjoy it.
1:36:35🔗
Adam
Yeah, because no matter how cool my mouth is, I have the smell of desperation, which always gets it away.
1:36:59🔗
Guest
Well, my dad abandoned me long ago, can't stand him. And I've just never really had a long-term relationship.
1:37:18🔗
Adam
If I don't hear myself rant about second-hand smoke for five minutes, I'll fall asleep.
1:37:23🔗
Drew
One is to first of all have a biological assessment to make sure that you don't have a prolactin. So creating a tumor or something is lowering your testosterone level that make you not as sort of driven towards sex as a normal 20-year-old male. The other thing is to look into the emotional health. You might be depressed. That might make it difficult for you. And it may be he has interpersonal issues as well. He may have trouble with intimacy. And finally, he may just need to find the right relationship.
1:38:04🔗
Guest
I think if we could get into a tether act situation where we could fold time in on itself, indeed we could watch Spider-Man 485 times.
1:38:16🔗
Adam
13. You've been on hold for 97 minutes, even though it says your dad killed himself when you were three.
1:38:29🔗
Adam
All right. Well, let me, there's no good time for a dad to kill himself, but if there was, that would be it.
1:38:52🔗
Adam
Now we're out of time. I just want to cry. She's been on the hole for 97 minutes and 17 seconds.
1:39:03🔗
Adam
Oh, we get a day off. Sorry, baby doll. What are you going to do? All right, listen, we got to take a break.
1:39:10🔗
Adam
There's really nothing Drew could have done in the last 97 and a half minutes, except for take her call at some point during the body of the show. All right, she's 13. She's calling from Idaho. Her dad killed herself and she's fine. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. That's the show.
1:40:06🔗
Adam
Crimea River, you haven't even been here for a week. What are you talking about? All right. Tomorrow?
1:40:14🔗
Adam
Yeah. No, actually, I think you started about 45 minutes ago. I want to thank some people. I want to thank phone screener Brian for doing a great job. I want to thank the magic fingered one, the Liberace of the Potentiometers, Engineer Anderson, Junior Engineer Chris for doing a great job. Say hi to your mom when you get home. And 27, still living at home. I want to thank Junior, Junior Producer Lauren and Producer Ann and Brian. Somebody missed, of course, Brian and Patton. You can catch those guys this Wednesday at Naming Factory and also get Patton's album. Feeling Kind of Patton is the name of the CD. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.
1:41:08🔗
Guest
This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.