1:07🔗
Adam
1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Rob Schneider's here tonight. God bless you, Rob.
1:30🔗
Drew
I was talking about this new trend with where women are, you get these beautiful actresses playing ugly women in movies. Last year was like Nicole Kidman with like a, Right, right.
1:44🔗
She had the giant nose and, B.
1:48🔗
You wanna tell? B.
1:53🔗
This isn't mine, I'm out.
1:57🔗
Drew
And so this year is like Charlize Theron. Rying Monster, you know. And I just, I feel bad for all the unattractive actors out there. Who can't even get a job playing an ugly woman.
2:06🔗
Adam
Right, right. Guys, guys gotta drink a 12 pack to F you and you can't get any work as an ugly actress.
2:21🔗
Adam
I was saying this today with, I saw like 15 animal commercials, speaking of the animal, we'll get to that in a second, but for the Super Bowl, there was like monkeys and dogs and cats and there was a donkey, it was all every commercial animal and I was thinking, this putting good human actors out of work, no residuals. I mean, I'm trying to think, how does the animal get paid? You know what I'm saying?
2:49🔗
Drew
I was working with these animals and I know that these animals don't know that they're in a movie. They don't, do they? But this is interesting because the really smart ones don't work for food, it's a relationship.
2:59🔗
Drew
And they're not forced to do things. If they don't want to do it, they know they can't talk.
3:03🔗
Rob Schneider
Interestingly, another thing, I was expecting to see Colleen at the Survivor reunion.
3:10🔗
Adam
Well, let me ask you, speaking of animals and the animal, and you had all kinds of animals in the movie, which one surprised you the most?
3:19🔗
Drew
Well, the one that almost tore my arms off was the only time I was scared in the movie was the orangutan. There's only one guy in the world, Bobby Bersini. He used to be in Las Vegas. He's the guy who did the every which way but lose with Clint Eastwood.
3:39🔗
Drew
Let me tell you, what happens is, one of his disgruntled employees, and he isn't always a disgruntled employee, and he videotaped, what happens is, you got a full-grown orangutan. It is seven times stronger than a person. If you don't grab ahold of it, and the way they like calm the orangutan down is to grab it by his chest there and give it a twist. Really? And say, chill out.
3:58🔗
Drew
Just like grab it and twist and say, chill. Because otherwise things could get crazy. So anyway, yeah, he did, he got shut down, Bobby Brasini. First of all, you can't work with the great apes, the chimpanzees, the apes, orangutans, after they get, forget about even an ape, you know, chimpanzees and orangutans, after they become adolescents, forget about it. Because they could kill you. Once they get those incisors, it's just about the pecking order. You know, it's like, I'm gonna be bigger than you. And once they start losing the fear of you, whatever, it's like, I gotta top this guy. And I just hear these horror stories, this one guy with a scar all the way up his neck and up to his face and say, what happened? Well, I was working with a orangutan and I was comfortable with it and I was driving my pickup truck and it just attacked me. I never even saw it coming, while he was driving his pickup truck. And it just went mental on him.
4:44🔗
Drew
Yeah, but he just went after him. Went after him and then literally, you know, he was fighting for his life for the damn thing.
4:52🔗
Adam
Well, that's the thing. We used to work with some chimps in the man show and something I didn't know about them is, as soon as they hit like two years old, they're no good anymore. I mean, you can't work with them.
5:05🔗
Adam
Well, I thought they said, look, when they're young, you know, it may be a little hyperbole here, but when they're young, you can work with them. When they get older, you can't work with them.
5:16🔗
Drew
No, exactly, because they become, you know, they want to be the alpha male. They want to be, you know, they do the pecan order. And the thing is, it's not only that they, it's that, it's physically, their bone density is so much as like nine times stronger than you. They was explaining to me like this, because whenever I'm going to work with an animal, I said, what's the worst thing I can do to this thing? Tell me about it. And they said that, you gotta understand that the density of it is like nine times more dense than you, or seven times. So for instance, if an ape or a chimpanzee drops from a third story building, it would kill us. It would just get up on the cement, get up and dust itself off. And you feel it in the hands and the arms. And what it also has is, the thing that scares you, is the adrenaline rush from a great ape, his nine to one ratio, like the most adrenaline you could ever have if you're in a, you know, if you get in a car accident or whatever, or about to get, or you know, a car lands and you gotta, on somebody's leg, you gotta lift it off, it's your kid. You get a one. That's the most you can get, is up to a one. The ape is nine.
6:17🔗
Adam
That's why I drive with a chimp. I know your friend had a hard time in the cab, but if I get trapped on her car, now who's laughing?
6:24🔗
Drew
Yeah, yeah. But that nine ratio, though, the difference with the strength of it, it can basically, and it's so fast, he said, my friend, the Bobby Brasini, he said, hey, Rob, it's so bad, I'm gonna tell you. I'm not saying something's gonna happen, but if it did happen, it'd be bad for you. Bad for you, bad for the movie, bad for me.
6:39🔗
Adam
And I was, I always like, I don't know what it is about foreigners with their crazy ominous warnings. Like they do that stuff, they're like, don't worry, if it happens, you'll never know. You'll never know. You'll never know. If you wake up, it'll be in the, you won't know. You won't have time to scream.
6:53🔗
Drew
He had this 14 year old orangutan, this full grown orangutan, and he just looked at me and said, I've never seen her do that before.
6:59🔗
Drew
He said, I'm just saying it's something bad's gonna happen, but if it did happen, it'd be real bad. I went, okay, let's get the hell out of here.
7:05🔗
Adam
I got attacked by, I did this thing where I let myself get attacked by a police dog once. They put you in the outfit.
7:13🔗
Adam
Not a good time. And again, the guys who train these animals, like I said, but they're sort of ominous, sort of, they sort of, this kind of, they never give you an answer that you want. Like you say stuff like, well, first they give you the freak out thing where they go, it's a switch. Once a switch is thrown, that's it, the animals. It's a switch. Once an animal, it becomes, it's okay, they give you that one, the switch is thrown one. Then they give you this one. So I'm saying to the guy, well, I'm gonna run and the thing's gonna dive and take me down. Yeah, yeah, you should be okay. He said, keep your hands inside the protective jacket. Don't let them hang out. And I said, okay, I said, but now I'm wearing a helmet and I'm wearing this sort of flack jacket thing. And I said, what about my neck? It seems to be a good six inches of exposed flesh right there. And he goes, he should, well, it's just, you know, like, I don't like when they don't have an answer.
8:12🔗
Drew
But I tell you, was, you know what's scary to me about the attack dogs is that they always teach them the attack word in German. Which says to me, well, it's gotta be Dumecough. And he said, dude, how did you know? And I'm talking to this guy, he said, yeah, it's Dumecough is your dog's attack. He says, yes, it is. Don't say that out loud. And I said, well, if I figured it out in two seconds, other people are gonna be able to figure this out. Guten tag.
8:43🔗
Drew
Well, he just started to freak out. He just started like, what happens is that the neck is just like this big neck and it just, they start actually getting like purple hives. Oh really? And they start like, and hunching down, in other words, ready to attack. And I remember being like scared and going, I don't know what just happened there, but this doesn't seem like it's going good. And just started doing this thing. And then I just, and it started like, you know, making a gesture like it was gonna start attacking me. And I thought, is that what's gonna happen here? And he literally jumped in between it and then got it and it was gone.
9:16🔗
Drew
You know, but that's actually what happened on one time. There was a chimpanzee, which was, you know, the thing is, when the sun goes down, the chimpanzees go to bed. That's it. When the sun's up, they're up. And it's really simple. They keep it that way. And so it was eight o'clock at night. And we're shooting the scene. I said, guys, I said, I've talked to the animal trainer. I said, this is it. We cannot shoot anymore. Right. They said, ah, it's one more scene. Let's just get one more take. And I said, that's it. It's done. Let's go. I said, let's just get one more. And I said, okay, you're responsible for what happened. Sure enough, the animal starts freaking out and started hitting himself. He's frustrated, like, I want to go to bed, he's like, five in the morning to him. So the animal trainer reached out and grabbed a chest full of air and gave a little twist and was like, hey, that's it. And I said, are you guys happy now? Now are you happy?
9:58🔗
Adam
And was there an animal that surprised you? Like you thought, wow, I never thought much. I never knew this.
10:05🔗
Drew
The seal was pretty interesting. Because the seal, like another thing, like this really smart animals, like it's a curiosity thing in the relationship with the trainer. Like the first day the seal didn't want to work at all. It's weird because the seal has to have like a background, has to have like a back. You know, it's like we're like a walrus. We just work with our 51st dates. The thing is the 3000 pound walrus. And they said, what's the one thing I can't do? So don't stand between the walrus and anything else and the water. Because if he spooks, like a piece of white paper or whatever, he'll go into the water. He's going to just break, make a mad dash for the water. And he's quick.
10:41🔗
Drew
It's just going to be 3,000 pounds of just, just, just big pieces of picking you up out of the, out of the water. And so what animal is the seal? The seal also has to have like a back to it and have like a pool for it. And the first day he wouldn't get out of the pool. And the trainer literally slept right next to like little pool. And he wouldn't do anything the whole day. So it's like, okay, whatever, we'll shoot something else. And then the next day he got bored of just being in there and came out and just did everything we wanted him to do. And just was very curious and was relaxed and became comfortable the second day.
11:07🔗
Adam
I like the seals. I don't see enough seals. I see too many squirrels and not enough seals. That's what I've decided.
11:18🔗
Adam
I like the bull seals or the bull walruses, the ones. I saw them all basking on the beach one day out around Hurst Castle looking like.
11:29🔗
Adam
They looked like they weighed, the bull ones looked like they were several thousand pounds.
11:33🔗
Drew
They would hurt you, but like that's where the feeding of the great whites is, they want to eat the seals. It was like the girl was eaten by a shark because she was swimming with the food.
11:46🔗
Adam
I always say to Drew, it's a little consolation to me when the animal expert explains what kind of food he thought you were. It's like, I'd rather it be a vendetta situation. Like he thought I was the guy who shot his brother or something. That's better than him just thinking your food and that there was nothing personal. That's the other one. Yeah, no ass, the nothing personal part.
12:08🔗
Drew
I like it. It was a mistake. It was clearly a mistake. Yeah. The shark had no intention of eating you.
12:17🔗
Adam
Scarier, more scary. You know what I mean? It's like if a killer who was going to revenge the death of his father just started killing everybody and people kept going, he doesn't know. Yep, that's scarier, right? Yeah, and the part where we shouldn't be angry at him. I like that part, too. Listen, I can get angry. You kick, you knee me in the balls, I'm angry, you take my arm off, well, you do the math. Do the math.
12:52🔗
Adam
Well, that, too. But we've been doing this DVD thing throughout the last few weeks and we came up with the Animal.
13:00🔗
Adam
And I told... Actually, Drew said, well, why don't we get Rob back in here as long as we're going to do the promotion? And well, here we are. So the first five callers, 18 years or older, who get on the air night... Oh, it's the first five callers.
13:17🔗
Adam
Okay. First five callers who get on the air night are going to win the... They got to be 18 years or older, are going to get a DVD. And it's an uncut version. Maybe you get the one where Bobby Baracini's orangutan is trying to sodomize Rob.
13:32🔗
Adam
Yeah. So you can look for that. And it has a director's commentary and a Rob's commentary and deleted scenes and...
13:41🔗
Drew
Does anybody ever listen to the commentary? I've never heard the commentary in any movie. Have you ever listened to that?
13:46🔗
Adam
I never. You know what? I never have. I have and then I watched a movie, Blue Crush, and I put it on the director's commentary and they were explaining how they got What's-Her-Nose's face on the... I was watching the movie and I was thinking, whatever the blonde chick's name is, I was going, my God, she's surfing. She's doing these moves.
14:09🔗
Drew
Did you really think it looked real? Because I saw it on the plane. It didn't look real to me on the plane. Maybe it's just the...
14:14🔗
Adam
Well, if you watch it, when she's doing, you know, they're doing the footage of her surfing, you go, that's her face. That's on this, you know, naturally, you always think of some stunt chick who's surfing. Then there's a part where she'd cut back and come right at the camera and you go, wow, that doesn't look CGI'd. I mean, the wave and the whatever. But they put her face digitally, put her face on the other person, which is a kind of an interesting thing, which is they didn't monkey with the wave and they didn't monkey with the surfboard or the body. They just took her face and put it on the blunt.
14:49🔗
Drew
I was just in Hawaii surfing out there with Adam Sandler and he threw his board at me. I'm on the water right now. I haven't surfed in like a year and the board went right towards my head and I had my big fat butt. I couldn't get off the board and I got hit in the thigh and this other guy went right into the rocks. He was a good, better surfer than us.
15:11🔗
Adam
Well, as you know, as performers, Drew, this is the cash register. So, you know, if he gets hit with the surfboard, it's like when a bear sees monkeys going down. You understand? This is the money. This is where...
15:31🔗
Adam
We got to... let's take some calls and then we'll talk about the 51st States and all that. It's got to be torture shooting in Hawaii, yeah, it turns out.
15:41🔗
Yes. You're 24? Yes. How are you guys doing tonight?
15:47🔗
Hey Rob, how are you doing tonight?
15:50🔗
Oh, you have a problem there. I just got out of a long-term relationship and I've been seeing a new girl. And the first time I met her we had sex and it was just supposed to be a one-night stand and I was becoming a little more and now that I'm getting older, I've been having troubles getting it up. And to get it up, I've been taking Viagra and I know.
16:19🔗
I think it's more of a mental thing. I think I'm pretty attractive. I hope I am at least.
16:27🔗
Adam
For the record, you sound hot, Dave. By the way, I'm picturing, Dave, I'm picturing one of those cop mustaches from the 70s that with the pork chop, sideburns, like guys from Chicago can sound, the guy's 24. It's like if you eat 15,000 chicken wings before the age of 25, is this how you sound like? I mean, do you sound like you've just been drinking beer since age seven?
16:51🔗
Rob Schneider
What an interesting time we live in where a guy goes, yeah, it's because I'm nervous. I know it's a mental thing, so I take Viagra. Yeah. Wait a minute, why don't you figure out what's going on mentally with you? Why do you not like her? Are you anxious about this thing? Do you miss the old one?
17:06🔗
I'm very anxious about this, but for the fact of sleeping her for the first time, first time I've met her.
17:18🔗
Yeah, I missed the old girl, but I'm pretty much over with that. What it is, it seems like she tells me stories, I don't know if it's to make me jealous or not, but when she does, it just gets to me and makes me think that she's fucking every day.
17:56🔗
Rob Schneider
Look, he knows what's going on here. He knows what's going on. What are we going to tell him?
18:23🔗
Hey, what's up, guys?
18:27🔗
Great. Great. First, I want to tell you I love y'all. I used to watch y'all on MTV all the time. I listen to y'all every night on my way home from work.
18:39🔗
Yeah, me too.
18:41🔗
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:58🔗
Nothing. About two weeks ago, I was having some abdominal pain. Last October, I was really sick and I had gallbladder disease. And I had emergency surgery and stuff. And throughout that time, me and my boyfriend just became abstinent because I was so sick. And can you hear me? I'm on my cell phone.
19:24🔗
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're good.
19:27🔗
So I had surgery and then after that, everything was good. Hold on a second.
19:32🔗
Adam
I just had an invention for cell phones. You know, you need something built in a phone that just goes, uh-huh, because the cell phone, like Drew and I talk every night on the cell phone. I think the thing drops off every 30 feet.
19:46🔗
Adam
I'm always like, you know, my mom, first off, she acts like she's a queen. Are you there, Drew?
19:52🔗
Rob Schneider
Then I do drop off and you're like, yeah, my grandma. Oh, you missed it. You missed it.
20:07🔗
Adam
A little music. Just a little music so you know when you're on hold kind of thing or you know when you're on the air.
20:15🔗
Adam
You can program it in whatever you want. I just want an actual guy going, uh-huh. Every third uh-huh is a new. So it would be like, uh-huh, uh-huh.
20:29🔗
Rob Schneider
All right, so Christina, you had gallbladder surgery. You were not sexually active during that time. Then you got pelvic pain and what happened?
20:36🔗
Right. So, um, I was so sick when I started getting this abdominal pain, I was really scared. You know, I didn't know what was going on. So I went to my doctor and he told me I had chlamydia. And my sex drive, I mean, hasn't been as high as it used to be. Uh-huh.
20:54🔗
I'm sorry?
20:57🔗
Um, I've been off my medicine. I was on doctor's cycling for seven days.
21:03🔗
My boyfriend doesn't have any symptoms, but I know it takes four to 28 days for anything to start showing after a sexual intercourse.
21:20🔗
Um, my family doctor.
21:26🔗
Um, I'd say he's about mid-30s.
21:31🔗
Rob Schneider
Okay, because a doc's cycling is okay, but you're going to end up with a yeast infection and diarrhea and did he test you for, did he think maybe you had pelvic inflammatory disease or he knew it was just chlamydia?
21:42🔗
Well, um, I went to the doctor and then I went back six days later and he told me that I tested positive for chlamydia and he said that was probably...
21:50🔗
Rob Schneider
I see, so he put down a doc's, I understand, he put down a doc's to cycling in the meantime.
21:54🔗
Right.
21:55🔗
Drew
Okay, now what, is this the boyfriend that you're with now? Is he the only guy you slept with?
22:00🔗
No, I've been with other guys, but... He's the first one I've been with unprotected.
22:08🔗
I mean, having a sexually transmitted disease...
22:16🔗
Rob Schneider
It usually only does if you have a lot of pain. It sort of makes you aversive to it, right? It's like, oh, it's painful, I'm going to stay away from that. I don't feel very sexual when I'm thinking about STDs and pain and whatnot. But no, not in and of itself. It should not, not typically.
22:33🔗
Drew
Now, wait a second. So you've got to get this guy who has a good chance that he gave you chlamydia.
22:45🔗
No, he's not. But, I mean, he's in full-time school and he has a time job. But I mean, I told him it's no excuse to not go get checked out.
22:58🔗
Rob Schneider
He doesn't even get checked out. Both partners are treated. He just gets treatment.
23:03🔗
I know that. See, I've been reading about it.
23:09🔗
Rob Schneider
Once again, the young lady has the goods. And there's no sex. Very simple. No sex unless he gets treated.
23:21🔗
Hi.
23:23🔗
Adam
We'll tease your call and then go to break. You're 19? You're 19? You want to dump your boyfriend because he's on crack?
23:34🔗
Drew
Well, don't, don't, don't rush judgment there. We got to learn more about this guy. Sounds like a winner.
23:43🔗
Well, we're not living together, but I haven't heard from him in two weeks. I know for part of that two weeks, he was in the hospital because he used to get in and he was going to try and kill himself.
24:03🔗
Adam
You got that sexual abuse voice. What is it, what is it that, that sort of effed up white trash gene that has to push forward? Like, why is that so, why, what's so strong about that?
24:22🔗
Rob Schneider
I've asked that over many, many years of this show and I can't understand. It's, it's somehow going to fix everything. Yeah. The child's going to fix it all. It's going to fill that void.
24:32🔗
Adam
Isn't that the, the sort of, the, what, kind of, I mean, if, in terms of the earth and Yeah, what evolutionarily, yeah, what evolutionarily, what was the plan?
24:40🔗
Drew
Yeah, it's more of a Wouldn't it be the dinosaur that didn't move fast enough, you're saying?
24:44🔗
Rob Schneider
What was the plan evolutionarily? It's why the chimpanzees are seven times more dense than we are.
24:57🔗
Adam
Is in here now. We got off to a good start. The Animal, which is coming out on DVD tomorrow, uncut, director's commentary, Rob's commentary. It is, we'll give it away to the first five callers over the age of 18. Have we done that?
25:14🔗
Adam
Yeah, but what about that Jack Off, who used the F word? He gets one too? He doesn't get one.
25:47🔗
Adam
Hi there, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Tomorrow night, we got Isha Tyler in here, and then Jeff Probst will be in here after that. The Animal, the Animal DVD, by the way, is gonna be in stores tomorrow. And-
26:08🔗
Adam
I know we're sort of making fun of, you know, they always have a whole bunch of actors that no one ever gets to, but it is, and I guess they vary from DVD to DVD. To watch a director's commentary, to see deleted scenes, to have them explain why there wasn't room for the scene and that kind of stuff. I found it fascinating. I was glad I did it. And I suggest others do that when they pop the DVD in. I've only done it once on one DVD, and I've enjoyed it thoroughly.
26:35🔗
Drew
I think I might want to do that with movies like Apocalypse Now, but like, you know, for like Something About Mary.
26:42🔗
Adam
Yeah, there was secondly, there was a second jizz in the hair scene that we had to pull because the ratings board got us. Anyway, people who, so should we promote it anymore or if we're already giving away the five CDs? See what I'm saying?
26:59🔗
Adam
Yeah, we'll give away one more. What the hell? We got plenty of gifts. All right, so you call in, you're over 18. Hold on a second. Call in you're over 18, we'll give you an animal CD.
27:09🔗
They all keep hanging up, so tell them to stay on the line after we're done.
27:18🔗
Adam
All right, so Alexis over here has a 19-year-old. Yeah, 19, boyfriend on crack, hasn't been home in a few weeks, been in the hospital.
27:41🔗
Adam
Oh, he, I always hate to hear that. You know, she means, you know, another porn star, another stripper. He means another guy to stick me up at the ATM. That's rough. I'm sorry, I'm being selfish, but you understand as a mother, right? Now you taking care of this child? Yeah.
28:48🔗
No.
28:50🔗
No.
29:11🔗
Rob Schneider
And how old was the guy? And how'd you get stuck, you know, sort of wrapped up with a crack addict and pregnant? Yeah.
29:29🔗
Adam
All right, and he's not one of those guys with the attache and the handcuff to the wrist going into the casino. He's more standout front by the forklift guy, right? Right, but the desk is out in the parking lot by the forklift.
29:46🔗
Rob Schneider
All right, Alexis, here's the deal. Here's what you could do. These are your options. You can leave this guy and be done with it.
29:52🔗
Rob Schneider
Which we don't recommend because you have a child with him and he's gonna have to be a part of your life on behalf of the child. The other thing you can do is find ways to leverage him into some kind of treatment because he does not, and he's already in a psychiatric hospital, but he needs to be required to go to a sober living and to focus on a recovery.
30:09🔗
Rob Schneider
It's fine to break up with him. If you stay with him, you gotta go to Al-Anon. You have to. This will not work otherwise.
30:14🔗
Adam
Let me, I got a hypothetical here. The kid would stand a better chance if A, Alexis, and yeah, raise them, B, Bobby Bersini, one of his chimps raised it, or C, we hook them up to one of those old medieval trebuchets, the old catapult, it worked on a pulley lever system, and we just fired them.
30:44🔗
Adam
We just, whatever way the wind was blowing, we just point the trebuchet that way, just launch the kid.
30:49🔗
Rob Schneider
And every time you mention the animal trainer with the rangutan, all animal trainers named after characters in The Godfather?
30:56🔗
Let me tell you about Bobby Bacini. Bobby, let me tell you right now, he's a good man, he loves his animals. He always paid on time.
31:27🔗
Drew
What does it mean for girls who use the baby voice constantly? What the heck is that all about?
31:31🔗
Rob Schneider
It's arrested development from trauma. Something really crappy happened to them at that age and they just arrest. In fact, a guy at The Washington Post.
31:40🔗
Rob Schneider
A guy at The Washington Post did an article on this because he heard us always talking about always nailing women in their 20s and 30s who sound like they're four. We'd say, you know, what happened before? Nothing, nothing. He actually did some research on it and people who study voice and study language, what not, say there is something like that that goes on something well established.
32:02🔗
Drew
So how do they get out of that? I mean, so this is a trauma, but they still talking like this. And I know a woman who still talks in this childlike voice, but she's doing okay now with her life, but she did have trauma.
32:19🔗
Adam
It may be, but when your affect changes, your voice changes. I mean, in general, then it's not just little girls. If you think about it, sort of racist sound like racist and angry people sound like angry people and nice people sound like nice people. You know what I mean? You do sort of sound like what you are. And the same with the victims and all that. Also, there's an alluring thing too. I mean, there's that sort of Marilyn Monroe thing.
32:52🔗
Adam
But every facet of their being becomes about advertising their sexuality, whether it's visually or verbally.
33:00🔗
Rob Schneider
They literally start fetishizing their entire body. Their voice, everything becomes a fetish to try to reenact a trauma.
33:17🔗
Rob Schneider
Well, no one knows. It's probably why we do rituals and all the things. We humans are naturally drawn to recreate the traumas of the past.
33:25🔗
Drew
I would think that the woman who's been traumatized, whether it's a sexual abuse or whatever, will continue the sexual abuse over and over again to kind of say that it doesn't have a hold on her.
33:37🔗
Rob Schneider
That's how people sort of rationalize it. But the reality is it's probably some primitive part of the range is driving repetitive behavior.
33:42🔗
Adam
Oh, and plus, it's not always what they say it is. It goes down in their brain as that. And when we talk to women all the time that were sexually abused as young girls, and then they say, well, I was raped. Now they're adults and you say, well, what happened? And it's like, well, we were drinking, we started having sex. And it turns out that the girl never told the guy to stop. She never pushed him away. She never cried for help. It just went down as rape. Every encounter goes down as rape. But whenever I think about the Kobe situation, I start wondering, is that girl one of our callers who, the guy thinks, now the guy thinks, to be fair to the women, it's not 100%, you know, she's seducing him.
34:29🔗
Rob Schneider
Well, of course they are. What makes it even more blurry is they go for guys that are abusive. They bring in the abusive, exploitative guy.
34:36🔗
Adam
But I agree with Rob that it's unfair to the real rapists to call these rank amateurs like Kobe rapists, you know. No, it goes down, almost every encounter with a man goes down as rape because that's the only thing they know that's what they're trying to recreate, that's what they're trying to master. And the guy just thinks he's sort of, hey, there's some boos usually involved. And almost any time a guy's with a new woman, there's a little cajoling going on. There's always a little, come on baby, I'm not gonna tell her, whatever it is.
35:06🔗
Drew
It should be at the, it's the woman who sets the parameters of the relationship, no matter what. Whether the guy's cajoling or whatever, it's up to the woman to kind of set the parameters for what's gonna happen.
35:27🔗
Adam
And they create things, it's almost like there's a longing to create this, reenact this.
35:36🔗
Rob Schneider
No, you're trying to use your rational brain to describe a behavior that's irrational. Right. It's some kind of primitive drive. I'm actually trying to figure it out actively.
35:54🔗
Sorry, no. I'm calling from my cell phone and I'm in my boyfriend's car.
36:01🔗
I wanted to ask Greg a few things. First of all, I think you're really funny. We listen to you all the time and I do watch the man show. Thanks.
36:13🔗
The new and the old. I've been having dreams of having sex with women and I tell my boyfriend about it and I've never been with a woman and then when I do tell him these things, he's saying, well, that's your unconscious telling you that you might like that. And also...
36:47🔗
Yeah, I don't know. I mean, he's been asking me to have a threesome with him especially now his birthday's coming up.
37:10🔗
Drew
21, okay. So he wants the threesome now. Were you having these dreams before? He was suggesting that you have these threesome?
37:24🔗
I don't know. I've been, sometimes I feel like I'll be okay with it, but other times I just feel kind of scared and I can't really see myself doing that.
37:36🔗
Adam
How about you compromise getting me a decorative popcorn tin like my cheap aunt and uncle got me when I turned 21. Three types of popcorn. What did that set him back, $6? What do you think it was, $4?
38:06🔗
Adam
Oh yeah. I was in the garage. It was tough. It was a long time ago. I'm over it now. And that's the important part.
38:26🔗
Adam
It did, but I'm overcompensating now. That's the important part. I now crap into a Sylve Ily crap on a homeless guy who comes up to my house and I pay him to let me defecate on him like Danny Kay. Danny Thomas.
38:49🔗
Adam
Yeah, I either crap into that or a pewter urn. Those are my two, the homeless guy or pewter urn. It's compensation.
39:00🔗
Drew
Same thing about the guy who played the attorney, the Raymond Burr. Who says these rumors and makes these rumors up anyway? I just hope they're all true.
39:11🔗
Adam
Yeah, I know the Rod Stewart having the gallons of semen pump from his stomach is true. Other than that.
39:17🔗
Adam
And the Richard Gere Hamster one is true. Those are the ones I know are true. Other than that, I can't verify anything.
39:22🔗
Drew
I just like to know like how long it took in the series to get a gallon's worth of... Anyway. So what's the guy saying again?
39:35🔗
Rob Schneider
If you think you're lesbian, yeah, if you think you're lesbian, this is sort of a safe way to explore that, whatever.
39:44🔗
Adam
It doesn't, although guys will start having feelings about this, too, and start making cases.
39:54🔗
Adam
It's weird, because now your wife, it's like you've swung with your wife, it feels weird. It's potential for trouble.
40:04🔗
Adam
Yeah, but you only get to have sex with them three times after they're dead, and then they go bad.
40:12🔗
Adam
Now, if you live in a cold weather climate, you get five to six humpers in. But if you're out in Florida or Arizona, two, two and a half maybe.
40:21🔗
Adam
Yeah, they're out. All right, we'll take a quick break. Rob Schneider here tonight. We'll be right back after this.
40:33🔗
1-800-LOVE-191.
40:38🔗
Let's go.
40:55🔗
Adam
Rob Schneider's our guest tonight, the animal, out on DVD, or I should say in stores on DVD tomorrow. And then 51st Dates is out the 12th.
41:09🔗
Drew
Drew Barrymore, Adam Sandler. Now let me ask you, Doc, you can jump into it, too, my friend. No, I can't. Were people like not as sick in the 50s, where there's not as much damage, or was just completely underground?
41:26🔗
Rob Schneider
I think trauma is a more common phenomenon. I think families are pretty well destroyed. I think things that used to help people contain some of that have been taken away.
41:36🔗
Rob Schneider
Just, yeah, all kinds of containing elements in society just aren't there anymore. It's people just spinning out of control.
41:43🔗
Rob Schneider
You've got people with Chinese stars on their nipples that are held on by a barber.
42:11🔗
Drew
That's why when people are gonna attack her, attack her crotch, they should all jump at the same time instead of one at a time.
42:22🔗
Adam
It used to be that people lived in a smallish town and it was scandalous if you had sex out of wedlock or it was scandalous if you got divorced. It was just a scandal.
42:34🔗
Drew
It was just those desires and stuff were suppressed or they weren't allowed to get as crazy.
42:41🔗
Rob Schneider
There was a lot of shame. There was a lot of better connection and more respect for other people. And the reality was we had no birth control. You could die of an STD, die of a pregnancy. It was serious stuff. You wouldn't want to screw around.
42:59🔗
Adam
Well, it does, it does. I mean, let's put it this way. If you think you might die from an activity, you may think twice about engaging in it.
43:09🔗
Drew
I will say my friends who grew up in the 50s said it was the absolutely most boring time. Really? I really just hated it. My friends, I don't know.
43:27🔗
Hi.
43:29🔗
Caller
Yeah, sorry, I have a cold. I was wondering what the difference between bipolar and borderline personality disorder was?
43:42🔗
Rob Schneider
In the most simplistic way possible, bipolar is a mood disturbance. Where moods fluctuates wildly.
43:54🔗
Rob Schneider
Well, not mood. At the point where when you get manic, you disconnect from reality and start thinking all kinds of strange things, don't sleep for days at a time, and do strange things. And the depressions hit and they start trying to kill themselves, and these are very profound fluctuations.
44:08🔗
Rob Schneider
And sometimes those fluctuations take months, sometimes they take hours. And borderline is a personality disorder. Although there are people that believe from a neurobiological perspective that borderline, bipolar, and post-traumatic stress disorder may be related biologically.
44:27🔗
Adam
So meaning you saw something horrible and that as a young person or even older and that triggered the whole thing?
44:45🔗
Caller
No, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but my therapist and some other people disagreed with it because they said you have to be an adult to be diagnosed with it.
44:57🔗
Rob Schneider
That's true, it's sort of overused in adolescents and bipolar is quite treatable if that's all you have. That's a good thing.
45:31🔗
Adam
I think it's hereditary, the hernia stuff, pretty much. My dad had it, and everyone else in my family had it. But what do they do? How do they check it? What do I got to look forward to tomorrow?
45:42🔗
Rob Schneider
He's gonna take his finger and jam it up your inguinal canal. Take basically your testy. Leave the testy behind, but take the scrotum and insert it.
46:34🔗
Drew
But what he'll do though, is he can see if there's a, you know, where it is, right? And then poop and then pop it back in.
46:39🔗
Rob Schneider
Well, I had to reduce the damping incarcerated. You had to lie him on the floor and push him back in.
46:56🔗
Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me.
46:58🔗
So what's up? But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?
48:10🔗
Adam
Yeah. That sounds good. There's some clouds gathering. Don't worry about that. We'll fly right above that. Yeah, hang on.
48:16🔗
Drew
I remember my brother was, my brother John was at the Super Bowl and coming back and he was like Dan Aykroyd and James Brown or whatever and this old jet private and there's an old plane. He said, I ain't getting on that. I ain't doing that. Now that does, you can just read that story already.
48:30🔗
Adam
Yeah. I wonder, I'm trying to think like who's the biggest flying jinx? Do you know what I'm saying?
48:46🔗
Adam
I don't like, you know what I don't like to see? There's certain flight jinxes things. I don't like to see the guy with the video camera buzzing around like a bit laughing, you know, just holding his wife and she'll pretend to be a bird.
48:57🔗
Drew
I don't like the number if it's like, if there's too many eights in it or whatever, if you're getting off on a plane, if it just would sound, Oh, numerology. It would sound too good. It's just like, wow, that, you know, flight eight, oh eight, so it doesn't sound. You can just, you can read about it the next morning.
49:12🔗
Adam
I don't like it. I also, I don't like when a fat guy sits next to me, not because of the space problem, but because of the weight problem. Even though, logically, I understand there's, you know, 70 tons of luggage underneath me. I don't like the big lump next to me. I'm thinking, I think, wow, this is, we're not gonna be able to move with this guy. Like I look at it as more of a bicycle than an airplane. Like, you know what I mean? It's just like when a big guy sits next to you, just kinda, I like spindly people next to me.
49:39🔗
Drew
Would you ever wanna take one of those courses that it's a Survive a Plane Crash course?
49:43🔗
Drew
They give you like a little kit, and they give you this thing you put over your head, and it prevents, it gives you like two minutes of oxygen to get out of the plane.
49:50🔗
Adam
Really? Yeah. And there's all these sort of- First off, I do believe, by the way, that if you take a Survive a Plane Crash course-
50:01🔗
Adam
You're gonna die. 10,000, because whereas God doesn't have a traditional sense of humor, he has more of a cruel, drunken cousin sense of humor. Yeah.
50:13🔗
Drew
Here's what I think about. Well, what about these guys that you can go and get your tests, you know, they can check everything inside your body in and out and see like a disease before or as it's happening. And I think that's a bad idea, do you?
50:27🔗
Rob Schneider
It's BS. It doesn't work. It defines your anatomy in that moment. Anatomy, not disease, not biology, not anything else, just your anatomy in that moment. And yeah, there's something to that in that there are almost no tumors that can be preferentially detected that way that you can do anything about.
50:49🔗
Rob Schneider
Yeah, solid tumors. And then when you find a solid tumor in your pancreas, it's pretty much a...
50:51🔗
You get nothing to do anyway.
50:53🔗
Drew
So basically you could find out you have a benign cyst and you just, you can't do anything about it, you just know it's there forever.
51:00🔗
Drew
You wake up in the morning and like, well, I got that cyst over there. I got that there. I got that going for me this morning.
51:05🔗
Adam
So it's not, I mean, we're not quite at that. I mean, we're heading toward that direction, right?
51:16🔗
Adam
Yeah, that's right. Let's talk to... What percentage of people call Star Trek, Star Trek? I would say it's in the 70s.
51:32🔗
Adam
I just thought it was track the whole time. A trek doesn't mean that much to a nine-year-old. You know what I'm saying? And that's when you learn it.
51:53🔗
Caller
Yeah, and I went and saw the filming and I saw this really cool scene where you jump over a car and then I went to the premiere over in my town and then we were all disappointed. None of the scenes were there. I was wondering what's up with that.
52:07🔗
Drew
Well, it just, the movie ended up being like three hours. It was like Dr. Zhivago, the animal. And so they just, we cut that whole segment out. But it's actually in this. That's why you gotta get the DVD. I was gonna ask you. I think it is in this one. I know it's in the TV version. Did you see it on TV the other day? Yeah. And actually, it didn't really look that good, honestly. And jumping over the car, apparently I'm not able to jump over a car. Apparently I just, I'm not that talented.
52:38🔗
Drew
So anyway, it just never came out that great. But it's on the TV version. We actually finished it for, it was on TV the other day, and it is in there. I gotta tell you, the town was great. We had a great time up there.
52:50🔗
Adam
Well, let me say this. People should not get such a huge charge out of seeing their own crappy town. Like, I do that because I grew up in North Hollywood, and that's where they film everything. And every time I watch Adam 12, it's like, he's turned, he's on Magnolia! He's heading south, he's going, yeah, I know. You lived there your whole life, you hated it. He passed the Shell station. That's the one that's on Laurel and Magnolia. It's like, yeah, no ass, you drive past it every day.
53:16🔗
Is it that big a thrill to see?
53:17🔗
Drew
I watched Freebie and the Bean when I was a kid, and I went, oh my God, they're in San Francisco, that's where I live. He's the greatest.
53:24🔗
Adam
It's not like there's you standing on the corner with a sign up that says, you know, my town or something. Just drive down the crappy street.
53:38🔗
Adam
I'm gonna watch it when I get home tonight. Alicia? You're 18. Your ex-fiance left you and screwed your best friend. Oh, baby doll. And you want her back, him back?
53:52🔗
Caller
Well, it's, I don't, yeah, pretty much. I don't know, cause like, he told me that he likes me a lot and everything. But then like, when I tried, you know, showing affection and everything, and then he started just saying, oh, well, let's just be friends and everything like that.
54:10🔗
Rob Schneider
Some people define insanity as going back to the same situation without any significant change and expecting a different result.
54:21🔗
Rob Schneider
And here's a guy that, although he tells you one thing, his actions speak far more loudly about who he is and what he actually feels. His words are merely to manipulate you, to get you to do the things he wants, period.
54:35🔗
Adam
Ironically, the words are only to believe from the kind of people who don't have, do bad actions and deeds. You know what I mean? Well, I mean, here's what I'm saying. People go, this guy, he lied and he stole and he cheated and he raped, but then he says this. Well, whatever that guy says doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Ironically, the guy who doesn't do anything bad, that's the guy you should listen to, but he doesn't have a rap. That guy, you don't need to listen to him.
55:03🔗
Rob Schneider
That is interesting, because guys that actually are genuine, it isn't so fluid with all that crap.
55:09🔗
Drew
Sometimes a girl will sleep with one guy and then try to create this perfect relationship out of this one guy, because they still feel guilty of her sleeping with a guy. Does that make sense at all?
55:29🔗
Caller
I used to go around and I would have lots of boyfriends and I didn't really used to care about anybody. And then I got into this relationship and things just got really serious and everything. We had been-
55:44🔗
Rob Schneider
It's interesting how the abuse or inevitably becomes the abusee. I'm not the way I used to be anymore.
56:05🔗
Caller
No, he used to be really sweet and everything and then she supposedly had some huge personal thing going on and then he started being friends with her.
56:36🔗
Drew
You know what? It's also a self-esteem problem. Some girls, they just don't think they're gonna get another guy. You know what? You can get another guy.
56:45🔗
Rob Schneider
Just because this guy's an abusive a-hole. She has to have that. Her dad was an abusive-
56:59🔗
Adam
That's the kind of guy she needs, huh? Can you get a guy who's not like your old dad, please? All right, that's enough. You're broken up. Stay that way.
57:11🔗
Adam
And let me tell you, ladies, the number one, here's what you need to do, everybody. Turn on daytime TV and then do the opposite of whatever you see.
57:30🔗
Adam
Sleeveless t-shirts, the cutoff sweats, and the bad sort of greasy Nero hairdo where the bangs, you go the opposite.
57:42🔗
Adam
Ladies, when you flip it on and you see the two chicks fighting it out because the one guy's nailing both of you, instead of being angry at the guy, they've chosen to turn on each other.
57:54🔗
Adam
That is a white trash maneuver. No Jewish chick would ever do that. Can you imagine two Jewish brats going at it?
58:08🔗
Adam
Oh, it's such a white, it's a real white, black chick, actually everybody but the Jews. Jew chick never do this. Never would. I just love it. I love it when they go at each other and they start just digging in and the guy's just gotta be laughing his ass off thinking, I get to F the winner of this fight.
58:32🔗
Hey.
58:35🔗
Caller
Just wanted to say, Adam, you're great. And also, I saw you guys at Stanford when you guys came down for that little talk or whatever.
58:43🔗
Caller
Yeah, you took a little bit too many questions from the audience. Adam, you tried to throw a nut in my mouth. Remember that?
58:55🔗
Caller
The first get, someone asked a question in the audience and they came out and they offered Adam a bunch of gifts, Crown Royale and cashews because they liked nuts.
59:03🔗
Adam
Somebody gave me a big can of cashews and I decided since we're on stage, I want to see how many rows I could throw the cashew back and get it into some guy's mouth. I threw it about 12, 13 rows back.
59:15🔗
Caller
It was like nine or 10, Adam. But it was a pretty good distance, you know. It was about 20 feet and It broke a tooth.
59:38🔗
Caller
Not really, Robin. I cut work a whole bunch of days that I'm over the break to actually go fishing in a Pacific appear.
59:46🔗
Caller
Yeah, I actually know that and yeah, always fogging Pacifica, though. Me and my friends always say that. And Rob, I just want to say that.
1:00:00🔗
Caller
I just want to say, Rob, you're great, but still there's Sandler, so you can't forget about that.
1:00:10🔗
Adam
Well, let me just explain a phenomenon for years of doing the Man Show and dealing with the A-hole has been cross-bred with a fan. It's basically, there's some farm where they take very enthusiastic, very complimentary, ravenous fans of your work, and they cross-breed them with A-holes. And that's the guy I spend my life talking to. They go like, hey, I was there, I was on it. Yeah, man, Drew it, through that nut, 15 rows. That's more like eight. Rob, big fan of your work, one sand, we're gonna give you another kiss. You know, it's like, they just, they never.
1:00:52🔗
Drew
That's when I felt a little nervousness in his, you know, he's talking like, and then-
1:00:56🔗
Rob Schneider
Yeah, well, he goes, he goes, I went to Pacific Pier. It's always foggy there. It's like, what? Really, we needed to hear about the fog in Pacific Pier.
1:01:04🔗
Adam
I was in, I was in Houston and, and by the way, no, no bigger fan cross with an A-hole than you find in the Boston area, by the way. I saw some, I was in Houston.
1:01:16🔗
Adam
Just doing some sort of celebrity, whatever. And the guy called me over and he's like, hey Adam, come here, man, we're big fans, we're big fans. And I'm like, hey, what's happening? He goes, oh man, Kimmel, man, whoa, you're so much funnier. Kimmel, what's Kimmel doing? What's he up to now? And I said, he's got his own network talk show. And the guy goes, dude, I don't know what you're doing, but you should try to get on that show. It's like, what? He flipped the compliment on me in a second. Like one second he was a fan, the next minute Kimmel sucked. And now Kimmel's great. I should be getting on Kimmel's show.
1:01:48🔗
Drew
People come up to you and go, hey, that was pretty good. That's how that movie, that was pretty good. They can't give it up because it's some reflection on them.
1:02:12🔗
Drew
Yeah, I just, this was terrific, or I really like this. I would never want to have some coded thing.
1:02:25🔗
Caller
Anyway, I really appreciate all your work that you did. You were great in Big Daddy with the Kalka Radio and all that kind of stuff. And also, Thank you. Rob, I really, one of the best things I've ever seen you do was that laugh that you did on the roast of Hugh Hefner after Gilbert Godfrey told that joke. That was a genuine laugh.
1:02:47🔗
Drew
Gilbert just got my, you know, and plus it was just the most, you didn't see it on the show how really disgusting that joke, the jokes he was saying was. He was just absolutely filthiest. You were there that night.
1:03:01🔗
Drew
It's just, the scene just kills me. He's like a machine gun. It just pummels you and he just, he just always was making me laugh. He just murdered me.
1:03:09🔗
Adam
Yeah, he actually went up, he did about 20 minutes when everyone was supposed to do about six minutes.
1:03:16🔗
Adam
The filthiest X rated material you've ever heard in your life. I think it was an old joke, but he embellished it and delivered it impeccably. And the room was falling off their chairs, but they couldn't show it on tape, so God knows what actually was on the finished edit. But anyway, yeah, he is really funny. What's up? Hey, David, anything else?
1:03:40🔗
Caller
I just wanted to say, ask Rob if he had anything else coming up planned. I mean, like, literally promising in 51st dates, I just want to know what was next. Any more like cross-dressing for him or talking to the animals and sleeping with them?
1:03:50🔗
Drew
Well, I did a couple of the... I did the animal one in the cross-dressing movie. I don't know. It just seemed like it was fun playing a girl. It would be... I hadn't seen anybody else really do it. And the next movie is Deuce Bigelow 2, a European gigolo we start filming in a month.
1:04:24🔗
Jade? Hello?
1:04:28🔗
Caller
First, I'd like to say thank you for taking my call. And second, I love the sound of your sexy voices.
1:04:38🔗
Caller
So my question is, I really like this guy and I wanted the opinion of a true man on how to approach him that I like him.
1:04:46🔗
Drew
Okay, first of all, if you just go up to him and say hi and that's about it. That's all you're going to need.
1:05:13🔗
Drew
Okay, if he's a cute girl and I'm a single guy and I've been friends with her for a year and a half, there's something else happening.
1:05:30🔗
Caller
Yes, I was at the end of a really bad relationship and I got out of it and we started being really good friends then.
1:05:38🔗
Adam
No. Let's convene for a second. First off, if a chick is hot and a guy is single, you need no strategy. It's like Mike Tyson saying, I'm going to fight Dustin Diamond. What should I do? And the answer is, just go, just show up, just walk forward. You'll be fine.
1:05:58🔗
Rob Schneider
To me, it's even literally, it's even worse. It's like, what's this? We've got all these sharks, we're throwing the chum in the middle. What's the strategy? How do we get the sharks to bite? No, no, it's no strategy.
1:06:12🔗
Adam
But don't blame the shark. The shark thought you were its favorite meal. And by the way, do we really know what they have favorites? Or do we have one that they're lactose intolerant? Or what's an allergic to things? Like, shark's favorite meal. I bet his favorite meal is anything that falls off the goddamn boat.
1:06:32🔗
Adam
Like, if I just took a frozen turkey, used the trebuchet and launched it off the back of a boat, that would be the shark's favorite meal. And by the way, shark's favorite meal is a rotting whale carcass, a 13-year-old Hawaiian chick, a piece of an outboard motor. They really have favorite meals.
1:06:51🔗
Rob Schneider
So she would be the chump. Now, the other thing is, when a male and a female get in a friendship, it always starts because somebody's attracted. And then the other...
1:07:05🔗
Rob Schneider
But he wasn't attracted, because she was the one that was attracted to make the friendship.
1:07:11🔗
Caller
Lately, I think he's sending me mixed signals. He's acting like a girl, like with the mind games, you know?
1:07:21🔗
Caller
I asked him why he was talking with me, because I said, oh, you know, you probably talked to me before my time, right? And he said, no, close though. And I was, you know, kind of thinking there. I might be crazy, but I could be thinking he likes me there.
1:07:36🔗
That sounded crazy.
1:07:39🔗
Rob Schneider
Yeah, Jade, don't you have to bring out the Ouija board and the Rosetta Stone and stuff. Guys are very specific and very direct.
1:07:47🔗
Adam
Once in a while you run into a guy who's a little spastic, who can't get out of his own way, in which case, okay, here's the real. I hate to say this, but booze must be involved. You guys must go.
1:08:03🔗
Adam
All right, here's the thing. If you are with him one weekend and have a couple of cocktails in an intimate environment, the truth will start coming out.
1:08:16🔗
Rob Schneider
But don't jump at him because if he's not really attracted, not really wanting this to go in that direction, it's going to be very unpleasant and uncomfortable for both of you. Just open the door, just kick open the door and see what happens.
1:08:29🔗
Drew
Once you opened up the whole breast thing and he didn't move on that, there's something weird going on there. Because usually, if you're that direct to a guy and he doesn't make the forward leap onto you, then I would think...
1:09:08🔗
Rob Schneider
Alone and quiet by yourself. And just leave the door open. Drop a couple of hints and see what happens.
1:09:19🔗
Adam
Yeah, Little Al Green music never hurt, set the mood. Rob Schneider is in our studio tonight. The Animal out on DVD starting tomorrow. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Be back. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Rob Schneider's in studio tonight. He brought us both grenade-size avocados from his own tree.
1:10:01🔗
Adam
Those of you who are listening to the show, well, we got a caller from Wisconsin over here.
1:10:10🔗
Adam
Let's put her on. The point is, Rob has either picked himself or more likely had his assistant pick a large avocado.
1:10:25🔗
Adam
Let's put it this way. If I threw this at your head, you would have died. And if I put it in Tré Boucher.
1:10:37🔗
Yeah.
1:10:40🔗
Very cold. It's like probably like 13 degrees out right now.
1:10:50🔗
Like all last week.
1:10:55🔗
Yes.
1:10:59🔗
Yes. We'll not really cook. I make dip and stuff.
1:11:02🔗
Adam
By the way, you want to hear what a horrible cook my wife is? I walked in the kitchen one day, saw her peeling an avocado like it was an orange. And she's like, what? And I was like, are you, are you serious? Like, did you know I was going to walk in? Like I said, you know, when I was masturbating and I said that I knew you were coming in and it was a joke, is it that kind of thing? She's like, no, no, this is how, this is how you do it. I said, I'm going to, I'm going to kill your mom. This is horrible. Oh, by the way, speaking of traumatizing the wife, let me just say one thing. We get to listen one second. Just remind me of something, Drew. You know, there's, there's like, we got every invention we need. It's like, there's 32 different kinds of bottle openers, you know, right? Cork pullers, wine bottle, I don't need 32. I need like two good ones or even just one. When is the toilet timer flusher thing going to come in? My wife has now discovered the third big duke floating in the toilet with her. And here's what happens, I'm on the phone.
1:12:09🔗
Drew
You're doing business on the phone, Mr. President. Yeah, you flush, you don't want people to know where you are.
1:12:18🔗
Rob Schneider
And yeah, well, I have a feeling this wasn't that floating. It was a big dump.
1:12:24🔗
Adam
She gave me, it was pointing toward Macca. She gave me this one. She goes, I was in the living room and I was listening to headphones and I was skipping rope. And she came out in the hall and she just looked at me. She was like someone who was landing a carrier on a deck. She did the two fingers, like, yes, yes, I said, what? She goes, come here. She did the wave and I'm like, I'm skipping rope. I'm like, what? And she starts guiding me in. She walks me all the way down the hall, through the thing, walks me on the, what is this? Then just right down to the toilet. I'm like, all right, I was humiliating. But if I had, if I had the foot, like.
1:12:59🔗
Drew
Well, you know what? You can have that same sound that you wanted for the cell phone, it's a zing, zing. That zing sound could tell her not to go into the toilet for a while.
1:13:12🔗
Adam
It's just a pressure, it's a pressure switch, which is after your ass gets down onto the seat, and if the cat jumps up on it, it's not active. It's gotta be more than like 70 pounds hits the seat, right? Let's make it 60 for Asians. Okay, the ass hits the seat and it clicks on. Now, after the ass comes off the seat, it flushes within five minutes of that time. Maybe two minutes, that's it. That could never, cause this happens all the time to me, and I don't know why, but I'm humiliated by it.
1:13:47🔗
Rob Schneider
Yeah, it's a great, it should be, or maybe the way we flush, we push it down, and it starts to slowly come up before it actually engages.
1:13:57🔗
Drew
What I want is that loud noise while you're on the phone. Right, right. Telling the person on the other line, you're not important.
1:14:02🔗
Adam
And I don't know what it is about having people thinking you're doing anything on the phone that's humiliating, like they call you at 4.30 in the morning, were you asleep? No, no, no, I'm right, I'm right. What is that in the background? Is that the TV? No, that's nothing, just a car drove by. Are you smoking? Why can't you do anything on the phone? You talk to your best friend, but he finds out you're taking a crap, it's a big deal.
1:14:23🔗
Drew
I call my friend Josh Lieb, he's a comedy writer, and this guy, and I'm talking to him, and all of a sudden I hear something like, ding, ding, and I didn't find out, are you in the bath right now? He says, yeah, he's perfectly comfortable like being in the tub. In the tub. He's in the, he's, hours he's in there, and it just, he's perfectly comfortable being on the phone.
1:14:39🔗
Adam
Wow, I like to talk to his therapist and start using him, Melissa. It's a comfortable, confident man.
1:14:54🔗
I have a question. My boyfriend, we've been going together for about three years now. Lately, it's like he's trying to push me away, and I just don't understand why. And then it's like, he'll like take fights with me.
1:15:14🔗
Yeah, but like when he leaves me, like I leave him, I get sick of it or whatever, or he'll say, I don't want to be with you, and I just want to be friends. I'm like, okay, that's fine. And I'll get over it for like a week. And then he'll call me and be like, I love you, I miss you, and this and that. And then it just cycles back and forth. And it's just like, I'm getting really sick of it. And like I've told him, like so many times, I'm just like-
1:15:40🔗
I love him, but I want to leave him. But it's just like, when I do and when I get comfortable, like being by myself, you know, after the first week, it's just like, okay, you know, I can do something.
1:15:52🔗
Rob Schneider
Okay, a couple of things here. First of all, I think that I love him, but I want to get away from, I don't think that exists after 35. It's like, I'm done, I'm gonna get away. You don't fool yourself anymore with that.
1:16:05🔗
Drew
By the way, just take it easy on yourself because it's extremely common. Everyone, it's just like, you know, the guy, he wants something else, the grass is greener, and a week later he realizes, you know, I got this though.
1:16:18🔗
Um, yes.
1:16:24🔗
But see, I'm, like, it's like, I need it too, you know? So it's like, okay, whatever, you know.
1:16:30🔗
Adam
Okay, but let me make this analogy that Drew, you know, I don't know what the average time, you know, people quit drugs or cigarettes or booze or whatever it is they're trying to quit. It's three or four times before it takes. And the same with relationships. You've been with somebody for three years, especially, you know, she's 20, so she got to get 16, 17 years old. You break up and then you get back and then you break up and you get back. She was like three, two, three times before it actually takes. And as you get older, you just start realizing, hopefully, that when you break up the first time, maybe you should just stick with that plan instead of bouncing back. But this thing is sort of, this is what happens when a relationship is sort of coasting to a stop. It's sort of like, you know what?
1:17:16🔗
Adam
Like when a car's running out of gas, every once in a while, it catches, and it's like, oh, oh, oh, you know? But it's running out of gas, but it'll catch every once in a while.
1:17:32🔗
Rob Schneider
No, somebody does something with somebody. Somebody finds somebody else, that's it. Of power, it's just boom, now it's over, that's it.
1:17:37🔗
Adam
It would be nice if there was an event that made it sort of, that you couldn't get past. You know what I mean?
1:17:45🔗
Drew
Right, but she hasn't set any boundaries in this relationship with this guy. She keeps taking him back, and so he gets what he wants, and then she's feeling like not the most high self-esteem in the world, so she keeps taking him back. And you just gotta find, if this is the guy you really wanna spend time with.
1:18:00🔗
Adam
No. That is break up. And look, anyone who's been with anyone from 17 to 20 needs to break up anyway.
1:18:06🔗
Drew
Right, and it's good to be alone for a while and to scare yourself, like I don't know what I could be alone. It's good to explore the I don't know what it's like to be alone.
1:18:14🔗
Adam
Right, plus, then what happens? You get engaged to somebody you've been sort of on and off with.
1:18:24🔗
Adam
Yeah? A man who shares your passion for avocados. What's up, Paul? I'm great. Hold on, I don't like this exporting of our fruits and vegetables to other places. You know, it used to be one of our things, like hey, Hawaiians had their pineapples, we had our avocados and we could laugh at other cities and states. Now everyone's got something. Everyone's got something.
1:18:44🔗
Rob Schneider
Everyone's got everything now. I've got a patient brings a bunch of Hawaiian papayas every time they come in.
1:18:50🔗
Adam
It's nice, but if you live in Hawaii, you gotta be angry. You gotta be angry about that.
1:18:57🔗
Drew
It's like tumbleweeds in Hawaii and papaya. They're just everywhere. They just grow like weeds.
1:19:22🔗
Drew
Yeah, that's the person they make fun of. It's like the Chinese and the Hawaiians and they make fun of the Portuguese. I don't know why. Yeah. Just the way it works out.
1:19:46🔗
Drew
Who, you know, if it's a choice, sure, who wouldn't want to? Are you saying you think you have a problem?
1:20:07🔗
Adam
I bang like the bejeeze sound of my girlfriend eight times a day. So, do you know what the problem is? It's like, you got a boner, you idiot. Check off.
1:20:24🔗
Adam
Here's the reason, guys beat off before they go to bed, not because they can't do it or they won't, they have to do it or they won't be able to go to sleep, it's because they know it's going to be good eight hours before they can do it again. To me it's like why you take a leak before you take a drive to San Francisco. It's like, you know you're in your car, you gotta get one in, you're gonna be down for a while.
1:20:47🔗
Adam
Sure, okay, yeah, let me give you an example. You didn't beat off and now like a missing piece of the Skylab goes right through your bedroom and crushes you and there you are.
1:21:01🔗
Drew
Here's what gets me, here's what I always think about, like tonight I was on the way over here. I said, you know, better pick up a little dinner. So I make my buddy drop, stop at a place, we get some food and I'm going by the food section in Wild Oats there and there's sushi. I'm thinking, if you're gonna buy sushi at a supermarket, if it's just in case, chances are it's not bad, but if it is bad, no one's gonna feel sorry for you. We're like, what were you thinking, getting sushi in a supermarket, just like people who go out and do this is like parasailing in Mexico, and then they get killed, well, what were you thinking parasailing in Mexico? So I'm always thinking of like, if what you're gonna get sympathy from or not, when you do something, sleeping with a Haitian hooker. Now, what were you thinking without a condom?
1:21:46🔗
Adam
Right, and it is true that the fact that you're gone is secondary to what took you out.
1:21:54🔗
Adam
I'm convinced I'm gonna be crushed by something frozen, a piece of food, like a pot roast or something.
1:21:59🔗
Drew
Or how about that gigantic, you know, when the ice that comes out of the toilets. No, the toilet from the plane, yeah.
1:22:13🔗
Drew
That'll be frozen at 30,000 feet from a plane, and it's the blue liquid from the toilet, and it'll actually leak out from the plane, and it will drop and be a chunk of ice and could just kill you. Yeah, yeah.
1:22:27🔗
Adam
No, no, no. No, it actually happened. It went through a guy's boat and stuff. Well, here's the whole thing about planes and boats and all forms of transportation before just a few years ago. Somebody was like, look, we're 30,000 feet in the air. Why should we store a big barrel of poop to bring back with us to the airport? For Christ's sake. Yeah, yeah.
1:22:49🔗
Adam
I'm bringing macadamia nuts back from Hawaii. We got a big tub of, you know, we got enough weight. First off, there's weight issues on the plane. And secondly, who wants a big tub of crap? Well, just, we're over the Atlantic. We're 35,000 feet in the air. It's just dropping the ocean. Cruise liners used to do this, too.
1:23:11🔗
Adam
It just goes right under the track. Oh, jeez. Yeah, I think this, you know, maybe this, now people never did this back when they just rode bicycles. Did they just, a guy just cramping while they're riding that bike with the giant wheel?
1:23:23🔗
Drew
Yeah, but in England, back in the middle ages, what they do, they just throw the crap over the fence. If I don't see it, if the neighbor doesn't throw it back, I'm sure I'm going to put it. All right. Until they start throwing it back and then the plague.
1:23:34🔗
Adam
Yeah, then came the decorative popcorn tin and then he falls into the toilet. All right, let's take ourselves a little break. Rob Schneider here tonight, we'll be right back. Hey everybody, it's Loveline. Aisha Tyler's in here tomorrow night, and then Jeff Probst is gonna be in here from Survivor. And I'm a big fan of Survivor. I watch it every season, so I'm...
1:24:20🔗
Drew
My wife's a big fan of this reality stuff. I have to admit, it was like pummeling of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the real world, and MTV's got these shows. They don't even play music on MTV anymore. But then you end up watching something. It's just like a car crash. I don't know if it's good, I don't know if it's bad, but I'm going to watch it while the impact is happening.
1:24:47🔗
Adam
Right, yeah. Well, it's just everybody getting in everyone's face and confronting everybody.
1:24:52🔗
Drew
Can you imagine how weird it is? Can you imagine somebody like Rod Serling looking at television in modern culture now go, well, Rod, here's the idea, well, what's on the air now?
1:25:03🔗
Drew
Yeah, submit it for your approval. A group of ten bachelors. One of these will pick, you know, what?
1:25:09🔗
Adam
Well, I find myself getting uncomfortable with certain rituals involved with like, you know, she's going on a date with one guy and making out with him, then she's out with the other guy, she's making out with him. I just, I get sort of humiliated for everybody involved and want to avert my gaze. But Survivor, at least there's an object that's sort of a theme in a game to play. I'm all right if they sort of pick a direction other than just out and out humiliation. John? John, you're 18.
1:25:41🔗
Caller
Yeah, I'm 18. By the way, Adam, I think you're like a freaking god. And Drew, you're like a genius. And Rob, I think you're a real time big fan. I love doing the hot shake. That was pretty awesome.
1:25:53🔗
Caller
Yeah, anyways, oh, okay, here's my problem. The thing is that recently, I have no idea, but the thing is that I've been having problems like masturbation. It's like, it doesn't happen as often as I did before.
1:26:13🔗
Caller
It's been, I mean, a couple of months, actually. Probably been here four or five months, you know?
1:26:18🔗
Adam
Yeah, and by the way, hold on. Let me tell you something about masturbation, but it's any time you want to achieve a goal, you don't sit around and wait for opportunity to come knocking at your door.
1:26:31🔗
Adam
You drop those pants, you start beating off. His other side, he hasn't been visited by the beat-off fairy.
1:26:38🔗
Rob Schneider
I know, Adam, this is hard for you to imagine, but most men beat off when they have an impulse to do so. They have a desire to, things build up, then they go. They don't wait, they don't unload before it's even...
1:26:48🔗
Adam
All right, and wait till one of those guys doesn't do it before he goes to bed, and as Rob says, meteor, or light-weight aircraft, police helicopter, something crashes through the roof and kills them.
1:27:01🔗
Drew
And on the way, when you hear that piercing noise on the way down, the last thing they'll think is, I should have jacked.
1:27:18🔗
Caller
I mean, in a day, probably sometimes, like, not even at all. Like, in a week, it'll probably happen about twice or three times a week, you know?
1:27:28🔗
Drew
You're perfectly normal. Just chill out and go enjoy the rest of your life. This is not a problem.
1:27:45🔗
Rob Schneider
Think how far we've come from the day when the guy was like, I can't talk about masturbation.
1:27:53🔗
Drew
Now, a little pain down there, if you haven't had unprotected sex, that's normal. You're fine. Don't worry about it. Don't be so paranoid. Get a hobby outside of your pants.
1:28:08🔗
Rob Schneider
Pretty common. Trasticular what? Trasticular torsion, or the testes twist side to side.
1:28:16🔗
Rob Schneider
Well, I've seen a few hundred cases. But the point is if something really hurts, get it looked at. But it's probably nothing.
1:28:23🔗
Adam
Rob only knows Sandler and the guy beats off in the tub when he talks to him on the phone.
1:28:29🔗
Adam
No torsion? Then it doesn't exist. All right. Let's talk to Sam who's 19 years of age. Sam? Oh, Sam the chick.
1:28:56🔗
Drew
Just the Elvis, you know, with the young girls was always kind of creepy to me, but I know he must have talked to them like this.
1:29:16🔗
Rob Schneider
She was, I forget the story, she was like a sort of neighbor au pair and he spotted her and locked her and the date was set up. She said he's everything weird and bizarre and awful.
1:29:37🔗
Drew
Because my cousin, who was from the Bay Area, her best friend, was the whole chapter in Elvis What Happened about her. She was 16. Here's the weird thing. She told me about the story. She was still a knockout when I met her when she was in her 40s. Anyway, she was 16 and she traveled with her mom to Vegas and then she had a big teddy bear in the front row and everything. Then after she sat down, somebody came back and said, E would like to see you. She was able to figure that out. Then he takes her up to his room and they're talking and just whatever in his bedroom until like 5 o'clock in the morning. Finally, Elvis says, by the way, how did you get here? My mom said, where is your mom? She's down in the diner waiting for me. The mom let the kid go up with Elvis. Elvis, you know it's my daughter, but you're Elvis. Until 5 o'clock in the morning. Isn't that crazy? Then they got her a hotel room.
1:30:41🔗
Adam
1975. It was one of the bigger names of the time. Yeah. He just waited in the lobby. I blew Paul. He was wearing a kerchief at the time. That's all. Just that.
1:31:05🔗
Caller
Oh, yeah. I almost forgot too. Well, I classified myself as one of those girls who has to have the guy that I can't have or whatever.
1:31:34🔗
Adam
Yeah, but does this behavior stop or does it wear off? You know what I mean? It wears out. It's more like when you get tar on your foot at the beach. You just wear it off.
1:31:44🔗
Drew
Through emotional beatings, you finally discover that this is not something that's rewarding. It's something that's punishing me, and I'll stop doing it.
1:31:53🔗
Adam
Right. Yeah, but it's sort of like gambling in that there's the next score around the next corner. Sometimes. I could do it. But yeah, eventually you lose enough and just stop going to the casino. And Sam? Yeah. Right.
1:32:08🔗
Drew
But how unavailable is this guy? Is he your teacher? Is he your girlfriend's boyfriend? Is he your friend of your dad's? How unavailable is this guy?
1:32:16🔗
Caller
Oh, no, no, no. He's he's my ex boyfriend. And so it's just like we keep going back and forth and I hate that. So I tried dating like the boy.
1:32:26🔗
Drew
Can you lie and say it's your dad's best friend just to make this conversation more interesting?
1:32:33🔗
Drew
I have a gift. No. So what? It's a boyfriend and what's the deal? Now you want him back and he's with somebody else?
1:32:42🔗
Caller
Oh, no, we just we keep getting back. We keep like getting together and breaking up.
1:32:48🔗
Adam
Speaking of breaking up, we got to take a break. You just we did cover it. It's a rite of passage. Here's what you got to do in this.
1:32:56🔗
Adam
Yeah. Don't get pregnant in the many back and forth because you get off birth control. He puts the condoms away. It's spontaneous. He shows up drunk. You get pregnant. Now you got a kid.
1:34:08🔗
Adam
Yeah, we'll do one of those bad DJ things where the guy spins records for 44 straight hours while he just drinks coffee and does trucker speed and somehow it's a testament to the guy. By the way, I don't want to hear a guy who's been up for 45 hours now. Rob Schneider, The Animal, which is out tomorrow on DVD. It's got all the added footage, deleted scenes, and it's got Bobby Bersini actually giving commentary.
1:34:50🔗
Caller
This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.