Thursday, June 14, 2001

1:01🔗 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:07🔗 Voiceover Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. LoveLine, coast to coast.

1:13🔗 Voiceover Hey, it is LoveLine. I'm Adam Corolla. That's Dr. Drew over there. 1-800-LOVE-191? Almost gave the fax number out. Fax number?

1:22🔗 Drew No, please.

1:24🔗 Adam Please. Still, if anyone wants to know why we cannot receive faxes, it's because the company that manufactures the paper that Westwood One bought for their aging fax machine does not exist anymore. They do not make that tractor feed type paper anymore, apparently, and Westwood One, because it's a dump, a pit in a hellhole will not buy themselves a new fax machine. Is that right, Engineer Anderson? That is right. Thank you very much. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist, back from New York, and his triumphant appearance on 48 Hours, which will air who cares?

2:04🔗 Drew July 5th.

2:05🔗 Adam Okay. We have two guests tonight, both comedians, both going to be at the Irvine, right, Improv? Irvine, Improv. We'll give all the dates. Patton Oswalt is here, you know, from King of Queens, Monday Night, CBS, 8 o'clock, and Brian Posehn. Now, wait a minute. I should have said that up. Posehn. Yeah, I shouldn't have read the phonetics spelling there. Just Shoot Me, NBC, at 9.30, and on Thursdays, I should say, and these guys are funny. They actually have talent, which is so refreshing here on LoveLine because we usually do not have guests that possess talent unless it's some form of musical talent. So glad to see you guys here. And are you guys co-headlining? How does that work?

2:52🔗 Guest Pretty much.

2:53🔗 Yeah. Except that I'm closing every night. Yeah.

2:56🔗 Guest And he's getting more money, so. But we're co-headlining. Yeah.

3:01🔗 Adam And is... Do you like doing stand-up?

3:04🔗 Guest Yeah. We've both done it for a long time.

3:05🔗 Drew Yeah.

3:06🔗 Guest And it kind of dropped out for a little while.

3:08🔗 It got really fun again because it kind of died, which is... Oh. I'm sorry. God.

3:13🔗 Guest It's such...

3:14🔗 All this new technology. Radio. I have no mic technique as a comedian, which is sad. That doesn't bode well for next week. Comedy kind of died, so now the audiences that come out are really cool. Like, they're just into it rather than just...

3:30🔗 Guest It's not like it used to be in the 80s. People that just didn't know what to do and they'd... You know, there was a club on every corner, so they just roll in. And now it's people that actually like comedy and are familiar with the people that they're going to see.

3:42🔗 Right.

3:43🔗 Adam Right. It got a little out of control for a while. They were doing it like open mic at Bale Bonds places on Thursday nights and stuff.

3:51🔗 Guest Pretty grim.

3:52🔗 Adam Every place that had chairs in it basically just threw an open mic night together. Buses. Yeah. Mobile comedy. And it was, was the height of it like 88, 89 or so. It was like the late 80s when it got the worst.

4:08🔗 Guest It was totally dead by like 92, 93. Every club closed. I left San Francisco and like half the clubs closed in that, you know, like in a two month period.

4:18🔗 Adam And it seems like it doesn't, it's an art form that I'm sure will never go away, but it'll have its peaks and its valleys, its ebb and its flow. And now it's on the way back.

4:29🔗 Guest It seems like, and a lot of the bad ones had to quit, which is great. A lot of the really unfunny guys had to give up the dream.

4:40🔗 Adam Pack it in. Late night radio.

4:42🔗 We're getting confessional early.

4:45🔗 Adam No, but it does, it does kind of screw everybody when every, there's so many, everybody thinks they have a good sense of humor. They all work with a bunch of jackholes who think they're the funniest guy on the construction site. So open mic rolls around and there's forty guys waiting in line and the guy who's pulling the names out of the hat doesn't know who's funny and who's not. And consequently, four of them should really be there, but there's another thirty six guys you've got to wade through to get up on stage.

5:16🔗 Caller Oh yeah, it's like, yeah I've memorized a bunch of stuff, jokes out of Playboy, I'm going to have a career now. I cracked up my supervisor.

5:26🔗 Guest I'm the funniest lawyer. I'm going to take that to the stage.

5:30🔗 Adam I always love it when the guys who were lawyers or were doctors or I should say are lawyers, are doctors, are butchers, are very specific in terms of their daytime job. They get up there and they'll do 45 minutes on what it's like being an Albertsons butcher or an attorney and it's just, you know, two and a half minutes of the act would be good on the attorney thing, but not the 45.

5:55🔗 Caller Yeah. Right. I'm the comedic honey dipper. I don't want to hear it, dude. Come on, not 40 minutes.

6:02🔗 Adam You should see what we sucked out of a porter's sand last week. Got stuck in the main sieve. Tell you, it's a gold mine if you're willing to go in.

6:11🔗 Caller We got the Marriott Commission and folks, you better sit back, order some extra buffalo wings. This is going to be long.

6:17🔗 Adam I did stand up for about 10 minutes but I never made it past the open mic part of it.

6:22🔗 Drew You almost killed yourself because of what I'd say.

6:24🔗 Adam Oh, yeah. I almost drove off a bridge. Where was that?

6:27🔗 Drew San Francisco.

6:28🔗 Adam Rooster T. Feathers. Oh, man.

6:34🔗 Caller I got fired from Rooster T. Feathers because the owner's mom didn't like me.

6:40🔗 Guest She would come and make sure the comics weren't cussing.

6:43🔗 Adam The owner's mother.

6:44🔗 Guest Yeah.

6:44🔗 Caller Mom.

6:45🔗 Adam Right. Some old bag.

6:46🔗 Guest Yeah.

6:47🔗 Adam I think she's a friend of my grandmother's. I swear to God.

6:50🔗 Guest She'd show up in her slippers and seriously and then watch us and then if you cuss she'd report back that you were dirty and not funny if you were killing. That'd be like you said one potty word.

7:01🔗 Adam Like Marge Shot running a comedy club. Yeah. That was the lowest point of my professional life. Forget about professional life. Just life. I was like 20. I was like 27. Everything was going wrong. I was working construction since high school. I couldn't get anything right. I had no insurance. I had no money. And one day I just thought I need to change a venue. I need to get out of this stale town and I'll go up to San Francisco and I'll crash with my buddy Zeb who's in his ninth year over there at Berkeley. And I'll scrape together a few hundred bucks and my grandmother knows the old bag who owns Rooster Teeth Feathers and she'll get me an audition and I'll become a regular there. I just need a place to work out. I'll work out a bunch of material. I'll stay up there for a good six months and I'll come back and take LA by storm. I drove out there in my Nissan mini mini truck with a sleeping bag in the back, crashed out at Zeb's, got my crap together for about three days trying to get my material together. Drove out to Rooster Teeth Feathers, which is not really that close to San Francisco, is it?

8:15🔗 Caller No, it's a trek. No, yeah.

8:17🔗 Adam Big long bridge.

8:18🔗 Guest It's like Orange County in LA. Yeah, totally. It's that far away.

8:22🔗 Adam Drove out there, she was, my grandmother called her up, I don't know how the hell my grandmother knew her, but called her and she said, yeah, we'll put them up Tuesday at 8 o'clock, give them 10 minutes. I went out there, did my set, bombed, and was driving home over a huge bridge. I don't know what bridge it was that goes out there, but many a comic is probably driven to his death off of that bridge, because I was just driving by and it was raining, it was like 10.30 at night, and I just got done bombing, and it was basically time to go back to my buddy Zeb's pack up and drive back to LA.

8:53🔗 Drew You were putting your hand out to hit the windshield wiper to snap them back across the bridge.

8:57🔗 Adam I was thinking, I should just drive off the bridge now.

9:00🔗 Caller You know what? I had to follow you and I did drive off that bridge.

9:03🔗 Guest You did drive off?

9:04🔗 Caller It was just, I survived.

9:05🔗 Drew Is that the one where there was a tape recording on your tape machine, that was like a friend's tape machine about how much you sucked?

9:12🔗 Adam No, no, but thanks for bringing that up.

9:15🔗 Caller Oh, so there's evidence, there's hard evidence out there?

9:17🔗 Adam That was the first time I ever did stand up. When I was done doing the open mic, this was a couple of years earlier, I went back with this girlfriend of mine, I went back to her house and she was checking her messages and she lived with her sister. And the phone machine had recorded the whole conversation that her sister had when she picked up an hour earlier. So it's like the phone rang and you hear, remember those old answering machines? Someone would pick up the phone and go, no, no, no, I'm here, I'm here. And then the whole conversation re-recorded. Well, the conversation wants something like this. What did you do tonight? I went to see Adam do stand up. Oh, yeah, I was going to go. I couldn't make it. How was he? Don't ask. He was horrible. And I just stood there over the phone machine listening to this brutally honest. Yet I couldn't even, you know, sometimes when people... Can't fault them. Yeah. You know, when people attack you, oh, it's just sour grapes. You wish you had the guts or, you know. Now, she didn't know me. We had no history. She liked me. She was like, don't tell Adam I said this, but boy, did he suck.

10:25🔗 Caller I just picture you turning away from the machine like ironized Cody with a little tear, just kind of going down your eye.

10:30🔗 Adam It was running down my leg, but it was the same effect.

10:33🔗 Guest I was watching a friend eat it one time. He was on stage just chewing it. And so I called his answering machine and then held the phone up. So when he got home, there was 10 minutes of him just having a miserable time. That's great.

10:48🔗 Caller We had to relive it. No escape.

10:52🔗 Adam Joe?

10:53🔗 Yes.

10:54🔗 Adam You're 23. What's up?

10:56🔗 Caller Yeah, man. I was just wondering. I'm, you know, 23 years old and I already went through puberty and all that stuff. I still have wet dreams, like, I mean, two this week already, sexually active, at least once a week. So I know it's not like from buildup or anything like that. I'm just wondering. I'm in college. I got a roommate that's in my room. I just know one day he's going to wake up and I'll be humping the bed or something. I don't get it.

11:20🔗 Drew Maybe either release more than once a week.

11:22🔗 Caller Hold on.

11:22🔗 Adam What kind of college? Like a Basin College or not a regular college?

11:27🔗 Caller It's a regular college, I mean.

11:29🔗 Drew UT?

11:30🔗 Caller Yeah.

11:30🔗 Adam Really?

11:31🔗 Caller Yeah.

11:32🔗 Adam I guess you could, if you're from Texas, sound that way and go to college.

11:35🔗 Caller Are you saying I have an accent?

11:38🔗 Adam Yeah. But it's more of just sort of a dumb country, not really another country.

11:45🔗 Caller What kind of wet dreams are you having while you're humping the bed? Are you like sleepwalking?

11:49🔗 Caller I don't know what I do. You know, I just wake up and I got wet pants and I got to go change my boxers out or whatever. So it doesn't matter how many times I have sex a week, it seems like if I wait a few days, there it is again.

12:05🔗 Drew Right. So maybe that's your body saying that more frequent is necessary. Yeah.

12:10🔗 Adam Why don't you just take some of the pressure off yourself before you go to bed by beating one out?

12:16🔗 Drew Right. He's got a guy in bed next to him.

12:18🔗 Guest Even masturbate when you're having sex.

12:20🔗 Adam That's what I do. Yeah. Rub my own nipples.

12:25🔗 Caller Yeah. Oh yeah.

12:26🔗 Adam Hold still. You're confusing me.

12:28🔗 Caller Treating like a DVD with bonus material, man. You know, just add little stuff.

12:32🔗 Adam So, Joe, you're saying you can't beat off because you've got a guy in your room with you?

12:36🔗 Caller Well, I mean, we share a room, but it's not like we're there all the time.

12:41🔗 Adam Right.

12:41🔗 Caller It's just one of those things. Like I said, it doesn't matter how many times. You know, a week, it seems like if I wait a couple days, you know, there it is. Just, you know.

12:50🔗 Adam Right. Listen, that is a bonus, by the way. And as you know, I've often described a wet dream as God giving you a hand job. But that is a pleasurable experience that us as adult males have not experienced in some years. Now, in the position I'm in, I'd pay like 350 bucks for a good wet dream.

13:13🔗 Caller It starts the day off so well. You feel like you woke up already winning. Right.

13:18🔗 Adam Top of the world.

13:19🔗 Caller I'm not saying it feels bad. I'm just saying, you know, and then does it eventually taper off?

13:24🔗 Adam Yes.

13:24🔗 Drew Yes. It does. Your biology settles down and you start...

13:28🔗 Caller Make less and less amounts or...

13:30🔗 Drew You start making less amounts, but more you start engaging in sex more for what your body is asking you to do. You know what I'm saying?

13:37🔗 Adam Meaning...

13:37🔗 Drew More frequently.

13:38🔗 Adam He has a six day a week sack right now, and he only has a two day a week girlfriend.

13:48🔗 Drew Right.

13:48🔗 Adam So eventually his sack will match his lady.

13:51🔗 Drew Right.

13:52🔗 Adam That's what we should all hope. For God willing.

13:54🔗 Caller Your sack match your lady. Isn't that like a Leonard Skinner song?

13:58🔗 Adam Yeah. Catherine. Catherine. Genius. Turn that radio down.

14:08🔗 Drew Here she comes.

14:09🔗 Guest Oh, smarty.

14:10🔗 Caller Oh, boy.

14:11🔗 Drew Three, two, one.

14:12🔗 Caller Here comes the brain trust.

14:16🔗 Adam Really? How long is our delay?

14:17🔗 Drew Six seconds.

14:18🔗 Adam No, I think it's like ten seconds.

14:19🔗 Drew Oh, really? Ten seconds. Oh, we got a few seconds.

14:21🔗 Caller Oh, this is going to be glorious.

14:23🔗 Adam Didn't I yell her name until I turned the radio down about 30 seconds ago? No.

14:28🔗 Drew All right.

14:28🔗 Adam Should we put her back on hold? What's her problem, Drew?

14:31🔗 Drew Here she comes.

14:31🔗 Adam Oh.

14:32🔗 Drew Catherine.

14:35🔗 Adam All right. Listen. What was her problem? Was she raped?

14:38🔗 Drew No.

14:39🔗 Guest Okay.

14:39🔗 Adam Well, then good. I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.

14:42🔗 Drew Whoa.

14:43🔗 Guest She didn't laugh at the word rape. For some reason.

14:46🔗 Adam In the right context.

14:46🔗 Guest Coming out of your mouth. Yeah.

14:48🔗 Caller Laughing at the word rape. All next week, folks. Irvine Improv.

14:51🔗 Adam Aaron.

14:51🔗 What's up?

14:52🔗 Adam You're 15. What's up?

14:54🔗 Caller Adam. I want to give props to the show, man. It's a great show.

14:57🔗 Adam Oh, thanks.

14:58🔗 Caller And I caught Dr. Drew's episode of Oprah. And the author of the Quarterlife Crisis book.

15:05🔗 Yeah.

15:06🔗 Caller I don't know if you recall it, but she referred to the world as one's oyster.

15:09🔗 Drew Oh, did she really?

15:10🔗 Adam Oh, really?

15:10🔗 Caller Yeah.

15:11🔗 That's my line.

15:12🔗 Drew I think she meant to attribute that to Adam, but forgot.

15:15🔗 Adam The world is your oyster. I mean, because that's all the world is. I know I said that in jest. I know I did.

15:22🔗 Drew But now it's being quoted on Oprah now, you see?

15:24🔗 Adam Yeah.

15:26🔗 Caller Because you're an angel. That's why.

15:28🔗 Adam Aaron?

15:29🔗 Caller Yeah.

15:29🔗 Caller I wanted to know what Adam's opinion on, like, those Christian Children's Fund commercials and stuff was, like how he felt about it.

15:37🔗 Drew What are they?

15:39🔗 Caller The commercial is you see from time to time and you see like some, you know, kid from Paraguay walking down some train tracks. He's deprived and hadn't been fed in a couple of days and stuff. And they're asking you to send 75 cents.

15:51🔗 Adam Yeah.

15:51🔗 Guest They have a child's life.

15:52🔗 Caller Sort of like adopt a kid overseas.

15:54🔗 Adam Yeah. I never send any money, but it always makes me hungry. So I always head into the kitchen.

15:59🔗 Guest I think they're hilarious.

16:00🔗 Adam It reminds me. Those are funny. It's good entertainment.

16:03🔗 Caller I got to work on my ads.

16:04🔗 Guest It's a funny campaign.

16:06🔗 Drew Why do you have here? I mean, what are you getting at?

16:10🔗 Guest I just felt a rant coming on. I don't know.

16:12🔗 Adam Well, listen, I'm all for helping people in need. I mean, not me personally, but those who do. My hat's off to them. You're talking about the guy with the beard who...

16:24🔗 Drew Sally Struthers?

16:26🔗 Adam Oh, is that a woman? I thought it was a guy. Are you talking about the guy with the beard who's bald, who walks around and talks about what these kids need?

16:33🔗 Guest It's always a different guy, but it's always the same organization.

16:36🔗 Adam Right. He's got the sandals.

16:38🔗 Guest Yeah.

16:39🔗 Adam Yeah.

16:40🔗 Guest I always feel uncomfortable and feel I have to change the channel, though.

16:42🔗 Adam Well, what would your rant be if you were me, Aaron?

16:46🔗 Caller I really don't know.

16:47🔗 Adam Okay.

16:47🔗 Caller I was hoping to get some humor out of it.

16:49🔗 Adam All right.

16:49🔗 Guest Yeah. Well, you usually have to stop masturbating and then...

16:53🔗 Drew Yeah, but just... Speaking of...

16:57🔗 Guest Or start.

16:57🔗 Drew You guys opened this discussion talking about how everybody thought they're funny. Here's an Aaron who thinks that the starving children is a great source for a rant and funny humor.

17:06🔗 Caller I just want to talk to Adam. Cancer.

17:08🔗 Drew Go. What's wrong with it?

17:10🔗 Caller Good answer. What do you think, man?

17:11🔗 Adam Let me tell you, I've had an ass full of these cancer patients.

17:16🔗 Caller Hey, guys, she's going off about cancer.

17:17🔗 Guest Come here, man.

17:18🔗 Caller Turn the radio down.

17:19🔗 Guest I got your chemo right here.

17:21🔗 Caller Right here, brother. Oh, he's bald, man.

17:24🔗 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Hair falling out. Good. You're all Sinead O'Connor. She's a hot piece of ass.

17:30🔗 Caller Thanks, Adam. White snake rules.

17:32🔗 Adam Wait, what happens when Sinead gets cancer? Does she grow hair or what?

17:38🔗 Guest Brilliant.

17:40🔗 Adam Yeah, I'm going to be doing a rant on the Holocaust at 11. You guys want to tune in. Hey, Catherine.

17:49🔗 Yes.

17:49🔗 Adam Are you back at the phone now?

17:52🔗 Yes.

17:52🔗 Adam All right. What's up?

17:56🔗 All my friends have been saying that they've been having orgasms and I try and I try and I cannot have one.

18:02🔗 Caller Let me handle this. All right, Catherine, I know exactly how you feel. I don't know what is going on with me. I, you know, it's, you just have to trust yourself, I think. And you ever listen to Gordon Lightfoot albums?

18:18🔗 Adam Yeah.

18:19🔗 Caller I'm going to fall asleep now.

18:20🔗 Adam You know the wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald, Catherine?

18:23🔗 I think so.

18:24🔗 Adam Yeah. A lot of good men, a lot of good men went down on that Edmund Fitzgerald.

18:28🔗 Drew It's good that you're trying Catherine, but I bet not all of your friends are saying this because it's actually unusual, not unusual, but not everyone is able to do that at 16.

18:36🔗 Adam Are they, are you saying you can't achieve one through masturbation or through sex?

18:42🔗 I can't.

18:43🔗 Drew Either way.

18:43🔗 I just know. No, not either way. Well, like, because my mom told me that girls can start having orgasms when they start their periods, and we all started our periods like back when we were in elementary school because like all the women in my family did.

18:56🔗 Drew Yeah, but listen, no Catherine, the deal is that most women don't really have an orgasm in their teens. And somewhere in the 20s, they'll most of the time...

19:05🔗 Adam Well, if you give them a pony, I think they do.

19:07🔗 Drew No, they don't. And most will start, will have it with oral sex after that, and then only very, actually a very small percentage actually have it with intercourse. Really? Yeah. And so it's something that, it's a biology that develops differently than the male. It's something that actually needs, believe it or not, your brain function to afford to occur. It's not just a spinal reflex. And it tends to, for some women, occur more readily when you are sort of able to achieve a sense of intimacy, a chance of closeness.

19:34🔗 Adam You have a boyfriend?

19:36🔗 Yes, I do. We've been way out for a year.

19:39🔗 Adam Are you having sex?

19:40🔗 Oh, yeah.

19:41🔗 Guest Sweet. That's awesome.

19:43🔗 Adam How old is he?

19:44🔗 He's 16.

19:45🔗 Adam Are you faking it?

19:47🔗 No, he knows that I've never had one.

19:49🔗 Drew Are you using condoms?

19:51🔗 Sometimes.

19:52🔗 Adam Oh, okay.

19:52🔗 Drew What do you do the rest of the time?

19:54🔗 I'm sorry?

19:54🔗 Drew What are you doing for birth control otherwise?

19:56🔗 Guest Make a wish.

19:57🔗 I'm on the depot. I've been on it for about two years.

20:00🔗 Drew You know, the depot may be helping prevent you too. The depot can make it more difficult and can decrease your libido and things.

20:07🔗 Adam Does he do the oral sex thing?

20:09🔗 Oh, yeah.

20:10🔗 Adam And nothing there, huh?

20:12🔗 No.

20:13🔗 Adam I think, you know.

20:15🔗 It doesn't feel as good as when we have sex, though.

20:18🔗 Adam Oh, wow. That's a keeper there.

20:20🔗 Caller Where were you when I was 21?

20:26🔗 Adam He was on the road last week. That's when he needed her. Hey, Katherine? What if you work things out for yourself? You ever try that?

20:35🔗 Yeah, I try, but I do it for about 15, 20 minutes, and then I get tired.

20:40🔗 Guest It gets boring, right? Yeah.

20:42🔗 Adam Me too. I go 15, 20 minutes, come nine times, and then I get bored. That's my technique right there.

20:47🔗 Caller And then you get off the bus.

20:48🔗 Adam I pull a calf muscle, and it's time to hang it up.

20:53🔗 Caller Get off the chin-up bar.

20:55🔗 Adam Hey, listen, you're not ready.

20:58🔗 Drew You're going to figure it out. Just relax. Are you in love with your boyfriend?

21:03🔗 Yes, I am, very much.

21:04🔗 Drew Go figure it out.

21:05🔗 Adam All right, she'll be fine. Geez, what a gig we have, talking to 16-year-old girls. Honey, do you diddle yourself? I see.

21:13🔗 Guest A vibrator?

21:14🔗 Adam No. Dildo is not a vibrator.

21:19🔗 Drew Is your 14-and-a-half-year-old boyfriend performing oral sex on you?

21:21🔗 Adam I see. And his technique, would that be around the world or the carpet bombing? Which one is that? I see.

21:29🔗 Caller You'll find the key, Princess. Happy Flag Day.

21:33🔗 Adam Tara?

21:34🔗 Yes?

21:35🔗 Adam You're 18. What's up?

21:37🔗 Caller Well, a couple months ago, this guy was finger-banging me. And he hit this spot.

21:44🔗 Caller Been there.

21:45🔗 Caller Huh?

21:45🔗 Adam Yeah. He hit some.

21:47🔗 Guest Go on. You were finger-banging. Go.

21:49🔗 Caller And I assumed that it was my G-spot because it was just like, whoa, my gosh. And I want to find it on my own endeavors and I can't find it. So I was wondering if you could tell me some instructions, what it feels like.

22:01🔗 Drew What it feels like?

22:02🔗 Guest It's in your vagina.

22:03🔗 Caller Yeah.

22:04🔗 Drew We don't know what it feels like, but it's what it feels like to the touch.

22:08🔗 Yeah.

22:09🔗 Drew It's, hmm, awesome.

22:12🔗 Caller It's between the F and H spot.

22:15🔗 Drew Yeah, it's about knuckle depth and push up, push forward just above and behind the pubic bone.

22:23🔗 Caller Because I don't know if I'm not at the right angle, if I'm not pushing hard enough or what.

22:27🔗 Caller You need to be hanging upside down. Are you doing that?

22:30🔗 Adam Are you inverted, honey?

22:31🔗 Caller Yeah. Chin up bar?

22:34🔗 Adam No.

22:35🔗 Caller Gravity boots.

22:36🔗 Adam Did you say this was you? Oh, this was your boyfriend looking for him?

22:39🔗 Caller No, my boyfriend is actually my friend's boyfriend.

22:42🔗 Adam Oh.

22:42🔗 Caller Oh, how tall dream.

22:45🔗 Adam I see. And where's Keys up there? Was it you guys having a sexual endeavor? I mean, you guys screwing around on your best friend?

22:56🔗 Guest Clearly. Yes.

22:57🔗 Drew Yeah, Adam, use your, I mean.

22:59🔗 Caller It would help the relationship have your boyfriend's friend show him where he hid it, and that will bring you all closer together.

23:08🔗 Drew Are you screwing around what he tripped and fell into her vagina? What do you mean?

23:11🔗 Adam No, I mean, it was rhetorical. I'm just trying to, I'm trying to.

23:14🔗 Guest That happens a lot. You should know as a doctor that that happens.

23:17🔗 Adam Well, you never run with your fingers extended. I was told that. Always point the fingers down when you run.

23:22🔗 Caller It was a planned thing, kind of.

23:24🔗 Drew It was a planned thing?

23:25🔗 Caller Yeah.

23:26🔗 Adam Hey, what's finger bang?

23:27🔗 Guest On Thursday.

23:28🔗 Adam Yeah.

23:29🔗 Caller Get your hand spring out.

23:31🔗 Adam Hold on. Let me check my book. I got corn holing with art, stew on Thursday. Pencil in for Friday?

23:39🔗 Caller Finger bag?

23:41🔗 Guest Tea bagging on Friday.

23:45🔗 Adam Tea bagging. Well, that puts me into the middle of the next week because Monday, Tuesday, I got a 69 and then a standing wheel barrel on Tuesday. I'm getting into the rattan spinning sex chair on Thursday, at least Wednesday next week for Finger Banging. Is that good?

24:06🔗 Caller After 9, I got to watch Christopher Lovel and then Free From Ten On.

24:10🔗 Adam Okay.

24:13🔗 Caller Yeah?

24:15🔗 Caller Did we nail it? Is that exactly what happened?

24:17🔗 Guest Is that your life?

24:18🔗 Caller Did we just strum your fate with our fingers?

24:19🔗 Drew Tara, maybe you can't be reached with your hand. Maybe you need like a, you know, something else to help you. You know what I'm saying?

24:26🔗 Caller Pogo stick.

24:27🔗 Adam Oh, why don't, why don't you, do you like this guy?

24:30🔗 Caller Um, well actually he's a jerk. I'm not seeing him anymore.

24:34🔗 Drew Why didn't you break up with your boyfriend?

24:35🔗 Guest But he's awesome at Finger Banging.

24:36🔗 Caller Yeah, he's sick. No, actually, he sucked at it.

24:39🔗 Drew He sucked at it.

24:39🔗 Guest He sucked at it, but yet, but he found your G-spot. That's awesome, right? No, he was a little idiot.

24:43🔗 Caller It was by accident because he didn't hit it again.

24:45🔗 Adam What's this?

24:46🔗 Caller So he's like the Forrest Gump of Finger Bangers then.

24:49🔗 Guest Right.

24:50🔗 Adam Well, he's like Christopher Columbus.

24:51🔗 Guest Yeah.

24:51🔗 Adam He thought he was looking for India. That's what he was looking for.

24:57🔗 Guest He was just trying to Finger Bang somebody.

24:59🔗 Adam All right, Terry. One thing I'm confused about. Do you have a boyfriend? No.

25:03🔗 Caller I feel like if I ever had a boyfriend, and guys usually don't pay attention to me, I don't know why. Why? I don't know.

25:09🔗 Drew Well, this one guy obviously didn't. Yeah.

25:10🔗 Caller It's not like I'm ugly or anything. They just like ignore me, and he starts flirting with me, and...

25:15🔗 Drew You're fat.

25:15🔗 Adam Drew, please.

25:16🔗 Caller No, I'm not.

25:17🔗 Adam You, Tara, listen, you're beautiful. All right? I don't care what Drew says. You are beautiful. We're all God's creatures. And I want you to...

25:28🔗 Guest I didn't see his mouth move.

25:29🔗 Drew I was going to say, play that again so you can prove to these guys that wasn't me. Anderson, come on.

25:35🔗 Adam Have some respect for yourself, Tara.

25:37🔗 Guest You're fat.

25:38🔗 Caller No, I'm not.

25:39🔗 Guest No, that was the tape of Drew.

25:42🔗 Caller I'm 5'5 and I weigh 120, I swear.

25:44🔗 Adam You're very beautiful. You don't need to do this. Drew, please, find yourself a guy, okay, who doesn't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I should say.

25:53🔗 Caller And who has fingers.

25:54🔗 Drew All right.

25:56🔗 Guest I can do it. They can do it. You can do it.

25:58🔗 Drew Christopher Lowell.

26:00🔗 Guest Ow!

26:01🔗 Adam Drew, do you remember the first time I spotted Christopher Lowell?

26:05🔗 Drew He ran out of...

26:06🔗 Adam And by the way, there's a lot of people jumping on the Christopher Lowell. I was going to say bandwagon. It's more of a calliope. I mean, it's crazy. It's carousel. But how long ago did I spot him?

26:16🔗 Drew Two years ago, we were in Iowa. Drake University.

26:21🔗 Caller Right.

26:21🔗 Drew And he ran out of his hotel room in like a towel.

26:25🔗 Adam And he started banging on the door.

26:27🔗 Drew You've got to see this guy. The gayest man in America is on TV.

26:29🔗 Caller I don't even know.

26:30🔗 Drew I don't know.

26:31🔗 Adam Oh, you've got to see him.

26:32🔗 Caller He's on like the Discovery Channel or something. And he does like cow stuff.

26:36🔗 Guest He's the gayest man.

26:39🔗 Caller He's a gay singularity. He has the power of ten gay men. That is how gay he is.

26:44🔗 Adam That's right. He could hold his own gay train.

26:48🔗 Caller Even the people from, like the pink triangle, are like, dude, butch it up a little.

26:51🔗 Adam I mean, seriously.

26:53🔗 Caller Wow.

26:53🔗 Adam Folks from Act Up are like, please.

26:55🔗 Caller You're going to mint yourself off the planet.

26:57🔗 Guest Get down a little.

26:59🔗 Adam One more time, Anderson. Play that, please. So listen to this.

27:02🔗 Guest Look for the areas. Fill that space. All right? The whole idea about creating focal points in your room is GMI trained for those little details. It's those little details that make the home yours.

27:15🔗 Adam All right.

27:15🔗 Caller He's a wood nymph. Someone captured a wood nymph in a bottle and they gave him a show on TV.

27:21🔗 Adam We are going to take ourselves a little break and when we come back, more of us than you.

27:28🔗 Caller LoveLine with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

27:41🔗 Adam I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. And next week, Dave Navarro will be in here. Pennywise, holy Christ. 311 and 741 are gonna be in here.

27:54🔗 Drew What the hell's the matter with us?

27:55🔗 Adam Hold on, Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn are both here. Tonight.

28:02🔗 Caller That was Brian.

28:03🔗 Guest What's wrong with Pennywise?

28:04🔗 Adam Brian from Just Shoot Me. What?

28:06🔗 Drew Maybe we had a play on the Pennywise tape with the original Pennywise.

28:10🔗 Adam Okay.

28:10🔗 Drew Yeah. You got that, Anderson?

28:11🔗 Guest Okay, go ahead. Here it is.

28:13🔗 Listen.

28:59🔗 Drew That was him leaning over me, vomiting.

29:01🔗 Guest I don't even hear you guys. That's it.

29:04🔗 Drew You were running while this 6'8 monster.

29:06🔗 Adam I was not even on the show back then, and I'm mortified. That was like a year before I got on this show.

29:13🔗 Guest Were they boozed up? Can they not handle their liquor?

29:15🔗 Drew He was just sitting there. All of a sudden, he puked across the console, and then he got up and started chasing people around vomiting on them.

29:23🔗 Adam Now, Fletcher goes 6'8, 3'75.

29:27🔗 Guest Yeah. Wow.

29:29🔗 Drew Hand cover Adam's back. What did you say? Yeah.

29:33🔗 Guest He could palm.

29:36🔗 Adam Yes. He could do a lot of palming.

29:37🔗 Drew And he's all hair. He looks really like some sort of abominable snowman.

29:41🔗 Caller He's not the guy you want to have finger-bang you.

29:44🔗 Adam What?

29:44🔗 Caller Well, I'm trying to link to the first...

29:47🔗 Guest Oh, no. You're good at calling back.

29:49🔗 Caller He came back.

29:50🔗 Drew He came back making a man's last time and said this will never happen again. And then he proceeded to get loaded again. And do we have any tape of that? Oh, no.

29:59🔗 Adam No. That one, I mean, I don't know why we don't have... You know why we don't tape of that? Because we just shut down the microphones and called the cops, I think.

30:07🔗 Guest Yeah.

30:08🔗 Drew They start discussing going to Poo-Poo City. And then he barricaded at the door, beat the crap out of his own security, and we had to call the SWAT team in.

30:19🔗 Guest I think that is where you take it next after you vomit. Then it's got to go to number two land. Yeah. You got to bring out the fecal.

30:27🔗 Adam Well, as performers, you guys know.

30:29🔗 Guest Well, yeah, yeah, that's...

30:31🔗 Adam You got to go somewhere.

30:32🔗 Guest That's my go-to. Yeah, after I vomited on the crowd. Yeah.

30:36🔗 Adam Right, so now...

30:36🔗 Caller When I vomit, I've got five.

30:39🔗 Guest You don't need to give me the light after I've thrown up.

30:42🔗 Adam They'll be back on Monday. I don't know why we're having them back, but we love...

30:47🔗 Caller Because he has a new colostomy bag.

30:49🔗 Adam We love the listeners, that's why. All right, Brian and Patton are both going to be at the Irvine Improv, which is at the Irvine Spectrum, and that's coming up this weekend, the 20th. Next week.

31:01🔗 Caller Yeah, next week, Wednesday through...

31:03🔗 Adam 20th through the 24th.

31:04🔗 Caller Right.

31:05🔗 Adam Two shows Friday night, three shows Saturday night. Holy Christ, three shows.

31:09🔗 Guest Yeah, Saturday night, so... Yeah, it's going to be awesome. It's that third show. Oh, not fun.

31:16🔗 Adam Angel?

31:17🔗 Caller Hey.

31:18🔗 Adam You're 16?

31:19🔗 Caller Yeah.

31:20🔗 Adam What's up?

31:21🔗 Caller I've got these weird bumps, like, on the inside of my vaginal lips.

31:25🔗 Caller I see.

31:25🔗 Caller I know. I just noticed them tonight while I was listening to your show.

31:29🔗 Drew Are they symmetrical?

31:31🔗 Um, I mean, they're on both sides.

31:34🔗 Drew And it's sort of little tiny bumps?

31:36🔗 Yeah.

31:36🔗 Caller I can't see them.

31:37🔗 Caller I'm seeing the sign of a pentagram.

31:38🔗 Drew That can be normal. That can be normal, Angel.

31:41🔗 Okay.

31:41🔗 Caller They get, like, super thick, like, right above my clitoris.

31:45🔗 Drew Thick?

31:46🔗 Like, I mean, more of them, and they're, like, bigger.

31:49🔗 Drew Yeah. I think it's fine.

31:50🔗 Adam Why? What do you think that is?

31:51🔗 Drew I was just questioning.

31:52🔗 Caller How is that fine?

31:53🔗 Drew It's a follicle, probably.

31:54🔗 Like, I used to have, like, warts on my fingers, so.

31:58🔗 I don't know.

31:58🔗 Guest Were you finger-painting?

32:02🔗 Adam How did you find that on yourself there, Angel?

32:05🔗 Um, yeah.

32:06🔗 I was masturbating earlier.

32:08🔗 Guest Sweet.

32:09🔗 I was listening, because you guys are on tape delay.

32:14🔗 Adam All right. All right.

32:14🔗 Caller I guess you're a big King of Queens fan.

32:17🔗 Adam What?

32:18🔗 Caller What? I'm just, you know.

32:19🔗 Adam How's everything going there, Angel?

32:21🔗 Caller I'm fine. I'm kind of excited to be talking to you guys.

32:24🔗 Adam Oh, good.

32:25🔗 Caller I love your show.

32:25🔗 Adam You have a boyfriend? No.

32:29🔗 No.

32:29🔗 Adam All right. All right. So you just masturbating?

32:32🔗 Yeah.

32:32🔗 Adam Be careful. Is your name really Angel?

32:37🔗 No.

32:37🔗 Adam Okay, good. You know, I have a theory about the girls named Angel.

32:41🔗 Guest Yeah, they're teenage prostitutes.

32:43🔗 Caller Prostitute by night and honor student by day.

32:45🔗 Guest Honor student by day.

32:46🔗 Caller That's right. Come on.

32:48🔗 Guest Yeah, they're from a bad 80s movie. Every girl named Angel is a whore who's trying to go through.

32:53🔗 Caller Or they're a gang leader on Hill Street Blues.

32:55🔗 Guest Yes.

32:55🔗 Adam You know what you don't hear so much about anymore on TV or movies is by day, by night.

33:01🔗 Guest Yeah, exactly.

33:02🔗 Adam People seem to do the same thing throughout the course of the day now and into the night.

33:07🔗 Guest If you're a whore by day, you're usually a whore by night.

33:09🔗 Caller Yeah, that's true.

33:10🔗 Guest That's the way it works now.

33:11🔗 Adam You go to bed a whore, you wake up a whore. You don't wake up an honor roll student.

33:14🔗 Caller You don't go, oh, I'm off shift right now. I'm an honor student. I can't.

33:17🔗 Adam That's right.

33:18🔗 Caller Yeah.

33:18🔗 Adam I'll take some SATs.

33:20🔗 Caller What is it?

33:20🔗 Adam Five o'clock? Got to blow this John.

33:22🔗 Caller Yeah, exactly. Once I finish this flow bear, then I'm going to be a goblin. What? I'm just, you know.

33:30🔗 Adam Suzanne?

33:31🔗 Oh, hello.

33:31🔗 Adam You're 16. What's up?

33:33🔗 Caller Yeah. Hi. First, I just want to say that the phone scan is really, really cool. I really like them.

33:38🔗 Drew 16.

33:40🔗 Caller And I don't know if you guys remember, but I called like a couple months ago when that motocross guy was on and like I said, your name was on my shoes.

33:49🔗 Adam Oh, right. Right.

33:50🔗 Caller I was the original person and then like everybody started calling me.

33:53🔗 Adam Yeah. A lot of posers put my name on their shoes, but Suzanne's the original.

33:58🔗 Drew Did we gamble on you, Suzanne?

33:59🔗 Caller No, you didn't.

34:00🔗 Drew Okay.

34:00🔗 Adam Yeah.

34:00🔗 Caller Any bumps or anything?

34:03🔗 No.

34:04🔗 Caller Well, today is my mom's birthday and we went out to dinner and I don't really get along with my parents that well. And we got my, oh, God, I got into a big argument with my dad. And I told them, my dad, that I needed counseling. I wanted to talk to a psychiatrist or a psychologist or something.

34:22🔗 Drew Good.

34:22🔗 Caller Because I don't think my parents really understand me and I just felt like I needed to talk to them. I don't think I'm crazy or anything. Right.

34:28🔗 Drew You just want some help. Yeah.

34:29🔗 Caller I just felt I needed somebody to talk to and who would understand me and stuff.

34:32🔗 Guest You're insane. Sounds crazy to me. I'm kidding.

34:36🔗 Drew Do you have insurance?

34:38🔗 Caller Yeah. My dad just thinks it's like a waste of money.

34:42🔗 Drew Well, if you have insurance, that should cover at least a few visits.

34:44🔗 Caller Does it? Yeah. Okay. Because I don't know. My parents are like kind of like, my mom is really, really intrusive and like overbearing.

34:53🔗 Adam Yeah. Do you have a eating disorder?

34:55🔗 Caller No, I don't. I'm surprised. She's like crazy. She like reads my diary and like searches my room and stuff. And like she picks out my friends. Like, okay, I have like a friend who has like lots of acne. And my mom was convinced he did drugs just because like he had acne because she read somewhere if you have like acne, you do drugs or something like that.

35:14🔗 Drew Oh, really? Wow. Yeah.

35:16🔗 Caller Like, I don't know, something like that. And like they always lecture me and like criticize me and stuff. And then like if I say something like that they do wrong, they like freak out about it.

35:24🔗 Drew Well, clearly they sort of see you as some sort of projection of themselves, extension of themselves. So anything that is wrong with you makes them feel like they're ashamed. And there's something wrong with them.

35:34🔗 Caller Yeah, they always say I'm making them look bad.

35:37🔗 Drew Yes, that's bad. That's not good. That's not your responsibility.

35:39🔗 Caller It's like they won't let me put a lock on my door because like my mom said, we need to know what's going on in there.

35:44🔗 Drew That's not such a bad impulse.

35:45🔗 Adam But why not?

35:47🔗 Guest Why not buy a camera that could?

35:51🔗 Caller Okay, like I get bad grades because I guess I just kind of start like trying. Like I don't really care anymore.

35:56🔗 Adam Well, maybe you're dumb. Don't be hard on yourself.

35:58🔗 Drew You sound depressed and you sound like you've got a situation with your parents, which is not healthy.

36:02🔗 Caller Okay, like my dad always told me like I never like make them happy and stuff because I get bad grades.

36:08🔗 Guest All right.

36:09🔗 Adam Listen, Suzanne.

36:10🔗 Guest I hate your dad.

36:11🔗 Adam Yeah, I don't like him and I don't like your mom. The good news is they deserve each other. But here's what you got to do. You got to do what I did with my family. I wrote them off on my 11th birthday. I realized they were just worthless sacks. And I stopped caring. You need to stop caring about them and what they think of you and all of that.

36:28🔗 Drew She's so trampled by them that she has not enough support to get a clear sense of herself to move away from them. I don't mean physically move away. I mean emotionally to depart.

36:38🔗 Caller I don't want you guys to think they're like evil. Like I really respect my dad. Like he's like a really smart guy. And like we came from another country. So like I think that's part of it. Like we're from Russia. So they're kind of like really old fashioned, you know?

36:50🔗 Guest Russians are the worst. Horrible, horrible, horrible people.

36:53🔗 Drew But that's sort of a common...

36:55🔗 Caller Didn't you see Red Heat?

36:56🔗 Drew It's also a common story in this country where people come from old countries and want to sort of maintain the values and the parenting style of that country when the children are living in a different culture.

37:05🔗 Caller Yeah, like I always tell my mom, I'm like, you know, why did you come to like... It's just horrible.

37:09🔗 Caller All right. You know you say USA right or wrong, pinkos.

37:12🔗 Guest Hey mom and dad, go back to Russia if you don't like my bedroom. If you don't like what I do in my own room.

37:18🔗 Caller These colors don't run. That's what you say to them.

37:20🔗 Adam That's right.

37:21🔗 Guest Don't tread on me mom or dad.

37:23🔗 Adam Remind them about the US hockey team victory in the 1980 Olympics.

37:28🔗 Caller My parents know that I listen to you guys. And I told them like, cause we went out to dinner and I'm like, well, if I call Loveline and Dr. Drew says that I like, you know, I need like counseling or something, will you like... Cause my dad just thinks it's like dumb.

37:39🔗 Adam All right. Tell them Drew said...

37:41🔗 Caller Tell them, yeah.

37:41🔗 Caller I'm recording it.

37:42🔗 Adam All right. Tell them Drew said that.

37:44🔗 Drew And then cut it together. It certainly seems reasonable for you to have an evaluation, right? Doesn't mean you have to have therapy for a long period of time. You need to see if there's something that needs to be done. You sounded happy and perhaps you tell your dad that maybe the grades dropping out are because you're depressed.

38:00🔗 Guest Wait, are you bored with school?

38:02🔗 Adam I got words for dad. Hey, hey, Boris.

38:05🔗 Guest Listen up.

38:06🔗 Adam This is a citizen of the United States. The greatest country in the world. Let me say this. Pinkos are stinkos.

38:16🔗 Guest Exactly.

38:16🔗 Caller You got that mom-ski and dad-ski?

38:19🔗 Caller Yeah.

38:20🔗 Adam Alright, let's take a break, boys. Let's go out and urinate in the parking lot without fear of persecution. Let's smoke a cigarette in the halls and breathe that nicotine and free American air. Let's go to the vending machine where we can get ourselves some world-class snacks for under a dollar.

38:38🔗 Guest And not have to wait for two days.

38:40🔗 Exactly.

38:41🔗 Adam Hey, you guys want to swing by the all-night supermarket and buy some fresh meat on the way home?

38:46🔗 Caller Hey, why not? How about some toilet paper, too?

38:48🔗 Adam Fantastic.

38:49🔗 Guest I can get it right away?

38:50🔗 Caller Yep.

38:51🔗 Guest That is awesome.

38:52🔗 Caller Oh, what's this country's name?

38:55🔗 Guest America?

38:56🔗 Caller Well, I'm staying.

38:58🔗 Adam Alright, boys, we will be back. Hey, everybody. Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla. It's Dr. Drew over there. David Navarro, Pennywise, 311, Sum 41. Next week, Brian Posehn is here along with Patton Oswalt. They can be found at the Irvine Improv, at the Irvine Spectrum. That would be the 20th through the 24th. What's the 20th? That's Friday?

39:28🔗 Caller So Wednesday.

39:29🔗 Adam Oh, Wednesday.

39:30🔗 Caller You know, can I mention I'll also be at the Largo on Monday the 18th?

39:34🔗 Guest Is that Cafe Largo?

39:36🔗 Caller In LA. Cafe Largo on Fairfax.

39:38🔗 Guest Right.

39:40🔗 Caller The alternative Monday night show.

39:42🔗 Adam Is that where guys don't tell jokes?

39:44🔗 Guest No, that's what guys that tell jokes think that happens there.

39:49🔗 Caller The Monday night show is really fun, really awesome. It's a great show every Monday night.

39:55🔗 Adam That's at Largo.

39:56🔗 Caller Please come.

39:57🔗 Adam We will hop back to the phones and speak to Angelo. Angelo?

40:03🔗 Caller Hey, what's up?

40:04🔗 Adam Hey, you're 19. How's it going?

40:06🔗 Caller Hey, Adam, you're a god.

40:07🔗 Adam Well, thanks. Yeah, I know.

40:09🔗 Caller Dr. Drew, you're a genius.

40:10🔗 Drew What's up, Angelo?

40:11🔗 Caller What's going on?

40:11🔗 Caller I'm sitting right here.

40:12🔗 Caller Yeah, hi to the guest wherever I think Brian from the should shoot me, to shoot me, man. It's great.

40:18🔗 Caller It's a great show. Thank you.

40:20🔗 Adam Pat from King of Queens, by the way.

40:22🔗 Caller Yeah, again. I'm crying a little bit now.

40:25🔗 Caller No, okay, Adam, my sister, your name on her shoe, she's 14. She loves you, man.

40:30🔗 Adam Thank her.

40:31🔗 Caller Yeah. And okay, a couple of shows ago, I don't know how long ago, you talk about putting some toothpick, like that cream that numbs your teeth, your gums, it really hurt.

40:44🔗 Adam Oh, like an orogel?

40:45🔗 Caller Yeah, like an orogel and put it on your penis, didn't last longer.

40:49🔗 Drew What?

40:49🔗 Adam Yeah, we were talking about that.

40:51🔗 Drew Not about an orogel, though.

40:52🔗 Adam Well, that was one of my ideas, wasn't it?

40:53🔗 Caller Yeah, so I tried it, it really worked.

40:55🔗 Caller Oh, did?

40:55🔗 Caller Yeah, for those who want to try it.

40:57🔗 Caller Got to go.

40:59🔗 Adam Good news.

41:00🔗 Caller It's kind of weird, though, because I bought this called Ambezole, it's kind of a funny name, A-M-B-E-E-E-Ole. And it has like vensecane, like 20 percent, so it kind of numbed me for 10 minutes and it made me last longer, so it was really cool.

41:14🔗 Drew Well, what I said was that there was a study that using xylocaine jellies has been shown to extend it for some guys.

41:21🔗 Adam Well, yeah, I mean, back in the day, we used to rub coke on there, it was the same, it was primitive, but it was the same effect, sure. So, you numb your penis and that delays ejaculation.

41:30🔗 Caller Yeah, like for 10 minutes, 10 more minutes, you know, I usually last like for 8 minutes.

41:35🔗 Adam Also, I found with the ambisol, the cap is an interesting shape, you can wedge that up your urethra and add another 5 to 10 minutes to orgasm.

41:47🔗 Caller That's how I got into my frat.

41:50🔗 Drew All right, Angel, thanks.

41:52🔗 Caller One more thing.

41:52🔗 Adam Oh, yeah.

41:53🔗 Caller Yeah, you're being mortalized by the word, by the quote, the world is your oyster. I print it out in a computer and a T-shirt, a white T-shirt, and I've been giving out to my friends, the world is your oyster because that's all the world is.

42:07🔗 Adam Thank you.

42:08🔗 Caller Yeah.

42:08🔗 Adam Thank you. You have not seen my likeness in a tortilla, have you?

42:13🔗 Caller No.

42:13🔗 Adam Okay. I just want to see what level he's gotten to with this.

42:16🔗 Caller You know, I've been putting Mr. Pib up my butt and it makes you poo longer, surely because it's not supposed to be up there like directly and your butt's like, whoa, get it out and you just don't stop. It's great. I don't really have a job or nothing and there's no kids around here except me.

42:38🔗 Adam Travis, you're 17.

42:41🔗 Guest Yeah.

42:41🔗 Caller Hey, Adam, dude, you're a god. Man, I would eat a plate of total worms just to meet you, man.

42:48🔗 Guest You rule, dude.

42:49🔗 Caller I think Brian and I got on the show.

42:51🔗 Drew Relax, Travis.

42:52🔗 Caller All right. Sorry.

42:53🔗 Adam All right. What's up?

42:54🔗 Caller Yeah. My girlfriend and I, we've been dating for like four or five years.

43:00🔗 Guest How old?

43:01🔗 Adam I'm 17. How old is she?

43:03🔗 Caller She's 22.

43:04🔗 Guest All right.

43:04🔗 Caller Oh, oh, oh, oh.

43:06🔗 Guest Congrats, man.

43:07🔗 Drew You should see when she was 17 and you were 13.

43:10🔗 Guest Yeah.

43:11🔗 Caller Is she getting your beer?

43:13🔗 Guest Yeah.

43:13🔗 Caller Yes.

43:15🔗 Guest Dude.

43:15🔗 Adam That's great.

43:16🔗 Guest I would eat a plate of total worms to meet you.

43:19🔗 Caller Mr. and Mrs. Robinson.

43:23🔗 Adam That's a score. We kind of wonder what's up with her. More specifically, what's wrong with her.

43:29🔗 Caller When she's 60, you'll be 53.

43:30🔗 Guest Crazy, retarded, both.

43:32🔗 Drew What's up, Travis? What do you want to know from us?

43:34🔗 Caller Well, see, recently, we've been dating five years before her and I even had sex. And see, she was a virgin and I was, of course, a virgin. And when her and I have sex, it tears up her insides. Like she said, it tears up her insides. She bleeds out from her insides itself. Like the tissue on the inside.

43:55🔗 Drew Wait a minute.

43:56🔗 Adam Hey, Trav, hold on, Trav, could you work the word inside in just one more time, please?

44:01🔗 Drew Listen, her bleeding from sex doesn't mean she's being torn up. Many women bleed at sex. It's just the lining of the uterus is a little unstable and there can be some bleeding afterwards. So the bleeding has nothing to do with anything.

44:13🔗 Caller Okay, because she like claims that.

44:14🔗 Adam And when she says, I'm being torn up inside, it may be a metaphor for sleeping with a 17-year-old. You know, it may be an emotional thing.

44:22🔗 Guest And wait, did you guys just start having sex? Is that? I missed.

44:26🔗 Adam Yeah.

44:26🔗 Caller I thought you said you started five years ago.

44:27🔗 Guest You went out for five years?

44:29🔗 Caller Yeah. So you were 12? Yeah.

44:32🔗 Drew Now, did she have a history of sexual abuse or something?

44:36🔗 Caller No. Well, because it's like basically we grew up next to each other. We've like, I've lived next to her since I was like four months old. I've known her dad and I don't ever would, I wouldn't even picture her dad ever doing that.

44:49🔗 Drew Well, not necessarily her dad. Has anybody ever done anything to her?

44:51🔗 Caller No.

44:52🔗 Caller Well, because we live in a small community, so it's like everybody knows everybody.

44:56🔗 Drew So.

44:57🔗 Adam Right. Yeah.

44:58🔗 Drew Those kinds of things never, never any sexual abuse. Not in small towns. No. They have Bakersfield.

45:02🔗 Guest Isn't that where it comes from?

45:03🔗 Drew Yes.

45:04🔗 Guest The small towns. Isn't that where it comes from?

45:06🔗 Caller Yeah, they invented bluegrass, corn whiskey and sexual abuse.

45:10🔗 Adam That's right. And jug plane.

45:13🔗 Drew So, but this business of it being so painful for her is what we're sort of exploring. Is there anything else? Does she lubricate normally?

45:19🔗 Caller Oh, well, that and her ass is the size of an angel's ass.

45:22🔗 Drew Oh, got us.

45:24🔗 Adam Good one. Hey, that was great, Travis. We're just talking to the guys about this.

45:31🔗 Guest I was just asking if a dildo ever called and prank called. And then turns out, you did.

45:37🔗 Caller You got a dildo. I was afraid the show would be dildo free. And yet.

45:41🔗 Drew No, he was good. You know, he had the sense of urgency.

45:44🔗 Caller He earned the kind of slight stutter.

45:46🔗 Guest Seemed a little real.

45:47🔗 Caller Yeah.

45:48🔗 Guest But then his math got thrown off with the. Oh, yeah.

45:51🔗 Caller I was like, 12.

45:52🔗 Guest Went out for five years before they had sex.

45:54🔗 Caller When a 17-year-old girl goes out on the 12th of July.

45:57🔗 Adam Right, right. All right. Hey, good work, Travis.

45:59🔗 Caller Genius.

46:00🔗 Adam We're going to send you out a windbreaker, OK?

46:02🔗 Caller New Albert Brooks.

46:02🔗 Caller Hey, can I get a sign by you, though?

46:04🔗 Adam No.

46:04🔗 Drew Oh, you mean you weren't kidding about the part of him being your idol?

46:07🔗 Caller No, dude.

46:07🔗 Drew Oh, that was the most bogus part of all, I thought.

46:09🔗 Adam Yeah, I didn't believe that.

46:10🔗 Guest That seemed a little flimsy to me. Oh, yeah.

46:12🔗 Adam No. The bogus part of my statement was sending out the windbreaker. We'll do no such thing.

46:19🔗 Guest Wink.

46:19🔗 Adam But we will take ourselves a little break, and when we come back, we'll speak to Justin, whose 13 has a lump on his left nipple. What could it be? After this.

46:31🔗 Guest Loveline, we'll be right back.

46:33🔗 Guest Call on the 1-800-LOVE.

46:38🔗 Adam Hey, everybody. That's our friends, the Colt, who are on here night before last.

46:44🔗 Guest Is that right, Drew?

46:45🔗 Guest Yep.

46:45🔗 Adam That's right. It's Loveline, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Patton Oswalt is here tonight, along with Brian Posehn. They will be found at the Irvine Improv at the Irvine Spectrum. That is the 20th through the 24th. That is Wednesday through Sunday. Yeah. Two shows Friday night, three shows on Saturday night, and Sunday, they commit suicide.

47:14🔗 Caller Exactly.

47:14🔗 Adam On stage. Oh, on stage. Yeah.

47:16🔗 Caller We're going to play Seasons in the Sun, and it'll be really nice. I don't want to spoil the surprises.

47:22🔗 Adam As a headliner, how much time you got to do? An hour?

47:26🔗 Caller Yeah. About 45 minutes an hour.

47:28🔗 Adam Yeah. That's a lot.

47:31🔗 Caller I say that every night.

47:32🔗 Guest It's hard.

47:33🔗 Adam Yeah. Now, obviously, you'll do relatively the same act.

47:42🔗 Caller Relatively, but some nights, it's not going well, and you go to different stuff, or you got to deal with people that are talking to you. Right. Yeah. It's generally the same thing. I don't claim to be that prolific, but I switch it around.

47:55🔗 Adam Doesn't it freak you out, though, when you see the waitress that was at the first show heading up to the table in the front, and you're in the middle of a joke that you said two hours ago?

48:05🔗 Drew Well.

48:06🔗 Adam I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

48:07🔗 Guest It's weird when you're doing three shows, yeah, and you're doing that much time. The third show, you're in the middle of a joke going, did I already tell this?

48:15🔗 Caller I've repeated jokes within the same set sometimes when I had to do, back in the heyday when they would do the three shows a night, you get to that 11.30 show and you would repeat a joke you did five minutes before.

48:25🔗 Drew How do you know you repeated it? Oh, somebody would yell at you.

48:27🔗 Guest Because people would go, you just said that.

48:29🔗 He just repeated it.

48:32🔗 Adam But also.

48:33🔗 Caller And then they'd have sex with their kids.

48:35🔗 Adam The cruel part of the mind is, it's not strong enough to stop you from repeating the joke, but it is powerful enough to catch you about three quarters of the way you're doing the set up and then you keep going.

48:46🔗 Caller Your mind is also cruel enough to, you can literally, at the point, you can just tune out during your own set, and in your mind you're going, I gotta return those videos, I should probably email that one dumb guy. And then you literally come to, in the middle of your own act.

49:01🔗 Adam It's really an amazing thing, and I'm thankful the mind is that way. But I mean, do you remember the first time you drove a car and you're trying to figure out the stick and the clutch and the steering and everything, and now you're on a cell phone and you're smoking and you got a firmus of Kamchatka between your legs and you're yelling at some kids that aren't even yours in the back seat. It's like you dropped a Quailude earlier and it's a Viking and it's not, and you're driving better than you were when you had the full concentration. You're trying to learn it.

49:34🔗 Caller Yeah. Or if you make the same trip every day and you will literally zone out and you'll realize, oh God, I just drove for 10 minutes. I wasn't even right. Did I make these turns? Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, man.

49:44🔗 Adam But I think you have to do it because if you were an airplane pilot or a stand up or you hosted a radio show, your head, your brain would fry if you gave it the same amount of concentration the first time out as you did the 2000th time you did it.

50:01🔗 Caller I'm not making a good account of ourselves. Like, folks, come out next week and watch me ignore you on stage.

50:05🔗 Guest We're going to phone it in next week.

50:06🔗 Adam Folks, watch him sleepwalk right through the set.

50:09🔗 Caller I won't even be present.

50:10🔗 Guest I won't know you're there.

50:12🔗 Caller Try to guess who I'm reminding myself to call while I'm in the middle of my act.

50:16🔗 Adam I'm going to write some new material while you're hearing my old material. Justin?

50:23🔗 Caller Hi.

50:24🔗 Adam You're 13. What's up?

50:26🔗 Caller I have this lump under my left nipple and, like, you can't see it when you're, like, standing in front of it, but it hurts when you press on it, and that's what it could be.

50:34🔗 Drew Well, around your age, the adrenal glands start producing some hormones that cause breast enlargement. Sometimes it's both, sometimes it's one. You smoke a lot of pot, it can get worse or even stay, but it's a normal thing around the beginning of puberty.

50:49🔗 Guest Or it could be a twin that didn't live. You could have a twin inside you, more likely, yeah.

50:54🔗 Caller Or you could be growing a new little head, and then that will take over your body.

50:59🔗 Drew But it's a normal thing at 13, okay, Justin? Probably.

51:03🔗 Guest Are you smoking weed?

51:05🔗 Caller I did a while ago, but I'm not done.

51:07🔗 Guest You mean, like, ten minutes ago?

51:09🔗 Caller No, like, a couple years ago.

51:10🔗 Drew No.

51:11🔗 Guest When you were 11?

51:12🔗 Caller When you were 11.

51:14🔗 Caller Right, I was like, nine.

51:16🔗 Adam Oh, nine.

51:16🔗 Guest Wow.

51:18🔗 Drew Just Robert Downey Jr. in the making.

51:20🔗 Adam You're using the My First Bong, you get over the head shafts, special grip on it for smaller hands.

51:27🔗 Caller Yeah, the Blue's Clues pipe.

51:31🔗 Adam All right, Justin, you're not smoking any more weed, though, right? All right, everybody, I'm glad to see you've cleaned it up. Yeah, this is not the late...

51:39🔗 Guest Oh, it's a gateway, you're on to heroin.

51:41🔗 Adam Yeah, it's not the late 90s anymore. You're not nine. It's time to move on. All righty, let's talk to Anna, who's 19, Anna.

51:52🔗 Caller Anna.

51:53🔗 Adam Sorry.

51:54🔗 Caller We're Hispanic. Whatever.

51:56🔗 Adam All right. Well, let me bring that up, though.

51:59🔗 Caller Are there two of you?

52:00🔗 Guest No, that was the tape. Oh, OK.

52:02🔗 Adam I'm sorry. Isn't Anna the pronunciation more for Hispanic than Anna?

52:08🔗 Caller Uh, I don't know. I don't think so.

52:11🔗 Caller Are you fancy Hispanic?

52:13🔗 Drew How would you pronounce the same? A-N-N-A-M-A-R-I-A.

52:20🔗 Caller Anna Maria.

52:21🔗 Adam Right.

52:22🔗 Caller Right. Anna Maria.

52:24🔗 Adam What's wrong with that?

52:25🔗 Caller That's what I'm asking.

52:26🔗 Adam Oh, she says Anna Maria, not Anna Maria. Interesting. Interesting, Drew. What's up there, Anna?

52:32🔗 Caller Okay. Well, tonight I was driving home from work, and there was this really cute guy in the car next to me, and he looked pretty young, pretty normal, about 27. So he was smiling, and I was smiling at him, and then we pulled over in a parking lot and started talking, and I found out that he was actually 40.

52:51🔗 Drew Wait a minute. How did the pull over in the parking lot part go?

52:55🔗 Caller Well, okay. I was driving home, but then I drove past my house just so that I could pull over and talk to him.

53:04🔗 Drew Did he wave you over to the side?

53:06🔗 Caller No. It was me. I initiated the whole thing.

53:09🔗 Drew Do you pull people off the street and talk to them very often?

53:14🔗 Caller Like sometimes.

53:15🔗 Drew Wow.

53:15🔗 Caller Lazy.

53:16🔗 Adam Yeah.

53:17🔗 Guest You rule.

53:18🔗 Caller How old are you again?

53:19🔗 Guest Where do you live?

53:20🔗 Drew We're going to find you.

53:21🔗 Caller As a guy in his mid-30s, I say go with that. Please support that. We're going to need some loving.

53:27🔗 Guest Tell all your friends.

53:27🔗 Caller He has wisdom he can give you.

53:30🔗 Drew We're going to find you in a shallow grave out there somewhere.

53:32🔗 Caller Yeah.

53:33🔗 Adam Why bother with this internet and all that crap when you can just hit the road and pull guys over?

53:37🔗 Caller Exactly.

53:38🔗 Adam Yeah.

53:38🔗 Caller You got on abandoned highways at 2 a.m.?

53:40🔗 Caller Exactly.

53:41🔗 Caller See who you find.

53:43🔗 Drew You're going to end up somewhere, aren't you?

53:44🔗 Caller I don't know. Well, it was like a public parking lot. And I don't know.

53:48🔗 Drew Well, then it's perfect.

53:49🔗 Caller Yeah.

53:50🔗 Drew All right.

53:50🔗 Adam As long as it wasn't a privately owned parking lot.

53:52🔗 Caller Riders on the stone.

53:54🔗 Adam So so what happened? You found out he was 40.

53:57🔗 Caller I found out he was 40. And then we sat there for about like an hour and a half. And we were just talking. And he actually has a daughter that's like 19 older than me. Oh, and he said that he was like looking for a relationship.

54:10🔗 Guest And I said that, of course, he is.

54:13🔗 Drew Some road has flagged him off the freeway.

54:16🔗 Adam It wouldn't be driving around alone unless you were looking to start something.

54:19🔗 Guest Yeah.

54:19🔗 Caller No, well, he doesn't live in town. He was like, it'd be great.

54:23🔗 Guest I guess most drifters don't live in town. Most drifters. That's why they're called drifters.

54:28🔗 Adam Yeah. You know, it'd be funny, though. Hold on. Like if you were being drift, ended up getting married and people are like, so where did you guys meet? Oh, on the road. And he was like, oh, we're in a band or something.

54:38🔗 Caller Flagged him down.

54:39🔗 Adam No, on the road.

54:41🔗 Caller Yeah.

54:42🔗 Adam All right. So he has a kid.

54:44🔗 Caller He has three kids, three kids. Right. He has two daughters and a son. And he has a daughter and a son that are older than me.

54:52🔗 Drew What happened to his mom?

54:53🔗 Guest So what's your question? I say go for it. Yeah.

54:55🔗 Caller You get to boss around. You get to be their mom. You can boss them around. That'll be awesome.

54:59🔗 Drew Where's his wife?

55:01🔗 Caller What? They're divorced.

55:02🔗 Drew How long?

55:03🔗 Caller They're divorced. They've been divorced for nine years.

55:06🔗 Drew He left her in a parking lot for a 19 year old.

55:09🔗 Adam So, Anna, do you want to yield or merge into oncoming traffic?

55:14🔗 Guest Yeah. What's your question? Yeah.

55:15🔗 Caller What is your question?

55:16🔗 Caller Well, I just kind of wanted, like, y'all's opinion, like what you think, like...

55:20🔗 Y'all's?

55:21🔗 Adam Are you Hispanic?

55:23🔗 Yes.

55:24🔗 Caller Okay.

55:24🔗 Drew He's a loser. I don't even know if I want to get into what's up with her.

55:29🔗 Caller No, okay.

55:29🔗 Caller Although, just for giggles, just introduce him to your folks. That'll be awesome. That's going to be a great moment. You'll never forget it.

55:35🔗 Caller Well, like, my dad is 12 years older than my mom.

55:38🔗 Drew I see.

55:39🔗 Caller All right.

55:40🔗 Adam All right. But listen, hold on, hold on. Why are we...

55:44🔗 Drew You didn't grow up with your dad? No. Why wasn't he?

55:47🔗 Caller He was just like, my parents divorced and I was like...

55:51🔗 Adam Okay, but why are we crucifying this guy? He's driving, a cute chick looks at him. Yeah, you did it. They take glances and then she says...

56:00🔗 Guest You told him to pull over.

56:01🔗 Adam Pull over in a Costco line.

56:02🔗 Caller Yeah.

56:03🔗 Adam Exchange numbers.

56:04🔗 Caller Most guys would look away or get nervous and this guy went, no, Carpe Diem.

56:08🔗 Adam Right.

56:08🔗 Guest Exactly. I'd just drive home and masturbate.

56:13🔗 Adam Right.

56:13🔗 Guest So, all right.

56:14🔗 Caller So, I'm just like wondering...

56:16🔗 Adam Is he going to call you? Does he have your number?

56:18🔗 Caller Yeah. Well, we exchanged numbers. But I don't know. I feel like...

56:22🔗 Caller So, he's courting you.

56:25🔗 Caller I look kind of Icky because he's 40, but I didn't...

56:28🔗 Guest You should feel Icky.

56:30🔗 Caller You just want to use the word Icky and you want to go with a 40-year-old? Come on.

56:33🔗 Adam Yeah.

56:34🔗 Caller No, but I don't look like I'm 19, though. Okay.

56:37🔗 Caller You look like you're 50.

56:38🔗 Adam All right. But what about finding a guy who's closer to your age? Are you having trouble?

56:43🔗 Caller Oh, the guys my age are losers, though.

56:47🔗 Drew What age do you consider?

56:48🔗 Guest Unlike the 40-year-old.

56:49🔗 Drew What age do you consider?

56:50🔗 Adam Cruising the street with the three kids.

56:52🔗 Caller He has a really good job and a really nice car.

56:55🔗 Adam What kind of car? What kind of job?

56:57🔗 Caller He's a lawyer.

56:58🔗 Adam All right.

56:59🔗 Caller And he drives the BMW.

57:01🔗 Adam All right.

57:02🔗 Drew What age do you consider a guy as your age?

57:04🔗 Caller Guys my age are like 18, 19, 20 up until like 23.

57:10🔗 Drew Why would you say 25 year old?

57:12🔗 Caller I don't because I haven't found one. I don't know.

57:15🔗 Guest Get in your car.

57:16🔗 Adam Yeah.

57:18🔗 Guest There is a guy right now.

57:20🔗 Adam Building a gas tank. How old is the guy's son? Maybe you can date him.

57:25🔗 Caller But when I date older guys, I just feel like more secure.

57:29🔗 Guest All right.

57:29🔗 Adam Well, date him. Just don't get pregnant.

57:32🔗 Caller Yeah, because he'll never dump you.

57:33🔗 Guest And don't die. Don't get killed.

57:36🔗 Adam Yeah. The guy's an attorney dressed BMW S3 kids.

57:39🔗 Caller They have really nice trunks, the BMWs. They're there, you know, carpeting.

57:46🔗 Adam And she pulled him over.

57:47🔗 Caller I know.

57:48🔗 Drew He went for it.

57:49🔗 Caller Love, American style.

57:51🔗 Drew That's like Bill Clinton's alibi. Hey, she showed me her G-string. All right, but hold on.

57:55🔗 Adam You know those Mexican broads that wear a ton of clown makeup? They all look like they're off the set of Mucho Helgante. And they all, they're, they can either, let me tell you something, Mexican women, they can either be 17 or 77, but they all look 38. Big rack, big ass, you know. He didn't know. You can't judge the age of a Mexican woman. You cannot.

58:23🔗 Drew But he was told. She told him.

58:26🔗 Guest All right.

58:28🔗 Drew Mucho hergante.

58:32🔗 Guest Allison.

58:35🔗 Adam Allison, you're 19. What's up?

58:39🔗 Caller Me and my ex-boyfriend were dating for about around 18 months. I went with a group of friends to Chicago and all girlfriends. And when I came back like a week later, he was like, maybe we should take a break. And I was like, OK, fine, F him. And when I went back to work, there was a new guy at work and I started getting interested in him. And I don't know if it's because I just was out of a long relationship or I really like him.

59:11🔗 Drew It's a little bit of both.

59:12🔗 Adam All right. So now you got a new guy you like.

59:15🔗 Caller Yeah. And the question is, Should I go for him or keep my guard up?

59:22🔗 Caller Keep your guard up for what?

59:23🔗 Drew How long was the relationship you just got out of?

59:25🔗 Caller Around 18 months.

59:26🔗 Drew 18 months. And how long have you been out?

59:30🔗 Caller Two months.

59:31🔗 Drew Two months is pretty good. It's okay to start dating. Just be careful. That's all. Don't jump into anything. Well, yeah.

59:37🔗 Guest Why? You should always keep your guard up. Yeah. Forever.

59:40🔗 Drew Be careful.

59:40🔗 Adam Have you been chipping with the old guy? Have you been seeing him?

59:44🔗 Guest That's worse for me.

59:45🔗 Caller Excuse me?

59:46🔗 Adam Have you seen the old guy in the two months?

59:49🔗 Caller No.

59:50🔗 Adam No? So it's over?

59:51🔗 Caller Well, we work at the same place. And I want to... I don't want him to think if this guy... Well, if this new guy and I start getting together that if he thinks I'm doing it, just to get back at him.

1:00:04🔗 Adam Well, two months is a long time. He's probably seeing someone by now.

1:00:09🔗 Guest He probably was when he broke up with you. Right. When you came back, well, you were in Chicago. He was like having some sweet girlfriends away, lovin with some other girl.

1:00:18🔗 Caller And that's why he said he wanted to cool off.

1:00:19🔗 Adam Could be. Yeah, yeah.

1:00:21🔗 Guest That's what I'd be doing.

1:00:23🔗 Adam That's a great line. As she goes out of town for two weeks and comes back, it's like, we need some time.

1:00:27🔗 Guest Yeah.

1:00:28🔗 Adam We're lost for the last two weeks. All right. So, Allison, we're giving you the green light to date this guy. Where do you guys work?

1:00:37🔗 Caller I look at a law firm.

1:00:39🔗 Adam All right.

1:00:39🔗 Caller Is he out cruising at night? Is he 40? Is he 40? Do you meet him in a parking lot?

1:00:45🔗 Caller No, I just listened to that one.

1:00:47🔗 Caller Us too.

1:00:48🔗 Adam What's he do?

1:00:50🔗 Caller He's a lawyer.

1:00:51🔗 Adam Oh, really? How old is he?

1:00:53🔗 Caller He's 22.

1:00:54🔗 Adam 22 year old lawyer?

1:00:57🔗 Caller No, I'm the secretary.

1:00:58🔗 Guest No, no, but he's 22 and a lawyer?

1:01:00🔗 Caller He's a 22 year old lawyer?

1:01:01🔗 Caller Yeah, very young.

1:01:02🔗 Guest See the doogie? How old is he?

1:01:03🔗 Caller Yeah, I was about to say.

1:01:05🔗 Adam Yeah, how do you do that?

1:01:07🔗 Caller How do you do it? I'm eight years in college. He must be some weird genius guy.

1:01:12🔗 Adam I mean, you gotta do at least six years, right?

1:01:15🔗 Caller Well, he's still in college. It's just that his father is the big honcho for the law firm.

1:01:23🔗 Caller Oh, definitely David.

1:01:23🔗 Drew Yeah, so he's not an attorney.

1:01:26🔗 Caller Oh, make your way up, girlie.

1:01:27🔗 Drew Allison, he's not an attorney.

1:01:29🔗 Guest But he just gets to try the baby cases, just the ones where no death was involved or nothing.

1:01:34🔗 Drew He's just barely out of college, right?

1:01:37🔗 Caller Well, he has like a year and a half left to go, yeah.

1:01:39🔗 Drew Of college?

1:01:40🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:01:40🔗 Drew Then he has three years of law school.

1:01:43🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:01:43🔗 Drew Then he has to pass the bar.

1:01:44🔗 Caller Don't you see the paper chase?

1:01:46🔗 Adam All right, listen, Allison, it'll all be over by then anyway, so you might as well enjoy yourself, okay? Okay. All right, good luck with those lawyers. Big pains in the ass, all of them. I got a couple attorney friends, they're just, they argue on everything.

1:02:00🔗 Guest They're worse than Mexicans, aren't they?

1:02:02🔗 Adam They really are.

1:02:03🔗 Caller You know what's the worst thing?

1:02:04🔗 Adam Thank God there's no Mexican lawyer.

1:02:05🔗 Caller Yeah, I was about to say, what's Mexican lawyer is the worst?

1:02:09🔗 Adam Well, they don't have any as of yet, but one day there will be a Mexican lawyer.

1:02:14🔗 Caller There should be a slang term for like bad sex. How was it? Oh, she gave me a Mexican lawyer. It was really bad. It just didn't even, it wasn't even there.

1:02:22🔗 Adam John?

1:02:24🔗 Caller Hello?

1:02:24🔗 Adam You're 21.

1:02:25🔗 Drew Mocho Haldago?

1:02:27🔗 I'm still hung up on that.

1:02:29🔗 Caller What's up, guys?

1:02:30🔗 Adam What's up there, John?

1:02:32🔗 Caller Not much. Just want to tell you guys, hey, look, I love your show. It's awesome. Adam, Drew, you guys are awesome.

1:02:38🔗 Adam Great.

1:02:40🔗 Caller Basically, I'm calling because I have a rather weird situation I've realized over the years. I spent a lot of time working on computers as a graphic artist, and while I'm online, while I'm working on my computer, I have a chat program. Random people seem to instant message me and send me all kinds of notes and stuff over the connection, and it seems like while I'm working, I'm talking with them, and they seem to get kind of attached. Okay, mostly it's females, okay. The weird thing that I've noticed is that a lot of these girls, they get to the point of where, yeah, if I was in the same area as they were, they'd totally go out with me. Right. The odd thing about this is that when I'm socializing with others, I'm more of an entertainer, and no one really takes that kind of interest.

1:03:31🔗 Adam Right.

1:03:32🔗 Drew So when you're out, you're just the computer guy.

1:03:36🔗 Caller Well, yeah, I'm knowledgeable with computers and everything, but I don't make that the mainstay of my conversations.

1:03:42🔗 Adam Right. Mostly Dungeons and Dragons and Star Trek. That would be the sort of base of the... No, actually, those are the other people. All right. So do you have much confidence when you're out with people?

1:03:55🔗 Caller Oh, yeah. I mean, people have their own opinions and everything, but I really don't care what they think or what they say about me.

1:04:01🔗 Adam Uh-oh. That's always a bad thing. That's a bad sign. The people that don't care really need to care the most.

1:04:06🔗 Caller Or the people that say they don't care actually care 10 times more.

1:04:10🔗 Adam Right. Either way, start caring all of you.

1:04:13🔗 Caller Well, I mean, if you look at it this way, I mean, all through high school, I was a really quiet person. Ever since I got out, I mean, I've been very social. I've been, you know, not so much the loner anymore. And all throughout my school years, I've been criticized, I've been ridiculed and everything. So, you know, it really doesn't have that much of an effect.

1:04:31🔗 Adam So, set the pacer to geek everybody and let's... All right. Hey, John.

1:04:36🔗 Drew Well, the online people can present themselves in very appealing ways online. People that have developed that skill of showing a sort of interesting persona online.

1:04:47🔗 Caller Also, I mean, all the girls that are attached to you online are gay middle-aged men. I can assure you right now.

1:04:52🔗 Drew But they're also, again, they're attached to a fantasy. And the fantasy is something you help them create through how you present yourself.

1:04:57🔗 Caller Your screen name of Han Solo isn't helping.

1:05:00🔗 Guest I say you got it good. You don't have to spend any money. You don't have to take them out anywhere. You just have cyber sex with fat girls and you've got the life.

1:05:07🔗 Caller Or middle-aged gay men.

1:05:09🔗 Caller See, the thing is, I don't do the cyber sex like a lot of these other people do.

1:05:13🔗 Guest All right, yes.

1:05:14🔗 Caller It's not, you know, I don't find any interest in it.

1:05:17🔗 Adam We understand you're no tramp, John, but let's get down to the brass tacks here. Have you ever had a girlfriend?

1:05:25🔗 Caller No, I haven't.

1:05:25🔗 Adam No. And so are you a virgin?

1:05:28🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:05:28🔗 Adam Shocking. And you'd like to have a shocking, you'd like to have a real relationship, right?

1:05:35🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:05:36🔗 Adam OK, so next time you strike up a conversation with one of these people and they seem to be somewhere in the vicinity, why don't you see about meeting them in some parking lot somewhere and work in some manner? Why don't you get together? I mean, you got to kind of, you know, finish. You're not a good closer, as Drew likes to say. You meet them, you talk to them, and then you let them off the hook. You got to gaff your catch on board and club them. And then you mount that.

1:06:06🔗 Guest You're a computer guy. Create the perfect girl on your computer and. That's right.

1:06:10🔗 Adam A lightning bolt will hit your parents' place.

1:06:12🔗 Guest And a double, you know, a Steven Seagal's wife in your house. It'll be great.

1:06:16🔗 Caller We're just saying that you should double-click the icon. You're not, you're just clicking it once and you're, you're lighting it up and then you're not double-clicking it and getting it open. Right, right.

1:06:24🔗 Caller Well, the thing is, it's not like I talked to him just one time and then that's it.

1:06:27🔗 Adam All right, John, John, you know what you have to do now. It ain't on paper anymore.

1:06:32🔗 Guest Now go outside.

1:06:34🔗 Adam Right, right. You know what's so funny? Guys do this all the time. The guys who haven't gotten any love to talk about their massive potential for getting some. And to me, that just makes their case worse.

1:06:47🔗 Caller And they always say, no, wait a minute, but the thing is. And they'll say some other excuse that, but the thing is. Right.

1:06:54🔗 Adam A lot of chicks dig me. I just will not let them handle my chunk, is basically what they're saying. But yet you can tell they'd love to go out on a date and get into something. So that's it. You got to jump in. And you know what? It gets harder the longer you wait.

1:07:09🔗 Caller Oh boy. Otherwise, you find yourself at 40 cruising around.

1:07:13🔗 Guest And the longer you're a nerd, the nerdier you get. It just gets worse.

1:07:18🔗 Caller Oh, it gets really bad. You start painting pewter figurines. Right. You know, fencing. You join a fencing club thinking that's going to get you the jigs.

1:07:27🔗 Adam You start getting into like a Civil War recreations and things like that.

1:07:31🔗 Caller Oh, yeah. It can get really bad.

1:07:32🔗 Guest You only obsess over one Star Trek episode. You have that one episode.

1:07:36🔗 Caller You start hosting murder mystery parties. Are you going to solve them? I'm hair-cubed far out. Oh, God.

1:07:43🔗 Adam And then the great part is when you start really building the cases against the guys who do actually get laid. Look at that big jockstrap. He's got no, I bet he don't have two brain cells to rub together. Meanwhile, who cares? The guy's banging the bejesus out of someone new every weekend. This is becoming quite cathartic for us. Very cathartic, yeah. All right. Let's take a break for someone to search crime. Hey, everybody. There you go. I'm Adam Corolla. That's Dr. Drew. Over there, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191. Patton Oswalt is here. So is Brian Posehn. Just Shoot Me and King of Queens are the name of their shows. And you can also find them at the Irvine Improv, at the Irvine Spectrum. That would be June 20th through the 24th and multi-shows on the weekends, everybody. And you guys stay out there. When you go out there, you just drive back and forth.

1:08:49🔗 Guest People will be going back and forth, yeah.

1:08:51🔗 Adam Yeah, because you guys are in town, right? Yeah.

1:08:53🔗 Guest Oh, yeah.

1:08:54🔗 Adam You need to stay out there. Well, the Irvine is kind of nice in a boring way.

1:08:58🔗 Drew You can stay in Newport.

1:09:00🔗 Adam It's sort of clean.

1:09:02🔗 Caller But it's clean in a creepy kind of way.

1:09:04🔗 Adam Like a Stepford kind of way.

1:09:06🔗 Caller It's like a freshly sprayed kind of way.

1:09:08🔗 Guest Logan's Run kind of way. Yeah.

1:09:10🔗 Adam It's kind of weird. You pull into a gas station and you go, hey, can I use the bathroom? And there's some perky-eyed blonde kid who's 21 who goes, sure, no problem. And you start looking around like you're suspicious. Like, where's that steel-eyed foreigner yelling at me? This is not comfortable.

1:09:29🔗 Caller Right.

1:09:29🔗 Adam What's going on here?

1:09:30🔗 Caller There's no bulletproof glass in any of the gas stations. You're looking to see if there's like weird alien attachments on the back of people's necks.

1:09:38🔗 Adam The guy just said, thank you. Come again. What do you think he was getting at? Maybe there's someone underneath the counters holding a gun to him or something. Maybe. You're waiting for like the Harrison Ford from Blade Runner to come sliding in and put the guy down. Yeah.

1:09:55🔗 Caller Give him a Voight-Kampff test.

1:09:57🔗 Adam Right.

1:09:57🔗 Caller You're walking across the desert and you see a turtle.

1:10:00🔗 Adam Right. It's just a bunch of nice folks who aren't interested in crime or being rude. I don't know how to process that. I don't trust them. You're right. No, no. Steve?

1:10:10🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:10:11🔗 Adam You're 40. What's up?

1:10:12🔗 Caller Hey, I just, I got to tell you, y'all are awesome. I love your opinions, whether it hurts anybody's feelings or not.

1:10:20🔗 Adam Well, we like Europeans too, I think.

1:10:24🔗 Drew What's up, Steve?

1:10:25🔗 Caller 10-4, Steve.

1:10:26🔗 Caller I had a question.

1:10:28🔗 Drew Yeah. Right.

1:10:28🔗 Caller I just, I want your opinion on this. I just got, I just got divorced, okay? Had three step kids. Pretty much raised them from the time. There's like...

1:10:39🔗 Adam Please say hi to a bull weevil.

1:10:41🔗 Caller I mean, did you hook up with a 19-year-old girl in a parking lot?

1:10:45🔗 Caller No, I heard that too. And there ain't nothing wrong with a four-year-old guy, man. Okay?

1:10:50🔗 Adam No.

1:10:51🔗 Caller All right.

1:10:51🔗 Adam So you raised your stepkids.

1:10:53🔗 Caller Right. Okay. When we first got together, we was together for 10 years.

1:10:57🔗 Adam Right.

1:10:57🔗 Caller Okay. When we first got together, the oldest one was like four. The next one was three. The other one was like a year.

1:11:04🔗 Adam Right.

1:11:06🔗 Caller Okay. Well, I raised them, you know, the best way. I'm from the old school. My mom and dad was divorced when I was two years old.

1:11:13🔗 Adam Right.

1:11:13🔗 Caller That's old school.

1:11:15🔗 Adam Right.

1:11:16🔗 Caller My mom did her best to raise me and my sister. She went to work during the day, went to school at night, got her better jobs and that, you know, progressed. We pretty much got to do pretty much what we did, you know, wanted to do.

1:11:27🔗 Adam I understand all that. But now you're divorced.

1:11:30🔗 Caller Well, my question is, I heard the girl talking earlier about the lock on the door and stuff and wanting to do whatever she wanted to to her room or whatever.

1:11:37🔗 Adam Right.

1:11:38🔗 Caller Well, that's all fine and dandy. But where do you draw the line?

1:11:41🔗 Adam Well, you're divorced now, though, right? So it doesn't really matter.

1:11:44🔗 Caller Well, I've got two daughters. I've been married. This is second marriage.

1:11:48🔗 Adam Oh, I see.

1:11:49🔗 Drew I think that you draw the line at the written word. I think they should have an opportunity to have their own sort of private journals or diaries, that kind of thing.

1:11:58🔗 Caller Well, I understand that.

1:12:00🔗 Drew Anything else that requires trust? They have to earn that. I mean, really, it's just like a treaty with another country. It's trust and verify. Well, it really is.

1:12:08🔗 Adam I more look at it as a prisoner that's in a camp, which is, yeah, they got to earn the recreation time.

1:12:16🔗 Drew It's like, hey, you don't trust me. That's right. When you give me reason to trust you, then I trust you.

1:12:21🔗 Adam Well, here's, but it's a balance. You have to knock on the door and ask if you can come in.

1:12:28🔗 Drew You have to be respectful of their space, but you don't leave it be as though they can be trusted with their privacy. You assume that they're going to be up to something. It's a better assumption. Really, Drew?

1:12:39🔗 Adam Why? Steve, you've done a good job with them. But how old are they?

1:12:46🔗 Caller Well, right now, the oldest one's...

1:12:47🔗 Adam No, not now. No, yeah. How old are they?

1:12:51🔗 Caller The step kids are 14. I got a daughter that's 17.

1:12:54🔗 Adam Right. And don't you have another daughter as well?

1:12:56🔗 Caller Yeah, she just turned two last fall.

1:12:59🔗 Drew Two.

1:13:00🔗 Adam Oh, okay. So you don't have to worry about her for another six years, right? But the 17-year-old you worried about a little?

1:13:08🔗 Caller Pretty much.

1:13:09🔗 Adam And what's she doing? Or how are her grades?

1:13:11🔗 Caller Oh, she's doing real good.

1:13:13🔗 Adam Right?

1:13:13🔗 Caller Doing real good.

1:13:14🔗 Drew I think you see you can trust her.

1:13:16🔗 Adam You trust her.

1:13:16🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:13:18🔗 Caller But I mean, I still got feelings for my step kids too, you know?

1:13:21🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:13:22🔗 Caller When I go to see my daughter, you know, on visitation, that step kids are there, they come out, you know, and the one, well, two of them, the two daughters, there's two girls and a boy. The two daughters, one, they call me by my name, and they call me dad.

1:13:37🔗 Adam What do you think they call me, a-hole?

1:13:39🔗 Caller Well, no.

1:13:40🔗 Adam No, Steve, listen, that's tough. And it's something we never talk about on this show, which is, what about the step kids that you essentially raise? I mean, they're four, three, and two, or something like that. Then you get divorced, and technically, you're sort of out of the picture. I think you just have to work that one out. I mean, I think if they love you, and you love them, and you have a relationship, and hopefully you don't burn any bridges with the ax, you still keep the relationship going.

1:14:08🔗 Drew It's hard. A lot of times, the mom won't allow it.

1:14:10🔗 Adam Oh, thank God. I hated my stepmom. Do you guys have stepparents?

1:14:15🔗 Guest No.

1:14:16🔗 Adam No?

1:14:16🔗 Guest Just mom's boyfriends.

1:14:19🔗 Adam Really?

1:14:20🔗 Guest She never got one to commit completely. She never had a bunch of boyfriends.

1:14:24🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:14:24🔗 Guest Were they all right? No. Mostly bad guys.

1:14:28🔗 Adam Really? Really? And what about dad? Did he remarry?

1:14:32🔗 Guest No. He died when I was really little.

1:14:34🔗 Adam Oh, boy. So you got some issues then, right Brian?

1:14:37🔗 Guest Oh, a whole lot. Come to the Airbine Improv.

1:14:41🔗 Drew Oh, okay.

1:14:42🔗 Adam I was going to, but it took a turn. Can we wrap up early?

1:14:49🔗 Drew You can take off.

1:14:51🔗 Adam I'm feeling uncomfortable. Diana?

1:14:54🔗 Caller Hi.

1:14:54🔗 Adam You're 17?

1:14:55🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:14:55🔗 Adam What's up?

1:14:56🔗 Caller Well, I just had a couple questions. Like, I've been doing, like, acid and mushrooms and ecstasy and stuff like that. I want to know how long it would be before, like, you could, I'd have, like, some sort of effect or what kind of toll would it take on me later on in life?

1:15:12🔗 Drew The most common thing is chronic depression. And that's just that's sort of where it starts.

1:15:17🔗 Caller Yeah. And I've also, like, I've been depressed before.

1:15:20🔗 Drew Yeah. Well, you will be again.

1:15:21🔗 Caller Okay. So, like, I heard that there was, like, after, like, a certain, like, number of, like, times that you cry, like, you're considered, like, clinically insane. Is that true? Is there such number?

1:15:34🔗 Drew No, there's no such number.

1:15:35🔗 Caller No? So, like, that's just, like, all BS?

1:15:39🔗 Drew There's no such number. There's no doubt that this will damage your brain. There's no doubt that you'll have problems psychiatrically as a result. And if that's something somebody considers clinically insane, well, there you go.

1:15:49🔗 Adam Okay. Hey, Diana? Uh-huh? Why take the chance? I mean, why monkey? Why don't you let your brain dry and then you can go ahead and have a pass at it? That's what I did.

1:16:01🔗 Caller Yeah, I haven't been doing it, like, that much anymore. Like, I just like some pot and stuff and, like, drink.

1:16:07🔗 Adam But just drinking and weed?

1:16:08🔗 Caller Yeah, you know, occasionally just, like, to hang out and, like, kick back.

1:16:12🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:16:13🔗 Caller Did you do the acid, like, alone or with other people?

1:16:16🔗 Caller We didn't.

1:16:17🔗 Caller Usually, like, in groups, it was kind of like, I don't know, like, we'd have, like, these, like, weird little community things going on.

1:16:23🔗 Drew You have a family history of alcoholism, right?

1:16:25🔗 Caller Yeah. Actually, when I was a freshman, I was really depressed and I was drinking a lot. And during that time, like, I tried to kill myself. So.

1:16:34🔗 Drew Okay.

1:16:34🔗 Caller Well.

1:16:35🔗 Adam But family history, meaning your dad or your mom?

1:16:37🔗 Oh, no, no.

1:16:39🔗 Adam Really?

1:16:39🔗 Caller No. Come on.

1:16:40🔗 Adam Do you know your dad or your mom?

1:16:42🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:16:43🔗 Adam Really?

1:16:43🔗 Drew You know both of them?

1:16:44🔗 Caller No. I actually only know my mother.

1:16:47🔗 Drew All right.

1:16:47🔗 Adam So you don't know your dad?

1:16:48🔗 Caller Oh, but I do know my dad.

1:16:50🔗 Drew Is he an alcoholic?

1:16:51🔗 Caller No.

1:16:52🔗 Drew He smoked a lot of pot?

1:16:53🔗 Caller But I think that there was a history of drug abuse, I believe, heroin, actually.

1:16:58🔗 Drew Who?

1:16:59🔗 Caller My father.

1:17:00🔗 Drew Go ahead and let us in on that one. That's what we're going after, is that you got the gene from somewhere. That dad's the one that's got it.

1:17:07🔗 Adam See, Diana, unlike, see, I can do whatever drugs I want because all I inherited from my family was the boring gene.

1:17:16🔗 Drew Well, no, the lazy gene, too.

1:17:17🔗 Adam The lazy and boring, the same gene.

1:17:19🔗 Drew The napping gene, I guess it is, yeah.

1:17:20🔗 Adam Napping and jacking, I think I got from my grandfather's side. I'm not sure. I got to talk to my grandmother about that. I'm pretty sure it was a chronic disease.

1:17:27🔗 Caller It skips a generation.

1:17:28🔗 Adam Oh, does it?

1:17:29🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:17:29🔗 Adam But it's on the father's side?

1:17:30🔗 Caller Yeah, but if it's your grandfather, then you've got it, both barrels.

1:17:33🔗 Adam Oh, right. Right. But, Diana, you are heading for trouble.

1:17:38🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:17:39🔗 Adam And I know you don't care because, so what?

1:17:42🔗 Caller I do care. That's kind of why. I need to have a life. I need to have a career. I need to do something.

1:17:48🔗 Adam Yeah, you do.

1:17:49🔗 Drew Well, you also need to have a brain that doesn't get severely damaged.

1:17:51🔗 Caller Very true.

1:17:52🔗 Drew That's what you're going to use to get the job, right?

1:17:54🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:17:54🔗 Adam All right. And don't get pregnant either.

1:17:56🔗 Caller No, no, nothing, never, ever.

1:17:58🔗 Adam Okay.

1:17:59🔗 Caller No kids.

1:18:00🔗 Adam Listen, I would consider this nation back on track if everybody didn't get strung out or pregnant before their 21st birthday. I mean, think about what utopia we'd be living in.

1:18:13🔗 Caller So many problems.

1:18:15🔗 Adam Yeah. And, you know, it's funny, people are always talking about college career, career training, that kind of stuff, following your muse. Forget all that. Just don't do those two things. Try to make it to your 21st birthday without either being pregnant, getting someone else pregnant, or getting strung out on something.

1:18:31🔗 Caller You should get a car when you're 21 if you can do that. They should do a thing where you just get like, not like, you know, like a little me out, I mean like a little condo civic.

1:18:40🔗 Adam I would like to offer that incentive myself. Yeah. Right. With a car. Yeah. With, by the way, a trunk full of Lucky Strikes and Jack Daniels or something. You know, big payday kind of thing. Sort of a Goyam Bar Mitzvah.

1:18:57🔗 Drew Remember that guy that we had a couple of years ago called, his uncle was going to give him a car if he never masturbated?

1:19:04🔗 Adam Oh yeah.

1:19:06🔗 Caller He ended up killing his uncle. Really weird.

1:19:07🔗 Adam That's right. Driving his car.

1:19:09🔗 Caller I read that story. Driving his car around while jerking off.

1:19:12🔗 Adam He was caught masturbating his uncle's car on the grapevine. Oh, wait a minute, Drew, who do you have to talk to? Let's take one more call and we'll go to break. We'll speak to Jason. He's 14. Jason?

1:19:28🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:19:28🔗 Adam What's up?

1:19:31🔗 Caller Not much, really. All right. I've been waiting to congratulate you on the pristine penis, man.

1:19:37🔗 Adam Oh, me? Yes. Thank you. Drew tested my penis on the air. He dumped acetic acid on it, then shined a black light on it, and it came up a pristine.

1:19:47🔗 Caller What does that mean? Like, no weird bumps or contusions?

1:19:50🔗 Adam Yeah, he was looking for things.

1:19:52🔗 Drew He was wearing a stunt penis that night.

1:19:54🔗 Adam Suspicious. He said it didn't look like it had ever been used. As a matter of fact, is that what you said, Drew?

1:20:01🔗 Drew Stunt penis.

1:20:01🔗 Adam Thank you. Jason?

1:20:03🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:20:04🔗 Adam Right.

1:20:04🔗 Caller So I'm homeschooled.

1:20:06🔗 Adam Uh-oh.

1:20:07🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:20:08🔗 Adam Yeah, that's trouble.

1:20:09🔗 Caller Yep.

1:20:10🔗 Guest I need it.

1:20:11🔗 Adam Why are you homeschooled if you don't want to be homeschooled?

1:20:13🔗 Caller Uh, because, like, they were gonna fail me last year, so my mom decided to put me in homeschool to kind of get my grades straightened out.

1:20:22🔗 Adam Oh, boy. Right. Give you a few A's and send you back in.

1:20:27🔗 Caller Yeah, I'm going back in next year.

1:20:29🔗 Adam Okay. It's a diabolical plan. It's like, well, you guys were going to get an F, but I'm going to give them an A and then I'll send them back. We'll be on the honor roll next year.

1:20:39🔗 Caller Great.

1:20:40🔗 Adam Maybe she can give you, like, a varsity football trophy and a track scholarship or something, like a Letterman's jacket, too. It gets a big H on it for the home schooling.

1:20:49🔗 Caller Photoshop some prom pictures of you and Christina Aguilera. Really make your high school work out. Right.

1:20:54🔗 Adam Those years would be so much better.

1:20:56🔗 Caller Exactly.

1:20:59🔗 Adam All right. So that's a great plan. And then you're heading back. So what's your question?

1:21:03🔗 Caller Well, my parents, I think it's mostly my dad. They smoke a lot of pot and I'm like.

1:21:11🔗 Guest In your own school, in your own school.

1:21:14🔗 Caller And I'm trying to get out of the house and I can't like go to any therapy or anything or out of here.

1:21:21🔗 Drew Why not?

1:21:22🔗 Guest Why can't you go?

1:21:23🔗 Caller Because they won't like let me out of the house or anything.

1:21:26🔗 Drew Why?

1:21:26🔗 Caller Because I tried to run away like last month and now they like lock me in the house.

1:21:32🔗 Adam Well, do they go to work during the day?

1:21:36🔗 Caller My dad does, but my mom stays with me all day.

1:21:38🔗 Drew Why do you try to run away?

1:21:40🔗 Caller Because they were basically yelling at me all the time and trying to keep me away from my friends. Wow.

1:21:48🔗 Adam And they smoke a lot of weed, huh?

1:21:50🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:21:51🔗 Guest Maybe you can have some home therapy.

1:21:52🔗 Caller That's like a mellow, that's usually like a mellow hi. Why would they be screaming at you?

1:21:57🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah. It is. It makes people more docile.

1:21:59🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:22:00🔗 Caller Yeah. Well, my mom's not that into it, but she, they both totally deny it when I tried to talk to them about it.

1:22:09🔗 Adam Oh, boy. Hey, Jason, you have any brothers or sisters?

1:22:12🔗 Caller Yeah, I have a little brother and sister.

1:22:14🔗 Adam Oh, boy. And how are they doing?

1:22:17🔗 Caller Uh, they're, they, they don't seem stable at all. They're, they're always out to get me. And they, they're basically...

1:22:27🔗 Adam How old are they? How old are they?

1:22:29🔗 Caller Uh, eight and five.

1:22:32🔗 Adam You've got a five-year-old, like, cutting the brake lines on your bicycle or...?

1:22:36🔗 Caller Yeah, he is, really.

1:22:37🔗 Adam Jesus. All right. Hey, Jason? Uh, first off, let me apologize on behalf of all adults for your parents. And it's, uh, I'm sorry that you have to be an, become sort of an adult when you should be enjoying your, uh, high school years. Uh, I don't know what, uh, I'm glad you're going to be in, reintroduce the school. Uh, part of the thing is, is you shouldn't have flunked out last year and you wouldn't be in this predicament.

1:23:03🔗 Drew Right.

1:23:04🔗 Adam So it would be a good idea that when you did get intricate, introduced, introduced back into school that you got your grades up, right?

1:23:12🔗 Caller Yeah. Cause I'm like moving this year. So I'll be going to a different school.

1:23:18🔗 Drew Why are you moving?

1:23:19🔗 Caller Um, I don't know. Well, our house is pretty small.

1:23:23🔗 Caller So, and we'll be like, have you seen your dad smoke pot?

1:23:28🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:23:29🔗 Drew Every day?

1:23:30🔗 Caller Not every day. I don't see him, but I've seen him.

1:23:33🔗 Drew How many times?

1:23:35🔗 Caller I've seen him about, about 20 times.

1:23:39🔗 Caller Hey, when you, if you go back to high school, can't you talk to the counselors there or maybe try to get some help once you're, if you're in high school during the day and you're away from your parents, can't you ask for help then?

1:23:49🔗 Caller Yeah, I guess I can, but.

1:23:50🔗 Adam Yeah, but that's, that's.

1:23:51🔗 Drew I'm not sure the parent smoking pot is the issue here.

1:23:54🔗 Adam What do you mean?

1:23:55🔗 Drew He's making it the issue. You understand?

1:23:57🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:23:58🔗 Drew Jason's got some stuff going on. He's been a behavior problem. He's flunking out of school.

1:24:02🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:24:02🔗 Drew He wants to make it their problem.

1:24:04🔗 Adam Yeah, Jason, why were you flunking out of school?

1:24:07🔗 Caller I was basically the class clown, really.

1:24:10🔗 Adam You were like a big jerk off at school?

1:24:13🔗 Caller Well, I had a lot of friends and everything, but I wasn't really respected because I wasn't doing well.

1:24:19🔗 Adam And you weren't respected?

1:24:22🔗 Caller Yeah, by, like...

1:24:23🔗 Adam The faculty?

1:24:24🔗 Caller Teachers dissed you?

1:24:26🔗 Caller Yeah, really, yeah.

1:24:27🔗 Adam Yeah. Hey, Jason?

1:24:29🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:24:29🔗 Adam You know, we're hearing your side of the story, and it's probably best that your parents don't tell us their side of the story, because you sound like a pain in the ass. I mean, you're kind of a troublemaker, right?

1:24:40🔗 Caller Yeah, I guess so.

1:24:41🔗 Adam All right. So maybe your parents are disciplining you, and you don't like it, and they're keeping the hatches batten down on your ship because you're out of control. They let you out in the bay and you sunk. Any more ship references you guys want to toss in? Remember the main.

1:24:58🔗 Caller It's supposed to be a three-hour tour.

1:25:00🔗 Adam Remember the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald? You touched on it earlier today.

1:25:04🔗 Caller Jason, it's too rough to feed you.

1:25:05🔗 Drew No, Jason, Jason, you need a bigger boat. You need this. I'm sorry that your parents were rough on you, and certainly they have a role to play in the condition you're in right now, but it sounds like they're doing their parenting right now.

1:25:17🔗 Adam Thank you. We'll be back.

1:25:27🔗 Caller Hi, this is Dave Navarro.

1:25:28🔗 Guest You're listening to Love Line with Adam Garolla and Dr. Drew.

1:25:31🔗 Adam Here you are. And Dave Navarro will be in here on Sunday. Then the big showdown with Pennywise, 311 and some 41. Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn are both here tonight. You can find them at the Irvine Improv, at the Irvine Spectrum, the 20th through the 24th next week, Wednesday through Sunday. Multi-shows on the weekends, everybody. Let's talk to Phil, who's 15. Phil?

1:26:00🔗 Caller Yeah, I was wondering how you think abstinence affects teen and college relationships?

1:26:06🔗 Drew What do you mean?

1:26:06🔗 Caller Like, do you think like being abstinent in high school affects you less than in college?

1:26:13🔗 Caller It depends if it's by choice.

1:26:15🔗 Drew It affects you less. What do you mean?

1:26:16🔗 Caller Yeah, like, do you think people are more likely to break up in college because of someone decides to be abstinent in the relationship?

1:26:24🔗 Adam Well, if one of them does, but if they both agree on abstinence, then it seems like it would work out.

1:26:31🔗 Caller Right, but I mean, like, you know, our, you're not asking a clear question.

1:26:38🔗 Adam Well, it's not that out there. Yeah.

1:26:41🔗 Caller In relationships, like in high school and college, are people more likely to break up if one person decides to be abstinent?

1:26:47🔗 Adam Yes. Why? What do you got going?

1:26:52🔗 Caller Oh, nothing. I'm not in a relationship. I never have been, but I'm just, I'm wondering like what the statistics are.

1:26:57🔗 Adam Well, forget about abstinence. It's like if one person wants to go to Europe and the other person doesn't want to go, one person wants to have a kid or one person wants to go. Anytime there's one in a couple that wants to do something drastically different, especially when it's a basic need like sex, you're going to have a little friction and you probably have a higher likelihood of them breaking up.

1:27:18🔗 Caller I was just wondering because I always hear people call in and they're always saying how one's abstinence and they want to break up or...

1:27:25🔗 Drew No, you hear guys complaining about that, but some guys will hang in with that. They will.

1:27:29🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:27:30🔗 Drew You don't hear women complaining about that.

1:27:31🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:27:32🔗 Adam All right there, Phil. How are you doing? You got a girlfriend?

1:27:35🔗 Caller No, I'm 15.

1:27:36🔗 Adam I never have.

1:27:37🔗 Drew Are you planning to stay abstinent?

1:27:39🔗 Caller What?

1:27:40🔗 Caller You're planning to stay...

1:27:41🔗 Adam No.

1:27:41🔗 Drew You can't wait to show that.

1:27:42🔗 Guest You're just curious?

1:27:44🔗 Caller Yeah, I was just wondering because you always hear calls like that.

1:27:46🔗 Adam Yeah. I was not planning on being abstinent when I was 15 either. Unfortunately, it was forced upon me by the...

1:27:54🔗 Guest The law.

1:27:55🔗 Adam Well, the student body...

1:27:56🔗 Caller The other half of the population.

1:27:57🔗 Adam The student body at North Hollywood High and then after that it actually spread into the San Fernando Valley. So it was... I don't know if they had a meeting. I wasn't... I'm not paranoid, but somehow they all found out about it.

1:28:10🔗 Caller It's become an international thing for me, actually.

1:28:12🔗 Guest Oh, really?

1:28:12🔗 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:28:13🔗 Caller I'm kind of... I've taken it into the jet age.

1:28:16🔗 Guest It's really nice.

1:28:16🔗 Adam Yeah. Really expanding.

1:28:18🔗 Guest Oh, yeah.

1:28:19🔗 Adam Gloria?

1:28:20🔗 Yeah?

1:28:21🔗 Adam You're 30. What's up?

1:28:22🔗 Caller Oh, okay. I'm freaking out, kind of. My girlfriend and I... or best friend and I are just hanging out. All of our boys are over here playing. My five-year-old and her four-year-old were up on his top bunk, and she walked in on, like, the four-year-old just pulling up his pants. And then my five-year-old says that he had his mouth on his weenie.

1:28:50🔗 Adam On the boys' weenie?

1:28:51🔗 Caller On the little boys' weenie. And my little boy doesn't lie, and he's been telling me about a bunch of stuff, how it's happened before, like, three times.

1:29:00🔗 Drew With whom? With the same kid?

1:29:02🔗 Caller The same little kid.

1:29:03🔗 Adam Which is your friend's kid?

1:29:04🔗 Caller Which is my friend's kid.

1:29:05🔗 Drew So you think something's happened to the friend's kid?

1:29:08🔗 Caller What?

1:29:08🔗 Drew So you think something happened to the friend's kid to make him do that?

1:29:11🔗 Caller They're so normal boys. No nothing. I mean, I'm a single mom, so, I mean, but there's nothing, no issues in any kind of, you know.

1:29:21🔗 Adam Well, did you ask? Yeah.

1:29:24🔗 Guest Is your kid the one that's pitching or catching or, I'm sorry to put it that way, but...

1:29:29🔗 Caller This time, he was pitching.

1:29:32🔗 Adam They mix it up.

1:29:34🔗 Caller He said it's happened before and they both did the both, whatever.

1:29:39🔗 Adam They both traded off.

1:29:41🔗 Caller He said that before, they each did it.

1:29:44🔗 Drew Why was he doing it? Did he say?

1:29:45🔗 Caller He didn't say. He won't say. And he's, I mean, he's pretty good about telling me.

1:29:50🔗 Drew Well, there's only one way the kids do things that are sexual, or explicitly sexual, and that's when an adult does something to them, or another child who has been abused by an adult, then does it to the children, the children start doing it to each other.

1:30:01🔗 Adam Untrue, though, Drew and I argue about this.

1:30:04🔗 Caller I can't get that out of him, and, oh, I just shouldn't have said his name, I guess.

1:30:09🔗 Drew All of his friends now are listening. All of his four-year-old friends are writing this down right now.

1:30:14🔗 Caller But, okay, so the one little boy, I mean, neither one of them...

1:30:19🔗 Caller Carter.

1:30:20🔗 Caller Please don't say his name again.

1:30:21🔗 Adam It's a common name.

1:30:23🔗 Caller No, it's not. Neither one of these little kids have been...

1:30:28🔗 Drew And the kids will do weird, random things with their genitalia, especially the boys. There's no doubt they will.

1:30:33🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:30:34🔗 Drew But...

1:30:34🔗 Caller I mean, is it somewhat just curiosity?

1:30:37🔗 Drew It's how it can be, but the mouth is going a little bit...

1:30:41🔗 Adam Yeah, it's pushing it, but it's still within the realm of experimentation. I mean, the good news is if, God forbid, he ever has to do time, he's, you know, sort of prepared himself. He's up on the bunk, you know.

1:30:56🔗 Caller Don't laugh, Adam.

1:30:57🔗 Adam No, I know. Listen, listen. I... Drew and I argue about this sometimes because Drew has kids that are, you know, around that age and he gets really freaked out about it.

1:31:10🔗 Caller Okay, so Drew...

1:31:11🔗 Adam But kids do do a lot of crazy things, and it doesn't mean that they were sexually abused or...

1:31:17🔗 Drew Kids at homes where there's a lot of emotional stress will particularly be the ones that sort of become exhibitionistic and sort of would do weird stuff with the genitalia. That's what happens.

1:31:27🔗 Guest Plus if they're watching a lot of gay porn, they're going to try what they see on TV.

1:31:32🔗 Drew If they've been exposed to sexual material or if they've been... An adult does something.

1:31:36🔗 Caller Especially if, like, Elmo's doing it.

1:31:38🔗 Drew And it's very common for children that have been sexually abused than to act out on other children. Now, this may be something random. Personally, if those were my kids, I would have them evaluated for sure.

1:31:46🔗 Adam Right. Here's how the evaluation works. Son, here's some clay. I'm going to go down to the lobby and get some coffee. You make something out of clay and I'll be back to charge your parents 85 bucks.

1:31:56🔗 Drew Enjoy.

1:31:57🔗 Adam Enjoy.

1:31:58🔗 Drew Hello.

1:31:59🔗 Caller Is this your radio?

1:32:01🔗 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:32:10🔗 Adam All right, everybody. That's it. Another fantabulous show. I want to thank Damian for doing a great job on the phones all week. Tara, don't call me Tar, goddammit, for doing a great job on the phones all week. Producer Ann for putting a feminine stink on the show. And of course, the, I think the prince of the potentiometer. There you go. That's good radio. Engineer Anderson and of course, Lauren for doing a great job. What was Lauren doing?

1:32:42🔗 Drew A great job.

1:32:42🔗 Adam A great job. Pat and Brian can be found again at the Improv in Irvine next week, the 20th through the 24th. Thanks guys.

1:32:53🔗 Caller Thank you.

1:32:53🔗 Adam Thank you. We appreciate it. And until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:33:01🔗 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on the show are not necessarily those of the staff, but the management sponsors for this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Dingle. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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