Episode 1000754887480

0:00 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:03 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

0:08 Voiceover Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

0:10 Voiceover I'm not modeling anymore, but it's true, I do.

0:13 Voiceover Loveline.

0:15 Adam Hey, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Facts number 3108-54-44-55. No guess tonight, just the love we find between the two hosts. And that's fine with me. Drew, you brought up a minute and a half ago, the destruction that went on in the Westwood one bathroom, or the Westwood two bathroom.

0:41 Drew Total annihilation. I saved it for you.

0:43 Adam You certainly did. It wasn't you. But I got to tell you, I opened the door to that bathroom and I was hit by a hot wave of gaseous air with some pine to it.

0:57 Drew Yeah, a little lemon-scented.

0:59 Adam Here's the thing about those air fresheners. When it's mixed with the scent of ass, it's not quite as effective. It's more distracting. It's as if someone just took a dump on a pine cone at that point. And it's funny, I was thinking, and did you have to shut the fart fan and the door, Drew, to keep it bottled up?

1:21 Drew You've always regaled us with stories about how much you appreciate this kind of thing. I thought, Adam will appreciate it. I got it just for him.

1:28 Adam I walked into the studio. I went straight into the bathroom, opened the door, I took half a step in, I slammed the door, I did a dry heave, and then I walked into the other bathroom. But here's the thing I want to say about this, and it can be eliminated. I don't think a lot of people are hip to the courtesy flush. Do you know that, Drew? I mean, are you hip to that? As a doctor, do you tell your patients about the virtues of the courtesy flush?

1:55 Drew No little pamphlets or anything about that, no.

1:57 Adam Someone ought to post, you know, that's interesting. In the bathroom, I'm just stumbling on to this, like when you go to a restaurant or something, go post those placards that says employees wash their hands. And there's a few placards around, maybe different ones at airports and things like that. They ought to, they ought to, on the inside of the stalled door, put the courtesy flush placard on there, especially at the airport.

2:21 Drew Please flush immediately.

2:22 Adam Which is, if you can time it just right, and you know your bowels, and let me tell you, I know my bowels. We communicate. I mean, we are like a well-oiled machine. We're like a quarterback and a wide receiver that have been working in the NFL for 14 years and know each other's tendencies, like, you know, Montana and Jerry Rice. And my anus knows exactly what's going on. It's in constant communication with my lower bowels, which is a communication with my brain and then my flush hand. And what I will do if I sense trouble and I'm in a place where I don't want to, you know, savor it somewhere other than home, I will time the flush right with the offloading of the Duke edge. And it is effective.

3:05 Drew Pristine.

3:06 Adam It will, I mean, if you can hit it just right, I mean, you can you can mop up 75, 80 percent of the carnage that would go on in there.

3:15 Drew Here's the problem, and maybe this is why the airports are so bad. They now have those little sensors in the wall. You can't actually do that anymore.

3:21 Adam Is that in the toilets too or just in the urinals? Oh, yeah.

3:25 Drew No, no. It's in the hall. And there's actually been a movement in the other direction, which is save water.

3:31 Adam Yeah. Yeah. But save water. But I say save lives. I think corneas, detach retinas.

3:39 Drew Did you have to use corneas?

3:40 Adam Did you have to use movement? Jackass. The point is, is everyone should know about the courtesy flash and it should be mandated at work.

3:47 Drew Yeah.

3:48 Adam And let me say this, too. It worked these days. You didn't get into trouble for anything. I mean, you're sitting around your computer and you pull up a porn website. That's grounds for dismissal. Some secretary walks by and you tell her legs look nice. That's grounds for dismissal. What about destroying the bathroom? Shouldn't there be?

4:06 Drew You really worked up about this.

4:08 Adam Well, I'm just saying at the workplace.

4:10 Drew I thought you admired this guy.

4:11 Adam It's not like I busted into the guy's house. I went into the bathroom that I use. So it's funny when the bathroom is destroyed and you try to figure out the culprit. I think everyone works the same way, which is you start large and you move down. First you look for the big guy, the security guy we got out here. He's 6'6, probably goes about 270. That's the first guy I thought of because I think wooly mammoth. You know, I don't think hamster. I think big. Yeah. I think large mammal is what I think. So I start big and I work down. I start with the security guy and I start putting together possible sort of ass scenarios. Well, let's see. He was standing outside when I walked in, but he could have made it out to the parking lot after offloading. He didn't say anything, but I guess he wouldn't have. He did look a little suspicious. He was smirking as I walked by. Was that? No, that was not you. Then I worked down, say I worked to the next guy. I think that would be Brad or maybe Engineer Anderson. You know, I go by weight and I work my way down. Eventually I'll get to the chicks if I've eliminated all men. But women, women got it made because I'm sure they could do as much damage to a bathroom as a guy could, but they never make the list. They don't make, they don't make the suspect list.

5:38 Drew They make the cut.

5:38 Adam Yeah, I mean, if a bathroom was destroyed and it was one bathroom and there were three or four guys working and five or six chicks working around, you wouldn't consider the women. You would definitely go for the guys first. And I guess women can do damage, can't they? Lisa, no?

5:55 Drew Some.

5:56 Adam You don't have that kind of anal firepower?

5:59 Not typically, no.

6:01 Adam Yeah, but on a good day, can your ass rally?

6:05 I do not want to answer that.

6:06 Adam All right, see, I'm going for yes. But still, like I said, you start with the guys and you work big, down to small, then eventually you get to the women, and then the Asians, the Asians come after the women. I don't know why, I can't picture the Asians doing damage and then eventually get to the Asian women. But I mean, if you're an Asian chick and the bathroom's destroyed, you could be actually sitting on the toilet when I walked in. And I tell you, to get the hell out of the way, I gotta find a guy who stunk this place up. Know what I mean? Right, right. All right. All right, so when you come back, you wanna come back as an Asian woman. Scott?

6:41 Yeah.

6:41 Adam You're 16.

6:42 Caller Yeah.

6:43 Adam What's up?

6:44 I gotta respect the courtesy flush.

6:45 Adam Yeah, are you hip to that?

6:47 Yeah.

6:48 Adam Yeah.

6:49 Now with that.

6:49 Adam All right, what's up?

6:51 Yeah, I had two questions actually. One, vaginal sex from behind, can it actually hurt her?

6:58 Drew Harm her?

6:59 But yeah, like harm her, like she can-

7:01 Drew You can hurt, but it shouldn't harm unless there's something there to be harmed, like an abscess or some infection or some problem. But in and of itself-

7:11 Adam I've heard a woman once when I set my coffee down on her ass and it left a mark.

7:16 Drew Burned.

7:16 Adam Yeah, it was pretty hot. I'll leave a mark. Yeah. So I always use a coaster. So Scott-

7:22 Drew Something going on with your girlfriend? Yeah. What? What's going on?

7:26 I don't know. I've been out for like three years and we try new stuff once in a while.

7:31 Adam Yeah. Have you tried that one? Yeah.

7:34 She just didn't like it.

7:35 Drew Well, just the uncomfortable doesn't mean you're harming her. Everybody's different in various ways and that's-

7:41 Adam Yeah. Maybe get a little deeper penetration or something. Maybe she dries up a little back there. You know what I'm saying?

7:48 Drew That's reasonable.

7:49 Adam Maybe she's worried about the next step in the progression of the experimentation. You know what I mean?

7:55 Drew Proximity.

7:56 Adam That's right. You know what I'm saying, Scott? Speaking of the courtesy flash.

8:00 Drew Yeah.

8:01 Adam All right. Yeah.

8:02 I also have another question.

8:03 Adam Yeah.

8:04 Quick one. Is there any particular way you can sure-fire, tell an orgasm from a woman?

8:12 Adam That they're, I mean, not faking it?

8:14 Yeah.

8:15 Drew Not you. No way that you can tell.

8:18 No.

8:18 Drew No.

8:19 No.

8:19 Adam Yeah. You know, here's what you'll get. I mean, you're looking at it this way. How can you tell when anyone's not faking anything? Do you know what I'm saying? Whether they're upset or crying or happy or whatever it is. If someone's excellent, you can't tell. I mean, if you're banging Meryl Streep, you can't tell whether she's faking or not. But if you're getting some good nail diggage and they look like they're somewhere other than there, that's pretty good. And if you catch them looking at you every once in a while or looking at the clock, that's bad. Yeah, there should be some nail digging and there should be some, I don't know where I am, I don't care who's listening, I'm spinning out. That's what I get from the movies at least. Tasha?

9:07 Caller Hello?

9:08 Adam You're 17? What's up?

9:10 Caller Well, first I just want to say you guys are awesome. I met you like two years ago, not like I expect you to remember, but at the concert where Adam, you introduced Drew's kids as the Hansen brothers.

9:21 Drew Oh wow, in San Jose?

9:23 Adam Yeah, boy, that traumatized the kids.

9:26 Drew They've not really been the same since then.

9:28 Adam Drew brought his kids out on stage in San Jose, there must have been 15, 18,000 people and since they're so cute and blonde, I introduced them as Hansen and the crowd started booing when they hit the stage.

9:39 Caller Yeah, but I have two questions, actually. On the first one, I'm like really self-conscious about my weight and a lot of my friends have tried metabolize and they're like telling me, oh, it's great, you should try it and I'm wondering what the side effects are.

9:55 Drew Well, it's not a healthy thing to do, okay?

9:57 Adam Why not?

9:58 Drew It has stimulant properties in it, it has sort of Ma Wang and ephedra. I'm not sure if it actually has ephedra, but it has those sorts of properties about it and it can raise blood pressure and potentially increase damage to the lining of blood vessels. It's not a healthy thing to do. On the other hand, being overweight isn't healthy.

10:15 Adam How overweight are you?

10:17 Caller Well, I'm 5'3 and I'm 145 pounds.

10:23 Adam Let me do some quick radio math here. 5'3, did you say 145? Oh, I see you had the 4, I'll carry the 3. Hold on a sec, here, Drew with the 5. Okay, that is 5'3 quarter inches, 162 pounds. Okay, so that's a little overweight.

10:45 Drew I know some dieticians that use Mao Wang to sort of boost people's metabolic levels in cases where the people are sort of stalling out.

10:52 Adam What about the placebo effect?

10:53 Drew No, no, it has some effect and I know people...

10:56 Adam No, I'm just saying what about the placebo effect? You think you're taking this pill that's not making you hungry, so now you're not hungry.

11:02 Drew No, it's not about having hungry. I know, I... It just causes you to burn things a little faster.

11:07 Adam Yeah, I know, but you think you're taking this pill that is going to benefit you in your quest to lose weight, so therefore you're sort of cognizant of it.

11:18 Drew Something. And it... I mean, there are most dieticians, I would say, are very much against this kind of thing, because that kind of weight loss is weight you gain back.

11:27 Adam Hey, Tasha. What's wrong with just getting a little more exercise and eating a little better?

11:32 Well, I've tried that.

11:33 Adam Well, are you doing it? I mean, are you really sticking with it? Are you being consistent?

11:38 Caller No, not really.

11:39 Drew Yeah, that's what you gotta do.

11:40 Adam All right.

11:41 Drew There's no easy...

11:42 Adam Eat the protein and stay away from the carbohydrates.

11:45 Caller Okay.

11:46 Adam Fer taught me that like a few months ago. They actually taught me that about two years ago. I just didn't listen.

11:51 Drew You finally did it. That's right.

11:52 Adam I finally did it.

11:53 Well, I have one more question.

11:54 Caller Yeah. My mom is like really alcoholic, like really, and she's addicted to pot, too. And I don't know what to do because well, my brother has ADHD, so he's like hard to deal with anyway. And just like she said she's gonna go to rehab once and she didn't, and like...

12:15 Drew You need to go to Allatine, Tasha. Go to Allatine. Take care of yourself. I can tell you from my experience, the one thing that gets the attention of the identified patient, the addict, is the important people around them getting into their own codependency recovery. They basically develop a fantasy that you're gonna get better and leave, which is what you'll in fact do. You won't tolerate their ass anymore. And they are sort of thereby really awakened to the fact they've got to make some change.

12:39 Adam Phone screener Lisa and interim producer Lisa, who's the same girl by the way, says she takes metabolite.

12:46 Drew Oh really?

12:47 Adam How does that make you feel?

12:48 Drew Sped up.

12:49 Yeah, it totally makes you feel sped up. I gotta get some of that. Now, I don't feel the effect so much anymore because I don't really take it much. Because recently I started having some crazy heart palpitations so I stopped.

13:01 Drew It's not good for you. Liver inflammation.

13:03 Adam Were you taking the directed dosage?

13:05 I was taking like about half of what it says to take. It says like at your peak you should be taking two pills four times a day and I would just take like one pill twice a day, maybe three times. But I know people that take the full amount and like you'll do really well at first but unless you're working out and you'll either gain it back or you just plateau. Like one of the guys at K-Rock lost like 50 pounds but now he's totally plateaued because he's not working out anymore.

13:33 Adam Just forget it. Right. Well like I said it's really hard to fool your body and mother nature. Just eat right, work out and believe me it's going to work out. Alright and do the nose candy. Thank you. Was that that?

13:49 Drew I guess.

13:50 Adam Suzy?

13:51 Caller Yes?

13:52 Adam Yeah you're 25.

13:53 Caller What's up?

13:54 Caller I just wanted to ask Dr. Drew a question. I saw you actually when you spoke at garage.com.

14:00 Drew Oh, no kidding.

14:01 Caller No kidding.

14:03 Drew This was a boot camp for startup companies and it was a room about a couple thousand people. garage.com is basically a company that seeds businesses. It funded dr.drew.com. It helped put together the finances.

14:17 Adam Didn't I meet a young lady from that group?

14:19 Drew Yeah, at the party. Barbara.

14:22 Adam Looked like a secretary in a porno movie. Yeah, I like that. I was just waiting for, like, I thought it was a strippagram the whole time I was dying. I was waiting for her to peel her glasses off and undo the bun in her hair and shake it out, you know, and pull her blouse open. Turned out it didn't happen. I guess I shouldn't have reached for a blouse.

14:42 Caller That's too bad.

14:43 Adam Yeah. Well, anyway, so what did Drew have to say? Anything good?

14:47 Caller A bunch of witty, smart things to say, which were quite impressive considering the live studio audience he had.

14:54 Drew A bunch of business people were just very uptight, very anxious, yes.

14:59 Caller Yes, but my question is, I just wanted to know what your opinion was of Dr. Laura.

15:05 Drew I don't listen to her enough to have a real opinion. I worry about a lot of people in media who present themselves as one thing and don't really have the training or the clinical experience necessarily to get in the material they get into.

15:19 Adam Yeah, it's everybody but you.

15:21 Drew It's a lot of stuff.

15:23 Adam I listen to her on occasion and Jesus, she's more condescending than I am.

15:26 Caller She's awful.

15:27 Adam Yeah, she's mean as hell. I really, I listen to her and I go, oh man, this bitch is condescending. And then I think, oh wait a minute, you're kind of an a-hole yourself. But I thought, but I do it in a very loving way.

15:39 Drew You don't pretend to know what you're talking about.

15:42 Adam That is right. Thank you very much.

15:43 Drew You just pretend to know all, see all, but not really everything.

15:45 Caller So wait, so Dr. Drew, are you saying that she's misrepresenting it?

15:48 Drew Well, as I understand, her doctorate is not in anything in mental health.

15:53 Caller What is it in?

15:54 Drew It's like physiology or something, or geology or something. Yeah, it's like something completely outside the field. And I don't know what, I really can't quite get from what I read what her training is in. She certainly is not a clinical practitioner presently. But what's the issue?

16:10 Adam What's the issue? I don't like any shows where people get that stuff or they repeat stuff. Like they have their shows own saying, like, I always hate it when... My child? Yeah, I'm the mother of my children. What is this? I don't know what it means, but every time somebody calls in who listens to the show, like, you listen to Rush Limbaugh and people call in, they go, Megasuperditto's Rush, you know, and then they call in Lycus and they go, how are you, Tom? And he goes, do you care? And then you call in Dr. Laura and you go, Dr. Laura, I just want you to know I'm the father of my children. And the guy goes, thank you very much. Now ask your question. And I just hate that kind of repetitive crap on radio or television.

16:58 How about that asshole that says mahalo at the end of every show?

17:00 Adam Hey, come on, Anderson, please.

17:03 Drew But Susie, what specific issue?

17:04 Adam That's my trademark. That's different.

17:05 Drew What are you taking issue with here?

17:07 Caller No, I'm just taking issue because my parents listen to her sort of religiously and I and they sort of just take into everything that she says. They sort of take as gospel and I...

17:17 Adam Well, fine. But, you know, here's the whole thing about that is, is, you know, the people that listen to her are, you know, 40 and fine or 40 and screwed up. But who cares? I'd rather talk to screwed up 15 year olds and see if you can't stop them from making mistakes.

17:33 Drew When she gets in the areas that I've heard of issues of sort of opinions about, let's put it under sort of a heading of morality, I think she's pretty good actually. But when she when she talks about clinical stuff, I can tell she's had no experience in some of the areas she speaks in and it's like scary to me.

17:47 Caller All right.

17:48 Adam Well, she plugs her books.

17:50 Caller But her idea about having sex is just if you're going to have sex is to make babies. Like if you're having sex and not wanting to make babies, then you're deluding yourself.

17:59 Caller Right.

17:59 Adam Well, listen, listen, it's all fine for her because of her uterus has fallen out 10 years ago, you know, she had her fun, she had her kicks and now everyone else can not have sex. You know, it's ridiculous, but it's unrealistic, I think, to tell your audience, hey, stop having sex.

18:18 Drew Well, it's not, listen, if somebody's going to try to make a message that's clear.

18:21 Adam All right, fine. I don't think anyone's going to listen.

18:23 Drew Yeah, that's the problem.

18:24 Adam Okay. See, ours is just easy on the anal sex, which is a much more moderate position. All right, Susie, you want anything else?

18:32 Caller I have one other question.

18:33 Drew Yeah.

18:33 Caller A friend of mine told me about a contraceptive gel that you use sort of as a tampon that's supposed to work as a contraceptive. Is that a true story?

18:42 Drew Well, there's gels and suppositories and all sorts of things you can put inside as assistance in contraception, but they are useless by themselves, not very effective at all.

18:51 Adam You mean you need to use them in conjunction with something else?

18:54 Drew With a diaphragm, with a condom, with something else.

18:56 Adam Devon?

18:57 Yeah.

18:57 Adam You're 17. What's up?

19:00 Caller Well, I have anal sex with my girlfriend.

19:03 Adam No, you don't.

19:04 Drew And you're not 17.

19:05 Caller Yeah, I am. No.

19:07 Adam What year were you born?

19:09 Drew There you go.

19:10 Adam You retard.

19:12 Disqualified.

19:14 Adam Come on, Tardo. You got to figure out the year you were born before you call and claim to be a certain age, don't you?

19:20 Caller I'm 17.

19:21 Adam Yeah, what year were you born? Why would you not tell me the year you were born?

19:30 Caller I'm 1982.

19:31 Adam All right. It only took you five minutes to figure that one out.

19:34 Caller Why would you not think I'm not 17?

19:37 Adam Because you sound like you're 13.

19:39 Caller I'm not.

19:39 Adam Your voice changes when you have anal sex.

19:43 Caller Oh, no, it doesn't.

19:45 Adam Yes, it does.

19:47 Caller Why would it change my voice?

19:49 Adam Because you go from sounding like Linus on Charlie Brown to Paul Bunyan when you have anal sex. And you don't sound like Paul Bunyan. You sound like Linus.

20:04 Caller I sound like Paul Bunyan.

20:06 Adam All right. What grade are you in?

20:07 Caller I'm a senior.

20:09 Adam You're a senior?

20:10 Caller I'm a senior.

20:11 Adam Uh-huh. What high school are you going to?

20:13 Caller San Marino.

20:13 Adam When do you graduate?

20:15 Caller What?

20:15 Adam What's your sign?

20:17 Caller I can't hear you.

20:18 Adam What is your sign?

20:19 Caller I'm a Sagittarius.

20:20 Adam I knew it. I knew it. All right, Devon, what do you want?

20:25 Caller I want to know, well, I want to know how it can be easier for me to have anal sex with my girlfriend.

20:30 Adam What's the problem?

20:31 Caller Well, it hurts her.

20:33 Adam So you've done this before?

20:35 Caller Once, but it was unsuccessful.

20:38 Adam It was unsuccessful?

20:39 Caller Yeah.

20:40 Adam Okay. Well, you're going to upset her, so don't do it.

20:44 Caller I shouldn't?

20:44 Adam No.

20:45 Drew Well, now go ahead and yell something out.

20:47 Adam Go. Okay. All right, Devon. All right. Take care. All right. I don't know. Maybe it was him. Maybe he was 17. I don't know.

20:58 Drew Whatever it was, I got to tell it wasn't real from the beginning. It's funny. One of the editors at drdrew.com called us like five years ago. She won't tell me what she called about. She called when she was at UC Santa Cruz and asked us something. I wouldn't believe her. She said it was a true question.

21:12 Adam Oh, really? Well, that happens. All right. Let me say this, Drew. I just came up with another fabulous idea to go with my courtesy flesh placard on the inside of the door of the restroom.

21:22 Drew You've been ruminating and cogitating about this ever since the show started, huh?

21:25 Adam No. This doesn't have to do with that. This is something else. This involves the human anatomy. It seems to me there should be a third input between the vagina and the anus. That's sort of an intermediate. You know what I'm saying?

21:40 Drew A hole?

21:41 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Orifice. I mean, you think about it. Vagina's nice, but, you know, guys get a little bored with that after the first couple days of sex, you know?

21:51 Drew Sure there should be something further in the back?

21:53 Adam The anus, well, I don't know where to put it exactly. I'm saying the anus then becomes kind of a tall order. It's a big leap. You know what I'm saying? So you're going from the vagina, and the girl's like, yeah, I'm all right with that. And then you go, all right, well, let's step it up to the next level here. Let's go for the anus. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, too much. Too big a jump. It's like from running from first base across the pitchers mound to third base. I say there needs to be a second base in there. A little bit tighter than the vagina. You know what I'm saying? But not quite as puckery as the anus. And without all the sort of negative implications of the anus, you know what I'm saying? And a nice stepping stone to the anus. Something a guy could sort of cut his teeth on. A woman could feel comfortable with. You know what I'm saying?

22:39 Drew So I see the really attractive female being one with a rectal fistula.

22:44 Adam Right. The rectal fistula, is that hemorrhoid?

22:51 Drew It's like an erosion that goes from the rectum out through the skin.

22:56 Adam Oh really? Something you could get in? Something I could get in? See we're starting to work together, Drew. That's good. I set you right up. I underhanded you that one and you just knocked it out of the ballpark. All right. I'm going to work on my third orifice idea with Drew's Marks a Lock board during the break. When we come back we'll speak to Candice. She's 17, was denied sex and has been crying and freaking out ever since. She wants to know what's up with her, we'll tell her after this.

23:36 Caller We'll be right back with more.

23:42 It's Loveline.

23:43 W-E-B-N.

23:57 Adam It is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew. Just donning me that the Man Show would be starting about now, if and you were listening to this show. Which episode? On the One Day Delay. The Big Thanksgiving. Extravaganza. What the hell happened on that one? Yeah, I don't remember what was on it, but it was good.

24:21 Drew Good, of course.

24:24 Adam Right?

24:24 Drew Of course.

24:26 Adam Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. That is Drew. I'm Adam. What the hell happened to my pen? Where were we?

24:35 Drew It's Candace.

24:36 Adam Candace.

24:37 Caller Yeah.

24:37 Adam What's up?

24:38 Caller Hi, how are you?

24:39 Caller Good.

24:42 Caller I have a comment for Adam. I just want to let you know, I think you're gorgeous.

24:47 Adam Really?

24:51 And to Dr. Drew, you're great.

24:53 Caller I always listen to your show, First Time Caller. I think you guys are bomb.

24:56 Adam He's not as good looking as I am?

24:58 Huh?

24:59 Adam Not as good looking as I am?

25:00 Caller No.

25:01 Adam No.

25:02 I'm sorry.

25:02 Caller Am I allowed to say that?

25:03 Adam It's all right.

25:05 Drew It's good about Adam because he-

25:06 Adam Yeah. You can't hide. I mean, for the truth.

25:08 Caller You can't hide your emotions.

25:10 Adam That's right. What do you like about me physically?

25:14 Caller This is going to sound really weird, but-

25:16 Adam Oh, no.

25:17 Drew Unibrow.

25:18 Caller You're hairy and I like that.

25:23 Adam I was digging my- I knew I was digging myself in. You know, I'm not really that hairy a guy for a guy with a lot of brow and head hair.

25:35 Caller I still think it's sexy. I mean, I've had like many fantasies about you.

25:39 Adam Oh, really?

25:40 Caller I don't care who knows because I just think you're gorgeous.

25:42 Adam Wow.

25:43 Drew That's good to know there's somebody out there, Adam.

25:44 Caller It's good.

25:46 Drew It's nice.

25:47 Caller You got a compliment.

25:48 Adam All right.

25:48 Drew You know, this business of hairy back came up on the television.

25:51 Adam When are you going to be 18?

25:52 Caller I might be 18.

25:53 Adam Yeah. When?

25:54 Caller December.

25:56 Adam Oh, okay. All right.

25:57 Drew Yeah.

25:57 Adam Go ahead, Drew.

25:58 Drew Remember we were talking about hairy backs on the television program and how women have deemed that just awful now?

26:03 Adam Right.

26:04 Drew I really gave that some thought. You know, that's probably why humans have evolved hairless. Is it the female in the specie has decided taking it that way? Well, you know, if they if they don't reproduce with the hairy guy, hairiness gets bred out of the population.

26:19 Adam Dr. Dr. Marcel, your plastic surgeon buddy over there is got the laser thing. And that's where a lot of his work is going on on guys' backs. Could you imagine that? I don't have hair on my back, contrary to popular demand. It all settled on my ass. It used to be on my back. I think my back is like a glacier or something. It just settled. The skin that used to be around my shoulder blades, Drew, is now on my ass. And my nipples, they're on my shoulders. That's where they went. My penis is where my sternum is. It's tough.

26:59 Caller It's here to get to.

27:00 Adam Oh yeah. All right, Candace.

27:04 Drew All right, Candace, what's going on here?

27:05 Caller Okay, so.

27:06 Drew This girl's messed up.

27:07 Caller All right, I consider myself kind of a nympho. I love to have sex. I think sex is wonderful. I promote it as long as it's safe. And you know what you're doing.

27:17 Drew With one person, multiple people?

27:19 Adam How do you promote it? Do you have a bullhorn or what do you use to promote it?

27:23 Caller No, I pass out flyers. No, actually, no, it's just when people talk to me about it, I say, you know what? Sex is all cool. You know, I'm not going to knock you if you do it before you're married. Just make sure you're safe.

27:35 Adam Right.

27:35 Drew All right. So it's not you're not acting out wildly.

27:37 Adam Sort of a sexual ambassador.

27:39 Drew Yeah.

27:40 Caller Just walk down the street and say, hey, baby, what's up?

27:42 Adam All right. So what's your story?

27:45 Caller OK, I've been a sexual actor for about four years. And I've been with the same five people. But it's like very often, like every day, every other day, same basketball team for all four years, same five people.

27:58 Drew What do you mean?

27:59 Caller Pretty much.

27:59 Drew What does that mean?

28:00 Adam And how does that work? What do you mean the same five people?

28:04 Caller They're just people that I've I've known since, you know, growing up wise, I've known I've known the people.

28:10 Drew And I mean, they're currently in rotation or they've been five people over the course of four years.

28:15 Caller There's been five people. And there's two that I'm seeing right now that every once in a while, or not every once in a while, but I'll be with one for a couple of days. And then the next and then I'll go to the other person for a couple of days. And every once in a while, the person from like a couple of years ago will pop back in my life and we'll hook up, make a cameo. Yeah, kind of. They'll make like a little appearance and then disappear and then make another.

28:40 Adam Hold on a second. I may want to do some gambling. Yeah, yeah. All right. I'm going to do some gambling. Little, uh, man-o, man-o type of gambling here, Drew.

28:50 Drew I'm not entirely clear what's going on.

28:52 Adam Well, I'm not either. Well, look at me. I'm such a big shot. All I got is 20s. Jesus Christ. You know, you don't think about me, the reason I always have less money than I think. I always remember taking money from the ATM and exactly how much it is, but I never remember spending any of it.

29:08 Drew Right.

29:08 Adam So if I take 400 bucks or 300 bucks out of an ATM, two weeks later, when I pull my wallet out, you expect 300 bucks, expect 300 bucks to be in there. And when there's one hundred and four dollars or 22 bucks or whatever, I think somebody must have robbed me because there's no way I could have spent that money.

29:26 Drew You've got people crawling over your house all the time. Probably somebody did rob you.

29:28 Adam Well, you may be right. All right. Listen, I don't have a dollar.

29:32 Drew Do you forgot the guy that dumped in your bathtub, by the way?

29:36 Adam No, I don't know who took a crap in my bathtub. I'm putting the 20 up there, and then I'm taking back when you went. All right. Here's what I'm going with, Candice. I'm going hippie family.

29:47 Drew Oh, that was mine, too.

29:48 Adam Oh, really?

29:49 Drew Go ahead. Go ahead. You got it first.

29:50 Adam Well, there you go. See, I'm either... My impulse is either hippie or like totally religious freak-o, but I'm going hippie.

29:59 Drew Hippie and what plus? It's got hippie plus something.

30:01 Adam Hippie plus sprinkling of substance. Dad smokes a lot of weed, maybe out of the scene. Not a bad guy, just sort of empathetic, smokes a lot of weed, endorses the hippie lifestyle. Maybe the guy's a graphic artist or something.

30:15 Drew I got the disconnect thing. And I think that's, yeah, that's sort of that. I'll add in like lots of lots of sexual exposure by the age of like eight. Like maybe we've seen their parents or seen people doing a lot of skinny dipping over at the house. Yes, or pictures or something.

30:30 Adam Okay. Not a bad bet in this day and age. Candice?

30:35 Caller Yes.

30:35 Adam All right. Let's talk about your history for a second.

30:38 Caller Okay. First of all, I heard you saying, first of all, I've never been sexually abused. I've never been touched by.

30:43 Drew We didn't say that.

30:44 Adam No, that's not the bet.

30:45 Drew That's not the one we came up with.

30:46 Adam It usually is, but not this time.

30:48 Caller Okay. I never walked in on my parents. Thank God. My father passed away four years ago, so he's not around.

30:55 Adam Bong exploded.

30:57 Caller What do you mean?

30:57 Adam Was he a hippie?

30:59 Caller No, not at all. Not at all. I'm a very nineties person.

31:03 Adam What did your dad do for a living?

31:05 Caller He worked at a refinery.

31:08 Adam I knew it.

31:09 Caller A refinery. I don't know. He did something there. I don't know.

31:14 Adam Refined things? Is it, is it, is it mean you work in oil production?

31:19 Caller Yeah. No, he worked on the computers at a refinery, like shipping.

31:24 Adam All right. What'd he die of?

31:26 Caller Huh?

31:27 Adam What did he die of?

31:28 Caller Suicide.

31:30 Drew Interesting, interesting.

31:31 Caller So they say. There was a weak investigation. They're not sure.

31:34 Drew He was not an alcoholic or?

31:36 Caller He was actually.

31:37 Drew Okay. Adam got that.

31:39 Caller I'm not. I go to AA. I'm actually sober. I don't do drugs.

31:42 Drew Well, you're a sex addict though. And you've got to start dealing with that.

31:45 Caller Yeah.

31:45 Drew You've got to deal with that.

31:46 Adam So your dad was an alcoholic. And what was the family life like? Your mom and him were together before his suicide?

31:55 Caller Actually, they got divorced when I was two. And my stepmother and my father raised me. And I visited my biological mother on weekends. And the family life was OK.

32:06 Drew What was up to your biological mom as you couldn't handle raising you?

32:10 Caller It wasn't that. It's just in the process of divorcing my biological mother. He had a job. He had gotten another place. And he was already in the process of getting married to my stepmother.

32:22 Drew That doesn't matter.

32:24 Caller No. My mother is like a gorgeous, gorgeous woman. And he didn't want her to work because he thought that she would leave him. So she didn't have a job. She lost the place because he was he stopped coming around. So the story goes.

32:39 Drew That's a pure story.

32:40 Adam So when they went to court, was he riding on a pegasus when he came in?

32:46 Caller My dad went to court. He had it all together. And my mom didn't.

32:50 Drew So what's up with your mom? Why was she so... I mean, when it came down to the time that she had to try to obtain custody of her child, she couldn't get it together.

33:01 Caller All I know from the stories is that from my dad's side, oh, we told her mom when the court dates were and she never went.

33:09 Drew What is up with your mom?

33:11 Adam She never went to the court dates to get her kid.

33:13 Drew I mean, what is up with your mom? She just can't handle her life?

33:16 Caller My mom is a tremendous lager.

33:20 Adam She smoke a lot of pot?

33:22 Caller Who?

33:22 Drew Your mom.

33:23 Adam Who? Jesus, what are you, retarded Candace? Answer our goddamn questions, would you? I swear to Christ, I'll hang up on you.

33:30 Caller Oh, no, please don't. No, she doesn't do anything.

33:33 Adam She doesn't drink. She doesn't smoke weed. She just couldn't get out of the house to go to court.

33:41 Caller Exactly.

33:41 Adam To get the custody of her daughter.

33:44 Caller I don't know.

33:45 Drew What's up with her now?

33:45 Adam Is she depressed?

33:47 Caller Yes, probably she was because her husband was leaving her. You know, maybe she didn't want me. I don't know.

33:54 Drew Well, Candace, you got a lot of baggage here and you're clearly not dealing with this in your recovery. You've got to start talking about these awful feelings that have got to be there from these experiences with your sponsor. That four steps got to be a little deeper and included in that the way you're engaging in your relationship with males because that's going to continue to be sort of a source of managing feelings rather than a way of establishing intimacy and actually growing as a person.

34:19 Caller Well, see, everything was okay until I...

34:23 Adam Now, your dad committed suicide, your mom basically didn't want you. I mean...

34:28 Drew It's awful.

34:29 Caller Everything, I mean, being an info and wanting to have sex and experimenting and all that stuff was okay until I was recently denied by my best friend's roommate because of my age.

34:41 Drew Well, look, it's just addressing reality. When reality creeps in, it reminds you of what you're actually doing and it's an awful situation you're in.

34:50 Adam All right, Candace, is anyone a hippie in your family?

34:53 Caller Not that I know of, I know of, but.

34:57 Adam Yeah, I think I may have lost a part.

34:59 Drew No, no, we both were off.

35:00 Adam All right, we push. Hey, Candace, forget about the sex part. There's big issues here.

35:04 Drew This is about, the sex is just there to make you feel better in the moment. It's not, you're not using it for anything else and it will just reinforce your status quo emotionally, which is not going to be a successful place for you in the long term.

35:14 Adam Gabrielle?

35:15 Yes.

35:15 Adam Year 24?

35:16 Drew Gabriel.

35:17 Adam Gabriel.

35:18 Yeah.

35:18 Adam I don't know. Is there a different spelling?

35:20 Drew Yeah.

35:20 Adam There is?

35:21 Drew L-L-E.

35:22 Adam Is that how it goes?

35:23 Caller No.

35:23 Adam All right. Anyway, I'm going to call you Gabe. What's up?

35:27 Caller I'm calling to see. I mean, I want to get a visectomy because I don't want more kids. I have three.

35:32 Adam You have three?

35:33 Caller Yes. I want to know if it means shrink, make it smaller and does it-

35:39 Drew Make your penis smaller?

35:40 Caller Yeah.

35:41 Drew No.

35:42 Caller Time, you know? No.

35:44 Adam Do you think-

35:44 Caller Time or what?

35:45 Drew No.

35:46 Adam No. Your penis grows.

35:48 Drew Apparently gives you like a unbelievable orgasm the first time after you've had your operation.

35:52 Adam That's why I've had 26 of the procedures.

35:55 Drew It can sometimes not work. Of course, there's the infection of bleeding and complications of anesthesia, but beyond that, it's a pretty safe procedure.

36:04 Adam All right. When we come back, I think we should talk to, let's see, 28, what about number one there?

36:11 Drew Okay.

36:12 Adam Huh?

36:13 Drew Yeah.

36:13 Adam Huh? What?

36:14 Drew Yeah.

36:15 Adam What's this one? I saw boobs. Hold on. Jen?

36:18 Yeah?

36:19 Adam You're 15?

36:19 Caller Yep.

36:20 Adam Your sister's 28-year-old boyfriend is staring at your boobs?

36:23 Yeah, like, he...

36:25 Adam How big are your boobs?

36:26 Caller Huh?

36:26 Adam Are they big?

36:27 Caller Um, these.

36:29 Adam These? Yeah.

36:30 Caller Wow.

36:32 Caller But, yeah.

36:32 Adam All right.

36:33 Caller All right.

36:34 Caller Like, he'll like come over and like...

36:36 Adam Stare?

36:38 Caller Yeah.

36:38 Adam Yeah. Well, that's what guys do when they see these.

36:41 Drew Hold on. Wait. Hold on a second.

36:43 Adam No, no. That's all right.

36:44 Caller But that's not it, so...

36:45 Adam Yeah. You want to talk? You want to confront him or you want to confront your sister?

36:50 Caller See, that's not the only thing he does, like...

36:52 Adam Uh-oh. All right. Well, then hold on. If that's not all he's doing, then we'll get to the bottom of it. If it's just looking, I was ready just to say, oh, hell, ignore him, go to the other room, put a bathrobe on.

37:02 Drew Well, you know, we're also going to talk to her about, maybe this is her first experience with this whole thing that she's going to have to deal with for quite some time.

37:07 Adam I bet she's had other similar experiences in her 10 or 15 years. All right, we'll be back.

37:14 Caller Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

37:18 Adam Well, it's worth hearing.

37:27 Caller The radio that keeps you up at night, it's Loveline, only on WEBN.

37:36 Adam Listen, I'm going, I'm going, I'm not gonna give, I have a recipe I wanna give out, but I'll give that out tomorrow. I'm going to my cousin Greg's.

37:45 Drew Oh, you see him every year, don't you?

37:46 Adam Yeah, he's out in Simi Valley this year. I don't know what it, I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is with the family, but unless, I'm like a Jew going through the desert, unless I spend an hour and a half on the road, it's not Thanksgiving. Unless I get cleaned out by some trucker on the 118, it's not Thanksgiving, you know?

38:06 Drew You're gonna need security at Simi Valley.

38:08 Adam Jesus Christ, so I'm bringing my own cranberry sauce, because, and I pulled it out last year. I showed up at Vince and Pat's, you know, my cousins, and Pat went for that can opener, and I said, Pat, you got a lovely spread here. I don't want to offend you, but I brought my own goddamn cranberry sauce, because I may be white trash, but I'm not albino trash like the rest of this family, and I'm eating real goddamn cranberries. That's the way the Pilgrims would have wanted it. They get that gelatinized stuff and they carve it up into those little medallions, and you try to stab with your fork and it goes sliding off the plate. These little trail of red stuff. What the hell is up with that? I'm telling you, grab a pen and pencil. Tomorrow night, everybody, wait a minute. What about tomorrow night with the people that are east of the Mississippi?

39:03 Drew Uh-uh.

39:04 Adam Yeah, that's not gonna work. They're gonna get the message a day late because it shows delayed.

39:09 Drew You know what?

39:09 Adam I gotta deliver it.

39:10 Drew Just one second, though. East of Mississippi, they know how to practice Thanksgiving. They do. It's lame out here.

39:15 Adam There could be some transplants from the valley, though. You never know. I wanna play it safe. Now listen to me, all you screwballs. And I'm deadly serious about this. There's only a couple of issues I have in life, a couple of causes.

39:29 Drew Oh, everyone who listens knows that.

39:31 Adam One has to do with the garbage man showing up at 6:30 a.m. and the male showing up at 4.30 in the afternoon. That's one thing I'd like to work on. The other thing is the morning after pill. And then comes the cranberry sauce. Every year, I go to one of these, I go to Thanksgiving and somebody opens a can of cranberry sauce. And I'm telling you, this is unacceptable. Unacceptable. You might as well grab some Lewis Rich turkey slices in the cold cut form and crack open that package in lieu of eating a turkey while you're at it. You lazy sons of bitches. So listen all you moms and dads and anyone who's doing the cooking out there. Listen to this recipe. And this is the part that gets insulting about it, Drew. This is the part that hurts the most. It is the easiest thing you're going to make Thanksgiving is the cranberry sauce. This is a layup. Here it is. You need a sack of cranberries. Just one of those sacks about the size of a brick with some loose cranberries in it. You can get it at any store. It's like $1.50. One sack of that, one cup of sugar, one cup of water. Put the whole thing in a saucepan, put the lid on, bring it to a boil, let it simmer for five minutes, done. That is it.

40:53 Drew Put some walnuts in there or anything?

40:56 Adam I go for a little lemon peel floating around there. Gives it a little extra zest. But this is it. Cup of sugar, cup of water, sack of cranberries, put it all in a pot, put the flame on, put the lid on, five minutes, done.

41:12 Drew Boiled for five minutes or just five minutes?

41:13 Adam Yeah, I don't know. It's just, yeah, it's done. They start popping, the little cranberries when they heat up. That is it. You barely have to stir it, you don't have to do anything. That's it. Cup of sugar, cup of water, sack of cranberries, done. Please, opening that can. The temerity. Man, am I insulted. And usually by then I've had a couple glasses of wine in me and the insults start flying across the table and then it gets dicey. Jen?

41:41 Caller Yeah?

41:41 Adam You're 15.

41:42 Caller Yep.

41:44 Adam You got, what did your parents do last year for Thanksgiving? They opened some cranberry sauce?

41:48 Caller We did nothing. We just, actually, yeah, I don't know. We don't have cranberries.

41:53 Adam You don't have cranberries?

41:55 Caller I just copied down your recipe so I'm going to make it.

41:56 Adam Did you?

41:57 Caller Yep.

41:58 Adam God bless you.

41:59 Caller Yep.

41:59 Caller I'm going to be making it.

42:00 Adam All right. And more importantly, not only will Jen be making it, but hopefully Jen's kids will make it one day too.

42:06 Caller Yes. I'll pass down the recipe.

42:08 Adam Thank you.

42:08 Drew Bring it in to this travesty.

42:09 Adam Yeah. Oh my God. What's up, Jen?

42:13 Caller Um, yeah, I was talking to you about...

42:14 Adam You got with the boobs, right? But... Listen, you shouldn't be cooking with those boobs. You should have help. All right. So you have a D-size cup.

42:23 Caller Yeah.

42:24 Adam And your sister's 28-year-old boyfriend stares at you.

42:29 Caller Yeah.

42:29 Caller And also, like, he'll look down at my pants, like at my crotch and stuff. And this last Halloween, we went to a haunted house and he was in front of me and he reached behind me and he's playing with, you know, down there and I hit him, you know, I don't know what to do.

42:43 Drew Hit him. That's right. That's what you do.

42:45 Caller Really?

42:45 Drew How old is your sister?

42:47 Caller I'll yell at people, you know, like, I don't know why.

42:50 Drew No, it's good. It's healthy. How old is your sister?

42:52 Caller She's 25.

42:54 Drew She's 25.

42:55 Caller Yeah. Does she have some three kids from before?

42:57 Adam He has kids?

42:58 Caller Yeah.

42:59 Adam Yeah. Man, did I smell some kids there.

43:02 Caller And she just had a kid and now she's pregnant again.

43:06 Adam And who's this guy? This isn't the father of any of them or?

43:08 Caller Yeah, it's the father of his three kids and then her kid that she just had.

43:13 Drew He has three and she has one.

43:15 Caller Yeah. And with another one.

43:17 Drew Oh, my God.

43:18 Adam She should be sterilized.

43:19 Drew This is this is the 90s Brady Bunch. There it is.

43:21 Adam What's he do for a living? Do construction or is he work on cars?

43:26 Caller He works on cars, actually, and he works on like at this glass place.

43:30 Caller Yeah. But he still he works at a glass place.

43:35 Caller He makes glass windows.

43:37 Adam Oh, boy. Oh, that's construction. Maybe does like sliding doors and sashes and things like that. Yeah. And I've told my sister and I listen, Jen, this thing's a mess.

43:52 Drew Just stay away from this.

43:53 Adam Stay away from him.

43:53 Drew Stay away.

43:54 Adam Don't go to the haunted house with him.

43:55 Drew Don't be anywhere with this guy.

43:57 Adam Seriously, Jen, you make that cranberry.

43:59 Drew Tell your dad he's been doing this.

44:00 Adam I think your dad's around.

44:02 Drew Yeah.

44:03 Adam Jen, is your dad around?

44:04 Caller Yeah, he's around.

44:05 Adam He is? Your real dad?

44:08 Caller Yeah.

44:08 Adam Where is he?

44:09 Caller He's at volleyball right now.

44:11 Drew Well, tell him.

44:12 Adam Is it volleyball?

44:13 Drew Oh.

44:13 Adam Your dad's gay?

44:14 Caller No.

44:15 Drew Tell him about it.

44:16 Adam What's he doing at volleyball?

44:17 Caller Playing volleyball? I don't know.

44:19 Adam Your dad's gay?

44:20 Caller No.

44:21 Caller Heck no.

44:22 Adam He's playing volleyball?

44:23 Caller I'm married. Yes, he's played volleyball ever since forever.

44:26 Adam Your dad's gay?

44:27 Drew Oh, no. Wait, you live in a beach city?

44:29 Caller Huh?

44:29 Drew You live in a beach city?

44:30 Caller No, we live right here in Washington.

44:34 Adam Okay. Tell your dad about this guy then.

44:36 Caller Yeah, I've told people.

44:38 Adam Tell your dad. Tell your dad. Hopefully, he'll spike one of those voids on this guy's head. Roy?

44:45 Yeah.

44:45 Adam You're 19?

44:46 Caller Yeah.

44:47 Adam Your girlfriend refuses to shave her bikini area?

44:50 Caller Yeah, I got a couple of questions real quick.

44:53 Adam Is that the question, Roy? That's one of them. That's one of them?

44:56 Caller Yeah, it is.

44:57 Adam All right, hold on there, Roy. Hey, Roy, we're gonna take a break, and then when we come back, you're gonna be semi-coherent.

45:05 Caller Okay.

45:06 Drew And clear? And clear?

45:08 Adam You'll speak in a clear and present tone?

45:10 Caller Sure.

45:10 Adam Okay, hold on a second. We'll be back. I'll give my recipe for stuffing when we come back, and that'll all be after this.

45:21 Caller Love Lines with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

45:38 Adam It is Loveline, we're gonna take a quick 10-second time out, and we'll be back with more of the show in just 10 seconds. Yeah, it is Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla, that is Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. I just sent Drew back to the bathroom to assess the damage that had gone on there in round two. As you know, we started the show off tonight by saying it was impossible to use the bathroom here at Westwood 1 because someone went Westwood 2.

46:19 Drew You didn't spray all that Lysol in there, did you?

46:21 Adam That wasn't me.

46:22 Drew Somebody really went down and then like tried covering.

46:25 Adam Yeah, you went and opened the bathroom door again, right?

46:27 Drew Yeah, yeah. Somebody's got a problem.

46:29 Adam Wow. Drew is a physician.

46:32 Drew I'm concerned.

46:33 Adam Does that clear us in here? Yeah, I think you guys are off the hook.

46:38 Drew Anderson was missing for a couple of minutes there.

46:41 Adam Anderson did get up. Yeah, but that seemed like a good 45 minutes worth of damage that was done in there.

46:47 Drew Whoever's doing it is trying to cover now. I couldn't breathe the Lysol almost maybe past.

46:51 Adam Yeah, but you could feel the heat. But they didn't have the fart fan on. What kind of sadist, kind of a sick twisted individual does not turn the fart fan on after they've damn near destroyed a bathroom? You know what I mean?

47:07 Drew You.

47:07 Adam How energy efficient are you that you've got to flip the fart fan off when you walk away, when you've just destroyed a room? And possibly a building.

47:16 Drew I think males must have some sort of instinct to let it leave their stuff around, you know?

47:20 Adam I'd rather the guy just, you know, peed on my leg than did that to the bathroom. That is just, I went and took a crap in the parking lot, Drew, if you knew that. I just couldn't go out there. I just couldn't go into that bathroom again. So funny that we started the top of the show with that, and here we are at the halfway point. Still, he is struck again. The mad asser.

47:45 Caller Hey, how you guys doing?

47:46 Adam Roy, you're 19. What's up?

47:48 Caller Oh, not much. I saw you guys Friday night, Friday over in Hollywood. Where the Loveline on MTV production. We had the guy left the bag of candy on the couch. That was pretty neat.

47:59 Adam Oh, yeah. Right. The warm up guy.

48:01 Caller Yeah. But I had a question. My girlfriend been with her about three months and she's not down with shaving downstairs.

48:09 Adam Yeah. Well, how does it manifest itself? Is there hair coming out the side of her panties?

48:18 Caller Kind of not really. And, you know, she said she shaved already and she shaved like, like, what'd you shave? And didn't shave nothing early.

48:25 Adam Well, how bushy is it?

48:27 Caller It's pretty bad.

48:28 Adam Look like a dwarf's beard.

48:30 Caller Yeah. I'm not down with it. Yeah.

48:32 Caller All right.

48:32 Adam So did you ask her to clean it up down there?

48:35 Caller Yeah.

48:36 Caller And I really don't know how the polite way is going about saying it.

48:38 Adam So you haven't said anything.

48:40 Caller Yeah.

48:41 Adam Why don't you... I'll tell you what. Do you perform oral sex on her?

48:45 Caller Yeah. It's kind of nasty.

48:46 Adam You do?

48:47 Caller I don't like it.

48:48 Adam Yeah. Listen, you perform oral sex on her, right?

48:53 Caller Yeah.

48:54 Adam Okay. So I bet he must have amazing technique with that way he's able to unhinge his jaw when he talks. You know what I'm saying? Listen, Roy. It's funny his name is Roy too. You need to tell her that in order for you to do a better job in the oral sex department, if she could trim it back a little bit down there, it enable you, it would enhance your ability to do your job.

49:27 Drew And he doesn't know if she has some objection to it. She just hasn't done it. She may not really understand.

49:31 Adam She may not be hip to it. Let me tell you, the thing about the vagina, Drew, you listen, if it's well-groomed, it makes the oral experience that much easier. Things are just more accessible. When it's not well-groomed, it's like, you know when your kid in the tennis ball would go into the ivy, playing like a little stickball out on the street, you'd all spend like an hour and 45 minutes, you have to stop the game, everyone would be thrashing through the same...

50:01 Drew You have to keep retracing your steps.

50:03 Adam Yeah, where to go? I swear to God, I saw it go in right here. It's lost and you get into like a sprinkler key in a mop panel, you start swiping at ivy and you can't figure out where that goddamn ball went. What are we talking about?

50:17 Drew I don't know. Let's go on.

50:18 Adam That is what it's like when a man performs oral sex on a hairy woman. His tongue becomes a tennis ball that gets lost in the ivy, all right? So you ladies, you keep that ivy trimmed and we find the tennis ball. Bill?

50:32 Caller Yes.

50:33 Adam And 23.

50:34 Caller Yes.

50:35 Adam What's up? Hey, Drew?

50:37 Drew Yeah.

50:37 Adam Do you remember, though, when losing stuff in the ivy was a major part of your existence?

50:42 Drew Yeah, every day.

50:43 Adam Like from age five to 13, you lost stuff in the ivy?

50:47 Drew Constantly.

50:48 Adam You get older, you never lose anything in the ivy anymore. It's been 10 years since anything has perished in the ivy.

50:54 Drew Tennis balls, frisbees, baseballs.

50:57 Adam It's like I spent half of my childhood in a pile of ivy.

51:01 Drew Rockets.

51:02 Adam Thrashing around for stuff. Yeah, everything, this ivy just enveloped everything, just engulfed everything. So some kind of, I think it's the equivalent to a black hole when you're seven years old, is ivy. Bill?

51:14 Caller Yes.

51:14 Adam All right. So what's up with you?

51:16 Caller Well, I'm having a affair with a married woman. All right. After three weeks, she said she's fallen in love. Don't get me wrong, I like this girl a lot, but she's only been married for just over two months, and she's starting to turn a little psychotic on me.

51:33 Adam Why did you guys?

51:34 Drew Yeah.

51:34 Adam What are you? Are you in a relationship?

51:37 Caller Am I in a relationship other than this one?

51:39 Drew Right.

51:40 Caller No.

51:40 Drew How did you get involved in this?

51:42 Caller Coworker.

51:45 Adam So you're free and clear, but she's married. Right. Yeah.

51:50 Drew What did she say about this marriage?

51:52 Caller So-called.

51:54 Caller She's like on a roller coaster of emotions. She wants to stay married, she wants to get divorced. I don't think she really knows what's going on in her mind.

52:01 Drew Something going wrong with this marriage before she got married?

52:04 Caller Oh, yes. She told me that he's beat her several times. All right.

52:10 Adam Does she have any kids?

52:12 Caller No.

52:13 Adam Well, if he is beating her and she wants out of the relationship, why don't you tell her to end the relationship?

52:21 Caller I don't like to be considered a homewrecker.

52:24 Adam Well, it's too late there, Crowbar Penis. Hey, that's a good name for me. Crowbar Penis. I think that's a little bumpy. It really gets the message across. Hey, Bill. Yes. Here's what you need to say to her. Listen, what happens with you and myself, I don't know. And I'm not telling you this because of me. I'm just saying if you're with a guy, you don't want to be with him and he's beating on you or has beaten you and you don't have any kids and you've only been married for two months, I don't know if you can get an annulment after two months or how it works, you should nip this thing now.

53:02 Drew You can make a domestic violence report and things will unravel rather quickly, I bet you.

53:06 Caller Well, he's not around in the moment. He's in a military boot camp.

53:09 Adam Perfect. Jesus Christ. All right, Bill, but she's got problems and you don't want her nesting with you.

53:18 Caller Right.

53:19 Adam I guarantee she has issues.

53:21 Caller Yes, she does.

53:21 Adam She would not be with this private black eye if, jeez, I could have come up with something better than that.

53:29 Drew I sense real trouble for Bill. I mean, no matter what his move is, she's going to create hell, chaos.

53:34 Adam And a possible bayonetting.

53:36 Caller Well, a lot of people tell me I'm like attracted to the chaos, so.

53:39 Drew Well, there's no doubt about that.

53:40 Adam All right, Bill, here's the deal. You're done with this one. She's nutty. She's nutty.

53:46 Drew That's probably your best move.

53:48 Adam You're getting in. You're getting dug in. You understand, Bill?

53:53 Caller Yes, definitely.

53:53 Adam All right. Why don't you just find yourself a nice, single nutty chick?

53:58 Caller Because they all go nutty.

53:59 Adam No, they don't all go nutty. You just find the nutty ones. All right, Bill? All right.

54:04 Caller All right.

54:05 Adam Listen, it's true, 95% of them are nutty, but that's not all of them. Fred?

54:10 Caller Yeah.

54:10 Adam You're 14.

54:12 Caller Yeah.

54:13 Adam Hey, you're 14. You should be called Freddie.

54:17 Caller Okay.

54:17 Adam All right, Freddie.

54:19 Caller Just want to say, Adam, you're funny, you're some crap. And Drew, you're awesome.

54:23 Adam Thank you.

54:24 Caller Thank you. There's this girl I've liked since like 5th grade, and I'm in 8th grade now, and her friends have like a really big influence on her. And I just haven't found anybody that I want to ask out until now. And if her friends didn't want me to go out with her, they'd be able to convince her not to. So I don't know what to do about it.

54:46 Drew Do you have a reason to believe they wouldn't want you to go out with her?

54:50 Caller Well, they're like top-notch popular.

54:53 Caller I'm middle of the road.

54:55 Adam Middle or just a little bit north of that?

54:58 Drew South.

54:59 Caller A little north.

55:01 Adam A little north or a little south? You know, the problem is with me farting out here is I dump so much talc down my pants before I leave the house that the farts just make, first off they make a cloud and secondly they smell like talcum.

55:18 Drew This is puff. Poof.

55:19 Adam They should smell like fartum. Hey, Fred, listen here, goofball. If this chick likes you and you like this chick, you should go out with her and she's not going to listen to her friends. And I don't know why her friends would try to talk them her out of you, but it will be a nice excuse you can use to sort of ease the pain if she doesn't want to go out with you.

55:42 Drew Listen to Adam.

55:43 Adam Sounds like Fred is already setting himself up with this.

55:45 Drew Yeah. But Adam had a popular girl choose to go out with him in spite of her friends wishes.

55:50 Adam That's true.

55:51 Drew Remember?

55:52 Adam Yeah. I had my friend, it was funny, I just looked through the window at Anderson, he was laughing and I thought, hey, maybe we're actually entertaining someone here or so on the premises. And I realized he's watching television.

56:03 Drew Oh, The Man Show? Oh, The Man Show is over.

56:05 Adam No, it ain't The Man Show. I don't know what the hell is going on. I was watching The Simpsons. I should have known better. Let me tell you something about this show. Nobody's less entertained than the people that are in the Westwood One building. And more specifically, our staff. Producer Anne, I haven't seen her teeth in three years. And I'll tell you, when I look through that window and I see somebody smiling and chuckling and looking generally entertained, it's disconcerting. Right, so whoa, what's going on? But I was a little surprised, but it turned out Anderson's watching television.

56:38 Caller Yeah, but that's not fair. I'm laughing all the time.

56:40 Adam All right, all right. He just looked, he looked genuinely entertained for a change and I realized he was a Simpsons. So he's watching the Simpsons. Which episode Anderson? I love those Simpsons.

56:50 Homer just bought Marge a Gun.

56:53 Adam Oh, that is good.

56:54 And I'm reading it. It sounds off, but it's just as funny when I'm reading it.

56:56 Adam All right. I like to tune into that. Hey, Fred, what the hell are we talking about? Oh, yeah, here's what happened to me. Estee Chandler. Actually, back then, her name was Esther Chilidenko. She was hot, though.

57:12 Drew How did she change her name?

57:14 Adam You know, she became an actress or something. Well, just changed it to Chandler. Shut up, Fred, I'm telling a story. Estee was kind of cute, although she blossomed later after she dumped me, you know, but she was still kind of cute in seventh grade.

57:28 Drew Blossomed? You mean she ballooned up?

57:30 Adam No, I mean, she got better looking later on in her high school career. And of course, one nothing to do with me at that point. But the point is, is when I was in the seventh grade, she liked me and she liked my friend Chris. Chris was a guy who got all the chicks later on in life. It was right. You know, there's those points in your life, you start turning a corner, maybe you come to a crossroads, someone goes this way, you go that way. It's like me and my friend Chris, we were great buddies. We still are and we're best friends for maybe the edge of 10 on. We're sort of equal in like the chick department until we got to about 14, maybe 15 and then we came to that crossroads. His sign said, Poon Tangville and mine said Wackville. That is right. We got to the fork and I said-

58:24 Drew Two ships took off once they went away and went the other.

58:27 Adam See you buddy.

58:28 Drew All right.

58:29 Adam And we can still be in touch, right? Yeah, yeah, give me a call.

58:32 Drew You can use my toothbrush.

58:33 Adam I'll just brush your toothbrush every once in a while. Yeah, thank you. So, but anyway, this is right when we got to the fork and Esther, she called and she said, listen, it's between you and Chris because one of you is going to be my boyfriend. And you know what? I like Adam. All of my friends think I'm nuts.

58:56 Drew They try to talk me out of it.

58:57 Adam But I like Adam. And I've never forgotten that. I really haven't. I've forgotten every compliment anyone has ever given me since then, but I've never forgotten the, all my friends think I'm nuts.

59:09 Drew But there you go.

59:09 Adam I mean, there you go, Fred.

59:10 Drew The point is it can work.

59:12 Adam All right.

59:12 Drew It doesn't matter.

59:13 Adam Don't start making excuses for yourself beforehand. And Fred, if she doesn't go out with you, it's because she doesn't like you, not because of her friends. All right.

59:21 Drew Or like you enough.

59:22 I think she sort of likes me.

59:23 Adam All right. Well, then ask her out, man. When you're when you're a young guy, you are like you're like Rommel in your strategizing for the women. And I mean, you're pacing around with your writing crop, looking at a big map of the school. There's a little yes. You're like in the war room, you know, there's a little model you and there's a month. Then there's a bunch of other bystanders and there's move around with a long stick. Yeah, there's a cafeteria over here and you make your move and she counter moves. You think so. I mean, think about Drew. When you were younger, as opposed to, well, let's, okay. Let's just say you're single now, just for fun. Okay. Think about the time committed and the time wasted, or no, I don't want to say time wasted. Let's just, just think about the time spent. Spent strategizing. Or, or, or so crooning, or as opposed to the time spent actually asking out, going out, doing that. I mean, it was a thousand.

1:00:30 Drew It's infinity.

1:00:32 Adam A Google.

1:00:32 Drew Yeah, it's infinity because there was zeros time spent actually with action and hours spent ruminating.

1:00:38 Adam I think I put together like seven tenths of a second in high school actually asking someone out and I put together six and a half years of strategizing and obsessing. Now, I just drink a few beers and stagger over to whoever. That's the strategy. Strategy is, hey, I got two TV shows. That's my new angle. But the point is, now it would be 50-50, right? It would pop in your head to go up and talk to someone for five minutes and you go up and talk to them for five minutes.

1:01:09 Drew But you wouldn't spend time worrying about it. Is it works or doesn't it go on? Right.

1:01:14 Adam I don't know what it is about being 14 that forces you to do that. John?

1:01:18 Drew Yeah.

1:01:19 Adam You're 27.

1:01:20 Caller I am 27.

1:01:21 Adam What's up?

1:01:22 Caller It's pretty weird. Anyway, I am married for the last seven years, almost seven years. My wife and I have like the sex problem in that she doesn't like sex.

1:01:34 Drew Has it always been that way or just since you've been married?

1:01:36 Caller I mean, I don't know what to do anymore.

1:01:39 Adam Hey John?

1:01:39 Caller Yes.

1:01:40 Adam Do you work in an elevator shaft?

1:01:42 Caller No. I'm in communication so it's all the fans that are on.

1:01:46 Drew Computers.

1:01:47 Adam Those are computer fans?

1:01:50 Caller Yes.

1:01:51 Adam They are?

1:01:52 Caller Yes.

1:01:53 Adam Wow.

1:01:53 Drew It's communication amongst the missile silos at the Pentagon.

1:01:57 Adam Jesus, that's a lot of computers you got there. All right, so how long has it been since she lost her sex drive?

1:02:05 Caller No, I haven't lost my sex drive.

1:02:07 Drew No, she, her. How long?

1:02:09 Adam Oh, boy.

1:02:11 Caller No, we have three kids and I work in San Luis Obispo and she lives up in Sacramento so I commute.

1:02:20 Adam Okay, hold on. This is going to take a long time.

1:02:22 Drew But this is the equivalent of the person in customer service. Yeah. The guys in communications, mind you.

1:02:31 Adam Hey, John. Listen very carefully. Put your good ear up to the phone. How long have you been married?

1:02:39 Caller For almost seven years.

1:02:40 Adam Okay. How long has her sex drive been screwed up?

1:02:46 Caller Probably since we first got married.

1:02:48 Drew How about before that?

1:02:51 Caller We had six months before we met each other and then we got married.

1:02:54 Adam So how was the sex drive for that six months?

1:02:58 Caller It was the same. It is down.

1:03:00 Drew So she just is a sort of non-sexual person. Is she on medication?

1:03:03 Caller No.

1:03:05 Adam How often do you have sex?

1:03:09 Caller Let's see. I don't know. Sometimes we've gone two years or not two years, probably like, I'd say 16 months. We went a whole year last year.

1:03:19 Adam With no sex?

1:03:21 Caller Yes, no sex at all.

1:03:22 Adam How about some oral sex?

1:03:26 Caller I'd say about a month ago.

1:03:28 Drew No, but how long is the longest stretch? With nothing?

1:03:31 Caller It's during the same time.

1:03:33 Adam Okay.

1:03:33 Drew 16 months.

1:03:35 Caller We're having sex and we're having oral sex.

1:03:36 Adam Listen, you could kill her. No court in the land would convict you. Couldn't you, Drew?

1:03:42 Drew You know the law.

1:03:43 Adam All right. Boy.

1:03:46 Drew This needs a little work.

1:03:47 Adam Yeah, 16 month dry spell. That's...

1:03:51 Drew It means something. But it sounds like it means something about her, not about the relationship because...

1:03:55 Adam Something's up. Something's up in a big, big way.

1:03:59 Drew You guys should see a couple's therapy.

1:04:00 Adam I'd probe John a little more, but I don't think we're going to get to it. Couples therapy on behalf of the kids.

1:04:06 Drew On behalf of the kids, she needs some biological evaluation, too, to see if there's something that can help boost all this.

1:04:12 Adam Right.

1:04:12 Drew Because this may have a biological basis to it, as much as anything else, but I suspect it's not just that.

1:04:18 Adam Karen, Karen. Oh, Karen's. No, she's not. She's been a hole for 10 minutes.

1:04:24 Caller I'm here.

1:04:24 Adam There you are. Karen, what's up? You're 15.

1:04:26 Caller I'm 15, and I was concerned. I was wondering if there was anything wrong with me. I've already developed, but I haven't gotten my menstrual cycle yet.

1:04:40 Drew Well, you probably are just delayed, and that's not a bad thing. That's actually, in some research I've read, suggests that that's associated with longevity. There are reasons that you could not have cycling that vary between having some problem with the uterus, some difficulty with the actual structure in the uterus, to some difficulty with the establishing of the cycling. It'd be worthwhile seeing a doctor just to see if there was something, preferably a gynecologist, to see if there's something that they want to do to initiate it. Given that you are otherwise fully developed. But I suspect it's just one of those things that will establish itself soon.

1:05:15 Adam What's the average age? 12? 13?

1:05:17 Drew 12 to 14, yeah.

1:05:19 Adam I remember one time in the sixth grade, some kid found a tampon in some girl's desk. Oh, brother.

1:05:27 Drew Big deal.

1:05:30 Adam Oh, my God. We were like...

1:05:33 Drew Hyenas, dancing like some tribesmen.

1:05:37 Adam Kids are... Like she had to get involved... She had to be involved in the Witness Relocation Program after that. I mean, she had to leave the state, assume another identity. Yeah, I think she had a sex change. You know what that is? You know how much grist that is for a six-year-old's mill?

1:05:52 Drew It's an 11-year-old, right? Sixth grader? I don't know.

1:05:54 Adam I think I was like 17 or something.

1:05:56 Drew When did this happen? Sixth grade, right?

1:05:58 Adam Sixth grade, yeah. Sixth grade's gotta be 12.

1:06:01 Drew 11, 12. It's a mother load at six-year-old.

1:06:02 Adam Yeah, you stumble on to a tampon and, oh my god.

1:06:08 Drew That was only the material of folklore up to that point.

1:06:11 Adam I remember one time I found one of my, I think, I'm hoping it was my mom's tampon dispensers in the garbage can. I used to do a lot of trash picking when I was a kid.

1:06:20 Drew Looking for Playboys, or?

1:06:23 Adam I used to go trash picking on Wednesday, whatever trash nights. No, just junk. It was completely condoned by the family, by the way. Whatever night trash night was, go out and hit the neighborhood. Go check the cans. It wasn't like a hobo thing. It wasn't like we were looking for dinner. It was just people threw away stuff that I wanted. Toys and junk. Once in a while, you'd find some treasures. Just walk up and down through the neighborhood. We'd go trash picking. I think I found one of my mom's cardboard tampon things. I was using it like a telescope.

1:07:00 Drew Did you know that's what it was?

1:07:01 Adam No. I had no idea what it was. It just had...

1:07:04 Drew It was telescoping.

1:07:05 Adam Yeah. It's a telescoping thing. We didn't have Nintendo. All we had was spent tampon applicators. That's going to be a good story for the kids.

1:07:18 Drew Were you and Chris out back playing pirates?

1:07:20 Adam I was like, yeah.

1:07:24 Drew What did your mom say?

1:07:25 Adam She never made timbers. I didn't tell my mom.

1:07:29 Drew She didn't come across you behaving like that?

1:07:31 Adam No. She was in a locked room or something. I was going through the garbage. And I just remember holding the thing. My sister drank out of a urine specimen jar for like four years too.

1:07:47 Drew Why?

1:07:49 Adam We used to do a little a lot of shopping over at like thrift stores and stuff, and a garage sales and whatnot, which my mom's still a big fan of, by the way. It's like, well, I could buy that space heater at Target for 18 bucks, or I could wait until four winters from now and get this space heater for $12 in a yard sale. Anyway, my sister found a jar that she liked. It was like, it's cool. Old style urine sample jar.

1:08:25 Drew Like a beaker.

1:08:26 Adam Yeah, like a beaker. It's like, it's graduated, you know? It has all the numbers on it. It was kind of hexagonal in its shape. It's real thick walled. It had a little pore thing at the top. And she found that thing at some kind of, you know, thrift store or something, and decided this was cool, and this was gonna be her cup. You know, like when you're a kid, you get like a signed cup. Right. This was her cup. So she drank out of this thing for a couple of years. And then somebody pointed out to her that was a, that was a urine specimen container from like, you know, turn of the century or something.

1:09:08 Caller Jesus Christ.

1:09:09 Adam I'm looking through a tampon. She's drinking out of a urine thing. Really, we got to sue the family. Really got to work that out. Drew, do you have any, I want representation.

1:09:19 Drew I'll witness it.

1:09:20 Adam My family doesn't have anything, but I'm interested in taking what they have. You know what I mean?

1:09:25 Drew Got Alfred Hitchcock's cows there.

1:09:26 Adam Like put them out on the street. Right, okay.

1:09:29 Caller Asshole.

1:09:31 Adam We're gonna take a little break and then we'll be back after this. Meet Loveline, my man. That is Drew. That's my main man, Drew. And phone number 1-800-L-V-E-191. Let's speak to Paul. Paul?

1:10:28 Caller Yes.

1:10:28 Adam You're 29.

1:10:30 Caller Yes.

1:10:31 Caller What's up?

1:10:34 Caller First of all, you guys are hilarious. Dr. Drew, you have a lot of great things to say, and Adam, you lighten it up, which I think I need. But anyway, I recently divorced, and I go to school, and the lady, she's 42 years old, has a boyfriend. I went over to their house to borrow her book, and it ended up to be a little wine-drinking evening. And her boyfriend said to me, you know, if you're lonely, you know, one thing leads to another. I'm doing things to his girlfriend while he watches, and I'm just wondering, the day after I sober up, I'm thinking I should probably be feeling pretty horrible about this.

1:11:20 Drew You're studying what?

1:11:22 Caller I'm studying.

1:11:23 Adam This is junior college.

1:11:24 Drew You're a classmate?

1:11:25 Caller I'm going back to school.

1:11:28 What for?

1:11:29 Caller Just the degree of business management.

1:11:31 Adam Yeah. Is this junior college?

1:11:33 Caller No, it's a university of...

1:11:36 Adam Oh, one of those places.

1:11:37 Caller Yeah. Herb's.

1:11:39 Adam They named this school after a guy. Herb's School?

1:11:44 Caller Yeah, Herb's College.

1:11:45 Adam Right. Okay. So she's there too. And you went over to House of Our Book. Was there any sparks between the two of you before this?

1:11:53 Caller You know, there's a lot of sexual innuendos during class.

1:11:56 Adam Sure.

1:11:57 Caller You know, she told me that I did something wrong. She said, I'm going to spank you. And I said, well, aren't you guys supposed to, aren't we supposed to enjoy that?

1:12:07 Adam Right. All right. So you're divorced, right?

1:12:10 Caller Yeah. You know, the thing that just worried me is that, you know, I came from a pretty, you know, not a real religious background, but somewhat, you know, upstanding citizen. But I just thought the next day I would just be distraught and kind of, you know, listen, she's screwy.

1:12:26 Adam He's screwy. You had a few drinks in you. Who cares?

1:12:30 Drew You didn't participate in something good and healthy.

1:12:33 Caller Well, I mean, let me tell you.

1:12:35 Drew It's okay to feel bad about it. And it's, you know, you get through, you learn from it.

1:12:39 Adam It's like, so we eat a chili dog every once in a while. It's not going to kill you. Speaking of eating a chili dog, did the boyfriend get involved with this?

1:12:48 Caller At the last part, he wanted to get the oral gratification from her while he wanted to see me have intercourse with her.

1:12:58 Adam How'd that go?

1:13:00 Caller You know, it was really weird. I was never fully wrecked and I don't want to...

1:13:05 Adam GIO Yeah, well it's a lot of pressure. I can barely have sex with a hooker just alone. You know what I mean? But if her pimp is standing there, I mean I'm just going to sort of equate it to a real life situation. I can't focus at all. And that's weird. And here's the thing too about the second penis being brought out in the sexual thing. You don't know. It's like you're driving and a guy's cleaning his gun in the passenger seat. You cannot concentrate on the road, right? Yeah. You're waiting for the penis to go off. To go off. Yeah. I mean it could go from her mouth into your ass. You don't know what he's going to do. You know what I mean? I can see that being a little nerve wracking. And what does this guy do for a living, this boyfriend?

1:13:49 Caller He's a pretty well to do guy. He's invented some process, some engineering process. And so he's pretty well to do.

1:13:59 Adam All right. Well, Paul, you had some kicks, you know, you had a story, you had a few drinks. Let's just stay out of it.

1:14:06 Drew Stay away from them.

1:14:07 Adam All right? All right.

1:14:09 Drew Really, you're going to have to fight to stay away from Beth, too. She's going to be comfortable.

1:14:12 Adam They won't want him back. He was a little flaccid. Nick?

1:14:16 Caller Oh, hello.

1:14:17 Adam Hey, you're 16. What's up?

1:14:19 Caller This girl I know, she wants to do LSD with me. And I was just wondering, like, is there any possible side effects and like, how does it run its course through the body?

1:14:30 Drew Hallucinogens in general damage brain. And not in a subtle or small way. How much you have to do to get real significant damage that you would notice it, nobody knows. But certainly if you've done more than 30 hits, you're going to have mood problems the rest of your life. And if you still see trailers, that's a marker for people having mood disturbances. It is a significant toxin to brain. And it can change your personality, it can change the way you think, it can change a lot of things permanently. The most delicate, the most important organ you have is your brain. It's what you spent the last 16 years developing. You want to have that up? That's the way to do it.

1:15:08 Adam I call playing Nintendo and watching cable developing.

1:15:12 Drew Well, I mean, if you know, that's the thing. What else are you trying to preserve with survival itself, except you, your brain, this changes.

1:15:19 Adam I should have put a bigger emphasis on the brain when I was younger, and older. I forgot about it. All I did was bang my head up against stuff.

1:15:29 Drew I mean, LSD is a very treacherous, people are choosing to do it. I don't understand why, given we know this thing called excitotoxicity, when certain pathways are activated, the cells drop out and can figure it differently or die. And I mean, it's not like drinking alcohol, where a few cells are killed as a result of the alcohol. This is major, major disruption.

1:15:49 Adam All right, well, let me say this, Drew, as I was telling you during a commercial break, I think when we were taping one of the 365 TV shows we've done over the last 15 to 20 minutes, I was telling you that I have done mushrooms on, I think, three or four occasions in my life. And I did half a tab LSD once. I was too chicken to do the full thing. But I'll just stick with the mushrooms things. I don't remember too much of my life, really. It's not too many days that stand out. There's the time I looked through the tampon applicator when I was 11 years old in my backyard. And then this time I saw my sister drink out of the urine sampler.

1:16:37 Drew One time?

1:16:37 Adam And then there was a time that Esther Chilidenko told me all her friends thought she was nuts because she wanted to go out with me. And then the other time was the time I took mushrooms. I remember those days. Oh, and as Engineer Anderson brings up, I remember the 100,000 times I looked for baseball in an ivy fence. But then there was the mushroom time. I remember that. I mean, I was to, unlike any day that I've had. And the thing about your days is they kind of turn into one big one. I mean, different people, different experiences, but same feeling, same thing. You know what I'm saying? This takes you and pulls you off the planet for a half a day. And for me, and I was an adult, and listen to me when I say this, because I'm being truthful about this, but I don't want everyone to take this the wrong way. I never did anything until I was an adult. That was A number one. I probably did mushrooms. First time was probably 20, 21, 22, something like that. And then I did it again. I had like 27 or whatever, or 25 or something like that. But point is, is I wasn't 14 or 15. I was 21, let's say.

1:17:56 Drew As you put it, the cement isn't dry. The potential to disrupt normal brain development is higher.

1:18:02 Adam Yeah. Well, again, I was either doing construction labor or cleaning carpets at the time. So I didn't think it was going to be a big factor in my life.

1:18:09 Drew Your brain.

1:18:10 Adam Yeah, I could have once get so it wouldn't have mattered.

1:18:12 Drew But let's put it this way, just not to interrupt your thought, but it's your mood, it's how you feel about living that gets affected.

1:18:19 Adam Right.

1:18:20 Drew You could feel lousy the rest of your life for feeling good in a few moments.

1:18:24 Adam Right. Well, you could. It's possible. Probably not. But the point is, is I wouldn't mess with acid. I really wouldn't. And I wouldn't mess with stuff.

1:18:34 Drew X too, same thing.

1:18:35 Adam I wouldn't mess with anything until my brain dried. And that would be out of high school. And if you can wait, whether it's cigarettes or acid or whatever it is, if you can wait until you're like a few years out of high school, go have at it because it'll never take after that. You know what I mean? There's something about having the brain being not dry yet that makes things stick to it.

1:18:58 Drew Oh, yes.

1:18:59 Adam Like leaves on a wet sidewalk. Tyler?

1:19:04 Yes?

1:19:05 Adam You're 14?

1:19:06 Caller Yeah.

1:19:06 Adam What's up?

1:19:09 Caller When I was about five years old, my brother molested me.

1:19:13 Adam Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy?

1:19:15 Caller No.

1:19:16 Adam No? Okay.

1:19:17 Caller No.

1:19:19 Adam What's going on in the background there, Tyler?

1:19:20 Drew Taking a bath?

1:19:21 Caller What do you mean in the background?

1:19:25 Adam Do I hear water?

1:19:27 Caller Oh, yeah. That's my fish tank.

1:19:29 Adam Oh, okay. That's where the bath comment would come in. All right, Tyler.

1:19:38 Caller My other friend.

1:19:39 Adam Jesus Christ. What do you have? Like a 14-pound walleye in there or something? Crappy? What do you got in there? Sea bass? How big is that fish tank of yours?

1:19:53 Caller It's like an 84-quart fish tank.

1:19:57 Adam 84-quart? What the hell is that, 41-gallon? No, wait a minute. No, that's a 20...

1:20:05 Drew 12, 15...

1:20:08 Adam 21-gallon. How are they going by the quarts? Go by the gallons, you idiots.

1:20:12 Drew Makes it seem bigger, see?

1:20:14 Adam Yeah, okay.

1:20:14 Caller About 21-gallons.

1:20:16 Drew Oh, 21-gallons.

1:20:17 Adam About 21-gallons.

1:20:18 Caller A little low on water.

1:20:19 Adam I understand. We'll put some more water in that thing, would you? All right, Tyler. So what do you want? Your brother molested you?

1:20:26 Caller Yeah.

1:20:26 Adam And then what?

1:20:28 Caller And I told one of my friends, also Tyler, and he kept on urging me to tell someone.

1:20:38 Drew That's good.

1:20:39 Caller Mrs. Macias, our counselor.

1:20:41 Drew Great.

1:20:41 Caller So I did finally. She told me to call another counselor, a therapist.

1:20:50 Adam And she said, I got a pissed. I can't listen to that tank for another five minutes. I got wet my pants. Go ahead, Tyler.

1:21:02 Caller And I was talking to the therapist. I'm supposed to go on there tomorrow morning.

1:21:06 Drew Good.

1:21:08 Caller And the thing is, I'm worried about, is my parents annoying?

1:21:13 Drew Tyler, right now, you just got to worry about Tyler. That your parents are going to be fine. You're not responsible for what has happened to you or for your brother's behavior. You've got to go in there and take care of this. It's exquisitely important. You don't don't worry about protecting your parents from this. This is something they will want to have known. Believe me, they'll want to be able to help you. You know, that's not going to be pleasant for them. It's not pleasant for anybody, but it's about getting better.

1:21:35 Adam You know, that fish tank was becoming like for me. You know that Edgar Allen Poe poem?

1:21:40 Drew Raven?

1:21:41 Adam Is it the Raven? Yeah, where he buries the... No, it's not the Raven. He buries the body under the floorboard of the house.

1:21:48 Caller Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yes.

1:21:50 Adam And the inspector comes by.

1:21:52 Drew Heart beating.

1:21:52 Adam He keeps hearing the heart. It gets louder and louder and eventually goes insane and admits to the whole crime.

1:21:58 Drew Yes.

1:21:59 Adam That's what was going on with me and the fish tank. Except I couldn't hear the question anymore. The tank just got louder and louder and louder. Oh man. All right, Tyler, I'm sorry this happened to you, but you're, you're on the run.

1:22:11 Drew Gable, something Gable's.

1:22:12 Adam Oh, we're going to figure this out. House of Usher?

1:22:16 Drew House of Usher.

1:22:16 Adam Is that right?

1:22:17 Drew Yeah, that's it. Very good.

1:22:18 Adam Jesus Christ, Drew, you should go kill yourself. You've got.

1:22:23 Drew I have a lot of other books in my head.

1:22:24 Adam Do you have?

1:22:25 Drew The Tangle Hawthorne.

1:22:26 Adam You've got like $7 million invested in your education.

1:22:30 Drew It's not Dead Ground Poe.

1:22:31 Adam You sure? All right, let's look this up. We got to get to the House of Usher, maybe Hawthorne. But when I'm talking about the floorboard, I think that's Poe.

1:22:44 Drew Okay.

1:22:44 Adam All right, we'll take a break. We'll be back.

1:23:08 Caller It's Love Line.

1:23:09 Adam Alright. All right. Here's the show, everybody. The Telltale Heart, Edgar Allan Poe. Thank you. We were arguing about that going into that last break, and it jumped into my head. Drew was looking it up, but it did jump into my head, I think. Well, actually, Anderson may have started me alone.

1:23:37 Drew He was talking about the Raven.

1:23:38 Caller Oh, that's right.

1:23:39 Adam Yeah. But knowing he was wrong helped me. When I heard Anderson say it was the Raven, it cemented my Telltale Heart, Derek. Ryan?

1:23:51 Caller Yeah.

1:23:52 Adam All right. You're 17. What's going on?

1:23:54 Caller Yeah.

1:23:55 Caller I have a little problem.

1:23:57 Caller It's not really a problem, considering I like to do it.

1:24:01 Caller But I like to stick exotic foods on my anus. All right.

1:24:04 Adam He has to stick what up his anus? I was yawning.

1:24:07 Drew Salad foods.

1:24:08 Adam Salad foods?

1:24:08 Drew It's BS.

1:24:09 Adam Oh, okay. All right. Where the hell are we? Jay?

1:24:17 Yeah, hi.

1:24:18 Adam You're 17.

1:24:19 Caller That's right.

1:24:19 Adam What do you like to put up your anus?

1:24:22 Caller Nothing in particular, really.

1:24:23 Adam All right. We're gonna move on and speak to you.

1:24:26 Drew Jay, what's up?

1:24:27 Caller All right. I've been going out with my girlfriend for a year now. And we've had a, we've tried to have sex over a dozen times and it just is not working at all.

1:24:36 Drew What's the problem?

1:24:37 Caller Well, I, you know, I put myself inside of her and after, you know, I go so far inside, she just, she has so much pain that she can't bear it. And then I have to take myself out.

1:24:48 Adam You couldn't give her a wooden spoon to bite on or something?

1:24:52 Caller No, it's just like, she like literally like jumps off completely.

1:24:56 Drew Interesting.

1:24:56 Adam Is there a lubrication problem?

1:24:58 Caller No, I got, I tried, we tried different lubrication, you know, different kind of condoms, everything.

1:25:03 Drew Is there an anatomical disproportion there?

1:25:07 Caller Huh?

1:25:07 Drew Is there a mismatch in your anatomy?

1:25:09 Caller Maybe, I have no idea, but.

1:25:11 Drew Not obvious.

1:25:12 Adam Are you hung?

1:25:13 Caller Huh?

1:25:14 Adam Do you have a big dick?

1:25:16 Caller Yes.

1:25:16 Adam Okay. Jesus Christ.

1:25:19 Caller Hey.

1:25:20 Adam All right. So you're big.

1:25:22 Caller And she's small.

1:25:23 Adam Is that it?

1:25:25 Caller That's what it seems like. That's what we thought, but.

1:25:27 Adam All right. Well, listen, that may be part of it, but that's not all of it.

1:25:32 Caller Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

1:25:33 Adam This is purely conjecture, by the way, but I do think that that ain't all of it.

1:25:40 Drew So, something psychological going on, huh?

1:25:42 Adam Well, I'm just saying little women have been with big guys before.

1:25:47 Drew Right.

1:25:48 Adam And it happens all the time. I've seen it in the movies. So, the point is, is she's a little tense about things and he's a little girthy about things, and together that ain't a great combo.

1:26:02 Drew I'm really impressed how much the medical literature is finally catching up with the fact that pelvic pain and pain with intercourse is often associated with sexual abuse. And so, if you can't find any sort of medical reason for that, you always have to worry about that history.

1:26:17 Adam Jay, does she have anything like this in her history?

1:26:20 Caller Not that she's told me about.

1:26:22 Caller All right.

1:26:23 Drew Any suspicion? Do you have any suspicion?

1:26:25 Caller I'll tell you, I don't.

1:26:26 Caller I don't think she's been fine most of her life.

1:26:28 Adam Is she? Well, it only takes ten minutes. Yeah. Does... Five with me. Is she a virgin?

1:26:36 Caller Yes, she is.

1:26:37 Adam She is.

1:26:38 Drew Has she had a pelvic exam recently?

1:26:40 Caller Yeah, she went to the gynecologist like, I guess, a week or two ago.

1:26:43 Drew And?

1:26:44 Caller And they said she was fine.

1:26:46 Caller She's fine.

1:26:47 Adam All right. So she just may be a little... Is she kind of a tense person?

1:26:51 Caller Yeah, she usually gets like... Right before she gets really nervous.

1:26:56 Drew Okay.

1:26:56 Adam Right. That's it. Drew, seriously, short of drugging the victim, I mean, your partner, is there a... I gotta stop doing that. What can they do? I mean, she's 17. I mean, wouldn't you... You know, a hot bath and a massage, shot a Nyquil, you know what I mean? She needs to relax.

1:27:18 Caller Yeah.

1:27:19 Caller Yeah.

1:27:20 Adam What do you think about this, Drew? What do you think about this hypothesis? The big penis, it's not the size of the penis, it's its intimidating effect. You know, when you see that big penis coming at you, you think, holy Christ, I'm clamming shut.

1:27:37 Drew Right.

1:27:38 Adam You just see...

1:27:39 Drew It's protection.

1:27:39 Adam The shadow of the penis hits you before the penis actually enters into the picture. You know what I'm saying? And you hear that. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

1:27:52 Drew Let's get back to the heart-beating sound again.

1:27:56 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Hear that too. Jason?

1:28:00 Drew Jason? Yeah.

1:28:01 Adam What's up? You're 24.

1:28:03 Caller Hey.

1:28:03 Caller Hey. Good.

1:28:06 Caller I met this woman, like, too old, so I met, like, three years ago because I coached sports.

1:28:16 Adam Now, what's going on in the back? You watching some sports?

1:28:19 Caller Yeah.

1:28:19 Adam Okay. I gotta put you on the whole jackass. Hear a guy calling a home run in the background. Renee?

1:28:27 Caller Yep.

1:28:28 Adam You're 19?

1:28:29 Caller Yeah.

1:28:29 Adam You have a 16-year-old best friend?

1:28:32 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:28:32 Adam And you started sleeping with her? No, no. No?

1:28:35 Caller She started sleeping with her boyfriend after about three weeks of dating him. This is sort of her first, and she's kind of... I don't know. I kind of feel like she's just doing it. I don't know whether or not to impress me. She's kind of a little messed up.

1:28:51 Adam All right. Well, why do you care? Why are you hanging around with 16-year-olds when you're 19?

1:28:55 Caller Turning 17, well, she's a youngin and I just turned 19. We've been best friends since we were like two.

1:29:00 Adam All right.

1:29:01 Caller And I don't know what to do about her because I know she's like not using protection and...

1:29:06 Drew What's the nature of her messed up-ness?

1:29:09 Caller She kind of came from an abusive family and kind of has, you know, she had an eating disorder because of just like more of more of mental abuse from her.

1:29:21 Drew Has she been in treatment for that?

1:29:22 Caller What?

1:29:23 Drew Has she been in treatment for eating disorder?

1:29:25 Caller Yeah, she got treatment and...

1:29:27 Drew Why don't you encourage her to stay with that?

1:29:30 Adam Hey, Renee.

1:29:31 Caller Yeah.

1:29:31 Adam Are you a big gal?

1:29:32 Caller No.

1:29:33 Adam No. Why you ask that? Just plain hunch.

1:29:35 Caller Like 5 to 100 pounds.

1:29:37 Adam Mm-hmm. I consider that overweight.

1:29:39 Caller Oh, God.

1:29:40 Adam I consider that grotesque.

1:29:42 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:29:43 Adam So, do you have a boyfriend?

1:29:45 Caller Yeah.

1:29:46 Adam All right. And everything's going all right with you? You feel like she's trying to keep up with you?

1:29:50 Caller Yeah.

1:29:51 Adam Well, that's kind of what happens when you're best friend for 15 years, you know? I mean, I could see that happening. I mean, we know there's three years or two and a half years in between you, but to her, whatever you're doing, she should be doing too. True. All right. Well, just tell her your concern and make sure she doesn't get pregnant, okay? All right.

1:30:10 Drew Go to the morning Africa, if nothing else.

1:30:12 Adam Please. Jason? Okay, 24. You've turned down the television. Now, what's up?

1:30:16 Caller All right. Okay. So I met this lady and she's like 18 years older than me. And we can evolve like last year. And then she's like, you know, I've always said from the beginning that she's kind of got an issue with our age difference.

1:30:30 Adam She does.

1:30:31 Caller What?

1:30:31 Adam She has an issue.

1:30:33 Caller Yeah.

1:30:33 Adam All right.

1:30:34 Caller And, you know, I mean, it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world. I don't know. I don't think it's that abnormal. I know other people.

1:30:40 Adam Yeah.

1:30:40 Caller All right.

1:30:41 Adam So what? She's 42?

1:30:43 Caller Yeah.

1:30:44 Adam All right. Near 24. So now what?

1:30:46 Caller So then, you know, we stopped seeing each other. Didn't talk for like, I don't know, eight months like that. And then all of a sudden she started coming back around. Sure. She knows where I am at certain times. And we started going out again. And then she decided that she doesn't think it's right at this point because.

1:31:04 Adam All right. So what do you want?

1:31:05 Drew What's your question?

1:31:06 Adam What do you want?

1:31:08 Caller She's gone through divorce and this and that. I really want to try to make things work, but I don't know if I should wait around for her. If she's serious.

1:31:13 Adam All right. Listen, Desperado. No, no. You find yourself a decent chick, your own age and have a good time. What's up with you?

1:31:21 Caller What do you mean? What's up?

1:31:22 Adam Let me tell you what I'm getting out of you. Can't do any better. Can't get any chicks. Come on.

1:31:28 Caller No, no, that's not it. Trust me.

1:31:30 Adam No, trust me. There's not a 24 year old alive who'd be yo-yoed by a 42 year old divorcee back and forth waiting for to come around so on and so forth if he could get himself some young tail.

1:31:43 Caller I don't know. I've been going out with people my age, but...

1:31:45 Caller Good.

1:31:46 Adam Start liking it.

1:31:47 Caller It's more emotionally insecure.

1:31:49 Adam Alright. Find yourself... I don't mean...

1:31:52 Drew That's another version of can't do any better.

1:31:54 Adam Yeah, that is. Listen, all you nutjobs out there. You're lucky. I only got 15 seconds to yell at you. Just because you can go to some IHOP at 4 in the morning and scrape some junkie out of a booth and nail her by the dumpster in the parking lot does not mean you're doing fine with the ladies. When I say, are you dating? Are you dating the type of people you want to date? I mean, are you going out with quality people that you're attracted to, that you want to date, that aren't, that are contemporaries, that are interesting, that are educated, that are attractive? If you can get those women, then you shouldn't be chasing this 42-year-old around. All right, we'll take a break.

1:32:37 Caller Let's have some more fun. Okay, let's do it. Call Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:32:45 Caller Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:33:01 Adam They're right there. No rhyme, no reason.

1:33:17 Caller All right, there you go.

1:33:19 Adam We're out on time. What do you say?

1:33:21 Drew I'm wrapping.

1:33:22 Adam All right, so until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Ha ha, well now.

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Tuesday, November 23, 1999