Episode 1000754887409

2:02 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

2:05 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

2:09 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

2:11 Voiceover Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

2:13 Voiceover I'm not modeling anymore for the two of you.

2:15 Voiceover Loveline.

2:17 Adam Hey, oh, I ate way too much tonight, Drew.

2:22 My belly's killing me.

2:22 Drew Well, jeez, yeah, you've been sort of uncomfortable.

2:24 Adam Oh, my belly, my belly.

2:26 Drew You gonna go barf after this, or?

2:28 Adam I wish I could barf. I don't think I could barf. I think just a solid block of food would come out. I don't think it's even liquefied in me.

2:35 Drew Uh-oh.

2:36 Adam I'd be like, I think a cinder block would come out. I got to do something, Drew. My belly's killing me.

2:42 Drew Seriously?

2:42 Adam I ate like a cow. I went to Morton's Steak House.

2:48 Drew Oh, yeah.

2:49 Adam Oh, very nice.

2:50 Drew You guys live high, going to Beverly Hills.

2:52 Adam Oh, yeah.

2:52 Drew What is this?

2:53 Adam I like those places where they wheel out the food and show it to you first.

2:58 Drew We did that to the one in Chicago.

3:00 Adam We did the one in Chicago, yeah. We had something funny happen. One of my partners, Daniel, he likes to drink on weeknights.

3:11 Drew Weeknights every night?

3:13 Adam Yeah, every night. Yeah, weeknights. And weekends especially. But mostly weeknights, but then weekends. And we were, you know, they do the whole spiel where they roll the silver card out and they have the veal chop and they have the lamb chop and they have the porterhouse steak and the T-bone steak and then a four pound lobster, four or five pound lobster, a huge lobster. I mean, you know, four or five pounds doesn't sound like too much, but this is a huge lobster. And they give the whole spiel. Anyway, after a couple of cocktails and after the meal, we're all sitting around looking for ways to burn calories before the check comes. And the waiter's doing the whole spiel on the table that's behind us. So Daniel reaches around while the guy's in the middle of his spiel. He grabs the five pound lobster. He drops it on our table and puts a napkin over it. It took two napkins to cover this thing. And we go on with our conversation. Well, the guy's in the middle of his spiel and he looks back a couple of times. And you could tell he missed the lobster the first time he looked back, but he didn't get to the part of the spiel when he got to the lobster. So he figured, I'll just keep talking. Maybe it'll show up again. And then he got to the part where he gives the spiel on the lobster to the table he's talking to, and there's no lobster. So he looks around and it was the first time I heard, little help as far as the lobster goes. He was sort of looking around. He wasn't panicking. He was cool. He was looking around and he leaned over to our table and said, you see a lobster? We don't know what you're talking about. So the guy kept looking around and then eventually got back to his spiel. Of course, once he got back to his spiel, Daniel grabbed the lobster, placed it back on the table. On the serving plate and then when he turned around again, it was there. Of course, then before we left, he took the lobster one more time. When you're drunk, everything's a good idea. That's the beauty of getting drunk.

4:59 Drew How does he leave his, he has like a six-month-old.

5:02 Adam Yeah.

5:03 Drew Does he ever see the child?

5:04 Adam The kid's drunk too.

5:05 Drew I imagine.

5:05 Adam Doesn't know he's gone.

5:06 Drew That's good.

5:07 Adam No. He's the young, beautiful Chloe. His daughter's out in New York. She'll be out here very soon. He never sees her. He's just with her for six months straight. Please, Drew, he's listening. Don't give him the guilt. He's drunk. He's driving my car. Come on.

5:20 Drew Oh, my God.

5:21 Adam Yeah.

5:22 Drew Oh, my God. Daniel, I love you.

5:24 Adam That's right.

5:25 Drew But drive safely, please.

5:26 Adam There you go. All right. I got a full belly and I got a full heart and a full gizzard. So, 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1 is the phone number. Drew, you brought my flu shot tonight.

5:36 Drew I did bring it for you.

5:36 Adam That's going to feel good. And let's get right on the phones.

5:38 Drew We'll do it on the air, okay? I need a Lisa. I need a little bit of alcohol and a paper towel.

5:44 Adam Oh, please. I don't go for that sissy sterilization crap. Tyler?

5:50 Yeah?

5:51 Adam You're 14.

5:52 Caller Yeah.

5:52 Adam What's up?

5:53 Caller I just want to say that you guys kick ass.

5:55 Adam Thank you.

5:56 Especially you, Adam.

5:57 Adam Thank you.

5:58 Drew Especially you.

5:59 Yeah.

6:00 Adam Thank you. What's your question?

6:02 Caller Didn't have one.

6:03 All right.

6:03 Caller I want to say that I want to start the Adam Corolla cult.

6:07 Adam That's good.

6:08 Caller Yeah.

6:08 Drew Cult of what?

6:10 Caller You.

6:11 Adam Thank you.

6:11 Drew Thank you. Is that out there?

6:12 Dr. Drew, I love your website.

6:14 Drew Thank you.

6:14 Adam www.drdrew.com. Is that what you're talking about? Yes. All right.

6:19 Drew I'm going to go on a chat in there tonight. I brought my wife's computer, which actually is a PC and it'll work better than mine.

6:26 Adam All right. By the way, when you get the TV guide from this week, don't forget to vote for The Man Show, which is the best new show that's in the ballot. We both have things to plug tonight. Stephanie? Whatever. You're 24. What's going on?

6:41 Guest Hi. I have an amazing sexual relationship with my boyfriend, except for a problem. I can't seem to climax unless I rub my clitoris with my hand. My question is, how can I get out of this habit?

6:53 Drew Is it a habit or is it just something you need to do to?

6:55 Guest Total habit because I can't climax without doing it.

6:59 Drew But that didn't clarify my question. Is it a habit, something you can't control yourself from doing, you compulsively do, or is it something you need to do in order to have a climax?

7:11 Guest Something I need to do.

7:12 Drew Why is that a problem?

7:14 Guest I would like to enjoy different positions with him and climax while doing that.

7:19 Drew May not be possible.

7:21 Adam Can you have, his penis is in you when you have the orgasm? Yes.

7:27 Drew It's ahead of the curve.

7:28 Adam Way ahead of the curve, especially my curve. I had one girlfriend who could do it. She'd reach down and actually stimulate her clitoris with her hoof.

7:37 Guest With her what?

7:38 Adam Hoof, it was a little bit different.

7:40 Guest Oh, I do it with my hand. It's just annoying to me.

7:43 Adam I see. And what about oral sex?

7:47 Guest That's fine.

7:48 Drew Now is it annoying to you?

7:50 I don't know.

7:51 Drew You're a vaguer, respond to that.

7:52 Adam Jesus Christ, you're the world's dumbest callers. All right, so you can't have it during oral sex. You can only have it when you manually stimulate yourself. You can do it while you're having intercourse. You just have to stimulate yourself.

8:04 Guest I know, I do it while I'm having intercourse. During the process of intercourse.

8:09 Drew No, wait, no, wait. The deal, though, is is it that you're frustrated that your boy, is your husband boyfriend? Boyfriend cannot sort of do what you need him to do?

8:18 Guest No, it's frustrating, I think, for myself that I can't do an orgasm without doing that.

8:23 Drew Well, he's the one that's having trouble sort of helping you achieve that, right?

8:26 Guest I think he does everything possible.

8:28 Adam Right. Okay. But you never had one through oral sex, huh?

8:33 Guest No.

8:34 Adam I could give you one through oral sex. I really could. Does he do a good job orally?

8:39 Guest Yes.

8:40 Adam He does. Why don't you think you could have one during oral sex?

8:43 Guest I don't know. That's what my problem is. I don't know why. Even when he rubs my clitoris while having sex. I still can't have one. It has to be me rubbing.

8:54 Adam Settle, goofball. Listen, do you think you excessively masturbate or have you excessively masturbated in your life?

9:02 Guest No.

9:03 Adam But you do masturbate that way?

9:05 Guest Yes. When I do, I don't do it very frequently.

9:09 Adam You don't?

9:10 Guest No.

9:10 Adam And you never did?

9:11 Guest No. Maybe once every two months.

9:13 Adam Oh, God. I would explode. Actually, I don't know if I'd explode because I'd kill myself. I would theorize.

9:21 Drew That you might explode.

9:22 Adam Yeah. Scholars theorize that I would explode.

9:24 Drew Right.

9:25 Adam But it's a moot point because I would kill myself on week two and a half.

9:29 Drew There you go.

9:30 Adam All right. Well, that's the way you're cut out. And listen, gals, I don't care what Vogue or Cosmos says. You're all laid out just a little bit differently.

9:40 Drew Yes.

9:40 Adam Let me tell you something about the vagina. They're like snowflakes.

9:44 Drew Each one is different.

9:46 Adam That's right.

9:47 Drew All snowflakes.

9:48 Adam That's right.

9:49 Drew Each unique.

9:50 Adam Penis, like the Tootsie Roll. You couldn't tell the difference from the first one to the five millionth one. You could grab a Tootsie Roll in Singapore. You grab one in Australia. You wouldn't know.

10:00 Drew Same.

10:01 Adam Exactly the same. That's right. A little smaller in Singapore. Laura?

10:06 Caller Yeah?

10:07 Adam You're 13. What's up?

10:10 Caller I don't know. It's just like this stuff. Every time, like, I'll just be like walking around some day and I'll just feel it. And it's like mucousy. It's like.

10:19 Drew You're talking about a vaginal discharge, right? Are you sexually active?

10:23 Caller No.

10:24 Drew How long ago did you start having your period?

10:25 Caller I haven't had it yet.

10:27 Drew You're going to start having it. That's what's happening here. Yeah.

10:30 Caller Oh, because I was like, I didn't know what it was. You know.

10:32 Drew Yeah. Relax. Don't worry about it. And that will. You'll have that. That will be you. But that's a sign that you're sort of at the point where you're going to be having periods. And listen to her voice.

10:41 Adam Is that what that means? Yeah.

10:42 Drew She sounds like she's 7. Think of it as compared to some of the other 13, 14s we talked to.

10:46 Adam Yeah. Sound like they're nurses in Vietnam and they're chain smokers. They're in their late 50s. Ben?

10:55 Yeah.

10:56 Adam You're 22?

10:57 Caller Yeah.

10:58 Adam What's up?

10:59 Caller First of all, I'd like to say that I've listened to WHFS and they've been playing you guys on the radio for years. Yeah. And anyway.

11:09 Adam I want to give props to WHFS, you know. We don't talk too much about our affiliates, mainly because we're not sure which ones we're on. But.

11:18 Drew There are about five we know for sure.

11:20 Adam And WHFS is definitely one of them. That's cool. They saw fit to put us on.

11:25 Drew Early.

11:26 Adam Very, very, very early. And God bless them. Always been one of our strongest supporters.

11:33 Caller All right. Cool. Anyway, I have epilepsy. I have grand mal seizures. And I only I started having seizures in my senior year of high school. For I don't know what reason. Anyway.

11:48 Drew Were you doing drugs at the time?

11:49 Caller No. At that time, I had never done any drugs.

11:52 Drew Okay. And car accidents, head injuries, anything like that?

11:55 Caller No.

11:55 Drew And they have never figured out what the seizure was due to?

11:58 Caller Never. Always bugged me. Well, I can't dwell on that. But anyway, the only thing that keeps me seizure free is marijuana. I've tried every anti-seizure drug.

12:12 Drew Smoking marijuana or Marinal?

12:14 Caller Marijuana.

12:16 Drew Smoking marijuana.

12:17 Caller Right. Okay. You know, I've tried, I've been on every single anti-seizure medicine. And before I started smoking marijuana, I would average about one seizure a week and I've had up to...

12:31 Drew How would they occur? What were the manifestations?

12:34 Caller Just sometimes lack of sleep would bring it on.

12:38 Drew What, how many, what they, how you experienced them? How you knew you were having a seizure?

12:42 Caller Oh, well after I wake up.

12:44 Drew So you'd be on the floor shaking?

12:45 Caller Right. I would get totally unconscious. Alright. So I was averaging about one a week and I've had even up to three in one day. And the day after my last seizure, I started smoking marijuana just a little bit every night before I go to bed. And it's been over a year now. And mainly I wanted to get your guys' opinions and whether you support legalizing it for medical uses.

13:11 Drew Do you want to talk first? There's, there's, there's a couple of things.

13:15 Adam Okay. I, you know, since one is making something illegal, get people not to do it is one of my main, main points.

13:24 Drew So we're, you and I are favorite legalization. Yeah.

13:26 Adam Well, listen, whether it's gambling on football games, every goddamn office in the country has a football pool running every, every Sunday or marijuana, which has been, you know, going on longer in time. So no, I don't. Do I think it's good for you? Like, Hey, it's some kind of miracle drug. No. But, you know, in modern and also certain things work for certain people. And if you had seizures and you smoke pot and you don't have seizures, whether it's the placebo effect or whether it's marinol or whether, whether it's the, the lead paint that's on the outside of the bong that you're sucking on, whatever it is, if it works for you, who am I? And who is the government, by the way, to argue with this? And one of the things, I got a friend who wants a pot plant, you know, but it's like he doesn't want his house seized. And I think to myself, wait a minute, where are we living? We in Cuba, we in Russia, you pay a ton in taxes, you work hard, you want a goddamn pot plant in your backyard, you should be able to have one. Don't worry, the government's going to come take your house, you know?

14:36 Drew No, and, and, and, unfortunately, marijuana has got some very, very serious problems associated with it, but no, we can't enter into a rational discussion about it. Because people immediately want to compare it against alcohol and tobacco, which are evil, which are bad, and why, you know, why do we have to compare one bad against the other? But I think until it's legalized, we won't be able to have rational discussions about it. And I, I actually have difficulty believing Ben, because I have dealt with a lot of cases of medical marijuana and I have yet to see one in which marijuana addiction didn't figure into the use of the marijuana.

15:09 Adam Well, so what? He thinks it works.

15:11 Drew Yeah, if it's for real, then what the hell? He must continue this. I mean, it's important. Even though the potential risks there, many medications have risks associated with them.

15:20 Adam Yes, there's plenty of bad things out there.

15:22 Drew I don't believe that story because I've done enough, treated enough cases of medical marijuana. That's what I like to interview.

15:28 Adam Wish I was high. Jeff?

15:30 Yo.

15:30 Adam You're 30.

15:31 Caller Yeah, what's up Adam?

15:32 Adam I ate like, tonight like I'd smoked a bale of pot.

15:39 Caller Well, I've been there, done that. So, it's a good steak place, huh?

15:43 Adam Yeah, it's good.

15:44 Caller I'll have to check that out.

15:45 Adam Thank god I wasn't paying.

15:46 Caller Oh yeah, that's a little far for me to go for the night. But a couple things, real quick on the marijuana thing. You know, smoking is one thing. I mean, and of course, that's not good. Of course, Dr. Drew, but you know, it is an herb and every herb placed on the earth was placed here to do something good for every, for our first one or a few specific parts of the body, which we know, marijuana.

16:09 Drew Hey Jeff, you know, there are several different herbs you can get off the floor of rainforests in South America that will give you these very intense hallucinogenic experiences and then you die.

16:18 Caller Oh yeah, no, no, no, I'm not saying that.

16:20 Adam Yeah, hemlock, they're something that's important.

16:22 Caller Right, but all I'm saying is that, yeah, used in very specific ways, and of course under doctor supervision, but I'm just saying the smoking, that's more of the street way to utilize it. But you know.

16:36 Adam All right, Stoner, what do you want?

16:37 Caller But anyway, I want to say that, I want to ask you why were you always so down? I'm sure it's just part of your gig, but on Susan, Dr. Drew's wife, because I tried to call when she was on last week, and she sounds so hot and so fun.

16:53 Adam Well, she is hot. She's fun for 10 minutes out of the day. I've not seen her for that 10.

16:59 Drew You guys seem to have recouped the love, you and she.

17:03 Adam We refound a love that we never had.

17:05 Drew Yeah, it's there now.

17:08 Adam Now, Susan is a lovely woman. There's no arguing about that. She has been, she's got a lot of energy. It has had a lot of energy in the past.

17:21 Drew Which you hate. Adam hates.

17:22 Adam I don't like people with energy because it points out my own lethargy. I don't like people, I don't like anybody with energy, but especially it's unbecoming on women. I like a woman barefoot, pregnant, and napping. That's what I like.

17:37 Drew By the way, she is.

17:39 Adam I like them to nap in the kitchen, by the way, too.

17:42 Drew She is angry with you lately.

17:43 Adam No, she is not.

17:44 Drew No, they asked her to submit every potential route from Aspen to wherever the hell we have to go, Kentucky, so you can choose one. She was like, what?

17:52 Adam Yeah, she does her travel plans. I should stop beating on her if she's going to do my travel plans. But she's a wonderful lady. She's got a lot of energy. And in the past, she was a little too energetic for me.

18:07 Drew Now, all is well.

18:07 Adam Drew must be slipping or something because she's certainly mellowed over the last year and a half.

18:13 Drew She's happy.

18:14 Adam Is there some therapy? There's something going on here, Drew. You know what I mean? Bigger house, the kids are getting a little older, they're getting out.

18:20 Drew All the above.

18:21 Adam She's just relaxed.

18:22 Drew Yeah.

18:23 Adam I mean, for her, which is still like a ferret on a triple cappuccino, but she's still, she's mellowed like a fine wine. She'll turn to vinegar soon.

18:33 Drew She's been good all along. She's great.

18:35 Adam Drew is scared to death of this woman. And that's the fun part. Oh, come on, Drew. We had a porn star give us some, give Drew flowers. You wouldn't bring him home. He's such a wuss.

18:44 Drew That's not wuss. That's wuss. That's just being, Wuhuhuhuhs. That's just being thoughtful.

18:50 Adam If you were an Indian, you'd be from the Wuhusi tribe.

18:55 Drew Hey, I just signed on to, I finally got into a chat room at drdrew.com.

19:00 Adam Wuhuhuhuhs, Wuhuhuhuhs.

19:02 Drew If people want to join me, I'm in the relationships chat room at drdrew.com. I'll just let it run here. And see if you have messages for Adam, you can put them in the chat and I will relay them.

19:10 Adam Oh, don't bother. I'm not interested in hearing from any of you lowlives. Lisa's just informed me that my Valtrex kick genital herpes in the crotch commercial that I love so much is on. You see him, Lisa? What's she doing now? Oh, she's kickboxing. She's kickboxing. And what's she doing now?

19:30 Guest Running.

19:31 Adam All right. Then she'll get back to kickboxing.

19:33 Guest She's swimming.

19:34 Adam She's swimming. She'll get back to kickboxing in a minute. She kickboxing again? Oh, come on.

19:39 She's still swimming.

19:40 Adam She's still swimming? She's trying to watch those herpes off her.

19:43 Now she's walking out with her coach.

19:45 Adam All right. But she's not a coach. That's her man. She's going to start kickboxing again in a minute. All right. This is my favorite commercial on TV right now. You don't have to let a genital herpes slow you down. You can still be a professional kickboxer. And what if another, you know, they kickbox barefoot. What if another kickboxer kicked her in the crotch? Would they get herpes on the top of their foot?

20:07 Drew No, but there is something called a herpetic Whitlow, which is pretty nasty. You get it in the finger.

20:11 Adam I swear. I think I got that.

20:13 Drew Let's see it.

20:14 Adam No, I think I got it on my chin.

20:15 Drew No, that's just a herpes simplex.

20:17 Adam Yeah, but I didn't get it. I got it from a towel or something.

20:21 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

20:22 Adam No.

20:23 Drew Yeah.

20:24 Adam Oh, please, Drew.

20:25 Drew I've heard this story a million times.

20:26 Adam No, Drew. Now, we've talked about this. You know I'm right. Eugene?

20:31 If and you ain't the granddaddy of all liars.

20:33 Adam Eugene?

20:34 Yeah.

20:35 Adam You're 14?

20:36 Caller Yeah.

20:36 Adam What's up?

20:37 Guest I have a couple of things. But first, could you guys say hi to Gina, please?

20:40 Adam No.

20:41 Guest What do you want, Adam?

20:42 Drew Hi, Gina. Who's Gina?

20:44 Guest Adam, say hi.

20:45 Adam Hi, Gina. Now, you're going back on hold. Stephanie?

20:50 Yeah.

20:50 Adam You're 15.

20:51 Caller Yeah.

20:51 Adam What's up?

20:53 Caller About a week ago, me and my boyfriend, we were having sex, and we were just really caught up in the moment. I looked over on the nightstand and I saw this pocket knife. So I cut my hand open.

21:03 Adam Right.

21:03 Caller And I put some blood on my lips and on my breast. And at first, he looked really confused and scared about it. And then we just went in and you know, kissing my breast like that. And you know, it just got really intense. And we both had like the best orgasm we ever had.

21:19 Drew You're 15. How old is he?

21:21 Caller He's 16.

21:22 Drew And have you ever cut yourself before?

21:25 Caller Just like scratching myself with a safety pin or something.

21:28 Adam Sure.

21:29 Drew Yeah, not that much.

21:30 Adam Just normal stuff?

21:30 Drew Yeah, normal scratching.

21:31 Adam I did that earlier today. Yeah. And what's up with you with the pocket knife and the cutting and the safety pin scratching?

21:40 Caller It's just like, sometimes I'll scratch myself with a safety pin when I'm like, anxious or family.

21:46 Adam Right. It's probably not a good sign.

21:49 Caller No.

21:49 Adam So maybe you got some problems, right?

21:53 Caller I hope not.

21:53 Adam What do you think?

21:55 Caller Well, I don't know. I mean, I just, I just figured it was because of, you know.

21:58 Adam What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?

22:00 Caller The worst thing that's ever happened to me? In my family, not really me in general, but my dad molested my sister when she was like 14.

22:10 Drew Were you in the presence of that?

22:12 Caller No. I was almost taken out of home though by CPS.

22:15 Adam When she was 14?

22:17 Caller Yeah.

22:17 Drew Because of his behavior?

22:19 Caller Yeah. Just because of what he's done.

22:22 Adam Why does he wait 14 years for the-

22:25 Caller I don't know. He did it once when she was 9 too.

22:28 Adam Well, go ahead and I got to mention that. You know what we do all night, Drew? People tell us stuff that doesn't really add up or make sense, and then we question it and then we get to whatever it was. We thought it was the first time.

22:42 Drew All night.

22:43 Adam He started when she was 9.

22:45 Drew Probably when she was 5.

22:47 Adam Yeah. But how do you know when he started?

22:48 Drew Yeah.

22:49 Caller Well, he admitted to it when she was 9.

22:52 Adam Then he did it again at 14?

22:53 Caller Yeah.

22:54 Adam Well, they gave her a little break. Oh, boy. This is your dad too, right? Yes. He never did anything to you?

23:01 Caller No, he didn't.

23:03 Adam I know this sounds like a bizarre question, but-

23:05 Drew We have trouble believing that.

23:07 Adam No, no. I mean, I sort of do, but how does that make you feel? I mean, in a way, did it feel like he didn't like you, like he liked your sister?

23:14 Drew Oh, my God.

23:15 Caller No, actually-

23:16 Adam It's not that bizarre question.

23:17 Drew It's interesting.

23:18 Caller I never thought about that. It's just, I mean, I'm always nervous about being on him alone.

23:23 Adam Yeah.

23:24 Drew He did something. He must have physically abused you.

23:26 Adam How old is your sister now?

23:27 Caller She's 19.

23:28 Drew Did he physically abuse you?

23:30 Caller No. I mean, a few times verbally. I don't know whenever he gets really mad at me.

23:35 Adam All right. Hey, Stephanie.

23:37 Caller Yeah.

23:37 Adam Listen, even if he never laid a hand on you, the fact that you were living with a guy who was sexually touching your sister and who you didn't want to be alone with is enough to make you do some pretty weird things. And enough to warrant some therapy, all right?

23:55 Caller Yeah. Okay.

23:56 Adam And please don't cut on yourself and don't get pregnant.

23:59 Caller Oh, no. I don't know.

24:00 Drew And understand that traumas in childhood get converted into a sexual energy. And this was some sort of expression of all that rage and just aggression.

24:08 Adam I cannot imagine living under the roof with a guy who was my father and having the feeling like, well, he's, you know, he goosed my sister a couple of times. I don't think he's much interested in me, but I don't want to watch TV with him alone. And, you know, I don't want to get any ideas. So, you know, before I come out of the bathroom, make sure and put the bathrobe on. I don't want to walk out in the town, kind of get him excited or something. I mean, how bizarre is that when it's your dad?

24:38 Drew And picture the guy just just in your mind's eye, who is that guy?

24:42 Adam He's probably not going to F me, but I don't want to bring anything on. So, I got the low cut dress on because I'm going out to the prom, but I'll put a shawl over me so he doesn't get whipped up. He may have had a beer or so. Come here and give me a hug. Oh my God. Guys like that just need to be killed. That's it. That's it. Kill them. All right. We're going to take a little break. When we come back, we'll speak to... Come on, Drew. Don't do your job. Stop monkeying with the computer all the time.

25:18 Drew I don't see anything worth... Listen, if I don't put it up there, it's because it's not...

25:20 Adam I've got a line for it. We'll talk to Anthony. Fell through a roof, got scars on his head. Now girls are uninterested. Drew, that's good calling. What about Michelle here? She's 29. She's getting her stomach stapled.

25:32 Drew You know why I didn't see either of those? Because whenever I put anything that has a medical element to it, you complain about it.

25:37 Adam No, don't turn it on me. You're so caught up in your own computing world over there that you can't pay attention to the show anymore. Shut up, Drew. And will give me a flu shot.

25:46 Drew No, I'm not going to do it now.

25:47 Adam All right. Oh, all right. My bowels are obstructing just a little bit.

26:31 Drew Yeah. In fact, there was an interesting sort of odour.

26:34 Adam I ate the Texas Longhorn Mascot tonight. And nose ring and everything, man. I ate a ton that my belly is going to explode. But let me ask you this, Drew.

26:46 Yeah.

26:48 Adam How come my belly was going to explode? You know, five minutes ago, 20 minutes ago, and now it's starting to settle a little bit yet nothing has come out of me, except for the hot air that's been coming out of my mouth. Is it working its way somewhere?

27:00 Drew Yeah. The stomach actually crunches stuff up. I mean, it really works it.

27:03 Adam Like a compactor?

27:04 Drew Yeah.

27:04 Adam So it's like smaller than it was?

27:06 Drew It just worked in a way the stomach can deal with it better. And some of it's probably sort of poured out of the stomach too.

27:11 Adam Where's it going?

27:12 Drew Duodenum, small bowel.

27:13 Adam Duodetum?

27:14 Drew Duodetum. Do you know what your flu shot is?

27:17 Adam That's a magical brown village in the sky, the Duodetumville. Drew brought my flu shot.

27:24 Drew How am I going to get through that shirt?

27:25 Adam Oh, should I take it off or?

27:27 Drew Yeah, I guess so.

27:28 Adam All right, sailor. Hang tight. And listen.

27:32 Caller God, no!

27:33 Adam Drew brought my flu shot in. And let me, before you get happy with that needle, let me just say, let me put what I said about your wife in proper context.

27:41 Drew Now you know she's listening?

27:43 Adam Yeah. Well, now that you have a syringe.

27:44 Drew And you know she's listening. She called us during the break.

27:46 Adam She's a wonderful, well, first off, she's a humanitarian. No, she's a wonderful woman. And in the compliment, I was paying her a compliment, is what I was doing.

27:56 Drew Three kids.

27:57 Adam I know she's much better now, doesn't sound like a compliment. I was, hey, Drew. All right. What do you mean, relax? All right. Come on, but don't show off or anything. Just give me like the regular, like I'm one of your old patients, would you? And should you use your teeth that way?

28:14 Caller Ouch!

28:15 Adam That was it? Oh, that was good. Now what? I can sleep outside tonight?

28:20 Drew I'm gonna be sure not to stick myself with this needle. God knows what the hell I get from it.

28:23 Adam That's right. At least hepatitis. Anthony?

28:27 Yes.

28:28 Adam Really? Is it proper etiquette to yank the cap of the syringe off with your mouth, Drew?

28:33 Drew That is, don't you see that in ERs? We do all the time.

28:36 Adam Anthony?

28:37 Yes.

28:37 Adam You're 20. What's going on?

28:38 Caller I am 20. Yeah, I have more of a question for both of you. I am a very long time listener and I always wanted to call. Never could because the line is always busy.

28:48 Drew Is it hurting?

28:49 Adam No, feels good.

28:50 Drew Rub it if it hurts.

28:51 Caller Really?

28:52 Drew No, I'm just talking to Adam. Go ahead.

28:54 Caller I see. For me, before my injury, because I did get injured pretty bad. I was in a coma for two months, I believe. I was pretty, pretty, pretty bad.

29:08 Adam You fell through a roof?

29:09 Caller I fell off a roof.

29:11 Adam Off a roof?

29:11 Caller Well, I fell through a roof basically. I guess I wasn't watching where I was.

29:15 Adam It's time for a little Loveline recreation. You fell through a roof?

29:19 Drew I fell off a roof.

29:20 Adam You fell off a roof?

29:21 Drew Well, I fell through actually.

29:23 Adam Oh, I see. Anything but answer the damn question on this show.

29:28 Drew Affirmative. Anything but affirmative.

29:30 Adam Oh my God. I'll tell you guys, if you guys worked in like an air traffic controller's tower or something, it would be just complete and utter chaos. Planes would be taking off on top of each other. I mean, okay, the guy was in a coma. Give him a break.

29:47 Caller I guess that's why they called it a brain injury.

29:49 Adam Okay. Well, at least you have an excuse. So you fell through a roof.

29:53 Caller I fell through a roof.

29:54 Adam And what happened? What do you mean you fell through a roof?

29:59 Caller What do you mean by that?

30:01 Adam Well, I mean, were you on a house roof, a warehouse?

30:06 Caller I was roofing. That's what I was doing at the time. I was working with the company that my mom works for.

30:11 Adam I see.

30:12 Caller Who she still works for.

30:13 Adam Hold on a second.

30:14 Drew Oh, boy.

30:14 Adam Second generation roofer. That means there's already some brain damage in the family before the accident.

30:19 Drew Thank you for pointing that out. I needed that information. That's good.

30:22 Adam And you fell. How far did you fall, Anthony?

30:24 Caller I think it was 33 or 32 feet.

30:26 Adam Oh, boy.

30:27 Drew It's like three floors, right?

30:28 Adam Yeah. Well, 10 feet of floor. And you hit your head.

30:35 Caller Oh, pretty bad.

30:36 Adam And you went into a coma. And you also got some scars and stuff.

30:39 Caller Big time.

30:40 Drew Scarring in the brain, you mean?

30:42 Caller On my head, I do. Yeah. My head was completely swollen.

30:46 Drew What's the question for us tonight?

30:48 Caller Why? It seems like I go out there to talk to women. And I seem like I have a big time attitude, kind of. I've fully fallen off, like, the ugly boat, I guess you can say. I don't understand what's going on with me. I mean, it's pretty pretty bad when I look at myself, you know. I see all these scars. I got scars on my chest from sticking from them sticking tubes in me. I just...

31:11 Adam Yeah, but they don't... Hold on a second, Anthony. The women don't see that when you're wearing a shirt and you're at a bar.

31:16 Caller No, no, no. I'm talking about the old... I got one across my head.

31:20 Drew Forehead?

31:21 Caller And, you know, it's... I usually talk about it, you know, just kind of so they can feel the sympathy for me and kind of say, ooh, you know, I feel sorry for this guy.

31:31 Drew What's your question, though?

31:33 Caller My question is, why haven't any women necessarily felt attracted?

31:40 Drew Enough sympathy to be attracted.

31:42 Adam Well, listen, first off, I wasn't getting anything at 20 and I... Actually, I did fall off a roof, but I just hurt my ass and wrist. But the point is, is you're not necessarily gonna get chicks at 20 anyway, or maybe you will, but if you're sort of showing up at bars and trying to talk chicks into liking you, it ain't gonna work. Listen, listen, guys, I'm gonna say this for the last time, except for I'll repeat myself tomorrow and the next night, or whenever we're on next. You do your own thing and let women find you. Look at any guy who does well with women, doctor, lawyer, whatever, actor, whoever it is, whatever the guy does, it's a guy who struck off on his own, he's doing his own thing and women magically find him. They don't go to where the women are and try to convince them into liking them or as to why they're qualified. Women smell that ramp a mile away. Go do your thing. Do your thing and whatever it is because they don't really care what you do just as long as you're passionate about it and more interested in it than you are in them. And then once they realize you ain't too interested in them and you're more interested in your ass, then they come a running. That's right.

32:58 Drew I do want.

33:00 Okay.

33:01 Adam Tyler.

33:02 Hey, how's it going, Adam?

33:03 Adam Good, you're 15.

33:04 Caller Remember Monday?

33:05 Adam Oh, yeah. Hey, you called in and farted for us. You can do the, you got the blowhole.

33:10 Caller Yeah.

33:11 Adam Takes it in, pushes it out.

33:13 Caller Yeah, you know what? I've got this respect for you two guys. You guys have to deal with all these ego tarts all the time.

33:19 Adam Right.

33:20 Caller All right, well.

33:20 Adam Thank you for working that in.

33:22 Caller You want me to give you this right now?

33:23 Adam You got, you got.

33:24 Caller Yeah, here we go.

33:25 Adam Yeah, Tyler can fart on demand.

33:27 Caller Here we go. Here, I'll give you the in too.

33:30 Adam Yeah. There you go. It never, ever gets old.

33:48 Drew Kelly, you almost let Adam down, though. He's looking a little worried, like he...

33:51 Adam Well, there was a beat where I didn't hear anything, but then I heard him suck in, and then it came out again.

33:56 Yeah.

33:57 Adam Oh, man. With an ass like that, the world must be your oyster.

34:02 This conversation can serve no purpose anymore.

34:05 Adam There's just nothing you can't do with that, ain't it, Sears?

34:09 Caller Yeah, well, like the other night, somebody tried to tell you how to do it.

34:12 Adam Yeah.

34:12 Caller And he was saying, like, relax the stomach muscles.

34:15 Adam Right.

34:15 Caller He's got it all wrong. What you got to kind of do is like contract them so it like, almost like you're trying to breathe out of your ass, like really hard. Oh, my God.

34:26 Adam Really?

34:27 Caller And you got to relax the asshole really good.

34:28 Drew You're going to lie down on the floor and try again?

34:30 Adam Yeah.

34:30 Drew Okay.

34:32 Adam Yeah.

34:32 Caller Yeah. And it does help sometimes, like when I first learned to have one already, one that's not a fake one, but a real one. Because sometimes that one loosens up the sphincter for you.

34:45 Adam Yeah. They call that a primer.

34:48 Drew What sort of?

34:49 Adam You know, you have, you already have, it's like when you put a little gas in the carburetor, you know, you put a little gas there just to get it to turn once or twice, to start sucking the gas so the engine can get going. It's called priming it. They do it with pumps and carburetors. They do it with the anus too. You have one real fart to sort of get the balls rolling and then pow. The imitation fart or cultured fart as we like to call it on the show comes in. All right. So that's Tyler. Let's see if Tyler... Tyler?

35:18 Caller Yeah.

35:18 Adam Why don't you suck one more up? We're going to go to another quick call and we'll hop back with you, all right?

35:22 Caller All right.

35:23 Adam All righty. He's very casual about his talent. That's what I like about this, Tyler.

35:28 Drew He's found meaning in life now. I mean, he's got a purpose.

35:30 Adam He has. I have. What are you talking about? Mario?

35:34 Yeah.

35:34 Adam You're 20.

35:35 Caller Yeah. What's up, guys? Yeah. I've been going out with this exotic dancer for almost two years.

35:42 Adam Topless or topless and bottomless?

35:46 Caller I'm talking all of it. It's just gone, dude. I'm talking bottomless, topless, all of it. Anyways.

35:52 Adam Again, another answer that could have been summed up in two words.

35:55 Drew We get the one word. Yes.

35:57 Caller Right.

35:58 Adam All right.

35:59 Caller I've been going out with her for two years, and I like to go to the club and check up on her once in a while just to see how things are going. And one of her friends that dances there, too, kind of came on to me or whatever and wanted to take me into one of the little rooms where they do lap dances and stuff. And I was like, all right, cool. So I went up to my girlfriend and asked her when she was going on stage next, so I can go in the room with this girl. And then I went to the room with her while my girlfriend was on stage, and we messed around and stuff, right? Yeah. And see, my problem is...

36:35 Adam Well, wait a minute, she is getting naked and dancing in front of you, so how much messing around did you do above that?

36:42 Caller We messed around.

36:45 Adam And you were going out with your girlfriend for two years, how old is she?

36:50 Caller She's like 22.

36:52 Drew What is going on?

36:53 Adam You don't know how old she is exactly?

36:54 Caller She's 22.

36:55 Adam Okay.

36:56 Caller And I don't know, it's been on the rocks lately.

36:59 Adam All right. She's a little chaotic, I'm sure.

37:01 Caller She is, she's very psycho.

37:03 Adam How do you land a 20-year-old stripper when you're 18?

37:08 Caller I don't know, I just went in there and just kind of like, I was just minding my own business really. I wasn't really like buying lap dances or anything.

37:16 Adam Are you in a band?

37:17 Caller No.

37:18 Adam What do you do for a living?

37:20 Caller Right now, I just go to school. I'm pretty much a school loser pretty much. I just go to school and get it.

37:28 Drew Junior college?

37:28 Adam Junior college, right?

37:31 Caller Art college.

37:31 Adam Oh boy. The people at junior college make fun of the art college people. You draw that turtle and you're in. Or is it the pirate? Okay. Here's the point. This thing ain't going anywhere. So you might as well just have your kicks. Don't get anyone pregnant. Break up with your girlfriend. Screw around all you want. These chicks are all nuts. They're working at a nudie bar.

37:53 Drew You're adding to their suffering.

37:56 Adam I said break up.

37:58 Drew Wear a condom for sure.

38:00 Adam I said don't get anyone pregnant and break up. Let me just see if Tyler's got another quick fart. Tyler?

38:05 Caller Hi you guys. I'll give you the grand finale here.

38:07 Adam Yeah. Here we go.

38:08 Caller It's good talking to you two guys. I'll call you maybe a couple weeks.

38:11 Adam Call me at home tomorrow.

38:12 Drew Would you brother?

38:13 Caller Oh yeah, definitely. Here we go.

38:15 Adam All right. Oh, yes. There you go. Thank you, Tyler. It just never ever gets old. It just doesn't get old. It doesn't ever get old, especially that one and especially, aha, I was explaining at the top of the show that the vagina is like a snowflake, none of them exactly alike. That's what I love about the fart. There are subtle variations, but none are exactly alike.

39:01 Drew And it divides male and female understanding of humor, too.

39:06 Adam That's right.

39:07 Drew Every woman listener was like, what the hell is he doing?

39:09 Adam Except for the 5% of males who don't think it's funny, who I do not trust. We'll be right back. That's Anderson. All right, we will take ourselves a little break, and then we'll come back. Oh, it is Loveline. I got a full ass belly, but it's starting to slide out slowly.

40:00 Drew What does that mean?

40:02 Adam It's moving like a glacier. Final destination, Santa Monica Bay. Phone number, 1-800-L-E-E-191. Adam Carolla is like, Hey, next week, Loveline Kitties, we got Jeremy McGrath coming in here, and Incubus, and Elton John.

40:24 Drew You know who I met today? I was in a set of Sabrina with our friend Caroline Ray.

40:30 Adam Why?

40:32 Drew Talking about daytime TV and things like that.

40:34 Adam You and Caroline Ray?

40:35 Drew Yeah. Met Bobcat's brother. Bobcat Goldthwaite's brother is like an assistant director for Sabrina, the teenage witch.

40:44 Adam Is he older than Bobcat or younger?

40:46 Drew He looks like Bobcat, looks younger but no telling with Bobcat.

40:49 Adam Yeah. Wow.

40:50 Drew Isn't that wild? Looks like Bobcat. Like a healthy Bobcat.

40:54 Adam Alright. Good. He'll be glad to hear that. He does listen to the show a lot, Drew. Come on, please. Stephanie? You're 17?

41:02 Caller Yes.

41:02 Adam You're going out with X's best friend.

41:05 Caller Yeah.

41:06 Adam Not telling anyone.

41:07 Caller Nope.

41:08 Adam Who broke up with who?

41:10 Caller I broke up with him.

41:12 Adam Alright. So you can't say anything.

41:13 Caller Well.

41:14 Adam How long has it been?

41:15 Caller Since we broke up?

41:17 Three weeks.

41:18 Adam Three weeks. Okay. So you give it a couple more months.

41:22 Caller Of dating him?

41:23 Adam Well, no. I mean.

41:24 Drew Before you go public about it?

41:25 Adam You don't tell anybody.

41:26 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

41:27 Caller I know. But just in case he does find out, you know, it's kind of.

41:30 Drew He's bound to find out.

41:31 Guest He's bound to find out.

41:32 Adam Yeah.

41:33 Caller Because there's people that see me and him together.

41:35 Adam Well, yeah.

41:36 Caller We're mutual friends with. And I don't want to come between two best friends.

41:40 Adam Alright. You got to take it easy with that. I mean, take it easy on the dating. You got to lay low a little bit, is what I'm saying.

41:46 Drew Stay at somebody's house.

41:50 Adam Was he heartbroken when you dumped him?

41:52 Caller Pretty much, yeah.

41:53 Drew Did you dump him for this guy?

41:54 Caller No, I did not.

41:55 Drew How long were you apart before you started dating his best friend?

41:58 Caller About a week.

42:00 Adam Let's make it three days. Hey, Stephanie?

42:02 Caller Yeah.

42:03 Adam Okay. Let me explain a couple of things. Okay. All right. Listen very carefully, because you teenagers, you get all screwed up, you get tripped up, you don't know how to lie. Here's the way it goes. First off, whenever it is, you get caught, you started dating the day before. You understand? If you get caught in a week, you start dating six days from now.

42:25 Drew Yeah. Then when he finds out it's been six months, he's going to go, it's not that you started dating right away, man, it's that you lied about it.

42:31 Adam No, no. Don't screw with my points here.

42:32 Drew He'll pull that.

42:33 Adam Just listen. No only chicks pull that. No, listen to me. And go ahead and deny it and tell this guy to deny it. Because people will have some ideas, but they won't have any evidence. So to say, we're friends, sure we hang out a little bit, but nothing's going on. He's string that around for a couple of months and eventually everyone finds out, but it's okay because it's been three months since you guys went out. All right. I don't know what to say. Just lay a little bit low and when he eventually does find out, make sure he knows that you didn't leave him for this guy, and that you started dating some months afterward. Monica?

43:12 Yes.

43:12 Adam You're 29.

43:14 Caller Yes.

43:14 Adam Yes. What's up?

43:16 Caller Well, I was calling to talk to you guys about the past three nights that I've been listening to you on the air, about how sexy you are, Adam.

43:24 Adam That's right. Although no one can actually quantify it or put it in words. Or qualify it.

43:29 Caller I could probably quantify it. I did actually get to see you.

43:33 Adam Well, so far the best we've done as to why I'm sexy is because I hold still and let people talk.

43:39 Drew Without judging them.

43:40 Caller I saw you when you were at WVU at West Virginia University when you and Dr. Drew came.

43:45 Drew I forgot about it.

43:45 Caller We were fairly close.

43:47 Adam When was that?

43:48 Drew We were in West Virginia like a year and a half ago.

43:49 Caller A year ago.

43:50 Drew There's a kind of up on a hill there with a little holiday and we stayed there.

43:54 Adam Yeah. Is that where we went jogging?

43:57 Drew No, that was actually a year later. That was in Wisconsin.

44:00 Adam Oh, really?

44:01 Drew It was in West Virginia.

44:03 Adam Oh, yeah. I remember West Virginia. Yeah. You know what happened in West Virginia? What? I got home like really late back to the hotel and there was a message on my phone, you know, hotel phone message. It was like some drunken chicks. It was like two in the morning. You're like, Hey, Adam, where are you? Why don't you go over? Let's party and stuff.

44:21 Caller So, well, you know, Debbie View does have a fairly good reputation of being a very party town.

44:27 Adam Well, I got up the next morning early because we had to catch a flight and I called her like 715. And I said, hey, baby, this is Sam.

44:34 Caller She's like, huh?

44:35 Adam Who? This is Adam Corolla.

44:38 Caller What?

44:40 Adam I said, let's party. She's like, I'm sleeping. Well, I said, what are you talking about? Come on, baby. I want to party.

44:48 Caller You blow your chances when you do stuff like that. You call a drunk girl the morning after at 715. What do you expect?

44:54 Adam I was just having with her. And she's like, I got to take a test today. I was like, oh, baby, you can take a test any day. I'm leaving town. Let's party. I swear to God. So anyway, what were you saying there, Monica?

45:06 Caller I'm going to say flat out with two things. First thing was you have a really nice butt. So that was why you're really sexy.

45:13 Adam Yeah. There you go.

45:15 Caller And the second thing was that you had two girls like laying on top of you like half of the night there. So I don't know like while you were on stage. So I don't know like why you're complaining that you can't get chicks who they were like throwing themselves at you right there.

45:28 Adam In West Virginia?

45:29 Caller Yes.

45:30 Adam Huh. I don't remember that.

45:31 Caller I remember that.

45:31 Adam Did they come up on?

45:32 Caller I remember the guy who tried to get on stage to sit in Dr. Drew's lap as well. But you guys wouldn't let him do that.

45:38 Adam Wow. We had girls come up and sit in my lap?

45:40 Caller Yes.

45:41 Adam Wow. Well, thank you, Monica.

45:43 Drew We've done a lot of these. It's funny that we can't remember. It was strange. It had to be the only one we'd probably remember what happened.

45:51 Adam I remember West Virginia, but I don't remember the chicks on the lamp. Eric?

45:57 Drew Yes, sir. That was the one. Hang on a second. That was when we got back downstairs. Remember we had to go through a whole maze downstairs, and there was this Asian woman waiting for us in the-

46:05 Adam Oh, it was in her 50s?

46:06 Drew Yes.

46:07 Adam Oh, really? Was that that gig? That's right.

46:08 Drew That was us for dinner.

46:09 Adam You guys are funny.

46:12 Caller Hey, I'm the guy that sent you that note a week or so ago about the families in Minnesota that were costing us so much money.

46:18 Drew Very interesting. I still have that. I appreciate that.

46:21 Adam You still have it or it's sitting behind me, Drew, in a pile?

46:24 Caller It could be-

46:24 Drew I thought I took a copy with me.

46:26 Adam All right, Eric. Go ahead.

46:27 Caller I read the thing and I thought of you guys right away, and it smacks so much of what you guys talk about every night. If you read the thing about the families-

46:35 Drew It's a little more- It's a little more maudlin because it focuses in on families with kids who are profoundly disabled and how much it costs, which it sounds like a million dollars a year for some of these families.

46:46 Caller Well, you know, for everyone that was in there, that's $150,000. Imagine there's probably 50 of them that are costing us $30,000, and all of us are paying for that. I mean, I don't know what we can do as a society to fix this problem, but it's-

46:58 Drew Well, Adam knows.

46:59 Adam Let me tell you, let me say this, Eric. First off, it's everyone's fault but mine.

47:04 Caller You're right.

47:05 Adam That's the first thing I want to say. Number two, the different sides are so effed up on this topic. For instance, the Republicans are the ones, the conservative Republicans, the Rush Limbaugh's of the world are the ones who say, screw these people, we shouldn't pay for them. If we pay for their welfare, we should get them drug testing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's an asshole. Fine. These are also the same people that have a big problem with abortion, that have a big problem with contraception being passed out or talked about at school, that have a big problem with the morning after pill, that have a big problem with RU 486, they have a big problem with all forms of conception, or contraception, I should say, except for once they have the kids, they hate them. Now, the other side wants to love and baby the kids, the left-wing Democrats, they want to pay for everybody, and they want to provide, but they want to provide the contraception too. They're both kind of speaking out of both sides of their ass. Listen, you Republican idiots, I'm with you. You don't want to pay for these kids? Good, let's not let them have them. But don't pick it when the school wants to hand out condoms, you idiots. All right, we'll take a little break, we'll be back.

48:25 Caller Let's have some more fun.

48:26 Caller Okay, let's do it.

48:28 Caller Call Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

48:33 Caller Loveline will be right back.

49:09 Adam It is Loveline. We'll take a quick break. We'll be back in 10 seconds.

49:28 Adam Yeah, it is Loveline and Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. All right. I don't want to get too political here, Drew.

49:39 Drew Good.

49:39 Adam Where the hell were we?

49:40 Drew Three.

49:41 Adam But let me just say one last thing about these Republicans. You idiots. Here's what the conservatives are for. You should be able to have assault rifles because it's a free country and that's your right, and you haven't committed any crime. But if you grow a pot plant in your yard, you should be arrested and hold off to jail.

49:59 Drew That's immoral.

50:00 Adam Right. Okay, idiots. Do you understand there's a basic principle that you guys are screwing up there? There's a problem with your logic, and that's why it's hard to get on board. Idiots. Left wing's just effed up. Michelle?

50:17 Yeah.

50:18 Adam You know what? You know why the left wing and the right wing just argue back and forth all day long?

50:23 Drew Can't drug test the-

50:24 Why would that be?

50:24 Adam Republicans and Democrats? Because they're both about half right. Republicans have it- As for presidents. They have it half right with about half the issues, and the Democrats are half right the other half, and they just argue until they're blue in the face. And neither one of them will correct the half that isn't right. If they would, they could create some super party, but they won't budge. All right, Michelle. Thank you. What's up?

50:52 Actually, I call them bailing. I'm one of them borderline truly screwed up in life people that think that one little thing is going to go bam and change their lives. And that's the bypass surgery.

51:09 Drew Cardiac bypass?

51:10 Adam Oh, shut up. Stomach bypass?

51:12 It's like a stomach bypass. It bypasses the stomach and the intestines.

51:17 Drew Well, those are our manager had that procedure done.

51:19 Adam Yeah, he had it done a second time actually where now it goes right into the toilet.

51:24 Yeah.

51:25 Adam It used to be that when he dumped the milkshake in his mouth, it would just make its way past the stomach. Now it actually falls right into my toilet.

51:32 Yeah. I mean, I was just-

51:33 Adam Actually 15% of it ends up in my toilet.

51:35 What I'm more afraid of it, I'm afraid of the surgery, but I'm afraid that I'm never going to be able to change anything.

51:41 Adam Well, how much do you weigh now?

51:42 I weigh about 300 pounds.

51:44 Adam And you've tried exercise and diet and all that?

51:47 I was one of them kids at 14 that had the food police in their house.

51:50 Drew What does that mean?

51:53 They threw out every piece of junk food. I was only allowed strawberries and jello for three years for breakfast.

51:59 Drew That's nice.

52:00 I mean, I weighed 150 pounds when I was on prescription diet pills at 14.

52:06 Adam So you have a genetic problem.

52:07 Yeah.

52:09 Adam And listen, most people that are overweight do. So we should leave alone just a little bit. Well, listen, our manager had this.

52:18 Yeah.

52:19 Adam And it was fairly effective until he found a way to liquefy bacon. And now he's starting to put it back up again. But had he not started drinking the fat trimmings at the bottom of the Denny's broiler tray there, he'd probably still be down.

52:37 I would rather do it on my own.

52:39 Adam I know. But listen, you got a genetic problem here.

52:43 Drew And it doesn't change. There's different theories about this. Where do you live?

52:49 Adam Where do I live? North Hollywood. Where does she live? Oh. Michelle?

52:53 Yeah.

52:54 Adam Where do you live?

52:54 In Trenton, Ohio.

52:56 Adam Trenton, Ohio.

52:57 Oh, God.

52:58 Adam Beautiful country.

52:59 Drew I know that Duke...

52:59 Adam Well, listen, do you think people know you don't know you're overweight?

53:03 Oh, yeah.

53:04 Adam All righty then.

53:05 There are certain people I know right now.

53:07 Drew Duke, Duke and UCLA, they're programs that have places you can go, programs you can go and spend some time learning about nutrition and diet and exercise.

53:14 Yeah. I mean, I've had it shoved down my throat. It's not that I don't know.

53:17 Drew Yeah, you haven't had it shoved down. You've had very bizarre, intrusive kinds of ideas shoved down your throat and some real modern treatment.

53:24 Adam All right, but wait a minute.

53:25 Drew Well, and then if that fails...

53:26 I've done the diets, I've done the diet pills, I've done the... Oh, you got an exercise. They've got me now. I went to the doctor about two months ago. They put me on Wellbutrin and then put me on a 1,200-calorie diet. And I'm like, I've been here before. And then usually what happens with that, it's like you lose the weight, but then when you get off of all that and you quit the 1,200-calorie diet and you quit the pills, you get that and more back.

53:52 Drew And more, yeah. That's what happens usually.

53:54 Adam All right. Well, let her get the surgery.

53:57 Drew Yeah, there's people who have kids with the surgery and it can work.

54:00 Adam Well, it can save your life if you're morbidly obese. What is morbidly obese, Drew? How much overweight?

54:06 Drew I think it's 100 pounds over your ideal body weight, if I remember right.

54:09 Adam Right. And I'm telling you, a chick makes out that ideal body weight thing. You ever look at that chart?

54:15 Drew Yeah, they're nonsensical sometimes. But there's different ones.

54:18 Adam Certainly not in LA. Must be a chick from Nebraska makes that thing out. Because you look at the woman chart, you go down the thing, let's see, I'm 5'5. I can weigh between 157 and 171. It's like, wait a minute, you see a chick who's 5'5, and she's up around 162, it's like, You're fat. Oh, Drew, please, not fat. But the point is, especially out here in LA, I mean, that chart ain't working. I think it's a little light for the dudes, a little heavy for the chicks. It's got to be a lesbian. No, lesbians don't like women. No, they don't like men. That's right. They like women. Okay. It's got to be a lesbian making that thing out. You're right, Drew. You're right about the lesbians in the chart. Kim?

55:01 Guest Yes.

55:02 Adam You're 21.

55:03 Guest Hi.

55:03 Adam What's up?

55:05 Guest First off, I just want to say, I just started listening to your show for the first time tonight, and blonde that I am, I heard you guys are on MTV.

55:13 Caller I'm like, wait a minute, this is the same show.

55:15 Caller Yeah.

55:17 Caller Are you stupid or something?

55:19 Adam Hey, you just started listening tonight.

55:21 Guest Yeah. I work really odd hours.

55:24 Adam All right.

55:25 Guest This is the first time I actually got home at a decent hour. And I turned on the radio and I was searching for something to listen to. I'm like, there we go. That's a lot of stuff.

55:33 Adam Well, thank you. You got a radio in your car?

55:37 Guest Unfortunately, it's broken.

55:39 Adam Yeah. Listen, you got to fix that thing.

55:41 Guest I know.

55:42 Adam How long has it been broken?

55:44 Guest Oh, God.

55:45 Four months.

55:46 Adam I would kill myself on month number three.

55:49 Guest You do not know how long trips get.

55:51 Adam Once you fix the radio, be good to yourself.

55:53 Drew Get a little transistor or something.

55:54 Guest Yeah. I have bills to pay.

55:56 Drew I do not call them transistors anymore. Do they? Walkman? What do they call them?

56:00 Guest Well, I do not want to get in trouble. That is the only thing.

56:03 Adam All right, Kim. What is your question?

56:04 Guest Okay. I have been in a relationship for almost three months. We have known each other for two. We started seeing each other and then we had sex. For some odd reason, I felt really guilty about it.

56:22 Drew About having had sex? Yeah. Well, you waited a long time to relinquish your virginity, right? Well, yeah.

56:29 Guest Just for the fact that I came, whoever picked up the phone, I can't remember her name.

56:35 Drew Lisa.

56:36 Guest Yeah. She asked me if I came from a religious background and like, yeah, my family is Catholic.

56:42 Drew But hyper-religious. Were they pounding on you in some way? You feel guilty about your sexuality. I'm reading a book right now. It's about to be published about the history of adolescent sexuality, adolescent sex education. Hang on a second.

56:55 Adam Would you shut up, Kim?

56:58 Drew There's all this stuff about adolescents and their sexuality and suppressing it. It started in like Victorian England basically. There really wasn't around that much before that. Most of it was focused on men, interestingly.

57:09 Adam Well, they're the ones who are the fire starters.

57:13 Drew But you know how we have the strange conception now that women are taught it's bad, that those are dirty places and that's why they don't masturbate or whatever. It's not true. All this stuff was focused on men because appropriately they're the ones you got to control.

57:22 Adam Right. But now, but it has been focused on women for a little while. Wait a minute. I think I may light a fart. Go ahead, Kim. Speaking of inappropriate sexuality.

57:32 Drew This is by the way something he doesn't do on the television show.

57:33 Adam Shut the light, Drew. Come on.

57:35 Guest Well, just one other thing real quick.

57:38 Drew Yeah.

57:39 Guest So, all right. Now I'm like, now I've had sex and I like it. Now it's to a point where I feel a little odd.

57:49 Caller Huh?

57:50 Adam Oh, listen, don't let us interrupt your inane ramblings, Kim. Just keep going.

57:55 I'm a rambler, too, mate.

57:57 Adam OK. Hold on. Would you have some decorum? I was trying to light a fart. OK? And you interrupted.

58:04 Guest OK. Go ahead.

58:05 Adam Well, now it's too light.

58:06 Drew Was that yours, that noise? Or was that somebody else's drawing?

58:08 Adam It was me.

58:08 Guest Would you like me to try?

58:10 Drew Oh my god.

58:11 Adam Thank you. Oh, I got a lighter now.

58:14 All right.

58:14 Adam Hey, Kim?

58:15 Guest Yeah.

58:16 Oh.

58:16 Guest Oh.

58:17 Adam Oh. Do I want to know? You wish that baby would have lit, Drew. Thank you. That was half. A heifer coming out of me. Hey, Kim, listen to me. I'm bored with this call already. Now, you were a virgin because your family was religious and you got a little screwy, right?

58:43 Caller Yeah.

58:43 Drew She feels guilty after she has finally had sex.

58:45 Adam Are you religious now?

58:47 Caller No.

58:47 Adam Did you think you're going to save your virginity until you got married?

58:51 No, I kind of feel better.

58:52 Adam All right. Well, then you checked it off the list. Okay, fine. You've been hanging on to this for quite some time. I mean, you hit puberty eight years ago, so fine. You're going to have feelings with this. They'll subside. Yeah. All women do.

59:08 Drew Yeah. I mean, at least she's weighted and she's a mature adult and it's all right. I mean, she has all sorts of interesting sort of remnant fantasies attached to what this means to her. That's just insane. What was that?

59:20 Adam Whatever.

59:20 Drew Man.

59:21 Adam It was everything.

59:23 Drew What are you doing that for?

59:24 Adam I don't know.

59:25 Caller Always try to remember what to do if the atom bomb explodes right then. It's a bomb. Duck and cover.

59:32 Adam Tina.

59:32 Drew I really thought about ducking and covering.

59:34 Adam Tina, you're 18. I mean, 16. What's up?

59:39 Drew Tina.

59:40 Okay. Well, I'm adopted. And my parents first told me when I was like seven. So they wanted me to sort of get accustomed to it. I don't know.

59:52 Drew And you really didn't know that before that?

59:54 I don't know. I went to therapy like when I was younger and I went back like 10 years later. And the woman said that she could tell that like at a young age I knew, but I don't remember. But okay. So the past few years, like the past two or three years, she contacted my family. Well, she sent us like Christmas cards.

1:00:18 Drew Who did?

1:00:19 My birth mother.

1:00:20 Drew I see.

1:00:21 She sent me a birthday card and she sent our family Christmas cards. And this past Christmas, she sent me $100 and a card that says, I hope to see you soon.

1:00:31 Drew Oh, boy.

1:00:32 And I'm feeling a lot of like self pressure. I don't know. Like I'm going to go to college soon. And I'm lately I've been feeling really sad and like unfulfilled with my life. Like I want to make a change.

1:00:45 Drew All right. Young?

1:00:47 Huh?

1:00:48 Drew You're going to college young? Early?

1:00:50 No. Well, no.

1:00:51 Adam Use the mic. Would you please?

1:00:52 Drew No, this thing disconnects. You're a junior.

1:00:55 I'm thinking about colleges and stuff and what I want to do with my life.

1:00:58 Adam You're not going to college for a year and a half.

1:01:01 Yeah, I know, but my school...

1:01:02 Adam It's a real long time when you're 16.

1:01:05 Caller I guess so.

1:01:06 Drew You're saying you're depressed.

1:01:07 Caller Yeah, lately, things don't seem like they've been going my way.

1:01:11 Drew All right, but again, 16 have depressive symptoms, very common, but I don't understand how the contact from the mother figures into that, except it's just another thing to destabilize her affect, I think.

1:01:22 Adam I don't know about the, I'm guessing, hippie parents. What parents tell you you're adopted at 7?

1:01:29 Drew Yeah.

1:01:30 Adam You know what I mean?

1:01:31 Drew That's my age. My kids are my age.

1:01:33 Adam Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, kids, listen, you know, put down the Power Rangers over there and the Pokeman and forget about the Easter Bunny, come here for a second. You came from another vagina, okay? And the reason you're adopted is because your mom's, what's called a junkie, junkie, you know what junkie is? It's someone who shoots heroin. And your father is what you call Pimp. Pimp's a guy who sells women sexually, so that other guys can have sex with them for money. And he's in prison now. He's what's called someone's bitch because his ass is being passed around in prison. And so your biological mom, and that's where you get your genes. See, that's why we don't look the same. That's why you're shorter and your nose is wider. She's on what you call crack. And she's still a whore, but she doesn't have the pimp anymore, which is your biological father, because, like I said, he's in prison. Now, listen up, kids, because we're going to eat soon. She's living in what we call Flophouse with other whores and pimps, but not her pimp, her pimp's in jail. That's your father. And that's where you come from. Now, the reason we came in is because they were more interested in getting high than raising you. So we had to come in so we could feed you and whatnot. But I just want to let you know, give you a little heads up on where you're from, your origins. It's important to know that. We're not quite sure where they're from, so we don't know what you are exactly, although we do know you're not what we are. Okay. Anyway, let's continue with the Pokemon there. Let's watch some Powerpuff Girls and then we'll call it a night. You guys get some sleep tonight, okay? Sweet dreams?

1:03:18 Caller Yeah.

1:03:19 Drew Empathic failure.

1:03:20 Adam Yeah. I know that's exactly how the conversation went down. But hey, Tina?

1:03:25 Caller Yeah.

1:03:26 Adam Were your parents hippie parents?

1:03:28 Caller No.

1:03:28 Guest I'm like, listen, dude.

1:03:30 Caller I'm like, oh my God.

1:03:31 Adam That's exactly what happened, right?

1:03:32 Caller No.

1:03:33 Adam Yes. Now, why did they tell you at seven you were adopted?

1:03:36 Caller My parents are like really old school. They're really old.

1:03:39 Adam Why would they tell you at seven you were adopted? I don't know.

1:03:42 Caller It's not like.

1:03:42 Adam Uh-huh. Don't treat kids like adults. As a matter of fact, don't treat adults like adults. That's my policy.

1:03:50 Drew Treat adults like kids.

1:03:52 Adam And treat kids?

1:03:52 Drew No, like kids.

1:03:53 Adam Zygots. You shouldn't even talk to them. You treat adults like kids, kids like zygotes, and animals like embryos. That's the way I go through life. Dustin?

1:04:10 Caller Yeah?

1:04:11 Adam You're 14.

1:04:12 Caller Huh?

1:04:13 Adam Okay. You are the other kid who farts, right?

1:04:17 Caller Yes.

1:04:17 Adam Okay. And you heard Tyler?

1:04:20 Caller Yeah.

1:04:20 Adam Yeah. Who's very solid. I mean, you got to, I know you're jealous in a way, and I know there's a certain competitive nature that your a-hole has, but you got to give props to Tyler, who did a nice bit of farting about a half hour ago on the show, right?

1:04:34 Caller He's pretty good.

1:04:35 Adam He's pretty good. Did you hear that granddaddy one he let go at the end?

1:04:40 Caller I know. I didn't.

1:04:42 Adam I'll tell you, that thing was longer than the rind.

1:04:47 Drew God. Where are you today? Did you drink at that restaurant?

1:04:51 Adam I had a cocktail. What of it? You want a good ass whooping? It makes me funnier. Please.

1:04:59 Drew I did smell it tonight.

1:05:01 Adam You didn't? Because I ate six loaves of bread and half a cow. All right. Hey, listen, Tyler, if you're listening, call in on that hotline because we have some dueling answers here. Now, Dustin?

1:05:12 Caller Yeah?

1:05:13 Adam Let's see what you can muster for us because I got to tell you there's only room for two a-holes on this show. Mine's one of them.

1:05:20 Caller I've been holding it in since the last two callers.

1:05:23 Adam Well, what do you got? Do you got anything?

1:05:25 Caller Yeah, I do.

1:05:26 Adam Let's see what you got.

1:05:27 Caller Okay.

1:05:27 Adam Just a second.

1:05:28 Caller Get in position.

1:05:40 Adam That had some flapping action to it. How do you flap? You're asking not to flap that way, can't it?

1:05:49 Caller It's very easy, actually, to do that.

1:05:51 Adam Can you soak up some more air?

1:05:54 Caller Oh, yeah, it should give me a while.

1:05:55 Adam Well, how long do you need? Because, Tyler, you only need one call.

1:05:59 Caller No, no, no, it's just...

1:06:01 Caller I'm in a position right now, so just a second.

1:06:04 Adam Okay. The position, by the way, according to Dustin, is on his back with his knees and his ears.

1:06:10 Caller No, that was the other guy.

1:06:11 Adam Oh, sorry, what?

1:06:13 Caller What I usually do is put my legs up to the wall and put my head on a pillow.

1:06:16 Adam That's right. And I get in the fetal position and cry.

1:06:20 Drew I do that.

1:06:21 Adam Oh, that's Drew.

1:06:21 Drew That's me.

1:06:22 Adam That's right. That's when I fart. That's right. OK, so what? You put your legs up against the wall? Oh, he can't hear us now. He's soaking up. Well, let him get another one going. Can we punch Tyler up here? You know, it's nice. Hey, Tyler. Yeah, there's some young upstart kid who's making a run at the throne.

1:06:45 Caller Yeah, I'm hearing this guy. He's he's he takes too long.

1:06:48 Adam Yeah.

1:06:49 Caller Well, yeah.

1:06:50 Caller All right, here we go. Hold up. Hold on.

1:06:53 Adam Justin, work something up, would you, brother?

1:06:55 Caller Here we go.

1:06:55 Adam You have to count it. It's the best of three.

1:07:04 Drew That had volume.

1:07:05 Adam Had volume, that had sustaining power, and inertia, it had everything.

1:07:12 Caller Ooh, that was wet.

1:07:13 Adam Yeah. Tyler.

1:07:21 Caller Huh?

1:07:22 Caller Here we go. I got one more here.

1:07:23 Adam All right, one more.

1:07:29 Caller Disqualified.

1:07:31 Caller You want to hear my second one?

1:07:32 Adam Yeah, second. Come on.

1:07:33 Caller Okay, here we go.

1:07:34 Adam Go ahead, Dustin.

1:07:40 Caller Oh, that one hurt.

1:07:41 Adam Yeah, all right.

1:07:43 Caller Hey, ask him, how come we can't hear him on the way in?

1:07:47 Adam Yeah, that's a good question, Dustin.

1:07:49 Caller What?

1:07:50 Adam Why can't we hear the air entering your anus? How come we can only hear it exiting?

1:07:54 Caller You want to hear it enter?

1:07:56 Adam Yeah, I'd like to hear the entrance.

1:07:57 Caller Okay, I'm sorry.

1:07:57 Caller I didn't hear that.

1:07:58 Adam Hold on.

1:07:59 Caller Could you sign it?

1:07:59 Adam All right.

1:08:00 Caller We'll catch her.

1:08:12 Adam That's your mouth, you son of a bitch.

1:08:14 Caller What?

1:08:15 Adam I didn't hear anything come in. I heard a little-

1:08:17 Caller I didn't hear any entrance there.

1:08:18 Adam Yeah, it just came in your mouth, Dustin.

1:08:21 Caller What?

1:08:21 Adam Hold on a second, Dustin. Just hang on. Hang on a second. Oh, for Christ's sake. Now, where's Tyler?

1:08:27 Caller Is Tyler there?

1:08:28 Adam Tyler?

1:08:29 Caller Yeah.

1:08:30 Adam Listen, you're the ass king of this show.

1:08:33 Caller Yeah.

1:08:34 Adam There's only room for two anuses, as I was explaining earlier. Mine and yours.

1:08:39 Caller Exactly.

1:08:40 Adam Now, if something should happen to your anus, if for some reason it can't fulfill its duties, then of course Dustin would step in.

1:08:51 Caller Yeah.

1:08:51 Adam Because he is first runner up.

1:08:53 Caller Exactly.

1:08:53 Adam Or actually runner up, I should say.

1:08:55 Caller You know what I'm thinking? That'd be really nice if I could start giving lessons. Like, yeah, instead of going to a guitar lesson, I got to go to my farting lesson tonight.

1:09:03 Adam Well, here's the thing, Tyler, and I don't want you, I think you're minimizing your gift here a little bit.

1:09:09 Caller Yeah.

1:09:10 Adam It'd be like Michael Jordan giving lessons on jumping. You know what I'm saying? It's just either you can do it or you can't. There's only, you know, one tenth of one percent of society can do it. The few gifted people that can do this, that possess that skill, and trying to teach them how to do it, it'd be like a bird trying to teach you how to fly. Yeah. It just, it just can't do it. So, so I don't think you can teach someone to do this, Tyler. I think you were, I think, I think that God touched you with this. Yeah. I think there's a reason you were touched by God. I think your anus is meant to do things. I don't know what it is yet, but I know God doesn't do this without a reason. I'm a firm believer in that. I know possibly that maybe it's teaching, maybe it's working with kids in your anus. Yeah. Maybe it's reaching out to the elderly, you know, using your anus.

1:10:15 Drew Asshole.

1:10:15 Adam Maybe it's traveling to other countries and teaching them about your anus. But whatever it is, it's definitely a gift. And I believe when someone gets a gift, they can't squander it. Right, Drew?

1:10:26 Drew Of course. I'm listening carefully.

1:10:28 Adam Okay. So, Tyler, why don't you see if you can work one more up before we go on a commercial break and then you'll be the official Loveline A-hole. All right. Here we go. Look, I dropped the phone. Wow. That is golden. That is golden. Now, that's a real fart, because let me tell you something, May Anderson, let me tell you why that's a real fart. 15 year olds, they don't drop the phone on the way to the real fart. You know what I mean? Lying on their back with their feet kicked over their head. They don't lose grip of the phone and drop it and, you know, they just do it.

1:11:26 Caller Yeah.

1:11:27 Adam That's real. Yeah, I know. Oh, okay. All right. Anderson was demonstrating the two palms on the mouth thing with the phone fall in between it. Now, that was real. I know you don't want to believe. There's always skeptics. All the greats had their detractors. You know that, Drew?

1:11:44 Drew All of them?

1:11:45 Adam All of them, including...

1:11:47 Drew This is the Mozart of the...

1:11:48 Adam Tyler and his anus. That's right.

1:11:50 Drew I see.

1:11:50 Adam Okay. We're going to take ourselves a little break. We'll be back.

1:11:54 Drew Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. Back in a minute.

1:11:57 Adam Well, it's worth hearing. Let's see, it is the Loveline. Your humble host, Adam Carolla, that is Dr. Drew over there. Hey, we got a little lighting ramp coming up tonight. Kids, hang on for the lighting ramp. All right.

1:12:44 Drew That's right, Jimmy. That was Jimmy.

1:12:47 Adam Oh, that was Jimmy doing an impersonation of me.

1:12:49 Drew Yes.

1:12:49 Adam That son of a bitch. All right, well, I just had dinner with the left one tonight. Christina?

1:12:57 Guest Yes.

1:12:57 Adam I'll tell you, if I went gayer, I mean gay, I'd go with Jimmy.

1:13:00 Drew Gayer.

1:13:02 Adam Christina, you're 29.

1:13:03 Guest Yes.

1:13:04 Adam Okay.

1:13:06 Caller What's up?

1:13:08 Guest I wanted to say Adam Corolla for president.

1:13:11 Adam Thank you very much.

1:13:12 Guest I agree.

1:13:13 Drew Thank you.

1:13:14 Guest They're half right, both of them.

1:13:16 Caller That's right.

1:13:18 Guest I am a woman and I think farts are funny, although a lot of people get easily offended.

1:13:24 Drew I think screener Lisa is into it a little bit, actually. I appreciate your humor, which you've never had anyone in this building with 2X chromosomes who actually found your scatological humor good.

1:13:35 Adam That's true, or any of my humor, really.

1:13:37 Drew For that matter, yeah.

1:13:37 Adam Although I don't do any other than scatological.

1:13:39 Drew That's true.

1:13:41 Adam Thank you, Lisa. She knows where bread is buttered. So Christina, you like a good fart.

1:13:46 Caller Yeah.

1:13:47 Adam Now, what about when the man farts on you? That's bad?

1:13:52 Caller That's nasty. No, my husband farts all the time, but I.

1:13:57 Drew Would you be like Adam, would you like applaud and.

1:13:59 Caller Yes, I told him that was a good one.

1:14:00 Drew That was all right. Offer appreciation.

1:14:02 Guest I feel sorry for the guys he works with, though.

1:14:04 Adam Wow. They do a lot of farting?

1:14:07 Guest No, they have to put up with his.

1:14:09 Adam Yeah. Has he got some bad gans?

1:14:13 I sent him to work with gas sex.

1:14:15 Adam Oh, really? Wow.

1:14:18 Caller It doesn't work.

1:14:19 Adam Where I work at the man show, guys will actually walk down the hall, come into your office and fart and then go back. I mean, they will make the pilgrimage to fart in your office. That's funny. I got to tell you the greatest fart I ever did, and then we'll go back to these phones. I know I've talked about it before, but it never gets old. I love this story. I had a little poker party at my house a year and a half ago. Jimmy was there and a few other guys, and we were cleaning up, and Jimmy was standing in front of my sink, and he was bussing some dishes.

1:14:57 Drew Oh, yeah. We've talked about this a long time.

1:14:58 Adam I made a nice pot of coffee. I had a little pie for dessert. I think I was stoned or drunk or something. I had to be something. Well, the streetlights were on. Come on.

1:15:12 Drew He was Daniel J. Oh, he's talking.

1:15:14 Adam And I buy the Trader Joe's whole bean coffee and I grind it up myself because I'm a little bit of a coffee snob. I love good coffee. And these things come in these canisters. They're about four inches around and they're about nine inches tall. And they hold, I don't know how much, about a quart's worth of whole coffee bean. And they have a snap lid on them. And this canister was just about spent. There was probably an inch worth of beans at the very bottom of it. I had some good gas that night and had been trading jabs with Jimmy all night. But I realized it was time to go for the knockout punch, time to bring the widow maker out. So while his back was turning me and he was busing dishes with his hands in the sink, I took this can. I felt a good one coming up. I took this can. I pressed it snugly onto the ass. And I was wearing just a pair of like pajama bottoms. And I just pushed it right up against the ass. And so my ass, you know, the hair on my ass forms a natural seal. And I just, I filled that can. It just sounded like I was at the gas station. It was like shhhhhh right up against the ass. And I held up my ass for a beat. And I said, Jimmy, there's nothing better than whole roasted coffee beans. And I whipped the can around and I put it right up against his face. And he was like, he was like when a dog tries to lick a Zamba bar through a chain link fence, you know, like, you know, like it really stuff that, you know, he stuff, you know, when people sniff coffee, by the way, they don't do it tentatively. Like they don't go like, what do you mean? They will bury their face into that coffee can to get a shot. And he just buried his face in. And the beauty, the real diabolical beauty of this maneuver was is you can fart all you want on someone, but you can't make them suck it in. But he just sucked the whole thing in. He was just like, and then there was like a beat, and then he looked at me, and he immediately knew what went on, but there was nothing he could do. He had already inhaled it. As a matter of fact, the next fart he let smelled like that one. He'd sucked up so much of it. Oh, it was awesome. And I went, it was like I'd scored the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl in the fourth quarter. I mean, that was it. You've never seen that kind of gratification, that kind of look. I mean, I haven't had any kids, but when people ask me, you know, what's the greatest day of your life? It'll be Jimmy sucking up the fart, then the kids, then the wife, then the Pulitzer Prize or whatever it is. Brian?

1:17:47 Caller Yes, sir.

1:17:47 Adam You're 26?

1:17:49 Caller Yes.

1:17:50 Adam Yes, what's up?

1:17:51 Caller All right, well, here's the deal. First of all, I love you guys. I listen to the show all the time, driving home from work. I watch The Man Show Rocks. I see you guys on MTV.

1:17:59 Adam Thank you.

1:18:00 Caller Learn a lot of great stuff from you guys. But I got a little pissed off to say about the whole adoption thing.

1:18:05 Adam All right.

1:18:06 Caller Okay. I realize you guys do a great job on the show and you help a lot of people out.

1:18:11 Adam That's all right. Just tell us where you know about adoption comments.

1:18:14 Caller Well, here's the deal. My girlfriend and I, going back about six, eight years ago, she got pregnant very young. We were both really young and decided that the best thing to do was give a family something that they couldn't have and have the child adopted.

1:18:33 Drew And I'm sure you've heard us say over and again that we believe that couples or women who choose to do that should have like monuments erected in their honor. That is a noble and extremely positive way to deal with an unwanted pregnancy.

1:18:45 Caller Yeah, no, it definitely is, but just, you know, certain things, you know, that just, I don't know, you're kind of like...

1:18:52 Adam Well, you heard my comments about, listen...

1:18:54 Drew He was talking about adoptive parents, not parents that give the kid up for adoption.

1:18:58 Adam No, no, I was talking about the parents, the biological parents of that adoptive child, about the crack whore and the pimp and all that stuff.

1:19:09 Drew That's right.

1:19:10 Adam Which Brian doesn't like, but listen, I was using that to try to illustrate a point, which was, do not tell your 7-year-old that you're adopted, it will freak them out.

1:19:19 Drew Yes.

1:19:20 Adam And I was going to extremes to explain to them, you know, like, what are you going to tell them? Every single thing you know? Yeah. No, not every couple or every woman that gives their child up for adoption is a crack whore, but I can tell you, but usually there's some issues, and that's why they gave them up for adoption.

1:19:40 Caller Oh, definitely, but, you know, when you got off the tangent, that chick sounded a little upset, you know?

1:19:46 Adam We got back with her. She said her adoptive mom wasn't really a crack whore.

1:19:51 Caller She was a joke.

1:19:52 Adam But listen, all right, I understand your point. I'm here to make a point myself, and basically that point was do not tell your seven-year-old they were adopted.

1:20:03 Drew Right. I agree with you.

1:20:04 Adam I don't know when you tell them. I don't know if you tell them. Well, I really don't.

1:20:09 Drew There's different schools of thought about it.

1:20:11 Adam I don't see what it gets them.

1:20:14 Drew What?

1:20:14 Adam I mean, okay, if there's medical reasons, I understand that.

1:20:18 Drew There's debate. You and I say ourselves that the closer to reality are, the healthier you are, right? So this allows kids an opportunity to be in their reality, right?

1:20:28 Adam Well, here's what I'm saying. I wouldn't want some ex-girlfriend coming up to me that I went out with five years ago if I ran into her somewhere and say, you know, the truth is, and I didn't tell you the time, I cheated on you a couple of times with a few of your friends and that your breath smells. It's the truth, but I don't want to hear it. And it doesn't help me and it doesn't make me feel any better. And there's really nothing I can do about it, except for worry about how my breath smells the next time I go on a date.

1:20:57 Drew Yeah.

1:20:58 Adam I may brush and floss more. You're right, Anderson. You may have a point there. But you know what I'm saying?

1:21:03 Drew Yeah.

1:21:04 Adam That kind of stuff, there's just certain truths that I don't believe help anybody.

1:21:08 Drew That's the point. It's the more history, more mystery, less history stuff.

1:21:12 Caller Right.

1:21:15 Drew Yeah.

1:21:16 Adam Wait a minute. I think I'm going to try to light a fart here.

1:21:18 Drew Oh, God.

1:21:18 Adam Well, we really got a theme going. And I should get that light there. Let's see what I can get going here. Oh, a little flame. Good job. Not much. Yeah, it didn't sound like much. It was a decent little ball flame there, right, Drew?

1:21:33 Drew It's decent.

1:21:34 Adam Thank you. Greg, I know you're impressed by what I can do, but my anus is potential, so you judge it based on that. I've raised the bar too high for myself. All right, Greg, what's up? I'm still belching up that dinner tonight.

1:21:48 All right.

1:21:50 My whole question is, it's more like an individual problem, like with beliefs and stuff, because personally, like myself, I'm like a punk rocker. I'm like a political anarchist. I mean, usually I don't listen to this radio station or anything because it's not like me, but it seriously came down to either call Dr. Laura or I called you guys. My decision was not like that hard to make.

1:22:17 Adam All right. So what's the question?

1:22:19 My question is, my parents are Republicans. They totally took everything away from me, and I was wondering if it's wrong for me to have these beliefs that are totally like the opposite of what theirs are.

1:22:36 Adam So you're a bit of a, you're an anarchist.

1:22:38 Yeah.

1:22:39 Adam Is that what you call yourself?

1:22:40 Yeah.

1:22:40 Adam OK. Let me explain a couple of things here, Greg. You're 14, so I won't make too much fun of you. But part of the reason you're an anarchist and your parents are Republicans is not a coincidence. You are as far away and you are doing exactly what you know off the most. Because you're angry at them. You don't like them. If you like them and you weren't angry at them and you respected them and you loved them, you wouldn't be an anarchist. Or even if you were, you wouldn't parade it around in front of them. So you may not be an anarchist as much as you just hate your parents. Interesting concept, isn't it? Now, so here's the concept, not about what's up with anarchy or what's up with whatever branch of the political process you're into. The real question is why do you hate your parents so much?

1:23:32 Drew What can you do about that?

1:23:34 Adam Why do you hate your parents?

1:23:35 I don't hate my parents at all.

1:23:38 Adam Well, how did you become an anarchist at 14?

1:23:41 Okay, at 14, it started, it all started like a long time ago. And I guess in the very beginning, I was really, I just thought-

1:23:50 Adam A long time ago when you were 11?

1:23:51 Drew Yeah, when you were four?

1:23:52 No, no, no, no, when I was like-

1:23:53 Adam Nine?

1:23:54 Caller Four.

1:23:55 Adam Four, so when you became-

1:23:56 Caller Five years old. You became an anarchist. Like, we have recordings of me on a video and stuff and it was like the image that I was attracted to way like in the early days. And it was that I always walk around saying like, oh, I want a mohawk.

1:24:07 Adam All right, so you're rebellious, but you can be rebellious young.

1:24:11 Caller Yeah.

1:24:11 Adam Why are you- Why did you take your parents off? You love them so much then.

1:24:14 Caller I didn't- They never told me that it pissed them off.

1:24:18 Adam Well, but you have to know that if they're staunch right wing Republicans and you're an anarchist with a mohawk, you're freaking them out.

1:24:25 Caller Yeah.

1:24:26 Drew And also, by the way, if you're that far into it, then it means they were physically inappropriate with you. They were too physically- I mean, they were tough physically.

1:24:35 Adam Did they do too much disciplining on you?

1:24:38 Caller Um, yeah.

1:24:40 Drew Of course. That's where this comes from.

1:24:41 Adam What a magical, magical surprise.

1:24:44 Caller But it was- I wasn't angry at them for a long time.

1:24:46 Drew You may not know it, but you were-

1:24:47 Adam Of course you were angry at them.

1:24:49 Drew Really. You were destroyed by it, in fact. In fact, one way to get kids to act out- this is what Ben Stein's kid is going to do.

1:24:55 Adam I'm going to do?

1:24:57 Drew Yeah, he's already doing it.

1:24:57 Adam It started five years ago. Are you kidding me?

1:24:59 Drew The kids will do is if you physically abuse a kid, discipline is what the abuser would call it.

1:25:06 Adam Well, Ben doesn't beat on them. Well, wait a minute.

1:25:07 Drew No. Remember, you want to defend the fact that hitting a kid was okay.

1:25:10 Adam Hold on. I'm going to fart here.

1:25:12 Drew Hold on a second.

1:25:13 Adam Hold on a second. Fueler.

1:25:18 Drew Weak Adam.

1:25:19 Adam I don't know. I'm sorry.

1:25:21 Drew But if there's an overwhelming data that shows you discipline a kid physically and that means any sort of physical abuse, you will see a rapid increase in antisocial activity. The behavior you want them to stop will stop at that moment. For the next two weeks, you'll have all antisocial acting out.

1:25:36 Adam All right. Let's just do a quick recap here. His parents are right wing Republicans to the hilt. He's an anarchist with a mohawk, but he's not pissed at his parents. He loves them very much. He doesn't want to upset them except for, they were a little rough with him and maybe disciplined him a little too much.

1:26:00 Drew They didn't make me angry though.

1:26:02 Adam But he's not angry at them for that.

1:26:04 Drew Right.

1:26:05 Adam Okay. Listen to me all you screwballs. You're 14, you're an anarchist, your parents made you into one by being Democrats. All you other nut jobs out there with all this other nonsense you claim to believe, you don't even believe it. You just got molded into that, you idiots, you puppets, you slaves. Do you hear me? I feel sorry for you, but you dominatrix and you bikers and you freaks with all your tats and your piercings and all that other antisocial crap all you nutjobs are into. You think you're doing your own thing, you're just puppets. Your parents forced you into it. Not by being one themselves, but by being the opposite sometimes or beating on you or whatever the hell it was. So you think you're free? You think you're making a statement? Here's a statement I see when I see that. Oh, he's rebelling against his parents.

1:26:59 Drew Right.

1:26:59 Adam They don't even know what he is.

1:27:01 Drew Yeah.

1:27:01 Adam And listen, you nutjobs with the anarchy. You idiots. You go live in your own anarchy island where you don't get your garbage picked up. And if you want to get on a plane and go to Chicago, you can't. You idiots. Like that dumb idiots, that band Chumbawumba talking about anarchy and the man and all this other nonsense. Kiss my ass, you idiots. Go start your own society. See how good the police force works when you don't pay them. So see all the garbage that gets picked up. See what kind of air force you have, you retards. Have fun. See how the buses run on time. Police. Idiots. It's such delusional nonsense. I want to be an anarchist. On the other hand, I smoke, so it's important that the 7-Eleven be open 24 hours a day. And I got to get on a plane and fly to San Diego because I want to catch the X Games. Idiots. Come on. Really think out your position, you anarchy idiots.

1:28:08 Drew Hey, I found my way back.

1:28:08 Adam Take a little break.

1:28:09 Drew I'm back at the Dr. Drew app chat room. If people want to get in here, we'll put some up here, we'll bring it up on the air. All right.

1:28:50 Adam Well, I might go on here and I'll get one good one here. Oh, Drew, are you okay, buddy?

1:29:02 Caller I think you cinched the hairs on his hand.

1:29:06 Adam That was something wicked. Now, that one, you could hear the flame on that one, right?

1:29:13 Drew You could do like.

1:29:14 Caller We heard it and we saw the fireball.

1:29:16 Adam Thank you.

1:29:17 Drew Man, thank God there was some flame because God knows, there's quite the pungent aftermath.

1:29:25 Adam Lisa, I get hotter every night. Let me tell you, I got to just say one quick other quick farting story since it's the night. It's being a pungent aftermath. I haven't told this story in a while, but I'll make it real fast. Driving to Vegas, lighting farts all the way to Vegas in the back of a Honda for Christ's sake, right? Feet up on the headrest of the passenger and driver side, legs akimbo, sitting in the middle on the transmission and just torching them at night all the way to Vegas. Five people in the Honda, right? Everyone is laughing their ass off. This is ten years ago. Finally, one of the girls who is in the passenger seat has had about enough. And as I light the match, prop the legs up and start bringing the match down to her, the anus, she goes, Oh, please, Adam, not again. She opens the window just enough to blow the match out and I fill the Honda with gas. It swirls with the wind and everyone is screaming and they're all yelling at her, which is funny. Vanessa! Oh, man! As if Vanessa Fart is, she all she did was roll the window down. But I'll tell you, you don't ignite that stuff, Drew. It's got to go somewhere and it'll end up in your nose. All right, where the hell were we? Drew, would you start doing your job here, please? There we go. Please do your job. Thank you. Eugene? Yeah. You're 14.

1:30:48 Guest Sorry about the thing before.

1:30:51 Adam Drew, Eugene called in an hour and 45 minutes ago, wanted to heap praise on me, but we had to say hi to Gina first, and so I hung up on him.

1:31:03 Guest I know how much you hate them.

1:31:04 Adam All right. What's going on there, Eugene?

1:31:06 Guest Well, I was wondering since you're like a big star now.

1:31:08 Adam That's right.

1:31:09 Guest What are your plans with the music awards and everything?

1:31:13 Adam Yeah.

1:31:13 Guest You've reached a superstardom.

1:31:16 Adam I'm almost at my pinnacle. What I would like to do quite honestly is I got another episode, another 26 man shows going on, which means work until like July, and then maybe do a movie or something, and then OD on Coke.

1:31:33 Caller Can I request Tim the Russian Rapper?

1:31:36 Adam Tim the Russian Rapper?

1:31:37 Guest Yeah.

1:31:37 Drew Come to Santa Barbara.

1:31:38 Adam Oh, boy.

1:31:39 Drew Come to Santa Barbara next weekend.

1:31:40 Adam Yeah. I'll do it. Okay. Eugene, I'll do it real fast.

1:31:46 Guest All right. Thanks.

1:31:47 Adam I'm not going to tell a story. Yes. Okay. I'll try not to cuss. All right?

1:31:50 Drew Oh, boy.

1:31:53 Adam Beach is ain't but holes and tricks. Suck on these balls and leak on these. All right. I didn't cuss, right? All right. Here's one more. I got to back on like John Mockenroe. That Beach steps up, I'm smocking the hole. There you go. Little team, the Russian rapper. Eric.

1:32:20 Guest Yes.

1:32:21 Adam You're 15. Uh-huh. Your girlfriend fantasizes about being hit and raped?

1:32:25 Guest Yeah.

1:32:26 Adam Yeah. That's not a good sign.

1:32:28 Caller No, I don't think so either.

1:32:29 Adam You think something happened to her in the past? I don't know.

1:32:32 Caller She told me she was like, you know, touched wrong by her cousin once.

1:32:35 Caller But I was only with her like a five-second period.

1:32:38 Caller Yeah.

1:32:38 Adam But you figure whatever she told you was probably the tip of the iceberg.

1:32:43 Caller Yeah.

1:32:44 Adam Yeah.

1:32:45 Caller I just don't know what to do.

1:32:46 Caller I mean, she wants me to like get like really pissed off at her.

1:32:50 Drew Don't do it.

1:32:51 Adam How old is she?

1:32:52 Caller She's 14.

1:32:53 Drew Oh, God.

1:32:54 Adam You're having sex with her? No.

1:32:56 Drew All right. Good. Well, don't hit her. Don't hit her. Don't gratify her.

1:32:59 Adam Yeah. Eric, don't play along with her.

1:33:01 Caller No, I haven't even touched her yet, you know?

1:33:04 Adam I understand. Eric, you may be a little over your head and she may prove to be too nutty for you. I mean, I'm just telling it like it is. Try to be a good guy, try to set limits, and listen, everybody, it's all right just to set limits with people.

1:33:21 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:33:21 Adam They want to do stuff that's acting out and don't play along with them. All right. It's kind of a bitch for a 15-year-old though. Yeah.

1:33:30 Drew Well, at least he knew enough to call and ask and not do it.

1:33:32 Adam Well, he's getting a weird vibe off of her. Yeah.

1:33:34 Drew Well, he listens to the show.

1:33:36 Adam Maddie?

1:33:38 Caller Hi.

1:33:38 Adam Hey, you're 14.

1:33:40 Caller Yeah. What's up? Yeah. I've been, like, craving sex since I was, like, 10.

1:33:44 Adam Yeah, me too.

1:33:45 Drew What does that mean, craving sex?

1:33:46 Caller Like, I've been, like, really horny since I was, like, 10.

1:33:49 Drew How did you know what sex was at 10?

1:33:50 Adam Oh, you can be horny at 10. I'll quiet down. So what's your question?

1:33:54 Caller Yeah. I was, like, I almost came, like, really close, like, to having sex today. And I was, like, I felt like you bleed and stuff, and it hurts really bad. Is that true?

1:34:04 Drew Can, yes, it's true.

1:34:05 Adam Your head falls off.

1:34:06 Drew Yes, it's a devastating experience.

1:34:08 Adam And in the place of the head, you...

1:34:11 Drew Teeth grow.

1:34:12 Adam No, cabbage.

1:34:15 Caller Huh?

1:34:15 Adam Your head falls off, and an artichoke grows back where it was. You understand?

1:34:22 Caller No.

1:34:22 Adam And then bats eat it. That's what happens. Listen, Maddie, you're 14.

1:34:28 Drew Slow down.

1:34:28 Adam Slow down with this X.

1:34:30 Caller Yeah.

1:34:30 Adam All right.

1:34:31 Drew There's some reason why you're so complicit.

1:34:32 Adam Are you okay?

1:34:33 Caller Yeah.

1:34:34 Adam Anyone do anything weird to you?

1:34:35 Caller No.

1:34:36 Adam No? You like your dad?

1:34:38 Caller Yeah.

1:34:38 Adam Good. And don't humiliate him. Okay?

1:34:41 Caller Okay.

1:34:42 Adam Okay. Nothing that dad hates more. All right?

1:34:45 Drew Then be humiliated.

1:34:48 Adam All right. We'll take a break. We'll be back.

1:34:54 Caller We'll be right back with more Loveline.

1:35:27 Adam Yeah, yeah. All right. There you go. Another fantabulous show in the can. I want to thank Engineer Anderson for doing a wonderful job, putting up with my crap all week.

1:35:39 Drew Especially tonight.

1:35:41 Adam Oh, yeah. I want to thank Lisa for having the dignity and the courage to laugh at my anus, especially when the fire was put forth from it.

1:35:53 Drew I might add she wasn't just laughing.

1:35:55 Adam She exploded. She was in here. Well, how long? Just to show it's not all schtick, I let a good one go during the commercial that I torched up. Lisa, when she saw the match go into my ass during the commercial break, two minutes ago, looked a little disgusted and said, oh, not another one. She took two steps toward the door, but their curiosity got the best of her. She turned around and looked. She saw a big harashima-type flame come out of my ass, and then she just collapsed in just a heap. And wait a minute, Drew, where's my matches? Oh, we may go out big tonight. There's a window, and that window's closing. Get the lights. All right, let's see here.

1:36:41 Caller Oh!

1:36:45 Adam Maybe it's greatest one of the evening. And what a fitting way to go out. So, uh, again, until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. I got the bakhan like John Mockenro. That beach steps up, I'm smocking the hole. Well, now.

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Thursday, January 6, 2000