Episode 1000754887246

0:54 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:03 Voiceover Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

1:05 Voiceover I'm not modeling anymore for the two of you.

1:07 Voiceover Loveline.

1:09 Adam Hey, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-854-4455. Dr. Drew, knock it off. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist.

1:25 Drew You seem particularly irritable tonight.

1:28 Adam Yeah, I guess I am.

1:29 Drew What's going on?

1:30 Adam I had to take a cramp in the yard last night, about 1 a.m. That's some still reeling from that.

1:36 Drew Oh my God. Isn't that something you and your friends sort of practiced? I mean, you got pretty good at it over the years, didn't you?

1:41 Adam My anus is out of shape for the yard work.

1:44 Drew I see.

1:46 Adam I'm a toilet seat man now.

1:47 Drew The yard work is in fact special kind. You got a special seat, did you?

1:51 Adam Okay. Listen, we have many things to cover tonight. Let's not leave our guests flapping out in the wind here. Bryce Johnson has passed tonight from popular, the very popular new WB show, Wednesday Nights. Sorry, Thursday Nights, 8 o'clock.

2:07 Drew It's all the same.

2:08 Adam On the WWWB and you weren't at the Supercross last night, were you?

2:14 No, good God, no. I was, who knows? I don't remember. You guys are in my apartment.

2:20 Adam I had a good time last night. I went to that Supercross and I think Jeremy should be coming on here.

2:25 Drew Did you see him?

2:26 Adam Yeah, I talked to him. He won. Everything was good. I talked to him for a few minutes. He didn't know when he was coming on and I didn't know when he was coming on. And then I went home and crapped in the yard. I hear it's Tuesday. We'll get to popular in just one second.

2:41 Drew He's coming in Tuesday, yeah.

2:43 Adam Well, theoretically.

2:44 Drew Tuesday in the Pacific, west of the Mississippi, Tuesday.

2:47 Adam Yeah, he'll be in here. Don't worry about that. And so will everyone else. But again, Bryce Johnson, our guest tonight. And good sports name that Bryce Johnson.

2:57 Well, you know.

2:58 Adam Yeah, I was reading here that you're a junk and then I read it was soccer and golf and I went pfft.

3:04 I love all sports, man. I don't particular self to my one. I just like, I focus on a sport. I'll play it for a month and I'll drop it.

3:11 Adam You know what I'm going to do with my kids when it comes to golf?

3:15 Not teach them.

3:16 Adam I got a lot of things I'm going to do to my kids and I know some of it, some of them are sort of contrary because how am I going to keep them chained to the radiator and locked in the basement until they're 24 and then teach them how to play golf? I'm going to work that out. Hopefully, there'll be some technology to allow me to do that in some virtual world by the time they get to that age. But there's tons of guys I know and they all want to be good at golf and they just can't. Because you either play golf before the age of 15 or you don't. Or maybe 18. But if you don't get in a few rounds before like your 18th birthday, you will then suck for the rest of your life. You can spend $7,000 worth of clubs, $20,000 worth of...

3:57 It's an expensive sport.

3:58 Adam Yes. I mean, you can... Arnold Palmer could come in and sodomize you while you were teeing off and it wouldn't do a lick of good after your 15th birthday.

4:09 Drew It's like music or skiing or other sorts of skills.

4:11 Adam Violin, whatever. You can sort of... Hey, you'll be better than a guy who's never done it, but you'll never be any good.

4:18 You know what got me into golf was watching Caddyshack.

4:20 Adam Really?

4:21 That's when I said... See, I was like, this sport is cool.

4:24 Adam Now, when did you get started?

4:25 In what? Golf?

4:26 Adam Yeah.

4:26 Caddyshack. Because that's a whole other story.

4:28 Adam Well, golf.

4:29 Golf. I just started playing when I was like, I think about 11. I just did in the service and then I started working at golf jobs, which is where I became good.

4:37 Adam Listen, I tell you, you could play for six months from 11 to 12. Six months. Then you could do heroin and smoke crack and drink Everclear for 30 years and you would still be the guy who started after he was 18 and had professional instruction.

4:54 Yeah.

4:55 Adam That's the beauty of it. So, Drew, what are we going to do?

4:58 Drew We're not going to play golf.

4:59 Adam We're going to kill ourselves. That is right.

5:01 Drew I will fall over dead before my kids will actually play that sport.

5:04 When would you have time to play golf?

5:05 Drew Yeah. I don't understand that. I don't understand the thing of having four hours and not wanting to spend it with your family.

5:11 Leisure time.

5:12 Drew That's bizarre to me.

5:15 Adam That's the reason you do it.

5:17 Drew Because you have too much leisure time?

5:19 Adam No, because people talk about playing golf, but it's really an excuse to get out of the house, get away from your wife, away from your kids, away from your boss and walk around somewhere in some grass with a whole bunch of other guys who are there for the exact same reason.

5:32 Drew Wouldn't you rather exercise or play like an active sport?

5:35 Adam You chase your ball into the rough enough, you get a good energy.

5:39 Drew I think you're running around a golf course.

5:40 I think all the cussing doing in golf gets your energy up.

5:43 Adam Plus, there's a lot of superfluous swinging of the clubs, you know, banging it, you know, beating the cramp out of your golf bag with your club, swinging it at other players, that kind of stuff. Good upper body.

5:54 I have a frustration, quick golf story there. I was golfing, working at the golf course, caddying for the guy. I saw him. It was, he was so close to being done. 16th hole, throws his entire bag into the lake. All his golf buddies are laughing. He's cussing, walks away. So now, and now he comes back. This is like five minutes later, just walked to the garage, comes back. Now he's pissed. Now he's rolling up his pants. He's rolling up his shirt. He's going in.

6:18 Drew He's not drinking either, is he?

6:20 Who knows by this time?

6:21 Adam Who knows? He's drinking going on out there.

6:22 This guy goes back in, into the lake, gets, I mean, is covered chest high into the monkey water lake, ruins his entire outfit, gets his golf bag, and from the front pocket takes out his car keys, lifts the golf bag and throws it back into the lake, walks out and drives away.

6:38 Adam So his mistake wasn't heaving the bag, it was leaving his car keys in the bag. Speaking of leaving the car keys, that's where my keys were. Not in my golf bag, but in my house last night when I returned. Nice. Luckily, I had the hide a key which I promptly snapped off in the lock in the deadbolt. Then I realized and I'd started to ticker on the crap bomb, you know, about 10 minutes earlier driving up the hill. Like an animal, like a bear, I was out in that yard. It's funny when you survey your yard and you go, where's a decent place to crap? Like you go, should I crap on the lawn? Or should I crap over here by the vegetables? I got some open dirt here, but it's also food.

7:22 Drew Where should I crap? I know your lawn.

7:25 Adam I'm going to leave a bucket out there.

7:26 Drew Don't crap where you eat. No, I know your lab pretty well. Who's there? Is that where you went?

7:30 Adam No, I crapped over by the dirt there where the garden is. Yeah, it's nice. Then I got up this morning and I thought, I better take care of it because someone's going to stumble on to this.

7:41 Drew So to speak.

7:42 Adam Yes. All right. So maybe the rest of the break.

7:45 Say you have a big dog.

7:46 Adam Oh, did I have to break? Yeah, but that dog doesn't leave a paper towel next to the duke. That's what I was thinking of.

7:53 Drew Listen, I remember hearing a morning show, they go unnamed in one of the local stations here in Los Angeles. A guy got lost and he went over to the cat box and his girlfriend came in right after that and went, Oh my God, someone went to the cat. Took him to the vet, went through a whole deal. He couldn't say anything.

8:11 Adam That's good.

8:12 That's like a Doberman.

8:14 Adam Mark?

8:15 Yeah.

8:15 Adam You're 19 years old.

8:17 Caller Yeah.

8:17 Adam What's up?

8:18 Caller All right. Main question, I guess, is just trying to convince the girlfriend about the morning after pillow cases completely against abortion and we've already had a child and obviously we don't want to have another one anytime soon.

8:34 Drew What about just plain old contraception the way it was designed to be used?

8:40 Caller I don't know. That's not nothing we've ever used. I don't like it. It takes everything away from it.

8:48 Drew What are you talking about, Mark? Listen, let me be very clear about something. Emergency contraception is never supposed to replace contraception.

8:58 Adam I don't know if that's what he's asking or did you already have sex and think she might be pregnant?

9:04 Caller Well, no, like there's been an issue because usually I'll just pull out in time. But there's been an issue where maybe like my child wouldn't have been obviously born if she would have done this to begin with because there was a moment where we were pretty sure something happened and went through all the procedures and finding out where I could even find this thing after talking to many places and getting rejected by Planned Parenthood and places like that.

9:31 Adam And hold on a second, Egotard, that's my new word. It's Egotist meets Retard. That's all we have calling the show. First off, this guy has a kid and he's still just pulling out. And he doesn't, he can sit, the only form of birth control he's aware of is the condom. He's not yet heard of this revolutionary thing called the pill, which came around 33 years ago. Let's get back with Mark. Hey, Mark?

9:59 Caller He didn't even let me finish my story.

10:02 Adam Listen, I don't want to hear the end of it. You need to use birth control. She needs to get on the pill. Do you understand the pill?

10:09 Caller Totally understand. She's been on it. Not an issue. All right. He would have let me finish. I could have got there.

10:16 Adam Is she on it now? Well, it's too late for that. Is she on it now?

10:20 Caller She's not on it now, but we're not even having sex right now.

10:22 Adam All right.

10:23 Caller Not even an issue.

10:24 Adam Why aren't you having sex?

10:26 Caller A number of reasons. One, no time. We're both working, not working with our daughters, doing life, whatever you want to say about it.

10:35 Adam Well, wait a minute. You're 19. You're not having sex with your girlfriend, you know, once a month.

10:41 Caller I forgot he was 19 talking like that.

10:43 Caller Wow.

10:45 Adam Hey, once a month.

10:46 Caller That could bring us into a totally different question.

10:48 Adam Okay. You guys aren't getting along too well?

10:51 Caller That part is okay. You know, obviously, we have our bumps, but it's the whole who's getting what out of it.

11:00 Adam Okay. But listen, Mark, number one, you don't want to have another kid, right?

11:04 Caller No, obviously not.

11:05 Adam And you probably are going to have sex with her again. So when you do have sex with her again, She's on the pill. She's going to have to be on the pill because you don't like condoms.

11:17 Caller Okay.

11:17 Caller That's it.

11:18 Adam So get her on the pill and the morning after pill is not an option because she'll be on the pill and it's not supposed to be used as birth control anyway.

11:27 Caller Okay.

11:27 Do you understand that?

11:28 All right, Mark.

11:29 Caller Mark.

11:29 Caller Are you ready for a little bit more interesting questions?

11:31 Drew All right, go.

11:33 Go.

11:34 Caller She supposedly has never had an orgasm. All right.

11:38 Drew Fascinating. I can't believe it.

11:41 Adam I had three in the first 50 seconds I was talking to you, Mark. Mark, listen, more oral sex. And by the way, how's she going to have an orgasm? Because you guys never have sex.

11:52 Drew And there's more.

11:54 Caller I've never had, I mean, I'm not, I don't sleep around a lot.

11:58 Drew A lot. Oh my God. Poor girl. No, no, no.

12:01 Adam Maybe not on her. This listen, Mark, number one priority, don't have any more kids. Can you imagine this guy's dad?

12:07 Drew Getting married. Listen, I was reading some data tonight. One in three women, one in three births are this day and age, this year, to unmarried women.

12:16 Adam Yeah.

12:17 Drew One in three.

12:18 Caller I believe that.

12:19 Adam Sounds pretty good from doing this show.

12:21 Drew Fifty percent of women have an experience of some time in their life, an unintended pregnancy.

12:25 Adam Yeah.

12:26 Drew One in two.

12:27 Caller That's wow.

12:28 Adam You're saying that fifty percent is one in two?

12:30 Caller That means half the women I meet have had a pregnancy.

12:34 Drew Most of them had an abortion.

12:34 Word.

12:35 Adam Good word. That's why we need that morning after. John?

12:40 Yeah.

12:41 Adam You're twenty-nine?

12:42 Yeah.

12:42 Adam What's up? John did I hate that mark. What a pain in the ass. I used to work with guys like that all day long.

12:51 I know.

12:51 Adam Well, that's what happens.

12:53 Caller I don't have time for my wife.

12:54 Adam Well, that's what happens.

12:55 Jackie Gleason.

12:57 Caller Right?

12:58 Adam Alice, we've been driving a bus all day.

13:00 Caller I come home.

13:02 Wow.

13:03 Adam All right, John, go ahead.

13:04 Not trying to get back on the anal thing that you've discussed earlier.

13:07 Drew But that wasn't tonight, was it?

13:10 Adam I was talking about crap in my yard. I don't know where you think that crap comes from, but it's not the crap.

13:16 Very night before in the fart humor.

13:17 I'm sorry, but farts are funny.

13:19 Adam Thank you. I'm wearing sweatpants tonight, so that won't be an option.

13:23 Danger.

13:24 Warning.

13:26 My question is for like the past eight years, I've never considered a problem because I never had any effects from it. Sometimes when I'm on the stool taking a dump or whatever term you want to use, bowel movement, sometimes I will find semen in the toilet.

13:42 Adam Yeah. You got to tell Roberto to pull out. I'm not gay.

13:47 Not gay.

13:50 Adam Listen, just because you take it in the ass every once in a while doesn't make you gay.

13:53 Caller Doesn't make you a bad guy.

13:54 Caller No.

13:57 Caller I'm sure this is more of a question for Dr. Drew.

13:59 Adam Drew, why did that get in there?

14:01 Drew Shut up. Wasn't that the message from you?

14:02 Adam Yeah. Why did that get in there?

14:04 Drew Are you certain that it's semen and not just mucus? How the hell can you tell the difference?

14:08 Well, it's very white in viscous.

14:11 Drew I think it's just mucus.

14:13 Is that normal?

14:14 Drew Well, some people have mucus normally and some people have it as part of an inflammatory process.

14:18 Adam You know what mucus in your bowel is called? No. Dukes.

14:25 Drew It's mucus dukes.

14:26 Nothing has to be concerned.

14:28 Adam Don't regurgitate my fine comedy. It was fine how it was. So you'd say it's mucus, right, Drew?

14:35 Drew Yeah.

14:35 Adam And what would you do about that?

14:37 Drew Nothing. It can be normal. If he's having diarrhea, if he's having abdominal pain, if it's any other symptom, then he needs to have some kind of endoscopy.

14:42 Adam Where can he get the mucus going? Anywhere?

14:44 Drew Hang on a second. Any opening to the outside world. Yeah. Nose, eyes, ears probably. Ears?

14:52 Adam You don't hear about ears, but that's why you get that. You get some crass in there.

14:55 Drew It's not really mucus then, so ears don't really produce it.

14:57 Adam Mouth, nose, eyes.

14:59 Drew You need a glandular tissue.

15:00 Adam Anus.

15:01 Drew Yeah, they can produce it.

15:03 Adam Anus.

15:03 Drew Yeah. Lungs.

15:05 Caller Is it good to cone your ears?

15:07 Drew To what your ears?

15:08 Caller Cone them. Get the wax. Cone his ears.

15:11 Adam The candle.

15:12 Caller I saw like a half a pound of crap come out of his head. And he had a headache for three weeks.

15:17 Adam I can't tell. I tried that myself, so let my head and the sofa on fire. You lay on your... Have you seen this, Drew?

15:25 Drew I know. Here's what you do. You take a little squirt of water, squirt it in, the same crap comes out, except it actually cleans the canal.

15:30 Adam Okay.

15:31 Drew And we're just talking about... All that is just the canal. When you put your finger in there, it's loaded up with wax, and that's what comes out.

15:36 Caller But that's a lot of wax in somebody's head.

15:38 Drew Oh, I pulled out. You wouldn't believe what I pulled out of people's heads.

15:40 Adam But you don't know what that coning... And let me explain coning. Coning is...

15:46 Drew It's only done in Los Angeles, by the way.

15:47 Caller It's holistic. It's LA thing. It's definitely.

15:50 Adam All right. Well, that's why I'm explaining it, boys, because we have other listeners. This is a thing that looks like it's a wax cone. It's about... It's as if you took a sheet of notebook paper and sort of curled it up to make a cone so that the big end was maybe three quarters of an inch or an inch wide, and it went down to about a quarter inch. It was the length of like a sheet of notebook paper. These wax. You put it in your ear. You put it like you punch a hole in the paper plate and put some like tin foil on it or something. So it doesn't... Then you lay on your side. Then you punch this thing in your ear. Then you light it on fire and it burns pretty good. Big flame. I mean, it's not like the menorah candle. It burns. And as it burns, the theory is that it creates some sort of hot air that goes down the cone, breaks up whatever wax is in your ear, and then the vacuum created by the hot air rising sucks it out. And there's all sorts of like crackling and whatnot. But I thought it was the wax of the cone basically that was burning and crackling. I didn't know if it was the wax that was in my head or not.

16:53 Drew But you had it done?

16:54 Adam Yeah, I tried it.

16:56 Drew Did you have wax come out?

16:57 Adam I don't know. I lit the dead on fire.

17:00 Caller I didn't know what was going on.

17:01 Drew With like normal production.

17:03 Adam How cool does that sound though? You know, the idea that you can melt what's in your head. That's pretty cool.

17:09 Drew It's outside your body entirely.

17:12 Adam Right.

17:12 Caller It was cool how much I saw because there was a lot of it. Well, I couldn't believe that was in his head. I thought maybe he'll be better for it.

17:17 Adam Really? Did it come out of there?

17:18 Caller I'm telling you, take a handful of like, maybe like wax claydough of like, maybe like that big, like a couple of balls.

17:24 Adam But how do you know that wasn't the candle? Do you know what I'm saying?

17:27 Caller It's a different color.

17:27 Adam Really?

17:28 Caller Yeah, definitely. And the guy had a headache for two weeks. I'm sure he cleared out his head.

17:31 Drew Well, it probably also popped his eardrum.

17:34 Caller Could have happened.

17:34 Adam All right, so don't bother with the cloning. And they're not cheap either. All that holistic crap is expensive.

17:40 Drew Well, there's actually more money spent on that as much as on traditional healthcare.

17:43 Caller Yeah, I believe that.

17:44 Drew Bizarre.

17:45 Adam Kim?

17:45 Drew It's all out of your pocket.

17:46 Adam Kim?

17:47 Yeah?

17:48 Adam You're 24.

17:49 Caller Yeah.

17:50 Adam Yeah.

17:50 Caller First of all, I love you guys.

17:52 Adam Thank you.

17:53 Caller I watch your show. I listen to your show every night.

17:55 Adam Thanks.

17:56 Caller I was wondering, I have a paper route at night. I see this guy that's always up, working on his computer. And I was wondering how I could meet him.

18:07 Adam When you say paper route.

18:09 Caller Yeah, I deliver the paper route at night.

18:11 Adam The local paper?

18:12 Caller Yeah.

18:13 Adam Which paper?

18:14 Caller Free press.

18:14 Adam Yeah, when I said local, I didn't mean, you know, I know it sounded stupid, because I know you didn't drive to Chicago, get to Tribune and then drive back to wherever you are and deliver it. But what I mean is sometimes there's flyers or whatever. You're delivering to people who subscribe to it or just you hit every house?

18:30 Caller I subscribe to it.

18:31 Adam OK, so this guy gets your paper and he subscribes to it.

18:37 Caller He only gets it on the weekend.

18:38 Adam But he's been on your route for how long?

18:41 Caller I've only had it for like two months.

18:43 Adam Two months. And you deliver on just on Sunday to his house?

18:48 Caller Saturday and Sunday.

18:49 Adam Saturday and Sunday.

18:50 Drew Early in the morning?

18:51 Caller Yeah.

18:52 Adam Four in the morning or?

18:53 From two to four.

18:54 Adam So he's up from the night before. And how do you see him? Through the window?

18:59 Yeah.

19:00 Drew What is it that intrigues you about him?

19:03 Adam He cramped in his lawn once. Yeah. Women dig that.

19:07 Caller That's awesome.

19:08 Adam Yeah. What's intriguing about him other than him being up?

19:11 I don't know. He just looks kind of cute and I saw him a couple days ago when I was going to get the papers.

19:18 Caller And he actually looked kind of cute.

19:19 I didn't really think twice about him before.

19:22 Adam How did you see him when he was going to get the paper?

19:24 He was driving.

19:26 Drew How old is he, you think?

19:27 He looks about my age. Uh-huh.

19:29 Drew Do you have his email address or anything?

19:31 Caller Good idea.

19:31 I don't know who he is.

19:32 Adam Oh, he's at the computer. Hey, you know, I got an idea, though. Couldn't she slip a little note into the paper?

19:38 Caller I was thinking that.

19:39 I thought about that, but I don't want to embarrass him.

19:41 Drew But you know, that, she could lose her job for that.

19:43 Caller Yeah.

19:44 Adam Who cares you lose your route? Yeah. I lost my route when I was 14. I didn't care then. Come on.

19:51 Caller It's good money.

19:52 Adam Oh, please. Listen, if you can't afford to lose your paper route, you got some serious trouble.

19:58 Drew No, look, that's a bad...

19:59 Adam Oh, hold on.

20:00 Drew Now, Drew?

20:00 Caller That's my second job anyway.

20:01 Adam Oh, there you go.

20:02 Drew But I mean, it's a hard-working woman, second job.

20:05 Adam No kidding.

20:06 Drew And it's just unethical to use the product that you love.

20:10 Adam Kim, do you ride a bike? Do you have your folks drive it?

20:14 I drive my truck.

20:15 Adam All right.

20:16 Caller How about honking the horn and smiling?

20:18 Adam Well, he's up. Yeah, I mean...

20:20 Caller It's like the second floor. You can't see my face.

20:22 Adam Okay, Kim, let me give you some pearls here. First off, people that are up all night love it when other people are up with him. There's nothing worse. I come home from this show at 1230 at night. Sometimes I can't sleep. It's 230 in the morning. I'm sitting around my underpants and I'm thinking, I know who can I call? Who wants to hang out? Who wants to watch TV? Who wants to do anything?

20:45 Drew Make a mental note. Don't ever call me. You got it?

20:49 Adam Drew. Drew only has to be up in four hours. I'll call him. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he'd probably hang out with you just because you were awake. I mean, he would. I swear to God, I think you ought to just... How do you look?

21:05 You look all right?

21:06 Adam Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, because here's the thing. Here's the problem. A paper person is not the sexiest job. You know, like when someone goes...

21:15 Caller I have a wedding photographer too.

21:16 Adam Okay. Well, I'd stick with that except for the part about you bringing him his paper. That's going to tip him off. I'd tell you, is he in his bathrobe or what's he wearing?

21:27 Caller I can't really tell. Regular clothes, I guess.

21:29 Adam All right. Do you guys think that knocking on the door... I mean, what about this? Yeah, why not? He doesn't have a woman there, does he?

21:38 Caller Well, it's a two-story house and I kind of think he lives with his parents because there's like five cars usually there.

21:45 Adam So you can't go bang on the door. I'll tell you what. Here's what I think you should do. How do you know it's his paper? Maybe his dad gets hold of it and opens it.

21:53 Caller That's why I didn't want to leave a note because his dad might see it or something.

21:57 Adam Now we're getting into it. Do you know which car is his?

22:00 Caller Yeah.

22:00 Adam You do.

22:01 Caller There you go.

22:02 Adam You do?

22:03 Caller They'll see me get out and put a note on there.

22:05 Adam They'll see you get out and put a note?

22:07 Caller Yeah, go ahead. Be sneaky.

22:09 Adam Just put a little note on there. Tell them you deliver the paper. You see that he's up.

22:14 Drew You put your email address on there.

22:16 Adam You're both night owls. Do you have an email address?

22:20 Caller Yeah.

22:20 Drew You do? If he's interested, he'll let you know.

22:23 Caller He's definitely going to be interested. I'll tell him right now, if that guy's on his computer every night at 4 in the morning and a girl leaves a note on his car, let's be honest. He's going to be interested.

22:32 Adam And tell him you know he masturbates excessively. Because after like 2.30, it's just all a wank time after that. That's all that is.

22:41 Caller That's all you can do at that early in the morning.

22:42 Adam Yeah. That's it. You have to. Nobody stays up that late and doesn't do that.

22:47 Alright.

22:48 Adam Sarah? We're about to break. You're 19, Sarah.

22:51 Caller Yeah.

22:51 Adam We'll be fast. You just got married? And you're a virgin?

22:58 Caller Yeah.

22:58 Caller And so is my husband.

22:59 Adam When you got married?

23:00 Caller Yeah.

23:01 Adam And you can't have an orgasm? And you had sex on your honeymoon, right?

23:05 Caller Yeah.

23:06 Drew How was his experience?

23:08 Caller What?

23:08 Adam Did it suck?

23:09 Caller No.

23:10 Drew Oh, come on.

23:11 Caller No.

23:12 Adam Is he listening?

23:13 Caller Yeah.

23:18 Adam All right, Sarah, if it sucked, just don't say anything, all right?

23:20 Caller Not twice if it was really, really bad. No.

23:22 Drew Oh, it had to have sucked.

23:24 Adam Yeah, it had to. It wasn't.

23:25 Caller It's the first time.

23:26 Adam It sucked because he was too big, right?

23:29 Caller Yeah, it kind of hurt.

23:30 Adam Yeah.

23:31 Caller Well, he was a virgin too, right?

23:33 Caller Yeah.

23:33 Caller So he didn't know what he was doing either.

23:34 Caller All right.

23:35 Adam All right, Sarah, hang on.

23:36 Caller OK.

23:37 Adam We're going to take a break. Are you guys religious?

23:39 Caller Yeah.

23:40 Adam OK. We'll explain what kind of sex God likes. All right? OK. All right. Hold on. After this.

23:47 Caller That's worth waiting for.

23:52 We'll be right back with more Love Line.

23:55 This is Love Line on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz. This is Love Line on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz.

24:28 Adam It is Loveline, Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew. Bryce Johnson is our guest tonight from Popular on WB Thursday Nights, 8 o'clock. And when we left off, we were talking to, yeah, Drew, start with this job. But your brother, Drew?

24:50 Yep.

24:51 Caller The hardest work of managing show business, ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Drew.

24:54 Adam He works very hard on everything except for this show.

24:56 Drew Do you know what I'm doing?

24:58 Adam No, not interested. Sarah?

25:00 Caller Yeah.

25:03 Drew Let me say what I'm doing.

25:03 Adam Okay, say what you're doing.

25:05 Drew Forget it.

25:06 Adam No, go ahead. No, now I feel bad. Go.

25:08 Drew Forget it.

25:09 Adam What are you doing?

25:10 Drew I'm posting something in the forum at drdrew.com. We're looking for some information that you guys could help us out with. It's Dr. DDP in the news section. So just log on to that and tell me what you think. Answer that.

25:23 Adam What is it? What's the question? Whatever.

25:25 Drew I did not enter a title. The title is, We Need Your Help.

25:30 Adam Okay. I'll tell you what I'm doing right now. I'm going to go out and get some dry cleaning and I'm going to pick up some fast food. Chinese?

25:38 Drew Yeah.

25:39 Adam You guys all right?

25:40 Drew Beef and broccoli, please.

25:41 Adam All right. Meanwhile, we'll still stay on the air so I can get paid, right, Drew?

25:45 Drew Yeah, sure.

25:45 Adam Is that how it works?

25:46 Drew No, I'll hold it for you. We will. We'll hold it for you.

25:49 Adam All right. Sarah?

25:51 Caller Yeah.

25:51 Adam You're 19? Okay, so you're a virgin. You were a virgin. And you just got married.

25:59 Caller Yeah.

25:59 Adam Your husband is a virgin as well.

26:02 Caller Yeah.

26:03 Adam And sex wasn't so great. It was okay.

26:07 Caller Yeah.

26:08 Adam Because he's listening. And you want to have sex again. You want to have an orgasm this time, right?

26:13 Caller Yeah.

26:14 Caller Practice.

26:15 Adam And what religion, what faith are you guys?

26:18 Caller Mormon.

26:20 Adam And was it uncomfortable having sex? Was your hymen still intact?

26:26 Caller I think so.

26:27 Adam All right. And how long did it last? Not too long?

26:33 Caller Not too long.

26:34 Adam Yeah. It's only supposed to last three to five minutes. Is that about average there?

26:38 Caller Yeah.

26:39 Adam Okay. A little on the short side, but yeah. And did your husband seem to enjoy himself?

26:44 Caller Yeah.

26:44 Adam Yeah. How about any oral sex?

26:48 Caller Not really.

26:49 Adam Okay. Let me... Did he come? Did he get off?

26:52 Caller Yeah.

26:53 Drew Oh, sure.

26:53 Adam Oh, he did.

26:53 Drew Well, guys, come on.

26:54 Adam Sure. And it was good, right?

26:58 Drew Yeah, for guys.

26:59 Adam It's a little biblical joke there. Okay. So here's the deal. We know he can have an orgasm. We got no problem with that. That plumbing works fine. It's going to take him three minutes. Especially since he's been waiting for 19 or 20 years. How old is he?

27:14 Caller He's 19.

27:15 Adam Okay. But where? Put him on the phone. Let me speak to him.

27:19 Caller Okay. I have to go get him.

27:20 Adam I'm going to. Where is he?

27:21 Caller He's in the other room.

27:22 Adam Is he riding his bike in a circle?

27:24 Caller No.

27:25 Drew Does he know you're calling?

27:26 Adam Don't Mormons always have to be on bicycles?

27:28 Drew Always. Yeah.

27:29 Adam Always?

27:29 Drew That's probably the problem. Well, maybe they'll delay his ejaculation a little bit.

27:32 Adam I see. Sarah?

27:34 Caller Yeah.

27:34 Adam Yeah. Go get him. I'm going to tell him how to satisfy you.

27:38 Caller All right.

27:38 Adam And if he doesn't, I'll come over there and do it myself or at least have one of my representatives swing by. Okay?

27:42 Caller Okay.

27:48 Adam Hello? Hezekiah? Hi. Hi. What's your name? Jeff. I believe you.

27:58 Caller I believe you, Jeff.

27:59 Adam Hi, Jeff. Listen, we're talking to your lovely new bride, Sarah. And by the way, you know, I sit here and I make fun of religion all the time. Yeah. But what I wouldn't give to you, I get myself a nice unsoiled woman like yourself. Way to go, man. That's cool. You know what I'm saying? You get that virgin. It's your wedding night is like it's combination honeymoon and Christmas. You know, you get to open that package that's never been open before. No kid has ever played with that toy. All right. So, but we'd like you to do a little better job with her, Jeff, and we know everything works well for you. I mean, the plumbing is there and everything, right?

28:40 Caller Yeah.

28:40 Adam So let me explain what women want. They want jewelry and oral sex.

28:46 Caller In that order.

28:47 Adam Now, can you do some oral sex?

28:49 Caller Sure.

28:50 Adam You can?

28:50 Caller Sure.

28:51 Drew Have you tried that before?

28:52 Uh, not, not really.

28:54 Drew No.

28:54 Adam There's no, why? No, why not?

28:57 Just...

28:59 Adam Okay.

28:59 Never, never really thought to do it a whole lot.

29:02 Adam Okay. Well, let me explain how oral sex goes because I've seen the most movies here. You got to, you got to put your thumb in her ass. No, no. You have to, here's the deal, Jeff. That's for you, Jimmy. Seriously. Here's the deal. Very slow, very methodical.

29:20 Drew Well, you know, we're just... You're like your way ahead here.

29:22 That's just oral sex. Yeah, it's fine.

29:23 Adam Just take it slow. Don't push.

29:25 Drew What's going on?

29:25 Adam That's good enough.

29:27 Drew But Jeff, what's going on in the relationship? Are you guys uncomfortable together?

29:30 They sound happy.

29:31 Drew It's not.

29:31 No, we're happy.

29:33 Drew Why did she call?

29:35 Because, you know, she can't have an orgasm.

29:37 Drew Yeah, but how long you guys been together?

29:39 A little over a month.

29:41 Drew Okay, and you've been working with this for a month. And she's 19. Many 19-year-old women don't orgasm. And most don't orgasm during intercourse.

29:48 Adam No, it's oral sex or nothing.

29:50 Drew Yeah, for the most part. And it takes a while for a couple to sort of get their, hone their skill.

29:55 Adam Yes.

29:55 Drew And you just got to be open to that. And she has to be willing to direct you also.

29:59 Adam Jeff, you don't have any problem with oral sex?

30:04 Drew No.

30:05 Adam No. Fundamentally, no problems there?

30:06 Drew No.

30:07 Adam All right. Get busy with the oral sex and ask her what she likes. Let her direct you. That's what I... I like that. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's like a good director. Like, okay, you're going down on me. You're putting your tongue on my vagina. There's no mystery here. But I want you to have fun with it. Right? That kind of direction. Now let's try it again.

30:29 Drew Just come from the grocery store and you're concerned about the football game.

30:32 You're tired.

30:33 Adam You're... Your boss is riding you. You've had a long day.

30:38 This is what you want.

30:39 Adam But you got to perform oral sex and I want you to have fun with it. So let's try it again.

30:43 Drew Okay, Stanislav.

30:44 Adam And this time, see if you can find your implicit cue inside my vagina.

30:47 Drew Your true line.

30:48 Adam Jason.

30:49 Hello.

30:50 Adam You're 17.

30:51 Caller Yeah. Hey, Adam, you're God.

30:54 Caller Drew, you're cool.

30:56 Caller First of all, before I get to my question, I was, can I tell you a little story real quick? Little. Okay. I'm from a very, very religious background. I hope my dad's a preacher. My, I've been listening to your show from for a long time now for, I don't know, three, four years. And I had like all the guys in our church. And when I say like very strict, it's a very conservative church. And I had all the guys in pretty much like the whole youth group, you know, listening to you guys. So somebody found out, I don't know, it was, I don't know, it was found out, you know, that we were listening to it. And it was, we all pretty much got in trouble. It was preached over the pulpit, not to, you know, that Loveline is from Satan or from hell or whatever.

31:45 Adam Well, actually, it was originally from Pasadena.

31:48 Drew Why didn't they, why didn't they listen to it to actually hear what we're saying?

31:51 Adam Who knows what you were saying?

31:53 Caller He said he'd listen to it and he said he had a big long talk with me and he said you guys are gay. He's like, oh, let's listen to the gay guys.

32:03 Adam Listen, Jason, you tell your dad, I already said it once at the beginning of the show, just cause you're taking the ass a little bit does not make you gay. Yeah, I blew this guy once and he nailed me in the ass.

32:13 Drew What part of the country are you from?

32:15 Adam Hold on a second, don't you ever run tape during the commercials?

32:18 Drew During commercials?

32:20 Adam I'm not thinking a joke, Dr. Drew. You idiot. Jesus, do you see what I'm dealing with here? All right, so Jason, hurry. Thank you and now hurry.

32:31 Caller All right, I had my 13 year old step cousin, I was over at my sister's house and we were all there watching movies and stuff and I had fell asleep and she just started like rubbing up all against me and just, she was, I don't know what she was trying to do. Well, I was like half asleep and I was just like, pushing her aside, whatever, pushing her away. Well, I wake up and we were watching some movies and stuff and she started just, I don't know, she was all over me and I was just like, no, that's not cool, whatever. She's a very, very good looking girl.

33:04 How old again was she? 13.

33:06 Caller Yeah, she's 13. And I was just, number one, she's related to me, even though it's step, but she's 13.

33:15 Adam Dr. Drew, I dropped his computer. So yeah.

33:17 Caller All right.

33:18 Adam So what'd you do?

33:19 Caller I was just like, you know, this isn't cool. So I talked to my brother, my brother's 14. And I guess she had like, you know, flashed my brother. And I just, I don't know what, how I should like say, I tell her parents.

33:33 Drew Yeah, you should, you should.

33:35 Adam Really? Yeah. Just, you don't have to get into explicit detail. Just say that she's acting out a little bit and you're wondering if her family is though. And listen, I'm going to one more reason to hate my parents. I come from atheist, which means I didn't get laid. You see what I'm saying?

33:50 Drew Yeah.

33:51 Adam All the weird religious families, there's always some kind of weird sexual, religious dynamic going on there where somebody snaps and starts like serial humping and there's flashing and there's molestation, all kinds of sex going on because it's like seething. You know, you, you try to force it down. You try to sweep it under the carpet, but it rears its ugly sexual head and there's all these great stories of 13-year-old girls, 17-year-old guys, all this, not my family, nothing. Just a bunch of devil worshippers sitting around eating granola and nobody getting laid.

34:25 Drew Well, where would Jeff call him from? Was that his name, Jeff? No, no.

34:28 Adam That was our last caller. All right, Drew, start focusing on the show.

34:32 Drew Yeah. That's what part of the country was calling from.

34:34 Adam Where are you calling from, Jason?

34:36 Caller Seattle.

34:37 Drew Seattle. Wow, it's interesting.

34:38 Caller As far as the religious thing, that's pretty much only our immediate family. His brothers and sisters aren't.

34:44 Adam Yeah, but it doesn't matter. When you're a religious guy and you're taught that sex is bad and everything, people come on to you.

34:50 Drew There's a reason that his dad responded to these issues with hyper-religiosity.

34:55 Caller No, it wasn't even, like when he was 20 or like 24, actually, he got into this church.

35:02 Drew Yeah, but listen, the reason he did, because there's some weird crap going on in his family, something happened to his brother or sister, whoever the parents of this child is, and they've done something to her now. His way of dealing with it becomes super religious, something was going on in that family, the other family dealt with it by abusing their kids.

35:18 Adam I do agree with him about the part of you being gay.

35:22 Drew Me?

35:22 Adam Yeah, isn't that what he said? Jeff?

35:24 Drew I have something to talk to you about.

35:26 Adam Jeff, you're 17.

35:28 Caller Hello?

35:28 Adam Yeah, you're 17, you hired a stripper for a party.

35:31 Caller Yeah. Yeah, it was my friend's New Year's Eve party.

35:35 Adam You hired a stripper?

35:37 Caller Yeah.

35:37 Adam Wow, you're 17.

35:39 Caller Yeah, it's actually, it was amazingly simple.

35:42 Caller Yeah.

35:43 Caller Did she come with her bouncer?

35:44 Caller Yeah, that was really scary.

35:46 Adam Big black guy with the radio?

35:48 Caller He was this big fat dude.

35:50 Caller Yeah.

35:50 Caller So was mine.

35:51 Adam Yeah, all bouncers are at least big. Oftentimes, they make change and hold the radio.

35:58 Caller Yeah. It's like the tape over.

36:00 Adam And is the stripper more on the Millennium New Year's? I'd imagine, right?

36:07 Caller I guess, I don't know.

36:08 Adam How much was it?

36:09 Caller 180.

36:10 Adam 180?

36:11 Caller Yeah.

36:11 Adam Yeah, what about tippings? You guys, you kids do any tipping?

36:14 Caller Yeah, well, that's what the other, it was actually 160, but the other 20 was for touching.

36:19 Adam I see.

36:20 Caller 20 for touching.

36:22 Adam It's going to be a nightmare, though. Your stripper, you show up. What you're really hoping for is a bunch of coked up Arab guys so you can really make a haul. There's a bunch of guys wearing braces and retainers.

36:34 Caller Watching Beavis and Butt-Head.

36:36 Adam Wearing napsacks.

36:37 Drew Whoa, she's here.

36:37 Adam She's here.

36:38 Caller I got a boner. Everybody stands up.

36:40 Drew You mean the underage folks can order these things up?

36:43 I don't know.

36:45 Adam I don't know.

36:47 Drew It's like getting beer in the old days.

36:49 Adam Yeah.

36:50 Caller My brother Colonel do it.

36:52 Caller They got the green whatever.

36:53 Adam Hey, Jeff. You did it at 17. You hired a stripper.

36:58 Caller Yeah.

36:58 Adam Did they ask if you're 18?

37:02 Caller No. We just told them that we weren't.

37:06 Adam How old were the rest of the people at the party? Your age?

37:09 Caller Yeah. All my friends.

37:10 Caller How many people?

37:11 Caller Three of us or four of us, I'm sorry.

37:15 Adam Man, that's ambitious. And so what did you guys do? Play around the world and feed the kitty and all that stuff?

37:22 Caller I don't know what those are.

37:23 Adam What did you do to her?

37:25 Caller My question is that, you know, she was there and she would individually come over to us and, you know, give us.

37:36 Adam The most you ever had?

37:38 Caller No, no.

37:39 Adam Oh, come on. What did she give? What did she do to you?

37:43 Caller Just dances.

37:44 Adam Dances.

37:45 Caller Lamp dances. Yeah, exactly.

37:47 Adam Lamp dances, yeah.

37:50 Caller And I was just wondering if there's, you know, any possibility of...

37:55 Adam What did the lamp dance entail, Jeff?

37:57 Caller Just your basic, you know, average...

38:01 Drew Lamp dance.

38:02 Caller Yeah.

38:02 Adam Did she make contact with you?

38:04 Caller No, never.

38:05 Adam Never made contact?

38:06 Drew And no body fluids exchanged?

38:08 Caller You mean skin on skin?

38:09 Drew Right.

38:10 Caller No, never.

38:11 Adam Well... I'm trying to think. Organ on skin or... No, just skin... No. No contact?

38:19 Caller No.

38:19 Adam No. And she didn't hawk a loogie in your face?

38:22 Caller No, never that.

38:23 Adam Really? I had one that did that.

38:26 Drew Mom just picked up the phone there.

38:27 Adam Yeah. Jeff was having some trouble there.

38:33 Drew Okay.

38:34 Caller We...

38:36 Adam Wow.

38:36 Caller Yeah.

38:37 Adam Him and his 17-year-old buddies went, hey listen, I'm bringing the millennium in right, brother.

38:41 Caller Way to go for him.

38:42 Adam Entire stripper will all pool together our money we made selling grit and we'll get this stripper over and she can... We can like get to third base legitimately. You know what I'm saying?

38:55 Caller Has he given his question though yet?

38:56 Adam He wanted to know if you could get anything.

38:58 Caller Oh.

38:59 Adam And I'm guessing he may have touched her a little bit.

39:03 Drew Just no fluid exchange.

39:04 Adam Yeah, listen, he didn't get anything.

39:06 Drew He sounds afraid. Poor Jeff. Don't try this at home, please. Is that the idea that should promote this kind of crap?

39:12 Adam Jeff got in over his head. All right, we're going to take ourselves a little break. Bryce Johnson is here from Popular in the WWE and we'll be back with Cole. Cole 17 looks at kiddie porn on the Internet, wants to know what's up with that after this.

39:31 Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. Back in a minute.

39:35 Adam Well, it's worth hearing.

39:38 This is Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7, The Buzz. This is Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz.

40:04 Adam Oh, Bryce Johnson is our guest tonight. He is on the show Popular. Plays Josh Ford. WB, Thursday Nights, 8 o'clock. Dr. Drew is, well, he's in and out tonight. He's kind of a surprise guest. We'll see if he's interested. Show so far is not holding his interest, but he may become enamored with it and reinvigorated and come back with us in the 11 o'clock hour. Cole?

40:31 Caller Hello.

40:31 Adam You're 17? You enjoy the kiddie porn?

40:37 Caller Yeah, I guess so. I'm really confused and nervous about this. I mean, I've noticed myself just becoming more and more attracted to children of younger and younger ages. Time goes by and it's just, I mean, it scares me just senseless. I mean, I look in the newspapers and, you know, child sex offenders are the most hated person in the entire world or something. And, you know, I don't know what to do, you know.

41:06 Drew Well, did somebody do something to you?

41:08 Caller Um, I don't know. I'm probably the kind of person you guys want to gamble on.

41:11 Drew Yeah, of course they did. Of course they did. And would you want to do that to somebody have somebody else go through that?

41:17 Caller No, and I don't want to do it either.

41:19 Drew That's why there's all this negative energy put against people with these sorts of impulses.

41:25 Caller I know. And I agree.

41:26 Adam Hold on, that made no sense. That didn't make any sense.

41:29 Drew A lot of negative sort of feelings about people with these impulses.

41:31 Adam Well, we don't like these people because they goose kids.

41:33 Drew They hurt other people. They hurt children profoundly.

41:36 Adam Well, yeah, but Cole doesn't want to duplicate his past with somebody else, which is obviously the only reason you'd think to do it. We never really consider that too much. We just assume that someone's raised by loving mommy, loving daddy, and then at, you know, 36 decides to be a nice idea to aff a four-year-old.

41:56 Drew Doesn't happen.

41:57 Adam And the whole reason that's not in any of our heads is, and the reason it sounds impossible to us is because we didn't get aft around with when we were younger. But Cole may be compelled to do it. As we know from doing this show, it's sometimes, you don't, it's like you don't have a choice.

42:13 Drew Right. It's like you.

42:14 Adam It's like it's mandated.

42:15 Drew It's like you and Bryce.

42:16 Adam Someone.

42:16 Drew It's the same deal.

42:18 Adam You're not taking my breast away, are you?

42:20 Drew Well, not your yours personally.

42:22 Adam Thank you. Unbreast. Yeah, as I've said many times, hold on, I don't want to get free call out, but you could take me, tell me breasts were bad, put me in prison for 30 years. And when I got out, the day I got out, I'd want some breasts, some big, big, juicy, big, juicy, sweaty breasts. That's what I would want. So, you know, because that's my thing. That's what I'm into. And I think if it was four-year-olds, I don't know if you can talk guys out of that.

42:51 Caller But you have to, because it can't be done.

42:53 Adam Cole?

42:54 Drew Yeah.

42:55 Adam All right. So what happened to you?

42:58 Caller I don't know exactly what age I was around six or something. I was sexually molested by a neighbor.

43:03 Drew One time?

43:04 Caller Yeah, just once.

43:05 Adam Just once.

43:06 Drew Did you then start acting out with your peers after that?

43:08 Caller I kind of forgot about it for a couple of years. And then like around age 12 or something, I was reminded of it. And then I've thought about it at least once a day, every single day since today.

43:19 Drew What made you think of it at age 12?

43:22 Caller Puberty, I guess.

43:24 Drew So all of a sudden we're thinking about it again?

43:26 Caller Something like that, yeah.

43:27 Adam But Cole, one episode like that...

43:31 Drew Usually doesn't do it.

43:31 Adam Usually doesn't...

43:32 Drew But it can. It can.

43:34 Caller I don't know, but it has.

43:35 Adam Okay, all right. Well, okay, so let's just be analytical about the whole thing. You think about kids, sexually. Boys? No. Girls?

43:46 Caller Yeah.

43:46 Adam Well, that's healthy. What age?

43:48 Drew Was the neighbor a female?

43:51 Caller There's no one really in my area that's around that age right now.

43:55 Adam What was the sex of your neighbor? Was it a man or a woman who did this to you?

43:59 Caller It was a girl about three years older than I was.

44:02 Adam Interesting. Because the second he said he was molested by his neighbor, we all thought for sure...

44:06 Drew A guy with a clown suit on...

44:07 Adam .had to be a guy.

44:08 Drew Yeah, and he's talking about a nine-year-old girl. Yeah, that's weird.

44:12 Caller I had problems too.

44:13 Drew Of course, of course. That's what makes her do that kind of thing.

44:16 Adam Well, hold on a second. Wait a minute there, Cole.

44:19 Caller I'm not saying that she's blameless.

44:21 Adam No, no, no. You at age six getting diddled by a nine-year-old girl should not make you into a pedophile.

44:28 Drew Oh, no, yes, it can. I've said this a million times. You're on pure child sexual abuse.

44:34 Adam Please, the wind blows the wrong way you can be a pedophile, man.

44:37 Drew Well, usually, usually here's what happens.

44:39 Adam That is that on the trauma, on the trauma Richter scale is like a 2.7.

44:46 Drew Yeah, I kind of agree with you, Adam. At six, though, you're pretty... Well, let me tell you the usual story that results in a call. Is the nine-year-old sexually abused, the six-year-old. The six-year-old gets hyper sort of freaked out and starts getting hypersexual. Parents sort of not in the game don't notice it. The kid starts acting out a little bit on other kids and it becomes an entrenched sort of way of doing things.

45:07 Adam All right.

45:08 Drew That's usually the way it goes.

45:09 Adam Well, let's ramp it up with Cole. Cole?

45:11 Caller Yeah.

45:12 Drew Did you do anything to any other kids, do you remember, touching or any weird stuff?

45:15 Caller I haven't done anything to anyone else, no.

45:16 Drew Never. All right, Cole. No, no, when you were a kid though, when you were like seven, eight.

45:19 Caller No.

45:20 Adam Good. All right, here's your job. Don't get drunk. Don't get hooked on any substances because the second you get a beer in you, all bets are off.

45:29 Drew You know, maybe he just needs a relationship with somebody his age.

45:32 Caller I have relationships, you know, it's just.

45:34 Adam How about a little therapy?

45:36 Caller Well, I'm currently in therapy for depression.

45:39 Drew All right, talk about this.

45:40 Adam Talk about it.

45:41 Drew Talk about it. My God, talk about it.

45:42 Adam Okay.

45:44 Drew Child on child sexual abuse is part of the way this thing grows exponentially.

45:47 Adam Yes.

45:48 Drew This crap.

45:48 Caller But therapy can fix it.

45:50 Therapy can really help.

45:51 Drew Yeah, it can really help. Interestingly, the way therapy works is not also, it's not rational the way it works necessarily, but forming a intimate connection with a therapist, sometimes these symptoms like preoccupation with kiddie porn will just sort of vanish. It's not like you have to sit and obsess about it and talk it through.

46:05 Caller So he doesn't have to have that for the rest of his life. He can do something about it.

46:09 Adam Kaelin, short 15 years and $37,000 later it will all be gone. Kaelin?

46:15 Caller Yeah.

46:16 Adam You're 16 years old.

46:18 Caller Yeah.

46:18 Adam Your parents are kicking you out of the house?

46:20 Caller Yeah.

46:22 Adam At 16?

46:23 Caller Yeah.

46:23 Adam Yeah. You must have f'ed up pretty good.

46:26 Caller Oh yeah, it's been going on for a long time.

46:28 Adam Why do you keep acting out?

46:31 Caller I'm not really sure.

46:32 Adam You mad at them?

46:33 Drew Did somebody kick your ass a little bit when you were younger?

46:36 Caller I was spanked, yeah.

46:37 Drew A lot?

46:38 Caller Not a lot.

46:39 Caller Like usually, like if I got...

46:42 Drew You left home too though, Bryce.

46:43 Caller What's that?

46:44 Drew Bryce left home too. Came to Hollywood for crying out loud.

46:48 Caller I'm crazy.

46:49 Drew What's his headline here?

46:50 Caller Look at this.

46:50 Adam He shot a seven over par in his stand to throw him out of the house.

46:55 Drew What do you ever hit with an object?

46:58 Caller Yeah, a wooden spoon most of the time.

46:59 Drew There you go.

47:01 Caller Mine was a wooden spoon too. A pizza paddle. And then we kept breaking them over our bare bottom so she had to wrap them with black tape. We used to laugh at it though. We thought it was funny when we break her paddles. We would laugh so hard.

47:12 Adam Kaelin? Yeah. How about telling your parents, you're sorry, you're wrong, and seeing if they let you stay. And not screwing up anymore.

47:20 Caller Well, like, see, that's been going on like that for like years.

47:26 Adam All right. Well, I don't, I mean, can you stop acting out? Can you get involved with sports?

47:32 Caller Yeah, I play sports and stuff. I play football and things like that.

47:36 Adam All right.

47:36 Caller Well. But, well, they want me to go live with my dad. I don't know if I should do that.

47:42 Adam Oh, boy. Hold on a second. OK, we're running out of time. I was just I was just told that Bryce Johnson is leaving during this break or after this break. I was just informed that about 10 seconds ago. So I'm trying to figure out. Oh, that's right. Right. So hang out through the commercial to say bye. So we can figure this whole thing out.

48:04 All right.

48:04 Adam We'll take a little break. We'll get back with Bryce and then we'll figure out where Kaelin can go after this.

48:16 This is Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz. This is Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz. This is Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz.

49:01 Adam KQBZ. It is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Bryce Johnson is our guest tonight from Popular on WB. Thursday night. It's 8 o'clock. Jeremy McGrath should be in here sometime this week. Maybe Tuesday. Fresh off his big Supercross victory last night that I saw. So I'll have fun time talking to him about that. Power Man 5000. Mix Master Michael be in here. David Arquette. Unwritten Law, whose hat should be on my head right now. Is that true, Drew?

49:41 Drew Indeed it is. Indeed it is.

49:42 Adam And Long Beach Dub All Stars, who are always a good time. Will be in here in the coming days here on Loveline. But tonight, Bryce is going to hang with us until the next break, because Bryce has to get up at 6.30 tomorrow, do some Coke and go back to bed. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm guessing has to go back and do Popular.

50:05 Caller Yes.

50:06 Adam Which I have no idea how real shows are done, because I just do cable shows. But you got to film that. I mean, it's like...

50:14 Caller Film it like a movie.

50:15 Adam And it's pretty long days, right?

50:17 Caller 12 to 16 hours, yeah.

50:19 Adam Oh, jeez. Yeah, I was just talking to someone about that. You know, if you get on a sitcom, you do a table read for an hour and a half on a Monday. A couple of live tape. But that's a sitcom. If you're doing one of these hour-long dramas and it's being filmed, I mean, it's like shooting a movie.

50:38 Caller Yeah, it's hard work.

50:39 Adam It's a bitch.

50:40 Caller No complaints here, though. That's the last thing.

50:42 Adam It's not as hard as modeling, though. I'll tell you that right now.

50:45 Drew Well, does Bryce have to go?

50:46 Adam Well, no, he's going to stay till the end of this break.

50:48 Caller I'm going to chill.

50:48 Adam Kaelin?

50:49 Caller Yeah.

50:50 Adam All right. So you're 16. Your parents are kicking you out of the house.

50:53 Caller Yep.

50:53 Adam And...

50:53 Drew They beat him and now he's acting out. Surprise.

50:56 Adam Okay. And this is your mom and your stepdad.

51:00 Caller Yeah.

51:00 Adam And they just can't handle you.

51:02 Drew What's going on with your dad that you wouldn't want to live there?

51:04 Caller Well, he's a fisherman and he lives on the coast. And so he's like in for a couple of days and he goes out in the sea for a couple of days.

51:12 Drew Perfect.

51:12 Caller That would be fun for you.

51:14 Drew So it's interesting. You know you need more structure than that.

51:17 Caller Yeah.

51:17 Drew That's interesting.

51:18 Adam You're giving him too much credit.

51:20 Caller But and also like he he lives in a two-bedroom apartment and he has a girlfriend with like two teenage daughters and boy.

51:27 Adam Oh boy. And the worst part is he has one of those clocks. That's like the steering wheel of a ship.

51:35 Drew You know, I'm saying it's on the wooden with a clock in the middle.

51:39 Caller Right.

51:39 Adam Right. That's really the reason he doesn't want to move in.

51:43 Caller Yeah.

51:43 Adam All right. Hey, Kaelin.

51:45 Caller Yeah.

51:46 Adam Do you think you could really sit down with your step mother or your stepfather and your mom and say, listen, I'm going to, you know, I know I've been acting out and I know I've been troubled. And there's a million reasons why I was doing it. But from this day forth, and if I f up again, you can toss me. But I'd like to just see if I can keep my nose clean for a few years until I go off to junior college.

52:08 Drew He can't do that.

52:09 Adam Hello? Yeah. The thing is like, we've been, I think it worked on the last. Yeah.

52:15 Caller Happened before like many times.

52:17 Adam Okay. Well, they're kicking you out of the house.

52:20 Caller Yeah. Okay.

52:20 Adam You're going to dad's.

52:22 Caller Well.

52:22 Adam All right. You shouldn't have to. I mean, I don't, I mean, suck it up. I keep telling Kaylee, you think you could talk to him? No, that ain't going to work. Well, it's like, then I don't know what to say. You go to your dad.

52:33 Drew Or you can go to some residential treatment place. You know, someplace.

52:36 Adam What do you mean?

52:38 Drew I've seen some of these outward bound things work on kids like that.

52:41 Adam Yeah. Actually, I had a friend of mine tell me about that. Two months he was in one of these things.

52:46 Drew Yeah, did it help him?

52:48 Adam I guess. Well, this is the guy's bachelor part. I went to him part of Florida, so I guess he did all right. Turned out to turn... was a producer on The Simpsons, so I guess it turned out okay. Oh, please. Makes plenty of money. He's very happy. Dave? Hold on a second. I want to talk to Dan. Dan? Yeah. You're 30? You're still a virgin? Uh-huh. That's surprising.

53:16 Caller I'm calling to ask about if you have any suggestions on this topic here.

53:25 Adam Why do you think you're still a virgin in your estimation?

53:29 Caller Well, in part because some of the women I like to have gone out with are either seeing somebody else engaged to get married or that they're gay.

53:39 Adam Uh-huh.

53:41 Drew This reminds me of the guy at the Denny's. The guy who was coming with...

53:44 Yeah.

53:45 Adam Yeah. He sounds a little creepy. Hey, Dan?

53:48 Yeah.

53:49 Adam See, I can't figure out whether guys who are a virgin at 30 are creepy because they're a virgin at 30 or that's what kept them a virgin. I'm guessing that's what kept them a virgin. Dan, is there anything wrong with you?

54:04 Caller Except for being old. I can't think of anything else.

54:06 Caller Have you gotten really close one time?

54:09 Caller Well, there's one woman I was dating for a while and ended up moving to Nova Scotia.

54:15 Adam You did? She did. She did. And then that was it?

54:20 Caller Still keep in touch.

54:21 Adam Sure.

54:22 Caller Go to Nova Scotia.

54:23 Adam And?

54:25 Caller Yeah, well.

54:26 Adam Right.

54:26 Drew Is there anything we should know about you?

54:31 Caller Nothing really. It's just I'm just an average, one of the most powerful person.

54:35 Adam What do you do for a living?

54:37 Caller I work for the government.

54:40 Adam Doing?

54:40 Drew What's that mean?

54:41 Adam Doing what?

54:43 Caller Just that. I can't really get into details about that.

54:47 Drew Collecting welfare? Are you on disability?

54:51 Caller No, I'm not.

54:52 Adam That's not working for the government.

54:53 Drew Well, I'm wondering if he's using a euphemism of some time.

54:56 Adam I see. Hey, Dan. Please give us some hints about your work.

55:02 Caller Maybe he's a spy. Well, I can speed through traffic, but I cannot take it.

55:07 Adam All right. So you're a cop?

55:09 Caller No, I'm not.

55:12 Adam Do you have a diplomatic plate or something on your car?

55:16 Caller Well, I can get a cop fired in a heartbeat.

55:19 Adam What?

55:22 Caller No.

55:22 Adam Hold on. Don't they have psychological testing for those things?

55:25 Caller Men in black.

55:26 Drew Something what?

55:27 Adam Hey, Dan, if you sped through a red light and a cop pulled you over and he was going to write you a ticket.

55:35 Caller I can get away with it.

55:37 Adam Right, right. We got that part. How would he know not to write you the ticket?

55:42 Caller I got my ID and show it to him.

55:43 Adam And your ID would have a picture of you on it.

55:46 Caller 007?

55:46 Adam With your name and then it would say also.

55:52 Caller You're digging here.

55:54 Adam That you work for some branch of the government, military?

56:00 Caller With the military, but. All right.

56:03 Adam Like CIA? Okay. Not FBI? Okay. Are you sure you're not just masturbating right now in your fan-ized apartment while you're crying?

56:15 Caller Does it sound like it?

56:16 Adam Yeah. Kind of. Yeah.

56:18 Caller No. No. I'm not doing it. All right.

56:19 Adam How much do you make a year, Dan?

56:21 Caller About $45,000 a year.

56:23 Adam All right. So you make a decent living. And you got yourself your own pad. You drive a decent car.

56:31 Caller Well, not so decent. It's kind of crummy, though, but...

56:34 Adam Okay. And how's the hygiene?

56:37 Caller Very good.

56:38 Adam Very good. Very clean guy? And is there anything wrong with you? Are you grossly overweight? Festering boils? Gingervitis? Anything like that? No. You're a clean guy?

56:50 Caller Except for long hair.

56:52 Adam Would you let you hump you?

56:55 Caller Well, that depends. I never looked at myself that way.

56:57 Adam All right. Hey, why don't you get a haircut?

56:59 Drew Maybe it's a good way to look at yourself.

57:00 Adam How can you have long hair and work for the government this way?

57:02 Caller Well, there are some... There's one guy I know who works for the ATF who's got longer hair than I do.

57:08 Adam Oh, okay. So he's ATF.

57:10 Drew I see.

57:10 Adam You have a windbreaker with blue letters on it? Yeah. All right. Hey, Dan, listen to me. We should have known ATF because that's what this guy sounds like. Sounds like he was like... You know what it sounds like? Sounds like he got busted at his still and that they recruited him to go on to go on the inside. You know what I mean? Okay. Hey, Dan, first off, get a haircut.

57:37 Caller That's what my Uncle Benny tells me.

57:39 Adam Listen to Uncle Benny. Not about anything but the hair.

57:41 Drew Maybe he shouldn't take his job so seriously. Maybe he's looking too much the part.

57:46 Adam Please get a haircut because chicks don't like that long hair.

57:49 Drew Maybe he's getting really into this role of being a...

57:51 Adam Just listen. Listen. And just relax with the women. I mean, don't...

57:57 Caller Don't look for it.

57:58 Caller You'll find it.

57:59 Adam Well...

58:00 Caller There's a couple women I like to date in the office, though, but...

58:03 Adam No, stay away from them. What do you like to do other than run red lights?

58:10 Caller One thing I love to do is take pictures.

58:13 Adam You like photography? I like to shoot models. I know God is going to strike me down for this, but how about going over to the local junior college, signing up for some sort of photography class, and seeing who you run into over there?

58:26 Caller Well, I've been accredited by the photograph of forensic experts.

58:32 Adam Okay, good. You like taking pictures of people who have... Yeah, but the point is, it's like......machetes in them.

58:37 Caller I got over $60,000 of camera equipment...

58:40 Drew See, it's like me going back for a biology class or something.

58:43 Adam Listen, but Dan's a mess. And here's the deal, Dan.

58:45 Caller He's not some mess that he's seen.

58:47 Adam No, but he's hiding behind everything. You know, on one minute he's vulnerable, and then the next second he puts his front up about being above the lawn, having $60,000 worth of camera equipment. Just admit that no matter how many red lights you can run and how much camera equipment you have, you're total putz when it comes to women. Let's start from scratch and stop hiding behind all this crap. And listen, don't treat women like there were some sort of foreign breed of dog that you had to outwit. Just relax. Don't be yourself, Dan. Be somebody else. I usually say relax and be yourself, but I'm not sure. Dan, relax and be Drew. That'll get you some. It doesn't get Drew any, but it'll get you some. I don't know. It's just... Okay, here's what I want to say. You're 30, you're a virgin, whatever it is you've been doing thus far.

59:39 Drew Not good.

59:40 Adam Ain't workin. Ain't effective.

59:42 Caller You come into a wall, my friend. Go back the other way.

59:45 Adam You are like a pitcher who has never struck anyone out. As a matter of fact, every pitch he's ever thrown has been hit out of the ballpark. So stop throwing that pitch. Let's go into another pitch. You know what I mean? If you have an idea to do something, don't do it. There you go. That's the best advice we can give. Don't trust your instincts. Dave, you're 25.

1:00:07 Caller Hey, Adam.

1:00:08 Caller Hey, Dr. Drew. I just wanted to call. A couple months ago, I heard you talking to John Popper about shooting big guns and stuff.

1:00:14 Adam He has a cannon in his front. Yeah.

1:00:17 Caller I work on CWIS for the Navy, on an aircraft carrier.

1:00:22 Adam What do you fire?

1:00:23 Caller We shoot CWIS, which is also called phalanx.

1:00:26 Adam Oh, the missile.

1:00:28 Caller What's that?

1:00:29 Adam Oh, you're talking about the Gatlin gun.

1:00:31 Caller Yeah, the 3000 rounds a minute.

1:00:34 Adam That is the most awesome weapon in the world.

1:00:37 Caller I thought you'd get a kick out of that.

1:00:38 Adam It is a Gatlin gun that they have on the deck. Well, I was confused with the carrier because I always seem to see them on the destroyers. But it's like an old fashion, almost looks like the Gatlin gun, which means a bunch of barrels. I don't know how many barrels, six or ten or?

1:00:52 Caller It's got six.

1:00:53 Adam Six barrels. They spin around, they shoot that spent uranium. Is that what they shoot?

1:00:59 Caller Yes, it had depleted uranium.

1:01:01 Adam Well, I call it spent.

1:01:02 Caller Yeah.

1:01:02 Caller Is that like a bullet?

1:01:03 Adam Depleted uranium is the hardest substance known to man. The bullets aren't an explosive tip or anything, they just shred anything. I mean, they go through armor, they go through everything, and they fire 3,000 rounds a minute. So basically, and they have this Gatlin effect where they spin around. So basically, some torpedo plane is coming in low to try to drop one at the carrier, and this thing just goes... It's just these little flurries.

1:01:32 Caller Sounds like a big fart.

1:01:33 Adam Yeah, and in this... It shoots like, you know, 1800 bullets in it. And it's all this spent uranium, it just shreds whatever comes at it.

1:01:42 Caller Hey, Adam.

1:01:43 Adam What is the range on that thing?

1:01:45 Caller Well, we can track up to 3 miles when we shoot at one, but at one mile, we can shoot a 1-inch cable. That's how accurate it is.

1:01:52 Adam At one mile. And what kind of...

1:01:54 Caller Is it hooked up to radar or something to track the plane?

1:01:56 Caller Yeah, it has a radar on top. It looks like R2-D2. It's this big white, like R2-D2.

1:02:00 Adam Yeah, that's right. And what kind of spread do you get at one mile or two miles with those bullets?

1:02:07 Caller Probably a mile.

1:02:08 Caller At one mile, it's accurate. We could hit, like, if you held up a 1-inch part of a ruler, we could knock it off.

1:02:15 Adam Would I have to hold it up or could I just tape it to a stick?

1:02:18 Caller You could tape it to a stick.

1:02:19 Caller Thank God.

1:02:20 Adam And so, Dave, what you're saying is, and the program director, Carrack, called me and I said, stop talking so much, but I got to know about this thing. Are you saying that all those 3,000 bullets will stay in a line?

1:02:33 Caller Correct.

1:02:34 Adam And don't they want them to spray in certain situations?

1:02:39 Caller Not necessarily. Sometimes they're meant to shoot down missiles coming around the ship at, you know, after the fire.

1:02:45 Adam And wouldn't you want it to fan out a little bit if that was the situation or would the radar just lock on to the missile?

1:02:52 Caller It locks on to it and it also locks on to its own bullets to correct for itself.

1:02:56 Caller Oh my god.

1:02:57 Adam Yeah, that thing is wicked.

1:02:58 Caller So they all stay in a pattern like the... Oh my, that's amazing.

1:03:00 Adam And who actually operates it? Because you don't see anybody on it. Dave does.

1:03:04 Caller Actually, I do. I sit down in combat systems and shoot.

1:03:07 Adam But you're under a few decks, right?

1:03:09 Caller Yeah, I'm right in the third ship. We're the last place to get hit.

1:03:13 Adam And so do you have a video camera or something that will let you know what's going on?

1:03:18 Caller We don't actually see it while it's happening. Afterwards, we'll see a videotape.

1:03:22 Adam And what kind of drones do you get to shoot at?

1:03:25 Caller Have you ever shot live targets in combat at all?

1:03:28 Caller No, I actually haven't. But we have Lear jets that pull drones that look like missiles and fly them right by the ship.

1:03:34 Drew How many governments in the world have instruments like this?

1:03:38 Caller Everybody has them now. We sell all our old chips.

1:03:40 Adam Yeah, but this phalanx thing is pretty... No one has one as good as you got.

1:03:45 Caller No, ours is usually the top of the top model one.

1:03:49 Drew But everybody has stuff like this now.

1:03:50 Caller Correct.

1:03:52 Adam What are you making that face for, Drew? I love this.

1:03:56 Caller But I have a question for Dr. Drew.

1:03:58 Drew Yeah, Dave, go ahead.

1:03:59 Adam I got last year's phalanx.

1:04:00 Caller I'm on a...

1:04:01 Adam I'll shoot 2,800 bullets a minute.

1:04:03 Drew Go ahead.

1:04:04 Caller I'm on a ship with about 6,000 guys, right? And we pull into some pretty nasty ports. I was wondering what kind of stuff can I catch from sharing a bathroom?

1:04:12 Drew It's not the ports. It's what the guys do with the ports, isn't it? This is a bad port.

1:04:16 Caller It's not the port.

1:04:17 Adam It's the hole.

1:04:19 Caller There's some nasty ports.

1:04:20 Drew I bet. Well, you really... It's hard to get things from a bathroom. You might be much more concerned about the stool contaminating things and giving you things that are transmitted by the so-called oral fecal root.

1:04:32 Adam Right.

1:04:32 Drew Worms and hepatitis and that sort of thing. How fun. Sexually transmitted diseases are pretty difficult to get from a toilet seat. The moist surfaces can be a problem.

1:04:41 Adam What about spraying... I mean, let's say you had a little thing of rubbing alcohol and a little ch-ch-ch, you know, in your pocket. Would that do any good? Would it help?

1:04:50 Drew Dry it off, yeah. Dry is the most important thing.

1:04:53 Adam It is.

1:04:54 Caller They got that new liquid bacterial soap dissolves in your hands.

1:04:57 Drew Yeah, this is all virus, though, and so...

1:04:59 Caller Is that not gonna work?

1:05:00 Adam What about... you wouldn't just a little rubbing alcohol, just ch-ch-ch, you know?

1:05:04 What guy's gonna kill me rubbing alcohol?

1:05:05 Adam Let me explain it to you. So rubbing alcohol ch-ch-ch in the phalanx is ch-ch-ch-ch. Oh, it's the greatest thing ever.

1:05:11 Drew But how bizarre is it that every country in the world has one of those now?

1:05:14 Adam Well, they just have the old ones we give them.

1:05:16 Drew Yeah, but like you said, they only shoot to 14 out of rounds a minute.

1:05:19 Adam Well, that's all right.

1:05:21 Drew let me...

1:05:22 Caller Why do they have to shoot somebody's one bullet?

1:05:24 Drew Well, they only need those things.

1:05:25 Adam Yeah, but listen, would we care if they had a cannon from one of our ships from the 1800s? You know what I mean? Technology moves ahead at a fast clip and whoever's ahead, even if it's just a couple of years, kicks the ass of the other people they're fighting. That's the way it works. No.

1:05:41 Drew Joe? We asked the question about...

1:05:43 Adam You're 21. What's going on?

1:05:45 Well, I just want to say, Dr. Drew, you're great. And Adam knows Juggies made you much cooler. But my question is, I'm in school in a college fraternity here. And a lot of times at night, the guys like to get naked and they start to touch each other. Not necessarily sexually, but they have these different moves they use. One's called the Smashed Frog, if you've ever heard of it. Have you heard of the Smashed Frog?

1:06:08 Adam Well, to me, the Smashed Frog is when one pulls the scrotum up over the penis. And actually, that's called the turtle, actually. Wait a minute, I may be mixing my creek metaphors. The turtle is when you take the scrotum and you pull it over the penis, it just creates like a lump. What's the Smashed Frog?

1:06:32 Okay, well, the one you were describing, we call it the Elastic Scrotum. We refer to the Smashed Frog more as when you tuck it between your legs and you bend over.

1:06:41 Drew So that's the bowl of fruit. And then we heard the old bowl of fruit.

1:06:45 Adam You know, it varies regionally, like some places call it the fill-in station, other people call it the gas station.

1:06:51 Drew Or the plantain.

1:06:51 Adam It's one of those things.

1:06:53 Well, anyway, they are like that.

1:06:55 Adam So that's the Smashed Frog, but why don't you go ahead and try the turtle out and really impress the boys?

1:07:00 Drew Okay, what's your question?

1:07:01 Well, I'm just wondering if it's natural for these guys to be doing this. Often they Is it natural? As they rub each other's butts or touch each other's balls and among other things.

1:07:09 Adam Yes.

1:07:10 Caller Yeah, I'll doubt that.

1:07:11 Drew There's a point at which hyper masculine behavior becomes homosexual.

1:07:16 Caller No, that's not normal.

1:07:19 Adam In nature, but not in God's eyes.

1:07:22 Drew Not in spirit?

1:07:24 Adam Listen, I was having this conversation with my buddy, The Wheeze, today at the auto show, and I had a very manly weekend. I was at the Super Bowl of Motocross Saturday night.

1:07:33 Caller The auto show.

1:07:34 Adam Took a crap in my lawn, and then I went over to the auto show. So I'm living the male life. And I was talking to the Wheeze, and we're talking about all this bizarre behavior of our past, and how 95% of it could have been mistaken for homosexuality. Yeah, it actually technically was. But the thing is, is you're gay.

1:07:56 Drew It was shrouded in.

1:07:57 Adam I looked at him and I said, I know when you tell people these stories, they go, oh my God, these guys were gay. But I could never think of a guy in a sexual way, and none of my friends ever could either. Never. I mean, I just couldn't imagine it.

1:08:13 Drew It's just because you're in denial about it.

1:08:14 Adam Couldn't imagine.

1:08:15 Drew You go ahead and do it, you're fine.

1:08:17 Adam I could take a leak on one of my friends, no problem. But the idea of like kissing him, that's bizarre.

1:08:23 Drew It's not good to women either, though.

1:08:25 Adam Well, there's the cootie factor there. Drew, how many times do I have to bring that up to you? You're a doctor. I'm sorry, Bryce, you were saying?

1:08:32 Caller I just don't. I didn't get the point. I'm going to call 10 of my buddies. We're all going to get nude and play board games. That's my Saturday night.

1:08:41 Adam Joe was just trying to rat out some of his friends.

1:08:44 Drew Men do have this thing of sort of waving their genitalia around. It's some sort of aggressive. It's a narcissistic exhibitionism. That's what that's called.

1:08:53 Adam Thank you. That's what I did in high school. All right. One more call and then we'll take ourselves a little break here.

1:09:00 Drew I'm waiting for her to fill here.

1:09:01 Adam You want to go?

1:09:02 Drew Come on.

1:09:03 Adam Brian? You're 28? Yeah. Your fiance left you because you smoke? Correct.

1:09:09 Drew Smoked cigarettes? Yep.

1:09:12 Adam That's why she left?

1:09:14 Caller Well, it's been ongoing for the past three years. I've been trying to quit by the patch. Didn't work and I was down to two or three cigarettes a day. I came home one night. She smelled it, freaked out. I left, drove around for a few hours, came back. She said she wanted to work it out and I'll say it later.

1:09:39 Adam Okay. You're right. We shouldn't go into this call. It's a dud. Hey, Brian, listen to me. Why is this such a huge issue for you? I mean, for her. You're trying to quit. You got down to two or three cigarettes a day. Why is she not wanting to marry you? It's got to be more here.

1:09:56 Caller I wish there was.

1:09:58 Drew No, no, no, no, no, no.

1:09:59 Adam You shouldn't because then all you have to do is quit and you get her back.

1:10:02 Drew The cigarettes and other things going on?

1:10:05 Caller No, aside from the cigarettes, everything else is perfect.

1:10:10 Adam Everything else is perfect. Then why is she so freaked out? How come this seems so peculiar to us?

1:10:15 Caller Um, yes, they did in the past, especially when we first started dating, that she has control issues. And, um, yeah, something that she can't control.

1:10:26 Adam So yeah, I'm assuming that's well, Brian, do you really want to marry this girl, by the way?

1:10:32 Caller Yes, I do.

1:10:33 Adam Why? Why are you so crazy about miscontrol?

1:10:38 Caller Um, I have no idea. I'm in love with her.

1:10:41 Drew Were there other substances than cigarettes initially? Um, yes.

1:10:45 Caller Yeah, money problems.

1:10:47 Adam No, other substances.

1:10:49 Caller Who doesn't have money?

1:10:50 Adam Other substances? Marijuana?

1:10:53 Caller Oh, no, no.

1:10:54 Adam Booze?

1:10:54 Caller None.

1:10:55 Adam Alright, what's the deal with her past and the control?

1:10:59 Caller Uh, I'm not exactly sure.

1:11:02 Adam Yeah, do you suspect something's up?

1:11:04 Caller It's possible.

1:11:05 Adam Somebody held her down and blew smoke in her face and did something to her when she was younger?

1:11:09 Caller Well, I know she smoked all through high school and she quit and she told me a story about a guy smoking a pack of clothes and dying in this club.

1:11:17 Adam No. Where's her dad?

1:11:19 Caller Dad's, uh, dad's local.

1:11:21 Adam Is she like him?

1:11:23 Caller Oh, she, uh, looks up to him. He's an idol.

1:11:25 Adam And what about mom?

1:11:27 Caller Same.

1:11:28 Drew No alcohols in there?

1:11:29 Caller None.

1:11:30 Adam All right. So she's just focusing on the smoking. Listen, Brian.

1:11:34 Caller Yeah.

1:11:35 Adam Uh, I agree. It'd be nice if you quit. On the other hand, somebody who ends, uh, an engagement because the other guy's down to three cigarettes a day is looking for a reason to get out.

1:11:46 Caller That's no good.

1:11:46 Adam You're looking to get out. You just are. You just have to. Even if your reason is to be there to control the person, you still would hang out to try to get them to quit. So, something's up. Looking at that. Do not take this at face value. All right, Bryce, you're going.

1:12:04 Caller Adios amigos. That was so much fun. Thanks for having me here, guys.

1:12:08 Adam Come in any time. Popular WB Thursday nights, Bryce Johnson. Thank you very much for coming in. We'll take a little break and we'll be back with more show after this.

1:12:24 This is Love Line on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz. 100.7 The Buzz. This is Love Line on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz.

1:12:58 Adam Hey, hey, hey, hey. All right, Bryce is left the building. Nice to see the land.

1:13:04 Drew So you're going to Santa Barbara on Friday?

1:13:05 Adam I'm going to Santa Barbara on Friday. I'll be up there for a little, if you want to call it that, I don't know where we're retreating from.

1:13:13 Drew So you know the debacle that you guys go with, like the Mexican retreats?

1:13:16 Adam Yeah, listen, when you hear retreat, it's a euphemism for...

1:13:19 Drew Strippers.

1:13:21 Adam Oh.

1:13:21 Drew For you guys. Come on.

1:13:23 Adam Drunken orgy, Roman-style orgy.

1:13:25 Drew Okay.

1:13:25 Adam All right. That's Dr. Drew, Adam Corolla, phone number 1-800-LVE-191. Let me say two quick things. I'm trying to limit my talking on this show.

1:13:37 Drew Funny. I can't help it though.

1:13:40 Adam I can't help it because I see things I live.

1:13:41 Drew What exactly did Wally say to you? A boss called Adam and gave him a little tongue lashing. I heard our affiliates were complaining.

1:13:48 Adam Everybody wants me to do... Well, I know. Wait, hold on. Shut up. What do you mean you hear our affiliates are complaining?

1:13:54 Drew But I heard.

1:13:54 Adam Heard from nobody.

1:13:56 Drew Can you show me some letters?

1:13:57 Adam Oh, kiss my ass. All the affiliates. Rant me out to the boss. Please. He said take more calls. I said, what about my high school football playing days? Okay, listen. Let me just tell you something. I want to straighten a few things out. I went over to this Anaheim Pond to watch Jeremy McGrath completely dominate, by the way, the 250 class in the Supercross last night. Now, I've tried these things a million times before, and Cheryl, his publicist, is a great woman, always helps me out, gives me tickets and all kinds of stuff. But we always work it out three or four days in advance, and then magically, there's some difficulty. Yes. Now, a couple of things, and I've noticed this at every venue I've been to. I've been to plenty of venues. A, if anyone works for a venue or has any association with one, please listen to me. There should not be two or three will calls. That is the world's worst goddamn idea I've ever heard in my effin life. There is, every big event has three will calls, and none of the three are connected in any way, shape, or form. You'll never go to the right one first, but you will wait in a long line to get to the front of that one, to have them send you to the next one, who don't know you, so you can go to the third. Why are there three different will calls? Why are they not connected in any way? You know what I'm talking about? That makes it just zero sense. Zero sense to me. And it's the first one's always a complete bust. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And you got some guy who didn't score as well on the SATs you might have liked, who's blowing through those envelopes, and you're sure he's blown right past yours, there's no way he's going back to go get it anyway. So it's like Adam Corolla, Chairman, nope. You want to look? No. You don't want to look through the thing? Okay. Like the feeling's gone. Sorry. And I always want to say, hey, can I look? Because I got a feeling if I look, I'm going to find something. Did you find it? No, no. So it's like, all right. Well, it's probably to another will call. And by the way, the sign over the will call does not say, will call number one. It says will call. And everybody who gets you tickets for something says, they'll be waiting at will call. Not will call number one, not will call South, not Grande will call or Paquito will call.

1:16:32 Caller Just said will call.

1:16:33 Caller It'll be a will call.

1:16:34 Adam And it's never that will call. And they have zero ways of communicating with the other will call and are not interested.

1:16:42 Drew Yeah.

1:16:43 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:16:43 Drew Most importantly.

1:16:44 Adam Yeah, you're over. Yeah, that's at the other will, probably the other will call. Yeah. Can you cut? No. Well, do you think they've? I don't know. Well, where is it? Well, I know this sounds mathematically impossible, but you have to circle the entire stadium once, come past where you are and then go halfway around. Really? Yes. Couldn't I just stop halfway? No, that's protocol for will call. You must make an entire revolution and then go halfway around, you'll go the other way. It is 180 degrees from where, if you could walk in a straight line from here, but see where my back is now, straight through the stadium, right over the triple jump, through the whoopies, it's on the farthest other side. Okay. And that's will call number two? Yeah. How many more are there? Don't know. Go over there, try it.

1:17:33 Caller Nope.

1:17:34 Adam Thank God I had the cell phone and the number. Now, here's a good part. I'm on the phone with Cheryl, who's Jeremy McGrath's publicist, and I'm saying, listen, I'm an A, B, and C will call. No one has. I just was down there, she's saying. I just told, see, here's the whole thing about will call. The people in will call, not interested in you getting in. No, as a matter of fact, I think there's some kind of bonus system. Like at the end of the night, if they're left, whoever's left the biggest stack of unused unclaimed tickets gets like a Domino's Pizza or something, because they don't want you to come in. Everybody's suspicious to them. It's as if you're wearing a striped jumpsuit, you got shackles on your legs.

1:18:17 Drew Isn't that part of working at a venue that you're supposed to keep people out? Isn't that the whole idea?

1:18:21 Adam Yeah. I'm always amazed how people get in because they don't seem to want to let you in. Where are you going? So here it is. I'm on the phone with Cheryl and she's pissed off. I was just down there. I just told those people, and I said, let me talk to them. So they couldn't talk to them because I couldn't fit the phone that I was on underneath the little Will Cole plexiglass. And by the way, as far as the little tray at the bottom goes, go ahead and make it two inches. You don't have to make it three-eighths of an inch. You know what I mean? I mean, what are the chances? Yeah, just suppose you have to slide like a newspaper or something through there. What are you going to do? Rape someone through there? It's like, where are we? Is this Wells Fargo? You know what I mean? Make a little space there. So I can't get the phone stuffed through the glass. But it will fall into the tray. It just can't be pushed through the other side. Luckily, the phone has a speaker on it. So I put the thing on speakerphone and wedge it into the tray as far as possible. Now, the woman at will call is like yelling down into the tray. What name would it be under? And I hear her, I'm like yelling into the tray too. I need five passes. And I just thought, why three? Why two, three, four will calls? Why? And why aren't they hooked up? And how come the people at will call are so dead against you getting in that goddamn stadium?

1:19:57 Drew How did the story end?

1:19:58 Adam The story ended that there was no tickets, but she remembered Cheryl coming down, couldn't figure out where the tickets came from, ripped open someone else's package, gave us four laminates in one ticket. That's all they could have. And then naturally, when we came walking into the place, the four laminates walked in, sorry, with the ticket. Man, it was a wonderful event. I had a good time. I just want to know what's up with will call and what's in it for you not letting people into the stadium. Okay. Where are we going here, Drew?

1:20:33 Drew There we go. Julie.

1:20:34 Adam Julie?

1:20:35 Caller Yeah.

1:20:35 Adam You're 24.

1:20:36 Drew Yes.

1:20:37 Caller My mom just did that with the will call too at Universal Amphitheater.

1:20:40 Adam Let me tell you something. If I had my, when I'm in charge, you know what I'm going to do with those will call booze? I'm just going to lock the door from the outside, I'm going to put a chair and I'm just going to fill it with gasoline and throw a cigarette through that little crack at the front and it actually torched the entire place.

1:20:56 Drew I thought the Universal Amphitheater was reprehensible until we had a big event somewhere else.

1:21:00 Caller Oh yeah.

1:21:01 Drew Like the pond.

1:21:02 Caller Yeah.

1:21:02 Adam It's just a bunch of mistrusting people and you can have some guys show up in a pair of $400 loafers and an Armani suit talking on a cell phone, talking about being someone's agent and they're like, they don't care. You could be wearing a bib overalls and chewing pork fat and they treat you the same. I mean, it doesn't matter.

1:21:22 Caller And when they send you back to the same one, they don't remember who you are.

1:21:27 Adam Listen, only retards work at Willcall. They'll not hire anybody of average intelligence.

1:21:33 Caller Maybe that's the case.

1:21:35 Drew What's going on, Julie?

1:21:36 Caller I read in the Dr. Drew and Adam book about herpes. There was a question about what if a married couple had herpes and you said you'd never seen it in a clinical setting. Well, both my husband and I have herpes and I think that I got it from him, but I'm the only one who ever has symptoms.

1:21:55 Adam What do you mean you've never seen it in a clinical setting, Drew?

1:21:57 Drew I don't know what that means because I have seen it.

1:21:59 Caller Oh, that's what you wrote in the book.

1:22:00 Drew I don't remember that.

1:22:01 Caller Somebody asked the question. You said you've never seen it in a clinical setting.

1:22:04 Adam Well, Drew and I wrote the book 22 years ago now, so a lot of times passed.

1:22:08 Drew Okay. Well, I have seen it. What's the question?

1:22:09 Caller Right. The question is, it did complicate my childbirth, like you said. So my doctors all know that I have it. But I had never known that there was a higher risk of cervical cancer. They've never said anything. What do I need to get? Like, is yearly pap smears enough? Or do I need to go on more often?

1:22:26 Drew Probably a year is enough unless you have some abnormality of the cells. And you also need to be tested for the wart viruses, some evidence that that's more significantly the culprit in causing the cervical cancer. But regular, regular, intensive, appropriate screening is the way to deal with it.

1:22:41 Adam Stephen?

1:22:42 Caller Yeah.

1:22:42 Adam You're 16.

1:22:44 Caller Yeah.

1:22:44 Adam What's up?

1:22:45 Caller Adam, I have the utmost respect for you and same to you, Dr. Drew.

1:22:47 Drew Thank you, Stephen.

1:22:49 Caller I've had problem orgasming. I've never orgasmed.

1:22:55 Caller When I was 12, I actually walked in on my parents. Right.

1:22:59 Caller My mom performing oral effects on my dad.

1:23:01 Drew When you were 12? When you were 12?

1:23:06 Caller Yeah.

1:23:06 Drew Nothing before that?

1:23:07 Caller Huh?

1:23:08 Drew Nothing before that?

1:23:09 Caller No.

1:23:09 Adam You just walked in on them? Where were they?

1:23:11 Caller Yeah, I was actually, we had a two-story house.

1:23:14 Caller I was upstairs, supposed to be sleeping, and I went downstairs to ask them something, and they were in the living room. All right.

1:23:22 Drew How did they deal with it?

1:23:24 Caller They actually hadn't said anything to me, and we haven't said anything about it.

1:23:27 Drew Well, did they know that you saw them?

1:23:29 Caller Yeah. My dad was kind of facing me.

1:23:33 Drew They didn't talk to you about it or say anything?

1:23:35 Caller No.

1:23:35 Drew Oh, it's a shame.

1:23:36 Adam Well, what do you want?

1:23:37 Drew No, but that's an opportunity to prevent this kind of thing from happening where it's so anxiety-provoking and how they charge for him.

1:23:44 Adam Nice. 12, please. Can you get over that?

1:23:47 Drew No, you can. That's right. But the parents really are instrumental in helping a kid get over that.

1:23:50 Adam Yeah. But don't you think the talk is weirder?

1:23:53 Drew It could be. It depends on how the parents handle it.

1:23:55 Adam I mean, like if I was 12 and my dad came up to me and said, you know, mommy loves daddy very much and daddy loves mommy very much. And what you saw was an expression of how much daddy loves. I'd be like halfway to be like, oh, yeah, it's cool, dad, whatever. Just concentrate on the road. You just drop me off here. I'll make it to school. Son, we're still four miles. That's all right. I'll walk in. You know what I mean? I mean, would you really want to sit on it? Oh, your dad?

1:24:25 Drew But it depends.

1:24:26 Adam It cost me a nickel back in 1932 to get oral sex. Your mother wants 55 cents. All right. Stephen?

1:24:36 Caller Yeah.

1:24:37 Adam That shouldn't be the reason you're having whatever troubles you're having.

1:24:41 Drew Okay.

1:24:42 Adam You know what I'm saying?

1:24:43 Drew What is the trouble you're having, exactly?

1:24:45 Caller Whenever I masturbate or I've actually had my ex-girlfriend perform oral sex on me, I can't reach a climax whatsoever.

1:24:52 Drew So no matter what, you don't orgasm. Do you orgasm nocturnally at night?

1:24:56 Caller No.

1:24:57 Adam And never done it masturbating?

1:25:00 Caller Never.

1:25:00 Drew Do you have erections in the morning when you wake up?

1:25:03 Caller Yeah.

1:25:04 Drew But you never have an emission? And have never had?

1:25:08 Caller Never. On very rare occasions, I can work up just maybe a droplet of pre-comp. That's it.

1:25:15 Drew Well, maybe. How's your sort of puberty, your normal hair growth, that sort of thing?

1:25:19 Caller That's going good. It's fine.

1:25:21 Drew Everything's normal and proper for your age?

1:25:25 Adam Interesting.

1:25:25 Drew It seems to me this probably ought to be evaluated medically.

1:25:28 Adam Yeah, I wouldn't...

1:25:30 Drew I would not blame this all on the little mishap.

1:25:33 Adam No.

1:25:33 Drew No.

1:25:34 Adam No. Everyone's seen something and that doesn't get in the way.

1:25:37 Drew Nocturnal emissions and the whole bit's all shut down and this makes sense.

1:25:40 Adam Yeah, you'd think by 16 if he hadn't been able to coax it out himself, God would have given him a reach around in his sleep. That's how I prefer to think of nocturnal emissions. The Almighty coming down and giving you a nice reach around.

1:25:56 Drew Does it have to be from behind?

1:25:59 Adam God works in mysterious ways, Drew.

1:26:01 Drew I see. You can't be seen, of course.

1:26:03 Adam That's right.

1:26:04 Caller All right.

1:26:05 Adam We're going to take ourselves a little break. When we come back, I'll explain the rest of the Bible after this. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have a huge event, and I'm going to say all will call and security free, and I'm going to have them all show up, and I'm going to burn them. I'm going to dump boiling molten lead from the top of the stadium, and all of them, just kill them. Katrina?

1:27:16 Caller Yes?

1:27:16 Adam You're 18?

1:27:18 Caller Yes.

1:27:18 Adam You want to give your boyfriend a romantic birthday present?

1:27:22 Caller Yeah.

1:27:22 Adam But he's shy?

1:27:24 Caller Kind of.

1:27:26 Caller And I don't really want to ask him what his ideal night would be because I want to surprise him.

1:27:33 Adam How about letting him bang your sister? That's really the ideal. That is the ideal. Well, even better.

1:27:40 Drew Are you sexually active with him?

1:27:43 Caller I'm sorry? With my boyfriend?

1:27:44 Drew Yeah.

1:27:45 Caller Yes. We've been for almost a year.

1:27:49 Adam So he's over that. Does he like the oral sex?

1:27:53 Caller Yeah.

1:27:53 Caller He really likes that a lot. I know he likes that, but...

1:27:57 Adam We're getting warm.

1:27:59 Caller I just, I didn't know.

1:28:01 Caller I want him to remember this forever, you know.

1:28:04 Caller I want to do something more than that.

1:28:06 Adam Well, I'll guarantee he'll remember it to his next, to his next one. I mean, that's, that's, that's not a bad place to start, is it? All right. So listen, you want to do all that, you know, there's all that, like, leave, uh, trail of rose petals to the bedroom and all that other nonsense.

1:28:22 Drew Guys aren't interested in that.

1:28:24 Adam And let me say something, guys, and let me say something, girls. Guys aren't interested in romantic. Girls are. And your job as a guy is to figure out what chicks want and give it to them for their birthday. And, and we don't say enough of this, and society doesn't say enough of this, because chicks do the romantic thing right back to guys, and guys could care less. Your job once a year is to figure out what guys actually want, not just say, uh, agree with you that they want.

1:28:52 Drew Or do what you would want. Or give them what you would want.

1:28:54 Adam Now, give them what they would want.

1:28:56 Drew Yeah, both sexes need not do what they would want.

1:28:58 Adam Here's what he wants. Here's what he wants. He wants his favorite food. He wants his favorite dessert. He wants his favorite alcohol and or drug. Does he smoke weed or does he drink Heineken or whatever the hell he wants? He wants his Corona. He wants his chicken enchiladas or whatever the hell he wants. He wants his dessert. And then he wants some oral sex. And he wants a good video rental that's of a kind of movie that he wants to see. Where stuff blows up. Alright?

1:29:33 Drew What about that?

1:29:34 Adam Oh, and a porn.

1:29:35 Drew What can she do different as far as the...

1:29:36 Adam And a porn movie.

1:29:37 Drew What can she do different as far as the oral sex?

1:29:39 Adam Nothing. Just don't screw it up.

1:29:41 Drew Well, but don't you think of him not having to ask for it or something along those lines?

1:29:45 Adam No, well, that's it. That's it. That's a given. She's gonna do that.

1:29:50 Drew Actually, here it is. Seem excited to do it and like you enjoy it.

1:29:54 Adam Right. Pretend like you enjoy it. And that you're not worried about your hair. Listen, ladies, you take a guy, you make him his favorite meal, his favorite dessert, get him his favorite, you know, beer, booze or whatever he likes to drink and rent him a movie that you would never let him rent while you guys were together. Sit there and watch with him and then give him a little oral sex. Amen. That's it. Think about it, Drew. Think about that for a night. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

1:30:28 Drew I think one of the things you're pointing out without saying, though, is being of service to him without him having to do anything, you know what I mean? Just let him do nothing.

1:30:39 Adam Right, right.

1:30:40 Drew And the things that he likes just happen.

1:30:42 Adam And do not thrust your and societal notions of romance on him.

1:30:47 Drew No, it's a female notion.

1:30:48 Adam With the candles, the rose petals and the negligee. Just stick with the oral sex and the grub. Ashley, you're 15.

1:30:57 Caller Uh-huh.

1:30:58 Caller Last Monday, I was diagnosed. I have this funny virus and it attacked my appendix. And I lost 12 pounds since last Monday. I was 420 to 108 pounds.

1:31:08 Drew Is it called mesenteric lymphadenitis? Does that sound familiar?

1:31:11 Caller They don't know what I have.

1:31:13 Drew But is the term for what they think you have called mesenteric lymphadenitis?

1:31:17 Caller I know they just said that my white blood cell count indicated that I had a virus. And the CT scan indicated that it attacked my appendix and my mom didn't want me to put me in the hospital. And like how is the best way I can gain the way back?

1:31:35 Drew Why didn't she want to put you in the hospital?

1:31:38 Caller I have this, because they would put an IV in me and every time they put IVs in me I go into shock.

1:31:45 Drew What do you mean you go into shock?

1:31:46 Caller I'm like last time I was in the hospital, I had ankle surgery, they put the IV in me and laying on the ground with my feet elevated above my heart, I went cold and clammy, my eyes rolled back into my head, my lips went blue, I started shaking, getting sweaty.

1:32:05 Drew So you have this pronounced reaction to things being inside your blood system.

1:32:09 Caller Yeah, and plus the whole, there's germs in the hospital, she went in to try and get me hydrated at home.

1:32:15 Drew Well, that's why you're losing all that weight, is because you've been vomiting or something?

1:32:19 Caller Yeah.

1:32:19 Drew Yeah, that's all fluid, that's not fat, that's fluid. You've got to be hydrated.

1:32:24 Adam Well, because you can't lose 12 pounds of fat in a week. And all right, so what, just drink a bunch of Gatorade?

1:32:31 Drew Yeah, Gatorade is probably the best fluid, and if, yeah, my concern is that it sounds like she has appendicitis, in fact, and I know what she's saying about virus attacks, there's no such thing as a virus attacking the appendix, there's things causing, attacking the lymph nodes in the region of the appendix, and you know, that's maybe what they're talking about.

1:32:47 Adam All right, so drink a bunch of Gatorade, and if something goes wrong, go back to the hospital, just tell me you don't want the IV.

1:32:53 Drew Well, no, she's gonna need the IV, possibly, and they just have to prepare for the low blood pressure.

1:32:57 Adam Do you have to get the IV when you go into the hospital?

1:32:59 Drew Well, if she's voluntarily depleted like this, that's what she would go for, yeah.

1:33:03 Adam Meaning, because every time she drinks something, she brings it back up.

1:33:06 Drew Right. Or can't keep enough down.

1:33:08 Adam I'm going to deplete a little volume when I get home tonight, if you know what I'm saying.

1:33:12 Drew Why should tonight be any different than the other night? Are you catching up for something?

1:33:19 Adam Well, I was so traumatized by last night's yard dumpage and having to actually take a ladder and break in the upper floor of my house, my ass up to the window. And ironically enough, I broke in the bathroom and slid on the toilet, threw the window onto the toilet. The thing about windows when you break into a house, it's not like a window and then a cot mattress underneath it. It's a window and a toilet underneath it. Or a sink. Or a sink. You're on top of some bathroom apparatus. Toilets were not... You know the thing about toilets, too? Let me tell you something about walking on toilets. I don't care. Screw it. No one's listening now. Toilets... Let me explain how toilets work. They're not good for walking on because they give you a false sense of security and there's no... Boom! You're gone. Meaning, like, if you stand on a toilet seat, you'll be sturdy as a rock at your brawl turn and then all of a sudden, the thing will slide off the thing and you'll go ass over coffee table, right? Right? No, it's some tile. But there's no creaking or anything. It's not like, uh-oh, the seat's about to give way. I better take... And the lid of the toilet seat? Same thing. You can put some pressure or something on that and it'll be sturdy as a rock. Then it'll slide right off. I mean, there's no creaking. There's no giving. There's no nothing. Stuff just snaps and breaks and pow! Your head's on the tile.

1:34:44 Drew Take number three real quick.

1:34:45 Adam All right, real quick.

1:34:46 Drew Serena.

1:34:47 Caller Yes.

1:34:47 Drew 19.

1:34:48 Caller Hi. What's up?

1:34:50 Adam You put a tampon in and now you can't find it.

1:34:52 Caller No. What? I woke up this morning and I'm on my period, so I put a tampon on and around four o'clock when I went to the bathroom, I didn't have it anymore.

1:35:06 Adam All right.

1:35:07 Caller Do you want to recreate that one?

1:35:09 Adam No. Yes, I do. I do because the e-guitar just struck again. You put a tampon in and now you can't find it. No, no, no, no. I'm on my period. Stay with me. Here's what happened. 8:46 AM Sunday morning, 9th of January, 2000. I put a tampon in. Later on that day, I go to the bathroom. About four in the afternoon, I can't find it. It's missing.

1:35:40 Drew Listen, it happens all the time. You should see your doctor. You need to see the doctor because it can put you at risk for toxic shock syndrome. What they do is kind of slide up into the forenecks behind the cervix and they're very hard to get. You have to actually visualize it to pull them out.

1:35:52 Adam So how long do you have to get it out before you see the doctor?

1:35:55 Drew You got 24 hours and even then.

1:35:56 Adam 24 hours and then see the doctor.

1:35:58 Drew You got to get it out.

1:35:59 Adam All right. We'll be back.

1:36:00 Drew We're about to get funky, yo.

1:36:02 Caller Did it. This is Loveline.

1:36:04 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:36:06 Caller Oh, we'll be right back.

1:36:09 Caller This is Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz.

1:36:23 Adam Well, now.

1:36:23 Caller This has been Loveline. The stuff expressed on Loveline is not necessarily the stuff of the staff, management, sponsors, or anyone else, including Westwood One Entertainment. Loveline is produced by Ann Wilkins and Gold. Now, please enjoy these birds.

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Sunday, January 9, 2000