Episode 1000754887238

0:53 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:56 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Losing her discretion.

1:00 Voiceover Now, here's Loveline. 1-800-LOVE-191 with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla.

1:06 What?

1:07 Voiceover Are you insane?

1:08 Adam There it is, Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-F-E-E-1-9-1. Fax number 310-8-5-4-44-55. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician. And addiction medicine specialist. I think we can hear you in there.

1:25 Drew Anas, can we hear every word you say? There we go.

1:30 Adam He's off the methadone. All right. What the hell is going on here? Yes, the Loveline program. No guess tonight. Just the love that is found between the two hosts. I should say the host and the sidekick, Dr. Drew. I was driving in tonight. And, you know, Culver City is where the studio is. And as I've explained before, Culver is a Spanish word meaning arrow.

1:58 Drew Arrow. Left arrow.

2:00 Adam Left arrow. Yes. It's when it was settled.

2:04 Drew Green left arrow, I believe.

2:07 Adam By, by Hispanic folks are in the 17 or 1800s.

2:12 Drew Indian term.

2:13 Adam Oh, arrow. Oh, Culver is a Indian term.

2:17 Drew It was way back.

2:18 Adam Yes. It's a Navajo term meaning you sit in your goddamn car and rot and don't go, even though you can't see headlights in the distance, you sit in rot and wait to be car jacked because you cannot turn and I've been noticing the arrow and I don't want anyone to call and respond to this but just think about it for a second. I've been seeing more arrows popping up in more places around this godforsaken city, not just Culver City, although Culver City was definitely a pioneer and you sit on your ass and wait till we tell you it's okay to turn.

3:00 Drew It was very popular.

3:02 Adam But I've been seeing them pop up around the city and it's the red arrow that I object to. The green arrow is a good idea. The reason you have the arrow that turns green for the left turn is because on Ventura Boulevard where it hits Laurel Canyon about 530 on a Tuesday, the traffic to turn left is so great that at two cars at a time, which is about all you can do when it's traffic-y, it would take you a half hour if there were 20 cars in front of you to make a left turn. That's what the green arrow is for. The red arrow is so they can write tickets. The red arrow is nothing. Because when the signal is green and there's no cars coming the other direction and it's red, you should not be sitting on your ass. It is recalculus. I frequently ignore it in turn anyway. And if I get a ticket, I'm going to go in. I will guarantee fight it. And I will ask what the law is. Not the letter of the law, but the spirit of the law. Why is that arrow there? Why is it red? If it's for my own safety, then surely if I turn when there's no other cars in sight, it is not breaking any law. I swear to God I'm ready to sue Culver City for all these left-hand arrows and all the revenue they generate from it.

4:31 Drew Your buddies in Culver PD, you should probably be listening. They'll probably stop by and explain to you.

4:35 Adam Oh, please. It's another fundraising campaign. Let me explain how cops used to raise money back in the day.

4:45 Drew They just kick the crap out of people until they...

4:47 Adam Well, there was skimming, sure, which I'm fine with. Listen, you roll some pimp and take a couple of bills from him. That's going to your kid's new jungle gym. Fine. Fine. Take it. You stop some guy and open the trunk and there's a kilo of heroin in the back, that's yours. That's what you get for getting shot at and getting $37,000 a year. Take it. Whatever's on anybody you stop, take it. I don't care, gold cigarette lighter, Rolex, whatever you can roll off of somebody, fine. No, cops used to have something called a policeman's ball. Remember that? That's how they would make money. Now, they install arrows. That's how they make money.

5:32 Drew And they create an army of meter maids.

5:34 Adam Oh.

5:34 Drew Walk into your neighborhoods.

5:36 Adam Oh, for Christ's sake. Oh, I saw one driving up my hill the other day, yelled, get out of here, a-holes. Stay down the hill, please. So disgusting. It just drives me nuts when you have no other choice but to drive in this city. And the powers that be have caught on to that very quickly and just squeeze you like a bar rag. Parking tickets, whatever, registration, whatever, arrows, they're all over it. All over it.

6:08 Drew By the way, I had a nice time at Politically Incorrect tonight, and I want to thank them, and that'll be on tonight. And they were very kind words to say about you.

6:15 Adam Oh, they did? Well.

6:17 Drew Yeah. I haven't heard directly from you, frankly, about how well you do on that show.

6:22 Adam I'm a genius. Do you hear me?

6:23 Drew Yes, yes.

6:24 Adam Okay.

6:24 Drew Okay.

6:25 Adam Well, good. They like me there. I'm glad about that.

6:27 Drew They seem to like us both, so that's very nice.

6:28 Adam Oh, yes. I know they like you because they tell me when they're telling me how much they like me.

6:33 Drew Yeah. Of course, you never bring that message back, but okay, that's fine. Right.

6:36 Adam Nicole?

6:37 Yeah.

6:38 Adam I don't want you to get a swelled head.

6:40 Drew Yeah, I've noticed that.

6:41 Adam Nicole, you're 18.

6:43 Caller Yeah, how are you?

6:43 Adam Good.

6:44 Happy New Year.

6:45 Thank you.

6:47 Caller You know, you probably know what my question is about, right? It was about oral herpes.

6:52 Right.

6:53 Caller Cold sores or whatever you would want to call it. I've been having this ever since I was very, very, very young, and now it is causing me problems in my love life.

7:03 Why?

7:04 Adam Why?

7:06 Caller Why?

7:06 Drew Why?

7:06 Adam What do you mean why? She has a big cold sore on her lip.

7:09 Drew Do you ever had a cold sore?

7:11 Adam Have I?

7:11 Drew Yeah.

7:11 Adam Sure.

7:13 Drew Are you hearing an awful echo right now?

7:14 Adam Yes.

7:15 Drew All right. Is that going away?

7:18 Adam Yeah, I have. But if I had a big cold sore and I was dating someone it would make me uncomfortable.

7:23 Drew So you have cold sores, I have cold sores. Has it been a major issue in your social life?

7:27 Adam No.

7:27 Drew Okay. So Nicole, why is it a big issue for you?

7:30 Caller It is a big issue to me because a lot of people talk about it in ways that they go ill. Okay.

7:38 Drew Let me just say this is why I'm delighted. This is why I developed a website. We've got a huge story in drdrew.com about herpes and about oral herpes and genital herpes in the HealthWise section at my office. So look up BookMarket, check up the HealthWise section and there's a whole lengthy discussion about the virus and how it's treated and what you have to worry about or not worry about. Basically, oral herpes most people have.

8:04 Caller Okay?

8:04 Drew Most people have it.

8:05 Caller It doesn't seem that way because you don't, I don't see people out with it, you know what I mean?

8:10 Drew Do they see you with it?

8:11 Adam Well, some people have, obviously they do. Some people have it more than others or get it more frequently than others. So what can she do?

8:18 Caller I get it very frequently. Actually, I get it like 10 or 12 times a year.

8:21 Adam Okay, so what can she do?

8:23 Drew There are medications and creams.

8:25 Adam You think she should be on one of those suppressive?

8:27 Drew No, I think she should, when she gets an outbreak, be on one of these medications.

8:30 Adam What about if she's getting it quite often?

8:33 Caller I know what I can do with medications. I'm cool on that. What I'm talking about is relationship-wise. Nobody knows that I have it because I'm assuming that everybody else does what I do. I hide out in my house when I get one. Okay, that's probably what everybody else does. You know, that's why I feel so alone.

8:48 Adam Have your boyfriend put his penis through the mail slot?

8:51 Caller No.

8:52 Drew I suggest you get on a chat room and find out how many other people have this thing and see what other people do about it and start to get a more realistic assessment of what this common condition is.

9:00 Adam I don't know what she wants us to do. She's aware of all the medication she hides out at her house. I don't know. Nicole, what are you looking for from us?

9:09 Caller It's not sexy, is it?

9:10 Adam What do you want from us?

9:12 Caller I want to know, relationship-wise, how I can handle this. Instead of hiding out in my house all the time and pretend like nothing is going on.

9:19 Adam Okay, do you have a steady boyfriend?

9:21 Caller No.

9:21 Adam All right, well get into a steady relationship and then you can talk openly about things.

9:25 Drew He won't care. And then take some Zofrax or Valtrex or something when you get out.

9:30 Adam I saw one of those Valtrex commercials today. Yeah. The chick was kickboxing. Kickboxing. That's why I say, listen, whenever you see a chick kickboxing, it's either herpes or some douche or something's going on with her sexuality. I don't know what the hell is going on, but there's something very liberating about being on your period or having herpes, something that makes you want to go out and kickbox. It's always the same gym. It's never a gym I've ever seen. It's really not a gym, it's a blimp hanger with a ring in the middle that has a spotlight raining down on it, and there's some guy who's training her, but there doesn't seem to be anybody else in the gym, just her. She has her own dojo, and she's kicking the crap out of some guys holding the focus gloves, and they'll do a little slow motion action, then they'll do a little fast stuff, then they have her running, but again, it's this big industrial, it looks like, it'd be like a factory that produced airplane parts for World War II that was completely empty, except for the ring in the middle of it and the spotlight. It always bothers me in commercials when people do stuff in totally unrealistic situations, like when they go down to the Pons Institute for hand cream or something, but lucite doors and guys walking around with clipboards. I think, is that really what the Pons Institute looks like, or is it just some corrugated trailer out in Louisville, Kentucky, meanwhile the stuff's being manufactured in Korea?

11:09 Drew Yes.

11:10 Adam Do you think there's the lucite doors that open like the Star Trek doors, a bunch of models walking around with their hairs and buns and glasses, looking at clipboards and comparing data? Who comes up with this nonsense? Listen, you want to do a commercial for chicks who have genital herpes, show them home crying, not out kickboxing. I'm scared. If I met a chick with genital herpes, it wouldn't be the herpes I'd be scared of. I'm scared she's kicked my ass. She'd throw like a crescent kick and break my nose. And she's jogging around the track and she's kickboxing more and she's jogging some more and then the dude shows up. Because there has to be a man in her life. This ain't slowing her down sexually. You see, she has genital herpes. She's a fifth degree black belt in Taekwondo and she's banging some guy who's CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

12:04 Drew That's every herpes patient.

12:05 Adam Every single person you know who has genital herpes is a fifth degree black belt.

12:10 Drew Yeah, every single one.

12:11 Adam That's right. And fights competitively or is it just a way to stay in shape? Both.

12:18 Drew She used to be a competitive fighter, but now she just uses it to stay in shape.

12:21 Adam Excellent.

12:22 Drew And she plays by her own rule.

12:23 Adam And everyone you know who has some sort of allergy problem, snowboards in fields of wheat, right?

12:30 Drew Cream of wheat.

12:32 Adam I love every one of these medication commercials. I say, sign me up. I see that Clared in commercial with the guy with the windsurf board going through the hayfield. I say, sign me up. I see the Valtrex one with the chick kickboxing in her own blimp hanger slash dojo. And I say, give me some of that. I got to get some of that because I'm in my underpants and I'm watching TV right now. And I don't even have any of these things. I'm not out kickboxing or snowboarding. Drew, you got to get me both those things so I can start living life again. Lily?

13:06 Yeah.

13:07 Adam You're 18.

13:08 Caller Yeah, I'm 18.

13:09 Adam What's up?

13:10 Caller Okay, I have this problem. I've tried to have sex twice before and each time that I've tried, it really hurt. It's really, really painful. I don't know if there's something wrong with me because it feels like it burns and it stabs at the same time and I get weak all over and I start shaking.

13:30 Drew Is there anything about your sexuality that we should know?

13:33 Caller No.

13:33 Drew No history or anything.

13:34 Caller I'm straight, so.

13:35 Drew You're straight?

13:36 Caller Yeah, I'm straight. I'm heterosexual.

13:38 Drew That's not what I was getting at. I wasn't doing any trauma in your past or anything?

13:42 Caller Say again?

13:43 Drew Any trauma?

13:44 Caller Trauma? No, uh-uh.

13:46 Adam Anyone ever try to do anything to you that you didn't want them to do?

13:50 Caller No, uh-uh.

13:51 Drew Are you nervous about having sex?

13:53 Caller Um, yeah, actually, yeah. Sometimes, like, I want to start having sex, but I was raised with a lot of kind of, like, morals and tradition and all that, and I'm really confused about that. My parents were, like, kind of stuck on, you know, stay a virgin, whatever. But, I mean, I want to, but I guess it's hard for me.

14:11 Drew Well, I suspect it's something called vet. It may be the hymen having difficulty getting ruptured. Sometimes that can be very uncomfortable for people.

14:18 Adam You think you have one of them?

14:21 Caller Yeah, I think so, yeah.

14:22 Adam Well, that could be part of it.

14:24 Drew Yeah. The other is something called vaginismus, which is a contraction of the floor of the pelvic musculature. Vaginismus? Yeah, a spasm of the pelvic muscles.

14:33 Adam It tense up.

14:34 Drew Yeah. I think it's very, very painful to attempt penetration.

14:37 Caller Yeah, because it is. You know, I mean, I've spoken to my friends about this, and, I mean, none of them have had the experience that I have, you know.

14:44 Adam Right. Well, they're all sluts.

14:47 Caller No, they're not sluts. No, nothing like that. But it's just that, I don't know, I just think it's kind of, I mean, it's been twice. And the second time, I mean, this guy was, you know, experienced more experience than I was, of course. And he seemed to know what he was doing, and he couldn't. And he was telling me that I was too tight, and I was like, oh, hey.

15:07 Drew Well, that's vaginismus. That's a spasm of the muscles in the floor of the pelvis.

15:11 Adam And maybe dry, right?

15:13 Drew Yeah. So you really need to get in a relationship with somebody you're very, very comfortable with and work on this slowly. There are, again, my website, we do talk about this particular issue, and there's a set of exercise. Actually, we haven't posted this question here, but there are actually some exercises that have been advocated to help people deal with this problem.

15:28 Adam Oh, really?

15:29 Drew Yeah.

15:29 Adam Drew is currently training his daughter with the opposite exercise.

15:33 Drew The clamp down.

15:34 Adam She can, she can snap a chopstick at this point.

15:39 Drew Brazil nuts.

15:41 Adam But he's not letting her out of the house until she can crack Brazil nuts. Yeah, which is one of the toughest. I mean, it takes that.

15:47 Drew Oh no, we're well along.

15:48 Adam Seven or 800 pounds of pressure per square inch in order to crack Brazil nut. You're saying Paulina can do that already?

15:59 Drew She's actually growing a beak.

16:00 Adam Wow. She's like an octopus, right?

16:08 Drew Absolutely.

16:09 Adam Oh, that would be good. That would be excellent. Now, currently, her vocabulary is limited down there to stay away in daddy. But eventually, hope to enlarge that to, I'm going to call the cops.

16:23 Drew Daddy will kill.

16:24 Adam Daddy will kill. Oh, man. Yeah, that'd be great. Oh, and then you could breed her with other people. They have that the beak where the vagina was. Oh, wouldn't that be great, Drew? Oh, that would just be excellent for you.

16:41 Drew What are you imagining?

16:43 Adam Katie?

16:44 Caller Yes.

16:44 Adam You're 19.

16:45 Caller Yes.

16:46 Adam Yeah. What's up?

16:48 Caller My question is for Dr. Drew.

16:51 Drew I'm here.

16:51 Caller I was wondering if a guy came on to a girl's mouth and then he kissed her.

16:56 Drew Slow down. What's that?

16:57 Caller If a guy on a girl's mouth and then he kissed her and then he went down on her. If there's a chance of her getting pregnant?

17:07 Drew I guess so. That's not a scenario.

17:11 Adam Does he have a beard or mustache?

17:14 Caller No.

17:14 Adam No.

17:15 Drew That would have qualified as an immaculate conception of people standing around trying to figure out how it happened.

17:19 Adam I don't trust a guy who goes down on a girl after he has an orgasm. What's wrong with this guy?

17:25 Drew That's actually why God created him.

17:26 Adam What's wrong with his self-esteem? Yeah.

17:28 Drew That's why I was set up that way.

17:29 Adam It really was. He goes down there when he's done, huh? Wow. That's love or low self-esteem. But can't you gargle or something before you make out?

17:48 Caller Well, it was just like in the moment.

17:53 Adam Do you swallow it or is it just floating around in there like a jaw breaker?

17:57 Caller It wasn't really in.

17:59 Drew Well, look.

18:00 Adam It was on?

18:01 Drew If you're the least bit concerned about a potential unprotected encounter, that's the time to use emergency contraception.

18:09 Adam This is not going to get anyone pregnant, although.

18:11 Drew But why not? You have a question? Use emergency contraception.

18:13 Adam Well, I mean.

18:14 Drew Suppress the ovulation, no egg available, there will be no pregnancy.

18:18 Adam Yeah. I guess if you make out with somebody after. Yeah.

18:26 Drew That's why I know you don't kiss. You don't believe in that.

18:28 Adam No. Not before, during or after. No way. No. It's yucky. If I watch a porno movie and they start making out, I get grossed out and have to fast forward.

18:39 Drew Do not kiss me. You actually get grossed out?

18:43 Adam Yeah, I do. I get a little bit uncomfortable. Yeah. I don't like it. Thank God they keep that to a minimum. You know what I'm saying? There's got to be like four hours of porking for every 10 minutes of kissing in a porn. You know what I mean? If you just sort of worked out the ratio. Yeah. Whereas in real life, it's quite a bit different. That's why they film it. Casey?

19:11 Caller Kathy?

19:12 Adam Kathy?

19:13 Caller Yeah. This question is for Dr. Drew. I have stretch marks all over my body and I'm only 12, and I'm wondering what that could be caused by.

19:22 Drew Where are they?

19:24 Caller They're like on my breasts and they're on my thighs. They're kind of on my stomach a little bit, but they're just mainly like on my thighs and around my breast.

19:32 Drew Have you gained a bunch of weight all of a sudden?

19:36 Caller Yeah. I gained like 30 pounds within like a year or so.

19:42 Drew How tall are you?

19:43 Caller I'm 5'7.

19:45 Oh.

19:45 Caller Yeah.

19:46 I'm tall.

19:46 Adam How much you weigh?

19:48 Caller I don't know at the moment. I don't really want to know, but I'm thinking maybe like 150 or something.

19:54 Drew Why don't you want to know?

19:56 Caller I don't know because I don't want to know how much I weigh right now. Because I know I gained a lot of weight.

20:02 Drew So it may be time to sort of watch your appetite and that kind of thing, right? Learn how to manage your diet more properly?

20:09 Caller Okay. And I have another question.

20:12 Adam Anyway, there's no real way to get rid of those stretch marks.

20:15 Caller Yeah, I know that.

20:16 Adam Hey, people don't mind them. I don't mind a stretch mark.

20:19 Caller Yeah.

20:20 Drew If they're purple and they occur sort of on your belly, like around your belly button, that is sometimes a sign of something called Cushing's. Cushing's syndrome, a Cushing's disease. And it wouldn't be a bad idea to see a doctor if your weight seems to be going up for no apparent reason. And those stretch marks get worse. It's a rare condition, but it can occur sometimes.

20:41 Caller Okay. And I think I've heard people ask this question before, but I have the little bumps around my nipples. And what is that from?

20:49 Drew Behind the nipple or the?

20:50 Caller No, it's like around the nipple.

20:52 Drew Those are just pores.

20:53 Caller It's like on the nipple really actually.

20:55 Drew Those are normal. Those are just expanded pores basically. You don't have any medications, are you?

20:59 No.

21:00 Adam Yeah, it seems like girls with bigger areolas get those. Studied that in the porn world too. Is that true?

21:10 Drew I don't know.

21:11 Adam Well, you know what I'm talking about, Drew?

21:14 Drew Yeah, she doesn't understand what you're asking her.

21:15 Adam Okay, you know there's like the nipple part of your nipple?

21:19 Yeah, yeah.

21:19 Adam And then there's like the round part around it? Yeah. Usually if that round part is bigger around, that's where you get those bumps.

21:27 Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

21:28 Adam Do you got that?

21:29 Yeah.

21:30 Adam Yeah, I don't know. What is that, Drew? How come that's the way that works?

21:35 Drew Because the density of the pore spreads out and the pore seems more prominent. It's sort of spreading apart. I see.

21:44 Adam I like that. A lot of guys aren't into that. I'm into that.

21:47 Drew Yeah, but you haven't studied that so carefully. I'm really shocked that you didn't know that.

21:50 Adam Anderson, you're not into that? Yeah, see, a lot of guys aren't into that big areola. I like that. There's nothing wrong with that because that means big breast. You see? That's why I like it.

22:00 Drew Anything that translates in the big breast is good for you. Nice rack.

22:03 Adam Yeah. It's funny. I don't mind stretch marks either because that means big breast too.

22:08 Drew Right.

22:08 Adam So after a while, you don't even necessarily identify whatever. I mean, you don't isolate whatever it is. I'm sure bumps in general wouldn't be exciting for me or just the large areola alone wouldn't be exciting or the stretch marks alone wouldn't be exciting. But I start putting those together.

22:26 Drew It's the meaning behind it.

22:27 Adam Yeah. It's like you smell something good coming from the kitchen. I mean, you're not exactly eating it, but you can smell it, you know? You know what's coming, right? I'm like an Indian tracking a bear with the big brass, you know?

22:43 Drew Yeah. I noticed that.

22:44 Adam Put my head to the ground. Listen. See if a train's coming. All right.

22:52 Drew Communicate with the natives.

22:53 Adam That's right.

22:54 Drew You and Larry Flint seem to communicate on a level I've never quite seen before.

22:58 Adam You know how I start when I speak Indian? You know, I start every conversation with a neighboring tribe. How are you? There was one American Indian standup in the history of standups. And that was his big joke. He started every show with, Hi. How are you? Hi. How are you? And the beauty is, is the guy's an American Indian. He's a standup. I wonder if that's going to get woven into his act. Geez. Let's see how long it takes him to get to that. And that's, by the way, why I don't like any comedians that work in whatever they are. It just, to me, it's just a crutch. Fat guys, black guys, Mexican guys, oriental women, whatever it is. I don't like it when it's the thrust of their act. Even if they're funny, I go, I don't care. It's a crutch. Retarded guy, deaf girl.

23:55 Drew You've got to stop talking about construction, big breasts, all those things where you're at. You've got to stop masturbation, napping, porno.

24:02 Adam I can talk about that till I'm blue in the face.

24:05 Drew That's where you're at.

24:07 Adam It's not about where you're at, not where you're coming from. It's what you are. I would love to see a big, fat stand-up comedian not talk about being big and fat. That's what I would love. I'd love an Asian female comedian to get up there and tell jokes and not talk about what it was like being Asian. You know what I'm talking about?

24:30 Drew Yeah.

24:31 Adam All right. Thank you very much.

24:33 Drew I do.

24:33 Adam I agree with you. They don't exist. We'll take ourselves a little break, except for Margaret Cho. She rarely ever brings up her ethnicity. Oh, wait a minute. That's entirely right. I forgot. You're right. But what about that Toshi Kibuku or whatever that other one?

24:48 Drew She doesn't make no reference.

24:49 Adam Oh, she was excellent. In Japan, we have Playboy 2, except for Centerfold is Toyota Truck. Yeah, that's real funny. I'm going to steal some of her material and do it.

25:06 Okay.

25:07 Adam All right. I'm done making fun of everybody. We're going to take a little break. And when we come back, we're going to speak to, who are we going to speak to? Alan. Girlfriend loves to give moral sex, but won't finish him off because of taste. Let's know how to taste better. Make another 40 grand a year. That's how you taste better, brother. We'll be back. It is the Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew. We're talking about the Yakov Smirnov during-

26:03 Drew And you're brilliant.

26:04 Adam During the break. He's a shining example of someone who is not funny, except for he's got himself a nice Russian crutch going. I was thinking if I cut my foot off or something, I could just do a good 45 minutes of stump humor. That's what I'm going to do when this gig dries up. Alan? Yeah. You're 19. Yeah.

26:31 Caller All right.

26:31 Adam So your girlfriend loves to give you oral sex. She won't finish you off.

26:36 Caller Right.

26:37 Adam Because of the taste.

26:38 Caller Yeah. And because she doesn't like the taste. I was just wondering if there's any way I can make myself taste better.

26:43 Adam Yes.

26:44 Drew How much better can it taste?

26:46 Caller Huh?

26:47 Drew You know what I mean?

26:47 Adam Yeah. How good are you ever going to taste?

26:49 Caller I don't know. She thinks I'm too salty right now.

26:54 Adam I got to bring something up here, Alan. I don't know why there's so much mysticism about sex. But let me give you this. I can eat a liver and onions, and my crap smells like crap. Then I could get an enema and eat an entire boysenberry pie with whipped cream. And you know what the S smells like? S. But why? I ate boysenberries. All there was was boysenberries, whipped cream, and some beautiful flaky crust. No, S. Pick your favorite food. I could eat 10 pounds of cotton candy. My ass would still have to open the window.

27:45 Drew You can't make it worse though.

27:46 Adam I'm not sure if I could get anything out of me after 10 pounds of cotton candy. Yeah, I mean, it can vary, but listen, do you notice? I mean, you eat a bowl of cereal, you eat a steak, you eat a potato, it's all the same crap, right?

27:59 Drew Yeah.

28:00 Adam So, you're gonna start drinking orange juice and completely alter the flavor of your semen?

28:07 Drew No.

28:08 Adam No.

28:08 Drew No.

28:09 Adam All right, Adam.

28:11 Drew All right.

28:11 Adam You, listen.

28:12 Drew The whole thing, it's awful no matter what. Let's face it.

28:15 Adam Yeah, now what does she do? Does she pull away right at the last second?

28:19 Caller No, she'll do it like a little bit before.

28:24 Drew She pulls away at the last second.

28:25 Caller And she'll either check me off at the end usually.

28:29 Adam Okay. Okay. So she pulls away an hour, hour and a half before the semen comes up. I understand. Okay. Our listeners, they'll do anything but agree. Anything but agree.

28:39 Drew Anything to disagree.

28:40 Adam Anything to disagree.

28:41 Drew Whatever it takes, they'll get there.

28:42 Adam Yes. Okay. So she doesn't pull away at the last second. She pulls away before you have your orgasm.

28:48 Drew At the last second.

28:49 Adam At the last second.

28:50 Caller No.

28:51 Adam Like what? Five minutes before?

28:53 Caller Yeah. Or a couple of minutes before.

28:56 Adam Couple of minutes?

28:57 Caller Yeah.

28:59 Adam You understand. Let me do a little something because I don't think people have, they don't gauge things well. Are you ready? I'm giving you oral sex, right?

29:09 Caller Okay.

29:09 Adam All right. Well, come on. Close your eyes, would you? All right. I'm giving you oral sex starting now, right?

29:17 Drew He's talking to Alan.

29:18 Adam Hey, Alan? What's going on in the background?

29:22 Caller Huh?

29:23 Adam Who's screaming back there?

29:24 Caller Oh, that's one of my roommates.

29:26 Adam Okay. Well, tell them to quit it because it breaks my concentration. I can't perform.

29:31 Caller All right.

29:32 Adam Now, here's what I'm saying. Is that a s**t too or is that a roommate?

29:37 Drew Lopso, lopso.

29:38 Adam Okay. I am giving you oral sex right now, okay? Okay. All right. Let's just concentrate. Okay. Now, now it's been 10 seconds. Did she pulls away longer than that?

29:57 Caller No.

29:58 Caller She'll keep going for a little bit. And then, like, just before I get my peak orgasm or whatever, she'll pull away.

30:05 Adam I see. Okay. I understand now. Now, it's abundantly clear.

30:10 Are you stupid or something?

30:12 Adam Okay.

30:12 Oh, boy.

30:14 Adam All right.

30:14 Oh, boy.

30:15 Adam All right.

30:16 All right.

30:17 Adam Okay. All right. Where are we here? Okay. There's nothing you can do about that, by the way. But ladies, that is a huge distraction for men. And let me speak to a phone screener, an interim producer, Lisa, for a second here, because she's a very attractive female and she can shed some light on this situation.

30:36 Drew You're going to give us some truths about this?

30:38 Adam Yes. Here is the deal. Lisa, are you there? I am.

30:42 Caller Okay.

30:43 Adam Women and guys, and this is guys' fault because we get obsessed with this swallowing, this term swallow. Does she swallow? Will you swallow? We do not care if you swallow or not. Just do not interrupt the process. That is the problem. Whether you ingest it or you spit it in the toilet and it ends up in the bay, it doesn't really matter just as long as that moment is not interrupted. And that's the catch 22 of the women pulling away or something coming out of your penis because at the exact millisecond, and I'm not talking about the exact five-minute period, I'm talking about the exact three-second, two-second period after all the work. And believe me, the work started with the shower that night, about 6.30 before we picked you up. All of that time, the showering, the shaving, the doubling down on the talc, the deodorant, is that how it's pronounced, Drew?

31:47 Drew That's often people.

31:48 Adam I have used that before. The date, the surf and the turf, the movie, the handholding, the looking into the eyes, the back of the apartment, the chardonnay, the whole thing, it can be distilled down into that 2.7 seconds at the end of the night, and it's screwed up. Do you know what I mean? It's as if you'd planned for something for seven hours just to make two seconds go all right, and it gets all loused. That is what happens, and this is what frustrates guys so much. This is why women do not have to ingest it, they do not have to swallow it, they merely have to receive it, and then hock it into the sink. Like when you take a swig of bad milk from the refrigerator, you don't spit it right back out into the refrigerator, do you?

32:39 Drew Couldn't they just let it go?

32:40 Adam You take a little chug in your mouth, and you go, oh, that's not good, that's not good, and then you make your way over the garbage can or the sink or the ficus plant.

32:50 Drew Must they retain it in their mouth at all?

32:54 Adam Yeah, they do. They can't just let it go back on you? That's considered bad decorum. Plus, I don't like to must my jammies. I have a fly in my jammies. I don't get naked. I will not get naked in front of a woman. I'm too ugly. I'm fat.

33:12 It really doesn't make that much of a difference.

33:14 Drew What?

33:15 Caller Because I have heard so many guys...

33:16 Adam The swallow part?

33:17 Caller Well, not necessarily a swallowing, but I know so many guys that are just so... I don't know if it's a control factor.

33:22 Drew She's out of here. She's out of here.

33:23 Caller Well, no, I understand. I get that you don't want us to interrupt your moment. Right.

33:28 Adam I'd like you to leave.

33:30 Caller But I know so many guys that, whether it's because it's controlling or a little nasty, that love to just watch it get dirty and girls get all crazy with just semen. It's like the money shot in porn movies that guys just live for.

33:45 All right. Yeah.

33:46 Adam Well, that's when they really start pushing the envelope a little bit.

33:50 Drew Why do they have those money shots in the porn movies?

33:52 Caller The guys love it.

33:53 Drew What?

33:54 Adam Oh, come on, Drew. First off, don't change the subject and don't make me defend the industry and the money shot. If it works, you know what I mean? If it ain't broke, let's not fix it for them.

34:06 Drew It's just a tradition.

34:07 Adam But here's, yeah, you can't argue with tradition. Yeah. Okay. The point is, when you give oral sex, ladies, do not stop when the guy has his orgasm. Let him finish his orgasm. It's all of three seconds. You will retain it in your mouth. I don't blame you for not swallowing it. I wouldn't do it myself. I just go spit it down the sink. Done.

34:30 Drew I guess guys probably appreciate the gesture, the effort.

34:34 Adam The swallow or the... Yes, they do, but they'll get over that.

34:39 Caller If it's already in your mouth, though, you might as well just swallow it because you got the flavor.

34:43 Adam No.

34:43 Caller You might as well just do it.

34:44 Drew Listen, the poor day, the health issues are substantial. I mean, that's where the viral stuff gets transmitted in the esophagus.

34:53 Caller Oh, really? Because I always figured if it was already in your mouth, that you're going to get whatever's going in there anyway.

34:58 Drew No, your mouth is actually a tough environment for the viruses.

35:01 Adam Listen, okay. Well, here's what I'm saying and then we'll move on. Treat it and if it's in your mouth, you might as well swallow it makes as much sense of you biting into a bad deviled egg at a picnic and saying, well, it's already in your mouth, why don't you just swallow it? No, let's use a deviled egg reference. You're at a picnic, the thing's been sitting out in the sun too long, you've had a few too many beers, you pick the thing up, you pop it in your mouth, you chomp down, you realize there's like a bay leaf in it or something, you go, oh, that's no good, and then, but you can't spit it back on the tray, there's people around, you make your way to the garbage can, you lean over, and then you take a shot of beer or something or a wine cooler, and you're back. That's it. That's it, ladies. That's all we ask. We get it. Okay.

35:50 Drew Oh, my God.

35:51 Adam Done. Done. And guys, stop using the word swallow and say, retain or transport.

35:59 Drew Does she transport?

36:04 Adam I got myself a new bitch. Yeah. She cooks. Yeah. She gives me a rub down every night.

36:10 Yeah.

36:11 Adam She lets me rent whatever. Yeah. But does she transport? Oh, yeah. And the bathroom's downstairs. Oh, nice. She's a regular pack mule. She's a semen mule.

36:23 Drew All right. Get out of here. Break. Back to the point.

36:28 Adam All right. So we'll take ourselves a little break and we'll be back.

36:37 We'll be right back with more Love Line.

37:02 Drew That's right.

37:04 Adam I hate people too, Drew. You're absolutely right. It's Loveline, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. I was watching the news tonight, then we're going to power through some calls. And this is what I love about people. Drew was telling me he hates it when people think with affect, meaning they're involved. Right. So therefore, all bets are off or they can rationalize anything. That drives me insane. I saw an interview with a woman on television tonight who had been getting money from the United Nations, putting her bank account for the last couple of years. She was living in some tenement in Brooklyn, in some bad part of New York, and moved out of there and bought a dry cleaning business and blah, blah, blah. And they realized the error, which is this money that was going into her account. She was essentially making $9,000 a year, had a million dollars in her account. She's now going to court to try to get it, basically. And they interview her, and she's looking the guy in the eye, and she's saying, I deserve this money. I mean, they made a mistake, but I wasn't aware they made a mistake. I thought this, and they're saying to her, how is it that you thought there was a million dollars in your account? Where do you think that came from? She thought she won a lottery that was overseas.

38:36 Drew What?

38:37 Adam And they were like, but they never notified you, they just put money into your account, and you didn't pay the lottery, and you cannot produce the slip that says you won the overseas lottery? No, that got lost. But the point is, is I'm going to court, you know, Wednesday, to try to free up that 450 grand that's in my account, that's not mine, because I deserve it. And I thought as I was watching this thing, honey, do you think if it weren't you we were talking about, what do you think, how do you think you would cast your vote on this one? Let's just go ahead and remove yourself from the situation. Let's say you're like me, sitting home watching this. Who are you going to vote for? The person that didn't earn a penny of it, had the money mistakenly put in their account, or the people whose money it actually is. Now, we're in a society now where people look you straight in the eye and say, that's mine, and I'm going to court to fight for it. Those people, by the way, and I'm fine with this, we can just go ahead and deem as flawed, put a bullet in their head, and move on. Like the mom of the North Hollywood bank robbers, the guys who pumped 80,000 rounds into the North Hollywood community. The mom who's suing, I think, like the LAPD because the ambulance response was not fast enough after her son hijacked the car and was just had an AK-47 with a banana clip with about 200 rounds on it, was just emptying it into a squad car after some sniper eventually took him down. The fact that the ambulance did not arrive fast enough and attend to his medical needs fast enough because the area was cordoned off and they thought there's a third guy running around, she's suing. I want a bullet in her head. You understand? It's not enough that they throw it out of court. I want her. I want a bullet in her head. I want a big glossy picture of the LAPD taking the butt of one of their shotguns and putting it through her son's skull and then I want a bullet right in her temple. And I would laugh like a like a madman if they did that. That is fine with me. Why can't we be fine with that? Tyler?

41:01 Yeah.

41:02 Adam You're 15.

41:03 Caller Hey what's going on? You guys have a great show.

41:06 Adam I love you guys. You got a son who puts a who puts a kajillion rounds in the in the community wearing body armor and now you're suing. Can't we kill people like this Tyler?

41:18 Caller Hell yeah.

41:19 Adam Good.

41:19 Caller That's what I'm saying.

41:20 Adam Fine. Infected vermin is what I look at them like.

41:24 Caller You know what? Those those red arrows. I say we blow those things off the lights you know. Shotgun to those one of those things.

41:31 Drew I'm looking to start a new one. All right.

41:34 Adam Yeah.

41:36 Caller Yeah. Rocket launcher. That would be even better you know.

41:38 Adam Yeah. And if you missed, who cares? Yeah. Goes into some library or something.

41:43 Drew Hey Tyler, what's your question?

41:45 Caller Well, hold on my mom.

41:54 Adam All right.

41:54 Drew Where's mom now?

41:56 All right. Sorry about that.

41:58 Adam Hey, Drew, isn't it going to be nice when your kids get a little older and they shoo you?

42:03 Drew Get out, Drew.

42:03 Adam Get out, dude.

42:05 Drew They already start that kind of stuff. Drew, they called you the night.

42:08 Mom.

42:10 Caller Hang up.

42:11 Adam Uh-oh.

42:11 Caller Adam told her to hang up.

42:12 Adam All right. Well, I want to talk to her for a second.

42:15 Drew What's her name?

42:15 Adam Tyler's mom.

42:17 Caller Hello.

42:17 Adam Hello. What's your name, ma'am?

42:21 Drew Connie.

42:22 Adam Connie. That's a lovely name. No one's named Connie anymore.

42:25 Drew Connie Stevens.

42:27 Adam Connie Francis. I have an aunt Connie in Philadelphia.

42:30 Drew Connie Chung.

42:30 Adam Is there anyone under 45 named Connie?

42:34 Caller No. She's over 45.

42:36 Adam Oh, please, Tyler, come on now. You're 15. She could have had you when she was nine and a half. Hi. Hey, Connie. Uh-huh. How's Tyler doing?

42:46 Caller He's doing great.

42:47 Adam He is? He's a good boy?

42:50 Caller Uh-huh.

42:50 Adam He's doing well in school?

42:52 Caller Yeah.

42:53 Adam He's not on any drugs or anything, as far as you know?

42:55 Caller Nope. He's a smart, good kid.

42:57 Adam Yeah. Have you found anything in his room?

43:00 Caller No.

43:00 Adam No.

43:01 Drew Other than pornography.

43:01 Adam No pornography, no marijuana?

43:05 Caller No.

43:07 Adam No vases with holes in the side of them?

43:10 Caller You better not.

43:11 Adam Okay. All right. Hey, Connie?

43:14 Caller All right.

43:14 Adam Now, I need you to put the phone down so we can have a conversation with your son.

43:18 Caller With Tyler?

43:19 Adam Yes.

43:20 Caller Mom, it's a radio show.

43:21 Adam Yeah. It's a radio program. Hey, Mom?

43:24 Caller Well, he has to go to bed.

43:25 Adam I understand. Where's Daddy? Is he around?

43:28 Caller Yeah, he's around.

43:30 Adam Where?

43:31 Caller He's right now somewhere.

43:33 Adam Folsom?

43:34 Caller Huh?

43:35 Adam Where is he?

43:36 Caller No. He's around. He's probably at the store.

43:40 Adam Probably at the where?

43:41 Caller The store.

43:42 Adam At the store.

43:43 Caller Or asleep.

43:44 Adam Or asleep. All right. You're not sure if he's asleep or out of the house.

43:47 Caller That's right.

43:48 Adam You must live in a huge house.

43:52 Caller Is this really a radio show?

43:53 Adam Yes. Connie, do you drink?

43:54 Drew It's hard to believe, Connie. I understand.

43:56 Caller Not too much. I don't.

43:57 Adam All right. Everybody, have you been drinking a little tonight?

44:00 Caller No, sir.

44:01 Adam All right. Connie.

44:02 Caller I'm naturally like this.

44:04 Adam I need you to do me a favor.

44:05 Caller What?

44:06 Adam I need you to check the temperature on your water heater. It's not supposed to be above 120 degrees. You can burn at 120.

44:17 Caller I'll check that. You guys are helping my son not to say blow up anything or anything, right?

44:21 Adam No.

44:22 Drew He mentioned that, as a matter of fact.

44:23 Caller Yeah, I know.

44:24 Drew That's what we were wondering about.

44:25 Adam No, we're not one of those shows.

44:27 Caller Okay, good.

44:28 Adam All right.

44:28 Caller All right. Goodbye, guys.

44:29 Caller I'll be off in a minute, Mom.

44:30 Caller Two minutes.

44:31 Adam Bye, Connie.

44:32 Drew Two minutes.

44:33 Adam All right.

44:33 Caller Hey, Adam.

44:34 Adam Yeah.

44:34 Caller How'd you guess my dad lived in a huge house?

44:37 Adam Well, because your mom doesn't know where he is.

44:39 Caller No. Yeah, she knows where he is. Successful divorce. I'm not messed up like most, you know.

44:45 Adam Oh, OK. Good. So they're blowing up.

44:48 Drew Yeah. Blowing up property. What's your question? You got two minutes.

44:52 Caller Well, it wasn't really a question. She just like made me put it into question form to tell you guys. Yeah, me and a bunch of friends were out one night last Monday, actually, and we were just screwing around lighting up. Like I told him that I was going to light my farts on fire because I do this farting trick where I stick my ass up in the air and I can suck air in and I can blow it out like a fart.

45:14 Adam Wow.

45:15 Caller Yeah, anytime.

45:16 Adam You drop out of school right now.

45:19 Caller I should.

45:19 Adam Is there any money like that? It's all a waste of time. Yeah. You have a gift, my friend.

45:24 Caller I definitely do.

45:25 Adam Yeah.

45:26 Caller Well, I suck some air in and then I let it brew for a while, so it gets potent.

45:31 Drew Brewing, Adam.

45:33 Caller So because if I just let it out right away, it won't get potent.

45:36 Adam All right, we'll do it. Does it make a sound?

45:37 Caller Yeah. You want me to do it right now?

45:38 Adam Yeah, do it right now.

45:39 Caller All right. Hold on. I got to get in the position.

45:41 Adam Okay. Let's hope mom comes back in.

45:42 Caller Hold on.

45:43 Adam Oh no.

45:49 Caller I'm working on it.

45:50 Adam All right. What position are you in, Tyler?

45:53 Caller Ass up in the air right now.

45:55 Adam Ass up, legs?

45:56 Caller Here we go. I got one in there.

45:57 Okay. Unacceptable.

46:02 You hear that?

46:04 Drew You sure you're a male?

46:05 Adam Yeah. So, wow. So, you put your, now do you put your sort of ankles by your ears and roll back?

46:16 Caller That works, but I prefer just putting my head down, like sticking my ass up in the air like that.

46:23 Adam You mean standing up and putting your head down?

46:25 Caller No, just like kind of in a crawling position.

46:28 Drew All right. What is your question? We got about 30 seconds.

46:30 Adam No, no, no, no.

46:31 Drew We can talk to you after.

46:32 Adam We got to take a break and then come back. Hey, Tyler? Yeah. Listen to me. I know your mom said two minutes, but it's going to be more like four minutes, okay? Okay, listen. Suck in as much air as you possibly can during the commercial, all right?

46:43 Caller I can't. After it's been in for a little bit, like after like 30 seconds, then it completely goes away.

46:48 Drew It goes up high.

46:49 Adam All right. Well, I'll tell you what. Start sucking in about three or four minutes, all right? Okay, and then we'll get back with you, okay? All right.

46:58 Drew You really enamored with this talent, aren't you?

47:00 Adam What a gift. Drew. Yeah. He may replace you on the show. Very bad news for you. We'll be back.

47:10 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

47:43 Adam Same here, though. We'll take a little 10-second time out, and then we'll be back in 10 seconds.

47:53 This is Loveline on Radio Station.

48:08 Adam It's a love line, Adam Corolla, it's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. And when we left off, we weren't speaking to, but we're going to speak to.

48:18 Drew No, no, no, no, you were finishing with Tyler.

48:19 Adam We were. Oh, Tyler. Yeah, sucks gas. That's right. Tyler.

48:23 Caller Yeah.

48:24 Adam Yeah. Tyler can- He's brewing.

48:26 Caller Listen to this.

48:26 Adam Okay.

48:30 Caller Oh, crap, man. That was a dud.

48:34 Adam No, I know. Why don't you try to suck another one in while you're asking your question.

48:37 Caller I got one.

48:38 Okay.

48:41 Jesus Christ in heaven.

48:43 Caller You want to hear another?

48:44 Adam Yeah. All right.

48:45 Here we go. Hold on. Here we go.

48:57 Caller My God.

49:02 Adam Oh, man. I'll tell you, if you were gay, you could play such tricks on your boyfriend. Just be the greatest. That'd be great. Stevie in, just about. Come on, babe, I can't wait. Oh, that'd be great.

49:19 Drew But not only that, if he were just your friend, he could keep you in stitches endlessly. This could be the ideal man for you.

49:25 Adam I mean, Jimmy farts about every four minutes, but still not quite on demand. You know what I mean? All right. That is real funny, Tyler. Yeah.

49:38 Caller Well, hey, what I called about, like what I really thought would get me on is that night when I was out with my friend, showing him that I could do that, and I was lighting him on fire, and I wasn't doing denim.

49:53 Adam Oh, you always do denim if you light.

49:55 Caller My bad, and guess what? I learned.

49:57 Drew Yeah.

49:58 Adam You pay the fiddler.

49:59 Drew What have you, light pants got on fire or something?

50:01 Caller Well, no.

50:02 Worse.

50:03 Caller Look, well, I kept doing it and nothing was happening. I was letting them brew, but I had these like nylon pants on. Nothing kept happening with those, so I pulled them down.

50:14 Adam No.

50:15 Caller Pulled them down.

50:16 Adam God, no.

50:16 Caller And I got one. And the fire, like when you light hair, it doesn't really go up in flames.

50:24 Adam No. It sizzles.

50:24 Caller It all shrinks.

50:25 Adam Yeah. Yeah, it burns like a tinsel on a Christmas tree or cellophane or something. It burns in, it doesn't really burn out. Exactly. It's not like a wick where the flame.

51:09 Drew Oh my God.

51:10 Adam All right. Well, listen.

51:12 Drew Burn your nuts off.

51:13 Adam The point is, is... Thanks, Drew. Drew, have a little decorum, would you? I gotta see if Tyler can work something else. Tyler. Yeah. Hey, can you work one more up for us for the road, you know?

51:31 Caller Yeah, here we go. You want to hear it when it goes in?

51:37 Adam Yeah, I'd like to hear it on the way in. Yeah, sure. Oh, boy. I'll tell you. You have a gift. You are a prodigy. Listen, Anderson doesn't like farting, which to me makes me think he's gay. Because I don't trust a guy who doesn't like farting. Only the gay guys fart, don't like farting.

52:13 Drew You're gay.

52:14 Adam Because it's like they're lively.

52:16 Drew Most women are not that into it.

52:18 Adam Yeah. But I don't trust a guy who isn't.

52:20 Drew You are the most favorite caller for Adam.

52:23 Adam That's right. Hey, Tyler.

52:24 Caller Why did Anderson play that drop about me being gay if I fart?

52:27 Adam Listen, listen. Hold on a second. Don't worry about it. I'll handle Anderson. All right. Thanks. Okay. Now listen. We're going to put you on hold. Okay? You talk to Lisa. We'll give you the hotline number.

52:38 Drew Why?

52:39 Adam You got to call in periodically. I like Tyler.

52:42 Caller Oh my God.

52:44 Drew It's going to have to be-

52:46 Adam Yes.

52:47 Drew Wow.

52:48 Adam Yeah.

52:49 Drew Okay.

52:49 Adam You give him the hotline number and tell him, here's what you tell him. You give him that hotline number, you tell him to call in periodically, like every 15 minutes. No. Every 20 minutes. No. Tell him to call in once in a while, once a week, let's say. But tell him, if we get any calls from other nut jobs, we'll know it's from him because no one has that number, and then he'll be cut off.

53:12 Drew Or if he gives it to anybody else.

53:13 Adam He gets that number, but he cannot give it out.

53:17 Drew By the way, Adam, I wanted to share with you that one of the things I really admire and appreciate about you is the long-winded sort of exposes, the position papers on humor and comedy and how it works and the intellectual process.

53:30 Adam That's right. It's all out to win when it comes to farting, though. Farting is like a beautiful woman. You can talk about whatever you want, but a big set of cans and blonde hair comes through the door, and Einstein is reaching first junk. All bets are off with the gas. There's nothing funnier. And people who don't think it's funny, I do not trust at all. Yeah, that's right, Anderson. Could be gay, or at least suspect sexuality. Not necessarily gay. Not full-time.

53:59 Drew So you don't trust gay people?

54:01 Adam Uh, no. I don't. That really pleases my homosexual palate. Daniel?

54:07 Caller Yeah, I'm here.

54:08 Adam What's up?

54:09 Caller Uh, not much. Listen, I've got a couple of buddies. My friend Keith's from Oklahoma. We're looking around for a couple of strip clubs. And, you know, we're in Pasadena area. We're actually hanging out at the Denny's, just looking at LA Express and stuff, trying to find something to go to. You got any ideas?

54:25 Adam Where are you staying?

54:27 Caller Uh, well, I've got a place around here. My buddy is staying with his mom.

54:31 Adam In, uh, quite a high roller. Blows into town, stays with his mom. Nice. You guys can round up some chicks, bring them back to mom's house. And, uh, you're in the Pasadena area, and where does his mom live?

54:45 Caller Uh, up in El Pasadena.

54:49 Adam Wow. Was that the F word?

54:53 Drew Yeah.

54:54 Adam All right. Listen, can you hear me still?

54:58 Drew Anderson, you cut him off?

54:59 Adam He must have cut himself off.

55:01 Caller No, I'm here.

55:02 Adam Oh, OK. Listen, Daniel, tell your friend to settle down or I'm not going to tell him where to go.

55:07 Caller Hang on a second. They're in a car. Let me kick the door shut. There we go.

55:10 Adam OK. Um, I don't know any places in the Pasadena area, though Drew's from that area, so he might know. I don't know if there's any good strip clubs in Pasadena. Certainly not in Altadena.

55:22 Caller Oh, not up here. We're not. We just don't want to go down to Hollywood, you know?

55:25 Adam No. All right. Now, listen, just get on the 134, head west into the valley. You can stop off at the Star Garden. There's Bob's Classy Lady out in Van Nuys. You know, as soon as you enter the valley, it starts getting thick with strip clubs.

55:42 Drew Is that right?

55:42 Adam There's Hollywood A Go Go, which is in Burbank area. I don't know. That's a bikini place. There's Venus Fair. That's on Lancashim. Industrial Strip. Where's that Industrial Strip, Anderson? That's in North Hobbit. All right. Hey, Daniel.

56:03 Caller Yeah.

56:03 Adam You're looking for Totally Nude or Topless?

56:06 Caller Yeah, Totally Nude. All of us are just a bit under 21, so we've got to have some where we can still get in.

56:11 Adam OK. Why don't you try that, let's see, Bob's Classy Lady is Topless, I think. And that's bottomless too? All right. Well, there you go.

56:20 Caller The Bob's Place? Hey, what about, I got the flyer here, what about Baby Dolls Theater? It's a, where the hell is it? I don't, it's in Pomona. We got a...

56:29 Adam In Pomona?

56:30 Caller Yeah, it's a little farther, but we got a coupon to get in with no cover charge. I was wondering if you'd know about that.

56:35 Adam Listen, Gene, you spend 17 bucks in gas, they save you three bucks at the door.

56:40 Caller Yeah, we got three of them.

56:41 Adam Come on, use your brain, would you? Listen, most of these places don't have much cover anyway, five bucks or two drink minimum, what the hell night is it, Monday night? You can probably walk right in some of these places. Yeah, I'll check that. Go to the Venus Fair on Lancashim in North Hollywood.

56:57 Drew And why do you recommend that one?

56:59 Adam They have those booze where the chicks dance, you get your own booth, you know what I mean? Really blow some steam off in those places.

57:07 Drew I see.

57:08 Adam Roll the paper towels on the door.

57:10 Drew Is that right?

57:12 Adam I swear to God, Drew, you would not believe not only what goes on in some of these places, but just how they're laid out.

57:21 Drew Why don't these women that subject themselves to this stuff ever talk about it or write about it? You know what I mean? Sort of expose the rest of the world.

57:28 Adam First off, most of them don't have their GED, so it's tough to write about. In terms of talking about it, they're laughing all the way to the bank.

57:36 Drew So what are you saying, what goes on? I'm not sure I want to ask that question.

57:40 Adam There's essentially a, well, there used to be, I haven't been there in a while, it's like an octagon, right? Picture, like if you were looking down on a stop sign, is that an octagon? Yeah, hexagon. Or a hexagon. Okay. Well, what's an octagon? Eight. Eight. Okay. Let's say hexagon. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. What's that, seven?

58:04 Drew Six.

58:05 Adam Six. All right. Anyway, whatever. Let's say you're looking down on that. And in the middle of, and that thing is like, let's say, 10 feet around in circumference. In the middle is the chick dancing around naked. On each flat part of the octagon is a booth that you enter with a, like a window. And when you put the money in, it gets dark in your booth and then you can see the chick dancing around. And when your time's up, it gets light and you can't see through it anymore. You just see yourself wagging off. Which is enough to do it for me. I don't even know what I'm doing there. I just stand in front of the mirror at home.

58:44 Drew Oh my God. Are you proud of yourself?

58:45 Adam No, I never went into that.

58:46 Drew Oh, I'm sure.

58:48 Adam No, I didn't. It wasn't my scene, that whole, you know, part of the problem too is when the light kicks on, then you see the guy across the way.

58:56 Oh my God.

58:57 Adam That could slow you down. Hey, it's my gym coach. It's Mr. Sopanzi. What's going on in there? I mean, it's a little pathetic. Yeah, it's a little weird. Sometimes there's some chick dancing, you went to junior high with or something. You know, it's best to stay out of your own neighborhood. You start running into coaches and clergymen and chicks. You know, chicks you saw in Jewish camp and stuff like that. You know, it's a real mess. All right. But anyway, they're young. They're from out of town. They can go hit the Venus Fair. And then right down the street is Star Garden, just three or four doors down. Actually, it's one of the greatest strips of street anywhere. It's Venus Fair, which is like this nudie book store with the masturbatory octagon. Then there's an appliance store, used appliance store. Then there's a holster shop, like a leather holster shop. I don't know what it's doing there. Then Star Garden. That's where I met my stripper girlfriend. It was very sentimental.

59:58 Drew I imagine. A walk down memory lane.

1:00:00 Adam It's a walk down memory lane. That's right. Alexandra?

1:00:04 Hi.

1:00:05 Adam You're 16?

1:00:06 Caller Yeah. First, oh my gosh, Adam.

1:00:09 Drew Are we still on the radio?

1:00:10 Adam I don't know.

1:00:10 Drew Let me shut this on.

1:00:13 Adam Yeah.

1:00:14 Caller I think you are the sexiest man alive.

1:00:17 Why?

1:00:18 Caller I am so in love with you. Oh my god, you are so sexy. Drew, you are too, but Adam is so sexy.

1:00:27 Adam Really sexy?

1:00:28 Caller Yes, like, oh my god, like, okay, my friend asked me, oh, so when do you want to lose your virginity? And I am like, not until I do it with Adam. Wow.

1:00:40 Wow.

1:00:41 Adam Where were you when I was in high school?

1:00:44 Caller He was so sexy.

1:00:47 Drew Yeah. What is it that makes him sexy?

1:00:49 Caller I don't know. It's just, oh, I don't know, just like everything about him, his looks, everything.

1:00:57 Drew Yeah.

1:00:58 Caller Like the perfect guy.

1:01:00 Drew The hair distribution.

1:01:00 Adam The perfect guy, yes. Come on, Lisa. Oh, I caught Lisa making a serious puss. And I'm watching Lisa Drew through the glass. And when she said the perfect guy, she went like, ah, like she bit into something that was bad. Like, it's a good thing producer Anne is on maternity leave. She would have just go ahead and vomited right on that.

1:01:21 Drew She would have.

1:01:22 Adam It would have been like spontaneous things like when you find a body in the river or something and, you know, you turn it over, you know, like you can't control yourself.

1:01:32 Caller Like you look like a guy who can give some major serious sex.

1:01:37 Adam Yes, I can.

1:01:38 Caller Like, good.

1:01:39 Drew Major serious.

1:01:41 Adam I absolutely could. Potentially, I can, yes. I rarely do, but I can.

1:01:46 Drew All right, let's find out what's wrong with Alexandra.

1:01:49 Caller My best friend, he thinks I'm a lesbian because one time I saw him. Well, him, because I've known him since I was little, naked and he thought he's like, and I totally flipped out because it was like my first time, and this was like last year saying like a penis, right? So I was like, oh my God, and he was just like, oh, you're a lesbian, you're an anti. So he calls me, oh, can I on the radio? He called me anti. That's like my name, his name for me. And so now he wants me to give his best friend, he wants me to give him a head. And so by Friday, and so I need to know some tips.

1:02:36 Drew No, the tip is don't do it.

1:02:37 Adam By Friday?

1:02:38 Caller By Friday.

1:02:40 Adam I like that. Usually you only get 48 hours on oral sex.

1:02:46 Drew Ultimatum.

1:02:46 Adam Ultimatum. But this guy is giving you 72, I mean, or 86 hours. That's...

1:02:54 Drew More gentlemanly.

1:02:55 Adam Yeah, very nice of him.

1:02:57 Caller What are you doing?

1:02:58 Drew Alexander, what are you doing? Come on.

1:03:00 Caller Well, I mean, I don't really want to do it because I kind of avoid them.

1:03:04 Drew Then don't do it. Then don't do it.

1:03:07 Caller But I don't know.

1:03:07 Drew Leave me. If you think he's spreading rumors about you for being a lesbian, which he isn't, way to hear how he talks about you if you follow through on this thing.

1:03:14 Adam Aren't you a virgin?

1:03:16 Caller Yeah. Well, I'm not doing it until I get you out of a number.

1:03:21 Caller Oh, really?

1:03:22 Adam All right. Me neither. Where do you live?

1:03:26 Caller In Santa Barbara.

1:03:27 Adam We're going to be out there in a couple of weeks.

1:03:29 Caller I know. But can people under the college age go and watch you?

1:03:35 Adam I think they have the townies come out there.

1:03:37 Drew Usually.

1:03:38 Adam Sure.

1:03:39 Caller Yeah. I think on the 15th.

1:03:41 Adam Yeah. Well, why don't you come out to UC Santa Barbara on the 15th and see me in person?

1:03:46 Caller Yeah.

1:03:47 Oh my God.

1:03:48 Caller Okay. All right.

1:03:50 Adam No oral sex until then.

1:03:53 Okay.

1:03:55 Drew Adam won't speak to you if you fall through on this.

1:03:57 Adam That's right.

1:03:58 Caller By the way.

1:03:58 Adam Then I'll know.

1:03:59 Drew By the way.

1:04:00 Caller I really like how you sang Taboo 2.

1:04:03 Adam Oh, thank you.

1:04:04 Drew When you sang it with the-

1:04:05 Caller It was so funny. I love the Lightning Hour.

1:04:08 Adam Oh, God. All right. All right. Well, you know what? I'm going to dedicate tonight's Lightning Round to you. Thank you. We'll see you in Santa Barbara, right? All right.

1:04:23 Drew Can you imagine a lightning hour?

1:04:25 Adam No, I couldn't. My jaw would fall off. Well, there's a woman of discerning taste. Lisa?

1:04:33 Hi.

1:04:33 Adam You're 21? What's up?

1:04:36 Caller All right. I'm kind of a nut and I need to know if possibly medication would help me to control these things that I'm doing.

1:04:46 Drew What are you doing?

1:04:48 Caller Well, it has a lot to do with my boyfriend. We have a lot of problems. I get these, I'm really jealous all the time, suspicious and accusing, mood swings, temper tantrums, ridiculous, and it's all over stupid little things.

1:05:07 Adam Do you have any reason not to trust your boyfriend? Has he ever screwed up?

1:05:12 Caller Not really. I've been with him for three years and he's really only done two things to make me not trust him.

1:05:20 Adam What were they?

1:05:21 Caller We broke up for two months about a year ago. He saw another girl.

1:05:28 Drew You were broken up, though, so.

1:05:29 Caller Yeah.

1:05:30 Drew Doesn't count.

1:05:31 Adam Started seeing her after you guys broke up?

1:05:33 Caller Yeah.

1:05:33 Drew Doesn't count.

1:05:34 Caller But I found out later that he had sex with her.

1:05:37 Drew You were broken up.

1:05:38 Adam Still, your broken up was a couple months.

1:05:39 Caller Yeah, okay.

1:05:41 Adam Okay, that was it?

1:05:42 Caller Well, no, the other one was a few months ago. He knows how I feel about drugs and he did drugs with a friend of ours.

1:05:51 Adam What did he do?

1:05:53 Caller Special K.

1:05:54 Adam Yeah, and?

1:05:56 Caller He lied to me about it because I found stuff in his room and I confronted him about it and he swore up and down that he didn't do it.

1:06:03 Adam All right. Well, he has to lie to you though because you'll spin out.

1:06:06 Caller Oh, I did anyway.

1:06:08 Adam Oh, okay. Well, there you go. At least he tried. All right. So listen, was who did drugs in your family?

1:06:13 Drew Right. Dad, mom.

1:06:15 Caller My mom.

1:06:16 Adam Your mom did drugs.

1:06:17 Caller Yeah.

1:06:17 Adam And what drugs?

1:06:20 Drew Everything.

1:06:21 Caller She was hooked on coke for a while.

1:06:23 Adam Yeah, boy. How old were you?

1:06:25 Caller Maybe 12 at the time.

1:06:28 Drew Yeah. Well, that may be that kind of abandonment by your mother is enough to make you freak out a little bit, or at least be fearful of a relation. It affects your ability to have a sort of consistent self-esteem.

1:06:43 Adam What a magical coincidence that we knew her mother or her father did drugs.

1:06:47 Drew Yeah. And it's very common for people with these sorts of histories to be fearful of abandonment, that somebody is going to leave them, or in fact be so fearful about it, they actually make it happen.

1:06:58 Adam And you think in a perfect world, in a sane world, in a world that made sense.

1:07:08 Drew If the human had been created.

1:07:09 Adam In a pragmatic world.

1:07:10 Drew In that kind of way.

1:07:11 Adam A woman that was deathly fearful of her man leaving would double down on their oral sex and not throw tantrums. Right. It's the ones that are fearful of the leaving that throw the most tantrums that therefore get you to leave.

1:07:27 Drew Right.

1:07:28 Adam Magical.

1:07:29 Drew Yeah.

1:07:30 Adam Yeah. So there it is. And that's the play that you've cast. And you play the role of the freaked out, well, more like child.

1:07:41 Drew Yeah.

1:07:42 Adam So yes, you got to get some therapy. Because if your mom is a drug addict, you got to get some therapy. That's heavy.

1:07:47 Drew You can go to Alanon. I'm going to get a sponsor, work the steps there that you can work through some of the stuff.

1:07:51 Yeah.

1:07:53 Adam James. Yeah. You're 27. Hold on a second, would you please? All right. Listen, I saw a guy with that deluxe penis pump over here I want to talk to. Jonathan?

1:08:05 Caller Yes.

1:08:06 Adam You're 25?

1:08:08 Caller Yes, I am.

1:08:09 Adam Right. You found a website with a deluxe model penis pump?

1:08:12 Caller Yes, I did.

1:08:13 Drew Not my website, by the way.

1:08:15 Adam www.drdrew.com?

1:08:18 Drew No.

1:08:18 Caller No. May I say the name on the on line? No.

1:08:25 Adam No.

1:08:25 Caller Can't say the name.

1:08:26 Drew What's the question?

1:08:27 Adam Why do you want to say the name?

1:08:29 Caller No. Well, I thought maybe you'd think about it if I said this.

1:08:32 Adam Listen, I don't monkey around with this computer. This is a waste of time. I'm not going to take time out of my napping and masturbatory schedule, my valuable napping and masturbatory and reruns of Dukes of Hazard schedule to putz around on the computer.

1:08:47 Drew What's your question?

1:08:49 Caller The guy claims he's a doctor. The pump is about $600 and it's motorized. It's not one of those hand jobs that you see at like the $40 at a porno store.

1:08:58 Adam Right.

1:08:59 Caller He claims it gives one to three inches in length and 25 percent in girth due to more blood getting into the capillaries, arteries, and veins of the penis over nine to 12 months length of time, providing you use it once every two days for about 30 to 45 minutes.

1:09:21 Drew Nobody's ever going to do that. He's going to claim that, of course, he didn't grow. You skipped a day every week.

1:09:28 Adam Well, plus.

1:09:30 Caller My question is, scientifically, it sounds like it would work.

1:09:36 Drew Why does it sound like it would work?

1:09:37 Caller Pardon?

1:09:38 Drew Why does it sound like it would work?

1:09:39 Caller Well, there's extra penis when you're erect below your base. Which goes, like, sort of behind the testicles, almost to your prostate or to your prostate.

1:09:50 Drew That ain't going nowhere, I promise. That is properly attached.

1:09:53 Adam It's not coming out like a turtle's head?

1:09:55 Drew No. It ain't going nowhere.

1:09:57 Caller What about the girth scenario?

1:09:59 Drew I don't see how that could happen.

1:10:01 Adam Okay, listen. Let me ask you here, Drew. This forces blood to the penis.

1:10:08 Drew Right.

1:10:08 Adam But yet an erection forces blood to the penis, correct?

1:10:12 Drew Right.

1:10:13 Adam Now, is there a difference between forcing it via an erection and forcing it via some serious PSI?

1:10:22 Drew I don't see how. I don't. The issue is, there's tons of pressure coming in. It's arterial pressure. It's the issue of constricting the outflow. That's how the situation occurs, erection occurs.

1:10:37 Adam Right. But I mean, in terms of growing the penis. Well, let's put it this way. Let's put it this way. The notion is, is that when you engorge something with blood, the muscle is fed somehow, and the muscle grows. That's what they think. But if you put a pump on your hand and sucked blood to your hand, would your fingers get more muscular?

1:10:59 Drew There you go. Well, the penis isn't the muscle, but the skin could be pulled away from the finger, I suppose, and sort of hang off the tip like an elephant's trunk.

1:11:08 Adam Right. But what I mean is, is if you want your bicep to get bigger, you lift the weights, it pumps blood to it, and the muscle grows. But if you just put a pump on your arm and suck blood to your bicep, it wouldn't do anything. That's right. Just have an engorged bicep, and then it would drain back.

1:11:26 Drew That's right.

1:11:28 Adam Right?

1:11:29 Drew Yeah, that's right.

1:11:30 Adam Why? Why is that?

1:11:32 Drew Why want to get bigger?

1:11:33 Adam Well, why is it when I do a curl and bring blood to my bicep?

1:11:37 Drew The growth is not about the blood.

1:11:39 Adam It's about the bringing of the blood.

1:11:40 Drew The blood is part of what's necessary for the growth to occur.

1:11:43 Adam Right.

1:11:43 Drew But it's not what causes the growth.

1:11:45 Adam Okay. Well, listen, I got an idea though. I want to just speak to John. How small is your penis, John?

1:11:52 Caller Pardon?

1:11:52 Adam How small is your penis?

1:11:54 Caller Oh, it's not small at all. It's six and a half long by five and five-eighths around.

1:11:58 Adam Five and five-eighths?

1:12:00 Drew And in centimeters?

1:12:02 Adam You sure it ain't five and nine-sixteenths around?

1:12:05 Caller Let me check. Hold on.

1:12:06 Adam Yeah. Last time I heard it was five and a long nine-sixteenths, not five-eighths.

1:12:12 Drew Jonathan, all I know is that men with this obsession have got issues about their own worth and need to really focus on career and things that make them feel better about themselves.

1:12:22 Adam You know what?

1:12:23 Drew It's a symbol of esteem.

1:12:24 Adam You know what's funny? You use obviously a cloth like a measuring tape to go around the circumference of your penis. Right. Now, here's what I would like. I'd like to know the difference. When he uses that cloth, Taylor's measuring tape, those cloth tapes, when he's measuring the length of his penis, how taut do you figure that baby is? I bet you one of the flying Walendas could walk on that thing. I mean, he probably got the thing pulled like there's a big-mouth bass on the other end of it, okay? But when he's measuring the circumference of his penis, how tight you figure he yanks on that thing? I bet it's sitting like a hula hoop around some spokes model's ankle. You know what I mean? How tight you think he pulls it that way? As opposed to what is the tension on that thing, on the length as opposed to the circumference? What do you think, Drew?

1:13:22 Drew Zero.

1:13:23 Adam There you go. All right. We'll take a little break, and then we'll be back with more of your calls.

1:13:29 Caller Let's have some more fun.

1:13:31 Drew Okay.

1:13:32 Caller Let's do it.

1:13:33 Caller Call Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:13:37 Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:13:39 Adam Well, here's how it's sample.

1:14:10 Caller Neat.

1:14:10 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That is Drew Loveline. Getting dangerously close to the lightning round.

1:14:17 Drew Oh my God. Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no.

1:14:23 Adam Oh. Got the cowbell all ready for the lightning round. Lightning round is basically radio how radio should be done. We should do this entire show like the lightning round. That is good radio.

1:14:37 Drew By the way, my wife has continued to refer to herself as hot, hot, hot.

1:14:40 Adam She is hot, hot, hot. All right. Where are we here, Drew?

1:14:47 Drew There we go.

1:14:49 Adam Becky?

1:14:50 Yes.

1:14:51 Adam What's up? You're 27. Hello? Yes.

1:14:54 Caller I was calling in. I was calling in on the guy that just talked about the pump.

1:15:01 Adam The penis pump? Yes.

1:15:03 Caller A friend of mine, she has one and she says it works right, if they, like after you get them pumping, it works better.

1:15:11 Adam The penis works better?

1:15:13 Caller Yeah. It makes it swell up a little bit and then it makes it feel better. It doesn't last forever.

1:15:20 Drew What the hell are you talking about?

1:15:22 Adam He gets the extra blood going to his penis and then they have sex.

1:15:26 Drew Does he have one of these therapeutic pumps where he has difficulty sustaining an erection? And it snaps a ring around the base of the penis and all this business?

1:15:33 Adam You think she's going to answer this?

1:15:36 Caller No.

1:15:37 Drew We've got a straight answer.

1:15:38 Adam Really? How do you know?

1:15:42 Caller Just by what she tells me.

1:15:44 Adam What kind of pump does he have?

1:15:47 Caller A manual pump.

1:15:50 Adam There's a Mexican guy who does it?

1:15:52 Caller Who?

1:15:54 Drew Where did he get it?

1:15:55 Adam I thought you said Manuel.

1:15:58 Caller I'm not sure where he got it.

1:16:01 Adam So he just pumps it by hand.

1:16:06 Drew For men that have difficulty having or sustaining an erection, these kinds of things actually can be helpful.

1:16:12 Caller Oh, okay. Thanks.

1:16:13 Adam All right. Hey, Becky, do you have kids?

1:16:17 Caller No.

1:16:18 Adam Really?

1:16:19 Caller Yes.

1:16:19 Adam Good. No more.

1:16:21 Caller No more.

1:16:22 Adam Why don't you have kids?

1:16:25 Caller I just don't want none.

1:16:27 Adam Good. That's good. They're evil and they are like little mice. They eat money. You understand?

1:16:38 Caller Yeah, I understand.

1:16:39 Drew You've had no pelvic surgeries or anything, Becky? Hysterectomy or anything like that?

1:16:44 Adam Becky?

1:16:45 Caller Yes.

1:16:45 Adam Can you have kids?

1:16:47 Caller Yes.

1:16:47 Adam You can. Okay. Good. All right. Have fun with that pump.

1:16:52 Caller Okay. Thanks.

1:16:53 Adam Okay.

1:16:55 Drew She could not wait to get away.

1:16:56 Adam That's fine. I wasn't that enticed by Becky, I don't know. James?

1:17:03 Drew Yeah.

1:17:03 Adam You're 27?

1:17:04 Caller Yep.

1:17:05 Adam What's up?

1:17:07 Caller Not much really. I served in the Desert Storm and everything and I was on the armor division and we'd go around checking all the tanks that had been hit by anti-tank weapons.

1:17:19 Drew Oh boy.

1:17:21 Caller And I got a real close view of everything that was inside and now I kind of had a real bad time sleeping.

1:17:28 Drew Oh boy.

1:17:29 Adam Yeah.

1:17:30 Caller And I was going to council and everything when I was up in Oregon and ever since I moved down here, I haven't found any place like support groups or anything that I could go to.

1:17:39 Drew Was the military providing the counseling for you?

1:17:41 Caller Yeah.

1:17:41 Adam What? Now, you were in Armored Division. Were you in a tank?

1:17:46 Caller Yeah.

1:17:47 Adam And who shot these tanks? Or these personnel carriers?

1:17:53 Caller Artilleries and F-14s.

1:17:55 Adam Oh, really?

1:17:56 Caller Yeah.

1:17:57 Adam Interesting. The F-14s shot the tanks? Yeah.

1:18:02 Caller What we call tank killers.

1:18:04 Adam Yeah. I thought the A-10 was the tank killer.

1:18:09 Caller A-64 Apache and F-14s.

1:18:11 Adam Well, that's a helicopter. They didn't have the Warthogs shooting the tank? All right.

1:18:19 Caller Now and then.

1:18:20 Adam Okay. Yeah. Listen, I thought jets flew too fast or something. I mean, I know they just locked the missiles on and stuff, but I thought they were always just slower planes or helicopters.

1:18:32 Caller They can drop what are called...

1:18:34 Adam Oh, the cluster ones?

1:18:35 Caller Yeah, cluster bombs and stuff. Actually just went into the sand and stuff and basically a tank would hit it.

1:18:40 Adam I see. Okay. So you had to go like sort of pop the hatch on those?

1:18:47 Caller Yeah. Sort of like the cleanup crew.

1:18:48 Adam Oh boy. And what do they need you to do to make sure that the thing was out of commission and that there wasn't anyone in there who could have caused harm to you?

1:18:59 Caller Yeah. Basically make sure everything is non-op and there were no survivors or anything.

1:19:04 Adam How do you make sure something's non-op?

1:19:08 Caller No electrical devices or anything are capable of being operated in.

1:19:12 Adam Yeah. But what do you do to each tank?

1:19:14 Caller We have to see if any of the firing mechanisms are still operational.

1:19:18 Adam I see. You don't just pull the keys and... No. What I would do is I pull the distributor cap, just pull the wire from the coil to distributor cap and it ain't going anywhere. All right. So you actually had to get inside of the tank?

1:19:35 Caller Me and a crew of three others would actually have to get inside and pull remains out.

1:19:40 Adam I don't want to be disparaging, but this is the enemy, by the way. I'm guessing there was a little funk going on in some of those tanks, because, you know, I'm walking to a mini-mart, I get some funk. I can only imagine what was going on in that tank. There must have been some serious funk going on in there. I mean, I'm not talking about rotting corpses, I'm just talking about BO.

1:20:06 Drew Don't traumatize James anymore, okay?

1:20:08 Adam All right.

1:20:08 Caller Unacceptable.

1:20:10 Adam How many guys in a tank crew?

1:20:13 Caller The total, there'd be normally four to a tank.

1:20:16 Adam Four to a tank?

1:20:17 Caller Four to a tank.

1:20:18 Adam And were these Russian tanks? Who made these tanks for the most part?

1:20:22 Caller For Hussain, yeah, they were Russian made. Russian and Chinese made.

1:20:27 Adam Uh-huh. And so there'd be four guys in there, and they'd usually, I don't want to bring back too much, but this is kind of interesting. They'd usually would be burnt, right?

1:20:38 Caller Most of the time, yeah. And sometimes you get to get actually identified, you could still see facial remains and stuff, but most of the time they'd be charred to a crisp.

1:20:47 Adam And do you, did you ever find anyone alive in any of them?

1:20:54 Caller No.

1:20:54 Adam No. How many, huh?

1:20:56 Caller Luckily.

1:20:57 Adam How many tanks did you look into, would you assume?

1:21:00 Caller About 25, 30.

1:21:02 Adam Oh boy. And you had to go in there, work around these corpses and stuff, make sure, and then like sort of tag the tank?

1:21:11 Caller Yeah.

1:21:11 Adam Oh boy. That's a rough detail.

1:21:15 Caller Uh, yeah.

1:21:16 Adam Yeah. And, uh, and, uh, I'd imagine you need a little counseling for that.

1:21:21 Caller Yeah.

1:21:22 Adam Especially since you were in a tank yourself, you know? Really, uh, you know what I mean? It's sort of worse crawling out of a tank into another tank.

1:21:32 Caller Uh, it wasn't as bad at first, but then you get to kind of realizing that, hey, I'm inside one of these sardine cans myself.

1:21:40 Adam Yeah.

1:21:40 Caller Yeah.

1:21:41 Adam Yeah. You know what I mean? All right. But you guys were all right. You never got hit or anything?

1:21:46 Caller No.

1:21:47 Adam No. Okay. So what should he do, Drew?

1:21:50 Drew Doesn't the military provide you any resources down here?

1:21:52 Caller Uh, not anymore.

1:21:54 Drew So you need to get private counseling?

1:21:56 Caller Yeah. And I don't. I just moved here to Fresno and everything, and I don't really know any...

1:22:02 Drew Can you check with the VA or anything like that in the vicinity?

1:22:06 Caller Excuse me?

1:22:06 Drew Can you check with the VA?

1:22:08 Caller Uh, I don't know.

1:22:12 Drew All right.

1:22:12 Caller I probably could.

1:22:13 Drew That and... Do you have a doctor in the area there?

1:22:16 Caller No.

1:22:17 Drew All right. You start with getting just a plain... Just a general doctor. Describe the situation and maybe get a referral to somebody who has specific expertise in post-traumatic stress reactions.

1:22:26 Caller Okay.

1:22:27 Drew And keep this going. It sounds like you're sort of partially there with it. I mean, kind of you're really able to talk about it and you're still uncomfortable, obviously, and I'm sure you still have symptoms, but you're underway. You've been in treatment. Keep it going.

1:22:39 Adam Oh, boy. Oh, boy. How many charred bodies could you look at before you couldn't get a good night's sleep in?

1:22:50 Drew I'm with the ones with those facial remains.

1:22:55 Adam Listen to me. I swear to God, I can't sleep without my lovey size eye shade on.

1:23:04 Drew And your rainforest background music going. Or whatever. Ocean breeze. What the hell do you have? Seagulls.

1:23:12 Adam It's whales farting. I swear to God, I got one of these things from Sharper Image. It makes the sound of the ocean crashing on the rocks. I go to bed at night. I got the eye shade on, the ocean sound, the earplugs, humidifier going, the earplugs. Fan, the cold cream.

1:23:35 Drew You're gay.

1:23:37 Adam I have blackout shades in my room.

1:23:40 Drew What bugs me is that you re-create all that every time you fly on the airplane.

1:23:45 Adam When I do that, yeah, I do that on the airplane too. Yeah, earplugs. Okay, hold on a second. Let me just say hi to somebody. Dustin?

1:23:54 Caller Yeah?

1:23:54 Adam You're 14?

1:23:56 Caller Yeah.

1:23:58 Adam You can do that farting thing?

1:24:00 Caller Yeah, a friend actually told me how to do it.

1:24:02 Adam Really? I'd like to learn about this.

1:24:05 Caller You know how to do it.

1:24:06 Adam It's like you don't have a rectum, you have a blowhole.

1:24:09 Yeah, sort of, like a well, yeah.

1:24:11 Adam You take in air and you push it back out again. Yeah, okay, hold on a second, Dustin. We're going to take a little break.

1:24:18 Okay.

1:24:19 Adam Can you work something up for us?

1:24:20 Yeah, sure.

1:24:21 Adam Oh, the lightning round. This could work nicely into the lightning round, Dustin. All right, you just hang on and try to relax. Okay. Rest your anus, all right? Okay. All right, we'll be back after this.

1:24:41 Drew Love Line will be right back.

1:25:11 Caller Hey, hey, hey, hey!

1:25:16 Adam Hello, fans of Loveline Radio, fans everywhere. I'm Ace Rockolla. That is my partner, Dr. Drew the Love. Doctor, you're listening to Loveline, the hottest syndicated radio show in the free world.

1:25:31 Caller Oh!

1:25:32 Adam We are a window to the world. We're talking to you, and we're answering questions. We're doing it all night. Sunday through Thursday, 10 to midnight, on a day to late in some places. I'm Ace Rockolla. That's my partner, Dr. Drew. Let me give the time out, and we'll go back to the phones. It's 1146 and five seconds. That's 13 minutes and 55 seconds away from the top of the hour, 12 o'clock straight up. Let's hop back on the phones, earn ourselves a paycheck. What do you say there, Drewski? Sure. And let's get back with Dusty. Dusty is 14 years old, says he can sing from his anus. What's going on, Dusty?

1:26:12 Caller Okay, I got it. I got it already.

1:26:14 Adam All right, buddy. Hold on, Dusty, before you go, let me give it the time out real fast. It's 1146 and 37 seconds. That is 13 seconds and 23, wait, 23 seconds away from the top of the hour. 12 o'clock straight up. All right, Dusty, you're on Loveline. Righteous Brother, I'll tell you if I can do that, I've gotten to radio 10 years earlier. Can you whip up another little dream for us, Dustin?

1:26:49 Caller Yeah, just a second. All right.

1:26:51 Adam Dustin is 14 years old and already possesses the maturity of a man twice his age. Dustin? All right there, Dustin. We're going to put you on hold. We're going to give you the hotline number, all right? All right, Lisa? Lisa, let me tell you something about phone screener Lisa. She is hot, hot, hot. It is the love line. You're right in the middle of the lightning round, right in the middle of the lightning round. We're smack dab in the middle of the storm. There you go. It's the lightning round. I'm Ace Rockolla, your humble host for the lightning round. That's my good partner, Dr. Drew the Love Doctor. Your phone number is 1-800-LLV-E-191. Quick check on the time. It's 1147 in 55 seconds. That is 12 minutes and 5 seconds away from the top of the hour. 12 o'clock straight up, the witching hour. And let's hop back on the phones. What do you say, Doc? No. Hold on. Wait a minute. There's a little trouble there. Sandra's now on the phone. Is Dusty on hold or I hang up on him?

1:27:58 Drew He's on hold.

1:27:59 Adam All right. Get Dustin's phone number off there. Maybe give him the hotline number. That's the kind of ass I got to hear again. Sandra?

1:28:07 Caller Yeah?

1:28:07 Adam You're 18. Do you mind if I call you Sandy?

1:28:10 Caller Sure. Go for it.

1:28:10 Adam Are you hot, hot, hot?

1:28:12 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:28:14 Adam Sandy, what's your problem, honey?

1:28:16 Caller I found a call to make a little response to the comment that you said before about how strippers are uneducated, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

1:28:23 Adam Hold on one second. Let me just get the time out. It's 1148 and 40 seconds. That is 11 minutes and 20 seconds away from the top of the hour, 12 o'clock straight up. I'm Ace Rockolla. My partner Dr. Drew, listen to the Loveline right in the middle of the lightning round. Now, what's going on, Sandy?

1:28:41 Caller Did you hear what I said before?

1:28:43 Adam What's going on, Sandy?

1:28:44 Caller I said something about how-

1:28:47 Adam What's that, Sandy?

1:28:48 Caller I wanted to say something about how the comment that you guys made about strippers.

1:28:52 Adam Uh-huh. Go ahead, sweetie.

1:28:54 Caller I think Drew said something about how no strippers ever write books, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

1:28:58 Adam Uh-huh.

1:28:58 Caller But I have a list of references.

1:29:00 Caller Wait a minute. No, wait a minute.

1:29:01 Drew Wait a minute, Sandy. Wait a minute. I didn't say that.

1:29:03 Adam What?

1:29:04 Drew Not what I said.

1:29:05 Adam Hold on a second. Sandy? Yeah? Let me give the time out real quick before we keep going. It's 1149 in 27 seconds. That is 10 minutes and 33 seconds away from the top there. 12 o'clock straight up in Ace Rockolla. That's good, Dr. Dr. He lives in Loveline, right? I'm going to light it around.

1:29:22 Drew I actually said, why don't people who have been through these weird experiences write about it more often or talk about it?

1:29:27 Caller And there are so many books out there. I have six books sitting right in front of me from, like, feminists and just feminists who have been through the sex industry and everything like that. If you would like those references.

1:29:37 Adam That was rarely right.

1:29:38 Drew I would like to hear the references.

1:29:39 Adam Sandy?

1:29:40 Caller Yeah?

1:29:41 Adam Where do you strip? You totally nude or just topless?

1:29:43 Caller Totally nude.

1:29:44 Adam Totally nude. That means Papa got a piece. Oh yeah. Yes, he did.

1:29:52 Caller Uh huh.

1:29:52 Adam He did a little Sandy sample. Am I right?

1:29:55 Caller Say what?

1:29:56 Adam When did your dad rape you?

1:29:58 Caller When did my dad rape me?

1:29:59 Adam That's right.

1:30:00 Caller I have a very good relationship with my dad, so...

1:30:03 Adam You do? Good. Why are you killing him slowly? Why are you torturing the poor son of a bitch by taking your panties off? I'm not.

1:30:09 Caller The only thing that tortures them is stigmas like this.

1:30:12 Caller Stigmas like strippers are uneducated and strippers... You know what I mean? That they're going nowhere in life, so...

1:30:17 Adam No, no, no. Your dad's humiliated. Secretly humiliated. Hold on a second. I want to continue this debate. Let me give the time up. It's 1150 and 40 seconds. That's 9 minutes and 20 seconds away from the top of the hour. 12 o'clock straight up. The witch in our... I'm Ace Rockolla. That's my partner, Dr. Drew. You listen to Love Live, it's back down in the middle of the lightning round. Sandy, you dance totally nude.

1:30:41 Caller Yes, I do.

1:30:42 Adam And your father's aware of this?

1:30:44 Caller Yes, he is.

1:30:44 Adam And he's okay with that?

1:30:46 Caller What?

1:30:46 Adam He's all right with that?

1:30:48 Caller Because he is.

1:30:50 Caller I mean, he believes that...

1:30:52 Caller Because I'm paying for my college education right now.

1:30:55 Adam Since when do they charge for junior college? Come on now, Sandy. Where are you going to college, baby? Strip you?

1:31:02 Caller I was about to say it over there.

1:31:03 Adam Please.

1:31:04 Caller University of California, Santa Cruz.

1:31:06 Adam Please. That's a pot farm. That's not a college. Kids go there to grow weed. Shut up. All right there, Sandy. Your major is tassel spinning. Am I right? Good one. Write that one down, Drew. Let me give the time out. It's 1151 in 35 seconds. That's eight minutes and 25 seconds away from the top of the hour, 12 o'clock, straight up, you live in the love line, right in the middle of the light and around. Whoa, hold on a second. Who do we got here, Drew? Where are we going, buddy? Wherever you want it. Zeekin?

1:31:36 Caller Yeah.

1:31:37 Adam Zeekin, you're 15, you're bisexual. I'm bisexual, too. I only had sex twice last year. What's going on, brother?

1:31:48 Caller I don't know. I've been morally depressed this whole last year and very suicidal in the years before that.

1:31:58 Adam Hold on a second. Hold on a second there, Zeekin. It's hard to talk about suicide during the light around, Drew. You know?

1:32:05 Drew Get Zeekin's phone.

1:32:07 Adam Hey, Dr. Zeekin off the air, okay? Drew, do your job, would you, brother? It's right in the middle of the lightning round, and you can't kill yourself in the middle of the lightning round. Rachel, but Zeekin, you hang on, because while Ace Rockolla is in the bathroom, shaking the dew off his lily, you know what I'm saying, brother? Dr. Drew will be on the phone with you dutifully working through your problems. Rachel, you're 18 years old. It's 1152 and 45 seconds. That's seven minutes and 15 seconds away from the top of the hour, straight up 12 o'clock, the witching hour. I'm Ace Rockolla, my partner, Dr. Drew. You're listening to Love Line, the Spanish-backed Abnerville of the Lightning Ramp. What's going on there, Rachel?

1:32:43 Caller Oh dear. I was on New Year's Eve. Yeah, this is lovely. I got kind of a serious problem here.

1:32:51 Drew Go, go. Put it out there.

1:32:54 Caller On New Year's Eve, I was smoking pot with my friend and I don't know exactly what happened. I'm still trying to figure out what happened, but I almost died.

1:33:03 Drew What happened?

1:33:06 Caller I'm not sure what happened. I guess I stopped breathing and he said that I looked like I was having a seizure and I felt my heart stop. Then a few minutes later, he and his aunt carried me into the house and I was okay in a few minutes, but I was having a lot of trouble breathing.

1:33:23 Adam Let me chime in for one second here. Drew, that happened to me last time I was on Mary Jane. You know what I'm saying? The problem was not the heart stop. I almost choked on a Pop-Tart. Forgot to take it out of the doggone package.

1:33:35 Drew Did they take you to the hospital right then?

1:33:37 Caller No, they didn't.

1:33:37 Drew Why not?

1:33:39 Caller Because I was fine.

1:33:41 Drew Okay, well you need to go.

1:33:42 Caller Now?

1:33:43 Drew Well, the sooner the better. Whether or not it was a major rhythm disturbance, a drop in blood pressure, or a seizure is something that must be evaluated.

1:33:50 Adam All right, Rachy. All right, get into the hospital. Get yourself checked out. All our listeners are important. Or at least half of them. I'm Ace Rockolla. That's my partner, Dr. Drew. I'm looking at the clock, by the way, Drew. I hadn't noticed it for almost 15 seconds. It's 11, 54, and 25 seconds. That's five minutes and 35 seconds away from the top of the hour. It is Love Line. I'm Ace Rockolla. That's Dr. Drew. We're coming to the end of the lightning round, and we'll be back after this quick commercial break.

1:34:23 Caller You're about to get funky, yo.

1:34:29 Caller Oh, we'll be right back.

1:35:05 Adam All right, well, there you go. Another fine show in the can. And speaking of the can, it's time to end the show, so I can use it. So, until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:35:20 Caller Ha ha, well now.

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Monday, January 3, 2000