Episode 1000754887200

9:54 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

10:05 Voiceover I'm not modeling anymore for the two of you.

10:07 Voiceover Loveline.

10:09 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla, it's Dr. Drew over there. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 3108-54-4455. Dr. Drew's a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Tonight, our guest from The Parkers on UPN Monday night, it's 8.30, Monique is here.

10:29 Drew Monique, I have to add to something we were talking about just before we went on the air, we were talking about how we sometimes all kind of yawn or get tired before we're going to go do something. As soon as Adam starts speaking, I swear to God, I nearly fall immediately into a stupor. It's like some sort of hypnotic trance.

10:42 Mo’Nique I watched that.

10:43 Drew I started yawning. Oh my God, it's painful.

10:45 Adam He did that, Adam. It's my velvety nasal drone that speaks to Drew.

10:50 Drew Yanny.

10:51 Adam Mo'Nique was, well, she's been in here a couple of times. Let's see, when the last time?

10:57 Mo’Nique Last, what was it like?

10:58 Drew Four months ago?

10:59 Mo’Nique Yeah.

10:59 Adam Let's say that.

11:00 Mo’Nique I just can't get enough of me. I love you guys.

11:03 Adam That's what it is.

11:04 Mo’Nique Yes.

11:04 Adam I didn't even know she was coming till today. Yeah. We'll go with that. Ooh, that's you. That is you.

11:13 Mo’Nique Once again.

11:14 Adam Mo'Nique can be found with Countess Vaughn on The Parkers, as I said, on UPN, Monday Nights, 830. And is also, we'll talk about some of her other endeavors. Launching a plus size clothing line.

11:30 Mo’Nique Yes.

11:31 Adam How does that work?

11:32 Mo’Nique Size is 14 to 32.

11:34 Adam Now, why 14? Is that where the other stuff leaves off?

11:40 Mo’Nique That's actually where we start. Once you leave a size 12, you become a plus.

11:44 Adam Once you leave 12.

11:45 Mo’Nique Right.

11:46 Adam Is there a size 13?

11:47 Mo’Nique No.

11:48 Adam So, it just goes from 12 to 14.

11:50 Mo’Nique Right. There's no in-between. Either you're a 12 girl or a 14 girl. A 13 girl, we just throw her away. You have to be either or.

11:57 Adam Right. Well, most 13 girls are probably lying, say they're 12 girls instead of round up to 14.

12:02 Mo’Nique They're probably 16 girls actually.

12:05 Adam Now, you see, I can never figure out women's clothing sizes, whether it be bras or dresses. I think in a way that's part of a master plan to keep guys unbalanced. One more thing we can't figure out about women, for instance, shoe sizes. You ever try to buy shoes? Women love shoes. You ever tried to buy shoes for a girlfriend or your wife or something?

12:28 Drew Not even trying.

12:29 Adam You walk in there and it's like, I think she's about a seven. Is that a man's seven or a woman? Then you end up going.

12:35 Drew The width, it's all screwed up.

12:36 Adam Yeah, it's about like this.

12:37 Mo’Nique But that's why you have to pay close attention to your woman. When she goes shoe shopping, you go with her.

12:43 Drew This is the point, you got a master plan here. It's like some sort of test, was he paying attention?

12:48 I don't know, ladies.

12:49 Adam Here's how guys work. Shirts are small, medium, large or extra large. That's a no-brainer. The guy's over 180 pounds, you just go extra large. Even if it's a little big on him, fine. The pants, that's another no-brainer. It's whatever the waist and whatever the length is.

13:07 Drew And also, those often are also small, medium, large, extra large.

13:11 Adam Are they? That's for kids.

13:13 Mo’Nique Yeah, because then you have men 30, 32, 34.

13:15 Drew I had a pair of gym pants a couple days ago.

13:16 Adam Well, gym pants. But okay, even that's easy enough. But when a guy is a 34, he's a 34. And if he's put on a couple pounds, you grab him a 36.

13:25 Mo’Nique But what about length?

13:27 Adam Well, you just size the guy up. And if the guy's six foot, he's probably a 33 or 34.

13:31 Mo’Nique It's a master plan both ways, though.

13:33 Adam No, no, no, no. We deal incrementally. Women, you know, dress size four, then a six. I mean, most guys don't know if a size 10 is a small woman or a large woman. Doesn't sound like a big dress.

13:47 Mo’Nique Double digits. She's a thick girl.

13:49 Adam If it's in a double digit.

13:51 Mo’Nique Right. If it's a size 10, she's kind of thick.

13:53 Adam Where do dresses start? Do they start at four?

13:55 Mo’Nique You have some dresses that start at zero.

13:57 Drew But aren't sort of six, eight? Isn't the middle kind of six, eight?

14:00 Mo’Nique Right. Like that's a medium.

14:02 Drew So, 10 would be sort of...

14:04 Mo’Nique A 10, you're thick. You're not fat, but you're thick. You're not considered a skinny woman.

14:09 Adam Now, so 14 is where your clothing line is going to start.

14:13 Mo’Nique Right. That's where it starts.

14:15 Adam And it ends at 32.

14:17 Mo’Nique Right.

14:17 Adam And after 32, you got to just size yourself up for a casket, like a piano box. You take a piano box, you put holes in the bottom of it, and you put rope around it for shoulder straps. Don't do it Adam.

14:28 Mo’Nique Let's behave.

14:29 Adam What is 32, though? I mean, what are we at there?

14:32 Mo’Nique At a 32, you may be about, as far as weight, you may be about 250, 260.

14:37 Adam Oh, really?

14:38 Mo’Nique That's not that big.

14:39 Adam Yeah. Then after that, where you had custom stuff? I mean, what I'm saying is, do they make clothing lines for the super jumbo? Oh, yeah.

14:48 Mo’Nique They make like 4X, 5X, 6X. But with my clothing line, because it is mini skirts, because it is form-fitting and it's tight, we have to keep it at a 32.

14:58 Adam I see.

14:59 Mo’Nique Because after that, it's not as tasteful for what my line of clothing is.

15:04 Adam Is this for all ethnicities? Because black women can get away with a 32 skin-tight dress. It's an eyeful, but they can somehow pull it off. You blacks are so lucky with your apparel. You really are.

15:18 Mo’Nique Thank you so much.

15:19 Adam A black guy can wear any hat he wants, for instance. White guy, no way. No way is a white guy wearing like a fedora with a feather in it. You know what I mean?

15:28 Mo’Nique Well, no, if you saw the movie, the special HBO, Pimp's Up, Hoes Down, Mr. White Man had on a fedora, a hat with a fedora, yes.

15:36 Adam Yeah, but that's a white guy who thinks he's black, which is different.

15:40 Mo’Nique But he was still a white man.

15:41 Adam All right, but other white guys were laughing at him. Black guys wear whatever hats, whatever jackets, they can wear whatever they want, whatever jewelry.

15:48 Drew And it looks good.

15:49 Adam Yeah, no way a white guy can get away with some of that jewelry. You know what I'm saying? We're very limited as white people. We can wear sweatpants and t-shirts. That's all. Talk about oppressed. Please, how dare you? And also, by the same token, black women, I've seen some voluptuous black women with an emphasis on the chest. That's always nice. It's a nice distraction there. But they can wear some tight stuff, some form-fitting dresses, some miniskirts, and sort of pull it off. A white chick tries to put her big white ass into that. It's not pretty.

16:25 Mo’Nique I think. Now, Adam said that, white women.

16:29 Adam It's true.

16:30 Mo’Nique But I think with black women, we're very shapely. At a size zero or a size 32, we're very shapely women. And with white women, they can also wear my line of clothing. It's just that they have to get girdles to position it the right way. To enhance what may not be there and pull back what's there too much.

16:50 Adam Black women definitely look better bigger in clothes and out of clothes, too. And I was just thinking a second ago, it's really the opposite of cars, meaning black car shows off the dirt and a white car looks better, stays cleaner longer. It's the opposite with people. Black women don't show off the flaws as much and white women do. Do you know what I'm saying? Do you know what I'm saying?

17:14 Drew I'm just taking it in.

17:16 Adam You get a black car and that one day after the car wash can look like hell. White car can look good for two weeks even parked under the same trees, the black car. But when it comes to naked bodies and flesh, it's the exact opposite.

17:29 Mo’Nique Well, have you seen a black woman's voluptuous naked body?

17:33 Adam Yeah. I've seen a lot of pictures. I've never actually been with a black woman, but I enjoy them. I mean, through the magic of video and publications. I do. I do. I like black women.

17:45 Mo’Nique All right. Well, then you enjoy the magazine.

17:47 Adam You got a magazine?

17:49 Mo’Nique Yes. The catalog is actually coming out September 1st.

17:51 Adam Oh, really?

17:52 Mo’Nique Yes. Yes. And it's white women and black women in there.

17:55 Adam Now, is it because the women are bigger, is it a thicker catalog or does that not make sense? Is there less women you can squeeze onto each page?

18:02 Mo’Nique Give me a brick, Dr. Drew. Give me a brick.

18:06 Adam Are you in the catalog?

18:07 Mo’Nique Yes, I am, of course.

18:08 Adam And you're going to be modeling all the clothing?

18:10 Mo’Nique Well, actually, we did a nation-wide model search for women all over the country, and the response was overwhelming, and we selected eight ladies.

18:17 Adam That's for hefty women, though, right?

18:19 Mo’Nique That's for hefty women.

18:21 Adam Let me let you in on something. You don't have to travel that far to find the hefty women who want to pack their ass into a women's shirt.

18:27 Mo’Nique Well, actually, I found that in California, the women weren't too proud of being hefty women.

18:33 Adam I see.

18:34 Mo’Nique But all over the country, like especially down south. Oh, my God. They love eating biscuits and gravy.

18:39 Adam I know. But are they happy about it?

18:41 Mo’Nique Very much so. We had a huge, huge response from down south. Yeah.

18:47 Adam And so these women, you pick some of them, they model the stuff. You designed the stuff?

18:52 Mo’Nique I am the designer.

18:53 Adam And then it's just emaciated Indonesian kids who put it together. Isn't that ironic? 400 pound women wear it. 80 pound Indonesian kids actually sew it together.

19:06 Mo’Nique No, actually, the production line is in New York.

19:09 Adam I see.

19:09 Mo’Nique Yeah.

19:10 Adam Still with the Indonesian kids, but in New York.

19:12 Mo’Nique No, we didn't use those little Indonesian kids.

19:14 Adam All right. Now, is it, and you just order it via the catalog, all this stuff?

19:18 Mo’Nique Yes, or internet.

19:20 Adam I see.

19:21 Mo’Nique Yes.

19:21 Adam And it's a little more expensive, right? A little more fabric? Actually, no.

19:25 Mo’Nique I kept it very reasonable. But it does actually make sense because it's a lot more fabric, but I kept it very reasonable.

19:30 Adam Yeah. But that's how you know women's clothing is overpriced in general, which is it has nothing to do with the amount of fabric in it. And to me, blouse should be like a sandwich. Yeah. Big sandwich costs more than a small sandwich. It doesn't work that way with women's clothing.

19:46 Drew These days, it doesn't work.

19:47 Mo’Nique I do, but I agree with that, Adam.

19:49 Adam Yeah. You should charge a little more.

19:51 Drew Think about these restaurants. You have a little teeny piece of food and very expensive.

19:54 Adam Well, that's true, Drew. Again, you've brought the show to a grinding halt. Raquel?

20:00 Yes.

20:00 Adam You're 16. What's up?

20:05 Caller Okay. There's nothing wrong with me in my vaginal area. But when I have intercourse, the inner lips swell up enormously and it takes a few days to go down.

20:18 Drew How do you know there's nothing wrong?

20:20 Caller Huh?

20:20 Drew How do you know that there's nothing wrong?

20:22 Caller Because I looked at it and there's no bumps or anything like that.

20:28 Drew Why don't you have something to look at? I've had some training. Why don't you have somebody to look at who has a little training?

20:33 Caller I have.

20:34 Drew What did the doctor say?

20:36 Caller That I don't have anything. I've been tested and everything like that.

20:40 Adam Why don't you just go ahead and cite that example right off the top? You know what I mean? I had a doctor look at it.

20:46 Caller Sorry.

20:47 Adam There you go.

20:48 Drew And are you guys going at it for a long time?

20:52 Caller I haven't lately, but for a while, yeah.

20:57 Mo’Nique Is it the same person?

20:58 Caller Yeah.

20:59 Adam Did she answer that question?

21:00 Drew I couldn't quite get it. I think it was yes.

21:03 Adam Do you have sex for long periods of time?

21:06 Caller Yeah.

21:07 Adam You do?

21:08 Caller Yeah.

21:08 Adam OK. Well, maybe that's it.

21:10 Drew Your body is only... I know that the music and everything and the culture will leave you to believe that you're supposed to do it for a long, long time. But in reality, most people can't go that long.

21:20 Caller Yeah.

21:21 Drew OK. And it hurts you to go too long. You'll start getting urine infections and all kinds of good stuff.

21:26 Caller I checked for that too because I was urinating frequently and I had a pelvis examination and they couldn't find anything.

21:33 Drew But it's all that's from the irritation you're causing down there.

21:35 Adam Are you lubricated?

21:38 Caller Yeah.

21:39 Adam OK.

21:40 Drew Take it easy.

21:41 Take it easy.

21:42 Adam Well, let me ask you, Drew, I've never, stop flipping that, please. I've never, I can hear it.

21:48 Drew Oh my God.

21:49 Adam Well, you can hear it through your goddamn mic. What are you talking about? Jesus Christ.

21:54 Drew Monique, don't breathe.

21:55 Mo’Nique It's a lot of love in this room right about now.

21:57 Adam Anderson, can you hear it when he flips the thing?

21:59 Drew What's my pulse rate right now? Can you hear my heartbeat?

22:00 Adam I hope it's stopped. Now, here's what I want to say. We've never gotten into this before, my recollection.

22:06 Drew All right.

22:08 Adam How long, the human body is set up to be able to do certain things for certain periods of time. Your muscles get too much lactic acid in them after a certain period of time. It's all designed to sort of protect you in a way, right?

22:22 Drew Right.

22:23 Adam How long was the body designed to have sex for? I know it varies, but what I mean is, is didn't nature sort of have a plan?

22:31 Drew Yeah.

22:31 Adam I mean, it wasn't the four hour sting tantric sex marathon.

22:36 Drew No. In fact, the quicker you could make the exchange, the more likely you would have completed it.

22:40 Adam The more efficient, the better.

22:42 Drew Yeah.

22:42 Adam But what I'm saying is, is I don't know if anyone's ever done a study on this.

22:46 Drew So you and I are meant to allow our genetic material to move along.

22:51 Adam Right, right. So maybe the way the human or the female anatomy is, and maybe the male for that part, but especially the female, maybe it's sort of designed by nature to be good for eight minutes.

23:03 Drew Yeah.

23:04 Adam Or six minutes.

23:05 Mo’Nique For a man.

23:06 Adam For a woman. You know what I'm saying?

23:08 Drew Some people. Not Monique.

23:10 Mo’Nique Okay, count me out of that one.

23:12 Adam No, no, not you.

23:13 Mo’Nique Okay.

23:14 Adam No.

23:15 Mo’Nique Yeah.

23:16 Drew But certainly 30 minutes and you'd be getting into trouble with most women.

23:19 Adam But what I'm saying is, what do you think the design is? You know what I mean?

23:26 Drew What's the time? Like horsepower?

23:27 Adam I know you're not going to be able to answer this, but what I mean is, all your parts, all the way you're laid out, you blink a certain amount an hour. There's a sort of design to that because it would screw up your eyeball to blink once a day. You blink 10,000 times a day. That's the way your eyeball is designed. And you swallow a certain amount an hour. That's the way your palate or your tongue or your belly or whatever is designed. There has to be some thought behind the vagina, is what I'm saying.

23:57 Drew I bet you for most women, you're in the 10, 15 minute range.

24:00 Adam Yeah, I mean, you think, but it's not even most women. I'm just curious what the overall plan is. I know you don't have an answer.

24:05 Caller What, for it to be enjoyable?

24:06 Drew Before they'll start to get irritation, yeah.

24:09 Mo’Nique After about 8 to 10 minutes?

24:11 Drew 10 to 15 minutes, yeah.

24:12 Adam Come on, baby. Come on.

24:14 Mo’Nique No.

24:16 Adam What are you good for?

24:17 Mo’Nique I got a little hot there. About a good 30, 45.

24:20 Drew Yeah, 30, 45.

24:21 Mo’Nique Right.

24:22 Adam Yeah.

24:23 Mo’Nique Yeah, all right. What are you good for, Adam?

24:25 Adam Oh, listen, with you?

24:27 Mo’Nique Right.

24:28 Adam With you, 45, 50.

24:32 Mo’Nique Seconds.

24:32 Adam Within, yeah. Yeah, sure. A week later. But, yeah. With those non plus size, that's it, four or five seconds. I'm scared I'm going to break them like a number two pencil.

24:44 Mo’Nique See, that's why it's good to have a big woman.

24:46 Adam Oh, yeah.

24:46 Mo’Nique Right. So those little skinny women can't handle all of that.

24:49 Adam Yeah, you go at Monique like a cot mattress, you know, just pile on there. You couldn't hurt it. Just go to town.

24:57 Mo’Nique Okay. Make a girl happy.

24:59 Adam That's right.

24:59 Drew Me is a world class dick.

25:03 Adam But, but Drew, would you say that the woman was sort of, if you found the average length of the man, would you say that's about what the woman was designed for? Do you know what I'm saying? I'm talking about nature and its infinite wisdom and how it designs things.

25:19 Drew That's a good question.

25:20 Adam This is an interesting question we've never came came across here in five years.

25:23 Drew I think there's so much mismatch out there.

25:26 Adam All right.

25:27 Drew Hard to know.

25:28 Adam Monique?

25:29 Mo’Nique It's hard to know.

25:30 Adam Yeah. I'd give you whatever you needed. I'll tell you. And the oral too.

25:36 Mo’Nique All right, Adam. We might have to go to Recycl-A-Rolla here.

25:39 Drew Adam, not everyone has the control of the ninja like you do.

25:41 Adam Yeah. I do have ninja-like penis control. I really do.

25:45 Drew Most men that are going 30, 40 minutes in that category have trouble achieving orgasm.

25:51 Adam Interesting. That's what makes me such a catch. I go as long as I want. Absolutely.

25:56 Mo’Nique And still can come.

25:57 Adam Anytime. I could go for two hours and you could go-

26:03 Drew Now.

26:03 Adam Hey, The Parkers are going to be on in three minutes. Now is the time. I'd be done before the show started. All right. After two straight hours.

26:09 Mo’Nique You need to start a training program.

26:11 Adam I really should. I should come out with some sort of video. Aaron?

26:15 Yes.

26:15 Adam You're 25.

26:16 Caller Yes, I am.

26:17 Adam What's up? And I don't smell either.

26:19 Caller Excuse me?

26:20 Drew What if you go in three minutes just straight out?

26:23 Caller Huh?

26:23 Adam Could I? Hold on a second. I could go in either three minutes or I could go in three hours.

26:28 Drew Okay.

26:29 Adam It's always been that way. I don't know what it is.

26:32 Drew You studied with the- Hello? Amongst the great.

26:36 Adam It's, you know, some guys got it. Aaron?

26:38 Drew Yes, I suppose.

26:39 Adam Could use a little bigger penis, but you're 25. What's up?

26:43 Caller Yeah, I am 25. Sorry, I'm going in and off to Aaron.

26:46 Adam Yeah, that's fine. Go ahead. I'm doing that to you.

26:48 Caller Okay.

26:49 Adam What's your question?

26:50 Caller Well, it's kind of an odd one. I'm dating a guy who is, who I just found out is a girl.

27:02 Adam I see.

27:03 Caller And I've been dating him for a while, and I just found this out, and so I'm just kind of...

27:06 Drew Well, now, these days, I sort of have to ask the question, what do you mean? Does that mean he doesn't have a penis?

27:16 Caller Well, from, yeah, from what I understand.

27:19 Drew He's at somebody...

27:20 Caller His cousin told me.

27:23 Adam His cousin, he used to be a guy, or he is?

27:27 Caller Is a girl.

27:28 Drew I mean, who is?

27:30 Caller He's a girl pretending to be a guy.

27:33 Mo’Nique He's always been a girl.

27:37 Adam Let's call him she now. It's gonna be better.

27:40 Caller Yeah, that's right.

27:41 Adam She is a girl who's pretending to be a guy, like Victor Victoria.

27:45 Caller He is like, swift in me.

27:47 Drew Is this in preparation for a surgery or something?

27:51 Caller I don't know.

27:52 Drew It's not as though.

27:53 Adam I like this. Aaron doesn't sweat the details.

27:56 Drew He runs for cover.

27:57 Caller The details of just, I don't know the details.

28:00 Drew Adam, he discovered it this evening and runs to the telephone to call Loveline.

28:04 Adam Where did you meet this girl?

28:06 Caller Where did I meet him, her?

28:09 Adam I'm just calling her girl just for the sake of clarity here. Where?

28:12 Caller Okay, at First Avenue, here in Minneapolis.

28:14 Adam I see.

28:15 Caller At a nightclub.

28:16 Adam I see. And you're gay, right?

28:18 Caller Yeah.

28:19 Adam And you thought you're getting a guy.

28:21 Caller Yeah.

28:22 Adam And how come you didn't consummate the relationship, you didn't go for the junk, you didn't notice that there was absence of penis?

28:34 Caller We hadn't gone there yet.

28:35 Adam You hadn't gone there.

28:36 Drew How long were you dating?

28:37 Caller I think we made out and we've done some oral sex, but it wasn't like full on.

28:43 Adam Well, hold on a second. Some oral sex?

28:46 Mo’Nique Who did the oral sex to who?

28:48 Caller Who do you think?

28:49 Adam Well, they did it.

28:50 Caller Exactly.

28:52 Adam She did it to Aaron.

28:54 Mo’Nique Did you even try to touch it?

28:57 Caller Well, no. No, not really.

29:01 Drew How come?

29:03 Caller I don't know.

29:04 Mo’Nique Does she have breast?

29:06 Caller Not that I know of. I mean, I've felt him. I've touched him and it didn't feel like it.

29:10 Mo’Nique Well, some women can be flat chested.

29:13 Caller Excuse me?

29:14 Mo’Nique Some women can be very flat chested. Yes, very.

29:17 Caller Yeah, that's true.

29:17 Adam Yeah. Monique makes fun of those kind of women.

29:20 Caller I mean, I'm just curious.

29:22 Mo’Nique I would be willing to share some of mine.

29:24 Caller I'm just curious how I'm supposed to bring it up. I mean, he's feminine, but feminine in the way that most gay men are feminine. So in a way, it makes sense. But at the same time, it's just like it doesn't seem like it's any more feminine than most gay guys are.

29:39 Adam And listen, I remember the first time a woman performed oral sex on me.

29:43 Caller You remember the first time a woman that was, or a man that was actually a woman performed oral sex on you?

29:48 Adam That's right. I felt betrayed. I felt dirty.

29:50 Caller Yeah.

29:50 Adam I felt like I couldn't get cool.

29:51 Caller You've got a lot in common.

29:52 Adam I felt ashamed. But you're all gay. You're not bi, right?

29:58 Caller No, no, no, not at all.

29:58 Adam So did you feel betrayed?

30:01 Caller Yeah, exactly.

30:03 Drew Deceived.

30:04 Caller I've been with a lot of guys who lied and then here, he is saying that he's going to be this honest person. When you find out, it's like this huge lie.

30:13 Adam Were you in love with her?

30:14 Caller It's up to a person.

30:15 Adam Were you in love with her? Him? It?

30:19 Caller Kind of, yeah. I think I have a lot of feelings for him.

30:22 Drew How long had you dated?

30:23 Caller About two months. I've known him, her for about four months. That's the thing that trips me out.

30:28 Adam Hold on one second. Hold on a second. By the way, if you're dating a guy, whether it's heterosexual or gay relationship, and it's two months into it, and he ain't throwing the junk in your face, you can just go ahead and assume there ain't no junk to throw. Do you know what I mean?

30:48 Drew Or it's a girl.

30:49 Adam A gay man dates a guy for two months, playing a coy, not going for the junk. Are you kidding me? That's why you go gay, so you can get some that night.

30:58 Mo’Nique He didn't feel the junk stiffen up. I mean, what?

31:02 Adam I think we should call. Yeah, Aaron really has some problems. Aaron?

31:06 Caller Yeah?

31:07 Adam What's this person's name?

31:08 Caller Joe.

31:09 Adam Joe?

31:10 Caller Joe.

31:12 Adam Probably like Joanne or something.

31:13 Drew Mary Jo.

31:14 Adam Can we?

31:15 Caller Mary Jo, that's my mom's name.

31:16 Adam Oh, that's going to add 10 minutes to the masturbatory session tonight.

31:21 Caller Come on.

31:22 Adam Can we? No, I meant mine. Can we? Let's give Joe a call. Let's get this straightened out.

31:28 Caller Let's rather not.

31:28 Adam What do you say? Why not? You want to get to the truth, right? You don't know how to do it yourself.

31:34 Caller No, I don't.

31:35 Adam Aaron, you know what happens when you sit back and rely on your own instincts? Yeah. You get a vagina.

31:41 Caller Yeah, exactly.

31:43 Adam I'd like to take Aaron out shopping with me.

31:46 Caller Take me out shopping with you?

31:47 Adam Yeah. Find me some vagina.

31:51 Caller No, stop. Sure.

31:53 Adam We'll go vagina shopping.

31:54 Drew Wherever it's hidden.

31:55 Adam Yeah. It's hiding somewhere. Check under every rind.

31:58 Caller Trust me. And I heard what you were saying. If a guy isn't throwing his junk up in your face, then he ain't got junk to throw.

32:04 Adam That's right.

32:05 Caller That's not true because I wasn't throwing my junk in her or his face.

32:11 Adam You got yourself a BJ a week into it.

32:14 Caller Trust me. And I haven't tried to do anything like that yet.

32:18 Adam You still got a BJ from it, right?

32:21 Caller I have, as a matter of fact.

32:23 Drew Yeah. Okay.

32:24 Adam Well, there you go.

32:25 Caller A BJ.

32:26 Adam All right. Hey, Aaron. Yeah. Why did her cousin tell you? What are you doing talking to the cousin?

32:32 Drew Is that a reliable source?

32:33 Caller I don't know.

32:34 Adam All right. Well, let's call the person and get to the bottom of this.

32:37 Caller That's not.

32:38 Adam Why not? You're scared of the truth?

32:41 Caller Yeah.

32:42 Adam Okay. All right. Well, as long as you're honest about it. What's that?

32:46 Caller Can you blame a person?

32:47 Adam No. But what's wrong with your antenna? How did it get so bent that you got hooked up with this person?

32:53 Caller I don't know. I mean, that's the thing that blows my mind away. I mean, how do you not know that a guy is a girl?

33:01 Adam I don't know.

33:02 Caller I mean, like I said, he seems feminine, but no more feminine than any other gay man seems.

33:08 All right.

33:09 Adam All right. Aaron.

33:10 Caller You saw boys don't cry.

33:11 Jesus.

33:12 Caller Come on. Give me a break. I don't know. I don't know.

33:15 Adam All right. All right. Let me pick your next guy. I don't know. Call him and confront him tomorrow or something.

33:20 Drew Yeah. You got to have a talk with her. What are you going to say?

33:24 Adam You know, it's funny though. You hear about this the other way around all the time. Guy hooking up with what he thinks is a chick turns out to be a guy, and then we all retch and go, I can't believe that. No, it's disgusting. When you hear about it this way, it's not so bad.

33:41 Drew Except we're airing wretches.

33:42 Adam Well, airing wretches, but to us, it's just kind of funny. As a matter of fact, it's like, ah, she did you a favor. Come on, come on, buddy. Trying to bring you back. All right.

33:51 Mo’Nique I did not know.

33:53 Adam All right, Monique is all right.

33:54 Drew We did not help Aaron one bit.

33:56 Adam No, I know, but what are we going to tell her? We wanted to talk to her.

33:59 Drew It would be nice to talk to her, even if you would let us talk to her ourselves, just to probe into what's going on there.

34:04 Adam All right, well, I'm not doing any more probing with her. I'll tell you what, you talk during the break, all right? Yeah, because we'll keep Aaron on hold. You do your probing using your magic wand there. We'll take a little break and we'll be back after this.

34:18 Mo’Nique We about to get funky, yo.

34:21 This is Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. We'll be right back.

35:01 Adam Yeah, it is Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Darrell Hammond will be in here tomorrow night. He does all the good voices on Saturday Night Live, Clinton and everybody. He's really a talented guy, Darrell Hammond is.

35:18 Drew Spent some time in jail?

35:19 Adam Yeah, Darrell Hammond, last time he was in here, was talking about, I guess he did some standup on a cruise line. I think it was a Disney cruise line.

35:28 Drew Is that right?

35:29 Adam Somewhere in the Bahamas and got off and somebody, I don't know, gave him a line of coke and he got busted. Before he knew it, he was in some prison like.

35:41 Drew Like Midnight Express.

35:42 Adam Midnight Express, right? His dad had to come get him and he was in there for months. And it was like just the Disney boat pulled out and left him. And it was a bizarre story and he was telling it. And I was kind of making my standard jokes. And he wasn't laughing. It had been some years, but he clearly was not over that experience. And was not excited about me cracking prison jokes either. And he was close to tears, I'd say, at certain points of that story. But all comedians are nuts, especially ones who do impressions. Anyway, Monique is our guest tonight. Monday night, it's 8.30 UPN. She's on the Parkers.

36:27 Mo’Nique Yes.

36:27 Adam Yes. What do you want to say about those Parkers?

36:29 Mo’Nique You know what? It's a wonderful show. Right now, it is the number one show in African-American households. It is the highest-rated African-American sitcom, period, on all channels in history. It actually has the highest numbers. So we're very proud of that.

36:43 Drew Not to ask the obvious question, but what note do you think it's sort of, why does it ring true for so many people?

36:49 Mo’Nique Because I think it's real life. I don't think it's a lollipop story. I think that it's totally true reactions. Everyone, maybe black, white, Chinese, Italian, everyone has a Nikki and Kim Parker in their family. Everyone has that crazy aunt and that silly cousin. Or people look at Nikki Parker and say, that's my mother, that's my sister, that's my auntie. So it was just true to life. And I think that's why the show is so successful.

37:14 Drew Not the Carollas, however.

37:16 Adam No. I never had any aunts or uncles or nieces or nephews.

37:23 Drew Not that you could call living.

37:25 Adam Right.

37:25 Drew They're barely, yeah.

37:27 Adam I had like an uncle, Ralph, in Philadelphia. He was just sort of sat around and collected disability. And Uncle Mario in Philadelphia still lived at home. And my mom sort of locked herself in the room and waited to die. My dad read books and went on walks. There wasn't an argument. There was no excitement. You couldn't make a sitcom out of the Carolla house.

37:49 Mo’Nique No.

37:49 Adam Nothing going on.

37:51 Mo’Nique So that explains it, Adam.

37:52 Adam Yeah.

37:53 Mo’Nique That explains it. Yes. You had a lot of time on your hands.

37:56 Adam Oh, my God.

37:57 Mo’Nique Yeah.

37:58 Adam Did I ever.

37:58 Mo’Nique That's what I love about you. But if you did have an auntie, she would be like Nikki Parker.

38:02 Adam That's what I was saying to my mom the other day. I was cursing her for not having an auntie. Yes. You're 25. What's up?

38:13 Caller Basically, I've been seeing my boyfriend now. We've been friends for a year and a half. And we've been dating exclusively for a year now. And two weeks ago, he noticed about five red spots on his penis. So we went to the doctor and the doctor took a culture. And it turns out that it's herpes. Now, we don't know where he would have gotten it from because, you know, like I said, we've been monogamous for a year now. I went to my gynecologist and he said that everything looks fine on me.

38:42 Drew You've never had any mouth sores or anything like that?

38:45 Caller I've had cold sores in the past. I mean, never when I performed oral sex on him or anything like that.

38:52 Drew Not even any of these sort of premonitory symptoms like burning or tingling?

38:57 Caller I can't completely rule that out.

39:00 Drew Yeah.

39:00 Caller I guess that is definitely a possibility, but not to my knowledge. I mean, I'm usually pretty careful about that.

39:07 Drew The two sort of feasible explanations would be, A, he is strayed or B, it's something from your mouth. And it sounds more-

39:17 Caller In any way, it could have been just dormant for that long?

39:21 Drew Sure. Oh, absolutely.

39:22 Caller That's what my doctor had said.

39:23 Drew That's absolutely true. If he really, usually the initial outbreak is rather intense, but if he had actually, in fact, never noticed anything, but it had something at one time, yeah, it's possible.

39:34 Adam Dormant for what? A year and a half?

39:36 Drew Oh, it could be 10 years.

39:37 Caller We've been friends for a year and a half, but we've been dating exclusively for a year. So when we were just kind of friends there, he was seeing other people.

39:43 Drew The thinking now is that the majority of people, Adam loves this stuff, the majority of people with herpes don't know they have it. Really? Yeah.

39:52 Caller Well, yeah.

39:52 Adam According to Drew, everyone has everything.

39:54 Drew Everyone has what?

39:54 Adam We all have AIDS, herpes, and leprosy. We're just not aware of it.

39:59 Drew It's called Hansen's disease, my God.

40:01 Adam Listen, if you got something you don't know you got it, God bless you. I hope you never find out.

40:06 Caller My doctor said that he thinks that I'm fine, but my question to him was, I don't want to completely abandon the relationship now because I do, you know, I love him. But, you know, I asked him, you know, what does that mean? We just have protected sex. And my doctor said that while he does not have an outbreak, that there's not a risk of...

40:26 Drew That's not entirely accurate. There's certainly a substantially reduced risk, but it can still occur. There can be a transmission.

40:34 Adam Hey, Drew, but what about, you've spoken about this many a time, and you're sitting up here high in your ivory tower and you're playing it safe because you're not the one who has to don the condom with the person you may be married to or you may be thinking about getting married to or have a long-term committed, monogamous relationship with. But realistically, a person does not want to use a condom every time they make love to somebody they've been with for a couple of years and are serious about. So obviously, there is a chance that you could pass this on even when you're not having a breakout. But the question is, what are the chances when you're not having a breakout?

41:10 Drew If maybe an easier way to answer is to say, what would I do? All right, what would you do? I would use a condom.

41:16 Adam Bottle of peppermint schnapps and dive right in, right?

41:19 Drew Yeah. And then I'd reconsider.

41:21 Adam That's what I'd do with you, Monique.

41:25 Mo’Nique And bring it.

41:26 Adam That's right. I'm bringing it.

41:28 Drew The schnapps, that is. I would be very protected and careful, but I would definitely not leave the relationship. I would definitely not withhold anything. But I'd be very cautious and use all the reduction measures I could.

41:42 Adam Well, what do you mean? You're saying you use the condom every time?

41:45 Mo’Nique Yeah.

41:45 Drew Every time? Until you get married. And then if you're really going to get married, then forget it. Then I would just blow it off at that point.

41:52 Adam All right. But what you're saying is that's still not a great answer, because people don't know that. I mean, they can be in a committed relationship and not ready to get married. So don't want to use the condom.

42:01 Mo’Nique Then they'd have to use condoms.

42:02 Drew I'd be careful.

42:03 Adam All right. But wait a second. Is there any way to test for this when you're not having a breakout?

42:09 Drew No, because sometimes just the contact, in other words, the initiation of the transfer of the virus will stimulate an outbreak in both people.

42:19 Adam I see.

42:19 Drew So it's very hard to predict this. They should have some early response.

42:26 Adam Well, can't they work? I mean, put it this way. Let's say you have genital herpes, all right?

42:34 Drew I know you're going back to the dogs.

42:35 Adam No, I'm not, although I have an invention, which is venereal sniffing dogs, dogs that sniff it out. Dogs can tell. They got a serious nose on them. And they like to sniff the crotch area, so it's a natural. Now, here's what I'm saying. Let's say you have genital herpes, right? And you don't have a breakout. But there are times when you're going to have a breakout or you just had a breakout. There's times when there's probably more of that going on down there and times when there's less. But you can't tell because you're not seeing anything.

43:06 Drew It's an excellent idea.

43:08 Adam Is there a way to rub something across it and have it looked at?

43:12 Drew But it's an interesting idea. I do know somebody who's developing very, very intense sort of sensitive detection devices. I haven't talked to them about this. It's an interesting idea.

43:22 Adam Penanometer where you just shove your Johnson into a hole and it scans it and you pull it out.

43:28 Mo’Nique That takes all the fun away.

43:30 Adam You get the green light or the red light on the top thing.

43:32 Mo’Nique What happens if you get a yellow light?

43:34 Adam You got to do an Asian. I mean Oriental.

43:39 Mo’Nique Sorry.

43:40 Adam All right.

43:42 Unacceptable.

43:42 Adam Rob?

43:44 Caller Yeah, hi.

43:45 Adam You're 15. What's up?

43:46 Caller Hi, Rob.

43:47 Caller Hi. I want to know if it's okay to use saliva as a lubricant for masturbation.

43:54 Adam Yes. The pioneers do it all the time.

43:56 Drew What is it you're concerned about getting?

43:58 Caller Well, I don't know. It's just like...

44:01 Adam It's fine...

44:02 Caller .there could be any negative... Yeah.

44:04 Drew Nothing I could think of. I suppose, again, the herpes thing comes up. I mean, if you had some mouse sores or outbreaks.

44:08 Caller Oh, no. I'm still a virgin.

44:10 Drew Yeah, but everybody gets these sort of herpes around their mouth.

44:13 Adam My grandfather used to do it that way. Did he hurt you? He was Walrus Lard back then. I was in Hungary many years ago, about the turn of the century. They didn't have the Jergens and the...

44:24 Drew What do they call it then?

44:25 Adam Ponds and all that. But he said during the winter, when sometimes when they couldn't get the Walrus Lard, he'd actually have to use his own saliva. So, well, you know, he lived till 94, so it seemed to work out for him. All right, Rob, you're all right.

44:41 Caller All right, and one more question.

44:43 Adam No.

44:44 Caller I want to know if masturbation can cause acne.

44:48 Drew Yes. No. That's a friend of mine. If you have acne, go get that treated. There's no reason to walk around with that.

44:53 Mo’Nique Masturbation can actually clear up acne.

44:55 Drew Yeah, those kinds of theories circulate around, but the fact is it's a bacteria and you got to get that treated. Certainly, if you have cystic acne, Accutane is curative.

45:05 Adam Danielle?

45:06 Yes.

45:06 Adam You're 22.

45:07 Caller That's right.

45:08 Adam What's up?

45:09 Mo’Nique Hey, Danielle.

45:10 Caller Hi. I've masturbated with my plant about four times, and I was wondering if there's any type of bacteria or anything that I should be worried about.

45:24 Drew Masturbates with her plant.

45:26 Adam All right. This isn't wax fruit or anything, it's an actual house plant?

45:30 Caller That's correct.

45:31 It was sent to me in the mail.

45:32 Caller It was a bulb that grew.

45:34 Adam All right. It was a bulb that grew? All right. All right. Hold on a second. Yeah. You know, I've heard you're supposed to talk to your plants, but effing them seems to be taking it a little bit too far. It's really fun, actually. Well, hey, listen, if you can talk to a plant, why not eff them? You know what I mean?

45:52 Mo’Nique Is the plant growing?

45:54 Adam Uh, it does when it's on top of her. We'll take a little break. Mo'Nique is here from The Parkers. We'll come back. We'll talk to Danielle, who sits on her ivy after this.

46:12 Loveline will be right back.

46:46 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. This is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Daryl Hammond is going to be in here tomorrow night from Saturday Night Live, the guy that does all the voices. Tonight we have Monique. She is from The Parkers. Her and Countess Vaughn. Monday nights, 8.30 on UPN. And we're just talking off the air about nature's plan for humans, at least the biological creatures known as humans. And I just had an interesting thought. We were talking about earlier in the show how long guys could have sex and how the guys who got that seed out of them a little faster were more efficient back in the caveman days.

47:30 Drew More likely to reproduce.

47:32 Adam And just better off. I mean, you don't want to have your pants down and your back turned for too long.

47:39 Drew Or your dinosaur gets you or something.

47:39 Adam A wooly mammoth is going to put a tusk up your ass or something. You were in a hurry back then. And so it made me think, you know, guys now are made fun of for doing that. But in a way, biologically, it was almost a blessing.

47:54 Drew Oh, yeah.

47:54 Adam And then I was thinking about Monique's plus size clothing. And I thought, you know, we make fun of fat people now. But that's another biological thing from back when that they they store the fuel more efficiently.

48:08 Drew Oh, absolutely. They would need to eat as much and would still store.

48:13 Adam They eat a Danish to put on 25 pounds.

48:15 Caller Sexy.

48:17 Adam And if you're only eating one Danish every other week, that'd be a damn good way to be.

48:21 Drew And through history, that was considered very sexy and more appealing.

48:25 Exactly.

48:26 Caller Right.

48:27 Adam It's too bad there's not one big time machine we could all go back.

48:30 Mo’Nique But you know what? I think Monique is bringing that back. Nikki Parker is bringing that back.

48:36 Adam I see.

48:36 Mo’Nique We're redefining what beauty is.

48:38 Adam Sexy plus size. 14 to 32, everybody. Yes. But let me just give this word of caution to a lot of gals. And Monique, I don't want to rub you the wrong way here. But a lot of gals I see out there, they were big gals at one point. Maybe they were up around, let's say, three bills or something. Then they started dieting, they started exercising, they were feeling pretty good about themselves. And they lost 50, 75 pounds. So all of a sudden, they're packing their ass into that stuff they never dreamt they were getting their ass into. Cycling shorts and thong back this or tight tennis skirts or whatever. My point is, you may be 50 pounds lighter than you were before, but to me you're still 250 and that's too much for the cycling shorts. Do you know what I'm saying?

49:29 Mo’Nique I totally agree.

49:29 Adam I just want to put that out there.

49:31 Mo’Nique I totally agree. But see, it goes both ways. No, a girl at 250 cannot weigh that, but a girl at 25 pounds cannot weigh that either.

49:39 Adam No, she can try though.

49:41 Drew You and I were talking about last night how much attractiveness is sort of an illusion that people create for other people. You can be attractive with almost any attribute, with whatever facial features, any body features, people can make themselves attractive.

49:57 Adam Well, now listen, big gals are going to be, the people that are going to be attracted to big gals are guys who like big gals, and they're out there. We don't talk about it that much as a society. We just assume every guy wants a waif model, but there's plenty guys out there who want a big gal.

50:15 Mo’Nique But you know what I've been getting a lot lately? A lot of men, white and black, have been saying, oh my God, you are so sexy on that show.

50:22 Adam Mostly black, but yeah.

50:24 Mo’Nique Mostly black, but white men as well. But a lot of men I think now are looking at Nikki Parker or Monique saying, you know what, she is pretty. She is very sexy. She is gorgeous. So at one point when society said it was not cute or faboo to date a fat girl, well now it's being brought to the forefront that yeah, it is okay and you'll stay very warm on a cold night.

50:46 Adam Well living out in Southern California, I can risk that. I mean if I was in Idaho.

50:50 Mo’Nique And if an earthquake hit, you will be kept safe.

50:52 Adam That's true. That's true unless she rolls over and smashes you.

50:56 Drew Did you say that African American men tend to be more attractive?

50:59 Adam Oh yeah, of course. They love big women more.

51:01 Mo’Nique You was going to say fat.

51:03 Adam Yeah, they like fat women more.

51:04 Drew Is that true?

51:05 Mo’Nique But I'm real fat.

51:06 Adam Yeah, they do.

51:09 Mo’Nique I think that most African American women are women of size. We're not these size two and threes because that's just not in us. We're big women. We're big boned women. So, I think that even if you go back in history, most women were healthy women, women of size. It was the average size 14. Then we went through this whole period where I've got to lose weight. I've got to be small. I've got to be small. I've got to be small. Well, now we're back to that same period where the average size woman is a size 14.

51:39 Drew Where do you think that small stuff came from?

51:41 Mo’Nique I think Hollywood.

51:42 Drew Camera. The camera.

51:44 Mo’Nique Right. I think that all of the magazines. I think Hollywood said, Oh my, we have to see your rib cage. We need to see your spine. We need to see your heart beat.

51:53 Drew Is it Hollywood or is it Playboy?

51:55 Adam Gay designers. Yeah, that's who did it. The gays. They did it to straight guys and women.

52:02 Drew Don't you blame an ethnic group?

52:06 Adam Eskimo gays. There you go. Gay Eskimos.

52:11 Mo’Nique Gay Eskimos.

52:12 Drew Yeah.

52:13 Adam Now, I would be, the only reason I won't be with a big woman is because she'd make my penis look small.

52:19 Mo’Nique Well, if you knew what to do with your penis.

52:21 Adam Still.

52:21 Mo’Nique It could actually look very big.

52:22 Drew It might not make it.

52:24 Adam It's all relative.

52:25 Mo’Nique See, what I'm going to tell you, some animal for big girl, you have several options. You see what I'm saying? There's several places to go with a small penis.

52:33 Adam Really?

52:33 Mo’Nique Now, with a small girl, it's just like that. Hold on a second.

52:35 Adam You're talking about a roll of fat or you're talking about the ass?

52:38 Mo’Nique It depends on where you want to go. It depends. You can go in the back, in the side, on the leg, in the knee area, wherever you choose.

52:46 Adam The knee area?

52:48 Mo’Nique I made a video.

52:49 Adam Really? Do some knee humping.

52:52 Drew Adam, you haven't thought of this.

52:55 Adam This is interesting.

52:56 Drew Then a small penis would be an advantage.

52:58 Adam Yeah, because I could, like a ferret, I could tunnel.

53:02 Drew Right.

53:03 Adam That's right.

53:04 Drew And find every day a new opportunity.

53:06 Adam St. Bernard can't get in a foxhole, but a squirrel could. Interesting.

53:10 Mo’Nique They has advantages. Yes.

53:13 Adam All right then. Well, I'm sold.

53:16 Mo’Nique I thought I could.

53:17 Adam Danielle?

53:18 Caller Yes.

53:18 Adam All right. So you had sex with a house plant?

53:21 Caller That's correct.

53:22 Drew What does that mean? Help us understand what that would look like.

53:24 Caller Well, I masturbated with it. I masturbated with it on the outside of my vagina.

53:30 Drew What kind of planet was it?

53:32 Adam Yeah.

53:33 Drew Eggplant, cucumber.

53:35 Adam Jeremiah Johnson. You can't just go get it.

53:37 Drew It's Hewlett-Gibbons. What are you talking about?

53:38 Caller My mom sent me this Easter basket with bulbs. I don't know what kind it is.

53:43 Drew Help us understand.

53:45 Caller Well, it's really long. It's really phallic looking. It's just one. And it's actually a flower. So it grows up. It has a really thick stalk. And it's about to bud. And it's huge. The bud is, I don't know, maybe a little less than my hand. Like, that's how big it is. So that top part is really what I've been masturbating with.

54:07 Adam All right. And is it in a pot with soil in it?

54:12 Caller Yeah. Well, it comes, yeah, in a little basket and a little pot in there.

54:16 Adam Yeah. Well, how do you do that without turning the soil over and stuff?

54:20 Caller Well, I get on top of it.

54:21 Adam I see. Just put it on the ground.

54:23 Drew Couldn't you find other more sort of inert objects?

54:26 Adam You couldn't just use a lamp or something, you know?

54:29 Caller Well, this is so organic.

54:31 Drew Oh, yeah.

54:32 Adam Organic. Speaking of organic, do you have a little organic imbalance, you think?

54:40 Caller I don't know. I just, I started taking a psychology of ecology class and I totally got into my connection with nature. You were never culminated into...

54:52 Drew Do you hear voices or anything like that?

54:54 Caller No.

54:55 Adam You never raped by a topiary or anything?

54:58 Caller No.

54:58 Adam No. No one did anything strange to you?

55:02 Caller No.

55:02 Adam Come on.

55:04 Caller Nope.

55:04 Adam You got a man?

55:06 Caller No, I don't.

55:07 Adam Yeah. What a surprise. You into Wicca?

55:10 Caller No. No. I swear. I'm pretty stable.

55:15 Adam You're a plus size gal?

55:16 Caller I'm about to graduate. Hell. Well, I'm kind of a big girl, but not that big.

55:22 Adam Yeah. What are you going? What size are you going? I'm going to get you into some of Mo'Nique's sexy lingerie there.

55:28 Caller Um, what size? Yeah. Like 10?

55:32 Adam 10. Nah, that ain't going to do it. You got to step up to 14, sister. Right.

55:36 Mo’Nique Eat a little more. You may want to eat the plant. Then you can be some size 14.

55:41 Adam You do a lot of drugs? You smoke a lot of pot?

55:44 Caller Nope.

55:45 Adam Huh?

55:45 Drew No drugs?

55:46 Caller Well, I drink.

55:48 Adam Okay. Are you usually drunk when you mount the plant?

55:51 Caller Yeah.

55:51 Drew Yeah. Okay.

55:52 Adam Yeah.

55:53 Mo’Nique No, it's all making sense.

55:55 Adam Listen, I'll chip in and we'll all pass the hat and get you a vibrator.

56:00 Caller Well, because that's the thing, my vibrator broke, so.

56:03 Adam I see. I see. But let me ask you a hypothetical here, Daniel. If your car broke, would you drive your lawn to work or would you just fix the goddamn car? Do you know what I'm saying?

56:16 Drew Or get a new car?

56:17 Adam Yeah. Your vibrator broke, so you got to put a ficus up you. Just get a new car. Your car breaks, you don't drive your hedge to work.

56:25 Caller Well, you know, temporarily while I'm broke, it's a natural way.

56:29 Adam Honey, you can't drop $9.95 on your vagina. You'd rather suffer the indignity of squatting on a house plan?

56:37 Caller I don't know.

56:38 Adam All right. Hold on, hold on, you screwball. We got to take a break. I'm not done with Daniel. No. I know we've talked to her for a while, but I'm infinitely intrigued by her behavior. Monique is here from The Parkers. Monday night, say 30 UPN, we'll be back with Daniel and our happy plan after this.

56:53 Let's have some more fun.

56:54 Caller Okay, let's do it.

56:57 Caller Call Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

57:01 Loveline, we'll be right back.

57:44 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. He is Dr. Drew over there. Daryl Hammond from Saturday Night Live will be in here tomorrow night. Monique is in here tonight from The Parkers. Monday nights, 8.30 on UPN. And you can also see a nice spread on her in this week's TV guide. Apparently, it is out on the newsstands as we speak. And it's the black and white cover with Britney Spears on the cover.

58:13 Mo’Nique Are you hot, Daddy?

58:14 Adam Skinny white bitch. But the jumbo size chocolate goddess can be found inside. And I'm sure somewhere in that article, she talks about her plus size clothing line. Of course. You get lingerie in there too?

58:31 Mo’Nique Actually, the first line was no lingerie.

58:34 Adam I see.

58:35 Mo’Nique The first line is basically, you know, business, evening wear, casual, slacks, blouses.

58:41 Adam I see.

58:41 Mo’Nique Yeah.

58:42 Adam You're starting a little conservative and then making your way out?

58:46 Mo’Nique Well, yeah. You know, because basically, it was a lot of my stage clothes. You know, just traveling around the country, all the big girls were like, girl, where did you get that from? Well, it's my design. I made it. So I said when I could afford to mass produce it, I would do that. So basically, it's the stage clothes.

59:00 Adam Now, what do you mean it's your design? You made it. How's that work?

59:04 Mo’Nique I drew a picture and then I go to a seamstress and say, make this, my design.

59:10 Adam Really?

59:10 Mo’Nique Yeah.

59:11 Adam I got to start doing that.

59:12 Yeah.

59:13 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

59:15 Drew That'll be you.

59:17 Adam As it is, I wear the cramp people give me.

59:20 Mo’Nique That's my design. And I must tell you that in that TV Guide article on the big picture, those jewels that I had on was $300,000.

59:29 Adam Or the jewels.

59:29 Mo’Nique Yes. And they had security all around me the whole time we did that photo shoot. And I said keep them close. I didn't always tell jokes. I knew I had a show.

59:39 Adam And, uh, and you might make it. You didn't trust yourself, in other words.

59:44 Mo’Nique You're right.

59:44 Adam Let me see that picture, Drew.

59:45 Mo’Nique And if you look at it real close, you can only see one earring.

59:48 Adam Well, why did you have 300 grand worth of jewelry on?

59:51 Mo’Nique Because they wanted to really, really make it special.

59:53 Adam I see that. Well, when I go to the Oscars, I'm going to have Jose of Beverly Hills do my jewelry. That's, that's my dream. Uh, all right. So, Danielle.

1:00:05 Caller Yeah.

1:00:05 Adam All right. We're still not quite done with you. We've spoken to you for some time, but your mom sent you an Easter basket.

1:00:12 Caller Right.

1:00:12 Adam Easter, for Christ's sake. Do you realize that's when Christ rose from the dead? Is that when he did that? Is that on Easter?

1:00:20 Caller Yes.

1:00:21 Adam Is that? Yeah. Christmas is his birthday or is that when he got nailed to the cross? That's his birthday? Wait a minute. Christ. Oh yeah. Yeah. Easter. Yeah. Christmas must be Christ's birthday and Easter is when he rose up because he rose up a few days after they put him down, right? They buried him under a rock and then he climbed out and he ascended to heaven. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Yeah. So that's how I know. He doesn't help me, but I still have a personal relationship with him. So your mom sends you this Easter basket. You plant one of the bulbs. Then some weeks later, your vibrator goes on the fritz, and which could have been a sign from God. And so you mount the plant and the plant is phallic shaped.

1:01:10 Caller Right.

1:01:11 Adam Now you put the plant down and you just sort of squat on it.

1:01:14 Caller That's correct.

1:01:15 Adam Yeah. You put the plant in you.

1:01:18 Caller I do both. Well, first I start out on the outside and then I insert it.

1:01:23 Adam I see. And it doesn't get a little tiring, bending down in that sort of sumo wrestler?

1:01:29 Caller No, I've got a chair.

1:01:30 Adam Oh, you use a chair? Yeah. Does the chair have a hole in it?

1:01:35 Caller No, no, I can hold the plant up.

1:01:38 Adam I see.

1:01:39 Mo’Nique This is a very strong plant.

1:01:42 Caller Yeah, it's held up.

1:01:44 Adam Yeah. The plant has crabs and her vagina has aphids. It's the first time it's ever happened in history. And you have an orgasm this way.

1:01:55 Caller That's correct.

1:01:56 Adam Uh-huh. And it seems like maybe you need a man.

1:02:03 Caller Well, you know, I've had my share of them.

1:02:05 Adam Oh, yes.

1:02:05 Caller I was taking a break, you know.

1:02:07 Adam I see. I see. And did some of those guys do you wrong?

1:02:13 Caller Not necessarily. I mean, a couple have been, you know, ass of jerks, but, but, you know.

1:02:20 Adam Do you have any kids?

1:02:22 Caller No.

1:02:22 Adam Oh, thank God. And are you worried about the plant knocking you up and you giving birth to a chia, chia pad or something?

1:02:30 Caller Who knows what will happen?

1:02:31 Adam I see. Oh, you should always wear a condom.

1:02:34 Mo’Nique A plant, baby.

1:02:35 Adam That little, you know, lamb come out of you covered with moss. That'd be very disturbing.

1:02:40 Mo’Nique Have your own little green house.

1:02:41 Adam That's right. All right.

1:02:43 Mo’Nique Well, are you going to try any other kind of plants?

1:02:45 Caller Well, this one just was begging me for it. I don't know.

1:02:50 Drew What is your question for us?

1:02:51 Adam I know what it is.

1:02:52 Drew Hold on.

1:02:53 Adam I know what it's like when you walk into a herb garden and the plant's giving you that come on look.

1:02:59 Caller Yes.

1:03:00 Adam Yeah. You want some look?

1:03:02 Caller Yeah. It was just so phallic.

1:03:04 Drew All right. Danielle, what are you asking us? What would you like from us?

1:03:07 Caller My question was, is there any bacteria or anything that I should be worried about?

1:03:12 Mo’Nique Of course.

1:03:13 Drew Yeah. Let me think of a specific.

1:03:16 Adam Do you know what kind of plant it is?

1:03:19 Caller No, I don't.

1:03:20 Caller Let me see.

1:03:21 Adam All right. Drew, you know about anything?

1:03:24 Drew I'm just trying to think of any. I guess it's usually just sort of the ground pathogens, the tetanus and the staph and those are the sort of usual bacteria, but nothing special that I can think of that would be issued from a plant.

1:03:37 Mo’Nique All right.

1:03:38 Adam Hey, Danielle, I'd like to see you move up to a dog or possibly a goat.

1:03:42 Drew No, no, no.

1:03:43 Mo’Nique Could you do that?

1:03:44 Adam I'd like to see you evolve a little bit.

1:03:46 Drew At least, yeah, at least the animal kingdom.

1:03:48 Caller Yeah, yeah.

1:03:50 Caller Well, if that happens, I'll let you know.

1:03:52 Adam Yeah, start small with, let's say, a reptile or maybe an amphibious creature. Yeah. And then-

1:03:59 Mo’Nique Girl, stick with those plants.

1:04:00 Adam Work your way up into a mammal. Don't do it. And then eventually a man at a certain point. Oh, for Christ's sake. I'm dumbfounded. I've never had that question. Have we, Drew?

1:04:11 Drew No, that was a new one.

1:04:12 Adam All right. Jeremy?

1:04:14 Caller Yes.

1:04:14 Adam You're 20. What's up?

1:04:16 Caller Well, I just got out of prison about six months ago.

1:04:20 Adam What were you in for?

1:04:22 Caller A residential burglar.

1:04:23 Adam Oh, I see. That's good.

1:04:25 Caller And I can't, I don't know how to make a friend. You know, you know that.

1:04:30 Drew How long were you in for?

1:04:32 Caller What?

1:04:33 Drew How long were you in for?

1:04:34 Caller I was in since June of 98 till December of 99.

1:04:40 Drew So, like, since he was 18, basically.

1:04:41 Caller Yeah.

1:04:42 Drew Have you ever had friends?

1:04:44 Caller Well, I really can't call them friends.

1:04:46 Adam Just guys in the joint?

1:04:48 Caller No, it's, you know, my old drug friend.

1:04:52 Drew Are you doing drugs now?

1:04:53 Caller No. Wonderful.

1:04:54 Drew Are you in recovery?

1:04:56 Caller Yeah, I've been in recovery for about a year and a half now.

1:04:59 Drew Why don't you have friends in the program?

1:05:03 Caller I'm too scared to, you know, have friends that actually did it. Then they go back to it and then, you know, I don't know.

1:05:11 Drew How about your sponsor?

1:05:13 Caller I don't have a sponsor.

1:05:14 Drew Okay, so you're not in the program.

1:05:16 Caller It's not an A.

1:05:17 Drew Yeah. Why don't you go get in the program and get a sponsor and start developing relationships that way? Otherwise, the kinds of relationships you choose are going to be built on some leftover business from your past. And the issue in recovery in a 12-step program is people who are available to you unconditionally. And choose someone who's been in the program for 10 years at least to be your sponsor and let them help you make choices about who to develop friendships with, who's likely to stay sober. There are plenty of people in the program that other people know are not likely to be with it, but you as a newcomer may not see that.

1:05:50 Adam Yeah. You guys can all chain smoke and drink three pots of coffee after the meeting and bond. Yeah. Seriously, you will make a lot of friends in those programs.

1:06:00 Drew Yeah.

1:06:00 Adam Get involved in the program. The friend thing will take care of itself. But Jeremy, it's not different on the outside than it is in the joint. You want to make a friend, you can get a carton of cigarettes.

1:06:12 Caller All right. Not like that. I'm around the world right now. I keep on hearing a whole bunch of stuff on people are cracking on prisoners. I keep on hearing people I know crack on prisoners. I wonder if they find out that I've been in there.

1:06:32 Drew Listen, get in the program. Plenty of former prisoners there.

1:06:36 Adam Yeah, they're all there. All right. Listen, you don't want to relapse, do you, or relapse? No. All right. Well, get in the program. All right. You'll make friends and you won't relapse.

1:06:47 Drew It'll be healthy for you. You also-

1:06:49 Adam Free cookies too. There you go. That's all right. Kelly?

1:06:54 Caller Yeah.

1:06:55 Adam You're 16.

1:06:56 Mo’Nique Yeah. Hey, Kelly.

1:06:58 Caller Hi.

1:06:58 Adam That's Mo'Nique.

1:06:59 Caller Hi.

1:07:00 Adam She's a plus-size model.

1:07:02 Mo’Nique Oh.

1:07:02 Drew And with her own clothing line.

1:07:03 Adam And has her own clothing line.

1:07:05 Mo’Nique And my TV show, The Parkers.

1:07:07 Adam That's right.

1:07:08 Mo’Nique That you need to be watching, Kelly.

1:07:09 Caller I do.

1:07:10 Mo’Nique All right, girl.

1:07:11 Adam Monday nights, 8.30. You p.m. What's up?

1:07:14 Caller What's up? My question was, when I mess around with guys, the next day, I feel like physically like sick and I feel like disgusted with myself.

1:07:25 Adam Same here, but then I just go back and do it again.

1:07:27 Drew Have you ever had a boyfriend?

1:07:30 Caller No, not seriously.

1:07:31 Drew Do you want one?

1:07:32 Caller No.

1:07:33 Adam How many? Why don't you want one?

1:07:35 Caller I don't know. I'm just like, I don't know. I just like, I see guys and I like them. I think they're cute and everything. And I, but I wouldn't.

1:07:43 Adam How many guys you mess around? How many guys you mess around with?

1:07:47 Probably like three or four.

1:07:48 Drew And what does that, what does making out mean to you? I mean, what does it you do?

1:07:52 Caller Oh, I've had guys perform oil sex on me and...

1:07:56 Drew Isn't it interesting how they describe that as making out? What? Nothing.

1:08:00 Mo’Nique But Kelly, you think you feel disgusted because you're not ready?

1:08:03 Caller I don't know.

1:08:04 Adam Well, here's the part that makes me a little suspicious. Doesn't want a boyfriend. Where's Dan?

1:08:10 Caller I'm involved in like sports and school and stuff.

1:08:12 Adam Oh, okay. Well, if you're bouncing a ball, that's different. Now it's okay.

1:08:17 Drew In other words, you have other priorities?

1:08:19 Mo’Nique Yeah.

1:08:20 Drew No one would bother with a boyfriend.

1:08:21 Mo’Nique No. Are you messing around because you think that that's what you're supposed to do? Is that like a peer pressure thing?

1:08:27 Caller No, it just kind of happens.

1:08:28 Adam All right. Where's your dad?

1:08:30 Caller He's in my house.

1:08:31 Adam Yeah. You like him?

1:08:33 Caller No.

1:08:34 Drew There you go.

1:08:34 Adam Now we're getting to it. Why don't you like him?

1:08:37 Caller I don't know. He's kind of a... He's like a jerk.

1:08:40 Adam Why?

1:08:40 Caller An alcoholic.

1:08:41 Adam Ah, there we go. All right.

1:08:43 There we go. That's what you wanted to hear.

1:08:45 Adam Less to do with you being on the volleyball team and more to do with your dad being an alcoholic. Right.

1:08:50 Drew You understand that?

1:08:52 Caller I don't know.

1:08:53 Adam All right. Well, it's the truth. Okay. Well, we're maybe not ready for it. Yeah. Well, listen, if you're disgusted by guys after you screw around with them, then don't screw around with them. Right. But I guarantee you the reason a 16-year-old girl doesn't want a boyfriend is because her dad's an a-hole. Not because she's too busy with her after-school sports.

1:09:16 Caller He's my bourbon.

1:09:17 Adam Yes. All right. Is he still an alcoholic? Yeah.

1:09:21 Drew Sure.

1:09:21 Adam All right. Well, that's tough. Why don't you go to one of those... There you go.

1:09:26 Caller Well, it's not like bad or anything.

1:09:28 Adam I just...

1:09:28 Drew Yeah, but it's affecting you. It's making you have difficulty in your relationship with your peers. You're engaging in relationships in really overt sexual relations with guys you don't want to be with, and yet you don't want to be intimate, and it's not working right now.

1:09:43 Caller Okay.

1:09:43 Drew It doesn't sound like you're happy with the way things are.

1:09:44 Adam All right. Go to that Allotin.

1:09:46 Caller All right.

1:09:49 Adam Should she let her dad know about it?

1:09:51 Drew Well, if she's interested in helping dad, that is one of the things that can really catch the alcoholics' attention. If they know that important people in their lives are getting treatment because of their disease, it gets through to them. Then when they see you grow, they really believe, they start to feel like you're growing away from them, and it's a very genuine kind of abandonment, they feel, rather than the kind of abandonment power struggle that they would normally get into, is you stop your drinking or else I'm leaving, which keeps them intact, as opposed to, I'm growing away from you, I see you for the a-hole you are, and I'm done. That scares them.

1:10:24 Adam You talking to me or?

1:10:25 Drew Yeah, I am. I was just trying to say this to you to play some time.

1:10:28 Adam Boy, you really had a look in your eye when you said that.

1:10:30 Drew I'm sorry.

1:10:31 Adam Drew's usually reading when he's talking, but this time he looked at me squaring the eye.

1:10:34 Mo’Nique I felt that.

1:10:35 Adam Yeah. All right, Kelly, do that. OK, thanks.

1:10:37 Caller Yeah.

1:10:38 Drew About that, Adam.

1:10:39 Adam Speaking of dance, I was out at the dinner with my dad and step mom on Sunday night, a little birthday dinner and your name came up, Drew. Yeah, I was picking you apart like a good lightweight boxer. That's good. And I was saying, well, he just sat there and drank it up. And my dad did one of those, it's always older your parents get the more embarrassing it is to go out and eat with them. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Eventually they start crapping on themselves and stuff. But at this stage, at the stage like my dad orders a beer and then sends it back, oh, this is too strong. Jesus, and I'm thinking, give me that. I'll chug that right now, Potts. But the guy recommends a beer, like a Newcastle. It was a good beer and he gives it to my dad, it's got a nice sort of dark amber color to it. My dad takes a sip, oh, this is too strong. The guy, give me something lighter. I was like, hey, why don't you take a mug and give it back to him, you son of a bitch. So my dad takes a sip and declares he's already drunk. What a lightweight. So anyway, I was talking to him and maybe I had a beer or two. And I said, you know, I drank his and mine. And I was talking about you. And I said, you know, Drew, Drew's always he's always traveling. He's always chasing a buck around the country. You know, he gets himself he gets himself whipped up. And this is how Drew operates for people who don't know the dynamic of Drew, which is he puts himself under a lot of pressure. I got the triplets. I got a wife. I got the compound. I got the maid, no param banging. I got to I got to I got to make lots of money. I got a big nut. You know, I got to travel. I got to make money. You know, he puts him. He gets a lot of pressure. Like the example I always use with Drew is is if you were a trainer. Well, if if if you were OK, here's if you were in a boxing match and you won the first 11 rounds hands down. Yes. And you're entering the 12th round. You would talk yourself into being way behind.

1:12:45 Drew Yes.

1:12:45 Adam On points and that you have to go even harder.

1:12:48 Drew Yes.

1:12:48 Adam This round because this could be yes. Even if you'd won the first 11 rounds.

1:12:53 Drew That is true.

1:12:54 Adam And that's good. Good strategy. Except for the part about you could get knocked out in the 12th round because you were too too ambitious.

1:13:02 Drew Yes.

1:13:02 Adam And what you really should have done is jab and move around and stay out of the way and get out of the round and win on point.

1:13:08 Drew And the point you're making is so we have something of educational value for the people who are listening.

1:13:12 Adam I just want a good boxing analogy.

1:13:14 Drew Is that it's always healthier to be real. Not to let demons chase you, but to be real, to assess things realistically.

1:13:22 Adam I told them your soul is being antagonized by demons. And like when you talk about your triplets, you go, it's going to cost me a million dollars for each one of them to get an education, and then they're going to want to go to grad school, and then one of them is going to want to be a doctor. And you know, it's going to cost millions and millions, more than we spend on the military each year. It's going to cost to put those kids through college. And then I said to my dad, hey, I told Drew, listen, my dad spent 500 bucks on me from the age of 13 till the time I moved out of the house. Look at me, I turned out fine. And there's a good bead of uncomfortable silence. You know, and my stepmom looked over at my dad, and my dad looked back at my stepmom, and my stepmom looked at me, and there's like another bead. I probably should have raised it to $750. I now realize.

1:14:10 Drew Did anybody kind of at that point just go, yeah.

1:14:14 Adam Oh, yeah. Well, it's not like he was going to argue about it. I mean, he could have piped up and said it was $595 or something.

1:14:20 Drew He could have argued with the okay part.

1:14:22 Adam Oh, yeah. That he could have taken issue with. Yeah. He didn't want me to tear up that lease to his new car. Paul?

1:14:30 Yeah.

1:14:30 Adam You're 21. What's up?

1:14:32 Caller Yeah. I was in a relationship with a girl for about two months, and I found out she was three months pregnant, so I broke things off with her, but we remain friends throughout her pregnancy.

1:14:45 Drew Is this your child?

1:14:46 Caller No. It was her previous boyfriend. And so she had her kid about a month ago, and now she's talking about wanting to get back together with me, and I'm not sure if I should put myself in that position or...

1:15:01 Adam Yeah.

1:15:02 Drew What do you want to do?

1:15:04 Caller I have no idea. I told her I didn't want to play the daddy role.

1:15:08 Drew Well, if you don't want to be the child's father, then you don't want to be the mother's boyfriend.

1:15:12 Mo’Nique Well, is the father still in the child's life?

1:15:15 Caller As of right now, no. He doesn't want anything to do with her or the kid.

1:15:19 Adam Oh, don't worry. He'll be back when she's 18.

1:15:23 Drew But, look, yeah, right. But you don't want to screw up this kid's life by being somebody that comes in and out of his life or her life.

1:15:32 Caller Well, I'm good friends with her, so I told her that I'd rather be friends with her, but...

1:15:37 Drew That's fine.

1:15:37 Adam Good.

1:15:38 Drew That's fine. For some reason, you're getting sort of lured back into this, like some sort of a trance is overcoming you.

1:15:43 Adam Let me explain why he's being lured back into this. He can't get anything else. He's having difficulty out there in the free market.

1:15:48 Caller Yeah.

1:15:49 Adam What's up there, Paul?

1:15:51 Caller No, no. I'm having trouble out there.

1:15:53 Adam Oh, yes, you are.

1:15:55 Caller Well, the sex was good with her, but...

1:15:56 Adam Yeah, but listen, if you found yourself a halfway decent chick who you're halfway interested in, you wouldn't be having this problem. Now, why can't you meet another woman?

1:16:08 Caller Yeah, well, I was just with another girl while she was pregnant, and then things didn't work out with her, so I don't know, maybe I'm on a rebound or something.

1:16:17 Adam Why didn't things work out with her? Yeah, why?

1:16:20 Caller She had a boyfriend.

1:16:22 Mo’Nique Oh, that always doesn't.

1:16:23 Drew Paul, look, just get out there a little bit, have a little more esteem.

1:16:27 Mo’Nique Yeah.

1:16:27 Adam Listen.

1:16:28 Drew Enjoy.

1:16:28 Adam You show me somebody who's, especially guy, who's really hanging out in a situation that's not really good for him, and I'll show you a guy who's not exactly what you call in demand with the ladies.

1:16:41 Drew Well, it could be one at either end of a spectrum, right? It could be a guy with just awful self-esteem and can't tolerate putting himself out there. Or could a guy who's realistically not doing well in the market place.

1:16:52 Adam I'm going realistically not doing well.

1:16:53 Mo’Nique Well, it could be a guy that's just really in love and don't want to walk away.

1:16:57 Drew No. Adam, I would normally-

1:16:59 Adam Too healthy.

1:17:00 Drew Yeah.

1:17:01 Adam That's a UPN SIF company. That ain't a love lie. Jess? Jess? Caller goes by the name of Jess.

1:17:14 Mo’Nique Hey, Jess.

1:17:15 Adam There you go. 17 years old.

1:17:17 Caller Yeah. I have a question. Is it possible to be perma stone?

1:17:21 Adam Yeah.

1:17:22 Drew From what?

1:17:23 Caller Pot.

1:17:24 Adam How much have you smoked?

1:17:25 Caller Like a gram a day.

1:17:28 Drew You can damage yourself. Sure. These are chemicals.

1:17:31 Adam How much is a gram of wheat a day, by the way?

1:17:34 Caller Huh?

1:17:34 Adam How many joints is that translated into?

1:17:36 Drew How many lids is that?

1:17:37 Caller Two.

1:17:38 Adam Two joints a day?

1:17:39 Caller Yeah.

1:17:40 Adam For how long?

1:17:41 Caller Like the past two months.

1:17:45 Drew Well, if you need to dry out from that, it'll take a while. A couple of weeks at least, that you'll have memory problems, trouble with abstract reasoning and concentration.

1:17:54 Caller Everything's going off slow lately.

1:17:56 Drew Yeah. Okay.

1:17:58 Caller When people talk to me, I can't even remember what they just said.

1:18:00 Drew There you go. That's pot. But the good news is-

1:18:03 Adam Well, it could be stupid too.

1:18:04 Drew No. The good news is that-

1:18:05 Adam Let's be fair.

1:18:06 Drew With pot, most of that recovers rather quickly. So just don't smoke pot and that will come back. Let that scare you into hopefully stopping for all. You're not doing anything else, no acid or anything, ecstasy.

1:18:17 Caller No, but I'm with the coke because like-

1:18:22 Adam Try not to use it. There you go. Sorry. All right. Well, listen, can you just do some pushups or something instead? I mean-

1:18:30 Drew Instead of smoking pot?

1:18:31 Caller Yeah.

1:18:33 Adam Do you know what I mean?

1:18:34 Caller Yeah.

1:18:34 Caller I mean I smoke cigarettes too.

1:18:35 Drew That's great. All right. Why can't parents just keep it together for a few years? Listen to what that does. When he means things aren't going well at home, it really means parents are fighting and breaking up. Why can't parents just hold it together for a couple of years? You know what I mean? It kills the kids.

1:18:51 Adam Well, I'll tell you why. Because his parents are him when he's going to be 28 or 34 or whatever. Do you know what I mean?

1:19:02 Drew Still though, I agree with you.

1:19:04 Adam Do you expect Jesse to keep it together when he has a 17-year-old 20 years from now?

1:19:09 Drew Maybe this is my own really unrealistic perception of humans, but just hold it together for a couple of years.

1:19:15 Mo’Nique But is it always the parents?

1:19:17 Drew Always.

1:19:17 Mo’Nique Is it really?

1:19:18 Drew Always. Until kids have become-

1:19:21 Adam That's Drew putting the pressure on again. It's the 12th round. You're way behind. You need a knockout.

1:19:27 Drew But here's the deal. Even as a physician, we deal with kids, we look at it as a parent-child complex. It's not this person. It's this person with the parents. And even adolescent medicine, you see the kid with the parents, then you see the kid, then you see the parents separately, and then you see them together again, because in the process of separating, but it's still a complex. And if one piece of that complex is disordered, it gets reflected in the other.

1:19:52 Adam All right. So listen, we got to take a break. But Jess, you need to get off the weed, get off the coke. If you got to get involved with one of the programs, you got to do it. And watch the walkers.

1:20:02 Mo’Nique It makes you feel better.

1:20:04 Adam Yeah.

1:20:08 Mo’Nique Trust me.

1:20:08 Adam Yeah. When you see Monique in those plus size fashions, all your troubles are going to melt away.

1:20:13 Mo’Nique Exactly.

1:20:14 Adam We'll take ourselves a break. Yeah, it is Loveline. Adam Corolla is Dr. Drew over there. Monique is our guest tonight. She is one of the stars along with Countess Vaughn of The Parkers, Monday nights, 8.30 UPN. You can also find a very nice spread with a big picture of her wearing $350,000 worth of jewelry, although it's not seen in the picture. In today's or this week's TV guide with the black and white picture of Britney Spears. Yeah, right on the cover there. And also, all you plus size listeners, that is you plus size gals, guys aren't interested in the plus size fashions. It's just bigger sweatpants, bigger t-shirts. You can find yourself some of these fashions when they come out September 1st. And Mo'Nique will be putting out a catalog. It's interesting, fat guys, not too interested in hiding it, not too interested in fashion for the most part. You know what I'm saying?

1:21:52 Drew Yeah.

1:21:53 Adam Like, I love a, there's a, I work with a couple of plus size gentlemen and they wear the same tight fitting, ill fitting t-shirts day after day.

1:22:04 Mo’Nique Now you should tell them.

1:22:05 Adam No bones about it.

1:22:07 Mo’Nique You should say that's too small.

1:22:08 Adam No bones about it. You know Barry Drew from Loveline? Oh yeah, sure. In the Man Show?

1:22:14 Mo’Nique Yeah.

1:22:14 Adam I see Barry. Now Barry's a guy, I wouldn't call Barry morbidly obese, but he's got a big guy. He's got some weight on him. Barry exclusively wears small t-shirts.

1:22:26 Drew Exclusively?

1:22:26 Adam Exclusively.

1:22:27 Drew I've never seen him anything except a t-shirt.

1:22:29 Adam Never, never, except for about three weeks ago, he shows up in a button down, long sleeve shirt and the entire office is in a tailspin. It's the buzz of the office. We can't get over it. We finally confront Barry. We're so used to seeing him in those ill-fitting t-shirts. What's up with the button down shirt? He explains it's laundry day. How ironic is that? He's wearing a decent shirt on laundry day when all his crappy, poorly fitting t-shirts are at the launders. Anyway, guys do not tend to try to work around their weight from a fashion standpoint that much. I'll tell you something. Fat guys take their shirts off at ballgames and stuff. Yeah. Know what I mean? That's what I like about guys. They're fat. They don't care.

1:23:19 Mo’Nique But you know what?

1:23:20 Drew They celebrate.

1:23:21 Adam They celebrate it. Hey, everyone, look at my gut. Maybe I'll get on TV.

1:23:24 Mo’Nique For big women, I'm a big woman and I'm okay with it. And I will wear a nice little bathing suit on the beach.

1:23:30 Adam Oh, yeah?

1:23:30 Mo’Nique With not a cover up. Yes.

1:23:32 Adam Two-pizer?

1:23:33 Mo’Nique Sometimes a three-pizer, but that's the right. I will just get it all together.

1:23:37 Adam Yeah.

1:23:37 Mo’Nique Yeah.

1:23:38 Adam Yeah, but you're black. You're smooth. Everything's smooth on you. It's just like, you know, you put on a few pounds, you got all the wrinkles out of you.

1:23:46 Mo’Nique Yeah.

1:23:47 Adam Yeah.

1:23:47 Mo’Nique Yeah.

1:23:48 Adam Yeah. Yeah, I could see us together.

1:23:50 Mo’Nique But you know what, I think that goes for black men as well, because my husband is a big guy.

1:23:53 Adam I know, but he's black and smooth. Very fashionable. Is that him over there?

1:23:56 Mo’Nique But that's not my husband.

1:23:57 Adam Oh, it isn't? No. Oh, sorry. That's all right.

1:24:00 Mo’Nique That's my assistant. But he's very fashionable.

1:24:03 Yeah, he is.

1:24:03 Mo’Nique You know, so I think again that, you know, maybe big white men.

1:24:06 Adam Again, he's wearing one of those outfits a white guy could never get away with, which is the matching slacks and shirt. White guy can't get away with that outfit.

1:24:14 Caller You don't think?

1:24:15 Adam No.

1:24:15 Mo’Nique I think Dr. Drew would look nice in that.

1:24:17 Adam He would, but his friends would make fun of him.

1:24:19 Mo’Nique Why? It's a linen outfit.

1:24:22 Adam Guys cannot, a white guy can't get away with linen slacks and shirt that match. Do you know what I'm saying? You could wear khaki linen pants in a blue shirt if you wanted, but you couldn't wear the same design on the shirt as you could on the pants. Again, don't take that in a bad way.

1:24:39 Mo’Nique No, not at all. I just think that Dr. Drew would look very nice in an outfit like that.

1:24:42 Adam He might, but again, his friends would make fun of him. Chris?

1:24:46 Yeah.

1:24:46 Adam You're 14?

1:24:47 Caller Yeah.

1:24:48 Mo’Nique Hey Chris.

1:24:49 Caller Hi. Yeah, when I get this really sick feeling in my stomach, I was wondering what could make that happen.

1:24:55 Adam You got to close your mouth.

1:24:58 Drew Every time?

1:24:59 Caller Yeah.

1:25:01 Drew Is it like a cramp?

1:25:02 Adam Is it a sick feeling in your stomach or on your stomach?

1:25:05 Drew Is it like a cramp?

1:25:06 Caller It's like I want to puke.

1:25:08 Adam Are you religious?

1:25:10 Caller I'm Catholic. Uh-oh.

1:25:12 Drew Do you feel uptight about it? Do you feel bad about what you're doing?

1:25:15 Caller No.

1:25:16 Drew Do you have any medical problems?

1:25:20 Caller Well, yeah. I get severe headaches.

1:25:22 Drew Are you on medication?

1:25:23 Caller Yeah.

1:25:23 Drew What are you taking?

1:25:26 Caller I don't know the name of it. Something like, there's a P, I can't pronounce it.

1:25:31 Drew For the headaches?

1:25:33 Caller What was it?

1:25:34 Drew What's it for?

1:25:35 Caller The headache.

1:25:36 Drew P.

1:25:39 Adam Hey, Drew.

1:25:40 Drew Yeah.

1:25:40 Adam You know they have that pill that alcoholics can take that if they drink booze, it'll make them sick?

1:25:46 Drew Yeah.

1:25:46 Adam What's that called?

1:25:48 Drew Ant abuse.

1:25:49 Adam Ant abuse. What do you think about that, something like that for teenagers who whack off too much? You start feeding it to your kid.

1:25:54 Drew Whack abuse.

1:25:55 Adam Yeah, whack abuse. I mean, you start crushing up, put it in the kid's cereal.

1:25:59 Drew I'm doing it.

1:26:00 Adam That's a good plan, right?

1:26:01 Drew 12th round.

1:26:01 Adam Yeah, you got a couple of boys, and 13th, 14th birthday, game on. Do you know what I'm saying?

1:26:08 Drew Yeah.

1:26:08 Adam You have to start tipping your house cleaner.

1:26:11 Drew Now I'm dying to know what the medication is Chris is on.

1:26:13 Adam Starts with a P for headache.

1:26:14 Drew This may be it. This may be what we're looking for, right?

1:26:18 Adam Hey, Chris, can you go to the, yeah, can you go, we may have had a breakthrough here. Can you go to the medicine cabinet and take a look at the medicine?

1:26:26 Caller It's downstairs in the pantry's locked.

1:26:28 Drew Oh, boy. You take it once a day?

1:26:30 Caller Yeah.

1:26:31 Drew Wait, wait, it's not a tenolol?

1:26:34 Caller It might.

1:26:35 Adam Hold on a second there, genius. The pantry's locked?

1:26:39 Drew I mean, people, you've never had kids. That makes sense to me. You lock your pantry? You structure the home. Yeah, some parents choose to do that.

1:26:49 Adam Really? Yeah. Well, Drew doesn't lock his, but he has a booby trap of the sawed-off shotgun, some fishing string, right?

1:26:56 Drew A crossbow.

1:26:57 Adam A crossbow.

1:26:58 Mo’Nique The food pantry? They're locking the food pantry?

1:27:01 Adam Yeah. Drew has his done up like one of those Vietnamese tiger traps where, yeah, big bamboo shards like it was in the movie, Pepe On. He tries it to a green tree, and it's a sharp bamboo flies out and sticks right through his kid's belly. Chris?

1:27:17 Caller Yeah.

1:27:17 Adam Why is the pantry locked up?

1:27:19 Caller Because we had some aspirin and then I got caught taking a lot of it. I'm drinking like Nikol and my friends are over.

1:27:29 Drew Interesting. You take any other stuff, Chris?

1:27:31 Caller What was that?

1:27:32 Drew Do any other stuff besides the medication for the headaches?

1:27:34 Caller No.

1:27:35 Drew Well, it makes me worried that there's something going on, like maybe something, hernia, undecented testes, prostatitis, something else going on there medically, or this could be related to the medication you're taking. But, of course, I don't know what the medicine is. It starts with a P, doesn't help me.

1:27:50 Adam Can you back off on the whack off just a little bit?

1:27:53 Caller Yeah.

1:27:53 Adam You can?

1:27:54 Caller Yeah.

1:27:55 Adam What are you good for? A week nowadays.

1:27:58 Caller Well, I do it once every night.

1:27:59 Adam Yeah. It's great. Even with the horrible abdominal pain, he's still good for once a night.

1:28:04 Caller Yeah.

1:28:05 Adam I love that. As I've said, that's what I love about men. A woman masturbated, had horrible abdominal pain, that'd be it for the year. Maybe her life.

1:28:13 Drew It got a little bit dequeasy.

1:28:15 Adam That'd be it. Guides like, yeah, I have stabbing pains in my abdomen once a day, like clockwork.

1:28:21 Mo’Nique And he's 14.

1:28:22 Drew Yeah.

1:28:23 Mo’Nique Oh, that makes me nervous. I have a 14-year-old son.

1:28:25 Adam Do you?

1:28:26 Drew Yes.

1:28:27 Adam Lock that pantry, honey.

1:28:28 Drew You better be talking to him.

1:28:29 Mo’Nique You know what? We do all the time, but it's just like, he's like, no, I'm not doing that. I'm okay. I'm not, it's like, if you are, it's okay, but just let us know because when we change the sheets, I don't, you know, just let me get out.

1:28:42 Adam Let us know.

1:28:43 Caller Yes. Let us know.

1:28:45 Mo’Nique Because I don't want to walk in and, you know, I mean, I want to give him his privacy and his space.

1:28:49 Drew He's already taken that. I guarantee it.

1:28:51 Mo’Nique Do you think he is? I don't think he is.

1:28:54 Drew You thought you scared him out of him.

1:28:56 Mo’Nique I don't think he is. He's 14.

1:28:58 Adam Oh, Christ. The look on that poor kid's face when that plus size mom and model comes in the room wants to talk about wagging off.

1:29:06 Mo’Nique I don't think so.

1:29:08 Adam Not going to cast any judgment on you. Just want to know how to schedule the sheet changing. So what's up with the pet?

1:29:14 Mo’Nique Exactly. Really?

1:29:17 Adam Seriously, what kind of conversations have you had?

1:29:20 Mo’Nique The biggest thing, the first conversation I had with my son that I think was very embarrassing for him, I said, have you experienced a wet dream?

1:29:27 Drew How old is he? He's 14.

1:29:30 Adam He was 4 at the time.

1:29:31 Mo’Nique He was 12 when we had that conversation.

1:29:33 Drew That's exactly the right year to have that.

1:29:35 Mo’Nique The first time. That's the right year to have it. He said, I think it was a little embarrassing to have that conversation with me, but he had one of his dad.

1:29:42 Drew It's the right thing to do.

1:29:43 Mo’Nique He was like, Ma, no. So I said, okay. I said, but if you did, it's okay. It's totally okay. Just, you know, I want to know.

1:29:52 Caller And I think that, you know.

1:29:54 Adam Because Mama's writing a book.

1:29:56 Mo’Nique I think that I want to know just to like to go, oh, he had a black dream, you know, like, oh, okay. Sure.

1:30:02 Adam You want to put some of that semen in your wallet. I understand. He's very proud.

1:30:06 Mo’Nique But now that he's 14 and we have the same conversation, I still don't think he's ready to share that with me. I'm sure he's had it with his dad.

1:30:15 Adam You think so?

1:30:16 Mo’Nique You know, but my 9-year-old.

1:30:18 Adam Don't you think his dad would tell you though? Why wouldn't dad tell you?

1:30:24 Mo’Nique I think he would. I think he would. But then he knows that I will go running in the room and say, you know, what happened and how do you feel and are you okay?

1:30:31 Adam Oh, yeah, daddy knows too.

1:30:33 Mo’Nique Right. But my 9-year-old, I actually took him to the seamstress house with me and we were having a conversation. We turned around and he's feeling up on the dummy's breast. Just, I mean, really going for it.

1:30:45 Adam Smooth.

1:30:46 Mo’Nique And I'm like, okay, is he ready at 9?

1:30:50 Adam No. But you listen, you're not ready, but you know. At 9, you don't get a lot of those opportunities. I mean, you got to cash in when you can. Listen, I want you to take this in the spirit in which it's intended, but you're going to turn the kid gay if you keep working on him with the masturbation. Absolutely will turn him gay. If that's what you want, that's fine.

1:31:11 Mo’Nique Trust me, he's all boy.

1:31:13 Adam That's what I'm saying. Do not pressure him with the masturbation.

1:31:16 Mo’Nique But at 14, he's doing it once a night. Yeah. Could you imagine?

1:31:20 Adam Oh, yeah. Oh, you're listening.

1:31:22 Mo’Nique I'm going to check with my housekeeper, and I'm going to say, you know what? What is going on when you just say it?

1:31:26 Drew This is like checking the queen's sheets.

1:31:28 Adam Yeah.

1:31:28 Drew These fluids belong to the queen.

1:31:30 Mo’Nique Yes.

1:31:31 Adam Listen, you want to have a good time. What day? Does your housekeeper come once a week or twice a week?

1:31:38 Mo’Nique Little Mark, this is mommy talking. If you are doing that, I'm okay with it.

1:31:42 Adam Little Mark, he's already by with the little.

1:31:45 Drew Mark, we're on your side, man. Do not turn the radio off now before more damage is done.

1:31:50 Adam All right. He's bisexual. You want to have a good time. What days a housekeeper come? What two days?

1:31:57 Mo’Nique Mondays and Thursdays.

1:31:58 Adam Mondays and Thursdays. All right. I'll tell you what. So, if they come Thursday, Wednesday night, you hit little Mark's room, shut the lights, and pull the comforter off the bed and shine a black light.

1:32:11 Drew Pull it-

1:32:13 Adam Peel it off. Use a crowbar to get the comforter off the bed. And just shut all the lights room and just shine a black light over that white sheet. It's going to look like a Rorschach test on that thing. It's going to be a mess. I guarantee it.

1:32:26 Mo’Nique Don't say that.

1:32:26 Adam You won't know. Yeah.

1:32:29 Mo’Nique No.

1:32:30 Adam Oh yes. It's going to look.

1:32:31 Mo’Nique I'm going to start locking the pantry.

1:32:37 Adam He's, listen, I don't know what percentage of guys are well on their way with that by 14, but Drew, would you say 75, 80%?

1:32:45 Drew 60%. And by 15, they're in. 15, everybody's in by 16, would you say?

1:32:50 Adam Put it this way. There's a strong chance he's doing it now. It's going to be a lock in eight months.

1:32:55 Drew Yes.

1:32:55 Adam A lock. And if he ain't doing it a year and a half from now, then you got another set of problems on your hands.

1:33:02 Mo’Nique Maybe you can do it.

1:33:03 Adam Yeah, just let him do it. Let him do it.

1:33:06 Drew And if you find that black light.

1:33:07 Adam He doesn't want to think of you standing over him, calling little Mark when he's doing it either. Just give him some space.

1:33:12 Drew Bring that light in and shine it on Adam, too, when you get that black light.

1:33:16 Mo’Nique I was just trying to on Adam.

1:33:17 Drew No, a different issue.

1:33:18 Adam You can smell it from there, right?

1:33:20 Mo’Nique Exactly.

1:33:21 Adam That's what I like, keen sense of smell. I just got done whacking off to my mom. Boy, that was so out of context.

1:33:29 Mo’Nique Exactly.

1:33:30 Adam We're going to take ourselves a little break. I'm going to take care of a little business, now come to think of it. Now, we'll be back after this.

1:33:38 Caller Loveline, with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:33:39 Caller 1-800-LOVE-1-9-1 We'll be right back.

1:34:11 Drew Monique, you can't be ambivalent with kids. You gotta be clear.

1:34:18 Adam Monique is our guest tonight from The Parkers, her and Countess Vaughn on The Parkers. Monday night, 8.30 on UPN, and Darrell Hammond is going to be in here, the extremely talented voice artist, impressionist who does Clinton and all those other voices from Saturday Night Live will be in here tomorrow night. Monique's bubble's been burst because Drew and I have informed her that her 14-year-old is engaging in masturbation.

1:34:45 Mo’Nique I need to call him.

1:34:46 Adam And then she admitted she had a couple of blue movies floating around the palace.

1:34:52 Mo’Nique Those movies are purple.

1:34:54 Adam No doubt.

1:34:54 Mo’Nique They've gone past the blue stage.

1:34:56 Adam They've gotten into. Now, what kind of movies do you have around there?

1:35:03 Mo’Nique You know, just nice, you know.

1:35:06 Drew He's watched them.

1:35:08 Mo’Nique No, Dr. Drew, don't say that.

1:35:09 Drew He's watched them.

1:35:10 Adam He's not. No theme to the porn?

1:35:14 Mo’Nique Yes. Must have a theme.

1:35:16 Adam Yeah, what is the theme? You know what I'm saying?

1:35:18 Mo’Nique I don't really know what it is, but they have one.

1:35:21 Adam What I'm saying is, is there's different kinds.

1:35:23 Mo’Nique Yeah, you know, like there's one.

1:35:26 Adam Different ethnicities. There's the big top one. There's the ones with the barely legal. There's the black on white. No, I don't know. There's the ancient on white, huh?

1:35:36 Mo’Nique They have to be all adults.

1:35:38 Adam Yeah, oh yeah. They're all adults. This is some look younger than others. That's all.

1:35:42 Mo’Nique Yeah, they all have themes.

1:35:44 Adam You got a theme? You got a personal theme?

1:35:46 Mo’Nique There's one. What is the name of it? I can't remember the name of it. But you know, there was this couple, they were married and he was really ignoring her. And so, you know.

1:35:53 Adam She had to step out.

1:35:54 Mo’Nique Right.

1:35:55 Adam Sure.

1:35:56 Mo’Nique That was the theme.

1:35:57 Adam Yeah, but I'm talking about, you know, for yourself.

1:36:00 Mo’Nique Well, they all wind up doing the same thing.

1:36:03 Adam So, you don't have a theme. No.

1:36:04 Mo’Nique They all wind up doing the same thing.

1:36:06 Adam For Drew, it's the big top. He likes the big silicone chicks. That's his, that's his favorite.

1:36:12 Mo’Nique But some of them are funny. There's this one, I don't know if you ever heard of him. Jake Seed.

1:36:18 Adam Jake Seed, yeah. She knows his work.

1:36:20 Mo’Nique That is just hilarious.

1:36:23 Adam Yeah. He does good work.

1:36:25 Drew What is it?

1:36:25 Mo’Nique Why? Because it's called Freaks, Holes and Flows.

1:36:28 Adam Oh my God.

1:36:29 Mo’Nique That's the name and it's volume 17. He's up to volume 17 now.

1:36:33 Adam Yeah.

1:36:33 Mo’Nique What does he do? It's just the funniest thing ever. They're all non-professional. He's the only professional. There may be 20 women in the video. He's the only man. You know, he raps.

1:36:45 Adam Smart director.

1:36:46 Mo’Nique The whole time. He's doing a rap song. Really? About the women, yes.

1:36:50 Adam Hold on, Jewish guy? No?

1:36:53 Mo’Nique No, you know Jake.

1:36:54 Adam Oh yeah, Jake.

1:36:55 Mo’Nique Yeah, sure.

1:36:56 Adam Yeah, he's rapping and he's doing 20 women.

1:36:59 Caller Very smart.

1:37:00 Mo’Nique Yes.

1:37:00 Adam Ingenious that Jake. True pioneer.

1:37:03 Caller Exactly.

1:37:04 Mo’Nique Right.

1:37:04 Adam All right. So, but no theme. No, you know, they have the anal stuff. That I'm talking about? No, no.

1:37:11 Mo’Nique They all want to do the same thing pretty much.

1:37:12 Adam All right. Okay.

1:37:13 Drew So we remind everybody that Mark is probably showing it to his younger brother too.

1:37:17 Adam Oh, don't say that. Natalie?

1:37:21 Caller Yeah.

1:37:22 Adam You're 15. What's up?

1:37:23 Mo’Nique Hey, Natalie.

1:37:24 Caller Hi. I've been to like a lot of raves lately, and I've been taking quite a bit of ecstasy, and I'm wondering, because I can still feel it. I'm wondering when you come down from it.

1:37:35 Drew Well, it's well known to be a brain-damaging chemical.

1:37:41 Caller Yeah, I know.

1:37:41 Drew So there is not coming down from that.

1:37:43 Caller Because, I mean, I would-

1:37:45 Drew Natalie?

1:37:45 Caller Yeah?

1:37:46 Drew There is not coming down from brain damage.

1:37:48 Caller There is not?

1:37:49 Adam Well, she doesn't necessarily have brain damage.

1:37:52 Caller Well, no, because, I mean, I came down from it before. Like, I waited like four months and I was normal again.

1:37:58 Adam Yeah. Muhammad Ali was fine after his first fight.

1:38:02 Mo’Nique Why are you doing that, Natalie?

1:38:03 Drew She misses the nuance. Listen, I think it's Time magazine has a big thing about it.

1:38:07 Adam Got a couple of good boxing allegories and metaphors into tonight. Yeah. Well, that's for me. Don't worry about that.

1:38:13 Drew Pick it up. It's in Newsweek. I think it's Time. And read about ecstasy and all the damage it does. And I think you'll understand these locked in syndromes are what is associated with the brain damage and the chronic depressions and the panic and the biological consequences, particularly at your age of 15, are going to be profound.

1:38:30 Adam All right. Well, can you stop doing it, Natalie?

1:38:33 Caller Yeah, probably. Yeah.

1:38:34 Adam Yeah. All right. Well, why don't you start by not doing it anymore?

1:38:38 Caller Yeah.

1:38:38 Adam Okay.

1:38:38 Caller I have stopped.

1:38:39 Adam Okay. Good.

1:38:40 Caller Okay. Thanks. Yeah.

1:38:41 Adam Listen, y'all, I did. I've done my share of drugs myself, but I'll tell you what, I never did anything before 19 years old. I mean, my brain pretty much the cement, my brain had dried by the time I started smoking the weed, and doing the coke, and dropping the acid, and what else have I done? Ecstasy, mushrooms, all that good stuff. You know what I'm saying? And it scares me that people are doing this at 14, 15 years old because you're sort of, look at your brain like wet cement. You know what I mean? If it's still wet, and it's wet before the age of 16, certainly, and you're getting around carving your initials in it with a stick, it's going to be in that sidewalk forever. And so just listen, you want to smoke some pot? Fine, just do it. Do it a little bit later. Wait till you can make a decision. Thank you. Chris?

1:39:42 Caller Yeah.

1:39:42 Adam You're 18, what's up?

1:39:44 Caller All right. Every time I have intercourse, and I wouldn't say every time, but pretty lately, every time I have intercourse, I keep getting blood in my semen.

1:39:53 Drew Have you thought about seeing a doctor about it?

1:39:54 Caller Yes, I have. I've seen a couple of them, and they say nothing's really wrong.

1:39:58 Drew It's usually no big deal. It usually is something that you don't have to worry about. It needs to be checked out very rarely. It can be tumors and infections, but for the most part, it ends up being not anything that needs any specific treatment.

1:40:11 Adam All right.

1:40:12 Caller Okay.

1:40:13 Adam Well, that's what the doctors told you, so might as well listen to them.

1:40:17 Caller Yeah. Really quickly, it wouldn't have anything to do with kidneys or liver, because I know my kidneys are shot, and my liver is starting to go.

1:40:26 Drew What do you mean? What are you talking about? How would you know that?

1:40:29 Caller I'm a harsh alcoholic. I'm an extreme alcoholic.

1:40:32 Drew Okay. Well, definitely, excessive drinking can affect your blood's clotting, and you maybe tend to bleed from all sorts of places with the alcohol.

1:40:41 Caller Okay.

1:40:42 Drew But your kidneys are not shot.

1:40:46 Adam Your kidneys are shot and your liver is starting to go? You're 18 years old.

1:40:50 Caller Yeah.

1:40:51 Drew Another one of your kidneys, I guarantee that.

1:40:52 Caller Well, they're going. I wouldn't say they're going. Why?

1:40:55 Drew How do you know that? What does that mean?

1:40:58 Caller They're talking about doing some surgeries. They want to go in and look at it. They say it's pretty bad. My lungs are starting to go. I've got one lung that's halfway collapsed, and then I've got an ulcer that's real bad in my stomach.

1:41:11 Drew What do you mean, go in and look at your kidneys? There's sort of no such thing.

1:41:16 Caller I don't know what they really want to do because I don't really pay attention and I don't want to let it bother me.

1:41:22 Drew Obviously, you're not paying attention. Do you have kidney stones?

1:41:26 Caller No, they don't think it's that. I had a couple of episodes that went on for about a week.

1:41:31 Adam What do you mean you're a harsh alcoholic?

1:41:34 Caller I drink about a gallon a night.

1:41:37 Drew Why don't you get treatment for that?

1:41:38 Adam What are you drinking, a gallon of what?

1:41:40 Caller Hard alcohol, bottle of tequila. I've been through treatment centers. I just got out of one. I've been in jail. I've been in prison. I've been around.

1:41:53 Adam Hold on a second. Can you physically drink a gallon of hard liquor a night?

1:42:00 Drew I've seen them certainly drink a fifth a night. That's a pretty good deal.

1:42:03 Adam A fifth is 750 milliliter. That ain't even half a gallon. I think a fifth is a third of a gallon.

1:42:15 Mo’Nique When would alcohol poisons end?

1:42:18 Drew People get very tolerant to it against the rate at which they're consuming it.

1:42:21 Adam Listen, I don't know if you can drink a gallon of water a night without throwing up. All right. Listen, Chris, do something about your alcoholism. That's it. I don't know what else to tell you. And he's not drinking a gallon of tequila a night. I don't think you can do that. I think you'd die of alcohol poisoning if you drank a half gallon of tequila in one night. One second. Corey?

1:42:47 Caller Yes?

1:42:48 Adam You got a shock from an electrical outlet and now you can't get an erection?

1:42:52 Caller Correct.

1:42:52 Adam What were you doing putting your penis in an electrical socket?

1:42:54 Caller Oh, no, no, no, no, not my penis.

1:42:56 Adam Don't make excuses.

1:42:57 Caller No, my fanger. I've been shot violent with my fanger.

1:43:00 Adam I see. You put your fanger in there? No, not in there. How many A's in fanger?

1:43:05 Caller No, I didn't put my fanger in there.

1:43:07 Caller I was working on one and I accidentally touched the wire because I thought I had to.

1:43:10 Adam I see. All right. That shouldn't have killed your erection, though.

1:43:14 Drew No, it really shouldn't have.

1:43:15 Adam No. I've been shocked that way a few times. My erection works fine. It actually makes my erection is now stronger. It has clairvoyant powers now. It can tell when a vagina is lying. All right. So, I don't know. Go to the doctor or an electrician. We got to take a break.

1:43:37 Caller We'll be right back with more Love Line.

1:43:51 Caller Well, now, this has been Loveline.

1:43:53 Caller The stuff expressed on Loveline is not necessarily the stuff of the staff, the management, sponsors, or anyone else, including Westwood One Entertainment. Loveline is produced by Ann Wilkins and Gold. Now, please enjoy these birds.

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Tuesday, May 30, 2000