Episode 1000754887126

2:00 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

2:03 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

2:08 Voiceover Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

2:10 Voiceover I'm not modeling anymore for the two of you.

2:13 Voiceover Loveline.

2:14 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-8-5-4-44-55. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Tonight, our guest from Saturday Night Live, Darrell Hammond is here. Darrell was in on this show, I would say a year and a half.

2:37 Drew That long ago?

2:38 Darrell Hammond I think it was a year and a half, two years ago.

2:40 Adam Yeah.

2:41 Darrell Hammond You had some great callers that night, man.

2:43 Adam We were going to have some great callers tonight too.

2:45 Darrell Hammond It's a great show. We listen to it in New York sometimes.

2:48 Adam Oh, well God.

2:49 Darrell Hammond It's W.

2:51 Drew NAW.

2:51 Darrell Hammond Is it NAW? Yeah.

2:53 Adam Yeah, it's NAW. Of course it is. That's right. We're a little sketchy on some of the affiliates, which doesn't always make for the greatest affiliate relations. But we look at this as a local show.

3:04 Darrell Hammond Right.

3:04 Adam To us, it doesn't go out of Culver City.

3:07 Darrell Hammond Right.

3:07 Drew But it's local wherever you're listening.

3:09 Adam That's right. We are wherever you are. So send those cookies. Somebody actually told me once when we went somewhere, I don't know, Minnesota or something, that somebody sent a batch of cookies over to the station for us, which is nice. It's stupid, but it's nice.

3:28 Darrell Hammond I'm going to start putting you on at SNL. We have to pull these all-nighters. I'm going to start listening to you guys at 1 AM.

3:35 Adam You guys do, I mean, Jesus, talk about crunch time when you get a little bit later in the week, and you're sitting around with all the writers trying to hash everything out.

3:47 Darrell Hammond Yeah, and especially like in my position, I usually do the topical piece, so mine usually isn't written till Friday or Saturday anyway.

3:55 Adam Right.

3:55 Darrell Hammond So you'll get a call at 2 AM going, can you do Trent Lott? I'll try, boss.

4:02 Adam Well, I mean, once you can do a few, doesn't it make it easier to do others? Or harder? No.

4:11 Drew With less choices.

4:12 Adam No, like I can't do any impersonations.

4:15 Drew So it's all easy for you, right?

4:17 Adam But no, it's all difficult for me.

4:20 Drew I see.

4:20 Adam Because it involves talent, you see, Drew. But Darrell has talent. He does many impersonations. Some better than others, I'm sure. But you do many and you have that ability. I mean, you have that gift. It's like people who can do accents. They could probably do all of them better and you could do one.

4:39 Drew That's true.

4:39 Adam If you didn't have a gift for that.

4:40 Drew That's probably true.

4:41 Adam And Darrell certainly has that. What year are you on personally on Saturday Night Live?

4:48 Darrell Hammond This is my fifth.

4:51 Adam I would have guessed somewhere around there. But see, the thing that's funny about the cast from Saturday Night Live is sometimes there's guys that were around for three years and you didn't know them because they didn't do that much for three years.

5:02 Darrell Hammond Well, I didn't really.

5:04 Adam Well, you've been a pretty strong presence over there for the last three or four.

5:09 Darrell Hammond Maybe, yeah, maybe less three, three and a half, yeah.

5:12 Adam But there are guys, like how long has Tracy Morgan been around there?

5:17 I don't know.

5:18 Darrell Hammond Three years, four years?

5:20 Adam No, see, I bet, it seems to me like he's been around for five or six.

5:24 Darrell Hammond There's like 50 people in the cast. It's really hard to get on the air there.

5:29 Adam Yeah, it's tough.

5:30 Darrell Hammond It is.

5:31 Adam I mean, and Drew, please, I'm not saying this, and I hope you will back me up on this just to kiss Darrell's ass, but I believe it's the most difficult form of comedy to do.

5:43 Drew You've said that forever.

5:44 Adam Week after week, which is sketch comedy. And the thing that really makes sketch comedy is a bitch, is that everyone at home thinks they can do it, thinks they have an idea for a sketch, thinks they work with some guy down at the feed store that's funnier than this guy or that guy on TV. And you're screwed, because not only is it actually very difficult to do, especially-

6:07 Drew Everybody thinks it's easy.

6:08 Adam Everyone thinks they can do it.

6:10 Darrell Hammond Yeah, and SNL is sort of like, you know, people really love to hate SNL. When it goes down, people love to talk about it, and people watch to see it go down.

6:21 Adam And it's always suffered from that, well, yeah, it's good, but it could be better. It could be better. I could do it better.

6:29 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

6:30 Adam And I'm telling you...

6:31 Darrell Hammond But if you really stop to consider that we're going to put on a 90-minute show and it's going to be live. Now, Lorne doesn't sweeten the laugh tracks. There's no laugh tracks, so when they do reruns, you'll hear Sketch's bomb...

6:43 Adam Right...

6:44 Darrell Hammond .as my Bobby Knight bombed a few, a couple of weeks ago.

6:47 Adam I'm trying to think if I saw the...

6:49 Darrell Hammond I hope you didn't...

6:50 Adam .Bobby Knight.

6:51 Darrell Hammond Oh, did it tank?

6:52 Adam Yeah, but Darrell, your stuff is always funny. Sometimes it can be extremely funny, but it's always at least interesting because you're doing a take on a character or a take on a personality. And it's like when you're doing Jesse Jackson, for instance, it doesn't matter what the material is. I mean, it could go from a 7 to a 10 based on that, but it's still a 7 just because you're doing Jesse Jackson.

7:21 Darrell Hammond Well, maybe so. I like to think that's true. But, brother, when you're out there in front of 7.5 million households and you're tanking and line after line after line is going by where there should be a laugh, one, two, three, and you just go, this is it. I just gave you my best stuff, folks.

7:42 Adam It's the worst. And you can't break like you could if you were doing stand-up and yell, what's wrong with you, A-holes, like I would do halfway into the line that didn't get the joke. Or doing a side or do whatever, you're sort of trapped in it. And what in a way makes it safe, which is you picking a character, putting on a wig and doing it is also what makes it extra scary because you can't just turn to somebody and say, let's try this again.

8:10 Darrell Hammond Yeah. Thanks for telling me that new joke sucked. Yeah. And there's probably 200, 100, 200 people tuned in to every move. Pardon me, every move? I mean, in that studio, I think there's 275 sitting there and then there's all the people that work there. It's a huge staff. But going on the air and not bombing, I think comedy is hard.

8:34 Adam Well, if you watch me do it, you'll understand how difficult it is. I think that's what Darrell is saying.

8:39 Darrell Hammond You just watch the Bobby Knight and watch that thing go down.

8:43 Adam Well, Saturday Night Live, I do tune into Fairly Religious League, which speaks of my social life.

8:52 Darrell Hammond I have none either.

8:53 Adam I'm always home on Saturday, and I always watch Saturday Night Live, and I, because I did sketch comedy for many years and know how difficult it is, appreciate it and do not judge it quite as harshly as some others may. And I do especially enjoy your work.

9:12 Darrell Hammond Thank you. I enjoy your work as well.

9:14 Adam Well, thanks.

9:15 Darrell Hammond You're a funny man.

9:16 Adam There you go. You hear that, Drew?

9:18 Drew What's the name again?

9:19 Darrell Hammond With your own voice, you're funny.

9:21 Adam That's right.

9:21 Drew Yeah, just listen to your voice.

9:23 Adam That's right. That's good for a laugh, that nasally drone. Thank you very much. Darrell, by the way.

9:28 Drew What if Darrell could do an Adam Corolla impersonation?

9:32 Adam Well, maybe if he listens for a little while longer, at some point in the evening, you could grace us with that.

9:38 Darrell Hammond Possibly. I don't know. You're telling me you have like a bad voice. You have a real good voice.

9:43 There you go.

9:43 Darrell Hammond There's nothing really wrong with it. It's like trying to do Bob Costas. Like Bob Costas called me up.

9:48 He's like, when are you going to do me? I want to know because I want to give you the, I'm like, Bob, who can do you?

9:54 Adam Yeah. If you want to do a good Bob Costas, just enunciate, be articulate, and get a thesaurus.

10:02 Yeah.

10:03 Darrell Hammond He was saying, he's going. A friend of mine manages the Padres, Bruce Bochy. So we were talking about it. This is actually how he's talks.

10:14 Off the air, he's like, Bruce Bochy, the third largest head in all of baseball, actually professional sports, second only to baseball commissioner, Fay Vincent, and of course, OJ Simpson, who could be mounted on Mount Rushmore.

10:31 Darrell Hammond And I'm going, Bob, you really sound like yourself.

10:34 Adam Yeah. We had that same surreal experience when we met Sinbad. We did, what did he step in for? Was it Vibe?

10:44 He was the Vibe guy, yeah.

10:46 Adam And no, they had an original host, and he was replaced by, I think, Sinbad. But we never met Sinbad before, and we ran into him at the hall, in the hallway before we did the show. And he came up to us, and he is Sinbad plus two squared. Sinbad squared. And he walked into our, and Drew, Drew is Drew, and I'm me, but we don't have much going on. And he came piling into the room, hey, what's up, man? He's wearing like Bip overalls, and he's filling up the room, and then he shuts the door. And I looked at Drew, and I went, my God, that is Sinbad.

11:22 Darrell Hammond That's really?

11:23 Drew Sinbad does, Sinbad.

11:24 Adam Sinbad as Sinbad.

11:26 Darrell Hammond I remember when I was first starting out, and he was already working on the networks. He'd already done a Carson and everything, and he was real nice to me.

11:34 Adam Yeah, he's a nice guy, but it ain't an ax.

11:37 Darrell Hammond But no, oh no, he loves being alive. He totally loves being alive.

11:41 Adam That's why I resent him.

11:42 Darrell Hammond Me too.

11:43 Adam I don't like anyone who... I don't mind people tolerating being alive, but when they love it, now I got a problem.

11:49 Darrell Hammond I have a problem with you. You seem more suited for this party than me.

11:53 Adam James is 21. By the way, Darrell will be at the Lebray Improv tomorrow through Sunday in fabulous Lebraya. Go ahead, James. What's up?

12:05 Darrell Hammond Am I on?

12:06 Adam Yes, you is.

12:07 Darrell Hammond I have a question. I'm 21 years old, and when I was younger, I've always had... I'm a slim guy. I'm skinny, but I kind of have breasts, but real tiny, kind of like an overweight guy would.

12:19 Adam Yeah.

12:20 Darrell Hammond And as I was getting older, I was told they would go away, but they kind of stayed along with me, and I worked out and everything, but...

12:26 Drew Do you smoke a lot of pot?

12:27 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

12:28 Drew There it is.

12:28 Darrell Hammond I wouldn't say a lot, but I do smoke pot occasionally.

12:31 Drew How occasionally?

12:34 Darrell Hammond Probably every other day.

12:35 Drew There you go.

12:36 Darrell Hammond What is that? I never heard of this.

12:37 Drew Absolutely.

12:38 Adam Not at 21.

12:39 Drew Absolutely.

12:39 Adam Listen, I was sitting home, ironically stoned, on Sunday night with Dan Dratch, who's Rachel Dratch's younger brother, I believe, who's a cast member of Saturday Night Live, and we were watching 2020's rerun about 2 in the morning, and they had a, what is it, kind of chlamastia story, and these were young guys, males, in pretty decent shape, most of them who had either one or both of their breasts were enlarged. I mean, they looked like a woman's breast in a way. I mean, not quite a woman's breast. If it was a woman's breast, I'd be disappointed, but at least more like a woman's breast than a man's chest. And these guys were 19 or 20, and sometimes it was just one side. And they talked about getting liposuction and getting surgery and having a plastic surgery. But at 21, how much weed, how many years of weed does he have under his?

13:45 Drew If you start smoking pot around the time that this normally comes on, you can sustain it. So did you start smoking pot around 14, 15?

13:53 Adam James?

13:55 Darrell Hammond But it's been with me since I was younger. I've had it when I was like 12 or 13.

13:59 Drew That's right.

14:00 Adam Oh, shush up. When did you start smoking weed?

14:02 When I was a sophomore in high school.

14:04 Darrell Hammond So I'd say about 16.

14:05 Drew 15, a sophomore in high school.

14:06 Adam Listen, Drew, listen to me. He had a predisposition for this.

14:11 Drew Yes, he would have gone away at 16 if he had not.

14:14 Adam What about the guys who it doesn't go away for who don't smoke pot?

14:17 Drew It's very unusual.

14:20 Darrell Hammond No, it's not.

14:22 Drew It's very unusual.

14:22 Darrell Hammond Can you explain that?

14:24 Adam No, we can't.

14:25 Drew Pot creates very substantial elevations in circulating estrogen.

14:29 Darrell Hammond Is there a name for this?

14:30 Drew Yeah, it's called gynecomastia. And the reason it occurs in some males is the adrenal gland starts putting out estrogen just before the testes turn on and start producing testosterone.

14:40 Darrell Hammond It's really embarrassing.

14:41 Adam All right, you can get it worked on.

14:43 Drew And pot, marijuana.

14:44 Adam Shut up, James.

14:45 Drew Marijuana can sustain that. It will prevent it from going back down by sustaining the circulating levels of estrogen. It marijuana suppresses testosterone, raises estrogen.

14:55 Darrell Hammond What a bizarre side effect.

14:56 Drew And, yeah, and it's actually, if you, and some men will spontaneously get breast enlargement at an older age, at 25, 26.

15:04 Darrell Hammond Because of something that previous drug use.

15:07 Drew Just from the pot. Not previous. They have to be using it.

15:09 Adam Oh, well, listen, though, but here's the reality. Nobody smokes more weed than, let's say, Snoop Dogg, for instance.

15:16 Drew Yeah.

15:16 Adam I was at Snoop Dogg's house. I got baked as soon as I opened the front door of that place. I swear to Christ. He smokes nonstop. He smokes in the studio. He takes his shirt off. He doesn't have an ounce of it.

15:30 Drew He probably didn't have this one in 14 either.

15:33 Adam Yeah.

15:33 Drew The way this guy did.

15:34 Adam All right. Drew, you know him right here. He was heading for this anyway.

15:38 Drew Adam, this is categorical. This is a classic situation.

15:43 Adam Who's the doctor? James?

15:45 Darrell Hammond Not me.

15:46 Adam Yeah. All right. So how much weed have you smoked since your 10th grade year?

15:52 Darrell Hammond I mean, not much. Just off and on. I mean, period.

15:54 Adam There you go.

15:55 Darrell Hammond In the last year or two, quite a lot.

15:58 Adam OK.

15:59 I don't know.

16:00 Darrell Hammond I've never seen any other male with this kind of problem.

16:03 Drew How often do you smoke pot?

16:05 Darrell Hammond Every other day.

16:06 Drew Every other day. For how many years?

16:09 Darrell Hammond I would say constantly the last two or three.

16:11 Drew Three years.

16:12 Darrell Hammond All right.

16:12 Drew And then before that, how frequently were you smoking?

16:14 Darrell Hammond Just not much. Probably once every six months.

16:18 Drew Oh, is that it before that?

16:19 Adam Uh-huh. Thank you.

16:20 Drew My case is not as strong.

16:22 Adam Oh, Jesus Christ. If I could read, I'd be a doctor. I know I would. I feel it. Or a pirate or an astronaut. I still haven't ruled out pirate or astronaut as far as career.

16:32 Drew What's that, James?

16:33 Darrell Hammond I was just, I didn't want to go to the doctor because I didn't know whether, I mean, what?

16:37 Drew They can, plastic surgeon, yes, it's a relatively.

16:42 Adam How? Listen, go to a plastic surgeon. They'll fix it.

16:45 Drew But you keep smoking pot. It's hard for it to go down. You might go down by itself if you stop smoking the pot.

16:49 Darrell Hammond Can I go to the doctor and get anything for it?

16:51 Drew Yes, they can take the tissue out.

16:53 Darrell Hammond Because I didn't know there was a name for it. That's why I was calling you.

16:56 Adam All right. Listen, James, although I prefer you living in your own silent world of shame, I'm telling you now to go to a plastic surgeon. They see it all the time and they can take care of it, okay? Quit smoking so much weed.

17:10 Drew You don't do steroids, huh? Forget it. I don't do steroids. Oh, boy. You never did steroids, did you?

17:15 Darrell Hammond No, I know. I've never done steroids.

17:17 Drew Okay.

17:17 Adam All right. Oh, for truth, Andrew. I want to hop back and speak to Corey. Corey?

17:23 Yeah, hi.

17:23 Adam You're 14.

17:24 Caller Yeah.

17:24 Adam Hold on, Drew. What's the gyno part of the gyno? Can I ask you?

17:29 Drew Give me the dick shot.

17:30 Adam Because there's gynecology. It must mean some chick thing, right?

17:35 Drew Yeah, it must.

17:36 Adam Because this is saying like chick boobs, right?

17:41 Drew You would think so.

17:42 Adam Yeah. Look up gyno.

17:43 Drew Say that again. It kind of rolls off the tongue nicely.

17:45 Adam Chick boobs. It's going to be the name of a band I'm recording during my hiatus. Corey?

17:51 Yeah.

17:51 Adam What's up? You're 14.

17:53 Caller First of all, I made up my call. I just wanted to say hi to Darrell Hammond. I'm probably a disturbingly religious.

18:00 Drew Hang on a second. Gaineco, Gainec, Tennessee, Gainec, Gainec, woman.

18:06 Adam Woman, okay.

18:07 Caller All right.

18:08 Adam Go ahead, there.

18:08 Drew Old Mastia of the breast. Whatever.

18:12 Caller Thank you. I've been watching Saturday Night Live since I was nine.

18:16 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

18:17 Caller And are you leaving this season or what?

18:21 Darrell Hammond No, unless they want me to, but I, no, I'm not going to.

18:26 Adam They can't get rid of Darrell.

18:28 Darrell Hammond No.

18:28 Adam He is like a- I'm probably a strong left-hander and a bullpen.

18:32 Darrell Hammond I think of myself as a field goal kicker. I get to wear a uniform and a helmet and everything. I have to go to practice, but let's face it.

18:41 Adam No, you're not going anywhere.

18:44 Darrell Hammond I come in in the third quarter and I chip one in. That's how I earn my money.

18:48 Adam Right. For years, I don't know what the chronology is, but in my mind, it would be like a Dan Aykroyd did a lot of impressions.

19:01 Darrell Hammond Aykroyd, Carvey, Hartman.

19:03 Adam Carvey and then Hartman.

19:05 Darrell Hammond Eddie Murphy.

19:06 Adam Yeah, although Eddie Murphy was different in a way because at least to me, a lot of his things weren't impersonations, but they were more characters.

19:17 Darrell Hammond Mike Myers.

19:18 Adam Right, but you have sort of stepped in to fill that space and they need that and they're always going to need it.

19:26 Darrell Hammond I hope so.

19:27 Adam Oh, absolutely. How can you do it? You couldn't do a show like that if you didn't have someone who could do the president or have the ability to do whoever was current. And what about that? I mean, what about Bush or Gore?

19:41 Darrell Hammond What about him?

19:42 Drew Who do you want to be president?

19:43 Darrell Hammond I want Gore to be president.

19:45 Drew He's easier to...

19:46 Darrell Hammond No, I think he could be a lot more fun to do. And they told me I'll be playing him. So I want him to be the president. And I think everyone should.

19:53 Adam I don't, you know, I look at Gore and I know that's part of the ramp with him is that he's wooden and doesn't really have anything too distinct going on. But he doesn't, he seems like a guy who doesn't have any real distinct mannerisms.

20:08 Darrell Hammond I think in the fall, when he gets under presidential scrutiny, I think, I think you'll see the things that I see and the tapes that I order from C-SPAN, that he has a very interesting personality and real quirky.

20:21 Adam Oh really?

20:22 Darrell Hammond Oh yeah, oh yeah. And a very interesting form of speech too.

20:25 Adam Can you give us a little Gore?

20:28 Darrell Hammond I haven't, you know, really started working on the voice because I've been trying to figure out what's kind of impediment, I think it's a slight speech impediment. Did you watch any of the debates this year?

20:44 Adam No, I try to stay far away from politics and anything really, anything that I call learning. I know. But I've seen Gore obviously many times and nothing ever jumps out at me. I mean, he's certainly no Ross Perot.

21:00 Darrell Hammond Well, think about this, think about the vice presidential job, the slot. Think about what you get to do with your brains and your heart and your drive and your patriotism. You get to go to a bake sale. You get to do all the, you know, Clinton's in Taiwan. Like when I was there at the White House, Clinton had these these like Asian distinguished businessmen. He'd be talking to them. He'd just be going, you know, there is nothing wrong with democracy that cannot be fixed by what is right with democracy. Right across the hall is like Gore with kindergartners, right?

21:35 He's like, four simple steps to food safety. Clean, separate, cook, chill. You know, can I get a what?

21:42 Darrell Hammond But I was going to say, can I get a what? What? That's kind of funny.

21:47 Adam Is Clinton, I mean, and I know you get this all time and I'm sure we covered it last time, but man, you are brutal when you do some of those Clintons. I think I saw a rerun. Well, there's the one where you're on the news segment. And you're talking about reviewing the movie Air Force One and stuff like that. And I mean, it is brutal.

22:13 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

22:13 Adam Brutal. And it's really hard. Have you heard from him or talked to him?

22:17 Darrell Hammond Quite a bit.

22:18 Drew No.

22:19 Darrell Hammond Yeah, he invited me to the White House three years ago. I went and performed with him at the White House Correspondence Dinner. And again, this past, I guess it was probably six weeks.

22:33 Drew He didn't take any shots at you?

22:34 Darrell Hammond He did.

22:34 Drew What do you say?

22:36 Adam Yeah. I mean, anything post Monica.

22:38 Darrell Hammond Yeah. He's just like, he went up before me and he's like, poor Darrell Hammond. What will he do when I am gone? And he goes, come to think of it, what will I do when I guess I'll become a Darrell Hammond impersonator.

22:53 Adam So he doesn't begrudge it.

22:56 Darrell Hammond And he doesn't act like it.

22:57 Adam Wow.

22:58 Darrell Hammond Hillary, on the other hand, Hillary tends to smile at me, but not with her eyes, just the mouth. It's sort of like laughter and rage are really indistinguishable to her now.

23:13 Adam I'll tell you, I couldn't imagine in a way her position even more than his when you're up there doing that, and doing a dead on Clinton, and some of the stuff that's coming out of your mouth, especially, like I said, some of those segments during the news, I mean, I really expect to see a sniper's bullet go right through your forehead, halfway into it.

23:40 Darrell Hammond I've had some pretty serious stalkers. I've had two.

23:43 Adam I'm talking about Secret Service. I'm not talking about crazed fans.

23:47 Darrell Hammond Oh, yeah. I almost got whacked by the Secret Service last time, and when I did the Correspondent Center six weeks ago, because I got lost in that giant hotel and it's circular in Washington, like the DC Hyatt or something. And I didn't have any ID on me, and this guy comes up, and I said, can you show me where the ballroom is? Yeah. It was so weird. The guy goes, could you show me some ID? I'm like, I don't have ID. I'm on the show. I'm performing tonight. I'm doing a half an hour stand up. Show me some ID. It was really rough. It was really rough.

24:20 Adam Security is great. They're very impartial.

24:23 Drew Did you have a flashback to your...

24:24 Darrell Hammond I started getting like angry with this guy. I'm like, excuse me, you know, I'm thinking to myself, you know, these people in DC are really freaking rude. And then it hit me. I saw the little coil behind the ear and I went, oh my God, these are shooters.

24:38 Adam Right. It's got the earpiece stuck in there. Like Drew on Loveline, the TV show.

24:43 Darrell Hammond When I say that Gore has an impediment, I'm not sure if he does or if he doesn't, but I think it's sort of like something that you see in the South. Like he went to an Evangelical school and it's primarily among Evangelists. Like they'll say something like phony and scurrilous charge.

25:01 Scurrilous.

25:03 Darrell Hammond And it's not like a gay lisp, it's a preacher lisp.

25:05 Right.

25:06 Darrell Hammond You know what I'm saying?

25:07 Adam Yeah, he talks without opening his mouth and it keeps his teeth together.

25:11 Most of the time, he just gets up there and goes, I want to say, I want to do it.

25:17 Darrell Hammond And it's very unanimated. But when you see him, you see him off camera, you'll notice that he's got, he's really interesting. I swear.

25:26 Adam That's the same with Drew. The second you turn the camera off, he lights up. That's when he shines on the ride home from the studio.

25:32 Drew The wooden element just melts back.

25:34 Adam All the bark peels right off you and you glow.

25:36 Darrell Hammond Who are you voting for, Drew?

25:38 Drew I don't know yet. I'm sort of leaning towards Gore myself. I haven't really got dug in yet.

25:43 Darrell Hammond Tell me the prop. I'll convince you.

25:46 Drew To do what?

25:46 Darrell Hammond No.

25:47 Drew I'd actually like to meet the guys. There'd be some place where you can sort of get a feeling for him. I'd get behind somebody I really believe in.

25:53 Darrell Hammond I couldn't do. You got to go.

25:55 Adam We got to take a break, but we'll get into this.

25:58 Darrell Hammond Let's talk about Gore and syphilis and any drugs and gyno, that thing.

26:04 Adam When we come back. Yep, it is Loveline.

26:43 Darrell Hammond I want to meet him too.

26:44 Adam I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew over there, and that's Darrell Hammond over there from Saturday Night Live. You can find him at the Lebray Improv starting tomorrow. That would be Thursday, and going through to Sunday. And you like doing stand-up?

27:00 Caller Yeah, hell yeah.

27:01 Darrell Hammond Unless you get to do the clubs, you know, when you get a TV gig, you get to do all the clubs you couldn't get in before. Yeah, and the improvs are all really good clubs.

27:09 Adam Right, it's not like, come on down at 6.30, sign up, we'll put all the names in a hat, then we'll draw them in no random order, except for the guys who were here last week who we like. And then we'll put you on, and when we hit you with the flashlight, or when Eddie Cantor's head lights up, that means it's time to tell your last joke. Not your second to last joke, not third to last, not your last story, your last joke. You're off that stage in three minutes, and we'll pull the goddamn mic.

27:38 Darrell Hammond And consider when they're going to put you on. When I first got to New York, I was rejected by every club in that city. But they put you on at 2 o'clock, 2.30 in the morning. I mean, please, you have these disinterested people who have been cajoled and just sort of coaxed, come on, free drinks, come inside, it's stand-up comedy, come on inside. And they come in, they're just like, oh my God, how do I get out? You know, there's, ugh.

28:03 Adam I've done stand-up comedy maybe 15, 20 times in my life. And I'd say if you took the combined audience and separated them from audience members to other comedians waiting to get up, it'd be about a 70-30 split. I've done more stand-up for other stand-ups waiting to get on.

28:21 Darrell Hammond Absolutely.

28:22 Adam And just sort of sitting there looking like you'd be looking if you were going through your routine in your head and thinking to yourself, this guy represents the competition and I got to hop up there and just, that's right. Boy did I hate stand-up. Lewis?

28:37 Caller Yeah.

28:38 Adam You're 18. What's up?

28:40 Caller Okay. First off, y'all guys rock, right?

28:43 Adam Thank you.

28:44 Caller And okay. The problem is this weekend, me and a couple of friends went out and we partied, because we just graduated. And I don't know, I got real drunk and I guess stoned too. Anyway, I can't remember much about the night, but I remember waking up totally nude next to my best friend.

29:03 Drew Yeah.

29:03 Caller And it looked like we had done it.

29:05 Adam Why?

29:06 Caller I haven't decided yet. I like-

29:08 Drew What makes you think you've done something?

29:11 Caller Because there were some stains.

29:13 Drew I don't buy it.

29:13 Adam No, there weren't.

29:14 Drew I don't get it. Lewis, please.

29:15 Adam What kind of stains? This is going to be good.

29:19 Caller I think we all know what kind of stains.

29:21 Caller They're cum stains.

29:23 Adam They're cum stains.

29:25 Darrell Hammond Where were they?

29:26 Adam Yeah. On your chin or on small of your back or on the comforter?

29:31 Caller Small of my back.

29:32 Adam Small of your back.

29:33 Darrell Hammond And were you sore?

29:35 Yeah.

29:36 Adam Yeah. I know.

29:38 Darrell Hammond There's a telltale sign, huh?

29:39 Adam Now, whenever I wake up and see something a dry and flaky on my skin, I assume that another male ejaculated on that spot.

29:47 Darrell Hammond It's a natural assumption.

29:49 Adam Yeah. And I wouldn't be wrong.

29:50 Darrell Hammond And you're not alone. It's okay.

29:53 Adam Lewis, so you think you're gay?

29:55 Caller No.

29:56 Adam All right.

29:56 Caller I had problems with my sexual identity or anything.

29:58 Adam Okay.

29:59 Caller But I don't know.

30:01 Caller He was talking to me beforehand.

30:02 Caller He's like my best friend. He's like my brother.

30:04 Adam Right.

30:04 Caller And he had been telling me this beforehand. But I didn't, you know, I like told him, you know, if you go through the change, I'll still be here for you. But I didn't think anything like this would happen.

30:12 Adam All right.

30:13 Drew The change.

30:14 Adam The change, the transformation over to the brown side.

30:17 Caller Yeah.

30:18 Adam All right.

30:18 Caller I don't know. Like he's still my friend.

30:20 Drew All right. Good. Good night, Lewis. All right.

30:22 Adam That's fine. You're okay. All right.

30:24 Caller I'm wondering like how to-

30:26 Adam How to what?

30:27 Caller How to like confront him and like get this past us because we haven't talked since this happened.

30:31 Caller It's been like at least five days.

30:33 Adam All right. Well, give it another five days and then pretend like nothing happened. All right. All right, Lewis. You're fine.

30:39 Caller All right. Cool.

30:40 Adam Thank you. All right. Yeah. I didn't really buy that.

30:43 Drew Oh, are you kidding?

30:44 Adam Clint.

30:45 Darrell Hammond What am I missing here?

30:46 Drew That was just BS.

30:47 Hello?

30:47 Darrell Hammond Oh, he was making that up. Okay.

30:49 Adam Clint, you're 19.

30:50 Caller Yes, sir.

30:51 Adam What's up? Yeah. Because straight guys don't call and brag about getting sodomized in their sleep. Rarely do they do that.

30:58 Drew That's not the way that story would go down.

31:00 Adam Yeah. Guess what? Right, right. What's up, Clint? Hey, let me ask you a question. Drew, are you going to those MTV Movie Awards?

31:07 Drew I think so.

31:08 Adam You are? When is that?

31:09 Drew I have to do a graduation speech that night and I'm trying to get over there for that.

31:12 Adam Is that Saturday?

31:13 Caller Yeah.

31:14 Adam Where's that at?

31:15 Drew Across the street here, like Sony.

31:17 Adam Oh, it is?

31:17 Caller Yeah.

31:17 Adam What time? You don't know?

31:19 Drew No.

31:20 Adam How come I didn't get invited?

31:21 Drew You're invited. I am? I got you seats.

31:24 Adam You got me seats? What are you talking about?

31:27 Drew I checked in to see if we had seats.

31:30 Adam How come no one told me anything about that? I don't know.

31:32 Drew I checked to make sure you had them.

31:33 Adam All right. I can't go.

31:35 Drew Then I'll take them.

31:36 Adam Go ahead. You want them?

31:37 Drew Why can't you go?

31:38 Adam Well, A, I'm sure they're crappy seats because it's MTV.

31:41 Drew Yeah.

31:42 Adam And B, I got to work. We're doing two man shows on Saturday.

31:46 Drew Till when?

31:47 Adam I'll probably get wrapped at 9.30, 10 o'clock at night. Are you going to the parties afterward?

31:52 Drew There isn't one.

31:53 Adam Oh, there isn't? Well, not one. There's one. There's just not... They're not telling you about it. Right, right. It's MTV. Clint?

32:01 Caller Yes, sir.

32:01 Adam All right, so you're 19. What's up?

32:05 Caller I started about two and a half, three months ago. I started dating a 15-year-old girl. Found out three weeks ago that she was pregnant.

32:13 Drew Right.

32:15 Caller Is that... Yeah.

32:16 Drew What's up with you going out with a 15-year-old?

32:19 Caller I don't know. It just happened. I see. Her mom's okay with it and everything, but she doesn't... Nobody knows that she's pregnant with me and her and like a few of our very close friends.

32:31 Drew Okay.

32:33 Caller And I was just wondering if there was anything that like, you know, like am I going to go to jail or, you know, I did what I did with Lo.

32:41 Drew What state are you in?

32:43 Caller Georgia.

32:44 Adam Yeah.

32:44 Drew Do we have the age of consent? What's the age of consent in Georgia, Glenn?

32:49 Adam I picture, by the way, I don't picture, when you say with your dialect, you're going to jail, I don't picture a jail. I picture like a pokey, and I picture Alex Carras with a baseball bat sort of walking up to your house, not actual uniformed guys. I'm picturing like coming up a dirt road, Alex Carras carrying a pool cue and coming up, calling him boy, maybe wearing reflective sunglasses.

33:15 Darrell Hammond Don't tell him that, man.

33:17 Adam That's what I'm seeing, Glenn.

33:19 Darrell Hammond Glenn, what is the age of consent in Georgia?

33:22 Caller I'm not sure. I believe it's 16.

33:23 Drew It's probably 16. Well, usually in these situations where there is a legal problem, it's the parent.

33:29 Caller She turned 16 in August.

33:31 Caller Glenn?

33:32 Caller The beginning of September.

33:33 Adam I see. Her mother would probably have to press charges.

33:37 Drew That's right. It's usually the parents that push these issues.

33:40 Adam And I'm guessing her mom was pregnant with her when she was 14, so she's not going to be likely.

33:45 Drew No doubt.

33:47 Adam How old is her mom? 28?

33:50 Caller She's 35, 36.

33:52 Adam Oh, yeah. But she's the youngest.

33:55 Drew How many brothers?

33:56 Adam She has a 49-year-old brother.

33:59 Drew How old is her oldest sibling?

34:00 Caller She's the only child.

34:03 Adam Really? She's a whopping 35, a ripe old age of 20 when she was pregnant? Well, 19.

34:12 Drew Yeah.

34:12 Adam Yeah, and she's going to be 16, so she could have been 18. There you go. That's making a little more sense. Hey, Clint.

34:19 Caller Yes, sir.

34:19 Adam Why did you get that 15-year-old pregnant, you goofball?

34:23 Caller I don't know.

34:24 Adam Okay. Well, you listen. You're not a good thinker, so I'm going to do the thinking for the both of us, all right?

34:29 Caller Okay.

34:29 Adam All right. A, you cannot get her pregnant again or anyone else pregnant again for a long time, all right? You've got to start using protection. You understand?

34:40 Caller Yes, sir.

34:41 Adam B, you've got to figure out what you're going to do with this pregnancy. She wants to keep it.

34:48 Caller Yeah, we'd like to.

34:49 Adam You'd like to, too?

34:51 Caller Yeah.

34:51 Drew So you're going to marry her?

34:53 Adam Well, yeah. That's not good. Yeah.

34:54 Drew I always say yes.

34:55 Adam Really? So you're going to get married and that'll be it, huh?

34:59 Caller I guess so. I mean, you know, I really love her, you know?

35:03 Adam All right. Fine. All right. Don't get her pregnant for a little while and get that truck driver's license and, you know, carve out a niche for yourself. What do you do, Clint?

35:14 Caller I just started a job at a warehouse. It's about 20 miles from where I'm going to be going to school at.

35:21 Adam You're going to school?

35:22 Caller Yeah. I start school in August.

35:23 Drew That means time.

35:24 Adam Trying to get your GED?

35:26 Caller No. I'm going to college. I see. I graduated last year.

35:28 Adam I see.

35:29 Drew All right. Well, you may not be able to go to college if you're raising a child.

35:32 Caller It's going to be tough.

35:33 Drew Yeah. It's going to be tough.

35:34 Adam All right, Clint. You sound fairly noble for a guy who bangs minors. All right. Take care of your kid, though. Do you hear me?

35:42 Caller I appreciate it.

35:43 Adam Don't ever throw any tobacco at him.

35:45 Caller I don't want you to smoke.

35:47 Adam Okay. No, I meant dip.

35:49 Caller I don't do that either.

35:49 Adam Okay. Good man, Clint. You take care of her. Boy. All right. Well, listen, we always frown on these kinds of relationships and we should, but who cares?

36:01 Caller That's what I'm saying.

36:03 Adam I don't have time for everybody.

36:04 Drew Well, look. Okay. Let's take a second and comment about-

36:07 Adam He wants to marry her. She's going to be 16 in a short year and a half.

36:12 Drew He wants to make a go of this.

36:13 Adam He wants to make a go of it. He's got himself a nice job guarding the warehouse.

36:17 Darrell Hammond But isn't that sort of chilling to hear someone say, well, I guess we'll get married. I guess you'll get married. I guess I'll get in the ring with Mike Tyson. I guess.

36:25 Drew I mean, you have no idea. They're like, oh, we'll have two kids. What about marriage? That's a commitment.

36:31 Darrell Hammond Yeah, but that's a huge commitment. I mean, right?

36:34 Drew Yeah, but the kids, how about that?

36:37 Darrell Hammond Believe me, I'm with you, but I'm just saying, if someone says, maybe I will, maybe I won't get married. Marriage isn't that sort of turf. It really requires.

36:46 Adam But if you want to screw that up, that's your business. To me, if you want to screw a kid up, it's sort of everyone's business. I agree. Because it takes a village. Christian? You're 24.

37:01 Drew Yeah.

37:01 That last call just made me realize I am insane. Same as an insane world.

37:07 Drew Why is that?

37:08 Okay. What happened? People are nuts, man. Okay. I had a grand mal seizure about a year ago. I was actually driving home from work and a cop pulled me over. The only time I've been happy to be pulled over by a cop. And as I gave him my license, I went to a grand mal seizure and I ended up in the hospital.

37:28 Adam What is that?

37:29 A grand mal seizure is when you're out, you're going into a convulsion.

37:32 Darrell Hammond Is that drug induced?

37:33 You're complete.

37:34 Adam What's it called, Drew?

37:35 Drew Seizure. Why did you have?

37:37 Adam Why should you keep calling it a grand mal?

37:38 Drew Generalized seizure is a better way to say it.

37:39 A grand mal seizure is different than a petty mal or partial compulsa.

37:43 Drew Yeah.

37:44 Adam Yeah.

37:44 Drew It's more accurately called a generalized seizure.

37:46 Okay. Generalized seizure.

37:47 Drew But what was going on? Where did that come from? Why do you have a seizure?

37:52 You know, I don't know. I was thinking about that. I wonder if I kind of like I was just so stressed out.

37:57 Drew Did you see a neurologist?

37:58 Oh yeah. I've been, I've been, oh my god, I've been to Stanford University and doing all this stuff.

38:02 Drew And what do they think this is caused by?

38:05 Every single doctor gives me a different diagnosis. And wouldn't you believe that when I find out what their specialty is, that's what they gave me?

38:14 Drew It's called the hammer nail. It was my hammer nail theory. When you're a hammer, the whole world's a nail.

38:18 It's ridiculous. But my question is, they put me on Dilantin, Tegretol, Depakote, and Effexor. Obviously, that's some anti-depression stuff.

38:30 Drew You're on all of those now?

38:31 No. I just weaned myself off of it.

38:33 Adam All right.

38:33 Drew Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

38:34 Adam Hold on. As difficult as it is, I have to wean myself off of you for just a few minutes. All right, Christian?

38:41 Oh.

38:41 Drew Hold on.

38:42 Adam We're going to take a break. Don't worry.

38:44 Why are you putting me into the bin or something?

38:48 Adam No. You'll go into the trough later on, but I'm not done raping you.

38:53 All right?

38:54 Adam All right. As soon as you're sufficiently worked over, then we'll discard you.

38:59 Drew Christian, our sane caller in an insane world.

39:03 Adam She may have that juxtaposed just a little bit. Yeah. She is nutties the day is long. I can hear it in her voice. Boy, the hairs on the back of my ass.

39:13 Darrell Hammond What causes a seizure like that?

39:15 Drew We'll talk about it.

39:16 Adam We'll take a break. Darrell Hammond is here from Saturday Night Live, and we'll get to the nutty Christian after this.

39:26 Caller We'll be right back with more Loveline.

39:59 Adam It is the Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew. That is Darrell Hammond in the background. You will find him on Saturday Night Live and this week at the Libre Improv. Thursday through Sunday. Do you do one show a night or two shows a night?

40:14 Darrell Hammond I do two Friday and two Saturday. And the other times it's one.

40:18 Adam I see.

40:19 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

40:19 Adam And how long a set do you do?

40:22 Darrell Hammond 45 to an hour.

40:23 Adam Oh man, that's a lot of talking.

40:25 Darrell Hammond That's a lot of talking.

40:26 Adam Yeah. And I guess you pack them in now because it's as seen on Saturday Night Live, right?

40:33 Darrell Hammond Yeah. SNL's got quite a calling card.

40:36 Adam Yeah.

40:37 Darrell Hammond It really is.

40:39 Adam It's strange though, and I'm not trying to take any wind out of your sail, but it can mean so much for some people and so little for others. I mean, there's examples of people who are on Saturday Night Live, who have catapulted to the stratosphere of stardom, and then there's people who you don't even remember were on for four seasons.

41:03 Darrell Hammond Yeah. Like who? Don't remember.

41:06 Adam Well, no. Seriously, having difficulty remembering their name, but I'll give you an example. What? I'd have to have the cast in front of me, but about six, seven, six, seven, maybe eight seasons ago, there was a blonde haired woman who did Marcia Brady, or she did Jan Brady, was her big character. And I can't think of her name right now. She didn't, you don't know what I'm talking about. You guys didn't watch it. She had a little bit of a double chin, and she would do Jan, and it was Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. She was always doing the Jan Brady character.

41:42 Darrell Hammond Is it funny?

41:43 Adam Yeah, she's great at it, but the point is, she's doing, she's down at 99 seat theaters, down on La Brea now.

41:51 Darrell Hammond Is she for real?

41:52 Adam I don't know, the point is she didn't, she didn't parlay it into a million dollar career. And what about, I don't know, Jan Hooks, or not Jan Hooks, but.

42:02 Darrell Hammond Jan Hooks works all the time though.

42:04 Adam Who is it, who went nuts when Dice Clay was gonna come on? Remember that big controversy? Dice Clay was gonna come on Saturday Night Live. It was about.

42:15 Darrell Hammond And someone boycotted.

42:17 Adam Eight or ten years ago now. And there's a dark haired sort of attractive woman who was on the show who said, I will not do that show if Dice is gonna guest host. And she sat out and he did. It was a big controversy. And you haven't heard from her too much over the last ten years. And I don't know why you guys are calling me out on this.

42:38 Drew No, no, no, no. I'm actually curious.

42:39 Adam The list is long.

42:40 Drew Is that right? Interesting.

42:41 Adam Yeah, it's not a guarantee. I mean, it works out real well for a lot of people. But for others, they seem to be able to just move on and fade back into wherever they were.

42:52 Darrell Hammond Well, I mean, as an example, that's not going to happen to Darrell Hammond. Oh, it could easily happen to me.

42:56 Adam It's probably going to happen to Darrell Hammond.

42:58 Darrell Hammond I'm sensing that it's on its way.

43:01 Adam By tomorrow, it will have.

43:03 Darrell Hammond I'm done. I'm finished. That's it. But as an example, I'll be back to the hollow once I came.

43:08 Drew As an example.

43:10 Darrell Hammond Well, I mean, I can do, because I've done voices on the show, it seems to me that I might be welcome at an audition. I might be able to get great auditions or auditions I couldn't get before. I don't say that it's made for me, but I mean, like, I'm trying to prepare for when I'm not there anymore, but I just don't know when that's going to be. Like, I'm taking acting now.

43:32 Adam But they're not, like I was saying earlier, the role that you fill on that show. I just couldn't see them. I mean, I think you'll leave the show when you're ready to leave the show. I just couldn't see them cutting you because it's such a vital role that you play.

43:46 Darrell Hammond I hope you're right.

43:47 Adam Oh, I absolutely am. Christian?

43:50 Yeah.

43:51 Adam All right, so you're 24.

43:53 Caller Same thing happens to comics on late night radio stations. Okay, go ahead.

43:56 Adam Oh, yeah, you know me. Nothing but a downward spiral since I got into this business.

44:02 Caller I'm on it too.

44:03 Adam Yeah.

44:04 Darrell Hammond Are you a comic, Christian?

44:05 Adam I have two TV shows.

44:06 Caller No, but my life is one big effing joke.

44:08 Darrell Hammond Is that right?

44:09 Drew What's with the seizure here?

44:10 Adam What's up with you, baby?

44:12 Caller I don't know, but okay, so I'm on all these medications, right? I feel like I'm in a coma for a year. I finally tell my doctors, look, I cannot stay on this. They won't give me any other alternative. So under doctor supervision, I wean myself off it for three months. And now I don't take anything but this drug called Seroquel that I just take sometimes at night when I can't get to sleep.

44:31 Drew Yeah, Christian, these are all powerful psychiatric medications.

44:34 Caller Well, the Seroquel is, but the...

44:36 Drew Well, it serves to effect, sir, in the depakote and all that. All right.

44:39 Caller It was because I was depressed, because I don't know, I just had this beer and... Yeah?

44:43 Adam What got you going down the nutty road in the first place?

44:47 Caller You don't have that long of a show.

44:48 Adam I mean, yeah, who did what to you? Something bad, right?

44:52 Darrell Hammond I have a topic after this.

44:54 Caller OK, that's even all... It's not even pertinent to my question.

44:57 Adam Well, I'm curious. Satisfy that for me, please. What happened?

45:02 Caller Good.

45:03 Adam Dad?

45:04 No.

45:06 Caller I was abducted in broad daylight.

45:10 Adam And what happened when you were abducted?

45:12 Caller Well, I know, sick, huh? That's when I was like 14.

45:15 Adam And what did they do to you?

45:17 Caller Well, he just picked the wrong person to mess with because it's just like, for me, I don't want to live... I can't live after somebody rapes me. Why don't they just take a big old dump on me? I said, so you're going to have to kill me first, you know, and that's what he tried to do.

45:30 Adam So he abducted you. Who was this person?

45:33 Darrell Hammond Was he a name abductor? Did he have a rep?

45:36 Caller I don't know.

45:38 Adam You weren't familiar with this guy?

45:39 Darrell Hammond No, no.

45:40 Adam Wasn't mom's boyfriend or something?

45:42 Drew How'd you get away?

45:43 Caller Yeah, he got arrested and I went through the whole court thing. I was on the stand for four hours and the guy got off still.

45:49 Drew Oh my God. How'd you get away?

45:51 Caller Nice, huh? I didn't actually. He was like, he practically bludgeoned me to death.

45:55 Adam And why'd he get off then?

45:57 Caller Some kind of technique. I don't even know. I don't even know. That was like so long ago.

46:01 Adam I see. But he raped you and tried to embludgeon you?

46:05 Darrell Hammond No, he abducted her.

46:06 Adam Well, did he rape you?

46:07 Caller I don't think so.

46:09 You're insane.

46:10 Adam Well, you would know though, wouldn't you?

46:13 Caller Well, I don't know. My whole body hurts. So I don't know. I mean, I have bruises from the head of my head to the tip of my toe. Something's been, yeah, it's true. I've been a little defiable.

46:22 Adam And before that, nothing?

46:26 Caller No, I'm just a typical garden variety manic depressive. Nothing major.

46:29 Drew Yeah, Christian, you're on medicines for bipolar, for manic depression.

46:33 Caller Right.

46:33 Drew Okay.

46:34 Caller So my question is about the medications. Like for the last year, sex has been not even on my agenda. You know, not interested.

46:42 Drew Good, fine.

46:43 Caller But now, okay, this past like three months now, I've been off of everything for about a month except for this circle that I only take, you know, correctly.

46:49 Drew Well, you're getting manic, Christian. I mean, you're having a, you're hypomanic right now. Your speech is pressured, you're laughing at things.

46:54 Caller You're on a radio. God, I'm a little nervous.

46:56 Adam Listen, I'm on the radio. It's like I'm on a Quaalude and Fifth of Nyquil. Are you kidding me? Don't use the radio as an excuse. I could fall asleep any moment now.

47:06 Drew Your thinking is a little tangential, you laugh at stuff that's not funny. That's all hypomania. And I bet you're getting hypersexual too.

47:13 Caller Yes. That's the great, that's great.

47:16 Drew That is mania, Christian. And be careful. This will really, the roof's going to blow off here soon.

47:21 Adam Oh baby. You don't have any kids, do you?

47:23 Caller Hell no.

47:24 Adam Oh, good.

47:25 Caller First person in my family not to have a kid by 16. My grandma owes me a lot of money by now.

47:30 Darrell Hammond What is hypermania?

47:31 Drew Hypomania.

47:32 Darrell Hammond Hypomania?

47:33 Drew It's near manic. And she's heading towards mania.

47:36 Adam All right. She needs to, what, stay on her meds?

47:38 Drew She needs to get back on the depo code. Take some Syroquel tonight. And really talk to your doctors about this, because the biology is beginning to take off again.

47:47 Adam All right. Let's just check in real quick before we go to a break with Mando's 17 masturbates a lot and seeks attention from 40-year-olds. Is that true?

47:56 Hello? Hello?

47:58 Adam Fantastic. What kind of attention do you seek from 40-year-olds?

48:02 Any kind I can get.

48:03 Adam Do you have contact with them?

48:05 Yeah.

48:06 Adam You do. Do you have sex with 40-year-olds?

48:08 Yeah.

48:09 Drew Oh, Adam, you're on.

48:10 Adam Yeah. Game on. Well, I'm 36. Is that too young?

48:13 No, I want you.

48:14 Adam Okay. Hold on a second. I'm going to go masturbate during the commercial break so I can sort of approach this from a more sensical standpoint.

48:22 Darrell Hammond Mind if I join you?

48:23 Yeah.

48:24 Drew Dispassionate point of view.

48:25 Adam Darrell and I are going to do that. We wouldn't want our decision making tainted by semen. We'll be right back after this with Amanda.

48:33 Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191, back in a minute.

48:37 Adam Well, it's worth hearing. It's the Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Matchbox 20 will be in here next week. Be good to see those guys again. That'll be Sunday night.

49:30 Drew When was the last time we saw them?

49:31 Adam It's been a couple years. Yeah. Darrell Hammond is our guest tonight, known from Saturday Night Live. Also, if you're anywhere in the area, you can go out to the La Brea Improv and see him tomorrow night, or Friday night, or Saturday night, or Sunday night. He'll be there all weekend.

49:50 Drew La Brea Improv?

49:52 Adam Yeah. It's in the city of... Wait a minute. It's the Brea. Sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you, Drew. That was quite a faux pas.

50:01 Drew Where is the La Brea?

50:02 Adam No, you're right. I'm thinking of the street, and it's definitely the city. It's in the city of Brea. Then, are you out here to do that? You live in New York? You'll go back?

50:15 Darrell Hammond I'll go back to New York for a few days. Basically, I have to write some new jokes for the fall for the talk shows, you know? I've done so many talk shows, I don't have any more jokes.

50:26 Adam Yeah.

50:27 Darrell Hammond And so I got to write some more jokes, so the best way to do that is to play a good club.

50:31 Adam Right, and get some material.

50:33 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

50:33 Adam And most of your stuff's pretty clean, right?

50:36 Darrell Hammond Very clean. I don't know why. I just, I don't know why it is. I'm embarrassed to get too profane.

50:43 Adam Yeah, me too. When I'm not jacking off, I'm writing.

50:48 Darrell Hammond You tell me I'm not a good set up, man.

50:50 Adam PG type comedy.

50:51 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

50:52 Adam Amanda?

50:53 Caller Yeah.

50:54 Adam You're 17.

50:55 Caller Yes, first can I say hi to Darrell?

50:57 Darrell Hammond Hi, oh, hi Amanda.

50:59 Caller Hi.

51:00 Darrell Hammond How are you?

51:00 Caller Fine, I love you.

51:03 Darrell Hammond Thank you very much. What's going on?

51:05 Caller Nothing.

51:07 Darrell Hammond You want my buddy Adam, is that it?

51:11 Yeah.

51:11 Adam Yeah. Well, I'm 36 now, you know?

51:13 Yeah.

51:14 Adam Yeah, right in your wheelhouse.

51:16 Darrell Hammond And you're 17, Amanda?

51:18 Caller Yes, I am.

51:19 Adam What are you seeing, Adam? And you've had sex with men in their 40s?

51:25 Caller Yeah.

51:25 Adam How many men?

51:27 Caller I've only had, like in their 40s, I've only had like two partners.

51:32 Adam And how about in the 30s?

51:35 Caller Like five, six, seven.

51:37 Adam Oh boy. Where's daddy?

51:40 Which one?

51:41 Darrell Hammond Your dad.

51:42 Adam The original dad. Biological dad.

51:46 Caller I don't know.

51:47 Drew Never met him?

51:48 Caller Well, when I was little, little.

51:51 Adam Right. So he sort of abandoned the family?

51:54 Caller Well, kind of.

51:56 Adam What did he do?

51:57 Caller Well, he abused.

51:59 Drew He sexually abused. Yeah, sexually abused a man and then was kicked down.

52:02 Adam Did he sexually abuse you?

52:04 Caller Not that I know of, no. He abused my mom and so my mom took off.

52:09 Adam I see. So she fled. And then what about stepdad or boyfriends?

52:18 Caller My stepdad?

52:19 Adam Yeah.

52:21 Caller He's cool.

52:22 Adam He's okay guy? Yeah. And never did anything to you?

52:27 Caller Not physically or sexually, just verbally.

52:30 Adam Yeah. So it's just a little verbally abusive.

52:32 Caller Yeah.

52:33 Adam But overall a good guy.

52:36 Caller Yeah.

52:36 Adam Except for the verbal abuse.

52:37 Caller Yeah.

52:37 Adam I see.

52:38 Darrell Hammond Can I ask you a question? Isn't it possible that, I mean, is it possible that a person could have memories actually totally repressed about some sexual trauma?

52:50 Drew Yeah. But in this program anyway, we find that people that have been sexually abused tend to remember.

52:56 Darrell Hammond Tend to remember.

52:57 Drew They have an idea of what it was like.

52:59 Adam I think this is definitely more search for daddy than it necessarily is some sexual abuse that you're acting out on.

53:07 Caller Well, it's kind of like my stepdad now. He's awesome. I mean, I call him my dad.

53:12 Adam Right.

53:12 Caller But, yeah. We don't have a real father-daughter relationship.

53:17 Adam I know.

53:18 Drew What does that mean?

53:20 Adam Why do you call him dad then? Why is he awesome?

53:24 Caller He's just, he's taken over, you know. I mean, he adopted my brother and I.

53:29 Adam I see.

53:29 Caller Yeah.

53:30 Adam All right. So, he's not the world's worst guy, but he doesn't sound like a saint either.

53:35 Caller No. He's had his ups and downs.

53:37 Adam I'm sure. Does he do a little drinking?

53:39 Caller He used to be, him and my mom used to be alcoholics.

53:45 Adam I see.

53:45 Caller Yeah.

53:45 Adam All right. So, Amanda, your mom was an alcoholic. Your original dad was probably an alcoholic.

53:51 Caller Yeah, he was.

53:52 Adam He beat up on your mom or did some bad things to your mom. Then he abandoned you and now everyone's daddy.

53:59 Drew Man is an addict too.

54:01 Adam Yeah. What are you into, Amanda?

54:03 Caller What do you mean?

54:04 Adam What drugs?

54:07 Caller Not that much anymore.

54:08 Adam What were you into?

54:12 Caller Just pot, alcohol, and coke. I did a little bit of heroin.

54:18 Caller I see.

54:18 Adam So just pot, heroin, alcohol, and coke?

54:21 Caller But you never-

54:24 Caller Yeah.

54:24 Adam Just basically the big four is what you're saying, right?

54:29 Darrell Hammond Which is not much.

54:30 Adam Right. And Drew, how dare you make that allegation? Do you have anything to substantiate that? You hear this poor girl? I'm sorry, Adam.

54:37 Caller I don't want to be like the rest of your colleagues.

54:38 Adam Well, I mean, here's the thing. You do a sprinkling of pot, marijuana, alcohol, and coke, and all of a sudden you're labeled a drug addict.

54:46 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

54:49 Adam How dare you?

54:53 Drew This is, I think, an interesting manifestation for addiction. I think the older males are going to give her what she needs, these drugs and the place to do the drugs. She just plays the patsy and surreptitiously gets her disease massage.

55:10 Darrell Hammond That's powerful.

55:12 Drew I think that's what's going on here.

55:13 Caller And it's like, I don't know, I masturbate a lot, too.

55:17 Drew Yeah, that's all part of your addictive disease, Amanda. I suspect you were sort of probably sexualized at a young age. That's what sort of made you hypersexual. But the process of this progressivity and the preoccupation and the sort of consequences that are mounting from your behaviors is really part of an addictive process.

55:35 Adam Alright, so what should she do?

55:36 Drew Well, do you understand that you're an addict?

55:40 Caller I guess.

55:42 Adam Okay, so what should she do?

55:43 Drew Well, really, a man should get a therapist. I don't think she's ready for recovery.

55:48 Caller I have one.

55:48 Drew Yeah, is he or she dealing with your addiction?

55:54 Caller Kind of, I guess. I'm afraid to talk to anybody about it because I don't want to be labeled like a slut or anything.

55:59 Drew Well, you're not, it's like you're an addict. And unless, and about 85, depending what literature you look at, what science you read, about 85% of addicts, alcoholics are sex addicts.

56:09 Adam And you're an addict trapped inside a slut's body. It's basically what Drew is saying.

56:14 Caller Which is fine.

56:15 Drew Thanks Adam.

56:16 Adam Yeah, you're not a true slut. You're just trapped inside one.

56:18 Drew And these choices are going to have consequences. And it's, you're sort of acting something out that you need to explore with your therapist and you need to get in some kind of recovery process going here. And working with your therapist, helping you come to grips with what's going on will increase the probability that you can go down the right path.

56:35 Adam Get honest with your therapist, like I do.

56:37 Caller Oh, yeah.

56:39 Drew Have you talked to him yet?

56:40 Adam Yeah, I was in there Tuesday.

56:41 Drew And you talked about your masturbation.

56:42 Adam Well, I talked mainly about the Lakers.

56:44 Drew Did you talk about your man?

56:44 Adam Shack's inability to convert, you know, when they found him.

56:48 Drew Kobe, Kobe was the problem.

56:49 Adam Kobe had a rough night and that was something, we spent about the first 45 minutes on the Lakers to play off chances.

56:56 Drew And your masturbation habits?

56:58 Adam Oh yeah, we didn't touch on that. I told you, Drew, if I am scared, if I talk too much about masturbation, I'll begin masturbating. Okay, it's, yeah, no one would want to see that. Liam?

57:09 Drew That's true.

57:10 Adam Yes. You're 23, what's up?

57:11 Darrell Hammond How are you guys doing tonight?

57:12 Adam Good.

57:13 Darrell Hammond First I'd like to say hi to Darrell.

57:15 Darrell Hammond Hey Liam, what's up?

57:16 Darrell Hammond Not much, I want to tell you that I absolutely love your work on Saturday Night Live.

57:20 Darrell Hammond Thank you.

57:20 Darrell Hammond Cracked me up every time.

57:21 Darrell Hammond Thank you.

57:22 Darrell Hammond And to Adam, that one lady on SNL that you were trying to think of, I think her name was Melanie Hutzel, if I remember.

57:28 Adam Yeah, she was Melanie, was it Hetzel?

57:32 Darrell Hammond Hutzel, yeah, something like that.

57:33 Adam She was Jan Brady?

57:35 Right.

57:36 Adam Yeah.

57:36 Darrell Hammond Yeah, and she also had that really annoying skit with like the Delta, Delta, Delta, can I help you, help you, help you, something like that.

57:41 Adam She was like a sorority girl?

57:43 Right.

57:44 Adam Yeah. All right. But now we can't think of the name of the chick who took off when Dice Clay came on.

57:50 Darrell Hammond I have no idea who you're talking about.

57:51 Adam That's our next piece of trivia. All right. Well, anyway, Liam, what's your question?

57:55 Darrell Hammond Okay. My question is for Dr. Drew. The first part of the question is, what is the success rate or the failure rate, as it were, for using the withdrawal method?

58:07 Drew Statistically, I'm not sure anybody has looked at what the probability of conception is that way, but it's considered not contraception.

58:17 Darrell Hammond I'm sorry?

58:18 Adam It's not considered a form of contraception.

58:20 Darrell Hammond Right.

58:21 Adam All right.

58:22 Darrell Hammond And is that due primarily to the fact that the pre-fluid is high in sperm?

58:27 Drew Well, even that's debatable. You know, if you look at it, it's interesting. One of our staff members at drdrew.com wrote an article about getting pregnant twice in college. It was her first sexual encounter. Guy withdrew well before ejaculation. She didn't believe she could get pregnant the first time. Is that wives tale out there? Right. She got pregnant. Yeah. Went out second time. Same thing. Guy withdrew. Got pregnant. Twice. Two for two. And the point being that it can happen very easily. And there's debate about whether or not it's actually issue of concentration of sperm or not or how much volume is leaked.

59:07 Adam Well, what about the pre-cum, as they call it? Is that a high concentration of sperm?

59:12 Drew Some people believe it is.

59:14 Adam What do you mean some people believe it? Can't they look into that?

59:17 Drew Probably not in all people that way.

59:19 Adam Yeah.

59:20 Drew And your plumbing is tight, right?

59:22 Adam I have a gasket on there that is made out of Kevlar. It really is. I don't even have a gasket. I have an O-ring around my nuts and nothing leaks through. I'm not a dribbler. Some guys are. And it's like certain dogs do that. Certain dogs don't. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Liam?

59:45 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

59:45 Adam All right. You may be a dribbler, though, right?

59:48 Darrell Hammond Well, there's the second part to my question.

59:50 OK.

59:51 Darrell Hammond Would doing something like taking a small amount of Vaseline and sealing off the entrance to the urethra be effective in preventing the pre-fluid from escaping?

59:59 Adam Yes, that would be a very effective technique. It is outlined in detail on the drdrew.com.

1:00:07 Drew You know, I mean the image. Do you ever have those air guns when you're a kid?

1:00:10 Adam Yeah.

1:00:10 Drew Take them and put them in the dirt. Take them in the dirt, and then where are they? You can take his penis.

1:00:15 Darrell Hammond Well, I mean, assuming that the guy was able to run before he actually...

1:00:17 Adam Yeah, Liam, tar would be more effective, to tell you the truth. It would stay in place. Cement dries hard, it would chip out.

1:00:24 Drew Oh, I see.

1:00:24 Adam I think a tar or an epoxy like... Oh, I'll tell you what would work. Silicone caulking, the stuff you put around your bathtub tile. That'd stay in there. And if you used one of those caulking guns, you could probably get it halfway down the urethra. You know what I mean?

1:00:41 Drew And lay it out there.

1:00:42 Adam Yeah, so it's like before any semen came out, a nice big log of silicone would come flying out. All right. All right, Liam.

1:00:51 Darrell Hammond Liam.

1:00:52 Adam You can't get the girlfriend on the pill or you can't get a condom?

1:00:56 Darrell Hammond No, this is just a hypothetical question.

1:00:58 Adam I understand. Oh, yeah. All right, it's not going to work. You have gum in your penis. Oh, yeah. Gum in the penis. How about that? That was another one of my great ideas. Angel?

1:01:08 Yeah.

1:01:09 Adam You're 15? What's up?

1:01:12 Caller Okay. I have a question. I've been dating this guy for almost a year, and we started having sex really soon after we started going out. We've had sex for almost every time we've seen each other.

1:01:27 Drew How old is he?

1:01:28 Caller Huh?

1:01:28 Drew How old is he?

1:01:29 Caller 18.

1:01:30 Drew How often do you see each other?

1:01:32 Caller At least once a week. But my question is, the times that we don't have sex, I feel really let down and it puts me into a depression, and I'm just in a bad mood for a long time, and I don't know if it's an addiction or an emotional thing.

1:01:50 Drew It's an emotional thing. That would not qualify as addiction.

1:01:54 Adam Are you using protection or is he just a-

1:01:56 Drew Yeah. To try to tease out what's biological about that, what's psychological, very difficult thing to do. It's kind of normal to be let down and be affected by sort of a detachment, a rupture of your intimacy. Although this whole thing has got to be sort of overwhelming to manage at your age. A little bit much.

1:02:15 Adam He's 18, huh?

1:02:16 Caller Yeah.

1:02:17 Adam Is he out of high school?

1:02:19 Caller Yeah.

1:02:20 Adam Is he supposed to be out of high school? He wasn't kicked out of high school?

1:02:24 Caller Nope.

1:02:24 Adam And what's he doing, going to junior college?

1:02:27 Caller He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life yet.

1:02:29 Drew Working a muffler shop.

1:02:30 Adam Where does he work?

1:02:31 Caller A grocery store.

1:02:32 Adam I see. And you met him when you were 14? Oh baby. You don't have any problems with that, huh?

1:02:42 Caller No, I met him when I was 13, sorry.

1:02:44 Adam Oh, I see. And now it's totally a different ballgame. I thought you were 14. That's different. 13 is fine. In the Jewish religion, that's when you become a woman.

1:02:54 Caller Okay.

1:02:54 Adam Except for the beard on the Jewish women doesn't come in until they're like 20, so there's some confusion there. Hey, Angel? Yeah. Don't get pregnant.

1:03:02 Caller I won't.

1:03:03 Adam And is daddy around? He is?

1:03:08 Caller Yeah.

1:03:08 Adam You like him?

1:03:09 Caller Yeah.

1:03:10 Adam All right. Why do you humiliate him this way?

1:03:12 Drew Get that morning after bill. Keep it in your medicine cabinet.

1:03:14 Caller Hey, I'm on oral contraception.

1:03:16 Drew There you go.

1:03:16 Adam There you go.

1:03:18 Caller No, but I just, I don't know what to do though, you know, because it puts me in such a mood. And like, is there anything that I can do, like vitamins or something?

1:03:25 Drew No, no, no. Does he know you feel that way?

1:03:27 Caller Yeah, it's just it, I think it might bother him because like every time I see him, you know, I want to, I want to have sex and.

1:03:35 Adam What's up with you? Anything up with you?

1:03:38 Caller Like what?

1:03:39 Adam You know, anyone abuse you?

1:03:44 Caller No.

1:03:45 Drew Again, reenactment, Adam, anybody abuse you?

1:03:47 Caller No, no. No.

1:03:51 Adam Anything really? Your dad an alcoholic? He ever hit you?

1:03:57 Caller No.

1:03:58 Adam Wow. Listen, did your dad ever hit you?

1:04:01 Caller No.

1:04:02 Adam No? Well, what's up? Why are you answering that way?

1:04:06 Caller Because I'm thinking and then I'm saying.

1:04:09 Adam I see. All right, Angel. Listen, this is your issue. I don't know. There's no easy answer to it.

1:04:18 Caller OK.

1:04:18 Adam But it's definitely yours. And I don't like this guy.

1:04:23 Caller OK.

1:04:23 Adam Do you like him?

1:04:25 Caller I love him.

1:04:26 Adam All right. Well, don't get pregnant, please.

1:04:28 Caller OK.

1:04:28 Adam All right. Mental note. Don't name daughter Angel. Every girl who calls in this show named Angel is 14 and getting it on with a guy who's out of high school.

1:04:40 Darrell Hammond And under community supervision.

1:04:42 Adam Yeah. Yeah. That is bad news.

1:04:44 Darrell Hammond Oops.

1:04:45 Adam Hold on a second. Danny?

1:04:47 Caller Yes, sir.

1:04:48 Adam You're 23. What's up?

1:04:49 Caller Well, I have this girlfriend. The sex girlfriend is coming in from out of state. And she seems to have something called genital warts. Yeah, I know.

1:04:57 Caller I know.

1:04:57 Caller It's bad.

1:04:58 Caller And it's not bad.

1:04:59 Drew It's common.

1:05:00 Caller Well, yeah, I know. But it's bad if you don't have it and you want to have sex with that person.

1:05:04 Adam Can you cross state lines with warts, Drew?

1:05:08 Drew Of course not.

1:05:09 Adam It's not like backyard fruit, is it? You know what I'm saying?

1:05:13 Darrell Hammond There's a tariff.

1:05:14 Adam Yeah, you get stopped at the border.

1:05:16 Darrell Hammond It's not duty free, certainly.

1:05:18 Caller Could be called cubic fruit, couldn't it?

1:05:19 Drew Danny, what's your question?

1:05:20 Caller Well, I just want to know if I can have anal sex with her. I know Adam likes the anal sex questions.

1:05:25 Adam Yeah, I do enjoy those.

1:05:26 Drew Thank you. You're putting a condom on for that, I hope, anyways.

1:05:29 Caller Oh, yeah, definitely.

1:05:30 Drew Why not put a condom on and have a genital intercourse?

1:05:33 Caller Well, I know that her gynecologist told her that condoms won't protect against genital warts.

1:05:38 Drew Not 100%.

1:05:39 Caller Yeah.

1:05:40 Adam But they're certainly going to help.

1:05:42 Caller Yeah.

1:05:43 Caller Well, from what she said, it's too easy to get them if I'm wearing a condom. And then we have vaginal sex.

1:05:53 Caller Let's be honest.

1:05:54 Caller I'm a man and she's got a vagina, so she automatically hates me. So I'm not sure I'm going to get sex anyway.

1:06:02 Adam You sound like a delight, Danny. I'd be surprised if she didn't give you sex.

1:06:05 Caller No, aren't I a sweet talker?

1:06:07 Adam I'm finding myself becoming more and more attracted to you as the minutes wear on.

1:06:11 Caller Well, you know, I have been into the prison thing.

1:06:13 Darrell Hammond The what?

1:06:14 Caller Prison sex.

1:06:15 Darrell Hammond What's that?

1:06:17 Caller I'm just kidding.

1:06:19 Adam Hey Danny, how'd you meet this girl?

1:06:21 Darrell Hammond Oh, we met in high school years back.

1:06:24 Adam I see. And what town does she live in?

1:06:27 Caller Austin.

1:06:27 Adam And where do you live?

1:06:29 Caller I live here in LA.

1:06:30 Adam And she's coming, why can't you find a chick in LA.?

1:06:34 Caller Because she's a very close personal friend. We've been like best friends for years.

1:06:39 Adam I see.

1:06:39 Caller And we dated off and on.

1:06:42 Adam Well, that answered my question.

1:06:43 Caller Yeah.

1:06:44 Adam Why can't you find a girl in LA.?

1:06:46 Caller I'm sorry, because girls find me physically repulsive, and I'm a Star Trek fan.

1:06:50 Adam Oh, I did get that in his voice. And is that, by the way, those of you who, let me explain certain things to certain guys out there, and gals, but mainly the guys, there's certain things you enjoy, certain things that you're proud of, certain things you like to talk about. Understand you're drying up the vagina of the person you're talking to when you're telling them that. Keep it to yourself. Like, you could be insane about Star Trek, it could be your life, still should not be shared with your mate. There's nothing a chick hates more than that. And I'm curious why they find him physically repulsive. Danny, do they find you physically repulsive?

1:07:33 Caller Yeah, I think so.

1:07:34 Adam Is that because of the pointed ears?

1:07:36 Caller No, actually, I think it's just because of the uniform that I wear. It's about three sizes too small, about it when I was 13.

1:07:42 Adam What is it?

1:07:44 Caller Star Trek.

1:07:44 Adam Star Trek, I see. And you don't actually wear that around, though, do you?

1:07:49 Caller Sometimes I do.

1:07:51 Adam What do you do for a living?

1:07:52 Caller I'm a restaurant manager.

1:07:53 Adam I see. Which one?

1:07:55 Caller I can't say.

1:07:56 Adam I see. All right. Does it have a salad bar?

1:08:00 Caller No, it doesn't.

1:08:01 Caller No, no, it is full service. I mean, it's a nice restaurant.

1:08:03 Adam That's a good sign. All right, Danny, really, is there anything wrong with you? Other than the obvious? I mean, physically?

1:08:10 Caller Other than my comic book fascination and my...

1:08:13 Adam Oh, boy.

1:08:13 Caller Yeah, I know.

1:08:14 Adam Dungeons and Dragons?

1:08:16 Caller No, I never got into the Dungeons and Dragons thing. It requires too much mental gymnastics.

1:08:22 Adam I see.

1:08:22 Caller Too much horsepower.

1:08:23 Adam Right. So you see, it's scary, Danny, but you got the worst of all combinations, which is Star Trek Geek, Low IQ. It's a rare combination.

1:08:35 Caller I have small penis also.

1:08:36 Adam Oh, my God. That is horrible. All right, Danny, enjoy yourself. Put the condom on and have fun in the back door there, all right? Right. Yeah. It must be great, though, to be Danny, because he is really... He is going to enjoy this sex at 23, like you enjoyed it at 16. You get that feeling? This is not old hat to him at all. No. She comes in through that front door, she is going to look like a giant turkey leg to those cartoon characters who get trapped on the island. You know what I mean?

1:09:07 Drew A hot dog or a hamburger?

1:09:08 Adam Yeah. She is like a walking hot dog to him. Steven?

1:09:11 Yeah. Hey, what's up?

1:09:12 Adam Hey, you are 13. What's up?

1:09:14 Caller Yeah.

1:09:14 Caller I just want to say, hey, what's up to Darrell Hammond?

1:09:17 Darrell Hammond Hey, buddy. What's up?

1:09:18 Caller Oh, not much, man.

1:09:20 Caller And I love you on Saturday Night Live, dude. You do an awesome job playing Bill Clinton.

1:09:25 I think that is just hilarious.

1:09:26 Darrell Hammond Thank you a lot. Thank you so much.

1:09:29 Adam The show was on 12 years before Steven was born.

1:09:33 Caller And I was...

1:09:34 Caller That's scary. Yeah.

1:09:36 Caller I was wondering if the cast of Loveline and or Saturday Night Live can send me like an autograph by giving my address and...

1:09:46 Adam No.

1:09:47 Darrell Hammond No.

1:09:47 Darrell Hammond No way.

1:09:49 Adam No.

1:09:49 Darrell Hammond No. No, Steven.

1:09:51 Adam Really. Darrell, do you have any pictures, headshots you send out?

1:09:56 Darrell Hammond No. I mean, I... No.

1:09:58 Adam Not on you.

1:09:59 Darrell Hammond I don't have any, but seems like it's a possibility.

1:10:04 Adam Hey, Steven. Yeah. If you send some kind of like self-addressed stamp envelope into us, I think we can send you a picture. All right. All right.

1:10:13 Darrell Hammond And if you want one from me, mail it to Rockefeller Center, 30 Rockefeller Center, 10019, care of NBC.

1:10:24 Adam And you'll get it?

1:10:26 Darrell Hammond Probably, yeah.

1:10:26 Adam You get a fair amount of fan mail and that kind of thing?

1:10:29 Darrell Hammond You get a fair amount, yeah.

1:10:30 Caller Really? Yeah.

1:10:31 Adam What's our fan mail, Drew?

1:10:33 Drew You get fan emails once in a while. Where's that one from yesterday? Did you read that one yesterday?

1:10:37 Adam Yeah, I did. I wouldn't exactly call that fan mail. It's more sort of a deranged psychopath on the warpath.

1:10:43 Drew That's what you get.

1:10:44 Adam Melissa?

1:10:46 Caller Yeah?

1:10:46 Adam You're 17?

1:10:47 Caller Oh, yeah, hi.

1:10:48 Adam You love your boyfriend but you're afraid of him?

1:10:50 Caller Yeah.

1:10:51 Adam And you don't want to get intimate with him?

1:10:52 Caller Right.

1:10:53 Adam Hold on a second. That sounds a little boring. Girlfriend asked him to hit her during a sex prom. Now, wait a minute. Hold on a second. This could be something. John? Yes. Your girlfriend asked you to... All right. So Melissa's been on hold for 80 minutes. We'll get to you, Melissa. Just hold on a second. We got a show to do here. John?

1:11:14 Caller Yes.

1:11:15 Adam Your girlfriend asked you to hit her?

1:11:17 Caller Yeah. See, that's like a little problem for me.

1:11:20 Caller Like every night we have sex a lot.

1:11:23 Caller And it's kind of getting old.

1:11:26 Darrell Hammond But, I mean, we have sex.

1:11:28 Caller And she asked me, like before, we even did anything else.

1:11:33 Caller She just asked me to, like, slap her and just rough her up.

1:11:37 Adam All right. I'm not interested in that either.

1:11:39 Drew I don't know how sad that is. They're 20 years old. I'm bored of it.

1:11:43 Adam Yeah.

1:11:43 Drew That's sad.

1:11:44 Adam Jillian?

1:11:45 Caller Yeah.

1:11:46 Adam You know the actress that didn't go on Saturday Night Live the night the cast member, the night Andrew Dice Clay came on?

1:11:53 Caller That's right. Her name was Nora Dunn.

1:11:57 Adam That's right. Or did I say Nora Dunn? I said Jan Hooks. All right. There you go, Nora Dunn.

1:12:01 Caller Okay.

1:12:02 Adam Another Saturday Night Live alumni who has drifted into obscurity.

1:12:07 Caller That's right.

1:12:08 Adam That will not be the direction Darrell Hammond goes. Exactly.

1:12:11 I can't remember a single skit she was in, but I remember that she didn't show up on the show because she didn't like Dice Clay.

1:12:17 Caller Right.

1:12:18 Adam Well, turned out to be a good move because we're talking about her 10 years later.

1:12:21 There you go.

1:12:22 Caller All right.

1:12:22 Adam Thank you, Jillian.

1:12:23 Thanks, guys.

1:12:24 Adam All right. Hold on. We got to take ourselves a break. When we come back, you want to get to John?

1:12:29 Drew Melissa.

1:12:29 Adam We'll get to Melissa? All right. We'll get to Melissa, then John, after this.

1:12:36 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. We'll be right back.

1:13:09 Adam Yeah, it is Loveline. Adam Corolla is Dr. Drew over there. Darrell Hammond is our guest tonight.

1:13:15 Darrell Hammond Were you ever a jock, a disc jockey?

1:13:17 Adam No. I'm from Saturday Night Live, and this is my only radio job.

1:13:22 Darrell Hammond How dare you?

1:13:25 Adam How dare you, Darrell?

1:13:26 Darrell Hammond What?

1:13:28 Adam Bye, Adam Corolla. Bye, Dr. Drew, Darrell Hammond, funny, funny, funny man.

1:13:32 Darrell Hammond I did that. I did an overnight shift once.

1:13:35 Adam You did?

1:13:35 Darrell Hammond Yeah. I practiced trying to learn how to be a jock. It was terrible.

1:13:39 Adam Where at?

1:13:40 Darrell Hammond Vero Beach, Florida.

1:13:42 Adam When you said did it once, you mean for a few months?

1:13:45 Darrell Hammond Yeah, for a few months and I was really bad at it.

1:13:50 Adam Was it always a goal of yours to get on radio or how did you get into that?

1:13:54 Darrell Hammond I wanted to do voices for a living, and so I needed a recording studio to make my tapes, and I needed to make a lot of tapes to send out a lot, and so I got an overnight position. First pushing buttons and then later actually doing the weather, and then actually being a jock.

1:14:16 Adam What were some of your earliest impressions of voices? Were they voices or they impressions?

1:14:22 Darrell Hammond I did Pee Wee Herman. That was one of my first ones. Eddie Murphy.

1:14:31 Adam Give us a little taste of those.

1:14:33 Darrell Hammond Pee Wee Herman, let's see. I used to do Pee Wee Herman on Dynasty.

1:14:37 Caller Look, Alexis, I like you.

1:14:39 Like you. Like you.

1:14:42 Caller The things about me don't want to know, Alexis.

1:14:45 Things you shouldn't know. Things you could know.

1:14:48 Caller Let's see, let me think.

1:14:48 Darrell Hammond Oh yeah, oh wait.

1:14:50 Caller I'm a rebel.

1:14:51 Darrell Hammond A loner.

1:14:54 Drew I like you, like you.

1:14:56 Adam Why is it so funny? There's something that's so inherently funny about that. If Paul Rubens was sitting here doing it, I wouldn't be laughing. If someone who's doing it and sounding like 99% of it, it's hysterical. What about a little Eddie Murphy?

1:15:14 Darrell Hammond Eddie Murphy. I met Eddie Murphy once and he came up to me and he said, I just want to say your stuff is freakish. That's what he said. Your stuff is freakish. But the way he said it was he goes, and then he laughed. He did his laugh. He said it like, I just want to say your stuff is freakish.

1:15:37 Adam Really?

1:15:40 Freakish, really?

1:15:43 Darrell Hammond I'm like, wow, that's awesome. He goes, no with the Jesse Jackson and the no in the hand of the thing.

1:15:49 Adam Give us a little Jesse Jackson.

1:15:52 Darrell Hammond Ask me any question and I'll give you a Jackson-esque response.

1:15:55 Adam All right. You're familiar with the Million Man March and just- just the last Mother's Day, they had the Million Mom March. Is that a ripoff in any way? Do you feel slighted? Does it take away from your achievement as a Million Man March?

1:16:11 Darrell Hammond Well, we must separate the cream from the coffee. A, to combat the deficit, I've taken a position in the Middle East, and never become in the position of the day. Blacks have not seen a good time under Reagan. I have not run negative ads in Jibbity Jibbity and Ratatatat.

1:16:35 Adam Did you do Maya Angelou too on Saturday Night Live?

1:16:38 Darrell Hammond Tracy Morgan.

1:16:39 Adam It was a really good Maya Angelou. Yeah, yeah, because he really is black.

1:16:44 Darrell Hammond He really does it so well.

1:16:45 Adam Yeah, I was, again, I just sort of remember seeing it recently and I figured anyone who did an impersonation was you, but it was Tracy Morgan. Well, who else do I want to hear from Saturday Night Live? I mean, Jesse Jackson never gets old, of course. There's Clinton. But there's a lot more that I'm not thinking of.

1:17:04 Darrell Hammond There's a lot that I did one time. You know, I just learned, I had a few days to learn it. I mean, it's like Richard Dreyfuss, you know.

1:17:12 Adam Oh, yeah. Richard Dreyfuss, you did. Didn't you? Was that on a game show or?

1:17:21 Darrell Hammond It was a Joe Pesci show.

1:17:23 Adam And where he beats the crap out of everyone with a bat?

1:17:27 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

1:17:27 Adam Yeah. Give me a little Richard Dreyfuss.

1:17:29 Darrell Hammond I love him. I used to warm up with the speech from Jaws, one of his speeches from Jaws. So I'll just do that. Okay.

1:17:36 Adam Right.

1:17:36 Caller All right. Mr. Vaughn, Mr. Vaughn, what we're dealing with here is an eating machine, a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is eat and sleep and make little sharks. And that's all.

1:17:51 I don't think you understand our problems.

1:17:55 Caller I think I understand a little bit about your problems.

1:17:58 You're going to let it swim up behind you and bite you in the ass. Let's give on. Yeah.

1:18:09 Adam All right.

1:18:11 Darrell Hammond There's a lot of voices I only did once.

1:18:14 Adam Oh, let's see. How about Sean Connery?

1:18:19 Caller Yeah, you did Sean, right?

1:18:20 Darrell Hammond I did Sean Connery a couple of times. Yeah.

1:18:23 Adam Now, did you do him? Who did you do on the game show?

1:18:25 Darrell Hammond Actually, I did Sean Connery on Jeopardy.

1:18:28 Adam Right.

1:18:28 Darrell Hammond I did, yeah.

1:18:29 Adam Yeah. Can you give us a little Sean as long as we're rolling?

1:18:32 Darrell Hammond Oh, all right. Sean Connery, let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Capone, like, we got to get down there. We got to work those new teeth in.

1:18:42 Capone pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He puts one of yours in the hospital, you put one of his in the morgue. That's the Chicago way.

1:18:52 Darrell Hammond How was that?

1:18:53 Adam Oh, that was excellent. Perfect. Yeah. Not the defiant ones. What am I thinking about?

1:18:59 Darrell Hammond The Untouchables.

1:19:00 Adam The Untouchables. That's right.

1:19:01 Darrell Hammond Hey, Melissa.

1:19:02 Caller Hey.

1:19:03 Adam Hey, you're 17. What's going on?

1:19:05 Caller Well, I've had this boyfriend for a while, right?

1:19:07 Caller Yeah.

1:19:08 Caller And like I trust him and I love him, but I'm scared of him.

1:19:12 Darrell Hammond Why?

1:19:13 Caller I really don't know. I don't know if I have issues and I want to try to figure it out.

1:19:18 Darrell Hammond You're scared of him on physically? Am I allowed to talk? Yeah, sure. Absolutely.

1:19:23 Adam Only it's Jesse Jackson.

1:19:25 Darrell Hammond Let's separate the cream from the coffee. Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry.

1:19:30 Caller Sometimes physically, I'm scared to get intimate with him and stuff, but then sometimes also emotionally, I'm scared to let him get close to me.

1:19:38 Drew At 17, that's sort of normal to have ambivalence about being open and intimate.

1:19:44 Adam How old is he?

1:19:45 Caller He's 17 as well.

1:19:46 Adam I see.

1:19:47 Drew But is this fear you have of him something sort of real? Is he an aggressive guy? No, no.

1:19:54 Caller He's really passive and he won't fight back.

1:19:58 Adam I see.

1:19:58 Drew He'll try to provoke him?

1:19:59 Adam Try as you might.

1:20:01 Caller Not really. When he'll get an argument, so he won't.

1:20:04 Adam Yeah. Drew's wife has the same problem with him. Is you okay with guys in general?

1:20:11 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:20:12 Adam You like them, no one did you wrong?

1:20:13 Caller Oh, no, no, no.

1:20:14 Adam Daddy was good?

1:20:15 Caller Mm-hmm. Real good.

1:20:16 Adam All right. Well, you got to get over it then.

1:20:19 Caller Hey, is it too late to beg you to do the Lightning Man?

1:20:23 Adam Yes. I might be able to squeeze that in.

1:20:25 Caller I love the Lightning Man.

1:20:27 Adam Do you?

1:20:28 Caller It makes me laugh so hard.

1:20:29 Adam Well, thank you. You're one of the minority who enjoys that.

1:20:34 Caller Oh, not even.

1:20:35 Adam Oh, really?

1:20:36 Caller We talk about it at school and everyone loves it.

1:20:38 Adam Well, I normally don't do it with a guest on hand because it's something I do to fill the time, but maybe I can slide into a little Lightning Round and Darrell can call on his overnight shift experience to do a little can DJ.

1:20:55 Caller Yeah, even just for a little bit.

1:20:57 Adam Yeah, we'll do a little dueling Lightning Round.

1:20:59 Darrell Hammond Tell me, what are we doing?

1:21:01 Adam Well, it's basically I get the cowbell out and slide into the over-the-top DJ.

1:21:07 Darrell Hammond Oh, you do?

1:21:07 Adam And we burn through some calls.

1:21:09 Darrell Hammond Yeah.

1:21:10 Adam That's right. And I think Darrell could play along with that, I'd say. All right. So we'll do that in about five, 10 minutes or so. So let's first talk to Dylan. Dylan?

1:21:21 Caller Yeah.

1:21:21 Adam All right. So you make out with your girlfriend with your clothes on.

1:21:26 Caller Yeah.

1:21:27 Adam And you want to know if she can get pregnant?

1:21:29 Caller Yeah.

1:21:30 Adam Is your fly open?

1:21:32 Caller No.

1:21:32 Adam No?

1:21:34 Drew I don't understand even the question.

1:21:35 Caller Well, I mean, like, could the semen or sperm kind of get through to clothes?

1:21:41 Drew And I don't see how.

1:21:45 Darrell Hammond You know, she was kind of worried about that.

1:21:48 Drew I don't see how.

1:21:49 Adam So you mean if it soaked through your genes and then you put your genes in her, could she get pregnant?

1:21:57 Caller Something like that.

1:21:58 Adam Well, are you having an orgasm or are you just leaking?

1:22:01 Caller Leaking.

1:22:02 Adam You're leaking.

1:22:02 Drew Oh, no. Forget it. Come on.

1:22:04 Adam Yeah. You're all right. What's going on with you two, though? You don't take your clothes off?

1:22:10 Caller No, we haven't had sex yet.

1:22:13 Adam Yeah, but you can still take clothes off sometimes, can't you?

1:22:18 Caller Or mom's always home, so.

1:22:20 Adam I see. You have to keep your clothes on. You just have a big puddle in your pants when you leave the house. That's nice.

1:22:26 Caller I wear a long shirt.

1:22:27 Adam All right.

1:22:28 Caller All right, Dylan.

1:22:29 Adam Listen, when you do have sex, you got to use some birth control, right? Please. Yeah. And you cannot use the withdrawal method because you're a leaker. All right.

1:22:40 Caller I didn't know I fell under a category.

1:22:42 Adam You certainly do. You're the king of the leakers. You understand?

1:22:48 Caller Oh, thank you.

1:22:48 Adam All right. So you cannot pull out. All right. You must wear a condom. Do you understand?

1:22:53 Caller Uh-huh. All right.

1:22:54 Adam Have fun.

1:22:55 Caller Okay. Thank you.

1:22:55 Adam And who does your laundry?

1:22:58 Caller My dad.

1:22:59 Adam Oh, that must be a wonderful experience for him.

1:23:02 Caller Well, I kind of cleaned up before he did.

1:23:04 Adam You clean it up? Good. There's nothing more humiliating for a father than doing a son's laundry and having to break the corduroys over his knee to get them into the washing machine.

1:23:16 Drew Break.

1:23:16 Adam So you're going to take a break?

1:23:17 Drew So we're going to break.

1:23:18 Adam Let me just talk to someone. James? You're 15?

1:23:21 Caller Yeah.

1:23:22 Adam You have wet dreams about girls other than your girlfriend?

1:23:25 Caller Yeah. I want to know if it's normal.

1:23:26 Adam Perfectly normal.

1:23:27 Drew Yeah. Why does that even bother you?

1:23:29 Caller Yeah.

1:23:30 Caller It's because sometimes my girlfriend sleeps over here without my parents knowing. And it's just that I find it very uncomfortable and I haven't told her about it. And I was wondering if I should talk to her.

1:23:43 Drew That you're having dreams about other women?

1:23:46 Caller Yeah.

1:23:46 Adam Oh, buddy.

1:23:47 Drew Keep that to yourself, James.

1:23:48 Adam Yeah. You got a lot to learn. You should never share honest thoughts with your mate. Do you understand me? Never. Only come... Yeah, here's the deal.

1:23:59 Drew Can't a gay male do that at least?

1:24:01 Adam No.

1:24:02 Drew Can't share?

1:24:03 Adam No.

1:24:03 Drew Because men can handle it.

1:24:05 Adam Yeah, a gay guy could do that, yeah. Because his partner's thinking about, you know, one of the guys from Friends while he's getting blown by the other guy. Or possibly you, Dr. Drew. Possibly you. But here's what I'm saying. Here's the deal with women. You know that adage, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all? That's good with the ladies. Just give them the compliments and save all the beefs, all the thoughts, all those things. People always talk about, you should be honest in a relationship, it's important to communicate, all that nonsense out the window. Believe me, it took me a long time to figure that out. Just say the happy thoughts and bury the bad ones. Right, Drew?

1:24:53 Darrell Hammond Yeah, don't even talk to them if you can help it.

1:24:54 Adam If you can, yeah, that's why I like a nice oriental gal. Someone right off the boat.

1:25:01 Darrell Hammond Someone that you can like quote song lyrics from Elton John and claim they're yours.

1:25:05 Adam That's right. What do you mean? I say I am Elton John.

1:25:09 Darrell Hammond Look, Ling Chao, I can't fight this feeling, okay? Deep inside of me.

1:25:14 Adam That's right.

1:25:15 Darrell Hammond Ugeshaga.

1:25:17 Adam Girl.

1:25:17 Darrell Hammond I can't fight this feeling deep inside of me.

1:25:21 Adam I think.

1:25:22 Darrell Hammond Girl, you just don't realize.

1:25:24 Adam What you do to me. Yeah. I thought first you're going to Ario Speedwagon, but I see we went to Ugeshaga. All right. We're going to take ourselves a little break. Darrell Hammond is our guest tonight. When we come back, I think we'll do a little, what's over there?

1:25:38 Drew Just reading that question.

1:25:40 Adam We'll do a little dueling lightning round DJs. Oh, yes.

1:25:44 Drew We'll read Chad's question for everybody to appreciate.

1:25:45 Adam Go ahead.

1:25:47 Drew Chad has heard that the head of your penis will fall off if you have anal sex. That's true. Ace Rockolla will address that.

1:25:54 Adam Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's my name. And listen, gents, that's true if you try getting me. Spread the word. We'll be back.

1:26:31 Hey, this is Jonathan Silverman, and you're listening to Loveline with Ace Rakola and Dr. Drew.

1:26:45 Adam Yeah, that's right, guys and gals out there. This is Ace Rockolla, it's a good part over there. Dr. Drew and his smack dab.

1:26:51 Caller On your Tuesday.

1:26:53 Adam It's a two for Wednesday. Let me check the time real quick. It's 11.46 straight up to 14 minutes away from the top of the hour, 12 midnight, the witching hour, and your smack dab in the middle of the lightning round. Tonight, our guest is the very, very, very, very, very, very funny man, Darrell Hammond. You find him on Saturday Night Live. Let me tell you something. This kid is hot, hot, hot. He's going to be down to brain improv all this weekend, doing his jokes and whatnot. Maybe a little Jesse Jesbell, maybe a little Bill Clinton. You get out there and see him, sport of hands. All right, let's hop back on the phone. Let's see who we got. It's Dr. Drew, call number one. Jesbell.

1:27:32 Caller Hello.

1:27:33 Adam Jesbell, 19 years old.

1:27:35 Caller You guys are crazy.

1:27:36 Adam Yeah, what's going on? Jesbell, let me check time real quick. It's 1146 and 42nd. That is 13 minutes and 20 seconds away from the top of the hour, straight up midnight, there was an hour.

1:27:47 Caller All right.

1:27:47 Adam You listen to Loveline and Ace Rockolla's Bar Die Drop. Darrell Hammond is very funny, very funny man, very funny Saturday Night Live. What's up there, Jesbell?

1:27:56 Caller Can I ask Darrell a question really quick?

1:27:58 Adam Here he is.

1:27:58 Caller Can you hear Bill Cosby?

1:28:01 Darrell Hammond I've never done. You want me to try?

1:28:02 Caller Yeah, you should.

1:28:03 Adam Try a little bit. Darrell, let me check time before you get on. It's 1147 in 10 seconds.

1:28:09 Caller 13 minutes before 12 o'clock.

1:28:11 Adam That's right.

1:28:12 Caller On your Wednesday.

1:28:14 Caller Go ahead, Darrell.

1:28:15 Darrell Hammond Cosby, give me something to say.

1:28:17 Caller Um, you know that funny little laugh does, hmm-hmm-hmm.

1:28:21 Darrell Hammond Uh-huh. I need more, something more distinct.

1:28:24 Caller You never watched Bill Cosby?

1:28:26 Darrell Hammond Yeah, but I have never done The Voice before.

1:28:28 Adam Hey, Darrell's Ace Rockolla died in there. Why don't you talk about Jell-O? Because I know Bill loves that Jell-O. The hawk, that Jell-O, the jaw-hawk. Let me check time real fast.

1:28:36 Caller It's 11... Okay, let me ask me a question.

1:28:38 Adam I'm checking the time here, Jell-O. It's 1147 and 40 seconds. That's 12 minutes and 20 seconds. The wind is out of the hour, straight up minute. Uh, Darrell Hammond, he gets very funny, man. Very funny, Saturday Night Live. Hot, hot, hot. Go ahead, there, Darrell. A little Bill Cosby there with the Jell-O.

1:28:52 Caller Sorry about that, Jell-O.

1:28:54 Darrell Hammond What's up? Are you going to ask me a question?

1:28:56 Caller Um, yeah, I need to ask a question.

1:28:58 Drew Okay.

1:28:58 Caller My question is, okay, I have both my nipples pierced, and I want to know if I'm going to be able to breastfeed, because I know when you take out piercings, it builds up scar tissue behind my neck.

1:29:06 Drew Yes, usually you can. It makes it a little more difficult, but you can.

1:29:09 Caller Usually you can.

1:29:10 Drew Can, C-A-N.

1:29:11 Adam That's good, huh, Jezebel? I see where you got that name.

1:29:14 Caller This is kind of squared out in like three different places.

1:29:16 Drew It tends to be a little more difficult, as I understand.

1:29:19 Adam All right, babe, it's going to be like a rain bird on your yonkers, you know what I'm saying? Thanks, GOWE.

1:29:23 Caller I'm sure you're hot, hot, hot, all right?

1:29:25 Drew On your yonkers?

1:29:26 Adam Yeah, that's right. That's Dr. Drew over there. I'm Ace Rockolla, Darrell Hammond, Saturday Night Live. Very, very, very, very funny man and hot, hot, hot. On your Tuesday. He's going to be at the LeBray & Bravo this week coming up. He's a little bit of a human before you find out.

1:29:39 Caller You big dummy.

1:29:42 Adam That's a little Fred Sand before. It's 1148 and 48 seconds.

1:29:47 I'm Ted Cavill.

1:29:47 Adam That is a little bit of a minute and 12 seconds of waving the top of the hour straight. I was hot back on the bus. Do a little more Ted Cavill for us, Darrell. You're very hot with that.

1:29:57 It's the kind of smut many of the porn stores won't even carry.

1:30:03 Adam That man is a funny man and that's why he is.

1:30:05 There I was down in Cuba. I'll go.

1:30:07 Adam No, Darrell, go ahead.

1:30:09 Darrell Hammond I said, there I was.

1:30:10 I'm down in, I'm in Cuba. I've got Castro on one side. I've got the poop on the other side. And all of a sudden, a girl in Washington gives a BJ to the president. And my dream of a, can I have another margarita? My dream of a, I don't know what to say.

1:30:26 Adam Darrell Hammond, very funny.

1:30:27 Drew What's the secret word, Peewee?

1:30:29 Caller La la la la.

1:30:31 Caller Scurrilous.

1:30:32 La la la.

1:30:33 Caller Hello.

1:30:34 Adam Kevin.

1:30:34 Caller Hey, what's going on?

1:30:35 Adam You're 25, but you're just back there in the middle of the lightning round. I'm Ace Rockolla, because by the way, I drew a sketch over there.

1:30:41 Caller There you go.

1:30:43 Caller Hey, I'm Dr. Drew.

1:30:44 Drew Kevin.

1:30:45 Caller I was skating like about last week on a Wednesday, and I was busting a gap, and I landed on a rail, and I, you know, crunched my nards pretty good.

1:30:54 Drew Both of them?

1:30:55 Caller Yeah, pretty much. And they turned like blackish-purple for a while.

1:31:00 Drew They swell up?

1:31:01 Caller Yeah, big time. It was like elephant titus of the nut.

1:31:04 Drew Why weren't you seen by a doctor then?

1:31:07 Caller Because I didn't really think anything of it. They just put a nice back, you know, like that.

1:31:11 Drew Do testes become the size of grapefruit and they turn blue and, eh?

1:31:15 Caller Yeah.

1:31:15 Drew They hurt like hell. Yeah. I don't know. What point would you actually go see the doctor?

1:31:19 Caller Something's wrong with his testicle?

1:31:21 Adam Hey, Kevin? Yeah? What would it take, like a Komodo dragon hanging off of your testicle's bite jaw in order for you to think something may be up with the testes or is the balloon size in black and blue good enough? That's Darrell Hammond over there, by the way. He's gonna be the brain of all weekend long. Hey, Kevin, get in, see the doc. What do you say, buddy?

1:31:39 Caller Yeah, I'll try to get in.

1:31:40 Drew Yeah, you can rupture the testes. You can permanently affect your fertility to social levels.

1:31:45 Adam Let me tell you something about Ace Rockolla. Something hams the family jewels. I ain't driving myself being airlifted in, you know what I'm saying? Medevac helicopter right out the chimney. Let me check the time. It's 11.51 straight up. That's nine minutes away from the top of the hour. The witch in Hour 12 Midnight. Darrell Hammond, very funny man from Saturday Night Live. Let's go in and join us in. Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny man and hot, hot, hot. Jeff?

1:32:11 Caller Oh my god, dude. I'm so shaking. Adam, you were like, God, dude, I've listened to you guys for so long.

1:32:17 Adam That's right. I'm a deity.

1:32:18 Caller You're so cool in Saturday Night Live, dude. I've been watching it forever since. John Belushi, man.

1:32:22 Adam Thanks, man. Well, you really hit the hat trick tonight. Jeff, you're 16 years old. What's your question, man?

1:32:27 Caller Baby. Yeah. I used to do LSD a lot, like in the seventh grade, like when I was a freshman.

1:32:33 Adam That's why you think Darrell's funny.

1:32:35 Caller Yeah, and I still continue to do it. I don't know, I've been hearing sounds lately. It's like hard for me to get to bed.

1:32:42 Adam All right. Many of you stop doing the LSD.

1:32:48 Drew Jeff, it kills me when kids do this to themselves because acid, ecstasy, these are drugs that are known to damage brain. Time Magazine did a thing about ecstasy. I read it. It was awful. It killed me that they were just basically presenting the facts about people who deal with patients who have damage from ecstasy as though it's some sort of biased presentation of people who have some agenda to get kids to stop doing drugs. Hey, you won't choose to do drugs. Enjoy. But realize the brain gets damaged. You're going to hear voices. You're going to have mood disturbances.

1:33:20 Adam Drew, I know this is a very passionate subject of you and I hate to cut you off, but let me check the time. Thank you very much. It's 11.52 and 37 seconds away from the top there. Peewee Herman and Ted Koppel are both in the studio tonight. Peewee, you there, buddy? Ted, you still standing by?

1:33:38 Caller Absolutely.

1:33:42 Adam Sean Connery's just stepped in the studio. Sean, you hanging with us tonight?

1:33:46 Caller I'm staying for the long haul.

1:33:47 Adam All right, and oh, what a surprise. President Bill Clinton has just stepped in.

1:33:52 Darrell Hammond Let me say to the people of America and the nations of the world that I hate your ass. I swear to God, I do.

1:33:59 Adam Bill, could you step aside for just one second? Jesse Jackson would like to say something?

1:34:04 Caller I'll certainly will set that apparatus in motion.

1:34:09 Adam Ted, any last words, Ted Koppel?

1:34:11 Caller It's the kind of night of the night.

1:34:17 Adam Ted Kennedy stepped into the studio. No, he just left. Ted has not stepped in. Ted just poked his head in to say hi to Jesse and Clinton and he stepped out. I'm Ace Rockolla, that's my partner Dr. Drew. Wait a minute, Adam Corolla stepped into the studio. Do you do an Adam Corolla?

1:34:40 Darrell Hammond No, I don't.

1:34:41 Caller All these hours. He can't be done.

1:34:43 Adam He can not be replicated or duplicated anyway? He can't be repeated. God bless you. And that's why Darrell, you could certainly do a blah blah blah blah blah.

1:34:50 Drew Blah blah blah blah blah.

1:34:51 Adam Blah blah blah blah blah. That's why Darrell Hammond is at La Brea Improv all this week, kitty.

1:34:58 Drew Brea. Brea.

1:34:59 Adam Brea. Yes, I've said that 400 times. We're going to take ourselves a quick break. I'm going to check the time during the time out break. And we'll be back after this. What's up?

1:35:13 Darrell Hammond Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:35:47 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. All right, that about does it for the show. I want to tell all you to go out to the Brea Improv and check out Darrell Hammond.

1:35:57 Drew He's funny, funny, funny.

1:35:58 Adam He is hot, hot, hot, Darrell is. Thursday through Sunday. Also, of course, you can see him on Saturday Night Live, which is on Thursdays on the Fox Network. UPN. UPN, they switch it on UPN. I'm sorry, Thursday nights, 7.45, I believe it is. Darrell, always good to see you. Not only a bona fide talent, but a bona fide nice guy.

1:36:22 Darrell Hammond Thanks man.

1:36:23 Adam Very friendly and enjoy not only conversations on the air, but the conversations during the commercials here.

1:36:29 Darrell Hammond Thanks, same here.

1:36:30 Adam Thanks a lot for coming in.

1:36:32 Darrell Hammond Thanks for having me.

1:36:32 Adam We'll hopefully see you sooner than a year and a half.

1:36:35 Caller Okay.

1:36:36 Adam Until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:36:39 Caller I was abducted in broad daylight.

1:36:43 Adam Well, now.

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Wednesday, May 31, 2000