Episode 1000754887334

0:53 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:56 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:01 Adam Corolla.

1:03 Dr. Drew. I'm not mowling anymore for the two of you. Loveline.

1:08 Adam It is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 3108-54-4455. Dr. Drew's a board certified physician. Turn that down, Ace. And an addiction medicine specialist. All right, there, Dr. Pinsky, what do you say there, bro? Hey.

1:28 Drew Good times, huh?

1:30 Adam Oh, man, I've had more days off than I've had collectively. More days off in a row than you've had all told the last six months, probably.

1:41 Drew Well, four months.

1:42 Adam Four months. I'd say two and a half, three. Yeah, three months. Yeah. I don't know what to do with myself. It's weird.

1:48 Drew I woke up middle of the night, 3 a.m. On a towel.

1:50 Adam Awake. I'm awake. Ready to go do something. I could have had three nights of sleep, and then, hey, back to five hours. Yeah. See, here's where we part ways. I work a lot. I wouldn't call myself a workaholic, but I have a bunch of jobs and a bunch of obligations. I end up working a lot. But the second they shut down, I shut down, I start smoking weed and drinking beer, walking around in a towel all day. I did nothing for three days. And I'm not like you. I can sit still.

2:20 Drew No, I can too.

2:22 Adam It's the seat too much part that I never thought I could get to that I got to. I did nothing but nothing for the last three days. I couldn't have been happier. And by the way, felt normal. I immediately acclimated myself to my new schedule. Immediately. As a matter of fact, you know, by today, I was thinking to myself, this seems like a pretty good schedule. I just putz around and spend money and masturbate and drink beer and somehow, this is how life is from this point on. And no difficulties with it at all. Felt complete. It didn't even feel like a vacation. It just felt like, oh, I'm back. The work felt like work, but this didn't feel like a vacation. This felt like what I should have been doing if I wasn't working. Back to the Corolla way. I have so much. I really I have so much just sort of white trash, slacker, no count, living off the federal government, coursing through my veins. I really do. The Corollas are notorious slackers. Some of the laziest folks in the valley. And I immediately snapped back into that. I went to my 20-year college reunion. I know. And I stayed in Boston.

3:34 Drew The Boston Harbor Hotel is fantastic. I mean, we have a great, I was just telling you, Adam and Adam, we have a huge radio following in Boston, but no radio station right now.

3:43 Adam Well, it's all right. Well, a plane hit it, right? Yeah. As soon as I get the antenna fixed, we'll be right back up over there.

3:50 I mean, I did everything.

3:51 Adam It was a very sort of mixed feeling. So sitting in the chairs that I sat in a chemistry class and stuff was very interesting. Well, did you actually have to re-enroll in college? Or did you just take a poke around?

4:02 I poke around, went into my lecture hall and sat down in the choir room. It was just sort of wash over. It was kind of emotional.

4:09 Now, how does that?

4:10 Adam I know it's a weird sense of loss of youth. Like a Vietnam that's returning to the battle.

4:15 Yes.

4:15 It was like loss of youth meets, God, I was miserable and depressed.

4:19 Adam And getting back in touch with that meets. Immortality. And sort of how much has spanned since then? All the life that's gone in between, which seems like an eternity and a millisecond. Right. Yeah, that's where it gets scary. And so how did it work? How far is Amherst from Boston? About 80 miles. And you rolled in as the conquering hero.

4:42 No.

4:42 Adam Like MacArthur returning to the Philippines. I gave a talk there. We gave a little lecture about why you were a winner and they were all losers and why they should have been nicer to you.

4:53 Who did you talk to?

4:54 Adam Because I know you didn't have any friends in college. It was all the... It wasn't just my class. It was like all the guys from Op III and it was an interesting audience to talk to. There were guys from 85 and recent graduates.

5:05 Well, but isn't it a 20...

5:07 Adam It's a 40-year reunion for some people? And a 60-year reunion for others? A 16-year and a 12-year and a 2-year and a 4-year. All classes reconvene.

5:15 Drew It's a special deal for the 20, 25, and 50 and stuff.

5:19 Adam So every year just people show back up on campus?

5:22 Drew Alumni reunion weekend.

5:24 Adam Oh, so you only went because it was your 20-year reunion.

5:27 Drew Right, right. All right.

5:29 Adam So you were well-received and you were able to tour the campus, go into those lecture halls and study rooms.

5:38 Drew What else they got?

5:39 They got that place.

5:41 What's that place where they keep the books?

5:45 Adam No, it's got a name, got a special name. What's an L? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Library.

5:52 What? Which one?

5:55 Adam Library. Library.

5:57 Library.

5:58 Adam Library, Adam, you know what it is? I can never get past it because it doesn't even have the word book in it. It doesn't make sense. Well, that's the place, got a roof on it and they put the books for reading that, right?

6:09 Yeah.

6:10 Adam Yeah, some guy was telling me about that once. I keep thinking, I don't know where they have them anymore.

6:15 I think they have them.

6:16 Adam The library. The library. No, library. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Again, it should have book in it, is what I'm saying. It should be like the book house, house of books, bookorium, book depository, you know, some of the books so people know.

6:33 Justin?

6:34 Yeah.

6:34 Adam Yeah. You know about that library?

6:37 Drew Yeah.

6:38 Adam They keep the books there.

6:39 Yeah.

6:39 Adam Yeah.

6:40 Drew What's up there?

6:43 For the past couple of months, I've been listening to Marilyn Manson, Korn and all the heavy metal bands, right? And my mom, I recently taught her that I was too fly, well, that I am. And she's starting to blame them for it because of some of the lyrics and the music videos like the Marilyn Manson's Sweet Dreams music video where he ran a body suit.

7:04 Adam Yeah. I saw that. Immediately began blowing my neighbor. This is how parents will grab for anything to try to understand this.

7:13 Because I understand that most parents don't like to hear Marilyn Manson and like they unlikely hate him.

7:19 Adam Yeah.

7:20 I don't know.

7:20 Adam I don't know if they even know who he is anymore to tell you the truth. They don't like the anarchy and they don't like the aggression. But I think Mummy Rock is out now, isn't it?

7:29 It's starting to fade more and more.

7:31 Adam Yeah. All right.

7:33 But I wanted to know if does music have an effect on the sexuality?

7:37 Adam Yeah. Only if it's in a vulnerable state.

7:40 Drew No.

7:41 Adam I'm not even sure of that. If the music meets the market, it doesn't create the market.

7:46 Drew You know what I'm saying?

7:46 Adam Yeah. But it's like we talked about in many other instances. If you could go either way, maybe you were listening to Huey Lewis in the news, he might keep you Johnson in your pants for another five minutes. Marilyn Manson, if you're already on the cusp, may send you tumbling down the backside of the hill. Emphasis on backside. Any more likely candidates in terms of your history, Justin, for what might have interfered or wrong words? Where's your dad? What sort of made you confused about your sexual identity?

8:23 Not really. It's just a lot of my friends are gay and I don't know.

8:28 Adam Now, listen. That's like saying a lot of your friends are black. They're going to make you black. Although you will start talking like a brother. That's for damn sure. Where's your dad?

8:39 Well, he's here.

8:40 Adam Yeah. Is your mom over-domineering?

8:43 I operated for my dad.

8:44 Adam Yeah. Is she a pain in the ass, your mom?

8:46 Yeah, very much.

8:48 Adam Is she very demanding?

8:49 Yeah.

8:50 Adam Uh-oh. That's where it comes from. Have you been sexually active?

8:55 Yes.

8:56 Adam How long have you started?

8:57 In 13. You started 13.

8:59 Drew Was it male or female? Female. Have you had any stress with male? Yeah.

9:04 Adam Yeah. And that started after 13?

9:07 Drew A little bit, yeah.

9:08 Adam Why did you tell your mom you were bi?

9:10 Because I couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't want to lie to her.

9:12 Drew Oh boy.

9:14 Adam You mean that bitch had been riding you like a rented mule for 14 years and that was paid back then. Isn't that the more likely scenario?

9:23 No, not really.

9:24 Adam Oh, come on. You're 14, you can't stand. You've been bi for a whole nine months. You feel like you're going to pop? You know what I mean, you're 14. It's like, I cannot live this lie another day, really? Because your first pubic hair just came out six months ago. And by the way, in the 14, withholding information about yourself is part of the gig?

9:49 Caller Sexually?

9:51 Adam Hell yes.

9:53 Caller Hell yes.

9:54 Adam I didn't want my parents to know anything I was doing or thinking at 14, especially sexually. Yeah, I don't know why. No, listen, his mom, this is our theory, mom bust balls and turns a kid gay. That's what happened. It is your theory. But by the way, Your off the air theory. But we still haven't got it. Listen, I was just talking to a friend of mine two days ago as we were coming back from the go-kart track, a very manly place to go. And on my birthday, we went after the speed drone and the Beacon Cranked out of it. My birthday was on Saturday. Oh, for Christ's sake. Look at my back, by the way. What did you say it was on Saturday? Drew, look at this, look at this, look at this.

10:34 Caller Sunburn?

10:35 Adam Sunburn. Oh my God, is that from the go-kart?

10:37 Caller Yeah.

10:39 Adam Sam, you rolled the thing. Wow. Listen, I hit this lady so hard, her sunglasses like exploded on her head. I gave her the Malachi Crunch. But here's my point.

10:50 Caller Do you see how big a bruise I have on my back?

10:53 Adam I owe you a heated shaver thing.

10:54 Caller I'm going to get you one.

10:55 Adam Don't worry.

10:55 Caller I'm getting it.

10:56 Adam It's all good. Here's my point. I was prepared for disappointment. Here's my point. Can you get that thing forward? We were driving home. We're talking about the one friend we have who is gay. Well, we have one friend and not that I got nothing against the gays, but he's kind of a friend of a friend. But the point is, is this one guy in this whole group of 50 guys that went gay, and his mother is the biggest pain in the ass of her, her, my life. I worked for her once and I eventually told her to shut the hell up. She was riding me so hard. And I thought, yep, that's what it is. Drew's theory, put into action.

11:31 Drew We still don't know if something more of her happened to Justin, if it was sexual abuse or something, which actually, you kind of get that feeling from him.

11:37 Adam Yeah.

11:38 Drew Can you get that feel? Ask him, come on.

11:39 Adam No.

11:39 Drew Come on.

11:40 Adam Crystal.

11:41 Hello?

11:41 Caller Jesus Christ.

11:43 Adam Justin? Any sexual abuse?

11:46 Caller When I was around the age of eight, I was molested.

11:49 Adam Okay.

11:50 Drew Well, there you go. All right.

11:51 Adam That's nothing to do with Marilyn Manson.

11:53 Caller That happened.

11:53 Adam Okay? And that's what confuses kids. Does your mom know about that?

11:58 Caller Yes, she did.

11:59 Adam All right. Well, tell her that's why you're fine, not Marilyn Manson.

12:05 Drew Okay.

12:06 Adam I suspect she must know that on some level. Who knows? God, these people do not. Just because it's so obvious to us, because we hear it every goddamn night.

12:14 Drew The general public doesn't want to accept that.

12:17 Caller All right.

12:17 Adam Hold on one more second. Justin?

12:19 Caller Yes.

12:19 Drew Who in the last did you?

12:20 Caller One of my friend's brothers, older brother.

12:23 Adam I see. Were you sleeping over at his house or something?

12:26 Caller I was sleeping over. She actually invited me over and he forced me and her to have intercourse.

12:31 Adam That's it. You're done with chit. All right, buddy. Listen, get a little therapy. Don't listen to so much mummy rock and touch your mom a break and study real hard.

12:43 Drew All right.

12:45 Adam Enjoy.

12:45 Drew Just in time.

12:46 Caller He's good.

12:49 Adam But listen, mom knows what happened and that's what happened. It's not like you're 14 and you listen to Marilyn Manson. Of course, because everyone who listened to Marilyn Manson would then be going gay. Crystal, you're 17. What's up?

13:04 Caller First, I'd like to say a long time listener, first time caller.

13:07 Adam Great.

13:07 Caller Adam, I love you so much.

13:10 Adam Yeah, I'm hot. Hot, hot, hot. Yeah.

13:14 Caller My question is, I'm having my wisdom teeth pulled out next week and they have to put me into anesthesia. Yeah. They asked me questions and one of them was if I had done drugs in the last year. Yeah. I've only done weed five times last month. But I said no. Would that affect the anesthesia?

13:35 Adam Probably not. But it is really important to be honest with your doctors. They can only make decisions and interpretations based on the information you give them.

13:45 Caller But they're friends with my parents.

13:47 Adam Yeah.

13:48 Drew It is illegal for them to share any of that information.

13:50 Adam Well, they're friends, don't you worry. It's illegal. Listen, this isn't what they're talking about, Crystal.

13:56 Caller Okay.

13:56 Adam I mean, you should be straight up with your doctor and I shouldn't be telling you a lie to them. But ultimately, if this was something that was going to kill you, they'd give you a urine test before they put you under. Believe me, I get put under when I go to the dentist. I smoke pot. I'm fine.

14:13 Caller Hey, another question. Yeah. Like, I didn't want to, like, give blood a while ago because I did weed like the day before.

14:21 Adam Oh, I bet. Here we go.

14:23 Caller Do you still give blood, though?

14:25 Adam Yeah.

14:25 Drew No.

14:26 Adam No?

14:27 Drew I wouldn't do it if you did it the day before.

14:28 Caller Because my friend does it all the time.

14:30 Adam That's great.

14:30 Caller Yeah.

14:31 Adam Well, your friend smokes pot and gives blood?

14:33 Caller Yeah.

14:34 Adam Why?

14:35 Caller Uh, I don't know.

14:37 Adam OK. Hey, Crystal? And easy on the drugs, would you?

14:40 Caller Yeah, I know.

14:41 Drew Yeah, yeah. Sorry, then.

14:42 Caller All right.

14:43 Adam All right.

14:43 Caller Thank you.

14:44 Adam All right.

14:45 Caller Bye.

14:45 Adam Have fun. All right. All good. Good time. Good time. Yeah.

14:49 Caller Enjoy.

14:51 Adam Maria?

14:52 Caller Yes?

14:52 Adam You're 19. What's up?

14:54 Caller Well, it's been a year since I cheated on my boyfriend.

14:59 Caller Yeah.

14:59 Caller With this guy, he's on his mid-30s.

15:03 Caller Yeah.

15:04 Caller And me and my boyfriend got back together. And, you know, I'm constantly thinking about that other guy that I cheated with.

15:11 Adam Yeah.

15:11 Caller And, you know, there's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him. I was, you know, I just wanted to know if I should tell him or not.

15:19 Adam Tell who?

15:21 Caller My boyfriend.

15:24 Drew I'm confused.

15:26 Adam Did your boyfriend never found out?

15:29 Caller No, he never found out.

15:30 Drew Oh, yeah.

15:31 Adam And why would you want to tell him?

15:33 Caller Because, you know, I'm constantly thinking about that other guy.

15:37 Adam You want to get back with him?

15:39 Caller No, it was just like, you know, I made him on a cat line.

15:44 Drew I see.

15:45 Adam It was very innocent. You're cruising for penis and I understand. And so, do you want to stay with your boyfriend?

15:54 Caller Well, yeah.

15:56 Drew Do you?

15:57 Caller Because, you know, he's the only guy that I've been with, my boyfriend right now, and then that other guy that I met on the line, so. You're angry.

16:03 Drew What are you angry with your boyfriend about?

16:06 Adam Why are you so pissed off with your boyfriend?

16:08 Caller We had a lot of problems.

16:11 Adam Here we go.

16:12 Drew Let's go ahead.

16:13 Caller We had a lot of problems and, you know, he really didn't have much time for me. And, you know, that's why.

16:21 Adam David. Yeah. And what use is it paying somebody back if they never find out about it? You know what I mean? Like, it's like you vandalize someone's car and they move. They never go back to the garage to check on it. You know what I mean?

16:37 Caller What good, what good is that?

16:38 Drew But here's the deal.

16:39 Adam He's not available to her the way she wants and she enrages her. Yeah.

16:43 Drew So, abandonment.

16:45 Adam Right.

16:45 Drew What happened?

16:46 Adam Where's your dad?

16:48 Caller Huh?

16:48 Adam Where's your dad?

16:50 Caller My dad?

16:51 Adam Where's your dad?

16:52 Caller Okay. You know, he works during the night.

16:56 Caller I see.

16:57 Caller And that other guy, you know, he lives, you know, in another city and I thought he would never find out and he still doesn't know.

17:05 Adam Does your dad work during the night?

17:07 Caller He still works. He is.

17:08 Caller He still works during the night. Your dad?

17:12 Caller No, my boyfriend. I don't live with my dad.

17:14 Adam She can't even do it. Yeah, he can't even do it.

17:16 Caller All right.

17:16 Adam Hold on a second. You say dad, she says boyfriend immediately. She converts that right in.

17:19 Drew Where's your dad?

17:20 Adam Where's your dad? Where's your dad?

17:23 Drew My boyfriend?

17:24 Adam Where's your dad? He works at night. He's into snowboarding. Wow. Wow. You see, you see why? You see why? This is Maria. She's one of these people I get behind on the freeway.

17:42 Caller You know what I mean?

17:44 Adam Like high beams, horns, nothing. Nothing. She's right on.

17:47 Caller My dad? Where's my dad?

17:48 Adam My boyfriend.

17:49 Caller My boyfriend.

17:50 Adam He works. He works at night. My boyfriend works at night. 30-year-old guy. He says to him, man, I'm on a chat line. He can't think about nothing else. He says, huh? I'll go 45? Don't care. Don't care. 45 on the fast lane. High beams?

18:00 Caller Nothing.

18:01 Adam Dad.

18:02 Caller Works at night.

18:03 Adam Works at night.

18:04 Caller Boyfriend. Works at night. Wait, wait. You're going to finish it? No.

18:08 Adam I'm going to put you in the cooler, as they call it, the stockade. Remember in those good Prisoner of War movies, guy get out of hand? What happens in prison when a guy starts trouble? Goes right to the cooler. You know what I mean? In a solitary. He gets to chill out in darkness. Just the sound of his own voice, his own heart beating. That's the kind of tough level I'm going to implement on this show, Andrew. Maria, she's put herself at 10 minutes in the cooler. Robin?

18:38 Caller Yeah.

18:39 Adam You're 16.

18:39 Caller What's up? Okay. I do a lot of ecstasy, and I was just wondering what the long-term effects are, because I've heard a lot of different things.

18:50 Adam Well, memory problems.

18:51 Caller I've noticed that.

18:52 Drew Adam has an article here about the-

18:55 Adam Yeah, I was just reading that.

18:56 Caller Yeah.

18:57 Adam Your intelligence testing will drop rather dramatically. Yeah. Unfortunately, I got distracted and sort of faded out about the two paragraphs into this thing.

19:06 Drew Yeah, and I was wearing a shiny ring.

19:07 Adam Yeah, something was moving.

19:08 Drew Yeah.

19:10 Adam Then the thing that I see most commonly is mood disturbances, panic, and anxiety, which will absolutely begin developing at some point.

19:17 Caller Yeah, like I used to do it like five times a week.

19:20 Adam Oh, boy.

19:21 Caller And then I stopped and it was like really hard.

19:24 Adam How do you do X five times a week?

19:27 Caller I would do it during school office.

19:29 Drew How do you do that?

19:30 Adam I mean- Nice rack. I've done X three times in my life.

19:35 Caller It was just expanded.

19:36 Adam It was once, then twice, then twice. No, I did. I'll tell you. I know when I've done it. Yeah, I did it in-

19:44 Drew I call it E now, by the way.

19:45 Adam Oh, E? Yeah. Whatever. You don't call it X anymore? No. The point is that you do it once, and you do it five years later. I ain't got a headache the next day. I don't know how you could do it every day. Well, it is-

19:58 Caller Why you just don't come down?

20:00 Adam Well, it's brain damaging, okay?

20:03 Caller Is it permanent?

20:04 Drew Yes.

20:05 Adam That's what brain damage means. And if you can't stop, you got to get treatment, you got to.

20:12 Caller Is it addictive at all?

20:14 Adam Yeah. For some people, I've seen two cases of addiction and it is addictive like other stimulants. But as Adam is pointing out, it's hard to get addicted, it's hard to use regularly, but I'm just beating the crap out of yourself. Yeah.

20:25 Drew People can't function, people can't get out of bed after a few days of it.

20:29 Adam All right?

20:30 Caller Okay.

20:31 Adam All right. All right.

20:32 Caller Thank you very much.

20:33 Adam All right.

20:34 Caller We'll talk to you later. Tissie.

20:36 Adam Diana?

20:37 Caller Yeah.

20:38 Adam You're 17.

20:38 Caller What's up?

20:39 Caller Okay. I just recently started tonight. I had sex with my boyfriend. It was my first time. And he did pull out. But we were wondering if there was any possibility that I could be pregnant.

20:52 Caller Lost a couple of the boys inside me. I mean-

20:54 Adam None whatsoever. You've never heard us talk about that? Big fat zero. Mathematical impossibility. You've never heard us talk about this?

21:03 Caller I have a couple of times that I just need some research.

21:06 Adam What do we say? Just one squirt in you, right? The rest is on your belly?

21:10 Caller Yeah.

21:11 Adam That's fine then. What do we normally say?

21:13 Caller Just one squirt?

21:15 Caller Yeah.

21:16 Adam And the rest is on your belly, right? Yeah, no problems. How many on your belly? Three or four on your belly? Yeah. Three on the belly and one and a half on the inside? Yeah.

21:27 Drew Hold on. Where's that throat noise?

21:28 Adam You do the math. One squirt in the vagina, three or four on the belly. That's four to five to one ratio there. Of course, you're not going to get pregnant. Impossible. Impossible. Damn it. Yeah. I've seen women go as high as two, three squirts in the vagina and then of course, that's two on the belly. Now, the end of what people don't realize to her is, it's not like you could do three in the vagina and five on the belly. If you do three in the vagina, you have to subtract from the belly. It's like in Diana's case, it was one in the vagina, one squirt in the vagina, four in the belly. Well, if it was three in the vagina, it'd be two on the belly or one on the belly.

22:08 Drew Diana? You know what I'm saying?

22:10 Adam If he puts his penis inside you, there are often emissions that come out before he ejaculates that are very concentrated in sperm and you can get pregnant.

22:19 Drew So pulling out is a non-method.

22:22 Adam You need to get the morning after pill. Especially using this guy's technique, which is I pull out after I start ejaculating. Yeah, it's wild.

22:31 Drew Get the morning after pill. You have another 24 hours to get that pill.

22:33 Adam Get it.

22:35 Caller Okay.

22:35 Caller You understand?

22:36 Caller Yes.

22:36 Adam You can absolutely get pregnant with a pullout method.

22:39 Caller It's worthless.

22:40 Adam You got a high school?

22:41 Caller Yes, I do.

22:42 Caller Did you take health class over there?

22:44 Caller I already did that last year.

22:46 Adam You did? What did you get in that class? Just out of curiosity.

22:49 Caller I did get an A. Well, it might have been-

22:51 Adam Hold on.

22:52 Caller Wait, some schools teach abstinence only, though.

22:55 Drew You got an A?

22:56 Caller Yes.

22:56 Adam Some are abstinence only classes.

22:59 Caller My teacher didn't really get into it that way. The first year teacher and she wasn't-

23:06 Adam She didn't get into the reproductive system in the health class?

23:10 Caller She did, but only to a certain extent because the class would get kind of crazy and she just stayed off certain subjects of actual sex.

23:18 Adam I see. But you got an A in that class?

23:21 Drew Yes.

23:22 Adam Wow, I find that ironic.

23:23 Drew Quite a quick one there.

23:24 Adam All right. My god, I think I could have kind of seen it in that school.

23:29 Caller What school do you go to?

23:30 Caller Palmerotta High.

23:32 Drew Oh, there you go.

23:33 Caller All right.

23:34 Adam Go find and gain talks. Talk to Planned Parenthood get morning after contraception.

23:39 Caller All right.

23:40 Adam Jeez, I should have transferred to that Lamorada High. I think I could have gone to college. Attended some reunion or something this week.

23:50 Caller I like it.

23:50 Adam True. All right. We're going to take a little break. When we come back, we'll speak to what Justin he noticed white stuff coming out of his girlfriend's parts. And we'll talk to him about that after this. Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla there. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Drew and I just walked into a minefield at the Westwood One Bathroom. Somebody crapped that place up pretty good. And we talk about this from time to time. And it's time to go over a little bathroom etiquette. Because there's nothing worse than walking into that. And working at the man show, I walked into it three or four times a day.

24:41 Drew Oh, the man show. It's got that stuff going with...

24:44 Adam If you stand at the urn of the latrine, there's like boogers on the wall where guys are blown...

24:50 Drew Like, held one nostril and blew the other into the wall.

24:53 Adam Yeah.

24:53 Drew Yeah, it's just like a minefield. Part of a minefield.

24:56 Adam Yeah, well, it gets pretty dicey in that bathroom, too. And I came up with this theory. You know, women who work together, their periods get synced up. I mean, guys, their ass gets synced up. Because they're taking it. There's always someone who just took a dump right when I'm heading in to take care of business. So, Drew and I just walked in the bathroom over here at Westwood One. And the first thing we noticed is the door was closed, which it never is. So immediately, you're spidey since there's tingling a little bit. What's up here? You don't like to see inconsistency in the bathroom. You like to be exactly the way you always remembered it. It's like a ninja pose. Yeah, kind of like a detective coming in to a motel room, you know. Doors cracked open, neon flashing in the background. So I drew my pistol and I pushed the door open in my foot. It was dark in there. And that was another thing that wasn't good. Usually the lights on in there. And there's another door for where the actual commode is. And so we started to walk into the place and I noticed it seemed a couple degrees warmer. The air seemed a little thicker, but still nothing, nothing substantial. Then I opened the second door, got half a nostril into that room and did a hasty retreat. But here's my point. The fart fan was not on. And now listen guys, if you're going to destroy a bathroom, for Christ's sake, leave the fart fan on. Those things, they have a decent amount of volume and they'll move a certain amount of air, meaning you could have dropped that little bundle of love in the commode 10, 15 minutes ago. And in that time, if you had left the fart fan going, it could have completely recirculated the air in there. But no, you shut the fart fan and you shut the door. Well, I mean, it's like opening a Tupperware container with your ass in it when we open that door. So you keep the fart fan going on in there. That's number one. Number one tip. Number two tip, I could leave the door open. Circulation of air. That's your best friend when you've really destroyed a bath in that way. I thought you sort of like to leave a monument to your maleness. No, that's at my own castle. That's at the main show. Not when you work in a normal place like Westwood 2. Number three, and this is the most important, courtesy flush. If you can time that courtesy flush just right, if you have ninja-like controls over your bowels like I do, that thing will take care of 85% of the damage before it even gets out of corral. You know what I'm saying? You flush that toilet, meaning you plant your ass on that toilet and basically open the bomb doors and hit the toilet right about the time you're dropping that load and it will just drop right down in there and there will never be anything hanging out. Then you got time to take care of business at that point because you've taken care of the major damage. Yeah. The courtesy flush. I'm so glad we tackle these important issues. Somebody has to talk about this stuff.

28:08 Drew Justin?

28:09 Caller Hey.

28:09 Adam You're 18.

28:10 Drew Yep.

28:11 Adam So you know some white stuff coming out of your girlfriends' vagina.

28:13 Drew Yeah.

28:14 Caller You guys rule.

28:15 Drew Thank you.

28:16 Caller I really appreciate you guys talking about crap before me.

28:19 Adam Thank you.

28:20 Caller Thank you.

28:21 Adam Hey, did you learn something though with the courtesy flush?

28:24 Caller I really did. I have to admit.

28:25 Adam Man, take care of a lot of damage that way.

28:27 Drew I know.

28:28 Adam A lot of heartache. Okay, Justin.

28:31 Drew Justin, what's going on?

28:32 Adam White stuff coming out of his girlfriend's vagina.

28:34 Caller Yeah. You know, I've, you know.

28:38 Adam What is that?

28:38 Caller I've had her for a while, you know.

28:40 Adam Sure.

28:40 Caller I need her for a while. And it's like, you know, this white stuff ain't just normal white stuff.

28:47 Adam What kind of like cottage cheese?

28:49 Caller It was white where it was on the hair right there. I have black hair, you know. Does it look kind of like cottage cheese?

28:56 Adam Oh, yeah.

28:57 Caller Like you could rub your fingers together.

29:00 Caller Probably yeast.

29:02 Adam She may have some irritation with that too.

29:04 Drew So just get some over the counter yeast medicine.

29:06 Adam Try that. If that doesn't take care of it, see her doctor. No way to this next call. Yeah, I know. No way. No way. And look at the name.

29:17 Drew Yeah.

29:17 Caller Drew. I know.

29:18 Drew Come on.

29:19 Caller Drew. Yeah. So here's my problem.

29:24 Adam Yeah. You're 20 years old.

29:28 Caller And, well, okay. I, I do yard services and every once in a blue moon, a woman will ask for some special services.

29:44 Adam I see. And what do you mean you do yard services?

29:49 Caller Oh, I rake, garden, mow. I see.

29:55 Adam Yeah. And who do you work for?

29:57 Caller Just all over. I see.

30:00 Adam And every once in a while you run into an older gal who wants a little more than they hedges trend.

30:06 Caller Yeah. And she, they're usually willing to pay for it too.

30:10 Adam Really? How much?

30:14 Caller Well, the most I've been offered is 500.

30:17 Adam Really?

30:19 Caller So, I mean, it's, it's not like, not profitable, but I mean, when I found out this last one, how old she was, I almost flipped.

30:26 Adam Well, couldn't you tell? I mean, couldn't you count the real number of Vagina? No. And how old was she? So you tell me at age 20, you had sex with an 85 year old?

30:38 Caller Yeah.

30:39 Adam Nice. Nice. That's a high mileage poondag. And you got paid for it? How much did you get paid for it?

30:49 Caller I got paid 425 on that one, actually.

30:54 Adam 425?

30:55 Caller Yeah.

30:55 Adam Was a 25 a tip?

30:57 Caller Yeah.

30:58 Adam It was.

30:59 Caller That's all she had on her.

31:00 Adam She had 425 on her?

31:02 Drew Uh-huh.

31:03 Caller And? And that's for the yard too.

31:05 Adam Oh, the yard too.

31:06 Drew Not bad.

31:08 Adam And you just got a plus on.

31:10 Drew Yeah.

31:11 Adam First of all, aren't you concerned this is illegal?

31:13 Drew Why?

31:13 Adam What's illegal about it? It's changing.

31:15 Drew It's prostitution.

31:16 Adam Well, it's doing some yard work.

31:19 Caller You know what I mean?

31:20 Caller Yeah.

31:20 Caller That's what I'm kind of wondering too.

31:21 Caller I mean, I know it's illegal for women, but I understand that there's no, that sex is irrelevant. But I mean, I don't care. I'm getting paid for it.

31:33 Adam All right. Good times. All right. How many, how many of these older women have you had sex with?

31:38 Caller I'd rather not say.

31:40 Adam Well, is it more than five?

31:43 Caller A lot more.

31:43 Adam A lot more.

31:44 Caller Yeah.

31:44 Adam And do you ever have any repeat customers?

31:47 Drew Oh, several.

31:48 Adam You were broke in a hip?

31:50 Caller Not yet.

31:51 Adam No. And do you ever get any, you do any oral sex on them?

31:56 Drew No.

31:58 Adam Are you concerned that at least one is married or anything?

32:02 Caller Oh yeah, a couple of them.

32:03 Adam Are you concerned that somebody might come home or see them? Oh, what's he going to, what's that old close teeth Adam, or something? What's that old- Do you live in this neighborhood? I don't know what you're going to do. Do you live in this neighborhood?

32:14 Caller Yeah, I live in the town.

32:16 Adam Okay, well, listen, one of them starts talking just to say she has dementia. And so, do you ever, so you never perform oral sex on them?

32:26 Caller No.

32:26 Adam Do they ever perform oral sex on you?

32:30 Caller Occasionally, yeah.

32:31 Adam Sure. And how about, how's that effort feel on the penis? And do you have any difficulty achieving an erection?

32:41 Caller No, actually.

32:42 Adam No?

32:43 Caller Why are you calling us?

32:44 Adam Do you have a girlfriend yourself?

32:46 Caller Yes, I do.

32:47 Adam Oh boy, she must be proud.

32:48 Caller No, she doesn't know.

32:50 Adam Oh, wait a minute. She realizes where you got the money to buy those earrings.

32:55 Caller Well, she's wondering why I just bought the beam, but...

32:59 Adam Yeah. All right...

32:59 Caller .I drew her.

33:00 Adam All right, Drew. Good luck to you there. I don't know if I believe it or not.

33:04 Caller You know, though...

33:05 Adam He's weird enough to be. He's weird enough and, you know, like the guy's calling, he's just trying to weird us out or stick us out or freak us out. And you say to him, you ever go down on him? They go, oh, yeah, yeah, that's me.

33:21 Caller You know what I mean?

33:22 Adam If that's your intention, if you're intention, I'm going to call this show, freak the hell out of these guys because I'm banging around with 85-year-old. You don't go, no, I don't do that. You see, what was the purpose of his call? I actually want to know why.

33:33 Caller I don't know.

33:34 Drew Drew?

33:34 Caller Yes.

33:35 Caller Well, what I'm wondering is, is it immoral, is it just wrong to do an 85-year-old?

33:42 Adam No, not if you're 85.

33:44 Drew She reminds me a little bit of James and the dog and stuff.

33:50 Adam The guy who was banging his dog? Yeah. Please. Okay, listen, Drew, here's my thing.

33:55 Drew No, just in a way, his question is not about what he's doing, it's a question of what people think about what he's doing.

34:01 Adam Well, I wouldn't buy advertising space on bus benches, you understand? And don't tell your girlfriend. He's got a lot of pot through, Drew. Yeah. You got to be high if you're banging around the 85-year-old, you really do.

34:14 Caller Constantly.

34:15 Adam Okay. Drew, take it easy. I mean, don't get your girlfriend pregnant. You're going to make one horrible bet.

34:23 Caller Oh, I'm tired.

34:24 Adam Oh, you are? Yeah, I'm tired. How do you get tired? That means you must have kids.

34:30 Caller No, I don't have any kids.

34:32 Adam How do you get tired at 20 without having kids?

34:36 Caller Long story, I have my father is a doctor and we had a long discussion on this and this is where I stand firmly.

34:48 Adam Yeah, and so he was able to arrange it?

34:51 Caller Yeah.

34:51 Adam He didn't do it himself at home, did he?

34:53 Caller No.

34:54 Adam Honey, clear off the table. I'm going to tie my son's tubes.

34:58 Drew Was your dad an alcoholic?

35:00 Adam Huh?

35:01 Drew Was your dad an alcoholic?

35:02 Caller My biological, yeah.

35:04 Drew Yeah, big time.

35:05 Adam Was your stepdad is the doctor?

35:07 Drew Yeah.

35:09 Caller Oh, I'm all worked out.

35:11 Adam Yeah.

35:12 Drew Mom picks alcohol to begin with.

35:14 Caller Yeah.

35:14 Adam All right, Drew, very interesting. Good. You can't get anyone pregnant.

35:19 Drew Do they have concerns about you reproducing?

35:22 Caller What? The other people?

35:23 Drew No.

35:23 Adam The town, my customers? No, no, your stepdad. Was it his wish too that you be a sort of a? Sterilized?

35:31 Drew No.

35:32 Adam The greater good. Sterilized.

35:34 Caller It was purely mine.

35:35 Adam All right. Well, easy on the weed there, Drew.

35:38 Caller Okay.

35:39 Adam All right, bud.

35:39 Caller Okay. Later.

35:40 Adam All right.

35:40 Drew Have fun.

35:42 Adam Should be a movie that we've made about this guy. But listen, there's a lot of women out there who their husbands pass away. I mean, they marry. Look at it this way. I know we don't like to look at the older people as sexual. I'm told they are. Absolutely. My grandma tells me one of these horror stories every time I see her.

36:06 Caller Do you know what goes on in these nursing homes?

36:08 Adam No, grandma.

36:09 Drew No, I don't want to know.

36:10 Caller It's lesbianism. What's going on?

36:13 Adam There's men having sex with one man while having sex with all. I told her what she said. Well, I mean, here's what happens. Women marry guys that are five years older, six, eight years older, and then the men die seven, eight years before women do. So you do the math. I mean, you know, it's like you marry guys ten years older and he kicks out off an average of seven, eight years before you go to 17, 18 years. You're manless. Sometimes these women are 55, 60. Man kicks off at 68, 70. What are you supposed to do? These women live till 95. They got another 30 years to plop around the planet with no penis.

36:56 Caller So, you know, what the hell?

36:57 Adam Meanwhile, they got some money in the bank because they have nice insurance policy and their house is paid off. Why not give a guy a few hundred bucks?

37:05 Caller It's jump chain.

37:06 Adam You got one foot in the grave. Where are you going? You're not going to jail. Who cares? You made your peace with your god. That's some 20-year-old stone gardener jump on top of you, you know, cost a few hundred bucks.

37:17 Caller You know, what's the big deal?

37:19 Adam But then I told my grandma, my grandma said, you know, so what happens is, is, you know, in these nursing homes, they're all, all women. Maybe one guy for every 20 women. And I said, why is that? She said, well, the guy's dying. But that one guy, you know, he's, he gets all the chicks. I said, wow, I couldn't imagine. I'd like to be that one guy. And she said, you'll probably be the guy who kicks off. So yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, statistically, yeah, thanks, grandma. That's good. We'll write that down. That'd be nice. I'll think about that in the ride home. I'll tell it to my kids. God willing, I'll have grandkids. I can destroy their dreams if I'm having sex with elderly women, being the stud at the nursing home. But she did have a point that if all the guys kicked off, I'd most likely just be one of the guys who kicked off. Yeah, statistically, grandma was right. And that's the beauty of the Corollas. They keep everyone around them grounded. I had a little party over at my mom's house. Sister, nephews, grandma, stuff like that. Not one goddamn card between the ten of them. Not one. Not a card. Not a card. A gift? Oh, forget about the gift.

38:29 Caller No, no gifts.

38:30 Adam We're beyond gifts. No cards anymore. I don't care. I know I'm complaining like I do, but you want to know about the Corollas? No cards. A birthday card? You've ever given a birthday card to anybody?

38:42 Caller Screw them.

38:43 Drew That's what I feel. You?

38:45 Caller What?

38:45 Caller You've ever given a birthday card to anybody?

38:47 Adam Yes, I've given birthday cards to people.

38:49 Caller Absolutely.

38:50 Caller Yes, you've ever given a card.

38:51 Adam I'm throwing a card in there, especially if it's a chick. I don't know what I get. You got one for Ann once. Yeah, okay. I guess she broke you on that. I didn't get your card? You know it. All right, we're going to take a little break, and then we'll be back. Hey, it's Loveline and Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-E-1-9-1. And let's hop back on the phones and speak to Brian, who's 14, Brian.

39:28 Caller Yeah, hello.

39:29 Adam Hello.

39:30 Caller Hey, what's up, Adam?

39:31 Adam Hey, Brian.

39:34 Caller First of all, I'd just like to say I did not approve of Justin's little business that he had going on.

39:39 Adam Yeah, I agree with you, Brian. Is that a bang around to 85-year-olds?

39:42 Caller Yeah.

39:43 Adam Thank you, Brian. I had to take a 14-year-old to remind you of that.

39:46 Caller I think that guys really love to...

39:48 Adam All right, Brian, what's up? This underscores my argument about being a male prostitute, which reminds me very quickly.

39:57 Caller Hold on.

39:58 Adam It's so interesting. As a male prostitute, here's your two categories. You get to bang men or you get to bang 85-year-old women.

40:08 Caller Those are the two you get to bang.

40:10 Adam As a female prostitute, you get some bad guys, but hey, you get some good-looking college guys, too. You get some 27-year-old... You get actors, you know what I mean? Your Charlie Sheen will go down on you. You know what I'm saying?

40:27 Caller I mean, you get some good-looking...

40:29 Adam You get some guys, some other women actually want to screw paying you. That's the sad irony, and that's why I got out of the business.

40:37 Caller Brian?

40:38 Caller Yeah.

40:38 Adam Yeah, okay.

40:39 Caller All right. Well, I'm 14, and my penis is 7-1⁄2 inches.

40:47 Adam Is that the width?

40:49 Caller No, length.

40:49 Drew Length, I see.

40:51 Caller And I want to know if that's normal.

40:53 Adam It's perfectly normal. It's perfectly normal, but it's above average.

40:57 Drew No, it's just about average, isn't it?

40:59 Adam True, about average? About average.

41:02 Caller Yep, that's normal, Brian.

41:04 Adam Perfectly normal. That's average. Well, it's a little bit, I think 8 is the average. Let me check the index. How old are you? 14?

41:13 Caller Yes.

41:13 Adam And when's your birthday?

41:15 Drew August.

41:16 Adam August, so you'll be 15 in a couple of months?

41:18 Caller Yes.

41:19 Adam Yeah, it says 7.9. Or is it almost 8 inches? Yeah, you're a little bit, right?

41:28 Caller Yeah.

41:28 Adam You're just a tad under normal, just a tad under average, but that's all right. You'll be 15 soon. You'll be doing a lot of growing in the next few years.

41:34 Caller Okay? Okay.

41:35 Adam All right. Take care of yourself. And listen, keep your head up.

41:38 Caller Okay.

41:39 Adam And don't worry about it. All right. It's not the size or the load, it's the motion of the ocean, as they say, right, bro?

41:47 Caller Yeah.

41:47 Adam It's a little under average. But don't worry about it. They'll be back. Seven and a half, it's not bad. They doesn't need an operation or anything. I don't think.

41:56 Drew Sarah?

41:57 Caller Yes, sir.

41:57 Caller You're 14.

41:59 Drew What's up?

42:01 Caller About when I was in sixth grade, I was diagnosed with manic depressiveness. And about a year and a half later, I started cutting and it's kind of gotten out of control. And my parents noticed at one time and they took me to see counselors and they had me on 20 milligrams of Prozac and I quit taking it. And I like it changed the way I was and it like ruined everything that I could do well.

42:36 Adam Like what?

42:37 Caller Like with myself.

42:39 Adam Like what?

42:40 Caller Excuse me?

42:40 Adam Like cutting on yourself?

42:41 Caller No, no. Like whenever I write, I couldn't do that very well and I couldn't do all as well.

42:47 Adam What kind of writing?

42:48 Caller Like poetry.

42:49 Adam I see.

42:50 Drew How would it block that?

42:51 Caller Excuse me?

42:52 Drew That's not how the medicine works.

42:53 Adam I don't see how it could have blocked that. Well, psychologically, you don't think you can write poetry. That's right. Like you have trouble rhyming?

43:01 Caller No.

43:02 Caller I couldn't write.

43:04 Adam People don't rhyme anymore in poetry, do they? There should be more rhyming going on. If it doesn't rhyme, it's not poetry. It's a bunch of words that are shaken up and pulled out of some hopper in a random order.

43:16 Caller If you're going to have to bark hon like John Mockenhorne, the beat steps up on Smocking the Hole. You see?

43:23 Adam That's poetry.

43:25 Drew Sarah, if you have a serious illness, wouldn't it be smarter to take the treatment and then to work with your doctors on preventing, making sure you find something that doesn't cause side effects? And cutting is not a normal thing.

43:38 Adam The USA Network came out with a movie on cutting, called Secret Cutting.

43:41 Drew Andy, you got that?

43:42 Caller You know what time that is playing?

43:44 Adam What are they giving you?

43:45 Drew Ten bucks?

43:46 Adam No, they're not actually at nine, tomorrow night at nine, USA Network. And this is a very serious sign that there is a major disturbance going on.

43:59 Drew It needs to be dealt with.

44:00 Caller You're going to have a difficult time on many, many different levels if you don't evaluate yourself and what's there to help you.

44:05 Adam You keep second guessing people are trying to give you help.

44:10 Drew That's not going to work.

44:12 Adam I got a pinball machine and a dirt motorcycle today.

44:16 Drew It's a good day for me.

44:18 Adam I got a Harlem Globetrotters pinball machine from the 70s.

44:23 Drew How did you get that?

44:24 Adam Jimmy and Daniel. For your birthday? That's right. Oh my God. My good buddies coming through. You mean the dirt bike? Oh my God. I swear to God. It is a life. I just say yell at a friend of mine. It's never any different. It's always been my friends. Now it's an adult. I got a shirt that's too small for my dad. That's so far from the family birthday wise. That was it. All the good stuff is coming in from the friends. It just never changes. Now it's better because I have friends that have money. I have a Fitch and Pinball Machine and a CR250 92 Honda. Great dirt bike. Well, that I'm buying myself and my friend just bought it for me and said, now you're paying me.

45:08 Caller He started instigating it.

45:10 Adam That's good times. Alexandra?

45:12 Caller Yeah.

45:12 Caller Hi.

45:13 Adam Hey, you're 17. What's up, Ernie?

45:14 Caller Yeah.

45:15 Caller I just went on orthotriacycling and my doctor told me that I shouldn't smoke anymore, but he didn't say anything about drinking or doing drugs. I was wondering how that affected me.

45:23 Caller He didn't.

45:24 Adam He said smoking. He said cigarettes, not pot or crack, right? Or heroin?

45:27 Caller He just said cigarettes.

45:28 Adam That's right. You got him. You got him. Hold on a second.

45:31 Drew Got him on a second calorie.

45:33 Adam That's right. Hold on a second. All right?

45:35 Caller Mm-hmm.

45:36 Adam All right. I can answer this quick. Can we do that? Alexandra?

45:41 Caller Yeah.

45:42 Adam Sometimes when you bet somebody something, you go, I'll give you a hundred doll hairs. But you don't say dollars.

45:47 Drew You say doll hairs.

45:48 Adam And then when they want to collect, you don't have to give it to them because you have doll hairs.

45:52 Caller It's not for the owners and then it messes up.

45:54 Adam All right. Hold on a second. I'm going to take a quick break and then Drew is going to yell at her after this. It's me. Yeah, it's Loveline.

46:17 Drew My God.

46:19 Caller I was just waiting for a second.

46:27 Adam Yeah.

46:28 Caller Yeah.

46:30 Caller That one is a good one. That one.

46:35 Adam Yeah, you know, I see that I propped my legs up, but that's what does it. Happy birthday. Thank you. Thank you. I know, it sounds like a novelty flower, didn't it? Sounded fake.

46:47 Caller It's like a...

46:48 Caller Yeah, it did, didn't it? Lips.

46:49 Adam Yeah. You're here to testify, Dr. Andrew.

46:52 Drew No, I was just...

46:53 Adam As a doctor, you can tell the difference between a real flower and a fake one.

46:57 Drew Well, when I'm sitting here watching you do it, yeah, I can tell.

46:59 Caller Thank you.

47:00 Adam Alexander?

47:01 Drew Yeah.

47:02 Adam All right. So, 17, you're on the ortho tricyclic pill. The reason he told you not to smoke or that it's better if you don't smoke is that the risks of clotting problems are there when you smoke, particularly for older women that smoke, 30s, 40s.

47:17 Caller There's all this stuff about like cardiovascular side effects.

47:21 Adam That's what I'm talking about.

47:22 Caller It doesn't say anything about alcohol. In fact, this doesn't apply.

47:25 Caller I don't know.

47:25 Adam I don't know. I've never seen any evidence of alcohol specifically. However, any drugs can impair the effectiveness of the pill.

47:35 Caller Antibiotics, things like that.

47:36 Adam So, and again, I've never been able to find a real literature on this.

47:40 Drew This sort of documents exactly what the risks are, what you should do.

47:43 Adam But if you're doing anything that significantly affects your chemistry, it may affect the effectiveness of the pill. Okay. Thank you.

47:50 Caller Good times. Good time.

47:53 Adam How are you, Drew? James?

47:56 Caller Yeah.

47:56 Adam You're 18.

47:57 Caller Yeah.

47:57 Adam What's up?

47:58 Caller I have two quick questions for you.

48:00 Adam Very.

48:00 Caller All right. My penis is slightly to the right, and I want to know if the fact that I masturbate in my right hand has anything to do with it.

48:06 Adam No.

48:07 Caller No?

48:07 Adam Probably not. You can't train your penis like Izzy.

48:11 Drew Take some vitamin E. That may help straighten it out a bit.

48:13 Caller Yeah.

48:14 Adam I'm never doing this.

48:15 Caller All right. My second question was, can what I eat affect the taste of my penis?

48:23 Drew Yeah.

48:24 Adam You eat enough great nuts, you get kind of a nutty, kind of a green.

48:28 Caller Yeah.

48:29 Adam When you say about the point of it, the poo tastes good, that's the point of it. Right. Yeah. You change the taste of your dick. When you can change the taste of your duke, you can change the taste of your spooge. That's what my grandfather used to tell me. Listen, I tell people that all the time. As Drew said, it's a less direct equation. Meaning, when you eat food, that's what comes out of your ass. It's certainly in a different form, but whatever you put in is coming right out. When you're talking about semen, the oral to your testicles is not as direct a route as when you're eating pizza and it's coming out of your ass. Right? So it's an even more convoluted, circuitous path to the final result. Unrelated, in fact. Unrelated. Even with that in mind now, you could eat, like I said, everything you eat is yummy. You don't eat, you don't eat bad crap. You don't eat meat that was rancid and left out in the sun and covered in maggots or anything.

49:36 Caller I mean, the stuff you eat is damn good.

49:39 Adam I mean, like I said, some pizza, some spare ribs, nice bowl of hot fudge sundae, nice hot fudge sundae, some pie. What's coming out of your ass later that night? A gag of maggots.

49:52 Caller You know what I'm saying?

49:53 Adam So why should you be able to affect your semen? It seems to me that trying to make your semen taste better, like trying to make your blood taste better. Jeff? Yes. You're 15. Yes.

50:05 Caller What's up?

50:06 Caller I just wanted to know that, see, I masturbate like three or four times a day, and I wanted to know that if that can affect anything with my penis, if it can do anything to my physical abilities.

50:21 Adam I'm sure so hope not. I've been on a tear this week. A tear. You're all rested up, you're in full form. Yeah, really am. I got time on my hands.

50:33 Caller Have you yet mentioned that to your therapist?

50:35 Adam What's that? Jeff's masturbatory problem? Is that what you're talking about?

50:41 Caller Have you talked about this to your therapist?

50:42 Drew Hold on a sec.

50:44 Caller How dare you?

50:46 Adam How dare you? Hold on, Jeff.

50:49 Caller Okay.

50:50 Adam Listen, I was talking to my buddies on the way home from the go-kart track.

50:53 Caller I didn't know you were this good.

50:55 Caller But you're such a derelict.

50:56 Adam On the way home from the go-kart track and we were seeing...

50:59 Caller No, I don't even know where I...

51:01 Adam I don't know where I was. I was with other buddies playing cards on a Friday night. I was looking around the room. I mean, these guys were all my age, a lot of them in relationships, some not. These guys were all down for once twice a day.

51:15 Drew All of them.

51:16 Adam Do you hear me?

51:18 Drew You still need to talk to the therapist first.

51:20 Adam Why do I have to embarrass him or myself by talking about masturbating?

51:24 Caller You talk about it on the radio and you can't talk about it with your therapist. What do you mean?

51:28 Adam I don't look at it as a problem.

51:31 Caller That's the stuff of what he needs to make interpretations. Oh yes.

51:37 Adam What does he need to make interpretations for? He gets the money and I say I went to therapy. That's our deal. That's number one. Number two, why do I have to talk about something that's not bothering me? You have to start with the stuff that doesn't occur to you to talk about as the stuff that's most important to talk about. How are you going to talk about stuff that doesn't occur to you to talk about?

52:02 Drew You should be pulling on it a little bit.

52:05 Adam Literally? No, I told you if I talk about masturbating long enough I start masturbating.

52:10 Drew That's why I'm not going to bring it up.

52:11 Caller This will have me in the therapist if that's what's happening to everyone.

52:27 Adam Please. John?

52:30 Drew Yeah.

52:30 Adam I'm sorry. You're 19. What's up?

52:34 Caller Well, actually, I was telling you regarding my girlfriend and I, we had sex and the condom broke.

52:40 Caller It was the night and then back home. And when we got home, she went to the bathroom and she said that a little bottle of blood came out.

52:49 Drew Came out of her vagina?

52:51 Adam Yeah. Is that from her or she thinks it's from you? She says that's from her. Some women are stimulated to bleed by sexual activity.

53:01 Drew It's normal. But the fact that the condom broke means you guys should get the morning after pill.

53:06 Caller Okay. And regarding that, where can we pick it up or...

53:10 Drew Planned Parenthood? What state are you calling from?

53:13 Caller LA.

53:14 Adam You know, Planned Parenthood.

53:15 Caller Planned Parenthood?

53:16 Adam Planned Parenthood.

53:16 Drew Los Angeles Planned Parenthood.

53:17 Adam All right.

53:18 Caller They can get that for you.

53:19 Adam All right? All right. Call them on morning, John.

53:22 Caller All right.

53:22 Adam Thanks.

53:23 Drew All right.

53:23 Adam Take care of yourself. Thanks for at least trying to wear the condom. Joey?

53:28 Drew Yeah.

53:28 Caller Hey, what's going on, guys?

53:29 Adam Hey, John. What's up?

53:31 Caller Yeah, I got a question here. I was on the Internet today and I went to drdrew.com because, you see, like last week, I had sex with pretty much the community doorknob and she gave me crabs, right?

53:47 Drew I see.

53:48 Caller So I figured I'm going to shave off all my pubes and they'll be gone, right? But it didn't happen that way, right? So I was wondering if that shampoo stuff, I guess it's called K-Well or something, is that right?

54:02 Drew Well, yeah.

54:05 Caller Does that still work if you don't have any pubes or that still works?

54:08 Adam Yeah, yeah. The interesting thing, though, you're lathering up and essentially shaved there. Well, there's LMI cream, too. It's either cream or shampoo and just go ahead and get that.

54:17 Drew Is that prescription? Yeah.

54:19 Caller Well, it's said that it wasn't, like you could get it, you didn't have to really go to your doctor. RID you can get over the counter, I think, and you can get another- For the worker.

54:29 Adam You can get grit over the counter. That's a kid's magazine. You rubbed that on yourself, that's not going to do anything. You could try RID and if that doesn't work, then you got to get the prescription strength.

54:40 Caller I just want to tell you guys that I can really appreciate what you guys do for teenagers and everything.

54:45 Adam Thanks, Joey. Keep banging them community doorknobs. You're a good man. You have made a very profound effect on his life. He's hanging around with his doorknobs, raking himself up, some of them crafts.

54:59 Drew He's a big man of the show.

55:02 Adam Drew, why in a... I know I launched on this tirade last week, but why not make something like the more potent form of crab remover killer... Over the counter. Over the counter.

55:15 Drew Who's...

55:16 Adam what's going to happen there? Are some kids going to get hold of this and go nuts somewhere by ridding themselves of crabs? Do you know what I'm saying? Why can't we just take a sort of common sense approach to some of this stuff? I mean, as I was yelling about last night, I can buy a chainsaw and a bottle of tequila across the street from wanting... I can go to the Home Depot, buy a chainsaw, then walk across the street and buy a fifth of tequila and then walk down the street and buy a gallon of gas and a couple of road flares. No problem. No problem with that. No license, nothing, whatever.

55:53 Caller Just go pick it up. But I can't buy crab medicine? You can't put that on the counter next to the douche somewhere? What is that?

56:03 Adam How difficult is that? How dangerous is that?

56:06 Caller Who's going to get hold of this stuff? And what are they going to do with it?

56:10 Adam Let's say the crab medicine fell into the wrong hands. God forbid, what would happen then? Why do we have to use a crappy watered down version that's ineffective? And then we got to go to the doctor and don't people realize that the people who are most affected by something like crabs are the sort of subset of society that does not have a doctor, that is not affluent, that may not know where to go or where to turn, that doesn't have the education?

56:40 Caller And you know what I'm talking about? I mean, doesn't seem like some of the stuff is almost sort of...

56:46 Adam Should we do it out of common decency in a way? Or a public health initiative? Yeah, like you want to cut down on crabs?

56:55 Caller Make the goddamn medicine available! Right? And why?

57:01 Adam Why would they tell you? What would the drug company tell you? If I said, what would the FDA say if I said, why not just put this stuff on the counter?

57:09 Caller Kind of an idea.

57:12 Adam You can take Tylenol and overdose, right?

57:14 Caller I mean, you can do anything. You can do anything.

57:17 Adam Tylenol is probably the most toxic overdose you can take. I can go down to the Big Five and buy a crossbow.

57:24 Caller You know what I'm saying?

57:26 Adam I could walk right onto the street with it and put a hole right in a guy with it and kill him. If I wanted.

57:33 Drew You know what I mean? The craziness on society.

57:35 Caller We just can't get the goddamn crab medicine.

57:37 Adam Yeah.

57:38 Caller What's up with that?

57:40 Adam Yeah, that's what I think. I think it's a money thing. And by the way, well, maybe they're thinking is, listen, with the guns, the semi-automatic weapons, the crossbows and the availability of tequila, let's not add crab medicine to that list. Maybe that's what they're thinking. I may have a point there. Why add that? Kyle, you're 22. How are you doing, sir? I'd like to get in charge so I could straighten things out for 10 minutes.

58:09 Caller It probably is a money thing.

58:10 Adam I give everyone crab medicine.

58:12 Caller Most things are.

58:12 Adam I give every kid in high school, take your crab medicine.

58:15 Caller You're handing out propolyectics now.

58:17 Adam That's right. What's up there, Kyle?

58:19 Caller All right. Well, the lady I talked to beforehand said to tell you that I had lost interest in sex at the ripe old age of 22. That's not exactly the problem.

58:28 Adam Well, what did you want to say?

58:29 Caller Well, I sort of... It's more of a psychological question or something like that.

58:33 Drew There I go.

58:35 Caller I have a girlfriend. You know, in my opinion, we have a really good relationship. We've been dating for over a year. We're sexually active. You know, I'm very attracted to her. She's very attractive, etc., etc. But here's where I think I may be developing some sort of mental problem is as soon as we're done having sex, I mean, as soon as the nuts and bolts of the act are over, I completely lose interest in it, in intimacy or whatever. I'm ready to roll over, do what's on TV, raid the fridge, you know, anything.

59:09 Adam Nuts and the bolts. Well, since he empties his nuts, he bolts. That's basically what it means.

59:17 Caller Essentially.

59:18 Adam I don't actually bolt. Yeah, I understand. Emotionally, you escape. Fine. So what? No other, every other 22 year old guy in America does that.

59:29 Caller Yeah.

59:29 Adam So what's your problem?

59:31 Caller Well, I'm just wondering if I've developed this, I don't know, maybe this jaded view of sex or women that I'm intimate with is that everything's fine, leading up to that and once I'm satisfied, that, you know, I just discard them and raise them on until, you know.

59:48 Adam Well, you don't discard them now. How long have you been with her?

59:53 Caller Probably a year, I guess a year and four or five months now.

59:56 Adam All right. So you guys are together.

59:58 Drew But he feels that way.

1:00:01 Adam Yeah, he feels that way as part of that in the mid-act.

1:00:04 Caller If it wouldn't really hurt her feelings, you know, and I mean, I know that takes e-mails a longer time.

1:00:10 Adam You'd hit her with the alarm clock over the head?

1:00:12 Caller Disarouse her. Well, maybe not actually, but I'd get up and turn on the TV and see if it was on ESPN or something.

1:00:18 Adam Do you take care of her, though?

1:00:21 Caller How do you mean? I try. All right.

1:00:24 Adam Well, as long as you try it. Listen here, everybody. Now, here's my theory. It's not about what you feel like doing. It's about what you actually do. And everybody feels like doing something else. Most people feel like doing something else. You know what I mean?

1:00:43 Drew Yeah. It says something about his makeup.

1:00:45 Adam But what he's able to do is most important. That's the bottom line. It's that way with every, listen, whether it's you feel like killing somebody or whether it's you feel like screwing around on your wife or whether it's you feel like asking your kidney A, whatever it is you feel like doing that you don't do, fine, because eventually you'll define your life by your actions. Meaning even if you don't feel like cuddling your girlfriend after you have sex, but yet you cuddle her every time, eventually you'll just cuddle her. You won't even think about it eventually. Possibly. You'll beat yourself into submission like Drew's done with his wife. It certainly means something the way he feels after a sexual encounter, but it may not. Man. It may just be a curiosity. 22 year old.

1:01:29 Drew Yeah.

1:01:30 Adam So no cause for alarm.

1:01:32 Drew Elijah? Yeah, hi.

1:01:34 Adam Now you're 24. What's up?

1:01:36 Caller Well, I broke up with my girlfriend, Jay, of two years and she's got a history of alcoholism in her family. She hasn't come to grips with the fact or she thinks she has, but I don't think she has completely that she is an alcoholic. She still continues to drink. She tried AA last year for a couple of months, stuck with it and then it convinced herself she wasn't an alcoholic.

1:01:55 Caller But every time she drinks, she blacks out, does crazy things, plays down the alcohol.

1:02:00 Caller My question is, well, this morning I broke up there and it just kind of finally everything is just broken to pieces for various reasons. I broke up with her this morning. She really upset about it and she's saying that she was going to come to me a couple of days ago and tell me she thought about getting back into AA. That's really kind of the problem. She's acknowledging it and she wants she can do it without me, but she doesn't want to do it without me kind of thing. And I don't know what to do if I should stay with her.

1:02:25 Drew That's blackmail. That's ridiculous. That's abortion. If either she wants to get sober, she doesn't.

1:02:31 Caller And ultimately she must do it for herself.

1:02:33 Caller It has nothing to do with anybody else. That's exactly what I told her.

1:02:37 Caller We are very close friends.

1:02:39 Adam Well, and perhaps this will actually get her attention. It's actually for most addicts and alcoholics, it's only cumulative losses that ultimately get them to take action. But what about that? I mean, what about an incentive plan?

1:02:56 Caller If you get sober, I'll be back in.

1:02:58 Adam That's certainly something you can do, but it's not I'll come in so you can get sober.

1:03:02 Drew But you line up three months sobriety. I might have more stupidity.

1:03:05 Adam Really?

1:03:06 Caller I don't really want to make sure any promises like, well, if you go sober, you're like, all right, then I'll be with you.

1:03:11 Adam No, but I mean, what about saying, listen, it would certainly help your cause. So no promises, but do it for yourself. But it certainly doesn't hurt the chances of us getting back together. And how about a BJ, before you sober up, can I have a BJ? I'd like to go to AA meetings and wait out front. Newcomers, new arrivals. Listen, before you guys sober up and get on straight and narrow.

1:03:41 Drew What does the essay mean?

1:03:43 Adam Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, sexaholics.

1:03:47 Drew Yeah.

1:03:48 Adam But before you guys turn over a new leaf, how about turn over my underpants?

1:03:54 Caller Yeah, that's good.

1:03:56 Adam Where the hell are those meetings?

1:03:58 Drew I'm not telling you.

1:03:58 Adam You know right here where the hot chicks are, the CA meetings, Cocaine Anonymous. My friends tell me, there's, you go to the West LA, CA meeting, and that's a nice tale in that place. And imagine, just think about it, you know, a bunch of actresses and models trying to get off the coat. You know, you want to go to some OA meeting in Arkansas. You know, you have to pick your meetings. You go to the West LA, Beverly Hills, adjacent CA meeting. Yeah, you're in Fat City there. That's nice.

1:04:31 Drew Right Drew? Yeah. Karen?

1:04:34 Caller Yeah, I'm here.

1:04:35 Adam You're 21.

1:04:36 Caller What's up?

1:04:37 Caller My husband and I can't have sex.

1:04:39 Adam Have you ever?

1:04:40 Caller We did. I lost my virginity to him maybe six months before we got married.

1:04:45 Drew Just that one time?

1:04:47 Caller I'm sorry?

1:04:47 Drew Just that one time?

1:04:49 Caller No. We were like bunnies. Right before we got married, we said we were going to stop just so my body could rest for the honeymoon. The honeymoon was great. But for the last seven or eight months, when my husband tried to insert his penis into my vagina, I feel like I'm being ripped apart.

1:05:08 Caller I wish some woman I was going to the doctor's and he just did stress.

1:05:12 Caller But it does not feel like stress.

1:05:15 Adam Hold on. Let me talk to Dr. Drew Pinsky. I know she's going to do a lot of pain, but I wish someone were complaining about me tearing her apart.

1:05:22 Caller I know.

1:05:22 Adam Olivia Graham is the highest compliment in your life. It's not just out. It's like he's tearing me apart. Some day, somebody will be able to coerce somebody to say that. Just for the sake of saying it.

1:05:37 Caller I know people don't have to mean things when they say things to you.

1:05:39 Drew They just have to say them.

1:05:40 Adam A seven-year-old, they call this show Adam and I. This is my oldest daughter. Are you in? Yeah, you're crying. What happened? I'm here. Did you get raped or something?

1:05:53 Caller No, I've never ever been touched by anyone besides my husband.

1:05:57 Caller Well, no, hold on a second.

1:06:01 Adam Something's going on with Kara. You know what I mean? Yeah. But this is like weird virginity. We're going to rest up the rest of the vagina. I've never. This kind of person gets vaginismus.

1:06:13 Caller I know. What's going on there?

1:06:14 Adam Hey Kara.

1:06:15 Caller Yeah.

1:06:16 Adam Have you ever heard of vaginismus?

1:06:18 Caller No, I haven't.

1:06:19 Adam It's basically spasm of the muscles in the floor of the pelvis that make it painful or impossible even to have penetration. And while stress is definitely contributed to that, there's some component of vaginismus that really is sort of a reflex cycle and they can decondition that. There are people that have sort of developed a whole system of sort of behavioral modification basically. Yes, I think Sting does that. It's actually a reference on my website at drdrew.com. If you look up vaginismus in the search area, I think, I'm pretty sure it's in there.

1:06:52 Caller I think you can get to it that way.

1:06:54 Caller Okay. It's vaginismus.

1:06:55 Adam Is there a Mallory the Talking Vagina?

1:06:57 Drew Well, there's actually a whole society.

1:06:59 Adam There's a society.

1:07:00 Caller Again, you can find on the web, I forget the exact website, but it's just dedicated to vaginismus.

1:07:05 Adam There's a lot of women get this and you get research on the different exercises you can do and the health you can get and if it is something that can be deconditioned, it should work.

1:07:13 Drew If it is something emotional, then that means it will work.

1:07:18 Adam Why do you feel like you're tearing apart?

1:07:20 Caller It just hurts incredibly.

1:07:22 Adam I see.

1:07:24 Caller It never hurt before. It never ever hurt before.

1:07:27 Drew Let's get going. Some people think it's like a spinal reflex.

1:07:31 Caller Once it's in, it's going.

1:07:33 Adam Are you a religious person?

1:07:35 Caller I used to be.

1:07:36 Adam What happened?

1:07:38 Caller I don't know. When I married my husband, my friends at church dismissed me as a friend, and so I started working.

1:07:46 Drew Why?

1:07:47 Caller Excuse me?

1:07:48 Drew What's wrong with your husband?

1:07:49 Caller I was with a guy that I had known.

1:07:51 Caller I was with him for two years, and he was trying to force himself on me, and I said, no, I'm saving myself.

1:07:58 Caller He didn't like that.

1:07:58 Caller So when I broke up with him and got married about maybe a year and a half later, they said that I had no feeling for him, and I told them they were on crack.

1:08:06 Caller So we had a falling out.

1:08:09 Caller I'm not accepting them. Besides that, my best friend told my pastor, I was only getting married because I was having sex, which wasn't true.

1:08:16 Caller But hold on a second.

1:08:20 Drew She's anxious. Don't get her wrong. You first.

1:08:22 Adam So there's something going on here with Karen.

1:08:27 Drew Being anxious doesn't give you that.

1:08:29 Caller Don't.

1:08:32 Caller Yeah.

1:08:34 Adam Where's your dad?

1:08:35 Caller My dad?

1:08:36 Adam Yeah.

1:08:36 Caller Downstairs is where you live.

1:08:38 Adam You live with him?

1:08:39 Caller I live with my mom, my brother, his wife, his wife's mom, their two kids, my dad's best friend and my dad.

1:08:45 Adam And your husband?

1:08:46 Caller My husband, yeah.

1:08:48 Adam All right.

1:08:49 Caller There's a lot of people here.

1:08:50 Adam And Pele, the soccer star, was there as well?

1:08:54 Drew Yeah, he's in the garage. Yeah.

1:08:56 Caller Who doesn't know that?

1:08:59 Adam That's a lot of pressure on a dwelling. You might have to put a little more air in the tires of the house. You know what I'm saying?

1:09:06 Drew Hi there.

1:09:10 Adam Yeah. And your dad never beat on you or anything?

1:09:13 Caller Never, never.

1:09:14 Adam He hits you with a whiskey bottle.

1:09:16 Caller No, my dad has never.

1:09:18 Drew Okay.

1:09:19 Adam You don't believe you're going to hell?

1:09:21 Caller Hell is not even close.

1:09:22 Drew Okay. All right.

1:09:23 Adam I'll see you in hell anyway. Okay. Thank you. You look that thing up on the web, please, Karen. Yeah. Let's help her. Come on.

1:09:31 Caller Come on. Hey, it's a weird.

1:09:33 Adam I'm with you on this.

1:09:34 Caller But who is she living with?

1:09:36 Drew Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, brother, brother's wife, husband, son.

1:09:42 Adam The cast of Hee Haw is in there. I think Roy Clark and the twins, the Hee Haw twins and Hee Haw, the mule.

1:09:52 Caller How many god damn people?

1:09:55 Drew In the trailer.

1:09:56 Adam Listen, if I get married, I barely want to live with my wife.

1:10:01 Drew That's good because she will barely want to live with you.

1:10:03 Caller I know, but I couldn't imagine.

1:10:07 Adam First of all, I can't even imagine my mom and my dad seeing each other. I couldn't imagine living with each other.

1:10:14 Caller The sisters and uncles and all.

1:10:17 Adam Here's the irony of all this. The more people that live in a house, the smaller the house. It's not like they're in some Bruce Wayne's stately manor somewhere where, listen, you go to the Roosevelt Wing, I'll be down in the Lincoln, the Eisenhower suite and we'll meet you in the grand formal dining room or something. No, no, no. The bigger the house you have, the less people that live in there and the smaller, the more. It's the sad part about life. All right. Girlfriend's butt bleeds a lot after anal sex. We'll get to that after this. Yeah, it is the loveline. I'm Ace. That's my partner Drew. And phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Just hop back on the phone and speak to Adam, who's 18.

1:11:17 Caller Adam?

1:11:18 Caller Yeah. What's up?

1:11:20 Caller Hey.

1:11:20 Drew Is this Dr. Drew?

1:11:21 Caller Yeah.

1:11:22 Caller Oh, hi.

1:11:23 Caller So I was having anal sex with my girlfriend today. And like when I pulled it out, it was like covered in blood and she was kind of bleeding.

1:11:31 Drew That's very nice.

1:11:33 Caller Yeah.

1:11:33 Caller It's good.

1:11:34 Drew Yeah.

1:11:35 Caller Yeah. So.

1:11:36 Adam How could that be bad?

1:11:37 Drew What? How could that be bad?

1:11:38 Adam Good times.

1:11:39 Caller Good times. Good times.

1:11:41 Drew How could this be bad? Yeah.

1:11:43 Caller So. Yeah. You know, this is what can happen.

1:11:46 Drew You can pair hemorrhoids.

1:11:50 Caller Yeah.

1:11:51 Adam How old is she? She's 6'11.

1:11:53 Caller 16.

1:11:54 Drew Yeah.

1:11:55 Caller That's good.

1:11:55 Drew Well, she's in my life. Any diarrhea or anything before? Nothing I know.

1:12:02 Adam Is she concerned about it? Does she know that's what you saw?

1:12:04 Caller Yeah.

1:12:06 Adam Were you wearing a condom?

1:12:07 Drew Yeah.

1:12:08 Adam You were?

1:12:09 Drew Yeah.

1:12:10 Caller That's like, doesn't have anything to do with that one.

1:12:12 Adam Yeah. What's up with her? What do you mean? She just kind of experimental?

1:12:17 Caller Yeah, basically.

1:12:18 Adam No one did anything weird to her?

1:12:20 Drew 16?

1:12:20 Adam No, nothing I know.

1:12:23 Drew Yeah.

1:12:26 Caller Is there anything I should be doing for it?

1:12:28 Drew Yeah, getting her to a doctor would be a great thing. Okay.

1:12:30 Adam Really?

1:12:31 Caller You get her to a doctor?

1:12:33 Adam Yeah, I'm afraid so.

1:12:34 Caller It could be colitis, could be...

1:12:35 Adam Hold on a second... .climatory bowel disease, it could be fissure, could be tear. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How dare you? How dare you? Now listen, if she had had some bleeding beforehand without the trauma to that part of the body then you'd say well there's something going on down there. Right. But the fact that he wedged his fat dork in her ass only moments before the bleeding would suggest that that's what caused it. Now what you're saying is perhaps the penis was like the key... The catalyst. To unlock something that was already in there. Correct. It's probably not it though. Possibly. It's probably the fact that something tore something. The thing about the tearing is then the thing starts to scar down. You get stenosis. So what did she say? She fell on a golf club?

1:13:29 Drew Yes.

1:13:32 Adam Now what if she... Anybody that works like that, they're used to people telling them.

1:13:35 Drew All right.

1:13:35 Adam But all I'm saying is, listen, how am I Adam? I've got a 16 year old girlfriend. I'm just a corn holder and I found some blood on my penis. I would sit back for a couple of days to see how it looked down there.

1:13:48 Drew Okay.

1:13:48 Adam You know what I'm saying?

1:13:49 Drew Yes.

1:13:51 Adam I'm only saying that to Drew because I know in the best of all possible worlds, everyone gets everything looked at, but there's a lot of stuff that people don't get looked at. Here's what I'm saying, Drew. Just listen and tell me if this is irresponsible. Irresponsible. Thank you. What if she hung out for a day or so, check the toilet paper kind of thing, seeing how things were down there, comfort level and all that kind of stuff, and if there's any problems a day or so from now, then she goes to the doctor.

1:14:21 Caller I can't say that's okay, but I understand why somebody would do that.

1:14:23 Adam But then let's say she engages in anal sex again and tears up again. I don't think she's going to be doing that. I just don't. It's just, can I tell you, women these days, by the time 25, 28 get ready to get married, they're like some South Central liquor store that's been looted. There's nothing left of them. They've been ear-banged and nostril-penetrated, cornhole, gang bangs and lesbos. I just hope the lion's share of it's not on film. What the hell is going on? Marcus?

1:15:04 Caller What's up?

1:15:05 Adam You're 22.

1:15:06 Caller That's right. What's going on? Happy birthday, Adam.

1:15:08 Adam Thank you.

1:15:09 Caller You're welcome. Well, I read an article in the paper the other day that said when you mix alcohol and Tylenol, it destroys your liver.

1:15:20 Adam It can. It can really destroy it.

1:15:22 Caller Really?

1:15:22 Adam Yeah. It's alcoholics.

1:15:24 Drew Most people can take a large amount of alcohol.

1:15:27 Adam When they're exposed to even small amounts of Tylenol, it can exceed the alcoholic liver's capacity to metabolize the Tylenol, and it converts into a toxic compound and can destroy the entire liver.

1:15:39 Caller Okay. So I drink probably a six pack a night and a couple of Tylenol P.M.s too.

1:15:44 Drew Yeah. I wouldn't do the Tylenol.

1:15:47 Caller What about excedrin PM?

1:15:49 Adam That's aspirin. That's basically aspirin, which is going to give you a different set of problems.

1:15:53 Drew You know what the PM part is?

1:15:54 Adam Just take the bandage rail. That's all that is. If it's for sleep, take the bandage rail. Where do you get the bandage rail?

1:16:00 Drew Over the counter.

1:16:02 Adam Like what's it in? You can get it straight. Just bandage rail? I'm going to write that down. Well, I know, but is that only for sleep?

1:16:12 Drew No, no.

1:16:12 Adam It's an anti-allergy.

1:16:13 Caller That's what I thought. I thought that hyped you up.

1:16:16 Drew Some people.

1:16:18 Caller Taking too much, it will hype you up.

1:16:19 Adam Mostly, we get real drowsy on it. Really? You get some weird paradoxical rash. I just got a new note here. Bandage rail. Yeah, because I'll take a couple of time. Actually, I haven't taken one of those in a while. But Tylenol, PM and booze is no good, right?

1:16:33 Drew Well, if you drink once in a while, it won't be good.

1:16:36 Adam What if you're washing it down with the booze though? It's probably like a beer.

1:16:40 Drew It's probably no good.

1:16:41 Adam Oh, okay. It's an innate liver disease. I see. All right. What are you going to do? Hey, you got to go sometime, right, honey? Anna? Wait a minute. Anna?

1:16:50 Caller Yeah.

1:16:51 Adam Anna, you're 19?

1:16:53 Caller Yeah.

1:16:54 Drew What's up with you?

1:16:55 Caller Nothing, Rich. I was just calling because I wanted to know that after you're with somebody, a guy, over a long amount of time.

1:17:04 Adam I've been with enough guys over a long enough period of time to know what you're talking about.

1:17:08 Caller Okay.

1:17:10 Adam You're gay.

1:17:11 Caller Of course. No. Here's the thing. I've been with this guy for four years and whenever we first got together, it seemed bigger and now it's not. I wanted to know if that's normal or-

1:17:25 Adam I think that was his level of excitement about the relationship, Brandon. Maybe your ass has gotten bigger over the years.

1:17:32 Caller Actually, no. I used to be like 4'11, 169 pounds and now I'm like 5'4, 110.

1:17:40 Adam Geez. It's a new woman.

1:17:43 Drew How do you lose a lot of weight?

1:17:45 Caller Of four years. Of the four years.

1:17:47 Drew Working at it? You mean working the whole time?

1:17:50 Caller Yeah.

1:17:50 Caller A lot of crap.

1:17:53 Caller Well, no. You know what I mean.

1:17:54 Drew Hold on a second.

1:17:56 Adam Loveline recreation.

1:17:57 Drew Go ahead. Yeah.

1:17:58 Adam I used to be 4'11, 169 pounds, now I'm 5'4, 110. How do you lose a lot of weight? Of four years. Working at it the whole time? Four years.

1:18:09 Drew How do you do it? I don't know.

1:18:11 Caller This and that. All that crap. Good.

1:18:16 Adam Hold on. You should write a book. There are other people who will be interested in these pearls of wisdom that you put forth. Thank God I have a pen and pencil here to keep this here right now. So you're saying the way you lost weight is a little this or a little that. Right, Anna?

1:18:35 Caller What?

1:18:36 Adam Okay. Anna?

1:18:37 Caller Okay.

1:18:38 Drew Yeah.

1:18:38 Adam How did you lose all that weight?

1:18:41 Caller Because I didn't want to be fat anymore. I was sick of being like the fattest person in the world.

1:18:46 Drew Hold on a second.

1:18:48 Adam How do you lose weight? Let me see. There are answers. There are three answers now so far for us.

1:18:55 Drew Little this or that.

1:18:56 Adam How did you lose 65 pounds? Number one, over four years.

1:19:02 Drew Yes.

1:19:03 Adam A little nonsensical, but yet an answer. Number two, little this, little that. Number three, sick of being fat.

1:19:12 Caller Okay. Let's try one more time.

1:19:14 Caller Six pounds.

1:19:16 Drew Okay. How did you lose all that weight?

1:19:20 Caller Cabbage soup diet, getting a job. I didn't want to be fat anymore.

1:19:24 Caller Cabbage soup diet.

1:19:27 Adam It's bizarre that we go from... I thought she was going to yell at me and go, listen, I didn't have a specific answer. I grew out of it. What can I say? But the cabbage soup diet. That's how you lost the weight?

1:19:40 Caller You were guaranteed to lose 10 to 20 pounds or something, 10 to 17 pounds in seven days as you stick to the cabbage soup diet.

1:19:48 Adam And that's what you did?

1:19:49 Caller I starved my ass off there.

1:19:51 Adam You were on the cabbage soup diet.

1:19:53 Caller Yes. I was 150 when I first moved out here to California and I went to the doctors because I was like having depression, leaving all my friends out in the Eastman Crap and I gained weight.

1:20:04 Adam And all your friends are in depression left.

1:20:06 Caller Yes. So all I did was ate.

1:20:09 Adam And so you did the cabbage soup diet?

1:20:11 Caller Yes. For my first week. And once I once I noticed that I lost so much weight, even though I was starving to death, it felt good because I felt like I had more energy. So I just I kept wanting to lose more and more. And so but that wasn't what I called.

1:20:25 Adam I was just saying that. Listen, how come we had asked you five goddamn times how you lost the weight before you came up with the cabbage soup?

1:20:36 Caller I don't know.

1:20:37 Caller All right.

1:20:38 Adam Good.

1:20:38 Caller Let's go on hold a longer.

1:20:43 Adam Let her eat some of that cabbage soup on hold. Jason, you're 14.

1:20:49 Caller I heard something about how if you drink a lot of Mountain Dew it can shrink your sperm count. I want to know if there's any truth. Where did you hear that? Just around, a couple of people. I know no evidence.

1:21:01 Adam A word on Retarded Street has it.

1:21:03 Caller That's it.

1:21:05 Adam Now.

1:21:07 Caller Good.

1:21:08 Adam All right. Bye.

1:21:10 Caller Good.

1:21:10 Adam I wish it did. Christ. That and Sunny Delight. I wish it did. I was reprimanded for calling the Mountain Dew nectar that's hard on more than one occasion on the radio. So I'm reprimanded by our general manager.

1:21:29 Drew Yeah.

1:21:29 Adam General manager.

1:21:31 Drew The people Mountain Dew whom you did a commercial for.

1:21:33 Adam Hey, they paid me 10 grand.

1:21:35 Caller That's stupid.

1:21:37 Adam You know, listen, who's stupid? I make fun of the product for years on the radio, then they give me 10 grand.

1:21:42 Caller What the hell? I'm the dumb one.

1:21:45 Adam You know what I'm saying? No, you're literally. I'm literally a millionaire. Listen, here's how you literally become a millionaire. You accept money no matter what.

1:21:57 Caller Do you understand how you literally become a sellout?

1:21:59 Adam Sellout.

1:22:00 Drew That's right.

1:22:00 Caller Literally.

1:22:01 Drew Literally so?

1:22:02 Adam No, I did not sell because now I'm talking about it.

1:22:04 Caller Let's see.

1:22:05 Adam We got to take a break. All right. We're going to get back to Anna and her big penis theory. I was fascinating at cabbage soup time, but we'll get back to her after this. Yeah.

1:22:35 Drew How do you do, everybody? You're speaking those words to me, too.

1:22:42 Adam The BuzzFarge is looking at the Ann and the Danielle and the Anderson. Danielle what? Now, she got a straight.

1:22:49 Caller She's...

1:22:52 Adam Anderson wants no part of it. Ann looks at you like, what the... I'd say there's a handful of people that don't think farting is funny and I don't trust in them.

1:23:05 Drew I really don't.

1:23:06 Caller They'll sit and look at you when you're broadcasting.

1:23:08 Adam That's right.

1:23:10 Caller Why not?

1:23:11 Adam Where's all the guys from the man show? Jimmy would roll around on the ground right now if I farted on him. Where's all the people that are amused by my ass? Why can't they be here? All right, Donna. You lost all the way to eat in the canvas. You want to know why your boyfriend's penis is getting smaller? It's not getting smaller.

1:23:34 Caller So I'm just used to it or whatever.

1:23:35 Adam Yeah, that's right.

1:23:36 Drew I believe there's something in the guy's penis. Some men are capable of changing a little bit.

1:23:41 Adam Really? Well, listen, let me ask you this, Drew. As a man, women do this too, but it's like weight gain or something. Do you ever wake up in the morning and you're getting dressed or something and you look at your arm and you go, the veins are coming out of it and you have muscles coming out of it? And then there's other days when it looks like you just got a cast taken off it and it's atrophied. It's not like you did anything. It wasn't like you were at the gym earlier that day or anything. Certain times, certain muscles become sort of engorged and look a little better, hang a little better. Can your penis do that? I think it's well-documented that men's testosterone levels change quite substantially, so there might be some men's testosterone levels. There's been times when I've looked at my penis and went, eh, not bad, not bad. And then I woke up and I realized that wasn't my penis, it was in my hand or something else.

1:24:40 Drew What were we talking about?

1:24:42 Adam No, we just call it an out.

1:24:44 Drew No one, that's it, no one cares. Yeah.

1:24:47 Adam Eddie? Hey, what's up? Hey, you're 20, what's up?

1:24:50 Caller Yeah.

1:24:51 Caller I was wondering about my wife's birth because she's a little bit rough one day and some milky stuff came out and...

1:25:01 Adam Bit rough?

1:25:02 Caller Um, no.

1:25:03 Adam You ran over her with a car or something?

1:25:07 Caller No, just playing around and stuff. And uh...

1:25:10 Adam Rough ride, yeah.

1:25:11 Caller Yeah, and what do you call it?

1:25:13 Caller Just um, like I squeezed a bit out and had some... Just a little drop or something.

1:25:19 Drew One side only?

1:25:20 Caller Huh?

1:25:20 Adam Only on one side?

1:25:21 Caller Uh, no, both.

1:25:23 Drew Is she on medication? No.

1:25:25 Caller Is she on...

1:25:26 Drew I'll tell you, there's a couple things it can do there.

1:25:28 Adam One is a thyroid condition, the other is a pituitary tumor.

1:25:31 Drew Most commonly actually it's medication.

1:25:33 Adam Even the birth control pill can do this.

1:25:35 Drew And then sometimes just structural abnormalities in the breast itself. It's probably appropriate for her to get a mammogram just to make sure it's nothing. Get the hormones tested. And these things usually end up doing no big deal.

1:25:46 Adam Ben? Yes? You're 27.

1:25:50 Caller How are you doing? Good.

1:25:51 Adam How are you doing? Thanks for that so long pause. Where's my Alex?

1:25:54 Caller I didn't know if I was on or not. My question is, there are times whenever I'm macerating and for reasons, I guess spare the moment, I don't have any place to put what comes out. So I press underneath my scrotum and what that does is it allows me to have an orgasm, but nothing happens.

1:26:15 Adam I know what it's like. You're macerating in a operating room or synagogue or a children's playhouse or something. It is an art museum. Art museum.

1:26:24 Caller You can think of a thousand places.

1:26:25 Adam There are a million places where you have no place to put the cement. Exactly. You're on the road. You don't have a wet nap and a foil container. I know what you're saying. You make a little foil trough in order to capture the cement as they used to do in the army. You have no place to do this. In this case, you press on the perineum. What is that down there? Perineum. Perineum, I mean.

1:26:57 Drew There you go.

1:26:58 Adam Good times.

1:27:00 Caller It also feels a little better also.

1:27:02 Adam Yeah, it's one of those smokeless ashtrays. Nice.

1:27:06 Caller It comes out later? Yeah.

1:27:08 Adam Yeah. Comes out in your pants when you're walking in your first class. That's nice. All right, Ben. Where are you masturbating that you can't afford to make a mess?

1:27:17 Caller Well, it's like one of those spare the moment things. You know, you get in the mood. Spare the moment. Your rags are way across the room.

1:27:27 Adam Yeah, that's why I keep trail rags in the bed. I use them like stepping stones, trying to find my bed.

1:27:34 Caller Crack.

1:27:38 Adam Oh, my God. Yeah. You know, I told you, my maid was over today, I did the laundry before. What goes on in my hamper, no woman should pay for. No woman should handle what goes on in my hamper. They just, it wouldn't be fair. I'd have to start paying her thousands of dollars. Michael or Michelle? Yes. You're 22. What's up?

1:28:06 Caller Okay. Growing up my whole life, I always thought that two girls kissing and being together was disgusting, right? But just recently, a friend of mine and I, whenever we drink or get drunk, we start kissing a lot of each other and making out and this stuff. I was just wondering if that was normal.

1:28:28 Drew Is that something you want to be doing with her?

1:28:31 Caller Yeah.

1:28:31 Drew You're gay.

1:28:32 Caller No, I'm not.

1:28:34 Caller I'm not.

1:28:36 Adam Well, Drew said, you're gay, you're gay.

1:28:38 Caller I don't think about it when I'm not drinking.

1:28:40 Caller Who initiated this?

1:28:42 Adam Who initiated this?

1:28:43 Caller We both did, I guess.

1:28:45 Caller Why is it only when you're loaded if it's something that's important?

1:28:48 Caller I don't know, but I don't think about it like that when I'm not drinking. It's like only like when I'm drunk or when she's drunk that we both think about doing it or we have.

1:28:56 Adam Yeah, but maybe it's just something you don't want to think about and that you use alcohol as an excuse to think about. Do you ever think about that?

1:29:07 Drew Yeah.

1:29:07 Adam You're not drunk now, are you?

1:29:09 Caller No, I'm not.

1:29:10 Adam Would you like to be with her now?

1:29:15 Caller I don't know.

1:29:16 Drew Yeah.

1:29:17 Adam I think you maybe would.

1:29:19 Drew All right.

1:29:20 Adam You have a boyfriend?

1:29:22 Caller I have. Well, yeah, somewhat.

1:29:25 Adam Yeah?

1:29:25 Caller He's away right now, but yeah.

1:29:27 Adam Where is he?

1:29:28 Caller He's in Cincinnati.

1:29:29 Adam I see. Is he attending prison?

1:29:32 Drew Yeah. Yeah, good. All right.

1:29:34 Adam Hey, Michelle, you have a boyfriend now?

1:29:37 Drew Yes.

1:29:37 Adam All right. So we'll just focus on him a little bit. Figure out which way to that relationship before you say goodbye. What else do you do with this girl? You just make out?

1:29:47 Drew Yeah, we've just kissed.

1:29:49 Adam That's it? You just kiss?

1:29:50 Caller Yeah.

1:29:51 Adam See, that's the thing.

1:29:52 Caller It's like two chicks.

1:29:53 Caller Yeah.

1:29:54 Adam You know what I mean? It takes a guy to propel things.

1:29:56 Caller Yeah.

1:29:58 Caller You understand?

1:29:58 Adam It's like two women making out. If two guys start making out, the hand is on each other's junk in a matter of seconds. Because it's like, hey, we're just kissing so I can get to the guy's junk. Yeah. When a guy starts making out with a girl, it's like, here's the idea. I'm going to distract her while I slide my finger up her.

1:30:19 Caller You remember those days?

1:30:21 Adam You make out with a distraction, right? Yeah. It's like, hey, I really want to make out. Let's make out.

1:30:25 Drew Hang on.

1:30:26 Adam Then you're talking to your hand.

1:30:28 Drew Get down there.

1:30:29 Caller Get down.

1:30:29 Drew Don't come back.

1:30:30 Caller You hit some boondocks. Like, what? Get down there. I'm keeping her distracted.

1:30:35 Adam Now go.

1:30:36 Caller Go.

1:30:37 Adam Wait a minute.

1:30:37 Drew Hold on.

1:30:39 Adam Grab the boob. Grab the boob on the way down.

1:30:41 Caller Okay. Keep kissing. No, don't worry. I'm kissing.

1:30:44 Adam It's fine.

1:30:45 Caller Go. Go, go, go. The idea is to keep kissing and not break it up.

1:30:51 Adam You don't want to change gears when the fan gets down there. Did you pretend like the hand's kind of on its own, like a ferret crawling around you, but you're just making out?

1:31:01 Caller But you get two women together, they start making out. They just keep making out.

1:31:05 Adam The hand never starts sliding around. Women don't do that. It takes the guy to get the hand going. That's why one of the lesbians has to be the man. You see? And now what they got is two actual women.

1:31:17 Caller Better break it before you take this whole idea.

1:31:21 Adam Well now.

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Monday, May 29, 2000