Episode 1000754887177

2:32 So, lean up against the money.

2:33 Guest Now, some of it's kind of annoying. A lot of improvs are annoying. Wouldn't that? Yeah. Gain me. Yeah. I mean, we actually thought the most of it is.

2:43 Drew I didn't say that, Adam.

2:44 Give us that.

2:47 Guest It's exactly 99.8% of improvs are annoying.

6:19 Voiceover Loveline, Coast to Coast.

6:21 Adam Yeah, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-8-5-4-44-55. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. And tonight we have from the Upright Citizens Brigade, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh. These guys, we may remember Upright Citizens Brigade from Comedy Central, and they do, I guess they have some, they do cut some shows from that horrible network. They're going to catch you on to the Man Show soon and trim that fat, but we're here to, I come from improvisational comedy, as you well know, Drew.

7:06 Drew Yeah.

7:06 Adam I've graced the stage of the legitimate theater for many years.

7:11 Drew As you won't let us forget.

7:12 Adam Yes, and this is a style of comedy that a lot of people aren't familiar with. I don't believe it.

7:19 Drew Well, they are, but they don't understand what they're saying.

7:21 Adam No, they're used to Saturday Night Live and SCTV, but that's sketch comedy.

7:27 Drew I see.

7:28 Adam They don't know the improvisational comedy, and they're used to improvisational comedy as it pertains to like a stand-up comedian doing a little riffing, but not group improvisational comedy. And it's something that's fun and kind of interesting, and these guys specialize in it, so we can talk a little about that tonight. So what, lean up against the mic?

7:47 Guest Well, some of it's kind of annoying. A lot of improv's annoying, we'll admit that.

7:52 Yeah, gamey.

7:54 Guest Yeah, I mean, actually probably most of it is.

7:56 Drew Well, I've been meaning to tell you that, Adam.

7:58 Adam Give us, uh...

8:00 Oh, dear you.

8:01 Guest It's exactly 99.8% of improv is annoying.

8:05 Adam Yeah, I get uncomfortable watching it. I can't admit, I hate being in the audience.

8:10 Guest Actually, I hate improv.

8:12 100% of singing improv is awful.

8:14 Adam Yes.

8:14 All singing improv is awful.

8:16 Adam Yes, but whenever I see a guy improvise, and this is a very specialized, unique part of improvisational comedy where someone just gets out there with an acoustic guitar or is accompanied by a piano, they throw out an occupation, they throw out a name, and they throw out something specific, and this guy does a whole song on the fly to it. It's very impressive, but it's like plate spinning. You're sick of it after 30 seconds, but very impressed by it.

8:42 Guest Those songs, you know I hate those songs.

8:47 They always go too long. Those friggin improv songs.

8:54 Adam Yeah.

8:55 Guest Get It.

8:56 Adam What do you guys think of Whose Line Is It anyway? Is that, are you jealous?

8:59 Caller Ryan Stiles is pretty funny. Ryan Stiles is pretty amazing, actually.

9:06 Adam There's probably only a handful of guys in the country that are really, really spectacular at group improv, and I guess Ryan Stiles could be counted amongst those. Wouldn't you agree? I can't watch improvisational comedy.

9:20 Caller You get too jealous.

9:21 Adam How dare you? It makes me uncomfortable.

9:24 Guest We actually don't do the same kind of Whose Line Is It anyway. They do more of a game style of getting many suggestions from the audience as they go along, different kinds of games. We actually try to improvise scenes like you see on SNL or SCTV. We try to just improvise funny scenes, you know. We don't make up movie styles or writing on our feet.

9:46 Adam You can you can see the Upright Citizens Brigade performing at the is the ImprovOlympic?

9:54 Guest That's right.

9:54 Adam Yes. And that's what's off Coengan? Wait a minute.

9:59 Guest Santa Monica and Wilcox.

10:01 Adam What the hell?

10:01 Drew If something ever did they move?

10:05 Guest Yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:06 Adam They used to be on like Coengan up above Hollywood.

10:10 Guest Yeah, they're going to move again actually.

10:11 Drew If something ever sort of really gelled out, you guys write it down afterwards and try to...

10:15 Guest At least half of our season on Comedy Central was written off of Improviseed.

10:20 Caller Or stolen from Python. A lot of stuff was just literal translations of old money Python sketches.

10:26 Adam And you guys have your own theater in New York, correct?

10:29 Caller Yeah, right on 22nd between 6th and 7th Avenue in the...

10:34 Guest Right next to that old guy.

10:36 Caller And the family that takes the fire hydrant off and takes showers in it.

10:40 Adam For those of you who, like I said, haven't been initiated to improvisational, group improvisational humor, it's pretty good. I suggest, not for me, but I suggest... I just get uncomfortable. It reminds me of my old days. Go out there and watch it.

10:58 Guest That's like saying you love the food in a restaurant. I personally think it tastes like crap, but I highly recommend you go get yourself a big plate of it, because it's supposed to be good for you.

11:07 Guest I love the way it tastes, but it makes me diarrhea.

11:12 Adam Right, right. Drew, you know what I'm saying. You back me up, would you? Yes, and.

11:17 Caller Okay, there you go.

11:19 Adam Not only that, but let's take some phone calls and speak to Taylor. Taylor is 16 years old.

11:26 Taylor?

11:27 Hey, Adam, how's it going, Dr. Drew?

11:29 Drew Taylor.

11:29 Great.

11:30 Hey, Adam, guess what?

11:31 I know your niece. I go to school with her.

11:35 Drew My niece, a two year old.

11:37 Adam I have a step niece.

11:38 Oh, it's a step niece then.

11:40 Adam Where are you calling from? Like Oregon?

11:42 Yeah, Lake Oswego.

11:44 Adam Right. Yeah.

11:45 So I go to, I have math class with her.

11:47 Adam Wait a minute. How, wait, what, what is she like? 13?

11:51 She's a freshman. So she's.

11:53 Drew 13, 14.

11:54 Adam Holy crap.

11:55 Drew Adam never talks about that part of his family.

11:58 Oh, you don't?

11:58 Drew No, never, never knew he had a that side of the family.

12:02 Adam Well, as you know, my policy with my family is if I don't have something bad to say, I don't say it at all. And I have no problem with that side of the family.

12:10 Drew If you can't whine and complain.

12:12 Adam That's what I'm saying.

12:12 Drew Yeah. So this is probably the more evolved part of it.

12:15 Adam Yeah. These are good people.

12:16 That's cool.

12:17 Adam They're step family, you understand. They don't have any Corolla blood in them. That's why they're okay.

12:22 She told me she knew you were her uncle, so.

12:25 Adam That's right.

12:27 Caller She admitted it?

12:28 Drew Yeah, she admitted it.

12:29 I was like, aren't you a little ashamed?

12:30 No.

12:31 Adam Yep. I have a picture of her up at my house.

12:33 Drew You do not.

12:34 Adam I absolutely do. I mean, they sent it to me in a frame. It's all like, you know, put it somewhere, but yeah. All right, Taylor.

12:42 Drew What's the question, Taylor?

12:43 My question is, I can masturbate.

12:47 I can masturbate limp.

12:49 Adam I don't want you around my niece, you son of a bitch. I don't know.

12:52 No, no, no, your niece is.

12:53 Adam What are you thinking about? You think about my niece?

12:55 No, no, no, I'm thinking about other people.

12:57 Adam Yeah, like our little sisters.

12:59 Drew No, like you, Adam.

13:01 Guest Is high school way cooler that you can get on the radio, use your name, talk about masturbating, and you're not worried about going back to school and everyone saying, dude, no, listen, they, these guys get up, we go to colleges, they stand up in front of a couple of thousand of their friends.

13:13 Caller Oh, no shame.

13:15 Guest Yeah, there was actually a myth when I was in high school that none of us masturbated.

13:20 Adam No, not anymore. The cat and the semen are out of the bag.

13:25 Drew Taylor, their pastime is sort of trying to get young women to talk about this, isn't it?

13:29 Adam So they can masturbate, do it. I love when guys do that. They go, come on, you know you masturbate. Everyone does. It's okay. Just tell me. And they're like, I don't masturbate. Yes, I do. Come on. You do, right?

13:40 Caller Hold on.

13:40 Adam I got to check off.

13:41 You do?

13:42 Caller Once, just once.

13:43 Adam Where were you?

13:44 Caller Keep talking.

13:45 Well, in the shower.

13:46 Caller In the shower. Hold on.

13:47 Adam Nude?

13:48 Of course, in the shower.

13:50 Okay, hold on. Hold on.

13:51 What are you doing?

13:52 Adam Hold on.

13:52 I'm checking off.

13:53 Caller Hold on.

13:55 Adam Okay.

13:56 Caller All right.

13:56 Adam You want to talk sports or can I go?

13:59 Caller I can go.

14:00 Adam Get out of here.

14:01 All right.

14:03 Adam Taylor?

14:04 Yep. Yep.

14:05 Adam All right. So anyway, you masturbate.

14:07 So I can masturbate the regular way. Right. This is stiff and then it comes out.

14:13 But I can masturbate.

14:14 Caller What comes out?

14:16 His soul. Some of this green stuff comes out.

14:20 Drew And then what's the new way?

14:22 And then I can masturbate limp and it still comes out.

14:25 Drew Are you on a medication?

14:27 I'm on dexedrine.

14:28 Drew But that's probably why that happens to you.

14:31 Really?

14:32 Drew Yeah.

14:32 Adam What's he taking that for, Taylor?

14:34 ADD.

14:35 Adam Just ADD.

14:35 Just to help me concentrate at school better.

14:37 Drew Right.

14:38 Adam Well, listen, if you're so easy.

14:39 Guest Doc, explain that to me. How's that work?

14:41 Drew That's a side effect of medication. I mean, there can be spontaneous ejaculations and all kinds of retrograde. They can affect the ejaculatory function when you're on some of these drugs.

14:49 Adam And by the way, if you're squeezing another one off while flaccid after you squeeze the first one off, you're not having difficulty with focus. Do you know what I mean?

14:58 Drew Yeah.

14:58 Adam I mean, that is, that's the definition of concentration. Getting that second one without getting the calf cramp.

15:04 Drew Lymph. Yeah.

15:05 Adam Yeah. That's good.

15:06 Drew Deficient too.

15:07 Adam Yeah. Guys can do that, can't they? When they're younger.

15:10 Drew Sometimes. But it's to me, it's called, it speaks of medication.

15:14 Adam Right. Yeah. You know, the only problem with that limp whack technique is it's a mess. You never know where that stuff's going. You know what I'm saying? You're getting a real bullwhip type action over there. It's on your feet. It's on your forehead. Yeah. It's all over the place.

15:30 Caller Yeah. Like a garden hose.

15:32 Guest Water wiggle.

15:35 John?

15:37 Yeah.

15:37 Adam John, you're 15. What's up?

15:40 Caller I'm really skinny and I've got larger nipples that stick out.

15:45 Adam I see.

15:48 Caller And I was wondering, like, what causes this?

15:51 Adam Well, you have erect nipples, right?

15:56 Caller No. Like, just behind the nipple, they just stick out, like, real off, far, you know, about maybe an inch.

16:04 Adam An inch?

16:05 Caller Yeah.

16:06 Adam Nobody's nip- a monkey's nipples don't hang out an inch.

16:10 Caller Oh, well, they do. And I don't know what causes it. And that's why I'm calling it.

16:14 Adam Who is this? Lily Tomlin?

16:17 Caller Hey, doctor, I'll do it.

16:19 Guest You're telling me if I'm right. I'll seriously answer this. OK. At your age, you produce a lot of testosterone. The testosterone aromatizes, aromatases, aromatases to estrogen, which is a female hormone, which is causing gynochymastia, which is a little bit of swelling in the nipples and it'll go away after puberty.

16:38 Drew Unless you smoke a lot of pot, then it kind of sticks around.

16:40 Caller Oh, crap. Pot causes gynochymastia?

16:43 Guest Yeah.

16:43 Guest Is that right?

16:44 Drew Very common.

16:44 Guest And sometimes.

16:46 Drew It's often actually the early phase of puberty.

16:47 Caller I just want to repeat that forever. Pot causes gynochymastia for everyone in the group.

16:52 Guest Sometimes.

16:53 Drew That's why they're all wearing training bras. But it's the earliest phase of puberty where this happens. And it's actually probably adrenal production of those hormones that are then aromatized estrogen.

17:05 Guest All right.

17:06 Adam Hey, John?

17:07 Caller Yeah?

17:07 Adam How about some weight gain powder and a couple of Band-Aids? I think that should take care of your pride.

17:14 Caller Don't run a marathon. You'll tear them up.

17:16 Guest Blow your nose.

17:17 Caller All right.

17:18 Adam I mean, what can you do, Drew? Put some weight on. He's 15. He's awkward. It's not like he's going to get laid anyway.

17:24 Drew No, just wait. Weight it out.

17:26 Caller If he gains a lot of weight, those nipples will look smaller. If he gained a serious amount of weight.

17:31 Adam Right, but the breast under it will look bigger, which is kind of the negative trade-off there.

17:38 Guest Also, if you date a woman with really enormous silver dollar nipples, you'll look small. Yeah, yours will pale in comparison.

17:45 Adam It's all relative. Right. Ryan? Yeah, you're 17, you're on with the Upright Citizens Brigade.

17:52 Caller Yeah, I want to get my tongue pierced and I want to know what effects like will happen if I can get like swelling in it or...

18:03 Drew Well, what do you think?

18:05 Caller What?

18:05 Drew What do you think?

18:07 Caller Oh, I think I probably can, but...

18:10 Drew Have you ever spoken? Anyone had this done?

18:11 Caller Yeah, my sister's had it done.

18:13 Drew Okay, so I'm sure they told her what the risks are, right?

18:15 Caller Yeah, they told her, but she never really shared it with me. My parents weren't really with her again.

18:20 Drew Bleeding, swelling, infection, get really bad, obstruct the airway, the infection can spread to your head.

18:25 Adam Yeah, but it never happens.

18:27 Caller It looks cool.

18:28 Drew I've seen a couple of infections and they're pretty nasty when they get going.

18:32 Caller They really are. How likely is it?

18:35 Drew It's amazing how infrequently it occurs. Amazing.

18:38 Adam Alright, so you're probably going to be fine, but Ryan, why? I mean, what's the big deal?

18:44 Caller Um, I want to get it. Girls think it's sexy. Right. Do they really?

18:50 Adam I don't know. I mean, heroin addict girls think it's sexy. Do most girls think it's sexy?

18:56 Caller Yeah, it's actually a lot of them.

18:59 Adam Yeah, I think for guys and pardon me for talking about your sister this way but for guys when they see a girl with a tongue piercing, they think game on, right? Game on the groin. I mean, they know they're in for some oral but not your sister.

19:16 Caller Yeah, right.

19:17 Adam But...

19:17 I live in Las Vegas and everything.

19:19 Oh, yeah?

19:20 Adam Is she... what's she doing in Vegas? A little dancing?

19:22 She's a bartender.

19:23 Caller Oh, boy.

19:24 Adam That's what they all say.

19:25 Guest Oh, jeez. That's... what bar?

19:28 Caller Um, the Rum Jungle.

19:31 Guest Oh, yeah. She's good.

19:32 Caller Yeah.

19:32 Guest Oh, jeez.

19:34 Caller She's fantastic.

19:35 She's very...

19:37 Caller But, yeah.

19:37 Yeah, she's very good.

19:39 Adam You replaced the R from Rum Jungle with a C and now you got the real workplace.

19:44 Caller All right.

19:45 Adam All right.

19:46 Caller And, uh...

19:46 Adam Not a bad name for a strip bar.

19:49 Caller What about if I were to do any drugs?

19:52 Caller Would that affect it? Yeah.

19:54 Caller What if?

19:55 Caller Where are you when you do them? That's your first question.

19:57 Caller You mean when? Yeah, when I do them.

19:59 Will it affect...

20:01 Caller Will I get any infections then?

20:02 Guest We can only answer this if it's for a science project and not for a personal edification.

20:07 Caller Yeah, it's the biology.

20:08 Caller All right.

20:09 Adam Now, what about drug usage with it? I mean, I like to cauterize all my openings with a little blow. With... Does that make sense?

20:19 Drew I don't really understand the question.

20:20 Adam He's saying...

20:21 Drew Like, the afternoon that he gets a piercing, he's going to lick a line of cocaine?

20:25 Caller What does he...

20:26 Adam No, like... Guy needs a little freeze.

20:28 Caller It's supposed to get you high.

20:29 Caller If you get your tongue first and then lick a line of cocaine, you're supposed to get a high off that.

20:33 Drew What is that?

20:33 Guest I'd say the one drug you want to stay away from in the tongue is Novocaine. Yeah, no Novocaine in the tongue.

20:40 Caller Yeah, right.

20:41 Adam All you kids are getting into it these days.

20:42 Drew What are you talking about, Ryan?

20:44 Caller I'm talking about, say, if I were to go get it done this Friday or during the weekend or a smoke pod or take acid or E with any of that in my mouth.

20:53 Drew Ryan, you've got a long, difficult life ahead.

20:57 Guest Or take acid.

21:00 Adam Hey, Ryan.

21:00 Guest You can't put acid on for a week.

21:03 Adam Hey, Ryan.

21:04 Guest Yeah?

21:05 Adam You're going to be bar-backing at the rum jungle in about five years, do you hear me?

21:11 Caller You're going to have a cast on your tongue.

21:12 Guest Don't eat weed with that tongue.

21:14 Guest If I were to get this tongue piercing and then, like, we were going to play chicken in, like, these cars that we buy for, like, $250, they're not going to lie. It means the cars, you can, you know, totally destroy them because they only cost $250. Am I in more danger of, like, because my tongue is pierced, of, like, getting hurt if the cars would crash because, like, both of us don't turn away? You know?

21:43 Adam Hey, Ryan?

21:44 Guest Yeah?

21:45 Adam Yeah, I rarely say this, but could you find Jesus Christ, please?

21:49 Caller Uh, I think he's around the block somewhere.

21:51 Adam All right, listen. It wasn't easy on the drugs and the piercings and all this. It's really, it's a temporary fix in whatever problems you have.

21:59 Guest Dude, I gotta get off this phone call now because we're playing Russian Roulette and one of the dudes has a pierced tongue.

22:06 Caller Ask him if it's bad for.

22:08 Adam All right. Hey, Ryan, you can probably do it safely and I'm sure the drugs aren't going to affect it. But in the big picture may not be a great angle. Working at the rum jungle. Keith.

22:21 Caller Yeah.

22:22 Adam You're 17.

22:23 Caller Yeah.

22:24 Adam What's up?

22:25 Caller Um, well, I've just I have depression like really badly all the time.

22:31 Caller And it gets I get violent and suicidal.

22:35 Caller And I do a lot of cutting. All kinds of stuff.

22:40 Adam Hold on. You guys got anything funny to say or is this OK?

22:43 Caller No, we're going to be good.

22:44 Drew What's your question?

22:46 Caller I'm just kind of wondering what's wrong with me.

22:48 Drew You haven't been treated for this?

22:50 Caller I was on. I used to be on Adderall, Dexadrine and Prozac.

22:58 Caller And I hated being on Prozac.

23:00 Drew Why didn't you talk to your doctors about what they thought was going on here?

23:03 Caller I don't know.

23:03 Caller It's just been getting a lot worse this past year.

23:05 Drew Well, get back to the treating team and let's get going here. There's a life-threatening problem you've got.

23:12 Caller Yeah, I just hated being on Prozac.

23:14 Drew Yeah, so they won't put you on Prozac.

23:16 Adam What was wrong with Prozac?

23:20 I just felt depressed all the time.

23:22 Caller Well, sometimes I get in a really great mood. I mean, it's like I'm high.

23:27 I'm in such a great mood.

23:28 Drew Where are you, bipolar?

23:29 Caller I don't know.

23:30 Drew Well, Keith.

23:32 Caller I've had people tell me that I might be.

23:33 Drew Keith, the idea here is so they can help you feel better. They're not gonna put you on a medication that makes you feel bad. Do you understand that?

23:41 Caller Yeah, I mean, with the Prozac though, I was...

23:43 Drew So they won't use Prozac. Stop thinking about the Prozac.

23:46 Adam Yeah, you are pretty fixated on this Prozac.

23:48 Drew Yeah, they'll use something else, okay? But you need some medication and you need some supervision. Hey, Keith, 20% of people with this kind of depression die.

23:58 Adam Where's West Milton?

24:00 Caller Um, Ohio.

24:01 Adam Oh, okay.

24:02 Caller Um, east of Denton, west of Denton.

24:05 Adam You know, it was funny. All right, hold on a second there, Keith. We started saying, hey, right where the people are calling from on the screen, we've never done this before, but just out of curiosity, we can find out where people are calling the show from around the country. Uh, Sarah, West Milton. Where did I grow up? In Ohio? Where the F is West Milton? You know? Who the hell knows what that is? All right. What's wrong with Keith?

24:30 Drew Nice.

24:30 Adam All right, he's all right, though, right? Well, no, he's not all right, but he's got to go back.

24:34 Drew He's got to.

24:35 Adam And he's got to talk to his psychiatrist and forget about the Prozac, get on something else and get adjusted. All right, let's talk to... Did you know where West Milton was?

24:45 Drew No.

24:46 Adam Let's talk to Claudio, who's 15. Claudio?

24:49 Caller Yes, hi.

24:50 Adam What's up?

24:51 Caller Nothing much. Adam and Drew, I'd like to say this sounds very redundant and it doesn't sound like there's any meaning to this anymore, but you guys are doing a great job and stuff like that.

25:00 Adam Well, thank you there, Claudio, and thanks for couching it that way.

25:04 Caller Couching, yeah, well, it sounds like there's no meaning to it because everyone says it, but I really do believe that there's some little line of people that, you know, take some help from you guys.

25:12 Adam Well, we choose not to think that way, but okay.

25:15 Caller I guess, yeah.

25:16 Adam Is this Claudio the boy?

25:19 Caller Yes, Claudio the boy.

25:20 Adam I see, yes.

25:21 Caller The man, boy, yes. This one's for UCV.

25:27 Caller Wake up, Ian. Wake up, wake up.

25:28 Guest UCV., that's...

25:29 Caller Wake up.

25:30 Caller Yes, that's you guys. I was wondering if I could see you guys anywhere else besides live performance. I think your show got canceled or something.

25:39 Adam We left. Yeah.

25:41 Caller Oh, you got left.

25:42 Caller Artistic, we had artistic differences.

25:44 Adam That's right.

25:45 Guest They were too tall for their cameras.

25:47 Adam Comedy Central wanted them to be funny and Upright Citizens gave refuse. They walked out. There's a huge...

25:53 Caller Their checks stopped coming in, so we walked.

25:56 Adam You can... You're calling for my Granada Hills? Yes. Hey, you can come out and see them at the ImprovOlympic. Olympics, eh? Yeah. I can give you... I'll tell you where it is on Santa Monica Boulevard.

26:09 Guest We also have a website where we actually have video stuff and prank stuff like we did in our show, uprightcitizens.org.

26:16 Caller uprightcitizens.org?

26:18 Guest Yep.

26:18 Adam And if you go on to uprightcitizens.org, you can find out showtimes and locations and all that stuff.

26:26 Caller That's pretty good and stuff. I think they're funny.

26:28 Guest And erotic poetry.

26:29 Caller That bus lady with the big ass and stuff.

26:32 Guest Mrs. B. Also, if you can ever locate the satellite that we launched, that has over 32 hours of never viewed material. But we have no idea where it's orbiting right now.

26:43 Caller Satellite.

26:44 Adam Yeah.

26:45 Guest Yeah, we launched a satellite, second season with 32 hours of material.

26:49 All right, Claudio.

26:51 Adam All right. So you come down and see them, right?

26:53 Caller In Santa Monica?

26:54 Adam Well, it's on Santa Monica. It's in Hollywood.

26:58 Guest Hollywood? OK, what are our website? It's listed on the website.

27:02 Adam Claudia, what day is it good for you? The guys can come by the house. Is that cool? Pull you out of the second period. Do a little a little show for you by your locker. Locker. What do you need, Claudia? Show.

27:14 Caller Show.

27:15 Caller Yeah, show.

27:17 Adam Locker. That's right.

27:20 Caller Yeah, OK.

27:21 Adam Hey, Claudia.

27:22 Caller Yeah.

27:22 Adam How's that pirate you're standing on? Is he holding you up OK?

27:26 Caller Pirate. Yeah, OK, buddy.

27:31 Caller He's got a callback.

27:32 Caller He's got a callback.

27:33 Caller You got a callback.

27:35 Caller Callback.

27:37 Adam You can callback. Oh, he must be great, like at the drive through with the jack and the box. Large fries and a jumbo jack. Large fries and a jumbo jack. Large fries and a jumbo jack.

27:48 Caller Large fries and a jumbo jack.

27:50 Adam $3.99. $3.99. $3.99. Any for you want a apple pie with that apple pie? Apple pie?

27:59 Drew The bad part is keep ordering. Oh, yeah. We like a fries that sir.

28:02 Caller Fries.

28:04 Drew OK, that'll be.

28:05 Adam All right. Yeah, let's see. Howdy howdy howdy ho. Claudia, we're going to break. Break, eh?

28:32 Caller You're listening to Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio, 100.7 The Bugs.

28:44 Adam Yep, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. The Upright Citizens Brigade is our guest tonight. Matt, Ian, and Matt are all here. And you can find them over the Improv Olympic, which is in West, it's 64, 68 Santa Monica Boulevard. They'll be doing shows on Wednesdays and Thursday nights. They also have a theater back in New York. And if you want to find out more about where you can find these guys, you can log on to their website at uprightcitizens.org Yes. And like I said, improvisational comedy is something a lot of people haven't been exposed to, and you should go check it out. Jonathan?

29:33 Caller Yeah.

29:34 Adam You're 14, what's up?

29:35 Caller Cool, man. Adam, I just want to say you're the coolest.

29:38 Adam Oh, thanks.

29:39 Caller And Dr. Drew, I would say you're the coolest, too.

29:42 Adam Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's the coolest? Yeah.

29:45 Caller Adam is, because he said Adam was coolest first, right?

29:47 Drew I, I, yes.

29:48 Adam I think so, yeah.

29:49 Caller Don't take, you don't take that, Ben.

29:51 Caller Yeah, I want to talk to the, um, the Pritzens Brigade.

29:54 Adam Here they are.

29:55 Caller Oh, man, you guys are the greatest.

29:57 Caller I love this show.

29:58 Caller Are we the coolest?

29:58 Caller No.

30:00 Guest I bet you already told Monty Python they were the greatest, the kids in the hall, they were the greatest.

30:05 Caller Yeah, but, but you're the coolest, man.

30:07 The coolest and greatest.

30:08 Caller The coolest of ever. I just want to say, um, do you know any good buyers of Supercool?

30:14 Guest Well, for the uninitiated, Supercool is a drug that's, uh, it's found in a lot of soft drinks, it's found in all major candy, it's found in frosted cereals, um, in its purest form, it's found in, uh, glass cylinders on most diner tables.

30:31 Guest Bush actually, uh, has Supercool in his coffee every morning.

30:34 Guest And the adults will tell you that it's sugar but it's not. Go out there and do it.

30:38 Caller Yeah. I'm tripping on Supercool right now.

30:41 Guest Alright, bro.

30:42 Caller Dose up.

30:43 Adam Hey, uh, Jonathan, you're in, uh, you're calling from LA?

30:46 Caller Yeah.

30:47 Adam So, uh, log on to their website and come out and, uh, see them in person.

30:50 Guest Yeah.

30:51 Caller I was wondering also, um, I wanted to buy one of those jackets that you have on the, on the show and I can't find one anywhere so I was thinking...

30:58 Guest It's on the website.

30:59 Caller Oh, they have, you found that?

31:00 Caller It's hidden on the website.

31:02 Caller Oh, sweet.

31:03 Adam All right.

31:03 Drew Bye, Jonathan.

31:04 Adam All right.

31:04 Caller See ya.

31:05 Adam Take care of that. You know, it's always funny, this, uh, this happens to us a lot on the show, no matter who the guest is, whether it's a band, a celebrity or something. They'll call in and they'll go, Oh my God, I'm the biggest fan of Blink 182. I love you guys. I have every Blink 182 record. Uh, where are you guys playing? They're like, uh, we're playing about a block away from your house. Oh, really?

31:27 Caller You're not gonna go?

31:28 Adam This Friday. You want a ticket? Uh, jeez, down the street? That's like, don't, is that sort of a normal reaction? This guy's a huge, huge Upright Citizens Brigade fan. He's calling from LA. I tell him to come on out and see him. He's probably, you know, three miles away from the theater and, yeah, live.

31:50 Caller Oh, I'm gonna have the jacket.

31:51 Adam Yeah.

31:52 Caller I'd rather watch them on TV.

31:53 Adam Is the jacket gonna be there? Megan?

31:57 Yeah.

31:58 Caller You're 17.

31:59 Guest Hi. I just wanted you guys to know that I really love your show. I listen to it every night.

32:04 Thanks.

32:05 Guest Yeah. All right. I have a boyfriend. We've been together for about a year and a half. And he went away to school this year. And before he left me and a really good friend of mine and him had a threesome. You know, kind of a going away present.

32:22 Adam Sure.

32:23 Guest And.

32:24 Adam That's a good. Yeah. I'm leaving. I'm going to junior college for a couple of days. I know that means you go back to college, go back to LA. Valley College.

32:34 Caller I'm going back to New York. Yeah.

32:36 Adam Yeah. Everyone's going somewhere. So now this friend of yours is a female friend. And how old is she?

32:43 Guest She's also 17.

32:45 Adam Son of a bitch. And yeah. And what did you guys do?

32:49 Guest What's the problem?

32:50 Adam Did you do everything?

32:52 Guest Yeah. We did everything. I guess you could say.

32:54 Adam Did he get to have sex with her?

32:58 Drew Yeah.

32:59 Adam He did?

32:59 Guest Yeah.

33:00 Adam So you just watched while he did that?

33:01 Drew She's been trying to press push out of her memory.

33:05 Adam Are you trying to push that out?

33:06 Drew Painful image back to her.

33:08 Guest No. No, that's not at all. I didn't mind that at all.

33:12 Adam All right. Did you surprise him or did he know this was coming?

33:15 Guest No. I totally surprised him.

33:18 Adam I'll tell you.

33:18 Guest He like set up this whole scene.

33:20 Caller Did you yell surprise when it was starting?

33:22 Adam Yeah.

33:23 Caller Yeah, I did actually.

33:25 Adam Oh, my God. If I knew this was coming.

33:30 Caller Surprise party, the movie.

33:33 Adam I would have like scrubbed with a Brillo. I would have scrubbed my nuts with a Brillo pad that night. I mean, there wouldn't have been enough preparation for me. I would have been like shadow boxing in front of a full length mirror nude. You want some? Yeah. You got it. You want trouble? You found him. All right. So he came over there. You surprised him. Did you guys go to town on each other?

33:54 Guest Oh, at first.

33:55 Yeah, we did.

33:56 Guest That's the first thing that we did.

33:57 Guest And then is that the first time for you to your friend?

34:01 Guest And you know, that's my problem.

34:04 Guest Oh, I got it.

34:05 Adam You're into the friend?

34:08 Guest Yeah, like ever since then, we've been getting together quite often, like probably I'd say like twice a month.

34:17 Adam I see.

34:18 Guest And...

34:18 Drew Are you still with the boyfriend?

34:20 Guest Yeah, we've been together for a year and a half.

34:22 Drew Don't you think it's time to end that, the boyfriend?

34:24 Guest No, I just don't know how to tell him.

34:27 Drew Why tell him? Why don't just end that relationship? You've got some of the stuff going on and that's that. What are you going to say? Honey, why does she have to tell him?

34:39 Adam Hey, remember that chick I was eating out? Yeah.

34:42 Drew I like her.

34:43 Adam It turns out that wasn't just porn acting, honey. I was into that.

34:48 Guest When he comes home, surprising by bringing in a third woman.

34:52 Adam Yeah, a four way.

34:54 Guest You know, there's a lot of people giving these sort of gifts now. And the Upright Citizens Brigade actually has a sort of FTD service where you can just call us up.

35:02 Adam Right.

35:03 Guest And if you have a last minute thing, you can either order on the internet or over the phone, and we'll go and have the threesome with the person. If you're not, you know, if you don't live close by and you want to send your love long distances, I'm gonna let people.

35:14 Adam I heard Merlin Olson talking about that on a spot. I wasn't, I was unclear at the time what it was.

35:19 Caller We got Merlin Olson behind us.

35:21 Adam Hey, Megan. So you're, you may be lesbian now, right?

35:24 Guest Well, I don't, I don't think I'm a lesbian.

35:26 Adam And hold on, this going away gift, this was more of a coming out gift for you, right?

35:32 Guest Yeah, it really was. But see, I'm not, I don't think I'm a lesbian. I just think.

35:37 Drew We just think you're confused, Megan. You've got a lot of stuff going on here. You've got threesomes, you've got bisexuality, you don't know what the point is.

35:44 Adam Is your boyfriend was having sex with your friend and you didn't care that much. You're probably more jealous of her than you were of him.

35:51 Drew And the point is, this is not a friend, this is not an intimacy, this is not a relationship there with the boyfriend. It's time for you to maybe spend some time out of a relationship. No.

36:01 Adam Yeah, that's never going to happen. Hey Megan, break up with the boyfriend and then take it from there. How far off did he go to college?

36:11 Guest I'm in Utah and he's in California.

36:13 Adam Where is he going out here?

36:15 Guest He's at Cal Yale, I think. I don't know.

36:19 Adam Cal Yale?

36:20 Drew Cal U.

36:21 Adam Cal U?

36:21 Guest You don't know.

36:22 Caller You don't know what college you're going to.

36:24 Adam Cal U is the college from Beverly Hills 90210.

36:27 Drew Those are the Beverly Hill buildings.

36:29 Caller I think that's from the Archies.

36:30 Guest Is that what it is? I don't know what college he's going to, actually.

36:33 Adam Okay, you guys are pretty close now, right?

36:36 Caller I have to tell you, he's still in Utah, I can't lie to you.

36:38 Adam Yeah, he's announcing to his other girlfriend that he's going off to college.

36:42 Drew Megan, Megan, where did you learn that?

36:45 Adam Alright, forget it.

36:47 Drew Megan's a mess.

36:48 Adam I know, but how can you talk to someone who has this long term relationship with a man who's going off to college and has no idea what college he's going off to?

36:57 Caller I mean... I can tell you.

36:59 Adam Hey Megan, are you okay? Are you depressed?

37:03 Guest No, I'm not depressed, I'm just like confused.

37:06 Drew Yeah, no kidding.

37:07 Adam But if you're confused, pull over. You know, don't speed up. You know what I mean? Like if you're driving down the road and you don't know the terrain and you're coming to a fork and you can't read the map, pull over. And just take a, take a, take a breath, all right?

37:21 Drew All right, really?

37:22 Adam And break up with this guy who's over at Cal U.

37:24 Drew It's not, and I just would love to know why she can't have a real relationship.

37:28 Adam Yeah.

37:29 Drew But we're not going to get into that.

37:30 Guest Cal U's basketball team's doing pretty good this year.

37:32 Adam Yeah, they're called.

37:33 Guest They got their asses kicked by the University of College.

37:36 Caller Yeah, U of C is great.

37:38 Drew What's the matter with you?

37:39 Adam Cal U's team is called The Them.

37:43 Caller Their mascot is State the Bird, Staty State the Bird.

37:48 Adam Hey, Adam?

37:50 Caller Yeah.

37:50 Adam You're 18?

37:52 Caller Yeah. First, I'd just like to say that I love your show, Adam. You're hilarious. And Drew, you're a very passionate man.

37:57 Adam Oh, he's passionate. He's very, very passionate. If you've ever traveled with him, you'd know he's passionate firsthand.

38:03 Caller Oh, I bet. Very passionate. Very passionate. Upright Citizens Brigade, I love you guys. I love Pro Thunderball and especially little Donnie and all the other funny stuff.

38:13 Guest I want to know if we're hysterical or passionate.

38:16 Caller Well, I'm sure you're both.

38:17 Caller I'm just wondering where you get your material. I also had a question for Drew. My problem is, well, I don't know if it's really a problem, I have a very upright penis. When I get an erection, it points straight up. To use Adam's analogy, my thigh is like six o'clock and my stomach is like 12 o'clock and my penis points up at like 11 o'clock. I was just wondering if that makes me more susceptible to getting a penile fracture and if so, what should I do if that ever happens?

38:45 Adam Well, first off, you're better shaped than I am because if your belly is at 12 and your thigh is six, my penis is at nine, which is really a horrible, horrible sight. Yeah, by eight thirty, nine.

38:58 Caller Well, I was just wondering because if I was ever on my back and the girl was doing her thing or whatever and she leaned back, something bad.

39:04 Drew No, Adam, Adam, you can fracture just like anyone can, but that's a function of the cavernous bodies within the penis. What you've got is there's a ligament there that holds it up and your ligament is sort of doing extra time, doing overtime and that can tear.

39:23 Caller Well, I'm in good shape.

39:24 Drew But that ligament may tear and that's no big deal if it does. You just will hang down a little.

39:29 Caller Is it painful and should I go to the emergency room?

39:31 Drew No, no, no, no, no, not unless it swells or you've seen discoloration or something. That happens in the activities you're talking about and instead of 12 o'clock you'll be at about 10, 15.

39:41 Adam Hey, hey, Adam, have you had sex?

39:44 Caller No, I haven't and that's kind of a long story wide, but.

39:47 Adam Right, but the direction your penis is heading is fine. You know, if she's on top or?

39:53 Caller Yeah, I've just heard, you know, before about guys who have really upright penises and then when the girl's on top of them riding them, whatever you want to call it.

40:00 Guest Once you have sex once it goes back down.

40:03 Drew Yeah, no, no, then you'll rip the tendon.

40:06 Adam Hey, Adam, Adam, be honest. Have you ever launched anything from your penis while it was erect? No, I'm saying you bend it down.

40:16 Caller Just like a catapult.

40:18 Adam Put a bottle cap on the end of it and launch it.

40:20 Caller I've hung the towel off it just to see if I could lift it up and down.

40:23 Guest I guess.

40:24 Adam All right.

40:25 Caller In the case I also want to ask, how come Anderson's not playing any of the drops anymore? I haven't heard any of that.

40:30 Adam He got yelled at by our program director and not to play.

40:33 Caller Oh, really?

40:34 Adam Yeah.

40:34 Caller I don't think I think you need to lose that program director because he tells you to stop with the stories and Anderson stop the drops. You know, he's ruining the show.

40:41 Adam Yeah, he's sucking all the funny out of the show.

40:43 Caller Yeah, I know. Man show is the best, man. Thank you.

40:46 Adam Thank you very much. And to answer your question about Upright Citizens Brigade, Monty Python. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

40:53 Caller OK, thanks.

40:55 Caller All right.

40:57 Caller Let's see.

40:58 Adam We got another Upright Citizens Brigade question. Wait, you guys are popular. Hey, we got to get Debbi Liebling on the phone. Let's do it. I'm going in Monday.

41:10 Caller I'll give her a tape.

41:13 Adam The pouring of outpouring of sympathy was amazing, Debbi. Listen, come on, take another look. Matt? Yeah. You're 17. What's up?

41:20 Caller Not much.

41:22 Guest Adam, first of all, say I want you to be my mentor.

41:25 Adam All right. And done and done.

41:28 Guest Done.

41:30 Adam Give me some coke.

41:32 Yes.

41:34 Guest I just want to know how you guys got an improv.

41:36 Caller Really?

41:38 Guest There's nothing else we could do.

41:42 Caller We came out of Chicago. There's a bunch of places. There's one place called Improv Olympic in Chicago, and there was a guy named Del Close who trained all the greats like Belushi and Bill Murray and those folk. He's been around the scene for a while.

41:53 Adam Was Del with Second City?

41:55 Guest Del was with Second City in the early days.

41:57 Caller The committee which predates Second City.

41:59 Adam Right. And then he broke off and started his own thing.

42:03 Guest Well, the theory was that Improv was just for process, for making, for the writing. It couldn't be done itself as a form of entertainment. He was one of the first guys to go, no, yeah, it can be entertainment. He broke off from Second City and created the Improv Olympic.

42:19 Guest You can do all that studying stuff, but a lot of us just get the vision of the White Coyote. And he talks to you in Spanish and he says that...

42:27 Caller Don't fear the White Coyote.

42:28 Guest Yeah, the White, if the White Coyote comes to you and tells you that you're meant to do Improv, don't fight it because you'll just end up unhappy, you know, alcoholic. You've got to start, you go out in the desert, you fast for about 18 days, you come back and you'll be like the equivalent of a ninth-degree black belt.

42:45 Drew No peyote.

42:47 Guest Peyote.

42:48 Drew Whoa, whoa, whoa.

42:49 Caller All right, get them off.

42:50 Drew Whoa.

42:51 Caller My mic's dead. They just killed our mic.

42:53 Guest Heck, oh, gee, yeah, you got a peyote.

42:56 Adam All right.

42:57 Caller The program director just came in and cut our cable.

42:59 Adam Just blurted the F word right into the mic. He never got closer to the mic and told you the F word.

43:05 Caller You're a poor nine-month-old baby.

43:07 Adam All right, we will take ourselves a little bit of a break. When we come back, who are we going to talk to, Drew? Do you have somebody over there? We'll talk to Lisa. She's petrified of being alone and has to travel for a job and is afraid of attacks. What the hell is that?

43:27 Caller She's not a teenager. She's like one other.

43:29 Adam Listen, we're going to find a better question. Hey, Sarah, get us some real meat and potatoes. Nuts caught in the blender, that kind of stuff.

43:36 Caller We'll be back after that.

44:10 Adam Hey, Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla, that is Dr. Drew with air phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. We have the Upright Citizens Brigade here, Matt, Ian, and Matt, and a lot of fans of the Upright Citizens Brigade calling in tonight. We normally have guests on this show, and we usually get a call or two for them. But so far, we've had quite a few for Upright Citizens Brigade, which is a good thing. And if you're interested in finding out where they're going to be performing live next or how to get one of those jackets, you can log on to uprightscitizens.org and get all the information you need. Lisa?

44:52 Yes.

44:52 Adam You're 22.

44:53 Caller Yes, I am.

44:55 Guest And I'm not petrified of being alone. And the problem I have is I'm afraid of being attacked.

45:03 Caller Right.

45:03 Drew Who isn't?

45:04 Guest Well, I guess nobody. I don't know.

45:08 Adam Well, some of us are, it's in the back of our minds, but it's not in the front and we're not...

45:14 Guest Oh, it's always in my mind...

45:15 Adam .prevent us from doing things.

45:16 Guest I find myself looking over my shoulder all the time.

45:18 Adam Were you ever attacked?

45:19 Guest Yeah. Well...

45:21 Adam Well, there you go.

45:22 Guest Right.

45:24 Caller A long time ago.

45:25 Adam Who attacked you?

45:28 Guest Well, I was in a bad relationship back in high school. Yeah. And when that was over, he stalked me for a while. He never attacked me after that relationship, but I guess...

45:45 Adam What about the part where you were attacked, though?

45:48 Guest Well, okay. In that relationship, he beat me and raped me.

45:52 Adam I see. And that's not normal for your culture? No.

45:57 Guest No.

45:57 Adam And did we ever abuse before this?

46:03 Guest Yeah.

46:04 Caller Yeah.

46:05 Adam What happened?

46:07 Guest I don't know completely, but I have nightmares.

46:10 Adam You think your dad molested you? No, no.

46:12 Guest It wasn't my dad. I was raised by like a nanny.

46:17 Drew Oh, where were your parents?

46:19 Guest Oh, they worked. I mean, they were in my life, you know, after working hours, but, you know, from morning till five when I was younger, you know.

46:28 Adam Yeah. Well, do you think anyone abused you?

46:30 Guest Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

46:31 Adam Who do you think abused you?

46:34 Guest I don't know names. I don't know.

46:37 Caller I've never.

46:38 Adam I know. But like, was it your nanny?

46:42 Guest My nanny was a woman, but my flashbacks are of a man. And so I think it was it was maybe a male that was in that household or something.

46:52 Adam So you don't you push. You can't think of it as an uncle or a gardener. You don't have any kind of recollection about that.

47:02 Guest Oh, OK. It wasn't a nanny within my household. I would go to another house.

47:08 Adam I see. So someone, someone, some guy over there.

47:10 Guest Right, right.

47:11 Adam So you think you were maybe sexually abused?

47:13 Guest Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

47:15 Adam All right. And your dad, what kind of guy was he?

47:18 Guest Oh, he's awesome. He's a good guy.

47:20 Adam I see. All right. And you then hooked up with the world's worst boyfriend.

47:25 Guest Yeah.

47:26 Adam He raped and abused you.

47:27 Guest Right.

47:28 Adam And how long did you stay with him?

47:31 Guest Actually, I was scared to get away from him, but I went away to college.

47:36 Adam How long did you stay with him?

47:39 Guest About two and a half years.

47:41 Adam That's a long time to stay with an abusive rapist.

47:44 Guest Right.

47:46 Drew All right.

47:46 Adam So what's not adding up here, Drew? There's pieces missing.

47:49 Drew No, not really. Her perceptions are what are off.

47:52 Adam But what about if your dad's the world's greatest guy, do you hook up with an abusive rapist and stay with him for two and a half years?

47:59 Drew If you were sexually abused, your mom's a pain in the ass, yeah.

48:01 Adam Is your mom a pain in the ass?

48:03 Guest She can be.

48:04 Adam All right. Well, now it's coming together a little bit.

48:06 Drew And the other thing is, are you doing any speed or cocaine, anything like that?

48:09 Guest Oh, no.

48:09 Drew No.

48:10 Adam All right, how about you get a little therapy?

48:13 Guest Actually, I have gone to a psychologist, psychiatrist, and I had one session with her and it was an hour long session. At the end of the session, she basically told me she couldn't provide any service for me. I was the most put together person she's ever talked to.

48:31 Drew Not true. That is not what she told you.

48:34 Guest I swear.

48:35 Drew That is not what she told you. That's your perception.

48:38 Adam Oh, Jesus Christ. I was at the therapist today. I'll tell you, I tell them every time. I put 100 right down on the table. I go, listen, here's the card. Just read it to me and that's what it says on it. And walk with the 100, buddy. It's up to you. Are you kidding? Lisa, you're a mess. Please, you're staving the abusive rapist for over two years. You can't leave the house. There's no therapist. By the way, therapists don't do that.

49:05 Drew They don't do that. Especially after one session.

49:07 Adam You know what, therapists are like brake mechanics. There's not a car in the rack. There's not a car that doesn't need a set of pads. It doesn't exist. You could drive right from the lot of the dealer across the street to the brake center. And if he put it up on the rack, he'd say, well, you'll make it home, but I can't guarantee anything after that. You should change those and turn those rotors. Why don't we get the rotors off and repack the bearings?

49:32 Guest Let's take a look at that mother.

49:34 Adam All right. So Lisa, you're delusional. You got to be high. She did not say that.

49:40 Guest Well, I was a campus therapist.

49:43 Adam Well, she just, she...

49:44 Caller Are you sure it wasn't the nurse or maybe the guidance counselor?

49:48 Guest Supposedly she was, you know, legit, but...

49:51 Guest The driver of the campus bus.

49:53 Caller Football coach. Was it the football coach?

49:55 Adam Here's the reality. She... Where was it? At California U?

49:59 Guest No, this is in Texas.

50:00 Adam All right. Texas U?

50:02 Guest No.

50:03 Adam Okay. Listen, she was just scared. Didn't think she could handle you. Didn't want to see you again. She said, I'm in over my head here. Go to a therapist and talk about these problems and these situations and maybe a psychiatrist because of agoraphobia, all right?

50:20 Guest Agoraphobia.

50:22 Adam The part about you not wanting to leave the house, looking over your shoulder.

50:26 Guest You know, as far as that, them telling you you're the most put together person they've ever met, the reason I know it's not possible is because I so happen to be the most put together person myself, so two things cannot occupy the same space.

50:39 Adam Ian actually showed me a note he keeps laminated in his wallet from his therapist. Right. And it does say the most, actually, it does say East Coast though.

50:48 Guest It's stamped. They actually, they actually try to, everyone else's therapy is trying to approximate my perfectly Ford personality.

50:57 Caller Right.

50:57 Adam And use you as sort of a template.

50:59 Caller Right.

51:00 Adam Well, they have to have a high water mark. I think that's Ian. All right. Let's talk to Chris. Chris is 15.

51:10 Caller Hi.

51:10 Adam What's up, Chris?

51:12 Caller Well, my mom is a lesbian. I've known her for quite a while. She has been, but she's taken up with a new girlfriend. And now she wants to have a baby with artificial insemination.

51:24 Adam I see. And she wants your sperm. You didn't catch her going through your hamper, looking for a gym sock.

51:32 Drew What's the deal? What's your question Chris?

51:35 Caller Shower time, shower time.

51:37 Caller You masturbate with shower time?

51:38 Guest We just got a window into your masturbation. Right.

51:41 Adam The name of this new book is That Ain't Grout. Alright Chris, what's up?

51:49 Caller Well, I mean it bothers me. Because I mean my mom's not a stable person. And she does have another kid. I mean, I've got to... Alright.

51:58 Drew Could you talk to her? Could you tell her that?

52:00 Caller I talked to her and she won't listen.

52:02 Drew Can you tell the partner?

52:04 Caller Um, no, not yet. I'm kind of embarrassed to.

52:06 Adam Hey Chris.

52:07 Caller Yeah?

52:08 Adam Here's the deal. You're 15. By the time she gets this whole thing worked out, you'll be heading off to college somewhere. And I just lay low.

52:20 Caller Yeah.

52:20 Adam I mean, you know what I mean? You gotta talk crazy mom out of this. Why stir the waters?

52:27 Drew I'm sorry you have to put up with this. And you put up with it for a long time. But Adam's position I think is accurate. You've got the resources.

52:34 My grandparents at times and yeah.

52:36 Drew Get away to school. Establish a life somewhere. Get going.

52:39 Caller Yeah. I want to go to the Humboldt University.

52:40 Adam Yeah.

52:41 Caller Well, good times.

52:42 Adam You can major in bong whittling.

52:45 Caller It's actual.

52:46 Adam Yeah, you can major in that. Yeah. All right, Chris.

52:49 Caller Okay.

52:50 Adam Good time. Sorry about crazy.

52:52 Caller Thanks a lot.

52:53 Adam All right.

52:53 Caller Bye.

52:53 Adam All right. Upright Citizens Brigade is here. We're going to take ourselves a little break and we'll be back after this.

53:01 Caller Loveline will be right back.

53:02 Caller So get your problems ready. Ready.

53:20 Caller You're listening to Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7, The Buzz. Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7, The Buzz.

53:47 Adam Yeah, Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number, 1-800-LLVE-191. Matt, Ian, and Matt again are both here from the Upright Citizens Brigade. If you want to check out some of their live performances or check them out in New York or LA or find out things about the group, you can log on to, Matt, uprightcitizens.org.

54:15 Caller Or you can just do a word.

54:16 Guest This is really all I do for the group is say uprightcitizens.org.

54:20 Caller Go to MetaCrawler and just type in good times.

54:23 Adam Really? No. Good, because that's my saying, good times.

54:27 Caller Free, free weed.

54:29 Guest We'll actually take you there.

54:32 Adam Hey, Ron.

54:33 Guest Yes, Adam.

54:33 Adam Year 25. What's up?

54:35 Guest Yes, sir. I've got quite a dilemma here. Actually, I must apologize. I lied about my question there.

54:42 Guest I can tell.

54:43 Guest First of all, I want to say, Adam Manchel, that's got to be the best head power TV I've ever seen.

54:47 Drew Hey, Ron, what's your dilemma?

54:48 Adam Well, thank you, Ron.

54:51 Guest Well, what I wanted to say was kind of a message to your program director or whatever. I think that cutting Anderson out is kind of like having spaghetti without the sauce. I think he's as big as much of the program as you guys are. Don't take offense to that.

55:05 Drew Ronny, are you an engineer, radio engineer?

55:08 Guest No, sir, I'm not.

55:09 Drew Okay.

55:10 Adam All right. What do you do, Ron?

55:11 Guest It's Andy's. Oh, forgive me, Adam. I'm a truck driver.

55:15 Adam Truck drivers should have a form, too, but it should be the bathroom at a rest stop, not the radio.

55:23 Caller I don't know if you should forgive him for being a truck driver.

55:27 Guest I'm home every night, though, so I'm kind of like, you know, almost.

55:30 Adam You don't do the long haul stuff.

55:32 Guest No, sir, I don't.

55:33 Adam You know what I'm interested in, though, Ron, whenever I stop at that Tasty Freeze that's halfway between here and Vegas and check out all the trucker paraphernalia, all the things that can run off a cigarette lighter. There's something called the sandwich maker. They have like a little Cuisinart. They have smokeless ashtrays. There's hundreds and hundreds of things now that run off of the cigarette lighter. I'm always jealous that I don't drive a truck.

56:03 Guest I just had a bad situation where I needed one of these pumps to pump up an air mattress. I got it at home.

56:08 Drew Yeah, air mattress. Got that out of me. Yeah, sure.

56:09 Guest Right. All it had was the cigarette adapter. I needed to go to sleep, so I'm outside and the thing winds like, So I'm out there in this really nice neighborhood in the Beverly Hills with my car door open and this thing stuck in the cigarette lighter and this massive hairdryer sort of thing going.

56:30 Adam It's one of those little mini compressors that if you get a flat on the side of the road, will fill your tire and now less than five hours, they claim.

56:37 Caller Ian, was that a vibrator plugged into the car? Be honest.

56:40 Guest Pocket vagina.

56:43 Caller Yes, it was a pocket vagina.

56:45 Adam I'm always most intrigued by the thing called the sandwich maker. I'm not sure if there's a small Asian fellow in the box or how it works exactly, but I always question the guy behind the counter about that and he never knows what I'm talking about.

56:59 Drew Kelly.

57:02 Adam Kelly.

57:03 Caller Hello.

57:04 Adam BS. BS already, huh?

57:08 Caller Hello.

57:08 Adam Kelly.

57:10 Caller Hey.

57:11 Adam We're going to hang up on you because you're being coached by your male counterparts.

57:14 Caller Oh, sorry. That was my brother. I was just busy doing something really quickly.

57:18 Adam Okay. What do you got going on there in the background?

57:21 Caller Um, nothing. It was the TV. I'm sorry.

57:26 Adam Could you turn that down, please?

57:27 Caller Yeah. Sorry.

57:28 Caller All right. Okay.

57:30 Caller Anyways.

57:31 Guest And you're grounded.

57:32 Caller And what's your order? What's your order?

57:35 Adam What's up?

57:36 Caller Okay. My problem is that my German teacher, he always hit on me like every time I go to class.

57:41 Adam Uh-huh.

57:42 Caller And I don't know what to do about it because...

57:44 Drew What exactly does he do?

57:46 Caller He just likes to remark about my tests and my butt sometimes.

57:50 Drew Have you reported to any of the other teachers?

57:53 Caller Say gay vague. That means get away.

57:55 Guest Kelly?

57:56 Drew Yeah. Have you talked to any other teachers about this?

57:59 Caller No, because he threatened to lower my grade if I told anybody.

58:04 Adam I see.

58:04 Caller Because I told him I was uncomfortable with his mark.

58:07 Drew How would that make sense?

58:10 Adam That he wouldn't do that, because if he lowered your grade then you would really blow the whistle and he would really be screwed.

58:17 Caller I know, but nobody in there gets a really good grade except for the vice principal's daughter because he is really tough.

58:23 Adam I see.

58:24 Caller So I don't think anyone would really notice.

58:26 Adam Alright, so he comments on your body, right?

58:30 Caller Correct.

58:30 Adam And what else does he do?

58:32 Caller That's pretty much it. He just makes remarks.

58:34 Drew Like what? Give us an example.

58:36 Guest Alright, tall.

58:38 Caller Well, he'll tell me that like my test looks really good today because I was wearing like a tight sweatshirt or whatnot.

58:45 Drew That's not hitting on you. That's just being inappropriate, right?

58:48 Caller Yeah.

58:49 Drew Okay. So he's inappropriate. It makes you uncomfortable. It's degrading.

58:52 Caller Exactly.

58:53 Drew And I think you're well within your right to speak up about that. But how is it that it came up that he would lower your grade if you told anyone that?

59:03 Caller I just told them that I like, you know.

59:05 Drew By yourself? And there weren't other kids present?

59:09 Caller No.

59:10 Adam Why didn't you do it again? What did you say to him? After class?

59:13 Caller Yeah, because I had to go make up a test.

59:16 Adam All right. And you said to him what?

59:17 Caller And I'm like, I don't think those comments are really appropriate, especially for school and a teacher, you know? And he's like, well, what are you going to do about it? And I'm like, well, I don't know what I can do, but I'm going to tell my at least my parents.

59:32 Drew Did you tell your parents?

59:33 Caller Not yet. OK, well, if you tell anyone, then don't expect to pass this year.

59:37 Drew Well, tell your parents. Well, tell your parents.

59:39 Adam And then also, he clutched his riding crop and said, oh, good.

59:45 Drew And also bring it up in the classroom in front of other kids. Obviously, you have the capacity to search for other kids. Really?

59:52 Adam Well, that sounds risky. He'll put her on the next train to Auschwitz. He pulls a move like that. Why? I don't know. That's kind of weird saying it in front of the other kids.

1:00:03 Drew He says something and then she goes, hey, that's not right.

1:00:06 Caller Well, should she say it loud or call him out next time he does it?

1:00:09 Drew Yeah. Right in front of other kids. And then now you have witnesses.

1:00:12 Caller Like, I don't know what I would say, though.

1:00:14 Drew Like, you just wait a minute. You were able to say it to him alone, right?

1:00:17 Caller Correct.

1:00:18 Drew That's exactly what you say. OK.

1:00:19 Caller Here.

1:00:20 Adam No, here's that's horrible advice. I'll give you some real world advice. Kelly, Drew, first off, what do you know about life in school? You went to the little Lord Fauntleroy School for albino hemophiliacs. Please go to real school. I went to real school. I went to North Hollywood High.

1:00:36 Drew Yeah. But think how much more school I experienced than you.

1:00:39 Adam That's true. I did.

1:00:41 Caller I did nothing.

1:00:43 Adam All right. So listen, Kelly, I bet he doesn't bother you anymore. I bet he doesn't. Has he said anything to you since this run-in?

1:00:52 Caller Not, no.

1:00:53 Adam No. I bet he won't do anything. If he does another thing, then you go right to the counselor and the teacher.

1:01:00 Drew And apparently I would tell your parents in the meantime, too.

1:01:03 Adam If he does anything else, I bet he won't.

1:01:06 Guest I would switch to Spanish.

1:01:07 Drew And put everyone on alert. Why not tell your parents now so if he does do something you have got...

1:01:12 Adam He's not doing anything. He's an idiot. You'll be fine. If he says one more thing, you just don't say anything to him. Just go to the counselor and your parents.

1:01:21 Caller Okay. Can I just say one more thing?

1:01:22 Adam Yeah.

1:01:24 Caller I think you guys are awesome. And I know you hear that every single day. And people even tell you that today. But you guys are really awesome. You're doing everyone a great service.

1:01:31 Adam Thanks, Kelly.

1:01:31 Caller You're welcome.

1:01:32 Adam It's really a compliment night here on Loveline. A lot of love out there. There certainly is. Kasey?

1:01:38 Yeah.

1:01:39 Adam You're 18?

1:01:39 Caller Yeah.

1:01:40 Adam What's up?

1:01:41 Caller I actually have two questions, but I only told her one. Hurry. First question is, if I've been dating girls since I was like 13, so about five years now. And I haven't been in a relationship that's longer than a month.

1:01:54 Drew Do you leave these girls?

1:01:56 Caller Not usually. Usually it's them leaving me. But lately it's been me leaving them because I listen to your show a lot lately. And you've been telling me, you've been telling a lot of people about, you know, the chaotic situations and certain things. And I've been listening. So I take the advice. All right. All right. Like my friend hooked, one of my ex-girlfriends hooked me up with a girl and she bit my arm so bad that I've had a mark for two weeks now.

1:02:18 Adam I see.

1:02:19 Caller So I stayed away from that girl.

1:02:20 Guest Did you try a crucifix on her?

1:02:22 Caller I don't know. The holy water might work though.

1:02:25 Adam All right. So your ex-girl hooked you up to the girl that bit you.

1:02:29 Caller Yeah, it bit me and left a mark like she drew blood and bruised and everything.

1:02:33 Adam Are you sure it wasn't a possum or a raccoon she hooked you up with? It was an actual girl?

1:02:38 Caller You know, when it kind of looked like a donkey at first.

1:02:41 Caller All right.

1:02:42 Adam All right. Hey, Casey, we're gonna let you bite yourself, all right? All right there, buddy. I really, I didn't know if he was playing along or is this a screwball, but listen, I don't want any dating questions from 18-year-olds. If you're dating and you haven't found Mrs. Wright yet, that's fine. You shouldn't have found her yet. Lucy.

1:03:03 Guest Oh, hi. This is for Dr. Drew. I've been on Accutane for about five months now. And like ever since December 20th, I've been on my period and it just has not stopped.

1:03:16 Drew That's probably the Accutane.

1:03:17 Adam That's no white Christmas.

1:03:19 Drew What's the dose of Accutane you're on?

1:03:21 Guest It's either 40 milligrams a night like every other night and then it's 80.

1:03:25 Drew Oh, pretty good size doses. Aren't you on birth control?

1:03:28 Guest I'm on birth control, yeah.

1:03:29 Drew What pill are you on? Aless.

1:03:32 Adam Do they give you birth control when your young lady takes Accutane automatically?

1:03:36 Guest Yeah, you have to.

1:03:37 Drew Automatically.

1:03:38 Caller How come? Why is that?

1:03:39 Guest Because you get pregnant and your kid can have so many birth control.

1:03:43 Adam You'll give birth to a parking enforcement person, I hear. That's what it says on the package.

1:03:48 Drew Actually, a parking meter.

1:03:49 Adam Oh, actually a meter will come out of your vagina. Excellent. All right. So you don't want to risk another one of them entering the world. So they just give it to you. And even if you're a virgin, even if you're not having sex, I mean, can you talk your doctor out of it? No.

1:04:05 Drew I mean, it's hard.

1:04:05 Adam Really? They're just so worried about being sued?

1:04:07 Drew The liability is so huge.

1:04:08 Caller Any residual effect or once you get off it, then it's fine, the accutane?

1:04:12 Caller Yeah.

1:04:12 Drew No, it should be fine. Oh, you mean the, yeah, for birth effect.

1:04:15 Caller Absolutely fine.

1:04:16 Guest Also, if you're getting Propecia massages, you should be on birth control.

1:04:21 Drew Right.

1:04:21 Caller Good point.

1:04:22 Guest I have like another question too.

1:04:24 Adam Yeah.

1:04:24 Guest I want to tell my parents that I want to go into therapy, but I don't know how they're going to take it because I've been very depressed lately.

1:04:30 Adam Yeah.

1:04:30 Guest I'm not sure if it's the accutane because I heard that can cause...

1:04:33 Drew Oh, yes. Oh man. Accutane can make you depressed as hell. Listen, this, I wouldn't go right into therapy from a mood disturbance related to a medication.

1:04:42 Guest Yeah.

1:04:43 Drew You got to talk to the guy who, you have a dermatologist prescribing the accutane?

1:04:46 Guest Yeah.

1:04:47 Drew You got to talk to that dermatologist immediately.

1:04:49 Guest Okay.

1:04:50 Drew I'm telling, you know, describe how severe it is and that you, you know, you've been contemplating seeing a psychiatrist. I think they might think about stopping it.

1:04:58 Adam All right.

1:04:59 Caller Okay.

1:05:00 Adam Has it been working for you?

1:05:01 Caller Yeah, it's been working very great.

1:05:03 Drew Yeah, it's an amazing medicine.

1:05:05 Adam Gets rid of them zits.

1:05:06 Caller For kids, for kids with cystic acne too, like hardcore acne.

1:05:09 Drew It just takes care of it. It's just over.

1:05:11 Caller Yeah, it's amazing.

1:05:12 Adam Yeah.

1:05:13 Caller It's bad for your liver though, right?

1:05:14 Drew It's bad for a lot of things. Liver is one of the things, yeah.

1:05:17 Guest It got rid of my acne but people still didn't like me.

1:05:21 Adam Didn't do anything for your personality.

1:05:23 Caller Dane?

1:05:24 Caller Yeah.

1:05:25 Adam You're 19. What's up?

1:05:26 Caller Yeah, what's up, man? I was going to say you guys rock. And I got a question for Drew here.

1:05:33 Caller Yeah?

1:05:34 Caller I got this problem, like, I masturbate like three to five times a day sometimes. And I can't really fully finish.

1:05:44 Caller Yeah, slow down.

1:05:45 Caller You can't finish TV on?

1:05:47 Adam Yeah, you can't finish the fifth one or the first one?

1:05:50 Guest The first three.

1:05:53 Adam Listen, if you can't finish it, I'll tell you what I used to do. If I need to do finish, that's having trouble. Ma, stop vacuuming! It worked every time. I could never focus with that.

1:06:03 Caller Get the dog out of here.

1:06:06 Adam No, Dane, seriously, seriously, is it the first one you can't finish?

1:06:11 Caller No, I'm like, I can, I get the good...

1:06:15 Adam With the S word, everybody.

1:06:16 Caller My bad, my bad. But I get the good feeling, but I don't, nothing comes out, really.

1:06:21 Drew No, they need to slow down.

1:06:22 Adam Even on the first one.

1:06:24 Caller Yeah.

1:06:25 Adam What if you left yourself alone for a couple of days?

1:06:28 Drew For a few days, yeah.

1:06:29 Caller Maybe, I haven't tried that.

1:06:31 Drew I know it's a lot, quite a stretch for you. You had to contemplate such a traumatic experience, but I think you might try that. Seventh day of rest.

1:06:39 Guest Can that be it? Just that you've matched pretty so much that no more semen will come out?

1:06:42 Drew Yes, he's three to five times a day.

1:06:44 Adam Yeah, but nothing's coming out on the first one.

1:06:46 Drew It's after days and days of three to five.

1:06:48 Adam I don't know. Really? He's depleted.

1:06:51 Guest Are you going to school or working?

1:06:54 Drew Ian seems to think there's like an endless supply of semen. It just will continue to pour forth.

1:06:59 Adam Yeah. It's, there's a finite amount of semen. Hey, Dane. Yeah. Why don't you leave yourself alone for, give it 24 hours.

1:07:09 Drew If you were just to sit and spit endlessly. Eventually your mouth would dry out.

1:07:12 Caller Ian actually has a pretty, Ian ejaculates like 10 ounces at a time. So Ian may be an exception to this rule.

1:07:18 Drew Really?

1:07:18 Guest Yeah. I always warn any woman that I get together with that there's a chance of drowning during oral sex and that she may need to swim during, you know, if we copulate.

1:07:31 Adam Drew, has anyone ever gotten semen in the lung?

1:07:34 Guest Sure.

1:07:34 Adam Oh, that's bad times. Could you get pneumonia from there?

1:07:38 Caller There's lung babies. There's been lung babies. Haven't there?

1:07:41 Adam Really? Is that documented? Wow.

1:07:43 Caller Yeah, I read about that.

1:07:44 Adam It's amazing.

1:07:46 Drew You have to inhale it. You have to aspirate an ovum first.

1:07:49 Adam Oh, you do? Well, but done and done. And then you give birth through the mouth or through the nose?

1:07:54 Drew And then you aspirate semen later. Yeah.

1:07:57 Caller You have to have a detachable lower jaw to bring it to full.

1:08:00 Guest I'll tell you, that could have happened with the girl with the threesome. She could have sucked in an ovum from the girl and then maybe the guy.

1:08:07 Caller That happens a lot.

1:08:10 Caller There's a lot of lung babies as a result of threesomes.

1:08:14 Adam Wait a minute. I don't know if this is sacrilegious, but couldn't Jesus have been a lung baby? I mean, Mary never did actually have intercourse.

1:08:25 Caller Was she in a three-way? You have to document a three-way.

1:08:28 Caller Yeah.

1:08:28 Adam I'm going to look. I'm going to see if there's any pictures in the Bible. We're going to get to the bottom of this one. Matt?

1:08:35 Caller Yes.

1:08:35 Adam You're 21. What's up? Yeah.

1:08:37 Caller Adam, I just wanted to let you know that I have seen that Antique Road Show you're talking about the other last week.

1:08:43 Adam Oh, thank you very much.

1:08:44 Caller Yeah. No one believed you and I felt bad for you, so I thought I'd let you know.

1:08:48 Adam Thank you. All right. So you saw the Antique Road Show that was parodied on the Man Show with the Antique Porn Show, but you never saw the parody, which is the Antique Porn Show.

1:09:00 Guest No, I didn't see the parody. I missed that one.

1:09:02 Drew I saw the parody.

1:09:03 Adam All right. So if I could just get you two together, you'd really have a big laugh.

1:09:07 Drew Yeah.

1:09:08 Adam All right, Matt. All right. Thank you.

1:09:09 Drew Even without having seen the...

1:09:10 Adam Appreciate that three weeks later, by the way.

1:09:12 Drew Even without having seen the Antique Road Show, I appreciate the Antique Porn Show.

1:09:15 Adam Oh, you did.

1:09:16 Drew See?

1:09:17 Adam Thank you.

1:09:17 Drew We settle down.

1:09:18 Adam Thank you, Lovels. Thank you very much. All right. Here's what I learned from filming the Antique Porn Show at the Man Show. The Antique Road Show is a show that's on PBS, and they set up camp. They come into a town near you. You guys have seen this show? Yeah. Drew has. They set up, and they sit there, and you bring in your old violin or your Civil War musket or whatever it is, and some guy is an expert, tells, you know, and it's kind of fascinating because the people sit down there, and they go, I bought this painting at a yard sale. I want to know if it's worth anything. The guy gives it a full examination, and sometimes it's 20 grand. And we decided to parody it on the Man Show, the antique porn show. But what I learned about that, me being the porn expert, old people can't act. That's the most important thing I learned.

1:10:06 Drew But that was one of the most uncomfortable part of the humor, was watching these poor old actresses with you doing these unbelievably obscene things to them.

1:10:15 Adam I know.

1:10:16 Drew And you're wondering, do they really get what he's doing?

1:10:18 Adam We had this old black woman who was older than Harriet Tubman, and she was standing next to me, and she had an antique penis pump. And she said, I found this in my husband's belongings after he passed away. It was like an old fire stove with a brass tube, studded tube at the end of it. And I said, that's a 15th century antique penis pump. And then the joke was, I said, this is your husband's? And she took a beat and she went, he was Chinese. That was a big joke. I know Comedy Central wouldn't let you guys do that, but we're their darlings. And this woman did 135 takes. And I would say to her, in between, here's the thing about old people, they don't take good direction. I said to her, okay, say he was Chinese in a very matter of fact way. Like when I go, I'm confused. I go, this was your husband's? Yeah, he was Chinese, you know. Just do it in a real matter of fact way. And every take was this way. She'd look at me, her eyes would bug out and she'd go, he was Chinese. And I'd go, listen now, Gertrude, that was great. We're going to do one more for safety. And this one, a real conversational, like I asked you. Like I asked you where you got your purse or your hat. You know, real matter of fact.

1:11:38 Caller All right, I got you. Okay.

1:11:41 Adam This is your husband's?

1:11:43 Caller Yeah. Oh, yeah.

1:11:44 Guest He was Chinese.

1:11:50 Adam Okay, that's funny. That's good. That's an interesting angle.

1:11:53 Guest I wasn't trying.

1:11:54 Adam Let's just try it one more time. Real matter of fact. Oh, better.

1:11:57 Guest You know what?

1:11:58 Adam If I say quickly, just throw it away.

1:12:00 Guest You say yours quick and then I'll say mine.

1:12:01 Adam All right. Just throw it away.

1:12:02 Caller Okay.

1:12:03 Adam This penis pump was your husband's?

1:12:05 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:12:05 Caller He was Chinese. Right.

1:12:09 Caller Okay.

1:12:09 Caller That was good. That's pretty good.

1:12:11 Adam But what we're looking for is just real conversation.

1:12:13 Caller That's what I just did.

1:12:13 Adam Real matter of fact. Like I asked you what you had for breakfast.

1:12:16 Guest I'm starting to think this guy's an idiot.

1:12:17 Adam Like I said, what did you have for breakfast and you said eggs.

1:12:20 Caller Eggs.

1:12:20 Adam Real easy. One more time. This is your husband's?

1:12:23 Caller Yes. He was eggs.

1:12:25 Adam There you go.

1:12:26 Caller Right.

1:12:26 Guest Oh, we got it.

1:12:27 Adam Yeah. But not eggs. Not eggs.

1:12:28 Guest Oh, he was not eggs. He was not eggs.

1:12:31 Adam Watch. Watch me.

1:12:32 Guest I'll do it to my... I'll watch you.

1:12:34 Adam Say, this is your husband's?

1:12:36 Guest This is your husband's?

1:12:37 Adam Yeah. He was Chinese.

1:12:39 Guest You need to watch.

1:12:40 Caller See?

1:12:40 Adam Real matter of fact. Real conversation.

1:12:42 Caller Oh, I see.

1:12:42 Adam Let's just do it one more time.

1:12:43 Guest We have different ideas about matter of fact. Just one more time for safety.

1:12:45 Adam Here we go.

1:12:47 Guest I'm going to copy you is what I'll do.

1:12:48 Adam I'll cue you with this was your husband's. Okay. Real just matter of fact. Like you were talking about nothing.

1:12:54 Guest Matter of fact.

1:12:54 Adam Ready? Here we go.

1:12:56 Caller This is your husband's?

1:12:58 Guest He was Chinese.

1:13:00 Adam That's right. Every single one. Still rolling. Still rolling.

1:13:02 Drew Here's the thing though on that piece though is that Ian is suspecting that she was actually thinking that poor old lady. She was so old, she just didn't hear and she didn't think. It was just she could barely deal with the surroundings, and was trying to orient, and this is just how she managed to hang out of the word, as the word just kept coming out the same way.

1:13:23 Adam Whatever you saw in the final product, there's 129 others exactly the same. But he was Chinese. Same take, 129 times.

1:13:34 Drew You could see that she was like adult, she was like confused.

1:13:37 Adam Yes, she didn't know where she was.

1:13:38 Drew Yeah, she didn't know where she was.

1:13:39 Adam Standing next to some idiot holding a mock penis pump from the 15th century and trying to get her sidecar. All right, we will take ourselves a little break. When we come back, we'll speak to Katie, who's 16, only attracted to much older guys, like 10 years plus.

1:13:56 Guest Hey, I'm 35.

1:13:58 Adam And it helps if they were Chinese. Yeah, it is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla, that'd be Dr. Drew. Matt, Ian, and Matt are all here from the Upright Citizens Brigade. You know what I enjoy, and I'm not making a joke here, I think that improvisational comedians and people who do sketch comedy are amongst the smartest, most well-rounded people I've ever met. Not necessarily a doctor or a lawyer in terms of specializing in one sort of facet of education, but just no more grab bag kind of education.

1:15:01 Caller You're saying we're smarter than Dr. Drew.

1:15:03 Drew Yes, I am.

1:15:03 Caller Because you're one of us, Adam. No, no, I would agree with you.

1:15:06 Adam Thank you.

1:15:07 Drew And I'm excluded, but I will, I'll tell you what went through my head is I looked at these guys up and I said, thoracic surgery or improv.

1:15:16 Drew Like somewhere they just went this way, their friends went that way.

1:15:20 Drew And your peers, guys like you went to thoracic surgery.

1:15:23 Caller Can thoracic surgeons drink?

1:15:25 Drew Yeah.

1:15:25 Caller Really? I should have done that.

1:15:27 Adam Their folks are ecstatic. They went the improv route by the way. But these are a group of people whose it is their business to know something about everything, at least enough to BS their way through a four minute scene and seem to know just like I said, these are the guys you would want to call if you were doing who wants to be a millionaire and you had that one phone call if it was just a sort of like I said, that sort of grab bag topic. All right. Let's hop on the phones and speak to Katie who's 16. Katie.

1:15:57 Guest Hi.

1:15:58 Caller Hey.

1:15:59 Guest Okay. I'm 16 years old and I have these major crushes on guys who are like 10 years older than me or even older than me.

1:16:09 Drew Do you act on them?

1:16:11 Guest Sometimes when I was 13, I dated a guy that was 22.

1:16:14 Drew Dated him.

1:16:17 Adam That's nice.

1:16:18 Guest Don't say my name.

1:16:21 Adam He must have been a wonderful dynamite individual. I'd really like to spend some time in the airport. Just really chatting with that guy. What a lovely, lovely human being. Did he know how old you were?

1:16:33 Guest Yeah, he did.

1:16:35 Adam And that didn't bother him?

1:16:37 Guest I guess not.

1:16:38 Adam Did you have sex with him?

1:16:40 Guest No.

1:16:41 Adam Which worries me even more about him. Do you know what I mean in a bizarre way? That you're just sort of having a 13-year-old or 12-year-old for a companionship at 22?

1:16:51 Guest Yeah, it is kind of sad.

1:16:52 Guest How did you know this guy? How did you meet him?

1:16:55 Guest I work like summers at rodeos.

1:16:59 Caller It's like some rodeo clowns.

1:17:01 Guest Something my mom makes me do every summer. So I was working at a rodeo and he came up and like asked me if I could get him a pop or something.

1:17:08 Guest I think that I can address this. These rodeo clowns are notoriously insecure and they tend to date women that are younger than them.

1:17:18 Adam Yeah.

1:17:18 Caller A lot of their perceptions have been battered because they get so many hits by the bull that they're a little more disoriented with life.

1:17:25 Adam Right. And it's life inside that barrel is no picnic, let me tell you. Katie, what was he doing? Just watching the rodeo? Or was he working there too?

1:17:35 Guest He was working too.

1:17:36 Adam What do you do with the rodeo? Just out of curiosity.

1:17:39 Guest I work a concession stand.

1:17:41 Adam I see. So you serve up the bulldogs and the rope and pretzels and stuff like that.

1:17:48 Guest Yeah, that kind of crap.

1:17:49 Drew How far into the middle of the country do you have to go before soda becomes pop?

1:17:53 Adam Right next to the filling station part of the country instead of gas station.

1:17:57 Guest Yeah, I wonder if Iowa knows they say pop.

1:17:58 Drew Yeah, Chicago says pop. The Midwest for sure, but is it Wyoming? I think rodeo is Wyoming.

1:18:04 Adam Right.

1:18:04 Guest Where are you?

1:18:05 Guest I'm in Oregon.

1:18:06 Drew Is that where the rodeos are?

1:18:08 Guest Yeah.

1:18:08 Adam Really?

1:18:09 Guest I live in Salem and there's this like stupid little town 18 miles east or whatever.

1:18:15 Adam All right, so can you not act on this, Katie, because it's bad for you?

1:18:21 Guest Well, I haven't really acted on it since then, but I'm overly flirty with these guys. I just like lead them to believe that I want to do things with them.

1:18:34 Guest Right.

1:18:34 Guest I don't. And I just like, I want to know if there's a reason why.

1:18:37 Adam Where's your dad?

1:18:38 Guest I'll get to it.

1:18:40 Guest My dad lives in Kaiser with his whore girlfriend.

1:18:43 Adam I see. And when you say whore, is that a term of endearment or is she actually a prostitute?

1:18:50 Caller Is that a nationality?

1:18:52 Guest No. That's just what I think of her.

1:18:54 Adam She's from Prostonia.

1:18:55 Caller She's from Horizonia.

1:18:57 Caller Okay.

1:18:59 Adam All right. So there you go. Dad abandoned the family. Yeah. And now these guys are daddies. And daddy didn't pay attention to you?

1:19:07 Guest My dad hasn't been around for like six years.

1:19:10 Adam Right. Okay. So there it is. You understand that, Katie? What's going on?

1:19:16 Guest Not exactly.

1:19:16 Drew You're trying to replace your dad.

1:19:18 Caller Right.

1:19:19 Adam Your dad never showed you attention and now you seek attention from older men who are a father figure.

1:19:25 Drew And I suspect there's even more to this than just that. There's something about this a-hole that is your dad that was sort of inappropriately something traumatizing to you in some way. It made you feel powerless. Not just the abandonment, but he also was sort of not great, not empathic with you when you're growing up. And it sort of left a mark that now has become a source of attraction for guys that are going to replace that to try to make good what he done wrong.

1:19:52 Adam All right. So Katie, I'd like to see you with a 10, 11-year-old. Is that possible? Can I pull up on a chopper-oo, pull this retainer out, give you a slug of Mountain Dew and tug on your pigtails a little bit? How about just find a guy your age, all right?

1:20:09 Guest Yeah, older guys are so flabby and hairy. Who wants them?

1:20:12 Adam Yeah. Yeah, they got a ton of filling.

1:20:14 Guest Look at those smooth boys.

1:20:15 Adam They're breath smells of jerky and brandy. They're horrible.

1:20:19 Guest I'm really glad she called because I'm overly flirty with beagles. I've always been like, what the hell is that about? I had a beagle that would run away all the time.

1:20:29 Adam I see you're abandoned.

1:20:30 Guest I was abandoned by the beagle.

1:20:32 Drew His dad used to beat him with the beagle.

1:20:34 Caller Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1:20:36 Caller Is it coming back?

1:20:38 Adam Oh, I think we're having a break. Sam?

1:20:43 Caller Yeah.

1:20:44 Adam You're 18.

1:20:44 Caller Yeah, I have a question for the UCB.

1:20:46 Adam Here they are.

1:20:48 Caller All right. Hey, is there any way you guys can explain what exactly is up with the number 23?

1:20:54 Guest The Illuminati.

1:20:56 Caller All right.

1:20:57 Guest That's all I can say right now.

1:20:59 Caller Michael Jordan.

1:21:00 Guest Yeah.

1:21:01 Caller Number of chromosomes coming from each parent.

1:21:06 Caller There you go.

1:21:06 Guest Everything important goes back to number 23.

1:21:10 Adam Usually on a CD, it's usually the best cut.

1:21:13 Caller Really?

1:21:13 Adam 23?

1:21:14 Caller Yeah. Six or seven usually.

1:21:17 Adam Oh, really?

1:21:18 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:21:19 Adam I know.

1:21:19 Drew He's a producer.

1:21:19 Caller Cuts two and three is what he means.

1:21:21 Adam That's what I meant.

1:21:22 Drew Two and three.

1:21:23 Adam You guys ever have that? I realized I was driving the other day home after the show, thinking to myself, what is the best cut for CD? I've always had a strong suspicion it was number seven. On most of my CDs, I enjoy seven the most, but two and three is strong, too. And then I thought, Jesus Christ, what are you in prison? What kind of thinking is this? What are you, nuts?

1:21:45 Guest Seven or eight would be the first song and the second song.

1:21:47 Adam I'm having an argument with myself about cut seven being the best on CDs.

1:21:52 Drew By the way, you weren't thinking it to yourself. I think you were regaling me with it.

1:21:54 Adam Oh, yeah. I may have been on the phone with Drew. Joseph?

1:21:57 Caller Hello.

1:21:58 Adam Hello.

1:21:59 Caller How you doing?

1:22:00 Adam What's up?

1:22:01 Caller Well, that whole thing I told your operator just a little ruse to order so I could tell you guys that you guys are all awesome.

1:22:07 Adam And Upright Citizens Brigade and Loveline?

1:22:10 Caller Both of them. You just like the compilation of the finest entertainers in the world of cable in that one room.

1:22:15 Caller Thank you.

1:22:17 Caller It's just outstanding.

1:22:18 Caller And even better than Iron Chef.

1:22:20 Drew Just think of their bomber to go off now.

1:22:22 Adam Cable TV would shut down the day the comedy died.

1:22:25 Caller I would shut down myself. But I just I loved your take on the Matrix for the Upright Citizens Brigade and I just wanted to know where I could see you live or where I could buy one of your jackets.

1:22:36 Adam You're going to move some product tonight, boys.

1:22:38 Caller We're going to make some.

1:22:39 Adam Matt, give them the give them the website.

1:22:42 Guest There's a secret square on uprightcitizens.org where you can get the jacket.

1:22:46 Guest Tell them how many people have found it.

1:22:48 Caller Or just go to MetaCrawler and type in the word 23.

1:22:52 Caller MetaCrawler and type in the word 23. I have a program at Search Engine Mills, so I'll be looking all this up now.

1:22:57 Adam Alright Joseph.

1:22:59 Caller And also I hope I'll be seeing something with the Lung Babies coming up in a future episode.

1:23:02 Adam Yes.

1:23:04 Caller So do we. I'm a bar manager. I'm offering free booze if any of you guys come to Albuquerque. I know you the place off the earth. I don't want to plug them.

1:23:11 Adam I've never been to Albuquerque. You've been to Albuquerque?

1:23:13 Guest No, me neither.

1:23:13 Adam I always want to go there.

1:23:15 Caller You're not missing much, really.

1:23:16 Guest My father was born in Albuquerque.

1:23:18 Adam Well, there you go. I would always like to go.

1:23:21 Caller Well, if you come in, I'll give you the bar off the air and free booze for all, for the upgrade, for the whole studio.

1:23:28 Drew Adam will be there.

1:23:28 Adam All right.

1:23:30 Caller Yes.

1:23:30 Adam You know, LA is not a dry county anymore, though. I can get myself six back for four bucks.

1:23:36 Guest I will go if I could drink an airplane ticket's worth of booze. I'll show up there.

1:23:41 Drew You've gotten good at that.

1:23:43 Adam That's how I get my money back out of the first class. I try to drink as much top-shelf booze as I can get in me between here and New York. That's my new move and then have the pilot come back and pick out the expensive nuts from my trail mix. You guys think I'm lying?

1:23:57 Drew You did it. I did it.

1:23:59 Adam I actually, here's how, you know, you've arrived as a celebrity when you actually can get the pilot of your plane before we're in the air, by the way, to come back and pick the smoked almonds out of my out of my teriyaki trail mix. I was outraged that there was only three, by the way.

1:24:17 Drew The pilot was not amused.

1:24:18 Adam No, I think he was playing along. I demanded that he come back and remove the almonds from it. I opened the packet, I emptied it out of my tray and he came back around and he picked the ones out for me.

1:24:26 Caller What airline?

1:24:27 Guest Southwest.

1:24:28 Adam No, it was...

1:24:29 Caller ATA, ATA Virgin.

1:24:31 Adam What was it? I'm scared to mention, I don't want to get the guy fired. Well, it wasn't Southwest because they don't have, they don't have first class, do they?

1:24:38 Drew We fly a lot of United.

1:24:40 Caller FedEx, do you fly first class FedEx?

1:24:42 Adam Yeah, we fly where Tom Hanks sat in that movie.

1:24:46 Caller Steve? Yeah, hey guys.

1:24:48 Adam You're 17, what's up?

1:24:50 Caller All right, here's the deal. About a month ago, my dad had a heart attack and I was going through his safety deposit box and I found some pictures of me and some sexual positions when I was about two.

1:25:02 Drew When you were what?

1:25:03 Caller About two.

1:25:04 Drew What do you mean sexual positions?

1:25:05 Caller Like me, like with my knees to my shoulders bending over and like my butt sticking out.

1:25:10 Adam No, you didn't.

1:25:12 Caller Yeah, I did.

1:25:13 Drew And even if you did, what does that mean, a sexual position of a two-year-old? What does that mean?

1:25:19 Caller What do you mean?

1:25:20 Drew What does that mean?

1:25:21 Adam What do you mean? Drew, what does that mean?

1:25:25 Drew What would a sexual position of a two-year-old be?

1:25:27 Guest Just being naked isn't sexual.

1:25:29 Drew No, or just bending over when you're two.

1:25:31 Adam What do you mean?

1:25:32 Drew Being two.

1:25:33 Adam But why are you suspicious? I mean, my dad has suggested pictures of me in his wallet, but why do you suspect him of being a pedophile? I mean, what else do you have to go off of?

1:25:46 Caller That's it. I was just wondering if I should like tell my mom or anything.

1:25:49 Adam But here's what I'm saying, Steve. If your dad is a loving, good family man, then these pictures should be nothing more than pictures of your youth that he's kept. But if you, if he's an alcoholic, abusive a-hole, then maybe this means something.

1:26:07 Caller Well, he's a truck driver and I didn't really have a good relationship with him because he's always gone.

1:26:12 Adam I see. Probably had one of those sandwich makers that ran off the cigarette liner. Steve.

1:26:17 Caller Yeah.

1:26:17 Adam Uh, explain again these pictures and help us, help us understand how they're sexual other than you being naked.

1:26:25 Caller All right. Like I was like naked and like I had my knees to my shoulders. So it was like fully bent over.

1:26:32 Adam Were you on your back?

1:26:34 Caller Yeah.

1:26:34 Adam And you're so and where was he?

1:26:37 Caller I'm assuming he's taking the picture.

1:26:39 Adam I understand he's holding the camera, but I mean, what I should have said, where was the lens? That's what I'm gonna say. Yes.

1:26:45 Caller Like my butt.

1:26:47 Adam But, but angle.

1:26:49 Caller Yeah.

1:26:49 Adam So we were looking at your butt in the back of your scrotum.

1:26:53 Caller Yeah.

1:26:54 Adam You got a copy of that picture? I like that.

1:26:56 Caller No.

1:26:57 Adam All right, Steve. A little weird. I'm starting to go, I'm starting to go a little weird. Any other pictures in there?

1:27:03 Caller No, those are the only ones.

1:27:06 Caller And what?

1:27:08 Adam Your dad's still in the hospital?

1:27:09 Drew He died.

1:27:10 Adam Oh, did he die? Oh, I thought he had the heart attack, but I don't know if it killed him.

1:27:13 Guest Truck drivers have a lot of photos. They keep them around their cab. I know that.

1:27:18 Adam So, I just want to remember you.

1:27:19 Drew What else was in the safe deposit?

1:27:20 Adam They ended up on the visor.

1:27:22 Drew What else was in the box?

1:27:24 Caller Just like bills and stuff.

1:27:27 Adam I see.

1:27:27 Caller I don't know. Like, legal papers, crap, I don't know.

1:27:30 Adam All right.

1:27:31 Drew Let me go through with your mom and see when she picks it up if it's something that she freaks out with.

1:27:35 Adam Well, here's... But, okay, here's what I'm going to... Here's my suggestion, Steve. What happened to you with your dad dying is tragic. What happened with your dad being out on the road and being sort of neglectful is another tragedy. And now this could be the third. The point is... Here's my point.

1:27:53 Drew That was a hole, right?

1:27:55 Adam It's sort of like if your dad died in Vietnam, would you want to know that he died a coward screaming for help and was shot in the back? Or just that he died in them and good enough? You know what I mean? Just bury it. You'll never get to the bottom of this and you don't want to. He's dead. You have issues. He's moved on. You move on. And it's not worth, I think, revisiting this. You'll never get a satisfactory answer to this. There's a lot of weird speculation. Just assume the best. Assume he had him because he loved you and move on. All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. We'll be back after this.

1:28:53 Caller You're listening to Loveline on Outrageous Talk Radio 100.7 The Buzz.

1:29:12 Adam Loveline, everybody. Forget about that phone number. It's getting a little late for you, kid.

1:29:15 Guest I used to call.

1:29:17 Adam Maddie and Matt are both here from the Upright Citizens Brigade. You can log on to uprightcitizens.org. Yes. Thank you very much. I knew I'd get it eventually if you want to find out some information about shows or any other endeavors as it pertains to the group. Jessica.

1:29:39 Guest Yeah.

1:29:39 Adam You're 18. What's up?

1:29:42 Guest Okay. Last weekend, I slept with my best friend's boyfriend. But that's not the most horrible part. My best friend's boyfriend is, I'm dating his brother and I don't know what to do.

1:30:00 Adam Wow.

1:30:01 Guest Yeah.

1:30:02 Adam Is there, what about the dad? Have you gotten to him? Huh? No.

1:30:07 Guest No, I haven't gotten to him.

1:30:08 Adam It's a matter of hours now.

1:30:10 Guest Time for a surprise threesome.

1:30:12 Adam That's right. So, you're, you, so the two guys are brothers. And one of them is dating your best friend and one of them is dating you. And how old are the guys?

1:30:22 Guest My boyfriend's 23 and her boyfriend's 20.

1:30:25 Adam And how old is your friend? Is she your age?

1:30:28 Guest She's my age.

1:30:28 Adam All right. And how long have they been going out?

1:30:32 Guest Just like a couple months, like four months.

1:30:35 Adam How is it that you got him alone without her being around?

1:30:38 Guest We hang out a lot together and we did, me and him just got drunk.

1:30:43 Adam And you two just hung out and got drunk and your boyfriend wasn't around.

1:30:48 Guest Well, he was working and she was working.

1:30:50 Adam I see. Well, maybe they got it on.

1:30:54 Caller I mean, one can pray.

1:30:55 Adam So do you want to tell somebody?

1:30:58 Guest I want to tell, I don't know if I should tell.

1:31:00 Adam No, you can't tell anybody. You shouldn't even be talking about this. Hang up.

1:31:07 Drew What would your purpose be? Get away from the phone. What would your purpose be in telling someone?

1:31:11 Guest Because I just felt bad, like I've been avoiding my boyfriend, like.

1:31:14 Drew Well, if you want to break up with your boyfriend, that would be reasonable. But see now. Why punish him by telling him why with that?

1:31:21 Adam We would suspect you want to break up with your boyfriend anyway.

1:31:24 Guest Well, what if his brother tells him, or my boyfriend tells him?

1:31:29 Adam His brother is not going to tell him.

1:31:31 Drew Unless he wants his ass kicked.

1:31:32 Adam Who did you do? The younger one? Well, you did them both. But who did you do most recently? The older one?

1:31:38 Guest The younger one.

1:31:39 Adam You did the younger one.

1:31:40 Guest Yeah.

1:31:40 Adam Yeah, younger one will not tell. He knows.

1:31:44 Guest But he's like been like trying to plan stuff alone with me now.

1:31:48 Adam Right. I understand that. But it's still more reason why he won't tell. No younger brother is going to tell the older brother.

1:31:54 Guest But see, we hung out like really, we always hung out like this. You know what I mean? And like now he's planning stuff alone with me and I don't want to be alone with him.

1:32:05 Drew All right. Then don't.

1:32:07 Adam Well, if he made plans, he made plans. Tuesday, eight o'clock, raping, say my place or down by the lake.

1:32:14 Guest No, but he's like my friend saying like, well, why don't you want to be alone with him and blah, blah, blah.

1:32:20 Adam Yeah, right.

1:32:20 Guest Because you're thinking about, like a mile away.

1:32:22 Drew Because you're going to break up with your boyfriend. All right.

1:32:24 Adam So, Jessica, here's break up with your boyfriend. You're not into him, but I am. No, you're not. You wouldn't have slept with his brother.

1:32:32 Guest But I was.

1:32:34 Adam Oh, you're drunk?

1:32:35 Guest Yeah.

1:32:36 Caller Has that ever happened before?

1:32:37 Adam No. No, you had to be. You had to be into him or you wouldn't have done it. Well, you wouldn't have sat around and drank with him if you weren't into him.

1:32:44 Caller The brother.

1:32:44 Adam You knew what was coming. Don't blame it on booze. Why tarnish the good name of booze? All right.

1:32:52 Guest Okay.

1:32:53 Adam All right. Break up with this guy. You're not into him.

1:32:55 Drew Get away from both of them.

1:32:56 Guest Hey, I have another question.

1:32:57 Adam Oh, okay.

1:33:00 Drew That's what they call a trans-drama.

1:33:02 Caller That's resilience. I love it.

1:33:04 Caller No, wait, wait, wait. Like, whatever happened to Loveline on TV?

1:33:09 Adam It's a good question.

1:33:10 Caller You can watch that all the time.

1:33:12 Adam Drew, what happened to Loveline on TV?

1:33:13 Drew That's a good question. It wasn't re-upped.

1:33:15 Guest It's on the same network we're on right now.

1:33:17 Caller UCB and Loveline are up on it.

1:33:19 Drew I think it's actually still airing Loveline.

1:33:20 Adam We'll be at the Improv Olympic Theatre on Saturday, Tuesday, Thursday nights at 7.30.

1:33:28 Guest Hey, why don't you guys go on the Antique Road Show?

1:33:31 Adam Hey, why don't you sort out your personal issues and stop coming in? What are you? You're the Hollywood Reporter?

1:33:36 Caller New program director.

1:33:38 Adam Please.

1:33:38 Guest I like that show.

1:33:40 Guest Thank you.

1:33:42 Adam Listen, a lot of people...

1:33:43 Guest You're not having that rough a time.

1:33:44 Adam Here's the... I know. Here's the reality. We did Loveline on MTV for four years. And that's... that's about it. That's a pretty good run over there. They're not gonna let a guy in a 36-year-old... What are you, 57 now? 58? 58 sit around on their network for too long. Grown cobweb. That's right. All right, Jessica. I got big movie deals and things like that. Drew... Drew has to pay the nanny. So he had to do it.

1:34:11 Guest So I should break up with my boyfriend?

1:34:13 Adam Yes.

1:34:14 Guest Okay.

1:34:15 Adam Thank you. All right. Let's... Yeah, that was a transition. Let's talk to Nita. Hey.

1:34:21 Caller Hi. I'm 18. I went on a diet about two weeks ago. And I had been... I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. And I got a cold about three days ago. And I started taking night quill. And for the first two days, it really wasn't working. And I came in today, I took a nap, and I woke back up, and my cold was starting to act up. And I took it, and about 30 minutes later, I just started having, like, the weirdest hallucinations. I don't know what happened.

1:34:51 Drew What were they?

1:34:52 Caller Um, I have a very big fear of mice. And I felt like, I don't know if I was half asleep, up, I don't know, but I just felt like they were crawling all over me. But I could still hear, like, my little brother had the TV on. And I could still hear that. And I heard my father's voice, and I know he's at work. And it went on for about 30 minutes. And it was like flashing colors. I don't know what happened.

1:35:20 Guest Like fireballs kind of colors? I'm serious. What happens when you get dehydrated?

1:35:24 Adam Hold on, what did you take again? Cause I'm looking to catch this buzz.

1:35:27 Caller NyQuil.

1:35:28 Adam NyQuil and what?

1:35:30 Caller Just NyQuil.

1:35:30 Caller Do you have a fever?

1:35:33 Caller I have a cold.

1:35:34 Adam Weren't you on, didn't you say you're on some weight loss stuff or something?

1:35:38 Caller Well, I've been on a diet for about two weeks.

1:35:40 Caller Right.

1:35:41 Adam And maybe, yes, maybe, maybe needed some fluid in you.

1:35:45 Drew How much NyQuil did you take?

1:35:47 Caller I took the dosage at about two teaspoons, tablespoons, excuse me.

1:35:51 Drew The usual dosage.

1:35:52 Caller Yeah. Well, I was taking a little bit more.

1:35:56 Drew Is there dextromethorphan in that NyQuil?

1:35:59 Adam I think there is.

1:36:00 Caller Yeah.

1:36:01 Adam You'll catch a buzz.

1:36:03 Drew Dextromethorphan can make you hallucinate. Are you on any other medication?

1:36:08 Drew Especially with other medications.

1:36:09 Adam I put NyQuil in my bong. It really smooths it out.

1:36:13 Guest Nice buzz. This is a fantastic ad for NyQuil.

1:36:16 Adam Yeah.

1:36:17 Guest I'm really...

1:36:18 Adam Joe is pretty good.

1:36:20 Caller Is Robo-tussing have the same? Yeah.

1:36:21 Drew They actually call it Robo-tripping.

1:36:23 Caller Yeah.

1:36:23 Drew These kids.

1:36:24 Caller Tussing.

1:36:24 Adam Hey, Anita.

1:36:25 Caller Yeah.

1:36:26 Adam Do you feel okay now?

1:36:28 Caller I'm just jittering.

1:36:29 Adam Right. All right. You had a bad trip, baby. It's all right. You're coming down.

1:36:34 Caller It's been like two or three hours.

1:36:36 Adam You're crashing pretty hard. Well, let me say, I bet you that it was the diet mix with the Nyquil and being... Chicks are natural lightweights. Right. That's the only thing. I'm so envious of women. You know what I love about women? It's like every girl I've ever been with is like, um, you know, she'll have like, she'll be like passed out at eight o'clock at nine. I'll be like, what's up? I ate one of those half herbal night. I had an herbal night camp from Trader Joe's. I ate a half of one of the tablets and I'm gone. Like, I don't think I can drive. And I'm like, really? Because I just had a bottle of Valium and a fifth of Scotch and I feel fine. I'm bouncing off the walls. Chicks are lightweights. And a shot of NyQuil for an 18 year old girl who's been on a diet could do her up.

1:37:23 Drew All right.

1:37:24 Guest Never do the nighttime NyQuil during the day.

1:37:27 Adam That's another one.

1:37:28 Guest Oh boy.

1:37:28 Drew Natalie?

1:37:29 Caller That's a vampire.

1:37:30 Adam Natalie, you're 20. What's up?

1:37:33 Guest Every time my boyfriend and I have sex, it hurts so bad. He's like way too big.

1:37:39 Caller Oh really?

1:37:40 Caller Uh huh.

1:37:41 Guest Is he a wrestler?

1:37:43 Guest Am I?

1:37:44 Adam No, is he?

1:37:45 Caller No.

1:37:45 Drew And this is what we hear is that the most common complaint is not too small, but too big. Men are more interested in being too big.

1:37:55 Adam I'd like to hurt a woman just once with my penis. Just once. Even if it meant I stabbed her with it, or, you know, if I have to get a run sharp.

1:38:03 Drew You sharpened it.

1:38:04 Caller Sharp, sharpened?

1:38:05 Caller Just to hear the word ow when your penis was out.

1:38:07 Drew Right.

1:38:08 Adam Yes, yes. Even if it got, even if I punctured her eardrum with it, I wouldn't care. Just, I just want to inflict some damage.

1:38:14 Guest If you have one of those straight up and down ones, you could sort of pull it back to the stock and have it go.

1:38:19 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:38:20 Caller Or put a jagged bottle cap on the end of it and winging at her.

1:38:23 Adam Well, mine's now rusty, so I think I could give her tetanus. He hadn't it. So how big is it?

1:38:32 Caller Ask him, I want to use half of it.

1:38:34 Guest I don't know how big it is, but it's really big.

1:38:38 Adam Is it wide around?

1:38:39 Guest Both, long and wide.

1:38:41 Caller Nice. Oh, Lord.

1:38:42 Adam All right.

1:38:43 Caller Is your boyfriend's name Ron Jeremy? I just have to ask.

1:38:46 Guest Yeah, that's it.

1:38:47 Adam No, listen. Do you...

1:38:49 Guest We've been together for two years.

1:38:50 Adam Do you use lubrication?

1:38:52 Guest Yeah.

1:38:52 Adam All right. How about you get on top of him and sort of...

1:38:55 Guest I've tried that and that's when it hurts the most.

1:38:57 Adam Like climbing on a fire hydrant or something?

1:39:01 Caller Or something.

1:39:02 Adam Well, yeah, but what if you get on top and you sort of set the pace? Do you know what I mean? You set the depth. You don't go all the way down. You know what I mean? Tell him to hold still. Do you understand what I'm saying? Can you do that? Not going to work?

1:39:22 Caller I don't know, because that's like when it hurts the most.

1:39:24 Adam OK.

1:39:25 Guest You don't understand.

1:39:28 Adam Can you rub some coke on your vagina and kind of numb it up?

1:39:32 Caller Coke?

1:39:34 Adam No, they don't do that? That's very expensive. Hold on, do people not do that anymore?

1:39:38 Guest Do they ever rub it on the vagina? Sure.

1:39:40 Adam Numb it up. You know, if you're making a porn film or something.

1:39:43 Guest Sure.

1:39:44 Adam Hey, and Natalie?

1:39:45 Guest Uh-huh.

1:39:46 Adam All right. This is one of these things you're going to have to work out. After you pop out a few kids, it'll be all right.

1:39:52 Guest So do you think the more that we do it, then the better it will feel?

1:39:55 Adam Well, it's been two years. I don't know.

1:39:57 Caller Are you advising her to have a few kids?

1:39:58 Drew Yeah. Just work with... Is he listening to you? I mean, does he appreciate this?

1:40:03 Guest Yeah, and then because sometimes it hurts so bad in the middle that I'll just start crying and then I feel bad.

1:40:08 Guest He's a professional football player. What sport does he play?

1:40:13 Guest He just likes dirt bikes and stuff. He doesn't play really much.

1:40:16 Adam Son of a bitch. I hope he breaks his neck out there in Red Rock Canyon. Listen, he needs the love grommet. This is a device I've talked about many times. I haven't talked about it in a while. They could actually use this. Too deep. The penetration is too great. This is actual batting doughnut one puts around his genitalia. Slides on there. It's about an inch thick. You get a little spring back action off it and it prevents it. It from going in any more than a certain depth.

1:40:44 Drew Nike will sponsor one called the Boing.

1:40:46 Adam That's right.

1:40:48 Caller It doesn't solve the width problem.

1:40:49 Adam I know.

1:40:49 Guest There's actually a. You can condition yourself. Someone has to watch you and the man has to have electrodes hooked up to his scrotum, but he's watched whenever he penetrates too deeply. There's a fairly severe shock delivered to the scrotum and eventually he will learn not to penetrate as deeply to avoid the shock.

1:41:09 Adam You should be a counselor.

1:41:11 Guest I'd love to.

1:41:11 Caller You can just put a shock in that collar thing, Adam.

1:41:14 Adam We're going to take ourselves, oh, in the love grommet. We're going to take ourselves a little break. We'll be back with the Upright Citizens Brigade after this.

1:41:22 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

1:41:48 Adam Well, there you have it, everyone. I want to thank the Upright Citizens Brigade for coming in here tonight and being a genuinely good guest. You know, Seth Drew? Give and take. Not only that, but brought some...

1:41:59 Guest You know what? We never got to give away the jackets.

1:42:02 Adam Oh.

1:42:02 Guest Secret box. Put them back in the van. Yeah, just put them back in the van. I've got a hundred freaking jackets. I don't hate to carry them back.

1:42:07 Guest No one... If someone had asked for them, we would have given them away.

1:42:09 Guest Oh, well, we'll just bring them back.

1:42:10 Caller We should have given out the web address too.

1:42:12 Adam Oh, well. It would be uprightcitizens.org, everybody, if you want to see these guys alive and in person. Thanks, guys, for coming in.

1:42:20 Caller Thank you.

1:42:21 Adam So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:42:26 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Dingle. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, January 23, 2001