Episode 1000754887114

3:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast. Yeah, I almost forgot the mic.

3:20 Drew Oh, what a bother, too. I noticed how it would put you out to reach for the mic.

3:24 Adam Yes.

3:25 Drew Yeah, that's awful.

3:26 Adam You kids didn't get off that easy tonight. I did remember to bring my mic back with me when I convalesced back in my chair here. All right, that's Dr. Drew, I'm Adam Corolla. Thanks, Ann. This is Loveline. Phone number 1-800-L-L-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-8-5-4-44-55, Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. All right, tonight our guest is 3 Doors Down. I forgot we had guests tonight. I'm glad. I mean, I'm glad you guys are here. I was thinking about talking about the World Series for the first hour, but now I don't have to do that. Well, just let me just say something that upsets me about people in general. And what is that humming? Is that it? Do I hear that?

4:06 Drew My mic, I guess.

4:07 Adam OK. Here's. Oh, please, Drew. Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, you did. You fixed me. Hey, seriously, don't f around. Is it OK?

4:20 Drew I'm trying to get to work.

4:21 Adam Oh, no, you don't need a mic. I just don't need the static. Can you just shut his mic off? Like, he doesn't do anything anyway. Drew, you just draw some pictures.

4:29 Drew Why are you in such a bad mood?

4:31 Adam I'm not in a bad mood. It's that humming. It's driving me insane. Is it all right? Is that Drew's mic? OK, here's all I want to say about the World Series. I'm not a fan of the Yankees, and I'm not a fan of the Mets. This happens to me every year with every sporting event. Two teams playing that I don't really care about, because whatever my team is doesn't make it every year. So what I do, I do the mature thing. I root for the underdog. If the Bills are playing the Niners, or the Bills are playing, can they play the Niners? If the Bills are playing Dallas in the Super Bowl, I root for the Bills, because the Bills have lost four, and Dallas has won four or five. It only makes sense. You know what I'm saying? Now, you got the Yankees that have won 26 World Series, and the Mets that have won two, and most of the people I talk to, not from New York, still pulling hard for the Yankees. That's a pussy maneuver to me. That says you're too insecure to lose. You start pulling for the underdog like me and take your lumps. And then you end up getting emotionally involved, and then you get depressed about your team losing and it wasn't even your team. So now I'm upset that the Mets lost. I don't even like the Mets. Three doors down is our guest. Brad, Chris and Matt are both here. Drew? Mike still ain't working? I call that serendipity. These guys are going to be on the Tonight Show tomorrow night, right?

5:52 Caller Right. Oh, it's correct.

5:53 Adam Yeah, you guys got two Mikes between you. I guess Chris and Matt got it. You guys want to put that in the middle. Who's the jabbery one in the three, from the three of you?

6:02 Caller Brad?

6:03 Drew That might be me.

6:05 Adam Right, you guys are from Mississippi. I don't believe we've had a guest in here from Mississippi, have we? No.

6:12 Drew Somebody actually lives in Mississippi, huh?

6:14 Caller Yeah, not many people, but...

6:17 Adam You guys still live there?

6:20 Drew When we were home. You saw their tour schedule, they haven't been home in six years.

6:23 Adam Yeah, yeah, well it's crazy, because your rep was just telling me that you have a song that's number one in the rock charts and number one in the alternative charts, did I screw that up, or is that right?

6:35 Drew Pop and rock.

6:37 Adam Pop and rock?

6:38 Drew Yep.

6:38 Adam Yeah. That's pretty unheard of, isn't it?

6:41 Caller Yeah, I guess that's pretty unusual. Just glad it happened to us.

6:45 Adam Are you going nuts with the travel?

6:49 Caller It's pretty exciting.

6:50 Adam Really? You seem tired.

6:53 Drew Yeah, so do you, though.

6:55 Adam I go to Fresno for the day, and I'm like, I need a Xanax and a nap. I got to get some melatonin in my system. My clock's all screwed up. People are like, we're on the same time as LA. Yeah, you know, it's never on the same time when you're getting on a plane. Drew, what is their schedule? Where are we going to find them coming up beside the Tonight Show? Or maybe you guys can tell us.

7:18 Drew You just played Las Vegas, Sacramento, Portland, the 28th. Boston, the 31st of October. Denver, the 2nd. Kansas City, the 4th of November. And St. Louis, the 5th. St. Paul, Minnesota, the 7th. Chicago, the 11th. Cleveland, the 14th. Detroit, the 16th. A brief stay in a hospital.

7:35 Adam That's right. IV put in them, put some fluids back. And maybe burn a shanker off the penis or something. And then it's back on the road. Right, Drew?

7:44 Drew That's it.

7:45 Adam All right.

7:46 Caller All of this fixing to come to a bunch of boys that are from Mississippi and aren't quite used to know Minnesota winter.

7:52 Adam When did you guys meet up in school?

7:55 Caller Yeah, we've pretty much known each other all our life. We were from the same little town, probably like 3,000 people in the whole place. And so we've all known each other for a long time.

8:04 Drew There's your movie script.

8:05 Adam Yeah. Let me tell you the way I like to do a very pure interview, which is not reading the bio before the interview.

8:11 Drew Or, interestingly, not even asking the questions.

8:14 Adam Thank you, Drew. That's right, I'm a real talent. So you guys, high school you meet up, junior high? I mean, is it going all the way back to grade school? If you're in a small town, you've probably been in the same school since kindergarten, right?

8:25 Caller Yeah, me and Matt went to know each other since like third grade, played T-ball together. And I've known Todd since about the same time. He used to go out with my sister when he was in high school. And Todd and Chris were friends always coming up. And we just always knew each other.

8:42 Adam And what were you listening to? And I mean, in Mississippi, growing up, you're listening to the same stuff everyone else is listening to? Or is a lot of like Elvis? That's what I would assume.

8:53 We just got cable about six years ago.

8:56 Adam Oh, yeah.

8:58 Caller Kind of lived there for a while.

8:59 Adam There are these new pants coming out called Bellbottoms. I don't know if you guys have heard of them. So you meet up early, you start. I guess Mississippi has a strong musical vibe to it. Wouldn't you say? Maybe not.

9:15 Caller It's a unique place for a writer to come from. I think it's some unique influences around the area. And I mean, there's really not a whole lot of people that's from there, but it seems like the ones that have come out of there came out pretty strong.

9:28 Adam Right. Yeah, that is very true. Drew, you're out of Mississippi originally, aren't you? No. No. Okay. Pasadena, Mississippi, same backwater town. The bayou. I think what we'll do, yeah, by the way, people not singing about the bayou quite as much as they used to. You guys are a little bit younger than us, but when we were growing up in the 70s, every third song was about some Mississippi queen, or some Cajun queen, some chick from Mississippi, something going on out of the swamp or the bayou. Somebody got murdered, somebody's making moonshine. A lot of heading out to the creek in the bayou in the bog back then. No band's singing about that today. I think you guys need to bring that back.

10:13 Caller I think if we wrote a song like that, all it would be about was drinking beer.

10:17 Adam All right, drinking beer by the bayou.

10:20 Drew Yeah. Nice ring to it.

10:21 Adam Got a buzz by the bayou. Nice alliteration there. All right, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll take some phone calls and we'll hear something from 3 Doors Down and we'll get to all of it. Brian?

10:32 Yeah, that's me.

10:33 Adam You're 22?

10:34 Caller Yes, sir.

10:34 Adam What's up?

10:35 Caller All right. Well, my original question has changed because here in Austin they are playing a different love line and Violent J is on there and he's talking about Vicodin.

10:43 Adam Yes.

10:43 Caller All right.

10:44 Adam That was last night's show.

10:45 Caller Yeah, I missed it.

10:46 Adam Insane clown posse.

10:47 You are an asshole.

10:49 Adam That's Violent J.

10:50 Drew I want to hear his joke again.

10:52 Adam No, please.

10:53 Drew Yeah.

10:53 The only weight I lift is my own.

10:54 Caller My big fat ass every day when I wake up.

10:58 Caller That was pretty good.

11:00 Caller My fat ass.

11:01 Oh my God. Hey, play that again.

11:04 Caller You went off on that George guy about jacking off. Oh my God. Yes, he was following some funny stuff.

11:09 Drew You talk about manic.

11:10 Caller Wow. Oh my gosh. That is crazy. Okay. I've been taking occasionally three or four Vicodin a day. Could that affect my erections?

11:18 Drew Yes, absolutely.

11:20 Caller Like make them not so hard, like not for like weeks.

11:23 Drew Makes them not really hard usually.

11:24 Caller That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Two weeks now it's been and nothing is having. I should quit taking Vicodin.

11:30 Adam Well, no, you got to take more.

11:33 Caller Oh, well, see, I was going to talk to Jay tonight and offer him all the Vicodin he needed. But anyhow.

11:38 Adam Okay, Brian.

11:39 Caller Thanks a lot.

11:39 Adam Yeah.

11:40 Caller Okay.

11:41 Adam Listen, I'm fine with guys like Brian not being able to get a boner.

11:45 Drew That's what I was thinking.

11:45 Adam Can you imagine this guy coming at you with an erection, having kids, just having sex? You know, it's weird. We'll get a phone call and it'll be some guy like Brian and I'll go, my God, who's letting him have sex with them? And then two calls later, we get some crazy chick and I go, my God, who's stupid enough to bone her? And then I think about it, I go, wait a minute, Brian, Brian and her, that's who's pairing up. Oh, and it's their kids we got to look out for. That's who's hooking up.

12:17 Caller If you had caller ID, it'd be the same number.

12:19 Adam That's right. She's upstairs, Brian, get out. Matt?

12:25 Yeah.

12:25 Adam What's up?

12:27 Um, yeah, um, I had chlamydia and I saw the doctor and I took a flagel on Dr. Cycline and I've done that three times now and it still burns when I pee, so.

12:41 Adam Drew, what about it? What is that?

12:42 Drew Well, those aren't the antibiotics that people typically use right now. What kind of doctor is treating you?

12:49 Um, just so many weavers. My dad brought me two doctors.

12:54 Drew Yeah, I mean, whether or not it's clear, it is uncertain. Sometimes you can get-

12:59 You're not going away.

13:00 Drew I understand, but sometimes you can get stricturing or narrowing of the urethra, injuries of the urethra that are persistent even when the infection is gone.

13:09 Adam How do you get chlamydia? Just through sex?

13:11 Drew Yeah.

13:11 Adam No other way to get it?

13:12 Drew Nope.

13:12 Adam That's kind of cool to get a venereal disease at 16, though, isn't it?

13:15 Drew Especially a treatable one.

13:16 Adam Yeah, kind of a badge of honor. I wish I had gotten syphilis at 15 or 16.

13:20 Drew Chlamydia is completely treatable. There's a medicine called-

13:22 Adam Oh, yeah, you want to know why I wear this eye patch? Syphilis, 15. Thank you. High five. Thank you very much. Yeah. Chick, 23. Yeah. Babysitter. Thank you. Thank you very much. That's right. I don't have full movement in my right arm either.

13:35 Drew Thanks.

13:36 Adam Yeah, that's right.

13:37 Drew What's typically used is a shot called rocephin and an oral antibiotic called azithromycin. That's sort of the common combo, or Levoquin is another medicine. So these aren't typical combinations you're getting. And if you're still having symptoms, I would see a urologist, a doctor that, yeah, a urologist specializes in the male P tract.

13:55 Adam I'd say, I'd say a chlamydia or syphilis about as close, before 18, about as close as you could get to, like got some shrapnel in me from Vietnam still. You know what I'm saying? In terms of cool injury, this is sexual injury. You know what I mean?

14:11 Drew I can see what you're saying.

14:12 Adam Yeah, yeah, I wish I had something.

14:14 Drew Problem is if you get two STDs, you risk for HIV.

14:18 Adam Imagine, okay, imagine this, eye patch, syphilis, 15, nailed that 23-year-old, and you know why I walk with a limp? Stepped on a landmine in Vietnam. You want to know how cool you'd be at a party? Do you know what I'm saying?

14:34 Drew I know.

14:35 Adam You guys know what I'm talking about.

14:36 Drew That would be cool, right?

14:39 Adam Jay?

14:40 Drew Whatever.

14:40 Adam I don't see guys wearing eye patches. How come people aren't wearing eye patches anymore?

14:44 Drew Aren't wearing them?

14:45 Adam Yeah, I don't see guys with eye patches.

14:46 Drew Because there's lots of good prosthetics.

14:48 Adam Oh, is that what it is? I still like that eye patch, like the Barclay man used to wear.

14:52 Drew You can still wear one. You just put one on.

14:54 Adam Yeah, look, any of you guys who have an eye problem will put that skin-colored patch over your eye, that big band-aid, wear the eye patch, for Christ's sake. You know what I'm talking about?

15:04 Caller Big gnarly one with a diamond in the middle of it, to do with some class.

15:07 Adam Yeah, and you carry a white Persian cat along. Yeah, you know, you may look like an idiot with that eye. Here's what you do. You swap that eye, that band-aid out for a black eye patch with the diamond in the middle of it, and swap that bad used car salesman sport coat out for like a nice tuxedo, and all of a sudden you're Bond character. You know what I mean?

15:27 Drew Yeah, absolutely.

15:29 Adam Instead of some drunken guy who fell in his kitchen. Jay, you're 19.

15:35 Caller Yes. I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions. One's real quick. How long can sperm survive outside of the body?

15:44 Drew Basically until it dries.

15:46 Caller Until it dries? Okay.

15:49 Adam The situation is, Michael, wait a second. What if you're in Mississippi and it was humid? You know what I mean?

15:56 Drew It'll dry.

15:57 Adam Yeah, but it wouldn't live as long in Arizona.

16:01 Drew Right.

16:01 Adam Let's say you whacked off onto a car hood in July in Arizona at high noon.

16:07 Drew Yeah.

16:07 Adam You know what I mean?

16:07 Drew That'd be less survival time. It wouldn't live that long. Not so long.

16:10 Adam Well, let's say you're in Mississippi and it was just, you know, you're out by the bayou.

16:14 Drew A little longer.

16:14 Adam And it was at night. You know what I mean?

16:16 Drew Jacking by the bayou.

16:17 Adam Yeah, and you whacked off onto some wax paper or something.

16:22 Drew And kept a nice pool. So there's not much surface area for it to evaporate from.

16:26 Adam Yeah, and you're making a big pot of spaghetti or something in the kitchen. Yeah.

16:30 Drew Sperm pond.

16:31 Adam Okay, Jay?

16:33 Caller Yeah. My other question is, the situation is my girlfriend's on the pill and I also injected KY spermacidal lubricant in her vagina.

16:43 Drew Why is she on the pill?

16:45 Caller Well, yeah, she's on the pill as well.

16:46 Drew So she's on the pill, it's all you need.

16:49 Caller Well, I'm just worried about getting her pregnant. There's pretty much no chance from leaking from the anus to the vagina to get her pregnant at all. Like, no, because just tonight we did it and I saw some actually leak down right by there.

17:07 Drew She's on the pill. Hold on.

17:08 Adam I just closed my eyes and saw it too. It's great.

17:11 Drew Where's the vomit sound?

17:14 Adam Thank you.

17:16 Caller All right. I'm definitely afraid of getting girls pregnant.

17:18 Drew Well, she is on the pill, Jay. There's no safer means of contraception other than abstinence. That's it.

17:26 Adam He's such a fanatic about not getting his ladies pregnant that he doesn't even finish in the ass. He goes for the oral. Starts in the ass, switches to the oral, finishes off.

17:35 Drew Quite a gentleman. He is a Bond character.

17:37 Adam Chivalry is not dead, Jay. You're quite a gentleman. You're so conscientious. So wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now, you're injecting spermicide into her, right?

17:49 Caller Yes. Just make sure that...

17:52 Adam Right. And what do you use? A turkey baster or...?

17:56 Caller The utensil that comes with the KY jelly.

17:59 Adam Oh, use the KY jelly.

18:01 Drew Applicator.

18:02 Adam Applicator. Hold on. What does that look like, Drew?

18:05 Drew The applicator?

18:05 Adam You guys know what that looks like?

18:06 Drew It looks like a plunger. Look at that big syringe.

18:09 Adam And how... But the opening is big, right?

18:12 Drew It's like about the size of this.

18:14 Adam Does it look like one of those things they used to advertise to remove blackheads in the back of comic books?

18:19 Drew Kind of.

18:19 Adam You know what I mean? Like you pop it, put it on your blackhead and suck it out? You guys never saw that?

18:24 Drew No. I didn't either.

18:25 Adam Yes, you did. It was like a blackhead remover.

18:29 Drew If you say so. It sounds about right. But it's...

18:32 Adam Right. Okay, so you put that and he put spermicide into that.

18:36 Drew Ann's here. She's got to have some of that in her purse. Oh, man.

18:39 Adam Forget about Ann. She's three sheets in the wind. Ann was in here tonight and Drew, because of his addiction medicine specialty, he sits in here and he goes, who was drinking tonight? Me and Ann were the only two people in the room. And I was thinking to myself, Oh Christ, I'm busted. You know, and then I thought, wait a minute, I didn't drink tonight. Coincidentally, I'm not drunk. I proudly announced that I wasn't drunk. And then Ann went...

19:04 Drew How did you know that? I'm hardly drunk.

19:08 Adam I'm completely sober. Right. You're so sober that Drew knew it immediately when you walked in the room.

19:12 Drew I was drunk five hours ago.

19:13 Adam Plus she had her hand down my pants. You didn't see that. She's coming on to me.

19:17 Drew The behavior is what sort of alerted me to something being up.

19:19 Adam Behavior, please. She looks good, too.

19:23 Drew Do you have an applicator for yeast medicine or... No, seriously. He wants to see the applicator.

19:30 Caller Why would I have that in my purse?

19:31 Drew It's a common thing.

19:32 Adam You know, Ann, you're driving home, you get a flat. All of a sudden the yeast flares up. You're not walking distance from a pharmacy. What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying?

19:43 Drew Let's put it this way. If you would have gotten a yeast infection, wouldn't you be happy you had that around? You know what I'm saying?

19:48 Adam Okay, but listen, if she got bit by a viper, she'd be happy to have the serum in her purse. Does that mean she should have a serum?

19:55 Drew Viper bites are a little more in common than yeast infections.

19:58 Adam How dare you poke holes in my analogy? Please.

20:02 Drew You know what?

20:02 Adam Ann, I'm with you, baby.

20:04 Drew Thanks, Adam.

20:04 Adam Okay. Get a little yeasty on the peckeroo. All righty. Lara?

20:09 Yeah?

20:10 Adam You're 15?

20:11 Caller Yeah.

20:12 Adam You're on with 3 Doors Down. Oh, hi. These guys are disgusted, by the way. They've never heard such a debauchery on the radio. Oh, you're listening to Violent J? Yes. I love him. Oh, really? Don't say that. It's only going to give more momentum.

20:26 Whoa!

20:27 Adam Violent...

20:27 Oh, my God!

20:28 Caller Somebody hold the phones!

20:32 Drew Why, he's so mad.

20:34 Adam You guys hip to the Insane Clown Posse? No. Put it this way. If the Insane Clown Posse came to Mississippi, they'd be lynched immediately.

20:43 Drew Oh, yeah. They'd have to contain them.

20:45 Adam They'd be like a combo. They'd tar, feather, lynching, and then they'd take their dead bodies, pour honey on it, strap it to an anthill.

20:54 Drew Or beehive.

20:54 Adam Four-wheel drive. Oh, four-wheel drive. That's more Bayou Justice there. Something with a four-wheel drive. They'd be gone immediately. They only work in the inner city in Detroit and places like that. But Violent J was in here last night, hopped up on Vika and making an ass of himself.

21:11 Drew If he really was.

21:11 Adam But entertaining, that's for sure. Lara?

21:14 Drew All right.

21:14 Adam So what do you want?

21:19 Caller It's not really about sex, but my brother, he's a really big ass.

21:25 Adam Big a-hole, yeah.

21:26 Caller Yeah.

21:26 Caller Well, he's totally mean to everybody. I don't know if it's like drugs or something. I don't know if he'd do that, but he's mean to my parents and me all the time.

21:34 Adam Yeah.

21:35 Caller All right.

21:35 Adam How old is he?

21:36 Caller He's 15 more twins.

21:38 Drew When did this start?

21:40 Caller It's been going on and on. Like last week, he started being a real asshole.

21:43 Adam Oh, I see. So it's been going on for almost four days now? I see. Hey, who cares? It started last week.

21:51 Caller Well, Laura, it's been going on. He hit my mom and it's- Wow.

21:55 Drew Oh, no, no, no. Is there alcoholism?

21:58 Adam She had to get stitches?

22:00 Drew Is there alcoholism in your family?

22:02 Adam No, no. Here's what happened. Laura just said, he hit my mom and she had to go get stitches. It sounded like she said the S-word and Anderson potted her down or something. Anderson, get her back here, would you? There she is.

22:14 Drew She said stitches. Laura?

22:16 Caller Yeah.

22:17 Drew Is there alcoholism in your family anywhere?

22:18 Caller No, I'm adopted though.

22:20 Drew You both are adopted? Yeah. That's a positive history for addiction very commonly.

22:27 Caller I have another question. Okay, it's really stupid.

22:30 Adam Okay, well, hey, hey, hey, goofball. We didn't finish your first one, did we?

22:34 Caller Okay, yeah.

22:35 Drew I think your brother's doing, I suspect your brother's doing drugs. I really do.

22:38 Adam Well, he gave your mom, he smacked your mom, gave her stitches.

22:41 Drew Yeah. Stimulant speed.

22:42 Adam What is she doing about it?

22:44 Caller What?

22:44 Adam What is she doing about it?

22:46 Caller She doesn't, she avoids them.

22:47 Adam Well, listen, if I adopted a kid, first off, if I adopted a kid, I would wave that, I'm taking you back to the farm thing every week. Every week. A kid could be 25 and coming by with his wife. I'd be like, you didn't wipe your feet? I swear to Christ, I'll warm up the car, you'll be back at the farm. You'll be only 25-year-old with the family at the farm.

23:06 Drew The kid farm.

23:07 Adam You'll be back at the kid farm. Do you hear me? At the kid petting zoo. Every day, I would bring that up. You know what I would do if I adopted a kid? I make myself a fake certificate of adoption, right? A receipt. I would threaten to rip it up every time. I'd like light a cigarette. I'd be holding the match on it. You want me to burn this up? Because if this goes up, so does your career. Mr. I throw the Mr. and at the end, put the eye patch on.

23:35 Drew You haven't played this guy's song yet.

23:37 Caller Oh, yeah.

23:38 Drew Let's do that.

23:38 Adam You want to do that?

23:39 Drew Yeah.

23:39 Adam Well, do we finish with Laura? Laura has to tell her parents that they need to step up and take care of this kid. Wait, one second. One second. Laura, you need to tell your screwy parents that if they don't start disciplining this guy and creating consequences, he's going to kill somebody, maybe them. And they owe it to him and society to be parents.

24:01 Drew Get him evaluated. It sounds like he's doing speed. Speed is the drug of violence.

24:05 Caller Everyone could question. Me and my friends, we were all wondering, what does S and M mean?

24:10 Drew Sato masochism.

24:12 Okay.

24:13 Adam All righty.

24:14 Okay.

24:14 Adam That's good. Do a report on it on Monday at school, all right?

24:18 Caller Thank you.

24:18 Adam Fantastic. All right. 3 Doors Down is our guest tonight. We're going to hear, we're going to hear it, Kryptonite.

24:25 Caller Yeah?

24:26 Adam All right. Here it is. There you go. Three doors down, everybody. They're here. So as Drew, when we get back, we're gonna speak to Justin. He got freaked out during sex about getting STDs and stopped right in the middle of it. Not smooth. We'll be back after this.

28:31 1-800-LOVE-191.

29:05 Adam It is Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla, that is Dr. Drew. 3 Doors Down is the name of the band. Brad, Chris and Matt are all here. They're gonna be on The Tonight Show tomorrow night with Jay Leno, and we're just talking during the break about how bad other countries are. Mainly their soft drinks, and how their soft drinks just suck. They just suck. Like, you ever go to a falafel place or something, and you go, hey, give me a pep-de-o. We have panos. And you go, what's that? It's sour goat milk and carbonation. Very salty. Very good. You know, and you go, yogurt? Yogurt soft drink? Yes, yogurt. This is good. This is good. What's it taste like? Lemon, urine, vinegar. You know, you're like, why? This good, good soft drink. Everyone drinks it. You know, it's like, why? And then you go, you go to one of these, you go to a Mexican restaurant, they got this horchata stuff.

29:59 Drew Oh, yeah.

29:59 Adam Drink made out of rice.

30:01 Drew Yeah, yeah.

30:01 Adam Rice base, like rice milk with some, with some cane sugar in it and like a little honey.

30:07 Caller It's, it's every what?

30:09 Adam Listen, you screw balls. You listen to America. You get some Coke, you get some Pepsi, you get some grape soda and that's it.

30:15 Drew Grape soda?

30:16 Adam Yes.

30:16 Drew Root beer.

30:17 Adam Yeah, for the white trash in other countries.

30:19 Drew Mountain Dew?

30:21 Adam Yes. Mountain Dew for the white trash in other countries, which I believe there are. But enough with your sort of regional stuff. It's always a nightmare. These guys were just telling us about traveling and going abroad and having a soda that tasted like Kiwi and cantaloupe. Really, it's hard to get good stuff, isn't it? Yes, it is. Yeah. That's why when people come here from other countries, they just go nuts. They just drink coke. They just drink coke all day long. They just go insane.

30:51 Caller One thing that we've seen while we were overseas is no matter where you go and no matter if they really kind of like Americans or really you can kind of tell that they really just don't like Americans.

31:00 Adam Sure.

31:01 Caller Whether they like us or not, every country over there wants to be like us.

31:04 Adam Oh, yeah. Well, let me tell you what America is like. If the world was a high school, America would be like the homecoming queen. You know what I mean? The captain of the football team or the cheerleading team. The other kids are a little bit jealous. They turn their nose up. They talk behind our back. But they would trade places with us in a second to be sitting in the back of that big convertible Cadillac waving to the people as we do another lap around the dirt track at half time. There would love to be that instead of in the back of the stands eating stale popcorn, which is where they are. But sure, what do the girls, what do the fat ugly girls do? What do they say about the homecoming queen?

31:45 Caller Oh, look at her. She thinks she's so special.

31:48 Adam She's such a bitch. She's such a bitch. Look at her, wasting all that makeup and cutting down the rainforest.

31:54 Caller And you look at their shoes.

31:56 Adam That's right. I bet her mommy bought her those. Right, they're jealous. But would they trade places? You bet. In a hot second. Of course they would. And that's what the rest of the world is with the United States. They love to talk smack, but what are they doing? Meanwhile, they're stringing a bunch of sparkless bottles together so they can float over here, talking smack all the way. Please, float back to your country if you don't like this one. What other country do people float to, Drew? That's how you know you're a great country. People attempt to float to your country on prison mattresses and stuff without boats. By the way, you know you've got a great country when people are trying to make it across 50 miles of sea on basically a foam rubber seat cushion. A board. Yeah. They got an ironing board. They're trying to make it to your country. You know that's a good country. You name the other countries that people are trying to float to.

32:50 Drew Either yours is real good or theirs is real bad.

32:52 Adam It's all right. Touche, nobody's floating to those other countries. That's all I'm saying. That's right. You start talking smack when people start floating to your country.

33:02 Caller Thank you.

33:03 Adam Justin, you're 19.

33:06 Caller Yeah. I got a problem. That's why I'm calling you guys. My problem is every single time I'm bad at relationships, and my problem is because I get freaked out about STDs and stuff. The thing is when we first start kissing, I simply start thinking about herpes, mono, and all these diseases, and all of a sudden-

33:34 Adam Drew, you're going to write down gay?

33:35 Hold on, by the way.

33:38 Adam Drew, you don't have to write gay, because whenever you go for the pen, you write gay. There's a little piece of paper that Drew writes gay on, because he doesn't like to say it. But then I yell it over the air every time, so it defeats its purpose. But Drew, do you ever just get confused and you're sitting at some medical meeting and you grab for a pen and just write gay? Across a patient's piece of paper or something? Do you ever pick up a pen without first writing gay? All right. Let's take it back to Justin. Justin?

34:07 Caller Yeah?

34:08 Adam Might you be gay?

34:10 Caller No, of course I'm not, 100 percent not. But the thing is, I'm too worried about these issues.

34:16 Adam Wait a minute. Hold on.

34:17 Drew What are those pussies?

34:18 Adam Hold on. Hold on. First off, did you float over to this country? How did you get here? What's your nationality?

34:25 Caller What?

34:27 Adam What?

34:27 Caller I'm one of the ships.

34:28 Adam A ship. All right. You did float here.

34:31 Caller No, I didn't.

34:32 Adam No. Okay. Where are you from?

34:34 Caller I'm half Mexican, half American.

34:37 Adam I see. Okay. And you think you may be gay?

34:42 Caller Of course I'm not.

34:43 Adam Of course you're not?

34:44 Caller Uh-huh.

34:45 Adam Okay. Not even a little bit?

34:47 Caller No way.

34:48 Adam Why are you so freaked out about STDs?

34:50 Drew You're gay. Do you have other obsessive compulsion? Do you wash your hands excessively?

34:57 Caller Well, I actually I do, but this has nothing to do with that. But listen, for example, when I start kissing with a girl...

35:05 Drew How many times? Listen, Justin, why would I ask you this if it had nothing to do with it? How many times a day are you washing your hands?

35:11 Caller You know, every single time. Like as soon as I touch some other things...

35:15 Drew How many times a day?

35:18 Caller I never count them.

35:19 Drew Give me an estimate. 20? 200?

35:22 Caller Like around 20? 25?

35:24 Drew And do you have other rituals where you have to have utensils in a certain order? Flick light switches on and off a certain number of times?

35:31 Caller No, I'm a messy person. No.

35:33 Drew You're very messy. But you still have to go back and check things. You seem to...

35:37 Adam You're saying he's obsessive compulsive.

35:39 Drew He's severely obsessive compulsive.

35:40 Adam Hey Justin, that's the white part of you. That's not the Mexican part. The obsessive compulsive part? The part that scared the germs?

35:47 Drew There's medications for this, Justin. And I suggest you take advantage of that.

35:52 Caller Okay, but I mean, you know, when I'm in the middle of like having sex, it's like we skip the foreplay and everything. It's not about like, I don't like kissing, but you know, I'm not sure of this person. I don't trust the girl I meet. This is the thing.

36:07 Adam Yeah, but listen, you could dry hump a bottle of isopropyl out of rubbing alcohol. You'd still freak out. You got a problem. You're obsessive compulsive.

36:17 Drew You're such a pussy.

36:18 Adam Hey, hold on, Justin, let me explain. Part of your being obsessive compulsive is being defensive about it. You have a problem. We understand it translates into sex or into the bedroom, but it's bigger than that. There's medication and stuff.

36:34 Drew Do you pull your hair? Tear your hair out in little spots?

36:38 Caller No.

36:38 Drew Pick your skin?

36:41 Caller Not really.

36:41 Drew Pick your fingernails?

36:43 Caller No.

36:44 Adam All right. But you do wash your hands a lot.

36:47 Caller Yes, I do.

36:48 Adam All right.

36:49 Caller I think it's more likely to be clean.

36:53 Drew Justin, this is not normal.

36:55 Adam Don't you want to do something about this? What do you want to do? Do you want to rationalize it away?

37:00 Caller No, the thing is, no. What I wanted to know, is there is any way to find out if this girl is, you know...

37:06 Drew Justin, it won't matter. You're not going to be reassurable. You're going to freak out anyway.

37:13 Caller That depends, that depends.

37:14 Drew No, it doesn't.

37:15 Adam Jesus Christ. Listen, all you numbskulls. Don't call this show if you don't want to listen to us. You're obsessive-compulsive. Every time you're in contact with a woman, you're freaked out. You're picturing big germs swirling around your mouth, and herpes, and STDs, and syphilis, and whatnot. You have a problem. You go in, you get a little medication, you get adjusted, and you're fine. What do you want to do? Have the chick dipped before you bring her into your apartment? This guy could benefit from my crotch-sniffing dog by the way.

37:42 Drew Nothing would, even they wouldn't reassure him.

37:44 Adam Okay. Well, let me talk about that. Let me just tell you something. What is the opposite of obsessive-compulsive? What's a guy, you wonder what I do?

37:52 Drew You're the opposite.

37:53 Adam I scratch my ass all day without washing my hands, then I pick my nose, then I handle this microphone and rub up against every goddamn thing in this building, and when I'm driving home at night on the freeway, I steer with my knee and floss.

38:08 Drew And talk on the phone.

38:09 Adam My hands are like Calcutta at this point. You understand? God knows where they've been all day. I haven't washed them yet, and I got them both stuffed in my mouth while I'm going 70 miles an hour on the freeway, steering with my knee.

38:20 Drew You are going 70. You're going at least 85.

38:21 Adam 85, steering with my knee, and tonight, we're going to add an extra dimension to that because it's going to be raining.

38:28 Drew No, that's the point. Have you gotten anything yet?

38:30 Adam No. No. Although, look at me. Who knows? I think I'm dying. I want to say this, Drew. You guys haven't heard this theory, but I had a great idea. You can teach dogs to sniff anything. They can sniff coke. They can sniff weed. They can sniff explosives. They can sniff, I mean, what's like 5,000 times as sensitive as a man's, as a human's nose is, right? They could sniff crotches for STDs because stuff smells. It has its own smell. They're now training dogs to sniff out cancer. They can smell melanoma. They can smell it in the skin. Think about it.

39:08 Caller I actually didn't see something on that.

39:10 Adam Yeah. You get a cut. You get an infection. It's got a smell to it. You got a woman who's got a little funk going on down there, a little problem, a little yeasty, a little what have you. They all have their own smell.

39:21 Drew What would the dog do as it walked by?

39:23 Adam First off, a dog is naturally attracted to a woman's crotch anyway, right? I mean, they're right there. You get that border collie. All they do is put their head up the right in the crotch. You know what I'm saying? No. They take a little sniff and you put them by the door of your apartment. When the dates come in, chicks love dogs. You don't have to have a sweater on the dog that says, venereal sniffing dog on it. Isn't that's my dog. Come in, she pet. Now, if the dog smells something, he starts going a little baddy just like he would at the airport when he's sniffing a suitcase full of heroin. You know because he's like chasing his tail or something. You're tipped off and you go, hey, Rex, come here, bye. Let me put him away. What time is it?

40:04 Caller Geez, I got to get up early for work.

40:06 Adam Let me call you a cab.

40:08 Caller Right.

40:08 Adam You've just avoided the entire situation. That's perfect.

40:12 Caller Nothing weird.

40:13 Adam You don't have that weird. You don't get the disease or get that weird conversation right before you go in. Hold on. I'm going to talk to you about something. Always bad. You know what I mean? They could teach dogs to sniff out venereal diseases. Why don't they?

40:28 Drew Dogs are a thousand times more sensitive to their sense of smell.

40:32 Adam Right.

40:32 Drew Why do they put their nose into it?

40:34 Adam Yes. Why do they stuff their face right into the pile of duke at the park?

40:39 Drew Thousand times more sensitive.

40:40 Adam Meanwhile, I'm 20 yards away chasing a frisbee about to faint because the dog just laid a turd over there. These dogs got their nose in it. I believe it starts smelling like pizza eventually. You know what I'm saying?

40:53 Drew It's a different experience. At five thousand times intensity, it's lilacs.

40:57 Right, right.

40:59 Adam Very good point, Drew. Thank you. Alright, we'll take a little break. Three Doors Down is our guest tonight. When we come back, we'll talk to Tracy. Boyfriend masturbates every day. She feels she's not doing her job.

41:11 Caller Talk to her after this.

41:13 Loveline. Loveline.

41:15 3 Doors Down 1-800-LOVE-191.

41:17 We'll be right back.

41:51 Adam Ah, there they are. That's them. 3 Doors Down. Brad, Chris, Matt are all here from the band. They're gonna be on The Tonight Show tomorrow night. Drew, you've been doing the show for 15, 17 years.

42:06 Drew Right.

42:07 Adam How many times have you done The Tonight Show?

42:08 Drew Oh, just, oh, none.

42:12 Adam Fascinating. These guys left Mississippi on Tuesday and they're heading right, heading right for The Tonight Show. How does it make you feel?

42:23 Drew Carrot Top's been on 20 times.

42:24 Adam Carrot Top's been on Tonight Show 300 times. This will be our second time. You've been on zero. Oh, you've been on, oh, Drew. I've never been on either. Drew, you've never been on Letterman, though.

42:34 Drew No, but I've got a date supposedly.

42:36 Adam Oh, really?

42:36 Drew We'll see.

42:37 Adam It ain't going to happen.

42:38 Drew They're not just the name one.

42:39 Adam No way. At least I've never done Leto either, but I have done Letterman.

42:42 Caller I can say that.

42:43 Adam All right. How do I look? See that, Drew? Everyone saw me. All right. We'll hear something else from 3 Doors Down for the night is true. But we're going to hop on the phones right now and get back to Tracy who's 26. Tracy.

43:01 3 Doors Down Hi. How are you?

43:02 Good.

43:04 3 Doors Down First, I'd like to say that Dr. Drew, I have seen you on that guy show and you are fine.

43:09 Drew Guy show?

43:10 Adam Talking about the man show?

43:11 3 Doors Down Yeah, that show.

43:12 Adam Yeah.

43:12 Drew You mean Adam.

43:13 3 Doors Down I love you guys, 3 Doors Down. You guys are great. Thank you.

43:16 Adam Hold on. Did you see Adam on the man show or Dr. Drew on the man show?

43:20 3 Doors Down It was Dr. Drew.

43:22 Adam Was he appearing on it?

43:23 3 Doors Down Yeah, he appeared on it. I'm pretty sure it was him.

43:26 Adam What did he do?

43:27 3 Doors Down I can't really remember. It was a long time ago.

43:30 Adam Yeah.

43:30 3 Doors Down But he was pretty good looking.

43:32 Drew Okay, great.

43:33 Adam Thank you.

43:33 3 Doors Down Well, look, I've got a really big problem.

43:35 Adam Pinsk is such a vivid picture.

43:36 Drew I know. I don't want you to let anybody get a compliment by you now, okay?

43:40 Adam I'm just curious what... All right.

43:44 Drew There were three memorable moments I spent on your show.

43:47 Adam I thought you were only on it twice.

43:48 Drew I mean, minutes.

43:49 Adam Okay. Go ahead.

43:51 3 Doors Down It was really brief that I saw him.

43:52 Adam Good. Did a guy shoot snakes out of his ass?

43:56 3 Doors Down I don't really remember. I just remember seeing Dr. Drew and remembering him from Crab Radio.

44:01 Adam Were you high?

44:03 3 Doors Down No, I don't get high. Sorry.

44:05 Adam Okay.

44:05 3 Doors Down All right.

44:05 Adam Forget it.

44:06 3 Doors Down But I have this really big problem and I need your help. I'm 26 years old. And I think that I'm really good looking. I'm about 5'5. I've got blonde hair, green eyes. I'm about 125, 130 pounds.

44:20 Adam You're overweight. Hold on. Let me do the radio math. 5'5, 125 to 130 you say? Bob, you're screwing up my radio math.

44:31 3 Doors Down I have a big bosom.

44:32 Adam Shush. I'm trying to hash this out. Hold on. I'll get an erection later.

44:36 Drew Hold on.

44:38 Adam So I got 5'2, 3'4, 141.

44:42 Drew You're fat. It's not bad.

44:44 Adam Yeah. It's still not too bad. That's how it works out at the radio. Listen, any chick who says she's 125, 130 on the radio is at least 140.

44:52 3 Doors Down No, I'm not.

44:53 Adam How dare you?

44:54 Caller I'm not.

44:55 3 Doors Down But if you guys want to say that, that's fine.

44:56 Caller All right.

44:57 Adam Well, we just did. But you have a big rack?

44:59 3 Doors Down I do. Actually, I do. Yes.

45:00 Adam What do you have? Do you have a D cup?

45:03 3 Doors Down Yes.

45:03 Adam Really?

45:04 Caller Bouncy, bouncy.

45:05 Adam D.

45:05 3 Doors Down They're all mine. So I didn't have to pay for them or anything.

45:08 Caller They just grew there.

45:09 Adam Really?

45:09 3 Doors Down Yeah. But I have a really big problem. I need you guys to help me.

45:14 Caller All right.

45:14 Drew Here we go.

45:15 3 Doors Down Okay. My boyfriend and I, we've been together for about a year and a half. Over the past year and a half, every once in a while, he'd joke around and say that he was going to go jack off or masturbate. Sorry. And it really bothered me because we have really good sex. And well, the past week, in the past seven days, I had caught him four times in the bathroom masturbating.

45:43 Adam Four times?

45:44 3 Doors Down Yeah.

45:44 Caller And you know what the thing that is?

45:45 Adam This guy is going to make a horrible criminal, can you imagine? Four times in the last seven days, he gets going, wagging off. Are you sure you're catching him or he's just in there taking a shower and you think he's going in?

45:55 3 Doors Down I catch him and he's not shameful at all. He's not afraid to admit it.

45:59 Adam He doesn't lock the door?

46:01 3 Doors Down Well, no. And he's not shameful at all.

46:04 Drew This is less than shameful. This is like exhibitionism. He wants you to find him.

46:07 3 Doors Down It's something.

46:08 Adam You just walk in and he's spanking away?

46:11 3 Doors Down Yeah. First he tells me that he needs to be really clean. He has to wash it really good.

46:18 Adam Using a tub of lubriderm and a Playboy?

46:21 3 Doors Down I was wondering why he wanted to replace my body wash so much. And it's really starting to bother me.

46:26 Adam Wait a minute. Wait a minute now.

46:28 3 Doors Down For a guy who massages so much, why does he only last two minutes when we have sex?

46:33 Drew That's interesting. Wow.

46:35 3 Doors Down Yeah. If you're doing it that much, then you should at least go at least 15 or 20.

46:40 Drew Yeah. Yeah. You would think.

46:41 Adam Yeah.

46:41 Drew Good point.

46:42 Adam Tracy, I deserve that. Yes.

46:45 Drew I deserve that.

46:45 Adam I'd give you a three.

46:47 Caller I want to know how you get caught four times in a week.

46:50 Adam Yeah. Really? Listen, if I whacked off on my roof, I wouldn't get busted that much. The flare in my ass. I wouldn't get popped that many times. Jesus Christ. Are you kidding? That's my entire masturbatory career. I made it through high school, semester of junior college, 150 roommates without getting caught four times. This guy gets popped four times. That's like getting four DUIs in the same day.

47:13 Exactly.

47:14 Adam You really got to be some kind of a-hole. But the thing I like about Tracy, she's mad. She's mad. Wait a second. Tracy? Now listen, he was in the shower.

47:26 3 Doors Down Well, no. The last time I caught him, he wasn't in the shower. He had his foot in front of the bathroom door because our door doesn't lock.

47:33 Adam Oh, man.

47:34 3 Doors Down Yeah. I knew what he was doing because the lotion was sitting right there and he wouldn't let me in. And I was really mad after that. I mean, it's like he packed a tube of Copenhagen in his lip and then ran off to the bathroom. I don't see his ass look on his face.

47:47 Adam I was about to say white trash, but now I'm going Elbino trash. First off, anybody who doesn't have a lock on their bathroom doors, white trash, which means either never had one or you got kicked in while you guys were on a fight.

48:02 3 Doors Down No, no, it's nothing like that.

48:04 Adam Why is there no lock on the bathroom door?

48:06 3 Doors Down I don't know. We just moved him in here like six months ago and the bathroom door doesn't lock. Why would you need to lock your bathroom door? Why would you need to masturbate so much when your girlfriend is so damn fine?

48:15 Adam Well first off, she's a pain in the ass and gives me a headache. That's why.

48:19 3 Doors Down I am not a pain in the ass.

48:20 Adam Yes. Jesus Christ. You never stop talking. You're probably driving the guy insane. You know why? He's intimidated. He can't take that incessant yapping and he's scared. He wants to be left alone. Let me tell you something. The bathroom is like the fortress of solitude for Superman. That's where you go to retreat. That's where you go to get away from it all. It's sad that that's the last place a man can go. But when you're living with Tracy, it's bad. I know she's got a good rack, she's good looking, but she's yapping and can't hear it anymore.

48:50 Drew When we get back, you have to tell Tracy more about the male masturbatory habits, OK? And the wheezes perception of it.

48:58 Adam What's the wheeze?

48:59 Drew Sex as compared to masturbation.

49:00 Adam No, no, that's snake. That's right. It's good, but it's not the real thing.

49:04 Drew There you go.

49:04 Adam Yes. We'll be back.

49:08 Hello.

49:09 Drew This is Loveline.

49:10 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline will be right back.

49:44 Adam Yeah, it is Loveline, Adam Corolla, he is Dr. Drew. Grant, Chris, and Matt are all here from 3 Doors Down.

49:52 Caller I was supposed to let him go after the first break, but I forgot.

49:57 Adam I know it's very convenient, but I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to take a few more calls, and the guys will hang just till this break. And then Drew, you remind me, we'll play a song and we'll do all that stuff. Because these guys are in the middle of a very, very hectic schedule. Oh, that's right. Tracy.

50:14 3 Doors Down Yes.

50:15 Adam All right. So you're 26. He grabs his plug and heads right to the John, and doesn't want to deal with you. But here's what I'm saying.

50:24 3 Doors Down Can I at least say something?

50:26 Adam Oh, yes.

50:27 3 Doors Down I don't nag at him. I don't, we hardly ever talk about anything. I bottle things up inside until I get really mad, and then I talk to other people about it.

50:36 Adam Right.

50:36 3 Doors Down So he doesn't really know how I feel.

50:38 Adam Yeah, but he gets the vibe, which is you're in a constant state of dissatisfaction.

50:43 3 Doors Down We have really good facts until this, you know? What am I supposed to do? And he told me the last time I caught him was because he saw a fine blonde with a big ass on TV, and he had to go in the bathroom and ejaculate.

50:55 Drew Well, now, wait a minute. You said he's only two minutes, and it's too short for you.

50:59 Adam Who is this?

51:00 Caller Sir Walter Raleigh?

51:01 Caller He is all class, this guy.

51:03 Drew No white trash here.

51:04 Adam Tony Randall? Who is this?

51:05 3 Doors Down You gotta see how confused I am.

51:08 Drew We got that. We got the confused piece.

51:10 Adam Hey, listen, hold on. And by the way, just I want to give a heads up to all guys who get popped for whacking off. Just take it. Don't offer up the explanation. Oh, hear me out.

51:22 Drew Pamela Lee was...

51:23 Adam I just dream I raped this bitch when I was taking a nap at work. I mean, just don't just you got popped. Leave it alone. Don't keep going because you're digging in deeper now. We already know you're whacking off. We now we've got to know your innermost secret. And let me tell you something. If you got popped by your wife or girlfriend for whacking off, you sure as hell better weave her in to the reason you were whacking off. Don't say your ex-girlfriend Tammy called or you were watching the Spice Channel. You better weave her in. And that's the only excuse that's gonna work. I saw some hot blonde on TV.

52:04 3 Doors Down I told them to at least learn how to lie, you know?

52:07 Adam Thank you.

52:08 Drew But where is the great sex? I thought you said he was good for three minutes.

52:14 Adam Sometimes.

52:15 3 Doors Down I guess he must have whacked off twice that day when we do have good sex. I don't know.

52:19 Adam You're angry and he's an idiot. Why don't you guys break up for you?

52:22 3 Doors Down I don't want to break up with him. We love each other. I just want to know why he has to go whack off.

52:26 Adam You have a beautiful symbiotic relationship. He whacks off, you catch him.

52:31 It works perfectly.

52:32 Drew Guys will tend to continue doing that even when they're in a good relationship, a good physical relationship.

52:38 3 Doors Down Dr. Drew, please tell me why.

52:41 Caller Because it's fun.

52:42 Adam Thank you, Brad. Brad could no longer bite his lip.

52:45 3 Doors Down It's fun for me too, but I wouldn't get caught.

52:49 Adam You do it?

52:49 3 Doors Down I have this great little water trick.

52:51 Adam Oh yeah, you're in the top two. Between the two of you, you must have quite a bill in the Department of Water and Power. Listen, the shower whacking off an hour and a half in the day. You've got your legs akimbo under the faucet in the tub. Hey Tracy, listen, you guys got to start communicating. You both sound like pains in the ass. What does he do? Work construction?

53:13 3 Doors Down No, actually he's a...

53:14 Adam Drive something heavy?

53:16 3 Doors Down He's a wind turbine consultant.

53:18 Adam Really?

53:19 3 Doors Down Yeah.

53:20 Adam What does that mean?

53:21 3 Doors Down You know those wind towers that go around in the desert?

53:23 Adam Right.

53:24 3 Doors Down Yeah.

53:25 Adam And he consults it?

53:26 3 Doors Down Yeah.

53:27 Adam Yeah. Yeah. It needs another coat of primer. That's his consulting. He's no scientist.

53:32 3 Doors Down A little bit faster.

53:33 Adam All right. So listen, he's jacking off a storm too. You better just... You know what? I'll tell you what you need to do, Tracy. Listen, now, instead of turning this in, you becoming McGruff, the whack stopping crime dog, don't turn it into a game. Why don't you just sit him down and go, listen, baby, I love you, you love me. Things have been a little bit shaky. Now we've turned against each other. Listen, you whack off whenever you feel like it. Leave the door open. That's fine. And I'll do it when I want and we'll come together. I bet you if you give the guy a little breathing room, he's not going to retreat to the bathroom.

54:11 Drew And let him know how you feel about it. And that's disturbing. And then try to work... See if the physical relationship can be better worked out. Work together on this thing.

54:19 Adam You guys know what I'm talking about. When it feels like you're being cornered by a woman, guys of that way...

54:26 Drew When you feel quiet, you go jack off?

54:28 Caller You jack off.

54:28 Adam What I do is I jack off once I blind them and then I run. I'm like Spider-Man with his web.

54:35 Drew Defense Jack.

54:36 Caller That's right.

54:38 Adam Jack in flight, I call it. Yeah, it's a quick quick shot to the eye. And then I scurry between their legs. Jackie Chan. That's the maneuver I call it. When I'm drunk, it takes a little focus. Like if I'm in a bar and the bouncer is trying to, you know, I got to really focus. I really got to bear it out, especially if they're playing like country music or something. I really got to focus. But I can usually get off before I get to the door, blind my sailor and scurry off to my car. No, guys freak out when women come after them. And women come after them even harder. So she's coming after him more and he's retreating. And he's hiding in the bathroom basically. And he's probably whacking off more with her coming after him. She needs to just back off. Give him a little room.

55:23 Caller Alright, Fred?

55:25 Drew Sleeping.

55:28 Adam Jesus.

55:29 Caller What is that?

55:29 Adam Twice in two nights? Twice this week? No greater insult has ever been paid to a host than going. Would it be 20% of our callers are sleeping when we get to that? It always comes right after one of my tie-rates. You notice that, Drew?

55:44 Drew Shocking.

55:44 Adam It really rubs it in. I mean, think about that. I go on some ten-minute jag about retreating, masturbation, wagging off.

55:52 Caller Everybody's asleep.

55:53 Adam Guys, I come to the next guy.

55:55 Caller Boring.

55:58 Adam Oh, man. You guys are lucky I'm secure. I'd really lash out against you, right, Drew? All right. Fred, is Fred sleeping? Listen, he's been on hold for 71 minutes. If you're going to sleep on this show, you have to do a...

56:11 Drew You have to snore...

56:11 Adam .a novelty snore so we can make fun of you while you're asleep, which does happen, too, and then check back with you while you're snoring. Rebecca?

56:21 Caller Hi.

56:21 Adam You're 20. What's up?

56:23 Caller I have a question for Dr. Drew.

56:25 Caller I have bumpy nipples. I've had this condition since I was about 14. They're kind of like pimples or black pores. I'm wondering what they are, what causes them, and what I can do to get rid of them. Yikes.

56:41 Drew I don't think you can do anything to get rid of them. Those are normal.

56:44 Adam They're sort of like around the perimeter, the areola.

56:47 Caller Yeah.

56:47 Drew Yeah. Those are normal. It's a sebaceous gland.

56:50 Adam A lot of chicks have that.

56:51 Caller I like that. It's nice.

56:54 Caller So there's nothing I can do?

56:55 Drew Adam looks for that.

56:56 Adam Yeah. It's one of my requirements.

56:58 Caller Really?

56:58 Caller Yeah.

57:00 Yeah.

57:01 Adam I remember once I was banging the supermodel, but she didn't have bumpy nipples, and I was like, deal breaker.

57:07 Caller Poor fellow.

57:07 Caller Sorry. Sorry, honey.

57:09 Deal's off.

57:10 Adam I'm going in the bathroom with my red man.

57:12 Caller I'm going to whack off.

57:14 Adam Put my foot in front of the door. Listen, everyone, get a lock on your bathroom door.

57:18 There's nothing.

57:19 Adam Hold on. If you guys ever done it, be honest. You've done that whack off and brace the door maneuver? Like you're in the tour bus or something?

57:26 Drew Leaving to get to the door.

57:27 Adam You're at work, you're in a plane, you're somewhere.

57:30 Drew It's like, here's what I got to do.

57:31 Adam I got to block the door and see if I can bust in that. Let's see if I can do it here. The only guy I can do it. I'll wedge my boot against the door, I've still got my left hand free for the magazine. No, wait a minute. I use my left hand to hold the door. I'll hold the magazine with my foot. I'll jack off with my ear. The guy's like, steadying the door and jacking off. Why don't you just run in place and jack off?

57:55 You know what I mean?

57:57 Adam Get a $5 barrel bolt down at the hardware store and put the thing in with a butter knife, for Christ's sake. And jack off like a man, with some dignity, right, Drew? You say all the time, jack off with dignity.

58:11 Drew Yeah, that's one of the things I... Phrases I coined, in fact. Proud of the phrases I coined.

58:14 Adam You've got a towel wedged into the bottom of the door, or bar soap or something, so you can't get in while you're trying to jack off. That's horrible. That's no man.

58:23 Caller What are we talking about?

58:24 Drew We're letting these guys go.

58:25 Caller Oh, yeah, yeah.

58:26 Adam With the nipples?

58:27 Drew Yeah.

58:27 Adam That's fine, right?

58:28 Caller Yeah, there's bumps.

58:29 Adam You can't get rid of them.

58:30 Drew You can't get rid of them.

58:30 Adam It's no big deal, though.

58:31 Drew That's normal, yeah.

58:32 Adam All right. We're going to hear another song from 3 Doors Down. What are we going to hear, dear?

58:36 Drew Loser.

58:37 Adam There it is.

58:37 Drew But they're going to leave now.

58:39 Adam During the song?

58:40 Drew Yeah. I'm shocked, aren't you? But you guys heard the song?

58:43 Caller I've heard it a couple of times.

58:43 Adam You don't want to check out the song?

58:45 Drew All right, guys.

58:46 Adam I do want to thank you for coming out and hanging out and staying longer than you were slated to.

58:51 Caller Thank you all for having us.

58:51 Caller We had a good time.

58:52 Adam We do appreciate it. And come back anytime.

58:55 Caller Thoroughly enjoyable.

58:56 Adam Good.

58:56 Caller Good.

58:57 Adam And check out the band tomorrow night on The Tonight Show and now check out Loser. There you go, everyone. 3 Doors Down. Nice guys.

1:02:53 Drew Yeah, they're nice guys. They remind me of like a verve pipe a little bit. Midwestern, southern, nice.

1:03:00 Adam Yeah. Of course, we'll see them next year. The piercings and hanging around with porn stars. We'll be doing a bunch of, I asked Drew if he could score them some medicinal blow. That'd be a good name for a band.

1:03:16 Drew Medicinal blow.

1:03:17 Adam Yeah. What do you think about that?

1:03:19 Drew Yeah, could have multiple intents.

1:03:21 Adam Yeah, nice. What is that like medical cocaine? Is that real good cocaine?

1:03:26 Drew Real like pure bread, pure stuff? I don't know actually how to compare it to what's on the street. It's about the same, I think.

1:03:32 Adam Coke's cheap. Now's the time to get into Coke.

1:03:37 Drew Maybe stockpile it and sell it again later when the price goes up.

1:03:40 Adam That's what I'm doing. I mean, hey, in 1984, 1985, when I was making $6.50 an hour digging ditches, Coke was $120 bucks a gram, right?

1:03:53 Drew What's it now?

1:03:54 Adam I think Coke is like $35 bucks.

1:03:57 Drew Wow.

1:03:58 Adam What's an eight ball?

1:03:58 Caller Seven?

1:03:59 Adam No, three grams. Wait a minute.

1:04:01 Caller Eight?

1:04:02 Adam Eight? Is that an eight? How many grams an eight ball? Three and a half? Three and a half grams? Come on, don't play stupid, Drew. You used to deal. What is it?

1:04:10 Drew Something like that.

1:04:11 Adam Three and a half grams an eight ball, right? Yeah. An eight ball, maybe it's seven. Somebody call up and tell me how many grams are in an eight ball. I think three and a half, and it used to be like 500 bucks for an eight ball. There's nothing. Now, it's like 120 bucks. It's like crazy cheap. I make good money now. I get back into that Coke. Can you write that down, make me a note or something?

1:04:32 Drew That trick should scare you as far as your heart goes. A lot of evidence of the damages of the inner surface of the heart.

1:04:37 Adam Coke? Yeah. I'm just going to do it for like a weekend. Big weekend kind of thing.

1:04:43 Drew Make sure you smoke it.

1:04:44 Adam Do you like a strawberry thing? Smoke it. Right.

1:04:47 Drew That really figures some weird crap in your brain.

1:04:50 Adam Brianna?

1:04:50 Yeah.

1:04:51 Adam You're 22? What's up?

1:04:53 Caller Okay.

1:04:54 Caller First of all, I wanted to say that dirty Mexican that called in, the one that's obsessed with compulsive. Yeah. Why is he like that? Because Mexicans would drink toilet water.

1:05:02 Adam Oh, please. How dare you? You're so right. How dare you?

1:05:08 Caller I don't know so much.

1:05:09 Adam How dare you? What's that? Listen, Brianna, I told you the part... I didn't say Mexicans were dirty, but listen, I've been to Mexico. They eat hot dogs that have been cooked off of modified shopping carts with propane tanks. These aren't obsessive-compulsive people.

1:05:23 Caller I know.

1:05:23 Adam I said that was the white part of him that was obsessive-compulsive. I have Mexican in my blood when it comes to cleanliness. I'll tell you that right now. Thank you.

1:05:32 Caller Okay.

1:05:33 Caller Well, anyway, and then there's that girl, Tracy, that just called...

1:05:35 Adam They drink toilet water?

1:05:37 Caller Yeah? She said she wasn't chunky. I'm 5'5, and I weigh 140 pounds, but I'm 9.5.

1:05:42 Caller 9.8 of one's pregnant, so I'm chunky.

1:05:44 Adam That's right, baby. That's right. You're beautiful.

1:05:46 Caller So she's chunky.

1:05:47 Caller But anyway...

1:05:48 Caller I'm kind of like chunky.

1:05:50 Adam You don't like Mexicans and you don't like chicks. Who else don't you like?

1:05:54 Caller Nobody right now. I'm pregnant.

1:05:55 Adam Okay, baby. You sound like you got a little white trash in you.

1:05:59 Caller No.

1:06:00 Adam Where you calling from? Texas? Arizona?

1:06:03 Caller Cincinnati.

1:06:04 Adam Cincinnati? I knew it. Tons of Mexicans in there. They tunneled to Cincinnati from through the border. You know that, Drew?

1:06:11 Drew Brianna, what's going on? What do you want?

1:06:12 Caller I want to know how to break my water because I'm miserable. How to get... How you can do that?

1:06:16 Drew Do not do that. Are you on your mind?

1:06:19 Adam She's kind of, yeah. Nine and a half months pregnant?

1:06:23 Drew What does your opposition tell you about what to expect?

1:06:27 Caller Um, the um, fourth?

1:06:29 Drew Fourth of November. That's your due date?

1:06:32 Caller Yeah.

1:06:33 Drew All right. Wait till you're due.

1:06:35 Adam Wait a minute, wait a minute. If you're nine and a half months pregnant, how's your due date November 4th?

1:06:40 Caller Because you're carrying for ten months.

1:06:42 Adam You do?

1:06:43 Caller For forty weeks, yeah.

1:06:44 Drew It's a lunar calendar.

1:06:45 Adam I thought you carried for nine months. Forty weeks.

1:06:49 Drew You complete nine months.

1:06:51 Adam Oh, you complete nine months. Okay. But when people say, you never hear people say I'm ten months pregnant.

1:06:58 Drew Yeah.

1:06:58 Adam You never hear them say I'm nine months pregnant.

1:06:59 Drew Yeah, I'm nine months pregnant.

1:07:01 Adam So what is that? Is she on her eighth and a half months through normal conversation? She's normal.

1:07:08 Drew She's normal.

1:07:09 Adam Yeah. She's before her due date.

1:07:11 Drew Here's the deal with her trying to break my life. Drew, what are you doing?

1:07:13 Adam Making love to it? I'm not doing anything. Stop making love to it.

1:07:16 Drew Look, that's the damn mic again.

1:07:18 Adam Now listen, Anderson, these things have sounded like S the whole week. How dare you make fun of my partner, Drew, for making love to the microphone. But Drew, when did you decide to inhale that mic? Sit up straight.

1:07:29 Drew Look, it's not, is that better? You're doing something? You were too close. One of the things that can happen if the water breaks, no, it's, I mean, be closer.

1:07:38 Adam No, you need to go about three inches from the mic. All right.

1:07:41 Drew It is that the, if the water breaks suddenly, the baby can descend rapidly and actually hit the cord and cut the blood supply off. It's really a bad situation.

1:07:50 Adam All right.

1:07:51 Drew If you do something like that.

1:07:52 Adam So 40 weeks.

1:07:54 Drew Get infections. She's got to be kidding. The baby can die.

1:07:57 Adam They have 40 weeks. That's 10 months? Okay. I forgot about all this stuff. I never, actually, I never knew it. Brianna? All right. So you do, just hold out. Where's your, where's, I was going to say where's your husband, but where's your boyfriend or strange lover, whoever it is?

1:08:15 Caller Right here.

1:08:16 Adam Yes. When are you guys getting married?

1:08:19 Caller We were supposed to like two months ago, but I didn't want to be fat.

1:08:24 Caller We put it off till next year.

1:08:25 Adam I see. Is everything okay? Is he working and stuff?

1:08:29 Caller Yes.

1:08:29 Drew What's he doing?

1:08:30 Caller Who, me?

1:08:31 Adam What's he doing? You're pregnant.

1:08:33 Caller Oh.

1:08:35 Caller Where does he work?

1:08:36 Adam Yeah. What's he do?

1:08:38 Caller He is an executive at P&G.

1:08:40 Adam Oh, P&G? Potato and jammies? Potato and...

1:08:44 Drew Peanut butter and...

1:08:49 Adam Where?

1:08:49 Caller What's P&G? Procter & Gamble.

1:08:50 Adam Procter & Gamble? Wow. Are they based in Cincinnati?

1:08:54 Caller Yeah.

1:08:55 Adam Ah, there you go. So everyone knows what it is over there. All right, good. He's doing a good job over there? How did that big actor strike affect Procter & Gamble? You know, they wanted people to boycott the product. Yeah, that went over. That went over like gangbusters for all the people. All the people who go to work in factories every day. Yeah, we're gonna stand united by the actors. That's great. Hey, there's a handful of gay guys in Hollywood in mock turtleneck. I'm getting with them. Come on, guys. I'm talking to all the other guys in the floor of the factory. Come on. Let's get behind them. Hey, let's see. There's Sissy Spacek and who's the guy?

1:09:37 Caller Who's that gay guy with the beard?

1:09:39 Adam Nathan Lane and he's the other guy.

1:09:42 Caller Who's the guy?

1:09:43 Adam He was from Seinfeld. He says we should go on strike. Yeah, we should boycott Procter & Gamble. Yeah, I'm sure that worked. David?

1:09:52 Caller Yeah.

1:09:53 Adam You're 25?

1:09:54 Caller Yeah.

1:09:54 Caller What's up?

1:09:56 Caller Just calling to answer your question.

1:09:58 Caller Yeah, yeah.

1:09:58 Adam How many grams in an 8-ball?

1:10:00 Caller Three and a half because an 8-ball is an eighth of an ounce. Right.

1:10:04 Adam Okay.

1:10:05 Drew All right.

1:10:05 Adam Hold on a second. How does it work, by the way, that I say three and a half, two or three times, and then Walfle between three and a half and seven, and then when he says three and a half, Drew goes, yeah, that's what I said.

1:10:17 Drew No, I said three and a half when you said three and a half.

1:10:19 Adam How does it work that I say three and a half five times and you sit there and go, I don't know.

1:10:23 Drew I don't know.

1:10:23 Adam And then the guy calls it, yeah, three and a half.

1:10:25 Drew Yeah, that sounds about right.

1:10:26 Adam Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, that's what I said.

1:10:28 Caller I wrote it down.

1:10:29 Adam I wrote it down, said my card's in my glove box. Check it. It's a mason jar in my glove box.

1:10:32 Caller Go open it up.

1:10:33 Adam Dated 1977. Drew, I said three and a half, five times, you didn't say anything.

1:10:39 Drew I said, how dare you?

1:10:40 Caller How dare you?

1:10:41 Drew I don't know that.

1:10:41 Caller How dare you?

1:10:44 Caller That's the reason.

1:10:45 Drew For this 28 grams an ounce?

1:10:46 Adam Three and a half. Yeah. And I said, right.

1:10:48 Caller That's where it comes from, eight ball.

1:10:50 Caller Right.

1:10:51 Adam So it's three and a half grams is an eight ounce.

1:10:54 Caller Just about, yeah.

1:10:55 Caller Right, right.

1:10:56 Adam Okay. What's an eight ball going for these days?

1:10:58 Caller I don't know if I can say. I guess I was probably doing it more in the, when you were doing it, maybe ten years ago.

1:11:05 So I'm more used to those.

1:11:07 Adam You were 15?

1:11:08 Caller 16.

1:11:09 Adam How much was it when you were 16?

1:11:11 Caller I was in New York at the time. It was like 350 to 400, depending on how much you could get it for. You could usually get a decent gram for about a hundred bucks. So three and a half would probably, a good price would be about 300. Right.

1:11:23 Caller All right.

1:11:23 Adam Thanks, Dave.

1:11:24 Caller You're right.

1:11:24 Adam Appreciate it.

1:11:25 Caller All right.

1:11:25 Adam Listen, anyone wants to know how much I can score an eight ball for? I want to call. I've heard you can get eight ball for like 175 bucks or something. You can. Oh, you're still there?

1:11:36 Caller I'm feeling a goof ball, yeah.

1:11:39 Adam Well, you can get it.

1:11:40 Caller You can.

1:11:41 Adam 150? Hey, a guy like me has got his own show, probably go 125.

1:11:45 Caller Actually more like 175 for you.

1:11:47 Adam Yeah. All right, buddy.

1:11:49 Caller All right. All right.

1:11:49 Adam Listen, you're not getting high with me right now.

1:11:52 Caller Not right now. No.

1:11:53 Adam All right. I guess he had a little trouble. Back when I was doing it 10 years ago, it's 25. Yeah. Back in the 10th grade, we ride our bikes and go get an eight ball. Yeah. Yeah.

1:12:06 Drew All right, pops. Let's go to break.

1:12:07 Adam It's like waxing nostalgic about it.

1:12:09 Drew This is a bad conversation.

1:12:10 Adam All right. You're P.O.ed because I yelled at you about the eight ball.

1:12:13 Drew I don't like discussing drug prices.

1:12:15 Adam With your Cavalier.

1:12:16 Drew It's troublesome.

1:12:16 Adam Three and a half.

1:12:17 Caller Yeah, that's what I thought.

1:12:18 Drew No, that's what we have to write.

1:12:20 Adam I just want people. I'm trying to illustrate how bad drugs are by how cheap they are and what a bargain they are. That's all I'm saying, Drew. You know what I mean? You see what I'm trying to do?

1:12:30 Drew Yeah, I see.

1:12:31 Adam I'm trying to say you could afford it, but can you really afford it, man?

1:12:37 Drew Okay, man.

1:12:38 Adam You know what I'm saying?

1:12:38 Drew You talk like that, man. I don't even know you, man.

1:12:40 Adam It's like I don't even know you when you talk that way, man.

1:12:44 Caller Take a break.

1:12:47 Drew Hello?

1:12:48 Caller This is Loveline.

1:12:49 Caller 1-800-LOVE-1-9-1. Loveline will be right back.

1:12:53 Adam It's like I don't even know you, man. I'm suing my parents after that conversation I just had with you, Drew. You want in?

1:13:24 Drew I can join in on that, too.

1:13:25 Adam Here's how you join in on my lawsuit, my class action lawsuit against my parents. Here's the way you do it, Drew. You say that your life has been destroyed by hearing me complain for the last five years.

1:13:37 Drew There's something to this.

1:13:37 Adam You see what I'm saying?

1:13:38 Drew Yeah, I'm getting turning into oatmeal brain.

1:13:41 Adam Your kids don't know you. Your wife's turned against you. You have colleagues at work explaining the difference.

1:13:48 Drew Glaze look on my face all the time.

1:13:49 Adam We do a whole chart. Says, Dr. Drew, pre 1995, and a big picture of me with my nappy hair in 1995 in a post. Interviews with people, family members, colleagues, things like that. You can get a taste of this if you want.

1:14:03 Drew Absolutely.

1:14:04 Adam Now, here's the thing. They don't have anything. I think I can get the car at least my dad back from him, and I'm not sure what my mom has. The point is whatever they got, we'll split it up. You in? Yeah. All right. We'll start that next week. You know any attorneys? We'll get on it. Matt?

1:14:22 Caller Hi.

1:14:23 Adam You're 22.

1:14:24 Caller Hi.

1:14:24 Adam What's up?

1:14:24 Caller Nice to talk to you. I want to congratulate you guys on the funniest five minutes in radio history last night with Violent J when he took that rape call. I have a question about my girlfriend.

1:14:34 Drew Which rape call was it? He was talking to me.

1:14:37 Adam The rape calls are always the funniest five minutes in radio.

1:14:40 Caller The one where, and it really made you think, because he had a point with the one where she called and somebody other than her boyfriend was on top of her and then Violent J was like, I've never been so dreamt if a guy was climbing on my ass and banging my pie hole that I wouldn't, you know, admit it. But anyway, but you had a point. I was on your guy's side at first, but then I thought long and hard about it.

1:15:03 Adam But you did a little soul-searching and realized you came out on the side of the same clown posse who were pro-rape.

1:15:10 Caller Back in the two fingers in the two thumbs in the ass.

1:15:13 Adam Fantastic, man. So you really got in touch with the show. That therapy is paying off.

1:15:18 Caller All right. Go ahead, man.

1:15:19 Caller My friend Jeff Fair. His ex-girlfriend, after he kissed her for a year now, he's complained that he gave her stank breath, or that she gave him stank breath, and he's wondering if there's some kind of bacteria you can pass from kissing that gives him ass face.

1:15:38 Drew Gives him what?

1:15:38 Adam Ass face.

1:15:39 Drew I see.

1:15:40 Adam Anything, Drew?

1:15:41 Drew Anus breath syndrome?

1:15:43 Adam Yeah.

1:15:43 Drew What about that? Not that I'm aware of. Certainly bacteria is the big issue with halitosis, with bad breath, but it tends to be sort of pooling of bacteria in the back of the tongue. And I don't know if that's an infectious process in any way.

1:15:56 Adam Well, let's look at it this way. If that were possible, everyone would have bad breath. Because we've all made out with someone who's had bad breath, and then in turn would pass it on to our partners, who in turn pass it on to their partners.

1:16:09 Drew Yeah, and why don't you get a tongue scraper or something?

1:16:11 Adam And kids, if you're one of our colleagues.

1:16:12 Drew Use mouthwash and see if they can get it to sort of calm down. But the tongue is the main organ for...

1:16:18 Adam Is that where it breeds?

1:16:19 Drew Yeah, it's the back of the tongue, too. Sometimes you have to get some special brushes to reach back there.

1:16:23 Adam I've seen, Robert, you're a cock in this tongue scraper on late night TV. It looks like a flossing, electric flossing device. You seen this thing? It looks like a divining rod with a piece of floss that goes across it and you stick it way down your mouth and you scrape the back of your tongue off. Have you seen this?

1:16:45 Drew But those kinds of things, I use a little thing that's sort of a band that you bend and send back there.

1:16:49 Adam Oh, you do? What the hell is up with you?

1:16:52 Drew What do you care?

1:16:53 Adam You're married, what do you care? Where are you going? Please, listen. I got a better shot at getting to the back of my tongue from going up through my throat the other way. I really do. I'd be better off just putting a hole in my trachea and trying to go that way than go this way. I'd hock up whatever. I can't get nothing back there.

1:17:12 Drew You'd be amazed what scrapes off your tongue even just sticking your tongue out and scraping the easy to reach stuff. You'd be amazed.

1:17:18 Adam What do you scrape it with?

1:17:20 Drew It's just this little plastic like band with sort of serrated edges.

1:17:24 Adam How far down do you get it? You get it past your teeth? Below your teeth?

1:17:28 Drew Yeah.

1:17:29 Adam Why does your tongue stop? How low? Does that go to your ass? It goes all the way down. Drew just pointed at his hip. It goes down all the way under your chin. Down halfway down your neck.

1:17:40 Drew This is all tongue in here.

1:17:41 Adam This is all tongue?

1:17:43 Caller Holy Christ.

1:17:45 Adam Can I just use your keys and see if I can do it some other way?

1:17:48 Drew Yes, you can use keys.

1:17:50 Adam Where are we going here, Drew? I'm going to try scraping.

1:17:52 Caller Yes, that's good.

1:17:54 Adam Matt, what about just a little... Do we talk to him?

1:17:56 Caller Yes.

1:17:56 Adam All right. Get with it. What about using a toothbrush?

1:17:59 Drew You can do that.

1:18:00 Caller Yes.

1:18:00 Adam Where do you get those tongue scrapers?

1:18:02 Drew In front of our dental hygienist.

1:18:05 Adam You have bad breath? Is that what it is?

1:18:06 Drew No.

1:18:07 Adam You're not worried about it?

1:18:08 Drew A little complaint here or there from Susan.

1:18:10 Adam I see. Susan complaining.

1:18:16 Drew Yeah.

1:18:16 Adam You're 20.

1:18:17 Drew Yeah.

1:18:17 Caller What's up?

1:18:18 Caller First of all, I just wanted to say that I love you guys. I listen to you guys every single night. I just love you guys.

1:18:25 Adam Thanks.

1:18:25 Caller But yeah, I had a question.

1:18:27 Caller I've been fantasizing about women a lot and I wanted to know if it was normal.

1:18:32 Adam I've bruised recently onto that too.

1:18:34 Drew It's normal, but are you lesbian?

1:18:38 Caller No, I think I might be bisexual though.

1:18:41 Drew Do you have any history that would sort of make your sexuality confusing to you?

1:18:45 Caller I've kissed another girl before.

1:18:47 Drew No, I mean were you abused as a child or anything like that, physical or sexual abuse?

1:18:50 Caller Yeah, physical.

1:18:51 Caller Okay.

1:18:52 Drew That tends to screw around with people's sexuality a little bit.

1:18:54 Caller Who abused you?

1:18:55 Caller My dad.

1:18:56 Drew How old were you when you lost your virginity?

1:18:58 Caller I was 16.

1:18:59 Drew And that was the very first time you've been sexual with anybody?

1:19:04 Adam Yeah. How badly did your dad sexually abuse you?

1:19:07 Drew No, physically abused.

1:19:07 Adam I mean sorry, physically abused you.

1:19:09 Caller He was really bad. He was like a really big drug addict and stuff.

1:19:13 Drew Alright, so having that kind of relationship with man must make a man make it very difficult now to sort of reconnect with your male peers.

1:19:19 Caller Yeah.

1:19:20 Drew You expect men to be destructive and dangerous and hard to trust them and hard to be loved by them, I'm sure, without expecting a lot of abuse back.

1:19:27 Adam Let me explain something to everybody for you folks that are just starting out and have kids. A man, if I was to break people up into appliances, a woman is like a CD player and a man is like a toaster oven. That's how his psyche is, you know what I'm saying? You got a toaster oven that's not working, you start beating it with a spatula, doesn't really do anything. You whack it hard enough, eventually you put a dent in it, you keep whacking on it hard enough, and even that you could kick out, you know what I mean? But what happens if a CD player isn't working right? You start whacking on it, dump a beer on it or something, what's it going to do? It just goes haywire. It goes haywire. You smack a girl around when she's little, you might as well just smack her right in her vagina. You're smacking around her sexuality, that's what you're smacking. When you smack a guy around, you're just smacking him around. He just starts smacking other people around when he gets older. But when you smack a woman, you're like beating her sexuality. And it's going to come out black and blue. Lesbian, bisexuality, porn movies, whatever it is, it's all coming out. Don't worry, there'll be a nice payday.

1:20:40 Drew And they'll seek out victimizers.

1:20:43 Adam That's right. They'll seek out the guys who got smacked around, who just want to smack someone around, but don't get into weird sex. Tina?

1:20:50 Caller Hello?

1:20:50 Adam You're 18. What's up?

1:20:52 Caller Yeah, I'm like really in love with my ex-boyfriend and he's bisexual. And I have like a history of being attracted to men who are like either gay or bi.

1:21:06 Drew Do you have any history of eating disorder?

1:21:08 3 Doors Down No.

1:21:09 Drew Any other medical or psychiatric problems yourself?

1:21:12 3 Doors Down No.

1:21:12 Adam Drew, what do you think the incidence of guys who get smacked around going gay are?

1:21:17 Drew I don't think that's a big issue.

1:21:18 Adam It's not.

1:21:19 Drew No. At all.

1:21:20 Adam See what I'm saying?

1:21:21 Drew Yeah, but it's not the opposite sex. I wonder if the mom smacked them around if it would be an issue. You see? Because then you start to trust and open up. Like Floyd the Barber.

1:21:37 Caller Yes.

1:21:39 Adam All right, Tina. You're still, your love of them is bi. Bi is, by the way, that's gay with the publicist. You understand that? That is not bi. That is gay. How old is he?

1:21:51 Drew Bye-bye to hetero.

1:21:52 Adam That's right.

1:21:52 3 Doors Down He's 18.

1:21:53 Adam Bye-bye, vagina. Hello, penis.

1:21:56 Caller Well, that's what I thought, too.

1:21:57 3 Doors Down And I keep on asking, I'm like, are you sure you're not gay?

1:21:59 Drew Well, he's confused, whatever he is. And I'm sort of wondering why you'd want to be with somebody that has so much pain, really. What is it about, what are you trying to rescue him from? What is it about him that you sort of zero in on?

1:22:11 3 Doors Down I don't know. I know that he was, he was molested when he was younger.

1:22:14 Drew Right.

1:22:14 Adam Hold on a second. Shocking.

1:22:17 Drew Yeah.

1:22:17 Adam Shocking.

1:22:19 Drew It has nothing to do with the sexual identity issue. No, it does not.

1:22:21 Adam How dare you bring that up? Tina? Okay. Why don't you find yourself a nice heterosexual guy who can knock you up and give you venereal disease and beat on you a little bit.

1:22:30 Drew I definitely get the intrusive parent thing here from Tina.

1:22:33 Adam Do you have intrusive parents, Tina?

1:22:35 3 Doors Down Yes, I do.

1:22:36 Drew Yeah, I just get that big time.

1:22:37 Adam What do they do? How does that manifest itself?

1:22:39 3 Doors Down They're just extremely strict.

1:22:44 Caller They're very overprotective.

1:22:45 Drew And you've never had an eating disorder?

1:22:47 3 Doors Down No.

1:22:48 Adam Drew, your parents were strict, right? They had a very bizarre rule. No swallowing after nines. Drew would have to go in his room and close the door to swallow if he just had some saliva in his throat or something like that.

1:23:00 Drew Work on your breathing later.

1:23:07 Adam All right, Tina.

1:23:09 Drew You've got some stuff going on, Tina, where your sense of yourself is still fairly underdeveloped and when you see someone else in pain, it's hard for you not to go in and rescue them, unless they should evoke those feelings in yourself.

1:23:20 Caller Let's get a little bit harder.

1:23:21 Caller Okay.

1:23:23 Adam All right, Tina.

1:23:23 3 Doors Down All right, thanks.

1:23:24 Adam You got a brother?

1:23:25 3 Doors Down No.

1:23:26 Adam Okay, that's good because he'd be gay, too. Yeah, because of intrusive parents. Are they religious, your parents?

1:23:31 3 Doors Down No, they're not.

1:23:32 Caller They're not religious at all.

1:23:33 Adam Oh, and still like really weird and protective and intrusive?

1:23:37 Caller Extremely. I don't know what's up with them. They're just very weird.

1:23:43 Adam Right.

1:23:43 Drew Just don't let them mess up your relationships. Just think more about getting somebody, try to be somebody that's not so interesting, exciting, and evokes those sort of provocative feelings in you. Just somebody you're friendly with, that you're kind of maybe not even very attracted to, just looking that way.

1:24:00 Adam My parents were very protective, too, but the twist was it was of their own junk. You know what I mean? You want to borrow my car? Are you high? Please. Is that something? Is that considered overly protective?

1:24:16 Drew Yeah, but not intrusive.

1:24:17 Adam I see. All right. When we come back, we'll speak to Clarissa. Clarissa is 17, scared of relationships and messes them up on purpose once in a while.

1:24:28 Caller Hello, this is your radio. Loveline will be right back.

1:25:12 Drew Oh, that was when the man got you down.

1:25:14 Adam Oh, I was just telling Drew about my horrible, horrible, horrible life and what a joke it was.

1:25:21 Drew Oh, it was?

1:25:25 Adam Oh, just getting out of high school. I can't find a job. Don't know what to do. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You know what it's like, Drew? I know your life is miserable.

1:25:36 Drew My life is not miserable.

1:25:37 Adam Well, you created your own hell. But listen, and tell me if you guys can identify with this, because I'll tell you what a real miserable feeling was. You know, you went that you were in high school, you know, you know, quasi miserable high school. You had a couple of good semesters.

1:25:50 Drew I'm a totally miserable.

1:25:52 Adam OK, but listen, you're you're listen, you were your student body president and you're getting a little tail your senior year. So, you know, you're still a couple of steps up on most folks. All right. You spent summers. You went to the beach. You had a car. I mean, you're miserable. But that's because you were miserable. That's your fault. You understand.

1:26:11 Caller Yeah.

1:26:11 Adam I was miserable because I had to be miserable.

1:26:13 Caller Right. OK.

1:26:14 Adam You were miserable because you chose to be miserable. That's your prerogative.

1:26:18 Caller OK.

1:26:19 Adam Then you get out of high school. You go off to college. Right.

1:26:21 Drew Right.

1:26:22 Adam You know, when you're done with college, you go to med school and then you go med school. You read the residency and you just keep going.

1:26:28 Drew Right.

1:26:28 Adam Now, you're miserable the whole time. Don't get me wrong.

1:26:30 Drew You're miserable the whole time.

1:26:31 Adam Most of the time, you're miserable and you're busting your ass and you got some anxiety and you're a mess. Fine. I can grant you all of that. All of that. But you want to know what the worst is, is when you're like 18 and this is what a lot of people are listening to the show are like. You get out of high school and it's like.

1:26:51 Drew Now what? Well, what is it?

1:26:52 Adam You want to join the Coast Guard. You want to go work construction. You want to do a little gay porn. You want to drive an ambulance. What do you want to do? And then you start like going down a couple of paths. You go to some guys doing. I went to an ambulance seminar. I sat there and watched a guy talk about what it took to drive an ambulance. For like a private company. I rode my bike over to the fire station in North Hollywood. Hey, what's going on? You guys got an application or something?

1:27:21 Caller Yeah, white guy.

1:27:22 Adam Yeah, we'll call you in five years. Just like poked around, you know, there's a weird just floating around, you know, and then you get a job somewhere and you know the job sucks. But you don't know how long I did that for. I did that from the day I graduated high school until 30.

1:27:41 Drew What? The construction?

1:27:42 Adam No, but floating. Never knew. Never had any idea. You know what I mean?

1:27:48 Drew You had your own little business going at one point.

1:27:50 Adam My own little business, no car insurance, no health insurance, no dental insurance, no days off, no vacation and no savings account and never more than 500 bucks saved up in those 10 years. No. No, never knew. Never knew anything. That's weird.

1:28:08 Drew You didn't know that you were...

1:28:09 Adam What? I'm going to make a million doing radio? No way. I'm 30. You think I'm going to make a million doing radio at 30?

1:28:17 Drew No, no, but I mean you didn't know where you were going or you didn't know how to get anywhere.

1:28:20 Adam I had no idea of anything. I certainly didn't think I was going to be on TV or anything. I figure, listen, you've been floating around. You're 25, you're 28, you're 29. Nothing's happened. What do you think? By the time I'm 30, though.

1:28:35 Caller No way.

1:28:36 Adam No way. And it was the not knowing. That's the part that Fs with you. It's the not knowing part. The other part is kind of just working and floating and getting by and all that kind of stuff. It's thinking you're going to be doing this when you're 50. It's thinking if I get it, if my, if my, if the engine, if my radiator blows in my car, I'm screwed. I'm dead. I'm F'd. You know what I mean? Like living life that way, you're like one moving violation away from just being destroyed.

1:29:07 Adam We got to sue my parents?

1:29:08 Caller Yeah.

1:29:08 Adam I'm going to hear it.

1:29:09 Caller OK.

1:29:10 Adam Clarissa?

1:29:11 Caller Hi, Adam and Drew.

1:29:12 Adam You're 17.

1:29:13 Caller What's up? Basically, I'm 17 and all my friends are in really committed relationships by now. And basically, I'm totally lost. I have never been in a substantial relationship and I feel like sometimes I kind of sabotage them.

1:29:30 Drew Give us an example of the last time you did that. You sabotaged.

1:29:33 Adam She cut the break lines on the boyfriend's pickup truck.

1:29:38 Caller I take dance class outside of school.

1:29:41 Adam Aha!

1:29:43 Drew What?

1:29:45 Caller And it's ballet. And there's a guy in my pas de deux class. It's like a partnering.

1:29:52 Adam I hate some of that at a party.

1:29:55 3 Doors Down Pas de deux?

1:29:57 Adam What's pas de deux? Drew knows. Drew, translate that. Translate pas de deux.

1:30:03 Drew Literally, it's two steps.

1:30:05 Adam Two steps? Pas?

1:30:05 Drew Stepping two.

1:30:07 Adam Pas means two?

1:30:08 Drew Those two. Step of two.

1:30:12 Adam Pas de deux? Yeah.

1:30:14 Caller Step of two.

1:30:16 Caller And I really like my partner and he liked me back and we had a really good chemistry. And I live in San Francisco and, of course, it's gorgeous up here. And we were taking a walk on the beach and it was sunset and everything was perfect. And he kissed me and I just freaked out. I mean, I didn't know what to do with myself and I made a complete idiot of myself.

1:30:36 Caller What did you do?

1:30:38 Caller I just kind of turned away and ended it and I made up some lame excuse about having to go home.

1:30:44 Drew You know, I suspect this is just part of your normal development, that you're aware that things aren't, you're not quite feeling right. To some extent, this is a protective thing too. At 17, some people aren't really ready for a relationship and so you sort of get overwhelmed as the potential of intimacy comes in. But you're moving in that direction and maybe the right relationship in the right time.

1:31:05 Adam You got an eating disorder?

1:31:07 Caller I did.

1:31:09 Adam What do you know? I saw in a ballet with an eating disorder. I can't really walk on their toes, Drew. I'm going to step in the throw up.

1:31:17 Caller On point.

1:31:17 Adam Would you not crap on, would you shut up? Jesus Christ. She's right.

1:31:22 Drew It's on point, not on her toes.

1:31:23 Adam I'm trying to make a joke here.

1:31:26 Caller You know, it's always funny.

1:31:28 Adam You know what the title of my book is going to be? The title of my book is going to be, here's what I have to say and then it's going to be other words written right over it before I get to say it. Like, you know why ballet, you know why ballet dancers walk on their toes, Drew? Because, on point, on point, on point. I would have had a joke in there, Drew.

1:31:48 Caller I really would have.

1:31:49 Adam Hang on. On point. Clarissa?

1:31:53 Caller Yeah.

1:31:53 Adam On point?

1:31:54 Caller Yes.

1:31:54 Caller Okay, good thing.

1:31:55 Adam Okay, what were you going to say?

1:31:57 Caller I don't know.

1:31:58 Adam All right. What do you think? Oh, oh, right.

1:32:02 Caller I can't really... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

1:32:04 Adam Wait, wait, wait, wait.

1:32:07 Caller Okay.

1:32:08 Adam All right. So, you got an eating disorder. You're smart. You come from a good family. You're done with your eating disorder?

1:32:13 Caller Yes. But my point is, I can't really imagine myself in a relationship.

1:32:20 Adam Why are you so freaked out? Where's daddy?

1:32:22 Caller That's exactly what I was going to bring up. I really don't have a good relationship with my dad.

1:32:26 Drew What's the problem?

1:32:28 Caller We're constantly, I don't know if it's a power issue or what, but we're constantly kind of butting heads and reading on everything.

1:32:36 Adam Is he kind of a captain of industry type?

1:32:40 Caller Yeah. He's a professor at Berkeley.

1:32:42 Adam Yeah. You know these dads, some of these dads, they just want their kid to look good on paper. They just take the piano. Oh, she's a beauty. Oh, we got a concert coming up. We're going to her concert. We got a recital coming up. We're going to a recital. Look at ice skating. Oh, she's a great ice skater. She's a wonderful ice skater. She loves ice skating.

1:33:05 Drew This feels like one of those situations.

1:33:07 Adam Let's go to the rink. Oh, the Zamboni is going by. Now, yes, this is like these dads, these intellectual dads, they don't give their daughters any love. It's all on paper. Oh, she speaks this language. She speaks that language. She does this dance. She plays that instrument.

1:33:22 Drew So being perfect is the only way she has to make a connection with him and to satisfy him. You know what a daughter hates?

1:33:28 Adam The guy's guts and she's vomiting all the way to ballet class.

1:33:33 Drew But this stuff is all stuff she can overcome.

1:33:34 Adam Yeah.

1:33:35 Drew It is.

1:33:35 Caller Okay.

1:33:38 Adam That ain't pas du deux. That's pas du don't.

1:33:40 Drew Okay? Pas pas don't.

1:33:44 Adam That's pas pas du don't. What? Am I speaking in a nitro?

1:33:48 Drew Are you done with closer?

1:33:49 Adam Yeah, I'm done with her. Oh, it's just you're 17. Don't think about it too much.

1:33:54 Drew Hey, and also realize that your parents aren't giving you what you need. You may need to get that from close friends.

1:34:00 Adam Right.

1:34:00 Drew Focus on getting some good relationships.

1:34:02 Adam Let's focus. You just got a new couch. And ever since you sat on it, your penis itches.

1:34:09 Yes, it does, man.

1:34:10 Drew All right.

1:34:11 Adam Drew, what about it?

1:34:11 Drew Crabs. You can get crabs from a couch. Was this a used couch?

1:34:14 Yeah, it was. We bought it at an auction. I didn't know. I don't know what's up with it.

1:34:18 Drew You can get scabies, too. You have anything on your wrist or your ankles?

1:34:20 No, I don't. I don't.

1:34:21 Adam Yeah, somebody probably died on that sofa. That's why they're selling it.

1:34:25 Drew And allergies is the other thing you worry about, some allergic reactions.

1:34:27 Adam Hold on. You want to know about white trash, you're buying a sofa at an auction.

1:34:32 Hey, we're going to college, man, a four year college.

1:34:34 Drew Oh, where are you going to school?

1:34:37 Adam No, it's a junior college. It's just taking four years to do it.

1:34:41 Caller KSU, man, Wildcats.

1:34:43 Drew Kansas Day?

1:34:44 Caller Yes, sir.

1:34:45 Adam Yeah, Coke Case, as you were.

1:34:48 Drew Yeah.

1:34:48 Adam All right, good. Fine. All right, you're in college. Fine. All right. What do you think, Drew? Can you have the thing cleaned?

1:34:55 Drew He needs to get his skin examined by a doctor to see what's going on there first.

1:34:59 Adam Hey, God knows what goes on on a sofa. I'll tell you one thing. I sure as hell wouldn't wish any sofa I've had in my apartment with my roommates.

1:35:09 Drew Can you imagine?

1:35:11 Adam Oh, no. Frosted like a doughnut, that sofa. We'll be back. Hello? Yeah, yeah. It's like go in that bunker and die. Just go in there and rot. See ya. There'll be more. There'll be more of you. You get out of here. You're done. Ah, they tried. They tried, Drew, but they couldn't hold me down. Huh?

1:36:10 Drew Now you're gonna have your day in the sun.

1:36:11 Adam Yeah, I'm gonna have my day. Not tomorrow.

1:36:13 Drew You're sounding like Violet J tonight.

1:36:15 Adam Yeah.

1:36:16 Caller You are, yeah.

1:36:18 Caller Let's take my tongue, let's spread our hands all, and pull up our yin-yangs.

1:36:26 Adam You say that big voice.

1:36:27 Caller You gotta look like Bernie from Room 222.

1:36:30 What the hell?

1:36:31 Drew You got some Violet J?

1:36:32 Adam Any Violet J in there?

1:36:34 Caller Wow!

1:36:35 Caller Wow! Oh my God!

1:36:38 Caller Somebody hold the phones! I can't believe that!

1:36:43 Caller All right.

1:36:44 Adam I want to thank the drunken one, Producer Ann, for staggering in and vomiting on us tonight.

1:36:50 Caller 3 Doors Down.

1:36:51 Drew They were here too.

1:36:51 Adam 3 Doors Down. Doing a great job. Ann came on to all of them.

1:36:55 Caller Oh boy.

1:36:57 Adam You're so lucky you won't be able to remember this night, Ann. It was humiliating for you. I want to thank Lauren for doing a wonderful job on Lead Coffee and doing some wonderful phone screening. And of course, the engineer. That all other engineers compare themselves to. Of course, we're talking about Anderson. And until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying Mahalo.

1:37:22 Caller What the hell out of her butt hole, man?

1:37:23 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, but the management sponsors for this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkinson Engel. Loveline is the presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, October 26, 2000