Episode 1000754886928

1:01 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

1:13 Drew?

1:14 Adam What?

1:15 The best?

1:15 Adam The best of Loveline.

1:16 Drew Thanks, Jackass.

1:17 Adam That was a nice, nice, nice... Forget it.

1:20 Drew Okay.

1:21 Adam Let's start over again.

1:22 Drew No, no. I know I didn't lead you into it too well, but had you been paying attention, you would have known what I was talking about, right? Thank you. First guest up tonight is the one that's... You don't know what he's saying, but whatever it is, it's real funny.

1:40 Adam And we loved him. Right? I really loved him.

1:42 Drew I really...

1:43 No, I really don't. I'm really... What did you say?

1:49 Drew Yeah. Now, you think that was just Engineer Anderson cutting something together? Oh, no.

1:56 Adam Or maybe that was a fluke during that evening. No. But it's in fact the abstinence message... That's me imitating Porky Pig, okay? So...

2:07 Drew All right. And here is the...

2:12 Adam The one and only, the one and only Ozzy Osmore.

2:15 Drew Thank you.

2:16 I'm no into school. I'm dyslexic and I sort of from ADD.

2:19 Adam No, it's Adam too. You guys have a lot of comment.

2:21 We have a lot of comment.

2:22 Drew I'm going to tell my kid not to go to school on the off chance he becomes a successful entrepreneur or musician or actor so he can announce that while he counts his millions. Doesn't it feel better? I mean, aren't you glad you didn't go to school now?

2:37 Well, not really, because it does get frustrating when I say, instead of K-R-O-Q, I read all back to front and I see things back to front and I get, my concentration span is about one millionth of a second and in my whole life I must have read maybe five books.

2:56 Adam Yeah. Oh, this is Adam.

2:58 Drew You're really my hero.

2:59 Adam Yes.

2:59 Drew Because I don't like to read either.

3:01 I love to, I would never.

3:02 Drew You love it?

3:03 If somebody invented a pill that made me let me, I'd love to read, I'd love to go into a library and just pick out a book. I envy people that can read, read, read, read, I mean, I know people that can speed read, that must be a trip, man.

3:15 Adam Adam has so much negative sort of connotation to the book that he can't even get near a book without shuddering and feeling awful.

3:21 I do, I buy books to make myself fairly intelligent and I just, I just stay around them, you live around books. I've got first editions of every, I've got Churchill's first edition, I can't even read the name Churchill. I said, what's his work? She charmed by me in his first edition and I go, what does that mean? She goes, this is Winston Churchill's memoirs. I go, what about? How drunk he used to get and how many cigars he used to smoke during the war.

3:48 Drew Oh, that's sacrilege. He saved your country.

3:51 Bull.

3:53 Crap.

3:54 Drew All right, Ozzy Osborne is here. Sharon is also here. Sharon is his wife and manager and wrangler and sometimes interpreter. And put your headphones on Sharon because when we get some calls, you're gonna want to hear these problems that these kids have. Now, I think I saw behind the music on you.

4:13 Yeah.

4:13 Drew And boy, where do you start? What a great behind the music. Like that should have been a five hour behind the music.

4:21 In actual fact, there's part two coming. It's true that there's part two coming out shortly.

4:25 Drew Yeah, because it wasn't, you know, once in a while they do a behind the music with like Hazy Phantasy or Third Eye Blind or something.

4:33 Who the hell is that?

4:33 Drew That's my point. There's not enough to fill up the time, but with you, you got too much material for the allotted time. But there's a couple things. I've met you before.

4:42 I've never met you.

4:42 Adam You've been here before.

4:43 That's right.

4:44 Adam It was about eight years ago.

4:45 I feel like I've been abducted by aliens and just let down again.

4:49 Drew He pointed at Dr. Drew, by the way. I was not here when he was here.

4:54 I'll never forget her face. Really? Especially if I ripped her up.

4:58 Adam No, we had a good time outside.

4:59 Drew You did? All right. Now, Sharon, you guys met, I mean, it's been some years now, right? Ten years plus.

5:07 No, I...

5:08 I first met Sharon when she was a secretary. No, a telephone reception for her father in 1971, and I just... her father was trying to get money for Black Sabbath. Right. And I was wearing a pajama top for his shirt and a hot water faucet for jewelry. And she was absolutely... I was smoking, partying in the reception, and she was absolutely freaked out.

5:30 Drew And you were like, weren't you, like, locked up in a hotel room and Sharon came up and saved you?

5:36 That was in 79.

5:38 That was a while ago.

5:39 Adam They've been together for years at that point, see?

5:41 Drew But here's the thing I was curious about. The infamous biting the head off...

5:46 Caller Oh, no, no, no, don't go there, man.

5:48 Drew You don't have to answer any questions, but here's what I'm curious about. When I was watching the Behind the Music thing, he was biting the head off of the dove in the record meeting. There was pictures of it. It wasn't a reenactment. I was like, who had a camera for that?

6:03 Caller Well, it was supposed to be me signing up with the record company.

6:07 Drew Oh, that's why they were taking the pictures.

6:08 Caller It was a meet and greet. You know, when you go, hi, and they were saying nothing, and the next guy comes in and they do his thing. So when you go to the fun thing, you put your face through one of them.

6:17 Drew Yeah.

6:17 Caller Be happy, in fact.

6:19 Drew Yeah. Oh, we need a camera in here.

6:21 Caller And Sharon says to me, I want you to go in and throw these doves in the air. And I said, I was drunk, and I threw one of them in, and I bit the one's head off, and they all went, and I went the opposite way around.

6:31 Drew Yeah, the blood was coming out. It was great that there was a camera there, that's all I'm saying. That was...

6:38 Caller Nobody, I mean, I was, Sharon says, Sharon was literally, literally wetting herself, literally.

6:45 Caller In the reception of CBS.

6:48 Drew You had a tinkle in your pants in the reception of CBS?

6:51 Caller A huge tinkle.

6:53 Adam Really?

6:53 Caller Because I couldn't stop laughing.

6:55 Caller And it was like, more like a small like.

6:57 Adam It doesn't qualify as a tinkle then, does it?

6:59 Caller No, it's not.

7:00 Adam It's a piss.

7:01 Caller Wow.

7:01 Caller A piss.

7:04 Drew That's great. Wow, what a mess you guys made in that office.

7:07 Caller Glad you're sick. It was great.

7:09 Caller It was, I mean, we went back to that, to our father's house. He says, you guys stink. You need to take a bath more often.

7:18 Drew All right, well, let me, I'm glad I brought that up.

7:20 Caller Well, you got us to give kids advice after that.

7:22 Drew Yeah, we will. We will. All right, we'll take some calls. Audrey?

7:27 Yes?

7:27 Drew What's up?

7:28 Nothing. I'm just like really excited. I have a question. I'm not really a question. I want to say thank you to Ozzy for the music. Thank you. And also to your wife for getting you back on your feet and having you around this long. I'm really happy.

7:48 Caller That's another thing. I don't know how I've done it. I don't believe in miracles and things, but I'm sure I had an incredible run, you know. So considering I started in 68 with Black Sabbath.

8:01 Oh, I know that.

8:02 Caller It's now 2001. It's like where has the time gone? It's like in a flash it's gone by. So you know what you should do every day? Enjoy your life. Exactly. I mean Sharon and I were in New York when this terrorist attack happened, you know, and suddenly the world kind of changed for us all. And what I decided to do is have as much fun as I possibly can, because you never know when someone bad's gonna happen.

8:28 Adam Were you in the shadow of all that? Did you see it happen?

8:30 Caller Well, we were.

8:32 Caller We saw it from the roof of our hotel after we watched the news. We went up to the roof and you could see it all burning.

8:39 Drew But Ozzie, it's not like you were leading a sober contemplative life of quiet reading before this. I mean, weren't you having fun?

8:46 Adam You can't read.

8:47 Drew I know.

8:47 Caller I'm saying you were having fun.

8:48 Caller I'm not sober. Now, I'm not totally tea-totall. Now, even now, against my will, find me with my head down in a bottle of something I shouldn't be doing. And then she goes, uh-uh, not allowed. Go back to jail. Do not collect $200.

9:01 Drew I mean, you were having a good time before.

9:04 Caller I mean, you've got to have a good time.

9:05 Drew That's what I'm saying.

9:07 Caller You know, what's the point? You know what? When you're dead, you're dead for a long years, a lot of years, and nobody's ever come back and said, hey, you know what? It's really cool on the other side.

9:16 Drew Now, I wish someone would, for Christ's sake. I feel better when I hear that.

9:20 Caller I mean, when you hear these people say, they saw this white light and they heard a voice say, go back. You know, I mean, I don't believe in all that baloney. I don't believe in ghosts.

9:31 Drew I always fear that white.

9:32 Caller I don't believe in ghosts. I don't believe in apparitions. I think people are the two stone or or something's going on in their head, you know.

9:40 Drew Right. Well, do you think you would go to hell if there was a hell?

9:44 Caller I think that have, I mean, the 11th of September, if hell's worse than that, if there is a place called hell, I mean, I believe there's heaven and hell on this domain that we live in.

9:59 Caller This is hell.

10:00 Drew This is it.

10:01 Caller This is hell.

10:01 Adam Hell since September 11th.

10:03 Caller That's not hell. We got McDonald's around the corner, so that's a bit...

10:07 Adam That's hell too.

10:09 Caller You know, with me, I like everything that's right. The greatest single achievement of my life, I've had platinum discs, Grammy Awards, Walk of Fame, all this. I haven't smoked a cigarette in seven months.

10:23 Adam That's good.

10:23 Caller And I was, I started smoking when I was 12. I was smoking for 40 years. And don't ask me how I did that. If I believe there is a miracle, that is one.

10:39 Well, I'll tell you what. I prayed to God to get, to win tickets to go see you in Tucson. And I told him, if there is a God, I will quit smoking the next day. And I won the ticket to go see you in Tucson.

10:50 Adam Wow.

10:50 Caller Great, great.

10:51 You know what? I'm quitting smoking.

10:54 Adam I'm going to quit tomorrow. You know what? I'm quitting next week.

10:57 Caller You know what? When you're ready, if you're ready, you'll quit.

11:00 Adam You gotta be ready. I agree with you. You've got to be ready.

11:03 Caller I mean, what happened with me, I had the patch, I had the hypnosis, I had the acupuncture, I had tried the gum and everything. And so one day I just went, you know what? This is the last damn cigarette I'm ever going to put in my mouth. I threw it on the fire and I haven't touched one since. And I didn't go through any crazy withdrawal. I didn't go, you know, because I was ready to quit. I was ready. It's kind of like, you know, you're not getting on with your partner anymore and you know the love's over, but you're sticking it out and then all of a sudden one day you go.

11:31 Drew That's how me and Drew are.

11:32 Adam Yeah, we keep sticking it out, though.

11:34 Caller Yeah, but one day you'll say, you know what? I can't stand being in another night with this person in my mouth.

11:40 Drew Right.

11:40 Adam That could be tonight.

11:42 Caller Alex?

11:43 Drew Hey, Alex, you're 17.

11:45 Caller Hi.

11:45 Drew What's up?

11:46 Caller I've been able to masturbate since I was eight and I was just wondering if that would affect my sex drive.

11:52 Adam In what way? What is your?

11:54 Caller Well, just like when you're 40, you're supposed to be more sexually driven and maybe that would come sooner or not at all.

12:01 Adam You're going to use up your orgasms or something?

12:03 Caller I don't know. Because when I was younger, I used to masturbate at least twice a day for a long time. Now, it's just like it's not as often, like maybe once a week.

12:14 Adam Are you on medication?

12:15 Caller No.

12:16 Adam Are you sexually active with somebody?

12:19 Caller No, I've never had sex.

12:22 Adam And you weren't sexually abused or anything, sort of set you on a trajectory of excessive masturbation for a while?

12:27 Caller I don't think so.

12:28 Adam Was there anything crazy going on in your house, anything sort of over-arousing, stimulating? Was there a lot of chaos or family breaking apart or anything?

12:37 Caller Not at all. I just found myself very like, I don't know, I just fantasized a lot.

12:42 Drew Did you have an orgasm when you were eight?

12:44 Oh, yeah.

12:45 Drew Really?

12:46 Heck, yeah.

12:47 Drew How did you finish the third grade? I mean, I would have been...

12:50 Caller If that was me, I would have been still in the room. I wouldn't have ever gone out.

12:54 Drew Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

12:55 Caller The moment I found out what it was about, I thought, I've discovered magic.

13:00 Drew Your magic wand.

13:01 Magic wand makes my penis grow.

13:05 Drew Alex, you're fine. Don't worry.

13:07 Caller Don't worry about it, it's normal.

13:09 Caller Adam, if you went to my high school, I'd definitely give you a B there.

13:13 Why?

13:15 Caller What is that? I'm deaf. What was that?

13:18 Drew She'd give me a BJ, a blowjob if I want to.

13:22 Caller What do you want to do that for? You don't even know the guy.

13:25 Adam Really? Something happened now.

13:26 Caller You know me better.

13:27 Caller All right.

13:30 Drew It'd be an honor.

13:31 Caller I think she's a little over-said.

13:31 Drew Oh, you.

13:32 Caller I see.

13:34 Drew The great Ozzy Osbourne is here tonight, his beautiful wife Sharon, who reminds me of Ariana Huffington, a little bit younger.

13:42 Caller You know what she reminds me of? She's going to have tics off of me now. You are the weakest link. Oh, yes.

13:50 Caller How mean is that?

13:52 Drew But no, that's not bad.

13:53 Caller I think that woman, I think she's great. Everybody hates her and I love her.

13:59 Adam Oh, no, she's great.

14:00 Drew She's attractive.

14:00 Caller You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

14:02 Drew She's attractive in an androgynous way. I think Sharon has a much more feminine angle than that.

14:07 Caller But she's got, and also she's got my nuts in her hand as we speak.

14:10 Adam Well, that's the part you're sort of picking up on. It's the weakest link part. You're the weakest link.

14:14 Drew Drew's got my nuts in his hand too. That's right. The great Ozzy Osbourne and his beautiful wife slash manager Sharon is in here, as well as their Pomeranian dog.

14:24 Adam Is this what you mean by the tongue coming out right now?

14:27 Drew No, that's not what I mean. I like when the Pomeranians close their mouth, their tongue hangs out.

14:32 Adam Sticks out, yeah.

14:32 Drew Yeah, like they're drunk or something.

14:34 Caller No, she doesn't do that.

14:35 Drew Down to Earth is the name of the CD. Well, let me ask you a question that just popped in my head. Maybe it's a stupid one, but as Americans, we think of Ozzy Osbourne as our own.

14:48 Caller Well, you know what I am?

14:50 Drew You are?

14:51 Caller I look at myself as being Anglo-American. I mean, I spend more time in Los Angeles than I have in Great Britain.

15:00 Drew God bless you. But do you think, where would you say you were bigger? Would you think you were bigger in England or bigger here?

15:07 Caller I mean, I am recognized wherever I go. You know, wherever I go in the world, people go, are you Ozzy? I forget who I am. I just walk around and people go, it's Ozzy, you know? And I really don't go out much. I don't go to clubs anymore because I don't go to bowing. If you are sitting there with a diet Pepsi, you are going to go right in the neck. So at 11 o'clock you can understand people, but at 2 o'clock in the morning the language goes drastically downhill.

15:36 Drew If you got to go out somewhere and do something and you don't want to be recognized, do you un-Ozzy yourself?

15:43 Caller Well, no, I really don't. I'm really a... What did you say?

15:49 Caller A her-mate.

15:51 Caller I don't go out much. See, my wife has just bought this house to spend X... I know... .dollars on it.

15:58 Drew Millions on it.

15:58 Caller What's the point? My job is going out. What's the point when I come on home or when she goes, let's go out, and I go, I've been out for the last year and a half, you know?

16:06 Drew I'm saying, what if you got to make a run to the market or something like that? I mean, I know you got people to do that.

16:11 Caller I love... You know, my biggest hobby is I love food shopping. I love it. I love going out and food shopping.

16:17 Drew But if you don't want to get hassled, do you put a hat on?

16:21 Caller No, no, I don't. No, no, I don't. You know, as the album title goes, I'd like to be kind of down to earth. And if I'm sometimes off the show and goes, you better go back and sign that guy, because the day they stop asking you for your autograph, is the day you got a problem. I go, OK, OK, you know.

16:42 Drew All right.

16:42 Caller So she's like, choose me out, you know.

16:44 Drew Yeah.

16:45 Caller The manager.

16:45 Drew Yeah.

16:46 Caller No, she's a wife.

16:48 Drew Yeah, manager rules with an iron fist.

16:50 Caller Wife first. Sometimes, sometimes I go, is she talking to me as a loving wife? What a bastard manager or both.

16:58 Drew Let's get back on the phones and speak to Kevin. Is 20 Kevin.

17:03 What's up, Adam?

17:04 Dr. Drew.

17:05 Hey, Kevin.

17:07 What's up, Ozzy?

17:08 Caller How are you doing?

17:09 I've seen you about three years ago at Harmony House in Taylor. I waited about six hours to get your autograph.

17:15 And did he sign it?

17:16 Yeah. Pretty cool. Back when Black Sabbath and got back together, all that. But I got a question for Dr. Drew. Recently I found out I have hepatitis C. And my girlfriend, she's like my hip to drugs or nothing like that.

17:35 Adam Urinary, IV, diarrhea, high, she don't drink, she don't drink. You're an IV drug user?

17:39 Yeah. Well, I'm on methadone right now. But I mean, I don't shoot up anymore.

17:46 Drew So you got the hepatitis from shooting up? Right.

17:49 Adam That's where it comes from. But you can transmit it sexually, at least theoretically. Yeah. So you have an obligation to tell her about that.

17:56 Yeah. I'm kind of scared to tell her because she don't even know about the methadone or anything like that. She knows I go get up in the morning and go somewhere.

18:05 Adam Don't you think it's important that she know?

18:08 Caller You know, what I've learned about methadone, a lot of people, when I've been in rehabs, have been on methadone, have said to me that coming off methadone is worse than getting up heroin.

18:18 Adam Oh, it's the worst drug of all to come off of.

18:20 Caller It is. That's what I've heard.

18:22 Adam By far it's the worst.

18:23 Yeah. I was clean for almost a year and it's just like I went back to getting high again and it's just like I can't quit.

18:31 Adam Were you in the program?

18:32 Yeah, I was in NA. I had a sponsor.

18:35 Drew So, Kevin, your girlfriend thinks you're a successful attorney or what does she think you are? You must have a clue.

18:42 I sell windows.

18:44 Adam I sell windows.

18:44 I sell windows, siding and roofing.

18:46 Drew Okay. I think junkie would be a step up at this point. Right. I mean, I don't think you're going to disappoint her. She's in love with you and you're selling siding.

18:55 Adam Right. And methadone, even though I hate it and I'm glad you're Ozzy too, it is a rational thing to do if you're really having trouble.

19:03 Caller It's just a substitute for heroin.

19:05 Adam It absolutely is. I don't recommend it. It's not something that I adhere to, but if this man's life was in danger from his heroin use and this keeps him safe at least, well, okay.

19:15 Caller Well, you know, I agree with you. I've met a lot of junkies one time in rehab and they've told me that methadone was the worst of anything.

19:27 Adam You can last a week.

19:28 Caller In actual fact, I knew junkies that would trade their heroin to people that were getting methadone. You swap the heroin for the methadone.

19:37 Adam And they can take it. It's a real variable how bad the withdrawal is from methadone. Some people get through it in a week or two and are okay. Some go awful for two months. I mean awful.

19:47 Caller All right. I had a thing with the Kalanapin. I got myself messed up.

19:52 Adam That stuff takes a year before your brain is back normal again.

19:56 Caller No, I'm taking it for life now whether I like it or not.

20:00 Drew What do you do with the Kalanapin, Drew?

20:02 Caller Well, I started to have a kind of panic attacks. It was for anxiety.

20:08 Caller It's what it really is.

20:09 Caller It's like a supersonic valium.

20:12 Adam Long acting.

20:12 Drew But you take it before you go out on stage or something.

20:15 Adam No, no, no. That's enderol you're thinking of.

20:17 Drew Enderol? All right. Sorry.

20:19 Caller Enderol is a joke, man. Oh, it is?

20:21 Drew Doesn't work?

20:22 Caller Can I just say something here? That guy lying to his girlfriend, you need your ass kicked.

20:28 Adam There you go. And plus, endangering her life.

20:31 Caller Yeah, really. I mean, he really does. It's not fair at all.

20:35 Adam It's not right.

20:37 Drew All right. Thank you. Come clean with that. So the Kalanapin, how much of that do you take?

20:42 Adam And by the way, she no doubt has an alcholicratic dad that she's a...

20:45 Drew It's probably a reason she's attracted to this character in the first place.

20:48 Adam That's right.

20:49 Drew Now, how much Kalanapin do you take? You take it every day?

20:51 Caller Two milligrams a day.

20:52 Adam Bedtime.

20:53 Drew And that's bad?

20:54 Caller Bedtime. Bedtime? I've tried coming up, but I literally, I can't live without it. I just wreck my brain cells for a little while. I mean, the deal is, whatever you do to excess, if you play now, you play later. I mean, none of us gets out of here alive. And then if you abuse drugs or alcohol or anything, eventually you're going to, you're going to, it's payback time, you know.

21:21 Adam Last time I met you, you were actually complaining about depression.

21:25 Caller I'm now, I'm now, I'm now on two different antidepressions. On Zoloft and another one, another one, with the acidity to it. I can't, I mean, I know. Because what I developed was, about three years ago, I started to get this tremor and I started to freak out. I went to a neurologist, now the Brad at MRI, and he said, he told me that I haven't got Parkinson's. I thought them's going, oh my God, I got Parkinson's. I couldn't stop shaking. And what I did, what I developed is a nonspecific hereditary tremor, which is a medication called Mycelin. I take that three times a day now.

22:01 Drew Thank God you're living in this age, though. You would have been screwed.

22:04 Caller I forget it, man.

22:05 Drew Just 25 years ago, right?

22:07 Caller And then I phoned my sister, and I go, I say to my sister, I go, Gene, I said, you know, I've just been diagnosed with a hereditary tremor, and she goes, I'm not you as well. I go, what do you mean, not me as well? You're Uncle George, you're Uncle, and she reels up all these family members, and I go, well, don't you think somebody should have told me about 29, sometime in your life, you might start jittering about the planet, you know, don't worry, you know. I was freaking out. I thought, my God.

22:33 Adam Does your neurologist know you're taking all that clonopin, though? Yeah.

22:36 Caller I mean, I...

22:36 Adam Because that combo can be a little dangerous.

22:39 Caller I've got a pill guy, I've got a psychiatrist who's a pill guy who puts me on, you know, puts me on, I'm on Seroquel as well.

22:45 Adam Seroquel. So, Seroquel, does Seroquel make tremor worse sometimes, too?

22:49 Caller Yeah, it does sometimes.

22:50 Caller When I take the Seroquel, I get tremored more than it can make them.

22:53 Adam Yeah. It's good medicine.

22:54 Caller Yeah.

22:55 Adam It's good medicine. So, it's Seroquel, Seroquel, Zoloft, Mycelin, and Clonopin.

22:59 Caller Yeah.

23:00 Drew All right. Oh, I just got to hand in a note here that says, the CD does not go on sale tonight at midnight.

23:06 Adam On sale Tuesday at 9 a.m. Tuesday the 16th at 9 a.m. That's what is written down here.

23:13 Drew So, the 16th, that's tomorrow for a lot of you.

23:16 Adam But that's good. You were complaining about feeling not good, and now you're feeling good.

23:20 Caller What do you mean?

23:21 Drew Seven years ago.

23:22 Adam Seven years ago, you were complaining about, what you said was, all you want to do is be able to enjoy going to...

23:26 Caller You know what? With the antidepressants, it screws your sex life up.

23:29 Adam Yes, it does. It can.

23:31 Caller I mean, I've never got a bus of those...

23:35 Adam Viagra.

23:36 Caller Viagra. And I'm all loaded. I'm no fire blanks, you know.

23:43 Drew Yeah, but as long as you think the gun's going off, that's good enough.

23:47 Caller Yeah, but you try antidepressants, you go on antidepressants, you start going... It's like sex just dies, man.

23:55 Adam Yeah, it does. It can. It's even worse for women, that stuff.

23:58 Caller No, it's not.

24:00 Adam No, the Zoloft and those medicines are turning the sex drive off.

24:03 Caller No, I'm on Zoloft.

24:04 Adam It didn't do it to you?

24:05 Caller No, I'm jumping all over my husband and he's snoring.

24:09 Caller The worst of it all.

24:11 She's snoring too.

24:13 Caller Tonight's the night, honey, and so she is.

24:18 Drew Well, it's nice to hear those are universal problems. You don't let him take the Viagra if he goes on the road without you.

24:26 Caller No, but she goes on the road.

24:28 Caller No, but he started to take Viagra and we would wait and wait for it to work. I'd fall asleep and he'd be there with a big boner and I'm fast asleep and he can't wake me up.

24:40 Caller I'm going, Sharon, I'm ready. She's going, get lost. I'm lying here like I'm camping with the tent pole. I'm all boned out. Nowhere to go. I'm looking at Minnie. She's going, not me.

24:54 Drew How long does the Viagra, not again, she said, how long does the Viagra take to kick in?

24:58 Caller Well, I learned. They're coming out with a new one, which is a nose spray Viagra. And it's in the one one that is the spray.

25:08 Adam It's called Pinocchio.

25:09 Caller Really?

25:10 No.

25:11 Caller That would be good.

25:12 Caller That would have been good.

25:13 Caller I was taking as many as five. One night I got two stuck in my throat. I had a stiff neck for about a month.

25:22 Drew Where's the high hat when you need it?

25:23 Caller Yeah, we need that.

25:26 Drew So you put the spray right up the urethra or you put it up your nose?

25:29 Adam No, to get the muse for up the urethra. There's that. You ever tried that? What? There's stuff that works.

25:34 Drew We actually inject it in your?

25:35 Adam No, you push something into your urethra.

25:37 Caller In your bum?

25:37 Adam In your urethra.

25:39 Drew No, that's the hole in the penis.

25:40 Caller Oh, okay.

25:42 Caller That's the one-eyed treasure snake.

25:46 Drew All right. We're going to take a little break. Hey, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Over there being San Diego. Yes, sir. Tori Amos is our guest tonight. She has herself a whole bunch of concerts coming up here at the Will-Turn Theatre, which is, like I said, the genius name that because it's on Western in Wilshire Boulevard, so hence the Will-Turn. And those are all sold out. So just forget about it.

26:18 Caller How do you know this kind of information?

26:20 Drew Well, it dawned on me one day as I grew up in LA. So I passed the Will-Turn 1700 times and it just dawned on me as I was looking at the Wilshire in the Western sign and that it's on Will-Turn Western that it just must be. I have that kind of genius linguistically. And Drew does too, hence the homeocentesis.

26:48 Adam What the hell is stasis?

26:48 Drew Homeostasis. Sorry, yes, that's right. Tori Strange Little Girls is the name of the new CD. We're gonna hear something off of that. I think we'll take a call and then we'll hear a song off the new CD. Selma? You're 22?

27:03 Caller Yes.

27:03 Drew What's that?

27:05 Caller I was beginning to date this guy and I kind of struggled. Didn't give him much attention because he actually lived kind of far from me, but since I'm going to move up to where he lived, we started talking. Now I feel like I'm more interested in him than he is interested in me.

27:24 Drew How long were you dating him?

27:26 Caller Well, I met him through a friend, actually, on a trip up north. He lives in Northern California, I live in Southern California. And that's why I wasn't paying much attention to him. And now I feel like that...

27:40 Drew Hold on, Drew, I think we have to do a Loveline recreation.

27:42 Adam Yeah.

27:43 Drew You ready? You asked me how long I've been dating him.

27:47 Adam How long have you been dating him?

27:49 Drew Well, I met him on a trip up north, you know, with a friend, and he's up there, and I'm down in LA.

27:57 Adam He lives in Southern California, I live in Northern California. That's why I don't care too much about it.

28:01 Drew There we go. All right, let's try this one more time.

28:03 Caller North to Alaska, come on, the rush is on.

28:07 Drew Yeah, I did a denouement of covers, too. Ah, Hoyt Axton covers. I did.

28:16 Caller Selma?

28:17 Caller Yes.

28:18 Drew How long you guys been going out?

28:20 Caller Um, a little over two months.

28:22 Drew Okay, so that's fairly new, and it's always been a long distance thing?

28:26 Caller Um, yes.

28:27 Drew Okay, and now it seems like he's losing interest?

28:30 Caller Yeah, he'd rather watch TV with his friend and call me back.

28:34 Drew Okay, well maybe... Yeah, it's over. And it's okay because he's out of your range geographically anyway.

28:44 Caller Well, I'm actually going to move, like, maybe like not too far from him in January.

28:49 Caller So, it's like...

28:50 Drew Are you really into him or are you just kind of into him because you don't think he's into you?

28:54 Caller No, I think he's like a total... He what? I mean, he's been a total sweetheart, like, all the time. Um, calls me in the morning to say good morning, things like that. And, but now...

29:07 Adam I'm very... I'm really unclear about something. How much time have you actually spent face to face?

29:12 Caller Um, actually a lot. He... Well, not a lot, but he's come down every other weekend and I've gone up a lot. So, we do see each other almost every weekend.

29:20 Drew Alright. Well, how about... And everybody can do this. If your mate is giving you trouble, it's okay to say to him, uh, hey, what's up? You seem... Drew, do that again.

29:32 Caller Ah!

29:35 Drew Drew, next time I give a speech, I want you behind me.

29:38 Caller Chorus.

29:39 Drew Yeah, I want you behind me doing that, like I'm with the Nation of Islam. I'll go, uh, it's okay to talk to your maid every once in a while.

29:49 Caller Ah!

29:51 Caller You guys should communicate. Ah! Do not hesitate to communicate.

29:56 Caller Ah!

29:57 Caller God put her on earth and gave her a mouth for more than just oral sex.

30:02 Adam All right, all right.

30:03 Caller Although nothing comes to mind right now.

30:06 Drew Uh, Drew, come on.

30:07 Adam No, no, no.

30:08 Drew Okay. All right, uh, Selmy, you just talk, talk to him, okay? And get an answer. And if the answer's, you know, hey, he's out, then you move on.

30:17 Adam She's pretty clear what the answer is, as always. That's why she doesn't ask the question.

30:20 Drew Tori, don't, don't you think, or tell me what you think about this. We, we think when people don't ask the question, it's usually because they don't want to know the answer.

30:29 Adam Or they know what the answer is and they don't want to hear it.

30:32 Drew Yeah, they don't want to hear it. Well, you get that vibe when someone's pulling out of a relationship. You kind of know. Your spidey sense tingles.

30:41 Caller You know.

30:42 Drew And you know if you corner them and say to them, what's up? Eventually, if you really push hard enough, they're just going to tell you they ain't into it. And then, then you're crushed.

30:50 Caller But don't you sometimes think that there's a part of it that they want to hold on to, whether it's your friendship? Sometimes people just, they, they don't want you completely out of their life, but they don't want it the way that it was. Something's changing.

31:07 Right, right, right.

31:09 Drew And, and, and they, they don't want it the way it was, but they don't want to confront you and they don't want you completely out. So they just start slowly pulling back and then you go nuts.

31:21 Caller I mean, is this guy afraid that because she's moving up there, she's going to be right there and it's not against her. It's not a personal thing. It's just I found that sometimes when I get too close to certain in my life, when I've been too close to certain men, that they just feel like they're losing their freedom.

31:43 Drew Yeah, well, we do that. I'm feeling a little cage right now. Open the door. Hey, you know, Drew? Yep. You know, I forgot. I know I've told this story before. It's been a long time. Tori Amos, I took some flowers of hers to an ex-girlfriend of mine many years ago. Do you remember that? Tori did the K-Rock, that is the mother station out here, did the Kevin and Bean morning show years ago. Like it had to be seven years ago because I was just screwing around. I was like just hanging out with the morning show screwing around. And Tori did her thing and as usual all her fans came by and dropped off some flowers and gifts and stuff. And Tori took off and left behind and not intentionally of course, but somehow neglected to get a bouquet of flowers. And I collected this bouquet of flowers because my girlfriend had been pounding on me for never giving her flowers. So I came home and I handed her the flowers. And you know she almost had an aneurysm because I never buy flowers. And she was like, What is up flowers? Oh my goodness, I'll get some water, you know, and I was feeling pretty good about myself. And then I screwed up. She was a big Tori Amos fan. And I said, Such an idiot. I said, Guess whose flowers these were for? She was like, Who? And I said, Your number one girl, Tori Amos. And she was like, You son of a bitch. I said, But Tori Amos, she loved Tori Amos.

33:18 Caller Not that much.

33:19 Caller But for me...

33:21 Adam No, Tori, you talked about the differences between how men and women think and how they speak.

33:25 Caller Yeah, that's it. That's it.

33:28 Adam That's it. That's it. That's an extra good thing. Yeah.

33:30 Drew Like, let's say...

33:31 Adam Your best girl's flower. Right.

33:33 Drew Let's say your wife brought you home a stethoscope that was C. Everett Cooke.

33:38 Adam Yeah, exactly.

33:39 Caller You'd be on Cloud 9, right?

33:41 Caller Yeah, that's right.

33:42 Adam Extra special.

33:43 Caller Now the word cheap comes to mind.

33:46 Drew What about resourceful?

33:47 Caller Doesn't that come to mind?

33:48 Adam Creative, thoughtful.

33:50 Drew That's right. Look, I could have walked away. I could have walked away, but I picked up the flowers. I tore the Tory name tag off and I promptly brought them to my girlfriend. And is she still your girlfriend? No, no, no. Big mistake. Bad end of that. This horse just came in. You know what I'm saying, baby? Horse? Yeah, me. I'm talking about me. Yeah, she was with me during the lean years, but now literally a millionaire. Literally, you know.

34:17 Caller Congratulations. That's so good.

34:18 Drew Thank you. Literally. Hey, should we hear a song? We got time? Should we do it? Let's do it at this break. Let's hear it.

34:24 Adam Whatever you say, Your Royal Highness.

34:25 Drew Thank you. Anderson, you ready to rock? You got both your hands up in the air. OK, you're working it with your feet. This is off of Strange Little Girl. And this one is called Strange Little Girl.

35:31 Caller Strange little girl.

38:22 Drew Cory Amos, everybody. Another beauty. Strange Little Girls, the name of the CD. We're going to take a little break, and we'll be right back with more of the show after this.

38:34 All right.

38:37 Caller Hello, this is Loveline.

38:41 Drew Hey, it's Loveline, everybody. I'm Adam. That's Drew. Our good friend and wonderful soul, Tori Amos is in studio tonight. I've seen Tori a few times, but I think only acoustically, just alone at the piano, which is amazing and impressive. But how many people do you travel with? Are you alone or do you have a full band or how does it work?

39:09 Caller Well, I don't know how to put this. I'm playing alone at the piano traveling with loads of people.

39:15 Drew Really?

39:16 Caller So yes, even though I'm alone on stage.

39:19 Drew Right.

39:20 Caller Playing and singing, there's a huge crew that make it work. I do this with a lot of people.

39:25 Drew Do you ever have someone on a cello sitting there?

39:28 Caller For two tours, I had other musicians. Right. And that was a completely different kind of show. So this tour, I'm just alone at the keyboards.

39:41 Drew Very, very impressive.

39:43 Caller With a great crew, by the way. Cause you know, just cause you're up there alone, doesn't mean there's not a lot of people that are a part of creating the show.

39:51 Drew Well, yeah, but let's stop being modest. They're a dime a dozen. Thank you. Drew, what are you doing over there, buddy?

40:01 Caller Hey, how are you?

40:02 Drew Hey, you're 18.

40:03 Caller Holy God.

40:04 Hi, Tori, how are you?

40:05 Caller Hi, Kevin, how are you?

40:08 Caller I just, holy God, I'm sorry, hang on a second. Okay, I was in Salt Lake too. In fact, I met that girl that you said hi to her baby too. I thought that was kind of cool.

40:18 Caller Wow, this is a small world. Are you in Salt Lake now?

40:22 Caller Yeah, I am. And there's a lot of crazy fans out here. You have no idea.

40:28 Caller Salt Lake is a fascinating place. Don't you think there's a lot going on out there?

40:35 Drew It seems like there's quite a diverse group there. I mean, you got your super pious Mormons and then you got your crazy rebellious kids who probably feel like women living in Afghanistan. You know what I mean? Like under this oppressive regime. I'm guessing Kevin is one of them.

40:55 Caller And then you've got the Olympic Committee.

40:57 Drew Right.

40:58 Caller Yeah. I want to know if you... This has been driving me crazy. I sat on the second row of your concert and I swore to God that you looked at me during Crucify because I was bawling and you like raised your eyebrows and smiled. I don't know if that was that me. And then afterwards when I was like meeting you, I called you Jesus. Sorry, by the way. I didn't...

41:19 Drew When you met her.

41:20 Caller She like reached out her hand and said hi. And then I'm like, Troy, you're Jesus or something stupid like that.

41:26 Adam You're gay.

41:27 Drew Was she, please, Drew, was she telling your dog to command you to kill?

41:33 Caller No, I would have, though.

41:34 Drew Good, good. How are you doing over there in Salt Lake? Are you gay, Kevin?

41:38 Caller Oh, sure, yeah.

41:38 Drew Is it tough there in Salt Lake for a young gay man?

41:41 Caller No, no, no.

41:42 Drew It's okay?

41:43 Caller Not bad.

41:44 Caller Okay. All right.

41:45 Caller It was in school, but that's over.

41:47 Drew You're, that's over with now. Yeah. So you love Tori Amos?

41:50 Caller I do.

41:51 Drew Me too. Was there a question you had? No, I think you just wanted to heap praise on her.

41:57 That's it?

41:58 Drew Let's, who do you want to talk to? Tony?

42:00 Yeah.

42:01 Drew Tony?

42:02 Yes.

42:03 Drew Tony the chick?

42:03 This is Adam?

42:04 Drew Yep.

42:05 Hi, Adam.

42:06 Drew Hey, Tony.

42:06 How are you?

42:07 Drew Good. How are you doing?

42:08 I'm freaking out right now, dude. I can't handle it.

42:11 Drew Because Tori's here?

42:12 Oh my God.

42:14 I can't believe I'm going to talk to her.

42:16 Yeah, because Tori's there.

42:17 Adam Oh, if you don't turn your radio off, you're not going to, so be careful.

42:19 Turn my radio off?

42:21 Drew Yeah.

42:21 Okay.

42:22 Drew There you go.

42:22 I'll hear you come on on this one? Yeah.

42:24 Drew You know, there's that thing. It's a phone, right?

42:27 Yeah.

42:27 Drew It's got that ear part.

42:30 My phone died in my hand.

42:32 It's a speaker.

42:34 Drew Oh, you mean your phone is out of batteries?

42:37 Yes.

42:37 It's a bad phone.

42:39 Drew But you can still hear us through the speaker if you turn your radio down.

42:42 Yeah, I can hear you fine.

42:44 Drew Okay. Go ahead.

42:44 Caller Ask your question.

42:46 Am I on the air?

42:47 Drew Yes.

42:48 Caller All right.

42:49 Sorry.

42:50 Hi.

42:50 Drew Oh, the story of Amos fans.

42:52 Caller He's such a pain.

42:53 I can't believe I'm talking to you.

42:55 Okay.

42:59 Question is, what is your inspiration for fairies? Where did that come from in you? Because as you know, everyone goes to the concert wearing fairy wings and they write a lot about you being the fairy queen. Where did your inspiration come from?

43:16 Caller Well, actually, my grandfather was part Cherokee and he would talk to me about the spiritual realm and the spiritual world. And it defines itself in different ways for different people as we all know. Sometimes it's just taking a walk and seeing the sunset. Sometimes it's being close to the earth and experiencing nature in that way. Sometimes it comes out for other people in religion. Although that gets very confusing.

43:50 Drew Are you a religious person or a spiritual person?

43:53 Caller I'd like to think that it's more of a... It's about... It's not a set doctrine for me. My grandfather tried to teach me a lot about just listening, listening to other people and also listening to the spirit world. And it did speak to you and listening to your ancestors. And as you know, that's a great belief with the Native Americans.

44:18 Drew Yeah, they're huge into that. They listen to like coyotes and they talk to cactus. Wind.

44:23 Caller That's right.

44:24 Drew It's really because they didn't have cable. They're talking to rocks and stuff out there.

44:29 Caller Okay, all right.

44:30 Drew Well, I mean, that's the bottom line. If they had some cable, they wouldn't be into all that. Talking to coyotes and stuff.

44:36 Caller Well, I think the whole thing is, is that there are certain people that really believe that there is a spiritual world out there. And then there's some people that are more cynical about it. And it's going to feel right for you.

44:52 Drew We are, I'm sorry to cut you off in the middle of the spiritual.

44:56 Caller No, you're not.

44:57 Drew No, I really don't care.

44:58 Caller You're quite happy about that.

44:59 Drew I can't, we have to take, we have to take a break. And we will, we'll be right back.

45:07 Caller Love Line will be right back, so get your problems ready.

45:20 Drew Hey, Loveline, more, more amply titled.

45:25 Adam Best of Loveline.

45:26 Drew Thank you there, Dr. Drew.

45:27 Adam It's a good thing we discussed that before.

45:29 Drew I'm Adam Carolla, that's Dr. Drew, and it's really a better show.

45:34 Adam Yeah, it's our best work. Well, we don't have any good works.

45:37 Drew What would an average show be here? No Guest, me doing that god-awful lightning round at the end. Yeah, no, you don't have to.

45:47 Adam Notice how the lightning round does not appear in the best of line up.

45:50 Drew You don't have to endure that. We have good program names, celebrities like Seth Green. I'm glad to welcome back to the program one of the nicest guys in show business, Seth Green.

46:03 Caller Thanks.

46:04 Drew I really enjoy because he's a really nice guy and he just has a sort of relaxed way about him. Makes you feel comfortable, right?

46:12 Yeah.

46:13 Caller I can tell we're all really comfortable.

46:15 Adam We're very comfortable.

46:16 Drew I'm not wearing underpants or socks. So yes, I'm very comfortable.

46:21 Adam Seth, how old were you when you first came on this show? I was trying to figure that out last night.

46:23 Caller When I first came on this show? Yeah.

46:26 Adam I don't know. Fourteen?

46:27 Caller At least, yeah.

46:28 Adam Yeah. Seth said?

46:29 Drew Yeah. I just found out.

46:30 Caller I've been with every host.

46:32 Drew I found out you like I'm like in the middle though, right? I mean, I'm not the worst.

46:37 Caller The worst? Oh God, no.

46:38 Drew No. I'm like the middle, right?

46:40 Caller You're good. You're good. You handle people well. Yeah.

46:42 Adam You're all right.

46:42 Caller You're okay.

46:43 Adam Yeah.

46:44 Drew I like to think of myself as the middle, you know?

46:47 Adam In everything.

46:48 Drew It started early in junior high when I would strive to get Cs.

46:53 Adam No, I know if you're if you somebody considers you the best, you figure you got to back off a little bit.

46:56 Drew Who needs that pressure?

46:57 Adam Right.

46:58 Drew Right. And I'd be pissed off because I'm not getting paid enough. You know, if I was the best, I don't want more money. All right.

47:04 Caller I think it's kind of getting out of hand, though. A lot of the reality programs are really just gross and scary.

47:11 Drew Yeah, people. It's like, yeah, here's a cow testicle. You got to eat that bull testicle. And then there's a lamb's eye. And we're going to cover you in snakes.

47:21 Caller Yeah, but did you watch? Do you ever watch?

47:22 Drew We got a guy with AIDS. He's going to pee on you.

47:25 Caller There's that camera type show, except what they're doing is freaking people out. It's not like, hey, you come in for a job and, you know, the secretary has club foot. It's not like that. This episode that I saw, these women came in to get their bridal gowns because the wedding was tomorrow. And the people tell them, oh yeah, we ruined your gown. And they show them like a gown horribly burned. And the women start crying and it's really upsetting. And then they go, you're on the candid TV. You know, and the women are just like, wow, that's so not funny.

47:55 Drew That can shave years off your life too.

47:59 Adam This guy, this MFer, narrated a show where he was caught on tape or something.

48:06 Drew Oh yeah, but I did that for money.

48:07 Adam Yeah, but there was some awful stuff that went down in that show. Remember that?

48:11 Drew Yeah, it was abusive.

48:12 Adam Yeah, like guys would send in a stripper or something and see how the guy would respond while his girlfriend watched.

48:17 Caller There's a general mean-spiritedness to television these days that I don't approve of.

48:21 Drew There is. And I'll tell you something, just a little career advice, Seth. Not that you would stoop to doing something for the money like when I did Red Handed. But it was a great moment. They said to me, we'll give you like ten grand an episode or something like that. All you got to do is get to Loveline an hour, maybe 45 minutes early, a couple days, two days a week, and do some quick voiceover work. Your name's not on it. It's not like Adam Corolla presents Red Handed or anything. You don't get a writer or producer's credit. You just get your money and you go home. So I remember telling Daniel Kelsen, the executive producer of the Man Show, yeah, I'm doing this Red Handed. He's like, you idiot. You'll ruin your career. I said, look, my name's, I'm not on camera and my name's not even on the thing. No, so you don't understand. That ruins careers. I said, well, what I care? I'm just gonna make some money. My name's not on anything. I'll take the check. I'll go home. No one will know it's me.

49:17 Caller That's what David Duchovny thought with Bread True Diaries.

49:20 Drew Yeah, a week later he comes in to the office. He has it Xerox. It's posted all over the place. This is a big picture of me in like the New York Times or something. Corolla embarrasses himself. It says like these big letters. And then the whole article basically goes on like I'd written, produced, conceived and dreamt of the show. I got total credit for this piece of ass. And you've just never seen a better example of in your face, I told you so crap. Big picture. Corolla embarrasses himself. Fantastic. Seth is also in my favorite TV show, The Family Guy. Oh, yeah. Yes. I love that show.

49:58 Caller Thanks.

49:59 Drew Man, do I love that show.

50:00 Caller Me too.

50:01 Drew And Seth does, what is it, Brian?

50:04 Caller No, I do the son.

50:06 Drew No, Stewie's the...

50:07 Caller Stewie's the baby.

50:08 Caller Right. And I think to myself, my God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

50:16 Drew Yeah, it's Seth McFarland. Yeah.

50:18 Caller You do Brian, right?

50:20 Caller No, I do the...

50:20 Drew What's his name?

50:21 Caller Chris, the son of Chris.

50:21 Drew Oh, Chris. Who the hell is Brian? Do a little... Give me a shot of Chris. I love that guy. Come on.

50:29 Caller It's...

50:29 Adam Yeah, be funny, Seth.

50:30 Caller Yeah, hang on a second. Let me work it out.

50:32 Caller You don't have to say anything funny.

50:33 Drew I'll tell you what you can do. You can just read some of your bio.

50:37 Caller Okay. That'll be comfortable.

50:39 Drew Well, at least he's got some copy of that.

50:41 Adam Women weep, men shudder.

50:44 Caller Seth Green has worked non-stop since he began in the business.

50:49 That's Chris.

50:53 Drew I love that Chris. I love that family guy. I love that show.

50:58 Caller I'm glad.

50:58 Drew That show's funny as hell. I'm so glad it's back on.

51:02 Caller Thanks.

51:02 Drew All right. Let's... This ain't the last of your Chris, by the way.

51:08 Caller Okay.

51:08 Drew This is the first hour, Chris. We're going to need a second hour, and then we're going to need my outgoing message.

51:13 Caller Okay.

51:14 Drew Give me just a little taste, like...

51:16 Adam Outgoing message.

51:17 Drew You know, Adam's not home, but could you leave a message? You know, something like that.

51:22 Adam Why don't you create a spinoff show for him?

51:24 Drew Just quiet. Let me hear it again, let me hear.

51:26 Hi, this is Adam. Please leave a message.

51:29 Drew See, that's my regular message. There's nothing to it at all.

51:32 Caller It's pretty on the news, though.

51:34 Drew But let's hear you. Give me a little taste.

51:36 Caller Can I get the phone ring?

51:37 Caller Yeah.

51:38 Drew Lead him in with the phone, would you, Anderson?

51:48 Caller Um, Adam not here? Sure, if you could just, just call back another time.

51:59 Drew It's a very... You don't know Chrissy, you gotta see Chris. You gotta see him. You have to see him in your mind's eye.

52:07 Adam Jen, do you see Chris?

52:08 Yeah, that's awesome.

52:09 Adam Okay, what's going on?

52:11 Drew You're 16.

52:12 Caller Yeah.

52:14 Caller I just think whenever like a guy fingers me or something, I can't get an orgasm. I like get really close, but then like, I just don't get it.

52:25 Drew Well, maybe you just haven't met the right finger.

52:28 Adam I don't think that that's... That whole behavior...

52:32 Drew The fingering?

52:32 Adam Yeah, is not so usually...

52:35 Drew No.

52:35 Adam Object direct, goal directed, you know what I'm saying?

52:38 Drew You mean orgasm directed.

52:40 Adam Yeah, that's not usually a goal, that behavior? Yeah. There is no goal in it, really? That's why it sort of goes away?

52:46 Drew Yeah, the finger is just sort of to make room for the penis. I mean, it's sort of like, you know, before you put on a pair of boots, you grab them and you pull the laces apart. Like before you put on some high top shoes, you move it around a little and you loosen up. Well, it's not because you're going to put your hand in there, it's because you're going to put your foot in there. But you got to get your hand in there and move it around a little so your foot will fit better. You see what I'm saying?

53:08 Adam Yeah, you like being equated with a boot, it's time.

53:12 Drew Well, high top sneaker. Hey Jen?

53:15 Caller Yeah?

53:15 Drew Yeah, because most women need a little clitoral stimulation and that kind of thing.

53:20 Caller Yeah, but if a guy goes down on me, I can't get one either.

53:23 Adam How old are you?

53:24 Caller I'm 16.

53:26 Adam Do you have orgasm when you masturbate?

53:28 Caller Yeah.

53:29 Adam And how do you do that? How do you achieve that?

53:31 Caller Oh, like, I just kind of rub myself.

53:33 Caller I don't really...

53:35 Caller Yeah, that's...

53:35 Drew That's right, you do the rub thing.

53:37 Caller Yeah.

53:37 Drew All right, so you need the guy to do the rub thing. Know what I'm saying?

53:42 Adam Yeah, you need to relax a bit.

53:43 Drew How much better... And by the way, for a woman...

53:45 Adam You're ahead of me...

53:45 Drew .whoever asks this question, but how much better is an orgasm when you're with a guy than when you do it yourself? You know what I mean? Well, you may not know.

53:57 Yeah, I don't know.

53:58 Adam She's not been with a guy.

53:59 Drew Have you been with a guy and had an orgasm?

54:02 Caller No.

54:03 Drew All right.

54:03 I'm like, I'm a virgin, but...

54:05 Adam But the fact that you're able to achieve orgasm by yourself, you're already ahead of most of your peers, okay? Really? Yeah. Being able to do it with someone else will come in good time.

54:16 Drew Yeah. Now, what percentage... What do you think an orgasm with a woman is compared to masturbation for a guy? 50% better?

54:25 Adam A male 50% better?

54:27 Drew Yeah. Well, we were talking about this the other day. The whacking off is fine. It's not quite as good. You know what I'm saying?

54:35 Adam Yeah. It's almost...

54:36 Drew There's no way to quantify it.

54:37 Adam I said it's like an existential question. It's like an unanswerable.

54:40 Drew Yes. If I whacked off in the force, was you carrying? I'm just curious. I'm curious for women, if it's... Do you think that gap's any wider or closer?

54:51 Adam I think it's a lesser experience for them. Because men, first of all, are into the whole visual thing. They're into it.

54:57 Drew Right.

54:57 Adam They're getting that gratification. Women are into the emotional connection with it, and they don't get that. They're by themselves.

55:03 Drew Yeah, but maybe that gets them further into it, or fantasy. You know what I mean? Closer eyes, some fantasy.

55:09 Caller Candy?

55:11 Who?

55:12 Drew Candy.

55:13 Caller Candy.

55:14 Drew Is that you?

55:15 Caller Yes, that's me.

55:17 Drew Wow.

55:17 Caller Hi, Adam.

55:18 Caller I love you.

55:19 Drew Hey, baby.

55:21 Caller You're 16.

55:21 Caller Oh, you're hot, too.

55:22 Drew Hey, what about Seth Green here? He's super hot.

55:25 Caller He's okay.

55:26 Caller Oh.

55:28 Caller That's fine.

55:31 Caller But Drew, you are so hot for your age.

55:36 Drew Drew, it's time to get out. It's time for you to get out of this business. That's the first time I've heard that with you.

55:41 Adam No, I've heard that a couple of times.

55:42 Caller Candy, have you ever thought about doing public relations or maybe being an ambassador to a country because you really make people feel comfortable and important?

55:48 Drew It would be great. A great PR person for a studio like, hey, you're really fat so you're probably going to laugh really hard at this new movie because you know you fat people when you're not sweating you really laugh it up.

55:59 Okay, okay.

56:00 Drew All right.

56:01 Caller Adam.

56:04 Adam You like the age thing.

56:06 Caller Yeah, go ahead.

56:08 Drew What's wrong with Seth by the way? What's Seth's thing? You know what's wrong with him? Is anything wrong with Seth?

56:15 Caller Um, he...

56:19 Caller I'm guessing that you called because there's something wrong with you. So why don't we address that?

56:23 Drew Okay.

56:23 Caller Okay, well, one more thing. Adam, would you have sex with a 16-year-old?

56:30 Caller Yeah, sure.

56:31 Drew I mean, not a chick.

56:36 Yeah.

56:37 Caller Okay.

56:38 Drew All right.

56:38 Caller My question. I am, like, I get really obsessed with, with guys.

56:44 Caller Named Adam Carolla?

56:46 Caller No, actually, I'm really obsessed with Scott Weiland.

56:49 Drew Right?

56:49 Adam Oh, poor Scott.

56:50 Caller Yeah. He's, he's...

56:52 Drew Drew knows Scott Weiland. You have to go, oh, dear Jesus.

56:56 Adam No, he's a poor Scott.

56:57 Drew Oh, poor Scott.

56:58 Caller All right.

57:00 Caller I love him. He's a god.

57:02 Drew Yeah. He's a, he's a hot guy.

57:04 Caller He's... I don't just like him for his looks either. That's just a plus. I love his music.

57:09 Drew Okay. Fantastic. So what do you want us to do?

57:12 I don't know.

57:13 Drew Thank you.

57:13 Caller Who cares?

57:15 You're so mean.

57:16 Drew Well, what do you want us to do about it?

57:17 Caller Well, I just... I'm like, I get obsessed with, like, older guys. Like, I had a one-night stand, like, during vacation with a 23-year-old.

57:27 Where?

57:29 Caller It was at a bar.

57:32 Adam What were you doing at a bar? You're 16.

57:34 Caller I know. They, like, they let me get in.

57:38 Where?

57:39 Caller Mazatlan.

57:40 Drew Oh, that's great. Yeah.

57:42 Yeah.

57:42 Drew No rules.

57:43 Caller All right.

57:44 Drew Hey, Candy?

57:45 Caller Yeah?

57:45 Caller Where's your dad?

57:46 Caller Huh?

57:46 Drew Where's your dad?

57:48 Caller Oh, he's here at home. He's great.

57:50 Drew Do you like him?

57:51 Caller He's a nice guy. Yeah.

57:52 Drew You love him?

57:52 Caller Yeah, but my mom's crazy.

57:54 Drew Okay. Well, that's where you get it.

57:56 Adam Why? What's the deal?

57:57 Caller Because she's like a crazy foreign lady. Like Minka.

58:04 Drew Ooh, number one Asian big boob queen.

58:06 Caller Yes.

58:08 Drew What's your mom's nationality?

58:10 Caller She's Mexican.

58:11 Drew Oh, that's trouble. Because when they're crazy, they just go, ay, and they hit you all the time.

58:16 Caller Yeah.

58:16 Drew Ay. And they swat, ay, ay. They chase you around like out of the kitchen and smack you in the back.

58:22 Caller Yeah. And like she really hates me and she's letting my 18-year-old brother like beat me up if I like say anything.

58:30 Caller Okay. Is this your birth mother?

58:32 Caller Yeah.

58:33 Drew So everything's a mess.

58:34 Caller Yeah.

58:35 Drew Okay. But you're not going to solve it by trying to bang Scott Weiland or... No.

58:40 Caller I don't want to have sex with him. I just want to talk to him.

58:43 Adam But, Candy, what generally you're doing is you're using arousal. You're using these sort of ex-thrilling environments and circumstances to manage or escape all the feelings you have about this chaotic home environment. So, you know, those traumas need to be dealt with in a more direct way, in a way that's not potentially so self-destructive for you.

59:00 Drew What do you know, old man? I say live. Live. Life is for the young.

59:04 Caller I look great.

59:05 Drew You do. Yeah. Drew does look good for an old man, doesn't he?

59:09 Caller Drew is at an indefinable age.

59:11 Drew Yeah, he is. He's like...

59:12 Caller If you look at him, you can't tell how old he is.

59:14 Drew No, to me he's like... Remember on the Kentucky Fried Chicken Bucket, Colonel Sanders? He's always the same guy. It's not like he got older as you got older. He's the same dude.

59:24 Adam No, he's always young.

59:26 Drew Well, maybe that wasn't the most flattering.

59:30 Adam Should I wear a goatee?

59:31 Drew John?

59:31 Caller Look more like Colonel Sanders.

59:33 Drew Yeah, and put a little wax in it.

59:35 Adam Yeah?

59:35 Drew John, you're 32.

59:37 Adam Yeah.

59:37 Hey, how's it going, guys?

59:38 Drew Good.

59:38 Caller Seth, love your work. Thanks. Dr. Drew, I've got a quick question for you. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. My psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever it is, gave me clonazepam, .5 milligrams. I take it once a day. I take it before I go to bed. I've read a lot of conflicting things about it being addictive, and I wanted to hear what you had to say about it.

59:56 Adam Well, you're taking a very, very low dose, and it is a long-acting benzodiazepines, and all benzodiazepines and hypnotics have the potential to be addictive, and all, even if they don't cause addiction, can cause dependency. Okay. Clonazepam is the safest in that whole class, and if you do not have a risk for addiction, if you're not an addict, you should feel free to take it. That's a low dose. It's a good medicine for generalized anxiety. If you don't have a family history of addiction, you've never used drugs yourself, you've never been diagnosed with addiction, it's perfectly safe. However, occasionally I've seen psychiatrists give clonazepam or clonazepam to addicts, and I've never seen an addict stay sober while taking that medicine.

1:00:33 Drew What's the difference between clonazepam and clonazepam, and why can't they just make the words a little easier? You know what I mean?

1:00:40 Adam Yes.

1:00:40 Drew Everyone, so you know what this is? This is so all the laymen look like jackasses when they go, um, my doctor has me on, um, uh, the, um, McDoosh around, McClase-Doosh.

1:00:53 Adam No, there's still, there's still a throwback to, like, alchemist, you know, we have to use specialized languages and incantations to try to, you know, part of the drama of being a healthcare provider.

1:01:03 Drew Couldn't we just give them all numbers? You know, I'm like, I'm on A1, I'm on A2, and go all the way through that, then you go to the B1s and the B2s.

1:01:12 Adam How about X1, R1, Blue Pill?

1:01:15 Drew Yeah, or just call them by the shape. Yeah, because these poor people can never do it, it's embarrassing. What's that, Seth?

1:01:24 Caller I'm taking the triangles now.

1:01:27 Drew That's a little, that's your lucky charms or vioagula. David, you're 17?

1:01:32 Caller Yes, I have a question. First of all, I met a girl when I was at the KFC and I went around and she said I looked kind of cute, so I just wanted to talk to her, but I got kind of nervous.

1:01:45 Drew You met a girl at Kentucky Fried Chicken?

1:01:47 Caller Yeah, when I was on a drive-through.

1:01:49 Drew Were you working?

1:01:50 Caller No, I was going around just to pick up some food for my mom and dad.

1:01:54 Adam Was she working?

1:01:56 Caller Yes, she was.

1:01:56 Caller All right.

1:01:58 Caller And I just kind of got a little nervous and she asked me if I lived around the area, and then she asked about my Afro, and then I got kind of nervous, and when I was telling the guy, I just drove off without asking for a number or anything. I was just wondering.

1:02:10 Drew Hold on a second. A guy with an Afro eating fried chicken? I don't buy it. Thanks for, Drew wrote that down and slid it across the desk. David?

1:02:19 Caller Yes.

1:02:20 Drew You're a black guy? Yes. That's where you get the Afro?

1:02:23 Caller Yes.

1:02:23 Drew I got an Afro, too, you know?

1:02:25 Caller Yeah.

1:02:25 Drew Why are you so panicky?

1:02:28 Caller I'm nervous my mom's going to come in and try it.

1:02:30 Drew I see. And how old was this lady?

1:02:33 Caller She's about 17, 18.

1:02:35 Drew Uh-huh. So she likes you and she works the drive-through at the KFC?

1:02:40 Caller Yes.

1:02:40 Drew All right.

1:02:41 Caller You're a sec'er because you couldn't talk to her?

1:02:43 Caller Well, I would just, you know, if an opportunity arises like that again, how would I?

1:02:47 Drew Well, how do you know she, I mean, she just sized you up when you pulled up?

1:02:51 Caller No. Well, she gave me an extra five hot wings and then she was complimenting me. She gave me extra change.

1:02:57 Adam David.

1:02:58 Drew Hold on. I don't believe this.

1:03:00 Adam Let's deal with it.

1:03:01 Drew Extra hot wings. How about those wet naps? Did she throw in some extra wet naps?

1:03:06 Caller No, she did not.

1:03:07 Adam David, here's the deal.

1:03:08 Drew I pioneered something called the wet nap in the mid-80s. It was a totally different thing.

1:03:12 Adam It's a combination of two behaviors.

1:03:14 Drew Totally different.

1:03:15 Adam Yeah. David, maybe you did it while you were napping?

1:03:19 Drew Yeah.

1:03:20 Adam It was a nocturnal nap.

1:03:23 Drew I whizzed on myself in my sleep just the other night, actually, about a week ago.

1:03:26 Adam Did you really?

1:03:27 Drew Yeah. Not proud of it, but yeah, in Vegas, yeah.

1:03:30 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:03:31 Drew Nice big whiz.

1:03:32 Adam You were asleep like two...

1:03:34 Drew I had to take a whiz. Hey, David?

1:03:36 Adam You were asleep like two hours that night.

1:03:37 Drew I whizz on myself when I'm asleep, I think more than other adults do. I think other adults do it about every eight years, and I do it about every eight months.

1:03:46 Adam I have not whizzed on myself since I was four or two.

1:03:49 Caller It's been a little while, yeah.

1:03:50 Drew Really? You guys are not just saying that?

1:03:52 Caller No.

1:03:52 Drew Okay, so I feel bad. David? Go back there and get her phone number.

1:03:58 Caller Well, it's closed. I'm just wondering...

1:03:59 Drew No, not tonight. Tomorrow.

1:04:01 Adam David, here's the deal. You just... You can't... There's no way, there's no cookbook, there's no sort of guiding you through this. You just need experience laying it out there a little bit, doing it and doing it and doing it. Pretty soon it will not be that big a deal.

1:04:13 Drew Well, and here's the good news. It's drive-thru. You're in your car.

1:04:16 Adam Keep going.

1:04:17 Drew I wish when I was in high school I could have driven my car down the holes and asked women out. If you didn't get the right answer you just step on it or start rolling the window up like it'd be like, Hey, you want to go to the movie this weekend? Well, I can't... And I just start rolling the window up like my aunt's coming in town. Thank you.

1:04:37 Adam But you don't feel so insecure, not so exposed. You got a big car around you.

1:04:40 Drew Yeah, you're in your car. Yeah, don't do it. Don't pay with change and do a move like that. That's not going to work. But just pull up, ask her for a number, and either she says yes or no. And if she says no, you're gone. And then you can't go back there for a few months.

1:04:56 Adam Maybe we should go out sometime. What do you think? That's it. That's simple.

1:04:58 Drew Oh, I thought you were talking to me.

1:05:00 Adam I am.

1:05:01 Drew Do you want to hang out?

1:05:01 Adam Well, that business about you whizzing at yourself got me going.

1:05:05 Drew My beloved family guy. We'll take ourselves a little break. Hey there, everybody. Welcome back to more of the Best of Loveline.

1:05:16 Adam Now another friend of ours.

1:05:17 Drew Yep. Now this is a guy, this next guest, who didn't seem to get us at the beginning because we weren't laughing at his jokes. But then I explained nobody laughs around here. This is Loveline. You have to create your own support system.

1:05:30 Adam Your own version of humor.

1:05:31 Drew That's right. He caught on and fit right in. This is Jay Moore. Tonight, we'd love to welcome to the show and we're going to Jay Moore.

1:05:40 Guest Thank you gentlemen very much.

1:05:41 Drew Thank you Jay.

1:05:42 Guest I always wanted to be on the show since I first moved to LA and I had a studio apartment.

1:05:47 Adam That accounts for the 40 times you was invited up here.

1:05:49 Guest In North Hollywood where people used to cook crystal meth in the hallways.

1:05:53 Caller You live next to Adam?

1:05:55 Guest Yes.

1:05:55 Drew I grew up in North Hollywood. You spent a short period of your life while your star was rising in North Hollywood, but I was born and bred in that armpit. I know exactly what you are talking about.

1:06:09 Guest Take it easy, man.

1:06:10 Drew I'm sorry. You just brought up some memories.

1:06:13 Guest Write down some lyrics. Let's take it on the road.

1:06:16 Drew You just missed it because between the three of us we had a four person conversation here all talking about our own version of a televangelist that we thought we were describing to each other.

1:06:31 Guest Three yogi-bearers mumbling at each other.

1:06:34 Drew Yes. It's going to be a long night. We haven't had any comedy on this show in about a year and a half. Well, I've been on the show for about five and a half years, Jay. So it's been about five and a half. Well, but we have had comedians on.

1:06:46 Adam Occasionally, yes.

1:06:47 Drew And then what?

1:06:48 Guest They don't...

1:06:48 Drew No, they're funny.

1:06:49 Guest Oh.

1:06:50 Drew Drew was just busting my chops. Jay is the voice of... What shows I think that I really enjoy?

1:06:58 Guest Let's get to the calls without going through the biography.

1:07:00 Drew No, where is that? I was just...

1:07:02 Guest You don't have to do it for my benefit. If it's something you're genuinely curious about, then it's good.

1:07:06 Drew No, I am genuinely curious about this. Beyond the Glory. Beyond the Glory, because I was watching...

1:07:10 Guest You're listening to Loveline, Beyond the Glory.

1:07:13 Drew I was watching The Worn Moon, Beyond the Glory, last night.

1:07:16 Guest That was one of the duller ones, actually.

1:07:18 Drew No, I enjoyed it. And it's on my TiVo lineup. And I loved the hell out of that show. I mean, I saw the Mother's Day thing before.

1:07:26 Guest Right after that new Lifetime sitcom.

1:07:29 Drew No, I watched the hell out of that show. And I was sitting there watching it last night. And I was thinking, who does the voice for this?

1:07:36 Guest It never dawned on you?

1:07:37 Drew Never dawned on me. I did not recognize your voice.

1:07:40 Guest Did you want to know who did the voice? Because you, in particular, liked the voice? You thought it was...

1:07:44 Drew No, I was thinking, that guy, how inappropriate. That guy sucks. No, I don't know why. I was watching last night. And I was watching The Worn Moon one, which I love them all because it's sports and it's sort of truth and it's biography. It's behind the music with sports. Yeah, I mean, I've seen...

1:08:01 Guest It's VH1 behind the music with sports.

1:08:03 Drew I've seen, you know, Deion Sanders and...

1:08:05 Guest Drew, not talking on the radio. That's a good career move. Go ahead, Adam.

1:08:08 Drew Oh, no, that's his bread and butter.

1:08:10 Adam You guys are doing plenty of talking. Thank you.

1:08:11 Guest You guys flipping through Drugs magazine.

1:08:14 Drew I just think that's a cool gag.

1:08:15 Adam I think I saw Holly three times, four times, my kids, and I cannot remember what the movie is about.

1:08:19 Guest Oh, it's actually good. Like, sometimes guys will try to clown me like, yeah, Paulie. And I actually feel comfortable looking at them and saying, no, actually, that's a good movie.

1:08:29 Drew Yeah, the Parrot Movie.

1:08:30 Guest I mean, it's a kid's movie. It's not, you know, it's not casino for crying out loud.

1:08:35 Drew All right. Drew, you want to just keep reading and bring up random things?

1:08:38 Adam Yeah, when you guys are done, I'd like to go to some calls. What do you mean when we're done?

1:08:41 Guest We're just talking because nothing else is happening because you're sitting there reading the paper.

1:08:45 Drew That's right.

1:08:45 Adam He's in the control seat right now.

1:08:47 Drew Nicole?

1:08:48 Caller Yeah.

1:08:48 Drew You're 18?

1:08:49 Caller Yeah.

1:08:50 Drew What's wrong?

1:08:52 Caller Well, I can only have an orgasm when I use a vibrator.

1:08:57 Drew All right. Hold on. Drew's got his wallet out. There may be some gambling going on. We haven't done this in a while. Jay, you have any money? You have a dollar?

1:09:05 Guest Yeah.

1:09:06 Drew All right. We're going to gamble. We haven't done this in weeks.

1:09:09 Caller You know what?

1:09:10 Guest I'm happy to be here, you guys, and this makes it more fun because when I play PlayStation in my house, it's like the floor of the stock exchange, my friends and I. $20 a home run, $1.50 a game, fillings in the bullpen and extra $5. It's ridiculous. What the hell is going on and why is my money on the table?

1:09:25 Drew I'll tell you why because we're going to gamble on Nicole. Now, here's how we do this. Drew says we do it as a lesson to teach people about how predictable human behavior is. For me, it's beating up on people that are already down and making a buck at the same time. Any way you slice it, it's good for everybody. Now, I've won the last two times we've done this.

1:09:46 Adam We haven't done it like four months, I think.

1:09:48 Drew It's been a couple of months. But here's what we're gambling on.

1:09:51 Adam You're winning.

1:09:52 Drew Drew heard her voice and she's 18. When you hear that kind of screwed up little girl voice, there's always trouble. Now, the question is, what happened in her past? That's what we're gambling on. Rape, molestation, alcoholic father, maybe nothing, maybe everything's good. That's smart money sometimes too because sometimes-

1:10:12 Guest It's kind of morbid.

1:10:13 Drew They don't admit to anything. I know it is. It's a little crass. It is. It is.

1:10:17 Guest Hey, you know what? I got a dollar, says her uncle raped her.

1:10:20 Drew I'll tell you the scary part.

1:10:21 Guest That's hilarious, guys.

1:10:22 Drew Here's the-

1:10:22 Guest Put that on Lifetime.

1:10:23 Drew Here's the real sad part is-

1:10:25 Guest Put it on after Boohoo, the story of some lady.

1:10:27 Drew Is when Drew-

1:10:28 Guest Come on, nothing else funny, man.

1:10:31 Drew I think it's funny. I'm just saying that the real scary part comes is when Drew puts a buck down on molestation, and finds out she's been molested, and does a small victory dance in the studio.

1:10:44 Guest What I think is more alarming is that it's from the person's voice.

1:10:51 Drew Yeah.

1:10:52 Guest It's become entertainment for you in a way like a morning job would guess like, what kind of car you drive when you honk your horn?

1:10:59 Adam No, the reason we started doing this-

1:11:01 Guest I know that one, Toyotat yourself. My phone screener just typed it up on my computer.

1:11:04 Drew Write that one down.

1:11:06 Guest Yeah, you just get the phone screener to type in the car on the computer.

1:11:09 Adam The reason we started doing it, people, we'd go, what happened to you? Were you abused? They'd go, no, no, no. Things wouldn't make sense. We'd go, wait a minute, were you sure you weren't abused? They'd go, well, but I've dealt with it. It has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. So we started saying, hey, look, it has so much to do with it. This whole call didn't make sense until we got to that. So now we're saying upfront, don't tell us it doesn't have anything to do with it. We know so much about what it has to do with that we can predict it just by listening to your voice. We know that's what's making you call.

1:11:37 Drew You better hope you're right now, Drew.

1:11:39 Guest I didn't reach for my wallet. So you're saying she's not, you're saying she is, Drew?

1:11:43 Drew No, no, we all got to gamble. That's what I'm saying. So let's just get that.

1:11:47 Adam And I'm just saying that this one may not be that screwed up.

1:11:49 Drew Let's get started. No, her voice was screwed.

1:11:51 Guest What am I betting on?

1:11:52 Drew Here, I'll give you some options. It'll make it very easy.

1:11:55 Guest Because I'm going to bet just for law of averages that she's calling the show and she sounded like she was crying.

1:12:04 Drew But remember, we're betting on her past.

1:12:06 Guest Yeah, I'm going to bet she's been...

1:12:07 Adam She had a normal family life.

1:12:08 Guest I think one out of three women have been... Everybody's been...

1:12:11 Drew So what are you going with?

1:12:12 Guest Of course she's been touched by somebody.

1:12:13 Drew Molested.

1:12:14 Adam Of course.

1:12:15 Drew What age?

1:12:15 Guest And that encompasses even the shower curtain being removed just so you can watch from a distance. We're not talking about touching.

1:12:23 Adam You're talking about something you were doing or what?

1:12:24 Guest No, I'm just saying there's a lot of way to get in a kid's head and freak him out.

1:12:27 Adam Okay, so what age?

1:12:28 Drew You got an age?

1:12:30 Caller Say eight.

1:12:31 Guest No, I'm going to say, no, okay, here it is. Ready? Check this out. All right. And I'll do a little victory dance. Early Bloomer, right?

1:12:41 Adam Right.

1:12:42 Guest Funky Father.

1:12:43 Adam Yeah.

1:12:44 Guest All right. I'm going to say right around 16.

1:12:46 Adam Okay.

1:12:47 Guest I got a little or no, you don't know. Early Bloomer. So I'm going to say about, I'm going to say 13, 14. She was like the first girl with like.

1:12:53 Drew 13, 14.

1:12:54 Adam Good bet.

1:12:54 Drew Maybe dad. All right. I'm going to go dad not around, stepdad, bad guy but didn't do the damage, maybe stepfamily brother, something like that.

1:13:08 Adam All right. So you're getting sexual abuse.

1:13:09 Drew Yeah. I'm going to go with stepbrother, sexual abuse.

1:13:13 Guest The dark horse, stepbrother.

1:13:15 Drew That's a tall one.

1:13:16 Adam I'm going alcoholic dad. Yeah. Or stepdad. I think there might be like a bit of stepdad came along. And then physical abuse.

1:13:26 Guest Let me see what the card say now.

1:13:28 Drew No sexual abuse.

1:13:29 Guest We need Cleo to read it, put her cards down now.

1:13:31 Drew All right. Nicole?

1:13:33 Caller Yeah.

1:13:34 Drew All right. What do we got?

1:13:37 Caller Nothing really.

1:13:39 Drew Oh, no. And hairs were all praying. Please, please be molested at some point.

1:13:45 Caller No, I mean, my dad isn't around, but I was never really, I was never molested or anything.

1:13:52 Adam No one ever struck you, hit you?

1:13:54 Drew Oh, here's for Drew Lobbies.

1:13:55 Adam No one ever hit you?

1:13:56 Drew Well, hold on a second. Drew, you may owe us because you reach for your wallet. Nicole?

1:14:03 Adam No, no, wait. I still...

1:14:04 Drew Let me do the question. The kids respect me. Nicole, your dad left when you were how old?

1:14:11 Caller Um, like 13.

1:14:14 Drew 13?

1:14:15 Caller Yeah.

1:14:16 Drew And so he left fairly recently. And why did he leave?

1:14:21 Caller My parents got the war.

1:14:23 Drew Okay. And do you know why?

1:14:25 Caller He was cheating on her.

1:14:26 Drew Cheating on her?

1:14:27 Guest With you?

1:14:28 Drew Interesting. With you? No, not with you. That's too bad.

1:14:33 Guest We all could have made a buck.

1:14:34 Drew Did he drink?

1:14:35 Caller Um, no.

1:14:36 Drew No? Not a drink. Or any drugs? Any marijuana, pills, anything like that?

1:14:42 Caller No, not that I know of.

1:14:44 Drew What did he do for a living?

1:14:46 Caller He's a meanest man.

1:14:47 Drew I see.

1:14:48 Guest Oh, there are always child molesters.

1:14:51 Adam Mom using?

1:14:51 Drew And what about Mom?

1:14:55 Caller She's a religious. She doesn't do anything like that.

1:14:58 Drew Yeah. What was she doing before she found Jesus Christ?

1:15:01 Caller I don't know. She found him pretty early.

1:15:04 Drew Oh, okay. Selling ass. All right. So she wasn't shooting heroin or anything before she found Jesus?

1:15:10 Caller No.

1:15:11 Drew All right. And so your mom didn't remarry? So she's still single?

1:15:17 Caller Yeah.

1:15:17 Drew And when did you lose your virginity?

1:15:20 Caller When I was 15.

1:15:22 Drew All right.

1:15:22 Caller A month before I turned 16.

1:15:24 Drew How old was the guy?

1:15:26 Caller 15.

1:15:27 Drew All right.

1:15:27 Caller 14.

1:15:28 Guest I don't like this gambling bet because I still don't know why she called.

1:15:31 Drew We don't get anything. This snake eye is here, Drew. What?

1:15:35 Adam Unacceptable.

1:15:35 Drew No, I accept that. I didn't hear it in her voice.

1:15:38 Adam I'm, the addiction thing is there. I just know it.

1:15:40 Guest Why don't we ask her why she called? I don't know.

1:15:42 Adam Go with the addiction. She, so you...

1:15:45 Drew Che, I know that makes sense. It really does.

1:15:47 Guest So you, is that too expeditious?

1:15:49 Drew No, here's the problem. Drew reached for his wallet prematurely, then got into this long, meandering thing about why we know, and now he's rolled snake eyes, and now he's trying to save some face. So we gotta give him 30 seconds to try to save a little face. Go ahead.

1:16:06 Adam You're calling about the fact that you masturbate a lot, right?

1:16:08 Caller Yeah.

1:16:08 Adam How many times a day?

1:16:10 Caller Well, I used to do it a lot.

1:16:12 Adam How many times a day?

1:16:13 Caller Like four or five.

1:16:14 Adam And when, how old were you when you started doing that?

1:16:17 Caller I was pretty young, probably like 13.

1:16:20 Adam And what's happening now?

1:16:21 Guest It's 2013, gentlemen. I got that in there. Put your left foot in, at least. I got a toe in the water.

1:16:27 Adam What's happening right now?

1:16:29 Caller Well, I masturbate a lot and I do it pretty much every chance I get. And every guy that I've been with, I've never been able to get an orgasm. I mean, I can only do it with a vibrator. I can do it with my fingers.

1:16:41 Adam All right. And do you do drugs or alcohol yourself?

1:16:44 Guest That's, I just realized she told us why she called, but we spent so long talking about it, I forgot about it. Remember when I was like lobbying to hear why she called? She already told us. Yeah, okay.

1:16:53 Adam Sorry about it.

1:16:54 Guest I apologize, gentlemen.

1:16:54 Adam But were you doing drugs or alcohol yourself?

1:16:58 Caller Sometimes.

1:16:59 Adam What drugs are you doing?

1:17:01 Caller I smoke weed sometimes.

1:17:03 Adam How many times a week?

1:17:05 Caller Probably like once or twice.

1:17:07 Adam Once or twice a week. Would you do it every day if you could?

1:17:10 Caller I used to do it every day, but I stopped a lot.

1:17:12 Adam Okay. Did your dad never do drugs or alcohol?

1:17:17 Caller No, not that I know of.

1:17:18 Adam Why do I distinctly have that sort of feel? Is there some alcohol in your family somewhere?

1:17:24 Caller My uncle was a really bad alcoholic.

1:17:25 Adam And who is his brother?

1:17:27 Caller My dad.

1:17:28 Adam Okay.

1:17:28 Drew Well, that doesn't mean it.

1:17:30 Guest Is this 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon?

1:17:31 Adam No, she's got the gene is what I'm getting at.

1:17:34 Drew She might.

1:17:35 Caller She's got the gene.

1:17:36 Guest What's that got to do with cranking one out with a vibrator?

1:17:39 Drew That's true.

1:17:39 Adam She's compulsive with it a little bit.

1:17:41 Drew All right. I'll give Drew that.

1:17:43 Guest Everything she really likes having orgasms.

1:17:45 Adam And she can't perform with a guy because she's so compulsive about her masturbating.

1:17:50 Drew Hey, Nicole. Yeah?

1:17:52 Guest Can you have, I'm sorry, can you have an orgasm while you masturbate while a guy is having intercourse with you?

1:17:58 Caller Huh?

1:17:59 Guest Could you use your vibrator on yourself and bring yourself to orgasm while you are having intercourse with a guy?

1:18:05 Caller Um, yeah.

1:18:06 Caller You could?

1:18:08 Caller Yeah, probably.

1:18:09 Guest So, then you are having orgasms while you are having intercourse.

1:18:12 Caller Yeah, but it's not from the guy. It's from the vibrator.

1:18:15 Caller Well, look, when I'm with a chick.

1:18:16 Guest A little separation issue right there. Right, Drew? Right? No, no.

1:18:18 Adam She doesn't realize that most guys can't make women have orgasms. That's just the way it is. Most women can't have orgasms while having intercourse. All right.

1:18:24 Drew What's the answer?

1:18:25 Adam The answer is...

1:18:25 Drew Drew, I'm really, I should sue you for going for your wallet.

1:18:28 Adam No, no. Here's the deal. She is using, she is an addict in evolution. She's, that gene is beginning to express itself. She's using arousal as a way of managing affect, managing feelings.

1:18:38 Guest I think that's a ridiculous leap of logic and faith.

1:18:43 Adam It's not a logic leap, it's just that's what people do.

1:18:45 Guest And the fact that she enjoys masturbating four times a day, you're going to tie that to her uncle's alcoholism somehow.

1:18:50 Adam Oh, no. I just can, I deal with addicts so much, I can just tell when somebody's got that gene. I just know it. And she, the fact that she smokes pot every day is what I'm putting that she has the gene on.

1:19:00 Guest And I think she smokes pot every day.

1:19:02 Adam Yeah, she's a marijuana addict. You have to have the alcoholism gene be a marijuana addict.

1:19:05 Drew Here's what I'm thinking about doing. I'm thinking about giving Jay his dollar back, me taking my dollar back and us tearing your dollar in half and taking one dollar down.

1:19:12 Guest I'm thinking, I'm going to give a dollar to Brett.

1:19:14 Adam There you go.

1:19:14 Drew But no, wait a minute. I think we need to leave it out here to remind us to gamble because we cannot go out on this kind of gambling night.

1:19:23 Guest We must find an excuse.

1:19:24 Caller Sorry, Brett, you're out.

1:19:26 Drew All right, he can, Brett, you can get the money if...

1:19:29 Guest Not if I win. If anybody else wins, it's all yours.

1:19:32 Drew Laura?

1:19:33 Guest Yes?

1:19:33 Drew You're 29?

1:19:34 Guest All right, I got a dollar right now that says it was her uncle on a rowboat in the middle of Lake Opec on New Jersey.

1:19:41 Drew With a candlestick.

1:19:43 Guest Yeah, in the den.

1:19:44 Drew In the library. Laura?

1:19:45 Guest Yeah?

1:19:46 Drew You're 29. What's up?

1:19:47 Caller I have a question for the doctor.

1:19:48 Adam Real quick.

1:19:49 Caller Um, I have, I've been, I've been diagnosed with depression and general anxiety. And I've been on medications for quite a while. I'm currently taking Effexor.

1:19:59 Drew All right, hold on, Drew.

1:20:00 Adam It's a quick one.

1:20:01 Drew I don't want to get into the Effexor and the depression after that long rambling nonsense. We just got in. Give me some, give me something fun here, for Christ's sake. Alicia?

1:20:12 Caller Yeah?

1:20:12 Drew You're 15?

1:20:13 Caller Yeah.

1:20:14 Guest When you golf, Adam, you take a lot of mulligans, don't you?

1:20:16 Drew Yeah, I do.

1:20:17 Guest I have no idea what's going on. I'm like all into it, like, okay, yeah, yeah. No, no. You know what, honey, you got to hold on because you're not as interesting potentially as someone else.

1:20:26 Adam Alicia, what's up?

1:20:26 Drew That's right. Go ahead, Alicia.

1:20:28 Guest Fantastic.

1:20:29 Caller Yeah, I have this like weird smell coming from a vagina.

1:20:33 Drew There we go.

1:20:34 Caller That's what I'm talking about.

1:20:36 Guest Smells like skunk vomit.

1:20:38 Caller Yeah.

1:20:39 Caller I don't know what it is.

1:20:40 Adam Are you sexually active?

1:20:41 Caller No, I thought I had like an infection or something.

1:20:44 Guest Right. Sizzling in hot garbage.

1:20:46 Adam That would be the most common reason for that. So you got to see a doctor and get treated for that.

1:20:50 Drew You having sex?

1:20:52 Adam No. Anything going in there?

1:20:55 Caller Only my finger.

1:20:56 Adam Yeah, maybe some introduce some bacteria.

1:20:57 Guest Maybe you should wash your hands.

1:20:58 Adam Yeah, you can get bacteria in there. But it usually is infection that causes it.

1:21:02 Guest Do you guys usually have comics on the show ever? I feel like I'm just breaking my head against a brick wall.

1:21:07 Drew Oh, no, no, no.

1:21:08 Guest I'm coming up with some real funny stuff here. So I'm pretty much playing to people in their cars right now.

1:21:11 Drew Don't expect us to respond.

1:21:13 Guest I mean, skunk vomit, just out of nowhere.

1:21:16 Drew No, that's good. Yeah, you know, I was actually thinking about that.

1:21:19 Guest I'm freaking drowning over here. I got to materialize people in their cars in Oklahoma going, thank God Jay Moore's in there because I'm in the middle of nowhere and he's saying funny things and I'm high. And it's even funnier that they're not laughing at him.

1:21:32 Drew Jay, did you say you were high or the guy in Oklahoma?

1:21:34 Guest No, the guy that's in his car is laughing because no one's laughing at my jokes.

1:21:38 Drew Is this another comedian? I'm lost. No. Look, skunk vomit, hilarious. Write that down. Skunk vomit. Write that down.

1:21:47 Guest What about the chick that's depressed?

1:21:49 Drew We're going to get to that.

1:21:50 Guest Look, fill the tub with Listerine, laying it with your legs open, it's not going to smell anymore. I don't know if it's going to cure the problem, but it'll cure the symptom.

1:21:57 Drew Write Listerine top down.

1:21:58 Guest I'm going to say, like right there, that's an A plus, man. Now I'm just plugging Irvine Improv all weekend long. If you think this is funnier than the way they've been responding, come down and show me face to face.

1:22:09 Drew Hold on, I got one. Hang one of those little scented Christmas trees from your clitoris. Write that one down.

1:22:15 Guest That's a good one. Hang that from when you flick the bean. You can dangle the pine scent.

1:22:20 Drew Hey, Alicia? Jay's funny, right? Yeah. Okay, good.

1:22:24 Guest Not when he's talking about my smelly vagina. He's not.

1:22:28 Adam You do need to see someone. It needs to be treated. You could try some. You really need to get seen to this.

1:22:32 Guest Do you see a gynecologist?

1:22:34 Caller Yeah.

1:22:35 Guest Have you ever asked him?

1:22:36 Caller No.

1:22:37 Guest Don't you think he notices?

1:22:39 Caller I don't know.

1:22:39 Guest What do you mean? If you smell it, he's the one looking at it.

1:22:43 Drew Hey, do gynecologists wear those masks?

1:22:45 Adam No.

1:22:46 Drew Why does a dental hygienist wear a mask but a gynecologist doesn't?

1:22:52 Adam The splashing of the splashing.

1:22:53 Drew I'm just saying if there's a gig to wear a mask.

1:22:56 Adam Gigs don't splash.

1:22:58 Drew No. I'm saying if there's a gig, meaning a job where you should wear a mask. He's been doing the show so long.

1:23:05 Guest He's been doing the show with Fred Mertz.

1:23:07 Drew He thinks everything is euphemism for vagina. It's great.

1:23:11 Guest Oh, gigs don't splash. Actually, gigs do splash. I've had them splash.

1:23:15 Adam They're not in the doctor's office.

1:23:17 Drew What I'm saying is, guys wear masks, a lot of masks, right? I mean, a lot of technicians and things wear these things. Why not a gynecologist? Wouldn't you want to wear one as a gynecologist?

1:23:28 Guest That would seem impersonal.

1:23:30 Drew Yeah, I think we're building on that.

1:23:32 Adam You're not taking a drill with stuff flying out of it.

1:23:35 Drew Yeah, but they'll squirt you like a sea anemone once in a while. We've talked to those women on this show. We're going to take a break. We're going to regroup here. Anderson, do you got some canned laughs for Jay Morris?

1:23:50 Guest No, that's the kiss of death. That means you hate me.

1:23:53 Drew No, I think Jay's funny.

1:23:54 Guest That's the kiss of death.

1:23:56 Drew Let me try some of Jay's material.

1:23:58 Guest You do it.

1:23:59 Caller Skunk vomit.

1:24:01 Drew All right, now be ready with that, would you Anderson? And pay attention.

1:24:06 Guest It sounds like Sinatra, Live at the Sands. What club was that taken from?

1:24:11 Drew You understand the man is spinning gold over here, and I want you to focus on the laugh track.

1:24:16 Adam Why don't you change seats so we can appreciate the groupers in the other room, too?

1:24:19 Drew What's that?

1:24:20 Adam Maybe you change positions with Jay.

1:24:21 Guest I turn around, there's four people on the floor laughing, and then I go, okay, it's not me. These guys are on, what are you, on a clownipin?

1:24:27 Caller They take too many?

1:24:29 Drew They see your chair turning and they yell, hit the deck.

1:24:34 Guest So my gig doesn't splash them.

1:24:36 Drew Listen, these dudes are supposed to-

1:24:37 Guest I called it back so you could go to commercial and still nothing. You're just, you're not a giver.

1:24:42 Adam No, that's true.

1:24:44 Drew Now come on, that was a funny-

1:24:45 Guest No, no, it's just, you know, you know, in every team, Adam, it's got to be a cyclical relationship. And I'm going 180 and I'm overextending at times.

1:24:54 Drew You're right.

1:24:54 Guest You know, and if a relationship's got to work, it's got to be a circle. That's why a wedding ring is a circle, instead of like a rectangle.

1:25:02 Drew You're right, we got to do the circle thing.

1:25:03 Guest You're not, you know, ebb and flow like the ocean. I think you're just ebb and man.

1:25:06 Adam I beg your pardon.

1:25:08 Drew Ebb and flow was a popular group from the end.

1:25:12 Adam That was a good Pearl Jam circle thing.

1:25:13 Caller Ebb and flow.

1:25:15 Drew All right, we're going to take that with Cher singing even flow. We're going to take a little break. Jay Morris here, and we'll be back.

1:25:23 Caller Hello, who is this?

1:25:24 Caller This is Loveline.

1:25:27 Drew Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That's Dr. Drew. Jay Morris, our guest tonight. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Jay Morris, guest tonight.

1:25:40 Guest See, that's funny. Like, ah, like.

1:25:43 Drew Funny stuff, funny stuff. Let me just, you know, if you missed the first segment, you missed Skunk Vomit, you missed Listerine Tub. I mean, they take some explanation, but keep in mind, that was some funny stuff.

1:25:55 Guest It's simple, if you have a funky dance floor down there, ladies, you can always fill the tub with Listerine and lay it with your legs open. We might as well just play acoustic here.

1:26:04 Adam Anderson.

1:26:05 Guest Penny?

1:26:05 Adam No, no, no, no. The Taboo 2.

1:26:08 Drew No, we're not going to hear Taboo 2 tonight.

1:26:15 Guest All right. Come on, man.

1:26:23 Drew Let's do it.

1:26:25 Guest I'll try anything. I hit to all fields.

1:26:27 Drew One of my favorite.

1:26:28 Guest I hit to all fields.

1:26:30 Drew Favorite porn movies. Taboo. Taboo 2.

1:26:33 Guest Why guys cranking their mothers? That turns you on.

1:26:36 Drew I am sister. But it's about so much more. Well, not really. It's just mother and sister. I think you got a few problems.

1:26:41 Guest I think Drew would agree with me.

1:26:42 Adam Angela on line one.

1:26:43 Guest Oh, really?

1:26:44 Drew Yeah. All right. J.Morris.

1:26:45 Guest Angela.

1:26:46 Adam Angela.

1:26:46 Guest It's Angela. It's me, Tony Danza.

1:26:48 Adam Angela, what's up?

1:26:49 Guest Hi. Who's the boss?

1:26:50 Drew Oh, I know it.

1:26:51 Caller Samantha.

1:26:54 Guest That's right, you ass of bees.

1:26:56 Adam Angela. Angela, you have a question?

1:26:58 Caller Yeah. You know, you guys really need Jimmy on the show.

1:27:02 Drew On this show?

1:27:02 Caller Whatever.

1:27:04 Adam Are you trying to put me to an early grave or what?

1:27:07 Guest He must be funnier than me.

1:27:08 Caller Bad Jimmy.

1:27:10 Adam All right.

1:27:10 Drew Go ahead there, Angela.

1:27:13 Guest Yeah, I was on my street. I could ask him.

1:27:14 Drew I'm sorry.

1:27:15 Caller Teabagging is.

1:27:17 Adam Jay?

1:27:17 Guest What is teabagging?

1:27:19 Caller Who is this?

1:27:21 Drew She wants to know what teabagging is.

1:27:22 Adam Angela 15. Angela 15.

1:27:24 Drew Term teabag.

1:27:27 Caller Is it a real term or?

1:27:29 Guest Yeah, it's when you dip your scrotum into the girl's mouth a la a teabag, hence teabag.

1:27:38 Drew Yeah.

1:27:38 Guest Comprende? Yeah.

1:27:40 Drew You're good with that, Angela?

1:27:41 Guest That's a little, like that's something to me is demeaning. Like if you're dipping.

1:27:46 Adam You're married, right?

1:27:47 Guest Yeah. How long? Happily, two and a half years.

1:27:51 Drew You want to know what the dirty Sanchez is, Angela?

1:27:53 Caller Oh, God.

1:27:54 Drew No. All right, that's enough, Angela.

1:27:56 Guest Don't do any teabagging. Rusty Trombone?

1:27:58 Adam Where in Wyoming you calling from?

1:27:59 Drew I don't know what that one is.

1:28:00 Guest Rusty Trombone.

1:28:00 Adam Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where in Wyoming are you? Cheyenne. Cheyenne.

1:28:03 Guest Child molesting, uh, Ville? Is that what you were fishing for?

1:28:07 Drew What is, uh, what is the Rusty Trombone? Wyoming.

1:28:09 Guest She must be child molested.

1:28:11 Drew What's the Rusty Trombone, Jay?

1:28:13 Guest That's a guy, uh, getting, uh, uh, manually manipulated while the woman's behind him with her, uh, you know, tongue in his rear end.

1:28:24 Drew Oh, really? Rusty Trombone. That's good.

1:28:26 Guest Drew doesn't want to hear it.

1:28:27 Drew I like that. Yeah.

1:28:29 Adam Jay suddenly had the wind taken out of his sails.

1:28:30 Drew Just, uh, we took it out. You all right? Don't worry.

1:28:33 Guest No, you see, I, uh, I, uh, I've, uh, sort of realized there's a much different pacing to the show than I had anticipated.

1:28:41 Drew Jay.

1:28:42 Guest So I'm acclimating.

1:28:43 Drew Many guests has come into this studio and tried to be entertaining. It never works. It never works. You don't see us trying to be entertaining.

1:28:50 Guest If we were all just driving in the car having the same conversation, I would be, I'm a type A personality. I'd be talking just as much, and I'm a comedian, so I think funny things come out of my mouth.

1:28:59 Drew Right.

1:28:59 Guest So I don't want you guys to think I was, like, doing bits. No, no. I thought I would interject and, like, just have, I, I was, okay.

1:29:10 Drew No, you're right. No, this is the pace.

1:29:11 Guest You're taking me out of my game.

1:29:12 Drew This is the pace of the show. Let me, let me, let me, you love baseball, right? Here's the way baseball works. You take a few pitches and you swing at a few pitches. And if one is high or outside or in the dirt, you stand back. And if you throw two in the dirt, you stand back. And then he puts one right down the pipeline. And you take a cut at it. This is the same thing. Yes, someone calls or being molested or raped or something. You sit back for a little. You take a few, let Drew. Sit back.

1:29:41 Guest You guys bet that she had been raped by her brother.

1:29:46 Drew Yeah, no, you're right.

1:29:48 Guest This place is haunted.

1:29:57 Drew Hello, everybody. Thank you for staying with us for these two hours. We appreciate you listening to the best of Loveline.

1:30:07 Adam You know, Adam, Ann really does a good job. Look at these guests.

1:30:10 Drew Yeah. That's a lot of luck. I want to thank producer Ann for putting her feminine stink on the show. Tara, don't call me Tara. Yes. I flipped that around for her now. I just saw her through the glass. She was very upset. Tara, don't call me Tara, god damn it, for doing a great job on the phones. Who's that bald kid who bucks me all the time on the phone?

1:30:31 Adam Damien.

1:30:31 Drew Damien. I want to thank engineer Anderson for making it all work. And until next time, this Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew is saying, Bahala.

1:30:44 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on the show are not necessarily those of the staff management sponsors for this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Dingle. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, December 27, 2001