Episode 1000754886903

1:01 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

1:12 Voiceover Hey, everybody. It's the Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. It's Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. This is Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. Got a little cold going on.

1:29 Adam Good times.

1:29 Drew Nice nose thing going and then the sore throat. So I have to hang my mouth wide open and breathe.

1:35 Adam As opposed to how you usually breathe? Oh, you know what would be nice right now is to get a load of you eating on my phone. Like a rhino.

1:47 Drew I can't get air unless my mouth is hanging wide open. And it's not a real attractive look. If any of you have seen that mouth hanging open look.

1:55 Adam That slack jaw look.

1:56 Drew Yeah. You look dumb. You just don't look cool with your mouth gaping wide open. It's something I found out today as I looked around. I went into my office this morning with this horrible sore throat and demanded to look at everyone's uvula. That little thing that hangs down that everyone thinks is your tonsils.

2:18 Adam People think that's your tonsils?

2:19 Drew Oh, yeah.

2:20 Adam Oh, my God.

2:20 Drew Oh, well, I don't know if everyone does, but I did growing up.

2:23 Adam Okay.

2:24 Drew I think I did.

2:25 Adam All right.

2:26 Drew Yeah, I did. Did you guys think that like if somebody said when you were in fifth grade draw some tonsils, you'd draw a mouth and then that thing hanging down in the middle of it, right? And I think I thought that was the tonsils for well into my adult life. But the point is, is I demanded to look at everybody's in the office because mine seemed to be the size of Fred Flintstone's thumb after he got it hit with a hammer.

2:52 Adam Did it draw bright red like Fred's?

2:55 Drew It was red and it was like a, it was really glowing. It was like a thumb. It was like Midget's thumb hanging from the inside of my mouth.

3:02 Adam Actually, was there an ulcer on it? Could you see a little white patch?

3:04 Drew No, no ulcer on it.

3:05 Adam Sometimes that respond, that sometimes responds to antibiotics.

3:09 Drew Oh, well, I've had it. I've decided that I may have a small penis, but I have a large uvula.

3:16 Adam Congratulations.

3:16 Drew Yeah, I've been touched by God.

3:18 Adam Have you been trying to figure out what you used to put that to?

3:20 Drew I went, well, I went, what? What you used to put it, yeah, maybe helping other penises. I went and looked at everyone in my office and I was surprised to see how much they varied.

3:31 Adam Oh yeah.

3:32 Drew Now, Jimmy's uvula, which again is the thing that hangs down in the middle of your throat when you open your mouth, looks like a little rat's tail. It's pointy, it comes to a sharp point, and it's thin and long, and I mean, it looks like if you took the last five-eighths of an inch of a rat's tail, maybe three-quarters of an inch of a rat's tail, and pinch it off, and hung it down, that's exactly, I mean, it literally comes to a point.

3:59 Adam Some people have like a little heart hanging at the end, a little... Yeah. Some people, some people drags on their tongue.

4:05 Drew His was hanging down and sort of flopped over.

4:08 Yeah.

4:08 Drew It wasn't just sitting there in the middle, like mine looks like a speed bag.

4:12 Boobadaboo, boobadaboo, boobadaboo.

4:14 Drew So my tongue does when it gets bored, works over the uvea. I looked around, I saw his brothers, he had that same sort of cat, they had the rat tail hanging there, and some other guys, I had by far the largest, so let me see yours, and I gotta see what this looks like.

4:28 Uh-oh, let's see.

4:30 Drew It's hard to see, I gotta get a flashlight.

4:34 Adam My breath in your butt?

4:36 Drew No, I got choked on a lozenge. Tell me, you're a doctor, tell me what you think of mine.

4:41 Adam I gotta get the light.

4:42 Drew I don't know, alright, there, I'm going toward the light. You ready?

4:44 Adam Yeah. Head back a little bit. You know what happens, you know what's the problem now? I looked up at the light and I got a black spot, but I did see something unusually thick. It's nice that you have one appendage that is thick.

4:58 Drew Yeah, one girthy appendage. It's inside my mouth. Alrighty, so everyone look at yours and then look at your friends.

5:04 Adam And by the way, what I also could see is that, you know, you need what's called a uvula palatoplasty. Not only do you have nasal septal problems, you have no hole going in the back of your throat either.

5:14 Drew I don't get a lot of hair in.

5:15 Adam Your tongue touches your soft palate.

5:18 Drew Yeah, I'm almost dead.

5:20 Adam You're almost occluded. All airways shut down. Why do you not sleep? Oh, my God.

5:27 Drew Yeah. Think how smart I would be if I got proper oxygen to my brain.

5:30 Adam You seriously need to get a sleep evaluation. Why did you have to say something about this?

5:36 Drew Because he's so scared to talk to me. He's busy apologizing for not having enough nitrous pumped into the waiting room. Drew, we'll get a little flashlight, take a look in there during the break, right?

5:48 Right.

5:49 Adam Tara, flashlight?

5:51 Drew No.

5:52 Adam Flashlight, please.

5:52 Drew I got one in my car. Osman?

5:55 Yeah.

5:56 Drew You're 22?

5:57 Caller Yeah, 22.

5:59 Drew Yeah. Sorry, buddy.

6:01 Adam How are you doing? Good.

6:02 Drew Are you on a speakerphone?

6:03 Caller Yeah, right now.

6:04 Drew All right. Hold on a second.

6:06 Adam I want to get back on a headset.

6:08 Drew Scott?

6:09 Caller Yes.

6:09 Drew 21?

6:10 Caller Yes.

6:11 Drew What's up?

6:11 Caller How are you guys?

6:13 Drew Good. I got a little sore throat, but that's good.

6:16 Caller How is Dr. Drew?

6:17 Adam I'm fine.

6:17 Caller Good. I hear you're a passionate, passionate man.

6:20 Drew Passionate man.

6:22 Adam Even in Buffalo, they know that, huh?

6:23 Caller Yes, I'm from Buffalo. My question is, is me and my girlfriend were trying to have a kid, and we noticed the other day that my sperm came out of her. Right. I don't know if that's normal or-

6:39 Adam That's normal.

6:39 Drew Were you guys eating and she burped? She belched.

6:42 Caller No, no, no. I mean, right after we were- Excuse me. Excuse me. Right after we were done making out.

6:51 Drew Oh.

6:51 Adam She stood up and bowed.

6:52 Caller No, she wasn't standing up. She was still laying down. She laughed because I made a joke and it came out.

6:58 Drew Wow. Man, you must be funny. I got one guy to do that out of his ass once, but never a chick. Never a chick. Wow.

7:09 Adam That's normal and it does not significantly reduce the probability of pregnancy.

7:14 Drew It doesn't. Why not?

7:16 Adam You get plenty in there.

7:19 Caller Because I read that sperm lives up to 72 hours inside a woman.

7:23 Adam Yes, it is, but it's in there. Believe me, it's like, it will be an equivalent. There's millions of sperm in there. You don't have to have every drop of fluid in.

7:34 Caller But it didn't just happen just a little bit.

7:36 Adam Listen, it's fine. It's fine. Don't worry. It's fine.

7:38 Caller The thing is, she's also on depression medicine.

7:41 Adam Yeah.

7:42 Caller And I hear some girls get She shouldn't. Depressed during pregnancy.

7:46 Adam Well, after pregnancy is when it happened. But she shouldn't be getting pregnant on depressive medicine.

7:51 Caller So that's, I should talk to her about that?

7:53 Adam She needs to talk to her doctor about that, yeah. I mean, it's not that they are absolutely contraindicated, but there are concerns about that.

7:59 Drew Well, how depressed can she be? She's having a good romp in the sack and then a nice laugh with a bubbling crude coming out of her. I mean, what's wrong with that? Eric?

8:13 Hi.

8:13 Drew Hey, you're 16. What's up?

8:15 Caller Yeah. For the past year and a half now, I've been getting more and more attracted to guys. Yeah. Sorry. It's just a little weird. I don't know if I'm like, I want to tell my friends and my parents that I'm gay.

8:35 Adam Why?

8:37 Caller I don't know.

8:38 Adam There's definite Mason jar behind us. I just feel it.

8:40 Caller I just feel like I want to tell them.

8:43 Drew Yeah. All right. Well.

8:45 Caller But I don't know how. I mean, how can I tell them without like-

8:49 Adam Why don't you hold off? Why don't you pick some friends that you know or care about you, who are close with you, and tell a couple of them, but realize that you don't accomplish anything really by telling your parents or your family, unless you're convinced that they will be totally accepting and cool with it. If you have any concerns about how they're going to react, this includes friends as well. Get a group of gay friends who've been through this together, and get some support going and think about it, and there's no advantage to doing it at this point.

9:19 Caller Yeah. There's not really like many gay people I know.

9:22 Adam Well, there's gay and lesbian youth centers, and certainly you're in Phoenix, and probably several there.

9:27 Drew Well, have you ever been with a guy?

9:29 Caller Um, just once. And it didn't get really anything.

9:37 Drew How do you know you're gay?

9:38 Caller What?

9:39 Adam He's increasingly attracted to guys.

9:41 Drew All right. All right. Oh, look. Why don't you wait till you're sure you're gay? OK. You don't want to make that move.

9:46 Adam Just think about it, Eric. Guys don't sit down at the dinner table, announce the first time they have a, because I'm tired, any kind of sexual relationship with anyone. They don't announce that. Why do you feel you have to announce this potential that you have? It's not even something you're doing yet.

10:01 Drew Are your parents religious?

10:03 Caller No, not at all.

10:04 Drew Well, do you love them?

10:06 Caller Yeah, I like them a lot.

10:08 Drew You get along with them well?

10:09 Caller Yeah, most of the time.

10:10 Drew How do you think they'd be if they found out you were gay?

10:13 Caller Um, I don't know. I mean, I'm sure my mom would be pretty receptive. Um, her sister is the lesbian and, uh, I mean, she was fine with it. Her sister's where just her uncle, or my uncle's had a problem with it.

10:25 Drew All right.

10:25 Caller All right.

10:26 Adam He's had a problem.

10:27 Caller What? Well, they didn't talk to her for about, like, three or four years.

10:31 Adam This is your mom's brother.

10:34 Caller My mom, two of my mom's brothers.

10:36 Adam Didn't like the fact that their sister was gay.

10:39 Caller Right.

10:40 Adam So there's something going on in the family here that you don't really want to deal with all that. You're 16. Just get some friends together who've been through this, who can support you and talk about it, think about it. And then when the time comes, go right on ahead.

10:51 Drew Yeah. You know, I think I get a sore throat from talking too much, too, you know? Do you know that I'm frequently cut off by my friends' phone machines?

11:15 Adam Because you're so slow.

11:16 Drew That I receive the allotted time.

11:18 Adam No, it's because there's so much silence in between each word.

11:20 Drew I've got too much stuff in there.

11:22 Adam No, no, no. It's just like, beep.

11:27 Drew No, how dare you? No, I just have a lot to say and I end up getting cut off. And then I have to call back and oftentimes I'm cut off the second time.

11:34 Adam Do you sound like that?

11:36 Drew Like this or like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Basically, yeah. And you know, I said to Jimmy today that phone machines need to be able to decipher the difference between inane ramblings of some family member and poignant social commentary delivered by a professional like myself.

11:57 Adam Or just a receiver left off the hook.

12:00 Drew Yes, thank you. Osmond?

12:03 Caller Yes.

12:04 Drew Can you get off the speaker phone, please?

12:06 Caller I'm off the speaker phone now, buddy.

12:08 Drew Really?

12:09 Caller Yeah.

12:10 Drew Are you in a bathroom?

12:11 Caller Yeah, right now. I just cut down the way in.

12:13 Drew Can you get out of the bathroom?

12:14 Caller Yeah, hold up. Let me get my zipper up.

12:16 Drew All right, hold on.

12:20 Adam Well, an evening with Osmond.

12:21 Drew I guess Osmond does a lot of national radio, very relaxed.

12:26 Very relaxed.

12:28 Drew You know, my other huge invention, Drew. I got fruit in the middle yogurt. I got the heated sofa.

12:34 Adam Yeah.

12:34 Drew Oh, man, that is huge. I got jeans with panty lines sewn into them.

12:39 Adam Right, right, right.

12:40 Drew And now I got the flush delay on the toilet. I've talked about this before.

12:44 Adam You set the timer.

12:45 Drew You don't have to set a timer. All I need is five seconds. I can't tell you the hundreds of times I'm on the pot. I've had a conversation and here's how it works every time. I'm talking to somebody on the phone. I've gone number two. I don't want to leave the mess in the toilet. I try to lean out of the bathroom, sort of holding the phone away as far as I can, flush and make a quick leap move away from the flush sound because there's nothing worse than someone catching you on the pot. What was that? Were you on the pot? You were taking a dump the whole time we were talking about my relatives.

13:18 Adam Your friends would be merciless.

13:20 Drew Right. But here's the problem. Oftentimes, I say, no, no, don't flush it. Don't chance it. And I just walk away. Then I hang up the phone and leave. Then I return with somebody and they say, can I use the bathroom? And I go, yeah, no problem. And there's a big duke floating in there. And they don't know. I can't explain the whole phone thing. You just, you know, you're in trouble when someone-

13:42 Adam You bring a date back to your house?

13:43 Drew You know you're in trouble when someone wants to use your bathroom and you hear the door shut and the toilet flush immediately. You go, are they done already? And then you think, nope, there must have been something in there.

13:56 Adam It's no wonder your housekeeper has post traumatic stress disorder, you know?

14:00 Drew I have to pay for therapy. Mike?

14:02 Yes.

14:03 Drew You're 24?

14:04 Caller Yes.

14:05 Drew What's up?

14:06 Caller Well, first of all, I want to know when you're going to do the Howard Stern show again.

14:10 Drew Oh, jeez. I don't know. It hasn't been that long. It's only been a month or two, right?

14:18 Caller That was the best Howard Stern two days I've ever listened to.

14:22 Drew Well, thank you. I imagine when I or when we go back there, we'll do it whenever we go to New York. Thanks.

14:30 Caller That sounds good. My question is for Dr. Drew. I'm a pharmacy technician for a pretty big chain of pharmacies. My problem is I've got three or four times a customer has come in with a valid doctor's prescription for the morning after pill, and the pharmacist refuses to fill the prescription. And not only that, not only will he refuse, but he'll call other pharmacies around town and tell them to refuse.

15:06 Adam Well, have you tried talking rationally to this person?

15:09 Caller Yes. He says in his mind it is abortion.

15:13 Adam Why doesn't he stop prescribing any birth control then?

15:16 Drew Well, that's not an abortion, the point of the matter.

15:19 Adam But why does he start refusing to fill any? Because they all have the same potential to have a...

15:23 Caller Well, I brought that up to him, and quite frankly, I tried to get into a rational discussion, and I admittedly don't have all the facts about the differences between the morning after pill and regular birth control.

15:36 Adam Get it. Get the facts. There really is almost no difference. Go research it yourself. That's what you got to do. And you got to get the current stuff, because the old stuff looks a little iffy. It looks like maybe it does impair implantation, because that's where all the research was directed, and if you look at the effect on implantation, it looks exactly the same as Celebrex and Vioxx and other birth control pills used the way they're supposed to be used. So go get them. Get them the stuff. Get them the literature.

16:04 Drew Let me tell you what people really have a problem with. It is the, we are doing something after the fact to try to prevent a pregnancy, and that's what freaks them out. Do you know what I mean? It's the order of things. It's not the science of things.

16:21 Caller His main point was that fertilization had already taken place.

16:24 Adam No, no, Mike, no. It works by preventing the egg from being released. It has no more probability of allowing fertilization than the other pill. And when fertilization does take place, it only works 70% of the time. That 30% fertilization took place. They get pregnant.

16:44 Drew Hey, but let me say this too, and I don't know the legalities of this, but can't you tell that goddamn old timer just to, hey, grandpa, give me the drugs and save the moral evaluation for your screwed up lesbian kid?

16:57 Caller Well, what I was going to ask, okay, this has happened with three different patients and three different pharmacists, believe it or not. And like I said, he calls other pharmacies and tries to tell them to...

17:08 Adam But Mike, arm yourself with the facts.

17:10 Drew Wait a minute, wait a minute, though. I don't understand this. Like, if I want to, suppose I want something for herpes or crabs or some condoms, he's not, he's there to dispense these things. He's not there to make moral judgments. I would say that it would be against the law, is it not?

17:28 Caller I don't think it's against the law for him to refuse.

17:30 Adam No, no, it's all right for him to refuse. I don't, I take not objection to what he does, that it's irrational what he's doing. And if he would choose to have no oral contraceptives and get Vax and Celebrex off the shelf at his pharmacy, then I'd say, well, there you go. He believes a certain way and that's fine. Let's not argue with him. But he's irrational that he should pick this product as the one that he takes issue with. How does he feel about certain kinds of IUDs?

17:55 Caller He's fine with them.

17:57 Adam Think about this.

17:58 Caller I'll be honest. I really, I don't know the names of some of this stuff. So if an IUD was being prescribed.

18:04 Adam No, no, it's just IUD, it's a certain kind of contraception that's in the uterus.

18:08 Caller What I was really wondering, what would be my options to tell some of these people? I mean, if they're getting denied.

18:13 Adam Why don't you find a pharmacy that you know does do this, somebody you can sort of form a relationship with, or at least an alliance with, who sees the facts the way they are, they need to be in touch?

18:27 Drew Listen, these people need to be punished, and they need to be punished in the way that makes this country great, which is no more business. You need to say to these people who are coming to you, look, who's the doctor who sent you here? Someone needs to get word back to the doctor and say, hey, no more sending people over to this guy.

18:49 Adam That's a good point.

18:49 Drew And you know what? You screw up a couple of chicks with the morning after pill, and you don't get the other 99% of business. I mean, this is the way this capitalist system works. People gotta feel the pinch a little bit.

19:03 Adam Vote with their feet.

19:04 Drew They vote with their feet? Oh, okay, I was picturing you punching those little things out with your feet. With their feet?

19:12 Adam No, no, not literally.

19:12 Drew No, yeah, that's right. You vote with your pocketbook, too. But you always think as gay that word pocketbook, especially when they refer to like, oh, you really feel the pinch in your pocketbook.

19:24 Adam Well, you like underpants.

19:26 Drew Say wallet.

19:26 Adam But you don't like pocketbook.

19:28 Drew Wallet, pocketbook sounds gay on a guy, doesn't it?

19:31 Adam And underpants?

19:33 Drew Underpants is okay.

19:34 Adam Okay.

19:35 Drew Pocketbook is gay for a guy.

19:36 Adam All right.

19:38 Drew You'd never refer to your wallet as a pocketbook, would you? Is your wallet a pocketbook?

19:44 Adam No.

19:45 Drew Pocketbook is like a purse.

19:46 Adam I would never use that word, period. So let's go on.

19:48 Drew All right. Okay. But listen, Drew, you're not angry enough. I don't like when... To me, this is irresponsible and dangerous and I don't want to go too crazy here, but even potentially life threatening. Well, I mean, you're steering somebody away who now could get pregnant, who could get an abortion, who could get into trouble or have a kid and have some difficulties with that. I mean, this is not a minor thing. It may seem minor, but it has grand scale implications. Somebody who, maybe this was the last day, maybe you delayed them just enough for the pregnancy to take and for them to now have to go through the emotional and physical thing of an abortion.

20:30 Adam Or how they get emotional or physical for that particular pharmacist, this individual will get an actual abortion. They will actually have an abortion.

20:38 Right.

20:38 Adam The thing you could have prevented will actually go down.

20:42 Right.

20:42 Drew Except for they think it's an abortion pill.

20:44 Adam Except it's not.

20:45 Drew OK. I'm saying you, anybody who gets any crap from any pharmacist who's passing any judgment on them or anything like this, you just take your business somewhere else and notify your doctor. I mean, Drew, if a couple of your patients came to you, albeit no one's had sex in 90 years, because they're all Jews that are about 160 years old. But if one of them theoretically had sex and a few came to you with this and said, hey, this guy's not doing it.

21:12 Adam No, he called three other pharmacies I tried to go to.

21:14 Drew You would gladly just steer all your patients somewhere else, right?

21:18 Adam I would go insane. I would call every other physician in town. I would have a big deal about it. Right.

21:23 Drew That's what everyone should do. Just get on the horn, make a few phone calls, and drive this old geezer's business right up. Thank you. Natalia?

21:33 Yeah.

21:33 Drew You're 17.

21:35 Caller Yeah.

21:35 Drew What's up?

21:38 Caller Hey, I can't even get the question out. You guys were just talking about the whole emergency contraceptive thing. How you were saying, it's only 70 percent.

21:48 Adam It's 70 percent overall over three days. If you get it in the first 24 hours, it's more towards 80.

21:53 Caller Right now, it is the first 24 hours.

21:55 Adam You can get more like 80, 90 percent out of it if you get it right now.

21:58 Caller All right.

22:00 Caller But I don't have access to it right now, and I'm just extremely nervous.

22:04 Adam Get it in the first thing in the morning. First thing in the morning.

22:06 Drew Where? Where should you get it?

22:08 Adam Do you have a doctor?

22:09 Caller No, not the one that's really, he's really close with my parents, so I don't think I can guarantee.

22:14 Adam Natalie, Natalia, if he reports to your parents, he's breaking the law.

22:19 Drew All right. But look, if they're hanging around playing golf and drinking beer, you know, loose lips.

22:25 Caller Yeah, that's why I don't think I can tell my dad. They're social friends?

22:28 Adam They're social friends?

22:29 Caller Yeah, like he'll go, like sometimes when my doctor's working late at night and my dad wants to see him, you know, he'll like bring him his dinner and stuff like that. They'll be really good friends, like go up to Santa Barbara.

22:40 Adam Go to an Urgent Care Center then.

22:42 Drew What do you mean, Urgent Care Center?

22:43 Adam Urgent Care Center, like just some sort of walk-in clinic. Or go to Planned Parenthood. Go to Planned Parenthood up there. Okay? Planned Parenthood, look, 1-800, wait, where's the phone over here?

22:52 Caller But by tomorrow, what's like the percentage?

22:55 Adam It's still in the 80-90% range. You're still, you're still, listen, it's better than not doing it. Go do it.

23:00 Drew It's 1-800-POL-OUT.

23:02 Adam It's 1-800-230-PLAN. 1-800-230-PLAN, okay?

23:09 Caller Okay, thank you so much.

23:10 Adam All right, good luck.

23:10 Drew All right, good times. I just, as we've said many times in the show, I'm very saddened that this show seems to be one of the only outlets for this information, this morning after pill information.

23:22 Adam Here's the thing, I object to abortion too. I have a problem with it. Therefore, as I look at the landscape of how I can do something to decrease abortions in this country, here it is, this prevents fertilization from taking place. Not implantation, fertilization, period. It eliminates it. And when it happens, they get pregnant. And then you got another problem to deal with.

23:46 Drew You do, here's the fundamental problem, Drew. Most of the people that are against abortion would be for this pill.

23:59 Caller If they were rational?

24:00 Drew No. No, here's what I'm saying. I'm going to modify it a little bit. Most people, everyone hates abortion and everyone thinks it's ugly. Then there's the portion who is just against it and thinks it should be illegal. And then there are the mouthpieces for that group. And I would say most people in that group are...

24:21 Adam Rational.

24:22 Drew They're rational. They're like yourself. They would like to get rid of this. But the people along the top, they're not so interested in ending the abortions. They like to punish just a little bit. You know that personality I'm talking about? You think you're just going to have sex willy-nilly and then take a pill and it's all going to be better? No. That ain't the way it's going to work. And they're very much into that. You made your bed missy, you sleep in it now. You shouldn't be able to... You know, they always get very upset about stuff being used as birth control. You can't just use abortion as birth control. You can't just have random indiscriminate sex and then expect them to have it all go... See, it's more of a message that they're trying to send than a sort of bottom line pragmatic issue, which is, look, are you against abortions or not? And who are these people? These are the ones who didn't get laid in high school, everybody, and now it has become a mission. Drew, you sat across this woman, this Jane Hathaway who was in here, crowing about Jesus and abortions and all that six months ago. Does she look like she's ever gotten a good reaming in her life? In her life? How much play you think she got in high school? Huh? No. Her stepdad had a crack at her when she was 12, and that's the last time anyone got near her. And now we're all gonna pay. We'll be right back. All right, we'll take a break. When we come back, we're gonna speak to Osman, known as Mr. Personality, to his friends and family. Osman? Hey, what's up? All right, there we go there, buddy. Hold on, hold on a second there, Osman. Osman's 22, he's a cross dresser. He uses motor oil to lube up and lube up his hand and shove it in his butt. We'll find out whether he's going with a Durablin, a full synthetic or just a standard 30 weight after this.

26:11 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

26:12 Drew We'll be right back. Hey, hey, hey.

26:49 Adam I think real candy has got to have chocolate, though.

26:51 Drew Loveline, just digging into a nice big basket.

26:56 Adam I freaked Adam out by telling him his uvula hangs on his tongue.

27:01 Drew I don't think, I've never seen it on there.

27:03 Adam Check it out. Go look.

27:04 Drew It doesn't rest on it.

27:05 Adam It's folded forward on it.

27:07 Drew No, it's just swollen up.

27:08 Adam It's swollen, but it's also resting on the back.

27:10 Drew Do I have one of the bigger uvulas you've seen?

27:12 Adam Yeah, you do, buddy.

27:14 Drew Thanks.

27:14 Adam Big boy.

27:15 Drew Yeah, I really feel good around the gym, you know, walking around with my mouth hanging open. Other guys in their puny uvulas. I tell you, it's great. It's great when you have the big uvula and you got a couple chicks and you want to go hot tubbing. These guys are all keeping their mouths closed because they're embarrassed. Not me. Now I'm just hanging on the edge of my mouth wide open. Of course, I'm wearing a towel in the jacuzzi, but the mouth wide open, man. Thanks, baby. Oh, man. Fightin a cold off here. That's what we're talking about. Osmond?

27:52 Caller Hey, what's up, dude?

27:53 Drew All right there, Osmond. So Osmond's 22. Yep. Says he's a cross-dresser.

28:00 Caller Yeah, kind of. I don't really consider it cross-dressing. It's just like a... I'm really a freak, man. I wear like three different pair of pantyhose.

28:09 Adam Something charming about his honesty and frankness.

28:12 Drew Yeah, puckish.

28:14 Caller I like to... I'll even go into public places dressed like that and, you know, I kind of get off on the way people look at me and react to the way I'm dressed differently.

28:25 Drew Well, how do they know you're wearing three pair of pantyhose? How's that show, by the way?

28:30 Caller Because that's all I wear is the three pair of pantyhose and then I've got a pair of black underwear I put on and like a black leather lace-up, kind of Marilyn Manson thing I wear.

28:42 Adam Baggot better run through a place. Like a corset, huh?

28:45 Caller Yeah, yeah, exactly. I've got a hot topic in the mall, man.

28:49 Adam And so you get...

28:50 Caller What do you do?

28:50 Drew Do you work in a video store?

28:52 Caller No, dude. I'm out of a job actually right now, so I've had all this free time on my hands and I've discovered this weird fantasy.

29:02 Drew Well, you know, they say the devil makes work for idle hands. And I think you're doing a good job of driving that point home. No. What are you doing with your ass now?

29:13 Caller Well, I'm actually pretty much working it over pretty good here lately. With all the free time. I recently had to put some oil in my car. And I only needed to put like a half quart in it.

29:30 Drew Right.

29:31 Caller And the rest I brought in with me. And, you know, I live by myself. I don't have a girlfriend or anything. So.

29:38 Drew Shocking.

29:39 Caller I figured I'd try it out and ever since then, it's really become an addiction.

29:45 Drew You pour the oil all over your hand?

29:48 Caller Or, you know, whatever object, you know, that I find that would be appropriate for that at night.

29:55 Adam What kind of appropriate object are heading up the keister there?

30:00 Caller Well, you know, the old Brute bottles?

30:03 Drew Uh-huh.

30:05 Caller A lot of times I'll use those.

30:08 Drew Yeah. Which side?

30:09 Caller I'll do the, like, the nail-polish bottle.

30:12 Adam Aren't you afraid these things are going to get stuck up there?

30:16 Caller Uh, well, I usually hold on to it, you know. I don't let it, like, you know, get lost in there or anything.

30:23 Drew What end of the Brute bottle are you using?

30:26 Caller The thin end, dude.

30:27 Drew Oh, okay.

30:28 Caller All right. By the thicker end.

30:30 Drew Well, hell.

30:31 Caller And just kind of ream it a little bit.

30:33 Drew Sure.

30:33 Caller And, you know, a lot of times I'll make it sore, and I'll kind of be proud of that fact. Oh. You know, that I've done myself that way. You know, it's really different, and I enjoy being different.

30:46 Drew Oh, yeah.

30:47 Caller Just like when I dress up.

30:48 Drew Yeah.

30:49 Caller You know, I was just kind of wondering what you guys' opinion on that was.

30:52 Drew What kind of motor oil?

30:54 Caller The 10W-40.

30:56 Drew 10W-40.

30:56 Caller My favorite brand.

30:57 Adam My favorite.

30:58 Drew Yeah, that's good. I'd go to a, I'd go to maybe a 30 grade. 30 weight. I might go to a thinner weight. During the winter, yeah, because it gets colder and the viscosity gets a little bit thicker. And you may also want to think about an additive. How many miles do you have on your anus?

31:18 Caller How many miles? Quite a, quite a bit, dude.

31:22 Drew And is this?

31:22 Adam Like STP or?

31:24 Drew Is this highway miles or a lot of stop and go?

31:27 Caller Oh, all different kinds.

31:29 Drew A lot of bumper to bumper?

31:30 Caller Bumper to bumper. Yeah. All kinds.

31:32 Drew You may want to step up to a nice additive.

31:35 Caller A nice additive? Like, are you talking like the fuel additive or something?

31:39 Drew Well, you know.

31:40 Caller Maybe a fire going?

31:41 Drew Well, there's all that, there's, you know, there's all that ZMAX stuff and all that kind of stuff. But that stuff can affect your seals.

31:50 Caller Okay.

31:51 Drew And you can leak Duke. So I'd say just step up to like, you know, an organic type thing like STP. And add that, every, every, every other Faber-Shea bottle. Every other brute bottle. Yeah. What?

32:05 Caller Like, like is this, is this kind of sadistic or?

32:08 Adam Yeah, yeah.

32:09 Drew It's not great.

32:10 Adam Oh yeah.

32:10 Caller I mean, what should I do about it? Because it's like a new, a new fantasy for me. And I really don't know how to react to it.

32:17 Adam Do you, Osmond, ever hear voices?

32:20 Caller Do I ever hear voices? On some instances, but...

32:25 Adam What do they tell you?

32:25 Caller You're insane. Like, well, I know I'm insane, but usually they only come when I'm, like, not in reality, you know?

32:32 Adam And what makes you get out of reality?

32:34 Caller Okay, well, there's certain things on this earth, if you know what I mean, that will take you to places that only things like that will take you to.

32:41 Adam You're talking about chemicals?

32:42 Caller Oh, yeah.

32:43 Drew Brute bottle? What are you into?

32:45 Caller Uh, usually the grass thing.

32:50 Drew Yeah.

32:51 Caller But, you know, like the hydroponic, you know, something.

32:57 Adam When you do good, strong weed, you start hearing voices. Do you ever see things?

33:01 Caller Oh, well, usually when I eat the psilocybin, like that, and the acid thing. But when I'm under the influence of these things, I don't, you know, do the motor oil thing.

33:13 Adam Have you done a lot of these drugs, acid at all?

33:15 Caller No. The most I've ever done is with, like, the marijuana.

33:21 Drew All right. Listen, what happened to you? Did someone rape you or beat on you or do something horrible to you? You didn't see your parents die in front of you or anything good like that?

33:31 Caller Both of my parents are alive.

33:32 Drew Oh, those poor bastards. Listen, anyway, Osmond, you got to get yourself some help, baby.

33:39 Caller Really?

33:40 Drew Oh, yeah.

33:40 Adam Yeah, there's medication to help with this.

33:42 Caller I got to get myself some help.

33:43 Drew And in a huge, huge way.

33:46 Adam Yeah, yeah.

33:47 Drew Why not?

33:47 Adam Yeah.

33:48 Drew I'm going to walk around the mall with panties on and a brute bottle hanging out of your keister. This is no way to live, especially around the holidays.

33:58 Adam No, and he's miserable.

34:01 Drew I'm miserable just talking to him.

34:02 Adam Just think about the one act of stimulating yourself in a kind of aggressive way until you harm yourself. Just that. Not a good thing.

34:13 Drew No. All right, so what should he do?

34:15 Adam You need to see a psychiatrist. You need to be honest with them. And there's ways to make you much more comfortable.

34:20 Drew All right. Speaking of screwy, what about this Anastasia there? Or what the hell name is that?

34:29 Adam All right.

34:30 Drew Yeah? Finds her dog attractive? Yeah?

34:33 Caller All right, here we go.

34:35 Drew Is that Anastasia?

34:38 Caller Anastasia.

34:39 Adam Anastasia.

34:39 Drew Is that how you spell Anastasia?

34:40 Adam No.

34:41 Caller Yeah.

34:41 Caller Well.

34:42 Adam No. What's up, Anastasia?

34:44 Caller Yeah, I'm 16. And hey, Dr. Drew, hey, Adam, I love you both. And me and my boyfriend, Shoes, they both say your names.

34:51 Drew Thank you. Thank you.

34:51 Caller And I hope you feel better, Adam. But okay, my question is, the strangest, like, weirdest things turn me on like dogs and their penises, and then very old men like Sean Connery and then fat guys.

35:02 Drew Yeah.

35:03 Caller And then I wonder if I'm just like weird or stupid or like, I don't know, crazy or-

35:07 Adam No, you're not stupid.

35:08 Drew Well, you got range, baby. I'll give you that. James Bond, dogs, and fat guys. I mean, you've covered some ground. Old guys. Give us a dog example. You have a dog you're attracted to?

35:25 Caller Well, yeah. I have a German Shepherd. And every time it itches itself, its penis comes out of that little sack holder type thing. And then it comes out and it makes me hot and stuff.

35:38 Adam How old were you when you first had sex? Or have you had sex?

35:40 Caller No, I haven't.

35:41 Drew Not had sex?

35:43 Caller No.

35:43 Adam It's like your arousal wires are kind of crossed right now. That all kinds of stimuli are evoking things that maybe they shouldn't.

35:53 Drew German Shepherd's a good looking dog.

35:55 Adam And so it suggests that something is something.

35:57 Drew It really is an attractive dog.

35:58 Adam Something went on.

35:59 Drew I'm not kidding.

35:59 Adam Something went on in your development that sort of crossed the wires and things. Were you raised in a lot of chaos?

36:07 Caller I mean, I like to make trouble, but nothing bad.

36:13 Adam Like what?

36:14 Caller Like in school, if a teacher says, don't throw toilet paper on the walls, I'll throw toilet papers on the wall to spell, like, you guys suck or something.

36:24 Adam Immediately, you'll do something oppositional.

36:25 Caller Yeah.

36:25 Drew Well, she's kind of banging for it when she says, don't throw it and gets real specific that way.

36:30 Adam So you seem to have a disorder where anytime somebody tells you not to do something, you do it.

36:35 Caller No, no, all the time.

36:36 Drew What fat guy is he into?

36:39 Caller Like, have you ever seen the Duke Harry show? Yeah. Duke Harry.

36:42 Drew Duke Harry, good. I hope he's listening. And what if you saw like a fat old German shepherd?

36:49 Caller Ooh, that's the best.

36:51 Drew Yeah, like an old fat German shepherd that looked a little like Drew Carey and Sean Connery?

36:58 Caller Yeah, yeah, I'd like that.

37:00 Drew What about your boyfriend? Is he jealous? No, because he's a fat guy in his 40s? No. No. He's my age. Okay, baby. So what's with all the acting out? Where's your dad?

37:12 Adam She's not acting out. She's not doing any of it.

37:14 Drew She says she's... No, I know, but she's a troublemaker.

37:17 Adam Oh, yeah, that.

37:18 Drew What's up?

37:19 Caller Nothing much.

37:21 Drew Where's your dad?

37:22 Caller In my house, downstairs on the computer.

37:24 Drew Yeah. Is he a good guy?

37:26 Caller Yeah, he's nice.

37:27 Drew Well, why are you a troublemaker? What do you got to prove?

37:31 Caller Well, I'm bored. Like, you know, my parents, you know, they make me go to good school.

37:37 Drew Yeah.

37:37 Caller They give me like everything I want, and I don't want everything I want. I want a boundary.

37:41 Drew Well, why don't you cut out yourself or something then?

37:43 Adam No, no, no. Isn't that interesting?

37:45 Drew Yeah.

37:46 Adam Yeah. The parents are abandoning in a way that they're just not present. She wants them to be parents. Right. And they're not. And this is kind of what I was picking up on. She didn't get the support she needed to develop herself, and so her arousal pathways got all kind of mixed up and screwed up.

38:01 Drew So she wants them to pay attention.

38:04 Adam She wants, she needs help establishing herself, and parents need to do that. She doesn't need buddies, she needs parents.

38:11 Drew All right, so you're saying the parents should pay somebody to hang around with her?

38:15 Adam Yeah, basically, that's right. No, her parents need to get involved.

38:19 Drew Okay. And isn't this why most kids act out, Drew? I mean, I know it sounds cliche, but aren't they sort of asking to be paid attention to, and disciplined, and looked at?

38:31 Adam Yeah, they're responding to something the parents are doing, or not doing.

38:35 Caller Right.

38:37 Drew Yeah, that's why I got into radio, you know.

38:39 Adam Oh, I know. You're letting your parents have it all the time.

38:42 Drew Yeah, I need people to pay attention to me now.

38:44 Adam Well, that, of course.

38:46 Drew All right, let's take ourselves a little break here, Drew.

38:49 Adam Go eat some more chocolate?

38:50 Drew No, you know, I was just talking about, I'm sick, you know? I can't eat so much.

38:55 Adam Yeah, right.

38:57 Drew Drew, you know, you're a horrible influence on me.

38:59 Caller You really are with your food over there.

39:01 Drew What is this stack of, we got a couple of baskets sent to us by our radio agent.

39:07 Adam Which are beautiful, thank you, Bob.

39:09 Drew Bob Eatman. By the way, ironically, his name is Eatman. He never stops giving us food. You know, I think he's trying to fatten us up, so we can't be on TV. That's very funny. Eatman wants to get us both up to like 350 pounds, so we can't be on TV anymore. We have more time to dedicate to radio. But ironically, named Eatman just sends us over piles of food, and we get this stuff at 10.30 at night. We start digging in by about 11, and none of it's tofu. I guarantee you that. And Drew, I would have, see, here's the deal. Once the seal on the basket is broken, it's game on. I could have easily left the sanctity of the basket alone, not popped the time in and thrown it in the trunk of my car, and brought it home. But Drew had to break in, and now it's game on. Right?

39:52 Adam There you go. But I'm having to eat in my basket, so there won't be anything left over for me to eat. See?

39:56 Drew Yeah, but now then I will eat my basket on the Ryan Hogan.

39:59 Adam That's right.

40:00 Drew OK, we'll be back. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Part of the cast of Not Another Teen Movie is going to be in here tomorrow night. I'm too sick. I'll spit my uvula out onto the microphone. All right, Crystal?

41:09 Caller Yes.

41:10 Drew 21?

41:11 Caller Yes.

41:12 Drew What's up?

41:14 Caller My husband wants me to shave my vaginal area, and I would just think that that would hurt.

41:22 Adam Means shave like bikini shave?

41:25 Caller No, the whole thing.

41:26 Adam Shave off?

41:28 Drew With a razor clean?

41:31 Caller That's what he wants.

41:32 Adam Why?

41:33 Caller I don't know.

41:34 Adam Did you ask him?

41:37 Caller He said, because that's, I don't know, he just, that's what he wants.

41:41 Adam People are amazing, aren't they?

41:43 Drew Well, so what he wants is what he wants. And when you guys go out to a movie, who picks the movie?

41:53 Caller We don't go to movies.

41:55 Adam It were you two. That is kind of an aggressive answer.

41:58 Drew No, it just, there's never an ounce of satisfaction on this show, there just never is. You think you can ask a couple, a young couple, when you go to a movie, who picks them? And the answer is, we don't go to movies. You know what it is? It's like a big chess game. I play with all the callers of this show. I try to make my move and get an answer. They slide in, checkmate. I wouldn't even consider that an answer, we don't go to movies. Okay. Now, see, now the problem is, I'm on the movies now. I have to pursue the movies. What's the last movie you guys saw?

42:34 Caller What's the last movie that we saw? Legally Blonde.

42:37 Drew Legally Blonde. Okay, so that movie is six months old.

42:41 Adam Yeah, who picked that one?

42:42 Drew So I would say that's going to a movie, right? And you picked that movie, right?

42:48 Caller Yes, I did.

42:48 Drew All right. So you do kind of get to have your way at times in the relationship, right?

42:54 Caller Yes.

42:55 Drew Okay. Are you mad at your husband?

42:57 Caller No.

42:58 Drew No? You don't sound happy with him.

43:00 Caller I'm tired.

43:01 Drew Okay.

43:02 Adam I'm just mad at you.

43:03 Drew And you have any kids?

43:05 Caller Yeah, we have two.

43:06 Drew Oh, two kids. Can you slow it down a little? Maybe not have any more?

43:12 Caller Oh, we're not.

43:13 Drew All right. Good. What's he do for a living?

43:16 Caller He works construction.

43:17 Drew Yeah. Shocking. Shocking.

43:21 Adam Adam was making a hammer movement with his wrist before she answered the question.

43:27 Drew I thought he was. No, Drew, you misunderstood. I thought he was a dean of students at Florida.

43:31 Adam That was a gavel. That was a gavel.

43:32 Drew No, Florida State.

43:33 Adam I see. Oh, I see.

43:33 Drew That's the tomahawk chop they do. All right. So you don't want to do this, right?

43:40 Caller I don't know. I think that would hurt like Reetherburner.

43:43 Adam Yeah. Very uncomfortable. A lot of itching and grown hairs and stuff.

43:46 Drew Why don't you compromise? Give yourself a nice short trim.

43:50 Adam Okay. Like with a clipper. Not down to the skin. But I think a natural question would be, honey, why? What does that do for you?

43:59 Drew Well, he's just trying to breathe a little life into the sex life.

44:03 Caller I think so, too.

44:04 Drew You give yourself a nice short cut there, okay?

44:07 Caller Okay.

44:08 Drew And, Drew, do you have any of those clippers?

44:12 Caller Do we?

44:14 Adam No, you.

44:14 Drew Or does the family-

44:16 Adam You have access.

44:18 Drew Does your family own the clippers?

44:20 Caller I think I could come up with some.

44:21 Drew All right. All right. You ought to get that and cut the kid's hair with it, too.

44:26 Adam And then maybe you sound more than tired, Chris, so you sound profoundly depressed.

44:30 Drew And a little angry.

44:31 Adam Well, that's part of the irritability of depression, so I got to look into that maybe, too.

44:34 Drew Drew, I know this sounds a little crazy. You tell me where I'm wrong here, because I have a lot of notions as a parent that are probably going to be bad when I have kids. But I see my sister, she's got these two kids, the hair's all over the place. And this was even a year or two ago, there were one and three, two and four kind of thing, and the hair's all over. And I think, wow, what a pain in the ass as a parent, when you have to wash it, it gets all dirty, and you work in the shampoo and whatnot.

45:04 Adam Brush and comb it.

45:05 Drew Yeah, and all that good stuff. And I understand when you're five and six, maybe even later into the fours, where you're starting to become a little person. But when you're one and two and even three, why not just buy yourself some of them battery operate, 30 bucks, you get the clipper, you go down to save on, you put the number three attachment on it, and every six weeks, you buzz the kid's head and you keep it nice and short, and you don't have to worry about the lice and the crayons.

45:31 Adam Hey, listen, that's the thing, my kids beg for buzz cuts.

45:35 Drew Yeah, but as a parent, you know, who the hell wants to haul them down to the barber and everything? You just take them out to the backyard, tell them to hang their head in the trash can, and you know, beat on it a little with a wooden stick, just a wooden spoon, wake them up a little bit, and then just take that little buzzer and just buzz it all down, have the whole thing at three-eighths of an inch.

45:56 Adam Or not, even an inch or three-quarters of an inch, fine, that's fine, still buzz it.

46:00 Drew Right?

46:01 Adam It's fine, yeah.

46:01 Drew Jesus, I went to this, I know we're late for a break, but I went to this party once, there was this five-year-old kid, maybe six, beautiful kid, it was a boy. But it looked like a girl because it was very, once in a while you see these very pretty boys, especially when they're five, they just look like girls. The kid had long flowing blonde hair and it was down past the kid's shoulders. So every, there were 35 people at this party, it's like, oh, what a beautiful little girl. They kept saying it to the kid, come here little girl, what's your name little girl? This poor boy had to keep saying, I'm a boy, I'm a boy. I was looking at her parents going, hey dicks, cut the hair. You're going to turn the kid into a freak. Imagine hearing your girl when you're a boy for the first three years of your life because your hair is like Raponzel's.

46:47 Caller That's what happened to me.

46:48 Drew Is that what happened to you?

46:49 Adam That's what happened, there you go.

46:50 Drew It explains a lot. It's all coming into focus now. We're going to take a little break. We'll get back with Anderson and his Golden Locks after this.

47:00 Caller All right guys, bottom line, here's the deal.

47:02 Caller Looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

47:05 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:06 Caller Call the Dateline, the Dateline.

47:07 Caller 877-889-DATE.

47:13 Caller Love Line with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

47:53 Caller Hey, hey, hey.

47:55 Drew Loveline, I'm Adam. Drew over there. Hop back on them phones, see if we can help the kitties. Jennifer?

48:04 Yes.

48:04 Drew You're 18?

48:05 Caller Yes.

48:06 Caller What's up?

48:08 Well, I recently had a DNC about four months ago, and ever since that, ever since I got pregnant, my sex drive has tripled.

48:20 Adam Hmm, what do you think that is?

48:22 Drew Drew, what's DNC?

48:23 Adam It's where they go in and eat. It's abortion, basically, right?

48:26 Well, the baby didn't develop correctly.

48:28 Adam All right, so they go in, they scrape out the uterus, take out the contents.

48:31 They said it's just like a great big vacuum.

48:32 Drew Is it DNC or DNC?

48:35 Adam Dilatation and curatage.

48:37 Drew Oh, curatage.

48:38 Caller Scrape.

48:40 Drew That's curatage?

48:40 Adam Yeah.

48:41 Drew Like cuticle?

48:42 Adam Like curat, the scraping instrument. Non-circular scraping.

48:46 Caller Nice.

48:48 Drew All right, DNC. And now, no sex drive.

48:53 No, my sex drive.

48:54 Adam Big sex drive.

48:54 Drew Oh, big sex drive.

48:55 Yes.

48:56 Adam Are you on medication?

48:57 No, I'm not.

48:58 Adam No birth control pills or anything like that?

49:00 No.

49:01 Adam Why not?

49:01 Because I'm married and I have a two-year-old as well. And it took about a year to get me pregnant. And then the baby didn't develop correctly and all that. And I've just, I used to want sex every day and now it's like four or five times a day.

49:19 Drew Hold on. Oh, wait a second now, goofball. You're 18?

49:23 Caller Yes.

49:24 Drew How old's the kid you have?

49:26 Caller Two.

49:27 Drew Two. And you're working for the last year to get pregnant?

49:32 Caller Yes.

49:32 Adam What's the hurry?

49:34 Drew You already had a kid.

49:35 Adam I couldn't have taken care of two hamsters at 18.

49:39 Drew No. I would have eaten one and put the other up my ass. Yeah. And then eaten it. You were pregnant at 15?

49:48 Caller Yes. That was actually a result of a date rape.

49:51 Drew Okay. Well, that's bad, but...

49:52 Adam All right. So...

49:54 Drew Why working and then working hard at 17 to get pregnant again?

49:59 Caller Well, we weren't really working hard at it. I haven't been on birth control. I went on birth control for about two months.

50:05 Drew Well, attempting to get pregnant.

50:06 Adam Trying for a year.

50:07 Drew Yes. In your words. Doesn't that seem like... I don't know. You should be getting a little help for the date rape and focusing on the kid you got. Yeah?

50:19 Caller I'm a stay-at-home mom and so that's... My husband and I both absolutely love kids.

50:26 Drew All right. All right. What happened? Are you okay? What's up with your family?

50:32 Caller Not a whole lot. My parents are getting a divorce.

50:36 Drew Oh, I know why you're working because the kid is not your husband's kid. Right.

50:40 Caller No, it's not.

50:41 Drew It's the date rape kid and you got to get that rape kid out of you and get into your own kid with your husband, right?

50:49 Caller Yeah.

50:50 Drew I mean, how old is your husband?

50:52 Caller He's 21.

50:54 Adam He's got all that energy, sure.

50:56 Drew He's got himself in, what was he, 19 when you were 17 or 16 or something?

51:02 Caller 17, yes.

51:03 Adam He's three years older.

51:04 Drew Oh, boy.

51:05 Adam All right, so that's not to argue about why she is.

51:07 Caller All right, all right.

51:08 Adam Were you sexually abused at all or traumatized anyway before the date rape? Yes, I was. Yeah, and so that's kind of what I'm picking up on here. That you're kind of a sexual compulsive and that that heated up for some reason just now. I don't know why. Right. You kind of have you do you have do you an addict?

51:26 I wouldn't say so.

51:27 Adam Have you ever been addicted to anything?

51:29 No.

51:30 Adam Did they give you pain medications at the time of the abortion?

51:33 Caller Yes, they did. I didn't take them. I didn't even take anything when my son was born or after he was born.

51:39 Drew Why not?

51:40 Caller I have an extremely high tolerance for pain.

51:43 Drew All right.

51:43 Adam So you haven't needed these things?

51:45 Caller No.

51:46 Adam Did they give you any pain medication when you were in the hospital?

51:49 Caller Yes, they did. I don't remember what it was. I know they gave me morphine and I had an allergic reaction.

51:55 Adam Meaning what? You vomited?

51:56 Caller No. I broke out in hives.

51:58 Adam And have you taken opiates at any time in the past?

52:00 Caller No.

52:01 Drew Why are you working that, Drew?

52:02 Adam Because I have a feeling all of a sudden she's going to say, well, I was on heroin for three years. Because what happens is sometimes when people get re-exposed to opiates, the whole addictive momentum takes off and it can come out sexually. That can be how they express it. And I'm really getting that here. That's what I think is going on.

52:17 Drew Here's the deal. I think if you were molested growing up, that's enough right there. Yes. And date-raped and whatnot, you got some work to do on that. It's going to affect you and it's going to affect your parenting.

52:31 Adam Absolutely. It's going to affect your availability to the child emotionally. And it's something that's exquisitely important to the child's development that you take care of this. And if you're an addict, that will be part of getting that dealt with. But I get the real sense that some biology was turned on here that sort of turned up the heat on your compulsivity. And usually that's the addiction biology.

52:49 Drew Well listen everybody, you must get yourself in proper shape to be a parent. I mean a look at it is going on one of these, you know, running a marathon or a triathlon or something like that, which is, you can't just be smoking and pounding heroin and 50 pounds overweight and hit the road with it. You got to take a little time to get yourself into shape. And if you were the victim of molestation and you grew up with this and you have a kid at 15 via date rape and then you got another one that you're working on at 18, what kind of shape are you as a parent? That is abuse. I know it sounds like I'm overreacting, but we know you're going to be a bad parent.

53:36 Adam I couldn't have done a hamster at 18, me.

53:39 Drew Sexually or?

53:39 Adam Either way, as a parent or as a sex partner. No. And here are kids that truly have stuff going on.

53:47 Drew You couldn't have been trusted with a nice condo or a decent set of wheels at 18.

53:53 Adam No way.

53:54 Drew I would have immediately taken that thrush muffler woodpecker who was smoking the cigar sticker and put it on the side, never changed the oil and just eaten Chinese takeout all over the nice interior. I would have destroyed anything.

54:08 Adam Yeah.

54:09 Drew I was an idiot. You're supposed to be an idiot at 17, 18. That's the plan. That's why you don't have the kids. Linda?

54:17 Hi.

54:18 Drew You're 26?

54:19 Caller Yeah.

54:19 Drew What's up?

54:20 Caller Well, I have a strange feeling based on some things that I've noticed that my friend who is a divorced single father may be molesting his three-year-old daughter.

54:30 Adam What have you noticed?

54:33 Caller His daughter acts very funny. Sometimes, like, she doesn't always want to go by him. And I think she's very affectionate, probably more affectionate than she should be. We were sleeping the other night watching a movie, and she kind of tried to touch my breasts.

54:53 Adam So far, no signs.

54:56 Drew You do breastfeed, you know.

54:57 Adam Yeah, three-year-olds can do that. She's three?

55:00 Caller I was wondering if it was because she was estranged from her mother.

55:04 Adam Oh, my god. That's extremely traumatizing to a child.

55:07 Drew Why is she estranged from her mother?

55:09 Caller Because her mother was an alcoholic, and they got a divorce, and she never really... Well, the father made it extremely difficult for her, but she never tried to pay any money or anything, so he got all right. And she's currently trying to pay more money. But there's just like other things that I've noticed that I have to wonder.

55:29 Drew Well, were you molested? No. So do you know of any of these signs? I mean, have you had any experience?

55:36 Caller Yes.

55:36 Drew You have?

55:37 Caller Why?

55:38 Drew What experience?

55:39 Caller Well, I guess, I don't know, I guess you could say that maybe, because when I was little, another child tried to molest me.

55:46 Adam All right, so you were, you were sexually abused.

55:49 Drew No.

55:49 Adam That is what that is. Why do you argue me about that?

55:52 Drew Well, listen, Thurston Hound III.

55:53 Adam Just because it happened to you, dude, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

55:56 Drew First off, she said, tried, idiot. And secondly, she was a young child herself. I was asking her if she saw these signs.

56:08 Adam Right.

56:09 Drew Yeah. What happened with someone trying to do this to you?

56:12 Caller Well, basically, they just tried to kiss me and stuff, and I was like, whoa.

56:17 Adam That's not kissing, is it?

56:18 Drew But here's the next question. Hold on a second. Now, here's the interesting thing. She's putting that down as an attempt at molestation. So what's up with her? What's up with this super hyper alert molestation radar system she's got? She's got the AWACS rolling on top of her head. Linda, why would you even say that someone trying to kiss you when you're a little kid, another little kid is even close to molestation?

56:49 Caller Well, I don't know. I don't know. You're asking me if I was molested or how would I have any symptoms as to what's weird when you're a little kid. All I know is that when I'm a little kid and I never thought about French kiss, or I knew what French kissing was, and another little kid wants a French kiss me who's younger than me, like who shouldn't even be thinking about French kissing, I'm like, whoa, and it was a female too.

57:10 Drew All right. But all I'm saying is, I was just trying to see if you were victimized or anything like that.

57:17 Adam You weren't victimized?

57:18 Caller I feel that I was victimized by a child that didn't mean to victimize me. But-

57:24 Drew How old were you? Maybe eight or longer. How old was the kid? Five?

57:32 Caller Yeah. Probably about something like that. All right.

57:35 Adam Hold on.

57:35 Drew You feel like that was an attempt at victimization?

57:38 Caller No, I don't. I'm asking about somebody else. I'm not saying-

57:43 Adam Hang on. Hang on. Adam, don't talk to her.

57:46 Drew All right. Me too. Okay. Do you have kids of your own?

57:50 Caller No. Okay.

57:51 Adam So something's making you very sensitive. Listen, this child is in a profoundly traumatizing situation. Abandoned by mom who's an alcoholic, dad may be an aggressive fellow. Well, how is that? By the way, kids that are in those kinds of situations will often do very bizarre things with their genitalia and with touching, they will expose themselves. They will start to confuse aggression and genital expression. It is very common and it doesn't mean they were sexually abused.

58:18 Caller Okay. Well, basically, I am asking you what are the symptoms because dad is a little weird.

58:24 Drew What does dad do?

58:25 Caller We have talked about different relationships we have had and he likes sex clubs and different...

58:34 Drew Sex clubs?

58:35 Caller Yeah.

58:36 Drew Linda, I know this sounds drastic but you have to take the kid and just drop him off at a strip joint right now.

58:42 Caller What are you talking about?

58:43 Drew Because that is...

58:43 Caller I know, I know. I am wondering like I don't...

58:45 Drew How did you get caught up with these idiots?

58:48 Caller I met them through a friend.

58:50 Adam But why did you hang around with them?

58:51 Drew Why are you taking care of the kids and stuff?

58:54 Caller Well, he wants me to be a nanny for him.

58:58 Adam So you were hanging out with him because you want the job?

59:01 Caller Because why?

59:02 Adam Because you want a job from him.

59:04 Caller Yeah.

59:05 Adam That's what this relationship is for you?

59:06 Caller Right.

59:07 Adam A potential employer. Okay.

59:09 Drew All right. And what's up with you? You have a boyfriend or not married?

59:14 Adam All right. Certainly, if you have any question, although it is no harm in calling Child Protective Services and filing a report, they'll make the decision about what they need to do with it.

59:23 Drew Well, and you can probably ask them, but it's hard to tell and there's no real evidence at this point.

59:29 Adam It's the Department of Social Services.

59:31 Drew The kid is going through hell and mama's gone and dad's an idiot.

59:36 Adam Having the child touching a breast would be normal under those circumstances.

59:40 Drew Yeah, I'd cop a fee off. I was three and cuddled up in bed with Linda. I worry a little about Linda.

59:49 Adam Yeah, we couldn't get at any of that what you were asking her. She couldn't process what you were asking.

59:57 Drew Mike? Yeah, I had a nice experience today. My sister called me and said that my nephews really missed the hell out of me and they were asking about me all the time because they were living in my house for a little while. And I really missed them. And I could hear them yapping next to the phone. And she was saying, oh, man, they idolize you. They look up to you. They miss you. They want to know where you are. And then she said, Uncle Adam's on the phone. Who wants to talk to Uncle Adam? And I said, yeah, put them on. And they're like, she came back to you. They don't want to talk to you.

1:00:28 Adam I love kids.

1:00:29 Drew Kids are great, huh? They don't want to talk to their idol. They're too busy writing my name on their tennis shoe or something, Brad.

1:00:35 Caller Yeah.

1:00:36 Drew All right, then. Sorry there, Mike. What's up?

1:00:38 Caller Yeah. I just want to mention, like earlier, you were saying the little kid with long hair.

1:00:44 Drew Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1:00:45 Caller Got to get. I was called a little girl, like, my whole childhood life, like, and my hair was long. My parents wouldn't let me cut it. And I was my whole pretty much my whole life. I was just been called a girl.

1:00:58 Drew Why wouldn't they let you cut it?

1:01:00 Caller Probably about ten.

1:01:03 Adam Why wouldn't they let you cut it?

1:01:05 Caller I don't know. It was just something with my parents. They just didn't want me to cut it.

1:01:08 Adam One thing I was telling Adam, whenever parents act out anything of their needs, of a reaction to their family of origin, whenever it's about the parent and the parents reactions that are determining how the child is cared for, it's a disaster for the child. It's even if it's like you, Adam, my dad never paid any attention to me. He didn't have anything to do with tools. So with my kid, we're going to have tools and we're going to work in the woodshed all the time. That's not good for a kid.

1:01:34 Drew Oh, listen, I don't want that. I want my own tools. I didn't want your kids coming and messing with my tools.

1:01:39 Adam But I could see you potentially might go, well, when I have a kid, I want to make sure I don't make that mistake. You know what? That's the same side of a coin that you're now stuck on.

1:01:50 Drew Yeah. Now, I would like to hopefully just give the kid the option if he's interested in whatever he could explore it. I didn't have that option. Now, I'm overcompensated.

1:02:01 Adam But maybe, you know, maybe Mike's parents were, you know, when I was a kid, it was the 60s, and my parents wouldn't let me grow my hair out. So damn it, my kid's going to have long hair.

1:02:10 Drew Yeah. Well, it screws them up because you don't want everyone calling you a chick your whole life, and then you grow up and you become like Anderson over here.

1:02:18 Adam Yeah.

1:02:18 Drew What happened to Anderson?

1:02:19 Adam What happened to him?

1:02:20 Drew Anderson had long hair growing up, and people thought he was a little girl.

1:02:23 Adam Then he got those calves.

1:02:25 Drew Then he got them big calves, so they thought he was a lesbian. And now, they don't know what to think. What's up Anderson? You had long hair growing up?

1:02:33 Caller Until I was six or so, everyone thought I was a girl.

1:02:35 Drew And did you like the long hair?

1:02:38 Caller I didn't mind it. You get more attention as a girl.

1:02:40 Drew Yeah. And more action too. Did your parents want you to cut it or did they care?

1:02:47 Caller I don't remember that being an issue. I probably wanted to keep it.

1:02:49 Drew Right.

1:02:50 Caller I don't remember them saying you have to keep long hair.

1:02:52 Drew Long blonde hair?

1:02:53 Caller Yeah, it was curly.

1:02:54 Drew Nice.

1:02:57 Caller I mean the difference is that I wear jewelry now and I'd probably wear nail polish more often if I didn't have to get the dirty looks from Adam.

1:03:04 Drew Right. Well you just go with the clear flat stuff and I won't notice.

1:03:08 Adam Your cross dresser. That's what you're telling me.

1:03:10 Caller Pretty much yeah. I'd wear a skirt all the time if I didn't have to deal with things.

1:03:14 Drew Really?

1:03:15 Caller Yeah.

1:03:15 Drew I would respect that if you want to wear skirts just to let your sack breathe.

1:03:18 Adam Do you masturbate to when you're clothed like that?

1:03:21 No.

1:03:22 Caller I don't beat off at all.

1:03:23 Adam Are you? Adam, you're right. At all? That's what he said.

1:03:29 Drew I don't buy that. I refuse to believe that I will not believe it.

1:03:34 Adam Anderson, this will not help your relationship with him. Be careful.

1:03:37 Drew You better start beating off and lose the nail polish and pick up the jurgens. Then we got stuff to talk about. All right. Well, didn't screw him up. Well, maybe it did. But I'm just saying if you got a kid that everyone thinks is a chick, you owe it to the kid to cut the kid's hair. Sure. Because it's weird for the kid to have their gender screwed up growing up. All right. Let's speak to Jane, who's 19. Jane?

1:04:02 Caller Yes.

1:04:03 Drew What's going on there?

1:04:04 Okay. I actually have two quick questions. One of them is I just relocated to this area. I was wondering if there was a hotline you could give me after I ask my next question for counselors in this area that were free or low charge.

1:04:20 Adam Where are you?

1:04:21 I'm between Glendale and Burbank.

1:04:24 Adam Pasadena, the Fuller Theological Seminary has a school of psychology. They have some pretty good interns there. Fuller Theological Seminary.

1:04:31 Okay. Thank you. My question was I was wondering, mild depression with highs and lows, is that something that I can control or that I need a prescription drug for?

1:04:44 Adam Well, it depends. It depends on how severe these things are. And somebody needs to assess you to make a determination whether this is something that could be dangerous to leave untreated. The other thing to keep in mind is that if this is a bipolar syndrome, allowing those swings to develop around your age can establish a pattern of swings that will persist through life. While if you're able to contain them at certain critical periods of development, which is right around where you are, there's a possibility that you might make actually a less severe illness.

1:05:12 Drew Really?

1:05:12 Adam Yeah. It's almost like it has swings to it that are electrical biological swings that if they get established during a certain window of vulnerability, they persist.

1:05:21 Drew It sounds like they cut this swath and that's it.

1:05:24 Adam Exactly. During a certain period of development, that's around 20.

1:05:28 Drew Interesting.

1:05:30 Adam At least under the age of 22, if I remember right. Then again, you've got to remember that 20% of people with depression die. It's a serious illness.

1:05:40 Drew Well, they kill themselves. Let's be fair to them.

1:05:42 Adam It's a serious condition.

1:05:43 Drew They have heart attacks.

1:05:45 Okay, now I've had this since fifth grade, but it always seemed like to be under control. And I just moved to LA and in the past three months, it has like seemed to be something I haven't been able to control.

1:05:56 Adam Well, and a depression since the age of nine is really serious.

1:05:59 Drew Why did you move to LA?

1:06:01 To become famous.

1:06:02 Drew Oh, move back to wherever you came from, please. All we got is more depressed people hanging around here, handing out headshots.

1:06:09 Now, would a medic, I'm concerned that would a medication disrupt my creativity?

1:06:14 Adam No, no, no, no, no.

1:06:16 Drew What do you do?

1:06:17 I'm a writer.

1:06:21 Drew Nineteen. What kind of stuff do you want to write?

1:06:24 Well, I have a screenplay right now. I'm actually pitching it to a director next week, and I have novels and poetry, children's books, I have a lot of stuff.

1:06:31 Drew Listen, forget those children's books.

1:06:33 Adam No, why? Not why?

1:06:35 Drew Because it's such a cop-out.

1:06:37 Adam It's good business.

1:06:38 Drew It's good business. It's the biggest cop-out I've ever seen in my life.

1:06:43 Adam I appreciate it when they were good. I came across a good children's book.

1:06:46 Drew I really did. Every third celebrity cranks went out.

1:06:49 Adam Every mom in her forties. Didn't buy one of those.

1:06:53 Drew I swear to Christ, I hope my mom's not listening, but we have a neighbor, Pat, who started writing those children's books, and my mom was so excited. Pat's a published author. Read these books and I'd go like, we jumped on the bed, next page. We fell on our head, next page. Papa came home, next page. Papa left us alone, next page. It's back on the bed, next page. I'd be like, this is genius. There's almost four words a page. You can read. It's like 11 pages long. I was like, the illustrations are pretty creative. Yeah, she didn't do those. I wanted to go, what the hell? Couldn't you write a kid's book in about 10 minutes, Joe?

1:07:39 Adam Not I. Not that would have been a substitute. Really?

1:07:41 Drew You'd have way too much medical text in there?

1:07:43 Adam I think so. Too much philosophy. But listen, Jane, what happens between the age of 18 and 22 is that the problems that you've been coasting with come to roost. If you've been depressed since the age of nine or 10, this is the time when things get more serious. It is definitely time to get this evaluated. Go down to Fuller.

1:07:59 Drew All right, and good luck with the screenplay. Let's find out what it's about.

1:08:03 Adam That's gotta be tough.

1:08:04 Drew Jane?

1:08:05 Yes.

1:08:05 Drew What's the screenplay about?

1:08:07 I can't tell you.

1:08:08 Drew Oh, shut up. God, do I hate that. Like anyone's gonna buy it. Come on, tell us what it's about.

1:08:15 Where I'm from, I'm from Santa Cruz, in the Santa Cruz Mountains. There was a mother, she killed two of her kids. And I have taken that story and aged everybody by 25 years, and I just kind of switched some things around and made a dramatic screenplay based on that.

1:08:31 Drew Okay, now I'm gonna do that one. But I'm gonna turn it into musical comedy.

1:08:35 Ha ha!

1:08:37 Drew Snaked! And I got connections still. Born gay, the life is to live gay. Yeah. All right, we're gonna take ourselves a little bit of a break, and then we're gonna come back. And when we come back, we're gonna speak to, uh... Well, what about Jessica down here on line four, Drew?

1:08:58 Adam Okay, without turning it.

1:08:59 Drew A freshman in high school, teacher makes her feel real uncomfortable coming on to her, maybe. Jessica?

1:09:06 Caller Hi.

1:09:07 Drew Hey, is it your teachers, like, you think has a crush on you, maybe?

1:09:11 Caller I don't know. It's really scary, though.

1:09:13 Caller And I don't know what to do.

1:09:15 Drew Well, wait a minute. What? Why? You don't think they have a crush on you?

1:09:20 Caller No, they do.

1:09:20 Drew Like, okay. All right. Good. Just a second. I was trying to get a little, little cell in there.

1:09:25 Adam Adam, when we were?

1:09:27 Drew Just trying to get a little cell. We'll talk to Jessica after this.

1:10:02 Adam Hey, she should pay for that stuff, right?

1:10:04 Drew Loveline, a man that said, Drew over there, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191. When we left off, we were speaking to Jessica, who's 14, has a teacher that's making her feel creepy.

1:10:20 Adam Right?

1:10:21 Caller Right.

1:10:22 Adam What's he doing?

1:10:23 Caller So, I come in after school for help, like, a week ago, and, like, he's all, like, like, no one else is there, because no one else really comes for help, and I, like, want to pass the class.

1:10:35 Adam What does he teach?

1:10:36 Caller English.

1:10:36 Adam Okay.

1:10:38 Caller And so, like, and he has a wife, too, so I'm pretty scared.

1:10:42 Drew He has a what, too?

1:10:43 Adam A wife, a wife. Okay. What did he do?

1:10:45 Caller He just, like, he was, like, trying, he was, like, all touching me, and I don't know.

1:10:50 Adam So he didn't say anything, or just sort of a creepy feeling?

1:10:53 Caller Yeah.

1:10:54 Adam Is he kind of a creepy guy?

1:10:56 Caller Like, he didn't seem like it, like, from the beginning of the year, but now I see him, like, totally differently.

1:11:01 Adam How old is he?

1:11:02 Caller Probably in his 30s, late 30s.

1:11:05 Adam Old guy, huh?

1:11:06 Drew Yeah.

1:11:07 Caller No, late 30s isn't old for Adam, though.

1:11:10 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

1:11:12 Caller Sounds so creepy.

1:11:13 Drew Yeah. When I touch you.

1:11:14 Adam What?

1:11:16 Caller Well, I saw you, like, last year. I don't know if you remember that.

1:11:19 Drew Where?

1:11:20 Caller In your studios. I was, like, your biggest fan.

1:11:23 Drew Oh, you came out here?

1:11:25 Caller Yeah, with my two friends that way.

1:11:26 Adam Oh, right.

1:11:27 Drew Yeah, I remember that.

1:11:28 Caller Sure.

1:11:29 Drew All right. So thanks, baby.

1:11:31 Yeah.

1:11:31 Drew Remember when you're on your 18th birthday, I got a present for you.

1:11:35 I know.

1:11:36 Caller I'm so excited.

1:11:38 Adam Oh, my God.

1:11:40 Drew Yeah. I'll be just turning 40 and we can really, really have that second childhood I've been longing to have.

1:11:50 Adam All right, Jessica. So is there anyone else at school you could talk to about this? Is there other teachers?

1:11:54 Drew Well, wait a minute. What is there to talk about at this point?

1:11:57 Adam Just to put people on alert about this guy, and certainly you shouldn't be alone with him.

1:12:00 Drew How did he touch you?

1:12:01 Caller Like he kept on rubbing my shoulders and stuff, and I was like, okay.

1:12:06 Drew Was he rubbing your shoulders, really?

1:12:09 Caller No, like, yeah, like trying to like help me out or whatever.

1:12:12 Adam He was just being nice. That's possible.

1:12:14 Drew That could have been. She got the creep thing.

1:12:16 Adam Yeah, don't be alone with him, though. Don't be alone.

1:12:19 Caller I know, but I have him for the rest of the quarter.

1:12:20 Drew I know, but it's your fault for trying to better your grades.

1:12:24 Caller Yeah.

1:12:25 Drew Look, here's the deal. Sit in the class, you know, if he ever says, you know, you want to go on a field trip in my pants or anything like that, report him. And I'm sorry, you should not have to feel this way, but there's not a whole lot you can do at this point. And so definitely do not go there. Do not be alone with him. Just sit in there when the bell rings. Sit down and when the bell rings, get up and leave. And if he does anything else and wants you to come by the house for a little extra credit or anything, then you start talking.

1:13:02 Adam And just don't be alone with him.

1:13:04 Caller Yeah, but like I need to like have my grade up there.

1:13:06 Drew Well, what's he doing alone?

1:13:08 Adam Then bring someone in with you when you go.

1:13:09 Drew Hold on. What do you do alone with the guy?

1:13:12 Caller Well, like I need to up my grade.

1:13:17 Drew I know, but what I'm saying is, is he gives you an assignment, right? Write a book report. Yeah. You go get a book and write a book report. What do you need to talk to him about?

1:13:25 Caller Well, I didn't know then, no, that he was going to.

1:13:27 Drew Well, no, I know that. But now we're saying don't bother.

1:13:30 Adam Don't do it. Maybe get some e-mail communication going, something like that, and that's it.

1:13:34 I just wanted to get some dick.

1:13:36 Drew Drew, did you ever, you must have spoke to your teachers.

1:13:40 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:13:41 Drew Really? Outside of class?

1:13:42 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:13:43 Drew About what?

1:13:44 Adam Depending what the class was and what the problem was.

1:13:46 Drew What they needed? What problem? Had problems?

1:13:50 Adam I mean, what I was working on.

1:13:52 Drew Well, didn't they tell you like a write a report on Abraham Lincoln and then you just leave?

1:13:56 Adam No, you don't want to go back and discuss some of the stuff and clarify and advise for more reading.

1:14:01 Drew Advice for more reading?

1:14:06 Adam I'm thinking about college. College was way more because there were labs.

1:14:11 Drew Wait, what was that? College?

1:14:12 Adam Yeah, college.

1:14:14 Drew I think most people don't even want to acknowledge that their teachers are even leave the class. Like if I was walking down the hall and I saw one of my teachers, I'd look down and keep walking. Like it was weird to see them outside. I need at least 35 people standing around me in order to tolerate a teacher. Jesus Christ, you didn't write any letters or talk to them on the phone or anything, did you? No. You ever call one at home? No. No. But you would go after class?

1:14:42 Adam Yeah.

1:14:44 Drew Parents come in for parent-teacher night?

1:14:46 Adam Oh yeah.

1:14:47 Drew Oh really?

1:14:47 Adam Sure.

1:14:47 Drew Wasn't that bad? Were you okay with that?

1:14:50 Adam Yeah.

1:14:50 Drew You had nothing to hide, right?

1:14:52 Adam Right.

1:14:52 Drew And they would talk about what you needed to do?

1:14:55 Adam Yeah.

1:14:56 Drew Crazy. Crazy. And you ever do that? No. Drew, you need to go to public school. You just slide in and slide right out again. Get yourself like a Letterman jacket and a BJ. Maybe a sweet roll from the cafeteria. Go to the prom, slide right back out again. Now you're out in the real world, prepared.

1:15:17 Adam Still sliding.

1:15:18 Drew Clean some carpet. Matt?

1:15:21 Caller Yes.

1:15:22 Drew 16?

1:15:23 Caller Yeah.

1:15:24 Caller What's up?

1:15:25 Caller Yeah. I gave syphilis to my girlfriend.

1:15:28 Adam What do you mean you gave her syphilis?

1:15:30 Caller I was having sex with her.

1:15:31 Adam Wait a minute. What were your symptoms of syphilis?

1:15:36 Caller There was like sores, like in the pubic area, like bloating in my stomach.

1:15:46 Adam Who diagnosed this as syphilis?

1:15:47 Caller I went to a clinic.

1:15:49 Adam Okay. And then she developed the sores also?

1:15:51 Caller Yes.

1:15:52 Adam All right. Has she been treated?

1:15:54 Caller I believe so.

1:15:56 Adam All right. How did you get the syphilis?

1:15:58 Caller I was like under the influence and I believe I got it from another guy.

1:16:06 Caller All right.

1:16:07 Adam Now how were you treated for the syphilis?

1:16:10 Caller They tried to put me on medication but I didn't take it.

1:16:13 Adam So you still have syphilis?

1:16:14 Caller I believe so.

1:16:15 Drew Smart. You'll show them. No one's going to carry your syphilis.

1:16:19 Caller Ha ha.

1:16:21 Drew Take that.

1:16:22 Caller Oh, it's messed up.

1:16:23 Adam They didn't give you a shot?

1:16:24 Caller Yeah, they did.

1:16:26 Adam Did that clear the sores up?

1:16:27 Caller Yeah, for a while but they came back.

1:16:30 Adam And did you get a rash?

1:16:32 Caller Yes.

1:16:33 Adam The rash is secondary syphilis.

1:16:35 Caller It is.

1:16:36 Adam And you're getting kind of serious here because it can get into your brain and cause problems. It can be a big mess.

1:16:42 Drew Al Capone died that way. So, many greats have died from syphilis, Drew.

1:16:47 Adam The thing about syphilis is that it is completely curable and easily curable. But you let it run, it can do all kinds of things.

1:16:53 Drew I like to see that as a coffee table book. All the greats who have died of syphilis.

1:16:58 Adam Oh, it's a huge list.

1:16:59 Drew Right?

1:17:00 Adam Yeah. I think there was something like that at one time.

1:17:02 Drew Oh, there was?

1:17:03 Adam Yeah. That's a huge list. And those who have had it or something, it was like a book of famous s- Oh, really?

1:17:11 Drew That's a nice coffee table.

1:17:12 Adam And yeah.

1:17:14 Drew Hey, man, what's up with you with the guys and the girls and the syphilis and the 16 years of age?

1:17:19 Caller Like after I found out that I gave it to my girlfriend about two weeks ago, I like started getting like gay tendencies.

1:17:26 Drew After? You're already with a guy.

1:17:29 Adam Before that.

1:17:30 Caller Yes, I got it.

1:17:31 Adam Yeah, so the gay tendencies were well established.

1:17:36 Caller That figures that out.

1:17:38 Drew What?

1:17:38 Caller I said, so that figures that out.

1:17:40 Adam Well, you're just swinging over to guys.

1:17:42 Drew Well, listen, I got syphilis from a guy. And then after I gave the syphilis to my girlfriend, I started to get these gay tendencies. Well, do the math in that sentence. I'd say you had the gay tendencies, or you wouldn't have got the syphilis from the guy, right?

1:18:01 Caller Right.

1:18:02 Drew All right, so do you think you're gay now?

1:18:05 Caller I don't know.

1:18:06 Drew Okay, well, maybe you're confused, but shouldn't you break up with your girlfriend and just kind of figure things out a little bit? Let her be a little bit?

1:18:14 Caller I guess so.

1:18:15 Drew And what's up with you? Are you in school?

1:18:18 Caller No, I don't go to school. But I did go to Charter Premier in Long Beach.

1:18:24 Drew What's that, a bartending school?

1:18:27 Caller It's like a homeschooling. And that really didn't work out.

1:18:32 Drew Yeah. Well, listen, these alternative schools, they don't work out too good. My sister went to Amelia Earhart in North Hollywood. It's like, Liz, everyone's got to be in by noon. And you're not leaving a minute before 1.30. And everyone, you have to put your cigarettes out before you come into the class. You only can smoke on the benched areas outside. And some of you are shortening your teacher's first name. Teacher Philip over there does not like to be called Teacher Phil, so you call him by his entire first name.

1:19:06 Adam Stop calling him Fuh.

1:19:07 Drew Stop calling him Fuh. And if you want to smoke weed, that's fine. But again, we'll have to ask you to do it in the free range area by the lunch tables.

1:19:18 All right.

1:19:18 Drew Is everyone done not studying? Good. Go home. I mean, aren't you glad you didn't go to school now, Matt?

1:19:24 Well, not really, because it does get frustrating when I say, I'm lost, instead of K-I-O-O-Q, I read all back to front and I said...

1:19:34 Caller Yeah.

1:19:35 Drew Hey, Matt.

1:19:36 Caller Yeah.

1:19:37 Drew You need to start focusing your life a little, buddy.

1:19:39 Adam You need to go back and get treated for the syphilis.

1:19:40 Drew Spin it out.

1:19:41 Adam It really is serious.

1:19:42 Drew Break up with a girlfriend, get treated for the syphilis, stay away from drugs. If you want to be with guys, you got to have that safe sex, and you got to start focusing on what you want to do. Thank you. Oh, man. He just seems like he's spinning in some other orbit. Oh, sure. Vicki?

1:20:00 Uh-huh.

1:20:01 Drew Fourteen?

1:20:02 Caller Yeah.

1:20:02 Drew What's up?

1:20:03 Okay. Well, I've been really like, like, I just do like stuff with guys, like random, like, I can't stop myself. Like I know it's not right, and I just like go out and I'll just do something with the guy, you know? Like what? Like, I'm just one guy at the beach, and like I'm not like this, but I don't know. I don't know. It's like I'm just one guy at the beach, and like started talking, and he's just like, yeah, what's up? So like we just ended up, like he started fearing me and stuff, you know, he ended up doing the whole hand thing. And then-

1:20:37 Drew Out in the sand?

1:20:38 Yeah.

1:20:39 Adam Well, you don't, you don't perceive yourself this way, but this is-

1:20:43 No, I don't know. I don't know why, like, I'm like this.

1:20:46 Drew During the day, he did the hand thing?

1:20:47 Yeah.

1:20:48 Drew Just put the blanket over you?

1:20:50 No, it was kind of like a deserted beach. There wasn't many people.

1:20:53 Adam Wasn't many people.

1:20:55 Well, like, people would pass by every, like, now and then, but it wasn't like-

1:20:59 Drew Hold on, I'm going to work on that movie, Jizz Beach.

1:21:01 Adam Yeah.

1:21:02 Drew And when his goo hit the sand, did it ball up? You know, like, we just get a loogie on there? You roll it into the tie. Okay. Hey, 14. Yeah. How old was he?

1:21:17 Caller 16.

1:21:18 Drew Jesus Christ. I'd be at that beach every day if I was just sitting there and got a hand job. Was he there alone?

1:21:26 He was actually there for family reunion.

1:21:29 Adam Family reunion?

1:21:30 Yeah, he wandered off with me.

1:21:32 Adam At school?

1:21:33 Huh?

1:21:34 Adam What do you mean family reunion? Oh, a family reunion.

1:21:36 Drew At the beach. Yeah. He got himself a handy.

1:21:38 Adam I see.

1:21:39 Drew Jesus Christ. Okay. What else are you doing?

1:21:43 Okay. Well, last night, I, oh my gosh, I cannot believe I did this last night.

1:21:48 Drew You never stop amazing yourself.

1:21:52 I was talking to this guy on the internet and he was like, yeah, like we started talking and he was like, saying stuff like, yeah, eat too bad and all this stuff. And like, he finally talked me into it.

1:22:03 Caller So he came over and he picked me up.

1:22:04 Adam Oh my God.

1:22:06 Caller Yeah.

1:22:07 Drew What was he, how old was he?

1:22:09 Caller 18.

1:22:10 Drew Oh, maybe.

1:22:11 Adam Oh my God.

1:22:12 Drew What was he driving?

1:22:14 Like a pickup with a cab thingy on it.

1:22:16 Adam What's happening at home?

1:22:18 What do you mean? Like my parents are getting a divorce.

1:22:22 Adam Yeah. That's why you're acting out like this.

1:22:24 Drew My parents got a divorce. I never got a hard job.

1:22:26 Adam Yeah. But you're trying to manage some very painful feelings.

1:22:30 Drew Are you freaked out of your parents' divorce?

1:22:32 Not really. I like it.

1:22:34 Adam Well, your behavior suggests something different.

1:22:37 Drew Why do you like it?

1:22:38 Because I didn't get along and mom's like a total, she's really not nice.

1:22:44 Adam What's she doing?

1:22:46 She's just like, she nags more than usual, she yells. She cannot keep a calm tone and she's obsessive-compulsive, piling up books.

1:22:57 Adam Is somebody an alcoholic there?

1:22:59 Caller Yeah.

1:23:00 Adam Who is that?

1:23:01 My mom is and my dad was.

1:23:04 Adam This is all, Vicki, you got to get some help.

1:23:07 Drew Well, wait a second, Vicki.

1:23:08 I'm going to counseling, family counseling.

1:23:10 Adam Well, you need individual work. Did you tell the therapist what you've been doing lately?

1:23:14 No, I haven't seen one. I'm supposed to have an appointment like January because she like went out of town or something.

1:23:18 Drew Vicki, I would say even more than family counseling and individual work, you should break yourself up into halves. You should be that specific with your counseling. What we do like your torso and have another separate counselor do your lower half.

1:23:33 Adam Well, nobody would just incarcerate the lower half.

1:23:35 Drew You need it that intensely. Well, now, what about this guy? You met him on the Internet. He came over. How long did it take him to get over there?

1:23:43 Adam You're lucky she's not in half right now after some guy picked her up off the Internet because she could have been dismembered.

1:23:48 Drew So he drove right over to the house?

1:23:49 Adam Yeah.

1:23:50 Drew Didn't take him long. Right? Honked the horn. You came out. Right?

1:23:54 Yeah.

1:23:54 Drew And then when you saw him, did he look anything like you expected him to look?

1:23:58 Yeah, because he sent me a picture.

1:24:00 Drew Hold on, Drew. And he wasn't bad? Or what did he look like?

1:24:04 He wasn't very attractive.

1:24:06 Drew But he was all right? Not really. You weren't too into him?

1:24:10 Vicky.

1:24:11 Drew And so what was the deal? Did he look a lot worse in his picture?

1:24:15 No, he looked the same. I don't know. It's like, I don't know. What's wrong with me?

1:24:20 Drew And did you guys make out or did he just go down on you?

1:24:24 We started making out and then he just went down on me.

1:24:27 Drew And then what? He just dropped you off?

1:24:29 Caller Huh? No, like in the middle of it, I stopped him and I told him it was too weird because when I do stuff, I like there to be emotion there.

1:24:37 Caller But I mean, we're hearing all about that here.

1:24:40 Drew Did you say emotion or an ocean?

1:24:43 Caller Motion.

1:24:43 Drew Okay. Because last night I gave the hand to you.

1:24:45 Adam You're so desperate for contact and for positivity.

1:24:49 Drew So wait a minute. So you stopped him and then what?

1:24:51 Adam Yeah.

1:24:51 And then he was like, well, like what's wrong? And I was like, just about to cry, but I like pulled it back. And then so like I just told him like wanted to drive and we just went to the beach and like talked and stuff.

1:25:02 Drew There's the ocean again.

1:25:04 Adam Yeah.

1:25:04 Caller I like the beach a lot.

1:25:05 Drew And he didn't want anything from you?

1:25:08 Well, of course he did. He wasn't forcing me to or anything.

1:25:11 Drew Would you do anything to him?

1:25:13 No, I didn't want to.

1:25:14 Drew All right. So he dropped you off?

1:25:16 Yeah.

1:25:17 Drew Jesus, this guy's right back on the Internet. You know, you just gave this guy another five years on the Internet.

1:25:23 Adam He's going to come out with like looking like Jeremiah Johnson.

1:25:26 Drew Jesus Christ. And he said he was 18, but he was probably 23 or something.

1:25:30 I think so.

1:25:31 Drew Did he look a little older? Yeah. Oh, this guy's cruising the Internet going down on 14 year olds. How old did you say you were?

1:25:38 I told him my age.

1:25:40 Drew Oh, these guys. I mean, it's like, listen, you have no difficulty with your soul just roasting in hell. Just roasting for the rest of your life. You know, even when you walk through the gates of hell and you go, Oh, Christ, the guy goes, no, no. He pulls a manhole cover off and he goes, starts pointing down there.

1:25:59 Adam No, no, no.

1:26:00 Drew Down.

1:26:01 Adam And then they yell out, hey, he's finally here. We're waiting for him.

1:26:05 Drew Sharpen the pitchforks, everybody. Sharpen those tridents. We got to poke this son of a bitch's ass for the rest of eternity. Hey, Bob, yeah, hey, leave Hitler and Mussolini alone. They've had enough. Give him a break.

1:26:18 Caller Give him a break.

1:26:19 Drew Over here. That's right. Oh, my God. Okay, Vicki, you sound smart.

1:26:26 Adam Vicki, please get some help. Oh, my God. You may have an addiction to getting going here to yourself. It just sounds like that biology operating here too. But please get some help before this gets dangerous. Well, it gets dangerous before something awful happens to you.

1:26:39 Drew What we always talk about though, if a girl wants to act out.

1:26:42 Adam Game on.

1:26:44 Drew Just pick up the computer, pick up the phone, turn on the computer, stand out in the corner with a sandwich board sign.

1:26:49 Adam Sandwich board sign.

1:26:51 Drew Go down to the beach. Wherever. All right. We'll be back. Hey, Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Drew over there. Drew and I just having a nice conversation about shaving.

1:27:35 Adam Yeah, finally Adam's Christmas present.

1:27:38 Drew Drew don't have no hair on his neck though, so very lucky guy, Drew. Yeah. No hair where? Below your chin, below your jawline.

1:27:47 Adam Right.

1:27:48 Drew You don't have to shave your neck?

1:27:49 Adam Yeah, I do, but very little.

1:27:51 Drew That's the pain down the side of the neck there. My eyebrows are growing together, my eyebrows growing up trying to fuse with my hair, I got my ass trying to connect with the back of my neck. My whole body is trying to connect with itself.

1:28:07 Adam It really looks like a slow motion version of something from a horror movie in the 30s, like a Wolfman Transformation or something.

1:28:13 Drew Well, as that big homo, what's the movie reviewer, the TV reviewer said I was in a transformation to a werewolf.

1:28:23 Caller Did he say that?

1:28:24 Drew Yeah, that's why you said it.

1:28:26 Adam No, I don't remember him saying that.

1:28:27 Drew Oh, you do remember him saying that.

1:28:29 Adam No, I swear to God, I don't.

1:28:30 Drew You don't remember him saying that.

1:28:32 Adam All I remember is no showmanship. That's all I remember him saying.

1:28:34 Drew No, I have read it to you on more than one occasion.

1:28:38 Adam Neanderthal, he said.

1:28:40 Drew And he said that I looked like I was in the third stage of some poor actor. I can't remember his name. Obviously, the guy who played the werewolf into the werewolf. Yeah. Tom Shales.

1:28:55 Adam That's the writer.

1:28:57 Drew That's the reviewer. One quick shout out to my good buddy Tom. Hey, big fat homo Tom Shales. Working on another TV show for Comedy Central. We're going to be going right into the fourth year of The Man Show as soon as we're done ramping up our new TV show that we got with our big fat production deal. So keep writing there, you big fat homo.

1:29:21 Best show on television, The Man Show.

1:29:24 Drew Keep writing, Tom. Everyone's listening apparently. Matt?

1:29:29 Caller Yeah.

1:29:30 Drew You're 19?

1:29:31 Caller Yes, sir. What's going on, guys?

1:29:32 Drew What is up?

1:29:34 Caller I need some help here.

1:29:35 Drew All right.

1:29:37 Caller I've been seeing this girl for, I'd say, since junior year of high school. Just about the past year, she's diagnosed bipolar. And pretty much seems like the past year or so, she's been suicidal and whatnot. And basically, I really am not wanting to have the relationship that we had three years ago. I don't want to have it anymore.

1:30:02 Adam All right, well, end it.

1:30:04 Caller That's the problem. If I say something wrong, she should go in the bathroom and threaten herself and Well, then, all right, well, then, Matt, you're not trapped.

1:30:15 Adam You can't be totally responsible for her feelings. You have to take her condition very seriously. You have to be compassionate about this. But it's not fair to her also to keep this going as a lie. And you need to move on. It's not fair to you to be stuck and trapped in a relationship like this. Because maybe you want to tell people who are around her that you're going to do this. They can be prepared to support her. Maybe you can tell her medical caretakers that this is coming down. But at some point you just have to do this.

1:30:41 Drew If somebody threatens suicide, then all bets are off.

1:30:45 Adam And by the way, right.

1:30:46 Drew It's like a bomb threat.

1:30:47 Adam That's right.

1:30:48 Drew If she does it, you have to be prosecuted to full extent of law. You just can't screw around with that.

1:30:54 Adam You call the police immediately. Have them come. That's it. And then every time she reacts like that, police come again. Ooh, have them cart her off. That's it.

1:31:03 Drew It's called parking enforcement. Get those A-holes out there or aren't doing anything. Leave the cops alone. Drew, stop being so quick to call the cops for everything.

1:31:13 Caller Yes?

1:31:13 Drew You're 24.

1:31:13 Caller What's up?

1:31:15 Caller Well, I kind of have this thing like, I don't know, a little issue, a big issue, I guess. I masturbate a lot, like, every day, but I also masturbate in like public restrooms. And I know it's kind of weird, but I want to know what you do with me.

1:31:32 Drew What public restrooms?

1:31:34 Caller Um, well, different ones. I drive a lot. I guess if you've driven down the I-5 and been to one of the restrooms there, well, you know, it's probably a good one I've been in.

1:31:47 Adam She's marked them all, Adam.

1:31:49 Drew Do you do that because you get a thrill out of it or just because it's convenient?

1:31:52 Caller No, because it's convenient, because there's noise on the road.

1:31:55 Adam No one knows you're doing this, it's not like you call attention to it.

1:31:59 Caller Nobody knows I'm doing it. It's not like I want to get caught or anything.

1:32:01 Drew What do you drive?

1:32:03 Caller A car.

1:32:04 Drew Why can't, I thought maybe a truck or something. Why can't you masturbate in your car?

1:32:09 Caller Um, I've done that before.

1:32:11 Drew Yeah?

1:32:11 Caller It's a little more dangerous. I'm not stupid. I don't want to kill anybody.

1:32:15 Drew Well, hold on a second. Do you have to put your feet on the dashboard and roll your eyes to the back of your head?

1:32:21 Caller No, that's a good thing about being a girl. There's no clean up factor.

1:32:25 Drew That's what I'm saying. Look, just diddle yourself while you're driving. Speaking about danger, you're going to get snuffed in one of these restrooms. They're going to find you with your hand up your coos. And that's the picture they're going to put in the paper. Oh, yes.

1:32:38 Caller Girls don't masturbate like that. They don't put their fingers in the...

1:32:42 Adam No, we understand.

1:32:42 Drew You rub yourself, right?

1:32:44 Caller Yeah, pretty much.

1:32:45 Drew Well, slide the seat back a little and rub yourself while you're driving.

1:32:48 Caller I can do that.

1:32:49 Drew Yeah, okay. Go ahead. That's fine. Get yourself one of those little mini vibrator egg things you put up here and just buzz along as you're motoring down the highway. Goddamn, I'd have one of those hooked right into the cigarette lighter.

1:33:03 Adam No doubt.

1:33:03 Drew We'll be back.

1:33:05 Caller All right, guys.

1:33:06 Caller Here's the deal.

1:33:07 Caller You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:33:10 Caller One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

1:33:13 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:33:15 Caller Call the Dateline. Here we go.

1:33:54 Drew All right, everybody, tomorrow night, the cast of Not Another Teen Movie.

1:33:59 Adam That actually looks kind of funny.

1:34:00 Drew Yeah. Yeah, I'll watch it. Let me have someone...

1:34:04 Adam Give you the DVD.

1:34:07 Get two chicks in the same bed.

1:34:08 Caller Do them!

1:34:10 Drew Tried to order myself some porn on the Internet tonight.

1:34:12 Adam Oh, the first.

1:34:14 Drew Disaster. Tried. Once in a while, I tried to do something like a human being. It didn't work. They couldn't do it. They needed my name. They needed this code. They wanted my AOL address. I didn't know what it was. It turned into a disaster. Then I called the place. I gave my credit card, my name and everything, and then it hung up.

1:34:34 Adam Oh, great.

1:34:37 Drew Comedy. Comedy. I should have put a camera in my office. One hour of trying to get a porn. I spent 10 minutes on the phone. It was like name, address. What was the point? Whatever. Oh, it was just some big jug DVD thing. I was trying to, it hung up on me. I don't know. It was a comedy. Complete comedy. All right. So until next time, Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying Mahalo. You may also want to think about an additive. How many miles do you have on your anus?

1:35:05 Caller How many miles? Quite a bit, dude.

1:35:12 Caller Uh-huh. The show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Dingle. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2001