Episode 1000754886885

1:01 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:06 Go!

1:08 Voiceover Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. Loveline, coast to coast.

1:13 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified internist, addiction medicine specialist, and tonight we'd love to welcome to the show, and we're going to Jay Mohr.

1:28 Jay Mohr Thank you, gentlemen, very much.

1:29 Adam Thank you, Jay.

1:30 Jay Mohr I always wanted to be on the show. Since I first moved to LA and I had a studio apartment...

1:35 Drew That accounts for the 40 times you was invited up here...

1:37 Jay Mohr .in North Hollywood where people used to cook crystal meth in the hallways. You live next to Adam? Yes.

1:44 Adam I grew up in North Hollywood. You spent a short period of your life while your star was rising in North Hollywood, but I was born and bred in that armpit of a city, so I know exactly what you're talking about.

1:57 Jay Mohr Take it easy, man.

1:58 Adam I'm sorry. You just brought up some memories.

2:01 Jay Mohr Write down some lyrics. Let's take it on the road.

2:04 Adam We just missed it because between the three of us, we had a four-person conversation here, all talking about our own version of a televangelist that we thought we were describing to each other.

2:19 Jay Mohr Three yogi-bearers mumbling at each other.

2:22 Adam Yes. It's going to be a long night. Jay Mohr is going to be over at the Irvine Improv, which is on this August 30th and going through September 2nd. What's August 30th? Friday? Thursday?

2:35 Jay Mohr Thursday through Sunday.

2:36 Adam Thursday through Sunday.

2:38 Jay Mohr Thursday, there might be a second show too. Sometimes we usually add a show on Sunday or Thursday.

2:46 Adam Well, it just...

2:47 Jay Mohr Just because there's no party like a Bismarck party.

2:50 Right.

2:51 Jay Mohr You know what I'm saying?

2:52 Adam I know Bismarck. Thursday, it says you're going to do an 8 and a 10 o'clock show.

2:58 Jay Mohr This is a bad idea, by the way, because this vat of coffee that I ordered, because there's an In-N-Out burger across the street, and I just came from In-N-Out Burger. So that coffee, I'm going to rocket yoo-hoo across the studio.

3:10 Adam Little gas going, huh?

3:11 Jay Mohr I'm going to look like a dirty fountain.

3:13 Adam Jay, I was just...

3:14 Jay Mohr In-N-Out tells you that you're going to have diarrhea.

3:16 Adam Do they?

3:17 Jay Mohr They say, that's what our hamburgers are all about. They sing it to you. In-N-Out. That's their slogan. Like a guy came up with that. This isn't a bit. Me and my friend were talking about this crossing the street. It's not, hey, our hamburgers are great. No, man. In-N-Out. Straight through.

3:36 Adam Right.

3:37 Jay Mohr You're going to cramp a road flare. I'm sorry. I realize halfway through that it sounds like I'm going into bits.

3:44 Adam No, no.

3:45 Jay Mohr Actually, there is one across the street, as you guys can attest.

3:48 Adam We haven't had any comedy on this show in about... Well, I've been on the show for about five and a half years.

3:54 Drew About five and a half years, Jay.

3:55 Adam So it's been about five and a half. Well, but we have had comedians on. That's true.

3:58 Drew Occasionally, yes.

3:59 Jay Mohr And know what? They don't...

4:00 Adam No, they're funny.

4:01 Jay Mohr Oh.

4:02 Adam Drew was just busting my chops. Jay is the voice of... What show was I thinking of that I really enjoy?

4:10 Jay Mohr Oh, let's get to the calls and go through the biography.

4:12 Adam No, where is that? I was just...

4:14 Jay Mohr You don't have to do it for my benefit. If it's something you're genuinely curious about, then let's go.

4:17 Adam No, I am genuinely curious about this. Beyond the Glory, because I was watching...

4:22 Jay Mohr You're listening to Loveline, Beyond the Glory.

4:24 Adam I was watching The Worn Moon, Beyond the Glory, last night.

4:28 Jay Mohr That was one of the duller ones, actually.

4:30 Adam No, I enjoyed it. It's on my TiVo lineup. I loved the hell out of that show. I saw the Mother's Day thing before.

4:38 Jay Mohr Right after the new Lifetime sitcom.

4:41 Adam No, I watched the hell out of that show. I was sitting there watching it last night, and I was thinking, who does the voice for this?

4:48 Jay Mohr Never dawned on you?

4:49 Adam Never dawned on me. I did not recognize your voice.

4:52 Jay Mohr Did you want to know who did the voice? Because you, in particular, like the voice?

4:56 Adam No, I was thinking, that guy, how inappropriate. That guy sucks. No, I don't know why. I was watching last night, and I was watching the Warren Moon one, which I love them all because it's sports, and it's sort of truth, and it's biography.

5:09 Jay Mohr It's behind the music with sports.

5:11 Adam Yeah, I mean, I've seen-

5:13 Jay Mohr It's VH1 behind the music with sports.

5:15 Adam I've seen Deion Sanders and the Mailman.

5:17 Jay Mohr Drew, not talking on the radio. That's a good career move. Go ahead, Adam.

5:20 Adam Oh, no. That's his bread and butter.

5:22 Drew You guys are doing plenty of talking.

5:23 Jay Mohr You guys are flipping through Drugs magazine.

5:25 Adam I just think that's a cool gig.

5:27 Drew I think I saw Pauly three times, four times with my kids, and I cannot remember what the movie is about.

5:31 Jay Mohr Oh, it's actually good. Sometimes guys will try to clown me like, yeah, Pauly, and I actually feel comfortable looking at them and saying, no, actually, that's a good movie.

5:41 Adam Yeah, the Parrot movie.

5:42 Jay Mohr It's for children, I mean, it's a kid's movie. It's not, you know, it's not Casino for Crying Out Loud.

5:47 Adam All right, Drew, you want to just keep reading and bringing up random things?

5:50 Drew Yeah, when you guys are done, I'd like to go to some calls.

5:52 Jay Mohr What do you mean when we're done? We're just talking because nothing else is happening because you're sitting there reading the paper.

5:56 Adam That's right.

5:57 Drew He's in the control seat right now.

5:58 Adam Joe?

5:59 Yeah. Hi, Joe.

6:02 Adam You're 22.

6:03 Caller That's right.

6:03 In and out.

6:05 Caller Actually, my first question goes to you, Adam. On The Man Show, you guys show those chicks jumping up and down on the trampolines.

6:12 Adam That's right.

6:12 Caller Okay. Where can I get a copy of that?

6:15 Adam I don't know. You just want the trampolines, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what you're going to have to do. You're going to have to tape the show and then fast-forward through the show and get to the credits where the chicks jump up and down on the trampolines.

6:29 Caller Just can't get a straight video, huh?

6:32 Adam I don't know.

6:32 Drew I think we ought to market for this, huh?

6:34 Caller Yeah. Big market. Come on.

6:36 Adam Yeah. I think we're going to do something.

6:37 Jay Mohr Thank you. Is there merchandising on that show or did they put you over a coffee table?

6:41 Adam There's... It was actually over... It was a wet bar that I was... I mean, when I was saying only raped by the producers of the show as far as...

6:49 Jay Mohr I'm saying like if they released it on video, do you have... I don't want to know...

6:53 Adam Do we get money?

6:53 Jay Mohr I don't want to know what you make.

6:55 Adam Oh, all right.

6:55 Jay Mohr But I'm saying like I negotiate with the same types of people and I know sometimes they just don't give it to you.

7:01 Adam I don't think we get a whole lot off the merchandising.

7:03 Jay Mohr You might want to push for the box set of trampoline breast jumping right next to the Sopranos in the classy section at Tower Records.

7:12 Adam We got some mugs and some t-shirts, but I don't think we have that one yet. But go ahead, Joe. You have a question?

7:18 Caller Yeah. The last two girls I've been with, I've been having sex with them. It's going good. And all of a sudden halfway through, it just goes limp.

7:25 Drew This is sort of a one-night stand thing or is it?

7:28 Caller Yeah, they are.

7:29 Drew These are not sustained relationships?

7:31 Caller No, it's not.

7:32 Drew All right. So are you doing drugs or drinking when you do this?

7:35 Caller Oh, no, no.

7:36 Drew Are you on any medication?

7:37 Caller Nope, none at all.

7:38 Adam What do you mean halfway through?

7:40 Caller You know, you're going at it.

7:41 Drew How long is that?

7:42 Caller About 10, 15 minutes.

7:44 Drew And by the way, how could it be halfway through when there's no through? When there's no erection.

7:48 Adam How do you know what the end is?

7:50 Caller Right.

7:50 Jay Mohr Stephen Hawking's. Look at this now.

7:52 Adam Very interesting.

7:52 Jay Mohr Let's break it down into quarks. It's normally like half an hour, 45 minutes.

7:56 Adam So you're saying it's normally a half hour, so at the 15-minute mark, the penis loses its momentum and that's at the halfway point.

8:04 Caller All done, yeah.

8:04 Jay Mohr You don't take Paxil or smoke grass before you have sex?

8:07 Caller Nothing.

8:08 Adam And are you?

8:08 Jay Mohr I don't believe. You smoke grass. Come on.

8:11 Caller Never done it in my life. Really?

8:13 Drew But those are the right questions because most of that kind of thing. Yeah, you're good, Jay.

8:17 Jay Mohr I take Paxil and I know when I'm trying to give my wife a little treat, halfway through, it's like, what happened to the party? It's the Paxil, you know?

8:27 Drew I was hoping it was lithium, but okay. All right, we'll get them.

8:30 Jay Mohr Lithium?

8:31 Caller No, man.

8:31 Adam Joe.

8:31 Jay Mohr Straight in the arrow.

8:32 Adam Joe, you're engaged in intercourse when your penis falls off like this?

8:39 Caller Yeah.

8:39 Adam Yeah, that's bad.

8:40 Drew Are you thinking about, oh my god, here it's going to happen again? Well, no.

8:45 Caller I try to hold it as long as I can. I kind of stop, and I think sometimes I get overworked about it. I just lose it.

8:51 Jay Mohr That's actually happened to me.

8:52 Drew I don't want to hear about it.

8:54 Adam I do. No orgasm, though, right?

8:56 Caller No.

8:56 Adam Okay.

8:59 Caller Could it be the fact that she's like too loose or something?

9:01 Jay Mohr No. No one's too...

9:03 Caller Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway here.

9:05 Drew All right. This isn't happening to you, if that's your MI. All right.

9:09 Adam Chosen idiot. But look...

9:11 Jay Mohr Irvine Improv, he's my opening act, and I thought it would be funny to start to show out with a little gag.

9:16 Caller Get him out, Norton.

9:17 Adam I don't know if he still may have this problem.

9:20 Drew Well, listen, if it's not something...

9:23 Jay Mohr He's smoking grass.

9:24 Drew Right. If it's not medications, not drugs, then the most likely thing is anxiety. He's either anxious about being this woman, he doesn't like them, or something makes him nervous, or the concern about it happening again makes it happen again.

9:33 Jay Mohr You know what, Drew? I'd like to be your street cred translator. Yeah. You know what, man? Maybe my man just ain't a closer. You know what I'm saying? Maybe my man just ain't a closer. Maybe, you know, he holds it in and it gets in his head. And, you know, because he's no closer. Some guys can hold it in and make it worth everybody's while. Some guys hold it in and look what happens to that guy.

9:53 Drew That is me, isn't it?

9:54 Adam Yeah. Well, that's your street cred version. Yeah. Nicole?

9:58 Yeah.

9:58 Adam You're 18?

9:59 Caller Yeah.

10:00 Adam What's wrong?

10:01 Caller Um, well, I can only have an orgasm when I use a vibrator.

10:07 Adam All right, hold on. Drew's got his wallet out. There may be some gambling going on. We haven't done this in a while. Jay, you have any money? You have a dollar?

10:15 Jay Mohr Yeah.

10:16 Adam All right. We're going to gamble. We haven't done this in, uh, I like, you know what?

10:20 Jay Mohr I'm happy to be here, you guys. And this makes it more fun because, uh, when I play PlayStation in my house, it's like the floor of the stock exchange, my friends and I. $20 a home run, $50 a game, fillings in the bullpen, an extra $5. It's ridiculous.

10:32 Adam It makes it...

10:33 Jay Mohr What the hell is going on? And why is my money on the table?

10:35 Adam I'll tell you why, because we're going to gamble on Nicole. Now, here's how we do this. Drew says we do it as a sort of lesson to teach people about how predictable human behavior is. For me, it's beating up on people that are already down and making a buck at the same time. Any way you slice it, it's, uh, it's good for everybody. Now, I've won the last two times we've done this.

10:56 Drew We haven't done it like four months, I think.

10:57 Adam It's been a couple of months. But here's what we're gambling on.

11:01 Drew You're winning.

11:02 Adam Drew heard her voice and she's 18. And when you hear that kind of screwed up little girl voice, there's always trouble. Now, the question is, is what happened in her past? That's what we're gambling on. Rape, molestation, alcoholic father, maybe nothing, maybe everything's good. That's not, that's smart money sometimes too, because sometimes it's kind of more. They don't admit to anything. I know it is a little crass. It is. It is.

11:27 Jay Mohr Hey, you know what? I got a dollar, says her uncle raped her.

11:29 Adam I'll tell you the scary part.

11:31 Jay Mohr That's hilarious, guys. Here's the here's that on Lifetime.

11:33 Adam Here's the real sad part is on after Boo Hoo.

11:36 Jay Mohr The story of some lady is when Drew, come on, nothing else. What is this?

11:41 Adam I think it's funny. I'm just saying that the real scary part comes is when and when Drew puts a buck down on molestation, and finds out she's been molested and does a small victory dance in the studio.

11:54 Jay Mohr What I think is more alarming is that it's from the person's voice. Yeah. It's become entertainment for you in a way like a morning job would guess like, what kind of car you drive when you honk your horn.

12:09 Drew No, the reason we started doing this. I know that one.

12:11 Jay Mohr Toy Auditor Sell. My phone screener just typed it up on my computer.

12:14 Adam Write that one down.

12:16 Drew I got it.

12:16 Jay Mohr Yeah, you just get the phone screener to type in the car on the computer.

12:19 Drew The reason we started doing it, people, we'd go, what happened to you? Were you abused? And they'd go, no, no, no. And we'll come, things wouldn't make sense. We'd go, wait a minute, were you sure you weren't abused? And they'd go, well, but I've dealt with it. It has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. So we started saying, hey look, it has so much to do with it. This whole call didn't make sense until we got to that. So now we're saying upfront, and don't tell us it doesn't have anything to do with it. We know so much about what it has to do with that we can predict it just by listening to your voice. We know that's what's making you call.

12:47 Adam You better hope you're right now, Drew.

12:49 Jay Mohr I didn't read for my wallet. So you're saying she is, Drew?

12:54 Adam No, we all got to gamble, that's what I'm saying. So let's just get to that.

12:57 Drew Adam is saying that this one may not be that screwed up.

12:59 Adam Let's get started. No, her voice was screwed.

13:01 Jay Mohr No, but what am I betting on?

13:02 Adam Here, I'll give you some options. It'll make it very easy.

13:05 Jay Mohr Because I'm going to bet for just for law of averages that she's calling the show and she sounded like she was crying like a...

13:14 Adam But remember, we're betting on her past.

13:16 Jay Mohr Yeah, I'm going to bet she's been...

13:17 Drew She had a normal family life.

13:18 Jay Mohr I think one out of three women, everybody's been...

13:21 Adam So what are you going with?

13:22 Jay Mohr Of course she's been touched by somebody.

13:23 Adam Molested.

13:24 Drew Yeah, of course.

13:25 Adam What age? What age?

13:27 Jay Mohr And that encompasses even like the shower curtain being removed just so you can watch from a distance.

13:32 Drew What age? You're talking about something you were doing or what?

13:34 Jay Mohr No, I'm just saying like there's a lot of way to get in a kid's head and freak them out.

13:37 Drew OK, so what age?

13:38 Adam You got an age?

13:40 Drew Say eight.

13:41 Jay Mohr No, I'm going to say... No, OK, here it is. Ready? Check this out. All right. And I'll do a little victory dance. Early Bloomer, right?

13:51 Adam Right.

13:52 Jay Mohr Funky Father.

13:53 Drew Yeah. Right.

13:54 Jay Mohr All right. I'm going to say right around 16.

13:56 Drew OK.

13:56 Jay Mohr They got a little... No, you don't know. Early Bloomer. I'm going to say about... I'm going to say 13, 14. Good bet. Because she was like the first girl with like...

14:03 Adam 13, 14.

14:03 Drew Good bet.

14:04 Adam Maybe Dad. All right. I'm going to go Dad Not Around, Step Dad, Bad Guy But Didn't Do The Damage, maybe Step Family Brother, something like that.

14:18 Drew All right. You're getting sexual abuse.

14:19 Adam Yeah. I'm going to go with Step Brother, sexual abuse.

14:22 Jay Mohr The Dark Horse, Step Brother.

14:25 Adam That's a tall one.

14:26 Drew I'm going to go Alcoholic Dad.

14:29 Caller Yeah.

14:31 Drew Or Step Dad. I think there might be like a bit of Step Dad came along. And then physical abuse.

14:36 Jay Mohr Let me see what the cards say now.

14:38 Adam No sexual abuse.

14:39 Jay Mohr We need Clio to read it, put her cards down now.

14:41 Adam All right.

14:42 Jay Mohr Nothing.

14:42 Adam Nicole? All right. What do we got?

14:47 Caller Nothing really.

14:49 Adam Oh, no. And here's we're all praying. Please, please be molested at some point.

14:55 Caller No, I mean, my dad isn't around, but I was never really, I was never molested or anything.

15:02 Drew No one ever struck you, hit you?

15:04 Adam Oh, here for Drew Lobbies.

15:05 Drew No one ever hit you?

15:06 Adam Well, hold on a second. Drew, you may owe us because you reach for your wallet. Nicole, let me do the question. The kids respect me. Nicole, your dad left when you were how old?

15:23 Caller Like 13.

15:24 Adam 13.

15:25 Caller Yeah.

15:26 Adam And so he left fairly recently. And why did he leave?

15:31 Caller My parents got the war.

15:32 Adam Okay. And you know why?

15:35 Caller He was cheating on her.

15:36 Adam Cheating on her.

15:37 Jay Mohr With you?

15:38 Adam Interesting. With you? No, not with you.

15:41 Jay Mohr That's too bad. And we all could have made a buck.

15:44 Adam Did he drink?

15:45 Caller Um, no.

15:46 Adam No? Not a drinker. Any drugs, any marijuana, pills, anything like that?

15:52 Caller No, not that I know of.

15:53 Adam What did he do for a living?

15:55 Caller He's a meanest man.

15:57 Adam I see.

15:58 Jay Mohr Oh, there are always child molesters.

16:01 Drew Mom using?

16:01 Adam And what about mom?

16:05 Caller She's a religious. She doesn't do anything like that.

16:07 Caller Yeah.

16:08 Adam What was she doing before she found Jesus Christ?

16:11 Caller I don't know. She found him pretty early.

16:14 Adam Oh, okay.

16:15 Caller Selling eggs.

16:15 Adam All right. So she wasn't shooting heroin or anything before she found Jesus?

16:20 Caller No.

16:21 Adam All right. And so your mom didn't remarry? So she's still single?

16:27 Caller Yeah.

16:27 Adam And when did you lose your virginity?

16:29 Caller When I was 15.

16:32 Adam All right.

16:32 Caller A month before I turned 16.

16:34 Adam How old was the guy?

16:36 Caller Uh, 15.

16:37 Adam All right.

16:37 Caller 14.

16:38 Jay Mohr I don't like this gambling bet. I still don't know why she called.

16:41 Adam We don't get anything. This snake eye is here, Drew. What?

16:45 Drew Unacceptable.

16:45 Adam No, I accept that. I didn't hear it in her voice.

16:48 Drew I'm, the addiction thing is there. I just know it.

16:50 Jay Mohr Why don't we ask her why she called?

16:52 Drew Go with the addiction. So you...

16:54 Adam Jay, I know that makes sense. It really does.

16:57 Drew So you...

16:57 Jay Mohr Is that too expeditious?

16:59 Adam No. Here's the problem. Drew reached for his wallet prematurely, then got into this long meandering thing about why we know and now he's rolled snake eyes and now he's trying to save some face. So we gotta give him 30 seconds to try to save a little face.

17:15 Drew Go ahead. You're calling about the fact that you masturbate a lot, right?

17:18 Caller Yeah.

17:18 Drew How many times a day?

17:20 Caller Well, I used to do it a lot.

17:21 Drew How many times a day?

17:23 Caller Like four or five.

17:24 Drew And when... How old were you when you started doing that?

17:27 Caller I was pretty young, probably like 13.

17:30 Drew And what's happening now?

17:31 Jay Mohr It's two 13s, gentlemen. I got that in there. Put your left foot in, at least. I got a toe in the water.

17:36 Drew What's happening right now?

17:38 Caller Well, I masturbate a lot and I do it pretty much every chance I get. And every guy that I've been with, I've never been able to get an orgasm. I mean, I can only do it with a vibrator. I can do it with my fingers.

17:51 Drew All right. And do you do drugs or alcohol yourself?

17:55 Jay Mohr I just realized she told us why she called, but we spent so long talking about it, I forgot about it. Remember when I was like lobbying to hear why she called?

18:01 Drew Yeah, she had already told you.

18:02 Jay Mohr She had already told us. I apologize, gentlemen.

18:04 Drew But were you doing drugs or alcohol yourself?

18:08 Caller Sometimes.

18:09 Drew What drugs are you doing?

18:11 Caller I do it a few times.

18:13 Drew How many times a week?

18:15 Caller Probably like once or twice.

18:17 Drew Once or twice a week. Would you do it every day if you could?

18:20 Caller I used to do it every day, but I stopped a lot.

18:22 Drew Okay. Do your dad never do drugs or alcohol?

18:27 Caller No, not that I know of.

18:28 Drew Why do I distinctly have that sort of feel? Is there some alcohol in your family somewhere?

18:33 Caller My uncle was a really bad alcoholic.

18:35 Drew And who is his brother?

18:37 Caller My dad.

18:38 Drew Okay.

18:38 Adam Well, that doesn't mean it.

18:40 Jay Mohr Is this Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon?

18:41 Drew No, she's got the gene is what I'm getting at.

18:44 Adam She might.

18:45 Drew She's got the gene.

18:45 Adam Look, three courses people call the show have the gene.

18:47 Jay Mohr What's that got to do with Frank can run out with a vibrator?

18:49 Drew She's compulsive with it a little bit. All right. I'll give Drew that.

18:52 Jay Mohr Everything she really likes having orgasms.

18:54 Drew And she can't perform with a guy because she's so compulsive about her masturbating. All right.

19:00 Adam Hey, Nicole. Yeah.

19:02 Jay Mohr Can you have, I'm sorry. Can you have an orgasm while you masturbate while a guy is having intercourse with you?

19:08 Huh?

19:09 Jay Mohr Could you use your vibrator on yourself and bring yourself to orgasm while you were having intercourse with a guy?

19:16 Caller You could?

19:18 Caller Yeah, probably.

19:19 Jay Mohr So then you're having orgasms while you're having intercourse?

19:22 Caller Yeah, but it's not from the guy. It's from the vibrator.

19:24 Adam Well, look, when I'm with a chick.

19:25 Jay Mohr A little separation issue right there, right, Drew? Right?

19:27 Drew No, no. She doesn't realize that most guys can't make women have orgasms. That's just the way it is. Most women can't have orgasms during intercourse. All right.

19:34 Adam What's the answer?

19:35 Drew The answer is...

19:36 Adam Drew, I should sue you for going for your wallet.

19:38 Drew No, no. Here's the deal. She is using, she is an addict in the evolution. She's that gene is beginning to express itself. She's using arousal as a way of managing affect, managing feelings.

19:48 Jay Mohr I think that's a ridiculous leap of logic and faith.

19:52 Drew It's not logic. That's what people do.

19:55 Jay Mohr The fact that she enjoys masturbating four times a day, you're going to tie that to her uncle's alcoholism somehow.

20:00 Drew Oh, no. I deal with the addict so much I can just tell when somebody's got that gene. I just know it. And the fact that she smokes pot every day is what I'm putting that she has the gene on.

20:09 Jay Mohr And I think she smokes pot every day.

20:11 Drew Yeah, yeah. She's a marijuana addict. You have to have the alcoholism gene to be a marijuana addict.

20:15 Adam Here's what I'm thinking about doing. I'm thinking about giving Jay his dollar back, me taking my dollar back, and us tearing your dollar in half.

20:21 Drew Fair enough.

20:21 Adam And taking one dollar.

20:22 Jay Mohr How about three of us give our dollar to Brett?

20:23 Adam There you go. But no, wait a minute. I think we need to leave it out here to remind us to gamble because we cannot go out on this kind of gambling night.

20:33 Jay Mohr We must find another stooge.

20:33 Adam I'm all for that.

20:34 Jay Mohr Sorry, Brett, you're out.

20:36 Adam All right. He can, Brett, you can get the money if.

20:39 Jay Mohr Not if I win. If anybody else wins, it's all yours.

20:42 Adam Laura?

20:42 Jay Mohr Yes.

20:43 Adam You're 29?

20:44 Jay Mohr All right. I got a dollar right now that says it was her uncle on a rowboat in the middle of Lake Opec on New Jersey.

20:51 Adam With a candlestick.

20:53 Jay Mohr Yeah, in the den.

20:53 Drew In the library.

20:54 Adam Laura?

20:55 Yeah.

20:55 Adam You're 29. What's up?

20:57 Caller I have a question for the doctor.

20:58 Drew Real quick.

20:59 I have I've been I've been diagnosed with depression and general anxiety and I've been on medication for quite a while. I'm currently taking an effect there.

21:09 Adam All right. Hold on, Drew.

21:10 Drew It's a quick one.

21:11 Adam I don't want to get into the effects or in the depression after that long rambling nonsense. We just got in. Give me some give me something fun here. For Christ's sake, Alisha.

21:22 Yeah.

21:22 Adam You're 15.

21:23 Caller Yeah.

21:24 Jay Mohr When you go out, Adam, you take a lot of mulligans, don't you?

21:26 Adam Yeah, I do.

21:27 Jay Mohr I have no idea what's going on. I'm like all into it. Like, okay. Yeah.

21:31 Drew Yeah.

21:31 Jay Mohr You know what, honey, you got to hold on because you're not as interesting potentially as someone else.

21:35 Drew Alisha, what's up?

21:36 Adam That's right. Go ahead, Alisha.

21:38 Jay Mohr Fantastic.

21:39 Yeah. I have this weird smell coming from a vagina.

21:43 Adam There we go. That's what I'm talking about.

21:46 Jay Mohr Smells like skunk vomit.

21:48 Adam Yeah.

21:49 I don't know what it is.

21:50 Drew Are you sexually active?

21:51 No. I thought I had an infection or something.

21:54 Drew Right.

21:54 Jay Mohr Sizzling in hot garbage.

21:56 Drew That would be the most common reason for that. So you got to see a doctor and get treated for that.

22:00 Adam You having sex?

22:01 Drew No. Anything going in there?

22:05 Only my finger.

22:06 Drew Yeah. Maybe you should introduce some bacteria.

22:07 Jay Mohr Maybe you should wash your hands.

22:08 Adam Yeah.

22:09 Drew You can get bacteria in there. But it usually is infection that causes it.

22:12 Jay Mohr Do you guys usually have comics on the show ever?

22:15 Adam Oh, it's happened.

22:15 Jay Mohr I feel like I'm just breaking my head against a brick wall.

22:17 Adam Oh, no, no, no.

22:18 Jay Mohr I'm coming up with some real funny stuff here. So I'm pretty much playing to people in their cars right now.

22:21 Adam Don't expect us to respond.

22:23 Jay Mohr I mean, skunk vomit. Just out of nowhere.

22:26 Adam No, that's good. Yeah, you know, I was actually thinking about that.

22:29 Jay Mohr I'm freaking drowning over here. I got to materialize people in their cars in Oklahoma going, thank God Jay Mohr isn't there because I'm in the middle of nowhere and he's saying funny things. And I'm high and it's even funnier that they're not laughing at him.

22:42 Adam Jay, oh, did you say you were high or the guy in Oklahoma is high?

22:44 Jay Mohr No, the guy that's in his car is laughing because no one's laughing at my jokes.

22:48 Adam Is this another comedian? I'm lost. No. Look, skunk vomit, hilarious. Write that down, skunk vomit. Write that down.

22:57 Jay Mohr What about the chick that's depressed?

22:59 Adam We're going to get to that.

23:00 Jay Mohr Look, fill the tub with Listerine, laying it with your legs open, it's not going to smell anymore. I don't know if it's going to cure the problem, but it'll cure the symptom.

23:07 Adam Write Listerine, top down.

23:08 Jay Mohr I'm going to say, like right there, that's an A plus, man. Now I'm just plugging Irvine Improv all weekend long. If you think this is funnier than the way they've been responding, come down and show me face to face.

23:19 Adam Hold on, I got one. Hang one of those little scented Christmas trees from your clitoris. Write that one down.

23:25 Jay Mohr That's a good one. Hang that from when you flick the bean, you can dangle the pine scent.

23:30 Adam Hey, Alicia?

23:31 Caller Yeah?

23:32 Adam Jay's funny, right?

23:33 Caller Yeah.

23:34 Adam Okay, good.

23:34 Jay Mohr Not when he's talking about my smelly vagina, he's not.

23:38 Drew You do need to see someone, it needs to be treated. You could try some, man, you really need to get sane to this.

23:42 Jay Mohr Do you see a gynecologist?

23:44 Drew Yeah.

23:45 Jay Mohr Have you ever asked him?

23:46 Caller No.

23:46 Jay Mohr Don't you think he notices?

23:49 Caller I don't know.

23:49 Jay Mohr What do you mean? If you smell it, he's the one looking at it.

23:53 Adam Hey, do gynecologists wear those masks?

23:55 Drew No.

23:55 Adam Why does a dental hygienist wear a mask but a gynecologist doesn't?

24:02 Drew The splashing of the splashing.

24:03 Adam I'm just saying if there's a gig to wear a mask...

24:06 Drew Gigs don't splash.

24:08 Adam No. I'm saying if there's a gig, meaning a job where you should wear a mask. He's been doing the show so long.

24:15 Jay Mohr He's been doing the show with Fred Mertz.

24:17 Adam He thinks everything is euphemism for vagina.

24:20 Jay Mohr It's great. Gigs don't splash. Actually, gigs do splash. I've had them splash.

24:25 Drew Not in the doctor's office.

24:27 Adam What I'm saying is that guys wear masks, a lot of masks, right? I mean, a lot of technicians and things wear these things. Why not a gynecologist? Wouldn't you want to wear one as a gynecologist?

24:38 Jay Mohr That would seem impersonal.

24:40 Adam Yeah, I think what arounds suspicion.

24:42 Drew You're not taking a drill with stuff flying out of it.

24:45 Adam Yeah, but they'll squirt you like a sea anemone once in a while. Right? We've talked to those women on this show. Really? All right, we're going to take a break. We're going to regroup here. Anderson, do you got some canned laughs for Jay Mohr?

25:00 Jay Mohr No, that's the kiss. That means you hate me.

25:03 Adam No, I think Jay's funny.

25:04 Jay Mohr That's the kiss of death.

25:06 Adam Let me try some of Jay's material.

25:08 Jay Mohr You do it.

25:09 Adam Skunk vomit. All right, now be ready with that, would you Anderson? And pay attention.

25:16 Jay Mohr It sounds like Sinatra live at the Sands. What club was that taken from?

25:21 Adam You understand the man is spinning gold over here, and I want you to focus on the laugh track.

25:26 Drew Why don't you change seats so you can appreciate the groupers in the other room too?

25:29 Adam What's that?

25:30 Drew Maybe you change positions with Jay?

25:31 Jay Mohr I turn around, there's four people on the floor laughing. And then I go, OK, it's not me. These guys are on, what are you, on a plonopin? They take too many?

25:39 Adam They see your chair turning and they yell, hit the deck.

25:43 Jay Mohr So I don't, so my gig doesn't splash them.

25:46 Adam Listen, these dudes are supposed to...

25:47 Jay Mohr I called it back so you could go to commercial and still nothing. You're just, you're not a giver.

25:52 Drew No, that's true.

25:53 Adam Now come on, that was a funny...

25:55 Jay Mohr No, no, it's just, you know, you know, in every team, Adam, it's gotta be a cyclical relationship. And I'm going 180 and I'm overextending at times.

26:04 Adam You're right.

26:04 Jay Mohr You know, and two, if a relationship's gotta work, it's gotta be a circle. That's why a wedding ring is a circle, instead of like a rectangle.

26:11 Adam You're right. We gotta do the circle thing.

26:13 Jay Mohr You're not, you know, ebb and flow like the ocean. I think you're just ebb and man.

26:16 Drew I beg your pardon.

26:18 Adam Ebb and flow was a popular group from the end.

26:21 Drew That was a good Pearl Jam circle thing.

26:23 Ebb and flow.

26:24 Adam All right, we're gonna take a share singing even flow. We're gonna take a little break. Jay Mohr is here and we'll be back.

26:33 Hello, what is this?

26:34 Drew This is Loveline.

26:38 Adam Buddy, it's the Love Line. I'm Adam Carolla, that's Dr. Drew. Jay Mohr is our guest tonight. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Jay can be found at the Irvine Improv.

26:47 Jay Mohr That's where we should play the laugh right there when you say that I'm the guest.

26:50 Adam Jay Mohr, guest tonight.

26:54 Jay Mohr See, that's funny.

26:55 Adam Like, ah, like, funny stuff, funny stuff. Let me just, you know, if you missed the first segment, you missed Skunk Vomit, you missed Listerine Tub. I mean, they take some explanation, but keep in mind, that was some funny, funny stuff.

27:09 Jay Mohr It's simple. If you have a funky dance floor down there, ladies, you can always fill the tub with Listerine and laying it with your legs open.

27:15 Drew Irvine Improv.

27:16 Adam That's right.

27:17 Drew August 30th, September 2nd, Labor Day weekend.

27:19 Jay Mohr This is going south, man.

27:22 Adam Hear the Skunk Vomit more.

27:22 Jay Mohr Can I play one of my acoustic songs?

27:24 Drew Oh.

27:25 Jay Mohr We might just play acoustic here.

27:26 Drew Well, Anderson.

27:28 Jay Mohr Penny?

27:28 Drew No, no, no, no. The Taboo II.

27:31 Adam No, we're not going to hear Taboo 2 tonight. That's it.

27:39 Jay Mohr All right. Come on, man.

27:47 Adam Let's do it.

27:49 Jay Mohr I'll try anything.

27:49 Adam This is a theme song to one of my favorite...

27:52 Jay Mohr I hit to all fields.

27:53 Adam Favorite porn movies.

27:55 Jay Mohr Taboo II.

27:56 Adam Taboo II.

27:57 Jay Mohr Why, guys cranking their mothers? That turns you on?

27:59 Adam I and sister. But it's about so much more. Well, not really. I think you got a big problem.

28:05 Jay Mohr I think Drew would agree with me.

28:06 Adam Let me tell you something that's a nice treat to do. I lost Taboo II for about three months and then found it yesterday. And it was like getting it on with an old girlfriend. I never felt better about myself. And I would suggest this to guys.

28:20 Jay Mohr You're masturbating to a guy having sex with his sister.

28:24 Adam And mom. You keep leaving mom out. Sister and mom.

28:28 Jay Mohr This is the guy that thinks anal sex is an act of violence and doesn't believe in it should be in the bedroom ever.

28:34 Adam That's right.

28:34 Jay Mohr And yet you're cranking it out to a guy, you know, Paul's Deep and his sister and mom.

28:39 Adam I'm quite a paradox. I know.

28:40 Drew Speaking of Paul's Deep, Angela on line one.

28:42 Jay Mohr Oh really?

28:43 Adam All right. Jay Mohr, everybody.

28:44 Jay Mohr Angela.

28:45 Drew Angela.

28:45 Jay Mohr It's Angela. It's me, Tony Danza.

28:47 Drew Angela, what's up?

28:48 Jay Mohr Who's the boss?

28:49 Adam Oh, I know it.

28:52 Jay Mohr That's right, you S&Bs.

28:55 Drew Angela. Angela, you have a question?

28:57 Yeah. You know, you guys really need Jimmy on the show.

29:00 Adam On this show?

29:01 Drew Whatever. Are you trying to put me to an early grave or what?

29:06 Jay Mohr He must be funnier than me.

29:07 Caller He's a bad Jimmy. All right.

29:09 Adam Go ahead there, Angela.

29:11 Drew Yeah, I was looking for-

29:12 Jay Mohr He lives on my street. I could ask him.

29:13 Drew I'm sorry.

29:14 Caller Tea bagging is.

29:15 Drew Jay?

29:16 Jay Mohr What is tea? Who is this?

29:19 Adam She wants to know what tea bagging is.

29:21 Drew Angela 15. Angela 15.

29:23 Adam Term tea bag.

29:26 Is it a real term or?

29:28 Jay Mohr Yeah, it's when you dip your scrotum into the girl's mouth a la a tea bag, hence tea bag.

29:36 Adam Yeah.

29:37 Jay Mohr Comprende?

29:38 Yeah.

29:38 Adam You're good with that, Angela?

29:40 Jay Mohr That's something to me is demeaning. Like if you're dipping.

29:45 Drew You're married, right?

29:46 Jay Mohr Yeah.

29:46 Drew How long?

29:47 Jay Mohr Happily, two and a half years.

29:49 Adam Do you want to know what the dirty Sanchez is, Angela?

29:52 Jay Mohr Oh, God.

29:53 Adam No. All right. That's enough, Angela. Don't don't.

29:55 Jay Mohr Rusty trombone.

29:56 Drew Where in Wyoming are you calling from?

29:57 Adam I don't know what that one is.

29:58 Jay Mohr Rusty trombone.

29:59 Drew Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where in Wyoming are you?

30:01 Caller Cheyenne.

30:02 Jay Mohr Child molesting, Bill? Is that what you were fishing for?

30:06 Adam What is the rusty trombone? Wyoming.

30:08 Jay Mohr She must be child molested.

30:10 Adam What's the rusty trombone, Jay?

30:12 Jay Mohr That's a guy getting manually manipulated while the woman is behind him with her tongue in his rear end.

30:22 Adam Oh, really? Rusty trombone. That's good.

30:25 Jay Mohr Drew doesn't want to hear it.

30:26 Adam I like that. Hey, what name is that?

30:30 Drew Wait a minute. We just move on after that, just like that?

30:33 Adam That's what she wanted to know what that was.

30:34 Jay Mohr Drew, was I supposed to not answer? He asked me what it was.

30:37 Drew Hello?

30:39 Adam Angela wanted to know what the teabag was. Our guest answered the question. Oh, now my mic doesn't work.

30:45 Drew I was, I was, I was.

30:46 Adam All right, Drew, listen. Quiet down.

30:48 Drew Your mic shut off.

30:49 Adam Please quiet down. Helene?

30:51 Caller Yes?

30:51 Adam You're 19?

30:53 Caller Yeah.

30:53 Adam What's up?

30:55 Caller Well, I got accepted to the University of Newcastle, which is in Australia. And I've been going out with my boyfriend for like two years. And I'm moving away. And I was kind of happy that I was going to be doing something completely different and like kind of have a long-distance relationship just so I could try out doing other things with other people.

31:19 Drew A long-distance relationship that you really will just terminate very quickly.

31:22 Caller Well, I didn't want to terminate it because I do love him. And I mean, he's, you know, I just wanted to...

31:29 Drew No, let's be honest here. Let's be honest. You don't really love him. You love him, but you're not in love with him.

31:36 Caller Oh, no. I really love him.

31:38 Adam Why are you thinking about experimenting with other guys? No, no.

31:41 Caller I didn't want to experiment with other guys. I wanted to be, like, just free for a second, not with other guys, just independent for a little bit.

31:51 Caller Hmm.

31:53 Adam And so how long are you going to Australia for?

31:56 Caller Well, two years.

31:57 Adam Yeah, that's a long time.

31:59 Caller More, more.

32:00 Adam From 19 to 21 and beyond.

32:02 Caller Well, and the thing is, is that, well, his best friend, which is a really good friend of mine, told me that he's going to be proposing to me on my birthday.

32:13 Drew Oh, boy.

32:14 Caller September 3rd, and I don't really know what to say to him because, I mean, I'm just not ready for that.

32:22 Drew You better have a talk with him before he gets to that point.

32:24 Adam Does he know you're going?

32:26 Caller Yeah, he does.

32:27 Drew He's going to want to go with you, huh?

32:29 Caller Well, I don't know. He just sprung in as a surprise to me. He's like, oh, I'm going to come with you.

32:33 Caller Oh, boy.

32:34 Adam How old is this guy?

32:36 Caller He's 23.

32:37 Adam Yeah. You have a Drifter kill him. This guy's a baggage.

32:40 Drew Elaine, realize that if you really were in love with someone, you would not be planning to leave them.

32:47 Caller No, I...

32:48 Drew No, stop. Really. You'd be delighted...

32:50 Adam How does this go, by the way? How come the chicks always do this where they go, no, no, he's so special. He means so much. I'm effing his brother. But no, you don't understand. You don't... It was to be closer to him. He's so... Guys never do that. Look, if you're planning on leaving the continent, you're not that into the guy.

33:13 Drew Yeah, you're actually...

33:13 Adam There's no 19-year-old girl who's crazy in love with a guy, except for she's scared assless that he's going to propose and she's planning on leaving the continent. Yeah.

33:22 Drew She likes him a lot and it's not... Her actions speak much more loudly. Yes? I would agree, yes.

33:28 Adam Thank you. Yeah.

33:29 Drew Jay suddenly had the wind taken out of his sails.

33:31 Adam Just we took it out. You're right. Don't worry.

33:33 Jay Mohr No, we broke him down. I've sort of realized there's a much different pacing to the show than I had anticipated.

33:42 Adam Jay.

33:42 Jay Mohr So I'm acclimating.

33:43 Adam Many guests come into this studio and try to be entertaining. It never works. You don't see us trying to be entertaining.

33:50 Jay Mohr If we were all just driving in the car having the same conversation, I would be, I'm a type A personality. I've been talking just as much and I'm a comedian, so I think funny things come out of my mouth.

33:59 Adam Right.

34:00 Jay Mohr So I don't want you guys to think I was like doing bits.

34:02 Adam No, no.

34:03 Jay Mohr I thought I would interject and like just have, I obviously, okay.

34:10 Adam No, you're right. No, this is the pace.

34:11 Jay Mohr You've taken me out of my game.

34:13 Adam This is the pace of the show. Let me, let me, let me, you love baseball, right? Here's the way baseball works. You take a few pitches and you swing at a few pitches. And if one is high or outside or in the dirt, you stand back. And if you throw us two in the dirt, you stand back. And then he puts one right down the pipeline. And you take a cut at it. This is the same thing. If someone calls or be molested or raped or something, you sit back for a little, really take a few, let Drew.

34:40 Jay Mohr Sit back. You guys bet that she had been raped by her brother.

34:47 Adam Yeah. No, you're right. Helene?

34:49 Caller Yes?

34:49 Jay Mohr This place is haunted.

34:50 Adam You're not into this. You're not into this guy.

34:52 Caller I am too.

34:53 Adam You're into him a little bit.

34:54 Jay Mohr Shut up.

34:55 Adam Not as much as he's into you.

34:56 Jay Mohr You're going to leave the country for two years. Why do you even have this conversation? Why would you even call a show when you know...

35:05 Adam And you're scared to death he's going to come with you. What kind of love is that?

35:09 Drew But...

35:11 Jay Mohr But what?

35:12 Drew You're full of this. It's fine that you feel that way.

35:14 Jay Mohr You're tired of chicks with that stupid drama. You're never happy unless you have drama.

35:17 Drew No, but it's fine that you feel this way, but you've got to be honest with yourself.

35:20 Caller I'm like 19 and he's like my first boyfriend.

35:23 Drew Right. And it's done.

35:25 Jay Mohr It's over.

35:26 Drew It's time to get on.

35:27 Jay Mohr And even if it's not over, you don't want to tie the knot and wrap it up and be a house frow after not going around and banging other guys and experimenting. Admit it.

35:35 Adam That's right.

35:36 Jay Mohr And just be honest. I mean, just end up with the drama. Just tell the guy.

35:38 Caller You're not going to have sex with anyone. That's not even...

35:40 Adam Not yet.

35:41 Jay Mohr You're not. You're in Australia for two years. You're not going to go out into the outback and have like some naked picnic with, you know, something's going to happen. It's two years. You'd fall on a penis in two years by accident.

35:51 Adam Look, here's what... Here's the difference between men and women. When guys leave, they're up front saying, I'm looking for new and bizarre puntaing to have fun with in another country. Women say nothing, but it probably happens on average faster for them than it does for the guys who announce they're going to a new land to conquer the vagina. They end up spending eight months before they get the first piece of tail and the chicks nail some guy in the airport. So just don't marry the guy. Fine. Tell him you're going to... If you want to do a compromise, don't get engaged. Go to Australia. He can't come with you and then we'll see what happens after that. Right.

36:33 Jay Mohr Tell him because I'm 19 and I want to see a little bit of the world and interpret that any way you wish, but I still love you and I'm leaving.

36:39 Drew And you should feel fine about that. It's good. You're 19. It's healthy.

36:43 Jay Mohr It's just trauma.

36:45 Adam Right. All right. We're all very upset. We're going to take ourselves a break. I'm going to eat some fiddle foul and we'll be back with Jay Mohr after this. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Drew. Jay Mohr is our guest tonight. Jay, you can find at the Irvine Improv this Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Nice long weekend for Jay Mohr at the Irvine Improv. You can get those tickets and make your reservations by calling 949. 854-5455. He's doing two shows a night on most of those nights. So go out and see Jay Mohr at the Irvine Improv. Let's power through some calls here. Chris?

37:35 Yes?

37:36 Adam You're 20?

37:37 Caller Yep, I am.

37:38 Adam What's up?

37:39 Caller Well, I got a little problem.

37:41 Adam All right.

37:41 Caller I hooked up with this girl and then while we were going out, I tried to talk her into having threesome with her twin sister because I found out they were twins and that's just, you know, me. Right. I actually wanted it.

37:52 Adam Right.

37:53 Caller And then after we broke up, I sort of ended up with her twin sister.

37:58 Adam Right.

37:59 Caller And she told that to her sister, if you get what I'm talking about here. So now they both know that I've been with both of them.

38:07 Adam Right.

38:08 Caller But I want the first girl that I've been with and I don't know how to get her back.

38:12 Adam What do you care? You got the twin.

38:15 Caller Because the twin is not as hot. She's vegan and like she's all skinny and but you don't care for either one to you.

38:22 Jay Mohr It's just like a trophy in the case that you get the twin.

38:25 Caller Well, I've already had the twins. I mean, the tru-

38:27 Drew Right.

38:27 Caller He's already in the case. Whatever.

38:29 Drew I don't believe this.

38:30 Jay Mohr I don't believe this.

38:31 Adam No, even if it's true, he just sounds like an idiot.

38:33 Jay Mohr I just don't know how anybody would get turned on by a girl sleeping with her sister.

38:36 Adam But here's the point, Chris. You're kind of a jackass and you'd like us to help you and we don't want to help you. See, we're not motivated. That's the problem. So whatever happens, happens. Good luck.

38:50 Drew It's bogus. This is how you tell a bogus call. Why are they calling? If you can't answer that question even, why the hell is he calling?

38:56 Adam That was an announcement to say I nailed two twins. Beth or one twins? You're 25. What's up?

39:04 Caller I'm 26.

39:06 Drew I was trying to help. I beg your pardon.

39:08 Adam Go ahead.

39:09 Caller Anyway, I live with my cousin and we've been roommates with another one of my friends for three years. And we all share the same computer at home at least.

39:20 Jay Mohr Play the taboo music. I feel this one coming.

39:23 Adam No, no. You found some like kiddie porn on the internet?

39:28 Caller Yeah.

39:29 Adam Right.

39:29 Drew There's a guy? It's a guy or a girl?

39:31 Caller My cousin is a guy and he's 30 years old. And...

39:36 Drew The question is should you report this really?

39:38 Caller Well, no, not kiddie. I mean, like, I was wanting to put in a site. I don't know. It was like a... I forget even the name of the site. It started with a B and a phone call came in. So I like let it go. And you know how it goes into the memory and pulls up the latest B site?

39:54 Adam Sure.

39:55 Caller So it came up as like Barely Legal or something.

39:58 Adam Yeah.

39:59 Caller And then I called him up and I was like, dude, what's up with you?

40:03 Adam Oh, good for you. What a nightmare. No, wait a minute.

40:05 Jay Mohr Barely Legal is a normal magazine. I mean, you have to be over 18 to be in that magazine. That's just like reading Penhouse.

40:12 Adam Right.

40:12 Caller But okay.

40:13 Caller So then he's like, well, I like that stuff. I was like, what do you mean you like that stuff? And I said, I can understand if you're into like breasts and other things. And he said, no, it's just my thing. And then I... You're fat. Okay. That was it.

40:30 Adam But now hold on, Beth. Like Barely Legal has like 19, 20-year-old chicks who look like they're 17 and 18. And Penhouse has 19, 20-year-old chicks who looks like they're 35, 40. You understand? But it's the same age. Everything's above board here.

40:46 Caller But he also admitted that like he's into like hairless and like teen stuff.

40:52 Drew How did that conversation go?

40:54 Adam That kind of conversation you had with your cousin. I see my cousin once a year. I can't remember his kid's name, you know?

41:00 Jay Mohr You can't remember his name.

41:01 Caller I live with him because I got in this case because I'm like, dude, you're an attractive guy. You've got everything going for you. For the past three years that I've lived with you, I've yet to see you have a girlfriend or even hook up.

41:12 Adam All right. So he's a screwed up guy. But here's the question. Why are you living with him? That's my question.

41:19 Caller Well, it was just like the location.

41:21 Jay Mohr Economics, my friend.

41:23 Caller Everything else, it worked out so that it was like.

41:26 Adam Well, the YMCA is even cheaper.

41:28 Jay Mohr I don't know why this bothers you. Because if it is in fact barely legal, that's the same as going to just buying a magazine.

41:37 Drew But no, he copped the fact that he's into prepubescent girls.

41:41 Jay Mohr No, she never said that.

41:42 Drew She said he said clean shaven and young teens.

41:46 Jay Mohr Right. That could be 19 and 18, which is legal. She didn't say young.

41:49 Caller Well, and I saw it as like pedophilia.

41:51 Jay Mohr She said the teen thing.

41:53 Caller And he's saying, no, this is normal. And most guys are into normal.

41:56 Jay Mohr Why did Britney Spears wear Catholic school uniforms? Because we all want to get a 15-year-old girl in bed. That's why it's against the law at 18, because we'd all be maniacs.

42:05 Caller And I'm concerned, because I have friends that are young.

42:08 Adam Who said that? I'm with him. Go ahead.

42:10 Caller And I have friends that are younger who have sisters and girlfriends that are in high school.

42:16 Adam And he doesn't touch them, right?

42:18 Caller Well, they come over.

42:19 Adam Yeah, but...

42:20 Jay Mohr What question are you answering? Well, I just asked you if he touched them, and you said they come over.

42:25 Adam I mean, look, Beth, let me just encapsulate this whole thing. You are disappointed in your loser cousin, right? And I'm sorry that you have a loser cousin. We all have a loser cousin. I have a cousin who lives in Simi Valley. Do you understand how ashamed we are of that?

42:42 Drew I'm so sorry.

42:43 Adam Here's the point. I don't live with the guy. You should not live with this guy. I know you're disappointed. He's a good looking guy. He should be better. He should be making more of his life. He should have done better in college. He should have, he should have, he should have. Fine. Don't live with him.

42:58 Caller Okay.

42:58 Adam You got to move out. I don't think he's a dangerous guy. He's a little bit screwed up, he's a little introverted.

43:04 Drew None of us get the sense that he's the guy you should be scared of.

43:07 Caller No, I'm not afraid of him.

43:08 Jay Mohr I have bought and masturbated to Barely Legal.

43:11 Caller Well, okay.

43:12 Caller How dare you?

43:13 Adam Hold on.

43:14 Jay Mohr Does that mean like my wife?

43:16 Adam Not in that order, by the way. He actually jacked off in the 7-Eleven and then purchased it out of guilt. That's what he told me off the end.

43:23 Jay Mohr I mean like so, but I personally am not into like clean shaven.

43:28 Drew Right.

43:28 Caller I mean everybody has their preferences, but I'm saying okay.

43:32 Adam Beth, you want to live with Jay Mohr?

43:34 Jay Mohr No, I'm just saying like you're telling the girl to like pick up.

43:37 Adam Rotisserie bodies.

43:37 Drew Things could be worse.

43:38 Jay Mohr You're saying like pick up the tent and move the circus across town when essentially what she's done is found like a playboy next to the guy's bed.

43:46 Caller No, but I mean okay, Dr. Drew, wouldn't you recommend that this is something that he should discuss with the psychologist?

43:51 Drew Well, if he really cannot find a relationship with a peer, if he had some sort of trauma at that age that sort of arrested him. I don't know. It sounds like he has other problems sort of functioning in life. Yeah, he should, but this is just one little symptom here you picked up on. I think Adam is right. He's got stuff and maybe it's not somebody went in your life right now. If he's not going to do something to change it, that's his issue. That's him.

44:15 Caller Yeah. Right.

44:17 Adam Beth, you make more money and just move out on your own. That's all. You can love him, you can care about him, but you can't live with him. He works at the Chuck E. Cheese.

44:28 Jay Mohr Oh, he's Jasper Jowls.

44:30 Adam Yeah. He's dressed up in a big rat outfit and wrestles with the kids in that big panda ball.

44:34 Jay Mohr No, Jasper Jowls is the hound dog in the band.

44:36 Adam Oh, really?

44:37 Jay Mohr Jasper Jowls.

44:38 Adam Well, you know a lot about Chuck E. Cheese. That's right.

44:40 Jay Mohr You think you're dealing with kids here, man?

44:41 Adam You know like the bit players from Chuck E.

44:44 Jay Mohr Cheese. No, he was right up front. There's only like five of them. And if you had Pete's in the showroom, every once in a while, the puppets would come alive and sing a song.

44:52 Adam Can you name all of the Country Bear Jamboree guys?

44:55 Jay Mohr Brothers? Oh, the Country Bear? I was thinking of Emin Otter's Jug Band Christmas, which is even more obscure. No, I don't know any of them.

45:02 Adam Who are the other members of the band in Chuck E. Cheese? Do you know?

45:07 Jay Mohr I have no idea.

45:08 Adam Just Jasper Chow's?

45:09 Jay Mohr No, there's like four of them. One's like a big pig woman.

45:12 Caller The other one's like...

45:13 Adam Which one of them plays the cider jug?

45:15 Drew No, no, no.

45:16 Jay Mohr That's Emin Otter's Jug Band Christmas.

45:18 Drew That's back to the Country Bear Jamboree.

45:19 Jay Mohr Did the acid just kick in in the studio?

45:22 Adam Yes, it did.

45:23 Jay Mohr This is our comedy.

45:24 Adam We all came on at the same time.

45:26 Jay Mohr Jasper Jowles was a showman, dude.

45:27 Drew They wanted to hear some quiz for Walking, one of the callers.

45:29 Adam Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Let's hear a little quiz for Walking.

45:31 Jay Mohr I used to work at a place called Chuck E. Cheese, and I'll tell you, Jasper Jowles, that's not his real name, it's Chris, but the kitchen, it's only big enough for one of us, so I said, oh, oh, you got to change that name to Jasper Jowles. Because you're a hound dog. And who's the big pig woman with the jug? Look, half pepperoni, half mushroom, and put this watch in your ass. Your father knew that was the only place the gooks would never check. Dysentery, diarrhea, nothing could deter your father to rip this watch from his ass and give this watch to you. I'm done.

46:22 Adam Jay Mohr, everybody.

46:26 Jay Mohr That's like the sound of a guy that like is drunk and tripped on stage and the crowd's like laughing at him. That's a very odd laugh.

46:34 Adam Anderson, come up with some more appropriate laugh track for Jay Mohr.

46:36 Jay Mohr No, no, I like it. Because it's definitely not like a guy told a joke and the place was like, wow, that's really funny laugh. Listen to it, it's a weird like we're laughing at you because you're so drunk and you tripped on stage laugh. Listen.

46:50 Adam Well, there was some applause.

46:52 Jay Mohr Yeah, but it's like, ah, he messed up his sentence.

46:55 Adam All right, Jay, I know you thought you were leaving after the first hour, but you have to stay one more break now, all right?

47:02 Drew You have to say goodbye.

47:03 Adam We got to say goodbye and we got to go to break. So you just stay. We'll plug the hell out of that Irvine gig, all right? Okay. Stay for one more break.

47:09 Drew Fifteen minutes.

47:10 Adam All right. We'll be back. Hey, everybody. Love Line. Jay Mohr is our guest tonight. You can find Jay down at the Irvine Improv this Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

47:21 Jay Mohr The Irvine Spectrum.

47:22 Adam Improv, which is not, that is not the Irvine Improv.

47:28 Jay Mohr Yeah.

47:28 Adam Or it is.

47:28 Jay Mohr But it's a big to-do down there. It's like an entire outdoor mall with like, it looks like the Hollywood Bowl. That is- Am I bleeding? Drew, you're a doctor.

47:38 Drew What happened to you?

47:38 Jay Mohr I shaved with my wife's razor out of necessity in a hotel room on the road.

47:43 Adam One of those like pink daisy ones?

47:45 Jay Mohr Yeah. And like, I guess she just shaved her legs or something with it. I don't know what happened.

47:50 Drew Oh yeah.

47:50 Jay Mohr That sounds like, it sounds like my wife has gross legs.

47:52 Drew No, no, no. My wife will occasionally get my razor and then I'll tear my face off. Something about shaving legs screws up.

47:58 Jay Mohr And I've never had acne like this ever in my life. Like, I'll always get like a couple and I always get them in the same place, but my chin just exploded because my wife has so many pimples on her legs.

48:07 Adam It's always weird when you get that zit in the place. You never get that zit.

48:11 Jay Mohr You ever get one in your ear and it kills?

48:13 Adam You go like, what's this doing? The great thing about the one in the ear is when it pops, it sounds like you blasted the thing off in a cave. I mean, you can hear it.

48:21 Jay Mohr I know the most painful zit in the world. It's the one right on the outside of your lip.

48:25 Adam Yeah, yeah.

48:25 Jay Mohr And it's always a white head that just won't go. And you pinch it and you're wincing in pain. It hurts so bad, but it kind of feels good at the same time.

48:32 Drew Adam had one.

48:33 Adam Yeah. Oh, that was a carbuncle.

48:35 Drew Oh, I'm sorry.

48:35 Adam That was near the anus. That was something we won't get into, but it's very, very painful.

48:40 Jay Mohr Next to the whale eye, huh?

48:41 Adam Very painful.

48:42 Jay Mohr Right down the whale eye. Oh, now Drew's laughing. Who woke you up, you freaking mummy? An hour and a half, I've been sitting here cracking jokes, and you've been staring at me like my dog when I run out of cheese. Now I say whale eye, and he's pounding the table.

48:54 Adam Drew, right down the whale eye.

48:56 Jay Mohr He should have just told me, Jay, I don't really do much until my second cup of coffee. And I would have just laid back in the cut, and then I just would have went bananas in the last segment.

49:05 Adam He likes the ass humor.

49:07 Jay Mohr He likes the starfish, the leather cheerio, the balloon knot, you're down with that?

49:13 Adam Balloon knot, write that down.

49:14 Drew Balloon knot?

49:15 Jay Mohr These are old, these are classics, gentlemen. I didn't make these up.

49:18 Adam No, I'm giving you full credit for it. Balloon knot.

49:20 Jay Mohr No, these are old. These are hacky old ones.

49:23 Adam Balloon knot.

49:25 Jay Mohr I'm on the airwaves for the record saying I did not write any of these.

49:27 Adam All right, well, still, you're still...

49:29 Jay Mohr These are all written by Kurt Cobain.

49:30 Adam It takes a certain amount of genius to repeat genius. Always remember that. Drew, write that down. I just thought of that.

49:37 Drew Genius to repeat.

49:38 Adam Right, that's Adam, that's Jay. Jay Mohr, going to be at the Irvine Spectrum improv.

49:43 Drew That's Adam?

49:44 Adam Yeah, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

49:45 Jay Mohr What's the score? It's like 6-1, right?

49:48 Drew Yeah, he's killing me.

49:49 Jay Mohr Drew, what do you have? Zero.

49:51 Adam Desiree?

49:52 Drew Thankfully.

49:52 Adam You're 27? What's up?

49:55 Caller My daughter, she refuses to sleep in her bedroom. She likes to come and sleep in my room.

50:04 Adam There we go. How old is she?

50:07 Caller He's 5.

50:08 Drew Every 5-year-old wants to do that. Really? Yeah. And your job as parent, as uncomfortable as that might be, is to give her the support she needs to individuate properly and begin developing the ability to sleep by herself in her own room. If you indulge this, you are not doing your parenting job.

50:27 Caller No, I'm not. When she was sick, I let her because I was worried about her.

50:31 Drew That's fine.

50:32 Adam Well, how do you not indulge it when the kid bangs on the door at four in the morning and says they had a bad dream?

50:36 Drew You go back in the room with them and you lie down for a while and you read a book or whatever.

50:39 Jay Mohr But that makes sense if the child was sick and found comfort in its mother's arms in the room.

50:43 Drew Of course you do that. But now the parent came.

50:45 Jay Mohr No, I'm agreeing with you also though. But I wanted to ask you, Drew, also on a side note, because I was with like eight kids this weekend on vacation and there was a lot of nephews and nieces. And when a kid is in the middle of the room crying just because they want attention, you always hate the parent that just picks them up immediately and you always say to yourself, just leave him there, let him cry.

51:03 Adam Right.

51:05 Jay Mohr I always thought that's how I would handle it.

51:07 Drew But it gets you as a parent. I mean, it makes you like, it's hard to do that.

51:13 Jay Mohr But is that the right way to handle it?

51:14 Drew Well, you want to be tuned in. You want to try to attune to what's going on. If the child is just trying to press boundaries, no, you hold firm. That's it. No. But what you don't do, let me tell you something, what you don't do is abandon them and leave them on a floor crying. You stay present and let them go through whatever conniption fits they have to go through and you just be with them while they do that.

51:34 Jay Mohr That's a big point right there.

51:36 Adam Desiree, go ahead.

51:37 Caller I put her in a room and she has a nightlight and everything. I mean, she has everything a little girl could want in her bedroom. But still, I mean, even when I carry her to her room in the middle of the night, she like, no, maybe an hour, hour and a half later, she's back in my room. Mommy, I want to sleep with you.

51:55 Drew And you have to keep doing that tough work.

51:57 Jay Mohr Have you ever asked her why? I mean, at five years old, I don't know the kind of conversation you're going to get, but did you ever ask her just as if, what are you afraid of? Yeah. Why, why is this happening?

52:06 Caller No, well, she just, she just like, she feels more comfortable with me. I mean, I, yeah, I, you know, I kind of did that when I was but I remember when I was her age sleeping in my own bed. But she does this when she visits her dad as well.

52:21 Adam Right. What, what about, I know this sounds crazy. Lonely kid. You know those doggy beds they put at the foot of your bed? What about a little kitty bed like that? Something with some cedar in it or something. I don't know, kids get fleas. Cedar. But the point is, hickory, just like a big pillow or something that can lie down on in bed with you so you can masturbate and roll around and do whatever you got to do. I bet the kid will get tired of it when it go back to its own room.

52:46 Drew Like with every parenting job, it's much easier to capitulate. Just go ahead, come on, get in bed with me. Of course, getting up four times a night, and you have to do this for weeks, and getting them back in there and going through the work and being with them and helping them deal with it. That's tough work. It's much easier to go and more gratifying even. Just say, come in bed. It feels good to you. That's not your job. You're not, your job is not to do things that feel good to you.

53:08 Adam True.

53:09 Jay Mohr What if she was more passive aggressive than that and dug like a tiger pit on her side of the door on the floor and the kid would fall in. And be mauled by tigers. Or, you know, and but she could also rescue the child and say, I don't know what happened, but there's a tiger pit in here now.

53:24 Adam Is this crazy, but the kid misses you.

53:26 Jay Mohr Cedar bed, big laps, tiger pit.

53:28 Adam I mean, nothing. No, that's funny. That's funny.

53:31 Jay Mohr Whale-eye.

53:32 Adam He was riding at that. Whale-eye. Right down that Burmese tiger pit.

53:36 Jay Mohr No, no, don't add Burmese, because then Barely Legal is going to come up when we turn the computer back on because of the bee.

53:43 Adam What about this? The kid is in his room and when you shut the door, you're sort of out of sight, out of mind. I mean, they think you're gone. Yes. What about, I know this sounds crazy and narcissistic. I would, I'm going to put my kid's bedroom, a big picture of me. Like a suit of armor on a horse, it's rearing back on its hind legs and I'm holding a sword over my head. Something that looks sort of proud, honorable and a little menacing and sort of protective. Put that right over the bed. But what about a picture of you in the kid's room? What about like a big headshot? Might that work?

54:17 Drew Well, those kinds of things help kids. Whatever helps the kid, a blanket.

54:21 Adam I know it sounds crazy, but nobody has pictures of themselves in the kid's room. What about a picture of mommy and daddy? Like a big picture on the wall? Kid wakes up scared, he sees mommy and daddy and goes back to bed?

54:31 Jay Mohr Just show your kid a reel of the man show.

54:33 Adam How about drugging the kid? No.

54:35 Drew I'm sure I've been trying.

54:37 Adam Show the kid the reel. Shannon? Yeah, here's where I did those phone commercials, Junior. See that? Yeah, that paid for the crib. Quit crying. Shannon? You're 19?

54:49 Caller Yes.

54:49 Adam What's up?

54:51 Caller Hi. Well, I have a very irregular period.

54:58 Caller Okay.

54:59 Caller Like, I'll have it... Well, I had it last month, and I'm having it this much with, which is really, really weird for me, because I usually have it, like, every four months, which I don't think that's normal. And I was wondering if that... Because my roommate told me that she heard that it might be cancerous.

55:17 Drew No, please.

55:18 Adam That's a... She's a keeper, this one.

55:20 Drew Have you always had irregular periods?

55:22 Jay Mohr Who's your roommate, Albert Brooks?

55:23 Caller Huh?

55:24 Jay Mohr That means cancer, when you... Four months is cancer.

55:27 Caller Well, she read it somewhere in, like, a magazine or something.

55:30 Drew Look, there are hundreds of different causes for irregular periods.

55:33 Adam You on the pill?

55:34 Caller No.

55:35 Drew Are you taking any medications?

55:36 Caller No.

55:37 Drew Okay. But you've always had irregular periods.

55:39 Jay Mohr Do you live near the ocean?

55:41 Caller Yes.

55:42 Jay Mohr Is it the tides?

55:43 Drew Let me get this clear. You have always had irregular periods since you started having them?

55:47 Jay Mohr Yeah.

55:47 Caller I was wondering if it's genetic or it has to do with my weight or...

55:50 Drew People who are overweight typically have abnormal periods. People who are underweight will have abnormal periods.

55:54 Caller Well, I don't know if I'm... I'm 120 and I'm 5'8.

55:58 Drew So you're kind of underweight. Do you exercise a lot?

56:01 Caller Not recently. I used to do ballet.

56:04 Adam Eating disorder?

56:06 Caller Nope.

56:06 Caller I love eating.

56:08 Caller All right.

56:10 Adam Right? Is that the bomb?

56:12 Caller No, I don't do that.

56:13 Drew But Chana, it could be ovarian cysts, it could be polycystic ovarian syndrome, it could be endometriosis. It could be just something called hypothalamic pituitary axis dysfunction, which just means your cycling is just not normal. It needs evaluation. It's very common. It's not a big deal, but it should be checked into.

56:30 Jay Mohr Isn't that why a lot of people go on the pill, actually? To regulate the period.

56:33 Drew Absolutely.

56:34 Caller Well, my mom did that when she was my age because I guess it happened to her too and it made her really sick.

56:38 Adam All right.

56:38 Drew Well, you'll figure this out. You go to the Student Health Center, all right?

56:41 Caller Okay.

56:41 Adam All right. Good times with that period, right?

56:44 Jay Mohr Hey, bring it down to the improv in Irvine.

56:46 Drew She's in Washington, DC.

56:47 Adam Well, fly on out.

56:48 Jay Mohr Yeah, fly on out with your regular self. It's a regular period night.

56:52 Caller Nikki?

56:53 Caller Hello?

56:54 Adam Yeah, if you can produce a soil tampon, we'll give you a half off your first drink order. Nikki? You're 15?

57:02 Caller Yes.

57:03 Adam What's up?

57:04 Caller All right. Hi.

57:06 Adam Hi.

57:07 Caller Okay. Okay.

57:07 Caller Listen. Okay. I got a question for you. All right. What's up with the whole thing, you know, about the whole sex before marriage thing going on, you know?

57:18 Adam Well, it's a new trend that started about 5,000 years ago with people, humping people they weren't married to. Is that what you're interested in knowing?

57:28 Caller Well, the thing is, it's just like, I'm kind of like, okay, before I was a Christian, I used to be like, you know, one of those, what I would call, hormonal queens.

57:39 Jay Mohr Okay. You're interpreting the Bible literally?

57:42 Caller Yes.

57:42 Jay Mohr Yeah. So that would mean that Lot committed incest with both his daughters when they fled Sodom and Gomorrah after his wife turned to salt. So you might want to not interpret the Bible literally and find someone that's going to make you shake like a car on bad gas. And if you look at Genesis, Lot had sex with both of his daughters to populate, I think it was the Moab's. So if you're going to interpret the Bible literally, you're going to interpret it all literally. Therefore, there's some pretty creepy stories. So pick and choose what you think is good and bad and I suggest you go out and get laid.

58:14 Drew Really?

58:15 Jay Mohr Yeah. And don't let your Bible dictate your sex as a primal urge.

58:20 Adam Very, very well said.

58:22 Jay Mohr As soon as she said Christian, it's chilling up my spine.

58:24 Drew But listen, but abstinence is a good thing. Speaking of something like 15.

58:28 Jay Mohr Right, but she's not talking about this for the sake of abstinence. She's talking... She mentioned Christian because that's obviously her platform is that as a Christian, she doesn't believe in premarital sex and she doesn't understand how it could even be a part of this hedonistic society. I think it was more where she was coming from.

58:44 Caller Well, can I give you an example of what I think about it?

58:46 Caller Sure, go ahead.

58:48 Caller Thank you.

58:49 Caller Well, the way I see it, I mean, I look at... It's like you look at four people first. I mean, what I look at is like I look at God and like the whole thing with him telling you no, come on, save it, I'm there. Right, right.

59:01 Jay Mohr God never said that.

59:02 Caller No, I know you're laughing because you're probably thinking I'm stupid.

59:05 Jay Mohr No, I just... God, that's... Your facts are incorrect. God never said that.

59:10 Adam Well, for the sake of argument, let's say God said no to premarital sex.

59:14 Caller Well, it says it straight in the Bible.

59:16 Caller All right, so keep going.

59:18 Jay Mohr It also says you're not allowed to talk in church without the permission of your father. That includes singing in a choir or teaching Sunday school. Do you go to church? Do you ever speak or sing in church?

59:27 Caller Well, like, okay...

59:27 Jay Mohr Yes or no? You're breaking the...

59:29 Caller Yeah, I go to church religiously.

59:31 Adam Jesus, Jay's the Bible... Jesus Christ. Jay's the Bible answer man over here.

59:37 Jay Mohr Well, I mean, if you just... I just... When people interpret the Bible, like, John Shelby Spong, I don't know if you've ever heard of him. He has a great book out called Rescuing the Scriptures from Fundamentalism. That's all... He was the first guy to, like, gays and lesbians worship in his church. He was an archbishop of the Episcopalian Church in Norfolk. And they tried to defrock him. And he basically told a bunch of cardinals, I'm the only one acting Christ-like because I'm allowing people to worship Christ in my church.

1:00:00 Adam Right.

1:00:00 Jay Mohr And they just wrote books about, you know, that's basically where everything I'm spouting is taken from his book.

1:00:06 Adam I think we can all pretty much agree that the people that are sort of literalist with the Bible are not approaching it the right way.

1:00:13 Drew Well, there's this anti-rationalist trend in our world right now, which is like, yes, I understand that you guys understand how the cell system works and what biology is, but screw that. Don't you believe in miracles?

1:00:24 Jay Mohr I have a perfect point.

1:00:25 Adam Whoa.

1:00:26 Jay Mohr What's the first command? What's this girl's name? I'm sorry, I don't have the computer.

1:00:29 Drew Nicky.

1:00:29 Jay Mohr Nicky, what's the first commandment?

1:00:31 Caller The first commandment? Yeah. I think it's the whole...

1:00:35 Jay Mohr Isn't it thou shalt not kill?

1:00:36 Drew Yes, I believe so.

1:00:37 Jay Mohr Okay. She's a good Christian. Well, I want to ask you a question. Who parted the Red Sea? Who parted the Red Sea?

1:00:45 Adam Moses.

1:00:45 Jay Mohr What happened when he un-parted the Red Sea?

1:00:48 Adam By the way, that was Chuck Heston. I'm sorry to correct you.

1:00:51 Jay Mohr What happened when he un-parted the Red Sea?

1:00:53 Adam Well...

1:00:54 Jay Mohr Hundreds of thousands of Egyptians drowned and died. Moses in the Bible murdered an Arab because he whipped a Jew. That's in the Bible, too.

1:01:06 Caller Oh.

1:01:07 Jay Mohr So I don't even think you've read the Bible.

1:01:09 Caller Well, the thing is, it's like I basically, you know, I go on the New Testament.

1:01:13 Adam Fine. Listen, Nicky...

1:01:15 Jay Mohr I don't think you've read a page of the Bible.

1:01:16 Adam Here's the question. Why are you so into this? Why have you made it such a big part of your life?

1:01:22 Caller Well, I'll be okay. Well, number one, I mean, there's, I mean, God has just worked in many ways. Because like when I was younger, I was diagnosed with a really bad disease called osteomyelitis.

1:01:36 Drew That's just a bone infection. That's quite treatable, Nicky.

1:01:39 Caller Yeah. But you want to know something? They said it was like a fluke and it was like, you know, not good.

1:01:44 Drew It's not good, but it's quite curable.

1:01:46 Adam Well, who cured you?

1:01:49 Caller I believe it was like God.

1:01:52 Adam True hates this because he gets no credit as a doctor.

1:01:54 Jay Mohr It wasn't the erythromycin to treat the infection.

1:01:56 Drew Actually, it would be the vancomycin.

1:01:58 Jay Mohr I was in the mycin family. That's right.

1:02:01 Drew Good.

1:02:01 Jay Mohr I mean, where's the freaking respect?

1:02:03 Adam Hey, I'm impressed.

1:02:05 Jay Mohr Oh, man.

1:02:06 Adam Right, myosin. Right, right. More myosin. Just put him in there.

1:02:09 Jay Mohr I was in the family. I'm not a certified doctor. I'm just a hypochondriac. I hope so, because if not, I'm dying.

1:02:15 Adam Look, hold on, Nicky.

1:02:16 Jay Mohr Also very funny.

1:02:17 Adam Look, I don't know. Go ahead.

1:02:19 Drew Nicky is a very likable girl.

1:02:20 Adam Yes, everything's great.

1:02:21 Drew She's thinking a lot. Let her keep struggling.

1:02:23 Adam Stick with Jesus. Keep those legs together.

1:02:26 Caller I have a question, too. All right.

1:02:28 Caller OK.

1:02:30 Caller I mean, I want to give myself away to my husband. Good.

1:02:34 Drew Excellent.

1:02:35 Caller I mean, that's like the number one thing to me.

1:02:37 Drew Excellent.

1:02:38 Caller OK. Like when I was like nine, I kind of like, you know, lost my hymen by, you know, with the hole. OK. Like I was on like a slide and it was just like, you know, I act I did this whole stupid thing where I thought I was skiing and then like, you know, I started going down. I fell really hard. And then like I noticed that I was bleeding a lot. And I asked my mom, I'm like, what is this? And she said, oh, it's probably your period. And she explained the whole, you know, thing because she was getting into medical technology.

1:03:10 Caller So, okay.

1:03:11 Adam So you lost your hymen on the slide.

1:03:14 Caller And like, I'm afraid that like, if like I have had sex with my husband, that he'll know that like, no, you get a note from the park director and your doctor.

1:03:25 Jay Mohr Get a note from the slide.

1:03:26 Adam My sister did that.

1:03:27 Drew Most women by the time they're 19 don't have a hymen, whether they've had sex or not. Right.

1:03:32 Adam So he's not going to know. He'll trust you. He'll take your word for it. And it'll be fine. All right.

1:03:37 Jay Mohr You wouldn't marry anyone that would disrespect you and think that wouldn't believe your word anyway.

1:03:43 Adam Liar! Liar!

1:03:44 Jay Mohr That's why you're saving yourself for that special person. So I wouldn't even worry about it. I would just go on being yourself, baby, and read your Bible and keep reading it and reading it over and over.

1:03:53 Adam You can tell him you lost it masturbating with a cross. That's what the...

1:03:57 Drew When you were possessed by the devil.

1:03:58 Adam Unacceptable. Danielle?

1:04:01 Caller Yeah.

1:04:02 Adam You're 16?

1:04:03 Caller Yeah, I'm turning 17.

1:04:05 Adam Don't bring up Jesus or the Bible in front of Jay. He really goes off. Okay.

1:04:09 Drew Go ahead. I'm very entertained though.

1:04:11 Adam Yeah.

1:04:11 Jay Mohr But the girl didn't know the first commandment. She's talking about Jesus tells her to keep her legs together.

1:04:15 Drew What was the guy's... The book again?

1:04:17 Jay Mohr The book? Oh, it's Spong, S-P-O-N-G. He's got many. Saving the scriptures from the... Rescuing the scriptures from fundamentalism. That's actually how he became Bible-read because in every thing, like a lot, having sex with his daughters, you're like, that's disgusting. There's no way. And then he actually puts in parentheses the book and the chapters. So you look it up and you can be appalled yourself.

1:04:36 Adam Daniel?

1:04:36 Caller Yeah.

1:04:37 Adam What's up, baby?

1:04:38 Caller OK. Well, my boyfriend and I are sexually active and, well, you see his penis is very curved to the left and it really hurts when we have intercourse. And I was just wondering if this could be like fixed by some surgery or if I could like change my position so it didn't hurt so much.

1:04:58 Drew Well, you can certainly be in control of the position. But sometimes this is like a Peyronius type syndrome, the curvature, and 800 units of vitamin E a day sometimes helps that. So get them on some vitamin E.

1:05:10 Adam It's going to help, but it's not going to. It's still going to look like Mulholland.

1:05:13 Drew Yeah. So going to be, you know, Lombardi Street.

1:05:16 Adam But it's not Lombardi Street, is it?

1:05:19 Drew Lombard?

1:05:19 Adam Lombard, yeah. Lombardi Street.

1:05:22 Caller You idiot.

1:05:24 Adam It would be Bill Wall Street if it was anything.

1:05:27 Caller So just vitamin E.

1:05:29 Drew Yeah. And there are operations that can correct it if it gets really bad. But unfortunately, the operation, they have to take out sort of a pie size from the other side and then straighten it back out and it ends up shortening the penis.

1:05:39 Jay Mohr Why don't you just tilt your vagina? Help the guy out a little. Maybe do it on an angle from around the corner or something.

1:05:46 Adam Is there a position that's good for the vagina? Irvine Improv.

1:05:51 Jay Mohr Thursday, Friday, two shows. Saturday, two shows. Sunday, two shows.

1:05:55 Drew You're the guy that understands tools. Just think about it for a second.

1:05:57 Adam Well, I mean, the penis curves to the left, right? Now, if the penis curved up toward the guy's stomach, it would probably fit her a little better, right?

1:06:05 Drew No, her direction is actually down.

1:06:07 Adam Her direction is the other way. So what if she went to the left too and put her ass toward Mecca or something?

1:06:12 Drew There you go, yeah, yeah. See?

1:06:13 Adam Yeah, I don't know. Danielle?

1:06:15 Caller Yeah.

1:06:16 Adam This is going to be something you're going to have to work on.

1:06:18 Drew Is this your first sexual partner?

1:06:20 Caller Yes.

1:06:21 Drew It may not be his curve that's hurting you. Oh. Have you had a pelvic exam?

1:06:26 Caller No.

1:06:27 Drew Go get a pelvic exam. Those curves normally don't hurt that much.

1:06:30 Jay Mohr Who do you go to for a pelvic exam?

1:06:33 Adam Any doctor. What if she got a vibrator with some English on it or something to practice on that wouldn't help?

1:06:41 Drew Go get the exam because I think something else is causing the pain. Really?

1:06:44 Adam Yeah.

1:06:45 Caller Are you sure?

1:06:46 Drew I'm not sure but I think you got to get checked out. You're sexually active. You should be having regular pelvic exams anyway.

1:06:50 Adam I'll stake my reputation on it.

1:06:52 Jay Mohr What is a pelvic exam? I mean obviously they exam your pelvis but what are they looking for? To see if it's shaped correctly or see if there's anything on it that's causing your pain? I don't know. I'm speaking out of ignorance.

1:07:01 Drew I can't believe you don't know. That's amazing. You can quote the Bible line in verse.

1:07:05 Adam Jay doesn't have a vagina so he doesn't care.

1:07:07 Jay Mohr Thank you Adam.

1:07:08 Drew He doesn't?

1:07:09 Adam He was born with one but that's different.

1:07:12 Jay Mohr Yeah.

1:07:12 Drew He's had an altar.

1:07:13 Jay Mohr Me and Jamie Lee Curtis had a Len Leach program.

1:07:16 Drew You insert a thing that looks like a long duck bill and open and you look in at the cervix and the vaginal wall and then you reach in with your hand and you actually, one hand on top of you, feel the uterus, feel the tubes, feel the ovary and you look for abnormalities an anasomic abnormality.

1:07:31 Jay Mohr So it would be a gynecologist?

1:07:33 Drew Any doctor could do that though. Any family doctor, internist.

1:07:36 Jay Mohr You're going to let a family doctor put you in stirrups and use a duck bill like thing to look inside your vagina?

1:07:40 Drew That's routine doctor training. You do hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of those.

1:07:46 Jay Mohr So what type of abnormalities would you be looking for that would cause you pain?

1:07:50 Drew Inclusion cysts, ovarian cysts, infection of the tubes, endometriosis, cervicitis. There's lots and lots of things you can do.

1:07:57 Jay Mohr Wouldn't one of those things give her a fever also?

1:07:59 Drew No, no, nothing.

1:08:00 Jay Mohr Really?

1:08:00 Drew Just pain maybe.

1:08:02 Jay Mohr I'm asking you because I know nothing about having a vagina.

1:08:05 Drew I can see that.

1:08:06 Jay Mohr I know I enjoy them.

1:08:07 Adam Tell them about the thing.

1:08:08 Jay Mohr I like my wife's vagina. I like it a lot.

1:08:11 Adam Amen to that, brother.

1:08:12 Jay Mohr Excuse me. You like it too? I know you're always on the street. You're always on my street.

1:08:18 Adam I am always driving up and down Jay's street, but I never see him.

1:08:22 Jay Mohr His wife.

1:08:22 Adam I never see him over there. All right. Jay Mohr is going to go home and get some rest because he's got to get up very early to do Kevin Bean, the mother station out here in K-Rock's Morning Show. I want to thank him for coming out and give him a plug one more time, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at the Irvine Improv at the Irvine Spectrum.

1:08:44 Jay Mohr Can I give a tip? If you don't make reservations, you won't get tickets. And a lot of people, I'm being serious, a lot of people do walk up on an off night, like a Thursday or Sunday, and there's a lot of turn away and I always feel bad and they go, come on, man, give us a seat. But there's like literally nowhere for them to sit.

1:09:02 Adam Do you work in the doors well or where are you?

1:09:06 Jay Mohr I'm always out like talking.

1:09:07 Adam But aren't you doing coke in your limo at that point?

1:09:09 Jay Mohr Yeah, but after, you know, when you're waiting for your freeze, you go out and you talk to the people.

1:09:15 Adam You'll hear such classics as the Listering Tub Bit and the Whale Eye. Whale Eye.

1:09:23 Jay Mohr Yeah, you'll hear Whale Eye. Starfish.

1:09:25 Adam Balloon Nut, Starfish, and many, many others.

1:09:28 Jay Mohr Musty Trombones. I think it was Drew's favorite. Right. All right.

1:09:31 Drew Made the uniform.

1:09:32 Adam Jay Mohr, everybody. Irvine Improv this weekend.

1:09:36 Jay Mohr John Shelby Spong will be with me. The Archbishop of the Episcopalian Church of North New Jersey, ladies and gentlemen.

1:09:42 Adam He's going to open. We'll take a little break.

1:09:44 Jay Mohr Thanks, guys, for having me.

1:09:45 Adam Thank you.

1:09:45 Caller We'll be back.

1:09:48 Caller Hello. This is Loveline.

1:09:58 Drew Here we go.

1:10:01 Caller Hey, it's Loveline.

1:10:03 Adam Are we on, Anderson?

1:10:04 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:10:06 Jay Mohr Smells like skunk vomit. Smells like, oh, I forgot. Smells like sizzling and hot garbage.

1:10:12 Adam Jay, you got to stay another break now. Yeah. Just leave it.

1:10:15 Caller You're in.

1:10:17 Adam Jay, one more break. Come on, buddy.

1:10:18 Jay Mohr I'm driving you crazy. If I believed you, I'd stay.

1:10:21 Adam Jay Mohr, everybody.

1:10:23 Jay Mohr Bye, Jay.

1:10:23 Adam Thank you. Irvine Improv coming up this week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Boy, Jay got going with Drew here during the break about the Bible and look out. Let's talk to Joe, who's 23. Joe.

1:10:42 Caller Hey, how's it going?

1:10:43 Adam Good. How are you doing?

1:10:45 Caller Well, this question is for Dr. Drew.

1:10:46 Drew Yeah.

1:10:48 Caller Dr. Drew.

1:10:49 Drew Dr. Drew?

1:10:50 Caller Yeah. Hey, I have a question.

1:10:52 Caller I read in an article-

1:10:53 Adam The first yeah wasn't good enough.

1:10:55 Caller Oh, I'm going to cell phone it. It sounds like s*** though.

1:10:59 Drew Hold on.

1:11:02 Adam I don't know. He had to use the S word, screwball.

1:11:06 Drew Let's get him back.

1:11:07 Caller I know.

1:11:07 Adam But Drew, is using the S word on a national radio show, isn't that a little passive aggressive?

1:11:16 Drew It is, except it's a testament to how comfortable you make people feel. They feel like they're just talking to their buddies.

1:11:22 Caller Hold on.

1:11:23 Caller Make them run up some minutes, go to somebody else.

1:11:25 Adam All right, Anderson.

1:11:26 Drew Anderson thinks they need to be punished.

1:11:28 Adam Sarah?

1:11:29 Caller Yeah.

1:11:29 Adam You're 17?

1:11:30 Caller Yep.

1:11:31 Caller What's up?

1:11:32 Caller I have a severe male trust issue.

1:11:35 Adam All right. When did daddy leave?

1:11:38 Caller When I was five, but I was kind of happy.

1:11:40 Drew Why?

1:11:41 Caller Because my dad is an alcoholic and a dope user and stuff.

1:11:45 Adam All right.

1:11:46 Drew So, understandably, you never made any kind of trusting connection with a male.

1:11:49 Caller Not with my dad.

1:11:50 Drew Well, that's the paradigm, right?

1:11:53 Caller Yeah. Well, yeah. And I was also molested when I was five, too.

1:11:57 Drew By him?

1:11:58 Caller No, by somebody else.

1:12:00 Adam Who did that?

1:12:01 Caller I have no clue who he was.

1:12:02 Drew Neighbor, friend of your mom's, dad's?

1:12:04 Caller It was like somebody who lived in our, like, complex.

1:12:07 Drew Okay.

1:12:07 Caller We were in a trailer home.

1:12:08 Drew All right.

1:12:09 Caller Yeah. And it's like to the point of, like, I can't, I won't go out with any guys unless it's, like, over the phone. Um, I don't trust anybody and, like, the...

1:12:20 Adam What do you mean, unless it's over the phone?

1:12:22 Caller It's like, I don't trust guys unless it's, like, I talk to them over the phone where I keep them at a safe distance.

1:12:27 Adam All right. Okay. Well, the good news is you haven't gotten pregnant yet, right?

1:12:32 Caller No, I'm a virgin.

1:12:33 Adam Good. Excellent. This is paying dividends.

1:12:36 Caller Huh?

1:12:36 Adam I mean, you could have gone the other way, where you had to be the male pleaser. And you could have had 15 boyfriends by now and been pregnant three times.

1:12:44 Drew The problem is, after that kind of a past, you can have sort of a, what would be called a post-traumatic stress disorder, where you're sort of hypervigilant, hyperalert, and very easily freaked out and have even flashbacks and anxiety attacks, that kind of thing, get depressed easily. Is that you?

1:12:59 Caller Yeah.

1:13:00 Drew And that needs to be treated, Sarah.

1:13:01 Adam And here, here.

1:13:02 Caller I have, I take medication for depression.

1:13:04 Drew What do you take? What do you take?

1:13:07 Caller I take Prozac.

1:13:09 Adam All right.

1:13:09 Drew You sing a psychiatrist?

1:13:12 Caller We had to get rid of my other ones, but we're looking for another one.

1:13:15 Drew All right. Well, that's what you need to be doing. And hopefully, in that work and with the medication to help treat the post-traumatic stress, you will slowly make good choices with guys you choose to trust and then be able to begin developing trusting relationships.

1:13:27 Adam Here's the deal, Sarah. Here's what you got to work on. It's not that there's not a lot of good guys out there who would love you and be very good for you.

1:13:35 Drew Oh, I know. So you won't pick them?

1:13:37 Adam You're not going to pick them. And that's the part you should be scared of. And I'm going to go nuts if this mic keeps cutting out.

1:13:44 Drew Okay.

1:13:45 Adam All right. So listen, you're fine. You're a virgin. You're taking your medication. You know what your problem is. You got your work cut out for you, but you're taking it on. And this will work out. Don't freak out in the meantime.

1:13:57 Drew Okay.

1:13:58 Adam You're perfectly fine. You got plenty of time.

1:14:01 Drew And still free of it.

1:14:02 Adam And the good news is, is you're not getting any kind of... You're not getting crabs. You're not getting herpes. You're not getting pregnant. You're not getting your heart broken in the meantime. Yeah. So you're avoiding whatever this is that's keeping you away from guys. And we know what it is. It's also keeping you out of trouble in the sense too. Drew's hanging on to my mic cord over there. So there's no problems. Anderson, what are you going to do? Disconnect it?

1:14:28 Caller Oh.

1:14:29 Adam Hey, that's better.

1:14:31 Drew No, it's not on.

1:14:35 Adam Hey Anderson.

1:14:36 Drew There we go.

1:14:36 Adam Anderson, why don't we have the discussion about what you're going to do before you do it?

1:14:40 Drew He's trying to slip it in, quietly.

1:14:42 Adam Yeah.

1:14:42 Drew You're supposed to let him do his thing, you know, help him do his thing without anyone realizing it, see?

1:14:47 Adam I see.

1:14:48 Drew You're supposed to go on, Hey Anderson, what the F are you doing? Hey, what's going on here? Hey, cut it out.

1:14:52 Adam Well, he pulls.

1:14:52 Drew You're supposed to just go on, what's our next call? Quiet. Let him pull the thing out. Switch it.

1:14:57 Adam Why don't you start talking, you jackass?

1:14:59 Drew I would have been if you hadn't been standing there going, Hey, what the, what the, hey, Anderson, cut it out. Here we go. Next call. Oh, now you are going to be quiet.

1:15:06 Adam Just between you two idiots, it's really painful.

1:15:11 Drew Mario. Thank you, Drew. Mario.

1:15:12 Adam Jesus Christ. Well, Drew, why didn't you, you didn't say a word the whole time?

1:15:16 Drew Because you were busy yelling at Anderson.

1:15:18 Adam Why didn't you take the next call and push the thing and do what you just did and start talking and let Anderson swap it out?

1:15:25 Drew Because you continued talking so much, even when the mic was unplugged, you were still talking. Okay. Uh-oh. There we go. It's happening again.

1:15:33 Adam You could have spoke at some point.

1:15:35 Drew All right, Mario, what's up?

1:15:36 Adam Idiot.

1:15:37 Caller What's going on, guys? Hey. I have a potential weight problem that I'm pretty concerned about. I'm 18 years old. I'm about 5'7, 3'4, 5'8, and I weigh between 115 and 125 pounds. And as of recently, I've been going on 3'4 months, trying to eat food and pack on the pounds and look for calories and fattening foods and things of that nature. But it seems like, you know, when I eat, I can't eat that much. You know, I can't eat a large quantity of food. And, you know, sometimes I'll eat a lot.

1:16:20 Drew But so you don't have any disorder. You just don't eat a lot, right?

1:16:23 Caller Yeah.

1:16:23 Drew It's just you.

1:16:24 Caller I have a problem. It's, you know, I'm only one between 115, 125 pounds. You know, sometimes I'll, you know.

1:16:33 Drew If you want to gain weight, here's a gain weight.

1:16:35 Caller Yeah.

1:16:35 Drew But you know, you should be, if you'll gain weight, if this is literally what you do, eat till you're nauseated all the time. Don't stop eating till you're nauseated.

1:16:43 Caller That's the problem. I can't do it. It's like, you know, I get up in the morning, eight or nine o'clock. I rarely eat breakfast. You know, going on through the day, I'll eat, you know, maybe a bag of chips.

1:16:52 Drew Why can't you eat? Why can't you eat?

1:16:54 Caller I don't know.

1:16:55 Drew Well, just, do you want to gain the weight or don't you?

1:16:57 Caller I do.

1:16:58 Drew Then eat.

1:16:59 Caller I've been trying, you know, taking weight gains and things.

1:17:01 Drew Then just do it. Just do it like you take medicine. Do it regularly.

1:17:04 Adam Well, let me ask, well, jeez, I hate these guys with these frowns because I would like to be, hook myself up to an intravenous shake when I sleep at night. I actually tried it. It's just I roll around too much and I pull the thing out of my vein. Mario, is there anything you like to eat? What's your favorite food?

1:17:25 Caller Pizza. I eat quite a lot of that.

1:17:28 Adam You like pizza?

1:17:29 Caller Yeah.

1:17:29 Adam What's your favorite thing that you might eat for breakfast in the morning?

1:17:33 Caller Well, like I said, I rarely eat breakfast. So, I do eat breakfast.

1:17:37 Adam I understand that part, but...

1:17:38 Caller Yeah, you know, cereal, bacon, eggs, you know, safe sausage, things like that.

1:17:44 Adam Okay. Do you have a...

1:17:46 Caller I'm nervous.

1:17:47 Adam That's all right. You have a favorite cereal?

1:17:50 Caller Corn pops.

1:17:51 Adam All right.

1:17:51 Caller Put a lot of sugar on it.

1:17:52 Adam Corn pops? That's just a bunch of air.

1:17:54 Drew Eat a bit of sugar, a lot of sugar.

1:17:56 Adam Okay. Well, why don't you make sure you... Here's what Drew is saying. Yeah. You have a little problem. You're going to have to overcome that little problem. And that doesn't mean, well, I don't feel like this or I don't feel like that, so I'm not going to do it. No, you got a little problem and you have to take care of it. So you don't leave the house until you have your bowl of corn pops.

1:18:15 Drew Just the way you work out, you do this.

1:18:17 Caller Yeah, but it feels like, you know, sometimes I'll start to eat and I'll try to eat and keep on eating until I, you know, feel nauseous or something like that. And, you know, you know, it feels like it feels like I'm, you know, going to throw up pretty soon. I'll eat like a little bit of food and then, you know, it feels like I have to throw it back up.

1:18:34 Adam Do you smoke weed?

1:18:36 Caller No drugs.

1:18:37 Adam Now you got to start smoking weed.

1:18:38 Caller Alcohol sometimes.

1:18:40 Adam No, that's no good. You need weed. That'll do it. You should see my buddy Jimmy. He smokes weed. He takes the Cool Whip Spray Bottle and he just sprays it right in his mouth.

1:18:50 Drew The munchies.

1:18:51 Adam Yeah, he actually sprayed one in his mouth and one up his ass last time as well. We had two of them.

1:18:55 Drew He's a pretty slender guy.

1:18:57 Adam All right, Mario, this is all going to change. As you get older, you will start putting on weight. You're a skinny guy. You have to force yourself to eat. Once you get a shake and keep it in your hand. When you go by McDonald's or Burger King or something, just pop your head in and grab a shake. I would love that.

1:19:15 Drew That would be nice. All day long, sip on a shake.

1:19:19 Adam I'm telling you, I can polish off any amount of yummy liquid. I went over to the juice place today. I got myself a big fat smoothie. I always get the big one, the 32 oz.

1:19:33 Drew The summer size or whatever it is.

1:19:34 Adam I'll just suck that whole goddamn thing down and not even think about it. I'll never leave a drop. I'll pop the cap off and I'll smack the bottom of it. If I had a tongue like a lizard, I'd just drag it along the bottom of the thing. I'll put down anything. What 16 year old can't put down a chocolate shake, for Christ's sake? I don't know why I get angry if people don't like food. I do that all the time. No, but I do. I was eating with Jimmy last week. He ordered a sundae with no nuts. I'm like, hey, what's up? He's like, I don't like nuts. No nuts on the sundae? Yeah. Can I finish ordering? No. What do you mean no nuts? I don't mind nuts, but I don't like them on my sundae. Let me finish ordering. No, I'm not done. It's like, get the nuts. I'll eat the nuts off the thing. No, I don't like them. I cannot accept that people don't like what I like to eat. Then they start talking to me about liver and I'm like, please, are you high? Please. Always involving bacon, by the way. We all sat around a table. Everyone said they hated liver. One guy piped up and said, no, I do good liver.

1:20:45 Drew With bacon.

1:20:46 Adam I do good liver and I'm thinking, when's the bacon coming? When is the bacon? I take an onion, I slice it up, yeah. I take some nice lean calves liver, right, right. I take some water chestnut, uh-huh. I saute, uh-huh, uh-huh. Then I take the bacon and I thought, we're all waiting for the bacon to drop. No one can talk about liver without working bacon into the equation. That's how you know it's a bad food. Because they don't talk about ribs and bacon, and they don't talk about brisket and bacon or corn beef and bacon or steak and bacon. It's only liver and bacon because liver tastes like ass, and it must be wrapped in bacon in order to make it palatable. Well, these are wonderful stories. Yeah, god damn right they are, Heal. Letty?

1:21:31 Caller Yes?

1:21:31 Adam You're 22.

1:21:32 Caller Yes.

1:21:33 Adam What's up?

1:21:34 Caller I wanted to know, I just recently started dating this guy, and everything's great, but something started happening that's never happened to me before. When I have an orgasm, I lose consciousness. Like I pass out, like really pass out.

1:21:51 Drew Are you hyperventilating?

1:21:53 Caller I don't know, I don't remember that far into it. I just remember like him shaking me and waking me up and say, are you okay? Are you okay? I said, I'm fine, get away.

1:22:03 Drew Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

1:22:04 Caller I mean, I'd say as far as I go, I wasn't worried about it. It never happened to me before, but he looked really scared.

1:22:12 Drew Well, you should definitely have it. Anytime somebody passes out, that needs an evaluation. You may have some sort of a heart problem, you're not aware of, a rhythm disturbance. Things can be going on there that sort of can cause non-physiologic reactions. Really?

1:22:23 Caller Because I just tell them, oh, it's not a big deal. I mean, it never happened to me before.

1:22:28 Drew I understand. And it may be nothing. You may just be hyperventilating, but it also may be a big deal.

1:22:33 Caller Yeah, she said it looked really scary.

1:22:35 Adam How did a chick do that on me?

1:22:37 Drew No, you did not.

1:22:38 Adam Well, falling asleep is the same thing, right?

1:22:41 Drew Passing out, yeah.

1:22:41 Adam Yeah, her eyes were closed. She didn't know where she was. Letty?

1:22:44 Caller Yeah?

1:22:45 Adam You know what hyperventilation is?

1:22:47 Caller Yeah, when you're like breathing fast.

1:22:49 Adam Right, but wouldn't you be, you might be breathing fast, you know, when you're having sex and all around and everything.

1:22:55 Caller But I don't remember it being so much like, I feel like, oh my God, I'm going to stop breathing.

1:23:00 Adam Yeah, but what about now that you're aware of it, what about next time you try to sort of?

1:23:04 Caller Well, that's what I was going to ask you. Like, okay, now that we know that this happens and we have sex, now like when he sees me starting to go, he like starts already like shaking me, and like, are you there, are you there? And I'm like, yeah, you know? But it's starting to get better, but I want to know just because he's like reviving me ahead of time, should I still go get it looked at just because it's still happening?

1:23:31 Adam Drew, what about breathing into a bag?

1:23:33 Drew No.

1:23:33 Adam Remember that?

1:23:34 Drew Yeah, yeah, that's for true hyperventilation.

1:23:36 Adam It really is? Why? You try to get some carbon dioxide in it?

1:23:40 Drew Yeah, you re-breathe it, yeah.

1:23:42 Adam Why? What's that do for you?

1:23:43 Drew So you're not breathing it off so much.

1:23:45 Adam Oh, okay. Hey, Letty?

1:23:47 Caller Uh-huh.

1:23:48 Adam All right, you got to get checked out.

1:23:50 Caller Okay.

1:23:50 Adam But just to check out the hyperventilation thing, why don't you try to sort of monitor your breathing a little bit next time?

1:23:58 Drew And don't bear down hard. That can slow your heart rate down. But the problem here, it sounds like you really have a low pulse, low blood pressure reaction, and that can be dangerous.

1:24:06 Adam Dr. Drew, how can you monitor your breathing without freaking out? Do you know what I mean?

1:24:11 Drew Slow deep breaths.

1:24:12 Adam Slow.

1:24:13 Drew Don't let yourself pant and breathe fast.

1:24:15 Adam That's where you hyperventilate.

1:24:16 Drew Breathe through your nose, out through your mouth.

1:24:18 Adam Right. Hyperventilate fast.

1:24:21 Drew Too much. Hyper.

1:24:22 Adam Too fast.

1:24:23 Drew Yeah.

1:24:23 Adam Too much.

1:24:24 Drew Too much.

1:24:24 Adam Hypo.

1:24:25 Drew Too little.

1:24:27 Adam I thought hypo was inside or something like that. All right.

1:24:32 Drew Beneath.

1:24:32 Adam Beneath. Isn't that what it is?

1:24:34 Drew It can be underneath.

1:24:35 Adam We'll take a little break. Back with more liver recipes after this. Hey, everybody.

1:24:47 Drew Loveline.

1:24:47 Adam I'm Adam. That's Drew. Jay Mohr at the Improv in Irvine, at the Irvine Spectrum, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Matthew Lillard will be in here tomorrow night. He's an actor. You remember him from the Scream movies and a bunch of movies, actually, being here talking about his latest. Linda?

1:25:09 Caller Yeah.

1:25:09 Adam You're 24?

1:25:10 Caller Yes.

1:25:11 Adam What's up?

1:25:12 Caller I really respect Dr. Drew, and I wanted to see his thoughts on extended breastfeeding. I'm still nursing my daughter, and she's 25 months old. As he feels that that's a little...

1:25:23 Drew She's eating regular foods and things also? Oh, yeah.

1:25:25 Caller She nurses maybe three or four times a day during the week, and then on the weekend she might do a little more, anywhere from two to four times a day.

1:25:35 Drew Well, most people, I think, would say 24 months is about as far as you want to go with that. So you're right about where you want to stop.

1:25:42 Adam Why stop?

1:25:44 Drew Well, the child needs to individuate from the breast. I mean, some people go on to five, six. That's a little wild.

1:25:51 Adam Will your breast keep creating milk as long as there's a mouth on the other end of it?

1:25:55 Drew Sometimes, yeah. Some women. I know you're going to have to try it. It's a plan.

1:26:01 Adam No, but you know, you hear about this in Europe. I think they go on longer. Do they not?

1:26:07 Drew Yeah, sometimes.

1:26:07 Caller Isn't the worldwide average including developing countries and everywhere, isn't it like four or five?

1:26:13 Drew I don't know that, dad. I'd be surprised if we're that old. I could believe it would be more like three. But it's time to help them through that process of individuation.

1:26:20 Adam Some of that's probably on necessity in a lot of developing countries.

1:26:23 Drew That's right. There's all kinds of things that go out on necessity that are not necessarily good for kids, like all the families sleeping in the same bed.

1:26:29 Caller Yeah, so you're not for the close sleeping or the family bed, anything like that?

1:26:33 Caller The whole attachment parenting thing?

1:26:35 Drew No. Yes, you need to attach. And attachment is the most important part of the parenting process. And I mean, consistent, empathic, available other is the thing. But part of being empathic is doing the hard work of being there and present while the child individuates. It's much easier just to gratify every impulse and diffuse with the child. That's wonderful and easy. It's not the parenting job.

1:26:57 Adam Here's the other thing, too, about developing countries and Europe and Africa and all these places. By the way, Mexico is never cited as... They never say, in Mexico, and fill in the blank, Mexico, they should... That's a tough question. They really need to ask themselves over there. And I wonder if they do that in the United States. I mean, in Europe, they go, in the United States, they... I'm sure they do. But here's my point. You can't pick and choose. What I mean is, is there's other countries have other mores and other traditions. And some are good, and some aren't good. You can't just say, well, in Sweden, they do this. Therefore. Pick the good stuff. And they do stuff that's not so good that you choose to ignore. Because you have to throw out the whole argument. Either you take on their lifestyle and decide it's a superior lifestyle than ours or a superior culture, and embrace everything in their culture, or you throw the whole thing out. You can't sort of pick and choose from one culture to the next. You can't just drive your cultural shopping cart down the aisle and toss in something from Africa, something from Asian, something from Europe. I think we do like to do that.

1:28:07 Drew Yeah, that's the American way, isn't it? It really is.

1:28:09 Adam Yeah, it is. We'll go, in Asia, the fam, they have great respect for their elders and they worship their... Yeah, but they cane people too. And they like to eat sushi off of virgins. Oh, no, I disagree with that, but I like the elder part. All right, well, just say, then don't make it into a cultural thing. Just use it like a good job.

1:28:33 Drew I was like, the Buddhist is a tremendously pacifist culture in one of the most violent cultures in the history of humanity.

1:28:39 Caller Right.

1:28:39 Drew And China has been through unbelievable upheavals.

1:28:43 Adam Rory?

1:28:44 Drew Hello?

1:28:45 Adam Hey, you're 17?

1:28:46 Caller Yes, I am.

1:28:47 Adam What's up?

1:28:48 Caller Well, tomorrow, I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled in. Like, I smoked weed yesterday, and I'm wondering if it's going to, like, affect the anesthesia or anything.

1:28:55 Drew Hey, dude, the smoking the weed yesterday is not going to affect it, but the 400 days before that, that you also did it, that's going to have an issue.

1:29:05 Adam Not on the anesthetic, though.

1:29:06 Drew Not on the anesthesia, meh.

1:29:08 Adam Yeah, he'll be fine.

1:29:09 Drew You sure? On the anesthetic, you know, because you could have some chronic bronchitis, it can affect your ventilation.

1:29:14 Adam Nah.

1:29:15 Drew It can't affect the way the anesthesia affects you, because it's going to take weeks for that pod to get out of your system.

1:29:21 Adam Rory, you're still...

1:29:21 Drew And not the one day, I'm talking about the four or five hundred days you've been doing it.

1:29:25 Adam But don't freak, don't bum the guy's high out, he's got to go get his wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow.

1:29:29 Drew First of all, remember how we talked earlier, we were talking to Jay about what makes him angry about this show. What did you say? Denial, remember?

1:29:36 Adam Yes.

1:29:38 Drew I smoked weed yesterday.

1:29:39 Adam Well, that was the last time he smoked. Do you smoke a lot of weed, Rory? Yes, I do. You have to know when you name your kid Rory that he's going to smoke a ton of weed. I mean, as a parent, you should take some responsibility for that.

1:29:52 Drew I mean, I knew he smoked weed the moment he opened his mouth.

1:29:54 Adam Okay, well, speaking of opening your mouth, he's going to open it tomorrow and have his wisdom teeth pulled. Well, you haven't too pulled? Yeah. Okay.

1:30:02 Drew You better tell your doctor what you do so they can adjust accordingly.

1:30:05 Caller Yeah, well, what if my mom's right there?

1:30:08 Adam Yeah. Well, hold on a second. Hold on, Drew, be honest. Rory smokes a lot of weed. Rory should cut back on the weed.

1:30:16 Drew Rory will not cut back on the weed.

1:30:18 Adam How does that affect? Well, not really a lot.

1:30:20 Caller But it's just that like...

1:30:21 Drew All right, every day.

1:30:22 Adam How does that affect tomorrow in the anesthesia? Him smoking it two days earlier.

1:30:27 Drew It can affect how his lungs function. No, not the two days later. The 400 days that he's been smoking it.

1:30:31 Caller Well, actually, my real question is, am I gonna die tomorrow?

1:30:35 Drew No, you're probably not gonna die tomorrow.

1:30:36 Caller Okay, good.

1:30:36 Adam Probably not, probably not. Probably have a 40%, maybe, maybe 45% chance of dying. And that's out of 80. So it's like 50. Okay, Rory, you're fine. But listen, after you get those wisdom teeth pulled, no more smoking weed, all right?

1:30:54 Caller I'll try not to.

1:30:55 Adam Work on the weed part of your life.

1:30:57 Caller Okay.

1:30:57 Adam You've been smoking too much for too long and we can hear it in your voice.

1:31:00 Caller Really?

1:31:01 Drew Yeah. Yeah, the second you open your mouth.

1:31:03 Caller Oh, wow.

1:31:04 Adam All right.

1:31:05 Caller That's nuts.

1:31:05 Adam All right. Now, you're gonna get some nice Vicodin from the doctor. That should be your new drug of preference.

1:31:11 Caller I don't know if the guy's gonna give me Vicodin.

1:31:13 Drew Yeah, they will.

1:31:14 Caller Yeah.

1:31:14 Drew Yeah.

1:31:15 Adam Yeah. So you can look forward to that. But don't smoke the Vicodin.

1:31:18 Caller All right, I won't.

1:31:19 Drew Oh, there's that line.

1:31:19 Adam All right, good call. Listen.

1:31:22 Drew I can't even do it.

1:31:23 Adam You sound like mutt, like.

1:31:25 Drew Yeah, a little bit.

1:31:26 Adam Listen, everybody who smokes a ton of weed. There it is. All right, it's obvious. We're gonna take a break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. Well, there you go. I want to thank Jay Mohr for coming in tonight. Jay can be found at the Irvine Improv Spectrum in Irvine this week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Go out and see our friend Jay Mohr there.

1:32:07 Drew I don't hear such classics as Skunk Bonnet.

1:32:09 Adam That's right. And the asshole being compared to a balloon nut.

1:32:14 Drew And a whale eye.

1:32:15 Adam And a whale eye. Matthew Lillard will be in here tomorrow night. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:32:22 Jay Mohr You got to change that name to Jasper Jowles because you're a hound dog. And who's the big pig woman with the jug?

1:32:33 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management sponsors for this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Dingle. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Tuesday, August 28, 2001