Episode 1000754886218

1:54 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Love Line Coast to Coast.

2:06 Voiceover Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam Carolla, that's Dr. Drew, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Internist and Addiction Medicine Specialist. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Aisha Tyler is slated to come in here tonight. She's the big, tall, black goddess from Talk Soup and does a nice job on that show. I think she's been there for about a year, but we'll ask her if and when she comes into the studio.

2:37 Drew She is probably lost when I think about this place.

2:40 Voiceover Most likely, yeah. Only the criminally insane can find the Loveline studio. That's the way it works, a certain mindset. Tori Amos will be in here tomorrow night. I adore Tori. She is a person that is very interesting to talk to and is nuts as the day is long, but a cool vibe. Wouldn't you agree, Drew?

3:00 Drew Yes, an artiste, a true artiste.

3:02 Adam She is always compelling. We will be a good guest. We will look forward to seeing her again tomorrow night. Like I said, Aisha is going to be in here, I am guessing in a couple of few. Until then, we will take some calls.

3:15 Drew You seem like you are in good spirits. Are you beaked up on Vicodin or something?

3:19 Adam I had a couple of cocktails. That's fine.

3:21 Drew What's the deal? Celebrating something?

3:25 Adam It's Tuesday and I had a good week. No, it was Jimmy, my lover.

3:31 Drew Yes.

3:32 Adam It was his...

3:32 Drew Your life partner.

3:33 Adam Surprise party tonight.

3:35 Drew For a birthday?

3:36 Adam Yeah. It was at a restaurant, I had a couple of cocktails. But I switched to diet soda about 20 minutes ago, so I'm cool.

3:43 Drew Did you follow him home last night? Did you sleep with him? You're gay.

3:50 Adam Lesley?

3:51 Yeah.

3:51 Adam You're 27?

3:52 Hey Adam and Dr. Drew.

3:54 Adam Hey Lesley, what's up?

3:56 Not that I don't love you guys, but I thought Adam Sandler was going to be on tonight.

4:00 Drew Adam Sandler?

4:01 Adam Adam Sandler is going to be on Undeclared.

4:07 Drew The show who was represented by the guest on the show last night.

4:13 Well good thing I have a question.

4:15 Adam Right.

4:16 Okay well I have this guy I'm seeing right now and he's kind of big, probably the biggest guy I've ever been with. The day after we have sex, I usually bleed. Is this a problem?

4:28 Drew Can you see where the blood is coming from?

4:30 No, but it's not like my period or anything.

4:33 Drew But it's up inside, it's not like there's a tear on the outside or something.

4:36 Yeah, it's up inside.

4:38 Adam What a thrill it would be to really damage a woman with your penis.

4:41 Drew I know.

4:42 Adam It's a lifelong dream of mine.

4:43 Drew I know. Let me give you a penis prosthetic.

4:46 Adam Yeah, I really love to hurt somebody with my penis.

4:49 Yeah, well this guy, he has definitely a dangerous tool.

4:54 Adam Is it wide?

4:56 It's kind of like all over. Everything is big.

5:00 Adam Well, there's... Yeah, you just go wide and long.

5:04 Yes.

5:05 Drew Does it work better for you?

5:07 You know what? No, I kind of like it.

5:10 Adam Oh, really?

5:11 I like it, but there's this other guy that I was seeing around the same time who is considerably smaller, and I have an easier time handling that.

5:19 Drew Just more comfortable for you.

5:21 Yeah.

5:21 Adam But did the smaller...

5:22 Drew See, this is the thing, we hear this all the time.

5:24 Adam Did the smaller guy work a little harder?

5:27 No, actually, you know, they worked just as hard, and I guess I had an easier time controlling the smaller guy. The bigger one was just a little bit like... It was kind of uncomfortable sometimes.

5:37 Adam Yeah. Well, listen, you women, like when you get a dog, you want a little lamp dog, something you can take with you. Shopping, you don't want some... Put it in your purse. You don't want a mastiff dragging you around down the curb, and I think that's what it is.

5:50 Well, maybe. I don't know, but I just really wanted...

5:53 Adam Hold on. Did she say she was having sex with her dog?

5:55 Drew No, you brought the dog thing.

5:56 Adam Oh, okay.

5:57 Drew I said, well, maybe.

5:58 Adam I had a few drinks. I wasn't listening. Go ahead, Leslie.

6:02 No, that was my only question.

6:03 If I should be concerned or not.

6:06 Drew No, it's fine. It's not a big deal.

6:08 Adam Are you using lubrication?

6:10 No, I don't need it.

6:12 Adam Sounds like maybe you do.

6:14 Drew No, this is from her uterus. This is her uterus. This is the way up there action.

6:18 Adam All right.

6:19 Drew All right.

6:19 Adam Hey, good times.

6:20 Thanks, Adam. Bye, Dr. Drew.

6:22 Drew Bye, Leslie. Oh, you should come in here.

6:24 Adam Yeah.

6:26 Yeah.

6:26 Adam Well, why don't we bring Aisha in here and have her sit down and chat. She's early. I mean, early into the show.

6:33 Drew For this show. For this show. She's earlier than most.

6:40 Right.

6:42 Adam This is Aisha Tyler from Talk Soup. And she got a new show. Hi. Nice to meet you.

6:47 Good to see you again.

6:49 Adam I don't think. Oh, you guys know each other?

6:50 Aisha Tyler We met each other the other day.

6:51 Drew Yeah.

6:52 Aisha Tyler Where? Breathe benefit, the breast cancer benefit.

6:55 Drew She was my new partner on stage.

6:56 Aisha Tyler Yeah, we will. I tried to do you as a sad, sad paper tiger.

7:02 Adam There's still time to do me. Well, Drew, you got up on stage for that?

7:07 Drew Yeah.

7:07 Aisha Tyler We went up and introduced Sugar Ray.

7:10 Adam Oh.

7:10 Aisha Tyler Talked about boobs.

7:12 Adam So you didn't tell me that. You said you went to the concert.

7:15 Drew I probably told you the whole thing. You just weren't listening.

7:18 Aisha Tyler You guys are like an old married couple.

7:19 Adam Don't make me suck your ass. You told me I was surprised that you went to the concert.

7:25 Drew I went. I said it's right in my alley. It was someone I wanted to support. I introduced a band.

7:30 Aisha Tyler Except for the introduction of the band. It was very sweet.

7:32 Drew All right.

7:32 Adam So here's... Let me figure it out. Drew went, introduced a band and went home. That's what happened.

7:36 Aisha Tyler Drew was rocking out. He was rocking out in the audience. Everybody was standing. They were sitting and tapping. But, you know, you got it. It was a good show, wasn't it? It was Seal and Nika Kosta who like just ripped it up and Sugar Ray played.

7:47 Drew And Aisha read herself when she got to meet Tom Hanks.

7:51 Aisha Tyler Tom Hanks, I did quite literally almost be my fans. I mean, well, you know, he's like the god of all comedians, that guy.

7:58 Adam Yeah.

7:59 So, yeah.

8:00 Adam I met him and he only knew me from these crampy 1-800-collect-a-mercials.

8:04 Aisha Tyler He's like, hey, you're the phone dude.

8:07 Adam Yeah, he goes, I know you. And I thought, oh, she was this grand, oh, he's a fan. He's a fan. You do those 1-800-collect-a-mercials.

8:15 Aisha Tyler You have this body of work. And he's like, you're that phone guy.

8:19 Adam I got a body of crap. Aisha, first off, Talk Soup, a year? It's been a year.

8:25 Aisha Tyler It's been almost a year now. Yeah, totally.

8:28 Adam You've fit in quite nicely. Thank you. Seamless.

8:32 Aisha Tyler I like it. It's a really fun show to do. And we just screw around all day. And it's great. I really, I love it. It's a great job.

8:40 Adam It's a good set over there.

8:42 Drew Is it the big guy who sits under the camera and gives you the...

8:44 Aisha Tyler Tom, Tom McNamara. Yeah. He's like the King Andy Richter. He's like, you know, he's on fire. I love that guy. It's, it's, I mean, it's what it looks like. We just, you've done it. You've come down to Dennis Show before, right?

8:55 Adam I did it a couple of times. I think I did it with Drew.

8:58 Aisha Tyler Yeah, you guys came and did it together.

8:59 Adam That's awesome. And I did it with my other partner, Jimmy, once. The one with me and Drew, we got into a little spat with people there.

9:05 Drew No, he got into a little spat with me.

9:08 Aisha Tyler Do you have some creative differences?

9:09 Drew It's very similar to what I was telling you. We went out, they gave us a script to go out of this, this brief thing.

9:14 Aisha Tyler We did nothing on the script at all.

9:15 Drew And I said, I said, look, this is crap. And they want us to fill a few minutes. Let's go out there and let's fill. And I'm used to this. I told you the story about Adam and the other stuff he does. And this was another one of those things that Talk Super. They gave us a lengthy script. Yeah. And Adam was, I'm not speaking a word of this. They're like, oh, yes, you're reading this.

9:32 Aisha Tyler No, I'm not.

9:33 Drew Remember this?

9:33 Aisha Tyler We have to lay a lot of pipe on that show.

9:35 Adam No, I'm not a good reader. And really, I'm not. I'm not even functionally illiterate. I think I'm just illiterate. You don't hear about those people.

9:45 Aisha Tyler You can't read anything.

9:47 Adam There's shut-ins in illiterate.

9:48 Aisha Tyler Standing at the corner waiting for the post.

9:50 Adam I am really illiterate. And when you have trouble reading, reading a teleprompter when it's rolling on by and trying to do ad libs and trying to communicate with a partner, not just stare at the camera, but shift your gaze to the partner and stuff. I said, it's just going to be confusing. So I said, why don't you just, we do this for a living, just clean off the teleprompter and just give us the beats.

10:11 Aisha Tyler I mean, tell us the point.

10:13 Adam Tell us the clip we're throwing it to. And they said, all right. I told them on the ride in and then I told them when I got there and then I told them when we sat down in the chair and then there was that full teleprompter.

10:25 Aisha Tyler Yeah, it's funny because I think also in the period when they had all the celebrities coming in, there were so many people who needed so much handholding and that they said, oh, he thinks he doesn't need to be held, but he needs to be held because so many people come in and they're like drunk and walking into walls and so.

10:43 Drew That was Adam.

10:44 Aisha Tyler Yeah.

10:45 Coincidentally, that was.

10:46 Adam Well, we're not any good, but I'm not any better with the teleprompter.

10:50 Aisha Tyler I thought that wasn't going to help you at all.

10:51 Adam And then I got on the air that night and may have brought it up and I think they got highly offended.

10:56 Yeah.

10:56 Adam But here's my whole take in life.

10:57 Aisha Tyler OK.

10:58 Adam When you tell somebody while you're driving in, hey, clear the teleprompter and then you get there and you go, hey, clear the teleprompter and then you sit down in the seat and you go, hey, clear the teleprompter and they never clear the teleprompter. And then you get on the radio that night and you go, hey, they didn't clear the teleprompter. And then they get upset for you saying that. My attitude is, hey, kiss my ass. What, am I going to apologize for you not doing your job?

11:21 Aisha Tyler That's probably your attitude in many situations.

11:23 Adam They got upset and we had a little running. But we're all back now.

11:27 Aisha Tyler We're all back on deck.

11:28 Adam And the show looks great.

11:30 Aisha Tyler I really like doing it.

11:31 Adam And we'll talk about the new show, by the way.

11:33 Aisha Tyler Yeah, we have a big new show. We can talk about that whenever you like. The Fifth Wheel, which is a lot of fun, too. So I work every day of the week, essentially.

11:40 Adam Yeah, I just, it's on Channel 9 out here. Is that K-Cal out here?

11:44 Aisha Tyler I think K-Cal 9.

11:45 Adam Five o'clock, Monday through Friday. I think I have seen that.

11:49 Aisha Tyler It's in syndication, so it's different everywhere, but that's where it's on there.

11:52 Adam It's new. It's newly on, right?

11:54 Aisha Tyler Yeah, very new. Like last month, October, I guess, from the people who do Blind Date. But it's kind of like this uber blind date with five people instead of two.

12:02 Adam And where do they get all these hot looking people? I was about to say chicks, but the guys are good looking, too.

12:07 Aisha Tyler Even the guys are pretty hot, yeah.

12:08 Adam Everyone is good looking. I mean, Drew and I go do one of these colleges in Ohio. There's two thousand people.

12:14 Aisha Tyler It's like trolls and glass eyes.

12:16 Adam Not one goddamn five amongst them.

12:19 Aisha Tyler People are carrying their own limbs into the room.

12:23 Adam They should be ringing a bell up in the tower.

12:26 Tinkity, tinkity, tinkity.

12:27 Aisha Tyler Well, they cast at hot people central. They'll go to bars on Sunday. LA is kind of, people always say, everyone's so hot here. I just think hot people come here because I think they can get work.

12:38 Adam Oh, absolutely.

12:40 Aisha Tyler Then you go to a bar in Hollywood and it's like a hot people concentrate.

12:45 Adam There's so many good looking people who I never see until I turn the TV on and realize, I mean, I'm hanging out at the North Hollywood Home Depot.

12:53 Aisha Tyler That's a bad, yeah, that would be your first mistake. Going over the hills is your first mistake.

12:57 Adam Drew, you never go on an audition. If you ever go, like 10 years ago, I used to go on an audition and I'm not going to get into this, but this is crazy. I used to go on these boxing auditions where they needed a guy who could box. So you show up and it's like for ballys. I used to teach boxing, so I'd show up. Yeah, I don't look like a boxer, but I used to teach it. So I'd go, what the hell? I'll go, maybe I'll get a job, be like a ballys fitness commercial. There's 300 hot looking people in Rome. I'm like, where'd all you goddamn people come from?

13:29 Aisha Tyler Totally. It's funny actually, like how your level of hotness, like how your hotness quotient or your palate for hotness becomes much improved once you see a lot of hot people because they're not all so hot anymore. Like I think when you know what I mean, like at first like man everyone's so hot and they're like, you know that girl's implants are kind of on the lopsided side. She's kind of cockeyed, you know, and then all of a sudden you're like very picky.

13:51 Adam It's very relative.

13:52 Aisha Tyler It is. Well, I've been watching, I watch every single show because we write the shows and we all sit down, look at all the dates and go through the scripts and punch them up and stuff. And it's ugly in that room because there's so much trash talking. I don't mean to put anybody down. It's just like you see like the thousand hot people and then you start to really start to pick out like the imperfections, maybe just to make yourself feel better.

14:11 Adam It's a chick thing. Guys, we don't...

14:13 Aisha Tyler Oh, the dudes, you should see the other. I'm not going to say what show because I'll get in trouble. But there's a really, really hot girl on this one show. And she had the biggest boobs. And all the guys decided that it was just way too much boobs. Like it was just a little like just would like disturb you.

14:26 Adam could not hang with those guys.

14:27 Aisha Tyler No, he's like, look at the look. They could like, they're like they're kind of high. Look like she could choke on him if she leaned down to tie a shoe.

14:34 Bouncy, bouncy.

14:36 Aisha Tyler They were a little disturbing for everybody in the room.

14:38 Drew You're adding me okay?

14:39 You're right. I don't know.

14:40 Adam I don't even know who these guys are. Frankly, I'm uncomfortable with this conversation. No, women constantly do that. And I like this too.

14:48 Aisha Tyler I, you know, I am, I am, I am a totally not a caddy. I have much respect to hot girls. I'll tell you, that girl's got a huge rack. I got all my friends are guys. I'm like, dude, that girl's boobs are huge. All the, she's got the biggest rack I've ever seen. Look at that. All the time. I'm like the opposite of the C blocker. That girl's got a giant rack.

15:04 Drew On a loop, please. You got that?

15:07 Adam You're a six foot ebony goddess. You can afford to be humble.

15:12 Aisha Tyler That's a new one.

15:12 Adam I like that. The short squatty troll tip. Guys, we just go right in that he's gay. He's gay. Look at him. Come on. He shaves his chest. Come on. He's gay. Well, look, he may not know he's gay. The supermodel he's banging doesn't know, but believe me, he's gay. All right. The worst thing, and then we're going to take some calls. I always like it when the girlfriend turns to you and goes, when you're looking at a super hot chick with the huge cans and goes, do you like that? You can't say no because that's unbelievable. You obviously can't say yes. You go, I could see where some guys would be.

15:49 Aisha Tyler Exactly. You got to qualify. Somewhere in the world, someone might find that attractive.

15:53 Adam Meanwhile, your hand is inching down inside your underpants.

15:57 Aisha Tyler There's a crowd forming.

15:59 Adam You like that? You think that's sexy? You like that? I don't know. I was. What are you talking about? I don't even know what you're talking about. That's fine.

16:06 Aisha Tyler I don't even know.

16:08 Aisha Tyler Are we on? Because I want to tell you a really quick story. We had a show today where it was a great day where there were two very sweet girls and a really hot girl. This guy had a choice between the hot girl and the sweet girl, and the hot girl was going to make out with them. There's a room in the bus that you can go inside. It's like a bed and there's a disco ball and everything. You can go in there and fool around. The hot girl goes and she's like, come on in and we can screw around. The guy is stuck at the door and he can't make the decision. I guess I'm going to give it away because it's such a great ending when he ends up going for the sweet girl because the girl is like, you can always get the hot girl, but the sweet girl doesn't come around that often.

16:44 Adam How different looking are the hot and sweet girls?

16:46 Aisha Tyler The sweet girl was very sweet. She was beautiful, but she was sweet. She wasn't like, she didn't have a huge rack. She wasn't like, you know, panting to go.

16:52 Adam Well, guys will take sweet and cute and beautiful if there's no big difference.

16:56 Aisha Tyler Well, she didn't have a boil. You know?

16:57 Drew I get a little freaked out about overly sexual too.

17:00 Aisha Tyler Yes, it's a little intimidating because you think maybe she's got an extra special gift for you.

17:04 Drew It just freaks them out. They just say, I'm going to do it.

17:06 Aisha Tyler Yeah, she was ready to go and that room has cameras in it, but I think people, they think it doesn't and they're like, no, there's no cameras in here. Meanwhile, we got a little laproscopy of their bum. An endoscope. A little colonoscopy. You won't feel a thing.

17:22 Adam Nikki, you're 16. What's up?

17:26 Drew Colposcopy.

17:28 Aisha Tyler Leproscopy.

17:29 Drew Colposcopy. Down the vagina.

17:31 Aisha Tyler Hey, I'm learning something new.

17:33 Adam What's up there, Nikki?

17:35 Well, today was me and my boyfriend's six-month anniversary. I started getting off the pill, so we haven't been having sex lately because I'm, you know, I don't want to get pregnant or anything.

17:44 Drew Right.

17:44 Well, I had some leftover spermicide foam, like VCF or whatever, or PROM, which is in May.

17:52 Drew You're going to use that as a contraception?

17:54 Yeah.

17:54 Drew That doesn't work. It does not work. Does not work.

17:59 Well, we used it tonight because I thought it would.

18:01 Drew Well, then you get yourself the emergency contraceptive pill.

18:04 It's good. I probably will. We're going to do that anyway.

18:07 Drew No, probably. You got to get that tomorrow.

18:09 Okay. But the problem was that we weren't sure if it was expired or not, but it started hurting him while we were doing it, and he said it kind of felt like he was getting soap inside.

18:19 Drew Yeah, I can do that. It can cause a chemical irritation of the urethra.

18:22 Yeah, and then after we were done, he started getting a stinging down there, and when I touched it, it would start stinging, and when he went to the bathroom, it started hurting even more. He got to really bad.

18:31 Drew Well, he might need some antibiotics. It can cause a urethraitis. It does nothing to do with it being outdated, probably.

18:36 Adam How do you get the foam in there?

18:38 I don't know.

18:39 Aisha Tyler An applicator?

18:40 Drew Wait a minute. You said you used the foam.

18:42 Yeah, I know. I got up there with an applicator.

18:44 Adam All right. Well, there would be the answer. You put the... You just foam yourself?

18:49 Yeah.

18:49 Adam Like some sort of inverted sundae?

18:52 Aisha Tyler Like the way you would put a tampon in.

18:54 Yeah, it's like you put a tampon in.

18:56 Adam I see. Oh, so I just think of the way I would put a tampon in, and that's how I...

19:00 Aisha Tyler Yeah, just how you would do that.

19:02 Drew That's how the...

19:03 Aisha Tyler That's how the creams are...

19:04 Drew Suppositories and the creams get in, but it's not how the foam gets in.

19:07 Adam How's the foam get in?

19:08 Drew Nikki, you're kind of making this one up, aren't you?

19:11 No, I'm not.

19:12 Drew I was a little disturbed by the way you dismissed the need for the morning after pill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I got to tell you the story. The most important part of the story is protecting the pregnancy.

19:21 Well, I think, like, I went to Planned Parenthood and the lady told me that I could have used that because for, I don't know, but that's what she told me.

19:29 Drew No, it's not. You use it with a condom.

19:32 Oh.

19:32 Drew You don't use it by itself.

19:34 Adam Well, how do you put the foam in?

19:35 Drew It just got a little squirter.

19:37 Aisha Tyler Now, isn't foam kind of supposed to be an additional, like, you use a condom and then that's, and in case the condom breaks, the foam is there to kill any sperm.

19:43 Drew And even then it doesn't do much. It's just sort of an extra condom.

19:45 Adam I thought it was just more of a fire retardant.

19:47 Drew It does that too. It's good for fire extinguishers.

19:49 Adam Okay. Hey, Nikki, get that morning after pill, okay?

19:52 Aisha Tyler Okay.

19:53 Drew All right.

19:53 Aisha Tyler Yeah, do it right away. Okay.

19:55 Drew The sooner the better. The more effective it is, the sooner you take it.

19:57 Adam The spermicide and the foam and everything, it's very misleading because a lot of people look at this as a form of contraception, and it doesn't seem to be.

20:05 Drew Well, I overstate that. I keep saying it's zero. It's not zero. It's just not good.

20:09 Aisha Tyler Well, I mean, even 60% means 40%. Did I say 60% or are you making that? I'm assuming it's around 60%.

20:16 Drew That's not good enough for contraception.

20:17 Aisha Tyler Not good enough.

20:18 Adam Hey, Amy.

20:19 Aisha Tyler Hi.

20:19 Hey. How you guys doing?

20:21 Adam Hey, at 32, what's up?

20:23 Aisha Tyler We just flipped on Aisha on Talk Soup because it seems like it's on every hour on the hour.

20:28 Aisha Tyler Sweet. That's how I like it.

20:30 Aisha Tyler Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you. All right. To my question. I've waited four years to have this question answered. Four years? Wow.

20:39 Aisha Tyler You're patient.

20:40 Aisha Tyler Well, I keep waiting for Adam to repeat himself.

20:45 All right. Sorry.

20:46 Adam What is she talking about?

20:48 Aisha Tyler Because every time you stereotype people, you always seem to repeat it several shows later. Okay. My question is, a long time ago, you talked about...

20:58 Adam Well, hold on a second.

21:00 Drew You insulted him. You insulted him, Amy.

21:02 Adam Be careful. Kind of a cracker bitch or something. You're all the same, you white chick.

21:07 Aisha Tyler I think he's just going for the insult again.

21:10 Adam No. Well, listen, if you're waiting for me to repeat myself and I always seem to do it, then why did you have to wait four years?

21:18 Aisha Tyler That's why I'm calling in.

21:20 Drew Amy, Adam prides himself in not repeating himself.

21:23 Adam No, I do repeat myself. But what is her point? If I always repeat myself, why do you have to wait four years?

21:31 Aisha Tyler Okay, question is, you talk about fathers who work around metal.

21:36 Adam Any guy who works around metal.

21:38 Aisha Tyler Okay, any guy who works around metal. What about fathers who are in real estate and drive Cadillacs?

21:44 Drew What about them?

21:46 He had talked about...

21:47 Adam Let me tell you about real estate. Okay, real estate people are horrible people. They're horrible. They're right down there with travel agents. They're the male equivalent to the travel agent. And there's plenty of female real estate people, too, and they're always nuts. First off, I don't understand why they need their picture everywhere. Why do we got to look at the guy's head shot on a bench?

22:08 Aisha Tyler Well, especially when it's like a glamour shot, when there's like a kind of like, you know, they've greased out the lens and the hair's really big. You know, something functional is fine, but I don't need you to like have a boa to sell me a house.

22:19 Drew That's a great Simpson thing.

22:19 Adam Connie McDougall, the queen of Sherman Oaks.

22:22 Drew The first day they took Vassim and threw it on the lens.

22:26 Aisha Tyler There's one woman who's always in the trades, like the reporter or whatever, who has herself in different poses. Like they're full body shots and she's like leaning, and then she's like on her head and she's pensive. It's just crazy.

22:41 Adam That's why I was saying, why not architects, why not school teachers, why not librarians, why not construction workers? Who decided that realtors were the celebrities?

22:54 Aisha Tyler Of their field.

22:54 Adam Yeah, of just the commerce world. By the way, none of them are attractive. Listen, if you're a piece of ass and that's what you're banking on, let's show it. The worst thing is the couples.

23:07 Aisha Tyler Yes, where it's like there's one, the Dia and whatever the other guy's name is, Ray, and they're always on the bus stop.

23:13 Adam Sergeant Donald Weinstein represent you.

23:17 Drew It's always sisters too. It's very bizarre.

23:20 Aisha Tyler And we have the golden touch, ting.

23:22 Adam Yeah, I find it bizarre. So, listen, I don't trust realtors.

23:26 Drew Listen, Amy, your question is what does that mean about your family of origin or what your upbringing has been or what kind of people your dad is?

23:33 Adam It's better than metal.

23:34 Drew What are you asking?

23:35 Aisha Tyler No, that was just, he had just stereotyped it. He just touched on it, like I said, a million shows ago.

23:42 Aisha Tyler Guys who drive Cadillacs are pimps.

23:43 Now you're happy, right?

23:45 Aisha Tyler That was the other part of it.

23:46 Adam Realtors always think that they have to drive nice cars.

23:49 Drew In the Midwest, though, the Cadillac has a different implication.

23:54 Adam Right.

23:54 Drew You know what I'm saying? So that would be a nice car.

23:56 Adam Right.

23:57 Aisha Tyler For a pimper.

23:57 That was the North.

23:59 Aisha Tyler That was like a Steve-A-Ride.

24:01 Adam Amy.

24:02 Drew You can't drive a nice German car in the Northeast.

24:05 Aisha Tyler No, that's true. They'd run you.

24:07 Adam Plus, they think you're a communist.

24:09 Aisha Tyler Yeah, totally.

24:10 Hi, Amy.

24:11 Adam Are you good?

24:12 Aisha Tyler I'm very good.

24:13 Adam All right, baby. What's your life like?

24:17 Aisha Tyler A lot better.

24:19 Adam You got some kids?

24:20 Aisha Tyler Yeah, I do.

24:21 Adam I smell some abuse in your past.

24:26 Drew By the...

24:27 Adam Speed?

24:27 Drew Cow Life Driving Dad?

24:29 Aisha Tyler No, well, I guess more that was absenteeism. I get abuse from my mom, but it was amazing when I started listening to your show and I had married the cross between my mother and my father, the alcoholic dad and the controlling mother. And now that I've finally gotten away from it, it's great, but unfortunately, I do have two kids with him.

24:54 Adam Well, what was your drug of choice?

24:57 Drew For you.

25:00 Aisha Tyler Actually, no, I really didn't do drugs.

25:03 Adam You didn't get in anything?

25:04 Aisha Tyler No, when I started smoking, I kind of realized that that wasn't the past that I had wanted to go down.

25:11 Drew All right, your drug of choice was alcoholic men.

25:14 Adam Right, all right, so you're taking care of your kids now?

25:17 Aisha Tyler Oh, definitely.

25:18 Adam All right, good times.

25:19 Aisha Tyler My only problem is now, I still have, like I said, the X in the picture here, who is almost insistent on sabotaging the family and sabotaging the kids. We have joint custody.

25:35 Drew You gotta get him into some kind of recovery on behalf of your kids. You've gotta get him.

25:39 Aisha Tyler Absolute denial. The only thing that I can hope is that he listens to the show and he thinks that it's all me.

25:50 Adam All right.

25:51 Drew Well, I'm sure you have a role to play here, as every couple, each contributes, but he's not an alcoholic, so something can be done there.

25:57 Adam Yeah. Just put a hit on him or something.

26:00 Aisha Tyler I just seem pretty self-aware.

26:02 Drew Alicia, what's her name? Amy. She can go to Al-Anon. That's something you can do. In fact, again, in my experience, the thing that has the greatest impact on getting an identified person to treatment is their important relationships going to Al-Anon.

26:14 Adam All right. We're going to take ourselves a little break. Aisha Tyler is here from Talk Soup and Fifth Wheel. We'll give you some more information where you can find that show, syndicated show in a city in a time near you. We'll take a little break. We'll come back with Travis, who's 18, wants to know if he should tell his best friend's girlfriend that he's in love with her after this.

26:41 Well, hi, this is Mike Ransom, this is Tim. And we're from Edema, and you're listening to Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. I thought you knew.

26:51 Adam Yes, you is. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191, Aisha Tyler is here from Talk Soup on the Fabulous E, I like to call it the Thong Network. That station shows more ass and gets less crap for it than any other network.

27:12 Aisha Tyler We are soft core.

27:13 Adam Everyone is so busy beating up on MTV and Comedy Central and all these other cable networks that they miss E because E is very clever. They go, we're reporting.

27:25 Aisha Tyler Yes, I'm reporting on this hard news story from my thong.

27:29 From Brazil.

27:31 Adam That's right. There's this thing. Yeah, it's called the Carnival and everyone's naked. These chicks, they put glue on the boobs and then put sprinkles on it and they dance down the street doing the hoochie coochie and it's a hard-hitting topic. Oh, this is a hard-hitting news story.

27:46 Aisha Tyler Some cultural commentary.

27:47 Someone's got to cover this, you know?

27:49 Adam But it's wall to wall thong back and no one ever says anything.

27:53 Aisha Tyler No, it's art, you know? It's nudity is art.

27:58 Adam Genius. Also Fifth Wheel, which is a syndicate. It's out here on K-Cal at 5 Monday through Friday. And you can go on a website, which is?

28:09 Aisha Tyler What is it?

28:10 Adam Uh-oh.

28:11 That's pathetic that I don't know. I know.

28:13 Aisha Tyler I need you to because, you know, I'm working all the time.

28:16 Adam This is nationally, by the way, if you want to find out what time the show's on.

28:18 Drew The website is not here, Lauren.

28:20 Aisha Tyler Well, you know what you can do?

28:21 Drew www.the5th5thwheeltv.com.

28:26 Aisha Tyler There you go. You can check that out. You can also go to aishatyler.com and then click through to the 5th Wheel website.

28:31 Adam Travis?

28:32 Yeah.

28:33 Adam You're 18?

28:34 Caller Yeah.

28:34 Adam So you're in love with your best friend's girlfriend?

28:37 Yeah.

28:38 Adam And how long have they been together?

28:41 Caller Well, see, like, I guess like a couple months.

28:48 Adam So they're kind of new?

28:50 Yeah.

28:50 Drew How long have you known her?

28:52 About the same.

28:53 Adam You met her through him?

28:55 Yeah.

28:55 Drew What do you hope to accomplish by telling her this?

28:59 Caller I just want her to know how much I care about her.

29:02 Drew Now, let's get honest here for a second. What is your fantasy about how this will go down? What will happen?

29:10 Caller There's not really a fantasy.

29:12 Drew Well, then don't tell her.

29:13 Aisha Tyler Yeah. If you don't have a goal, you're going to probably...

29:16 Caller I just want to be with her. That's all.

29:17 Drew Well, then your fantasy is that she'll leave her boyfriend and be with you?

29:21 Caller Yeah.

29:22 You are an asshole.

29:24 Aisha Tyler What do you... Are you comfortable losing your friend?

29:28 Drew Not just losing him, it's screwing him over.

29:30 Yeah.

29:31 Caller Yeah. See, that's like what I was like hoping to accomplish by this question is like, I have a feeling she knows, but I don't want to rush to it and go, you know what, I love you, I care about you, and then have her totally flip out and lose a friend over it, you know, because I do consider her a friend.

29:46 Aisha Tyler You lose both of them because she's uncomfortable around you, and she tells your buddy, and then they both tell you to block.

29:52 Drew She has a boyfriend, she's not available right now. For you to say something like, boy, you know, slip in, boy, if you ever were available, you know, I'd be, you know, I mean, Well, that's the same. But that's, but that's, it's kind of harmless. It's like putting it out there and respecting the boundaries.

30:07 Adam That means Drew has done it a few times.

30:08 Aisha Tyler From the girl's perspective, like if a guy professes his undying love to you, and you don't feel the same way, then you're creeped out. But if a guy says, I think you're really cool, I like you a lot, if you and him don't work out, look me up, that's safe, and then she makes the choice.

30:21 Drew It's respectful too of the situation.

30:25 Adam I still say it's the same difference, but hey Travis, you do think she has some interest in you?

30:31 Caller Yeah, it's just, you know, her and I have a lot in common.

30:34 Drew Yeah, but she has a boyfriend.

30:35 Adam Yeah, like your best friend.

30:36 Drew Yeah, she has a boyfriend, and that's reality.

30:39 Adam And until that's over... Drew, what's up with you tonight? Relax over there. I'm a goddamn guy talk. You're beating the crap out of this guy.

30:47 Drew Because he's going to go swoop.

30:49 Adam I said like, you know, how they get along or whatever, and he pipes up with the syllable to half and you start beating him.

30:54 Caller You know that's why I'm calling, so you know.

30:55 Drew It's none of Travis' business how they're doing though. The fact is, if it doesn't work out, he should swoop in. The question should be how long should he wait before he swoops in.

31:03 Adam Listen, here's what happens all the time in relationships. People get together and they're sort of into each other but not that much. And then this other person comes along, happens to be a friend because they're in the clique, and they run off and have a long relationship. I'm not saying this is going to happen with Travis, but it happens all the time and you quickly forget about the first person who was there for eight weeks. Now, but here's the other thing. Has this guy told you about what he's done with her sexually?

31:27 Aisha Tyler No, he hasn't.

31:28 What kind of friend is this?

31:30 Adam I don't trust this guy. Okay, Travis, we're done with you.

31:34 Aisha Tyler I'll say this, Travis, hang back and just be a good friend to her because I'm married and I've been with my husband for a long time and I was dating his best friend when we met. And we got to be, hey, I'm laying all that on the table tonight. And he and I were friends and we were friends and he was a good friend to me until that relationship ended and then he swooped and he did not-

31:52 Caller Helen, the whole Superman of the thing.

31:54 Aisha Tyler He was, you know, because he was there for me when his buddy was being a jerk.

31:57 Drew How long did he wait?

31:59 Caller Four days.

32:02 Aisha Tyler Like a month and a half and the other guy was being a real jerk to me.

32:06 Drew How long was he just a friend hanging around?

32:08 Aisha Tyler Oh, he was a friend for like a year, you know, and then me and the other guy were working out. He could see that and so whenever I needed to cry, he was conveniently there. He played it really smooth and then when the other guy went away, you know, I looked up and there he was and so then I, you know, I was able to come to that relationship on my own. If he had told me he loved me like in the middle, I would have been completely creeped out and I probably would have blown him off.

32:29 Adam But as a woman, you knew that you had the injured reserve there. I mean, you knew.

32:34 Aisha Tyler I don't think I knew he, I don't, I don't think I knew he liked me. Maybe deep down and so I.

32:38 Adam You knew you could go to the bullpen as soon as you're ready to yank the starting pitcher.

32:43 Aisha Tyler Possibly, possibly, but I trusted him.

32:45 Adam Yeah, listen, it's, look, you just have to cover yourself on paper and that's what, that's what you two are saying and that's what Drew is saying too. So, okay, so do that. I'm into you, but I don't want to break things up, but if things go wrong, give me a call.

32:59 Aisha Tyler That's, and that's the Mac way to do it.

33:02 Adam By the way, Todd's gay. Tony?

33:06 Drew Todd? Travis, you mean?

33:07 Adam No, I mean Todd.

33:08 Aisha Tyler The other guy?

33:09 Adam Yeah, the other guy.

33:09 Aisha Tyler Oh.

33:10 Adam Thanks, Drew.

33:10 Drew He said his name was Todd?

33:12 Adam No, I had to come up with a name. I didn't want to say, I didn't want to use my friend, the guy you're dating, as gay, comic liation was right with me.

33:21 Jesus Christ, who's the smart one here?

33:24 Adam Tony? Yeah, I was doing the voice of Tony. Tony, you're 27?

33:30 Caller Yeah.

33:30 Adam Okay, what's up?

33:31 Caller Oh, I didn't know I was on. Well, I have a problem with drugs. So, it's been going on for a while. I already went to a third, well, to a kind of, what is it, like a detox kind of thing. I stood there two months and when I came out, I was fine for maybe seven, eight months, and then, you know, slowly went back.

33:52 Drew Did you work a program during that seven months?

33:54 Caller Well, I did the 12-step program and, you know, You had a sponsor? No, I didn't go that far to get a sponsor.

34:00 Drew Well, wait a minute, how did you work the steps without a sponsor?

34:03 Caller Well, I was going to some classes.

34:05 Drew Wait a minute.

34:05 Adam Just going to meetings.

34:06 Drew No, no, no. No sponsor, no treatment. It's very simple. If you didn't have a sponsor, you were not participating in the kind of recovery program. How did you spend two months in a rehab and not get that message? So really, Tony, you've never really gotten into the process of treatment and recovery.

34:24 Caller No, yeah, I have.

34:26 Drew No, you haven't. You didn't get a sponsor. You don't even start the process till you get a relationship with a sponsor.

34:32 Adam Well, okay, Tony, don't defend yourself because you're high on crank right now, right?

34:36 Caller No, no, I'm not right now.

34:37 Adam All right, but you're doing crank, right?

34:39 Caller Yeah.

34:39 Adam Okay, so that's kind of the ultimate.

34:41 Caller No, right now I'm not. I'm just, like, nervous there.

34:43 Adam Okay, but that's the bottom line. So don't bother arguing with Tony.

34:46 Caller Okay, no, yeah.

34:47 Drew Get yourself a sponsor, get to the program, get yourself a sponsor, start actually working the steps and see what happens.

34:53 Caller How can I go by doing that? Or, you know, where do I start?

34:56 Drew Go to NA., walk up to somebody, say, I need a sponsor, I need help.

35:00 Aisha Tyler Go back to your rehab center, ask for help there.

35:02 Drew Start looking for, start following direction, not thinking for yourself. Your brain is on drugs. It's going to make bad choices all the time.

35:10 Caller Yeah, well, it's, you know, yeah, I know, I know it's been, you know, a little here and there, and then I notice it, you know, I'm starting to mess up, you know.

35:18 Drew All right, well, get back to NA., get a sponsor, sit down, shut up, listen, take direction. That's all you got to do.

35:23 Aisha Tyler And you need somebody in your life who understands what you're going through and that you can't lie to. And the only person you can do that with is somebody who's been through it. So you need that person in your life.

35:30 I thought you were going to say God, and I almost might have thought you meant thank God.

35:35 Adam And I was going to have to do that thing right now in my head.

35:37 Aisha Tyler Yes, yes, and then run for the door.

35:40 Adam All right, Tony, that's it, more, go to NA.

35:43 Drew Yeah, more program. Well, actually, finally, in the program, try to your way, it doesn't work. Sit your moist ass down.

35:49 Adam Pick up a...

35:50 Drew Sit your moist ass down?

35:51 Aisha Tyler I think crank addicts are kind of have a dry, flaky...

35:54 Drew Dry ass, kind of flaky, nice.

35:56 Aisha Tyler Yes, they need...

35:57 Drew Where's the vomit drop?

35:58 Aisha Tyler Or maybe a zitty little zitty. Crank, I think, tends to be the zit drug.

36:05 Drew What's that you pick? It's pickers. They pick until they get ulcers. That's not actually zits.

36:11 Aisha Tyler Just open ulcers, self-inflicted ulcers. That's awesome.

36:15 Drew They all believe there's a hair in there, there's a glass in there, they dig until they get an ulcer.

36:20 Aisha Tyler What happened to the good old days when you just organized your CD collection? You know what I mean? It's got to be picking at your flesh. I don't understand that. Or your albums.

36:26 Drew Yeah, I would do with nylon, too.

36:28 Aisha Tyler The old vinyl.

36:29 Adam It is, I think, the ugliest drug the crank is. Crank? Yeah.

36:33 Aisha Tyler It's made from like poop in the inside of aluminum cans. I mean, it's like made from horrible things.

36:38 Adam It's made from elf poop, isn't it?

36:40 Aisha Tyler Elf poop? Well, it's the best kind of poop, but it's still poop.

36:43 Adam It's just an ugly drug. I mean, it turns people ugly.

36:46 Drew The Kepler Crank is a little better.

36:48 Aisha Tyler That's the high test. But it's like bleach and aluminum cans. And it's just horrible, horrible stuff.

36:54 Adam It's bad times. I don't understand how you get hooked on this stuff personally.

36:58 It's cheap.

36:59 Adam Yeah. Well, listen, derwiener schnitzel is cheap. I don't like dead crap. I'm sure they're sponsors.

37:07 Drew A lot of people that are, aside from using drugs to help function, so it's to study or drive a truck or step on it, that's one way you get on speed. The other way is it's self-medication. You're trying to feel better and once it gets good, it corrects depression.

37:21 Adam Have you done crank?

37:22 Drew No, I'm never trying to.

37:23 Adam Seriously?

37:23 Drew Seriously, dude.

37:24 Adam Aisha?

37:26 Aisha Tyler A little bit. Watch my show.

37:29 Adam Okay. So you were strung out on crank for a number of years. Do you know what I'm talking about?

37:35 Aisha Tyler I did know people in high school who did crank.

37:36 Adam Turn a few tricks to support their habits.

37:38 Aisha Tyler Yes. When I was at Dartmouth, I was turning tricks in the library. Long, long story. I did not do any, but I did know people in high school who did crank. And only the good, only the gold for me.

37:50 Adam I have done this crank. It just you, you do two lines and you don't go to bed. And by, you know, four in the afternoon, the following day when you have not slept at all, your head is throbbing, you feel like fried.

38:04 Aisha Tyler And then that's when the addict starts doing more crank. Because there's that superhero feeling, I imagine, where you just feel like you're bulletproof. You know, I think people get addicted to that too.

38:13 Adam I could not imagine doing more after that. All I want to do is sleep and then do some coke. Ya pansy! Okay, we're going to take ourselves a little break. Aisha Tyler is here from Talk Soup and Fifth Wheel. And we'll be back. Hey everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam. That is Dr. Drew over there. Aisha Tyler is our guest tonight. What's up? She's the very tall, cool drink of water from Talk Soup. And also Fifth Wheel. Chigada, mugada, mugada, bug, bug.

38:48 Aisha Tyler I love this song. I know I do what they're saying.

38:51 Adam Chigada, mugada, mugada, bug, bug.

38:54 Aisha Tyler You wanted to.

38:56 You wanted to.

38:57 Leave the keys on the table.

38:58 Aisha Tyler You wanted to. Put some makeup on your face.

39:00 You wanted to.

39:03 Aisha Tyler What does it have to do with Chop Suey? Nothing, I imagine, which is the joke.

39:06 Drew Mugga, Mugga, Mugga, Mugga, Mugga, Mugga.

39:08 No, no.

39:10 Adam This is Mugga Mugga in there.

39:11 Aisha Tyler The only line in the whole song. You wanted to. And I don't know what he's referring to. It's, it's...

39:15 Well, of course.

39:16 Chigada-mugada-mugada-ba.

39:19 Aisha Tyler Chigada-chigada-chigada-ba. Chigada-chigada-chigada-ba. They're scatting.

39:24 Adam Yes. So, the guys from the Valley scatting.

39:27 Aisha Tyler Some Armenian guys from the Valley scatting.

39:30 Drew There's one, Aisha, it sounds good when she does it.

39:33 Adam She sounds like Ella Fitzgerald. There it is.

39:35 Aisha Tyler Mugga.

39:36 Adam Mugga, Mugga, Mugga, Mugga, Mugga.

39:42 Aisha Tyler So clearly, they're Chinese communists.

39:44 Mao!

39:45 Aisha Tyler Or they want you to fire in the game of Russian roulette.

39:48 I don't know.

39:49 Adam I remember that. See, Drew has no idea what you're talking about.

39:52 Aisha Tyler With Mao.

39:53 Adam He doesn't know the deer hunter. He doesn't know.

39:54 Aisha Tyler I do.

39:55 Adam But still, you weren't able to associate that.

39:57 Drew I wasn't listening.

39:58 Adam That's the beauty of Drew.

39:59 Aisha Tyler He wasn't even facing forward just then.

40:02 Adam Jeff?

40:02 Drew I was thinking about my back.

40:03 Adam You're 35, what's up?

40:05 Caller Good evening, everybody.

40:07 Hey. Love both your shows. Thank you. Pleasure to talk to all of you.

40:11 Adam Thanks.

40:12 I have two questions.

40:13 Caller I want to ask Aisha.

40:15 I read in the bio somewhere that you used to do stand up.

40:17 Caller Is that correct?

40:18 Aisha Tyler I still do stand up. Yeah, I'm a stand up.

40:21 Are you planning on doing any stand up in any comedy clubs in the near future?

40:24 Aisha Tyler Yeah. I'm dying to. Because I do two shows now, I shoot six days a week and I'm pooped. But I really want to do an HBO special or some special next year. So my plan is to get back into the clubs really, really soon. I work at the improv every once in a while on Melrose here in LA. Was I Latino for a minute? Melrose. I don't know where that came from. But you can check out my website, which is www.aiashatiler.com. That's www.aiashatiler.com. And that'll have my schedule. Like anytime I am going out, I always put it on there and you can come see me. Great.

40:54 Drew You can come to Frisco?

40:56 Aisha Tyler I'm from San Francisco. That's my hometown.

40:58 Adam He's calling from Frisco.

40:59 Aisha Tyler From Frisco. Sweet. Snap.

41:01 Adam He's not from Los Angeles.

41:02 Aisha Tyler Los Angeles. So yeah, keep an eye out because that's my hometown and I'd love to come back up and work the punchline sometime and I just don't get to travel that much, you know, but when Fifth Week goes on hiatus in the spring, I might try to take some time off.

41:15 Drew You had an illustrious career up in San Francisco in stand-up, didn't you?

41:18 Adam Yeah. I thought I would kill myself.

41:20 What's that?

41:22 Drew Oh, no, that's right. You almost drove off the great bridge.

41:24 Aisha Tyler Did you, Adam, did you do stand-up? I should know more about your life. I want to know right now.

41:28 Adam Ten minutes' worth and I...

41:30 Aisha Tyler Let me tell you that the first, like when you first start out, like the first five years of stand-up is just horrible.

41:35 Adam Yeah.

41:35 Aisha Tyler Yeah, but it gets better after that.

41:37 Adam Does it?

41:37 Aisha Tyler Yeah, if you can gut it out for the first five years it starts to get good.

41:40 Adam I never got to that point.

41:41 Aisha Tyler Yeah, stand-up is as much about just lasting as it is about being funny, I think. You got to gut it out. It's no fun, though.

41:49 Adam Yeah, you got to kind of log your minutes on stage.

41:51 Aisha Tyler Yeah, you do. You really do. And you reach that point, it's almost like a beating, where all of a sudden the beating kind of feels a little good, and that's when you're on your way. It was like when I started thinking it was funny when I got no laughs, I knew I was in a real community. I was like, uh-huh, nobody laughed at anything I said tonight. It was hilarious, just like that. And I tell all my friends about it, dude, I had the worst set of my life. It was great. If you can relish the worst parts of it, then it gets better after that.

42:15 Adam Yeah, I feel that about this job. Joey? Yeah. You're 25?

42:22 Aisha Tyler Yeah.

42:23 Caller Nobody's listening.

42:24 Adam What's wrong with you?

42:25 What's up, Drew?

42:27 Drew Hey, Joey, what's going on?

42:28 Caller Hey, man, I've had this problem. I'm 25 now. I've been running. I've been banging since I was about 15. And I just can't seem to stay with the same vagina. You know what I mean?

42:42 Adam How about mouth? Can you stick to the same mouth? It's not the same way.

42:45 Drew What if mouth and vagina came in the same organism?

42:49 Adam Oh, that's interesting.

42:50 Drew Yeah, an organism with a mouth and a vagina.

42:52 Adam Yeah, like something you could flip over with a mouth on one side, like a reversible windbreaker.

42:57 Aisha Tyler Then you'd never leave the house, and you'd have all kinds of wet sores.

43:00 Adam Yeah, I can't hang with the same vagina either, but I can't hang with the same mouth. It's the way I am, and it does present problems. Hey, Joey. Joey, turn your radio down, genius.

43:13 Drew Hey, Joey, I suspect you have trouble in relationships all around.

43:16 Caller Yes, I basically do.

43:17 Yeah. It's a big problem.

43:19 Caller I can't stay with the same one, you know.

43:21 Drew Yeah, it's not about staying.

43:22 Caller I don't care if fat, ugly.

43:25 Drew Here's what's going to happen.

43:26 Caller He's a blowhard.

43:27 Drew Here's what's going to happen to him. He's going to get involved with someone, and he's going to become like a stalker. When she wakes up to who he is and goes, enough of this, fat, now we have a stalker.

43:36 Adam Guys, let me just say something. Listen, there's a lot of you guys out there that are dicks, and you have no idea. I see you all over the place. The guys with the, you got like the Daryl Earnhardt belt buckle on a Daryl Waltrip belt buckle, and you got the boots, and you got the mullet hairdo, and you sound like Joey does, and everyone just reel it in just a little bit, please.

44:03 Caller Please.

44:04 Aisha Tyler Just for Adam, please take it down.

44:06 Adam Joey, Joey, just relax, okay?

44:09 Drew Calm down.

44:10 Adam Okay, thank you. Let's talk to Beverly.

44:15 Hi.

44:16 Adam You're 14, what's up?

44:18 Caller Yeah, I wanted to know, I've been taking Selexa for a while, and I've done marijuana a few times, and I wanna know if that can cause any problems.

44:27 Drew What does a few times mean?

44:28 Caller Like, three or four.

44:31 Drew No, it's gonna work against your Selexa a little bit, and if you do it once every couple of weeks, it might do something to a 14-year-old brain, and it certainly would, again, negate to some extent the Selexa, but three exposures, no, nothing.

44:45 Adam What's the Selexa for, depression?

44:47 Caller Depression, yeah.

44:48 Adam How are you doing?

44:50 Caller Better.

44:51 Drew Good.

44:51 Adam All right, so stick with that Selexa and don't smoke the weed.

44:54 Aisha Tyler Because pot can kind of have a depressive effect on a person, and you'd say we just counteract the drugs a little bit.

45:01 Adam How about brownies?

45:01 Aisha Tyler They make you depressed, too. If you're fighting, if you're trying to fight depression and you're taking a drug that depresses you, you're not really helping yourself.

45:07 Adam Oh, here's the policy. If you're on drugs, you can't take drugs. I mean, if you're being prescribed drugs, now you can no longer do drugs.

45:17 Drew Right.

45:17 Adam So it's one or the other.

45:18 Drew There you go.

45:19 Adam And I chose not to be prescribed drugs so that I was free to do drugs. That was my choice.

45:23 Drew That's nice.

45:24 Caller Well, I haven't felt any depression, like, after I took it.

45:27 Drew No, you're fine. You're fine. Three exposures. No big deal. But no more.

45:31 Don't smoke pot.

45:32 Adam All right. Let's say hi to Marco. Marco? Hi. Hey.

45:37 Caller How's it going?

45:38 Adam What's up? How often you get the Polo thing? A lot?

45:42 Caller Every time I meet someone new.

45:43 Adam Yeah.

45:44 Caller Sweet. What's up, Marco Polo?

45:45 Caller What's that?

45:46 Adam What's going on?

45:47 Caller I was wondering if a guy has a wart on one of his fingers, can he give gentle warts to a girl?

45:53 Drew It's a possibility, but it's not usually what happens.

45:55 Adam No, it's impossible.

45:57 Aisha Tyler Aren't they different?

45:58 Drew Yeah, they can be. They usually are.

46:00 Adam Impossible.

46:01 Caller So it can happen?

46:03 Aisha Tyler Don't just go rubbing your wart all over your girl's poon, but you know, I'm just saying, don't just try to have a little home experiment.

46:10 Drew Where do I use this station to finish school?

46:14 Aisha Tyler You don't understand I'm a comedian. All of my friends are guys, and occasionally the lexicon creeps in. The point is, just try to be, don't be rubbing it all on there. Right. Use a different finger.

46:24 Caller I mean, I don't do that.

46:26 Caller She just noticed that I have a worry on my finger. She got worried about it.

46:31 Adam She did? Is that your Poonin finger?

46:36 Caller Yeah, it just might be.

46:37 Adam It's good to keep one finger fresh for Poonin.

46:40 Aisha Tyler Yeah, you know, learn to be ambidextrous with the Poonin finger. You know, get another Poonin finger going. Switch them up.

46:45 Adam My Poonin finger, I always keep the nail trimmed.

46:49 Aisha Tyler I keep the cuticle pushed back.

46:51 Adam I buff the nail, and it smells of lilacs. The Poonin finger.

46:57 Aisha Tyler That's inviting to a girl. She's got a lilac smelling Poonfinger.

47:00 Adam You want to smell my Poonfinger?

47:01 Aisha Tyler No, thank you.

47:02 Caller I got one at home.

47:04 Adam All right, I bet it's not as good as mine.

47:07 Caller We may never know.

47:09 Adam My Poonfinger, it's almost new. It's got almost no mileage on it.

47:14 Drew This could be a new James Bond film.

47:28 Aisha Tyler All right, I couldn't think of anything that would rhyme.

47:29 Adam We'll take a little break, surely. And we'll be right back.

47:37 Hey, everybody.

47:38 Adam We're back with more Love Line. Tori Amos is going to be in here tomorrow night. Always a pleasure to see her. Who's here tonight? Oh, Aisha Tyler. Yes, a little brain freeze there.

47:50 Aisha Tyler Hey, I'm right here.

47:51 Adam There she is. Host of Talk Soup of course, on E all the time. I don't even know when the normal airing is. It's just on.

47:59 Aisha Tyler Actually, the normal airing is Monday, right after Howard at midnight, and then Tuesday through Friday at one o'clock.

48:06 Adam And it just seems...

48:08 Aisha Tyler And then other times.

48:09 Adam It's just on.

48:10 Aisha Tyler It's on.

48:11 Adam And Fifth Wheel, which is out here in Southern California, is on K-Cal 9 at five o'clock, Monday through Friday. And it's a syndicated show, but it's probably on...

48:23 Aisha Tyler It's on everywhere.

48:24 Adam Everywhere and somewhere between five and...

48:27 Aisha Tyler You know, it's usually five and like... Yeah, like it either comes on between like three and seven, or in some markets it comes on again, like around 11 or 12, like, you know, after the news.

48:37 Adam You can check your local listings on that.

48:40 Aisha Tyler Check it out. It's a... I think of all the dating shows, it's the most clever.

48:44 Adam Well, yeah, but you would think that...

48:46 Aisha Tyler Well, you know, actually I will say I'm clever, yes, but it's actually clever even when I'm not on the screen. It's a clever little show.

48:52 Adam Bo?

48:52 Yeah?

48:53 Adam You want to have a question for Aisha?

48:55 Well, I just wanted to comment on what she said about how she met her husband. Because I don't want guys to go out there thinking if they play the therapist role, it's going to work, because that's the worst thing you can do.

49:06 Aisha Tyler Well, if you really care about a girl, then you do it. If you're just trying to break it off, don't bother. No.

49:13 You just end up good friends then. I've seen it not work.

49:16 Drew We normally discourage that, Bo. You heard us talk about playing that role. We tell you guys not to do that.

49:20 Aisha Tyler Well, now, I'm not saying that if you like a girl, and I'm talking about a single girl. If you like a single girl, and you try to be your friend because you think you're eventually going to break off, don't bother. I'm not recommending that at all. I'm saying if you like a girl and she's with someone, and you go and you try to stick, you know, you try to stick yourself in there, you're going to get your nose cut off.

49:40 We kind of look at it that way anyway, we're trying to break somebody up.

49:43 Aisha Tyler So, but if you like, I would never say to a guy, oh, kick it with a girl and try to change her mind. That's a waste of everybody's time, and I won't lie to you. But, you know, in my case, he was a nice guy and he didn't try to push, and then it worked out, you know.

49:57 Drew We just see it as a diabolical quality of men.

50:00 Aisha Tyler What, that they try to be friends and then...

50:01 Drew They linger around, they wear like a lion in the brush, just waiting for the gazelle to break its ankle.

50:07 Aisha Tyler Ow!

50:08 Drew While women, the other hand, as soon as the gazelle is injured, they're like, fah.

50:12 Aisha Tyler Yes, this is true. As soon as the guy is weak, we're off to the bigger deal.

50:18 Caller Bigger day, right.

50:19 Aisha Tyler Yeah, I mean, no, and I really... I mean, it's true, women don't find that sexy, that we don't find lurking sexy.

50:26 Adam No, but if you do... If you lurk properly, you're not aware of the lurking.

50:30 Aisha Tyler Yeah, the lurking should be just...

50:31 Adam That's part of the lurking.

50:32 Aisha Tyler Yes, that's true. If you lurk like a Mac, you'll break off. If you lurk like a creep, then you'll just get smacked.

50:38 I think it could be done properly maybe 2% of the time.

50:42 Aisha Tyler Were you burned in this case?

50:43 No, I don't do it...

50:45 Adam All right, well, then quiet down. Both showing far too much interest in something he's not personally connected to. I don't know what his agenda is, but he doesn't seem to have one, so let's move on. Eric, you're 18, what's up?

50:59 Caller I had a question. I wanted to get with this girl and she's 23 and I'm 18.

51:05 Drew Does she want to get with you?

51:07 Caller Yeah, she totally digs me.

51:10 Caller She gives me attention and whatnot, and I'm like 5'8, 130, average guy. I want to know.

51:17 Adam Hold on, that's an average chick or average jockey.

51:23 Drew Also, I want to read the thought bubble over his head. What led to that?

51:28 Aisha Tyler The 5'8, 130?

51:29 Drew Yeah, why did he share that with us?

51:31 She dances, she's a dancer.

51:34 Drew You hang around?

51:36 Caller I'm actually a DJ and I met her at this party where she was breakdancing and from there I asked her her name.

51:45 Adam What year are we in? 1986, 1987? What year are we now? I got lost. The average size of a man was 130 pounds, breakdancing was in vogue. What period of history are we in?

51:56 Drew We're in 1280.

51:58 Aisha Tyler Crush Proving!

51:59 Adam 1280s and 1984.

52:00 Aisha Tyler Body moving.

52:03 Adam Yeah, you put that cardboard down and she does that.

52:06 Aisha Tyler Yeah.

52:07 Adam Listen, I like breakdancing, by the way. As a guy who can't dance, I appreciate that as a legitimate form of dancing.

52:14 Aisha Tyler It's making a comeback.

52:15 Adam Completely entertained by it. I love the spin on the head. Yeah, on the helmet. That's my favorite. I can do that, but I need two guys to help me. No, they actually hold my feet and walk in a circle while I complain about my head. It doesn't come across as good. Hey, Eric?

52:32 Caller Yeah.

52:33 Adam You know she likes you.

52:35 Caller Yeah.

52:35 Adam All right. So what's the problem?

52:38 Caller I'm trying different angles to try to get her attention.

52:41 Drew Well, wait a minute. I thought you said she liked you.

52:43 Caller Yeah, she likes me.

52:44 Drew Well, why do you have to get her attention? She's already into you.

52:47 Caller Actually, she lives in the other side of town.

52:49 Aisha Tyler Oh, boy.

52:50 Caller And it's hard for me to just get her down and hold her down and... Hold her down.

52:56 Adam You get some duct tape and a ether rag, you put her in the trunk of your car, you take her out to the woods.

53:00 Aisha Tyler Do you have a car?

53:02 Caller No.

53:03 Aisha Tyler Ah, see? This is the truth, is that you can't get to where she is and you can't get her to come to where you are.

53:08 Adam Well, the truth is she's not interested in Eric.

53:11 Aisha Tyler Well, maybe she does like you, but if you're five years younger than her and you don't have a car, you're kind of playing poker with no cards.

53:17 Adam Well, let me say this. The age difference can be overcome if you don't ride a moped and wear a wind up beanie. The whole thing is you could be a couple of years younger than a woman, but you have to look, seem, act, and have the tools of an older guy and then it's erased. But if you don't have a car, then it underscores it. You might as well be in junior high at this point.

53:40 Drew He is in high school.

53:41 Adam I was going to say, I corrected myself. I was saying high school and then I realized he's probably senior.

53:44 Aisha Tyler He's going to be pretty open-minded, but, you know, they don't want to babysit.

53:48 Adam Right. Hey, Eric, how far away from you does she live?

53:53 Caller Um, it would take me, like, a train ride.

53:57 Caller Oh, boy.

53:59 Aisha Tyler Find a nice, breaking girl in your own town.

54:01 Adam Hold on a second. How far away? Because you're in San Fran, right? Yeah. You've got the BART over there.

54:07 Caller Yeah.

54:07 Adam That doesn't mean anything. Where does she live?

54:09 Aisha Tyler What town does she live in?

54:10 Caller She lives in North Beach. I live in Bernal Heights.

54:13 Aisha Tyler Oh, that's not that far away. Get on the muni with your $5 pass having self.

54:19 Adam Eric, I think you're not... you don't believe that she likes you. Just go find out next time she's breakdancing, all right? Okay.

54:28 Drew All right. Bye.

54:29 Adam All right there, buddy.

54:31 Drew All right.

54:31 Adam I'm erroneous Eric over here.

54:32 Drew It's a fun question.

54:33 Adam Yeah. The guys are retards. I'm 5'1, 105 average size guy. I'm, you know, 18. I got this 23. She's hot for me.

54:44 Drew Never spoke to her.

54:45 Adam Yeah.

54:46 Aisha Tyler I see her making eyes though. You know, she act like she's not looking at me, but she's looking at me.

54:51 Adam I was going to ride my scooter over to her place and ring the little bell in the handlebars and she'd come down.

54:56 Aisha Tyler Not even like a moped, like the scooter, we have to start it with your foot.

54:59 Drew Yeah, the razor.

55:00 Adam I'm talking about the razor.

55:00 Aisha Tyler Exactly, the motorized razor.

55:02 Adam Tell us something about the apple crate that's nailed to the skateboard.

55:06 Aisha Tyler With the roller skate wheels on the bottom?

55:08 Adam Yeah, I'm talking back to the future here. All right. Evan?

55:13 Caller Yeah.

55:13 Adam You're 17?

55:14 Caller Yeah.

55:15 Adam What's up?

55:16 Caller I'll be going away to college probably next year in September. I'm either going out of state to Boulder or down to Southern California, and I live in Northern California, in fact, right outside San Francisco. My parents got divorced when I was seven years old. They live two miles apart now, but my dad remarried when I was 13. I resented my dad and my stepmom for the past four years and brought a lot of negative feelings into the house. Now that I'm going to go away for college, I'm starting to regret that I did all that for four years, and that I'm really going to miss that household.

55:49 Drew Good.

55:51 Caller Yeah, I know it's good.

55:51 Drew That's a healthy impulse.

55:53 Caller Yeah.

55:54 Adam So?

55:56 Caller I don't know how to present that to my parents and apologize to them, though, because it's like...

56:01 Adam Well, this is your dad and your stepmom.

56:03 Caller Yes.

56:04 Adam You don't have to make a formal declaration. Just be nice.

56:08 Drew Yeah, if they knew that you were happy and you'd had a change of your sort of attitude and that you were looking forward to your future and that you were sort of getting your ducks lined up, that'll make them happy.

56:19 Aisha Tyler And you know what? You can just tell them you love them and you're going to miss them.

56:21 Drew Yeah, that's it.

56:22 Caller That is it. That it boils down to another smaller thing too about my stepmom. I like them both, but my stepmom is really kind of the antithesis of what I am. She didn't go to college. She's not an intelligent person. My dad went to Cal Berkeley. He's a really smart guy. I've always thought that I don't think she was right for him. And if I lower myself to her, it's kind of like I'm submitting and I don't really want to give her that.

56:49 Drew Well, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't about you.

56:52 Adam You can punch that bitch in the stomach and move on.

56:56 Drew You need to accept. It's not about submitting. It's about accepting your dad as a separate person with his own separate...

57:02 Adam I thought this guy wanted to apologize.

57:03 Drew I know, but he's struggling with this. And your dad chose this person and that's what your dad did. That's him.

57:09 Adam What's up with your stepmom? Says she's not a genius.

57:12 Caller Well, it's not even that she's...

57:15 Adam Is she good looking?

57:17 Caller Did she what?

57:17 Adam Is she like a trophy wife?

57:20 Caller She's been a... She married... She was a maid of Alameda, which is like a beauty pageant winner. She married... Her first husband was 21 years older than her and she lived in a country club for 16 years. And then got divorced and married my dad.

57:33 Adam Gold digger.

57:35 Aisha Tyler Is that what you... Is that how you feel? Do you feel like she married your dad for money?

57:38 Caller I don't want to say that because I don't think... I mean, I think she's a nice person, but it's just her...

57:44 Adam Her... How old is she?

57:46 Caller I had... She's 43 now.

57:47 Adam Okay. And your dad, he was... You sound like you're upset about the divorce.

57:53 Caller Yeah.

57:53 Drew You were resentful of the stepmom trying to replace your mom.

57:57 Adam First off, you should be angry at your genius dad who dumped your mom and went out and got the ditzy trophy wife. So if you have anger, that's where it should be placed. Not at the person that he went and got, but the fact that he dumped your mom and went and got her. That's where the anger should be.

58:13 Aisha Tyler I think going away to college is a perfect time. My parents are divorced and when I went to school, I was really mad at my dad. I just realized that I was a grown up and he was a grown up and I could spend my whole life being pissed at him or I could just let it go and have my dad in my life in some capacity. The fact of the matter is, I think when you're younger, you think your parents are perfect. When you become an adult, you realize they're just like you and they screw up just like you and they make good and bad choices just like you. So if you want that anger out of your life, just let it go. Just let your dad be married to the broad you don't like and say, Is that one that he wants? Yeah, he wants to be with her. And even if he made a mistake, that's his mistake to make. And same go off to college and start drinking beer.

58:49 Drew It's not about you.

58:50 Adam I have the same story. I was pretty angry at Aisha's dad. He's good at that. When I went off to college, I started to be mad at my dad. He said, what about Aisha's dad? And I said, you're right.

59:01 Aisha Tyler That guy.

59:01 Adam He deflected and got pissed at him.

59:04 Drew Then your dad said, what about the college thing?

59:06 Aisha Tyler And then you said, oh, beer. I'm telling you, I was so much happier after I let all of that stuff go. And my relationship with my dad is so great now. And I don't, you don't go around judging your friends for who they get hook up with. So just let it go.

59:22 Drew You do, but you let it go.

59:23 Aisha Tyler But you let it go. If your buddy's hooking up with a hag or a really bitchy girl, you give him some trouble for it and then you let it go. You know, just let it go.

59:31 Adam Hey, Evan. Yeah, if you want to apologize, just apologize. But I say you don't have to do it formally. Just make nice for the next few months and then go off to college. But if you're angry, why don't you be angry at your dad for hooking up with this gold digger, right? And stop taking it out on her.

59:49 Caller Yeah, but I don't, I'm not angry at my dad. I mean, my dad is-

59:54 Adam I know you're angry at her.

59:55 Caller Well, I'm angry at the whole situation.

59:57 Aisha Tyler What does she mean to you?

59:58 Adam You sound angry at her.

1:00:01 Caller I am angry at her.

1:00:03 Aisha Tyler Did she do something to you?

1:00:04 Caller Well, what it is, it's the way I'm treated in the household. It's part of it, too. There's a whole bunch of little intangibles that go into it, but she brought three of her own kids to the marriage who were raised in a very, very rich family. And I, my mom, my dad weren't exactly a wealthy couple, and I wasn't raised in the kind of wealth that they were raised in. And there's a huge level of, there's a big injustice in the house where I'm treated differently than her kids are.

1:00:33 Adam All right. But you're going off to college. Who's paying for that?

1:00:36 Caller The Marines.

1:00:37 Adam Okay. Really? Why, you're ROTC?

1:00:41 Caller I'm an NROTC applicant, and I'm very excited about it.

1:00:44 Adam All right, listen, your dad's a joker. She's a gold digger. She's got these kids. She likes them more than you. Go off to college and forget about it.

1:00:52 Drew Yeah, just let it go.

1:00:53 Aisha Tyler You're going to be at school for three months, and you want to remember your parents' names.

1:00:57 Adam But he started off with, he wanted to apologize, and then he got into, I want to hire a drifter to kill my step mom. He's angry.

1:01:04 Drew He's struggling. He's on his way. He's doing okay.

1:01:07 Adam Don't think so much. Do a bong load and a crack like a Mickey's big mouth and go to the park.

1:01:14 Aisha Tyler 1987 was a good year.

1:01:16 Adam April?

1:01:17 Yes.

1:01:18 Adam You're 22?

1:01:19 Caller Yes, ma'am.

1:01:20 Adam What's up?

1:01:21 Caller Well, I want to let you know, I listen to your show all the time. Love it.

1:01:24 Adam Thank you.

1:01:25 Caller But I'm calling because I'm into porn. I've recently gotten into porn.

1:01:31 Drew You mean you watch it?

1:01:34 Caller No, I have always watched it.

1:01:36 Drew What do you mean always? Starting when?

1:01:39 Caller I'm sorry?

1:01:40 Drew How old were you when you first were exposed to it?

1:01:42 Caller Well, I started like on Cinemax. I was like eight.

1:01:45 Drew Yeah.

1:01:46 Caller But I started watching it when I was like 12 and was a virgin.

1:01:49 Drew That's a common history in people that get in porn is when there's a lot of that kind of material around the household.

1:01:55 Adam Well, are you doing?

1:01:57 Caller My parents were really good about not letting me see things. I saw them when my baby stairs were over.

1:02:00 Adam OK. Are you doing porn movies?

1:02:02 Caller Yeah, I make porn movies.

1:02:04 Adam You make them? You act in them?

1:02:06 Aisha Tyler You're a sex worker?

1:02:08 Caller I'm an actress.

1:02:09 Adam OK.

1:02:10 Caller But I haven't made that many and I don't do it for the money. And I'm wondering if I'm seriously messed up in the head if I like need counseling.

1:02:19 Adam What are you doing for the craft service?

1:02:22 Caller I have so much fun. I really do.

1:02:25 Adam Oh, really?

1:02:25 Aisha Tyler Having sex with strangers?

1:02:27 Caller I'm sorry?

1:02:28 Aisha Tyler Having sex with strangers is fun?

1:02:31 Caller It's not so much with strangers. I just really enjoy having sex. I like being videotaped.

1:02:38 Adam Stinking whore. You get off on it. Yeah. How do you feel about your dad?

1:02:47 Caller Well, I told my dad what I did.

1:02:50 Adam Oh, so you hate him.

1:02:52 Caller No, no. He actually supported me. He was really angry at first.

1:02:57 Caller Yeah, but...

1:02:58 Caller He's like, why are you doing this?

1:03:00 Drew We're not asking what his reaction was. We're asking what you feel about him, what he did to you when you were growing up.

1:03:08 Caller Well, it's... He left me and my mom, but... And I was raised by my stepdad. Then he came back into my life and apologized and...

1:03:18 Drew No, no. Forget the present.

1:03:19 Adam Too little, too late.

1:03:20 Drew Yeah, too late.

1:03:21 Adam Payback time for pops. And by the way, this is... Fellas, you neglect your little girl.

1:03:28 Drew This is what happens.

1:03:28 Adam Yeah. Fellas, you screw with your son. Maybe he does a radio show and calls you a pussy. A big puss. You hear me, you pussy? That's the worst thing you're going to get. But you screw your girl, she does porn and then tells you about it. So you're angry at your dad, right?

1:03:46 Caller Yeah, I was. The kid is growing up.

1:03:48 Adam Well, so now you've paid him back.

1:03:50 Drew You've figured out a way to act that out now.

1:03:53 Adam So now what?

1:03:53 Caller Is that what I'm doing? Should I go to counseling and stop this?

1:03:55 Adam I'd say so.

1:03:56 Drew Don't stop.

1:03:57 Adam Just go to counseling.

1:03:58 Drew You're going to have trouble having real relationship with men. It's going to be very difficult for you.

1:04:04 Caller I used to be clingy. I couldn't be alone before.

1:04:06 Drew That is a very bad sign.

1:04:08 Adam And here's the deal. I know a lot of people are listening going, oh boy, she's mad at daddy. We hear that every time. And these guys say that every call and all that. The fact that you told him is the part that makes us know that. And you did your work. I mean, he hurt you. You hurt him. Now you're continuing to hurt yourself to hurt him or to act something out. And why do it? It's dragging you down.

1:04:38 Caller I'm really big on family, so I'm only doing it for a short time.

1:04:41 Aisha Tyler The longer you do it, the more you hurt your chances of having any kind of a normal family life or any kind of normal relationship with a man who would stick around long enough to help you raise your kids.

1:04:54 Drew Do you have panic attacks or depression?

1:04:57 Caller No, I don't have panic attacks. I don't have depression. I'm a real people person. I used to have depression when I was younger, and I went to counseling for a while and talked. Talked with a counselor. She wasn't exactly a therapist. She was a child counselor for support. She told me to just talk out what I felt, whether it was justified in feeling it or not. She said to just talk.

1:05:21 Drew All right, that's good. That's a start.

1:05:23 Caller I was mad at my mom. I had to tell her that I was mad at you for this.

1:05:26 Drew Yeah, but there's problems you have with your sense of yourself. This feeling of emptiness and lack of an understanding of who you are and the feeling of being unable to be alone. Those are all signs that you need some more work.

1:05:37 Aisha Tyler Maybe also getting some kind of personal value. I mean, I think sometimes people do this, so they think it makes them feel valuable. This is not meaningful work. It's completely interchangeable. In fact, the longer you do it, the less value you have in your own eyes and the eyes of others. And you're just diminishing your worth by doing this. And in the end, you're going to be all used up.

1:06:05 Adam Well, I don't want to deny you, but your stock has gone up in my book.

1:06:09 Caller You keep going, baby.

1:06:12 Adam John.

1:06:13 Caller Hey, guys.

1:06:14 Adam Hey, 27. What's up?

1:06:16 Caller Aisha.

1:06:17 Aisha Tyler Hey, what's up?

1:06:18 Caller Hey, it's good to see you being the host of the new show. I didn't think they would get anyone to actually replace you that would do the job.

1:06:25 Aisha Tyler Thank you.

1:06:26 Caller Got a quick Adam Corolla impression here.

1:06:28 Adam Hold on. What does that mean? They wouldn't get me one, two?

1:06:30 Aisha Tyler It means replace John.

1:06:31 Caller Well, it was John Henson was the man.

1:06:33 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:06:33 Caller And by the way, Adam, when are you going to host Saturday Night Live? This show is dragging you down. You're such a big star after that. Hugh Happner.

1:06:39 Adam Yeah.

1:06:41 Caller You were the star of the Hugh Happner's Fire for Us. If you don't know that, I'm sure you do.

1:06:44 Adam No, I don't know that. Thank you. I thought Jimmy was the star. That was a wonderful job.

1:06:48 Caller No, Jimmy was great, but the jizz rag?

1:06:51 Oh, yeah.

1:06:52 Caller That pushed you over the top.

1:06:53 Adam Stroke of genius.

1:06:55 Aisha Tyler Oh, inspiration from the muses.

1:06:56 Caller Although your father, Mr. Gilbert Godfrey, with the joke with, you know, the whole joke with your wife.

1:07:08 Adam Yeah, he was very funny, I thought.

1:07:10 Caller Yeah, he was great.

1:07:10 Aisha Tyler Anyway.

1:07:11 Adam Go ahead.

1:07:12 Caller Quick Adam Corolla impression. Hey, all you guys, you know, banging your daughters and wear your daughter's thombacks, kill yourself.

1:07:23 Adam Oh, with the F word there. John.

1:07:25 Drew John is a jack-off.

1:07:27 Adam I like John.

1:07:28 Drew Give me a compliment.

1:07:29 Aisha Tyler And then he turned on you.

1:07:33 Drew You don't want a compliment from this guy, all right?

1:07:34 Adam He used the F word on the air. All right. All right.

1:07:39 Aisha Tyler That's just like basic cable.

1:07:40 Adam Should we take a break? No, no. Let's, uh, no. Break. Come on. Let's talk to one more person. I don't want to go out with the F word there. Yeah. Kathy? Hey. Hey, you're 22. What's going on?

1:07:52 Caller I'm actually 17, but...

1:07:54 Adam Oh, I don't know why I said that.

1:07:56 Drew You were still there with John. You're still enamored with John.

1:07:58 Adam John's 27, though. Oh, well. I'm going to get 22. All right. Go ahead.

1:08:02 Aisha Tyler Yeah. I just recently started birth control about a week ago, and I just switched tablets. So I'm on her prairie or a prairie or something. I was on ortho tricycle. And now my hands are kind of blue, and that started about two days ago.

1:08:17 Drew They feel cold?

1:08:18 Aisha Tyler Yeah, they're cold all the time. And my feet were doing it earlier today.

1:08:21 Adam How's the stink finger? What's the finger?

1:08:25 Aisha Tyler The poon finger.

1:08:25 Adam The poon finger. Is that blue too?

1:08:28 Drew You have no nose to heart murmurs?

1:08:31 Aisha Tyler Not that I know of.

1:08:32 Drew And no rheumatologic problems of any type?

1:08:35 Caller No.

1:08:36 Drew No other medication you're taking?

1:08:37 Caller No.

1:08:37 Aisha Tyler That's the only one.

1:08:39 Drew Did you call your doctor about this?

1:08:40 Caller Not yet.

1:08:41 Aisha Tyler I'm in for an exam tomorrow.

1:08:43 Drew It's kind of a strange side effect. I imagine it's just vascular constriction, and that's why it's getting cold and blue. But there can be blue extremities can be a sign of heart problems too.

1:08:53 Adam Have you been eating Skittles?

1:08:55 Aisha Tyler Not lately.

1:08:56 Adam Okay. I'm out.

1:08:57 Drew M&M's.

1:08:57 Aisha Tyler That was it.

1:08:59 Adam M&M's. Yeah. Hey, Kathy. You're going to the doctor tomorrow, right?

1:09:04 Aisha Tyler Yeah.

1:09:05 Adam Okay. How's the boyfriend doing?

1:09:07 Aisha Tyler He's doing all good.

1:09:08 Adam How old is he?

1:09:09 Aisha Tyler He's 19.

1:09:10 Adam All right. You sound like an old soul for 17.

1:09:14 Aisha Tyler I don't know. I guess I've been listening to you since like seventh grade. So.

1:09:17 Adam All right. Are you doing all right?

1:09:18 Aisha Tyler It's age.

1:09:18 Drew It's age.

1:09:19 Adam I'm talking about you're mature. You haven't you've seen a lot in your young years.

1:09:24 Aisha Tyler Not really.

1:09:25 Adam Everything's good.

1:09:26 Aisha Tyler Yeah.

1:09:26 Adam Okay. Good to hear it. Go to the doctor tomorrow.

1:09:30 Drew Don't worry about it right now. Let him examine you.

1:09:32 Adam All right.

1:09:33 Thanks. All right.

1:09:34 Adam Good times. I bet she dies in her sleep.

1:09:36 Drew No, no, she won't.

1:09:37 Adam Nice. Okay. We're going to take a little break. Aisha Tyler's here from Talk Soup and Fifth Wheel. Say, documentary on trailers.

1:09:49 Caller We're going to take a little break.

1:09:50 Aisha Tyler We'll be back.

1:09:52 Okay, guys, this is Brooke Burke and you're listening to Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew on Love Line.

1:09:59 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Love Line. I'm Adam Corolla. It's Dr. Drew. Aisha Tyler's our guest tonight from Talk Soup on the fabulous Thongback E Network and also Fifth Wheel, the world's best dating show.

1:10:12 Aisha Tyler It is. It's the best dating show on TV, bar none.

1:10:15 Adam In a sea of dating shows.

1:10:17 Aisha Tyler And there is a sea. There's a maelstrom.

1:10:19 Adam This is a shining buoy floating in a sea of putrid dating shows.

1:10:25 Aisha Tyler It's just pure, raw and adulterated entertainment. And as that, it's very fun and fun to watch. It's a funny show. I mean, what do you watch a dating show just to laugh your butt off?

1:10:36 Adam I do it to jack off.

1:10:37 Aisha Tyler There you go. You know, you could watch my network.

1:10:39 Adam But then I laugh when I'm done beating off. I laugh at myself.

1:10:42 Aisha Tyler At the same time, you can't decide, you know, your rhythm gets off because you're giggling.

1:10:46 Adam Well, I got this new thing. I feel ashamed to even talk about it.

1:10:50 Aisha Tyler But here it comes.

1:10:52 Adam I have these new things. They're semen cutouts. I actually take it. It's like a placemat.

1:10:58 Like a Rorschach test?

1:10:59 Adam Well, it's not a Rorschach. I do like a Stardavid. I did like Abe Lincoln's profile and stuff.

1:11:05 That's creative.

1:11:05 Drew You cut out the semen pattern? I just make you splash it down.

1:11:09 Adam Yeah, it's like a stencil.

1:11:11 Aisha Tyler Like a silhouette. Fingerpaint?

1:11:13 Adam Yeah, I use the semen to make the silhouette.

1:11:16 Aisha Tyler Like a daguerreotype.

1:11:17 Adam Like a stencil. Then I pull away the stencil. There it is.

1:11:20 Aisha Tyler I see. That's lovely.

1:11:22 Adam Yeah, it's new and fresh. I'm impressed.

1:11:24 Drew Why your shame?

1:11:25 Aisha Tyler What's nice is that you're putting your self-abuse to good use.

1:11:28 Drew And with the patriotic tone to it, it's nice. Yes.

1:11:31 Aisha Tyler Oh, Lincoln. You could do all the presidents. In the weekend. If you stayed in for a weekend, you could get all the presidents.

1:11:38 Adam I could do that on Friday.

1:11:40 Aisha Tyler Nice.

1:11:41 Adam I tried to do...

1:11:42 Aisha Tyler There's a guy with forearm strength.

1:11:43 Adam The whole Don't Tread On Me flag. They're called belly stencils. You tape them to your belly and then you...

1:11:49 Aisha Tyler What happened to the old sock?

1:11:51 Adam What you do is you then you shine a black light on it. It's great.

1:11:55 Yes.

1:11:55 Aisha Tyler And you get like a black love or maybe puppies playing poker on your stomach.

1:11:59 Yeah.

1:12:00 Adam Well, again, with the stencils and the pens, how virile you are and that kind of stuff.

1:12:04 Drew I see there could be a line you do on felt too.

1:12:06 Aisha Tyler Yes.

1:12:07 Adam Oh, you put a felt liner there.

1:12:08 Aisha Tyler Then you do one of the black light posters.

1:12:10 Adam Right. Interesting.

1:12:11 Aisha Tyler Black love with the palm trees, you know?

1:12:14 Adam That's right.

1:12:14 Aisha Tyler Yes, absolutely.

1:12:15 Caller Hot looking black chick top, with the afro underneath.

1:12:19 Aisha Tyler You ever seen those little black love posters? I always said make them with an afro, kind of a foxy brown.

1:12:24 Adam She, well, also, they put them.

1:12:27 Aisha Tyler That's our legacy.

1:12:28 Adam They had them riding like black panthers and stuff.

1:12:31 Aisha Tyler Yes, like a stride or a horse or a leopard. Absolutely. A black leopard or a black panther. Yeah. Which was symbolic in many ways.

1:12:39 Adam Well, I mean, and don't take any offenses.

1:12:42 Aisha Tyler No, as you can see, I'm very hard to offend.

1:12:44 Adam With the black chicks, I think they put them in sort of an African theme.

1:12:47 Aisha Tyler Oh, that was the vibe, absolutely.

1:12:49 Adam And like the Mexican chicks, they got a different, they got like an Inca, a Mayan, kind of god. No, they don't put them.

1:12:55 Caller How dare you?

1:12:57 Aisha Tyler Oh, it's okay for my people.

1:13:01 Adam No, they, the Mex, see, the Mex, they do the Aztec goddess thing. They do the being sacrificed or the headdress.

1:13:08 Aisha Tyler Naked, but with the headdress.

1:13:09 Adam Nip, topless and headdress.

1:13:10 Aisha Tyler Yes, or like the little loincloth with the Aztec print and then the boobs.

1:13:15 Drew Absolutely.

1:13:16 Aisha Tyler The boobs are always there, regardless of culture.

1:13:19 Adam Robert, you're 30. See, Aisha said the Mexians were drunk and passed out.

1:13:26 Aisha Tyler I didn't say all, there was a burro, that's all there was.

1:13:28 Adam Is there any across the burdo?

1:13:30 Caller Is there an Asian version of this?

1:13:33 Adam Asian, where is it? She's just sitting, she's doing some calculations on an animal.

1:13:39 Aisha Tyler But naked?

1:13:40 Adam No, fully dressed.

1:13:40 Aisha Tyler Oh, okay. I thought maybe she could be naked and throwing a ninja star or something. That could be kind of sexy.

1:13:46 Drew What would the animal be, though?

1:13:48 Caller Panda?

1:13:52 Adam Yeah, rat or rat or tiger, whatever year it is, I'm guessing.

1:13:59 Drew It's so wrong.

1:14:01 Adam Robert?

1:14:02 Caller Yeah. I was calling, I wanted to hear, how you should do her Irish impersonation.

1:14:07 Drew As long as we're getting to the ethnicities, we're going to do it.

1:14:10 Aisha Tyler Which impression is that?

1:14:12 Caller The Irish guy. You were talking like an Irish guy on the show.

1:14:14 Aisha Tyler Was I? My impressions are, I'm happy you're obliged, but my impressions are horrible and they all end up devolving into some kind of combination of Chinese and Mexican. I always end up being Chinese no matter how I start out.

1:14:27 Adam But it's hard not to go there though, like a dominant ethnicity in terms of language.

1:14:32 Aisha Tyler Yeah, no matter how I start out, it's always Chinese at the end. And I can't remember what the, now I'm like his Spanish. I don't even know, I don't even remember what the Irish guy was.

1:14:40 Adam Well, say something like what the Lucky Charms guy would say.

1:14:45 Aisha Tyler It was always after me, Lucky Charms. Crunchy old cereal with sweet surprises. See, and then it's Popeye. And I don't know how I got to Popeye, but...

1:14:53 Adam Popeye had some mick in him.

1:14:55 Aisha Tyler Oh, Sean Bigora, Aisha's a horrible, horrible impressionist.

1:14:59 Caller Yeah, no, that's solid.

1:15:00 Adam See, as soon as you say the Lucky Charms...

1:15:02 Aisha Tyler It puts you there. It puts you there every time.

1:15:05 Adam Hey, Robert?

1:15:06 Caller Yeah.

1:15:06 Adam You all right?

1:15:07 Caller Yeah, I was, I was watching the E... I never watched that show until she, until Aisha got on there. I didn't like it, but now she's on there, it's really funny.

1:15:17 Aisha Tyler Thank you. That's really nice of you.

1:15:19 Caller Good.

1:15:20 Aisha Tyler And check out my other show too, if you get a chance.

1:15:23 Caller What is that?

1:15:24 Aisha Tyler It's called The Fifth Wheel. It's in syndication, so you got to look it up in the TV Guide, but it's a dating show from people who do blind date.

1:15:31 Caller They don't have any black people on there?

1:15:33 Aisha Tyler Black folks all the time. They just can't get enough of the black folks. Actually, we were, we just are getting ready to shoot some shows this Saturday. And there was a whole date, all black folks. And we had our first mixed date the other day, which was like, you know, oh, snap, said all the writers, as if it was 1982. Yeah, so there's a lot of black people on the show.

1:15:51 Adam Well, you got Aisha, too, who's black.

1:15:53 Aisha Tyler And you always have me every single time, although I won't be dating, but I will say sarcastic things about it.

1:15:59 Adam Okay, cool.

1:15:59 Aisha Tyler Check it out.

1:16:00 Adam All right, Robert.

1:16:01 Aisha Tyler Thanks for coming.

1:16:01 Adam Yeah, us white people can be entertaining too sometimes, you know.

1:16:05 Aisha Tyler Oh, yes.

1:16:07 Adam Okay.

1:16:08 Aisha Tyler In small doses.

1:16:09 Caller Damn, bitch.

1:16:13 Adam All right, let's talk to Louise or Louis. Louise?

1:16:19 Caller Hello?

1:16:20 Adam Louis?

1:16:21 Caller Yeah.

1:16:21 Adam You're 13. What's up?

1:16:23 Caller Yeah, I want to know why I always have boners.

1:16:28 Drew When? All the time?

1:16:30 Yeah, it's like when I'm watching TV, I got a boner.

1:16:33 Drew Yeah, it's awful growing up, isn't it?

1:16:35 Aisha Tyler You know, even when you're grown up, that'll probably still happen.

1:16:38 Drew Yeah, well, growing up, but then there's the downside after about 21, you start slipping. You wish for this again, Louis.

1:16:43 Aisha Tyler But a lot of guys watch you get boners.

1:16:45 Drew Yeah, and the awful part is it starts happening like a math class when you have to get to the board and stuff.

1:16:50 Aisha Tyler Yeah, yeah.

1:16:51 Drew Yeah. Well, you're not alone.

1:16:53 Aisha Tyler No, it's normal.

1:16:54 Adam Yeah. He doesn't sound like his sack is dropped either.

1:16:58 Drew He's sitting there.

1:16:58 Adam Wait till he gets going.

1:17:00 Drew Yeah.

1:17:01 Adam Louis? Do you watch EE seriously? You watch all the Wild On and stuff? No, not really.

1:17:07 Drew Yeah, but don't.

1:17:08 Aisha Tyler It's going to make it worse.

1:17:09 Adam Yeah, it's going to be a lot worse. You'll end up breaking your boner on the TV screen like that.

1:17:15 Aisha Tyler A broken boner sounds so forlorn.

1:17:20 Adam Painful. Very painful. What?

1:17:21 Drew You went up to the TV and tried to enter the TV.

1:17:25 Aisha Tyler I did say hello to Brooke.

1:17:27 Adam There was a jack for headphones and I thought I could just make it.

1:17:31 Drew You just saw the word jack and you thought that's it.

1:17:34 Aisha Tyler That's for me.

1:17:35 Adam I said done and done.

1:17:37 Aisha Tyler Done and done. But I think, like, you know, guys, my age get boners all the time. It's just the car revving up, isn't it?

1:17:44 Drew Well, younger, though, it's just constant exposure.

1:17:47 Aisha Tyler All the time. And you don't know what to do with it because you don't know how to, like...

1:17:50 Drew There's nothing to be done.

1:17:51 Aisha Tyler Yeah, can't you do, like, you know, think about your grandma naked or something?

1:17:54 Drew And even if they do something with it, once they figure that out, it's back again.

1:17:57 Aisha Tyler Back up again.

1:17:59 Adam Now is...

1:18:01 Aisha Tyler Tell them not to wear loose pants.

1:18:02 Adam As an older gent. And Drew, you tell me, be honest. Now, you get the one in the morning still, right?

1:18:07 Drew Yeah.

1:18:07 Adam But during the day?

1:18:09 Drew No.

1:18:09 Adam No deal, right?

1:18:10 Drew No deal.

1:18:10 Adam Right. Do you ever get...

1:18:12 Drew Just what I'm here with you.

1:18:12 Aisha Tyler I don't even know why I'm asking you this because I'm supposed to be like a polite girl showing my show, but do guys, like, you know, older guys get, like, the whole kind of half chubby, like, just like you look at someone and then it goes back down?

1:18:24 Adam You know, like, you know, why? You know why? Because you start doing the math, like you see a hot looking chick.

1:18:31 Aisha Tyler It's not nothing's going to result.

1:18:32 Drew Right.

1:18:33 Adam Yeah. Oh, I bet she's a pain in the ass. She's got a deep emotional problem. She's probably scarred. If we ever did get together, I'd probably be like a father.

1:18:40 Aisha Tyler You're trying to cut your arm off to get out of the bed.

1:18:42 Drew That makes you lose it right there.

1:18:44 Adam She'd probably soak me forever in my last dime. Then we'd get divorced. She'd end up sleeping with one of my friends. The penis never gets moving.

1:18:52 Aisha Tyler Never, not even for a moment.

1:18:53 Adam No, but when you were young, you'd have these crazy fantasies.

1:18:57 Aisha Tyler I think the best thing that I remember, there was a guy when I was in the eighth grade who's 13, and he had a boner every day.

1:19:03 Adam Oh, you knew about it.

1:19:04 Aisha Tyler Because he would wear sweatpants. So my advice to Louis is just to wear jeans because you can always stuff the boner back down into the hidden recesses of the denim. But when you have sweatpants or anything loose, there's nothing to be done.

1:19:17 Adam No, absolutely. And at 13, denim is good enough to hold that boner back. I just had another idea.

1:19:24 Aisha Tyler Adam has to wear steel underpants.

1:19:26 Drew No, he broke his on the television long ago. It's not working at all. No, it just bends right over there.

1:19:31 Adam Actually, steel is not going to work because it breaks down. I mean, it gets rusty in there. I have to switch to an alloy composite material, something like aluminum or...

1:19:41 Drew Calvanized steel...

1:19:43 Adam .magnesium or something like that. But here's... I just came up with this idea. Remember those... My parents were like cheap idiots and we used to go to JC. Penney's to go shopping. And they'd get me the Super Denim jeans with the reinforced knees.

1:19:59 Aisha Tyler The tough skins, right? Where they were like, you could beat a man to death.

1:20:01 Adam The dudes in the tough skins would make fun of the guys with the Super Denim jeans on. They had Super Denim, the robot, used to have them. And that's, by the way, this is really why I'm in therapy and I hate my parents. Because for another buck fifty, I could have been wearing the Levi's like a human being, but now we had to go with the Super Denim. Just so everyone knew. Before they thought we were poor, now they know, because I'm wearing the shiny Super Denim of poverty. And they ought to reinforce the crotch on these things, because the guys who wear them are like age 10 through 15. And that's really when you get the unexpected boner. And the reinforced knee is fine and all, you know, for tackle football and BJ's and stuff like that. But how about enforcing that crotch? I think you could market these pants.

1:20:48 Drew You could probably design it such a way that could even sort of guide the...

1:20:52 Aisha Tyler Like a little pocket...

1:20:52 Adam .in your ass.

1:20:54 Aisha Tyler Like a little pocket where we just keep it held there.

1:20:57 Drew Keep it down.

1:20:57 Adam Yeah.

1:20:58 Aisha Tyler Like a little...

1:20:59 Adam I'll tell you guys, shift the penis up. Drew disagrees with this, I believe, but the boner needs... It needs resistance and it ends up pushing against it.

1:21:10 Drew But you're...

1:21:11 Adam Okay, listen. Just shut up and listen to me say.

1:21:13 Drew You're giving the move for a guy with a small penis.

1:21:15 Adam No, how dare you? How dare you, Drew?

1:21:18 Drew You're trying to humiliate me in front of Aisha.

1:21:21 Adam That's clearly attracted to me. That's the problem with that move. Hey, listen. Everyone just listen to me, listen to me. Everyone listen. Fabulous. Your penis is flaccid and is hanging down. It is facing your ankles, right? And you're wearing the jeans. And it becomes engorged.

1:21:41 Aisha Tyler Engorged with blood, as we learned on PBS.

1:21:44 Adam You start getting aroused and it starts pushing up. Now, what happens, and I think I speak for all penises when I say this, it goes unabated for an inch or so and then it runs into the gene and that starts giving it some resistance. And once it feels that, it starts pushing against it. This is why you get the erection oftentimes when you're lying on your stomach. A lot of guys not going to bed, but if you take your 15 year old guy and tell him to lie down on the carpet on his belly, he's going to get a boner. He feels the pressure. So it starts pushing up against your jeans. And the more the jeans hold, the harder the penis pushes. It's some sort of tug of war battle of wills, you see? So much. Now, now, what you can do is, if you're smooth about it, and this doesn't work with a tucked in shirt, by the way.

1:22:33 Drew No.

1:22:34 Adam You have to have, you know, wearing like a flannel shirt hanging out of your jeans.

1:22:37 Drew Okay, I missed the part.

1:22:38 Adam Slide the hand down very quickly. Pull the penis up to the upward position against your belly. Now there's nowhere for the penis to push because it doesn't, when it's up against your belly, it can no longer push in, it'll go in you.

1:22:50 Drew But the pants are still pushing against the...

1:22:52 Adam The pants are pushing against the back side of the penis, but it's going the wrong way. The penis doesn't resist downward, it's just upward.

1:23:00 Drew It's still just like the guy lying on his belly, it can create some...

1:23:02 Adam No, the guy lying on his belly, oh, when it's pushed up against, yeah, but...

1:23:07 Drew A little bit. Not much.

1:23:09 Adam And the blood will start heading down.

1:23:11 Drew There's a rim here that...

1:23:13 Adam Listen, listen, brainiac, the blood will start trickling out, it will kill the boner, and it's not noticeable when it's up in your waistband and your shirt's hanging out.

1:23:21 Aisha Tyler Because I think, you know, you can... Sometimes you can see if a guy's got a boner down the leg of his pants, but if all young boys in the land would wear tight jeans and a baggy shirt...

1:23:29 Adam Right here is where you see that boner.

1:23:31 Aisha Tyler Adam is giving us a visual demonstration now.

1:23:33 Adam Taste it right there.

1:23:35 Aisha Tyler He's got it between his thumb and forefinger.

1:23:39 Adam But the... All right, Drew, you know I'm a genius with the belly idea. I dare you.

1:23:42 Aisha Tyler It seems to make sense in theory.

1:23:45 Adam Thank you. We'll take ourselves a little break and we'll be right back. Got a little more Loveline to go. I like this riff too. Is this Pennywise or Uba Stank? Uba Stank, that's what.

1:24:07 Aisha Tyler Can I just tell you that the Uba was so vintage Def Leppard. I'm sorry. Vintage Def Leppard or maybe a little early Van Halen is what I was smelling. That's early Van Halen right there.

1:24:19 Adam Well, early Halen is what the crowd likes to say.

1:24:23 Aisha Tyler Early Halen. What's sad is that I own some early Halen.

1:24:27 Caller Nothing wrong with the early Halen.

1:24:31 Drew Nobody was involved with early Halen as early as I was. They played at a prom that I went to in La Cagnata in 1972.

1:24:39 Caller That's excellent.

1:24:40 Adam Two or three.

1:24:41 Drew That's so excellent.

1:24:43 Adam Well, Van Halen is from the Pasadena area and so is Drew. So it makes sense that when they were getting started, you were in high school and there they were and there you were.

1:24:55 Aisha Tyler I saw Bon Jovi open for the Scorps in, let's see, 1983. What? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I'm not talking to you. But was that? That was not a real person. No. No. Okay, good. It was disturbing.

1:25:07 Adam Yeah.

1:25:07 Aisha Tyler I saw them open for the Scorps and they were like, they were like, man, these dudes are posers, man. Look at all that hair. Like that's how I talked when I was in the eighth grade. These dudes are posers, man.

1:25:16 Adam Drew, Drew, you saw, you saw Al Joles, Joles, didn't you?

1:25:22 Aisha Tyler He saw Bessie Smith in her early days.

1:25:24 Adam He opened for Bessie Smith today?

1:25:26 Aisha Tyler All right.

1:25:27 Drew He was the jazz singer.

1:25:28 Adam Aisha Tyler is our guest tonight. Talk soup, fifth wheel.

1:25:32 Aisha Tyler Check them out.

1:25:33 Adam Check your local listings and let's talk to Babette. Babette?

1:25:38 Caller Hello?

1:25:39 Adam Seventeen. What's up?

1:25:42 Caller Well, I like, I'm kind of obsessed with money. And like, I want, like, I'm kind of pretty. So I've thought about, like, doing stripping to, like, make money, like, once I turn 18.

1:25:56 Adam Okay. Spend, spend your first 20 bucks on a phone. Would you please?

1:26:01 Drew Are you thinking about prostituting yourself, too?

1:26:03 Caller No.

1:26:04 Drew So you won't do, quote, anything for money?

1:26:07 Caller No, no, nothing.

1:26:08 Caller Okay.

1:26:09 Adam And what kind of stripping? Topless or bottomless?

1:26:13 Caller Both.

1:26:14 Caller Both?

1:26:15 Caller He fathered.

1:26:16 Caller Both?

1:26:17 Caller Yeah.

1:26:18 Adam Okay. What's up? Where's your daddy? Everything okay?

1:26:21 Caller Um, I don't know my dad, actually. My mom was a prostitute.

1:26:26 Drew There we go.

1:26:27 Okay.

1:26:29 Adam Yeah.

1:26:30 All right.

1:26:30 Caller I was, yeah, I was like molested by my stepdad.

1:26:34 Drew Well, this is sort of the...

1:26:36 Caller But it's not, it's like, to me, it's not like a thing like that.

1:26:40 Drew Well, but bet, but it is. I know you don't feel that way, but it is, that you sort of fit a profile.

1:26:44 Adam What happened with your stepdad, by the way? Did you prosecute him?

1:26:48 Caller Um, my mom wouldn't prosecute him, so he only went to jail for six months. It was, it was back before, like, right before all the big court things came in for rape.

1:27:00 Drew Somebody must have prosecuted him, though, for him to go to jail, right?

1:27:02 Caller Yeah, well, my grandma called the cops. And we, like, went over to my grandma's house. But my mom, like, the only evidence they had was that I knew what a condom looked like, and that I took two dolls and mashed them together.

1:27:16 Drew All right, be that as it may.

1:27:17 Adam How old were you?

1:27:18 Caller I was three until I was six.

1:27:21 Drew Oh, my God.

1:27:21 Adam And he used a condom?

1:27:24 Caller Yeah, I guess. I don't remember. But when I read over my court report, it said...

1:27:28 Adam Oh, okay. Hey, listen, baby. Where's this guy now?

1:27:32 Caller Um, he's... I don't know. He was an illegal alien from Peru. He actually molested two girls down there.

1:27:39 Adam Oh, well, listen, who are we to judge their culture? That's a cultural thing. Let's not judge. And your mom, where is she?

1:27:48 Caller Um, she's doing okay. I don't know. She was on drugs most of my life, and she lives in Fairfield, I think.

1:27:56 Drew But, Babette, the way to solve all this, though, is not to go become a stripper. It's to work on this trauma.

1:28:02 Caller Where, where?

1:28:03 Caller Well, I've been in therapy since I was, like, seven.

1:28:05 Drew All right.

1:28:06 Caller Good. I mean, I've had, like, I've been in group homes, and I've done a lot of, like, I've worked through all my issues.

1:28:11 Drew No, no, no.

1:28:13 Adam Where, so where are you living now?

1:28:15 Caller I'm in a foster home. I've been in foster homes since I was about, like, eight.

1:28:18 Adam Okay. So, Babette, here's the deal. I rarely agree with Drew, but, you know, if we do agree, man, we must be right. This is still more acting out based on your horrible mom, and I'm sure she had some horrible things done to her when she was young, and she in turn hooked up with someone who did horrible things to her daughter, and now you're gonna do horrible things to yourself, and then, God willing, hook up with a guy who'll do horrible things to your daughter, and it'll just keep going. So let's see if we can break that. And the first way to break that is for you not to get into demeaning yourself this way.

1:28:57 Drew And I know you've never had a good role model for how to make money in the world, and how to be sort of a citizen.

1:29:03 Caller I mean, like, I'd be doing it while I'm going to school because I want to be a lawyer. Like, I want to do everything right.

1:29:09 Drew There's something called student loans that are designed for people just like you. So when you get the work force, when you hit the workplace, when you have your law degree, it will not be an issue. You pay it back.

1:29:20 Aisha Tyler I would just say also that from a practical standpoint, I can understand how somebody who had lived in foster care would be obsessed with money because you feel very powerless. You feel helpless. You don't have your own money. You feel like maybe if I had money, I'd have more control of my life. But you get control of your life in other ways. You don't need money to do that.

1:29:40 Drew This way is more indulgence and powerlessness. You're getting money, but you're relinquishing your power in other ways.

1:29:46 Aisha Tyler Over yourself and over your body.

1:29:48 Adam And money does not equal happiness. Poverty equals misery. So maybe you could do the math there.

1:29:54 Aisha Tyler The converse is not always true.

1:29:56 Adam Now that I'm rich, I'm just not unhappy.

1:29:59 Aisha Tyler Not miserable.

1:29:59 Adam I'm not miserable. Right. Okay. And listen, you know, if speaking of these student loans, another plan for when I'm in charge, I would work the affirmative action this way. Forget about what your religion is or what your color is. Your dad was an alcoholic who molested you. You're first in life.

1:30:16 Drew Absolutely.

1:30:17 Adam The people who got beat on, crapped on and effed with the most regardless, because to me, that's the ultimate setback. Someone like this living in foster care and being a victim and molested and all this.

1:30:29 Drew This is the most exciting idea you've ever had.

1:30:31 Adam Now, but to be fair, if we, if it's, you know, it's between a white chick who was molested and a black chick was molested, I give the black chick.

1:30:39 Drew Because there's a history of abuse there.

1:30:41 Adam Yeah, that's right. That's right.

1:30:42 Aisha Tyler The generation is on top of that.

1:30:44 Adam But, but black does not trump or hispanic or whatever, does not trump molested unless there's some molestation there.

1:30:50 Caller All right. Good.

1:30:51 Adam This is interesting, right?

1:30:52 Aisha Tyler It's a very strange social poker game.

1:30:54 Caller That's what I was going to say.

1:30:55 Adam Thank you.

1:30:56 Aisha Tyler But I borrowed all that money to go to college and I paid it all back.

1:30:59 Drew You went to an expensive college.

1:31:00 Aisha Tyler I went to a really, I mean, it was like a mortgage what I borrowed. But, you know, it's worth it. Don't sell your body.

1:31:05 Adam Vidal?

1:31:06 Hey, guys.

1:31:07 Adam Hey, you're 29. What's up?

1:31:09 Caller I got a couple of comments. I hate following deep conversations like that. But for you, Adam, the Tufskins jeans, I'm from the Midwest. So in the 80s, we wore Tufskins and they were fantastic for the boners. And I absolutely agree that the upward position is the best position to get rid of a boner. That's true. And Aisha, I just want to tell you, I'm a big fan of yours. And I think you're beautiful. But more than that, I think that you're very witty and funny and in my peer group, and that's guys between 28 and 35 that I hang around with. We think that we want a woman just like you. And I was surprised to hear that you were married.

1:31:50 Aisha Tyler Oh, that's so nice.

1:31:53 Caller And my question is for you, Aisha. And maybe Drew or Dr. Drew, you might have some comments on this. With women, in my age, I'm single. But I find it more and more as I get older that women are really, really interviewing me in social situations instead of just getting to know me and so on and so forth.

1:32:16 Drew Interviewing you as a husband prospect.

1:32:18 Caller Well, you know, just the first idea is, you know, what do you do? What do you drive?

1:32:24 Aisha Tyler Trying to figure out whether they want to put any more time into it.

1:32:27 Adam Well, unfortunately, we're out of time. That's what they're doing. That's the way the world works. So the way to win is to drive a nice car and get a good gig.

1:32:35 Aisha Tyler Or if a girl starts interviewing, you just get up and walk away. Do you know? I mean, people just start falling over the broad that grills you.

1:32:42 Adam Just start lying. We'll take a break.

1:32:49 Caller Well, there.

1:32:50 Adam Where did the time go? Who's coming in here tomorrow night? Tori Amos, everybody. We can look forward to her return. It's been a couple of years and always a good guess. I want to thank Aisha Tyler for coming in here from- Awesome.

1:33:04 Aisha Tyler Thank you.

1:33:05 Adam Fifth Wheel and also, of course, TalkSoup.

1:33:09 Caller Yeah, they're a while. Thanks for having me.

1:33:10 Aisha Tyler It was really fun.

1:33:11 Adam Hey, you were great.

1:33:13 Aisha Tyler Thank you.

1:33:13 Adam It was really nice meeting you.

1:33:15 Aisha Tyler You too.

1:33:16 Adam And come back anytime you like.

1:33:18 Aisha Tyler Thank you. I will.

1:33:19 Adam So until next time, it's Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:33:30 Caller Ha ha!

1:33:32 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Anne Wilkins Dingle. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Tuesday, November 13, 2001