Episode 1000734996039

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover This is Loveline. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Voiceover There, buddy, it's Loveline, man. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Passionate, passionate, passionate man.

1:33 Drew Indeed.

1:34 Adam Well, as some of you may have heard, last night, this week will be my last week here. Not because I want it to be my last week here, but that's just the way things are turning out. I don't mean that in a weird, ominous way or anything, but.

1:51 Drew You've been asked by the guys who are paying you tons of money to get on to your new show.

1:54 Adam Make it my last week. And actually, they told me that two weeks ago. I just decided to stretch it out a little bit.

2:01 Drew Well, it's bringing people out of the woodwork. I mean, we have a room here that people can watch through a window to what we're doing. That room is filled with people eating pie and ice cream and drinking wine.

2:09 Adam Eating my pie, eating my ice cream, eating my cake. But I mean, I sit here with a condom.

2:14 Drew Look how festive that is in there.

2:16 Adam Yeah, really warms your heart. Yeah, big schlong fest on the other side of the glass. Nine guys in their 40s, all here to wish Ace Manuel and drink his wine.

2:25 Drew And eat the pie.

2:27 Adam What?

2:27 Drew Best pie we've ever seen.

2:28 Adam Is there more fitting tribute than to show up and consume his wine and then leave?

2:32 Drew Yeah.

2:33 Adam Probably about 11, 10.

2:34 Drew Is that what a party is? I guess so.

2:38 Adam Yeah. Funeral too. So here's the thing, everybody. I think I want to say a couple of things and we'll get on with the show. And we'll do this show like a regular show. You want to call in and say goodbye. That's fine. But I think we'll do it like a regular show and then tomorrow night I'll have that farewell vibe to it. But a couple of things I want to say. This show is going to go on, will go on, has always gone on and will continue to go on. So I'm not taking the show with me. The show is here. I'm going to go do some other radio. And if you think about it, if you're a fan of Loveline and you're a fan of me, I almost said Adam Carolla.

3:15 Drew What would be wrong with that?

3:18 Adam It sounds bad if you're a fan of Loveline and you're a fan of Adam Carolla.

3:21 I sound like a blowhard.

3:23 Drew Yeah, either way. What do you say, me or Adam Carolla?

3:25 Adam I think it sounds much more humble to do it this way. If you're a fan of Loveline and a fan of Ace.

3:32 Drew Of yours truly.

3:34 Adam You can still listen to both of them because you'll have Ace.

3:39 Drew In the morning.

3:39 Adam In the morning and you'll have Drill at night with. I don't even know who's going to be sitting in this stool.

3:48 Drew You have to listen to find out.

3:49 Adam But I'll tell you something. It's going to take a mighty big ass to fill the Ace man's stool.

3:54 Drew To sit in the stool.

3:54 Adam I've said that many times. Anyone who wants to come up and sit in my stool. Come on, give it a try. Try my stool on for size. But I'll tell you, it takes a mighty big ass crack to fill my stool.

4:08 But I'm real fat.

4:11 Adam Yeah, Monique can come up and do it. So here's my point. The show will go on just like the show was here before I got here. The show will be here after I leave and I'll be doing some other radio. So we'll just be.

4:24 Caller Ace Rockolla.

4:26 Adam Yeah, a little morning thing. I'll get my cowbell going. We'll do traffic, you know, we're going to do traffic. We're doing traffic every half hour, every quarter hour, every eighth hour, every sixteenth hour, and every 32nd hour. And then it's going to be nothing but news. I'm actually going to be trying to do a morning show while guys are screaming about traffic, weather, weather, news, and traffic.

4:48 Drew Be interesting.

4:49 Adam Yeah. You know what the first headline is going to be?

4:53 Drew Headlights. Watch out for headlines.

4:54 Adam Trouble in the Middle East. Trouble in the Middle East. Trouble in the Middle East.

4:58 Drew Really? You can predict that already, huh?

5:00 Adam Trouble in the Middle East. Show goes on January 3rd. I'm already going to predict.

5:04 Drew Is that your first day?

5:05 Adam Trouble in the Middle East. I don't know. That sounds about right.

5:08 Drew Sounds about right.

5:09 Adam You want to know how lazy I am, Drew?

5:12 Drew Oh no, I know. I don't need to know.

5:14 Adam I know. I know.

5:15 Drew You've pointed out to the listeners.

5:16 Adam You've plumbed the depths of my laziness, but I want you to know an all time new Lazy Lo. I was talking to my agent a month ago about starting this new morning radio job. And it's an honor to be filling in or replacing or filling the huge stool of Howard Stern. Nobody could fill that stool. And all that. They're paying me a ton of money. Everything is great. And I was like, and I said, now this is a month and a half ago, really. I said, when am I starting? I don't know. January 1st and then you start. There's New Year's and then you'll start. And I said, oh, okay. And I immediately started praying. I hope New Year's is like on a Wednesday. Cause then I could come in on Thursday and just do Thursday, Friday and have a short week. This is four months from now. Already got my fingers crossed on a short week.

6:08 Drew You have been indoctrinated into this.

6:10 Adam Yeah. And then he's like, I'm like, yeah. I'm trying to be casual cause I don't want people to know who I really am. I'm like, oh, what day is New Year's? So what the 31st? Yeah. I know it's the first, but what day is that falling? Let me check my calendar and see. Sunday. Christ. Sunday, really?

6:29 Drew Is it a Sunday this year?

6:30 Adam Yes. I think the first is, whatever it was, I was devastated. And I thought, my God, what is wrong with you, Corolla? Devastated, not right for the rest of the day. Christ. Couldn't move it around. Couldn't take over the Stern gig on a leap year. Couldn't take over the Stern gig when New Year's fell on a Thursday or Wednesday. Had to fall on a Sunday. Jesus Christ. Snake bit.

6:53 Caller Horrible way to go through life. Horrible. Right?

7:00 Adam I'm taking over for Howard Stern, but I'm bummed out because New Year's is on a Sunday, the day, the year I'm taking over for Howard Stern. Bad, right?

7:10 Drew Very Corolla.

7:11 Adam It is.

7:11 Drew That's a Corolla trait.

7:12 Adam Yeah. I was like, whoa, what could I, how could I complain about this? I gotta figure out a way to complain. I got it. New Year's, Sunday. It's gonna be awesome. So, tomorrow will be the last night. We'll do a little go away thing tomorrow night. A little walk down memory lane. And I think we'll take your calls. We'll answer your questions. We'll have a little Germany or Florida up here. We'll play that tonight and maybe sprinkle in a few thoughts. But in general, I think we'll just treat it like a love line night. Ashley?

7:43 Caller Yeah.

7:44 Adam 22?

7:44 Caller Yes.

7:45 Adam What's up, baby doll?

7:47 Caller I can't believe you're leaving us.

7:49 Adam Well, don't look at me as leaving. Look at me as going.

7:53 Caller Moving on.

7:54 Adam Yeah, I mean moving on.

7:55 Caller I don't know how I called, though, so I can help you.

7:57 Adam Thanks, baby. What's up?

7:59 Caller Well, I have a question. Other than, you know, the token, I love you guys.

8:05 It's my favorite show ever.

8:07 Caller You rule and you make my night.

8:09 Adam I tell you, really, it really is the only the only good thing about leaving, because I really love this job. I love the people I work with.

8:15 Drew And I'm not leaving. So you lost loved the listeners. Shocking.

8:20 Adam I got to tell you. Wait, let me just say one thing. My wife was on the Loveline companion reading all the nice and thoughtful notices given by the hardcore Loveline faithful. And I don't cruise the Internet. And I don't I don't do that that much. And I almost welled up while she was reading aloud from behind the computer these beautiful thoughts about listening to the show since Junior High and he touched my life and all that stuff. It was really wonderful. And I realized I've always done the show like no one's listening because otherwise how can I call my dad a pussy 175 times a week if I thought he was listening or anybody else who might talk to him. Right. So I have done this show like the Burbank PD wasn't listening, like my dad wasn't listening, like the, you know, Maxine Waters wasn't listening, like Culver City PD, all the plays, anyone who's listening over.

9:10 Drew Turning left in red.

9:12 Adam Yes. I've always done this show like no one is listening. Nobody's listening. Otherwise, how could I do it? How can I say all these horrible things about everybody?

9:19 Drew And you never say anything racist and never ever.

9:22 Adam I say horrible things all the time. That's the only way I can do it is to do it as if no one is listening. So it was even though obviously I knew people were listening, it was still touching to see how many people had been listening and are listening. Alright. That's Drew's new slow motion, you're gay. That's the one where the president is going to be sodomized.

9:51 Drew He'll be shot.

9:52 Adam No, sodomized. And Drew is a secret servant agent and he dives in slow motion in front of the guy's groin.

10:00 Drew Well, I'm not really... You're facing... I'd have to go sort of...

10:04 Adam Whatever it is, you're getting between the president's ass and that guy's front side. That's right. You're taking it for the president. Oh, what happened, Ashley? Literally. Ashley? So it says here you're an escort or you were an escort for a year.

10:20 Off and on.

10:21 Adam Off and on. How does that escort business work and is this different than just being a prostitute?

10:28 Caller It is. It is different. It's a lot more casual. It's not just like in and out. It's like go out to dinner and get to know you, you know, laugh a little bit and then end up at somebody's house and get money at the end of the night.

10:41 Adam Yeah, but you have you have sex, right?

10:44 Caller Yeah, but it also depends on what people want. But yeah, mostly sex.

10:47 Drew Some guys don't want sex.

10:49 Caller Some guys want weird stuff.

10:52 Drew Yeah, like what is being on stuff?

10:54 Caller Some guy wanted me to probe his urethra, you know, like you were putting in a catheter.

11:00 Drew Now, Ashley, you sound like a smart person. Did you have you noticed anything? Could you could you have detected anything about these people before they asked for these weird things? I mean, who who's doing this stuff?

11:11 Caller Well, there are the the people that are just really antisocial and don't know how to meet people, but there are also the people that are just can't be troubled with meeting people. You know what I mean?

11:21 Adam Like, you know, she's not going to answer your question, Drew, but it's the businessman who just doesn't want to go on the internet and do all that stuff.

11:28 Caller Just a really socially inept guy that seriously does not know how to relate to people. And if he wasn't paying me for my time, there's no way I would spend time with him.

11:36 Drew And he's the guy who wants you to probe his urethra?

11:38 Caller That guy was weird.

11:39 Caller That guy had no sort of social.

11:40 Drew That's what I was asking. You could tell that these people are something going on.

11:43 Adam That's my stepdad, but that's not this guy. Ashley, so you would have sex with a guy, and then how much would you charge?

11:51 Caller Oh, like $300.

11:54 Adam And would you get all the $300, or would the company get money, or how did it work?

11:58 Caller No, I did it privately, so I got all the money.

12:03 Adam Now, let me ask a couple of questions. If there was...

12:05 Drew It's dangerous, what is?

12:06 Adam It's dangerous.

12:07 Caller Well, if you don't have someone representing you, and you're just some chick that goes out with some guy, what if nobody ever sees you again? You know what I mean?

12:14 Drew I thought you said, well, who does it for you? Who represents you?

12:18 Caller Nobody. That's why it was really dangerous. I only did it myself.

12:22 Adam All right. And were there any guys you're just too physically turned off by to have the sex with?

12:28 Caller Yes.

12:29 Adam There were?

12:30 Caller Yeah, but what I did is I was like, I'm really shy. They like that. If you're shy, amateur, young, just doing this, to buy books for school, they really like that stuff. And I would have them take me out for drinks so that would kind of loosen me up to the point where I don't even give a crap as long as they turn me around and I don't have to look at them. Oh my God.

12:52 Caller I just want to see what the Corolla has.

12:55 Caller So my problem is that now...

12:56 Adam Oh, wait a second, wait a second. Listen, hold on a second. By the way, I'm, for the last 10 years, have been ignoring whatever it says on the screen, the person's problem is empowering forth with my own agenda, so I'm not going to start now.

13:13 Drew Tonight will be no exception.

13:14 Adam That's what I'm saying. Ashley. Yes. I want to know, has there ever been a guy that wasn't into you?

13:22 Caller No.

13:23 Adam Cause I'm thinking...

13:24 Drew On this earth.

13:26 Adam No, I mean... Oh, okay. Here's the thing, if I bought an Escort and I went out and I just picked her up and she opened her apartment door and I was like, oh, Christ, like just not that into her. I'm not sure what I would do, but I wouldn't go out to dinner.

13:42 Drew Would you pay it off right there?

13:43 Adam Well, it's the beauty of guys. This is the beauty of guys. Guy opens the door, he's going to pick the Escort up, they're going to go out and have some dinner, cocktails, a little dancing, and then end up back at his hotel room in six hours and have some sloppy sex. If a guy wasn't into that chick, he just opened the door and go, well, I'll bang you now.

14:01 Caller You know what I mean?

14:06 Adam There's no female equivalent to a chick just opening the door, seeing a guy she's not attracted to and go, all right, let's just get it on. I don't want to talk to you at dinner. Save myself some money on the surf and turf. Let's go.

14:17 Caller Right?

14:20 Caller So her question was, first of all, Adam, how dare you?

14:25 Adam Well, I'm just saying you could meet a guy that just didn't float his boat or your picture looked different or whatever it was.

14:32 Caller You're so picky about women. You are.

14:35 Adam Okay, weirdness. Go ahead.

14:37 Caller You like those skinny girls with just the totally skewed, like large breasts that don't belong on their body?

14:43 Adam Yeah, I'm crazy that way.

14:46 I guess I'm pretty normal, actually.

14:47 Adam Yeah, yeah. I know. I know. Most of the guys like a solid A cup with a huge ass, but not me. I'm crazy.

14:56 Caller Who's number one?

14:58 Adam Like a nice set of cans and a tight ass. I'm nuts. I should be institutionalized. I should be a guy with a giant butterfly net chasing me around.

15:05 Drew We'll get you. We'll get you.

15:06 Adam Get that, please. Ashley didn't play her weird tone hand card until just about then.

15:12 Caller Yeah.

15:14 Adam Ashley, let's go, baby. And we know you got issues with guys. What's your question?

15:17 Caller I want to hear what Drew thinks. Drew, how, where do I go from here? You know, like, how do I regain just my ability for intimacy and having a normal relationship with men?

15:26 Drew Well, it's very difficult. Usually the reason that women act out those sorts of, you know, activities like becoming a prostitute or stripper is because they've been sexualized at a young age by their dad or somebody that made them feel like a sexual object. They sort of reenact that trauma over and over again, basically by doing the same thing, engaging with men in exploitative relationships and then hating men for playing along. And it's very difficult. Basically, you can't get over that therapy. You can go to SA., sometimes Sex Alcoholics Anonymous helps out, but I think individual therapists will be the way to go.

16:00 Adam Let's break everything off into steps. First step, stop the bleeding.

16:04 Drew Yeah.

16:04 Adam You have to stop. Stop having sex with random guys.

16:06 Drew It's hard when they're making a lot of money and they're aroused by it and addicted to it. It's difficult for them. If you really have a compulsive tendency to be an escort, then you go to SA. All right.

16:16 Adam So first stop tramping around with strangers and just doing that will even you out if you put together a few months of that.

16:24 Drew You still will go for bad guys and be disgusted by men and be angry with guys that play along with her.

16:29 Adam Right. Get some therapy.

16:32 Caller All right.

16:33 Adam Harold? Harold, you're 30.

16:35 Caller Hey now.

16:36 Adam Hey, is there somebody else in your family named Harold?

16:40 Caller No, it's just my call name.

16:43 Adam Oh, I see. You're making it up. Okay, good.

16:45 Caller Yeah, I wanted, after I talked to you guys the first time, I wanted it to be changed to Sergio, but, and I don't know. Just neither here or there.

16:55 Adam Oh, truer words were never spoken. Yeah, here not funny, there not funny.

17:00 Drew Neither, neither here nor there.

17:01 Adam Actually, here and there both hysterical, but neither here nor there. Yeah, here funny, there funny.

17:08 Drew But neither.

17:09 Adam This is in between. This is on the border. Go ahead, Harold.

17:14 Caller Yeah, I'm calling from Japan. My wife is currently in the hospital undergoing some real heavy chemotherapy. And I have a question for you guys.

17:24 Adam We spoke to you a few months ago.

17:26 Caller That's correct, in the beginning of September.

17:29 Drew And what is the chemo she's having again?

17:32 Caller Well they've actually changed her chemotherapy regimen. It was, they've changed it twice because neither, the first two did not work very well. She's now currently on mini-rice chemotherapy, which is kind of funny because we're in Japan.

17:49 Adam Even chemo, chemotherapy sounds Japanese. Like, oh, what's chemotherapy? Oh, we wrap you in seaweed, release the toxins from you.

17:57 Drew And what's the tumor she has?

17:59 Caller She has non-Hodkins lymphoma. She has tumors. She has, you know, all of her lymph nodes are.

18:07 Drew Right. She has stage four lymphoma.

18:10 Adam What time is it over there in Japan right now?

18:12 Caller It's now almost 3.30 in the afternoon on Thursday.

18:20 Caller Yeah, so we're a day ahead.

18:21 Adam Wow. I would be napping right now. Be awesome.

18:24 Caller Before I get to my question though, Adam, often in Japan, instead of speaking directly, saying something sentimental directly to a person, they'll often write letters and then read them to that person. Kind of a shame culture. And I've actually written a letter that I'd like to read to you if you would just give me a second.

18:44 Caller Okay.

18:45 Caller It says, Dear Adam, I would love to thank you for your many years of service.

18:50 Adam Thank you.

18:51 Caller You and Dr. Drew have gotten me through every single crappy job that I've had.

18:55 Caller Yeah.

18:56 Adam Let's try to focus on the Ace man for this one.

18:58 Caller Good place.

18:59 Caller Your passion and politics have helped form my own. I will treasure the relationship that we have formed on the evening air. But alas, progress is change. And I wish you all the best on your morning show. I'll be there and I'll be listening.

19:18 Drew How are you going to be in Japan?

19:19 Adam We got an affiliate in Kobe. That's the whole thing. What we got is we got LA, San Diego, Vegas, Portland, and Kobe. I was like, you sure you just can't get another affiliate in like Chicago or something?

19:34 Caller No, no.

19:34 Adam We're going to Kobe.

19:35 Drew We're working on Sri Lanka.

19:37 Caller Yeah.

19:37 Adam OK. We got to beat trying to think who's doing drive time in Kobe right now. Boomer in the nudge. Couple white guys out there.

19:48 Caller Yeah, go ahead, Harold.

19:49 Adam Thank you. Thank you very much. It was beautiful.

19:54 Caller You know, I've been single for the last couple weeks because the wife has been in the hospital and I've just been going to work and doing my thing.

20:00 Caller What kind of work?

20:03 Adam Comfort girl.

20:04 Drew What kind of work?

20:06 Caller I teach elementary children and preschool children English.

20:10 Caller Yeah.

20:10 Adam I sort of remember that from the first one.

20:12 Drew We got to get him to say something Japanese, too, right?

20:13 Adam Can you say something in Japanese?

20:17 Caller I'll say, Adam Corolla kicked Howard Stern's butt any day.

20:21 Adam How about that?

20:21 Drew Why don't you just read the little letter you wrote us in Japanese?

20:25 Adam Oh, okay. True. It was boring the first time it came out. He thinks we work signing in Japanese.

20:31 Caller Adam, I'm really grateful. You and Dr. Drew have always been by my side.

20:45 Adam Hold on, Harold, just yell, look out, Giant Robot's coming. Oh, I think you dropped the n-word. That's awesome. Let me tell you the mistake a lot of people, a lot of people do when they do that, say this in whatever language, they go, say Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew are great in Los Angeles. It's like Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew, and Los Angeles.

21:17 Caller It's like, yeah, you idiot.

21:21 Adam Say Adam loves, say, say Adam loves Abba Zabba bars. Say Adam Corolla loves Abba Zabba bars in North Hollywood. Abba Zabba, Los Angeles, Adam Corolla.

21:37 Caller Okay.

21:38 Adam They always make that mistake. You got to come up with words that aren't titles. You can't bring up car names or anything.

21:44 Drew Cars or parking.

21:45 Adam Adam Corolla and his Cadillac are going to Las Vegas to see Siegfried and Roy. Go ahead, say it, say it. Big waste of time. Harold.

21:59 Caller Yes.

22:00 Adam Thank you, buddy. What, now, so your question is.

22:04 Caller Yeah, in my sadness, I'm walking around like a gloomy Gus all day, except, you know, when I'm with the kiddies. I've been propositioned several times by a kindergarten teacher and an elementary school teacher. And I'm wondering, is it possible that I'm putting off some kind of vibe that is attracting the ladies one?

22:23 Drew Is it possible you're misinterpreting the culture, sort of gets lost in translation?

22:29 Caller No, no, I'm definitely, they're definitely coming out of the woodwork, whereas they weren't before.

22:34 Adam How are those Asian women, you know, because we don't really get a fair sampling of them over here in the States.

22:41 Caller Yeah, yeah, right.

22:43 Adam No, I mean, we, we, no, here's what I'm saying, is we have them, but we can't study them in their natural habitat.

22:49 Caller You know, being one of those, you know, geeky kind of, you know, the looks not, not, not so much in the looks department to have Asian women like respect you and really just think you're so hot because you can do something like sing or play the guitar, you know, they, they respect, you know, they respect things on a higher level, you know.

23:13 Adam Hi Harold, I'm done with Harold.

23:15 Drew Look, Harold, your wife is sick for God's sakes. What are you thinking? Come on, keep your penis in your pants until she, you know.

23:21 Adam As she said, fourth stage.

23:24 Drew Just stage four of lymphoma, but that's a, it's a curable lymphoma.

23:27 Adam It is.

23:27 Drew Potentially. I mean, it's bad, bad times. I mean, her chances are not great.

23:31 Adam They're not.

23:31 Drew No.

23:32 Adam Well, you just said it was curable.

23:33 Drew Potentially curable. Potentially curable.

23:36 Adam Well, okay. Here's the deal. If you screw around with Mrs. Livingston, you got to look that one up on the computer, kids.

23:45 Drew I am the only one that knew that one. Engineers Michelle may know Mrs. Livingston. You know who she is? Not Livingston. I know Robinson. People let me tell you about my best friend.

23:55 Adam Yeah. Courtship Addie's father had this hot Asian nanny named Mrs. Livingston. And she always called Bill Bixby, Mr. Addie's father. I thought that was hot. I was like seven. I've got a boner. But you do this, you'll never forgive yourself. It'll just be a weird thing. It'll be weird. It'll be weird. Now look, imagine you do this. You screw around with the first grade teacher and then your wife passes away at Christmas.

24:23 Drew It goes on your permanent record.

24:25 Adam You're walking around dragging this bag of horseshoes your whole life. Don't do it.

24:29 Drew Go ahead and spend time with people, but don't let it become romantic. Don't let it become sexual. Just don't be alone. I know you're sort of a geek in the tendency to isolate. Don't let that happen, but don't cave into this. That kind of step goes on your permanent record.

24:43 Adam Let me ask you a tough question, Drew.

24:45 Drew Yeah.

24:46 Adam If you go to another country where the culture is completely different, the language is completely different, and it is just completely different, and you have an affair.

24:56 Drew It's completely different?

24:57 Adam It's completely and utterly different.

24:59 Drew And?

25:01 Adam And you screw around.

25:02 Drew Yeah.

25:02 Adam As bad as doing it here?

25:04 Drew Yes.

25:05 Adam Oh, your wife's listening.

25:06 Drew No, no, yes. I think, absolutely. I think-

25:08 Adam Oh, now she's really listening.

25:10 Drew No, no, no. I'd base that on health, about the health of relationships, and on, by the way, things like we're just talking about, your ethical record. Your record.

25:20 Adam No, no. I say it's not as bad. But there's not the element, there's not the love element. It's, okay, I'll tell you why.

25:28 Drew Well, so why not just go to a house of prostitution then? But it's a big deal, they're prostitutes.

25:32 Caller So let's go.

25:33 Adam You said you're going to get me a gift when I left.

25:35 Drew Oh, here we go.

25:36 Adam Wow. I mean, I don't want that crappy bottle of wine. Give me a whore or sack of that pharmaceutical nose candy.

25:43 Drew Just bring mink on in.

25:44 Adam Bring mink in. No, here's what I'm saying. If you, okay, let me put it to you this way, smarty pants. If your wife was to have an affair, would you rather her have it with a guy she met on the internet out in South Pasadena or have her go to Chile and have it with a guy who didn't speak English? One time, Chilean guy, giving her the old sea bass.

26:11 Drew Is there another kind of sea bass or is it another Chilean? You know what I mean?

26:15 Adam You'd rather her go to South Korea.

26:17 Caller Korea.

26:20 Adam Yeah, you know what I'm right, because you're never going to run into the guy and it's just a sort of faceless, nameless whatever. I mean, you're still PO'd.

26:27 Caller You're still PO'd, but better.

26:29 Drew Yes, I get the faceless nameless thing. I get that.

26:31 Adam Better that.

26:31 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

26:32 Adam Okay. That's all I had to do. Take a quick break. We'll be right back for a little Germany or Florida after this.

26:48 Love Line is brought to you by Beavis and Butt-Head's virtual stupidity hotline. Speak to MTV's favorite morons 24 hours a day. Go to beavisandbutthead.mtv.com.

27:10 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191.

27:17 Caller Yeah, woo!

27:19 Get it on!

27:23 Caller I could tell you, but I'd have to kill ya.

27:26 Adam Traffic and weather news, traffic and weather, traffic and weather news, coming up top the hour, every hour, all the time. Trouble in the Middle East, mattress in lanes, and look out for brake lights, that's a long go in the 405, 71 in Sylmar, Huntington Beach, checking in 71 degrees, Van Nuys, 71, Sherman Oaks, 71, Placentia, 71 degrees, Orange County, 71, Pasadena, 71.

27:51 Drew Ace, what's the forecast?

27:52 Adam What's coming in? Well, 71 degrees. Now, here's what's going to be, it's going to be overcast over at LAX, but that'll burn off by noon. 80s inland, 90s in the Valley, 71 degrees, everyone else. Yeah, it's 71 degrees. Look out for brake lights on the 405. Let's go up to Sky Chapter News 5 Skycam.

28:15 Caller What do we got over there?

28:17 Adam Yeah, we got slow and go mattress in Lanes. Look out for brake lights. Watch out for the sloths and cut off the floor level. Look out, slow and go.

28:26 Slow and go on the floor level.

28:29 Adam 101, we got a moped colliding with the nuclear armament trucks, watch out, it's going to slow you down a little bit. The Highway Patrol is on the scene. Yeah, that's what it's going to be everybody.

29:16 Drew Ah!

29:16 Caller Blah, blah, blah, blah.

29:19 Adam Business man's lunch. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

29:22 Drew Nice.

29:23 Adam You know the creepiest part about all those places, aren't it? Now, some of them have-

29:29 Drew Everything?

29:29 Adam Oh, no. How dare you? It was a little weird when I went there with David Alan Greer in Vegas and this stripper mentioned to him that she was stabbed 19 times by her ex.

29:42 Twinkie hole, baby!

29:45 Adam They all have gift shops now where they sell lingerie. What? Yeah. And it's really weird. You know, it's like- It's like- It's really- It's like buying your back to school clothes in a casino. Yeah. It's just- It's just a weird- Like, lingerie is fine, but I'm sure that's the cheapest, most expensive stuff. Yeah.

30:06 Drew Crappiest, most expensive.

30:06 Adam Half of it was- had a few dances on stage and then put back on the rack. Yeah. Big basket of pubes.

30:15 Drew It's true, David Allen Grier. Just this is- Since this is a farewell show.

30:19 Adam Yeah. Well, you know, somebody mentioned him throwing up, him giving it- This isn't a farewell show, Drew.

30:25 Drew It's one of the farewell shows.

30:27 Adam All right. Well, we're looking at it that way. They've all been one of the farewell shows.

30:30 Drew Yeah, good point.

30:32 Adam Somebody mentioned they loved David Allen Grier having sex.

30:37 Drew Don't look at me?

30:37 Adam Don't look at me. Yeah. Yeah. Drew, don't step on it. We're going to hear it tomorrow night.

30:42 Drew Okay. All right.

30:43 Adam Let's not step on it.

30:44 Drew Well, he's going to be here. Might be here tomorrow night.

30:46 Adam Oh, Drew, what did you do? You're so stupid. Is he coming in here tomorrow night?

30:52 Maybe.

30:52 Adam You don't know. Oh my God. Are you dumb?

30:54 I like a girl with a big butt, but fruit in the middle is juicy, is sweet, because is fruit and in the middle is juicy.

31:01 Adam I can't believe how stupid you are, Drew. Now you don't know what to do because you're caught in between.

31:06 Drew No, I don't know what you mean.

31:07 Adam Just fess up.

31:08 Drew He could be in here tomorrow night. I'm not sure if he's coming, but he could be in here tomorrow night.

31:11 Adam Well, he was invited.

31:12 Drew Yeah. Come say goodbye.

31:14 Adam Wasn't that... someone told you to be quiet about it?

31:17 Drew No.

31:17 Adam No?

31:17 Drew No.

31:18 Adam Wow. You always sound like you're lying.

31:21 Drew No, nobody... maybe I should be quiet about it.

31:23 Caller Are you lying about sounding like you're lying?

31:25 How long have you been blind, deaf and dumb?

31:28 Drew No, it made me stop and think. I wonder if I should be, but...

31:31 Caller All right.

31:31 Adam You did that thing where, you know, when people give away the surprise party, you know, they do a thing where they come into the person of the office and they go, what should I wear Saturday? And they go, what's Saturday? And they go, uh, uh, uh...

31:44 Drew Did I do that?

31:45 Adam Yeah, they get that deer in the headlights.

31:47 Drew That was me thinking about should I say something, but then I went ahead.

31:50 Adam You should think, not look like you're thinking.

31:52 Drew Good point.

31:53 Adam Wow, heavy. Bet you're gonna miss me. Alright, well in that case, we can play some Germany or Florida.

32:00 Germany or Florida, Germany or Florida, Germany or Florida.

32:10 Adam I like to hear them having sex. I like to hear don't look at me in that case. Let's hear just that one and then we'll do a Germany or Florida.

32:16 Don't look at me, don't look, don't look at me. That's what it's like.

32:42 Adam And he's on top of her too.

32:43 Caller She can't move.

32:47 See my finger, see my thumb, we got the ball, you better run.

32:50 S-O-C-K-I-T, socket to me.

33:04 That's a cheer, baby.

33:05 That's a cheer.

33:08 Drew I'll give you something to smile about.

33:09 Caller Eric?

33:10 What the hell?

33:12 Caller Has it all yet?

33:14 Caller Oh, yes, he's Eric.

33:15 Drew This is our guy.

33:17 Caller Printing shop.

33:18 Drew Printing shop, not a post office.

33:20 Adam Yeah, post office.

33:21 Caller That you'd ever imagine and do it with style, with his big, pretty just sack. Oh, yes, he does. If you only knew just what he could do, you'd listen to if you only knew.

33:35 Adam Yeah. Eric is our anime imitator, right?

33:37 Drew Yes.

33:40 Adam Now, every time Eric calls, and it feels like twice a night, but I know it's only once every month or so.

33:46 Caller I had to call to say goodbye, Adam.

33:47 Caller Come on.

33:48 Adam I appreciate that, Eric. You don't have a Germany or Florida for us, do you?

33:53 Caller I do. And also, I'd like to say something else. I promise I won't take up your whole night. I do have a good Germany or Florida.

33:59 Adam All right.

34:00 Caller You want that first, you want that last?

34:02 Adam Give it to us first.

34:03 Caller I'll give it to you first. A 21-year-old was practicing touch and go maneuvers at a small airport when his plane crashed and killed him instantly. His father, a local surgeon who had been watching his son fly, immediately drove over to the crash and removed his son's body. Emergency crews were confused when they arrived at the crash site to find blood and brain matter but no body. Police were able to track the vehicle through the license plate number which was given to them by witnesses. Police arrived at the man's home at the same time the man got there with his son's body. The man said he knew his wife would want to say goodbye to their son. Further investigation revealed that the 21 year old had no pilot's license or permit and the plane was not registered. Germany or Florida.

34:42 Adam Did he take his son's brain or he took the body took the body and threw it in the car?

34:49 Caller Probably whatever was connected but it didn't go into very much detail. It just said that when the rescue crews got there, they found blood and brain matter but no body.

34:59 Adam Alright, let's see if we can hash this out. The surgeon part feels pretty German. The sort of macabre death part feels pretty German. The touch and go with the airplane and the crowd. Papa, a lot of airports in Florida.

35:12 Drew Yeah, and I think that maybe would get us off the track again because all the stuff about people learning how to fly in airports in Florida.

35:19 Adam The part, well it's only terrorists learn to fly in Florida. The part where he didn't have the pilot's license and the plane wasn't registered and that kind of stuff feels very Floridian. It doesn't feel German.

35:32 Drew Could you away with that in the United States?

35:34 Adam What about Germany?

35:35 Caller Show me your papers.

35:36 Adam Yes, you got Schultz wanting to see your document.

35:40 Caller Your papers.

35:41 Adam Yeah, it felt like Germany to me all the way through.

35:44 Drew I'm going to Germany.

35:46 Adam You're sure you don't want to go to Florida?

35:47 Drew No, I'll go to Florida for last.

35:50 Adam I'm going to Germany. I go to Germany, Drew goes to Florida. Is it Germany or Florida?

35:54 Caller Don't forget, I got something else to tell you. It is indeed Florida. I'm sorry.

35:58 Adam Yeah.

35:58 Damn.

35:59 Caller I could have lied just to make your last two nights better.

36:02 Adam No, that's all right.

36:03 It is Florida.

36:04 Drew Whenever I overthink stuff, it ends up being that thing that I was thinking myself away from.

36:08 Adam Yeah, because Drew is sort of what you call snake bit.

36:11 Drew Yeah.

36:12 Adam He's not a lucky man. Although, let me say this. Hang on a second. Drew doesn't need to be lucky because he works really hard. But he realizes in games of chance...

36:24 Drew Do poorly.

36:25 Adam He does poorly. Here's a message I'd like to leave you kids with. Assume you will do poorly when you leave something up to chance.

36:33 Drew Yeah.

36:33 Adam If there's a coin toss involved, if there's a card to be flipped over, if there's somebody who's just going to arbitrarily or randomly pick you or the guy next to you, assume you will lose and don't base your life on those kind of odds. It's smart to just go, look, I ain't going to win the lottery. I ain't going to clean up in Vegas.

36:53 Drew You'll limit your risks then too.

36:55 Adam Just don't do that stuff. Here's the deal. You have a degree. They can't argue with that. They'll give you a job or whatever it is. You have the training. You have the skill. You're so good you can't be ignored. Don't just wait around for a break. Assume you're cursed. You show me a kid who assumes he's lucky. I'll just show you guys sitting at home waiting for the lottery.

37:16 Caller All right.

37:17 Drew So you have nothing to say. What else?

37:19 Adam Go ahead, Eric.

37:20 Caller All right. You know how you get the problems with the words that mean the exact opposite but they're almost the same, like micro and macro?

37:26 Drew Push and pull.

37:27 Caller I have the ultimate combination of those two words. Go ahead. Benevolent and malevolent. That's a good one.

37:34 Adam Yeah. Those are good.

37:36 Caller All right. Hey, listen, buddy. I've been listening for more than six years. We love you here where I work. You're going to be sorely missed and through. We're going to keep on listening. So good luck. Keep carrying a torch, buddy.

37:47 Drew God bless you.

37:47 Adam Thanks, Eric. Take care.

37:49 Drew I'm sure I'll be talking to you next week.

37:50 Adam Yeah. Benevolent, malevolent, malevolent, malevolent. Yeah. Malevolent. I'm going to take a break. I want to talk to somebody else.

37:58 Caller We'll talk to six.

38:01 Yes.

38:02 Adam 18.

38:03 Yes.

38:04 Adam You like being tied up. You like rough sex.

38:06 Yeah.

38:07 Adam Mm-hmm. You want to know how to straighten that out?

38:10 Well, Mike, yeah, I guess my question is like, how can I explain to him that it's not like, I don't want him to beat me up because he feels like, oh, you don't like regular sex with me.

38:21 Adam Do you get tied up when you have sex?

38:24 He's done it once, but he doesn't like it.

38:26 Drew Wait a minute. You don't want him to beat you up.

38:28 Well, like, okay. I guess the thing is I like it. And he thinks I just don't like sex with him when in real life I do. But I kind of need it to get off.

38:42 Drew But were you struck as a kid? You were beaten or something?

38:46 No, I really wasn't. But I guess like, should I just put up with it? And like, hold on a second.

38:52 Drew What do we got to figure out? Why you have trouble being aroused without that kind of violence?

38:56 Adam Yeah, we got to take a break. There's always a boguosity factor when they pile forward with their question. You just answer. Here's how the bogus question, here's how the bogus stuff works. I can't have an orgasm unless there's a bowling pin in my rectum.

39:16 Drew Oh, me? Okay.

39:17 Adam Yeah. You know what, Drew, you don't got a lot of range, do you?

39:20 Drew Okay.

39:21 Adam Even this is going to be tall order, by the way.

39:23 Drew Trust me.

39:24 Adam I can't have an orgasm unless I have a bowling pin in my rectum.

39:28 Drew I'm trying to understand why that would be. Will you manhandle it?

39:30 Adam Well, it's because I just need it there so I can have an orgasm.

39:33 Drew Right. But before, when you were younger, did somebody do something?

39:36 Adam Sometimes I need more than one in there, sometimes a whole pin set in there, and then I'll crap out some pretty tough lies like mule ears or the 710.

39:47 Caller Yeah.

39:49 Adam What do you think I should do? Because I can't orgasm unless a bowling pin is in my ass.

39:54 Caller I can't have an orgasm unless something is in my ass.

40:00 Drew That was good. Well done.

40:01 Caller Quick.

40:03 Adam What do you think? What should I do?

40:04 Caller What should I do?

40:05 Adam Well, what should I do? Well, I'm calling to ask what I should do.

40:07 Drew Take the bowling pin hat.

40:08 Caller Because I can't do it unless I have it in their ass. Nor a orgasm for you. You can't? Anything can go in your ass.

40:19 Adam That means no question. Let's take a break, though. We'll talk to Catherine, 18, wants to be tied up. We'll get to the bottom of her after this. Hey, buddy, it's Loveline, man. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. When we left off, we were speaking to Catherine, 18. She likes being tied up, but she doesn't want her boyfriend to think she likes it. Her boyfriend thinks she likes it more than she likes it, but she needs it to have an orgasm.

41:09 Drew And then I asked you a question, why you would need that kind of arousal, how your brain got configured that way.

41:15 Sorry, I didn't really understand. I was confused.

41:17 Drew And that's usually some sort of something, something that really is overwhelming, happened when you were younger, usually physical abuse, that kind of thing. Did somebody strike you with objects when you were a kid?

41:28 No, I don't think I was spanked more than like a few times, like five times maybe.

41:35 Drew But did they ever get carried away one of those times?

41:38 No.

41:39 Drew And was there any, we ever experienced, did you ever see any other kind of trauma? No, not like where you grow up in, you know. Baltic States or something?

41:47 Adam Your parents, were they publicists? We're looking for overall trauma.

41:52 Well, I got kind of a lot of emotional trauma from my mother.

41:58 Caller Yeah, that'll help.

42:00 What does she do? She's a police officer.

42:03 Drew Ooh, and what happened?

42:05 Caller She's just, okay, the thing is that she had my sister when she was very young.

42:12 Drew Yeah.

42:13 Caller And I personally don't think she ever grew up before she started having kids. Right. So she's just not good at monitoring.

42:22 Drew I mean, what did she do?

42:24 Caller Well, I mean, I hate to say that she was bad because she didn't physically abuse me or anything, but she was just very critical, like gave me a lot of body issues and a lot of just issue. Well, she wasn't around, but when she was, she was-

42:44 Adam Hold on, Drew. Whose kids are more effed up? Close your eyes. Whose kids are more effed up? The children of cops or the children of attorneys?

42:59 Drew I think probably the cops, more higher percentage.

43:02 Adam Attorneys are sort of whacked out, their kids are whacked out in a different way. Maybe there's some sense of entitlement and that kind of stuff.

43:08 Drew There's a broader spectrum in attorney. If you have some attorneys-

43:10 Adam Cops kids are trouble, and they're whacked out, man.

43:13 Drew Janet Jameson was a cops kid.

43:15 Adam Yeah, see, they turn out right once in a while. Touche, Drew, you're right. Here's the thing about cops, here's what I figured out. First off, there is no real difference between cops and criminals except for one of them decided to do the right thing. The DNA is the same. Somebody just decided to get on the right side of the badge. And that's good, that's not a put down to the cops, but let's face it, you guys got that gene. That's why whenever they do those things, I was like, 2020, this week on 2020, a cop gone bad. I'm always like, I assume they're all bad. It's just some of them don't have the opportunity to get on the payroll if Suge Knight or whoever works.

43:54 Caller You know what I mean? Yeah.

43:56 Adam But it's always a big shock. How could this guy, 22 year veteran of the Chicago PD turn out to be an underworld money launderer for the mobs? I'm surprised this doesn't happen every goddamn day.

44:09 Are you assuming that no one's listening again?

44:11 Caller Yeah.

44:13 Adam Here's the thing.

44:13 Drew Culver City PD can't stop by here the way they used to at the old studio.

44:16 Adam Yeah. No. Cops, it's no different. It really isn't no different than any facet of life. I really do. It's sort of like the preacher who preaches against pornography all the time and then they find him with his pants down. There's an energy. And God bless the cops for doing the right thing. But I sort of have this theory that a lot of the cops' parents were on the wrong side of the law. And then this is going to correct it. They became cops.

44:48 Caller Yeah.

44:49 Adam And then their kids go back the other switch back the other way. And then maybe their kids. It's an every other thing. Yeah.

44:56 Caller All right.

44:58 Adam Let's talk to Catherine.

45:00 Catherine, first of all, you're right.

45:02 Caller Like everyone in her family is like they were like gang members and stuff.

45:06 Caller Nice.

45:07 Adam There's a shocker. You know really why I'm stopping doing this show, Drew?

45:13 Caller Tired of being right.

45:15 Adam No fun for anymore.

45:16 Drew Yes. Nothing. It's a mystery. Everything is a fact. It's obvious.

45:19 Adam It's like when Jordan left basketball. I got my five rings. Just tired of being right.

45:26 Drew All right.

45:26 Adam So what can you do to stem this tide of being tied up and having sex?

45:32 Drew Yeah. So what you want to do? You want to stop doing it? Or you just want to get your boyfriend to do it with you?

45:36 Caller Well, that's the thing. It's like a serious relationship. He really doesn't like it and I really would like it. Should I just put up with it or should I like?

45:44 Drew You're going to, if this is something that, if this is in you and it's a trauma thing, you're going to do something about it eventually. You're going to act out around it. It's going to have a, it's going to do something bad. Right. So maybe you can kind of teach him how to do what you want. I mean, impress upon him that this is important to you. For him, it seems like whatever, but you got to say, look, I need this. This is important. The problem is, what I'm going to predict though, is that because you have to teach him, it's going to spoil it for you and it's going to not do what you expect it to do. It's going to be not bad enough, not dangerous enough.

46:17 Adam Thanks for the pox, Drew. That was nice.

46:19 Drew Just saying, she's got to get some treatment.

46:21 Caller Is that-

46:23 Drew Lillia?

46:23 Caller Lillia?

46:25 Yes.

46:26 Adam Seventeen, you black out seven times a day?

46:30 Caller Yeah.

46:31 Adam Now black out means not remembering what you did or go unconscious.

46:38 If I say, well, yeah, sometimes I'll be at my room and then I'll end up at the other end of the hall and I don't know how I got there.

46:46 Caller Yeah.

46:46 Drew Hold on.

46:47 Caller All right.

46:47 Drew We've got a lot of things to talk about.

46:48 That happens.

46:49 Caller Yeah.

46:50 Adam I'm going to go, I'm going to go monorail or mule, but not walking.

46:55 Drew I hear a thing.

46:56 Adam Sometimes I get to the end of the hall and I think, how did I get here? And then I think, probably walked. Probably.

47:01 Drew Not the monorail?

47:02 Adam I look down to see if I see a single track that's heated up with 240 volts of electricity. And I realized, no, I probably walked here. I'll look for some mule dropping. No, no road apples. I'd probably just walk. All right. No, no riddle there, but potentially dangerous. Yes, Drew?

47:22 Drew Yes. A lot of a lot of serious things here. We'll talk about it.

47:25 Caller All right, bud.

47:25 Adam Take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

47:56 Caller Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam.

47:58 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. All right. Oh, a couple of things I wanted to say. Tonight on Too Late, the Comedy Central show, Midnight, I attempt to ride my unicycle off of something the height of a loading dock. And I'm not kidding around.

48:23 Drew It's a circus act.

48:24 Adam It's a big deal. Circus, yes. I get on my unicycle on top of the banquette behind me and I attempt to ride off it. And it's the kind of thing where it seems ridiculous. It seems sort of impossible. It also seems like you might break something. Now Bam-Majera, or Bam-Mergera, as they say it now, is a guest and we're going to have him do sort of a stunt, but he hurt his ribs or something. And-

48:51 Drew And Steve-O wouldn't let that hold him back.

48:53 Adam No, he would not. So I get out the unicycle, do a little stunt work tonight on Too Late. So you don't want to miss that. Also Ozzy Osbourne did the show tonight.

49:02 Drew Wow.

49:03 Adam It airs tomorrow night. He's elucid.

49:06 Drew Yeah, he's doing great.

49:07 Adam He's sort of back.

49:08 Drew Oh yeah.

49:08 Caller But I'm not, see, I used to do a lot of screwing around with my medication.

49:15 Drew Yeah, but now he's off all the medication and everything's good.

49:18 Adam He is.

49:19 Drew Yeah.

49:20 Adam Well, let's put it this way. He, you wouldn't call him a clear cloudless sky, but he's not the pea soup, the London fog that he was before.

49:29 Drew He still has the little Parkinsonian stuff, but not as just disabled by it as he was.

49:34 Adam Well, what was going on before? I mean, just such a cocktail of medications that he was just so dull that it slowed.

49:43 Drew There is this bizarre epistemological rift in medicine right now between people that believe that those with pain should be treated with just S loads of medications.

49:54 Adam Yeah.

49:55 Drew And when they're addicts, it just escalates and escalates and escalates and affects their judgment and their addictive disease kicks in and they just pursue more and affects their relationships as opposed to those of us like myself who thinks that what you do is you get people off everything and you let them dry out and you have a human now and you work on it.

50:14 Adam But what if you were crushed by an ATV and you broke some vertebrae, you have collarbone and ribs and everything?

50:19 Drew Magically, when you get them off the opiates, all their pain goes away magically. It's amazing.

50:24 Adam Five broken ribs?

50:25 Drew The ribs heal. You don't walk around in pain from five broken ribs forever. You would have it for like two months and then that's it.

50:31 Caller No, I would.

50:32 Adam I'd walk with a permanent limp. I'd hold my side every time I farted or laughed or farted and laughed or laughed because I farted. That'd be horrible for me. I'd have some sort of pain where you fart and laugh because...

50:45 Drew Those go together with you.

50:46 Adam Well, it's my first love which is farting and then the laughter which always follows. I am so pathological I will actually laugh alone.

50:54 Drew Oh, I've seen you. Yeah. You're like a Schizophrenic talking to yourself.

50:57 Adam Put a nanny cam in my den at night. You just see me sitting there watching modern Marvels on TiVo and you just hear, fart.

51:09 Drew Yeah. A little more like, oh, oh, oh, oh.

51:12 Adam Nice. And then you see the fan. Wow. Assertive without being pushy. Nice bouquet. That would be it. I'll tell you, if somebody said to me, look, Adam, we put a nanny cam in one of the throw pillows of your den and another one in your car. We're not going to get into details, but we're going to sell it back to you for five million bucks. I'd be like, what, that's it?

51:43 Caller Okay.

51:45 Adam You know what happened when I was doing...

51:48 Drew It's just a bunch of nose picking.

51:50 Come on.

51:52 Adam When I was doing the Too Late show, the TLC show, the first thing they did is we're going to out fit the car with one of these cameras and we'll just stick it to the windshield. You see these shows where the guy's driving along the streets, that fisheye lens, they show him driving and talking or whatever. We'll just do the thing. When you get in the car, the camera magically goes on. I realized day three into it, I'd pick my nose almost every mile. I will actually go out to the car just to pick my nose. If I have to pick my nose when I'm at home, I'll walk out the car, roll down the window, go start the car and start picking my nose, and then stop the car and go back in the house. And I realized every inch of this cassette that was in the player behind me in the back of the car was just filled with nose picking. And I thought, no, I can't. Because if we want to see where, well, they're not going to air it, but all the editors are just going to have 2,000 hours of Corolla picking his nose.

52:48 Drew I just left their ass.

52:49 Adam I went back and I was like, all right, I got to rewind this tape, start fresh, rewind it and promptly start picking the nose again the second I got in the car. I think I was picking it while I was rewinding the tape. So sad. Thankfully, it was so hot, the stick-em stuff melted and the thing fell off the windshield and we never used it, but...

53:10 Drew Oh, that was a problem.

53:11 Adam Oh, you don't know.

53:13 Drew What?

53:13 Adam Well, look...

53:14 Drew I see you would drive home next to you at night.

53:16 Adam Here's the thing. If you want to put a camera in my car, I would then have to spray paint my Sun Visor orange and have a outline of a nose on it, a giant slash to it, and just keep it down the entire time because it's the only way I'm going to remember not to pick my nose while I'm driving. And Drew, let me ask you this. What goes on with the... with the Snuggies in the studio in the makeup stuff?

53:42 Drew What?

53:42 Adam You know what I'm talking about?

53:43 Drew Oh, yeah.

53:43 Adam It's dry.

53:44 Drew You know, I use the lights.

53:45 Adam The winds, the lights. Something's blowing around. It always sort of feels like... I know it's not the makeup because they don't put the makeup in your nose, but it's all dry and it's weird.

53:53 Drew When you're on TV, something strange happens when you're on television. A, hands don't go to your face. So you're not even doing this. You're not rubbing your nose. You don't even touch your face. You don't even rub your nose.

54:01 Adam Right.

54:02 Drew B, lights and air. It's air conditioning and hot lights.

54:05 Adam Yeah.

54:06 Drew And C, you're jacked up. You breathe harder. You're putting out energy when you're in front of a television for some reason. Just unnaturally.

54:13 Adam Yes, because on any time that I film, when I'm done filming, it's a marathon nose picking session that goes on in my dress room. And it seems like I'm pulling out makeup. It's all dried up. It's just the air.

54:27 Caller It's just the environment.

54:28 Drew But I don't think you're going when you're on TV. You're pushing.

54:31 Adam Yeah.

54:32 Drew And your hands never touch your face.

54:34 Adam I know. It's weird. It's so weird. You're on TV and you're like, Oh, my forehead itches. I wish I could touch it. Right.

54:39 Drew It's like being a surgeon or something. It's done.

54:41 Adam Right.

54:42 Drew So you know, you just keep your hands on the field.

54:44 Adam I like as more as like working a subway.

54:46 Caller Yeah.

54:48 Drew Well, they picked their nose. Trust me.

54:49 Caller Lillia. Yeah.

54:51 Drew So you black out seven times. You don't really black out. You just sort of wait. Actually, you do black out. You don't know where you've been. Now, one of the if this isn't a medical problem, the one sort of psychiatric condition that can cause this is like a multiple personality or dissociative disorder. We kind of dissociate. Did you have a lot of trauma when you were a kid?

55:10 Oh, yeah. But that's I mean, I'm over that and all that.

55:14 Adam Neither here nor there, Drew. Just a lucky guess.

55:16 Drew Yeah. No, people don't get over that. It affects how their brain functions.

55:21 Adam What happened when you were younger?

55:23 Well, my parents, they got divorced and they went through this like 12 year custody battle. And my dad was like doing just the legal stuff and like what? Well, he was smoking pot and we told it. We told my mom and he went in for a hair fall kill test. And the day before that, he came to court with his head shaved. And beforehand, he had hair down to his waist.

55:49 Caller And so that was chaos.

55:51 Drew That's not trauma as much.

55:52 Adam Yeah, that's child abuse, by the way. Dad, with the hair down to his waist.

55:56 Drew Exactly.

55:57 Adam Any creepier look than that.

55:58 He had hair down to his waist, a beard, like, down to the middle of his chest.

56:02 Drew All right, so a lot of crazy stuff.

56:03 Adam What did he do? Was he a road worker?

56:06 Drew For a living.

56:07 He was a roofer.

56:08 Drew Roofer.

56:09 Caller Oh, that's child abuse.

56:11 Adam Let me say this, Drew. They're doing a bunch of work on my street. I pass these Caltrans guys and they always have the huge biker beards and long hair. And first off, in the orange jumpsuit, when you go 375 pounds and you have a beard like St. Nick and hair down or whatever, you just look like the Michelin man. Got into drugs. Yeah, it's just a bear.

56:36 Drew Yeah, it's 85 degrees.

56:38 Adam You're wearing the lineman boots. You know, they got a two and a half inch heel on them. It's just mammoth guys just standing there. But I thought, what is it about the road repair, DWP, Caltrans guys that just turn them into weird, degenerate loner biker guys? And then what is that guy who's up on the roof or he's in the sewer or whatever? Here's the deal.

57:00 Drew When you have to go down into or up on something.

57:02 Adam Lose the beard.

57:02 Drew That's it.

57:03 Adam I used to. Yeah, you don't. If you're getting on top of things or going underneath things for a living, you got a horrible life. But here's the thing.

57:10 Drew And you got to lose the beard because it's just weird.

57:12 Adam You'll come out of the family of possum in there after you get out from under the crawl space. I used to do this. You feel like at the end, especially when it's hot, you feel like there's dust, you're sticky. I mean, you want a clean shaven head. You just do. It's like, what's going on over there, Michelle? By the way, what's going on? Whatever it is, stop it. It's driving me nuts behind me. Here's all I'm saying. Why do you want to have that full beard, a big old biker beard, and hair down your waist? Then someone tells you to get a five gallon bucket filled with hot tar and a hot mop and go up to the roof, 120 degrees up there. Have your stupid biker beard get dipped in the hot mop. What?

57:53 Drew I know. What's the logic? What's the plan?

57:55 Adam And I'm convinced those guys are just telling society, yes, kiss my ass. Just kiss it. Screw all of you. You want me to conform? Talk to the beard. That's really, it's obviously it's not a good look. Yeah. Obviously, it's not a practical thing. You're walking around with 60 pounds of mayonnaise and your beard, you don't even know what's there. It's a horrible look. It's totally impractical. You know what it is? It's just telling society, oh, I'll live amongst you, but I ain't you. Kiss my ass. I don't like that guy. I know no guys with big biker beards and I'm proud of it. And secondly, I don't know any of the guys with ridiculous mullets or any guys with rat tails hanging down or any old guys with the ponytails and the earrings and all that. You guys are ridiculous. Please. And who are the guys that are hanging out with these guys? They should be shunned. Yeah. If one of my friends tried to pull off the ponytail and the cowboy boots, I'd be like, are you high?

58:53 Caller You look like a clown.

58:55 Adam It's ridiculous. No, I'm not going out with you. It's embarrassing. Big biker beard guy. Come on, stop. These people need to be shunned. And here's the thing. They're asking to be shunned, everybody. That's why they have the three foot long beard and the seven foot long hair. They're saying, leave me alone, society. Let's just complete their mission. Yes.

59:18 Drew Yeah.

59:18 Adam All right.

59:19 Drew But, Lily, if it's not something psychological or psychiatric, then we have to go down the medical path, which is quite a bit more serious. I mean, in terms of your safety.

59:30 When I was 14 months old, I had spinal meningitis.

59:34 Drew Yeah.

59:34 And they said that it would be unreal if I lived. And so then they're saying things about people going blind because of it, and people going deaf like your dad.

59:47 Drew Yeah. That's not you. That's not you. Okay. Well, that's not you. You would be deaf and blind then. That happens during the episode of meningitis. And I'm sure your family lore is loaded with all kinds of drama because your parents are full of chaos. Fact is, meningitis is a common thing in young children.

1:00:04 Adam Miracle that she's alive.

1:00:05 Drew Yeah, and it's easily treated these days, and that's that.

1:00:08 Adam How dare you.

1:00:09 Drew So, you had meningitis. Now, it can predispose to seizure disorders. And so perhaps you have something called...

1:00:15 Adam The doctor gave her a one in one and a quarter chance of living.

1:00:18 Drew There's something called partial.

1:00:20 Adam Did they ever do that to you? You should do that with all your patients.

1:00:23 Drew He told me to be quantitative. And I told you, remember you were saying like, what exactly the percent risk? You don't do that.

1:00:28 Adam Yeah.

1:00:29 Drew You know that I just read an article. They're saying we should do more than... Should do more quantitative.

1:00:35 Adam Yeah.

1:00:35 Drew Specific quantitative stuff.

1:00:37 Adam Yeah.

1:00:38 Drew Yeah.

1:00:38 Adam But I'd say you break it up into quarters and stuff and just have fun.

1:00:43 Drew One in a quarter percent.

1:00:43 Adam They're confusing, Mike.

1:00:45 Drew You got an eight, 15, 16th chance of surviving.

1:00:48 Adam You got a three 30 seconds out of a 13, 16th chance of survival, mister. And that's if you act today.

1:00:54 Drew Don't go metric. No metric measurements.

1:00:59 Adam You got a nine millimeter chance out of a 14 centimeter cancer. Yeah, do that, Drew. Okay.

1:01:08 Drew So you are known to have a seizure disorder?

1:01:11 Yeah, because when my brain kept seething and.

1:01:16 Drew Lillia, stay with me. You're on medication for a seizure disorder now?

1:01:21 No, no, no, no.

1:01:23 Drew You've never had seizures in your young life, in your adult life.

1:01:26 Adam You're going to sue people when you get older.

1:01:28 Drew What's that?

1:01:29 In my adult life, no, I've never had. All right.

1:01:31 Drew This may or may not be something called partial complex seizures. You need to have an EEG to see. You need to have some brain scans done, but it may well be that this has a psychological basis to it. There are also a car rhythm problem. Do you take any drugs or medication?

1:01:47 I'm sorry. What was that?

1:01:48 Drew Do you take any drugs or medication?

1:01:50 No, other than allergen medication. That's it.

1:01:52 Drew Well, that can screw you up sometimes.

1:01:54 Adam What are you allergic to?

1:01:58 Any flower that has pollen, anything that stinks, any ragweed, dust, smoke.

1:02:05 Drew Cats, dogs, people, houses, molds.

1:02:07 Adam Right. These are the people that you're lightness. You're smoking a cigarette 150 yards away from the opening of the restaurant, that they're deep inside of and they're going to come out and tell you to put it out. All right. What a shocker that she's got allergies. Here's the thing. People get abused, people get screwed with. Amazingly, they have problems with everything and then the lawsuits start coming.

1:02:30 Drew Well, now that they-

1:02:30 Adam They should really sue their stupid biker, roofer, dad, but instead they become society's problem.

1:02:34 Drew Every interaction is a victimization.

1:02:36 Adam Yes, yes. Lillia, please, for the love of Christ, get yourself some help. You're 17. Your family's horrible. Oh, oh, you're laughing now. I see you down the road. I see you.

1:02:47 Caller I've always been laughing.

1:02:49 Adam Don't have any kids. Please don't have any kids.

1:02:52 Caller No, see, it's- I mean, my mom-

1:02:56 Adam Just don't have any kids. Please, no more goddamn kids. Stupid. You know what? I'm the worst guy in the world with this stuff, but all these- all these allergies, everybody. I'm- I've been such an ass full of you people telling me what you can't eat, what you can't drink, what you can't see, what you can't taste. Well, you don't understand. Those peanuts- Oh, no. Oh, oh, well, no, I don't have to eat the peanuts. There's peanut particles in the air from you eating peanuts. Oh, could you shut up? Here's the thing. If a peanut particle on a Southwest flight will put you into anaphylactic shock and kill you-

1:03:35 Drew You should not leave home.

1:03:36 Adam Drive to goddamn Vegas.

1:03:38 Drew You should not leave home.

1:03:39 Adam You should have John Travolta's hefty bag over your head from that 70s movie, and do not leave the goddamn house. Everybody, everybody who got put into a wheelchair or who could potentially be put into a wheelchair because I hit you at two miles an hour and caused no damage to the vehicles, stay at home. All you who will go into shock, stay at home. All of you who are allergic and will break out in hives because you catch a little second hand smoke blowing your way, stay at home. And here's the other thing too. I'm tired of everyone doing this where they're like, why should I have to stay at home? How come I shouldn't? Because you're the one with the alleged syndrome. That's why you should stay at home. Because the other 110 people on the goddamn Southwest flight don't have a syndrome. See, you do, not us. You, one of you, 119 of us. That's why you should stay at home. That whole, this whole society where it's like, why should my kid not be able to participate? Why? Because he has something that nobody else has. And your plan is to hobble the entire class. And that's the direction we're going, everybody. I'm allergic to secondhand smoke. I should be able to go into a bar. Well, you know what? You can't, because you're allergic to secondhand smoke, which you're not really allergic to. But you say you are, so stay the F at home. Breathe through your HEPA filter. Make sure and put that goofy dust mask on when you walk around outside, so everyone knows you're a lunatic. And complain to your husband who wants to kill himself. That's what you need to do. Leave us out of your neuroses. Please stop sucking us into your neuroses. That's what this society has turned into. A handful of effed up people that are casting an erotic play. And don't worry, there's a part for all of you.

1:05:35 Drew Victim survivors.

1:05:37 Adam Yes, you were victimized. I'm sorry you were victimized. You need to punish your father for that, or your uncle, or your mother, or your entire clan. Please leave me the eff out of your victim play. I just want to have a sack of peanuts on a Southwest flight and blow butt out front of a restaurant on occasion. Without you getting your lawyers involved.

1:05:58 Drew You need to carry a glass out there while you do it. Can you imagine that?

1:06:03 Adam It's so awesome. It's so awesome. Remember the RAAF party for the Man Show like three years ago, maybe five years ago, we were in a bowling alley. Everyone's getting drunk. People get drunk. They want to smoke, you know. They do that thing where you're walking out with your drink. Out in the park, out in the side, not the street, just the side. Put the drink down. What's that? Set the, you can't smoke, you can't smoke here. You gotta go deep into the parking lot, but you can't carry your drink, which is already a plastic cup out there, because, so everyone has to sort of set their drinks in the corner on the carpet, and then go out and smoke the cigarette, and then try to find out which drink is theirs. What are we doing here, people? That's the way we're gonna play it. We're gonna let a couple of effed up incest survivors, a couple of effed up abuse survivors, we're gonna let them dictate policy for this country? We're gonna listen to them? What's going on? Look, I'm sorry for what happened to you, but we're sane. You're nuts. You don't get a vote. Why does everyone's vote count the same? Slippery slope, Drew, but come on.

1:07:13 Drew Play some accordion countdown. Really? Yeah. Here we go.

1:07:17 Caller Ace's Ranchero countdown.

1:07:19 Caller No good. You don't like that game.

1:07:21 Drew What's the vote?

1:07:23 Adam I see her on, who the hell is that? Entertainment Tonight. That was the assistant of, what's her name? Mark McGrath.

1:07:31 Drew Stana.

1:07:32 Adam Devin?

1:07:32 Drew Devin.

1:07:33 Adam Yeah. That's a poor name. Every time I blurt out a name, I think it might be a poor name. Buffy Davis.

1:07:40 Caller What?

1:07:42 No. Oh, no.

1:07:44 Adam She was from Family Fair. All right. Now look, let's take a break and then we'll play Ace's Ranchero recording countdown. Do you want to try one?

1:07:53 Drew I want to quickie. Two seconds.

1:07:54 Adam You want a quickie?

1:07:54 Drew I got two seconds.

1:07:55 Adam I thought we were doing that tomorrow night.

1:07:57 Caller All right.

1:07:57 Adam Let's do it tonight.

1:07:58 Drew Two seconds.

1:07:58 Caller All right.

1:07:59 Adam Here's the thing. We play the Ranchero music. Engineer's Michelle pots it up. It's a random. We got to reset with this. We haven't done it wrong. It's a random Ranchero song. The worst music on the god damn planet. I hear it blaring on every construction site I've ever worked on. We play a random Ranchero song and we've never heard it before. We start it in the middle. At the end, at the beginning, we don't know where we're starting it in the song. A random place. And Drew and I, we bet how long before you hear that horrible accordion kicking in. Drew, what are you going with?

1:08:32 Drew Two seconds.

1:08:33 Adam Two seconds.

1:08:34 Drew Yeah, bold.

1:08:35 Adam Bold. And by the way, whoever gets closer wins. I'm not going for this crap where I go three seconds and it's 11 seconds. So there.

1:08:44 Drew Yeah.

1:08:45 Adam Well, I guess I would win. But I'm not doing this thing where, oh, you went over or I went over. It's just whoever's closest.

1:08:50 Drew Right.

1:08:50 Adam Right. OK. I'm going to go six seconds.

1:08:53 Caller All right.

1:08:54 Adam That's a long time. Now, let us cue up the clock here so we can start.

1:08:57 Caller You ready?

1:08:58 Adam Three, two, one, go.

1:09:03 Caller Oh, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

1:09:11 Adam I like it laugh. I should do my reenactment every single morning, working on my house for two years.

1:09:17 Drew Was this on the TLC show too? Would Ozzy play this?

1:09:20 Adam No, I can't clear it.

1:09:22 Drew Oh, you can't get the flavor of the real construction site.

1:09:27 Adam Yeah, I heat it up just a little, Michelle.

1:09:31 Caller I like this one.

1:09:33 Drew It's a real ranchero song.

1:09:35 Adam I'm in my bathroom. I've come downstairs. I went to bed drunk at 2.30, it's 8.15. Ozzy, Rogelio, Ozzy, what's going on?

1:09:44 Caller What are you guys working on?

1:09:46 Caller Well, wait a minute.

1:09:49 Adam Well, we're doing a, no, we're doing a color coat. No, you put the scratch coat on first, and then you do the color coat, and you got to use a notch. No, the brown coat's not gonna stick if you don't use a notch.

1:10:01 Caller Will you shut this music off? Shut it off! Shut it off!

1:10:06 Adam That's how it works.

1:10:08 Drew Nice.

1:10:08 Adam There's nothing that gets on your nerves faster than rancher music.

1:10:11 Drew And they must have really f'd up the stucco in your house because every time you got that That's what I always think of the stucco. Scratch coat going down.

1:10:19 Adam But does anyone know why Mexico hasn't launched a satellite in a while? Yeah, think about this music, everybody. Cannot do complex math equations with the accordion.

1:10:32 Drew Strangely, all of your songs revolve around something to do with Germany. Because as we've learned, well, it's Germany and Florida, of course, and we've learned material music came from German beer meisters setting up camp down in Mazatlan.

1:10:44 Adam I know. But I know the Germans were like, look, we can't get our rocket program off the ground with this horrible accordion music. Let's go drop it off in Mexico. They dropped it off over there. They immediately heard it and started drinking, and they went back to Germany and started on the V1. That's how it works. You hear this music, you have to start drinking, but you have to drown out the accordion. It's your only choice.

1:11:10 Caller This guy's wild too.

1:11:12 Adam Here's the thing, every day in Mexico is Oktoberfest. That's the problem.

1:11:16 Drew Right.

1:11:17 Adam Someone's got to pipe in some classical over there and get a little work done. All right. You know what I'm saying.

1:11:22 Drew It's masonry music.

1:11:24 Adam This is work. This is music to go out in the sun, get a little buzz and start stacking some cinder block. That's what you do to this music. You don't sit down and try to work out solid fuel boosters and O-rings. It just doesn't happen. Let's just be honest. That's how it works. That's what we got to pipe in classical Mexico, get the economy back on its feet. Write that down. That's a good idea.

1:11:47 Caller Take a quick break.

1:11:48 Adam Michelle's half Mexican. Half. Full? Yeah. I like thinking of her as half. Full Mexican and she knows I'm right.

1:11:55 Caller Am I right?

1:11:56 Caller Half Mexican, half Spanish.

1:11:58 Caller Oh, I don't know.

1:11:59 Adam No, there's a difference. Oh, there is?

1:12:01 Caller Yeah. Okay.

1:12:03 Adam We'll look into that. Okay.

1:12:04 Caller All right. All right. We'll be back after these words from our sponsors. All right.

1:12:08 Caller We will.

1:12:12 Caller We'll be right back. Call on the 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:12:16 Adam Want to dress up your sex life? Visit durx.com. There's sex and then there's Durx. There, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1-er. Tasting a little wine here tonight.

1:12:49 Drew Yeah, it's a celebration. It's like a wake.

1:12:53 Adam Yeah, I always do this right. I always say, if I find a wine that I like, I'm just gonna order a case of it, but I never do. And maybe it's because I'm drunk.

1:13:04 Drew When you find it.

1:13:04 Adam When I find it. But I make that proclamation. You know, you go out to dinner somewhere, you're traveling and go, oh, this is the hole. This is, oh, it's an actor. God, what is it? Wait, you can talk. What is this? The hole? What's the vineyard? Uh-huh. And you write it down or something. And then that's when it ends.

1:13:20 Drew That's you and me.

1:13:21 Adam Yeah, I know. The Whatever the Month Club, though.

1:13:27 Drew Yeah, that's good.

1:13:27 Adam Come down with that.

1:13:28 Drew That's very good.

1:13:29 Adam But here's the thing about the Whatever the Month Club, as I was thinking about it, because I was talking to my makeup lady today, who's Jimmy's makeup lady, and she was like, what do I get Jimmy? And it's hard to get a guy who has 37 TVs and 15 barbecues, anything, because there's everything in between. Yes, his pizza oven in his car. He's actually that committed to making pizza. It's a trailer. The point is, is what do you get him? And everyone is screwed because he has ten of everything. So, I always just do that. Well, I'll just get the whatever the month, whatever. I'll go for the expensive ones. Just get some nice wine. You get a nice case of wine every a couple bottles every month and it's cool. I tell people to get me that, but I realize two months in or maybe a month and a half in, I forgot who this is coming from.

1:14:17 Drew Right, of course.

1:14:18 Adam They need to put your name on there.

1:14:20 Drew Each time. Yeah.

1:14:21 Adam Yes.

1:14:21 Drew Why not?

1:14:22 Adam I don't care if it's Jerky of the Month, Coffee of the Month, Porn of the Month, or Wine of the Month.

1:14:27 Drew Is there a Porn of the Month?

1:14:28 Adam I don't know, but write that down if there's not. Get my hands on it. All I'm saying is, I would get signed up for those Wine of the Month and what Beer of the Month, whatever the month thing is, and after half hour after the person told it to me, the first month I would get, I wouldn't know who it came from, and I would never be able to thank that person or think happy thoughts about that person. And I just thought, if I'm going to plop down four or five hundred bucks and get someone on a nice one of those of the month club, I want to picture myself on a big picture.

1:14:58 Drew It should be.

1:14:58 Caller Picture me going, hey, hey, hey, how about it?

1:15:01 Adam Right here, who loves ya?

1:15:03 Caller Who loves ya?

1:15:04 Adam Big cardboard cut out of me. Who loves ya? That would be my whole thing of the month club. If I had one of those of the month club businesses, I'd be like, look, we do the beer package, we'll give you 13 bakers' dozen beers of the world each month, delivered in a stay fresh styrofoam container. That's $89.95. If you want us to tell them that it's from you, that's another $200. I would just pay it.

1:15:32 Caller Yeah?

1:15:33 Adam Yes?

1:15:33 Caller I think you're right, yeah.

1:15:34 Adam Do they not do that? They don't do that.

1:15:36 Drew No, they don't.

1:15:37 Caller It's just here it is.

1:15:38 Adam And if you get a few of them going, oh, you got the cigars coming, you got the red wine coming, you got the beer coming, well, forget it.

1:15:45 Drew Yeah, you're right.

1:15:45 Adam You're done. You have no idea. I just assume I got it for myself that way. I don't have to be nice to anyone.

1:15:50 Drew You wouldn't be nice anyway, but no.

1:15:52 Adam I have my chance. I might think, I wonder if that guy got me the beer.

1:15:55 Drew I'll be nice to him. So he's doing nice.

1:15:56 Adam I'm just on the chance. So he gets it for me next year. Every goddamn month, it should say, hey, remember the Ace man, still giving.

1:16:05 Drew You're right.

1:16:06 Adam All that other crap, all wore out, but not this guy. Why don't they do that, Drew? It wouldn't take them two minutes, right?

1:16:13 Drew You open a business, I'll compete the guys that have the business currently.

1:16:16 Adam I'm going to do that, Drew. I'm going to leave the radio and do that.

1:16:19 Drew That's a good idea.

1:16:21 Adam Patrick?

1:16:21 Caller Yeah.

1:16:22 Adam 28? What's up?

1:16:26 Caller Well, ever since I got married at 16 and such.

1:16:31 Drew What?

1:16:32 Caller Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1:16:33 Adam Married at 16?

1:16:35 Caller Yeah. Why? To get out of the house primarily.

1:16:40 Drew You're a Mormon? All right.

1:16:43 Caller Yeah, it was a bad situation there.

1:16:46 Drew Are you a Mormon?

1:16:48 Caller I can't, I didn't hear you. What?

1:16:50 Drew Are you a Mormon?

1:16:51 Caller No.

1:16:52 Adam No.

1:16:52 Caller Okay. All right.

1:16:53 Adam Joe Batten 1000, virtual Drew. Yeah, but just understand, a lot of people get out of the house early. You couldn't have just had the quiet dignity like me to let your stepmom kick you out. You had to get married?

1:17:06 Caller Yeah, pretty much. I tried to run away, do all the normal stuff, but it didn't work.

1:17:13 Adam Okay. You're gay. Are you gay?

1:17:16 Caller No. No, I, my problem is, is that I'm, you know, getting close to 30 and stuff and I'm wanting to settle down, but all the women that I seem to attract are the kind that just want to have sex for a while and then be done.

1:17:35 Adam That's rough.

1:17:36 Drew Adam hates that type.

1:17:38 Adam A tab would get tired of that in about 70 years. 70, 75 years. Burnt out.

1:17:44 Caller Nah, try it sometime. It's not as much fun as you think.

1:17:47 Caller Hold on.

1:17:49 Adam What's up with Patrick?

1:17:50 Drew Gay.

1:17:51 Caller Gay?

1:17:52 Adam You're gay too.

1:17:55 Caller Why?

1:17:56 Drew Well, he's such a severe chaos in his home, he had to get married to get out of it. He's gay. He comes from a lot of stuff here.

1:18:02 Adam Patrick?

1:18:03 Caller Yeah.

1:18:04 Adam Ever been with a guy?

1:18:05 Drew No.

1:18:07 Adam Not even once?

1:18:08 Caller Nope.

1:18:11 Drew Ever been interested in that?

1:18:12 Adam 69 and counts, you know.

1:18:13 Caller No. I've never been interested.

1:18:18 Adam What went on at your home that you had to get out of there at 16?

1:18:22 Caller A lot of abuse. My mother was a man hater and a lot of stuff there. I went through a lot of physical abuse. I've been through six years of therapy.

1:18:32 Adam When did your dad rape you?

1:18:34 Caller No. My dad was never in my life. He left him at two when I was two years old.

1:18:39 Drew What happened when he was around?

1:18:42 Caller I have no idea because I had nothing to do with him since I was two.

1:18:45 Drew I understand. Two years there. Two years, by the way, is not one day.

1:18:48 Adam I just realized, I don't have to leave the show. We have virtual Adam.

1:18:53 Drew Yeah.

1:18:53 Adam I'll just continue on without me.

1:18:55 Drew You're right.

1:18:56 Adam Just Anderson. We'll just do virtual Adam. That's all. Kick Anderson. Bump him up to nine bucks an hour and let him work his fingers. Yeah.

1:19:07 Drew Are you a Mormon?

1:19:08 Adam That's virtual, true.

1:19:10 Patrick.

1:19:11 Caller Yeah.

1:19:12 Adam Drew has a quick question about your religion.

1:19:17 Caller I'm not Mormon. I actually don't believe in any normal organized religion.

1:19:21 Drew Are you a Mormon?

1:19:22 Caller No.

1:19:24 Caller Normal.

1:19:25 Normal.

1:19:26 Caller All right.

1:19:27 Adam So a lot of chaos at home. Mom hated men.

1:19:30 Drew Do you know what happened before your dad left? What it was like in the house when he was around for those two years?

1:19:35 Caller I've heard bits and pieces that it wasn't the best of situations and such, but never anything specific.

1:19:42 Drew Okay.

1:19:43 Adam All right. So the question now is how do you find a quality woman?

1:19:47 Caller Yeah. Well, how do I attract a quality woman and notice it when I first see it?

1:19:54 Adam Well, look, I mean, look, it's really, it's like, it's a non-question and it's you like calling saying, how do I improve my vertical leap?

1:20:04 Caller Right.

1:20:04 Adam I don't know. Start jumping. Just go out and meet women.

1:20:09 Caller Yeah.

1:20:10 Adam But look, everybody, here's what everyone should be working on. Now it's like I'm the godfather of getting old. I'm not going to be here forever. I want the family to continue. So I feel I have to impart these pearls of wisdom. Everybody should be working on tuning in their satellite dish to pick up the signals of people and the world. Let me just give this analogy.

1:20:40 Drew And interpreting what comes in through your satellite too.

1:20:42 Adam Yeah.

1:20:42 Drew Being able to read it.

1:20:44 Adam Right. Yes. I think that was implied.

1:20:46 Caller But yes.

1:20:47 Drew It's not just picking up. You may pick up a strong signal and go, I got to have that. And then that's a bad idea.

1:20:53 Adam Well, again, it's implied. But yes, I know you're putting a finer point on it. And that's what I'm saying, which is to say, you have a dish up on your roof and you turn it to north, face the south or wherever you have to face it. And if it's a couple of degrees this way or that way, you get a fuzzy picture. And if it's turned too far, you get no picture. And what you're looking for is clarity. And here's the thing, all you have to deal with is other humans. That's it. You don't have to communicate with Martians or polar bears, just other human beings. So everyone, work on getting that dish situated so you get the clearest picture possible so you can process the information. I feel like a lot of people's dish just got hit by a rock and it broke off the lag bowl that's just hanging, dangling, facing the ground. And they just don't get anything and they just go through life with no reception.

1:21:50 Drew Or it's like on top of a robot. They just react without any interpretation.

1:21:55 Caller Yeah.

1:21:57 Adam Everybody, please get focused in, get tuned in, start learning how to read people. That's all you have in life.

1:22:03 Drew And read yourself in response to those people.

1:22:05 Caller Yeah.

1:22:05 Adam Go out, meet people, learn how people work, ask questions, read books, all that stuff, and then make informed decisions.

1:22:13 Drew And realize that you may be attracted to the wrong kind of people. And so when you're super attracted to somebody, that's not somebody you go out with. Sorry, but if you have trauma and stuff, you're going to be attracted to bad people.

1:22:23 Adam Right. Everybody. That's why I make the big bucks. Tune in.

1:22:26 Drew Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:22:27 Adam I got to get some more booze.

1:22:28 Drew Yeah. Okay.

1:22:29 Adam Okay.

1:22:29 Caller Tune in.

1:22:30 Adam Hey, it takes all kinds.

1:22:32 Caller Yeah.

1:22:33 Caller Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Virtual Adam, everybody.

1:22:36 Caller All right.

1:22:37 Adam Take a quick break. Be right back after this. Hey, yo, loveliner man, I'm that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1. Thinking about leaving the show, Drew, and I was wondering where to take my headphones with me, and then I realized, I don't know if these are my headphones.

1:23:20 Drew No.

1:23:21 Adam Do I own headphones?

1:23:21 Drew No.

1:23:22 Adam Wow. You know what we call them in the business?

1:23:24 Drew Cans.

1:23:25 Adam That's right.

1:23:26 Drew They rip these cans off from other people for us every night.

1:23:28 Caller Oh, really?

1:23:30 Bouncy, bouncy.

1:23:31 Adam Didn't I used to have headphones? I mean, cans?

1:23:34 Drew No.

1:23:35 Adam I thought I bought some once.

1:23:37 Drew Yeah, maybe like eight years ago you and I had headphones.

1:23:39 Adam So what are these?

1:23:39 Drew They keep getting ripped off, so we just stop wearing them.

1:23:41 Adam These aren't like Jed the Fish's or Sluggos or anything, are they?

1:23:45 Drew I don't know. You have Loveline cans, specifically. Hold on, do you have like a Jed?

1:23:53 Adam Do you have any Pure Elms show?

1:23:55 Caller You do? Yeah.

1:23:56 Adam You got it in a five-gallon bucket?

1:23:57 Caller You need to dip these things.

1:23:58 Drew I'm going to go drink it.

1:24:00 Caller Oh, no!

1:24:03 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:24:05 Adam Quentin?

1:24:06 Caller Hey.

1:24:06 Adam What's happening? 13?

1:24:08 Caller Yep.

1:24:09 Caller Adam, I love you.

1:24:11 Caller Oh, wait, wait.

1:24:11 Caller Adam.

1:24:13 Adam Thanks, buddy. Appreciate it.

1:24:15 Caller I've been listening to you every single night, 6th grade. Well.

1:24:19 Caller I called in a while ago, my focus.

1:24:22 Adam But you're 13. You're 13, right?

1:24:25 Caller Yeah, this is a bogus call.

1:24:26 Adam A bogus call. But hold on a second. I started this gig when you were three. And Drew had been in nine years before you were born.

1:24:35 Caller Yeah.

1:24:37 Adam Wow. Yeah.

1:24:39 Caller Wow. Let's see.

1:24:40 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:24:43 Caller Well, I called a while ago.

1:24:46 Bogus call.

1:24:46 Caller I was all like, my family's not cheating on my skin. Dad was cheating on my stepmom.

1:24:51 Caller Oh, boy.

1:24:54 Thank God.

1:24:54 Adam You know, the only solace I have is that the bogus callers, they stand hold for 83 minutes.

1:25:01 Drew And I see bogus just in the presentation of the call.

1:25:03 Adam Drew really does.

1:25:05 Caller Yeah, my name's even bogus.

1:25:07 Adam Oh, right. It's not actually bogus, is it?

1:25:10 I think you just made this a fake name. I love you, Adam.

1:25:12 Caller And you've, like, I listen to you guys, honestly, every single night, sixth grade.

1:25:18 I hope you have...

1:25:19 Adam Thank you. Thank you. I cut them off. I can't take any more. But, you know, I'll get into a little more tomorrow night. But, you know, one of the things I was thinking of as I was talking, going through it, my sort of mind's eye about what the last night would be and some of the things I wanted to impart to the listeners before I depart. One of the things I was thinking about is this. If you've listened to the show, thanks, Hanson. If you've listened to the show, you probably realize that I've said everything I have to say, maybe more. Said it ten times.

1:25:52 Drew So you can repeat it tomorrow.

1:25:53 Caller Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:25:54 Adam I really feel like if the greatest tribute you could pay to the Ace man is to hear some of the words of the past, then apply it. It's not rocket science. Blah, blah, blah. Just telling you, you know, don't crap out the kids at 14.

1:26:13 Drew Use the morning after pill.

1:26:14 Adam Stay out of junior college. Use the morning after pill. Get a job and fight to keep it. That kind of thing.

1:26:20 Drew Don't waste your time in junior college.

1:26:21 Adam Eat pie instead of cake. Simple things. Ignore those left turn arrows when they go red.

1:26:27 Drew We need to make a list of these things.

1:26:28 Adam Yeah. That's all I want you to do.

1:26:30 Drew What it's to live by.

1:26:31 Adam That would be the greatest gift you could give me would be just to move on. That would mean the most to me. That would mean that I made some impact. Andrew?

1:26:41 Yes.

1:26:42 Adam You're 18?

1:26:43 Caller Yes.

1:26:44 Adam Been on hold for 109 minutes.

1:26:46 Caller Yeah.

1:26:47 Adam Poor Andrew. There was one Germany or Florida and then there was another Germany or Florida and we took the other Germany or Florida hour and 45 minutes ago. But they both got on at the same time. Adam Corolla.

1:27:00 Caller All right. So I have a Germany reporter for you guys.

1:27:03 Caller Hold on.

1:27:03 Adam We got to hear the theme.

1:27:05 Caller Is it Germany or Florida? Germany or Florida?

1:27:19 Caller Let's find out.

1:27:26 Drew Can we just do a little thing with him turning the names of pharmaceutical hormones?

1:27:30 Adam That would be awesome. I forgot about that.

1:27:32 Drew And the young black diagrams of ethanol, estradiol, which is...

1:27:36 Caller Ethanol, estradiol, northindril.

1:27:38 Drew It's the progesterone. It's the levonorgestrille.

1:27:42 Caller Where is levonorgestrille?

1:27:44 Drew Or the northindrille.

1:27:45 Caller Northindrille.

1:27:47 Caller Put that whiffle ball back down.

1:27:49 Caller Come in the house.

1:27:51 Caller It's so behind. I'm sick of these kids, man.

1:27:56 Adam Oh, that's right. That's what we need.

1:27:58 Drew Yeah.

1:27:58 Adam Well, you know, we'll do that tomorrow night, God willing. Dag is going to be on the Too Late program next week.

1:28:05 Drew Oh, perfect.

1:28:06 Adam And you're coming in, Drew.

1:28:07 Drew Oh, I am? What day?

1:28:09 Adam Oh, it's Wednesday, so I hope you can make it.

1:28:12 Drew Oh, what time?

1:28:14 Adam 3, 3.30, something like that. OK, buddy, because we got to all work down.

1:28:21 Drew All right.

1:28:23 Adam Andrew, I put him on hold.

1:28:25 Drew Why the hell do you people call me and tell me this stuff?

1:28:28 Adam I told him today. Andrew?

1:28:30 Caller Yes.

1:28:32 Caller Oh, hi, this is Adam.

1:28:34 Caller Please leave a message.

1:28:36 Drew All right, Andrew, here we go.

1:28:37 Adam Here we go.

1:28:38 Caller All right. I can't write it off with its owner's toe after he accidentally chopped it off with a kitchen knife. Mr. Reed, 41, dropped a bread knife on his bare foot, slicing off the second toe. He hopped to the bathroom for a bandage and came back to find his cat had gobbled up the toe and darted into the garden. It was never found. Doctors said the digit could have been reattached if the cat had not taken it.

1:28:59 Drew Florida. Mr. Reed.

1:29:03 Adam Reed feels more like Florida. We're going Florida.

1:29:06 Drew Cat, Florida.

1:29:07 Adam Reed could be German, couldn't it? I mean, it doesn't have to be Schnurzendolfer or something. That kind of crap does it. They got a couple of Reeds over there, right?

1:29:17 Drew Yeah, but I still feel Florida to me.

1:29:20 Adam Okay.

1:29:20 Drew Running into the garden, cats.

1:29:23 Adam Yeah, but it feels sort of B.S.y too.

1:29:25 Drew Yeah.

1:29:26 Adam The international B.S.y.

1:29:27 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:29:27 Adam I'm going Germany.

1:29:30 Drew Andrew.

1:29:31 Caller Adam, you got it right. It's Lubeck, Germany.

1:29:34 Adam Oh, I knew it and I knew it was Lubeck too. Thanks, Andrew. On hold for 110 minutes. Thank you, buddy. I'm going to talk to John from Atlanta. John?

1:29:48 Caller Yo, what's good, Adam?

1:29:50 Adam What's happening, John? 19. Thanks for calling.

1:29:53 Caller Not much. Adam. Corolla.

1:29:55 Adam All right.

1:29:58 Caller Listen, I'm 19, I'm silver version and it's bananas because I've had past relationships and these girls have just like just totally just cheered on me. Everything under the sun. I've been nothing but swells on, but now it just feels like, like I'm going nowhere.

1:30:18 Adam And my these girls, they've been cheating on me and I've been nothing but swells. He took swell and balls and turned it into one super word. I'd say I've been a perfect swells.

1:30:34 Drew I've been nothing but swells on.

1:30:36 Adam My daddy taught me you've got to treat a lady with swells on. What was that word? You know what that word is? You know, they say that swills is dead, but I'm here to say that swills is alive and thriving in this country. John, what do you treat women with?

1:30:56 Caller Uh, respect.

1:30:58 Caller Oh, there you go.

1:31:00 Caller I was kind of like falling asleep. He caught me before I was snoring.

1:31:05 Drew All right, what's the question?

1:31:06 Caller But anyway, it's just like, I need my confidence back. You know what I'm saying?

1:31:12 Drew Because he needs his mojo. You got to give this guy's mojo back.

1:31:16 Adam What do you mean confidence back? You're a virgin. Where were you getting laid in the fifth grade?

1:31:19 Caller No, but he cheated on me. I had girls that offered me my oral sex. I've had oral sex, you know, out the wazoo. You know what I'm saying?

1:31:28 Drew Really?

1:31:28 Caller Yeah, yeah, come on.

1:31:30 Adam Oh, no, you didn't! I think we got a wigger here, by the way.

1:31:34 Drew What's that mean?

1:31:35 Adam That's a white guy who could be black.

1:31:40 Drew I never heard of that.

1:31:41 Adam You never heard of it?

1:31:42 Drew Uh-uh.

1:31:42 Adam Must be so nice for you to pretend like you never heard of anything.

1:31:45 Drew I've never heard it. Michelle, what does it mean? Put the mic on, tell me. Because Adam, Adam.

1:31:50 Adam Oh, let me tell you, let me explain something.

1:31:52 Drew Do the, do the wigger man.

1:31:54 Adam I just did it.

1:31:55 Drew I just did it.

1:31:56 Adam Yeah, that's what they call them. I didn't make it up.

1:31:58 Drew I never heard of it.

1:31:59 Adam I'm just, you know, I'm just, I work for a newspaper.

1:32:03 Drew I know, I get it. I get it.

1:32:04 Adam Never heard that, huh?

1:32:05 Caller Never. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. I'm from Queens, New York and I'm black, man. For real.

1:32:09 Adam Oh, you are?

1:32:10 Caller Yeah.

1:32:12 Adam Well, I was about to say what they call that, but then, you know.

1:32:14 Caller I'm on the radio. I'm not, I'm not trying to, you know, cut.

1:32:16 Drew What are you doing in Atlanta?

1:32:18 Caller I'm going to school here. I'm getting ready to go down there.

1:32:21 Drew Emory? Where do you go to school? Emory?

1:32:24 Caller Georgia Southern.

1:32:25 Drew Georgia Southern.

1:32:26 Adam All right. So you are a virgin, but you've received plenty of oral.

1:32:32 Drew And the question is, how, yes.

1:32:36 Caller I need my mojo back. Like I'm getting teased, laughed at. And in any given moment, I might just push my interface because I'm sick of it.

1:32:45 Adam Okay. All right, Drew.

1:32:47 Drew Beauty of guys.

1:32:48 Adam When a guy, when a guy's getting cheated upon regularly, that means he's picking bad women regularly.

1:32:54 Drew Yes.

1:32:55 Adam Right?

1:32:55 Drew You know what I want to say to him is focus on your studies and get your mojo back by changing your number.

1:33:00 Adam It's weird. He didn't sound like a virgin and then turns out he's getting blown ten ways this Sunday and then you realize, oh, that's why he doesn't sound like him.

1:33:07 Drew Right. On the other hand, he won't be able to hold him for that. So I think I just try to date a bunch of people and try to, you know, and whoever you were dating before. Don't have a girlfriend right now. All right.

1:33:19 Adam How about that? Just focus and date. All right. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Well, that's it everybody. Thanks for tuning in tonight, and we'll be back for the farewell show tomorrow night. So, until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:34:21 Caller I've been nothing but swellsome.

1:34:23 Adam He took swell and balsam and turned it into one super word. I tell you, I've been in perfect swellsome. My daddy taught me you gotta treat a lady with swellsome. What was that word?

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Wednesday, November 2, 2005