Episode 1000734577979

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:01 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Voiceover Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Hard to speak with that in the background.

1:28 Drew It's sort of spooky Halloween music.

1:30 Adam Yeah, but the scariest part is how much it acts up my cadence.

1:33 That is scary.

1:34 Adam It is Loveline, we have a very ghoulish Halloween edition. Fiona Horn is here, almost an apple. Fiona Horn is here. She's a bonafide witch. When I say bonafide, I mean you'd like to boner. She's hot. Don't believe me? She's in Playboy this month. Or last month or whatever month they're in. I mean, we're in October, but Playboy is in November 2011. Yes, they inch up three weeks every month. Looking good, looking naked. Welcome to the show, Fiona.

2:04 Fiona Horne Thank you. It's sky-clad, actually. Clad by the sky in a pure and perfect state. We consider the naked body to be a sacred expression of the divine force. So we call it sky-clad, not nude.

2:15 Adam Sky-clad.

2:16 Fiona Horne Oh, sky-clad. Sky-clad. Clad by the sky.

2:19 Adam Either way, we call it beaten off. Any way you want to call it.

2:24 Fiona Horne Raising some energy.

2:25 Adam Here's the, yes, that's right.

2:27 Drew Touch some chi.

2:28 Adam Little chi relief. Chi waist gait, that's what I call it. Blow off a little of that extra steam. Fiona is a Wiccan, and that's why we have her in here. But every time I talk to the Wiccans, it always ends up just being about recycling.

2:42 Drew You're fat.

2:43 Fiona Horne Because we're all environmentally aware.

2:45 Adam Husky lesbians who recycle. Yeah.

2:47 Fiona Horne There's nothing wrong with husky lesbians who recycle.

2:49 Adam No, there isn't. But they should be called husky lesbians who recycle, not Wiccans. You know what I'm saying? I'm looking for some eye of newt, wing of bat kind of thing.

2:57 Fiona Horne Well, I actually just call myself a witch. The books I write are sort of based in the philosophy and teachings of Wiccan traditions and I guess lessons and stuff. But I'm more eclectic than that. I think witchcraft is something that honors nature as sacred. We recognize a goddess as well as a god. The spells and rituals we do are to help and heal, which makes it all very relevant in current days. But I like getting a little bit magical and a little bit messy with my magic.

3:22 Adam You know, it strikes me that the witch and the Wiccan thing is sort of like the... Well, I was trying to think about it. It's sort of like the Arab religions where it's like you guys do a lot of... Well, you know, here's what I'm saying is there's sort of like the Muslims, which is you're like, hey, man, quit blowing people up. And then when you talk to them, it's like, hey, man, we're just about unity and brotherly love. And the Wiccans are the same thing. It's like, you know, I picture you guys, you know, with the big iron brew kettle and riding a broom and doing all that stuff.

3:57 Fiona Horne I have a big kettle, but I don't ride my broom.

4:00 Adam Just saying when you talk to them, then it gets disappointing. They're not about blowing people up. You know what I mean?

4:05 Drew You want them to be evil.

4:07 Adam Yeah, I'd like you to be evil. Well, just one day out of the year, at least, Halloween. Can you do any potions, any things? Come on, Drew the Stink Eye or something, would you? Put a pox on him?

4:19 Fiona Horne Well, the good time, I don't want to put a pox on him.

4:21 Adam Make his penis fall off and run around and I'll chase it with Fly Swatter. Yeah. I mean, if you wanted to get a guy to like you, well, not you, because you're attractive, but I mean, if one of your...

4:32 Fiona Horne Oh, but that makes it worse.

4:33 Adam One of your heavyset, wicked brethren. Is it worse?

4:35 Fiona Horne It makes it worse if you're attractive, because guys think they're intimidated by you, and I've been single for so many years now. It's quite extraordinary.

4:44 Adam Well, hold on. Let's dissect this.

4:47 Fiona Horne I thought I'd definitely pick up when I was in Playboy, and I didn't. Not for the whole month.

4:51 Adam A lot of hot chicks talking about guys being intimidated by them. And you could make that argument like saying, well, a guy just want to drive a Ferrari. It's too nice. You'd be worried it'd get scratched. But that doesn't mean there's not a waiting list for Ferraris.

5:05 Drew Right.

5:05 Adam That's 95% of guys feel that way, but there's still a waiting list.

5:09 Drew Is it the wrong kind of guys? There's a waiting list on hot chicks.

5:12 Fiona Horne The odd thing is I didn't actually put it out there that they're intimidated. They've told me recently when it's like, well, you're single. Why are you single? And I'm kind of like, I don't know. I focus a lot on work, you know, and I prioritize that. And they say, oh, you probably intimidate guys because, you know. And I used to sort of put myself down and think, oh, there's something wrong. But then I just decided I'm over qualified for 90 percent of the guys in Hollywood anyway.

5:35 Adam Yeah.

5:35 Fiona Horne We're talking about Hollywood. That's this is a tough town. It's an odd town.

5:38 Adam Well, all right. So you're single. And could you if you say, let's say you want to Drew to fall in love with you and fall under your spell. Is there something you could do to him?

5:48 Fiona Horne Well, I'm going to be really boring. So that breaks one of our laws, which is you don't need to fear with another person's free will. But you can certainly do spells and put energy out there to attract something to you that you want.

5:57 Adam How do you do that?

5:58 Fiona Horne By defining it with your will. Magic works with the intent you feel it. So you focus on a goal and then you use certain objects of the natural world, whether it be crystals or certain herbs, certain colors or certain phases of the moon. And you understand the alignment of all this. And in putting together a spell or a ritual, it becomes like a magnet that draws you to your goal. Or you...

6:17 Adam Drew, you studied this in medical school, did you not?

6:19 Drew No, this is why the whole idea of a warlock is inconceivable.

6:23 Adam Right.

6:23 Fiona Horne It wouldn't go to that much trouble. You'd be surprised.

6:26 Adam No, that's why we invented roofies. We don't have time for stars to align. We got to knock the chick out and get to hump it.

6:33 Fiona Horne I'm amazed, actually. I teach for the Learning Annex quite a bit. Like, I do courses in witchcraft, especially this time of year. And I'm surprised at the amount of men that attend the classes now.

6:41 They're trying to get laid.

6:43 Adam They know there's feeble-minded, attractive women there that care. Well, easy prey, easy prey. All they have to do, all that guy has to do is go to Learning Annex class. And I think guys are finally starting to understand that if you want to get laid, don't be the captain of the football team. That's a bunch of dudes. Go take the dance class. It'll be you and 30 chicks. It'll be you a gay guy and 30 chicks. And you'll get, you have your pick of the litter. It's finally starting to dawn on guys. So this is the strategy. Go down learning. If I have a night, if I have like an 18 year old son, I'm just going to be like, son, you need to get laid. Go down to learning annex and go, no, no, you're not, no, you're not taking how to turn wooden balls with Rob Reiner. Go down to the, take the hot witch class, sit there. And then all you got to do is sit behind some chick and pretend to cry halfway into something. Believe me, guys, you'll be, you'll be drinking coffee at the end of the next scene. There'll be numbers exchanged and then I have Newt and Seaman of Nutt.

7:42 Drew Now what, yes.

7:45 Adam That's where it comes from, Drew.

7:47 Drew What is the difference between religion and witchcraft?

7:51 Fiona Horne Well, I'm not religious, I'm spiritual.

7:53 Drew So. Do you have a religion also?

7:55 Fiona Horne No, I just, I avoid that word. Spiritual meaning I, I, I don't sort of have a, a system of beliefs that's fixed in one, one way or one approach. There's no one book written about witchcraft, in my opinion. Some relate to witchcraft as a religion and particularly Wicca, which is considered the religion of witchcraft.

8:12 Adam How old is Wicca?

8:14 Fiona Horne Well, it's the origins. It's quite nebulous and vague. I mean, really sort of Gerald Gardner in the late 40s, early 50s, when it started to forge.

8:22 I thought 3000 years ago.

8:24 Fiona Horne Well, some, some people say the, the origins of what we do draw on the Celtic traditions and the, you know, the, I guess, shamanic and spiritual practices of the Teutonic tribes of Northern Europe. And we're going back, you know, pre-Christian times now into the Pagan era. But again, it's all, I don't really think the origins of what we do is so important as much as what the spiritual path of witchcraft and Wicca is doing now. And it's answering the questions people are asking now. And it's, like we're saying, it's environmentally aware, it honors the feminine, as well as the masculine principle of divinity. It reveres sex as sacred, the naked body is nothing to be ashamed of. If God managed to be naked, we would have been born that way.

9:00 Adam That's right. That's what I say. We would have been born in a jumpsuit with waiters on. Yeah. Now that's all that's all rap the guy's using when he's sitting in there amongst the wiccan chicks. Hey man, it's natural. You're not uptight, are you? Certainly. You're not born again, are you baby? Of course not. Let's get it on. I'll see you in hell.

9:19 We'll meet in hell.

9:20 Adam Let's get nude. Yeah. Now that's a great, I mean, if you're just looking for a segment of the populace to see if you can bring home and screw, I think, the witch segment over at the Learning Annex is the way to go. Yeah. To the Learning Annex is crazy. You're thumbed through the back of the penny saver and they have big name people and they're just teaching these little classes out in Recita. I think what it is is I think people are flattered. Like if you said to me, hey Adam, we want you to give a little symposium on what it's like to be funny. I'd be like, okay, where is it? Well, it's at the Hawthorne Y. It's Sunday. It's got to start at 6 a.m. and you have to pay $20 to be 11 people. But it's a symposium. I have to tell people how come I'm funny. And they'll be like, yeah, okay.

10:09 Drew I'll be there.

10:10 Adam I'll be there. There's in there an element, not with the wic in. But I'm talking about, they really do get like Rob Reiner to sit down and talk to eight people about directing.

10:21 Drew Secondhand smoke.

10:22 Adam And all these people, by the way, are not other filmmakers or anything. Just, you know, a guy works at the pottery barn out in Canahoe and he just wants to check out Rob Reiner, see how fat he is in real life. And they just do it. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah. Drew, anyone ask you to do a learning ad? They do? What are you looking? You want to know what the big is? What are you looking for?

10:41 Drew No, I just didn't have time.

10:42 Adam No money? Not flyers?

10:43 Drew No, no, no. It's definitely not that.

10:45 Adam They didn't give the money.

10:46 Drew Does not.

10:47 Fiona Horne There's no money. They don't pay you? Well, hardly anything. But I think-

10:51 Adam But it's an honor.

10:52 Fiona Horne Well, you know what? It actually is, especially as an Australian, and the Learning Annex has, you know, not to put too much of a plug on it, but it has a reasonably prestigious reputation because it does get those very high quality speakers and people that have accomplished great things, and it's an opportunity to just, you know, bypass the really expensive courses and really get to people who maybe don't have the opportunity to, you know, hear people at this speak or whatever. I mean, when I do my witchcraft, if I help someone with a spell or a ritual, I don't charge. No, I say it's a privilege to help people, not a job.

11:21 Adam How do you help someone with a spell?

11:23 Fiona Horne Well, if someone approaches me, I don't advertise, but sometimes if someone has a problem, like I've been approached to help sell houses, help mend marriages, all sorts of things, and I consider it a privilege, like I said, so I don't charge money, but when what I do helps the person, I ask them to make a donation of charity, or if they don't have money, to donate some of their time. But I've helped some fairly high-profile people, and their donations have been quite sizable.

11:48 Adam Really?

11:49 Fiona Horne So I don't make my living from my witchcraft.

11:50 Drew Fiona eats crystals and clouds too.

11:52 Fiona Horne Yes. Well, actually, I work as, I mean, if I get a royalty for a book or a television show, I'm in, or a movie I've done as an actor, I get paid, sure, but I don't charge to do my witchcraft.

12:02 Adam Really? I got a house I need sold.

12:05 Fiona Horne Really?

12:05 Adam Yeah. Can you do something?

12:07 Fiona Horne Well, is it hard to sell? What's going on with it?

12:09 Adam Well, it's a little overpriced right now, but I'd like to get that money.

12:12 Fiona Horne Do you think it's haunted or spook? I mean, it's Halloween, so we should be talking spooks and ghouls. I mean, I help people with exorcisms and things like that. Do you think that would help solve your house?

12:20 Adam I think it's haunted with my dad's...

12:24 Fiona Horne The spirits of your ex-tortured girlfriends.

12:26 Adam No, no, this is... It's my dad's old house, so whoever moves in there is bound to lose their motivation, their energy, and their will to work and live. I could see the lawsuit. The guy was a bustling, busy, motivated attorney, and then he moves into an ex-pop Corolla's house, and all of a sudden all he wants to do is read books and sit in his underpants on the sofa all day. Imagine that, not attend his son's football games. Imagine that. Drew, do you think there's such a thing?

12:58 Fiona Horne I think we should smudge that house.

12:59 Adam There could be smudged. It should be smudged.

13:01 Fiona Horne It should be smudged.

13:02 Adam How do you smudge? You drag your ass on the carpet?

13:03 Yeah.

13:05 Fiona Horne Tie a rope around your neck and drag it around.

13:07 Adam My dog smudges. Yeah.

13:12 Fiona Horne It's actually burning herbs, the sage and various-

13:16 Adam Herbs that smudge the ashes?

13:17 Fiona Horne Well, various herbs that we think when we burn them, the smoke can work to cleanse the space. And actually growing up in Australia, I had the privilege of spending some time with the Australian Aborigines in Arnhem Land and they would burn eucalyptus leaves if someone died or there's a bad energy around and there's a very heavy dense smoke would be sensed to congeal to the energy and you could blow it away.

13:39 Adam You got to look at that Aborigine culture and go, they're winners. Look at them. Almost not a two story hut between the 20 million of them over there.

13:47 Drew They lived to at least 26.

13:49 Adam It's awesome. Here's all I'm saying. Why do we look at cultures that don't do anything and go, wow, they really got it nailed.

13:55 Fiona Horne Because they don't need to do anything. They just exist. They are. They're kind of at peace the way they are.

14:00 Adam It's called being stupid. They sleep on dirt. That's all I'm saying. Like we do that, oh, it's the wisdom of the Orient. No, no, they're just a couple of thousand years behind. You see, they don't use modern medicine and tools. I know, because they don't have it. That's why. They don't use it because they're stupid. They're way behind. You see, they believe they can heal with herbs. Yeah, because they don't have Upjohn and Pfizer and all the companies that make stuff that works. They got a bunch of old crap. You understand? It's really like looking at somebody. It's like looking at Amish people and go, they don't have internal combat. I know, they got wagons and donkeys. That's what they got and weird beard.

14:40 Fiona Horne Great cheese.

14:41 Adam Yeah, they got good cheese. I'll give them that. But all I'm saying is, I'm just tired of all these other cultures being held up as sort of goals. We could attain those goals if we just, you know, knock down every power plant.

14:55 Fiona Horne I think it's interesting to give a nod to the kind of the origins of where we're at now. That's what I find really interesting about witchcraft, that you can kind of embrace an archaic sense of the past, a natural approach to healing and a spiritual approach to life that isn't bound by a religious kind of doctrine. And still enjoy technology and the internet, and there's more online covens than offline covens now. The witchcraft community is really active on the internet.

15:19 Adam I need you to smudge the house and get rid of some of the bad.

15:22 Fiona Horne Me personally.

15:23 Adam I got bad cheat rolling around there.

15:26 Fiona Horne Sounds like it. We better work on that.

15:28 Adam Yeah. So if you lit that incense, you could get the bad stuff to leave.

15:31 Fiona Horne Well, again, magic works with the intent you fuel it, so you would have to be prepared to suspend disbelief, fear, and even cynicism, Adam, just for probably ten minutes while I did the ritual, and be prepared to accept something extraordinary happening. And if that was possible, then maybe, indeed, it could be. The world answers according to the questions you ask of it.

15:48 Adam The last smudging in that house took place in 1983 when my stepmom kicked me out of the garage.

15:54 Drew That was your smudge.

15:55 Adam That was her smudging.

15:56 Drew Off.

15:57 Adam Demon seed.

15:58 Drew That's when she kicked your ass out, you landed on your ass, you bounced a couple times.

16:01 Adam There's a bad energy in this house. Yeah, it's your son. He's in the garage. All right, let's get him out. Awesome. Dad's such a puss. Jason?

16:13 Hello?

16:14 Adam 19?

16:16 Fiona Horne Adam.

16:17 Adam All right. What's up?

16:19 Hey, what's going on? Oh, Jesus Christ, it's the first time I've ever gotten through the year.

16:23 Adam All right. I expect a vanity.

16:26 Just do it! My question for Dr. Drew. I guess you could kind of say I'm into necrophilia. And I just wonder what causes that? What happened? What would have to happen to me when I was younger that I would be into?

16:44 Drew Describe to us.

16:47 Okay, well, when I have sex with my girlfriend, you know, sometimes I like to, you know, have sex a little rough, you know, I'll grab her face or I'll put my hand around her throat. And there's a time where I just start to strangle her or smother her and I can just, I can kill her and I can honestly say that I would just keep going at it even after she's dead and I have absolutely no problem with that. Just the idea of there being a motionless lifeless body and I'm just like taking over and controlling it. Just something about that.

17:18 Drew The simplest way to understand that is sort of unregulated aggression. That's really the best way to understand. They're the simplest way to understand that and I would imagine that that degree of aggression expressed through sexuality would suggest some sort of violence perpetrated against you.

17:37 Adam Do you have a girlfriend?

17:39 Yeah. I've been with my girlfriend for about three years and eight months now.

17:44 Adam Lucky, lucky woman.

17:47 Drew So what happened to you?

17:50 Nothing that I can remember. I mean, when I was younger, I was hit with a belt for discipline reasons.

17:56 Drew There you go.

17:57 Yeah, but I can never think of a reason that I didn't deserve it. I might have hit my sister, pushed my brother down.

18:02 Drew Absolutely. When an adult strikes a child, to the degree that he or she feels that they are in danger, that has a profound effect on the development of the brain.

18:15 Adam All right, hold on.

18:15 Drew There's no such thing as a circumstance where a child deserves or benefits from being hit.

18:22 Adam Well, you said yourself, if they run out in the street or do something that puts themselves in danger.

18:27 Drew To get their attention, it's okay to give them some aggressive, very, very aggressive sort of physical manhandling, but not continued aggression to the point that they feel like they may not be able to go on being because of your aggression.

18:39 Adam Well, he didn't say that. Most of the people...

18:41 Drew But that's the feeling, that's the feeling.

18:42 Adam He said he pushed his brother down some stairs.

18:44 Drew No, I can tell you that's why he's feeling the way he does, because he...

18:47 Adam Well, he's a mess. There's no doubt about it.

18:49 Drew He was made to feel that way, so...

18:50 Adam Yeah, but what if you have one of your sons push the other one down a flight of stairs?

18:56 Drew Beating, hitting the child will only make things worse. You got to have severe consequences for that child.

19:03 Adam All right.

19:04 Drew Severe. But actually having, meeting aggression with aggression will only escalate the child's internal aggression.

19:10 Adam What about a very vigorous reach around?

19:12 Drew No, no, not even.

19:13 Adam No? Just to confuse the child?

19:15 Drew No, the aggression on kids really works. It works to change the behavior short term, long term worsens the behavior.

19:21 Adam Yeah, I don't tell you. It's one thing I give my parents credit for.

19:24 Drew They didn't do it.

19:24 Adam They never raised their hand in anger.

19:26 Drew Right, wish they had.

19:27 Adam They never raised anything really. Never raised their ass off the sofa, never sat up. Dad had to use both his hands just to move his head. Like my dad wanted to say no, he would have to pick his hands up and move his head.

19:38 Drew Or yes, that's a yes.

19:39 Adam Oh yes, sorry, no, he would have to turn it this way. Yeah. Yeah.

19:43 Drew But they smudged.

19:43 Adam Couldn't actually speak. Yeah. I feel like my parents would have beat me had they been able to summon the energy or been interested.

19:52 Drew See, that's why you like marijuana so much, that saved you from your mom doing that to you.

19:56 Adam My mom's smoking pot?

19:57 Drew Yeah.

19:57 Adam No, how dare you attack my family? How dare you?

20:00 Drew She's smoked a lot of pot that could prevent her from...

20:03 Adam Kilo a week, it's not a lot in the 70s, Drew.

20:05 Drew She was just smudging.

20:07 Adam Smudging, smudging herb, smudging her lungs with THC. Jason?

20:12 Yeah.

20:12 Adam All right, if this isn't a bogus call, it is frightening.

20:17 No, I knew you would say that, but I have been a long time listener and I have to say this is not a bogus call. I know the rules of a bogus call and if you call a bogus call, I would call it that this is not a bogus call.

20:27 Adam All right, well now I'm truly frightened. Here's why I'm frightened, because you sound like a person, you sound like a retarded giant who could snap some eight-year-old's neck and not even know what you were doing.

20:41 Drew Right, that's basically what you got here.

20:43 Adam Yeah, baby Huey syndrome. So listen, Jason, here's the thing.

20:49 Caller Okay.

20:51 Adam Get some therapy. You're going to hurt somebody or you're going to ruin your life.

20:56 Caller Well, I wouldn't mind that, but...

20:58 Adam You wouldn't mind therapy?

21:00 Caller No, I wouldn't mind ruining my own life.

21:01 Drew Yeah, this is all...

21:02 Caller I don't want to hurt anybody else.

21:03 Drew All right, good. That's a good place to start. Focus on not... Focus on regulating your aggression. Don't give in to these things. I know the sort of prevailing wisdom is, hey, it feels good. Do it whatever you want. It's all good. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. This is a situation where regulating those things will actually bring you closer to the person you're with physically and make it such that you will not hurt somebody. What the hell is Ray doing here?

21:26 Adam Oh, he's here visiting my buddy, Dane.

21:28 Drew The hell?

21:29 Adam Dane and Ray.

21:30 Drew Telling us to star Ray?

21:31 Adam Well, here's the thing.

21:32 Drew The star of TLC's Adam Corolla project?

21:36 Adam I went to Junior High with a guy named Dane. You met Dane earlier. And Dane has a bit of a medical condition and Ray gives people medical conditions.

21:48 Drew Yes, he does.

21:49 Adam And Ray was assigned to protect Dane from all the people, all the cruel kids that do horrible things to kids with medical conditions.

21:58 Drew I see. Back in the day.

21:59 Adam Back in the day, because that's the way kids are.

22:01 Drew This is the way Ray made up for his more...

22:05 Adam I don't think it's made up for it. Certainly, it would be an argument he could use not to get into hell.

22:09 Drew Right. That's what I'm saying.

22:10 Adam I don't think, I think it would just be a temporary reprieve.

22:13 Drew Maybe go to purgatory?

22:15 Adam Purgatory for a weekend and it's off to hell. But I think him protecting Dane might give a little purgatory reprieve for Ray. But the thing about it is, is kids are cruel and kids are really just how animals are because they're like people. People are sort of like animals that have to be taught to be human beings. Some don't get taught that, by the way, and that's what you have when you take a look at the prison populace. And that's why it's the parents' fault. But kids are sort of like animals in that coyotes waiting around the bushes waiting in the brush when the gazelles are running by. The lame one that's got a little hitch and it's giddy up, that's the one they hop on.

22:53 Drew Of course.

22:54 Adam They hop on the one that's dragging behind the pack. That's the way the animal kingdom marks. And it takes a long time to train the coyotes. Look that gazelle was born with one hoof that was...

23:07 Drew How would you feel if you were the gazelle?

23:08 Adam How would you feel if you were the gazelle? They don't want to hear any of that. They just want to pounce. Later on, God willing, people get that message and they stop pouncing on the weaker gazelles. Once in a while, you got to get a gorilla to protect the weaker gazelle from the coyotes.

23:22 Drew Yes, killer gorilla, killer ape.

23:24 Adam That was Ray, killer ape, killer ape Ray. So now, 25 years later, everyone's back for a little reunion, but it turns out Dane is a fan of the show and just shot me an email. You know, I hopped right on that. And here he is, he's gonna make dreams come true.

23:42 Drew He sent you that email about a year ago?

23:43 Adam No, got right on it. And Ray came down to say hi to Dane, too, because, you know, he's that kind of guy. Gorilla hanging with the gazelle.

23:51 Drew Take a break.

23:52 Adam Take a break? All right, Fiona Horne is here tonight. She is, she's in this month's or October's edition of Playboy. I have too much pooth to look at in front of her, but I'll be bringing it to the bathroom with us.

24:08 Fiona Horne Please look at it.

24:09 Adam I will.

24:10 Drew What do you call it?

24:12 Fiona Horne Skyclad.

24:12 Drew She's ordering you to do it now.

24:13 Fiona Horne Skyclad by the sky.

24:14 Adam Yes, but I'm going to look at it in my Fortress of Solitude.

24:18 Fiona Horne The article is actually really good. Not that many people read the article, but actually they do sort of read the articles in Playboy. But it's not a bad piece about modern witchcraft. It's pretty positive.

24:29 Adam All right, well she's...

24:30 Drew I got a million more questions about this.

24:32 Adam Well, Drew will be limited to three, but well, he can ask them.

24:36 Fiona Horne Oh, he can read my books.

24:37 Adam Yeah, Drew's not going to do that. Unless they come out on cassette, they come out on cassette? No. Take a quick break. Drew will ask us three questions.

24:44 Drew How do you know about a cassette thing?

24:46 Adam I know what you do. Believe me, I've smudged your place. Well, Drew will talk Fiona about witchcraft and witchcraftery after this.

24:56 Drew I feel so liquidy, really, why?

25:02 Fiona Horne Loveline, I'll be right back.

25:04 Drew Loveline is...

25:22 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Poe number 1-800-LOVE-191. Fiona Horne is here tonight. She's a witch from Australia. Birthplace of witchcraftery. You know, you think Australia, you think witches.

25:39 Fiona Horne It's actually one of the fastest growing spiritual paths in Australia. We have a census where every single resident of Australia has to answer for the governments like every six years. And in the last two census reports, it's noted that witchcraft, Wicca, other nature-based religions or spiritual paths has increased like over 300 percent.

25:57 Drew So how is the spiritual path different from a religion?

25:59 Fiona Horne Well, the way I relate to that is religion is fixed in some kind of dogma, some fixed opinion, some tradition that's not flexible. And with Wicca and modern witchcraft, it's evolving quite rapidly now and it's expressing the input of the various individuals that are involved.

26:15 Drew So what do you think the difference is between magic and sacred or sacrament?

26:20 Fiona Horne Well, sacrament or sacred? Sacred. Well, depends. It's anything is with the intent. You feel it when we talk about magic, we spell it with a K, M-A-G-I-C-K, to differentiate the kind of magic where you're pulling rabbits out of hats or it's a sleight of hand. And we it's a spiritual approach to magic. So it's creating change with will. It's seeing the universe as an unfolding miracle, not to sound too sort of esoteric or, you know, the new age, but definitely, and you can create the life you want.

26:46 Adam What is the difference, how long between magic and tomfoolery? I spell it with three M's by the way.

26:52 Drew But the Egyptians didn't distinguish between religious ritual and magic. It was all the same?

26:58 Fiona Horne Well, it was all the same. And I think again, you know, it's much like science and religion seem to be converging again now and to a degree. And when we, I tend to take a, I mean, magic to me is an expression of my spiritual life in the sense that it's a celebration of being alive and seeing difficult times, not there's so much to stop you, obstacles are there to guide you. It's about sort of making the most of the one shot you have on this planet.

27:25 Drew You think science and religion are coming together?

27:27 Fiona Horne And in parts, I do. I think that in science and spirituality, maybe to be more specific. In quantum physics, there's very much a lay person who has read The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra and books like that. And even some of the more popular titles like, oh, the guy, now I'm having a blank for his name, Deepak Chopra. Yeah, that kind of stuff. It's interesting that reality can conform based on how you perceive it to be. And that's how we work magic. We create change with will. So I find that quite interesting that the two cross over.

28:00 Adam Shifting gears here, Drew, did you go on trick or treating that night?

28:03 Drew Yes.

28:04 Adam What did you go? You didn't go on that?

28:05 Drew Oh, no, I didn't dress. I just sat on a friend's porch and watched hundreds of kids come by.

28:09 Adam Where did the kids go as?

28:10 Drew I had, let's see, I had one girl, my daughter was a goth chick.

28:14 Adam Oh, really?

28:15 Drew And her son was a... Are you sure? Wait, wait, wait, this is a good one. One son was a whoopee cushion. One of the best costumes I've ever seen.

28:22 Adam Wow.

28:23 Fiona Horne Did you sit on him?

28:23 Drew They found it, he...

28:25 Adam Yeah, who made that?

28:26 Drew They found it in some, just yesterday, they found a costume shop in, like, Placentia.

28:30 Adam Giant whoopee cushion?

28:31 Drew Awesome, with the original print on it, you know what the...

28:34 Adam Wow.

28:34 Drew Oh, it's just awesome.

28:35 Adam And then what else?

28:37 Drew And then there was a sort of a ghoul. He was a cloaked, like, skull, crazy looking thing, and he scared the hell out of me. He sat in the grass of our friend's house, just jumped at people.

28:46 Adam What do you do with the candy? They get to eat as much as they want, take as much as they want, who cares?

28:51 Drew We've always tried to control it, but they've all been really... They were, like, managing their own diets much better these days, and so they went to town.

29:00 Adam I'm curious, because I'm trying to think of how...

29:04 Drew They got pencils from some houses, and I made sure they egged them.

29:07 Adam Oh, good, yeah.

29:08 Fiona Horne Egged the house?

29:09 Adam Yeah, yeah.

29:10 Drew Pencils. Pencils.

29:11 Adam Pencils.

29:12 Fiona Horne My friend was trying to do something good for the kids, and so she decided to give out chicken skewers instead of candy, but it didn't work yet.

29:20 Adam Look, my mom gave out raisins, and I like this smudge of house just for that. I feel like, here's your thing, I'll give you a choice. You get the mini peanut butter cups. You can get the...

29:34 Drew There's so much good stuff.

29:35 Adam There's so much good stuff.

29:36 Caller Yeah, come on.

29:38 Adam Tutsi rolls are a little bit of a cop out.

29:39 Fiona Horne We don't have them in Australia, so they're special to me, especially the fruit-flavoured tutsi rolls.

29:44 Drew I don't have those today. That's crap here.

29:45 Adam But hold on, we don't have vegemite here, but we don't care.

29:49 Fiona Horne Oh, I love vegemite. We realize it tastes like crap. I'll bring over boxes of that when I'm going to Australia. And Tim Thames.

29:54 Adam No, look, here's the point. Tutsi roll is way down.

29:56 Drew How do you know about vegemite?

29:58 Adam I know vegemite. I've had vegemite. I used to work with a guy from Australia. It's horrible. It's their poi. Every, I believe every, every place like Hawaii, every place that's surrounded by beautiful ocean invents one horrible indigenous dish to keep foreigners from settling. See Australia's like, I was thinking of moving to Australia until I got to taste that goddamn vegemite. Now we're staying here in Idaho, honey. That's how it works. And same with Hawaii. I was going to move there, but then I got to taste that poi. And now we're staying, now we're staying. See what I'm saying? I think they actually do it. I mean imagine, imagine if Hawaii substituted poi for fudge.

30:37 Drew We'd all be living there.

30:38 Adam We'd all be there.

30:39 Fiona Horne What is poi? Do you mind me asking? I don't even know.

30:41 Adam It's some sort of tasteless paste of a root that only people in huge camps could enjoy. It's horrible. And that's horrible. But not as bad as vegemite. But let me just say this. Tootsie roll is OK once you've devoured what's on top of it in your plastic pumpkin. And that's all that's left at the bottom. Drew actually almost took a spill. I like to get a cat scan, Drew. I'm scared you may injure yourself. Put a hockey helmet on when you go out to the parking lot tonight. I would like one day just to go ahead and break down the rankings of the the mini size, you know, the fun size candies. Yeah, I let's see if we can work this out. I'm going to go ahead and put peanut butter cups.

31:27 Fiona Horne Yeah, the inside out peanut butter cups. I like those twicks.

31:32 Adam Twicks are nice.

31:33 Drew They're a little light.

31:34 Adam Kit Kats are good, but now there's a lot of fluff. There's air in there.

31:37 Drew Now there's air. Yeah, I'm with you. Now they've got these little Hershey's like gourmet chocolates and little like thick chocolates with almonds. Awesome. Dark, light, almonds, nuts. Forget it. Okay. The game is game on. Dove has old things now.

31:54 Adam All right. But I'm still I'm going traditional. I'm not going boutique chocolate.

31:58 Drew You understand Nestle and Mao and how's the company Mars?

32:03 Adam Mars. Right. Okay. Speaking of that, the little Mars bars, the little Mars with the almond in there. But no, Drew says no. No to Nougat.

32:11 Fiona Horne What about Snickers? Snickers are great.

32:12 Adam Snickers are awesome.

32:14 Drew You got those little ones. I had about 40 of those tonight.

32:16 Adam What? The Mounds? The Mounds? The Mars bars? The Mounds?

32:19 Drew Mounds just coconut chocolate and almonds.

32:21 Adam Mounds is, all right. Here's a thing about Mounds.

32:23 Drew Didn't see one of those. That's almond Joy.

32:25 Adam Almond Joy, darling. Hi, let me, okay. Let's just, let's see if we can get on the same page here. The Mars bars are good. What's your beef with the Mars bars?

32:33 Drew Didn't see one tonight. Didn't see Mars.

32:35 Adam Okay, but it still could be good. You didn't see a naked lady tonight, did you? But you still enjoy them, right?

32:39 Drew Someone wrapped in space. Wrapped in air, wrapped in clouds.

32:42 Adam Yeah.

32:43 Drew What do you call it?

32:44 Adam It's called cloud.

32:44 Fiona Horne Sky clad.

32:45 Drew Sky clad.

32:46 Fiona Horne Clad by the sky.

32:47 Adam Here's my point. Mars bars, good. Snickers bar, good.

32:52 Drew Better.

32:52 Fiona Horne Better.

32:53 Adam Snickers better. I'll say Snickers better, but you've eaten a few more of them than you have the Mars bars. Welcome to a little change of pace.

33:00 Drew Nougat.

33:01 Adam Like the nougat. You ever hear my nougat balsam theory?

33:06 Drew What is it?

33:06 Adam Well, I don't think anyone knows what nougat or balsam really is.

33:09 Drew Ray, you ever heard of this before?

33:10 Adam I don't know what nougat is. I say that nougat is to chocolate bars what balsam is to shampoo.

33:19 Drew Yes. Yes.

33:20 Adam Something that somebody invented that you want more if you don't even know what it is. And you can't buy it separately. No one can go to the market and pick up some balsam and nougat. You can only get the products they come in. That's when you're winning.

33:32 Drew That's the genius.

33:32 Adam You're on top of the game. I say a Three Musketeers bar is nice every once in a while. I thought I grew out of it, but I'm sort of back on them. Yeah.

33:41 Drew It's up there. I even got the Ness's Crunch Bar going a little bit tonight.

33:44 Adam Not bad. Yeah.

33:44 Drew There's a lot of stuff.

33:45 Adam $100,000.

33:46 Drew I had one of those.

33:47 Adam Nice.

33:48 Drew 100 grand. It was absolutely the best thing of the whole night.

33:50 Fiona Horne That reminds me. Oh, the reality show that I did, Mad Mad House, last year for Sci-Fi Channel. They re-ran it today on Fox Reality 24-7, and there was a scene in it because the grand prize was $100,000, so it was down to the last three finalists. And there was an interview sort of behind the scenes today, and as the guy, he was saying, I didn't know this, he said as he walked off, the producers went up to him and said, we loved you. You were such great TV. We're going to give you the $100,000 anyway. And he's like standing there thinking, oh, my goodness. It was the bloody candy bar that I handed over. He said I nearly punched them. That was cruel. He was one of the last finalists.

34:25 Drew Best candy bar of the evening.

34:26 Adam And I could go for an Abba Zabba every once in a while.

34:28 Drew Didn't see one. Hello, I'm with you.

34:30 Adam Krista, Christina?

34:32 Hello?

34:33 Adam You're 23?

34:34 Caller Yeah. I'm calling from Dallas.

34:36 Adam Yeah, what's happening?

34:39 Caller Well, I recently.

34:40 Adam All right, hold on. I'm going to take another awards call.

34:42 Drew No, no, no, come on.

34:43 Adam Kelsey?

34:44 Caller Yeah.

34:45 Adam She has a question about spells. Kelsey?

34:48 Drew I was going next.

34:48 Adam 16?

34:49 Drew Hang on, Christina.

34:50 Adam What's up?

34:52 Fiona Horne I was wondering about Fiona's point of view on love spells, because I've been told not to meddle. I'm just getting into the whole witchcraft thing.

35:01 Drew That's the free will issue. Why not? Why not meddle with free will? Does free will exist? Who knows?

35:05 Fiona Horne Well, I know it's subjective, isn't it? Well, it's love spells we say that you should never cast a spell on someone else, but you can do a love spell to bring love to you and let it be the best love that's for you. And if you were to focus your desire on some specific person, they may not be the right person for you, but you can look at the qualities in them that you're attracted to and then do a spell to bring those qualities in the person that's right for you. And it may be that person you originally set your sights on.

35:32 Adam Too round about those.

35:33 Fiona Horne And I'm just like totally freaking out.

35:36 Adam What are you, who are you interested in specifically?

35:38 Fiona Horne I really don't want to say the name.

35:41 Adam He's in your high school?

35:43 Fiona Horne Yeah.

35:44 Adam What is he, what's he into over there?

35:46 Fiona Horne He's like in the whole vampire scene.

35:49 Drew Oh my God.

35:50 Fiona Horne Oh goodness.

35:52 Fiona Horne I mean, most people freak out about that, but to me it's like.

35:55 Adam How do you know he's into the vampire scene?

35:57 Fiona Horne Cause I used to go out with him.

35:59 Drew He's gay.

36:00 Adam And then what happened? Avant to suck your pud.

36:05 Fiona Horne Like I kind of cheated on him. And I like really.

36:08 Drew Alright Kelsey, you're attracted to the guys that are disturbed.

36:11 Adam What's going on Chaos Queen?

36:12 Drew What's up here?

36:13 Adam What did you go ask for Halloween? Someone who was sane?

36:17 Fiona Horne No, I went as a vampire actually.

36:19 Drew Yeah, so why? What's up?

36:21 Fiona Horne What did you like in the vampire?

36:23 Adam What's your stepdad do to you? Let's just cut to the chase.

36:27 Fiona Horne My dad was murdered when I was 14.

36:29 Drew Did you have to witness it?

36:31 Fiona Horne No, I actually like they didn't find his body for four days.

36:35 Drew Was he an alcoholic or drug addict also? Yeah, that's what this is all about. What?

36:41 Fiona Horne He had just gotten sober.

36:43 Drew Yeah, it's a shame.

36:43 Fiona Horne And then like four days later, they found his body in a fifth wheel.

36:47 Drew Well, here's the deal. He was people in recovery don't generally get murdered. They get murdered when they go back out again. That's what he probably was using again. Secondly, whatever he perpetrated against you that caused you to be so attracted to disturbed men is what we need to worry about in you, Kelsey.

37:04 Adam Well, hold on, Kelsey, we got to take a break, but I want to get to the bottom of this because you're 16. I don't want you ruining your life. You've already done enough damage. And here's the thing. Let me just say this, by the way, though, if you put two days together of sobriety and then you get killed, I say it goes to perpetuity.

37:23 Drew Yeah, it does.

37:23 Adam It counts forever.

37:24 Drew Yeah.

37:24 Adam You know what I mean? Dad's still sober. You know what I mean? I was just saying it should count. I said I think I should get a chip for like a five year chip or cake or something in a few years. Okay. That's one positive. It's positive. Kelsey. Here's the problem with our society. We do not judge. We do not do nearly enough judging. We see someone who's into vampires and it's like, yeah, that's their thing.

37:48 Drew Whatever he's into.

37:48 Adam Day's a necrophiliac. This one's into vampire. This one likes to drink blood. That's fine. That's their thing. They're goth. They're just expressing themselves. This one's into aggressive piercings and aggressive tats. Look, when you're 16 and you're into that, it means you were horribly abused or your dad got murdered or you're ritualistically abused or you're sexually abused. There's something wrong with you. We need to intervene.

38:10 Drew Before, right? Before you really ruin your life.

38:12 Adam Yes. And or then the lives around you. Hey, you know, I don't understand. It's like, you see the kid just walking around, and he's just in the goth. He just thinks he's a vampire. Really? No, nobody wants to step up.

38:24 Drew It's a symptom. It's a symptom.

38:26 Adam Of course it's a symptom. We don't realize that, you know, A and B equals C. When you see a guy walking around dressed as Count Chocula and it's in March, there's a problem. And that's your whole job as adults and as a society is to intervene. And I don't care if the kid doesn't like it or the kid says he's doing his thing or the kid says he's expressing himself. It's up to them to decide. The kid could say he's expressing himself by lighting fires.

38:56 Drew Or by the column kids are just expressing themselves.

38:59 Adam I'm a pyromaniac. I like to set things on fire. That's the only time I feel free when I'm dancing and setting things on fire.

39:04 Drew I'm Napoleon. I'm Napoleon.

39:05 Adam Yeah, that's what I do. That's when I was a woman trapped inside of my body. That's what I do. I'm a vampire. That's what I do. That's my thing. Okay, now we're going to intervene. I don't understand. We have to wait until the guy brings a gun to school. We have to wait until the person commits suicide. We have to wait until they stab their stepmom. We have to wait. Why do we have to wait? Who said we had to wait? Do we want to live in a kind of society where we just wait for stuff to happen? Well, you can't. I knew, you know, we knew all the guys were terrorists who were getting on the plane, but we surely couldn't pull them. Couldn't stop them in security before they got on the plane. We have to wait until they do something. What is that part we have to wait, especially law enforcement? Well, we pulled the North Hollywood Bank robbers over two months before they did it. We found police scanners and, you know, banana clips and shotguns and body armor in the trunk of the car and ski masks. But we got to wait.

39:53 Drew We got to wait. We did bring a man, but we had to give...

39:56 Adam We had brought a man, we had to give the stuff back because we got to wait. Why do we have to wait? What's everyone waiting? Waiting? Waiting? You may be on that plane. You may be in that bank. You may be at that school. What are we waiting for? Let's do something now. This is what the adults are supposed to do. This is what the law enforcement community is supposed to do. This is what the sane people are supposed to do. We're not supposed to wait for crazy people to do stupid stuff. We're supposed to nip it in the bud. A vampire over here needs to be intervened upon for her sake and society's sake now. All right, now we got to wait. We got to take commercial.

40:31 Drew That's right, we got to wait.

40:32 Adam We got to wait. We got to do that. We got to do an intervention. Do a little smudge on them. I know you can't change wills, but this would be a good will to change.

40:40 Fiona Horne I'm just wondering how much of it's just a fashion statement or if it's really a little.

40:44 Adam See, enabler. Very little. Enabler.

40:45 Fiona Horne No, I'm asking. I'm asking. I'm interested.

40:47 Adam Enabler. You see what you do?

40:49 Drew It's a symptom.

40:50 Adam Dad.

40:50 Drew There's plenty that just dress up and don't kill people. There's plenty.

40:53 Adam Junkie, junkie dad.

40:55 Drew There is role playing and stuff.

40:57 Adam Sure, no, it's not like, oh, 40% of guys end up killing people. Yeah, they're mostly angry nerds.

41:03 Drew It's just the opposite of jock is what it is.

41:05 Adam No.

41:05 Drew No, no, no. No, no, no. Well, Anderson, what are you talking about?

41:08 Adam Yeah, the opposite of jock.

41:10 Drew Why do they all end up in the psychiatric hospital or the jobs?

41:13 Fiona Horne All the Goths, everyone that dresses up in Goths.

41:15 Adam Every single one.

41:16 Drew No. Everyone. We treat lots and lots and lots of them. I don't treat a lot of the football players, except for the steroid abuse treatment. Adam's got a problem with alcohol and he used to play football. But I don't treat the depression and the character stuff and the abuse survivorship and all that. That all gets expressed through these styles.

41:35 Adam Don't argue with Goth Anderson.

41:37 Fiona Horne I'm not Goth, so that's the thing.

41:38 Drew There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with it. That's the whole point. People think, you're saying something wrong with it. I have nothing wrong with it. I don't care. What do I care? It's a wonderful thing to go expression of. It's a style, but it's a symptom also. It's like saying all jocks are alcoholics, though. A lot of them are. A lot of them are thrill seeking.

41:55 Adam Don't argue with Anderson. Anderson, push some buttons. What do you have? Push the one that kills your mic. Please, please, pot yourself down. All right, we'll be back after this. Number 1-800-LOV. Fiona Horne is here tonight. She's a bona fide witch. Oh, yes, she will put a spell on your ass. Drew is looking at the Playboy she's in right now, October.

42:43 Fiona Horne If anyone would like to know what I look like, they can check out my website. It's fionahorne.com.

42:49 Drew Mm-hmm.

42:51 Fiona Horne Mm-hmm.

42:52 Adam All right. Are you nude?

42:54 Drew That was a spell you just put on Adam.

42:55 Adam Are you nude on that thing? Are you in cloud?

42:57 Fiona Horne No, but there's a lot of information about my books and my television work and various other things that people might find interesting as well as, you know.

43:05 Adam Not as interesting as you being in the cloud sky state.

43:11 Fiona Horne Sky cloud.

43:11 Adam Montana, right?

43:13 Fiona Horne Blue sky.

43:14 Adam We will.

43:15 Fiona Horne Let's talk.

43:16 Drew We did Kelsey, right?

43:16 Adam Yeah, we didn't talk. I didn't. I didn't finish with Kelsey. Kelsey.

43:20 Fiona Horne Yeah.

43:21 Adam All right. So you're you're getting into the wiccan thing. You're into this vampire guy. It's school.

43:28 Fiona Horne School's going good, actually.

43:30 Drew Good.

43:30 Adam Good.

43:31 Drew Stay with that.

43:31 Adam Your father died when you were 14.

43:34 Drew There's two years.

43:35 Adam That's just two years ago.

43:36 Fiona Horne Yeah.

43:37 Adam And your dad was a drug user almost up until then.

43:41 Fiona Horne Yeah.

43:42 Adam OK. And what about your mom? Does she use drugs?

43:45 Fiona Horne No, not really. But I bet you know, she didn't do anything to stop it, though, you know, she's just angry at mom.

43:53 Fiona Horne Can I ask Kelsey a question? Why are you interested in Wicca and witchcraft? What do you like about it?

43:58 Fiona Horne It needs to be a really strong question. And it just didn't like really fulfill me. And like I, I about 15, I started cutting and I just mean really bad. And I met a friend who was a witch and she got me into it. I just felt so spiritual and so complete and I didn't have to cut anymore. I just like that hole that was like filling me just like was completed.

44:20 Fiona Horne That's, that's really good to hear. Do you think it's because of witchcraft placing an emphasis on the feminine and helping you kind of honor yourself a little bit?

44:28 Fiona Horne Yeah, I mean, I just like, I don't know, like I believe in like a lot of mind power to you. You know, it's like, I think you can do anything with your mind.

44:35 Adam Yeah.

44:36 Fiona Horne And it's just like, it just made me happy, you know, and it's being able to do that for the world.

44:41 Fiona Horne Well, I'm glad there's something really positive in your life out of that, because it's, you know, it's good to hear.

44:46 Adam What's going on with our society, though, where one has a retarded belief, I believe that everything happens, I believe, when did that?

44:51 Fiona Horne I don't believe anything. I'm prepared to ponder everything.

44:54 Adam Yeah, when did it become sort of socially okay for people to just make these sort of sweeping I believe statements and everyone just sit back and nod their head.

45:02 Drew Well, it's become, everything's become relative. Everything's just another point of view.

45:06 Adam Yes, yes.

45:08 Drew Here, evidence has no meaning.

45:10 Adam No, and by the way, what evidence? I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everyone just nods their head. No one says, what the F does that mean? Idiots. What's everyone doing? I can't believe, what year are we living in? Everyone's got something. Everyone's clinging to some stupid religion. Put it put in place a few thousand years ago because people are dying at 14 and no one knew why. Now we have microscopes and vaccinations. We don't need it anymore everybody. Everyone makes it till 85. Go ahead and drop your retarded religion.

45:40 Drew If you ever think of it, here's one thing I will tell you. Is that science explains things. Okay, the domain of God and the devil has shrunk because science has explained that. However, one thing that science will never explain is the thing in itself. Why? Why do subatomic particles attract and work the way they do? We'll never be able to do that with science. So there's a space for faith and religion.

46:01 Adam Somebody must have put those subatomic particles together.

46:04 Drew Whatever, but science can't. That's where there's a space for something.

46:06 Adam Well, how do you think the sun got in the sky then, wise guy? You don't think someone put it there? I like that's the catch-all argument. Oh yeah? Well, then how did Saturn get its rings? Yeah, you're not so smart anymore, are you? Obviously, someone put a big belt around Saturn because he was huge. Yeah, I like that argument. Oh yeah? How did it get there, then? Did you get a windbreaker that says A-hole on it? That's your argument. How did we get here, then? Tell me, how?

46:39 Fiona Horne You know what? I think one of the things I like best about Witchcraft and the ritual...

46:41 Adam How did you get to Loveline tonight, huh, smarty? Don't even say town car.

46:45 Fiona Horne I wish I had taken my broom, it would have been faster than a car.

46:48 Adam Somebody must have put you here, okay? Because I believe everything happens for a reason, by the way. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, although if I tell anyone I spoke to Jesus Christ, they'll lock me up. That's one. How many people you have a personal relationship with you don't get to talk to? And if you do, people hit you with a big butterfly net. Ever think about that one? All right, let's take a quick break. Fiona is here tonight. She is a witch, everybody. A good witch. She's not that green one from the east or the west or the north. Where is a good one from?

47:24 Caller The north?

47:26 Drew Wicked witch of the west, Glinda the witch of the... Just the wicked witch of the east. The wicked east and the west. Or maybe Glinda was the north.

47:35 Adam I don't know. Look that up. We're going to eat some candy here. Look at this bounty. This is my messiah right here.

47:43 Drew Give that to Fiona. It's a giant tootsie roll.

47:46 Adam I'll give you a tootsie roll.

47:47 Fiona Horne Some sugar would be good.

47:48 Adam Yeah, there you go, baby. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

47:53 Fiona Horne Alright, guys, here's the deal. You looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:58 Drew One call is all you need to make.

47:59 Fiona Horne Call the Dateline.

48:00 Drew 877-889-DATE.

48:03 Fiona Horne Call the Dateline.

48:35 Adam Hey, buddy. Love Lime. It's a little coffee. It's a little chocolate. You know what I'm saying, a peanut butter cup.

48:43 Drew Great sound.

48:45 Adam Oh, man. Fiona Horne is here tonight, she's a bona fide witch. She's so hot, they put her in Playboy. She is in the, I think it's the Girls of the Pack 10.

48:59 Fiona Horne It's funny, everyone else is 20 years younger than me in that magazine. I'm 39 this year, and so good to kind of, interesting to think, well, Hef said, do you want to be in the college issue? And I was like, mm, well, Tommy Lee can go back to college.

49:12 Adam Yeah.

49:12 Fiona Horne So can I.

49:13 Adam Hef said that. Yeah, but that's it, that's enough. I mean, you look great, don't get me wrong, but I don't need any of that thing where the chick's in her 60s and she's trying to prove something to people.

49:26 Fiona Horne I'm not trying to prove anything. I just think as you don't get older, you get better. I think it's a really positive message to send out to women because we're always encouraged to have a sense that we have a use-by date and as someone growing older, I think life is still fascinating and wonderful.

49:40 Adam Yeah, everyone gets into that message as they get close to 40. You don't hear it so much when you're 19 and banging 40-year-olds. Now, for chicks, let me explain something, ladies. Here's how, let me explain my universe. This is how it works, the great magnet. You chicks don't get to have it both ways. You don't get to be smoking hot at 18 and 19 and have a bunch of rich guys courting you and be smoking hot at 60. It doesn't work that way.

50:09 Fiona Horne Who's got rich guys courting them?

50:11 Adam Here's what I'm saying. You don't get to be the belle of the ball for 40 years. You get to be the belle of the ball for about 10 years and then it's time for someone else to be the belle of the ball. This is what women do. How about guys? Well, women, let me, I'll address that in a second, but women are trying to convince people that, you know what, you're just, you know, you hear Sharon Stone talking about, you know, you get more beautiful when you get, yeah, when you're 55, that's because you're closer to 55 than you are to 25. And I didn't hear anything out of your mouth when you're 25. And don't tell us what's hot, we'll decide. We'll use our, the divining rod in our inner pants, we'll decide what's hot. And I'm sorry, weighing into 65 year old women. That's how it works. Doesn't matter how much logic you try to throw at us, we're always going to err on the side of the 19 year old.

50:57 Fiona Horne What I like about growing older is that men's opinion of me is increasingly less important. It's all about my opinion of me.

51:02 Adam Right.

51:03 Fiona Horne And that's a good thing.

51:05 Adam Right, but the more you say that, the more it makes me think you're worried about what guys' opinions are.

51:09 Fiona Horne Oh, trust me, I'm not.

51:10 Adam Oh, no, I really think it.

51:12 Drew But then how about guys?

51:14 Adam Well, here's the thing about guys. And this is the way it should work, by the way. When you're, no, looking at the nudity here, Drew.

51:22 Fiona Horne Here's the thing.

51:23 Adam It's guy cladness. Here's the thing. When you're a 19-year-old guy, and there's a 19-year-old chick, and the chick's hot, you really don't have a chance as a 19-year-old guy.

51:34 Drew Most guys, 90% of guys.

51:35 Adam 90% of guys have not come into their own professionally or emotionally or whateverly, and they don't stand a chance. They just don't.

51:44 Drew They just sit and suffer in silence.

51:45 Adam Later on, yes, well, they're not suffering in silence. You know what I'm saying, Drew?

51:51 Drew They're jacking in silence.

51:52 Adam That's right. Although I do make a little, oh yeah, you know, it's not totally silent. And I will go, yeah, come on, Ace, let's go now.

52:01 Drew All right.

52:01 Adam Get a ball in.

52:02 Drew They do that for 30 years.

52:03 Adam Break it down. Guys will pay their dues, and then it's time to pay the fiddler. It's no different than any other facet of life, which is you want to go to law school, you want to go to medical school, you don't get paid.

52:16 Drew Right.

52:16 Adam You don't get paid. It costs you money. You may have friends that are out working that have cash in their pocket, you don't have any, you're 26, you're in your 18th year of school, but there will be a payday. Pay me now or pay me later. Pay me with interest. That's the way it works. And that's what guys have. So women can't have...

52:34 Drew But the guys still only get a small window too though.

52:37 Adam Yeah, they get that part where they're out, whatever, they're successful, they're getting successful in their business or whatever.

52:43 Drew Pretty soon they're too old too.

52:45 Adam No.

52:45 Drew Yeah, yeah.

52:46 Adam No, no. What happens to guys is they get married, they start a family.

52:50 Drew If they try to extend that available window from 35 to 55, forget it.

52:56 Adam Well, they can still do it.

52:57 Drew Yeah, but it's weird.

52:59 Adam Well, you're judging now and you can't judge.

53:02 Drew I am judging.

53:03 Adam But here's the thing. It's a window that you've deemed creepy, but it doesn't mean that successful guys in their 40s and 50s can't date hot 22-year-olds. They do all the time. If they're successful, the window didn't slam. You slammed it. You've decided that you didn't agree with it.

53:21 Drew The range of available partners is just the mix.

53:27 Adam You're looking at it as somebody who wants to meet quality singles and start a family, not somebody who just wants to party and keep the party going. You know what I'm saying? Here's all I'm saying. Women have themselves a little window. Some window stretches out a little further than others, but it would be an unfair universe if a chick got to be just hot. Well, she's totally hot and totally desirable at 16, and now she's 56 and she's on her 40th year being totally hot and totally desirable.

53:57 Fiona Horne You're just talking about physical appearance, aren't you?

54:00 Adam I'm talking about what men want from you and how they would judge you and what number they give you. You can feel however you want to feel inside. I'm just telling you how society feels.

54:12 Drew Society or men?

54:14 Adam Well, doesn't matter.

54:15 Fiona Horne One of the greatest things about growing older is that other people's opinion of you is increasingly less important and it's a good thing. Is that okay to say, Dr. Drew?

54:24 Drew Yeah.

54:25 Fiona Horne I wasn't abused as a child or anything.

54:27 Drew No, one of the things that drives me crazy about how young women define themselves by men.

54:31 Fiona Horne Yeah, exactly. And that's what I really try and promote in my books and being like someone who's perceived as attractive by patriarchal society, but I'm out there encouraging women to sort of step outside of other people's opinions and the roles they play in this society.

54:45 Adam No, I totally agree with that message. I'm just not buying this whole part where you get sexier as you get older. That's just a line of crap that women sell each other. It's not for men. They don't feel that way at all.

54:59 Drew Where are you drawing the line?

55:00 Fiona Horne Yeah.

55:02 Drew I bet you haven't been 60 yet. I bet men are still under 60-year-old women.

55:05 Adam No.

55:06 Drew No, I mean they also like 90-year-old women.

55:08 Adam They take a 19-year-old. Sure. Now look, there's a definition of attractive and that's a certain age. It inches up as you get older.

55:18 Fiona Horne What's all about procreation, reproduction, rural animals, aren't we? So men would look at women and think it can, you know, it's that very kind of primal pulse in them of like, will that, you know...

55:27 Drew Is that good genes? Will it reproduce?

55:29 Fiona Horne Yes.

55:30 Adam When you're 25, your idea of, you know, piping hot is 19 and when you're 65, it's 20. And it's 19 and a half. It just goes up six, seven months.

55:39 Drew But when you were 20, I'm sure you find 40-year-old women attractive and desirable now. When you were 20, no way.

55:47 Adam 40-year-old? No, I still think, you know, 1920s words.

55:51 Drew But I'm sure you also find 40-year-olds attractive.

55:53 Adam A little long in the tooth.

55:56 Fiona Horne What's the explanation then of, like, say, a 25-year-old getting married to, like, a 42-year-old female, like, a 25-year-old male? Is there some kind of psychology behind that?

56:05 Drew You know what that is? It's 42-year-olds who use surgery and other things to make them look like a 19-year-old.

56:10 Fiona Horne And it fits, it fits, it fills the genes. So, they're still triggering that primal response, right?

56:14 Adam Yeah, like Demi Moore, she's 42, she looks like she's 30, and there you go. Yeah, looks good. Look, if you have a really good hand, Deltia, from a gene standpoint, or you go under the knife a couple times, you can stretch to party out until the wee hours of the morning, but eventually the sun's coming up, street lights are turning off, and you gotta go home. Do you understand?

56:36 Fiona Horne With some dark sunglasses on.

56:38 Adam No, but let's be honest. We know people, they're women where the party ends sooner than others. They're chain smokers, they drink, they abuse substances.

56:49 Fiona Horne They have low self-opinion.

56:50 Adam They crank out a few kids, they've had, you know, written hard and put away wet, and they're 29 or 30, and it looks like the world's caught up to them. There's other women where it's like, wow, the woman's 48, still looking pretty good, but even that woman eventually is going to have a 55th birthday, and that'll be that. That's all I'm saying. I'm not trying to be sexist or cruel, that's just how the world works. I'm explaining it to everybody. It's all right. Yeah? You all right? Look, it should be that way. We got our asses kicked when we were 19. Now it's time to pay the fiddler. Christina?

57:24 Caller Yes.

57:25 Drew All right, here we go.

57:26 Caller Hello?

57:27 Adam Hello?

57:27 Drew Bail us out, Christina. What's going on?

57:29 Caller Hi, I'm 23, and I'm calling from Dallas, Texas.

57:32 Adam Oh, old maid. Here we go.

57:34 Drew What's the question?

57:36 Caller Well, see, I recently got diagnosed with HPV, and the general of the warts and everything, and I've had the procedure done.

57:43 Drew What procedure?

57:44 Caller To freezing of the cervix.

57:46 Drew Okay.

57:47 Caller And that was pretty painful.

57:49 Drew Painful? Yeah.

57:51 Caller Yeah.

57:51 Adam It's not that bad?

57:52 Drew Yeah. It can be a little painful. But anyway, go ahead.

57:56 Caller What I was asking about, I have two younger children, and the thing is, is that I've looked on the internet with my mother and found out that HPV has so many types of it, and the diagnosis, I'm not sure. I've talked to my doctor and I've asked things like, you know, if I let this stuff go, how long would it be until I get cervical cancer or can I get cervical cancer?

58:23 Drew They can't tell you. You could probably get cervical cancer. They can't tell you for sure, and they can't tell you how long it will take. In the meantime, you just got to take off those suspicious lesions that look like they could turn into cervical cancer.

58:34 Adam You say, let it go. What do you mean, let it go?

58:36 Caller Well, see, you know, some people my age, they go to the doctor, get diagnosed with STD or whatever, and then they let things go.

58:45 Drew And they die, they get pelvic inflammatory disease, they get fertility problems, and they die of cervical cancer.

58:50 Caller Okay. And my problem is that...

58:53 Adam I know, but hold on. When I say, what do you mean, let it go? I mean, I know there's some people that don't get treated. I understand that.

58:59 Drew Why would you be contemplating letting it go, is what Adam's asking. Why does that even enter your lexicon?

59:04 Adam Go ahead, I don't do a little reenactment.

59:07 Drew Who am I going to play? Her or you?

59:09 Adam You play me.

59:10 Drew Okay. So I understand that letting it go, what the meaning of that is.

59:15 Adam No, no. You got to give me what I mean, let it go.

59:17 Drew Now, what do you mean by let it go?

59:18 Adam Well, some people my age get a disease, and they don't treat it.

59:24 Drew I understand what you mean by let it go.

59:26 Adam That's what I mean.

59:27 Drew Why would you be even thinking of...

59:29 Adam They don't seek help.

59:31 Drew And so they let it go?

59:32 Adam They let it go.

59:33 Drew I see. And you, you let it go?

59:35 Adam Letting it go is what it means not to take care of a disease or syndrome in a punctual fashion.

59:42 Drew I see. You just let it go.

59:44 Adam That's what I mean by let it go.

59:45 Drew Okay.

59:46 Adam All right. Now that we have your definition of letting it go, why would you let it go, Christina?

59:54 Caller I wouldn't let it go. It's just a question that you question when you're scared, you know, the first thing you find it out and you're like, what do I do?

1:00:03 Drew You follow your doctor's direction. You just do what they tell you to do. It's a very simple thing. You get it taken care of. You watch carefully and that's it. It's taken care of.

1:00:11 Adam Scariest thing about this whole thing is not the HPV. It's you cruising the Internet with your mom looking about.

1:00:16 Drew Do you think his doctor has never treated this or that he treats it 40 times a day? It's a very common thing and it's very easily controllable and you get taken care of.

1:00:25 Caller Really? So it's not really the end of the world?

1:00:28 Drew No, most 23 year olds have this.

1:00:30 Adam I'm going to say though, well, 50%.

1:00:33 Fiona Horne Some babies are born with HPV, aren't they? Babies? You can be born with the wart virus.

1:00:40 Drew I suppose you could.

1:00:41 Adam I believe everything happens for a reason.

1:00:43 Drew But the issue is the cervical cancer risk and there's a vaccine coming out within the year. This whole thing is going away as a big problem anyway.

1:00:50 Adam Christina, I'm going to bet you have bigger fish to fry than little warts on the surface.

1:00:55 Drew Two kids at 23.

1:00:56 Adam Where's Danny?

1:00:57 Caller The baby's daddy's.

1:00:59 Drew Both. Yours and the baby's.

1:01:00 Caller They're brothers as a matter of fact. It wasn't a Jerry Springer thing. It was just something that had happened.

1:01:10 Drew You're a biological father and the father of the children.

1:01:14 Adam Each kid's from a different brother.

1:01:17 Caller No, I thought you were talking about my son's father.

1:01:21 Adam Your son's father.

1:01:21 Caller My father?

1:01:22 Adam No, your son's father.

1:01:23 Drew Tell us that again.

1:01:25 Adam They're brothers?

1:01:26 Caller Yeah, they're brothers.

1:01:28 Adam Yeah, awesome.

1:01:30 Caller So it's like, it's one of those things.

1:01:34 Adam Yeah, it's one of those things.

1:01:36 Drew The herpes, the wart virus is a wart on the cervix or the wart on your ass compared to the more serious issues here of the meltdown that is your life. The wart virus is what we call rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

1:01:50 Adam Yeah, so the kid's half-brother is also the kid's cousin.

1:01:55 Caller Yes.

1:01:55 Adam Correct?

1:01:56 Caller Correct.

1:01:57 Drew And how about your biological father, where is he?

1:01:59 Caller He's in a nursing home right now. He has full-blown diabetes.

1:02:03 Adam What happened with him? Was he around when you grew up?

1:02:06 Caller I guess through him having alcoholism. Psychological problems and stuff, he has schizophrenia as well.

1:02:13 Drew Yeah, and he drinks like crazy, right?

1:02:15 Caller He takes care of his self, his self. The person and health problems start to progress. You know?

1:02:22 Drew Hold on, I'm writing this down.

1:02:24 Adam I'm writing this down. You got to take care of what? Yourself? You let it go. This is what happens. Hey, Christina, could you please not crap out any more, kids? For the love of Christ. Please, baby.

1:02:38 Caller Wow. I understand. I've looked through my life and seen what's going on. You know, I have to slow down.

1:02:44 Drew Yeah.

1:02:45 Adam That's awesome.

1:02:45 Drew Let's slow down. Stop.

1:02:47 Adam Stop, would you? For our sake? For society's sake? How old are your kids?

1:02:52 Caller I have a one-year-old and a five-year-old.

1:02:56 Adam Uh-huh.

1:02:57 Drew First one she was 17.

1:02:58 Adam With the brothers. And do they, are they in the kids' lives?

1:03:02 Caller What, the fathers?

1:03:03 Drew Yeah.

1:03:04 Adam No, each other. The one-year-old and the five-year-old. Are they in each other's lives? Yeah, the fathers.

1:03:10 Caller Their daddies.

1:03:11 Adam Yeah, their daddies. That's what I'm talking about.

1:03:13 Caller Oh, um, they come and go. One pays child support. The other one denied the second one because of, he was embarrassed and about the whole deal about me having the second one.

1:03:27 Adam All right. And what's going on now? You have a new man in your life?

1:03:31 Caller Not right now.

1:03:32 Adam Good. You take a little hiatus. And you're living with your mom?

1:03:36 Caller Yes.

1:03:38 Adam Junior college? Any junior college?

1:03:40 Caller Um, right now I'm just trying to get back on my feet, you know?

1:03:44 Adam That's right.

1:03:44 Caller And I'm taking it slow because I can't rush things.

1:03:48 Adam That's right.

1:03:48 Caller I've made up a team of rushing things and things back up. Right. You've got to slow it down. You know? Okay.

1:03:53 Adam That's right. Okay. It's like interviewing an athlete after a game. Well, I'll tell you right now, I'm taking a one kid at a time. First of all, I want to thank Jesus Christ for giving me these two illegitimate kids. Right now, we're not looking ahead to the fourth kid. We're focusing on Sunday's kid. That's their third kid. I gotta take one step. Wow. It's like one sort of retarded ism after the other out of Christina. Now look, what would you say, Drew, just from a thinking standpoint, where did you put Christina at?

1:04:29 Drew Developmentally?

1:04:30 Adam Yeah. Somewhere between a rock and a lizard. Like where? Where? Where did you put it? I'm just being harsh because I don't want these idiots raising kids. These are the problems of the future, these kids. Here's the thing. Be as stupid as you want. Just don't drive a school bus. Don't fly an airplane. Don't have any kids. Be as dumb as you want. Leave everyone else out of it. Make all the bad decisions you want. Don't have kids. That's all. You know, people think we don't have the right to critique these people's lives. We do because we have to take care of their kids.

1:05:04 Fiona Horne What is it, what is it when, like, as a society or as a species, like, once it was survival of the fittest, you know, and now as a species we encourage the, often the sickest and most, Yes, we do. you know, we encourage them to reproduce and we support them and enable them. So what does that mean as a species, Dr. Drew? What's going on with us?

1:05:21 Drew People postulate that may not be such a good thing for the future.

1:05:24 Fiona Horne I know. It's like, it's almost like we're breeding ourselves out. And then, yeah, I mean, as a witch, I see that, like, because we honor nature as sacred and I look at what we're doing in our natural world and I think, hmm, interesting.

1:05:33 Drew So if you want to say, as we go to the nursery, we kill all the people that are, you know, just sick and unproductive.

1:05:38 Adam That's right.

1:05:39 Drew And then you go to the neonatal ICU to get rid of them. And, yeah.

1:05:42 Adam All right, Christina.

1:05:43 Drew But your point is well taken, is that we, is that we, we don't have a consistent, we don't know what it means. That's the reality.

1:05:53 Adam We don't know. I'm going to Australia. That's what it means. Christina.

1:05:58 Caller Yeah.

1:05:58 Adam All right, baby. So you focus on not effing up those kids any more than they're already effed up, yeah?

1:06:03 Drew The really interesting thing in terms of-

1:06:04 Adam You don't have any more kids, all right?

1:06:07 Caller Okay.

1:06:08 Drew In terms of-

1:06:09 Adam And don't worry about junior college. Just get a job.

1:06:11 Drew And just get your warts taken care of, get the cervical procedures done, just keep an eye on it.

1:06:14 Caller I don't suck your character. You know what I mean?

1:06:17 Adam Yeah.

1:06:17 Drew Yeah.

1:06:18 Adam All right. All right, baby doll.

1:06:21 Drew The other more interesting thing is why, when kids are severely traumatized, you know, when they're damaged, when their brain is not working normally, the first order business is reproducing.

1:06:31 Fiona Horne Yeah.

1:06:32 Drew What was God's plan for that? That those are the people that produce quids early, kids early and young and rapidly.

1:06:39 Fiona Horne Yeah.

1:06:39 Adam That seems like a bad plan.

1:06:41 Fiona Horne And it's like the more educated or healthier biologists.

1:06:44 Drew Those are the ones that delay and have less kids.

1:06:45 Fiona Horne Yeah. I mean, you know, I'm 39. I haven't had kids and my genes are all right. And I don't think I'm too maladjusted, but I'll let you decide that. Dr. Drew, as I sit here.

1:06:54 Adam Sell her some of that seed of yours. Sell her. Go on.

1:06:58 Drew Sell it on the seed?

1:06:59 Adam Use the cup, man.

1:07:00 Drew This one?

1:07:01 Fiona Horne This one?

1:07:01 Adam Christina, take care of your HPV. Would you, baby doll?

1:07:04 Drew Let's quickly talk, Jen. Let's get some calls down here. All right. I can roar through a couple of these. Let me do it. All right.

1:07:09 Adam All right.

1:07:10 Drew Jennifer Lin-Wan. Unprotected sex days ago.

1:07:12 Adam Come on, come on, come on. Just go. Going with your gestation period. I got a gush for the gush. Well, you want to take these HPV calls all the time.

1:07:20 Drew Number six then. Five.

1:07:21 Adam How many WART calls have we taken in the last year?

1:07:23 Drew A bunch lately.

1:07:24 Adam All right, let's not take so many.

1:07:26 Drew Well, that line one is a job for the morning after pill. That's why I'm...

1:07:29 Adam All right. Jennifer.

1:07:31 Caller Hey, what's up, guys?

1:07:34 Caller Yep.

1:07:34 Adam What's up?

1:07:35 Caller Okay, I had unprotected sex on early Saturday morning and I got my period today. And I'm just wondering, like with the gestation period, is it still possible for me to be pregnant?

1:07:48 Drew Well, gestation is nine months. Yes, what are you talking about?

1:07:50 Caller I mean, okay, like, fertilization, that's...

1:07:53 Drew Fertilization takes about three, up to three days, that the sperm waits for the egg in the fallopian tubes for up to three days. And the way you can prevent that egg from becoming available is taking the morning after pill. I think even though you're having your period, you should still go ahead and take that myself.

1:08:06 Caller Because... I got the pill, but I called Planned Parenthood today, and I asked them the same question, and they said, no, you're fine, you don't need to take the pill.

1:08:15 Drew Well, they're not wrong. They're not wrong. I just like... That morning after pill is an extra protection.

1:08:22 Adam Well, if you, and Drew, you don't know that it's her period, right?

1:08:26 Drew You don't know it's a period. It just adds a little, the whole idea is to suppress the egg from being released. So the sperm sit there and wait and go away.

1:08:35 Adam Yeah, but no way.

1:08:35 Drew If the egg is released, if it gets released, whether you're on your period, whether you've taken the morning after pill, you get pregnant most of the time. That's that percentage where that morning after pill doesn't work. The egg comes out, they implant, no big deal.

1:08:47 Adam Well, I haven't talked about it in a while, but most women ovulate like 14 days after the end of the period. Oh yeah.

1:08:53 Fiona Horne You count 14 days and then that's right. And you've got like a, roughly a three day window that you're most fertile.

1:09:01 Drew It's actually one day.

1:09:02 Fiona Horne Only one day. But it's like the sperm can live for three days. So you've got to kind of, yeah, you got to watch out for that. And you got to be careful of ectopic pregnancy. And I'm actually someone that experienced that in my twenties and I had a period thinking I wasn't pregnant and I was, and it was growing in the tube. And then I was very sick. Painful, painful, I lost a phallopian tube.

1:09:21 Drew Abdominal pain and bleeding is ectopic till proven otherwise.

1:09:24 Adam True, you lost a phallopian tube in name though, didn't you?

1:09:27 Drew Both of them.

1:09:29 Adam Toe's on a grenade.

1:09:30 Drew Both.

1:09:31 Adam Wow. Thank God there's a third left.

1:09:33 Caller Okay, hello.

1:09:34 Adam There's only two.

1:09:35 Caller Yeah. A question along with that. If I take the morning after pill while I'm on my period, is that going to like mess it up? Is it going to be different at all?

1:09:42 Drew Yeah, it's going to be different. Yep. Fiona says yes.

1:09:45 Adam But you know it's your period. I mean, the timing is right. Yeah, I know it is.

1:09:49 Drew Yeah, you're probably fine. You're probably fine.

1:09:51 Adam Well, look, here's the thing.

1:09:54 Drew Can we make a release tomorrow?

1:09:56 Adam Here's the thing. A lot of this breaks down to this kind of thing with doctors and with you, Drew, is somebody says, well, I don't want to go downstairs and see if the light's off in the garage. And you go, well, there's a 2% chance it's on, so why don't you go downstairs and do it? Now, the person doesn't want to go through the work because there's 98% chance you're going to get to the garage and the light's going to be off. But you, who's not walking down to the garage, and who works for the power company, or who pays the bills, says, yeah, just go do it.

1:10:26 Drew I'm the one who's responsible if the, you know, the robber comes in and catches on fire. It's my responsibility and I am all accountable for it.

1:10:33 Adam So for the 2%...

1:10:34 Drew I'm accountable for that.

1:10:35 Adam Well, I don't think you're accountable when someone calls in a show and you say, and you say, look, here's the reality.

1:10:41 Drew But that's what you practice.

1:10:43 Adam Right. But that's why, and this is what doctors do, they don't go, well, there's a 2% chance that they just go, just go down and shut the line.

1:10:51 Drew Right. Because you know what happens? They get pregnant and they sue you. And they have a right to.

1:10:56 Adam Also, what do you care? You know, I mean, just go take it.

1:10:59 Drew We are held to the absolute highest possible standard in all times and every decision. I know you hate it. We're not allowed to go say, well, if you really want to, it's probably okay. You're not allowed to do that.

1:11:10 Adam Right. You've got to say, if you're allowed, you're allowed me to do this show and that. Well, the person from Planned Parenthood is allowed to do it.

1:11:16 Drew Yeah. I said they're not wrong. They're not wrong. I personally, I just think it's be extra careful is the way to go.

1:11:22 Adam I all I'm saying is, is I would like to get rid of these attorneys and work it out somehow where you actually could find out from the doctor what the truth was. Is it a five percent chance or is it a fifty five percent chance? That I'll make my informed decision.

1:11:38 Fiona Horne As a female though, thinking about getting pregnant and the responsibility that actually having the baby and doing the whole thing, it's like even if there's only a five percent chance, you still want to be certain. You don't want that five percent chance.

1:11:48 Drew Let her protect you as much as she can.

1:11:50 Fiona Horne She has to have an STD check now, doesn't she? She's on unprotected sex.

1:11:54 Drew Not a bad idea.

1:11:55 Adam Wow. Look at that. What a team. We'll take a quick break. Performance enhancing positions you would suggest. What?

1:12:03 Drew I don't know. For the guest.

1:12:04 Adam Let's just talk to Bob real quick. Bob?

1:12:08 Fiona Horne Yeah.

1:12:09 Adam You want to know if there's any performance enhancing positions sexually?

1:12:13 Caller No, potion.

1:12:14 Fiona Horne Oh, I'm sorry.

1:12:15 Adam Oh, it did say potion. Yeah. Yeah. What about? Well, let's figure that out when we come back.

1:12:22 Fiona Horne OK.

1:12:23 Adam So I want something good. And I don't want just think thoughts, you know.

1:12:27 Fiona Horne No, horny goat's weed.

1:12:29 Drew Oh, really?

1:12:30 Adam Oh, really?

1:12:31 Drew Outstanding.

1:12:32 Adam All right. Will you tell us where to get that? How I can make it into a tea after this?

1:12:40 Fiona Horne Adam and Dr. Drew will be right back on Loveline in just a minute or two. Call 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:12:48 Adam Ready for something new? Try Durex tingling condoms. They're sex. Then there's Durex. Look out. It's hard to tell.

1:12:59 Drew 1974 again.

1:13:02 Adam It's hard to tell if this music would be scary if it wasn't associated with the movie.

1:13:09 Drew The Exorcist.

1:13:10 Adam The Exorcist. I don't know if you would be scared of it. Would you?

1:13:15 Fiona Horne It sounds eerie.

1:13:17 Adam Yeah, all right. I don't go with scary.

1:13:19 Drew And boring.

1:13:20 Adam Fiona Horne is here tonight. She's a witch here for Halloween.

1:13:23 Fiona Horne I'm going to plug my website again, fionahorne.com, if you want to find out more about me other than the fact I'm a witch.

1:13:30 Adam Yeah. You also can go to Playboy. Let's go to look at the last issue of Playboy and you can find out all you need to know about her running around with the stars and clouds.

1:13:39 Fiona Horne Or you can read one of my eight books that I've written.

1:13:40 Drew Here's a great question on your books. Have you ever done a spell that you regret now?

1:13:43 Adam She doesn't spell. I mean, doesn't do the spell. I can't spell, but she won't make spells. Do you make spells?

1:13:49 Fiona Horne I've done lots and lots of spells. And you regret? No, because I've got to that point as a mature woman that I don't regret anything anymore. Mistakes aren't mistakes as much as lessons and experiences.

1:14:00 Adam How about the one you put on that 747 of her locker beat? Oh gosh. You don't regret that at all?

1:14:04 Fiona Horne Actually, Richard Branson asked me to bless his A's airline and I didn't have any accidents.

1:14:09 Adam Why don't you bless one of his balloons so you can make it more than 10 feet without hitting power wires? That's one of those things. We should all get rich enough that we can make an assault on certain records that only rich guys can make an assault on. That ballooning around the world record, it's not like you have to be in great condition or good with balloons or navigations or you just have to have the S load of money.

1:14:34 Fiona Horne Well now it's about going to outer space, isn't it?

1:14:37 Drew Yeah, you know I'm looking at the books and look at all the pictures and it's all women with women.

1:14:42 Fiona Horne There's not a lot of pictures in there but the few that there are. Well that's Mike, you're looking at the Coven Making Magic Together which is about the group of witches I work with in Los Angeles. Actually if you go to my website and join the online club you can get that book for free.

1:14:53 Drew But uniquely this is a language and a way of thinking that is not...

1:14:58 Fiona Horne What's very female oriented.

1:14:59 Drew The masculine mind does not easily get its head around.

1:15:01 Fiona Horne Well it's and it's not there so I mean there are male witches, we don't have warlocks but the fact that we emphasize the role of the feminine is empowering and it is addressing the imbalance of a predominantly patriarchal culture for the last couple of thousand years. Yeah.

1:15:18 Adam Guys not interested in this. Nothing in it. Nothing in it for the guys.

1:15:24 Fiona Horne Well actually there's a lot of women celebrating their sexuality and going to learning annex workshops that the guys can hit on.

1:15:29 Adam That's what's in it. We talked about it earlier, earlier in the evening. And it should be brought up again that guys need to understand where the women are and go get them. And that's where they are. Drew, stop looking at the book because you cannot do two things at once.

1:15:44 Fiona Horne He's looking at my snake. He's looking at my pet snake.

1:15:47 Adam I know.

1:15:47 Fiona Horne My familiar Lulu.

1:15:48 Adam But Drew, meanwhile, you don't have a call picked out here. Somebody dropped off.

1:15:52 Drew You redo the potions on Bob Pye.

1:15:54 Adam Ooh, touche. Bob?

1:15:57 Caller Yeah, what's up?

1:15:58 Adam All right. What about potions? You say goat's potions?

1:16:02 Fiona Horne Performance enhancing potions. That's what he wanted, wasn't it?

1:16:05 Adam Yeah. What do you got?

1:16:06 Fiona Horne Horny goat's weed.

1:16:07 Drew That is how guys think about witchcraft. Right. They want a Spanish fly for a woman and they want something to make their junk go longer.

1:16:14 Adam Right, they want to make some chick get into oral. It's not an oral.

1:16:17 Drew That's a male, that's it. That's a male mind.

1:16:20 Adam Nuts and bolts. That's us.

1:16:22 Caller I've been able to find some spells on the internet, which are-

1:16:25 Drew There he goes.

1:16:27 Adam What are you looking to do? What are you looking for? Bob, what do you need it for? You're 19, you're 17. What do you care?

1:16:32 Caller Well, I'm trying to condition for my wrestling team. And I've been working out a lot, but it's just not doing it for me. I need to gain about 20 pounds.

1:16:40 Drew Oh, that kind of-

1:16:41 Fiona Horne Oh, we thought-

1:16:43 Adam Sorry. Sorry about the boner talk. Finally, a good kid calls in, and we throw him out with a bath water. One of the good ones. Look at him. God fearing, trying to condition himself. He's going to go off to college one day.

1:16:55 Drew God, I'm disgusted.

1:16:56 Adam I feel dirty. Drew, take a good look in the mirror, would you? I don't think you're going to like what's looking back at you. I just don't.

1:17:02 Caller It's also really hard to get by my parents because they're really religious.

1:17:06 Adam Yeah. So, so-

1:17:08 Drew You a Mormon? You a Mormon?

1:17:12 Caller No, no. It's not working.

1:17:13 Adam They're just Christians.

1:17:14 Caller We go to church every Sunday.

1:17:15 Drew See, this is something. There's no male equivalent of this. What picture I'm showing, Adam.

1:17:19 Adam Yes, there you go. From Fiona's book. All right, stop, Drew. Put the book down because you always check out. Here's the thing, Drew. If you were to give a tip to someone who was on the high school wrestling team from a nutritional standpoint, what would it be? Is there anything you can say?

1:17:38 Drew It depends on what the kid's needing. I mean, some of them are drop weights, some of them are gain weight.

1:17:42 Adam Protein.

1:17:43 Drew Lots of protein. Adequate carbohydrates. They have enough energy.

1:17:47 Adam But is there anything really-

1:17:49 Drew Lots of fruits and vegetables.

1:17:51 Adam It's all the same old boring crap, right? Eat right, work out, eat right, work out.

1:17:55 Drew And he has to sort of balance. You know, there are excessive aerobic exercising will lean you out and decrease your strength as opposed to weightlifting which will raise testosterone level, increase your strength. And you know, he's got to figure out that balance based on what his performance needs.

1:18:13 Adam I don't- in our school didn't have wrestling. We didn't have anything really. We said football, baseball, basketball, but maybe swimming. We didn't have gymnastics or wrestling or anything. Too poor, too stupid or too depressed. But I always hear about guys talking about high school wrestling. And it's always a guy who's walking around, weight is 155, but he's got to wrestle at 137. And the guy's wearing a hefty bag trying to sweat off the weight. And he's spitting into a cup and he hasn't eaten in three days. And the guy's 16. It doesn't sound very healthy. And no one ever intervenes. We do it with chicks all the time, like, sweetie, you got an eating disorder, you got to go to a hospital. Nothing wrong with a guy who's an athlete, who's trying to make a team, who's walking around 20 pounds lighter than he should be, who's trying to stun his growth essentially by not eating.

1:19:04 Drew Kidney failure.

1:19:04 Adam And the guy's running on a treadmill in a shopping bag trying to sweat the weight off. What? Making diuretics, that kind of stuff. I mean, does it seem healthy to anybody?

1:19:17 Drew No, no, no, no.

1:19:18 Adam Why isn't...

1:19:19 Drew Yeah, it's an institutional indoctrination.

1:19:21 Adam Yeah, and it doesn't... No one's the worst for wear, no one cares. All right. Bob?

1:19:27 Fiona Horne Yeah, well, the situation is I'm not actually on my team. I'm trying to get on the team.

1:19:31 Drew All right, so what's he going to do? It's athletic performance.

1:19:34 Adam She doesn't know what it's...

1:19:35 Fiona Horne Well, I mean, if you wanted my witchcraft-based opinion, my magical opinion, I mean, you always act practically as well as magically. If you wanted to act magically, I would suggest doing a spell that would bring this opportunity to you if you're interested in trying it.

1:19:53 Caller How do spells bring opportunities?

1:19:55 Fiona Horne Well, because it changes the way they help you. They ritualize a way for you to change the way you view the world and your place in the world.

1:20:03 Adam Yeah, but if there's only 12 guys who can make the team and you use a spell, that means a guy who deserved to make the team didn't make the team, because you put a spell on yourself.

1:20:11 Fiona Horne Well, if you're genuinely asking for a spell, the best things about doing spells and rituals is that they can, like I said, create change in your life by allowing you to perceive something else as possible other than your current course. So, you know, I think acting practically and magically, you could do a spell to manifest change in your life.

1:20:27 Adam Do some push-ups and work hard. What do you make the team?

1:20:30 Fiona Horne As well as do the spell.

1:20:31 Adam Here's the thing. Once in a while, you watch these inside sports shows, and they got the high school wrestler with no legs and no arms, and he's winning all his matches. And everyone's, he's like, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I compete. I'm always like, I feel sorry for the poor bastard as a wrestler, you know? You have your choice. Either the guy with no arms and no calves is going to kick your ass, or you take the guy out of his wheelchair, dump him down and put him in a figure four and beat the crap out of him. You know what I mean? They always do that story. It's like, he has no legs, but that didn't stop him from playing nose tackle on his high school football team. It's like, what about the poor guy had to block the guy? You know, the center? He's just some 17-year-old guy. He's 240 pounds. He's a nice kid. It's like, I got the guy in front of me. He's got no legs. I'm just going to have to pancake him every time into the dirt. It's raining. I'll drive him into the mud.

1:21:24 Drew What are you going to do?

1:21:25 Adam Or I'll sort of get out of his way and let him go trip up the back. It's weird. People are always like, these people should be allowed to compete. I always think they should, but I feel sorry for the dude who's wrestling them or whatever. I know we're all just supposed to get over it, but this is psychologically weird when you're a 16-year-old and you signed up for wrestling or football or something. There's a guy with no arms. He's beating the crap out of you. By the way, you lose to an able-bodied guy with a six pack. That's one thing. If a guy with no arms and no legs pin you in ten seconds, that's going to leave a mark. That's therapy. That stays with you. Imagine what people with actual hands could do to you.

1:22:10 Fiona Horne Given all that, does he want the spell?

1:22:12 Adam No. What is it?

1:22:13 Fiona Horne Well, it's pretty easy. Write down on a piece of paper what you want. You want to get on the team, write it on a piece of paper, green for prosperity and abundance and bringing good things to you.

1:22:22 Adam You write it in green or you use a green pen?

1:22:25 Fiona Horne We can do it on green paper with green pen.

1:22:28 Adam How can you read it if you do it on?

1:22:29 Fiona Horne You don't need to read it. What you're going to do is write down what you want. Why bother writing it down if it's green on green? Fold it over three times. Kiss it three times and then plant it. Put it in a potted plant and water and nurture the plant. As it grows and its life energy will infuse your goals and dreams and bring them to fruition. You have to be, if you're going to do magic, be prepared to accept something extraordinary as possible. Suspend disbelief, fear and cynicism and do it. And act practically as well. Train hard, eat well, as Dr. Drew said, and throw a bit of magic in and you might get lucky.

1:23:01 Adam So green on green.

1:23:03 Fiona Horne Green on green, kiss it three times, plant it, water and nurture love it.

1:23:06 Adam What would you write in this wrestling?

1:23:09 Fiona Horne He wants to get on the team.

1:23:10 Drew I am on the team.

1:23:11 Fiona Horne I am on the team, stated in the affirmative now. Yes, I am on the team.

1:23:16 Adam It's gonna be awesome when he's kissing the paper and putting it in the potted plant, and the step mom staring at him out the kitchen window. Holy Christ, Herb, get over here.

1:23:23 Fiona Horne I think it's wonderful that he's looking for alternatives and opportunities.

1:23:26 Drew Look at Mr. Kravitz.

1:23:27 Adam Yeah. He is going to wrestling. He is going to military school. I do not know. This kid is gone. He has done snap to twig now. Now what do I say about this boy? He's kissing that cray paper and he's putting it in a ficus plant. That's it for him. I'm out. Either he goes or I'm out. I'm gone.

1:23:44 Drew Is there a certain amount of time that that plant needs to be with that paper? Let's see if we can catch them next week.

1:23:49 Fiona Horne You've made a good point, which is we're currently in the dark moon, we're about to go into the waxing moon phase. When you're doing plants, when you're doing spells to bring things to you, you start them during the waxing phase of the moon, which is the time the moon builds to full. So then by the time there's a full moon, according to our magic, results will manifest.

1:24:08 Drew So Adam, money, car, Povella.

1:24:10 Adam Put that on the piece of paper, blow on it, put it up my ass.

1:24:13 Fiona Horne Kiss it.

1:24:14 Adam Kiss it, put it up my ass. When's the Brazilian waxing moon? That I could watch. Do we have one of those? I'd take a look at that. That's when the moon is just one strip down the center, it's not crescent, it's a Brazilian waxing moon. It'd be nice if we get the moon to break it up a little instead of the same old boring half moon and full orb and crescent. Yeah, but do a landing strip, let's see what that looks like for a change, break it up, surprise us with your orb sitting there doing nothing. You know what I'm saying? Let's go, let's motivate. Let's take a quick break, when we come back.

1:24:50 Drew And we'll look around.

1:24:52 Adam All right, well, potluck after this.

1:24:59 Drew We'll be right back.

1:25:00 Adam Please hold. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Fiona Horne is here tonight. She's a witch. Give that website out, Fiona.

1:25:18 Fiona Horne Oh, thank you. Fiona F-I-O-N-A Horne, horne.com.

1:25:23 Adam And she's here because it's Halloween. Why not?

1:25:26 Fiona Horne Why not? It's a very special time for witches.

1:25:29 Drew How's that?

1:25:30 Fiona Horne Well, the non-commercial celebration of Halloween is actually called Samhain, and it's our New Year. And based on the sort of Celtic way of measuring out the year as festivals of agricultural and astronomical significance. And so this is one of the greatest Sabbaths, Samhain, and it's kind of the time of the last harvest when tribal people used to live close to the earth, when there weren't supermarkets and electricity, and very much living close to, you know, creating your own food or providing your own food and harvesting and storing it. So this was a very important time. And we also saw it as the new year, because at every end is another beginning, and it's a festival of the dead when we honor the dead.

1:26:08 Adam Let me say this, leave the dead alone.

1:26:10 Fiona Horne Well, that's what it's ghosts and spooks around, but we see it as a time that you can communicate with the dead.

1:26:16 Adam I want to say this about everyone who has their own goddamn new year. Okay, then you don't get mine too, because I don't use yours, you know what I mean? Jews have their own new year, the Wiccans have their own new year, everyone has their own new year. Oh, this is our new year, this is our new year. Fine, you'll be working on the first. That's how, that's how my, that's my plan. You took your, you Jews, you took your, your new, this year's, that's your new year? All right, ours is the first of January. I'll not be working, I like seeing the office. Because you weren't in on your new year, but you ain't in on our new year either. And I only get the one. I'm gonna start spreading myself around. Wiccan, Christian, Jew, I'm going, I'm going for everything. I'm thinking every new year off.

1:26:57 Drew Including your own.

1:26:58 Fiona Horne Chinese New Year.

1:26:59 Adam Yeah, I'm just saying, declare your new year, and then you have to stick with it. You don't have to work Halloween. The Jews don't have to work on whenever Rosh Hashanah is, a couple of weeks ago or whenever. And but I will see you guys in the office on January 1st.

1:27:14 Drew Oh, no, wait a minute. No, you won't.

1:27:16 Adam I'll not see you there. I'll see you via via the nanny cam I have set up on your computer. I'll be home drunk honoring the new ringing in the new year. You guys will be at work because you weren't here during years.

1:27:28 Drew So something Fiona would talk about.

1:27:29 Adam How did everyone in their new year's.

1:27:30 Drew Ylang Ylang. What the heck is that?

1:27:32 Fiona Horne Well, it's a flower that grows. It's actually indigenous to Hawaii, I think, but it's a tropical flower. The beautiful scent has an aphrodisiacal quality. And we also see it as symbolic of honoring the feminine, the goddess. So often in ritual, we will anoint candles with Ylang Ylang oil and then burn the candles, being that the element of fire we see is one of the four sacred elements is air, earth, fire and water. So fire being an element that is a catalyst for positive change. And so we do we do rituals to honor the goddess on the full moon, nude burning candles anointed in Ylang Ylang.

1:28:08 Adam Yeah. Do you say it was air, fire, water and fiberglass?

1:28:14 Fiona Horne Yeah.

1:28:14 Adam What is the fourth one?

1:28:16 Drew Water?

1:28:18 Adam That's always something.

1:28:19 Fiona Horne Air, earth, fire and water.

1:28:20 Adam OK.

1:28:21 Fiona Horne The four sacred elements that we work with.

1:28:23 Adam Yeah. OK. That's it. It all comes from the ground. Mike?

1:28:28 Caller Yes.

1:28:29 Adam 30?

1:28:31 Caller Yeah. Before my real question for Dr. Drew, I'd like to ask you, Adam, Recycl-A-Rolla, I guess, took off.

1:28:36 Caller But what happened with your best invention, the mattress?

1:28:40 Adam Hmm. You know, I think the name was a little confusing for people. Orphus worked in the mattress. I have a... Look, here's the deal. I would reckon that at least half the males sleep on their stomach. I do just to protect my junk. Most guys sleep on their stomach, right? And most guys, over the course of an evening, get an erection at some point when they're on their belly, right? Now you have the erection and it's sort of, it looks like a rabbit trap. It's now propping up. It's like the stick that's under the crate with the string on it trying to catch the rabbit, right? Put the carrot in it. And I will have to get up and urinate during the, during the evening, oftentimes.

1:29:26 Drew Coffee we drink and then your medicine that follows.

1:29:27 Adam My medicine after the coffee. Here's my point. If somebody would make a mattress that had an orifice in it, a hole in it, and I would actually-

1:29:38 Drew She's into the goddess stuff. She doesn't appreciate what the male is.

1:29:40 Adam I would actually not, I would not just call it a hole. I would actually make it a slot shape. Like I would, I would make it, it, you know, sort of large pill shape. You know, you know what a-

1:29:51 Fiona Horne What shape are you?

1:29:52 Adam Well, I, I move around. You know what I'm saying?

1:29:56 Drew What happened to the nuts?

1:29:57 Adam Well, that would go in hole too.

1:29:59 Drew They go dappin. Okay.

1:30:00 Adam Yeah. Yeah. I would say the shape would be sort of, of a good and plenty.

1:30:04 Drew Yeah.

1:30:04 Adam You know what I mean?

1:30:05 Drew Yeah.

1:30:05 Adam It'd be about, now here's the reality. Here's reality. I don't need more.

1:30:09 Fiona Horne Is that Crescent Moon? Is it bent like a banana?

1:30:11 Adam It's, it's still, it's, it's the Brazilian waning and waxing moon. I, I say this. All I need is three inches wide by nine inches long. That's all, that's all the movement I have. Actually, it would probably be more comfortable because, okay, let me say this. Is everyone listening to this? For, for a hundred years, the bike seat was the bike seat. It didn't change. It was just that stupid bike seat. You sat on your nuts for however long your road. And then, hmm, 10 years ago, somebody decided maybe we ought to take the bike seat and make a right side and a left side and leave the center part kind of open. And now on the high end mountain bikes and 10 speeds and stuff, that's the seat, right?

1:30:51 Fiona Horne And in my spin classes.

1:30:52 Adam Your spin class, that's, that's what you get. Why sit on your own sack and cut off the blood supply to your own unit while you're pedaling your bike? Why not just let it aerate in there, right?

1:31:04 Fiona Horne You need to look after your sperm, otherwise you won't be able to procreate.

1:31:07 Adam That's right. As a matter of fact, I'm missing some. I'm going to talk about that later.

1:31:10 Drew Oh, later.

1:31:10 Adam Find some of that. Point is, is when I'm sleeping, why do I have to be sleeping on top of my hardened penis? Why can't you let it drop free? Could I have it drop into the mattress?

1:31:21 Drew And it could be the same hole that we use to put the condom loader in. So you roll into it, loads of condom attachments.

1:31:28 Adam Yes, and here's the thing.

1:31:30 Drew And it could be like beer cozies and stuff.

1:31:32 Adam Oh my God. Now just listen. Now just listen. Just listen. Let's suppose my penis is in this hole and I'm sawing logs and it's 5 a.m. and I have to tinkle. I have to tinkle. Do I get up? Hell no, I don't. Because there is a gutter. And this thing is just piped right out and just goes right into the sewer system. So whatever.

1:31:54 Drew Oh, but Adam, think of the attachments you put on. Oh, my God.

1:31:58 Adam And let's just say, Drew is a man of passion and he doesn't have a great gasket down there. And that can, that can.

1:32:06 Fiona Horne Well, maybe you could put a massage or like an enhancer into the mattress. You know, some kind of vibratory object.

1:32:11 Caller These are all, these are all options, obviously, obviously.

1:32:16 Adam But this is, here's the thing about this. This is essentially garbage disposal in your mattress. You know, if you got to throw an old condom in there, if there's a beer bottle that needs disposing of, you know, let's just say, or now you got the chute thing, you're Recyclerama, smoking a joint, you're putting Recyclerama to it. Yeah, recycle, you're smoking a joint, and you hear the stepmoms coming up the stairs, and boom, it's all in there, all goes in, all of it.

1:32:41 Drew What are we going to call this thing? Corolla, Corolla Master.

1:32:45 Adam It's not good. Yeah. Mike?

1:32:48 Caller Yes.

1:32:48 Adam Oh, my God, would I, would I do that? Would I get inside that mattress, boy?

1:32:53 Caller I'd buy one.

1:32:54 Adam I would too. Of course. And where, where?

1:32:56 Drew My house would be allowed with that.

1:32:57 Adam And the condom loader. Where's my heated sofa?

1:32:59 Drew The condom loader.

1:33:00 Adam Condom in there, drop it right in.

1:33:02 Fiona Horne Because we're talking about the goddess, what was the female version then?

1:33:05 Adam Of that?

1:33:07 Fiona Horne Of a mattress, like, you know, you don't have the mouth.

1:33:10 Adam You don't need anything.

1:33:10 Fiona Horne We don't get the mattress?

1:33:11 Adam Yeah, we'll dig out some boob slots. That'll be about it.

1:33:14 Fiona Horne Actually, that would be great.

1:33:15 Adam Okay. Take a, take a, for us, it can work as cup holders on the side if we're single.

1:33:22 Drew That's what I'm saying.

1:33:22 Adam We'll take a, take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Hey, hey, well, that's it. I want to thank Fiona Horne for coming in here tonight.

1:34:16 Fiona Horne It's a privilege and a pleasure. Check out my website, FionaHorne, horne.com.

1:34:20 Adam Thank you for weaving your magical spell on us. Also, you can go to see the last issue, last month's issue of Playboy. You can see the real action. All right, we're going to take a little extendo break, 22 hours worth. Enjoy what's left of your Halloween. Until next time, it's Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

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Monday, October 31, 2005