Episode 1000728771239

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist back from Las Vegas.

1:32 Drew Yeah, nice time there. And listen, it's the end of the summer, really, this whole Labor Day weekend stuff.

1:36 Adam Yeah, so it was nice and cool over there.

1:37 Drew Oh, yeah, of course. Well, same as temperatures here, interestingly enough.

1:40 Adam Really?

1:40 Drew Yeah, 95 there, 95 here.

1:42 Not that hot. Not that hot.

1:43 Adam For Vegas.

1:44 Drew Yeah, it's nice. But I was thinking to myself, yeah, a lot of people are depressed at the end of summer. Why isn't Adam depressed? Because summer and football season begins.

1:51 Adam Yeah.

1:52 Drew So it's good.

1:53 Adam Yeah.

1:53 Drew But come the end of football season, there's a crash.

1:56 Adam Yeah, that's right. Bottom out. Well, a couple of things. First off, I now have cars with air conditioning and homes with air conditioning and workplaces with air conditioning. But I grew up in the San Fernando Valley with no air and any cars and no air in any houses. And I'm not I'm talking about wall mounted units. Nothing, not no nothing. Yeah, nothing.

2:19 Drew But what happens now, though, every time you get a little sort of overheated, you get a post-traumatic stress response.

2:24 Adam Yes. I'm like a Vietnam like a Vietnam vet.

2:26 Drew That's right.

2:27 Adam Yeah. Car backfires. I hit the ground. Start yelling, start yelling for cover to take cover. They're yelling, calling for air. I grab my shoe and start yelling, yelling for air cover.

2:38 They bomb.

2:39 Adam This is Bravo. Charlie Fox. Strike five.

2:42 We're under fire here.

2:43 Adam I'm in the parking lot of the Zodies. I rolled under a cart.

2:47 Drew Oh wait, I'm just hot.

2:48 Adam Taking cover. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't like heat. So when the heat goes and I just, I like it when it's cold. I like when it gets darker. I like napping weather. Like a cool outside and then football season. Football right around the corner.

3:03 Drew Yeah.

3:04 Adam That is going to be awesome.

3:05 Drew It's here. What do you mean around the corner? It's here.

3:07 Adam Well, I mean, you know, Monday night, first Monday night game is Thursday. And then it's this weekend, first Monday night game is Thursday.

3:15 Drew That's nice.

3:16 Adam Yeah. So looking forward to that. And the only thing that's annoying about it is every adult male I watch football with now is into what well, what is called the fantasy football. But I like to call it fairy tale football because it's demeaning to the guys who do it. Now, it used to be to see what happens is every week we go over to Kimmel's house. And there's like, there's a solid core of like seven guys that are there for 11 hours. And then there's about six or eight guys who rotate through, they come in, they watch a few quarters, they make their way out kind of thing. But anyway, Jimmy puts out a big spread. He's got 28 TV sets. It's like the Caesar sports book over there. And you just sit there getting fat. Now, five years ago, half the guys were in one rotisserie league, now every guy's in three rotisserie leagues. So you have these guys that are screaming at the TV set for no good reason at teams they're not involved with because they have a player that just did something. So meaning, you know, Arizona is playing San Francisco. These guys are from New York. They don't like that team. The game's 37 to 13. There's two minutes left in the game, but there's a sack and these guys are up and screaming because they had Leon Lack or whoever the hell's playing in their rotisserie, whatever. And Leon Lack hasn't played about 15 years. But the point is, you know what I'm saying?

4:40 Drew And what do they get with what are they just the pride of ownership?

4:43 Adam What do you get? What does anyone get?

4:45 Drew I know.

4:46 Adam Now, theoretically, there's money involved, but it's not it's not weekly. Like, like, here's the deal. If a guy picks a, you know, 11 team parlay card and he's won nine games and he's got two more, I'm cheering with him. You know, he put down 25 bucks. He's he's in line to win five grand. If the Colts cover, I'm cheering with him. But when he just has one player on every other team and he's screaming at the set for no good reason.

5:13 Drew Horrible. Ruins football.

5:15 Adam It's it's it. How did this take off? If you would have told me these guys.

5:20 Drew Wait a minute. You guys must not have played football in high school. No way. Right.

5:25 Adam Ironically, ironically, no. Yeah, if somebody had said to me 10 years ago, look, there's going to be this this fad. It's going to be a craze. It's going to sweep football fans. What is it? They all go. They all get in a room and they have a imaginary draft where they all draft their own teams. Then each week they watch those teams. Then they subscribe to the magazines that have the stats. See how many catches Randy Moss had. See how I would have been like, are you? No way. These guys want to drink beer and yell and eat meat. You know, give me a break. They're not statisticians. They're fans.

6:00 Drew Oh, my God.

6:01 Adam Oh, my God. It is so good. It is it is one more step in the evolution toward us becoming chicks. And, you know, my big cross.

6:12 Drew Yeah.

6:12 Adam Where I think we're going to cross and actually be on the other side of women by the year 2037.

6:17 Drew Oh, that's going to be what this is part of it. Yeah.

6:19 Adam It used to be guys would sit around, watch football, argue and possibly fight. Maybe here's what you do. They get they get pent up. Someone backhand their old lady because their team lost. So they get they get a DUI on the drive home. Now they're just combing through piles of statistics, arguing about theoretical things about guys they've never seen. And they start speaking in terms like, oh, it's my team, my core receivers, my running back. You're you've never met these guys.

6:49 Drew Wait, wait, never played football.

6:50 Adam Never played football. Here's something to do. Why don't you draft supermodels and pretend you're banging them? That would actually be more fruitful. Yeah. There'd be more to it. Hey, hey, nailed Claudia Schiff. Claudia Schiff had a tough week.

7:05 Caller Pukaki.

7:06 Caller Yeah.

7:07 Adam Yeah, her hair, her hair's never going to be safe. Okay. All right. But you know what I'm saying?

7:12 Drew I'm just saying, yeah.

7:13 Adam I love football. That's why it breaks my heart to see everyone wrapped up.

7:17 Drew And you watch with the wrong guys.

7:19 Adam No, every guy, every guy's into it now. And they're obsessed and it's taken a grip over them. And the thing about it is, none of these guys, there's no problem with booze, there's no problem with drugs, there's no problem with anything. It's just this taking a grip over their life. And it's at a certain point where you want to pull them aside and go, buddy, I'm your friend. Could you please start doing heroin so we could hang out? Couldn't you just look, here's a rig. Drew got me a clean needle. Just please, I'll find that vein. Let me just tie you off, buddy. Please, so we at least have some common ground. Like, I understand this. I understand you wanting to chase the dragon. You with the three or four fantasy teams that you drafted last weekend in your buddy's crappy apartment. And then every Saturday becomes full, every Sunday is a full-time job. You have to watch every game, you have to check every stat.

8:11 Drew You have to cross-jug it. It's making me sick.

8:13 Adam Just sit down. Here's the thing about football, you barely need the sound. Just watch guys mashing into each other and enjoy.

8:20 Drew You guys never invite me to that game.

8:21 Adam Oh, you can't. Look. I didn't even say that.

8:24 Drew You can't go.

8:26 Adam You got to ask your wife's permission to make a number two. Do you understand? There's no way you're ever showing up at Kimmel's. And if you did, it'd be weird. First off, you'd be wearing, you know what you'd be doing? First off, you'd be dressed in weird, casual wear guy attire.

8:45 Drew This was the gym clothes?

8:47 Adam Yeah.

8:47 Drew The sweats.

8:48 Adam Well, no, you know what I mean? You know when guys who dress nice try to go casual, they have a stupid sweater draped around them and some funky, you know what it is?

8:55 Drew No, I know better than doing that.

8:56 Adam Funky loafers, something weird and casual, but not quite right. So first off, you'd be in weird, casual attire.

9:03 Drew Well, I'd say I just came from the hospital.

9:04 Adam It'd be one of these things. Weird, creepy, casual attire. The next thing you'd do is you'd be just a little off. You'd be in my peripheral vision, but you'd be a little off, a little out of the group. You'd stand aside a little and then you'd disappear at some point. I'm sure it would happen. Had to make a phone call, check in a page, something like that. And then about...

9:23 Drew But I have a good time.

9:25 Adam You'd have a good time for about 40 minutes. And then at a certain point, you'd take off and you'd make the announcement. An announcement, it'd be bad timing. It'd be right before the half or right before the first game ended or something. It'd be weird. So I didn't want to go through it.

9:37 Drew But I know what's going to happen.

9:39 Adam If you could wear some sweat pants and some sneakers and hang out for at least 90 minutes, I would invite you.

9:46 Drew Speaking of Kim, I heard he was re-airing the thing I did last week with him tonight. Does that make sense?

9:50 Adam You, uh...

9:51 Drew Me and Kathy Griffin.

9:53 Adam Well, maybe, maybe you just thought it was a good show. That's nice. That might be on tonight.

9:57 Drew I think so. I'm going to email them. I said they were seeing it.

9:59 Adam All right. I'll keep an eye on it. I got it on my Tivo. Danielle?

10:03 Caller Yes? Yes.

10:07 Drew Turn the phones on. We're not hearing the callers. It's not her phone.

10:09 Adam I don't care. I got more stuff to talk about.

10:11 Drew I know. What's going on over there?

10:13 Adam Hell, listen, don't worry about the phones. Let me talk about something else.

10:17 No!

10:19 Adam Drew, you know that creepy casual attire, that guy should have money wear?

10:22 Drew I'll just do this. I'll do the pajamas.

10:25 Adam Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Danielle?

10:29 Caller Yes?

10:30 Adam What's happening?

10:32 Caller Hello?

10:33 Adam What's happening?

10:34 Caller Who am I talking to?

10:36 Adam You're talking to the host of the show. Go.

10:38 Drew Who would you call?

10:40 Caller I'm calling the Loveline.

10:41 Drew That's right.

10:41 Adam All right, baby. Here we go now.

10:43 Caller Okay. My question is, I have been with my husband for ten years. And the other night, him and I were making love, having sex or whatever.

10:53 Drew And I started like, started squirting.

10:59 Caller Yes. That's the only thing I can explain it by. I thought it was peeing myself and he's like, no, no, no, you're not.

11:07 Drew Was it during the orgasm?

11:10 Caller I am thinking so. I have had several, I mean, I have multiple orgasms with him. I have always have, but this was a total different experience.

11:21 Drew Yeah, I have questions.

11:21 Adam But it was an orgasm.

11:25 Caller Yeah, but I have never had an orgasm where I have.

11:28 Adam No, I understand. I understand. Understand.

11:32 Drew And the women I've spoken to about this phenomena, which is female ejaculation, it's fairly common and it's normal. They kind of are oftentimes unclear if they've had an orgasm or not because they experience it as a release and it feels a relief the way you would feel a relief with say urinating, but it's not urinating and there's, but there's not quite the same feeling as an orgasm. It's like something a little different, a little separate. They have trouble describing it usually.

11:56 Adam Well, she feels like she had an orgasm, just something physiological went on. And that happens once in a while. Or it may be you just changing into that.

12:07 Drew Or some women that happens every time, but it's fine.

12:10 Adam All right. Is he cool with it?

12:12 Caller Yeah, but he was kind of like curious, too, of like what's going on. He's like, you know, he's like, babe, babe, babe. No, you're not peeing, you know, because I it felt really good.

12:22 Adam Yeah.

12:22 Caller Well, do you think in the middle of it, it like went on for like, I'm not going to I don't know. Like when you're doing it, it feels like forever.

12:30 Adam Sure.

12:31 Caller But I felt like in the middle of it, I'm like, oh, my God, I'm peeing.

12:36 Adam Yeah.

12:36 Caller Like, no, no, no, you're not. And then he's kind of curious, too, what kind of was going on. And I was. All right.

12:42 Drew Well, it's called female ejaculation. It's common.

12:45 Adam It's very common.

12:46 Drew Yeah. It's not something you need to be freaked out about. It's a special talent only some women get. You can sort of work on it and figure out how to do it again if you like that. And if not, it's something that may occur once in a while.

12:58 Adam All right.

12:58 Drew There you go.

12:59 Adam You're going to be on Kimmel tonight.

13:00 Drew I think so.

13:01 Adam You know, I was driving here getting angry at you because you just have to be you.

13:05 Drew Yeah. I know you've gotten down to that lately.

13:07 Adam Yeah. Well, you know what I was thinking?

13:09 Drew I'm never good though. And I'm never, but I'm never bad.

13:12 Adam Well, you have good outings for you.

13:16 Drew Which only I know, I guess.

13:18 Adam Yeah. Yeah. No one else knows. That's the beauty of you. You know what you are? You know what it's like?

13:25 Drew It's like a donut or something.

13:27 Adam No, you're like an animal. Like, like, like, well, like in the animal kingdom, maybe, maybe there's certain black bears that think they look better than other black bears, but we just see black bears.

13:39 Drew Polar bear.

13:40 Adam We just see bears.

13:40 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

13:42 Adam You know what I mean?

13:43 Drew Some bears might be more tracked with other bears, right?

13:46 Adam Yeah, right, right. We just see you. We don't, we don't, you know what I'm saying?

13:51 Drew Yeah.

13:52 Adam And then here's, here's why I get angry. Because I'm doing letterman later this week.

13:57 Drew Oh, yeah, you have to be.

13:58 Adam So my entire weekend was really filled with two questions, like, what are you going to do on your show, on my show, too late? What am I going to do on my show to do a better job on the guest segment, you know, with the interview segment? What am I going to do to make that better? And then the next question is, is what am I going to do when I'm a guest on Letterman? And I thought to myself, well, which is it?

14:19 Drew Yeah.

14:21 Adam Okay. Where do I get the codes? Like if, if, if, if it doesn't work, if it doesn't work out well in my show, isn't that the guest fault? Because if it doesn't work out well with Letterman, then it's my fault.

14:31 Drew Yeah, that's not right.

14:32 Adam Well, who's fault? How come it's always my fault?

14:33 Drew Oh, your fault.

14:34 Adam Yeah. Why do I always have to show up?

14:35 Drew What is that?

14:36 Adam You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

14:37 Drew What is that?

14:37 Adam I'm going to bring my goddamn A game all the time.

14:40 Drew You told me I'll be a guest on your show and it'll just be us.

14:44 Adam I'll get blamed when it goes poorly.

14:45 Drew Then we'll go back because it'll just be us.

14:47 Adam It'll just be you.

14:49 Drew I'll back it again. It won't be good.

14:51 Adam No, it'll just be you. Julie, you understand how much that sucks?

14:55 Drew Oh, yeah.

14:55 Adam All right. Go ahead, Julie.

14:58 Hi.

14:59 Adam 25, baby. What's up?

15:02 Caller I have a situation. To make a long story short, I've been married to my high school sweetheart for four years. We've been together eight. And last summer, he cheated on me with a girl that I was supposed to be the matron of honor in her wedding. I know it sounds a little backwood. So if you want to play the dealing banjo, go ahead.

15:25 Drew No, it doesn't sound backwood. It just sounds young, a couple-ish. Like these people, people in their 20s mistreat each other.

15:33 Adam Is a matron of honor married, made of honor?

15:36 Caller Yes, I'm married and I was supposed to be the matron of honor. And that didn't happen.

15:43 Adam Now we understand you married your childhood. He didn't cheat with you, did he?

15:49 No, I wish.

15:50 Drew Or some matron, some...

15:53 Adam He cheated with a matron of honor.

15:55 Caller No, he cheated with my friend.

15:57 Drew She was supposed to be the matron of honor in her wedding.

15:59 Adam You were supposed to be the matron of honor at her wedding.

16:01 Drew The friend's wedding.

16:02 Adam Oh, okay, my apologies.

16:03 Drew So it's a good friend that he screwed around with. God knows it may have been happening long before.

16:07 Adam Drew's theory, by the way.

16:11 Drew Wait a minute, what's my theory?

16:12 Adam Well, Drew oftentimes says that when women are about to get married.

16:19 Drew Oh, yeah, yeah.

16:20 Adam They do a little wild seed sowing.

16:22 Drew They collect some seed.

16:24 Adam Yeah, it's probably some genetic material. If there was a time when a woman might step out on her guy, ironically, it would probably probably be in the one month leading up into the marriage.

16:37 Drew Yep.

16:38 Adam And now I'm trying to figure out when the most vulnerable week is. I don't think it would be a week before the marriage, but it might be two, three weeks before the marriage, maybe a month and a half.

16:47 Drew And here's the irony. They don't, they said them on some level, it's like, well, this is, this is just, I'm just, so I'm out to a guy that would be the absolute, I mean, the husband found out about that, it would be off. I mean, it could not be anything worse from a guy's perspective. They sort of delude themselves, ah, what's the big deal? Just my last, my last, my last time. They don't be perfectly faithful. Guy would, that is the absolute biggest insult you can give a guy.

17:12 Adam Right. So, Julie. So you're still friends with the matron?

17:18 Caller No, I am not.

17:19 Adam All right, that's good. And how'd you find out about it?

17:23 Caller I read some emails. He lied to me. He told me that he was going to visit a friend and he actually visited her the day before I went down for her bachelorette party. So I found out after I got back from the weekend and he was mad that I was reading his email. And then he claimed that he only kissed her, but the emails allude to much more.

17:46 Drew Oh, my God. Is he? His guy's got wavos.

17:49 Adam But why? Why email?

17:52 Caller In the tent.

17:55 Adam He spent time. He spent a night with her in a tent.

17:57 Caller Yes.

17:58 Adam That he pitched in his sweatpants.

17:59 Drew Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

18:01 Adam But wait a second. Why? Why the email? Why document this?

18:05 Caller I don't know. They were. We lived in different towns, so he was communicating with her that way.

18:12 Drew Adam, you're not wired. You wouldn't appreciate it.

18:14 Adam No, I know. But why hash? You know, here's the deal. I understand communication before the crime, so you can coordinate which bang, which time, and all that. Why reminisce about the bank you robbed so the cops can find it?

18:26 Drew Oh, they were emailing about what they had done?

18:29 Caller Yes, how good of a time they had, and what a wonderful weekend they had.

18:33 Drew And by the way, why didn't they erase it?

18:36 Caller Oh, I got into his email. He didn't know that I.

18:39 Drew Yeah, but you could still erase it, right?

18:40 Adam It's not the cheating part. It's the stupid part.

18:43 Drew Yeah, but it's the same guy that says, oh, I just kissed her.

18:46 Caller Yeah.

18:47 Drew We used to sort of go bravado and.

18:48 Adam Right. And you got to wonder what she was thinking about with the email, too. I mean, you think she's in, you know, in love with him?

18:57 Caller Well, she claimed to not be. She ended up getting married. Fast forward, we moved away. We had to relocate to Georgia. And my sons left him in May.

19:08 Adam Let me ask this. Did did her husband find out about this?

19:12 Caller Yeah, I told him.

19:14 Drew Oh, you're perfect.

19:16 Adam Yeah, why not? Listen, if you got to suffer, why shouldn't other people suffer too?

19:21 Caller Well, he claimed that she told him, and he claimed he knew, so.

19:27 Drew Was that the end of that?

19:28 Caller Yeah.

19:29 Drew And so that marriage ended too?

19:31 Caller No, they are together.

19:33 Adam No. Why did you tell him?

19:35 Drew Oh, to get back at her.

19:36 Adam Yeah, whatever, just pay back, fine. All right.

19:39 Caller Why did I tell him? Because she was still talking to him. And I felt.

19:44 Adam Your husband?

19:45 Caller Yeah, she was still talking to my husband, so I thought that maybe he could prevent something.

19:50 Caller All right, all right.

19:51 Adam All right, yeah. Here's the deal, this is why you don't marry your high school sweetheart.

19:56 Drew And you don't get married in your 20s. This is it.

19:57 Caller I'm figuring that out.

19:58 Drew This is it. The bottom line, this is where it all goes. People in their 20s treat each other like ass.

20:03 Adam All right, so do you have kids, did you say?

20:09 Caller The main thing is that now I'm separated. I live in Minnesota, he lives in Georgia. And I'm having, I just don't know how I can cut ties. Like it's not, like part of me still wants to stay with him even though I don't trust him.

20:24 Adam Yeah, forget it.

20:24 Caller We have a dog and I don't think he needs to talk well.

20:28 Drew This is the problem of you marrying your childhood sweetheart too.

20:32 Adam You should have figured, you should have crossed these roads four or five years ago.

20:38 Drew You don't know how to end a relationship, you don't know how to let go, you don't have to terminate. Did you? I can't quite get a read on it.

20:43 Adam The hard part is over for you.

20:45 Drew Yeah.

20:46 Adam You reconnecting would be a horrible mistake. You're like a junkie who's made it through the first few weeks. The DTs, all the shaking, all the withdrawal, it's all in your past. Now you just have to go to a couple of meetings a week. You'll be cool.

21:01 Drew You'll start seeing other guys. Really, Julie. By the way, this thinking of so many good years, we have so many lives shared together. What do you want to do? Put more years on top of bad? Just get on with your 25. You got a whole life ahead of you.

21:14 Caller But one more question then. Last night, then I decided to go on a blind date, first thing I've ever done and total disaster. And it's like, are there...

21:24 Drew Blind dates are always... Listen, why is it a...

21:27 Adam Why is it a... Yeah. Why was it a total disaster?

21:30 Drew Blind dates are always a disaster, for one thing. But tell us why.

21:33 Caller Well, he stood me up 40 minutes, then he sent me a text message saying that he was nervous to meet me. And then I ended up meeting him anyway. And he happened to know some of my friends, so he'd been nervous. So I ended up going to the house that I was staying at. I was visiting a friend. And he pulled out a chunk of pot and started smoking it at their kitchen table. So I guess that was it.

21:59 Adam Sir Walter Raleigh. I think it's the tobacco part. Yeah, look, here's, I don't know why God has to punish you this way. Like every time I got cramped on by a chick or got dumped on or had a relationship go south, the first date with the new chick or a new dude, always bad, is if you're being sent a message and punished simultaneously. You know what I mean?

22:24 Drew Yes.

22:24 Adam And no, no, Drew, you know, too, that now eventually you had a few more dates and then you met a new chick and then you started something up. Now, if you'd met that new chick right out of the gate, you would have forgot about it.

22:36 Drew We just screwed that up, too.

22:37 Adam Well, you would have screwed it up, but it would have taken the edge off almost immediately.

22:41 Drew Yes, yes. Well, this is the first break up.

22:44 This is the first break up.

22:46 Caller But it's like...

22:47 Drew It takes months to get to that.

22:48 Adam But it's like you're being punished.

22:50 Drew I know. It is. It just...

22:53 Adam And it's like fate tempting you. Ah, go back. Go back. Do you see how it's going to be? Go back.

22:58 Drew It must be as usual, as most things with the human being, except we bring on ourselves. You know, we don't go out with the right person. We're not careful. We don't feel confident dating. We don't look around. We put ourselves in positions that make us feel like we should be going back.

23:13 Adam Yeah, but every success story is, you know, every successful comedian says, I went out on stage on an open mic and I bombed.

23:25 Drew But I got back up and I never happened.

23:27 Adam But I did it, you know, whatever, whatever it is, whatever. The first guy, you know, the guy lost his first professional fight and then won the next thirty nine in a row. You know, that kind of thing. That's all success stories. I went out and immediately it was easy.

23:39 Drew See, see, Julie, give it a little time. Please, forget about the dog or get the dog up in Minnesota.

23:44 Caller The dog.

23:45 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Yeah! Get it on, everybody! Got to get it on! Mandate to get it on. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191-ER. Hey, let me take care of a little business here. One lucky person nice gonna win the Durax Party Pack. The Party Pack includes CDs of good bands. Names we can't remember, but they're good.

24:33 Drew Huba Stank was one of them.

24:34 Adam Huba Stank, yeah, and The Killers.

24:36 Drew Oh yeah, that's right.

24:37 Adam Yeah? Yeah. You also get some money and you get some CDs. You get a poker set and you get the Durax condoms. Each night we're gonna pick the best call that we can remember. And you gotta be 18 years older to win. It's brought to you by Durax or Sex. And then there's Durax, yes?

24:55 Drew Yes.

24:56 Adam Now let me do some other quick business while I'm here. If you want to come out and watch my TV show, which is very fast and very painless and right in the middle of Hollywood, you go to www.oneiota.com and the one iota is just, you actually punch in the letter one and then iota.com. All right, Drew?

25:18 Drew There we go.

25:19 Adam Yeah?

25:19 Yeah.

25:20 Adam What's up, buddy? You ready to rock? JD?

25:24 Yes.

25:24 Adam What's up?

25:26 Nothing much. I have Prince Albert. And I'm thinking about getting more piercings on my penis.

25:35 Adam Hold on. Doesn't it go against the Amish teachings to get more piercings?

25:42 I don't know. I'm not Amish.

25:44 Adam Okay. Oh, you're stoner. You sound very stonish. Sound very Amish at the beginning. Oh, stonish.

25:52 Drew I was high down.

25:53 Adam How much weed do you smoke, brother man?

25:55 I don't know. Not that much, but pretty much.

25:59 Adam All right.

25:59 Drew Let me write that down. Puts a fine focus on it.

26:02 Yeah.

26:03 Drew Oh, it's just, it's just, I just snapped a clear picture.

26:06 Adam Snapped into relief.

26:07 Drew I'm thinking about Gramaday.

26:09 Adam Not that much, but pretty much. Okay. All right. Now we got that. You gotta be high now, right, JD?

26:17 Yeah, pretty much.

26:19 Drew JD, stop with the pretty much. Yes or no, we're just fine. Yes, yes, I'm okay.

26:24 Adam No, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take pretty much as affirmative.

26:26 Drew No, it was pretty, he has to pretty much as affirmative to three other questions. Who cares?

26:30 Adam JD, enough with the piercings. You're 25, you're high, you're a loser. Let's get a job, buddy.

26:36 Caller Yes, I'm worried about infections cause my buddy told me when he got his infected, they actually have to cut it off, which I am terrified.

26:47 Drew Cut off the piercing or cut off the penis?

26:49 Caller The penis, that's what I'm worried about. And everyone said, you have like more than five on there, like I want to get a...

26:54 Adam He's bogus.

26:56 Drew Yeah, whatever, JD, listen, whatever.

26:59 Adam Yeah.

27:00 Drew Here's the deal, if things were... Oh, who cares?

27:05 Adam I'm going to dignify with the answer. Where are you working?

27:08 Caller Oh, I work at a concert pavilion.

27:11 Adam What do you do there?

27:13 Caller I give people tickets.

27:14 Adam Concessions? All right, concessions is a step up. JD, what's the plan besides putting a step ladder on your joint? What is the overall plan for your life?

27:30 Caller Well, not to get infections and not to get it cut off.

27:33 Drew Okay, good.

27:34 Adam Yeah, I'm not...

27:35 Drew Just keep your penis at a sharp place.

27:36 Adam I'm not talking to your penis, I'm talking to you.

27:39 Caller All right.

27:40 Adam What's your plan?

27:43 Caller I just like want to be an actor this time.

27:45 Drew Oh, yeah.

27:48 Adam JD., please promise me. Here's what I want you to promise me.

27:52 Drew You'll stay away from my kids.

27:53 Adam No. Well, yes. Well, I don't care about that. JD., promise me you're in Wisconsin, right?

28:00 Caller Well, like Fox River.

28:04 Adam Okay. Oh, okay. I know the area. You know, Jed, hey, go to New York. Do not come to Los Angeles. You understand me?

28:15 Caller Yes.

28:16 Adam Go to New York. New York's a little bit closer, right?

28:18 Drew A little bit. Yeah.

28:19 Caller You were in there before.

28:20 Adam Yeah. Go get out there, buddy.

28:22 Drew Much better for you.

28:23 Adam You want to act. And by the way, I see you doing legitimate theater.

28:26 Drew At Shakespeare.

28:27 Adam Shakespeare. None of this crap. None of these Mentos commercials.

28:31 Drew We shoot out here. Solario, Saladio.

28:32 Adam Go to New York. Please go to New York if you want to act. And that's a good message. I want to send to all these stoners out there when I come to Los Angeles and just sit in front of me, not knowing it's illegal to turn right on a red light in this city. Go to goddamn New York. Would you please? And F up there, city. If you want to do something, as long as you're not going to do it, don't do it there. You'd always get a gig as a waiter, right?

28:56 Drew Way more so there, too. A lot more than that.

28:58 Adam Thank you. And whenever you talk, whenever they talk about all the greats, they all went to New York. The James Deans of the world. They all went to New York. They didn't come to Los Angeles. The Hey Vern guy came to Los Angeles. James Dean, he went to New York.

29:12 Drew He sold cars out here first.

29:13 Adam That's right. It's Ritos Auto Square. It's dealing days. Stacey?

29:18 Caller Yes.

29:19 Adam Yeah.

29:20 Caller Hi.

29:20 Caller How are you doing?

29:21 Adam Good.

29:23 Caller Good.

29:25 Caller Sorry, I'm a little bit nervous right now, but that's all right. Try to give you just what's going on. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He has a history of not ever letting anybody into his life or knowing him.

29:40 Adam Oh, you got to break through. You got to get to know him.

29:43 Drew It's something special there.

29:44 Caller I've tried. And it all started off with he has a real big insecurity about knowing people, knowing if he masturbates or stop with the sort of the cool... I'm sorry?

29:58 Adam Masturbates.

29:59 Drew Smoked a tab, maybe?

30:01 Caller Okay, jack's off. He has been porned from me for a long time. And I guess I was just...

30:09 Drew That's not an insecurity about him wanting people to know. He doesn't want you to know because he knows you'll freak out about it.

30:16 Caller Okay, well, that makes sense. And I think that comes down to the fact that I know he likes to do it. I know he likes to do it in the shower. But we have sex maybe once a week, if that's right. I mean, I just don't... He has a history of, you know, ADD and, you know, all that stuff. And he used to be on medication for it all the time. And now he doesn't take it anymore. Good. Good.

30:42 Adam Good.

30:43 Caller I don't know if that has something to do with it.

30:45 Adam I mean, he's not taking a Ritalin anymore.

30:46 Drew Yeah, it's good. To do with what? You haven't told us what the problem is.

30:49 Adam Well, they masturbate.

30:51 Caller The problem is here being he's been pushing me away. We have two kids together and he's been pushing me away for a while. And it was two kids with him.

30:59 Adam Well, why do you why do you have two kids with a guy that you don't get to know?

31:04 Drew That no one knows. And you have two kids with them. By the way, if no one if you don't know him, how could I even be two children with him?

31:13 Caller I don't know. I don't know. I've done everything that I possibly can. I mean, from saying, you know, it doesn't matter what you tell me, doesn't matter who you are. I'm going to accept you for what you are. Well, and then he comes back and saying, oh, what do you want me to know? What do you want to know about me? I've told you everything in my past. I'm like, it's not about who you are in your past. It's about who you are.

31:31 Adam Where's your dad?

31:33 Caller My dad is here, actually.

31:38 Drew And you have a good friend here.

31:39 Adam You have a good relationship with him.

31:41 Caller I have an awesome relationship with my dad. I consider him probably my best friend. And my mom, on the other hand, they've been together for almost 30 years. She doesn't know how to communicate very well. But other than that, I can't talk to her as much. But I don't know. I've never.

31:58 Adam What went wrong? Why? Why did you become such a f up? I mean, your parents are.

32:04 Caller What?

32:05 Adam Oh, well, I can't use the entire word, but I say f up. I didn't. I didn't.

32:11 Drew I'm not married.

32:12 Adam You got two kids.

32:13 Drew You know, two kids, the guy you don't know.

32:14 Adam You don't know.

32:16 Caller No. Well, I know we've been together for three years.

32:19 Drew Oh, well, why did you say so?

32:21 Adam I didn't know you guys. I thought you just cranked out the two kids this weekend with the guy. I didn't know you'd been together for a few weeks. OK, so you've been together for three years. Quite a while. OK.

32:29 Caller All right.

32:30 Adam Well, that's totally different situation as one hundred, one thousand, one million, one kabillion. OK, it's totally different. It's totally different. OK.

32:39 Caller So on that note, I've always known that he's he's always up to something. He's that kind of guy. He's a 28 year old in a 20 year old show.

32:49 Drew What does he do for a living?

32:51 Caller He works in a bakery.

32:54 Adam And he's always up to something. Well, what does that mean?

32:58 Caller Well, he's always been up to something. He's just very secretive, always hiding, you know, trying to hide.

33:04 Drew That guy smokes a lot of pot. You know what I mean? That guy works in a bakery doing the repetitive jobs.

33:08 Adam Does he smoke a lot of pot?

33:10 Caller No, actually, he hasn't smoked pot in about four years.

33:13 Drew Did he used to smoke a lot of pot?

33:15 Caller He used to. And he used to be a sexual addict as well.

33:19 Drew OK. Well, was he sexually abused growing up? By the way, he's still smoking pot. I got news for you.

33:25 Adam Well, you don't know.

33:26 Drew Unless he's in recovery. Is he in recovery of some kind?

33:29 Caller No, actually, as far as I know, he went to jail for a couple of years and that kind of knocked some sense into him.

33:35 Drew No, no, he's still smoking pot.

33:36 Adam Hold on a second. Let me explain about the enigma mystery man. Never working undercover for the CIA. It's not like he's just driving the rusted out Vega as part of his cover. There's no bat pole to slide down. There's no cave. There's no mystery. There's no, he doesn't meet with Mr. Axe or he doesn't go down to look at his cigarette lighter that's actually dispenses nerve gas or anything. The mystery man turns out they beat off the kiddie porn. That's their mystery.

34:12 Drew Right. They're underdeveloped. They're disconnected. They're fragmented. And that's why it seems mysterious because there must be something there. No, no.

34:22 Adam Let me explain something. There's mysterious, like does a lot of stuff and doesn't want you to know. And then there's mysterious beats off the weird underage porn on the Internet and doesn't want you to know. You know, Huff's copier toner in the garage and doesn't want you to know. That's not mysterious.

34:41 Drew It's secretive. It's the secretive and guilty.

34:44 Caller Yeah.

34:45 Adam These are basically felons.

34:48 Drew He went to jail.

34:49 Adam Yes.

34:49 Drew For what?

34:50 Adam I knocked some sense into him.

34:52 Drew Yeah, of course. It always works.

34:54 Adam Why did he go to jail?

34:56 Caller He went to jail for burglary. I guess he was, I don't know. I think he was about 19 years old.

35:03 Drew Oh, yeah. Well, he's outgrown that.

35:05 Adam He was a kid. He was a kid, of course.

35:07 Caller He was a kid. And I just, my whole situation, this goes into a lot deeper than what I'm just talking to you about.

35:14 Adam Two years he went to jail for what?

35:17 Drew Just armed robbery, probably.

35:19 Caller Well, burglary. And he initially told me that it was for some kind of drug-related issue. But then I found out in the end, you know, that it had to do with-

35:28 Drew So what was the deeper thing?

35:30 Adam What it had to do with? I don't know.

35:32 What did this have to do with?

35:33 Adam What did it- See, Drew, what happens? What did the burglary have to do with it in the end?

35:40 Drew He was telling you it was not just a drug-related thing. It was- he ended up telling me- you continue.

35:47 Caller He didn't tell me. I found out through another source.

35:50 Adam You ended up finding out that it is what?

35:54 Caller I don't know.

35:56 Adam Okay, Drew, but no, you're mad at her. I'm mad at you. You cut her off, you idiot.

36:02 Drew I don't blame you. She can't follow a thought.

36:04 Adam Stacey, I wish we had some tape we could roll back. I'm just curious- Drew cut you off.

36:12 Caller Yeah, I'm hearing two questions at a time.

36:14 Adam I know. It's all right. Drew cut you off, sweetie. I was asking if it was drug-related and-

36:23 Caller As in him selling drugs, that's what he initially told me. But I think that may have sounded better than burglary, and that's why he lied to me about it. He's a compulsive liar. Let me give you that.

36:35 Drew And so you ended up finding out that it was-

36:37 Adam That's enough.

36:38 Drew Burglary.

36:38 Adam It's burglary. Okay, all right.

36:42 Caller I don't know if something happened to him while he was in jail that has just made him, cause he's, you know, it's like he tries to open up and then he backs off, and then he tries-

36:51 Drew Look, Stacey, hey, you're living in like some sort of, I feel like I'm talking like a kindergartner or something.

36:58 Adam I feel sorry for you, Stacey. And what happened to you? I mean, your parents are together.

37:02 Caller Nothing has happened to me. Let me tell you.

37:04 Drew When did you finish? When did you drop out of high school?

37:06 Caller I didn't. I graduated high school, and I have some college on me.

37:10 Adam Junior college. I can smell it from here. Stacey, look, why'd you have two kids with this idiot? And by the way, if you have a third kid, I'm gonna come over there and strangle you. Do you understand?

37:20 Caller No, I don't. But can I ask you a question of the root of my problem?

37:25 Drew Look, the root of the problem is he was sexually abused and physically abused probably with what you're describing here. Trying to figure him out, you are not a psychoanalyst. You're not a PhD clinical person. You're way over your head. Stop thinking about these things. You're thinking about the things you have no understanding of. This is all nonsense. Everything you're thinking is completely off base. He is a trauma survivor. He is an addict and he is a criminal. He has major psychiatric problems. Do not expect to be able to get any further with him than you have. His brain doesn't work that way. If he is interested, he is interested in changing. Yes, there are 12 step programs. Yes, there is psychotherapy. They can bring him along a little bit over a very long period of time with hard work. But you going at him to open up will do nothing. He is incapable of that.

38:11 Adam So, what are you going to do?

38:12 Caller Can I tell you what I heard about recently?

38:15 Adam No.

38:15 Drew That he did? That he was sexually abused or whatever?

38:17 Adam He is a disaster.

38:18 Drew Or that he raped somebody?

38:19 Caller I found out that he had some personal ads out on a chat line. Right, right.

38:23 Drew He was a sex addict. Stacey has not been treated. Addiction does not go away.

38:28 Adam Here's the real question. How did you get in the position that you would be attracted to this guy? How did you get so stupid slash naive that you would crank out kids with this guy and think you could somehow have a relationship with a bad guy? It's not what a bad guy he is. That's not a question because there's bad guys everywhere. All over the world, throughout history, open the newspaper. There's one on it every day. Why are you attracted to it? Why are you hanging in with it? That's the only question you need to ask.

39:00 Drew If you want to answer, you go to therapy, you go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor. You're probably going to find your dad was an alcoholic.

39:06 Adam The kids are going to look, like I said, take the son, drop him off at the prison, take the daughter, drop her off at the strip joint, and let's just get a jump. It's the Adam Corolla Head Start program. Head Start. Idiots, crapping out kids. No one's got anything to say. Oh, all right, I feel bad for.

39:26 Drew Let's take a break.

39:27 Adam But look, don't be so naïve. The guys have messed.

39:30 Drew Look, I know.

39:31 Adam OK, we'll take a quick break. Be right back after this. We'll be right back.

39:40 Caller Please hold.

39:44 Adam Yeah, Love Line, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. OK, we just got out of the bathroom. Drew hopped on the urinal. That's where I usually go.

39:59 Drew I'm sorry. I screwed you up.

40:00 Adam I walked into the I walked into the stall to find the lone pube on the seat, which is always weird.

40:06 Drew Oh, they said Duke.

40:07 Adam Well, there was both. Now, here's what happened. I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this. The person flushes the toilet, but the one flush doesn't really get it. Then what happens is everything is like the world's worst snow globe. Everything sort of settles at the bottom. It just looks a little brown, a little murky. And then when you hit the thing, it whips it all. It whips it all up. All of a sudden, poof. It's like a manatee taking a crap in a river. Boom.

40:35 Drew I'm glad I closed the urinal, frankly.

40:38 Adam Yeah, it was awesome. I couldn't even go. That takes a lot for me.

40:42 Drew Yeah, that was quick for you, by the way.

40:43 Adam Sarah?

40:45 Yeah, hi.

40:46 Adam 27?

40:47 Yes, I am.

40:48 Adam What's up?

40:50 Well, I have a question. My boyfriend got kind of excited about the idea of having anal sex the other day.

40:58 Drew First, let me stop you right there. First, this is our Durex Received Precipient.

41:02 Adam Yeah. All right, we're going to send you out that Durex Party Pack.

41:06 Okay.

41:07 Drew I need a little help that way.

41:08 Adam Yes.

41:09 Caller All right.

41:10 Adam Keep going.

41:12 I had kind of a bad experience with anal a few years ago and haven't tried it since. But I-

41:16 Drew What happened?

41:18 It was just painful and not intimate. It wasn't a loving experience. It was just bad and how.

41:27 Drew I'm not sure your boyfriend is considering loving experience when he asked for that.

41:34 Adam Yeah, baby.

41:35 Drew I want to get closer. You've got to understand a male's brain. He'll be fine not having anal sex.

41:42 Adam Well, it wasn't this guy.

41:43 Drew I know, but she doesn't want to do this guy because of her bad experience. And she doesn't want to disappoint him. And it makes him feel closer and more loving.

41:50 Adam No, no, no, no, Drew. You're always wrong. She's worried about her and her ass.

41:56 Drew Yeah, but why would you even consider doing it then?

41:59 Well, because not everything anal is bad.

42:03 Drew If it's painful and damaging and can cause prolapse and tearing and fissures and hemorrhoids and rips and all kinds of lovely things. And you are someone that clearly had trauma with it. Why would you try again with this guy?

42:16 I have...

42:17 Drew Especially when you put it in the context, by the way, Sarah, of looking for a loving experience because that's not what he's thinking about. I guarantee you that's not his intent in getting anal sex.

42:27 Adam I'm curious when you say not everything anal is bad, what you mean by that?

42:32 I've had good experiences and I have a friend who's very much into anal sex. I'm just curious about it.

42:41 Adam You have a female friend and she enjoys it. You say you've had good experiences.

42:50 I've had not penetration that was good, but other.

42:55 Drew Why don't you stick with that?

42:57 Adam Maybe a little butt dart action. You had a little tongue lashing down there.

43:07 Yeah, maybe.

43:08 Adam Wow.

43:09 Caller Stick with it.

43:10 Drew Yeah, but that's not harmful. Maybe that's you.

43:13 Sorry, you just suggested not having anal sex at all.

43:17 Drew Listen, some people-

43:18 Adam We would tell you to do it if you're into it, but you don't like it.

43:21 Drew No, you don't like it. It hurts you and your body is telling you it's harmful.

43:26 Adam I got an idea. Why don't you tell us something you ate last that made you throw up and see if we can talk you into eating it again? You want to do that?

43:33 Drew Or worse, something that really broke a limb or something.

43:36 Adam No, it shouldn't break a limb. It wasn't good. It was a bad experience.

43:40 Drew This is an area that when it hurts, it's a sign of trauma. Some women don't have pain, it works, it's fine. Well, the loving thing is absurd. That's absurd because that's not what a guy is looking for when he's asking for that. He's asking for something more misogynistic, believe me.

43:54 But I live with this guy. I mean, we're talking about a long-term thing here.

43:59 Drew Listen, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but this experience is not what he's looking for.

44:03 Adam But here's the other thing, Sarah. I know you're calling from San Francisco, you're a Democrat, you're not uptight, you're wide open, free love and all that crap.

44:11 Caller Hell yeah.

44:11 Adam You wish you were the kind of person that could handle it, you can't.

44:15 Drew Your anus will prolapse when you're about 65, and wait till you see how lovely that experience is.

44:20 Adam I don't know, it won't.

44:21 Drew Yes it will, it's traumatizing.

44:23 Adam I would like to tag her anus and check it in 37 years.

44:27 Drew You will be prolapsed.

44:29 Adam I will tag her anus.

44:30 Drew If she keeps this up.

44:31 Adam I will tag her anus and check it.

44:34 Drew Good luck.

44:35 Adam I'll follow its migration. Listen, Sarah, listen to me, you would like to think of yourself as the kind of person that was into this or could handle it or whatever. You're not into it, you can't handle it. So move on.

44:47 Drew Next.

44:47 Adam Next.

44:48 Drew And ask him for the other thing that you do want and see how much he loves you.

44:50 Adam And don't get into that whole conversation where the last guy that holds you when you're done. Don't get into that. Just say not into it. Move forward. But I love him. All right.

45:05 Drew I like to.

45:06 Adam Talk a little Germany, Florida.

45:07 Drew No time for that.

45:08 Adam All right. Eric.

45:11 Caller Hi.

45:12 Caller Uh-oh.

45:13 Drew What's up, Eric?

45:15 Caller Good. So. Ready for it?

45:18 Adam Yeah. Go ahead.

45:19 Caller OK. These kids got one. These kids got one less Christmas birthday present one year. They were twins because it got blasted apart by the police with a shotgun because when they sent it to the X-ray machine at the airport, they got it by air mail. When they sent it to the X-ray machine at the airport, the police spotted wires that it actually held or several pairs of jeans and a set of walkie talkies.

45:47 Adam Is this a Germany or Florida?

45:48 Caller Yep.

45:50 Adam Well, now this is ironic because we were going to take a Germany or Florida, which was labeled Germany or Florida from Amanda on line four.

45:59 Drew Is your name Eric? Yep. Is it Eric?

46:05 Adam All right.

46:06 Drew He should be punished.

46:07 Adam Drew had no time for Germany or Florida. So we took Eric, which says likes pain, hits himself. His dad had a stroke. You hit yourself. And you like pain. This is like in your dad had a stroke.

46:24 Drew Is he hyper high blood pressure?

46:27 Caller No, he's been very healthy all his life.

46:30 Drew Do you have aneurysm?

46:32 Caller Mm hmm. I don't know.

46:33 Adam He's 13 once he's no doctor. But listen, I appreciate in the face of all this pain and misery, you're able to cheer everyone up with a Germany or Florida, albeit a very depressing Germany or Florida, but a Germany or Florida.

46:46 Drew I'll take Florida.

46:48 Adam I'll take Florida too.

46:49 Drew Go ahead, Eric.

46:51 Caller Spot on. Yeah.

46:52 Adam Thanks, buddy.

46:53 Drew I'm back.

46:53 Adam Now hang on. Drew's back in a big way. He's two for the last two. We're going to put you on hold and try to address your actual question, all right?

47:02 Caller Sure.

47:03 Adam All right, buddy. Ooh, is he a teenager? We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

47:11 Caller Alright, guys, here's the deal.

47:13 You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:16 Caller One call's all you need to make.

47:18 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:19 Caller 877-889-DATE.

47:21 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:41 Adam Yeah!

47:42 Caller Woo!

47:44 Adam Love Line, everybody! I'm Adam Corolla, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LLV-E-191-er. One lucky person tonight. Did we pick our one lucky person?

47:56 Drew We picked our first hour one lucky person. We have a second hour lucky person.

48:01 Adam They're going to get the Durex Party Pack, you get the CDs, you get the poker set, you get the money, and you get the Durex condoms. It's got to be 18 years of age or older, and it's brought to you by Durex or Sex, and then there's Durex. Let me say this, Drew.

48:13 Drew Say something.

48:15 Adam I was driving around. Now, Drew and I were driving out of the studio. We take the same route home about half the way, and then we part ways. We lament, but we part ways.

48:30 Drew We keep speaking. We keep talking.

48:30 Adam We keep speaking on the cell phone, but we part ways. I think it was last week on Wednesday, when we were leaving here, the freeway was stopped. We got on the 10 freeway, then we got on the 110, and the freeway came to a stop.

48:47 Drew Oh, yeah.

48:48 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

48:49 Adam And I go ballistic. Drew and I always talk on the cell phone when we're leaving. We're like, we're like smoking the bandit.

48:56 Caller Oh, yeah.

48:56 Adam I'm out front. I'm the bandit. One of us is out front, and then one of us is always out front running point, and Drew will be like, here's smoke here, here's sugar, five o'clock, choose one. I'll be like, okay, Drew, don't hit your brake pedals, go to light up your brake light, pull E's on the E-brake because we're doing 85, and someone will see a county mountain up there and report back to their guy. It actually works if you have a guy sort of off ramp and a half ahead of you, he can tell you what's happening. We got onto the downtown Los Angeles freeway, and it came to a complete stop. I went ballistic because I said to Drew, we have all these goddamn signs, these big light up billboard signs that cost millions of dollars that they've had hung over the freeway for the last 20 years that they keep adding on to, that could tell you something like attention all tards. I know you're getting on to the 110 going through downtown. Hey, here's an FYI, it stopped. It's not moving.

49:56 Drew Yeah, there was signs just before that on ramp too.

49:58 Adam In which case, I would gladly hop off on La Brea or wherever and cut across town. Tonight, when I was driving in, and I scream at Drew, and Drew, I've probably done it over the cell phone 1,300 times with you now when I'm being diverted off the 110 and having to drive into gang-infested areas at 1 in the morning to turn around because of the freeway was closed down. Why can't they write it on the goddamn sign? They have an electric sign.

50:30 Drew Type it in.

50:31 Adam It works perfectly for the amber alerts. When somebody is abducted, they immediately just type in the weight and height and whatever.

50:40 Drew Listen, and I can always count on those signs to tell me what's going on in San Diego.

50:44 Adam Once in a blue moon, they tell you that the DeVore Pass has been, one of the lanes is closed, which I don't know where that is because it's several hundred miles from where we are. But once in a while, just to F with us, they put some obscure piece of, it's almost traffic trivia. You know, why don't they do that? The first intermittent windshield wipers were invented by what company and installed in what year? Because it would really be better. And just put some goddamn traffic trivia up there. Yes, the SIGAlert was named after, just tell us something, at least keep us entertained, you got nothing. Except for once in a while, a kid is abducted. Once in a while. Yeah, every other night a kid is abducted. At that point, I don't know what to do. I always feel like reaching out and slapping that Starsky and Hutch siren on my thing, pulling the e-brake, whipping it around and going after somebody. Like, okay, what should I do now? Here's the deal, I have to get involved with the law enforcement, okay. So here's the thing. By the way, when I read this sign, am I now deputized? How does this work?

51:48 Drew By the way, you have to read the sign every 300 yards.

51:50 Adam How about you just put what's on, if someone gets abducted, fine. But on the off chance that someone not being abducted, go ahead and put the fact that the goddamn freeway is being closed down, several off ramps in front of me. That would be a nice tidbit. So tonight on the way work, so that was our last conversation, and I started seeing on the night, tonight on the way in, the freeway stopped. And I mean, I came to a stop on the freeway. No, on the 101, going through Hollywood, and I thought, oh my god, I got to get off the freeway. I'm going to be late. I'm going to miss the gig. And the reason the freeway stopped is because the sign was lit up, and it said, it said, it said, drive safely. And then it said, obey the speed limit.

52:35 Drew And first off, people were slowing down to see that. That's what stopped.

52:38 Adam Well, this is the 101 Hollywood crowd. So these are practically retarded people.

52:42 Drew But once you pass the sign, it sped up, picked up.

52:45 Adam Didn't have to get off the freeway.

52:47 Drew My effing God.

52:47 Adam Yeah.

52:48 Drew And OK, well, these are the people you should be in New York.

52:50 Adam Well, OK, I got a couple of issues. One is I don't like the word obey. Observe is fine. I don't like obey. That's too Orwellian for me. That's like an 80s Nike. That's like a Nike commercial from the 80s. I don't like obey. I don't like when the man starts saying obey. Yep. That's the one. And by the way, you know what you guys just got for that? I'm going to go through another thousand of your crappy left turning red, red, red arrow. That's that's that's my take on obey. You a-holes number one. And tonight I'm going I'm driving home at 90. I usually go 85. I'm going 90 just because you guys used obey. But here and I'm swerving. I'm going to go.

53:26 Drew I'm going to go to the holiday.

53:27 Adam I'm going a ratic on your ass. Why can't we use those mother effing signs for something other than click it or ticket obey and the amber lers? Can we can they not figure out what's going on 10 feet in front of the sign and let people know when the freeway is going to be stopped? Is it possible?

53:45 Drew No, clearly not.

53:47 Adam Clearly not. So here's the thing. And I know everyone's had an ass full of me and my chirping about this, but we live in a city that claims they want to do something. You have multimillion dollar system, a diamond vision and signs every mile you could use to go ahead and alert people to problems that are coming up and you choose you choose not to.

54:11 Drew These are the signs that speak to Steve Martin and LA Stories. Right.

54:15 Adam Anyone saw that? They were put here for the 84 Olympics. And here's the other thing too, when I always go berserk when I'm on the cell phone with Drew, Caltrans, the folks that do close off the off ramp to the 101, don't they know, do they not have a calendar? Do they not know months in advance this work is going to go on?

54:34 Drew Aren't they the ones doing the signs?

54:36 Adam One would think. But nobody knows and nobody knows and nobody knows. And for that reason and that reason alone, this has to be some worst town. And I know, New Orleans seems bad and confused. It pales in comparison to the jackasses and idiots that are running Los Angeles. These guys have to just be, I don't want to call them human beings. I have no idea what they're doing and neither do they. What can we do about this, Drew?

55:05 Drew Keep yelling about it on the radio.

55:06 Adam Yeah, yeah, that's going to work.

55:07 Drew And keep speeding, keep going through left turn.

55:09 Adam Please everyone join me. Please whatever town you live, wherever you live in, you don't have to live in Los Angeles. I don't care where you are. If you're within the sound of my voice, you owe it to me to drive through the left turn arrow. Once it turns red, that's provided. The signal is green and there's no traffic coming. You treat it, you know what you do?

55:31 Drew Treat it like a red light.

55:32 Adam You know what's a nice thing to do? Go ahead and flip your sun visor down. It'll block it out and you just then you just treat it like you're at an intersection where the light is green. And guess what? You're an adult. You get to turn left because there's no traffic coming. Please join me in driving through those. And please do not think I'm exaggerating when I say drive through every single one of them every single time. And I've never gotten a ticket, never. So do it with me, America. Please ignore those. Gabriel? Yes. Drew, I'm going on, I'm going on year what with driving through those things?

56:05 Drew Oh, no. Five, maybe?

56:07 Adam Four or five. I started when we were over in our other place. Culver City got me started with those things. Every day, every night, every one. Never gotten a ticket.

56:16 Drew Now mind you, you've gone beyond the, pretending it's a green light to screeching around the line of cars who are waiting to turn left.

56:23 Adam Cars? I call them lemmings.

56:25 Drew Lemmings, the lemmings in metal vehicles.

56:27 Adam Who are just waiting. Just sitting in their metal coffins, waiting, just praying to die. I go right around that whole loop of them. And here's my promise to you people, one day when I get that ticket, I'm going to fight it.

56:39 Drew Good.

56:40 Adam And I will win.

56:41 Drew What's up, Gabriel?

56:42 Adam Thank you.

56:43 Drew 21.

56:43 Oh, nothing. Hey, how's it going?

56:45 Adam Good.

56:46 Right on. Hey, before I get started, Adam.

56:49 Adam We're all lost a little momentum with that.

56:52 Caller What's up?

56:54 Nothing. I just had a question for y'all. It seems that I've been having problems since, I don't know, God, high school with with initiating any sort of relationship. And then, you know, the few times I've managed to do anything meaningful, it always seems to end like badly.

57:11 Drew What do you mean? Give us an example. Tell us the last one that ended badly. What happened?

57:15 Well, the last girl that I dated was a borderline, if not full-blown alcoholic. So that kind of had to end before things got out of hand. But basically that's kind of how it goes for me.

57:28 Adam When chicks are alcoholics too, they're messes. They're sloppy messes.

57:32 Drew So you only are attracted to addict or alcoholic women?

57:35 Well, I'm not sure. My father is a recovering alcoholic, as well as my grandfather. My other grandfather actually died of a cirrhosis.

57:45 Drew So you understand that that kind of person is something you're very attracted to, right?

57:51 Yeah. Well, I figure there is probably some underlying sort of attraction there that I either didn't want to come to terms with or I was just kind of ignoring.

58:00 Drew So you haven't answered my question yet. Is the problem that you tend to be attracted to women who have addiction and drug problems?

58:07 Well, not necessarily addiction.

58:09 Drew All right. Then give me an example of one where that wasn't the case and how did that one end?

58:14 Well, relationships that are doomed to fail, like one of them, I'm pretty sure, was like a borderline bipolar, kind of like a really manic girl with a...

58:23 Adam Hey, hey, Gabe.

58:24 Yes?

58:25 Adam Listen, you're 21. Right? It's always a disaster, 21.

58:31 Drew But here's the deal. There's only one variable in this that's fixed and that's you. And you're telling me over and again here that you are attracted to women who have psychiatric problems. That's all you're saying. So of course they're gonna end badly because it's gonna be a chaotic, disturbed relationship. That's where people act out their crazinesses in relationship.

58:47 Adam Can you be a fixed variable?

58:49 Drew The only thing that's not a variable is you. Let's put it that way.

58:51 Adam Thank you.

58:52 Drew Yes.

58:52 Adam All right, Gabe. So take a long look in the mirror and then blame others.

58:56 Drew Maybe some Alan on for you, you know, if you really want to.

58:59 Adam Here's the thing. You're smart. You're 21. You're asking the right questions. You'll be fine. You'll start to sniff it out early. You'll figure it out.

59:08 Caller It just seems like I have this really big self-esteem problem with like, I guess what you would consider like a normal, like a healthy kind of girl, you know, with the regular tendencies.

59:17 Drew Right. It makes you feel funny, but you got to get over that and take yourself in and have some relationships with people who are not disturbed. See how that feels.

59:25 Adam Yeah.

59:25 Drew If you can't handle that, then that's Alan on or therapy.

59:28 Adam Yeah. I really do think chicks are worse alcoholics than guys.

59:36 Drew They get more liver disease than men, like five times more likely to get cirrhosis.

59:39 Adam Really? Yeah. I'm talking about their personalities. You know what I mean? It depends.

59:47 Drew There's a frequent happy male drunk.

59:49 Adam That's what I like. That's what I like.

59:50 Drew Yeah. That's you.

59:52 Adam Or there's guys like Anderson who just retreat into a world of pornography and late nights. You never know about it. You know what I mean?

59:59 Drew Right.

1:00:00 Adam He's just going to sit around and listen to Iggy Pop on his headphones till five in the morning and drink schnapps and beat off. It's not going to be. It's not going to impact your life.

1:00:08 Drew Quite an image.

1:00:09 Adam It's not going to negatively.

1:00:11 Drew You know, big film scroller.

1:00:13 Adam Yeah, he's not he's not going to show up at a party and get all weird and sloppy and confront your boss. You know, not come to a Christmas party and get weird on everybody.

1:00:21 Drew No, no.

1:00:22 Adam Chick can do that. Yeah, she can get out of control.

1:00:25 Drew Yes. Remember the Godfather II with the was the brother who gets killed eventually. His wife flipping out the party.

1:00:34 Adam Yeah. Drew's got a friend that, mm hmm.

1:00:38 Drew What's that one?

1:00:39 Adam I remember going to one of your birthday parties in Vegas. There was a gal likes to tilt the field.

1:00:44 Drew They have a little freaked out about it was her. I don't remember this. Who was it?

1:00:48 Adam You know, you know what I'm talking about.

1:00:49 Drew Okay.

1:00:50 Adam And during the break, during the break, during the break, during the break.

1:00:53 Drew Oh, oh, oh.

1:00:54 Adam Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a couple, yeah, the ass. Hi, how are you? There's, yeah, there's women who will freak on your ass and they'll do it in public. That's their whole thing. Guys will fight, guys will get, guys will do their thing, but they'll sit home and drink and be surly and weird. Yeah. Chicks will drink out and screw with you in public. You've got to watch out for that.

1:01:21 Drew No happy female drunks, there's happy male drunks. You know what I mean? Guys get nicer.

1:01:26 Adam Well, here's the thing about the female drunks is they will pass through happy, but they sprint through it.

1:01:34 Drew Yeah.

1:01:35 Adam They sprint. See, that's the thing. It's like somewhere between their fourth and fifth, somewhere between the third and fifth Manhattan. They're like, you know what? You've always, you know, you've got a lot of personality. And then somebody goes, and then it gets into weird, revealing weird stuff.

1:01:52 Drew Then everything that start taking issue with it, it becomes like a, they start getting confrontational and then they get sloppy.

1:01:58 Adam And then they, then there's the ones that start, interesting, start revealing, start revealing stuff. He cried. He cried like a baby when his mom said he was cut out of will.

1:02:10 Drew They'll start telling you stuff about your friends and things.

1:02:12 Adam And about you and no, no, more, more, more so you to your friends.

1:02:16 Drew Right, right.

1:02:18 Adam Yeah.

1:02:18 Drew Yeah.

1:02:19 Adam Yeah. Watch out for them. Monica.

1:02:23 Caller Hi, Adam.

1:02:24 Adam 24. What's up?

1:02:26 Caller What's up?

1:02:27 Adam Yeah, you're lucid, baby. That's what I like.

1:02:30 Oh, wow.

1:02:31 Caller Oh, thanks.

1:02:33 Drew What's going on?

1:02:34 Yeah.

1:02:35 Caller Yes, I do.

1:02:36 I do love the show. And I am lucid. Monica, I'm 24. Lucid. What do you mean by that?

1:02:43 Adam We hear you're smart. Well, we were smart. They didn't know what lucid meant. No, I mean, I just mean you're you're awake.

1:02:51 Drew Yes.

1:02:52 OK, I am awake. I do. I listen to the show a lot. I'm kind of excited to be talking to you guys.

1:02:58 Adam But thank you.

1:02:58 Caller Here's the thing.

1:03:00 I'm young, I'm single, I'm having a lot of fun. You know, like I'm 23, I'll be 24 in a couple of months. And I'm doing really well for myself. I'm like a realtor in in the Bay Area in California.

1:03:12 Caller And I'm having like.

1:03:15 Drew Oh, Monica, you said the F word, though, on there, what you did say. Can't believe. Oh, if I can't believe I said that on the air.

1:03:24 Adam That's ironic use of the F word.

1:03:25 Drew Oh, my God.

1:03:27 Adam So.

1:03:27 Drew Oh, well. All right.

1:03:29 Adam So our first thing was is she was going to go. She was going to explain that she was going to go on to tell that she, you know, manned the glory hole at the county fair.

1:03:40 Drew And now she she identified too much about herself. Yeah.

1:03:45 Adam OK. Monica, we erased all that stuff that you said, especially the F word part. Yeah. So go ahead.

1:03:52 OK. So I go out and I party and I and I date guys and I don't really have anything exclusive. And when I do that, I seem to have a good, good kind of guy and you're not so that whenever I settle down and have something like serious and which I don't do too often. But when I do try to do that, it ends in like a couple of weeks because for some reason, the guys that I want to settle down with and they all seem like losers. They're like the guys that would be really bad for me. The ones that just have like no jobs, no car, really not anything going on.

1:04:26 Drew All right. Here's the deal. For one thing, the good news is you don't force the relationships you do end them in two weeks. That's a very good sign. So even though you still are into this bad boy phase and you're about two or three years sort of delinquent on this one. You should have been over that a couple of years ago. But you're going through this. That's fine. It's fine. But the fact that you do it.

1:04:47 Caller I was like with somebody like exclusively from like 18 to 22 and maybe I.

1:04:51 Drew All right.

1:04:52 Caller You didn't go through it.

1:04:53 Drew Yes. You're just going through it now. It's fine. That's where your delinquency came from is that you were held up in this other relationship.

1:05:00 Caller So some of my friends told me that I want to have sex too much and like I'm asking too much out of these these guy like if I'm with somebody and I'm not I'm not getting it like all the time. Thanks to one of my friends for that.

1:05:12 Caller I asked for it too much like hold on a second.

1:05:15 Drew How often did you have sex when you were in that monogamous relationship?

1:05:19 Caller In the beginning it was.

1:05:23 Caller Yeah.

1:05:23 Adam Forget about the beginning.

1:05:24 Caller Well, towards the end, I started shutting it down. I didn't.

1:05:28 Drew Okay.

1:05:29 Caller Yeah.

1:05:29 Drew Okay. Hold on a second.

1:05:30 Adam Let me.

1:05:31 Drew I like Monica.

1:05:32 Adam No, I like Monica too. But let me just say this. It's like if we're saying to a ball player, Oh, you played major league ball. What was your batting average? One time I hit a home run.

1:05:42 Drew Right.

1:05:43 Adam Yeah.

1:05:43 Drew Right. Right.

1:05:44 Adam We understand. Got that part. Looking for the average.

1:05:46 Drew Yeah.

1:05:47 Adam That's why we're asking for the average. We know there are times when you got in eight or ten sessions and four of them were on the kitchen floor. But average.

1:05:58 Caller What's that?

1:05:58 Drew So, Monica, what are you asking from these guys you date now?

1:06:02 Caller Well.

1:06:04 Drew Daily, right?

1:06:05 Caller I want to leave every other day.

1:06:07 Drew Okay, that's fine. That's you. That's fine. You weren't sexually abused. That's fine. You weren't sexually or physically abused?

1:06:14 Caller No, not really. There was like a minimal.

1:06:17 Caller Uh-oh, everybody says that.

1:06:19 Caller But I swear like everybody that I talked to really had it. It really wasn't that big of a deal. It was pretty much.

1:06:24 Adam Slow down, slow down. Let me, let me hold on a second. I'll put it on hold. Let me explain something. When dumb people start talking fast, yeah, the F word pops up.

1:06:35 Drew Oh, yes. You want to slow it down a bit.

1:06:36 Adam I'm trying to, it starts.

1:06:37 Drew She's not that dumb.

1:06:38 Adam She just. No, a little bit though.

1:06:42 Drew To say, oh F, I can't believe I said that on the radio.

1:06:45 Adam All I'm saying is, is I'm scared.

1:06:48 Drew You're worried.

1:06:48 Adam You're worried.

1:06:49 Drew And I don't know her well enough to know.

1:06:50 Adam I feel like, I feel, I feel like when you step out off the trolley before it comes to a stop and you think you can keep up, but you take two steps and then you go ass over tea cattle, that's what I'm worried about with Monica and the profanity here. So, Monica, don't speak too, too fast. Okay. Okay.

1:07:10 Drew Okay. So what happened to you with the sexual abuse?

1:07:12 Adam Drew, you don't have to talk slowly unless you think you're going to drop like the n-bomb.

1:07:18 Drew Go ahead. So what happened to the sexual abuse here with you?

1:07:26 Caller Is it something that we're going to record? I don't know if I want this broadcasted.

1:07:29 Adam Well, Drew and I will analyze the tape on the record.

1:07:32 Caller But you know.

1:07:33 Drew All right, look.

1:07:34 Adam So some happened. Let's just go ahead and say something happened.

1:07:38 Drew And that's where-

1:07:38 Caller I don't know if I have a problem talking about you, but we don't need to broadcast.

1:07:42 Drew Well, the deal is-

1:07:43 Adam You don't need it to broadcast. We need to broadcast it because we do a radio show.

1:07:47 Caller Okay.

1:07:48 Drew Yeah. And here's the deal. If you are sexually compulsive or addicted, that's where that comes from. And so it may have a very significant impact on you. How old were you when it happened?

1:07:57 Adam Oh, Drew, you don't have to broadcast it. Come on, buddy.

1:08:01 Caller Okay. Okay. Okay. I would say probably like six.

1:08:07 Drew Yeah. All right. So although you believe you've dealt with it, it can affect the way your brain develops. So get a little help. You might be something to look into and it might have something to do with why you're sort of stuck in the cycle of going with the A-holes. I don't get that sense from you, frankly. It doesn't feel like that to me, but that's not a reliable way to sort of assess these things.

1:08:25 Caller I don't say don't attract other guys.

1:08:27 Drew I know you're in the bad guy. You're in the bad guy phase. And here's what one of the things that commonly happens with your history is you have some sort of sexual abuse or some bad sexual experience. You start associating sexuality with a sort of walled off bad piece of yourself. And so the only way you can experience that full sexual part of yourself is with bad guys, because it's a bad part of you. So the only way to have that is with a bad person. Otherwise it feels too uncomfortable and dirty. And so you keep going with the bad guys because that feels more satisfied. You're smart enough to know these are bad guys. You get out of the relationships in a couple of weeks. But if you can't tolerate being with somebody worthwhile, that's the time for therapy.

1:09:05 Adam All right. Drew, I was just thinking, as I was kicking the crap out of this crappy city here. You came back from Vegas this morning.

1:09:17 Drew Yeah.

1:09:18 Adam The McCarran Airport over in Vegas is now, last time I was there was two hours worth of security line.

1:09:25 Drew Yeah. It used to be such a great airport.

1:09:26 Adam It used to be great. And a couple of things. I know it's been brought up before, but the terrorists have won. I mean, your shoes are off, your belt's off, you got a guy putting a probe up your ass. And you're now officially longer in the airport than you are in the air.

1:09:44 Drew Hang on, should we give Monica the directs pack real quick for you? Lose her? Monica?

1:09:49 Adam Yeah, hang on.

1:09:50 Drew Stay there.

1:09:51 Adam Hang on.

1:09:51 Drew Stay there, we're gonna need a directs pack. Hold on.

1:09:53 Adam Yeah, the flight from Vegas to Los Angeles is 47 minutes. The security at the Vegas airport is an hour and 47 minutes.

1:10:02 Drew Oh yeah, easily.

1:10:03 Adam So, game over.

1:10:04 Drew Drive.

1:10:05 Adam We've lost.

1:10:06 Drew Yeah.

1:10:06 Adam As far as the terrorists go.

1:10:08 Drew Get that fast train going.

1:10:09 Adam It costs, I think they call it a bullet train.

1:10:11 Drew Bullet train.

1:10:12 Adam Although it is faster, you're right, but I think that's how a child would describe it.

1:10:14 Drew You know what they call the fast train in France?

1:10:16 Adam The what?

1:10:17 Drew The very fast train.

1:10:18 Adam Really?

1:10:19 Drew Yes, that's what it's called.

1:10:20 Adam Yeah, it's not very creative. It's like the Mexicans with the chupacabra.

1:10:23 Drew Yeah.

1:10:24 Adam Sounds good to us. It means goat sucker, goat blood sucker. You guys couldn't do better than that? But here's the thing. Yeah, let's get that bullet train going. Let's get that bullet train going from LA to Vegas. And then it made me just realize from the freeways to the bullet train to whatever. Do we have anything? Does anything work?

1:10:44 Drew Here in LA.?

1:10:45 Adam Yeah.

1:10:45 Drew Infrastructure-wise?

1:10:46 Adam Yeah. Is there anything that's really worth it and add?

1:10:48 Drew It really is time for us to redo it. It's time. And we have to figure it out with $5 gallon gas.

1:10:54 Adam Here's a question. What do you mean redo? It doesn't seem to be anything.

1:10:58 Drew Redo in the sense that it was good in 1947. It's a redo in 60 years later.

1:11:03 Adam It doesn't seem like other cities have waterfronts and monorails and museums and things like that. Then LA just seems to be as a couple. But no trains, no monorails, no...

1:11:17 Drew We need all that.

1:11:18 Adam No bullet trains. It seems like we should have something. It seems like every man for himself here and there's really nothing going on.

1:11:25 Drew At least like a bullet train to a new airport somewhere. You know what I mean?

1:11:29 Adam Yeah. Just something.

1:11:30 Drew Yeah.

1:11:30 Adam Something you could use.

1:11:31 Drew To alleviate the congestion.

1:11:32 Adam Yeah. Instead of just making your way through potholes.

1:11:35 Drew Yeah.

1:11:35 Adam Isn't there something? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's take ourselves a little break.

1:11:40 Drew Give Monica the directs pack.

1:11:42 Adam Please. We'll be right back after this.

1:11:45 Caller 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1.

1:11:47 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:11:55 Adam Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. My main man, David Alan Greer, is going to be in here doing a little host and work for me on Wednesday because I'm doing Letterman and it's only been seven years.

1:12:17 Drew Wonder if you'll find out why. Why it's been seven years.

1:12:21 Adam I highly doubt that.

1:12:22 Drew I do too.

1:12:23 Adam I highly, highly doubt that. Although to be fair to the Letterman people, about three years ago, they asked me if I wanted to come on on a certain date and I wasn't in town or something.

1:12:37 Drew Oh, there you go.

1:12:38 Adam Yeah. But there was no like, well then, no, he was going to be out of town that week, how about the following week? That's three weeks, three years ago. Funny thing is, is I was rummaging around some papers and stuff going through some old stuff, looking for some stuff for this TLC show. And I came across the letter from them.

1:12:58 Drew Thank you.

1:12:58 Adam Where my name was misspelled, actually. Of course. Although I didn't notice it. Someone had to point out to me. Thanking me for a great appearance seven years ago. And seeing, you know, hope we're going to see you soon.

1:13:08 Drew Enjoy.

1:13:09 Adam Enjoy. All right. Let's talk to Adrian, who's 19. Adrian.

1:13:17 Caller Hi.

1:13:18 Adam What's up?

1:13:19 Caller Um, hold on.

1:13:21 Drew Adam has to talk.

1:13:24 Adam I was visiting my grandmother this weekend.

1:13:26 Caller Yeah.

1:13:27 Adam And I think I had a couple of good conversations with my family members regarding Letterman because my dad, my dad said, it's my dad's birthday tomorrow, I think.

1:13:40 Drew So once I remembered there was yesterday.

1:13:42 Adam Yeah. Oh, I've been with you for 10 years. Never made that connection. I don't know where my dad's birthday is. He calls me a couple of days in advance and gives me a heads up. Yeah. Um, I want to do something. I said, I'm going to be in New York. I'm doing Letterman. He said, how does that work? I mean, how do you get on that show? I said, well, here's how it works. Basically, there's, you know, there's two, two sets of people. There's the people that Letterman goes after. And then there's the people who want to be on Letterman, who have their people try to get their clients on Letterman. And those people without a, without a, without a pause, he said, who do you have? Who's your people?

1:14:24 Drew Who do you have trying to get you in?

1:14:26 Adam Who's lobbying for you? I of course could not be in the group that they were trying to get on the show. I of course had to be in the lobby group. It was immediately, it wasn't, it wasn't an ironic question. It wasn't a put down. It was just immediately, it was like, okay, who's, so there's some people Letterman wants, and then there's other people that want to go on.

1:14:43 Drew That's you.

1:14:43 Adam Who's, who's, who's doing your bidding?

1:14:45 Drew Yeah.

1:14:45 Adam Yeah, that was funny. And then I explained to him, I'd been on the show before. Oh.

1:14:50 Drew You didn't know.

1:14:51 Adam That a fact. Yeah. All right. All right. Then when I, when I told my grandmother I was doing Letterman, she wanted to know what I was doing over there. I said, well, I think she, when I told my grandmother I was doing Letterman, I thought she, she thought I was putting a coat of carnauba wax on his vet or something.

1:15:08 Drew Or you'd be in the audience or something.

1:15:09 Adam Yeah, I'd be in the audience. My family, it's always, it's always a sort of weird, lowest common denominator.

1:15:15 Drew What did she say? That was funny. What did she say?

1:15:17 Adam I said, she said, like, well, we, you know, we'll get together during the week or something. I said, I am going to New York. I'm going to do Letterman during the week. And she said, well, what are you, what are you doing? What is he going to have you do essentially? Cause like Kirk Douglas would be a guest, not, not, not my grandson, right? Not the guy who put the kitchen on, on my house in 1985.

1:15:44 Drew He redid your dining room.

1:15:45 Adam Yeah, redid the dining room. Yeah. No, it wouldn't, wouldn't be, is I wanted to know what I was doing.

1:15:49 Drew What'd you say?

1:15:51 Adam I said, I'm a guest on the show. Oh, okay. I just, I didn't know. I figured you would. I should be, I should be insulted perhaps.

1:16:02 Drew Well, we got a conversation for the way home.

1:16:03 Adam Yeah. The point is, is I don't know how you interpret, I'm doing the show. But she meant, I was like, going over there to work is a grip.

1:16:12 Drew Right, right.

1:16:12 Adam Or something actually, I mean, it would have, if I said, look, I'm just doing a little Finnish carpentry over there. I'm going to put down some baseboard, put up some casing, and then I'm flying back to LA. I'm just doing it two days. I think she would have been fine with that, even if I was kidding. No further questions after that. What are you doing on the show? Best boy. Yeah, go ahead, Adrienne.

1:16:35 Caller I wasn't sure if you guys are still talking to myself.

1:16:38 Adam We are.

1:16:38 Drew Don't worry. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Adrienne.

1:16:41 Adam No, no, that wasn't sarcastic.

1:16:42 Drew Okay.

1:16:43 Adam All right, Adrienne, go ahead, baby.

1:16:45 Caller Well, half the time I have sex, I have like a weird uncomfortableness. Like it feels like I'm going to poo, or like the bottom part of my stomach hurts, and I don't know what that can do.

1:16:55 Adam But anything ever happen? I mean, does anything ever come out of you?

1:16:59 Caller No, it just is uncomfortable.

1:17:02 Adam It just feels uncomfortable.

1:17:03 Caller Yeah, it doesn't really get me to feel like I'm...

1:17:06 Drew What was that?

1:17:07 Adam Bad phone line. Just feeling like you're going to poo, can that be gassy, Drew? Is that gassy?

1:17:11 Drew It can be. Do you have irritable bowel, Adrienne?

1:17:14 Caller No, I've never been diagnosed with it, and I go out for regular pap smears, so...

1:17:18 Drew No, no, no, this is back to your bowel. We're talking about the bowel. Do your bowels otherwise function normally?

1:17:23 Caller Yeah, yeah.

1:17:24 Drew Are you on a medication? Do you feel things moving around in there, or is it just sort of a feeling at the bottom?

1:17:33 Caller It's just a feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

1:17:35 Caller Sometimes it feels like there's stuff moving around, but it never surfaces or anything like that.

1:17:42 Drew Or as my sons say, prairie dogs.

1:17:44 Adam Yeah, it doesn't rear its ugly head.

1:17:46 Drew Yeah, that's right.

1:17:47 Caller Yeah, do you? Prairie dog.

1:17:50 Adam Yeah, it's. You know, let me just say this about poo. There needs to be something else you do in the bathroom besides make.

1:18:01 Drew Why?

1:18:02 Adam I'll tell you why, because I was on some conference call this morning with like 12 people. One of those things you call in to literally 10 or 12 people on their line. All of a sudden it hit me like it was one of the things where I drank three cups of coffee. It's time.

1:18:16 Drew Yeah.

1:18:17 Adam So I went and plopped my ass down on the toilet in the middle of this conference call.

1:18:20 Drew You're talking executives from Comedy Central. Right. Right.

1:18:23 Adam Now here's what I do. So what do I do? Well, I just run some sink water. So I have a constant flow of sink water going so I can try to take my dump discreetly because I have this sink running in the background. But then you must think like, what is, what's the guy do? Go into the bathroom, just turn the sink on and stand there staring at the water go down the drain.

1:18:41 Drew You can always just say it's a washing machine or something.

1:18:43 Adam What's with the uninterrupted flow of water? And then you get the whole acoustic thing with the tile. I mean, we hear it clearly when someone goes into the bathroom, it sounds completely different than the bathroom you've got at that point. I was in a smaller one. I couldn't even make it to that bathroom. Here's my point. I sound like I'm calling from a phone booth or something. Well, it's really the inside of an EKG, or the, not the electric car, MRI thing. It's echoing all those places. There's an uninterrupted flow of water going down a drain. Now, if there was something else you could do in the bathroom, it would be nice. You know what I mean? Like, I'm in the bathroom. What are you doing? Dropping a duke? No, no. I'm working on my computer.

1:19:25 Drew Right. Put your computers in the bathroom.

1:19:28 Adam And then this move. This is the one that kills me. Now, I take the huge dump. I got the water running in there. But of course, I can't flush a toilet. Now, I do try and run to flush it with my leg by hanging my foot. Now, let me show you around the corner. Yeah, do that thing. It's like I can open the door from here, right? Just take the foot and just kick. Just, you know, just like that run. I swear to God, the toilet makes the flushing sound before I hit the lever. Somehow.

1:19:56 Drew You know what I mean?

1:19:57 Adam Like, the lever moves down a sixteenth of an inch.

1:20:00 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:20:01 Adam Like, couldn't it at least wait till it got to the bottom before it exploded?

1:20:04 Drew So you could finish the pull down and run.

1:20:07 Adam Just give me...

1:20:09 Drew Yeah.

1:20:09 Adam Here's all I want. All I want is grenade time. You know what I mean?

1:20:13 Drew Yes, yes.

1:20:13 Adam Like, when you pull the pin on the grenade, here's all you would need. Here's all you need.

1:20:17 Drew Oh, invention. Invention.

1:20:18 Adam I've already worked on it.

1:20:19 Drew Toilet timer.

1:20:20 Adam Here's all you need. Here's all you need. You flush the handle. Boom. Flush the handle, right? One Mississippi.

1:20:26 Drew Yeah.

1:20:26 Adam Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. Done.

1:20:29 Drew Yeah.

1:20:29 Adam Three Mississippi. I'm down the hall.

1:20:31 Drew How about one Mississippi?

1:20:32 Adam One Mississippi.

1:20:33 Drew That's it.

1:20:34 Adam I am down in another part of the house.

1:20:36 Drew Maybe you ought to get those sensors that they have at the airport.

1:20:38 Adam That I need. I need something because then here's what inevitably happens. Don't flush. Now I forget about it. Now I've got another 40 minutes on a useless conference call. And now it's in to watch some TV and then the scream from the bathroom an hour and a half later. What? What are you doing? Why don't you? We gotta get it. You know, it's like, all right.

1:21:01 Caller Oh, Adam.

1:21:02 Adam Why can't you? You know what? I'm not so sure. I couldn't have to play stupid.

1:21:10 Caller I don't think.

1:21:11 Drew I got a call.

1:21:12 Adam I don't think that was me. Really? There's only two of us who live in the house.

1:21:16 Drew The dog did it.

1:21:16 Adam What do we could? Shmo, Molly's, you know, she's smart. I'll tell you what. She's seen me do it before. She may have just.

1:21:24 Drew Let's not pack pack animals.

1:21:27 Adam That's that judge. Let's just monitor at this point. Yeah. If I could just get a one, just one, just one Mississippi, get you, get you 10 feet away.

1:21:37 Drew That's all I need.

1:21:39 Adam Toilet timer invention. I would pay one million dollars for that one million dollars and you could have a toilet seat. It could be nails on the toilet. I would say I would still buy it. Just just nails poking up like a yogi's bed. I would still buy that toilet. Adrian.

1:21:55 Caller Yeah.

1:21:55 Drew All right. So if you don't have your old bowel, you feel like poet. Do you tend to be constipated?

1:22:01 Caller No, actually.

1:22:02 Caller I used to have a little more, but I started eating better and started going away.

1:22:05 Drew So it may still be some of that left behind. And that more than anything is probably what's going to get. It's maybe also irritable bowel syndrome. I wouldn't worry about it then. All right.

1:22:15 Adam Yeah, you're good, baby. What about something? How about a little beano before?

1:22:21 Drew Because you don't have more gas, do you, afterwards? Or do you?

1:22:23 Caller No, no.

1:22:24 Adam How about something just to sort of say you did it, though, just for your mind?

1:22:28 Drew Metamucil, that kind of thing.

1:22:30 Adam When you say bulk, is that what you mean?

1:22:31 Drew Yeah, you mean like bran, metamucil, that kind of thing.

1:22:35 Adam But when you say bulk, you don't mean cereal, or do you mean cereal?

1:22:39 Drew Bran, bran is bulk. Don't mean cereal is necessarily, but bran is bulk. Fiber, fiber.

1:22:43 Adam Fiber. And then, how about roughage?

1:22:47 Drew Roughage is okay, sometimes.

1:22:48 Adam Better to have fiber.

1:22:49 Drew Fiber, yeah.

1:22:50 Adam Yeah, all right.

1:22:51 Drew Well, the roughage can go against some people.

1:22:53 Adam Really? Celery, roughage.

1:22:55 Drew Roughage.

1:22:56 Adam And whole grain, bulk?

1:23:00 Drew Tending towards bulk, yeah.

1:23:02 Adam What would be like corn husk? What would be the... Yeah. Yeah.

1:23:06 Drew So it's psyllium husk and brand.

1:23:08 Adam Okay. All right, we'll take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back after this. Loveline.

1:23:16 Caller Okay, wait, wait.

1:23:18 Caller My hair, my hair.

1:23:19 Adam We'll be right back. Yeah, Loveline. Tell you what, gotta get it on. Must get it on. Mandate to get it on.

1:23:37 Drew Yes? That's the mandate.

1:23:38 Adam That's the mandate. Let's keep on keeping on here, Drew, and talk to Sam. Sam?

1:23:45 Caller Yes.

1:23:46 Adam Sam the chick. Yeah, I like that.

1:23:49 Caller Right on.

1:23:50 Adam Yeah, what's up?

1:23:52 Caller My question is, and, Sam, hold on.

1:23:54 Adam You know the thing about me, Drew?

1:23:56 Drew You like talking when our listeners are trying to talk?

1:24:00 Adam You know what else, though? No matter how many times I see in parentheses.

1:24:04 Drew Female.

1:24:05 Adam The F for female when it says Sam. I'm always surprised, and it doesn't matter what the name is. Right. This never registers to me, even though it's one quarter inch away from the Sam, and even though we've had this system in place for nine and a half years.

1:24:19 Drew And even though I mentioned it was going to be a female as we went in to talk to her.

1:24:23 Adam Oh, really? Well, now, that's not like me. I'm a verbal cues I'm fine with normally.

1:24:28 Drew Auditory.

1:24:28 Adam It's this part. Yeah. Go ahead, Sam.

1:24:33 Caller All right. I had a PAP smear and STD testing in January. I tested positive for herpes. I did go in with a cold sore on my lip.

1:24:45 Adam I thought you were going to say positive attitude.

1:24:48 Drew Yeah.

1:24:50 Caller And I took a blood test and everything came back fine except for the herpes. And I've never had an outbreak or any kind of-

1:24:58 Drew Well, now hold on a second. You were having an outbreak on your mouth. Right.

1:25:02 Caller That's what my question is. Could it have been from that?

1:25:06 Drew Absolutely. The blood tests are fairly worthless.

1:25:09 Adam The genital? Is she talking about genital? What does she mean?

1:25:12 Drew They test for herpes one and two and either can appear in both places, in the mouth and the genitalia. There really isn't the kind of distinction that historically was there 10, 20 years ago.

1:25:21 Adam There isn't.

1:25:22 Drew They appear in both places. The blood tests are really only confirmatory when you have high suspicion clinically. You had nothing. So the test becomes sort of like, well, why'd they do it? It's not a screening test.

1:25:34 Adam Well, she said she had a cold sore.

1:25:36 Drew Yeah, but they weren't testing for the cause. She's the one making the connection with the cold sore.

1:25:39 Adam I see.

1:25:40 Drew So Sam, yes, you had it in your mouth. You've not had it in the genitalia to this point. If you do get any kind of cold sores or pelvic pain, that sort of thing, get herpes viral culture. That's the only way you can really nail that down.

1:25:53 Adam There was a guy who used to date a female friend of ours many years ago who had a bad toupee, and he also had herpes.

1:26:06 Drew Nice.

1:26:06 Adam Good combo. We used to call him Hairpiece Simplex.

1:26:10 Drew Nice.

1:26:11 Adam Well done. I always got a kick out. I didn't come up with it, but that's what you get when you hang out with improv guys.

1:26:17 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:26:18 Adam Yeah. I think that was my buddy Mark, Hairpiece Simplex. I always loved that way.

1:26:23 Drew See the Captain Ned Hebe also?

1:26:26 Adam Yeah. Different guy, but just as funny. Sarah?

1:26:30 Caller Hi. Wow.

1:26:31 Adam Thanks, baby. Hold on one second. I feel bad for Teresa. She's been on hold for 30 minutes. She wants to know what's all about.

1:26:38 Drew It's 50 minutes.

1:26:39 Adam She may not be as hot as Teresa. Sarah, hang on one second. Teresa?

1:26:44 Caller Hi, guys.

1:26:44 Adam How are you doing? Good, baby doll. You want to know what to look for in a good therapist?

1:26:49 Caller Well, I guess I just kind of phrased it wrong.

1:26:52 Caller I want to make sure that therapy is even going to work for me.

1:26:55 Caller I'm kind of at the point where I just think that I'm screwed up and I'm going to be screwed up forever. So I'm just kind of hoping that you can give me some hope that I'm going to be OK if I go into therapy.

1:27:05 Drew Do you have a diagnosis?

1:27:07 Caller Not really.

1:27:09 Caller The last time I was in therapy, I was like 13.

1:27:11 Drew Well, why don't you go see a psychiatrist first, get a diagnosis. If you really want to know if psychotherapy is appropriate, that before you have a treatment, you have to have a diagnosis.

1:27:21 Adam Yeah. What happened to you? Anything?

1:27:24 Caller Well, yeah.

1:27:25 Caller I was pretty much molested by like every male role model that came into my life, up to like six.

1:27:32 Adam Okay. Well, look, here's the thing, Teresa. I don't think you're ever going to live life like a person that was never molested, just like somebody who got hit by a car when they were five, can never really live their life like someone who never got hit by a car, or never fill in the blank. We all have our crosses to bear. That doesn't mean you can't have a good life.

1:27:56 Drew You can't be treated and can't be helped.

1:27:58 Adam I think when people get into this game where can you ever undo it? Well, the answer is no unless you can build a time machine.

1:28:06 Caller Yeah.

1:28:07 Adam You can't ever undo it. Does that mean you can't have a relationship, can't have a family, can't have a life? No. You just have to work a little bit.

1:28:15 Drew Yeah.

1:28:15 Caller Okay. I guess my second part would be, what would make a good therapist in this particular situation? Should I say that or-

1:28:23 Adam Anyone who doesn't molest you.

1:28:25 Drew Yeah, it's true. Someone you don't like would be a good therapist. Somebody you feel bored with, unhappy with, don't want to stay around.

1:28:31 Adam Good question, guy or girl?

1:28:32 Drew I think guy is the way to go. But here's the deal. You have a doctor? Well, hang on.

1:28:36 Adam Just because that's where the difficulty is in the creating the relationship.

1:28:42 Drew Do you have a doctor right now?

1:28:45 Caller A regular medical doctor.

1:28:47 Adam Okay.

1:28:47 Drew You ask that person for a good psychiatrist, get a psychiatric workup, get a diagnosis, and then ask that doctor for a therapist to hear she works with you.

1:28:55 Adam Yeah. All right.

1:28:56 Drew That's what you do.

1:28:56 Adam All right. You're not damaged good. Sarah?

1:28:59 Drew You are, but you can be free.

1:29:01 Adam Well, you got a dent, but you can put that side against the wall where you won't see it.

1:29:05 Drew Don't put that bondo in there. Sarah, what's up?

1:29:10 Caller I want to say how much I love you. I've been listening to you guys for seven years, and I record your show every single night. Wow.

1:29:18 Adam Thank you.

1:29:20 Caller I try and turn everyone onto your show as much as possible. You guys have taught me more than all of the teachers I've had in my life combined. Wow.

1:29:29 Adam Thank you very much for that compliment.

1:29:31 Caller I love you. Adam, if I could make you a pie, like I can make one damn good apple pie.

1:29:39 Adam Oh, really?

1:29:40 Caller If I could bring it in with some fresh ice cream and all that, I would do it in a heartbeat and it would make my life.

1:29:48 Adam All right. I'll eat it. I'll eat it. You know what? Let me tell you this. You wouldn't even have to eat it. Like I wouldn't be one of those things where you have to take a bite or something like that. No, I just eat it. I'd be angry actually if you ate some of it. Like, what are you doing with my pie?

1:30:01 Caller Oh yeah. It'll be so good. Hands off everyone else.

1:30:06 Adam Yeah. All right. Well, Drew will need some pie too, yeah.

1:30:09 Caller Okay. Can you set it up? Because I swear to God, I have listened to you guys for so long, it'll take my life.

1:30:17 Adam Are you multi-orgasmic?

1:30:21 Caller Yeah.

1:30:22 Adam Okay. Then we got a deal.

1:30:25 Caller Drew knows.

1:30:28 Adam Drew knows. Yeah.

1:30:30 Caller But I'm really not joking. Okay.

1:30:33 Drew What's going on?

1:30:34 Adam All right. When we put you on hold, we'll try to figure something out.

1:30:38 Drew What's going on now? What do you need from us tonight?

1:30:41 Caller Okay. Yeah. So I have this friend that's that's been going through A&M and everything. He's really addicted to heroin and and abuse. That's the drug that like alcoholics take that make them sick when they drink alcohol, right?

1:30:56 Drew There's no drug at this time that is going to fix his heroin addiction. Listen, listen, listen carefully to me. You listen carefully.

1:31:06 Adam Don't bring him with you when you bring the pot. Or I don't want to be bummed out.

1:31:09 Drew You can take him to my program if you want to.

1:31:13 Caller I'm going to have you boys all to myself. If you're not sharing the pie, I'm not sharing you boys.

1:31:25 Caller I love you so much.

1:31:26 Caller You guys are like my dads.

1:31:28 Adam Yeah, all right. But you know, on this show, the dads have sex with their daughters.

1:31:37 Caller No, well, you guys.

1:31:41 Caller That'd be surreal if we teamed you.

1:31:43 Adam While we ate your pie.

1:31:46 Drew All right, so here's the deal. There are medications that can be helpful in heroin addiction. For instance, there are opiate blocking agents that really help people stay sober while they work a program. But there's absolutely at this point really nothing that substitutes for recovery. He needs to spend at least three to six months in an intensive program, structured sober living, that sort of thing, a residential program. Something like Seroquel helps with the agitation, cravings, and irritability. There's a new medicine called Camprol. It's very effective for stimulant and alcohol cravings and drive. It's a drive disorder. And we really don't have anything else that affects the drive.

1:32:24 Adam Do you have some sort of methadone for pie? Because I'm like having a pie DT right now. I need some pie or I need something to get me off the pie.

1:32:33 Drew Don't let them get into the subutex or buprenax or buprenorphine replacement therapy. Try to get them in an abstinence based program.

1:32:39 Adam Sharon. Poor Sharon.

1:32:42 Drew Gone.

1:32:43 Adam Either gone or been on hold for too long.

1:32:45 Drew Too long to sleep.

1:32:47 Adam Yeah, but we're hearing nothing.

1:32:49 Drew I think she's gone.

1:32:50 Adam All right. I was going to suggest to Sharon that we'll put her on first tomorrow night.

1:32:54 Drew But no.

1:32:55 Adam Well, she was there.

1:32:57 Drew Yeah.

1:32:57 Adam All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:33:18 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:33:30 Adam Yeah. I mean, oh.

1:33:32 Drew Well, that's that.

1:33:33 Adam Well, that's that. We'll take ourselves a little extendo break. About 22 hours. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:33:47 Caller This has been Love Line. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, September 5, 2005