Episode 1000728771181

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:01 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:04 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

1:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:17 Adam With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Yeah, Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1-er, Dr. Drew. Board certified physician.

1:29 Blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:31 Drew Let's get right into what's in your hand there. Let's do it. Come on. You know you want to.

1:36 Oh.

1:39 Drew Get it off your chest. Come on. Here you go.

1:41 Adam You know, I'm this close to... I'm going to have a heart attack as it is, Drew.

1:45 Drew I really am. Let's get the mayor on the phone.

1:46 Adam I really am the mayor.

1:48 Drew His name's on that thing.

1:50 Adam That pussy is totally impotent, I'm sure. Could do nothing. Can't even fire up those freeway signs. Don't get me going, Drew. I got a letter from the city of Los Angeles in order to comply. And by the way, comply, obey. I'm seeing a lot of this stuff going around lately. That's, what are we in? Nazi Russia? Yeah.

2:14 Drew Some combo of Yeah. Stalin and Russia.

2:17 Adam Yeah. World's worst, world's worst country. Yeah. We're not in some sort of totalitarian regime over here. It's America, land of the free, home of the brave. Not, not outhouse of the pussies. It's just it's it. I drew I don't even know where to begin. But anyway, I had a neighbor rat me out because my hedge is too high. And now I get things and I get left, you know, in the city.

2:40 Drew Here's what kills me. What outrages me is that one of the orders to comply is to keep your property properly up, kept up. And he, Adam just went through a renovation, a piece of work of art. He restored this house like a piece of art. Yeah. And I'm outraged.

2:55 Adam Well, here's the thing about the truth. No place for it anywhere anymore.

3:00 Drew Here's anywhere.

3:00 Adam Let me explain what's happening to this country, everybody. And here's why we have to wrestle it back. We have to comply to the lowest common denominator, the nuttiest ass on the block. We all got to bend over and spread it for him because he's got a beef. No, he's nuts. He should be ignored. That's how it works. We have people calling the cops, cops show up, there's nothing going on. These people need to be punished. These are nails that are sticking up and they need to be hammered into the floorboards. Do you understand? When you're contacting the Department of Building and Safety, when you're calling the cops, when you're using basically people that are on the city payroll as your own personal police and task force, you need to be hammered. And ironically, the people that pay the least taxes do the most phone calling of these forces. It's awesome. All I do is pay millions of dollars in taxes and try to be left alone by insane people, but at all to no avail. Here's the deal. Here's the way we used to work this society. Everyone got along. And if you didn't get along, and if you got out of line or a little bit nutty, we'd yank you out of line and we'd put you somewhere. Not not hire an attorney, not settle out of court, not ask you what's on your mind. Just big hammer in the head and right back, right back into the subfloor where you goddamn belong. So here's the deal, everybody. Play nice or just move to goddamn Canada, would you? It's just we are building a society around the lowest common denominator. We, there's a warning. There's a warning label on every, on everything that exists. There's a child proofing thing on everything. Everyone has to drive as slow as the worst driver could drive fast. That's it. It's the work, it's the lowest common denominator. And we're all forced to comply. It's no different than the airport. Take your shoes off, take your belt off, step aside. We all have to get in line because there might be one person that may be harmed or want to harm us. And now we all have to pull over.

5:10 Drew Well, a lot of the pulling over too, by the way, don't forget is there might be somebody who complains about how they're treated in the pulling over process.

5:16 Adam Yes.

5:17 Drew That slows it down. That's me. I'm just talking low.

5:20 Adam Dr. Drew, into the mic, baby.

5:21 Drew That slows the whole thing down threefold.

5:23 Adam Yeah. I just, I can't even, I can't move anymore. It's just one big attorney, one big cluster aft. And here's the deal. If you're halfway sane, you got a couple of bucks in the bank and you pay your taxes, you're aft. You got nothing.

5:40 Drew Well, ask your mom. You must be the man, you're a bad guy if you've got that.

5:45 Adam Yeah, yeah.

5:46 Drew That's where that all came from in the 60s.

5:48 Adam Retarded goddamn hippies thinking that everyone that had two nickels to rub together and some health insurance was the man and needed to be stopped. Yeah, keep going everybody. Eventually we'll all just be like you. No one paying taxes, everyone just waiting around, waiting for Red Cross to drop off a shipment of ready-to-eat meals. That'll be us all just sitting on our front porch waiting for something to float by that we can eat. Yeah, join them. Idiots. Heather?

6:20 Yes?

6:21 There she is.

6:21 Hello?

6:22 Yep.

6:23 Hi.

6:23 Adam I'm telling you, I'm going to start my own cult, Drew.

6:25 Drew What's it going to be called? Boobville?

6:27 Adam No, no, Adam's cult.

6:28 Drew Oh, okay.

6:29 Adam Look at stupid.

6:30 Yeah, yeah.

6:30 Adam What am I going to name it? Jerry's cult?

6:31 Drew No, no, you're right.

6:32 Yeah.

6:33 Adam Adam's cult. Yeah.

6:34 Drew Or Johnstown.

6:35 Adam I'll start my own cult. I'm going to move us to a French Guyana. It's going to be awesome. You know, French Guyana, you got room to stretch out, you know what I'm saying? Man can breathe. Know what I mean?

6:46 Drew Right.

6:47 Adam And it starts off like any other cult, you know? I start reading scripture. I do a lot of pacing, play a little six string guitar and some harmonica.

6:55 Drew Then?

6:55 Adam Eventually, I start banging the ladies.

6:57 Drew Yeah, yeah.

6:57 Adam And then I start banging their daughters.

6:59 Drew Yeah, yeah.

6:59 Adam And it works into their sons.

7:00 Drew You got the spirit, you got the power.

7:01 Adam Yeah. Then, you know, they catch wind of it over here. They send in a few federal troops. We got a shootout situation. And I dive in a self-inflicted wound.

7:12 Drew With all your cults.

7:13 Adam Yeah.

7:14 Drew Yeah.

7:14 Yeah.

7:16 Adam Oh, yeah, yeah. No, they got to go too.

7:17 Drew Yeah, yeah.

7:18 Adam Yeah, because when we go to wherever my version of heaven is, I'm going to need to still bang their daughters. I need them to come with me.

7:24 Drew Oh my God.

7:25 Adam See what I'm saying?

7:25 Drew Yeah, of course.

7:27 Adam Yeah. You want in?

7:28 Drew No, no. I'm starting my own.

7:30 Adam You won't have to work. We don't believe in Western medicine. We believe in the Lord heals.

7:35 Drew That's a good point.

7:36 Adam And those who are suffering are being punished.

7:38 Drew Of course.

7:39 Adam So you're not going to have to do anything. Right.

7:40 Drew Because people that get ill deserve it.

7:43 Adam Well, obviously, they did something wrong. Yeah. I'm just saying, if you want in. Cool. Engineers, Michelle, you come in. We got a lesbian dorm. Thank you. Yeah. Now, here's what we're going to need.

7:55 Drew You need to round them up, though, for the.

7:57 Well, hold on, Drew.

7:58 Adam I'm trying to be trying to be sort of fair minded about this. I know you like the ladies. I'm not going to, you know, repulse you by, you know, forcing myself on you. I mean, physically, I am going to need to put my seed in you one way or another. Gonna need to crank out some girls, if that's possible. And then I can go ahead and have past them say around their 13th birthday. All right? Again, you'll have your partner, you know.

8:25 Drew Well, in fact, you may want to sort of.

8:28 Adam Oh, with the partner too?

8:29 Drew No, just sort of supervise the two of them when they're.

8:33 Well, yeah, I'll be filming that.

8:34 Adam There's no doubt about that. I mean, that'll be documented.

8:37 Drew Right, right.

8:38 Adam You know, for posterity.

8:39 Drew Of course, later when you all go in the spaceship off to Mars.

8:42 Adam Yeah, yeah. But I'm going to need to get the seed in you and in the partner and we'll work it out.

8:49 Well, I have to worry. I might have twins because my mom's a twin.

8:52 Adam OK, all right. All right. Well, we'll kill the boy or the boys, depending on, you know, how it comes out, you know, fingers crossed. We don't have to do anything rash. And then I'll eventually just start having sex with everyone. It's going to be awesome. Yeah. And and and there'll be no arguing with me because at a certain point, you know, after a couple of weeks, I'll be like, I had a vision last night. Well, God told me, started humping. And, you know, once the young youngins, too, yeah, that's how they work. It's like, what happened? Well, I was sleeping, I woke up and there's a messenger standing at the foot of my bed. What do you say? Take out the garbage?

9:29 No.

9:30 Adam No, magically, when we start banging chicks, because that's always what ends up happening. It's never like, oh, start playing AAA hockey.

9:40 Drew No, no.

9:40 Adam Or go ahead and turn the Vega into a convertible using a Sawzall. So it's nothing like that. Always has the visions, always magic, because you always got to start banging somebody. Yeah. Vision never tells them to get to work. No, it's just start humping.

9:56 Drew Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Did you ever see that South Park?

9:58 Adam Start that cult. No, but Drew, you're in. I'll put you in on the cult. And I'll tell you what, I'll make you something, too.

10:05 Drew Oh, are we going to be a thing?

10:09 Adam Well.

10:09 Drew I could be visited by the Spirit?

10:12 No, no, no, no.

10:13 Adam But I mean, you'll be fairly high ranking official. I'm going to need folks to do my bidding. And you bring a certain degree of respectability to it, maybe for press conferences and things like that. I might have you do a little speak and put a tie on.

10:27 You know what I mean?

10:28 Drew I'll be like the Branch Davidian girl.

10:29 Adam Yeah. Heather? Yeah. You'll be like that Raylian chick who had the tour.

10:35 Drew Raylian, that's right.

10:36 Adam Yeah, they were scientists. Yeah. We had a news conference for them about three years ago. Remember that? Yeah. They cloned the first child. We had to send the choppers out and the news van. And big story three years ago about cloning. They were the first people to clone. We had to cover it.

10:51 Drew Don't worry. You'll see the evidence soon. Yeah.

10:52 Adam It's coming. Oh, you know, we have DNA test. No, no, no.

10:56 Drew We'll hear that.

10:57 Adam We go ahead. We could just, no, no. You know, we could scientifically just go ahead and confirm what you're claiming. Here's the thing, everybody. Whenever there's a way to confirm something and people don't want to do it, it means they're lying. It's like when a guy says, no, I'm innocent, but I don't want to take the lie detector test. Not innocent. Guess what? Innocent people can't wait to take the lie detector test. And if you actually do clone somebody, get that DNA, get that swatch, sample, maybe, let's go get it to the lab. It's going to be awesome. It's like, look, if you actually have a winning lottery ticket, I'm hustling down the liquor store. Otherwise, you're just waving around a piece of paper having a press conference. Yeah, it's awesome that we cover it though, isn't it?

11:41 Drew It's awesome again that facts don't matter.

11:43 Adam Well, Drew, the jury's still out. There may be a three-year-old right now that has a identical clone. Heather?

11:51 Yes?

11:52 Adam You're 25?

11:53 Caller Yes.

11:54 Adam What's up?

11:55 Caller Well, I was wondering if any of those pills that you can buy for breast enlargement, if any of those at all work or have been shown to work at all?

12:03 Drew No. What's the problem?

12:05 Caller It's not a problem. I'm just curious because I would like to have a larger breast, but I don't want to go through surgery or do anything like that for myself.

12:15 Drew Some women can go up at least a cup size with just being on an estrogen-based birth control pill.

12:21 Adam What do you got going? What cup are you now?

12:24 Caller 34B, but like small B.

12:27 Adam Small B.

12:28 Caller And I have a fairly muscular frame, like I work out a lot and I lift weights, and so I just thought if I could go up a cup size or so it would just make me look a little bit more shaky.

12:37 Drew Yeah, that's nice. You can see, we talked about going on the birth control pill, perhaps that would do it, but that's about all you can do, really.

12:44 Adam Maybe you shouldn't work out so hard.

12:47 Caller Well, I like working out.

12:48 Adam All right, but you pump an iron?

12:51 Caller I'm not pumping iron. I just lift weights about twice a week when I go in.

12:55 Adam Okay, no, not pumping any iron, just lifting the weights.

12:58 Caller No iron, yeah.

13:00 Adam Okay, so you're not on the blower right now, you're talking on the phone.

13:04 Caller Right.

13:04 Adam Okay.

13:05 Caller Yeah, whatever. I know what that is.

13:07 Adam Well, pumping iron is-

13:08 Caller I'm not like training for bodybuilding or anything like that.

13:12 Adam I know, but you're lifting weights.

13:14 Caller Right.

13:15 Adam Okay.

13:15 Caller Yeah.

13:16 Adam All right.

13:16 Caller All right.

13:18 Adam All right, baby girl. I must, I don't think most women change very much from lifting weights, do they? I mean, there's always that thing, it's like, oh, stop lifting the weights, you're starting to look like a man, but-

13:27 Drew No.

13:28 Adam You gotta look like a man to look like a man.

13:29 Drew Yeah, you gotta have a certain-

13:30 Adam You gotta have that goal.

13:31 Drew Biology, yeah, yeah.

13:32 Adam Yeah.

13:33 Drew Or be taking steroids.

13:34 Adam Yeah, on the juice. Are all those women bodybuilders on the juice?

13:37 Drew Some do.

13:38 Adam What about the ones with just crazy veins popping in their arms?

13:41 Drew That usually is. Yeah. There's just some.

13:44 All right, you ready to party?

13:45 Drew Yep.

13:46 Adam Cassandra?

13:47 Caller Yes.

13:48 Adam 18?

13:49 Caller Yep.

13:51 Adam You can't have sex due to high risk of pregnancy?

13:54 Caller Yes, I can't, no, I can't. That's what I'm trying to say.

13:57 Drew Do you have multiples or something?

13:59 Caller No, I bleed every day and I've been every day since I was six weeks pregnant and I'm 16 right now.

14:05 Caller Oh boy.

14:06 Drew Yeah, it's probably.

14:08 Adam What happens?

14:09 Drew Well, the placenta is probably sitting over the cervical loss.

14:12 Adam Well, no ass, Sherlock.

14:14 Caller What happened was I had a biopsy done because I had a level four cancer or almost to be cancer cells back in March and my doctor took a biopsy on it. So I don't know if I didn't heal all the way on my cervix or not, but I'm bleeding every day and my husband.

14:35 Drew Wait, stop right there. Are you getting prenatal care?

14:38 Caller Yes, I am.

14:39 Drew Have they done an ultrasound?

14:41 Caller Yep, and the baby's fine. And I lost twin to this pregnancy, July 4th, which was when it started bleeding.

14:49 Drew And is the placenta in the right place?

14:51 Caller It's low, but it's not on the cervix. All right. Okay.

14:57 Adam I thought placenta was the juice that the kids swam in.

15:01 Caller No, that's the amniotic fluid.

15:04 Drew Placenta is the thing that gets all the nourishment out of the mom. It's an organ. Oh, dude, I got to show you here.

15:11 Adam I mean, do chicks have a placenta?

15:13 Drew No, they don't. They grow. It grows just like the yolk kind of.

15:17 Adam Yeah, it grows.

15:18 Drew It grows.

15:18 Adam That's the kid.

15:19 Drew The placenta is the thing that latches on to the mom's system.

15:25 Adam I thought it was like the sack.

15:26 Drew No, that's the sack.

15:28 Adam You're saying the sack's the sack? That's crazy talk, buddy. So what is the placenta is an organ that doesn't exist and then it exists when you're pregnant and then what?

15:39 Drew It grows and then it comes out at the end and then you eat it.

15:42 Adam Yeah.

15:43 Drew In permanent societies.

15:44 Adam Well, in my cult.

15:45 Drew And it smells like...

15:46 Adam That's all we're gonna eat.

15:47 Drew What's those crazy mushrooms that are going to be the placenta cult? Truffles. Truffles. Oh, delightful.

15:53 Adam Let me tell you, my cult is going to be placenta omelets, placenta pudding, placenta flavored horchata for the Mexicans in the cult. We're going to need some workers. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. All right, Drew, show me a picture of the kid. That's the sack the kid's in.

16:10 Drew Yeah, the whole thing is the sack. There's the placenta up there, that big organ that's getting everything out of the mom, feeding the baby through this tube.

16:16 Adam Oh, and that's that tube. That's at the blowhole. What is that? That OK, that's the umbilical cord.

16:25 Drew Right.

16:25 Adam And the placenta feeds into the tube. Jesus Christ.

16:29 Drew It's a huge organ.

16:30 Adam It's like an alien. I like the fact that they drew decent size areolas on the on the drawing of the chicken.

16:36 Caller When they're pregnant, that's what happens.

16:38 Adam Sweet. I'm just saying, like, I'm sure the guy was drawing them and the guy who dug the big silver dollar size came by. Hey, Earl, put another stripe.

16:46 Drew When they get pregnant, it gets big.

16:48 Adam Things stretch out. It doesn't grow, though.

16:51 Drew It just sort of changes color and gets big and changes everything. Everything changes.

16:55 Adam Awesome. Here's the thing. The placenta just sucks stuff out of the bottom.

17:03 Drew And then what I was saying is that maybe it's laying down here, like here, and it's bleeding through that hole right there.

17:08 Adam Through at the bottom, through the kid's head.

17:09 Drew Which is called placenta previa, and that happens all the time. But then at the end, if the kid comes out, you pull this whole thing, and that whole thing comes out at the end. So it looks like...

17:16 Adam Placenta previa is also the first day of the San Gennaro feast.

17:20 Drew Yes, incidentally, it is.

17:22 Adam Yeah, placenta previa, it's for press.

17:23 Drew It looks like a big jellyfish when it comes out, basically. A big, big, bloody jellyfish.

17:27 Adam Yeah. I'll be down there, Jimmy will be down there.

17:30 Drew Fry it up, placenta.

17:31 Adam A couple of guys that got killed from the Sopranos, it's gonna be awesome. Everyone, come on out and make the placenta previa at the San Gennaro feast.

17:39 Drew I see Jimmy, like, flap-kiss.

17:41 Adam Oh, he's throwing up placenta up there. Cassandra?

17:44 Caller Yeah.

17:45 Drew All right, so you can't have sex because of that, that's good.

17:48 Caller Yeah, but I still have sex with my husband.

17:51 Drew You do?

17:52 Caller Because he's so horny all the time, and I can't get him off orally, and he's never ever been off orally.

18:00 Caller All right, hold on.

18:01 Adam She's calling from Missouri. She's got twins.

18:05 Caller One died.

18:06 Adam She was, she's been married since she was, like, 14.

18:10 Caller No, come on. I'm never wrong. Just not wrong.

18:14 Adam Jewish, right, Cassandra?

18:15 Caller No, I'm not Jewish.

18:17 Drew Oh, oh! Korean.

18:19 Caller He's not Jewish either.

18:21 Caller I, I, you see, Missouri, it's just, and I, you know, that's why you can never judge.

18:29 Adam That's why you just can't, because-

18:32 Caller He's actually Native American.

18:35 Adam All, see, that's why you can't judge, because all the things, the Missouri, the pregnant and the teens, the placenta, the horny husband that won't stop having sex or even though it's going to kill her, it all just says, Joe. It just all adds up to- What part of Missouri are you calling from?

18:53 Caller St. Louis.

18:54 Adam All right, that actually could say a little Joe. That point is-

18:58 Drew The number two would be Korean, wouldn't it?

18:59 Adam Yeah, Korean, Korean or Jew. You sure you're not Korean?

19:03 Caller No, I'm German, Spanish, and Irish.

19:06 Drew Let's see if she has the answer.

19:08 Adam That's why you cannot judge. It's impossible to judge.

19:12 Drew It is. Indeed, you're right.

19:13 Caller All right.

19:14 Adam What tribe does your hubby belong to?

19:17 Caller From North Dakota.

19:19 Adam He's what?

19:19 Caller Hadatsa from North Dakota.

19:23 Adam That's the Jewish telethon they have every year.

19:26 Drew That's the lost tribe.

19:27 Adam Jesus Christ, he is a Jew. All right.

19:33 Caller But it's like, what am I supposed to do? I mean.

19:35 Adam Triplah.

19:36 Drew You're supposed to not have sex. You're endangering somebody's life.

19:38 Caller Yeah, I know. And he knows that, but he's a horny guy.

19:43 Drew Have your doctor talk to him. He can masturbate. He can do anything. He's got to lay off.

19:48 Caller Yeah. But when he masturbates, he needs me there, too.

19:50 Drew Well, that's fine. You can do that.

19:52 Caller I get turned on and have orgasms from it, and I'm not supposed to have orgasms. I can have orgasms just watching a guy masturbate without even being touched.

20:02 Adam All right.

20:02 Caller Hold on a second. All right.

20:10 Adam I got a plan.

20:11 Caller I got a plan.

20:11 Caller OK.

20:13 Adam Cassandra, here's what I need you to do. OK.

20:16 Drew She should talk to Chief Running Bear.

20:18 Adam No, no, this is too serious. Cassandra, I'm going to need you to get a piece of four inch inner diameter PVC pipe. I need you to put a use some hot glue, put a cap on the back side of it. OK. It's about four foot long. Go ahead and put a baffle at about the two foot mark. Something there can get through and then put a small hole, maybe three sixteenths drill bit toward the bottom. I need you to pour a little gasoline in that and air raid it. Go ahead and get it flowing, blow in there, get the, vaporize it a little bit. When you have the kid, stuff the kid into it and then take a lighter to it and just face it toward the south. All right, so the kid-

20:57 Drew South of Louisiana, south of there.

20:59 Caller OK, yeah. North. Why are you trying to tell me to kill my kid?

21:01 Adam No, no, no, it's so the kid has a chance, you understand?

21:04 Drew Launch the kid.

21:05 Adam It's a long shot, but I want this kid to have a chance.

21:08 Oh.

21:09 Adam Crazy, horny, chief humping bear over there and screwed up mom who can't stop having sex even though it's endangering herself.

21:19 Caller I only have sex with him like every four days, but he wants it more and it's like, I can't do anything about it and he gets mad at me because I don't want to have sex with him. I mean, he's right here if you really want to talk to him.

21:30 Drew Where is your doctor with this?

21:32 Caller My doctor doesn't like the fact.

21:34 Drew I mean, doesn't like it, doesn't he? Doesn't he get very firm about this?

21:38 Caller What do you mean?

21:39 Drew Well, doesn't he?

21:40 Adam I mean, he means gets a hard on.

21:42 Drew You may even have a legal issue here. I mean, he's endangering somebody's life.

21:45 Caller Well, yeah. And it's like, I know I don't want to ruin my relationship with my husband, but.

21:52 Adam Look, I say hump away and if the kid aborts the kid aborts, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, that's that's probably what is luck.

22:02 Drew You want to talk to you, Humping Bear?

22:04 Caller Chief Humping Bear. I don't know.

22:08 Adam Should we talk to him?

22:09 Drew I'm just frightened to talk to him.

22:12 Adam I am too.

22:13 Drew They could be could be from that lost tribe, though. Be interesting.

22:15 Adam Cassandra.

22:16 Caller Yeah.

22:16 Adam I put your husband on the blower. Would you please?

22:18 Caller Okay, hold on. Here he is.

22:22 Caller Hello?

22:24 Caller Joking.

22:25 Adam Hello? Hello. What's your name?

22:28 My name's Ed.

22:29 Adam Ed? Yeah. Ed Ames. No Ed Ames is?

22:33 Drew No.

22:34 Adam Ed Ames is the Indian who is on the Johnny Carson show who threw the tomahawk that hit the guy in the groin, the most famous scene from the most famous Indian. Yeah. Hey, Ed, stop having sex with your wife. You're going to want to screw her up.

22:51 Drew You're going to kill your child.

22:53 Adam No, no, hey.

22:54 Drew Do you think that's not going to happen? Ed.

22:58 What?

23:00 Drew You think that that's sort of joking that somehow you're not going to hurt the child by doing that?

23:04 Caller No, of course not.

23:06 Drew Okay. Let's knock it off then. I know it's hard, but you're a parent now. You got to be able to contain impulse a little bit.

23:12 Adam You want to be a good dad?

23:13 Caller Yeah.

23:15 Adam Okay. Well, I'll tell you, part of being a good parent is not killing your kid with your penis in a prenatal form. First, first and foremost. Call me old fashioned. Na na hey chica. Ya ya na na na chica ya.

23:31 Caller Na na ya wa.

23:33 Adam Turned Japanese at the end.

23:34 Drew I hope you heard that. That head really just lights up the land. The beacon.

23:41 Adam Yeah, he's awesome. He's a dynamo, that kid. He's going places. All right, everyone, please, as I've been watching this disaster unfold in the Gulf Coast, I realize the through line, besides these folks not being mobile enough to pack into cars and not having money in the bank, because everyone's cranking out too many kids. And it's like, here's the deal. Here's the deal, everybody. Here's the deal. The government is your last resort safety net. Hopefully, you make it through your entire life, and you never get a visit from a guy from FEMA. You never have to talk to anyone from Child Protective Services. You never have to have, there's no lines to get into. You never get a check from anyone but your employer.

24:33 Drew The whole idea of America was to have the government out of your life. That was the whole concept.

24:37 Adam That's the concept, everybody. Everyone came here because they didn't want the government telling them who to pray to, taking their taxes, doing all this stuff. So they came over here so they could work and have a better life. So, your job is to try to avoid the government at all costs, whether it's the cop who's pulling you over, or whether it's the guy from FEMA. Here's the way you can do that. Independence, independence. Now, independence don't mean hanging out on your porch, waiting for a guy to come by in a fan boat. That means working, putting money in the bank, watching how many kids you have, keeping it together, going to insurance, keeping kids in school, all that stuff.

25:14 Drew So the kids can be independent too.

25:16 Adam Then the kids can be independent. Now, if you're already in that boat, literally, I'm happy to give you a few bucks and try to take care of you. But let's try to learn from this. That's all I'm saying. Somebody bring it up. For the love of Christ, somebody bring it up. All we're talking about is people not having enough stuff. No one's talking about the fact that people are having too many goddamn kids. And that's why they can't provide for themselves. Now, once you're here, you're here. You should be taking care of. But let this be a warning. Let's let's slow it down a little bit. A little more college, a little less hump it. Here we go, everybody. Get a condom now. Let's go get some insurance now. Here we go. That's right. That's right.

26:01 Drew Condoms.

26:02 Adam Yeah. Condoms. Oh, yes. Durex condoms. You're going to get that party pack. If your caller we like so far.

26:08 Drew Give it to Cassandra.

26:09 Adam Now.

26:10 Drew No, she can't have sex. That's right.

26:11 Adam That's right. Yeah. You get the Durex party pack. You get the two CDs. You get a poker set. You get money. You get the Durex condoms. And we're going to we're going to pick two calls tonight.

26:22 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

26:24 Adam Okay. I think that's what we're going to do. You got to be 18 years or older to win. Brought to you by Durex or Sex. And then there's Durex. Another quick plug. My show. It's a good show tonight. Jeff Ross. King of the roast.

26:36 Oh, yeah. Sure.

26:37 Adam Yeah. You know, Jeff Ross.

26:38 Oh, yeah.

26:39 Adam Yeah. Funny, funny guy. He does a little roasting on me tonight. So it's too late. Comedy Central. 1130. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. You ready to rock, Drew?

27:27 Drew Yes, sir. You know, another thing I was arguing in the LA Times this morning about the middle class impact of the horrible problems down in the South.

27:34 Adam What's the problem?

27:35 Drew Well, people lost their businesses. I mean, people have no government services available to them because they don't meet criteria. And they're just sitting in their uncle's home or something going, now what do I do? They got nothing.

27:46 Adam Well, government's got to step in. They should be doing more.

27:49 Drew You know what I'm saying? I mean, there's a whole middle ground of people here that are being lost in the shuffle. It's interesting.

27:53 Adam Yeah, well, I mean, that's the whole thing. I mean, you owned a small business over there. You're not going to be back on your feet for 10 years. You were living in a shotgun shack with tin foil for drapes. FEMA step in, give you a new pup tent, you'll be back on your way cranking out kids in no time. Yeah. Look, here's all I'm saying, people. Here's all I'm saying, everybody. People that are standing on a curb and get hit by car are victims. The people that then don't have car insurance, don't have health insurance, don't have money in the bank, don't have anything to take care of themselves when bad things happen, aren't really victims. They're victims of their own lack of preparation. And it doesn't mean we shouldn't feel sorry for them, but it also doesn't mean we should completely ignore it and act like it doesn't exist. It's like, look, if everyone's got a minivan that runs and they got a couple of ducats in their pocket, then when it's time to clear out, it's time to clear out. And if you don't, you didn't prepare. And you should be helped. But let's not hold you up as a shining example for the future generations. That's all I'm saying. Nobody brings it up because obviously you sound like the world's worst person if you bring it up. But let's be honest, you got to take care of your family, you got to take care of yourself. It's like this. If there's an earthquake, if you have kids and there's a major earthquake, and what do you got in your house? Well, I got a can of cat food. Yeah, well, remember all those times people told you to get a flashlight, AM radio, and some batteries, and some food, and some formula. You got one kid who's a diabetic, you're going to need some insulin. You don't have. Are you a victim? Or did you just not prepare? Now, you should get some blankets and you should get some insulin. But let's go. Next time, let's be ready. Sarah?

30:01 Caller Yes.

30:02 Adam 25, what's up?

30:04 Caller Um, I seem to have run into a situation where my partner, another female, has a much greater sex drive than I do. And it's kind of causing a risk some days.

30:20 Adam What are you good for a week or a month?

30:24 Caller Um, at minimum, we're probably...

30:28 Drew No, no, what do you want to do?

30:30 Caller What do I want to do?

30:31 Drew Yeah.

30:33 Caller That's the thing, it doesn't matter to me.

30:36 Drew So you would never want to have sex?

30:38 Caller Well, no, I would say that there are times when I do, but it definitely is... I mean, we can have intimacy one day and then the very next day, it's like...

30:51 Drew Sarah?

30:52 Caller We never had it, yeah.

30:53 Drew Sarah?

30:54 Caller Yeah?

30:55 Drew I'm going to ask one more time, then Adam's going to hang up. All right. How often, if it were just up to you, would you like to have sex?

31:03 Caller Once a week.

31:04 Drew Okay. And how about for your girlfriend? Well, if it were just up to her, what would she like?

31:10 Caller Once a day. Once every other day.

31:12 Drew All right. So it's not that big a difference. It's a lot of male-female couples sort of deal with that all the time. And it's sort of a well-kept secret in lesbian couples that often they stop having sex. Michelle, you ever heard that one?

31:26 Caller The death bed syndrome, death bed death, yes.

31:31 Drew It's not unheard of. It's a pretty common thing. And I hear a lot of complaints about the differences in the drive in amongst two female partners. And I always suspect it. I don't have evidence for this. But I've always been suspicious that the reason is that oftentimes somebody has a sexual abuse history. And that turns your volume up on the drive a bit. So does your girlfriend have that?

31:55 Caller Not to my knowledge. I was listening the other night and I thought that maybe that bad, chasing the bad boy story was close. But I'm not a bad girl. She doesn't chase people who are bad for her.

32:12 Drew Well, but still there can be a little bit of a compulsive nature.

32:15 Adam That wasn't a question, was it?

32:16 Drew No, it wasn't, but she was hearing something else on the call.

32:19 Adam Okay, I want to know if she has any sexual abuse in her past.

32:23 Caller Not that she's told me.

32:25 Adam All right.

32:25 Drew Well, you have to ask her.

32:26 Adam What about you?

32:28 Caller No, none of mine.

32:30 Adam Where's her dad? Did she ever talk to him?

32:33 Caller Um, she, her parents got divorced when she was 10. And she had some dislike issues for a few years and now he's back in her life.

32:43 Adam All right. And what do you guys do sexually? A little, a little oral sex?

32:48 Caller Um, she likes, she would like me to do it more than I do it, but she enjoys doing it to me.

32:57 Adam All right.

32:57 Drew So that's your main practice.

32:59 Adam You can't just pick up a magazine and have her get happy down there. You know what I mean?

33:05 Caller I, I don't, I don't understand.

33:06 Adam You can just lie back, pick up a magazine and let her get the licking.

33:10 Caller No, this is, uh.

33:13 Adam Get the licking sounds like a horrible fried chicken joint, doesn't it?

33:16 Drew It does, yeah, like our commercial.

33:17 Adam Come on down to get to licking and get yourself a deep fried bucket.

33:20 Caller X Crispy is get to licking good.

33:23 Caller Hey, it's Pappy Barker. Hey, Pappy. Hey, you getting out of here?

33:27 Adam We got a crazy miner.

33:28 Caller Now get to licking.

33:30 Caller Try a new, try a new get to licking ranch sauce.

33:33 Caller Yeah.

33:35 Adam And then the weird voice comes in. Three new locations. One in El Cajon, one in San Gabriel.

33:41 Caller Try some sauces, honey, honey mustard, this is Pappy Parker saying get to licking.

33:47 Adam All right, sir.

33:48 Caller Yeah. I think it pleases her more when I have a good time.

33:53 Drew Fair enough.

33:54 Adam All right. Well, Sarah, you sound almost robotic.

34:00 Drew But she's fine.

34:00 Adam Yeah, you're fine. How about you? You know what you need? You know, you know the stereotype of the Italian guys laughing and a little more, a little more range. You know, you know, the guy who's doing the fresh grated cheese over the pasta and he's going to say when and he's, and the guy's like, keep going. That's what I'm, that's what you need. You know, you need a little abundance, a little abundance.

34:26 Caller You know what I mean?

34:28 Caller So I need to listen up is what you're.

34:29 Adam Yeah, you're calling from Minnesota. You just, you sound like you're walking around with a puss on. Let's go, baby. You're 25, you're 25. You're living in a time when you got, you got iPods, you got TiVos, laptop computers are like, they pay you 80 bucks to take computers now when you go into a store. Let's go. What's so wrong with life? I don't know. All right, Speedy.

34:56 Drew Look. You're fine. You're fine. Don't worry about it. Your drive is not abnormal, by the way.

35:00 Adam No, but you may be a little bit depressed.

35:02 Drew Maybe, but I worry more that the girlfriend's got an engine.

35:05 Adam Sarah, what do you do for a living?

35:07 Caller I'm trying to get into medical school.

35:09 Adam So you can work on animals?

35:11 Caller No, people.

35:12 Caller Merge in serum.

35:14 Adam Okay. Who have been injured by animals? There's got to be some kind of animal connection when you're last meeting. They love those animals. I hate guys that love animals.

35:22 Drew Just sew up dog bites in the emergency room.

35:24 Adam All right. All right, everybody. Let's go, Sarah. I just wonder, I don't know what health category I'd fall into, but there's just these people that are almost, they're just burdened by life, you know? They got dropped down on the planet and it's just like, oh, I know. But they go back and they show pictures of the kid, seventh grade, seventh grade, it's way to the world. They show pictures of the kid when they're six and they just look miserable.

35:51 Drew They're probably dealing with some messed up family stuff. Yeah, there's a biological thing there.

35:54 Adam Yeah, there's no, I mean, obviously there's reasons for it. But then there's the people that just seem to, I don't know, try to find whatever the good part is or whatever the fun part is and enjoy it a little bit. I'm not saying it's me. I'm just saying.

36:08 Drew No, no, no, no, no one mistake you for that. Don't know.

36:11 Adam But when you're walking around in your full blown bummer, it's not a coincidence that people don't want to hang out.

36:16 Drew Yeah.

36:17 Adam You got to bring something, baby. You got to bring something to the table.

36:20 Drew The party.

36:21 Adam It's a party. What did you bring? You brought one broken spork? No, no, no, no. Oh, look at the beautiful ambrosia salad that Dr. Drew has brought. Awesome.

36:33 Caller Awesome.

36:35 Adam What name is that? Brian?

36:37 Caller Yes.

36:37 Adam 27?

36:38 Caller Yes, I am.

36:39 Adam What's up?

36:41 Caller Well, kind of a weird story here. I do Collie, which is a type of stick fighting with a rican stick.

36:48 Adam Yeah.

36:49 Caller And the tip of the rican, I was blocking, I was kicking the guy in the head and then I'm blocking low as he's striking. The very tip of the stick broke off and it went in and actually lodged in my testicle.

37:03 Caller Oh, whoa. Yeesh.

37:05 Adam Yeah.

37:06 Caller Yeah, well, it swore up and there was liquid coming out and the first little bit was like clear and now it's a little bit green.

37:15 Drew Wait, wait, wait a minute. You did not go to a hospital when this happened?

37:18 Adam Well, he had the wisdom of the Orient.

37:21 Caller Yeah.

37:22 Adam You know what I mean?

37:23 Drew Brian, are you serious?

37:24 Caller No, I did not. I haven't had time. I wasn't in the local area.

37:29 Drew The testy is contiguous with your abdominal cavity. I mean, you can really get very serious infections.

37:35 Adam You're the Western man. You want to prescribe all those chemicals, man. This is nothing Mr. Miyagi couldn't fix with the quick hand rub. You know what I mean?

37:44 Drew You need to get to an emergency room tonight. Listen, you can get the flesh eating bacteria down there just like anywhere else. I've seen it rip through people's pelvic areas.

37:55 Adam Aishidoshi?

37:56 Drew Yeah.

37:57 Caller Okay, so until I get there, there's kind of a, I don't know if it's a large amount, but there's a lot of liquid coming out.

38:06 Drew Brian, it's pus. You need to go now. Okay. There's no BS here. You don't wait till the morning on this. You could get septic during the night, get perinitis, who knows what the hell.

38:16 Adam I like that bamboo stick fight. No, you know, they put those masks on.

38:19 Drew Hopefully, it's just a skin thing. But if you enter the...

38:22 Caller I had a friend, Lip, because obviously a good friend. And he says where it went in, if it was just a couple inches, then my ass would have been the size of a mason jar.

38:31 Adam Oh, wow.

38:32 Drew Good one. Strong. Well done.

38:34 Adam Strong, Brian. Hey, man, we're going to send you out that directs party pack.

38:40 Drew That's the best, yes. Anything else we could give you, too?

38:42 Adam Yeah.

38:43 Caller Adam, I got to tell you, the red lights in Kent, Washington were the red arrow. Behind that red arrow, they have installed lights that are blue, and so now the officers can tell when you're running the red lights.

39:00 Adam Really?

39:01 Caller Yeah. They just, within a couple of months, they're coming up and I just asked somebody to see what it was, and that's what it's for.

39:08 Drew It costs a hundred and fifty.

39:10 Caller It costs a hundred and fifty bucks to install them. This is wonderful.

39:16 Adam Well, wait a minute. It costs a hundred and fifty bucks to install?

39:20 Caller Yep, but they're generating thousands of dollars in revenue because what the officers are doing is sitting down about a block or half a block down and just watching that blue light. If cars turn, they know.

39:31 Drew Wait, wait, Brian, so you're going to get the Durex back just for the, for giving us the best Mason jar call yet. Period.

39:38 Adam Here's the deal, y'all. We need to take our streets back, not from the criminals, from the cops.

39:43 Drew Strangely, I wouldn't, Seattle and San Francisco, I wouldn't expect to be as police states.

39:48 Adam They like to rape their citizens as much as the city, let's say like Burbank, although I think Burbank, well, Drew, I mean, to give Burbank their due, they're pioneers in raping their citizens. I mean, long, long before, when other cities were just toying with giving chicken ass tickets, Burbank had already had a 50 year head start on the raping of their citizens. When other cities didn't even know they could give chicken ass tickets for jaywalking, Burbank had already been way ahead of them. They spearheaded the whole chicken ass rape, rape the citizens thing. Burbank I think had explained to other cities, oh yes, you can give chicken ass jaywalking tickets even on side streets. Yes, and if you're like myself and you received one over there, even within crosswalks at lights that were green when you crossed them. Oh yes, oh yes, Drew.

40:46 Drew Yes, these are creative ideas.

40:48 Adam There should be, you know, in Burbank, there should really just be, right by the airport, there should be just a monument, there should be a huge bronze monument of a taxpayer with his pants pulled down his ankles and a traffic cop just effing him violently from behind.

41:02 Drew Well, and then...

41:05 Adam A shining beacon to that city in the raping of the citizens. A big arch over it.

41:08 Drew It's over 800,000 citizens rape daily.

41:12 Adam Yes, yes. More chicken-ass tickets given out. We give out more chicken-ass tickets in a month than the rest of the cities in the country combined during a year. Yeah. Hats off to Burbank. Awesome. Awesome. And let me just say this to all the other cities and municipalities that are interested in raping. I know Culver City over here has lots of chicken-ass arrows. I know Los Angeles County is into that. I'm sure there are many other municipalities in it. Go. Burbank should just have seminars on how to rape the citizens.

41:46 Drew The words got to get around.

41:47 Adam Go on out. Bring that Steno Pad, everybody.

41:49 Drew Send out Minion. Train at Burbank and then go out to your own town. Yeah.

41:53 Adam I'll tell you one thing. West LA could sure teach the Burbankians a lesson in the camera at the intersection raping part of the citizens.

42:02 Drew And manicuring the lawn.

42:04 Adam Well, the gay part.

42:05 Drew Yeah.

42:05 Adam But I'm talking about the part where they just send you the tickets in the mail. You see, I mean, there's one place where West LA actually has a nice head start on Burbank. They should say, Burbank, you guys are raping.

42:17 Drew Adam, Adam, Adam. Burbank doesn't want to lose the opportunity to pleasure.

42:21 Adam Rape in person?

42:22 Drew Yeah. By mail?

42:24 Adam Yeah, but I would just say, look, but listen, Burbank, you guys are, yes, you're doing a great job raping your taxpayers. That's awesome. My hat's off to you. But you could do it much more efficiently. You wouldn't actually have to rape them in person by pulling them over and handing out the chicken ass tickets that way. You could just send it to them in the mail like we do.

42:45 Drew And continue to rape at the present rate.

42:46 Adam Oh no, no, we're not stopping you from the chicken ass tickets you're giving to the old people who are walking across the street. No, keep going. But you can get them in their car too. Awesome stuff.

42:56 Drew It's what you call making money in your sleep.

42:58 Adam Yes, yes. I drive through every red arrow. I find red arrows to drive through and I pray that every American joins me in this. Find it, find it red, drive through it, and then when you get the ticket, fight it, fight it and we'll clog the whole god damn system.

43:15 Drew Good call, Mason Jarman.

43:17 Adam You'll know when I get that ticket.

43:20 Drew Well, why don't you go fight in the building committee?

43:22 Adam I'm doing that too. It's been four years and I've been through four thousand of them and I haven't got a ticket yet. But maybe I'll drive out to Kent, Washington or something, wherever he's calling from, and get one and then fight that. If everyone fights it, we just clog the system. See what I'm saying, everybody?

43:38 Drew That was my plan with the hedges.

43:39 Adam All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Yeah, buddy, Love Line, man, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Let's get back to the phones, Drew. Justin?

44:16 Caller Yes.

44:17 Adam 25?

44:19 Caller What's going on, guys?

44:20 Adam What's happening, brother man?

44:22 Caller Not much. Dr. Drew, I had a question for you.

44:25 Yeah.

44:26 Caller I was watching your show last night about the laser vaginal reconstruction or whatever it was.

44:32 Drew All right, all right.

44:35 Caller And I was wondering what the difference would be between that. And after my wife has her child, if the daddy stitch, if there'd be any kind of comparison between the two.

44:48 Drew No, not at all. No, no. That really was a reconstruction of the whole pelvic floor. I mean, they go way up inside the vagina.

44:56 Caller Really?

44:56 Drew Take off big pieces of tissue, sew it back down and bring in the whole big pieces of the pelvis are cut away.

45:02 Caller Oh, really?

45:02 Drew The daddy stitch thing in the episiotomy is nonsense. And again, that still doesn't, what he's talking about is, you know, after they cut them to prevent a tear, then sewing it back a little tighter, the whole pelvic floor relaxes. You have to take out big areas, and she had what's called a rectocele, too, so the rectum was descending down into the vagina and the bladder was, there's just multiple large babies that rips your pelvis apart like that.

45:29 Adam Kids, it's like someone putting a stick of dynamite in you. Oh, wait, I'm going to have time to talk to a man.

45:35 Caller Now, let's talk to David. David?

45:40 Caller Hey, guys. How are you doing?

45:41 Adam 28. You want to surprise your girlfriend by putting Alka-Seltzer in her vagina?

45:45 Caller Yeah.

45:47 Adam Couldn't just get her tennis bracelet?

45:49 Drew Yeah. She'd be much happier with that, believe me.

45:52 Adam It's a coin toss for most ladies.

45:53 Drew I understand that, David, you'd like your girlfriend to try wild and bizarre things on you, but that's not necessarily what she wants you to do to her.

45:59 Adam I had, I used to work with a welder who claimed he did this to his wife.

46:05 Caller Yeah.

46:05 Adam And this guy, here's the thing about the construction trade.

46:08 Drew By the way, Alka-Seltzer is largely aspirin. It's not a great thing for your vagina.

46:11 Caller That isn't?

46:12 Drew Burns.

46:13 Caller It's always, okay. How do you know?

46:16 Drew Alka-Seltzer, because I keep treating ulcers and gastritis from it all the time.

46:19 Caller From their vaginas?

46:20 Drew No, from taking the Alka-Seltzer the way it's supposed to be taken.

46:23 Adam But your vagina?

46:24 Drew My vagina, I've had it.

46:25 Adam I always like when stupid people come up with a stupid angle and then cling to it. So old people were putting this in their vagina. Now, whose vagina was it? It's like, you brought up vagina, stupid. I just said no the first time you brought it up. You know how people do that? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yeah, this welder. Oh, he was the ugliest man. It's hard to be ugly. Like if you don't have a big nose or even bad teeth and you're not fat, it's hard to be ugly. But this guy was, you know what I mean? And I only imagine what his big old wife looked like. But he used to tell us about putting vagina, putting a penelka seltzer up in there. And I was like, come on, buddy, I'm trying to eat.

47:03 Drew She like it?

47:04 Adam I was just talking during lunch. I didn't know what to do. All right. No etiquette. Take a quick break. Be right back after this.

47:15 Alright, guys, here's the deal.

47:17 Drew You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:20 Adam One call's all you need to make.

47:22 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:23 Drew 877-889-DATE. Call the Dateline.

48:01 Adam Yeah, Love Line, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Fun number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1-er. Watch my show tonight. Too late. Adam Corolla, Comedy Central. Jeff Ross, King of the Rose. Funny, funny, funny man on tonight, 11.30, Comedy Central. Wanna play a little German Air Florida, Drew? Let's do. Speak to Amanda, who's 17. Amanda?

48:31 Caller Yeah, hi.

48:33 Adam What's up?

48:34 Caller Not much. I was wondering before I go in with my German Air Florida, how the Recycl-A-Rolla was going.

48:39 Adam Ooh, this is good.

48:41 Drew I forget what that was.

48:42 Adam The Recycl-A-Rolla is my recycling shoot that's gonna be mandatory. Oh, that's right.

48:46 Drew Yes, yes.

48:47 Adam In all building codes by the year 2011, Drew.

48:51 Drew Amazing.

48:52 Adam I have a recycling shoot in my home when Jimmy Kimmel got his kitchen remodeled a few months back. He installed the Recycl-A-Rolla and the new house I'm working on for this TLC show has a Recycl-A-Rolla in it.

49:08 Drew Recyc-a-Rolla.

49:10 Adam No, not Recyc-a-Rolla.

49:12 Drew Recyc-a-Rolla.

49:14 Adam Yeah. Drew, let me tell you what I was telling someone about you. Drew hates your ideas but never has one that's any better.

49:20 Drew No, no.

49:21 Adam I was hoping for one.

49:21 Drew I was hoping for one.

49:23 Adam Here's a Drew's that one. He always go, the Recyc-a-Rolla. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no. It should be, what was that one you did?

49:33 Drew I'm praying for a better one.

49:34 Adam Recyc-a-Rolla. No, no. It should be, I got nothing. Drew, maybe once. Here's what you got to do, Drew. You got to have one loaded up. You got to have a good one loaded up. And then you say no. If you just go no.

49:50 Drew I was hoping to channel one.

49:54 Adam I have to laugh, Drew, whenever you hope to channel. All right. Amanda. Yeah. Yeah. So are you into recycling?

50:07 Caller Probably not as much as I should be.

50:09 Adam Yeah.

50:09 Drew If you had a Recyc-a-Rolla.

50:11 Adam If you had a Recyc-a-Rolla.

50:12 Caller Recyc-a-Rolla is a cool idea, though.

50:14 Adam It makes recycling fun.

50:16 Caller Yeah.

50:17 Adam Yeah. It's merely a tube that you throw bottles in in your kitchen. It goes right out, pops out the outside, and goes right into that recycling crate.

50:25 Caller Yeah.

50:25 Drew Like a rubber door or something?

50:27 Caller Yeah.

50:27 Adam Put a flap on it. What's that?

50:29 Caller I said, and if you're a Kimball, you run down to the bottom, get it and throw it back down, right?

50:33 Adam Well, he loves his so much. He just uses the same Mr. Pib bottle just because it runs back around laughing like a hyena and then throwing it back in and running back around again like Homer Simpson when he's delighted. Yeah. It's awesome. Here's the thing too, the bottles don't pile up using a precious counter space. Just boom, right? The thing. And everyone's kind of got the elevation for it. You don't think you do, but your kitchen floor, your kitchen floor is a good foot higher than the grade outside, than the patio outside. Usually, it's up a little bit. Even if it's not, you should put it in that lower recycling bucket. Amanda?

51:12 Caller Yeah.

51:14 Adam Give us the Germany or Florida, please.

51:16 Caller Okay. Six people were charged Monday with trafficking in protected species of a migratory bird, of migratory bird. After one man was caught with two rare songbirds hidden in his underwear at the airport, official said. The suspect named in a 21 count indictment on field Monday were charged with illegally dealing in protected species of migratory birds, including indigo and painted buntings, blue growth beaks, and northern cardinals.

51:44 Drew Northern cardinals?

51:46 Caller That could be. The six sold the birds from October of 2004 to July of 2005, violating a Migratory Bird Treaty Act. The defendant allegedly sold the birds almost every Sunday at an informal market for many months during the investigation. Do you want me to keep reading?

52:03 Drew No. A treaty implies other countries.

52:07 Adam It does.

52:08 Drew Migrating birds across multiple countries. But then Canada could be.

52:14 Adam They do do a lot of, you know, they have Canadian geese.

52:16 Drew Could be something with Canada. The other hand, and I do know a lot of South American birds come through Florida, right, through that area, but this didn't sound like South American birds. My gut says Germany.

52:27 Adam Really? I say Florida on this one.

52:29 Drew What do you got, Amanda?

52:30 Caller Florida, sorry, Drew.

52:32 Adam Yeah, Drew, so much birds and trafficking. Yeah, and you know, the wildlife trafficking.

52:38 Drew That was hard.

52:38 Adam So Floridian.

52:39 Drew Yeah, I don't even feel bad about that one.

52:41 Adam But the guy with the Jayhawk in his pants.

52:43 Drew Yeah.

52:44 Adam That's no German.

52:44 Drew You're right.

52:46 Caller Did you channel that answer, Drew?

52:48 Drew Yeah, I did.

52:49 Adam They're diabolical people, but they're, you know, they're not stupid. You understand?

52:54 Drew Floridians.

52:55 Adam No, Floridians are stupid. Floridians are idiots. Germans are geniuses. The problem is they're too smart.

53:02 Drew Diabolical.

53:02 Adam Well, when you get it, when you get a guy with too many brain cells to rub together, you start coming up with, you know, concentration cams. That's how you work. You get a Mercedes and you get an oven for Jews. That that's how they work over there. Too smart. It's not the friend of anybody. You know what I mean?

53:18 Drew Too smart.

53:19 Adam Yeah. They do some great piano concertos and, you know, you have a nice rocket program, but eventually start turning on people. You know, that's what really smart does. Because here's the thing. When you're really smart, you're tortured. And eventually you start torturing other people.

53:38 Drew Interesting.

53:39 Adam Stupid people aren't really interested in torturing other people that much. Really smart people are almost burdened by it. They're almost troubled by it. And eventually they'll start looking for other people to burden. And they have a leg up on you because they're smarter than you are. They're talking into this stuff. And they don't seem evil because they're smart and they know how to present themselves.

54:06 Drew So it's all thought out carefully. It seems like a good idea.

54:08 Adam Well, you really think about Hitler and Nazis in Germany. You know, they were sharp dressers. You know, they didn't look like Charles Manson.

54:16 Drew They rebuilt soccer stadiums and schools.

54:18 Adam Yeah, it's like, hey, hey, we got a program going on. We're gonna make people better. Yeah, yeah, we're gonna make everyone beautiful. It's gonna be utopia. It'll be awesome. Let's get together. Come on now. You know what I mean? And then that gives way to genocide.

54:31 Drew Craziness, yeah.

54:33 Adam Alicia? Yes. As opposed to like, you see the Manson family coming a mile away. It's like, hey, okay, crazy hippies. What's going on here? We got trouble coming. You know what I'm saying?

54:42 Caller I have a lot of trouble coming.

54:43 Adam Yeah, oh yeah. What's up, Alicia?

54:45 Caller I was raped when I was 20 years old. It was pretty brutal. I've been engaged to the same guy for about four years.

54:59 Drew Wait, wait, wait. You were seeing that guy at the time when the rape occurred or immediately following?

55:05 Caller No, it came about two years after.

55:11 Drew You were raped four years ago. You've been with this guy for four years. How does that work?

55:14 Caller Oh, wait, sorry. I was raped when I was 20. I've been seeing him for about two and a half years. It happened two years after, okay?

55:21 Adam It happened two years before.

55:22 Drew Right.

55:23 Caller Yeah, two years before. We've been together for about two years. I cannot have an orgasm with him.

55:31 Drew Have you ever had an orgasm with anybody?

55:33 Caller No.

55:34 Drew You have asthma, right?

55:36 Caller Yeah.

55:36 Drew Are you taking asthma meds?

55:38 Caller No. It's only when I do physical exercises.

55:41 Drew I can hear it now, though.

55:42 Caller Really?

55:43 Drew How did I know you had asthma if it's only during exercise? You just got off the treadmill.

55:47 Caller No, no treadmill. I'm fat. It's only physical and just asthma. I used to play soccer.

55:54 Drew Yeah. But Alicia, I could hear the wheezing just with you talking to us.

55:57 Adam Well, she's fat.

55:58 Drew That's not the fat. That's the asthma. So your asthma is more active than just exercise. Now, why are you not an asthma man? It's more importantly.

56:06 Caller I haven't prescribed.

56:08 Drew You're fat.

56:11 Caller I'm about 30 pounds overweight.

56:14 Adam How tall are you?

56:15 Caller I'm 5'2 and I weigh 160.

56:17 Drew You're overweight.

56:18 Caller Yeah, exactly. I've gained 30 pounds in the last year. My doctor is really concerned and-

56:24 Drew You're fat.

56:25 Caller Yeah. Yeah, basically.

56:26 Adam Okay, Drew. We get it. Okay. We heard you the first time.

56:31 Caller You're overweight.

56:32 Adam Okay. That's just another way of calling her fat, Drew.

56:35 Drew Are you a Mormon?

56:36 Adam No, I'm Christian. All right. I'm sorry. I know it just sounds like the Inquisition here. I mean, these questions. Let me see if we can move forward. Okay, Alicia. Again, I apologize for my partner.

56:52 Drew You're a heroin addict. No.

56:55 Adam Okay. So, Drew, I'm going to have to ask you to shut the microphone off. You're lesbian. Okay. Now, Drew, do you mind if I continue?

57:04 Caller Go ahead.

57:05 Adam I'm sorry, Alicia.

57:06 Drew You're a lesbian.

57:08 Adam Okay. I don't know if you think this is funny or if you think this is helping. I would just like to move forward.

57:15 Caller That's fine. Move forward.

57:16 Adam Okay. Let's please try to put this ugliness behind us. You were raped by whom? Who did this to you?

57:24 Caller A guy I worked with.

57:26 Adam A guy you worked with?

57:27 Caller You're a lesbian.

57:29 Adam Okay. We heard you the first time, Drew.

57:31 Caller And he...

57:32 Adam Did you call the police?

57:34 Caller No.

57:34 Drew How come?

57:38 Caller I...

57:38 Caller Hold on.

57:38 Adam Did Anderson have that carded up or is that actually you?

57:41 Drew That was me.

57:41 Caller Okay. I just...

57:43 Drew Oh, that was Alicia. I beg your pardon.

57:46 Caller I just didn't feel it was... I was kind of like scared. I didn't admit it to my parents for about two years.

57:53 Adam What was the circumstance? You worked with this guy?

57:56 Caller We worked with this guy and we were... Afterwards, there was a party at an apartment and we went there and everybody got drunk and he kind of cornered me in the bathroom and basically did his way with me.

58:09 Adam He raped you in the bathroom during the party?

58:13 Drew I'm a rapist. Why didn't you cry for help?

58:17 Caller I don't know. I honestly don't know why I didn't do what I should have done.

58:22 Adam Well, now is where the real questions start because she does have that little girl voice. She is overweight, a little protective.

58:28 Drew Right.

58:30 Adam And I'm guessing this apartment was the size of a book of matches.

58:37 Caller Yeah, practically.

58:38 Adam Yeah, with a nice holo-core inch and three-eighths door with two inches cut under it because they tried to swing it over that bad rust-colored shag. The point is, you just said hello, being raped. Some guy would have banged open the door.

58:54 Caller Well, okay, that was the thing. People tried to come in, but he locked the door. So nobody can come in.

59:01 Drew If you had said help, they would have busted the door in in four seconds. So that suggests you had what's called a freeze response, which is something that people have when they were traumatized when they were younger. Like sexually abused when you were five or six, something like that, or physically abused?

59:18 Caller No.

59:19 Adam Nothing.

59:19 Drew Why would you have a freeze response then?

59:21 Adam This is the first time a man put his hands on you this way.

59:26 Caller Yes.

59:27 Drew You're fat.

59:28 Adam Drew, please, from the time you were born till four years ago, this is the first time.

59:35 Caller Yes.

59:36 Adam Okay, hold on, let me talk to Drew for a second.

59:40 Drew Drew, I can believe no sexual views, but I can't believe no views.

59:43 Adam What about this? What about this, Drew?

59:46 Drew Yeah.

59:47 Adam What about the fact?

59:48 Drew She was just so loaded she couldn't respond?

59:50 Adam No. She sounds like a very naïve girl and a late bloomer. And nine out of 10 chicks you try to pull this on, just start screaming, believe me, I know.

1:00:03 Drew Did she like this guy?

1:00:04 Adam A, could have, but B, there is that percentage of people that were not formally abused, they're very naïve, they have horrible self-esteem, they just don't really know what's going on and they just sort of...

1:00:19 Drew And they're drunk.

1:00:19 Adam They let society sort of do things to them.

1:00:23 Caller You could add it up.

1:00:24 Adam No, not even, you know, when I was young, I would have been the same way. I really would have been.

1:00:30 Caller Okay.

1:00:32 Adam Alicia?

1:00:33 Caller Yes.

1:00:33 Adam Were you a virgin at that time?

1:00:35 Caller Yes, I was.

1:00:36 Drew We'll see. Did you like the guy?

1:00:39 Caller Um, semi, not, not.

1:00:41 Drew So is that maybe why you don't want to sort of blow the whistle? You were sort of hoping you'd kind of make out. Yeah.

1:00:47 Caller Yeah.

1:00:47 Drew And then just went, you just went too far.

1:00:49 Caller Yeah.

1:00:50 Drew All right.

1:00:50 Adam And, and again, and I mean, obviously you didn't want to have sex with him, but before that you were glad he was in the bathroom with you, right?

1:01:00 Caller Not necessarily, because it was kind of like a scary situation. Like he just kind of like came in there and like locked the door.

1:01:06 Adam Oh, okay. But you, you, you, you, you known him, you worked with him, you liked him.

1:01:11 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:01:12 Adam Okay. And then you never pressed any charges or anything like that.

1:01:16 Caller No.

1:01:17 Adam All right. And you say somewhat brutally raped, like you, you know, he tackled you while you were jogging in a park or something.

1:01:24 Caller Yeah. Yeah. He kind of came up on me and did his way with me.

1:01:28 Caller You're overweight.

1:01:29 Drew Did he hold a knife to you or something?

1:01:31 Caller No, just, just physical.

1:01:33 Caller All right. All right.

1:01:34 Adam There's, there's, there's things that are wrong here. He's a, he's not a good guy.

1:01:38 Drew Right.

1:01:39 Adam No, no, if, ands or buts. You walking around as if you were the victim of a violent crime is probably not the best course for you.

1:01:49 Drew And the reality is that this recent weight gain may have something to do with that, to keep people away.

1:01:54 Caller I've been going to therapy for about two and a half years for it.

1:01:58 Drew But the not orgasming, this is really your first sexual partner now.

1:02:01 Caller Yes.

1:02:02 Drew And so it takes a while to kind of work that stuff out. And I doubt that that really has anything to do with the rape.

1:02:08 Adam All right. So stay with the therapy. I feel, Alicia, like you're walking around like you're damaged goods. I don't know. In this guy's mind, he probably just thought he hooked up with a chick in a bathroom.

1:02:22 Drew Again, it's still all smacks with some earlier stuff. It really does.

1:02:26 Adam You told them, you told them to stop. Is that correct? Yes.

1:02:30 Drew Your dad is still in your life.

1:02:31 Caller Yes.

1:02:32 Drew And you had no maltreatment when you were growing up. Nothing that was sort of...

1:02:35 Caller No. It was... My... The whole relationship with my parents was like 100% normal.

1:02:40 Adam All right. Well, what about your biological dad? How is he?

1:02:44 Caller Oh, he's my... My dad is my biological dad.

1:02:47 Adam I have to check. Because once in a while, we don't get that. Oh, he's in the joint.

1:02:50 Drew Yeah. Exactly.

1:02:51 Adam Committed suicide in prison.

1:02:52 Drew Perfect.

1:02:53 Caller Perfect. Yeah.

1:02:55 Adam All right. Well, Drew, let me say this. Every once in a while, you meet someone that's sort of... Break them all a little bit.

1:03:01 Drew Sure. Well, and she sort of fit.

1:03:03 Adam She had the virgin part at age 20.

1:03:06 Drew It worked. All right.

1:03:07 Adam Stay in therapy. Yeah. All I'm saying is, move on. Act like you have a problem in the sense that you want to address it in therapy, but don't act like you have a problem in terms of just going out in the life. Don't have your new relationship ruined by this one event.

1:03:25 Drew Right.

1:03:26 Adam This is 15 minutes out of your life that you were buzzed during. You know what I mean?

1:03:34 Drew It's not like you were six when it can affect how your brain grows.

1:03:37 Adam Yeah. You were 20 years old.

1:03:38 Drew You're a woman.

1:03:39 Adam Something bad happens. Not a great experience.

1:03:41 Drew Bad experience.

1:03:42 Adam Don't wish it upon anyone, but don't have it ruin your current relationship.

1:03:46 Drew Or your life, yes.

1:03:47 Adam Isaac.

1:03:48 Caller Hey, I had a question for Dr. Drew.

1:03:51 Drew Hey.

1:03:51 Adam Hey.

1:03:52 Caller I'm going through a divorce and right now I'm debating whether I should go for joint custody with my kids or if I should be the weekend dad because I'm really trying to keep my son off the sauce and my daughter off the pole here.

1:04:04 Adam Yeah.

1:04:04 Caller You know?

1:04:06 Drew Well, were you from a divorced family?

1:04:08 Caller Yeah. My mother's been married three times.

1:04:10 Drew Strangely enough. And you know that there's some reasonably good studies that show that kids of divorced families have more trouble in intimate relationships, establishing intimacy, tolerating intimacy. That's scary. It's true. Until you're at least 30s or 40s and then it tends to settle down again. So, you know, it's just really the important thing is that you and your wife or ex-wife work something out that's agreeable and that works, it functions, so you can be a family, be part of the kid's life, whatever that is that you two think you need to do. It doesn't, you know, what you call it and how it's structured is up to the two of you.

1:04:46 Caller I've heard that, you know, the kids have problems when they have joint families, you know, being in half the time with the mother and half the time with the father.

1:04:53 Drew Yeah, I've read various things about and seen various situations.

1:04:56 Adam Oh, look, it's about the mom and the dad.

1:04:59 Drew Well, here's the deal, here's what he's saying, and this I actually agree with, is that the kids need stability. And if they're living with mom and they're going to the same school every day, they don't have to cart away to the, move to two counties away to stay with the dad for a few weeks, leave their friends behind. Well, I agree with you, Isaac.

1:05:15 Adam I'm not talking about, I'm talking about the parents living in relatively the same vicinity. And Monday, Wednesday, Friday thing or whatever. Yeah, my parents got divorced when I was eight, seven or eight. It would have been nice if I got divorced when I was five or six.

1:05:36 Drew Or before you're born.

1:05:37 Adam Or actually before I was born or maybe even never met. That, I mean, you know, best case scenario.

1:05:43 Drew Serious here.

1:05:44 Adam Best case scenario, they never meet. But, you know, they were dumb enough to stay together for like seven years. And they divorced and my dad moved down the street, which awesome one bedroom apartment on Laurel Canyon.

1:05:59 Caller Have you been to North Hollywood?

1:06:01 Adam Because it really gets nice out around Oxnard.

1:06:03 Caller Oh, yeah. Take Laurel down to Oxnard.

1:06:05 Adam Oh, this was the 70s.

1:06:06 Caller That beautiful little quaint little cottage.

1:06:08 Drew Oh, those two-story ones around the open courtyard with the weeds growing in the middle?

1:06:13 Adam This would have been one and this was about six feet away from Laurel Canyon.

1:06:16 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:06:17 Adam Yeah, it was awesome. Awesome. So he was over there and my mom was in an exquisite pile of ass that my grandmother let her squat while she smoked weed. So it was a beautiful experience, but it was back and forth. And I got to see both of them.

1:06:34 Drew I think, though, really it's his thinking, though, about creating something stable is important. Yeah, the stability and whoever can create the most stable environment for the kids, that becomes the primary, but the other one visits.

1:06:45 Adam Here's the other one, too. My parents would not talk to each other for years, for years, and that part was probably more troubling than the divorce part, which is like one of them is going to sort of wait at the end of the driveway for the other to send the kid in, and then you got to, you're like a courier pigeon, you know, go tell your mom that, yeah, well, tell your dad that, you know, because they're not adult enough to actually be in the same room together. I don't think there's any bad blood. I think they're both so humiliated that either one of them was with either one of them that they couldn't look them in the face. I mean, I really do believe it. I don't think they had a beef between the two of them. I think both of them just looked at each other and went, holy ass, I can't believe I was with and they both pointed at the same time, you. Because that's what it was. It was like, it was like once in a while, you just, you just, you just nailed that skank that was in the dorm next year's and you were blitzed out of your mind on Everclear. And it's like you run into her in the library and you're thinking to myself, it's like, oh my God, what was I thinking? And you're getting crap from your friends and stuff. They both were that there was both for each other to nailing for one another. Yes, for one, for one another. And I think they could bear, they couldn't bear to be in the same room together. It's awesome. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Awesome. Awesome stuff. Awesome.

1:08:10 Drew All right.

1:08:10 Adam You ready to rock here, Drew?

1:08:13 Drew I'm going to give it that direct pack.

1:08:14 Adam Oh, we didn't. All right, Michelle.

1:08:17 Caller Hi.

1:08:18 Adam What's happening?

1:08:20 Caller My boyfriend's mother, um, isn't very nice. Is that right? Um, we have a two and a half month old son together. And ever since she found out I was pregnant, she has been...

1:08:38 Drew Oof...

1:08:57 Caller Well, the thing is, she won't see our son until there's a paternity test, even though me and him both know it's his.

1:09:06 Drew So, why didn't you...

1:09:06 Adam Your son is two and a half years old?

1:09:08 Drew Months.

1:09:09 Adam Two and a half months old.

1:09:10 Drew Why didn't you get the paternity test?

1:09:12 Caller Because he's 17, and she has to sign for it.

1:09:17 Drew So she won't...

1:09:19 Caller She won't sign for it because she refuses to see my son and...

1:09:26 Caller Oh.

1:09:28 Drew And...

1:09:28 Caller Is that your boyfriend or your son?

1:09:30 Caller That's my son.

1:09:31 Adam Oh, okay, because he's young, too.

1:09:33 Drew People are just wonderful.

1:09:36 Caller You mean the mom?

1:09:38 Drew Just the whole situation. It's just a wonderful, heartwarming situation.

1:09:42 Adam It's awesome.

1:09:43 Caller Listen...

1:09:43 Drew And you got the dependent one there, the one that really needs everybody.

1:09:46 Caller Yeah, the ace man.

1:09:48 Drew And what's that one got? What's it got?

1:09:49 Adam Oh, the kid.

1:09:50 Caller Yeah, right. Right, the kid.

1:09:52 Adam Yeah, I'm right.

1:09:52 Caller You know what I'm ready to do with the world?

1:09:55 Drew Make one of those giant cans you were talking about, little PVC cans with the gasoline in it.

1:10:00 Adam And then just fire it.

1:10:01 Drew Fire the globe out towards the sun. Yeah.

1:10:03 Adam Now, here's what I'm going to do with the world. You ready? I used to have a buddy. He liked to paint. He'd get halfway into a painting sometimes and realize, eh, wasn't worth the canvas it was on. And buying a stretch canvas wasn't, you know, probably cost him 25 bucks. You didn't have much money. What do you do? Just bring out a bucket of that white gesso and paint it right over again. Start fresh.

1:10:25 Drew Just do that in America. Whole world doesn't necessarily need it.

1:10:29 Caller Parts of the world need it.

1:10:31 Adam You watch the news? I could dump a little gesso in Africa, Middle East, parts of Europe, Mexico. I guess I'll leave Mexico. I'm going to need a place to crash. I just pretty much leave Canada and a couple of places in Europe and then I'll only start over. That's all. Maybe a couple of... I don't know about South America, Central America. Maybe a little South America somewhere.

1:10:56 Caller Just keep a little oxygen flowing.

1:10:58 Adam I'm going to work it out, Drew, but do you know my gesso plan?

1:11:03 Drew Paint the world white.

1:11:03 Caller Start over.

1:11:05 Drew Whitewash.

1:11:05 Adam You're supposed to answer with yes-o.

1:11:06 Drew Yes-o. Yes-o.

1:11:08 Adam All right. Try that again. You down with yes-o?

1:11:11 Drew Yes-o.

1:11:12 Adam Thank you. Take a quick break. Be right back. All right, Michelle, we'll get back with you. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

1:11:18 We'll help her. We'll help her.

1:11:20 Adam Be right back after this.

1:11:23 Caller Be right back in a minute.

1:11:38 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191-er.

1:11:46 Drew Begs no discussion, Adam.

1:11:48 Adam Yes.

1:11:48 Drew Yes, sir.

1:11:50 Adam Guess what? You're fat.

1:11:51 Caller Know what time I woke up this morning, Drew?

1:11:55 Drew 5.30.

1:11:56 Adam No, I went to bed at 2.30, I got up at 7.05.

1:11:58 Drew Oh, nice.

1:11:59 Caller You want to know why?

1:12:00 Drew Why?

1:12:02 Adam Reverse beeper truck.

1:12:04 Oh, nice.

1:12:11 Adam And I know you guys have heard this rant 10,000 times, but here we go. Well, here's the deal, Drew.

1:12:18 Drew I've been here. The rants I've been here lately from you are about this freeway signs that aren't firing off. I'm getting that twice a day.

1:12:24 Adam Beside my goddamn self on that one.

1:12:27 Drew Yeah.

1:12:27 Caller You know, I was on the 110 the other day and they're up and running. It was, I thought of you. It was great. It said like, distance to the 101, like 22 minutes, distance to the 405.

1:12:37 Drew No, no, no. You're on the 105. That's the 105 does that.

1:12:39 Caller No, not the 105.

1:12:41 Drew Or way down the 110, like San Pedro.

1:12:43 Caller Yeah, but I thought of Corolla.

1:12:45 Drew No, no. Yes. But downtown, where you really need it, they don't do that. And they don't do it late at night except to announce things that are happening in like Ontario.

1:12:55 Adam Let me explain something that has happened in a three-day period involving the LA Free Days.

1:13:00 Drew Us, us, you and I.

1:13:01 Adam Yeah. Yes. Night before. Night before. Well, Monday night, I couldn't get off the freeway. I had to be diverted through downtown.

1:13:11 Drew There was a freeway closure.

1:13:13 Adam There was an off-ramp closure or yes, a freeway closure. There was a major freeway closure on the way in last night.

1:13:20 Drew Because of an accident.

1:13:21 Adam And another freeway closure.

1:13:23 Drew The same night.

1:13:24 Adam The same night.

1:13:25 Drew Yes.

1:13:25 Adam Now here's the deal. I don't mind. That's nobody's fault.

1:13:29 Drew We had another one way down by the Hollywood Freeway, remember?

1:13:32 Adam Yes.

1:13:32 Drew So we had four closures.

1:13:34 Adam Right. Now I wouldn't be angry except for I passed under three blank signs, electronic billboard signs.

1:13:42 Drew Ironically, the week before had announced amber alerts three times.

1:13:47 Adam And the day before said obey. Obey the speed limit. Not observe. Obey. Now, why they can't, why they can give the amber alerts and give the obey part and not give the part where the goddamn freeway is closed coming up in a mile. That warps the mind. It warps the mind.

1:14:09 Caller It warps yours.

1:14:11 Caller It warps my mind.

1:14:13 Adam The other thing that warps my mind is the range on the beeper truck. You understand? I wasn't sleeping on a parade route. I'm not in the street in a sleeping bag. I'm in my house. Clears the goddamn bell. And you know what people don't realize? People don't realize the range. People don't realize how far you can see on a clear day. Right. People don't realize that if you go to the top of a high building and you're in Seattle and there's nothing but blue skies, you can see 65 miles. Yeah. Same thing with sound. People don't realize what it's cold morning, crisp morning, and there's nothing else going on. And there's dead silence. And some guy goes a mile away with a horn and starts hitting it every second. You can hear it. Everyone can hear it. Just saying, how can we be backed up over in our own goddamn bedrooms? That's all. Is there ever a kid doing a shoulder roll? How many beeps do you guys hear and how much cover do you take? What do you think that ratio is? Have you ever taken cover, Drew?

1:15:28 Drew Oh, I'm just thinking of the 86 billion beeps.

1:15:31 Adam Have you ever stepped out of the way?

1:15:34 Drew I'm sure I've stepped out of the way. I've probably had one or two beeps that have made a little tiny difference to me. Out of 86 billion.

1:15:40 Adam You think you would have been hit by the vehicle? You think it would have been close, grazed by the vehicle? No. Do you realize that you hear those old day, every day, but yet there's nothing to do with them?

1:15:53 Drew Let's make a list of all the things that hinder our movement through it.

1:15:57 Adam Well, let's just put it this way. If you travel and you travel with any consistency, you probably now have the equivalent of six months waiting in line at the airport.

1:16:07 Drew That's just the travel part.

1:16:10 Adam Not the part where you're on the plane, the part where you're trying to get through security. Yeah, all that stuff, everything. And eventually, that's it, everybody. Because you have a limited amount of time on the planet. And just like you don't want to work seven days a week, you don't want to hear 300,000 beeps a day. And it's awesome because my office is across the street from a huge construction site, and all I hear is that, oh, God damn day. That's all I hear.

1:16:38 Drew All right, so Michelle.

1:16:39 Adam Yes.

1:16:40 Drew What is it we can do to help to us? Do you want to try to establish paternity of this child?

1:16:45 So what?

1:16:46 Caller We want to get it official, but she won't sign for it.

1:16:51 Drew Well, how are you taking care of this child? How are you supporting him?

1:16:55 Caller With my money. Right now I'm on three months' maternity leave from my work.

1:17:02 Drew What do you do?

1:17:06 Caller I work at Arby's.

1:17:08 Drew Arby's.

1:17:09 Adam I see. I couldn't come up with something that good. I was going to say Stuffs Bean Bags, but a noble position compared to working at Arby's.

1:17:17 Drew Well, Arby's sounds too pat, too easy.

1:17:20 Adam Here's why I couldn't work at Arby's. One for you, one for me. I love those. I just take a bite out of everyone's burger before I go. I don't want the whole thing. I just want a bite.

1:17:30 Drew Do you like Arby's? You're Arby's fan?

1:17:31 Adam Yeah.

1:17:31 Drew I thought it was roast beef.

1:17:33 Adam Arby's?

1:17:34 Caller Yeah.

1:17:34 Adam Yeah, Arby's is roast beef. But it's not really roast beef. Arby's is to roast beef what particle board is to wood.

1:17:41 Caller Got it, got it.

1:17:43 Adam Still doesn't mean we don't need it. You know what I mean?

1:17:46 Caller Yeah.

1:17:47 Drew Go ahead, Michelle. So you support yourself, you live by yourself. What's the plan?

1:17:52 Caller I have money from other things from when I was younger. I have a trust fund.

1:18:00 Adam Wait a minute. No, no way. Nobody with a real trust fund is on paternity leave from Arby's.

1:18:07 Drew Unless you sued McDonald's.

1:18:09 Caller No.

1:18:09 Adam No, no, no. You can't have money and work at Arby's. There's a law.

1:18:14 Caller My father died when I was younger and I have a trust fund from him.

1:18:19 Adam How much did he leave you?

1:18:22 Caller A lot more than I ended up getting. It's been in the court system for the last ten years. Tied up in a whole bunch of stuff because my aunt tried to get it.

1:18:32 Adam That's his sister?

1:18:35 Caller No, my aunt, my father's sister.

1:18:39 Adam That would be his sister. People so incredibly poised to say no and disagree.

1:18:47 Drew It's incredible.

1:18:48 Adam It's one thing to disagree with things that are confusing. It's another thing just to disagree. How badly do you want to disagree? Oh, your aunt, that's his sister? No.

1:18:57 Drew Interesting. I've been getting less of that lately.

1:18:58 Adam Yeah, me too.

1:18:59 Caller That's his sister.

1:19:01 Adam Now, I know, but the point, the fact that you thought I said that means you're dying to disagree.

1:19:07 Caller Anyway.

1:19:08 Caller Sorry.

1:19:09 Drew Anyway. So, but where are we going here? What is it you want to do?

1:19:12 Adam I'm just killing time.

1:19:12 Caller I don't know how to deal with her.

1:19:15 Caller How much money?

1:19:16 Adam I want to know how much money you got left.

1:19:18 Caller Um, I haven't even gone all of it yet. I have about 40,000 in a CD accumulating money. Um, and then another 30,000 in my savings, 8,000 in my checking. And then I have 1,500 in his savings account.

1:19:38 Adam All right. So you got close to 800 grand or something?

1:19:43 Caller They haven't given it all to me yet. I plan on buying a house once I get it all.

1:19:48 Adam All right. Well, first off, FRBs. That's my initial joke. Number two, when does this guy turn 18?

1:19:55 Caller Um, November.

1:19:57 Drew All right. So then you'll do it.

1:19:59 Caller November? So he's going to turn a couple of months.

1:20:02 Caller Yeah. But as much as I hate his mother and I'm sick of her, I want my son to have a relationship with her because she is his grandmother.

1:20:14 Adam Yeah.

1:20:16 Caller She's just been really difficult. Like she refuses to stop smoking because I don't allow anyone that smokes to then go and hold my son or let alone smoke around them.

1:20:26 Drew You have to, you want you, why won't you allow somebody that smokes, hold your child?

1:20:31 Caller Unless they wash their hands. They have to wash their hands.

1:20:34 Drew Why?

1:20:35 Adam It's absorbed nicotine.

1:20:37 Caller It's bad for them. It's been proven in research that even if you smoke outside, then you come in and hold your child.

1:20:45 Caller No, we've all seen the data.

1:20:46 Caller Smoke is still on you.

1:20:47 Caller It's all over JAMA.

1:20:48 Adam She read this year's JAMA.

1:20:50 Caller She sells New England metal.

1:20:51 Drew There was Annals Internal Medicine in the England Journal.

1:20:53 Adam Well, she's surprised. And the American College of Cardiology. And there was a blurb on it in the Wall Street Journal. She saw it. I thought any reader also had something to say about it.

1:21:01 Drew Just think it through for a second. What is the problem with cigarettes? What makes people ill from cigarettes?

1:21:07 Adam The smoke.

1:21:08 Drew The smoke, okay. Not the nicotine, the smoke. The smoke is gone when the cigarette is put out.

1:21:13 Adam Well, but Drew, thousands of people die every year from second-hand smoke.

1:21:16 Drew But if she makes people smoke outside and they come in...

1:21:19 Adam Some of it gets trapped in their eyebrows. Come on, be realistic, Drew. You know what I'm saying?

1:21:24 Caller Well, she smokes inside too. She smokes inside her house.

1:21:27 Adam Let me tell you what's worse for a kid. Having a mom that works at Arby's and having a 17-year-old dad. Actually worse than trace elements of nicotine. What do you say, Drew?

1:21:38 Drew I'd say if the grandma actually shared the cigarette with the two-month-old, it'd be better.

1:21:44 Adam Like they're in a foxhole and they're just sharing a butt.

1:21:48 Drew Much better.

1:21:49 Adam I really would. You'd rather your kid have a few barges off that square than have these folks raise them, wouldn't you? Yeah. You know what I love? I love when people really focus on the minutiae when the whole S House is going up in flames. That's my, that's the part I enjoy most.

1:22:10 Drew We call that rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

1:22:12 Adam There you go, Michelle. All right. Well, when this...

1:22:14 Caller I just don't like cigarette smoking, so...

1:22:17 Adam I understand. When this guy turns 18, you get the paternity test, you take him in there. Do not get pregnant ever again.

1:22:25 Caller Oh, no. No.

1:22:27 Adam Okay.

1:22:27 Drew And when mom sees, grandma sees that this is, in fact, his biological child, there may be a little turn around. And stop busting her chops so much.

1:22:36 Adam Well, here's the deal. I'm sure she's no delight.

1:22:39 Drew I know.

1:22:39 Adam But you don't sound like the world's greatest 20-year-old either.

1:22:42 Drew But the 17-year-old's got to go from one to the next. You know what I'm saying?

1:22:45 Adam Right. Ball-busting mom.

1:22:46 Drew To ball-busting Michelle.

1:22:48 Adam That's going to be awesome.

1:22:49 Drew Yeah. And the fact, though, is if you really want that grandmother to have a relationship with the child, you're going to have to open the door for it.

1:22:54 Adam The kid's going to be president. Should we give Michelle the directs party pack?

1:22:58 Drew Yes. Yes. Oh, yes.

1:23:01 Adam Michelle.

1:23:02 Caller Yes.

1:23:02 Adam You want yourself a directs party pack?

1:23:04 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:23:06 Caller All right.

1:23:07 Caller Well, I don't really like.

1:23:10 Adam What a shock.

1:23:11 Drew She doesn't like condoms.

1:23:12 Caller Can you take them away from her?

1:23:13 Adam Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, she's not getting it. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to force a straight cat to crap into a hefty bag and send it to her.

1:23:23 Caller Tell her what she lost to.

1:23:24 Adam Yeah. Michelle, what you lost is not only the-

1:23:28 Caller I said I don't like condoms. I said I don't like sex right now.

1:23:31 Adam Not only the Durax, but you lost the-

1:23:33 Drew We don't want her to like sex.

1:23:34 Adam You lost the CDs. Good. Good for you.

1:23:36 Drew Don't give her the condoms.

1:23:36 Adam I might put you back on the list.

1:23:37 Drew She's on. She's on.

1:23:39 Adam All right, Michelle, you're back in.

1:23:40 Drew Hello.

1:23:41 Adam Don't talk. You're in danger of losing it again. I'll put her on hold. All right, we're going to take ourselves a break, shall we? Good idea. Got to plug my show one more time.

1:23:52 Drew Too Late with Adam Corolla. It's on right now.

1:23:54 Adam That's right. Comedy Central. Take a quick break. Be right back after this.

1:23:59 Caller Loveline.

1:24:00 Drew We'll be right back. 5105, Root.

1:24:22 Adam Yeah, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1-R. You ready to rock, Drew?

1:24:29 Drew Here we go.

1:24:30 Caller Let's talk to...

1:24:32 Caller Nikki.

1:24:34 Caller Boyfriend has what?

1:24:35 Drew You'll see.

1:24:38 Adam Nikki?

1:24:38 Caller Yes.

1:24:39 Adam What's up?

1:24:41 Caller My boyfriend has MRSA, or he was diagnosed with it earlier.

1:24:45 Drew Which is methicillin-resistant staph aureus.

1:24:48 Caller Yeah, thank you.

1:24:49 Drew Good times.

1:24:50 Adam What does that mean?

1:24:51 Drew It means it's just skin infection, basically.

1:24:54 Adam Staph aureus.

1:24:55 Drew Staph aureus.

1:24:55 Adam That would be a good name for one of David Hellen Greer's kids. Staph aureus!

1:25:00 Drew Put that football bat down.

1:25:03 Caller Football bat.

1:25:04 Drew It's the grams of ethanol estradiol.

1:25:07 Caller Ethanol estradiol.

1:25:08 Drew It's the progesterone. It's the levonogestrel.

1:25:13 Caller Where is levonogestrel?

1:25:15 Drew Or the northendrone?

1:25:16 Caller No, put that wiffle ball back down.

1:25:20 Come in the house.

1:25:22 Caller I'm so behind. I'm sick of these kids, man.

1:25:26 Drew You forget.

1:25:27 Caller I can't help it.

1:25:28 Drew You forget when he talked about the prolapsing anus, too. Last time he was up here.

1:25:32 Adam Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1:25:35 Caller Yeah.

1:25:36 Adam I swear, Anderson, I just I need that on a disc every time I feel bad. I just want to listen. Then, Drew, I is God is is God is my witness. We're just going to do a segment where you read off ingredients on birth control pills. Yeah. And he turns them into black children and screams out the front window at them.

1:26:00 Caller What did I say?

1:26:01 Adam What did I say?

1:26:02 Caller What did I say?

1:26:02 Caller I got feelings for you. Can I prolapse your anus?

1:26:10 Adam I swear, let me just hear those black kids' names one more time.

1:26:13 Drew I just got to hear it. Ethanol, estradiol, which is the- It's the progesterone, it's the levonogestrel.

1:26:22 Caller And where's levonogestrel?

1:26:24 Drew Or the north endron.

1:26:26 Caller North endron, put that whiffle ball back down, come in the house. So behind, I'm sick of these kids.

1:26:36 Caller I just love that.

1:26:42 Adam Oh, Drew, here's what we're going to do for my next birthday party.

1:26:44 Drew Just play that.

1:26:45 Adam No, we're going to get a long list of these things. You're going to stand next to David Allen Grier. It's for my birthday.

1:26:53 Drew You understand?

1:26:54 Adam You are going to read off of this long medical list, and he is going to convert every single one of them into a black child. Do you understand me?

1:27:04 Drew Yes, yes. Oh, yes.

1:27:06 Nikki?

1:27:07 Adam Hello? Now, what were those? All hormones?

1:27:10 Drew Yeah, progesterone and estrogens. Those are the...

1:27:13 Adam And there's different types of estrogens?

1:27:15 Drew Epinellestrodial is a typical...

1:27:19 Adam That's funny when you say it.

1:27:21 Drew It's a typical estrogen in a birth control pill and levonadestrel in the north enderone.

1:27:30 Caller Yeah.

1:27:30 Drew Are the morning after pills? That's the progesterone in the morning after pill.

1:27:33 Caller All right.

1:27:34 Adam Nikki, go ahead.

1:27:36 Caller Okay. Well, he was diagnosed with MRSA and they said that there was only like three antibiotics that would kill it.

1:27:42 Drew Yeah.

1:27:43 Caller Well, he was given one. It didn't work and they gave him another one and so far he hasn't had any outbreaks, but I'm about ready to have my first baby.

1:27:51 Drew Wait, does he have recurrent folliculitis or something? What's the guy?

1:27:54 Caller Oh, I have no idea. He was just diagnosed with MRSA and the doctor told me.

1:27:59 Where?

1:28:00 Caller What do you mean where?

1:28:01 Drew Yeah, that's an infection. There's a staph infection.

1:28:03 Adam At the hospital.

1:28:04 Drew Where is the staph infection?

1:28:05 Caller He had it in his thigh at first. Then they gave him the first antibiotics. He took that. It went away and then he got one on his knee.

1:28:14 Drew You know what? That usually ends up, I think.

1:28:16 Adam Where does that part come in where you go where? What do you mean where?

1:28:18 Caller What do you mean where? I know.

1:28:21 Adam It's neat, right?

1:28:22 Drew I have a feeling he needs to see the dermatologist or infectious disease doctor because the reality what you're describing is something that responds to doxycycline typically.

1:28:30 Caller Okay.

1:28:31 Drew And it's...

1:28:34 Caller Well, I heard the MRSA is contagious for newborns.

1:28:37 Drew Well, yeah, it's contagious for everybody, but it has to cause infection, though. Just having it around, it's around in the environment.

1:28:45 Caller It travels through the nose, and so that's why...

1:28:47 Drew Yeah, it lives in your nose. That's where Staph aureus lives. But you need to see infectious disease, doctor. Seriously, this sounds like this is being mismanaged, frankly.

1:28:56 Adam Are there other...

1:28:57 Drew Or managed... Not as well as it could be.

1:28:59 Adam Are there other bugs that live in your nose?

1:29:02 Drew Yeah, lots of them. Staph aureus is the one that can cause bad infections. The ones that gets on your hands, and you can get infected people with that. And there was. And, you know, Staph methicillin-resistant Staph aureus, it's a community problem, because it's something that gets around and then starts causing infection. It's very hard to treat it. You can't use the usual antibiotics, penicillin-type antibiotics, or what are called cephalosporins. You end up using something called vancomycin and those sorts of things. But if they're using vancomycin for a current carbunculate, carbuncles, that's not appropriate. There's something going wrong here with that treatment.

1:29:34 Adam I think I had a carbuncle on my ass once.

1:29:37 Drew Oh, yes.

1:29:37 Caller These are all awesome names, though, for David.

1:29:40 Adam It's all I can think about. Drew, on my birthday, I'm just going to need a list. You're thinking about your birthday.

1:29:46 Caller I need a list.

1:29:47 Adam Where is it?

1:29:47 Drew We need it back now.

1:29:48 Adam And here's the deal. I don't want this thing to go on for, you know, three or four minutes.

1:29:52 Drew Or you want a half hour.

1:29:53 Adam Solid half hour. You're going to have to come in with one of those scrolls that King Squires used to make proclamations with and just unroll it as it rolls all the way down the floor.

1:30:05 Drew Got it.

1:30:05 Adam And you have to go through every single medical term. And he is going to have to convert it into a young black child. That's all.

1:30:11 Drew Spontaneous.

1:30:13 Adam Nathan?

1:30:14 Yeah.

1:30:15 Adam What's up, buddy?

1:30:18 Caller I just want to let you guys know I listen to you guys every night and you guys are so funny.

1:30:22 Adam Thanks.

1:30:23 Caller I have a question. Okay, about six months ago, I had a, I may not be pronouncing this right, but it was an Epidermitis. And I've had since then, I've had two separate girls pregnant and they both had miscarriages. I was wondering if that could be why or.

1:30:47 Drew No, it did my inflammation infection. Usually it starts with an STD, frankly. Yeah, that's just, it's just, it's just inflammation.

1:30:53 Adam Darwin taking out the trash.

1:30:55 Drew Yeah. Most, most people aren't aware that most pregnancies end in miscarriage. That's a fact. And, you know, these are just, they end up for whatever reason.

1:31:04 Adam Nathan.

1:31:05 Caller Yeah.

1:31:05 Adam What are you doing getting everyone pregnant?

1:31:08 Drew That's the bigger issue.

1:31:10 Caller Well, this one girl I was with for a year, and I was with her for two months before we even did anything with each other.

1:31:17 Adam Yeah.

1:31:18 Caller And then before that, I had this other chick, I got pregnant and I wasn't, that was more like a one night stand type thing.

1:31:28 Drew Oh, Vivid Expo.

1:31:29 Adam That explains it.

1:31:30 Drew There was one chick who got pregnant and then another chick who got pregnant.

1:31:32 Adam Well, so it wasn't your fault. It's all coming to focus now.

1:31:36 Drew One chick and then another. Okay.

1:31:37 Adam I see. So you got two chicks pregnant. And the story is you put your penis in ejaculating two different women.

1:31:45 Drew Write that down.

1:31:46 Adam Hey, Nathan, I think I owe you apology, buddy. I'm sorry for my tone. I know it was a little accusatory. I've had kind of a long week and I didn't know you'd been banging two separate chicks.

1:31:57 Drew We're at Conner for God's sake, Nathan. For God's sakes.

1:32:00 Caller What are you doing?

1:32:01 Caller I don't know, dude.

1:32:02 Drew I listen to the show all the time.

1:32:04 Caller You said, don't you hear what happens, people?

1:32:06 Caller What?

1:32:07 Drew All right.

1:32:07 Adam All right. I was going to send them out that Durex Party Pack.

1:32:10 Drew We gave it to him.

1:32:11 Adam I've given out several hundred of those already. Nathan?

1:32:14 Hello?

1:32:15 Adam You're 20? Yeah.

1:32:17 Caller Hi. How's it going, guys?

1:32:18 Drew Good. What's up?

1:32:18 Adam Good, buddy. What's happening?

1:32:20 Caller I have a question. I want to ask Dr. Drew if he knows anything about adding too much sex and balding, if it's related in any way?

1:32:27 Drew No. No. Balding is a genetically set up program. If you're going to be bald or not, there's medicines, Propecia and Rogaine, and things you can take to do it to delay or prevent the loss. But that's it.

1:32:41 Adam What about the fact that they say it's related to that hormone?

1:32:47 Drew Testosterone.

1:32:48 Adam Testosterone. And maybe guys with thinning hair have more sex because they have higher testosterone levels?

1:32:58 Drew They're genetically programmed to respond to the testosterone by losing the hair.

1:33:02 Adam It's not that they have more testosterone.

1:33:04 Drew It's just how their body responds to it.

1:33:06 Adam It's really like anything else. It's like being allergic to something. It's not that you're exposed to it. It's how you react when you're exposed to it.

1:33:15 Drew And so the testosterone blocking agents help, but it helps how those bodies who are losing the hair react to testosterone. Alright.

1:33:22 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Well, that's show, y'all. We'll give some thanks for thanks are due.

1:33:57 Caller I want to thank Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior producer Lauren, doing a great job.

1:34:05 Adam Call me at home, remind me, give me a heads up on the directs thing. I don't get paid for it. It's awesome. I want to thank producer Ann for doing a fantastic job all night and all week. I want to thank engineer Michelle for putting up with our sexually insensitive and inappropriate comments regarding her sexual proclivity. I thank engineer Anderson for his vitriolic hate for engineer Michelle.

1:34:33 Drew And you?

1:34:34 Adam Me too. I want to thank, who else Drew?

1:34:38 Drew Patricia.

1:34:39 Adam Patricia for doing a great job screening all week. I got in. I get Curtis in there.

1:34:44 Caller Rick, Marcus.

1:34:46 Adam Oh, Marcus, Rick and Marcus.

1:34:48 Caller Yeah, doing a wonderful job and an engineer Anderson.

1:34:51 Adam Yeah, so until next time, Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew is saying mahalo.

1:34:55 Drew 100 micrograms of ethanol estradiol, which is-

1:34:58 Caller Ethanol estradiol.

1:34:59 Drew It's the progesterone. Y'all get in the house. It's the levonorgestrel.

1:35:04 Caller And where is the levonorgestrel?

1:35:06 Drew Or the northendrung.

1:35:08 Caller Northendrung. Put that whiffle ball back down.

1:35:11 Caller Come in the house.

1:35:13 Caller Get your behind.

1:35:14 Caller I'm sick of these kids, man.

1:35:18 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:35:22 Adam The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, September 8, 2005