Episode 1000724338111

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:04 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

1:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:10 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:17 Adam With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Crawl...

1:22 Voiceover That's Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Dr. Drew, board certified physician, diction medicine specialist, dedicated father, family man, and all around passionate, passionate man. Andy Milonakis. The hottest face, the new face of cable television. Andy Milonakis in studio tonight from the Andy Milonakis show on MTV. Of course, 1030 Sunday nights. Andy, it's, I got to tell it. I got to be honest, because I'm technically one of the producers of the Andy Milonakis show, even though I really have no involvement either creatively or emotionally.

2:03 Drew Well, emotionally I notice you do, though.

2:05 Adam Well, I'm pulling for the kid.

2:07 Drew It's kind of.

2:08 Adam What do you mean?

2:09 Drew He was sort of bewildered by the fact that his genius wasn't received, your genius wasn't received the way Andy's was.

2:16 Adam My genius, what do you mean? My genius is always well received.

2:19 Drew I'm just saying.

2:20 Adam All I'm saying is, is when my team talked to me about originally doing the Andy Milonakis show, I said, knock yourselves out.

2:28 Good luck.

2:29 Adam I'll be over here in LA. I'll see you guys in New York.

2:32 Andy Milonakis Thanks for the support.

2:33 Adam Well, I didn't sabotage the show.

2:36 Drew Didn't say no.

2:36 Adam I didn't say no. I said, I said, have fun.

2:40 Drew Says great idea. I'll be doing no work.

2:42 Adam I didn't even say it was a great idea. I just said, I'll be doing no work. I'll be over here doing my home improvement show. So lo and behold, a few weeks, few months goes by and then the show premieres and it's like, it's a hit. It is a hit. Milonakis is doing great. I don't know. MTV still hasn't said where they picked up the second season or not though, right?

3:04 Andy Milonakis No, because they don't.

3:05 Adam Yes. Yeah. Pull that mic up to your-

3:09 Andy Milonakis To my mouthpiece.

3:10 Adam Yeah.

3:10 Andy Milonakis What up, what up, son?

3:11 Adam There you go.

3:12 Andy Milonakis Bronx represent.

3:13 Adam Andy, just to get a little back story in on Andy, for those of you who didn't hear me talking about it the other night, Jimmy discovered Andy when somebody discovered Andy and showed it to Jimmy.

3:23 Drew On his website.

3:24 Adam Yeah. Let me explain how TV works. You don't actually discover anything. You have a group of people that are paid to discover stuff for you, and they discover stuff and they give it to you, and then you go, that's when I discovered. You know what I mean? Someone had found the found of youth, they gave it to Ponce de Leon and said, here you go.

3:38 Drew Ponce de Leon didn't actually sail the ship himself.

3:44 Andy Milonakis To be fair, he did give credit to him on the live show. He said Bill Simmons found this kid and brought him to me.

3:49 Adam Bill Simmons, who's a great sports writer. Well, I've never read any of his stuff because I don't believe in reading, but there's an example of a guy who is a good friend of mine. I've never read a thing he's written, so there we go.

4:01 Drew So I'm in a good company there.

4:04 Adam So Bill found Andy on the internet singing The Super Bowl is Gay, which, if you haven't seen it, rivals only MacArthur Park. It's one of the great songs of our time. He's singing The Super Bowl is Gay. Well, do a little.

4:19 Andy Milonakis Give us a little bit. You did a good reference of what he called... No, at the Weenie Roast, you took the guitar from me and you sung the song from me. At the Weenie Roast?

4:30 Adam Oh, I did, yeah.

4:31 Andy Milonakis Yeah, back in the day.

4:32 Adam You know what's nice about... Normally, here's the thing. When you do a show, you're not drunk, but when someone else films you for their show, oftentimes, I'm drunk, like at the Weenie Roast. So it's funny when people describe what I did back to them.

4:43 Drew The only time you're not drunk is when we're doing this show. So...

4:46 Adam That's what I'm saying.

4:47 Drew Yeah.

4:47 Adam We weren't doing this show.

4:48 Drew Right. So you were drunk.

4:49 Adam Point is, is Andy did the Super Bowl as gay. It was brought to Kimmel's attention. Jimmy, to his credit, immediately fell in love with Andy.

4:59 Drew Put him on his show.

5:00 Adam Put him on his show. I think America shared Jimmy's feelings about Andy, but the suits over...

5:09 Drew Short-sighted.

5:10 Adam Short-sighted suits.

5:11 Drew Lack of creativity.

5:12 Adam Network suits did not have the creative...

5:17 Drew Insight.

5:18 Adam Insight to see that Andy, to see that Andy had legs.

5:22 Andy Milonakis F them.

5:23 Adam F the suits. So it's all right.

5:25 Drew No, they did you a favor.

5:27 Adam They did you a favor, man.

5:28 Drew Everything happens for a reason.

5:29 Adam That's what I believe. It does. Yeah. So Andy got nipped, but that's all right because Andy landed on his feet over MTV.

5:36 Drew Same guys did Jimmy and Adam a favor by not putting the Man Show on ABC.

5:39 Adam That's true.

5:40 Drew Same guys. Suits.

5:40 Adam Suits favored. Suits favored us, too, man.

5:42 Drew Huge favor.

5:43 Andy Milonakis Back them anyway.

5:44 Adam So now Andy's on MTV and the world is a buzz. That's all I can say. Drew's kids came in to see Andy.

5:52 Drew When was the last time the kids came in to meet a guest?

5:55 Adam I think Spongebob.

5:58 Drew I don't know.

5:59 Adam Who came in? Who came in?

6:00 Drew I can't remember the last time.

6:01 Adam Never. Right?

6:02 Adam Oh, oh. I know.

6:03 Adam You know, it was about six years ago. Oh, you know what it was? Insane Clown Posse. Your kids were only five at the time. The huge Violent J fans.

6:11 Drew Let's hear it, Violent J.

6:12 The only weight I lift is my own.

6:14 Adam My big fat ass every day when I wake up. That was pretty good. Oh my God.

6:22 Hey, play that again.

6:24 Adam You're fancy.

6:25 Andy Milonakis That's some tough competition right there.

6:27 Drew They're good for kids, those guys. No, you know what? It was Matthew Lillard. The boys came in to see him without a paddle.

6:32 Andy Milonakis Scooby Doo?

6:32 Adam Scooby Doo. Yeah, Scooby Doo. All right, so Andy, I'm sorry I've been doing all the talking.

6:40 Andy Milonakis It's all good in the hood.

6:41 Adam Do you have anything to say?

6:42 Drew By the way, Adam, I'm not sure Andy came in here expecting you not to talk.

6:47 Adam All right, well, I didn't want to seem like an ass.

6:49 Drew Just saying.

6:49 A bigger ass.

6:51 Adam Yeah. How has this changed your life, Andy?

6:54 Andy Milonakis Well, I don't know. I'm really lazy.

6:59 Drew Adam, keep talking.

7:00 Adam Oh, he's lazy. Wait a minute.

7:01 Drew Why are you guys from Relay?

7:02 Adam I love affairs about to start with me and Andy.

7:05 Andy Milonakis I just, it seems like the better I'm doing career-wise, the lazier I become.

7:09 Drew Now wait a minute. There's a-

7:11 Adam Keep going.

7:12 Drew Separated birth.

7:13 Andy Milonakis So, like, you know, I, instead of going to cash my, instead of going to put my money in the bank and waiting for my checks to clear and doing all that, I like, a lot of times I go to check cashing places because I don't want to wait for it to clear and my phone gets shut off because I don't pay the bill and then I go on a sprint four days later after everybody's ripping their hair out and saying, where the hell's Andy?

7:34 Adam Well, MTV doesn't give you checks anyway, do they?

7:38 Andy Milonakis No, they pay me in cash, so give me cash on the table.

7:41 Adam Yeah, we didn't pay in anything.

7:43 Drew Strangely, that's what's going on with Andy. You just mentioned that.

7:46 Adam Yeah, but he's the next Osborns. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. All right, so people stopping you, people recognizing you in public, all that stuff. It's just crazy what a springboard MTV can be.

8:00 Drew How's it going through an airport now?

8:01 Andy Milonakis It's, the airport, the worst is when, like, the airport security, like, if it's someone randomly at an airport, it's cool, but it's security when I have, like, my shoes off.

8:11 Drew They're shaking you down.

8:12 Andy Milonakis They're like, yeah, they're putting their hand underneath my belt and, like, touching me in weird places saying, hey, how's that dog will be doing? Hey, when you went up to that person, you said you were Jesus and eating the blood of Jesus. That was really funny. I'm like, can you stop touching my balls, please?

8:27 Adam Now he's talking to you, Drew.

8:28 Put your shoe back on.

8:31 Adam Yeah, that's, anyone who hasn't seen the show, should know that Andy is, well, he looks like a terrorist.

8:40 Andy Milonakis I do.

8:40 Drew It's the profile.

8:41 Andy Milonakis They flagged my name because it was Milonakis. The guy was like, I thought he was giving me my props. He's like, oh, they got this airport security. He's like, oh, Milonakis, you're Greek, right? You're Greek, right? I'm like, yeah. He's like, come over here. You've been tested. You've been checked for special screening.

8:57 Drew Special screening.

8:59 Adam Yeah.

8:59 Andy Milonakis Special screening means that we get to make out with an old guy for 10 minutes.

9:03 Adam I got the special screen. I shouldn't talk about the drugs in front of your kids. Someone put a joint in my bag. Oh, actually, I put a joint in my bag. Yeah, actually, someone put it in Adam Corolla. But somebody gave it to Adam Corolla, and Adam Corolla put it in his bag. And then I got pulled out for special screening, and I freaked out. But I was cool. Freak out. Freak out, baby. All right. Andy Milonakis in studio. We will go to the phone. I love you guys. We love you too, Andy.

9:29 Drew He's not going to take the listeners.

9:30 Adam Oh. Zeke? Doesn't matter. I still stand by my statement. Zeke? You're 23?

9:38 Caller Yeah.

9:39 Adam What's up?

9:42 Caller I've been dating this girl now since May of 04. And she got, she, we broke up for five, six months or so in the middle, like in August of 04 till January of this year. And then in February she got pregnant.

10:04 Adam Hold on a second. I don't like everyone with the month thing because it makes me calculate.

10:09 Drew None of that it makes you sound like a veteran from World War II.

10:12 Adam Approximately 1700 hours of-

10:15 Drew May 3rd, 042.

10:16 Adam May 3rd, 0441 hundred hours.

10:19 Adam We just engaged in intercourse. We then re-engaged approximately 1400 hours of the same year at Ford.

10:28 Drew It also makes me think, because the guy has a bogus cadence, it makes me think his specificity is going to be about dates. That's why he's going to make us think he's being specific.

10:36 Adam He may be talking about her pregnancy on here. That's why he's laying the groundwork. Proceed, Proceed, soldier.

10:47 Caller I apologize about the dates and everything.

10:50 Adam You guys broke up for a few months. She got pregnant and you're not sure if it's your kid or if it's someone else's kid.

10:56 Caller We broke up and then we got back together right about the same time she broke up with the other guy.

11:05 Adam Right, right. Now she's pregnant. What I said, what I said. Exactly what I said, right?

11:12 Caller You're right. Exactly.

11:13 Adam Let me be quiet.

11:14 Drew So, what's the question?

11:15 Adam How can you tell if it's his kid or the other guy's kid? And do you have to be born to tell if it's his kid or someone else's kid? You couldn't get a little...

11:24 Drew Because anything you do that disrupts the placenta or the sack or the child is endangering the pregnancy.

11:32 Adam Even like a chopstick or something?

11:33 Drew Even a chopstick.

11:34 Andy Milonakis Why can't they do like, you know, the sonar? What's it called?

11:38 Drew Ultrasound.

11:38 Andy Milonakis Ultrasound. Why can't they, if they do those pictures in color, you can see what color the baby is inside.

11:44 Drew Is this that issue?

11:46 Andy Milonakis No, I don't know. But just in general, it would be awesome if you could be like, we take a picture of the baby and it's kind of yellowish. So it's probably not his.

11:54 Adam Yeah. I don't see color, Andy. So I don't know what you're referring to. But if I was more racist, I would be laughing.

12:00 Andy Milonakis I think maybe you're colorblind.

12:02 Adam No, that's what I'm saying.

12:04 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

12:04 Adam Why did you think of why I wasn't racist?

12:06 Andy Milonakis I thought you were a little bit on the racist side.

12:08 Drew Yeah.

12:09 Andy Milonakis No, I am.

12:10 Drew He's just colorblind.

12:11 Adam He's colorblind. Oh, I hope it didn't come across like I wasn't racist. Hey, nigger.

12:16 Andy Milonakis Oh, please.

12:17 Adam Where did that come from?

12:19 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

12:20 Drew That offends me when it does. Dropped it out of context.

12:23 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

12:24 Adam Why did I say it in context?

12:26 Drew No, but I want to relive it.

12:28 Adam All right.

12:29 Drew Look, I'm telling you. Hey, come on.

12:33 Adam Kids are in studio tonight, Anderson. I'd fire Anderson, but I'm leaving. You just you just live with them for another 10 years. It'll be awesome. So where were we?

12:42 Drew I'm a rapist. Yeah, yeah.

12:46 Adam What the hell is that? I'm not done with Zeke.

12:48 Drew Hey, Zeke, he has a question.

12:50 Adam Yeah, you don't have a question. So this is either bogus or you're stupid. Go ahead.

12:55 Caller It's not really. It's a question, but I need I need somebody's advice and I don't really have anybody else to talk to.

13:00 Drew Well, get to the question.

13:02 Andy Milonakis You talk to me.

13:03 Caller What I'd like to do, what I'd like to know anyway is, I mean, I've been with the girl now since she became pregnant again, or pregnant for the first time and then.

13:15 Drew What was that? I missed what you said.

13:17 Adam I don't know. Ask the question, Nimrod.

13:20 Caller Okay, what I want to be with the girl and I really want the baby to be mine.

13:25 Drew Well, that's not something you're going to wish or you can pretend if you want, not check it out. Just behave as if.

13:29 Adam Make it your kid.

13:30 Drew That's fine.

13:31 Adam Your dad.

13:31 Caller You know, as soon as the baby's born, I'm going to get it tested.

13:34 Drew Why? If you want it to be yours, go ahead and let it be yours. It's fine. Just behave as if. That's fine. It's an admirable thing to do.

13:39 Adam People are on a long waiting list to adopt.

13:42 Drew Yeah.

13:42 Adam It's not their kid.

13:44 Drew Assume it's yours. Just make that assumption. It's somebody you really care about. You want to make a commitment. Go ahead. That's great.

13:49 Caller OK. But the guy who possibly could be the father would be somebody that if I saw on the street one day, I would want to break every bone in his body kind of thing.

13:59 Drew Why? She wasn't dating you when she was saying him.

14:02 Caller You know, she broke up with me to see him again.

14:05 Adam All right. First off, you should break every bone in her body and then your own body, if that's possible, Drew. I think you have to leave your arm bone intact so you can keep breaking other bones.

14:13 Drew No, you just keep walking under anvils or something. Oh, OK.

14:16 Adam Smart. The point is, Zeke, this chick's chaotic, obviously. You're angry at this guy. This guy's just getting laid.

14:24 Drew It's rare that we find a guy doing this. This is usually a white trash female thing.

14:28 Adam It's the domain of a white trash chick. But whatever it is, I don't trust this girl. I certainly don't trust you. I don't think you're ready to be a father. She's chaotic. She's acting out. But regardless of whose child it is, and I don't think you're going to recognize a guy in the street unless he's a spitting image of your kid when you're walking with a guy down the street. You know the guy?

14:48 Caller Yeah, I've met the guy several times. I know his face. I know everything about the guy. Yeah.

14:54 Drew Well, let's let it go. What is that going to put you in jail, for God's sakes? It's not his fault. He didn't do it to attack you.

15:01 Andy Milonakis Just go up to him and ask him, are you my baby daddy?

15:05 Drew Daddy, baby.

15:06 Adam Thanks. Hey, Zeke. Look, here.

15:10 Drew And he's made for this show.

15:11 Adam Let me. Let me. We certainly has to build for it. Let me say this. You're not supposed to be a dad at 23 because you're an idiot. But if you are going to be a dad at 23, you have to put everything aside.

15:25 Drew That's it.

15:26 Adam That's it.

15:26 Drew He's got to dedicate his life to that, which is still not going to be enough.

15:30 Adam No, he's going to be a horrible father. But just go ahead and attempt to do that. But you can hear it. The guy's 23 is nowhere near ready to be a father.

15:37 Drew I would not have him raising the answers.

15:38 Andy Milonakis I think you should convert to Hare Krishna.

15:41 Drew Really?

15:41 Andy Milonakis Move into the hills.

15:42 Drew I was going to say that.

15:43 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

15:44 Adam Or just move it.

15:44 Andy Milonakis He's quoting, Dr. Drew is quoting the show.

15:46 Adam Just move into the hills.

15:47 Andy Milonakis Out of the closet.

15:48 Adam Drew, imagine what you would have done to screw up those beautiful kids of yours if you'd raised them when you were 23.

15:53 Drew Oh my God. Yeah. No way.

15:55 Adam No way.

15:56 Drew You couldn't raise a lizard.

15:57 Adam No. No. Veronica?

16:01 Yeah.

16:01 Adam You're 16?

16:03 Caller Huh?

16:03 Adam You have a question for Andy?

16:06 Caller Yeah. Um, I actually want to know if they're signing Andy up for another season.

16:13 Caller Oh my God.

16:15 Andy Milonakis We probably probably are. We're doing pretty good. There's a lot of press coming in and stuff. We don't have the official, official, super, super official email or anything. But so far, it looks pretty good.

16:28 Adam Here's how MTV works. They give you a date and you agree on that date and that date is, here's when we have to tell you whether we pick up the show or not by five o'clock. And no matter how successful the show is, they'll tell you at five o'clock.

16:42 Drew And remember it wasn't five o'clock. It's usually like nine o'clock.

16:44 Adam LA time. It's two in the morning where they're out. Actually, I have a guy set his alarm to wake up at two a.m. to tell you the show's been picked up even though it's doing great numbers. But that's the way they do it. They won't tell you in advance because they don't have to.

16:58 Andy Milonakis I have a gun to my head and I'm just waiting to see.

17:01 Drew Veronica, what's your favorite part of the show?

17:03 Caller Oh, I like the part when Snoop Dogg slaps him.

17:09 Andy Milonakis I like the part when Snoop Dogg slaps you, miss. That's rude.

17:14 Caller I like the part when that one stranger guy where you're saying, thanks for not stabbing me. So funny and he's going to hit you.

17:23 Andy Milonakis Oh, you like when I get hit, basically. So you want to see me harmed.

17:26 Drew You're in harm's way, at least.

17:27 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

17:28 Drew Oh, somebody else there?

17:29 Caller You know, actually, I had a... Has anybody ever tried to, like, hit you?

17:35 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

17:35 Caller Have they ever, like, have they hit you?

17:38 Andy Milonakis There's only one time on the show that I got hurt, and some little thug, who's probably at your party right now, threw a bottle of soda at my head. And luckily, it was a plastic bottle, but it was full of soda, and it smacked me in the head. And, you know, I guess it hurt, but then I kind of was proud that I didn't piss someone off that much, that I was like, I think I'm doing something right.

18:01 Adam Yeah, it was a plastic bottle.

18:02 Andy Milonakis It was a plastic bottle of soda, but it was full, and it hit me from, like, across the street. And luckily, it was Dr. Pepper, because that's what I drank, so I picked it up, and I poured a little out to my homie, Big L, who died.

18:13 Drew Big L?

18:14 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

18:15 Adam He got hit by Mr. Pibb bottle some years ago. Let me tell you, a bottle can kill you.

18:22 Drew Adam got hit over the head with a beer bottle.

18:24 Andy Milonakis Really?

18:24 Drew Well. And then he turned around and took on five more guys.

18:27 Adam Well, it's awesome. Yeah. No, I had a beer bottle broken on me, but it was broken on my shoulder, but it was thrown at me.

18:34 Andy Milonakis It wasn't a prop candy glass.

18:36 Adam No, it's regular glass, regular beer bottle. Just broke, just right. That didn't even do anything. But I was on stage in, like, Minnesota once.

18:45 Drew A Jaeger bottle.

18:46 Adam Talking to a group of 30,000 people in one of those miniature Jaeger-Meister bottles made of, yeah, it's about, well, it only holds a teaspoon of Jaeger-Meister, but the glass is three inches thick all the way around. Well, some guy threw it from about 100 yards back and went sailing two inches from my head and hit the drum kit. You know, it's the kind of thing where you just sort of laugh it off, except for if it hit you in the head, I'd be a vegetable right now. Well, actually, I wouldn't be a vegetable because my family would have pulled the plug and collected on insurance.

19:11 Drew Long ago.

19:11 Adam Oh, I'd say day number one. They would have been the only occurrence where the family was arguing with the doctor. Pull the plug. And the doctor was saying, no, listen to reason. Not yet. We saw him move. Could have just been gas.

19:26 Andy Milonakis What if it hit you and the Jaeger dripped down to your mouth and it would have like a Popeye eating spinach reaction and you jumped on it?

19:33 Adam That would be awesome. Yeah. Yeah. This is a lie about Popeye. He would just be on desk doorstep and then some spinach would just sort of trickle into his pipe, not even into his mouth. He'd suck it over to his pipe. He'd use a pipe like a can opener. He'd use it like a silly straw.

19:52 Andy Milonakis And then all of a sudden, boom, doodledoodoo, huge muscles popping.

19:58 Andy Milonakis You start walking and hitting on the ugliest girls immediately. Instead of like beating fools up. Right.

20:03 Adam Yeah, I pop up, I get my ass kicked, but I hit on some really fat chick and then vomit and pass out in a port of sand. Yeah, it'd be awesome. Jaeger Man, write that down.

20:14 Andy Milonakis I will.

20:14 Drew The next season.

20:15 Andy Milonakis Season two, baby.

20:15 Adam Season two, baby.

20:16 Drew I think that's the film version.

20:19 Adam Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

20:20 Drew Yeah, it's the feature.

20:21 Adam No, it's theatrical release. And you're not playing the dad in it either, Drew.

20:25 Andy Milonakis Mark?

20:26 Caller Yes, sir.

20:27 Adam 27? You're recovering attic.

20:30 Caller I am.

20:32 Drew What's going on?

20:33 Adam You worried about your 10 year old?

20:34 Caller Yep.

20:35 Adam All right.

20:36 Caller What's the question? I want to say, Corolla, you're the funniest man in America.

20:40 Adam Oh, thanks.

20:41 Caller By far. No, not getting there, though.

20:43 Andy Milonakis So thank you, sir.

20:44 Adam Yeah. He's a man child, though.

20:47 Caller I've been out of rehab for about, oh, eight months now. And I heard Drew say that, you know, the gene, what, 50% that he'll get it?

20:56 Drew About 50%. The only time I see it more than 50% is if you have Cherokee and North American Indian.

21:03 Caller How about South Talk?

21:05 Drew Yeah, the Indians, the Southeastern Indians tend to be a little more higher degree of penetrance than 50-50.

21:10 Caller Isn't that usually alcoholism?

21:12 Drew Yeah, but it's all the same.

21:13 Adam It's all the same thing. How about the passion gene, Drew? Yeah, I see your kids here tonight. One of them is going to have that passion gene.

21:21 Drew Passion for life. Yeah, for life. The deal is, though, the most important thing for you in terms of your kids, the probability of him getting disease or having a problem with it, is you in recovery. Right. That's the number one, that nothing else matters compared to that. If he has the gene, he has it. If it expresses itself, it does. Nothing you can do about that. But you being in recovery successfully will diminish the consequences of that. No, the consequence will be less and he'll come to treatment more easily.

21:46 Adam Define having the gene and then if it doesn't express itself, how do you know if you ever have it or do you?

21:51 Drew You kind of know. People know.

21:53 Adam Because they never drink, but they're in a skydiving.

21:56 Drew Right, exactly. Or race car drivers or something.

21:58 Caller But I don't know if there's any kind of counseling I can give him at this age.

22:02 Drew Absolutely. Absolutely. To keep things as sort of healthy as possible, by all means get him a therapist. That's a great thing.

22:09 Adam Well, wait a second. First off, he's calling from Tulsa.

22:13 Drew Yeah.

22:13 Adam You think they even have Jews there?

22:15 Drew No.

22:16 Adam There's no way there's going to be a therapist. I can picture a therapist. He's like sitting on a pig. Hey, you got to stop blaming your parents to sip off a jug.

22:25 Drew Where do you think Dr. Phil came from? He came from that heritage down there in the South.

22:28 Adam All right. But listen to that big jackass.

22:31 I'll tell you what, you will lose weight.

22:33 Adam You got to stop eating so much. Where's the applause? Where's that? That's it.

22:38 Adam Is that in your book?

22:39 Adam Put that in your book. That's awesome stuff. Awesome.

22:42 Adam What do you say about eating?

22:43 Drew Stop. Stop. Cut down.

22:45 Adam Cut that down.

22:46 Adam Okay. Okay.

22:47 Adam Mark.

22:48 Caller Yeah.

22:49 Adam What are you doing for work?

22:51 Caller What am I doing for work?

22:52 Drew Oh, right now.

22:53 Adam That's right up there with right now. See, when you hear that, what would you rather hear, Drew?

22:58 Drew No, let's do it like that.

22:59 Adam Your young daughter's here tonight. Eventually, she'll bring a man home.

23:02 Drew Yes.

23:03 Adam And hopefully not for about 30 years. You'll be dead. But the point is, she'll bring a man home and you'll say, What are you doing for work now, son? What are you doing for a living? And now, which answer would you like to hear?

23:14 Drew I can tell you which one.

23:15 Adam Okay, so I'll give the two and you tell me.

23:17 Drew Well son, what are you doing for work right now?

23:19 Adam Well Drew, you can't say both the answers, you idiot.

23:22 Drew You say, What are you doing right now, son?

23:24 Adam Now you can't even say right now. You're using, you can't incorporate the answer into the question.

23:29 Drew What are you doing for work, son?

23:30 Adam Say, so what are you doing?

23:32 Drew What are you doing, son?

23:34 Adam Well, right, right now, okay?

23:36 Drew That's one. Well son, what are you doing?

23:39 Adam What am I doing for work?

23:42 Drew Yeah, that's the one I don't want.

23:43 Adam You don't want that?

23:44 Drew Because that's the sociopath answer.

23:47 Adam Okay, what if the guy combines it to, what am I doing for work, Will, right now?

23:53 Drew That's when I chomp down on that cyanide pill. That's right then, that's it, that's the one.

23:58 Adam If you never hear, Will, right now, I'm a Secretary of Treasury. Electrical engineer, I'm working skunk work division over.

24:06 Andy Milonakis What's worse, what are you doing for work? Well, right now, or I work in a peep show cleaning stalls?

24:15 Andy Milonakis Peep show cleaning stalls.

24:16 Drew That's a good point, Andy.

24:18 Adam That's true.

24:18 Drew Yes, because you know what you're dealing with.

24:20 Adam But there's no deception.

24:21 Drew Yes, you know what you're dealing with.

24:21 Adam Here's a guy who's not hanging his head.

24:24 Drew I'll take the right now.

24:24 Andy Milonakis I'm proud of his job.

24:25 Drew I'll take the right now. Because right now, at least implies an acknowledgement that they should be working and are thinking about it. Right now, right now, meaning, and then it's always, and here's what I'm going to do. Right now.

24:35 Andy Milonakis They're insecure about their station.

24:36 Drew Right now, I'm at Arby's, but I'm going to be an orthopedic surgeon.

24:39 Andy Milonakis Right now, I'm at Arby's cashier. Soon, I will be manager at Arby's.

24:44 Adam Right.

24:44 Drew Yeah, that's probably more truthfully, right?

24:47 Caller All right.

24:49 Drew Let's get line six. And a break.

24:56 Adam Michael.

24:57 Caller Yes.

24:57 Adam You're 24.

24:58 Caller Yes.

24:59 Adam What's up?

25:00 Caller Yeah, I got a question for Andy.

25:02 Drew Yes.

25:04 Caller I wanted to know, first of all, I got bees on my head, but don't call me a bee head.

25:08 Andy Milonakis Oh, you stop it, boy.

25:09 Caller You stop it. I got peas on my head, but don't call me a pea head.

25:13 Andy Milonakis Oh, keep going. Keep going. I have such a big ego. Keep doing it.

25:17 I love it.

25:18 Caller I got Bruce Lee on my head, but don't call me a bee head.

25:21 What else?

25:22 Andy Milonakis What else?

25:24 Caller It's my show. I'm a shmandy, smell of smockers.

25:26 Andy Milonakis You forgot words.

25:28 Caller Oh, I'm sorry.

25:29 Andy Milonakis It's all right.

25:30 Caller I got a question, though, Andy.

25:32 Andy Milonakis What's up?

25:32 Caller All your co-stars, like the old man and the black guy that's your friend.

25:38 Andy Milonakis He's Dominican.

25:40 Caller Excuse me.

25:42 Adam Do we still call him African American?

25:44 Drew No, not Dominican.

25:45 Caller Excuse me.

25:46 Adam Yeah, see, that's the problem. That's why I go with the blacks.

25:49 Caller Yeah. The brother on your show, were they all your friends beforehand or did they get set up with you through MTV?

26:01 Andy Milonakis First, you have to answer my question. How many joints have you smoked tonight?

26:05 Caller None tonight. I'm getting drug tested, so I can't smoke any for a while.

26:09 Andy Milonakis Really? Now, they're actually, they're all real people. They aren't my friends or anything, but they're real people that we found on the street. Some of the producers just went around. We didn't want any actors. We just wanted like real people.

26:20 Caller You find them on the Lower East Side or?

26:22 Andy Milonakis Lower East Side.

26:23 Drew All of the guests?

26:23 Andy Milonakis All of the friends? All of the regulars are just real people that we found.

26:26 Drew So not friends here per se, ever?

26:28 Andy Milonakis No, no, not even now.

26:30 Drew What's your Frank? What's one guy?

26:32 Andy Milonakis Ralphie. Ralphie. Yeah, actually after we're done shooting, I make sure that they're not in the same room as me. Oh, really? And that they don't look at me in the eyes.

26:41 Adam I think people have the misconception like MTV goes out and does everything or does things. They don't do anything.

26:48 Drew Well, yes, they do. They monkey the monkey with every aspect of every choice.

26:52 Adam They tell you what's wrong with the show. That's about it. And they don't even necessarily do that if they like what they're seeing. But a company, our company, which I have nothing to do with, produces the show and then we hire people that are talented to create the show with Andy. MTV just sees the finished product may weigh in here or there, but it's the same thing they did with our show or just about any show.

27:18 Drew We didn't know how lucky we were, you and I.

27:20 Adam We didn't?

27:20 Drew How much do we, we had John Miller who rarely bothered us.

27:23 Adam Yeah, that's right. I mean, where's John Miller now?

27:26 Drew Not at MTV. I don't know where he is.

27:27 Adam All right. Timely reference center.

27:29 Drew But I'm just saying we had a guy that we liked who just didn't, but we didn't know anybody.

27:32 Andy Milonakis Well, for how weird the show is, I mean, I'm really surprised that they don't make us make it like more generic. Like there's just like so many shows on now that are reality shows and different kind of shows to have like a really weird sketch show. They let us get away with a lot in the weird factor.

27:47 Adam You know, and, and, you know, now that the show is what the show is, they're really going to get away or stand back and give you creative license. The hard part is at the beginning when there's no other show like it, and all you can do is try to compare it to other shows that came before it. And that's where the trouble starts. All right. All right. But now see, here's the point. You're now Andy Milonakis. So all you got to do is keep doing what you do.

28:16 Andy Milonakis I hope so.

28:18 Adam We'll take ourselves a quick break. Andy Milonakis in tonight for the Andy Milonakis show. Sunday nights, 1030, MTV.

28:25 Andy Milonakis Big Hit Top Selecta.

28:27 Adam We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

28:30 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191, Loveline, Loveline, with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

28:36 Caller We'll be right back.

28:37 Adam Ready for something new? Try Durex Tingling Condoms.

28:41 Andy Milonakis There's sex, and then there's Durex.

28:53 Adam Yeah.

28:56 Andy Milonakis Rock on!

28:57 Andy Milonakis Get it on!

28:58 Get it on, America!

28:59 Andy Milonakis Get it on!

29:01 Adam Yeah, get it on!

29:03 Yeah! Do it up!

29:05 Adam I tell you, man! Tell you, if we were having any more fun, I couldn't stand it and the law wouldn't allow it.

29:15 Adam I like guys who really bust themselves up. You know what I mean?

29:19 Adam Can't even...

29:19 Adam I like the guys who bust themselves up so hard, they can't get through their thought.

29:24 Adam If we were having any more fun, I couldn't stand it and the law... I guess what happened is, is you knew what you were going to say.

29:32 Andy Milonakis Right.

29:32 Drew You were funny.

29:33 Adam You pre-busted yourself up.

29:35 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

29:36 Adam Yeah.

29:36 Drew You were funny.

29:37 Andy Milonakis It's awesome.

29:40 Adam Andy Milonakis said in studio, you know, you're getting old when you can catch a nice buzz just by going, whoo, that was good.

29:48 Drew Just about some of us.

29:49 Adam Yeah.

29:50 Andy Milonakis I was exhaling the huffing of the paint that you just did.

29:53 Adam Yeah.

29:54 Drew He's a little bit of those inhalants and things that you put in your lungs.

29:57 Adam Well, he's mostly a cost copier toner guy.

30:00 Drew Well, right now.

30:00 Adam Does a whippeter too. Yeah. Andy Milonakis is from the Andy Milonakis show, MTV, 1030, Sunday night, runaway hit of the summer quite easily. We're talking a few seconds ago off the air about the whole New Orleans people stranded and 100,000 people and all that.

30:22 Drew This is the one to give money for.

30:23 Adam And Drew was- No, we're going to- Don't even bring it up. But go ahead. Tell us what you're saying 100,000 people left behind.

30:32 Drew Just I was saying, what is the matter with the people that didn't leave?

30:35 Adam I was saying, every newscaster, every, you know, you drive around, you listen to AM radio, and there's like, those people are giving warning after warning after warning, and they stayed behind and now they're paying the price and blah, blah, blah. And I was driving home listening to it last night thinking, yeah, what are those idiots doing? And then I realized I would have stayed. There's no way. Are you kidding me? I remember when we were in that hotel in Houston, the fire alarm went off.

30:59 Drew Oh, yeah. That's just flat out lazy.

31:01 Adam And you were down and at 330 in the morning, you were down in the lawn and you're under pants. And I was looking at you through the window, laughing because I never left it. I realized I would have never. And remember how my dog got bit by a rattlesnake a week ago? And two weeks before that, my wife said, we should get the dog trained so it doesn't go with the rattlesnakes. And I said, forget about it.

31:21 Drew That's all laziness. This is this is more than lazy because you at least I know you, you would have made provisions.

31:26 Adam I would have sandbagged the place and got a shotgun and been on the roof, but I wouldn't have left.

31:30 Drew You would have gone to the Super Bowl. You would have gone to the.

31:34 Adam Yeah, you heard of shooting the breeze. Have you not?

31:37 Andy Milonakis This is it.

31:37 Adam This is it. That's what they're talking about. People think it's like conversation. It's actually firing a shot.

31:42 Andy Milonakis Incoming from me, you stupid hurricane.

31:45 Caller Blah, blah, you know, you would have gone.

31:47 Drew You would have gone to the Superdome, the Astro, whatever the dome is there in the world. You would have gone in there and then you would come back to your house.

31:52 Andy Milonakis I wonder if they would have pumped up the crowds if they put on like sports music while they were in the Superdome like, yeah, you should have played some Gary Glitter.

32:02 Adam Now, ladies and gentlemen, 2005, Dumbasses!

32:13 Adam Laser show, a bunch of poor beleaguered people dragging their wet asses down to the Superdome floor.

32:19 Adam That would be awesome if they had that smoke pods going off.

32:22 Drew You would have, that would not have been you.

32:24 Adam I get them down on the field, let's get a hand in, come on, break it down, break it down.

32:29 Andy Milonakis Hurricane Katrina one, Hurricane Andrew on two.

32:33 Adam On the count of three, we'll get a hand in.

32:34 Adam All right, first off, no wind comes into our house. I do that comes into our house thing.

32:40 Adam On the count of three, next time, listen to the goddamn radio. One, two, three.

32:45 Drew Yeah, I just don't see them.

32:47 Adam I like it like a football rally.

32:48 Drew I agree with Andy. You see those orange bins there was floating people around in?

32:51 Adam Yeah.

32:52 Drew That would not have been you.

32:53 Andy Milonakis You throw the football and it goes backwards 100 yards. It hits a field goal.

32:57 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

32:59 Drew Would not have been you.

32:59 Adam But, Drew, how come, why does this, that hasn't happened in like 40 years, right?

33:04 Drew Hurricane like that?

33:05 Adam Yeah.

33:05 Drew Like 90 years or something, 100 years.

33:07 Andy Milonakis Oh, I heard 40.

33:08 Adam But point is, is they're below sea level.

33:10 Drew That's why all the- They've been obsessing about New Orleans getting a flood surge for as long as I can remember. I've seen specials on it.

33:18 Adam They're going to have gators. They're going to have nutrients and snakes and worse.

33:23 Drew Water moccasins.

33:24 Adam Well, but the worst predator ever, wet hobos. You know what that smells like? Do you know what a hobo smells like could dry?

33:33 Drew I know there's only maybe this maybe we'll finally achieve a 100 hobo power.

33:37 Adam Yeah. Andy, we've been toying for a long time with an increment of stink. You know what I mean? There's no measurement. There's measurement of wattage and BTUs and temperature and speed and horsepower.

33:51 Drew Everything is Richter scale.

33:52 Adam There's everything. No stink measurement. Just guys going, oh man, that's funky. Or, oh, come on, who beefed? You know what I mean? But no actual scale. It's like if you're trying to describe a car and you're just going, well, it's really got a lot of power. It's peppy. But no, I want to know, is it 500 horsepower or is it 200 horsepower?

34:12 Andy Milonakis You are a machine that actually gauges stink.

34:15 Drew Well, no, you could even be a judge of stink.

34:17 Adam No, I agree.

34:19 Adam I think it should be machine and the unit of measurement is hobo power.

34:23 Drew But now if the hobos get wet, well, it's just another measure.

34:27 Adam Put a zero behind whatever you have.

34:29 Drew See, the hobo power has certain sort of practical increments associated with it. 25 hobo power, very, very stinking.

34:35 Andy Milonakis Now, how much would you actually pay for the machine?

34:37 Drew 50, 50, you vomit. 50, 50, you vomit. At 100, it's only theoretically possible.

34:42 Adam No one's ever experienced it.

34:43 Drew The world might collapse at 100 hobo power. It's a theoretical measure.

34:47 Andy Milonakis Just like 10.0 and there are just one.

34:49 Drew Or like absolute zero or something.

34:51 Andy Milonakis Now, how much would you pay for that machine, number one? And number two, if something smelled really good, would it also go off or would you have to-

34:58 Adam Would we have minus hobo power?

35:00 Caller Yeah.

35:01 Drew Good question.

35:02 Adam Yeah.

35:03 Drew Like, no, no, because that's not, that's a unit of, of, of scent.

35:06 Adam But we find to run stuff through there.

35:07 Drew Like, yeah, see what it does. Try to trick it.

35:09 Adam I like to see how like Charlize Theron's dookie measured up against like Whoopi Goldberg's dookie, you know, to see if there was a difference. You know, we could actually start figuring and quantifying these things.

35:21 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

35:21 Adam And because I have theories.

35:22 Drew And then we had to figure out the meaning of all that was.

35:24 Andy Milonakis I have a theory that girls don't do number two.

35:26 Adam Oh, really?

35:27 Andy Milonakis Yeah. I don't like to admit that they do, at least.

35:29 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

35:30 Adam Smart. Drew would probably beg to differ.

35:32 Drew They lay marshmallows.

35:33 Andy Milonakis He's lived in a home with a field phone for a while.

35:36 Adam Jessica?

35:38 Caller Yes.

35:39 Adam What's up, baby doll?

35:40 Drew You can ask Jessica.

35:42 Caller Hello.

35:42 Adam Ask Jessica.

35:43 Andy Milonakis Ignorance is bliss.

35:45 Adam Go ahead, Jessica.

35:46 Caller Andy Milonakis.

35:48 Andy Milonakis What's up, girlfriend? What your number is?

35:51 Caller How's it going, boy? Why don't you talk to me out there?

35:53 Andy Milonakis You know, I see what you're saying, and I love it.

35:57 Drew She's from Laguna Beach.

35:58 Andy Milonakis Oh, nice.

35:59 Caller No, I'm not from Laguna Beach. I'm a little I'm a little north of Laguna Beach.

36:03 Drew Santa Ana.

36:04 Andy Milonakis Whatever.

36:05 Adam Go ahead.

36:06 Caller Anyway, it's like right around my time in a month and stuff, I get like almost manic. I get extremely like down or depressed.

36:14 Andy Milonakis And wait a minute, that that's not a good pickup line.

36:17 Drew That's not manic. That's depressed. That's the opposite of manic.

36:20 Adam Well, she's thinking of the depressive part of manic, like depressive.

36:23 Caller I'll go from being really happy. Everything will be going like fine. And I'll be like extremely happy. And then I'll hit a low point over something so petty, you know, and I'll be in the hysterics or whatever.

36:32 Drew There is the whole premenstrual.

36:33 Adam The only cure for that is testicles.

36:35 Drew Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

36:36 Adam Other than that, you're just a chick. That's what all chicks are.

36:38 Drew Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, right? And there are some hormonal interventions. So there's a new progesterone agent that's coming out soon that's like the pill, Yasmin. It's going to look good for premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

36:52 Adam You know we need to put the world scientists on, and now, and not only the hobo meter, but... Stop making all the drugs for the chicks to make the syndromes go away. Start giving stuff to guys to numb us.

37:03 Drew To tolerate.

37:04 Adam Yeah, yeah. What I mean is...

37:06 Drew So we don't care.

37:07 Adam Stop working on the dentist equipment and start working on the drugs for the patient. Do you know what I mean?

37:12 Drew Yes.

37:13 Adam I don't need a better drill. I need more Novocaine or better Novocaine.

37:16 Andy Milonakis Is your girlfriend's period bothering you? Try bitch away.

37:20 Adam Yeah, right. Something like that. Just whatever. You take a Quaalude, you mix it with a Rufy, you mix that with some Jägermeister, you take a Capful and everything just melts away. Hear that heart music.

37:31 Drew You can do that now, Adam, if you wish. But yeah, see. Okay. I'll see you at my unit.

37:35 Adam Done and done. Jessica?

37:37 Drew Jessica, so there are treatments, as you know, and of course the serotonin reuptake, inhibiting drugs like Prozac and whatnot have been shown to affect to help all this. Do you have bipolar disorder in your family?

37:46 Caller No. I used to use drugs when I was younger. Do you think that could have an effect?

37:50 Drew Absolutely. Was amphetamine one of the drugs?

37:52 Caller Yes.

37:53 Drew For sure. The amphetamine can leave behind some damage in its wake, and it's very common for people to need mood to stabilize the medication after that. So yeah, I would definitely look into it.

38:05 Adam Mariah?

38:06 Caller Yeah. Hi.

38:07 Adam 24?

38:08 Caller Yes, I'm 24.

38:09 Adam All right. Let me just jump in because we're running late for break, but you saw Drew's TV show.

38:16 Caller Right. All right.

38:17 Adam So this is the person that saw your show, Drew.

38:19 Drew This is her. Oh, good.

38:20 Adam We've been looking for a long time.

38:21 Andy Milonakis Finally.

38:21 Adam Another one. All right. So we found the person that saw Drew's show, and you think you may have body dysmorphic disorder. Yeah.

38:30 Andy Milonakis All right.

38:32 Adam Because you're-

38:34 Drew What's the symptom?

38:34 Adam Not fat. You think you're fat?

38:37 Caller Yeah. I think it's affecting my marriage.

38:41 Adam All right. Hold on a second. Drew, what about all the people I know who are fat and don't think they're fat? Isn't that a disorder?

38:46 Drew We talked to a lot of those people on this show, especially, right?

38:49 Caller Yeah.

38:49 Adam We talked to chicks all the time. It's like, I haven't had a date in 21 years. Is anything wrong with you? No, I'm hot. How tall are you? Five foot. How much do you weigh? 205. Are you sure you're not carrying just a little? No.

39:02 Drew I'm healthy, but what are you going to say?

39:04 Andy Milonakis Someone told me I didn't look like Brad Pitt body physique wise yesterday, and I cried for three hours.

39:10 Adam Yeah.

39:11 Drew I make it different.

39:13 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

39:14 Adam Yeah. No, Andy is what we call stridated, long and lean like an African. And I imagine a huge penis.

39:23 Andy Milonakis Make it up, Selecta.

39:25 Adam We will take ourselves a little break, and then we'll come back. We'll speak to Mariah, who's 24 and has this body dysmorphic disorder.

39:34 Andy Milonakis I think you're hot.

39:45 Drew The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration wants to remind you to designate before you celebrate. If you plan on drinking, always have a sober designated driver.

40:09 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1. So, you know, Drew, it's so ironic and disgusting that you're spokesperson for Trojan. So I got to do all these direct things so far I don't get paid. Yeah, it's awesome for me. Because it's just be the one thing I would have you do, by the way.

40:28 Drew I'm sure.

40:31 Adam One lucky person I will win a Durex Party Pack. The Party Pack includes CDs, Poker Set, money, and Durex condoms. Each night of the week, we're going to pick the best caller of the evening. Drew, you at least do that. That will be the one thing you do.

40:47 Drew The most worthy for the common pack.

40:48 Adam Yeah, it's really the best or the worst. But you got to be 18 years of age or older, and you're going to get this Durex Party Pack. There's Sex, and then there's Durex, and then there's Andy Milonakis.

41:00 Andy Milonakis Sex, Durex, Andy Milonakis, Sex, Durex.

41:05 Adam Let's speed it up this time, Andy Milonakis.

41:09 Andy Milonakis It's like an organic improv practice.

41:11 Adam Really, it's like one of those, yeah.

41:13 Andy Milonakis Sex, Andy Milonakis, Durex, Sex, Andy Milonakis. I'm going to have a nightmare about that, by the way. And I'm going to wake up touching myself.

41:20 Adam I'm living mine, and I'm going to wake up touching Andy, too. God willing.

41:24 Andy Milonakis I can't believe we're having a sleepover tonight. That's so pimp.

41:27 Drew Well, you know. You told me that was a sleepover?

41:31 Adam Well, I didn't want to call it a 69.

41:33 Andy Milonakis Eyes Wide Shut, Part 2.

41:35 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

41:37 Adam Yeah, where you get pink eye. Hey, it's Loveline, everybody. Your kids have left yet, right?

41:42 Drew No, they're still the other ones. Oh, really?

41:43 Adam Whoops.

41:43 Drew The other ones.

41:45 Adam I got a question for Andy. Let's keep on keepin on.

41:47 Adam What do you say, here? Get it on?

41:48 Adam Yeah. Gotta get it on.

41:50 I got a question for Andy, real quick.

41:52 Adam I just want to know if you want to be a stand-up or how you became Andy Milonakis.

41:56 I'll hang up and listen to the question.

41:58 Adam Please. Do that tomorrow night, too, without asking the question.

42:01 Adam Thanks, buddy.

42:02 Adam Go ahead, Andy.

42:05 Andy Milonakis I did Computers for a Living. I saw a bunch of stupid websites that were like comedy, and I was like, all right, I can do this. I'll make a comedy website. I was bored. So I just bought a webcam, and I just started making really stupid videos. And I got a small following. I worked on a website with my friend, and I never really wanted to do comedy for a living, but I've just always been a huge fan of it. And then after I started doing it for like a year or two, making these really silly videos, I kind of wanted to do it more and more. And then I started taking like improv classes in New York and started doing live comedy and really started getting into it. I did stand up a little bit, but mostly like improv at Upright Citizens Brigade. Like we just did like 30 minute improv scenes. And then when I started really getting into it and really saying like, oh, I really like comedy, that's kind of when, you know, Jimmy found the video and it kind of all happened just like a perfect time.

42:59 Adam Are you over it now?

43:01 Andy Milonakis Yeah, I think I'm going to, you know, the Hare Krishna thing, I was saying that because it was in my head.

43:07 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

43:08 Adam I got to be honest with you, Andy. You're a little bit heavy set for Hare Krishna. I've never seen a Hare Krishna that wasn't just bone thin.

43:17 Andy Milonakis Yeah, but I have that disorder where I think I'm skinny.

43:20 Adam Oh, right. Sorry about that. Speaking of that, yeah. You don't see husky Hare Krishnas.

43:26 Drew It's because they convert them. They fix them.

43:27 Adam Is it all the tambourine playing or is it just malnourishment?

43:30 Drew Malnourishment, yeah, malnourishment.

43:32 Adam I'd love to see a 600-pound Hare Krishna.

43:36 Andy Milonakis You're about to. Oh, wait, I only weigh 590.

43:39 Adam You know what I'm saying? You got to get a razor and a deep dish pizza and you're there.

43:45 Andy Milonakis Let me keep eating this cake. Maybe I'll get up there before the show's over.

43:48 Adam Mariah?

43:49 Andy Milonakis Yes.

43:50 Adam So you're the one person that saw Drew's show.

43:53 Drew So I had an MTV VJ on my show who used to have a body dysmorphic disorder. He was treated by a guy at UCLA.

43:58 Adam Who was that?

43:58 Drew I forget his name now, of course.

44:00 Adam He was a dude?

44:01 Drew Yeah. And he had strange preoccupations about his face and a lot of stuff he was doing.

44:06 Andy Milonakis Michael Jackson?

44:06 Adam Yeah. And so now you think you may have that and you're married.

44:12 Drew How is it manifesting? How is it manifesting? How is it manifesting? What are your symptoms?

44:20 Caller Well, I'm sorry. I'm going blank. First of all, I'm on antidepressants. I'm on well-butrin. I just started taking Ritalin for attention problems. But I'm obsessing over my husband. I'm just completely obsessed with the fact that I think he's always looking at other women and probably not. But I'm about 5'6. I weigh about 125 maybe, but to me, I'm heavy. I don't have an eating disorder. I wish I could have an eating disorder, but I love food.

44:50 That's sick.

44:52 Adam Well, here's the thing about your husband. He may be looking at other women, but he's not going to do anything with that.

44:58 Drew That's normal for a 20-year-old male to be looking around. That's just in his biology.

45:02 Adam Yeah.

45:03 Drew But it doesn't mean he wants somebody more than you or has an intention to do anything.

45:06 Adam Well, he just doesn't think he can. Right?

45:10 Caller Yeah.

45:12 Adam You're fine, baby. Leave your husband alone. What's your husband do for a living?

45:16 Caller He's in the Army.

45:17 Adam Oh, okay. He can't do any better than you.

45:19 Drew Are you seeing a psychiatrist?

45:21 Caller I am as a psychologist and a psychiatrist, though.

45:24 Drew All right. Just follow the direction. You stay with it. They're skilled people. Let them do what they need to do. You sound fine. You sound comfortable right now. It's gonna work out.

45:31 Adam Yeah. A lot of these women with these guys, like, look, the guys in the Army is making $920 a month who let them look all they want. You ain't getting anything. You know what I mean?

45:42 Andy Milonakis Why don't you hang out with a lot of, like, fat girls and then you'll feel skinnier and better looking in comparison?

45:48 Adam Yeah, that's what I did in my 20s.

45:51 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

45:51 Adam Yeah.

45:52 Drew Made them feel good, didn't get any action.

45:54 Adam No, but yeah, you're seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. You're fine.

46:00 Drew That's good.

46:00 Andy Milonakis All right, let's see. Jennifer, quickly.

46:03 Adam What's UTI?

46:04 Drew Urinary tract infection.

46:05 Adam No, I thought that was a prep school or something.

46:08 Andy Milonakis I thought it was an agency.

46:09 Drew Well, there's a question there for it.

46:11 Adam Bowels during sex.

46:12 Andy Milonakis Oh, no.

46:13 Adam Drew, remember we had our guest question discussion in the last 20 seconds argument last week?

46:18 Drew Yes, I didn't notice that. Thank you. All right, buddy.

46:20 Adam Mike?

46:21 Caller Yo.

46:22 Adam 25?

46:22 Caller What's up?

46:23 Adam You have a problem with your bowels during sex?

46:25 Caller Yeah, that's right.

46:27 Adam Wow.

46:28 Caller Name's actually Paprika.

46:30 The girlfriend Koeman's down in the kitchen there.

46:34 Drew So you get the irritable bowel when you're sort of...

46:36 Come on, Corolla, you got that one?

46:39 Adam Huh?

46:39 Caller Big time listener.

46:40 That was your joke from last week.

46:42 Adam What was my joke from last week?

46:43 Caller The spices.

46:45 Adam Yeah, but what was I saying?

46:46 Andy Milonakis He has to be awake in order to hear jokes or references.

46:50 Adam Okay, well thanks. Hold on a second. Hold on. Let me just say this very quickly, as Drew knows. My jokes to me aren't really jokes. They're funny. So they don't go down as jokes. And sure as hell ain't no one laughing around here. So when people say, hey, that joke you told her, that bit you did last week, sure as hell didn't feel like a bit because A, I didn't think of it in advance. B, I was looking at Drew, who looks like a carved Indian in front of a cigar store. And then producer Anne, who just has a look like a grouper, like I'm at the aquarium looking at the giant sea bass. And engineer Chris had one eye facing toward Macca and the other eye looking at his fly. It doesn't feel like there's any comedy going on. It doesn't register my brain as actual comedy.

47:33 Drew It goes right past, too, we just move on.

47:35 Adam It didn't feel, so it's funny when people go, oh, you're doing that bit on, what bit? All right, hang on a second, Mike, though I do appreciate you at least acknowledging it and categorizing it as a joke. Speaking of funny, Andy Milonakis in GIO. Get It On. We'll take a quick break, we'll get back with Mike and his spouse after that.

47:53 Caller Alright, guys, here's the deal.

47:55 Andy Milonakis You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:59 One call is all you need to make.

48:00 Andy Milonakis Call the Dateline.

48:01 877-889-DATE.

48:03 Caller We'll call the Dateline.

48:06 Caller Love Line will be right back.

48:31 Caller Yeah!

48:33 Adam Get it on. Gotta get it on. Mandate.

48:38 Andy Milonakis Get it on.

48:40 Adam Yeah, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Andy Milonakis.

48:46 Andy Milonakis Hi. How are you guys doing?

48:49 Adam In studio tonight, Andy's show, The Andy Milonakis Show, can be found on MTV Sunday nights at 1030. And then I'm sure at other times on MTV, if I know MTV, and I've seen it on other times, on MTV, and I must say my show's on Comedy Central tonight.

49:07 Drew Oh wait, my show's on Discovery Health Channel tonight.

49:09 Andy Milonakis Oh, who cares?

49:11 Adam My show's on at 1130 on Comedy Central after the Daily Show.

49:15 Drew My show's on midnight on Discovery Health Channel after something about a thousand pound tumor or something.

49:20 Adam Yeah, oh, I saw that, I was scared to tune in on it.

49:24 Andy Milonakis I saw this show today about this girl who's born as like a mermaid. Her feet were like, her legs were together. And I was sleeping, I was taking a nap.

49:34 Caller Good man.

49:36 Andy Milonakis And I was like, I kept waking up to see if I was going to be late to this show.

49:39 Drew Oh, that's nonsense. He was touching himself.

49:42 Andy Milonakis And I kept waking up.

49:43 Adam He went down at noon too, which was the scary part.

49:45 Andy Milonakis It's so funny though, when you're watching a creepy show, it's so much creepier when you're in and out of sleep, when you're waking up to it. So I just kept on hearing this loud Spanish lady talking about her mermaid daughter. Her legs were closed together and it was kind of scaring me.

50:00 Adam She was from somewhere else, but they brought her to this country for surgery.

50:04 Andy Milonakis I think so. I think she's why I'm here.

50:07 Adam She's rode on Tom Hanks. Yeah. You know, I've said it many times, Drew, we have to start botching some of these separation surgeries with the conjoined twins or the mermaid people or any of this stuff so we can stop having the poorest countries of the world drop off all their freaks and have us then foot the bill to separate everybody. If you think about it, we have basically rolled out the red carpet to all third world nations. Bring us your freak shows. We'll go ahead and spend, we'll do the 17 hour multiple surgeries. It'll cost. Look, if you know, my hernia surgery was probably 20 grand. I could only imagine what it'd be like to get my skull split across my conjoined twin and we share the same brain and kidney.

50:50 Andy Milonakis You're trying to separate us in a much bigger spectrum, though.

50:53 Adam I'm all I'm all I'm saying is, is we're we're paying for this. You know who's paying for it?

50:59 Andy Milonakis Me.

51:00 Adam No, me.

51:01 Andy Milonakis Why not?

51:02 Adam Well, because you're on MTV.

51:03 Adam They don't really pay you. But eventually you'll get some endorsement deal over it like Pizza Hut. And then you'll be paying for it, too. Right now, I'm just paying for it. And Drew a little bit. You know what I mean? Yep. We can't afford this. We can't. We got our own problems. We got our problems in New Orleans. We have folks that don't have health insurance and have car insurers that don't have anything. They got no educational system. Look, you use something and get your kids apart. Leave them alone. You know what I mean? And then what happens? We get them apart? Then what? They hate us. That's right. That's how it works. And how about that? You don't hear any stories about people dropping people off to any other parts of the world and having them taken apart. All I'm saying is...

51:45 Drew They must take them to the Orient for the wisdom there.

51:47 Adam They rub herbs on their skulls. All we have to do is botch a couple of those surgeries, get on everyone's list of like, don't bring it to those guys, they'll screw you up. And then next thing you know, they're going to Europe. And they're doing it for free.

51:59 Drew Perfect.

52:00 Caller All right. Okay.

52:03 Adam And we need footage. We need footage. We need footage of them like prepping the whole thing and doing the whole thing. And the surgeon pulling Scalp out and just start repeatedly stabbing. Both ways.

52:11 Andy Milonakis Just take them to shock jocks instead of like a girl flashing. We're going to today on the show, we're going to separate these two people.

52:17 Drew No, I think so.

52:18 Adam Say it's 8 31, 31 30 hours, 29 away from 9 o'clock. We have traffic weather news and sports coming up at the top of the hour. We got the NDA twins in here. We're going to say we're going to go ahead and take them apart. They're connected to hip.

52:31 Adam They're connected to skull.

52:32 Adam They're connected to soul.

52:34 Andy Milonakis They're going to win free t-shirts.

52:37 Adam We're going to go to party pack free windbreakers coming out there. If they say the phrase, it pays.

52:42 Adam Yes?

52:42 Drew I just think the better way to do it would be to show it.

52:44 Adam It's true for Tuesday everybody. We've got September coming up to the surrounding corner. October can't be far behind. We've got a super set coming up from Uriah Heat. But first we're going to separate these conjoined twins. Pop pop. That's Monkey Boy in the background.

53:03 Adam He's awesome.

53:04 Adam Get out here, Monkey Boy.

53:06 Adam What's happening, Drew?

53:07 Drew I know the better way to do it. We're separating the legs. Here we go. Separating the legs. Hey, who? Separating the legs.

53:13 Andy Milonakis Do it like a magician.

53:15 Drew Well, you know, when he cloned the nose.

53:16 Adam Oh, yeah. There's a timely reference. It was made in 1967. Mike, thank you, buddy. Thank you for parroting back something I didn't know was funny from last week.

53:28 Caller There you go. You remember it now, right?

53:30 Adam No. What was it?

53:32 Something about paprika and cumin. Help me out here, Drew.

53:36 Drew I remember the references.

53:37 Adam Somebody had a funny name, maybe.

53:39 Drew I don't know. I can't remember. Something about Hungarian food, as I recall.

53:42 Caller No memory over there, huh?

53:43 No.

53:44 Andy Milonakis You said the paprika, but you said paprika in a funny way.

53:49 Adam Yeah, well, whatever it is. I'm a million miles away from here on an island.

53:53 I can't watch it because we got free cable over here and they don't let me tune in. There's a couple channels that don't come in, so I can't get you to go.

54:00 Adam Oh, my TV show?

54:01 Yeah, how's it doing?

54:02 Adam Uh, good. Not great, just good. Doing fine. Yeah.

54:09 Funny stuff, huh?

54:10 Adam Go ahead, Mike.

54:10 Well, you cracked me up, so I need to tune in and see what it looks like.

54:12 Adam Yeah, thanks, thanks. It's all right. It's a solid, it's a six and a half.

54:15 There you go.

54:16 Adam All right, Mike, we gotta keep moving, though.

54:17 Yep.

54:18 Drew All right. All right, thanks. All right, here we go. Well, they said, yeah, good nature about it.

54:22 Adam It's good nature to tune in. Yeah. Jennifer?

54:26 Hey.

54:27 Andy Milonakis You're 23?

54:28 Uh-huh.

54:29 Adam All right. So you got the uterine.

54:31 Andy Milonakis What?

54:31 Adam What is that, Drew?

54:32 Drew Urinary tract.

54:33 Andy Milonakis Oh, yeah. UTI.

54:34 Drew Bladder infections. That's right. That's right.

54:37 I'm just wondering because it recurs and it happens whenever my boyfriend goes down on me. And I've had it treated several times and it's still recurring.

54:47 Drew So he needs to sort of adjust his technique a little bit. So he doesn't do that to you. It's all about forcing bacteria up into that area.

54:53 Adam Oh man, I had an idea that's long overdue, but I could have really done this, you know, be diabolical.

54:58 Drew Some women have to take antibiotics every time they have sex. Some women take them chronically even when they're not having them. Just recurrent urinary infections are very, very common. Usually it's with intercourse, not with what you're describing so much. But whatever it is, it's something that applies enough for us to push bacteria up into the bladder.

55:13 Adam And that would be awesome, Drew. You could do this with your wife. You could do it with your kids. The adverse reaction or the negative reinforcement thing. I know this reminded me, but you know, I don't really look at performing oral on a woman as part of the love making act. I look at it as more of a chore. Duty and a chore. What I'm willing to do, just like all those other things as a guy, when you really break down your life, 90 to 98 percent of stuff you don't want to do. You get up in the morning, take out the garbage, mow the lawn, whatever it is, you don't want to do it, you just do it. It's part of being a guy. It's part of being an adult. What if you did this? What if when you got with a woman, whenever you went down on her, you would put something in her drink, like a vomit, like Ipacac or something, like later on that night, right?

56:03 Drew It's like the Schick Center for aversive sexual condition.

56:06 Adam Yeah, it's equivalent to snapping a rubber band every time I go down on her in her wrist. But just hear me out for a second.

56:12 Drew No, I'm just thinking more of a Homer Simpson type thing, put a little cap on her with electrical current that runs through it.

56:17 Adam Well, I think she's going to know that.

56:19 Drew Oh, I see what occult. I see. I see. I see.

56:21 Adam Now listen to me. Listen to me. Yeah. When you when you hook the electrodes up to her lobes, it might intensify the orgasm. Yeah. And she's going to be hip to that. Right. This is what you do. You go down on her about every other time you get in the sack. Every time you get her soda or beverage or glass of wine or whatever. Let me get you some ice water, sweetie. You just lie there and laying your own glow there. Only the times that you go down on her, do you put the Ipacac in there and does she feel nauseated and vomit after about eight times? She associates the oral sex with nausea.

56:55 Drew Not even her conscience.

56:56 Adam She didn't even have to think about it. And then it'll be like, honey, I got to go down.

57:01 Drew It'd be like Pavlovian dog. Yeah, it's just I'd sure like to.

57:06 Adam Oh, sweetie.

57:08 Adam First thing I'm going to do is I'm going to pull this pain.

57:13 Drew Oh, yeah, it's all happened. And nausea is a very powerful conditioner.

57:17 Adam Very powerful.

57:18 Drew It is. Oh, yes.

57:19 Adam No, look, people eat a thing of, you know, kugel when they're nine, vomit and never eat it again. Right.

57:26 Andy Milonakis What the hell is that?

57:27 Adam That's my point.

57:28 Drew You know, bugle.

57:29 Adam That's my point. I said a kugel.

57:30 Andy Milonakis I know, but I'm wondering what is the other things that sound like instead of instead of being that vindictive, you know, what being frugal is.

57:37 Adam What do you shut up, Drew?

57:40 Andy Milonakis Instead of being that vindictive or whatever and poisoning their drinks.

57:44 Adam Well, I didn't say poison is a strong word, Andy.

57:47 Andy Milonakis Why don't you say I'm goddamn Adam Corolla and I'm not going to go down on you because I think it's a chore and I don't have to. And there's a million other bitches that want me. Peace out.

57:57 Drew Because she would be sound because she would die of laughter at that point. She was laughing so hard.

58:03 Andy Milonakis You're underestimating the women of Hollywood.

58:06 Adam Peace out. Now, I think the vomiting route is a much stronger. More effective. And this.

58:14 Drew You actually look forward to that so they can laugh.

58:16 Adam Yeah, and I'm going to get the peace out. I'm getting my BJ too. Do you know what I mean? There's going to be retribution. This is no retribution.

58:24 Drew They're going to be blaming themselves.

58:26 Adam I don't know what it is. I'm going to be like, sweetie, is there something wrong with me? No, no, they'll be apologizing.

58:32 Drew Yeah, I don't know what's the matter with me.

58:33 Andy Milonakis Why don't you think of it like a game of chess? You could always get better at going down and then eventually become a chess master.

58:39 Drew Oh, oh, oh, Andy's telling us something here. You're learning something about Andy. Yeah, what? Adam is troubled and offended by that point of view, though, that sort of idea. It's really troubling to Adam.

58:51 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't. It's it's it's a game that I just don't want to get better at.

58:56 Drew Maybe a man of passion, moderate passion.

58:59 Adam Are you a man of passion like Drew?

59:01 Andy Milonakis I don't know. I probably wouldn't poison the girl's drink.

59:04 Adam Oh, really? Well, then we have nothing.

59:06 Andy Milonakis I have nothing more to talk about.

59:07 Andy Milonakis Is that romantic or what?

59:10 Drew He may say good day to you.

59:11 Adam I said good day, sir. Good day. Really? You would not poison?

59:15 Andy Milonakis You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You get nothing.

59:18 Adam You would not poison a girl to do use it versus therapy?

59:21 Andy Milonakis I would just poison her with my love.

59:25 Adam What do you got going, Andy? You seeing people, women? Are there things in your life? What's going on? Yeah? I mean, the new found success obviously doesn't hurt.

59:35 Andy Milonakis It doesn't hurt at all. It feel like a little bit of a scumbag when girls like, you know.

59:40 Adam Are you hooking up?

59:41 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

59:41 Adam Really? Nice.

59:43 Andy Milonakis Last night, I had some fun.

59:44 Adam Really? It's probably, I'm just guessing. I don't think this is the wrong way, but it probably wasn't a career path that you were on a few years ago. I mean, when you're living at home and doing computers, right?

59:57 Andy Milonakis No, no, no, no.

59:58 Adam Yeah. So this is nice. This is a nice benefit.

1:00:00 Andy Milonakis Well, the caliber of women out in Hollywood also are like totally different.

1:00:04 Adam That's from your mom's friends, certainly.

1:00:07 Andy Milonakis My mom friends, they're not that bad. I told them, I told them, I told her, I was like, listen, I want to talk to you, girl. I would never poison your drink. I want to buy you things.

1:00:22 Caller I want to buy you things.

1:00:24 Andy Milonakis I want to buy you hot dogs.

1:00:25 Adam Yeah. All right. So good. I'm glad because here's the whole thing. Here's the thing about MTV. No good in the wallet, but good in the scrotum. You know what I mean? Like here's here's MTV never says anything, but they're like, hey, listen, Andy Milonakis or Carson Daly. Here's the deal. We're not going to pay anything, but you get to Bang Tower Reid and that's got to be worth something. Do you know what I mean? They don't it's not in the contract, but it's implied. Yes.

1:00:56 Drew Implied.

1:00:57 Andy Milonakis It'd be better if it wasn't implied. It's like you get to Bang Tower Reid and they put the cost exactly the price worth of that.

1:01:04 Adam Yeah.

1:01:05 Andy Milonakis Right.

1:01:05 Andy Milonakis And then there's the hand job from Tower Reid and then they just add up the expenses and they're like your salary is worth a million dollars with all these hoes you get to.

1:01:13 Andy Milonakis Right.

1:01:14 Adam James. Yeah. You have a question for Andy.

1:01:18 Caller Yeah. Yeah, I do. But before I ask that, I got to say Andy, all my friends and everything are like, yeah, you look like Andy. Sing the song and everything. And yeah. Anyway, I was wondering.

1:01:30 Adam Can you sing the song? Can you sing the song?

1:01:33 Caller I'm sure I can. I'm just a little starstruck right now.

1:01:37 Drew Anyway, just call him by his nickname.

1:01:40 Caller Me?

1:01:41 Andy Milonakis What's up, Sonny?

1:01:43 Caller Nothing much.

1:01:44 Adam All right. Sing the song. Come on, James. Get over yourself.

1:01:48 Caller I like peas, but I rock peas on my head, but don't call me a pea head. Bees on my head, but don't call me a bee head. Bruce Lee is on my head, but don't call me a lee head. Pour it up.

1:02:00 Adam Hold on. Drew, don't do the beatbox. It's distracting. I know you're trying to help. Just back off, would you? Go ahead. I'm sorry, James.

1:02:07 Drew I'm just excited.

1:02:08 Caller Yeah. I don't know how the phone line got James, but it's actually Mark.

1:02:15 Adam All right.

1:02:15 Andy Milonakis That's because they don't care about you, Mark, but I do.

1:02:19 Caller Right.

1:02:19 Adam Yeah.

1:02:20 Caller I was just wondering, what was your favorite skit that you've done on your show? What was the most funnest thing to do?

1:02:26 Andy Milonakis My favorite one, I think, was the Spoons commercial. I remember. I don't know.

1:02:32 Adam Oh, yeah. That was a good one.

1:02:34 Andy Milonakis Some of them-

1:02:34 Adam It was in the first episode, wasn't it?

1:02:36 Andy Milonakis Yeah. It was in the first episode because I was like, I mean, it wasn't only my idea, but I was really fighting for that to be in the first one because I really, I thought it was like, some of them, when I finished doing them, I'm really excited and I'm like, I know this is going to get on the air. I know it's going to be that good. And a lot of them, I'm just like, this is really retarded. Hopefully, it gets on the show.

1:02:58 Drew How many things do you shoot compared to what gets on the show?

1:03:02 Andy Milonakis We shoot way more. We shoot about a week per episode.

1:03:05 Drew But how many segments of material do you have that don't make it say compared to do?

1:03:10 Andy Milonakis Probably, I don't know number wise, but probably like four times the amount of stuff that actually gets on the air, maybe three.

1:03:17 Adam But then, Drew, there's also segments that make it on the air, but it's like a man on the street thing. We're out on the street and you talk to a hundred people. You use six of them.

1:03:28 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

1:03:28 Adam So the segment makes it on the air, but the lines show the stuff you shot.

1:03:33 Andy Milonakis With commercials, it's about 20 minutes long, and we shoot for a whole week for one episode.

1:03:38 Adam Yeah, that's what I hate about TV.

1:03:40 Andy Milonakis It's a lot.

1:03:41 Adam That's what I love about this show. This show is two hours long. You talk for two hours, and then you leave.

1:03:46 Drew I'll remind you how good we had on TV. We talked for one hour, one hour went on TV. That was it.

1:03:51 Adam We used to do three and then sometimes four one-hour shows in a day.

1:03:58 Drew For MTV.

1:03:59 Adam Yeah, it was awesome, and I would be complaining the entire day. Cody?

1:04:04 Drew What's up, dude?

1:04:05 Adam We started our first show at noon, and I would get there at about 11.35.

1:04:09 Drew Yeah, we would do a week, virtually a week of television in one day.

1:04:13 Adam Yeah, and Drew, what you had, Drew didn't even know the name of the guest that was on the show during the show. Drew would lean over, he'd see Mac Tan and Banana Clips sitting there, and he'd just lean over and he'd go, I agree with the guest.

1:04:31 Adam We don't even know their names.

1:04:32 Andy Milonakis I agree with the guest whose name I totally know right now, but I don't feel the need to say.

1:04:37 Andy Milonakis Some of them were like important people.

1:04:39 Adam It would have been more organic if you'd done it that way and less obvious. Go ahead, Cody.

1:04:45 Hey, what's up, Andy?

1:04:46 Andy Milonakis What up, gangsta?

1:04:47 Caller Dude, I just have to say like you're my role model, man.

1:04:51 Andy Milonakis Thanks, man.

1:04:52 Caller Dude, I'm serious. I copy everything off your show. Awesome. I'm, oh man, I'm tripping out right now.

1:05:00 Andy Milonakis What do you mean you copy it?

1:05:02 Caller Huh?

1:05:02 Andy Milonakis What do you mean you copy it?

1:05:04 Okay, like for instance, the coupon thing.

1:05:07 Caller I tried that in Pizza Hut.

1:05:09 Andy Milonakis No, you didn't.

1:05:09 Yeah, I did, man.

1:05:10 Caller I'm hardcore like that.

1:05:12 Andy Milonakis You are gangster, man. That's gangster. That's a gangster.

1:05:15 Drew The last coupon thing I saw was an old lady.

1:05:16 Andy Milonakis Yeah, did you bring an old lady with you? Did you bring your grandma with you or something?

1:05:21 Caller No, I didn't, but I'll try that next time.

1:05:24 Andy Milonakis Next time just get a homeless lady and put a sash around her.

1:05:28 That'll work, man.

1:05:29 Caller And you know what else? I know your whole song.

1:05:31 Andy Milonakis Really?

1:05:31 Adam Do it.

1:05:32 Caller Okay, you know, can you beatbox, man?

1:05:34 Adam Drew, do the beatbox again.

1:05:35 Caller Here we go. Alright. Yo, I rock peas on my head, but don't call me a pea head. Bees on my head, but don't call me a bee head. Bees on my head, but don't call me a leek head. Now, please excuse me. I got to get my tree fit. You wear a name Brad. I make my own clothing. I hate myself, bro. I hate myself.

1:05:54 Andy Milonakis That was gay.

1:05:55 Caller Makes me extra happy. I like shampoo balls. That's it on my labby, because it's my show. You can't tell me what to do.

1:06:00 Andy Milonakis What?

1:06:01 Caller I make beef stew. You know I gotta go. It's time for me to rock it. I put bologna in my left pocket. Smell some cream cheese in my Gola. It's my show, Andy Milonakis. It's my show, I'm Shmandy Shmil Smokus.

1:06:13 Adam Yeah.

1:06:15 Caller Yeah.

1:06:16 Andy Milonakis You are Shmandy Shmil Smokus.

1:06:18 Adam All right.

1:06:19 Adam You know what? Oh, he's 16. I was gonna make him the direct party pack winner.

1:06:23 Caller Oh, man.

1:06:24 Adam I'll tell you what, you're so good on your 18th birthday, you're gonna get a package two years from now.

1:06:29 Caller I'm looking forward to it, man, because I've never been, you know, I've been late. All right. All right.

1:06:33 Adam You've never been laid?

1:06:34 Caller No, you know, I sit on my ass and drink Gatorade.

1:06:37 Andy Milonakis Oh, are you freestyling?

1:06:39 Adam Freestyling.

1:06:41 Andy Milonakis You wanna battle?

1:06:42 Caller I'm gonna kick you one time, man.

1:06:44 Andy Milonakis Yeah, I don't, yeah.

1:06:45 Drew You're gonna have to Mantica, don't worry.

1:06:46 Adam That'd be awesome. Yeah. All right. You're calling from Mantica, California?

1:06:52 Caller Yeah, I am.

1:06:53 Drew Where the hell is that?

1:06:54 Adam So where is that?

1:06:55 Caller It's a little town that's, I don't know, it's kind of by Modesto.

1:07:02 Drew Modesto, it's Modesto.

1:07:04 Adam Mantica is a weird name. Mantica sounds like either a part for a boat.

1:07:09 Andy Milonakis I'm sorry, dog.

1:07:11 Adam Mantica sounds like a part on a ship or a dude who has boobs.

1:07:14 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:07:15 Adam Or possibly both.

1:07:16 Drew Or like the decking of a boat.

1:07:18 Andy Milonakis Or the name of a French hooker.

1:07:20 Drew It's pure Mantica.

1:07:20 Adam Pure Mantica.

1:07:22 Andy Milonakis French hooker.

1:07:23 Adam Honduras. Black chick. Black hee shee. Yeah.

1:07:27 Andy Milonakis Mantica rocked my world last night. It only cost me $20 in a case of herpes.

1:07:34 Adam Mantica's a dude, bro.

1:07:36 Andy Milonakis Dude, look at her ass. She has to be a girl.

1:07:39 Adam You see what's poking through her ass? Those are balls.

1:07:42 Andy Milonakis I thought that was a rainbow.

1:07:44 Adam Oh, dude, man. Didn't you get the man part of Mantica?

1:07:48 Andy Milonakis No, I thought it was short for woman, Mantica.

1:07:50 Adam Oh, man, you got to lay off the Hennessy.

1:07:53 Andy Milonakis Oh, man. Yo, I got to stop smoking blunts.

1:07:58 Adam Yeah. And anyone who's seen Andy knows how black he really is. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1:08:02 Andy Milonakis Blacker than black rather than Broadway.

1:08:04 Adam I know both his parents are black, but certainly one of them is.

1:08:07 Andy Milonakis I'm from Jamaica. Good sense of me. Now we're born from on until night and the mass got come. We no run big it up rewind the book.

1:08:14 Caller Come now.

1:08:17 Andy Milonakis Julie.

1:08:18 Caller Yeah.

1:08:19 Adam I'll tell the kids today. They're kind of a Julia 24.

1:08:23 Drew Take these energy out of us. Can be tough for you.

1:08:25 Andy Milonakis Yeah, it's tough.

1:08:26 Adam I thought you liked the nap. What happened to the napping, Andy?

1:08:29 Andy Milonakis I have, you know, a DD chemical imbalance. Yeah.

1:08:34 Adam Julie.

1:08:35 Caller Yeah.

1:08:35 Adam You, let's see, had sex every day since you became sexually active?

1:08:41 Caller Yes, just about. Yeah, just about every single day.

1:08:43 Drew How many years has that been?

1:08:46 Caller Since I was 16, 17. I'm 24 right now.

1:08:48 Adam Well, hold on. You say 16, 17, which is it?

1:08:52 Caller Well, I was a virgin until 16, and then 17, ever since I turned 17, I've had sex like every day. Just about.

1:09:00 Drew The same person?

1:09:03 Caller In person.

1:09:05 Drew With the same person.

1:09:06 Andy Milonakis She found that absurd.

1:09:07 Drew Is that an impertinent question?

1:09:10 Caller I've had only two relationships. My first relationship was like seven years, and my second one is like two, two and a half.

1:09:16 Adam Well, here's why we ask, because in order to do this sort of handing off of the baton, the piton, it's difficult to not miss a day when you're with multiple people because there's always a little downtime, in between relationships, usually, God willing.

1:09:34 Caller She thought you said in person.

1:09:36 Adam Oh, I see. Julie?

1:09:38 Caller Yeah.

1:09:39 Adam So you went from one guy to the next, you had the other, was the second guy, was he the guy you worked with?

1:09:45 Caller No.

1:09:46 Adam He was the guy you knew while you were in your other relationship.

1:09:49 Drew So what he's saying is you must have been a bull man there waiting to help him out.

1:09:51 Adam Yeah, you were setting him up. He was warming up when the seven-year relationship was coasting to an end, right?

1:09:57 Caller I guess, yeah. I just happen to have met the second guy when my first relationship was kind of going down.

1:10:03 Adam Right. That was a year before it ended.

1:10:05 Drew Exactly what Adam's saying. But the point is here.

1:10:07 Adam When did you? I was just out of curiosity. Your first relationship lasted seven years.

1:10:13 Caller Yeah.

1:10:14 Adam At what point did you meet?

1:10:17 Drew Number two.

1:10:17 Adam Number two.

1:10:19 Caller At what point? Well, I guess my first relationship wasn't doing that well already.

1:10:25 Adam No. At what point?

1:10:26 Drew Give us the time.

1:10:27 Adam Give us the year.

1:10:29 Caller Like 2003.

1:10:31 Drew So two years ago, exactly when you started the relationship. But let's put it this way. How long after you met the number two, did you start a relationship with him?

1:10:42 Caller I think I started seeing him just about every single day, ever since I met him the first day. I started seeing him every day.

1:10:47 Drew So you jumped immediately off your old relationship onto the new one?

1:10:49 Caller Yes.

1:10:50 Adam How? Let's try to ask this question one more time and say it works. Where did you meet the second guy?

1:10:56 Caller Unfortunately, it was a cool place, Car Wash, I guess. I don't know. What can I say? I didn't meet him there. He was riding a sport bike and I was really into that.

1:11:07 Andy Milonakis Sounds like a rap video.

1:11:08 Adam Bring a sport bike to a Car Wash?

1:11:11 Caller Yeah. I just drew-

1:11:13 Adam All right. Hold on a second. I'm not done. You met the guy at a Car Wash and then your relationship ended when?

1:11:20 Drew That day your relationship ended?

1:11:22 Caller It didn't end that day. He didn't know. I didn't tell him. I just moved away from him. I just ignored him, avoided him.

1:11:30 Drew Somebody you've been in a relationship with seven years, you were able to just avoid?

1:11:34 Caller Yeah.

1:11:34 Adam You met a guy at a Car Wash?

1:11:36 Caller Yeah.

1:11:36 Caller The Car Wash.

1:11:38 Drew Do you understand how bizarre that sounds?

1:11:41 Adam You were living with him, right?

1:11:43 Caller The first guy? No.

1:11:44 Adam Oh, you said moved away.

1:11:47 Caller I just kind of moved on.

1:11:49 Drew Yeah. But Julie, wait a second. The day before the Car Wash, if your math is correct, you were having sexual relationships with guy number one?

1:11:57 Caller Yes.

1:11:58 Drew So Tuesday you're having sex, Wednesday you disappear?

1:12:01 Caller Not immediately. Not immediately. But there are a couple of days where I don't have sex. Sometimes the longest I haven't had sex was like a period of a week and a half to two weeks. That's the longest I've ever been without sex, and ever since I was 17. I just want to know if that's considered a sex addict. I just want to know.

1:12:19 Drew No, it's not necessarily. But what we find much more bizarre is how you conduct yourself in relationships, how it is you can be with somebody for years and just vanish, how it is that you can go from one to another immediately like that, and why you can't be alone in your own skin by yourself without a relationship. That's really more of the story is I can't be without somebody. Compulsively seeking someone and that's those sexual relationships. A part of that need to be with somebody all the time.

1:12:48 Adam Well, I hear something in Julie's voice. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I hear something.

1:12:52 Drew I hear like adopted of four kind of thing.

1:12:54 Adam Yes, adopted.

1:12:55 Drew Yeah.

1:12:56 Adam Julie?

1:12:57 Caller Yes.

1:12:58 Adam Julie, were you adopted?

1:13:00 Caller No.

1:13:01 Adam Where's your dad?

1:13:03 Caller He's with my mom. We live in Northern California. They live in Northern California. They're together.

1:13:09 Drew These are your biological parents?

1:13:10 Caller Yes.

1:13:11 Andy Milonakis Do you like fat white kids with MTV shows?

1:13:16 Adam Because Andy has a sexual streak going too, which he's never had having sex. So you guys, it'd be like a Super Bowl where one team is a great offense, but their team has a fantastic defense. Who's going to win? Will Andy turn into a sex fiend or will she go celibate? You know what I mean? Who's going to win? Whose will is greater?

1:13:40 Andy Milonakis You're underestimating Hollywood hoes.

1:13:43 Adam Oh, yeah. Sorry, buddy. I know. I was just filling them up a second ago. Julie.

1:13:47 Caller Yeah.

1:13:49 Adam All right. So let's try to figure this out because I want to ask a couple of questions. Your parents are together.

1:13:54 Caller Yeah.

1:13:55 Drew No, but you can't be alone.

1:13:57 Caller Right.

1:13:57 Adam No drug abuse. Did your dad cheat on your mom or anything good like that?

1:14:02 Caller I believe. Yeah, I think he did.

1:14:04 Drew Interesting.

1:14:05 Adam It is interesting because we rarely ask that.

1:14:07 Caller But I don't think that has anything to do with it, does it?

1:14:09 Adam Well, it does because I asked it.

1:14:10 Drew There's something going on. There's something making you...

1:14:12 Adam When did you find out your dad cheated with your mom?

1:14:16 Caller I think he's been doing it for like two years and I just found out when he got married to the second one, second wife.

1:14:23 Drew I thought you said they were both together.

1:14:24 Adam Your parents were living together in Northern California.

1:14:26 Caller They are together.

1:14:28 Adam Your dad and his new wife.

1:14:30 Caller Yeah. He married.

1:14:31 Drew Yeah. Julie. Okay. Hold on.

1:14:33 Adam Julie.

1:14:33 Drew Are you disconnected from reality?

1:14:37 Adam I'm going to give you a break and please answer yes. Have you ever had head trauma?

1:14:42 Caller No.

1:14:42 Adam Okay. Here's the thing. We're asking questions like where your parents and your parents are together and living in Northern California and then you weave in your dad's second wife.

1:14:53 Caller Yes. The second wife is living with the first wife and my dad, they're all living together. First, my mom, my biological mom doesn't approve of it.

1:15:02 Andy Milonakis She thinks this girl needs the condom party pack. Condom party pack.

1:15:08 Caller That doesn't affect my sex life.

1:15:11 Adam By the way, your mom, talk about Squaresville with the mom. What year is she living in, baby? Hey, Daddy-O.

1:15:20 Adam We're not in the 50s anymore.

1:15:21 Adam You have to have a new chick move in.

1:15:23 Drew Here's the deal.

1:15:24 Adam Something's wrong.

1:15:24 Drew Yes.

1:15:25 Adam Wait, hold on.

1:15:26 Drew We're going to give her the body back. We're going to put her on hold. We're going to take a break.

1:15:29 Andy Milonakis Compulsive liar pack.

1:15:30 Drew And we're going to come back to this. Would you like to hold on a second?

1:15:32 Adam Andy Milonakis is here tonight. There's something in Julie's voice which is stirring up the bats in our soul.

1:15:43 Drew Yes. And we're not talking about the ones we were talking about.

1:15:46 Adam He's on a baseball baseball. Oh, you want to hear it with the bat? Oh, okay. Interesting.

1:15:56 Drew Andy Milonakis is here tonight. Shmokas.

1:15:58 Andy Milonakis That was a dirty joke for all you people who aren't with it. Put a little giddy up in your step, sassy cowgirl.

1:16:04 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:16:11 Caller Thank you for calling Loveline.

1:16:12 Caller Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

1:16:29 Adam Yeah, Loveline, get it on.

1:16:36 Adam Drew, let me continue, please. Andy Milonakis is here tonight. Total pro. Total pro, Andy Milonakis. Andy Milonakis Show, MTV, 1030, Sunday Nights. My show on Comedy Central, tonight, 1130. And Drew's show? Drew's show, 12 o'clock.

1:16:55 Drew Tonight. TLC, for those of you on the West Coast.

1:16:58 Adam Yeah, let's do it.

1:17:00 Drew Discovery Health Channel. I'll see it on Saturday. Discovery Health. 11, 12, or 1, something like that.

1:17:04 Andy Milonakis Or like a trifecta of pimps.

1:17:06 Adam You really are.

1:17:07 Drew Central Mountain, it's on now.

1:17:09 Adam And it's interesting because we have the deep cable, deeper cable.

1:17:13 Drew Deepest.

1:17:14 Adam And yeah.

1:17:14 Drew Deepest, we got it all.

1:17:15 Adam Deepest cable. Yeah, the, what do they call that? Marianas Trench or something. What are you? What's the deepest point in the ocean, Drew?

1:17:22 Drew I forget what that's called. Yeah, some canyon.

1:17:25 Adam Yeah, let's put it this way. The cable that Drew's on, there's no light. Light doesn't exist.

1:17:30 Drew Well, there's the light over the groupers' heads and those little lights that the fish have on them.

1:17:35 Adam Angler fish. But nothing can survive that pressure.

1:17:38 Drew No.

1:17:38 Adam No.

1:17:39 Andy Milonakis All right.

1:17:40 Adam Julie?

1:17:41 Caller Yes, hi.

1:17:42 Adam You're 24?

1:17:43 Drew So Julie's got the parents that are living with the...

1:17:45 Adam Oh yeah.

1:17:46 Drew And now are they polygamists?

1:17:50 Caller They? I wouldn't say so, but I guess in my dad's case, yeah.

1:17:55 Drew So he's married the two women simultaneously?

1:17:58 Caller Yeah. Oh, my mom's not happy about it.

1:18:02 Adam I know.

1:18:03 Andy Milonakis She just puts up with it though.

1:18:04 Adam Yeah. Let me explain. Let me explain. It's not that he keeps leaving his golf fuse in the entryway. He's banging another chick in their bed. Not being happy is the golf fuse in the entryway. It's not the new chick who's also in the bed with you.

1:18:19 Drew How does he pull this off legally?

1:18:22 Caller I don't know.

1:18:24 Drew You don't know? Wait a minute. Tell us about your family of origin. What was it like growing up with these people? Was your dad a criminal?

1:18:30 Caller No.

1:18:31 Drew He is just a criminal now?

1:18:34 Caller A criminal? No.

1:18:35 Drew He's breaking along. He's married to two women.

1:18:38 Caller I don't know. I guess it is. It would be, wouldn't it? Are you a Mormon?

1:18:43 Adam Not in the eyes of his God.

1:18:44 Drew Are you a Mormon, I mean? What were your parents like growing up?

1:18:50 Caller Very, they never argued in front of us. Like my brother's sisters. They, my mom, my dad never communicated to us. My dad would communicate through my mom and my mom would tell us if there was a problem. Like if we had bad grades at school or we were troubled, you know.

1:19:05 Drew Did he ever speak to you at all?

1:19:07 Caller Yeah, he does. He talks to us.

1:19:09 Drew But when you were growing up?

1:19:10 Caller Yeah, but the communication wasn't that good.

1:19:14 Drew Why? What happened?

1:19:15 Caller There just wasn't any communication. He just doesn't talk to us. Like conversation.

1:19:19 Drew Would he yell at you?

1:19:20 Caller What?

1:19:21 Adam Well, he would tell his wife to yell at them.

1:19:23 Drew Was he really your dad? I mean, he was just some guy that...

1:19:26 Caller He is my biological dad, unfortunately.

1:19:29 Adam Hold on.

1:19:29 Drew Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's going to tell us what the deal is. Unfortunately, why?

1:19:32 Adam I know it's good radio, but I need to speak, you know? That's why it's called... It's not called Adam Carolla.

1:19:39 Drew Damn it. No, this isn't my show.

1:19:40 Andy Milonakis I thought this was my show.

1:19:41 Adam What is this show called?

1:19:42 Drew Loveline.

1:19:43 Adam We gotta change that. It's Andy Milonakis' show, it's Adam Carolla's show. It should be an Adam Carolla show. Here's the thing, Julie sounds like a robot.

1:19:53 Drew Yeah, that's something very, very wrong.

1:19:54 Adam And very, very wrong, and she's missing that chip that you get in your head when daddy bounces you on his knee and says that's my number one girl.

1:20:02 Drew I was wondering if he's some sort of social worker or something who would come through and just check the mom out.

1:20:09 Adam Maybe it's not dad at all. That's what I'm saying. Maybe dad just, maybe mom took in my panel, put a sport coat on it and a hat and taped a pipe to it.

1:20:16 Drew And he said, well, he doesn't talk very much.

1:20:18 Adam Oh, what's that? He wants you to do your homework.

1:20:21 Drew That's what it sounds, that's what it's, that's the kind of thing it sounds like, right?

1:20:24 Andy Milonakis Or we could have run into the next female, Andy Kaufman, and this could be an elaborate joke.

1:20:31 Adam Maybe that is.

1:20:32 Andy Milonakis Obscure, subtle.

1:20:33 Adam Yeah, except for Andy Kaufman was funny and that's true.

1:20:36 Drew So Julie, did your dad live in your house with you?

1:20:41 Caller I don't live with my parents.

1:20:42 Drew No, when you were growing up?

1:20:44 Andy Milonakis Yes.

1:20:44 Drew Okay, and what were you going to say?

1:20:46 Adam The did gives it a past tense, by the way.

1:20:47 Drew You were going to say, he's my biological father, and unfortunately, and Adam hung up on you, so what was it you were going to say?

1:20:56 Caller I actually don't remember. I was actually thinking about if having sex every day is normal, I wanted to actually ask you that. Is that normal?

1:21:04 Drew It's normal, it can be normal for some people in a long-term relationship. What's not normal is your complete and total lack of insight into the basic sort of story of your life.

1:21:15 Adam Julie, do you know what you sound like? You sound like if animals could speak, and I'm just picturing a raccoon on the other end of the voice with something coming out of its mouth. You don't sound like a human being to me.

1:21:30 Andy Milonakis But if praying mantises could speak, I wonder what the woman would say before she ate the head off. What was she thinking, like how evil of a bitch she had to be?

1:21:39 Drew Yeah, that looks good.

1:21:41 Adam Hey, Julie, now maybe it's because you grew up in a family where your dad didn't talk, but there's some sort of disconnect with you between sort of reality, life, communication and the world you're living in.

1:21:53 Drew Just the basic insight into the primer on life. Was your family just, nobody talked about it. Was it empty? Was it, I mean, Empty, just emotionally empty.

1:22:03 Adam Is there some sort of weird religion that prevents you from watching TV and reading newspapers and having friends? Is there homeschooled stuff like that?

1:22:13 Caller They're just strict.

1:22:13 Andy Milonakis They're very strict. In what sense?

1:22:16 Drew Like what? What happened?

1:22:17 Caller Come home every day from high school, three o'clock and you have to be home by five. And if you're home six, seven, you get a slap in the face like, where have you been? What were you doing?

1:22:27 Drew A slap in the face is physical abuse. That's another you're obviously not aware of. But when people hit you as a child, that's when Department of Social Services comes and call in.

1:22:36 Caller Well, they do that because, you know, the school calls in and says, hey, your child ditched school.

1:22:42 Adam Well, that's not coming home at seven. That's cutting school.

1:22:45 Drew And the reason you ditch school is because you're being physically abused at home.

1:22:48 Adam Well, you want to get high and go to the reservoir like me.

1:22:52 Caller I've only ditched school like once or twice in high school. And I got a big slap in the face.

1:22:57 Adam All right. Are your parents religious?

1:22:59 Caller No.

1:23:01 Adam Then what'd you say your dad did for a living?

1:23:04 Andy Milonakis Well, right now.

1:23:07 Drew What'd he do?

1:23:08 Caller Mechanical welding.

1:23:09 Drew Welding.

1:23:10 Adam Welding. Yeah, working around metal. Yeah, that's trouble. All right, Julie, we're ignoring the part where you want to know if your vagina will wear out, if you have too much plunging action with a strange penis. And we're going to focus on the part where you sound like a robot and you sound completely disconnected from any ounce of emotion or feeling.

1:23:29 Drew The most bizarre thing you've said is you're in a relationship with seven years, you vanish from this guy, you jump ship to a guy you met at a car wash and then go on about this compulsive need to be next to somebody and connected to them physically. That's the bizarre part. It's not the fact that you're having sex every day. Were you also sexually abused?

1:23:47 Caller No.

1:23:48 Drew All right. So there's no sexual addiction stuff here, but the whole quality of how you conduct yourself relationships is, I have to tell you, bizarre.

1:23:54 Adam Are you depressed?

1:23:57 Caller Yeah.

1:23:58 Drew All right. Well, there's something.

1:23:59 Adam Why don't you work on the depression and don't focus on the sexual part?

1:24:03 Drew At least that's something that can be sort of discreetly managed. All right.

1:24:08 Andy Milonakis There we go.

1:24:10 Adam Work on the depression, Julie.

1:24:12 Andy Milonakis But have fun with the party pack, Dorix.

1:24:14 Adam Right.

1:24:15 Drew Yeah.

1:24:16 Andy Milonakis All right.

1:24:16 Caller Yeah. Thank you for that by the way.

1:24:18 Andy Milonakis I love you. Feel better.

1:24:21 Adam Julie, just the marrow of my bones hurt when I speak to Julie. Julie, something profoundly depressed or sad or shut off or shut down.

1:24:30 Drew Disconnect.

1:24:31 Adam Disconnected. What does that come from?

1:24:35 Drew Not sure.

1:24:37 Adam Your parents here? Yes. Your dad's with your mom? Yes. And he's not with us. And another one.

1:24:43 Drew Imagine how raccoons do this, that she was doing this while she was talking to us.

1:24:47 Adam I really think that wasn't a human being. You know what I'm amazed by? I'm amazed. I'm amazed at how many humans aren't human or have difficulty being human. You meet them every day. You see them every day. They there's a little spectrum. Some is the ones that just seem some some are just completely disconnected from all I affect and feeling. And then others feel like they're like they're crawling in their own skin.

1:25:12 Drew Yeah.

1:25:12 Adam Like you just you know the people that are just horribly uncomfortable being a human being.

1:25:17 Andy Milonakis A lot of celebrities I think.

1:25:19 Andy Milonakis Yes.

1:25:20 Adam Yes. Yes. Yeah.

1:25:22 Andy Milonakis Like not. They're like what happened to this person who looks like a regular man, but is like an alien, a retarded alien. Right.

1:25:31 Adam Yeah. You know, you know, the thing about the thing about celebrities is they say that Adam and they have they have no way. I'll never forget was a couple a couple of good stories, especially the late night talk show host, not Kimmel. He's all human. Maybe a little too much, actually. Jay Leno. I used to Jay Leno used to live up in the hills. This is 21 years ago. Now, maybe more.

1:25:58 Andy Milonakis Was he funny back then?

1:25:59 Adam I don't know. But he was doing stand up. He was living up the hills. And here's what Jay Leno was doing. Regular stand up, working stand up. You probably wouldn't know who he was unless you're a big fan of stand up. I was remodeling the house next door or across the street from his house and the people whose house I was remodeling. Now, meanwhile, this was so long ago, I was just a goomper. I was just a helper. I was like 19. And they used to park in his driveway and all that kind of stuff. I used to see Jay Leno come out of the house about noon, pick up the newspaper, head back into the house. And then about three o'clock, he would start tinkering on his motorcycles out in the garage. I would knock off work at 330 and just walk across the street, introduce myself and hang out and help him tinker on his motorcycles. He was surprised that I'd heard of him. He was that early. It was that early in his career. Later on, I don't know, when Jimmy and I did the Tonight Show for the first time, I walked up to him excited about telling him the story. Jay, remember when you lived up on Woodrow there? And remember the guy across the street used to help you with the bikes? That was me. And he went, Oh yeah, yeah. Anyway, so you guys out there. And I realized, not a human being. None of that. You mean you worked on the Johnson's Place across which house you work?

1:27:19 Adam And then you would come, yeah, I remember it.

1:27:22 Adam Crazy that we both end up on the same, I'm hosting a show and you're a guest on it. You were a carpenter, right? And it was none of that just.

1:27:29 Andy Milonakis It's like Teddy Ruxpin. He has a bunch of responses that are programmed in. And like you got that one.

1:27:35 Adam Who is that?

1:27:35 Drew Who is that?

1:27:36 Adam Teddy Ruxpin.

1:27:37 Drew Who's that?

1:27:38 Adam He's a teddy bear that talks. Oh, come on buddy, you got kids.

1:27:41 Drew I just want to make sure I know.

1:27:43 Andy Milonakis You say a bunch of things to the teddy bear and it has these bunch of responses. So if you asked him that question, it's like an eight ball. Two minutes later, it would have been like a different answer.

1:27:54 Drew It's the magic eight ball.

1:27:55 Andy Milonakis Yeah, yeah.

1:27:56 Adam Right, right. And then Craig Kilborn, when I did his show, I said, Craig, I know you like playing hoop, right? And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, hey, you know, me and some of the guys from Kimmel, including Kimmel on occasion, we play, we have a game over at my house on Saturdays. You stop by, it's a fun game. And he looks at me and he's like a little bit confused. And he's like, I already play a game with Gary Shanley. And I'm like-

1:28:22 Drew Was that what Kimmel was competing with him though?

1:28:24 Adam No, this is years before that. And I said, yeah, I know, but this is just a fun game. And he said, you know, sometimes like Dustin Hoffman stops by. And I was like, yeah, no big celebrities, but a fun game and good guys. And he just, he was confused.

1:28:37 Drew He was just trumping. How can you-

1:28:38 Adam Yeah, you and Kimmel versus Gary Shanley and Dustin Hoffman or whoever it was. And I remember just to look at me confused. It was like, it was like a computer. It was like smoke was gonna start coming out of his ears.

1:28:48 Andy Milonakis His true colors are about to come out. He's gonna be like, Hoop, what is this game you earthlings play?

1:28:53 Adam That's what I was waiting for, like a tail to come whipping out and stabbing the neck.

1:28:56 Drew The crab lobster crawls out of the skin.

1:28:59 Adam Yeah, and that's where I realized not human beings a lot of celebrities.

1:29:03 Andy Milonakis Yeah.

1:29:03 Adam Andy, Mandy.

1:29:05 Drew Shmuel Smokas.

1:29:05 Adam Shmuel Smokas, not only a comedian, but a modern day poet and observer.

1:29:10 Drew Yes, yes, yes.

1:29:11 Adam You know what I mean?

1:29:12 Andy Milonakis Two roads diverge in the yellow woods.

1:29:13 Drew Virgil, Virgil, Homer.

1:29:15 Adam He's like, Homer. Yeah, he's like me. He just sits back, observes life, and then beats off a naps.

1:29:21 Drew He is like you.

1:29:22 Adam Yeah. Take a quick break, be right back after this.

1:29:29 Caller Call on the 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:30:02 Adam Elizabeth, it's the big one. Little bit of coming. Luke.

1:30:06 Adam Oh, Luke's not on the phone. Yeah, forgot about that. Yeah, Andy Milonakis in the studio tonight. If you haven't heard.

1:30:12 Adam Luke.

1:30:13 Adam Luke, 19. Sounds like I'm turning to a page in the Bible. Yeah, Luke, 19. Go ahead.

1:30:19 Caller And I'm Drew.

1:30:20 Caller Andy, what's up, guys?

1:30:21 Adam And it was stone.

1:30:23 Caller All right, dude. Yeah, a little bit mad hot, but check it out, dude. Whoa.

1:30:29 Adam Am I right?

1:30:29 Caller Yeah.

1:30:32 Adam Fine. And he put, he packed his six shooter filled with herb and it was stone. Go ahead, Luke.

1:30:41 Caller Thanks, buddy. Hey, so we'll be going out for some time now, man.

1:30:44 Caller And she's like, I want you to...

1:30:46 Caller And it's kind of... Oh, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke.

1:30:50 Adam Bogus.

1:30:52 Drew Sounds like it, but he could be just a hole, you know, cadence.

1:30:57 Adam Girlfriend wants to probe his butt while giving him oral.

1:31:02 Drew What do you think, Andy?

1:31:03 Andy Milonakis Don't underestimate Hollywood Hoes.

1:31:06 Andy Milonakis Yeah, she's from the movie.

1:31:08 Drew That's the only one.

1:31:10 Adam Yeah, it'd actually be nice if you started a team called Hollywood Hoes so you could really say like people have been disrespecting the Hollywood Hoes. They've been underestimating them. There's nobody but the Hollywood Hoes in this locker room that thought we could do it.

1:31:26 Drew Perfect. Yeah.

1:31:28 Adam I always love when they do that at the end of the sporting event. And I'm not sure when this became in vogue. I think it's somewhere around the pats for Super Bowl victory. Used to be people would just go ahead and celebrate their Super Bowl victory. Now it's like nobody thought we could do it.

1:31:43 Adam Nobody but the people. Yeah. OK.

1:31:45 Adam I'm sorry you're angry, Your Highness. How about you crack some champagne and enjoy yourself?

1:31:50 Andy Milonakis Yeah, I want to thank Jesus Christ. I want to thank my moms. I want to thank my baby moms. I want to thank my baby, baby moms.

1:31:57 Adam And yo, yo, if it wasn't for God and me giving 110 percent, yo, God bless nobody, nobody but the people in this locker room, the only people, well, several million people did bet by tickets and by tickets and bet, you know, the War of the Jersey stuff.

1:32:11 Adam We shocked the world.

1:32:13 Adam Okay, let's get Mozambique on the phone and see if they're reeling, still reeling. Oh, Luke?

1:32:20 Caller Yes, sir, what's up, Adam?

1:32:21 Adam All right, buddy, gotta put you on hold because you dropped the S-bomb. I forgot about that.

1:32:25 Drew Sorry, David, real quick.

1:32:27 Adam David is Stacey?

1:32:30 Andy Milonakis Dude or a girl?

1:32:31 Adam Didn't we discuss this?

1:32:32 Drew Yeah, yeah, okay, David.

1:32:33 Adam Drew, you do some of the worst radio I've ever heard.

1:32:36 Drew David?

1:32:37 Caller Yeah.

1:32:38 Adam You're 24?

1:32:39 Caller Yes.

1:32:40 Adam You claims your parents are siblings?

1:32:44 Caller Yeah, that's correct.

1:32:45 Drew How did that happen?

1:32:47 Caller Well, when they were younger, their parents separated and my grandma, grandpa didn't talk for a while, and then they got back to talking and stuff, and they got together, and I guess they put a liking to each other. I didn't ask too many questions about it. My mom's the one who told me about it when I was 16.

1:33:05 Drew You mean one was living with the dad, one was living with the mother or something, and they came back and it was like they were just teenagers now in the same house?

1:33:11 Caller Yeah, yeah, and I guess they just got along and clicked.

1:33:14 Drew All right, here's the deal. You guys, you're okay, there are no birth defects amongst you or your siblings, right?

1:33:19 Caller Well, that's the question I had. I don't got... I'm a lone child right now.

1:33:24 Drew Good, fine. The important thing is you don't marry a cousin or a sibling.

1:33:28 Adam Well, he's got a streak.

1:33:30 Drew Marry far from your genetic heritage for multiple reasons.

1:33:33 Adam He's calling from Visalia. His parents married each other. Go way out on a limb and go definitely not at GIO.

1:33:40 Drew Come on, how dare you?

1:33:41 Adam I know you can't judge. All right, we'll take a quick break. Andy Milonakis in the studio and we'll be right back after this. Well, that's it. Wow, where'd the time go?

1:34:31 Drew I'll tell you.

1:34:33 Adam It's not a party till Milonakis swings by.

1:34:36 Drew And then it's a party.

1:34:37 Adam Then it's a party. That's the show, Milonakis Show, or one Andy Milonakis Show on MTV Sunday nights at 10.30. My show, Comedy Central. Other nights at 11.30. Drew's show.

1:34:51 Drew Tonight.

1:34:52 Adam Yeah, tonight.

1:34:54 Drew In the trench.

1:34:55 Adam And in the Marianas Trench on Discovery Health Channel. All right. Thanks, Andy. Peace.

1:35:02 Andy Milonakis Thank you, sir.

1:35:03 Adam And until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:35:07 Andy Milonakis I'm goddamn Adam Corolla and I'm not going to go down on you because I think it's a chore and I don't have to. And there's a million other bitches that want me. Peace out.

1:35:18 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:35:22 Andy Milonakis The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station.

1:35:30 Caller The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, August 31, 2005