Episode 1000724315975

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:01 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:17 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Adam Yeah, we're gonna have to get that opening changed.

1:22 Where's Dr. Drew?

1:24 Adam Dr. Drew is just not here enough for them to leave. I have to keep correcting him.

1:29 Dr. Bruce You're not gonna get my own opening?

1:30 Voiceover Doctor, yeah. We should get one with Dr. Bruce. Doctor, well, you know what it should be. It should just be blank. And then I'll just go ahead and say who it is. Dr. Marcel, Dr. Seuss, Dr. J. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Dr. Moreau. Dr. Drew is, I don't even, you know, it's like that thing they used to do on The Today Show. Where in the world is Matt Lauer? I have no idea where Dr. Drew is. But he's not in studio tonight. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Bruce is here. And Dr. Drew's lucky I like Dr. Bruce, otherwise I would kill him. Because if you were just some a-hole who stuck me with what feels like three times a week, I would be going out of my mind.

2:17 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

2:18 Adam Thank God, Dr. Bruce, while lacking the charisma, charm and visual appeal of Dr. Drew is a stand-up guy. Salt of the earth.

2:30 Dr. Bruce Keep going. That's it.

2:34 Adam That was enough, wasn't it? Dr. Bruce is a board certified physician, an addiction medicine specialist. He's an emergency medicine specialist. He's a whiz with the laser. How do I know? It's sitting three feet away from me. He removes tattoos. He does the cosmetic business with the laser. And overall, I would say a better doctor than Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew is slick, comes in a nice package. He's the Ty Pennington of doctors. You're like the toothless alcoholic carpenter who gets the job done.

3:07 Dr. Bruce The guy that works with metal.

3:09 Adam The guy that works with metal. Yeah. And the thing I like about Dr. Bruce as well is he's into rock guitars, he's into hanging out at pond shops. And he'll score with you if the need presents itself.

3:25 Dr. Bruce It's the best endorsement I've ever had.

3:28 Adam How do you get rid of ants? It's hot outside and when it gets hot ants go nuts. Everything goes nuts. Everything starts moving. I mean, it's a weird thing. Let me ask you this, Bruce. Just dig on this for a second, would you, brother?

3:43 Dr. Bruce All right.

3:45 Adam If you take a look at molecules, when you heat them up, they speed up and when you cool them, cool them down, they slow down. I think people, cockroaches, ants, nature, it's all one big molecule. You're just made of molecules and there's 30% more traffic on the freeway.

4:03 Dr. Bruce Again tonight.

4:04 Adam Again tonight, the last few nights, when it's hot outside. When it's hot outside, I come home at night, and I see ants and I see, they're running around. It's almost like they're on a hot skillet and they're trying to escape, but they're aimless, but they're on the move. Is there a thing since molecules speed up when you heat them up, and all life is is a bunch of molecules packaged together, your human molecule. Engineer Chris is a junior college molecule, which is a little less complex in its structure, but you know what I'm saying, still molecules, somewhere between the ant and the roach. The point is, is he here tonight?

4:43 Dr. Bruce He's smiling.

4:43 Adam Wow. Yeah, I'm here, dude. All right, see, if he knew what a molecule was, I'd bite my tongue, but I know. No, here's my point. Maybe the heat just takes all the little molecules in your body and all the little molecules in the roach's body and all the little molecules and the a-holes that are on the freeways and just gets them moving. Just gets them into the car, just gets them onto my sink, just gets them running around my driveway. Do you know what I'm saying?

5:09 Dr. Bruce Well, you have warm and cold-blooded animals, so creatures like snakes, when it gets warmer, more activity, they depend on the ambient temperature and energy.

5:18 Adam They can't regulate their body temperature, they have to sun themselves.

5:21 Dr. Bruce I don't believe ants fold stuff.

5:23 Adam Why? Why are ants on the move now? You know what I mean? Two weeks ago, it was 63 degrees at night, no ants. Now, it's 79 degrees, ants on, they're on the move, baby.

5:34 Dr. Bruce At night, too.

5:35 Adam At night, they're on the move. And there's a difference between, obviously, all this stuff happens at night because it's probably too hot during the day, and it's just alive outside at night.

5:47 Dr. Bruce Right.

5:47 Adam You just hear that things are chirping, things are rubbing their legs together, there's noise.

5:54 Dr. Bruce But in terms of...

5:55 Adam The hills are alive, I tell you, alive.

5:58 Dr. Bruce I talked to an exterminator once and he said, what you've got to realize is that if you see ants, think of a 10 or 12 foot column just filled with ants under the ground. So there are just billions of these things and you just see the heat bringing out.

6:11 Adam Thanks for freaking me out. Then here's the other thing about ants. First off, I got hairy legs, and I don't know if there's half dozen ants on me or not until they're up my ass. They're like, chick, smooth leg. Smooth, boom, there's an ant. Pow, flick it right off. The hairy leg thing, it's just this black force. You whack the ant, you don't know where the ant went. Not sure. Then you see the ant, you start to feel ants on you. That's a lovely component of the human mind, where you just look at an ant and you go, what's that I feel on my neck? Oh, there's no ant there. I just put an ant on the back of my neck with my feeble mind.

6:48 Dr. Bruce It's amazing how fast they can travel from one part of the body to the other.

6:53 Adam It's amazing how fast my mind can travel thinking they're on me now. So then you get that freaked out thing and you're sitting in front of the TV and the lights off and you're in the den, you're like, was that an ant? I thought I felt an ant. Is there an ant on me? Yeah. I'm just saying, what's the 10 degree temperature rise that makes everything come alive, that makes everything come out?

7:11 Dr. Bruce I don't know, but I would have researched it if you'd...

7:13 Adam Please.

7:14 Dr. Bruce Red ants bug me. The black ones, I don't mind.

7:17 Adam Well, red ants, they bite. Yeah, they're tough. Robert?

7:23 Ace.

7:25 Adam Robert, you're 23.

7:26 Caller Adam, how are you doing, man?

7:28 Adam Good, how are you doing?

7:29 Caller I'm great. Basically, I've been listening to your show since I was about 14. And I have to say that you guys are the best combinations of personalities and entertainment. I would take you guys above anything on TV anytime.

7:39 Adam Wow, that's high praise for Dr. Bruce.

7:42 Caller Well, Bruce as well. I'm actually a fan of Bruce.

7:44 Adam Yeah. Now what about the guy who fills in for Bruce, Dr. Drew?

7:50 Caller You know, Drew is mediocre, you know.

7:51 Adam Yeah. Well, that's the whole thing. You know, what I tell Drew is, look, you can't just show up once a week and expect to find a rhythm. You know what I mean?

8:02 Caller Twice a week, you know.

8:03 Adam Well, sometimes he does two times a week. But what I'm saying to Drew is like a pinch hitter. It's tough to come off the bench every third or fourth game and expect to double into a power alley. You got to get into the lineup, play every day, get your cuts, start to find your rhythm, you know.

8:19 Dr. Bruce That's not the way a doctor thinks.

8:20 Adam But Drew, Drew shows up on Wednesday and then he's not here on Thursday and then he shows up on Monday. But I'm sorry, shows up on Sunday, but he's not here on Monday. And I know he feels a little down because he can't find his rhythm. He's not sure which end of the mic to talk into. And I tell him, hey, if you could put together like three days, I think we'd really have something.

8:41 Dr. Bruce Are we going to hear this again and again and again all night?

8:43 Adam Yeah.

8:44 Dr. Bruce Only if callers bring it up.

8:45 Adam Yeah. You know how much Dr. Drew is getting paid right now, by the way?

8:48 Dr. Bruce How much?

8:49 Adam You know how much I'm getting paid?

8:50 Dr. Bruce How much I'm getting paid?

8:52 Adam Oh, right now I feel better. I feel so much better. Yeah, but that Camry that you borrowed from your sister, that sips gas.

9:01 Dr. Bruce That Camry is a dependable car you live in. My kids can tear it apart.

9:05 Adam Listen, a donkey is dependable. Doesn't mean you're going to get laid.

9:09 Dr. Bruce Well, I got a five-year-old that's got a thing about power tools. So it's much better this way. So Robert.

9:14 Adam Sorry. Go ahead, Robert.

9:16 Caller Basically, Adam, I've heard that you're leaving the show. And I want to make sure that you know what you're doing. There's an entire generation of Loveline fans who are better off and more educated thanks to the fact that you have been on this show. You have changed my life, man. You have no idea about the people who are different because they haven't educated by you. And Drew can't do this on his own. And you know that goddammit.

9:37 Adam It would have been nice if the ultra-cheap and stupid management of this company would have given that some consideration before slashing the hell out of my contract.

9:47 Caller But you have to go on the air and rant about ants and whatnot. Stern's not going to give that to you.

9:52 Adam No, Stern's going to be on satellite radio and I'm going to be ranting about ants at 8.15 in the morning.

9:59 Dr. Bruce Listen, Robert, what part of New York are you from?

10:02 Caller I'm in Manhattan. Well, actually, I'm in Harlem right now. I know you're from Brooklyn, Bruce, right?

10:07 Dr. Bruce Yeah, originally. That's his place. But he did have a serious question.

10:11 Adam He didn't have a question.

10:12 Dr. Bruce I bet he did.

10:13 Adam All right. Robert.

10:15 Caller Adam, don't leave the show, man. Come on, brother.

10:18 Dr. Bruce Listen, you can listen to him during drive time in the morning. I think that's great.

10:22 Adam Thank you. I appreciate you wanting me not to leave, but I got to follow the money in my heart and then the money again.

10:28 Caller All right, Robert.

10:30 Adam Thank you. You didn't have a question, did you?

10:32 Caller Of course not, man.

10:33 Adam All right. Bruce.

10:35 Dr. Bruce Lord in Germany.

10:36 Adam I'll ask you the same question I asked Drew when he when he's here.

10:39 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

10:39 Adam Do you ever get tired of being wrong?

10:42 Dr. Bruce No, it's more entertaining when I'm wrong when I'm here. So right. But I'm never wrong.

10:46 Adam But you should still be punished because it's unintentional.

10:50 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

10:50 Adam He had a question. He had a question. Okay.

10:54 Dr. Bruce Well, it sounded good.

10:55 Adam He had a question. All right. Let's talk to Lynn, who's 22. Lynn.

11:01 Yeah.

11:02 Adam What's up?

11:04 Okay. I have kind of an issue that started like a couple of weeks ago. And I somehow I don't know if it's a routine or something going on in my head, but it's hard to fall asleep or I can't fall asleep unless I masturbate first.

11:23 Adam Mm hmm. All right.

11:25 Yeah. It's like a couple of weeks ago, I started doing it and like I used to not do it at all. I didn't. I started doing it once in a while. And now like to do it.

11:34 Adam What do you do? What do you do? What do you use?

11:37 Huh?

11:38 Adam What do you use? Your hand?

11:40 No, toys.

11:42 Adam Pardon me. Like what kind of toys, plural. I mean, don't you just have one toy?

11:48 I have two.

11:50 Adam You have more than one?

11:51 Yeah.

11:52 Adam Vibrator?

11:53 Yeah.

11:54 Adam All right. And let me ask Bruce this. People get into rituals before they go to bed. You know, I like to polish off a case of red wine. She likes to masturbate. Some people drink a little warm milk. Whatever. You watch your TV show. There's a ritual that you end up sort of doing almost every night. Once you get into that ritual, it's kind of hard to break it as it pertains to going to sleep. Is it not?

12:20 Dr. Bruce Her ritual is a little healthier than your ritual, however. And with orgasm, there is a release of neurotransmitters that would be more conducive to sleep relaxation.

12:29 Adam For men.

12:29 Dr. Bruce But what about for women? Same?

12:32 Adam Because they say when the man has the orgasm, but the women, same thing.

12:36 Dr. Bruce Yes.

12:37 Adam OK. Yeah, that's just you, baby. That's what you do. That's fine.

12:42 Well, I also, there's another part of that question. All right. Now that I like before, whenever I do it, I could get myself to orgasm like all the time. But now I have noticed that like a couple of times a week, I have problems even getting there. Is it just because I'm doing it too much or?

13:01 Adam Well, you're using the same tools, right? And the same techniques.

13:05 Pretty much. But have I become immune to it? I need to mix it up.

13:10 Adam Well, you know, we do. We have talked to women who get a little desensitized because of the equipment they're using. They get that corporal tunnel syndrome in their clitoris. Clitoral tunnel.

13:25 Dr. Bruce Clitoral tunnel syndrome.

13:26 Adam Yeah. What do you think, Bruce?

13:28 Dr. Bruce Well, I think that everybody has their own rhythm, their own balance. Some people, if they masturbate five times a week, they're going to become less sensitive and not have the same experience with that. So maybe she should just do it twice a week.

13:43 Adam Maybe she's a twice a week or but that's that she that's how she goes to bed. I bet she falls asleep right afterwards. No, I mean, I bet she'd fall asleep anyway if she just didn't masturbate.

13:53 Dr. Bruce She would.

13:54 Adam Yeah. But the problem is, you can't think about not masturbating. I've tried that.

13:57 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

13:58 Adam Well, doesn't work.

13:59 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Well, is she getting to any recurrent thoughts or any kind of obsessive type thinking? That would be a question.

14:05 Adam Well, what else is going on in your life? Do you have a decent job?

14:09 It's okay. It's fine. Yeah.

14:13 Adam Why? What do you do?

14:15 Retail.

14:17 Adam All right. And you live on your own?

14:20 Yeah.

14:21 Adam You don't have a roommate or anything?

14:23 No.

14:24 Adam Just have an apartment?

14:26 Yeah.

14:26 Adam What's your rent?

14:29 I have a child, so it's not just on my own.

14:32 Adam Oh, I see. That must be nice to hear mommy buzzing away all night. And then it's like lights flickering on and off. Any recent change? Wait a minute. How old is your child?

14:44 She's three.

14:46 Adam Three?

14:47 Dr. Bruce You married?

14:48 No. I'm just been divorced a couple of months ago.

14:52 Adam How much is your rent over there in Missouri?

14:55 My rent?

14:56 Adam It's the thing you pay every month when people let you stay in the apartment.

15:00 Seven hundred.

15:02 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

15:03 Adam But you have like thirty acres over there in a bowling alley?

15:06 Dr. Bruce I live in the city.

15:07 Adam You live in the city. What do you get? Do you get two bedroom?

15:10 Dr. Bruce Uh-huh.

15:12 Adam Because they see that what ends up happening here, I realize, is rent is so goddamn expensive. You have to live with eight people and it probably cuts down on masturbating. You know what I mean?

15:22 Dr. Bruce For seven hundred dollars you'd be living.

15:23 Adam Me and the wheeze shacked up on the same futon for two years. It just it cut into the masturbating. Had to take it outside. And we lived on little canyons so, you know, stress, a lot of traffic, a lot of prying eyes as I call them.

15:37 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I think she's probably got some privacy for seven hundred dollars in Missouri.

15:40 Adam Yeah, I know. And here's the thing too about, you know, living in LA versus living in Missouri. Minimum wage is is minimum wage. I mean, there's a little that cost a living index or whatever the hell that is. But you work at a McDonald's here, you get five fifty six bucks an hour and you work at a McDonald's in Missouri, you get five fifty six bucks an hour. I mean, that's a national number, that minimum wage, is it not?

16:04 Dr. Bruce It is.

16:05 Adam And the reality is, is then you go from your McDonald's to your apartment and here it's thirteen hundred bucks a month and there it's five hundred bucks a month. And therefore you should move to Missouri.

16:16 Dr. Bruce Yeah. She'd have three roommates here at least. And a kid would be molested and would be.

16:20 Adam Yeah.

16:21 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah.

16:21 Adam No, that'd be that's she'd be actually she'd be she'd be turning the kid out. You know, if one of the roommates couldn't, if she couldn't make rent, the kid.

16:30 Dr. Bruce So you'd support an increased minimum wage in.

16:33 Adam Here's what I would. Here's what I would support. I would support people getting the hell out of Los Angeles. It's getting too crowded. I have to be here. You understand? I'm a big star. I can't go to Missouri. If I could go to Missouri, I'd go to Missouri. You know what I'm saying?

16:49 Dr. Bruce You can broadcast from Missouri.

16:51 Adam What about all the other. You're a big star.

16:52 Dr. Bruce They'd listen to you. It doesn't matter where you're originating from.

16:54 Adam I have TV shows now. I have my Doring Public.

16:57 Dr. Bruce That's true. Please. You want stalkers. You got to be here.

17:00 Adam How dare you? Josh?

17:02 Yeah. Hello?

17:03 Adam You're 16?

17:04 Caller Yeah.

17:06 Adam All right. This sounds bogus too.

17:07 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

17:10 Caller What are you talking about?

17:12 Dr. Bruce Now we're sure it's bogus.

17:13 Adam First I figured it was bogus just because Bruce picked it. Now you answered.

17:18 Caller I swear to God it's not bogus. I swear.

17:21 Dr. Bruce Let him make his case.

17:22 Adam You understand the bogusity rules of engagement, right? If we call bogus, you got to fest to it.

17:31 Caller Yeah. I'll say bogus, but it's not bogus.

17:33 Adam All right. Go ahead, Josh.

17:35 Caller Okay. When I was growing up, I never had a father figure, but when I was nine, I went out to Humboldt to see my brother for Christmas, and I found out that my dad had a sex change, and then they told me on Christmas Eve when I was nine. And I just wanted to know how that would affect me with future relationships.

17:54 Adam Well, it's not going to help.

17:57 Dr. Bruce But he told you on Christmas Eve it was a Christmas present?

18:01 Caller I guess if you want to put it like that.

18:03 Adam Yeah. Well, he just happened to be... Well, the reason it was Christmas Eve is because he was visiting during the holidays. It's not like they waited until Christmas Eve to tell him it just so happened that he was there for two days, and one of those days happened to be Christmas Eve, and the other one was Christmas Day.

18:19 Caller Yeah.

18:19 Adam Yeah. At least he's not Jewish or would have told him eight times.

18:25 Caller Yeah.

18:26 Adam In all the days of Hanukkah.

18:30 Caller All right.

18:30 Adam Here's the deal, Josh. You not having a dad will screw you up a little bit. Your dad having a sex change and you finding out about it at nine o'clock, is just one more log in your F'd up fire. Okay. You know what I'm saying?

18:45 Caller Yeah.

18:46 Adam But here's the deal. You can have good relationships. Do you have good relationships?

18:51 Caller Well, some would. I haven't had the best of luck with people.

18:55 Adam Well, you're 16. Bruce, how much luck did you have at 16? I'm going somewhere between zero and nothing.

19:02 Dr. Bruce I like sports. I like school.

19:04 Adam Yeah.

19:04 Dr. Bruce You know, like girls.

19:05 Adam You like you like girls.

19:07 Dr. Bruce But I had a girlfriend when I was 16.

19:08 Adam You did?

19:09 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you did. She was 18.

19:11 Adam Wow.

19:13 Dr. Bruce No, no.

19:14 Adam One like Russia. Well, didn't know it.

19:17 Dr. Bruce I was in New York, you know, a great melting pot.

19:19 Adam Wow.

19:20 Dr. Bruce You're shot in the call. You're not going to ask me any more questions.

19:22 Adam Well, she was Russian. What was her name?

19:25 Dr. Bruce Angela.

19:26 Adam Angela. And did she have an accent or anything?

19:29 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah, it was great.

19:30 Adam Oh, really? I mean, she was off the boat kind of thing. No, no, no.

19:34 Dr. Bruce Her father was some sort of ambassador or something like that.

19:37 Adam Really?

19:37 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it was very interesting. But I was very naïve.

19:39 Adam 18 year old ambassador's daughter when you were 16. It's amazing. How'd you land that?

19:47 Dr. Bruce I don't know. I don't know if my parents know. They know now.

19:52 Adam Wait a minute, Dr. Spass.

19:54 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

19:55 Adam Hold on. First off, I'm picturing you at 16 is two huge feet, a huge set of teeth and a wind up beanie. That's all. That's all I'm picturing.

20:05 Dr. Bruce No, I have braces on this. I'm calling bogus.

20:07 Adam Yeah, I'm going bogus too. You're right. I forgot the braces. Braces, wind up beanie and huge feet and two elbows sticking out from the side. That's all I'm picturing at 16. How did you land that 18-year-old? Where did you meet her?

20:22 Dr. Bruce At the school. The high school I went to.

20:23 Adam But you were in the 10th grade and she was a senior? She was held back because of her language.

20:30 Dr. Bruce I skipped a grade.

20:32 Adam Oh, I see. So you're both in 11th.

20:33 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

20:34 Adam So you're both in 11th, but she's held back a grade.

20:38 Dr. Bruce She wasn't. Yeah, well, maybe she was.

20:39 Adam Yeah, she was. And you're skipped a grade. So now you're both in the same grade, but you're 16 and she's 18.

20:48 Dr. Bruce It gets worse. She had her parents had arranged some sort of a relationship with an older guy. So she's supposed to do things. Yeah, very interesting story.

20:55 Adam Wow. I'd like to hear this story.

20:57 Dr. Bruce Well, I'm sure the listeners don't.

20:59 Adam So, so her parents were, this was forbidden love.

21:02 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

21:03 Adam She was in love with Dr. Spass.

21:06 Dr. Bruce Junior.

21:06 Adam Dr. Spass.

21:07 Dr. Bruce Pre Spass.

21:08 Adam Pre, Dr. Pre Spass Jr. And not, not, not Ivan the terrible.

21:14 Dr. Bruce No.

21:15 Adam And where, where was this guy? Was he around?

21:18 Dr. Bruce He was in New York. I don't know. I never met him. Wow.

21:22 Adam How long did you two guys, how long did you guys go out?

21:25 Dr. Bruce A couple of months. Then I went off to work at a summer camp and that was the end of that.

21:29 Adam Really?

21:29 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

21:30 Adam You didn't want to hang out with her?

21:31 Dr. Bruce I couldn't had to go work at the summer camp.

21:33 Adam Why'd you have to go work at a summer camp?

21:36 Dr. Bruce You were 16.

21:36 Adam You didn't have to do anything. You got a nice piece of Russian 18 year old ass.

21:40 Dr. Bruce Well, I turned 17 in May. So that summer I was 17.

21:42 Adam Your birthday's in May?

21:43 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

21:43 Adam Well, my birthday's in May.

21:44 Dr. Bruce I know. We're both like Orions or whatever it is.

21:48 Adam Yeah. Don't be gay. You know your sign, idiot. I don't know any signs, but I know my sign. Orions. All right. What half of what base did you get to with her? I know you didn't.

22:00 Dr. Bruce My father's listening. I can't.

22:01 Adam I know you didn't. I know you didn't. You didn't hit a home run. No way.

22:05 Dr. Bruce Nah, you kidding?

22:05 Adam Well, what'd you do? Just punch her in the arm and she punched you in the arm?

22:08 Dr. Bruce No, no.

22:09 Adam You made out?

22:10 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah.

22:10 Adam Really? With those braces? That weird little spit bridge between the two of you?

22:16 Dr. Bruce There's a fine line between awkwardness and lovability or, you know, being.

22:20 Adam Yeah. Oh, I see. I see.

22:22 Dr. Bruce Bearing to someone. I see. I had the endearment thing going.

22:24 Adam Oh, no, no. Yeah. People, you just.

22:26 Dr. Bruce Endear myself.

22:27 Adam Women, women, women want to take care of you. Men want to beat the crap out of you. But women want to really just sort of nuzzle you to their bosom.

22:35 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

22:36 Adam Okay.

22:36 Caller All right.

22:38 Adam Dr. Bruce, everybody. He's like an onion. I keep peeling him and he just, there's just another layer.

22:44 Dr. Bruce That's right. There's a lot you don't know about me.

22:46 Adam Wow. Well, I normally, there's a lot I don't want to know about you, but I'm starting to look at you in a different way. Possibly a man of passion. That's my former partner, Drew. Yeah.

22:58 Dr. Bruce Drew's a man of passion.

22:59 Adam Well.

23:00 Dr. Bruce So his wife's telling me.

23:01 Adam Well, oh boy. She has a couple of cosmopolitans out at the dinner and starts explaining Drew's passion. Very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. We'll take a quick break. When we come back, thinks girlfriend has personality disorder. Look, you understand I'm tired of talking to what the JO guys with their bogus questions. Not that Chris is a bogus question, but how about some chicks? Any link between taking birth control pills? That's very boring. How come there's no deformities in birth anymore?

23:33 Dr. Bruce Well, we've eliminated a lot of the medications. We understand better what causes birth defects. Like, thalidomide, not a good drug to give.

23:42 Adam Yeah. Back in the day, there was always that one kid at school that had the weird pincher arm, had a weird little crab pincher arm. There was always that chick who had the leg that was shorter than the other, so they had to put the three-inch heel on the tennis shoe that was always creepy looking. You know what I'm saying? You could count on that. And no matter how bad you felt, you'd always just go look at the chick with the three-inch worth of heel and the half-inch on the other shoe, or the guy with the weird claw where his hand was, and you'd feel better about yourself. Kids don't have that opportunity today. Everyone's just fat. You know, everyone's got four limbs and, you know, 20 digits, and then it's just big fat asses. But nobody's got that short leg anymore. What happened to the short leg guy?

24:29 Dr. Bruce Well, there's still...

24:30 Adam Ah, you don't see that short leg. Remember that short leg guy? Remember that weird, weird, creepy heel? Like, wearing the same tennis shoe, the same pair of vans, except for one had four inch thick heel, and the other one was just regular size, and it was creepy.

24:45 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

24:46 Adam Where is that guy? You had that guy, right?

24:48 Dr. Bruce Yeah, we did.

24:49 Adam I was just driving through my old neighborhood, and I point out my buddy, that's where the weird short arm guy was. Yeah, overcompensated with sports, you know, but the point is, is where is that guy? I want him back. Get that short leg guy back. You know what I'm saying?

25:05 Dr. Bruce I'm sure...

25:06 Adam It makes the other kids feel better.

25:08 Dr. Bruce Yeah, well, there's...

25:10 Adam Just work on that, would you?

25:11 Dr. Bruce All right, I'll talk to Drew.

25:13 Adam Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

25:24 Caller Loveline is brought to you by Wanted, a new original series.

25:27 Dr. Bruce The one and only Live 105.

25:35 Caller Yeah, Loveline.

25:36 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Who. Not Dr. Drew. Dr. Bruce, y'all. In the hizzy. Bringing a Starbucks. What's your name on your Starbucks cup?

25:50 Dr. Bruce Not when you order regular coffee. It's when you order these FooFoo coffees.

25:53 Adam Oh, really?

25:53 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

25:54 Adam Yeah. All right.

25:56 Dr. Bruce You'd never order like mint frappuccino, right? I can't see where it goes.

26:00 Adam Well, here's the thing. I love all that crap, but I'm not kidding myself. If I'm going to do that, I'm just going to get a milkshake.

26:06 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

26:07 Adam You know what I mean? I mean, if I'm going to suck up 800 calories, how many calories is that? Oh, maybe 2,000 or something. Whatever it is, I'm just going with the milkshake.

26:17 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

26:17 Adam I'm not going to kid myself into thinking something that has a layer of nougat and then a layer of fudge and then a layer of caramel and then four inches of whipped cream on it. It's just a coffee.

26:30 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

26:32 Adam The reality is, there's an interesting thing that's going on which is people decided a few years back, they want to start eating more healthily or healthier or more healthily-er. But we still like stuff that tastes good. So what we started doing is, well, look, granola bars suck, candy bars are awesome, people want to eat healthy, people like the taste of the candy bar. We'll make a candy bar and just call it a granola bar.

27:02 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

27:02 Adam So we'll have the double nut cluster fudge granola bar. It's got more calories than a snicker and it'll stop your heart after two bites.

27:10 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

27:11 Adam But we write granola on it, we just write health food bar on it and then people eat that. People don't want it, people realize drinking a shake for breakfast is not really the way to go and just go into McDonald's and order a milkshake, but they like the taste of it, so we'll make it a shake, but we'll just call it coffee. And so what'd you have for breakfast? I had a granola bar and a coffee. You had four thousand calories.

27:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

27:39 Adam Not in a brand. Well, what about the brand muffin?

27:41 Dr. Bruce Well, they throw in something healthy to eat along with the high calorie drink.

27:45 Adam No, I said the granola bar though.

27:47 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Okay.

27:48 Adam See?

27:48 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

27:49 Adam Now listen.

27:50 Dr. Bruce Energy bar.

27:51 Adam Energy bar.

27:52 Dr. Bruce That's another.

27:53 Adam You're confusing my point.

27:54 Dr. Bruce Okay.

27:55 Adam There's my point.

27:55 Dr. Bruce Proceed.

27:56 Adam My point is the coffee is not a coffee. It's a milkshake. The energy bar is not an energy bar or health bar. It's a candy bar.

28:05 Dr. Bruce Right.

28:05 Adam Chlorically, there's no difference between that triple frappuccino with all the whipped cream in it and a milkshake. There's no difference between a candy bar and that energy bar you're eating. So we're psyching ourselves out and getting fatter all the while.

28:18 Dr. Bruce And you pay twice as much.

28:20 Adam That's true. All right. Now, see, that's what you call a valid point. Yeah, just go get a Snickers and a Yoo-hoo. Same deal. Probably better off. I bet you a Yoo-hoo has less calories in it than one of those Starbucks, you know, frou-frou drinks.

28:39 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I'm not sure what's in Yoo-hoo, though. I don't think it starts with milk, even.

28:43 Adam It's crazy. It's chocolate water. I guess it's good, though. Chris?

28:49 Caller Yes, sir.

28:50 Adam 24?

28:51 Caller Yes, sir.

28:52 Hey, I have a very, very complex and intricate situation.

28:56 Adam All right, hold on a second. You see these yahoos? Let's talk to Tracy for a second.

29:03 Dr. Bruce What was what was wrong with that call? He has a complex and interesting situation.

29:06 Adam Let me tell you, my spidey sense is tingling. Tracy?

29:09 Dr. Bruce Yes.

29:10 Adam 26? What's up, baby doll?

29:14 Dr. Bruce I just had a question actually for Dr. Drew, but I could certainly ask Dr. Bruce.

29:19 Adam Well, you'll have no choice.

29:21 Dr. Bruce Apparently.

29:24 Adam I said good day.

29:25 Dr. Bruce Hopefully, he's good. I haven't heard much of the show tonight, so I'm not going to be here.

29:29 Dr. Bruce He's lucky.

29:30 Adam He's better. It's just it's luck. It's really he's a better car with worse sheet metal.

29:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you're doing a tough love thing tonight, aren't you, Adam?

29:41 Dr. Bruce No, yeah.

29:41 Adam No, I'm saying it's a better engine, better drive train, better suspension. It's just the curves of the fender aren't as supple.

29:48 Dr. Bruce I don't know. I'm a big fan of Dr. Drew, but it's all relative. My question is that I have problems with my hips and during sex I like to be on top. I really enjoy it. I guess along with a lot of other women, that's the main way that or the easiest way that I can orgasm.

30:12 Adam What's wrong with your hips?

30:14 Dr. Bruce Well, you know, I'm not sure. I haven't had x-rays. I don't have an actual diagnosis of arthritis, but it's been a problem actually since I was younger, since I was a kid. And so, my question would be whether there are any things that the doctor would think that I could do to make it a little bit easier, basically to be able to last a little bit longer, because after a few minutes, I'm in quite a bit of pain.

30:43 Adam Yeah. Maybe you should go ahead and break down and get an MRI, figure out what's going on with your hips.

30:51 Dr. Bruce Okay.

30:53 Dr. Bruce Have you had any kind of medical evaluation of your hip pain?

30:56 Dr. Bruce You know, I haven't. I mean, it's not like when I'm working, when I'm walking, doing day-to-day things that bothers me, it's just the physical, the strenuous activity.

31:06 Adam Yeah, but you're 26. You're not supposed to have these problems. Can you jog?

31:12 Dr. Bruce Um, yeah. I don't. I mean, I walk a lot. I don't jog. No, I'm 5'4, 115 pounds.

31:24 Adam What are you doing in Alaska?

31:27 Dr. Bruce A lot. Nothing. Depends on the time of day, I guess.

31:30 Adam Well, what's happening? Did you flee something? Is your dad in trouble with the Feds?

31:35 Dr. Bruce I moved up here with my parents when I was a teenager.

31:37 Adam Yeah, was your dad running from the man?

31:40 Dr. Bruce Yeah, yeah.

31:42 Adam Yeah, everyone in. Let me just say something. I was telling someone earlier today, I was talking to some guys, deadbeat folks that grew up in Alaska. When I'm in charge, here's what I'm doing. I'm going to round up, I'm going to Alaska, I'm sending all federal ATF people and all my federal marshals to Alaska, Florida, and Nevada. And I'm just taking out the garbage. Like, I'm like, look, you guys are here, something's going on. I'm going to stop, I'm just going to stop everyone and start just going down. You'll find a rap sheet a mile long. They all kill the man in Reno just to watch him die. There's something, there's some fleeing. Deadbeat dads, who do you, what do you do? You owe the IRS money, what's going on? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to Alaska and I'm just going to walk around and I'm going to say, let me smell your fingers. If I don't smell fish, that means you ain't working at a cannery. That means get in the van.

32:33 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

32:34 Adam Get in the van. Bruce, I mean it, get in the van. Do you know what I'm saying?

32:39 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Alaska's the last.

32:41 Adam Yeah. Now, here's a hypothetical. What kind of parents would you rather have? Don't tell me about growing up in cold weather, warm weather or anything, just the parents, the mindset of the parent, all right? Would you rather have parents that decide it was a good idea to flee to Alaska, flee to Nevada or flee to Florida?

33:02 Dr. Bruce Alaska.

33:03 Adam Yeah, me too. At least there were just hippie wilderness people that had trouble with the man and authority. Fleeing to Nevada, they had some kind of get rich quick scheme and it probably ended up whoring you out in your like your eighth birthday. You know, Nevada is probably the worst. Yeah, right? But Florida, second, white trash, still on the lamb. Alaska, these are all the three places you flee to when life didn't work out. This is what happens. It's not like you're flourishing. It's not like you're living in Virginia and everything's going according to plan and you go to Alaska.

33:38 Dr. Bruce No, Alaska is a real frontier. You still can have that frontier spirit.

33:42 Adam It's the last stop on the S train. Know what I'm saying?

33:47 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Anyway, so Tracy.

33:50 Adam What she want?

33:52 Dr. Bruce All right, Tracy, I've worked with disabled patients, patients that have physical disabilities, and there are books written on alternative sexual positions and things you can do. You're talking about being on top, being on the bottom, but there are a lot of other positions. There are a lot of other...

34:08 Dr. Bruce Moving around and switching positions to just to sort of keep from...

34:13 Adam Look, Tracy, he's not going to have any advice on what position to get in. He's just going to tell you to forget about the position and see the foe-sition. Know what I'm saying? Right, I see a doctor. Find out what's going on with your hips.

34:27 Dr. Bruce Yeah, there are congenital conditions which would express themselves with the symptoms you're describing where an orthopedic surgeon could help you. And that's the first thing I do. And then secondly, there are other ways to have sex and to be intimate that provide you with pleasure.

34:43 Adam Get one of them wicker baskets, you know, that hang from the ceiling.

34:46 Dr. Bruce Sex toys.

34:47 Adam Tracy, what are you doing?

34:49 Dr. Bruce So I go and get checked out and so if there's nothing, so barring these conditions, what are the other resources that you're referring to?

34:57 Dr. Bruce Well, I'm saying there are books written for people that have problems with certain positions or have physical disabilities that provide them with pleasure and are an alternative.

35:09 Dr. Bruce Any particular author or title?

35:13 Dr. Bruce Last time I went down, if you have a Barnes and Nobles or a Boarders, they have whole sections on things like this.

35:18 Dr. Bruce Oh, okay.

35:19 Adam There's a whole, kind of, Nail People and Wheelchair section.

35:22 Dr. Bruce I've checked it out. Not necessarily, but...

35:23 Adam Hi, Tracy, what are you doing over there? You working? What kind of work do you do?

35:29 Dr. Bruce I'm a, I'm a veterinary assistant.

35:35 Adam Hmm. Maybe, well, so maybe the veterinarians got some ideas. I mean, they deal with a lot of hip problems as vet, right?

35:44 Dr. Bruce We do.

35:45 Adam Yeah. Do you have a...

35:46 Dr. Bruce Hip dysplasia. Yeah.

35:47 Adam What's going on? And Tracy?

35:48 Dr. Bruce I'll throw myself on the x-ray table tomorrow.

35:50 Adam Yeah. What's going on with your boyfriend? Do you have a boyfriend or a husband or what do you got?

35:54 Dr. Bruce A boyfriend.

35:56 Dr. Bruce All right.

35:56 Adam How's that going?

35:57 Dr. Bruce Good.

35:58 Dr. Bruce All right.

35:59 Adam Everything's fine?

36:00 Dr. Bruce Yep.

36:00 Adam What's he fleeing from? Is he a first-generation fleer or were his parents fleeing or how did it work?

36:09 Dr. Bruce You know, I don't really know.

36:12 Dr. Bruce How many Native Alaskans do you meet? Most of them transplants?

36:17 Dr. Bruce There are actually quite a few people up here that have been up here for generations.

36:21 Adam Your folks still live there? Where's your real dad?

36:26 Dr. Bruce Oh, God. You're just trying to break me down, Adam.

36:29 Adam Where's your real dad?

36:32 Dr. Bruce That doesn't really concern me.

36:34 Adam But where's the real, where's your blood dad? Where's your real dad?

36:37 Dr. Bruce He's in Colorado.

36:39 Adam Uh-huh.

36:39 Dr. Bruce You expected Nevada or Florida, didn't you?

36:42 Adam No, but I knew he wasn't there. You went with your mom and your son.

36:45 Dr. Bruce How do you know these things? Where do you pick this up? Well, I guess because everybody has some.

36:50 Adam No, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I got.

36:52 Dr. Bruce So angry.

36:53 Adam I'll tell you honestly. Yeah, I'll tell you what. I have this weird meter, Tracy. And don't take this the wrong way because it's not meant. It's not meant to harm or hurt. But I respond in an uncanny way to if anyone has any anger in them at all. And you got a little anger in you. Not a lot.

37:13 Dr. Bruce No, you're absolutely right. It's taken me a long time to get that from a lot to a little though.

37:18 Adam Yeah. And I even pick up trace amounts. I'm like one of these. I'm like a Geiger counter. I just go in and I can pick up little itty bitty pieces of radiation. You know what I'm like? I'm like at the airport when they run that thing. They run the swabs across your suitcase and your forehead and everything. And they see if there's any residue, any gunpowder, just trace amounts of anger. Chicks have anger in them when their dad screwed them over. You just have trace amounts in you, but enough so that I know something went on.

37:53 Dr. Bruce Which then hopefully you will admit is pretty impressive since I had two dads leave me.

37:57 Adam You had two dads leave you? Yeah.

37:59 Dr. Bruce That's impressive.

38:00 Adam Well, it's not so impressive that I couldn't pick up on it though. What's that?

38:06 Dr. Bruce I said you got to give me a prop though because I only have trace amounts and I've been through a lot.

38:11 Adam All right. All right. That's good. And so here's the key to your life. Don't take it out on all men. Your boyfriend's not your dad and he's not your other dad either. Nope. All right. All right. Good luck with the moose or whatever you work with over there. You get the little anger in her voice too though. Oh, yes. Angry chicks means dad screwed them over.

38:36 Dr. Bruce Oh, I agree.

38:37 Adam It's not too hard to figure out. Two guys. All right. You ready to take a break, Bruce? Who do you want to talk to? Chris again?

38:43 Dr. Bruce Personality disorder is fascinating.

38:45 Adam Chris?

38:46 Yeah.

38:47 Adam What's up there, buddy?

38:49 I've got a pretty dynamic situation for you to solve. I'm in a reasonably involved relationship with my girlfriend. She's six years older than me, which makes her 30. I'm 24. Pretty confident.

39:12 Adam A lot of math is going on so far.

39:14 Pardon me?

39:15 Adam Yeah. Okay. She's six years older. You're 24. She's dirty.

39:19 Caller She's 30. She's newly divorced. She has a child out of wedlock, and I'm pretty sure she has a diagnosable psychological disorder.

39:32 Adam All right. Hold on a second, Chris. I'm going to put you on hold. Turn down whatever's going on in the background.

39:38 Dr. Bruce Bruce and I are going to skip to the little boy's room and talk about personality disorders when we come back.

39:44 Adam Yeah, we'll come back. We'll hit Chris up and all that after this.

40:00 Dr. Bruce The one and only Live 105.

40:08 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce, filming for Dr. Brew, who should be in Tomorrow Night. John from System of a Down is going to be in here tomorrow night. Went to System of a Down's restaurant. Went to the Armenian food restaurant.

40:27 Dr. Bruce Yeah, good stuff. Yeah.

40:29 Adam Yeah, it was awesome. They were having, I went there Saturday night.

40:35 Dr. Bruce Oh, you did?

40:36 Adam Yeah. Walked in there like, what is, what is you? When he ate this, you eat that side. I said, what's packed outside? There's nobody in the dining room. This, we have entertainment.

40:49 Dr. Bruce Oh, belly dancing.

40:51 Adam I was like, well, what so, so the point is they're having a big party. They like their music, those folks over there. Yeah, they're one, one. I would, I would like to figure out one day, just on some sort of cosmic level, which music sucks more, the native Armenian stuff or the, or the Tejano stuff, the, you know, Mariachi stuff.

41:16 Dr. Bruce You mean when you're in the restaurant, they come by the table and play it in your ear and you're not real?

41:20 Adam No, just on the radio. Like here's, here's, here made my challenge to you. Which would drive you nuts faster if I just put you in a room and there's nothing in that room but a speaker and a loaded nine millimeter pistol? What, what would you blow your head off faster if just, just hearing the Mariachi music, you know, just, just that crazy, horrible accordion driven crap or the, the stylish sounds of the Armenian music?

41:54 Dr. Bruce I can't choose between it too.

41:56 Adam What do you think, kill yourself thinking about a tie? Really?

42:00 Dr. Bruce I know those guys hate it when people call their music Armenian.

42:02 Adam What about Ranchero music though?

42:05 Dr. Bruce My thing is being in a restaurant, loud music when you want to talk to somebody.

42:08 Adam If you're in a situation where you don't want to be with people, but let's not forget that the music blows. You understand?

42:15 Dr. Bruce Well, what would you pick?

42:18 Adam I would kill myself on the first one. They pumped in, so I wouldn't have to hear the second one. So whichever one they pick first is the one I would kill myself. What I wouldn't want to do is listen to the Persian music and then listen to the Tejano music and then kill myself. I would just kill myself immediately.

42:34 Dr. Bruce Even after a couple of drinks because that's certainly-

42:37 Adam No.

42:38 Dr. Bruce Notifies the experience.

42:39 Adam Kill myself immediately.

42:40 Dr. Bruce The system, they hate it when people call their music Armenian-influenced. I know that.

42:43 Adam Nobody calls it that.

42:45 Dr. Bruce Oh yeah.

42:45 Adam Chris?

42:46 Caller Yes.

42:47 Adam 24?

42:49 Caller Yeah.

42:49 Adam Go ahead, buddy. So your girlfriend, let's just recap. Let's just recap. Your girlfriend is 30. She's newly divorced. She has a child, not from this relationship or out of wedlock, as you say.

43:05 Yes.

43:08 Adam Yeah. See there?

43:10 Dr. Bruce Chris? Yeah.

43:13 Adam Stupid. We have the phone lines are effed up.

43:15 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

43:15 Adam And everyone can hear them but us. It's an awesome thing. Like you know how you couldn't hear what he was saying? Everyone who listens to the show can hear what he's saying. And they can hear us going, are you there? Are you there? Are you there? And they're like, of course, retard. He's there. I heard him answer six times. It's an awesome setup.

43:31 Dr. Bruce Yeah. We could put a radio on you.

43:33 Adam Do you realize it's better if just nobody can hear what he says? Absolutely. That's tenfold better than what we have now, which is just us not being able to hear the response. All right. I'm going to Germany or Florida. We'll get back with Chris. Huey?

43:47 Caller Yes.

43:48 Adam You're 19?

43:49 Caller Yes.

43:50 Adam All right. Let's play some Germany or Florida.

43:52 Caller Okay. A man is charged with murder after his three-year-old son was pummeled into unconsciousness and then death. The toddler's mother testified their husband thought the boy might be gay, and forced him to box. The mother told the court that her husband would make the boy fight with him, slapping the boy in the head until he cried or wet himself. The man would starve the boy, and she said that on one occasion, her husband slammed the boy's head against the wall because he was vomiting. Germany or Florida. Wow.

44:22 Adam Now to me, now I know this is either an Asian or a Jewish family. I've never been wrong on that one. I can't narrow it down between the Asian and the Jew, but I know it's, I know, I don't want to hear it, you know.

44:36 Dr. Bruce That tells me you're going for Florida.

44:38 Adam Well, it started with Florida because all right, you just, you beat a toddler to death. Easy, lay up Florida. But then the for being gay part felt a little German.

44:51 Dr. Bruce I'm going with Germany because he's so insistent. I mean, he's just got multiple, if it was just one incident impulsive on drugs type thing, Florida, this guy's organized about it.

45:02 Adam Oh, really?

45:03 Dr. Bruce He's regimented.

45:04 Adam Interesting. Interesting.

45:05 Dr. Bruce That's my, all right.

45:06 Adam You know, you know, my plan is to bomb Germany again.

45:09 Dr. Bruce Really?

45:09 Adam Uh-huh. I'm going to explain that to you during the break. Huey, I'm going Florida.

45:16 Dr. Bruce I'm going Germany.

45:17 Adam Dr. DeJure, I'm tired of remembering all the Marcells and the Dr. Benz and all this crap. I was just going to call you Dr. DeJure.

45:28 Dr. Bruce I'll put some gold jewel around next time.

45:29 Adam Dr. DeJure is a solid porn name, too. Dr. DeJure, soup of the day, creamy asparagus, baby. Know what I'm saying?

45:40 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

45:41 Adam Okay. All right. I go Florida. You go Germany. Huey, the answer is...

45:46 Caller It's Florida.

45:48 Adam Yeah. Yeah. You see, the beating, the beating to death of the child fell Florida into me. Yeah. I know the gay part fell a little German. You thought he was methodical. I know it's got to be an Asian or Jew because I know, you know, I know how those people work. Yeah. They say the nationality of the guy, Huey?

46:08 Caller No. Pretty sure what.

46:10 Adam Thank God. All right. Thanks, Huey.

46:13 Caller Can I say hey to a couple of people?

46:15 Adam Yeah. Go ahead. No.

46:19 Caller Let him.

46:20 Adam Huey, go on. Three people. Go.

46:22 Caller OK. Hey to Mandy and hey to Hashmir Shashmir.

46:26 Adam OK. Awesome. Mandy sounded hotter.

46:31 Dr. Bruce Yeah. The other guy smoking.

46:32 Adam All right. Let me let me do a little piece of business and then we'll try to get back with Chris after the break. You know what, Bruce? One lucky person and I's going to win a direct party pack. You know what that includes? What? CDs. And these are good CDs. A poker set. You get some money. They give you free money and they give you a bunch of directs condoms each night. This week I'm going to decide who the best call was. And so far Huey was he's made the top 10. And that person's going to get a party pack winner. Must be 18 years exactly. Today has to be their 18th birthday.

47:09 Dr. Bruce Yeah, right.

47:09 Adam Now 18 years or older and you'll win. So it's brought to you by directs. There's sex and then there's directs. Nice, huh? See why I sold that? We will take ourselves a quick break. We'll be right back after this. I've been looking for this video for like 10 years. I actually gave up my quest.

48:07 Dr. Bruce Wow.

48:08 Adam Yeah.

48:08 Dr. Bruce Is it rare or is it just?

48:10 Adam Well, here's what happened. I was looking through a porno magazine in like 1997, maybe 96. I was looking at a review of this movie with Ron Jeremy in it. I thought, wow, this movie seems like my kind of movie. So I thought, I wonder where I could get this movie. Then I thought, there's nothing you can do about it. Then I thought, why not? Pick up the phone, call the video store. They have it, you go get it. It'll never work, I thought to myself. But I thought, you know what? Just try it. Now, the name of the movie is called Spank Me, F Me, and it's not F Me, it's got the entire word in there.

48:55 Dr. Bruce Sure does.

48:55 Adam Right? Which is not a great marketing tool.

48:59 Dr. Bruce No.

48:59 Adam Because you can't put billboards up, they spank me with, you know. So I called the video store, not Blockbuster, I called your basic sort of Ma and Pa, semi, pretty big filth section. Right. I was like, all of a sudden, you get real serious? Yes. I'm looking for an adult title. I was like, and the guy is like, yeah, they're all just angry homos who work at this place. They're like, yeah, what do you need? I'm like, well, it's called Spank Me. But I didn't want to say, of course, the entire word. You know, so I actually said F me. So I said, it's called Spank Me, F me. And he's like, excuse me.

49:48 Dr. Bruce Oh, come on. I couldn't get from F to the rest of the word.

49:51 Adam Well, I don't know if he thought it was a prank call or something.

49:55 Dr. Bruce Personality disorder.

49:55 Adam No, he knew. He knew what I meant. But it's a strange title for a for a movie.

50:01 Dr. Bruce You know, double entendre. So it's like, right, right. Clever, clever.

50:05 Adam Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, no, yeah. No, it's right. They have some double entendre. They, you know, saving Ryan's privates or something is what they do. They don't they don't do spank me, F me. How creatively out the lunch you have to be. That's the porno. That's the title. What do you do? You sit around? We're going to name this porn movie. What do you got Herb? Spank me. Spank me? It's good, but it's not great. How about you, Tim? How about spank me, F me, boss? Fantastic. Excelsior. Awesome. Yeah. So I say to the guy, I repeat it. I say, spank me, F me. And he's like, uh, and then I said, spank me, but I said the whole word.

50:55 Dr. Bruce He wanted you to say the whole word.

50:56 Adam I said the whole word and he hung up. And I thought, that's what you get for trying, Corolla. And then I started getting angry at the idiots, Cleveco, it's called, that the idiots who come up with these titles that are so goddamn humiliating, that normal people can't go like rent or buy them because of ridiculous, heinous, vile titles, that it's humiliating. The other thing I started thinking about with porn, too, I don't know if people even rent it anymore, but back when you would rent it, there were like each side of the porn box, you know, one side just looks like someone lit off, just lit off a jizz grenade.

51:36 Dr. Bruce Yeah, and the other side.

51:37 Adam That would be a good name for punk band. Jizz grenade. Who are you guys playing with? Jizz grenade. Oh, awesome.

51:45 Dr. Bruce Calling the record store asking for jizz.

51:48 Adam Point is, one side is a bunch of little boxes that just look, it's just semen flying everywhere, and then the other part is some chick sucking her own boob with like a strap on it, and you're like, how am I supposed to get from the back of the store to the front of the store with this disaster? You couldn't make one side of it palatable so I could just put the bad side against my hip and limp to the front counter. I got to stand in between the bull dyke who's renting Jeremiah Johnson, and the kid who's got the Elmo, the Elmo series, and I got this thing with just a jizz grenade. You know what I mean? There's nothing you can do with it. There's no good side that can be seen by society. Here's what I'm saying, here's what I'm saying, Bruce. What is it, what's in it for the porn industry to make people that are a little bit self-conscious about their product? Do they have to make it so humiliating? You know what I mean? It's like if you came up with a candy called Fatty Chubby Tub of Goo, you know, like it's already people are thinking about the calories when they eat your candy. Don't call it fatty flakes. It freaks people out. They won't want to do it. You know what I'm saying? Your job in the porn industry should be making boxes that aren't humiliating so guys can get to the front counter with them.

53:12 Dr. Bruce They're trying to sort the men from the boys, Adam. And I would not have imagined you would have any, any embarrassment in you. And walking in and proudly asking for, spank me, f me.

53:23 Adam On the phone, they hung up on me.

53:25 Dr. Bruce You listen, he wanted you to come in face to face.

53:27 Adam You realize like when you're just standing, you're standing in line and you're holding a eubangus uranus 29.

53:33 Dr. Bruce I have no concept of what that would be like.

53:35 Adam Do you know what that is like?

53:38 Dr. Bruce No.

53:38 Adam They just, they couldn't even call it, they can't even, you know, they couldn't just call it erotic pleasures or something. It's got to be eubangus uranus. You know what I mean? It's just comical novelty. Like it meant to humiliate.

53:51 Dr. Bruce Yeah. They just want you to go for it.

53:54 Adam You know what I'm saying? Here's what, here's what, here's what, tampons, they're not called the coups wicks. You know, they're called tampons. You know, they're called vagina sponge. Do you know what I mean? You couldn't have a huge box that just said vagina sponge on it. It'd be too humiliating. People wouldn't buy it. You say tampon or maxi pad. Do you know what I mean?

54:19 Dr. Bruce Yeah. I think it's slightly different marketing psychology. No, but no, they're......product to the other.

54:24 Adam No, it's called preparation H, not a-hole cream. Do you understand what I'm saying? We have certain... They're called suppositories, not butt darts. Do you understand what I'm saying? We have this in other parts of society because things are considered a little bit sensitive. We don't want to make people self-conscious. Spank me, F me, not a great plan. They could have moved many more products, one to more. I would have had one of these things ten years ago if it wasn't such a humiliating title.

54:57 Dr. Bruce You don't call blockbusters, you said, so who sells... Look, here's the thing.

55:02 Adam First off, this was a different era. This is a different time. This is back when porn stores, they still have them. I don't know who rents porn anymore. It's $3 for 90 hours of just pure filth. I don't know who's going to rent this stuff anymore. But the thing about it is, is this is back when the back of the store was filled with the filth, the front of the store was filled with all the children's titles and you had to make it through the front of the store to rent the porn and stand in line with the normal civilians. See, here's the thing too. If you're going to put the porn in the back of the store, go ahead and put another cash register back there, just have to be the porn register.

55:46 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

55:46 Adam We got to run the gauntlet through the Christian right to make it to the counter to get judged by the goth bitch who's standing behind the counter. Know what I mean?

55:57 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

55:58 Adam All right.

55:58 Dr. Bruce All right.

55:59 Adam I'm just saying, can't you make, can't they make one side of the box not look like snuff film? You know what I mean? Just one side. Make a normal side so you got a choice. You can put it against your hip.

56:13 Dr. Bruce I'm surprised you haven't brought this up with one of the, you ever talked to anybody that makes these decisions?

56:17 Adam I'm doing the keynote address at the, no. You actually thought I was talking to a porn convention.

56:24 Dr. Bruce I would have believed it, but.

56:26 Adam Yeah. Very gullible. Chris?

56:29 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

56:30 Adam All right. So like an hour ago, you're talking to us about your girlfriend is 30, she has a kid, she's just divorced.

56:38 Caller Yeah.

56:38 Adam She got personality disorder. So what's the question?

56:42 Caller The question is this. I'm pretty sure she may be borderline like bipolar. She's, I mean, she's sleeping on my chest every night, whispering, pillow talk in my ear that she loves me, yada yada on and on. I mean, the same thing every day. However, when she gets a little bit of alcohol in her, she's going out on these excursions with other men.

57:03 Adam And I mean, she'll call me. Let me, let me just, let me just nip this off at the past. You're 24, she's 30, she's got problems, she's got baggage, she's got a lot in her rear view. And you need to put her in your rear view. Just go out with some 23 year old college student not carrying around the baggage and the kids and all that crap. Just do it. You guys have no idea what you're doing when you hook up with these chicks.

57:37 Dr. Bruce Well the most important thing is, I think he's already exhibited some sort of problem behavior here. To find out what's going on with him would be a very important... Why is he attracted to this woman in the first place?

57:49 Adam I'm bored by everything but the sound of my own voice. You know what I'm saying? Hey, his phone line keeps cutting in and out. There's nothing to find out. Chris, just get rid of her. Just move on. Sounds good. Here's the deal. He doesn't care or it's bogus anyway. You don't want the kid getting attached to you. That's the last thing you want. This poor kid is going to have it tough enough. Doesn't need Uncle Chris to hang out for the next 18 months, get attached and then have him split. Leave Crazy Mom alone. Do not take on these projects, everybody.

58:25 Dr. Bruce Right. But we could point out that Chris probably has some issues himself that he doesn't yet understand that he's trying to get into.

58:31 Adam But what 24 year old guy doesn't? Well, now look, here's the deal. You should have the same mindset you have going into buying a home, which is if you have no tools, no ability, you're not handy, you're not a contractor, buy a condo. Don't buy no maintenance. Don't buy fixer upper. This is a money pit. This is a fixer upper. You're not equipped. You need you need to you need to be a license and bonded contractor to handle handle this nut job and you ain't it. You got you got your little you got one of those little crappy hammers where the handle and screws and there's a screwdriver in it. That's a bad sign.

59:12 Dr. Bruce But he's attracted to the fixer upper and I'm saying that there's a reason for that. You ask him about his parents.

59:17 Adam You're going to get you're going to get eaten up.

59:19 Dr. Bruce So he don't do it. Yeah.

59:21 Adam All right. You ready to rock?

59:22 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Heather.

59:25 Hi.

59:26 Adam 19.

59:27 Well, I love the show. Adam, you're my Jesus. You're hilarious.

59:31 Adam Thank you.

59:32 I have a question for Dr. Bruce.

59:34 Adam Will Jesus talk about renting porn for 10 minutes? I feel like he would own porn. I don't think so. He rents.

59:40 He's too smart to own it. By the way, about your earlier comment, tampon actually is kind of crude. It means plug in French, I believe.

59:47 Adam Right. But I bet it's called something else in France.

59:52 No, it's called tampon.

59:53 Adam All right. By the point is, we're not in France.

59:57 True.

59:58 Adam If it's called blood plug, it would be disgusting. That's all I'm saying. Call the porn something that you can buy, something that's palatable. Go ahead, Heather.

1:00:10 All right. I was just wondering, Dr. Bruce, if you knew if there was a connection between birth control and deformity in a baby?

1:00:21 Dr. Bruce No, I'm not aware of that. One of the reasons would be, you're taking birth control, you're taking very low dose hormones that would mimic a normal blood levels of your androgens, estrogens, gesturons. So, some of the more potent hormones that were given, diethylstilbestrol, things like that, did cause birth defects. But the type of levels of hormones you're getting with a birth control pill wouldn't give you birth defects.

1:00:52 Oh, okay.

1:00:53 Adam Go, go, baby.

1:00:54 That was pretty much it, actually.

1:00:56 Adam All right.

1:00:57 I heard that they had made a weak connection and I didn't know if...

1:01:00 Adam Well, we never, I've never heard of that. You've heard of this?

1:01:04 Dr. Bruce No. Oh, okay.

1:01:05 Adam Well, don't go with a well and then do your head thing.

1:01:08 Dr. Bruce You've never heard of it? No.

1:01:09 Adam No connection.

1:01:10 Okay.

1:01:11 Dr. Bruce All right.

1:01:11 Adam Heather, what do you got? You're on birth control?

1:01:13 Caller Oh, no. This is actually, I just found out that my mother took birth control for a month on accident after my older brother was born, or after she got pregnant with my older brother. And he has nandiformities, but they just weren't sure of the cause. And they said it might have been that.

1:01:32 Dr. Bruce Well, there's speculation about a lot of medications that are categorized as possible connection. But and this may have been a long time ago when there were higher dose pills. But today, I don't think that's an issue.

1:01:44 Adam I don't see those orthopedic shoes anymore either. It's crazy Fred McMurray leather shoes. There's always some weird kid who was wearing the dress shoes because he had orthopedic shoes.

1:01:55 Dr. Bruce There's also better treatments today. Or they have.

1:01:58 Adam Then they had those polio braces. Remember those?

1:02:00 Dr. Bruce Yeah, well, they had polio.

1:02:02 Adam Oh, yeah. Is that why they call them polio braces? Oh, okay. And then they had those, you know what you don't see anymore? Those crazy polio crutches. I think they're not even polio crutches. They're just the ones that are sort of half crutch, half ski pole, you know, where it goes up your arm a little, it's got that weird thing that snaps around, and then your hands are down, and it's for the, you know what I'm talking about? Where are those crutches?

1:02:29 Dr. Bruce You're just not hanging out with regular people anymore. You're a celebrity now. You're just in a different strata.

1:02:36 Adam No, but you know what I'm talking about? Here's your choices. You have crutches. You basically broke your legs skiing crutches. Then you got your walker. Then you got your stroke cane. That's the cane with the four legs, which I argue is not a cane.

1:02:54 Dr. Bruce What do you call that?

1:02:55 Adam Well, here's how I define a cane. If you hold the cane up and you let it go, it's got to fall over. If it stands there, it's either stuck in mud or it's not a cane. See what I'm saying? That's no stroke cane. That's a modified walker. I called a stroke walker, Texas Ranger.

1:03:13 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:03:13 Adam Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's one of those funky canes that got the four legs on it. At that point, just go ahead and get a walker.

1:03:23 Dr. Bruce It's sort of an in-between point between the cane, a little more stability with the four-pointed cane.

1:03:28 Adam Yeah. It's crude looking, though. Yeah. It doesn't say. Whoever did that just didn't seem like they have an engineering degree or anything. No. No.

1:03:39 Dr. Bruce I think they're very functional.

1:03:40 Adam Well, okay. But they look dorky.

1:03:42 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:03:42 Adam Then they used to have those crutches, the guys that were permanently crippled use. What are those ones called?

1:03:50 Dr. Bruce I don't know.

1:03:51 Adam You don't know? What kind of doctor are you?

1:03:54 Dr. Bruce The ones with the metal things for your upper arms.

1:03:56 Adam The ones that snap on to your forearms and then the part you grab on to would be down the cane a little like a police baton and the guys would learn that they'd go pretty good with those things. That's a full time crutch. That's no hobby.

1:04:10 Dr. Bruce And there's two of them usually.

1:04:11 Adam Oh, always two. One, you go in a circle. What happened to those? Didn't those used to be around?

1:04:19 Dr. Bruce They're still around.

1:04:20 Adam I don't see those anymore. Maybe they're doing something different with them.

1:04:24 Dr. Bruce Could be.

1:04:25 Adam You know what else has come a long way? Prostetics.

1:04:28 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:04:28 Adam Saw a guy running down my street with one the other day. And I realized this guy was strapping on his leg. Guys who have a missing leg always have better bodies. You know, they overcompensate. These guys always have these crazy physiques because they feel sort of like half a man. So they go nuts and they go to the gym and they just keep working out. So they end up looking better than the guys who have the legs.

1:04:54 Dr. Bruce Oh, the wheelchairs.

1:04:55 Adam Wheelchair guys are great, but even the guys who just have the leg and they're, you know, that weird Kevlar sprung thing, you know, that space age carbon carbon fiber titanium one, this stuff's like an SR-71. And I see the guy running down the street in the thing. And I see him hitting the this this this spring leg and he's bouncing on it. I realize this guy's got advantage. I'm not ready to saw my leg off. This guy's gonna kick my ass in a foot race. Yeah, he's better. I got a bunch of bone and flesh and veins and fat and hair and crap. This guy's just got a piece of titanium. Yeah.

1:05:29 Dr. Bruce Well, absolutely. I've wondered the same thing. When they're in excellent condition, they're physically fit and they have that.

1:05:36 Adam It's crazy.

1:05:36 Dr. Bruce There's some advantage.

1:05:38 Adam Well, they can't beat the sprinters, but they ain't far off.

1:05:43 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:05:43 Adam They're not quite as fast, you know, like the hundred meters, but they're getting close.

1:05:48 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:05:49 Adam I'm saying the prosthetic stuff is coming along.

1:05:51 Dr. Bruce Oh, amazing. Yeah.

1:05:52 Adam It used to be just had a wood stump for like the first 250 years.

1:05:56 Dr. Bruce No, they're close on the bionic limbs.

1:05:58 Adam Now they're getting bionic.

1:05:59 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:06:00 Adam Oh, it's coming.

1:06:01 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:06:01 Adam It's on. You know, I don't like, though, I don't like when they do the weird fleshy color stuff. I just go ahead and make it carbon black or something. The weird flesh stuff is creepy.

1:06:12 Dr. Bruce That's what they're going for, though. Complete bionic flesh colored limb.

1:06:16 Adam Awesome. What a future. They're going to rule us. That's why I'm kissing up to them now. I wouldn't kiss this guy's ass because I figured one day he's going to rule over me.

1:06:24 Dr. Bruce I don't think you're doing a very good job of kissing up to anybody.

1:06:26 Adam All right. Well, I'm in deep trouble. He's going to lord over me. I want to kiss the right ass. I don't mind kissing ass. It's got to be the right ass. You don't want to kiss the wrong ass. Alexis?

1:06:38 Dr. Bruce Adam.

1:06:39 Dr. Bruce Corolla.

1:06:41 Caller I love you.

1:06:42 Adam Thanks, baby doll. You're 16. What's up?

1:06:45 Dr. Bruce I have a little story I need to tell you for the reason why I'm asking you this.

1:06:49 Adam All right.

1:06:50 Dr. Bruce Well, I have a friend who's coming home after six months, and we want to have a little fun. I told him I would have anal sex with him again. But I was thinking, my dad has... What?

1:07:05 Adam Yeah, okay. That's fun. How old is the guy?

1:07:10 Dr. Bruce He's 21. We've been together for a year. And my dad had to...

1:07:17 Adam Where? Okay, we have a bad connection, but where is he? Is he in prison? Is he in the military? Where is he?

1:07:23 Dr. Bruce He's coming home from the military.

1:07:26 Adam All right.

1:07:27 Dr. Bruce Well, my dad has severe back pain, and he takes bucketing. Well, I got my hands on three 500-milligrams, and I have some diet pills from a girl I know. And I'm wondering if taking those.

1:07:42 Adam Perfectly healthy, sure. Yeah. Taking the diet pills.

1:07:46 Dr. Bruce And taking the, in the Vicodin, will that be like speed bonds? Will I die?

1:07:54 Adam Well, here's the thing. God bless you. You're doing what you can for the troops, you know? I mean.

1:07:59 Caller Yeah, to what you're...

1:08:01 Adam Yeah, she's got that brown ribbon around the old oak tree, you know? Given the troops' anal. She's 16.

1:08:10 Dr. Bruce And he's 21.

1:08:11 Adam He's 21.

1:08:12 Dr. Bruce Not good.

1:08:12 Adam Not good, but on the other hand, you know, the guy's got to have something to look forward to. He was just over there dodging, you know, car bombs and bouncing bettys for the last year. Now he's got a little brown rose waiting for him.

1:08:25 Dr. Bruce I wonder what his choices were. Go to the military or go to jail.

1:08:28 Adam Oh, how dare you say that.

1:08:30 Dr. Bruce I dare say that.

1:08:32 Adam Is he coming back from Iraq?

1:08:35 Dr. Bruce He's on a world cruise. He's in the Navy.

1:08:38 Adam World cruise?

1:08:39 Dr. Bruce Oh, they get in a ship and they stay on the ship forever. Who knows?

1:08:42 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:08:42 Adam Who is he? Kathy Lee?

1:08:44 Dr. Bruce No.

1:08:44 Adam What the hell is this world cruise? Go somewhere and start fighting.

1:08:48 Dr. Bruce Would any man be crazy to pass up a fine as Filipino?

1:08:53 Adam Are you Filipino or is he in the Philippines?

1:08:56 Dr. Bruce I'm Filipino.

1:08:57 Adam Yeah.

1:08:58 Dr. Bruce The thing is, he's a man and you're a child still, okay? And as much as you don't want to hear, you're not going to hear what I'm saying, I'm sure. But there are major problems when you're 16 and you're with a 21-year-old guy. Secondly, you're right. That's just like a speed ball. Energy pills.

1:09:14 Adam Is it? Yeah.

1:09:15 Dr. Bruce Energy pills, diet pills.

1:09:17 Adam Diet pills are sort of speedy, right?

1:09:18 Dr. Bruce They are speed. They're all related to amphetamines, okay?

1:09:22 Adam That suppresses your appetite.

1:09:25 Dr. Bruce Right. The genius pharmacologists have taken the basic structure and tried to change it so that it has less stimulant effect and more appetite suppressing effect. Doesn't matter. Your brain, your heart, they don't care. You're stimulating your heart. Your brain is like bad news.

1:09:41 Adam Okay. And is a Vicodin like an opiate effect?

1:09:44 Dr. Bruce Vicodin is like I detox. Many people have told me it's the closest thing to heroin and a pharmaceutical. It's it is an opiate.

1:09:52 Adam I got to say I've been hearing this about Vicodin for years and then I took some Vicodin and I was very disappointed.

1:10:00 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:10:00 Adam Very disappointed.

1:10:01 Dr. Bruce Right. Well, Vicodin is it's an opiate and people will either have generally one or two responses. It gives them energy and it makes them feel euphoric or else it makes them feel sick and they feel tired. And it has a lot to do with the way drugs affect the brain and addictions people get any of it.

1:10:18 Adam But I just got, yeah, listen, I could have drank a 40-ounce and gotten this high.

1:10:23 Dr. Bruce Right. But anyway, so it's a bad mixture. And the answer is, yeah, it's like a speed ball. But there are a lot of danger, there are a lot of inherent dangers in mixing opiates and stimulants.

1:10:34 Adam All right. Listen, Alexis, especially baby doll, first off, your dad's an opiate addict because he's got back pain and it's chronic and he can't go to work. And that just means junky, really.

1:10:47 Dr. Bruce He does work, he is working, but it's very hard for him.

1:10:50 Adam Where does he work?

1:10:52 He's an iron worker. He was in the Navy for nine and a half years.

1:10:57 Adam I'd be glad to know that.

1:10:58 Dr. Bruce He's a good daddy though. He's a very good daddy.

1:11:00 Adam Is he? Why do you humiliate him by giving one of his fellow listed men anal sex?

1:11:09 Dr. Bruce No, he got out before I was born and this is just a friend of mine.

1:11:14 Adam I know, but this guy's 21 and you're 16 and I know you're all woman, but chronologically you're still a kid. What's the hurry? Can you go to high school? Can you get some grades? Can you go to college?

1:11:29 Dr. Bruce I am making very good grades.

1:11:30 Adam You are.

1:11:32 Dr. Bruce I don't know why. We're just very good friends.

1:11:38 Adam I consider Bruce a good friend too. I'm going to pack his fudge tonight, although it's young and you never say never. But yeah, I know you just look, what the hell is going on in this country? Which is like, listen, baby, you're 16, he's 21, he's in the Navy, do not let him anally rape you. I know, I just, we're so tight, I consider him such a great friend.

1:12:07 Dr. Bruce You're amazing.

1:12:09 Adam What's that have to do with the anal sex?

1:12:12 Dr. Bruce Well, it just sounds like she's somebody that's had-

1:12:14 Adam You know how many friends I didn't get anal from in high school?

1:12:17 Dr. Bruce You're just jealous.

1:12:18 Adam Does it show?

1:12:19 Dr. Bruce Yeah. But, okay.

1:12:22 Adam Yeah.

1:12:22 Dr. Bruce But the energy pills and the Vicodin, it's something that's really popular in the street right now. A lot of people are doing it.

1:12:29 Adam You are going down a very nasty road that's Hershey Highway and there's a dead end. You understand?

1:12:39 Yeah. Yeah.

1:12:40 Adam You're not going anywhere, sweetie. Come on now. Come on. You're 16. What, you know, you want to get married, you want to get educated, you want to have a career. Slow down just a little bit. You're mixing the Vicodin with the Fen-Fen. It's just, would you do heroin and speed?

1:12:58 Dr. Bruce Oh, no. I've never done drugs before.

1:13:01 Dr. Bruce Okay. What?

1:13:02 Dr. Bruce I've never done drugs before. Okay.

1:13:04 Dr. Bruce So you're talking about doing drugs.

1:13:05 Adam You're going to freak out.

1:13:06 Dr. Bruce It's like doing heroin and speed. There is absolutely no difference. Your brain doesn't know that one's, that they're pharmaceutical pills.

1:13:12 Adam You're doing Dexies, baby.

1:13:14 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:13:15 Adam All right.

1:13:16 Dr. Bruce Secondly, what if you like it? You know, and here's, I mean, this sounds, I'm getting into the preachy part. You like it. Let's try it again. And again, and I don't know how many people I've treated in addiction medicine where they, that's the way they got started. And your brain never forgets.

1:13:29 Adam You're 16, baby. Your brain's still wet.

1:13:32 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:13:32 Adam Let it dry. Would you please?

1:13:34 Dr. Bruce All right. I just wanted to know if it was the same effect.

1:13:38 Adam All right.

1:13:38 Dr. Bruce It's, yes, it's the same, same life-threatening effect.

1:13:42 Dr. Bruce What?

1:13:44 Adam Look, imagine being her parent too. It's like bad news and bad news.

1:13:50 Dr. Bruce You think your parents are listening, maybe?

1:13:52 Adam I don't know what you imagine. That's like your daughter's, she's taking diet, oh my God, and, and she's taking Vicodin. Oh, yeah. And so it's 21 year old. Are you sitting down? Are you sitting down? Because you imagine this, this trifecta to her parents.

1:14:12 Dr. Bruce Oh, oh, but you know, you're right on with the painkiller thing because a lot of people get addicted to painkillers and it's a different thing. They can approach it like, well, I'm not an addict. I've got a chronic pain problem. Doesn't mean everybody with chronic pain is an addict.

1:14:25 Adam Let me ask you this, let me ask you this Bruce. Everyone loves Vicodin.

1:14:29 Dr. Bruce Yep.

1:14:30 Adam Everyone.

1:14:31 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Everyone.

1:14:33 Adam I haven't met a person that doesn't like Vicodin and I talked to Drew about this and I say, there's people out there who never had any problem with drugs or alcohol whatsoever, had some sort of injury or some sort of dental procedure or something happened when they were 40. Get prescribed Vicodin. You know, they're often running. And Drew's like, they're addicts. They're addicts. That means they're alcoholics. They're alcoholics. And I'm like, yeah, but they made it all the way to age 40 with nothing. They're alcoholics. They had no momentum with any drugs, no alcohol, no nothing. They never had a problem. And then all of a sudden, they get on Vicodin for two weeks and they're going. They're often running, as you say. He's like, they're alcoholics. They're alcoholics. And I keep, I'm arguing with him. Maybe it's semantics. But what I'm saying to him is, how can you have this huge segment of the population that never got any momentum with any other substance? And then all of a sudden, Vicodin, pow!

1:15:40 Dr. Bruce Well, they weren't exposed to anything that potent. Vicodin is very potent. It's an opiate.

1:15:43 Adam Could you be technically an alcoholic? And he just means susceptible to being addicted or having the gene and go through your whole adult life, practically being exposed to every drug and not have anything take. And then all of a sudden, boom!

1:15:57 Dr. Bruce Well, I doubt that that's the case. I mean, the addiction is basically, you got the pleasure part of your brain and people that are addicts.

1:16:03 Adam Do you agree with Drew and that these people are all addicts?

1:16:06 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:16:06 Adam Civilians, housewives, folks that never had any momentum with a substance in a advanced age in life, long after you would have had your bouts with the booze or the pot or whatever. Sometimes into the 40s, boom! They're strung out.

1:16:24 Dr. Bruce Right. But addiction is a genetic thing. It's like a better way to think of it's like a brain disease. And there are certain chemicals. It takes a lot longer to get addicted to alcohol than it would to Vicodin or cocaine. Because those very politely stimulate this pleasure area of your brain. And people that are addicts, once that trigger is pulled, once they have that pleasure sensation, they very quickly associated with the chemical. And they want to reinforce that.

1:16:47 Adam And this person who's in their 40s never found this with alcohol or marijuana or anything else along the way.

1:16:55 Dr. Bruce Somebody with addictive genetics, if they have enough alcohol exposure over time, and they will become an alcoholic and addicted. But because of social reasons or because of just the way their environment is.

1:17:07 Adam So all these people that get strung out on Vicodin have the alcoholic gene.

1:17:12 Dr. Bruce Alcoholic, it's just an addictive gene. It's not one gene.

1:17:15 Adam It's the genetics for addiction. They have the genetics for addiction or they wouldn't get strung out on Vicodin.

1:17:21 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:17:22 Adam So this is lying dormant then in a lot of people. Right.

1:17:26 Dr. Bruce It's like you take somebody with addictive genetics, typically you give them Valium and they get the euphoria and they may even get a little buzzed on it. They get buzzed on it.

1:17:35 Adam Yeah, nice. No, that's me. I like downers. You know what I mean? I like to reel it in.

1:17:40 Dr. Bruce Yeah. And so there are different combinations of personality issues.

1:17:42 Adam What do you got in the car? You got something?

1:17:45 Dr. Bruce What do you got? Melatonin, great for sleep, non-addictive.

1:17:49 Adam How many of those should I take?

1:17:53 Dr. Bruce You take three milligrams.

1:17:54 Adam Give me something that works, would you?

1:17:56 Dr. Bruce All right. We'll set you up.

1:17:57 Adam Go out to the camera, see what you can cook up for me. Fire up that Bunsen burner, would you? I got to go to bed early tonight. Take a quick break. Dr. Bruce in studio tonight doing a Yeoman's like job.

1:18:09 Dr. Bruce Let's look it up again, Yeoman.

1:18:10 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:18:32 Caller Yeah!

1:18:33 Adam Woo! Get it on! That's what I'm talking about. You know, I gotta get it on. I had a choice but to get it on. Let's go check out the weather and traffic. Coming up at 4 or 5, look out for brake lights, you got traffic and lanes on the 101. Slow and go on the Harbor Exchange to the 110. The weather coming up at 83, coming in in Pacoima, Sun Valley, 83 degrees. Zuma checking in, 83 degrees. Van Nuys, Sherman Oaks, 83 degrees. Eagle Rock, 83 degrees. More news, traffic and weather coming up top of the hour. I'm Ace Rockolla, with the partner over there, Dr. Bruce Salmon, everybody looking good. Yeah. Tell you what about, hey, we got a break for traffic and weather again, you all right? We got news, traffic and weather coming up top of the hour.

1:19:24 Dr. Bruce Yeah, everybody just turned the station off.

1:19:26 Adam Traffic, news, news. I was listening to a radio station today, and they were bragging that they had more traffic reports than any other station.

1:19:35 Dr. Bruce Yeah, you drive in from 85 miles away with a guy doing, you just crave that station.

1:19:39 Adam You be asked because they never give it, and by the way, do you ever get tired of arguing with me about my points? Do you ever do that? Do you ever see a point that I make that you agree with or you always have to go. You know those brake, you know those, you know when the trucks put it in reverse, neep, neep, neep, neep, neep, neep? How many times you ever got out of the way? Versus how many times you heard them?

1:20:33 Dr. Bruce That's irrelevant.

1:20:34 Adam How many times you heard that beep in your life? Neep, neep, garbage truck, neep, street sweeper, construction truck, neep, neep, now just full-size pickup truck now. Neep, neep. How many times you heard that beep in your life? Several hundred million times perhaps? How many times have you moved?

1:20:51 Dr. Bruce That's different.

1:20:52 Adam How many times? Zero.

1:20:53 Dr. Bruce That's an idiot sound.

1:20:54 Adam How many traffic reports you heard in your life?

1:20:56 Dr. Bruce Thousands.

1:20:58 Adam How many of you utilized?

1:21:00 Dr. Bruce Eight? No, lots.

1:21:01 Adam Four?

1:21:02 Dr. Bruce No. Hey listen, you drive as much as I do.

1:21:04 Adam But how many? Let me explain. Let me give you a ratio, JO. The amount of the traffic reports that you've heard into the thousands, if you add that time wasted up into the miniscule amount of time, you've actually utilized one in the time you've saved getting off the freeway onto another more crowded freeway, it would pale in comparison. Do you understand? You have hundreds of hours of listening to useless traffic reports and you've saved 20 minutes over the last 10 years getting off the freeway. Do you understand? It's a horrible ratio for you.

1:21:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah, listen, I can't come up with the ingenious analogies you do, but driving as far as I do compared to the great Adam Corolla who lives in his mansion on the top of the hill in Hollywood and drives about 10 minutes to get here, there's no comparison.

1:21:51 Adam No, I drive the same way every night. I hear the traffic report doesn't affect me.

1:21:56 Dr. Bruce Statistically, the chances of you utilizing a traffic report living that close.

1:22:01 Adam Half the traffic reports I hear, I'm at home. They're talking about the Kanaeho Pass. They're talking about places. I've lived in Southern California my whole life. I've never even heard of half the goddamn places they're talking about. Listen, it's a huge time waster.

1:22:16 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:22:16 Adam Why are you defending it?

1:22:18 Dr. Bruce Because this is not something you can speak to.

1:22:20 Adam Shut up. Just go argue with somebody else, would you?

1:22:23 Dr. Bruce I'm filling in for Dr. Drew and I'll show you some respect.

1:22:28 Adam Let's just camera and drive it to somebody's house.

1:22:30 Dr. Bruce Give me my own radio show and I'll tell you what I really think.

1:22:32 Adam To argue with me about it. You're never getting your own radio show. Here's the only way you're getting your own radio show. If some sort of bomb goes off that only kills radio show hosts.

1:22:45 Dr. Bruce Have you heard some of the doctors that have their own radio shows?

1:22:47 Adam Yes. They would die in the fire, the fiery mushroom cloud, and you would be the only one left.

1:22:53 Dr. Bruce Yeah, right. I heard some guy advising patients to do their own rectal exams last week.

1:22:57 Adam I'm just saying, I'm a fan of Dean Adell. My point is, if the terrorists come up with some sort of dirty bomb that kills everyone with talent, then perhaps you will be spared, and you'll be able to get your own radio show.

1:23:12 Dr. Bruce I'm not trying. There are over 200 doctors actively soliciting for their own radio shows.

1:23:16 Adam All right. Do you understand if the terrorists come up with a bomb?

1:23:19 Dr. Bruce A neutron bomb. The bomb, and I'm not in the city.

1:23:21 Adam If you understand if they came up with a bomb that specifically targeted talent, I would be amongst the first to go. Oh, you understand that?

1:23:27 Dr. Bruce Absolutely.

1:23:28 Adam Okay.

1:23:29 Dr. Bruce I'm a big fan.

1:23:29 Adam And you and my friend would be spared?

1:23:30 Dr. Bruce I'm a big fan.

1:23:31 Adam You would be spared?

1:23:33 Dr. Bruce Thank you.

1:23:34 Adam You would live to butcher the English language into a microphone another day? Joanna?

1:23:39 Dr. Bruce Ask Dr. Bruce. I've already got the name on my shirt.

1:23:41 Caller That's what it'd be.

1:23:43 Dr. Bruce Ask Dr. Spaz.

1:23:45 Adam You're on the air with Dr. Spaz. A 50-minute traffic report coming up the top of each half hour. Go ahead, Joanna.

1:23:54 Caller Hi. I have a question. My question is, if you were abused as a child till your teen years, will you end up abusing your own children?

1:24:03 Adam If you're a female who's abused, you will probably not abuse them directly. You will hook up with a guy who will abuse them, and you will do it by proxy.

1:24:14 Dr. Bruce Absolutely genius.

1:24:16 Adam Yeah. See? That's why I'm going to be killed in the blast.

1:24:18 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:24:20 Adam You and Chris do your own radio show. They're awesome.

1:24:23 Dr. Bruce That's an idea. Chris is a talent. That'd be cool.

1:24:25 Adam Yeah.

1:24:26 Caller You could be my board up.

1:24:28 Adam Yeah.

1:24:29 Dr. Bruce He's usurping my authority already. So Joanne, does this apply to you or come from a family?

1:24:37 Caller I was abused when I was a child until I guess last month or something.

1:24:43 Adam You were sexually abused?

1:24:45 Caller Yeah. I was sexually abused also.

1:24:47 Adam And physically abused?

1:24:49 Caller Yes.

1:24:50 Adam When did the sexual abuse stop?

1:24:52 Caller Oh, it only happened once because the second time my uncle tried it, I pushed him away and he didn't do it ever again.

1:25:01 Adam All right. Listen, I've been wrong a couple of times, but Jewish family, I know a Jew when I'm talking to one of them. Jewish, yes?

1:25:10 Caller No.

1:25:11 Adam No? What? I don't believe it.

1:25:13 Dr. Bruce It's not very scientific.

1:25:14 Adam I don't believe it. What's your nationality?

1:25:17 Dr. Bruce Filipino. Not a Filipino.

1:25:19 Adam Wow, interesting.

1:25:20 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:25:20 Adam Filipino is on the map tonight.

1:25:23 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:25:24 Adam Yeah.

1:25:24 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:25:25 Caller I have to be Asian.

1:25:26 Adam Yeah. Okay. Yes, it will screw you up because you will marry a screwed up guy who will abuse your kid. That's what you want to avoid, being attracted to an abusive guy just like uncle or dad or whoever abused you. You understand? It was my mom who- The fact that you're asking these questions is a good sign. Most people have been abused at your age. You're just sort of blindly moving forward through life procreating.

1:25:51 Dr. Bruce And if they ask, they ask after they've gotten into a relationship with a victimizer. Once you've been victimized like that, once your boundaries have been violated, it sets you up to choose someone that's going to do the whole thing, even though it's do the same thing, even though it sounds contradictory, that's what happens.

1:26:06 Adam So. All right, Joanna. You sound smart.

1:26:11 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:26:12 Adam And you're going to be okay, but you're going to have to get some therapy and you're going to have to take it slow with the relationships. Are you in one now?

1:26:20 Dr. Bruce No.

1:26:21 Adam Okay. You're fine. You're smart. I can hear it in your voice. You'll be okay. You're just going to have to get some counseling for what's happened to you and you're going to have to move slowly and not get pregnant until you've had some counseling and go ahead and go to college and have a career and do all that stuff and go get pregnant in 10 years when you're all whole again. Okay. Yeah? All right. You're fine. I read voices. That's all I do. I can tell you're fine.

1:26:52 Caller Thank you.

1:26:53 Adam But you got to work at it, all right?

1:26:54 Caller Okay.

1:26:55 Adam All right.

1:26:56 Dr. Bruce That's the thing.

1:26:57 Adam Good advice. Here's the thing. Being molested, being abused in any way, shape or form, physically, emotionally, sexually, it's just like having any other trauma, trauma that you have to deal with. You have to take care of it. That's all. If you're diabetic, you have to deal with it. If you're hyperglycemic, you have to deal with it. You have to take your insulin shots. Whatever you have to do, you have to just do it. You can't let it go unchecked. It's easy to let it go unchecked because it doesn't really manifest itself in terms of symptoms except for it manifests itself in the ultimate symptom which is you hook up with guys that are sexually abusing your kids and physically abusing you and your life ends up being worse than somebody who has diabetes.

1:27:41 Dr. Bruce So you see somebody that's either in denial, oh it didn't affect me, or else it happened to me but now I know so I don't. You need professional help. You can't treat yourself.

1:27:50 Adam No.

1:27:50 Dr. Bruce Got to go to somebody that's worked with people that have had abuse issues and that's going to save your world to hurt later on.

1:27:56 Adam All right. Let's take a little break, shall we?

1:27:58 Dr. Bruce Great.

1:27:59 Adam We'll be right back after this.

1:28:02 Caller Love Line. We'll be right back.

1:28:06 Dr. Bruce Please hold.

1:28:07 Adam Want to dress up your sex life? Visit durex.com.

1:28:10 Caller The one and only Live 105.

1:28:17 Adam Love Line. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Drew is yours. I know. I'm filling in for Dr. Drew tonight. Dr. Who? Dr. Who? Where's Dr. Drew?

1:28:28 Dr. Bruce Where's that? I like that clip.

1:28:30 Adam Anderson is not, Anderson's gone.

1:28:33 Dr. Bruce He's at camp.

1:28:34 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:28:35 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:28:36 Adam Anderson is helping out the kids with cancer at the Ronald McDonald camp.

1:28:42 Dr. Bruce Anderson's a great guy.

1:28:46 Adam It's unfair to great guys to call Anderson a great guy.

1:28:50 Dr. Bruce Oh, I knew you'd say something like that.

1:28:51 Adam No, Anderson is one of these guys where he has a good heart.

1:28:54 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:28:55 Adam But he's able half the time. So you're supposed to see through that because he's got a really good heart.

1:29:02 Dr. Bruce You're not good at that.

1:29:03 Adam I don't got time for that.

1:29:04 Dr. Bruce I didn't think so.

1:29:05 Adam You know, everyone, well, here's the thing. Everyone gets into that crap where it's like, you know what? I know, I know Sean is a little abrasive. I know he can be hard to get to know. But if you knew the Sean, I don't give a rat's ass about the Sean. You know, I met the guy twice. He was an a-hole. That's enough. Yeah, I know. I know. But you see, that's the thing. You got to get to the part. I'm not going to be lunking to find a decent guy inside this a-hole. Screw him. Here's the thing, everybody. And I'm not just talking about Anderson. Anderson is a wonderful individual. But, I don't got time to scratch beneath your crappy surface to get to the nougatty goodness inside of... F off! If you're a good person, great! If not, F yourself! I'm sure, in everyone's heart of hearts, they're great people. I don't have all day.

1:30:00 Dr. Bruce No. But it's not the 16-year-old girl with the 21-year-old guy that you got to get to know.

1:30:04 Adam I'm just saying, there's a lot of people where they make a lot of excuses slash apologies slash explanations for their jerk-off friends, you know. You got to get to know this guy. What the hell should I get to know him for? I hate him the first time I met him. Plus, there's plenty of good people that I don't get to spend enough time with. Everybody, please, let's do this. And you know what? People that are a-holes, they're not ostracized enough. They should be shunned by society. We need to do more shunning as a society. These people should be cast off, you know? Here's the deal. Play nice, play by the rules, or go f- yourself. Not everyone needs to get to the bottom of you.

1:30:47 Dr. Bruce But the a-holes surround themselves by people that have been victimized who then make excuses for themselves.

1:30:51 Adam You don't understand. When he gets drunk, he's a totally different guy. But if you knew him, man, if you knew in his heart, like if you knew what he was thinking, I know he's beating the crap out of you with a table leg, but if you knew what he was thinking while he's beating the f- out of you with the table leg, you'd really like him.

1:31:07 Dr. Bruce One question, what happened to Booneville where you're going to organize society into all the right strata of people and eliminate the a-holes?

1:31:14 Adam We got the land, we already started building.

1:31:16 Dr. Bruce We just haven't heard about that.

1:31:19 Adam Well, we don't.

1:31:19 Dr. Bruce Mecca or Utopia.

1:31:21 Adam You're not welcome, Bruce. Okay.

1:31:24 Dr. Bruce Sorry.

1:31:25 Adam All right. Let me just do this piece of business one more time. Yeah, I have. I'm using Dina Dell, like I said. One lucky person tonight is going to win a Durex Party Pack. I think it's going to be our next caller, by the way, whoever that is. Your party pack's going to include some CDs, poker set. You get some money. And they don't specify how much money, so you know it's a ton. What do you mean?

1:31:47 Dr. Bruce No.

1:31:48 Adam It's got to be into the millions if they don't specify. And you get some Durex condoms. Either way, it's better in a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. And each night, I'm going to decide who the best call of the night is, and they're going to win one of these party packs. You just got to be 18 years or older. And it's brought to you by Durex or Sex. And then there's Durex. Let's go ahead and pick a winner tonight. I'm going to base that on who's the oldest and who's been on hold the longest. And Trina is over 21, and she's been on hold for 28 minutes. Trina? Congratulations.

1:32:25 Dr. Bruce Thanks.

1:32:25 Adam You've won. Yeah. You're getting an endometriosis surgery?

1:32:29 Dr. Bruce Yeah, in like seven hours.

1:32:31 Adam Oh, in seven hours tomorrow morning. Wow.

1:32:33 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:32:34 Adam It's cool. They do it every day, baby. You'll be fine.

1:32:37 Caller Well, I'm just worried because I've never been put to sleep.

1:32:40 I'm afraid I'll wake up in the middle of it.

1:32:42 Adam No, no, no. Look, you're going to love being put to sleep. It is awesome. You just I've done it a million times. Sometimes at home, often times in a hospital setting. But they just they put that thing and you start having said you start counting backwards from 100 and it's just and it's gone and time is gone and everything melts away. And it's not like you're having bad dreams or bad trip or nausea or anything. You just wake up and your first question is, are we done? What happened?

1:33:12 Dr. Bruce Amazing.

1:33:13 Adam Amazing. It's awesome. It really makes you realize and hang on, Katrina, because we're getting to give this a direct party pack. It really makes you realize how subjective time is.

1:33:24 Dr. Bruce Amazing.

1:33:25 Adam Because if somebody with the right college education and the right chemicals can put you under for a week and it would feel like one second. Yeah.

1:33:35 Dr. Bruce I had the hernia surgery and you get the Versed, you wake up and it's just awesome.

1:33:39 Adam Right.

1:33:40 Dr. Bruce Awesome.

1:33:40 Adam Right. Right.

1:33:42 Dr. Bruce You can't remember anything.

1:33:43 Adam Yeah. It's awesome. Or you could go see a crappy movie and that two hours feels like a lifetime. Give me some of that Versed. We're going to take a quick break. Be right back after this. Yeah, well, that's it, everybody. I want to thank Dr. Bruce for doing a fantabulous job, as always. Go to the bullpen, comes in, pitches a couple of no-hit innings, and puts the windbreaker on, gets in the golf cart, right back to the bullpen.

1:34:53 Dr. Bruce So quick call me Dr. DeJure.

1:34:55 Adam Dr. Deshure, doing a great job. All right, Dr. Drew, theoretically in back tomorrow night. John, our dear, dear friend from System of a Down, Down, Down. And until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Bruce saying mahalo.

1:35:12 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station.

1:35:25 Adam The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold.

1:35:27 Dr. Bruce Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, July 25, 2005