Episode 1000723545600

1:00 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

1:17 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:21 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:24 Voiceover Yeah, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist who hates his coffee.

1:36 Drew Just took a swig of something bitter.

1:37 Adam Oh. What is that? It's not our Starbucks.

1:40 Drew You know, I just realized I had to pour about 18 tablespoons of that Whitener stuff. That should have been my first clue. Good stuff. Within moments of my setting foot at this luxury hotel in Beverly Hills, people were like, Oh, is that what Adam said? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Holy Christ. What Adam did today?

2:25 Adam Well, I had to do a press. It's not really a press conference, but it is. What they do is when they launch a new TV show, although we never did this at MTV, did we?

2:40 Drew No.

2:40 Adam No.

2:41 Drew We never did anything at MTV.

2:43 Adam MTV would not acknowledge our existence when we were on MTV. We couldn't get tickets to the movie awards and things like that, yet the show was successful. And I think that just made it worse because that aggravated the situation. But the-

2:57 Drew Made them angry about us being there, not just unwanted, but angry.

3:00 Adam It was as if we're rubbing it in their face because the show was successful and they never got behind it. But when you work on regular TV stations, when you launch a new show, you have to do this sort of press conference. And the network does their little spiel. They do it in a nice big fancy hotel. I guess all the critics from around the country fly in. They put them up at the hotel. They get a little-

3:22 Drew Three weeks.

3:23 Adam They get a little continental breakfast. Oh. And all the nerds come down from the room, starting about 9.30 in the morning. They sit in a big ballroom. And these things are lavish. I mean, they're big ballrooms. They're, you know, this is the Beverly Hilton Hotel. They have big presentations and everything. I mean, when I did my thing over at Comedy Central-

3:40 Drew Pasadena.

3:41 Adam They had, no, not that com- The one I did in New York for the Comedy Central show I'm doing coming up in a few weeks. They had like Destiny's Child playing in the Black Eyed Peas and Jessica Simpson and Ray Charles. Oh wait, he died. Willie Nelson. Oh, by the way, you want to know the definition of miserable? Willie Nelson up there trying to work off more IRS debt with Jessica Simpson doing a duet of These Boots Were Made for Walking. He just looked like he wanted to just, he looked like he wanted to just bust the neck off his guitar so it made just a sharp shard and then just fall on it.

4:17 It's an unbelievable story.

4:19 Adam He was miserable.

4:20 Drew That thing is so splintered already.

4:21 Adam He was so miserable.

4:23 It's an unbelievable story.

4:25 Adam Yeah, she's a horrible singer. But anyway, so we did this thing at the Beverly Hilton yesterday, I guess it was.

4:33 Drew Yeah, last night.

4:34 Adam And I did it during the morning yesterday. And it's the usual thing. You go up there and the press asks you a bunch of questions. But here's the thing about the press and here's what I figured out. They basically have their mind made up before the questions begin. It's one of those things. It's like a movie, a person. It's like anything. You know those movies that you haven't seen that you just know you don't want to see and the ones you haven't seen that you're dying to see. Sometimes not based on all that much. I mean once in a while it's a layup. I don't want to see Herbie the Love Bug. But then there's a thousand other movies that come out every year and I've just decided, I'll not be seeing that.

5:09 Drew By the way, it's not like they're seeing your show. They're just judging you. They've decided, I'm in this guy, I'm not in this guy.

5:15 Adam They hear the premise of the show and decide they're into it or they're not into me or however it goes. Here's my point. I'm done kissing ass. If you don't like the show, fine. Haul your raggedy fat ass out of here. Take your croissant and complimentary OJ. Go back up to your room and rub one out and then write something crappy about me, you old ass.

5:36 Drew Go ahead.

5:36 Adam Just go get it over with. Why the charade with the questions? My same feeling with cops, by the way, with tickets, which is either give me the ticket or give me the lecture. I don't want the whole song and dance about, you know why I pulled you over and the ticket at the end of the 15-minute sermon from the god damn mountain.

5:55 Drew The reason you pulled me over is on the ticket.

5:56 Adam Just give it to me. Let's go. I got to get out of here. I don't want the $185 and the 15-minute delay.

6:01 Drew Yeah. But there's a reason. The story here. Now tell the story.

6:05 Adam Well, the story is I go out there and I got the TLC executives to my right and my left, and I think one of the earlier questions, maybe the first one out of the gate, the guy's like, so you're doing a home improvement show, and you're using your money to work on the house, but yet you're getting paid to do the home improvement show, so doesn't that offset the price of the house? And I said, well, here's the thing. I would get paid to do a TV show, no matter what TV show I did, and you have a daytime job. If you did a home improvement on your house, a renovation, yes, you would still be getting paid for your daytime job at the newspaper.

6:46 Drew What a bizarre question.

6:47 Adam Well, at least it was in the realm of a question.

6:53 Drew How does it work?

6:53 Adam It was a little jab, a little prod, but okay. He's a reporter. He wants to know. So I explain it that way. If you did a home improvement that was going on, you'd be getting paid for your daytime job.

7:06 Drew It's like Win Benstein's money kind of thing.

7:08 Adam Right. Yes, I get paid, but yes, I can still lose or make more money. So then his next comment is, now I know you had a failed sitcom on ABC, and how does that, which was just this crappy transition where he was trying to weave in the fact that I had a failed sitcom into his next question, which was neither here nor there, except for I didn't have a failed sitcom.

7:32 Drew You've never been on a sitcom.

7:33 Adam I've never been on a sitcom. I wish I'd had a couple of failed sitcoms under my wing, but I don't have any failed sitcoms.

7:40 Drew Otherwise, you'd be a millionaire like the rest of us.

7:41 Adam Right. The fact that this guy wanted to weave in a failed sitcom that I didn't have, and that he just worded it that way. Not in your short-lived sitcom, not in your sitcom, the last season. No, failed. He said, your failed sitcom. So I didn't have one. Then he started a third question.

7:59 Drew You mean you stopped him and said, hey, I didn't have a-

8:01 Adam I said, I don't have a failed sitcom. Then he started a third question, which was, what makes you think one of these kind of, not really a question, more an accusation. He got about halfway into his third insult. I just said, hey, Dick, go up to your room and start writing your crappy review now. Get a jump on it. Why should we go through this dance? You pretending like you're going to be objective about what I have to say. Just go up and write your crappy stilted review that no one's going to read now. Go. Go do it now. First off, you think anyone reads any of your guys' crappy reviews? Who are you talking to? I'm minus a billion stars.

8:40 Drew Do you say that?

8:41 Adam Yes. I said, you want to know how many minus stars I have and how much money I have and how many successful shows I have that have all been minus horrible reviews never going to work? Go to Colorado the next day after it rains at night, a crisp winter night and look up into the sky. You see those stars?

8:58 Drew They're all negative.

8:59 Adam That's how many minus stars I have. Meanwhile, everything I've ever done has been popular and made me plenty of money. So let's not pretend that any of this makes a difference. Kiss my ass, you idiots. Go up to your room and start writing your crappy review. Get out of here. Please. Everyone pretending like anyone reads any of these idiot reviews. I might listen if The Man Show wasn't so horribly reviewed and didn't become such a successful show, and everything I've done has had horrible reviews.

9:32 Drew Nobody cares.

9:33 Adam Nobody reads that. Yeah, Loveline. Nobody likes Loveline. Everyone hates everything. Keep writing, you idiots. Nobody reads it, and even if they do, it doesn't make a difference.

9:43 Drew To the show, yeah.

9:44 Adam No. I was trying to explain that to the-

9:47 Drew I'm surprised you didn't bring up Tom Shale. Is that his name?

9:50 Adam I didn't want to get going. I just told the idiot, just start writing your crappy review. Let me tell you something about all these reviews, everybody. They ain't worth the paper they're written on.

10:00 Drew Well, then the head of communications-

10:01 Adam Half of them have a bunch- most of these reviews just have a bunch of things that are just flat wrong in them. I mean, just inaccurate.

10:08 Drew Right. Then the head of communications got in the act.

10:11 Adam Right.

10:11 Drew He's talking to me, goes, Oh, Adam, over the top. We're going to have to do something about this. Yeah. Five minutes later, I find him talking to Adam.

10:18 Adam Yeah.

10:19 Drew Thirty seconds later, he's joking with you.

10:20 Adam Well-

10:21 Drew How did that work?

10:22 Adam I'll tell you how it works. Here's the deal with TLC. They're not paying me enough money to care. That's the whole deal.

10:28 Drew So you don't care?

10:29 Adam No, I don't care. I got a show coming out on MTV, I mean, Comedy Central. I got a bunch of crap going on, and they're not paying me enough money. So if you're going to make me care, then it's not going to be worth it. That's the whole thing.

10:44 What did the critic do?

10:46 Adam I don't know if he got up and left or he just sat there.

10:49 Were you saying like right at him?

10:52 Drew I heard from other critics that the guy didn't ask another question the rest of the day.

10:57 Adam It was a big ballroom and he was sitting 60 feet from me. Wasn't like we're in a room the size of the studio or something. It's a big open ballroom. So I don't know what happened to him and I didn't run into him again. But other critics seem to be glad to tell somebody off. And look, I'm willing to answer any questions. He didn't really have questions. He had sort of allegations.

11:23 Drew But then I heard somehow it still spiraled a little bit when you mentioned Ray having a vagina.

11:30 Adam I'm trying to mix it up a little. That's all. I want to get that party started.

11:33 Drew At TLC.

11:34 Adam Well, here's the thing. I just did one for Comedy Central too on Thursday. You go out on stage, there's a room full of people, yet they in an audience. And it's weird when you're just talking and joking and talking and joking and people are just quietly writing stuff down. They're not responding. Now, you know, intellectually you understand, well, it's not a performance. It's not Night at the Apollo. But yet you go out on a room, a spotlight hits you, and there's 300 people in it, and they ain't doing anything. So there's a party that wants to just go, all right, let's get it going. Let's fire it up a little bit. So you kind of crank it up. Sure. Get a little rise out of it.

12:11 Drew All right. Well, good times.

12:12 What about Ray's vagina?

12:13 Adam Uh-oh.

12:14 Drew No, no.

12:14 Adam Anderson, long story.

12:16 No, this is good stuff.

12:17 I like this.

12:18 Adam Well, Ray, my buddy Ray, who is also on this TV show.

12:23 Drew Let's take a beat before you go on. Anderson, wow.

12:26 Adam Anderson.

12:27 I like it when people get told off. But you're interested in Adam.

12:29 Drew This is the part of Adam that I love. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

12:31 Adam Whoa, whoa.

12:32 Drew Let's take a beat here.

12:33 Whoa.

12:34 Drew Something you love about Adam.

12:35 Whoa. This is the part of Adam that I actually, I totally love, yeah.

12:39 Adam He hates critics.

12:40 Drew Anderson is totally high. Well, he's got to be.

12:42 Adam Well, yeah, but he's high every night.

12:44 Before I even started on the show, I'm like, you know, I like this guy.

12:46 He doesn't like Hollywood.

12:47 He's not afraid of what to say.

12:48 It's going to be a fun show. And then he turned on me and it's been miserable ever since.

12:53 Adam Turned on you. Anderson. Anderson is like the goth kids when the jocks beat him up. I was a jock goth. Stand in front of lockers with the eyeliner until one of the jocks noticed him and then comes over and punches him.

13:08 So Ray's vagina.

13:09 Adam Ray's vagina. Now, all I was saying was is my buddy Ray was out on stage with me because he's on this new TLC show as well and some critic wanted to know where the female presence of the show was. And I pointed out that Ray has a vagina. And then there's a little gasp and then Ray yelled, you want to see? I'm not sure what he would have done if the guy yelled yes.

13:32 Drew Well, who knows? Ray, it's Ray. Well, be fair.

13:34 Adam He would have at least done his turtle move.

13:37 Drew Or the fruit bowl. Anyway, and then Ozzy, you've got a Hispanic guy who doesn't speak English who had his first sort of night in the sun.

13:46 Adam Well, this is a good story.

13:49 Drew He could spiral, man. He could lose it.

13:51 Adam Ozzy, my Nicaraguan friend who I've been swinging hammer with for about 15 years. What happened was is they gave me, TLC gave me two nights in a suite at the Peninsula Hotel.

14:07 Drew In Beverly Hills.

14:08 Adam In Beverly Hills.

14:09 Drew Which you don't need. You live six miles away.

14:11 Adam The Peninsula is so nice, I've never been in it.

14:13 Drew Yeah.

14:13 Adam All I hear is, oh, five stars. Oh, look out, a suite at the Peninsula with spa treatments and stuff, too.

14:22 Drew Now, TLC gave you this?

14:24 Adam Yeah.

14:24 Drew I'm pissed.

14:25 Adam Yeah, yeah.

14:26 Drew I got nothing from Discovery Health.

14:27 Adam I'm a big, big, big C-lister.

14:29 Drew Oh, I'm really angry now.

14:30 Adam Yeah. The TLC basically gave me two nights next door to the Beverly Hilton Hotel at the spa hotel.

14:40 Drew It's like a thousand dollar little bonus easily.

14:43 Adam It's a suite. Listen, I just wasn't a suite at the Hard Rock that wasn't that sweet. Yeah. It was 600 bucks a night. The Peninsula has got to be seven, eight for the suite, whatever.

14:54 Drew Where does Discovery Health range? Does TLC got more juice?

14:56 Adam Look, they like me better than you. I don't know. Here's my point.

15:00 Drew I got to show on the air.

15:01 Adam Listen, for now.

15:03 Drew Yeah, let's be fair.

15:04 Adam Okay. Here's the thing. I drove by your billboard tonight, by the way.

15:07 Drew Oh, yeah.

15:08 Adam Willy Wonka is up there.

15:09 Drew It's good.

15:10 Adam Yeah. I can still see party or loafer sticking through the lower left-hand corner though. If it's any consolation, I think a crow pulled up.

15:15 Drew By the way, it stayed up there about 10 days longer than I thought it was going to.

15:17 Adam Yeah. No, not bad. You took the picture. I had someone take a picture, right? All right. Here's the thing. My buddy, Oswaldo, lives in an apartment in a bad part of Hollywood with his four kids and his wife on a sofa that was a sheet on it.

15:31 Drew Right. In the last conversation I had with Oswaldo, she had something wrong with her matrice.

15:35 Adam Yeah. The point is, I know Ozzy is poor because I've been the only one employing him for the last five years plus, and I don't pay him that much. So he don't have a whole lot. The guy is from Nicaragua and everything. I said, well, I'm not going to use this Peninsula spa treatment. I'm not going to use the suite because all I want to do is go home. Right. All week I'm out of the house. I just want to go flop out on my sofa and watch Tivo. As nice as the Peninsula sounds.

16:02 Drew It's not home.

16:02 Adam It's not home and I haven't been home yet. So I tell Ozzy, you go to the Peninsula, you use my suite. So basically, it's like that scene from Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts is just sitting in the tub and staring at the flatscreen TV and can't believe it, except for it's a fat Nicaraguan guy.

16:22 Drew And his wife.

16:23 Adam And his wife, yeah. But Ozzy's like.

16:26 Drew He was lit up by this.

16:27 Adam Ozzy's like five foot tall, he's got a gut that sticks out. Really sticks, he's wider than he is high. He has like a Nicaraguan cherry curl.

16:35 Drew Yes, he does.

16:36 Adam And he's like, not only dark skin, but Indian dark, like baked out in the sun. And he's going out of his mind because it's like champagne in a bed with a down comforter and a jacuzzi tub.

16:47 Drew He found his way to that checkout thing on the screen and in there, the sort of review your account and he saw the prices. He said he literally almost had a heart attack. He had got chest pain, he got short of breath.

16:59 Adam He almost blotched.

17:00 Drew He had to leave, he almost blotched.

17:01 Adam Yeah. So I saw him, Drew and I saw him at the ATLCC party last night and he was out of his mind.

17:06 Drew Out of his mind. And his poor wife was like dazzled by the whole thing.

17:09 Adam And let me just say this.

17:09 Drew Wondering what happened to her husband. Yeah.

17:11 Adam It's easy to get jaded and hardened to this stuff. Just go get some guy, throw him in there and see how excited he is.

17:18 Drew But it's more than excited. On one hand he seems a little too amped by it. Yeah, he's fired up. Yeah. On the other hand he's sort of like, hey, what's this? You know, it's a little bit like so much money, so ridiculous, but then kind of really super turned on by it.

17:31 Adam Yeah. All right. And get used to it. And by the way, he's back at his crappy apartment in Hollywood tonight, of course.

17:38 Drew He's got kids.

17:39 Adam He's got people. Alicia?

17:42 Yes?

17:42 Adam You're 17?

17:44 Caller Yeah.

17:45 Adam What's up?

17:46 Caller What's up? They're cold.

17:47 Drew We want to know.

17:48 Adam Here we go.

17:48 Drew Here we are.

17:49 Caller I love you guys so much.

17:51 Drew I'm sorry.

17:51 Caller I've been sitting on this line waiting for a while.

17:55 Drew Uh-oh.

17:56 Adam She's been what?

17:57 Drew Sitting on this line waiting for a while.

17:59 Adam All right. Let's go, honey.

17:59 Caller I've been seeing you guys for like 20 minutes making snobby comments.

18:03 Drew Oh. That's it.

18:05 Caller Oh.

18:06 Adam I know.

18:06 Caller Okay. About two months ago. Yeah.

18:09 Adam She's got to be good-looking. Well, not good-looking, just not fat and from Missouri, which adds up to good-looking.

18:17 Drew Aren't you? Doesn't she pull out a little abusive twin from you?

18:20 Adam Yeah.

18:21 Drew So she had an abuse survivor add to that.

18:23 Adam Alicia?

18:25 Caller Yeah.

18:25 Adam If she tells me it's pronounced Alicia, that's when I go to school.

18:29 Drew Alicia.

18:30 Adam Did she do it? Yeah.

18:32 Caller Is she white?

18:33 Adam She even corrected me on my thanking her for not correcting me on that.

18:38 Drew Yes. It's good. Couldn't miss an opportunity.

18:40 Adam I'll tell you one thing about people who make me angry, they never miss an opportunity. Even if I'm complimenting them, they'll say something.

18:48 Caller Yes.

18:49 Adam Yeah.

18:49 Drew It's a funny how people are that way, right?

18:52 Adam Well, it's like when people misunderstand us. Yeah. We're not smart enough to come up on the fly with their type of misunderstanding.

19:00 Drew Right. Yes. It's genius. Somebody reported back to me something that happened last week. We were talking to a woman. She goes, I work in a factory. Adam goes, what do you make? She goes, 11 bucks an hour.

19:10 Adam Right.

19:10 Drew What do you make? What do you make in there?

19:12 Adam I said, what do you do? She said, I work in a factory. I said, what do you make? Eleven dollars an hour. Now, I would say she was effing with me, but she's dumb. If she was smart, I'd say, wow, this person thinks that this Drew Carey and company don't think this fast on their feet.

19:31 Drew No way.

19:32 Adam All right. Go ahead, Alicia. What's your question?

19:36 Caller Okay. I broke up with my boyfriend that, I mean, we started dating. We got really hot and heavy really quick. We already said, I love you.

19:47 Drew How old is he, Alicia? How old is he?

19:50 Caller He's a year older.

19:52 Drew Okay. Keep going.

19:52 Adam That's another good thing.

19:55 Drew Hold on. Yeah. He's not going to tell me the age.

19:57 Adam How old is he? He's a year older. See what I mean? Everything is just a marginal. Everything is you're not going to get what you want.

20:05 Drew But by the way, let me tell you how you don't disappoint. I could see it evoking more anger.

20:10 Adam I get angry every time.

20:11 Drew You want to abuse her. So there you go.

20:12 Adam You ask what age. Can't say 18. No.

20:15 Drew Go ahead, Alicia. Hot and heavy.

20:17 Caller We did not get drunk because I can't do that because I'm not 21 yet. You understand?

20:22 Drew Yeah. The one that you didn't.

20:24 Caller And he's been kissing on all my friends. And I told him I didn't care because we were all not drunk and it didn't really matter. But he walked in on me, made me out of his best friend. And for some reason, he decided he didn't ever want to talk to me again. But now, he's still really good friends with his best friend. But I guess I'm out of the picture. And I don't understand, you know, next week is it going to be okay to call him?

20:49 Adam All right, Alicia.

20:50 Drew I would bet you were going to be out of the picture anyway, Alicia. That's sort of where I think that was going. A. B, I don't understand what kind of relationship it is where he hooks up with other people and-

21:01 Caller He didn't hook up with anybody. He kissed one of my friends because I told him to. And he said, then he apologized. I was like, it's okay. We're not drunk. And it's all okay.

21:09 Drew How does not being drunk make it okay? That's the most bizarre thing you've said.

21:14 Caller Well, because obviously we were drunk, but we were drunk because we're not 21. So I'm going to say not 21.

21:21 Drew This is her code for they were drunk. She's trying to be funny.

21:24 Adam Hey, baby, listen, work it out. You'll land on your feet.

21:27 Drew No, Alicia, this is...

21:29 Adam I got no time for her.

21:30 Drew Here's what this is. This is chaos. Maybe alcoholism beginning to go. You'll see, Alicia, just be careful.

21:37 Adam I'd like to tag her.

21:38 Drew Yeah, you're going down a path that looks bad. It does. We're looking ahead down that road and it's ain't a yellow brick road.

21:44 Adam No.

21:45 Drew No, no.

21:45 Adam No, it's brown.

21:46 Drew No, it's a brown road, yeah.

21:48 Adam Hey, I was speaking of yellow. I was listening to your favorite doctor, Dr. Dean Adell.

21:54 Drew I like Dean.

21:54 Adam Today. Oh, you do?

21:55 Drew Oh, no, I like him.

21:56 Adam I thought you hated all doctors. No, no, no.

21:58 Drew What I said about Dean is he's an ophthalmologist.

22:00 Adam He doesn't like foreskins and things like that.

22:01 Drew He's an ophthalmologist.

22:02 Adam All right, so here's the thing. Here's the thing, Drew. He was talking about female orgasmic incontinence and suggesting that there was no such thing as female ejaculate, just incontinence, that it was all urine. No such thing as fluid coming from a woman during orgasm that wasn't urine.

22:25 Drew I could, I'd love to see the data that suggests that. I can believe it.

22:29 Adam You can.

22:29 Drew I could believe it. You could. Because, but I don't believe it's true. I believe there is other things.

22:34 Adam What about all the hundreds of women we've spoken to that says, look, whatever was on the sheet was not urine. I know what urine is.

22:39 Drew Not only that, I've talked to a lot of women that have this experience.

22:42 Adam Oh.

22:43 Drew No, I've talked to a lot of them. Yeah. I've spoken to a lot of them. Yeah. They're very clear that it's something different going on there. Yeah. I've also talked to those that have orgasmic incontinence, and they're clear what's going on too.

22:56 Adam Let me recreate that conversation that Drew had with many of these women.

23:01 Drew Maybe David Allen Grier can recreate it.

23:02 Adam 1979 to 1985. No. That's not urine. Good thing I'm wearing my glasses. Yeah. That's what Drew's talking about. Hannah?

23:27 Hi.

23:28 Adam You're 20?

23:29 Caller I am.

23:30 Adam Oh, so lucid compared to our last caller.

23:34 Drew To Alicia.

23:35 Adam What is that, Hannah?

23:37 Caller A couple of days ago, my little sister and I, she's 17. We walked in on my father having sex with a woman in the loft above our garage across the driveway.

23:47 Drew Yeesh.

23:48 Caller And I haven't told my mother. My sister and I, we haven't had the heart to tell my mother. My dad's an alcoholic and has been an alcoholic since as far back as I can remember.

23:59 Drew Could you confront your dad and say, hey, we know what's going on here.

24:03 Caller Yeah. We confronted him the night of after she left and the morning after.

24:09 Adam Well, now what happened? You walked in. Did they see you walk in?

24:12 Caller No. The thing is, I came home from work and there was this lady. He had met her from the gym or something and they were talking about antiques. I don't know.

24:19 Drew About what?

24:20 Adam Antiques.

24:22 Caller They have a common bond, I guess. And my mom had gone to bed and I had gone to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed the light on top of the loft was on.

24:33 Drew Your mom has got to know this was going on.

24:35 Adam And her car was still parked outside?

24:37 Caller Well, the thing is, my parents, not only is my dad an alcoholic, but he hasn't been the best husband and their relationship has been on the rock.

24:45 Drew Well, that's what I'm saying. Your mom has just checked out. She knows this is going on.

24:50 Caller They've been in process of getting a divorce for a while, but they're not from this country, though. And so, in order for she got a divorce from my father, she would have to go back to Japan and my little sister was going to school and she didn't want to.

25:05 Drew Hold on. She has to go back to Japan?

25:08 Caller He wouldn't be able to make it here in the country by herself.

25:11 Adam Oh, I thought you said he wasn't from this country.

25:13 Caller No, no, she.

25:14 Adam She isn't from this country.

25:16 Caller Yeah.

25:17 Drew She's Japanese.

25:17 Adam And by the way, he and she, too close.

25:20 Drew Too close. Push and pull.

25:22 Adam I'll write that down. Push and pull. Because I mean, really, you know what I mean?

25:26 Drew Yeah. How about another language? La and le.

25:29 Adam Oh, what is that? Mexican? La and le. That's French?

25:34 Drew Yeah.

25:35 Adam I'm going to write that down. Yeah.

25:37 Drew Ellen Eel.

25:38 Adam Yeah.

25:39 Drew He and she.

25:39 Adam Yeah. All right. So here's the whole thing, Hannah. You believe me, your mom knows this. And if you sat down to inform your mom of this, she could probably inform you of 70 other incidents that you weren't aware of. So they're in the midst of getting a divorce. You confronted him. Stay out of it. You're 20. And what do you, time to move out?

26:01 Caller Yeah. I go to school, so I'm not here half the time.

26:04 Drew Good. Hope your sister can do the same. I'm sorry. Maybe a little Alan on for you to deal with the alcoholic dad.

26:10 Caller Okay.

26:10 Drew That's about all you can do. Hopefully mom understands the depths of what she's dealing with with dad. Maybe you and your mom can go to some Alan on or get your mom a therapist. So she has someone that she can go to to build the internal strength and develop the resources to be able to handle living without him, because that's something she's created. She's created this dependency upon him, and she can move out of it if she wishes.

26:30 Adam Listen, all kids who are looking to enter the fray, and I'm trying to think of when it's a good idea. It's rarely a good idea. It's as good an idea as when there's some scuffle, the bar and guys are pushing each other.

26:44 Drew You're jumping in the middle of it.

26:45 Adam You're jumping in the middle of it. Start throwing the dude maintain thing around, and then you get whacked with a beer bottle, and the cop jumps on you. Here's the thing, I know it's your own family. Believe me, your mom knows what's going on. Don't get in the middle of this thing. You're going to college.

26:59 Drew If you want to do anything you really are intent upon doing things, do not do it on your own. Rally resources of other adults.

27:05 Adam All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to speak to Colleen. Do birth control pills affect ability to orgasm? Good times. After this.

27:17 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

27:20 Loveline will be right back.

27:23 Loveline is brought to you by the American Legacy Foundation.

27:25 Caller It's free, it's informative, it's powerful, it's truth.

27:58 Adam Yo, it's Loveline.

27:59 Caller I'm Adam.

28:00 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Do you speak to that woman at the party last night that survived?

28:10 Drew Yes. No, no, she would, no, no, no, no. The 18-year-old?

28:15 Adam No. No, the woman from Texas. TLC or Discovery or somebody. Wherever the party mean Drew was at last night, it's doing some Survivor show. This chick was lost at sea for five days in a dinghy. She said that, first off, she was nuts. She's manic. She's one of these people. You know the people you meet when you, actually it's only women do this, and they're always little, and they're always like spider monkeys. We talked to them, they're like, hey, you got it. They grab your arm and they almost pinch, they pinch and they go, you got to get a picture. They do it when they call like their husband already. Harold, come here. They're like pinching in your arm.

29:00 Drew Buddy Ray does that. By the way.

29:03 Adam All right. Well, he's drunk, but here's the thing. There's never a fat woman, no fat woman has ever grabbed. It's always sort of grisly.

29:12 Drew A little towards speed, a little towards amphetamine.

29:16 Adam A little amphetamine, and to call them trim is sort of nice. They're more stringy. Yeah, they're like the built like teenage boys. And they're, you know, you can tell, you know, the people that the veins in their neck are always coming out just constantly. It looks like they're doing a squat.

29:34 Drew When you see the striations in their neck muscles.

29:37 Adam Because they're constantly, see when you have a double chin, you don't grab people by the arm because you're not like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

29:44 Caller So it's like, hey, hey, hey.

29:45 Drew Yeah, I know how you're into those kinds of people too.

29:47 Adam It's like, oh. But then they tell you they were lost at sea and you're like, what are you gonna do? Hey, bitch, you know? So she said she was on a yacht, like a sailing yacht, and a big storm hit and everyone went into the ocean. There's five of them and they're all in a dinghy.

30:04 Drew Oh, the five were in a dinghy, wow.

30:05 Adam Five of them were in a dinghy. And one of them, the first guy started drinking salt water. Drew, why does salt water make you go nuts?

30:16 Drew It's a heavy, heavy salt low when you're already water depleted.

30:19 Adam Yeah.

30:20 Drew And so your sodium starts going way up.

30:22 Adam And you start getting delusional and stuff?

30:23 Drew You know, your brain swells, yeah, yeah.

30:25 Adam Oh, really?

30:25 Drew You're wacky.

30:26 Adam What kind of plan?

30:27 Drew You should drink your urine.

30:28 Adam You should drink your urine? Yeah. I would like to drink your urine, so. Yeah, we can trade off.

30:32 Drew And then you drink mine. Yeah, yeah.

30:33 Adam It's gay, but in a way it's better.

30:35 Drew I know there's some women on the boat.

30:36 Adam Oh, drink their urine.

30:37 Drew Yeah. Oh, think of the opportunity.

30:39 Adam Honey, you missed. Honey, my eye, it's burning. I'm sorry, the water is choppy. Hold still.

30:46 Drew Oh, my. So anyway.

30:47 Adam Oh, so they drank the. And by the way, what kind of plan did God have to make 70% of the planet ocean and then not let anyone be able to drink from this body of water?

31:00 Drew Interesting.

31:00 Adam And, you know, the homos, you know, the homo tree hugger guys are always like, you know, your body is the exact same salt kind. Your body is the same percentage of water. And the ocean. Yeah, but if you drink that, you die.

31:15 Drew Yes.

31:16 Adam They don't ever tell you that part. Everything's so great.

31:19 Drew By the way, you throw up too and you lose more fluids that way.

31:22 Adam So Drew, drink your urine. Don't drink. Don't drink. And even, even, even on land or?

31:27 Drew All the time.

31:28 Adam I see.

31:28 Drew All the time.

31:29 Adam Okay.

31:30 Drew Remember the nut jobs that were telling us that that was such a healthy thing to do, that the Egyptians did.

31:35 Adam Yeah.

31:35 Drew Anyway, you do get into trouble that way. Because basically, effectively, you're in kidney failure then.

31:39 Adam Right.

31:40 Drew But it's a slower thing. And it's actually less damaging to you.

31:43 Adam So what happened was, is they're on this lifeboat. I got this out of the gal's husband because the gal couldn't focus long enough to tell me. She, guy start drinking the saltwater.

31:56 Drew He goes nuts.

31:57 Adam And starts going nuts. And he says, I'm going to my car to get some cigarettes or something. And steps out, you know, goes in the water. Goes in the water, starts swimming, and just gets devoured by sharks.

32:10 Drew Ooh, right in front of them? Well, I mean, just seconds later?

32:14 Adam Seconds later, yeah, didn't get very far. She just said there were sharks all over the place. Like, I never can figure out the whole shark thing. Like, okay, they eating us, are they not eating us? Are they more scared of us than we are of them? And they don't pose any threat? Or you're just in some random stretch of ocean, the guy goes in and gets devoured by sharks. So, the next guy drinks some saltwater, he goes nutty, he starts accusing people of things, and he goes over the thing, and he goes under the boat, and gets devoured by sharks. And the husband basically describes this guy getting devoured by sharks for like two hours. But, you know, just frenzy, just pulling this body around, and you know, fighting over him, it's all just sort of under and around the boat. Yeah, there's the bummer.

33:00 Drew And the two of them, the husband and the wife, I'll tell you, I gotta tell you this, I don't go out on a limb.

33:03 Adam I don't know what it's like to be out. I would have had trouble masturbating that night. Trouble.

33:07 Drew You would have done it.

33:08 Adam I would have done it, but I would have had difficulty.

33:10 Drew But again, that's fluid there. What are you gonna do?

33:12 Adam Yeah, I gotta eat it.

33:12 Drew Yeah. Or somebody, offer it up.

33:14 Adam Hey, you want a little floater on that urine tumbler you got?

33:18 Drew Yeah. A little boiler maker?

33:19 Adam It's called a deaf charge. You know, when in Rome, you know, we're at sea, just trying to go over the Maritimes.

33:28 Drew Okay, what are you gonna do?

33:29 Adam Twist on it. The next chick, her leg gashed when, you know, the whole rigging came down and everything. She basically gets gangrene or infection or blood poisoning or something. She just dies.

33:43 Drew Really? Right there in front of her? Well, not that many people.

33:46 Adam Is the husband a wife? No, husband ain't around.

33:48 Drew Just the wife?

33:49 Adam Just the wife and her and her friend, the only one she knew, the other three people, there's just sort of along for the ride kind of thing, get picked up by some Russian trawler like five days later. Wow. Yeah.

34:05 Drew Bad times.

34:06 Adam Bad times.

34:07 Drew I wonder why she's a little wacky.

34:09 Adam Yeah.

34:09 Drew How long did that happen?

34:11 Adam It's been 20 years. Oh, wow. She probably had a motor before then. Are you ready to rock?

34:16 Drew No, I'm overwhelmed.

34:17 Adam Colleen?

34:17 Drew Got to take a break.

34:18 Hi.

34:19 Adam 23?

34:20 Yes.

34:21 Adam What's up?

34:23 Yeah, I was wondering, I have had an orgasm in three years, and I have had them before. And it was right before I started taking birth control when I had my first orgasm. And I was wondering that since I haven't had one since I've been on birth control, and I've had quite a few partners.

34:41 Drew Oh, quite a few.

34:43 Well, and some good ones, some good ones and some not so good ones. But I haven't had an orgasm since I was 20.

34:51 Drew All right. Listen, hold on, hold on. Yes, the answer to your question is yes, that can affect orgasmic function and libido, sex drive.

34:59 Really?

35:00 Drew There are other medications much more likely to do that. Are you on any other medication?

35:05 I mean, other than like Allegra, Allegra when I have allergies.

35:09 Drew Okay. Well, I was going to mention antihistamines. Even they can do it though not typically, and I'm sure you're not on the Allegra all the time, but you might at least try stopping that. It works against you a little bit. I'm really thinking about the serotonin re-uptake inhibiting, the antidepressant medicines, things like that are much more likely to do. The birth control pill, which one are you on? Are you on a pill at all?

35:29 Yeah, I'm on level 28 and I'm on the same one all three years.

35:33 Drew Yeah, you gotta talk to your doctor about making a change. It's very difficult to predict what kind of pill is going to affect your sexual functioning. Some women it's the progesterone component that shuts them down. Other women it's actually the estrogen. So you have to experiment around sometimes.

35:47 Adam Yeah, I was on level 42 for a while.

35:51 Drew Level 42 of?

35:53 Adam Remember that band? There was a band from the 80s.

35:56 Drew Can't remember them, didn't know them. Maybe I did but I can't remember.

35:59 Adam I could come up with a song during the break.

36:01 Drew One of their songs?

36:02 Adam I think I could. And you would know it.

36:04 Drew Okay.

36:05 Adam All right. Dwayne?

36:07 Caller Hey, how's it going, guy?

36:08 Adam 29.

36:09 Caller Yeah.

36:10 Adam What's up?

36:11 Caller Question, I guess for both of you. Wondering what is the best way to prevent getting any sort of a disease with oral sex?

36:19 Adam Well, hold on, Drew, I'd like to take this. Do not have oral sex, okay? Okay. That's the best and most effective way. The only way you can guarantee, I want to strangle every blowhard with it. I'll tell you what, the safest, don't have oral sex. Okay? Thank you. Thank you for calling. Fantastic. Here's another thing about when people give those blowhardy answers. I don't mind the blowhard that does it, he's just an idiot. I blame the person sitting across from us, like, yeah, no, ask, Sherlock. How about you give an answer?

36:52 Drew Here's what bothers me is I get that question in the form of, well, how come you aren't advocating abstinence? What do you think about abstinence? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm all for it.

37:00 Adam Fine.

37:01 Drew Yeah, it's excellent.

37:02 Adam Yeah, who's going to do it? Yeah.

37:03 Drew Not only that, that wasn't the question.

37:05 Adam Yeah. They don't want an answer. Right. I'm for not cheating on your taxes and not speeding.

37:11 Drew And not dying in a car accident.

37:13 Adam I'm for all that stuff. It doesn't mean it's not going to happen every day. All right, so what about it?

37:18 Drew Or that I'm going to be helping people by telling them they shouldn't drive.

37:21 Adam Well, is a guy, should you be more worried about getting it from a woman, from giving oral to a woman and getting something or receiving oral from a woman and getting something?

37:34 Drew I, other than herpes, I'd be more worried about giving.

37:38 Adam Giving. Right. So what else can you get?

37:42 Drew Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, all from giving.

37:45 Adam Really? Well, reason number 126, seven and eight.

37:50 Drew 26, 27, 28. To use a latex barrier of some type if you possibly can.

37:54 Adam I need a note, Drew. All right. So, yeah, but no one's going to do that.

37:57 Drew Troj is making mint-flavored condoms.

37:59 Adam Come on. You know what? I don't want stuff tasting like stuff you chew. You know what I mean? What's gum tastes like?

38:06 Drew Mint.

38:07 Adam All right. So you get some drunk hooker. Next thing you know, she's out of her mind. She's coked out of her mind. She thinks your penis is a piece of Wrigley's.

38:15 Drew Oh, your phrase are true. But you can at least take the latex bearer that's mint flavored and lay it down and do your thing.

38:20 Adam I'm not going to pay a hooker to go down on her, Drew.

38:23 Drew I'm just saying.

38:23 Adam How dare you?

38:24 Drew For Dwayne's worried about getting us to be.

38:26 Adam Dwayne, are you worried about performing on a woman or being performed upon?

38:30 Caller Actually performing on a woman. See?

38:33 Adam I've done picked up on that. Who you with? What do you got going?

38:35 Caller A gal I met. And we've gone through the questions and stuff, but we kind of want to be safe right now as far as just-

38:42 Drew Bogus, Dwayne. Why do I get bogus out of that? It's no way. Dwayne, for some reason, it just sounds like-

38:48 Adam What 29-year-old guy wants to know if he can go down on some chick he's had a few dates with?

38:52 Drew I don't know. We're both reacting that way to you.

38:55 Adam No, I'm not. I don't get it. You've gone out on a few dates with her?

39:02 Caller Well, things are getting more physical and I'd rather err on the side of cost.

39:06 Adam Yeah, hold on. Dwayne is just-

39:08 Drew Robot?

39:09 Adam No, it's not that. He's a conscientious guy.

39:12 Drew Yeah.

39:13 Adam He's a little bit of a late bloomer. He's probably good. Yes, nerd. Dwayne? Yeah. Nerd?

39:18 Caller Probably.

39:19 Adam What do you do? Something with computers?

39:21 Caller Of course.

39:22 Adam What do you do?

39:24 Caller Technical support.

39:25 Adam For computers? Shocker. You can never judge a book by its cover. It's important never to judge.

39:30 Caller All right.

39:31 Adam So you do something with computers.

39:32 Drew You're profiling now. Come on.

39:33 Adam You got a little late start. You weren't the captain of the football team in high school and banging cheerleaders and stuff, right?

39:39 Caller Of course.

39:41 Adam Now you've got a good gig. You're getting on track and you're starting to get your man wings.

39:45 Caller Of course. Yeah.

39:46 Adam Okay. All right.

39:47 Caller Trying to dive in, so to speak. Go ahead.

39:49 Adam All right. You're not a virgin technically, but you have a low mileage penis, yes?

39:55 Caller Actually, I'd say no.

39:57 Drew Virgin.

39:58 Adam No. You'd say low mileage penis?

40:00 Caller No, not a low mileage penis.

40:01 Adam Really? A lot of beating off. A lot of beating off. All right. Point is, go ahead. Look, if she's into you, I guarantee she's okay. Okay. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean once in a while, there are these chicks that like the bad boys. Yes. You got to watch out for them because the vagina has been around the world, like one of those cartoons when Bugs Bunny hits the fastball. This goes all the way around the world.

40:27 Drew They've slept with every girl that he has slept with.

40:30 Adam Yeah, that's right. Now, this chick, if she's in to you and she's in to having sex with you, is probably a little on the tamer side.

40:38 Drew Low mileage vagina.

40:39 Adam Low mileage vagina. All right, so here's the whole thing. Don't ruin it all by asking much stupid questions. Just go out on a few dates with her and then when the time comes, do your thing. Don't worry about-

40:50 Drew Wear a condom.

40:52 Adam Wear a condom, but don't worry about dental dams and saline wrap and all that.

40:56 Drew The reality is that in a low-risk situation, a male on female oral sex is actually a low-risk act. Not zero, but you assess your risk and go accordingly. You're 29, you're an adult, not talking to a 17-year-old or a 15-year-old.

41:11 Adam You know math, they don't do. They do a thing where like when you have sex with somebody, it's like having sex with every partner they've ever. What about when you go down on them? It's like licking the penis of every guy that's ever been there before you, or how's that work?

41:27 Drew That's it.

41:27 Adam See now it's weird.

41:29 Drew Except it's not. Because some of these, it is as far as HIV goes. All the other conditions that you're likely to get from oral sex are sort of temporal. They don't go on forever except for the HIV and the herpes.

41:43 Adam Well, I'll tell you what I've learned from watching these PSAs on HIV. Anyone can get it at any time, white, black, male, female, rich or poor, heterosexual or gay, anyone at any time, even if you're engaged in monogamous, heterosexual relationships, you still can get AIDS. Just as well, you thought it was all the gay guys just because those are the only ones you know have ever died of AIDS. But it's not. You thought it was just the gays because no one knows a straight person that's got it, except for some eight-year-old that got it from a transfusion, probably drew blood from a gay guy like 10 years earlier and gave it to the kid. But that's untrue, Drew. I've learned otherwise. Because like I said, close your eyes, think about all the straight people you know who've passed on because of AIDS. Everyone, everyone close your eyes. Celebrities, dignitaries, friends, family members, parents, grandparents.

42:35 Drew Rock cuts? Oh, no way.

42:37 Adam Yeah, yeah. Everyone just think about all the straight people that have died of AIDS that you know personally. Just a moment. Yeah, okay. So now you know. It's an equal opportunity offender, this drug. I mean, this disease could take anyone down at any time.

42:52 Drew Well, because it can do that doesn't mean it's epidemiology reflects.

42:55 Adam Oh, Drew, I don't want to hear the truth. I'm trying to do a PSA where I'm trying to scare the ass out of everybody and I can't single out a group that is much more likely to get it so that my PSA could actually do some good. I got to say everybody. You just got to say everybody all the time, everybody, everybody. It's fine, everybody. You smoke, you kill everybody. You kill yourself, you kill everybody. You have sex, you kill yourself, you kill everyone. Everyone's got AIDS. Either you're dying from firsthand smoke, which is you smoking yourself or there's secondhand smoke or secondhand heterosexual AIDS. Yeah, it's worse. It's more dangerous. It's more dangerous. All right there, very effective. There it is. That's the PSAs we have to hear all goddamn night. Well, we have to include everyone, so you include no one. So it's nothing.

43:40 Drew Well, that's young people hearing white noise when you do that.

43:43 Adam Yeah. It's like seeing a sign on the highway that says, watch out because deers run across and then you go, oh, no, no, you have to include alligators and giraffes, and you have to get hippopotamuses. Because who knows? And you're like, there's no hippos here. It's just you have to make all of them. And before you know it, there's a sign with seven million animals on it. And now you're not hanging it.

44:07 Drew Just know it's ours.

44:08 Adam Now it just looks like a mosaic of Roger Ebert's head. When your headlights hit it. It looks like nobody. I was watching a review show. It looks like nobody anymore. And now you actually hit the deer.

44:21 Caller I'm going to stay out of trouble.

44:22 Drew That's right.

44:23 Adam We'll take a quick break.

44:24 Drew Don't start us.

44:25 Adam We'll be right back after this.

44:28 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191, Loveline, Loveline, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

44:33 We'll be right back.

44:36 Bubbline is brought to you by the American Legacy Foundation.

44:39 Drew Truth-promoting, well-informed decisions since 1999.

45:08 Adam That's what I'm talking about. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. The great Jimmy Kimmel called in during the commercial and explained to Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Don't waste my time.

45:23 Drew We got a minute and a half here.

45:23 Adam Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, We'll be right back. Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior. Your junior producer, Lauren, at Level 42, the band I spoke of some moments ago, sings something about you in Lessons of Love. And I think Lessons of Love start coming around to Drew.

45:45 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

45:45 Adam Yeah. I'm going to get you. That was a good band.

45:49 Drew Quick call. Come on. Quick call.

45:52 Adam All right. Quick call. Marie?

45:55 Yes.

45:56 Adam You're 27?

45:57 Caller Yes, I am.

45:58 Drew What's up?

46:00 Caller I recently read in Playboy that the use of nonoxynol 9 in condoms is not to be used more than once a day. Is that true?

46:07 Drew The World Health Organization raised some questions about whether or not nonoxynol 9 was a good thing or not on condoms. Originally, it was used as a possible added barrier to HIV.

46:20 Adam Oh, really?

46:20 Drew Then, yeah, because it killed the virus, they thought. Then...

46:23 Adam Well, did it?

46:24 Drew Well, then some data came out that showed there was a, perhaps, a slight increase of HIV transmission with nonoxynol-9. It actually wasn't proven, but they suggested that further study was necessary. In the meantime, many condom companies left the nonoxynol-9 on board as a spermicide to prevent pregnancy, not anything to do with STDs, because it is an added barrier in case the condom fails. Now, that being said, there's really no firm evidence that does anything deleterious. So there's concern, though, that might irritate things and thereby increase the risk of transmission of STD, but that has not been proven.

47:00 Adam If you're going through two condoms a day with your guides, time to get on the pill.

47:05 Drew I agree with you.

47:05 Adam I mean, you guys are officially an item. If he's banging you 14 times a week.

47:09 Drew Yeah.

47:10 No!

47:14 Drew What the hell was that? No, yes, Murray.

47:17 Adam Wait a minute. Was she doing a sound check or something?

47:20 Drew Whatever. We gotta go to break.

47:21 Adam All right. We'll take a quick break, and then we'll be back for a nice, long marathon of me yammering. And I got stuff to say. I got stuff to say, Drew.

47:30 Drew In a post to The Last Hour?

47:31 Adam Yeah. After this. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. So I saw this news story about these guys are calling them like the Lost Boys or something. These are all the 16, 17, 18-year-old guys who are living in these crazy polygamist communities that are in like Utah and Arizona.

48:55 Drew I didn't hear about this. Tell me more.

48:57 Adam Well, so my wife's reading this article, like I don't know, People or whatever.

49:05 Drew I knew you weren't reading it.

49:07 Adam No, I wasn't reading it. But I don't like those magazines because it's always how much fun everyone else is having. Then they put the magazine down and they're like, you know where J.Lo went with Mark Anthony of Just Because? Where? South of France. So he said, like, look, you know what I want you reading? National Geographic. Yeah, here's a guy. He lives on top of a sharp stick. That's, otherwise he'll be eaten by army ants. Yeah, why don't you read about that guy? You don't feel so bad. Not talking about jewelry that Brad bought at Angelina. I swear to Christ, all those magazines, they just, they breed envy.

49:46 Drew Discontent, yes.

49:48 Adam And then that leads to discontent.

49:49 Drew Built on envy, you're right.

49:50 Adam The first beat is, wow, look how good everyone looks.

49:54 Drew That makes me feel, I'm interested, look how that, ooh, are you aroused by that.

49:57 Adam What are they doing? Oh, they're on the south, oh, the French Riviera.

50:00 Drew So when they're in there, they go with them, they're having a fantasy ride with them.

50:04 Adam Right.

50:05 Drew Drop back in their life.

50:06 Adam Then they throw it down, they shut the magazine, she looks across the room at me, I've done one of those cupped hand fart things where I'm trying to wave the fart back up into my face. My wife's like, you know what, Brad, first off, he brought Maddox in, Angelina's Filipino child, I mean, he's already a father. You know what?

50:32 Drew We need to go to China and get a baby.

50:33 Adam Yeah. Everyone's walking down the red carpet, everyone's having a great time at the Hollywood Night Spot, everyone's doing everything, and then the magazine closes and then announce on me, why don't we, how come you never, we never, I'm telling you, chicks gotta start reading National Geographic. I know it's a slippery slope because they might actually learn something about something and I know how painful information is to the mind of a married woman, but you read that National Geographic, all you read about is the floods and the rains and the torrential rains and the mosquitoes and everyone's having a horrible, people sleeping on the dirt and mud huts and they look at that and they look at you, cupping the fart, all of a sudden you're looking pretty good.

51:16 Drew Oh, thank you.

51:17 Adam Yeah, so.

51:19 Drew Let me partake.

51:20 Adam She's reading this thing and she's very upset because all these 16 and 17 year old guys have been cast out of the Polygamy Village essentially.

51:29 Drew Because they're competition.

51:30 Adam Right, now there's trumped up charges like we saw you reading a magazine or kissing a girl or something, but the elders have gotten together and cast you out now.

51:42 Drew By the way, this is how primitive man started settling villages and why one village fought with the other. This is it. This is how it happened.

51:51 Adam Right. Now basically, and as I've explained on the show many times, every cult and this Polygamy is no different. The seed of every cult, behind every cult there's a 51 year old guy wants to get laid.

52:05 Drew Yes.

52:06 Adam Behind every cult, there's a guy in his mid 50s who wants to bang 14 year olds. And look, I understand him. I mean, I know where he's coming from. I'm just not going to pretend like it's okay.

52:18 Drew Right.

52:18 Adam These guys just take it a step further. It's like, well, look.

52:21 Drew Well, they make it sacred.

52:22 Adam Yeah.

52:23 Drew It's sacralized.

52:23 Adam Let's see. So here's how we have to figure this out. I'm 53. I got a boner. I'm tired of trying to bang in the old leather sack I've been married to for 41 years.

52:34 Drew I need a reason for an 18-year-old.

52:36 Adam Like to get my 18, old maid. I'm going to get my paws on a nice 15, 16-year-old. How am I going to swing this? That surely ain't going to work in this society. I'll go somewhere, start my own cult. I'll be in charge. I got there first. Everyone's got to worship me. I'll kick out the young guys. I got my 71 wives. I'll have 72. Put a nice 14-year-old on the Barbie. Awesome. So they just start exiling these 16, 17-year-old kids. These guys, never seen Nintendo, never had an interaction with a human being, essentially, except for they're effed up cult family members and have no idea what to do now. Right. They're just cast outside and just floating around Utah or Arizona. Awesome. So now we got our pick of the 15-year-old litter now. Oh, yeah. Whenever they get into this stuff, they never really work the part about just the crux, the motor that drives this entire engine that drags the train, is always some 50-year-old guy wants to get laid.

53:39 Drew What was the point of the article?

53:40 Adam Well, that was the point of the article.

53:42 Drew They pointed that out.

53:43 Adam Yeah. The DA or whoever in Utah or Arizona basically pointed out that, they're getting rid of the competition because 15-year-old chicks like 17-year-old boys, we got to get rid of 17-year-old boys, they're a nice 53-year-old guy.

53:56 Drew Yeah.

53:56 Adam Got a couple of gray pubes. That's all right, baby. Keep going. Remember, I'm your spiritual leader. Yeah. We can't judge. Oh, no.

54:05 Drew How dare you?

54:06 Adam No. It's important not to judge. It all makes sense. Yeah, it's true.

54:11 Drew Always.

54:12 Adam Look, this is the angle I'm going if I ever go off the deep end. I'm starting a cult and the same rules apply.

54:19 Drew How will we know that you've gone off the deep end? You'll start the cult?

54:23 Adam You'll see 15-year-old stuff down my pants. You'll see just her feet hanging around and flapping around. I'll be walking around with her stuff down the front of my pants.

54:31 Drew In fact, there won't be any pants. There'll be robes.

54:33 Adam Oh, yeah.

54:33 Drew There'll be robes.

54:34 Adam That's right. That's right. I'll be wearing like a tunic.

54:37 Drew But I'll look under the tunic and there'll be like six pairs of feet.

54:40 Adam It's going to be a frock actually, sort of a-

54:43 Drew White frock, yes.

54:44 Adam Well, I get the white one. Everyone else gets the brown one.

54:46 Drew Right.

54:47 Adam But sort of the kind of thing a friar would wear. You know what I mean? A lot of free balling, rope for belt, hood, sacred hood. Hood, that means you mean business. There's a hood built in, that means you mean business. Power. All right. You ready, Drew?

55:02 Drew Serious.

55:03 Adam Want to talk to Monica?

55:05 Drew Yeah, let's do.

55:06 Adam Monica?

55:08 Drew Call her goes by Monica. There we go. There you are.

55:12 Adam What's up?

55:14 Caller I used to do adult films. I haven't done it for like a year and a half.

55:21 Adam Hold on.

55:22 Drew Hold on a second, Monica.

55:23 Adam I was thinking about.

55:24 Drew Adam's not done talking about free balling.

55:26 Adam No, no. I want to talk about adult films. Don't go anywhere, Monica. I just want to say something that popped in my head. Hold on, Monica. Don't go anywhere, right? Don't hang up on Monica. I got a lot of adult film questions to ask her. You know what I was thinking about? I was going through my movies and came across Deep Throat today. I thought they had the big, I don't know, 30-year reunion or whatever it was and it's the highest grossing porn film of all time and all that stuff. Linda Lovelace this and Linda Lovelace that. But the thing that I thought about today is, she's not the only chick in the movie.

56:03 Drew Right.

56:03 Adam There's some other blonde chick who looked like she was 19 and stoned who's in half the movie.

56:08 Drew Really?

56:09 Adam And I thought, what horrible luck of the draw for her. Because she's not a porn star. I have not seen her in any other movies, never heard of her name before.

56:19 Drew But everyone's seen her in this film.

56:22 Adam Look at it this way. You're some blonde chick, you're probably going to some liberal arts college or something. It's 1973, you're 19, you get stoned, someone offers you 300 bucks. Yeah, what the hell? Thirty years later, it's done $70 billion in sales worldwide. Meanwhile, you're just trying to get married and get on with your family now. You're sitting around, your husband's got to see the news. Hey, they're having a big reunion or they're doing a documentary or it's like, holy Christ.

56:50 Drew She could bury it. She wouldn't be identifiable 30 years later.

56:53 Adam No, not walking down the street, but I'm sure there's a guy who's married to her and there's just a couple of teenage boys who.

57:01 Drew Seen a couple of things.

57:02 Adam Seen a couple of things on the Internet.

57:04 Drew Yeah.

57:04 Adam You know what I mean? As opposed to the millions of other crappy adult films that were done in 1973 that just got by everyone's radar. I'm just saying, she never made any money for it, I'm sure, just got dragged along for the horrible ride.

57:16 Caller Wow.

57:17 Adam Heavy, huh?

57:17 Drew Yeah, it's heavy. It's scary.

57:18 Adam Heavy. I'll find out that chick's name.

57:21 Drew Right out of addiction.

57:22 Adam Monica?

57:22 Caller Yes.

57:23 Adam Or embarrassment. Monica? 21.

57:26 Caller Go ahead. So yeah, I used to do adult films. I haven't done it for a year and a half, maybe longer.

57:32 Adam How many did you do?

57:35 Caller Not a lot. Just a lot of the movies that I did were kind of like high-end. Like they were the like high-definition films. I didn't do any of like the nasty.

57:45 Drew Oh, Monica.

57:46 Adam Hold on. Hold on with the S-word.

57:50 Drew Well, she's been to finishing school. We can tell that already.

57:53 Adam What I was thinking about, the other thing I was thinking about is there's so much porn now. Everyone's like, well, if you make a porn, everyone's going to see it because it can be on the internet. No, they're not because there's so much of it now. There's such a sea of it. All the amateur stuff is, I don't know if they'd ever, it's needle in the haystack kind of thing that your stuff comes up.

58:10 Drew Interesting.

58:11 Adam Yeah?

58:11 Drew It's weird.

58:12 Adam Think about it. Yeah. There's a glut of porn out there. God bless this country. Monica?

58:18 Caller Yeah.

58:19 Adam Imagine when we pull one of those kids off the abuse ranch over there in Utah with the polygamous and I show him DVD porn.

58:28 Drew Oh, he'll think he went out of space or something. Yeah. He'll be like Clockwork Orange.

58:33 Caller Yeah.

58:34 Caller What is this?

58:36 Adam He would probably attack the screen with his penis. 61-inch DLP, high-def. He gets his dork out and just charges it. What happened to Joshua? Toaster. Toaster.

58:54 Drew Toaster accident.

58:55 Adam Toaster.

58:56 Drew Hair dryer fell in the tub.

58:58 Adam Hair dryer fell in the toaster.

59:01 Drew He had never exploded electronics.

59:03 Adam He was burnt badly. No, no, don't. Keep the coffin close. Yeah. Imagine showing one of those kids some nice Internet porn. 17. Never saw nothing. Yeah.

59:20 Drew They go crazy.

59:21 Adam Freak out. Monica.

59:23 Caller Yeah.

59:24 Drew So hold back on the S and the F words, will you please?

59:27 Caller I'm sorry.

59:28 Drew Okay. So what's going on? So Adam asked a question you still have not answered.

59:32 Caller Honestly, it wasn't a lot, but I don't really know.

59:37 Drew Was it three or was it 30?

59:39 Adam That is a lie. You do know.

59:41 Caller Okay. So it was, I don't know, like 30.

59:45 Drew 30.

59:45 Caller Yeah.

59:46 Adam Okay.

59:47 Drew I understand you don't want to count, but you could count if you did.

59:50 Caller I really don't want to count.

59:51 Drew That's right. Okay.

59:52 Adam All right.

59:53 Caller And I regret it very much. And you do? Yes, I do.

59:57 Adam This just straight, straight sex stuff?

1:00:00 Caller Yeah. I mean, I did girl on girl stuff too, but.

1:00:05 Adam Oh. Anderson wants to know what your screen name was so we can beat off later.

1:00:09 Caller Oh my God. Do I have to say that on the air?

1:00:12 Drew No.

1:00:12 Caller Okay.

1:00:13 Adam Now you don't have to.

1:00:14 Drew Did you?

1:00:15 Adam But do me a favor. When we put you on hold, tell Anderson off the air. Not so I can beat off. It's just rarer that I can put a face to the collar as well. No, I understand. Yeah.

1:00:24 Drew So you can beat off. Right. Not so I can beat off. Yeah. I got a dog for that. All right.

1:00:29 Caller Oh.

1:00:30 Drew I think he's kidding. Monica, were you doing drugs or anything at the time?

1:00:36 Caller No. No, no, no, no. Never.

1:00:41 Adam Sorry. Didn't mean to offend your delicate sensibilities, Your Highness.

1:00:45 Caller No. But everybody asked me that and no, I never.

1:00:47 Drew Well, that's sort of a typical.

1:00:48 Adam You should start saying yes.

1:00:50 Caller I really should.

1:00:51 Adam Okay. Well, what got you into it? Were you dancing?

1:00:54 Caller No. I was not dancing. I was more like I didn't have anywhere to live.

1:01:01 Drew How come?

1:01:03 Caller Family problems.

1:01:05 Drew Were you being beaten or something at home?

1:01:06 Caller No. I wasn't getting along with my mom and her.

1:01:09 Drew Yeah. But not getting along, people don't leave home because of not getting along when things are awful.

1:01:14 Caller Well, I was very rebellious and I did leave home. I really was not getting along with my mother and we would fight. I didn't like her husband and her now husband, which now they're getting divorced.

1:01:26 Drew Was he doing anything weird to you?

1:01:27 Caller No.

1:01:28 Adam You never got molested?

1:01:30 Caller No.

1:01:31 Adam So you were 18 when you left?

1:01:33 Caller Does not compute.

1:01:35 Caller One guy that I was dating, his friend after we stopped dating, his friend offered me money and was like, hey, if you want to, if you need to make some quick cash. And I was like, I thought about it. And I thought a long time about it. And I was finally like, you know what? Screw it. And I.

1:01:52 Adam How much, how much did you make?

1:01:54 Caller 1300.

1:01:56 Adam And like, did you know the guy you had sex with?

1:01:59 Caller Yes.

1:02:01 Adam How did you know him?

1:02:02 Caller It was the guy that I was dating with his friend.

1:02:05 Adam Oh, his friend. Wow. That's quite a scam.

1:02:08 Caller No, it wasn't like that. It's just the guy that I was dating kind of screwed me over. And like.

1:02:13 Adam No, no.

1:02:13 Drew So you're actually a friend with him.

1:02:15 Caller All right.

1:02:16 Drew Oh, so the friend that offered the guy that offered you the guy that offered you the money was the guy that you had sex with.

1:02:21 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:02:21 Adam That's what I saw. That's the scam part.

1:02:23 Drew Oh, boy. All right. There's got to be some more serious abuse that went down in your home before you left. Maybe not. Well, well, maybe not immediately at there. But early on, something must have happened. No. Where is your biological father?

1:02:39 Caller He's in Mississippi.

1:02:40 Drew And what happened with him?

1:02:42 Adam It could be worse in Florida.

1:02:44 Drew Yeah. But what happened when he was around?

1:02:45 Caller Nothing. My mom left him when I was two.

1:02:48 Drew Why?

1:02:49 Adam Drew, well, hold on a second. Let me talk to Drew. Drew, you and I are on the same page with all this stuff, except for I do believe there are sort of exceptions. And I'll tell you why.

1:03:03 Drew When it comes to human behavior, there's always exceptions. And there can be exceptions.

1:03:05 Adam I'm just saying personally, I know what it's like to be super poor and super naive and have super low self-esteem and be super stupid and sort of be out on my own. And I would have carried drugs through an airport for some Colombian guy.

1:03:18 Drew And if you-

1:03:19 Adam I would have done stupid things.

1:03:20 Drew Hi, this is Adam. I'm calling from North Hollywood. I've been key-storing cocaine. Really? What happened in your home? Nothing, nothing. My parents are divorced. Oh, yeah, my mom neglected me for five- okay, there you go.

1:03:30 Adam All right, well, there you go.

1:03:32 Drew I'm just saying that even your history would add up.

1:03:35 Adam Well, yeah, but not add up, not good enough for you on the radio.

1:03:39 Drew No, it would. It would.

1:03:41 Adam What she's saying that she thinks she didn't get along with her mom. She had a stepdad who didn't get along with. You're looking for sort of black and white cases of abuse. She's not going to give you anything. I'm sure you could build a case if you took a look at her life. But no, nothing wholesale, nothing you can hang your hat on. Okay, so Monica, I think it's fair to say that you didn't come from the greatest environment, but there was no overt sexual or physical abuse.

1:04:09 Caller To be honest, I grew up really well until I was about 13. My mom remarried when I was five and he was like my father. I called him dad and then he died when I was 13 and then she remarried.

1:04:24 Adam What happened to him?

1:04:26 Caller He was murdered.

1:04:28 Drew Oh my God.

1:04:29 Adam Now we're starting to get somewhere. What happened?

1:04:32 Drew That makes him a drug addict though.

1:04:34 Caller No, I really don't know what happened. I guess I chose not to understand. I was 13 and I just know he was shot.

1:04:44 Adam Shot? Did he own a liquor store?

1:04:48 Caller No, my mom and him were separating. And he was at a lady's house. I don't know what the problems were with the marriage.

1:04:56 Drew It just all ends up with a drug addict.

1:04:58 Caller My mom and I really don't communicate that well about things like that.

1:05:01 Adam He was, well he was at a lady's house.

1:05:04 Drew Monica, there's a billion things here that you're choosing not to look at.

1:05:07 Adam I know, but.

1:05:08 Drew This is just the surface of the stuff.

1:05:09 Adam But he didn't abuse her.

1:05:11 Drew I know, but nothing you can say, oh there was this explicit act, but Monica living in sort of this denial land.

1:05:17 Adam Well here's the thing. Drew, would you say it's fair to say this? Okay, if you were sexually abused growing up, that's a 10 and it can get you into porn. But you could have a nice 3 and a 2 and a 5, and you could add up to a 10.

1:05:35 Drew Yes, but the point is Monica's original thing about the perfect childhood. I don't understand it.

1:05:39 Adam She didn't say the perfect.

1:05:40 Drew I just rebellious just didn't get along with my mom.

1:05:42 Adam Well.

1:05:42 Drew That's what she said. It's like, no, come on. There's a huge story here.

1:05:45 Adam Well, but Drew, you don't realize this is the norm. This is not the exception. I mean, everybody pass. First off, everyone passes. If they didn't get into a train, if they didn't get in a plane crash or their dad didn't try to kill them and get no hostage situation, they just go, yeah, yeah. I had a regular childhood.

1:06:05 Drew Okay, well, that's not, it may be.

1:06:07 Adam They don't know they had, they have to have something. You know, like I said, they had to be molested by a priest or have an alcoholic stepdad be to crap out of them.

1:06:15 Drew To understand that there was.

1:06:16 Adam Yeah, nothing concrete.

1:06:17 Drew Yeah, yeah, okay.

1:06:18 Adam Monica.

1:06:19 Caller Yeah.

1:06:20 Adam Anyway, so now you're done doing these films.

1:06:25 Caller Yes, and I've been done for like a year and a half. A year and a half. I've met a guy and we were, he knew I put everything up front. Like when I first met him, I told him everything I'm going to look. Before I even talked to him over the phone, I just feel like this is the thing you need to know. And I told him.

1:06:43 Drew Where did you meet him? What do you mean talk to him over the phone?

1:06:46 Caller I met him at a club. I was actually, it was like, oh God, it was a while ago and I met him and I stopped talking to him. We went out a couple of times that I stopped talking to him. And then I got back with my ex and then I broke up with my ex. It was just a long stupid chain of like...

1:07:02 Adam Yeah. All right. So you told him everything up front so you, you know, you'd never be interested in any real way.

1:07:07 Caller Yeah. It wasn't going to be a surprise. So we recently started talking again like in September and we've been together ever since. And he told his mom and he told his sister. And...

1:07:21 Drew Genius. Genius.

1:07:23 Adam My mom and my sister don't even know I'm doing a TV show.

1:07:26 Caller Well, no. His mom was totally cool with it. Like she acted like everything was okay. She's like, you know, it's in her past.

1:07:32 Drew I'm not going to judge her for it. Then she put it on the sister to act out her evil.

1:07:35 Caller No. The thing is, the sister and I, we get along. Like her sister and I get along.

1:07:40 Adam All right. Well, then what's the problem?

1:07:41 Drew Why is there a problem then?

1:07:42 Caller Well, now the mom, now his mom has a huge problem with me. Like...

1:07:46 Drew There was not, it's not a now. She's had a problem all along. You're just finding out about it now.

1:07:50 Caller She was so cool with me, like, she made me feel like she wouldn't judge me like, I don't know. Well, I understand she made you feel that way, but that's not what was going on in her head. Yeah, well, now I know.

1:08:02 Adam All right, look, let me explain. It's like when a dad, it's like when a dad's daughter starts dating a guy of a different race, and the dad's uptight about it, but he doesn't want to come across like he's a racist, so he's like, oh, no, listen, Jerome's awesome. Give me five, ten, you know, and that's good. And then it just goes on for a while. Then all of a sudden, they start talking about getting married, and the dad who's semi-racist and trying to keep it under his thing freaks a little bit. That's what mom was doing. Mom was being the cool mom, trying to play the cool mom, but obviously, that's not her. And when the son is talking about getting serious, and by the way, her Spidey sense is right. Mom's? Yes, Monica's chaotic. It's not the past. It's what kind of person would choose to go down that path. It's all about, she's got the chaotic boyfriends and stuff like that. Her mom, this guy's mom is probably right to be freaked out by you, Monica.

1:09:00 Drew Not because of the adult films, not because of the chaos. Now, if maybe you got a little treatment and sort of made yourself as healthy as possible, so the kind of chaos that she's sensing could come from you may be less likely to emerge.

1:09:13 Adam I told his mom.

1:09:15 Drew That's the kind of thing you could do.

1:09:16 Adam So now where's this guy stand?

1:09:20 Caller Well, we're still trying to fight for this relationship to go on.

1:09:23 Drew By the way, we're fighting.

1:09:25 Adam How old is this guy?

1:09:26 Caller He's 25.

1:09:28 Adam He's 25. He doesn't live at home, does he?

1:09:31 Caller No.

1:09:32 Adam Who cares what his mom thinks?

1:09:33 Caller He might as well. Okay. He's a mom's boy, so he might as well live at home.

1:09:38 Adam Yeah.

1:09:39 Drew Yeah, but that mom's got to have a little bit of Monica in her, too, for him to be into Monica. You know what I'm saying?

1:09:46 Adam Monica's good looking, so that's why he's into her. Hey, Monica.

1:09:51 Drew Yeah.

1:09:52 Adam Here's the thing. This may not be the guy you marry, and that's fine. I have a few pieces of advice. One is forget it.

1:10:02 Drew Don't get pregnant.

1:10:03 Adam Do not get pregnant. B, C, and D, do not get pregnant. But E, don't start every relationship with, look, let me just unpack my bags here and show you what I got. By the way, what format do you have? You have DVD or you're a VHS person? I got something. Sit down. I got something to show you. Don't do that. I don't care what your past is, whoever it is, the people you start seeing want to feel like they met you today and they want to feel like you were born the day before. This is when you came into their life and that's the day you became.

1:10:36 Drew Now, your history is something you are responsible for and ultimately you're going to have to tell them, but why don't you go ahead and take care of the internal issues that cause you to make those choices?

1:10:45 Adam Yes.

1:10:46 Drew Then that history has much less power.

1:10:48 Adam I don't even know if I agree with eventually you're going to have to tell them. You're going to have to sort it out for yourself.

1:10:56 Drew Let's put it this way, you work on that with your therapist. In therapy, you decide you want to keep it underground and deal with the consequences if they should, they emerge, that's what you do. You with your chaotic head, making those choices by yourself, is going to result in a disaster, whether you tell or don't tell.

1:11:11 Adam All right. If this guy listens to his mom, then there's nothing you can do about it.

1:11:16 Drew He's going to rebel against it.

1:11:16 Adam You don't want to be with a 25-year-old guy who listens to his mom anyway.

1:11:19 Drew Nor do you want to get married at 21.

1:11:21 Adam Yeah. Did your mom ever give you any advice?

1:11:26 Drew Not really.

1:11:26 Adam Never tried to tell you anything?

1:11:29 Drew No.

1:11:29 Adam Would you listen?

1:11:30 Drew No.

1:11:30 Adam But you would pretend like you were listening, right? I'm not even sure if I would pretend like I was listening.

1:11:38 Drew I know you wouldn't.

1:11:39 Adam My mom would be like, Son, you know, and I'd go, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:11:44 Drew Usually, you'd tell her to move along. No.

1:11:47 Adam Thankfully, no one in my family dispenses any advice.

1:11:50 Drew Or talks to you.

1:11:51 Adam I think they realize if they did dispense advice, it would be met with laughter. Because it just doesn't work well when you go like, Listen, son.

1:12:01 Drew Son? You start right there.

1:12:02 Son!

1:12:05 Adam When you've loved and lost like your old man has. Let me tell you something about business. Oh, by the way.

1:12:10 Drew I got five grand.

1:12:11 Adam I got five grand. I got to fly myself back to Philadelphia. Let's see my brother. Yeah, it's like taking advice from a hobo. Really, taking advice from my family, like taking advice from homeless people. Relationships, finances, whatever.

1:12:29 Drew People are a wealth of wisdom you never know.

1:12:30 Adam Yeah.

1:12:31 Drew Been riding the rails for a long time. You know the folklore, Adam.

1:12:35 Adam At least they can play guitars.

1:12:37 Drew Harmonicas.

1:12:38 Adam Harmonicas. Let's take and start a fire and eat their shoe. They boil it long enough.

1:12:44 Drew And they can twirl their shoelaces. It's good.

1:12:46 Adam Let's take ourselves a little break. A little Germany or Florida. All that after this. Eat things up with new Durex warming condoms. There's sex, and then there's Durex.

1:13:19 Drew Yeah!

1:13:21 Adam System of a down, everybody. Those are my boys. Hardest rocking Armenians in Glendale.

1:13:30 Drew I'd say so.

1:13:32 Adam Without.

1:13:32 Drew Reliably.

1:13:33 Adam Without a doubt.

1:13:34 Drew Yeah.

1:13:35 Adam Those guys are great guys, great band and should be on the show sooner than later. We will hop back to the phones and speak to Jose, who's 18. Jose?

1:13:49 Caller Yeah.

1:13:50 Adam You have a Germany or Florida for us?

1:13:52 Caller Yeah.

1:13:53 Adam Awesome.

1:13:54 Caller All right.

1:13:57 Drew Hold on, Jose.

1:13:58 Adam First the theme.

1:13:58 Germany of Florida.

1:14:01 Caller Germany of Florida.

1:14:08 Drew That is just so I don't get any nasty emails.

1:14:11 Adam I got to hear from David Allen Grier, not from any fans that enjoy that. I like the other David Allen Grier, the scatty one.

1:14:18 Drew Yes, I like that one too.

1:14:19 Adam It's got a little jazzy, scatty.

1:14:21 Caller It's only 25 seconds too.

1:14:23 Adam A little finger popping on.

1:14:24 Drew Yeah, let's hear it. There.

1:14:27 Caller Da, da, da, da.

1:14:31 Is it Germany or Florida? I like the...

1:14:40 Adam Oh, it keeps going.

1:14:41 Drew It's another refrain.

1:14:43 Adam Oh, no, it has an ending where it goes off. Big ending.

1:14:53 Caller It leaves no room for the actual Germany or Florida.

1:14:56 Adam You're right. That's a nice crescendo. I like that one. All right, Jose, go ahead.

1:15:03 Drew I like this one. I wonder which one he actually wants us to play when he writes me those crappy emails. Don't worry, I'll hear about it by tomorrow.

1:15:14 Adam Please, we should find out. All right, Jose, go ahead.

1:15:17 Caller First of all, Adam.

1:15:19 Adam Shut up.

1:15:21 Shut up.

1:15:22 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Taking over Marco Polo this summer. Summer's eating up, Joe. Go ahead, Jose.

1:15:29 Caller Okay. For years, a man has asked his wife for a hand job, but every time the little wife refuses. After three years, he gets fed up and drugs his wife. When she is knocked out, he tries to give himself a hand job with her limp body. But when she comes to, she leaves and files for divorce. Can't see. It's kind of dark. Sorry. A week later, she went missing. When the police bust down his door, they find him trying to give himself a hand job with his dead wife's body. Germany or Florida.

1:16:01 Adam Wow.

1:16:03 Drew A hand job?

1:16:04 Adam Well, the point is, you know what? It feels German to me.

1:16:10 Drew It feels German to me too because it's so macabre.

1:16:12 Adam It's macabre.

1:16:13 Drew Yeah. Florida, a little more trailer park. Jeremy Lamour Macabre.

1:16:17 Adam Florida usually has guns and themes that involve speed and things like that.

1:16:24 Drew Swamps and trails.

1:16:25 Caller You know, rigor mortis might give that hand a nice shape too. Nice form.

1:16:28 Adam Yeah.

1:16:28 Drew Well, Anderson, you're on your game tonight.

1:16:30 Adam That's what I do is I'll take the deceased hand, wrap it around a mop handle and then tape it there, but I'll go ahead and lube it up so I can get the mop handle out.

1:16:41 Drew Sure, sure.

1:16:41 Adam And then when rigor mortis sets in, it's set right. You know what I mean?

1:16:44 Drew Yeah, it's something like cold digits around the Johnson.

1:16:47 Adam Oh, hot. All right. So we're going Germany.

1:16:50 Drew Yep.

1:16:51 Adam We went Germany last time, didn't we?

1:16:52 Drew And I think you did. I don't think I did, but go ahead.

1:16:54 Adam Germany.

1:16:55 Caller It's Florida.

1:16:56 Adam Oh, man.

1:16:58 Caller And Adam, just to give you a heads up, there was an Asian.

1:17:01 Adam What? Asian? Wow. Wow. No way. I'm going to tell you, my compass is spinning. Thanks, Jose. I'll send you out of Windbreaker. Here's the thing about the Asians, they have range.

1:17:12 Drew They do.

1:17:12 Adam They're ranger people than the Jews. That's for god damn sure.

1:17:16 Drew Because when they go south.

1:17:17 Adam Uh-oh. Look out.

1:17:19 Drew Deeply. You got the Khmer Rouge.

1:17:21 Adam When they make their move, they make their move.

1:17:23 Drew Deep.

1:17:23 Adam Yeah.

1:17:24 Drew You got Thailand, you got Khmer Rouge.

1:17:27 Adam Yeah. Here's the thing about the Asian cultures, they keep it in check pretty good. They're pretty good at that, but they're like that super quiet guy who just freaks. And once the super quiet guy freaks out, he's the guy who's got the limp, he's holding the guy's limp body and bashing his head against the curb like he's spinning out, doesn't know where he is. Asians, they snap, they go. Know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's why you don't see any in-betweeners with the Asians. You either see the guy with the thin tie and the horn rimmed glasses just doing a lot of bowing. In the dark suit. In a green. Or you got the guy with the squatted acura and the green spiked hair, who looks like he's out of a video game. There aren't the in-betweeners.

1:18:05 Caller Right. Yep.

1:18:06 Drew Agreed.

1:18:07 Adam Know what I mean?

1:18:07 Drew We're on that one.

1:18:11 Hey, what's going on?

1:18:13 Adam 25. What's up?

1:18:14 I was just wondering, I heard you make a couple, well, actually Dr. Drew make a couple of comments here and there about Dr. Phil, but I haven't really gotten the whole scoop on what you guys think about him. Mm-hmm. And I'd like to find out.

1:18:28 Drew I'm actually softening my thing on him.

1:18:30 Adam How are you?

1:18:30 Drew Yeah, I am.

1:18:31 Adam Why?

1:18:32 Drew Yeah, just because I, I don't know, I've been sort of thinking philosophically lately about people and change and what they need to hear to get them to change.

1:18:42 Adam And Drew, sorry for cutting you off, but is it fair to say this? What the Dr. Phil's of the world or the Dr. Laura's of the world or even the Oprah's of the world, the message they deliver is a sort of no-duh message to us. We don't like, it's like, look, you want to lose weight? Well, you got to stop eating like a horse.

1:19:07 Drew You got to decide to stop eating weight.

1:19:08 Adam Start working out like an athlete. Right. Yeah, you got to decide not to be fat.

1:19:13 Drew And that's what makes me angry and drives me insane, which is they miss the complexity of the reality of human behavior and change.

1:19:20 Adam But don't stupid people just need to hear that?

1:19:22 Drew Maybe, and maybe everybody needs to hear that. And that's why I'm sort of softening my point of view. I guess I was struggling with some patients recently and thinking, God, if I could just send them to a boot camp, they really would benefit from that.

1:19:33 Adam Well, here's the thing with the, I think, all these so-called experts that you see on television who are marvelously successful, much more so than we are. Their message is sort of seems like no-duff. You have a couple of brain cells to rub together. But it's certainly, you can't argue with it. Like, you want to lose weight, we got to start exercising and stop eating so much.

1:19:56 Drew What troubles me is that it really makes an extraordinarily complex phenomenon, meaning the functions of the human brain, spiritually, emotionally, socially. It simplifies it too much. And let me give you an example. The idea would be like, we're taking one of my heroin addicts and just convincing them they need to decide to not do heroin. That is, listen, they've all decided that they're dying not to do it. They're dying of this disease.

1:20:21 Adam You gotta decide not to chase that dragon, son.

1:20:25 Drew It's nothing to do with deciding. But on the other hand, you do gotta decide to trust other people and to take direction. And so there is certain volitional quality in this. The question is, how do you get people to that point? And that's a very complex issue.

1:20:37 Adam Okay, you understand I can't not eat for you.

1:20:42 Drew What do you think, Kristen?

1:20:43 Adam I cannot exercise for you. I cannot physically put you on a treadmill and manipulate your legs. You're going to have to do that on your own.

1:20:53 Drew What do you think, Kristen?

1:20:54 You know, I was just asking because I'm a psychology major, and anything having to do with the therapeutic process I'm interested in, so I do watch it, but I actually almost got on his show. He was going to do a debate, Dr. Phil Day, or whatever, and I had left an email, and they called me back, and I exchanged photos, and they never ended up having fun with it.

1:21:13 Drew What was the debate on?

1:21:15 I'm sorry, what?

1:21:16 Drew What was the debate on?

1:21:17 Well, he had said some remarks. I know you guys are probably going to roll your eyes. It is about marijuana, and just basically he was saying that if you're making a decision that's going to harm yourself in some way or your body, that you don't have business making a decision about anything. I just think that he doesn't say anything about people smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol because those are legal.

1:21:39 Drew See, that bothers me, this very broad sweeping.

1:21:41 Adam Dogs are pack animals. They're pack animals. Your job is not to be your dog's friend, your dog's buddy, or your dog's lover.

1:21:51 Drew Chris, what troubles me a lot, and that's what I've been thinking a lot about lately.

1:21:54 Adam There are no straight lines in nature.

1:21:56 Drew Maybe you'd appreciate this, hang on, which is that most people respond to the media and the ambient culture, and really ultimately, even if they're thoughtful and smart people, ultimately they react in fairly primitive ways. People need these platitudes and these people telling you, I can show you the way, just follow me. And they like that simplistic approach that unfortunately is just not me.

1:22:19 Adam You're either on drugs or you're not. I don't want some pothead flying the airplane that I'm in with my children.

1:22:29 Drew On the other hand, he's not saying bad things, right, Kristen? He's not advocating things. Yeah. So, you know.

1:22:35 Adam Hey, look, these guys are all just doing the warmed over crap stuff. My wife forces me, she forced me over there for whatever break we had some weeks back. You go, oh, 4th of July, you gotta watch Oprah. You gotta watch Oprah. She's got a, she's got a, she's got a fit, you know, she's got a fitness guy on. It's her fitness guy. He's gonna explain, you know, it's like, okay, Oprah's fitness guy's on. What's that? Okay, now, you can't stop eating. Okay, that's not an option. Now, you know, first, first move, here you go. Now, now, see, if you're an alcoholic, you stop drinking. And if you want to quit smoking, you stop, but you can't stop eating. Where's my notepad? Because I was going to live off, well, I was going to live off is my own urine. Well, I was going to use, it was going to be a cocktail of my own urine injected with some CO2 cartridges. You know, just give it a little, a little shvitz. Yeah, a little frizz. Yeah, a little fizz on there. Yeah, so you can't not eat. Okay, now, you should eat smaller, but more frequent meals throughout the day.

1:23:39 Drew Oh, you never heard that before.

1:23:40 Adam You don't do that one where, where at 1230 at night, I just start rolling out the cards, card after card.

1:23:46 Drew Sunday.

1:23:47 Adam Like Henry VIII, I just undo my belt, and I just sit there, just gnawing on giant, giant legs and racks of lamb. So not one huge gluttonous meal, but smaller meals throughout the day. And you know, it's about moderation, and it's not about cutting things out wholesale.

1:24:06 Drew Exercise.

1:24:07 Adam Nobody said you didn't have to ever have a cookie, but don't have 100 cookies, have two cookies, and then you got to exercise. And you know, I'm looking at my wife going, yeah, no ass.

1:24:19 No, really?

1:24:21 Drew Where's the interesting?

1:24:23 Adam She's brainwashed you too? Of course this is how you lose weight. Goddamn book written by Caveman would tell you this, don't eat so much dinosaur and run further to track him down.

1:24:35 Drew There you go.

1:24:36 Adam That's how you lose weight, swing a bigger club.

1:24:38 Drew Bring it on.

1:24:40 Adam And then the dog whisperer guy's on there and he's some little homo from like Nicaragua and he's explaining in this, the guy sounds like a chihuahua and he's explaining you have to be the boss of your dog.

1:24:51 Drew It really has to be the affect of content, the way they make people feel about what they're saying because what they're saying is nothing. So it's gotta be something about how they feel about it.

1:24:59 Adam It's basically explaining that it's not your job to be your dog's best friend. And the dog, you know, you can't give the dog mixed signals. You can't tell him no one time and then no the other. And you know, you can't throw him off the sofa and then smother him with love and give him treats. And it's like, it's just sort of basic 101. It's like somebody telling you how to hump or something. It's just, look, everyone knows how to do that. Leave him alone. I don't know how you sell books. I don't know how Oprah, I'm sure Oprah falls in love with you because he preys on her, make her feel good about herself and never question her. But the decorating guy is on there.

1:25:36 Drew The guy we had here last week, what did he write? The book about, though he's not just that into you, just not that into you.

1:25:40 Adam Yeah, I asked the guy three times and he was a nice guy, but I asked him three times, give us something that we wouldn't know. You saying I've called the guy ten times, he's not returned my call, is not the things books are made of.

1:25:53 Drew Right, but it is apparently. Well, the headline anyway, the title.

1:25:57 Adam Evidently it is. Are people that goddamn stupid?

1:26:02 Drew Primitive.

1:26:03 Adam Primitive.

1:26:04 Drew I wouldn't call them stupid, but we just, we seem to respond primitively. We just do. Anyway, let's take a break.

1:26:09 Adam Come on. Maybe, you know what, Drew? Maybe there's something comforting about experts telling you stuff you already knew or felt that makes you feel smart and like an expert yourself. There's nothing worse than having some expert tell you a bunch of crap and go, Wow, I never thought of that.

1:26:24 Drew I think it's a little more subtle. It's like, I get that. I get that. Oh, do tell. You're an expert telling me things that I can easily digest, and that makes me an expert now.

1:26:34 Adam You know what? I think it's both. I think it's them going, you know what?

1:26:37 Drew Yeah, I did that.

1:26:38 Adam You know what? For many years, See Adam, I told you. For many years, I toyed with the radical theory that less calories and more exercise would burn weight, but I had not had it substantiated until an expert. Finally, total vindication.

1:26:53 Caller I am the smartest man alive.

1:26:57 Adam Vindication.

1:26:58 Drew We got to pick.

1:26:58 Adam The gay guy in the Unitar agrees with me. Awesome. Then she has her decorating guy in there.

1:27:05 Caller They can do it. You can do it.

1:27:07 Adam They're all the same thing. It's like, look, I feel like you're home. For me, I entertain, but I entertain casually. I like to have people. I never heard anyone go, you know what? I entertain very formally. I have a big stick up my ass. I'm weird. Some guy puts a can down. Coaster's got to be under it. I'm uptight, baby. You know what I mean? It's like, if you're like me, you like to entertain casually in the kitchen. People hanging around. It's a place where people gather. Shut up, you idiot.

1:27:35 Drew Who needs it?

1:27:36 Adam I got to hear from a bunch of gay guys. They like to hang out in the kitchen and they're casual. They're never just buying into it. I believe your living room should look good, but it should be comfortable as well. Oh really? Because I like to sit on sharp bamboo spears that have hippo flop on them so I get infected. You ever see my-

1:28:00 Drew I saw it, I saw it.

1:28:01 Adam I got a sofa called the Burmese Tiger Trap. It's nothing but shards of bamboo with fecal matter on it. I like to be comfortable when I'm in my, shut up.

1:28:12 Drew Was that really hippo flop? I just thought it was cow pie.

1:28:15 Adam You know what I like to do? I like touches of nature. I like to bring them inside the- I like to do, I like just a slab and a floor drain in a prison con.

1:28:24 Drew Be fair. It's kind of what you talk to yourself like.

1:28:27 Adam Monkey cage. Oh, please.

1:28:31 Drew Come on. What is it with us tonight?

1:28:32 Adam All right.

1:28:32 Drew We're done with everybody. You know what? Last night screwed us up.

1:28:35 Adam I'm done with everyone.

1:28:35 Drew The TCA thing.

1:28:36 Adam We're done with all of you. Take a quick break. Be right back after this. Yeah, everybody, it's Love Line. I'm very honest about her lesbian.

1:29:17 Drew Nobody, she was about lesbianism and where it came from in her.

1:29:21 Adam All right, Drew and I over the weekend. I can't remember when I talked to this chick. Oh, you know what? This weekend, I did these Meet the Press things for a couple of TV shows I'm doing. Drew did something like that too, and we met a chick from Tall magazine. Met the same lesbian who shared all her abuse survivor stories with us.

1:29:44 Drew And her appreciation of the stuff we talk about.

1:29:45 Adam Yeah, let me tell you my feeling about that in person, which is I like drawing it out of people when they just cough it up on me in person. It's like, ugh, oh boy.

1:29:56 Drew I have a little different reaction, because usually when they bring it out, it's like it's there, it's out, it's not gonna be any weird or heavy stuff. It's just like, hey, I've dealt with this. Thank you for bringing it up. Make it top of people's minds.

1:30:06 Adam Drew was just explaining that she was very forthcoming about her lesbianism.

1:30:12 Drew Well, not that she is a lesbian, but the-

1:30:14 Adam She was seven foot tall in her hair. She had a haircut like-

1:30:20 Drew She had the brutality that she-

1:30:21 Adam George C. Scott had in Patton.

1:30:23 Drew But the brutality that she'd experienced at the hands of men drove her into that, and now she's sort of much more fluid. It's like, eh, she could be, you know.

1:30:31 Adam It's a haircut like George Goebel.

1:30:34 Drew Nice.

1:30:35 Adam Yeah. Remember you always had that buzz cut?

1:30:37 Drew Yeah.

1:30:38 Adam Yeah. Kim?

1:30:40 Caller Hello?

1:30:40 Adam You're 17?

1:30:42 Caller Yeah.

1:30:42 Adam You're attracted to older men?

1:30:44 Caller And women, yes.

1:30:46 Drew Ooh. Anything you want to tell us?

1:30:49 Adam What's up?

1:30:50 Caller I don't know. It's weird. Everybody thinks it's a phase, but I don't know. I'm attracted to them.

1:30:56 Adam All right. Have you done anything with anybody?

1:30:59 Well, like, people my own age, yeah, but, like...

1:31:04 Drew Boys and girls? Yeah.

1:31:07 Adam All right. What up? Were you abused?

1:31:10 No, I wasn't. I'm...

1:31:12 Adam Okay.

1:31:12 I'm, well, like, physically, yeah, my mom for a while, because she's an alcoholic and mother.

1:31:17 Drew Okay, well, pep, pep, pep.

1:31:18 Adam That's abuse.

1:31:18 Drew There you go.

1:31:19 Adam All right, Kim.

1:31:21 Caller Uh-huh.

1:31:22 Adam There's a couple things I want to say very quickly. A, I'm a genius, so listen what I have to say. B, we talk to people who say they've listened to the show for 10 years, and then they're strung out on heroin, and they're in prison, and whatever. Please listen to what we have to tell you. You don't sound stupid. I don't get that from me at all. But you're troubled because of your past. You're going to act out. I know it's a kind of celebrity being a good-looking chick and being 17 and having your sort of pick of the litter with the guys and the girls, and be able to do whatever you want. Society doesn't judge too much these days. How about you focus on just getting your grades going and going somewhere to college?

1:32:00 Caller Oh yeah, I got a 4.0.

1:32:01 Adam And getting some therapy and not acting out.

1:32:03 Drew What's that?

1:32:03 Caller I have a 4.0. I'm like an honor student.

1:32:06 Drew She doesn't need to focus on that.

1:32:07 Adam You call back when it's a 10. Am I right, Drew? Four. Please. You wait till you get a 10.

1:32:15 Drew Really? Only a four.

1:32:17 Adam A four?

1:32:17 Drew Sounds like it's way down the ladder.

1:32:19 Adam Can't we go ahead and figure out this stuff? Let me just make everything a 10. Let's not change it.

1:32:23 Drew No, no, no. But, Kim, here's the deal. Then, fine, get some help with this. If your school is together and you're not ready to go away to school, God knows she may break it out of college, even worse.

1:32:33 Adam And, look, there's certainly no rule that says smart people can't F up in their life.

1:32:38 Drew Oh my goodness. It happens all the time.

1:32:39 Adam They go further.

1:32:40 Drew Yeah.

1:32:41 Adam Faster, sometimes.

1:32:42 Drew Yes, yes. They put themselves... Hear about this girl that was on the Hocking Up Show on ABC. She's a gynecologist and has this nefarious past.

1:32:50 Adam What's Hocking Up?

1:32:51 Drew It's a TV show on ABC.

1:32:52 Caller Mm-mm.

1:32:54 Adam Katie?

1:32:54 Caller Yeah.

1:32:55 Adam You're 16?

1:32:56 Caller Yeah.

1:32:57 Adam I only watch modern Marvels. Go ahead, Katie. 16 and blow out. Can't get intimate with a lesbian partner?

1:33:06 Caller No, I can't.

1:33:07 Adam How old's your lesbian partner?

1:33:10 Caller Most of them, they're like a year older than me.

1:33:12 Drew Okay. Most of them, no wonder you can't get intimate. You don't have a partner.

1:33:16 Caller No, I haven't.

1:33:17 Caller I haven't been with anybody my own age or younger.

1:33:21 Drew I'm just saying most of them, meaning you have multiple partners. How can you be intimate with multiple people? You need a partner.

1:33:27 Caller No, it's not at the same time.

1:33:29 Drew I'm just saying.

1:33:30 Adam No.

1:33:31 Drew Katie.

1:33:32 Adam Katie, would you shut your pie hole for a second and just let somebody get through to you?

1:33:37 Drew What? You can't be intimate because you're not trying to be intimate. You're trying to have multiple partners, which defies intimacy. What?

1:33:46 Adam Thanks, Anderson.

1:33:48 Drew Listen, Katie, we'll have to call back tomorrow.

1:33:51 Adam Find one partner and stay with the one part.

1:33:53 Drew That's intimacy.

1:33:54 Caller I've tried to do that.

1:33:55 Drew How long were you with that person?

1:33:57 I was with them for I think about a year.

1:34:00 Adam No? No. All right.

1:34:02 Drew And what happened? Well, you must have been 13.

1:34:05 Caller No, it's been like I've been with...

1:34:09 Drew All right, this is way more time for it.

1:34:11 Adam But here's the other thing too. Then you're not ready or it's not happening.

1:34:15 Drew Right. Don't think by trying multiple times with multiple people, they're going to somehow, you're going to find intimacy. It's going to open up all of a sudden. No, it goes the other way. It's going to make it more difficult to be intimate.

1:34:25 Adam All right. We'll take a break. Be right back.

1:34:28 Caller All right, guys. Here's the deal.

1:34:30 Drew Look in the hookup, call the Dateline.

1:34:32 Caller Stick a waste in time with the wrong person, call the Dateline.

1:34:34 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:34:36 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:34:37 Caller 1-877-889.

1:34:42 Caller If you need help, call Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:35:15 Adam Yeah, well, that's it. There you go. That's the show.

1:35:18 Drew Good times.

1:35:19 Adam God bless, and we'll see you cats tomorrow night. Until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo. What a nice 53-year-old guy.

1:35:27 Drew Yeah.

1:35:28 Adam Yeah, he's got a couple of gray pubes. That's all right, baby. Keep going. Remember, I'm your spiritual leader.

1:35:34 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:35:39 Caller The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Sunday, July 17, 2005