Episode 1000723545577

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:04 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:09 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:21 Adam All right. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and a Dixon man blah blah blah. Yeah. Yeah. Get It On.

1:36 Whoo!

1:38 Adam Gotta get it on. Gonna get it on. No choice but to get it on. You know what the mandate for tonight is?

1:46 Drew Get It On.

1:47 Adam Get. No. Did you say get it on?

1:49 Drew Getting it on.

1:50 Adam Did you say get it on?

1:51 Drew I said it.

1:51 Adam Okay, then, yeah, then that's right.

1:53 Drew Yeah.

1:53 Adam Uh-huh.

1:56 Hmm.

1:57 Adam You ready to rock? What's happening? What's going on out there?

2:00 Drew What do you want to talk about?

2:01 Adam What's happening?

2:02 Drew Hmm.

2:03 Adam Eh, nothing yet. We'll talk later. All right. Are you ready?

2:08 Drew Let's go.

2:09 Laura?

2:10 Yeah.

2:11 Adam You're 23?

2:13 Caller Yes, I am.

2:13 Adam What's happening?

2:15 I was on Sericul for a while, and unbeknownst to me, it caused my breast to start lactating.

2:22 Drew That's a common side effect of psychiatric meds.

2:25 Yeah, I didn't get told that till afterwards, unfortunately.

2:28 Drew Why? Why was that so distressing to you?

2:31 My boyfriend says that it's made him not want to do anything with my breath, and it's upsetting to me a little bit.

2:39 Drew All right. The other thing you need to do is...

2:41 Adam Well, what kind of... Let me just ask you. Your man.

2:43 Drew She needs a new boyfriend, by the way.

2:44 Adam Yeah, I know. Your man, Drew. Yeah, I am.

2:47 Drew Really?

2:47 Adam Yes. Not all man, but your part man. Whenever I hear a guy, a young guy coming clean about something sexually, I never believe it, I don't trust it, you know what I mean? Like, this has made me not want to fondle your breast.

3:01 Drew Doesn't compute.

3:02 Adam Even if that's what he was thinking.

3:06 Drew I don't know where to go with it even. Is he trying to get out of this relationship? Is he just... I can't compute it.

3:12 Adam Sometimes guys just try, because I think sometimes guys just try to accumulate like bonus miles, which is...

3:20 Drew Oh, I'm putting out for you kind of thing?

3:22 Adam You know how women get PO'd when you go out and have a good time? So you come home and say you had a crappy time?

3:27 Drew Yes, this is that.

3:27 Adam So they don't get any bonus mileage? This is just... And guys start playing into this game and they just start having, oh, there's a turn off or I don't like it or I'm a victim too or whatever, so they can score points.

3:37 Drew Well, it's also a way of sort of keeping them down.

3:39 Adam Right.

3:39 Drew And keeping your partner down, so. Keep her on the defensive.

3:43 Adam Did this guy just come out and tell you he no longer feels comfortable manipulating your breasts?

3:50 Yeah, he was the one who informed me that they were lacking. I didn't know that it was going on.

3:54 Adam Thank you. Thank you for not answering my question whatsoever. Did he just come... Did you hear what I said?

4:01 Drew Yeah, it was an oblique yes.

4:02 Adam Well, would you answer it?

4:05 Caller Yeah, he just said that it made him uncomfortable.

4:07 One day he just said it.

4:09 Adam He said, I am uncomfortable fondling your breast.

4:12 Yeah, he said it scarred him, that he didn't... that he used to like breasts and now he did not anymore. Oh, he's...

4:17 Adam Okay, now if he used the word scar, either he's kidding or he's a sociopath.

4:22 I'm hoping he's kidding.

4:24 Adam All right, well, he's kidding then.

4:26 I hope so. He really stopped wanting to particularly like use his mouth on them.

4:32 Adam Well, okay, well, you say you hope he's kidding, do you have any... You don't know the difference between when your man is kidding and when he's not?

4:39 Drew You can go ahead and tell us what you think.

4:42 Adam You sounded like, okay, listen, would you get lost? I don't want to massage your brain until some truth comes out. Just answer the goddamn question.

4:52 Drew She needs some part of her body massage, Adam. It's a good little break.

4:55 Adam She's kidding. He was kidding. Well, he said he never wanted to touch me. He said he was scarred.

5:00 Caller Really?

5:02 Adam Well, he may have been kidding. You don't know if he was kidding? Well, I think he was kidding.

5:06 Drew He sure sounded like it.

5:06 Caller I don't care what we're talking about.

5:07 Drew She didn't even say it. I think he was kidding. She said, well, it sure sounded like it.

5:10 Adam Listen, here are your choices. No, Laura, you can stay on hold for 40 minutes or you can hang up right now.

5:16 Drew No, but I have something to tell her.

5:17 Adam No, no, no.

5:17 Drew I do. It's important. It's a medical. I have to tell her.

5:19 Adam I don't care. She has to stay on hold for 40 minutes. I don't want to talk to her.

5:21 Drew I don't have to talk to her. I just have to tell her.

5:23 Adam That's the same.

5:25 Drew You need to get a prolactin level that sometimes people that are prone to lactation for some of these medications do so because they have a prolact level that's actually secreting tumor in their pituitary and that needs to be treated. If your prolactin level is over 100, you may have a problem.

5:39 Adam Go to...

5:41 Caller Juan?

5:44 Adam Juan?

5:45 Caller Hello? Hello?

5:47 Adam Yeah, from the frying pan into the fire. What's happening, Juan?

5:52 Caller Well, I have a question for Dr. Drew.

5:54 Drew Yes, sir?

5:56 Caller Yes. I went to the urologist, I think it is, for a sperm count. And he sent me to this lab and everything. So I went, right, and the count came out zero.

6:10 Drew The sperm count?

6:11 Adam Zero.

6:12 Drew The sperm count?

6:14 Caller Sperm count.

6:15 Drew So you produced, you ejaculated into a cup. And they looked at your sperm, and you had a zero sperm count. Why do you think that?

6:23 Adam First off, congratulations is the first Mexican to produce no sperm. I don't know if there's another Mexican on the planet that doesn't produce sperm.

6:32 Caller Well, so the question is, what are the chances of me getting someone pregnant after that?

6:41 Drew I need to know why you have zero sperm count. What happened?

6:44 Caller Well, that's the thing. I don't know. I'm going back to the doctor to ask him that question, you know.

6:50 Adam Now, what about, I'm no specialist, but low sperm count or zero? I didn't even know there was such a thing as zero.

6:58 Drew Zero is like after a vasectomy, it's zero.

7:00 Caller Well, yeah, that was the whole idea. I was going in for a vasectomy, but hold on, hold on, Juan.

7:10 Drew Why would you be in a vasectomy if you're infertile?

7:13 Caller I'm sorry?

7:14 Adam Do you have kids?

7:16 Caller See, that's the thing. My wife says that I have one.

7:21 Adam Man, my wife tried to pull that crap, too. I was like, no way.

7:25 Drew Oh my God. Who else has kids with your wife?

7:29 Caller She has a daughter from her previous marriage. Then I'm supposed to have one with her.

7:38 Drew Who is that dad?

7:40 Caller But the woman that I was dating before her, she wanted to have a child with me or whatever. And I was like, I don't want to, not yet. And she was like, okay, I'm going to get on the field or something. And I was like, okay. So she said she did that. But after we broke up, she was like, you know what? I never did. And that was right before I went, right before I wanted to go to get a vasectomy done.

8:04 Drew Why do you want to get a vasectomy?

8:05 Adam Did you get the vasectomy done?

8:07 Caller No, I did not.

8:08 Drew This was the workup for the vasectomy.

8:11 Caller Because we have, you know, my wife has a daughter and we have a son.

8:15 Drew Alright, so.

8:16 Caller I thought it was enough, so.

8:18 Adam Okay, good.

8:19 Caller Well done.

8:21 Drew This is extraordinary on so many levels, Juan.

8:23 Adam It's intriguing. Now you say you have, now you're questioning whether that son of yours is yours?

8:30 Caller Well, that was my second question. But I did a DNA test and it came out. You know that I am not.

8:38 Drew You're not the father?

8:39 Caller Yeah.

8:40 Drew Oof.

8:41 Adam You did a DNA test. Wow.

8:43 Drew You're moving along here, Juan.

8:45 Caller I wanted to ask Dr. Drew this. I did it by mail. They sent me a kid and I did what they asked me to do there, send it back and then I call for the results and they say I am not. Is that accurate?

9:00 Drew Well, what about your son? Your son must have had to put a sample in as well, right?

9:04 Caller Yeah, he did. I'm the one who took the sample with the swab thing.

9:11 Adam What did your wife say when you were doing the swab?

9:14 Caller She doesn't know. I did it because I wanted to know before I confront her or whatever. I wanted to know if he was my son or before I said anything.

9:25 Adam I'll tell you, you probably could have saved yourself $49.95 by just getting a Q-tip and go, yeah, I got this DNA thing online. It's got to get swabbed. She would have just fessed up right there.

9:34 Drew Right. Here it comes.

9:35 Adam Do that with your kids.

9:37 Drew Perfect.

9:37 Adam Yeah, just go and bring in your wife, sing like a canary halfway into the second kid swatting.

9:42 Drew He's all in a dish, a Petri dish.

9:44 Adam You don't know. You don't know.

9:46 Drew I know one of the lab guys might have mixed some stuff in. That's the guy I want tested.

9:49 Adam Yeah, but still, at least you got a guy with a college degree. That's right. God knows what Juan has. Juan. Yes. How old is your son?

9:59 Caller He's going to be five on December.

10:01 Adam He'll be five. And now, obviously, here's what I recommend. Well, now, I want to know if your feelings changed at all for him when you got the results back from the lab.

10:13 Caller Not from, I mean, not, I feel the same way about him as my wife. I mean, now, I mean, I feel, you know, I don't know. I don't want to be with her anymore.

10:24 Adam Right. Well, now, what do you think may have happened? Were you guys broken up for a period of time before, you know?

10:31 Drew How long have you been married?

10:32 Adam He was conceived?

10:33 Caller About five years. I mean, it's going to be five years or whatever.

10:37 Adam Yeah.

10:37 Caller Well, when we got together, she got pregnant right away. So, I don't know. I mean, it could have been.

10:44 Adam So, she, right. So, she may not have.

10:46 Caller No, no, no.

10:47 I mean, yes.

10:49 Adam She may not have cheated on you. She may have, this may have been from a prior relationship before you two got together.

10:55 Caller Yeah. But the other thing, I mean, she said that when we got together, she said, well, she was married, right? So when we got together, I was asking her, I just wanted to know how was her relationship with this other guy. She was like, well, she said, I haven't been with him.

11:15 Drew But it's her husband. It's her husband. Give her a break. Give her a pass on that one.

11:20 Adam Okay.

11:21 Caller So I believe her and now we-

11:23 Adam No. Well, okay. But Juan, Juan, please listen to reason here.

11:28 Drew Keep a family together for that child. Whoever the child that you love and have raised as though you were the father, be the father.

11:34 Adam This was not-

11:35 Drew Please.

11:35 Adam This was not you guys being married for 10 years and you have a five-year-old. This is her being a previous relationship and not a one-night stand. She's married to this guy who sired this child.

11:48 Drew Probably.

11:49 Adam Hopefully. So you're- Well, she said, it's that guy. Well, hopefully. So you're basically stepdad and it's your- But I look at this kid as your kid.

11:57 Drew Yeah. Juan, I would talk to the urologist about whether or not this could be a transient problem with your sperm production or is this something you were born with, or something that's happened to you since birth. Why is this the case and is there a possibility that your sperm count could come back for some reason or it could be restored? In either case, don't assume you're infertile until you've been checked up by the urologist.

12:19 Adam And Juan, just listen. Don't start referring to the kid by his first name or calling him your stepson or anything. Just don't talk. And your kid doesn't, he's your kid.

12:30 Drew Please.

12:30 Adam Please. All right? No, all right.

12:33 Drew Okay.

12:34 Caller Juan.

12:35 Adam There you go.

12:36 Drew Please.

12:36 Adam Juan, please. Don't do anything stupid. Just, it's your kid. Okay?

12:40 Caller Yeah.

12:41 Adam Put all that crappy bravado aside and just be a man about it.

12:45 Drew He's a five year old.

12:46 Adam Yeah. This child needs a father. You're his father.

12:49 Drew You're it. You're it.

12:50 Adam Okay.

12:51 Drew He needs you.

12:51 Adam Don't punish the kid. And let me tell you, if you get into some of that crap where it's like, I'm not going to punish the kid, but I'm going to torture her, you're punishing the kid.

13:00 Drew That's right. You're creating a horrible environment for the kid.

13:03 Adam Keep that DNA result in your wallet and you just sort of use it.

13:08 Drew When you need it.

13:09 Adam Yeah, it's like a bus pass. Like, you know, it's like, she's like, I want to see that new movie, Must Like Dogs. I want to see the new Stealth Bomber movie. Well, we got the honey. See the D. Yeah. You read that?

13:22 Caller Okay.

13:24 Adam There you go. Yeah. Just flash your tan. All right. We'll be seeing that movie. Seeing the stealth movie.

13:28 Caller Here we come.

13:29 Adam You know what I mean? I just milk that thing.

13:32 Drew Of course.

13:33 Adam That's what it would be like. It would be worse something like that happening in a relationship just to go ahead and earn that baby.

13:41 Drew That is your get out of jail free.

13:43 Adam It's your handicap parking placard.

13:45 Drew Yeah.

13:45 Adam Now, no one wishes you should get hit by a bus. But you make it back on your feet. You got a little limp. Boom. For the next 40 years, you're parking front and center. Events, going to the store, the market, pow, pulling right in the front of the place. You know what I mean?

14:02 Drew Nice.

14:03 Adam You could do worse. Where are we, Drew?

14:05 Drew One.

14:06 Caller One.

14:08 Adam Tim?

14:09 Caller Yeah.

14:10 Adam You know what they need? They need grades of handicapped. Because right now, they just got, hey, you're either handicapped or you're not, and 15, 16th of the people that qualify for the handicap parking thing aren't really handicapped. But technically, within some crazy insurance criteria, the DMV criteria, they are handicapped. So you see some guy pull up in his Corvette and hop out of his car, he's wearing a tennis sweater, and he just goes walking right into the Gelsens, and it's like, that's handicapped? Well, he has a stigmatism in one eye.

14:43 Drew Basically, handicapped is he needs an assisting device to get around. That's it.

14:47 Adam Yeah.

14:47 Drew Okay.

14:48 Adam But so many people get those placards for the cars. All I'm saying is, is they got to have, and here's how the parking goes. There's handicapped 1A. I mean, 1A, you're right, you get to park in the store. You have to drive through the doors and park like in a frozen food section.

15:05 Drew Beautiful.

15:06 Adam Or you just get to drive your vehicle in the store.

15:07 Drew Just in the aisles. Perfect.

15:09 Adam Perfect. The guy with the Denali just coming down the frozen food section.

15:12 Drew You go, it'll be perfect.

15:13 Adam Yeah. You have to get a maneuverable car. Yeah. Something like that. Trunks open. You got your helper just throwing stuff in there. But as it gets further away, as you get into the guy who's in his 30s and is fine, but he's got a-

15:25 Drew We go from blue to yellow.

15:26 Adam He's got a bone spur or something. Yeah, he's parking further and further away. And so you don't feel so bad. He's closer than you can park, but he's still 100 yards from the store.

15:36 Drew If, as you say, 1516s or 15 out of 16 of people with these placards don't really warrant them, why don't we go the other way? Why don't we just start giving it to everybody? And so there's no more parking.

15:46 Adam It's every man for themselves?

15:47 Drew Well, just those two spaces and who's going to get them? Nobody. You might as well park with everybody else then.

15:54 Adam Well, I also feel like you should be able to bribe a guy with a placard like they should have vouchers. Where I say something like this, look, I've been driving around this goddamn Costco for an hour and a half, I can't find a place to park. You got the handicap placard, but it's not like you're burning a refinery fire or something, you're not moving too good. Here's 50 bucks.

16:16 Drew Oh yeah.

16:18 Adam Give me a little voucher.

16:19 Drew By the way, if you tried that, you'd have the placard in the back of your car. Oh really? Oh yeah.

16:23 Adam You got to work on that. Oh yeah. Then every once in a while, they crack down on that though.

16:28 Drew I know.

16:29 Adam Because they find some athletes over at USC or UCLA, hamming their cars and using them. All right. I'm just saying grades of plaques. I don't like to see the eight empty spaces right out front of the Home Depot.

16:42 Drew I'm just thinking about the retarder. As usual, when you institutionalize things, it never works. So you still have anybody with an assistive device. So if you have a splint on your finger, now you get a placard. But if you have heart disease, you have to be Class 3 or Class 4 heart failure.

16:57 Adam Oh really?

16:57 Drew If you're having angina, I mean you're right to have a heart attack and out of your car. Well, I'm sorry, it's not for you. You go ahead and have a heart attack.

17:03 Adam Wow.

17:04 Drew But heart failure, if you're short of breath, well, we'll get something going.

17:07 Adam It's assistive device, you mean really, it's not crutches or walker?

17:10 Drew As I remember, it's a little vague.

17:12 Adam A little vague. Keep one of those in the car. Tim?

17:17 Yeah.

17:17 Adam You're 14?

17:18 Caller Yeah.

17:19 Adam What's up?

17:21 Caller Well, let me explain a little bit of act history. I've had sex with two different girls in my life.

17:26 Drew 14?

17:28 Caller Yeah.

17:28 Adam All right.

17:29 Drew Really?

17:31 Caller And each time, the first girl, I found out after we had sex that she had been abused when she was a child by her father. And then also my girlfriend. She had all my girlfriend, the girl I had sex with. And then my girlfriend, I found out in the relationship that she had also been abused. And then a lot of times, girls that I start going out with, I like to find out from their friends or from them that they've been abused and come in and give me a hug.

17:59 Drew Here's one of the things that strikes me about your selection there. At 14, you're choosing 14 year olds who are willing to have sex with you?

18:06 Adam They've been abused.

18:06 Drew They've been abused. That's basically what you're selecting.

18:09 Caller Girls have been willing or both girls, one was 16 and then one was 18.

18:17 Drew But then again, willing to be with a 14 year old.

18:21 Adam 18 with a 14 year old, that's just to effed up.

18:24 Drew Yeah. That's what you're selecting there, I think. You may or may not in your real life when you actually are of an age when you should be doing this stuff, may or may not be attracted to women who are abuse survivors. But right now, you're just interested in people that are willing to have sex with you.

18:38 Adam Also, it depends where you're going to change. Where you're going to junior high and where you're going to high school. There's probably certain parts of the country and certain parts of this city for sure.

18:48 Drew Los Angeles.

18:49 Adam Yeah, the high school's got to be under general umbrella of have you ever been abused? Probably running about 80% for the love of Christ.

19:01 Drew Do you mean sexually abused, Tim, or any kind of abuse?

19:04 Caller No, my girlfriend, she was sexually abused and then the other girl I knew, I kind of wish she was abused.

19:10 Drew Physically abused, you mean?

19:11 Caller I don't know. All I knew was she was abused. I knew her for about like...

19:15 Drew He doesn't sweat the details.

19:16 Adam Yeah.

19:16 Drew Just, yeah.

19:17 Adam Abused, okay. Yeah. All right, so listen, Tim, don't get anyone pregnant. Slow it down, buddy.

19:23 Drew 14.

19:24 Adam Reel it in.

19:25 Drew Who? Let's break it down.

19:26 Adam Let's go, let's break it down.

19:27 Come on, get a hand in.

19:28 Adam You know what I'm saying?

19:29 Drew What sports do you play, Tim?

19:30 Adam Come on. Hey, let me say this too, gentlemen, and I use that term loosely. Helmet, not a chair. Grab a knee, let's go. It's not a chair.

19:38 Drew Tim, do you play any sports? No.

19:40 Adam No, he doesn't. He's getting laid.

19:42 Drew That's his game. He needs to put some energy to something else.

19:45 Adam Yeesh. The Tiger Woods of humping.

19:47 Drew See the dark t-shirt brooding guy? Ask him.

19:52 Adam You know, this whole jock thing, getting laid, is way, way overblown.

19:57 Drew That's why I'm sending him that direction. He needs to put some energy into sports.

20:00 Adam Tim, what guy are you?

20:02 Caller I'm just really funny. I mean, that's really the only thing I got going for me.

20:05 Drew Oh yeah, Adam found that was very fruitful when he was in high school. Very, very effective.

20:12 Adam Yeah. Do you have one of those teenage blonde moustaches?

20:15 Drew I just got bogus call over there by the way. I know.

20:17 Adam Yeah. No. All right. You just got bogus, huh?

20:20 Drew That last comment.

20:21 Adam By him being funny?

20:22 Drew Being attractive.

20:24 Adam Well, he said he was attractive.

20:25 Drew I think that's what he said. That's what he said?

20:28 Adam The thing, I said something, or maybe that was attractive. Look, let me tell you a couple of things about guys getting late and I suspect this may be Tim's situation. We're picturing Lindsay Lohan.

20:41 Drew That he's having sex with.

20:42 Adam Yeah. You know what I mean? There are plenty of high school chicks that are trainwrecks, and if you want to dip, if you want to take that ladle and go ahead and scrape the bottom of the-

20:56 Drew That's nice. I just love when humanity gets distilled down to that.

21:00 Adam Well-

21:00 Drew Just the bottom of a lentil soup container. Yeah.

21:03 Adam You know that stuff that gets a little dried up?

21:04 Drew The crust. Yeah, the crust. It's been sitting out all afternoon.

21:06 Adam Yeah, you're over at the Shakey's.

21:08 Drew Yeah, it's like chili that's left around for that.

21:09 Adam Yeah, it's been sitting in the crock pot too long. The good stuff has been skimmed off the top. You're willing to get some of that crusty stuff along the bottom. You'll get your chili. Oh yeah, you'll get your chili. I mean, I'm thinking about it now. I probably could have got laid in high school. There was a chick who liked me when I was in the 10th grade, but her dad was such a prick. Her dad was-

21:36 Drew Chilidenka?

21:37 Adam No, that's Esty. That was my old girlfriend when I was in the 7th grade.

21:41 Drew Her dad was scary.

21:43 Adam Her dad was like a part of these Rayleigh Mafia or something. Scared the crap out of me. No, this guy wasn't scary, he was an a-hole. This guy taught plastics.

21:54 Drew Oh, I remember this.

21:55 Adam He's on with it. In junior high.

21:57 Drew Yeah, he's like a wood shop type guy.

21:59 Adam Mr. Mallon, jackass. This guy's one of those just bitter shop teachers. I don't know how we did it, but every shop teacher and every PE teacher at my high school hated children. Here's the thing, you're going to teach plastics to a bunch of 13-year-olds. Great, I hate plastics and I hate kids. Bring it on. Fantastic, bring it on. I remember this guy, well, first off, it's a couple of things. You go into these classes charged like, you know, I'm going to make a kayak. That's going to be awesome. I'm going to make a kayak and I'm going to shoot the rapids with it. You don't realize that that's semester 13, you're going to be working on a simulated marble pen set for the next six months.

22:40 Drew Oh, yeah.

22:40 Adam And I knew this guy was a colossal a-hole because it had that shop sink. You know, there's old deep funky shop sinks. And in one of the shop sinks, one of the things, you know, one of the hand washing things, one of the spigots was converted to a drinking fountain. And here was his policy. You see that drinking fountain over there, people? I don't want to see anyone near it. When you come into this class, you come in and you sit down promptly. When it's time to go to work, we go to work. When it's time to clean up, we clean up and when the bell rings, we leave. I don't need to see anybody. And I thought, you a-hole. There's no using the drinking fountain, which is at nine feet away from where I'm sitting. And I just thought, what a prick. I thought, what? This is our first day?

23:24 Caller Yeah.

23:26 Adam The teacher in the LA Unified School District, I used to go to Walter Reed's. The shop teachers and the PE teachers hated the kids' guts. I mean, they just hated them.

23:37 Drew What was the daughter like?

23:39 Adam She was okay. There was nothing wrong with her. She had a crush on me, but I heard dad was such a colossal a-hole. I just thought to myself, every time I looked at her, I just saw that big fat face and big drunken red gin blossom nose and a shot glass is going, don't use the drinking fountain. I couldn't get near, rather ask my own sister.

24:02 Drew Which?

24:03 Adam Yeah. Yeah. So, the poor girl like me, I never told her it was a horrible dad that made me a-

24:12 Drew She knows now.

24:16 Adam Hopefully, he's in the ground. I know it sounds cruel. I don't mean dad, I just mean actually in the ground.

24:23 Drew Just like a turnip or something. Just kind of half-dead.

24:24 Adam Just head in the ground, growing like an onion. His teeth should fall out and hair should grow in their place. His head should grow in the ground like an onion. All right, Drew, let's take a break. Let me just hear Ashley's voice for a second. Ashley.

24:38 Caller Hello.

24:39 Ooh.

24:41 Adam Say the- The alphabet. No, no, I like to hear more jello please.

24:44 Caller I want to ride the pony, daddy.

24:46 Adam Well, that's a good one too. All right, let's hear that one.

24:49 Caller I want to ride the pony, daddy.

24:51 Adam Oh, that's solid. But how about a very enthusiastic, more jello please.

25:02 Drew All right, hold on, hold on. There we go.

25:04 Adam All right. We'll take a little break, then we'll be back to deconstruct Ashley after this.

25:11 Loveline, we'll be right back.

25:16 Caller Loveline is brought to you by the American Legacy Foundation. It's free, it's informative, it's powerful, it's truth.

25:47 Adam Get it on, everybody. It's Loveline. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. 311 is going to be in here a little bit later this week. I haven't talked to those guys in a little while. How long has it been?

26:03 Drew Didn't he come in and get loaded last time he was in here? Yeah, he got wasted. That was about nine months ago, I bet. Maybe a year.

26:10 Adam From 311?

26:11 Drew Yeah.

26:11 Adam Who came in?

26:13 Drew Anderson, help me.

26:14 Adam Who came in?

26:14 Drew I forget his name. Nick?

26:16 Adam Nick Hexham?

26:17 Drew Yeah, Nick.

26:18 Adam He got loaded?

26:19 Drew He came here and got wasted.

26:20 He was talking about oral sex.

26:21 Drew Yeah, he got completely-

26:22 Adam Smoking weed?

26:23 Drew No, no, it was alcohol. Alcohol? He came in loaded and just completely went all the way down. But he's a happy drunk. He was one of these gregarious types.

26:30 Adam No, I like that.

26:30 Drew He was appropriately ashamed and embarrassed afterwards. But he was fine. Good times.

26:34 Adam Well, he's back. All right. Let's keep on keeping on and speak to Ashley, who's 17.

26:43 Ashley?

26:44 Caller Yes.

26:45 Adam More gentle. Now, you have that little girl voice.

26:48 Caller I know. It's a shame, but I have to deal with it.

26:54 Adam Are you small in stature?

26:56 Caller Yeah. I'm actually 5'2.

26:59 Caller Whoa.

27:00 Caller I'm really short.

27:02 Adam How much do you weigh?

27:04 Caller Huh?

27:05 Adam How much do you weigh?

27:06 Caller I weigh like 113.

27:08 Adam 113.

27:10 Caller Yeah.

27:10 Caller But the bad thing about being short is I have 36 Zs. So I'm short and big boobs.

27:19 Adam Yeah. But the 36 parts should be a 34. Maybe step up to 34 D. Yeah.

27:27 Caller Well, yeah. I can weigh that too.

27:29 Adam Oh, you can. All right. Let's go ahead and do that. Like I could wear a 36 waist, but I stuff myself into a 34 so I can say I got a 34. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I'm chafing and I have to unbutton my pants when I sit down. But it's worth it to say I wear 34. You need to do the opposite with the bra. You understand how that works? Yeah. Hold on. Drew, is there no 35 pants because I am-

27:56 Drew I used to be able to find 33s but I cannot find 35.

27:59 Adam For the last 11 years of my life, I have been a little tight on a 34, a little 36, a little big.

28:07 Drew Same here.

28:09 Adam Also emotionally not wanting to step up to the 36. Now, 35 would work.

28:13 Drew But here's what drives you totally out of your mind, is that 34 in one pair of pants is totally different.

28:18 Adam Run small.

28:19 Drew Oh, my God.

28:20 Adam Run small. Oh. Oh, those.

28:23 Drew I'm going to put a 34. I think I need a 42. Well. It's like, what?

28:26 Adam Yeah. No, the cap. No, the gap khakis run really small. Really small. Okay. That's fantastic. Oh, yeah. The Nike 11 is like a Reebok 10.5. Yeah. Yeah, that makes part. Don't want to standardize that, so we could just effing figure out what was going on. There's a word.

28:43 Drew There's a word.

28:44 Adam How about when you go to a steakhouse and you're like, they're like, you're like, yeah, I'll have the T-bone. No, I have the ribeye. I have the ribeye. Okay. How would you like that? Medium's good. Okay. Our medium is like other people's, everyone else's medium. Our medium is like other people's medium rare. So now you got to do the math.

29:04 Drew Yes.

29:04 Adam Okay. So I'd like it medium, but your medium is really a medium rare. So give it to me. Well, medium, medium well will get me, you know, it's like-

29:15 Drew In the category with our policy is.

29:17 Yes.

29:19 Adam You know that part where you start saying everyone else's and ours is, just go ahead and sync up. Would you please? That's, you're staking your claim as a steakhouse by having, our policies, our cooking methods are different or we're confusing. It's like stay for the steak, come back for the confusion. Oh, that 34? No, they run small. I used to do that all the time. I'd get a jacket from a stupid wardrobe guy and I'd be like, how many times I got to tell you I'm a 44 long, I can't move in it. That is a 34 long. I can barely move, my hands hang and I look like-

29:54 Drew You know what happens? It gets you stuck. You get stuck in a brand like I'm not leaving this brand ever because it just fits.

29:58 Adam I look like Pee Wee Herman in this jacket. They're like, oh, well, that designer runs really small. I want to just strangle everybody. Look, here's the deal. When you go to a gas station, you don't go like, normally my car holds 18 gallons, but I got 23 gallons. We run really small. We have a different gallon system. Our gallons, we're like 80 ounces. It's not even a- Just sync it up.

30:26 Caller Thank you.

30:27 Adam Rare means rare, medium means medium, 44 long is 44 long.

30:31 Drew Now, what does our 34 or 36 person, Ashley, want to tell us?

30:35 Adam Yeah, I work that out.

30:36 Caller There we go.

30:36 Adam I could really use some 35s. Actually, I'll tell you what I could use. I could use some 36s with a 34 label.

30:43 Drew Yeah.

30:44 Adam That's what I need. That's what I want to start making. I'm telling you, I could make money with those pants. Ashley?

30:52 Drew All right. So what's the question?

30:53 Caller All right. I have to give you a little bit of a background first. When I was about six years old, I walked in on my mom cheating on my father.

31:03 Drew That's six.

31:04 Caller Yes.

31:05 Drew Interesting. How did that affect you?

31:08 Caller I was pretty traumatized by it. I kept to myself very often.

31:15 Drew Did your mom know that you cheated?

31:17 Caller Yeah. I was born in 1987, and my parents were 19 when they got pregnant with me. They started to do drugs and stuff.

31:31 Drew All right. Well, this is where the little boy, forget your small stature, this is where the little girl voice comes from.

31:36 Caller Yeah.

31:36 Drew You sound like you're four.

31:39 Caller I try.

31:40 Adam What else?

31:41 Caller I will not try to sound four, but.

31:43 Adam Are you virgin?

31:44 Yes.

31:46 Adam All right.

31:47 Drew Except for the sexual abuse.

31:49 Adam Who abused you? Everyone abuse you sexually?

31:52 Caller I think so.

31:53 Drew Otherwise, a virgin. Otherwise.

31:55 Adam Yeah.

31:55 Drew Otherwise, no.

31:56 Adam All right.

31:56 Drew Well, Drew. How dare you?

31:57 Adam Yeah, but Drew, I'm just I'm just I'm just saying it's not cruel. I wish you were crueler.

32:02 Drew No, I disagree. I wish people would just sort of belly up. Well, of course, you disagree. I am a virgin.

32:06 Adam Call you cruel.

32:07 Drew And now that you bring that up, you know, there is an issue here.

32:11 Adam Well, if someone was raped or sexually abused as a youth, I think I could go ahead and call them a virgin.

32:16 Drew Yes, but it's deceptive to then go and make us go around a couple more times. I'm not saying it actually, but our callers do this all the time.

32:23 Adam Look, I hate our callers as much as you do, but even on that one, I'm not going with you. All right. So anyway, who sexually abused you?

32:34 Caller Actually, when my mom got remarried for a while, my stepdad had a roommate living with us.

32:41 Caller Cruel.

32:42 Adam Yeah.

32:43 Caller So he-

32:44 Drew Stepdad had a roommate?

32:46 Caller Uh-oh.

32:47 Drew What was your stepdad like?

32:51 Caller He was all right.

32:53 Drew He was a drug addict too, though, right?

32:55 Caller No.

32:56 Drew Your mom got into drugs and then married somebody who wasn't into drugs?

33:00 Caller Well, I'm not sure if he didn't seem like it. The whole purpose for her cheating was because of the drugs to get more drugs.

33:08 Drew Of course.

33:08 Adam Right. Okay. And so, yeah.

33:11 Caller And so a couple of months ago, my stepmom left my dad. And then my dad started...

33:18 Drew Stepmom.

33:18 Adam Stepmom?

33:19 Caller Yeah.

33:20 Adam Okay. I didn't hear about her.

33:22 Drew We're going to pencil this in.

33:23 Adam Right.

33:24 Drew She was awful.

33:25 Adam All right.

33:25 Caller Yeah. She had a daughter the same age as I was. So there was always competition and I was treated horrible. I was always second best and...

33:34 Drew Cinderella? Oh, no. It's Ashley. It's Ashley.

33:36 Adam Let me just say this. I'm sure my sister would make the same claims. There is not a woman alive that grew up with a biological girl that was about her same age and had a stepmom that didn't believe that she was, you know, crazy second banana to the biological.

33:55 Drew It's Cinderella.

33:55 Adam And that's all it is. And part of it may be true, but the other part is just what they feel like.

34:03 Drew What they feel like is that they're cleaning up the ashes in the fireplace and everyone else looking at this goes, hey, this is great. They're being treated the same. Everyone else like, hey, good job.

34:13 Adam Oh, Tammy could do no wrong, but I was just abused. I mean, that is a trait that is much more specific to the feminine side.

34:24 Drew But that's why a fairy tale like Cinderella is eternal. It just didn't really relate.

34:29 Adam All right, so now what's the problem?

34:33 Caller Well, now my parents are back together, my biological parents, and everything's fine with that. But I had been having some problems with committing to guys. And they would say, like, they like me and care about me. And I had been going out with this one guy for five and a half months. And he eventually told me he loved me. And then he was being dishonest, so I broke up with him. And it seems like every time a guy tells me that he likes me or anything more, I freak out. I just...

35:08 Drew Does that make sense, right, given your past, though, right? The vulnerability that you associate with close relationships.

35:13 Caller Right. So I mean, everything that I've depended on has never really been there except for my father. So I look up to my father a lot.

35:22 Yeah.

35:23 Adam All right, Ashley. You, your family is a disaster. It's nice that they've cleaned up and got themselves out of the drainage ditch and back on the road, but they're still driving a Vega. Right. You need to... You're smart, you're capable, you're short, so that makes you smart. Shorter people are smarter.

35:46 Drew That's right. Interesting.

35:47 Adam I'm just saying, if you had somebody take an IQ test.

36:20 The genius, genius, genius, genius, genius.

36:22 Adam Genius, genius, genius. She is sharp as one of those balls you roll around on in yoga class when you're trying to get your back straightened out.

36:29 Caller Zaka Wetmines.

36:30 Yeah.

36:31 Adam All right. Ashley. Okay. You need to get your grades good, hang around in school. Don't worry about the guy thing. The guy thing is going to straighten itself out.

36:44 Caller Well, yeah. That's not my question yet.

36:46 Drew What's your question? What is your question?

36:47 Caller I finally found someone who I'm comfortable with, and we're not dating or anything. He's my best friend. Well, not best friend, but my really good friend, and I'm very interested in him, and I don't feel scared to have that commitment to take that step into a relationship and let it evolve. And I was curious as to how I may go about telling him.

37:13 Adam Well, how long have you guys been friends?

37:15 Caller How long? For like, well, freshman year, we were really good friends, and then he left to go.

37:23 Adam All right.

37:24 Drew He's not into her. That's the problem or something. Something wrong with him.

37:29 Adam Once in a while, you run into a guy who's very shy, who just can't express himself. Once in a while. Once in a while.

37:37 Drew You still kind of know it if you're Ashley.

37:39 Adam You do.

37:40 Drew Yeah.

37:41 Adam Although, if you're a little bit effed up, and your self-esteem has been undermined.

37:45 Drew Let's add the score of the reason she is willing to get into it with this guy, because he's not available.

37:51 Adam Okay. On the other hand, you might as well give it a shot.

37:54 Drew Yeah. No harm in just telling him.

37:56 Adam Be prepared for an answer you don't want to hear though.

37:59 Drew Well, right now, if you throw up on the door and he has the slightest bit of interest, he will leap through.

38:06 Adam Yes. There's no such thing as a guy telling a girl, he's attracted to and interested in when he's single, look, right now, I just got over.

38:17 Drew No.

38:18 Adam You know, work, you know, work, you know, I just, you know.

38:23 Drew Whatever that is.

38:23 Adam I'm working. Okay.

38:24 Drew Here's what you need to hear. I'm not into you. I'm not into you.

38:27 Adam I'm going to school, okay? I've got a full course load.

38:31 Drew I've got to focus on my grades.

38:32 Adam I've got to focus. When a guy's into you, there is nothing. Because when you're 20 years old, when you're 17 years old, when you're 15 years old, as a guy, when you're 28 years old, if you're into a chick you're in.

38:46 Drew It's literally like saying, see that freight train moving down the tracks? There's all kinds of reasons it might stop. No, no. It's going down the tracks. It's going.

38:53 Adam It's going.

38:54 Drew It's coming.

38:54 Adam And everything else can just be damned. And who says you can't have a job in a chick? I'm going to go on a limb here, but most of the presidents have old ladies. And they give that speech about not being able to do it without the support and the love and the whatever of this dyke who's sitting behind me. He looks about 100 years older than I am. That's the subtext at least. The point is, is if the president can make time for the old lady, I think this guy working at the Kinkos can find a few weekends for you. Right now, my career, or this one too, I just got out of a two year relationship and that was just four months ago.

39:41 Drew That's BS.

39:42 Adam Two years with the same chick, from 17 to 19, you're looking to pounce on some new punta. That's all you've been thinking about for the last year and a half of the relationship you're in for two years. Please, you show me a hot chick who comes into one of these guys' lives. I'll show you guys willing to drop everything and just jump on it. So, he's being nice. That's fine. Guys don't have the way vows to say, look, I'm not attracted to you or just whatever. That's fine. They're being nice. It's their job. It's like any other relation. You know what it's like? It's like when you ask somebody out, they don't want to go. It's like when you invite them over to your house. Hey, we're having a little gathering on Saturday. Some of the folks are coming over like you come by casual bar. Geez, Saturday is pretty tight.

40:28 Drew I'd love to come.

40:29 Adam Well, what do you got going Saturday? Well, I just had some previous plans. Well, during the day, because this thing's, they're nicely saying they don't want to go. You want to coax it out of them that they just don't like you that much?

40:42 Drew Right.

40:42 Adam It's the same rules.

40:43 Drew Right.

40:44 Adam It's the same rules for everything. It's the same rules when you apply for a job. It's the same rules when you ask someone out. Same rules for the dinner party. When someone's like, you know, right now, we're just not hiring, but you go ahead and keep your resume on file and we'll call. When are you going to call? They're not interested. Please, everybody. That's how you know. Not by what's coming out of their mouth.

41:06 Drew Their action.

41:07 Adam By where you're going when you're done talking.

41:09 Drew Right.

41:09 Adam Are you going to walk out in the parking lot, get in your car and drive away from that business? Are you not coming over to their house for the weekend barbecue? Are you two not going out this weekend to see a movie? That's all you need to pay attention to in any facet of life. Thank you, Drew.

41:24 Drew You either got the job or you ain't.

41:26 Adam Right. All right, Drew. I'll tell you one thing we're going to do. We're going to take a whiz. Cool. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Heat things up with new Durex warming condoms. There's sex, and then there's Durex.

41:58 Caller Hello, can I ask you a few questions about the apartment you have on Park Street?

42:01 Caller What was your name?

42:02 Caller My name is Juan Hernandez.

42:03 Caller It's been rented.

42:04 Caller Oh, he's gone?

42:06 Caller Hello.

42:06 Caller Hello, my name is Sanjay Kumar. I'm calling about the apartment on Park Street.

42:10 Caller It's not available. It's not available, but I just now saw it in the paper. May I help you?

42:16 Caller Hi, my name is Tyrone Washington. I'm calling about a place to rent on.

42:42 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. It's Loveline. Madam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191.

42:51 Drew No, no, no. I'm talking to Rachel. Rachel, come on.

42:53 Adam Come on, I want to talk.

42:54 Drew I've lost her twice.

42:55 Adam What do you mean you lost her twice?

42:56 Drew She's dropped off the phone a couple of times.

42:58 Adam Well, TS. Smelliette. Brittany.

43:02 Drew Smelliette.

43:03 Adam Let's do it to TS.

43:04 Drew TS. Elliotte. TS. Smelliette. Oh, my God.

43:08 Adam Brittany.

43:09 Caller Yes.

43:11 Adam What's up, baby doll?

43:12 Caller Hey, what's up?

43:14 Adam Yeah.

43:15 Caller Dude.

43:15 Adam You know why I wanted to talk to her? Because she's a surfer chick. And I was explaining to people today that surfers are almost retarded if not fully retarded.

43:27 Drew Yeah.

43:27 Adam No, let me tell you-

43:29 Drew This makes a convincing argument against that, Adam. Take it all back. Take it all back.

43:33 Adam All right. Touche. No. Here's why surfers are retarded.

43:37 Drew Well, if the sun does something bad to them, the salt does something bad to them.

43:40 Adam Well, salt water, I think, I think, I think it's like some sort of brine. It gets in the brain and creates a brain brine.

43:45 Drew Right.

43:45 Adam And it ruins their brain. They have brain cells. But here's the reality with surfing. If you're into surfing, you're into it early and you're into it often. And that means you ain't dropping it, you ain't cutting high school classes to go surfing. You're cutting seventh and eighth grade to go surfing. So when the swells up, you're surfing. And there's no time to surf and go to school or surf and work or anything. You surf. You spend eight hours a day out in the water. And you know who's to your left and to your right?

44:15 Drew Other guys.

44:16 Adam Other surfers. And it's a culture that cares about nothing but surfing. So it's not like, hey, man, do you hear what's going on in Iraq? No, it's nothing but surfing.

44:27 Drew Well, it's really what's going on on your little beach. Right. Where the girls are walking through. It's almost primitive.

44:34 Adam All right. So zero education. I mean, just dropping out of school about the seventh grade, essentially a little back and forth, but cutting and not ever completely soaking in this, in this chemical filled salty stew all day that is atrophied their brains, hanging out with like minded retards and never caring about anything on land. Basically, they have no land based interests except for getting back into the water.

45:00 Drew Not unless there's sand underneath you.

45:02 Caller You know a culture invented the surf.

45:05 Adam Which culture invented the surf?

45:06 Drew Hawaii.

45:07 Adam I know. I just didn't want to say it because they yelled at me last time I called them stupid. Maybe that's the genesis of the trouble over there. Anyway, the point is, now you weave weed into the equation. Copious amounts of weed and that's it. Yeah. That's it. You might as well put the kid on life support. So here's the thing. It becomes a way of life. So if my kid gets into surfing and it's like, I'm into surfing and I just can't help it, and it gets into their blood and then that's it. That's their life. Here's my thing. First off, don't worry about cutting school, son. We're dropping out of school. I'm going to get you a tutor who's going to be on a longboard behind you while you're surfing, actually reading Moby Dick to you.

45:54 Drew Interesting.

45:54 Adam And we're going for the pro-amp circuit. Yeah. Let's go. What's going on? You're 13.

45:59 Drew You should be turning pro.

46:01 Adam Like, yeah. Your life is good. You're going to make a buck one way or the other. If you're going to go surfing, let's do it full time.

46:07 Drew Yeah. You're right.

46:09 Adam All right. Brittany?

46:10 Caller Yeah.

46:11 Adam Yeah, baby.

46:15 Caller What's up?

46:16 Adam What's up? Yeah. And here's the other thing that never makes sense. Surfers look great with their shirts off. The chicks are hot. The guys are hot. They get copious amounts of tail because there's just a bunch of other good looking people with their shirts off who have their brains swollen by saltwater who have no education or are high. So it just becomes an F-fest. And the joke's on us because they don't even know what the hell's going on in the Middle East. They don't care. They're surfing and effing.

46:43 Drew And effing surfing.

46:44 Adam And effing surfing. Brittany?

46:48 Drew Yeah.

46:50 Adam All right. I need you to name one airplane from World War II.

46:58 Caller All right.

47:01 Drew Spicoli's actually behind her.

47:03 Caller We're going to think.

47:04 Adam All right. Who were the bad guys in World War II?

47:07 Caller The bad guys in World War II? Japan.

47:11 Drew All right.

47:12 Caller So Pearl Harbor and all that crap is happening. And Hawaii got bombed too. Yes.

47:20 Adam Sure. I know. The motherland.

47:23 Drew Pearl Harbor and Hawaii, Adam.

47:24 Adam Yeah.

47:24 Drew And Hawaii.

47:25 Adam Yeah. Pearl Harbor and Hawaii got hit pretty good. Thank God they missed the pipeline and the North Shore. All right.

47:35 Caller Yeah.

47:35 Adam They just bombed around at Diamondhead where all those Hallies just go out on their zippy boards. All right. Hold on a second, Brittany. Oh, I really do think the only reason she knows about Japan's involvement in World War II is that they went and bombed a good surf spot.

47:51 Caller Yeah.

47:52 Caller Oh, yeah.

47:54 Adam Like if they'd hit Malibu, she'd know about it.

47:56 Caller Sure.

47:57 Adam Yeah. All right. Hang on, Brittany. Don't go anywhere because you sound hot. I want to hear what you have to say. We'll take a quick break. Oh, 32 double V's up here on Amber 18. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Get it on. It's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew.

49:16 Drew Finish up with Brittany. Come on.

49:18 Adam Brittany, yeah. Brittany.

49:19 Drew You haven't heard her question yet.

49:20 Adam Little surfer girl. What's going on, Brittany?

49:24 Caller What's up?

49:25 Adam What's up? Yeah.

49:26 Drew So what is your question?

49:29 Caller Me and my friend Tricia wanted to know, because we go surfing all the time, and we always chill in our wetsuits for a long time. We're just wondering if you can get a yeast infection from that.

49:38 Drew A vaginal yeast infection? Yeah. Yeah. More you're likely to get yeast infection, chafing in the folds of your skin, that sort of thing, and yeast-like moisture.

49:49 Adam So what do you wear under your wetsuit?

49:52 Caller I don't wear any bottoms under my wetsuit because I don't like to, but I wear a top. That's it.

49:57 Adam Why a top?

49:59 Caller Just because I take it off halfway once I get out of the water.

50:02 Adam Right. Do that fold down thing.

50:04 Caller Yeah.

50:04 Adam Nothing hotter than seeing that chick change out of the thing, but they do it so well. What I mean is like you do that thing where the one chick holds the towel up and the other chick. First off, there's no such thing as that with a guy because no such thing as a teenage guy who wouldn't drop the towel.

50:20 Drew Immediately. At the most, in opportunity.

50:21 Adam Nuts were hanging out. Of course. It would immediately pull the towel away and then push the guy over when his shorts were down.

50:27 Drew In fact, my sons are in age now where they're getting into that stuff and they were at a sleepover with two other guys. They had to step till five in the morning, hypervigilant, fearful to go to sleep because their buddies would F with them if they went to sleep.

50:39 Adam Oh, yeah.

50:39 Drew They put the whipped cream in their hand, the collosions.

50:42 Adam Yeah.

50:43 Drew At five in the morning, stayed away from the public.

50:46 Adam We drove home naked from some place once when I was in high school. I think it may have been from the beach. We just, we just, everyone got, all the guys got naked and we just drove.

50:56 Drew You're gay.

50:57 Adam And it was, yeah.

50:59 Drew Yeah.

50:59 Adam A lot of stuff we did that could be construed as gay, I'll be honest with you. It was at night, though. We were driving home to some party, everyone was naked, and somehow we convinced one of the guys to run out, we were at a stoplight on Ventura Boulevard.

51:11 Drew To run around the car.

51:12 Adam No, just run out and go push the button, because you know the signals that we never changed when you were younger? Run out and push the button. He ran out and pushed the button, we took off. He was just standing on Ventura and like Kester, just naked.

51:24 Caller Of course.

51:26 Drew Your point.

51:27 Adam Yeah, I know. Women don't have that gene. You know, they can trust, they don't do anything fun, but if they do, they can trust their friends to back them up, but not have with them.

51:40 Drew Not with guys.

51:42 Adam Does not exist with guys.

51:45 Drew What I understand is why the guy would trust you enough to get out of the car. Well, because you kicked his ass and we didn't.

51:50 Adam We were surprised. We were very surprised that he did. So, Brittany.

51:54 Caller Yeah.

51:55 Adam Yeah, you never got any yeast from this?

51:57 Caller No. We were just wondering, because we've heard from random people and stuff, like that you could get like a yeast infection and we're just like.

52:04 Drew I don't think you'll be that big. I'm much more worried about your skin getting yeast in the skin, not so much.

52:10 Caller Can you get yeast infection, too?

52:12 Drew Sure. But that's what jock itch is. It's a fungal infection. That's basically what jock itch is.

52:16 Caller What would it do to your skin? Like what would the infection be?

52:19 Drew It just turns red and irritated.

52:21 Caller Would it itch?

52:22 Drew Sometimes.

52:25 Caller Okay.

52:27 Adam Where do you go surfing?

52:29 Caller Encinitas, Carlsbad, Tamarack, like over there, Stone Steps, Lucadia, around there.

52:35 Adam All right. Where do you got going? You going to high school?

52:39 Caller Yeah. I just graduated actually.

52:42 Drew What happens next year?

52:43 Adam Huh?

52:44 Drew Where are you going next year?

52:45 Adam Well, it starts with two years.

52:46 Caller I want to go to Grossmont College or like Palomar or something. I want to go to Scripps University. I want to go to college for a two year student and transfer to Scripps. I don't know if that will work out too.

53:00 Adam Junior college.

53:01 Caller Yeah. I don't really like school at all, but I want to work with marine animals or something.

53:07 Adam I know. That's the whole thing. You want to work with otters, but you don't want to go to school. You know what junior college, they should all have, anyone within 20 miles of the coast, you just have a huge sign that says like welcome surfers. Mahalo. Oh, yeah. Just come on down.

53:23 Drew It's a good one.

53:23 Adam Yeah.

53:24 Drew That's a great marketing plan for junior college.

53:26 Adam Yeah. They should actually have one of those things that beach resorts have where you rinse your feet.

53:31 Drew Yeah.

53:31 Adam Before you come into the main hall.

53:33 Drew Sure.

53:33 Adam There's a little mini shower thing. You stay in there. You get a nice rinse off. You don't track it into the hall.

53:38 Drew There's mahalo everywhere. The bathrooms will be wahinis.

53:42 Adam Yeah. Yeah. It'll be awesome. Get your Gatorade at the snack shack in a pineapple. You're awesome. You just hear that steel guitar going in the background.

53:53 Drew You'd be the best, most popular junior college in the state.

53:56 Adam I'm telling you, you make a surfer-friendly junior college and every class is packed.

54:03 Drew Just the music and the labels on things need to be Hawaiian. That's it.

54:08 Adam Yeah. It's got a whole Polynesian theme. It's like an Elvis movie. All right. I would like to one day break down the populous of a junior college, find out the amount of surfers in a junior college as opposed to Ivy League. Some of the people. Drew, during your days over at Dartmouth or wherever the hell you want, over when you were at Lord Jeff, how many over at Amherst, how many folks talked about surfing, had surf rack on the car?

54:38 Drew Let me see.

54:40 Caller Zero.

54:44 Adam What about Amber? She got the big jugs over here.

54:46 Drew All right.

54:47 Adam All right. You want to talk to Rachel?

54:48 Drew We'll talk to Amber first. Go ahead.

54:49 Adam Let's talk to Rachel. Rachel.

54:52 Caller Hi.

54:53 Caller Hi.

54:53 Caller Thanks for taking my call.

54:54 Caller Sure.

54:55 Drew See, Adam, you feel bad now?

54:57 Caller No.

54:58 Adam What's up?

54:59 Caller Well, first of all, I have a question about myself, and then I have a question about something that I heard Drew talking about.

55:08 Drew Okay.

55:08 Caller Go ahead. The question about myself is I went to the doctor to get checkup and stuff, and they told me I had a high-risk HPV.

55:17 Drew Okay.

55:17 Caller This is about eight months ago.

55:19 Drew Okay.

55:20 Caller And so they basically didn't explain it to me a whole lot, but they told me that the low-risk types give you the genital warts.

55:31 Drew Right.

55:31 Caller I don't know if the high-risk types do, because I already went for a biopsy, and I had pre-cancer cells, and then I had the cryo treatments.

55:41 Drew Cryo, yeah. Well, here's the deal with the high-risk. It's not so much about whether it does or does not cause warts, it's that it does predispose to cancer. It also does tend to be infectious persistently for long periods of time. So yes, you can transfer to other people, and it will be infectious for a long time probably.

56:00 Caller No, my question is actually because I had one doctor tell me that after I got treated with the ice thing, that I wouldn't have it anymore, and then I had another doctor tell me that I would have it.

56:14 Drew I think you will have it, you just won't have the cancer.

56:18 Caller I'll have it for the rest of my life.

56:20 Drew No, they used to think that. It's very hard to predict how long you'll have it. But, boy, I read something just a couple weeks ago that said it may go away as quickly as 18 months. Some people were saying five years.

56:32 Adam We got worse on the run in this country.

56:34 Drew But the important thing is that you be very, very carefully and regularly screened, and you realize that you are infectious with this.

56:40 Adam The root of the cryo, the cryogenics.

56:45 Drew Yeah, cold.

56:47 Adam Cold, just cryo is cold?

56:48 Drew Yeah. I don't know where that came from. I don't remember that's.

56:52 Adam It didn't seem to be around 20 years ago.

56:56 Drew Look, Chris, dictionary.com, look up the prefix cryo. So, Rach, what's the other question?

57:01 Caller The other part is I heard you talking about the pearly penile papules, and I had a question about what that looks like.

57:09 Drew Looks like warts. They're hard to tell from warts, unless you have a trained eye.

57:13 Adam When were you talking about that?

57:14 Drew A long time ago. We haven't missed that in quite a while.

57:17 Adam I know.

57:17 Drew They look like they're more symmetrical, and they're more circumferential, and they're a little flatter, and they're pearly.

57:23 Adam They're pearly. They're white. All right. Eric has a Germany or Florida. The kid's been on hold for an hour and a half.

57:29 Caller I feel bad.

57:31 Adam Eric?

57:31 Yeah.

57:32 Drew I was actually going to go to Eric next, but you seem so intent upon the 42, whatever.

57:36 Adam 32 double Ds. I'm just worried because chicks with 32 double Ds don't sit on hold very long. They don't have to hold, you know? They open the velvet rope right this way, Ms. Juggs.

57:49 Caller Go ahead, Eric. Germany or Florida?

57:52 Adam Yeah.

57:52 Caller Yeah.

57:53 Adam I want to hear the scat. I want to hear the scat version of Germany or Florida, if I could, Anderson, please.

57:59 Drew It's Germany. Finger-popping.

58:04 Adam Finger-popping.

58:06 Drew There it is.

58:11 Caller Is it Germany or Florida? Hey! Let's find out.

58:26 Caller Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.

58:29 Adam Big ending.

58:32 Drew You know, when I was in New York, he was doing a show, I saw him on Conan, he was doing a show called Mambo or something. And I called him and said, hey, David, did I see you on that? He goes, yeah, yeah, that wasn't a repeat. No, no, yeah, yeah, cancel. It closed next week. He called it Mambo Bombos.

58:46 Adam Oh, poor Dan. So talented.

58:49 Drew I know.

58:49 Adam I know it's gotta find a place for him. All right, Eric, it's Germany or Florida? Go ahead.

58:55 Caller All right, a drunken tourist has been arrested for breaking into a zoo and feeding stolen beer and ice cream to a tiger. The man allegedly stole beer and ice cream from the zoo shop and as well as giving it to the tiger, drank so much himself that he passed out. 26-year-old was found by keepers the following morning, still out cold.

59:13 Adam All right, I don't think they sell beer in a Florida zoo.

59:16 Drew I would think not, and they sell beer everywhere in Germany. Now, he could be screwing with us.

59:20 Adam He's not.

59:21 Drew He could be sending us a curve ball.

59:22 Adam No, I'm going Germany.

59:23 Drew Germany.

59:24 Adam Germany.

59:24 Drew In place, what zoo could you break into in Florida that wouldn't, you know what I mean? In the old-fashioned zoos.

59:31 Adam I don't know about that part. To me, it's selling. See, in Europe, here's the-

59:37 Drew You're treated like an adult in Europe.

59:38 Adam In Europe, they know that when adults are going out for outings on a weekend, they like to indulge in a beverage, and they'll go ahead and make it available for you. If you drink 30 of them and wind your car around a telephone pole, then they'll come get you, but they treat you like an adult. You can have a beer, you can actually hold a beer and walk around.

59:57 Caller It's a 40-year-old.

59:58 Drew It's awesome. Public place?

1:00:00 Caller Yeah.

1:00:00 Drew Wow.

1:00:01 Adam Yeah. So-

1:00:04 Drew Germany.

1:00:05 Adam Germany.

1:00:06 Caller It's actually Germany.

1:00:07 Drew Okay.

1:00:08 Adam Thank you.

1:00:09 Caller American tourists, though. I thought that might throw you guys off.

1:00:13 Adam Did you say American tourists?

1:00:14 Drew No, I just said tourists.

1:00:15 Caller I said drunken tourists.

1:00:16 Adam Drunken tourists. Drunken tourists does feel very Floridian, but the part where you can actually purchase a beer and walk around like an adult, like a human being, it feels very European.

1:00:26 Drew Well, beer and ice cream together was what really threw it for me.

1:00:29 Adam Yeah. I just go ahead and make an ice cream flavored, you know, a beer flavored ice cream. Just go ahead and do it that way.

1:00:37 Drew Very nice.

1:00:37 Adam Drunky monkey. Ben and Jerry's come out with it.

1:00:42 Caller Hoppy.

1:00:43 Adam Here's the thing about Europe. Say what you want about Europe. They treat their citizens like adults.

1:00:50 Drew Yes.

1:00:50 Adam If you want to have a beer and you want to stroll along and do a little window shopping and have a beer in your hand, that's fine. If you bust the beer bottle and stab a chick with it, then you get into trouble. But until you do that, you get to do your thing and surprisingly, nothing seems to happen.

1:01:10 Drew Right.

1:01:10 Adam How does that work?

1:01:12 Drew I don't know. It's amazing.

1:01:13 Adam I really wish, you know all I want, all I want is the opportunity to do it. I wish there was some sort of just promissory thing I could sign that said, look, I'm going to go ahead and fill out this paperwork, and now I get to be treated like a goddamn adult. If I want a beer in a bottle, I get to drink a beer in a bottle. If I want a lighter that doesn't have some thing in it where I have to reset it every time I flick it, and an aspirin bottle I can get open without using my teeth, I can do everything. And here's what I'm going to sign. I'm going to sign something that says I won't sue. I'm going to sign something that says if I OD on this Tylenol that didn't have the child protective Brody knob on the top of it, it's my fault. If I go ahead and burn down my trailer with this lighter that didn't have a safety thing on it, and if I get drunk and attack my stepmom with this beer bottle, you can sue. Here's the thing. Where do I sign? Instead, you're treated like the lowest common denominator. I mean, here's all life has become in this country, everyone. You go to the airport, you get in line, you take your shoes off. You're not blowing anything up. You're not bringing down any airplanes. You're not flying them into any trade centers. You just get in line, take your shoes off, empty them pockets out, step out of line, and just rub this wand around you and pat you down. That's what you are. Now, you understand how that works at the airport. Fine. I don't know any way we're going to do it. You could leave the five-year-old. I saw McCarran being frisked on my way back to LA a couple of weekends ago. You'll probably not frisk the kid and not frisk the old women who look like Sandy Duncan's mom. You could leave them alone. But I understand you got to have security. But what you people don't understand is this is now pervaded society.

1:03:02 Drew Well, I don't think that's where it started. I think it was already well underway.

1:03:06 Adam I don't think it started at the airport, but the equivalent to this, you can't be trusted because somebody might F up, so go get in line and take your belt and shoes off. That is now everywhere. I don't like, like for instance, I really don't like drinking a beer out of a plastic bottle. I just don't. It doesn't feel like a beer to me. I like a cold beer bottle in my hand. And I don't like those weird plastic screw top bottle things that they have at all events now, because you could throw your beer bottle out on the field and bust the umpire in the head with it. I like a beer bottle. I don't like transferring things into plastic cups when I have to leave. I don't like the fact that if you're in a, I remember it was a rap party for the Man Show, and we're at a bowling alley that was in Studio City, and the bowling alley we had rented out. And the bowling alley was set back from the street a good, you know, 60 feet. And we're on bowling alley property. The doors let out into the, but because adults, first off, you can't smoke inside of the bowling alley. Everyone's getting drunk at this rap party, and everyone's going out into the front. When people drink, they smoke sometimes. People are going out in the parking lot and having to go smoke, even though no one would have cared it was a rap party. Fine. So everyone has to file out and smoke. And as you're filing out into this little area with a bench and an awning that's just out front of the door, which is well off the street and still in the parking lot, that's still in the facility, you're holding your drink. You want to go have a smoke, you got to need that drink. Well, why can't I? I'm just stepping out. No, no. I'm stepping three feet out the goddamn door to smoke a butt. No, no. I'm just standing here. I'm not getting in my car. The drink has to stay in. So now you have to take the drink. You've rented the place out. You got to go outside and smoke. You got to take the drink and you have to sort of set it on the ground inside the thing. And some people like to talk and they like to take a swig and they like to blow a little butt and then they head back in. Now the drink is sitting inside in amongst other drinks that were all sat down and you have to sort of go ahead and make sure you get your drink when you come back. It would be impossible for you to stand out there and do it, right?

1:05:17 Drew Awful.

1:05:17 Caller Yeah.

1:05:19 Adam What is that? Can we just, can we, can we reclaim this country in the name of sanity, in the name of adults who want to be treated like adults? You just can't do anything anymore.

1:05:30 Drew I know.

1:05:31 Adam I mean, can we just step up? It's just, there's a goddamn rule for everything. Nothing could be done. Everyone's treated, and everyone's just the lowest common denominator.

1:05:40 Drew Right. Everyone's a liability.

1:05:41 Adam Everyone's a liability. Fantastic. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get like Jim Morrison. I'm going to get fat. I'm going to grow a beard. I'm going to France and write poetry.

1:05:52 Drew Nice.

1:05:53 Adam Yeah.

1:05:54 Drew And get the heroin going too.

1:05:56 Adam Yeah. I'm going to be like, blood on the highway. The Indians distant relatives cry with the eagle soars. You say no, I say yes. You know what I mean?

1:06:11 Drew Genius.

1:06:12 Adam Mom, I want to F you. Write that down, Drew. It's the kind of thing I could be doing that in a bathtub in Paris right now. Fat, drinking.

1:06:23 Drew Oh my God. I'm selling that stuff for a fortune.

1:06:25 Adam With my lighter with no weird ribbon on it that takes the skin off my thumb. Can't light the lighter. It's awesome. They came out with these great childproof lighters. Here's how it works. They don't work. That's how it works.

1:06:37 Drew They can't be turned on.

1:06:38 Adam They can be ignited. Yeah. The great thing is there's 15 different varieties of them. So you have to go, no, you don't know how that one works. No, that one, it's awesome. It's perfect. It's a perfect society. It really, here's what it is. You're just tormented now. You know, that's what purgatory is. You get a lighter that doesn't really work and you have to just keep flicking and flicking. It's weird. Drew, have you seen these childproof lighters? They have a weird ribbon on them. So you have to press your thumb down really hard on the serrated flint part in order to spin it because there's a band that sort of prevents you from spinning it. So they actually have to take something that works perfectly and then F it up a little bit so kid couldn't work it. You know what I mean? It'd be like a key that fits into a deadbolt and works perfectly. The action is perfect. Except that's too easy for the kid to get in. So we'll F it up. So now you have to jiggle it around a little bit. Every time you come in your house, you have to jiggle it and move it around and shake the door in order to get it to work. They essentially have to sort of break things that work fine so kids can't figure it out.

1:07:41 Drew Crazy.

1:07:41 Adam It's awesome. It's awesome. Good times. It's awesome. Amber?

1:07:48 Caller Hi.

1:07:48 Adam Hey, what's happening, baby? 18?

1:07:51 Caller Yes.

1:07:52 Adam You have a 32 double D?

1:07:54 Caller 32 double D.

1:07:56 Adam That's what I'm saying, everybody. See, people do this, huh? I'm a 39 D. Uh-uh. That's not what you want, the 32. Yeah.

1:08:05 Definitely.

1:08:07 Adam Yeah. What's, how tall are you?

1:08:09 About almost 5'3.

1:08:11 Adam Oh, okay. I'm still there. And how much you weigh?

1:08:16 About 110.

1:08:18 Adam Mm-hmm. See? And double D. Now, you could go to 34 D, right?

1:08:24 Um, they don't fit quite right.

1:08:27 Adam Yeah. They're like me and the 34s.

1:08:32 Victoria Seacrest doesn't even make 32 double D. They can't even wear their bra.

1:08:36 Adam That's awesome. That's the equivalent. You know, that's basically the equivalent of, that's the equivalent for chicks. Chicks hate her like you hate, like, once in a while the guy, is that guy, is like, yeah, I can't wear those LaCrosse shirts. They're too tight on my guns. My biceps are too big. You know, it's like it'll tear. If I scratch my back or my neck, I'll just go ahead and tear the sleeve on, you know, it's like, yeah, you make me sick. They don't even make that for, oh, it's awesome. All right. So, yeah.

1:09:09 So, my question is, is I really do want a breast reduction. I would like to have like a full B or a small b. I'm wondering if I should wait until I have babies.

1:09:19 Adam How's your shape?

1:09:21 Nice.

1:09:22 Adam Oh, said with confidence.

1:09:25 Everyone thinks I have breast implants.

1:09:27 Adam Big areolas?

1:09:29 No, tiny.

1:09:30 Adam Tiny. That's a nice novel look in its own way. Yes, Drew? Drew's nodding feverishly. Oh, high five. Really get that one, Drew.

1:09:40 Drew I've never seen you quite so excited. It's a whole novel thing.

1:09:44 Adam Well, my dude.

1:09:46 Drew I do say.

1:09:47 Adam Yes. So, see the small, how big are the areolas, would you say?

1:09:54 Caller Oh, like a quarter.

1:09:55 Adam Yeah, small areolas on the big cans are their own thing, but they work.

1:10:02 That, my quarters are sometimes my bras, you know, I just tape them on.

1:10:08 Adam Wait a minute. Hold on, is she, don't, you don't, don't toy with me. Is she toying with me now?

1:10:17 Drew I think so.

1:10:18 Adam I heard her laughing in the background.

1:10:23 Drew She'll come get you, Amber, for stuff like this.

1:10:25 Adam You don't, you don't mess around.

1:10:27 Drew This is like, this is sacred territory for Mr. Corolla.

1:10:29 Adam Amber. Amber.

1:10:33 Caller Yeah, I'm here.

1:10:34 Adam Now, I know someone's laughing in the background.

1:10:36 No, it's my girlfriend, Crimson. She's mad I said her name.

1:10:42 Adam Okay. But you still have the 32 double Ds?

1:10:46 Yes, I have 32 double D. And my question is, is my sister has big boobs too. But see, she had babies and stuff, and she got a breast reduction because her boobs got bigger. And I mean, they hurt me and stuff. And I have to go to the chiropractor, but I'd rather have it now, but I'm willing to if I should wait until. But I'm not planning on having babies for like another seven years or so.

1:11:08 Adam Do you have a boyfriend?

1:11:10 Yes.

1:11:11 Adam How is he?

1:11:13 Oh, he doesn't get to touch them. So he thinks that if they get a breast reduction, that he'll never get a chance to touch the biggest boobs ever.

1:11:22 Adam He doesn't get to touch them?

1:11:23 No, I'm a virgin.

1:11:25 Drew Wait, Adam, wipe that tear away.

1:11:28 Adam Wow. What do you do with him? Do you mess around?

1:11:32 Just kiss and stuff.

1:11:34 Adam Oh, okay. Sort of refreshing. How long have you been together with him?

1:11:41 Like five, six months. Five and a half months.

1:11:44 Adam How old is he?

1:11:45 He's 19.

1:11:47 Adam He's going insane. And what's the plan? Are you going to remain a virgin till you're married?

1:11:56 I think so.

1:11:57 Adam Really? Does he know about this?

1:12:00 Yeah, he knows, but he probably thinks I'd give in, but I won't.

1:12:05 You won't?

1:12:06 Adam Wow. See, here's the thing. Not to him.

1:12:08 Drew Not to him.

1:12:09 Oh, poor guy.

1:12:10 Adam These chicks don't have that biological mandate.

1:12:13 Drew No.

1:12:13 Adam It's like having a staring contest with someone who has no eyelids. They win every time. It's like whatever. Yeah. It doesn't work. Like for us, it's willpower. We're white-knuckling it. For them, it's like there's not interest in it.

1:12:31 Drew Why would I want to compromise myself that way? What's in it for me? Her thing.

1:12:36 Adam Yeah. Okay. So you're not that into him?

1:12:41 No, I like him, but how serious can you be when going off to college?

1:12:46 Drew She's a healthy young woman. You're very evolved, healthy, Amber.

1:12:51 Caller Very good.

1:12:53 Adam Where are you going to college?

1:12:56 Pepperdine University in Malibu.

1:12:57 Adam Oh my God. You're going to be in the neighborhood because I get out that way.

1:13:02 Do you?

1:13:03 Caller Yeah.

1:13:05 Do you guys do guest speaking there?

1:13:09 Drew I would do that for free at Pepperdine.

1:13:11 Adam I'm going to take the Ace in Martin out for a walk. It's got a very familiar horn sound. You hear it in front of the sorority house. Just grab that bikini and come running out. Oh, you're going to fit right in at Pepperdine. Amber, let's go, baby. This thing really eats gas. Let's go now.

1:13:31 Drew What was that, Amber? What did you say?

1:13:33 I said going out to college and stuff, I didn't want too much.

1:13:35 Drew Yeah, you know you're very evolved.

1:13:37 Adam We're going to miss the buffet at Gladstone's.

1:13:39 Drew I'm goofing around with you, but you're saying things that are all very, very healthy. So as far as the reduction, don't get off into that just yet. Oh, do not. Well, a lot of plastic surgeons would recommend that you wait till after you have kids because things can change. Things can shrink even, they can involute afterwards.

1:13:54 Adam But what about the fact that her sister went up? I mean, do you think there's a mandate there?

1:13:58 Drew No, not really. And there's plenty of time after the fact. Listen, do your back exercises and the workout, you'll be fine. If you really have trouble with the bra strap groove and neck and back pain and that kind of thing, there's certainly plenty of plastic surgeons out here while you're in college that could oblige.

1:14:13 Adam Yeah. And there's, you go to the chiropractor.

1:14:17 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:14:18 Adam Don't do that. Just get a nice massage, stretch yourself out. All right, have fun at Pepperdine.

1:14:23 All right, thank you.

1:14:24 Adam Yeah, I'll see you there.

1:14:26 Drew Oh, you just, Adam, do not go down there, I'll start looking for her. Dude, Amber, I can see you now.

1:14:33 Adam PA system on top of the car.

1:14:35 Drew With the four horns.

1:14:36 Adam Yeah, the big four horns. Like you pulled it off.

1:14:40 Drew Like a Banana Republic.

1:14:42 Adam Yeah, it's like the thing they have out in the parking lot at a county fair.

1:14:45 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:14:45 Adam It's the public address system, yeah. All right, let's take ourselves a little break. Dating Kids Teacher. Wow, got a seven year old kid. Rev is dating the teacher out in Alaska. Take a quick break. Be right back with Rev after this.

1:15:07 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:15:08 Caller So get your problems ready.

1:15:16 Caller You can see model actress Diora Baird in this summer's hottest comedy wedding crashers or you can see all of Diora Baird inside the August Playboy on Newsstands now.

1:15:32 Adam Yeah, everybody. Got to bang your head, Drew. That's my boy.

1:15:39 Caller Hey.

1:15:40 Adam Hey, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Bill Bellamy is coming in tomorrow night. 311 is going to be here on Wednesday. Drew, why don't you thank Scott Thomas, PhD.

1:15:53 Drew Scott Thomas, electrical engineer for sending us mixed nuts and smoked almonds. Oh, man.

1:16:00 Adam Yeah.

1:16:00 Drew He knows how to make us happy.

1:16:02 Adam Yeah.

1:16:04 Drew He's from Banner Elk, North Carolina, looks like.

1:16:07 Adam Beautiful country, beautiful people. Let me say this, Drew. When people send us food, on average, from the time we get the package to the time we start eating it, what is that time? What is the duration of that time?

1:16:22 Drew Well, it's hard to specify because things come in different kinds of packages.

1:16:26 Adam It takes us a while to get them up.

1:16:27 Drew But whatever it takes to get it open, it's about a minute and a half.

1:16:30 Adam Yeah. Here's what happens. Anne brings a box in and says, I got you, something came in the mail.

1:16:36 Drew We go like badgers digging into it.

1:16:39 Adam What is that? What is that? It's like, I don't know. What is that? I don't know. Give me that. What's going on? We open up, we start rustling around for it. Like a kid on Christmas or like a raccoon in a dumpster. We just start digging around. What is this? Hey, what's this? These are nuts. You open the one, I'll open the other. We just start digging in. We probably shouldn't be saying this on the air. Say, I've had homemade fudge and cookies and stuff that could easily be poison sent and devour that too.

1:17:09 Drew Nice.

1:17:09 Adam I sniff it a little bit. After you've eaten it. I make that same comment that the guys make on the shows that I watch when I watch like 48 hours in 2020 on the weekends when they bust those guys are putting hits on their wives trying to collect on the insurance when they're being videotaped inside of the cab of the truck. They meet, they have a meeting place. It was in the parking lot of a place you've heard of, like Coco's or something like that. So they meet out in the parking lot and the first thing the person says like, so you're a real hitman, you're not an undercover guy or anything, right? No, I'm a hitman. Okay, great. Here's what I want to do. And then they proceed to go ahead and be videotaped. Yeah, the guy's wired like a Christmas tree and the guy then proceeds to explain the plan about snuffing the wife out. Now, the other thing about that is, I realize everyone has a pattern and I've seen these things a million times. They videotape. It's always funny when it then goes to trial. And there's a videotape of the person going, listen, just kill them anyway you want. You get 10 grand up front. You get 10 grand when you complete it. I don't know. Well, it is important for them to suffer. And I look, whatever, you do what you got to do. I'm not going to tell you how to do your job. I'll just tell you when they're home. And then they go ahead and watch that videotape and then they play it in court and the person is like, well, I was never planning on going through, you know, I was just talking, you know, just meeting the guy. You know, I read his ad in the back of Field and Stream and I met him out in the parking lot of the TGI Fridays and offered him 10 grand to kill my wife, but I never, never intended to ever kill.

1:18:53 Drew Didn't mean anything by it.

1:18:54 Adam Didn't mean anything by it. But yeah, they, they, they always ask.

1:18:58 Drew You take things so personally.

1:18:59 Adam They always ask that question. But here's what I realized from all those shows. A lot of women killing the husbands too. A couple of things. First off, don't take out life insurance. That's number one. That's the first thing I learned. No insurance at all. Car insurance, earthquake insurance, no insurance. Number one. Number two, you can't have a schedule. Because every single one of these works this way. Wife's telling the guy, well, what happens? Well, at 10 o'clock, he's going to be in the bathtub, he's going to be drunk. Okay? You knock on the door, he'll come down, and when he comes down, he'll answer that, you know, that's what they do.

1:19:33 Drew Yeah.

1:19:34 Adam That's why I have no schedule.

1:19:36 Drew Right.

1:19:36 Adam I come-

1:19:37 Drew Your wife can't catch you. I know she's been trying.

1:19:39 Adam I might come-

1:19:39 Drew She's talking to me about that.

1:19:40 Adam I might come home at 12.30 at night, I might come home at five in the morning. I may leave early right now and come home. You know what I mean? I may leave tomorrow morning at nine, I may leave at noon. And I always walk in a serpentine fashion inside the house. You don't know which way. And some days, I leave out the front door. Other days, I'll just pull up a access hatch, crawl out the underpinning, and go out the living room.

1:20:02 Drew It's funny, we were at the party the other night, she sort of put her finger up against the air and a fox is on the move.

1:20:06 Adam Oh, oh, really? So that's what I'm talking about.

1:20:08 Drew Yeah, she's looking for you.

1:20:09 Adam Now, there are other times when I leave out of the bedroom, just rappel down the front of the house.

1:20:13 Drew Oh, well, I don't think she knows about that.

1:20:14 Adam You get it. Well, I don't want, that's my point. That's my point. That's my point. You gotta mix it up. Do you hear what I'm saying to you?

1:20:21 Drew You gotta mix it up.

1:20:22 Adam Rev?

1:20:23 Yeah. Yeah.

1:20:25 Caller You guys, I gotta tell you, I totally love you guys. Adam, I hope that you don't leave Loveline.

1:20:31 Adam Yeah.

1:20:31 Drew Well, I just think you should say that.

1:20:33 Adam I think you should say that because that's our next call, our next call is about.

1:20:37 Caller Well, if you do, I'll take your job.

1:20:40 Adam Thank you.

1:20:40 Drew I will think of you.

1:20:41 Adam Who cares?

1:20:42 Caller Go ahead.

1:20:44 Caller I have a seven-year-old and I volunteer at his class. I did it for his kindergarten and I did it for his first grade this year. They had a new teacher in there this year and we started hitting it off. Around Christmas time, we started seeing each other.

1:21:05 Adam What was the dude's name?

1:21:08 Caller Tony. No, I have not given a name out. Anyway, we started seeing each other and we jumped at one.

1:21:15 Adam Hold on. Is it a dude?

1:21:17 Caller No, dude. I'm just kidding.

1:21:19 Adam Okay. Yeah, I know.

1:21:20 Drew What's your job, Adam? What's your job?

1:21:22 Adam I'm from Alaska. They don't allow gays over there. I know.

1:21:26 Drew Right. I know no gay guy.

1:21:28 Adam No gay guy. If it's right mine, we go to Alaska. Imagine that?

1:21:30 Caller Yeah. Well, actually, there's some gay folks up here.

1:21:34 Adam They're gay, but let me tell you something. That's deliverance gay. That's grizzled gay.

1:21:42 Drew Bear gay.

1:21:43 Adam That's a mountain man gay. Wanny Port in a storm. It's all this. It's looking to generate a little body heat. We're going to get a lot of women this way.

1:21:51 Caller Grizzled gay.

1:21:54 Adam Big thing got plug in his mouth, dripping down his beard.

1:21:57 Drew Good times.

1:21:58 Adam Wearing some pelts.

1:22:01 Caller All right.

1:22:01 Adam So anyway, Rev, you're into the-

1:22:03 That's pretty accurate by the way.

1:22:04 Adam Yeah.

1:22:05 Drew Oh, nice.

1:22:06 Adam You're into the teacher.

1:22:08 Caller Right. She's like real tall, blonde, blue-eyed. She wears like nerdy glasses. She's very, very hot. And anyway, we kept it like on the down low because I didn't really want to- I'm kind of careful with relationships because I'm like single father and I want to like drag my kid into some kind of crazy stuff. And anyway, so then we like kind of came out once school was out. And I'm kind of feeling like I might be creating like kind of a like touchy situation with my kid.

1:22:46 Adam Yeah, hold on. Are you quiet? Are you serious about this person?

1:22:53 Caller I'm pretty happy just being with me and my son. She's nice and I think that everything that she's done in the relationship is perfect.

1:23:03 Adam Okay. Does she have to be your kid's teacher next year?

1:23:06 Caller No.

1:23:08 Drew You're fine. You're fine.

1:23:09 Adam Do whatever you want.

1:23:10 Drew It's like dating a student and a teacher and grad student or something. It's like when you're not in that role any longer, then all right.

1:23:17 Caller Right. All right.

1:23:18 Adam Let's talk to Steve. He's 23.

1:23:21 Caller Steve?

1:23:22 Caller Hey, Adam.

1:23:23 Adam What's happening?

1:23:24 Caller Well, I'm worried here. I'm a big fan of you guys' show. I work nights, so you guys get me through till about midnight, and then I listen to Stern from three to six.

1:23:35 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:23:36 Drew Steve's completely screwed.

1:23:38 Caller Yeah. So what's going on here? How are you going to take over Stern's show and work till midnight here and then pick up at six in the morning, or whatever time you're going to be doing the next show?

1:23:51 Adam Yeah. Well, that's tough. Yeah. First, I'm going to need a big flower sack size of nose candy. A little booger sugar.

1:24:00 Drew Yeah.

1:24:00 Adam The real problem or the second part, second, third part of that problem is this daily TV show, comedy, central show that now hopefully will fold. I'm not going to screw it up. I'm not going to sabotage it.

1:24:16 Drew Just wish it out.

1:24:17 Adam I just wish it into the cornfield. Because I'm doing a show that's going to come on after the daily show every night that's going to be a nice pain in my rump, and then this TLC home improvement show. So, you know, when it rains, it pours. Yeah, it looks like, and nothing official, but it does look like I'll be doing Stern's job, at least out here on the West Coast, and some parts of Arizona, and maybe, you know, San Diego and San Francisco or something like that. I don't know when that's going to start. I'm not going to be able to do both simultaneously. That pays a hell of a lot more money than this, and I'm probably going to have to do it. So, Steve, you're going to have a tough life.

1:24:59 Caller I don't know what I'm going to do, man.

1:25:01 Drew You can catch Adam in the morning like, well, you're going to be asleep then, though.

1:25:04 Adam Who, me?

1:25:05 Drew Well, he'll be hearing David Lee Roth in the morning.

1:25:07 Adam No, I don't think he's going to be out here.

1:25:09 Drew No, oh, there'll be no.

1:25:12 Adam Yeah.

1:25:12 Drew He said he would listen to the early feed, though.

1:25:15 Adam Yeah, but I don't think they're going to feed. I don't think they're going to feed the East Coast out here anymore if they're not going to replay it later on.

1:25:22 Drew Right.

1:25:23 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

1:25:24 Caller Hate to say it, I'm going to have to do the serious thing.

1:25:27 Adam What's that?

1:25:28 Caller Hate to say it, I'm going to have to do the serious thing. It's the only option.

1:25:32 Adam All right. Well, knock yourself out.

1:25:34 Caller All right, guys.

1:25:35 Adam All right, everybody, boy. He's a fan. What can you do? Yeah, I feel bad for guys who work late night and listen to this show because you do establish relationships with your late night hosts. And also, you know, the thing I like about this show is we go on for like 25 minutes at a time.

1:25:55 Drew Right. Now that four minutes and then a commercial.

1:25:58 Adam You listen to some a.m. talk, especially in the morning, and you do not make it longer than about a four minute run.

1:26:04 Drew Right.

1:26:05 Adam And it's incredibly frustrating. All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. When we come back, who are we going to talk to? Dr. Drew, John, John, get ready to ship out. Twenty one year old boys, kids ship out. It's going to Iraq.

1:26:18 Drew Yeah.

1:26:18 Adam John, where are you going?

1:26:21 Actually, I'm going to San Diego for boot camp.

1:26:24 Adam OK.

1:26:24 Caller He's already gone.

1:26:25 Caller I can hear him.

1:26:26 Caller Yeah.

1:26:27 Adam Yeah. Go ahead and pick up a phone and don't put us on the speakerphone and we'll take a quick break and we'll get right back and talk to you after this.

1:26:36 Caller Dude, you got issues.

1:26:38 Caller Call Loveline.

1:26:39 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:27:11 Caller Yeah.

1:27:13 Adam That's what I'm talking about.

1:27:15 It's your favorite band.

1:27:17 Drew Who is it?

1:27:17 Adam The Gorillaz.

1:27:18 Drew Oh, they are my favorite.

1:27:21 Adam I love those cats.

1:27:22 Drew Oh no, wait, I think they're A-holes.

1:27:25 Adam Yeah.

1:27:26 Caller Hi, I'm Murdock from Gorillaz.

1:27:29 You're listening to Love Line with Adam and Drew.

1:27:35 Adam Thank God he cut that liner because Murdock just turned out to be a household name.

1:27:39 Drew Sure. It's a huge deal.

1:27:41 Yeah.

1:27:41 Adam We love those guys. Awesome. John?

1:27:45 Yeah. All right.

1:27:46 Adam So you're 23 and getting ready to ship out to San Diego.

1:27:50 Caller I'm 23. I'm 19.

1:27:52 Adam All right. Well, it says 23. You're 19 and you're getting ready to ship out to San Diego.

1:27:59 Caller Yeah. I'm getting ready to ship out to San Diego for three months of boot camp. I ship out next Sunday.

1:28:03 Drew What's your question?

1:28:05 Caller Actually, I've been going out with a 21-year-old girl for two months and she has two kids. It's pretty funny that her dad pays more attention to me than she does.

1:28:17 Drew Why are you with her then?

1:28:20 Caller Because you know what? I'm 19. I love kids and I'm just trying to look for something. I'm trying to look for a girl right now.

1:28:27 Adam You're just desperate. Here's the thing.

1:28:29 Drew Wow, you're desperate.

1:28:30 Adam You didn't get a lot of tail in high school.

1:28:35 Caller I was homeschooled pretty much.

1:28:38 Adam Well, there you go. Yeah. Let me explain what happens here. She is damaged goods because she's got the two kids. She's got the divorce and the two kids, maybe twice divorced. She's got the baggage. She's got the F up. She's wearing the scarlet letter. She's a cute chick, but she had a couple of kids, so her number has been lowered.

1:29:00 Drew John doesn't want to judge those things. He's never been around his peers.

1:29:03 Adam John doesn't know anything. John didn't get any in his home school.

1:29:06 Drew He's so happy that she's having sex with him. It's whatever.

1:29:09 Adam He's in and it's fine. But now, John, you're going to San Diego. You're 19 and after you're done in San Diego, God knows where you're shipping out to. This thing's over.

1:29:20 Drew Don't cling too tightly to it anyway.

1:29:22 Caller You think so?

1:29:24 Drew You can see where it goes, but don't declare everlasting love and commitment.

1:29:30 Adam You're in the Navy?

1:29:30 Drew You're 19, for God's sakes.

1:29:31 Adam You're in the Navy?

1:29:33 Caller I'm actually in the Marines.

1:29:34 Drew Pendleton, going to San Diego.

1:29:36 Adam Are you getting out? Well, you have all seven.

1:29:38 Drew You're in the Navy. But I didn't know it was a boot camp.

1:29:41 Adam Well, that's true.

1:29:41 Caller The boot camp was three months.

1:29:43 Adam Where do you go after you complete your boot camp?

1:29:46 Caller Actually, I'm going to come back to Chicago for like 10 days and then I have to ship back out to San Diego for about two months for MOS training. Then I'm coming back here because I'm actually on reserves. I'm actually going to get a full-time job and stuff.

1:29:59 Adam Aren't they using the reserves these days?

1:30:02 Caller You know what? They are. There's a slight chance I might get shipped out somewhere else like overseas.

1:30:09 Adam Like Iraq?

1:30:10 Caller Yeah.

1:30:12 Adam Okay. I'm sure the recruiter was like, John, we'll send you to sunny San Diego, do a couple of push-ups, get a nice tan, meet some hot chicks over the Tijuana border there.

1:30:23 Drew Give me some extra income.

1:30:24 Adam Bank a few prostitutes, make a few extra bucks, and we'll send you back to Chi-Town.

1:30:28 Drew Get yourself a full-time job.

1:30:29 Adam Do a little work, then it's back off to San Diego again, get you some expensive college-like training. Then it's back to Chi-Town again, you hang out, get a gig. Maybe we'll send you to Iraq. I would probably just hang out in Chi-Town. So go ahead and sign.

1:30:46 Drew Eighty percent of our recruits end up in Chicago, Frankfurt, or Texas.

1:30:50 Adam Oh, there's why, there's Frankfurt. It's awesome. It's Cuba. Yeah, it's awesome. You could be anywhere. You can be anywhere. Or you could be traveling through the dusty streets of Iraq with your makeshift plywood, duct-taped onto your Hummer to get a little extra protection.

1:31:06 Drew All right. Here we go. Take another call.

1:31:08 Adam It's a whole thing about that on 60 minutes. I still don't have the armor plating on that stuff. Anna?

1:31:15 Yeah?

1:31:16 Adam You're 18?

1:31:18 Yeah.

1:31:18 Adam Recently had a baby?

1:31:20 Yeah.

1:31:20 Adam Now you have no sex drive?

1:31:22 No.

1:31:23 Drew How long ago was the baby?

1:31:25 Seven months.

1:31:27 Drew Have you been depressed?

1:31:28 No. I didn't have any depression problem whatsoever.

1:31:31 Drew Are you breastfeeding?

1:31:33 Not anymore.

1:31:34 Drew Are you menstruating normally?

1:31:35 Yeah.

1:31:36 Drew Are you on birth control pills?

1:31:37 No.

1:31:38 Drew All right. Well, that's very common. That first year especially, there's a tremendous hormonal shifts that can shut down the sex drive pretty, I mean, nature's way of contraceptive. So you don't have one kid on top of the other. Sometimes getting on a birth control pill, again, different pill types for different women, can kickstart things again.

1:31:59 Okay. Well, but before I even got pregnant, I didn't really enjoy sex anyway, but now it's worse. I just dread it.

1:32:10 Adam To me, that also means you're not really in love with the guys, not being a good father or a good boyfriend.

1:32:17 Well, he's actually my husband. Right now we're married.

1:32:21 Adam He's not okay, but the statement still stands. Can you do the math?

1:32:26 Drew Are you that into him?

1:32:27 Yeah. I've known him all my life.

1:32:32 Adam Look, when you get that answer, do you like your job? Listen, I got to pay rent.

1:32:37 Drew I've been doing it since I was 19.

1:32:40 Adam We're not asking if you need money. We're asking you do you like your job? Are you into your husband? Your answer is I've known him my whole life. That's not usually a criteria for being a good father?

1:32:54 Caller Yeah.

1:32:54 Caller He's a great father.

1:32:56 Adam He's a great husband?

1:32:57 Caller Yeah.

1:32:58 Adam Well, act like it. Don't dance around. You're into the guy. Yeah. But you can't stand him on top of you.

1:33:06 Drew Uh-uh. Were you sexually abused?

1:33:11 Well, I've had a few incidents when I was younger.

1:33:15 Drew You could have brought that up too. It would help us.

1:33:17 Adam That's something.

1:33:19 Drew So if you want to preserve this relationship, you may want to work on that stuff.

1:33:23 Adam How about no more crapping out of any kids and tell mom I get their head right? I don't mean sexually, but whatever happened to you, whatever sexual abuse or abuse happened to you when you were growing up. How about you work on that? Because you're going to screw your kid up.

1:33:38 Drew Okay.

1:33:39 Adam Okay. Good. And I like you, Anna, because you didn't answer with, but I love my kid.

1:33:44 Drew But I'm a good mom. I'm the best mom you ever heard of.

1:33:47 Adam Right. Yeah. I would say that junkies and prostitutes and survivors of abuse probably make the claim of, I love my kid. I'm a great mom.

1:34:01 Drew I'm the greatest mom.

1:34:02 Adam Better than educated, intelligent, hardworking mothers. Who are wringing their hands, worrying that they're not doing enough or they're screwing their kid up.

1:34:12 Drew Right.

1:34:12 Adam All right. Let's take a quick break.

1:34:15 Drew Yeah.

1:34:15 Adam All right. We'll be right back after this.

1:34:18 Caller Dude, you got issues.

1:34:20 Caller Call Loveline.

1:34:23 Caller One.

1:34:49 Adam Well, that's the show, y'all. Bill Bellamy, the delightful and lovable Bill Bellamy is in here tomorrow night, then 311 on Wednesday. And until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:35:03 Caller More cello, please.

1:35:07 Caller This has been Love Line. Love Line.

1:35:11 Adam Opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station.

1:35:19 Caller The producer for Love Line is Aningold.

1:35:21 Caller Love Line is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, July 18, 2005