Episode 1000717390114

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:01 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline, Loveline, Loveline, Loveline, Loveline, with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Filling in for Dr. Drew, but don't worry. Dr. Bruce is a board certified physician. He's an addiction medicine specialist. He's an ER specialist. He also is a specialist in removing tattoos with lasers, dermabrasion, all the stuff the kiddies are into. Welcome back to the show, Dr. Bruce.

1:44 Dr. Bruce Thank you.

1:46 Adam Want to turn his mic on?

1:48 Dr. Bruce It's on.

1:49 Adam No, something's off. Something's wrong.

1:51 Dr. Bruce Unacceptable.

1:52 Adam There we go. Tom Kenny is here tonight. Tom is, of course, the voice of SpongeBob and about a thousand other voices. Tom is one of the funnier guys you're ever going to meet. I will say that. Well, no, not meet. I'll say work with. Because I don't know how funny is hanging out, but I did get a chance to see him work. Do you want to? Is your mic work?

2:18 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

2:21 Dr. Bruce How about mine?

2:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You want to move over here?

2:23 Dr. Bruce No, no, no.

2:23 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce We should share one. I'm loud. I can be out in the parking lot.

2:26 Adam Yeah. All right. We'll try.

2:28 Turn SpongeBob down, please.

2:30 Adam Turn SpongeBob down.

2:32 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

2:34 Adam And turn Bruce up.

2:35 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's all the way up.

2:36 Dr. Bruce It's broken. Wow.

2:38 Adam Oh, it's broken?

2:39 I can fill for Bruce.

2:40 Dr. Bruce All right. We don't need Bruce anyway. I passed out a couple of times.

2:44 Adam All right. Well, it works for that.

2:46 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce How quickly we thought on our feet there.

2:48 Adam All right. Anyway, Tom, good to see you.

2:50 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Good to see you, Adam.

2:51 Adam Bruce, you want to try that, Mike?

2:52 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Hey, can SpongeBob say hi to my five and eight year old? It's my eight year old's birthday tonight.

2:56 Adam Yeah, but he has to say something horribly de-mined.

3:00 Dr. Bruce I just.

3:01 Adam It's a de-mand that.

3:02 Dr. Bruce God forbid they're actually listening, but Mike.

3:04 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Worship the cloven hoof, Prince of Darkness, back.

3:07 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

3:09 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You know, Paramount wanted me to come on this show when the movie came out and I said, do you guys really? Because I know there's no way to go on Love Lines and not talk dirty as SpongeBob and then you guys will be mad at me and you guys are the ones trying to book me on the show as part of your PR blitz.

3:24 Adam Right.

3:24 Dr. Bruce That's the real evil.

3:25 Adam No, I would not force you to say anything bad in a SpongeBob voice unless you're talking to Bruce's children, in which case.

3:34 Dr. Bruce My five-year-old, I swear to God, he drank a Pepsi and he said, Dad, I'm going to drink a Pepsi so I can stay up and listen to SpongeBob.

3:40 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Wow. Time for the addiction specialist dad to step in. Pepsi is a gateway drug.

3:46 Adam Is SpongeBob SquarePants the biggest cartoon ever? I mean, I know you don't want to say that, Tom.

3:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Biggest one I've ever done.

3:55 Adam Maybe you don't know that, but I mean, is it?

3:58 Dr. Bruce It's huge. And you know, a lot of it is the parents like it as much more than the kids. It's like, hey, you know, kids, there's a new episode coming out. You want to, you know, it's Friday night.

4:06 Adam No, I know. I talked to my friends who are parents and they really get into it, which is, did not hold true for the cartoons we enjoyed watching. Like there's no way my dad's like, hey, is that Grape Ape coming on?

4:19 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, no way.

4:21 Adam When's McGill and McGorilla coming on? Or how about Kimba the White Line? That's a fantastic program.

4:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce My dad hated everything that I liked as a kid. And I so wanted to, you know, like my dad would come in and we'd be watching Green Acres or something like that. And he would come in and go, is this still on? It's like, yeah, dad, it's on from 8 to 8.30. It's a half hour show. You come in five minutes later, is this still on? Jesus. Well, half hour, dad. Right. Right.

4:44 Dr. Bruce The kids love it. And then then all you have some marketing genius there, too. Last week, my five year old wouldn't leave Target without the thirty eight dollar season two.

4:52 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Oh, hey, I like that. Oh, I'm sure I like your plan is working.

4:58 Adam Hey, Tom, how many seasons is it for you of SpongeBob SquarePants? Four or five?

5:05 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, something like that. You know, it's hard because there was there's a new season airing now, but there was close to a two year gap between this current season and the the previous one while they worked on the movie. So I don't really know. I sort of just go in and then sometimes the gate is locked and we don't record.

5:21 Adam Is it? Is it? I know you're going to be modest here, but obviously it seems like you could just call out your price and they'll back the Brinks truck up to your home. I mean, if you think about what makes a character successful, obviously animation has something to do with it, but the voice, the inflection, the acting, the ability to act, I'm guessing too that a lot of that stuff is your creation. I mean, I know you, I know you're a creative guy, I know you have great improvisational instincts, it can't all just be on the script, there's got to be a lot of stuff that you bring to it.

5:58 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, you know, it's really collaborative. A lot of it was on the page from the first time that we came in because the creator Steve Hillenberg had it so well worked out before anybody even came in to record, it was like Jarrah Tolkien or something, like he had everything and like, you know, beautiful oil paintings of SpongeBob's Pineapple House, you know, he really did his homework, but he's also, you know, very charitable about letting us mess around and find where the funny stuff is.

6:26 Adam Did you go in and just try out for it, that they have other guys with John Lovitz in there before you came in there, Gilbert Godfrey? You know what I mean? Because there's nothing- What do you think of this voice?

6:38 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Is this different from what I usually do? I'm squinting. Can you see the squint on Mike?

6:44 Adam But it's always awesome when you find out that they wanted Robert Redford to play the part that Harrison Ford took in the first Star Wars or some nonsense. Not true. But you know, whenever you hear these things, it's always- and that's always-

6:57 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, they wanted Redford for Spongebob.

6:59 Adam Oh, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

7:00 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And he was busy with his little film festival he puts on.

7:03 Adam But did they have other people in mind? Did they have you in mind?

7:07 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, I've done hundreds of cartoons. If you Google me, it's frightening. But of all those cartoons, Spongebob is the only one that I didn't have to audition for.

7:19 Adam Oh, really? Yeah.

7:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Because the creator was just like, this is the guy. This guy's funny. I don't want to hear anybody else. And it was very cool.

7:28 Adam And can you- so I guess my question is, and I know you're going to be-

7:32 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Are you going back to the Brinks truck? Because you don't understand that on the show Business Ladder, cartoon voiceover guys are neck and neck with the guy who sets up the Tilt-A-Whirl at the Carnival.

7:42 Adam No, I know. The guy who wears a jumpsuit unzipped to his navel with no undershirt. That stills confidence. He's smoking the Winstons, he's looking over his shoulder all the time.

7:52 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce The guy with the Harley shirt and the three teeth going, You look like a winner, sir. I do? Thanks, pal.

7:58 Adam I know because I do a fair amount of voiceover work myself. And it's pretty much, you know, they want to give you a scale for the most part. And I'm sure Tom gets a hell of a lot more than that. But there are instances like in the Simpsons who the cast was able to unite and sort of step up and realize they had a bona fide hit here and start getting a payday. And why not? I mean, when the cast of, you know, Friends is getting a million plus an episode, and you have another long running hit, why not get a payday?

8:28 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And am I scribbling down my agent's number? Could you call her tomorrow and give her this wrap? Well, you know, it's there. I mean, I'm basic cable all the way. I don't know what prime time, what prime time network is like.

8:40 Adam I understand.

8:40 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Zillions, I'm sure.

8:41 Adam The merchandising has to be just a multi, multi, multi million dollar enterprise, and you didn't design Spongebob. No, I did not create it. The sets, but you do have a hand in shaping him via your voice and your inflection.

8:59 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, along with writers and storyboard guys and the crew, you know, and Steve Millenberg.

9:04 Adam They should get a taste, too.

9:06 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce They should.

9:07 Adam Here's all I'm saying. First off, do they have, what if something, what if something happened to you? What, what if?

9:15 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Now he sounds like my state farm insurance guy. Tom, what if an untoward accident were, what if you were to be suddenly decapitated while driving to one of your voiceover sessions?

9:23 Adam I know.

9:23 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce A steel beam goes right through your throat.

9:26 Adam You're yawning and an I-beam comes swinging down from a gantry crane and actually goes through the back here. Soft palate.

9:33 SpongeBob is going to be sounding a little different this season. I have to hold this wand through my throat.

9:43 Adam Well, first off, I always tell my insurance agent, in the unlikely event you're not there, hey, if I'm dead, kiss my ass. I don't care. What else do you want me to worry about when I'm dead? For the love of Christ, she's killing me now.

9:56 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I don't want my kids to become these Hollywood wastrels that run their cars into trees.

10:00 Adam Do you understand when I'm dead, everyone is dead in my mind? You're only alive because I'm here to see it through my eyes when I'm dead. The insurance guy, you're dead.

10:11 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That is very deep.

10:13 Adam Yes, nothing exists anymore. What do I care? For all I know, you guys are all just here to round out my life.

10:19 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's not my job to provide for you after my death. My job is up. My working days are over. I'm taking the big vacation.

10:27 I know.

10:29 I know.

10:32 Adam Here's what you do. Sign up for the Neptune Society. It only costs a couple hundred bucks to put me in the Pacific and then keep the rest of the cash.

10:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah. That's the way to go.

10:40 Adam I like to think too where no one's ever supposed to have to ever work another day of their life. It's like, sure, there's enough to live lavishly for about 25, 30 years, but then what?

10:49 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Then what?

10:49 Adam Someone's going to have to get a job eventually, I'm guessing.

10:52 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce People have a tendency not to think past their 95th year, Adam.

10:55 Adam Maybe not my wife, maybe not her kids or her kids' kids, but eventually someone's going to have to get a gig.

11:01 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce God forbid. What? It's like a royal family.

11:04 Adam What's going to happen if you pass on three, 400 years from now? People have got to make ends meet.

11:11 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce All right.

11:11 Adam So, but here's what I'm saying, Bob. First off, who could, I could just call him Bob. That's a sponge to you. Who is there? Do you think, because you know there's some bastard that's practicing the voice right now.

11:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce No question.

11:23 Adam No question.

11:25 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah. And I'm sure there are suits that are gone that would like you to know that there's some, there's plenty of guys who can do squeaky voices and go, right, right.

11:33 Adam Now they're going to be like, yeah, remember the Partridge family? When the blonde kid took a, when the brunette kid took a powder and they got the cute blonde kid, no one's bad in an eye. You know, it would be no different for you, Tom.

11:43 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce When Tattoo asks for too much money on Fantasy Island, there was a line of midgets around the block, going, they give me the job, I want it.

11:49 Adam Right.

11:50 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I'll do it for 500,000 a week.

11:52 Adam But do you think, and see, obviously, the people could do the voice, a handful of people could do the voice, but I don't think they could do all the other things. Kids would know. Right?

12:04 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You know, that's very nice of you to say, and I appreciate it, but, you know, kids do know. And it's very funny, like, we know the difference between the two Fred Flintstones.

12:15 Adam Right.

12:15 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Right. Even though the guy that Henry Corden, that recently passed away a couple in the last few weeks or a month, was Fred for much longer than Alan Reed.

12:26 Adam Sure.

12:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Was Fred. But Alan Reed is Fred. And as a kid, you could always tell the difference. And even though Mel Blanc did two distinct Barney voices, remember the sort of, hey Fred, sort of voice the first season? Hey Fred. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Fred, hey Fred. They were both Mel Blanc.

12:43 Adam Right.

12:44 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce But it was weird for you to hear Barney speaking in two voices, not the dinosaur or the caveman.

12:50 Adam By the way, give that speech to the executives over at Nickelodeon, and they're going to be like, all right, scale, scale and a half.

12:58 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Right before they press the ejector seat button that shoots you through the roof of the studio.

13:03 Adam So all I'm saying is, is I wonder, I mean, I just feel like. How far can I push this, Adam? I feel like you're a huge part of the success of the character and you should be adequately compensated. That's all I'm worried about.

13:19 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce This is like a honeymooners episode.

13:21 Adam That's all I'm saying.

13:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That's it, Alice.

13:23 I'm going to ask for a raise. I'm going to go in there tomorrow.

13:26 Adam That's right. Cut to Tom on my sofa. I think I get you some work. Can you put primer on?

13:33 How are you with primer?

13:35 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Living in a cardboard box under a bridge.

13:41 Adam That's all the sounds. All right. I wish I could do anything other than my voice.

13:44 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I don't get paid if it talks. If it's Spongebob panties, I don't get paid. If they're talking panties, I get paid.

13:51 Adam But the deal is that you should be able to ride this one into the grave, right?

13:56 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I hope so.

13:56 Adam I know we're getting morbid here, but I mean, there's no reason why this train won't keep rolling for years and years and years, right? It's not really like a sitcom or even a drama in that there's a sort of arc and a swing and then it sort of just burns out. There's a natural life expectancy. This could go on as long as there's television. Well, maybe.

14:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's hard to track, you know, because I've been giving it, I was telling the doctor before he went on the air, I've been giving it six months for four years. Another six months. And now the new season is getting higher ratings than in the history of the show, which is just incredible to me. So, you know, on the other hand, I know a lot of guys that used to be Smurfs and Ninja Turtles back in the day, but everything's on the 20 year plan, you know what I mean? Like, Strawberry Shortcake is huge again with Little Girl. She is? Yeah, she's huge. She's really let herself go. Have you seen Strawberry? She's been eating her namesake.

14:55 Adam Well, yeah, I mean, when your name is Strawberry, when the name Shortcake is right in your name, you know what I mean? Yeah, let's rename it John Corndog. People expect you to have a big ass.

15:07 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce A Strawberry fat ass just doesn't catch you enough.

15:10 Adam Well, let's do a little plug in. And I'm just like I said, Tom, I'm looking out for you. I'm a big fan.

15:16 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You're much more of a businessman than I am. I have the business sense of like a 20s blues singer. I took the Blind Lemon Jefferson course in Financial Acumen.

15:25 Adam All I'm just all I'm saying is, is if sometimes you're just not enough money to go around, but if other people are making money, you should be able to wet your beak. That's all I'm saying.

15:37 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Cool.

15:37 Adam All right.

15:38 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce All right. My beak?

15:39 Adam Yeah.

15:39 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Okay.

15:40 Adam Is this Lucha Vavum?

15:42 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

15:43 Adam I guess we are plugging Lucha Vavum, which is the 29th and the 30th, which is tomorrow.

15:49 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Wednesday and Thursday.

15:50 Adam Wednesday and Thursday.

15:51 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce At the Mayan Theater downtown. Have you been to a Lucha Vavum?

15:53 Adam No, I have not.

15:55 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's the craziest, coolest, weirdest show.

16:00 Adam Yeah. It's got Mexican wrestling from the 50s and burlesque and comedy, but is the comedy, throwback comedy kind of stuff too?

16:09 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Or guys who velvet tuxedos? You know, it's, like you said, masked Mexican wrestling, which is real. You know, the real Mexican wrestlers, most of them come in from Mexico City, and the big guys in that, Mil Masqueras, who's, you know, like, in his 60s, like the Babe Ruth of Mexican wrestling is going to be there, and, you know, there's, there's a, there's, there's many, many, it's the house that Mil Masqueras built, is the Mayan Theater. But, you know, so there's those guys, and that's all real. And then there's really good burlesque dancers in between the matches. And then there's just kind of wise guy comics like me and Blanca Patch, you know, him, and Pat Oswald stops by occasionally. I think Bobcat is going to swing by one of the nights and fart around with us.

16:54 Adam And is it, where's the comedy done from?

16:57 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You know, you're kind of on a raised dais above the the wrestling ring. And you're just kind of cracking wise during the matches.

17:05 Adam Commentating during the matches.

17:06 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Commentating like Mystery Science Theatre sort of a feel. And it's kind of weird because, you know, a lot of the the wrestlers are a bit English challenged. They're not real confident with their English skills.

17:20 Adam Even American wrestlers don't speak good English.

17:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That's true. It's true. There's not a lot of Mensa members grappling. But you think that they can't hear you. You know, they're just sort of there and they're throwing each other around and banging each other on the head with chairs and anything else. It isn't nailed down and you're just cracking wise. And then the last time we did it, one of the big scary guys of this big wrestler named Dr. Wagner, I don't know what that means in Spanish.

17:47 Adam Mexican wrestler named Dr. Wagner.

17:50 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Do you know him? You're a doctor. Have you guys crossed paths?

17:52 Dr. Bruce Haven't made his point.

17:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce But he came after us.

17:56 Caller Totally unplanned.

17:57 Shut up! Shut up! I said shut up!

18:00 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And climbed up to us and grabbed the other comedian and me, of course, like the craven coward I am. I just fled the scene while the other guy got pelted with cans. But wow, it was so it was really it's really scary to have a giant guy come for you.

18:18 Adam Well, here's here's the thing, because me and Kimmel went to wrestling camp one time for a man show. And there's a lot of that sort of it's all fun and games, but don't resist or you might actually get hurt. It's always a weird thing when a 300 pound guy has you on a sort of scissor lock. And he says, don't fight it. Because if you fight it, you could actually dislocate a hip or something like there's that element. It's sort of like movie stunts.

18:45 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It sounds like date rape.

18:46 Adam It's clearly.

18:48 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Don't cry for help.

18:49 Adam Yeah. Now this was just rape rape. And by the way, they should just call rape, rape, rape if they're going to use date rape. You know what I mean?

18:56 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce This is wrestling rape. So it's about W R A P.

19:01 Adam The point is, is it's like like a movie stunt in that, yeah, everything's planned out. There's a fire marshal and everything, but we're still setting you on fire.

19:10 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

19:10 Adam You know what I mean? So there's that sort of, this is all planned, but you're still getting hit with a folding chair.

19:14 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You're going to lose an eyebrow.

19:16 Adam Yeah. It is sort of, it is sort of scary. And when these guys get into character, it freaks you out. Even though, you know, it's like, it's like walking through a haunted house. You know, there's just some guy get seven bucks an hour, holding some giblets, you know, duct tape to his forehead. It's going to be, he still scares the ass out of you when he jumps out at you, right?

19:35 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I've done that job.

19:36 Adam The giblet job?

19:37 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce With Bobcat. Yeah. The haunted house job.

19:39 Adam Oh, really?

19:39 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, that's a bad summer job that he and I both had at the New York State Fair.

19:42 Adam Bobcat is a menacing character if you've ever seen him in real life. Guy wearing a cowboy hat, all these 5'6, and he's 140 pounds. He is a wrestler.

19:55 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce A grappler.

19:56 Adam Yeah.

19:56 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Grapplers. The wrestlers like to be referred to as grapplers, and the burlesque dancers like to be called peelers.

20:03 Adam Oh, really?

20:04 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Not strippers.

20:05 Adam See, when I was a wrestler, I was known as a bottom.

20:08 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce What was your wrestling? What was your wrestling name?

20:10 Adam Kid S's in his shorts.

20:12 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Sweet.

20:13 Adam Yeah. Yeah. It was just freaky enough to work.

20:17 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You know, were you and Kimmel a tag team or?

20:19 Adam We, Kimmel got like piled driven and really like hurt his back. You know, the worst part about pro wrestling is picture this. 300 pound dude covered in hair, just sort of hillbilly hair, right? He's shirtless or he's wearing, you know, coveralls with one strap undone and the next thing you know, he's got you in a headlock and your head is stuffed in his sweaty pit and he's jumping up and down with your head in his pit. Now, you don't really think about just the BO and funk part of wrestling, but imagine a 300 plus pound guy who's, you know, got man boobs and hair all over his body and you're going to wedge your head into the guy's pit. Now, the guy didn't just wake up from a long nap on an autumn day. He's been running around the ring. This guy's got a lather worked up. You shoved your head in this guy's.

21:16 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's like it's not the good kind of lather either. No, not the sweet smelling dial lather.

21:21 Adam No, it smells. It's got there's there's.

21:24 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And you can see down the front of his overalls.

21:26 Adam There's a little there's a little speed stick mixed in with the little like King Cobra mixed in with a little little speed from two weeks ago. It's just coming out of this guy's pit. And now for the rest of the day, the side of your head smells like the guy's pit. Great.

21:42 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce King Cobra meets King Kong.

21:43 Adam Oh, you never know what ever really factors in the super sweaty 300 pound pit guy thing. But all those headlocks and all those grabs, where do you think your head is?

21:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce These guys, I mean, they really do work like like you're saying, it really is work, you know, and these guys, I mean, I've seen guys, you know, they pound each other with chairs and and the great thing about Lucha Vavum is, especially if you're in the ringside seats, you're going to be dodging flying, falling giant pituitary cases with capes, you know, or if it's the mini match, you'll be dodging little people.

22:19 Adam Yeah, and blood and teeth and semen. Yeah, it's like a Gallagher concert gone horribly wrong.

22:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Except we don't hand out raincoats.

22:27 Adam That's right, you're on your own.

22:29 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce So this is a Gallagher 2 concert.

22:30 Dr. Bruce This is a family entertainment night?

22:32 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yes, this is a family. Bring the kids. Although, I go to see the lucha around town, like, you know, there's matches in Compton and elsewhere, and that's full of families. It's all Mexican families. It's like, if it was, you know, if it was honkeys, it'd be Disney on ice, but they're going to see Mexican wrestling and there's stroller parking in front of the ring.

22:56 Adam We protect our kids well into their early 20s. Oh, yeah. Mexican's luck. They're pregnant at 11. You might as well see some wrestling at 4.

23:04 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah. But what I think, I think Clifford the Big Red Dog is way creepier than pro wrestling. I'd rather have my kid watch wrestling than PBS.

23:12 Adam Healthier. All right. Let's take ourselves a break. We took no phone calls.

23:16 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce So far, so good. Is that because no one's calling?

23:19 Adam No, they're all calling. It's just I'm into... I'm into wrestling and SpongeBob. High liver count. Thinks about getting penis implants. All right, let's just...

23:29 Dr. Bruce This is the guy from last night.

23:30 Adam Let's take one quick call just to say we did it, Colby.

23:33 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

23:34 Adam 24.

23:35 How's it going?

23:37 Adam Good. You're thinking about getting a penis implant?

23:40 Um, actually, yeah.

23:42 They're pelleted implants.

23:44 It's not like an implant for me.

23:46 Adam Oh, those, those.

23:47 It's implants for, like, her pleasure.

23:50 Adam Yeah, so you can have, like, a dorsal fin on top of your penis, right?

23:55 Yeah, that's the idea.

23:56 Adam Yeah.

23:57 Dr. Bruce You have a qualified urologist looking into this for you?

23:59 Um, no. It's actually going to be, if I do it, it's a guy at a tattoo shop.

24:05 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah.

24:07 Adam Yeah. But look, here's the thing about women. Women barely like a smooth penis. You dress that thing up with a bedazzler and she may be out of there. You know what I mean? No one wants to seem like they're getting, you know, raped with a hollowed out fish, you know, that the Mexican plays. You know, they don't want a serrated penis.

24:25 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, Colby, yeah, rain it in, Shamu. Don't do it.

24:28 Adam Don't do it, Colby.

24:29 Dr. Bruce Yeah, some parts of the body have two of, like, your arms are like, they don't want to mess up.

24:33 Adam Yeah, look, it's just, I, here's all I'm saying. If you do some kind of weird, aggressive thing to your penis, it is going to attract a very small percentage of society, which is nuts, by the way, and repulse a much larger group. Yes?

24:51 Dr. Bruce Yes.

24:52 Adam All right. All right. Tom Kenny is here tonight. He's a pro wrestler. Yes, I am. Who's here from Mexicali. He's here to promote Lucha Vavum, which is going on at the Mayan Theatre in downtown Los Angeles, Wednesday and Thursday night. Bring the Mexican kids. And those you angle parents who don't want to take your white kids, I can rent you out some Mexican kids. You can bring them out. I know you feel bad.

25:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's 21 and over.

25:21 Adam Unacceptable. Is it?

25:23 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce The Lucha Vavum is.

25:25 Adam Oh, the other stuff.

25:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce The ones in the hood? Family friendly. I bring my kid.

25:29 Adam Fantastic. Well, now does your kid want to hear you speak SpongeBob all the time?

25:33 He's so over it.

25:34 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Like, Dad, could you please not do funny voices in front of my friends anymore? Right.

25:37 Adam He's humiliating me.

25:39 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, stop.

25:39 Adam Yeah. Yeah. You're like three blocks before the preschool. I'll get out here. Son, it's raining. I'm cool. I'll put the sports page over my head. I've got it. All right. We'll take ourselves a quick break. Be right back after this. Keep things up with new Durex warming condoms.

26:03 Caller There's sex, and then there's Durex.

26:20 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew and doing a great job. Tom Kenny here tonight. Lucha Favoum is what he's plugging Wednesday night and Thursday night out here at the Mayan Theater in Los Angeles. Also SpongeBob everywhere. And I know Tom's work from a little project called Windy City Heat. I worked with him on where he was absolutely magnificent as the gay clothe-er.

26:53 Caller That was you.

26:55 Dr. Bruce I saw that.

26:55 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce As were you, Adam.

26:57 Dr. Bruce Fabulous on that special.

26:58 Adam But Tom, he had a huge great scene. Do you now recognize him from Windy City Heat?

27:05 Dr. Bruce They're going to do some root.

27:06 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Without my fake mustache.

27:08 Dr. Bruce It's going to be on Nickelodeon.

27:10 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That's one of the greatest shows that no one's ever seen.

27:12 Adam Yes.

27:13 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce The funniest show no one's ever seen.

27:15 Adam Yes. Comedy Central did a wonderful job of baring Windy City Heat.

27:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce They did.

27:20 Adam They did a fantastic job. Yeah. People get angry when I run into them. And they're like, why isn't that? Because it really could have been Spinal Tap. Yeah. And it turned out to be nothing close to that.

27:35 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And there have been shows since then that have sort of springboarded from the same basic idea and done it not nearly as well, which is always frustrating.

27:44 Adam Yes.

27:45 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Because, boy, Bobcat's getting a lot of plug tonight, but he directed it, and Kimmel produced it, right?

27:51 Adam Yeah.

27:52 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Don Baris. Yeah.

27:54 Adam We produced it, but it was mostly Kimmel's work.

27:56 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce This is why I'm not further ahead in the business.

27:58 Adam That's fine.

27:59 Dr. Bruce I can't remember who.

28:00 Adam No. Kimmel did all the hard work. We just technically, I just technically had my name on it. But this is an excellent, excellent. And you know why I can say this? Because I just had a small part in it and did little bits and pieces in it. So I can say that this is one of the funniest, without sounding like I'm blowing smoke up myself.

28:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce No, it's really great.

28:21 Adam I didn't have anything to do with it. But it is one of the funniest movies that have come out in the last few years.

28:27 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, maybe a DVD. That's one of the few things that could come out on DVD. And you would actually watch the extras.

28:33 Adam Right. Yeah. Well, Windy City Heat is the name of it. And I don't even know how to find it. I don't even know where it is. But go on the Internet and see if you can find it.

28:41 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, there's some Wacko that's got it on.

28:44 Adam Tom is excellent in it. Thank you. Excellent. And let's get back to the phones.

28:50 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce We're taking one call an hour here.

28:52 Adam That's our promise to you, Mr. Carbon Tattoos. Wait a minute. High liver count. Oh, is this Cisco from last night?

28:57 Dr. Bruce From last night, right.

28:58 Adam All right. Cisco.

29:00 Hey, what's up?

29:01 Adam You're 25. What's up?

29:04 Caller Not much. This is my problem. I went to my doctor about a couple of weeks ago and basically she took a whole bunch of blood samples from me and they came back and like she noticed the numbers were regular so I had to go back for more blood work. And basically it came back and like my cholesterol was fine, white blood cell count was fine, red blood cell count was fine, you know. And she was running a hepatitis C count basically just to see, you know, like testing for it to see if I was positive or anything, you know, because I was having problems in my liver. And basically no. And she noticed that my liver count was at 55.

29:38 Adam What's your liver count?

29:39 I don't know.

29:40 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah. I've only got one.

29:42 Dr. Bruce The liver count, I mean, there's several different panels that are run on the liver. But anyway, the bottom line is you had some inflammation in the liver. Hepatitis C usually takes years before it shows up in terms of having abnormal blood tests in terms of liver damage.

29:58 Caller I am 25, so let me ask a little bit more.

30:00 Dr. Bruce Well, no, but I'm talking about many more years now. So it shows that you're having some inflammation or some irritation or damage to your liver. There are many things that can cause that. And at 25, it's more likely that it's another kind of hepatitis A, hepatitis B. But you haven't had any symptoms. It was just an abnormal liver test.

30:17 Caller Well, yeah, I mean, the only other problems I've had, I mean, I've had like vomiting sensations where like I'll be at work just sitting down at my desk, you know, and I'll feel like I'm in a vomiter swimming or I'll be sitting down playing a video game or like out with my friends or something, you know, and all of a sudden I'll just like feel like I'm going to hurl all of a sudden for no reason. And I don't usually, I mean, but...

30:35 Maybe you're pregnant.

30:36 Adam Yeah, more in love.

30:38 Dr. Bruce Okay, so your hepatitis C is negative. And if she did a panel, she probably checked your A and B.

30:43 Caller Yeah, she went over everything basically. What I'm just calling up about is, I'm just curious kind of like in a second opinion if it might be something else, because the thing is I don't really drink a lot that much. I do every once in a while. So I know it probably couldn't be that. And I'm wondering if there's something else that could maybe be.

30:57 Dr. Bruce It could be many other things. There are other forms of viral infection that, you know, something like mononucleosis. There are many things that can affect the liver. And that's just an abnormal blood test.

31:11 Adam How come you don't get mono when you're older? I'd like mono.

31:14 Dr. Bruce You'd like mono now?

31:15 Adam Yeah.

31:16 Dr. Bruce Because of the weights.

31:17 Adam And I was just jealous of those kids that got mono. Like, oh, my junior year I got mono. I missed six weeks of school. I'd stay in bed, watch TV and eat soup for six weeks. I'm always like, you lucky bastard.

31:27 Dr. Bruce Well, they call it the kissing disease. It's more common in adolescence.

31:31 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That's why I didn't have it when I was 16.

31:32 Adam Yeah.

31:34 Dr. Bruce So it's more common in adolescence where there are groups of adolescents in their closer quarters and it's easier to transmit that way. You can get it at later stages.

31:43 Adam You can.

31:44 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

31:44 Adam But do you build up a resistance to it or something?

31:47 Dr. Bruce Only if you've had it. You're not going to build up a resistance. But it's the way it's transmitted.

31:50 Adam Well, I was talking to Drew about it. And he said, as an adult, you just don't get certain things like you do when you're a kid.

31:55 Dr. Bruce Right. It's very uncommon, but it's possible.

31:59 Adam Yeah, except for we do have folks that are into a certain lifestyle.

32:04 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I saw the baby people on Springer.

32:06 Adam I see. You know, that's the whole thing about that goddamn real sex on HBO or Showtime or whatever it is. Each time I'm scrolling down the thing and it's, oh, real sex 2000. And I think, oh, this is going to be good. Some sort of some, yeah, some sort of wet t-shirt contest or something. And then it's cut to the super fat white guy in the diaper. Who's, you know, crying and being flogged by the baggy boobed chick in her 50s. And it's like, ah, that's a love up. Can't you guys put someone good looking on the show every once in a while? Does it all have to be this sort of macabre, occult stuff? Can it just be some good looking people get naked for a change?

32:43 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Does it always have to be the guy that lifts cinder blocks with his pecker? You know that guy?

32:47 Adam I know. Yeah, it's like, this guy's gonna hold up a Greyhound bus with a scrotum sack. It's like, ah, come on. You never see real sex?

32:57 Dr. Bruce No.

32:58 Adam Bruce, what do you see? And by the way, on the way home.

33:01 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce He's a doctor. He doesn't have leisure time.

33:02 Adam I passed 27 goddamn Magic Mountain signs with that old guy with the Swifty Lazar glasses. Do you believe this? Do you what the depths? Tom, do you understand what it's like sitting next to a doctor, whether it be Bruce or Drew every goddamn night of my life? I was making fun of the Magic Mountain bald old guy with the big glasses and the whatever.

33:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Looks like deep throat without his toupee.

33:25 Adam Bruce is staring at me going, I have no idea what you're talking about. No idea. Every billboard, every commercial, every bus for the last years. He's like, I've never seen.

33:38 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And if I know about something, it's ubiquitous because I'm a total troglodyte. I very rarely watch TV, you know, haven't gone out to a movie that doesn't have a happy meal tie in in years.

33:49 Adam Yes.

33:49 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce So, you know, if I know about something, it's huge.

33:52 Adam That's that's the point.

33:53 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And if they're even more in the cave than I am, it's terrible.

33:57 Adam Oh, he's been laden with a stethoscope.

34:00 Dr. Bruce Tom, may I say this? I fill in for Drew and I don't have to put up with this abuse every night the way Drew does. But Drew explains this to me that Adam just is intolerant. I can't share.

34:09 Adam Yeah, I can't accept it. Yes, sir. I was I was driving. I was driving home last night. I was driving home last night. I was talking on the phone and I was behind a pick up truck that had the now in Calvin and Hobbes. Which one is the boy? Calvin. That's Calvin.

34:29 Yeah.

34:29 Dr. Bruce All right. All right.

34:30 Adam That sticker.

34:32 Yes.

34:32 Adam Calvin. OK. Now, Bruce, you want to just leave the room? Yeah, I don't want to run on you.

34:38 Dr. Bruce Just shut my mic.

34:39 Adam Here's the point. There if you drive behind enough pick up trucks, you will see on about every eleventh one that that sort of silhouette cut out decal, it's not quite a bumper sticker of Calvin and Calvin on the window, right on the window, on the on the back window of a pick up truck. And Calvin is urinating on oftentimes the Ford Insignia. If the guy's driving a Chevy or oftentimes the Chevy Insignia, if he's driving a Ford once in a while, he's dragging across.

35:09 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, right. That is the weird one. I don't get that one.

35:12 Adam That is the weirder one.

35:13 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce The born-against that have appropriated this comic strip character, that the comic strip doesn't seem to have any religious affiliation.

35:20 Adam It's with a tiger. I don't know.

35:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's just like Calvin with the stigmata. You know, it's weird.

35:25 Adam All right. Have you ever seen this, Chris?

35:27 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yes. Yes.

35:27 Adam I have. Yes. The point is, is I saw one last night when I was driving home with Calvin. I don't know how the part where he's urinating on everyone, but there's that sort of arc of urine, that sort of solid skittles rainbow of urine, which is landing on the Ford Insignia or whatever. He pees on things he doesn't like, evidently. I don't follow the comic strip close enough to know if he actually urinates on things he doesn't like or that's just an invention of a very creative mind. But the point is, is Calvin is urinating on a sticker that says, Everyone.

36:01 Caller And I thought, wow, this guy, talk about antisocial.

36:06 Adam You can't even pick a truck make you don't like, he has to whiz on everybody. And by the way, that includes you too, bucko.

36:15 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That guy even hates his own truck.

36:16 Adam Yes, he's whizzing on you, your truck, your mom, your deceased grandparents, all of them are getting whizzed on. And I just thought, how antisocial is this guy when I'm in charge.

36:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce But at least he's making a stand. Like I hate like the magnet, the bumper magnet ribbons, you know, support our troops, you know. But, you know, the person that says, hey, you know, I feel sort of strongly about this, not strongly enough to mess up the Blue Book resale value of my car. The gum. I don't I don't want the gummy stuff on the bumper. But I will I will commit to a magnet.

36:46 Adam Yeah, I'm not going to take a straight edge and some lighter fluid to this. So I'm trying to sell it.

36:50 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Spongebob been misappropriated to peeing on them.

36:53 Adam Yeah.

36:53 Caller Well, you know, I haven't.

36:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You know, that's very interesting. I have not seen that yet, but I have seen a Spongebob.

37:00 Adam I'm sure that's someone's thought of that way more than once.

37:03 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I have. I haven't really seen anything like that, but I have seen like a lot of like good, like funny knockoffs, like like south of the border or places like that, where you'll go and there'll, you know, some roadside, you know, ceramic bank of Spongebob that's way off model with both eyes on the same side of his head, you know, wow, who couldn't draw a square? You know, yeah, and these people messed up a square.

37:26 Adam Yeah, it's good. It's great. You go shopping in Tijuana and you see stuff that's just a little bit off. Like, hey, look at that leather Pittsburgh Steelers bomber jacket. But the insignia is sort of upside down or something. I don't even know if they have to do it for copyright reasons or it's just everything seems to be a little bit off.

37:43 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, you go to Asia and the T-shirts are like, you know, American sport team, baseball, right?

37:48 Adam No, I saw number one. I saw it. We'll take no calls tonight. But I saw a video game. Jimmy and I were playing a video game once called Violence Fight. And I realized, see, bad translation, bad Asian translation. Everyone. It sounded good to everyone who was, you know, in, you know, Japan doing the thing, but didn't really translate. All right. So here's the point. I'm driving home and I'm yelling about you. Yeah. And I'm saying, Bruce, I'm talking on a cell phone. Bruce has never seen the Magic Mountain Midget running, the old guy running around dancing. It gives me the heebie-jeebies. And meanwhile, I come across Calvin taking a whiz on everyone. And I'm saying, oh man, I'm seeing this truck. And the person I'm talking to has never seen the Calvin sticker. So now I shift my vitriol toward that person. Like now I start yelling at them. What do you mean you've never seen it? Well, I just, you drive the Southland Freeways, do you not?

38:43 Caller Well, I do drive.

38:44 Adam You commute to work, is that so? Well, I just, well, what do you do? Stare at your feet when you drive? Of course you do.

38:49 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I don't want to live in this world. And then you pull up alongside and the driver is the little bald guy from the Magic Mountain ads.

38:56 Adam Oh, and it all comes together.

38:58 Dr. Bruce But remember everything happens for a reason.

39:00 Adam All right.

39:00 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That's the last guy you see.

39:02 Adam Tom Kenny is here tonight. Thank God Bruce knows Calvin urinating.

39:07 Dr. Bruce Thank God, yeah.

39:08 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, that strip was retired from newspapers like 12 years ago, wasn't it? That guy just gave it up.

39:13 Adam I have no idea. I just don't know who decided he should be adopted to urinate on truck insignia.

39:19 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah. Why him and not say Cathy or Marmaduke?

39:23 Adam Why not the tiger?

39:25 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Why not Hobbsie?

39:26 Adam Yeah. Why not Hobbs? It seems a more logical choice to urinate on things.

39:30 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Dick Tracy, he's wearing a raincoat, you know, it's a short slope, slippery slope.

39:34 Adam All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. Tom Kenny is here tonight, you know, from Spongebob Square Pants and also Lucha Vavum, Wednesday and Thursday at the Loveline Theater in downtown Los Angeles. Take a quick break. Be right back after this.

39:50 Caller Loveline, will be right back.

40:10 Adam Hey, everybody.

40:10 Caller Loveline.

40:11 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. Nicely.

40:18 Dr. Bruce So we're going to do our second call or our third?

40:21 Adam Tom Kenny here tonight.

40:22 Dr. Bruce Yeah, I love that kid.

40:23 Adam That's my mantra. Bruce filling in and Tom Kenny here. You know him as SpongeBob and a zillion other characters.

40:35 Caller Shut up! Shut up! I said shut up!

40:41 Adam Dr. Wagner is something he's working on which is at the Mayan Theatre 29th and 30th, Wednesday and Thursday of this week. And let's take a question for Tom. Jordan?

40:53 Yeah.

40:54 Adam What's up, buddy?

40:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Hey, Jordan.

40:56 Hi.

40:56 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce What kind of implants are you thinking about?

40:59 Adam One calf, one boob. Breaking it up. You know what I mean?

41:04 Nothing at the moment. Tom?

41:06 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yes, sir.

41:07 Hi. I was like, why does SpongeBob always come on for like a month and then is gone for like a year and then always comes back? Is the show going to be on solid now?

41:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I think so. I mean, I don't really know how network programmers think. You know what I mean? I don't know whether they think that maybe it's too ubiquitous and they need to pull it off the shelves for a little while so that it doesn't... I don't know whether there's strategy involved or just ineptitude. I'm not sure.

41:37 Adam What about the animation? Is it done overseas?

41:40 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yes.

41:40 Adam And how much lead time? I mean, it can be a year or nine months or something?

41:44 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, eight, nine months to a year. And it's the actual animation is done in Korea.

41:49 Adam And do we...

41:49 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce At a place called Rough Draft that does a lot of the animated shows. They're probably the biggest animation studio over there in Korea.

41:56 Adam But yeah, I don't know why.

41:57 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, it's weird. Like it kind of goes in and fits in starts. And I never know what they're thinking.

42:03 Adam Are they also... Well, like when you get picked up for a block of them, how many episodes will that be?

42:10 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce 13, you know, they'll just go up and go, Hey, we're doing 13 more half hours.

42:15 Adam And is, you know, I always wonder why we can't speed up the animation process a little bit. I mean, I know computers don't quite cut it these days, but wouldn't you have thought 10 years ago or 15 years ago when the Simpsons were farming everything out overseas that, okay, by 2005, we'll have some sort of computer program that spits this stuff out, or we can do it here stateside, or the turnaround time will be four months instead of nine months, but it still seems to be all about the same.

42:47 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, you know, it's like when you're in a movie theater and you walk past the projection booth and there's still like some big contraption with like big spools of film going, and it just seems like you're in 1908 all of a sudden.

42:59 Adam I thought we'd have like a probe up our ass and it would actually project it on the inside of our eyeballs by now.

43:06 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, you know, SpongeBob was traditional cell animation up until the last season or two, you know, like hand drawn animation. Now they're, you know, they're doing it computer.

43:15 Adam Oh, they are?

43:16 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Using computers to make it look like traditional cell animation.

43:19 Adam But it's still farmed out overseas.

43:21 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, well, you know, I'm sure there's business, business reasons for that.

43:25 Adam Well, I mean, a lot. I mean, I really Gifford. I always understood that the stuff was done overseas because drawing the cells was so painstaking and so time consuming that the idea of you're paying the guy nine bucks an hour as opposed to 26 bucks an hour, it's just that much cheaper.

43:43 Dr. Bruce Now, what was the flap with Disney? They did the Pixar and they got rid of all their animation people or?

43:47 Adam I don't know what that was.

43:48 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, I don't know. I just I just drive around town and make funny voices all day and go home to my cave.

43:54 Dr. Bruce I want to ask Jordan, Jordan, you're 15.

43:55 Adam Yeah, you should be focusing on on springing pubes and meeting young ladies, not when the next season of Spongebob is coming out, Jordan. No offense.

44:06 Caller Spongebob's choking over it.

44:08 Dr. Bruce So Jordan, I want to... Hello?

44:10 Adam Yeah, what's going on there, buddy? Virgin?

44:13 Um, yeah.

44:14 Adam Shocking.

44:15 Caller I'm also a Calvin Hobbs fan and in the comics he never picked on anything.

44:19 Dr. Bruce Why is he on every other pickup truck?

44:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, why him? Like, why did they pick on him?

44:25 Yeah.

44:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce There's a million other copyrights they could have infringed upon.

44:28 Adam Rex Morgan, MD.

44:30 Caller Maybe urinating on things.

44:32 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Mary Worth squatting over a Ford logo.

44:34 Adam Yeah, or Kathy. Look, drop a log in the Mopar emblem.

44:39 Dr. Bruce Jordan, are you...

44:40 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Lockhorns are risque.

44:41 Dr. Bruce Are you a closet Spongebob fan or is it in vogue to let your friends know you're into it?

44:46 Caller Well, you know, a couple of years ago, big fan. And then I keep on kind of... I always have kind of an eye out for it.

44:53 Adam All right. Yeah. All right. Nostalgia. And you're in high school now, though, right?

44:58 Caller Yeah. Just finished freshman year.

45:01 Adam All right. You're wearing long pants and everything. Braces are off. All right, buddy. Let's go now. It's time for the nance to drop and the voice to change.

45:10 Dr. Bruce You go to high school and be a Spongebob fan, but you couldn't couldn't say I'm at the Jimmy Neutron or something.

45:15 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, you know, Dora. Yeah. I mean, you know, the good thing of a Spongebob, and I'm as amazed by it as anyone seems to enjoy like enormous goodwill. Yeah, almost everywhere. Like parents seem to like it because it's not horrible. You know, like they can sit and watch it with their kids and it's not irritating. And, you know, stoners seem to like it. And, you know, I get letters from, you know, old people, like 95 year old people in old folks homes and guys in prison and people like Jordan.

45:42 Adam No stigma.

45:43 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, there's no stigma. Like he seems to get a free ride from practically everybody.

45:49 Dr. Bruce Well, what's with the dominance of Plankton of late?

45:52 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Huh? Oh, is Plankton featured in a lot of the episodes? I don't know. I think, you know, for just the writers going, okay.

45:58 Dr. Bruce Oh, those writers.

46:00 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce We're sick of these characters.

46:01 Dr. Bruce He's sort of a negative role model. Yeah.

46:03 Adam All right.

46:04 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Thanks, Jordan.

46:06 Adam Let's talk to Sean.

46:07 Caller I just want to say real quick, Sean, I'm a counselor in a camp every summer and the 17 and 18 year old seem to like Spongebob more than anybody else.

46:13 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

46:14 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That's cool. Yeah. But if an 18 year old is into Door of the Explorer, you're in trouble.

46:18 Adam Yeah.

46:18 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

46:19 Adam Yeah.

46:19 Caller They like punk rock and Spongebob.

46:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah. It's weird. It's because it was certainly not the plan. I mean, as far as we were concerned, we were making a children's show that was going to air on a children's network. You know, there was no thought putting, oh, let's synthesize a show that everyone will love.

46:37 Adam Right. And I wonder, though, we got to take a break. But it started off, I mean, five years ago, cable stations were, okay, chicks watch this one and kids watch this one and adult males watch this one. But I'm starting to figure out that people just can navigate the satellite dish and find the shows they want to find when they're on and they'll watch everything. I think all those sort of experts turned out to be sort of wrong in the sense that people can change a channel. They'll watch Comedy Central for a half hour and then they'll flip on over to Nickel Hoody and watch that.

47:13 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, it's lucky for me that, like, people seem to, like, at least in today's society, seem to just freeze in an infantile state that lasts their whole lives. Right. Which is good for us that do cartoons.

47:26 Adam We got to take ourselves a break. You got to get the Middle East some of that SpongeBob.

47:30 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, they love it.

47:31 Adam They would lighten up a little over there. We'll, uh...

47:35 No, not all right.

47:36 Adam We'll take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back after this.

48:12 Yeah!

48:13 Adam Finally, something Bruce can bang his head to.

48:15 Caller Thank you.

48:16 Adam It's Love Line, Poe Number 1-800-LOV. Tom Kenny is here tonight. You know him as SpongeBob, and also you can find him this Wednesday and Thursday at the Mayan Theater in downtown Los Angeles. Lucha Vavum is pro wrestling.

48:35 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Sex and violence.

48:36 Adam It's beautiful, beautiful, semi-naked women dancing. Bring the kids. Come on, Dad. Also touring around. We're going to be in Chicago, in Toronto, Vancouver, Seattle, San Francisco.

48:48 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Chicago on September 16th, which is Mexican Independence Day, I'm told.

48:52 Adam Oh, it is.

48:52 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That's what I hear. We were there on Cinco de Mayo and it was crazy. So, yeah, they're starting to take it around.

48:59 Adam Well, I'll tell you, let me just say something to our, we have a large Mexican fan base. Friday's coming up, Mexican Independence. Go ahead and loosen your tie and crack a beer. Enjoy. Come on now. You really have to convince these people that, you know, loosen up the tie, put down the slide rule and crack a beer. Stop holding back. And just enjoy yourself for a change. You know what I mean? It's Friday. It falls on a Friday this year. You know what I mean? Go to work and when you get home, go ahead and have yourself like one Miller Lite, watch a little TV. Let your hair down. Come on. I mean, don't be so uptight. We got teachers, people at a party.

49:35 Dr. Bruce There goes the fan base.

49:37 Adam What are you talking about? I'm saying, I'm supporting it.

49:40 Dr. Bruce You're right.

49:41 Adam Yeah. All right. What are we talking about?

49:44 Dr. Bruce Anarchy.

49:44 Adam Anarchy.

49:45 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Anarchy.

49:46 Dr. Bruce SpongeBob.

49:47 Adam Let's talk to Spongebob.

49:48 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Spongebob is anarchy.

49:49 Adam Sean on.

49:50 Caller I am an animal.

49:52 Adam Sean, 19, Sean. Oh, yeah.

49:57 Caller Oh, shut up.

49:59 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Only 19 and he can almost operate a phone.

50:02 Adam Sean, were you really doing a B load? Yep. Wow.

50:06 Dr. Bruce Wow.

50:07 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, that is anarchy.

50:09 Shut up.

50:10 Dr. Bruce This can't be a tattoo question.

50:12 Adam What's your question?

50:13 Dr. Bruce Hey, Sean.

50:14 Oh, it's I gave myself a tattoo about a year and a half ago and I made my own ink. It was out of ash. And I was wondering if it's possible to remove those.

50:28 Adam Why did you make your own ink?

50:31 I don't know. I just sort of got into it and didn't want to use normal ink because I thought it might be dangerous.

50:38 Dr. Bruce So you got a prison tattoo, basically?

50:40 Basically, yeah.

50:41 Adam What are they, what's a normal tattoo? What kind of ink do they use in normal tattoo?

50:47 Dr. Bruce Well, one of the problems is there's not a standardization process.

50:50 Adam It's all different companies make it. It's like Indian ink.

50:53 Dr. Bruce Indian ink is commonly used, but as far as the commercial grade, there's not a standardization. If you have colors, then it's usually like reds have a mercuric, a mercury compound or there's not a standard.

51:07 Adam So you made one out of ash.

51:08 Dr. Bruce That's the most common way of homemade.

51:11 Adam How do you do that?

51:13 Dr. Bruce You burn something and collect the soot.

51:15 Adam Right.

51:15 Dr. Bruce Mix it with something else that acts like a binder.

51:18 Adam Some people use toothpaste. That's it?

51:21 Dr. Bruce So you get a black. Good idea.

51:23 Adam Right.

51:24 Dr. Bruce Pasting material. Actually, those are very easy to remove. They respond very well. Yeah. That's the good news.

51:30 Adam Can you do another bong load for us?

51:32 Sure.

51:34 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Sean, what is the tattoo that you so nicely gave yourself?

51:37 Adam Tommy's doing a bong load.

51:38 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Oh, sorry. I'm just covering for you.

51:40 Adam Well, we'll talk amongst ourselves. But go ahead, Sean.

51:44 All right.

51:45 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce What's your tattoo of? I'll take my answer post-bong hit.

51:48 It's of a, let's see, it says still in love and it was just for a girlfriend. Who by the way is in love with SpongeBob.

51:57 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Shouldn't you have given her the tattoo?

51:59 Adam Yeah.

52:00 Yeah.

52:01 Adam Right. She got one that said, still laughing, Sean's friend. It was a little response.

52:08 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I want to see other people.

52:09 Adam Is he like, he rolled his sleeve up and showed her that. She pulled her pant leg up and showed her, they're still laughing. Your best friend. That would be funny if someone's ready with their response tattoo. But still in love is great unless it's still in love with Margaret.

52:28 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah. That's reusable. That's recyclable.

52:31 Adam Right.

52:31 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Her name doesn't appear in the tattoo, right?

52:33 Adam Right. Right. Sean, is her name in the tattoo?

52:36 No. All right.

52:37 Dr. Bruce See?

52:38 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Then all you got to do is keep that hidden from all your future girlfriends and just like unveil it at the precise moment, baby.

52:44 Dr. Bruce Right. On the second date, I did this for you.

52:46 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You're in.

52:47 Dr. Bruce Right. Right.

52:48 Adam Yeah. I know. Well, underneath that nicotine patch I've been wearing for six months, I got a tattoo. Yeah. Because obviously they're going to ask questions when it's covered up.

52:58 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah. You got to keep it covered. How come I never see you in short sleeves?

53:02 Dr. Bruce No.

53:02 Adam I'm modest. I have huge guns and I want to intimidate other men. Yeah. Track marks.

53:08 Dr. Bruce So Sean, you did this yourself, huh? Yeah. Were you loaded when you did it? Yeah. Okay. So the artwork's not exemplary, huh?

53:16 No.

53:16 Dr. Bruce Okay.

53:17 No, not really.

53:18 Dr. Bruce Yeah. That'll come off nicely.

53:20 Great.

53:20 Dr. Bruce A few laser treatments.

53:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce All right. Still has two L's.

53:25 Adam Is, uh, is, uh, Sean?

53:29 Yeah.

53:29 Adam What kind of bong do you have?

53:31 It's glass. About a foot tall.

53:35 Adam Yeah.

53:36 Dr. Bruce Is it a Tommy Chong bong?

53:38 No, it's not.

53:39 Dr. Bruce Mm hmm.

53:40 Adam Does it have a good solid base on it?

53:42 Yeah.

53:43 Adam So, you know, I have this theory that...

53:44 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Is that where you got your ash from?

53:45 Adam Bong, uh, bong manufacturers were like in cahoots with, uh, the Stanley Steamer rug cleaning company or the rug doctor or something, because every bong that I ever saw was four feet tall and had a base that was about an inch and a quarter and could immediately be knocked over, like someone would set it down on the carpet and it would immediately get toppled and then no place needed to be cleaned. Like, it was...

54:13 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Bongy Bubbler meets Stanley Steamer.

54:15 Caller It was...

54:16 Adam No, but it was like, it was like, you know, people say, listen, these, uh, these snack companies, they're in cahoots with the beverage companies. They make everything too salty. And the next thing you know, you have to drink a, you know, six pack of a cactus cooler just to take the edge off the pretzels. I think bongs and carpet cleaning companies are... We had a bong that was like the space needle in height, except for the base was like a nickel size. I'd have to get to climb up on scaffolding to use it, but it was just sailing across the room. Like you couldn't set this thing on one of those, those tape, one of those, one of those tables that NASA uses for, you know, one of the plum tables that they use, you know, several thousand pounds for it.

55:00 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Like the jar that Genie lived in.

55:03 Adam Yeah, it just goes, say, we had one that just was, it was literally three foot of like PVC pipe with a small dime size base on it, and we'll get knocked over every single party, it'll be falling water everywhere. And then that never, you know, it goes right into the padding of the carpet, the whole place smells like opium den for the next six weeks.

55:24 Dr. Bruce But you kept using it, right?

55:25 Adam Well, we were stoned. And here's the whole thing about stoners is you go, okay, I lost, okay, knock that bong over, never again. Now we've learned, and then just get knocked over the following weekend.

55:39 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Dude, that's another security deposit. I'm not gonna get back.

55:43 Caller Right.

55:44 Adam Bongs should be shaped like pyramids. You know what I'm saying?

55:49 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Maximum power.

55:50 Adam Maximum power and for stability.

55:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Getting stoned with the pharaohs.

55:55 Adam Yes, they should be really, they should be shaped like jack stands for your car, not...

56:00 Dr. Bruce Like an Erlenmeyer flask. That's what the medical students use.

56:02 Adam Right, right.

56:03 Dr. Bruce So they don't dump theirs over.

56:04 Adam That's right. Like that. They should have like 80 pounds of sand in the bottom of them in a bean bag, you know.

56:11 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce How often do you hear the term Erlenmeyer flask on the radio?

56:13 Adam I don't know.

56:14 Dr. Bruce I wanted to be a first.

56:16 Adam The point is, is they're shaped like, you know, bamboo, just growing in the wild, but with no root system, you know, just to go sailing over. You slam the door and it just goes sailing across the room.

56:29 Dr. Bruce What a great testimonial to the no effect in consequential thinking.

56:32 Adam Yeah. Thank you.

56:34 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Now with extra tippiness.

56:37 Adam I think they've wised up a little bit and they're making them a little bit wider at the base now.

56:42 Dr. Bruce No. Why did you throw Tommy Chong in jail? He's a nice guy.

56:46 Adam I have no idea why.

56:48 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Nothing better to do.

56:49 Dr. Bruce For his butt.

56:50 Adam I know. Look, he was selling. Okay.

56:53 Dr. Bruce Okay.

56:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I think they wanted to use him as an example to other comedians from the 1970s who wanted to start bond companies.

57:00 Adam Yeah.

57:01 Dr. Bruce Remember that Adam? Right. Yeah.

57:03 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Just in case David Steinberg or somebody wants to get into the bond business.

57:09 Dr. Bruce You know, Adam is a great metal fabricator.

57:11 Adam No, I'm not. Am I?

57:13 Dr. Bruce Yeah. I think you did in your BMW.

57:15 Adam I'm decent. I would call myself great.

57:17 Dr. Bruce He's very modest.

57:18 Adam Alexis?

57:19 Yeah.

57:19 Adam You're 17?

57:21 Caller I sure am.

57:22 Adam What's up, baby doll?

57:23 Caller Well, okay. I called about a year ago when Carney Wilson was on.

57:28 Caller Really?

57:29 Caller Yeah.

57:29 Adam Yeah. All right.

57:30 Caller We talked about my vibrator and I was still a virgin at the time. And I was wondering if I'd still like be able to have an orgasm without it when I did have sex. And I'm not a virgin anymore and I can't ever.

57:44 Adam You can't you can't have an orgasm ever without it.

57:48 Caller I can't without it.

57:50 Adam But what if you incorporated into the sexual act?

57:56 Caller Well, I don't know. I've been kind of weird about bringing that up.

58:01 Adam You don't want to freak.

58:02 Caller I mean, is that like a fan guy's like, does it like?

58:06 Adam I mean, you know, your stepbrother's going to have to understand that you have needs. No, I don't. I don't. It depends. It really depends on how evolved the guy is. How old is the guy? Nineteen. Is he does he seem uptight? Is he ask you questions about old boyfriends or is he sort of tightly wound? All right. Here's here's what I think you should do. You ready? Incorporate the vibrator, but make it his idea. How? Well, you're going to have to bring it up. You can't you can't use the one, you know, the sort of high mileage one that you keep in the sock drawer. You're just going to have to go out and buy you a new one. Okay. Yeah. I have mixed feelings about talking to 17 year old minors about this, but...

59:01 Dr. Bruce Oh, she's 17.

59:02 Adam She's 17, but she's sexually active. What are you going to do?

59:05 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Notice how the cartoon guy is totally sitting this way. Yeah.

59:07 Adam Yeah, go ahead.

59:08 Caller I'm kind of naughty talking about this in front of SpongeBob.

59:12 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I think Adam's right. Guys can get insecure about that, so you have to make it seem like his idea. Like just play the dope card. Yeah. I wonder if there's some sort of a device that would shake around or vibrate in a way that would increase.

59:29 Do they make anything like that?

59:30 Adam Right.

59:31 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Then he'll feel like Johnny Man of the World when he says, you know, baby, as a matter of fact, there is a product that would meet that particular need.

59:38 Adam Right. It's called a toaster oven.

59:40 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's called a toaster oven. Let's go open an account right now.

59:43 Adam Here's the thing, and let me explain both directions. I think what a guy doesn't want to see is you pull out something that looks like it's been, you know, around the world a few times that you may have used, certainly without him, maybe with other guys before him.

1:00:00 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Travel stickers on it like a police.

1:00:03 Adam Yeah, like Bugs Bunny's steamer trunk. You know when Bugs Bunny would smack the baseball so hard that it would actually circle the globe and come back with all the steamer stickers on it. Here's my point. Oh, what happened to the old cartoons, the classics?

1:00:16 Caller The classics.

1:00:16 Adam What happened to the classics?

1:00:18 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Now we got Spongebob.

1:00:19 Adam Oh, for the love of Christ.

1:00:20 Caller Killing on things.

1:00:22 Adam The point is, make it his idea. And for guys that are trying to get one incorporated into the bedroom when it's the guy's idea to bring one out, don't do that, honey, we're going to the dildo shop. You gotta go out and buy one. You gotta hide it. You have to break it out, not at the dinner table, but when things are getting intimate in the bedroom. You see, because if you just announce to most women, you know, at noon on a Tuesday, hey, we want to hit the sex shop, they'll be like, no, no, no, I don't want to do it. If you sort of slowly incorporate it into the act, when you're halfway into the act, they'll tend to go along with it.

1:01:05 Dr. Bruce Well, I think also you're dealing with concrete thinking adolescence and if she pulls something out, you know, there's going to be a direct comparison in size. So she doesn't want to get something that's too large.

1:01:14 Adam She, he's going to get it. That's my diabolical point and think it's his idea.

1:01:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce But don't turn it into a date, like the shopping experience.

1:01:23 Adam No, no. Dildos, Dildos, Dildos. And here's the...

1:01:27 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce We've been the leading name in Dildos for over 45 years.

1:01:30 Adam It's Dildo Dealing Days, calm down.

1:01:33 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Calm down to crazy Dildos.

1:01:36 Adam One dollar over MSRP. No credit, bad credit, foreclosures.

1:01:44 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's the biggest dildo auction in California.

1:01:47 Adam I like those. I love those auction commercials. Cause it's like that 55 foot cruiser, that vessel sold for one dollar because only one guy. Only one guy? Oh wow. Awesome.

1:02:01 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce All that weird stuff is at the Fairplex in Pomona.

1:02:03 Adam Yes. Yes.

1:02:05 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce At the Fairplex in Pomona.

1:02:09 Adam So here's the other thing too. And the other thing that's weird about women, which means they're totally different than guys, is women can have great orgasms with a vibrator on their own for years. But when it gets incorporated into the lovemaking, it doesn't work at all, which is something that guys could never understand. Do you know what I mean? It's like if you had something-

1:02:34 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's me, isn't it?

1:02:35 Adam Yeah. It's like-

1:02:36 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I know it's me. If you- I'm failing you somehow.

1:02:39 Adam If you dig, if you're a guy who digs watching porn, and all of a sudden your girlie says, yeah, no, go ahead and put some porn on while we do it, that's good on good. Right? That's even better. Women, not the case with the vibrator. Women is like, oh, it's awesome when I'm alone, but if he holds it, it doesn't work.

1:03:01 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You never want to preface going for the device. You know, you never want to preface that by saying, this isn't working. Hold on.

1:03:09 Adam Right.

1:03:10 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And then rummage around, you know, in the closet, you know.

1:03:13 Adam Right. Yeah. Draw me a bath. Let me just mop up.

1:03:17 Hold on.

1:03:19 Adam We're going to the bullpen. Yeah. Let's go and put your windbreaker on and hit the pine.

1:03:24 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce What's the matter? What can I, is there anything I can do or say?

1:03:28 Adam That's fine. So make yourself a sandwich. Watch yourself some SpongeBob. Draw me a bath. I'll be out in a short tent. Bradley? You're 26?

1:03:40 Caller Yeah, sorry.

1:03:41 Adam What's up?

1:03:41 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Gesundheit, Bradley.

1:03:42 Caller Thank you. Well, I haven't had sex for about four years now. And I seem to remember, sorry guys, I seem to remember my penis being a lot bigger than it used to be. And I'm just wondering if there's atrophy of the penis because it hasn't been used in a long while.

1:04:04 Adam Well, you haven't had sex in four years, but you have seen your penis, have you not?

1:04:10 Caller Right, and that's my point is that it looks...

1:04:12 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You're allergic to it apparently.

1:04:14 Caller It looks smaller than it used to be in my mind. Like when it's flaccid, it looks smaller than it used to be. And I don't see it erect all that often because I don't masturbate.

1:04:27 Adam Why not? First off, we could never hang out, ever. That's number one. Number two, why, look, is a 26 year old male, you should see your erect penis every morning as you whiz into the sink. That's right. Great diving board, Seth.

1:04:48 Dr. Bruce What else is going on? Have you been depressed or had some sort of trauma?

1:04:52 Caller No, no, I think I did.

1:04:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce He hasn't had sex in four years. Of course he's depressed.

1:04:56 Dr. Bruce Right. Stupid question.

1:04:57 Adam Well, wait a minute. Hold on. I don't understand. Do you have a medical condition?

1:05:03 Caller I don't think so.

1:05:05 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Maybe it's just an innie.

1:05:08 Adam How do you not have an erection every morning as a 26-year-old male?

1:05:13 Caller I see it like erect like once in a while, but like in the morning, like obviously, if I did have a direct, I'm pretty asleep, so I don't really pay attention. I just kind of pee in the dark, I guess.

1:05:24 Adam All right. Hold on a second. I have to sort you out without you cluttering my thought process.

1:05:30 Dr. Bruce A lot of guys just don't pay attention to that or...

1:05:33 Adam No. Is that true? Is that possible? I do the water displacement test with mine every morning for graduated cylinder, just like your Bunsen Beaker.

1:05:46 Dr. Bruce Well, that's what he's doing.

1:05:46 Adam And they drop it into it. Something is wrong with Bradley. Yes?

1:05:53 Caller Yeah.

1:05:53 Dr. Bruce And it's not penis size.

1:05:54 Adam No.

1:05:55 Dr. Bruce There's something else going on.

1:05:56 Adam Bradley.

1:05:57 Caller Yeah.

1:05:58 Adam Is this a put on? I mean, is this a bogus call? Or if you really rarely see your erect penis?

1:06:03 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce He's turning to you for help, Adam.

1:06:05 Caller I see it like, you know, as often as somebody would, you know, just having like in the morning or something. But my question is more about the flaccid state.

1:06:13 Adam No. But what about masturbation? When's the last time you masturbated?

1:06:18 Caller About two and a half years ago.

1:06:20 Adam Two and a half years ago.

1:06:22 Dr. Bruce Are you? I don't want to ask that.

1:06:24 Adam And why have you stopped over the last two and a half years?

1:06:29 Caller I think I got to a point where I just didn't really, I didn't really look forward to it. Like it was fun, but then I just kind of felt convicted because I didn't want to do it anymore.

1:06:39 Dr. Bruce Is it a religious thing or?

1:06:41 Caller Yeah, mostly, I guess.

1:06:42 Caller Yeah.

1:06:43 Adam What's your religion?

1:06:45 Caller Christian.

1:06:47 Adam And did you rediscover, were you born again or something?

1:06:53 Caller Yeah, I mean a long time ago, but I just kind of got to a point where I didn't want to do it anymore.

1:06:58 Adam Wow, wow.

1:06:59 Caller I don't miss it or anything, but I just noticed that like my penis, when it's small, it's smaller.

1:07:06 Adam I understand you're obsessed with that, but what about, and we're not answering because there's no answer to that, but what about the, you must have nocturnal emissions.

1:07:15 Caller Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1:07:17 Adam Yes.

1:07:17 Caller Yeah, I do. Yeah.

1:07:19 Adam So here's the part I don't really understand, because really that's like God giving you a hand job. That's like God, that it really is. It's God saying, look, buddy, if you're not going to beat it, I'm going to.

1:07:29 Caller Yeah.

1:07:30 Adam Somebody's going to, someone's going to give you a beat.

1:07:32 Dr. Bruce If we can equate God and nature, that's certainly true.

1:07:34 Adam Yeah.

1:07:34 Dr. Bruce You can have variations in your testosterone, and testosterone is going to vary depending on, I would say, sexual activity, especially exercise, things like that. But it's going to be a very minor variation in your penis size. Especially in the flaccid state, it's not something you're going to.

1:07:51 Adam Bradley.

1:07:52 Dr. Bruce Yeah. I'm more concerned about, so you haven't been in a relationship, even non-sexual, but not romantic.

1:07:59 Adam What's going on in the girly department?

1:08:04 Caller I had a lot of relationships when I was younger, like in high school and early college, and I kind of saw that I wasn't, I was pinned to waste too much energy into that, and so I just want to focus on my studies and not making my life about like a girlfriend at the time, so I figured I'll get to that later on.

1:08:22 Adam Yeah.

1:08:22 Dr. Bruce Well, life's about balance, so I, you know.

1:08:25 Adam What are you studying?

1:08:27 Caller Computer technology, like working with architecture.

1:08:32 Adam You do that CADS program? Yeah.

1:08:34 Caller Yeah, CADS.

1:08:35 Caller Computer, anime, anime.

1:08:37 Adam And architecture myself. Bradley, here's what you need to do. You need to find yourself a woman. You need to start dating. You need to sort of re- you know, integrate yourself back into society a little bit. I mean, four years without relations, you're not masturbating for Christ's sake. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

1:08:58 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Were you wanking more when, before you were born again?

1:09:03 Caller Um, well, that happened when I was eight, but I didn't really stick to it.

1:09:09 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, okay. So that should that- so that's just an old day job that you used to have. That whole born again phase. You're done with that. Okay. So that's not the culprit anymore, hopefully.

1:09:19 Adam It isn't the culprit anymore?

1:09:20 Caller No, no. I mean, I, I, like, I got, I became a Christian when I was like in elementary school, but then I would do things like I have sex with my girlfriend and masturbate and so on. And then right around the time I was 22, then I decided, or 21, I decided I didn't want to do that anymore.

1:09:35 Adam So. Yeah. All right. Well, let's get back. Well, come on, give Satan a second shot. Yeah. Come on, give him a second look. He's not such a bad guy. Here, here's, here's, here's the thing. I, I'm from sitting next to Dr. Drew long enough. I, he has sort of shut down his testosterone production because he has no outlet for his seed. I mean, as a, as a male, aren't you, don't you need this to create testosterone? Aren't you going to, do you know what I mean? Does it, does your body, you know, it's almost like his nuts are hibernating.

1:10:11 Dr. Bruce Right. He's going to have a, he's going to have a decrease in it. But I mean, there's not going to be a huge variation in baseline testosterone. I don't think the issue is the size of his penis related to his testosterone level. I think there's something else going on.

1:10:22 Adam Yeah.

1:10:22 Dr. Bruce He's got his age.

1:10:23 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce But when he does have an orgasm, it's going to be huge.

1:10:25 Adam Oh my God.

1:10:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Gusher. Holy cow.

1:10:28 Adam Listen, we have to start passing the hat.

1:10:30 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Be like the end of Giant.

1:10:31 Adam For the Relief Fund right now.

1:10:33 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce James Dean just covered.

1:10:35 Adam Gusher.

1:10:36 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Well, he's so he's sublimating and he's been working on his studies. But at some point.

1:10:41 Adam Yeah. It's going to be awesome when the when the food time goes floating down the street. The Sea of Seamen.

1:10:48 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce The Semen Tsunami.

1:10:50 Adam People up on their roofs. Guys using motorboats to get around. Yeah. She's just dogs clinging to tree trunks. It's awesome. We get John Cougar does like a relief concert. Nelson gets out there. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. Let me ask you a hypothetical. I was just thinking about this the other night. I was I think I was watching St. Elmo's Fire, which was on a few nights back. Bruce, don't even join this because you've ever heard of anything. You don't know whatever I'm saying.

1:11:27 Dr. Bruce I'm not like, you know, five.

1:11:29 Adam OK, buddy.

1:11:30 Caller Wow.

1:11:31 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Before you withdrew from the world like our caller, I was.

1:11:34 Adam Yeah, I was watching Rob Lowe play the sax in the pivotal fight scene at St. Elmo's Fire. And I thought, what would you rather have? Like in terms of someone had something like an embarrassing on you. Gay porn that you've done, like in the early 80s or an 80s coming of age film where you had to play the sax.

1:11:53 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:11:54 Adam Like that thing where you just had to rock out and sort of play the sax to the soundtrack and you just look like the biggest.

1:12:00 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Chuck Connors or Rob Lowe.

1:12:02 Adam Right.

1:12:02 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Which one's it going to be? Yeah.

1:12:04 Dr. Bruce Or Bill Clinton.

1:12:05 Adam Middle 80s, just 1985. You got the tie up around your head and the sleeves cut off. You're wearing some tight designer jeans and you're just playing that movie sax and rocking to a bad 80s sort of keyboard driven song.

1:12:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce But that's the thing about this town and this business. Well, answer the question. Nobody's embarrassed about anything in this town, right?

1:12:26 Adam So you're going gay porn or you're going air sax from the 80s?

1:12:30 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Boy, boy, if, if, yeah.

1:12:32 Adam Just think about what your hair is going to be looking like.

1:12:36 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Bring on the gay porn. Probably bring on the gay porn, Adam.

1:12:39 Adam Good, good call. I shall. And yeah, probably probably wearing one of those working for the weekend type headbands too. Little Loverboy headband, maybe a vest, maybe a vest with no shirt on underneath it, some boots, you know, creepers. Awesome. All right. We're going to take ourselves a little break. Tom Kenny's here tonight. Also, Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce, filling in quite nicely for Dr. Drew. Tom Kenny is here tonight, known as Spongebob and a thousand million zillion other characters, both on and off camera. Yeah, huge. My life with Morrissey.

1:13:42 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce What is that? It's that weird one, the stuff that prints out when you type your name onto a computer.

1:13:49 Adam Right. Wow. Wow.

1:13:51 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce These are shorts. I'm basically a guy that can't say no, Adam. That's what that very thick resume means. I'm not good at saying no.

1:13:58 Adam Yeah. No, why not though? Here's the thing about voiceover work. It's easy, you don't have to put on any makeup, you show up, you get a little paycheck, you go home. Listen, I know is Commander Nebula. Oh yeah, Starfleet Command for many years.

1:14:14 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce See, people think it's easy and then they show up at a Spongebob session and see me screaming like James Brown for four hours, the veins popping out of my head and they're like, oh okay, you sort of do work, kind of.

1:14:24 Dr. Bruce So your friends bring their kids to watch those sessions.

1:14:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Oh yeah, yeah, it's scary. I mean, a bunch of actors in a windowless, airless room screaming.

1:14:33 Dr. Bruce What happens if a kid sees Spongebob cursing?

1:14:35 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Oh, I think you're talking, they wind up in trauma. Where's up the cloven-hooked friends of darkness?

1:14:42 Adam Do you, by the way, for a kid, should you, I know it's a great, it's great to go see Spongebob being voiced over, but should you do that to your kid? You know what I mean? Isn't it sort of like seeing the Easter Bunny with his head off?

1:14:57 Dr. Bruce I was thinking that when my five-year-old called me on the way here and he said, can you ask Spongebob to put his costume on or his uniform or whatever? So he realized that you were the voice. It was bizarre. And I said, well, can you call in and ask him? He goes, no, dad, you got to ask him. So I was thinking the same thing. It's got to be traumatic.

1:15:15 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, it has to be a kid who's old enough to understand that cartoons are voiced by grown up people, grown up actors who make the funny, that cartoons are drawings. They have to understand that cartoons are drawings and not real things.

1:15:27 Dr. Bruce I've caught him watching Cartoon Network after 10 at night.

1:15:30 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Don't Swim.

1:15:31 Adam Animated in Korea and voiced by guys who didn't get laid in high school.

1:15:36 Caller Exactly.

1:15:37 Adam But that's all right. They're printing money now.

1:15:41 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Sound a little jealousy there.

1:15:43 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Now look at me. Now I'm hosting Lucha Va Vum.

1:15:45 Adam That's right.

1:15:46 Caller That's it.

1:15:47 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce See kids?

1:15:48 Caller That's it.

1:15:48 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Don't listen to your guidance counselors. Make funny voices. Host wrestling shows.

1:15:52 Adam That's right.

1:15:53 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I've had to do some career days and it's like me and the ROTC guy and the FBI agent and a computer programmer and then the cartoon voice guy who never did a day of college. And you're like, did you guys know about any of this when you invited me to career day?

1:16:08 Dr. Bruce Yeah. Tell them drop out and hang out with Bobcat.

1:16:12 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Make money doing all the things you got yelled at for in school.

1:16:15 Adam Listen, I did. There's nothing better. I actually spoke to the business students at the business school at USC.

1:16:22 Dr. Bruce Oh.

1:16:23 Adam And did an hour with those guys. You get to blow hard for like an hour. It is awesome.

1:16:30 Dr. Bruce And they're trying to ask intelligent questions.

1:16:31 Adam Yes. And I've just like, my ass doesn't stink for a whole hour while a 19 year old to just look up to me.

1:16:36 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Unless you're Arnold Schwarzenegger, then you get booed for the entirety of your speech. That was a great clip.

1:16:42 Nurses and teachers make too much money.

1:16:44 Caller Boo!

1:16:46 Adam Ben?

1:16:48 Caller Yes. Hey, I was, um, Adam!

1:16:50 Adam Carolla! Oh, Tom is going to love this. Yeah. Tommy, you gotta work this in his crop.

1:16:55 Caller I said shut up!

1:16:57 Adam Here's the thing. I want the game Marco Polo. Yeah. Not the game. I don't want the game modified at all. I like the game. I want the Marco Polo name change to Adam Corolla.

1:17:09 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I like that. Yeah, it's time for a change.

1:17:11 Adam Summer's heating up.

1:17:13 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You know, Marco's had his, you know, he explored the world. He had his little day.

1:17:16 Adam Yeah. 900 years that WAP's been in the ground.

1:17:19 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Time for a change.

1:17:21 Adam It's time for a change. I'm also the plate America also starting a smear campaign that says he was like a pedophile and a racist.

1:17:29 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Never left his backyard.

1:17:30 Adam They owned slaves back then and all that stuff. And you know, that all his all his all his travels around the world, that unsubstantiated.

1:17:39 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It's like Baron Munchausen.

1:17:40 Adam That's right. A lot of hearsay. Ben?

1:17:43 Caller Yes, I had a question for Tommy, but you already kind of covered it with his extensive career. I had seen in Comic Book the Movie where they actually filmed at San Diego.

1:17:54 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yes.

1:17:55 Caller And one of the things I was wondering now, though, a new question. Have you ever autographed body parts?

1:18:04 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce No, I don't think I ever have. I have not had the Lykissian experience of autographing a like a boob or something like that.

1:18:13 Caller Yeah, yeah, but...

1:18:14 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce No, you know what?

1:18:15 Caller No one's...

1:18:16 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce it's just never... it's never come up. Luckily, no one has ever asked me. I get a lot of, you know, a lot of color forms, sets, and beach inflatables, coloring books, but never a boob.

1:18:32 Caller Ah, okay. Adam, I'll probably call back in a couple of weeks when I'm at Anthrocon, a furry convention.

1:18:39 Caller Oh, really?

1:18:40 Caller Maybe give you a deal, give you a little down on what's going on there.

1:18:43 Adam Yeah, I'm interested. Please do, that those furry conventions, people dress up like chipmunks and they hang each other.

1:18:50 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce We have a lot of fun. Don't knock it. It's a lot of fun. You meet some interesting people. You know, I had sort of a weird furry type experience, you know, down in front of the Chinese theater there on Hollywood Boulevard where they have the... you know, the... your favorite characters from films and television. There's a Spongebob guy.

1:19:08 Adam Oh, really?

1:19:08 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And kind of a grungy...

1:19:09 Adam Yeah, it's always sad because Aquaman is just wearing yellow sweats and he's got a load in his pants and it's weird. Everything, everything's... Is there anything sadder than a superhero in a sort of effed up thing with a lot of dingleberries and stuff on it where the guy's not really filling it out? He's wearing a fanny pack and he's smoking. It's a disaster and he's not wearing the real boots. He's just got street shoes with like Tom McCann's vinyl spaght thing wrapped around.

1:19:41 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Like a Santa Claus costume that you buy at Walgreens, the fake boot toppers.

1:19:45 Adam Yeah, that stuff needs to be sanctioned.

1:19:47 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, I walked by the SpongeBob guy. It was my wife and kid and I. We were walking down. We were seeing something at the Kodak or something. And the SpongeBob guy kind of, I'm like, he seems to be coming over here. But I'm a voiceover guy. There's no way. Right. He probably can't even see out of that costume, let alone recognize me who I'm not even an on camera person really. And he just got closer and closer and it was kind of creepy. And it was obvious that he was following us. And then he sidled up to me and like right through like the nose of the costume, which is where his mouth was inside it, said, I know who you are.

1:20:28 I know who you are.

1:20:29 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Wow. It was just, I still think about it.

1:20:32 Adam It probably feels like you need to be eliminated.

1:20:34 Yeah.

1:20:34 Adam So the real spunk block could take over.

1:20:36 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Exactly. Sometimes at four in the morning, I still wake up screaming with that memory.

1:20:41 Adam Yeah.

1:20:41 I know who you are.

1:20:43 Adam I used to, I almost took a job in the early 90s with a place called Party Pals. Where you had to dress up as like ninja turtles and stuff and go to kids' parties. And 50 bucks a pop, you go to the kids' party and dance around like one of the turtles for a couple of hours. Yeah.

1:21:01 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Those people earn their money.

1:21:02 Adam They had this awesome rule where you had to put the turtle head on before, block away, because they couldn't see you pulling up, holding the turtle head under your arm. You had to figure out how to drive the car with the turtle head on for the last two blocks. It was a disaster.

1:21:16 Dr. Bruce What was the deal killer?

1:21:18 Adam The deal, what ended up happened, well, the deal killer for me is my buddy Paul was going to an audition for Party Pals. You could have been Batman, you could have been one of the Ninja Turtles. Now, I'm sure you'd be SpongeBob. They take these poor out-of-work actors, they pay them 50 bucks to go to a kid's party. But you got to go pick up the uniform and swab it out and then return it. And it's like, but to an actor, it's like, well, I'm not slinging hash and I'm not digging ditches. This is kind of an acting gig. I'm entertaining at a party. Yeah. So I went down to, so I was like, where are you going? He said, I'm going down to audition for this party palace thing. So I was like, all right, I'll go with you. So we went down to this little room in Encino, and we all showed up and it's like the super serious guy, like, look, not all of your party power material, and we're going to separate the weed from the chaff. It's like, listen, Dilweed, I don't even want to be here. So we did that stupid improv game.

1:22:25 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce No.

1:22:26 Adam That stupid, well, they wanted to see if you could think on your feet, and there's this horrible improv game where it's like you start a machine, just a machine that's like at the beginning of a conveyor belt, and then people sort of attach themselves to, so you're like, oop, bop, oop, bop, and the other person comes in, wink, wink, bop, oop, bop, oop, bop, before you know it, all 12 people have joined in to create some sort of weird mechanical machine that all feeds off the last guy, so I'm just sitting there and it's like, here's your biggest nightmare, you don't want to go first in the retarded machine thing because you're standing for 20 minutes going, oop, bop, you don't want to be the on switch of the machine. Right, if you go last, you're up there for eight seconds and they immediately break, so naturally I'm like, please Christ, please God, no, please, no. Adam, you want to step up here? Come on up here. So I'm standing up there in front of 12 equally miserable people. It's like, you want to start your machine thing? And I'm like, I didn't even want to be here. I didn't even want to be here. So I start doing like a stupid sort of half-hearted physical motion, like, all right, but I'm not making any sound. And I'm just standing up there for like 10 minutes. I'm just doing a thing. And I said to the guy, do you want me to make a sound? And he goes, it'd be nice.

1:23:44 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Now, at that time, did you know that you were a party pal washout, that it just wasn't going to happen?

1:23:48 Adam I was like...

1:23:49 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Your dream was escaping you?

1:23:51 Adam What happened was I went through the audition. Thank God the whole machine thing got cut short when some chick decided to get creative and get under a table and start doing something, whack their head on the metal bar underneath the table.

1:24:04 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Thank God for head injuries.

1:24:05 Adam Put a dent in her forehead and the whole machine ground to stop the conveyor belt.

1:24:09 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Yeah, that's a big investigation.

1:24:12 Adam So they actually called me and I just thought, no, you know what, I'm a carpenter. I have a skill with dignity I can fall back on. And I let my buddy pay for that.

1:24:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I hired a C-3PO guy for my kid's party a couple years. And it was when Star Wars was kind of at a low ebb, so you could tell that the C-3PO, it was dusty, like it literally had dust on it, like the guy hadn't busted it out in a while. And then he pulled up in like a Datsun or something, and asked me to come and help him into the costume, which he hadn't worn in a while, so he was a little portlier than the last time he wore the costume, obviously. He's going, and he goes, could you pull it, pull it tight, pull it tight. Oh, okay, I'm out in front of my house. And he's going, ow, ow, ow. I said, sorry, am I hurting you? No, that's okay, tighter, pull it tighter. And then suddenly you're involved in this weird S&M thing that's happening out in front of your house, in front of your neighbors. And no matter what the character is, they do magic tricks and balloon animals. So there's something so weird about a robot that comes in playing the Star Wars theme on a boom box that the robot himself is holding. And he's the robot that makes balloon animals and does magic tricks.

1:25:17 Adam So it's this unholy marriage. I can only imagine like Mrs. Kravitz, who lived across the street looking out the window, honey, honey, Tom is raping a robot.

1:25:31 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Exactly.

1:25:32 Adam All right, Tom, can you hear tonight? Yeah. What happened to that sitcom convention where they had that thing where the husband read the newspaper and wouldn't believe all the crazy things that the nosy wife was when she'd look out the kitchen?

1:25:45 Caller Well, come here.

1:25:46 Adam Yeah, sure. Doris. All right, let's take ourselves a little break. Dr. Bruce here filling in for Dr. Drew. And we'll be right back after this.

1:25:58 Caller We'll be right back.

1:25:59 Please hold.

1:26:19 Adam Hey, everyone.

1:26:20 Hey.

1:26:22 Caller It's Loveline.

1:26:26 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce The great Vic Mizzi.

1:26:28 Adam Tom Kenny. How much he loves Green Anchors.

1:26:33 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce The best show ever. And great score. Listen to that Vic Mizzi score. And you never hear a Clavinet anymore, like that weird instrument that goes, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

1:26:43 Adam Right. Now it's been replaced by Kenny G's Woosette.

1:26:47 Dr. Bruce I saw the Spongebob theme is the greatest.

1:26:49 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Oh, thank you. Well, it's, you know.

1:26:51 Dr. Bruce Is that on a ukulele?

1:26:52 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce A public domain sea shanty with a ukulele and a traditional Hawaiian lap steel.

1:26:57 Dr. Bruce Oh, I love those. Yeah, like a steel guitar.

1:27:01 Adam Let's burn through a couple of more calls. Yeah, in for Drew. Becky.

1:27:07 Yes.

1:27:07 Adam 18.

1:27:08 Yes.

1:27:09 Adam What's up?

1:27:11 Um, I'm kind of in a situation where I have this boyfriend, but he lives with his grandparents, but his ex-girlfriend, who he was with for about four years, she lives with his parents. And it's very weird because about like last year, I'm on the phone.

1:27:31 Adam All right, hold on. Let me, let me sort this out.

1:27:33 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce He lives with his grandparents?

1:27:34 Yes.

1:27:35 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And the girlfriend that he used to see lives with his parents?

1:27:39 Yeah.

1:27:40 Adam Wow.

1:27:41 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce That's not weird.

1:27:42 Adam How did that happen?

1:27:44 I don't know.

1:27:46 Adam Why, why doesn't he live with his parents?

1:27:49 Because he got kicked out because he wasn't getting along with his sister. That's just weird because.

1:27:55 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Nobody gets along with their sister.

1:27:57 Adam This could uh.

1:27:59 Dr. Bruce Yeah, yeah. Okay. So it's a very chaotic family.

1:28:01 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Listen. That's all we need to hear by the way to know. I just have just a picture of what chaos is going on in this family. But Becky. And this is your boyfriend?

1:28:13 Yes. This is my boyfriend.

1:28:15 Adam All right.

1:28:15 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce And they liked his ex-girlfriend enough that they kept her.

1:28:19 Yeah.

1:28:20 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Check their own kid out.

1:28:21 Adam Becky, please do me a favor and do not exit or enter the vehicle for at least 15 seconds. Please. For the love of Christ, by the way. So is this guy? This guy sounds like a troublemaker. Is he?

1:28:35 No, he's not a troublemaker. I don't know why he got kicked out of this house. His parents need money basically for rent.

1:28:40 Adam Right. All right. So he's an A student who's bound for Brown University. Where's he going? How old is he?

1:28:49 He's twenty one and he goes to Rio Hondo College.

1:28:52 Adam Rio Hondo, the junior college named after John Wayne Mooney. What could be worse? That's pretty bad. And by the way, what's he think he's doing over at Rio Hondo?

1:29:04 He's supposed to be taking psychology and philosophy.

1:29:09 Adam Right. He's going to be there forever.

1:29:12 Yeah.

1:29:12 Adam Yeah.

1:29:13 Basically.

1:29:15 Adam Right.

1:29:15 But my question is basically like last year on October I was seeing him too, but then he stopped seeing me to see this girlfriend that lives with his parents now. Not his girlfriend, but his ex. But he stopped seeing me for her. And then that's when he moved into his parents' house. But she still lives there and he's not with her anymore.

1:29:37 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce But when he starts seeing his ex-girlfriend again, she becomes his girlfriend. And the ex goes away.

1:29:42 Adam Right. And then you get the ex.

1:29:44 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce She's in active mode.

1:29:46 Adam Right. She's been activated. So here's the thing, Becky. You're 18. You sound like you got more on the ball than this guy. He's going to junior college. He will be there forever. So what's your plan? Do you really want to be with this guy?

1:30:04 Dr. Bruce No, no, no, no, no.

1:30:06 Adam No. And what are you doing? You're 18. Are you graduating high school?

1:30:10 Caller Yeah, I already graduated.

1:30:11 Adam And what's the plan?

1:30:13 Caller I was planning to go to college too, but I'm also going to go to junior college. But I'm in a situation where...

1:30:20 Dr. Bruce You're in a situation.

1:30:22 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Why would you stay with somebody that's...

1:30:23 Adam By the way, hold on. Let me just say this, I'll hold your ears, engineer Chris, who's, I don't know, who's 29 and still going to junior college. Please hold your ears.

1:30:32 Dr. Bruce It's good times, man.

1:30:34 Adam Look, all people who are planning on going to junior college, why don't you save yourself some time, hit yourself on the head with a frying pan or an iron skillet, and throw yourself into the La Brea tar pits. It's a much more fruitful activity. If you just want to fester somewhere for 10 years and not get anywhere, why don't you do it over in a beautiful setting over on the Miracle Mile there in Wilshire? Can't you just dump yourself into a pit filled with tar, or do you really have to just hang out with stoners who couldn't cut it in college?

1:31:06 Dr. Bruce But Becky's chasing this guy who intermittently dumps her, and she's wondering why.

1:31:10 Adam Becky, you need to find, you need to get a job. What are you into? What do you like? Hair, nails? What are you into?

1:31:17 Caller Well, I want to go to Carpentology school.

1:31:19 Adam That's what you need to do.

1:31:22 Caller Okay.

1:31:22 Dr. Bruce So Becky, you're in a relationship that's abusive by definition. You got to get out of this and you got to find out why you're attracted to a guy that's-

1:31:29 Adam Go to beauty school and forget this guy. Is your dad not around?

1:31:34 Caller No, I never met my dad.

1:31:37 Adam Shock-ing. So this guy becomes your dad. And how about your mom? Just a cavalcade of crappy boyfriends?

1:31:45 Caller I actually don't know my mom either. I live with my grandma.

1:31:47 Dr. Bruce Okay, have you gone to therapy? Have you gone to a counselor just to talk over what you're doing? Because you're making choices that are going to ruin the rest of your life. You're not ready to pick a guy. You're not ready to- And this guy is just going to be a disaster.

1:32:02 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce You need to get away from straight men for a while. So I think cosmetology school is the perfect joint to hide out him.

1:32:07 Dr. Bruce And there's wisdom in that advice.

1:32:09 Adam Becky, I'm going to go on a limb here, but I'm almost never wrong. Junior college, abusive boyfriend, doesn't know either parent, living with grandparents. You're Jewish, aren't you, Becky?

1:32:20 Caller No, I'm not Jewish.

1:32:23 Adam I tell you, I'm a hundred-

1:32:26 Dr. Bruce Adam's never wrong again.

1:32:28 Adam I'm never wrong on this one.

1:32:31 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Next time for sure.

1:32:32 Caller Wow.

1:32:33 Adam Wow. Knock me over with a feather. All right. Well, Asian?

1:32:38 Caller No, I'm Hispanic.

1:32:42 Adam I can't believe it. There goes the list.

1:32:46 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce It defies the numbers.

1:32:49 Adam I just got to go back and recalibrate. Everything I know is wrong.

1:32:52 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce See?

1:32:52 Adam Everything I know. Becky, forget about this junior college. You go to beauty school and forget about this guy. All right? Don't get pregnant. Your parents were drug addicts. That doesn't mean you're not worth loving. You understand?

1:33:09 Dr. Bruce So, Becky, do you understand that just picking this guy indicates there's a severe problem here?

1:33:13 Adam That's enough. Look, her parents both abandoned her.

1:33:15 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:33:15 Adam She's got to get some therapy. Forget junior college. Forget about it. When I'm in charge, we're just going to turn them into prisons. And I'm not even going to move out the populace of the college. They'll be in.

1:33:26 Dr. Bruce What about the junior colleges that advertise a high rate of transfer to UCLA?

1:33:30 Adam High rate is 4%.

1:33:32 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, junior college, isn't that just like, I'm not ready for senior year to end yet?

1:33:36 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:33:36 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce I want to go through my senior year for a few more years.

1:33:38 Adam I don't want to work. I don't want my step mom to kick me out of the house. I'm going to go waste away in junior college for a few years and do nothing.

1:33:44 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Well, I figure out my plan.

1:33:46 Adam Who are you kidding yourself? The reason you guys aren't in regular college is because you're horrible students. You think that's going to change when you go to junior college?

1:33:53 Dr. Bruce No.

1:33:54 Adam You're wasting your time.

1:33:55 Dr. Bruce Did you know the guys that they go through, get loaded for a couple years, get a 2.0 average, and not tell the next college they went to that they'd been in junior college partying?

1:34:02 Adam All I'm saying is we act like we're doing everyone a favor and we applaud. I'm the only one who ever yells at anyone to get the F out of junior college, stop wasting my tax money. Everyone's like, oh, you're going to college. That's wonderful. No, it's not.

1:34:15 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Junior college, high college.

1:34:16 Caller Sorry, Chris.

1:34:16 Adam Get out of there. 29. Still going to junior college. Get out.

1:34:20 Caller I turned off my headphones.

1:34:21 Adam It's an abyss. All right. Take yourselves a quick break. Be right back after this.

1:34:33 Caller Okay. Yeah.

1:34:59 Adam Great Tom Kenny, everybody. What a thinker. He's practically, he's risen to the, he went from SpongeBob to Socrates in like the last three minutes because he agreed with me.

1:35:09 Caller SpongeCreates.

1:35:11 Dr. Bruce My five-year-old's still waiting for you to say hi to him. Say hi to him. JoJo.

1:35:14 Caller Go to bed, JoJo.

1:35:16 Caller Go to bed.

1:35:18 Adam JoJo is.

1:35:19 Dr. Bruce You guys say happy birthday to Libby, too.

1:35:20 Adam Oh, to who?

1:35:21 Dr. Bruce Libby.

1:35:22 Adam Happy birthday, Libby.

1:35:23 Dr. Bruce Good, now their minds have been perverted.

1:35:27 Adam Libby's 44. She's just the same normal voice.

1:35:31 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce She's like the character that Rosie O'Donnell played in that made for TV movie.

1:35:34 Adam That's right.

1:35:34 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce She's kind of sitting on the bench, the park bench. How old is Libby, really?

1:35:38 Dr. Bruce She'll be, she turns nine in one minute.

1:35:40 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Alright, one minute to go. It's countdown, Libby. Alright. Sorry to compare you two.

1:35:46 Dr. Bruce I'm going to go find her.

1:35:48 Adam Alright, Tom Kenny, everyone.

1:35:50 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Lucia Vavoum. Lucia Vavoum, what a show. We got the human tornado, we got Chilongo. It's an unbelievable couple of nights of wrestling and burlesque action. We got a Rochica, we got, there's too many, there's too much to mention. You got the paper there, Adam.

1:36:06 Adam Alright, show's over, so until next time, this is Adam Crawford, Dr. Bruce saying mahalo.

1:36:12 Tom Kenny with Dr. Bruce Worship the Clovenhoof Prince of Darkness.

1:36:16 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, June 27, 2005