Episode 1000717390074

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:01 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:04 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

1:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:17 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Love Line, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. Call number 1-800. Dr. Bruce, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist, tattoo removal specialist, laser treatment specialist, dermabrasion specialist, ER specialist, yes?

1:42 Drew Yeah, I'd have to say so. I haven't done ER in a while, but.

1:46 Adam Bruce is a thousand times better than Drew. It's just Drew comes in a much nicer package.

1:51 Drew If this is Drew, you're going to go to jail, buddy.

1:54 Adam He doesn't sound like you're drunken dad giving you a talking to. Use the mic. Let's shake things up and have you use the mic this time. Normally Bruce speaks into a shoe tree, but tonight let's have you use the mic.

2:10 Drew All right.

2:10 Adam What do you say, buddy?

2:11 Drew All right.

2:12 Adam Bruce, I'm a big fan of Dr. Bruce because Bruce knows his ass. Drew, don't futz with it. Let's get up on the mic. Don't touch it. Quiet. That didn't hit you.

2:24 Drew You have good insurance.

2:25 Adam Here what I'm saying is some doctors are like lawyers. You ever talk to lawyers and you start scratching the surface and you realize they don't really know that much or they deal in this pseudo science. There's no black and white, no up, no down. When they're all done, it's like, well, it just depends what the judge says. You know what I mean? It's very unsatisfying.

2:48 Drew Yeah. You're not implying Drew's that type of doctor.

2:50 Adam He's got a little that. Oh my God.

2:52 Drew Drew's got depth.

2:53 Adam Little that and paranoid too.

2:56 Drew He's a good internist. Paranoid makes a good internist.

2:59 Adam Look, let me tell you something. He was telling me he got this and he's like a Nancy boy. He got this hernia surgery a couple of years back and he came in here after three weeks on a gurney and he was just whining. He just kept whining about how bad it was and how painful it was. And then I had to get the same surgery and he took a certain pride in telling me, Oh man, don't plan on doing anything. Oh, you know, believe me, there's pain, you know? And when the doctor's talking this way, it freaks you out a little bit. He told me to be prepared to do nothing for a week and to be in pain for, let me tell you something about that, Puss. I was up early the next morning, swinging glass doors, no problem at all, felt great.

3:45 Drew I had mine about four years ago. I was out for five to seven days and I was waiting for you to have yours because I was going to-

3:50 Adam You were in YouTube praying that I, Drew was praying that I was crippled.

3:55 Drew I was praying to be crippled for at least a few days.

3:57 Adam Yeah.

3:58 Drew But no such luck.

3:59 Adam Yeah.

3:59 Drew Yeah.

4:00 Adam No, I felt good. Then I got mad at Drew because he had me all built. You know what it's like when you're going in to get surgery and your colleague doctor gives you a, I had the same thing. Look out.

4:13 Drew Called hanging black crepe.

4:14 Adam Yes. Here's the thing too because you think he's going to water it down a little. Like you think even if it is bad, you're going to get the, you know, it's like any procedure. There's a little discomfort, but you'll get through it. Now he was like, oh no, you're going to wish you were dead.

4:30 Drew Yeah.

4:31 Adam You're going to pray that you just stopped breathing in the middle of the procedure.

4:34 Drew Adam, I'd hate to say you're a know-it-all, but you know, it's one of those things that's not a serious procedure and a lot of us were sort of hoping you'd be in some significant pain.

4:40 Adam I know you were. Keeping your tongue depressors crossed. But no such luck.

4:46 No.

4:47 Adam I had the procedure at 5 in the afternoon and at 7 a.m. I sprung to my feet and started swinging doors. Yeah, I heard. But then you didn't come into work like two days after that. No, that was another. That was my sweaty head. That hurt. The ball sack thing, nothing. Sweaty head operation. That was a big deal.

5:08 Drew Yeah, well, they collapse your lung for that and everything, don't they?

5:09 Adam No, I don't know what they did, but it hurt. But here's the thing. No, I didn't miss anything with the, you know, with the the hernia thing, I think I got like on a Friday because Saturday I was swinging the door, so I definitely didn't miss anything. Thanks, Anderson. Hey, Anderson, if you want me to pay you that money, oh, you better be quiet.

5:26 Caller Scott, there was a time.

5:29 Adam There was a time, but it's not the time we're talking about.

5:32 Caller Dip, I'll check my records, buddy.

5:33 Adam Please check your records, modify them if it can help your story. Scott? Scott?

5:41 Caller Hello?

5:42 Adam You're 18?

5:43 Caller Yes, I am.

5:44 Adam What's up?

5:45 Caller Well, see, I just moved here from Washington State. I was in foster care. And I come back and I find my mom. She's this alcoholic and she's-

5:54 Adam I already don't believe you, Scott.

5:57 Caller Well-

5:58 Drew Okay, well, let him finish.

5:59 Adam Really? I didn't believe him two syllables in.

6:02 Drew You're a lot better than me at bogus calls, but-

6:04 Adam All right, keep going, Scott. But the foster care part is an interesting twist.

6:08 Caller Well, see, the thing is, my mom divorced my dad. She's not straight in the head. And she's married to my stepfather, who beats the crap out of her every day. But the thing is, she still goes back to him. And I want to try to help her, but I don't want to destroy her marriage because I want her to be happy.

6:27 Adam Yeah. Scott, is this a bogus call?

6:29 Caller No, it isn't.

6:30 Adam Do you know the Geneva Convention of Bogosity? You're familiar with that. By that convention, you must fess up if I call you on it.

6:41 Caller Oh, yes.

6:43 Adam You're not fessing up.

6:44 Caller Trust me, this is not a bogus call.

6:46 Adam Okay, because let me explain just all the bogus callers out there. Here's how the great magnet works. Forget about God or Allah or any of those bozos. You should worry about the great magnet. If I call, if you call me and tell me, you know, you have polio or you have AIDS or you have cancer and it's a bogus call and I call you on it and you say, no, no, I actually do have AIDS, then of course we proceed as if you do.

7:11 Drew Right.

7:11 Adam If it is a bogus call and you didn't fess up, you will get AIDS.

7:15 Drew Right. Karma.

7:16 Adam No, no. Bruce will track you down and hit you with an infected syringe.

7:20 Caller Yeah, right.

7:21 Adam That's not just karma. You can drive your karma over to their apartment, stab them with that junkie syringe.

7:25 Caller Okay.

7:26 Drew So Scott's got some serious chaos going on.

7:28 Adam Wow. And Scott, you were in foster care?

7:31 Caller Yes, I was in foster care for eight years.

7:34 Drew So now why did you get taken out of home in the first place?

7:37 Caller Well, see, when my mom first married my stepfather, he was he's also an alcoholic and he was very abusive. And I used to run away from home a lot. And they just finally said that enough is enough. And they put me in care.

7:50 Adam How was that foster care?

7:52 Caller It is not fun. Right now, my brother is still out there. He's my twin brother.

7:59 Drew Was it not fun because it was structured and regimented and good for you or was there abuse there?

8:06 Caller Well, it's I was moving from house to house and I lost a lot of contact with my other siblings. And, you know, not only that and, you know.

8:15 Adam All right, Scott, this is the wise one talking. First off, I thought I always thought it'd be cool if you were a foster family named Foster. Would it be cool? Yeah. It's my foster. No, it would be a constant source of confusion.

8:31 Drew More chaos. That's what they need.

8:32 Adam Still, it would be funny if you were the foster family.

8:36 Drew Probably 10 of them.

8:36 Caller I would agree.

8:37 Adam Yeah. Did you stay with any families called the Fosters?

8:41 Caller No, but I actually had a case worker. His last name is Foster.

8:45 Adam Awesome. So here's the thing. You're 18, right?

8:48 Caller Yeah.

8:49 Adam You're not going to be able to do anything to save your mom. The best gift you can give to your mom is to do well in life. And eventually, you know, you buy her house like a black athlete.

9:00 Drew Scott, are you drinking or using right now?

9:02 Caller No, I don't believe in smoking or drinking. I can't stand that stuff.

9:07 Drew Okay. What tends to happen when you come from that kind of chaos and you have the genetics for addictions like you obviously do, you're going to seek to either rescue somebody and get into a compulsive addictive type rescuing situation or else you're going to get into the chemicals. Have you gone to Allateen or Al-Anon?

9:25 Caller No. Okay, you're Mormon?

9:28 Drew You got to go to something that addresses the direction you're headed in already. You're already wanting to find out how to save and fix your mom. And it's in Scott. There's an endless stream of people that you could fix.

9:40 Adam Scott, get a job. Don't go to junior college. Promise me you'll not go to junior college.

9:47 Caller No, I'm not going to junior college.

9:50 Drew Scott, promise me you'll go to a couple of Al-Anon meetings in the next week. That's what he's got to do.

9:55 Adam All right. And just get a job and start making some money and get a roommate and get out of the house.

9:59 Drew Getting a job is not going to address the chaos he's come from, the addictive disorders in his family.

10:04 Adam I know. But we know what he needs to do. He needs to come home tired.

10:08 Drew Yeah.

10:08 Adam Know what I mean? Guys are like, you know, it's like my dog. I got to run my dog around a little bit, otherwise the dog's up all night. Teenage boys are that way. You got to run them around.

10:18 Drew Yeah. But Scott will go get a job somewhere where he's helping people. You know, he'll turn into like a lot of doctors and nurses go into helping professions. They have a lot of the same, saw the same tendency. So before he goes out and gets a job at a bar, goes and gets a job somewhere where he's going to be rescuing people he needs to get.

10:33 Adam Do they let nurses wear any kind of tennis shoe now? Or are they still going to wear those creepy beige ones with the two pieces of Velcro on the top?

10:41 Drew A lot of a lot of Birkenstock type.

10:43 Adam Oh really?

10:45 Drew That's a dude dude dudes and gals.

10:48 Adam A lot of confused sexuality amongst the nurses. Would you say male and female? Strange breed. If I just said to you, I'm setting you up with a nurse friend of mine. How fast would you run?

11:02 Drew I've got to keep my mouth shut.

11:04 Adam But you know they're nuts, right? The only nurse I'll accept is a huge black man.

11:09 I do know my ex-wife.

11:11 Adam The other ones scare me. I don't know why. I don't mind a huge massive black rosy greer type nurse.

11:19 Drew Nursing. Let me just say this. Nursing is a great career for anybody. It's good money. Yeah. You're licensed within a couple of years. You're out making good money. You're good hours.

11:29 Adam You wear those creepy flesh-tone shoes, the big bulbous toe. All right. Yeah. How comfortable do they really have to be? If you think about, the nurses are like, well, we're on our feet all day. Well, what about traffic cops? They wear nice patent leather shoes.

11:44 Drew Yeah.

11:45 Adam They're under construction workers, wear a nice boot. Who else? Everyone's on their feet all day. What are you talking about?

11:51 Drew Nobody's stopping them. Why don't they?

11:52 Adam I'm just saying, and I'd like to see nurse. You know what you should do? You should get a shoe sponsorship at the hospital, like a basketball team. Reebok or Nike in there.

12:03 Drew Yeah.

12:04 Adam Air nurse. You know what I mean? Like a high top nurse's shoe. Well, with a pump in it. Yeah. I mean, just something decent. All I'm saying is, when you go to the hospital, you look at people's feet a lot because they're all wearing the same scrubs. Everyone's wearing the same thing all the time. So you look down their feet in order to sort of identify them. And there's a lot of creepy shoes. And I don't like the Birkenstocks either. You know why? Because I think Birkenstocks is a German shoe. And I don't like to think about Germans, because then I start thinking about Nazis and weird World War II Dr. Mengele type experiments.

12:38 Drew It doesn't remind you of the hippie thing.

12:40 Adam I don't like the hippie thing. I don't like the idea that the guy's getting high in the parking lot before he comes in and puts my catheter in. I don't like that idea. And I don't like the hippie thing. And I don't like the Birkenstock Nazi, you know, Dr. Mengele thing either.

12:53 Drew Yeah. I don't know where you've been. There's a lot of specialty companies now making special shoes.

12:57 Adam Well, I like... How about you do something in the blue instead of that weird creepy beige?

13:02 Drew Okay.

13:02 Adam Sid?

13:03 Oh, yeah.

13:04 Adam You're 22?

13:06 Caller I sure am.

13:06 Adam What's up? Germany or Florida? Here we go.

13:09 Caller Yeah, a little early, but here we go. An eight-year-old girl was raped and tossed in a trash bin with near death as officers pulled her out from under chunks of concrete, 72 pounds, according to police reports released Thursday. The documents detail the girl's abduction and sexual assault, allegedly by a teenager staying in the same house she was visiting. Police discovered the girl in the trash bin at a landfill, May 22nd, about seven hours after she was reported missing from her mother's home. She was found partially clothed with what appeared to be the impressions of a footprint on her back, according to the reports. The girl did not initially respond when an officer who spotted her hand and foot in the rubble began yelling and shaking the bin, the report said. She began wiggling her fingers after another officer arrived.

14:00 Adam A feel-good story of the year.

14:02 Well, a rapist.

14:04 Adam Yeah, it feels very Floridian.

14:09 Drew Tractons, landfills, living in somebody's house, other people living in the house.

14:14 Adam Yeah, the whole gang rape thing. I do know this is definitely the work of Jews or Asians. I'm never wrong about this.

14:25 Drew Yeah, OK.

14:25 Adam Yeah, probably Jews, probably a roving Jewish gang. Yeah. So, Sid, we're both going Florida on this one.

14:34 Caller Both of you?

14:35 Adam Yeah. Both meaning me and Bruce.

14:38 Caller No, no.

14:40 Adam All right.

14:40 Caller OK, it's Florida.

14:43 Adam Yeah.

14:44 Caller Thank you.

14:45 Adam Thanks for trying to talk us out of our correct answer, jackass. Both of you? OK, and believe me, that would have worked on Drew.

14:54 Drew He switched his answer?

14:55 Adam Yes. Yes.

14:57 Caller Oh, horrible instincts. It would have totally worked.

14:59 Adam Drew. Yeah, Drew blows in the wind. He'd make a great politician. He always always looks at me. What are you going with? Yeah, he doesn't know what to do.

15:09 Drew Who has a better percentage?

15:13 Adam Our percentage, I would say, we're about the same. He's been a little better than me over the last few months merely because I've been trying to give the opposite answer that he gives just to kind of mix things up a little.

15:26 Drew Contrarian view.

15:27 Adam Well, it's no, no, because I believe in great radio, not good radio. And and the thing is, is if we, you know, you go Florida, I go Germany, then he gives the answer. It's a little more interesting when there gets to be a victor instead of both picking the same side of the coin. See what I'm saying? We're going to flip this coin. What side do you want, Bruce?

15:46 Drew Heads.

15:47 Adam Heads? I'm going heads too.

15:48 Drew Yeah.

15:49 Adam You know what I mean? Bad radio. Us even talking about it.

15:52 Drew That was just so Florida.

15:53 Adam Bad radio.

15:54 Caller Yeah.

15:55 Adam Florida.

15:55 Drew Yeah.

15:55 Adam Because you had the staying with and the the, you know, the horrible gang rape and everything.

16:01 Caller Yeah.

16:02 Adam The Germany's Germans got, they have their own kind of crime. It's not that crime. All right. Let's see. Let's talk to Adam, who's 21, Adam. Yeah. What's up?

16:13 Caller Not much.

16:14 Adam All right. What's your question?

16:16 Caller I was wondering, my wife was going to use a dildo on me and I was wanting to know if it would mess up my insides or whatever. Because I've heard a lot of stuff like.

16:29 You know who this is, Corolla?

16:31 Caller Isn't this the guy from the Crank Anchors? Isn't this the one that you called and you and Drew and he did the urban thing?

16:37 Adam It really does sound like the guy we call in the Crank Anchor thing. You want to do a little compare and contrast. But it's also sort of basically the sound of white trash, which is a universal sound. Go, keep going, Adam. I'm repulsed and intrigued.

17:00 Caller Well, I just want to know if...

17:03 Adam Hold on a second. Your name cannot be Adam.

17:08 Caller Yep.

17:09 Adam That is a made-up name. Really? Your name is... Your parents gave you the name Adam? Start calling me Alan, would you, Bruce? Okay. So, she wants... See, here's the thing. If your wife suggests using a dildo on you, it's either a very nice compliment or a real slap in the face. 90% of the time, slap in the face. I mean, it's a little payback time, right?

17:37 Drew Could be.

17:39 Adam Well, you know what I mean? Just... What percentage of the time is a chick trying to bring a guy pleasure and what percentage of the time is it payback time? Do you know what I'm saying?

17:49 Drew Yeah, that's a loaded question, which I won't answer.

17:51 Adam Hey, Adam.

17:53 Caller Yeah?

17:54 Adam I don't trust your wife. I'm not even sure if I believe this question.

18:01 Caller It's true.

18:02 Adam It's true. And what do you think could happen to you if she did that to you?

18:08 Caller I don't know. I've heard it gives you runs.

18:11 Adam Now, what about trauma to that area, Bruce?

18:14 Drew Yeah, that's a distinct possibility. It depends on the size of the dildo. Oh, really?

18:20 Adam You definitely want one that's longer than it is big around.

18:24 Drew Yeah. Yeah. You know, you don't want to stretch out.

18:26 Adam You don't want to shape like a can of tuna.

18:28 Drew No. So something too large, you know, if he's tensed up...

18:31 Adam You want a hockey puck size one.

18:33 Drew Right. You can definitely get anal bleeding. And if you get further inside, you could cause a rectal tear. So you want to use plenty of lubricant. You want to be very relaxed.

18:45 Adam How do you tell someone to relax though when this is being administered to them?

18:50 Drew Well, I've heard you give the same advice to, you know, when a woman's using a...

18:55 Adam What should you do? Have a wine cooler and take a sitz bath?

18:59 Drew Similar advice to anal sex. Okay. So lots of lubricant, being relaxed, because you're putting something there that can definitely... That area, there's a lot of very...

19:10 Adam Yeah.

19:11 Drew I've had anal sex and I've passed out a couple of times.

19:13 Adam All right. We haven't gone to break yet. Here's the thing. You don't trust a guy who's into this or a chick who's into doing it to a guy, do you?

19:22 Drew Well, I would wonder what's going on in the marriage. I mean, how long have they been married? Is it boredom or is it just... It doesn't sound like she's wanting to pleasure him. And Adam?

19:30 Caller Yeah.

19:30 Adam You two kids getting along okay?

19:33 Caller Yeah, we're cool.

19:34 Drew How long have you been married?

19:36 Caller Going on two years in July.

19:38 Drew Okay, is the sex life sort of slowed down and this is something to pick it up or what do you think?

19:43 Caller Yeah, that... I don't know, we were doing it like rabbits there for a while and then just slowed down.

19:51 Adam Well, you kids are going to last forever by the way. When you're starting to wind, starting to pack up the tent at 21. By the way, this is why you don't get married as a guy at 19.

20:02 Drew Yeah, big mistake.

20:03 Adam Yeah. All right, sorry for planting that demon seed. How's work going, Adam?

20:08 Caller Going good. Got a good job and everything.

20:10 Adam You do something involving a forklift?

20:13 Caller Nope.

20:14 Adam What do you do?

20:16 Caller I work in a factory, but I don't do a forklift.

20:19 Adam But you've been hit by one?

20:21 Caller No.

20:22 Caller Okay.

20:23 Adam What do you do at the factory?

20:26 Caller Make bottle caps.

20:27 Adam All right. Talk about life in the fast lane. I don't know why you settle down at 19 when you work in a bottle cap factory. You're like James Bond.

20:35 Caller I had a baby.

20:36 Adam Oh, I see. All right. Because let me tell you something. I remember when I was single, even when I was on MTV, I used to tell people I made bottle caps. If I could get a little tail. It'd be like, hey, aren't you the guy from MTV? I do a little basic cable once in a while. But I'll tell you what I do during the day, ladies. I stamped in bottle caps.

20:56 Drew Yeah. Is that like working with metal?

20:59 Adam It's the main difference between a twist off and a pop top. Sure. I work the main press. That thing's operating over 2,000 PSI. It's called, what's it called? Perforated. Yeah, that's perforated. You're a dick to a lot of people on the air.

21:23 Drew I like that. Where'd that one come from? Good work, Anderson.

21:25 Adam All right. Don't encourage him.

21:27 Drew Maybe he met his wife there, or do you think he used that as a line to pick him up?

21:31 Adam Yeah, she's a Shirley Feeney. She put her glove on one of the bottles, and then they did the schmizel and schmozzle. She rode on the handlebars to the bike. Hey, Adam? Where did you meet your wife?

21:45 Caller Met her up at college.

21:47 Adam Met her at co... Community college? No, what kind of college? Bottle camping college?

21:53 Caller No, that's not living now.

21:56 Adam No, okay, no, I don't want to make fun of your livelihood, but... But, uh, I'm a pop-top man, myself, would you do... do you do the screw-top ones, or do you do the ones where you use a bottle opener?

22:07 Caller Screw-top.

22:08 Adam Screw-top. For, like, uh, domestic beer, right? Okay, let me ask you a couple of questions. Can't we just go ahead and agree on which one this country's gonna use? You know that thing where you're, like, at a party, and you drink a couple Miller Lights, and it's like... You know, you do the thing with your hand, and then you grab an Amstel Light, and you cut your hand on it because you're drunk, and you're trying to twist the thing, and then it's like, who's got an opener? Hey, dude, give it here, and some guy's whacking it on the side of the counter. How about we use the twist-top on everything? What's the big deal? It works, right?

22:42 Drew Yeah.

22:42 Adam Can we just...

22:43 Drew But some of those twist things are...

22:45 Adam It's, like, they don't work. Hold on, Wuss.

22:48 Drew Some of the bottled water stuff.

22:49 Adam No, no, no, look. No, that's a bottled water. I'm talking about the beer.

22:52 Drew Oh, okay, the beer.

22:53 Adam I'm talking about the beer. Could we just...

22:54 Drew They're all twist off, aren't they, on the beers?

22:56 Adam No. Are you high?

22:58 Drew Domestic beers?

22:59 Adam All the domestic stuff.

23:01 Drew Yeah.

23:01 Adam I think all the domestic stuff is twist off. But except for, I don't think, like, a Sam Adams is a twist off. You see? And Heineken, Nott, and I-I-I-Bachs. I'd have to go down the line.

23:15 Drew You're right.

23:16 Adam Grohl's got that nice pressure cap that could pop that thing on there. I need a cold one. It's going on. I need a broski. Let me talk to Adam. Adam?

23:26 Caller Yo.

23:27 Adam What is the rule with the twist versus the pop top? Is it all domestic beer is a twist except for maybe like Sam Adams and some of the micro bros?

23:39 Caller Uh... Really can't answer that.

23:43 Drew Nice.

23:44 It's amazing what people don't know.

23:45 Drew Does he make twists or pop tops?

23:46 Adam He makes the twist top, right?

23:48 Oh, the twist ones.

23:50 Adam And-and what a- Now, you say you can't answer that. It means it's classified or you just don't know the answer?

23:56 Caller Well, they don't like it to talk about that.

23:59 Adam Right. Because you don't know. And what about, uh, do-do they say, do the beer purists say that it holds the flavor in better or something? The pressure caps as opposed to the ones you twist off?

24:13 Caller Well, I don't know. I've heard that...

24:15 Adam All right. All right.

24:16 Caller Adam's going to lose.

24:17 Adam I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm perpetually amazed by what people do and what they don't know, what they do, what they do. I've never... Every conversat- Here's-here's why everyone thinks I'm a-a huge a-hole is I'm doing something and the guy hands me the blank gun because I'm shooting something and he hands me the blank gun. And I say, well, this looks like a real gun. Yeah, it's a real gun, but they put a little battery in there and they do a, uh, they take a cartridge and they put on a, uh, what kind of battery goes in there? I don't know. You don't know? Yeah, that's some kind of battery. Have you ever replaced one? Yeah, I just I don't remember. You're the guy who handles the gun, though, right? Yeah, yeah. You don't know what kind of now? Here's where here's where it starts getting. Here's where I start turning to an a-hole. I can't believe what people don't know about what they do. I know he just works at a factory doing the thing, but my first day at the factory, I'd be like, why aren't we using these everywhere? How come they don't use them?

25:13 Drew But then he said they don't want him to talk too much about it.

25:16 Adam Oh, he's just being an idiot.

25:17 Drew Well, if I were him, I'd worry about that thing being outsourced to China. Next year, they're going to be making those bottle caps in China anyway.

25:22 Adam You're goddamn right there. I'm with Bruce on that one. And just make sure she doesn't use the, you know, business end of the Heineken bottle on you. That's all I'm saying. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, how do you know if she's in a topic pregnancy? Oh, that's good. I'll tell you all about that after this.

25:41 1-800-LOVE-191 Love Line will be right back.

26:14 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce is filling in quite nicely for Dr. Drew. Thank you. I'm a big fan of Dr. Bruce. He knows of what he speaks. He's good. He is. And he put gel in his hair tonight, which is good because we figured out that the non-gel nights are bad nights for you.

26:37 Drew Whatever you figured, I just now end up out the door putting gel in my hair if I don't walk in with it. So, you know, you've got your quirks.

26:44 Adam I respect that. No, that's it. This is just good science. And speaking of good science, I was watching 60 Minutes tonight and they ran a story about dogs who sniff for cancer. And I thought, this is something I've been yapping about for a long time on the air.

27:01 Drew Oh, you have?

27:02 Adam Oh, yes. About eight years ago, I was telling Drew about dogs. If they can sniff, if they could find a joint that's been packed in coffee grounds and welded into a Mexican fender, why can't they find cancer, more precisely, venereal sniffing dogs? Dog could sniff out a venereal disease. That's a layup for a dog, right? That's nothing, right?

27:29 Drew No, I'm sure. So, what's the story with the, I haven't heard about the cancer sniffing dogs.

27:33 Adam Sure, why would you? You're the only physician.

27:35 Drew You can't charge for that.

27:36 Adam You wouldn't know about that. Yeah, besides, yeah, there's no money in it for you. Why would you be behind that? No, this is, they take dogs, and first off, dogs knows 2,000 times more sensitive than humans. I don't know how they quantify that. Also makes you wonder why they bury their face in fecal matter, 2,000 times?

27:59 Drew Or eat cat litter.

28:00 Adam Right, like here's the thing, your nose is 2,000, 2,000, not 200, 2,000 times more sensitive than mine. I can smell the S from across the yard I'm gonna pass out. You've buried your face into it?

28:14 Drew Yeah, that's amazing.

28:15 Adam You may be, their nose may be like 2,000 times more sensitive, but they have to be like 5,000 times dumber. But Drew brought up an interesting point, which is at 2,000 times more sensitive, it probably smells like pizza. You know, it doesn't smell like ass.

28:30 Drew Drew brought that up.

28:31 Adam Yeah, he gets lucky every once in a while with a decent idea.

28:34 Drew So what kind of cancer do these guys sniff out?

28:36 Adam They can do bladder cancer, they can smell the urine. They don't put the dog up there. The dog, you know, you urinate in a petri dish and the dog sniffes it out. They smell skin cancer, obviously. Smell that, whatever's on you. And lung cancer, they're doing all kinds of cancers. As long as they can get sort of a sample or a blood sample or a urine sample, the dogs will pick it out. It's not exactly finished yet, but pretty good. 2,000 times.

29:08 Drew Yeah. Well, a lot of cancers produce hormones or hormone-like substances. So the dog, there's got to be some scientific basis.

29:14 Adam There's nothing that doesn't have a smell that goes with it, right? Yeah. You know what I mean?

29:19 Drew So they have a test case, they have a sample of urine from somebody with known urine cancer, urine bladder cancer, and then they...

29:26 Adam Right. They have... Here's what they do. They take like six sort of petri-type dishes. They put regular urine in five of them. And I wouldn't mind just doing that gig, topping off petri dishes with my urine. And then one of them has the urine of somebody who suffers from bladder cancer. And the dog runs around and sits down by the one that has it. And then, there was one that was supposed to be one of the dummy ones, where the person actually had cancer, they didn't even know about it. So the dog kept going to the one, and then would go to the other. And they were like trying to tell the dog, well, the dog's screwing up. And they went and checked and found out that person did have it. You know what I'm saying? So it's impressive.

30:09 Drew Right. But so to do screenings with dogs, what are they planning on doing? You'd go and visit a dog kennel and they'd have a series of dogs.

30:17 Adam All right. Listen, if you want to bring that attitude and forget it, you just take your laser and overcharge a bunch of old women to get rid of their crow's feet. Let me handle the major stuff.

30:28 Drew All right. Have a laser on your faggitty self.

30:32 Caller Wow.

30:34 Adam Point is, is if a dog can smell cancer, venereal disease, no problem.

30:40 Drew Right.

30:41 Adam Don't you think so?

30:43 Caller Yeah.

30:43 Adam And now, here's the deal. A lot of women, they don't want to go to the gynecologist because they're a little squeamish about disrobing, getting up on the stirrups and everything. How about running the dog right past them?

30:57 Drew The mental picture there is, so you're going to have a dog sniffing.

31:00 Adam Who hasn't had their, who hasn't had their crotch sniffed by a dog? It's one of life's simpler pleasures. Do you know what I'm saying? Now, you could get venereal diseases. You could, any kind of fungal disease down there, any kind of, what do they call the?

31:20 Drew Candida.

31:21 Adam Candida, any yeast, any of that stuff. Boom, dog picked the whole thing out. Or the dog gives you a clean bill of health. You never have to take the panties down. Good for parties.

31:33 Drew Yeah, you'd sell on those on college campuses.

31:35 Adam I'm just saying, you're having a frat party, some chick comes walking through the door and the dog starts chasing its tail. You gotta pull their side. Or at least tell her to turn her blouse inside out or something so you know, at least you know what you're getting into. All right. Look, it's a great idea. Marilyn?

31:54 Yes.

31:55 Adam You're 21?

31:57 Caller I'm 21.

31:58 Adam What's up?

31:58 Caller And I just recently found out that I was pregnant because I got really sick. I was throwing up and I thought maybe I had the stomach flu. And so I go into the emergency room instead of making a doctor's appointment. And they do urine sample and they find out I'm pregnant. And so I went through, did all these tests and they find out there's liquid in my left ovary. And so the doctor says that it might indicate that I have, I might have an ectopic pregnancy. And so...

32:37 Adam Bruce, ectopic pregnancy is where the fetus starts forming in the fallopian tube?

32:44 Drew The majority of the time in the fallopian tube. And theoretically, though, it's extremely rare you can have the fertilized egg land in the abdomen or in the cervix or somewhere other than... Somewhere else, but it's almost always in the...

32:56 Caller Yeah, other than the womb.

32:57 Adam But they're all ectopic?

32:59 Drew Yeah, those are ectopic locations.

33:03 Caller So, he also said that he wasn't able to determine whether or not he was for sure about it, because I'm so early in my pregnancy, I might be about two or three weeks, maybe three.

33:17 Adam What do they do with that?

33:19 Drew Well, first of all, the most typical scenario is after your first misperiod, you have some vaginal bleeding or spotting and you're having pain in one side or the other, okay? You don't have to have bleeding, but you almost always do.

33:33 Adam Well, it'd be nice.

33:34 Caller Yeah, and I haven't had any bleeding.

33:37 Drew Okay, so sometimes they'll follow serial pregnancy tests, they'll have you come in every other day to follow that. But if you have, they're doing that.

33:45 Caller Yeah, yeah, but the thing is I will, my first doctor, I just found this out recently, but my first doctor appointment will be about in a week or two. And I want to know what symptoms I'm supposed to be looking for. I really don't want to have this to be the case.

34:02 Drew Are you having any bleeding or spotting?

34:04 Caller I don't have any bleeding or spotting.

34:05 Drew And you're not having pain on one side or the other?

34:08 Caller But I do have pain, like abdominal pain.

34:11 Adam What do they do with ectopic pregnancies?

34:14 Drew Well, you can eat... Hold on.

34:16 Adam Quiet down. What do they do?

34:19 Drew Either surgically remove the ectopic pregnancy and try and preserve the tube, or they're using methotrexate. There's some non-surgical methods of...

34:27 Adam Abortion? They don't try to keep...

34:30 Drew Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not a viable pregnancy.

34:33 Adam It's not.

34:33 Drew Absolutely not. So you can either surgically remove it or there are some medications that are being used now, like methotrexate.

34:41 Adam No moving it around.

34:42 Drew No.

34:43 Adam No raising it on the window sill with the toothpicks like the avocado seed?

34:47 Drew No.

34:48 Adam Because that's how I was... I believe that's where I came up. Marilyn? Yes. Well, first off, for what it's worth, I believe everything happens for a reason. Have you had an ass full of these people? How many times you heard that in the last year?

35:04 Drew Everything happens for a reason?

35:06 Adam Yeah. Every time they interview an idiot, that's all they say.

35:08 Drew Yeah.

35:09 Adam What the F does that mean? Is it just when stupid people don't have things to say, they just say that? What about the person that interviews them and just nods their head? Oh, I see. That's quite a philosophy you've cooked up.

35:21 Drew Right.

35:21 Adam You believe everything happens for a reason? Are you just stupid?

35:24 Drew You don't know what else to say.

35:25 Adam Well, just yell, you're stupid.

35:27 Drew Oh, I just.

35:28 Adam Well, what do you mean everything happens for a reason?

35:32 Drew It's pretty Zen, you know? I mean, it sounds, it sounds enlightened. Everything happens for a reason.

35:36 Adam I know. I know. I just, the idiot celebrities get away with it and then sort of, you know, I just, I've heard it a thousand times in like the last year and a half and it's trying me nuts. The world is your oyster. I mean, because that's all the world is.

35:53 Drew Now, is the world is your oyster? Is that an approved Corolla-ism or?

35:58 Adam Yeah.

35:58 Drew Okay.

35:59 Adam No, that's me being facetious. Anderson seems to think I was, I meant the world is your oyster.

36:05 Vicodin was talking that night.

36:08 Adam He seems, he's convinced of it, so he plays it all the time because he thinks it's an example of me doing, basically, I believe everything happens for a reason. The world is your oyster. I mean, because that's all the world is. You don't see the ironic acting in that, Anderson.

36:27 Caller I remember it well, big man.

36:30 Adam Anderson, if I really thought you thought that was it, I would work hard in getting you fired. So you should hope I think you're just doing that, because you don't really believe that. Go ahead, Marilyn.

36:41 Caller Okay. So I just want to know, since I'm so early in my pregnancy, are there any symptoms that I could catch or detect?

36:53 Adam You talk to the doctor and you're going back to the doctor every other day, right?

36:57 Caller Well, not yet. I have to make my first appointment in about a week. And I want to know now if there's anything I could be looking for.

37:05 Adam Well, pain on one side or the other and bleeding.

37:07 Drew Yeah.

37:08 Caller So pain.

37:09 Adam All right. You said it 26 times, didn't you?

37:13 Drew Not 26, but several.

37:14 Adam 28.

37:15 Drew So pain on one side.

37:15 Adam Yeah. Don't say it again. Don't say it again. Carla?

37:21 Yes.

37:22 Adam You're 23?

37:23 Caller Yes, I am.

37:24 Adam What's up?

37:26 Caller Okay. When me and my boyfriend have sex, um, and sometimes when he goes down on me, I, um, I don't, I mean, it feels good, but I sometimes pretend like that I'm doing it to someone else, you know, like I have to pretend that, um, I'm doing it to another female. The other female doesn't have, like, I can't, it's not like I'm thinking of someone in particular. Sometimes I'll think of, like, um, like I said, another female, or I'll think of me. Um, and I have to kind of...

38:03 Adam Well, you'll think of going down on you?

38:06 Caller Of how I would do it, like how I would want it to be done. And I tell them, but, um, it doesn't feel the same unless I kind of move my lips like how I would want it.

38:20 Adam All right.

38:21 Caller I just, I don't understand, like... I don't know, like, I don't know, I don't know, I'm just really kind of shy to talk to them about it.

38:30 Caller All right.

38:30 Adam Well, hold on a second. Let's, uh, let's see if we can sort out, sort through this rubble here for a second. Your boyfriend gives you oral sex. When he's giving you oral sex, you start fantasizing about you performing it on another woman and, or you sort of performing it on yourself, but doing it the right way.

38:52 Caller Correct.

38:52 Adam Uh, the world is your oyster. I mean, because that's all the world is.

38:58 Drew And a little analogy for oyster.

39:01 Caller Right.

39:03 Caller But another thing is, is like, um, he lives in Santa Monica and I live in Santa Cruz, so, um, we see each other maybe two or three times a month, um, so what we usually do, we usually have is like, we'll just talk on the phone or we'll have phone sex and stuff. So that works fine. But I was wondering, is it because of that? Is it because, like, of the lack of, of like, of actual physical?

39:27 Adam Well, look, uh, the guy's got to log some hours in the pilot seat in order to get certified. I mean, if he's just taken it up with the instructor, uh, once every four months, he's never going to get certified. Yeah. So it would be nice if you guys could put together a few months where he could sort of not relearn everything that he did the day before or the time before. You know what I mean? It's like, if he only sees your vagina every like a couple of months, then he sort of goes back to square one. You know what it's like? Here's what it's like. It's like you hitting the gym really hard and then not going back for two months, and then going and hitting it real hard again and then not going back again. You're always sort of in the same place, right? You got to put together a couple of months so you want to see some results.

40:14 Drew Yeah.

40:15 Adam Same with oral sex. Am I boring you, Bruce? No.

40:18 Drew No. I was going to ask her how long they've been together in the first place.

40:21 Adam I want to know how often they see each other.

40:23 Caller Once every what?

40:25 Adam Once every what?

40:27 Drew Two or three times a month, did you say?

40:29 Caller Correct. They'll fly up from...

40:31 Drew Okay. And how long have you been going out?

40:33 Caller About maybe five months.

40:36 Drew Okay. And how's the relationship on other levels? You get along real well?

40:40 Caller Oh, yeah.

40:41 Caller We get along awesome. We love each other. I mean, it's great.

40:45 Caller It's really great.

40:46 Caller We talk every day.

40:47 Drew So there's not really a problem here. You're not comfortable describing exactly what you want him to do at this point.

40:53 Caller I'm kind of embarrassed because, you know, I kind of feel... I mean, everything he does is good. And I know... I just think it's me. Like, I just feel like I'm saying something about it because everything else is great.

41:05 Adam All right. Listen, hold on. You're anxious.

41:08 Drew Yeah.

41:09 Adam You're up in your head a little bit.

41:10 Drew Right. And it's not...

41:11 Adam You gotta relax. You tell him what you like or you sort of guide him. And he goes along with it, right?

41:19 Caller Yeah.

41:19 Adam And it feels good?

41:21 Caller It feels really good, yes.

41:22 Adam And you have an orgasm?

41:24 Caller Mm-hmm.

41:25 Adam All right. So...

41:26 Drew Yeah, some things take time. And as you get more comfortable with him, you'll be able to explain...

41:31 Adam But you already are sort of lending a hand and you're comfortable with it and you have your orgasm and he's not arguing with you, is he? See, it's not like he's down there going...

41:43 Drew But she's a little impatient. She wants...

41:44 Adam No, I understand.

41:45 Drew She's immediately when he's doing it, she's thinking of exactly how she'd like it to be.

41:49 Adam I love it when women have fantasies too, about and the person doesn't even know who the person is.

41:54 Drew Yeah.

41:55 Adam You know, and like they go like, women have these, like the women's version of a wet dream. It's like, I was with somebody and he was a very sexy, who was it? Brad Pitt? No, he had no head. I couldn't figure out who. It was like his head was tiled out. It was like, what? You didn't even know who the person was? It was awesome. Yeah, but who was it with? I couldn't, I didn't really know who he was. It could have been your brother, your dad, right? Yeah. No, no, I knew who it was. Well, who was it? I don't know. Then they have concrete.

42:29 Drew Guys know exactly, exactly who it was.

42:32 Adam Yes. If you're going to question about it, you're going to have a wet dream. You know exactly which person you saw on TV earlier that night. You're on top of.

42:40 Drew You might not admit that to the significant other, but the smart guy. The smart guy. So she's fine with imagining that it's her doing it to herself. She just knows exactly how she wants it done. It's going to take him one more time in the relationship.

42:54 Adam It's fine.

42:54 Drew And she needs to just relax and wait until she's comfortable.

42:56 Adam You guys put together a long weekend. Fourth of July is coming up. So if you can get over there for like four days, you'll set them straight.

43:04 Drew Exactly.

43:04 Adam All right. Dr. Bruce in tonight doing a yeoman's job for Dr. Drew. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this. Dude, you got issues.

43:15 Call Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

43:29 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. You here tomorrow night, Bruce?

43:38 Drew I think you got me for four nights.

43:40 Adam Four nights?

43:41 Drew Yeah.

43:42 Adam If that's true, I'm going to kill myself. Shouldn't have told you. Are you high? You're going to be here for four nights.

43:49 Drew I'll bring the valley.

43:50 Adam Maybe you are. What drugs you got for me? Do you got stuff?

43:55 Drew I'll give you some melatonin.

43:57 Adam What do you got in the quailu department?

44:00 Drew Fake quailu. I'll give you some Banadryl, tell you I'm a quailu. No, no, no.

44:06 Adam You can't fool my brain. I'm a heavyweight. Give me some pharmaceutical.

44:10 Drew Non-twist off beers.

44:11 Adam See what you can do. Bruce is board certified and all that good stuff. As a matter of fact, if you have any questions about tattoo removal, that is one of Bruce's specialties. He's a whiz with the laser. We'll give Bruce some plugs. We'll do it after the top of the hour break. Great. We're going to try to move along. Speak to Adam, who's 15. Adam?

44:34 Caller Hey.

44:34 Adam Hey.

44:35 I got a question for you, Adam. I was watching Comedy Central the other day and I saw that you got a show coming up.

44:41 Caller I just want to know what that was all about.

44:42 By the way, you're a comedy genius.

44:44 Caller You're the best.

44:45 Adam Oh, really? Well, thanks. It's going to be after the Daily Show, after the John Stewart Show. It'll be on 11.30. It'll be on for half an hour. It's just going to be me doing my thing. It's kind of a late night talk show. But instead of having crappy guests, which is the only guess you get when you do a cable talk show, we're just going to have those guys who get trapped in a cave and have to chew their own arm off and crawl 70 miles to safety and all that kind of stuff. Those kind of people.

45:18 Drew So you have interesting guests.

45:19 Adam Interesting guests. Because here's the thing, or Tom Cruise, except for we don't get Tom Cruise. So what ends up happening is it's, welcome back to the show, Tina Yeathers. Come on, Tina, how's your band doing? They're playing tonight. Fantastic. That's what ends up happening, so screw it. It's not going to be a typical monologue. Here's the thing. All those shows, they go up there, all the writers get together, they put together a monologue, they put it on cue cards and the guy goes up and tells jokes. Michael Jackson gets freed up and they do a bunch of Neverland pedophile jokes. I don't want to do that. Not that what they do isn't fantastic, I just can't do that that well. I don't think about jokes. I just have ideas. So phone calls, ideas and that kind of stuff. In a way, not that much different than this. If Bruce was interesting, it would be like this, Adam.

46:18 Drew Just bring a TV camera in here. So you're going to be the Charlie Rose of the Comedy Central generation?

46:22 Adam I will be the Charlie Rose and the Larry King if he had fluid in his body. That's what I would be. That's fine with me. I don't want to compete with all the other late night shows. So no band leader.

46:36 Drew You're basically going to have guests you can make fun of, is what you're saying.

46:38 Adam I want to have, no, like the guy who trains the dogs that sniff for cancer. Like I'm interested in all that stuff. But you know, all these shows, they put these celebrities on and some celebrities are interesting. Some, but then most aren't. And you have to sort of sit through. It's like, hey, from Smallville, you know him as the neighbor's son. It's like, now you don't know him.

47:04 Drew Too many traditional talk shows.

47:06 Adam Too many. Let's just do something different. Give me something I can be interested in. Yes?

47:10 Drew Sounds good.

47:11 Adam All right, really?

47:11 Drew I'll be there, I'll be, you know.

47:13 Adam No, I'm not gonna watch you there.

47:13 Drew I thought you were asking me to be there.

47:14 Adam No, you were, no, no. No, it's deep cable, but not that deep, brother.

47:19 Drew You take off some tattoos on there? No, no.

47:21 Adam All right, yeah.

47:22 Drew Ah, do some hair removal.

47:23 Adam Ah, no. Let's take a break. Bruce is here tonight, Dr. Bruce. Better than Drew. You couldn't tell by looking at him or listening to him, but he is. If you cut his brain open, you have a bigger pomegranate with more seeds in it.

47:39 Drew That wasn't funny.

47:40 Adam But you know what I'm saying? Take a quick break. Be right back after this. Hello, everyone. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce, Ford Certified Addiction Medicine Specialist, Tattoo Removal Specialist, also Dermabrasion, all that good non-surgical facial stuff.

48:44 Drew No downtime stuff, yeah.

48:45 Adam Really doesn't work. And then, now this guy's good. I'm telling you right now, if you got into a motorcycle accident, you would want Dr. Bruce on the back of the bike and to land on him.

49:00 Drew Why is that?

49:00 Adam No, if you got into a bad moped accident, you would want Dr. Bruce to be the first car to come up on you.

49:07 Drew Yeah.

49:08 Adam Yeah.

49:08 Drew That's probably not bad.

49:09 Adam Emergency medicine, yes?

49:10 Drew Yeah.

49:11 Adam Good.

49:12 Drew That's right.

49:13 Adam Yeah, Bruce is good.

49:14 Drew Those paramedics are good though.

49:15 Adam Yeah, but not as good as Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce is filling in for Dr. Drew who was in Vermont with his daughter ice skating and then this is a disaster, by the way, when kids get into stuff and then you got to follow them around. Yeah, but here's the whole thing. I used to play football and baseball, Pop Warner and Pee Wee stuff and everything. Here's the farthest, you know, I was, I played for East Valley Trojans, North Hollywood, furthest, furthest we ever went was Seamey Valley one time. Other than that, it's like, hey, going to Burbank to play the Vikings, you're going to Northridge to play the Knights, you're going to play the Valley Dolphins, they're like in Encino, and you just bounce around eight miles this way, six miles that way. Now, if you're on a baseball team, like a little league baseball team, they were going to Tokyo. Yeah. Everyone piled in. Yeah, my kid's ice skating. Where's she going? She's going to Vermont, and then she's going to New York. Yeah. What? Can you imagine when you were growing up? When you were growing up, you said you're dad. Yeah, that's my peewee baseball team. We're heading out to Cali.

50:25 Drew It wouldn't happen.

50:26 Adam What do you feel like? Are you high?

50:27 Drew Yeah. But today it's true.

50:28 Adam Where are you going?

50:29 Drew Drew's got triplets, so three, he can be going in two or three different directions.

50:34 Adam They're like they make the Nationals, the next thing you know, they're heading to Nebraska and stuff. I mean, what the?

50:41 Drew They could do a reality show around Drew and Susie. The kids are going all over the place.

50:46 Adam I'm just saying.

50:47 Drew They're all good. They're all smart.

50:48 Adam All right. But look, here's why you can't get your kid into anything, because the next thing you know, they're traveling. You know, his kids went to, his daughter went to Paris to ice skate, like two years ago.

50:59 Drew That's expensive.

51:00 Adam Did his wife hit you up for money?

51:02 Drew No, no, no, no. She knows better.

51:04 Adam I know.

51:05 Drew I would have hit her up for money.

51:06 Adam Trying to get money out of bruises, like trying to hit up one of those plastic owls that's out front of the liquor store. Well, you know what I'm saying. Times are tight.

51:15 Drew Yep. That's smart.

51:17 Adam Maybe you got money socked away, but you just advertise this poor slob thing. It keeps everyone at bay.

51:22 Drew Well, I beg your pardon. I don't advertise a poor slob thing.

51:25 Adam Well, I mean, you're driving your sister's old Toyota and stuff like that. I mean, come on.

51:30 Drew I'm frugal. The family Camry. My kids love it. They can tear this thing apart.

51:35 Adam They love it because they could defecate in it. No one cares. Please. All right. Where are we? Let me say this. We got to give Bruce some plugs. I got to do a little plug here for Durex condoms. By the way, the only condom Dr. Bruce and his boyfriend will use. Party Pack includes CDs, poker set and money, cash money from Durex condom. So each night this week, I'm going to decide who the best call of the night is. If you're 18 years old or anyone who gets on the air is eligible. Got to be 18 years or older. I'll decide which one to use the best call of the night. And then you're going to win this Party Pack brought to you by Durex. There's sex and then there's Durex.

52:20 Drew Male or female? Either can win, huh?

52:21 Adam Anyone. Hermaphrodites are up for it. All right. You want to give. Let's take a call and we'll give you a plug. All right. Let's talk to Steve. And we'll talk to Steve. Let's talk to Kristen. I'll talk to Steve in a second. Kristen.

52:35 Hey.

52:35 Adam What's up?

52:36 Okay. I'm trying to figure out whether or not my boyfriend is racist. Okay. I'm black. He's white. And like when we're together, we're fine. It's like when we go with my friends, something happens. He gets like super aggressive, like mean. It's weird. He gets like more aggressive towards other black guys, like black girls, like nothing but then other guys or even like Latino guys. He gets kind of weird.

52:57 And so I'm like, All right.

52:59 Adam Well, let's try to figure this out. You have black male black friends.

53:03 Yes.

53:04 Adam And he gets aggressive with them?

53:05 Not like, like, not like I'm going to kick your ass or anything, but like, like just different, like, you know, like he bowls up, like I can't, because he bowls up. What does that mean? Okay. Like he gets tougher, like meaner. He doesn't laugh. He doesn't smile. He's all like mean.

53:19 Adam How old is he?

53:20 He's 20.

53:22 Adam Well, I'll tell you, I'm sorry.

53:24 Drew He probably feels insecure and he's trying to assert himself. He's not sure if he's accepted and he's not sure if you're going to be less accepting of him when, when you're with other guys.

53:34 Adam I'm going racist. Here's the, here's the, okay, I'll help you. Here's, here's the deal. 20 year old guys, guys from age maybe 16 or 17 to the age of like 25 have, have a lot of testosterone surging through them. And it makes them really weird with their women around other guys a lot of the time. That's one element. So one element is this is normal. You, you hang around other males, especially if they're sort of able-bodied guys who are halfway decent looking and in your age range, these guys are going to sort of step up a little. There's going to be a little, little alpha male thing going on. Okay. A little bit. That's, that's number one. Number, number two, there could be an, an, an interesting race-based element, which is he thinks that somehow because they're the same color you are that you may be more attracted to them or they may have some sort of shot with you that he doesn't or some sort of advantage. So that could be one element.

54:42 Caller Like, like, yes, like he tells me he's like, oh, they're just, you know, we have nothing to talk about till I'm just kind of standoffish. Or, you know, what, what will we talk about? I go, well, you both know me, there's something there, you know.

54:53 Adam Well, yeah, but the other element of this is, there's a certain cultural genesequoia to the black male. You see what I mean? Like, if you hung out the bunch of Asian guys, you'd probably be a little easier with it. But the black male is, is the dominant male. He's the, he's the alpha male.

55:16 Caller Let's face it. But he, like, acts black. It's weird. I can't explain, like, he's very urban, like with his friends, his friends are urban. They're very, they listen to rap. They, you know, but with them, he, it's like, okay, your friends act exactly the same. What's the big issue?

55:29 But why don't you got no play, playa?

55:33 Adam Drew from the very black Vermont.

55:35 Drew Drew sounded street there. He sounded down.

55:38 Adam You want to talk urban. How about figure skating in Vermont?

55:42 Caller That was super hot.

55:44 Drew I agree with Adam. It sounds like a little more of an inferiority thing.

55:49 Adam But here's the thing, Chris, Kristen.

55:52 Caller Chris, I have no work.

55:53 Adam I have a couple. Is it Kristen? Yeah.

55:56 Caller You can come, Chris. It doesn't matter.

55:58 Adam All right. What is your name?

56:00 Caller My name is Kristen. You said Chris. I said Chris will work too. That's a whole new conversation. Okay.

56:06 Adam Here's the thing.

56:07 Caller Yeah.

56:08 Adam I do believe that there's a certain amount of racism or race bias in every human being in that, and then it's a matter of extremes, which is here's the deal. I just want to feel like I should clear this up with everybody. If there's two, because it's natural human instinct, if you're turn on the TV set and there's two guys boxing and one guy is Italian, and I'm Italian, and the other guy is Mexican or Chinese or black, and I don't know either one of the guys, you'll usually root for the guy who is closest to you.

56:44 Caller Okay. Okay.

56:45 Adam I don't necessarily think that's racism, but that's just how the world is constructed.

56:52 Caller Okay.

56:52 Adam Now, other people will take it a step further. They'll make racist jokes. I don't know a guy who doesn't make racist jokes. I really don't. But they make jokes about everybody. That's great. Everything is wide open to everything. But here's what I want people of color to understand about the white man because as you know, I speak for all white men. White guys make tons of jokes about Jews, blacks, Mexicans, Asians, fat people, gay people, chicks, short midgets, dwarfs, jokes about everybody but them and the same colors then. But if you're a dwarf or you're fat, you're wide open too. It's nonstop. I mean, you'll have guys around that. There was a guy around the office who was missing a finger. They never miss an opportunity to make a joke about that guy. Balding guys, short guys, everyone is open. Okay. Now, here's the thing. I don't know a guy who doesn't do that. I also don't know a guy who would discriminate against one of those people.

57:58 Caller Okay.

57:59 Adam Actually not hire them or fire them or pay them less or anything like that. So you can actually live in a society where people sort of make fun of these people and say horrible things about these people, whoever these people are, but it doesn't necessarily translate into anything tangible.

58:19 Caller The hell is that? Okay, I'm listening.

58:20 Adam You know what I'm saying?

58:21 Yeah.

58:22 Adam I'm just saying, there's not, it's like, it's like there ain't a white cop in the world that hasn't dropped the N-word.

58:29 Caller Okay.

58:30 Adam Does that mean they planted evidence at O.J.'s house? No way.

58:34 Caller No.

58:35 Adam See, that's where the connection stops.

58:38 Drew Right.

58:38 Caller But this guy-

58:39 Adam Bruce was using the N-word nonstop during the last break. I don't even know what he meant. Hey, nigger, sit down.

58:45 Caller Please.

58:46 Drew I don't think so.

58:46 Caller But this thing happens a lot, doesn't make it right, is what I'm saying.

58:49 Drew Yeah, but you also know-

58:50 Adam No, it doesn't make it right. You gave it that brush-off.

58:53 Caller You kind of said, well, it always happens. You gave it that weird brush-off, and I don't like that.

58:56 Adam No, here's what I'm saying. It doesn't make it right, but there is a basic human component to make fun or make a joke at the expense of anybody who's different than what you are.

59:10 Caller Okay, I can accept that. It's not-

59:12 Drew But in this situation, it sounds like this guy wants to fit in. My experience, I went to a high school, was half African American, half Puerto Rican, back in New York, and you just didn't- Well, no, listen, if you're a white guy- With his red hair. Obviously, yeah, I ain't going to try to act culturally like a different culture to fit in. It ain't going to work for me. No. There are some white guys that have more of the-

59:32 Adam You barely pull white off.

59:33 Drew Yeah.

59:34 Barely.

59:36 Drew I resent that. But the Genet, whatever you called it.

59:40 Adam What'd I say?

59:43 Drew There's a certain-

59:44 Well, anyway, you just can't-

59:46 Adam Don't talk about race.

59:47 Drew I was going to ask you, is he trying to fit in? Is it not working for him? Is that what you're feeling like, Chris?

59:51 Caller I don't know if it's like- He's not trying to fit in. It's not that because it's different.

59:56 Drew But he's trying to fit in by being overly aggressive or acting like-

59:59 Caller I don't know if that's it because we've been places where white guys have hit on me and he's like, hey, that's my girlfriend, back up, whatever. Then we'll be places and maybe we're at a party and a black guy will talk to me and he wants to fight.

1:00:10 Really?

1:00:11 Drew Well, it sounds like he's immature to me. Doesn't sound like he's just-

1:00:14 Caller I've been in the seats for fights and they've always been black guys over something that a white guy got away with. And it's like, okay, well-

1:00:22 Drew I think he sounds like he's more threatened by black guys and I don't know that he's prejudiced. He sounds immature.

1:00:29 Adam Let's just call him and look, by the way, there are degrees. There are people that are prejudiced like, hey, let's go get a lynching going. And then there are people that are prejudiced like, I'm not hiring any people of you fill in the blank. Okay. Here's a deal. This guy probably has some element of prejudice in him. He's also just a basic 20-year-old. He also has some a-hole in him. He's also hot-headed, hot-tempered. Here's what I would do. I would either dump the guy or- All right. Well, then, don't. But here's the thing. Don't include him in these situations that involve- No house parties.

1:01:10 Caller No. He gets threatened if I'm not going with him. Where are you going?

1:01:13 Adam Well, listen. Here's all I'm saying is don't bring him around these situations or don't go to these situations. And if you really do love him, I'll put it this way. A lot of people have that thing where it's like they're best friends with their ex, but it really bothers the new guy or the new girl. They're like, oh, what's the big deal? We work together. We're great friends. Look, it bothers the other person. It doesn't work. It brings a lot of strife to your relationship. Just don't hang out with the ex. There's certain things you got to do in a relationship every once in a while where it's like, look, you really love the guy and the guy gets into a fight every time you go to a party with him. Don't take him to the party. Don't go to the party.

1:01:59 Drew Yeah, but Kristen, this is a time to find out more about the guy. Communicate with him. If this guy can't start seeing what's going on and learning.

1:02:06 Adam That's enough.

1:02:07 Caller All right.

1:02:08 Adam Steve?

1:02:09 Drew Yeah.

1:02:10 Adam You're 25?

1:02:11 Caller Yeah, Adam.

1:02:12 Caller How are you?

1:02:13 Adam Good. What's up?

1:02:14 Caller Good. Hey, kind of a problem I've been having about a year and a half now, but I've been having a lot of problems with impotency lately, and for a guy my age, it just doesn't seem like it's quite right. I can't attribute it to anything. I was just wondering if you'd give me a little clarification of possible causes or what might be up with that.

1:02:31 Adam What about it, Bruce? What do you know?

1:02:35 Drew Impotence at 25, you can be impotent, but it's highly unlikely.

1:02:38 Adam Will you call it impotent at 25 or do you call it impotent in erectile dysfunction?

1:02:47 Drew The term can be used whether it's a psychological origin for it or a physiologic.

1:02:53 Adam But does impotence imply a consistency like every time? I think if a guy lost his boner one out every four times, you would call it impotence is can't do it anytime.

1:03:07 Drew Yeah.

1:03:08 Adam That's impotent.

1:03:09 Drew Consistent.

1:03:09 Adam As a sort of driven between being blind and being sort of impaired. So are you actually impotent?

1:03:17 Caller Well, it's not so much that I can get an erection, but it's not like how it was when I was in my teens and my early 20s. Like I'm just kind of always at half staff, if you will. You know, it's not the type of erection that I'm used to having, you know.

1:03:32 Adam Are you big? You have a big penis?

1:03:34 Caller I like to think so. I never had any complaints.

1:03:37 Drew OK. If you don't have a medical disorder, you're not on medications. You know, there are fluctuations in your testosterone level. There are questions. Do you smoke? Things like that.

1:03:47 Adam If you're going through this at 25, you need to speak to a specialist, right?

1:03:51 Drew Well, you should just go to his general practitioner, but it sounds more like, are you having morning erections?

1:03:54 Adam You know, the morning erections, Steve?

1:04:00 Drew Hello?

1:04:00 Caller No, no morning erections. Not for over a year now. And like, you know how, I mean, you guys, obviously you guys are guys, you know what I'm talking about. But throughout the day, you're kind of always running, you know, kind of getting an erection off and on throughout the day. It's kind of half there. It's like it's nothing. And I have a hard time getting an erection and maintaining it.

1:04:19 All right.

1:04:21 Adam Are you in love? Do you have a girlfriend?

1:04:23 Caller No. But I mean, I get out there.

1:04:26 All right.

1:04:27 Adam Go to a doctor.

1:04:28 Drew Yeah.

1:04:28 Adam At this point, you got to go to a doctor. You should have morning erections at 25. You should have it at 85. Yeah.

1:04:36 Drew It'd be nice.

1:04:36 Adam It'd be nice. Let me talk to you about a couple of things. I got this theory, you know, the guys with the super huge dongs, always kind of leathery, never full good erection.

1:04:48 Drew Where do you get that information?

1:04:49 Adam Where do you get it? Seventies porn. I was watching a John Holmes movie.

1:04:54 Drew Ah.

1:04:55 Adam And, you know, John Holmes had that huge dong, but it was always sort of unwieldy and never, it wasn't always totally erect, you know, it was always just sort of flopping around. And I started thinking to myself, you know, John Holmes probably went like 145 pounds, his penis was like 11 pounds, and I realized there wasn't enough blood in his body to actually fully encorge his penis. No, no, hear me out. I was done, actually.

1:05:24 Drew The guy, okay. Well, I don't know how large his penis was.

1:05:27 Adam You don't?

1:05:28 Drew No, it would have to be immense for you not to have enough blood. To create a volume problem with the blood.

1:05:33 Adam Not that there is enough blood in your body, but if you put it all in your penis, you're not gonna have enough to, you know, motor skills and stuff are gonna suffer.

1:05:41 Drew You know, with 70s porn, I don't think you could base anything physical.

1:05:44 Adam You think they're too coked up?

1:05:45 Drew Yeah, exactly. I mean, the chances of those people not having enough drugs in them to affect the quality of the erection.

1:05:51 Adam Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right.

1:05:53 Drew You know, before the Viagra days, although they probably would have been dropping dead like flies back then, mixing Viagra and street drugs.

1:06:00 Adam Yeah, speedball, Viagra, a little Coke.

1:06:03 Drew Who knows what, so.

1:06:04 Adam Well, by the way, put me down for one of those. All right, where are we? I want to give you a plug. OK, how about a plug for Dr. Bruce? Dr. Bruce is working at a wonderful spa in Studio City, California, called Lush Spa. What are you doing over there, Bruce?

1:06:22 Drew What we're doing, what you generally have done in a spa, there's available treatments that women love, the pedicures, the manicures, the massage, and then there's the medical side of it, which I do, which are photofacials, Botox, lip filler, tattoo removal.

1:06:38 Adam Tat removal. Yeah. Are you doing a lot of that?

1:06:42 Drew Oh, yeah. Tat, you know, tattoo removal is very popular because tattoos are extremely popular, and at any given time, probably about a third of the people that have tattoos want something, a lot of modifying tattoos. Somebody wants a name removed, or they want a part of a tattoo changed or lightened so they can get another tattoo over it, just a lot of stuff like that. So removing them, modifying them.

1:07:04 Adam Yeah, because yeah, even when you're using a laser, 45, you don't want that tattoo with the small of your wife's back that says sack coaster. Well, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's got to go.

1:07:20 Drew But the classic, girlfriend's name on the guy.

1:07:24 Adam Yeah.

1:07:25 Drew Old girlfriend's name, getting married, a lot of that stuff.

1:07:28 Adam Yeah. All right. How many sessions to break up a tat?

1:07:31 Drew An average of eight to ten sessions a month apart.

1:07:34 Adam Month apart.

1:07:35 Drew To get 90% of it moved.

1:07:37 Adam You can't do it two weeks apart because your body doesn't absorb it that fast?

1:07:41 Drew Right.

1:07:41 Adam Your body absorbs it. And then you pee out the tattoo?

1:07:44 Drew Well, it goes through your liver. It goes various places. But it takes about a month to... When you have the laser hit the tattoo ink and you walk out after the session, you really have just as much ink there. It's just broken up into smaller fragments that, as you said, you can absorb.

1:08:00 Adam And your body absorbs it. So the whole deal is, you break the ink up into smaller molecules?

1:08:07 Drew Well, the reason a tattoo stays permanently is because it's actually in droplets. They're fairly large droplets. And you have white blood cells come in. It is a foreign body, and when people first get a tattoo, you have the redness and the inflammation. And that's the white blood cells they want to come in and eat that stuff up and move it away. But the size of the droplets is too large. So the laser breaks it up into little fragments that can be removed.

1:08:29 Adam And the white blood cells eat it up.

1:08:30 Drew They're like a scrubbing bubble. Scavengers, right?

1:08:33 Adam Wow.

1:08:33 Drew Yep.

1:08:34 Adam Wow, I don't think I have any of those white ones in me. Do black people have white ones too?

1:08:39 Drew Yes.

1:08:39 Adam Wow, heavy.

1:08:40 Drew Heavy.

1:08:41 Adam Heavy. Heavy. Heavy. Jay? Jay?

1:08:48 Caller Oh, yes?

1:08:50 Adam Oh, Jay the chick. By the way, Bruce is at a wonderful place called Lush Spa. And we'll give you that phone number before we go to break.

1:08:59 Drew lushspa.com.

1:09:00 Adam lushspa.com. All right. Go ahead, Jay, the female.

1:09:05 Caller Yeah, I was wondering if you could give me information on sebaceous prominence.

1:09:11 Adam What? Sebaceous prominence.

1:09:13 Drew Okay, so sebaceous is used to describe the... Typically you get sebaceous cysts. And it's the term next to every hair follicle you have a sebaceous gland that produces a lubricant for the hair. So Anywhere you have a hair follicle? Yeah, anywhere you have a hair follicle you have a sebaceous gland. And you can get prominence of those. And you can get cysts.

1:09:36 Adam How do you get prominence? What's a prominence?

1:09:37 Drew Well, it's a little bit of swelling. A little swelling means it's longer than usual.

1:09:40 Adam Because it gets infected or something?

1:09:42 Drew It can get infected or they can just be in a plugged pore. So I don't know, what are you talking about this in relationship to? Because you have sebaceous glands in lots of places in your body.

1:09:50 Caller Well, my first experience was giving all sex to my boyfriend. He had bumps all over his penis. I naturally freaked out and he said that it's been here, been there as long as he can remember. So I trust him. So I looked it up on the Internet, but there's really not that much information. And the picture of the sebaceous prominence looked most similar.

1:10:12 Adam No, hold on a second. These bumps were all over the shaft of his penis?

1:10:23 Caller About halfway up the shaft.

1:10:25 Drew Yeah, well, you have hairs.

1:10:26 Adam Yeah, no, nobody gets that. Well, the point is you shouldn't get that.

1:10:31 Drew Yeah, you can get that.

1:10:31 Adam I never heard of that. Well, you know, I've been sitting here for 10 years. I never heard about sebaceous prominence.

1:10:37 Drew Well, I wouldn't have if she hadn't called in tonight, but you have those little sebaceous glands with every hair. They can swell up. OK, listen, here's the thing.

1:10:44 Adam I'm not going for this.

1:10:45 Drew Yeah, you shouldn't be making a diagnosis like that. You shouldn't be looking in a book. I don't care if you trust him or not. You get him to go to the doctor. You make sure he goes. And you have a doctor has to eyeball that and make a diagnosis. You shouldn't be making a diagnosis like that.

1:10:59 Adam Yeah, could be warts for all we know.

1:11:02 Caller Well, it doesn't work like any warts.

1:11:07 Drew Well, human papilloma virus has about a billion strains of that virus, causing a lot of different appearances.

1:11:12 Adam Are you pre-med by the way?

1:11:15 Caller No, sir, not.

1:11:16 Adam What are you doing?

1:11:18 Caller I'm a journalism student.

1:11:21 Adam Journalism student?

1:11:23 Caller Yes.

1:11:24 Adam At bartending school?

1:11:26 Caller No.

1:11:27 Where are you going?

1:11:29 Caller The University of Southern California.

1:11:31 Adam Really?

1:11:32 Drew Well, don't get defensive here.

1:11:33 Adam USC.

1:11:34 Caller That's right.

1:11:35 Adam Wow. Parents have some... Yeah, parents got some money?

1:11:39 Caller Uh, they make sacrifices.

1:11:43 Drew Right. Okay, so Jay, you get the point. You understand. In other words, you don't want to be making that diagnosis. It's not a matter of trusting someone if he has... Those are lesions.

1:11:50 Adam Send them in.

1:11:51 Drew Yeah. And those are undiagnosed at this time.

1:11:53 Adam Could be the pearly penile papules that we used to hear so much about on this show.

1:11:57 Drew Right. But there are a bunch of different things that could cause that. And a doctor has to look at it.

1:12:01 Adam Jay sounds hot, though. Jay, are you good looking?

1:12:08 Caller I hope so.

1:12:10 Adam Jay's a hot name for a chick. Is it short for something?

1:12:14 Caller Yeah.

1:12:16 Adam What's it short for? Hold on. How can it be short for something that's shorter?

1:12:22 Caller Well, because my name is Jessica, but people call me, uh...

1:12:26 Adam Oh, Jay. Okay. That's good. That works. All right. Bring him in. Check him out.

1:12:34 All right. Well, thank you.

1:12:36 All right.

1:12:38 Drew Perfect timing.

1:12:39 Adam Oh, yeah. All right. Should we take a break? Tattoo artist, got a question.

1:12:46 Drew He's inking someone right now, and he's got a...

1:12:47 Adam Tattoo on penis? Uh, Candice?

1:12:51 Caller Hi.

1:12:52 Adam Your boyfriend has a, uh, tattoo on his penis?

1:12:56 Yes, of a screw.

1:12:58 Caller Really?

1:13:00 Adam Flathead or panhead?

1:13:02 Flathead.

1:13:04 Adam Do you know what's a flathead?

1:13:06 I don't know.

1:13:06 Adam Does he know what kind of screw it is? I mean, is it like a machine screw or self-tapping screw?

1:13:12 Drew She's not amused.

1:13:13 Adam Not amused.

1:13:14 It's just a screw.

1:13:15 Adam Okay, just a screw. And that's kind of cool and ironic.

1:13:20 Drew Reminds me of that Welcome to Jamaica joke.

1:13:22 Adam Yeah. He should put a nut on his nuts.

1:13:26 Drew I think you'd like to see that go away, huh? You don't want more tattoos on it.

1:13:30 Yeah.

1:13:31 Adam Well, by the way, if you're hooked up with a guy who's got a tat on his dork, it's time to keep moving. That's just drug addict. That's just junkie. Something's wrong with the guy, right?

1:13:43 He's actually a really nice guy.

1:13:45 Adam What was he? I'm sure he's a delight. Let me close my eyes. I'm picturing Lord Fauntleroy. High knee socks, powdered wig, real old school. Yeah. Opening car doors, putting his coat down over puddles for you to step on.

1:14:01 Drew I'm sure she's the first one who's seen this tattoo.

1:14:05 Adam What does he do? Work at a video store?

1:14:07 Drew Yeah.

1:14:07 Caller He works at Blockbuster.

1:14:10 Adam Yeah. Let me tell you something. I can't believe it. All right. What does the thing say on there? What is her question? Hold on a second. By the way, no one is ever impressed with my clairvoyant abilities.

1:14:21 Drew I'm more than impressed. I'm awed.

1:14:23 Adam What does it say on the screen about it?

1:14:24 Drew Boyfriend has a screw tattoo on penis, wants him to remove it before sex.

1:14:29 Adam Right. Anything about working at a video store?

1:14:31 Drew No.

1:14:31 Adam No. Here's how I know he works at a video store. Because this is some sort of corral for the damned. This is where the unemployable end up. It's sort of the gutter of all the runoff just ends up at the video store. These are people that are completely unemployable. Now, they could be employed in the construction trades because we accept all these mutants too, except for they don't know anything. So they just end up at the video store. The weirdest people in the world end up at the video store. Is there some sort of law that they have to employ people that are unemployable?

1:15:07 Drew I don't know how you do that. I saw in a friend of yours last week and they were afraid. They said, now, don't tell Adam this because if you do, he'll figure out what his new girlfriend does for a living.

1:15:17 Adam Yes, don't tell me things.

1:15:19 Drew And I said, come on. And they said, nope, the guy has an uncanny ability to predict profession. So that is amazing.

1:15:25 Adam All right, well, here's the thing. How long to remove a penile tattoo? Same?

1:15:32 Drew Yeah.

1:15:32 Adam Same as if it's on your shoulder?

1:15:34 Drew Yeah. Yeah, really, it's no different.

1:15:37 Adam You're going to need a little bump, though, in the price department, right? No. A little hazardous duty?

1:15:43 Drew No, it's a medical procedure, so I'm not going to...

1:15:45 Adam Yeah, but let me tell you something. Some playmate comes in, and once her little bunny ear's taken off her right boob...

1:15:54 Drew Same price.

1:15:54 Adam Same price as the dude who works at Blockbuster staring at his dork for an hour at a time?

1:16:01 Drew I'm a physician. This is not a recreational sport.

1:16:03 Adam You're a man first.

1:16:05 Drew No, no, no, no. You put the white coat on and...

1:16:07 Adam All right, all right. Still, it's got to... It's got to be horrible, though, when the guy comes in and drops his pants. What do you do with his penis? You put it on something? You put on like a bun that you work off of or something? Where's the penis? Where does it sit? Does he stand up? Does he lie down?

1:16:28 Drew Wherever he's most comfortable.

1:16:30 Adam If you were going to take a tattoo off my penis, how would I do it? How would we stand?

1:16:34 Drew You'd probably lay down and we'd put a drape underneath.

1:16:40 Adam There's various ways.

1:16:41 Drew Listen, I've sewn them up.

1:16:42 Adam Let me tell you some of that. First off, nothing worse than the sack, the smell of a sack, male sack. Nothing worse than male sack. Then, nervous male sack. You know, come in, you get all that flop sweat going down in the jockeys because you're worried about the doctor. So you get nervous, sack sting. Then boom, you hit a rogue sack hair with that laser. You get to smell that cooking.

1:17:09 Drew Oh yeah, that's...

1:17:10 Adam You know what I mean?

1:17:10 Drew Well yeah, no, the hair is...

1:17:12 Adam Yeah, you put that drape on the sack and put the dork on the drape, right?

1:17:17 Drew Right.

1:17:17 Adam And then what if the guy starts getting erect?

1:17:20 Drew Ain't going to happen, believe me. Ain't going to happen.

1:17:22 Adam All right. All right. Let's take ourselves a... How much to do the guy's dork?

1:17:30 Drew It depends how big the tattoo is.

1:17:33 Adam Candice?

1:17:34 Caller Yes?

1:17:35 Drew How many square inches of ink is there?

1:17:36 Adam How big is...

1:17:39 Caller It's about two inches long.

1:17:41 Adam About two inches long?

1:17:42 Drew Yeah, that's all right. Seventy-five dollars of treatment. All right.

1:17:45 Adam And it'll get to four inches, but it'll probably be more like five-eighths of an inch when you see it. So, Candice, it's going to take a while for him to remove this. How about you just give it up? Have some sex.

1:17:56 Caller Oh, it makes it seem like a joke. I don't want to have our first time to be a joke. I want it to be special.

1:18:08 Adam What if you put a condom on that would cover it up? No. No?

1:18:15 Drew It takes time.

1:18:16 Adam It's going to take a year to get rid of this thing, Candice.

1:18:19 Caller That's fine.

1:18:22 Adam Really? No problem?

1:18:23 Drew Let's get him on the line.

1:18:24 Adam You're really into this guy? How about oral sex?

1:18:29 Caller Yeah, it's not the same thing.

1:18:31 Adam So you will give him some oral sex?

1:18:33 Caller Yeah. Is there some way to get it removed to keep down the scarring?

1:18:39 Adam Yeah. They use a laser, but it takes eight or ten sessions. It could take a year.

1:18:44 Drew Yeah. Does he have a propensity to scarring and forming keloid?

1:18:47 Adam Guys, we've got to break. She doesn't.

1:18:49 Drew All right.

1:18:50 Adam Let me just ask Candice quick. Is it a slot head screw or Phillips head?

1:18:55 Caller I don't know. You don't know?

1:18:58 Adam It must be nice. It's Phillips head. You know, the head of the screw. They got to draw the head in. Is it an axe or is it a line?

1:19:07 Drew She doesn't know.

1:19:08 Adam I would know if I were her.

1:19:10 Caller This is your new record, girl.

1:19:11 Caller It's the longest Loveline segment ever.

1:19:14 Adam Well, let's take a break. Should we take a break? I've set a new record.

1:19:18 Drew Can we upset Anderson more by waiting?

1:19:20 Adam Yeah, but he'll just pull the plug on the whole thing. Commit suicide. So we'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

1:19:28 Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:19:51 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. What a delight Dr. Bruce is. All right. Now, someone who's a tattoo artist who's inking someone right now. Well, actually, I say right now, he's been on the hole for 40 minutes.

1:20:11 Drew It's priceless.

1:20:13 Adam Case. Case. I probably put the phone down. He was just there. Case.

1:20:26 Caller Hello?

1:20:27 Adam Case, can you hear me?

1:20:29 Caller Yeah.

1:20:30 Adam What's up?

1:20:31 I have crazy interference.

1:20:37 Drew It's the ink gun.

1:20:38 Adam Yeah. You think that's your phone? Can you hear me now?

1:20:42 I can hear you better now. I'm like getting major echo on my own voice. I turned off the radio and everything.

1:20:48 Adam Well, spit your question out and then we'll answer it.

1:20:51 Well, here's my question. My question is, I'm a tattoo artist, and people are always asking me what about removing tattoos? And I'm usually sending to a doctor named Dr. Pop Cow in Mar Vista. I don't know if you're familiar with him.

1:21:14 Drew I know Steve. He's a great guy, does great work.

1:21:16 You know him.

1:21:17 Adam Bruce called him a homo about ten seconds ago before we went on air. Said he hates him.

1:21:23 Drew Steve Pop Cow's a great guy.

1:21:23 I know there's the YAG laser and the Ruby laser and uh... CO2 laser and all these things. I've had people come here and give me cards and say we do tattoo removal and I'd say what kind of laser do you use? And they go uh... what kind of laser do we use?

1:21:40 Adam What is the best? Alright, well what's your question, Case?

1:21:43 My question is when people come and tell me, ask me like you know...

1:21:49 Drew Okay, they're lasers that are used.

1:21:51 What kind of laser should I tell people to look for? What am I... what's the best kind of laser that...

1:21:58 Drew Okay, the most commonly...

1:21:59 Adam Hold on a second. I'll put him on hold. He can turn his radio up now and listen to your response.

1:22:04 Drew Oh, that's good.

1:22:06 Adam Yeah, go ahead.

1:22:07 Drew The most commonly used and probably about the best is a Q-switched ND YAG, or a lot of people just call it the YAG laser.

1:22:13 Adam How does that work?

1:22:15 Drew Well, the difference between that and other lasers that you use in the skin, it's an ultra-high energy but ultra-short pulse. So the normal skin type laser, you're in the thousandths of a second. This thing's approaching a billionth of a second literally with the newer technology. So, incredibly high energies though. You're in the literally thousands of times more energy than another type of skin laser. So it's thousands of times less.

1:22:38 Adam Is it better for certain things or better for everything?

1:22:41 Drew It's almost exclusively, Q-switched lasers are almost exclusively used for tattoo removal because you get this extremely high. It's like throwing your photon is a light particle. So you have extremely high energy but you don't let them accumulate heat in the skin and burn the skin. So somebody will walk out.

1:23:00 Adam You don't use it. It just, it does it in pulses.

1:23:04 Drew Thanks Andrew.

1:23:05 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

1:23:07 Drew So you walk out, you don't even have blood anymore. In the last ten years, there have been a lot of improvements in the technology so that you had a little swelling most of the time, but no bleeding.

1:23:16 Adam When they talk about laser surgery, when they talk about like a doctor who's doing labia plasti and there's asymmetry in a woman's labia and so he's going to use a laser to take off the extra stuff.

1:23:33 Drew That's totally different. Yeah.

1:23:34 Adam It's different, but is it a laser? Is it a laser knife essentially? I mean, are they cutting flesh with the laser?

1:23:42 Drew Right. That's...

1:23:43 Adam They are. There's no... When they say laser surgery with that kind of surgery, are they talking about a laser beam that is cutting the flesh, sort of James Bond-esque? Yeah.

1:23:53 Drew I mean, I'm not an expert on labia surgery, but people are using lasers to cut in different... You know, they're used in different parts of the body, different organ systems. For the skin, they've gotten away more from doing things like resurfacing, where you're burning off skin, to more non-invasive, no downtime procedures.

1:24:11 Adam So you want the YAG laser, best for removing tans.

1:24:15 Drew Yeah, well, Ruby laser, Alexandrite are okay. And the most commonly used laser now, I'd say what's happened over the years, people have gone to ND YAG, or let's just call them YAG lasers.

1:24:29 Adam And when you shut it, you got to yell YAG off. And it's... You tell your sister. And where are most of these out of? Mexico?

1:24:38 Drew No, most of them are made in America. There are a lot of Chinese systems coming on.

1:24:43 Adam What about Mexico?

1:24:44 Drew Hmm. No.

1:24:46 Caller Hmm.

1:24:47 Adam Well, see? You sure?

1:24:50 Drew No.

1:24:51 Caller Hmm.

1:24:52 Adam American and Asians, huh?

1:24:54 Drew There are a lot of people going down to Mexico for other procedures.

1:24:57 Adam Yeah, but I mean where they're actually, you know, I'm sure the R&D goes on in Mexico and then they ship them to China for manufacturing.

1:25:05 Drew No, there's.

1:25:07 Adam No.

1:25:08 Caller Hmm.

1:25:09 Drew A lot of.

1:25:10 Adam Hmm.

1:25:11 Drew A lot of R&D right up in Silicon Valley. Hmm.

1:25:14 Adam Right here in the States.

1:25:15 Drew Yep.

1:25:16 Caller Hmm.

1:25:17 Drew Hmm. Shock.

1:25:19 Adam Yeah. Wow. See, it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. A huge man. Catrice?

1:25:27 Yes. Hi.

1:25:28 Adam You're 20?

1:25:29 Caller Yeah, I'm 20.

1:25:30 Adam What's up?

1:25:31 Caller Um, I have a question for Dr. Bruce. I'm trying to apply to med school now. And my personal thing is I was in the closet.

1:25:40 Adam Hold on a second. You know, my theory with Mexico is as long as they listen to that horrible, horrible ranchero music, they're never going to invent anything. Oh, you know what I'm saying?

1:25:51 Caller No.

1:25:53 Adam You ever hear that ranchero music? You can't have a space program and play ranchero music. You know what I'm saying?

1:26:01 Drew They have totally different instruments. I'm not even feeling that.

1:26:04 Adam They got a guitar that got hit with gamma radiation and crew.

1:26:07 Drew Right.

1:26:08 Adam 8 times the size of a regular guitar. I'm just saying you can't listen to that music and invent stuff.

1:26:14 Drew Yeah, I think you need some like cultural diversity training or something.

1:26:17 Adam Oh, me?

1:26:17 Drew Yeah. Well, I'm not sensitivity, cultural sensitivity.

1:26:21 Adam I'm just saying, you know, that's why they don't have a space program. It's the Ranchero music. You got to think about that. You think scientists consider analysts in Ranchero music?

1:26:31 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:26:32 Adam Yeah, you know, I'm right. Listen, show me, show me a culture that listens to classical music. I'll show you a culture that's got a space program.

1:26:42 Drew Austria.

1:26:43 Adam All right, there you go.

1:26:44 Drew Yeah.

1:26:44 Adam All right. I'm just going to include that in Germany. Catrice.

1:26:50 Caller Yeah. Hi.

1:26:51 Adam You want to go to med school?

1:26:52 Caller Yeah.

1:26:53 Adam All right. What's what do you what do you got to say about that, Bruce?

1:26:57 Caller Oh, that's great. I didn't ask my question yet, though.

1:27:00 Drew Oh, OK.

1:27:01 Caller My mom's a drug addict, so my personal statement involves her. And my dad just thinks that's a really bad idea for me to talk about that.

1:27:10 Adam What's your personal statement? Is that how you get in?

1:27:13 Drew Yeah, part of it. That's it's an important part of it.

1:27:15 Adam But what was your personal statement? Who was I? I'm going to drive my sister's camera one day.

1:27:23 Drew What was your personal statement? I passed out a couple of times. I'll avoid this behavior in the future.

1:27:27 Adam Bold.

1:27:28 Drew All right. I've answered for myself.

1:27:30 Adam All right. Look, here's the deal. Your personal statement, I guess, is something you have to submit. When you're applying?

1:27:37 Drew You know, yeah, if I could figure out what medical schools are actually looking for, because there's a diversity of medical schools and a diversity of profiles. Okay, so some schools are just dead set on looking at your MCAT score and your GRAY, your GPA, and others take more interest in your personal statement and recommendations.

1:27:59 Adam Here's the thing. We got to take a break. If you're going to upset your mother because you're using her past drug abuse or current drug abuse as part of a statement, whatever that statement is, maybe you shouldn't do it.

1:28:12 Drew Well, they're going to look at your insight into what's happened and how you've handled it and what kind of...

1:28:18 Adam Leave your screw up family out of it. I agree with your dad. And I know you want to pay your mom back a little bit and this is a decent chance to do it. No, what are you talking about? Of course it is.

1:28:29 Drew Be prepared in the interview to discuss it and you really want to make...

1:28:33 Adam You want to discuss your mom's drug abuse? Really?

1:28:35 Drew They're going to talk about the family. You don't know what they're going to bring up. But if they ask you, what are you going to say? You need to be prepared for that.

1:28:40 Adam I'm not going to ask your mom's a junkie.

1:28:41 Drew But I want to know what she's done.

1:28:43 Adam Well, put her on hold.

1:28:44 Drew Okay.

1:28:44 Caller All right.

1:28:44 Adam We got to take a break. Look, you want to pay your mom back, your parents back, you get a radio show, you call your dad a pussy every night. It's awesome.

1:28:52 Caller All right.

1:28:53 Adam Let's take a break. We'll be right back after this.

1:28:56 Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:29:14 Adam Hello everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce. Tomorrow night, Spongebob is in studio. Not the guy who does the voice, but the actual mascot. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, we got him from City Walk. He's going to be hanging out. But you have some insights on who would accept six dollars an hour to almost die inside a mascot suit. Here's the thing, mascot suits in the summertime. That sounds like a bitch. Oh. You know what I mean?

1:29:50 Drew In Southern California.

1:29:51 Adam Heat-wise.

1:29:52 Drew Don't they have little air conditioners in there?

1:29:54 Adam I don't know. I don't see them dragging any extension cords or anything. I mean, like, if you're like a troll up at Magic Mountain, do they still have trolls over there?

1:30:03 Drew I don't know.

1:30:04 Adam Let me tell you some about this Magic Mountain. You know, their advertising campaign is that creepy, bald old guy with the weird glasses dancing his ass off? You don't know what I'm talking about. What? Do you see what I'm up against? You've seen that commercial 7,000 times, right? Everybody within the sound of my voice has seen that commercial 700,000 times. What is it about doctors, you and Drew, the same way? Like, you go, you know that stuff, it's not beer, it's not a wine cooler, they call it Zima. No, never. You know, you see the billboards. No. You know that show that Ozzy Osbourne's in on MTV, it's called the... No, no, no. But you've heard of it. No, no.

1:30:53 Drew It's sort of passive aggressive, actually.

1:30:55 Adam Yeah, well, you're going to have to skiff.

1:30:56 Caller I've been abducted by aliens and just let down again.

1:30:59 Adam Yeah. Look, the commercial, they run ad nauseam for Magic Mountain. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. The bald old man with the glasses and the suit, he's dancing his ass off. Huh?

1:31:13 Drew Do they run that on C-SPAN?

1:31:15 Adam Oh, don't get all...

1:31:18 Drew I haven't seen it.

1:31:19 Adam Don't turn your nose up. You cannot not see it. I'm going to give you two choices. Choice one, have seen it and remember it well. Choice two, have seen it and don't remember I've seen it. But not seen it is not on the menu.

1:31:36 Drew Okay, listen.

1:31:37 Adam It's impossible for you not to see it.

1:31:40 Drew I haven't seen it. I've seen every SpongeBob episode.

1:31:43 Adam Just tell me you've seen it and don't remember.

1:31:45 Caller Billboards and buses as well.

1:31:47 Adam Billboards, buses.

1:31:50 Drew I've not seen it.

1:31:52 Adam It's impossible to not, not see. It's like you telling me you haven't seen your feet. I don't believe you.

1:31:59 Drew It's not my feet, but I haven't seen my feet.

1:32:00 Adam You don't remember seeing your feet, but you've seen them.

1:32:03 Drew I bet you can't even remember why you were asking me if I've seen this.

1:32:07 Adam I'll tell you why. Because this is the worst advertising campaign since Domino's introduced the Noid. No, to UPS, what can Brown do for you? It's the worst idea. But here's the whole thing about this. Here's my life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, so this rant is null and void. You understand? But here's what happened. I'll speak to our engineer. They now take the most annoying guy in the new campaign as there's now two of them. They now use two of the creepy old men doing the crazy dance on top of the bus.

1:32:52 Caller Nothing?

1:32:53 Drew Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I've seen that. I don't remember on top of the book.

1:32:58 Adam You haven't seen anything. Are you asking me you haven't seen that?

1:33:02 Drew OK. Do you Tivo stuff?

1:33:04 Adam Do you? Yes, I do.

1:33:06 Drew It's ringing out. It's faintly ringing a bell.

1:33:09 Adam It is ubiquitous. You cannot drive through town without seeing the creepy old bald guy with the Swifty Lazar glasses in the in the suit doing the crazy dance.

1:33:18 Drew Can you make a medical analogy for me?

1:33:21 Adam It's like saying, well, look, I've never I've never seen. I don't know what a belly button is. I've never seen one because I'm not a doctor. Idiot. All right. I wash my hands with you and your ilk.

1:33:35 Drew Can I leave now?

1:33:36 Adam No. You stay here so I can punish you a little more and then you can leave.

1:33:39 Drew I'll avoid this behavior in the future.

1:33:41 Adam We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this. Keep things up with new Durex warming condoms. There's sex, and then there's Durex. Yeah. All right. Thanks for tuning in there, kiddies. Tom Kinney in here tomorrow night. SpongeBob to you. Cisco?

1:34:23 Yup.

1:34:24 Adam Here's the great, great news, Cisco.

1:34:26 Caller What's that, man?

1:34:28 Adam You won yourself a Durex Party Pack.

1:34:30 Caller Oh, cool. SpongeBob is in my house after tomorrow night show.

1:34:33 Adam Yeah.

1:34:34 Drew With a Durex Party Pack.

1:34:35 Adam He'll deliver it.

1:34:36 Caller Oh, great for him.

1:34:37 Adam Right in your can.

1:34:39 Caller By the way, I remember when you guys were talking about the Magic Mountain guy and stuff from all the Six Flags parks up here in Northern California. It scares the crap out of my friend's sister and she's 19.

1:34:48 Adam Yeah, it is the worst campaign I've ever seen.

1:34:50 Drew I remember now, by the way.

1:34:51 Caller Yeah.

1:34:53 Adam All right, Cisco, you are clearly the best call of the night.

1:34:57 Caller Yeah.

1:34:57 Adam I don't even know what your question is, but we got to go. So hang on. Hang on. And I'll tell you what, take Cisco's number. We'll put him on first tomorrow night. Bruce can talk to him, but we're also going to give him that Durex Party Pack. Yes?

1:35:09 Drew Excellent.

1:35:10 Adam All right. So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Bruce. Saying mahalo.

1:35:17 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:35:21 Adam The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold.

1:35:31 Drew Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, June 26, 2005