Episode 1000710693457

0:56 Voiceover The Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:01 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:04 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

1:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:17 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Hey, everybody.

1:21 Adam Ooh, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. Oh, he's not in. Phone number, 1-800-LLVE-191. Dr. Drew is in New York City tonight. Why? Because somebody dropped a nickel. That's right. He's over there doing something. Spokesman for something like some sort of vaginal lube or water-soluble ass butter or something that's going, something with the hindquarters or the sausage or the vag. That's what he's there for. But he's over there endorsing something. We'll find out what that is whenever he gets on the phone. He's out at Westwood 1 CBS in Manhattan tonight. I'm here in Los Angeles holding down the fort. I got things to talk about with you kids. I was going to talk about them with Drew. I'm guessing Drew is going to get on the phone. They'll work it out. Let me go to the phones. Ashley. Ashley.

2:28 Hello.

2:29 Adam 18. What's up, baby doll?

2:31 Oh, nothing. Just, you know, just telling how to tell my mother and father. I'm a lesbian. Yeah.

2:38 Adam Now, do you know you're a lesbian?

2:40 Yes, 100 percent.

2:42 Adam You're not just bi?

2:43 No.

2:44 Adam How many women have you been with?

2:47 Oh, about five.

2:49 Adam About five or five?

2:51 About, yeah, five.

2:53 Adam Okay. Here's the thing with you women. When you talk about how many guys you've been with or how many women you've been with, don't give me that like, I don't know, somewhere about, I don't know, 10, nine or 10. You guys know exactly how many people you've been with. You usually write it down. There's usually a list. I don't know why you guys keep that list because eventually your husband finds the list. The thing unfolds like an accordion, and drops onto the ground, and you see every single, it's like the Chinese phone book in there. It's like 700,000 names on this list. So is it five?

3:25 Caller Yeah, it's five.

3:27 Adam Okay. Five women. Yeah. Do you currently have a girlfriend?

3:30 Caller Yes, I do.

3:31 Adam You do? Yeah. Now, have your parents ever met her?

3:36 Caller No, nothing like that. You don't even know about it.

3:40 Adam They don't even know it. But couldn't you introduce her to your parents just as your friend?

3:45 Caller No. I'm just so scared to do it. Yeah.

3:49 Adam Now, couldn't you introduce her as your friend? What would be frightening about that? Like, I would introduce my friends to my parents, and they wouldn't think I was blowing them.

3:59 Caller Well, yeah, I would be, you know, I'm just scared to tell them. And, you know, because if you have little hints, it's like, you know, they tell me, you better not be a lesbian.

4:08 Adam Ashley, Ashley.

4:10 Caller Yes.

4:10 Adam Do you have a first language other than English?

4:15 Caller You do? Yeah.

4:16 Adam What is it?

4:18 Caller What is it?

4:19 Adam Okay. This is perfect. See, and by the way, here's how it works. If Drew doesn't fall off the line, our first call is completely coherent, energetic, and has big jugs. If Drew leaves, then I have to just end up just swinging, like trying to catch a fart in a butterfly net. That was, is she talking to me, I guess is my question. Like if you're just sitting at home listening to this, do you think Ashley is speaking to me or that I'm speaking to her? This just sounds like we took two random conversations and spliced them together. Doesn't even seem like she knows who she's talking to. Ashley.

4:55 Caller Yes.

4:56 Adam Can you hear me?

4:57 Caller Yes, I can hear you now.

4:59 Adam Okay. So for the eighth time, why don't you just introduce your girlfriend to your family as a friend of yours?

5:09 Caller Because she looks like a lesbian.

5:14 Adam She does.

5:14 Caller She acts like a bad.

5:16 Adam She acts like it too?

5:17 Caller Yes.

5:18 Adam Okay. She has the short cropped hair.

5:20 Caller Yeah.

5:22 Adam She wears a lot of flannel?

5:24 Caller Yes.

5:25 Adam Birkenstocks?

5:27 Caller No.

5:28 Adam Aggressive piercings?

5:29 Caller Yes, a lot.

5:32 Adam And she's carrying two golf bags like she's carrying?

5:36 Caller Yes.

5:37 Adam Okay. So, and do your parents, will your parents freak out if they find out you're a lesbian?

5:43 Caller Oh, definitely.

5:45 Adam How do you know?

5:46 Caller Because I know you told us from day one when I was growing up.

5:51 Adam And was your dad abusing you at the time?

5:53 Caller No.

5:54 Adam Nobody abused you?

5:55 Caller No.

5:57 Adam No sexual abuse, no physical abuse?

6:00 Caller No.

6:00 Adam Be honest.

6:01 Caller No.

6:02 Adam Your dad never raised a hand to you? No. Mom never slapped you around?

6:09 Caller My mom, yeah, slapped me around.

6:11 Adam Oh, yeah. Okay. All right.

6:13 Caller Not my father.

6:14 Adam What's the deal? Oh, your dad did the sexual abuse and your mom did the physical abuse?

6:20 Caller No.

6:20 Adam No. But your mom beat on you growing up?

6:23 Caller Yeah.

6:23 Adam All right. So now it's payback time.

6:25 Caller Yeah, I guess so.

6:26 Adam All right. Well, look, here's the thing. You know, we talk to women. Anyone we ever talk to who wants to announce any kind of truth to their parents, it's always payback time. And that's why we say, don't do it. It's just payback. Don't do it. But now I'm starting to think, well, your mom, you beat the crap out of your kid for 15 years, maybe deserve a little payback.

6:49 Caller Yeah.

6:50 Adam All right. But are you living at home?

6:53 Caller Oh, yes.

6:55 Adam See, here's the thing, Ashley. The whole payback thing is is cool when you're out of the house. Like, you know, that's what I do with my family. I just pull up my fancy car, I light a cigar with a hundred dollar bill and I laugh at the piles of junk they drive. And then me and my hookers leave and I do a nice big rail of coke. And I just laugh maniacally as I get my sports car and Brody on my dad's lawn. But when you're living at home, they pay you back. I mean, it's sort of like if you like, everyone wants to hawk a loogie on the warden, but not while you're in the prison. If you got to be in the prison for a few more years, you don't want to hawk a loogie on the shoot, a snot rocket on the what's Drew call it?

7:39 Caller Snot, snot shot.

7:41 Adam You don't want to shoot a snot shot on the warden if you have two more years to do in the joint because those two more years are going to be miserable. Oh yeah. Do wait till you leave. Okay so Ashley, listen to me.

7:52 Caller Yeah.

7:53 Adam When you get out of the house, when you get a job, when you get an apartment, then you tell your parents you're a lesbian. Not before then. Alright, repeat that to me.

8:02 Caller Alright, tell them when I leave, then tell them.

8:06 Adam That's right. Don't do it while you're living there. They're going to abuse you more.

8:10 Caller Okay.

8:11 Adam Alright, good luck with that.

8:12 Caller Okay.

8:13 Adam Alright, fantastic. And then you don't even know if you're an actual lesbian or you're just trying to piss your mom off. Alright, let's talk to... Jeremy.

8:27 Yeah.

8:27 Adam What's up?

8:30 Well, I guess you could say I'm kind of losing my sex drive with my girlfriend.

8:36 Adam How long you been with her?

8:39 Year, year and a half, maybe less, maybe more.

8:42 Adam Alright, you're very vague about that. And you don't know if it's a year or a year and a half?

8:49 It's pretty close to a year and a half.

8:51 Adam Pretty close to a year and a half. And when did you... Do you attribute this to anything? Did she pack on some weight? Did you start, I don't know, slamming heroin? Is there something going on?

9:04 Well, we are kind of intimate at least four times a week.

9:10 Adam Oh, that's pretty good. That's more... That's a good year for engineer Chris. And that's with himself. Yeah, jeez. Yeah. That's pretty good, man. That's damn good. So what's the problem? You got four days a week. What were you at before?

9:25 Nothing. She was my first.

9:27 Adam Yeah, I know. But what was the cadence that you guys were at sexually before you slid down to four times a week?

9:35 We just pretty much went four times a week as soon as we started.

9:40 Adam Hold on a second, Engineer Chris.

9:43 Yes.

9:44 Adam Go get me a number two pencil and sharpen it. I'm going to fall on it. OK?

9:48 Caller OK.

9:49 All right.

9:50 Adam He was telling me he's losing interest in his gal pal.

9:54 Yeah, it looks like they haven't lost interest.

9:56 Adam Well, they've had sex four days a week the first week. And now on week 75, four days a week. So how is it that you're losing interest when you're doing it exactly the same amount as you ever were?

10:09 Well, she wants it.

10:13 Adam She's forcing you to have sex with her four days a week.

10:17 But really forcing me?

10:19 Adam You're not into her anymore.

10:22 Yeah.

10:22 I am, but I ain't.

10:24 All right.

10:24 Adam We'll break up with her then.

10:27 Okay.

10:27 Adam Go ahead. Now break up. Now break up. Now break up. Now break up. Now break up.

10:32 Caller Now break up.

10:33 Adam Now break up. Now here's the thing, Drew, are you there? All right. Well, let's at least hear some virtual, Drew, by the way. But if you're with somebody for a year and a half and you're 19 years old and you met them when you were 17 or 18 and you just ain't that into them, they ain't flipping your cookie anymore, it's time to break up. That's not like you guys have been together and you had three kids and she caught you having an affair and there's some turbulence in the relationship. No, you're 19 and you're tired of humping somebody. That's God telling you it's time to pull out, pack up and move on. All right, Anderson? Now Anderson's probably trying to get Drew on the line. Drew's out in New York City again. Why engineer, Chris?

11:22 Caller Someone dropped a nickel.

11:23 Adam That's right. When I tell Drew you said that, that is very, very disrespectful. Oh, he's not going to be happy to hear that. Mikell?

11:34 Caller Yes.

11:34 Adam You're 16?

11:36 Caller Yes.

11:37 Adam What is up?

11:39 Caller Oh, well, nothing much. First off, I want to say, hey, what's up, and how's your world today?

11:44 Adam My world's fine. How's your world, Mikell?

11:48 Caller It's nice. It's all right. Things are okay.

11:52 Adam All right.

11:53 Caller And the thing with me is, well, I'm gay, and I haven't told anyone. And I don't want to seem trite and give you another gay call tonight, but you know, whatever.

12:03 Adam Well, Sunday is a gay night here on Love Line.

12:05 Liar! Liar whore!

12:06 Adam Liar whore!

12:07 Caller You know it! Hmm.

12:09 Adam Anderson is thinking you may be sound too gay to actually be gay.

12:14 Caller Really?

12:15 Adam Do you have a boyfriend?

12:16 Caller No.

12:17 Adam Do people accuse you of being gay?

12:20 Caller Once. But that was because I was with somebody else. The people, you know what I mean? Yeah. I really don't have the word to describe it. No.

12:30 Adam All right. That was an interesting way of answering the question. It's like once because one time I was, hey, what does that mean? You got caught doing something with somebody? What is that?

12:46 Yeah.

12:46 Adam Yeah.

12:46 Yeah.

12:47 Adam You. Here's the thing. How many guys have you been with?

12:53 Caller None.

12:54 Adam None.

12:55 Caller None.

12:55 Adam How do you know you're gay?

12:57 Caller It's just one of those things. I'm sure about it.

13:00 Adam You feel that way?

13:01 Caller Yeah. I know I'm black. My skin is brown.

13:05 Adam And you know you're gay. You don't you don't need to cornhole a guy to know you're gay.

13:12 Caller Right. All right.

13:14 Adam You always felt that way?

13:16 Caller Yeah, pretty much.

13:17 Adam Any any molestation or anything like that?

13:20 Caller No. Family life. Pretty cool.

13:23 Adam Pretty cool. All right. Now, who do you want to tell you're gay to?

13:26 Caller They'll be my friends right now. Mm hmm.

13:29 Adam And are you worried about the way they're going to react?

13:32 Caller Yeah, because I have some friends and I know they will be completely cool with it because they're like, I hang out with a little tolerant artist crowd in my school. And then I have some that I know will be completely against it and I will lose the level of comfort that I have with them now. And.

13:48 Adam All right. Well, let me give you this same advice I gave to my young Latin lesbian princess who I spoke to 10 minutes ago. Dropping bombs on your parents when you're living at home.

14:00 Caller Oh, wait. Adam.

14:02 Adam Yeah.

14:02 Caller I don't really want to tell my parents because that seems like something that doesn't want to come up.

14:06 Adam I understand that. And that's a healthy impulse. And I know you don't want to tell your parents, but I'm using that as an example, a metaphor, which is telling your parents is a bad idea because you're still living at home. And telling your friends is tough when you're still in school because high school is its own mini society. And sometimes people aren't as open-minded as they could be. There's a lot of 16, 17, 18-year-old guys who would take that information and use it against you. And so my feeling is, and I know Drew would say the same, if he wasn't doing what in New York, Engineer Chris? Picking up that nickel. That's right. If he was not in New York, picking up that nickel for that water-soluble ass loop, he would tell you the same thing I'm about to tell you, which is you can keep it under your hat until you get out of high school, because this could backfire on you. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you're feeling or the way you are, or even the impulse to say it. I'm just saying the upside is you feel comfortable in front of a couple close friends. But the possible downside is possible ass-kicking, being ostracized. Just, it's not a great idea to drop this kind of bomb in high school. So I would just keep this one under my hat for about another year and a half until I graduated. Then you go to some progressive hippie college up north where if you're not gay, you're actually suspended. That's right. Oh yes, they have them. Anderson, you are still working hard to find Drew on the other line? All right. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it's just me and the kiddies tonight. Although a little virtual Drew every once in a while, like the Drew Boogie or the Drew Shuffle. Be nice.

16:01 Drew If you have Izzy, you'll be out of the house.

16:08 Adam That's a little sampling, a little Hickory Farms sampling platter of Dr. Drew. Let's see. Friends know he's gay. Anna.

16:22 Caller Hi.

16:23 Adam 19?

16:24 Caller Yep.

16:25 Adam What's up?

16:26 Caller Okay. I masturbate a lot. Like, well, I did a couple weeks ago. This past week, though, I was just menstruating, so I wasn't. But for like two weeks, I masturbated every day. And mostly twice a day.

16:44 Adam Twice a day.

16:46 Caller Yeah. I don't. Yeah.

16:47 Adam And I went once in the morning, once in the evening. What's your technique? How do you break it down?

16:53 Caller In the morning and at night.

16:55 Adam Mm hmm. All right. You got a vibrator?

16:58 Caller Yes.

17:00 Adam Where do you hide it?

17:01 Caller Where do I hide it? In my sock drawer.

17:04 Mm hmm.

17:06 Adam You living at home or are you out of the house?

17:08 Caller I'm out of the house. Well, actually, right now, I'm at home.

17:12 Adam Do you pack your vibrator when you go home?

17:15 Caller Yeah. I bring it a lot of places. Sure.

17:18 Adam You need the essentials. You got a toothbrush. Why not bring the vibrator, right?

17:22 Caller Yeah. Why not?

17:23 Adam Yeah.

17:24 Caller All right. Okay. Well, I exercise like every other day. And the period of time where I am vibing it every day of the week, my exercising level seems a lot lower. Like, I don't seem to be as energized as usual, and I just seem to get tired quicker. But then, like, the week where I'm not doing that, I'm actually doing really well exercising, and my energy level is really high, and, like, my heart rate is, you know, stronger and everything. So I just want to know if there's the sex drive hormone and, like, an exercise drive hormone or something like that go hand in hand, that it's like you release your sex drive hormone.

18:09 Adam Now, I mean, look, I'm no Dr. Drew, but we did basically discuss this for males last week when we had some of the guys from The Contender in here. By the way, great fight tonight on The Contender. Talking about that sort of wives' tale, or at least something close to wives' tale, that, you know, it's supposed to sort of save your chi for your energy and all that stuff. And we've never even heard it brought up with a female. I mean, I suppose almost any physical activity or physical release would slow you down a little bit. I mean, maybe no different than if you'd, you know, I don't know, burned a few calories, you know, I don't know, gardening or something the day before you worked out. I mean, how, how many calories you burning with that vibrator?

19:00 Caller Oh, wow, I don't know. A lot, maybe?

19:05 Adam Well, I mean, how long does it take you? How long's the session last?

19:08 Caller Okay, in the morning, since I like got to sleep or whatever, it doesn't take that long in the morning. But at night, it does take a lot longer. I'd say like in the morning, it takes like 10 minutes, maybe, maybe. And then at night, it'll take like half hour. It'll just take forever. And like, but then I thought, I'm just wondering, like, should I just stop doing it?

19:32 Adam Well, here's the other thing too. All right, let me explain something too. And I'll tell you probably how it works. Drew, yes.

19:39 Drew Can you hear me?

19:40 Adam Yes, I can. Oh my God. I'm going to bet you that it's a psychological thing.

19:47 Drew What is?

19:48 Adam She's talking about exercising and using her vibrator and claiming them.

19:54 Drew But all that stuff is sort of obsessive-compulsiveness, right? She's obsessively exercising, she's obsessively masturbating.

20:00 Adam Well, no, she, hold on. She says she only exercises every other day.

20:04 Drew So I wouldn't call that obsessive. But she's doing it to try to obviate the need to masturbate, is that right?

20:09 Adam No, even though I don't know what obviate means, I'm still gonna say no.

20:14 Drew To reduce the need to masturbate.

20:16 Adam Yeah, no, I don't think so. I think she just exercises every other day like any other.

20:21 Drew Well, here's the old exercise. Exercise can actually increase your tendency to masturbate by raising testosterone levels. So that's particularly if you're doing resistance training. So if you do exercise, what? She wants to know.

20:31 Adam Hold on, Drew, Drew, hold on a second, buddy.

20:33 Drew Dude, I got a head of steam here. I got a head of steam, man.

20:35 Adam Drew, get out of the gate swinging.

20:36 Drew Listen, you have no idea what I'm sitting here doing. Pacing, man, pacing.

20:39 Adam Pacing. I know, a caged cat. Yes.

20:42 Drew Oh my God.

20:42 Adam A boomer.

20:43 Drew You have no idea.

20:44 Adam A white panther ready to pounce. All right, here's what I'm saying.

20:48 Drew I've been yelling to this mic for 20 minutes at the things you were saying, and now I have my chance.

20:52 Adam Yeah, my sagely advice made you jealous. Now listen.

20:56 Drew Well, it made me think my job was safe.

20:58 Adam Here's her situa- Here's the situation. She exercises every other day, and has somehow put some pattern together that on the days she masturbates, she has no energy to work out. Now here is what I'm going to float. I'm going to say there's no actual real connection here. I'm going to say she had a bad workout. Like, you know, okay, and Drew, you know how this works. Sometimes you go to work out, you feel like you have full-blown AIDS. Like, just every weight feels heavier. You can't move. You feel old. You feel slow. And then there are other days we feel energized and great. And then, like a superstitious native, you start connecting things to it. Well, I had a McGriddle sandwich that morning, therefore, this gave me this or this gave me that. I'll guess that she masturbated maybe once, maybe twice, and had a couple of bad workouts just because nothing to do with masturbation. That was her rhythm. Then, from that time on, made the equation between masturbating and bad workouts and had a self-fulfilling prophecy.

21:59 Drew I think it's a reasonable idea to float, and I know it hurts you deeply to in any way question someone's masturbatory habits. But this business of taking a half hour on the second time at night, taking forever and yet still having to get there, what is she's up to? Why she's having to use masturbation so compulsively? That's where I got the compulsive thing. Then she was sort of saying, what I thought I heard her say was she was exercising. She was hoping to exercise and reduce the masturbatory habit.

22:26 Adam I don't think that's what we can ask her. Some people use sex as a weapon, Drew. I use beating off as a weapon.

22:35 Drew I know. When provoked. You're sort of like a superhero when it comes to that, in fact.

22:40 Adam Only when I'm provoked. Anna?

22:42 Drew Yeah.

22:43 Adam All right. How long does it take you to do it at night?

22:46 Caller Like half hour.

22:48 Drew I told you.

22:49 Caller Does ortho-Evra have anything to do with...

22:51 Drew Yeah. It can make it... Well, did you go up or down with your sex drive when you went on the Evra? That the pill?

22:57 Caller That's the patch, I think.

22:59 Drew Is that the patch?

23:00 Caller Yeah, the patch. I went up. And also, like, I had a question about ortho-Evra. I'm on antibiotics as well. But I was told that that doesn't interfere because it goes through a different system.

23:11 Drew Right, because the oral pill is the one that goes through the liver. The one that goes through the skin doesn't pass through the liver. But Adam, you know how these things go. There's got to be some trauma stuff.

23:20 Adam All right. Any trauma? What do we need to know about?

23:23 Caller Hmm? About my childhood? I don't know. I was always I just I was realizing this like a like just this year. When I was really young, I did the same thing. I well, I didn't like use a vibrator, but I didn't masturbate when I was really young. And I didn't know it like, right?

23:41 Drew Well, so that usually is oftentimes that's a sign that there's a lot of chaos in your home. So is there chaos in the home?

23:48 Caller Well, I never got abused. I never got hit. I grew up. My parents got divorced when I was four. My dad, he's always there. He still is. But my dad, the reason I got divorced, my dad was an alcoholic.

24:00 Drew All right. So that's that's the kind of that is a very, very. We see that all the time in the children, not all the time, but frequently when somebody is a bad addict or alcoholic, we will hear reports from the schools that the children of our patients, the ones who are in treatment, are starting to expose themselves in class, starting to masturbate, and they don't know what they're doing. It's just a way of trying to control their affect, their feelings. They start self-stimulating. And that's what this is all about.

24:24 Adam Her question about not having energy is sort of neither here nor there. Right, right. Maybe a little therapy for dad being an alcohol. No, alcohol, maybe she should go to Al-Anon or something. Her dad was an alcoholic.

24:35 Drew Wouldn't hurt, but if she has stable relationships, she's able to be happy, doesn't have any major symptoms. Go ahead and cut down. Go ahead. It's all right.

24:42 Adam On masturbation. No, you can do that too. But Drew, if somebody grew up and their father was an alcoholic, wouldn't you just suggest they go to Al-Anon?

24:50 Drew It's always a great idea. It's of course a great idea, but what motivates them to go if they're not having symptoms, if they're having stable relationships, they're not, you know, in fact, she should probably choose an alcoholic to get involved with, and then she needs to go to Al-Anon.

25:00 Adam All right. Well, better yet, this whole call reminded me of a good idea, which is Duracell or EverReady or Energizer, just start coming out with a line of batteries specifically made for vibrators.

25:12 Drew Yes. Forget the flashlight battery.

25:14 Adam They always use the flashlight. And by the way, when I see that flashlight, you know, it's a long, cylindrical shape, a big knob on the end. I know what they're talking about.

25:22 Drew Nice.

25:23 Adam Big shaft of light, white light coming from the end. Please.

25:26 Drew Where do you think that idea came from?

25:28 Adam I know what that is. But the point is, is I feel like if you came out with a vibrator battery, you could really make some money in this country because it's a brand. Here would be the vibrator battery. It doesn't, it doesn't peak and it doesn't drop off. It's just an even flow because you put the vibrator batteries in and the thing goes sick for like 20 minutes, you know? I mean, you chip a tooth, you could tear a perineum, and then could poke out your ass. I've had ones get away from me and I can't get them again.

25:59 Caller It's like, I, I, I, I, I, I.

26:01 Adam They run away. They're running across, I dive, they squirt out from between my outstretched arms. This one just same, here's the deal. The same, same brand new, it gives out the same power as it does 10 seconds before it burns out. And it lasts longer. Nice even flow, huh? No spikes. All right, Drew over there in New York City tonight, me out here in Los Angeles. We'll take a quick break. When we come back, Jordan is dating a girl in the Israeli army.

26:33 Drew Oh, interesting.

26:34 Adam I don't know, she likes it rough. Oh, well, we'll take a quick break and we'll talk to Jordan after this.

26:43 1-800-LOVE-191.

26:45 Adam Loveline.

26:46 Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

26:49 We'll be right back.

27:07 Adam Hey, everybody.

27:08 Caller It's Loveline.

27:09 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew in New York City.

27:14 Drew And I have a strange sort of wistful, almost depressed feeling walking around here, because I was walking around by myself, and you were with me last time I was here. I'm actually missing you. I'm missing you.

27:24 Adam I was there alone last time. I was there as well.

27:28 Drew But you didn't miss me.

27:29 Adam No, I thought about you, but I took the long lonely walk down that endless corridor.

27:35 Drew Yes.

27:36 Adam Where you end up on the set of the CBS Evening News, getting yourself some crappy coffee.

27:41 Drew Well, we talked about all those huge bundles of wires. That's exactly where I got that kind of wistful feeling.

27:46 Adam Yeah, that whole building is like being in the bow of a Soviet sub.

27:53 Drew Right.

27:53 Adam Like, there's just stuff everywhere in that place. Let me say this.

27:58 Drew It is sort of Circa 72, yeah.

28:00 Adam I got a couple of things to say. I went to the Costco yesterday and dropped $2,000 on nothing, by the way. I don't even know what I bought. About like a 55-gallon drum of sunflower seeds and just 7,000 diapers. I don't even know why.

28:19 Drew Is there something you want to tell us?

28:21 Adam No, but you can't go up and down an aisle there without seeing something that seems like a good idea to buy. And at the end- There's nothing worse because I was with my buddy and he's like, how much do you think you spent? I was like, 876, 870, no, 877, 878, 878.29 is like 2,042. Oh, Christ. Wow. That's brutal. So, but here's the thing. And I realize, because I actually went shopping yesterday and I went to the mall today. You know what the cool part about the mall is? At the mall, at the end of the mall, they have that one section where men just sit there waiting to die. It's like a couple of chairs in a half circle. It's like an encounter group. And there's a bunch of guys just sitting there that look like- If you could read the bubble over their head, it would just say, please, dear God, somebody kill me. Please, let a lighting fixture fall off the top of this godforsaken tomb of the damned, and just crush me where I sit. See, this is the place that guys hang out when they've run out of steam and the old lady wants to keep going. And so there's this weird sort of circle. It's like, they have like eight chairs, eight upholstered chairs, sort of in a semi-circle, and one coffee table in the middle. It's right in the front. It's right the mouth of the Bloomingdale's. And it's just a bunch of old guys sitting there just staring at the ceiling with drool pouring out of them.

29:49 Drew What do you mean? All ages.

29:52 Adam They're the ones that are old, and then there's the ones that are young and haggard, just beaten down. They're just sitting there.

29:59 Drew Everyone just looks old. Yeah, I'm with you on that.

30:02 Adam They're guarding a couple of bags.

30:04 Drew My sons come with me and sit there. They feel old. Seriously, they're like, oh, I think I'm gonna die.

30:10 Caller Get me home.

30:11 Adam Yeah, I know. It's funny. And it's so, I swear, I'm gonna make myself a note. There's a comedy bit and just going over there and interviewing those guys and finding out what is up. It's Sunday.

30:20 Drew Seeing a comedy bit, my producers ran into you at lunch on Friday.

30:23 Adam That's right. Yeah. I saw them in North Hollywood. They saw them? Yeah, it was funny. It's one of those things where it's like, hey, Drew's gonna be here in 20 minutes. And it was like, well, what are you gonna do? It was unbelievable. But I always thought people get really enthusiastic. Drew's showing up. Oh, they mean the guy I see 30 hours a week.

30:43 Caller The guy I see more than anybody.

30:45 Adam The guy I see more in my own reflection. The guy I see more than the top of my masturbatory hand. That guy's gonna be here in 20 minutes. Let me freshen up. I'm gonna douche real quick. I know. She seemed nice.

30:59 Drew Yes, we have very nice producers.

31:01 Adam But though all blonde chicks in their 30s in television seem like they have eating disorders.

31:06 Drew No.

31:06 Adam Their eyes are kind of bugged out.

31:08 Drew No, no. Not my producers.

31:10 Adam She's a delight. But anyway, we saw, ran into them, but we missed the elusive and great Drew. So let me just say this.

31:18 Drew You and I are living in North Hollywood now, living and working in North Hollywood all the time.

31:21 Adam Yeah.

31:22 Drew How weird is that?

31:23 Adam My hometown, no home. So here's the thing. So anyway, I'm at the Costco and the place is a zoo and there's cars circling the parking lot like buzzards looking for a space, you know? And then you get into that thing where somebody pushes their cart up and they're unloading into your car, into their car. And it's like, oh, here's a space. So you stop, you put your signal on, you're like, I'm going to get into this, this place. Now I'm always very cognitive of this as a shopper. When I see a car waiting, I'm just chucking stuff into my car, starting it up with the door still open and burning out in reverse. It's like, it's like an old LeMans start for me. I'm running, diving into the car through the window, like one of the Duke boys.

32:07 Drew Or you're waving them by like, no, it's going to take me too long. Leave, move on.

32:10 Adam Can't follow right this. Don't worry about me. Yeah. There's the, yeah. So if I'm just dropping stuff off at the car and I got to go back in or something, I immediately give them the wave off. Go, go take off. But if not, I'm throwing cars, I'm throwing junk in there like, like I'm ripping it off. And then peeling out in reverse.

32:31 Drew Yes.

32:31 Adam I'm always amazed at the people that have zero idea of what's going on, even though they probably did the same thing to get their parking space an hour earlier.

32:41 Drew It seems like, I really believe some people slow down when they see you waiting.

32:44 Adam Let me tell you what this C did on, on Saturday. She had about four items. And by the way, I love the people. I saw a guy leaving Costco, just holding a watermelon. And walking out to his car like, hey, at the store, the watermelon is 22 cents a pound. Over Costco, it's 17 cents a pound. You just killed the entire Saturday. You save 86 cents. Like, I like the guys who go in there to buy. Hey, what am I? What are you getting? I'm getting a pack of smokes and some orbit. Like, what? You mean you're getting a palette, a palette load of eat? No, no, just one. I'm just gonna get a watermelon and one banana. Like, you spent two hours parking to get a watermelon? There are people that are so exquisitely cheap that they buy like one thing there. But anyway, this chick for some reason had like five items. And so she pulls the car up and there's actually two cars waiting to turn in. There's me and there's another car. We both have our signals on and we're both coming from different directions. And she first off puts the things in the car like she's stalling and trying to think of a plan to escape, you know? It's like what you would do if you're going real, if you're making a prison escape movie, you know? Just super, the warden was watching, you're going really slow. Then she does something I've never seen before. She shuts the driver's side door, holds the alarm up in the air and hits the alarm on the car, which then made me think, okay, she's moving on now. I wish she'd signaled me, but she's moving on. She then proceeds to take her shopping cart, walk it around in front of her car, not put it back in the shopping cart corral, but just walk it in front of the car, about four feet, still just next to the bumper, drop the cart off, walk back to the car again, which so far she's only moved five feet, hit the alarm again, unlock the car, open the door a second time, and then get in the car, and then count to like 28 Mississippi, and slowly back out. Now what is that?

34:53 Drew Oh my God.

34:54 Adam What is that? And how come there's not guys just walking around going, let's move it fat ass, let's go, let's go. By the way, in what universe do you shut your car, hit the alarm, and then not get any further than your front bumper before you walk back to your car again?

35:11 Drew Unacceptable.

35:12 Adam I know, and what is it? There's cars circling everywhere, there's two cars waiting for a spot, both with the signal on, clear plane view, everything, no situational recognition at all, no situational awareness at all. That kind of stuff drives me nuts.

35:29 Drew I think there is some situation awareness and it's F you.

35:32 Adam Well, here's my thing, Drew. Here's my thing. You would like to go up and sock them in the ass because they do know you're waiting and their attitude is F you. I would like to go up and sock them in the ass because I don't think they think anyone on the planet exists other than them. I don't think they see you.

35:50 Drew Good point. Good point.

35:52 Adam Because it's two choices. One is F you and the other is F who? Nobody exists but me.

35:59 Drew Yeah, well, you're right.

36:02 Adam F who? That's heavy, brother.

36:03 Drew That is heavy, dude.

36:04 Adam That's really heavy. One watermelon. One watermelon. Walked out of a place with one watermelon.

36:13 Drew Crazy.

36:14 Adam All right. And here's all I'm saying. Can we can we do some sort of educational campaign, just some signs posted on the lights, you know, that say people are waiting for your space, moving along. How about the a-hole gets in the car, has to make himself an important cell phone call, strap in like a goddamn test pilot? You know, the guys sit.

36:35 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is where your move your ass policy would apply.

36:39 Adam Yes. I don't even, I get in my car, I'm thrown in reverse, the door isn't even closed yet.

36:44 Drew I'm with you.

36:45 Adam All right. Jordan?

36:47 Yeah.

36:47 Adam You're 19?

36:49 Caller Yeah, I'm 19.

36:51 Adam You sound like a delight. Are you on a speaker phone?

36:54 Caller I'm actually calling from an internet phone, actually. I'm in Israel.

36:59 Drew Oh, you're in Israel?

37:00 Adam In Israel. Wow.

37:02 Drew Are you, are you?

37:03 Adam Hold on, where's your dad?

37:05 Caller I'm back in the States, in Los Angeles.

37:08 Adam Come on.

37:08 What's my dad doing in Israel?

37:09 Drew There we go.

37:11 Adam Where's your dad?

37:12 Caller My dad's in Israel.

37:14 Adam Sir, what's your dad doing in Israel?

37:16 What's my dad doing in Israel?

37:19 Caller All right.

37:20 Drew Why would we never forget that call?

37:22 Adam I don't know why.

37:23 Drew Are you from the United States or are you from Israel?

37:26 Caller Yeah, I'm from Los Angeles. And I've been in Israel for about a year. I'm studying here.

37:30 Drew And you've been listening to us on the Internet?

37:34 Caller No, actually I haven't. There's no way I can. I don't think so.

37:37 Adam Thank you. Feels good to know you don't have fans all over the world.

37:41 Drew Is that true?

37:44 Caller If we got Loveline here, then I'd listen, but we don't.

37:47 Drew All right. What's happening? What's going on? By the way, there probably is a way to listen on the web. I don't know who's broadcasting on the web, but I'm sure somebody is. Go ahead. Go ahead.

37:56 Caller I don't know. I'm dating this girl who's in the Army. And we've been dating for about a month or so now. And she likes it kind of rough and bad, like in terms of stinking and stuff. And I'm not all that into it. And I just want to know what I should do.

38:18 Adam Let me ask this. First off, everyone in Israel who's 19 is in the Army, right?

38:24 Caller Right.

38:25 Caller Yeah.

38:26 Adam I mean, do you pretty much go in for a couple of years, like 18 to 20?

38:31 Caller If you're a male, you go in from three years, from when you graduate high school until three years later. And if you're a female, you do two years.

38:39 Adam Yeah. Oh, man. We'd have a better society if we did that here. Not our Army, the Israeli Army. We actually send everyone to Israel.

38:46 Drew Nice.

38:46 Adam All right. I wonder if there's any weird Palestinian bomber fetishes that go on with Israeli women. You know what I'm talking about?

38:55 Drew I think it's just, you know, all the violence and aggression can cause, can come out in sex, of course. And if she was sort of hit and knocked around as a kid, that sort of turns into something she needs for arousal in her adult life and sexual life.

39:08 Adam Do you think that happened?

39:10 Caller Well, I don't know. Her dad's like a sergeant in the army, or he was. I'm not sure. And she, she teaches soldiers in the army how to use M-16s and how to sharpshoot. And so she's kind of a tough individual.

39:28 Drew So people like that need, they need a lot of stimulation to experience arousal. And sort of think of it as if she was knocked around a bit as a kid, her arousal centers get, let's say, burned out. So in order to feel arousal, they have to have high levels of stimulation to feel into it. All right.

39:43 Adam But what do you do, Drew? Do you go along with it?

39:46 Drew You go along with it, provided that it doesn't get weird. It doesn't start to diminish the ability to be sexual for you and to feel close to her. If it becomes all about the fetish, all about the aggression, then that's distancing you from her in the relationship. And that's a problem. Do you see the difference? Yeah, it's a hard thing to judge, but if you feel yourself, hey, this isn't sex anymore, this is a beating. And all I'm thinking here is about how hitting this punching bag rather than having a sexual experience with this person, you've lost it, it's gone. And that's bad, that's a fetish. And then that's when you need to sort of get some help.

40:22 Adam Yeah. I think I would be miserable if I was in Israel.

40:27 Drew Why?

40:30 Adam It just seems like the world's worst amusement park.

40:33 Drew Let's make it easier. Where wouldn't you be miserable?

40:36 Adam There are places.

40:37 Drew Boobsville, Boobslot, where?

40:39 Caller Boobslot?

40:40 Adam I could see myself in Saint-Tropez.

40:43 Drew You know? Vegas, you're not miserable.

40:46 Adam French Riviera, yeah, it's too hot, too hot in Vegas. I see myself on the French Riviera, white dinner jacket.

40:52 Drew Yes.

40:53 Adam Using my name, using my last name first. Name's Corolla, Ace Corolla, you know what I'm saying?

40:58 Drew Oh, and then the Soviet sub pulls up.

41:01 Adam Drew, let me tell you an idea I had over the weekend, too.

41:04 Drew Oh, no, tell me.

41:06 Adam You know the game Marco Polo, kids play in the pool?

41:09 Drew Yes, Marco.

41:11 Caller Polo.

41:12 Drew Marco.

41:13 Adam Polo, fish out of water.

41:14 Drew Oh, no. Yeah. What do they yell, then? Fish out of water and they say...

41:19 Adam I don't know, I think you just dive back in the water. But here's the whole thing. I don't think kids really even know Marco Polo is.

41:26 Drew Oh, my kid's glad. Oh, who he is. Oh, of course not.

41:29 Adam No. No, they know. They don't know about some guy opening the spice route or something. They just know about a guy. Either probably think Marco Polo was a great inventor of swimming pools or something. Right. He invented the slide, the wet slide. Here's my point.

41:43 Drew Somebody that works for Ralph Lauren.

41:45 Adam It's high time we change Marco Polo to Adam Corolla.

41:49 Drew Adam. Corolla.

41:54 Caller Slap out of water.

41:57 Caller I like it.

41:58 Adam Give it a little thought.

41:59 Caller This summer I'm going to do that.

42:00 Caller Yeah.

42:00 Adam And you got to do it. You got to go.

42:01 Yeah.

42:01 Adam You got to go. Adam Corolla.

42:05 All right.

42:06 Adam Let's take a little break. We'll be right back. And when we get back, we'll speak to someone who had a little condom mishap after this.

42:21 Caller Loveline will be right back.

42:22 So get your problems ready. Ready.

42:47 Adam Yeah, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew in New York City.

42:53 Drew Yes, I'm in New York City, and the clearest thing I've ever heard Chris say was when he rang in on my behalf about what I was doing in New York to pick up because someone dropped a nickel. I've never heard him string so many words together before on the radio. I was shocked, appalled, delighted, happy for him.

43:11 Adam Yeah, well, I know you must have mixed feelings about it. The thing about engineer Chris, we've been here for a couple of years, and he's basically like if he was a dog and he said, look what I taught my dog to do. Watch him, watch him, watch him. Whatever his command, he'll start talking. And the dog just start humping the guy's life.

43:30 Caller I'm used to it. Whatever.

43:32 Adam Well, you just said that like two minutes before, you know, like, I know, but we've heard this a few times and it doesn't normally work out, but I was delighted tonight that you knew exactly why. Chris turned Chris up and appalled. And we'll just try it one more time very quickly. And Dr. Drew is in New York. Why, engineer Chris?

43:53 Caller Somebody dropped a nickel.

43:54 Adam Chris turned Chris up. Excellent.

43:57 Drew Chris turned Chris up. All right.

44:00 Adam Chris, turn yourself up. All right, now turn yourself down. I know we said we're going to talk about a condom call, but now I want to talk to Crystal. She's 19.

44:09 Drew All right.

44:10 Adam Crystal?

44:11 Caller Yeah.

44:12 Adam Crystal wants to get into a three-way relationship with boyfriend. Both are bi.

44:18 Caller Yeah.

44:19 Adam Your boyfriend is bi as well.

44:21 Caller Right.

44:23 Drew And you want to bring a third person into the bedroom with you too?

44:26 Caller Right.

44:27 Drew What kind of person? What gender of person?

44:30 Caller It really doesn't matter because we're both interested in both parties. It doesn't matter.

44:34 Adam What? Well, nothing is, you know, nothing usually doesn't really matter. I mean, I know that sounded a little bumpy, but what I mean is, is even if it's 60, 40, your boyfriend probably has a preference. Which is it?

44:51 Caller Probably girl.

44:53 Drew And same for you. You probably have a slight preference. Hold on.

44:55 Adam Shocking.

44:56 Drew Amazing.

44:57 Caller Yeah, girl.

44:58 Drew Girl. All right. So there you go. So really is it maybe, is this just, first of all, it's a great way to sabotage a relationship. Yeah. Secondly, it makes me wonder if it, what?

45:08 Caller That's what he said.

45:09 Cause he listens to you all the time.

45:10 Caller And he said.

45:10 Drew Okay.

45:11 Adam Well, when you're both bi, it's a great way to sabotage a relationship.

45:15 Drew Just being bi. Yeah.

45:17 Adam By the way, speaking of bi, bye bye bye, the way I like this ploy. You know, I'm going to try this one.

45:24 Drew Oh, you start out, you start out announcing you're bi.

45:26 Adam Yeah. Like I'm bi. You're bi. Oh, we're both bi. All right. We should bring somebody into the bedroom. What guy or girl? It doesn't matter to me. Let's just start with a girl and see how it goes. And then like 22 chicks later, I'm bi.

45:42 Drew Great strategy. I'm bi.

45:44 Adam Maybe we should bring a 23rd chick. No, no, we could bring some shlong in. That'd be cool, but I'm just saying, I'm bi. Maybe I'll get a chicken.

45:51 Drew The guy's just having threesomes all the time. And for her, and you could put it back on her too. I know you're bi too, and well, the shlong's here with me, and I want you to be happy and be able to act out your biness.

46:00 Adam Right, just banging chicks.

46:03 Drew It's a ridiculous thing, but I have to wonder, for some reason, when you just, again, I'm just sort of responding to you. What's her name?

46:10 Adam Her name is Crystal.

46:11 Drew Crystal. That's probably what I'm responding to, I think, by the way. You sure you're not lesbian, and this is just sort of a safe way to do that?

46:17 Caller Oh no, no, definitely not.

46:19 Caller I just enjoy both.

46:21 Adam How dare you. All right, well look, here's the deal, Crystal. You're bi, he's bi, both of you probably were hit by your stepdad or something happened to you. That's fine, there's chaos all over the place. Do whatever you want. Have your fun. You're saying that-

46:40 Drew But I realize this relationship won't last.

46:41 Adam They may.

46:42 Drew You're announcing that. But you've announced that by saying we're bi. Therefore, it's bye bye to this relationship so we can act out with other people.

46:49 Adam Right. So here's the deal. Don't get pregnant and then say bye bye sometime around August or September. But here's the other deal. If you guys are in fact serious about this relationship, then A, no third person and B, no proclamation that you're bi anymore. You're not bi, you're with this person and you're into whatever they are.

47:11 Drew Right. And if it happens to be a guy and you're a girl, you're now heterosexual for the time being.

47:14 Adam That's right. All right. We will take ourselves a little break. It's like when I announce I'm a rambling man to my wife every other day.

47:21 Drew She must love that. It's an excuse.

47:22 Adam We'll take a little break. We'll be right back after this.

48:02 Caller Hey, everybody. It's Loveline.

48:04 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1-er. Dr. Drew is in New York City. Why, Engineer Chris?

48:14 Caller Because somebody dropped a nickel.

48:15 Adam That's right. Always funny. Engineer Chris, I told him, well, I announced to the world, and you heard it here first, that I want to replace the kids' pool game, Marco Polo, with Adam Corolla. You know, again, an Italian last name, but a little more contemporary. It's something that kids can identify with.

48:38 Drew Yeah, but not a big deal.

48:39 Adam No, no, I disagree. I disagree. I disagree. I disagree.

48:44 Drew Oh, really?

48:45 Adam I disagree. I disagree.

48:47 Drew Go ahead.

48:47 Adam I dis-

48:48 Caller Huh?

48:50 Drew Yeah, okay.

48:50 Adam No, here's what I'm saying. Oprah has a magazine. It's not called Marco Polo. It's not called Polo. You know what I'm saying?

48:58 Drew What was her last name?

49:00 Adam Dr. Phil.

49:01 Caller I don't know.

49:02 Adam Dr. Phil has a show. It's not called Marco. You know what I'm saying?

49:06 Caller Larry King.

49:07 Adam Larry King. The Larry King Show. You think his real name is Marco Polo and he calls it the Larry King Show or you think his name's Larry King?

49:16 Drew Good times.

49:17 Adam I'm just saying, I'm not asking to put my name on a car. You know what I'm saying? I just want to I just want a kids game. Let's try it. Let's try it.

49:27 Drew Marco. Oh, Adam.

49:29 Caller Corolla.

49:31 Drew Adam.

49:32 Caller Corolla. Slop out of water.

49:36 Drew Slop out of water?

49:37 Adam Slop. Slop.

49:38 Drew Slop. No, no, no. It's got to be like Adam's masturbating.

49:44 Adam In the jacuzzi?

49:45 Caller Yeah.

49:46 Adam That's kind of a mouthful. Let's try. You got to do the masturbation.

49:51 Drew It's got to be something better. It's got to be something better.

49:52 Adam No, just try it. See if it sounds good.

49:54 Drew Adam. Adam.

49:55 Adam No, but you got to do it sing songy.

49:57 Drew Adam.

49:58 Adam Corolla.

50:00 Drew Adam.

50:01 Adam Corolla.

50:02 Caller Adam's masturbating.

50:04 Adam In the jacuzzi.

50:05 Drew In the jacuzzi. In the jacuzzi.

50:07 Adam Not just one. Let's try it one more time.

50:10 Caller Adam.

50:11 Adam Corolla.

50:12 Drew Adam's masturbating in the jacuzzi.

50:14 Adam All right. That's good.

50:15 Drew Yeah, that's good. Okay.

50:17 Adam You see, that could work. You have a pool, right, Drew?

50:22 Drew Yeah.

50:22 Adam You have kids, right?

50:24 Drew Yeah.

50:25 Adam They have friends?

50:26 Drew Yeah.

50:27 Adam Okay. That's the place to get it started.

50:30 Drew My guess.

50:30 Adam Okay. Okay.

50:32 Caller Yeah.

50:32 Drew I'll do it.

50:34 Caller All right.

50:34 Drew It's covered.

50:35 Adam And so Adam's masturbating in the jacuzzi is equivalent to fish out of water.

50:39 Drew Yeah.

50:40 Adam That's all. That's all I'm saying. Okay.

50:42 Drew Adam's grabbing his junk. How about that?

50:47 Adam I know it's bumpy, but I'm, you know, and maybe I just heard it first, but I've really grown attached to Adam's masturbating in the jacuzzi.

50:52 Drew In the jacuzzi. Yeah, you're right.

50:53 Adam Okay. Let's talk to Susan or Suzanne. Susan.

51:00 Caller Hi. Yeah.

51:02 Adam What's up?

51:03 Caller Well, first I wanted to tell you, they did a survey about parking spaces. And when someone's waiting for your space, the average time that the person takes to back up goes out, goes up.

51:14 Drew When you're waiting. Except with Adam and I, we kick it at a high gear.

51:19 Caller Right. You're the only ones that know. But most people, when they know someone's waiting, they take their time. Why?

51:26 Drew That is such a bizarre impulse.

51:28 Adam It's weird. Like, I couldn't think of a more uncomfortable position to be in. Right. Than have somebody waiting on me. It bothers me. If I go to the supermarket and I was going to pay with a check but somebody pulls in behind me, I'll just pay with cash.

51:46 Drew Me too.

51:46 Adam Right. Or if I have three items and, you know, this guy's got three items behind me, I got a cart full of crap, I'll always just let him go in front of me.

51:53 I think this is something different, though, guys.

51:55 Adam It is different?

51:56 Drew Why?

51:57 Adam It's not because we're nice either. It's just because I can't... I don't want the attention. I don't want someone staring at me waiting for me to do something.

52:03 But it's like the whole impulse of I have something you want and you can't have it just yet.

52:08 Adam Yeah. I will be profoundly disappointed in how evil humanity is, if that's true. Like, I always think of people as super out of it and sort of narcissistic, but out of it. I don't look at them as intentionally evil. I just look at them as out of it and stupid. They still need to be eliminated. Don't get me wrong. But I never look at it as volitional.

52:30 Caller I think it's the weaker Fs in society too. I see it happen all the time and I think it's because they're not in a position like that very often and they relish it.

52:36 Caller Exactly.

52:38 Drew That's still a bizarre impulse. Even so, it's hard to even understand it.

52:42 Caller All right.

52:43 Adam Well, anyway.

52:43 Caller Anyway.

52:45 Adam Go ahead, Susan.

52:46 Caller Okay. So you were talking to the girl earlier who she said she masturbated when she was young and she had this alcoholic family. But I seem to be attracted to those alcoholic guys all the time. But I had a total normal family life.

52:59 Drew Well, sometimes it's a little more subtle than you realize.

53:03 Caller I mean, my dad was kind of, he traveled a lot for his work. So, you know, I know Adam always talks about that, like, pay attention to your kids and all that.

53:12 Drew Were you a caretaker in your family? Were you like the oldest or something?

53:15 Caller No, I'm the youngest and all my other siblings are totally normal and two degrees and all that. And I seem to be the one that's just like chaos.

53:23 Drew Well, hang on now. Let's examine what you're doing here. Are you just, are you sort of in, how old are you?

53:29 Caller I'm 27.

53:30 Drew Are you sort of into the bad guys or are you specifically attracted to alcoholic addicts?

53:35 Caller It just always ends up that way.

53:37 Drew I know, but some, very often the bad guys, the sort of dangerous guys that you want to try to tame and all that stuff.

53:42 Caller Well, I mean, even when people fix me up with someone, they end up being alcoholics. It's the weirdest thing.

53:48 Adam Well, hold on. Let's see if this cut on. Adam, Susan.

53:51 Drew Corolla.

53:53 Adam Okay. All right.

53:54 Caller Keep going.

53:55 Adam Just want to see if I can be calling from Vegas.

53:57 Caller Yeah.

53:57 Adam Gets pretty hot there during the summertime.

54:00 Caller It just got hot today. Yeah.

54:01 Adam Yeah. You got a swimming pool?

54:04 Caller In the complex. Yeah.

54:05 Adam Oh, okay. Oh, good. Okay. There's what? There's many units in the complex?

54:09 Caller Yeah. And there's five pools.

54:11 Adam Oh, you got to go from pool to pool to pool, getting the Adam Corolla replaced with the Marco Polo.

54:16 Caller Right. That's why I left LA. You can't do that there.

54:19 Adam Smart. All right. So, Drew, what is it? What's going on?

54:23 Drew Well, I don't quite know. You know, there's sometimes you may have in your family someone who isn't alcoholic but doesn't manifest disease. And alcoholics are sort of a unique biological makeup. And as a result, you may just be feel very attached to people that have that kind of feeling about them. That's about the best way I can describe it. So, you're not attracted to the disease so much as the kind of person that is prone to developing the disease.

54:48 Caller I mean, my dad, we don't have the best relationship. It was always like, you got a B, what about that B? Instead of, great, you got all A's except for that B, you know what I mean?

54:59 Drew I gotta watch out here. So anyway. Be careful.

55:03 Caller It was always emphasizing the bad and not all the other good things, you know?

55:07 Drew And at least that's the way you experience it. Who knows how he experienced it. But I've just been defending the dads here for a second.

55:12 Caller Sure, why not?

55:14 Drew But were his parents alcoholics? One of his?

55:18 Caller I don't think so. I mean, his dad died before I was born heart disease, so.

55:23 Drew It may be something to look into because then maybe that would give a probability that that sort of genetic quality has been passed down into your dad even though the disease has not.

55:32 Adam She knows what she's doing, she can stop.

55:34 Drew Right, and that's the other thing. Just go ahead and kind of avoid that. If you find that very, very attractive, know that maybe that's not such a healthy thing and find guys that are sort of less powerfully attractive to you.

55:42 Adam Let me tell you what engineer Chris found on the internet about Marco Polo. And by the way, this is anything he ever needed to know about the Great Explorers, all contained in this sentence or this paragraph here. Marco Polo was a great explorer. He was very brave. Marco was not scared at all when they left to go on the trip. He was also very determined. When people would not believe his stories of his discoveries, he was determined to make them believe him, period. Marco Polo was very courageous, too. He wasn't scared of the people in the different countries he visited. Marco Polo was a very brave, determined, and courageous explorer.

56:25 Drew I think that's some of the fourth-grader put up on the web.

56:28 Adam I know. What is engineer Chris' batting average on pulling up this stuff that has... I actually know less about Marco Polo now. Do you understand that when engineer Chris pulls something on the internet and hands it to you, whether it's...

56:46 Drew It's 50-50. It's 50-50. We learned about crows and magpies from him.

56:50 Adam Not really. He told us crows and magpies were the same bird after he looked in the computer.

56:55 Drew But he actually printed some stuff for us that sorted that out. Half of it helped us out.

57:00 Adam I am saying...

57:00 Drew The rest of it became toilet paper.

57:02 Adam Whether it's an ex-president, a volcano in Fuji or Marco Polo... Fiji, sorry. I actually know less about the topic after I read the first page. I know less about Marco Polo right now. I've actually had Marco Polo information sponged from my brain.

57:21 Caller But I've read more stuff for you, though. All right.

57:23 Adam More. Now, if I read more about him, I'm just getting back to where I was before I read this first page. I'm actually absent Marco Polo information now. I'm in the hole. You understand?

57:35 Caller Right.

57:35 Adam Okay. Now I owe Marco Polo knowledge.

57:38 Caller Right. You're below zero.

57:39 Adam I'm below zero. I'm in negative Marco Polo line. I knew something about him before this page. Now I owe.

57:45 Caller All right.

57:45 Adam True.

57:45 Caller Not good.

57:46 Adam But anyway, evidently, he wasn't a chicken ass explorer like the ones you always hear about.

57:51 Caller He's very brave.

57:52 Caller Yeah.

57:52 Adam Most explorers, pussies.

57:53 Caller Chris, turn yourself off, please.

57:56 Caller No.

57:56 Adam Leave himself off.

57:57 Caller Okay.

57:58 Caller All right.

57:59 Adam Like Ponce de Leon, puss. Ponce is French for pussy. You didn't know that, did you?

58:06 Caller No.

58:07 Adam All right. Drew.

58:08 Drew Yeah.

58:09 Adam What's happening?

58:10 Drew I'm just waiting for you guys to finish.

58:12 Adam Okay.

58:12 Caller All right.

58:13 Adam Beating on Chris.

58:14 Caller Mary?

58:15 Caller Yeah.

58:16 Caller You're 20?

58:17 Caller Yeah, I'm 20.

58:18 Adam You have an odd fetish?

58:20 Caller I do. I have a very odd fetish. I came on by weight gain, but not like in real life. Does that makes any sense?

58:30 Drew Well, I think this, yeah, that's sort of like you like being filled up kind of thing, right?

58:35 Caller But I don't like myself gaining weight.

58:40 Drew No, I know. But you like the idea of things being filled up.

58:45 Adam Who do you like gaining weight? Your boyfriend?

58:47 Caller No. I'm not attracted to people who are heavy or anything. I like it. I kind of like pretend in my head I'll imagine somebody gaining weight and overeating and stuff. But it's all make believe. In real life, it doesn't turn me on.

59:03 Drew You know how we always talk about how things that are traumatizing become very attractive in adult life? You heard that on our show?

59:10 Caller Yeah.

59:10 Drew Well, one of the things that's rather unusual, but it can happen, and actually to some degree or another it happens to everybody, but to have it carry over into your sort of adult life is unusual, is there's trauma around the relationship with the breast, with breastfeeding and that sort of thing, or the bottle, if that was the bottle. And there's a lot of aggression and tear. When you, for instance, when you eat, when you eat food yourself, what is the most enjoyable part about it? Is the tearing and swallowing more enjoyable or the taste of it? What part of the eating process do you enjoy?

59:41 Caller The taste.

59:42 Drew The taste. So how about the texture?

59:45 Caller Yeah, texture. I like eating. I'm not, I'm definitely not a...

59:49 Drew Yeah, do you like biting and tearing at things too a little bit? Yeah. That sort of goes a little bit. And now that we're sort of...

59:56 Adam Well, who doesn't?

59:57 Drew Right. I know. You're right, Adam. But the point is, Corolla.

1:00:01 Caller Okay. Just checking.

1:00:03 Adam Just checking. Mary, you want to try? Let's try it real quick.

1:00:05 Caller Adam!

1:00:06 Drew No, no, no, no, no.

1:00:07 Adam I'll do it. I'll wait for you.

1:00:09 Drew I'll try it.

1:00:10 Caller Adam Corolla.

1:00:13 Adam Nice. Nice. I think this is happening. And it's marvellous.

1:00:16 Drew Just imagine that echoing off the tile, you know?

1:00:19 Adam Oh, imagine me just hot summer day. I'm walking down the street and I just hear it echoing from the neighborhood.

1:00:25 Caller Adam Corolla, masturbating in the jacuzzi. Adam's masturbating in the jacuzzi.

1:00:31 Adam Oh, awesome. Awesome. There's nothing better than the laughter of children. You know what I'm saying?

1:00:38 Drew But anyway, so this is sort of a remnant of your past. It's not a huge deal. It's something that may or may not sort of have other expressions in your relationships. It's something that you really were interested in. You can get involved. Do you have an anxiety disorder? Do you have a lot of anxiety or panic?

1:00:55 Caller A little bit.

1:00:57 Drew Yeah. So if you have a boy friend.

1:01:00 Caller No.

1:01:01 Adam No.

1:01:02 Drew Do you masturbate a lot? Are you sexually preoccupied?

1:01:05 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:01:07 Drew You like that color, that first color we had when I finally got on the air?

1:01:10 Caller No. No. Not that much.

1:01:13 Adam All right. So what should she do?

1:01:15 Drew I would nothing.

1:01:17 Adam Don't make a big deal out of it.

1:01:18 Drew It's not going to be a big deal. I think it will get integrated into other experiences and that. It's just an interesting observation and it doesn't necessarily have to mean anything gigantic or, you know, the psychoanalyst listening might go, oh my God, this is big pathology. But the reality is it's not always associated with those symptoms. People can have stable relationships and there you go.

1:01:34 Adam Drew, do you really think we have anyone with a degree listening to this show?

1:01:39 Drew I fantasize about that.

1:01:40 Adam Adam Corolla works every time. All right, so here's the thing. It seems like people can be broken off into two portions of society. One are the folks that question too many things, things that are healthy and normal, they think they're nuts. And then there's everyone else who is doing horrible things and thinks nothing of it.

1:02:02 Drew And they're like an animal, yeah.

1:02:04 Adam Right, so I don't know. The best is to be the third group, which is by far the minority, which is realize it and recognize it when you're actually up to something that's destructive to you or somebody else, and give yourselves a break when you're just having sort of a normal fantasy.

1:02:22 Drew Don't paint yourself with a crazy brush. Or not even normal fantasy so much as the human brain, the part of our emotional systems is filled with very bizarre fantasies. We have a weird fantasy life before we have language. And there can be remnants of that. And we have this giant structure that sits on top of that, a cognitive system that we constantly override that fantasy system with, and so we make sense of it. So there you go.

1:02:48 Adam We had a whole group of people that won some sort of competition that they're now sorry they entered who are here tonight watching them. And one of them actually fell off the chair during that long-winded discussion.

1:02:59 Drew What are you talking about?

1:03:00 Caller What is this?

1:03:01 Caller I don't know.

1:03:02 Adam We got kids here, Drew.

1:03:04 Drew Oh, and I'm not there.

1:03:04 Adam They won some sort of breast cancer competition.

1:03:07 Drew Oh, cool.

1:03:08 Adam And they're here tonight to watch a show. Although so far it just means shorts and flip-flops make a retarded masturbation jokes.

1:03:16 Drew Well.

1:03:17 Adam Must be horribly disappointing for them.

1:03:19 Drew Yeah. And that's different why?

1:03:22 Adam Because normally they'd get to see you, too.

1:03:25 Drew I see. OK. OK.

1:03:26 Adam Now they're just there wishing they never showed up. Well, what are you going to do? Let's talk to Ali, who's 16. Ali.

1:03:35 Caller Hi.

1:03:36 Caller Yeah.

1:03:37 Caller OK. So last night I had sex and everything was fine. And then when he pulled out and we were done and he was about to get his clothes on, I felt something and I didn't know what it was. And the condom slipped off of him and like the tip of it stayed inside me, inside me.

1:03:58 Drew Oh, is this upsetting her? She had gulps during the middle of that story.

1:04:02 Caller I've gotten gulps before.

1:04:04 Adam Well, you do it when you're nervous.

1:04:05 Drew And I liked the way she said it, and it slipped inside me.

1:04:09 Adam And so the end stayed.

1:04:11 Right, right.

1:04:12 Drew That's actually better, that's actually much better than it having slipped off during sort of penetration and the whole thing stayed inside.

1:04:19 Right, right.

1:04:20 Drew Then it would spill its contents inside you.

1:04:23 Caller Right, that's what I'm thinking. And, but I'm just kind of paranoid about the fact that what if anything.

1:04:30 Drew All right, here's the deal. Here's the deal. Right. There's two lessons to be learned here. One is gentlemen, when you have a condom on and you're pulling out, you are supposed to grab it around the base because it could slip out very easily. A. B morning after pill, any question at all, take it now, 85, 90% probability of decreasing the risk of pregnancy. It works by what? Only?

1:04:52 Caller My only problem is because today, like the clinic's closed, tomorrow I have no way to get it before the clinic closes.

1:05:01 Drew Wait, in college or something?

1:05:03 Caller So, huh?

1:05:04 Adam No, she's 16.

1:05:07 Drew What clinic are you talking about?

1:05:08 Caller I, like, I don't know, I think I called Planned Parenthood in their hours or like.

1:05:13 Drew No, listen, why don't you call, just call this number, 1-888-NOT-TOO-LATE, and they will send you to a pharmacy locally where you can get that without a prescription.

1:05:23 Caller Okay.

1:05:25 Drew 1-888-NOT-NUMBER-2-LATE, 1-888-NOT-TOO-LATE, okay?

1:05:28 Caller Okay, thank you so much.

1:05:30 Adam All right, good times.

1:05:31 Drew Good times.

1:05:33 Adam Yeah, you gotta hang on to that condom base. I'll actually use two hands and a heel. I'll actually bring my foot up.

1:05:40 Drew That's good. Well, you know, you have to start holding during the...

1:05:44 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:05:44 Drew Why do I get into it? Adam.

1:05:47 Adam Corolla.

1:05:49 Caller Yeah.

1:05:51 Adam Yeah. All right, where are we going here, Drew? Let's see. We talked to... Well, let's talk to Jet, who's been on hold for a million years. But Jet... Somebody named Jet called a couple last week, right?

1:06:06 Drew Right.

1:06:06 Adam Is this the same Jet who called in last week?

1:06:09 Caller This is.

1:06:11 Adam Yeah. Dig that name, Jet.

1:06:14 Drew Meow?

1:06:15 Adam Meow.

1:06:18 Caller What?

1:06:19 Drew What?

1:06:20 Adam Jet, are you meowing or is that from last week?

1:06:22 Caller This is.

1:06:23 Caller I am meowing, yes.

1:06:25 Adam Oh, okay.

1:06:28 Caller Yeah.

1:06:29 Caller So, yes, you have the same Jet. Right. Right.

1:06:32 Adam I remember we played the song last time and I was thinking of Paul McCartney's Jet, which made me seem very old.

1:06:38 Very old.

1:06:43 Adam All right. So why are you meowing?

1:06:46 Caller Well, I'm just kind of, you know, wanting a little feedback on the whole oral section.

1:06:52 Drew Don't be such a pussy.

1:06:53 Adam Drew, please. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But what was the meow part? What am I missing on the meow part?

1:07:00 Caller On part V-line.

1:07:02 Drew Whatever. So what is the...

1:07:05 Adam I'm sorry. I was confused for a second. I thought you're full human. I didn't know you were actually.

1:07:09 Drew Yeah.

1:07:10 Caller I bet she loves Disney films. She's that type of chick.

1:07:13 Adam Part...

1:07:13 Caller No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to confuse you. I thought you had the perception that all women had multiple personalities and you were just...

1:07:20 Drew Let's stay focused. Stay focused. Focus, focus, focus. Focus, focus.

1:07:25 Adam How much you weigh now, Jed? Because that part feline thing just packed 30 pounds.

1:07:29 Drew You're fat.

1:07:30 Caller I weigh 140.

1:07:33 Caller How tall are you?

1:07:35 Caller I'm five foot nine.

1:07:36 Caller Okay.

1:07:38 Drew I think we went through this last time she called.

1:07:40 Caller Yeah.

1:07:41 Adam Feline. All right. So keep going.

1:07:44 Drew What did you call about?

1:07:46 Caller I called about the whole oral sex thing.

1:07:49 Drew What does that mean?

1:07:50 Caller Well, I'm a little curious about why some... I know it's okay for a guy to go down on a girl, but when a girl swallows, he doesn't want to kiss her or vice versa. What's the whole attraction to, say, your own bodily fluids as opposed to somebody else's, as opposed to...

1:08:15 Drew Put Jetta on hold for a second.

1:08:17 Adam Jetta's angry.

1:08:18 Drew Oh, man.

1:08:18 Adam What the hell happened to her?

1:08:20 Drew All right. Here's the deal. Nobody likes any fluids in the mouth of any cup buddies.

1:08:25 Adam I don't even like my own spit. I try to get my own spit out of me all the time.

1:08:27 Drew So I don't know what she's talking about. I don't know what she's talking about. Some people will just sort of make an extra effort. What is that?

1:08:35 Adam I'm trying to drain my own spit. I don't even like my own spit. Do you realize what kind of torture this life is for me, Drew?

1:08:45 Drew Well, you don't like your spit. You can't sleep. You can't breathe through your nose. Adam Corolla.

1:08:50 Adam That's the only thing that saves me is hearing those kids shout my name in the swimming pool.

1:08:57 Drew Look, I don't know what she's talking about. I think some people will make the effort and sort of try to ignore these things the way of sort of to be in the moment with their partner.

1:09:08 Adam All I heard was angry, angry, angry.

1:09:10 Drew I didn't hear a question.

1:09:11 Adam Jet, what's up? Where's your dad? What's going on?

1:09:14 Caller What do you mean? Where's my dad?

1:09:16 Adam Where is he? Why are you angry at men?

1:09:18 Caller I'm not angry at men. All I said is I love to swallow.

1:09:23 Adam Where's your boyfriend? You have a boyfriend?

1:09:25 Caller I don't have a boyfriend. I'm divorced.

1:09:28 Adam What happened?

1:09:29 Drew How old are you?

1:09:32 Adam Shocking. Thank you. Why are you divorced?

1:09:35 Caller I know this is where you get to evaluate me, huh? I came from the...

1:09:39 Adam Hold on, that happened a long time ago with me and you. This is where the listeners get to evaluate you. I already made my decision five minutes ago.

1:09:50 Drew What?

1:09:51 Caller We're not going to come over.

1:09:54 Adam What the hell was that?

1:09:57 Drew I think we're getting somebody else's phone call bleeding in there.

1:10:00 Adam Yeah. Weird. Hey, let me ask you guys something.

1:10:05 Drew You guys?

1:10:05 Adam I'm the only guy this happens to, Drew. Let me ask you this.

1:10:08 Drew What?

1:10:08 Adam Your cordless phone, not cell phone, but cordless phone at home.

1:10:12 Drew At home, yeah.

1:10:13 Adam Not the range that the ones 10 years ago had? What? The new ones don't have the range that the old ones had.

1:10:22 Drew I wish I could agree with you on that. Because we bought a bunch of new... You can expand the bases, you know.

1:10:28 Adam I got that one. I can't make it to the crapper with the goddamn phone.

1:10:32 Drew It's got to be something to do with your house, those big thick walls or something. Really? Yeah. Because I think you would get that new house, that new mansion you live in. By the way, I went up there to see the garage and you weren't home. When? Hell. Like Friday, Friday afternoon or something. I came by.

1:10:46 Adam I was working.

1:10:47 Drew Well, at least when that could be there. Well, ring the thing. I did. I rang it like 12 times.

1:10:53 Caller Yeah.

1:10:53 Adam What time?

1:10:54 Drew Middle of the day? 12.30 is my thing.

1:10:57 Caller Yeah.

1:10:57 Adam Everyone's getting lunch. Jet?

1:11:00 Caller Yeah.

1:11:00 Adam Does your phone work better? All right. Your dad, what did he do to you?

1:11:04 Caller My dad? My dad did nothing to me. I had a wonderful father.

1:11:09 Adam What about mom?

1:11:10 Drew Till he left.

1:11:12 Caller I had a wonderful mother. I mean, both my parents were out of the home growing up.

1:11:18 Drew Hippies. Hippies.

1:11:19 Adam They're out of the home?

1:11:21 Caller Yeah. But they set a wonderful example for me to follow.

1:11:25 Adam Well, why didn't your marriage work?

1:11:29 Caller Because I think I did it backwards. I think I intended to kiss the toad and he turned into Prince Charming. And unfortunately, when we kissed, he turned into a toad instead of Prince Charming.

1:11:44 Adam Oh, so this is a scientific basis for this divorce. I see. He actually turned into a frog. All right. Well, that's fine. I didn't know he had transformed into a frog.

1:11:53 Drew I need to know more about what you mean. Your parents were out of the home. What were they doing?

1:11:57 Adam What does that mean?

1:12:00 Caller I don't know. I was the youngest of four children. I guess I was kind of sheltered from reality and the truth of everything between mom, dad, brothers and sisters.

1:12:10 Drew Here's the deal. Stop speaking in riddles. Just tell us exactly what you mean. Why were the parents out of the home? What were they doing?

1:12:18 Caller Oh, they just worked. Both my parents worked two and three jobs.

1:12:25 Drew So they were never home. How did you take care of yourself during the day as a child?

1:12:30 Caller My brothers and sisters and I took care of each other.

1:12:32 Drew How old was the oldest child, say, when you were four years old? Who was the oldest child doing the caretaking?

1:12:39 Caller Four-twelve.

1:12:40 Drew So the twelve-year-old was taking care of you when you were four? That's child abuse, basically. You can't do that.

1:12:52 Adam Here's the thing. We both smelled a nutty fart coming out of the jet, right?

1:12:59 Drew Yeah. But again, she's so full of BS. I know they said a wonderful example, but it's okay, you guys, to have ambivalent feelings about everything. I remember sometimes I give these presentations at colleges in the first ten minutes. They want to tell me how things should be and how men aren't how women are. No, guys, just talk about how you feel. Yeah. Just tell how you're feeling. How do you feel about those things? How does it make you in the present? Don't tell a fairy tale. Don't talk in riddles and hyperbole. Just how do you feel about what happened? It's all fine. Look at it realistically, honestly.

1:13:31 Adam Well, the society's just eroded into one big, long BS yarn where everyone says things like, everything happens for a reason. And no one across from them says, shut the F up. You retard. What the hell do you mean by that?

1:13:44 Drew Right.

1:13:45 Adam I can't stand this. You know, you're supposed to kiss a toad and marry a prince. I kissed a prince and got the toad. Oh, fantastic. I know, I know all the dynamics of your relationship. And you know what the problem is, is the person sits across from them and nods their head. Oh, I see you ended up with a toad.

1:14:01 Drew Oh, thanks for being so honest. It's very courageous of you to be honest about it.

1:14:04 Adam Wow, just snapped into focus.

1:14:06 Drew Please, please.

1:14:06 Adam Everyone with your BS, please drop it. Or use it, but don't bring it here because it infuriates us.

1:14:13 Drew Adam Corolla, Adam Asprey, The Jujicuzzi.

1:14:18 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:14:22 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:14:24 Drew Loveline.

1:14:25 Loveline, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:14:28 Caller We'll be right back.

1:14:41 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew in New York City.

1:14:48 Drew And I'm staying at that Rega Royal. I think that's where you were staying last week, right? Two weeks ago. Because I've forgotten how nice those rooms are, and I visited the ass-squirting toilet seat.

1:14:57 Adam You got the ass-squirting toilet seat?

1:14:58 Drew Yeah, very nice. Has a pulsating setting on it, too.

1:15:01 Adam Yeah, I was there like a week ago enjoying the ass-squirting I got, but it was offset by the monster-size hash mark on the white towel. I mean, there was a white towel that had a hash mark on it the size of a human liver.

1:15:18 Drew Oh, that's nice. That's very nice.

1:15:20 Adam And I mean, it was so blatant. Let's just put it this way. If I'd taken the thing down to the front desk and said, yeah, this was very visible in my bedroom, and when I came into my room, I would have gotten a week for free. And it was that bad. As it is, I just stared at the hash mark for three days and went about my business. I'm the best guy to have a check in your hotel or park in the space that you want or any of these things. I'm perfect for all these. I don't say anything. I get the F out of there as fast as I can. That's how I work. Yeah. All right. Where are we, Drew? Husband wants her to stick her finger in the ass.

1:16:06 Drew Yeah. Imagine that.

1:16:07 Adam Lori.

1:16:08 Caller Hello. Yes.

1:16:11 Adam What can we do you for?

1:16:13 Caller Well, me and my husband have been together for like five years and I'm just wondering, is it normal for him for the past, I guess, maybe two months, he's been wanting me to stick my finger up his butt. Also, I have a G-spot vibrator. What's going on? He wants me to put that up his butt too.

1:16:38 Drew He wants to put that up your butt?

1:16:40 Caller No, up his butt.

1:16:41 Adam His butt.

1:16:42 Drew First of all, it sounds like, what was that last caller's name?

1:16:45 Adam Jet.

1:16:46 Drew Jet, like jets visiting their house.

1:16:48 Adam Laura, I hear a lot of cats in the background. Or is that a kid?

1:16:52 Caller It's one cat.

1:16:54 Adam One cat?

1:16:55 Caller One cat and a dog.

1:16:57 Adam Wow. All right, and do you guys have any kids?

1:17:00 Caller Yes, we do.

1:17:01 Adam Calling from Bakersfield, that's trouble. What went wrong? Something had to go wrong if you're in Bakersfield. What went wrong? Well, and that would be, and by the way, if I was the mayor of Bakersfield, I would put that on the sign.

1:17:16 Drew What went wrong? What are you doing here?

1:17:18 Adam Bakersfield, what went wrong?

1:17:22 Caller That's what I'm wondering.

1:17:23 Adam Yeah, I mean, something obviously has gone wrong. And I would actually have that in the front of every junior college, Joe. It would say, Pierce Junior College, what went wrong? That would be right on the sign, right? Because I would shame people into moving on or graduating.

1:17:39 Drew Nice.

1:17:40 Adam All right. Yeah, Bakersfield. What went wrong? Yeah, and then if I had a Riverside one, it'd say Riverside. At least we're not Bakersfield. That would be the one under. All right, but here's the deal. There's a lot of crappy places to live around this area, and I don't know why people number one. All right. And I don't know why you people live there, though. That's my question. Just because that there you go. That's the number one.

1:18:08 Drew I love that reason.

1:18:09 Adam That's the number one answer. It's also the number one answer a dog gives when you ask him why he's lying out in the dirt.

1:18:14 Caller Corolla.

1:18:16 Drew Yeah, there you go.

1:18:17 Adam All right. What does your husband do over there in Bakersfield?

1:18:21 Caller He installs shower doors and closures and mirrors.

1:18:26 Adam I'll tell you that.

1:18:26 Drew I need some help with that guy.

1:18:28 Adam He's a regular James Bond.

1:18:29 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:18:30 Adam Talk about life in the fast lane.

1:18:32 Caller I'm 007.

1:18:34 Adam Yeah. All right.

1:18:36 Drew Here's the deal. First of all, I get the real sense your husband put you up to this call.

1:18:39 Caller No, he's not even here.

1:18:41 Drew All right. Secondly, there are guys that like that sort of internal stimulation. They are rare, but if he's that guy, he's that guy. Some guys like that. Most guys.

1:18:53 Caller I mean, what I'm thinking is, is he gay or what?

1:18:56 Drew No, it really doesn't have anything to do with sexual orientation. Has he ever had any gay feelings?

1:19:01 Caller I have no idea.

1:19:02 Drew No, it's not that.

1:19:04 Caller He wouldn't tell me if he did, I don't think.

1:19:06 Drew Oh, fine. Whatever. He likes that stimulated. Some guys like the outside stimulated. I actually did a little piece on this for Discovery Health Channel.

1:19:14 Caller Something you want to tell us?

1:19:15 Drew No, I didn't actually try it, but it makes sense to me that like, okay, that makes sense. But the inside, 95% of guys, no way. But there's a few percent that do like it, and he's one of those guys. So what are you going to do?

1:19:27 Caller Well, what bothers me is that he'll want it while we're doing it, and then afterwards he says, don't do that anymore. And then while I'm in sex, he'll do it again. I mean, he'll want it again.

1:19:39 Drew That's a little more disturbing.

1:19:41 Adam You got kids now. You got to stop doing that. It's got to be, I don't know. That's the only answer I have. It's got to be great for Lord to have this guy come home every day.

1:19:53 Caller Oh man.

1:19:54 Adam Oh, work. Boy, let me tell you. I went and did this job. Guy went and used, well, first off, he put the old door in with screw shields instead of expansion anchors.

1:20:09 Caller Next thing you know, the guy's going to be using Tapcons.

1:20:11 Adam And anyway, he didn't go with the Bondurize cook. He went with the latex based stuff.

1:20:16 Caller Oh my God.

1:20:18 Adam She's just going to sit there like, oh my Christ. I mean, your husband installing shower doors and shower curtains just sounds like a novelty boring job. It's the punch line. It's the guy.

1:20:32 Drew Maybe he does high end shower doors.

1:20:34 Adam It's the guy I sit next to on the airplane. What line you in? Just shower doors, shower curtains.

1:20:41 Drew By the way, I had like a sort of supermodel type person sit down next to me on an airplane today.

1:20:46 Caller Oh my God.

1:20:47 Drew Never had that happen before and didn't utter a word. This person would not speak.

1:20:52 Adam I'm so angry at you, Drew.

1:20:53 Drew I know, but it's worse. It's worse. We'll not have a conversation. We'll not like, you know, you're on a plane. You just want to, you know, sleep or whatever. So I'd urge you to not wish for that.

1:21:04 Adam I'm angry because I've flown to New York and back 150 times. I thought it never sat next to a model.

1:21:15 Drew No, I know.

1:21:15 Adam First class. And I always thought, I grew up thinking if you fly to New York, if you're flying to Manhattan and you're flying first class on airplane, there's going to be some kind of famous rock star or model or beautiful something never, I don't even get chicks.

1:21:32 Drew I think they all fly on private stuff now.

1:21:34 Adam Is that what it is?

1:21:35 Drew Yeah.

1:21:37 Adam How about, I don't know, you know, what is some B or C Lister, still kind of cute?

1:21:44 Drew Well that was David Angre. I did that.

1:21:48 Adam So was this chick was clearly a model?

1:21:50 Drew No, no, but I know, but it was somebody clearly, you know, very, very attractive and actually sort of more our age, not, not like somebody in there.

1:21:59 Adam Not a spring chicken.

1:22:00 Drew Right. But still, I thought of you immediately. I thought that, oh, I'm finally getting what Adam always wished for and not, not one word.

1:22:09 Adam Did you, did you try to strike something up?

1:22:11 Drew Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

1:22:13 Adam I want to say weird. I would probably be less apt to talk to the attractive woman than I would to the schlubby guy.

1:22:21 Drew Well you kind of feel like, I feel sorry for him. You know, people are always trying to talk to him. Yeah. It's going to be rough and you're beautiful. But listen, what do you want to do when you come on that plane? It's just you want to put the noise-canceling phones on and just zone out.

1:22:32 Adam Yeah, I know. But a little howdy-do to your neighbor is always a good idea. Plus, I'll oftentimes eat their warm nuts. Yeah.

1:22:43 Drew All right.

1:22:43 Adam Should we keep rocking here, Drew?

1:22:45 Drew Yes. Let's take some calls.

1:22:47 Adam Boyfriend finger, sir.

1:22:48 Drew What do we have come up this week, by the way, guest-wise?

1:22:51 Adam Oh, man. We got Marco Polo coming in here.

1:22:54 Drew Oh, fantastic. He was a very courageous man.

1:22:56 Adam Yeah. He was a brave man who was not scared and oftentimes brave because he wasn't scared. What website do you have? One for like retarded fourth graders? I just Googled it and that's it. I don't want stuff that got translated from crayon.

1:23:11 Caller I Googled it and that's what came up.

1:23:12 Adam All right. Well, stop Googling around. Anne says that Motley Crue may come in here toward the end of the week, but we'll see. I don't have the list. I don't have the list of guests up here just yet. Christine. Yeah. You're 26. Yes. It tickles when your boyfriend drops a finger on you. Yeah.

1:23:39 Drew Sorry.

1:23:39 Adam Hold on a second.

1:23:40 Drew The hell does that mean?

1:23:41 Adam I don't know. At 26, though, you've got to get past that, right?

1:23:46 Drew I don't know. You're still doing that at 26. Adam Corolla.

1:23:50 Adam Adam Corolla.

1:23:53 Drew Adam's masturbating the jacuzzi.

1:23:59 Adam It never gets old. It does not ever get old.

1:24:04 Drew It's like farting for you.

1:24:05 Adam It's funny every time. All right. We'll take a break. We'll get back with Christine who laughs every time she is on the business end of a finger blasting.

1:24:16 Drew Oh, boy.

1:24:16 Adam And Dr. Drew over there in New York City tonight. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody.

1:24:37 Drew Hey, Adam, I believe that whole diatribe about the online gambling just went out on the air.

1:24:42 Adam Oh, really?

1:24:43 Drew We were hearing it over here, over the commercials.

1:24:45 Adam Hmm.

1:24:46 Drew It's good times.

1:24:47 Adam Well, evidently Anderson says no.

1:24:49 Drew Oh, okay.

1:24:52 Adam Do a little commercial. And you'd be shocked to find out it was extra wordy. And the writing was second only to the guy who wrote the Marco Polo. All right. I can hear myself in my head echoing 10 seconds later. So Anderson, please help me.

1:25:11 Drew I'm good at this end.

1:25:12 Adam I'm going to take my headphones off for a second, Drew. Otherwise, I'm going to have an epileptic seizure. Wait a minute.

1:25:17 Drew That's fine.

1:25:19 Adam All right. You ready, Rock?

1:25:21 Drew Let's go. Take some pulse.

1:25:22 Adam Finger blasting. Yeah, that's where we are. Christine?

1:25:26 Caller Yeah.

1:25:27 Adam All right. So you're tickled, but not tickled pink. Although, in a way you are. When your boyfriend drops a finger on you.

1:25:36 Caller Yeah.

1:25:38 Adam Well, maybe he should stop.

1:25:42 Drew How old are you?

1:25:43 Caller 26.

1:25:45 Drew Like I said earlier, are you guys having sex?

1:25:48 Caller Yeah.

1:25:51 Drew That whole procedure sort of gets left behind usually when people become sexually active.

1:25:56 Caller Well, it's like when he goes down on me, it feels okay, but nothing's really orgasmic. And so we're kind of trying everything.

1:26:07 Drew And so you don't orgasm by any means. Do you masturbate?

1:26:15 Caller Rarely.

1:26:16 Drew Have you been able to masturbate to orgasm?

1:26:19 Caller No. Well, it'll feel really good. And then it gets ticklish.

1:26:23 Drew Yeah. This is a job for the tub, I think.

1:26:27 Caller Hmm.

1:26:28 Adam How about how about using the water in the tub and do a little masturbating?

1:26:34 Drew The spigot, the bath spigot, that what pours out of the spigot. It's kind of position yourself there. That's the producer and patented technique.

1:26:43 Caller Yeah.

1:26:43 Adam It's been so long.

1:26:44 Caller Is she around?

1:26:46 Adam She drowned earlier today. I'm not gonna say anything.

1:26:50 Drew She electrocuted.

1:26:52 Adam Yeah. I told her, do not operate the toaster that close to the tub. But her thing is, is I'm gonna have a bagel. I don't care if it kills me. It's a Sunday.

1:27:04 Drew Certainly I'm not getting out front of this spigot.

1:27:06 Adam Well, it's funny because she said her last thought was Calgon take her away. But it turned out to be a creeper that actually took her away.

1:27:14 Drew Adam Corolla.

1:27:17 Adam You can play Marco Polo in the bathtub too. You can masturbate and play play Adam Corolla in the bathtub. All right. So no orgasm through intercourse. No orgasm through oral sex.

1:27:32 Drew You're getting a little bit old for this to still be a problem.

1:27:35 Adam How about a vibrator?

1:27:36 Drew You should have figured this out by now. You should you should be kind of on this.

1:27:40 Caller That's that's why I called in because like vibrator same thing. It feels really good to the point where I think I'm going to climax and then it's just ticklish.

1:27:48 Drew Are you on any medication?

1:27:50 Caller Just birth control.

1:27:52 Adam Yeah.

1:27:52 Drew Which one?

1:27:53 Adam Anything weird in the past we need to know about?

1:27:56 Caller No, no. I mean I was I guess a little sheltered.

1:28:01 Drew Which birth control pill you want?

1:28:03 Caller A less, a least one.

1:28:04 Drew Yeah, that's pretty low dose estrogen. It's some women that's kind of inhibitory. So you might talk to your doctor about that.

1:28:11 Adam The other thing too is I'm going to go with she was sheltered growing up she said. So there's probably some issues. She's up in her head a little bit. Some women are sort of sensitive and they just, they just, I say stick with a guy, work on it and don't go in with an agenda.

1:28:30 Drew Yes.

1:28:31 Adam Because that ain't going to work for you.

1:28:33 Drew It's weird, don't get so focused on the orgasms, what I am saying.

1:28:37 Adam Right. All right. Let's talk to John who's 23.

1:28:41 Caller John?

1:28:42 Caller Hello?

1:28:43 Adam Hello?

1:28:44 Caller Hi.

1:28:45 Adam Hi.

1:28:46 Caller How are you?

1:28:47 Adam I'm well.

1:28:49 Caller That's good.

1:28:50 Adam Go ahead with your question, John.

1:28:53 Caller Well, my question kind of is, well, I work at an adult novelty store in the mall.

1:28:59 Drew In the mall?

1:29:01 Adam In the mall. In the mall.

1:29:03 Caller In our local mall of our town, right?

1:29:06 Adam They hold on a second. They have adult novelty stores? I mean, these are like...

1:29:11 Caller We sell adult novelty items.

1:29:14 Adam Whoopie cushions? These are the jock full of nuts and the penis you wind up that hops around?

1:29:20 Caller Kind of. Kind of like that, yeah.

1:29:22 Adam But you don't sell... You don't sell strap-ons.

1:29:24 Caller Yeah. We don't sell... What was that?

1:29:27 Adam Anal beads or strap-ons?

1:29:29 Caller No, not that serious. Our most serious item is actually the one I have the question about.

1:29:33 Drew All right, go ahead.

1:29:34 Caller Okay, well, basically, I'm the assistant manager of this place. The other day, I walked into the restroom of my manager using one of our items. It's... I don't know if you've watched Sex in the City or anything, but it's called the iVibE Rabbit.

1:29:53 Caller All right.

1:29:54 Adam By the way, this is bogus because it's a zero question.

1:29:58 Drew Yeah.

1:29:58 Adam What do you want to know, John?

1:30:00 Caller Okay. Well, I lost it on our boss using this. I need to know why, I need to know how I confront her or who I confront about this.

1:30:09 Adam You have to confront her. It's imperative that you confront her.

1:30:15 Drew Especially since you've already been face eyeball to eyeball with her being ashamed and embarrassed that you walked in.

1:30:20 Caller Well, I'm kind of embarrassed about it, but...

1:30:23 Adam Did she see you?

1:30:25 Caller She saw me, yeah. She saw me.

1:30:28 Adam All right.

1:30:28 Caller So what do you want to do?

1:30:29 Drew What do you want to do? What do you mean confront?

1:30:31 Adam Yeah, that's why it's a bogus call. It's a non-question.

1:30:34 Caller This is kind of against our procedure of sorts.

1:30:37 Caller I want to know who do I confront about this. Oh, please.

1:30:39 Adam Oh, shut up.

1:30:41 Caller Shut up?

1:30:41 Adam You have a bogus question, you retard. Of course, you idiot.

1:30:46 Drew Ridiculous.

1:30:47 Adam And listen, here's the thing, everybody. You have no question. That's the first tip off that it's a bogus question.

1:30:55 Caller No, no, I have a question. Who do I confront about this?

1:30:58 Drew No, that's not a question. That is not a question.

1:31:00 Adam All right, I'm going to tell you, you have to go to the corporate office in Battle Creek, Michigan.

1:31:05 Drew Yeah, and tell the corporate office that you walked in on somebody in the bathroom who was in a private moment wiping themselves in a way that disturbed you. Come on, what are you talking about? It wasn't wiping. That's the point.

1:31:18 Adam Where were they?

1:31:20 Caller Where were they? They were on the toilet.

1:31:22 Adam All right.

1:31:23 Caller They were using one of our items. It was taken right out of the package that I saw.

1:31:28 Adam It was taken out of the package? Where was it going? In the discount bin?

1:31:32 Caller It was going into the happy no no place.

1:31:34 Drew No, he means afterwards.

1:31:37 Adam By the way, I know the vagina as the discount bin. That's a euphemism for moving the vagina.

1:31:44 Caller I'll remember that one.

1:31:45 Drew Come on, let's go.

1:31:45 Adam John, please be more creative next time you come up the bogus call. Please, everybody. Like I said, we know it's bogus.

1:31:57 Drew I'm insulted by these calls.

1:31:59 Adam Twenty-three-year-old guys who work at novelty sex shops want to confront somebody.

1:32:04 Drew Because they walked in on them in the bathroom.

1:32:08 Adam You got to do better than that. It's weak. That's all I'm saying. Don't bring that weak crap around here. Brandy?

1:32:13 Drew It's insulting.

1:32:14 Adam Thank you.

1:32:16 Caller Yeah.

1:32:17 Adam And by the way, he had that idiot cadence that always drives me nuts, too. That's what women hate, man. You're upset over your husband's premature ejaculation.

1:32:27 Caller Yeah.

1:32:28 Drew Ooh, there's a medicine. Less than one minute.

1:32:31 Adam Yeah? Go ahead.

1:32:31 Drew There's a medicine coming out for this probably within about six or eight months that's going to be pretty effective. It's basically a medicine like Prozac or Zoloft. You know how that tends to delay orgasm and decrease sex drive, but it's ultra short acting. So it's out of your system in like, you know, 10 to an hour or something like that. So it can delay orgasm for a while. And I think that's going to be a very effective treatment.

1:32:55 Adam Okay. Here's the thing, Brandy, don't be angry at him. He can't help himself. I'm sure he would do something about it if he could. And if it's under a minute, that ain't a concentration thing. That's just a physiological thing. And you should look into this new medicine.

1:33:10 Drew Or he can try to masturbate several times, sort of clear the pipes out, but then, you know, then he won't orgasm with you, and then you'll be upset about that.

1:33:17 Adam All right, let's take a little break. Brandy, by the way, way up there in my white trash naming sequence.

1:33:24 Drew Adam Corolla!

1:33:27 Adam Back after this. Yeah, all right then. I think there's a little too much show, Drew.

1:34:04 Drew I think so.

1:34:04 Adam I feel like we might come short tomorrow night.

1:34:07 Drew We've invented a new game, too. It's wonderful.

1:34:09 Caller Adam.

1:34:10 Drew Corolla. And I will be thinking of you when I use that special seat, the bathroom seat.

1:34:14 Caller Thank you.

1:34:15 Adam Yes, please. Clean, clean with joy. We'll take ourselves a little extendo break, and until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:34:26 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:34:30 Adam The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station.

1:34:38 Caller The producer for Loveline is Aningold.

1:34:40 Adam Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, May 15, 2005