Episode 1000704230226

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:01 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover This is Loveline. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew is a board-certified physician and addiction medicine specialist.

1:31 Drew Oh, buddy. I don't know how to tell you how different tonight's been for me. Because usually Adam comes in here. Chris, back me up on this. Adam usually comes in here, it's like, Oswaldo, you start screaming at the carpet, or screaming at his wall, or screaming at everybody. Tonight, there was something different. He was like, had his hand over his eyes, had his long pauses where he wasn't talking. I thought, what? I got up to see what the matter was. I go, oh my God.

1:53 Adam Broken.

1:54 Drew And a female voice off in the distance.

1:56 Adam Yeah.

1:57 Drew A faint hint of a whip.

1:59 Adam No, that was my realtor. I was on the phone with him.

2:04 Drew Did I not give you that? It was one of the choices. You pansy.

2:06 Adam Yeah.

2:07 Drew It was one of the choices.

2:08 Adam Well, I'm trying to rent my house out.

2:10 Drew Yeah.

2:11 Adam It's just everything's something.

2:13 Drew So it was about a house.

2:15 Adam Yeah, about a house.

2:15 Drew I know. It's about the house, about the realtor wanting money for doing nothing. But everyone wants to you. Your dad's selling the house to you.

2:22 Adam Everyone wants something. What a day. I had an eclectic day. I saw Drew this morning over at the Beverly Wilshire, the Beverly Regent Hotel was called the Beverly Wilshire when I used to clean the carpets over there.

2:35 Drew That's so funny.

2:36 Adam I made my triumphant return to the Grand Trenon ballroom where I used to clean the carpets, like MacArthur returning to the Philippines to take the stage there and stare at the carpet I once cleaned with...

2:49 Drew I was probably going to urinate on it or something. I'm really surprised to take a big dump on it or something.

2:54 Adam I should have. I yelled at the carpet to kiss my ass. I used to, when I used to clean carpets when I was 18 or 19, that was one of our accounts. And that place, it's like a giant ballroom. We took a giant ballroom, and by the way, they've modified it a little bit. They put a stage up, they put some stuff, they did some stage.

3:12 Drew The stage wasn't there. Oh no, that stage was just there for the...

3:14 Adam Yeah, yeah, it was a wide... When you remove all the stage and rigging and chairs and everything, it just looks like a football field worth of carpet for you Orlando and Everlast to clean with a seven inch wand. It's awesome. But anyway, it was nice to see Drew, well not really, I walked right past him.

3:37 Drew Yeah, you said three words to me.

3:39 Adam All right. But there was Drew. And then I went to do the Bernie Mac show.

3:44 Drew Yeah.

3:44 Adam Where, and that was nice.

3:46 Drew I bet that's fine.

3:47 Adam Well, you know, it's kind of cool because I realized what ruins sitcoms is the audience. Because you have to go out there, hit your mark, deliver your stuff sort of out to the audience and you can't vary or deviate from the script.

4:01 Drew This doesn't have that, right?

4:02 Adam No, this is shot without an audience. So what you get to do is you get to sit there and have fun with it and riff and trite a few different ways and they cover it and you do it five times but you do it different every time and they cover it with three or four cameras and then you have your thing.

4:17 Drew Perfect.

4:18 Adam It's so much better. Oh my God.

4:20 Drew What did you play?

4:22 Adam I did, I had a sports talk show along with Charles Barkley. Charles Barkley is an amazing character by the way. He's, I like him though. First off, I like an athlete who's over weight or who was over weight during his career and especially basketball. It's not like the guy's a pro bowler. You know how hard it is to play like 44 minutes a night and maintain that weight?

4:47 Drew It's good times.

4:48 Adam He had to eat like the dining car of a train every day. For a 260 pound guy to run up and down the court as much as he runs up and down the court and still maintain that spare tire around your gut, that takes some work.

5:03 Drew As you know, that's James.

5:05 Adam Of course, and that's another thing. It always chaps my high, Drew. When everyone's talking about fad diets and fad this and this that, Mnute Bull is a 7'6 and he's being, think about every guy in the NBA. Think about the builds they have, whether it's Nick Van Exel, a smaller guy, or Shaq, or Jordan, whoever it is. Larry Bird, Larry Bird looked like an out-of-shape white guy his entire career, pretty much. Charles Barkley was sort of flirting with obesity his entire career.

5:39 Drew How is he now? Frankly obese?

5:42 Adam He's done flirting with obesity. He's gotten to third base. Obesity's finger-banging him now. No, he's put on a couple pounds. But my point is, Charles Barkley, here's a guy who could just jam the basketball. He wasn't that tall a guy.

5:57 Drew He's pretty tall, though. He's like 6'7, or something.

5:59 Adam No, no. He's 6'5, 6'6, which is good by our standards, but not necessarily by NBA standards, but just could box out like no one's business and had a pretty good vertical leap for a big, heavy-set guy. But there, that's all you need to know, everybody. Heavy set.

6:17 Drew Stalking.

6:18 Adam Well, I don't know if you can call him. He's such a great athlete. You can't call him anything. But here's the thing.

6:23 Drew Big.

6:23 Adam All you people are thinking about these diets and these exercise and this and getting on these pills, the ab stimulator and all this kind of stuff. Just think of every guy in the NBA, think of all the exercise they do, and think how they look exactly the same, almost, from the rookie season to the day they retire. All the running in the world did not change Charles Barkley's shape. And if he was with somebody, there was an aerobic exercise. That's the key. And by the way, he's not just doing jingle jangles up and down the thing. I mean, he's playing at a level that's beyond belief. I mean, the kind of intensity that's going on out there.

7:00 Yeah.

7:00 Adam We have to be in incredible shape to be able to do that.

7:03 Drew Yeah.

7:03 Adam And he looks the same.

7:04 Drew Yeah.

7:04 Adam So, how's it got on him?

7:05 Drew There you go.

7:06 Adam There you go. What are you going to do?

7:07 Drew Just his shape.

7:08 Adam Just his shape. I know. All right. And Jordan, that was just his shape. Yeah. All right. But great guy and a great ballplayer, obviously.

7:17 Drew Were you just with him or you would get Bernie Mac and all that?

7:20 Adam It was me, Charles Barkley and Bernie Mac. And we're doing like a sports talk show, sort of a best damn sports show kind of kind of thing. And we're just riffing and vibing and going back and forth. And those guys have a good sense of humor and they like to F around and all that. So, and they just think, and it's nice, by the way, when the directors and whoever realizes these guys are probably all at their best, just going off the script and screwing around. So they let us go. Also it's, it's season four over there, which season one, everyone's on pins and needles. There's always a bunch of network guys pacing around on cell phones, and everyone's freaked out. This ain't that. This is just season four. We're successful, we're cruising. Let's enjoy. All right, Drew, what did you do? You went to the upfronts.

8:08 Drew Then had some meetings and we gave a talk.

8:13 Adam Who?

8:13 Drew The LA, what was it called? It's LA Town Hall.

8:17 Adam I thought you meant like your spare tire or something.

8:19 Drew No, no, I actually gave a talk.

8:20 Adam Toaster Oven. You actually spoke to people this time. Building up. That's nice. What did you talk to them about?

8:26 Drew Addiction, surprise.

8:28 Adam Shocking.

8:29 Drew Shocking.

8:30 Adam Here's something that I found interesting. Not that I'm not interested in your talk, but we'll hear enough of that tonight. Remember last night, I was going way out of my way to-

8:39 Drew I woke up thinking of a bigger pardon.

8:42 Adam Yes, hold on. You woke up what? Hold on.

8:45 Drew Don't go ahead and keep finish. That was Tourette's.

8:47 Adam I went way out of my way last night talking about the stripper called in and I said, let me select some songs for your dancing. I kept talking about MacArthur Park as a very obscure, bizarre, 60s song. I can't even think of Rex Harrison. It wasn't Rex Harrison. Maybe it was.

9:06 Drew You said Rex Harrison, yeah.

9:07 Adam Yeah. Anyway, Donna Summer also sung the song, but I was just coming up with the name, the title MacArthur Park.

9:13 Drew I've never heard you say that before, by the way.

9:15 Adam Yes, it's the most sort of bizarre out there. Nobody under 50 would ever dream of playing that song or hearing that song or singing that song. I was watching American Idol tonight and the most popular chick on there, Carrie Underwood, comes on out, busts into MacArthur Park. I thought, wow, that is-

9:36 Drew You're channeling last night. And I woke up thinking about the blowhole thing.

9:41 Adam Yeah.

9:41 Drew Going, whoa, that's something happened there. That's not, that's not right.

9:46 Adam Drew and I had a serious blowhole moment last night in the show.

9:51 Drew Yeah.

9:51 Adam And how did that go again, Drew?

9:53 Drew I can't remember what you referenced, but you somehow you were talking about going to violate the blowhole of a whale.

10:00 Adam I was talking about, here's what I was talking about. I know the sounds shallow me, but when they do those nature films, there used to be a certain etiquette in nature films where they would show them fighting. And once in a while you'd show them, once in a while they'd show them effing.

10:19 Drew Right.

10:19 Adam Not too often. It was more about the bull walrus and they'd show them fighting. They didn't show them effing. Now, if there's any homosexual behavior between them, they show that too. And as a guy, I'm really creeped out by the, even on the animal level. And I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was watching, it was like, I was watching a special on killer whales. And I love killer whales. One of the reasons I love killer whales, this has got the word killer, right? Right in the title, number one.

10:49 Drew And whale number two.

10:50 Adam Number two, whale. Number three, they do things that other animals don't do. One is one kick the ass of a great white shark, which is awesome. I mean, how many animals on the planet say, yeah, I give a nice smack down on the great, it was about 19 footer. Give it a good ass whoop it. You know what I mean? That's a bad ass animal right there. That's good, that's good. Number one. Number two, they do that thing where at the Marine World, where they push a guy up in the air and throw him up in the air. I like that. Number three thing I like, when they train their cubs to hunt, the mama one will go find like a seal, stun it with her tail and then fling it back at her cub. The thing will just go sailing through the air and like practically laying on the cub and the cub will like play with it for a while. Meanwhile, the seal's all busted up and it's trying to swim back to shore. Mama goes around and gets it again, tosses it with its tail back again. It's toying with its prey and teaching its cub to hunt. Many things I like about The Killer Whale. One thing I found out I didn't like watching this documentary is a lot of the male killer whales like to get together, rub on each other in a sort of weird sexual way with erections.

12:01 Drew 12 foot erections?

12:03 Adam No, I'm 9 foot. The point is, it's weird, it's like finding out, it would be like if you're a big Packers fan, you find out Brett Favre was gay. You'd be like, I know, I still like him, but dude, I feel weird now. Feel a little violated when I find out when the animals I look up to is gay. But Killer Whale, gay. Should have known it, Killer, kind of a gay name. But the point is, I was freaked out by and I was explained to Drew last night that they just, they moved around with the erections and rubbed on each other, but they didn't feel any blowholes, basically was what I said. There's something like that.

12:43 Drew I think you said something about, you followed on with something about wanting to fill a blowhole or something.

12:48 Adam Yeah.

12:48 Drew And I said, well, wait a minute, that was the family guy tonight. There was a random, and you know how there's sometimes there's a cut to some random Peter comment about him violating the blowhole of a, that's why he can't go back to Rainland.

13:00 Adam Wow. Yeah. All coming around everybody. Well, you ready to rock?

13:05 Drew Here we go.

13:05 Adam All right. Megan?

13:08 Yes.

13:09 Adam What's happening?

13:10 Hi.

13:11 Adam Hey.

13:14 Okay. My problem, I, it's kind of embarrassing. I have, I think sometimes hemorrhoids, I'm not really too sure and I've never had it checked out. But I've had this problem ever since the first time I had anal sex. And it seems like even when the soreness and the irritation comes and goes, which I think is hemorrhoids, like every single time that I go number two, it hurts extremely bad.

13:41 Drew Why haven't you had this checked out?

13:43 I don't know. It really didn't get bad until the last three months before that.

13:48 Drew Let's just say that it's not normal to have pain every time you have a bowel movement. Look, there can be fissures, you can have an inflammatory bowel disease, you could have tears, you could have abscesses. All kinds of things can be going on down there. And some of it can be caused by anal sex. So how about we get that checked out so we can be quite serious.

14:03 Adam You just had the anal sex one time?

14:06 Really like maybe three times maybe.

14:08 Drew But you said since the first time it's hurt.

14:10 Yeah.

14:10 Drew But you've had it more than one time. That's a commitment, yeah.

14:14 Adam Yeah, talk about low self-esteem.

14:16 Awesome. No, no, it didn't hurt that bad.

14:18 Drew Oh yes, yes.

14:20 Adam It didn't hurt first time.

14:21 Drew Yeah, not that bad. Not that bad.

14:23 Adam Not that bad.

14:24 I don't have low self-esteem.

14:25 Adam Okay, well here's the thing. Young people, old people, old people, really reluctant to get their ass checked out. But especially, I think, women and-

14:36 Drew Yeah, but women are being, it gets checked out when they're up in the stirrups.

14:38 Adam Oh, it does? Oh, really? Well.

14:41 Drew So it's a little freby.

14:43 Adam Why? What do they do? Why, it's like one of those car things, as long as the car's up on the rack, we're gonna go ahead and check the rotors.

14:49 Drew Even more so, it's like, you're looking at the other side of the car, you're gonna leave parts of it out while you're going past?

14:56 Adam Well, I don't know. If I was up there for, let's say, a brake job, and I saw the guy effing with the transmission, I might be surprised.

15:04 Drew No, but let's say there was a giant hole in the oil pan or something, you wouldn't miss it.

15:08 Adam Drew named an auto part, buddy.

15:10 Drew Impressive.

15:10 Adam Awesome. Giant hole.

15:13 Drew Some sort of rip or something, dent or something.

15:16 Adam All right.

15:16 Drew You might not do anything about it, but you'd see it.

15:18 Adam All right.

15:18 Drew You know what I'm saying?

15:19 Adam Are we talking about cars now? I'm getting confused. Megan?

15:22 Drew Metaphorically speaking.

15:23 Adam I see. All right. So why don't you go throw yourself up on the rack and see if we can let Mr. Goodwrench see what's the problem.

15:30 Drew All right. Meantime, we get some Anusol cream, but don't not get checked.

15:34 Adam Anusol? What's down there? Oh, I'm thinking of Ambasol.

15:38 Drew No, Anusol.

15:39 Adam Yeah.

15:39 Drew Again, He's got anus right there in the name.

15:41 Adam I know, but they don't do anus. They do A-N-U.

15:44 Drew Sol, anus.

15:45 Adam Yeah, but it's like you're calling, it's like, you know what? It's Anusol, it's like you're picking up a Jewish softball team. I'll have, and you and Sol, you come over here. You know what I'm saying? It's like you're in a Jewish softball league.

16:00 Drew And you and Sol.

16:02 Adam Yeah.

16:03 Drew Uni-Royal. I can see the commercial now, and you, Sol.

16:07 Adam Yeah. All right. What?

16:09 Drew All playing softball.

16:10 Adam All playing softball.

16:11 Drew Here we go. Keep going.

16:12 Adam All right. So she should go to the doctor.

16:14 Drew Yeah.

16:15 Adam Chris? Yeah. Something I find interesting that Drew always tells me, which leads me to believe he only has a couple of movements a week, which is, here's how I can always tell Drew's schedule with everything because he I've said to him many times, I always heard that having three movements a day as opposed to one every two days is a good thing. And Drew said, absolutely not. That's just your schedule.

16:41 Drew Yeah.

16:41 Adam Nothing to do with anything else.

16:42 Drew They're just but reason it out. What could have what?

16:45 Adam Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you the reason. And I think I think this is probably what people do is they assume and maybe rightfully so. I don't know that the people that are doing three a day are having a better diet. They're eating more roughage or something like that. But that's true. I mean, if you eat, you know, if you eat celery stocks as opposed to brisket, you'll probably go more often.

17:08 Drew Larger amounts, but not necessarily more often. Not necessarily. You're sort of right.

17:13 Adam I think I mean, I've found through a personal anal experience that you go camping and just eat like beans and pork and beans and stuff like a couple of days, you can make it. You start drinking a bunch of carrot juice and that kind of stuff. You get fast-tracked from a BM standpoint.

17:30 Drew Yeah, certain stuff is faster.

17:32 Adam Yeah, I like that. Sounds like corporate talk. BM fast-track.

17:35 Drew Put that BM on fast-track.

17:37 Adam Let's go. And you and Saul and BM, you're on fast-track. Let's go now. All right, Chris.

17:43 Drew Break it down.

17:44 Adam Let's break it down. Here we go. Hello?

17:48 Drew Yeah, Chris.

17:49 Hello.

17:50 Adam Hello.

17:52 Drew Chris?

17:53 Adam Yes. See, they want us to take calls, Drew. They really do.

17:56 Drew I know.

17:57 Adam But then this is what happens.

17:58 Drew I know. These callers.

17:59 Adam A minute ago, we're laughing it up, living in the lap of luxury, talking about BMs and fast tracks. Go ahead, Chris. Okay.

18:09 All right.

18:10 Adam I live in Wyoming.

18:13 I'm having kind of a problem. For the last two weeks, I have, every time I go to the bathroom, I'm having, what?

18:22 Drew What happens, Chris? It what?

18:25 It burns.

18:26 Okay.

18:27 Adam All right. His phone line's bad. It's going to drive me nuts. His penis burns when he goes to the bathroom.

18:31 Drew That's a classic sexually transmitted disease symptom. Again, why aren't you getting that checked out? If let's say it is, well, any sexually transmitted disease that causes urethritis, which is what you're describing in inflammation of the urethra, that's what causes the burning, will have complications if you don't get it treated. You can get into the prostate, into the epididymis. If it's gonorrhea, it can cause an arthritis. A lot of people aren't aware of. So all kinds of things can happen. Go get this checked out. It's treated with a single dose of an antibiotic. Let's go, break it down.

19:00 Adam Yeah, let's go. And no greater, no bigger red flag raised in the venereal disease department that are pain with urination.

19:08 Drew For our hail especially.

19:10 Adam All right, all right. Now what if you didn't have any sex?

19:14 Drew Then it could be just a urinary tract infection or sort of an urethritis caused by non sexually transmitted bacteria. In either case needs to be taken care of.

19:22 Adam OK. Katie.

19:25 Drew Yeah.

19:25 Adam You're 19.

19:27 Caller Yes, sir.

19:28 Adam What's up?

19:30 Caller I'm taking off your phone. Well, I am 19 and my boyfriend and I have been together since we were pretty young. And we are starting to get into very out there kind of things like I will do him with a strap on dildo. So we'll do like strangulation type things.

19:47 Adam You can just say strap on by the way. We don't picture strap on spatula or strap on corkscrew or strap on turkey based. I pictured all that when I hear strap on reading glasses.

20:00 Drew Where did you and he meet?

20:02 Caller Actually, we went to the same high school and he was a year older than me.

20:07 Drew But you weren't like in the same foster care or something. Me?

20:12 Caller In foster care? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. We just went to the same high school.

20:17 Adam All right. Foster care high.

20:21 Caller We went to a very small high school. My graduating class was only 22 people.

20:25 Adam What? Say it again.

20:27 Caller We went to a very small high school. My graduating class only had 22 people.

20:32 Adam Now, that either means nice school, nice community or flunky school that's been lopped on and attached to big school for stoners that couldn't get along in regular school.

20:44 Caller It was rural and it was very flunky, sucky sports, sucky teachers. Yeah, lots of people, alcoholics, 15 pregnancies. That's it. Really exciting.

20:53 Drew I had a good time.

20:54 Adam That's nice, but there was no bigger, there's no bigger high school right next door.

20:58 Caller Oh, no. There's really nowhere else we could go unless you wanted to drive for like hours. We went up the mountains by Denver.

21:04 Adam All right.

21:05 Drew This isn't weird that now rural has become dysfunctional. We're going to move the country and save our kids and raise them in a healthy environment, fresh air and clean living. It's like, no, no, it's speed and trailers.

21:18 Adam Well, it's sort of, I hate to say it, but it's like we're in some sort of centrifuge that spins around and all the trash gets spread out to the perimeter. That just gets spread out.

21:33 Drew To spin art.

21:34 Adam To spin art. Yeah. Just gets thrown out to the corner. All right.

21:38 Drew Something you and I enjoyed as a youth. For different reasons.

21:42 Adam No, no, no. Let me just tell you something about the Ace man. Stuff like spin art.

21:46 Drew No way. Oh. Are you kidding?

21:49 Adam That's $2.

21:50 Drew Are you kidding?

21:51 Adam No. I didn't even bring that stuff up. No, you could look at it. You watch other people doing it. It's awesome. Yeah. Now, Drew and I are complaining about our childhood. No, like stuff like, oh, really came home to Roost today. I was actually doing Bernie Mac. I ran into a guy. The guy was directing Bernie Mac. I went to Walter Reed Junior High with.

22:13 Drew How weird is that?

22:14 Adam Yeah. He's like, hey, Adam. Hey, buddy. I'm glad you came in. Good to see you again. He was great above me. It's like, he said, I'm going to bring my yearbook in. Have you sign it or something. Bring your yearbook when you come in again on next Tuesday. I was thinking, I don't have a yearbook. What yearbook? That's crazy. We're not the Rockefellers. You know what would have been outlandish too? One of those caricature pictures where I'm on a skateboard and the parts are coming out of my head.

22:45 Drew I actually reacted when my wife got my kids some of those. I was like, what?

22:48 Caller What do you do?

22:49 Drew I'm outraged.

22:50 Adam That's $12. Katie?

22:53 Caller Yeah?

22:53 Adam Sorry about that digression. No, I'm level with the show. You use strap-ons?

22:59 Caller Yes.

23:01 Adam On your boyfriend? But here's how low his self-esteem is. He just gives it oral.

23:06 Caller Oh.

23:08 Adam True. Hypothetical.

23:09 Drew No. No.

23:10 Adam All right. Forget about your own family.

23:12 Drew All right.

23:13 Adam A neighbor's family. The son. He's getting hammered with a strap-on. What? Anally? Or he just performs oral on it?

23:23 Drew Number one.

23:24 Adam Just oral?

23:25 Drew Door number one, yeah.

23:26 Adam Really?

23:26 Drew Into door number two.

23:27 Adam Really? But think about the implications. I mean, physically not as tall in order, but emotionally more bizarre.

23:36 Drew If he were getting into one of those behaviors?

23:39 Adam It's like, that's his thing. Yeah.

23:40 Drew Oh, no, no, no.

23:42 Adam Oral?

23:42 Drew No.

23:43 Adam Anal. That's what you go for.

23:46 Drew Yeah.

23:46 Adam Even though much less intrusive. But if you had to walk in on it. Chris, if your mom came down the hall and walked in on you doing something. No. Performing on a strap-on or being on the business end of it?

24:08 Drew I don't know.

24:09 Adam You don't know?

24:11 Drew Poor kids can have nightmares. All right. All right. It's delicate sensibilities.

24:15 Adam All right.

24:17 Drew Let's finish with Katie.

24:18 Adam All right.

24:19 Drew Katie.

24:20 Adam Performing oral, though, would be profoundly disturbing.

24:23 Drew Bad times. It doesn't even. What? Who suggested the strap-on? Oh, it's all your idea. Was it the girlfriend? Oh, who wants to do the strap-on thing?

24:31 Adam I did you.

24:32 Drew Oh, yeah.

24:33 Adam Katie, whose idea was the strap-on? Chris wants to know.

24:36 Caller It kind of just was a mutual idea. I think I suggested it, but we started having pretend sex and kind of reversed roles like I was being real male and he was all spread. So it kind of just goes like, well, if you like that, maybe we should get a strap-on. He was like, oh, yeah, that's a great idea.

24:53 Adam When you say spread, you were on top of him?

24:56 Caller Yeah, it was kind of like pretend role reversal.

24:59 Adam All right. Hold on. We got to take a break.

25:02 Drew You want to get back to Katie?

25:03 Adam Yeah, we do. I have to shake my head like an etch of scotch and then give myself a quick fleet enema. That's another thing, Drew. Fleets? No. Getting it with a strap-on, but you're in the sort of submissive female position. I mean, you're in a traditional female role or position.

25:26 Drew There's only one way to have anal sex in there. I mean, basically.

25:29 Adam No, I think there's doggie, and then she's, no, she's talking about, she's talking about missionary. I think you can do that. Missionary anal. Sounds like the world's worst like action movie. Missionary anal. Sean Claude Van Dam is, yeah. Hold on, one more time. Katie?

25:52 Caller Yeah?

25:53 Adam Is he on his back or on his knees when you do this to him?

25:58 Caller Sometimes he's on his back, sometimes he'll write it and act very womanly and sometimes he'll do it so funny.

26:04 Drew You, we need to talk.

26:06 Adam You gotta give it up for the boy for having range, though, on top.

26:10 Drew Very, very range. In fact, how do you even think of these things?

26:14 Adam I don't know, but there's a fair amount of anal with the dude on his back.

26:20 Drew And out there in the world?

26:22 Adam I think so, yeah. And we gotta take a break, but you know what I'm saying?

26:26 Drew I hear you. I don't know what you're saying.

26:28 Adam All right, so now you get to walk in on the neighbor's kid.

26:31 Drew No, okay, during the break. Let's go talk while we're paying.

26:33 Adam Okay, Chris, let's do something healthy. Your mom's coming down the hall.

26:36 Drew Have a discussion while we urinate. Come on.

26:38 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Hey, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Good news here at the studio. The microwave still smells like a cat took a crap on a wheel of provolone.

27:09 Drew By the way, what did we walk into the bathroom?

27:10 Adam Somebody melted it in there. Well, it was flooded. I don't know. Something was going on in the bathroom, too. But the bathroom, the... What's a microwave smell like? Last night...

27:21 Drew Like hell.

27:22 Adam Last night, it smelled like cheese that someone took. It smelled like old cheese that someone took a blowtorch to.

27:28 Drew The whole room was reeking of it last night. Now you got to stick your nose towards it.

27:31 Adam Tonight's just a place where we put our coffee. But it still smells like cheese.

27:35 Drew Yeah.

27:35 Adam How does... Like I said, is it a microwave or is it an old movie theater? Where's all the upholstery come from? Where's the retention? It's a bunch of steel and glass.

27:47 Drew I know. It's weird.

27:48 Adam Why does it think smell like cheese 24 hours after what it did before? And you know what? Ooh, I got a radical idea. One day I'm going to open a radio station. I'll put a kitchen in it. And I'm going to have a microwave, smaller one. And it's going to be this microwave, just for heating up coffee and water, and beverages and that kind of stuff. The big one over here...

28:11 Drew The soups make it smell like hell too.

28:12 Adam This one over here, there's a food microwave. That's where you do up your nachos, you do up your cheese. Now, you do that.

28:18 Drew A radio station? How many minutes before it gets all screwed up?

28:22 Adam Or someone just defecated in the small one, and just wrote to Helter Skelter and Fecal Matter on the door. Yeah.

28:29 Drew Screw Adam Corolla.

28:31 Adam Well, radio stations are awesome. I found a open can of Chef Boyardee mini raviolis. Aren't all raviolis mini? Did anyone ever get one that's like 14 inches by 28 or something like that? They're all just mini, really.

28:48 Drew But mini was three quarters eaten.

28:50 Adam There were. Here's the deal. If Chef Boyardee, if a can of ravioli, Chef Boyardee ravioli, and by the way, nobody over the age eight should be eating anything that comes out of the Chef Boyardee kitchen, I will label you retarded if I see anybody who can grow facial hair, who's eating spaghettios or macaronios or raviolios. Unless I got a note from your doctor saying that you're actually impaired, retarded, I will label you as someone I can't speak to.

29:24 Drew But then this went beyond that.

29:26 Adam This was a can of Chef Boyardee raviolis. There's probably 10 of them that come in the can, seven of them work on and three of them, two or three.

29:35 Drew Were left at the bottom.

29:36 Adam Were left at the bottom.

29:37 Drew Can't even open a good two weeks.

29:38 Adam And for freshness, they took a paper towel, wedged in the top.

29:42 Drew It's just crammed down on top of the can.

29:44 Adam This is an adult who is a professional, theoretically, who decides, I'm going to keep two cents worth of the world's worst ravioli ever created, the world's worst Italian food.

29:57 Drew And keep it fresh with a paper towel.

29:58 Adam And keep it fresh with a paper towel. I'll put that in the fridge. That's what you find at the radio station, everybody.

30:04 Drew Did you bring that out? You brought that out, didn't you, that night?

30:06 Adam I did bring it out. I want to know who's goddamn candidate was. I want to know who was eating Chef Boyardee ravioli. You have to just be an idiot. You just have to be an a-hole. You have to be. Everyone wants to separate everything from everything else. You know, it's like, sure, he was a serial killer, but he's a good father. And he was a good, good, he was a loving father. And he was the head of his church, you know. Everyone wants to do this. He's a good guy. He's a smart guy. He's this, he's that, he's the other, but does this or that. You eat as an adult, chef boy, RD., you're an idiot. We have nothing to talk about.

30:42 Drew I'm glad you brought up that topic. That immediately brings us to Katie's boyfriend.

30:48 Adam Yes.

30:48 Drew We can label him something based on his behavior. Let's figure that out.

30:52 Adam Yeah.

30:53 Drew He likes to ride a dildo that she wears.

30:55 Adam Yes, and he likes to receive it in missionary.

30:59 Drew Female submissive positions.

31:01 Adam Yes. Katie?

31:02 Caller Hi.

31:03 Adam Does he enjoy ravioli-os?

31:06 Caller Unfortunately, yeah, we do eat spaghettios and things like that. So I guess we're kind of-

31:11 Drew There you go, Adam. We're zeroing in here.

31:14 Adam Do you actually go to the supermarket and buy spaghettios?

31:19 Caller They're cheap. We're poor.

31:21 Adam I know, but let me explain something. This is right up there in the 70s when they said old people had to eat cans of dog food and cat food. First off, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, 29 cents, maybe 45 cents, whatever. Top Ramen, free. And the other thing is get a can of tuna for 59 cents.

31:42 Drew Right.

31:44 Adam What's the ravioli is going to run you? I mean, that's like a buck 10, buck 29. There's decent food out there. Yes?

31:51 Drew Yes.

31:52 Adam Thank you. All right. So no excuse for your retardism in the spaghettios. What? That's just that just says albino white trash.

32:01 Drew Yes. So we've concluded that.

32:03 Adam All right. So what else? What's wrong with him? I don't trust this guy.

32:08 Drew Well, what? You guys are living together?

32:10 Caller We live together. We've been living together since I turned 18.

32:14 Drew And how old is he?

32:15 Caller He's 21. I'm 19 right now.

32:18 Drew Where are your families of origin? I mean.

32:21 Caller My family is from California originally. His family is from Minnesota. My parents.

32:26 Drew Again, what do you?

32:27 Adam They must be from like Lompoc or something.

32:30 Drew I started with that they were in foster care together.

32:33 Adam Yeah. What are you doing away from your family? So young.

32:37 Caller I don't know. I just go to school and have a job.

32:39 Drew And you see what I'm saying. Oh, Katie, please. Are you high?

32:42 Adam Well, maybe this is above the school.

32:43 No, I am not high.

32:44 Caller Please don't say that.

32:45 Adam When did you leave your family?

32:48 Caller I left my mom when I turned 18, but I love her. I still go to see her all the time. It's not like she doesn't take care of me or whatever.

32:54 Adam What part of California is she in?

32:56 Caller Well, she doesn't live in California right now. We moved out here when I was 10. So right now she still lives up in the mountains where I grew up.

33:03 Adam All right. And your dad, is he around?

33:05 Caller No, I saw this one coming. No dad since about 8, and then my stepdad is an alcoholic, so that was predictable.

33:12 Adam All right. It's coming together.

33:13 Drew So your biological dad must be an addict also?

33:16 Caller Yeah, he was a drug addict.

33:17 Adam There we go. All right.

33:19 Drew And did he abuse you?

33:21 Caller Not that I remember. I don't really think he did. I just think it was enough. Well, I've been to therapy before, and my therapist just says that him not being there did enough to make me feel bad about myself or whatever.

33:30 Drew Fair enough.

33:31 Adam But what got you into therapy?

33:34 Caller When I was younger, I was just a wreck, and I was into like self-cutting and stuff. I don't do that anymore, but I was not very healthy at the time.

33:42 Drew It's coming into focus. All right. That's where all the choking comes from and all that stuff. So far, the aggression in bed with the wearing of the dildo.

33:48 Adam All right. So we got alcohol. We got drug addict dad. We have an alcoholic stepdad. We got wreck of a mom who thought it'd be a good idea to welcome these two foxes into the hen house.

33:59 Caller Actually, my mom's a very good mom and she planned this out. Didn't realize my dad was an idiot.

34:06 Drew Well, let's say it again. Your mom thought it was a good idea to bring this a-hole into the home.

34:10 Adam Two a-holes.

34:10 Drew Two a-holes.

34:11 Caller At least she got rid of them.

34:13 Adam She got rid of one after eight years and the other one after how many years?

34:17 Caller Oh, I don't know. It was like two years later she married my stepdad and they're still technically married but...

34:22 Drew I thought she got rid of them.

34:25 Caller No, she got rid of my real dad. My stepdad, I don't know, I hate him but yeah.

34:31 Drew Okay, everything is great, perfectly normal, every family is like that kid.

34:34 Adam Let me ask for just one second. I'm sorry if I'm sure mom was a victim at some point, I'm sure horrible atrocity.

34:41 Drew Well, her dad was an alcoholic.

34:42 Adam Performed on her but part of being a good parent is bringing the right people around, into the home and around your child especially. You bring a succession of alcoholic junkies who abuse your child whether overtly or not or just being high and out of hand around him. That's bad parenting. You get to actually get a bad parent label even if you're not the one.

35:09 Drew Not bad person, bad parent.

35:12 Adam Yeah.

35:13 Drew It's a technicality.

35:14 Adam If your mom was the world's greatest mom but she just opened the sofa to transient hobos so they could sit there and get into the liquor cabinet and then come into your room at four in the morning drunk and have a great idea. They weren't the one who did it.

35:29 Drew Yeah.

35:29 Adam That's their bad parent for opening the door to the guy.

35:32 Drew Right. That's it. Bad parenting.

35:33 Adam Thank you. All right, Katie. I don't trust this guy.

35:38 Drew Tell us about him.

35:40 Caller OK. Well, actually, he's got a lot a lot wrong with him. I have kind of my mom is a caretaker and so am I. So I kind of pick the crap ones and try to fix them. So he's just a wreck. And if I tell you everything, I'm sure you're not going to believe me. But he's just I know he was molested. He told me that. And his father was really bad into drinking and would abuse him and his mother. And his mother hates him and he hates his mother. And he has a really bad mental illness. And he used to do drugs.

36:06 Drew What mental illness is that bipolar?

36:08 Caller No, actually, he has paranoid schizophrenia, but he respond to medication. He doesn't have crazy all the time. He doesn't ever have psychotic episodes, except for very rarely.

36:18 Adam All right, Katie.

36:19 Drew He doesn't ever have them except for sometimes.

36:21 Adam All right, he never has them except for very rarely. All right, here's the thing, Katie.

36:25 Drew Oh, Katie.

36:26 Adam You... Where do we begin?

36:30 Drew Suddenly the dildo shrinks in importance.

36:33 Adam Here's all I'm saying, because we're in sort of damage control mode now. You need to not have any kids.

36:40 Drew Yes.

36:41 Adam So...

36:41 Caller I want birth control. I love birth control.

36:43 Adam Good. And even when you're using the dildo, I want you to pull out.

36:47 Caller Check.

36:49 Drew His behavior really, I don't think you can analyze it and make sense of it, because he's got so many biological problems. This is just how he manages those crazy, crazy feelings.

37:02 Adam He's too far gone. You're not going to be able to fix it.

37:04 Drew It is, of course, a reenactment of the sexual abuse. He has a child on some level.

37:08 Adam You need to, of course, you need to not get pregnant. Do you understand?

37:14 Drew She's got it. She's doing good with that.

37:17 Adam Please.

37:17 Drew You're our new favorite trainwreck.

37:20 Adam I would, your favorite trainwreck. I would not trust this guy with an Anfarm. Do not bring shit around him.

37:26 Drew Katie has some judgment. She just.

37:27 Adam She's not stupid.

37:28 Drew Yeah.

37:29 Adam And she has had a little therapy. And you can hear that.

37:31 Drew Yeah.

37:31 Adam I don't think it's going to, I don't think therapy is going to change his love of the strap on any more than her getting therapy is going to change her pathology to draw in f'd up people and take care of them. But at least you know what you're doing.

37:45 Drew Yep.

37:46 Adam All right.

37:47 Drew Hey, hey, whoo.

37:48 Adam These Jews are out of hand.

37:50 Drew But it takes all kinds.

37:51 Adam It takes all kinds.

37:52 Drew I thought she was Asian.

37:54 Adam Could be Asian, Joe. Yeah. Go ahead.

37:57 Drew It just takes all kinds.

37:58 Adam I'll tell you, I, you know, my favorite show, one of my favorite shows out there is the Extreme Home Makeover.

38:04 Drew Oh yeah.

38:05 Adam You know, I keep a race tally. Still waiting for the Jews or the Asians to pop up. Haven't seen them yet. Lots of Mexican, lots of blacks, lots of white. Not gonna see. And everybody, everyone just close your eyes and picture an Asian family popping up on that Extreme Home Makeover. Yeah, alcoholic dad. He, he beat up on mom pretty good. Then he got cirrhosis and he died. We were left with 26 kids. No way to pay the bills. Grandmama's living upstairs. Think about it.

38:38 Drew It's the Wynn family.

38:39 Adam Doesn't sound right, does it? No, doesn't. That's all we need to know. That's all we need to know.

38:47 Drew Let's take a break.

38:47 Adam Want to take a break?

38:48 Drew Yeah.

38:48 Adam I don't want to go out on that racist note, Drew.

38:52 Drew Take a quick one, like a six.

38:53 Adam Six?

38:54 Drew Yeah.

38:54 Adam Jordan. Jordan 19.

38:57 Caller Yeah.

38:58 Adam Oh, you're Czech?

39:00 Caller Yeah.

39:01 Adam You sound cute.

39:03 Well, thank you.

39:04 Caller I am.

39:04 No, I'm just kidding.

39:06 Adam No, I believe you. You sound a little heavy-sat but cute.

39:08 Thank you.

39:09 Drew All right.

39:10 Adam What's up?

39:10 Drew Heavy-sat.

39:11 Adam Well, you're a little husky, right?

39:13 Drew Husky. There you go.

39:14 No, definitely not.

39:16 Adam Oh, really?

39:16 No, definitely not.

39:18 Adam What's your shape?

39:20 I am actually very petite. I'm about 110. And big boobs, thank god. I'm close to you.

39:31 Drew Hold on, Jordan. I got to mop up. Oh, my god.

39:36 Adam I'm in a refractory phase right now. What's up? What's going on? I know where I am. Oh, we're doing a radio show.

39:43 Drew Taking a break. We're taking a break.

39:44 Adam We're going to take a break. We're going to get back with the petite yet busty Jordan after this.

39:51 Hello, this is Loveline.

39:53 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline will be right back.

39:56 Caller Loveline is brought to you by TNT.

40:02 Adam Yeah, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-E-191. Angie from The Apprentice on Here to Marry Night. The Apprentice is a very good show, which Drew enjoys quite a bit. And I also enjoy it. Angie was great on the show.

40:20 Drew She's an old friend of yours.

40:21 Adam She is an old friend of mine. And I didn't know it until, what's her name, the zesty little Latina broad who came in here from The Apprentice. I'll come up with her name in a second. Hot. Came in here.

40:35 Drew Was she about to start a 3-2 TV show or something? What was she telling us?

40:37 Adam Don't worry. She's on the fast track. But the point is she came in here and explained to me that I knew Angie and that Angie said to say hi. And I realized, yeah, like 12, 13 years ago.

40:50 Drew And then we got her on the phone.

40:52 Adam We got her on the phone, yeah. She was a, she was a girlfriend of a good friend of mine.

40:56 Drew Todd, as I recall.

40:57 Adam Todd, yes. We hung out for a while.

40:59 Drew Todd must be gone now.

41:01 Adam Todd is working at a home depot.

41:05 Drew How come she, oh, that's better.

41:07 Adam In Utah.

41:08 Drew Oh, nice.

41:09 Adam So, things have worked out. Hey, he's doing doors and windows. He ain't, you know.

41:14 Drew Left door plumbing.

41:16 Adam Yeah, he ain't just out there, you know, looking for, you know, universal fittings and elbows and LBs and, you know, ball cock valves. He's out there with the doors and the windows.

41:28 Caller Okay. All right.

41:30 Adam How dare you judge one of my friends. Jordan?

41:32 Drew We must not judge her.

41:34 Adam All right. Sounds sweet. You're 19. 110 pounds?

41:41 Caller Yeah.

41:41 Adam And busty, you say?

41:43 Caller I'm pretty busty, yeah.

41:45 Adam How tall are you?

41:46 Caller I'm 5'3 and a half. Yeah.

41:50 Adam Pipe up just a little bit, would you? What's the cup size on you?

41:55 Caller I'm 32 feet.

41:56 Adam Hmm. See, there you go. That makes sense. That's a small back with the nice cup. Very nice. You sound delightful. Thank you. What are you doing? Are you working? You go to school?

42:08 Caller Yeah, actually, I work at an elementary school. It's really a pretty hard job, actually.

42:15 Caller I work with spoiled kids all day long.

42:17 Drew Spoiled kids, not special education kids.

42:19 Caller It's spoiled kids. It's a private school, yeah.

42:22 Drew No.

42:23 Adam Less little pampered little kids with their silver spoons in their mouths.

42:28 Caller Oh, yeah. I could sit here for hours and tell you hilarious stories about my little fourth graders. You tell me they're going to sue me for yelling at them.

42:36 Adam Oh, yeah. Let's see if we can figure out the race of the ethnicity of those kids too. So Drew, I can do all the math on this show.

42:45 Drew It's amazing.

42:46 Adam Yeah. All right. All right. So what city is this school in? And do they have like blackberries and things like that? Cell phones?

42:54 Caller Actually, yeah.

42:55 Caller All my third and fourth years have cell phones.

42:57 Drew What school? What city are you teaching in?

42:59 Caller It's in Covina. It's called Sunrise Christian.

43:01 Caller Oh, I probably just gave away too much information.

43:04 Adam All right. Well, they're painting the answer. All right. So anyway, you're getting wisdom teeth pulled?

43:10 Caller No.

43:10 Adam OK.

43:11 Drew You sure you want to go through with this? I don't want you to incriminate yourself and get the school out.

43:15 Caller No, this is really bad. So you're not going to think I'm not cute anymore after I tell you this. I had my wisdom teeth pulled and I had all four of them pulled. I'm dating this guy right now and he, I mean, about six months ago, I found out that he has herpes. So I'm kind of, I know this is going to sound really sad, but I've kind of stayed with him because I really feel like I just don't know if there's going to be too many other guys out there that are going to want to stay with me if they-

43:54 Drew Oh, you have herpes now?

43:55 Caller Yeah, well, of course. I was sleeping with him at the time.

43:58 Adam I'd have you.

44:01 Drew Yeah, guys are not that troubled, Jordan, by all that.

44:04 Adam Well, here's the thing. When we find the 110C cup with the small back and the big cans and a nice sense of humor, we're able to see past venereal diseases.

44:18 Drew You're sort of like Superman. You have X-ray vision. You're right through it.

44:23 Adam I see what's in a woman's heart, not on her vagina. That's my thing, Drew. That's my saying.

44:30 Drew Yes, I've noticed that about you.

44:32 Adam I look into a woman's soul, not on top of her vagina.

44:34 Drew Sure, sure. Yes, of course.

44:37 Adam I look for passions, not lesions.

44:40 Drew Oh, nice. That's a wisdom to live by.

44:44 Adam You hear that, Chris? Yeah, yeah, I got that. Thank you. Go ahead. I'm looking for open minds, not open souls.

44:52 Drew So that's why we've got herpes, you've got herpes, we've got wisdom teeth pulled. What's the question?

44:59 Caller The question is, my dentist told me it would take about a month for it to heal. So I was wondering, I'm not like, I'm kind of a clean freak which is why I was really upset about finding out I had herpes. I was wondering if there would be any possible chance I could get an infection from giving head to him while having the sore in my mouth.

45:29 Drew I don't think you'd be at an added risk of getting herpes in your mouth. If he had any viral shedding, meaning if he was producing virus and he may not have symptoms when that's happening, he can transmit that to your mouth whether or not you have the sores from wisdom teeth being pulled. It penetrates the lining of the mouth, doesn't need an open sore. It's not like HIV or something like that.

45:49 Adam Interesting. All right, Jordan. Good luck. I like Jordan.

45:53 Drew You like Laker.

45:55 Adam She's looking for reasons to perform oral.

45:58 Drew Yeah.

45:58 Adam She's humbled by her herpes. Herpes will humble. You know what I'm saying?

46:03 Drew You're just a poetic tonight. I'm just taking.

46:06 Adam I should be doing like a deaf jam. Herpes. Little bongo.

46:12 Drew Humble.

46:14 Caller Herpes.

46:16 Drew You're better just with the straight poetry.

46:17 Adam Oh, okay.

46:18 Drew The pros. All right, we're going to take a break.

46:20 Adam Hold on. Trish?

46:22 Caller Yeah.

46:23 Adam You and your boyfriend are both in the military?

46:25 Caller Yeah.

46:27 Adam What branch?

46:29 Caller Oh, okay. He's in the Marines. Number five. I'm in the Navy.

46:35 Adam All right. So you guys are arch enemies.

46:38 Caller Exactly.

46:39 Adam All right. So you're both still in the service.

46:42 Caller Of course.

46:43 Adam And he brought her on around there. Relationship is falling apart. Interesting. Is he shipped out somewhere now? Or you're shipped out?

46:50 Caller No.

46:51 Caller We're local.

46:51 Caller We're just far away because he's based in Palm Springs somewhere and I'm based in LA somewhere.

46:56 Caller All right.

46:56 Adam Hold on a second. By the way, she's probably out towards San Diego, east out in Palm Desert or whatever.

47:04 Drew San?

47:04 Adam Yeah. It's a whole 51 miles. You could drive a half track back and forth.

47:11 Drew We'll hear more.

47:11 Adam All right. We'll take a break. We'll be right back after this.

47:27 Drew 5-105.

47:50 Adam Yeah, buddy. Oh, it's my song.

48:02 Drew Nice.

48:03 Adam Confident stride, hair bouncing, feathered hair bouncing, ladies, slow motion, all looking over the shoulders at the bar.

48:11 Drew Don't you pull your glasses off?

48:13 Adam I lean them down, I slide them down. And I look over the top.

48:16 Drew And here's what they see.

48:17 Adam They see this?

48:18 Drew Here's what they see.

48:19 Adam How do they hear it?

48:21 Drew Well, they see it.

48:23 Caller Oh, really?

48:24 Adam I thought the joke was this is what they hear. Yeah. Yeah. Where are those bars where the hot chicks sit around and drink?

48:37 Drew On commercials.

48:38 Adam Is that just it?

48:38 Drew Yeah.

48:39 Adam And do they, and do hot chicks, according to commercials, they sort of pair off, like, all right, we got a blonde chick, we got a black chick, although she has white features and she's not very dark, and then we have a Asian chick. We'll put them together and they'll hang out. That's what every beer commercial's like. Whoa, we got a hot redhead, we got a hot blonde, we got a hot black chick who, again, doesn't look black or has no features. She's white, but she's spray-painted brown. She's straight hair, little nostrils, little pixie nose and everything. There's nothing you'd think of as a traditional. Put her with, watch for a hot Asian chick or a Latin chick. They're interchangeable. They don't need both. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? It's quite a formula. It's one or the other. You need a hot blonde, you need the hot black chick who really doesn't seem black, and then you need either the Asian or Latina chick, depending. Excellent. And that's who hangs out at the bar. Of course. But it's never two blondes hanging out together.

49:38 Drew No, I've never seen that.

49:39 Adam But if it is two blondes, it's eight blondes. See what I'm saying? It's a whole grouping of blondes. That's how it works. Smoking hot chicks like to drink. And they're somehow, I like the ones too that are, they know their beers. They don't like that Michelob because it's watery. They don't want Miller Lite. They want the Sam Adams, like, you know, hot 21 year old chick who knows about anything?

49:58 Drew Sure, sure. She's the first thing on their mind.

50:00 Adam She's a hops and barley gal. Probably just a little brewing herself.

50:04 Drew Of course. Trash can.

50:06 Adam She's been to Bavaria a few times buying, buying barley.

50:10 Drew So Trish, you're in the Navy and your husband's in the Marines and you live 50 miles apart. Boyfriend. You live 50 miles apart. What's going on?

50:17 Caller Well, here's the deal. You know, Marines usually have, well, they do have a stereotype that all they do is drink when they're off duty and mess around and stuff. And he's not like that.

50:27 Adam That's not him.

50:28 Drew Of course not. How dare you?

50:30 Caller But I heard, you know, before he went to Iraq, he told me himself, me and him can talk straight out, but he told me that he drank a lot. I mean, it was so bad that every day he was drinking right before he left. He comes back and, you know, he just met me. This is a total new relationship. So it's not like it's been a while.

50:46 Drew Well, slow down a second. How long were you together before he was shipped out?

50:50 Caller We, no, we weren't together when he shipped out. I just met him like a month ago.

50:57 Drew Is this confusing to you? It's confusing to me.

50:59 Adam I, every, I gotta be honest with everyone. Every, about every 14th call I decide not to pay attention to.

51:06 Caller Yeah.

51:06 Adam Just think about other things.

51:07 Drew You chose the right one.

51:08 Adam What's going on?

51:09 Drew I have no idea.

51:10 Adam She got that strap on, Dilda?

51:12 Drew We're getting there.

51:13 Adam Okay. All right.

51:15 Drew So a few minutes ago, you said you'd been together for months and he was in Palm Springs and you were in San Clemente or something.

51:23 Caller I've been together for almost a month.

51:26 Drew When did he go to Rock?

51:28 Caller He went to Rock. I'm not even sure. I met him after.

51:31 Drew Okay. Met him after. All right.

51:33 Adam Drew.

51:35 Drew Just him talking to you. Flow holes?

51:38 Adam FFYI. The difference between curtains and drapes, is it the same thing or is there a difference?

51:43 Drew I think though with drapes, you start thinking about heavier material. I think it's a drape.

51:48 Adam Curtains could be more sheer.

51:49 Drew Curtains could be anything that covers a window.

51:53 Adam Okay.

51:53 Drew So, Trish?

51:54 Caller Yeah.

51:55 Drew Keep going.

51:56 Adam Drapes thick?

51:57 Caller I'm sorry?

51:58 Adam Is it thicker material?

52:00 Drew Yes. I'm sorry.

52:01 Adam Go ahead, Trish.

52:02 Drew Heavy. I think it's a...

52:02 Adam Heavier material? Okay. As I'm seeing on, you always want it.

52:06 Drew Yeah. Okay.

52:07 Adam Go ahead, Trish.

52:08 Caller Okay. Well, pretty much my question is, you know, he admitted to me that he had a little drinking problem in the past. And this is just a new relationship. But he was telling, you know, in this weekend, he was supposed to come and see me or at least call me or something. And he did it. He didn't call me the whole Sunday.

52:25 Adam Another just quick one apropos to nothing, but pasteurized and homogenized.

52:32 Drew Different.

52:33 Adam Different things.

52:34 Drew Foyer and portico chair.

52:36 Adam Different place in the house? Yeah.

52:37 Drew Foyer is a little...

52:39 Adam That's it.

52:40 Drew Portico chair, I think, is where they actually drive things through.

52:42 Adam Oh, they have to pull the car in. Pasteurized.

52:44 Drew Pasteurized is a process. They take the bacteria out. It's a heating process. Homogenized is sort of mixing it up.

52:50 Adam Mixing.

52:50 Drew Yeah. Okay.

52:52 Adam Okay. And the drapes are heavier.

52:55 Drew Heavier.

52:55 Adam Heavier material.

52:56 Drew Portico chair, car, through.

52:57 Adam Homogenized and mixing.

52:58 Drew Foyer is just sort of a way to...

53:00 Adam You would homogenize something after you pasteurize it?

53:02 Drew I believe that's so true.

53:03 Adam Okay. Trish?

53:05 Caller Yeah.

53:06 Adam Sorry, go ahead.

53:07 Caller Okay. So my friend told me to call this line, and I wasn't going to, and I did anyways, but he told me that because he has so many problems right now, just because he's going through a lot in his unit and stuff, told me that I shouldn't fall for this guy so quickly.

53:23 Drew I would agree. I would agree, Trish.

53:25 Adam Real quick, one more time. I don't know what the caller is talking about. I'm assuming you're doing your job. Sure, sure. Micro.

53:34 Drew And macro.

53:34 Adam Small.

53:35 Drew Small.

53:35 Adam Small. Macro.

53:36 Drew Big.

53:37 Adam Macro big.

53:37 Caller Yeah.

53:39 Adam Okay, so macro, not macro. What would be big, like a six-foot sub would be macro and finger food would be micro?

53:47 Drew Yeah, it's usually even bigger scale differences. Like an eight-foot sub? Like...

53:52 Adam Nine-foot sub?

53:53 Drew Studying New York City would be on a macro level and studying the behavior of an ant would be micro.

54:00 Adam Oh, okay. So be smaller. Micro?

54:02 Drew Macro.

54:03 Adam Macro. Okay.

54:04 Drew So Trish, definitely it's a month old relationship. The guy's already giving you sort of messages about this not working. He's an alcoholic whose disease is emerging. Not the kind of situation you want to get really tightly involved with. Certainly not one that he's giving you cues you should be getting involved with. Did you have an alcoholic father?

54:21 Caller No. And the thing is, he admitted himself. He's like, I don't want this.

54:25 Drew It doesn't have anything to do with you. It's him and his disease. Did you have a dad or mom who drank? No. Well, then why are you insisting on grabbing on to this relationship with both hands?

54:36 Caller Well, you know, just the fact that he admitted it, because really guys, they won't.

54:41 Drew Alright Trish, admitting it has nothing to do with anything. Don't worry about that. Alcoholics will often say that and go, and someday I'll deal with it, but right now I'm drinking. Micro small.

54:53 Adam Okay, but, and then just another topic. Flip flops and Zoris. Same.

54:59 Drew Same thing.

54:59 Adam Zorin and flip flops.

55:01 Drew Some people in this state, California, we'll call them slaps. Remember Japslaps?

55:05 Adam Oh, another Japslaps. Same.

55:09 Drew Same.

55:09 Adam In the sandal family? In the family of a sandal. No one called them a sandal. No one called flip flop sandals.

55:17 Drew Not intentionally. Just maybe reaching for a description.

55:20 Adam Do you need a heel strap to be a sandal?

55:23 Drew Not on a woman.

55:25 Adam Not on a woman.

55:25 Drew Not on a woman.

55:26 Adam But on a man. Here's what I say.

55:29 Drew Yes, I think that's true, because the Romans had sandals.

55:32 Adam I won't. If a, if a, if a chit, a chit can wear a sandal with no heel strap and still be wearing a sandal. If a guy puts those on, he's wearing flip flops.

55:47 Caller Yeah.

55:49 Adam Wow.

55:49 Drew Heavy. Because the woman's sandals can have a heel.

55:55 Adam Caller.

55:56 Drew Trish.

55:57 Caller Yeah.

55:58 Adam I'm sorry. Drew digressed again. Go ahead.

56:01 Caller Well, like I said, I mean, I would normally just be like whatever, but he looks like he knows that he, he doesn't want to go back into that. He wants to get rid of the problem. And he wants us to work out.

56:14 Drew So he's getting, his dealing with alcoholism is him going to treatment. That's nothing to do with you. And if he's not going to treatment, he's not going to stop drinking. Very simple.

56:22 Adam You're just again, just quickly. Is it editor in chief or editor and chief? In chief. In chief. Cause it seems like it would be editor and chief, you know?

56:35 Drew In chief.

56:36 Adam In chief. In chief.

56:37 Drew In chief.

56:38 Adam What does in chief mean? Does it mean anything? Editor in chief. Seems weird, doesn't it?

56:46 Drew It does.

56:47 Adam It's like he's in some sort of fabric called chief.

56:49 Caller In chief.

56:50 Adam Editor in chief, you know?

56:51 Drew It's sort of like in, I think it's like in residence.

56:55 Caller Uh-huh.

56:55 Adam In residence. Cause I think a lot of people say editor and chief sometimes. Yeah. Caller? Yeah. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

57:04 Caller So, he's not like, it's like he's telling me that he wants to stop before it gets even worse. Because you know...

57:11 Drew Well, that's up to him. That has nothing to do with you. Nothing.

57:14 Caller I know, but see, that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking...

57:16 Adam Real quick, Drew. Enter in intra.

57:19 Drew Yeah, that's a tough one.

57:20 Adam Yeah, that's hard one to figure out.

57:21 Drew Enter is between.

57:22 Adam Enter is between.

57:24 Drew Enter is within.

57:25 Adam Within.

57:26 Drew It's an interstate.

57:28 Adam Interstate.

57:29 Drew It goes from state to state.

57:30 Adam That's state to state. Oh, that's between state to state. Enter is between.

57:34 Drew Yeah, interstate.

57:35 Adam Entra.

57:36 Drew Within.

57:37 Adam But what about the intercontinental ballistic missiles?

57:41 Drew From continent to continent.

57:42 Adam Oh, between continent. And if it was an intracontinental ballistic missile, it would blow ourselves up. So we couldn't.

57:50 Drew Couldn't do that. Wouldn't want to do that.

57:53 Adam So one's within. There's an inter and intra.

57:57 Drew Fascinating.

57:58 Adam Interesting.

57:58 Drew Trish?

57:59 Adam Call her.

58:00 Caller Yeah.

58:01 Adam Go ahead.

58:01 Caller Okay. So my question is, you know, here's the thing. I really, really like him. I really do. And the fact that he, he says that he, he's open with me and just telling me this. And he actually does want to work it out because he's the one that's saying this. I don't say anything. You know, I even told him yesterday, you know what? If it's not working out, do us both a favor. But, and he just right away was like, no, no, no. I think we can work this out. I just, you know, I have a lot of things going on right now.

58:27 Drew So we'll see. We'll see.

58:29 Caller My thing is, should, I mean, I don't want to get up that easily, but I mean, should I just let time pass by and see what's going on? And try to do it for you?

58:36 Drew What are the options? What app should be there? Well, sure, as a human being, but what options do you have? He's not calling you and that's that. What are you going to do? Fly over to wherever he is?

58:45 Adam Is it tough, row?

58:48 Drew Road. Road.

58:50 Adam Tough, road?

58:51 Drew A hoe.

58:52 Adam A hoe. Or is it tough, row, to hoe?

58:57 Drew No. I don't know what the hoe refers to, but it's a road.

59:00 Adam Well, I, you know, I-

59:01 Drew I think it basically means a head.

59:03 Adam A head. Now, that's what I thought it used to mean, but now I heard differently by the world's smartest man, too, by the way. Steve O'Donnell, head rider over Jimmy Kimmel.

59:14 Drew What did he say to this?

59:15 Adam It's tough row like a row of corn or wheat.

59:21 Drew To hoe?

59:21 Adam To hoe. It's a tough row to hoe. Chris, look that up, would you? What's going on with it? Are we still on the same call? Caller?

59:30 Caller Yeah.

59:31 Adam What's going on?

59:32 Caller So, I mean, yeah, I mean, he, he does call me. That's the thing, he just, I freaked out because he didn't call me this weekend and he told me he was going to come and see me. I haven't seen him in two weeks, but other than that, it's like everything's fine. When we go out, he's-

59:44 Drew Trish, you're 23. It's like talking to a 14-year-old. Come on.

59:49 Caller No, I mean, like-

59:50 Drew No, yes. What's going on here, kiddo?

59:52 Caller We have a great company and stuff, and like, he treats me really good. He treats me with a lot of respect.

59:57 Drew Whatever, that's fine, but start looking realistically at your relationship here.

1:00:01 Adam Just again, I know you're not a thesaurus, but invoke and evoke.

1:00:07 Drew Evoke is to bring out. Invoke is to sort of refer, to bring in.

1:00:16 Adam Bring someone's name into a conversation. Could I invoke a messiah or something?

1:00:22 Drew It's like invoking a code.

1:00:27 Adam But if we were talking about something and I invoked Moses' name, bring it into the conversation.

1:00:35 Drew Evoked would be like to bring out of something. You have to evoke something from Moses.

1:00:41 Adam Right.

1:00:41 Drew Like gas or...

1:00:42 Adam Right, I see.

1:00:45 Caller Caller?

1:00:47 Adam Okay, so are we cool or where are we at?

1:00:53 Caller I don't want to give... I mean, I feel like, I mean, I shouldn't waste my time, but on the other hand, like, you know, it's a new thing. Maybe I should just like see and see what happens. Let time pass by. I mean, if everything else is so good and he's on top of everything, he's honest and he knows that he needs to do something about it. He's doing something about it.

1:01:10 Drew What's he doing about it?

1:01:12 Caller I mean, he's not...

1:01:13 Drew What's he doing about it?

1:01:14 Caller Well, he's not...

1:01:16 Drew He's not doing anything about it. Trish, relax.

1:01:18 Caller He's not an alcoholic. I mean, he's trying to stop himself from getting to that point. But I told him...

1:01:23 Drew What's the difference? What's the difference between having a drinking problem and being an alcoholic?

1:01:27 Caller Because he's not drinking every day like he was before.

1:01:30 Drew Alcoholics don't drink every day.

1:01:33 Caller Well, you know what? He doesn't have friends.

1:01:36 Drew Whatever, Trish.

1:01:37 Adam Real quick. Again, I don't know what you guys are talking about.

1:01:40 Drew I know. Don't worry. You're not missing anything.

1:01:42 Adam I've seen it written. It's confusing me. I've always pronounced it Cumberbun. But I see it written and it looks like Cumberbun.

1:01:51 Drew I think that's correct.

1:01:52 Adam It's Cumberbun.

1:01:53 Drew There's no cum-bur.

1:01:54 Adam No Cumberbun. I think a lot of people say Cumberbun.

1:01:56 Drew I think you're right. I think you're right.

1:01:57 Adam Cumberbun.

1:01:58 Drew What else gives us the history of that one, Chris?

1:02:00 Adam Cumberbun.

1:02:01 Drew Cumberbun.

1:02:01 Adam Cumberbun. Cumberbun seems very gay. Very gay.

1:02:05 Drew So there's no B in it?

1:02:07 Adam No B, yeah. Yeah, you would say Cumberbun, but it's Cumberbun.

1:02:12 Drew Go check out what that means. There's a website that shows the sort of historical... Let's go into the call.

1:02:17 Adam We're done with the caller?

1:02:17 Drew I think so.

1:02:18 Adam Caller?

1:02:19 Drew Yeah.

1:02:20 Adam Okay, so we're cool or?

1:02:21 Caller Yeah, we're cool.

1:02:23 Adam Okay, you're satisfied?

1:02:24 Drew Yeah.

1:02:25 Adam Drew talked to you about stuff?

1:02:27 Drew She's not listening anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

1:02:30 Adam What'd you say?

1:02:30 Drew It doesn't matter.

1:02:31 Adam Okay. Caller?

1:02:33 Caller Yeah.

1:02:34 Adam All right. Semper Fi.

1:02:35 Caller Okay, thanks.

1:02:37 Adam Carry on.

1:02:37 Caller Okay, bye.

1:02:38 Adam All right. Well, I hope that went well. I've learned all kinds of things during that call.

1:02:44 Drew That was good, Tristan.

1:02:48 Caller Hey, how's it going, guys?

1:02:51 Caller Yep.

1:02:53 Adam What's up?

1:02:54 Caller Well, I don't know. I've been married for going on five years this year, and it just seems like every day gets a little bit worse in my marriage. You know, like we keep drifting farther and farther apart here recently. And I don't know, I guess I just needed some advice, you know, or just to make sure I'm not delusional here. Yeah, I just feel like I'm, you know, in a sense losing my wife because I turned on my digital camera the other day. She'd been taking pictures of herself, which she's not the type that likes to take pictures of herself. She came to stay in. When I pull out the camera and take pictures of the kids, she'll run off to another room.

1:03:33 Adam He thinks he's been sending. She's been sending these pictures over the Internet.

1:03:37 Caller You know, that's what she's been doing. Well, the other thing is, is that, you know, on the Internet, you know, you can always erase, you know, your history of what websites you've been to.

1:03:49 Adam I can't. My wife finds all the big and busty novelty sites.

1:03:53 Drew She does not.

1:03:55 Caller She has. But now she hasn't been. Uh-oh.

1:03:59 Adam You know, when they've been erasing stuff?

1:04:05 Caller And I even went through and I mean, I'm sure, you know, Dr. Drew, I understand what I'm talking about. I went through my, I checked my cookies and I, you know, it tells you all the websites you've been through because it, you know, it saves it onto your C drive. And she'd been to like tarot reading websites and just a bunch of other tarot readings. Yeah.

1:04:27 Adam All right. All right. Well, so is Drew's wife. Let's be, let's figure this out. The pictures, this is very telling. The picture, she obviously set the camera on the mantelpiece, put the timer on it or something, took a picture of herself that way, or just held it out in front of her?

1:04:43 Caller She just held it out in front of her. And the thing was is that I asked her about it.

1:04:47 Adam Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Was, how did she look? Was she dolled up at all?

1:04:52 Drew Was she provocative or anything?

1:04:53 Adam No, no. But was she wearing makeup? Was her hair done?

1:04:57 Drew No, no.

1:04:58 Caller She was just a normal headshot picture. Like an everyday, just an everyday round the house type picture.

1:05:06 Adam Now hold on. Let me talk to Drew for a second. It seems like if you're trying to pull something off this way, you at least put a little lipstick on.

1:05:14 Drew On the other hand, it just could be some pal on the web that she's been talking to. Yeah. And she's not trying to get in too deep.

1:05:20 Adam Because if a woman is, let's just hypothetically say, the woman has met the guy on the internet, and they're corresponding, and the guy said, I'd like to see a picture of you.

1:05:29 Drew She put it on.

1:05:31 Adam On comes the blush and the kissing potion, yes? I put that on for her to even come to the station, even if I don't have a guess.

1:05:37 Drew I noticed.

1:05:39 Adam My lips are very kissably soft. Heath? Yeah, absolutely.

1:05:42 Drew So you put that on your nipples till that time.

1:05:44 Adam So they're sensitive. Did she, so she didn't, you didn't catch anything from her that way? She didn't look like she was dolled up?

1:05:51 Caller No, not at all. And I asked her about it, you know, just out of curiosity. And she had said that her and our son was, you know, playing around with the camera taking pictures of each other. Well, you know, she doesn't, I don't think, know how to exactly erase everything, because obviously if that was the case, she would erase them. And our son is the type that would be the first one to say, take a picture of me, take a picture of me. And there was no pictures anywhere of him in anything.

1:06:18 Drew All right. What do you mean, what do you mean you feel like you're losing your wife? What was that all about?

1:06:22 Caller Well, I mean, I just, I feel like, you know, because, you know, here's the thing. For the past seven months, I've been working on my own. I started up my own small company. And, you know, for the first couple of months, every day I walk in the door, she'd be the first one to come and give me a hug, kiss me, ask me how my day was. And it just seems like every day, you know, she doesn't ask me, she just, you know, just doesn't even really talk to me when I first-

1:06:45 Drew She's burning out and she's sort of protecting herself. Why don't you make an effort to bring it back in? Take her out on Friday and Saturday night, spend a weekend away with her, put the kids with somebody else for a little while. You got to- Listen, relationships have to be cared for. She may be just dealing. That may be just her way of sort of honking down to get ready to keep dealing with you not being around.

1:07:05 Adam Drew looks at a relationship like a flower, like a rose plant.

1:07:10 Drew Absolutely. Orchid.

1:07:12 Adam I think it's more of a gavae cactus.

1:07:15 Caller Well, see, and here's the thing-

1:07:16 Adam Just leave it alone. Try to keep the birds off it.

1:07:18 Caller Well, see, here's the thing. I mean- A lot of things.

1:07:20 Adam Keep the squirrels away.

1:07:21 Caller I'm the first one that wants to go out on the weekends. I want to go to the movies. She doesn't want to do anything. She doesn't want to have a babysitter. She doesn't want to do that kind of thing. All right.

1:07:31 Adam Well, here's-

1:07:32 Caller All right.

1:07:33 Drew Are you guys having sex normally?

1:07:34 Caller No. I mean, it's very seldom anymore.

1:07:37 Adam All right. Heath, let me- As you know, I'm a genius. And by the way, I'm all rested up from the last call.

1:07:43 Caller I know you are. I know you are.

1:07:45 Adam Thank you. Now, did you guys meet early? Did you start dating in high school?

1:07:50 Caller No. We actually met about six and a half years ago, and then we got married about a year and a half after that.

1:07:57 Adam Okay. So you met when you were 18 or 19 or 19 or 20?

1:08:04 Caller I was 19. She was 23.

1:08:07 Adam A little bit older. Had she had any divorces or any prior history of leaving anyone at an altar, getting out of something?

1:08:19 Caller No. I mean, no. She was engaged once and then they broke it off.

1:08:24 Adam Did she break it off?

1:08:27 Caller I think it was more of a mutual thing. They just kind of fell away from each other. That was the thing. They both were just-

1:08:33 Adam All right, hold on.

1:08:34 Drew We get her family and stuff, get her history.

1:08:36 Adam Let me just say this, everybody. In terms of your relationships, and it's really in terms of everything, I mean, half, we've just brought this up last week, patterns. Most people I know who are now getting divorced, their parents got divorced about the same age. Stuff about the same age as your parents, as your father, as your mother, you just have these patterns. Well, why not? Why wouldn't you?

1:08:59 Drew You're human, yeah.

1:09:01 Adam And I know we're all individuals and we can all do whatever we want. There's way too many of us for God to ever let that happen. You know what I mean? Of course, there's just going to be certain predictable patterns. There has to be.

1:09:11 Drew Well, here's what would seal the deal on this one, if her mom had like four husbands or something.

1:09:16 Adam Right. As it is, if you want to know, put it this way. This is people and here's something interesting, I think. This is when people are younger. As they get older, they're able to calm down. A little of the gas is taken out of their effed up tank and they just don't have quite the charge on their batteries for the mayhem and the mischief and the repetition.

1:09:39 Drew But basically, if you want to know if somebody's in their 20s or even early 30s and you want to know how your relationship with them is going to turn out, just find out how the last one was.

1:09:47 Adam See how the last one was or the one before that. If you're hooked up with somebody who's cheating on their person, expect cheating. Expect cheating at some stage. Now, if their husband is 52 and they're 41 and something happens, you can get married to them and they'll just go out. If they're 20, 24, expect some cheating in the next few years.

1:10:07 Drew Basically, there's a shift about every two decades.

1:10:10 Adam Right.

1:10:11 Drew So, what's her family of origin situation?

1:10:14 Caller Well, her mother has only been married once and since then has found a new boyfriend, fiance, whatever. Her father has been married like three or four different times.

1:10:25 Drew Oh, it's bad, but it's not good.

1:10:28 Adam It's not good. It's not great. And she was engaged once already.

1:10:33 Caller Yeah, she was engaged and she had a son with him and then they ended up breaking it off.

1:10:37 Drew Oh, boy.

1:10:38 Adam And she was engaged and then broke it off. And how soon after met you?

1:10:45 Caller Well, I mean, it was probably close to two weeks. No, it was about a year after they broke it off because her son was about a year old when we first met.

1:10:57 Drew He broke it off while she was pregnant?

1:11:00 Caller No, no, they just gave birth. Well, whenever she had their son, they were splitting up then and then she moved back in with her mom about, I think it was like a month or two after he was born.

1:11:14 Adam And you guys have a few kids?

1:11:18 Caller Well, we have one together now, so we have two total.

1:11:22 Adam I think you need to have a serious sit down with the old lady and say, look, I feel things coming undone, coming unglued here.

1:11:32 Drew I want to try to make it work.

1:11:33 Adam Let's nip this, the part where it's coming unglued in the bud here.

1:11:37 Drew Do not want to be like dad. Do not want to make the mistakes he made. Do not want to put our daughter through what you went through with your dad.

1:11:45 Adam You got one kid with one guy who's not on the scene anymore. Do you want the next kid with another guy who's not going to be on the scene anymore? Let's try to focus. Let's rally around the kid. Let's get a little help.

1:11:57 Drew Some couples work here.

1:11:58 Adam There we go.

1:11:59 Drew If she really won't cooperate, get some professional help. Seriously, you've got to owe your kids this.

1:12:03 Adam We'll take ourselves a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:12:08 Caller If you need help, hang up and then dive, dive.

1:12:15 Caller Loveline will be right back. Loveline is awesome.

1:12:30 Adam Yeah, Loveline. I'll tell you what, right now, I'll tell you what, right now, Angie is coming in here from The Apprentice tomorrow night. She's the chick who runs the gym with the multiple colored hair, and she's an old friend of mine that I forgot was an old friend of mine, and she's coming in here.

1:12:50 Drew And then next Tuesday, oh, Monday. Oh, I live for Monday.

1:12:53 Adam Seth MacFarlane is coming in along with Alex Borstein. Sex, sex. Seth does, try to say Seth and Alex at the same time, just comes out sex. Seth does just about every voice on that show and the ones he doesn't do, Alex Borstein does. And Alex Borstein, an old friend of mine.

1:13:12 Drew Alex, you know, there have been these MadTV replays, have been going constantly on Comedy Central. My kids picked up on this, and so we have Comedy Central going all the time with the MadTV in our house. I've seen more of Alex in the last like three months than I've ever imagined.

1:13:27 Adam Yeah.

1:13:27 Drew And she is very, there's some interesting stuff.

1:13:29 Adam She's a very, very funny person. She is a person I have known for coming on 15 years, I would say. I knew her from the old ACME theater days. And her husband is old friend of mine.

1:13:42 Drew Did she do some of the same characters back in the ACME days that she did on MadTV?

1:13:46 Adam No.

1:13:46 Drew It was all invented for television. Interesting.

1:13:49 Adam Yeah. And I was a couple of years ahead of her and I never, you know, I don't support the arts in any way. I never went to the other show.

1:13:55 Drew And you know I don't appreciate anybody else's performances. Yeah, I know.

1:13:58 Adam Who?

1:13:59 Drew I know how it is for you.

1:14:00 Adam Who?

1:14:00 Drew It's tough.

1:14:01 Adam Okay. Let's keep moving.

1:14:02 Caller Yeah.

1:14:04 Adam Michelle?

1:14:04 Drew Intra and inter.

1:14:06 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:14:06 Adam Tough one. Michelle 24.

1:14:09 Caller Yes, I am.

1:14:10 Adam What's up?

1:14:11 Caller Well, I've been married for about five years.

1:14:14 Caller We've been together since high school. I've got four kids.

1:14:18 Caller And I have this really high sex drive. Like I want sex every day. And he's like, well, you know, every other week or, you know, and the more I want it, the less I get it. Like if I, you know, I can come home from work and, you know, do the really good BJ, trying to wake him up, and he just like, will be like, oh, thanks, and roll over.

1:14:40 Adam Hold on, hold on, hold on a second. He, you come home from work and try to wake him up, the BJ?

1:14:47 Drew What's he doing home asleep while you're at work?

1:14:50 Caller Does that work night? And he goes to school in the morning.

1:14:53 Drew What's he studying?

1:14:55 Caller Um, he's going to be a mechanic.

1:14:56 Adam Faggotry. He, uh, he's gotta be a mechanic. Right.

1:15:00 Caller Well, I'm a technician.

1:15:02 Adam I see. And, uh, and you come home at, uh, what time?

1:15:07 Drew Just mechanics. I mean, mechanics aren't called mechanics anymore.

1:15:10 Adam Yeah, I know.

1:15:11 Caller Like 30 minutes ago. So I get home by 11.

1:15:14 Drew So the kids are asleep.

1:15:15 Adam Hold on, you.

1:15:16 Caller The kids are sleeping.

1:15:17 Adam Hold on.

1:15:17 Drew Short evenings.

1:15:19 Adam I know, but you get home and you wake him up with a BJ.

1:15:21 Drew Cause he's asleep. Cause he gets up in the morning and goes to school.

1:15:24 Adam Right.

1:15:24 Drew So he goes to bed at 10.

1:15:26 Adam Oh, oh, oh, you wake him up.

1:15:27 Drew Yeah.

1:15:28 Adam You wake him up. You wake him up with a B. When I hear wake up with a BJ, I think I like wake up with, you know, a pancakes or coffee. But I don't think just wake up after you went to bed 10 minutes ago.

1:15:39 Drew Wake him up actually with a BJ.

1:15:41 Adam I see.

1:15:41 Drew I suppose to with squirting water in his face.

1:15:44 Adam Nice. My roommates would have tried that.

1:15:47 Caller Like a roll over.

1:15:48 Caller And I'm like, are you kidding me?

1:15:51 Drew This just happened?

1:15:52 Caller Well, not just now, but last night.

1:15:55 Adam Well, here's, okay, let me, let me, let me say this. Two things. Guys are intimidated by women's sexuality a little bit sometimes.

1:16:06 Drew And what sometimes, strangely the low sex drive guy more than anybody.

1:16:09 Adam Yeah. If a, if, if a guy's metronome is set to once a week sexually and a woman starts pushing, now it's once a month. Yeah. And they, they, but I think what they do is they do, I think it's a natural thing that almost anyone does with almost anything that they have feelings about. It becomes bigger than what it is. Right. And they're, and then at a certain point, just try to, it's like the, the dentist can be so intimidating that you don't never get a cleaning. Like it just becomes bigger than what it is. It's that way with, I'd say most things in life where you just do it, you enjoy it and it's no big thing. He's up in his head and he's freaked out and you're coming at him. He just needs to correct this by erectus.

1:16:57 Drew Focusing. Correct this by erectus.

1:17:00 Adam Correct this, correct this with erectus.

1:17:04 Drew Is he on any medication?

1:17:06 Caller No, but he smokes a lot of pot.

1:17:09 Drew Oh, he smokes a lot of pot.

1:17:10 Adam Right, a lot.

1:17:12 Drew Yeah, so there you go.

1:17:14 Caller He was like 12.

1:17:15 Drew Well, here's the thing about pot smokers.

1:17:17 Adam Since he was 12.

1:17:17 Drew Marijuana addicts, the marijuana is more important than anything. And so the marijuana, really all the stimulation and sort of interaction that one would normally get from sex, he gets from pot. And that's his love. That's who he's connected to. And that's why he doesn't work so well. Because the marijuana just takes all that away. But he's perfectly satisfied with him and his pot. And you're getting away with him and his pot. Listen, I deal with addiction all the time. I know addicts.

1:17:43 Adam And this is really fun.

1:17:45 Drew You're sort of bumming his high. He's happily connected to his pot. Occasionally, he'll come around to her.

1:17:51 Caller I can usually smoke with him just to be with him.

1:17:55 Adam No, I understand.

1:17:56 Drew People do that. That's called codependency.

1:17:57 Adam Shared interest, I call it. Yeah. Here's the thing. No, I agree with Drew and put a finer point on it, which is pot just sort of smooths out all life's rough edges and you go sort of dormant. A lot of guys, especially guys who've been smoking since 12. I mean, he's got a good...

1:18:17 Drew It changes his brain very severely.

1:18:19 Adam Coming on 15 years of weed smoking for him. How old is he now?

1:18:24 Caller 24.

1:18:25 Adam Oh, okay. We'll make it 12, but the point is...

1:18:28 Drew Half his life.

1:18:28 Adam Half his life smoking weed. He's just content to be left alone and he's up in his head a little bit and high and so when you start pushing on him, you just want to retreat. I mean, I just got high last weekend, I think.

1:18:41 Drew Listen, Michelle, it's kind of a tough situation. He's going to need treatment for this. This is not a good situation. He's going to eventually become very, very depressed, have trouble functioning. Maybe not yet, but when it really comes down, he is not going to be able to stop on his own. In fact, stopping on his own can be kind of dangerous with this drug. It's the addiction is defined by the consequences. Relationships, work or school, finance, health or legal, and he's having a relationship problem because of his drug use. That's addiction.

1:19:07 Adam Pot just sort of, when it comes down to it, Pot is sort of like, well, if you got a choice to make, let's choose the nothing box. You know what I mean?

1:19:17 Drew Yeah.

1:19:17 Adam I mean, even stuff you enjoy sometimes, like mountain bike riding, you wouldn't get stoned. It's like, man, it's real.

1:19:25 Drew You're going to tell us about your high experience last week?

1:19:29 Adam I got stoned.

1:19:30 Drew What happened?

1:19:31 Adam Decided to do nothing. Well, first I had to eat, but I hadn't gotten stoned in a long time. It hadn't been a long time.

1:19:39 Drew So you and Donnie got together?

1:19:42 Adam Wasn't Donnie.

1:19:43 Caller Oh, oh, oh, what?

1:19:44 Adam What other people, you know?

1:19:47 Drew Oh, I know.

1:19:48 Adam I can't mention their names. I know.

1:19:49 Drew But we were all in a way together.

1:19:51 Adam Anyway, everyone's a bad influence on me. Point is, I got it. It was everybody else's parents that came to your parents and says, oh, yeah, yeah, I got I got baked and, you know, we had to get a little something to eat. And then there was time to do nothing. I just couldn't this couldn't motivate. I watched the hell out of that TiVo though. Made love to the TiVo. Shorted it out with semen. Fire started coming out.

1:20:19 Drew Actually, but you were able to produce semen.

1:20:21 Adam Hump the TiVo guy.

1:20:22 Drew That's something.

1:20:23 Adam Yeah, only for TiVo. I couldn't have done it in the presence of a woman.

1:20:26 Drew Of course.

1:20:27 Adam I raped the TiVo guy.

1:20:28 Drew The little jelly TV guy.

1:20:30 Adam There were jelly TV guys. Actually attacked him with my penis.

1:20:33 Drew I have no doubt.

1:20:34 Adam So I, listen, I use sex as a weapon.

1:20:37 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:20:38 Adam Yeah.

1:20:38 Drew Yeah.

1:20:39 Adam Noon chucks.

1:20:42 Caller Are you ready to rock?

1:20:43 Adam That's my weapon. I use sex as. Alexis?

1:20:48 Drew Oh, wait, good.

1:20:49 Adam Yeah. 17?

1:20:51 Caller Yeah.

1:20:51 Adam Oh, been on hold for 103 minutes.

1:20:54 Caller Yeah. What's up? Okay. So about two months ago, friends and I took what we thought was ecstasy. It turned out to be a mess. And.

1:21:07 Caller How do you know?

1:21:08 Caller How do I know? Because the next time I took what I thought was going to be ecstasy, my friend told me it was a mess and it looked the same as when I took it the time before that. It was crystaly and wasn't in a pill form. We did it in another way.

1:21:26 Caller Yeah.

1:21:26 Adam All right. Well, go ahead.

1:21:28 Caller Okay. So we didn't eat or sleep for about 30 hours. I lost like six pounds in that time. And the next day I fainted twice and I was wondering what kind of brain damage I could have gotten from.

1:21:44 Adam Unless you hit your head on the coffee table on your way down.

1:21:47 Drew Fainting is either a rhythm disturbance, either a rhythm disturbance, which is not likely to be, or you just didn't drink either. You didn't have your fluids during that time. A six pound weight loss is mostly a fluid loss. So you were what you call volume depleted and when you stand up you have no blood pressure and you faint. Now in terms of what the amphetamine can do to you, usually not a single exposure is gonna hurt you. It has to be something you do regularly for a couple months. It will damage the mood centers of the brain. So you'll get depression, panic and anxiety and some oftentimes memory disturbances. Those are the typical injuries of amphetamine.

1:22:20 Caller Okay, so there's no damage just from pain payment?

1:22:23 Drew Probably not, not a single exposure.

1:22:25 Adam Take it easy, lightweight. Drugs aren't for you.

1:22:27 Caller Uh huh, yeah.

1:22:28 Adam Stop monkeying. You should have a wine cooler or something.

1:22:31 Drew Seventeen. I want to hear the Insane Clown Posse tell us a joke. I haven't heard that in a long time.

1:22:36 Adam Alright baby, take care of yourself. You learned a lesson. But treat it as a lesson, alright?

1:22:41 Caller Yeah, I am.

1:22:42 Adam Alright, alright, alright. Don't have sex. We're going to hear who? Violent J?

1:22:48 Drew Violent J, telling us about his, what was he talking about?

1:22:51 Adam He's real, I ask humor.

1:22:53 Caller My big fat ass every day when I wake up. That was pretty good. My fat ass. Oh my God.

1:23:01 Caller Hey, play that again.

1:23:03 Caller Pump the hell out of her butthole, man.

1:23:04 Caller You can caress the balls.

1:23:07 Caller You can gently pet them.

1:23:08 Caller You can stroke them.

1:23:10 Caller You can juggle them from side to side to side to side. But don't punch the balls.

1:23:15 Drew I prefer the maniacal laughter.

1:23:17 Adam I like don't punch the balls either.

1:23:19 Caller The only way I lift is my own, my big fat ass every day when I wake up. That was pretty good. Ha ha ha ha ha.

1:23:26 Caller My fat ass.

1:23:28 Caller Oh my God. Hey, play that again.

1:23:31 Adam Don't, don't. Don't punch the balls sounds like a horrible board game.

1:23:36 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:23:36 Adam Milton Bradley presents Don't Punch The Balls.

1:23:40 Drew Yes.

1:23:41 Adam Big Harry Shkrodum hanging on.

1:23:43 Caller Remember that game, Don't Tip The Waiter?

1:23:46 Drew No.

1:23:47 Adam It was great.

1:23:48 Drew Don't Break The Ice.

1:23:49 Adam Don't Break The Ice and Don't Spill The Beans.

1:23:51 Caller Don't Tip The Waiter was this like seesaw waiter guy.

1:23:54 Caller And you had to put all these different pieces on top of his platter.

1:23:57 Caller And then if he tipped, whoever made him tip, kind of like Jenga.

1:24:01 Drew It's weird because after our time, we had Don't Spill The Beans, Don't Break The Ice.

1:24:06 Adam Yes. And again, I was very familiar with all those games from not only seeing the commercials of them on television, but seeing them over at my friend's house.

1:24:14 Drew Not at your house?

1:24:15 Adam No, no. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Yeah, everybody. I'll tell you, we have no choice what to get it on.

1:24:48 Drew Here we go.

1:24:49 Adam Yeah.

1:24:50 Drew Yeah.

1:24:50 Adam Chris, we gonna get it on?

1:24:52 Drew Let's get it on, dude.

1:24:53 Adam Hypothetical, seriously. You hear your mom, you hear those heavy footsteps coming down the hall.

1:24:59 Drew You're riding a dildo.

1:25:01 Adam No, no.

1:25:01 Drew Oh, no.

1:25:02 Adam No. Your lady has a strap on. She catches you.

1:25:07 Drew Your mom.

1:25:08 Adam Mom catches you. Are you performing oral on the strap on that your girl was wearing?

1:25:12 Drew He established this one two hours ago.

1:25:13 Adam He never answered. Or is she sodomizing you with it?

1:25:18 Drew I'm not going to even go there.

1:25:20 Adam It's too late. We're there.

1:25:21 Drew You have to pick one.

1:25:22 Adam You have to pick one. Mom has to see one.

1:25:25 Drew What do you want her to say? What are the twices again? You're giving oral to a dildo.

1:25:29 Adam Or your girlfriend. Well, no, it's a strap on.

1:25:31 Drew Or your girlfriend is using a strap on on you. I guess using a strap on is a requirement.

1:25:38 Adam Come on, buddy.

1:25:40 Drew Anderson, relax.

1:25:40 Adam That's what he likes. He's into that. You hear him bragging about it? Wow.

1:25:48 Drew That was a zestful response.

1:25:49 Adam Hold on, there's a little something I call TMI, too much information. You know what I'm saying?

1:25:54 Drew Exactly.

1:25:55 Adam Yeah, you have thoughts, keep them to yourself, huh? Wow.

1:25:59 Drew Gross me out a little bit, freaked me out a little bit.

1:26:01 Adam True, I just think there's a little boundary issue with Chris.

1:26:04 Drew Yeah, shh, shh, shh, she's listening. Here we go, here we go.

1:26:08 Adam Lisa, 31. It's really, I'm going to write this down. I got to bring this in tomorrow to the writers over at Kimmel. Because it is the ultimate question. Both profoundly disturbing.

1:26:24 Drew You must, however, set the stage by discussing the guy that laid there being done in the female dependent position.

1:26:31 Adam Yeah, we had that.

1:26:32 Drew And then the writing that you did about an hour and a half ago.

1:26:36 Adam Who are we on?

1:26:36 Drew Lisa.

1:26:37 Adam Lisa? 31.

1:26:40 Caller Yes.

1:26:41 Adam What's up?

1:26:42 Caller I'm considering getting into the world of high class escort.

1:26:48 Drew Why? How? What's the deal?

1:26:51 Caller It seems lucrative, enjoyable.

1:26:55 Drew Enjoyable?

1:26:57 Caller Yeah, if you screen the right people. It seems like, I mean, I don't know. That's why I'm calling.

1:27:03 Adam It seems enjoyable to have sex with strangers if they're decent guys.

1:27:08 Caller They're only strangers for a little while.

1:27:10 Drew What does that mean?

1:27:12 Caller Like, you talk to these people and you get to know them initially. And I'm not talking about like long relationships, but you kind of...

1:27:20 Drew What is your relationship history?

1:27:21 Adam Before you get into her troubled past, what is the pay for something like this?

1:27:28 Caller It seems to range from people I've talked to. It goes anywhere from like, say, 700 to like $2,000. I'm not talking about like on the street corner.

1:27:37 Adam No, no, I know. You work with a service.

1:27:39 Caller No, I don't even work with a service.

1:27:41 Drew You're by yourself.

1:27:42 Caller Yeah.

1:27:42 Adam How do you do that? How do you advertise?

1:27:45 Caller I'm not going to get into that. There's tons of ways, like on the Internet now.

1:27:49 Drew Website, yeah.

1:27:50 Caller Escort.

1:27:51 Adam I don't need a flyer, honey.

1:27:52 Caller There's always disclaimers now.

1:27:54 Drew Aren't you afraid that a cop's going to show up?

1:27:56 Caller You know, yeah. And I've asked people about that. And that's not my issue. That's not what I'm calling about. But there are ways that they protect themselves. So that's not my main issue. My main issue is like, I'm thinking, OK, yeah, my troubled past is pretty troubled. So I think at this point, is it lucrative to go into this field and make the best of it or?

1:28:20 Drew Well, make the best of your troubled past.

1:28:22 Adam You're going to be morally bankrupt. You may have some money in your coffers.

1:28:26 Drew You'll end up reenacting these traumas.

1:28:28 Caller It's legal in some countries.

1:28:30 Drew Lisa.

1:28:30 Adam Oh, are you nutty?

1:28:32 Drew Yeah, you'll end up reenacting these traumas and really setting them in stone.

1:28:37 Caller OK.

1:28:38 Drew You will, whatever person.

1:28:40 Caller I'm 31.

1:28:42 Drew Yeah, the reality is, though, with people.

1:28:43 Caller I'm not real hopeful.

1:28:45 Drew Yeah, I understand. But people with things like borderline personality disorder, which I think is what you've got here, tend to actually get better in their fourth or fifth decade of life. They don't necessarily get worse. The way to deal with that is to settle down and have a relationship.

1:28:58 Adam My life didn't start till I was 31. Really. You can do whatever you want at 31. Not if you're looking at yourself as nothing more than a female who's getting long in the tooth because you're in your thirties. But if you look at yourself as a human being who might have something to offer, yourself and another person outside of your sexuality.

1:29:20 Caller Oh, no. I mean, I do think that. I mean, I'm educated. I don't think that I'm.

1:29:25 Drew Yeah, but the guys will be hiring you only for your sexuality.

1:29:29 Caller That's fine. That money will fund my lifestyle.

1:29:35 Drew What?

1:29:36 Caller That money will fund my lifestyle.

1:29:38 Drew Once again, you seem to miss the whole human part of all this.

1:29:40 Adam What lifestyle do you have?

1:29:42 Caller No. Oh, no, I don't do drugs or anything like that. That's what you mean. No, I just mean the freedom to be able to do whatever I'd like to do.

1:29:49 Adam All right. Well, look, here's the thing, Lisa. You're calling, you're asking our advice. We're telling you our opinion, not because we're religious and not because we're uptight sexually or anything like that. We happen to know that it doesn't work out the way you imagine it. Emotionally for you. You will go in deeper. You will get, there'll be more shame. Something called the shame spiral is what engineer Chris went through when his mom caught him.

1:30:16 Drew That's what he's anticipating.

1:30:16 Adam On the business end of the strap-on.

1:30:18 Drew But that's in fact what happens. Then more pathology and more dysfunctional relationships. Then you get into the drugs and alcohol going.

1:30:24 Adam Here's the thing, everybody.

1:30:27 Drew Where will you be? Let's think about it this way. Where are you going to be at 48? Where are you going to be? You're still going to be doing this? No. You're going to be upfunding a lifestyle? You got to be family, friends? Any people that care about you as a human?

1:30:38 Adam But we're not making moral or value judgments here. We're just saying what works and what doesn't work. It's the same conversation we have when people say we're married, we have three kids, we want to swing.

1:30:49 Drew Yeah, doesn't work.

1:30:50 Adam It doesn't work. We're saying it's going to tear the family apart. It's we're not saying it because we're religious or we're uptight. If it worked, we'd be doing it. Oh, Drew, we'd be getting together this weekend. You know what I'm saying? Bring the strap on, bring the ladies, I'll bring the wine cooler.

1:31:05 Drew Yeah, if these things work.

1:31:06 Adam If these things work.

1:31:07 Drew They don't work.

1:31:08 Adam They don't work. And we're just telling you the prostitution thing just doesn't really work. Just doesn't. All right, you make some money, it works that way. You fund your lifestyle. Lisa, you got to ramp. You got to just drop your ramp.

1:31:22 Drew And by the way, well, she's BS, she BS herself. But by the way, it's a threshold that once you go through, there ain't no coming back from either.

1:31:28 Adam Yeah. Let me tell you, by the way, she was talking about cops and vice and all that kind of stuff.

1:31:35 Drew You haven't discussed that one a long time.

1:31:37 Adam Well, my wife and a few of her friends started up this club, this, I shouldn't say this club, but they started up this...

1:31:45 Drew Salon.

1:31:46 Adam Salon, where there's, they give massages.

1:31:49 Drew What's the name of the salon?

1:31:50 Adam Cuticle Pushes, and it's called Lush Spa.

1:31:53 Drew Where is it?

1:31:53 Adam I don't worry about it.

1:31:55 Drew Come on.

1:31:55 Adam It's in Studio City. Here's the point, they do this, they have everything, manicures, pedicures, whatever. Vice Squad came in, they busted them, they got questions. And they're diligent about it. I mean, they want to know. And they don't just take in, poke around or whatever. There's paperwork to fill out, whatever, because anything involving massage could be vice. But here's the whole thing about this city, not enough cops. Not enough cops, unless you want to open a salon.

1:32:29 Drew Yeah. Then there's a couple of housewives open a salon.

1:32:31 Adam A couple of housewives open a salon. Or, God forbid, you're driving with no front license plate.

1:32:36 Drew Oh, plenty of cops for that.

1:32:37 Adam Plenty of cops. Plenty of cops for the chicken ass. Yes?

1:32:42 Drew Yes.

1:32:43 Adam Not so many when it comes down to checking the containers that are coming in off the container ships and NBC's bringing the spent uranium through downtown on a flatbed truck. We don't have enough guys to check into that. Not enough guys when you get your house robbed and you need a cop to come by. That's a nine hour window there. Always short on those guys. Tons of guys for the, let's suppose, as Asian businessmen get ourselves a BJ and bust tidy flies. Tons of those cops. Tons of the chicken ass traffic violation cops. Tons of them. Not so many, not so many in the stuff we give a rat's ass about. That stuff, a little bit light in that department. We should work on, maybe we do have enough cops, maybe we just have like a few too many of them doing the chicken ass, and not enough doing the stuff that we want them to do. Yes?

1:33:31 Drew Yes.

1:33:32 Adam All right, let's take a break. We'll be back. We'll take ourselves a little break. Angie from The Apprentice, our favorite show, and one of the few shows that Dr. Drew watches.

1:34:14 Drew A few reality shows, yes. I do not like reality shows.

1:34:17 Adam I like them quite a bit, and Drew enjoys this one, so he'll have plenty of questions for Angie, whose name he'll screw up tomorrow, but there's a little recognizer, she's one of the people from the show he loves. We'll take a little extended break, and until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew's Sayin, Mahalo.

1:34:35 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:34:39 Adam The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, April 19, 2005