Episode 1000703962706

0:58 Voiceover Love Line is meant for an adult audience. Love Line may contain sexually oriented content.

1:05 Voiceover with sexually oriented content.

1:09 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:14 This is Love Line.

1:18 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:21 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline.

1:23 Adam I'm Adam.

1:24 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LLV-E-191. Dr. Drew's a board-certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. And tonight, it gives me great pleasure to welcome back to the Loveline studio, none other than DAG, my main man, David Alan Grier!

1:43 David Alan Grier Adam, Adam, can you hear me? I'm at the front gate. I've been buzzing for half an hour.

1:49 Adam Yeah.

1:50 David Alan Grier No one will let me in.

1:51 Adam I got caught behind David.

1:53 Drew I see you guys there, the lights on. Never happened in the studio.

1:57 David Alan Grier It's me, I'm a guest. I'm a guest on the show. Can you buzz me in?

2:02 Adam Yeah. Now, let me tell you, when they see a brother pull up, the guy on the roof in the parapet, the sniper guy, no, the hat goes backwards. Doesn't start shooting, just the hat turns around.

2:11 David Alan Grier And what's he say?

2:12 Adam Just 180.

2:13 David Alan Grier We're going to need you to get your hands on the wheel there.

2:17 Adam We got a situation here.

2:18 David Alan Grier We're going to...

2:19 Adam DAG did break down and get some rims for his SUV.

2:21 David Alan Grier No, we did. I got some doo-doos, baby. That's two and two.

2:26 Adam Here's the problem, he bought this SUV and he kept it bone stock for like three years and it was getting his ass kicked by the black community. Oh, black community, yeah. White guys don't have the way of us to bring it up, but the black guys are like, where's your rim?

2:40 David Alan Grier So this is a security guard at Fox.

2:42 David Alan Grier You're driving on them 10s, man.

2:46 David Alan Grier Meanwhile, he drives up on a moped, you know, he's like, you got them 10s. Man, you need you some 24s, 38s, 95s.

2:55 Adam There is, David, tell me, be honest, is there a certain amount of pressure being black, being at a certain age, being in Hollywood? Like, Drew gets an SUV, he gets it in beige, he doesn't have to touch it. He does not have that. You get an SUV, you got to put rims on it.

3:12 David Alan Grier Absolutely. Well, Drew, Drew goes like this, what's it come with?

3:16 Adam Yeah.

3:17 David Alan Grier It's fine with me.

3:18 Adam Drew actually got a BMW X5 that came with some cool rims on it.

3:25 David Alan Grier Took them off.

3:25 Adam Took them off.

3:26 David Alan Grier Right. I'd like something, a wheel rim combo in an avocado.

3:32 Adam Do you have something in a shopping cart wheel?

3:36 David Alan Grier I want those itty bitty, itty meys. Newsflash, Frankie Munoz won the Toyota Grand Prix.

3:44 Drew No kidding.

3:45 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

3:47 Adam Did you drive in it this year?

3:48 David Alan Grier No, I'm on the bikes, man.

3:52 Drew When I, when I was, he was sitting next to me on an airplane last week. The entire way, either sleeping and during which there's all sorts of funny things happening and or reading motorcycle magazines.

4:03 Adam He loves motorcycles.

4:05 David Alan Grier And I couldn't dope up like I usually do because Big Brother was watching me.

4:08 Adam The man was there.

4:09 David Alan Grier So I'm in the bathroom snorting my stuff, you know, popping valves, doing all sorts of zanies.

4:15 Adam No, I know because you start choking on your own vomit and he starts judging. He performs a heimlich, but the first thing he does is judge.

4:21 David Alan Grier Well, first of all, Dr. Drew never stopped working. He's like, David, we got to sit together because I really want to talk to you. I want to go five milligrams. Yeah. And so I can't wait.

4:33 Adam We sit in there punching a Scantron sheets all the way to LA.

4:39 David Alan Grier Do you have to work so loud?

4:41 Drew I didn't realize you were awake.

4:45 Adam David Alan Grier, by the way, is going to be the Ontario improv. This what's that? What is it? Thursday? What's the 21st? Thursday, the 21st, all the way through Sunday in Sunday.

4:58 David Alan Grier And yes, you really haven't played California till you played Brea.

5:02 Adam No, no, I know. It's where all the greats.

5:05 Drew This is Ontario, though.

5:06 David Alan Grier Absolutely. You know what Brea is famous for? Fender guitars, baby.

5:11 Adam Oh, really?

5:12 David Alan Grier Absolutely.

5:12 Adam Where they come from, huh?

5:13 David Alan Grier Absolutely. And you want to talk right into the mic. You want to talk right like this. Right in the mic. Let's take a caller.

5:20 Adam Okay, we'll take 12. DAG is going to be out there Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, the Brea, or I should say Ontario improv.

5:27 David Alan Grier Ba-Bass.

5:28 David Alan Grier Guys, let's pump the brakes here. Hands in the middle. Come on, hands in the middle. These are the rules.

5:32 David Alan Grier We're going to take some calls, right?

5:39 Adam All right, all right, all right. So I was driving over the weekend.

5:43 David Alan Grier Yeah, okay, all right.

5:45 David Alan Grier Hey, you're going to do some motorcycle stuff, right?

5:47 Adam I'm doing motorcycle stuff with DAG. And let me say this about DAG and the bikes. There's bikes and then there's bikes. There's these jackoffs who ride around in these big hogs with no suspension on them. They're sitting, they're like reclined. It's like they're driving a lazy boy down the street. They got the monkey hanger bars on there. It's they make they got open pipes. It's just flames everywhere. It's just, hey, look at me. I'm a jackal saddle. And so everyone look at me. I have this bike that gets less. By the way, the bike gets 18 miles a gallon. Wow. The thing's louder than hell. It doesn't handle. It's like, handles like a trash dumpster. It's just an obnoxious piece of ass that everyone, it's just really, hey, look at me. Hey, look at me. Hey, look at me. DAG doesn't monkey with that. DAG gets the Cafe Racers, puts the helmet on. People don't know who he is.

6:40 David Alan Grier Absolutely.

6:40 Adam They got no idea. And then when he whips the helmet off and shakes his head around, it's like, Shaka, daka, boom. He, it's the difference between driving around a Ferrari and driving around just some big monster truck with huge wheels on it, suspension lift.

6:59 David Alan Grier Or it's the difference between being a doctor who cares and a doctor who rides around with the little MD license plate bracket. Mm-hmm, I wish I had one of those. And the beeper.

7:11 Adam Yeah.

7:12 David Alan Grier With little cross on it.

7:14 Adam Yeah, Laurie.

7:15 David Alan Grier Yeah, Laurie.

7:16 Adam Hi. Twenty-one. Yes. What's up? You're up with DAG. And by the way, Bewitched, one of DAG's newest joints coming out.

7:24 David Alan Grier And the Muppet Movie.

7:26 Adam Oh, and the Muppet Movie.

7:27 David Alan Grier Going to be premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival, which only makes you ask what the hell is going on with that festival.

7:33 Adam It does make you wonder.

7:33 David Alan Grier Well, that means they had a meeting. They said, OK, it's set. I got some exciting news. Get Bob in here. Well, do I have a treat for you? We're going to screen the Muppet Movie. Well, are you talking to me?

7:43 Adam It is an art form.

7:44 Drew What do you play at BeWish?

7:46 David Alan Grier The black guy.

7:50 David Alan Grier Larry T. Anyway, who are you?

7:53 Adam Yeah, who are you?

7:54 David Alan Grier I play Jim. What's his last name?

7:56 Drew Something who had made a good Benny Moon box or Dr. Bombay.

8:00 Adam Dr. Bombay.

8:00 David Alan Grier No, no, I didn't really watch the series that much to know all those guys. But I knew it kind of anyway. It's a film within a film. They show them filming the series. I am the director of the television series directing people, bad obnoxious TV.

8:16 Adam Got a little life with Bonnie Parton.

8:18 Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

8:19 Adam All right. Laurie.

8:21 Hi.

8:21 Adam 21. What's up?

8:23 Hi. Can I just say first that you guys have the best love show in the world, like other than these other A-holes that are on TV and like all of the crap that they have. And yeah, I don't, David, this is an honor to be speaking.

8:38 David Alan Grier It's an honor for you to be on the show.

8:40 Oh my gosh, you're hilarious. And Adam, you're a god and you're freaking intelligent. So I love it.

8:46 David Alan Grier Let's review for a minute. I'm hilarious. I'm hilarious.

8:49 Drew Hilarious, god.

8:50 David Alan Grier Which is great, you know? Yeah, Adam's a god.

8:53 Drew You and I are just S out of luck.

8:55 David Alan Grier Yeah, well, I'm a little higher on the food chain than you.

8:57 Drew I know, I'm just saying.

8:58 David Alan Grier Let's not get that confused, okay?

9:00 David Alan Grier Let's go back to the caller, shall we?

9:01 Drew All right. Laurie?

9:03 Hey, I'm sorry. Yeah, okay, so when I was about 16 to about 19, I dated one of my best guy friends and when we were about 18, we started having sex and then we just broke up when we were both 19.

9:26 Adam David's getting bored. You got to get some sex talk in.

9:29 Drew He has sleep after too.

9:30 Adam He hasn't.

9:32 Drew No, wait a second, Laurie. Hold on a second. David sleeps after me. When he sleeps on a plane, first he can sleep on his back. He can sleep on his back. Hell of a second, Laurie. As opposed to making noise, out of playing what he does, goes through sort of scenes from Shakespeare.

9:46 Adam Oh, really? Oh, really? He's acting.

9:48 Adam He's always an actor. Absolutely.

9:50 David Alan Grier I was so nervous that I was going to do my...

9:55 Drew I couldn't hear anything. I was too busy working.

9:59 David Alan Grier I just had a dream. Someone's choking me. Oh, jeez. I was under water. And this guy put his fist in my mouth.

10:14 Adam Hey, David, I got just a quick request. What would it sound like?

10:18 David Alan Grier We're going to get to it.

10:19 Adam I just want to know if you were having a spirited lovemaking session and then when you finished, the sleep apnea kicked in.

10:27 David Alan Grier Well, first it has to start with an argument. Oh, you're not even listening.

10:31 David Alan Grier Do you hear me?

10:32 David Alan Grier Huh?

10:32 David Alan Grier Look at me.

10:33 David Alan Grier No. What? Huh?

10:35 David Alan Grier What? Oh, my God. And that's how I wake up, thank you. Yeah, let's save these babies. Laurie, Cindy, whatever your name is.

11:01 Yeah, Dave, Dave, Dave.

11:03 Drew So Laurie started-

11:04 Adam He made the decree, he wanted to help some babies, he wanted to take some calls tonight.

11:09 Drew Laurie, you started dating your best friend when you were in high school, and at 18 you started having sex with him, right?

11:13 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

11:14 Okay, and at 19 we broke up for, I don't even know what reason, but we just remained like best friends, ever since it's been like two years, but I'm still having sex with him, and he has a girlfriend, and I'm still like going out with other guys, so I don't know what to do, like.

11:26 Adam Really? Wow.

11:29 Drew Let me, I'm suspicious that the reason you don't remember why you broke up is because he initiated it. Yeah, and he would remember why, and the reason you're still having sex is because you allow him to do that to you, and of course he will.

11:42 No, because I was the one who brought it up, I was like, you know what, I really, like I think I was just getting bored, like I don't know, I just, I do that sometimes.

11:49 Drew I think you're just telling me, you just open the door, you threw the door open.

11:53 David Alan Grier Guys, I'm Mechelen Jekyll. Let's let the little woman talk here. Now, are you happy with this relationship exactly the way it is?

12:04 I like it because I don't know, I like him a lot because he's like my best friend or whatever.

12:09 David Alan Grier Okay, but you don't want anything more, you want it like if you could say in perpetuity, that means forever, you want it just like this. You don't want him to dump his girlfriend, you don't want him to pledge his love, you want it to exist just like this, you're happy, right?

12:22 Well, yeah, because I'm so good.

12:23 David Alan Grier No further questions, Your Honor, witness my statement.

12:25 Adam Yeah, so easy, so leading. Leading.

12:28 Drew Even leading, though, the problem with our questions.

12:30 Adam Not leading, dragging.

12:31 David Alan Grier Well, you don't have questions, you have a-

12:34 Drew Hang on a second, Laurie, the problem with our call is that they believe their own BS. They talk themselves into stuff.

12:39 David Alan Grier You know what, you've talked yourself into a whole medical career. Let's listen to our patients, let's not just jump in, you know, you just don't come in and go, you got an appendicitis, don't you?

12:47 Drew You know, Doug's dad was a doctor, he's a little fever, a little flashback.

12:49 David Alan Grier And he just visited too.

12:51 Drew It's called transfer, it's a little cabinet.

12:52 David Alan Grier He just visited, now he's old and feeble, and I'm like, well, I don't know.

12:55 David Alan Grier How do you feel, dad?

12:57 Yeah, yeah.

12:59 Drew Yes, Laurie.

13:00 Adam He can only afford one rim, one 22-incher on his SUV.

13:04 David Alan Grier Just a one.

13:07 David Alan Grier Laurie, so what's your question? You don't know why.

13:09 Okay, no, okay, here's my question. I need to know if I should end up going out with him again, should I date him again, or should I seek counseling? I don't really know what to do.

13:18 Adam Well, let's try to figure something out. Let's try to establish something. You say he's your best friend and you love having sex with him. Doesn't that mean you're in love with him? You're in love with him?

13:30 I think it does, but I don't know if I can do it because I'm-

13:33 Adam So you are in love with him.

13:34 Drew The problem is he's not loving you back.

13:36 David Alan Grier Well, hold on. Does he say he loves you?

13:39 Drew He's got a girlfriend.

13:40 David Alan Grier Well, she's dating other guys.

13:41 You know, like, it's the fun, like, I love you, love you, too, you know, like, that sort of thing.

13:46 Drew Yeah, but, Laurie, you don't feel that way. That's-

13:48 Adam Now, you're in love with him.

13:49 Drew You're really into it. She is, believe me. All right, all right.

13:52 David Alan Grier Well, here's what I want to know. Laurie, how would you change things?

13:55 Drew If you could- If you could script it any way you wanted, how would the future go?

14:01 I have no idea because right now I'm happy, like, I'm fine, but it's just like, I don't know if this is wrong, you know?

14:07 Adam All right, cut her off.

14:08 David Alan Grier Next caller. I can't take it.

14:09 Adam I can't either, but Laurie, let me, let me, let's be honest.

14:12 Drew You can't script it because you won't be honest.

14:13 Adam You would have him, he would, his girlfriend would disappear and he would devote himself to you.

14:18 Drew That would be your script.

14:19 David Alan Grier And then you would dump him and start sleeping with someone else.

14:22 Drew Don't give that part yet.

14:23 David Alan Grier Which may be a good idea.

14:24 Drew Laurie, so if you could write the script, you would be, he would devote himself to you and he'd drop his girlfriend, you'd go on together, that'd be that.

14:33 Caller I really, I don't know, I don't know what to do. What, should I seriously?

14:36 Adam All right, all right. You're in love with the guy, you're just not in a minute. By the way, there's got to be some room in that script for a wacky black neighbor.

14:43 David Alan Grier Hey, that's right.

14:44 David Alan Grier Hey, what's up, Lord?

14:46 David Alan Grier You know I'm butt naked again. Man, she is hot up in here.

14:51 Adam Now, here's the thing.

14:52 David Alan Grier Can I take my flip-flops off?

14:54 Adam DAG's got himself one of those house arrest, anklet things, but he only, now here's the funny part. He can get down to his mailbox, but he can't get any further than that, which gets him just to the front door of his hot neighbor, but he can't get inside the house, so he has to receive oral through the mail slot.

15:13 Drew Wouldn't he be good as the person we only see through the mailbox?

15:16 David Alan Grier The whole story evolves. Kind of like that Tim Allen thing.

15:19 Adam Yeah, yeah.

15:20 David Alan Grier Hey, what's up, man? How you doing there, neighbor?

15:23 Adam We only see him through the peephole in the door while he receives oral.

15:27 David Alan Grier Adam, you're always pitching. What happened to Pinky Spanx? Whatever that wonderful idea you had.

15:32 Adam Oh, Pinky Cheeks?

15:34 David Alan Grier That is a keeper. Yeah, I'm sorry.

15:37 Adam I'll tell you, somebody has to take a sitcom and set it in a bikini waxing center.

15:43 David Alan Grier Yes.

15:44 Adam Crazy Vietnamese broad, big, heavy set.

15:47 David Alan Grier You like your tip?

15:48 Drew I get your tip.

15:49 David Alan Grier Yeah.

15:49 Adam Big, big, big Olga, the big Gilda, the big European Eastern Bloc European chick. And then just a bevy of hot blondes running in and out of the place.

15:58 David Alan Grier Hispanic like receptionist. Yeah. Boxer boyfriend, you know.

16:03 Adam Oh, here's the thing. Super, super lazy Hispanic male janitor. Wow. He's always just sort of leaning on the mop, looking at the chick.

16:11 David Alan Grier And he says that's the key phrase. He says something like, I don't clean that room.

16:15 Adam Yeah, that's right.

16:18 David Alan Grier Fernando, get out of here.

16:19 Adam That's right.

16:20 David Alan Grier You're really going, Hey, Fernando, what should we do about the Gulf War? I don't clean that room.

16:26 David Alan Grier Fernando, come on.

16:27 Adam That's his catchphrase.

16:29 David Alan Grier I don't clean that room. Don't give me starting.

16:32 Adam You know, I was watching, I was watching Full House, as I'm apt to do over a long weekend. And I just like, you know, Fonzie had his A and everyone had their sort of Roger, Roger from What's Happening had his thing. Everyone had their own had their own catchphrase. They tried for a while to get John Stamos. They tried for a while to get him to do a Lord Have Mercy, but it never quite caught on. But you could tell, you could tell they were trying to get it to catch on, but then they abandoned it. You know what I'm saying?

17:04 David Alan Grier Do I hear a train coming in the station? Let's, I want to see or hear a catchphrase from one of you guys. Let's try it out tonight, but you got to do it the whole show.

17:12 Adam Okay.

17:12 David Alan Grier Dr. Drew, what are you feeling?

17:15 Drew I have to think about it.

17:16 David Alan Grier I'm going to take two pills and call me in the morning.

17:18 Adam Yeah, let's do that one. I'm going to try to work in, You Busted My Behind Me.

17:25 Oh, wow.

17:26 David Alan Grier How about this one, Dr. Drew? The Doctor's Hit.

17:28 Drew No, it makes me sick.

17:30 David Alan Grier No, it makes you sick? Okay.

17:31 Drew I'll think of something. How about this one? I'm a rapist. I'm a rapist.

17:34 Adam Okay, I'm a rapist. That's good. All right, let's see. No sex drive. Peter, folks fight.

17:41 Drew Take Peter.

17:41 Adam Take Peter. All right.

17:42 Drew And then Sean.

17:43 Adam Oh, DAG, don't start spreading your breath around here.

17:46 Drew Oh, man.

17:47 Adam The belt.

17:48 Drew Oh, for God's sake.

17:49 David Alan Grier Try this. Oh, it's you know what that is. You know what that is. That is a burger. Well, I always got to go back. A lot of avocado, some nonfat yogurt, and of course, a couple of glasses of Cabernet. I got a rifle through the old cellar there, Dr. Drew. I have 1300 bottles. That's three bottles a day for one year.

18:10 Drew Well, you know, Adam needs some medicine. That's his medicine. He'll come raid it.

18:15 Adam Let me ask you guys something. Seriously, the Belch, which I don't think I smell the Belch until I... Your own.

18:22 Drew Huh? Your own or somebody else's?

18:24 Adam Anyone's.

18:25 Drew My own.

18:25 Adam I don't think I smelled anyone else's until like four years ago, but now it's on the rise.

18:30 Drew I think all your friends have gotten older. As they get older, stuff kind of percolates.

18:34 David Alan Grier Well, you're brewing Apple Jack in the old tum tum.

18:37 Drew There's this patchlessness to the sphincter here. Isn't your stomach full?

18:46 Adam Less farting, more belching over the last few years.

18:48 Drew Less farting?

18:49 Adam Hey, no, I just mean that I've smelled.

18:51 David Alan Grier Let's take a caller.

18:52 Drew All right, you're right.

18:53 Adam Peter.

18:53 Adam Yo, Adam, Steve, Penis, Corolla, Dr. Drew Pinsky, and David Alan Grier. How you guys doing?

18:59 David Alan Grier What's up, baby?

19:00 Adam You guys have the biggest profound effect on me. I mean, like I'm the biggest. I've been listening for like eight years now. Thank you. I mean, thank you.

19:10 It's an honor.

19:12 Adam It's a real honor. Thank you.

19:14 Drew Do you wear your nasal CPAP? You should see it. He has to bring this thing with traveling with this huge mask that pushes up in his nostril. Really?

19:21 David Alan Grier I can't really sleep with that, but I sleep about if I get four hours with the old CPAP there.

19:25 Drew Yeah. You have CPAP and nasal CPAP? You have both?

19:28 David Alan Grier No. I have the CPAP. I have the whole big one.

19:30 Drew The mask. The big mask. Yeah.

19:31 David Alan Grier And it's hard to talk a lot of smack, you know, when you get your honey bunny there, when you're like...

19:34 Drew It looks like, you know, where they're going to put somebody out for anesthesia, that kind of big thing. It's very sexy.

19:40 Adam Let me say this. I hope DAG, you know, takes it in spirit, in which it's intended.

19:44 David Alan Grier Oh, boy. Here it comes.

19:45 Drew You're going to say I'm racist, aren't you?

19:46 Adam No, no, I'm not. Well, it could be. It's a step away from racism.

19:50 David Alan Grier I think we've all seen...

19:52 Adam I'm saying his nostrils...

19:54 Drew We should be able to move air quite nicely. Yeah.

19:56 Adam Oh, yeah. He's using aria.

19:58 David Alan Grier You missed the whole point.

19:59 Drew It's behind me. Yeah, right. But the palate's big, too. A big, soft palate hangs back there.

20:03 Adam Oh, now who's racist?

20:04 Drew That's what gives him all that resonance, all that deep quality. This is a wonderful singing voice. That's a big tongue.

20:16 Adam Yeah, it's got a lot of tongue.

20:17 David Alan Grier Let's seal some baby.

20:18 Drew And that's obstructing the airway.

20:19 David Alan Grier Next caller, Tyrone.

20:21 Adam Let me just say this. It's like David was built to perform oral on a woman. Huge tongue, massive nostrils.

20:28 David Alan Grier Can I talk about this for a while? You're built to do it.

20:30 Adam I have a small tongue.

20:32 David Alan Grier That is an enjoyable experience, Adam.

20:34 Drew And obstructed the airway. He has no...

20:36 Adam I have a deviated septum. I have a small tongue.

20:39 David Alan Grier Oh, please.

20:40 Adam No, I'm just saying you were built to perform oral.

20:42 David Alan Grier Get down there and root around. Come on. You better kick in because there's going to be a man who's going to. And he may be installing a table right now. You know what I like to do? I'm putting these cables together. You know I like to do something else. I'm going to talk to you.

21:00 You're weird.

21:01 Caller You listen to me.

21:03 David Alan Grier So let's see you some babies.

21:05 David Alan Grier Next caller.

21:06 David Alan Grier What's your dog's name?

21:07 Adam Dave, you do the oral, right?

21:08 David Alan Grier What's your dog's name? I love it.

21:10 Adam I love it.

21:11 Drew He wants to know what you sound like.

21:12 David Alan Grier What?

21:12 Adam Really? Yeah.

21:13 Drew He's mentioned that to me a couple of times. I'm a rapist.

21:16 David Alan Grier Yeah. You're a rapist?

21:16 Drew And he wants to hear what you sound like.

21:18 David Alan Grier Can I tell you? I can't tell you and be legal. I'm a filthy, foul pig. I'll put you on the list like that.

21:25 Adam What's it sound like when you're performing oral?

21:27 David Alan Grier I talk a lot.

21:28 Adam Oh, you do? You talk?

21:29 Drew A while.

21:30 David Alan Grier How do you do that? That is a talent. She's watching.

21:33 Adam You can talk while you're performing oral?

21:35 David Alan Grier No, not, not, not, not.

21:36 Drew I must know.

21:37 David Alan Grier Not, not, not. Because you may blow air in there and you don't want to do that.

21:41 Adam Yeah.

21:41 Drew I must know.

21:42 David Alan Grier Air embolism.

21:43 Adam Yeah. There's such a bad news is they're dead. The good news is you get anal.

21:46 Drew Yeah.

21:46 David Alan Grier But you always want to say how wonderful they smell and taste. You never want to come on pickles. Are you? What's your diet like?

21:53 Adam Yeah. It's smart.

21:54 David Alan Grier Get off of me.

21:56 David Alan Grier You always want to come. Here we go. No, I can't. I can't be. I can't. I can't be illegal.

22:02 Adam Yeah. You know, good. FCC could toss right up there. And next caller Tony and the girls are 13 Peter.

22:09 David Alan Grier Oh, dear.

22:09 Adam What's up?

22:10 Adam You're 20.

22:11 Drew Yeah.

22:12 Adam All right.

22:12 Drew What's your question?

22:13 Adam You do before we get into that. Yes. You're coming to my my my school. The following next week.

22:19 Drew Yeah, fantastic.

22:20 Adam Yeah, I have a hold on true.

22:21 David Alan Grier You're going to shock.

22:23 Drew That's shocking. Wait a second.

22:25 David Alan Grier Two buses, a ferry and what?

22:26 Adam A five mile takes a dirigible. It gets dragged by Norma Dillon to pay me.

22:31 David Alan Grier You guys in this hockey field. Let's come on, buddy up and shoulder to shoulder. Let's see there right down the front.

22:37 Drew I can take some questions one night. All right.

22:40 Adam Go ahead, Peter.

22:42 Yeah.

22:42 Adam So what is it?

22:43 What's that about?

22:44 Adam I mean, I got tickets, but I have no idea what you'll see. I can't wait.

22:49 Drew Yeah.

22:50 Adam Anyway, you get to find a copy of your book.

22:52 Drew Yeah. I'm sure afterwards.

22:54 Adam I'll do it during the show.

22:55 David Alan Grier Is this the question?

22:56 Drew Oh, he has a question.

22:58 Adam Is that the question?

22:59 David Alan Grier He makes my butt itch. Wonderful.

23:02 Adam Peter, do you have a question?

23:04 Adam I have a question. I have a really good question. I just want to know if the pill is going to boost or hurt my girlfriend's sex drive.

23:13 Drew It depends what pill she takes and it depends on her. If she takes the depot shot, that's more likely to shut her down than anything else. Because the triphasic pills tend to be more likely to boost the sex drive a little bit, but for some women they shut them down. So it's really just a matter of how she responds to it. In general, more estrogen, less progesterone tends to improve the sex drive.

23:34 David Alan Grier That's not always true. Because tributals, don't they make the whole...

23:38 Drew Sometimes the progesterone has an androgenic effect.

23:40 David Alan Grier Well, you want to look at progesterones like that. But I'm just saying sometimes the progesterones make the whole hobby glidal kickback and which causes a whole hyperbolic sexualization.

23:51 Adam DAG's right.

23:52 Adam All right. Well, thanks a lot, guys.

23:53 David Alan Grier Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

23:56 Drew All right.

23:56 Adam Drew, what's your catchphrase?

23:58 Drew I'm a rapist.

23:58 Adam Yeah, that's good. DAG, do you have one?

24:02 David Alan Grier You want a tango? Let's bossanova!

24:05 Adam You know, that's good.

24:06 David Alan Grier I'm trying that out. I'm going to try different levels, though.

24:08 Adam Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah, there's the one... where you've been injured, you've fallen off the roof, trying to install your own satellite dish. And then when you're lying, and I think you're dead, and you say it, you want a tango? And that's when I know, like when you say it, your ribs are cracked. Yeah.

24:23 David Alan Grier Or you could do the one where you go... It hurts.

24:31 Drew All right, here we go.

24:36 Adam Yeah, that's episode one.

24:39 We're going to take ourselves a little break.

24:41 Adam DAG also also known as my main man is in the studio tonight. He's going to be the Ontario improv. Ripping it up, baby. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Do not miss him. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

24:56 Adam Loveline will be right back.

24:59 Loveline is brought to you by the May issue of Playboy. Why feature a real Desperate Housewives pictorial in our annual baseball preview issue? Because like baseball, beauty is also a game of inches. Thirty eight twenty eight thirty six to be exact. The May Playboy on newsstands now.

25:24 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Drew, DAG, also known as my main man.

25:30 David Alan Grier What's up, man?

25:30 Adam He's in here tonight.

25:31 David Alan Grier How you doing?

25:31 Adam David Alan Grier is gonna be at the Ontario Improv on the 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th. That is this Thursday through Sunday at the Improv. I've seen David do stand-up.

25:42 David Alan Grier Oh boy.

25:43 Adam Hilarious.

25:44 David Alan Grier Thank you so much, Adam.

25:44 Adam I gotta tell you, David's one of these guys, he's just super talented in whatever direction he wants to go in, he's gonna do a great job. He wants to do acting, he's good, he wants to do radio, he's good.

25:54 Drew He was trying out for a theater part when he was in New York.

25:57 David Alan Grier Yeah, I didn't get it. Thanks for bringing that up.

25:59 Drew Too nice. But I was thinking it was a straight acting role, right?

26:02 David Alan Grier Well, no, it was a musical version of the color purple, and I was trying out for the abusive.

26:09 David Alan Grier I'm gonna whoop your butt today. Don't look at me.

26:15 Drew My point was, you need to sing.

26:17 Adam How many blacks are they hiring? I mean, well, the whole show is like 150,000.

26:21 David Alan Grier Have you read a book? Have you read a book?

26:23 Adam No, I don't. All I know is...

26:24 David Alan Grier It's the color purple, not the color Wonder Bread.

26:27 Adam I'm just saying, I don't know the story. I just know musicals traditionally is one black guy. And you go up against 100 people.

26:34 David Alan Grier And he has tab shoes and he's kicking high. He's kicking high.

26:37 Drew Really, I've seen you. I saw you on Life with Bonnie, pull something, singing and dancing, like in moments. And I was like, well, that's serious.

26:45 David Alan Grier And your wife was here. Your beloved was here.

26:47 Drew Yes.

26:47 David Alan Grier She was like, she was like a Van Halen groupie. And she was all in a tizzy over Bonnie. Oh, my God.

26:54 Drew But the point is, though, that I was thinking to myself, that is talent. You got to like deploy.

26:59 David Alan Grier You know, enough about me. Let's save some kids. That's really why I come here.

27:03 Adam Let me just, I want to mention something that Dave is probably going to get some use out of at some point in his life. Not now. Maybe not. It's not right to hear it now, but at some point. And just in general, Drew and I were at a wedding last night. Yesterday. And I thought to myself, the whole time the ceremony was going on, I was thinking to myself, thank Christ I'm married because I'm sitting next to my wife and if she was my girlfriend, she'd be pissed off right now. Because if you bring, because you've been dating someone for a few years and you go to a wedding, they're pissed. And then later on, and I was just sitting there feeling like, we had no pressure because normally there's that weird stuff. They're looking at you, weird tension, all that. The other thing is, then we ran into Amy, friend of ours who works over here at the station. She's going out of town with her man and they're going to Europe. I think they're going to Paris or something. They've been together for a few years. She said, oh, he may be. I said, oh no, listen, guys will travel with you. In his mind, it's not like I'm going out to pop the question. Guys don't think about that. Well, it ran through her mind, some of her friends thought. I'm telling you guys.

28:09 Drew Guys don't do that.

28:09 Adam But let me say this, guys. If you're with a woman for a couple of years, or maybe it's just six months, but you're in your 30s or whatever, you know she's looking to get married. You can't go out of town to Palm Springs or Santa Barbara, or God forbid, Europe. You can't go anywhere. She's expecting the whole time that you're going to pop something. You're totally oblivious. You're there to get drunk and F and then drive back. See how the car ride is back from your romantic weekend. A night a while, their palms raise. Arms will be crossed. You'll be strangely silent. You'll be about 50 miles out of Palm Desert and you do that. What's up? You're quiet. What was it? We had a great time.

28:49 David Alan Grier You're so right.

28:50 Adam Yeah. You can't go out of town. Don't do it or propose, but don't go out of town.

28:55 Drew But how weird that men are not being led to understand that at all and women aren't honest about it. Because the guys have no idea.

29:05 David Alan Grier I tried to tell female friends. I told you I had a discussion with a female friend. She was really mad at this guy that she had a crush on. And I was like, well, why are you mad at him? Because he won't pay attention to her. I was like, okay, so do you know, does he know that you like him? He should know. He should just know. Like, did you tell him? No, but he should know. And like, okay, so you didn't tell him. So he's supposed to read your mind and know that you like him. And now you're, she was so angry. She wouldn't go out with him because he hadn't asked her to go out with him in that time.

29:35 Drew I don't think how little guys are aware of.

29:37 Adam No, they know nothing. And women are like kids that way. They think you're supposed to know what they're thinking.

29:43 David Alan Grier If you really love them, when you get married.

29:45 Drew Whatever, or whatever.

29:46 David Alan Grier But when you get married, it's like, if you really loved me, you would have known in my head what I was thinking.

29:51 Adam And all their, by the way, their friends, their ladies who lunch, who fill their head with, oh, he's going to pop the question.

29:58 David Alan Grier You guys are in Paris.

29:59 Adam This is gonna, they get that, they start planting all those seeds. I'm just saying, now what do you guys think of this? If you were with somebody for let's say two, three years, and you're not 17, 18, you're in your 20s or 30s or whatever, and you say, we're going to Paris for a couple of weeks, and you're not going to ask them to marry you, should you have that conversation before you leave? Before you leave, should you go?

30:22 David Alan Grier No, it should go like this, it should go like, man, you're not going to believe this, but I can't take you to Paris because it's only one person allowed, so I'm going to have to go myself.

30:34 Adam Oh, it's crazy, absolutely, that's the only way.

30:37 David Alan Grier DAG's right, DAG is right. You can't get out of it. And another thing, Adam.

30:40 Adam Would you have that conversation?

30:42 Drew I would have lots of conversations about your planning around marriage, and here's my advice to women.

30:47 Adam But when we go.

30:48 Drew Leave men when they say, I can't get married until.

30:51 David Alan Grier Yeah, but talk about the future, I always talk about the future.

30:53 Adam Would you say something though, you know they're going to be PO'd all the way back from Paris if you don't do anything.

30:59 Drew You don't have to talk about Paris so much, continue to talk about, I'm not getting, you know, my marriage is not in the cards for me until.

31:05 David Alan Grier But you know what, Adam, you got to train your bitch.

31:07 Drew Until I'm 30, until I'm 35, whatever it is.

31:09 David Alan Grier You got to horse train them.

31:11 Adam You got to train the bitch?

31:11 David Alan Grier Yeah, that's right.

31:12 Adam What do you do?

31:13 David Alan Grier Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Put your hand up. Put your hand down.

31:17 Drew You got to get out there and get your bitch spunk drunk.

31:20 David Alan Grier That's right.

31:21 Drew That's right.

31:22 David Alan Grier There you go. And another thing, guys, always go to a wedding, but you should go by yourself. Nothing gets chicks, single women, more horned up than being at a wedding. I have hooked up with the most legendary hookups of my life at long wedding weekends. You know, where you go away, everybody's got to book rooms.

31:41 Adam Oh, yeah. You're all there waiting.

31:43 David Alan Grier And there's like a pre-announcement cocktail hour. There's a champagne brunch.

31:48 Adam Yeah.

31:48 David Alan Grier There's the toast.

31:49 Adam All the best, man.

31:50 David Alan Grier You can lay more pipe.

31:53 Adam Yeah.

31:53 David Alan Grier At a wedding weekend, saying stuff like, man, I wish that was us.

32:02 David Alan Grier I gotta go.

32:03 David Alan Grier That's quick.

32:04 Adam This is what it sounds like. All right. Let's take some calls. Yeah, it's true. If you're a guy, go stag, go to a wedding. Chicks are loaded and they're just receptive.

32:13 David Alan Grier Yeah. And be into it too, like shh.

32:15 David Alan Grier Yeah.

32:16 David Alan Grier Guys, come on. In the corner, hold it down, please.

32:19 Adam And by the way, this is the time to talk about marriage when you're at a marriage and there's no way you're going to marry anybody.

32:25 David Alan Grier Bingo. Bingo.

32:26 Adam You feel so lucky for the couple. You're so jealous of Brad. He gets Sharon so beautiful. You wish you find someone to settle down with.

32:34 David Alan Grier Adam, that is my key. You know what I do? I practice reverse. I call it reverse romanticization. And that's a word, romanticization. It is. You meet the chick on the first date. You tell them, I love you. I want you to bear my children. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And from that moment on, it goes the other way.

32:56 Adam Right.

32:57 David Alan Grier So you're like, well, maybe.

32:58 Drew You peak early.

32:58 David Alan Grier Exactly.

33:00 Adam Jade?

33:01 Drew Yeah? You're just selling something you're good at the way you do.

33:03 Adam Jade, you're 23?

33:04 Caller Yeah.

33:05 Adam What's up?

33:07 Caller Not much. I'm an X corrections officer and I used to work over at Lewis Prison in Buckeye, Arizona. And there was an inmate there who the elasticity around his rim gave out. I guess he was hee-string too much or having too much anal.

33:25 Drew He made his his anal his anal musculature was no longer working.

33:29 Caller Yeah.

33:30 David Alan Grier And they think the loss is weak.

33:33 Drew Did he have a he had a prolapse then his veins actually came out, right?

33:37 Caller Yeah, it just it didn't. Yeah, it's gone. There's nothing there. My question is, is that normal? I mean, because like my husband like comes near me now. I freak out. I don't want him touching it because I'm afraid that my elasticity is going to go out.

33:51 Drew Yeah, you can listen. I've always what I've been saying is that people somehow think that that's an in.

33:56 Adam Well, this guy was bringing in balloons of heroin and taking in half of Aleme. Yeah, well, that's true.

34:05 Drew That is a may.

34:06 Adam You can you can tear you can guys were arranging their penises in his ass like they're putting flowers in a vase. You understand?

34:14 Drew Sure.

34:14 Adam Multiple P9.

34:16 Drew The Adam and I had a long discussion about anal prolapse. In fact, yesterday at the wedding.

34:19 David Alan Grier Well, let me ask you this. Have you ever heard of vaginal prolapse?

34:22 David Alan Grier Yep.

34:24 Drew Do you have kids?

34:24 David Alan Grier Jay, do you have kids?

34:26 Caller I do not.

34:27 David Alan Grier You do not. OK, well, if a baby can come down your out of your cooter and you're still receiving men with gusts out, then you can pack a little fudge in the back there.

34:37 Drew It's a little different than that of me.

34:39 David Alan Grier Come on, she can let her husband get in there and get in a bad place and root around.

34:42 Drew Let me put it to you this way. The vaginal canal is designed to take the fetus. The anal canal is not designed to take the fetus.

34:48 David Alan Grier I know it's not designed to, but, you know, she can have a little fun back there. And by the way, that's the best excuse I've ever heard in my life. And she is a corrections officer. One quick question, honey, who's really in prison? You are the prisoner.

35:01 Adam Oh, wow. That is heavy.

35:03 David Alan Grier Think about it. It's hard on the old canoodle.

35:05 Drew And so, Jade, yes, that can happen. It's not like it happened at a young age usually. But as people age, that kind of stuff happens automatically. And so my concern is with all these people engaging anal sex, we're going to see lots more rectal pathology as people get in their six, seven, eight decades of life.

35:19 David Alan Grier This week on rectal pathology.

35:21 Adam Jade, you're not working as a correctional officer anymore?

35:27 Caller No, the hostage situation, my family kind of requested I leave that line of work.

35:33 Drew Oh, the hostage situation.

35:35 Adam You had a hostage situation?

35:37 Caller Yeah, in Arizona, there was the two officers that were held hostage by the two inmates. And when you're working mandatory over time and you can't call home in time, your family kind of freaked out a little bit.

35:49 David Alan Grier At ease, enough with the military talk. Can I ask you a quick question? Did you ever, ever, how many years were you a corrections officer?

35:59 Caller Quite a couple of years.

36:00 David Alan Grier Okay, so did you ever, like, have interaction with a prisoner that you kind of had some feelings for?

36:08 Caller You know what? Never. And I saw a lot of female corrections officers get compromised. And I did see it, but I never, you know, they can't take me out.

36:18 David Alan Grier You never got compromised, right? Right.

36:20 Drew That's wacky.

36:21 David Alan Grier Jade, what you wearing now, darling?

36:22 Adam Let me tell you, I don't.

36:23 David Alan Grier Hold on, Adam, hold on, man. Jade, baby, what you got on?

36:28 Adam It's a khaki shirt, triple X.

36:31 David Alan Grier Jade, what you got on? What you wearing right now, honey?

36:33 Caller What am I wearing? I'm wearing a uniform. I'm actually at work.

36:37 Drew So, wait, so, Jade, these women can't maintain their boundaries and don't aren't the people watching for that kind of thing pretty carefully?

36:44 Caller Absolutely. There's a lot of people that, you know, and it starts out really small. Like, can I borrow your pen or can I, you know, it starts out really small and it just kind of gets.

36:52 David Alan Grier Can I prolapse your anus?

36:53 David Alan Grier What I say? What I say? What I say?

36:56 David Alan Grier I got feelings for you. Can I prolapse your anus? Oh, see, you tripping. You tripping.

37:01 David Alan Grier You tripping, baby.

37:03 Adam Let me say this. Dag, that's why he's my main man, by the way. OK, here's the thing you got to think about. These chicks. It's funny. It's funny. Here's the thing about these correctional officers. First off, they're women often. They're not the bells of the ball. They wear those green. They wear those green Force Ranger pants and they are packed into those goddamn things. Like they dove into them.

37:33 David Alan Grier Even cute ones. You got to you got to. It's like being a policeman. There's good policemen. But for some like correction, why would you want to be a corrections officer? You got to come in the room with some issues.

37:45 Adam You're coming in with some issues. And usually there's I don't want to say damaged goods, but a little there has to be a little history. It's not it's not head of the class, bell of the ball and off to college. These are working women and these are women who have to work because of whatever situation a man dumped them. They have a couple of kids, whatever it is. So picture this. You're a woman, maybe you've been divorced a couple of times, you're in your early 40s, you're not feeling like a spring chicken. And there's some dude with washboard abs who's 23, he's paying a ton of attention to you. You got a big ass on the outside. You got no pull inside. You're you're you're a hot flower. You're a hot commodity.

38:28 David Alan Grier Dude, a stripper friend of mine, she had this boyfriend who ex-boyfriend who stole a car. No, he stole a car that gave him five years. All he did is steal a car. He didn't really steal it. He was in it. Really? OK. He raped somebody. Oh, that's why. Anyway, he was in the joint. He called her 20 times a day.

38:44 David Alan Grier Oh, yes.

38:45 David Alan Grier Collect.

38:45 Adam Oh, yeah.

38:46 David Alan Grier What's that in the background, baby? No, you sound like you got guests.

38:50 David Alan Grier Who's over there?

38:50 David Alan Grier Like he was monitoring so hard. I was like, how can you? Who has time?

38:54 Adam Right.

38:54 David Alan Grier That's all he did is call her. So they got time to sit all day.

38:58 Adam And let me say, let me say this, too. A lot of those Jews have a great rap. A lot of the prison filled with Jewish guys. Oh, filled with Jews.

39:06 David Alan Grier I would do with you and my yarmulke.

39:09 Adam And they do a great, they got to wrap those guys. They really do. I see them working out in the weight yards.

39:14 David Alan Grier To prolapse your anus.

39:18 Adam Oftentimes there's a brawl out in the yard between the moderate Jews and the Hasidim going at it. You know what I mean?

39:28 David Alan Grier Hey, Jade, is Jade still on?

39:29 David Alan Grier Yeah.

39:30 Adam Jade.

39:31 Adam Jade, what's happening?

39:33 David Alan Grier Hello? Jade, you there? She's fine. Jade? Yeah?

39:38 David Alan Grier So like, were you ever like working with another female on the job? Like a person that you could really vouch for, you never thought this woman would crack and you just saw him just crumble up, fall in love with some knucklehead.

39:50 Caller I sure did. She actually married him.

39:52 David Alan Grier Oh, that is beautiful.

39:54 David Alan Grier What was he in for?

39:56 Caller I actually don't know, but he was in there for quite some time. He was an old timer. He had an old number. And all they do is sit there and watch you. And she was watching him and he was watching her. And then he just, he just, Like how old was he?

40:10 David Alan Grier How old was he?

40:13 Caller He was like in his 30s. And how old was she? She was in her young 20s.

40:17 Adam She was my age.

40:18 David Alan Grier Was she hot looking?

40:21 Caller I wouldn't say she was hot. I mean, I wouldn't do her, but I mean.

40:24 David Alan Grier Oh, look out, bingo.

40:26 Drew But here's the deal. There was an article, I think it was LA Times today, about marriages in prison.

40:30 Adam Well, wait a second, wait. I just want to know, is he, did she marry him while he was still in or did he get out and they got married?

40:37 Caller Yeah, he married him when he was still in. She got compromised and she fell in love and it's under investigation and everything.

40:47 Adam I'm a rapist.

40:48 David Alan Grier I like all the sexy talks.

40:49 Adam She had to quit.

40:50 David Alan Grier She was compromised and they had to do a strip search and her anus got prolapsed, you know what I'm saying?

40:57 Adam Well, we got to take a break. This is good stuff. Hold on, Drew. I'm into this prison wedding and all that stuff too. I like being compromised.

41:04 Drew But the paper was saying that it mellows these guys. It makes them better able to get out into the world. I bet.

41:10 Adam It makes some da sound.

41:11 David Alan Grier You got something to do. And also loving the unlovable. Come on.

41:15 Adam Yeah.

41:15 David Alan Grier Dead man walking.

41:17 Adam We'll take a quick break. David Alan Grier in Studio Night. We'll be right back.

41:19 David Alan Grier And when we come back, we're gonna pro-lapto anus.

41:33 Loveline is brought to you by the May issue of Playboy. Who are the best players in baseball today? Who will win the World Series? When you've got America's hottest desperate housewives in a tasty pictorial, does it even matter? Find all this and more in the May Playboy.

41:55 Adam There, buddy. It's Loveline. That's Dr. Drew and Dr. DAG in studio tonight. David Alan Grier is gonna be- Gonna beat the Ontario Improv that is Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday this week. Go there and see a bonafide celebrity, not a-

42:13 Drew And talent.

42:14 Adam And talent, yeah, but not just some hack comic.

42:17 David Alan Grier I changed my whole act, too.

42:19 David Alan Grier Chris, can you turn the eggs mic down?

42:20 Adam You don't even need- No way. Here's the thing about DAG, too. He doesn't need to do stand-up.

42:26 David Alan Grier I don't need no doctor.

42:27 Adam He makes plenty of money.

42:28 David Alan Grier Absolutely.

42:29 Adam He does it because he's that good at it. And he loves it when the ladies show up. It's a good way to pick up chicks, right?

42:36 David Alan Grier And Brea? Trust me.

42:38 Drew You're not going to Brea, you're going to Ontario, right?

42:41 Adam You're going to Ontario.

42:43 Drew That's what I think it says.

42:44 Adam You're at the Ontario one.

42:45 David Alan Grier I did not know that.

42:46 Adam Yeah.

42:47 Drew You've said Brea a number of times.

42:48 Adam I said it six times. She kept saying Brea.

42:51 Drew They had her guitars, blah, blah, blah.

42:52 David Alan Grier Trust me, my agent constantly is like, David, what? You're supposed to be on a plane. You're going to Boston. I was like, oh, right. Yeah.

42:59 Adam Oh, I thought it was Brea. I was going to claim to Brea. Everything's Brea.

43:03 David Alan Grier Oh, sorry. Ontario Airport.

43:05 Adam We're going on. He's going to go on his honeymoon to Brea Brea. All right. Let's talk to Jade again. Jade was a correctionals officer who actually saw rectal prolapse first hand and that actually was there was a patchless anus.

43:21 Drew I think is a little bit different.

43:23 David Alan Grier No, but it will be. What's a patchless anus?

43:25 Adam Yeah. Wow.

43:26 David Alan Grier That sounds like a character, doesn't it?

43:27 Adam The size of a mason jar.

43:28 David Alan Grier Patchless anus.

43:30 Adam Yeah. World's greatest.

43:31 David Alan Grier Oh, really? And it never closes?

43:33 Adam Patchless anus is like a either a golf caddy from the turn of the century, a black golf caddy, or the world's racehorse worst children's doctor.

43:43 Caller Wow.

43:45 David Alan Grier Jade, baby.

43:47 Drew Jade, you still there?

43:48 Yeah, I'm here.

43:49 Drew OK.

43:50 Caller All right.

43:50 Adam So I know if you moved on to another prison or if you gotten into other work.

43:55 Caller I've gotten into other work. I'm still in the field. I'm still in the field, but what are you doing?

44:02 David Alan Grier What are you doing now?

44:04 Caller I work for Armored Car Company.

44:06 David Alan Grier That's great.

44:07 Adam Yeah.

44:08 David Alan Grier Come on.

44:09 Adam All right. Good times. Drew, I want to talk about marrying prisoners, reading a big article on it. I have feelings.

44:15 Drew I just said that, you know, you and I have sort of yelled about that, that these people who have killed people are allowed to have conjugal visits and stuff. But this was sort of making the case that it helps these guys sort of reenter the world if they're ever going to.

44:27 David Alan Grier Yeah. But I know it helps a lot more, calms them down, freedom.

44:30 Adam Okay.

44:30 David Alan Grier They can't have that either, Dr. Drew.

44:32 Adam Yeah. And here, here, here's by the way, I'm not, I'm not talking about guys who are in there for credit card theft. I'm talking about the night stalker, Richard Ramirez. He kills 13 people. He gets married in the joint.

44:46 David Alan Grier Scott Peterson has got 10,000 letters.

44:49 Adam Oh, forget about it.

44:50 David Alan Grier They're not giving them to him, but 10,000 letters.

44:52 Adam These guys, look, Tex Watkins, the Manson murderer got married, crapped out a bunch of kids from inside the joint. All I'm saying is-

45:01 David Alan Grier Tex Ritter.

45:02 Adam Tex Ritter.

45:03 David Alan Grier Was a famous singer.

45:04 Adam He was. Yeah, he was John Ritter's dad. He was a cowboy singer. Good point, Dag. Now shut his mic.

45:11 David Alan Grier Thanks a lot.

45:13 Adam What about, I mean, what if, and all the way, Ted Bundy, Ted Bundy got married and has a daughter from inside the joint.

45:19 David Alan Grier Does he really?

45:19 Adam Yes. They never talk about it. All I'm saying is-

45:22 David Alan Grier Are you kidding me?

45:24 Adam No. Here's what I'm saying. If you were the parents of a victim, and Ted Bundy, it's not like he rolled through Mexico killing old prostitutes. He took 13-year-old school girls, tortured-

45:36 David Alan Grier College-age, college-age.

45:37 Adam No, he went young too. He went down to 13.

45:40 David Alan Grier That really wasn't his thing.

45:40 Adam He focused on the college-age girls. That's true. But he dipped down into the teens, the young teens every once in a while, took pliers to them, F-ed them and then killed them. This guy's now pumping away from inside the joint without pliers. No pliers. He can't get an erection.

45:56 David Alan Grier Hey, let's say some babies. Come on. Come on, come on, Adam.

45:58 Adam If you're the parents, Drew, if you're the parents of that child, second, second. You can't stop vomiting. You know what I'm saying?

46:04 Drew Oh, yeah.

46:06 Adam And you got those ACLU homos going, it's his right.

46:08 David Alan Grier There's one way you could do, you know, if you're the parent of a victim, you always get some pliers and go to Ted Bundy's parents, torture and kill them.

46:16 David Alan Grier Is that the kind of world you want, Adam?

46:17 Drew No, we want to go up here and kill you guys.

46:18 David Alan Grier Is that the kind of, is that what you want?

46:20 Adam No. No, OK, let's save some babies.

46:23 David Alan Grier Next caller, Tina 12.

46:24 Adam I got a way to get him out of the prison and it's in a box. That's how it should work. You're not going anywhere. You've killed 25 people.

46:30 David Alan Grier Well, he's been put to death, right? Didn't they put him to death?

46:32 Adam Yeah, because thank God he went to Florida.

46:35 David Alan Grier And he blamed his lunacy on pornography.

46:38 Adam Doesn't matter. He's gone. The point is, is Richard Ramirez, who killed 13 people by busting into there, you know, raping old women and strangling him, he's still enjoying himself on some of California's most primus real estate, by the way. And he's married.

46:53 David Alan Grier I'm against the death penalty.

46:54 Adam Yeah, yeah. We cool? That's good? Yeah.

46:57 David Alan Grier Jimmy, who's the guy? The church guy? Exactly. Next caller.

47:01 Adam We'll take a quick break. Yeah, we'll be right back with the great DAG after this. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, DAG, also known as my main man in studio tonight.

47:55 I'm a cancer.

47:57 Adam DAG's always a great guest, and we always look forward to him showing up on the show.

48:01 Drew Hey, can I put a plea out for someone? I wanna apologize to you, this has been going on so long, but it's almost completely done.

48:06 Adam Go ahead.

48:06 Drew And I didn't think it would go on and on like this, but I need a couple who recently married, just to document how their sex life is. Just to document, not to look at problems with it, but just to compare it to how it is with single people. Okay, I'm done.

48:21 Adam Fair enough.

48:21 Drew Thank you.

48:22 David Alan Grier Cool.

48:22 Adam Everybody hear that? Let me just say, it's Chris, if you get a frog in your throat, just pot your mic down, would you bother?

48:28 David Alan Grier Yeah.

48:28 Adam Sorry.

48:29 David Alan Grier Sorry about that, buddy.

48:29 Adam Sorry for that, Jerome.

48:30 David Alan Grier Sorry about that. Did I not press that button?

48:32 Drew No, that was Chris. That was Chris.

48:33 David Alan Grier Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Woof, boy, Brad improv there.

48:36 Adam Yeah, horrible improv. Not listening.

48:39 David Alan Grier You know what I'm saying.

48:40 Adam Actually, not really improv.

48:41 David Alan Grier Hey, I dropped that ball.

48:42 Drew Perfect for the LA area.

48:43 David Alan Grier You know what I mean?

48:44 David Alan Grier Yeah, I didn't take that one to the hole.

48:45 Yeah, I guess.

48:46 David Alan Grier I guess my anus is prolapsed.

48:49 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And and not only that, but come on, but when I say Ontario improv and you say Brea improv, you just say, yeah, shot, shot.

48:59 David Alan Grier Oh, that's nice. Sean, that is nice.

49:03 Adam Sean, Sean, you're 19.

49:05 Adam What's up?

49:06 What's happening?

49:07 Adam What's happening?

49:09 All right.

49:09 Adam Here's the deal.

49:11 Caller I'm a stand up comic. And most of my material is revolved around me being a virgin. However, this last Friday night, that was changed.

49:27 Drew In what way?

49:28 Caller Huh?

49:29 David Alan Grier In what way? What do you mean? What happened?

49:30 Caller I lost my virginity.

49:32 David Alan Grier Wow. Congratulations.

49:34 Caller So now my material is like, I mean, all my call backs, my all my premises are basically revolving around that. I don't know.

49:41 David Alan Grier In one week, in one week, you change your whole act?

49:44 Caller In one day, one hour.

49:46 David Alan Grier Well, can I ask a question?

49:48 Adam Yeah.

49:48 David Alan Grier Give me your best. OK, give me your best virgin joke. OK, pre-banging.

49:54 Adam Yeah.

49:55 David Alan Grier Make it short. You know, best. This is the one that killed every night. Hold on. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to laugh? Well, Dingleberrys Ontario is proud to present our featured performer, give it up for Sean.

50:11 Caller How's it going? Yeah. Man, you know what sucks? Being a virgin. I didn't even walk down the street anymore because the payment got laid before I did.

50:22 David Alan Grier Let's hear it for Sean.

50:23 David Alan Grier Come on, Dingleberrys. You can do better than that.

50:27 David Alan Grier OK, now, you just had a good banging.

50:29 Adam Hold on. Hold on a second.

50:31 Adam The pavement got laid before I did?

50:34 David Alan Grier Let's not link.

50:34 Drew The bricks got laid, I think. The bricks and the pavement got laid.

50:37 David Alan Grier I want to hear it.

50:38 Adam The pavement could have been laid a year ago.

50:40 Drew Yeah, it could have been laid whenever. It was in 1700.

50:43 Adam I'm going to give him another shot. Sean.

50:45 David Alan Grier Pre or post?

50:46 Adam Sean, let's bring you back up again to Dingleberrys.

50:49 David Alan Grier Is this pre or post, Adam?

50:51 Adam No, this is still... I want your three best virgin jokes in a row.

50:56 Adam All right. All right.

50:57 Drew We're going to break in between.

50:58 David Alan Grier You want it? Does he need an intro or you just want to go in there?

51:01 Adam Bring him back to Dingleberrys.

51:02 David Alan Grier We're going to give you the Def Jam intro.

51:04 David Alan Grier Are you ready to... DJ, cut the music. Are you ready to laugh?

51:17 David Alan Grier All right, everybody, everybody, give a Def Jam welcome to my main man, my home boy, all up in it till he win it. Go, it's your stage.

51:30 Adam All right, how's everybody doing?

51:32 David Alan Grier Yeah!

51:33 Caller Yeah, all right. Oscar Wilde said, a half-filled audience is hell. Welcome to the friggin 10th level.

51:41 David Alan Grier Oh, no, you didn't!

51:44 Adam Why, let me... He dropped the F-bomb, so I had to...

51:47 David Alan Grier I like the Oscar Wilde intro.

51:49 Drew It was heady, it's heady. It was.

51:51 Adam It's heady, but then he stumbled over the second part.

51:54 Drew Timing, we're gonna time it a little bit.

51:55 Adam They didn't get to the virgin, I wanted the virgin stuff.

51:58 David Alan Grier You sounded really nervous, even on the phone.

52:01 Adam You know what was funny, though? He was playing the audience. I thought he was gonna ask where you're from. Right, right, right. He's playing the audience in the only arena where there actually is no audience he can communicate with. Half-full audience he pictured. By the way, that's a low self-esteem, when someone yells, we're bringing it out, we're gonna bring out the Apollo, give a big Apollo welcome to, and you walk out and see half-filled audience. That's just horrible self-esteem. All right, so he dropped the F-bomb. All right, let me ask this, and David...

52:32 David Alan Grier Hit me with the tough questions, go ahead.

52:34 Adam You must feel fantastic that this guy's so horrible, being a stand-up yourself, you know what I mean? Yeah, you do.

52:40 David Alan Grier I don't.

52:41 Adam What if he was hysterical, this 19-year-old from little to little?

52:44 Drew It makes Adam feel great.

52:46 David Alan Grier I would be, you know, I performed with... Dave Chappelle was like the middle. He was 18 years old, like 10, 12 years ago. Longer than that, he was 91. This is 2005, 92, 91, 92 at Carolines. And he was fully formed, really, really, really funny. There's no way that you would have watched him then and said, this is an 18-year-old kid.

53:08 Adam Hold on a second, Drew, Dave Chappelle's a black comedian. Keep going. I'm sorry.

53:12 David Alan Grier Let me revise that.

53:13 Drew Let's put in a name like Chappelle. All right.

53:16 David Alan Grier Adam, when I pause, I want you to throw in a name of a Negro that you know Dr. Drew will know. You know, I once performed with Lionel Richie like 12, 15 years ago, and no one thought he was funny because you know when Bill Cosby says a joke, everyone laughs. He wasn't as funny as Colin Powell. Slappy wife.

53:38 Adam I like the black mad libs.

53:42 David Alan Grier Black lips.

53:43 Adam It would be good. You should do that out on the Ontario improv stage. You just do black, black libs, which is those girls in braille.

53:51 Drew They're great.

53:52 Adam You just tell you just tell the filthiest story you can. And everyone else out, the only black guy I'd ever know. And you'll get you'll get Washington Carver, who was pulling the three way with these bitches. And you'll get it'll be awesome. Yeah.

54:06 David Alan Grier Guys, let's listen. I want us to buckle down. Hands in the middle. Come on.

54:09 Adam Let's focus.

54:11 David Alan Grier Say some babies.

54:12 David Alan Grier Go, go, go, go, go. Have a good second half. Let's go.

54:15 Adam Come on. Sean.

54:17 David Alan Grier Yeah.

54:17 Adam You dropped the F-bomb, so we had to put you on hold for a while.

54:20 Adam All right.

54:21 Caller Now look, I'm going to ask you. I'm sorry.

54:24 David Alan Grier All right.

54:25 Adam Hold on.

54:25 Adam Don't, don't, don't apologize.

54:28 Adam Just give me your three best virgin jokes. No build in this time. No Apollo lead in. Just give it to us. You ready?

54:35 Drew Here we go.

54:35 Adam And here we go.

54:38 Caller All right. I don't know if you guys heard about this, but there's a teacher in Chicago who offered her student money, alcohol, and marijuana to have sex with her.

54:47 Adam Can you believe that?

54:49 Caller I would have done it for free.

54:50 Drew All right.

54:54 David Alan Grier This kid's funny.

54:55 Adam You do you say have sex with a hot shit for free.

54:59 David Alan Grier You know how you ended up on a high note? I'd do it for free.

55:02 Adam All right. Number two. Good joke.

55:04 Caller I was watching Friday the 13th movie the other day, and I got to say Jason had to be on some drugs. Think about it. A dude wearing a mask running through the woods chasing women. Jason sitting on the stump somewhere going, this is awesome. This wasn't a bad dude. He was just on a bad acid trip. Any one of us could do the same thing. You know in those movies everybody has said he dies.

55:32 Adam I mean he's a survivor.

55:34 Adam Yeah, I've heard you.

55:35 David Alan Grier That's true.

55:36 Adam That's good.

55:37 David Alan Grier I'm getting a little, can I throw one down? Because now I'm feeling it. Have you ever noticed like...

55:48 Adam You got it.

55:48 Drew Wait, hold on.

55:49 Adam Come on.

55:49 David Alan Grier That's fine.

55:50 David Alan Grier No, you know what I noticed? When you eat cheese doodles and you get that cheese doodle dust on your finger, the orange cheese, what's up with that?

56:00 David Alan Grier You know, that's my time, y'all. Enjoy the policy show I'm about.

56:05 David Alan Grier That's good.

56:06 David Alan Grier Love you, Bray. I mean, Ontario. Did you like that?

56:11 Adam Yeah, that was good.

56:12 David Alan Grier Wait, let me hit you one more. Let me hit you one more.

56:15 Adam Hit you one more.

56:16 Do one more.

56:17 Adam Do another eating one.

56:19 David Alan Grier That was better. Oh, I forgot.

56:23 Adam All right. But still, that's funny.

56:25 David Alan Grier Yeah, well, I'll get it. I will get it. Oh, wait. Oh, no, no, no.

56:28 Drew This is a good follow up.

56:29 Adam Do one of these. OK, we'll get to Jason. I'm just saying, do one of these, like, imagine if the president was black jokes.

56:37 David Alan Grier Oh, yeah.

56:37 Adam I mean, those are funny.

56:38 David Alan Grier What's up with that, man? Everybody watching the press conference?

56:41 David Alan Grier Oh, yeah. Yeah. Next next question.

56:44 David Alan Grier Yes. So President Bush, you know, it's all straight, you know, imagine if, you know, like a brother, you know, was president.

56:48 David Alan Grier Hey, what's up?

56:50 David Alan Grier Man, what you asking me them question for? Can I prolapse your anus? That's my time. I'm about. Thanks a lot.

56:56 David Alan Grier Yeah, yeah, I love that.

56:59 Adam Yeah, that's good stuff.

57:01 David Alan Grier Thanks, man.

57:01 Adam Jason.

57:05 Caller Hello.

57:06 Adam What's happening? You're 18. You have a question for DAG?

57:09 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. I was wondering, how did he get started in the old comedy scene? Like, like, how did you start? Like, what did you do? Did you just like drop out of school?

57:22 Drew No, he went to, he went to Yale.

57:24 David Alan Grier Next caller. I want to say.

57:24 Drew He went to the Yale School of Dramatic Arts.

57:26 David Alan Grier I did.

57:26 Drew Yeah. But I didn't start.

57:28 David Alan Grier I was a class clown. I was a class clown.

57:30 Drew Wait, tell me your pedigree, though.

57:32 David Alan Grier I wanted to be an actor.

57:33 Drew And you went to University of Michigan, right?

57:36 David Alan Grier I went to University of Michigan.

57:37 Drew And then? Yeah!

57:54 Adam Yeah.

57:55 David Alan Grier That's when I started doing comedy.

57:57 Adam That's when I started.

57:57 Caller The whole class clown thing doesn't really work out with school and doesn't really balance well. You can't really excel at the school if you're a clown, you know?

58:07 David Alan Grier One time I got kicked out of class. Class is like 40 minutes. I got kicked out four times. That's like once every 10 minutes.

58:14 Drew In the same class?

58:14 David Alan Grier Yeah, from one class.

58:15 Drew Was that in high school?

58:17 David Alan Grier No, it was elementary school. And this is Mrs. Von Otten was her name.

58:21 Adam Was that over at Cas Tech?

58:23 David Alan Grier No, it was Schultz Elementary School, dude. She had suffered a stroke, but she survived it. And she would sneak up on you and smack you between your shoulder blades, like right at the base of your neck with all of her. That's when you could whoop.

58:34 Adam Oh, yeah.

58:35 David Alan Grier As she would go, bam and knock you out.

58:40 Drew And Cas Tech don't take no jive.

58:41 David Alan Grier Yeah.

58:43 Adam One, two, three, four, five.

58:44 David Alan Grier Cas Tech don't take no jive. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Ben Dover, man, go stick it in, Ben Dover. All right.

58:50 Drew What?

58:51 David Alan Grier Well, that's a real lyric.

58:52 Drew That was the part we didn't get last time.

58:54 David Alan Grier All right. Next caller. Let's save some babies. That's how I started, though, brother. Get out of there.

58:57 Drew David, but the comedy thing is not part of Yale School of Dramatic Arts.

59:01 David Alan Grier It's not part of anything. It wasn't until Living Color got on. Like I had comic friends, you know, Keenan I knew and I knew Robert Townsend, who introduced me to all those guys. And we'd hang out in these comedy clubs. And I started doing spots, they call it. That's, well, I'll let Adam tell you my business phrases. Adam, you want to pick up on, what's a spot?

59:21 Adam Well, he would come in and do 20 minutes.

59:23 Drew 20 minutes.

59:24 Adam Well, you don't start like, you start at 20. He opened mic night.

59:28 David Alan Grier Oh, yeah.

59:29 Adam You know, people knew him, by the way, back then.

59:32 Drew Looks like he's in pain.

59:33 David Alan Grier Well, this is my showbiz voice.

59:36 Drew I had to do that twice and then never to stand up again.

59:38 David Alan Grier Well, that is, if that's not hell, man, you stand in line with crackheads, homeless people.

59:42 Drew Yeah.

59:43 Adam They knew me as the white Tommy Davidson. I didn't take the compliment.

59:47 David Alan Grier Because you got so much energy, man.

59:48 Adam I think that's what it was.

59:49 David Alan Grier I see stuff.

59:50 Adam They call me that. I don't know why.

59:52 David Alan Grier Next caller.

59:52 Adam David?

59:53 David Alan Grier Sir.

59:53 David Alan Grier Hey, how's it going, guys?

59:54 Adam 19? What's up? Yeah, we're the chicks. Go ahead, David.

59:59 First of all, I just wanted to say how much I adore all three of you guys.

1:00:03 Adam Thank you.

1:00:03 Drew Adore.

1:00:04 Caller Thank you.

1:00:05 And pretty much, I got a problem with my farts.

1:00:09 Adam Fair much. You know, you can relate with me, Adam.

1:00:13 Drew No, Adam's actually jealous.

1:00:15 Adam Yeah, I am, because my farts don't smell bad.

1:00:17 Oh, really?

1:00:17 David Alan Grier Who told you that?

1:00:18 Adam Now, they make a lot of noise. I have had some.

1:00:21 Drew When he wallops a punch, watch out. But most of the time, mm-hmm.

1:00:26 David Alan Grier Who stunk out that old chair in the other studio? Because that one had butt fumes embedded in it.

1:00:32 Drew He actually gets the stuff into the soundboards.

1:00:34 Adam That's like us working in under roast.

1:00:35 David Alan Grier Dude, I'm not kidding, man. I was like, I watched all my clothes. I was like, this cannot be admitted from my fundillo.

1:00:41 Adam Well, let me ask this, Drew. Yeah. You, for instance, have a more potential than I do in the Anis department.

1:00:49 Drew You tested with the bacteria that live in your colon.

1:00:51 Adam Right. Now, I pop out. Here's the thing. One out of every 35 farts of mine has a little punch to it. You're more like one in three. Right.

1:01:01 Drew Yeah. My deal is if it's coming, it's coming. Your thing is it can come with lots of noise, lots of air, and then nothing.

1:01:07 Adam Yeah.

1:01:07 Drew And then all of a sudden, he'll get on a roll one night. Watch out.

1:01:10 David Alan Grier I hate to digress, but you know the therapist who's the hooker on the site? I want to meet you.

1:01:16 Drew The one we called here that one time?

1:01:18 David Alan Grier Yeah. Well, she called twice.

1:01:19 Drew Were you on the show that night?

1:01:20 David Alan Grier No, but I was listening. She called twice.

1:01:22 Drew Why do you want to meet her? It's a very disturbed person.

1:01:24 David Alan Grier Yeah. Therapist hooker lady, please. I would love to meet you.

1:01:28 Drew Why?

1:01:29 David Alan Grier I just want to bring her up on stage and talk to her. I'd like to interview her.

1:01:32 Drew Oh, you got a bit planned.

1:01:33 David Alan Grier It's something's wrong with that.

1:01:34 Drew No kidding.

1:01:35 David Alan Grier Did you ever see her though? There's something dingy. I don't I don't buy that whole thing.

1:01:39 Adam DAG's attracted to her.

1:01:40 David Alan Grier I am. Call me knucklehead Johnson.

1:01:42 Drew You don't think that she's doing it or?

1:01:44 David Alan Grier Either she's not hot, she's missing a limb. I mean, the way she's painting is like, I look like Mary Tyler Moore.

1:01:53 David Alan Grier I give BJs on the weekend and I heal people during the week.

1:01:56 David Alan Grier It's cool.

1:01:57 Drew People that have been abused or have been through some heavy trauma just really don't perceive some of the things that you're supposed to perceive.

1:02:03 David Alan Grier I have it all under control.

1:02:04 Adam Hello.

1:02:05 Drew Yeah, we're supposed to be maintaining boundaries for people.

1:02:07 David Alan Grier I don't do it all at the same time. I'm not stupid.

1:02:09 Adam Five minutes ago, we were talking about My Beloved Farts.

1:02:11 Drew Yes.

1:02:12 Adam And then we got to David.

1:02:13 David Alan Grier Next caller.

1:02:14 Adam All I'm saying is this. Come on, Drew. Do people have bacteria in them? And that's about it.

1:02:19 Drew That's what lives there. That's just like the vaginal flora lives in a certain ecosystem.

1:02:24 Adam Yes.

1:02:24 Drew That's your colon too. And if you give one, you have bacteria that will produce methane, they'll produce.

1:02:29 Adam There's nothing you wouldn't do to change that.

1:02:31 Drew Nothing. Well, antibiotics.

1:02:31 David Alan Grier What about those pills? They had these pills at Breath Assure or something.

1:02:34 Drew Yeah, they didn't do a damn thing really.

1:02:36 David Alan Grier I got something. It just hit me, Adam. Write this down. Get your pencil out.

1:02:39 Adam I got it out.

1:02:39 David Alan Grier Butassure.

1:02:40 Adam Butassure.

1:02:41 David Alan Grier Butassure.

1:02:43 Adam It has all the health benefits of margarine.

1:02:45 Drew I think the A and a sure will probably be a little bit more.

1:02:47 David Alan Grier A and a sure. They never say A and a sure. A and a sure. A and a sure. And it looks like what? A bullet.

1:02:54 Adam Suppository. Right up.

1:02:55 Drew Reduce risk of prolapse.

1:02:57 David Alan Grier There you go. Yo, A and a's will not prolapse with Butassure.

1:03:00 Adam Now that makes your fart smell good, like if you have a big date or something.

1:03:03 David Alan Grier It's like a mint.

1:03:04 Drew It's a mint that goes in the other end.

1:03:05 David Alan Grier Or you can do like, you know, flowered flavor, coffee, if you want to be manly, tobacco.

1:03:09 Drew What's that? Peppermint. Let's be serious.

1:03:11 Adam That's nice.

1:03:12 David Alan Grier That'd be nice.

1:03:13 Drew Butassure.

1:03:13 Adam Would that work?

1:03:14 Drew No.

1:03:14 Adam No.

1:03:15 David Alan Grier Okay.

1:03:16 Drew All right.

1:03:16 David Alan Grier Are we done with David?

1:03:17 Drew But it's an interesting idea.

1:03:18 David Alan Grier Come on, let's market it. Let's put it on the website and see if people buy it. Like the erection growing pills.

1:03:25 Drew They'll buy it. Buy anything.

1:03:27 David Alan Grier Butassure.

1:03:28 Adam Maria?

1:03:29 Hello?

1:03:30 Adam You're 16?

1:03:31 Caller Yep.

1:03:32 Adam What's up?

1:03:33 Caller Wait, let me put it on speaker. Speaker? Uh-oh. Yeah, sorry. Saturday, me and my parents were out and they just had a big fallout. Like, my dad was telling me about how my mom had affairs and my mom was telling me how my dad was abusive. And they're on the brink of divorce. And I don't know whether I should tell them, like, to get back together or to just...

1:03:54 Drew Alright. Are you the only child?

1:03:56 Caller There's, like, four other kids.

1:03:58 Drew And how old are they?

1:03:59 Caller They're, oh, like, 13, 12, 9, and 8.

1:04:03 Drew They should stay together.

1:04:06 David Alan Grier Can I ask a question? Have they ever... Have you ever heard them arguing like this before?

1:04:10 Caller Um, occasionally? Like, when they would, they would take it, like, somewhere else so we wouldn't listen.

1:04:16 Drew Well, Maria, urge them to get some marital counseling, some professional help.

1:04:21 Caller I am. Like, yesterday, when they had their big fallout, like, I was the referee, you know, I'm sitting there yelling at my dad, you're 40 years old, you shouldn't know what you're doing. I'm telling your mom, you shouldn't be messing with other guys. What are you doing?

1:04:31 Drew Maria, but that is, this is a disaster for you. This is not, you do not deserve to be the parent. Oh, I know you've got a couple of infants fighting here.

1:04:39 Adam She's 16 now, two short years before Dave swoops in.

1:04:42 Caller You're not kidding.

1:04:43 David Alan Grier We're gonna have to ask you, we're gonna have to ask you to leave your number so we can monitor you.

1:04:47 Drew Because this is one of Dave's.

1:04:48 David Alan Grier Because I'll be calling in two years.

1:04:51 Caller I don't know, because, it's like they're both really unsatisfied with the relationship and everything else.

1:04:57 Drew They believe me, they will find more people to have chaos and unsatisfying relationships with. The fact is, there's five, seven people involved here.

1:05:04 Adam But she doesn't, she doesn't.

1:05:05 Drew Keep this family together.

1:05:06 Adam Wait a minute, Drew, you're talking to her like she's one of the parents.

1:05:10 Drew What I'm saying, this is the link to the next part.

1:05:11 Adam You're gonna give her an eating disorder.

1:05:12 Drew No, you're absolutely right. So Maria, all you can do really is take care of yourself.

1:05:17 Caller One of the factors that they're staying together is because they have kids.

1:05:20 Drew I know, they should keep the family together, but they need to get some help in doing it so it doesn't devolve into some sort of horrible situation. So really urge them to get help. Tell them on behalf of those kids, please get some professional help and then you take care of yourself, not them.

1:05:35 David Alan Grier And at least tell them the next time when they argue, they should not do that in front of you or the kids because they're damaging you.

1:05:41 Caller That's what I told them like yesterday. I told them, oh, I don't want to be a part of this. I shouldn't be the one telling you guys not to fight. And I'm going to tell the kids not to listen to you guys and to tune you guys out when you guys are fighting again. And yesterday I suggested that they do counseling.

1:05:56 Drew Good, Maria, but you need to help yourself to get a lot of good friends around you.

1:05:59 David Alan Grier Also, Maria, you sound like you're really intelligent. You really have it together. And I want to compliment you on that. But just put this in your little change purse. If you ever screw up, mama's got a loaded gun. Oh, well, I guess I didn't screw up as bad as you and dad did arguing in front of me when I was a little kid.

1:06:16 Adam That's right.

1:06:17 David Alan Grier Always bring that in the hip pocket.

1:06:19 Adam Hold on, Maria. Look, I'm telling you, get involved with your friends, get involved with school.

1:06:25 Drew Take care of yourself.

1:06:26 Adam You're not a marriage counselor.

1:06:28 Drew Not them.

1:06:28 David Alan Grier You're still a child.

1:06:29 Caller I have a high grade point average, and I'm already.

1:06:31 Drew No, I know.

1:06:32 Adam Go far away to college.

1:06:33 Drew Don't be busy being perfect for everybody else.

1:06:35 David Alan Grier Take care of your own needs.

1:06:37 Adam Yeah.

1:06:37 David Alan Grier Oh, don't go far.

1:06:38 Adam Oh, the parents, it starts spilling stuff onto the kids. Your mother's a whore.

1:06:43 David Alan Grier Yeah.

1:06:44 Adam And all that kind of stuff.

1:06:45 David Alan Grier Oh, at least I'm not a junkie.

1:06:47 David Alan Grier I went out with, I won't even be a good boy.

1:06:49 Adam Come on, come on.

1:06:50 David Alan Grier When I was in high school, I went out with this girl. She was like my girlfriend. I was 16. She was 15. She was like, you know, you want to come home for lunch? And I was like, sure. Beautiful house. You know, we're sitting down and we're eating and the dad, I was like, how are you, Mr. So-and-so? I was like, nice to meet you, son. And the wife, my my my girlfriend's mom.

1:07:09 Drew I'm playing it as white anyway.

1:07:11 David Alan Grier I went through the black version. But the mom says, honey, do you want some sauce? No, do you want some salt? Yeah. And he turns. Everything was cool. He turns. He goes, I can't even repeat the expletives.

1:07:23 David Alan Grier She was like, it should have been here the first night. You leave me at the table. Give me the salt.

1:07:31 Drew And I was like, oh my God.

1:07:33 David Alan Grier Oh my God. Nobody flinched. It was her, me, her, her sisters. She brought the salt, sat down.

1:07:40 David Alan Grier We ate and we split.

1:07:42 David Alan Grier And up to this day, I've never in my life seen something like, they got a divorce after that, but yo, this dude was crazy.

1:07:50 Adam Well, maybe it was just a ploy to get you out of the daughter's life because Drew, she came out of the closet.

1:07:55 David Alan Grier She came out of the closet a year later. No, she came out of the closet a year later. She loved Black Dykes. She, oh yeah. She was one of the best.

1:08:03 Drew You have a way about that, don't you?

1:08:04 David Alan Grier Well, she was one of the best crazy girlfriends I've ever had in my life. She went on to Harvard.

1:08:10 Drew You are speaking to a guy who has a… And we talked to that girl during Watches of Harvard. I'm just stripping because I needed some extra money. It's not a big deal. What's a big deal? I needed the money.

1:08:21 David Alan Grier I plan on being a therapist, hold on, and a hooker.

1:08:24 Adam All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. Drew, when suitors start coming around wanting to date your daughter, she brings her boyfriend…

1:08:30 Drew I'm going to do all kinds of weird things.

1:08:32 David Alan Grier You don't do a personality test like they do with Scientology, man.

1:08:35 Drew It's a good idea.

1:08:36 Adam Oh, Drew, well…

1:08:38 David Alan Grier I got some ideas for you, and it's always loaded, dude. In other words, they can't pass.

1:08:44 Drew Oh, no kidding.

1:08:44 David Alan Grier You say, you know what? I'm going to give you the keys to my car.

1:08:47 Drew I'll show my daughter. But here's the graph, honey.

1:08:49 David Alan Grier If you guys can spend the night, all you got to do is do my 10 questions. If you score high enough, there's the keys to my car, and we'll let you use the house.

1:08:58 Adam You know what would be really funny is if I got hold of the kid first. I'd put an IFP in his ear. We just put a little speaker thing in his ear. And Drew, he'd be coming in, and he'd be like, Hi, Dr. Drew.

1:09:12 David Alan Grier Hi, Dr. Drew.

1:09:13 Adam And he'd be like, What's your GPA? None of your goddamn business point.

1:09:18 David Alan Grier You'd be the kid.

1:09:20 David Alan Grier How you doing, Dr. Drew? How you doing, Mr. Drew? I would like to prolapse the anus of your daughter. Where you going, man? What did I say?

1:09:30 Adam No, Drew, you ask him and I'll be in his ear.

1:09:32 Drew So, David, what do you study now? Are you in high school or college?

1:09:36 Adam Studying how to kick the white man's ass.

1:09:38 David Alan Grier I'm studying how to kick the white man's ass.

1:09:41 Drew Oh, that's very nice. What religious persuasion are you?

1:09:45 Adam Why don't you quit pushing, honky?

1:09:46 David Alan Grier Why don't you quit pushing, honky?

1:09:48 Drew I see. Did you finish high school?

1:09:51 Adam You're going to give your daughter an eating disorder. Do you want to give me one too?

1:09:54 Drew What?

1:09:56 Adam Break down on that ass, baby.

1:09:58 David Alan Grier I'm going to give your daughter something to eat on. Oh, wait.

1:10:00 Caller What did you say?

1:10:05 David Alan Grier Let me get back into the group. No, don't repeat what I'm saying. Don't repeat what I'm saying. You idiot.

1:10:23 David Alan Grier Oh, that's what it sound like?

1:10:26 Adam All right.

1:10:26 Drew It's a movie. I see it now. I can see it. It's coming together.

1:10:29 Adam DAG, otherwise known as David Alan Grier.

1:10:31 Drew Loveline the Movie.

1:10:32 Adam Otherwise known as My Main Man. In studio tonight. We'll be right back after this. Loveline.

1:10:37 Caller Okay, wait, wait.

1:10:39 Adam My hair, my hair.

1:10:40 David Alan Grier We'll be right back.

1:10:56 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, David Alan Grier.

1:11:01 David Alan Grier What's up, man?

1:11:02 Adam My main man in studio tonight. He's gonna be at the Ontario Improv Thursday, Friday. Saturday and Sunday.

1:11:08 David Alan Grier Shut up!

1:11:09 Adam Four big days out there.

1:11:12 David Alan Grier You know, Adam, before we continue on with our healing, I just want to do a shout out for a second and thank probably the hardest working men and women in the universe. I'm talking about the California Highway Patrol. They just do a wonderful job. And I just wanted to thank each and every one of them.

1:11:32 Drew We gotta translate this.

1:11:35 Adam Dave's been pulled over a few times.

1:11:38 David Alan Grier They are the most fabulous, hard workingest guys, especially along Highway 5 between here and San Franski. They're the best, the best of all times.

1:11:49 Adam How about those signs bragging how many tickets they've handed out in certain areas?

1:11:53 David Alan Grier For a thousand tickets a month.

1:11:55 Adam Yeah, that's nice. And it would have been fifteen hundred if they gave Dave his.

1:11:59 David Alan Grier Right. How dare you?

1:12:01 Adam They let him off.

1:12:02 David Alan Grier How dare you?

1:12:03 Adam Yeah.

1:12:03 David Alan Grier You get sucked into it. It's like a gateway drug. You just don't.

1:12:09 Drew You got a motorcycle?

1:12:10 David Alan Grier No, no, no, no, no. I'm on my picket.

1:12:12 David Alan Grier I'll call it my house.

1:12:14 David Alan Grier My house. I got the DVD going. I got everything.

1:12:16 Adam Let me say this, first off, when traffic permits, isn't it time we raise the speed limit when traffic permits? I mean, how long?

1:12:25 David Alan Grier How far?

1:12:25 Adam Well, here's what I'm saying, Dave, you're you like a fine automobile.

1:12:29 David Alan Grier I certainly do.

1:12:31 Adam You look back at the cars when the speed limit was set in the seventies or the sixties or whatever. I mean, my mom drove a VW Squareback the whole time. I was a kid, the thing had drum brakes all the way around. The thing, I mean, things started to shimmy when you broke the 55 mile an hour speed limit or barrier, she called it. It had a four speed attack. You know, when you got to 70, the attack was up about 5,500 rpm, smoke barreling, I don't think. And if you had to stop, each wheel would take take turns locking up, being pulled right, being pulled left. I mean, now, I mean, if you take a bone stock Corvette, the thing has like ZR rated tires. It's got the McPherson suspension. It's got everything as a smart, active four wheel drive. Everything car gets lowers. It goes faster. I mean, you can drive to anti lock brakes, airbags everywhere, crush zones, just the way the car handles. I mean, you're driving one of these old cars. If you had to swerve around a deer or something, you're just rolling.

1:13:31 David Alan Grier So in other words, you're saying no speed limits because technology will stop us.

1:13:36 David Alan Grier Well, hold on there. Is that what you're saying?

1:13:38 David Alan Grier Because I'd like to rebut that.

1:13:39 Drew No, no, no, no, is that what you're saying?

1:13:42 David Alan Grier No, just say yes or no, because I have something to say. Yes or no. Okay, well, now I'm Adam Corolla, okay? Hey, you know, I want to stop war, Dr. Drew. So why don't we just strap bazookas on our foreheads?

1:13:54 David Alan Grier Everybody in the world walking around. You're not going to mess with me now because I'll blow my bazooka in your face.

1:13:59 Adam No more war.

1:14:00 David Alan Grier I'm a rapist. Does not work.

1:14:03 David Alan Grier You want to tangle? Let's bossanova, baby.

1:14:05 Adam All right, let's bossanova. Here's what I'm saying. Airplanes 50 years ago, airplanes went 300 miles an hour. Now, they go 550 or 600. Why? Because they can.

1:14:17 David Alan Grier Right. You know what? That is so asinine. We have spaceships, Adam. Spaceships that go where? To outer space.

1:14:25 Drew And you know what happens? I'll be looking for them.

1:14:29 Caller Very couple.

1:14:30 Drew The Discovery Health Channel. Not for the show. The Discovery Health Channel.

1:14:35 David Alan Grier We got spaceships.

1:14:36 Adam Chris, again, turn your head and pot your mic down if you feel you have to cough.

1:14:40 David Alan Grier Well, I'm in to my rant.

1:14:41 Drew OK.

1:14:42 David Alan Grier I mean, we got it.

1:14:45 David Alan Grier Watch out.

1:14:46 Adam He's spraying. Turn your head. Oh, thank God he's asleep.

1:14:53 Drew Oh, he's awake again.

1:14:55 David Alan Grier I couldn't follow through.

1:14:56 David Alan Grier I watched a film last night where David Alan Grier got it on with a midget.

1:14:59 Caller It was awesome.

1:15:00 Drew Really? What film was that, Pritel?

1:15:02 David Alan Grier He was wearing a wig. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm going to go now. Pink suit. I got to go.

1:15:06 Adam What was it called? Or was it just footage from Chuck Sherry's?

1:15:09 David Alan Grier OK, it wasn't a pink suit.

1:15:10 Drew The Clown?

1:15:11 David Alan Grier No, it was called Tiptoes. Bridget the Midget. I really got it on with a banger on a glass top table.

1:15:18 Adam Really?

1:15:19 David Alan Grier Gary Oldman was in this. Played a midget. Kate Beckinsale.

1:15:23 Adam What year?

1:15:24 David Alan Grier It was just a few, like three years ago. Matthew McConaughey was in it.

1:15:28 David Alan Grier Wow.

1:15:30 David Alan Grier Why did I do it?

1:15:30 Adam Well, no, why did they do it? Dude. You, I could understand. Matthew McConaughey.

1:15:36 David Alan Grier He gave me this little Richard wig, and I was like, maybe this is a good thing.

1:15:41 Adam Who gave you that wig?

1:15:41 David Alan Grier The director. And he's like, I play this guy who's like a bad version of Sammy Davis Jr., but he has this fetish for... I swallowed most of it in the chocky parts.

1:15:50 Adam Please do.

1:15:51 Adam And part of that.

1:15:54 David Alan Grier So we're there. We have our clothes on, and we're doing the simulated banging. And I had no idea that Bridget was actually a porn star. She is. Am I right? Bridget. Oh, yeah. I've seen her work since then. And so it's like they have a film crew, then they have two video cameras, and they have like tons of people there. Gary Olden is behind me, and they go, action. And so I actually started getting aroused. Now, first of all, how are you dressed? Well, I had a cape on, a big wig, and the pants down, nothing touching because we're closed, you know, and it was shot from behind. But I'm telling you, you know, something's happening down there. And I'm like, at first, I was mortified. Then I was surprised because never with all these people.

1:16:36 Drew You would be surprised.

1:16:37 David Alan Grier And you've asked this question.

1:16:38 Drew No one has ever honestly answered it.

1:16:40 David Alan Grier I swear to you. And at that point, I looked down and at this little person that she's obviously she's wonderful, she's a wonderful person. And I just shut it down. Dr. Drew, like an astronaut, I was like, all systems shut down, please. I made it like shut down, abortion, abortion. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it and it all shut down. And we got through it.

1:16:59 Adam Were you wearing underpants?

1:17:00 David Alan Grier Yeah, I was wearing underpants. I turned around and Gary Oldham was laughing so hard. Tears were rolling down his face. And I just I was walking back to my trailer and she goes, God, I never thought I would just kind of F David Alan Grier. And she walks away. Bridget. I was like, hey, wait a minute. That was a film that didn't happen.

1:17:18 Adam She was walking back to Barbie's Corvette and Little Baby Steps, too. Wow. Hey, Anderson, did you enjoy the movie?

1:17:26 David Alan Grier It was pretty bad.

1:17:28 Drew Yeah, there we go.

1:17:28 David Alan Grier Yeah, it was bad.

1:17:29 Drew You know what?

1:17:31 David Alan Grier Yeah, it was good.

1:17:32 David Alan Grier David was great in it. Thanks a lot, man.

1:17:35 Drew All right.

1:17:36 Gary Oldman played a midget.

1:17:37 Drew That was awesome.

1:17:38 David Alan Grier Yeah. And they didn't use special effects either, though. He walked around on his knees the whole time.

1:17:43 Drew Really?

1:17:43 David Alan Grier He tried. I heard he tried to like block the release of it. There was a Sundance last year. There was a... Did he really try and block the release? That's what I heard, because they took the movie away from Matthew Bright, the director, who's a good friend. Is that what happened? Because it was not a Matthew Bright film, as far as I could tell. Well, because it was re-cut and he tried to protest, but enough about my career.

1:18:04 Adam Well, we'll see.

1:18:05 David Alan Grier If you want to ask me more questions, why don't you come down and tell me.

1:18:07 Adam Just look forward to Bewitched. I think I saw that on the airplane by the way. Elise?

1:18:12 Caller Yeah.

1:18:13 Adam You're twenty one?

1:18:15 Caller I am.

1:18:16 Adam What's up?

1:18:17 Caller Oh, I'm so sleepy when you guys. Yeah, there's some personality going on this show tonight.

1:18:22 David Alan Grier You're not used to that, are you?

1:18:23 Adam Evidently not enough to keep you awake. I wake up every night.

1:18:26 Caller This is one of the best ones.

1:18:27 David Alan Grier One of the best ones? Interesting. Not the best one, just one of the best ones.

1:18:31 Drew The killers were a lot better. Anyway, I beg your pardon, I didn't say that.

1:18:35 Caller The issue is, I went out to dinner with a good friend of mine tonight, and she's telling me that she has never ever had an orgasm. She's 21 too. And so I was kind of just curious because I've never heard that from anybody. Now, the thing is, like, any woman can have an orgasm, right? But not every woman can have orgasm through sex.

1:18:58 Drew No. Here's the way it breaks down. Most women cannot have orgasm with sex. Some women, like a small percentage, maybe 5% or so, have great difficulty having orgasm at all for a variety of reasons.

1:19:11 Adam It might, maybe 20% under 25.

1:19:14 Drew Under 25, it gets much higher. Under 22, it gets much, much higher.

1:19:17 David Alan Grier What about the multiple orgasm?

1:19:19 Drew And then there's about close to 10% that have, that take them all away from everybody else. They have multiple, multiple orgasms.

1:19:25 Adam DAG always get, his women always pay off like a slot machine because they're crazy. He only hooks up with the crazy ones.

1:19:31 David Alan Grier That's not true. I've been to some of the best women in the world.

1:19:33 David Alan Grier By the way, Dr. Drew.

1:19:34 Adam You get the same chick. It's a humbling experience in a sec.

1:19:36 David Alan Grier By the way, wait a minute.

1:19:37 David Alan Grier Doctor, I just wanted to know how long have you had a vagina?

1:19:39 David Alan Grier Cause you seem to know every damn thing. You know, oh, this is this, there's there.

1:19:43 David Alan Grier You don't have, you don't ever want to touch your boobies when you're down in your stinky spot.

1:19:47 David Alan Grier How do you know Mr. Smartass?

1:19:49 Adam That's right. He makes it.

1:19:50 David Alan Grier I'm sick of it.

1:19:51 Adam David makes a very valid point, Drew.

1:19:53 David Alan Grier And he's all cool. He's all cool about, well, the outer labia, what's known as the screen door to their love box.

1:20:00 Adam Yeah. He thinks his poop barely stinks. And I say a lot of people say he thinks his poop doesn't stink.

1:20:05 David Alan Grier His radio. Look at him. You are like Mr. Big Shot.

1:20:08 Drew I'm twirling.

1:20:09 David Alan Grier Look at that.

1:20:10 Adam All right, Drew, how do you respond to whatever David said?

1:20:12 Drew Oh, my poop does stink. My poop does stink.

1:20:13 Adam Okay. All right. So Elise.

1:20:15 Drew I'm a rapist.

1:20:16 Adam It needs to, Elise needs to just tell her friend that.

1:20:22 Drew That women that have difficulty, A, need a medical assessment to see if maybe there's some medication or some thyroid bar or something else might be going on hormonally. It was just she's cycling normally this sort of thing. That's A, number one. Number two is we found through talking to, through not actually owning a vagina, but talking to many, many women this show, that those that have difficulty sort of come online and they're in an intimate relationship. It's very difficult for them to masturbate sometimes. They can't find that sort of intimate biology.

1:20:47 Adam One night stands are tough.

1:20:48 David Alan Grier But you have to let go. I think a lot of it, especially for younger women, you got to relax, feel comfortable, feel safe.

1:20:55 Drew But think about how kind of we think of as a male.

1:20:58 David Alan Grier Right.

1:20:58 Drew That doesn't really pertain. Now, you know what I'm saying? And so I'm not sure it pertains that much to women. It's so much as feeling a certain way. It's not so much relaxation is part of it, but it's also sort of feeling. It's some sort of thing that doesn't.

1:21:13 David Alan Grier An emotional connection.

1:21:14 Drew Yeah, it's a connection with a process that isn't intellectual. You can't describe it.

1:21:19 David Alan Grier Not to digress, but this is man at its lowest. So I'm watching Real Sex or whatever on a porn shoot. And they have these guys who are like porn actors. And the guy's like, so sir, you're straight? And he goes, yeah, absolutely. I'm here with my chick. Just going to do this scene. Now, the scene is him pounding this other guy in his butt.

1:21:38 Drew Another guy.

1:21:39 David Alan Grier Oh yeah. And so they show the scene.

1:21:42 David Alan Grier The girl is there, rings like, go baby, go.

1:21:45 David Alan Grier I see you. I love you too.

1:21:47 David Alan Grier Cut.

1:21:47 David Alan Grier And they're like, okay, so you said, yeah, this is like a part. This is like I'm acting. Is it, you know, I'm just, I'm just a guy.

1:21:54 David Alan Grier Yeah.

1:21:55 David Alan Grier I'm like everybody else. Doesn't mean I'm gay.

1:21:57 David Alan Grier And they're really flaming directors behind the guy going, I don't know.

1:22:02 David Alan Grier Yeah, absolutely.

1:22:03 Adam Real sex is something I always, me and my scrotum have high hopes for whenever it comes on. But it always turns into some weird swinging, swingers thing in Florida with a bunch of ugly chicks. Who are 50. Yeah, it's just a disaster. There's no, no, you know, let me say this too. There should be a rating system for masturbation. Yeah. Whereas instead of, you know, they'll do it. They'll do like PG-13 or they'll do like some nudity, violence, graphic, this or that. How about a little star system of, can you whack to that?

1:22:34 Drew No, no, no, let's be serious. You need a Corolla scale. There you go. Corolla scale.

1:22:38 Adam However it is.

1:22:39 Drew It's four DAGs.

1:22:41 Adam However it is. You know, you're scanning through this late night TV, you'll see like Busty Cops or you'll see like these ones that say like Passion Island or something.

1:22:53 Drew Who's gonna rate it?

1:22:53 Adam Well, maybe this is something. Well, someone's gotta do it.

1:22:56 David Alan Grier I like my porn filthy. I do.

1:22:58 Drew What does that mean?

1:22:59 David Alan Grier I can describe it and I'll try to remain within guidelines. I usually, what I'm into right now is like chicks who are being jammed with stuff.

1:23:11 Drew Who is? One person?

1:23:12 David Alan Grier That one person, one woman, or it could be a couple, but they're being in every orifice.

1:23:19 Drew Multiple males around? Could be.

1:23:21 David Alan Grier Or one guy just going to town on her till like she's gagging, sweaty.

1:23:26 Adam With like a flugelhorn or something?

1:23:28 Drew Does he have to say don't look at me?

1:23:29 David Alan Grier No, it's all his stuff.

1:23:31 Adam All his stuff?

1:23:32 David Alan Grier All his stuff.

1:23:32 Drew But he has no-

1:23:33 David Alan Grier Not inanimate objects.

1:23:34 Drew No instruments or anything.

1:23:35 David Alan Grier No, no, no, no, no.

1:23:36 Adam He's just having intercourse.

1:23:38 David Alan Grier But I'm talking about bound and gagged and just like-

1:23:42 Drew You're scaring me.

1:23:43 Adam Yeah.

1:23:43 David Alan Grier Well, no, I mean, sometimes it gets me off. You know, I'm, that's where I'm at.

1:23:48 Adam Yeah.

1:23:49 Adam Just stands by. I love you. You would be, you would probably be, you would be mortified if you got into DAG's collection.

1:23:54 David Alan Grier I think I just said a little too much there.

1:23:57 Adam Let's take a break.

1:23:58 Caller Let's regroup.

1:23:59 David Alan Grier Hold on.

1:24:00 David Alan Grier Can you stop taping?

1:24:02 Adam That's out.

1:24:02 Drew Stop taping.

1:24:03 David Alan Grier Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, that's not out. That's not on the air.

1:24:05 Drew Yeah, we taped it on the air.

1:24:06 David Alan Grier Anderson, hey, Anderson, you want to cut that part out, OK?

1:24:09 Adam We can reboot. I've got the whole show, Dave.

1:24:11 David Alan Grier Thanks, man.

1:24:12 Adam We'll move forward from here.

1:24:13 David Alan Grier Dr., I was kidding.

1:24:14 Adam David Alan Grier.

1:24:15 David Alan Grier It was like that joke, you know, with the gag.

1:24:18 Adam My main man.

1:24:18 Drew Stopped it.

1:24:19 David Alan Grier You guys haven't been on air all night.

1:24:21 Adam Ontario Improv.

1:24:22 Caller I was kidding.

1:24:23 Drew Near Brea.

1:24:24 David Alan Grier Yeah.

1:24:25 Adam We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:24:32 Drew We'll be right back.

1:24:33 David Alan Grier Please hold.

1:24:48 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew and Dr. DAG in studio tonight. Going to be at the Ontario Improv.

1:24:56 David Alan Grier Shut up!

1:24:58 David Alan Grier That's nice.

1:24:58 Adam He's going to be there on the 21st through the 24th. That's his Thursday through Sunday. Yes. Now you're headlining, obviously. What do you do, about 40 minutes, 50 minutes?

1:25:10 Drew I do an hour, about an hour. An hour?

1:25:12 Adam That's a lot of material.

1:25:13 David Alan Grier 50 minutes, an hour.

1:25:14 Drew Wow.

1:25:15 David Alan Grier And none of it's like, you should talk.

1:25:20 David Alan Grier Where'd you get your clothes?

1:25:22 Adam Yeah.

1:25:24 David Alan Grier Is that your husband or your warden? That's funny.

1:25:30 Drew That's some funny stuff.

1:25:31 Adam It's good stuff.

1:25:31 David Alan Grier It's not going to be any of that stuff.

1:25:32 Drew No.

1:25:33 David Alan Grier Hey, turn the house lights up. Let me look at these jokers.

1:25:35 Adam People got to hear some jokes.

1:25:37 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

1:25:38 Adam Let's play a little Germany or Florida.

1:25:40 Drew Do you want to give us some of the theme song?

1:25:41 David Alan Grier No, because I've given you bastards several theme songs.

1:26:09 Adam Wow, big end, big Bob Fossey type number.

1:26:12 David Alan Grier I did an opera one. That was my favorite one.

1:26:15 Drew I can't find it. I told them that's what you're mad about.

1:26:17 David Alan Grier All right, you want to do it again?

1:26:18 Adam Yeah, we need to do it.

1:26:20 Drew Get the tape, Anderson. Here we go.

1:26:21 David Alan Grier Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

1:26:24 Adam Oh, is he right about that? You ready? That's not just a warm up. That is a way of life.

1:26:29 David Alan Grier Anderson, if you will.

1:26:32 David Alan Grier Germany of Florida, Germany of Florida, Germany of Florida, Germany of Florida.

1:26:45 Drew Wow, bravo. That takes training.

1:26:50 David Alan Grier Grandissimo.

1:26:51 Adam Wow, that was powerful stuff.

1:26:53 David Alan Grier Let's play some games. All right, I'm ready.

1:26:55 Drew What instruments did you play?

1:26:56 Adam Oh, come on.

1:26:57 David Alan Grier Clarinet and cello. Yeah, until I was a musician.

1:27:01 Drew He hides that.

1:27:02 David Alan Grier I was in serious. He took the cello and serious.

1:27:05 Adam How about a P magnet?

1:27:07 David Alan Grier I play I play guitar. That's what I really will.

1:27:10 Adam That's right.

1:27:10 Drew Huey's three. Three instruments and things that I bet.

1:27:13 David Alan Grier Let's each put in twenty dollars.

1:27:15 Adam Oh, really?

1:27:16 Adam Yeah, I'll do it.

1:27:17 Adam All right. Oh, now that's crazy for Drew.

1:27:20 Drew Now, but but but how do we win? We might all get it right.

1:27:25 David Alan Grier All right.

1:27:26 Adam I'll tell you what, we're going to ride it down. We're going to ride it down. We're not going to talk about to see what happens. Put the twenty out there.

1:27:31 Drew Here.

1:27:31 Adam Wow.

1:27:32 Drew Here we go.

1:27:32 Adam This is a lot of money. A lot of money right now.

1:27:35 Drew This better be good.

1:27:35 Adam And believe it, this will break Drew's back. He'll never forget this. All right. Oh, come on. Don't blow your gas around here.

1:27:42 David Alan Grier Can I get a pen, please?

1:27:44 Adam All right. Dave, could you fart in my face? I don't know to smell your bowels.

1:27:48 David Alan Grier Certainly will.

1:27:48 Adam All right.

1:27:49 David Alan Grier I just want to introduce my rectal gasses as brought to you by cauliflower, a fish taco and a bokeh burger.

1:27:59 Adam All right. Wait a minute. Are we running late for break or?

1:28:01 Drew No, no. We got four and five minutes.

1:28:02 Adam OK. Huey.

1:28:04 Hello.

1:28:04 Adam Give us a story.

1:28:06 OK. A 77 year old granny made a citizen's arrest when she tackled a 25 year old Jay Walker. The 77 year old sat on him until police arrived because he had walked across the road before the light turned green. The woman shouted at the man as he crossed the road before the green light. The old lady said she became even angrier when he pushed past her when he reached the other side of the road. She grabbed his hair and managed to wrestle him down to the ground where she sat on him until police arrived. He was taken to a local police station where he was fined for Jay walking. Germany or Florida.

1:28:38 David Alan Grier I got it.

1:28:40 Adam Hold on a second.

1:28:41 Adam Wow. This is tough.

1:28:43 Drew This is there's no there are no. There's a few little clues in there I think.

1:28:47 Adam It's not speaking to me.

1:28:49 David Alan Grier Very nicely done though. Very nicely done.

1:28:52 Drew Are you aware of this? You've heard this?

1:28:54 David Alan Grier Well, no. I mean, usually I've heard when the guys go. And when they took the.

1:28:59 Drew The dollars.

1:28:59 David Alan Grier They took the assailant back to Pompidou, he boy to Deutschland.

1:29:03 Adam All right. Does everyone have it?

1:29:04 Drew It's all done.

1:29:05 Adam Everyone have it? Put them in. Throw them in. Throw them in. Hold on. All right.

1:29:11 Adam There we go.

1:29:12 Adam Huey? Yeah. Germany or Florida? Germany.

1:29:18 Drew Did we all say Florida?

1:29:19 Adam I said Florida.

1:29:21 David Alan Grier I said Florida.

1:29:22 David Alan Grier We got to go to another one. Wait, wait, wait.

1:29:24 David Alan Grier We got to do it again.

1:29:25 Drew We got to do it again.

1:29:27 David Alan Grier Wow.

1:29:27 Drew Florida.

1:29:28 Adam Yeah.

1:29:29 David Alan Grier Guys, that's so obvious with an angry old German woman. Oh, please. He didn't say angry old German woman. Guys, that's so obvious when they started, you know, the CC.

1:29:39 David Alan Grier Kyle, the Hitler thing.

1:29:41 David Alan Grier In Florida, she would be like, all like haggis and like, you know, drunken out. There's no way.

1:29:45 Adam I don't know.

1:29:46 Drew I saw Florida.

1:29:46 Adam I didn't know it was illegal to jaywalk in Germany. Yeah.

1:29:50 Drew And the size, to be big enough and that old. It's a little Florida.

1:29:55 David Alan Grier And those roads in Florida are scary, man. Those like highway, two lane things.

1:29:59 Adam All right.

1:29:59 Well, look.

1:30:00 David Alan Grier Let's do another one. Either that or else let's save some kids who really need some medical advice.

1:30:05 Adam Huey, you have another one?

1:30:07 Caller I do not. But I have another question for Adam. Or for you, Adam, your wife really post on the Loveline Companion.

1:30:14 Adam Did she? What did she say anything on it?

1:30:17 Caller Yeah.

1:30:17 Adam Yeah. I think she has before.

1:30:20 Caller OK.

1:30:22 Drew All right.

1:30:23 David Alan Grier Let's say some babies.

1:30:24 Adam All right. We're saving some.

1:30:24 Drew Check out the new cartoon. I love my companion. That is very funny.

1:30:27 Adam By the way. Yeah.

1:30:29 David Alan Grier Do you have a website you guys do?

1:30:31 Drew We don't. But somebody does it for somebody started for us.

1:30:33 Adam But you should see this animated stuff.

1:30:35 Drew That's very funny.

1:30:35 David Alan Grier That's really great. Let's save some babies.

1:30:37 Adam I know you're not in it. You're not interested, but you want to enjoy it anyway.

1:30:40 David Alan Grier Well, perhaps you'd bring it to Ontario Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday.

1:30:43 Drew All right. We'll project it on the screen above that.

1:30:45 Adam Oh, I could get confused and go to brand, but I'll go down to be nice.

1:30:49 Drew All right.

1:30:50 Adam Let's talk to Mikey, who's 18. Mikey.

1:30:54 Drew Hey, get somebody back.

1:30:56 Adam Chris, pull up, pull up that love line companion. We'll show DAG the cartoon.

1:31:00 Drew Well, there's no way to get sound in here. Can we get sound in here?

1:31:02 David Alan Grier All right.

1:31:03 Drew You can't.

1:31:03 David Alan Grier Well, what's your problem?

1:31:04 Adam Go ahead, Mikey.

1:31:05 Caller So, I was with my girlfriend a couple of nights ago, and what happened is I guess we got a lot out of hand for the first time, and I guess we started having sex unprotected.

1:31:20 Drew Well, that can cause a pregnancy. That's possible.

1:31:23 Caller Yeah.

1:31:24 Drew How far into a cycle was she?

1:31:25 Caller Do you know? Yeah.

1:31:27 David Alan Grier Is that the question?

1:31:28 Caller Well, she has a weird cycle, but she hasn't had straight for a while.

1:31:33 Adam All right.

1:31:33 Drew Does she eat disorder or anything?

1:31:35 Adam No.

1:31:36 Drew You look at the counterfeit bill I gave you? You just parted.

1:31:41 David Alan Grier I hate two bags of Cheetos. I have a question.

1:31:45 Caller Yeah.

1:31:45 Drew Shields up.

1:31:48 Adam Oh, God.

1:31:49 Adam Hey, Mikey.

1:31:50 Caller Two questions. So, yeah.

1:31:52 Adam When was this?

1:31:53 Adam I don't know.

1:31:54 Caller A couple of nights ago.

1:31:55 Adam I don't know.

1:31:56 Drew It sounds a little bogus, doesn't it?

1:31:58 Adam Yeah.

1:31:58 David Alan Grier Why are you whispering? Is she there?

1:31:59 Drew It just sounded bogus. But listen. All right.

1:32:01 David Alan Grier Come on. I want to save some babies for her.

1:32:02 Drew Here's the deal. Somebody does. Oh, my God. DAG.

1:32:05 David Alan Grier Come on.

1:32:05 David Alan Grier Oh, oh, please. It's not that bad.

1:32:08 Drew Are we adults here at work?

1:32:09 David Alan Grier It's tortellini, a Boca burger, a little glass of cab in there to heat it up.

1:32:16 Drew Here's the deal. There is the possibility of...

1:32:17 David Alan Grier And a cigar.

1:32:18 Drew Yep. It's up to 72 hours, really up to five days, believe it or not, to take the morning after pill. But it's most effective in the first 48 hours. Up to 72 will give you about 75 percent effectiveness against causing a pregnancy.

1:32:28 David Alan Grier And stinky farts? Do I do the same thing?

1:32:30 Adam You know what would be the world's greatest wine expert, the guy who could tell the wine after the guy farted on it. It's assertive without being pushy. It has a nutty, rich flavor.

1:32:44 David Alan Grier Adam, I smell gym shoes and tobacco.

1:32:46 Drew You know what, Adam, this relationship that we have with DAG has finally reached the fart phase. It's really there. He was just burping before, but now we're in the fart. And with the Dutch Oven action.

1:32:56 David Alan Grier Hold up, hold up. Let's save some more babies.

1:32:58 Adam If it was a three-hour show, there would be, we would enter the semen phase.

1:33:01 David Alan Grier Semen phase, never.

1:33:02 David Alan Grier But I'll tell you what, it'd be, FLAG OUT!

1:33:05 Adam Yeah, we gotta take a quick break.

1:33:07 David Alan Grier I think I brodexed my anus.

1:33:08 David Alan Grier We'll be right back after this.

1:33:47 Adam Where did the time go?

1:33:52 David Alan Grier That's right.

1:33:53 David Alan Grier Prolapse anus.

1:33:55 Adam That would be, that was Drew's, that was his Jewish name, his Hebrew name was prolapsanus.

1:34:00 David Alan Grier Prolapsanus. This time, next time I come, there's gonna be a whole new pope.

1:34:05 Adam Oh yeah, we'll be looking forward to that. DAG and I won't be able to go in the vicar of Christ anymore. David Alan Grier gonna be in Ontario, 21st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th. You'll know it's Dave, he'll be the only black guy in Ontario. So, we'll take a look. Stendo breaking, until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew, saying mahalo.

1:34:25 David Alan Grier What'd I say? What'd I say?

1:34:27 David Alan Grier Well, I said, I got feelings for you, can I prolapse your anus?

1:34:35 Adam The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold.

1:34:45 Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, April 17, 2005