Episode 1000702590199

0:57 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:04 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

1:07 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline.

1:17 Adam With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Hey yo, it is the best of Loveline, man.

1:23 Drew It is the best.

1:24 Adam That is my echo, my shadow.

1:27 Drew Your shadow.

1:28 Adam Dr. Drew.

1:30 Drew In the hizzy.

1:31 Adam In the hizzy, everybody. We will get the festivities started with a guy who's one of the nicest guys in the industry.

1:41 That's true.

1:42 Adam And a humble man came in here.

1:44 Good actor, too.

1:45 Adam A great actor. A fine, fine, fine actor. Mr. Jason Bateman.

1:53 Hey, everybody.

1:54 Adam It's the Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Jason Bateman. Trooper. Jason Bateman in studio tonight. Success has not changed Jason. He was an actor before Arrested Development.

2:10 Drew Remains one now.

2:11 Adam Came around. He remains one today. And if I if I know Jason a year from now when he comes in, I just don't smell like one anymore. That's right. God bless Jason Bateman.

2:23 Drew Oh, you can't smell your own next endeavor.

2:25 Yeah, yes, you can.

2:27 Adam Everyone knows.

2:28 I'll show you during the next break.

2:29 Adam That's my favorite. Dog can't smell his own ass. Really? Spending 20 minutes sniffing it. Think he's looking for something that's not there. I would have walked away after 10. I got nothing. I think he smells it. Oh, yes. He wouldn't spend so much time hovering over it. I like that move, though. I like the foot move after the dog.

2:50 Drew The back legs.

2:52 I do.

2:52 Adam I like start incorporating that into my own BM session. Legs, feet slide on the tile. Wife having to explain other people's instinct.

3:04 I have a friend who uses the lid as a backrest while he evacuates his bells.

3:11 Adam Oh, he goes and pushes back.

3:13 Yeah, he leans back as if he's in like a barker lounger. And then and he's a front wiper, too.

3:18 Drew That's weird.

3:19 Adam Oh, front wiper. Oh, yeah.

3:20 Like like a woman wipes herself. That's how he does after he's done doing number two.

3:26 Drew Yeah.

3:26 It's just like, really? Like, is that easier for you?

3:30 Yeah.

3:30 Adam The front.

3:31 Yeah.

3:31 Don't your testicles get in the way, guys?

3:33 Adam Well, maybe they don't. Maybe they don't.

3:37 Drew Maybe that's if you're flipping in the front.

3:40 Yeah.

3:40 Adam Also, here's one of those things as long as we're on fecal matter.

3:44 Caller We can only really talk about it.

3:46 About 20 minutes.

3:49 Adam I, by the way, quick fecal matter story I told you, I had one of my grandmother's friends explain to me once that she heard me somewhere. She didn't know if it was on TV or on the radio. Talk about fecal matter for 40 minutes straight. And I said, well, it's impossible. They talked about it for 40 minutes because eventually we have to go to commercials. She's like, 40 minutes? And I'm like, I don't, for as God is my hand to God, 40 minutes you talk, 82. Just swore.

4:20 Drew It's possible.

4:21 Adam It's possible.

4:22 Drew I may be just confusing fecal matter and flatulence. Flatulence.

4:26 Adam Could have combined the two. Could have done 20 on each.

4:28 Drew No problem. All right.

4:30 Adam Let's let's let's stay on fecal matter, though.

4:32 Let's please let's not beat your record.

4:34 Adam Let's not digress. Yeah. The hand wipe. You go with the you go with the good hand or the bad hand? You know, left your your right hand, right? Your right hander. Right. Oh, great. Hand shake with the right hand. Well, you use your left instead of no, but I'm left handed and I go with the right.

4:56 Drew Oh, so you make sure it's the one you shake your hand with and eat with.

5:00 Adam Yeah. No, no, no. I'm left handed and I go with the right.

5:03 I'm the same way. I'm the same way. But I'm kind of ambidextrous. I write with the left. Wipe wipe with the right. Shake with the right. Throw with the right. I bat righty. I kick lefty. I eat lefty.

5:16 Adam You write with your left hand. You throw with your right hand.

5:20 Yes, sir.

5:21 Adam Wow. Do you do either one well? I mean, can you?

5:25 Yes, I do. Well, I do most things extremely well.

5:28 Adam Oh, no.

5:28 No. No. No, I'm quite good with both hands.

5:32 Adam Really?

5:33 In all areas.

5:34 Adam It's to... I know people get the legs mixed up and all that kind of stuff, but kicking... I mean, throwing and writing is pretty unique with different hands.

5:43 Drew You throw with the left.

5:44 Adam I throw with the left. I wipe with the right. I feel... I feel... You know why I like... I like my left. I feel like I want my good hand free in case there's trouble when I'm on the pot.

5:53 Could you wipe with the left if you had to in a pinch, so to speak?

5:56 Adam Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if there was some sort of situation... Disturbance. Like my right hand was caught in a bear trap and I was on the crapper, I could probably... I wouldn't want to. I'd probably call Drew in to wipe, but if I couldn't dial the cell phone with my nose, I would definitely wipe with my left. But I feel like I want my good hand free. You know what I mean? In case somebody barges in. If I have to ward off a troublemaker, to fight somebody off, I want the strong hand ready. You, Drew, are going to have your business hand up your toke when the killer comes into the bathroom.

6:32 Unlock your bathroom door.

6:33 Adam And you know what? You'll then be a statistic.

6:35 Drew I've thought this through very carefully. And I want to get the business taken care of as fast and efficiently as possible, so there's a limited period of time.

6:42 Adam Less vulnerability.

6:43 Drew For the hun to come bursting in the door. I figured that.

6:46 Beat them off with a plunger.

6:47 Drew The probability is substantially reduced by making it quick and efficient.

6:50 Caller You're probably right.

6:51 My wife hates this segment right now, by the way.

6:54 Caller All right.

6:54 Drew So does Anderson.

6:55 Adam We'll keep going. I won't tell you about the ants I urinated on that were near the sink.

7:00 Drew Today?

7:00 Adam Let me tell you. Today? Yeah, last night. Let me tell you what the problem with ants are. Once in a while, please, everyone be honest. Once in a while, there's nothing better than whizzing on ants. It's cathartic. It's strong. It's visceral. You've never whizzed on ants.

7:18 Well, how? What? Outside or in your house?

7:20 Drew Anim is the thing about ruining civilizations and things. You have to take snow globes and hold it next to his penis. Oh, the city is afraid, giant penis coming down.

7:29 Adam Well, everyone does that.

7:31 Drew And he pees on ants and toad.

7:33 Adam Here's all I'm saying. Here's the thing. Once in a while, there's some ants crawling on your toilet or on your sink or something, and you want to whiz on them. You want to whiz them down, right? All right. Now, here's where the problem comes. When they're right in on the part of the toilet where you hit them and it washes them into the toilet, it's fine. Once in a while, you get one that's just around the cusp. It's on the it's on the rim and it looks like it might go outside. You pull the trigger with the whiz. That's dangerous because it gets outside of the toilet. You see what I'm saying? Never whizzed on ants.

8:02 Caller The problem is that you have ants crawling around your toilet bowl. So you might want to look into your diet. Probably not fully digesting your food. You're leaving a little something for the ants.

8:12 Adam Write that down.

8:12 Caller Yeah.

8:13 Adam Yeah. Okay. So never whizzed on ants.

8:15 Caller Never.

8:16 Adam Wow. Wow. I'm sorry, Your Highness.

8:19 Drew You whizz in the sink regularly?

8:20 Caller I have done.

8:21 Adam Yeah.

8:22 Caller That's what I'm talking about. In a crowded bar bathroom.

8:25 Adam Sure. You got to do. You got to do what you got to do.

8:29 Caller He does.

8:29 Drew Jason does it when there's not a latrine or toilet pool available.

8:32 Adam All right. But if you don't train at home, how are you going to be ready when you're at a crowded bar?

8:37 Caller Oh, it's a very good point.

8:38 Drew How do I answer that?

8:39 Yeah, you can't.

8:40 Adam You just say to shame.

8:42 Drew Let's go.

8:43 Eddie.

8:43 Caller Yes.

8:44 Adam You're 25.

8:45 Caller Yes.

8:46 What's up?

8:47 Caller My girlfriend and I both have herpes. And I just found out recently that she's pregnant and we're going to try to keep the baby. We want to know what kind of risks are involved for the baby as far as getting herpes or what we have to do as far as maybe if there's a way of preventing the baby from getting it or whatnot.

9:05 Drew Why didn't you discuss that with her obstetrician?

9:08 Caller We haven't gone to a doctor yet. Tuesday we go to a doctor.

9:11 Drew How did she find out she's pregnant?

9:13 Caller Pregnancy test and a blood test.

9:16 Drew When they did the blood test, why didn't she talk to the doctor?

9:18 Adam Well, come on. It's a little apprehensive.

9:21 Caller We had to go to another doctor for the blood test and she just got to go to the doctor. Hold on, Drew.

9:28 Adam It's not bogus.

9:29 Drew It's a bogus field to it.

9:30 Adam How boring could a bogus call be? What about herpes?

9:34 Drew Herpes are far less of an issue during pregnancy than we used to think. There are medications that can suppress it. Obviously a C-section, a C-section can reduce the risk. So it's not as big of a deal as we used to think.

9:45 Adam Are you more likely, if you have vaginal or genital herpes, are you more likely to break out during the time that's close to the time you deliver because of stress?

9:56 Drew We used to say that a lot, but it doesn't seem to be the case. It really doesn't.

9:59 It doesn't. No.

10:01 Adam And you can't make contact with the herpes, right?

10:04 Drew They could if the baby would, as it was coming down the canal, and that would be a real big problem.

10:08 Adam What about a vaginal? What about some sort of liner, like a trash can liner or something, or some sort of chute?

10:13 Drew Vageliner?

10:14 Adam Yeah.

10:14 Put up there? No.

10:15 Adam Kid wouldn't have to touch anything? I don't like the idea that I've touched my mom's vagina.

10:20 You know what I mean?

10:21 Adam I mean, technically.

10:22 Drew Yeah, you touch it. You just sort of.

10:23 Adam No, I have.

10:24 Drew You've leaned up against it.

10:26 Adam No, I brushed it. And she liked it. No, I don't like that. You know what I mean? There's no loofah big enough to clean yourself off from that one, Drew.

10:35 Drew Is that what you're doing all the time?

10:37 Adam I would prefer if I knew I came down through something that was lined.

10:41 Caller Well, it sounds like you could make a mint with a vaginal lining. It's sort of a.

10:46 Adam No kidding.

10:47 Caller Called GLLAD.

10:47 Adam And it's.

10:48 Caller Listen to this. Yeah.

10:49 Caller Your wiener is actually in those.

10:50 Caller Technically, you're not a virgin.

10:52 Adam Oh, wiener was in mom.

10:54 Yeah.

10:55 Adam And it passed through mom's vagina. I mean, Anderson is right.

10:59 Drew Anderson, philosopher, philosopher King.

11:01 Yeah.

11:02 Adam And here's the other thing, too. I think this liner could be used for things outside of the hospital room.

11:08 Caller You know what I'm saying?

11:09 Adam There's other applications for it.

11:11 Drew You mean like a false vagina?

11:13 Adam No, no, I'm not in the vagina. I'm talking about the finger trap like Chinese finger trap. You could use it for.

11:19 Caller It's a female condom, too.

11:20 Caller Oh, yeah. Yeah.

11:21 Adam Remember, there used to be the bag?

11:24 Drew Female condom.

11:24 Caller Right.

11:25 Adam It never caught on, did it?

11:26 Caller No, it didn't.

11:27 Adam Remember eight years ago, you were talking about it and I was saying, are you high? No one's going to use this. Did anyone ever use it?

11:33 Drew A couple of people, I'm sure did.

11:35 Caller No, nobody ever did.

11:37 Adam William?

11:38 Caller Hey, Adam. First of all, Anderson, you need to come back to the Loveline Companion.

11:43 Drew Yeah.

11:43 Adam Why? What happened? What's the Loveline Companion? Website?

11:48 Caller Oh, yeah.

11:49 Adam It's a website.

11:50 Caller Yeah.

11:51 Adam Yeah.

11:51 Caller Oh, my God. Thousands of Loveline fans on there.

11:54 Adam God bless all of you. And what did Anderson do? He left all of you.

11:58 Caller Well, I heard he used to be on there and he used to type on the form.

12:03 I was looking for the your Hawaiian rant and I couldn't figure out.

12:06 Caller Remember the big debacle with the Hawaiian rant? Yeah, I knew when it happened.

12:09 And I went on there and I asked when it happened.

12:12 Caller And they like within half an hour, they gave me the exact date.

12:15 Caller It was crazy.

12:16 Adam We got pulled off our Hawaiian station because I called Hawaiian stupid and and I'm sorry because it turns out they're geniuses.

12:24 Caller They really are.

12:25 Adam Think about all the great inventions, all the great literature. Think about everything that's come out of the medicine. You name it from the arts.

12:32 Caller At least they vote for the Democratic.

12:34 Adam Yeah. I mean, think about the amazing culture Hawaiian is. I mean, I mean, not physically. Everyone knows. Well, got the huge calves and these are superior people.

12:42 Caller That's not physically the people that I was really aiming for.

12:45 Adam I'm just saying people don't realize the intellectual prowess of the Hawaiian people.

12:49 Drew The complex alphabet.

12:51 Caller They invented surfing and tattoos.

12:53 Adam They can't deal with it.

12:54 Drew They've done the tattoos. Really?

12:55 Adam Yeah. No, no. It's again, every book in the library was written by Hawaiian. That's all I'm saying. Every classical song written by Hawaiian. Just do the math. This is Shuttle.

13:06 Caller That's Hawaiian.

13:07 Adam Oh, by the way, the fat boy and the whole hydrogen bomb and nuclear bomb, that whole program, Hawaiians.

13:17 Drew Of course.

13:18 Caller Hawaiians.

13:19 Adam Like two Germans, but the rest were Hawaiian.

13:21 Caller You won't realize that. You ready to go here? We're talking about Drew.

13:24 Caller William? Yeah. Two quick questions. What steps should I take to get into the world of broadcasting?

13:32 Adam What do you want to be on the air?

13:34 Yeah.

13:35 Caller All right.

13:36 Adam And what do you want to do? You want to talk?

13:38 Caller I want to be the next Loveline DJ.

13:41 Caller Oh, okay.

13:42 Adam That could be sooner than you think. You want to handle a call?

13:46 Caller Yeah.

13:47 Caller All right.

13:47 Adam Drew, how do we do this?

13:49 Drew I don't think we can. Anderson's got to do it.

13:51 Adam We'll have young William take a call.

13:53 Drew Okay.

13:53 Caller All right. Who do we want to talk to?

13:55 Drew Line two.

13:56 Adam Line two?

13:57 Drew Anderson?

13:58 Adam Are you ready, William?

13:59 Yeah.

14:01 Caller Yeah. Eddie?

14:02 Yes.

14:03 Caller All right.

14:04 Adam William's going to help you tonight.

14:05 Caller Go ahead, William.

14:06 Caller All right. Loveline, what's your question?

14:08 Caller Well, I'm an uncircumcised male, really. And when I have sex with my girlfriend, it's like, well, we have to use a condom because it, you know, the skin pulls back a lot.

14:23 Gross!

14:27 Caller Drew, that's why you make the big bucks.

14:30 Caller This guy's already quitting.

14:33 Adam Come on, William. Here we go, buddy.

14:36 Caller Well, I was wondering what what steps I should take to try to remedy that for sex without a condom. And would it be wise to have a circumcision?

14:45 Caller Um, yeah. Yeah. Or more lubrication or something, dude.

14:49 Come on. Dude.

14:52 Adam Come on.

14:53 Caller Yeah, I've gone that route, but.

14:57 Adam Hold on one second, buddy.

14:58 Drew Let me just talk to everybody.

15:00 Adam You know, you know, it's funny. We do this once in a while, maybe once a year. And the poor caller always readily talks to the young idiot who takes our place. And they never go, what the F's going on? Talk and call the talk to a 10th grader. All right, God bless both. Yeah, William's doing a decent job at 16. I mean, it's a baptism by fire confidence and verve.

15:24 Caller Yeah. All right.

15:25 Adam Let's try it. Pat him up again, Anderson. Also, we got. Yeah, let's go with both of them.

15:29 Caller Get William and Eddie.

15:31 Adam William is 16.

15:33 Caller He's calling from Paramount. I don't even know where that is.

15:36 Adam Paramount. Where's Paramount? It's about two miles south gate, south gate. OK. All right. So keep going with Eddie. Go ahead, Eddie.

15:47 Caller Is this a new person?

15:48 Adam No, he got the same crappy old one.

15:50 Caller Go ahead, Eddie. All right.

15:53 Caller Well, yeah, I was wondering what I should do about sex with having a being uncircumcised, like to to kind of get around the fact that.

16:03 Caller Well, if your girlfriend doesn't like it, I say get a new girlfriend. She's going to have to deal with that. That's her problem. No, no.

16:10 Caller It causes pain for me sometimes.

16:13 Caller Get uncircumcised.

16:15 Caller You think that would be the best route?

16:17 Adam Get uncircumcised?

16:19 Caller Or wait, wait, no, no, no, get uncircumcised. Well, get. Well, I don't know. Is that possible?

16:28 All right.

16:28 Adam Now they try. They try. Angry gays, mainly, but they try. All right, William.

16:34 Yes.

16:35 Adam Hold on a sec.

16:36 All right.

16:37 Caller I don't know. And I think I put Eddie on.

16:39 Adam Let's get Eddie back up again. All right, Eddie. Sorry. It's a little experiment in war.

16:44 Drew Eddie, Eddie, the deal is the reason there's irritation is the the head of the foreskin, the top of the foreskin kind of narrows and it's called a stenosis. And the more it narrows, the more when it tears, when you pull it back. And so it scars more and narrows more. It's sort of an inexorable process you get involved with. This is why somebody would have a circumcision. There's no reason you should go through this. Just go and have a circumcision.

17:06 Adam It seems like more people. I mean, let's just say go back 20 years. The idea of anyone over 15 or anyone over five months getting a circumcision was bizarre and unheard of.

17:18 Drew Because no one had any foreskin.

17:20 Adam Oh, really? I just think it was also less popular. I don't know if it's a medical science has done something.

17:29 Caller Is a circumcision something that he needs to worry about being extremely painful? I mean, what's the procedure with that?

17:35 Drew Once you're an adult, this age, Eddie's 23, it's pretty painful. You're out of commission for a couple of weeks. It's not nearly as easy to go through as an infant.

17:43 Caller Is it a local anesthetic or is it a general?

17:46 Drew Not a general, but they probably put him in some kind of Twilight Sleep.

17:49 Adam I explain to you all the time, Drew, that's what people think of as general. General means... General means someone's breathing for you.

17:55 Drew General means you are paralyzed and all your body functions are taken over by the anesthesiologist, especially respiratory.

18:02 Adam So you have three. Society has two. Society has local, which means you get a shot in your dinging and they work on it while you stare at it. And then there's general, which means you're asleep when they work on your dinging. Drew, there's one in between, which is where you'll be, which is asleep, but not general. It's a technicality. Yes, Drew?

18:21 Drew It's a profoundly different state.

18:22 Adam No, no, I don't mean that. I just mean when everyone is talking about general, they're talking about being asleep.

18:29 Caller Now, is that skin that is lopped off, are there nerves in that skin, or is it just kind of like your earlobe?

18:38 Drew More like your earlobe.

18:38 Caller Yeah, so then it doesn't necessarily hurt when it's trimmed off.

18:41 Drew It does, it's not fun, it hurts, I can't kid you.

18:47 Caller But it shouldn't stop him from doing it.

18:49 Drew Well, he doesn't have any troubles functioning sexually. Is this a constant problem? Why not?

18:54 Adam And I would argue that the doing it on adults is much more commonplace than it was 10, 20 years ago.

19:02 Drew And I'm saying it's because there is so much foreskin around now in this country. And the other thing is, this thing Eddie's got is gonna get worse.

19:09 Adam We're gonna start exporting, right?

19:10 Drew Well, we did it one time. It is gonna get worse and it's gonna cause more discomfort as time goes along.

19:15 Adam Yeah, I don't know that there's that much more foreskin here than there was 20 years ago.

19:21 Drew People obsessing about foreskin in the last 10 years. Oh, somebody took my foreskin when I was a baby.

19:26 Caller People are wanting to keep it now?

19:27 Adam Drew's angry, by the way. Here's the thing, there's these groups that want to sue their parents because they took their foreskin.

19:35 Caller Oh, really?

19:36 Adam Yeah.

19:36 Drew I get angry when people have energy about meaning of things.

19:39 Adam Yeah, and then they're trying to recreate it using duct tape and weights and stuff. And walk around feeling like half a man. But it's all the same. And by the way, these are the same guys who write all the letters, it's the same people. They're just here. Here's basically what happened. I know we're going to break Jason Bateman here now. There's a segment of society that was abused by their parents physically, mentally, sexually, and now society becomes their canvas for which they can rub their crap on to the noise. All represent the noisy minority, the noisy minority. These and they're angry and they don't admit it.

20:17 Drew And by the way, it's not a simple minority. It's a tiny minority, a tiny minority.

20:22 Caller Right, right, right, right, yeah.

20:24 Adam Anyone say ACLU? They're suing Logan Airport now for profiling. Yeah, fantastic.

20:32 Caller So you want to talk about angry?

20:33 Adam How about we just get those ACLU guys, some foreskins, get them moving, pack it up. Come on, fellas, here's your foreskin. Let's go. Move forward now. You got bigger fish to fry. Take a quick break. Get them some huevos while we're at it, too. And we'll be right back after this. Hey, it's the best of LoveLine. I'm Adam. That is Dr. Drew. Jason Bateman has left the studio. And next up is a guy who gets a bad rap for being high and belligerent and out of it and crazy.

21:13 Drew Which I've never seen in belligerent, ever.

21:15 Adam It's really, I think a lot of it is just because he's high and belligerent and crazy all the time. That's where he gets that bad rap of being high, belligerent and crazy. You know, I don't think it's fair. Just because he's high, belligerent and crazy all the time, he gets labeled unfairly with the high, belligerent and crazy label.

21:37 Drew That's unfair.

21:37 Adam That's just not fair.

21:39 Drew All right. Well, let's judge for yourself.

21:40 Adam Let's see. Andy Dick, everybody. Perfect.

21:46 Caller Hey, everyone.

21:47 Adam Loveline of Adam.

21:48 Caller That's Dr. Drew.

21:49 Adam Dear, dear, dear friend Andy Dick in studio tonight.

21:53 Caller God bless him.

21:54 Adam Andy's a guy who's, I don't know, I think the perception is crazy, out of control, but a sweet, sweet person. Open book, sweet spirit, open book, and ultimately a very likable guy.

22:08 Best Of Yeah. Crazy like a fox.

22:09 Adam Probably gets away with more than he should because he's so likable.

22:13 Caller Yeah.

22:14 Best Of Yes.

22:15 Caller Yeah.

22:15 Drew Yes. But he struggles.

22:17 Adam He struggles.

22:18 Best Of Struggle in my own head.

22:20 Adam Are you having a good time?

22:21 Best Of Are you happy? Are you happy? This is what I get a lot. Is everything okay?

22:25 Drew That's the one you get.

22:26 Best Of Are you okay?

22:27 Drew Is everything all right?

22:28 Best Of And my friends get it. How's Andy doing?

22:30 Is he okay?

22:32 Best Of Like I'm a retard.

22:33 Adam It's a little twist on the art. It's are you okay? Can we not get you something? Because with Andy, you don't want.

22:41 Best Of Can we not get you something?

22:42 Caller Yeah.

22:43 Adam You having fun?

22:44 Caller Is it fun?

22:45 Best Of God, so many times I've had that. So many times I've had to just sneak drinking because I want to, you know, I want to have fun like the next guy.

22:53 Caller Right.

22:53 Best Of And I want to just have a beer sometimes.

22:55 Caller Sure.

22:55 Best Of But I can't ever do anything of the sort.

22:59 Caller No.

23:00 Best Of No such thing for Mr. Dickman.

23:02 Caller That's right.

23:03 Best Of So how many I have to if I ever know what happens.

23:06 Adam Well, you know what happens.

23:06 Best Of I think I've snuck drinks on this show.

23:09 Adam Is that is that no doubt. Is that a pressure?

23:11 Best Of Not tonight.

23:12 Adam Got got in your boat a bag. Is there is there a thing where Andy, because he's an alcohol, because he's an addict, cannot touch you.

23:20 Drew Tell him you tell you.

23:22 Caller Alcohol.

23:22 Best Of Oh, I can. Sometimes I can manage it.

23:25 Caller Now, what happens?

23:26 Adam But what happens if you start chipping away with the alcohol?

23:30 Best Of It ultimately for me, it always does spiral down.

23:33 Adam You get f'd up and then you go get some coke.

23:35 Caller Right.

23:35 Best Of Usually I almost always wind up looking for some other harder core drug. Yeah. Right. Usually. But if I try really hard and grit my teeth, grind them and grip onto the table and they call it white knuckling, if you're trying to stay sober. But if I really try to just have one to five glasses of wine at dinner, look, I had to see I'm done.

23:58 Adam I had five.

23:59 Best Of Let's go. I'm going to go home and go to bed now.

24:01 Drew See how fun that is?

24:01 Adam Really?

24:02 Best Of It's like really hard.

24:03 Adam What about pot? Because let me just say this and you tell me, here's the thing about booze. When you get drunk, it sort of makes you want to do things you really shouldn't do. Yeah, it does. You go, OK, I want to order pizza. I want to get a hooker. I want to get some stump porn. I got to do something. I got to get an eight ball. We got to keep the night going. You start going down a sort of negative, scary, thrill, thrill packed road.

24:25 Best Of After a certain amount of booze, does it?

24:27 Caller Yeah.

24:28 Adam Weed is a little more like, geez, I don't want to go out. I don't want to drive. I don't want to get busted. I'm going to hang in.

24:35 Caller Fall asleep.

24:36 Adam Right. So can you smoke weed?

24:39 Best Of Yeah. I mean, I can do all of it. No, I'm still alive.

24:43 Adam I know, but I mean, what I'm just curious about is if you smoke the joint and you're at home, would you be as apt to want to go out and get some coke as if you were drunk?

24:52 Best Of Well, I would probably want to go get some beer. Oh, and then, uh-huh.

24:58 Adam Interesting.

24:59 Drew Well, the other thing, there would not be just getting high today.

25:03 Best Of Right.

25:03 Drew We're going to have it tomorrow, next day, next day, next day.

25:06 Best Of Right.

25:06 Drew All right, that's the thing with the pot.

25:07 Adam All right, Drew, get on the mic there.

25:09 Caller All right, let's go.

25:11 Adam All right, go, but okay, but good times.

25:14 Best Of Yeah.

25:15 Caller But are you happy? How you doing?

25:17 Adam How you doing?

25:18 Best Of Yeah.

25:18 Drew Okay. And I'm struggling with his medicine, which he takes it. Only at night, only at night.

25:22 Best Of Can we not drink a little potion? I never took any medication, by the way. You know that, right? That's good. Oh, yeah, because you know what? If I'm going to do drugs, I want to get high.

25:31 Drew You want to do the dangerous ones.

25:32 Best Of Yeah, well, I want to have the horrible ones.

25:34 Caller Anybody's a temple.

25:36 Adam Travis?

25:37 Caller Yeah.

25:39 Caller What's up? Well, one day I was masturbating. This is about when I was 16. And I pinched it off because I didn't want to go everywhere. And it's hurt ever since. Not every time I pee, but most of the time.

25:53 Liar, liar whore, liar whore, you know it.

25:56 Drew That actually happens, Anderson. Sorry about that.

25:58 Best Of But is that going to go away for him?

25:59 Drew It could, but you can cause problems with the urethra and the sphincter can dysfunction. There can be a lot of little things that can go wrong with that. Yeah. If it really keeps hurting when you urinate, you need to see a urologist. It's probably going to be no big deal, but you can cause some problems with that.

26:14 Best Of That sounds absolutely horrible. Did it balloon up?

26:18 Drew It's like trying not to vomit when you're, you know, mid vomit.

26:21 Best Of Or stifling a sneeze, which is not good.

26:24 Adam If I pinched it off at orgasm, I'd have like a detached retina. It wouldn't even be the penis that was hurt by eyeball pain.

26:30 Drew You'd be like one of those little squirty dolls with the ear.

26:33 Adam Talking about ear bleeding. And I would run out of the house, like you know when a dog's gonna vomit? And you just pick it up and you start running for the front door. I would do that with my sack. Just up, up, up. Right into the planter box.

26:49 Drew Oh yeah.

26:50 Caller I actually, I have been a urologist and you said that I have prostateitis or something like that.

26:55 Drew Yeah, you inflamed the prostate, sure.

26:57 Caller But for four years?

26:59 Caller Oh yeah. I actually didn't have insurance until just now. I just started working at Safeway so I got injured.

27:03 Drew Let me get this straight. You did this four years ago?

27:05 Adam No, he did this when he was 16. Come on, Drew, you gotta listen.

27:07 Best Of One time or did you do it many times?

27:10 Caller It was just one time, but it's hurt ever since. Not every time and not every time I have sex.

27:15 Best Of Where were you that you, I have to ask one question. Where were you that you didn't want to get it on all over the place? What was it? Where were you?

27:22 Adam It was at a gym.

27:23 Caller My homework on my desk.

27:25 Drew Homework.

27:26 Best Of Oh, and you were standing over it?

27:27 Caller Hold on.

27:29 Adam You're beating off on like we the people or?

27:32 Drew He just took a break from his homework.

27:34 Best Of Because he was sitting at his desk and he's a shooter. He's a shooter.

27:38 Caller Is he?

27:38 Adam Well, I guess.

27:40 All right, hold on.

27:41 Adam Travis, you really, you couldn't avoid your homework?

27:44 Caller No, but now since then I just let it go all over the place. So.

27:50 Okay.

27:50 Drew I like, Travis, but you said it hurts when you pee. Is that what you said? Yeah, not every time, but pretty much most of the time. Then you switch that to, it hurts when I ejaculate.

28:01 Caller No, it doesn't hurt when I ejaculate. It hurts afterwards. It's just when I pee. It doesn't hurt when I ejaculate. I notice it's hard to get an erection sometimes. They're like hard to keep it hard. And I was wondering if it would affect my growth at all.

28:20 Adam Well, he's short.

28:21 Drew No.

28:22 Adam Oh, small penis.

28:23 Drew No, no, no, no. But you may need something called a cystoscopy where they kind of look up there and see how the urethral tract is doing.

28:28 Best Of Oh, that's horrible. It's probably not going to be growing anymore.

28:32 Drew At 20, maybe one more year. All right. If you're having a rectal dysfunction, you need to yell something out.

28:38 Adam No, he wasn't going to yell something out.

28:40 Caller He had a question.

28:42 Adam Travis, did you have more question?

28:44 Caller Yeah, just one more. Is there like a valve down there or something? Because I've heard there's like a valve that is.

28:48 Drew Yeah, there is. And that can dysfunction. You can get little irregularities in the surface of the urethra too. All right.

28:54 Adam Let's listen.

28:54 Caller Let's start focusing.

28:55 Adam Let's go. Let's break it down, buddy. Didn't hear half that guy's question. Let's go, Annie. Go. We got a show to do, everybody. All right. Going to take one more call. And then it's time for round three of Ace's Mexican Ranchero recording Countdown.

29:09 Drew We do a Germany or Florida friend.

29:10 Adam Oh, a little about of Germany or Florida would be fun, too.

29:14 Best Of Oh, yeah. That's a good game.

29:16 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

29:17 Caller Here we go.

29:17 Adam They do sober.

29:18 Caller All right.

29:18 Adam So let's get to Lauren. Lauren is 19 years of age. Lauren. Well, you want you want to donate an egg to make some money for your tuition.

29:30 Yes, I do.

29:31 Adam All right.

29:32 Thinking about it. But I was wondering if there's any like medical repercussions like for me later on or before we get to the boring stuff, let's try to see if we can fix a price on this egg.

29:45 Best Of Yeah, that's what I was wondering. How much is it?

29:48 Adam Well, they vary.

29:49 Best Of How much do they go for?

29:50 Adam They vary.

29:51 Best Of Depending on the state.

29:52 Caller This one place I'm talking to starts at 5,000.

29:55 Drew Per egg or per harvest?

29:57 Caller Per, it says, I don't know, either per egg or per harvest.

30:02 Probably harvest, but if you are compatible with people like depending on what you look like and your SAT scores and like that kind of thing, you get more money.

30:13 Adam Yeah, I know this. So let's talk about you and try to set a price. How tall are you?

30:19 Caller Five two.

30:21 Best Of Would my sperm go for a lot of money? Cause I'll look into that.

30:24 Caller A couple hundred.

30:25 Best Of Because I'm me.

30:26 Adam Yeah, I'll tell you, Andy Dick's sperm could fetch a pretty penny on the Asian market. They have quite a taste for the I'm thinking. For the macabre over there.

30:36 Best Of I'm thinking for the macabre.

30:40 Adam Andy Dick charge fin soup.

30:43 Best Of I'll go out there and just set up a stand saying, Andy Dick juice, five grand a cup.

30:47 Adam Oh yeah.

30:48 Best Of Five grand a shot. I don't care if you drink it or get pregnant by it.

30:52 Drew Bear pancreas, Chaser.

30:53 Caller Yeah. All right, Andy.

30:54 Adam It's not all about your seed.

30:56 Caller Let's talk to Lauren.

30:57 Best Of Andy Dick juice.

30:59 Caller Lauren?

30:59 Best Of Five grand a pop.

31:00 Caller All right.

31:01 Adam So let's see if we can work the price here. It's, we'll just start at five grand. I'll tell you what. Let's start at ten grand.

31:09 Best Of Well, my price just went up then.

31:10 Adam Ten grand.

31:11 Drew So you're about Lauren.

31:12 Adam You're five.

31:13 Drew What's your SAT score?

31:14 Adam Hold on. You're five, two. Right.

31:17 Best Of I'm five, ten, and I'm blonde.

31:19 Drew Lauren.

31:21 Caller Lauren.

31:23 Adam Can she hear us now?

31:24 Best Of Did she drop off?

31:25 Drew Call her goes by Lauren. There she goes.

31:28 Best Of Lauren.

31:29 Adam I think she just hung up.

31:30 Drew Weird.

31:31 Best Of She's mad.

31:31 Drew How dare she?

31:32 Adam Let's just make sure.

31:33 Best Of She's mad because I'm.

31:34 Adam Lauren, you're gone?

31:36 Drew OK. I think she knew it was coming.

31:37 Adam She knew it was coming. But here's the problem. Half these women that want to sell their eggs are trolls who have GEDs and have a problem with chewing tobacco consumption. And they're like, look, listen, Elvira, nobody wants that dumb seed of yours. No one wants that stupid egg. It's not worth anything. If you start waving around, I would run.

32:03 Drew I think that's what they say when they do the induction interview.

32:06 Adam Yeah.

32:06 Drew Yeah.

32:06 Adam All right.

32:07 Drew But here's the deal. They do have to over-stimulate the ovaries. You can outstrip the ovaries' blood supply. They can die. There's concerns that it may increase the risk of ovarian cancer later in life, affect fertility. It's a procedure you have to go through in terms of harvesting the eggs. It's not without risk. So yeah, you are absolutely putting yourself in harm's way. But if it's worth it to you, there you go.

32:26 Best Of But my sperm stays alive in a Dixie Cup for months.

32:30 Adam Absolutely. I have to get the right temperature.

32:32 Best Of You have to get the right temperature.

32:35 Caller Yeah.

32:35 Best Of It stays. Well.

32:36 Caller All right.

32:36 Adam Let's talk to you.

32:38 Caller Let's hold on.

32:38 Adam Let's talk to David here for a second. He thinks we're discriminating against Mexicans by doing Ace's Mexican accordion ranchero.

32:46 Best Of Even my hit song?

32:48 Adam Yeah. What about Andy's hit song?

32:49 Best Of My vagina is bleeding.

32:51 Your vagina is bleeding.

32:54 Best Of What now?

32:54 Your vagina is bleeding.

32:55 Best Of How does that discriminate?

32:56 I don't understand that.

32:57 Adam David, go ahead. And then we're going to ask you to play the game with us.

33:01 All right. I'll be honored to play the game with you. I just feel it's wrong. You know, I mean, Mexicans come straight from Mexico, probably border jumpers, whatever they are. But they try their hardest. They go out, make a few million dollars. Same thing as the music industry. I've been playing music for three or four years already.

33:17 Adam You have? What do you play?

33:19 All around everywhere. I've been playing gigs and stuff like that, but it's no big deal.

33:23 Adam Do you hold on a second? Quiet down. Do you play Ranchero music?

33:27 No, no, no, no. I play rock.

33:28 Adam Oh, you play rock?

33:29 Best Of But we like Ranchero music. We're not kidding.

33:32 Adam Yeah. We're big fans.

33:35 Best Of And the program director is Hispanic.

33:37 So my vagina is bleeding as a big fan of Ranchero.

33:42 Adam Yeah, I gotta be honest with you. The music blows. It sucks.

33:47 Best Of I like it.

33:48 Adam And look, I'll tell you what else blows.

33:50 Best Of I like it. That's why I wrote lyrics.

33:51 Adam Flan blows too, for the most part.

33:53 A typical white person would say the music will blow. I honestly agree with you.

33:57 Adam Right.

33:58 But you're coming from Mexicans point of view. These Mexicans...

34:00 Caller The, the, the, the, the bitch.

34:03 Adam All right. Look, here's all I'm saying.

34:05 Caller It's just discrimination towards Mexicans.

34:07 Adam You guys are discriminating against. No, please. I don't want to be that even handed about anything. There's certain things in certain cultures that suck. Certain foods, certain music, certain things. Now there's certain things that you guys nail on the head. The aforementioned margarita is one thing that...

34:22 Drew Ceviche, do you?

34:23 Adam Ceviche, I do a nice job with too. The ranchero music, well, you dropped the ball on that one. That's fine. I think it's discrimination, not to say when other things suck, by the way. Then what you get there is you just have people that are patronizing.

34:38 Caller But from the music that's going on right now, like the killer, somebody told me, you have a boy... What the hell is that? You got that and you got ranchero music.

34:46 Adam Yeah, you're right. We don't like those guys either. Yeah, no one likes those guys. Oh, no, we're thinking of the darkness.

34:52 Drew We don't like all the dark.

34:53 Caller Those are the darkness.

34:55 Adam Yeah, they blow.

34:56 Caller How dare David say that? I'm very offended.

34:58 Drew You are the darkness.

34:59 Adam Oh, yeah, because it's a white guy.

35:01 Caller Yeah, there's a white guy.

35:02 Adam All right. So listen, you just play along with us, David.

35:05 Best Of Sharing is good, but not when it's with needles, because then the only thing positive is your visage. Yeah, I chimed in with myself.

35:14 Adam Yeah. All right, David, get off your high horse for a second and play Ace's Mexican Ranchero according to the countdown.

35:21 Caller So it's like a little freestyle towards it, then?

35:24 Adam Pick a number. What do you think?

35:26 Caller Seven.

35:27 Adam Seven seconds. Seven seconds. I'm going to put a D next. Okay, Andy, what do you got?

35:33 Best Of I'm looking at her. Do you know? Does she know? See, she doesn't even know.

35:36 Adam Michelle doesn't know.

35:37 Best Of And by the way, the program director is Hispanic. Absolutely. She's picking the music.

35:41 Adam Yes, she is.

35:41 Best Of He has to know that.

35:42 Adam No, okay.

35:43 Best Of Okay, I five.

35:44 Adam Five seconds. Drew, what do you got?

35:46 Caller Four.

35:47 Adam Four. Oh, you're going down. I'm going up then. I'm going eight.

35:50 Caller Perfect.

35:51 Best Of What about our friend on the phone?

35:53 Adam He picked seven.

35:54 Best Of Oh, good. Oh, good. He's playing. All right. We're just having fun.

35:58 Adam We're here.

35:58 Best Of We're just having fun.

35:59 Adam Now hold on a second.

36:01 Best Of Yes, sir. Oh, thanks. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you.

36:04 Caller All right. Quiet down.

36:06 Adam All right.

36:06 Caller Now, you ready there? I'll cue you in five, four, three, two, one, go.

36:15 Adam Oh, that was it. It was two seconds. Two seconds.

36:19 Best Of So I won. I won.

36:21 Adam By the way.

36:21 Drew I thought I was the lowest.

36:23 Adam Lifetime in the- I picked five. You picked five. You picked four.

36:26 Best Of Oh, you won.

36:28 Caller I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are this play up? Turn up just a little bit. David. Oh, wait a minute. Where's David?

36:34 Best Of Wait a minute.

36:35 Caller David.

36:36 Best Of This is the same.

36:38 Adam I'm sorry. You're you're off. You're off by an eternity in the life of a Ranchero accordion player. Three and a half seconds.

36:47 Caller Yes. Yes.

36:48 Adam Sorry, buddy. I missed that one too. Drew hit it right on the head though.

36:53 Caller Drew knows what he's doing, you know?

36:56 Adam He's a pro. Thanks, David. Anyway, we love all people from all places. All right. Should we take a little break?

37:03 Drew No. Oh, it's High Horse Game.

37:05 Adam That's Drew's High Horse.

37:06 Drew That's David's High Horse.

37:07 Adam So, Drew, you're off for just one second, right?

37:09 Drew That's pretty good.

37:10 Adam Not bad.

37:11 Caller All right.

37:11 Adam Andy Dick in the studio tonight. TGIFNF. Friday Nights on ABC 930. We'll Lesson Perfect.

37:20 Caller Take a quick break.

37:21 Adam Be right back after this.

37:23 1-800-LOVE-191.

37:26 Adam Loveline will be right back.

37:42 Caller Hello, this is the Mango, from the Saturday Night Live, and you did listen to the Loveline with the Adam Corolla sus and the Drew man with the ass. You can't have me!

37:57 Caller No mango for you!

38:00 Adam Loveline, Fast-Growing Outlaw, Radio Nose America, Andy Dick and Stu and I, Drew, you know what I'm disclosing to do? I can tell you, but I have to kill you. 8.35, after 8 o'clock, 25 away from the top of the hour, 9 o'clock, coming up straight up top of the hour, news and traffic coming up. A little news, a little weather report, a little traffic, traffic and lanes. Look out, imagine debris, the 405. Watch out for brake lights and the 101 Harbor Exchange.

38:33 Slow and go.

38:33 Adam Slow and go.

38:34 Look out.

38:35 Adam All right, Andy Dick in Steer Tonight. Dear, dear friend, Andy Dick, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, he's a funny guy, Andy Dick. Everybody, he's on, he's a good friend, a dear friend. I'll tell you, funny, funny guy, big fan, never missed a guy. He's on ABC, Friday Nights, 9.30 less than perfect.

38:56 Caller Shut up!

38:59 Adam Yeah, and you know, he doesn't like Chris the Mango, by the way, Chris, Chris Katan.

39:05 Drew Oh, that's right.

39:06 Best Of I did that on purpose.

39:07 Adam Yeah. Oh no, Anderson, oh yes.

39:09 Caller I forgot about that.

39:11 Adam Anderson.

39:11 Best Of He just likes to start crap.

39:13 Adam He is, he's a fire starter, that Anderson. I mean, literally starts fire.

39:17 Drew He likes fire.

39:18 Caller He starts fires after.

39:19 Best Of I'm a pyromaniac too.

39:21 Caller Shocking.

39:22 Adam Yeah, so.

39:22 Drew Do you smear feces when you're a kid?

39:24 Caller Yeah, my mom said I do.

39:26 Adam No, really. I waited till I was a teenager.

39:29 Drew You just threw feces. I had to get it. It's different.

39:31 Adam When provoked, I have to protect myself.

39:33 Drew You have a finger pain, he's not hurling.

39:35 Adam Okay, well, here's my point. What was the deal with the Chris Katan, Andy Dick, Saturday Night Live thing? I don't want to knock any scabs off wounds, but he played you.

39:44 Best Of While I was in rehab.

39:45 Adam While you were in rehab.

39:46 Drew He was very mean.

39:47 Best Of He was really, really mean. Well, kicking a man when he's down.

39:50 Adam And do you hold that against him?

39:53 Best Of I just, yes, I don't like it.

39:55 Adam But haven't you screwed with many performers?

39:57 Best Of No, not my friends.

39:59 Drew Oh, he's your friend?

39:59 Best Of Yeah, we were friends. I had performed with him at the Groundlings, and I knew him, and it'd be like if you, you know, got AIDS, if you got AIDS and I just went, look at me, I'm Adam Corolla with AIDS.

40:15 Caller Oh, OK.

40:16 Adam I thought that was funny.

40:17 Best Of Yeah, it wouldn't be if you had AIDS.

40:18 Adam It wouldn't be. You're right. You're right. But if I had AIDS, it would only be HIV. It wouldn't be full blown AIDS because Drew would nip it in the bud. Drew had me on that triple cocktail and that'd be, you know, those raw berries.

40:30 Drew Oh, that'd make all the difference.

40:30 Caller That'd make all the toxins would be out of your body.

40:33 Adam The toxins out.

40:34 Best Of It was just that was a bad time. I was also very weak. You're weak. Well, you know, my mind, I was very upset. That was the first time I had ever stopped doing drugs and alcohol all together after years. So, you know, when you first stop, you're shaky and scared and paranoid and freaked out. And then, you know, it was bad enough to have people talk about me that I didn't know. But then when a friend portrays me in a really horrible way.

41:02 Adam Right. Now, did you see it live or did someone show it to you?

41:06 Drew Or tell you about it?

41:07 Best Of I think somebody told me about it. And I was in rehab and I just got very upset. It's the stuff that makes people commit suicide.

41:14 Drew Where were you treated?

41:14 Best Of I'll tell you that. It's the stuff that makes people commit suicide. And I've seen people commit suicide on for less things than that.

41:20 Drew Were you a promises?

41:21 Caller Yeah. All right.

41:23 Best Of So let's I'm OK now.

41:25 Best Of He can say anything he wants.

41:27 Caller Right.

41:27 Best Of I'll just kick him in the balls.

41:29 Caller Fortunately, this is Chris Catan from Saturday Night Live here.

41:31 Best Of Please, please don't.

41:34 Adam He has no microphone. Yeah.

41:37 Caller Yeah, that's right.

41:38 Adam All right. Well, you're ready to go for it here.

41:42 Best Of Let's go.

41:42 Best Of Let's fire it, by the way, from a Broadway show recently.

41:45 Best Of He was on Broadway.

41:46 Best Of He got fired.

41:47 Adam Good. His head should grow the ground like an onion. Yes, Drew.

41:50 Best Of I guess he's having a lot of trouble.

41:51 Drew Hair should grow in its place.

41:52 Adam That's right.

41:53 Best Of You know, I'm sure he just doesn't have his crap together, but he's when it comes down to it, I'm sure he's a good guy. And he's, I don't know him anymore, but I think he's having a little trouble with the drugs and alcohol now. Tables have turned.

42:06 Adam The worm has turned, yes, Drew.

42:07 Best Of Haven't they, Chris Catan? Right.

42:10 Adam Well, maybe he'll kill himself tonight.

42:12 Best Of Great. No, he's a good guy. And I just would rather not work with him or even talk about him. Too much time spent on him. All right, here we go.

42:19 Adam That's right.

42:20 Yeah.

42:21 Adam You're 22?

42:22 Caller Yeah.

42:23 Adam What's up, baby doll?

42:24 Caller OK. Well, I've been bleeding for over a month and I don't know if it's from chronic masturbating or my body adjusting to the lichium I'm on.

42:34 Best Of Are you bleeding out of your vagina?

42:37 Caller Yes.

42:38 Adam Good.

42:38 Best Of OK, I just wanted to clarify. And I wanted to say that sentence. I wanted to say that sentence.

42:43 Adam Drew, what's the worst place to bleed out of? I've seen a lot of action movies and I think the ear.

42:48 Drew The ear means a basal skull fracture. Yuck.

42:51 Adam Yeah.

42:51 Drew So that's why that's bad.

42:52 Adam OK.

42:54 Best Of Could she have that same kind of fracture if she's bleeding out of her vagina?

42:57 Drew No.

42:58 Best Of The blood wouldn't get down there. No, it would come out the ear. So now what if it came out the ear, dripped down the body?

43:03 Adam Yeah. And then I agree with Annie. Sometimes when you have like a transmission fluid leak, you think it's a certain spot in the driver. It follows the contour and comes out on the low drain plug part of the transmission.

43:15 Best Of What if there was something like that? You should check your ear, honey.

43:17 Adam Check the ear.

43:18 Best Of Make sure that it's not coming out of the ear.

43:20 Adam I agree with Annie.

43:21 Best Of Weaving its way down to your vagina.

43:23 Drew When the beer falls to the contour.

43:25 Adam Oh, the stripper? I think it was called like a golden shower.

43:29 Best Of She's talking to me. What?

43:30 Adam Sorry. Go ahead, Ray.

43:32 Caller Yeah. I used to strip too. And you know, I so used to sex. And now I masturbate all the time.

43:37 Best Of Well, let me ask the Dr. Drew question. When were you or how were you molested as a child?

43:45 Caller I wasn't.

43:47 Best Of Really?

43:47 Caller I was always bipolar. And I'm a Gemini, which makes me very, very physically active.

43:53 Drew The Gemini.

43:54 Adam Oh, you're Gemini.

43:55 Best Of Now, when you, are you masturbating with like, with a black and decker or, I mean, a vibrator, a vibrator, like hard with drill bits on it?

44:05 Caller It looks like a flashlight. It glows in the dark.

44:08 Drew Are you manic?

44:09 Best Of That might be a mag light.

44:10 Drew Are you manic now, Ray?

44:12 Caller Yes, I've been on lithium.

44:14 Drew But are you manic? Have you been mannicky?

44:16 Best Of I'm getting manic here. Put down the mag night light. Stop putting it up your vagina. It would make me bleed.

44:23 Drew Well, the compulsive masturbation can be an expression of hypomania.

44:27 Best Of I just started bleeding thinking about a mag night light.

44:29 Drew And the bleeding probably is the lithium. However, lithium can affect your...

44:34 Caller Take it out, take it out, take it out, take it out.

44:36 Adam That's me raping Andy.

44:38 Drew That's what it sounded like. Here's the deal, Ray. Lithium can affect thyroid function and thyroid is a very common cause of dysfunctional uterine bleeding. So you need to get your lithium level checked, your iron level checked, and your thyroid level checked.

44:52 Best Of Get one of those big damn band-aids and just put it right over your vaginal area.

44:56 Drew And then the compulsive masturbation means your mania is not being properly treated. So you need to talk to whoever is prescribing the lithium about maybe a more modern mood stabilizer like a trileptal or valproic acid, something like that.

45:07 Caller Rain, rain.

45:09 Adam What got you out of stripping?

45:12 Caller Well, the bleeding vagina.

45:15 Caller Oh yeah?

45:15 Best Of The bleeding vagina, people stopped coming.

45:18 Caller Yeah.

45:19 Best Of To stop throwing the money.

45:22 Caller Because the guys aren't, well, good luck.

45:24 Best Of Guys don't.

45:26 Adam Where did you strip? Did you move from Nevada or something? Chicago. No, no strip work. No stripper work to be found in Arkansas?

45:36 Caller Oh, well, it's like from where I'm at, it's about two hours to the nearest club.

45:42 Best Of How old are you?

45:42 Caller Money isn't all that great.

45:45 Caller Yeah.

45:46 Caller Down here and.

45:47 Caller Right. Yeah.

45:49 Adam It really does. It really does vary quite a bit. All right, Rain. So what are you doing for work now, by the way?

45:54 Best Of There's not much work out there for a stripper bleeding from the vagina.

45:59 Drew Not anything.

46:00 Adam All right.

46:00 Caller Who do you come out there for women out here at all?

46:02 Best Of Bleeding from the vagina.

46:04 Drew Who do you come out there with?

46:05 Caller My parents.

46:07 Drew You're 22 living with your parents. You have to move with them. What's up with that?

46:10 Caller I moved with them to go to college at UALR.

46:16 Drew UALR. OK.

46:19 Caller UALR.

46:21 Caller UALR, University of Arkansas, Little Rock.

46:24 Drew OK.

46:25 Caller OK.

46:26 Adam And is it Razorbacks? OK. And what happened?

46:31 Best Of Take the Razorbacks out of your vagina. Maybe the bleeding will clear up.

46:36 Adam By the way, it's got to be bad news when you couldn't make it in. Your SAT scores weren't high enough to make it into a college that's named after a pig.

46:45 Caller Actually, I spent a year at SIU.

46:48 Adam Uh-huh.

46:49 Caller Southern Illinois.

46:50 Adam All right. All right.

46:51 Best Of That's another party school.

46:52 Caller I guess it's smart to get into a real school.

46:55 Drew OK.

46:55 Caller But with all the muds I have to be on, the lithium and the risperidol.

47:01 Adam Risperidol.

47:01 Drew Risperidol can cause the bleeding too.

47:03 Best Of Why is she on something?

47:04 Drew She's really bipolar.

47:07 Adam But what if she started using raw food, Drew?

47:10 Best Of I could cure her with nutrition. And I know I really could. But people can't stick to it. Right. I know. No, I really can't. I swear to you, I could.

47:18 Drew Unfortunately, Andy, people die of bipolar condition. And you can't really screw with that.

47:23 Best Of How? Because they try to peel their skin off like an orange.

47:26 Drew They have lots of different things happen.

47:27 Best Of But how do you die from bipolar?

47:28 Drew They kill themselves more often than not.

47:29 Best Of Really?

47:30 Caller All right. But that's not dying of, that's still killing yourself.

47:32 Adam Rayne?

47:33 Best Of Yeah, you don't?

47:34 Caller Yeah.

47:34 Adam All right. So do whatever Drew said to do and give your parents a break. All right, let's take a break. Andy Dickens, dude and I will take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

47:45 Caller All right, guys, here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:51 Best Of One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

47:53 Caller 877-889-DATE.

48:11 Adam Hey, yo, it's the best of Loveline. I'm Adam, I stumbled on my name there. That's Dr. Drew to my left, and Andy Dick, Jason Bateman out of the way, and we keep on keeping on with a guy.

48:24 Drew We watch so much mad TV in our house, you wouldn't believe it.

48:27 Adam Yeah.

48:27 Drew It's ridiculous.

48:28 Adam One of the biggest and best from that show is a fellow by the name of Will Sasso. He's also on Less Than Perfect. The reason Will is on the best of tonight is because I think we stumbled on to a little something called the Gay Morning Zoo, little FM gay talk station. And we enjoyed it. As I recall, Drew didn't get much of a laugh out of it.

48:50 Drew But you will seem to get a good time.

48:52 Adam Yeah. Tell me what you think.

48:55 Caller Yeah.

48:58 Caller I tell you, this radio, man, you got to get it on.

49:02 Adam Hey, Drew.

49:03 Drew Yeah, Adam.

49:04 Adam You know what I'm this close to doing, brother?

49:07 Drew I will watch out.

49:08 Caller I will drop trow.

49:09 Drew He's wild. He'll drop trow.

49:10 Adam Don't let him.

49:11 Drew He'll do it.

49:11 Caller No, don't do it.

49:15 Adam 931. 31 after 9 o'clock. Will Sassone's studio tonight. Funny, funny man, man.

49:23 Caller Thank you.

49:25 Adam What? You want me to drop trow? I'll drop trow.

49:28 Drew I will drop trow.

49:32 Adam I will drop trow. I will drop trow.

49:34 Drew We'll watch it. He's wild.

49:35 Adam He will do it.

49:36 Drew He will.

49:37 Adam I will drop. I like the morning DJ gets a little, it's a lot of hand. I will drop trow. I will lube up my joint and put it in your ear. And I will reach climax. 829, 29. The homoerotic DJ that crosses the line every once in a while, but does it quickly. And he gives a timeout every time. Right when he gets to that point where he's going to get fired.

50:04 Drew Right, right. Or the traffic.

50:06 Adam Let me tell you how, you know how I like to get pre-miserable? Like I like to start thinking about what I have to do Monday on Friday.

50:14 Drew I think you were talking about when the Super Bowl ends. Oh, yeah.

50:18 Adam Why did you bring that up?

50:19 Drew The day after the Super Bowl.

50:20 Adam Oh, it's weird.

50:21 Caller Hockey. We got to watch basketball.

50:23 Adam It's such a letdown. It's like that feeling, you know, that as the Super Bowl party is breaking up, it's really bad when it's a bad game and it's sort of over in the midway through the third quarter. And it's like you already start to put someone. You see the chicks are busting the chips already. Like things are. And it's like, this is it.

50:41 Caller Last year with Carolina with it as an expansion team, it just doesn't even feel like a real.

50:44 Adam Oh no. Right.

50:45 Caller What is that?

50:46 Adam Now that's another thing. Yeah. You want, you want it to be, you know, Dallas Pittsburgh sort of thing. You don't want, you don't want to be a couple of guys here. Oh, well the guys were in the, the fuchsia and the magenta, the teal guys and the cobalt. Yeah. And then the guy with just a black fist on their helmet. Yeah. That team, screw whitey. Those guys, it's like, what? This looks like Canadians at best. Maybe arena league stuff.

51:13 Drew It does look like arena football, doesn't it?

51:15 Caller Yeah. Some of the new stuff.

51:16 Adam What's with the teal? And here's what I'm sure they did. They talked to a bunch of retarded 15 year olds and said, what's your favorite kind of, like, teal? And they're like, all right, let's make every expansion team put a teal on it.

51:26 Drew Well, they're trying to do what the NBA did, basically. They're like, wow. Make everything teal.

51:30 Caller I heard a fashion, sort of some fashion dude or something covering, they were doing a sports thing about uniforms, best and worst uniforms. And this guy stuck up for Jacksonville Jaguars uniforms, which are some of the ugliest. Horrible. They're ridiculous. And he said in 10, 15 years, we're going to look back and they're going to be classic.

51:45 Adam No. Here's what I think. Here's what I think you do, especially when you enter the league, when you're an expansion team, instead of going, hey, everyone, look at me. I'm new. I'm bold. I'm an arena team. You should go old school. You should do a sort of a cult-sy kind of thing. Just two colors, white. And that way you sort of slip in under the radar. It's like, you know what it's like?

52:07 Drew I know. I think it's like leather helmets.

52:10 Adam I was going to, I wrote that. See, what's that word? Leather. You actually go back.

52:15 Drew Yes, go all the way back. No face guards, leather helmets.

52:17 Adam And all white guys. Undersized white, fat white guys.

52:20 Drew You've gone too far. Forget it.

52:22 Adam I don't care if you're competitive. I mean, old school.

52:26 Caller Art Donovan.

52:27 Adam Art Donovan, high top, black cleats and no face mask.

52:31 Drew Jerry Kramer.

52:32 Adam That's right.

52:33 Caller If I ever had a franchise, it would be purple and brown. Those would be the colors. Just the two colors that don't go together.

52:39 Adam Yeah, they really don't.

52:40 Caller Helmets have to be white.

52:41 Drew I had purple and brown.

52:43 Caller You get a logo or a stripe, but you don't get both.

52:45 Drew Maybe green numbers.

52:47 Adam Yeah. And the stripe doesn't continue into the pants. Not wide, at least. It can be a thin one.

52:52 Caller And cougar cats.

52:53 Adam Yeah. Yeah. And you got to, you should pick a good animal. I agree.

52:58 Caller And it has to be an animal. Have you noticed in the NFL, all the teams end with an S. There's no heat, like in the NBA.

53:04 Drew Because they're a pack of animals.

53:05 Caller Yeah, everything has to be a something.

53:07 Adam Yeah.

53:08 Caller Vikings, cowboys, cowboys.

53:10 Adam And underutilized, let me tell you, underutilized in the NFL, of course, in general, the hippos. Hippo, dangerous animal.

53:18 Drew No rhinoceros.

53:19 Adam Hippos and rhinos. Hippos kill more people than, you know, snakes and bullets and spears and aids all combine in Africa. You didn't know that, Drew?

53:28 Drew I know hippos are dangerous.

53:29 Adam Hippos are maniacs. Oh, they'd like you to believe they're friendly, lovable animals who like wear tutus and dance around, but they're vicious, vile beasts. They really are. And they're heavy. You know what I mean? You got a hippo.

53:43 Drew Yeah, you hit the hippo, you know it.

53:45 Adam Drew, write this down, by the way. Disney movie where I get a hippo to play nose tackle. OK?

53:52 Drew And there's a scene where the referee opens the rule book.

53:55 Adam And I say, you show me in that rule book where it says a hippo can't play. And he looks at me and he's like, play ball!

54:02 Drew It's not in the rule book.

54:03 Best Of It's not in the rule book.

54:04 Caller There you go.

54:06 Caller All right. I think it's been made.

54:08 Adam They used a mule.

54:10 Caller Oh, that's right. That was a mule.

54:11 Adam It was a long time ago when he kicked field goals. Yeah. By the way, that's my pitch to the Disney company. You realize how much money you guys made over the mule that kicked field goals? You're telling me the hippo that plays nose tackle is farther fetched than this? Please.

54:25 Caller Hip-O for 10 would be the name. It's an underdog story.

54:29 Adam Yeah, it's the underdog story.

54:31 Caller Right. First year they go 0 and 10 with their hippo kicker.

54:34 Adam No, he's nose tackle.

54:35 Caller Oh, he's a nose tackle.

54:36 Adam That's right.

54:37 Caller They go 0 for 10 because they have a hippo nose tackle.

54:38 Adam Yeah, and the mule kicks field goals.

54:41 Caller The mule kicks field goals. Right. Yeah, and there's...

54:44 Adam Yeah. We dust off Jan Michael Vinson, sober him up. This is a big comeback film for him.

54:50 Drew Meg, come on.

54:50 Adam He can still move, that kid. I'll tell you what, he's still got legs. Yeah.

54:55 Drew He's busy rambling now. Meg. Hey, what's going on there?

54:59 Adam Yeah. I am... I think Jan may ramble in place. I think his legs move and his arms move, but it doesn't go anywhere. Go ahead, Meg, sorry.

55:07 Drew His elliptical rambler? Well, that's okay.

55:10 Adam Go ahead.

55:11 It's okay. I had my first sonogram today.

55:14 Drew Yeah.

55:14 And they said that my cervix should be three centimeters and it's only like 2.3.

55:20 Drew How far... You're pregnant?

55:22 Yeah, I'm pregnant, yeah.

55:23 Drew How far along are you?

55:24 I'll be four months... Yeah, four months tomorrow, 16 weeks.

55:28 Drew Okay.

55:28 Adam Drew, how many millimeters in a centimeter? Is it 10 or... 100 or 10?

55:34 Caller No, 10.

55:35 Adam 10. So, 2.5 centimeters is like an inch.

55:38 Drew Yeah.

55:39 Adam Okay.

55:40 Caller All right.

55:40 Drew And what's your question?

55:43 She said that it could cause complications and I asked her what and she said she's not a doctor, she just gives ultrasounds. So, what complications could that cause?

55:52 Drew I think what they're referring... I'm not an obstetrician, but I think what they're referring to is issues of what's called cervical competency. That the service can't hold the pregnancy and they can do something called a circlage procedure where they actually kind of sew it up to keep it together. And are you going to see your obstetrician?

56:10 Yeah, I have an appointment at the beginning of February.

56:13 Drew Yeah.

56:13 Adam So what was it supposed to be at this stage?

56:17 Three centimeters.

56:18 Drew And it's two something.

56:19 Adam And it's two something? Well, it's smaller than it was supposed to be then, right?

56:24 Yeah.

56:25 Drew You mean, you saw this from the ultrasound?

56:29 Yeah, she measured my cervix from the ultrasound.

56:31 Drew And was it a vaginal ultrasound?

56:34 First, it was just the stomach, and then she used this probe-like thing, it was like a dildo with a condom on it pretty much, with a camera on the end of it.

56:42 Adam Yeah, I think that would be the vaginal one.

56:43 Drew That would be your vagina they were putting that into, yes.

56:45 Caller That's the medical term for it, isn't it? Yeah, that's right.

56:47 Drew Vaginal.

56:47 Caller Dildo with a camera on the end?

56:48 Drew Yeah.

56:50 Adam That's nice. Is it really a condom?

56:55 Drew Yeah, they put a condom on it, yeah.

56:57 Adam Ribbed?

56:57 Drew No, a lubricated condom.

56:58 Not go ribbed.

56:59 Adam Why not? Why does it have to be such a horrible experience?

57:02 Drew How about the twist one? So again, Meg, I'm not quite sure whether they're talking about the length of the cervix or the opening of the cervix. If there's a problem in the cervix in the second, how far along are you again?

57:15 I'm 16 weeks.

57:17 Drew Yeah, and that second trimester is when the cervical issues emerge, so that's what they need to look into. They're going to be bleeding, there are going to be problems with the function of the placenta, and then they're going to be premature.

57:27 Adam Drew, can we just, at least for me, get chicks used to saying months, even if they've got to whack it up, you know, three and a half months, four months, five months. Let's always do that. How far? I'm 23 weeks. I'm like, that's seven years. Seven years? Eight years. Seven or eight years.

57:44 Caller Seven or eight?

57:45 Adam And by the way, drop it with the kids too. I don't need that, I don't need the 13 months. Oh, you start with weeks.

57:51 Caller You start with weeks.

57:52 Adam I don't need that either. Tell me when the kid hits one and then we won't talk those two. I don't need that. He's, oh yeah, he's 86 weeks. I'm like, oh, so he's in college or is he retired? He's got kids then, right? Shouldn't have kids.

58:06 Drew Usually you go weeks until they're about four months. It's obnoxious. And then you go months until they're a year and a half. And then there you go.

58:14 Adam And you know what I don't want? I don't want the middle name either. This is Chris Ann Tyler Melody Johnson, hemophiliac.

58:23 Drew Hemophiliac.

58:24 Adam I am sometimes. I'm just saying, I don't need the six, just say the first name. I know your last name. I'll do that math. I don't need, you know what I mean? I don't need to put your name, I've known you for a while, right? And I don't need the weeks. I just need the year, first name, actually first letter in the year. So you go like 2K and that's it. No more talking. Yes?

58:47 Drew Till next year.

58:48 Adam Yeah, because you know what I have to do? Don't do it. Rumble. It will be rambling. You start getting into weeks. I will ramble.

58:56 Drew See, Will thought you were going to drop trowel.

58:57 Adam I might drop trowel. I'll drop trowel. Tell you what, I'll drop trowel. I will drop trowel. I will use a water soluble lube of my wrecked penis and I will insert it into your nether region. 829.29 to 8 o'clock at drag weather coming up. The fleetingly gay morning show host. Yes? All right. Will Sasso here tonight from Less Than Perfect. I'll tell you what, I'll drag around this guy.

59:26 Best Of This guy will drag around.

59:30 Adam I'll tell you what, I'll drag around. I'll get my wrecked veiny rod out at 69. 831.31 after 8 o'clock. Will Sasso here tonight. Funny, funny man. Funny, not so funny when you're 69. Hey, 29, 29, after 8 o'clock. We got a Cheap Trick Super Set coming up there, rocked over. Yeah, they're coming to town. They'll be coming to the Armory. I'll tell you what, we got tickets to give away and a signed guitar, too.

1:00:04 Caller Check this out.

1:00:07 Adam He's hitting his genitalia against the mic.

1:00:12 Caller Look at this. Look at what I got in my hat here.

1:00:14 Adam Wow.

1:00:17 Caller Touch it. That feels good.

1:00:21 Adam It spit at me. It's 2929 after eight o'clock.

1:00:26 Caller I'll tell you what, driving weather.

1:00:28 Adam Coming out of the top of the hour, slow and go on the 405, look out for brake lights.

1:00:31 Caller Yeah. Ouch.

1:00:33 Caller There you go.

1:00:34 Caller Eve.

1:00:36 Drew 15, Eve.

1:00:37 Adam Super gay morning for us.

1:00:39 Caller Eve.

1:00:40 Adam Gay morning zoo.

1:00:43 Drew Gazoo.

1:00:45 Adam Gay zoo.

1:00:46 Caller Eve.

1:00:48 Adam Eve's 15.

1:00:49 Drew Sleeping?

1:00:50 Oh, hi.

1:00:51 Drew There she goes.

1:00:52 Adam There she is. Eve, what's going on?

1:00:54 What's up, guys? I was just wondering how to get birth control, how and where I would get it. But do I have to have a parent with me or?

1:01:06 Drew Eve, I have to look up Pennsylvania, but most states, 14 is the cutoff. Really? But you can go to Planned Parenthood. They just find one in your area, and usually they have very inexpensive and certainly plenty of means to deliver birth control to you and give you screens so you can.

1:01:23 Adam Yeah. But what are you doing? You got a boyfriend?

1:01:26 Yeah, I have a boyfriend. And we've been going out for like eight months now, so.

1:01:33 Caller Are you having sex?

1:01:34 Yeah, but I'm not on the pill yet.

1:01:36 Drew So what are you doing for birth control?

1:01:38 A condom.

1:01:40 Adam How old is the guy?

1:01:41 I'm 17.

1:01:42 Drew How long till you're 16?

1:01:45 Caller Four years. Two months.

1:01:47 Drew Two months. All right.

1:01:48 Adam Two months. That's 128 weeks.

1:01:51 Caller How many is that?

1:01:52 Adam OK.

1:01:53 Caller That's 299.

1:01:54 Adam 299?

1:01:55 Caller Hours.

1:01:57 Adam So Eve, you'll be 16 a couple months. Drew doesn't like the 15, 17 year old thing. You're going to be 16 a couple months.

1:02:06 Drew It's getting close. 16 is really the lowest limit I can tolerate because I just see so many problems with kids having sex before 16.

1:02:13 Adam To me, it's like a, are you in the 10th grade?

1:02:16 Caller Yeah.

1:02:18 Drew Yes or no?

1:02:20 Caller Yes.

1:02:20 Drew 10th grade.

1:02:20 Adam Yes, you're in the 10th grade. So you will be an old 10th grader?

1:02:25 Caller Yes.

1:02:26 Adam Turning a little bit, a little bit, like in March or whatever. All right.

1:02:30 Caller All right. Yeah.

1:02:30 Adam Go to Planned Parenthood.

1:02:31 Drew Our Planned Parenthood number is 230-PLAN. Isn't that right?

1:02:34 Adam I don't know. But here's the thing, Drew. Isn't it also like whether you're in the 9th grade or the 10th grade?

1:02:40 Drew To some extent, but more than anything, it really is your neurobiological development.

1:02:47 Adam But if you're 9, but you're a senior in high school, wouldn't it be okay to have sex?

1:02:52 Drew See what I'm saying?

1:02:53 Adam I think I got him on this one. 829, 29, dropping trowel.

1:02:58 Drew Look at this.

1:03:00 Caller What's that little piece of skin there?

1:03:02 Caller Yeah, look at that.

1:03:03 Adam He did a little something called the turtle, drew it. Do the big bag, would you? Yeah, a sign guitar, drumstick, and a drumstick guitar.

1:03:15 Caller All right, Drew, you all right, buddy?

1:03:17 Drew I'm the National Planned Parenthood. Yeah, you can't find it. I guess 188-230-PLAN. 188-230-PLAN.

1:03:22 Adam All right, look, just go find one, would you?

1:03:25 Drew Yeah.

1:03:25 Adam Okay. Planned Parenthood coming to the Metric Show.

1:03:28 Caller Planned Parenthood with Maroon 5.

1:03:33 Adam Savage Garden and Planned Parenthood. Going to be at Foxy's coming up this Friday.

1:03:39 Caller Simple plan opening for us.

1:03:40 Drew Speaking of openings, look at this.

1:03:42 Caller Look at this.

1:03:45 Caller He's dialing it out, tell you what, right now.

1:03:48 Adam I could fold it in half and still fit in there. 8, 29, 29, up there at o'clock. You're listening to the Gay Morning Zoo. Drew, what about the Gay Morning Zoo? You'd listen to that, wouldn't you?

1:04:01 Caller Yes.

1:04:02 Adam We're giving away a Miata filled with chaps. You're the first one to call the Felsche line. Caller 129 of the Felsche line is going to be out of the fill of chaps. Yeah, the spent kind of Freddie Mercury years in 1979. Call it.

1:04:22 Caller We got a Queen Super Set coming up.

1:04:25 Adam A rager on the way. 8, 29, 29, after 8 o'clock. My name's Ace Rockolla. I'm Crackoactive. Drew, it's gotta be a morning gay zoo. All right, Drew, stop looking at that. I don't want to get rid of that crap. What'd you jackass? Drew gets obsessed with something, buries his face into it, and won't join the gay morning zoo.

1:04:50 Drew You guys are having fun. I'm not interested in the gay morning zoo anyway.

1:04:52 Adam Do you have to read right in front of me? Just find it. By the way, you had 40 minutes. You couldn't find it?

1:04:57 Drew Couldn't find it.

1:04:58 Adam All right, and why do you have to give her the number? Let her pick up the phone. She called information.

1:05:03 Caller All right.

1:05:04 Adam Why don't you get a little cheat sheet instead of 150 useless pages?

1:05:07 Drew We have one in Flambeere.

1:05:08 Adam Oh, we had everything around here.

1:05:11 Caller All right, forget it.

1:05:12 Adam Let's keep moving, Drew. Sharon, 18.

1:05:15 Drew Sharon, bye-bye.

1:05:16 Adam You ruined the whole gay morning zoo.

1:05:17 Drew Sharon, I'm glad.

1:05:18 Caller Sharon?

1:05:19 Yeah.

1:05:20 Adam You're 18?

1:05:21 Caller Yes, I am.

1:05:23 Adam What's going on?

1:05:24 Caller All right. Well, like when I have sex with my boyfriend and it happened with my ex-boyfriend also, like for the first about minute, it hurts like hell.

1:05:37 Drew Are you nervous when you're getting started?

1:05:39 Caller No.

1:05:41 Drew And does he have trouble actually penetrating?

1:05:44 Caller Yeah, it's really hard. I can only do it when I'm on top.

1:05:48 Caller Yeah.

1:05:49 Drew And do you lubricate normally?

1:05:51 Caller Yeah, we lubricate condoms and we use like KY and stuff.

1:05:59 Best Of The KY.

1:06:00 Adam That's going to be in the trunk of the side of the jab in the front. We're giving away the party patrols going to be coming to your neighborhood packed with KY and flavored condoms. We're going to be down there.

1:06:14 Best Of Lincoln Park will be there.

1:06:16 Adam We're going to be down to Cuffs and Cerritos having a smart cocktail if anyone's to join us.

1:06:20 Drew Hey Sharon.

1:06:21 Caller Yeah.

1:06:21 Drew Does your boyfriend give you enough time to sort of get going to be aroused?

1:06:26 Caller Yeah.

1:06:27 Drew There's enough foreplay.

1:06:28 Caller Yeah, definitely.

1:06:30 Drew It may just be you. I mean, some women do have anatomical issues and the fact that you can, it only is a minute or so of discomfort.

1:06:36 Caller What's the name of the, what was that? The vaginal cat scan that the, that the.

1:06:40 Adam Yeah, maybe we'll have that.

1:06:41 Drew The ultrasound.

1:06:42 Caller Yeah, she should have one of those. See how big the cervix is.

1:06:45 Drew No.

1:06:46 Adam I don't know.

1:06:46 Caller I'm not the doctor. Hey 29.

1:06:53 Adam Come on down, meet us at Cuff's for a smart cocktail. We have the listener with the bushiest mustache competition. He's going to walk away to the Savage Garden box set. Hey 29.

1:07:02 Caller 29 after 8 o'clock.

1:07:03 Best Of Come on down to the Gay Morning Zoo.

1:07:07 Adam Yeah?

1:07:07 Drew Yeah.

1:07:08 Adam All right, Drew.

1:07:08 Best Of We're going to be there.

1:07:09 Drew But anyway, Sharon, it may be just anatomical dysporesia.

1:07:13 Caller Dr. Drew's going to be there.

1:07:14 Adam Maybe it's Stethoscope Brown Snack and a green bandana hanging on his right pocket.

1:07:19 Caller You know what I'm saying, fellas?

1:07:21 Caller And we'll be auctioning them off.

1:07:23 Best Of We're raising money for whatever you want to do with them.

1:07:25 Caller Come on down.

1:07:29 Caller Five songs.

1:07:30 Adam Those people have suffered over there.

1:07:33 Caller I tell you, let's have a good time over here.

1:07:35 Adam We are going to hit you with a tidal wave of passion when you come on down to Cuffs and Charitas.

1:07:41 Best Of A bucket full of passion.

1:07:42 Caller Bucket fulls of smart cocktails.

1:07:44 Drew So Sharon, make sure you're not nervous. Make sure this.

1:07:46 Best Of Try the bottomless wine.

1:07:47 Drew Make sure there's adequate foreplay, adequate lubrication. There are sort of interventions they can use to kind of college to sort of expand things a little bit.

1:07:55 Best Of Three doors down is going to be down there with Maroon 5 and Savage Garden.

1:08:00 Adam Order up the bucket, the bottomless bucket of Calamari. First ones on the Ace Man.

1:08:07 Best Of Speaking of Calamari, check out this balloon knot.

1:08:12 Caller That's not the one with the tentacles.

1:08:13 Adam Look at the way Amel Poppers with every $10 donation. And the Tia Tsunmari flying over there. Drew will be over there doing Hep C checkups. No charge. Creed, the boys from Creed will be good looking cats, those guys. All right. Keep keep an eye out for the minivan party patrol. It's the purple minivan with the phallic hood symbol. It's got the limousine uncle. Tint, I mean the uncle Henry, Oogahorn. That's how you know they're coming to town. All right.

1:08:47 Best Of 8.25, 8.29, 8 o'clock.

1:08:50 Drew Take a break. Go for a break. Proud.

1:08:52 Adam You gotta ramble. All right. All right.

1:08:54 Drew Let's ramble on out of here.

1:08:56 Adam Nipple piercings also. Drew's going to be consulting on those.

1:09:00 Caller Hep C vacs.

1:09:02 Adam Pushiest mustache competitions.

1:09:04 Best Of Oh, there are cups and Cerritos.

1:09:07 Adam We'll be right back with news, traffic, and weather and T-cell counts after this. Yeah, it's not only the best of Loveline, but I'm gonna label this the best of the best of Loveline.

1:09:45 Drew Didn't you see, this is upcoming, this is my buddy Darryl Hammond, who I walked around the streets of Toronto with in the blackout, and Adam finally witnessed his theatrical triumph.

1:09:53 Adam Awesome.

1:09:54 Drew In New York Minutes. Did you watch the alternative endings yet?

1:09:57 Adam Haven't got to that point.

1:09:58 Drew You gotta watch it, Darryl and I are featured. Oh, really? Oh, yes. A couple weeks of our work was alternative.

1:10:05 Caller Oh, really?

1:10:06 Adam Well, one of the most talented and also most tortured fellas we know from Saturday Night Live and at New York Minute, Darryl Hammond. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Darryl Hammond is our guest tonight. Funny to remember.

1:10:34 Caller Ciao.

1:10:36 Adam It's Saturday Night Live.

1:10:38 Drew Let me just, wait, Darryl is trying to say something.

1:10:40 Best Of Oh, no, no, no. I said yes, sir.

1:10:44 Caller All right, quite true.

1:10:45 Adam I'll tell you when Darryl has got something to say. Sasha.

1:10:49 Caller Yes.

1:10:50 Adam You're 18? You're, I'm talking to Sasha because she's been on hold for 100 minutes.

1:10:57 Caller I got to get rid of her.

1:10:58 Adam Okay.

1:10:58 Caller All right.

1:10:59 Adam Sasha.

1:11:00 Caller Hello.

1:11:01 Adam It says here, although it's an interesting proposition, you're secretly in love with a girl who died?

1:11:07 Caller Yeah.

1:11:08 Adam Is this a friend of yours?

1:11:10 Caller Yeah, we met in school and we're like pretty much inseparable for a while.

1:11:16 Adam This was a best friend of yours?

1:11:18 Caller Yeah.

1:11:19 Adam How'd she die?

1:11:20 Caller In a car accident.

1:11:22 Adam And how, yeah, how long ago was this?

1:11:25 Caller Um, it was in October.

1:11:27 Drew Was it a romantic relationship?

1:11:30 Caller No, I never told her, you know, that I, you know, loved her or anything.

1:11:35 Adam Yeah, you had a crush on her while she was alive.

1:11:38 Caller Yeah, and I never told her, but, you know, I, she always knew that she was like a really special friend. And she let me know that I was special for her too.

1:11:48 Adam Yeah. Well, here's the, here's the problem when these kinds of tragedies happen. It is not only is, you know, somebody dead from a car crash, but whatever feelings you have, they just get amplified. They become sort of glorified. It'd be, yeah, eventually they become sort of bigger than they would have been.

1:12:10 Drew But also a lesbian relationship, you're a lesbian, right, Sasha?

1:12:14 Caller No, actually, I'm not.

1:12:16 Caller That's the problem.

1:12:18 Caller Like, my boyfriend now, who I'm really, you know, I really have deep feelings for him, but he feels like he's competing with a dead girl.

1:12:28 Adam Yeah, better than live competition, I can tell you that right now.

1:12:32 Drew Well, the deal is...

1:12:35 Caller That's my thing.

1:12:36 Adam My feelings, like, with dead, I don't care. You name the sport, softball, I'll take them, you know what I mean?

1:12:43 Drew Dead player, yeah.

1:12:44 Adam Yeah, Ted Williams, a great ball player, but I could take him. I could take him now.

1:12:48 Best Of You know what I'm saying?

1:12:50 Adam Yeah, but I mean, in this day, you know, no competition, obviously, but now that he's dead, I'll probably take him.

1:12:58 Drew Yeah. Probably.

1:13:00 Adam I mean, he still probably feels a little better than I do, but I think I'll take him and hit him.

1:13:04 Drew But Sasha, the fact that you don't want to open up and have intimate relations right now is understandable. You're still sort of reeling from this loss.

1:13:14 Adam But it also smacks of something else that's up.

1:13:16 Drew It does smack of something else.

1:13:18 Adam And so does this sort of bisexuality. And I know people get confused about that when they listen.

1:13:24 Drew But some of this may just be screwed up 17-year-old stuff.

1:13:26 Adam And there's that too. I mean, look, and this is definitely a loss. There's no doubt about it. And I don't know what to say about it other than you got to move forward.

1:13:38 Drew And she hasn't. It's been more than six months.

1:13:40 Adam Which means she was depressed or is depressed.

1:13:42 Drew It means getting depressed. And so it's worth having an evaluation, Sasha, talk to somebody who's used to deal with adolescent issues and get this properly checked out.

1:13:50 Caller Yeah.

1:13:51 Adam Yeah, I had a couple of good friends die when I was 18.

1:13:55 Caller And, yeah.

1:13:57 Drew Adolescents are actually profoundly affected by-

1:13:58 Caller Bounce right back.

1:13:59 Drew Well, they're usually profoundly affected by peers that die. Those that actually have feelings. Because adolescents don't think of themselves as moral. They don't think of themselves as biological. And they're sort of not supposed to die. And so when they do, it's very shattering to them. So, yeah.

1:14:14 Adam And probably confusing.

1:14:16 Drew Confusing, yeah.

1:14:17 Caller Laura?

1:14:19 Caller Yes.

1:14:19 Adam You're 23?

1:14:21 Caller You can call me Anna, though. I listen to you guys for years.

1:14:25 Caller All right.

1:14:26 Caller One of my questions is-

1:14:27 Adam I'll tell you what. We're going to call you what's on the screen, Laura. Because that'll screw me up.

1:14:32 Caller Okay.

1:14:33 Adam All right. Go ahead, Laura.

1:14:35 Caller My question is, have I been married for five years? I have a two-year-old son and me and my husband, we fight a lot and I went- for some reason, I got involved with another person on the side for a couple of months and they bugged over me and I weren't running back to my husband. But my question is, is maybe I'm finding myself having depression problems. I'm not sure if maybe I'm having a lot of problems with my relationship and I don't know.

1:14:58 Drew What do you mean maybe you're having and you don't know?

1:15:00 Caller You've- Go, go.

1:15:01 Caller Let's go ahead and put a check by that box.

1:15:03 Drew Yeah, you've said-

1:15:04 Adam Trouble with the relationship.

1:15:05 Drew Yeah, you said it's a horrible problem. You've been having affairs, you've run away. What do you mean? What are you asking?

1:15:10 Caller He's asking, how do you know if you feel like you're with the right person? Maybe if you feel like that you're a crafter.

1:15:17 Caller I ask myself every time I-

1:15:19 Adam same question every time I come into the studio.

1:15:20 Drew Yeah, I wanted myself.

1:15:22 Adam Hey, Laura, here's- Let's explore this for a second because I think people get into that, is this my soulmate? Is this the right person? They get into that a little too much in this society. It is- whoever you're with could be the right person, could be the wrong person depending on what you and the person make of it.

1:15:44 Drew Right. You have to be willing to try to establish a real relationship.

1:15:47 Adam And so do they.

1:15:48 Drew Yeah. The two of you need to be willing to do that. And if he's not willing to work on this and if he is stuck in this sort of acrimonious, painful, hostile relationship and doesn't want to let go of that, wants to try to make something peaceable and workable for you, that's not going to work.

1:16:04 Adam But we should also find out, like usually women who cheat or do what you did. And also, it says here the guy's 37.

1:16:13 Drew That means he was 32 when you were 18, when you got involved with him.

1:16:17 Adam Well, they've been married for five years, right? Yes. Do you have, are you, do you have a certain nationality or is it just, it's just, it's just, oh, oh.

1:16:27 Drew Translucent.

1:16:28 Adam Translucent, white trash.

1:16:30 Caller American.

1:16:32 Adam Okay, cause let me just talk about you behind your back for a second. I don't want to sound cruel, but once in a while, sometimes if you're super ultra, like purebred white trash, you could actually start sounding like you're from a, like an Eastern block country or something. I don't know. I'm not sure what it is. I was getting like almost a little bit of an accent.

1:16:47 Caller Yeah, yeah.

1:16:48 Adam It's not Laura? All right, so what went so, so wrong in your family of origin that you got hooked up with this 30, well, you got married at 18 and he was 32. God knows how old you were when you hooked up with the guy.

1:17:03 Drew What were you running away from at home?

1:17:06 Caller Mm, my mother was having a lot of problems with my mother.

1:17:09 Adam Yeah. Where was your dad? Not around?

1:17:12 Caller No, my dad was like a really bad loser, sexual abusing.

1:17:16 Caller Oh, all right.

1:17:18 Adam There we go. All right, that's trouble. And now we really don't trust this guy. Yeah. And you were, how old were you, by the way, when you hooked up with this guy? We can't hear her answer.

1:17:32 Caller About 16 or 17.

1:17:33 Adam All right. 16 or 17?

1:17:35 Drew 15 or 14. Yeah.

1:17:37 Adam Let's, we'll always go down on that one.

1:17:39 Drew Yeah.

1:17:39 Adam It's sort of like weight.

1:17:40 Drew Yeah.

1:17:41 Adam Except for the weight, you go the other direction. Age, we go this way. Weight, we go up.

1:17:45 Drew That would hurt 14 him at 28.

1:17:47 Adam You have, you have one child with him?

1:17:50 Caller Yes.

1:17:51 Adam Yes?

1:17:52 Caller Yeah.

1:17:53 Adam Okay. Okay. So a couple of things, just damage control stuff. No more goddamn kids. Because you're not in any shape and neither is he. That's number one. Number two, you got to get yourself some help. Otherwise you're going to screw this kid up worse than you got screwed up.

1:18:07 Drew At least get yourself some help. Whether or not he wants to participate in it or not, at least you can take yourself, get some help.

1:18:11 Caller Like marriage account counseling, maybe I have like a depression problem. I think that's why I'm sure you do.

1:18:18 Drew Well, I'm sure you do with the sexual abuse and all that stuff. You're going to be very prone to that. But you also probably have what's called a personality disorder, which is the result of having been traumatized as a kid. And that's something that needs to be dealt with. How do you know that?

1:18:30 Best Of What's a personality disorder?

1:18:31 Drew Well, in her case, it's a chronic lifestyle of dysfunctional chaotic relationships. That's a sign of it.

1:18:41 Adam Uh-oh.

1:18:42 Best Of And Darryl, for that one.

1:18:45 Adam And Hop say, oh, no, I think we really struck a nerve with Hop. Clearly uncomfortable with this line of question. It must have hurt you through that. All right.

1:18:57 Best Of So that's how you know you have a personality disorder. You have chaotic relationships.

1:19:02 Drew Not exclusively, but it's trauma history, chaotic relationships, unstable difficulty maintaining jobs, unstable mood states, intense relationship. All this stuff is part of trauma survivorship. Laura. PTSD, Borland Personality Disorder. Okay.

1:19:15 Adam Here's what, here's all you really need to understand from this conversation, which is, if you were sexually abused by your father, you have to get some counseling.

1:19:25 Drew Right.

1:19:26 Adam All right.

1:19:26 Drew And depression would be expected.

1:19:28 Caller I've had counseling. I had therapy when I was really young.

1:19:32 Drew Well, in the case of that.

1:19:33 Adam Yeah, but that's just making crap out of clay.

1:19:35 Drew I mean, that was that was banned.

1:19:36 Adam You got to get into it a little bit now.

1:19:38 Best Of And it could last for a long time.

1:19:40 Drew Yeah, it should.

1:19:41 Best Of It should last for a long time.

1:19:42 Adam Oh, I would tell you, I would love to be a counselor for a judge. That's what I want to do. Ultimately, I want to counsel, like, five year olds. Well, you're molested. Here's some clay. I'm going to be smoking. Let me I'll come back. I'll be come back. What about for 50 for 45, 50 minutes is what you made there. That's OK. That's daddy's punching mommy. All right. Great. That's 90 dollars. We'll see you next week. All right. Bring some clay, though, because mine dried up. Bring clay. I'm going to smoke another butt. You're going to work on some clay some more. Who's coming in? I got to buy more of those mini chairs. I got to buy the small chairs. Yeah, there you go. Child Council. OK. And what's that drawing? What is that? That's daddy stabbing mommy. OK, that's 90 dollars. We're going to try to get some more clay and I can pick up a pack of smokes. You're going out and in the mini bean bag too. Not just a mini chair, a small bean bag. I'll get some colorful carpeting. It'll be great. Yeah, that's it. I'll get some nonsense, say indoor, outdoor carpet. You work with clay. I'll sit here like a genius. By the way, I may write a children's book too. This is going to be great. I've got two words on every page. I'll get someone else to illustrate. It'll be huge.

1:20:55 Caller Yeah. All right.

1:20:58 Best Of Well done.

1:20:59 Adam Yeah. I really like to just work with people that were sort of... I like to work with kids who are sort of pre-speech. That would be my job.

1:21:10 Caller Yeah. Okay.

1:21:11 Adam Drew, that's all they do. You work with clay.

1:21:14 Caller You do. Okay.

1:21:15 Adam You know I'm right. Children's books. I'm right about that one. You don't have to do anything right.

1:21:21 Caller That's right.

1:21:23 Adam And by the way, the greatest children's novelist there, I mean if you call yourself a novelist, the greatest children's book writer of all time is Dr. Seuss and break his work down. Really take a good look at Green Eggs and Ham. Take a good, good hard look at it.

1:21:41 Best Of What do you see when you look at that?

1:21:43 Adam I see something I could have crapped out in about 15, 20 minutes. I couldn't have drawn it. Say that, but in a train? Yeah, no. How about in a plane? No. How about in a box? No. How about with a fox? Really? This is genius, everybody. Amazing. No one else could have done this.

1:22:00 Best Of All right, I'm bitter because I didn't think of it.

1:22:02 Adam I didn't think of it.

1:22:02 Best Of I always thought a lot of that book.

1:22:04 Adam Yeah, well, something called Hop on Pop.

1:22:05 Best Of I mean, a guy named Sam, I am.

1:22:08 Adam Sam, I am, Hop on Pop. And by the way, didn't this guy have a wife? No, Dr. Seuss. I was like, I got an idea for books called Hop on Pop. Yeah, why don't you get on those leaves? Get out of the yard. Get busy.

1:22:22 Caller Yeah, Sam, I am.

1:22:23 Adam How about Sam, I am and make with the garbage cans, would you?

1:22:27 Best Of I heard Lincoln's wife was all over him all the time. Really?

1:22:30 Drew She was nuts.

1:22:31 Best Of Yeah. You're always emancipating. What the hell enough with the emancipation?

1:22:36 Drew Her son had her put away.

1:22:38 Adam Really? Oh yeah, that's right.

1:22:40 Best Of The rights of man, the rights of man. And that's all I hear from you is the rights of man. Get at, you know, I want to go to a taffy poll and you want to emancipate.

1:22:51 Adam They always do that. They always say like, you know, behind every great man is a great one. But what about all the nice saying wives historically been talking about writing Lincoln?

1:23:01 Best Of She was hell on him.

1:23:03 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:23:03 Best Of Yeah.

1:23:04 Adam What about that, Drew? Your wife yelling at you all the time. You want to write a book? She's mad.

1:23:09 Drew No, it's not good. It's good.

1:23:10 Adam Yeah. You just say that because she may be listening. My wife is all the time like, oh, you can't get on. Will you shut up already? I can't concentrate.

1:23:20 Best Of One of the things that you say that just don't make any sense like, you know, I'm tired. You're always tired. That's because I'm always working. You're always working. I mean, you know, sometimes they seem ludicrous. But I mean, when you have a kid, it gets complicated, doesn't it, Doctor?

1:23:34 Adam Yeah. Does your wife yell at you to stop doing impressions of her, though?

1:23:38 Best Of I don't even do them in our house.

1:23:39 Adam That you're so beaten down. No. That's so broken. So broken at home, Drew. I'm scared to talk around my house. My wife just says, okay, would you quiet? Just watch the soprano.

1:23:50 Drew Big casino. Big casino.

1:23:51 Adam Big casino. Big cascada. Quiet. And this is how I shut up for 10 seconds. And she's like, Stu Gatz, you don't talk.

1:23:58 Drew What is it about your life, Adam, that everywhere you go and everything you do, you want to talk, people tell you to shut up.

1:24:03 Adam Yeah.

1:24:04 Drew But- That's the life you've created for yourself.

1:24:05 Adam Well, when I shut up for 10 minutes, everyone starts yelling at me. That you're Stu Gatz. Stu Gatz. Yeah, that's the other thing. It's like, I need some sort of in-between mode. Everyone will be happy. Like, I say a word like every one point, every like 2.8 seconds, just one word, like, at.

1:24:22 Best Of Just don't shut up. Shut up for three minutes to five minutes. Work it in with moderation.

1:24:28 Caller Shut up!

1:24:29 Adam I'm going to do that right now, actually, for exactly four minutes. Daryl Hammond in the studio tonight. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:24:39 Caller Loveline, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:24:41 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:25:01 Adam Hey, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew over there.

1:25:07 Caller Matt?

1:25:08 Caller Yeah.

1:25:09 Adam Hey, champ, what's happening? How you doing, dude? Looking good, looking good, Matt.

1:25:14 Caller Thanks.

1:25:15 Adam 15, what's going on?

1:25:17 Caller I got Florida, Germany for you.

1:25:19 Adam It's Germany or Florida, isn't it?

1:25:21 Drew I don't know what he means when he says Florida.

1:25:22 Adam Yeah, it doesn't register.

1:25:24 Caller Sorry, Germany or Florida.

1:25:25 Drew Oh, okay.

1:25:25 Adam All right.

1:25:26 Caller All right.

1:25:26 Adam It's time to play Germany or Florida.

1:25:28 Caller Oh, Florida.

1:25:31 Adam Who is that?

1:25:32 Drew Andy Dick.

1:25:32 Caller That is Andy.

1:25:34 Caller All right.

1:25:34 Caller A man hired a dominatrix to have an affair with and while having sex, the hotel room next door caught on fire and the dominatrix ran out, leaving the man tied to the bed where he burned to death.

1:25:44 Caller Germany or Florida.

1:25:46 Drew It sounds Germany.

1:25:47 Adam It sounds German. It sounds German.

1:25:48 Drew Because he just told us he was.

1:25:51 Adam Yeah, Germany. I'm going with Germany. Yeah, that's bad times. Yeah.

1:25:58 Caller Oh yeah, very bad times.

1:26:00 Drew Thank you for confirming that, man.

1:26:01 Adam Thanks, man. Thanks for playing Germany or Florida. You know, the last thing that came out of his mouth while the bed was on fire was probably his safe word.

1:26:10 Caller Yeah.

1:26:11 Adam Ironically.

1:26:12 Drew Yes, a lot of good that did.

1:26:15 Adam Yeah, farfugnugen was probably like his safe word, you know, because when you have, when you're in the dominatrix thing, you got to have a word that's like uncle. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why. Stop it. I don't know why you just can't really, you know, just yell at the person like, hey, Kayab, you know, why can't you just yell I'm serious? Knock it off.

1:26:33 Drew Cause that screws it.

1:26:34 Adam It's not funny.

1:26:35 Drew They want to hear some of that.

1:26:36 Adam Right. So you come up with your own safe word which is while the person's beating the crap out of you. Yeah. And until you hear hippopotamus, it's game on. And so it's like, so, so that way you can be like, Oh, oh no, it hurts. Oh, stop, stop. It hurts. But until they yell hippopotamus, it's fine. And then anyway, it stops the confusion because you whack them and they'd be, Oh, it hurts. Oh, so sorry, sweetie. Oh, no, no, I was just playing along.

1:26:59 Drew I've never, I've never been seen, witnessed this or been involved with it. But you know how people are be like, really? Is it really hippopotamus? Really? How about just a little more of that? You know, I'm sure it in a negotiation begins immediately. Yeah. As soon as hippopotamuses are.

1:27:13 Adam No, it's not hippopotamus time. I beat the crap out of you a lot, a lot longer and a lot harder than this before the H word kept flying out.

1:27:21 Drew Okay. Okay. I'm ready now. Okay. All right.

1:27:23 Adam So take back the hippopotamus.

1:27:24 Drew Okay. Ready. Okay.

1:27:25 Adam Okay.

1:27:26 Drew I don't know. Hippopotamus, right? Isn't that how it would go?

1:27:30 Adam I just, the guy's wearing like a, you know, leather hood. She's wearing the nine inch stiletto heels. And let me explain, let me tell you something with me. I can barely, barely remember the alarm code on my house. My safe word, I'd be getting this whip cracked on my ass. The safe word I would have long since forgotten.

1:27:54 Drew Here's the thing, you've got no engine going. So this seems foreign and bizarre to you. I can't be bothered with this S, so it's foreign to me. It's the people in the middle there that must make sense to me.

1:28:08 Adam Here's the thing, yes, I barely have a heartbeat, so I'm not into getting kicked around sexually. Drew would look at this and so much styrofoam packing peanuts before he actually got to his parcel, the vagina. That's the parcel, you understand? The whole female form. Let's get to it, let's get to it. Yeah, I don't need all this styrofoam, all the packing, all the frill, the bubble wrap, get it out of the way. I got to open this box. That's true. Yeah, it's like, yeah, that thing.

1:28:46 Drew Adam looks at the box, goes, oh, right, you wouldn't even, you look at the styrofoam packing, you go, oh, fuck.

1:28:53 Adam I'd probably fall asleep on it. Yeah, but yeah, that's the whole thing, the whole dominatrix thing. It's just like, it's too much work. Plus, you start laughing, you know, about 10 minutes into it, I mean, you couldn't keep it with a straight face.

1:29:06 Drew No.

1:29:07 Adam Calling your old lady mistress something. Now, she's come up with some sort of crazy mistress name.

1:29:13 Drew Adam, you're just not a creative person.

1:29:15 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:29:17 Drew See what I'm talking about?

1:29:20 Adam Kristen?

1:29:21 Caller Yeah.

1:29:22 Caller You're 15?

1:29:23 Caller Yeah.

1:29:24 Drew How long have you been on hold?

1:29:25 Adam 119 minutes?

1:29:28 Caller I've been on hold for like two hours.

1:29:33 Adam Well, that's kind of an exaggeration, Sweet Pea, because you've only, since when is 119 minutes and 43 seconds? Two hours. You see, you're full 17 seconds away from making that claim, Sweetie. You understand?

1:29:51 Caller Yeah.

1:29:52 Caller Yeah.

1:29:52 Adam And that's it. That's 17 seconds. That's a lifetime.

1:29:56 Caller All right.

1:29:59 Adam Hold on. I'd like to put you on hold just so you could actually make it to two hours. All right. Where are we on the clock here, Drew?

1:30:08 Caller 48, 49, 50.

1:30:10 Adam We're 119 minutes and 55 seconds. 56. I'm going to try to hit her.

1:30:17 Caller What line is she on?

1:30:19 Adam All right. 120, straight up.

1:30:21 Drew Yep. Got it.

1:30:22 Adam Exactly two hours you've been on hold.

1:30:25 Drew No longer lying or exaggerating.

1:30:26 Adam That's right. To the second. All right. What's happened to baby doll?

1:30:32 Caller I wanted to know why guys can't stay hard when they're croaked out.

1:30:36 Adam Well, if I had a nickel for every 15-year-old that needed an answer to this question.

1:30:41 Drew Two hours for that, too. Whenever something is stimulating the sympathetic nervous system, it's a part that sort of increases your heart rate and your blood pressure, the stimulating part of your autonomic nervous system that tends to go against sexual performance.

1:30:56 Adam And did Kristen drop out? Are we still having this phone problem?

1:31:00 Drew We're having the phone problem.

1:31:01 Caller No, I'm still here.

1:31:02 Adam Oh, okay.

1:31:05 Drew You're 15. What's the deal?

1:31:06 Adam What do you got going there?

1:31:08 Drew Yeah.

1:31:08 Caller Well, I mean, like, I'm always ready to go or whatever. You know, if it's like both of us coked out or whatever. But it's just there, you know, like, it's happened to me twice with two different guys.

1:31:18 Drew Two different guys, both you and they are coked out. You're 15. I think things aren't going quite the way they should in your life.

1:31:27 Adam I know.

1:31:27 Drew Yeah, Kristen.

1:31:28 Adam Where's, what's going on with your family?

1:31:32 Caller Not much.

1:31:33 Drew Do you have a family?

1:31:35 Caller Well, my mom and dad, like, never got married. But like, like we just moved out from my stepdad's house and they're going to get divorced sometimes here.

1:31:46 Caller All right.

1:31:47 Adam Well, let me, let me impart a little wisdom before we hang up, especially since you've been on hold for two hours.

1:31:54 Drew It's been abusive.

1:31:56 Adam Here's the thing, Kristen, you're 15, you sound like you're in your late 30s and-

1:32:03 Drew Coming off a tour in Vietnam or Iraq.

1:32:06 Caller Yeah.

1:32:07 Adam And the future does not look bright for young Kristen. And here's the thing, here's the thing. This is all, if I can get any message across tonight, beside a whole bunch of stuff I got about traffic and weatherman and stuff like that, and a few high school football stories, I can get any message across tonight. It's, I can see what's coming.

1:32:32 Drew And it's looking grim.

1:32:33 Adam And it's not looking good. And it will be upon you quickly. And there is the ability to change. But if you just sort of, here's the whole thing. You're like in a barrel that's on a river that's heading for Niagara Falls. If you just sort of sit back, you're going over the falls soon. You got to start paddling in the other direction. You got to start working at something. And you can laugh all you want. You can screw around. You can do whatever. Check back with us. Twelve months. No, check back with us. Call us when you're 19. Let's see how you're doing. A couple of kids, abusive husband, in and out of the joint, incarcerated. Maybe one of the kids taken away from you, child custody services.

1:33:25 Caller Well, it's not like you coke all the time or anything.

1:33:27 Adam All that stuff. I'm just saying I can hear it in your voice. I can hear where you're going. And it's a bad place. And what you need to do is you need to stop doing the drugs. You need to not get pregnant. You need to focus on whatever you got going. Are you going to school at all?

1:33:44 Caller Yeah.

1:33:46 Adam Yes?

1:33:47 Caller Yeah, I make pretty good grapes.

1:33:49 Drew Yeah, focus on that.

1:33:50 Adam Please focus on that.

1:33:51 Drew Get out of that family. Go to college somewhere.

1:33:53 Adam I know your family are all horrible losers. Please do not be one of them.

1:33:59 Caller Well, I mean, it's not like I do coke a lot. I've done it maybe two or three times.

1:34:02 Drew Kristen, you don't hear her. Forget the coke.

1:34:04 Adam You know what? You know what huge losers your family is? Right?

1:34:09 Caller They're losers.

1:34:10 Caller My mom's in there. She makes like $40 an hour.

1:34:14 Caller Oh, really?

1:34:15 Caller Yeah.

1:34:16 Adam But she's been hooked on some pain meds and had a couple of bad marriages, right?

1:34:23 Caller No, she just had like one bad marriage.

1:34:25 Caller Okay.

1:34:27 Adam Here's all I'm saying. Stop doing the coke.

1:34:29 Caller You're 15 for Christ's sake and quit screwing.

1:34:31 Drew Yeah. Just relax. Just forget about the guys a little bit. Focus on school. Stop the drugs. You're going. You're really forget. Don't defend what you're doing. It's just a matter of fact. You're going down a bad path. That's the fact.

1:34:46 Adam I can just hear, I can hear her voice. She sounds like burnt out white trash at 15. I know that voice. That's that raspy. I know that voice. I see that you're going to have two kids and you're going to be picking at yourself in a few years. Yeah, just picking. Bone skinny, sun blasted, just picking at yourself and chain smoking.

1:35:08 Drew She's going to move to Vegas or Florida.

1:35:10 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:35:11 Caller Yeah.

1:35:11 Adam You're going to... No, you might be going to Nevada, not Vegas.

1:35:16 Caller Yeah.

1:35:19 Adam Yeah, would have worked. Take a little break. We'll be right back.

1:35:24 Caller All right, guys. Here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:35:29 Best Of One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

1:35:32 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:35:34 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:35:47 Adam It is the best of Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. And now that we're, well, wait, we're done with everybody.

1:35:55 Drew We're out of show.

1:35:56 Adam Will Sasso, Darryl Hammond, Jason Bateman, Andy Dick.

1:35:59 Drew Thanks to all of them.

1:36:00 Adam A cavalcade of celebrities. We will take ourselves a little 22-hour break. And until next time, this Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew is saying, Mahalo.

1:36:12 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:36:16 Best Of The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station.

1:36:24 Caller The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2005