Episode 1000687302755

10:22 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline. With Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

10:46 Voiceover Yes, it is. Hello there, kiddies. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew is a board certified physician and an addiction medicine specialist. And tonight, it gives me great pleasure to welcome to the show Tom Burbine. Tom is, I'm going to call an astrophysicist.

11:09 Drew A planetary science specialist.

11:11 Adam Yeah.

11:12 Drew A scientist.

11:12 Adam I think you get laid faster with that. Okay, astrophysicist. And Tom was one of the two very generous people that donated $15,000 to come on this program to the Tsunami Relief Fund. We went out to dinner with Tom and his lovely boy toy, Kevin.

11:30 Drew Cohort.

11:31 Adam Yeah, I don't think they're dating, but I'm positive they're having sex. And because they followed me out to the station and I couldn't see Tom's head most of the time. I was looking at my rear view. I drove together. Yeah. Kevin had a very satisfied look on his face. It was missing a lot of shifts. So, Tom is an interesting story, but I'll let him tell it on the air. What brought you here, Tom?

11:58 Tom Burbine I've been listening to the show for a year since 1999. While I was working on my PhD thesis, I would listen to Loveline-

12:04 Drew At MIT.

12:04 Tom Burbine At MIT, I would listen to Loveline from 10 to 12 and write my thesis. So I listened and I was inspired. One of the first episodes I heard was when Pennywise barricaded you in the studio. I thought this is the greatest show. Then I-

12:17 Drew By the way, it was not a good time.

12:19 Tom Burbine Yeah.

12:19 Drew You didn't ask us to tell you that whole story. It's a whole story there.

12:22 Adam In true-

12:22 Drew Poo-poo city.

12:23 Adam We have a lot of stoned, semi-retarded listeners, well, most all of them. MIT, it's like he goes to school that makes myths, I think is what they think. Explain a little, blow a little air up MIT's ass for a second.

12:39 Tom Burbine MIT stands for Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It's the top engineering school. All the sciences are either one or two, usually tied with Harvard or Caltech. I was a planetary science major, so I did research on asteroids.

12:54 Adam Yeah.

12:54 Tom Burbine It's a fun place. They had lots of monies.

12:57 Adam Monies.

12:58 Drew Yeah.

13:00 Tom Burbine I was able to take trips every year. I went to Prague, I went to Berlin, I went to Copenhagen and it was fun. I saw Bill Gates there.

13:08 Adam Wow. Like, nerd off. Calling all nerds. Showdown.

13:12 Tom Burbine And since everybody was so-

13:14 Adam You hear that, you know, the good, bad and the ugly wizard? Tom goes for his pocket protector, Gates reaches for a slide rule.

13:26 Tom Burbine And since everyone was so nerdy there, I was considered one of the cool guys.

13:29 Adam No, you are like the Chuck Heston of nerds.

13:33 Tom Burbine Yes, yes. I would date the prettiest girls who lived in my dorm. People wanted to hang out with me because I seemed like I was having the fun time.

13:39 Adam No, better, yeah, no, it's better, better to be the starting quarterback of nerds than sort of the third string guy on the football team.

13:49 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yes, yes.

13:51 Adam It's like, it's like sometimes when they say, you know, the guy, there's that one guy's everyone, all the other guys are playing like rugby and baseball and this guy takes the ballet class and everyone makes fun of him until they realize it's him and 26 chicks who have eating disorders and low self-esteem and he has to work them out and stuff, it's like, no, wait a minute, genius, smart.

14:13 Drew So that's true.

14:14 Adam Shrewd, Tom, king of the nerds.

14:17 Tom Burbine And the girls are much hotter there than you would think. They're much hotter.

14:20 Adam Really?

14:20 Tom Burbine Yes, yes, as you walk around campus, you'll be shocked at what the girls look like.

14:23 Adam Really?

14:24 Tom Burbine Yes.

14:24 Drew Okay, don't hold your breath.

14:27 Adam So shocked.

14:27 Drew He now teaches or is doing research and teaching in the Pioneer Valley where I went to college.

14:32 Adam Yeah.

14:32 Drew And he brought his gifts from the Pioneer Valley.

14:35 Adam I love it. Drew, how often do I bring up the Pioneer Valley?

14:38 Drew Look at that. Look at this. Look at that.

14:41 Adam Yeah, that's Amherst. That's Drew's alma mater.

14:43 Drew Jeffrey Amherst Bookstore.

14:44 Adam Lord Jeff smoking a four-foot-long pipe and reading.

14:48 Drew With little smallpox mixed in there with the pipe.

14:51 Tom Burbine So I wanted to get you something that had some meaning, so I got you an Amherst College T-shirt.

14:55 Drew Oh, God bless you.

14:56 Adam Drew, that's big stuff for you.

14:58 Drew That's huge. Oh, that's awesome.

14:59 Adam Oh, Lord Jeff. Nice.

15:05 Tom Burbine I also got you an Amherst College mug.

15:08 That's huge.

15:08 Drew I'm in heaven.

15:09 Tom Burbine It's huge.

15:10 Drew My college never sends me anything.

15:11 Really?

15:12 Drew Except requests for money.

15:13 Tom Burbine I will make sure you speak there.

15:14 Thank you for making requests for money.

15:17 Drew Oh, yeah.

15:17 Adam Drew, this is your new mug.

15:18 Drew Yeah, it is.

15:19 Tom Burbine Yeah.

15:20 Drew Right this second.

15:21 Tom Burbine Adam, I wanted to get you that had as much meaning for you as Drew's alma mater is to him, so I got you a Taboo II DVD.

15:28 Drew Oh, my God.

15:29 Tom Burbine You can never have enough of those. I'm sure you have many.

15:33 Adam I have two, but now one for the SUV. Yes. Ever since they put the monitor in the headrest, I've been looking for something to do. Yeah.

15:40 Drew Oh, my God.

15:41 Adam Yeah. I may break into the theme at some point tonight too.

15:44 Tom Burbine Yeah. Because I got two Drew presents, I figured I'd you get a second one. And at dinner, you said you've never seen this. I got you New York Minute.

15:51 Drew Oh, awesome.

15:53 This is great.

15:55 Tom Burbine We watched that all afternoon. We cateaked it. We were so impressed with the movie.

15:59 Adam I'm excited. You could have got me Drew's book too. I haven't seen that.

16:03 Drew Yeah. He knows better than doing that. That won't get read.

16:06 Adam Well, when James Earl Jones does it on tape, you can get me that. That is awesome.

16:12 Drew We got to watch the outtake of the ending that didn't actually make it into the movie.

16:17 Adam Listen, you're talking to a guy who just got done watching all three Karate Kids trilogy and the fourth one actually with the chick. So I will watch this as soon as I get home. Thank you, Tom. What?

16:31 Tom Burbine I got you some food.

16:32 Adam Wow.

16:32 Drew Oh my God.

16:34 Tom Burbine Gourmet popcorn.

16:35 Adam Wow.

16:36 Tom Burbine And in the tin, just in case you're ever trapped here and need to use that as a toilet, we got that just in case.

16:43 Drew This is a step up in toilets compared to what you were picking.

16:46 Adam Well, the decorative tin I used to crap into was a little bit tall.

16:49 Tom Burbine Caramel Rocky Road.

16:51 Adam Wow. Drew will go right through this. Oh my God.

16:56 Drew Oh my God.

16:58 Adam What a man you are.

16:59 Tom Burbine Yes. Only the best for you guys.

17:00 Adam All right. I want to talk. All right, Drew, put that lid on there. Is it empty enough to crap in yet or should we get a few more? It'll stick on there like a pecan log. All right. Tom knows more about the asteroids in outer space than anyone were ever going to get on this show. I'm curious. I've got about 100,000 questions, but I guess everyone's number one thing is, what killed the dinosaurs and when is something big going to hit this planet? Better yet, how much notice really would we have if something was really on a collision course with this planet? And what could we do about it?

17:45 Tom Burbine It depends. I mean, there's nothing big that's going to hit the earth in the near future. So we've seen a lot of the asteroids probably bigger than a kilometer and there's nothing on a collision course. But a lot of times small stuff like a few hundred meters, we don't see till it actually passes the earth. So it could actually hit the earth and there's stuff all over space.

18:04 Adam Now when you say passes the earth, you mean it could go around it and slingshot?

18:08 Tom Burbine Yes. But most of these things are actually in orbit around the sun. They're now in the orbit around the earth.

18:13 Drew But as it's passing, is there a certain distance from the earth at which point it comes into view?

18:18 Tom Burbine Yes. Usually the bigger it is, it's easier to see.

18:22 Drew Generally, it gives an average.

18:24 Tom Burbine These things go from the biggest asteroids about-

18:26 Drew What would it be, would it be hours before you-

18:29 Tom Burbine It depends. If something's on collision course, we might see it or we might not.

18:33 Drew At all.

18:34 Tom Burbine Yes. A lot of these things actually burn up in the atmosphere.

18:38 Adam So really something could be on a collision course, something of a substantial size and we might not see it.

18:44 Tom Burbine Yes. There's telescopes, but they don't see everything. It's very underfunded. They spend money, but not that much money. It's usually some old guys seeing in the telescope looking for these things. They do have-

18:56 Adam I've seen the movie. The guy's always sipping from a flask and nodding off when he catches a glimpse of something, and then he gets on the hotline before you know it, you're waking the president up. What's the president? It's always four in the morning when something hits and can't be noon. Never present, just bright-eyed and bushed out, hello, president? Yeah, I'm awake. What's up? He always does the other thing where he goes for his glasses and says, sweet love of Christ. You know what I mean? I got to wake everyone up.

19:19 Drew Oh, why not?

19:20 Adam Nothing could happen at noon?

19:21 Drew Of course not.

19:22 Adam All right. So we might not see it, even if it was on a collision course.

19:26 Tom Burbine Yeah. Some comets go on these orbits and sometimes they only pass around the sun once, so there could be a comet on the collision course right now, and we would not see it till it starts getting closer, and it's sort of the volatiles start burning off.

19:39 Adam Is there any plan?

19:41 Drew The volatiles burn off.

19:43 Adam Yeah. I love that. Is there anything that, do we have any plan for shooting a missile or anything, or doing anything like that?

19:51 Tom Burbine People are doing studies. They're trying to actually blow up, not blow up an asteroid, but divert an asteroid that's coming close, that isn't not just a practice, because what you want to do is just change the orbit. The problem is for actually destroying it, is all the material would actually hit the earth still. So you would actually try to-

20:08 Adam Do more damage. It'd be like a shotgun as opposed to a bullet, right?

20:11 Tom Burbine So they want to practice moving these things and just changing the orbit. So if we find one on the collision course, we could tell if it's going to hit the earth maybe in a few hundred years. So that would give us enough time to actually divert its orbit. We would use our technology. They like to use neutron bombs because they won't destroy the asteroid, but they give it a type of force to actually change its orbit.

20:31 Adam I always feel sorry, like I said, for the good folks of Hiroshima and Nagasaki when they go, if an asteroid the size of a football field hit this planet, it would land with 500 times the force of Nagasaki. It always sounds like, what are they complaining about? 500 times. Yeah, see, that's a lot. What you got? Yeah, it was an explosion. It's like a firecracker.

20:53 Tom Burbine I've been to Hiroshima and it's amazing the devastation. They have a model before and all these buildings are there and after. Only about three buildings were standing and the rest of the city was just devastated.

21:01 Adam Evidently, that was like nothing. I mean, we're in our infancy with this device. You know what I mean? Now, we have stuff that fits in lunch pails. It could do 500 times that damage, which is freaky if you think about it. But whenever they talk about one of these asteroids or something, they talk about the size of a Winnebago doing damage like Hiroshima. Is that true? What size would one have to be before size of a house, size of a football field?

21:32 Tom Burbine Actually, I had my students calculate the mass.

21:35 Adam Hassan, chop!

21:36 Tom Burbine About a million, I think about a million pounds would cause about the same damage as Hiroshima. It's all one half MV squared, so it's the mass times the velocity squared, and then they're coming down about 20 kilometers per second.

21:47 Adam Well, I don't want to, first off, Chris has been talking about this, the velocity times the speed.

21:53 Drew The impulse, it's called the impulse. The impulse.

21:55 Adam We're talking our ear off about this stuff for the last few weeks. We never, until now, made any sense of it. But junior college math over here.

22:03 Drew It's making sense now.

22:04 Adam Yeah, you say a million pounds?

22:08 Tom Burbine Yeah, about a million pounds.

22:09 Adam But what, and I know these things have a dense mass to them. Like what size are we talking about physically?

22:16 Tom Burbine I think a kilometer or two. It's not very big. I mean, it's about a mile across. Yeah, half a mile to a mile would cause severe damage to the earth, to a city.

22:24 Drew I mean, but the thing is, what would happen with the earth actually move?

22:27 Tom Burbine Would this fly off? No, the earth would stay, but all the material, it would be just like a nuclear bomb coming off. All the energy would be in a small place, boom, and all the material would be thrown up in the sky. So if something's big enough, like 5, 10, 15 kilometers, all the material goes in the sky, and supposedly it will blot out the sun, and also there's going to be lots of forest fires, it would be severe devastation.

22:49 Drew It hits the water, which is likely to hit the ocean.

22:51 Tom Burbine You have a tsunami.

22:52 Drew So you're going to have a gigantic.

22:53 Adam But if you hit the ocean, you don't get the nuclear winter thing, right? Phenomenon, I mean, if it hits the water, you don't get the dust cloud, right?

23:02 Tom Burbine Yeah, I would think not, but you'd have this huge tsunamis.

23:05 Adam Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, let the coastal community deal with that. We don't have to worry about that.

23:10 Tom Burbine In the Earth, three-quarters ocean, so more likely, it's going to hit in the ocean than the.

23:13 Adam But I think if we're, if we're, well, first, we pray it hits someone we don't like, somewhere in the Middle East, number one. Yeah. How's Allah going to explain this one? Number one, but number two, we hope it hits a body of water more than it hits a landmass in terms of the overall destruction. I'm assuming.

23:34 Drew I think water would be the worst because it just spread the energy.

23:36 Adam Well, it's going to do a ton of damage everywhere, but you're not going to get the cloud which is going to block out the sun and create the nuclear winter thing for everyone to enjoy. You know what I'm saying? I live up on a hill.

23:47 Drew The nuclear winter though is a theory.

23:49 Tom Burbine Yeah, it's a theory.

23:50 Drew I mean.

23:51 Tom Burbine Yeah. They think an asteroid killed the dinosaurs, so these things, and it causes lots of damage, and the dinosaur thought the whole world would just cover with dust for years, hundreds of years, and just without any light, you have no plants and nothing to eat.

24:08 Adam Yeah.

24:08 Caller Tom, can you talk about 1950 DA a little bit?

24:11 Drew It's Anderson.

24:12 Adam Engineer Anderson.

24:13 Caller Yeah, 1950 DA.

24:14 Tom Burbine I want to know.

24:15 Adam What's 1950 DA.?

24:17 Tom Burbine If I remember correctly, that was an asteroid that they thought was actually going to hit the earth. What happens is people do calculations, and they try to predict if these asteroids will actually hit. So, but the problem is if you make a prediction, say it's going to hit the earth at all, any probability, people, it becomes a huge news story. Then they get some more observations, and then they find out that it's...

24:37 Drew And that doesn't go on the news. Strangely enough, that's why science is reported by the press. The headlines and then not the science.

24:42 Tom Burbine Yeah, there was one actually like a year ago where the president was gonna make a big speech for NASA, and they found an asteroid, and somebody did a calculation and it looked like it was gonna hit the earth pretty soon. And so people were saying, should we actually call the president or not? But they found some more observations, they did a little more work, and they found out it wasn't even coming close, but that's the problem. Do you alert people with an initial observation, or do you just say, do you wait till you get some more data? So that's one of the...

25:13 Adam So everyone panicked in this 1950s. A lot of panicking going on in the 50s.

25:17 Drew Was it in the 50s?

25:18 Tom Burbine No, that's when it was discovered, 1950.

25:20 Adam I see.

25:21 Tom Burbine So the asteroid, they initially give it a date with the year it was discovered, then the DA means, I think, what month.

25:27 Drew When did it become an issue, though?

25:28 Tom Burbine I think a few years ago.

25:30 Adam Oh, really?

25:31 Tom Burbine Yeah. Like I have an asteroid named after me.

25:33 Adam Oh, you do?

25:34 Tom Burbine Yeah. All my friends have asteroid names after me. So I'm Asteroid 5159 Burbine.

25:39 Adam Oh, really?

25:39 Tom Burbine Yeah.

25:40 Adam You got a number. You have a number signed your asteroid?

25:43 Tom Burbine Yeah. They give the number initially, and then they'll give it a name. So I was friends with all the people who name asteroids. So they were nice and they name one after me. So my little town, I was a little local celebrity, but people didn't know what it was. They thought maybe it was a comet, maybe it was a star. Who knows? But it was an asteroid.

25:57 Adam Wow, but the bra is just come popping off in the latest year.

26:01 Tom Burbine Yeah, I do use it sometimes.

26:03 Adam I mean, you got to do what you got to do. Other guys use a red convertible, you use an asteroid.

26:09 Tom Burbine Sure.

26:09 Adam But let me ask you this, and then we're going to the phones, Tom, because you know how the show goes. Yes. Knowing what you know, I'm curious if you're agnostic or atheist or you have a religious belief.

26:21 Tom Burbine I'm Roman Catholic. My mother's Jewish. But I was raised Roman Catholic, so I go to church every week. I just went to church this morning.

26:32 Adam Does your understanding of the universe deepen your religious convictions? Because I think that the common belief is the more you know, the less religious you're going to be.

26:45 Drew At least the domain of God and the domain of the devil change.

26:49 Tom Burbine At MIT, actually, the most religious people I met were at MIT. Either they were very religious or they were very atheist. They just didn't believe anything. There was the extreme. If they were religious, they were super religious. Right.

27:03 Drew Where do you fall on that?

27:05 Tom Burbine I don't have a little interpretation of the Bible, but the problem is to get life on earth, there was a lot of chance events that would happen. My feeling is you can't really understand God, so I don't really even worry about it. But there was all these chance things that had to happen for life to exist on earth. Maybe you had to form the planet Jupiter.

27:22 Drew Yeah, but you study probabilities. You know that electrons are probabilities in space.

27:29 Tom Burbine But the probability there's life anywhere else in the universe is there probably is, but in the galaxy, who knows? There's probably about like-

27:37 Drew So is it the time when planets have life in the galaxy?

27:42 Tom Burbine Four? Nobody knows. We could be the only one. We could be the only-

27:45 Adam Yeah. Well, I do know if there is other life, they kind of look like us. They just don't, their appendages are a little different than huge foreheads. Big eyes. They accommodate those huge brains. Somehow they can build marvelous spacecraft, but they have like lobster claws. How do you turn an Allen wrench with that thing? Yeah, I don't know. They must have enslaved people with digits or something to do their work for them. All right. That's right. They move things with their brain. There used to be a lot of that.

28:17 Drew Did you see Star Trek?

28:18 Adam Yeah. Remember there used to be that in movies? It was a great special effect that you never had to pay for. This is a close-up of a guy looking very stern, another guy screaming, clutching his forehead, stop it, I can't think. They make some weird, that's like, hey, wow. Talk about cheap special effects.

28:38 Drew Use imagination today.

28:39 Adam Shadi, you looking angry, me grabbing my head yelling, make them stop. It's awesome. All right. Let's talk to Kelly, who's 20. Kelly?

28:48 Yeah.

28:49 Adam What's up?

28:50 What's up? Basically, me and my boyfriend, we've been dating for like six months, and we recently went to Lake Havasu, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and we just got back today. I'm like somewhere around Friday night, like I'm on the pill, but I didn't take it with me. Somewhere on Friday night, probably midnight, we had unprotected sex, and then that followed with Saturday night, and then Sunday morning. I was wondering how long can I wait before taking the morning after pill?

29:18 Drew Well, you don't take the morning after pill, you're on the pill.

29:21 Well, that's true.

29:21 Adam Yeah, but she didn't take.

29:22 Drew I know, but you have been on the pill up until Friday.

29:26 I have been on the pill in about a month and a half.

29:30 Drew Oh, why not?

29:32 Because we haven't really been sexually active in about three months.

29:37 Drew Just a second.

29:37 Adam You can't go on a houseboat with a guy in like half-suit and expect not to have sex.

29:41 Drew What do women think? The guys are like not interested in that, or I don't understand. Oh, I didn't expect this. What do you mean? Yeah. That's what this guy thinks about for the moment he gets up.

29:51 Adam It's denial. I mean, obviously. Look, if you took your family to like half-suit, you'd end up nailing your daughter. I'm sorry. That's the way it goes over there. If you got a houseboat, your family would have sex with your entire family, not just your wife.

30:06 Drew The catfish before that.

30:08 Adam Catfish, family. No, everyone. Your sons, aunt, dog, everybody. That's what the houseboat is.

30:13 Drew All right, but you don't...

30:14 Adam It's a house bed.

30:16 Drew What's the longest period of time that can have passed before the pill's effective? Is that what you're asking?

30:21 Yeah.

30:22 Drew Four days. Up to five days, really.

30:24 Adam Five?

30:25 Drew You're supposed to take it within three days, but some people have suggested you can take it up to five. So go get it right now, Kelly. You had sex on Friday, for God's sakes.

30:33 Come on.

30:35 Drew Kelly?

30:36 Yeah.

30:37 Adam Kelly, you're 20, yet you seem like you're having difficulty tracking. Are you okay? Junior college, by the way?

30:44 Caller Four years.

30:46 Adam Four years of junior college?

30:47 Caller No, not a four-year college.

30:50 Drew Which one?

30:50 Adam Northridge. What?

30:52 Caller No, Fullerton.

30:54 Drew Fullerton.

30:54 Adam Fullerton. All right. You're lucky I don't know enough to know what a horrible college it probably is.

30:59 Drew Cal State Northridge, Cal State Fullerton.

31:01 Adam Okay. Wow. That's bad. Yeah. Tom, Tom, Tom scoffs at you, by the way.

31:07 Tom Burbine Yeah. It's no Berkeley.

31:08 Adam He's from MIT. Yeah. All right. So, Kelly, go get that morning after pill, would you? Okay.

31:14 Drew Wait, wait. What do you mean okay? No, no.

31:17 Adam Don't do it.

31:17 Drew Every second goes by, the effectiveness wears off. You have up to 72 hours, maybe up to five days to get some effect. But the best effect is the soonest after the intercourse, okay?

31:28 Caller So basically, if I took you to Friday, so we did it Friday midnight. I basically, from midnight that Friday night, for like three days till like then, like basically.

31:40 Drew I don't know how to answer that, Kelly, except by repeating. No, no.

31:43 Adam Listen, let me tell you Kelly's hypotheses. It's 72 hours from the last time you had sex, so if she can just keep getting nailed, this could go on for infinity. You see, she could be in her 90s getting nailed.

31:57 Drew 72 hours.

31:58 Adam Yeah, your thing is like, I got nailed Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so it should be 72 hours from today. Right.

32:05 Drew Or she's saying, does it have to be taken at 72 hours? That's 72 hours from the time I had sex.

32:10 Adam That would be awesome if that's what she was saying.

32:12 Tom Burbine It's just like pushing the reset button.

32:13 Drew Wait, let's ask her.

32:14 Adam That's right. You think you're going to get that out of her?

32:16 Drew Let's see.

32:17 Adam You're not going to get that out of her.

32:18 Drew Let me make sure she understands. Okay, Kelly, first of all, you with me? Yes. All right, it's a phone number I want you to write down. 1888.

32:26 Adam She doesn't have a pen.

32:27 Drew You have a pen?

32:27 Adam She's writing with that kissing potion on the side of a pump.

32:31 Drew 1888, not too late. Not too late. You remember that?

32:36 Caller Yeah. It's the number two.

32:38 Drew The number two, not too late. They will refer you to a pharmacy that will give you the pill tonight without a prescription, okay?

32:45 Caller Oh, okay.

32:46 Drew Okay. Do you understand that its effectiveness wears off and approaches zero after 72 hours? So the sooner you get it, the better.

32:57 Caller Okay.

32:58 Tom Burbine Take the pill now.

32:59 Drew What was it you thought, how was it you thought it worked?

33:03 Caller Well, I basically thought you had it to like five days, like from the first time you had sex, like when you first had intercourse, like the first time, so like five days after that, like you have it to five days, like the morning after.

33:16 Adam All right.

33:16 Drew You have up to three days, but the effectiveness is at its least, at its nadir, the lowest, the longer you wait.

33:24 Adam All right. So you just go get it now.

33:26 Drew You have 48 hours. You have about 70 percent effectiveness now, maybe 80. Okay.

33:32 Adam Did you really expect, by the way, to go to Havasu and stay on a houseboat and not get laid?

33:39 Caller I wasn't really expecting it.

33:45 Adam Why would you go to Lake Havasu and not? What do you think he's there for?

33:51 Caller It was just like a getaway. It wasn't supposed to be like that.

33:55 Drew Kelly, just one word of advice. Males' brains do not work like yours.

34:02 Adam Get away.

34:03 Drew Not many brains work like yours.

34:04 Adam Let me tell you the getaway. I'm going to get my semen away from my nut sack. That's the kind of getaway that guys-

34:09 Drew I'm going to get away with nailing this chick. That's what that is.

34:12 Adam Get away. It just stretches wings a little. Yeah, I know. Guys, you don't leave town with a girl.

34:19 Drew I'm beginning to think that some of this stuff about women not preparing for birth control is not just denial. It's they literally don't understand how males think. So it's always surprised them. It's like, you want to have a set? Oh, I guess so. Okay.

34:32 Adam Well, here's the thing with human beings. Take note, Tom. You think when there's a food you love, everyone loves it. You order it for the party. You can't imagine.

34:43 Drew Cashews, Adam. Cashews.

34:44 Adam I love cashews.

34:45 Drew Think about your buddies that don't like them.

34:47 Adam Yeah, but no, it's like, oh, give me 30 pizzas with anchovies. I can't imagine anyone who doesn't like anchovies and pizza. And you're shocked and mortified when you find out somebody just cannot stand it.

34:57 Drew Right. By the way, next time, you're still ordering the anchovies.

34:59 Adam Right. So the young lady says, well, we're going to have a suit on wine and relax.

35:05 Drew Sex doesn't occur to her.

35:06 Adam We reconnect emotionally. There's not going to be anything physical. And the guy says, oh, yeah, yeah, that's where we're going.

35:10 Drew You should not even think physical or not physical. It's like, what? It doesn't even occur to her.

35:13 Adam Yeah, but if somebody said to you even like your favorite food and you said, don't you love the pasta fazool? And I went, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You wouldn't argue with me, you just order it up. And then you find out later, I was humping you with it. Raping you with a soup ladle.

35:29 Drew Trying to follow.

35:29 Adam Yeah. All right, let's take a break.

35:31 Drew Yeah, we need a break.

35:32 Adam Tom Burbine is here. Tom is a new, but yet dear, dear, dear, dear friend.

35:39 Drew Already a dear, dear, dear friend.

35:40 Adam He generously donated 15 large to the Tsunami Relief Fund, which could be caused when one of his, probably asteroid with his name on it, crashes into the Indian Ocean. It would be awesome if your asteroid took out several hundred thousand coastal people.

35:56 Tom Burbine I'd be on the cover of the USA Today, Newsweek, Time.

35:59 Adam Oh, you'd definitely be brought up on charges. It's like when your dog, like somebody, the mailman, it's your fault. When your asteroid takes out a village, you're screwed. All right, let's take a break. We'll be right back after this.

36:14 Loveline. Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

36:18 Caller We'll be right back.

36:29 Drew Hey guys, Dr. Drew here from Loveline. I am once again here talking about the iPod Shuffle. It's something obviously we've been very excited about. I'm still excited about it, and it starts at only $99 and can hold up to 240 songs. For me, it's made traveling revolutionary. I actually can enjoy myself. I can sleep. I can put the sleeping music in that I want to use, that Adam's always complaining about that he can't get from the airline. He downloads the music from iTunes, he gets the sleeping music, he shuffles.

37:12 Adam Hey, everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Tom Burbine is in here. Tom is a teacher, a professor. He donated...

37:26 Drew He's got it wired. He teaches in all girl school.

37:28 Adam $15,000 to the Tsunami Relief Fund, and that got him on here. And we would have liked to have Tom anyway.

37:36 Drew Yes.

37:36 Tom Burbine Oh, thank you. I take it as the highest compliment. This is the greatest day of my whole life.

37:41 Drew No, no, don't say that.

37:42 Tom Burbine And the problem is I think anything that ever happens to me will pale in comparison to the birth of a child, getting married. I'm a little worried.

37:48 Adam It's true.

37:49 Drew We have to be satisfied to bring back all that.

37:50 Adam It's all going to be a fast free fall after you leave the studio. Tom has made the pilgrimage from where? Exactly.

37:58 Tom Burbine South Hadley, Massachusetts. I live right next to Mount Holyoke College.

38:02 Adam And you teach at?

38:04 Tom Burbine UMass Amherst. So I teach a-

38:06 Drew But it's going to start in the fall.

38:07 Tom Burbine I teach a class in Mount Holyoke, a class in asteroids in the fall. But this semester I'm teaching a class in astronomy, astronomy 100, just basic information for a class of 300 UMass Amherst students.

38:17 Drew I would just tell you a little known fact that I played John Proctor on the Crucible at Mount Holyoke College in 1977.

38:23 Adam Yeah.

38:23 Drew Yeah.

38:24 Adam That's on like three quarter tape somewhere.

38:26 Drew No I don't think anybody ever taped it. It was a theatrical thing.

38:28 Adam Yeah, they should film. You know, the nerves from the AV club out just looking for excuses to bust out-

38:34 Drew 1977? Video camera?

38:36 Adam No, they had one the size of a Zuzu.

38:39 Drew Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

38:40 Adam Yeah, it's awesome. You know, Bob Crane used to use, you know.

38:43 Tom Burbine Oh yeah, making his videos.

38:44 Adam Yeah. Yeah. All right. So Tom is here hanging out. We had dinner with Tom and his lovely life partner, Kevin.

38:54 Tom Burbine No, they're straight. Yeah. Yeah. Me and Kevin have a bet who can get the lightest girlfriend. So pretty much if you date another guy, you would lose the bet. So we'd stay heterosexual that way.

39:04 Adam Yeah. They're both geniuses, both geniuses.

39:08 Drew Now, Tom brought in the New York Minute for Adam. Are you going to watch this?

39:11 Adam Yeah, absolutely.

39:12 Drew Seriously?

39:12 Adam Absolutely.

39:13 Drew You heard him.

39:14 Tom Burbine Yeah.

39:14 Adam Yeah.

39:14 Drew I don't believe it.

39:15 Tom Burbine No, it is funny. You'll get a lot of enjoyment out of watching it.

39:18 Drew Not necessarily the way it was intended.

39:19 Tom Burbine Maybe not. And actually, it's kind of high budget. They have like split screens and it's not like a TV movie. It's a real movie.

39:27 Drew It was a big deal. Yeah.

39:27 Adam No, it was a true place of the father of the Olsen twins on it. Stephanie.

39:32 Drew What are you going to say, Tom? He's going to say something I can feel it coming.

39:36 Adam Better he doesn't. Stephanie?

39:38 Yeah.

39:39 Adam You're 18?

39:40 Caller Yeah. I'll be 18 tomorrow.

39:42 Adam All right. Well, happy birthday. What's up?

39:45 Caller Because me and my mom, we haven't talked for a long time because she about kicked me out when I was 14.

39:51 Caller Why?

39:52 Drew Why'd she kick you out?

39:54 Caller A lot of reasons.

39:55 Drew Give me one.

39:56 Caller Because I didn't like my stepdad. Okay. I like him because he's a very bad man. He's my little brother.

40:06 Drew Unless you're a brother. I have no doubt that you're absolutely right. But go ahead.

40:10 Caller He kicked me out and I've been on my own for a long time. My birthday is coming up and I was wondering if I should call her or? I'm not sure because my mom has been having problems for a long time.

40:24 Drew All right. How do you support yourself? How do you support yourself now? How do you live?

40:28 Caller Off of other people.

40:30 Drew Do you go to school?

40:31 Caller No.

40:32 Drew Do you work?

40:33 Caller No.

40:34 Drew No.

40:34 Adam She like panhandles, right?

40:38 Drew Are you prostituting yourself or something?

40:40 Caller No.

40:41 Drew Are you doing drugs?

40:44 Adam What do you do? How do you get money?

40:47 Caller I live off of my cousin and my friend and off of other people.

40:52 Drew You should moochers.

40:53 Adam Yeah. But I mean, physically, they just lend you money or do you panhandle?

40:59 Caller I panhandle and they lend me money.

41:01 Adam All right.

41:02 Drew Stephanie, I don't think you should contact your mom unless you're A, willing to reconcile with her or B, have established something independent of her that you can rely upon and call your own. Because otherwise, it's going to be just chaos when you call her. All right.

41:19 Adam Stephanie, let me explain something. Okay. We got a couple of guys with 70 years of college under the belt in the room, but it's a genius is talking now. So here's the thing. You're not going to get what you want from your mom. It's going to be disappointing.

41:34 Drew Probably not.

41:35 Adam In the movies, everyone sees the light and turns a corner. In reality, they just get worse, or at best just sort of deny what went on in the past.

41:44 Drew Right.

41:44 Adam And whatever it is, it's unsatisfying.

41:48 Drew And mom is still the person that marries the sexually abusive boy, you know, dad.

41:51 Adam Yeah. You got a lot of energy going into thinking about what could be done with mom. That energy should be going into what can be done with Stephanie right now and tomorrow. You need to get a job. You need to just get some kind of job. As a matter of fact, I'm going further in a job. You need to sign up for the military. You need to get in a structured environment.

42:11 Drew Not funny. He's serious.

42:12 Adam You got to get your ass kicked a little bit because you're basically like a feral child. Yeah.

42:17 Caller I think I got my ass kicked enough for my mom.

42:19 Adam No, I'm not talking about verbal and sexual abuse. I'm talking about a DI hitting a wooden spoon in a trash can at 6 a.m. and getting your stoned ass out of bed to do some push-ups and some chin-ups on the obstacle course.

42:34 Tom Burbine Give me your mother f'n shoes. Give me your shoes.

42:37 Adam Yeah. Yeah, that's scared straight actually.

42:40 Drew But Stephanie, yeah, you do need some structure. You might want to throw yourself on the mercy of Department of Social Services or somewhere that you get some vocational rehabilitation, help get set up. Because you don't know how to do this. You've never done it. That's why Adam is saying the military.

42:51 Adam No, but let me say-

42:53 Drew Military is not a bad idea by the way.

42:54 Adam No, it's not at all. Here's the thing. When you're dumb and you're depressed, you're like a battery that has no life in it. And you just walk through life, you sort of sleepwalk, bumping into things, asking for handouts. Everything becomes about survival. Not about thriving, but it's all about surviving. You need to be thrown into some environment that has a ton of structure. Because if you think about what success is and what successful people do, everything is always structured for them. Always structured. Their family unit has structure, their schooling has structure, their church has structure, sports have structure, whatever, cheerleading. It's all structure. You're at 18. Listen, I grew up with a bunch of these people. They've never seen any structure and they have no idea how to do it.

43:42 Drew I wonder if countries that have mandatory military obligations have as many homeless people and pan-hailing and that kind of thing.

43:47 Adam No, it's impossible. You can't.

43:51 Drew No one ever brings that up.

43:54 Tom Burbine A lot of the homeless people who go to Italy are all gypsies. They're not citizens. Usually the people who have to join the military, anybody with any brains gets out of it somehow. Either they fake an illness or they leave the country.

44:06 Adam Right. That's what we got here, except for you don't have to do it. Stephanie, you need structure, sweetie.

44:16 Caller I guess. I don't know.

44:18 Drew Uncle Corolla is right on this one.

44:19 Adam Listen, I know you'll fight it with every fiber in your soul because to a guy like Drew, we went out to dinner with Drew tonight. It was nine o'clock. Drew was like, what's going on? What are we doing? What are we doing? Where are we going? He said, well, here's the thing, Drew, the studio is 13 minutes from where we sit. So if we leave now, we'll just get there at 9.15. About a minute and a half later, he was like, what are we doing now? Well, we're going to sit here and talk. Well, why aren't we doing something? See, Drew, without straight, I'm going to put it in Tom, like a planet that would just spin out of orbit. You need your gravitational pull of structure in order to stay in your orbit. Otherwise, you would just spin out. Or at least that's the fear. The reality is you wouldn't do anything. You just sit there with a couple of people and have a conversation for another 18 minutes. But your mind has got to be racing like this is insanity. What are we doing? We're not doing anything.

45:13 Tom Burbine Adam's your son.

45:14 Adam Yeah. Thank you.

45:15 Drew Thank you.

45:15 Adam Yeah. Not S-O-N.

45:17 Drew Be careful with him.

45:18 Adam S-U-N. And Drew, Drew, he got to do it. Drew too, Drew eats his food like a grouper. Eats like a giant sea bass. Eats a smaller fish. So his food is completely evaporated within 13 seconds. And now he starts tapping his fork on the table. What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? I'm waiting for my salad. That's what we're doing. Relax. Drew, all fired up over there. Stephanie? Yeah, I'm here. All right.

45:46 Drew You're depressed.

45:47 Adam She needs a dose of what I have.

45:49 Drew I'm like the multi-organic female. I've sucked all that up.

45:52 Adam You need structure. You need job corps. You need the military. You need to go sign yourself up for something and go do it.

46:01 Caller I tried to get job corps, but my mom would have signed the papers.

46:04 Drew You're 18 now. Go tomorrow.

46:07 Adam And by the way, let me tell you something. Hold on. Attention, all idiots. Don't give us lame excuses when we're ten times as smart as you are. You're 18. You're emancipated. Go sign your papers.

46:22 Drew Tomorrow. All right. Good girl.

46:23 Adam Yeah. Okay. Go to job corps. Just go do it. You need structure. I'm sorry for the hand that life has dealt you.

46:30 Drew Then you call your mom. Then you call your mom. When you're in a position that you have a life, you call your mom. Okay?

46:37 Caller Well, I mean, I wanted my mom to be part of it. You know what I mean?

46:41 Drew No, Stephanie, that's your pathology talking. It's going to be very disappointing trying to get her, drag her along into something that's yours.

46:49 Adam Listen, Stephanie, your mom's not a good person. You potentially are. Let's not end up like your mom.

46:56 Caller Well, okay.

46:56 Adam Let's go to job corps.

46:58 Caller I'm thinking because, okay, my mom had ten kids, right?

47:01 Drew Ten kids.

47:02 Adam Ten kids.

47:02 Drew Yeah, ten kids.

47:03 Caller It's funny because her thing is, once you're 18-year-old, you're wrong. But I tried, like, all my mom's kids, I'm trying to get her to see that she has, even if I turn 18, she's absolutely in love. She has my little brother and my little sister, you know? And then it's funny because the other day, me and my sisters, we were sitting around the table and we were thinking about the last, the first time my mom cussed us out, you know? Not the first time she, like, took us to a park.

47:28 Adam Stephanie, Stephanie.

47:29 Caller Yeah, I'm over here.

47:30 Adam Listen, I don't want to hear anymore. Just go to job.

47:32 Drew Yeah, that's all. You're all completely focused on your mom. You got to focus on yourself.

47:36 Tom Burbine Don't get pregnant.

47:37 Drew This is not Stephanie and mom. This is Stephanie.

47:40 Adam Go, go for it. Drew, how much of your parents changed? Or how much have you been able to change them in the last 30 years?

47:47 Drew Oh, no, no. Or how my kids changed me? No.

47:50 Yeah.

47:53 Adam All right. Impossible. It's impossible. Whatever your parents were when you were nine, is what they are at 19, at 29, at 39, at 39.

48:00 Drew Unless somebody gets some treatment. I mean, we treat parents all the time. Yeah.

48:04 Adam I mean, look, they could stop huffing copier toner or something. But other than that, their basic construct, their personality is not going to change.

48:13 Drew Even when we have addicted children, we end up treating the parents and trying to bring them along. They change in treatment.

48:18 Adam She's got 10 kids she doesn't care about. You're number eight or you're number six, whatever you are. Join the brood of folks you don't care about. You'd be better off with a German shepherd as a mom.

48:29 Drew Now, Tommy, you see you've got this auctioneer over here. If you actually want to talk, you got to just jump in and just talk over him. Don't worry about it. Just pile on. Don't just listen to him. Pile on.

48:37 Tom Burbine Okay. I'm just enthralled.

48:39 Drew No, no. Stop that. Stop that.

48:40 Tom Burbine I can see it's a problem.

48:42 Adam Enthralled.

48:42 Drew Not do. We need you jumping all over him, right?

48:45 Adam He's fine.

48:46 Tom Burbine No. What I wanted to learn was how much you actually make panhandling. I mean, is it $10 a day? Is it $5 a day?

48:52 Adam Well, it depends. If Drew walks past you, it's zero. Stephanie?

48:56 Drew Yeah?

48:58 Adam You'll never get a good answer, but how much do you make doing the panhandling each day?

49:02 Caller It depends on who you get it from.

49:05 Adam Thank you. All right.

49:07 Drew Loveline callers.

49:07 Caller Thank you.

49:08 Adam There you go. Well, Tom.

49:09 Drew Yes, there you go. That's the ultimate Loveline experience right there you've had.

49:12 Adam You're different than any of your calculations you've done on a computer. It's just an exact number. She even got down to the tenths of a penny.

49:19 Drew You know what? We go back and ask her, you'll get the same response.

49:22 Adam Yeah, I always like that. It's like, what kind of weather is over there in Southern California? Depends what day it is. Okay. Fantastic. Question, answer. Check that box. Let's keep moving forward. Well, now that we're all experts on the income of panhandlers, we can move forward in our lives.

49:36 Drew You know what's crazy? If you ask them to generalize or give an average, they won't. But if you ask them a specific, then they won't do that either. They'll go back to the general.

49:44 Adam Right. So it depends.

49:45 Tom Burbine I'm just shocked she can use the phone. She knows all the numbers and able to press the buttons.

49:49 Adam Oh, yeah. That is, we can teach anyone to do that. But she, it depends who goes by. You get one lump.

49:57 Drew Okay.

49:57 Adam I'll take a break. Tom Burbine is here tonight. He sounds like one of the largest dealers of custom vans in the Inland Empire. Tom Burbine's custom vans and RVs. You're the guy who are echoing, It's Dealing Days at Tom Burbine. Then you just stand there like, Dealing Days. You just stand like, I think I'd see Stone at like three in the morning, you in front of a custom van. You're talking about making fun SUVs, talking about Captain Shares, jumping from one van to the next. I always like when they do, there is a guy who does the custom van sales at like 2.33 in the morning out here. My favorite is the stooge accomplice where he goes like, Cheryl, try to get in that SUV. Go ahead and try to get in that Explorer. Oh, Tom, again? Try to get in and she's like bending herself into a pretzel to get into the back of Ford Explorer. Now getting one of our custom Ram vans. It's beautiful. It's spacious. It's like when the 5'3 chick can't make it into the forward door SUV. She can't, not going to make it into the suburban. Can't make it in. I have to grease myself and get a running start, Tom. I like when they complain too. Getting to the SUV show. Again, Tom? No, please. No captain's chairs in those SUVs. Tom Burbine, largest van, custom van outlet in the Inland Empire. We'll take ourselves a break. We'll be right back after this.

51:23 Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

51:26 Caller We'll be right back.

51:58 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Our guest tonight, Tom Burbine, largest seller of Custom Ram and Dodge Vans of the Inland Empire. They carry their own papers, Drew. Hey, foreclosures, bankruptcies, divorce. Bring it down. It's dealing days. Burbine, Dodge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tom Burbine is here. Tom is one of the winners. We had two. Tom is our favorite one. I know they're like your children, but this is Sophie's choice. I got to pick Tom.

52:38 Tom Burbine Thank you.

52:39 Adam Tom is out here. He generously donated 15 large to the Tsunami Relief Fund.

52:45 Drew And came with gifts.

52:47 Adam And brought gifts. I'm going to see New York Minute, which I'll hold my breath. The latest joint. No, it's going to be awesome. And then I'm going to start off by watching Taboo 2, but finish with New York Minute when Drew hits the screen.

53:04 Tom Burbine Yeah.

53:05 Adam Awesome. So I got my night plan. Tom is out here for just another day and then it's back to mass. Yes?

53:12 Tom Burbine Yes. I have a test on Thursday, so I have to go back and prepare the test.

53:15 Drew Fly to Bradley Field or you fly to?

53:17 Tom Burbine Yeah. I fly to Chicago. I flew first class because I used my freaking flyer mile, so I wanted to do everything first class because it's a first class show.

53:24 Adam Yeah.

53:25 Drew Which one?

53:26 Adam Yeah. Took him out to a lovely dinner tonight.

53:29 Tom Burbine No, it was really good food.

53:31 Adam Had a nice conversation, a little red wine and Drew was ready to go at 903, but didn't know where to go.

53:39 Tom Burbine That's a true story.

53:41 Adam All right. Let's talk to Jeff who's 21. Jeff?

53:47 Yes.

53:48 Adam What's up?

53:50 All right. I met a girl that's 28. I'm 21 at a party like a week ago and then I met up with her yesterday and she was telling me that she doesn't want a relationship. She's not looking for sex. She's not looking for anything.

54:08 Adam All right. Then you just parted ways?

54:10 No. 30 minutes later, she had her tongue down like a rope.

54:15 Adam Was it attached to her? Yes.

54:17 Drew Okay. Then what happened?

54:23 We hung out for a few hours and got drunk and then we all crashed at a hotel.

54:32 Drew No sex.

54:34 What?

54:35 Drew No sex?

54:37 Caller No.

54:39 Adam All right. Well, first off, what a rack on tour young Jeff is. He paints beautifully. Poetic. I wish I could write that fast. Do you guys have sex? You guys have? Nope. All right. Wonderful. Dreams are made of Jeff. All right. So your question then is?

55:00 What should I do?

55:03 Adam About not having sex with some 28-year-old chick you kissed?

55:07 No. Should I pursue it or what?

55:10 Drew All right. Here's what Tom just needs directions. Give him some direction. Go ahead. But if she tells you no, that she's not interested, believe her. Don't keep going after it. This is somebody. I don't understand. I smell chaos. I farted actually. No. Beyond the fart. I smell chaos. You're 21, she's 28. That's couscous. Did you say she has a child?

55:32 Caller Yes, she does. A one-year-old.

55:34 Drew A one-year-old. No, no. Jeff, come on. She told you no.

55:38 Adam Well, I don't understand what her thing is. She said she wanted no type of relationship whatsoever.

55:45 Caller Nothing. She is not looking for anything.

55:48 Adam Yeah. All right. Well, first off, let me just say this. Tom will jump in because I'm guessing he's got a number of kids floating around the country. He probably doesn't even know about one of the Star Trek conventions. A lot of chicks.

56:00 Tom Burbine Yeah. I almost went to a Star Trek. I wanted to see William Shatner, but it got canceled because not enough people showed up. Yeah. But tickets. So I had to go to a comic book convention and said down in Dallas.

56:11 Adam Shocking. I was just kidding. But here's what I'm saying. I think a lot of women that are 28, that have a one-year-old that are single, feel like there's a little damage goods in a certain sense, like their numbers and as high as it could be. So they do a preemptive strike. But they do a little reverse psychology thing, which is instead of waiting for the person to dump them, when they find out about the baggage, they go, I got a kid and I want nothing to do with you.

56:43 Drew It could be that. I agree. But the fact is, 28-year-old women often tell younger men, no, no, no, you're too young for me. I can't deal with it.

56:49 Adam Jeff, you're in way over your head. Like if you were taking one of Tom's astrophysics classes.

56:58 Tom Burbine Find a girl your own age, Jeff.

56:59 Adam Right.

57:00 Drew There you go.

57:01 Tom Burbine Without the child.

57:01 Adam Go ahead and make it a 19-year-old. I'd dip down a couple of years.

57:07 Caller I can't find younger girls.

57:10 Drew You can't find any girl, Jeff. That's why you're going for the desperate move.

57:12 Adam Jeff, here's what you need to do. Focus on your own ass. Get your career going, get your job going, get your school going.

57:18 Drew Get some hobbies going like that.

57:20 Adam Get your life going.

57:21 Drew Comic books and Star Trek like Tom.

57:24 Caller I got that going.

57:25 Adam Okay. All right.

57:26 Tom Burbine He has the comic books going.

57:27 Adam You're in over your head with this one. You don't want anything to do with her. Believe you me. It's going nowhere. It's like heroin. It's like you try it. Either you throw up or you love it. What if you two fall in love? Don't do it. Just go find a young chick.

57:43 Tom Burbine What's your job, Jeff?

57:45 Adam We got to take a break. Junior college. Now I'm going nuts. What's your job, Jeff?

57:51 Caller I work at UPS.

57:53 Adam All right. Fine. Well, Tom Burbine here tonight. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

58:00 Caller Alright, guys, here's the deal.

58:02 You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

58:05 Caller One call is all you need to make.

58:07 Drew Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. Call the Dateline.

58:12 Caller 1-800-CALL-THE-DATELINE.

58:13 Tom Burbine Love 191.

58:15 Caller Call, call, call the Dateline.

58:45 Adam Buddy, it's the love line of Adam, that's Dr. Who. Dr. Drew!

58:49 Drew This is Tom Burbine, did you hear that, Adam? He was insulting us. Hear what he said?

58:54 Tom Burbine Dr. Who?

58:55 Drew He said, I give smart too much credit.

58:59 Tom Burbine And he was looking right at both of us when he said that. No, I went to see Dr. Drew speak at a book sign once, and I was so impressed. You did? Yes, I went to the one, I think it was in Fairfax.

59:07 Adam He thought Shatner was gonna be there, originally.

59:08 Drew In Washington?

59:09 Tom Burbine Yeah, it was in the Virginia area. You went with another guy, I don't know what his name was.

59:16 Adam His traveling companion.

59:17 Tom Burbine Yeah, and we got a book signing. There was a rabbit there, somebody had brought a rabbit to the book signing.

59:21 Drew A rabbit?

59:22 Adam Yeah, Tom Leiter killed it, and then wrote, I need you in the rabbit's blood on the rental car windshield, and the torch windshield, remember saying that?

59:32 Drew Was it a man in a rabbit suit?

59:34 Tom Burbine No, no, it was an actual real rabbit that someone brought. And you said, oh, there's a rabbit there.

59:39 Adam Are you sure it wasn't just a really good suit?

59:41 Tom Burbine No, it was a real rabbit.

59:44 Adam Some of those rabbit suits are so realistic that you just really can't tell.

59:48 Drew No, I asked that because I remember I remember I was at somewhere, I think it was Princeton at a rabbit suit, but this was a bookstore in outside Washington DC.

59:55 Tom Burbine Outside Washington DC. So I took the bus out there, I got the sign, and I was very impressed with your speaking ability. Any question, you would answer succinctly to the point, and you actually seem to care about the people. Everyone who asks a question, you...

1:00:07 Drew I do. This is what Adam tries to beat out of me.

1:00:10 Adam No, I mean, that's part of his genius is the illusion of caring.

1:00:14 Drew Thank you.

1:00:14 Adam Awesome.

1:00:15 Drew Thank you.

1:00:15 Adam I mean, like any great magician, they don't actually possess magical skills, but the sleight of hand is amazing.

1:00:22 Drew My nephew today was trying to get my son off a chair, and his sister goes, What's the magic word? And he goes, Abracadabra. They make him disappear.

1:00:29 What's the magic word?

1:00:31 Adam It is the magic.

1:00:33 Drew I want him to disappear. It's Abracadabra.

1:00:34 Adam The magic word, yeah.

1:00:36 Tom Burbine And I was also impressed how good looking you were because it never gets mentioned on the air.

1:00:40 Adam Now we're getting to it. Now we're getting why. Now we know why up down to 15 grand in cross country.

1:00:47 Drew Oh, and I got to put out too, don't I?

1:00:49 Adam Well, for 15 grand, I think that's good for at least a reach around at least. Drew, as a physician, you're trained to sort of tune out as you're doing these sorts of things.

1:00:58 Drew Put my patients first, yeah, especially if somebody's laying themselves out for such a good cause.

1:01:03 Adam Put a little extra talc in that glove, reach into it, just pretend like you're working on like a fisher on an old man or something.

1:01:11 Drew Yeah, pull on some colon or something.

1:01:13 Adam Yeah, yeah.

1:01:14 Tom Burbine I can just appreciate human beauty, so.

1:01:18 Adam Yeah, no, you're secure with your sexual outbursts.

1:01:21 Drew You're gay.

1:01:22 Caller Yeah.

1:01:24 Adam I like the guys that are so straight they can't comment on other guys' looks. Like, I don't know Brad Pitt. I don't know if he's a troll or he's Adonis. I'm a dude.

1:01:33 I can't judge other dudes.

1:01:34 Adam I can't judge.

1:01:35 Drew They're outraged. How can I judge? What's the matter with you?

1:01:37 Adam Yeah, I can't do it. Like, I ain't gay. I'd have to blow a guy if I wanted to actually judge another man's looks.

1:01:43 Tom Burbine No, I saw Troy. He's a good looking guy.

1:01:45 Adam Yeah.

1:01:46 Tom Burbine If there's anything wrong with that.

1:01:47 Drew I am amazed you were at that bookstore. I remember that bookstore. It was kind of had a coffee shop attached to it.

1:01:51 Tom Burbine Yeah, and they had juice and cookies. I got a book signed and I had some girl take my picture. And then you asked if she was my girlfriend. And I said, I wish. That was my joke.

1:02:02 Adam Yeah.

1:02:03 Drew I was totally cracked up.

1:02:04 Tom Burbine She was pretty pretty and stuff. And I took a picture and then I mailed it to her.

1:02:07 Adam You mailed it to her?

1:02:08 Tom Burbine Yeah. She gave me her address. She was with her boyfriend.

1:02:13 Drew That was an interesting girl.

1:02:15 Tom Burbine Yeah. And I asked the question, do you ever get mad at Adam? And then you said, I get mad at Adam all the time.

1:02:21 Drew Right. Yeah. That's about right.

1:02:23 Adam Wow. You photographic.

1:02:24 Drew Yeah.

1:02:24 Tom Burbine I have a very good memory. It's a curse.

1:02:26 Adam Yeah. Well, it's from not doing enough drugs and not getting late.

1:02:32 Tom Burbine Yes. Yes. I agree.

1:02:33 Adam Guys just screw all the time. Zero memory. They don't remember when the last time they got laid was. Ironically, it was like 20 minutes ago.

1:02:39 Drew They're not replaying it. They're going to the next one.

1:02:41 Adam They're like, I can't remember when. Oh, wait a minute. There's a vagina on my penis. I guess now. I guess the answer is now. Okay.

1:02:48 Drew Yeah.

1:02:48 Adam But zero memory.

1:02:50 Drew You don't have to recall things. You don't have to replay them. You just act them.

1:02:53 Adam They're there.

1:02:54 Drew That's right. You have to recall the stuff to use it in your rituals later.

1:02:58 Adam I really do think getting laid affects your memory. Remember those guys in high school that were getting laid all time? You'd go, hey dude, remember I saw? They'd be like, what did you do? Did you play Pop Warner football? They never know who anyone is. They go home and their parents are there and they're like, there's these two older folks that are in my living room. That's your mom and your dad. I'm sorry, I get laid. I have no memory. Yeah. Jessica?

1:03:28 Yeah.

1:03:28 Drew There she is.

1:03:30 I have a question. Okay, last month on the 14th, okay, I stopped my period and then 10 days later on the 24th, I started again and I'm still on it now.

1:03:38 Drew And you've never had irregular periods before?

1:03:41 No.

1:03:42 Drew Are you on medication?

1:03:45 No, but about a month ago, I just got off my birth control pills.

1:03:50 Drew What pills were those? What's the name of them?

1:03:53 What brand?

1:03:54 Drew What kind?

1:03:55 Oh, birth control pills.

1:03:57 Drew Yeah.

1:03:58 They were ortho-tricyclin.

1:04:00 Drew Tricyclin. And were you menstruating normally on the pillar? Were you having spotting?

1:04:04 No.

1:04:05 Drew You were not having spotting and you were menstruating normally?

1:04:08 Yeah.

1:04:09 Drew All right. Well, yes. Coming off the pill can do that occasionally. Is there any chance you're pregnant?

1:04:15 No. Well, me and my boyfriend broke up, but we hadn't had sex for like two months already.

1:04:20 Drew You can still be pregnant. It's possible. Yeah. When did you stop the pill?

1:04:24 About a month ago. But we were not sexual a month before that.

1:04:28 Drew All right. So this has something to do with you coming off the pill. It may regularize by itself within a month or two. Sometimes it can take up to six months for your periods to regularize after getting off the pill when you've been on it for a period of time, particularly the shot. The depoporveric can be a while before things get back to normal. If it keeps bleeding or if it's very heavy, definitely check with a gynecologist. Okay?

1:04:48 Okay.

1:04:48 Drew But it doesn't necessarily mean anything. There are a lot of things that can cause that kind of bleeding. Pregnancy being number one amongst them, and tubal pregnancy is the thing you really worry about. Ovarian cysts, infections.

1:04:59 Should I check if I'm pregnant or?

1:05:02 Drew I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a pregnancy test. I know that's what the doctor will do as soon as you go over there.

1:05:06 Adam What do those things cost by the way over the counter now?

1:05:09 Drew Pregnancy tests?

1:05:12 Adam Are they like 12 bucks?

1:05:13 Drew I think they're probably 12 bucks.

1:05:13 Adam These used to be kind of expensive.

1:05:15 Drew Yeah. I know it's like 30 bucks to get a drug test. You're in drug screen. That's for a bunch of stuff.

1:05:20 Adam You can get that over the counter? Really?

1:05:23 Drew Pee.

1:05:23 Adam Really?

1:05:24 Drew There's all kinds of brands.

1:05:26 Adam Really? You just go to the farm.

1:05:28 Drew You get a urine toxicologist, urine drug screen. Most of them you pee and you send them in. I think you have a preliminary read, then you get the confirmatory stuff back.

1:05:36 Adam Really?

1:05:37 Drew Yeah.

1:05:37 Adam So how long does it take?

1:05:39 Drew I think a week, some of that, to get the results.

1:05:41 Adam Wow. What's a stool sample going to do for you? Nothing? Because I want to get stool.

1:05:46 Drew Depends what you want to use it for.

1:05:47 Adam I'm going to send stool in. But really. Stool, I'll probably write it away. So it's like if you have a troubled teen, you got to go get some of their urine.

1:05:56 Drew I think I'm a big, big.

1:05:57 Adam Oh, sure. That's great. Yeah. It's going to be great when you start testing your kids in about six months. Yeah. Great. You can say eating disorder. It's going to be awesome.

1:06:05 Drew That's awesome. I say it's a modern time, dude. You live in the old ages.

1:06:10 Adam All right. But Drew, listen to me. Listen, you are going to screw those kids up and it's all going to be under the guise of, I'm doing it because I care. Meanwhile, you're going to screw them up. Just relax. You don't have to screen them for drugs. Let them do something first. Uh-oh. Oh, Drew. Drew, you got too much energy. You're going to screw them up with that energy going into them. Screening them for drugs?

1:06:34 Drew That's going to be weird. That's something that really should be done more frequently. I really believe that.

1:06:38 Adam Really?

1:06:38 Drew It should be part of health maintenance for adolescents. You take them to the doctor, get checked. Why wouldn't you check that?

1:06:45 Adam Well, you don't. I mean, they get a physical for football or something.

1:06:50 Drew There's health maintenance for adolescents and that would be a key thing.

1:06:53 Adam Yeah, but why not just send them straight to rehab then? I mean, why not take any chances? Maybe they're swapping urine with the neighbor kid who's a Jehovah's Witness.

1:07:04 Drew There's a lot of urine home screening right now, a lot. That's a mainstay.

1:07:09 Adam At the Lord Fauntleroyd School for Albino Hemophiliacs, not at North Hollywood High, there's no drug screening going on over there.

1:07:15 Drew Doing drugs and getting away with it.

1:07:17 Adam Drew, here's what I'm saying. Let the kids find some weed in their drawer or something first, or let them look glazed over or something. No, they're not hooked at that point. First off, you think those kids could smoke pot for two years before you found out about it? I give them two minutes.

1:07:33 Drew Yes.

1:07:34 Adam Okay. So the very first time either one of your kids dabble in anything, you're going to know that afternoon.

1:07:43 Drew Yes.

1:07:44 Adam Okay. You're just going to be driving your car and all of a sudden your head's going to start turning to the side because your kid's going to be sucking on a foil pipe somewhere and it should be in the home room.

1:07:55 Drew It's going to suck my head in.

1:07:56 Adam You're going to get this weird thing. It's going to be like scanners. Your head's going to explode. Okay. So here's the thing. You don't need to screen your kids for drugs because they can't do drugs. The screening isn't going to prevent them from trying it the first time. You will know the day they do it.

1:08:11 Drew Do you agree with that? Yes. I have uncanny instincts with that stuff.

1:08:15 Adam But not only that, but you'll be looking for it.

1:08:18 Drew Yeah. The point is I'm trying to do as I tell other parents too, which is get used to this. It should be something to do.

1:08:25 Adam But they don't have-

1:08:27 Drew I know they don't have the suit of agreement powers.

1:08:29 Adam Deputy dogs sitting across from the dinner table. I mean, you got McGruff at the dinner table.

1:08:34 Drew I agree with you.

1:08:35 Adam Yeah. Just look at it that way. You will know-

1:08:39 Drew Oh, I tell them that all the time. I said, you guys, you got it bad.

1:08:42 Adam Oh, they're never going to be able to do anything, but you don't have to screen them. That's going to slow down the process. You have to wait for them to whizz in a cup. You're going to know before they go to the bathroom.

1:08:51 Drew You're right. All right.

1:08:52 Adam So don't bother.

1:08:53 Tom Burbine Adam's going to be so happy when he hears your kids are on drugs.

1:08:56 Adam That's going to be awesome.

1:08:57 Drew I'm just going to be happy when Adam is a kid.

1:08:59 Adam I bought a dye bag from a Drew's youngest. It's awesome. Yeah. He didn't give me a break though. I was pissed about that. He's a business man. He's dealing from a fan. Sean, you're really going to give them eating swords. They're good kids. Give them a little space. Sean? Yeah. They got to be kids.

1:09:16 Drew Taking advice from Uncle Adam.

1:09:17 Adam Yeah. Believe me. Sean, you're 20.

1:09:20 Caller Yeah.

1:09:21 Drew No.

1:09:22 Adam Listen, I'm telling you, you can't put the screws to them.

1:09:25 Drew They're good kids. You're absolutely right. My thing, it's not about putting the screws to it. It's about not putting the screws to it. It's about having a structure in place and if they fall through, it's up to them. Yeah.

1:09:36 Tom Burbine Daily urine checks is structure.

1:09:38 Adam Yeah. Sure. Yeah, I know. We just submit a semen and a DNA sample before you leave the house every day.

1:09:46 Tom Burbine It'll become a normal habit for them.

1:09:48 Drew That's what I'm saying.

1:09:49 Adam Yeah. Police motorcycle escort to school. You'll have your own attache that is dispatched to you. Just a guy with an earpiece and a wraparound sunglass is just standing next to your desk in your homeroom. He's talking into his cuff link. Drew back at home base monitoring. Now he's got you on GPS. He reports there's trouble with one of the chips that he's inserted in one of the child. No, this is not a tracking chip. He sees what the child sees. They can tell if he's copying from the Asian kids' calc paper.

1:10:22 Drew Being John Malkovich.

1:10:23 Adam Yeah. Actually, you will actually have three separate screens and you'll sit in a dark room. You actually see what they're seeing and it'll be weird when they burst into the room and see you looking at you. And it's just going to infinity because they're looking at the screen and they're looking at you. Look at the screen.

1:10:38 Drew Can't wait for that. It'll be awesome.

1:10:40 Adam Awesome. Sean.

1:10:42 Caller Yeah.

1:10:43 Adam You're 20.

1:10:44 Caller Yeah. I have I've had a problem with proper rectal function since I started having sex, like around 18. And it hasn't really gone away and it hasn't gotten worse. It's still pretty much been the same. It's not, it doesn't have to do with drugs or drinking. Like I'm off any of that.

1:11:04 Drew What is, what Sean pray tell is improper about your erectile function?

1:11:09 Caller Like not being, being able to perform with a woman.

1:11:14 Drew What does that mean?

1:11:16 Caller Getting it out.

1:11:17 Drew You can't get it up in the first place?

1:11:19 Caller Yeah.

1:11:20 Drew So you, so you've never had intercourse with a woman?

1:11:23 Caller No, I have. But I'm just saying on several occasions when I need to, I can't. And I just think, I thought it was, I think it's abnormal for me at this young of an age to not be able to perform or get it up or whatever.

1:11:41 Adam Well, all right, hold on. Do you have a girlfriend?

1:11:44 Caller No.

1:11:45 Drew Have you ever?

1:11:47 Caller Yeah.

1:11:49 Adam You need to, I mean, unless you have some sort of vascular problem, you need just to find a girl and work it out.

1:11:57 Caller Right.

1:11:58 Adam How about just getting a girlfriend? Because here's the thing, your nerves, here's what I want to say. I don't think anyone would be good at anything if Drew.

1:12:08 Drew If you're nervous.

1:12:09 Adam If you had to do, well, let's not use you, let's use me. Because I have to do work on this radio show. But if I had to do this radio show, and I just did one, I did one a year. That's all. Just 364 days later.

1:12:20 Drew It's like Tom, making him nervous.

1:12:21 Adam Show up. Yeah. If I had to just be like, hi, I'm Alan, and that's Dr. Juju, and this is Love Bone.

1:12:30 Drew As it is, you don't even know you're on the radio.

1:12:32 Adam Right.

1:12:33 Drew Yeah.

1:12:33 Adam That's right. I'm not even sure we're here. The point is, Drew, can you see what I see? Have you planted a chip in me?

1:12:40 Drew Yeah.

1:12:41 Adam I'm a Japanese kid, so I'm awesome. The point is, you need to find a girlfriend. You get that girlfriend, you work it out. Like any job, you do it every day, it becomes very easy.

1:12:51 Drew I agree with one brief little interlude here. Can I talk to him for a second?

1:12:55 Adam Yes. Yes, you may.

1:12:57 Drew Sean, Adam is absolutely right. It's probably anxiety, it's probably the need to work things out, but you do need to be checked out to make sure there's not a medical problem. Do you have a normal sex drive?

1:13:05 Caller Yeah, I would say so.

1:13:06 Drew Do you have normal body hair?

1:13:08 Caller Body what?

1:13:10 Drew Hair distribution on your body.

1:13:11 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:13:12 Drew Normal stature?

1:13:14 Caller Yep.

1:13:15 Drew No other medical problems?

1:13:17 Caller Nope.

1:13:17 Drew No medications?

1:13:20 Caller I'm on Wellbutrin now, but it's been going on since before then, so.

1:13:24 Drew All right. Well, but obviously somebody thinks there might be a psychiatric problem.

1:13:27 Adam Yeah.

1:13:28 Drew So maybe that's what's causing this disorder.

1:13:32 Caller So how do you think I should go about fixing it?

1:13:35 Drew I think maybe, who is this? A psychiatrist prescribing the Wellbutrin or a general doctor?

1:13:39 Adam It's Gardner.

1:13:41 Caller It's a general doctor.

1:13:42 Drew Yeah. I think Wellbutrin to me will be, it's an interesting choice. It would not affect your sexuality or your erectile function, but it can make your anxiety worse. If anxiety is your problem, that may not be such a great choice, and I would want to see an expert before I took something like that. A. B. Adam gave you good advice about taking care of the problem and working it out once you get the psychiatric problem properly assessed.

1:14:06 Adam Yeah. Get a girlfriend.

1:14:08 Drew Yeah.

1:14:08 Tom Burbine Have you had a problem every time you've been with a girl?

1:14:12 Caller Not every time, but it's usually with a girl like I really want.

1:14:19 Adam He's anxious. He's got to work it out.

1:14:21 Drew But I'm anxious too.

1:14:23 Adam Yeah, you do, but your passion takes precedent.

1:14:30 Drew Takes it over.

1:14:30 Adam I want to say precedent, but it's in the driver's seat.

1:14:34 Drew Speaking of that, I'm going on Anderson Cooper tomorrow night and we're going to go over my.

1:14:38 Adam No one knows who Anderson Cooper is.

1:14:40 Drew He's a CNN show, like at seven o'clock or something, and we're going to do my brain scans.

1:14:45 Adam Oh, you are?

1:14:46 Drew Yeah, they're doing a male-female thing. I had a functional MRI scan looking at pornography.

1:14:51 Adam Where do you get that home MRI thing to pass your kids through?

1:14:54 Drew You don't need that.

1:14:55 Adam It's going to be great.

1:14:56 Drew How dare you?

1:14:57 Adam It's going to be like an Israeli airport.

1:14:58 Drew Have chips.

1:14:59 Adam You have screenings, lunch pail screenings, there's going to be pat-downs before they come in and leave the house. They're just going to be doing random swat.

1:15:06 Drew It's just going to be normal for them. They're just going to get used to it.

1:15:08 Adam It's going to come in the front door in a little red light, sir, step aside, sir, sir, take the belt off. Dad, sir, please, hands out. Please take shoes off, sir. Then you can do that wipe down thing with the swab. You find some chalk and a little marijuana residue on the kid. It goes right to the computer.

1:15:25 Drew I was at the airport the other day. Somebody, they yell something and then they freeze. Have you been through this?

1:15:30 Adam Yeah. It's like on Wonderama.

1:15:32 Drew What happens on Wonderama?

1:15:33 Adam They yell something and they freeze.

1:15:34 Drew Okay.

1:15:35 Yeah.

1:15:36 Adam Remember Wonderama?

1:15:37 Drew Bill, what was his name?

1:15:40 Adam Bob McAllister.

1:15:40 Drew Bob McAllister.

1:15:41 Adam All right. Go ahead. So they yell something and they freeze.

1:15:43 Drew Well, it was weird. They make you stand away from the machine. They start screaming and then they all, it's like a pack of monkeys that howl goes through the troop. Then they make you, I've never been through that before. Some sort of breach. Have you ever seen this?

1:15:58 Adam No. They just stopped everything. Somebody made it pass.

1:16:01 Drew I guess. Somebody goes, but they all yell the same thing. All of them, all of the airport and everybody stopped. They make everyone stop. Really? I've never seen anything like this. Then they yell all clear and go back to the...

1:16:14 Adam It seems to be different, which is one of these interesting things that the, every airport seems to be a little bit different, which is a weird thing to monkey with. McDonald's and Jack in the Box is much more uniformity than airport security does, which is one of these things because it's a federal thing. Why wouldn't they all be laid out almost exactly the same, the same equipment and the same protocol? Like, hey, at Logan, you got to take your shoes off, but at LAX, you don't have to take your shoes off. Like, really? You don't want to just decide on which one you're doing?

1:16:45 Drew LAX recently hired the angriest people. They really just become incredibly angry.

1:16:50 Adam Yeah. Well, you'd be angry.

1:16:50 Drew Hostile. It's like, what?

1:16:52 Adam No, well, they're hostile because, A, they're, well, first off, security is, you know, it basically, here's how it goes. It goes Job Corps, it goes military, and then it goes security in this sort of-

1:17:04 Drew Are you going up the food chain or down?

1:17:05 Adam Yeah, I'm going up. I'm going up. But that's the sort of, well, Job Corps is criminals.

1:17:09 Drew Okay.

1:17:10 Adam You go to Job, you get your choice between juvenile hall and put, you know, dig in fire lines in the Angeles Crest highway up there. That, I mean, that's that. And then military is just, I don't want to go to junior college, I'd rather fire a gun. And then security is, well, I've been busted so many times, I think I know a lot about the security at this point. So, you know, when you've been cuffed as many times as I have, I haven't had as many run-ins with the man. I mean, think about this, losers, in all facets of security. All facets. I mean, here's what it is. Security is like secret service and then a freefall. Just this, just a two-hour-long-

1:17:50 Drew It's FBI, it's FBI.

1:17:51 Adam Yeah, okay, it's like, yeah.

1:17:52 Drew It's not really security, though.

1:17:53 Adam Yeah, okay, it's just like secret service and then there's the guy you run to backstage at the Weenie Roast who won't let you on stage, even though you have to announce the next band. Or you're in the band. Yeah, here's what I do. I'm actually, I'm two members of Kiss and I have to announce it. And I have to bring them on stage. Can I get out? Yeah. No, can't get out. So that's my point. You're dealing with the bottom of the barrel and then it's LA. So you not only have the bottom of the barrel, but you have the angry people who are all out here. You know, it's not Georgia. You know what I'm saying? So you have an angry city.

1:18:27 Drew We have the envious out here.

1:18:28 Adam With the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, so it's awesome. It's great. It's a great experience. And take your shoes off. The guy rips out the wand. I wish I wouldn't mind if they just, I got singled out and had to be felt up out of line. I don't, you know, they tell you what they're going to do. I'm going to reach around your groin now, sir. I'm going to reach around. I'm going to use the back of my hand. These are the back of their hand, which is in a weirder. Yeah, it's like, hey, that's my weirdo uncle. He used to do that to me when I was nine. He'd do the back rub thing. He wouldn't do the front of the hand. He didn't want to get any prints on my underwear. It was awesome. But yeah, the backhand creepier and just go and feel up, buddy. I don't need the whole like here's something. Now, sure, I'm taking my taking taking my inner knuckle. I'm going to rub it against your left sack. Now I'm going right sack. Now I'm going to spank there with the ring, pinky, pinky knuckle. All backhand, by the way. Backhand. That's nice. That's awesome. All right. Let's keep. Should we take a break? I want to speak to yeast infection.

1:19:26 Drew How about two?

1:19:27 Adam Two? Line two? What's your take on medical marijuana? There's a bill in Congress. Zachary?

1:19:33 Caller Yeah. Hey, Adam. Hey, Drew.

1:19:35 Adam What's happening?

1:19:37 Caller Not much. Just driving on the freeway. LTL, FTC. Calling to get Drew's take on medicinal marijuana going to the Senate for a vote this summer and see what, well, Adam's take his two on it. I'm currently a patient of medical marijuana.

1:19:56 Drew Zachary, a couple of things. Hold on.

1:19:57 Adam What are you doing with medical marijuana?

1:19:58 Drew Hold on. I'll tell you what he's doing in a second. Let me tell you. You don't know? No, no. Hold on. Hold on. He knows what's up. I am generally in favor of these bills. I think our, the lack of a rational approach to this drug is creating serious problems. And we need to get much more rational, particularly as it pertains to research and medical use. We give opiates to opiate addicts if it helps them decrease suffering. Why can't we give marijuana to marijuana addicts if it helps them at the end of life?

1:20:28 Adam I'll tell you what, Drew, slippery slope, my friend.

1:20:30 Drew I know, slippery slope.

1:20:31 Adam Slippery slope.

1:20:31 Drew Exactly. What I will tell you is, I've never received a request for medical marijuana from other than a marijuana addict.

1:20:38 Caller Right.

1:20:39 Drew Non-addicts are not interested in medical marijuana. And when I, by the way, when I offer Marinol to the addicts that ask for medical marijuana, not interested, because it doesn't make you high the way the regular marijuana does. You're interested in being on marijuana, and if that helps you with your medical problems, and you're not interested in getting off, fine.

1:20:55 Tom Burbine What medical problem do you have?

1:20:57 Caller Chronic backache.

1:20:58 Drew Yes. Chronic backache would magically go away if you were up, but be that as it may.

1:21:03 Adam Wow, Tom. It tickled by it.

1:21:04 Drew I know it does. It's an opioid effect for some people. But some of the marijuana, the CB1 and CB2 receptor antagonists, blocking agents, these marijuana receptor blockers are going to be some of the most important medications going forward that we're going to see in the next 5 to 10 years. So I'm a huge advocate of liberalizing the research of marijuana.

1:21:23 Adam Slippery slope, Drew. Slippery slope. Let me tell you what happens. You legalize this contraband, this narcotic for consumption for people with so-called injuries or conditions. Next thing you know, you got jack-booted dugs kicking in your front door, taking your infant, opening his mouth, massaging his throat, forcing full marijuana plants down his throat. You see what I'm saying? That's what's next. It's slippery slope. It's the same way.

1:21:52 Drew It'll take a few weeks for that to happen, too. It'll happen immediately.

1:21:55 Adam A few weeks. That's optimistic. I have it down to hours. Yeah, yeah. No, you're forcing people who don't want to take marijuana. You're going to actually be forced. The government will be forcing them to take it. Then you create a black market. I always like the scheme ones that involves guys in vans going to Nevada and buying things. Here's the problem.

1:22:14 Drew As it is, we get guys like Zachary, who's a full-blown marijuana addict using it, and no one is really monitoring it and exploring this carefully.

1:22:20 Adam Zachary?

1:22:21 Drew Yeah.

1:22:22 Adam Wow. His name is Zach, and he's calling from Santa Barbara, so he really didn't stand a chance. He was like, someone should have just handed you a bong when you were born. There you go, buddy.

1:22:30 Drew They basically did.

1:22:31 Adam There's a bong. Yeah, we had his bong bronzed, actually.

1:22:34 Drew Your back pain will magically go away, Zachary. Just FYI, if you could maintain sobriety for about three months, that back pain will get a lot better.

1:22:42 Adam Well, listen, first off, you're going to live in Santa Barbara. You might as well just smoke weed anyway. There's nothing going on. Just enjoy the view.

1:22:49 Caller Yeah.

1:22:49 Adam Enjoy the sea air. But would you consider yourself a marijuana addict, Zachary? I definitely am.

1:22:55 Caller I mean, I've been smoking marijuana for four years. I only became a patient this past year. It just helps me with a lot in my life, more than just a little bit. And it's something I do recreationally. It's something I don't do at parties.

1:23:08 Drew I know. It's like giving opiates or methadone or buprenorphine to an opiate addict.

1:23:13 Adam How'd you hurt your back? Lots of labor.

1:23:16 Caller Working as a courier for...

1:23:18 Drew He doesn't have a back injury.

1:23:19 Adam No, you don't have a back injury.

1:23:20 Caller I'm part of the Job Corps right now. I am cutting line on the Angeles Crest.

1:23:25 Drew Wow, how weird is that?

1:23:26 Adam Are you really on the Angeles Crest?

1:23:28 Caller Well, I'm on the San Bernardino National Forest. I'm cutting line up there with the forest crew up there.

1:23:33 Adam I'll tell you, you are with the elite, the who's who of young felons from this country.

1:23:39 Caller Yup, we're working with people in the prison program.

1:23:43 Adam That's awesome. But people in the Job Corps, it's prison with a shovel is basically what it is.

1:23:50 Drew You got to admire Zachary too. Zachary, do you consider yourself marijuana? Oh, absolutely.

1:23:54 Adam It does.

1:23:55 Drew I'm completely strung out.

1:23:56 Adam By the way, cutting fire lines when you have a chronic back, that's a tough gig. On the other hand, you're 22, you've never had an injury. So you don't have any back problems.

1:24:07 Drew The opiate effect in the pot causes the back pain. I know it's a stretch for you to believe, but I treat this all the time. Yeah. You'll be surprised how the pain magic goes away. You get off all drugs for about three to six months.

1:24:17 Adam I'm really starting to believe that back pain is almost just a description of an emotional condition that ends up in your back. I do know it firsthand. I used to have a lot of back pain.

1:24:32 Drew When you're depressed.

1:24:32 Adam When you're depressed, you get a lot of- it's not made up. I mean-

1:24:37 Drew You feel it. Oh, it hurts.

1:24:38 Adam You can't get out of bed some mornings. You can't turn your head. You get these kinks in your neck and the pinched nerves and whatever you want to call them, stingers, whatever it is.

1:24:46 Drew But it's not because they're discs pushing on the nerve. It's because of something in the central nervous system.

1:24:51 Adam Yeah. But look, if you can give yourself diarrhea through-

1:24:56 Drew Being stressed.

1:24:57 Adam Yeah. Or if you can vomit because you're stressed out or you can-

1:25:01 Drew You get headaches because you're stressed.

1:25:02 Adam Whatever you want, you can certainly pinch your neck up. That's nothing. All right. Tom Burbine here, one of, like I said, the largest Dodge Ram retailers in Southern California, and teaches- I'm just going to say astrophysics.

1:25:16 Tom Burbine It's close enough.

1:25:17 Adam It's close enough. He's out here. He dropped 15 grand just to hang out with us for the Tsunami Relief Fund.

1:25:23 Drew You're not giving him a chance to talk. No. Why? Why, buddy?

1:25:26 Adam He's tired.

1:25:27 Tom Burbine No, I'm just enthralled just to be in your presences. Can I do some ass kissing?

1:25:33 Adam Blah, blah, blah. Hold on a second, Tom. I want you to write down. Make some notes. Make a note. I want you to really sit down with your thoughts for a second. I'll give you a piece of paper.

1:25:42 Tom Burbine Thank you.

1:25:42 Adam We got to take a break.

1:25:44 Tom Burbine Okay.

1:25:44 Adam But Tom's going to do some world-class ass kissing when we come back.

1:25:51 Hello.

1:25:52 Drew This is Loveline.

1:25:53 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:25:55 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:26:25 Adam Yeah, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Tom Burbine is here tonight. Tom invested 15 large to the Tsunami Relief Fund. Very generously, he is out here from, I don't know where in Massachusetts. And he's a brilliant guy. And don't believe me, you don't think he's brilliant? Well, just listen to the praise he's going to heap on moi.

1:26:55 Tom Burbine Adam, you are a comic genius. And I think it's a travesty that the entertainment community has never recognized you're brilliant. You've never been nominated for an Emmy, Academy Award. I went on the Internet Movie Dated Place, and the awards and nominations is blank for you.

1:27:09 Adam What, really? No Academy Award? I didn't get the nod this year.

1:27:12 Tom Burbine No Emmys, no anything. Because Jimmy Kimmel has won, he won an Emmy and nominated for Emmy for being host of The Ben Stein. So he has a link, but you have no link for awards and nominations. You're right.

1:27:24 Adam Hold on a second. First off, I beg to differ because we won a Shine Award.

1:27:28 Drew That's right. We did. Three of them.

1:27:30 Adam Although you'd probably find that on their Caroline Ray's name because her name was prominently displayed on the thing so much so that I had to take a Sharpie and take her name off because people don't think it's my award. Also, I did get a, not an award, but a certificate for finishing a pig's trough at Farrells in 1974. So that should have been listed on there. But keep going. It's a plaque. It's suitable for framing. It's not something I like to brag about, but I did finish it off. Just a little help for my stepdad.

1:28:00 Tom Burbine Let me add, you want to know the funniest joke I ever heard you tell on the show?

1:28:03 Adam Yes, I would. But hold on. If it's not funny, I'm going to kill myself because that's my funniest joke. You know what I mean?

1:28:11 Tom Burbine You and Dr. Drew were talking to me about how prevalent oral sex was in high school. You, Adam, had the classic one-liner. You said if you were getting oral sex in high school, you would be printing out leaflets.

1:28:22 Adam Oh, yeah?

1:28:23 Tom Burbine That's a sad one. I laugh every time.

1:28:26 Drew It wasn't a joke, by the way. He was serious.

1:28:27 Adam Yeah, yeah.

1:28:28 Tom Burbine It's something like Bob Hope or Jack Benny would never have thought of, never have told.

1:28:31 Adam No. Those hacks. No, they don't have my genius. They do probably have a couple of Emmys and maybe an Oscar in the closet.

1:28:39 Tom Burbine If you were not on the show, I would have probably bid $20, $30, $50.

1:28:43 Adam Wow.

1:28:44 Tom Burbine See it. But because you were on the show, I did the bidding.

1:28:48 Drew One percent.

1:28:49 Adam Thank you.

1:28:50 Tom Burbine You got to remember this 15,000 is approximately about for this year about 30 percent of my salary. So pretty much I'm going to be wiped out financially for years or maybe decades.

1:28:58 Adam Yeah. Well, it's an interesting. I was inspired by Tom's can-do attitude and when I learned. Now, here's the thing. When we found out, we started talking two months ago about this raising money for the tsunami relief thing, I thought, well, first winning bid for this show is going to be 14, 1500 bucks. That was my first thought. My second thought was going to be, we're going to get some trust fund baby comes in the air. We're going to get some guy, he either owns the nudie places down by the airport, he's making money hand over fist because he got clipped on his Harley by a shell truck and he's made millions in court or something. I didn't know we're going to have two hardworking guys, two guys who know the value of a dollar coming in here. When I found out that Tom basically is donating the amount he makes teaching for a summer session in his astrology class, I was inspired and then I thought, so my first impulse is, wow, this guy is not like he makes a million bucks a year and he's parting with a very small percentage of his yearly income. He's parting with almost 30 percent, as he said, of his annual intake. And he said, I believe he said when we were talking to him, it's just something he wanted to do.

1:30:24 Drew It's one of your life goals.

1:30:26 Tom Burbine Yeah, life-long goals. Once I heard the auction, I said, this is the only way I'm going to get in the show. I'm now the writer. I don't have big breasts. I'm not an author. I'm not a musician. So I said it and I just said, this is mine. So I decided I'm going to bid whatever it was. I was going to take it and I was able to get it.

1:30:42 Adam But there's a thing that's sort of inspiring in that he just, Tom had a goal and had a dream and he went through life or his trajectory in life is, I got things I want to do and I'm going to do them.

1:30:59 Drew And it waits for the opportunity.

1:31:00 Adam Instead of sitting around and thinking about worst case scenarios and what could happen and what could go wrong.

1:31:05 Drew What are the other life goals?

1:31:07 Tom Burbine I'd like to, I would like to have a link on the Internet Movie Database, do something so I have some type of link on there.

1:31:16 Adam Why don't you shoot Drew? I think that would get you on.

1:31:20 Tom Burbine Yes, yes, yes. And my trial and then I also always wanted to write a book so hopefully it can be on Amazon to kind of write a book on asteroids.

1:31:28 Drew Oh wow.

1:31:29 Adam Yeah, well you could write a book on asteroids.

1:31:30 Drew We were in all the stuff we were at. I think a lot of people were interested in stuff we were talking about at dinner.

1:31:34 Adam Yeah, well what you got to do is you got to come up with some crackpot theory that you can't really support but it's got to be a real doomsday theory and then you make the circuit.

1:31:41 Drew Not a theory as much as a headline, a headline.

1:31:44 Adam Yeah, but I mean you say we sell it, they sell it when you're going to be on CNN.

1:31:50 Drew What's the title going to be? Alan's going to help you here. He's very good at this kind of thing.

1:31:54 Adam I think it's going to be called Duck, while you're going to be smashed by an asteroid. And then you do some calculations that no TV host can really keep up with, that basically says within, you know, somewhere within the next eight years, something the size of Texas will actually ironically only hit Texas. So it's just going to be replaced, essentially. Texas essentially is going to hit Texas. And not only is your theory going to be the size of Texas, the exact same shape.

1:32:24 Drew And land right on the border.

1:32:25 Adam And land right on it. As a matter of fact, it's happened three times. We don't even know it. It's like Texas got paved over. It happens at night. No one even knows. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the thing. The size of Texas, but the shape of Texas. And it's actually going to hit Texas. And it's not spilling into Arkansas or anywhere else. It's just pow. What else is on the border?

1:32:45 Drew It's going to be Duck Y'all.

1:32:46 Caller Yeah.

1:32:46 Adam Duck Y'all.

1:32:47 Tom Burbine Okay.

1:32:48 Caller All right.

1:32:48 Tom Burbine And you want to commission if the book starts selling?

1:32:50 Adam No.

1:32:51 Tom Burbine No.

1:32:51 Adam No. No. You got to save up for your next appearance.

1:32:54 Tom Burbine Yes. Yes.

1:32:54 Adam I've worked it out, Tom, too. I know it's the 15 grand to come on the show and hang out tonight. But I thought, I'll have lunch with you tomorrow for like 3,500 bucks. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, just kind of between us.

1:33:04 Drew Yeah.

1:33:05 Tom Burbine Have you ever done this before? Have you ever sold a place on the show?

1:33:08 Drew No.

1:33:08 Adam No. Well, except for the other guy.

1:33:10 Tom Burbine The other guy.

1:33:11 Adam Do the exact same thing you're doing. But other than the other guy doing the exact same thing you're doing, no, it's never happened before.

1:33:17 Tom Burbine Yeah. My only goal was to be a better guest than him, so that was my goal.

1:33:20 Adam Don't listen. If you would have just belched and passed out, he would have, no, he's a dear friend. He's a dear friend. No, but Tom, I mean, come on. You're Tom. You're the Tomster. You're the Tomiak.

1:33:30 Tom Burbine Yeah. Once I bought the presents, I knew I could bring you over.

1:33:32 Drew Tomiak.

1:33:34 Adam He's a Tomiak on the floor, buddy. The Tomiaster. All right. Let's take a break.

1:33:39 Drew No. What's up?

1:33:40 Adam Baba, caller female Drew? You're 22? Drew, hot name for a chick.

1:33:49 Caller Actually, it's Andrea, but Drew is my nickname.

1:33:52 Adam Still, that's what happens when you're too hot for Andrea. They kick you up to Drew.

1:33:57 Drew Nice.

1:33:57 Adam What is up?

1:33:59 Caller I have no idea.

1:34:01 Adam See, you are good looking, right?

1:34:02 Caller Yeah. I'm a fairly attractive woman. Yeah. You could say that. You could say that.

1:34:08 Adam All right.

1:34:08 Drew And your question?

1:34:10 Caller I've had overly large breasts since I was in the 6th grade.

1:34:15 Tom Burbine You have a tough life?

1:34:17 Adam Yeah.

1:34:17 Caller I've had a lot of stares.

1:34:19 Adam Yeah.

1:34:20 Caller Not necessarily a tough life, but a lot of stares. And, you know, now I'm 23 and it's... my breasts are starting to sag. And I've noticed a lot of, like, shoulder pain. And I always thought that girls that complained of shoulder pain that had big breasts, it was just a bunch of crap because they were, you know, wusses or whatever. But it really is hurting me. And I don't know if I should get a breast lift or a breast reduction.

1:34:44 Adam Well, hold on, hold on now. What size? What size are you?

1:34:47 Caller I'm like a 38D. I'm really big. I am. And I'm not a big girl, you know, as far as, you know, me being a thickness wise.

1:34:55 Drew Now, how tall are you?

1:34:56 Caller I'm about 5'6.

1:34:57 Tom Burbine How much you weigh?

1:34:59 Caller About 135, 145.

1:35:01 Tom Burbine Can we do some radio math?

1:35:02 Adam Oh, we got to do some radio math. Let me tell you how the radio math usually works. Usually about 5'6, and 135 will add about 10% on the weight. But when you go 135, 145, now, now we're bumped up into 20 percentile.

1:35:16 Drew Yeah, but doesn't she get a special deduction for the name?

1:35:20 Adam Drew?

1:35:21 Drew The hot name, the hot attitude.

1:35:23 Adam Yeah, but now I'm starting to wonder.

1:35:25 Tom Burbine I think she got the name when she was like 15 or 16. She just kept it.

1:35:29 Adam So 5'6, 135, 145.

1:35:33 Drew Did she say that?

1:35:34 Adam Yes. Yes, she did.

1:35:35 Tom Burbine 135, 145.

1:35:37 Adam You're talking to streetwise genius and the book smart genius. Let me see.

1:35:40 Tom Burbine You take the square root of 72, multiply an exponent, factor out.

1:35:45 Adam Hold on. Slow down, Einstein. Let me see. So what was that again, Tom?

1:35:50 Tom Burbine Square root of 72, and then you take an exponent and you want to do a factorial, and then you want to divide by 52.6.

1:35:59 Adam Slow down. 52.6.

1:36:01 Drew So we're just going to do a natural log in there?

1:36:03 Tom Burbine Yeah. You want to log in.

1:36:05 Adam Corn log or cheese log? What kind of log?

1:36:07 Drew Natural log.

1:36:08 Adam Natural log. I'm going to put corn.

1:36:10 Tom Burbine Log base E.

1:36:11 Adam Log.

1:36:12 Tom Burbine And what else? You probably want to square it too. And then to the 3 halves power.

1:36:18 Adam Okay. I think I'm almost there. Drew, what's 2 times 3?

1:36:22 Drew That's Tom. He's sitting at the kitchen.

1:36:24 Adam Tom, 2 times 3?

1:36:25 Tom Burbine It's 6 usually.

1:36:27 Adam And what is it?

1:36:28 Drew Unless you're an imaginary number.

1:36:29 Adam Yeah.

1:36:29 Tom Burbine Imaginary number.

1:36:30 Adam 2 times 3 is 6. And then 1 times 2. Is that still 2? So 1 times, but what's like 1 times 8?

1:36:38 Drew Still 8.

1:36:39 Adam That's 2?

1:36:40 Drew That's not 2, that's 8.

1:36:41 Adam Okay. So let me just, you know, just before you judge.

1:36:44 Drew What would be an imaginary number?

1:36:46 Tom Burbine The i's, yes.

1:36:47 Drew Yes.

1:36:47 Adam We just make sure.

1:36:48 Tom Burbine Square root of negative 1.

1:36:49 Adam 1 times 4 is 4, but like 1 times 9 is still, is 9 too, or is 4?

1:36:53 Drew Yeah.

1:36:53 Adam Okay. 10 plus 2 is what, Drew? I mean, Tom?

1:37:00 Tom Burbine 10 plus 2 is 12.

1:37:01 Adam Okay.

1:37:03 Tom Burbine Okay.

1:37:03 Adam I have 5, 4, and 13, 16, and I have 153. Drew? Yeah. That was some of the most elaborate radio math we've ever done. Makes it more accurate. On a gal. It's hard to argue with this kind of world-class number crunching that's going on in here tonight. So here's what we would have to say. You can consult the plastic surgeon. I've talked to plastic surgeons about this many times.

1:37:39 Drew There really is no lift.

1:37:40 Adam There's not really a lift, although Dr. Marcel who's usually so coked up, I can't understand him when he does a show. For the first five years, I talked to him. He said, there's no such thing as a lift. Then last time he was on the show, when someone wanted a lift, I was like, well, you can't get a lift. He said, no, absolutely. They do them all the time. I have no idea what that is talking about anymore. The point is, it's probably more reduction than it is a lift. You should consult that. But also, I bet if you got down 15 pounds, you might lose some chest size too.

1:38:15 Drew Right.

1:38:16 Caller That always happens.

1:38:17 Drew Right.

1:38:18 Adam Well, there you go.

1:38:18 Tom Burbine Do that.

1:38:19 Drew This is the way to exercise more.

1:38:20 Adam Start there and then go consult. Yeah?

1:38:24 Caller You got it. Thank you.

1:38:25 Adam All right. All right, baby doll. All right.

1:38:28 Drew Well, when we come back. When she started her conversation, she wanted you to be hold for a few minutes. Remember that?

1:38:33 Adam Yeah.

1:38:34 Drew Just take me in.

1:38:36 Adam Yeah. When we come back, we're going to calculate areola circumference with that Tom Burbine.

1:38:42 Drew It's going to be awesome.

1:38:42 Adam Thank you. After this. Hey, y'all, it's the Love Line. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Our dear, dear, dear, dear, dear friend, Tom, is here. He's donated quite a lump to the Tsunami Relief Fund, and what a, how liberating must be to be like Tom. Drew, Drew, look at you and your gilded cage trap.

1:39:39 Tom Burbine I actually was able to take it off my taxes, so I saved about 4,000 in taxes because I donated money, but the problem is I'm 99% sure I'm going to be audited because my donation went from 0 to 15,000, so I think that puts up red flags with the government.

1:39:54 Adam Yeah, they gotta look out for your type. Slicks, snake oil salesman. Yeah, we've seen your type. All right, Drew, I want to talk to Bernice, who I think called last week. Bernice?

1:40:07 Yeah.

1:40:08 Adam Okay, did you call us last week?

1:40:10 Yes, I did.

1:40:11 Drew You were driving around drunk with your teacher?

1:40:13 Adam Let me see if I can, I'll give you my powers of recollection. Teacher from your school wanted to meet you outside about 4 a.m. and plied you with a little booze. Then you passed out and when you woke up, it was about noontime and he was driving around with you in the car. You think he gave you a roofie?

1:40:40 Caller Yeah, and I was remembering what you told me about how alcoholics are prone to blackouts.

1:40:47 Drew That and the fact that you drank certainly enough to cause you to not just blackout but pass out. You don't need the roofie to make your story complete.

1:40:58 Adam Yeah, no. Let me just clear it up for everyone. We have a lot of people say, I know a guy slipped me a roofie and it's like what happened? Well, it was St. Patrick's Day. I drank a pony keg and then I did a couple of anal funnels full of grain alcohol and then I passed out. I'm pretty sure he gave me a roofie.

1:41:17 Drew Right.

1:41:18 Caller Right.

1:41:20 Drew And I'm 14. I weigh 38 pounds.

1:41:22 Adam That's right.

1:41:22 Drew That's right.

1:41:23 Adam No, you drank. You drank. And what he did isn't any better. But you drink a bottle of Jack. You don't need a roofie.

1:41:31 Drew Yeah. I wouldn't go down the roofie path so much. It's not as important as the fact that even just that the guy I met you at four in the morning drove with you in his car.

1:41:39 Adam Yeah.

1:41:40 Drew And gave you a substance.

1:41:41 Adam And he was a teacher at your school, right?

1:41:44 Tom Burbine Were you molested before?

1:41:45 Adam Excuse me?

1:41:46 Tom Burbine Were you molested when you were younger?

1:41:48 Caller No. No.

1:41:50 Adam Little beat there. So what happened? Your parents found out about it or you told them?

1:41:56 Caller No.

1:41:56 Caller I wrote it in my journal. And I'd looked at it at school once.

1:42:01 And I looked at it in my backpack.

1:42:04 Caller And I guess they were trying to see whose backpack it was. And they actually opened it and read it and found out about it. And the school actually reported it and everything. And actually what I want to ask you is, how can I not make this happen? Because I don't want to press charges.

1:42:21 Adam Well, first off.

1:42:22 Drew It's not up to you, I don't think.

1:42:24 Adam It may be too late for that. But here's the thing.

1:42:27 Caller I don't have any proof. I didn't write any names.

1:42:30 Adam You didn't write any names?

1:42:31 Caller Yeah.

1:42:32 Adam All right. Isn't there some sort of like attorney-client privilege between a chick and her diary, by the way, that's like not admissible in court or something? Are they putting the screws to you? I mean, look, here's the thing. You should do something about this. This guy is a criminal and he needs to be brought to justice without sounding corny. On the other hand, if you're just looking for a way to get out of it, and just say you made it up, in which case, everyone will just think you're a nut job. You know what I'm saying?

1:43:07 Caller Yeah.

1:43:10 Adam It sounds either bogus or like you're crying out for some attention or help.

1:43:15 Tom Burbine You wouldn't put the journal on your backpack to bring it to school unless you want people to find it.

1:43:18 Drew Well, either this is a bogus call.

1:43:21 Adam Or.

1:43:22 Drew Or this is a very disturbed situation. And people hopefully at school will refer you for some help. And that this person will be taken to task appropriately. He certainly shouldn't be teaching kids.

1:43:35 Adam Yeah.

1:43:36 Drew To protect himself and to protect other people. And it sounds like he needs some kind of treatment as well.

1:43:40 Adam Yeah.

1:43:41 Drew And certainly in your situation, Bernice, you need a lot of help. So.

1:43:44 Adam Why not just go throw yourself on the mercy of the powers that be? You're not going to get into trouble. How about it? Let them help you. Why go through with this rain cloud over your head? There's something liberating about just throwing yourself, just being free. How about it?

1:44:04 Drew Just following direction. Yeah.

1:44:05 Adam Just go talk to your counselor. How about it?

1:44:07 Caller I've been in therapy for about six months now.

1:44:11 Drew We'll talk to your therapist about it.

1:44:12 Adam Talk to your therapist about it.

1:44:13 Caller No.

1:44:14 Drew No. Well, that's not therapy.

1:44:15 Adam Well, then stop bothering us. Would you please?

1:44:17 Drew That's not therapy, Bernice. I don't know what that is, but that's not therapy.

1:44:19 Adam Oh, look, I don't care what it is, but if you're going to call the show and ask for our advice, and you don't want to take it, then don't call the show anymore, please. All right. Thanks. Good. I know I sound like a dick, but this is the second time you've called. It's the second time we've told you what our opinion is and what you need to do.

1:44:36 Drew Well, it's a serious situation.

1:44:37 Adam It's the second time you told us you're not going to do it.

1:44:38 Drew It's a serious situation.

1:44:40 Adam It is. Talk to your therapist about it.

1:44:42 Drew It's a very serious situation and it feels very helpless to us.

1:44:48 Adam Well, I'm not minimizing what's happened to her or how difficult it is, but I have no choice. Here's what, you tell us what to do. You tell us what the problem is. We'll tell you what to do. And if you say, no, I'm not going to do it, then we got to move on. You're a dick to a lot of people on the air.

1:45:02 Caller Thank you.

1:45:04 Adam Well, you should see me off the air. We'll take a break. We'll be right back after this. Well, that's it. I want to thank Tom Burbine for coming out here. And again, if you're looking for a custom van or RV.

1:46:02 Tom Burbine Yeah, if I get fired as a professor, I will do the vans.

1:46:06 Adam Yeah.

1:46:06 Drew And I'll see you in Pine Valley.

1:46:08 Tom Burbine Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna talk to Amherst College, and I will ensure that you get invited up there.

1:46:12 Drew Or UMass, even UMass would be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:46:14 Tom Burbine Yeah, I will make sure you get invited to speak up there.

1:46:16 Drew Well done.

1:46:17 Tom Burbine I will go speak to the right people.

1:46:18 Drew Holy oak, Smith.

1:46:19 Adam Yeah, they're all holding their breath waiting for Drew to roll in the tent. So, again, Tom Burbine, thank you very much for your generous donation. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew Sand. Mahalo.

1:46:32 Tom Burbine And I was also impressed how good looking you were because it never gets mentioned on the air.

1:46:36 Adam Now we're getting to it. Now we're getting why. Now we know why he popped down to 15 grand in the cross country.

1:46:43 Drew Oh, and I got to put out too, don't I?

1:46:45 Adam For 15 grand, I think that's good for at least a reach around.

1:46:50 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, March 6, 2005