Episode 1000673741453

4:54 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Love Line. I'm Adam Carolla. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1- Night Show, yeah, forget it. Hey, yeah, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Dixon Medicine Specialist, and tonight from Less Than Perfect, Will Sasso's here. Will?

5:11 Will Sasso How's it going?

5:12 Drew Oh, come on, Michelle, here we go.

5:13 Will Sasso Is my mic on?

5:14 Oh, jeez.

5:16 Will Sasso Yeah. No, that was me throwing my own voice. That's the first funny bit of the ying.

5:23 Will Sasso No, that wasn't me.

5:24 Adam Will, we know or knew from all the seasons on Mad TV, and now Less Than Perfect.

5:32 Drew You know, my kids, they had Mad TV, like, continuously for the entire Christmas holiday, basically.

5:37 Adam Yeah, they ran a lot of them.

5:39 Drew My kids tevo'd, like, all of them, and then sat and watched and watched and watched.

5:42 Adam Oh, really?

5:43 Drew I've seen more Will Sasso than I can bear.

5:45 Adam That's a, he's a lot of Will. But the thing about it, the thing about it, too, is, is, I mean, it's nice when your kids have a sense of humor, right?

5:55 Drew Yeah. Is that good? It's, it's, it's an interesting dilemma for me, because, like, I got to monitor what they're watching. Some of it's, like, getting a little edgy. But I like the fact that they appreciate the humor and they're sort of...

6:05 Will Sasso It's good to get the kids going on, you know, crack jokes and sex and racism as early as possible.

6:09 Drew And the poo-poo stuff.

6:10 Will Sasso All the poo-poo stuff.

6:12 Adam You know, you know what's weird, though? I remember as a kid, things either, they're funny or they don't register. Like, the dirt, like, I remember when I was a kid, I watched an episode of, I think it was Maud.

6:26 Drew And after you fell in love with him.

6:27 Adam By the way, you want to know why I hate my parents? That's it. That's what we had, kids. We didn't have satellite. We didn't have the internet. We had a black and white zenith sitting next to my overweight mom watching Maud.

6:39 Drew You'd wait for Tuesday night to see Maud.

6:41 Adam Oh, it's a big deal, yeah. And there was a joke somewhere in it where some, like, black guy came walking through or something and they said, is it true what they say about, you know, and I remember being 10 or something and going, I have no idea what they say. And then later on somebody told me or I figured it out or something, but it wasn't offensive, you know, it wasn't considered racy for me because I didn't know what it was.

7:08 Drew Right.

7:09 Will Sasso I bet you laugh anyway. Oh, yeah. My older brother would have me sit through Monty Python when I was like, you know, six and then, you know, there'd be a joke with someone named BJ. Smegma and he would just laugh wildly and I go, yeah, yeah. And then you see it like a year ago and go, oh, that's right.

7:27 Drew Yeah.

7:27 Adam I wonder how many I would like a loop of fake laughs. I think I do.

7:31 Drew From you in your lifetime or just anybody?

7:34 Adam Anybody. Everybody.

7:36 Will Sasso And there was someone named BJ. Smegma.

7:38 Drew Oh, nice.

7:39 Will Sasso I'm not making that up.

7:40 Adam Yeah. My sister married him.

7:41 Drew Really? She's a good guy.

7:42 Adam She's a banker, right? She's now Lauren Smegma. Yeah.

7:47 Drew Yeah. We have our auction going on here at karoque.com, the mother station here in Los Angeles. The auction is to raise money for tsunami survivors. And what you'll be bidding on is an opportunity to come up here and guest host or be a guest on Loveline. And Mr. Tom Burbeen, I guess you pronounce the name, has bid $11,000.

8:07 Adam $11,000.

8:08 Drew I mean, already, you're going to have to take the scout to dinner at least beforehand.

8:12 Adam Well, I will pay for it, Drew. I will pay for it out of the $5,000 that I lift off the $11,000. Now, I mean, Will, you're a businessman, you're a comedian, but you're a businessman.

8:22 Will Sasso Yeah.

8:22 Adam Here's basically what I'm saying. He's giving $11,000, but much of that is based on me, my presence, what I bring to the show. And if you had the old host of the show, you'd probably be bringing 20, maybe $2,500. I mean, let's be honest.

8:38 Will Sasso Well, in both cases, it's a ripoff. I only had to pay four, ba-dum-dum.

8:42 Adam I got it up. I got it up. Will's gonna be begging to leave in like 20 minutes. Please go. So will this guy, by the way. Oh yeah. That's gonna be, oh man, it's 11. Yeah, show ends at 12. Ah, I get the idea. I'm good. I got a radio in the Taurus. I'll be listening on the way back though. Drew, what a slap in the face. All I'm saying is, is I figure I got it up to 11 grand. I just want to wet my beak. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying I want the lion's share of the money. I'm just saying I want to taste for the work I do.

9:16 Will Sasso That's all. Like you said, it's show business. It's not show show. It's show business.

9:20 Adam That's right.

9:20 Will Sasso It's not show fun.

9:21 Adam It's not show fun. It's not show charity. It's not show freebie. It's show business. And here's what I'm saying. I just want five grand. That's all. They get six and then I'll tell you what I do. I make an $80 donation from the five grand and we'll take this guy out to like an Arby's or like maybe even a TGI or something like that. An appetizer or something like that for the show, right? Perfect. All right. And again, here's what I'm saying. I stay at five. We could go up to 15. I'm still at five until we get to 18 and then I jump to seven, seven, five, seven, five. All right. You ready?

9:56 Drew Yeah.

9:57 Adam Jessica?

9:58 Yes.

10:00 Adam I don't know. Let's see what the big deal is. It's just business. It's $6,000.

10:03 Drew You're making a big deal out of it.

10:05 Adam They didn't have the $6,000. Should I keep that too? You want me to take the whole $11,000? Is that what you want?

10:10 Drew I'll do it.

10:12 Adam I'll take the whole $11,000. Jessica?

10:15 Drew Yeah.

10:16 Adam I'm generously giving $6,000.

10:17 Drew By the way, did you hear today that there's some organizations in Indonesia that don't want Americans or American money because it will diminish the radicalization of the Muslim communities there, and they want to blame the Americans for having dropped bombs in Iraq because that's what caused the earthquake?

10:32 Adam Well, I thought it was like nuclear testing, like out in the ocean or something like that. Well, look, I'm sure there's some things where there's like no Jews on the beach when the tsunami hit. I would love... Well, hold on a second. Let me just say this. You have people that essentially are, you know, on the evolutionary scale several thousand years earlier than us. We should really study them to see how man lived back then. Secondly, they have a retarded religion. Now, I'll be at... Our religion is fairly retarded, too. But theirs is mega retarded. They're praying to some this. They got the virgins. So is it surprising when they have these bizarre beliefs?

11:13 Drew I'm just saying, is this money going where we need it to go?

11:16 Adam You know what, Drew? I'm now taking $5,500. We are splitting this. I do not need some guy buying a VX nerve gas with this money.

11:26 Will Sasso Well, the more you take, the less money they have to worry about. And the less they have to serve us.

11:32 Drew Adam, you get my meaning. That's fine. Okay, here we go.

11:33 Adam Okay, good. You're right, Drew. I like where this is heading. Jessica?

11:37 Yes.

11:37 Adam Yeah, I don't need to build another bunker for Saddam over there. Yeah? Jessica?

11:44 Yes.

11:44 Adam You're 22.

11:46 Caller Yes.

11:46 Adam What's up?

11:48 Caller Well, I've been looking into different forms of birth control, and I was wondering what your opinion is on IUDs.

11:55 Drew I'm fearful of them, but this is one practitioner's point of view, because I saw so many horrible problems with tubal infections and stuff when I was in training. Apparently, now they're back, they're safe, the kinds of IUDs they have look good. They are viable means. They're particularly good if you've had one or two kids. Why? Because then the risk, the fertility risks are really not an issue, but even so, they're thought to be limited, if at all.

12:18 Adam But they couldn't bring them back unless they were ultra safe, right?

12:21 Drew Right, they were there quite safe now. But I will tell you the one thing that you might think about if you have any sort of philosophical point of view, this is an abortifacient. This is something that prevents implantation. That's how that works.

12:32 Adam Really? The IUD?

12:33 Drew And why don't people attack the IUDs? They attack the morning after pill, but not the IUD.

12:37 Adam I feel like you're attacking me now, Drew.

12:39 Drew I feel like I am, too.

12:40 Adam Relax. Wow. Will, what was that?

12:43 Will Sasso I don't know. What's an IUD?

12:45 Adam That's what I'm saying. What is that?

12:47 Will Sasso Well, let me answer your question.

12:48 Adam It's an intrauteral device.

12:50 Drew It's just this little 7-shape thing that slips into the uterus. And it looks like one of those new paperclips.

12:56 Will Sasso That's, I believe, a 7-togon.

12:58 Drew 7-togon or a copse.

12:58 Will Sasso Yeah, not a 7-shape thing.

12:59 Drew And they have progesterone and things on them that affect the way sperm gets to the egg and the way the egg implants. And they don't implant once it's been fertilized.

13:06 Adam Yeah.

13:06 Drew Yeah. There you go. Sounds easy to me. So, everybody that wants to attack the Mourney Abtville, please direct your attention somewhere that actually has a philosophically consistent problem.

13:15 Adam And so it stops the egg from attaching?

13:17 Drew Yes.

13:18 Adam And it's copper?

13:19 Drew Well, it used to be. I think they're progesterone.

13:21 Caller Progesterone? How is that different from a regular birth control pill?

13:27 Drew It doesn't get in your body. It acts right there on the uterus.

13:31 Caller Yeah.

13:31 Adam And is it good for as long as it's in?

13:34 Drew Yeah.

13:34 Adam But what about the hormone that it's laced with?

13:37 Drew I forget how often they come out about, what, every nine months or so? Is that right? I wouldn't...

13:41 Adam If they see their own shadow, that means it's going to be a long winter.

13:45 Drew What did you say, Jessica?

13:47 Caller Yeah, from what I read online, they have like five year long IUDs.

13:50 Drew Five years, huh?

13:51 Adam Five years. Yeah, they're size of bench vices, but they'll go five years.

13:55 Drew They'll rust you after a while.

13:56 Caller It's safe to keep something in your...

13:57 Adam We're in an anchor in you. Listen, here's the thing with the IUDs. I know this sounds crazy, but we're in such a litigious society, especially when it has to do with anything medical, we'll sue over stuff that isn't actually dangerous. Something that pulled off the market because it was dangerous and redesigned.

14:15 Drew It's gotta be super safe.

14:16 Adam It's gotta be super ultra safe. That's what I would think.

14:19 Drew That's an excellent way to think of it.

14:20 Adam So go ahead and use it.

14:22 Will Sasso Like the McRib.

14:23 Adam Yeah, like it was like the McRib.

14:24 Will Sasso And it came back.

14:25 Adam Yeah.

14:26 Drew I wanna sue the McRib.

14:27 Adam No, I'm that way about flying. I wanna fly the last plane that crashed, because I know they check the hell out of these things now. That's how I move. You know? I'm eating a McRib, I got my IUD in, and I'm in that Alaskan airliner that crashed in the Pacific. Perfect. That's how I roll, Drew.

14:44 Drew Smart. I know it.

14:45 Adam Smart. Yeah. All right. Erica? Yeah, where did, how long has the McRib been gone? Five years? Really?

14:55 Will Sasso Not that long. I haven't had it since the 80s, but.

14:59 Adam I haven't either. I get the feeling it's probably the same one. Probably from the same cow that was killed in 79.

15:05 Will Sasso I just saw it up in San Francisco, I think.

15:07 Drew They're bringing it back.

15:08 Adam No, I know they're back. I'm just, the question is, is what, how long was it gone? Because I think they went away for a while. I have a, I have trouble with meat that's formed like meat. Right. Once you break it down, it's got to become meatloaf or a patty. When you then try to shape it into a chicken, or drumstick or pig or something, now we got problems.

15:29 Will Sasso But chicken, you can form into anything, like stars or dinosaurs or animals.

15:33 Drew Oh, no. If you deep fry it, sure.

15:35 Adam If you deep fry it.

15:36 Will Sasso Chicken rules are different. There should be no respect for chickens at all.

15:39 Drew Chicken follows potato rules.

15:40 Will Sasso Yeah, chicken's a potato. It's a tuber.

15:42 Adam It does fall into the potato and okra and family. You're right, but yeah, beef is weird and pork is creepy.

15:50 Drew Forget it, forget it.

15:50 Adam Super. Just a Amityville horse.

15:53 Drew Immediately, I have a picture of Mr. Pig with the giant cleaver chasing Mr. Chicken.

15:57 Adam This is a mistake the Mexicans make, Will. When they open a butcher, butchery, a butcher shop, a house of butch, the point is that they have actually drawings of Mr. Pig with an anvil or an axe or something.

16:11 Drew A hatchet.

16:12 Adam A hatchet. He's chasing Mrs. Pig with a lipstick on. You know, she's wearing a bonnet. I don't like to look at the things I eat as actual folks I might see in church.

16:23 I don't want them to have names.

16:24 Adam I don't want to get too cozy with them. You know what I mean?

16:27 Drew Yeah, for sure.

16:28 Adam It's like when I was in country, I didn't want to have the name anyone would have.

16:30 Drew We don't want to also form into anything that might remind us of anything. Yeah. The pig just stays shredded.

16:36 Adam The general concept of eating your buddies, like when the Shrek cereal comes out, is kind of a weird one for kids. If you think I'm going to eat you, I'm going to pulverize you with my incisors and then I'll crap you right into the toilet. What do you think of that Shrek? You're my best buddy.

16:51 Drew That is our friend.

16:52 Adam Drew, what if adults aren't their best friends? I just start gnawing on you. And when I took a bite out of a Kimmel.

16:58 Drew Nice.

16:59 Adam You know what I'm saying? It wouldn't work, would it?

17:01 Drew No, not really.

17:02 Adam You should be eating things you don't like.

17:04 Drew The Kimmel-Os.

17:05 Adam The Kimmel-Os.

17:06 Drew When you actually have the Kimmel-Os, that'd be okay.

17:08 Adam Yeah. Little Jimmy simulating the hair on the back there. Yeah, the Kimmel-Os. All right. Erica, you're 21?

17:20 Caller Yes.

17:21 Adam What's up?

17:22 Caller Okay. First of all, I want to say that I love you guys. You guys are wonderful.

17:27 Caller Thank you.

17:28 Drew You're a lesbian.

17:29 Adam Drew, please.

17:29 Drew What's up, Erica? What's up?

17:31 Caller Please.

17:32 Caller I'm not a lesbian.

17:33 Drew I know.

17:33 Caller I know.

17:34 Drew What's up?

17:34 Caller Okay.

17:36 Caller Well, I have herpes and I wanted to know, like, is that going to give me any complications during when I decide to get pregnant?

17:45 Drew Probably not. There is much less made of that than we one time thought there might be.

17:50 Adam So you thought it was a bigger deal?

17:51 Drew I thought it was a bigger deal. And it looks like it's something that's pretty easy to take care of.

17:54 Adam Now, that's something you should eat. Herpes, breakfast, cereal.

17:57 Caller You know what I mean?

17:58 Adam Not your buddies. Herpes, bad things.

18:01 Drew Shredded herpes?

18:02 Adam Shredded herpes. Yeah, just a dusting of powdered sugar on them.

18:07 Drew Shredded herpes.

18:08 Adam Thank you. Erica? You're only 19, though. You don't need to get pregnant for a while.

18:12 Caller I'm 21.

18:14 Drew How long have you had herpes for?

18:15 Adam You should have eight kids by now.

18:17 Caller For like two years.

18:19 Drew We talked to a 19-year-old a couple of nights ago. Remember she was freaking out about finding out she had herpes? Remember that? Was it tough to deal with this? How's it been? Maybe she's still losing it.

18:28 Caller Well, actually, when I first found out, I was really upset and now that I have it, like it's not as bad as you think it is.

18:35 Drew You continue to just wear condoms? You wear condoms, you're careful with it?

18:40 Caller Yeah.

18:40 Drew It's always been my point, people freak out about this disease. We're talking about a skin rash, basically. It's like not that big of a deal.

18:45 Adam I know. Well, you know, we talked many years ago, it's the name, I think, that freaks everyone out.

18:50 Drew Yeah, if you wanted to switch it to Happies. Happies.

18:52 Adam They got Happies. Oh, good for you. Fantastic.

18:54 Drew I think maybe the serial names might even be better than Happies. A nice, happy, you know, it's like a happy serial name for it.

19:01 Adam Yeah, you mean like, yeah, you mean you give venereal diseases like serial names?

19:05 Drew Yeah, I mean just something-

19:06 Adam Cinnamon O's.

19:07 Drew Right.

19:07 Adam Yeah, that's good. Yeah, Drew, work on that. Please work on that.

19:12 Drew Herpes Pops.

19:13 Adam Will, don't work on that.

19:15 Will Sasso Honey Smacks, Froot Loops.

19:18 Adam You want to speak to Haley?

19:20 Drew Sure.

19:21 Adam Haley?

19:22 Caller Hi.

19:23 Adam 22?

19:24 Caller Yes.

19:25 Adam What's up?

19:27 Caller I've been fantasizing about winter, especially when I've been with my boyfriend.

19:31 Drew You're a lesbian. No, I'm not telling you that.

19:37 Adam Women are, you know, they're not, you know, women are sort of physically get lost.

19:42 Drew I'm just saying, that's the kind of stuff they're bombarded with these images too.

19:46 Adam I'm not talking, I brought my Playboy book in tonight, my book, a Playboy.

19:50 Will Sasso It's a lovely coffee table book. Yeah. I'm gonna ask you where I got that.

19:52 Adam It actually is the size of a coffee table.

19:54 Drew It's huge.

19:54 Adam It just needs legs.

19:55 Drew Five decades of centerfold, it says on it.

19:58 Adam Yeah.

19:58 Drew Anyway.

19:58 Adam Yeah.

20:00 Drew How'd you get the pace of a car? What were we talking about?

20:01 Adam No, well here's what we were talking about. Women being more flexible.

20:05 Drew Well, not just flexible, the image, the rousing image of women become sort of a sexualized image for everybody. Yeah. And by the way, I think, I've noticed that women sort of are aroused by seeing other women being aroused and enjoying themselves. Is that the kind of thing you think about, Haley? Yes. Yeah, it's not so much that they're thinking of the woman sexually. Michelle, bear this out for me. It's not just you're thinking about them as a sexual object that's desired the way a man would, but it's just sort of arousing to watch another woman enjoy herself having sex, that kind of thing. Michelle, give me a yes. You're a lesbian.

20:40 Adam Haley, so what do you, when you fantasize about these women, is it a certain woman?

20:47 Caller No.

20:47 Will Sasso Yeah, who is it?

20:49 Caller It's like nobody in particular.

20:50 Caller I don't think it's anybody I've ever seen in my life.

20:52 Adam Hold on a sec. God, this is what I love about women. Women are like, I had a dream last night. It was a fantasy. A man came in and he loved me. Who was he? Who was it? Brad Pitt? No, he didn't have a head.

21:04 Drew No face, no face.

21:05 Adam No face, no face.

21:07 Drew What did he look like?

21:07 Adam What, was he like a burn victim or something?

21:09 Caller No, no, it was no face.

21:10 Drew A cloud, he was like a cloud.

21:11 Adam You think it was like an old boyfriend or something?

21:13 No, I don't know who it was.

21:15 Adam I didn't know who he was. Well, what do you mean? He's not on TV or anything? No, it was just this sort of mystic orb came in. He didn't actually make contact with me.

21:25 It's like, what?

21:27 Adam What is this? You know what I mean?

21:30 Drew Yes.

21:31 Adam You don't even know the chick? You already picked someone?

21:34 Will Sasso Picked someone from TV.

21:35 Drew I'm going to Atlanta with them next week and we're gonna be putting men and women.

21:38 Adam There's rules to fantasizing.

21:40 Drew Yep. Men and women in functional MRI machines and showing them arousing images and see how their brains respond. Very interesting.

21:46 Adam Yeah. Who are you picking? Who's gonna go in there?

21:49 Drew They're already the guys, the researchers in Atlanta got them.

21:51 Adam You gotta show the straight guys gay stuff. Just see if you can catch one guy.

21:57 Drew Now, I was thinking about this. You were talking about, remember you've mentioned many times how when you're going through the pornographic material at a video store where you're going through the big top stuff that you like and then you hit the gay material and how that transition affects you viscerally.

22:12 Adam Well, first off, I can't talk about it because I have a couple of lawsuits.

22:16 Drew Yeah, yeah, for the drama of reporting those two.

22:20 Adam Yeah, I got the People vs. Lesek Shop. Adam Carolla and the People vs. Lesek Shop.

22:26 And then the Video Hanger.

22:27 Adam I want them to put Cone's up before you get to the gay stuff because, you know, like a Caltrans project or something.

22:34 It is too easy to wander into the gay stuff.

22:37 Adam You're walking, you got, here's the thing about, here's the thing when you're in the porn store. You can't be like a middle linebacker who's dropping back in the past coverage. You're gonna see somebody you know. You have to be very focused, very straight.

22:50 Drew It's like you're at the urinal, like you would.

22:51 Adam Yeah, same posture as at the urinal. You know, you're not swinging your head around. You're just straight looking. And it's weird once in a while you make contact with somebody. You never say, excuse me or sorry or watch it. And you just sort of slowly move around the guy. But that's it. And you walk down the shelf, which you know, 60 feet long and say, yeah, and you start getting into these things. You know, you get into it. You got the anal stuff. They start getting into big jug stuff. And you start getting into the gang bang stuff. And then, you know, and then also the amateur stuff and the amateur stuff. And then, well, well, it's right in the midget. The midget and the amateur stuff. And then, you start drifting into the gay stuff. But it has to register. It's like, yeah, it's like, whoa, look at those three dudes giving it to that chick real hard.

23:38 Oh, oh, oh, oh, God, Christ, oh.

23:42 Drew That reaction. That's what you have. That's the reaction I want to discuss. Because we have been sort of scrutinized for that as like, oh, you're not, how dare you. You react to male, male, male.

23:50 Adam People think that's homophobic.

23:51 Drew Yeah, that's homophobic. And how dare you say that men who are heterosexual react that way to gays. They don't react that way to heterosexual. But you know what I thought this morning, I thought to myself, you know what this reaction is? This is the same reaction you have when you think about your parents having sex. It's the exact same reaction.

24:08 Adam Oh, thank God. I'm picturing Will's parents.

24:10 Drew But am I right?

24:12 Will Sasso Yeah, it's my dad near death. But is it?

24:15 Oh, oh, oh.

24:16 Drew That's totally different. No, you can't. That's Reese's peanut butter cup.

24:21 Adam You can't get to my dad's ass and never leaves his sofa. You have to go in from under the sofa. You have to bore a hole in the sofa pillow.

24:29 Will Sasso My dad's got quite a set of tools.

24:31 Drew His receiving skills may be similar to yours, who knows? But be that as it may, isn't that interesting though? It's the same, that's the reaction.

24:38 Adam Yeah.

24:39 Drew That's the reaction.

24:40 Adam And I'll take it a step further, because, you know, like as if I'm pissed people off enough with needing the five grand off the eleven. I claim for the visceral reaction that straight men have to gay relations, there should be more gay bashing. There's not enough. For the reaction that guys have.

25:02 Drew But think about this way.

25:03 Adam I'm saying it's a little lie.

25:04 Drew I'm with you, but there's the same argument about the people with their parents thinking, well, what's the big deal? You're an adult. You can't get that out of your system.

25:14 Adam That's in you. I'm not saying gay bashing is a good thing. I'm saying I'm surprised it isn't all over the evening news every night, given most guys' reaction to gay love.

25:25 Drew But maybe that's where all the bashing historically has come from.

25:28 Adam Probably, yes.

25:30 Will Sasso I don't know about the parents having sex thing, because thinking of your own parents having sex, but your friend's parents having sex is like 180 the other way and just hilarious.

25:39 Drew No, I understand.

25:40 Will Sasso Not so much arousing, but the funniest thing.

25:43 Adam It's your own parents.

25:44 Will Sasso Yes. But talking to your friends about maybe their parents. Well, that's actually where your parents, maybe they're upstairs having sex.

25:51 Adam Well, that's just like them stepping in crap versus you stepping in crap. It's super funny when it happens.

25:56 Will Sasso So by that notion, then your friend involved in a gay gang bang is hysterically funny.

26:02 Adam It could be funny.

26:03 Will Sasso Yeah, that is, if you wandered in and you saw that on the cover of the book. It would be hilarious. I'm starting to get it.

26:10 Adam Yeah, you're looking at cult roundup and it's like, Rick? Oh, no, I would find that deeply disturbing. Deeply disturbing.

26:18 Drew But you'd laugh your ass off and show everybody you knew.

26:20 Adam I would laugh, but I'm fine. And I'm just saying straight guys find gay depictions of...

26:25 Drew But isn't that interesting though? But what, you know, the trick is to figure out what are those two things? And why are they the same reaction? It's very interesting when you really think about it.

26:34 Adam Yeah, no, I'm with you.

26:36 Drew And maybe there's something in it about those kinds of relationships. I don't know, I'm just thinking about it this morning. I'll figure it out.

26:42 Adam Well, I mean, the obvious answer is God didn't want guys to, you know, bang each other in the can and they certainly didn't want your parents to get it on. I'll tell you that. The Almighty did not want any of that happening.

26:54 Drew Well, thank you, Adam.

26:55 Adam All right, Will Sasso is here tonight from Less Than Perfect 930 ABC, Friday Night, TGIFriday. And what was I trying to change that to, Drew? TGF and Friday. Instead of TGIFriday, give it a little edge to it. TVF and Friday. Drew? I'm down. We will take ourselves a little break. We'll come back and speak to Michelle with a little Germany or Florida. Oh, it's Michael. Sorry. Michael for Germany or Florida. After this. Loveline.

27:28 Okay, wait, wait.

27:30 Caller My hair, my hair.

27:32 Adam We'll be right back. Yeah, it's Loveline. I'm not talking while the door is shutting anymore. junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior Producer Lauren, you gotta bring the stuff in before the mic's heated up.

28:02 Drew Alright.

28:04 Adam I don't know, has that ever come up on the show before?

28:06 Drew No, I've never heard you say anything about it.

28:08 Adam Has it come up?

28:08 Drew She, though, told me a very disturbing story before the show, before the mic's heated up, about how she had given, via normal, spontaneous, vaginal delivery, birth to her cocker spaniel, in great detail.

28:23 Caller junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior Producer Lauren thinks she gave birth to her cocker spaniel?

28:31 Drew Yeah.

28:32 Caller Wow.

28:33 Drew At Cedars, with the grandma present.

28:35 Caller Wow.

28:36 Drew Elaborate story that I find...

28:38 Adam Powerful.

28:38 Drew I found powerful and disturbing.

28:40 Adam Disturbing.

28:40 Caller Yeah.

28:41 Adam All right, listen, everyone in radio is a nut job, except for Drew. Will Sasso is here from Less Than Perfect, 930, ABC, part of the TGFF lineup. And now Will can be pretty much just seen in perpetuity on Mad TV, yes?

29:02 Will Sasso Yeah, on Comedy Central, 23 hours a day.

29:05 Adam That's it. Five seasons.

29:07 Will Sasso A half hour for Crank Yankers and a half hour for Chappelle and then the rest of the 23 hours.

29:12 Adam It's all Will. All right.

29:14 Drew There's some Nicole Sullivan in there. Nicole Sullivan and Will.

29:17 Adam That's it. When we left off, we're going to do a little Germany or Florida with Michael.

29:24 Caller Yeah. All right.

29:26 Adam Michael, what's happening, brother man?

29:29 Nothing. I just want to say, guys, I loved your show and Will, I love you on Mad TV.

29:34 Will Sasso Cheers, man. Thanks.

29:35 Thanks. All right. So I got a Germany or Florida for you guys.

29:38 Adam Will, here's how the game is played. He says the wacky story and we guess, is it Germany or Florida? Because all bizarre stories emanate from either Germany or Florida. Neat. Yeah. Michael?

29:51 Caller Yeah.

29:51 Adam Go ahead.

29:52 All right.

29:53 Caller A couple staying inside of a motel on February 10th, 1994, began to complain to the manager about a rancid smell in their room. They had been complaining for a few days until the couple gave up and began searching the room for the source of the smell. After maybe three hours of searching, they turned the bed over and discovered a rotting corpse in a secret compartment under the mattress. It turns out that the corpse had already reached the stage of advanced decomposition. Police discovered that the killer had hid the victim there and lived with it for over four weeks. There was another corpse that was discovered under the floorboards in the bathroom.

30:31 Adam The motel feels Floridian, but the stash in the body, living in the motel, living in the motel is Florida. That feels Florida. Floorboards feel Germany.

30:42 Caller Floorboards.

30:43 Drew He may be throwing that in there just to screw with us.

30:46 Adam No, you can't do that. It's against the Geneva convention, Florida and Germany. No, it's there.

30:52 Drew I gotta go to Florida. Florida?

30:54 Adam Well?

30:54 Drew It could be Germany, but I gotta go to Florida.

30:55 Will Sasso I don't know about the whole staying in a hotel in Florida thing. I would think that you'd be, you know.

31:00 Drew He said a motel.

31:02 Will Sasso Oh, yeah, there's plenty of motels.

31:05 Drew Oh, you mean the hookers you used to hang out with that you might accidentally...

31:08 Will Sasso Yeah, no, those were all high class hotel girls.

31:10 Drew Oh, I see.

31:14 Will Sasso I guess, I'm gonna have... Okay, I'll go with Florida.

31:18 Adam Wow. I was gonna go Florida too, but I had three Floridas, that's not good radio. I'm going Germany. Screw you. Yeah? I'm going Germany.

31:27 Caller You're going Germany?

31:28 Adam Yeah.

31:29 Caller Ready for the answer?

31:30 Will Sasso Yeah.

31:32 Drew Hang on a second.

31:33 Adam I love this kid's enthusiasm. By the way, he's 14. What's over under on him getting laid? 29?

31:39 Drew Yeah, I thought 28. But the other thing, the other thing against Florida is we would have heard of this if in Florida I would think.

31:44 Oh, that's a good point.

31:45 Adam Oh, but hold on. We say that all the time and we never do. They kill some runaway, some strung out hooker, some junkie hooker gets killed in Florida. You got it? What? X-Tree, X-Tree, hooker killed in Florida. What do you think? You think that's what goes on? You don't know anything, Drew. You don't even know, you don't even know Bush pardoned the turkey on the lawn of the White House. You're right. I told you. That's 48 years running.

32:09 Will Sasso I'm going to have to, you know, I think it could have been some frat prank or something during spring break, you know. Yeah, that would suggest Florida.

32:16 Adam Well, you're still Florida.

32:17 Will Sasso Put Stewie under the floorboards and see how long.

32:20 Adam You're still Florida.

32:21 Will Sasso I'm staying with Florida.

32:22 Adam All right, Michael, we're ready, buddy.

32:24 Caller All right, guys. Sorry, Adam. It's Florida.

32:26 Drew All right.

32:27 Adam Oh, yeah.

32:29 Drew That was an exciting game. Yeah. We need a little ranchero music to bring us around.

32:33 Adam Yeah.

32:34 Drew You think?

32:34 Adam Not yet, but soon. Michael?

32:36 Caller Yeah?

32:37 Adam Thank you for mocking me.

32:39 Caller Thanks for letting me come on the show, guys.

32:41 Adam All right there, brother man. He's good people at Michael. Big things out of him. But just don't expect any lady friends for a little while. That's all. He'll have a payday.

32:52 Drew Oh, yeah.

32:52 Adam He'll have a payday down the road.

32:54 Drew Oh, yeah. Big time.

32:55 Adam Gets a little older, gets the new frames for the glasses. Shoes are squared off on the front. And then it's payback time, by the way.

33:04 Drew No longer the curly things with the bells in the time.

33:06 Adam No. It's payback time with the ladies. So you know what I'm talking about? Guys got a lot of love stored up in a little anger. A little.

33:12 Caller A little anger.

33:13 Drew Yeah. Yeah, that's for sure.

33:16 Caller Jenny?

33:17 Adam Yes? Hold on. You know what I'd love? You know, here's the kind of society I want to live in. Like, once in a while, I just wish women could see the pictures of these guys when they were in high school.

33:28 Drew Just so they could realize who it is they're going after now.

33:30 Adam Super cool patrol. I was walking into, like, a coffee bean and tea leaf thing tonight. And I saw this guy sitting there and he's wearing this sort of smoked purple shades with no rims on him, you know? And he's got, like, the goatee and the earring and he's got the beanie pulled down nice and low. And he's wearing a suede jacket and some boots and he just, he just looked like, you know, Brad Pitt playing Joe Cool in some movie. And I thought, I'd love to see this puss in high school. I know he's wearing a Reds batting helmet, like a Belor Kennington shirt, you know? And women, they don't know. They don't see the transformation. They don't realize how goofy the guy was. And by the way, much like ice, much like vanilla ice, one minute you're wearing, you know, you're wearing MC Hammer's pants, and you got train tracks shaved in your eyebrows, and then all of a sudden you're full of tats, and you look like Fred Durst. These guys just change, they change with the wind. Women buy right into it. They should be penalizing these guys for this crap.

34:37 Will Sasso I think also along those lines, the new kid in school, the new boy, is usually the dork from another school. It could be part of the reason he left. But when he shows up with his mullet and his letterman jacket from the other school, he's automatically cool. Mostly because all the guys hate him immediately. All the chicks love him.

34:53 Drew Well because he's playing by his own rules.

34:55 Will Sasso Yeah, he's that guy.

34:56 Drew He just wants to be an individual.

34:58 Adam I'm just saying, think all the nerdy agents and managers and these Hollywood types, oh publicists, thank God they're all gay. But you see him over at William Morris and CAA, they've got the cool frames, they're wearing the black suits, they've got the $400 shoes and they're super slick, but you know, they were just like colossal nerds in high school, just pimply faced with bad rims and wearing like a yarmulke in the class every day, there was duct tape to their head, and the crap kicked down by everyone on the football team. And now, chicks think they're super cool. They're still the insecure nerd, they just, they're leasing, they're leasing a Mercedes. You girls shouldn't fall for this.

35:40 Drew This is all- Well, nor should they fall for the brooding guy wearing black with the safety pins through his nose when he's 18.

35:46 Adam Same jackass. You girls should be looking at guys' high school pictures. That's how you decide who the real McCoy is, yes?

35:53 Drew Yeah, the boring middle guys.

35:55 Adam That's right, that's right.

35:56 Drew Which, by the way, were neither of us. We were ex-super nerdy.

36:00 Adam No, super nerdy. I was a rebel. I actually rode a motorcycle in, not to school, but into the class.

36:07 Drew Nice.

36:07 Adam I actually sat on my bike. Just arms crossed. In the back. Running. With it running.

36:14 Drew These are his teachers yelling over the motorcycle.

36:16 Adam I would call the teacher Daddy O. And I would do this Squaresville thing a lot with them. And I'd announce I'm out of here all the time. I just, wherever I was, I'm out of here. Yeah, but you just left and came over here.

36:29 Caller I'm going back.

36:30 Adam That's what I do. I just go back and forth one side of the hall.

36:33 I'm out of here. I'm out of here.

36:36 Adam That's what I do. I announce I'm out of here. Fire up the bike. Pow. Right down the hall. Leather Jack. I was like Fonzie. Oh, maybe that is Fonzie, I'm thinking.

36:45 Drew Oh yeah.

36:45 Adam That's right. That wasn't me. That's fine. That was the episode of Happy Days.

36:48 Drew Okay.

36:48 Will Sasso He wore his Yarmulke in high school.

36:50 Adam That's right. I didn't get laid.

36:51 Drew Jenny, 27. Jenny?

36:55 Adam Jenny?

36:56 Drew Yeah, you're on now. Adam will not hang up on you this time.

36:59 Adam Oh, what? I do that last time?

37:00 Will Sasso Yes.

37:01 Adam What's up?

37:02 I just first want to say you guys are awesome. I hope you never stop doing what you're doing.

37:06 Adam Thank you. You should see me in high school, man.

37:09 Drew Riding a motorcycle down the hall.

37:11 Adam I gotta get out of here.

37:12 Drew Jenny, what's up?

37:13 Adam This sucks. I'm blowing.

37:14 What's up? I have a quick question. Every once in a while when I have an orgasm, I get this insane headache, like really, and then it goes away like after a half hour. But it only happens once in a while, and I want you to know if it was something I seriously learned about.

37:32 Drew Do you have a history of migraines?

37:34 No.

37:34 Drew Migraines in your family?

37:36 No. I mean, I get headaches, but I don't think like the clinical, I've never been diagnosed with migraines or anything.

37:43 Drew And no one in your family ever has either?

37:45 Not that I know of, no.

37:46 Adam We haven't had this one in a while.

37:48 Drew We have in a while, yeah. But the fact is it's a fairly common experience of this sort of post-orgasm headache or during orgasm headaches. I don't understand them very well. I believe there's a migraines component to them. It's something always to get looked into because it can be signs of other things, but the probability is it's just one of these common problems that's just unpleasant. I've never treated this, but I wouldn't be surprised if neurologists might be using the anti-migraines medication to help you with this.

38:14 You said it's something that I should look into.

38:16 Drew I would just because it could be something a little more serious, and it's important to get it checked out. Think of the aneurysms and things like that, the occasional.

38:25 Adam Once in a while in high school I'd rumble, you know, with the Mexicans, and they'd pull a knife and I'd go, do it!

38:32 Do it!

38:33 Adam I'd beg them to stab me. You don't get the guts! And then one of them stabbed me in the ass. So I stopped.

38:39 Drew Stopped rumbling?

38:40 Adam And I went over there. I said, I'm out of here.

38:43 Drew Then you decided to ramble.

38:44 Adam You went from rumbling to rambling. And then after high school I became a rambling man, but I had a small rambling range. It was just about, it was about half a block.

38:54 Drew In North Hollywood?

38:54 Adam Yeah, I said, I gotta ramble over the other end of the street. Sorry, baby. I'd love to stay and love you, but I gotta ramble down to where the cul-de-sac is. You'll probably see me from your place. And then I would ramble back. A very tight rambling territory. And again, wouldn't ramble at first sun. I'd ramble about one in the afternoon.

39:15 Will Sasso That's a great thing about rambling, though. There's no rules for rambling how far.

39:18 Adam That's the whole thing. That's right. And it's like...

39:20 Will Sasso That's what makes a rambler a rambler.

39:22 Adam It'd be like, where are you going? I'd be like, I don't know.

39:24 Will Sasso Good.

39:24 Adam I don't know. That's the thing about rambling. No rambling guy goes, get on the 405 South, and I take that to the 110 Harbor Shave. Then what I do is I get on the sloths and cut off right there, and then I'll get off on exposition. I'll take that about three miles down. Now that's not how you ramble. You just head toward the sun. You ride, you gotta head into the sun. Then you go, it's a good shot. Get on that bike and ramble into the sun. You don't give like long-winded, you don't like MapQuest, you're rambling. That's not for rambling. You don't know where you're going. And listen, I can't tell my ladies where I'm rambling because I don't want them to like post ramble. I need them to ramble after me. Because I'll be giving some other, check my rambling speech, when the other one interrupts with, oh, you didn't ramble that far. Hey, he rambled on it. And I'll be like, oh, this is uncomfortable. Now I really have to ramble. That's gonna be my next song, Drew.

40:22 Drew Now I really have to ramble?

40:23 Adam Yeah, like before, I was a rambling guy. Now I'm really a rambling guy. You know what I mean?

40:29 Will Sasso Lord, I was born really honestly a rambling guy.

40:32 Adam Really having to ramble now. Yeah, seriously rambling guy. And Drew, we decided that black guys don't ramble, but the roll, the rolling stones. A black man who's a rambler is a rolling stone. Rolling stone, yeah. It's a form of rambling.

40:47 Drew But it has a cultural context.

40:50 Adam Yeah, you need a horse or a motorcycle to ramble. The black guys drive custom vans. You know, that's more of a rolling stone. You know what I'm saying? Okay, Drew, we got that straightened out?

41:00 Drew Yeah, let's take a break.

41:01 Adam Black guy, custom van, rolling stone. White guy, motorcycle ramble. Where are the Mexicans? They hang out.

41:08 Drew They roll a little bit.

41:09 Adam They do a little rambling and a little rolling. But they do it with a group of guys. It's a group ramble. Yeah?

41:18 Drew It's not a rolling stone.

41:19 Adam It's a sack of gravel. You know what I'm saying?

41:22 Drew Let's us roll. Let us roll.

41:23 Adam Should we ramble?

41:25 Drew Let's ramble.

41:25 Adam To the bathroom?

41:26 Drew Mm-hmm.

41:27 Adam All right. We will take a little break. Will Sasso here tonight from Less Than Perfect 930 ABC. We'll be right back after this.

41:41 Drew Please hold.

41:54 Adam Yeah, you guys are lucky because I was this close to rambling during that commercial, Drew.

42:00 Will Sasso He said, I'm gonna stick around.

42:02 Adam Yeah, but I was like, man, I may ramble. And don't get me wrong, I love everybody here.

42:08 Drew But.

42:08 Adam But.

42:09 Drew You're a rambling man.

42:10 Adam Rambling, you have to ramble. But I probably get like an ISDN line set up in a Zephyr and just broadcast wherever I ramble from.

42:17 Drew Okay.

42:19 Adam Will Sasso's here tonight, Lesson Perfect, Name of His Show.

42:23 Caller ABC.

42:23 Drew I think I should be an imposer rambling.

42:26 Caller You don't?

42:26 Drew Because if you actually made a plan and actually responsible. That's shambling.

42:32 Adam You're saying you can't plan a ramble?

42:33 Drew Not just planning, but you're actually being responsible when you ramble. And that's poser.

42:38 Adam Well, I just I got broadcast to do. I'm saying I'm going to need an ISDN line. If I'm rambling, I'll do, you know, set it up at a sports bar and broadcast from there. But I still get to ramble.

42:48 Drew I'm just saying.

42:48 Adam OK, maybe a point. Maybe I won't. They will run the best of when I ramble. Oh, I shouldn't even think of that. That's up to you guys. You see what you want to do, man. I'm rambling. It's not my choice.

42:59 Will Sasso I think we'll have a break, though. You should announce that you're out of here.

43:02 Adam Yeah, I think I will announce that. What are we up to? We still $11,000 with the like, again, really, actually, that's that's that's a net. I mean, the gross $11,000, the net's gonna be $6,000.

43:16 Drew It's Tom Burbine. Get your name posted if you...

43:20 Adam Who is this Tom Burbine?...

43:22 Drew put up an insane amount of money. Apparently, he's from Boston. They've talked to him to make sure he's a real guy that has the money.

43:27 Adam And he's gonna fly his ass out here and sit with us? Do you...

43:32 Drew I know. I'm guilty. I'm angry. I'm ashamed.

43:36 Adam I am going to treat this man like a king and then ramble. Yeah, but I may ramble and get him some like honey roasted nuts or something and come ramble back.

43:45 Will Sasso You may not even have to come here. I mean, you may ramble all the way to Boston. There's no rules.

43:49 Adam You don't know. It depends which way the wind's blowing.

43:51 Will Sasso Yeah.

43:52 Adam Yeah.

43:53 Will Sasso You could be there tomorrow.

43:53 Adam No, seriously. I have a sale.

43:55 Will Sasso You could be over. You could be in Chicago eating bacon and eggs with gangsters by this time tomorrow. No one knows where you'll be.

44:00 Adam Yeah, that's a marambler. Drew, you ready to go to the phones?

44:03 Drew Please.

44:04 Adam All right. Chris.

44:06 Caller Hello. Chris Ann.

44:09 Drew Chris Ann, what's up?

44:12 Adam I'm just going with Chris.

44:13 Caller Last night, I was having sex with my...

44:16 Drew No, no, no.

44:17 Adam I have a... I don't... Chris Ann, kiss my ass. I said Chris. What do we engage?

44:23 Drew For all we know, it could be some crazy spelling where it's, you know, like chrysanthemum or something.

44:27 Adam All right. But that's our only out.

44:29 Drew Okay.

44:30 Adam Chris, how do you spell your name?

44:32 Caller Chris, K-R-I-S-A-N-N-E.

44:38 Adam It's one word?

44:39 Caller Yeah. Yep.

44:42 Drew So they're Mr. Rambling.

44:44 Adam All right. All right. All right. I still hate your parents, but it's not your fault.

44:47 Drew What's going on?

44:48 Adam Go ahead.

44:50 Caller Last night, I was having sex with my boyfriend and while he was still in me, I was sitting on his lap and I fell backwards.

44:58 Caller Crack.

45:00 Caller I fell backwards. He started like crying like he was in pain, not crying. But he's like, I think something popped. And I don't know if I broke his penis or not. Yeah.

45:12 Adam That's why he should have rambled moments before you broke his penis.

45:15 Drew Yeah, that's the time to ramble your down. But now that's actually a, what he does is tear the ligament there that holds the pain, suspensory ligament.

45:21 Adam It can pop too and not actually tear anything.

45:24 Drew It can pop like a knuckle. It can crack.

45:26 Caller Yeah.

45:26 Drew And you can also tear that ligament there, that suspensory ligament.

45:29 Caller Yeah.

45:30 Drew And it's not a big deal. It gets a little better.

45:35 Adam How will you know if it's F'd up?

45:37 Drew The penis won't have the nice 45 degree angle anymore.

45:40 Will Sasso It doesn't come up. It just goes very nice.

45:42 Drew It will hang down.

45:43 Caller He was able to get it up today when I was with him.

45:46 Drew And that's fine. But he probably didn't. There is actually a fracture of the penis itself.

45:51 Adam Why don't you give his penis like a little time out, for Sam?

45:54 Caller I know. I didn't.

45:56 Drew Why give a show? He was the one that was traumatized. Why shouldn't?

45:59 Adam I'm just saying the guy's got a bad wheel once you sit him out of game. Playoffs are coming up.

46:05 Caller I didn't know I was going to leave him alone because I don't want to hurt him, but...

46:09 Adam Although you tell that to a 16-year-old, that gives him a boner. Drew, when you're 16, you're just like, I think we're going to take a day off. I wouldn't want to.

46:17 Drew No, no. I need to leave you alone. Yeah.

46:20 Adam Here's what it sounds like. Say it to me.

46:22 Drew Honey, I don't want to hurt you. I'm going to have to leave you alone. Oh, that felt good.

46:28 Well, we said, that was good.

46:33 Adam Do you want to go for a round too? You can't tell a six-year-old guy who's getting laid that you got to leave him alone sexually.

46:44 Drew All right, Chris Ann, here's the deal. You can actually fracture the penis itself. The shaft can be broken. And I've actually talked to Dr. Alter about this because we are trying to get, listen, I actually am putting out a plea. We need to talk to a male who's actually had his penis fractured for this Discovery Health program I'm working on.

46:59 Adam Like had it slammed in a cab door or something?

47:01 Drew Where it actually, the actual, the camera's body fractures and what you get is these big, big hematomas in them and they don't get erected. Yeah, so they have to be repaired surgically after that.

47:09 Adam Sure.

47:09 Drew Yeah. All right, that's not the tearing of the suspensory.

47:12 Adam No, but he wouldn't have been able to do it the following day if he'd torn that.

47:16 Drew No, no, no, it's just the ligament tearing. It's a big deal.

47:18 Adam And it's not even necessarily tearing. It could be just popping.

47:21 Drew Yes, right.

47:22 Caller I wanted to take him to the doctor, but he's scared his parents will find out and everything. And I'm just like, well, it's broken.

47:27 Drew Well, the parents can't find out. Yeah, you should take him. The parents can't find out. It's against the law for the doctor to share any information with the parents.

47:35 Caller OK, but can it just get better on its own?

47:39 Drew Like I said, it's one of these things. It gets a little better, but it usually just hangs a little differently.

47:45 Caller Like in a couple of days?

47:48 Drew No, it doesn't change. It doesn't harm it. It doesn't change it though. It's what they cut to the Lincoln guy's penises. Some people get it actually.

47:58 Adam Is there any discoloration or swelling?

48:01 Caller No, I asked him if it's like a different color. He's like, well, it's a little bit more red. And I'm like, well, hey.

48:08 Drew Six year olds don't do this assessments like this. Take him to the doctor.

48:10 Adam Let him know. All right. How old is he? Well, he's 49 now.

48:13 Drew Okay.

48:15 Adam He's thrice divorced. How old is this guy? 17.

48:22 Drew Perfect.

48:22 Adam All right. You got to use birth control because you guys get it on like 28 times a week.

48:27 Drew What are you doing for birth control?

48:29 Caller I'm sorry.

48:31 Drew What are you using for birth control?

48:34 Caller Condoms.

48:36 Drew I might want to look into something. That's great and all, but you should at least keep the morning after pill around because condoms don't work.

48:41 Adam You're going to 800 bucks worth of condoms a week when you're in high school. That's a lot of papers you got to deliver. You got to move a lot of grit.

48:49 Caller Yeah.

48:50 Adam All right, baby doll.

48:51 Caller Take care. Thank you.

48:53 Adam That was like a 16-year-old girl who liked sex. You don't meet them so often.

48:58 Drew You want to see if she's orgasmic, that kind of thing, or no?

49:01 Adam All right. It's creepy, but I'll go for it. Chrisanne? Gone. She's on top of the guy. Yeah, but you know...

49:09 Drew Most traditional girls, sex is like, now they're here, now they're there for them. It's like, he likes it, I'll do it for him.

49:14 Adam They like the part about being desired, and yeah, the intimacy, and all the sort of relationship stuff, but you know, that's all... Here's the thing, I mean, here's the reality. All the cuddling, hand-holding, and all this kind of stuff, pending for your thoughts, stuff that the guys do, is just a road to get to the sex, and the sex is just a sort of necessary evil for all that stuff for the women.

49:40 Drew In order to get all the other stuff.

49:41 Adam In order to get all their stuff. That's why when the guys slide into their comfort zone eight months into the relationship, and it just becomes about sex, the chick's pissed off, because you've now trimmed all the fat, but to her, that was her favorite part of the meat.

49:55 Drew That was the reason for the relationship. You struggle close to home there for a while, and you're like, oh, I'm uncomfortable.

50:01 Will Sasso I'm understanding younger women.

50:04 Adam I would say that maybe more than ever. I don't know why I say more than ever, but I think there's more 16-year-olds out there than you're willing to admit, Drew, that just kind of dig it. They're into it. Girls? There'll be animals at 22, and you have to take a hose to them at 35.

50:24 Drew Listen, we talked a lot of 16-year-olds, and this was one that was kind of into it, and it felt reasonable. It was no big deal. We never talked to that person.

50:32 Adam But they don't call the show. We get the screwed up ones calling the show.

50:35 Drew Maybe.

50:35 Adam I think there's a fair, like looking back in high school and stuff like, there's a fair amount. I never got any of them, but there was a fair amount of chicks that had their boy, you know, like getting it on.

50:44 Drew That's what your perception of was. Again, when I go to colleges, there's all kinds of confusion. They really are mostly sort of, eh.

50:51 Adam Yeah. You got to bang a couple hundred chicks before you find one that gets into it. I'm with you. Now, I've been, Drew and I do go to those colleges. Like you got to go through a whole sorority house before you find one that's, you know, not fake in the O. I'm with you, buddy. I'm with you. We'll take a little break. Will Sasso here tonight. Will had no idea what to make of that last exchange. He's like, I thought he was married. Well, whatever. Lesson perfect. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. What, you want me to drop Trowell? I'll drop Trowell.

52:31 Drew I will drop Trowell.

52:36 Adam I will drop Trowell.

52:37 Drew We'll watch it, he's wild.

52:42 Adam I like the morning DJ gets a little, gets a lot of hand.

52:45 I will drop Trowell, I will lube up my joint, I'll put it in your ear, and I will reach climax.

52:53 Adam Eight, 29, 29, the homoerotic DJ that crosses the line every once in a while, but does it quickly, and he gives a time out every time, right when he gets to that point where he's gonna get fired, yeah, sir?

53:07 Drew Right, right, or the traffic.

53:09 Adam Let me tell you how, you know how I like to get pre-miserable? Like I like to start thinking about what I have to do Monday on Friday.

53:17 Drew I think you were talking about when the Super Bowl ends.

53:20 Adam Oh, yeah, why did you bring that up?

53:22 Drew The day after the Super Bowl.

53:23 Adam Oh, it's weird.

53:24 Will Sasso No hockey, we gotta watch basketball.

53:26 Adam It's such a letdown. It's like, that feeling, you know, as the Super Bowl party is breaking up, it's really bad when it's a bad game and it's sort of over midway through the third quarter and it's like you already start, you see the chicks are busting the chips already, like things are, and it's like, this is it.

53:44 Will Sasso Last year with Carolina as an expansion team, it just doesn't even feel like a real show.

53:48 Adam Oh, right.

53:48 Will Sasso What is that?

53:49 Adam No, that's another thing.

53:51 Will Sasso Yeah.

53:51 Adam You want it to be, you know, Dallas, Pittsburgh sort of thing. You don't want to be a couple of guys here. Oh, well the guys were in the fuchsia and the magenta, the teal guys in the cobalt. Yeah. And then the guy with just a black fist on their helmet, that team, screw YD, those guys, it's like, what? This looks like Canadians at best, maybe Arena League stuff.

54:16 Drew It does look like Arena football, doesn't it? Yeah, good, good.

54:19 Adam What's with the teal? And here's what I'm sure they did. They talked to a bunch of retarded 15 year olds and said, what's your favorite color?

54:26 Caller And they're like, teal.

54:27 Adam And they're like, all right, let's make every expansion team put a teal on it.

54:30 Drew Well, they're trying to do what the NBA did, basically. I mean, wow.

54:32 Will Sasso Make everything teal. I heard a fashion, sort of some fashion dude or something, covering, they were doing a sports thing about uniforms, best and worst uniforms, and this guy stuck up for Jacksonville Jaguars uniforms, which are some of the ugliest. They're ridiculous, and he said in 10, 15 years, we're going to look back and they're going to be classic.

54:50 Adam No, here's what I think you do, especially when you enter the league, when you're an expansion team, instead of going, hey, everyone, look at me, I'm new, I'm bold, I'm an arena team, you should go old school, you should do a sort of a Coltsy kind of thing, just two colors, white, and that way, you sort of slip in under the radar. It's like, you know what it's like?

55:10 Drew No, I think it's like leather helmets.

55:12 Adam That's that. I was gonna, I wrote that. See, what's that word? You actually go back.

55:18 Drew Yes, all the way back. No face guards, leather helmets.

55:20 Adam And all white guys. Undersized, fat white guys.

55:23 Drew You've gone too far. Forget it.

55:26 Adam I don't care if you're competitive. I mean old school.

55:29 Will Sasso Art Donovan. Bring him back.

55:30 Adam Art Donovan, high top, black cleats, and no face mask.

55:34 Drew Jerry Kramer.

55:35 Adam That's right.

55:36 Will Sasso If I ever had a franchise, they would be purple and brown. Those would be the colors. Just the two colors that don't go together.

55:42 Adam Yeah, they really don't.

55:43 Will Sasso Helmets have to be white. You get a logo or a stripe, but you don't get both.

55:48 Drew Maybe green numbers.

55:50 Adam Yeah, and the stripe doesn't continue into the pants. Not wide, at least. It can be a thin one.

55:55 Will Sasso And cougar cats.

55:57 Adam Yeah, and you should pick a good animal.

56:00 Will Sasso I agree. And it has to be an animal. Have you noticed in the NFL, all the teams end with an S. There's no heat in the NBA.

56:07 Drew Because they're a pack of animals.

56:09 Will Sasso Yeah, everything has to be a something. Vikings.

56:11 Drew Cowboys.

56:13 Adam And underutilized, let me tell you, underutilized in NFL and sports in general, the hippos. Hippo, dangerous animal.

56:22 Drew No rhinoceros.

56:22 Adam Hippos and rhinos. Hippos kill more people than snakes and bullets and spears and aids all combined in Africa. You didn't know that, Drew?

56:32 Drew I know hippos are dangerous.

56:32 Adam Hippos are maniacs. So they'd like you to believe they're friendly, lovable animals who like wear tutus and dance around, but they're vicious, vile beasts. They really are, and they're heavy. You know what I mean? You got a hippo.

56:46 Drew Yeah, you hit the hippo, you know it.

56:47 Adam You got a hippo. Drew, write this down, by the way. Disney movie where I get a hippo to play nose tackle, okay?

56:55 Drew And there's a scene where the referee opens the rule book.

56:58 Adam And I say, you show me in that rule book where it says a hippo can't play.

57:03 Caller And he looks at me and he's like, play ball!

57:05 Drew It's not in the rule book.

57:06 Caller It's not in the rule book.

57:07 Adam There you go.

57:09 Caller All right.

57:09 Will Sasso I think it's been done. It's been made.

57:11 Adam They used a mule.

57:13 Will Sasso Oh, that's right. There was a mule.

57:14 Adam It was a long time ago when it kicked field goals.

57:16 Will Sasso Yeah.

57:17 Adam And by the way, that's my pitch to the Disney company. You realize how much money you guys made over the mule that kicked field goals? You're telling me the hippo that plays nose tackle is farther fetched than this? Please.

57:28 Will Sasso Hip O for 10 would be the name of the, and it's an underdog story.

57:32 Adam Yeah, it's an underdog story.

57:34 Will Sasso Right. First year they go O and 10 with their hippo kicker.

57:37 Adam No, no, he's nose tackle.

57:39 Will Sasso Oh, he's a nose tackle. They go O for 10 because they have a hippo nose tackle.

57:42 Adam Yeah, and the mule kicks field goals.

57:44 Will Sasso And the mule kicks field goals.

57:45 Adam Right.

57:45 Will Sasso Then, yeah. And there's...

57:47 Adam Yeah. Well, we dust off Jan Michael Vinson, sober him up. This is a big comeback film for him.

57:53 Drew Meg, 20, Meg.

57:53 Adam He can still move, that kid.

57:55 Caller I'll tell you what.

57:56 Adam You still got legs.

57:58 Drew Yeah. He's busy rambling now. Meg. Hey, what's going on there?

58:02 Adam Yeah. I am... I think Jan may ramble in place. I think his legs move and his arms move, but it doesn't go anywhere. Go ahead, Meg. Sorry.

58:10 Drew Is it his elliptical rambler?

58:11 Adam Yeah.

58:14 Caller It's okay. I had my first sonogram today.

58:17 Drew Yeah.

58:17 Caller And they said that my cervix should be three centimeters and it's only like 2.3.

58:24 Drew How far... you're pregnant?

58:25 Caller Yeah, I'm pregnant, yeah.

58:26 Drew How far along are you?

58:27 Caller I'll be four months... Yeah, four months tomorrow, 16 weeks.

58:31 Drew Okay.

58:31 Adam Drew, how many millimeters in a centimeter? Is it 10 or what?

58:36 Drew Yeah, 10.

58:36 Adam 100 or 10? 10. So two and a half centimeters is like an inch.

58:42 Drew Yeah.

58:42 Adam Okay. All right.

58:44 Drew And what's your question?

58:46 Caller She said that it could cause complications and I asked her what and she said she's not a doctor. She just gives ultrasounds. So what complications could that cause?

58:55 Drew I think what they're referring to, I'm not an obstetrician, but I think what they're referring to is issues of what's called cervical competency. That the service can't hold the pregnancy and they can do something called a sirclage procedure where they actually kind of sew it up to keep it together. And are you going to see your obstetrician?

59:13 Caller Yeah, I have an appointment at the beginning of February.

59:16 Drew Yeah.

59:17 Adam So what was it supposed to be at this stage?

59:20 Caller Three centimeters.

59:21 Drew And it's two something.

59:22 Adam And it's two something? Well, it's smaller than it was supposed to be, though, right?

59:27 Caller Yeah.

59:28 Drew You mean the, you're talking about, you saw this from the ultrasound?

59:32 Caller Yeah, she measured my cervix from the ultrasound.

59:34 Drew And was it a vaginal ultrasound?

59:37 Caller First, it was just the stomach. And then she used this probe-like thing, was like a dildo with a condom on it, pretty much, with a camera on the end of it.

59:45 Adam Yeah, I think that'd be the vaginal one.

59:46 Drew That'd be your vagina they were putting that into, yes.

59:48 Will Sasso That's the medical term for it, isn't it?

59:49 Drew Yeah, that's right, vaginal.

59:50 Will Sasso Dildo with a camera on it?

59:51 Drew Yeah, that's, you know, it's.

59:52 Adam Mm-hmm, that's nice. And is it really a condom?

59:58 Drew Yeah, they put a condom on it, yeah.

1:00:00 Adam Ribbed?

1:00:00 Drew No, a lubricated condom.

1:00:02 Adam It's not a rib, why not? Why does it have to be such a horrible experience?

1:00:06 Drew Yeah. So, again, Meg, I'm not quite sure what they're talking about, the length of the cervix or the opening of the cervix. If there's a problem in the cervix in the second, how far along are you again?

1:00:19 Caller I'm 16 weeks.

1:00:20 Drew Yeah, and that second trimester is when the cervical issues emerge, so that's what they need to look into. There can be bleeding, there can be problems with the function of the placenta, and then there can be premature.

1:00:30 Adam Drew, can we just, at least for me, get chicks used to saying months even if they gotta whack it up? You know, three and a half months, four months, five months.

1:00:39 Drew Trimester.

1:00:39 Adam Let's always do that.

1:00:40 Caller How far?

1:00:41 Adam I'm 23 weeks. I'm like, that's seven years. Seven years?

1:00:45 Caller Eight years.

1:00:46 Adam Seven or eight years. Seven or eight? And by the way, drop it with the kids, too. I don't need that. I don't need the 13 months.

1:00:54 Will Sasso That's right.

1:00:55 Adam You start with weeks. I don't need that either. Tell me when the kid hits one and then we won't talk those two.

1:01:00 Will Sasso I don't need that.

1:01:01 Adam He's, oh yeah, he's 86 weeks. I'm like, so he's in college or is he retired? He's got kids then, right? Shouldn't have kids.

1:01:09 Drew Usually you go, you go weeks until they're about four months. And then you go months until they're a year and a half. And then there you go.

1:01:17 Adam And you know what I don't want? I don't want the middle name either. This is Chris Ann Tyler Melody Johnson. Humophiliac. Humophiliac. Sometimes. I'm just saying I don't need the six. Just say the first name. I know your last name. I'll do that math. I don't need, you know what I mean? I don't need to put your name. I've known you for a while, right? And I don't need the weeks. I just need the year, first name. Actually, first letter in the year. So you go like 2K. And that's it. No more talking. Yes?

1:01:50 Drew Till next year.

1:01:51 Adam Yeah, because you know what I have to do?

1:01:53 Drew Don't do it.

1:01:54 Adam Rumble. Oh, right. It will be rambling. You start getting into weeks. I will ramble.

1:01:59 Drew We'll see. Will thought you were going to drop Trow.

1:02:00 Adam I might drop Trow. I'll drop Trow. Tell you what, I'll drop Trow. I will drop Trow. I will use a water soluble lube of my erect penis and I will insert it into your nether region. 829.29 to 8 o'clock, the traffic weather coming up. The fleetingly gay morning show host. Yes.

1:02:22 Caller All right.

1:02:23 Adam Jennifer.

1:02:24 Caller Hi.

1:02:25 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

1:02:26 Caller They ever drop Trow and stick it in a guy. Jennifer, just get her out of here, stick it in a guy. 31.30 to 8 o'clock.

1:02:33 Adam Locking yada, checking in at 49.

1:02:36 Really?

1:02:37 Adam Weather and traffic coming up, top of the hour. Go ahead, Jennifer.

1:02:41 Okay, I have a nice Germany or Florida for you.

1:02:43 Adam All right.

1:02:44 Okay. According to a court transcript, a convicted rapist was turned down for parole this past year. He only offered an excuse for his crime.

1:02:51 Drew I'm a rapist.

1:02:52 Adam True. Let her finish, please. Go ahead.

1:02:55 Drew Sorry.

1:02:55 He had only raped the elderly woman that was in a near coma because he had said that he had read in a medical book that the sensation of pregnancy could snap a woman out of a coma and was only trying to help. German Year, Florida.

1:03:06 Caller Wow.

1:03:06 Drew What do you think?

1:03:09 Caller Wow.

1:03:10 Drew I'm thinking Germany.

1:03:11 Adam Why did he pull out if that was what he was trying to accomplish? Right.

1:03:15 Will Sasso Interesting point.

1:03:17 Adam By the way, that's got to be great. You're in the joint and it's like, what happened? What are you in for? I got 11 years in the mandatory minimum for selling a couple of tabs at a fish concert. What are you in for? I got six years for raping an elderly woman in a coma.

1:03:37 Drew Trying to get pregnant. Trying to impregnate.

1:03:38 Adam Fantastic. But really, that's probably how it is. That's nice.

1:03:44 Drew All right, Jennifer. So I'm kind of leading to a journey because I think in Florida, I just think there would have been a huge reaction to that kind of thing.

1:03:52 Adam Really, you say that, but then you're right every time. I can already think that.

1:03:57 Will Sasso I'm going to say it's Germany just because, as per our conversation earlier about genres of porn, I think that's a German genre of porn.

1:04:04 Adam Yeah.

1:04:04 Will Sasso Oh, is that right? Yeah, mature coma.

1:04:07 Adam And it's considered mainstream in Germany. Yeah, unacceptable.

1:04:12 Will Sasso They got it on before, like, there's-

1:04:15 Adam Boutiques, it's all over the place.

1:04:16 Will Sasso It's on television.

1:04:17 Adam No, it's prime time. Yeah, it's actually woven into children's books and things like that.

1:04:21 Drew I think in Florida, there would have been, there would have been more of this story about how the hospital was shut down and multiple people sued and-

1:04:28 Adam So you're going to Germany?

1:04:28 Drew I'm going to Germany.

1:04:29 Adam You're going to Germany?

1:04:30 Drew Yeah.

1:04:31 Adam I believe they watch their coma victims more closely in Germany. I believe it's that kind of society. And Drew, you know-

1:04:39 Drew They watch them on camera.

1:04:40 Adam As you know, as a doctor, and you know from watching a lot of TV movies and stuff, you have to go in and talk to people when they're in a coma.

1:04:47 Drew Oh, yes, of course.

1:04:47 Adam Right. Jennifer, these two are going Germany. I'm going Florida, just because I'm that kind of man. I'm trying to build a little tension into the show.

1:04:57 Caller What do you got? You all ready?

1:05:00 Okay. It's Germany.

1:05:01 Caller Yeah.

1:05:04 Drew Two for two tonight.

1:05:05 Adam So easy for you.

1:05:07 Will Sasso Yeah, Jennifer, thank you.

1:05:09 Adam Yeah, it's a Germany thing.

1:05:10 Drew Hey, are you in Portland right now?

1:05:12 Actually, I'm close to Eugene.

1:05:15 Drew You know, the famous ice skater's mom got killed today.

1:05:18 That's what I heard, actually.

1:05:19 Drew Crazy incident. The national championships are in Portland, Oregon, and Angela Nikodinoff, who's just having this comeback and her coach had just died. They get to the airport where their mom and their coach, the cab driver flips the car. Flips the car? It throws the mom out. Oh, jeez.

1:05:35 Adam She could wear a seat belt. Well, I guess you don't have to now. It is weird when you get in a friend's car, like if a friend is driving to the airport, you get in, you buckle up, put your head between your legs, pull it, adjust the headrest and that kind of stuff. You get into a cab, you're talking to the person in the back seat, you're kneeling on the front seat, like everyone just stuffs in. This is a weird sort of, that's a cab.

1:06:00 Drew Well, it's like a professional driver, he'll know better.

1:06:03 Adam Yeah, but look at the guy.

1:06:04 Drew I know, I know. Listen, I wear a belt.

1:06:06 Adam He's got the ganoush on top of the, like an elephant with 18 arms on top of the dash. This guy's, you know, just keeps looking through a crack in his turbine. It's actually pulled down so low, he's using the bottom rung for like a chin strap. It's a disaster. And by the way, should these guys be able to drive? You know what I mean? How many of these folks from this part of the world win like, oh yeah, the guy won the Indy 500 and Le Mans last year.

1:06:32 Will Sasso How about the Jacksonville Ghanoush's? Ghanoush's?

1:06:35 Adam Ghanoush's.

1:06:36 Will Sasso Yeah, that'd be like sort of an Indian theme, therefore the brown and purple. And then they could be elephants, but like Dancing Happy, you know, if they're kind of colorful.

1:06:44 Adam Let's think at it. No, no, I think it's, well, that's horrible.

1:06:47 Will Sasso The Jacksonville NFL.

1:06:49 Caller Throne from a car. Ghanoush's.

1:06:50 Adam I'll tell you the scariest thing about this story is that you following figure skating like a maniac.

1:06:55 Drew My wife figures. My daughter's into it.

1:06:58 Adam You got to give her the hand when she starts talking. And it's like, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip.

1:07:03 Drew What I do is I put my fingers in my ears and start reciting the alphabet.

1:07:05 Adam Because I went out to dinner, me, my wife, and Drew and his old lady went out to dinner in San Francisco like a year ago. His old lady talked about ice skates for an hour and 45 minutes. Yeah. I wanted, you know, I wanted an ice skate so I could slit my throat with it.

1:07:20 Caller Slowly bleed to death.

1:07:22 Adam Just got to tell her back off on that stuff. I mean, my parents were the same way when I played popcorn or football.

1:07:26 Drew Oh, they were into it. They were into it.

1:07:30 Adam Yeah.

1:07:32 Drew No, wait a minute. They missed all the games.

1:07:33 Adam Well, all right.

1:07:34 Drew They were busy.

1:07:35 Adam All right.

1:07:36 Will Sasso Diving sex. Your parents were having sex.

1:07:40 Adam No. And let me tell you something. There's a weird in my family. My stepdad moved into my house. He don't sleep in the same room with my mom. He's got his own room. And he's cool. And those are the only two rooms in the house. I mean, it's not like, well, you know, it's 14 stories and I'm going to crash on my study or something. It's 1200 square feet of dump and he's got his own room. Yeah. It's good for the kids, though. It's kind of nice. Like, all right. But then the tough part is you have to sit on the dude's bed to watch TV, because that's where the TV is. You're like sitting on the dude's bed.

1:08:15 Drew So there was a plan there.

1:08:19 Adam How dare you?

1:08:21 Caller No, but it's just you're weird.

1:08:22 Adam Now you're sitting. It says sitting in the den. You're sitting in someone's bedroom watching TV.

1:08:26 Caller Sheesh.

1:08:27 Adam Oh, it's great. Oh, I got to sue. If my parents had anything, I would sue them. Now, if I sue my dad, I just get the car, at least.

1:08:35 Drew Take some parallel action against them.

1:08:36 Adam Well, oh, that's better. Yeah. See if I can get blocked up. Don?

1:08:40 Drew Take them off the streets?

1:08:42 Adam They're not on the streets. They don't leave the house. Don, you're 24?

1:08:46 Caller Yep.

1:08:47 Adam What's up?

1:08:48 Caller Well, basically, my girlfriend is not having sex with me as much as she used to. We used to have like maybe four, maybe four or three times a day, and now we're only having like once a month.

1:09:03 Drew How long have you guys been together?

1:09:05 Caller About a year.

1:09:06 Drew How long was the heavy activity going on for?

1:09:08 Adam The first weekend.

1:09:09 Drew That's what I'm thinking.

1:09:14 Caller About 12, maybe 12 months.

1:09:16 Drew How long have you been together?

1:09:19 Adam A year. Where are the world's dumbest scholars?

1:09:24 Drew Don't have to get sleepwalking through this.

1:09:26 Adam Oh, really?

1:09:26 Will Sasso 56 weeks.

1:09:28 Adam Nothing better, by the way, than who's the guy who called and said he was almost six foot? He was like 5'12. How tall are you?

1:09:37 Caller I'm like 5'12.

1:09:42 Will Sasso Almost six.

1:09:46 Adam I've said it once, I've said it a while. I will pit our callers up in a battle royale of stupidity against any national or local radio show.

1:09:56 Drew By the way, a little applause for Anderson coming up with that one in about four seconds.

1:10:00 Adam Yeah.

1:10:00 Drew Well done.

1:10:01 Adam Maybe less.

1:10:02 Drew Yeah. Well done.

1:10:04 Adam It's amazing.

1:10:05 Caller And that's on the computer.

1:10:08 Adam He was also looking at Internet porn at the same time.

1:10:11 Drew Yeah. Well done.

1:10:12 Adam Well, I had to be pulled away.

1:10:13 Will Sasso Look up German elderly coma coma porn. I'll come in there. I'm looking at that right now.

1:10:18 Drew Oh, good. Thanks, Anderson.

1:10:19 Adam Don. So you guys only have sex once a month, how long from three down from three or two times a day. It's interesting.

1:10:29 Drew Three or two or one. Yeah.

1:10:30 Adam Times a day, which was what you guys did for the first 12 months.

1:10:35 Drew And therefore the last X number of days.

1:10:38 Caller Oh, you know what?

1:10:39 Adam I got an answer.

1:10:40 Will Sasso For the past 30 days of the month.

1:10:42 Adam I got an answer. I got an answer for this. You know, calendars now are like 16 month calendars.

1:10:48 Drew He thinks that's a year.

1:10:50 Adam And Don figures, well, there must be 16 months in a year. So he said the first, you know, first year he was talking 16 months. So 12 months is when it stopped off. You see? So he must, he's like, it's January, the second January and the second February must have to put a number by them because you don't want to confuse them with the first one.

1:11:10 Drew Don, what does your girlfriend say is the reason she's not interested anymore?

1:11:15 Caller Why she's not interested anymore?

1:11:17 Drew You don't ask her?

1:11:18 Caller I haven't asked her, no.

1:11:21 Drew Don't you think it might be a place to start? You're obviously still interested, right?

1:11:24 Caller Yeah, but you know, I kind of have a feeling that she's with another guy too though.

1:11:30 Drew Well, why don't you break up then? By the way, why are you asking this?

1:11:32 Adam She found a guy who has an 18-month calendar.

1:11:34 Drew Yeah, why are you asking why she would be cutting down on the sex if you believe she's cheating?

1:11:38 Adam This is either bogus or there's something missing.

1:11:41 Drew Yeah. What's that, Don?

1:11:42 Caller Basically, we're in love, you know.

1:11:44 Drew Oh, well, why don't you say so? I'm sorry.

1:11:45 Adam You're talking about you and Drew or are you still talking about your lady?

1:11:48 Caller Me and my girlfriend.

1:11:49 Adam Okay.

1:11:50 Will Sasso All right.

1:11:50 Adam Just want some clarification. And why do you think she's with another guy then if she's in love?

1:11:56 Caller Because she was supposed to be home here about an hour ago and she never showed up, so.

1:12:04 Will Sasso By hour you mean 60 minutes or 80?

1:12:08 Caller I have no idea.

1:12:09 Will Sasso She still has some time. It's 90 minute hours.

1:12:12 Drew Where is she supposed to be right now?

1:12:13 Caller She's supposed to be at home?

1:12:15 Drew No, no. I mean, where is she coming back from? Where is she returning from?

1:12:18 Caller Minneapolis.

1:12:20 Drew Okay.

1:12:20 Adam I see.

1:12:21 Drew Listen, what was she doing in Minneapolis? Was she at work?

1:12:25 Caller Yeah, she works down there.

1:12:27 Adam She works there.

1:12:27 Drew What kind of work does she do?

1:12:29 Caller She is a waitress at a strip joint.

1:12:33 Adam And did you, she said waitress, no stripper.

1:12:36 Will Sasso Just the waitresses, only waitresses.

1:12:38 Adam And actual strippers. And did you call her on her cell phone?

1:12:44 Caller I tried, but I couldn't get a hold of her.

1:12:48 Adam And how do you know something horrible hasn't happened, like the DJ killed her?

1:12:53 Drew Or you're in Minneapolis.

1:12:54 Adam A lot of those guys are killers.

1:12:56 Drew I see Rhodes spawn off or something.

1:12:58 Caller I have no idea.

1:13:00 Drew And before tonight, did you have suspicion that she was cheating? Yep.

1:13:05 Adam Why? Well, why did you have suspicion she was cheating?

1:13:08 Caller Well, she'd come home smelling like another guy's cologne.

1:13:12 Drew This is bogus.

1:13:13 Adam I know it's bogus. But I cry. I cried bogus three minutes ago. I need credit for this. All right, Don.

1:13:20 Will Sasso You mean 160 seconds ago? I'll stop.

1:13:22 Caller I'll stop.

1:13:25 Adam Please admit this is bogus so we can be off with you. But I also want credit for knowing it was bogus three minutes ago.

1:13:32 Caller This is not bogus. Trust me.

1:13:34 Adam Well, what are you doing then staying? What am I doing trusting you? That's number one. But what are you doing staying with a girl that comes home smelling of aquavelva?

1:13:45 Drew And by the way, not even discussing it with her. Not even saying, I'm uncomfortable here. We're not having sex anymore, I don't see you anymore.

1:13:53 Adam Let's talk about, if not Don, the Don types. There are guys, and there's women out there too, but more guys that they seem like somebody severed every nerve that went from their body to their brain. Like they just seem completely detached. They don't read people very well. They don't communicate very well. They're much, I would think, if I believed in it, I would think they were aliens who just sort of got dropped down and were trying to assimilate. And everything is like, well, she was supposed to be home. And it's like, get smart when the doctor would give a Jaime the Robot a checkup and they'd say, hop up on the table, Jaime, and he would hop onto the table. Like everything's literal.

1:14:33 Drew Concrete and literal, yes. It's a very primitive kind of...

1:14:36 Adam Watch, I'm gonna try a question with Don. I'll ask him, do you smoke? And he'll say, only when I drink cheap oil. And then the big laugh track comes in. Yeah, here's the point. You wonder, and I don't know if it's trauma in childhood and I don't know what it is. It's just the guys out there that have zero connection.

1:14:55 Drew There are all kinds of neurobiological phenomena. First of all, there's sort of autistic spectrum problems. There's thought disorders, there's developmental issues.

1:15:03 Adam Can't we just call it thick?

1:15:04 Drew You can call it thick.

1:15:06 Adam Okay, let's just call it thick. Don, I don't know if any of this is gonna get through to you, but you sound like a guy who's very detached from his emotions.

1:15:18 Caller What do you mean by that, though?

1:15:21 Drew Not even that they're detached, but they're not even meaningful.

1:15:23 Caller Yeah, you're not there.

1:15:25 Adam There's no Don. I get no feeling for Don.

1:15:28 Drew And that motivation, you have difficulty judging motivations in other people and understanding interpersonal dialogues.

1:15:34 Adam You go, my woman, she works at a strip club, she comes home late, she comes home smelling of man's cologne. And you go, why are you staying with her? And you go, what do you mean?

1:15:43 Drew Because she lives here.

1:15:44 Adam Yeah. Yeah, it's like it's robot kind of talk, Don. Or is that what's going on? Or did you suffer some head trauma or anything?

1:15:51 Caller No, I have not suffered any head trauma.

1:15:56 Adam All right. Well, that's unfortunate.

1:15:58 Drew Take that off the list.

1:15:59 Caller That would have been a good excuse.

1:16:00 Adam And what do you do? Something in construction?

1:16:04 Caller No, I drive limousine.

1:16:06 Drew Drive a limousine.

1:16:08 Caller All right.

1:16:08 Drew Do you have trouble reading other people's feelings? I mean, like why people fluctuate from laughter to, you know, spontaneously break into laughter together, that sort of thing. Is that always kind of mysterious to you?

1:16:19 Caller Nope.

1:16:21 Adam True, that's, no one can answer that question. All I can say is, is if I was driving in Don's limo, that divider wouldn't be up fast enough. I'd be like, look, here's what I'm doing. I don't want to actually enter the limo and put the divider up. That's going to be too much time. I'm going to get a coat hanger. I'm going to undo it. I'm going to reach it in around through the sunroof and I'm going to raise the thing up and then I'll enter it. Yes.

1:16:47 Drew But then I need a camera to keep an eye on him. Yes. All right.

1:16:51 Adam All right, let's not make fun of poor Don. Don, if you think she's cheating, you need to break up with her.

1:16:56 Drew That's it. At least, at very minimum, have a conversation with her about what your relationship, where it's going, what's happening, how you're feeling.

1:17:02 Adam Honey.

1:17:02 Drew It's okay to do. That's what a relationship is.

1:17:04 Adam I love you. You are my world. What happened to us? I wrote a song.

1:17:11 Drew That's the interesting thing. What are those guys actually experiencing when they say, I love you? And why does the woman, the partner, accept that as an expression of the song is called Waterfall of Love?

1:17:25 Adam You, you are an endless river of love. And me, me is, I am the chasm you fall into. Do not try to go over our love in a barrel. You will end up on the rocks. Instead, get in the boat, put the slicker on and enjoy the view. Oh, yeah, I mean, what would these conversations sound like? All right, listen, don't kill yourself, don't kill her. Try to get in touch. You know, you know, Don needs to listen to some classical music.

1:17:58 Drew I'm not sure it's going to do it.

1:17:59 Caller All right.

1:18:01 Caller All right.

1:18:02 Adam We will, how about trade out for a therapist?

1:18:05 Caller You know what I mean?

1:18:06 Adam You take him up. Well, no, I mean, you drive him around in your limo. He gives you, he gives you 50 minutes on the sofa. Maybe work out of the limo. Therapist, it works out of a limo. Classy. Tuxedo with a red bow tie. White tux. All right. Will Sasso here now. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:18:26 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:18:29 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:18:37 94.7 FM.

1:18:55 Adam Yeah, everybody, it's the Loveline, and I say get it on.

1:18:59 Caller Woo!

1:19:00 Adam Gotta get it on, you know what I'm saying, Drew? Will Sasso here tonight from Less Than Perfect. I'll tell you what, I'll drop crown this guy.

1:19:08 Caller This guy will drop crown quickly.

1:19:12 Adam I'll tell you what, I'll drop crown, I'll just get my wrecked, veiny rod out at 69 after one.

1:19:19 Caller 831, 31 after eight o'clock.

1:19:23 Adam Will Sasso here tonight, funny, funny man. Funny, that's a funny one, 69.

1:19:29 Caller Hey, 29, 29 after eight o'clock. We've got a Cheap Trick Super Set coming up there, rocked over.

1:19:38 Adam Yeah, they're coming to town. They'll be coming to the Armory. I'll tell you what, we got tickets to give Wayne a signed guitar, too.

1:19:46 Will Sasso Check this out.

1:19:49 Caller He's hitting his genitalia against the mic. Look at this, look what I got in my hat here. Touch it. It's good. That feels good. It spit at me. Hey, 29, 29 after eight o'clock. I'll tell you what, driving weather.

1:20:10 Adam Coming out of the top of the hour. Slow and go on the 405.

1:20:12 Caller Look out for brake lights. There you go.

1:20:16 Adam Eve.

1:20:18 Drew 15, Eve.

1:20:19 Adam Super gay morning for Eve. Gay morning zoo.

1:20:25 Drew Gazoo.

1:20:27 Adam Gay zoo.

1:20:28 Drew Eve.

1:20:30 Adam Eve's 15.

1:20:31 Drew Sleeping.

1:20:32 Oh, hi.

1:20:33 Drew There she goes.

1:20:33 Adam There she is. Eve, what's going on?

1:20:36 What's up, guys? I was just wondering how to get birth control, how and where I would get it.

1:20:43 Drew You go to your doctor?

1:20:44 Caller By myself.

1:20:45 Caller But do I have to have a parent with me?

1:20:47 Drew Eve, I have to look up Pennsylvania. But most states, 14 is the cutoff. Some at 16. Yeah. But you can go to Planned Parenthood. They just find one in your area and usually they have very inexpensive and certainly plenty of means to deliver birth control to you and give you screens. So you can.

1:21:05 Adam Yeah. What are you doing? You got a boyfriend?

1:21:08 Yeah, I have a boyfriend. And we've been going out for like eight months now.

1:21:14 Caller So are you having sex?

1:21:16 Yeah, but I'm not on the pill yet.

1:21:18 Drew So what are you doing for birth control?

1:21:20 A condom.

1:21:22 Adam How old is the guy?

1:21:23 17.

1:21:24 Drew How long till you're 16?

1:21:27 Caller Four years. Two months.

1:21:29 Drew Two months. All right.

1:21:30 Adam Two months. That's 128 weeks.

1:21:33 Caller How many is that?

1:21:34 Drew Okay.

1:21:35 Will Sasso That's 299.

1:21:36 Adam 299 hours. So, Eve, you'll be 16 a couple months. Drew doesn't like the 15, 17 year old thing. Maybe you're gonna be 16 a couple months.

1:21:47 Drew It's getting close. 15, 16 is really the lowest limit I can tolerate because I just see so many problems with kids having sex before 16.

1:21:55 Adam To me it's like a, are you in the 10th grade?

1:21:58 Caller Yeah.

1:22:00 Drew Yes or no?

1:22:01 Caller Yes.

1:22:02 Drew 10th grade.

1:22:02 Adam Yes, you're in the 10th grade. So you will be an old 10th grader.

1:22:07 Caller Yes.

1:22:08 Adam Turning a little bit, a little bit, like in March or whatever. All right. Go to Planned Parenthood.

1:22:13 Drew Our Planned Parenthood number is 230-PLAN, isn't that right?

1:22:16 Adam I don't know. But here's the thing, Drew, isn't it also like whether you're in the 9th grade or the 10th grade?

1:22:22 Drew To some extent, but more than anything, it really is your neurobiological development.

1:22:29 Adam But if you're 9, but you're a senior in high school, wouldn't it be OK to have sex?

1:22:34 Drew See what I'm saying?

1:22:35 Adam I think I got him on this one. 829, 29, dropping trowel.

1:22:40 Caller Look at this. What's that little piece of good? Look at that.

1:22:45 Adam He did a little something called the turtle, Drew. He's going to be at the Fairhood, going to be at Foxy's coming up this Friday.

1:23:21 Caller Simple plan opening for us. Speaking of openings, but look at this. He's dialing it out, tell you what, right now.

1:23:30 Adam I could fold it in half and still fit it in.

1:23:32 Caller 829, 29, after 8 o'clock, you're going to listen to the Gay Morning Zoo.

1:23:39 Adam Drew, what about the Gay Morning Zoo? You'd listen to that, wouldn't you?

1:23:43 Drew Yes.

1:23:44 Caller We're giving away a Miata filled with chaps. You're the first one to call the Felschlein.

1:23:52 Adam Call it 129 and the Felschlein is going to be a Miata filled with chaps. Yeah, the spent condom Freddie Mercury used in 1979.

1:24:04 Drew Call it.

1:24:04 Caller We got a Queen Super Set coming up.

1:24:07 Adam A rager on the way.

1:24:09 Caller 829, 29 after 8 o'clock.

1:24:13 Caller All right.

1:24:14 Adam My name is Ace Rockolla.

1:24:15 Caller I'm Crecoactive.

1:24:18 Adam Drew, it's got to be a morning gay zoo. All right.

1:24:22 Caller Drew, stop looking for that.

1:24:23 Adam I don't want to get rid of that crap.

1:24:25 Caller What do you jackass?

1:24:27 Adam Drew gets obsessed with something, buries his face into it, and won't join the gay morning zoo.

1:24:31 Drew You guys are having fun. I'm not interested in the gay morning zoo anyway.

1:24:34 Adam You have to read right in front of me.

1:24:36 Caller Just find it.

1:24:37 Adam And by the way, you had 40 minutes. You couldn't find it?

1:24:39 Drew Couldn't find it.

1:24:40 Caller All right.

1:24:40 Adam And why do you have to give her that? Let her pick up the phone. She'll call information.

1:24:45 Caller All right.

1:24:46 Adam Why don't you get a little cheat sheet instead of 150 useless pages?

1:24:49 Drew We have one in Planned Pair.

1:24:50 Adam Oh, we had everything around here. All right.

1:24:54 Caller Forget it.

1:24:54 Adam Let's keep moving, Drew. Sharon, you ruined it.

1:24:57 Drew Sharon, bye bye.

1:24:58 Adam You ruined the whole gay morning zoo.

1:24:59 Drew Sharon, I'm glad.

1:25:00 Adam Sharon?

1:25:01 Caller Yeah.

1:25:02 Adam You're 18?

1:25:03 Caller Yes, I am.

1:25:05 Adam What's going on?

1:25:06 Caller All right. Well, like, when I have sex with my boyfriend and it happened with my ex-boyfriend also, like, for the first about minute, it hurts like hell.

1:25:19 Drew Are you nervous when you're getting started?

1:25:21 Caller No.

1:25:22 Drew And does he have trouble actually penetrating?

1:25:26 Caller Yeah. It's really hard. I can only do it when I'm on top.

1:25:30 Caller Yeah.

1:25:31 Drew And do you lubricate normally?

1:25:33 Caller Yeah. We lubricate condoms and we use, like, KY and stuff.

1:25:41 Caller The KY? That's going to be in the trunk of the side with the jam in the front. We're giving away. Party patrol is going to be kind of your neighborhood packed with KY and flavored kind of. We're going to be down there. The boss from the Lincoln Barclay will be there.

1:25:57 Adam We're going to be down there in cuffs and serinos having a smart cocktail if anyone wants to join us.

1:26:02 Drew Hey Sharon. Does your boyfriend give you enough time to sort of get going to be aroused?

1:26:08 Caller Yeah.

1:26:09 Drew There's enough foreplay?

1:26:10 Caller Yeah. Definitely.

1:26:12 Drew It may just be you. I mean, some women do have anatomical issues and the fact that you can, it only is a minute or so of discomfort.

1:26:18 Will Sasso What's the name of the, what was that, the vaginal cat scan that the, that the...

1:26:22 Adam Yeah, maybe he sent Nana.

1:26:23 Drew The ultrasound?

1:26:24 Will Sasso Yeah, she should have one of those. See how big the cervix is.

1:26:27 Drew No?

1:26:28 Caller I don't know.

1:26:28 Will Sasso I'm not the doctor.

1:26:35 Caller Come on down, meet us at Cuff's for a smart cocktail.

1:26:38 Adam We have the listener with the bushiest mustache competition.

1:26:41 Caller He's gonna walk away to the Savage Garden Box at 8.29, 29 after 8 o'clock. Come on down to the Gay Morning Zoo. Yeah?

1:26:49 Drew Yeah.

1:26:50 Adam All right, Drew, you're gonna be there.

1:26:51 Drew But anyway, Sharon, maybe it's just anatomical dysreportia. Dr. Drew's gonna be there.

1:26:56 Adam Maybe it's the stethoscope round his neck in a green pantana hanging out of his right pocket.

1:27:03 Caller Everybody's auctioning them off. We're raising money for whatever you wanna do with them. Five songs. Those people have suffered over there. I'll tell them a good time over here.

1:27:17 Adam Okay, we are gonna hit you with a tidal wave of passion when you come on down to Cuffs and Serena's.

1:27:23 Caller A bucket full of passion. Bucket fulls of smart cocktails.

1:27:26 Drew So Sharon, make sure you're not nervous. Make sure this...

1:27:28 Adam Try the bottomless wine.

1:27:29 Drew Make sure it's adequate foreplay, adequate lubrication.

1:27:31 Caller Yellow card.

1:27:32 Drew There are sort of interventions they can use to... Gynecologists can sort of expand things a little bit.

1:27:37 Caller Three doors down. It's gonna be down there with Maroon 5 and Savage Garden. Order up the bucket, the bottomless bucket of Calamari. First one's on the Ace man. Speaking of Calamari, check out this balloon knot. That's not the one with the tentacles. Sunmari flying over there. Drew will be over there doing Hep C checkups. No charge. Create the boys some great a bit.

1:28:10 Adam Good looking cats, those guys. All right, keep an eye out for the minivan party patrol. It's the purple minivan with the phallic hood symbol. It's got the limousine uncle, I mean the uncle Henry O'Gahorn.

1:28:25 Caller That's how you know they're coming to town. All right, 8.25, 8 o'clock.

1:28:32 Drew Take a break, go have a break.

1:28:33 Caller Proud.

1:28:34 Drew Go ramble.

1:28:35 Adam All right, all right.

1:28:36 Drew Let's ramble on out of here.

1:28:38 Adam Nipple piercings also. Drew's gonna be consulting on those. Hep C vats, bushiest mustache competition.

1:28:46 Caller It's all there at Cubs and Cerritos.

1:28:49 Adam We'll be right back with news, traffic, and weather and T-Shell count after this.

1:28:59 Caller T-Shell counts? If you need help, call Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:29:27 Adam Yeah, everybody, it's the Loveline of Adam. That's Dr. Drew, Will Sasso.

1:29:31 Caller Oh.

1:29:31 Adam I just dumped Drew's tea all over the board. All right, Will, yes. Less than Perfect, name of his show. Friday, 9.30, smoke comes up from the computer, ABC. We, before we left, we were talking about playing Ace's Mexican Ranchero accordion Countdown. Yes.

1:29:53 Drew Yeah. Will's trying to absorb what that means.

1:29:55 Adam Well, what it is, Will, is we listen to some wonderful ranchero music, random ranchero music, and it's not at the beginning of the song. It's queued up anywhere in the song. Is that right, Michelle? Yeah. Yes. Queued up anywhere in the song. And we guess, how long before we hear the accordion?

1:30:14 Will Sasso By seconds?

1:30:14 Adam Yeah. Well, you'd be smart to go by seconds. Yeah. Because you can't go by minutes. That is a lifetime in the life of a ranchero accordionist.

1:30:23 Drew I'll go for six seconds.

1:30:24 Adam Six seconds, Drew, with a feeling. Bold, bold. You won immediate last night, you won. Wow, it makes me think you know something.

1:30:34 Will Sasso Will? 16 seconds.

1:30:36 Adam Oh, it's eternity.

1:30:38 Caller Dear, dear, naive Will.

1:30:40 Caller Amateur. Wow. That's, that's, that's.

1:30:45 Adam Look at this. Oh, yeah.

1:30:46 Drew Pouring out of the thing.

1:30:47 Adam Dumping tea out of the thing. All right, I'm going to go four seconds.

1:30:52 Drew Oh my God.

1:30:52 Adam How about that? Wow, I did dump a lot in there. I'm going to go, I'm going to go four seconds, all right?

1:30:57 Drew Okay, I think you're right.

1:30:58 Adam All right, I'm going to capsize this thing. All right, let's wait till we get cued up here. You ready, Michelle? Let's what, let's let it get to the 10 so we can really tell, all right? Five, four, three, two, one, go. Well, it was the second. Yeah, it was the second.

1:31:23 Drew This is an homage to our station which we lost yesterday. WHFS. I was sitting with a bunch of DC people tonight for dinner. They were, one of them started crying.

1:31:34 Adam Really?

1:31:35 Drew It's a favorite station.

1:31:41 Caller Yesterday.

1:31:43 Adam I got to believe some of it had to do with me.

1:31:45 Drew I'm afraid it did. I'm afraid who else might convert.

1:31:48 Adam Yeah.

1:31:48 Drew After this is infectious.

1:31:50 Adam It really is. Once you turn on Ranchero music, you can't turn it off.

1:31:54 Drew Especially in those colder climates. I mean, it just speaks.

1:31:57 Adam Yeah. You think nation's capital, founding fathers, declaration of Independence.

1:32:01 Will Sasso You think this kind of that color from Minnesota. The Braindead Fellows probably listening to this.

1:32:06 Adam Oh, most definitely. I don't I think it's all they listen to in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Yeah. You know, it's great. Tell you what, you go see like you go see a hockey game in Minneapolis. This is what they'll be playing when they're trying to pump up the crowd.

1:32:19 Will Sasso If you got drunk enough, this is sort of Oktoberfest music. I mean, it's not far off from a polka.

1:32:25 Drew Interesting it has a common heritage with that.

1:32:27 Will Sasso Really?

1:32:27 Drew Right. We decided yesterday it was probably designed by the workers. Apparently the Germans settled in Mexico.

1:32:34 Will Sasso Florida.

1:32:35 Drew Florida, that's right. And in the breweries, they would combine their music with the local Mexicans and the Germans and they'd get this.

1:32:43 Adam Yeah, but like anything, there were some scientists who thought nuclear power can be an endless source of of of of turbine power for electricity, but someone makes a bomb out of it. That's what happened with the Germans and the accordion and the ranchero music. It started off as a good thing, but then they hijacked it and now we have ranchero.

1:33:05 Drew Well, we figured that when we started unionizing, they were using this as a tool, like the way the bob bag pipes were used by the Scottish to scare off their...

1:33:11 Adam Yeah, this is how you break the scab line.

1:33:15 Will Sasso This was like the rage against the machine of that era.

1:33:17 Drew That's right.

1:33:18 Adam Yeah, so I won, right? I had four seconds. It was a second and a half.

1:33:23 Drew Excellent job.

1:33:23 Adam Thank you, buddy. Sixteen seconds. That's going to be good to tell other guests.

1:33:29 Drew We'll be talking about him tomorrow.

1:33:31 Adam Yeah.

1:33:32 Drew Kelly?

1:33:32 Adam You know what it would be like? Don't pull a Sasso. Kelly, you're 26. Kelly? Maybe I screwed the board up, Drew.

1:33:44 Drew Oh, no. Kelly?

1:33:47 Adam All right, we'll try one more call, and then we'll bring you back to Gay Morning Zoo.

1:33:51 Drew We'll try three.

1:33:53 Adam We'll have no choice after that.

1:33:54 Caller Nicole?

1:33:55 Caller Hi.

1:33:57 Adam 17. What is that weird law of whatever that says after you spill the thing in the thing, the next caller must mysteriously not say anything? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So you go, oh, well, wait a minute. Maybe there's some damage here. No, it's just the first one that hasn't said anything. You know what I mean? All right. Oh, wait a minute. I hit Crystal now. All right. So you want to try Trell again? Try Kelly one more time.

1:34:20 Caller Are you sure?

1:34:21 Adam That's where I'm on. I can't see it. Kelly. Kelly.

1:34:27 Drew Done.

1:34:28 Adam All right. Now we're going to Nicole?

1:34:29 Drew Nicole, yeah.

1:34:30 Adam All right. Nicole?

1:34:32 Caller Yep.

1:34:33 Adam What's up, baby doll?

1:34:35 Caller Okay. My question is if you can physically turn into a virgin again.

1:34:41 Drew Can you regrow the hymen?

1:34:45 Caller Well, the rumors I heard, you can't fully regrow it, but it's almost the same, I guess.

1:34:51 Drew Well, Nicole, here's the deal.

1:34:52 Adam Mine came back, but I lost it early and often. Then I think it was able to repair because I'm so young.

1:35:00 Drew I see. I'm going to vomit now. Nicole, virginity is not some sort of technicality. It's whether you've had intercourse or not.

1:35:11 Adam If you've had a saran ramp up there, you're a virgin.

1:35:13 Drew Yeah, you had it. You had it. That's it. Why are you preoccupied about these things?

1:35:17 Adam Well, unless I would sort of argue, unless somebody took it from you.

1:35:23 Drew Somebody raped you or something?

1:35:24 Adam Yeah. I mean, look, if you've got a girl who's, when she was 12, her drunken uncle jumped on top of her, but has never been with a man, I would give her the virgin. I would. Drew wouldn't because he's cruel.

1:35:39 Drew I'm just saying it's not a planticality.

1:35:40 Adam Or he could possibly be the uncle.

1:35:42 Drew It just has a penis past the plane of the vagina, period. That's all it is.

1:35:46 Adam Yeah, but it's also, there's an attitude to it as well, too.

1:35:50 Drew Well, then let's call it something else. Let's have the...

1:35:52 Adam Well, no, I just mean if the penis that passed the plane of the vagina is an escaped convict who broke into your window and held you at night point, I'm willing to still give you a virgin status since it doesn't mean anything anyway.

1:36:06 Drew Right. We should have some sort of other name for it then.

1:36:08 Adam Yeah.

1:36:09 Drew Well, by the way, I think chastity would be a better name. Like, this is still a chaste person who was raped.

1:36:15 Adam Not scared that it wouldn't turn out to be a fat lesbian?

1:36:17 Drew No. I'm not saying that's her name.

1:36:20 Adam Oh, oh.

1:36:21 Drew It's what you refer to them as.

1:36:22 Adam Chaste. I see. I see what you're saying, chaste.

1:36:25 Drew Yeah.

1:36:25 Adam Kelly? I mean, Nicole? What happened to Nicole?

1:36:30 Drew We were still, you didn't?

1:36:30 Adam Oh, okay.

1:36:31 Drew There we go.

1:36:31 Adam Don't ever correct me on the air.

1:36:33 Caller Nicole?

1:36:35 Drew So no, you're not, yes, there can be sort of.

1:36:37 Adam How did you lose your virginity?

1:36:41 Caller Well, I was actually raped when I was 14, but then the second time I had sex is with my current boyfriend. I won't be able to see for three years. Why?

1:36:53 Drew Why three years?

1:36:56 Caller He was in jail.

1:36:58 Adam Perfect.

1:36:58 Drew Nicole, you got to examine what you're doing here.

1:37:00 Adam Yeah.

1:37:01 Drew The rape at 14 usually means trauma earlier.

1:37:04 Adam Yes.

1:37:04 Drew And then hooking up after a rape with a criminal. Yeah. I'm looking at the crystal ball. It's not looking good.

1:37:11 Adam Yeah. He raped an elderly woman in a coma.

1:37:14 Drew We were talking about him earlier.

1:37:15 Adam Yeah. And Nicole, please stop blowing smoke up your own took eye. You're not going to be with this guy in three years.

1:37:20 Caller You might be through... Well, he's been two years already.

1:37:23 Adam You're going to be through 30 guys between 17 and 20 because you're going to act out because you screwed up.

1:37:28 Drew So get some therapy.

1:37:30 Adam Get some therapy.

1:37:30 Drew Please get some help.

1:37:31 Adam All right. All right. Here we go. Mess. We'll take a break. Be right back.

1:37:35 Caller All right, guys. Here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:37:40 Adam One call is all you need to make.

1:37:42 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:37:43 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:37:45 Drew Call the Dateline. Love 191.

1:37:54 Adam Well, that's the show, everybody. Well, I think Will Sasso will come in.

1:37:58 Caller 829. 829. The boys from Smash Mouth will be there. Rupert Everett Lookalike Contest, B2K.

1:38:05 Adam He's going to be out at the Harley-Davidson of Fire Island, giving a ride on his hog, fully dressed.

1:38:12 Will Sasso And I'll be bringing my bike, too.

1:38:14 Adam It'll be the one wearing nothing but the leather, tasseled vest.

1:38:18 Caller 829. 829.

1:38:20 Adam Yeah, everyone. Less than perfect, everybody. I want to thank Engineer Anderson for doing a great job all week. Whose phone's greening this week, by the way? Brian. Fantastic, buddy. Doing a great job. I want to thank Engineer Chris.

1:38:36 Caller Yeah.

1:38:37 Adam I want to thank wonderful, wonderful engineer Michelle. Here's your junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior producer, Lauren and of course producer, and until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

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Thursday, January 13, 2005