Episode 1000671055332

1:27 Adam Accord Certified Physician, Jason Meson Specialist. Yeah, whoo, get it on. What's going on? Drew, did you make a New Year's rezo?

1:36 Drew No, I'm not into that.

1:37 Adam Yeah.

1:38 Drew I'm really not.

1:38 Adam And by the way, how about vague ones?

1:40 Drew Like, no.

1:41 Adam Let's see if we can do a little better.

1:43 Drew What I get is, I'm looking forward to a good year. I want a good year.

1:47 Adam Okay.

1:48 Drew Yeah. I don't get, here's how I'm going to do it stuff.

1:50 Adam I think those rezos, by the way, I think they, you know, New Year's should be on the first. I mean, you know, celebrated New Year's Eve, the 31st, rezos should start on the 7th.

2:00 Drew Get a week off.

2:01 Adam You get a week to get it together because the three big ones, the big three, I've got to be boozing, smoking and losing weight.

2:11 Drew That's it.

2:12 Adam All the things that are very difficult to get involved with on New Year's Eve.

2:16 Drew Oh, yes.

2:16 Adam It's all about booze. As far as when people drink, they want to smoke.

2:19 Drew Well, let me tell you.

2:20 Adam Also just food going around. And what are you supposed to do with that refrigerator filled with leftovers? Because there's still a bunch of stuff that takes a week. You got to whittle it down.

2:29 Drew You're absolutely right. And here's the deal. When people are going to give up a substance, they often will go on the last binge.

2:34 Adam Yeah.

2:34 Drew There's the last binge. And secondly, typically we advise people to wait until they are ready. And you're not ready if you've got a fridge full of leftovers. But I'll tell you what. The other thing is that other than those top three, which by the way is everyone's top three, the rest of them sort of make more money and be a good person. It's like, no S. Why don't we make that everybody's mantra when they wake up, not in the new year? You know? Be more industrious. Be a good person. OK. Yeah. I mean, it gets like, get a better job. Yeah, do better. Go ahead. Do better and be better. There we go.

3:07 Adam Yeah, mine is to leave for the show five minutes earlier. Do you know that?

3:11 Drew No.

3:11 Adam I mean it.

3:12 Drew No way.

3:12 Adam You notice I've been here early the last few nights, right?

3:14 Drew It's freaking me out.

3:15 Adam Yeah. I got here at like 1052 tonight.

3:19 Drew This is a resolution. This one will last seven days.

3:21 Adam No, I'm doing it. I'm done running. I'm done running.

3:25 Drew In life in general?

3:26 Adam Not running anymore. Tired of running. Been living life on the run. You know why? Rambling, man.

3:33 Drew You're rambling, man.

3:33 Adam I ramble.

3:34 Drew You live by your own rules.

3:35 Adam I got to ramble. That's right. That's right. I play by my own rules.

3:38 Drew Speaking of rambling, we are able to-

3:40 Adam Not just in life. I mean in everything.

3:42 Drew Every basketball, chess.

3:43 Adam If you and I were playing like Connect Four.

3:46 Drew Your own rules.

3:46 Adam And I would just knock your stuff out of your hand and just do it like we're playing checkers. I would take the board and turn it upside down. If you're winning and then just put all mine together. Yeah. You know why? Play by my own rules. You should play monopoly with me. You know, it takes about two minutes.

4:01 Drew You win.

4:02 Adam I just, no, I just take all the money. You know when they're handing out the money and they're doing- No, no, no.

4:06 Drew That's it.

4:07 Adam Yeah. Just give it to me. Game over.

4:08 Drew And they put hotels and everything. That's it. Yeah.

4:10 Adam And I'm like, I get to be the hat, the iron, and the race car, and whatever else, the spinning wheel.

4:17 Drew Leave the thimble for me.

4:18 Adam The thimble. No, I get that and all the money. It's great. It's awesome. I play by my own rules.

4:23 Drew But you know, now that you are sort of bringing this up, playing by your own rules, I'm once again reminded of the the veteran stuck in the trunk of the Duesenbergs in the Soviet sub.

4:36 Yeah.

4:37 Adam Yeah. Grand Theft Sub. I gotta work on that. I'm going to try. I'll make a note. I'll make a note for myself, Drew. All right. You ready to rock?

4:47 Drew Yeah, let's go.

4:52 Adam Drew, what's up? What is up with those dreams when you're... Man, I had this dream. I got my penis cut off.

5:00 Drew No.

5:00 Adam Last night. Yeah.

5:01 Drew No, seriously.

5:02 Adam And enlarged. Yeah.

5:04 Drew Enlarged. Was it detached in your body when it was enlarged or was it replaced with a new one?

5:08 Adam It was the kind of thing where you cut it off, give it to the doctor. They enlarge it and they sew it back on. But the problem is is they sewed it back on. But they don't cut it off right at the base. They cut off about an inch from the base. So there was a goose neck in it. There was a dog leg. It was weird. Why has everything got to be wrong? Why my dreams is everything wrong?

5:30 Drew Wait a minute. One of the fantasies about male castration anxieties is not so much about the nuts. Engineer Michelle freaked out about this. Men have weird little subconscious fantasies about having their penis stolen. Oftentimes, there's a split between a big penis and a little penis. You're going to steal a little one or give back the big one. These are all symbols of power, basically. It's fundamentally over there. Also, things you don't want anybody getting near.

5:54 Adam Well, it got cut off and it got enlarged and it got sewn back on, but it had a dog leg in it.

6:00 Drew So you're sort of an incomplete adult.

6:01 Adam Speed bump.

6:02 Yeah.

6:03 Adam I don't know. Nothing ever goes right in my dreams.

6:06 Drew Yeah. Well, think about your life.

6:08 Adam I know. But is this the way everyone's dreams are? No, they're not.

6:12 Drew No. Well, Michelle, she lives in Nirvana in her dreams.

6:16 Adam Yeah. Really? Oh, really?

6:20 Drew Oh, yeah.

6:21 Adam Oh, she had had a dream. She fell into a vagina the size of a canoe. That was her last dream. Yeah. Then went over Niagara Falls in it. Yeah. No, but seriously, I really want to know this. People should tell me, and Drew, I want you to tell me too what yours are like, but Michelle's probably a little happier than we are. But I don't have a dream that isn't like a Twilight Zone episode, whereas they all have sort of a fable, moral sort of lesson to them like, oh, you think you want this? Oh, you think you're going to get this? Oh, you're not. But you're not going to get this.

7:00 Drew That's the chronic sort of stuff you were subjected to as a child.

7:03 Adam Is that what it is? So other people have dreams where they're just banging a model or on an island, or they can just fly like Superman, or they win a Super Bowl. Everything works out. Just victorious dreams. No catches. At the end, nothing doesn't work or something like that.

7:21 Drew Not necessarily.

7:22 Adam Really?

7:22 Drew Yeah.

7:23 Adam Wow.

7:23 Drew That's you.

7:25 Adam Wow.

7:26 Drew I've got to go home now.

7:27 Adam So sad. I just figured everyone had this horrible dream. No, no, no. All right. Now, I mean, like my dream would be, oh, I could play in the Super Bowl, but I would have an equipment problem and not make it out into the field.

7:40 Drew Right.

7:40 Adam I'd be in the locker room, frustrated, trying to get something shoulder pads on.

7:44 Drew That's how you described your life as a child, right? You've repeatedly described it that way. That's it.

7:49 Adam But you would have a dream where actually played in the game.

7:51 Drew Yeah. Let me think what my stuff is.

7:53 Adam Yeah.

7:53 Drew My stuff, I have anxiety dreams.

7:57 Adam Yeah. Somebody wants to borrow a nickel.

7:58 Drew No, no, no. I'm sorry about things cheap. I'm in there rescuing things and things are falling apart.

8:03 Adam Do you ever have any victorious dreams?

8:06 Drew Yeah, I do. I succeed in helping. Yeah.

8:09 Adam What do you mean succeed in helping? You have a dream where you kick a little ass and down a better model or anything?

8:17 Drew Oh, yeah. Okay.

8:19 Adam Drew is a passionate man. He can't close it, shut it out. And by the way, his passion begins when the streetlights come off. That's when his passion begins.

8:29 Drew My conscious mind settles down.

8:33 Adam Yeah. Oh, yeah. When you shut it off, when the glasses come off and it's just Drew in the midways, a little chubby and the shorty socks look out. I mean, imagine Drew when you can let that passionate mind run wild because you're a guy who is brimming with passion, but you keep yourself in check a little bit.

8:53 Drew You know what? Yes, absolutely true. But the other thing that happens to me, in fact, it was happening to me this morning. I'm so relaxed when I'm sleeping deeply to the point where I'm dreaming. I'm thinking about being relaxed and I'm not about getting.

9:06 Adam I got my penis cut off. There you go. Also, I frequently have this and I'm sure everyone has this one, where you know you're talking to or in the presence of somebody, they just look like somebody else.

9:21 Drew I'm talking to the composited. If you're talking to somebody but they look like somebody else, but you're talking to them. Frank's not, but it's your mom or whatever. Right. Yeah.

9:32 Adam All right. Everyone does that? Well, why does that one work that way?

9:37 Drew Because your brain in that part of your brain.

9:38 Adam Shouldn't it just be the person you think you're going to go see? I mean, in flesh?

9:41 Drew It's more like things don't follow linearly in that part of your brain. Things just are more sort of global. Things that have common feelings create common images.

9:50 Adam Yeah. I'll tell you, if you had my dream on tape and you popped it in, you would have me institutionalized. Do you understand? Yeah. Last night's dream, you would look at that and you would say, time up, grab him with that giant butterfly net and lock him up. This man cannot be out on the streets. It was that effed up. All right.

10:12 Drew We're feeling good. Something happened if they do something with your penis other than enlarge it? Use it on somebody, whip somebody with it. We haven't thought of it a long time when your mother and grandmother beat you with your scrotum until you drown in the pool. Remember that one?

10:27 Adam Yeah, I do remember that one.

10:28 Drew That's the same kind of a dream.

10:30 Adam That one.

10:30 Drew That was though, but that was in the day when you were more drowning.

10:33 Adam That dream would be considered a Sullivan book compared to what was going on.

10:37 Drew What's interesting though, that was the day compared to what went on last night. But I know that was in the day in your life when you were like really struggling and being beaten down by everybody. Now you're sort of literally a millionaire.

10:48 Adam Yeah.

10:48 Drew And now people just take your penis away.

10:50 Adam That's true. Yeah. I no longer have the recurring dream where the animal bites on to me.

10:54 Drew Right.

10:55 Adam Yeah. Amy? Uh-huh. You're 28?

11:00 Caller Yeah.

11:00 Adam What's up?

11:02 Caller Well, I've been wondering this. A couple of years ago, I was pregnant. And when I was about four or five months along, I just had this obsession with girls. And I even went on websites trying to hook up with girls.

11:24 Drew You actually made an attempt to hook up.

11:27 Caller Yeah.

11:27 Drew You weren't just having sort of a fantasy relationship. You actually wanted to hook up.

11:31 Caller Yeah. And I'm straight of straight gets.

11:35 Adam I don't get any straighter in eating vagina.

11:38 Caller Yeah.

11:39 Adam Or at least attempting to. You don't get any straighter in that.

11:42 Drew Did you actually engage with somebody?

11:45 Caller No, I didn't.

11:46 Drew How come?

11:48 Caller Well, a couple of women, or you know, I got a lot of responses. But I just, I can never take the next step.

11:57 Drew You were just interested in the fantasy of all that. All right.

12:00 Caller Yeah, I guess so.

12:01 Drew All right. And a lot of women find women attractive and think about that. And when you were pregnant, were you in the last trimester of pregnancy or the first?

12:07 Caller What?

12:08 Adam She didn't say she was pregnant.

12:09 Drew Yeah.

12:09 Adam Did she?

12:10 Drew So two years ago I was pregnant.

12:11 Caller No. Yeah, I was pregnant a couple of years ago.

12:14 Adam I think you just read that. I don't think she said that. She said it? Yeah. Oh, okay.

12:19 Drew While you were, what stage in the pregnancy were you?

12:22 Caller I was about five months along.

12:24 Drew Yeah, at that last trimester women get incredibly horny.

12:28 Adam Yeah.

12:28 Drew And it's God's great joke on humanity.

12:31 Adam Yeah, that is.

12:33 Drew And so whatever minor league sort of attractions you have before you got pregnant really get amplified during that last trimester.

12:41 Adam Right. So you can't put a lot of stock in it.

12:43 Caller With women?

12:44 Drew That's you.

12:45 Adam Whatever you had, I mean, look, if you had some sort of passing curiosity in women, then at that point in pregnancy, what Drew is saying, put a zero behind whatever it was. If it was a three, make it a 30 or a 300.

12:57 Drew Right.

12:58 Adam See what I'm saying?

12:59 Drew The intensity is all up.

13:01 Caller But even if I didn't have the fantasies before and they just came on when I was pregnant.

13:07 Drew You've never had a passing fantasy at all? That's interesting.

13:12 Adam So you never gave a second thought to a woman until you're pregnant?

13:16 Caller No. You know, my breasts were enlarged and it's just like I was just going crazy in my mind, you know, wanting to have a girl go all over me, you know? Just attack me.

13:31 Adam And but it never happened?

13:33 Caller No.

13:34 Adam Do you tell your husband this?

13:36 Caller No, I wasn't married at the time.

13:38 Adam Uncle or whatever?

13:39 Yeah, I broke up with a guy.

13:41 Drew You're Mormon?

13:41 Caller She wasn't in my life. Yeah.

13:43 Drew Mormon.

13:43 Adam Okay.

13:44 Caller But I'm not active.

13:46 Adam All right. Not active.

13:46 Caller I was raised LPS.

13:48 Adam But passive? Yeah. All right.

13:52 Caller All right.

13:52 Adam So now you got your kid, you're fine, you're married now?

13:56 Caller No, I'm not. And even now, like every so often, I still have those fantasies. Like, what would it be like to be?

14:04 Adam All right.

14:06 Drew So we said.

14:07 Adam Yeah. She's not pregnant now.

14:09 Drew No.

14:10 Adam There's not a chick alive that doesn't admire another, can't appreciate another woman's body.

14:15 Drew And this is not just looking at her as a sexual object. This is wanting to be ravished by a woman.

14:20 Adam Yeah. But she doesn't do anything.

14:21 Drew Yeah.

14:22 Adam I don't want to talk to those people that have...

14:25 Drew Passing.

14:25 Adam Yeah. They have thoughts, but they never do anything. Yeah. I wanted to be a pirate. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

14:35 Drew Little pig penis.

14:36 Adam Yeah. All right. Blue balls. Will, be a good pirate name. Blue balls. He went up and down the coast not getting light.

14:50 Drew No. You twisted the pubic hair and lit it on fire, went into battle.

14:54 Adam Yeah.

14:54 Drew Bluebeard used to light his...

14:55 Adam He lit his beard on fire?

14:57 Drew Yeah. He couldn't have. No. He was known for...

14:59 Adam Lighting his beard.

15:00 Drew Blackbeard, actually. Blackbeard was known for having these sort of dread-like things on his beard and hair with light them like wicks.

15:07 Adam Really?

15:07 Drew Going to battle with his face on fire.

15:09 Adam But let me say this. If you really think about it, you take like a ponytail and you light it on fire, it goes up immediately.

15:16 Drew I know. He had some way of... he waxed it or something.

15:19 Adam All right.

15:19 Drew But by the way, total f'ing nut job, right? Yeah. Yeah. Pirates?

15:24 Adam Yeah.

15:24 Drew Really? Were you a pirate?

15:25 Adam I did.

15:26 Yeah.

15:27 Blue balls.

15:28 Adam Will?

15:29 Yeah.

15:29 Drew All right.

15:30 Adam You're 18. What's up?

15:32 Caller Yeah.

15:33 Drew Hang on a second, Will. By the way, how come I don't scream at you for not knowing what I'm talking about when I talked about Black Beards Beer? Michelle knew about it. Well, how come I don't hold you accountable for every shred of information that's in my head?

15:45 Adam I don't know. First off, Michelle just probably saw something on Discovery Channel about it last night or something. I don't I don't think it's it's common knowledge he lit his beard on fire. Why do you know it? How dare you know something that I don't know? And I may have heard it at some point. Oh, sure.

16:04 I heard about it. I was because I was a pirate for Halloween many years ago, so I researched pirates.

16:08 Adam All right. All right. I don't think it's common knowledge. And I would ask around here to prove you wrong, but that's unfair to you because people are like, huh? Hey, I can say like Chris, like, hey, Chris, do you hear about Blackbeard, Blackbeard, the pirate, the potato chip? No, no, pirate potato chip. I forget it. I got to go to the bathroom. Is that how it goes?

16:30 Drew That's exactly how it would go.

16:32 Adam All right.

16:32 Drew All right, well, what's going on?

16:34 Adam Well, what's happening?

16:36 Caller Yeah, like, I just like met my girlfriend like a couple months ago. And we...

16:43 Adam And I said blue balls, not blue beard.

16:46 Drew No, I know you said blue balls. I said you take the pubic hair and light it up.

16:48 Adam Yeah, I know. But I could have said blue beard. Was there a blue beard?

16:51 Drew I think there was a blue beard.

16:52 Adam Well, see, that's the connection.

16:54 Drew I know.

16:55 Adam Blue beard had to light his beard on fire.

16:58 Drew In order for you to understand it, to make the connection?

17:00 Adam Well, that's a more feasible connection.

17:03 Drew Huh?

17:03 Adam All right. Will?

17:05 Caller Yeah. Go ahead. I just met my girlfriend a couple of months ago.

17:10 Drew Turn your radio off, Will.

17:12 Caller All right. All right.

17:14 Adam First bisexual experience?

17:16 Drew There you go.

17:17 Adam Danielle?

17:17 Caller Yeah.

17:21 Adam Danielle?

17:22 Yeah.

17:23 Adam You're 16?

17:24 Caller Yes, I am.

17:25 Adam You're planning your first bisexual experience?

17:28 Caller Yes, I am.

17:29 Adam All right. When you got that for? Like the fall 2011?

17:34 Caller No. I'm supposed to do it tomorrow night.

17:37 Adam Oh, okay. That's sooner. And how did you figure this out? Who do you got lined up?

17:43 Caller Why? She's one of my best friends. Her name is Star. Star? We've been thinking about each other, like, in that way for quite some time. And then we start talking about it. And she wants me to come over so we can hang out and stuff. Marco, please?

17:59 Drew Yeah. No kidding. Are you guys sexually active in other ways?

18:04 Caller Yes, we are.

18:05 Drew With what? How does that, what's happened to you so far?

18:08 Caller Like, we're not virgins no more.

18:09 Drew What have you been doing? You're not virgins no more.

18:12 Adam No more. Okay. And now, do you think, do you consider yourself a lesbian?

18:18 Caller No, we're just both bi.

18:20 Drew Both bi.

18:21 Adam You're both bi. But yet you've never been with a woman.

18:23 Caller No.

18:24 Drew She's planning it, huh?

18:25 Caller We, like, think of other girls in that way.

18:27 Drew Are you, were you sexually abused growing up?

18:29 Caller No.

18:30 Adam No? Every, everything's good around the house?

18:33 Caller Yep.

18:34 Adam Your dad's around?

18:36 Caller No.

18:37 Adam Where's he?

18:38 Caller He lives in somewhere. I have not seen him for, like, ten years.

18:42 Adam Oh, ten years.

18:43 Drew That's kind of awful, isn't it?

18:45 Caller Not really.

18:46 Drew Geez, there was a TV show on tonight called Who's Your Daddy?

18:48 Adam Yeah.

18:49 Drew You see that thing?

18:50 Adam No, but I know, know about it.

18:51 Drew I watched it. All right.

18:52 Adam Quiet. Danielle?

18:54 Caller Yeah.

18:55 Adam Any step dads around?

18:57 Caller Yes, there is.

18:58 Adam How, how you get along with him?

19:01 Caller He's kind of annoying.

19:03 Drew Does he ever do anything awful, too? Does he hit you or anything like that? Or did he ever?

19:07 Caller No.

19:08 Drew All right.

19:08 Adam You just don't care for him?

19:10 Caller No.

19:11 Drew Remember the perfect family life you described three seconds ago.

19:14 Adam I'm trying to think of what the batting average is on step dads. By the way, listen fellas, don't ever be a step dad.

19:20 Drew Yeah, you lose no matter what.

19:22 Adam You know, it reminds me of, it's like when I used to teach traffic school. You got 35 people that all hate you because you're just sitting there and you're the reason they've wasted a Sunday. Even though it has nothing to do with you. Really, they went out and got a ticket and then they could blame the cop. But if you, they're sort of sitting in front of, that's what stepdads get. It's exactly the same thing. My poor stepdad, my sister hated the guy. The guy, I've still never heard him say three words. The poor just sat there in his room and watched TV. And all right, he didn't take her out to the beach or anything, but he never did anything. She hated him the whole time. It's just, there's a guy.

19:58 Drew Yeah, you lose a stepdad no matter what.

20:00 Adam Oh no, there's nothing you can do.

20:02 Drew It's for the daughter, the stepdaughter.

20:03 Adam You can't do anything. If you try to get involved, start disciplining, or say, oh, they resent you, or where's real dad. Meanwhile, real dad is living in Florida and he's being idolized from 3,000 miles away. Yeah, sucks. And by the way, this guy didn't even do anything. And he gets a marginal thumbs down.

20:24 Drew Well, even if he's a good stepdad, he gets a marginal thumbs down. If he's neutral, he's gonna get attacked.

20:29 Adam Yeah, yeah. Danielle?

20:31 Caller Yeah?

20:32 Adam Now, I'm trying to figure out if your stepdad's a good guy or not.

20:35 Caller He is. Like, he, like, he pays attention more than, like, my dad used to, but...

20:41 Drew All right.

20:41 Adam Well, why punish him?

20:43 Drew He works too much.

20:44 Adam He works too much.

20:45 Drew There could be worse offenses for a stepdad.

20:48 Adam He's trying to make money for your mom and you, you know?

20:51 Drew That's the bigger part.

20:52 Adam Yeah. Okay. So you've decided to break your lesbian cherry, right?

21:00 Caller Yeah.

21:01 Adam Which I imagine is dimpled like a golf ball. Makes sense.

21:04 Drew Stippled.

21:05 Adam Stippled. And you want, you want tips on oral sex?

21:12 Drew Yes.

21:15 Adam That's just 16.

21:17 Caller Yeah.

21:22 Drew Is that Nicole? I don't know who that is.

21:25 Adam That's one of my, one of my techniques there. Danielle, don't you think, don't you think it's going to make it weird between the two of you if you guys have a physical encounter?

21:37 Caller Not really.

21:38 Drew Might screw up your relationship.

21:40 Caller Not at all.

21:41 Drew Not at all.

21:42 Adam All right. So you, are you guys going to have a sexual encounter tomorrow night, no matter what?

21:49 Caller Pretty much.

21:50 Adam Pretty much. And where are you going? Over to her house? All right. And what, where's her folks?

21:56 Caller Um, I have no clue where her dad is, but her mom's still living out there.

22:01 Adam Oh, okay.

22:02 Drew Joel Smith, no dad.

22:03 Adam Yeah. Her dad and your dad probably somewhere around Florida. That's what I'm guessing.

22:06 Drew Michigan.

22:07 Adam All right. So what kind of tips can we offer? Drew, your fundamental objector to this question?

22:12 Drew Yes. I'm a conscientious objector. I think that you should, you should not be having sex. You're entering a world of chaos. You're beginning your career in chaos.

22:21 Adam All right.

22:21 Drew But right now, and if you want to, lesbian or bi, whatever, but just hold out a couple of years before you start.

22:26 Adam A couple of years. Her dad's not around. She's got to act out. Danielle, what do you want to be when you grow up?

22:34 Caller A lawyer.

22:35 Adam A lawyer. Hold on. Let me check the odds on that one.

22:39 Drew Over, under.

22:41 Adam Well, the sun is going to collide with our planet before she passes the bar. Now, I'm not saying what the odds of that happening are. I'm just saying. That's basically, I just checked my flow chart here, and that's what it said. And not just any media, the sun. Okay. Danielle, your grades good?

23:05 Caller I got B's and C's.

23:06 Adam All right. And you're going to go off to college?

23:09 Caller Yeah.

23:10 Adam Okay.

23:10 Drew How are you going to do that with B's and C's?

23:12 Adam Why? B's. You said B's.

23:15 Drew Not these days.

23:16 Adam All right. You got to get your grades up a little bit. You want to be a lawyer. You got to go to school. You got to get schooling for that.

23:22 Caller I only had one C.

23:24 Drew All right.

23:24 Caller C plus. All right. My dad almost killed me.

23:28 Drew All right.

23:28 Adam Well, let's step that. Well, let me give you some tips so you can get an A in oral. Yeah. For your oral presentation tomorrow. And engineer Michelle, you jump in here. Tell me what flows your boat. I would say, stop me if I'm wrong, but I'm saying it's almost like dancing, like a slow dance. You don't want to push too hard. Here's, actually, you f up in life most of the time when you overcompensate for your nerves and your anxiety by going too hard, and you end up screwing things up. You couldn't go wrong with slow and rhythmic, yes?

24:09 Correct.

24:10 Adam Just, and don't jump all over the place. Establish a little pattern, a little groove, and stick with it, yes?

24:18 Yes. And she's so young. I mean, how do you know they're even going to go that far?

24:22 Drew Or that they even are capable of having an orgasm?

24:24 Exactly. I mean, there's plenty of other things to do.

24:29 Adam Danielle?

24:30 Caller Yes?

24:31 Adam Are you sure, you know, maybe one of you is going to chicken out at some point?

24:36 Caller Well, she's had bi-experiences before.

24:39 Adam Oh, she has?

24:40 Caller Yeah.

24:41 Adam With anyone you know?

24:44 Caller Yeah, another friend of mine.

24:46 Drew All right. Why are you in such a hurry to do all this stuff?

24:50 Caller I have no clue.

24:51 Drew Well, I might think about that.

24:52 Adam Well, I don't know if 16 is considered such a hurry these days.

24:56 Drew 17 is not such a hurry, but 16, you're pushing it along a little bit. And here's the deal. I've yet to meet that woman who didn't say, I wish I'd waited longer for fill in the blank sexually. That woman does not exist.

25:07 Adam Call the vagina blank now?

25:09 Drew Fill in the blank. Yeah, filling in the blank.

25:11 Adam Danielle? Yeah? When are you going to be 17?

25:14 Drew March 15th.

25:16 Adam March 15th. All right. Closer to 17 than she is to 16. Yes, Drew? All right. So what have you learned from me so far? But besides I have a deviated septum.

25:32 Caller Me?

25:33 Adam Yeah, you.

25:36 Drew Oh, boy.

25:37 Caller That my meteor is the sun and.

25:41 Drew Slow down. Slow down. Your meteor is the sun.

25:43 Adam Right.

25:44 Drew OK. That's number one. Why do I bother talking?

25:47 Adam By the way, it's not good enough just to pick two random words from the last 500 that left my mouth, put them together and spit them back at me. It'd be great though if life worked that way.

25:56 Drew My meteor is the sun. And everyone wants to learn.

25:59 Adam That's correct. By the way.

26:01 Drew Lawyer.

26:01 Adam We got a bee stoon on our hands here. Danielle.

26:04 Drew Your meteor is the sun. Well, what else?

26:05 Adam What else have you learned?

26:11 Caller I have a bad memory.

26:13 Adam Okay.

26:13 Drew Yeah. All right.

26:15 Adam All right.

26:15 Drew So why even call if you're not going to remember anything or listen to anything we say?

26:20 Adam Well, what have you learned about my technique for oral sex?

26:24 Caller That you're supposed to go slow.

26:26 Adam All right. All right. What else?

26:30 Caller Make it simple.

26:31 Adam Yeah, that's right. Don't push. Yeah, don't push. Don't push. Reel it in. Yes. Yeah.

26:38 Drew She's going to be good at making it simple.

26:40 Adam Feather light touch. Okay? All right. That's enough for you. And by the way, I don't know we haven't brought it up in the New Year, but nobody receives oral like me.

26:51 Drew That's true.

26:52 Adam Nobody.

26:53 Drew You are a master.

26:55 Adam The best.

26:56 Drew The best.

26:56 Adam And my whole thing is, is fellas, if there's anyone out there that thinks they receive oral better than me, bring it on. Bring it on. He challenged you say when and where and then I'll be there.

27:10 Drew It'll be on.

27:11 Adam It's on.

27:12 Drew You'll be served.

27:14 Adam I, I take all comers.

27:16 Drew So to speak.

27:17 Adam Yes, I do. And there's not a man out there I can't like. They're just this. All right. Let's take a break, Drew.

27:25 Drew Yes, please.

27:26 Adam Drew, but seriously, nobody you know from traveling with me.

27:28 Drew No.

27:28 Adam Nobody. Well, Steve's oral.

27:30 Caller I just know I don't know from traveling.

27:32 Adam You know from traveling. You know from traveling. Well, we get the, the, the suite with the joining door.

27:38 Drew Yeah.

27:38 Adam You know, nobody, nobody receives like the ace man.

27:41 Drew All right.

27:42 Adam Let's take a break. When we come back, multiple orgasm, sex abuse, counseling, sex threesome, threesome. Now, all right. All that, after this. Yeah!

28:13 Caller Woo!

28:15 Adam Get it on, gotta get it on. It's the Loveline, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Raining out here in LA.

28:25 Drew Good boy.

28:26 Adam Yeah.

28:27 Drew Lightning and thunder, you feel that tonight? It's rare out here, but when they hit, it hits with ferocity.

28:33 Adam Yeah. It'd be nice if the thunder came first, and then the lightning give you a little heads up. I know it doesn't work that way, but the lightning always catches you off guard. Then the thunder scares the crap out of you. It would be nice if the thunder came first, and then you'd be like, oh, in about five seconds, we're going to see something pretty good. It came from over there, we're going to take a look over there. Yeah. Pow. In LA, we got the LA River which just gets fired up. It just flows like an MF.

29:04 Drew River cement wash.

29:07 Adam Yeah, it's a cement wash, but it's as much nature as we're going to get. People like to point out, people always like, you know, that was a river, you know, technically it's a river. Yeah. There's a hobo, he's humping a refrigerator box, and there is a shopping cart and some gang riding. Oh, it's a river. Okay. Should we vacation here? It's covered with cyclone, fencing, and barbed wire. It's great looking by the way. All right, but it really gets going.

29:36 Drew Yeah.

29:36 Adam It really gets moving.

29:37 Drew This is all flesh, flood territory. This is the desert we live in. Yeah. So when it rains, it rains like a mother effer. Yeah. Then it just opens up the floods.

29:45 Adam Well, where wouldn't it be that way? So in Seattle, is it different? It rains differently?

29:50 Drew Yeah. It's different. The terrain absorbs it differently.

29:54 Adam Really?

29:54 Drew It's just been raining there for millions of years.

29:58 Adam It goes, it knows where to go.

29:59 Drew Here, it just dumps once a year, and just doesn't know where to go.

30:03 Adam Yeah. It's what happened to me. Are you ready to go?

30:06 Drew You have a dump once a year?

30:08 Adam Once a year, I take a dump, and there's nowhere to go.

30:11 Drew You want to talk to L'Oreal?

30:13 Adam L'Oreal?

30:14 Drew Yeah.

30:16 Adam L'Oreal?

30:17 Good morning.

30:18 Adam You're 30?

30:19 Caller Yes.

30:20 Adam What's happening?

30:22 Caller All right. Here's the deal. I meet a guy. Mind you, I've known him less than a week. Okay. I take a risk. You only live once in life, right? Right. All right. So he's like, I'm in New York, but I live in Montgomery. You want to come down with me, and then we can go to Atlanta and party for New Year's, da-da-da, whatever. Okay, fine.

30:43 Drew Tell us more about this guy. Well, tell us more about the guy. What's he do for a living? How'd you meet him?

30:48 Caller I met him at a club, at a nightclub in DC.

30:52 Caller He was cool.

30:54 Caller I mean, mine, we were drinking.

30:56 Drew What does he do for a living?

30:58 Caller He has a wholesale distributing business. So he has a federal tax ID, which is one of my qualifications.

31:07 Drew What, social security card?

31:11 Adam Is that a social security card?

31:13 Caller No, a federal tax ID when you have your own business or when you own a business. I see. You get the taxes taken out, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

31:19 Adam Right.

31:22 Caller All right. So he seemed like a pretty okay guy to take a trip with. He wasn't like psycho crazy over the telephone. He wasn't like talking me over the telephone.

31:31 Adam No, the guy had a resale number. He had to be a good guy.

31:34 Caller There you go. You can always look up the retail number through his email if I come up and miss it. So, I'll skip all the everything and just get to you.

31:46 Adam No, it's way too late for that. It's way too late for skipping everything.

31:49 Caller We'll go back.

31:50 Adam Go ahead.

31:51 Caller All right. To make a long story short, I just want to say, all right, he pays for a hotel room. He buys my ticket. Now, I said I'd go half with him for my plane ticket back home. Because we were going to drive down to Montgomery and then drive to Atlanta. So, I said, I'll pay for half my airplane ticket, but I need you to get it for me now. So, he paid for my airplane ticket back home 156 bucks.

32:18 Drew Yeah.

32:19 Caller He paid for it. Here we go.

32:22 Drew Here we go, Laurel, come on, let's get to it. So, what happened?

32:24 Caller So, skip over that. My question is, I quit out. We already did it.

32:27 Adam By the way, hold on. You can't say stuff and then say, skip over it.

32:32 Drew She gives us details about the price of the air ticket.

32:35 Adam Yeah.

32:36 Drew And they go, all right, let me skip over it.

32:37 Adam I had a Bremen fare, da-da-da-da-da. We're flying Air West, Terminal 13.

32:43 Drew Saturna 14.

32:44 Adam Saturna 14. Had a Fiesta mix, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Well, now skip over all that. Skip over it. We think we're going to, we can't edit the show on the fly. I wish we could skip over it.

32:58 Drew Yeah.

33:00 Adam L'Oreal.

33:01 Caller My point was it wasn't like it was a, you know.

33:04 Drew All right.

33:04 Adam He spent 156 bucks. What's up? What's the question?

33:07 Drew Here we go.

33:07 Adam Here we go.

33:08 Caller All right. So I put out, right?

33:12 Caller I put out.

33:14 Caller I faked it the whole time because he wasn't satisfying me, right? Oh, no, you didn't.

33:19 Drew And?

33:20 Caller Yes, I did.

33:21 Adam You faked the orgasm, yes.

33:23 Caller Right.

33:23 Which was cool.

33:25 Adam Da-da-da-da-da.

33:26 Caller The next night, he wants some more, so I faked another one.

33:29 Adam All right.

33:30 Caller So my question is, how much sex do you guys need? When is enough, I mean, is there an adequate enough sex for how much you put out?

33:39 Drew I mean, it's an interesting and a pathetic question at the same time. Well, here's, okay, that's a very interesting question.

33:46 Adam Let me, let me, let me say something. Yeah. For me, I have a finite amount. For Drew, it would be like, how much kindling can you throw into a volcano? I answer, I don't know. No one's ever found out. I imagine you would just keep going until your arms fell off.

34:06 Drew It also depends on the circumstances. She's asking for what, an economic exchange per weekend spent?

34:14 Adam Well, $156, yeah. I mean, he should be able to bang you once. If it's a round trip, he can probably nail you twice. But if it's just one way, should get you once. But do you have any interest in this guy?

34:27 Caller I mean, I did until he started acting crazy. And I had to-

34:31 Adam What did he start doing?

34:36 Caller I don't want to generalize. He's from the islands, but he's from Barbados and they tend to have, they're used to being talked to a certain way, like kind of rude and ignorant. But I'm a nice girl. I have my own money. So I really didn't need him to put out. He didn't have any cash, so I would buy food.

34:57 Drew Laurel, stop giving us your interpretations. Just the facts. Stay with the facts.

35:02 Adam So he's from Barbados.

35:04 Caller All right.

35:04 Adam You don't like the guy. You're not getting along with him?

35:07 Caller I liked him until we got together and we were hanging out. And then his whole demeanor was just...

35:14 Drew You don't like him. That's fine.

35:16 Caller Yeah. It's about his truck. It's about his rims. It's about how dark his windows are, how much money he sent his mother.

35:23 Adam Definitely a Jew. Definitely.

35:26 Caller You could say.

35:27 Drew Korean too. All right.

35:29 Adam So what? So you had an experience. He bought you a ticket. You had a little sex. You faked an orgasm. You chalk it up to experience and you move on.

35:36 Caller I know. I'm happy. I had a bop in Atlanta.

35:38 Adam All right.

35:38 Drew That's good. Her question, though, was, why is he what?

35:43 Caller Is there an adequate amount of sex that you guys look for? I'm sorry. I know you guys. That men look for when they put out a certain amount of money.

35:51 Drew No. I don't think there's a sort of universal sex exchange. However, I would think a guy, there's a potential there when a guy, when you accept to go away with a week for a weekend with a guy, he's thinking sex fest. Yeah. He's thinking all weekend. Whatever that means to him, that's what he figures is going to happen.

36:09 Adam I hook up with women oftentimes where the vagina stops working if you don't keep feeding quarters into it. So it's like a vibrating pad.

36:17 Drew So you can just stop in the quarters and when you're done.

36:18 Adam Yeah. But I'll come in a couple of hundred dollars worth of quarters.

36:21 Drew That's the universal exchange in your pillowcase.

36:23 Adam Well, just keep feeding quarters into it. It's awesome. Then pull their arm and see if they pay off. Because that's huge. You think we're going to actually give her a number? Well, yeah, 456 humps per. Up and down is one. Now you could break that off in the 10th session.

36:43 Drew So we're just doing euros. Oh, it's five to one. It's yeah.

36:47 Adam Now here's the thing. You could go to a bar, buy a chick one drink and get anal. Or you could take a chick to Europe and get nothing for two weeks.

36:57 Drew Guys are used to that. We don't like it, but we're used to that kind of thing.

37:00 Adam We understand that it varies from crotch to crotch. But here's the thing.

37:05 Drew Across this great land.

37:07 Adam I think ladies, when you agree to go out of town with a guy, you're agreeing to sex.

37:14 Drew Absolutely, yes. Now you're gonna have a guy that's gonna be going insane.

37:18 Adam Unless he paints it differently, unless you were supposed to be friends up until then, and you're going to someone's wedding and he does that, should we just stay together, save ourselves a buck?

37:28 Drew No, no, no, no.

37:29 Adam If he's doing that.

37:30 Drew If you're staying in the same room, it's game on.

37:33 Adam Yes, but I'm just saying there are circumstances out there. I'm just saying if you go out of town with a guy, especially a guy you don't know very well, expect he expects sex.

37:47 Drew All right?

37:48 Adam How much? That'll depend on how it goes the first time.

37:51 Drew And also, right, and what his sort of rhythm is, his energy.

37:55 Adam All right. And listen, just play the period card if it doesn't go well. You know what I mean? Not, Drew, it's like great, don't have to use the lube. Drew, that's a big day. Drew's like, yeah, better yet. Well, great, now I'll go down on you. That's true, Stank. For me, it would work. Yeah, Drew, you could, no matter what card you play, period card, diarrhea card, prolapse rectum card. It doesn't matter. Yeah, Drew's still good. Prolapse rectum? Okay, let's dim the light. That's Drew's answer to that. Passionate, passionate, man. Let's take a break, Drew.

38:41 Caller Yeah.

38:42 Adam We'll speak to Will when we come back. Just had sex for the first time, lasted seven hours, didn't finish. All that after this.

38:51 Caller Hello. This is Loveline. 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline will be right back.

39:11 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191. You know what my New Year's rezo is, Drew?

39:21 Drew Stop smoking, stop your medicine, wine that is, lose weight, exercise more, be a good person, make more money, get a better job.

39:28 Adam No, no, you know what it is? More stretching, stretch more. Because I'm convinced when you're on your deathbed and you think back, what should I've really, what should I've done more of?

39:39 Drew Stretching.

39:40 Adam Stretch. Yeah. Yeah. Stretching will be good. Think of, Drew.

39:44 Drew Drew. You're right.

39:45 Adam Drew. What if.

39:47 Drew Balance training.

39:47 Adam What if a person, what kind of training?

39:50 Drew Balance training.

39:51 Adam Balance training. What is that?

39:53 Drew As you get older, your balance gets all screwed up.

39:55 Adam Oh yeah? Yeah. All right. What if every morning some chick in a unitard showed up like one of those black, you know, good looking but flat chested in a unitard showed up at your house every morning just stretched your ass for like 40 minutes?

40:09 Drew Be good.

40:10 Adam You know what I mean?

40:11 Drew Yeah, it'd help.

40:13 Adam And then whipped you up a smoothie and then I gave you a BJ.

40:16 Drew Okay.

40:17 Adam And then snapped in the ass with a towel on your way to work.

40:21 Drew Fantastic.

40:22 Adam Yeah.

40:22 Drew That's my idea of the good life.

40:23 Adam That would be a great ritual.

40:25 Drew Yeah.

40:26 Adam Will?

40:27 Caller Yeah.

40:28 Adam You're 18?

40:28 Drew Here we go, Will.

40:29 Adam Here we go. What's up?

40:31 Caller Like, I've known my girlfriend for like two, two and a half months and just recently had an intercourse with her and like I couldn't finish and like, actually Saturday night.

40:49 Drew This is the bogus call that he's building up to here.

40:52 Caller Actually Saturday night, she was able to get me to finish.

40:57 Drew Have you recalled the show before?

40:59 Caller No, I haven't.

41:00 Drew He sounds like that guy that goes, Um, um, yeah, all right.

41:06 Caller So like the truth.

41:08 Drew OK, that that that him.

41:12 Adam Yeah, I don't know. That was anderson.

41:15 Drew No, no, but I mean, that's him.

41:16 Adam I don't know. Drew, you remember that you remember our calls.

41:21 Drew I know.

41:22 Adam Let me tell you something. When I leave the studio, I shake my head like an etch a sketch and everything's gone.

41:26 Drew I know.

41:27 Adam Every night.

41:28 Drew I know.

41:29 Adam Gone.

41:29 Drew I know.

41:29 Adam Erased.

41:30 Drew Yes. I've noticed you do that about four times a day.

41:33 Adam And then every once in a while, someone goes, hey, remember last night? And I go, shh, shh, my pretty, don't speak, don't speak. I don't want to, I don't ever want to talk about the show.

41:42 Drew Well, so what's the question?

41:44 Adam Yeah. What is the question?

41:45 Caller Um, I would, like, I don't know what would be wrong with me not being able to finish in Climax.

41:53 Adam You said she did get you to finish, though, the following night.

41:57 Caller The following night.

41:59 Adam All right, so there's nothing wrong with you.

42:02 Caller What I don't get is, like, why I can't finish, like, in the original night.

42:08 Drew You're gay. All right. Well, look, they ain't got nervousness.

42:12 Adam Will, please. Will, what's your future hold for you, by the way? What are you doing? You're planning on junior college? What are you working toward?

42:21 Caller Working toward getting a certification in autobody.

42:27 Drew Good.

42:28 Adam Good man. That's what I like, going to tech school, right? Yeah. You'll be pulling dents, spreading bondo.

42:38 Drew Will, you're just nervous that first night. Anxiety works against you if you're on a medication, sometimes that'll work against if you're doing drugs or stimulants or alcohol, that all works against your father.

42:46 Adam Now, see, now I'm in love with Will.

42:50 Drew Yeah, you're fine with Will. We're at peace with him.

42:52 Adam Yeah. I don't want him wasting all the taxpayer's money in his time, in society's time by going to junior college.

42:57 Drew No, you're right.

42:57 Adam He's going to work on auto-

42:58 Drew I'm persuaded.

42:59 Adam Yeah.

43:00 Drew I'm coming around to your way of looking at the world.

43:02 Adam You know what I like? I like any commercial. I watch a lot of late night infomercials. Anyone that has to do with pulling dents or fixing dings in cars, because the beginning, first they show you how you get a ding.

43:15 Drew accident.

43:15 Adam They show shopping carts hitting your car. They show other cars in your car, as if you could never imagine it. Like, my imagination is not wild enough to ever picture how a car could possibly get a dent or a ding. I don't know what you're talking about.

43:30 Drew Confusing.

43:31 Adam If you said, you know those dings and dents you got in your car?

43:34 Drew They would have shown me a picture, because I wouldn't know what they were talking about.

43:36 Adam I wouldn't know what they meant. It's the same thing with the cold commercials. I must see a guy sneezing with a red nose is miserable. So I can actually see what a cold is. Otherwise, I'd have no reference point. Cold? Does that mean it's cold inside his house? I don't know. I would get confused and shut the TV. Have to wrap a hot towel around my head to stop the sounds from coming in. But the first part of the commercial for these infomercials, like the Ding Doctors and stuff, first is, oh, those annoying dance. They show car doors opening into your car door and shopping cards. They happen everywhere and they're expensive. Then my favorite part, now you got the mechanic, he's smoking the cigar. Smoking cigar. He's got the hat, but the brim is turned up and you're paying him. He's laughing. There's a huge pile of cash on his hand, and he's blowing cigar smoke in your face and he keeps laughing. And his take is like, oh no, no, keep it coming. As if you guys never agreed on a price, like how much to fix my fender? Two pounds of money. I'll just hold my hand out and I'll laugh and blow cigar smoke in your face. And by the way, yeah, like you show up to get your car with an attache case with like 35 grand worth of 20s.

44:48 Drew By the way, what a great way to run a business. I'm sure it's thriving.

44:52 Adam That's just laughing, laughing and blowing smoke in your face. Keep it coming. Keep it coming. Yeah. As if they aren't all unsettled by insurance guys cutting checks. But I just, I just love that cash is peeling it off. Just another guy's like, is that enough? No, no, just keep going. I'll tell you when to stop. I'll tell you when to stop. Yeah. Right. But that's what it's like. That's what it's like when you work at a body shop, Drew. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's good. You just blow a cigar, smoke a guy's faces and you laugh maniacally while they peel off 20s and put them in your hand. And when it weighs so much, you can't hold your arm out anymore. No, you take a rest. And then it's more 20s and then you stop. And you got a customer for life. That's how it works. All right. Where are we going, Drew?

45:38 Drew Rachel.

45:39 Adam Oh, those dings.

45:42 Drew Got 40 seconds.

45:43 Adam Oh, those dings. Look at that. I would say, look, any commercial I'm making, I don't care if it's a cold medicine or dings, we don't need to spend the first goddamn half of the commercial explaining what happens when you get a ding or get a cold. Let's just get on to the product. You know what I'm saying?

46:00 Drew Yeah.

46:00 Adam Who decided, by the way, that every one of these products had to spend the first half of the commercial showing nothing? I would just get the product in immediately.

46:09 Drew Yeah.

46:09 Adam I don't need to see a whole set up.

46:11 Drew By the way, with TiVo and stuff now, you just want to have a blinking light with your product.

46:15 Adam You know, what's crazy about TiVo now is I realize that there's certain commercials that I fast forwarded through 1800 times and I still have no idea what it is. And once in a while, after 1800 times, I'll stop and watch it just to say, what is that for? I saw that idiot. I fast forwarded through that idiot 1000 times. I have no idea what it is. Yes, with TiVo, you should just have a graphic of your product name flashing. Yeah? And some cleavage. Show some cleavage because I'm going to stop. I say cleavage, I'll stop. All right. Let's take ourselves a quick break, Drew. Speak to Rachel when we come back.

46:52 Drew Yeah.

46:52 Adam Had sex at 11 with a 17-year-old?

46:55 Drew I'm thinking about, now she thinks she's sexually addicted. I think maybe put Michelle and Rachel together because Michelle's a survivor of sexual abuse who went through that whole thing in line one there. It'd be interesting to talk to both of them.

47:04 Adam Yeah. I thought we have an engineer named Michelle too. It becomes confusing. All right, Drew, we'll clear that up. We'll be right back after this. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

47:55 Caller A little show called Loveline.

47:56 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. decided we should play for the first time this year, Ace's Ranchero, Mexican Accordion Countdown.

48:08 Drew 05 edition.

48:09 Adam Oh yeah, and this is going to be big.

48:12 Caller Ace's Ranchero Countdown, no good. You don't like that game.

48:16 Drew You need like John madden to announce it, you know what I mean?

48:19 Adam Yeah, the 05 edition of Ace's Mexican Ranchero Accordion Countdown. Strong and back, back with a vengeance this year. Let's take a phone call and then let's play the countdown, Drew. Maybe we should keep track. See who does what this year, you know what I mean?

48:38 Drew The 05 challenge.

48:39 Adam It's never going to happen.

48:40 Drew Of course not.

48:41 Adam Rachel?

48:42 Caller Yes?

48:42 Adam You're 13?

48:43 Caller Yes.

48:45 Adam You had sex with a 17-year-old when you were 11.

48:48 Caller Yes.

48:49 Drew So you were raped, effectively. That's sexual abuse at 11.

48:54 Caller Well, no, we were kind of going together, kind of.

48:58 Drew I know, Rachel, but the 11-year-old isn't... First of all, 11-year-old and 17-year-old is weird. You can see that now even as a 13-year-old. Think about 11-year-old. They have 13-year-old even.

49:08 Adam They were committed, Drew.

49:10 Drew And 11-year-old having sex with anybody is sexual abuse, period. Even another 11-year-old, even at night.

49:17 Adam Yeah.

49:17 Drew A haunted house she lives in.

49:19 Caller No, I closed my door.

49:20 Adam Even like a Tickle Me Elmo was wrong. 11.

49:23 Drew Right. Right.

49:24 Adam Okay.

49:25 Drew So, sexual abuse at 11 and that is, then you get the usual consequences often of that, which is sexual acting out of various types or shutting down sexually or fluctuating back and forth between those two states.

49:40 Adam What's going wrong in your life?

49:42 Caller Well, see, my mom, she's a hooker. I kind of walked into her when she was doing one of her jobs or something.

49:50 Caller And oh my goodness.

49:52 Adam Is that her?

49:53 Caller And what happened was that ever since that, like I told my boyfriend what happened.

49:58 Adam Hold on. Hold on. Rachel. Next year for Christmas, I'm getting you a muzzle and some WD-40.

50:05 Drew Which was the dog and which was the door?

50:07 Adam Please spray those hinges. Go ahead and put a little while on those hinges.

50:10 Drew Rachel, stop walking through your house while you're talking to us.

50:13 Caller No, I was sitting down and my little cousin brought the dog in my room.

50:16 Drew I see.

50:17 Adam Okay. It's bad when you live with your cousin, by the way.

50:20 Drew Okay. Well, mom's a hooker. You were traumatized walking in on her. And then you really sort of, it's messed with your sense of boundaries and propriety. And of course, you didn't know that at 11 as a child, you shouldn't be acting out sexually. And that's what happens from that kind of thing.

50:35 Adam What's the plan now, Rachel?

50:38 Caller I see the reason why I called is because I think that I need help. And I think that that's not cool because I've been with like eight other people.

50:45 Drew Yeah, that's not cool. That's not cool.

50:48 Adam Wait, is your mom still hooking?

50:50 Caller I yeah, like I think she's a stripper now.

50:54 Adam You think she's a stripper, but you don't know?

50:55 Caller She's never. Yeah, she's never really at home.

50:58 Drew Did any of the people that she brought around ever sexually abuse you when you were even younger than 11?

51:02 Caller No.

51:04 Adam Refreshing.

51:05 Drew Although seeing them. Wow.

51:09 Adam Yeah.

51:10 Drew By the way, that her mom, when we talk to her, I'm a great mom. I'm a perfect mom. That's how she describes herself.

51:17 Adam Yeah. How dare you. What's the deal, Rachel? You guys live in an apartment, you go to junior high.

51:25 Caller We live in an apartment and I go to La Tijera Boulevard, middle school. Can you get out of my room?

51:33 Caller Can you get out of my room?

51:35 Adam Or can you boil the hinges? Why is your cousin living with you?

51:40 Caller Because, see, I'm at my cousin's house right now. My mom didn't come home for like two days.

51:47 Drew Well, first of all, Rachel, it sounds like Child Protective Services needs to be involved in your life a little bit. Department of Social Services, because your mom is-

51:55 Caller Yeah, because they already have been like, I'm always in trouble kind of in school.

51:59 Drew Well, no doubt, but it's not, it's this and this life, the world you're living in is catastrophic.

52:06 Caller My aunt is trying to get custody of me right now.

52:08 Drew Well, she should get it.

52:11 Adam Yeah. Why don't you help her in that cause?

52:14 Drew Why don't you just stay with the aunt and just don't even deal with your mom for a while?

52:17 Caller Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do right now.

52:18 Drew That's sad, but it's the real-

52:20 Adam What's your aunt do?

52:22 Caller My aunt.

52:23 Adam Yeah.

52:23 Caller She doesn't have a job right now.

52:24 Adam Oh, okay.

52:25 Caller Her husband. She lives with her husband.

52:27 Adam She lives with her husband. All right. So they have a family.

52:31 Drew Yes.

52:32 Adam So, Rachel.

52:34 Drew Rachel, don't they offer you-

52:35 Adam Hold on a second. Rachel? Yes.

52:38 Caller Okay.

52:40 Drew It's a dog.

52:41 Adam It's a dog. Okay. Listen to me, would you please? Your mom is, I'm sure, a drug addict, and that's unfortunate. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It's just that she's not prepared.

52:52 Drew She's a sick person.

52:53 Adam She's sick and she can't take care of you right now.

52:55 Drew But you may have inherited some of this predisposition to be addicted, and now you've been traumatized, and you have all these problems of being exposed, this stuff and being abused by 17 older kids. You do need to get some help. You're right. That's your way ahead of the game by acknowledging that, understanding that, and looking for help. At 13, boy.

53:14 Adam Where do you go?

53:16 Drew I mean, if she hadn't, I would hope the school and social services would be sort of referring her on to appropriate kinds of care.

53:22 Adam Our society is not as interested in this kind of thing as one would think.

53:26 Drew Let's ask her if they've referred her.

53:28 Adam All right.

53:30 Drew Rachel.

53:30 Caller Yes.

53:31 Drew Has social services ever offered you any kind of treatment?

53:34 Caller I take counseling.

53:35 Drew Okay. So that's the kind of treatment we're talking about. Do you talk to your counselor about what you're telling us tonight?

53:41 Caller Yeah.

53:42 Drew All right. There are 12-step groups out of there. You're awfully young to be sort of embracing a program of recovery, but God knows if you're really willing to. There are things out there. Most of the teenage-oriented programs are for codependency programs like adult children of alcoholics, alatein, that kind of thing. You could attend those sorts of programs, get a sponsor, work steps, or you could actually go to a 12-step program, but you want to go with an adult.

54:06 Adam Well, Rachel, here's what you need to do. You're smart, there's nothing wrong with you. You got a bad hand dealt to you. You need to stay with your counseling. Get that, let your aunt get custody of you. Yes. You need to oil those goddamn hinges.

54:24 Drew Oil the hinges, get the muzzle for the dog, and don't act on these crazy impulses you have. Contain, contain, contain. Don't think things that are going to be good, enjoyable, and fun are, don't trust yourself on that front.

54:35 Adam Right. Yeah. Then as a society, you know, the fact that we don't, we sort of understand intellectually the connection between the junkie hooker mom and the poverty and all that, and the screwed up kid who's crapping out the kids at 15, and getting raped at 13, and all that. We sort of understand the thread between the two of those, but not so much that we're actually going to do anything about it.

55:01 Drew Well, again, we want to make it her problem, we want to make it a weakness, we want to make it a moral problem. Right. This is mental illness.

55:11 Adam Yeah.

55:11 Drew Of sorts.

55:12 Adam Yes.

55:13 Drew At least behavioral disturbances.

55:14 Adam Yeah, and I've never...

55:16 Drew It's a brain, it's a brain disorder.

55:18 Adam Never heard a politician ever really discuss it in any way, shape, or form. They say stuff like, we got to have disenfranchised people out here that need us. We're going to do something for them. We're not going to leave them behind. But that's just a bunch of BS lip service. I don't even know what they're talking about. It would be interesting if someone was in charge, who could set a little policy to focus on these folks, so we could go ahead and enjoy our society. Yes.

55:44 Drew And help the suffering. That's helping the suffering.

55:47 Adam Yeah.

55:48 Drew Not throw a bunch of money at them.

55:50 Adam Yeah.

55:50 Drew They'll spend that on crazy things.

55:52 Caller Yeah.

55:53 Adam All right, Drew.

55:54 Drew Yeah.

55:55 Adam Let's play some Ace's Ranchero Accordion Mexican Countdown.

55:58 Drew Please, I need it. It's going to weigh in to 05. Uplift. Yeah. Hit.

56:03 Adam All right. Now, engineer Michelle has the Ranchero music over there. I know she's good, so she's cued up already. You want to...

56:12 Drew And she has good Ranchero music too. Real Ranchero.

56:16 Adam You want to venture a guess?

56:17 Drew Four seconds.

56:19 Adam Four seconds.

56:21 Drew I was going to go instant.

56:24 Adam Four seconds.

56:25 Drew That's tough. Michelle's got that poker face too going. She's up to something. She's picked a spot in a song. I can tell.

56:32 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Four seconds. I'm going under.

56:39 Drew That's a good bet. I bet you.

56:40 Adam I'm going three. Because we're keeping we're keeping tracking on five. All right. Let me let me see what the clock is. All right. You ready, Michelle? All right. Five, four, three, two, one.

57:09 Drew I almost thought I heard a whiff of something before.

57:13 Adam It sounded like it.

57:14 Drew Yeah.

57:15 Adam It was like-

57:15 Drew I feel like the fingers were getting near the accordion.

57:19 Adam It was like, someone cook an accordion, it smells something.

57:23 Drew This is now, this is the music I love. This is the one that reminds me of the winter.

57:27 Adam We all love it.

57:28 Drew Maple syrup, covered bridges. Vermont, leaves changing.

57:34 Caller Yeah.

57:35 Adam Yeah, it's like- Yeah, it's like one of those Kincaid paintings. Waterwheel. Yeah. Drew, you know, I speak a little Spanish, I can translate.

57:50 Drew Oh yeah, please.

57:54 Adam The young man laments the fact that no one has killed him yet. He's begging someone in the audience to be man enough to stand up and kill him so he can stop hearing.

58:06 Drew No, no. He killed the accordion player.

58:07 Adam He wants to kill himself though. And then the accordion player.

58:11 Drew Yeah, in that order.

58:13 Adam And he's actually then going to have to run over the accordion because he'll keep playing.

58:17 Caller Oh, yeah.

58:18 Adam He's saying, please make him stop. Please make him stop. Someone please build a time machine, go back and kill his parents so he would never be born. Bill, go back and kill Ferdinand Accordion. Yes, the man who invented the accordion. Yeah, go build a time machine. Yeah, he's singing about building a time machine, going back and killing the man who invented the accordion.

58:41 Drew Johan Accordion.

58:42 Adam Johan Accordion. Ferdinand working for it. To not your idea.

58:51 Drew To not German.

58:56 Adam Yeah, I made him Mexican. That's my call, Drew. You come up with your own stuff, you fix mine.

59:02 Drew That's right.

59:06 Adam Kill me, kill me. Somebody, somebody with the guts, somebody with huevos, so balls come out of their eyes. They'll kill me. Push it through my heart. And the accordion died. That's the time machine part. He's just repeating himself now. He potted down. I didn't know those people hated their own accordion as much as we did.

59:27 Drew He has to perform all the time with that thing.

59:29 Adam Yeah, it's got to be driving him insane.

59:30 Drew He's human. All right. Is it a robot or something?

59:33 Adam Actually, I actually had it happen again this morning. I went down in the garage. The rain was just teeming rain. I was standing in the bathrobe in my garage. Ozzy was there. Half a boner. Ozzy was there doing something wrong. And well, here's what it sounded like. Pod it up there, Michelle. Yeah, this is good. Ozzy, I told you that we're doing a stucco. We're going to finish it off with a metal trowel finish and not a sponge finish. Can you turn the music down?

1:00:17 Caller Turn it off.

1:00:18 Caller Turn the music off.

1:00:23 Adam That's what it sounds like every single morning at my house.

1:00:27 Drew Oh my.

1:00:28 Adam You just want to kill. If you hear that S before like noon, you just want to strangle whoever's next to you. If that S is playing when you're trying to formulate any kind of thought, even the simplest of thoughts, it's immediately, it's like your head is like one of those, it's like a priest spinning around one of those things with the bingo, with the bingo ping pong balls. But you can't get anything. It's like nothing will grab, nothing will take, everything's slipping, there's no traction. You're like, you can't think of, you can't, it's music that's, I don't know how people can drive and listen to that music.

1:01:09 Drew Yeah, it's some sort of real laser, tractor mind beam.

1:01:12 Adam Yeah, it's really, it sucks thoughts. Here's, you concentrate about as well as you would if someone's flashing a strobe light in your face and just blaring an air horn. Like you just, you can't formulate a thought, you can't come up with a sentence.

1:01:27 Drew It's too stimulating.

1:01:28 Adam And all you can do is get angry.

1:01:30 Drew That you're not there knowingly in the wintertime.

1:01:32 Adam That's right.

1:01:33 Drew It's just envy, overwhelm with it.

1:01:35 Adam All right. You ready to rock here, Drew?

1:01:37 Drew Yeah, let's go.

1:01:38 Adam Alex? Alex?

1:01:42 Drew 72 minutes. I bet he's asleep.

1:01:44 Adam Think he's asleep?

1:01:45 Drew Yeah.

1:01:45 Adam 15. Smokes a lot of pot. All right. Well, you can hang on then. Jessica?

1:01:54 Caller Yes.

1:01:55 Adam 17?

1:01:56 Caller Yes.

1:01:57 Adam What's happening?

1:01:59 Caller My boyfriend can't get it in.

1:02:05 Drew Well, you're 17, but you sound about 9. 8, 9, yeah. Why would that be?

1:02:13 Caller I don't know because I sound young, I guess.

1:02:16 Adam Let me write that.

1:02:17 Drew You got that?

1:02:18 Adam Jessica?

1:02:20 Caller Yes.

1:02:20 Adam Before we continue, I would like you to say the phrase, more jello, please.

1:02:26 More jello, please.

1:02:28 Drew No, with gusto, with verve.

1:02:30 Adam She's going to say with gusto actually. Drew? What? Jessica?

1:02:36 Caller Yes.

1:02:37 Adam I need you to say more jello, please, and say it with energy. Say it like you really want some more jello. All right? And action.

1:02:46 More jello, please.

1:02:48 Adam All right.

1:02:49 More jello, please.

1:02:50 Adam There. That's an example of more jello, please. That was a 46-year-old woman, by the way. Let's do it one more time and really not with a question mark. All right?

1:03:02 Caller OK.

1:03:03 Adam Three, two, one, action.

1:03:06 More jello, please.

1:03:08 Drew She's actually matured as we've...

1:03:09 Adam She actually has.

1:03:10 Drew So I'm backing away from my initial impression of her.

1:03:13 Adam And by the way, that was exactly the same as the second one. But that's all right.

1:03:19 Drew All right.

1:03:20 Adam Let's move forward.

1:03:21 Drew Jessica, so you're having trouble with penetration, right?

1:03:24 Caller Yes.

1:03:25 Drew Have you ever... Now she's reverting again. Have you ever had that problem before?

1:03:30 Caller No.

1:03:31 Caller Not the first time.

1:03:32 Drew Not the first time.

1:03:34 Caller Yeah, I've only had sex once before.

1:03:36 Drew And so, yes. All right. So more often than not, this is caused by being nervous or anxious. And are you sure you're ready to be doing this?

1:03:46 Caller Yes.

1:03:47 Adam Okay.

1:03:48 Drew A little bit tentative there on the yes.

1:03:49 Adam Are you in love with your boyfriend?

1:03:51 Caller Yes.

1:03:52 Caller I've known him for nine years.

1:03:54 Drew How old is he?

1:03:55 Adam Nine years.

1:03:56 Drew Seventeen also.

1:03:57 Adam Nine years is one of those things when you're 17, that's a sort of creepier than nine months.

1:04:01 Drew Yeah.

1:04:02 Adam You know what I mean?

1:04:03 Drew You're in kindergarten together.

1:04:04 Adam Yeah.

1:04:05 Drew Second grade. Well, Jessica, again, it's about being nervous. There is something called vaginismus, which can be something transient and be caused by being anxious and nervous. And it's something that people have chronic.

1:04:16 Adam It's also a black holiday.

1:04:18 Drew Yes. That people think is caused perhaps by a spinal reflex. There are treatments for that. If you look down the web, the various ways of approaching it. But more than anything, it's about relaxing, not being nervous, using some lubricant, not pushing too hard, as we said earlier tonight. And that's about all you can do. Yeah.

1:04:34 Adam I don't know.

1:04:35 Drew Your body's telling you something, though. You may not be ready for this. Well, maybe.

1:04:39 Adam Who isn't anxious the first time or two?

1:04:42 Drew Yeah.

1:04:42 Adam And then when you're anxious, it's sort of you're at your worst. You just are.

1:04:47 Drew No matter what you're doing.

1:04:49 Adam No. I know and I've often wondered that. You know what I mean?

1:04:53 Drew That was God's plan with that?

1:04:55 Adam Yeah. And think about this for a second, Drew. Think about this. Dig on this for a second. Would you dig on this?

1:05:02 Drew dude.

1:05:03 Adam And Michelle, you dig on this too, baby. Think about this. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that anxiety and how they perform with that anxiety on first things, job interviews, first dates. You know what I mean?

1:05:22 Drew So it's not about the relative amount of anxiety. It's how they tolerate it and perform with it.

1:05:27 Adam I don't know if in fact it's not there or it's as high a level as it is with somebody who spazzes out and they just have ways of coping with it. But think about it this way. Most people who are going out for the same job would probably make the same employee, but it's the impression they make in the 20 minutes they're sitting in the office.

1:05:50 Drew Right.

1:05:50 Adam Nervous, sweaty, fidgety, always nervous, talking too much, overcompensating. That guy doesn't get the gig. That guy could very well be a better employee than the other guy who aces the employee. And often with first dates it's sort of the same thing.

1:06:06 Drew It's true. Interesting point.

1:06:08 Adam And if you really take life, especially for a male, because for a female, we're either in the or we're not.

1:06:14 Drew Yeah.

1:06:15 Adam You know what I mean?

1:06:15 Drew Is that alarm going off again?

1:06:17 Adam Yeah. It went off this time last night, didn't it? I'm going to start blaming someone other than me, so. Drew's looking like he man's creeping into his mind, like, oh, something. Little smoke detector action. All right. Here's the thing, Drew.

1:06:33 Caller Yeah.

1:06:34 Adam See, we had this alarm. Wait a minute. I'm taking my headphones off.

1:06:37 Drew All right. Go ahead.

1:06:38 Adam Oh, it's in here.

1:06:38 Drew It's in the room. Oh.

1:06:39 Adam Oh, it's in the room.

1:06:40 Drew Oh, yeah. We got to find it.

1:06:41 Adam Go find it. I swear to Christ, Drew, did it stop the second? No. Did it stop the- Drew, did it stop the second? We took our headphones off last night. We sat here last night, ladies and gentlemen, and listened to this noise that was distracting us in the studio. We have headsets on, or as I call them in the business, cans. But we had the headphones on, and we're sitting here- It's down here.

1:07:08 Drew All right.

1:07:08 Adam Look, it's not a bomb, you idiot. Just make it stop. You don't have to knock stuff over.

1:07:12 Drew All right.

1:07:13 Adam What is it, Drew? Here's the part of life that I'm interested in, Drew. Can you hear me? We sat here for 10 minutes listening to what sounds like an alarm going off, like about a clock, like a watch alarm or a little egg timer alarm going off, and couldn't tell whether it was coming through our headphones or it was actually here in the studio. So we, at one point, after finally getting fed up and listening to it for 10 minutes, we said, let's take our headphones off and see if we can hear it without the headphones on, and the very second, and we were here, this very second the headphones came off, it stopped. Therefore, we thought it wasn't in the studio.

1:07:55 Drew Either it had stopped the second we pulled our headphones off, or it was electronic and not in the studio.

1:08:00 Adam It was coming through the headphones, but not in the studio.

1:08:03 Drew Well, tonight...

1:08:04 Adam It wasn't a two-second difference. You understand that? It wasn't a full second difference.

1:08:09 Drew And we both did it simultaneously.

1:08:11 Adam And it stopped the millisecond. All right. What was I complaining about, Drew? Yes. Here's what I'm saying, everybody. It's how you cope with, deal with that anxiety.

1:08:23 Drew Nobody's a more anxious person than me.

1:08:25 Adam Nobody. No.

1:08:28 Drew And yet I can focus that and manage it and do things with it. You know what I mean?

1:08:32 Adam Well, you've learned to write.

1:08:33 Drew So it's not about the relative amount of anxiety necessarily, though certainly I'd probably function better when I'm less anxious.

1:08:40 Adam Yes, you do.

1:08:41 Drew It's about just how you manage it when you are anxious and being able to manage anxiety itself. Bring it down.

1:08:47 Adam Right.

1:08:48 Drew It's both.

1:08:48 Adam It would be a very important thing to teach your sons.

1:08:54 Drew Well, you know what? I'll tell you something. As long as we're getting philosophical here.

1:08:58 Adam I don't know how you do it, but...

1:08:59 Drew Well, I happen to believe that the most... one of the key accomplishments of a competent self is the capacity for emotional regulation, to regulate moment to moment. So the intensity and the duration of feeling states are tolerable. So you don't always feel overwhelmed and out of control and miserable and chaotic. Then you become a drug addict. That's the most common reason people do drugs. But if you can regulate your feelings, then what you're talking about is something you can accomplish.

1:09:29 Adam And as far as life goes in a successful life versus an unsuccessful life, it will break down into a handful of events, a handful of first dates, a handful of job interviews, a handful of trial, you know, test this, it's essentially baseball players making a trip to the plate, but you're only playing two or three games in the course of your life, and you're only going to come up to the plate eight or ten times.

1:09:59 Drew Well, this has been your philosophy forever.

1:10:00 Adam It doesn't matter how much power you have.

1:10:02 Drew It doesn't matter. Be good when you need to be, but rarely.

1:10:05 Adam Then you can coax.

1:10:09 Drew Yes, yes.

1:10:10 Adam But you got to show up and you got to put out.

1:10:13 Caller Yes.

1:10:14 Adam I mean, you go out and knock a chick's socks off on your first date. You're good for a couple of dates. Now, you can try to strangle her with a stocking and rape her the next date.

1:10:27 Drew Which is your usual.

1:10:28 Adam That's for the third date. That's for the third date. Now, and the same with the job interview. You blow somebody away. You got a job. Now, you can do drugs, steal copier toner and eventually get fired from that job, but you'll get that job. There may be guys that would perform that job much better than you, who were a little too up in their head, a little too nervous, a little too spastic, and screwed the job interview. Yes? That's it. That's the key. That's what they don't teach you.

1:10:55 Caller All right.

1:10:57 Adam Where are we, Drew?

1:10:57 Drew We're taking a break.

1:10:58 Adam We're taking a break?

1:10:59 Drew Yeah. All right.

1:11:00 Adam Let's not screw this up.

1:11:01 Drew No, no. Now we got to be good.

1:11:03 Adam We got to be good. I got a urine. My urine stream has to be so laser beam straight into that urinal.

1:11:09 Drew Don't worry. Mine's going to be straight.

1:11:11 Adam All right. We'll be right back after this. Yeah, got to get it on, buddy. When are we going to get it on?

1:11:34 Drew I don't know.

1:11:36 Adam You can stop me from getting it on.

1:11:38 Drew Yeah.

1:11:38 Adam Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191. I'm Adam. That's Drew. It's Loveline. Jenny?

1:11:45 Drew Yeah.

1:11:46 Adam Yeah. She's been on the hole for 94 minutes.

1:11:49 Drew There's one for 99 up there.

1:11:51 Adam Oh, really? Yeah. Is it a dude?

1:11:53 Drew Michelle, I'm one.

1:11:54 Adam That sounds like a dude's name. Jenny?

1:11:58 Caller Yeah.

1:11:59 Adam You're 17?

1:12:00 Caller Yeah.

1:12:02 Adam Says here you've been, let's see, says over 50 guys have left you for someone else?

1:12:10 Caller Yeah.

1:12:11 Adam Over 50?

1:12:13 Caller Well, that's just a mile marker.

1:12:17 Adam So that's a light estimate, 50?

1:12:20 Caller Yeah. I should stop counting after that.

1:12:23 Adam Have left you. Wow. It's a lot of rambling going on over there.

1:12:28 Drew By the way, if a guy is going to leave, the probability is he's going to leave and then be with somebody else. You know what I'm saying?

1:12:35 Adam Yeah.

1:12:35 Drew And the guy's that age, it's... Yeah. You can build a case every time a guy leaves and then gets another girlfriend that he left for someone else.

1:12:44 Adam Yeah. There's no rambling song where the guy goes, it's rambling time, I got to beat off alone.

1:12:52 Drew And nap.

1:12:52 Adam And nap. No, he's got to keep moving on.

1:12:55 Drew It's another girl.

1:12:56 Adam He got another town, another woman. He wishes he could stay, but he can't, Drew.

1:13:01 Drew He's a rambling man.

1:13:02 Adam He is. Jenny?

1:13:03 Drew Unless he's an African-American guy, then he's a rolling stone.

1:13:05 Adam He's a rolling stone. Black guys rolling. They roll, white guys ramble. Mexican guys, they squat. They don't go anywhere. They're stocky. They hang out. They hang out. You know what I mean? Family men.

1:13:18 Drew Yeah.

1:13:19 Adam There's no rambling Mexican guys.

1:13:21 Drew No.

1:13:21 Adam No, they'll hang in. They're in for a long haul. Jenny? Yeah. How is it that you say over 50 guys, you're 17, you've had over, these are 50 boyfriends you've had?

1:13:35 Caller No, I haven't actually, it's like, they tell me that they're interested in me, and they say that they're going to ask me out, and then one of them actually left me for a girl that was retarded.

1:13:45 Drew Jenny, if somebody's going to ask you out, who doesn't, is not leaving you.

1:13:50 Adam Yeah.

1:13:50 Drew They're not going out with you.

1:13:51 Adam Well, in that case, just make it millions, but-

1:13:54 Drew Yeah, millions and millions. Adam just left you too.

1:13:56 Adam Yeah, I did.

1:13:57 Caller It's kind of hard because it's like they tell me that, you know, they're interested in me and they really like me and all this other stuff and they keep bleeding me on. Then, yeah, that sucks.

1:14:07 Adam It's a minor slap in the face when they leave you for a retarded girl, though, you know? But they may just think that's easy sex.

1:14:14 Drew What's up with Jenny and her perception of the world?

1:14:17 Adam Oh, Jenny, so negative, baby. What's going on? Where's your dad?

1:14:22 Caller My dad's probably asleep in the other room, 1 o'clock in the morning.

1:14:26 Adam That's your real dad?

1:14:28 Caller Yeah.

1:14:28 Adam Biological dad? Is he a good guy?

1:14:33 Caller Yeah, he's really nice.

1:14:35 Adam He's a really nice guy? Nothing ever happened to you? No abuse, no rape, no physical abuse, nothing like that?

1:14:45 Drew What kind of school do you go to?

1:14:47 Caller I'm actually going to the hardest school in the entire country.

1:14:50 Drew The what is school?

1:14:52 Adam hardest. hardest to get out of the fence. They got like a 12 foot fence with razor wire on the top and their dogs. It's pretty much all just juveniles going.

1:15:02 Drew Is it a big school was I'm wondering? Does she have just a distorted expectations for some reason?

1:15:07 Adam It's a hard school to get into in the country.

1:15:10 Drew Or out.

1:15:11 Adam In the country? Is she in the country? She's calling from Oklahoma.

1:15:14 Drew I know. But let her be.

1:15:16 Adam Drew, am I to believe that the hardest prep school to get into in men's wives and Phillips academy, Andover?

1:15:21 Drew No. Nothing compared to Shawnee, Oklahoma.

1:15:24 Adam Shawnee, huh? Okay. All right. Well, that's where I'm sending my kids then. If now you've now put a challenge out when I crank out some kids, it's right out to okay. Hey, Jenny.

1:15:37 Caller Yeah.

1:15:40 Adam The hardest school to get into? And it's like a prep school for college?

1:15:44 Caller Not really. It's like high school for juniors and seniors, but it's state funded and you have to work really, really hard. I've been studying for finals all week and Christmas break.

1:15:56 Drew All right. Listen, is it a small school?

1:16:00 Caller Well, here it is. But this all happened before I got there.

1:16:03 Drew When you were at a bigger school?

1:16:05 Caller Yeah.

1:16:05 Drew And how old were you?

1:16:07 Caller I was 16.

1:16:09 Drew And how old were you when you guys started asking you out?

1:16:14 Caller Probably around 13.

1:16:16 Drew So basically every fourth day, a guy would declare something and then just not follow through?

1:16:21 Adam All right. Well, it could happen. I figure at least once a week.

1:16:25 Drew Is there something about you that there is frightened by or turned on?

1:16:28 Adam What's wrong with you?

1:16:30 Caller I don't really know.

1:16:31 Drew That's the thing. Why would they be attracted and then just not be able to follow through?

1:16:36 Caller I don't know. It's probably because I'm one of those I'm abstinent until I'm married things.

1:16:42 Caller I don't know.

1:16:43 Drew How would they know that?

1:16:44 Adam Maybe it's your genius IQ that they're intimidated by. Could that be it, Jenny?

1:16:50 Caller I don't see myself as that. I just see myself as lucky.

1:16:53 Caller Is it really a retarded person that she got left for though?

1:16:56 Adam Yeah. And by the way, that's a good person, the guy who left you for a retarded person. I like that guy.

1:17:03 Drew Actually, developmentally delayed.

1:17:07 Adam Did he actually leave you for a retarded person, this one guy?

1:17:11 Caller She wasn't fully retarded.

1:17:13 Caller She was partially. Okay. Because she puts out.

1:17:18 Adam Okay. All right, Jenny, we're gonna put you on hold for another 94 minutes, all right?

1:17:22 Caller Are you serious?

1:17:23 Drew I think, Jenny, you're just sort of not...

1:17:26 Adam You're very negative.

1:17:28 Drew There's something distorted in terms of how you're thinking about your social interactions. These guys that are interested in you are interested in you because all guys are interested in you. It doesn't mean they're going to ask you out. It doesn't mean they're dumping you for somebody else. It's just like any other social environment, people are sort of knocking around and they end up with somebody. All right. Maybe not you.

1:17:45 Adam You're going to a smaller school now.

1:17:47 Drew Yeah.

1:17:47 Adam You find a guy at the smaller school.

1:17:49 Drew Go ahead and ask somebody out. Start having dates.

1:17:52 Adam You know what Jenny needs besides a good swift kick in the pants? And by the way, she must be wearing the pants when you kick them.

1:17:59 Drew Of course. I think the kick must be swift.

1:18:01 Adam I've had that. There's been confusion before. The actual, it was swift kick in the pants, but the person was not in the pants.

1:18:07 Drew Pants were hanging in the closet.

1:18:08 Adam Yes. Yes. And they beat me on a technicality. So now I have to say, you have to be wearing the pants. Jenny? Yeah. Do you have any female friends? Yeah, I have tons. You have tons. How about you focus on your female friends a little, see how they're doing with the boys, see if their boyfriends have a friend for you. You know what I mean?

1:18:30 Drew And again, go and ask the guy out, movie, coffee, or whatever you do. Get something to eat. Kind of hang out a little bit. Don't be so focused on the coming and the going. Focus more just enjoying being around people your own age.

1:18:45 Adam Yeah, and look, don't keep negative stances on yourself. Like I've been dumped this many times.

1:18:50 Drew She's like the clingy nice guy. Kind of has that kind of vibe. Why is every girl crap on the nice guy? And really what he's talking about is he looks at the hottest scorers in the school and wants to know why he can't go out with them.

1:19:03 Adam Let me give you guys another quick little piece of life lesson crap here from the Ace man. Stop being such a bummer. You people, you people are bumming my high.

1:19:14 Drew Don't be such a bummer.

1:19:17 Adam No, here's what I'm saying. And you know, look, there's a reason, folks.

1:19:21 Drew Adam says, don't be a bummer.

1:19:23 Adam If you don't get invited to the party kind of thing, if people don't seem to want to be around you, don't wonder what's wrong with them and get angry at them.

1:19:31 Drew Do not blame.

1:19:32 Adam wonder why they don't want to hang out with you and look in the mirror.

1:19:34 Drew That's the only thing you can't change. That's all you have command over is yourself.

1:19:38 Adam Okay, there's a lot of people.

1:19:40 Drew What's within your body boundaries?

1:19:41 Adam There's a lot of people out there, Drew, that are just bummers. And they're just, and they're, they're bummers and then they complain. It's like, why didn't I get involved? You guys want, you guys went out to dinner Friday night? Cause you're a bummer and we don't want to hang out with you. And now you're bummer on bummer. Now you're a wounded bummer. Because now you're hurt that, and by the way.

1:20:04 Drew You're kind of a scary bummer. That's like, ooh, we're scared to be around you now.

1:20:07 Adam Look, people don't ask you to go with them to the party or to out to dinner or whatever. Why? Because they're horrible people. They just decided in advance before they even met you that they were going to exclude you from going to dinner.

1:20:21 Drew This is the same guy who is the world's best employee.

1:20:24 Adam Right.

1:20:25 Drew Who gets fired cause his boss hates him.

1:20:26 Adam Yeah. He's jealous. I do the work of nine guys. Why do you fire? I don't know. He's jealous.

1:20:34 Drew He had it in for me.

1:20:34 Adam He had it in for me. Yeah. That's great. That's a great boss. He finds the guy does the work of nine employees and mysteriously has it in for him. Yeah. And I like this one too. It's like, fire me? He's just intimidated because I'm so smart. Yeah. Oh, she dumped me because I was too hot. I was, my penis is too big and I was too good looking. My eyes were too piercing. Yeah. The cleft of my chin too deep. Teeth too white. You know what I mean? That's why I was too, too narrow at the hip and too broad at the shoulder. That's why, that's why she dumped me. I spoke too many languages. Yeah. I had too much. My wallet too fat. Car too fast. Leather too supple. Yeah. Did the TV and my bachelor kind of too big. Too big. Yeah. Too many stations, too many options.

1:21:25 Drew People hate things that they strive for.

1:21:28 Adam Yeah. Look, stop being a bummer, all you people. Jenny, Jenny, stone bummer, dude. Full-blown stone bummage, brother. Bummage. And that's why people don't want to hang out with you. You're a bummer.

1:21:43 Drew She will have her day. She will have her day.

1:21:45 Adam Not necessarily.

1:21:46 Drew College.

1:21:46 Adam Not if she remains a bummer.

1:21:48 Drew She won't. But listen. Unless she breaks out because of college, she'll be fine.

1:21:53 Adam Here's what I would like all you people to do this year. Either stop being a bummer or stop asking why no one wants to either date you or invite you to the party. Right. It's one or the other. Thank you. And Drew, they don't know you before they meet you. You know what I mean?

1:22:10 Drew Right. They don't automatically decide who you are.

1:22:13 Adam Yeah. You present something, they pick it up and decide you're not going.

1:22:18 Drew Yeah.

1:22:18 Adam That's it. All right. I just like the people that get angry at other people. Why didn't you invite me? Well, this is really going to get uncomfortable or I'm just going to start lying. I mean, obviously, we don't like you or we don't like you as much as the handful of people that were invited. Yes? All right. Look, if we're inviting several thousand people to go out to dinner, you probably would have made the cut. But as it is, it was only 250 people. That's what I say, Drew. All right. You ready to take a break?

1:22:50 Drew Yeah, ready for a break.

1:22:51 Adam Don't be a bummer, dude.

1:22:52 Drew I'm not a bummer.

1:22:53 Adam Now, Drew isn't a bummer.

1:22:55 Drew I like bumming people. What is my thing? People accuse me of...

1:22:58 Adam You bum people's high.

1:22:59 Drew Bumming their high or I'm the man trying to keep them down or I went to...

1:23:03 Adam Yeah.

1:23:04 Drew Please.

1:23:05 Adam Yeah. Nothing better than a good person to hang out with, a happy person.

1:23:09 Drew Come on, don't be such a pussy.

1:23:10 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Wipe that puss off, everyone. Get in a good mood. Let's have a good time in Odd 5, yes?

1:23:16 Drew Yes.

1:23:16 Adam All right. We'll take a little break. We'll be... Who are we talking to when we come back, Drew?

1:23:20 Drew Matt.

1:23:21 Adam I've been having sex for months now. Still can't last over 30 seconds.

1:23:25 Drew Oh. Corolla syndrome.

1:23:27 Adam What?

1:23:28 Drew Oh, no, that's not your syndrome. That's right. No, no.

1:23:29 Adam What dare you?

1:23:30 Drew You're the ninja. I forgot. I forgot.

1:23:32 Adam Man, did you?

1:23:33 Drew Well, you can correct him.

1:23:34 Adam I shall.

1:23:35 Drew Bring him around.

1:23:36 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:23:42 Caller Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. We'll be right back.

1:23:58 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. You know what Drew loves to do is, I don't know, two months ago, I decided, does Ann, Ann, producer Ann stands in the studio during the commercials. It's going to be painful, Drew. And leaves right as the mics heat up, we hear the door slam shut. And I did one of my mini fits and I said, Ann, you need to leave a second before the mics heat up. You got the doors got to shut every time the show starts, we hear the door clamped, clank shut in the middle right, right, we're setting the thing up. You just got to. And ever since that time, since I made that announcement, Drew has some parting words for her as she's trying to leave almost every time, which I don't know what it really pertains to. You and Ann do have conversations, but it's never never in this hurry. And then I say, Drew, let her let her leave. So we don't have to do it. But almost every time Ann and then she sits there holding the door open when the show is starting. So we're going to click. What is that, Drew? How does that work?

1:24:58 Drew I don't know. That would be you got to think about it. I really didn't know that time that things were starting.

1:25:02 Adam But think about it. What do you think that is?

1:25:04 Drew Anything? Must be that part of anxiety disorder, pushing stuff in, get it in.

1:25:11 Adam You got shoehorn stuff in. Like when Ann walks through that door, you'll never see her again.

1:25:16 Drew Yeah.

1:25:16 Adam Maybe it's the last time you'll ever speak.

1:25:19 Drew That's the way it feels. Not in any kind of real way, but that's the way it gets approached.

1:25:24 Adam Yeah. We got to squeeze it in.

1:25:26 Drew Yeah.

1:25:26 Adam There could be some more conversation. It's not necessarily about anything, by the way.

1:25:30 Drew Yeah.

1:25:32 Adam Now, let me ask you this. I don't know if you can get in touch with this, but me complaining about it constantly and consistently, it doesn't seem to change it. I wonder if it brings it on a little bit more.

1:25:42 Drew No, it doesn't bring it on more.

1:25:43 Adam But the fact that I'll discuss it 45 minutes earlier and that you'll do the exact same thing again later on that evening, not the next day.

1:25:52 Drew I will try my best not to. Okay.

1:25:55 Adam But maybe, here's what I'm saying. Maybe I have this, I don't feel that you're a bad person, Drew, and I don't think you think you're a bad person. I know you're a bad person. No, however, here's my theory with you. When I bring things up, it just sort of comes up. It's like when you tell your dog, don't crap on the carpet, he just hears crap on the carpet. The don't part isn't remembered as much. It's sort of-

1:26:20 Drew No, it's a little more complicated.

1:26:22 Adam It's in your mind. It's fresh in your mind.

1:26:24 Drew But whatever was causing me to cram the shoehorn and the stuff in at the end, is not easily adjusted by don't do that. It needs a procedure. It's like saying don't do drugs. Like, yeah, I don't want to. I don't want to. So you need like a 12-step program to stop talking to Ann by the door when the mic is set up. I need like a procedure.

1:26:43 Adam Oh, here's a procedure. The show's starting.

1:26:45 Drew I didn't know that. That's the problem. I need some sort of, can you like put it overhead when it starts as opposed to the mics? Yeah. That's a procedure.

1:26:53 Adam Show starts and then you talk to the microphone.

1:26:55 Drew Put the music overhead and then I'm good. Yeah. Listen, I think I.

1:26:59 Adam How about we get a sign that illuminates like when the show's starting that says do not talk to producer Ann in the doorway.

1:27:07 Drew Would work.

1:27:08 Adam Okay.

1:27:08 Drew See? There's a solution to every problem. There really is.

1:27:12 Adam It's just spend enough money on it.

1:27:14 Drew That's right. Andrew here, I just want to take his call real quick. Andrew. Because I picked up on this too. Andrew. Yeah. Hey. Something about.

1:27:21 Caller How you doing?

1:27:22 Drew Something about his mom, right?

1:27:24 Caller Yeah, man. You guys.

1:27:25 Drew I heard that.

1:27:26 Caller It was repetitive.

1:27:27 Drew Yes, I heard it.

1:27:29 Caller I just wanted to see if you guys picked.

1:27:30 Adam Hold on, Drew. It says Ranchero.

1:27:32 Drew Yes. We're going to fill it in now.

1:27:34 Adam Please do.

1:27:35 Drew Which is that Andrew was listening to our Ranchero Countdown and picked up some vulgar language. I thought I heard too. I was about to repeat it. I thought it's so vulgar. It was about doing something to your mom, right?

1:27:46 Adam Yeah. What did they say?

1:27:49 Drew You can't really say it. You can't say it.

1:27:51 Adam F-ing your mom?

1:27:52 Drew Yes.

1:27:53 Adam Really?

1:27:53 Caller I don't know if you guys want me to say it or not.

1:27:55 Drew But anderson just piped in our heads, or your phone's here, and that's what it...

1:28:01 Adam F-ing mom. Wow. In the song?

1:28:03 Drew I heard it. Yeah, I heard it a couple of times.

1:28:06 Adam Yeah, that's exactly what it said. Andrew, you speak Spanish?

1:28:11 Drew I'm alright.

1:28:11 Adam I'm not too bad.

1:28:12 Drew I figured it was probably something that kind of sounded like that, but it probably was a subtle... No, that's actually punk rock Ranchero.

1:28:20 Adam Oh, it is?

1:28:21 Drew Michelle apparently found some punk rock Ranchero. No way.

1:28:24 Adam Michelle, play that Ranchero song. Let's see if we hear it again.

1:28:28 Drew Punk rock. Punk Ranchero. It is pretty punk though.

1:28:33 Adam Yeah. There's no Mexican FCC, is there?

1:28:37 Caller I don't think so.

1:28:37 Adam We barely have a police department over there.

1:28:40 Caller Alright, here's that song I played before.

1:28:43 Drew What's it called?

1:28:44 Caller I have no time for it.

1:28:45 Adam After Mom and D, D minor.

1:28:48 Caller Nortina Musica.

1:28:49 Drew Okay. There, right?

1:28:59 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:29:00 Drew Yeah, see? And he repeats that, and repeats that, and repeats that.

1:29:03 Adam Is that from your mom? Wow.

1:29:05 Drew It's got to be something different. There's got to be some subtle something there.

1:29:10 Adam They do have some of those things, like there's a peda and a pedo and that kind of stuff. There's a lot of stuff.

1:29:15 Drew Totally different.

1:29:16 Adam Yeah, we got micro, macro. Why can't they have one?

1:29:18 Drew Right, right. Push and pull.

1:29:20 Adam Oh, don't get me started. You know, I was driving, when I was driving across, when I drove to Napa Valley over the Chris Frank, it struck me that East and West are too close to each other. Nobody, you know, my whole beef about push and pull being too close is words. Like you're not, you're hitting the door, you know, with a head of steam, you have to stop. Now, East and West are one letter apart, really. And they're both four letters, and they both end with an S-T, and got an E in there. And when you're driving, it was a driving rainstorm. And my wife is looking at the MapQuest. That's a disaster. And she's like, take the, we need this, we got to take the 78 East, and the windshield wipers are flapping, and I'm seeing the 78, and I'm seeing the S, you know, I'm seeing the S-T, I'm seeing it's a four letter, but it's unclear whether it's East or West. There's only one, there's only a letter difference between these two radically different.

1:30:23 Drew You can just show those letters, and we know what we're talking about. You just put E, W.

1:30:30 Adam No. No. No, I mean, I mean, we need what East, one direction should have nine letters in it, and the other should have two. Do you know what I'm saying?

1:30:39 Drew See, we can't do a push and pull, we can't put P and P, and know what we're talking about, but you can put E and W on things, people know what you're saying.

1:30:45 Adam You can. But they should be the size of the entire word.

1:30:50 Drew We should just have a moratorium on the words. Can't use the words, just the letter.

1:30:54 Adam Yeah. All right. All right.

1:30:56 Drew It's all the problem.

1:30:58 Adam I'm just saying, yeah, it's got to be changed to push and yank, not pull, the P, U. Now that doesn't work. And East and West, I know I sound like a retard, but actually share three out of four letters. And that means dramatically different things, Drew, when you're driving and it's raining. And if one just had a whole bunch of letters, and the other had three, you'd know exactly what it was.

1:31:22 Drew I wonder what the history of all it is. It's got to be something to it.

1:31:25 Adam North and South are pretty far apart either. Yeah. It doesn't, it doesn't, it takes, and when you're going 70 miles an hour, by the way, and visibility is a little tough, it's like, we go out, we get off the ramp, we get off it. It's like, it takes, it takes a beat. East and West, by the way, don't, I know this is going to make me sound like an idiot, but they don't register is, is when you look at them, when you read East and West, you take a beat. If, if one started with a Z and had five letters in it, it would be completely different.

1:31:58 Drew I, I've never solved this problem. No more kids going to hippie schools.

1:32:02 Adam That, that could be it, that could be it. So you know the difference between East and West. You know the difference between East and West.

1:32:07 Drew And one of us to read by eight, eight.

1:32:11 Adam Do, do, do they need to both have four letters?

1:32:13 Drew Queen's English by eight.

1:32:14 Adam They need three out of the same four letters when you're going 80 miles an hour and it's raining. We can't just have to be xylophone and West.

1:32:25 Drew You're right. That'd be a lot clearer.

1:32:26 Adam Abba Zabba and West. No, we don't have to change both of them, you idiot. Just the one.

1:32:34 Drew Abba Zabba and West, xylophone and South.

1:32:37 Adam That's right.

1:32:37 Drew There you go.

1:32:38 Adam There you would know from know where you were all thousand miles an hour with your headlights out in a hailstorm, you would see it. Yes.

1:32:44 Drew You're right.

1:32:45 Adam All right. Let's take a break. We'll be right back after this.

1:32:49 Caller All right, guys.

1:32:50 Caller Here's the deal.

1:32:51 Drew You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:32:54 Adam One call is all you need to make.

1:32:55 Drew Call the Dateline.

1:32:57 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:33:20 Adam Are you sure you want to smash the door back and forth?

1:33:21 Drew I like doing that.

1:33:23 Adam All right, we will take ourselves a little extendo break. Thanks for listening. And until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. It's rambling time.

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Monday, January 3, 2005