Episode 1000672393581

1:27 Adam Dr. Bruce Abely filling in for Dr. Drew. Dr. Bruce, board certified physician, also an addiction medicine specialist, and also, or unlike Dr. Drew, is a emergency medicine specialist.

1:45 Dr. Bruce I am the smartest man alive!

1:47 Adam He is. Drew always tells me how smart he is. I can never believe when I see Bruce in person.

1:54 Drew hasn't convinced you yet of mine?

1:55 Adam No, it's not. If I hadn't met you, I would assume that you were Moses from the mountain, but now I know you. Bruce is a wizard with the laser and can remove tattoos, or crow's feet, or liver spots. You know what I think we should do is, I mean, we'll take the same calls we always take because you're just as qualified as Drew, but maybe we should skew it a little bit toward the cosmetic stuff, stuff you can do with the laser.

2:26 Acne stuff too, acne is a good topic.

2:28 Adam Now what about, okay, and now what do you know about that? I mean, what's that have to do with the laser?

2:34 It's turned out that, for instance, Accutane has been the gold standard for treating very difficult to treat acne. So it's turned out there's a medication, ALA, Amino-Levulinic Acid, that you can use as a pre-treatment for a photofacial and get essentially the same results.

2:49 Adam Photofacial is a laser.

2:51 It's like a laser or using intense pulse light that actually it downregulates the activity in the acne pustule, but it's used for aging, for rosacea, people have the red nose, like the WC fields.

3:05 Adam Is the basic deal with the laser, is it the same as like dermabrasion is? In the sense that the idea is, is if your face was a piece of wood, it have a bunch of lines in it, you want to sort of sand it down, so those lines aren't so evident.

3:21 That's really what you're doing with some of the, microdermabrasion is very superficial, it's your epidermis, but you get into the dermis and collagen, and one of the primary problems is as you age, one of the reasons you develop wrinkles, you lose about 1% of collagen for every year after age 21, and as you lose collagen, it's like the structural support for your skin, so you have essentially too much skin, not enough tissue and collagen been used.

3:43 Adam So how's it go? It goes epidermis, dermis, and then where's the collagen?

3:48 The collagen is in the dermis and into the...

3:51 Adam And that's the elastic part?

3:53 There's also elastic tissue, but collagen is a support structure, it's a connective tissue, it's in the bone family, and the stuff in your ears. So it can stimulate its growth with intense light.

4:03 Adam So how does the laser work for the zits?

4:05 The laser, well, whether it's mostly intense pulse light, which you're taking away, laser is one wavelength, intense pulse light, you have a white light and then filters that pick out certain wavelengths. The wavelengths that are absorbed by red, in particular in terms of acne, you're using in the 400...

4:21 Adam You break it up, you kill it.

4:22 It turns out what acne is, is you get clogged pores and you get the sebum, the stuff that you normally should make to lubricate the hairs, and that gets plugged up in a pore.

4:32 Adam So your face, and I'm just gonna break this down, but your face and your skin can produce the sebum around the hairs, with just your general sort of stuff that comes out of you.

4:43 Right, it's an oily substance.

4:44 Adam Oily, it's not sweat, but it's like sort of oily. And your face produces more than your elbow.

4:49 Your face has more hair follicles than your elbow does. It's really related to the hair follicles.

4:55 Adam So the more hair, so your scalp would have the most sebum.

4:58 Well, yeah, your scalp would have more of those type of, but you don't have, the problem is more focused on the face, the upper back.

5:06 Adam So the zit is, one of the pores gets clogged. How does it get clogged? You know, people have zits clean their face a lot. Why do the pores get clogged so much?

5:15 Well, normally what the skin does is you're turning over cells very rapidly and you have the dead cells are shed. And in this area, in the pore, you get these actually dead cells that clog the pore, the sebum builds up, and the theory is you have bacteria that go in there and they start breaking down the sebum, which is a fat, into fatty acids and inflammatory substances, and they cause redness, inflammation, and that's it. And that's why they use benzoyl peroxide is like an antibiotic. Well, it's essentially kills bacteria. It's a very effective antibiotic, but it does dry things up. And now they found it also does stimulate, you get the free radical production with that substance. So it turns out that there are bad. Yeah, that's bad. So it turns out things like retin-A are prescribed. And what accutane is sort of like an oral retin-A type agent, but it's you've got to get blood tests.

6:07 Adam Yeah, if you're a woman, you'll have to get on the pill, right?

6:09 Absolutely.

6:10 Adam Because there'll be birth defects. And Drew's been on it before. It dries up the corners of his mouth and dries up your skin. I mean, there's side effects.

6:16 But it decreases the shedding of these dead cells, which plug up the follicles. So it turns out that there is a handpiece for this pulse light unit, which has wavelengths that are absorbed by red. It goes down into the unit, the acne.

6:31 Adam So once a week, you would get this procedure?

6:33 You get them every two weeks for three treatments. But it turns out, if you add this medication, you put on the face 45 minutes before the treatment, and this is absorbed by the acne lesion. And when the light hits this, it releases, it destroys the acne lesion completely.

6:49 Adam So you can work... I mean, in this day and age, no reason to have bad skin, right?

6:53 Well, pretty much so.

6:55 Adam And you can get rid of tats with this thing, get rid of minor wrinkles with this thing, you can get rid of... So it really sounds like an infomercial at this point.

7:03 It does. Rosacea, the redness that a lot of people have, and then peels...

7:06 Adam Yeah, what about like liver spots?

7:08 Liver spots very effectively treat it with a little laser, or with an intense pulse fibers.

7:12 Adam I'm interested in this. What about the people who had the bad acne as teens, and then they just go through their life scarred? They just have that pock-marked cheeks, or whatever. And can we do some about that?

7:27 Those are different than others. Those are classically known as ice pick scars. In some scars, you have too much... It's a form of collagen. You have too much scar tissue. But if you look at somebody with an acne scar, there's actually a loss of tissue. You have sharp edges around this little hole.

7:39 Adam Is each one of those scars a big zit?

7:41 It was a zit at one time.

7:42 Adam At some point that they screwed with too much?

7:45 Probably. But even if you don't screw with it, just the inflammation from the acne can cause those kind of scars.

7:52 Adam How do you get rid of that?

7:53 Chemical peels, photofacials, especially if you do a phototherapy, add this amino levulonic acid and do a treatment with the photofacial machine. Several of those treatments, you have improvement in this. There's different types of microdermabrasion. Then there's dermabrasion, which is almost a surgical procedure, which is a very deep mechanical abrasion of the skin.

8:13 Adam Is it like a sandblaster?

8:15 It is. It's more like a sandblaster. Then some of the chemical peels are fairly deep. If you stimulate collagen growth, then you're going to get more tissue to replace what's lost in some of these kinds of sclerosis. Now you're bored.

8:25 Adam But here's the thing. If you have any questions regarding doing something, any of the things we just discussed, acne or removing tats or anything like that, tonight's the night to ask. Actually, you could ask tomorrow too, but tonight is the night. Yeah.

8:43 Caller Yes?

8:44 Adam You're 20?

8:45 Caller Yep.

8:46 Adam What's up, baby doll?

8:48 Caller Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about two years, right? And like our sex life is kind of, you know, you get kind of in a rut when you're with somebody for so long. So we're thinking about maybe bringing it, like having a threesome with another girl. But I don't know if that's like a really good idea or not, because I've heard that kind of thing can kind of backfire on you.

9:09 Adam Whose idea was it?

9:11 Caller Well, it was kind of both of our idea.

9:14 Adam Yeah. Meaning it was his idea.

9:17 Yeah. Yeah.

9:18 Adam All right. He brought it up. Now, do you? Okay. Let me let me give you the reasons for the threesome and how they'll work. If you are looking for an excuse to experiment with a female, but you don't want to call yourself a lesbian, this is your opportunity to do it. For him.

9:36 Caller I've already been there, done that.

9:38 Adam Okay. So you've done it already. Did you like it?

9:41 Caller Yeah, it was it's it's different.

9:45 I mean, but it's the same thing, you know, basically.

9:48 Adam Where do you get the female, by the way?

9:51 Caller Actually, it's a kind of funny story. It was another girl that wanted to do it. I knew through another friend. And it was actually his girlfriend. It was my ex-boyfriend, his new girlfriend. And she wanted to try it, but she didn't want to do it with somebody who had already done it before. And I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to do it with anybody who had already done it before, so...

10:12 Adam Yeah.

10:14 Caller If you take a statistical survey of people that have tried threesomes to save a relationship, basically you're at about a 99.9 percentile chance of destroying the relationship completely.

10:25 Adam Berm says no idea. He's never seen such data. But yes, but here's why, because you're sort of saying, like, hold on a second, people that are deeply in love and can't wait to wake up every morning and see each other's faces, those people don't want threesomes.

10:42 Caller Don't want threesomes.

10:43 Adam So it's one of these things where you're drawing from a group that is already sort of on the skids. Whether they know it or not, they've made the proclamation that sex has become boring, same old in a rut. So they're already sort of on the rocks, and this tends to push them over the edge. Turns out to be sort of the excuse they wanted to get out and they couldn't really do it. It destabilizes it just enough.

11:05 Caller Pretty uniform of these relationships are over at that point, and going to that solution is just I say.

11:11 Adam Well, listen, Brie.

11:13 Caller Yeah.

11:13 Adam May you guys have been together for two years.

11:16 Caller Yeah.

11:16 Adam You're 20. Maybe this thing's over.

11:20 Caller Well, you know, I, it's, it's not, I don't, I don't really think it is, because we don't really have any interest in being with anybody else, and I mean, our current sex life is not even.

11:29 Adam Except for the extra vagina that's going to come over this weekend.

11:33 Caller What's that?

11:34 Adam Well, you say you have no interest in being with anybody else, but the call is about getting anybody else in the bed with you guys.

11:40 Caller Well, it's just, it's just, you know, because we're both kind of like, we're so comfortable with each other that we want to like kind of experiment with other things.

11:48 Adam All right.

11:48 Caller Well, listen, I mean.

11:49 Caller But, Leah, you understand, you understand when you hear people talk about boundaries. Boundaries are very real things. When you violate certain principles in a relationship, you're almost guaranteeing. So if there's anything to save about this, the wrong thing to do would be to try the threes.

12:03 Adam All right, Mother Goose. Here's the thing. The thing's probably over. You might as well have a good time anyway. But I do agree with Bruce. Be prepared for some implications and ramifications and feelings and things that you didn't count on.

12:16 Caller Yep. The male mind will be...

12:19 Adam Well, by the way, you're sitting next to your boyfriend while he's humping away on somebody. That's gonna burn in.

12:25 Caller Yep.

12:26 Adam And by the way, women don't forget subtle glances, nods or grunts 20 years later. The shot of your sack smacking up against her thigh is gonna be seared.

12:40 Caller And it doesn't matter whose idea it was in the first place.

12:42 Adam Yeah.

12:42 Caller It doesn't work.

12:43 Adam And then you're at a weird point where you have to kind of enjoy it but not that much. You know what I'm saying?

12:49 Caller Right.

12:49 Adam It was like when one of the Dixie chicks asked me to go to the Grammys with her. My girlfriend got really pissed at the time. And when they did win a Grammy, I had to stand up and be excited, but not too excited. I just had to stand there and sort of quietly clap.

13:06 Caller You're under the microscope.

13:07 Adam That's right.

13:07 Caller And so will he be.

13:08 Adam That's right. All right. Well, enjoy. Dave?

13:11 Caller Yeah.

13:12 Adam You're 27?

13:14 Caller That's right.

13:14 Adam What's up? What's up?

13:16 Caller Well, I recently started dating this girl who is 18 years old. And she's only had one boyfriend before, which is three years ago. Whom she lost her virginity to. Hasn't been with anybody since. And we recently had sex for the first time a couple of days ago. And she was in a lot of pain, which I expected. And she's never had an orgasm ever before.

13:46 Adam Yeah.

13:46 Caller You know, self-induced.

13:47 Adam Dave? Dave, you're 27?

13:50 Caller Yes.

13:50 Adam She's 18.

13:51 Caller That's right.

13:52 Adam Right. So she's just getting started. I know all that. She'd never. And she's only been with she's, you know, could be in high school still.

14:00 Caller No, she's not. Right.

14:02 Adam But but but mathematically, you know, could be could be. So, you know, if she was another 27 year old and then you were saying she'd never had an orgasm, she's only been with one guy. Yeah. But if you're talking about someone who's 11, that's the way it's supposed to be.

14:18 Caller That's not really my question.

14:19 Adam I know. I know. But we don't care what your question is. So, first thing is, is you're 27 and you're with an 18 year old that's marginally creepy. Yeah. It's not wholesale creepy. It's just marginally creepy.

14:33 Caller I understand.

14:34 Adam Okay. So what's the question?

14:35 Caller My question is, is that how long does it usually take for someone who hasn't been with anyone for that long to become, to the point where she's not in pain anymore?

14:47 Caller So Dave knows it's marginally creepy, but he has a mechanical question.

14:50 Adam Right, right. He wants to know if he can rub a little coke on it, put a little 30-weight and see if he can get back in the game. All right. Here's the thing. The pain is either caused from lack of lubrication or nerves or both.

15:07 Caller The creepiness factor can cause some vaginismus, some spontaneous spasm of the vaginal muscles. So you can't just sort of blow off the creepiness factor.

15:16 Adam You're a couple of clicks ahead of her in the Experience Department, and her vagina is having to catch up. So essentially, you have to send your penis back to high school. But your balls can go to junior high. Right. Hold on. That's a good UPN sitcom. Scrotum sack in the eighth grade.

15:38 Caller Comedy Central, maybe. No, no.

15:40 Adam That's UPN. All right. So here's the thing. You want to get her an orgasm, you got to give her the oral sex. That's first and foremost. Dave, do you give her oral sex?

15:50 Caller Well, absolutely. I mean, I just, you know, we just started all this a couple of days ago.

15:54 Adam All right.

15:54 Caller So how long have they been going out?

15:56 Caller A couple of weeks now.

15:57 Caller Oh, wow.

15:58 Adam All right. Here's the thing. She must find a comfort level with you. You guys have to find your groove. You have to take it slow, tons of foreplay, maybe some lubrication, and this thing will work itself out if there's not some sort of wholesale problem.

16:14 Caller In Dave's mind, sex is a recreational activity. That's an issue here. He's been going out with somebody for two weeks and he's focusing in on pleasuring her sexually. I'd say when the intimacy is just plain not there, it can't be there in two weeks. And when people jump in the sack and start focusing on sex, which is the minute you start having sex in a relationship, it puts it into a different plane. These kinds of problems are going to arise. And I suspect that she tunes in to some of the creepiness factor, the guy's 27, she's 18. There's just something not right about the whole thing. And that can affect. Yeah.

16:46 Adam You didn't get a whole lot of tail in high school.

16:48 Caller You know, sex is not a recreational sport.

16:51 Adam And that's you. You didn't get a lot of tail. Like I would bet that you actually owe tail from high school.

16:59 Caller So I have to be a... You have a heart attack? You have to be a good cardiologist. Is that what you're saying?

17:03 Adam Oh, touche.

17:05 Caller Touche.

17:05 Adam Yeah.

17:07 Caller Yeah.

17:07 Adam I would have liked my cardiologist to have a couple of...

17:10 Caller I know this fat cardiologist.

17:11 Adam A couple of heart attacks and maybe a stroke. No, I like a doctor who smokes because it says confidence. Here's a guy who knows what he's doing. I mean, he's that confident that he could smoke. I like that. All right, let me ask you something before we go to the next call about this laser. Bruce is the laser man, by the way. They were doing these stories. They had a bunch of these stories. It seemed like nonsense at the time where pilots were saying they were being hit in the eye with lasers when they were on approach or taken off and everyone's saying this is a new terrorist tactic, that they're going to blind the pilots with these sort of laser pointers, pinpointer, right? Lasers. And I was saying, what kind of crappy plan is this? It's not going to do anything to the guy. And secondly, the plane's on autopilot anyway. I mean, by the way, if you had some difficulty seeing, it's not like you would just, you know, take the yoke and shove it forward and drive the plane into the ground. You're not going to bring a plane down with this, are you?

18:11 Caller Well, it could be highly distracting.

18:13 Adam Even the laser.

18:14 Caller When I give a lecture, there's a laser pointer on the podium. That laser, you just don't want to point in someone's eye or look at.

18:21 Adam What about from, you know, several thousand yards away? All I'm saying is, is it turned out to be pranksters.

18:27 Caller Right.

18:28 Adam And then I thought, wow, that's a sense of humor. Are you screwing with commercial airliners?

18:34 Caller Yeah.

18:35 Adam Well, you know what I mean? I mean, like, well, really, we got it. We're at that point already where we can have a good time with the DC-10s.

18:43 Caller Well, it's a variant.

18:44 Adam Yeah.

18:45 Caller To use a laser that's going to bring something down. Those kind of lasers are very, very difficult. They're a totally different level of technology.

18:51 Adam They don't even have those.

18:53 Caller The government does.

18:54 Adam Military?

18:55 Caller Yes. Oh, yeah.

18:56 Adam What do they got? What do we got?

18:58 Caller If I watch the History Channel, they got...

18:59 Adam Well, they're working on stuff, but you think we got it?

19:02 Caller Oh, they have them. Absolutely.

19:03 Adam A laser that can bring a plane down.

19:05 Caller Oh, absolutely.

19:06 Adam Really?

19:06 Caller Yeah.

19:07 Adam We got them. Terrorists don't have them.

19:10 Caller Probably not. That's not the type of... Terrorists are going to use more conventional weapons anyway. But the point is, it's very distra... If you're landing a plane, I think at that point, a lot of these planes are not on autopilot. It could be very distracting. And it can cause some temporary visual impairment.

19:24 Adam Not right there, buddy boy. So you shouldn't point those laser pointers right in your eye.

19:27 Caller Oh, absolutely not. Even the, you know, $20 laser pointer you can buy in the office supply store.

19:34 Adam Let's talk to Jeremy who's 25. Jeremy?

19:37 Caller Adam, Bruce, Mad Props, guys.

19:40 Adam What's up? What do you say? Mad Props. Oh, okay. Thanks, buddy. What's going on?

19:44 Caller I got a question for Dr. Bruce. Are you familiar with epididymitis?

19:49 Caller I sure am.

19:50 Caller Yeah. That happened to me. About three months ago. And for Adam, what happened was, I don't know what happened.

19:58 Adam I know what that is. That's the cap of the scrub, the sack, the ball or something. It was swelling.

20:05 Caller Yeah, with my testicles swelling.

20:08 Adam All right. I'm hip.

20:09 Caller It swelled up to about the size of a lemon. And I got to neproxin, went home, sat in the saltwater and stuff. And now I'm all better. But now my testicle that I had the problem with is higher than my other one when it wasn't before. You know what I mean?

20:27 Caller Okay. You said you got the what and sat in the water?

20:30 Caller It was neproxin that gave me.

20:32 Adam Sat. He took a sit-span.

20:34 Caller Neproxin. Yeah. It's like motrin though. And you didn't get an antibiotic.

20:37 Adam You got to eat it. You can't sit on it.

20:40 Caller You got to eat it.

20:41 Caller They didn't give me anything else but neproxin.

20:46 Caller Well, anyway, generally, Epididymitis...

20:48 Adam Well, what's this question now?

20:49 Caller Because the testicles are higher on that side. So you can have some scarring. It can be higher on that side. I'm not sure why they didn't give you an antibiotic. Epididymitis is very common. It's very common as a sexually transmitted disease.

21:03 Adam Oh, it is?

21:03 Caller Yeah, and so typically it will give you a little bit of an antibiotic.

21:06 Adam What about the one... You got one piece of gear half down, one piece of gear tucked up in the belly of the plane? Know what I'm saying?

21:14 Caller Yeah, you have a non-descended testicle.

21:16 Adam Or what about just the little asymmetry?

21:18 Caller It's very normal to have asymmetry.

21:21 Adam I got that. I got that in spades.

21:24 Caller Well, then you're pretty normal.

21:25 Adam Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

21:28 Caller Undescended testicles are more prone to cancer, and people will get testicular torsion where the thing turns, blocks the blood supply, and then you have a real problem.

21:37 Adam Let's play a little Germany or Florida.

21:39 Caller Oh, great.

21:40 Adam Bruce, you know Germany or Florida, yes?

21:42 Caller Absolutely.

21:42 Adam All right, you're German, yes? Sort of?

21:46 Caller Brooklyn, I don't know, is that close enough?

21:47 Adam Well, you're part German.

21:49 Caller I think Heischover is an Austrian name, yeah.

21:50 Adam Part German, part what? Irish, Norwegian, but all spaz.

21:55 Caller Am I right? Medical spaz, yeah.

21:57 Yeah.

21:58 Adam Eric?

21:59 Dr. Bruce Hey, happy New Year, guys.

22:00 Adam What's happening?

22:02 Dr. Bruce Not a bunch. I got a New Year's wish for Dr. Bruce, first off. Here's hoping in 2005 that you don't have anal sex and pass out.

22:10 Adam Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

22:12 Caller I went to thank you, Anderson, and I passed out a couple of times.

22:15 Adam Yeah. Bruce didn't know the mics were on during the commercial, and we just started talking, swapping stories, and Anderson picked it up and put it on a car.

22:24 Caller That's great. If this is true, you're going to go to jail, buddy.

22:29 Adam Did you see what I have to deal with? Did you see what I'm dealing with?

22:32 Caller Take it out of context.

22:34 Adam Yeah. All right.

22:35 Dr. Bruce So, Eric, that's why you make the big bucks, though.

22:38 Adam Yeah.

22:39 Dr. Bruce Okay.

22:39 Adam Theoretically. What's going on? You have a Germany or Florida?

22:45 Dr. Bruce Yes, I do. A man driving his Mercedes on a busy street sets his cruise control at 50 miles per hour and proceeds to climb onto the roof of a speeding car and pretend to surf. He either jumps or falls off and is killed instantly. His car hit another vehicle that was stopped at a red light, and luckily no one else was injured. After the body was identified, it was discovered that he was a 56-year-old man who had been the city's financial advisor for almost 30 years. His wife said that he had recently contracted a tropical disease and was on medication.

23:17 Adam All right. So, all right. Hold on a second, Eric. A lot to work with here. You got the Mercedes.

23:22 Caller Yeah, trick. Is that a trick?

23:24 Adam Well, we got them out here. Then you got the tropical disease. Interesting. Interesting. Then you have the city's financial whatever on the hood of the car. By the way, I know if you hit the brake, the cruise control will go off. It would make sense that if you opened a door and close it again, it would go off. Maybe he just crawled out the window of his car. Sounds like a hell of a way to go. I'm going Germany.

23:49 Caller I'm going Florida.

23:50 Adam Going Florida.

23:51 Dr. Bruce Oh, wow.

23:53 Adam A first disagreement of the New Year. Well, Eric, I'm going Germany. Bruce is going Florida. What is it? Germany or Florida?

24:00 Dr. Bruce Luckily, Adam, you missed another big clue that I just realized as I read it. He's going 50 miles per hour.

24:06 Adam Miles per hour. Yeah. Not kilometers. Interesting. Yeah, that was one. That's one. That is one I should have got. And I got no I deserve it. It's Florida. I deserve the loss. Okay. Well, you know, you know why? You know, thank you, Eric. You know why I deserve the loss?

24:22 Caller Why?

24:24 Adam Because I thought, you know what, if this had happened here, I would have heard it was seen it on the news, would have seen it in the newspaper. I would have heard it. I cheated essentially. I said, I didn't weigh it on the Germany or Florida merits. I said, if this had happened in Florida, I would have heard about it.

24:42 Caller Except what are those, the Darwin...

24:44 Adam They have the Darwin Awards?

24:45 Caller Yeah, the Darwin Awards. I haven't heard so many of those things. It's like, how could I have not heard of this? And this sounds almost like a Darwin Award.

24:51 Adam Yeah, where a guy like goes out to the salt flats and he...

24:54 Caller It's a rocket on his 63 Chevy.

24:56 Adam Right. Or puts a giant electromagnet or something at the other end of it, just plows right into it. Yeah.

25:01 Caller I like the guy floated his chaise lounge up into the approach to LAX.

25:06 Adam Yeah.

25:06 Caller A bunch of helium balloons.

25:07 Adam Yeah.

25:08 Caller Did he die?

25:08 Adam With six pack of beer. Did he die?

25:09 Caller No, they got him down.

25:10 Adam Yeah, once in a while guys put the weather balloons onto their lounge chairs and just float around and they just bring a pellet gun and a six pack and if they want to come down they just shoot a balloon.

25:19 Caller Yeah.

25:19 Adam They got like 20 of them up there.

25:21 Caller I kind of like those guys.

25:22 Adam I do too. I mean, they used to be called Chuck Connors. You should call them thrill seekers. We'll take ourselves, now we call them alcoholics. We'll take ourselves a little break. Dr. Bruce filling in quite nicely, I might add, for Dr. Drew. Give him your laser related questions. Also, emergency medicine, addiction medicine. He does it all, thank you very much. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew, who's chasing a nickel somewhere in Florida, I think.

26:18 Caller He's in Florida.

26:19 Adam Yes, Dr. Bruce, board certified, at least to the end of this week. He's an addiction medicine specialist. He's actually a better doctor than Dr. Drew is, although, you know, Drew, Drew is better. You know what, Drew?

26:33 Caller Unacceptable.

26:36 Adam You know, he's got the look, he's got the passion, the passion. Yeah, he's a passionate, you know, so, you know, he's a very passionate man, exquisitely passionate.

26:47 Caller I've heard you say that a million times. I really don't want to know.

26:50 Adam I know you don't want to be by that, but I know you will drown in his passion.

26:54 Caller Oh, I'm a rapist.

26:57 Adam Well, but it could be argued that that is just overflowing passion. That's misdirected passion.

27:04 Caller We're taking out a context.

27:06 Adam No, no, I think we took that in the spirit in which it was intended. Dr. Bruce is a wizard with the laser. So, if you want a tat removed or some, you know, zits zapped or whatever, Bruce is the man. And if you have questions about that, he can answer that for you tonight. Phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-191, Crystal Method coming in here later this week. Always good to see those guys. And one quick thing before we get to the phones. Junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior producer, Lauren. I was used to just call her junior producer, but it didn't seem fair to Ann, you know, that there was just one junior in there, so I put 128 in there. Junior producer, Lauren, is getting the Prius, the Toyota. She's getting a new car, getting that hybrid. And everyone's like, wow, that's crazy.

28:04 Caller Environmentally responsible.

28:05 Adam Right. But the thing gets 48 and I think 49. Now first off, you only get one mile different from highway to city, which is bizarre. But number two, 49 is nice. But I think there are cars like the Honda CR-X, these have this little Honda. I think it was around in like 86, 87 maybe. I think it got 51 miles on the highway. You know, it's 15, 20 years later, this thing's electric, it's the hybrid, it's the this and that and the other. It gets the same mileage.

28:38 Caller It's bigger, isn't it?

28:40 Adam It's marginally bigger, but it's not, you know what I mean? I mean, I...

28:43 Caller You expect 100.

28:45 Adam 100 would be nice. Yeah, if it's electric. You know what I mean?

28:49 Caller Yeah.

28:49 Adam I mean, a car that gets 49 on the city, 49 on the highway, great. But then when they tell you it's an electric car and it's state-of-the-art technology and all that kind of stuff, and you realize there are other cars that have been around that have got almost that on the highway that are 20 years old, it's kind of like, meh.

29:07 Caller I think the emissions profile on it is pretty incredible, too.

29:10 Adam All right.

29:11 Caller They add all these.

29:13 Adam We're 49. We're not even at 60. 50 would be the one to crack. And by the way, if I'm making a car, we're getting to 50. If we're at 49, it's like, all right, pull the stick shift knob off. Take the padding out of the seat. Take that visor off. Put the space saver trunk in and out of the car. I'm getting the weight down to that thing until we get 50.

29:35 Caller Yeah, that's a good point.

29:36 Adam And you know who I'm using for test pilots, the guys who actually do the drive the cars?

29:41 Caller Midgets.

29:42 Adam Midgets. That's right. And you know what kind of midgets?

29:45 Caller No.

29:45 Adam Anorexic midgets. You understand? And they're prepping like high school wrestlers. They're spitting. They're urinating. I got their head shaved. I'm sweating them. I take those midgets. I put them.

29:58 Caller Hair removal. Get their hair off.

30:00 Adam I said I was going to shave their head off. Shave their brows too. They're midgets. Who cares? Shave them all down. Pull their teeth out. Sweat them. Put them up. But you don't have to. You don't need a whole sauna for midgets. You put them in a crock pile. Just sweat all that extra fluid off of them and get them behind the wheel of that Prius. And let's get to 50. Know what I mean?

30:20 Caller Yeah. Yeah. That's that's a hard to figure out point. The 49 is what they quote. Forty-eight.

30:26 Adam And forty-nine. Forty-eight in the city. Forty-nine. I would get to 50.

30:30 Caller Yeah.

30:30 Adam I would say I would give that speech. Gentlemen. Gentlemen, we must get to 50. I would be pacing the boardroom. All the Asian guys with glasses, you know? Gentlemen. And I'd use my laser pointer. And I'd bring the midget in. I would just get us to 50. That's me. I would take the badging off the car. I would the carpet, whatever, the headliner, dome light.

30:52 Caller It's all gone. The batteries are heavy. It's probably got some great stereo system.

30:57 Adam We got to get to 50. Are you with me, Bruce? Let's get to 50.

31:01 Caller OK.

31:02 Adam Chris, get on that Internet. Chris, why are you always looking in another direction when I turn to you? Over here, buddy. Right here, buddy. Find out what that CRX got.

31:11 Oh, right here.

31:13 Adam Yeah. Always surprised.

31:15 What year? CRX.

31:18 Adam Find the Honda CRX and find out what kind of mileage you got. All right, buddy.

31:22 Caller Remember those diesel rabbits? Didn't they get like 65?

31:24 Adam No.

31:25 Caller No.

31:25 Adam But they did pretty good.

31:26 Caller Yeah. I thought they were over 50.

31:27 Adam Speaking of remembering, remember when I told Chris you were in the commercial to find that? OK.

31:32 Caller That's a little tight.

31:33 Adam That's that's. Adam.

31:36 Yes. How's it going?

31:37 Adam You're 23.

31:38 Caller I am 23. Here's the story. OK. I've known this girl for a long time, like the past three years. We just recently, like two weeks ago, started talking and getting a little more serious and we became closer. And then she goes home for the holidays, halfway across the country. And we're just talking on the phone every couple of days and stuff. And last night, a mutual friend of everyone, of my whole group of friends, called me. I ended up going over to her house and we ended up having a little too much to drink and ended up having sex. And I'm just all freaked out about it now because I really like this girl who's across the country and I don't know what the hell to do. And I'm just all scared that she's going to find out if I should tell her or what's going to happen because I don't want to screw anything up with her.

32:31 Adam Alright, let's just say I believe you.

32:34 Caller Okay.

32:34 Adam Alright. Now, that's a big if. The new girl you cheated with, what did she want? She invited you over to have drinks? What's her agenda?

32:46 Caller You know, she probably honestly invited me over to seduce me and have sex with me.

32:51 Adam Right. Okay. Now, hold on. What do you think her her her motivation? her modus operandi is? I didn't even know if I said that right. The point is, is what is her motive? What is she doing? I mean, she want to tell, does she have an axe to grind with your girlfriend? What is she going to tell about this? What's in it? Are you that hot? Are you just that hunky?

33:19 Caller I don't know. I like to think so. But I must be. I mean, she's a good looking girl. And I mean, I went over there last night and... All right. Yeah.

33:27 Adam Hold on.

33:27 Caller Good friend.

33:27 Adam We got that. We got that. So it might be bogus. Let me say, let me say this.

33:33 Caller Okay.

33:33 Adam Well, no, no, it's not. Here's the thing. If a woman invites you over, who's a mutual friend, and that means a friend to your girlfriends too, right?

33:42 Caller Right. Right. Right.

33:43 Adam And she just invites you over, has some booze and gets it on with you. She had that planned. And if she has that planned, there's something that she's got going on with your girlfriend. And here's the problem with this whole thing. She didn't do that just to have sex with you. She did it to finish some unfinished business with your girlfriend. And that's how you know she's going to let your girlfriend find out about it. Now, it's going to be done in a very matter of fact sort of way, or it's slipped out. However it works, she will make good and god damn sure your girlfriend finds out about it, even if it's that, you know what, I'm so racked with guilt, I just felt you needed to know. You know what I mean? Because, see, that's, here's the whole thing. Bruce, you know, because you've cheated many, many times on your ladies. Here's the thing, quiet. Here's the thing. If you're a guy and you're cheating, your girlfriend's out of town and you're going to cheat, you honestly don't want that person to find out. When girls cheat or when girls just in the circle have sex with guys, there's much more to it than just the sexual gratification. If they wanted that, they could get anybody they want whenever they wanted them. Now, there was a reason why she brought you over to the house, and it's not just her being horny. There's something going on here, and that's how you know she's going to tell your girlfriend. Now, this is the scary part. Now, the question then is, what's her motivation? Is she secretly in love with you? Does she want to break you two up? Does she have an ax to grind with the other chick? Did the other chick steal a girlfriend or boyfriend away from her at some point? You know what I'm saying?

35:21 Caller But I think what you're not doing, I'd focus on Adam and ask him. When he went over there, he knew he didn't have to get drunk.

35:27 Adam He cheated.

35:28 Caller He knew what was going on. You go to an attractive woman's house, you have some sort of...

35:33 Adam The question is... There's two questions. One is what kind of score does she have to settle with your girlfriend? And two is how many miles on the highway does the CRX get, Chris?

35:48 Caller 50 on the city and then 56 on the highway.

35:50 Caller What year?

35:52 This is 1989.

35:53 Adam 1989. Yeah. Do you hear me, everyone? 1989. Honda CRX, 50 in the city, 56 in the highway. A normally aspirated engine, no electric motor, none of the crazy satellite technology, none of that crap. Really?

36:11 Caller But the emissions aren't as good as this.

36:12 Adam Who cares? This is 16 years ago. Everyone's making a big deal about these hybrids. Give me a break. This Honda worked at this car, and that's in 89. They probably had it in 87, that did better, almost 20 years ago.

36:26 Caller What about currently?

36:27 Adam Oh, give me a break. Adam?

36:30 Caller Yes.

36:30 Adam All right. So what relationship does she have, if any, with your girlfriend?

36:36 Caller Not a whole lot of one. I mean, we're just, we're... Their acquaintance is more than friends.

36:42 Adam Just acquaintances?

36:44 Caller This girl that I was with last night, actually, is my one of my good friends, old roommates, ex-girlfriends. But and she doesn't even really know that me and this other girl are together because nothing's gotten serious between me and me and the girl that I want to be with. Because we just started and then she went away. She honestly doesn't know that much about us.

37:06 Caller So why do you feel so guilty?

37:08 Adam Well, this new... Yeah, and this new... Well, he doesn't want to screw it up. And this new girl likes you, right?

37:13 Caller Yes.

37:15 Adam Now, what do you, what do you, and that's why, okay. And did you lie to her?

37:19 Caller I have, no. I haven't said anything yet. All right. So I'm just, I'm just, I'm at calling to ask you guys, do I know...

37:25 Adam All right, here, here's what you do. Okay, if you sincerely want to be with the new girl who's gone, you do it this way. You, you talk to the chick you were on top of last night.

37:37 Caller Okay.

37:38 Adam And you tell her, look, you're great, I made a mistake, I have somebody I'm interested in, I'm racked with guilt. You know, I'm sorry if I've caused you any whatever. Sorry about the semen on your curtain that come out, the little lacquer thinner and boraxo. And please, please, please, then let's just keep this private between the two of us. Now, you do that. Then, eventually, one day, somebody gets drunk and talks nine months from now, but you two have been together, and then you do the revisionist timetable history, which is, oh no, no, no, we got together just like a week before we met or we had just gotten together, but there was no declaration of boyfriend or girlfriend. We were just dating at the time. You push it back a little bit. They will find out eventually because you run in the same circle, it will be ten months from now, and you just do the thing and hope she figures it out from a historical standpoint, hopes her calendar is a little bit off. Yes. Thank you.

38:42 Caller I want to know how far back in his mind when he went over there was the possibility of...

38:46 Adam He's a 23 year old. What do you want him to do? Honda 89, 89 Honda CRX, 50 and 56.

38:55 Caller It's the emissions thing, though. The thing is, what about a 2004 CRX? They still make them.

39:02 Adam No, I don't think they make them. I don't think they make them.

39:04 Caller That's why I couldn't find it on honda.com.

39:07 Adam Yeah. It's a little emission thing, but come on, the mileage. What are we going to get to 100?

39:16 Caller Yeah? I don't know. That's a good point.

39:18 Adam Michelle?

39:19 Yes?

39:20 Adam You're 23?

39:22 Caller Yes, I am.

39:23 Adam You're married six years?

39:24 Caller Almost six years, yeah.

39:27 Adam You can't kiss your husband?

39:29 Caller Well, it's not that I can't.

39:31 It's, I don't know. It just really bothers me. I would just rather not. And it's not him. I mean, he's here with me now. He thinks I'm crazy, but he thinks it's him.

39:40 Adam Well, look, he dodged your bullet. So what's the deal? He's been married for six years. I've been married for two years. I see my wife. It's like, you know, I greet her like when a guy enters the game in a football game. Hey, buddy, I give her a quick smack on the ass, smack on the back and in there maybe a high five. We do that fist thing. We both make a fist and hit each other's fist. Now kissing's gross at a certain point in a relationship.

40:05 Caller It could be an intimacy thing. Have you had any kind of issues growing up with relationships or any abuse type of stuff going on?

40:12 Yeah, some sexual abuse when I was younger.

40:15 Adam All right.

40:15 Caller Okay, so that can be an issue because kissing is a more intimate type thing and it could bring up some of those issues. Have you had any therapy around that? Have you gone?

40:24 Caller No, I haven't.

40:25 Caller Okay, so you love your husband, it sounds like. And I mean, if he's sitting there and you're talking about it openly.

40:30 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

40:31 Caller Yeah.

40:32 Adam All right. Here's the thing.

40:32 Dr. Bruce I don't know what's wrong with me.

40:34 Adam All right. Here's the thing, Michelle. If you had some sexual abuse, you know, from listening to this show, you got to get a little therapy for your husband, for you, for your kids behalf, for your future kids, on your future kids behalf. You just got to go to therapy. That's it.

40:50 Caller And it has nothing to do with how much you love him or how much he loves you or even fundamental relationship issues. Yeah. It's not a death knell for the relationship. What it happens when you get this kind of abuse, you get hardwired into certain patterns of relating to the opposite sex, and you need to pursue figuring that out with a therapist that deals with these kind of things.

41:11 Adam She's calling from Oklahoma. Sorry about the big loss tonight, by the way.

41:15 Caller Yeah.

41:16 Adam Go Trojans.

41:18 Caller I like the Oklahoma guys. They have very average offense.

41:21 Adam I wonder what he's saying now. They said SC had a very average offense. Well, that just means they're going to score 55 points on you, right?

41:28 Dr. Bruce I think they did.

41:30 Adam Let's see.

41:31 Dr. Bruce All right.

41:31 Adam So get some therapy. I'm going to be on Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight, by the way, kiddies. Sort of a last minute thing. So if you want to see the Ace Man on JKL., it's on, I think, I think it's at 1206 is when it starts exactly. So if you want to see me tonight, in all my glory, I'll be on Jimmy Kimmel. Dr. Bruce will be nowhere. He's lucky to be here. I got to be honest with you. We'll take ourselves a quick break and we'll be right back after this. You're Ichabod Crane Skinny. Why not just eat whatever you want?

43:02 Caller Why not? Run the risk of your berating me on the air.

43:05 Adam Bruce, by the way, puts in mmm, 12 packs of sugar into your coffee.

43:14 Caller Mmm, six sweet and low or 12 sugar, sure.

43:16 Adam Six sweet and low. Now, if I put a whole sweet and low in a cup of coffee, it's too much. It's a little bit. It's a little bitter. It's a little overwhelming. Six sweet and low.

43:28 Caller That's the genetic thing tasting bitterness in saccharin. Now, something's wrong with you. Well, do you drink? We have the same conversation every time. You drink soda, there's how many teaspoons of sugar there are in a Coke or a Pepsi?

43:39 Adam That's a Coke. Look, you've turned your coffee into melted coffee ice cream, essentially. And by the way, I know, I don't drink, no, I don't drink regular Coke. I drink like a Diet Coke. Because I don't want to drink 12 teaspoons of sugar. But the idea that you take six sweet and lows and put them into an eight ounce cup of coffee is the equivalent to like making like a pot of stew and just taking the lid off a giant container of like paprika and just dumping the entire thing in there, just making a pyramid of paprika.

44:18 Caller You know, I drink a man's cup of coffee. If I came in here with a decaf latte with fat free milk, what a joke.

44:25 Adam Fourteen sugars in that man's cup of coffee.

44:28 Caller It wasn't half and half in sugar. I don't avoid anything with that. A latte, decaf, what are people?

44:34 Adam It would be more manly if the guy had just dropped the load in your cup and stirred it with his penis. That would be a more manly cup of joe.

44:45 Caller I don't know how you got there from where.

44:47 Adam Well, that's a more manly cup than what you've got, my friend. All right, just eat your pie. Donald?

44:53 Yeah.

44:54 Adam You're 21?

44:55 Caller Yeah.

44:56 Adam All right, I'm tired of him already. Let's talk to a chick. Cecilia?

45:01 Caller Cecilia.

45:02 Adam Cecilia?

45:03 Caller Hi.

45:04 Adam You're 15?

45:04 Caller Yeah.

45:06 Adam You're having sex with boyfriend. Dad's trying to stop you.

45:10 Caller Yeah.

45:12 Adam Your dad's trying to stop you.

45:13 Caller Yeah.

45:14 Adam How does he know you're having sex?

45:16 Caller Well, he found my birth control and I told him that I like have really heavy periods and cramping and stuff, but he was like, well, I don't really believe that. And like, he's like really, he's Latino and he's really like traditional and stuff and protective of the whole virginity thing.

45:39 Caller How old's your boyfriend?

45:40 Caller He's 15.

45:42 Adam He's Latino. He knew what the birth control was. Normally you can convince him it's past.

45:47 Caller Yeah.

45:48 Adam Tic tacs or something. Latino men, they don't sweat those kind of details. So, but he's hip. And your mom's around?

45:55 Caller Yeah. She's not really involved in the whole thing. I mean, like, she has enough problems with my brother. He was about to be 23, and he still lives with her. And, like, she...

46:09 Adam Are your parents separated?

46:10 Caller Yeah. They divorced when I was four.

46:13 Adam And you're living with your dad?

46:14 Caller Yeah.

46:16 Adam Wow.

46:16 Caller It's kind of joint custody, but mostly with my dad.

46:19 Adam All right.

46:20 Caller So is he pretty attentive? Is he a good dad?

46:23 Caller Yeah. He's a good guy. It's just that, I mean, like...

46:26 Adam Well, listen, Latino or not, guys normally, especially when they're single dads and their daughter's living with them, don't want them having sex at 15.

46:38 Caller Yeah. I mean, I understand...

46:41 Adam He's not being unreasonable.

46:42 Caller Yeah.

46:42 Adam And it's definitely one of these things where when you look back on it, you'll go, OK, dad was just trying to protect me, he's looking out for me.

46:49 Caller Oh, yeah. I mean, I understand that. Like, I see where he's coming from and stuff, but it's just that, like, I don't know. I don't learn. I've been I've had problems with, like, smoking weed, and he knew that I smoked weed and he told me to stop. And I didn't stop. And now I've started to stop on my own. And like, it takes me a while.

47:14 Adam All right. Listen, Cecilia, we got to take a break. But look, here's the bottom line. You're 15. You're living with your father. He's doing his best to take care of you. Yes, you smoked weed. You shouldn't have done that. Now you're having sex. You shouldn't be doing that. Listen to your goddamn dad. Stop. You're not all grown up. Stop rebelling. Stop trying to talk him out of everything. He's right. And you should listen to him. And by the way, I'll tell you whose life's going to be better if you listen to him. Not his. Mine.

47:41 Caller Yeah.

47:43 Adam And yours.

47:44 Caller No one wanted kids.

47:45 Adam There you go.

47:46 Caller All right.

47:46 Adam Let's take a break. We'll be right back after this. Phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1. This is stone gas. Dr. Bruce, fill in for Dr. Drew. Yeah, laser nerd.

48:45 Caller You know what makes it a good show for me? If Ace Rockolla doesn't creep out of the dark resources of your dark mind.

48:54 Adam All right.

48:55 Caller Well, you're lucky.

48:55 Adam You shouldn't have said that. No, you shouldn't have. I'm tired. You know what I mean?

49:01 Caller Thank God.

49:03 Adam Spent.

49:03 Caller Been a long day.

49:04 Adam Shot my wad on a camel tonight.

49:13 Caller Trinities stage four.

49:16 Caller Put your grin and drop your limb.

49:20 Adam Yeah.

49:23 Caller Yeah.

49:24 Adam Just a dew drop of . I like to end up doing all the strip club DJing. I could see myself sort of riding out my golden years, you know?

49:32 Caller It's really dirty old man.

49:34 Adam Well, you know how when guys can't play anymore, they move them up to the booth. They get off the field and it's time to go and do the commentating. That's what I look at. I look at radio that way too. I look at show business that way. When I'm done here, when my playing days are over, I go to the booth and the booth is the strip club booth. You know what I mean?

49:56 Caller It's just a great spiritual metaphor for the nature of your life.

50:00 Adam I got the headphones on, I grow that ponytail, beard, get the fanny pack, leather fanny pack, get a nice gut gone.

50:08 Caller Little incontinence.

50:09 Adam Little incontinence. Try to lure the girls home with cocaine.

50:14 Caller What's going on?

50:15 Adam Do some blow? You want me to drive? I'll drive. You know what I'm saying?

50:19 Caller Yeah.

50:20 Adam Hey, you want me to walk you out to your car? That's where they score. Is that right? 4 a.m. Yeah. You got to walk them to the car. You know, that's where you get it.

50:28 Caller Sounds like you have some experience.

50:29 Adam Yeah. You walk them to the car and then it's like, man, I'm not tired.

50:33 She's like, I'm not tired either.

50:35 Adam You're like, yeah, man, I got some good blow and that's where it begins.

50:41 Caller Sounds more like a fantasy than based on your experience.

50:43 Adam No, that's how it works. I know. I know it's how it works. Cynthia?

50:48 Yeah.

50:49 Adam You're 15?

50:50 Caller Yeah.

50:50 Adam What's up?

50:52 Caller I was late. Okay, I have a boyfriend now that we've been going out for like two weeks already.

50:58 Adam Yeah, a little louder, baby.

51:01 Caller And he was telling me that he wants a kid now.

51:06 Adam I said louder and you must have misheard me and thought I said speak softer. Oh, I think I heard a smoke detector. Let me check.

51:15 Caller Oh, no.

51:15 Adam Uh, but I need you to be a little bit louder, Cynthia, so I can hear you. All right.

51:21 Caller Are you somewhere you can't talk very loud?

51:23 Caller Yeah.

51:24 Adam Okay. And are you at home?

51:26 Caller Yeah.

51:27 Adam And is there a smoke detector anywhere in that house?

51:32 Caller Yeah.

51:33 Adam I need you to move toward it. Where is it? In the hallway?

51:36 Caller No, in my room.

51:38 Adam In your room? Is there a smoke detector in your room?

51:40 Caller Yeah.

51:41 Caller All right.

51:42 Adam Let's be quiet and see if we hear anything.

51:49 Caller Where is it?

51:50 Caller Come on, you might have five seconds.

51:57 Adam Now I'm bamboozled. Is the battery low in it, Cynthia? No?

52:03 Caller No.

52:04 Adam Okay. All right. It's not chirping. No.

52:10 Caller Guess not.

52:11 Adam Okay. I just heard it. I heard it very faintly. All right. So, Cynthia. You have a boyfriend. He's 16. He wants to get married. No. He wants to have kids. Yeah. Are you having sex with him?

52:26 Caller No.

52:27 Adam No?

52:27 Caller No.

52:28 Adam Okay. Well, it's going to be a tall order until you start having sex. Maybe this is just his way of saying, I'd like to have sex with you. Yes?

52:40 Caller I don't know.

52:41 Caller He always talks about having kids.

52:42 Caller I go like, well, he told me, like, would you like one? I go like, no, I'm too young.

52:47 Caller I want to get like, go to college.

52:50 Adam Yeah. What do you want to do? You want to go to college and then have kids, right? Now, what is your plan? You're calling from Wrigley, California?

52:57 Caller Yeah.

52:59 Adam Where is Wrigley? We don't know.

53:03 Caller Yeah?

53:04 Caller Like Catalina Island or something.

53:06 Adam Where is that? Yeah, she sounds like she's from Catalina. Where is Wrigley, California, Cynthia?

53:11 Caller It's by LA.

53:13 Adam It's by LA.? How close to LA is it?

53:17 Caller Like probably, like, hmm, like 200 miles away.

53:22 Adam 200 miles. So I may drive past it on the way home today. Oh, I may. Bruce might. We'll have to redline. It's like an idiot. All right. He gets home at 530 in the morning, but the sun's just coming up. He's racing the sun. All right. So, Cynthia, here's the dealio. You're calling from Wrigley. You're 15. I smell trouble with this guy. Don't have sex with him for a while. And when you do have sex with him, you have to use protection.

53:51 Caller But Cynthia, wait a second. Two weeks, and the guy's talking about having kids.

53:54 Adam Yeah, there's something wrong with that.

53:56 Caller Something wrong here.

53:57 Adam All right. Please, please, everybody, let me explain to you the way it goes out there. If you start crapping out the kids early, you have no life. You have no success. You show me a culture that spits out the kids early, I'll show you one that's a failure. That's the way it works. I don't know if you can figure it out this way mathematically, but there's a direct correlation between what culture spits them out, how early and how young and how often, and the ones that wait. You wait, you're going to be fine. You start spitting them out at 15, 16, 17, you're screwed, and you should save him from himself.

54:36 Caller I think it's more socioeconomic factors rather than cultural factors. If you take a lot of, if there's a community with a lot of broken families, where there's been like, I mean, this boyfriend, the thing scares me, he's not just trying to get some sex, he's talking about, let's have a good...

54:50 Adam I know in your PC world, everything has to do with money and nothing to do with culture. Oh. But there are cultures, I'm not making a value judgment on them, but let's face it, there's places, Mexico, that do this stuff more than other places, Canada, and are having a little less success because of it. Well, let me just say my...

55:11 Caller Let me just say my...

55:12 Adam It's socioeconomic, but which came first?

55:15 Caller Well, there are some cultural things. I can say I've got family in Norway, I've been over there a lot of times, and there are so many out of wedlock births, hardly anybody gets married, and women start having them in their teen years on a routine basis. So it's a breakdown of the family, there are a lot of issues, so it doesn't have to be...

55:30 Adam It is true in that part, that region of the world.

55:33 Caller That's the highest standard of living in the world.

55:37 Adam They do, they have figured out a way to beat the system over there. Many, many... I don't know, it's almost like 50 percent.

55:44 Caller Oh, it's higher and it's unbelievable.

55:45 Adam Higher than 50 percent having kids out of wedlock.

55:48 Caller And under 20.

55:49 Adam But I would argue... Well, first off, the system isn't going to support that for eternity. If that's the way they're going to go, no one's going to get married, everyone's going to start cranking out kids at 17, eventually the wheels are going to come off with a Norwegian wagon.

56:04 Caller Well, as long as the oil keeps pumping out of the North Sea, I don't know.

56:06 Adam All right, and there's those sorts of things. Yeah, if you're the Sultan of Berni and you're sitting on top of an oil derrick, well then fine, you can support that if there's some sort of false fantasy where people are paying money for a bunch of stuff that's coming out of the ground. I don't know if that's the case with Norway. I don't know enough about it. But all I can tell you is, is if you start spitting out kids early and often, it's going to screw with your future.

56:29 Caller Yeah, the question I have is why is Cynthia even considering going out with a guy and staying in a relation with a guy whose mentality is that this guy...

56:35 Adam She's just flattered that there's a guy that's interested and she wanted to call and brag a little bit.

56:40 Caller Well, for this guy, his turning adult, his rite of passage, it sounds like in his mind is having a kid. That makes him a man. And in cultures, in socioeconomic groups, where having a kid makes you a man, that's the rite of passage. That's a big problem.

56:53 Adam Yeah, that's...

56:54 Caller No, so Cynthia, we need to support her in, I think, fun.

56:57 Adam Don't have any goddamn kids at all.

56:59 Caller The point is, if she starts having sex with a guy, his goal is not to have sex, it's to have a kid to prove he's a man. And that's...

57:06 Adam He's just soft. He's just giving her a little soft shoe because he wants to get in her underpants. Yeah, now what about those Norwegian places? Spitting out all the kids over there.

57:18 Caller It's just breakdown of the family over there, I think.

57:20 Adam Yeah, but it seems like in other places, it's a breakdown of the family. And over there, it's more like, oh, we're so progressive. We don't need to get married.

57:28 Caller No, I don't know that that's it. I think it's a very socialistic lifestyle. My family over there can't understand why everybody shouldn't have a Volkswagen, why one person should have a Cadillac and the next person has to use a S-Transit over here.

57:42 Adam Oh, really? Oh, Jesus, Corolla would have been great Norwegians. Those pussies. They're like, my family, they're like, communist. Sure, why not? You don't have anything. You might as well pray everyone else doesn't have anything either.

57:57 Caller Yeah, well, everyone's, it's cradle to grave medical care. There are a lot of good parts about it. But anyway, I think with Cynthia, I'm just hoping that she's got some support for staying out of a sexual relationship. Even at 15, that's too young.

58:11 Adam Stephanie?

58:12 Caller Hello?

58:13 Adam You're 17?

58:14 Caller Yes, I'm 17.

58:16 Adam What's up, baby doll?

58:18 Caller Well, I have a couple, like, weird questions. Okay. Well, the first one is what I had asked before. Um, I like, this is really weird, but I like to, um, like, think of my boyfriend while he's having sex or try to.

58:38 Adam You like to do what?

58:40 Caller Finger him in the rear end.

58:43 Adam The rear end. Well, that's, that's Bruce's stock and trade. Bruce loves that. Probably, probably dilating right now.

58:52 Caller I've had anal sex and I passed out a couple of times.

58:54 Adam Bruce, please, let's just stick, let's focus on the call for a change. Okay. Um, that's his Norwegian size. Very progressive now there. Okay, so, so you like to do that to him?

59:08 Caller Right. I like.

59:09 Adam Does he like it?

59:11 Caller No, see, that's what's, I don't know, like, I just feel like if I'm going to be, you know, penetrated, I feel like I would like to penetrate as well at the same time.

59:22 Caller Well, except I don't think it's a conscious thinking thing that you're doing. I think there's an impulse to do that and...

59:27 Adam Hold on, if this is really the way you feel, this is a bad sign. Why? Well, it means something's up with you in a pretty big way.

59:39 Caller Like what?

59:40 Caller Okay, hold on. If you're focusing on that during sex, it's...

59:44 Adam No, no, I want to get to this. I want to get to what's going on with you.

59:47 Caller This is her interpretation of what's going on.

59:49 Adam Well, have you, is there any abuse or anything like that?

59:54 Caller Have I had sex? Yes, I have.

59:56 Adam Oh, okay.

59:56 Caller Of course.

59:57 Adam Well, okay. Well, everyone doesn't know that, Bruce. Quiet down. Who sexually abused you?

1:00:05 Caller A Hispanic male.

1:00:08 Adam That's a cultural thing. It's cool. Chris is cool. He's...

1:00:12 Caller Well, I'm not. I'm Caucasian.

1:00:15 Adam No, I know. They do it to everybody. No, no. What happened? Were you raped? Is that what happened? Yeah. And it doesn't... I don't... I don't care where the guy's from. The point is, is you were raped at a young age by an older male, right?

1:00:28 Caller Correct.

1:00:28 Adam How old were you?

1:00:32 Caller about ten.

1:00:33 Adam About ten. And what happened?

1:00:35 Caller It happened for three years.

1:00:37 Adam Three years? From... How old was the guy at the time?

1:00:43 Caller I believe he was in his, you know, thirties or so. He had kids and stuff.

1:00:47 Adam And who... who was he to you?

1:00:51 Caller He was nothing to me.

1:00:54 Adam I know. I...

1:00:55 Caller Was it like your mom's boyfriend or...?

1:00:57 Adam I didn't expect you to say lover, poet, man of mystery. No, I know. But is he... What was he? Mom's boy? Was he a pool man? Was he your mom's boyfriend? Who was he?

1:01:07 Caller He was like a family friend.

1:01:09 Adam Family friend. And your parents were together?

1:01:15 Caller No, my parents are divorced.

1:01:17 Adam And so this guy had intercourse with you for three years from 10 to 13?

1:01:22 Caller Yes, I was afraid to say anything.

1:01:24 Adam Yeah, no, I know how it goes, but it just seems incredible that your mom or your dad, no one ever found out?

1:01:32 Caller No.

1:01:33 Caller No one ever found out about this?

1:01:35 Caller Well, three years later obviously.

1:01:38 Adam Right, and then what happened? Is this guy ever getting any trouble?

1:01:41 Caller Yeah, he's in jail.

1:01:42 Adam Oh, good. All right.

1:01:44 Caller And my God, so you went to some kind of therapy or what?

1:01:49 Caller Well, the case is going on, yes. After that, no, because I had to be in therapy. You know, well, the case is going, but as far as after that, on my own, no.

1:02:00 Adam All right, well, here, okay, Stephanie, let me tell you a couple of things. Obviously, when you told me you needed to put a digit in your brata, that's street talk. I knew something was up, and when you said I want him to be violated or penetrated just like I am, then I really knew something was up, and the sexual abuse thing is horrific, and it went on for a long period of time, and it wasn't like you were 16 or 17, you were a child, and there needs to be more therapy done here. I mean, the therapy you've gotten is fine, and this guy's put away, and that's great, and you sound reasonably put together considering what you've been through, but not enough.

1:02:41 Caller How old's the boyfriend?

1:02:44 Caller My boyfriend right now? Yeah.

1:02:46 Adam No, let's say three years in the future.

1:02:49 Caller No, right now.

1:02:51 Caller Sorry, 18.

1:02:53 Adam 18, so he'd be 21 and three years. Okay.

1:02:55 Caller So what are the, I mean, do you guys discuss this, or how does this go?

1:03:00 Caller Not really, you just kind of get offended and stop.

1:03:03 Adam All right, look, Stephanie, he should be a little freaked out. And look, here's the reason why everyone freaks out over this stuff, is because it means something. Right. It's not just, oh, I love the way a bunghole feels on my index finger. If it was that, it'd be fine. But no, you were raped, and now you're sort of acting out on this guy. Right. And the guy, he may not be able to intellectualize the whole thing, but it gives him the heebie-jeebies. And that's how, by the way, that's how healthy people react to people that have serious problems. Doesn't mean they need to be, you know, put away and put on a leper island, but when you see the guy with the bone going through his nose, you have a reaction to it. And there's a reason you do, and that's a good thing, by the way. We're trying to talk everyone out of that in society, by the way. It's no, we need that. That's what, that's a, that's a, that's part of the, part of things that keep you alive.

1:03:55 Caller Yeah. So, so Stephanie, if you can deal with this, is not something that's going to tear down your self-esteem and make you feel like you're, you know, you're a bad person, but to look at it as it is the tip of the iceberg, it is related to the sexual abuse. And when you get married, when you get into a relationship, when you have kids, a lot of other things are going to come out. So if you could have the insight now to go to somebody and just start dealing with it and ask.

1:04:16 Adam Tell your, tell your horribly neglectful or at least blind and deaf parents that you need to do something. Because I know these family friends. By the way, wasn't you resent your parents for this kind of thing forever? I mean, look, I got to be honest, my dad missed a couple of Pop Warner football games.

1:04:35 Caller I know we never heard the end of that.

1:04:36 Adam It's on. Right. But you know what I'm saying?

1:04:39 Caller But this dad's gone. And then so how does she feel about man? It gets into a lot of things like how much resentment is there?

1:04:44 Adam Got to go to therapy, Stephanie.

1:04:45 Caller Yeah.

1:04:46 Adam Have to. Sorry. Ultimately, it's better.

1:04:49 Caller Ultimately, it's much better.

1:04:51 Adam No, I mean ultimately may be better than never anything happening and you just being a stupid person.

1:04:58 Caller That's true.

1:04:58 Adam What I mean is look at it this way. It's like an injury. And now you have to rehab this injury but in the course of rehab you actually get stronger than you may have been because you weren't going to work out otherwise. Thank you. You ready?

1:05:13 Caller Yep.

1:05:14 Adam Donald.

1:05:15 Caller Yeah.

1:05:16 Adam You're 21?

1:05:17 Caller Yeah.

1:05:17 Adam What's up?

1:05:18 Caller Yeah. I want to know if like you have sex with a girl but you have and you're a virgin and you're wearing a condom, does it count as you're losing your virginity or what?

1:05:30 Adam What do you think?

1:05:31 Caller I think it does but some of my friends don't think so.

1:05:36 Adam You mean wearing a condom?

1:05:39 Caller Yeah.

1:05:41 Adam It doesn't technically count?

1:05:42 Caller Right.

1:05:44 Adam So it's like basically if you broke the sound barrier but you're wearing a jumpsuit, it wouldn't count?

1:05:54 Caller Very good.

1:05:55 Adam You got to be naked? Really?

1:05:57 Caller That's a great analogy.

1:05:58 Adam Really? You like that?

1:06:00 Caller It's ingenious. That's why it's so funny.

1:06:02 Adam Sonic boom. Look at Bruce kissing ass tonight.

1:06:05 Dr. Bruce Norma is like, I don't get that.

1:06:09 Adam Tonight, he's like, that is genius. You're funny.

1:06:11 Caller Well, let's see if Donald from Dayton's laughing. I don't know what he's...

1:06:14 Adam He's not laughing.

1:06:15 Caller Does he care?

1:06:16 Adam Oh, it's a stupid question. He just wanted to announce to the world that he's finally lost his virginity. That's all. He's 21.

1:06:24 Caller Yeah.

1:06:25 Adam You know what it's like to lose your virginity at 21.

1:06:29 Caller At least I knew when I lost it, I wasn't trying to make an excuse.

1:06:31 Adam Add seven years to that, you know just what it's like.

1:06:34 Caller At least. At least.

1:06:35 Adam At least. All right. Who are we going to talk to? Kristen?

1:06:38 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:06:40 Adam Kristen.

1:06:41 Caller Yeah.

1:06:42 Adam What's up, baby doll?

1:06:44 Caller I have some quick questions for you. One is that, okay, I'm going, I'm 16. I'm going out with a 24-year-old.

1:06:54 Adam Perfect.

1:06:55 Caller He doesn't know I'm 16.

1:06:57 Caller The thing is, we were at a party and then we hooked up and he just kind of figured and he figured, he just figured like I was 18 or whatever.

1:07:06 Caller Because I don't know.

1:07:06 Caller Because the thing is, I always hang out with like older people and I always tend to date like older guys. I don't know why. I always hang out with older people too. I don't hang out with them.

1:07:17 Adam I'm going to make a bold prediction. So your dad's not around.

1:07:20 Caller Actually, my dad's in the military.

1:07:23 Adam And so is he out of the country?

1:07:26 Caller I don't know.

1:07:28 Adam He's in the States.

1:07:29 Caller He's a hard-ass.

1:07:30 Caller And I hate him. Those are a lot of things I don't like about him.

1:07:34 Adam Shocking. All right. Well, your dad is around, but you have disdain for him. Okay. And he lives with your mom?

1:07:43 Caller Actually, no. They're divorced.

1:07:45 Adam They're divorced?

1:07:45 Caller Yeah. I used to live with my dad, but then like some bad stuff happened between me and my boyfriend now, but at the time we weren't going out and I had to move up to my mom's.

1:07:54 Adam Well, listen, Kristen, I'm going to give you a speech that I've given almost everybody who's called and been in your predicament, which is, I know you can easily use your sexuality. Men are attracted to you. You're going to get plenty of attention. Your dad didn't give you enough attention. Now, there are plenty of guys waiting. There's a line around the block for guys to give you attention, and there always will be. You'll realize one day that that doesn't cure anything, doesn't fix anything. It's like putting duct tape on a chimney crack. It's just nothing. It's Jerry-rigged. They also have another rigged word for it. I'm not going to use it on the air. You know what I'm talking about. The point is, Kristin, you're going to end up, but you're not going to listen to me because it just feels good. It feels too good when guys are pursuing you and enamored with you. And so you're just going to keep doing it, and then you're going to get sort of used and used up, and you're going to get STD, you're going to get a pregnancy. Well, no, you say no now, you're 16. Talk to me when you're 19.

1:08:54 Caller She's calling to find out how to tell the guy. I think that's her concern. So, Kristen, are you hearing what Adam's saying, though?

1:08:59 Adam Yeah.

1:08:59 Caller You know? Okay, so...

1:09:01 Adam I'm basing a lot of this on her saying, I hang out with older people, I date older people. You're supposed to be in the 10th or 11th grade. Focus on getting your driver's license, hanging out with your friends and going to college somewhere.

1:09:14 Caller Yeah.

1:09:15 Adam Could you do that?

1:09:16 Caller Yeah.

1:09:17 Adam I'm telling you, it's not a good life. It's a distracting life.

1:09:22 Caller It really is, and it's really getting to me.

1:09:24 Caller But there's a reason, I mean, do you understand there's a reason for it? That it's not because you're more mature than the next 16-year-old, but because of the distance you had with your dad. And it's going to take some work on your part to get to the point where you're not acting out with older guys.

1:09:38 Adam Yeah.

1:09:38 Caller That's going to wreck your life.

1:09:39 Adam Yeah. And let's not mistake being mature 16-year-old as someone who just wears too much lip gloss and eyeliner.

1:09:46 Caller Yeah.

1:09:46 Adam That's and has big cans. That's something that doesn't mean you're mature. It just means you can pass yourself off as a...

1:09:51 Caller You know, sex is not a recreational sport.

1:09:53 Adam That's right.

1:09:53 Caller That's a good point.

1:09:55 Adam You can pass yourself off as a 21-year-old. Tell the guy you're 16, break up with the guy and back off. And I don't know, and we have this discussion all the time, I don't know what you're supposed to do when you have some girl and their dad's in a hole and she hates her dad and nothing else is going right. And all of a sudden some boobs pop out of her chest and a bunch of guys are looking her way. I mean, if I was 16 in high school and there's a bunch of 28-year-old chicks who wanted to pick me up in their Corvettes and go out on the town, I would have immediately done it.

1:10:24 Caller Yeah. Well, she has to have some boundaries put in place by an adult male that she trusts or that's trustworthy, even if it's a therapist.

1:10:30 Adam How do you do it at this point? It's so easy now for her. It's so easy for all women.

1:10:36 Caller And she puts off, it's almost like a firm owner, or a center of something on her forehead that tells victimizer type guys to go.

1:10:44 Adam Come and get it.

1:10:44 Caller Come and get it.

1:10:45 Adam Yeah.

1:10:46 Caller If she has enough insight to get some help, to realize that acting out with older guys is a real problem that could destroy her life, it's a lot of insight.

1:10:55 Adam Here's the other thing, a-hole, neglectful, Ted Beat Dads out there. Son's durable, man. You leave him out in the rain. Son is just like, your son is just like a piece of farm equipment. Just leave it out there. Maybe you have to hit it with a little WD-40 or something once a year. That's about it. Chick like a Steinway. You can't mess with them. And if you do, you enjoy seeing them popping up on your Internet porn site in five years. You know what I mean? They will bite you in the ass. And I'm telling this, I'm telling you guys, don't do it. Don't screw with your daughter. You can't physically do anything. You can't. You have to show her attention. You can't molest her. You can't do any of that fun stuff. You have to actually be sort of present and be sort of decent. Otherwise, there'll just be a life of her. She'll just be underneath. Believe me, one of your friends will nail her from work. And she'll let you find out about it. You will be paid back. Yes?

1:11:51 Caller Yes.

1:11:52 Adam Bruce, you know what I mean?

1:11:53 Caller Oh, absolutely.

1:11:54 Adam Getting cathartic now, isn't it?

1:11:55 Caller Yes.

1:11:56 Adam Okay. Let's take a little break. Yes?

1:11:58 Caller It will make me feel much better.

1:12:00 Adam Okay, buddy. We'll be right back after this. Oh, yeah, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, I don't know, somewhere in Florida. Here's what happens. You know, when you're, say what Drew's like, yeah. You know, when you're watching TV and you're like in your den, you're sitting there and your dog's just there sitting on the sofa or sitting at your feet, all of a sudden the dog perks up and you're like, what, I don't hear anything. And then a minute later, you hear the doorbell ring, you realize that that's what Drew's like when someone drops a nickel. Drew's like, I see his ears perk up, like, huh? Someone dropped a nickel in Florida. I better go over there for a few days, see if I can find it. Goes over there with a metal detector, he's combing the beach, a lot of sand to cover over there. So Drew is doing whatever Drew's doing, which he's deemed more important than helping the kids. But not the Ace man and not the B man over here either. Dr. Bruce has stepped in and stepped up and in no small way. You're doing a great job, buddy.

1:13:22 Caller Thanks. I think Dr. Drew's raising...

1:13:24 Adam Get it on. Break it down. Grab a knee, gentlemen. You said term loosely. Hey, that helmet, not a chair, gentlemen. Grab a knee. Yeah. What's up?

1:13:35 Caller I think Drew's raising money for the tsunami victims.

1:13:37 Adam Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you want to call getting new carpet for his palatial estate, raising money for the tsunami victims.

1:13:48 Caller You know, they just erased a good anal warts question, which really bothers me. Well, people should be aware that they can get anal warts. Really? Oh, absolutely. Oh, a definite risk factor.

1:13:58 Adam You got a story you want to tell us?

1:14:01 Caller No. She's on three. On two.

1:14:03 Adam Okay. She went to two. Well, what about anal warts?

1:14:06 Caller Well, the human papilloma virus is very, very common, and many people that are exposed to it don't have any visible lesions and aren't aware that they have it or that they can communicate it. It's a virus.

1:14:21 Adam Now, how's the anus in terms of receptivity for these viruses?

1:14:26 Caller Oh, very receptive.

1:14:27 Adam Very receptive.

1:14:28 Caller Any mucous surface, very receptive. And they're a different type. You have the flat ones. There's just a multitude of viruses, of strains of human papilloma virus that can cause these lesions. Some of them look like cauliflowers. I've seen some patients.

1:14:41 Adam You have?

1:14:42 Caller Yeah, they have this cauliflower thing grown out of there.

1:14:44 Adam Are they gay guys?

1:14:45 Caller Well, you both.

1:14:46 Adam You can't judge. It's impossible to judge, but if you're getting a fudge pack, if you're a fella, Michael, okay.

1:14:53 Caller Certainly, if that's the regular receptacle for sexual activity, then it can be, yes. So the bottom line is, in women, this can be present without any obvious lesion, and is responsible for cervical carcinoma in a great number of cases.

1:15:10 Adam Carrie?

1:15:12 Caller Yeah. You're 15?

1:15:13 Caller Yeah.

1:15:14 Adam What's going on?

1:15:16 Caller Well, me and my boyfriend tried to have anal sex like maybe three or four weeks ago.

1:15:21 Adam Sure. Yeah, you're way behind, way behind the other teenagers.

1:15:25 Caller But he didn't get his penis like inside of me, and now there's like this kind of weird bump thing on my butt.

1:15:37 Adam This gotta be bogus.

1:15:39 Caller No, it's not.

1:15:40 Adam Really?

1:15:41 Caller Yeah.

1:15:41 Adam How old is your boyfriend? Yeah. You feel okay about having anal sex with an eighteen-year-old at fifteen?

1:15:54 Caller I don't know.

1:15:54 Caller I kind of wanted to try it, but we were kind of hesitant about it.

1:15:58 Caller We didn't really know.

1:16:00 Caller Eighteen, fifteen, that's a little bit...

1:16:03 Adam That's a big three. And it's not as big as nine, and six. That's a bigger one, especially for the anal.

1:16:13 Caller He's a good guy, though.

1:16:14 Adam He's a good guy, and it didn't work. He didn't get it in there. Uh-uh. And now there are bumps down there. One big bump? It's just one.

1:16:24 Caller Just one big one.

1:16:25 Adam Does it hurt?

1:16:26 Caller It did the first time I noticed it, but now it doesn't.

1:16:31 Caller Okay. Well, it could be any of a number of sexually transmitted diseases. You've got to get it examined. And even if it goes away, there are things that will go away and still be a problem.

1:16:42 Adam Where do you get it examined? Is there some sort of mafia doctor you could go to for that? You know, you don't want to go to the family doctor.

1:16:49 Caller Well, you start out with Planned Parenthood, you can, and there's confidentiality.

1:16:52 Caller I had to go to Planned Parenthood.

1:16:54 Adam Yeah?

1:16:55 Caller But they weren't opened.

1:16:57 Adam Well, where'd you go? Where'd you go, like, 4 in the morning, Sunday night?

1:17:02 Caller It was a Tuesday, I think, 1.

1:17:04 Adam Well, that's those people's Sabbath. They're Santerian over there. Tuesday's the Santerian Sabbath.

1:17:12 Caller Okay, but that's the place to start, and they're going to be open tomorrow, I would suspect.

1:17:17 Adam Go over there.

1:17:17 Caller Yeah, you've got to have that checked out. You don't have to have penetration. All you need is fluid. Any kind of bodily fluid can transmit that virus.

1:17:25 Adam Well, one big bug.

1:17:26 Caller And it could be something else. You just need to have it.

1:17:29 Adam Well, but it's one big issue now.

1:17:30 Caller Maybe she can fax us a copier.

1:17:31 Adam She's not a doctor.

1:17:32 Caller That would be awesome. Sit on the copier machine and send it to us. You have to have it looked at by a health professional.

1:17:38 Adam Yeah.

1:17:38 Caller And it's just the reality of the situation. Some people think, well, if I have anal sex, I can't get the same diseases I get vaginally, or oral sex. You can...

1:17:47 Adam You go to the Planned Parenthood, let the bull lesbian sort it out. Let's face it.

1:17:53 Caller Okay.

1:17:54 Adam Some big, bitter lesbians work it at those places.

1:17:56 Caller Okay. How about nausea after sex? That's another good...

1:18:00 Adam Okay. I like Planned Parenthood, but, you know, they're really... they're stupid because they get, like... they get, you know, supermodels to go speak to Congress instead of people who know what they're talking about. Do they? They do a lot of F-ups, yeah. Their heart's in the right place.

1:18:15 Caller They provide a much needed service to people who wouldn't have access to other ones.

1:18:19 Adam I know, but they're screwed up. They're a mess over there. I could straighten them out. I get that company going.

1:18:25 Caller I don't think their consultation funds would go far.

1:18:28 Adam I'd run it like UPS.

1:18:31 Caller I don't want to know where that's going.

1:18:32 Adam What can Brown do for you? Katie?

1:18:35 Caller Yes?

1:18:36 Adam You're 20?

1:18:37 Caller I'm 20.

1:18:38 Adam What's up?

1:18:40 Caller Yeah, I actually had unprotected sex with the next boyfriend about a week ago. And today I've just been feeling so nauseous and like throwing up and I guess I'm just really paranoid that I could be pregnant and I was wondering if it's too early to tell or...

1:18:58 Adam A week ago. One's morning sickness really kick in a full... Week seems pretty early.

1:19:04 Caller It does seem pretty early.

1:19:04 Caller Yeah, that's what I thought that... That's what I'm calling.

1:19:08 Caller You need to have a pregnancy test and it could be something else related to having sex.

1:19:12 Adam No.

1:19:13 Caller Sure, it could. You could have a urinary tract infection.

1:19:15 Adam That's gonna make her nauseous.

1:19:17 Caller Oh, absolutely.

1:19:18 Adam Really? Who's the doctor here? I never heard that. All right. So, get a pregnancy test.

1:19:25 Caller Yeah, I would get the pregnancy test anyway. And also just get examined by a health professional. Again, Planned Parenthood to start out with. But you want to just have some basic things done and get into the system.

1:19:36 Adam Yeah. Here's the thing too. I don't know how long it takes before morning sickness kicks in. And I imagine it's different from woman to woman, but a week would, I think we would agree that's on the short side.

1:19:47 Caller Yeah, but right. But she still needs to get examined.

1:19:50 Adam Here's the other thing, too. People, folks, I'm tired of people getting a flu and calling it food poisoning.

1:19:57 Caller Right.

1:19:58 Adam You're not all been poisoned. You get the flu. A lot of people get the flu, you know, once a year. You vomit, you get the shakes, you start sweating, you got to lie down, you get a temperature. Everyone's like, oh, food poisoning, man. Food poisoning. What happened? Oh, drank some bad stream water and had some rits. Really? You think that's a food poisoning? Yeah. Yeah. I've been vomiting all night. Yeah. Maybe you got the flu. Yeah.

1:20:23 Caller Well, you can get the bacterial infection or a viral infection, or you can eat a pre-formed toxin that was formed by a bacterial.

1:20:30 Adam Yeah. I feel that my, my, my, my assistant has the flu. He had to go home early.

1:20:37 Caller The vomiting flu or the...

1:20:38 Adam Then he come in today. And I have to be sympathetic, but I'm really angry that I'm paying him and he's not coming in. So you do that, no, no, buddy, take your time. Now you get all better, you're going to be there tomorrow, right?

1:20:50 Caller So then they come in and vomit in the wastebasket or...

1:20:52 Adam I don't care...

1:20:53 Caller .look pale as a ghost and make you feel, you don't feel bad.

1:20:55 Adam Haul your green ass into that office. Start rattling them pots and pans. I got work to do.

1:21:01 Caller Yeah, well...

1:21:02 Adam Now what is it? What is... what would you say, when somebody gets nauseous and vomits and fever, what... how often is it food poisoning versus like the flu?

1:21:14 Caller Well, it depends at what point after you... if you eat something and you're vomiting two hours later, then it's probably eating something that had a bacterium and formed a toxin. I mean, it usually takes 12 hours.

1:21:25 Adam Let me bring this up. Yes, thank you. Because in my two experiences where I pretty much absolutely knew I had food poisoning, one was in Maryland eating a soft-shell crab at about eight o'clock in the evening and then vomiting, violently like four in the morning. The other was when everybody over at The Man Show got hold of some bad oyster stew or something. And everyone who was together, we went to a bachelor party that night, 2 a.m. So exactly 12 hours later, people were just, it was just a squirting wiper spray out of their ass and vomiting and all that. Both, in both cases, the two times I got food poisoning, it was 12 hours straight up. Now people say there's other types of food that create other types of toxins where it kicks in in three hours. Is that true?

1:22:19 Caller Yeah, if you have a pre-formed toxin, if the food's left out and you have a bacteria that produces a toxin and you eat it, then you're getting sick from the toxin that irritates your stomach lining.

1:22:28 Adam How come the two times I had it was 12 hours?

1:22:31 Caller Well, then you probably got a virus, a food, something in the food where you got an infection. It just takes more time for the infection to kick in.

1:22:39 Adam So they're both food poisoning, but what was caused by a virus?

1:22:44 Caller Or bacteria. Food poisoning is a layman's term that just describes I ate something and I got the runs and threw up, or I just threw up, or I just got the runs. Right.

1:22:52 Adam And usually, just as a rule of thumb, how long after you consume that food does the symptoms start manifesting themselves?

1:23:01 Caller If you're getting the infection, the virus or bacteria is growing and making you sick, then it's going to be 8-12 hours. If it's something you ate that had- where you're vomiting in an hour or two, then it's something where the food was left out, like the mayonnaise is-

1:23:14 Adam So they're both food poisoning, but they're different types. Yeah. And one is an actual- an infection in you, and the other is just the thing you put in you is bad.

1:23:22 Caller Right.

1:23:23 Adam That's one way. Interesting.

1:23:24 Caller It's very generalized.

1:23:25 Adam No. I didn't know that. So it could be an hour and that could be- but in general, if you were to make a statement, would you say it's usually 8 hours after you eat or 12 hours after you eat?

1:23:38 Caller I'd say 8-12 hours.

1:23:39 Adam 8-12 hours. And that's usually what food poisoning is.

1:23:43 Caller Well, again, food poisoning, some people describe it as they'll say-

1:23:47 Adam All right. But the point is, I think a lot of people are getting the flu and just calling everything food poisoning.

1:23:52 Caller Well, then the term flu is very misleading. If you've ever had real influenza A or B, influenza is a totally different experience, a totally different disease than what people described as the flu. So when you get in flu- I had influenza about seven, eight years ago and I have diagnosed it, I've treated it, but I had no idea how different it was from- The flu, common flu. Yeah, just the very rapid onset of severe bone pain and chilling, a high fever for three days that you just can't bring out, fever 100, 400, 105.

1:24:19 Adam Is that what happened to your hair?

1:24:21 Caller Well, I wouldn't talk looking at your hair.

1:24:22 Adam All right, buddy.

1:24:23 Caller Yeah, it's a bad radio, but- All right, all right. I'd like to take engineer Chris's hat and put it on your-

1:24:29 Adam Yeah, put it on your mouth. All right, here's the point. So the real flu is a bitch.

1:24:34 Caller The influenza, the flu that you're taking the vaccine for is very dangerous. It kicks your ass and where people die, they will get pneumonia, they'll get an infection, a bacterial infection after or during when their immune system is down and perish.

1:24:51 Adam Life in the fast lane. Well, I would be a genius, by the way, if I could remember one fiftieth of the crap that you and Drew have told me over the years. A genius. I'd open my own clinic.

1:25:04 Caller That's a scary thought.

1:25:05 Adam Yeah. And like, Wanaco for a chin or something.

1:25:07 Caller Be off of the border.

1:25:09 Adam Yeah.

1:25:09 Caller I could see you having it.

1:25:10 Adam Oh, I already could do that one. We'll take ourselves a quick break. When we come back, we're going to speak to Christy. Christy, because she's 20 and her name's Christy. She's got to be hot. All that after this. Yeah, brother, that's what I'm talking about. Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce, filling in for Dr. Drew. Thanks for all those laser calls we got tonight. I begged you guys for laser calls at the beginning of the night because that's what Bruce's forte is.

1:25:55 Caller But it was anal sex night.

1:25:57 Adam He's the laser man. How do I know he knows so much about lasers? I co-signed for one of them. That's how I know. When's Bruce coming back? Tomorrow night. I'll bring it.

1:26:06 Caller You know what? It's my fault. We got a bunch of calls on lasers in the beginning of the show. And I didn't hear the call out.

1:26:14 Caller And Corey was asking me and I said, I don't think so.

1:26:16 Adam All right. Well, tomorrow night we'll get some laser calls.

1:26:19 Dr. Bruce There was a lot of calls over us.

1:26:20 Caller Okay.

1:26:21 Adam Dr. Bruce, the laser man.

1:26:23 Caller We'll laser Anderson's nose tomorrow night.

1:26:24 Adam Take care of everything. That laser, boy. What can't you cure with that laser? Bring down commercial airliners. No, no, no.

1:26:33 Caller Not a good idea.

1:26:34 Adam Take a tat off a biker.

1:26:36 Caller Funereal warts.

1:26:37 Adam Christy?

1:26:39 Caller Yeah?

1:26:39 Adam You're 20?

1:26:41 Caller Yeah, I am.

1:26:42 Adam What's up, kitten?

1:26:45 Caller Well, I think what I have is pretty common because I've talked to other girls and they get it too, but it comes kind of periodically. Like, I'll just, when I'm having sex with my boyfriend who I've been with him for over two years, I'll get just like a burning sensation, almost like I feel a little bit acidic or something.

1:27:06 Caller During or after sex?

1:27:08 Caller During and after. Like, it just sort of burns, like soapy feeling or, you know, and it comes like just randomly. And I've been tested for everything like several times since I've been with him and I don't have anything. But it just sort of feels like maybe like have come, feels acidic or maybe I'm too acidic. I mean, like my pH level maybe. I don't know.

1:27:32 Caller Yeah.

1:27:33 Adam All right. Well, it feels like it's burning, but it's probably not.

1:27:36 Caller I mean, if you've been tested and you're you don't have a bacterial infection.

1:27:41 Adam How long do you guys have sex for?

1:27:45 Caller It varies. It's usually more painful when we've been having like long sex, you know.

1:27:50 Adam Shocking.

1:27:52 Caller But it's it's it varies like 10 minutes, 20 minutes.

1:27:57 Adam All right. Here's the thing there, Chrissy, which you got there down below, you know, in your underpants.

1:28:05 Caller Yeah.

1:28:06 Adam You have sex too long, it will get irritated. That's what I've learned from doing the show, not from having sex for a long period of time, just from doing the show for a long period of time. So the part where you have sex for a prolonged period of time is going to create some irritation and that might be a...

1:28:24 Caller Yeah. He just got back from a trip and I hadn't had sex with him in 10 days. And it was like the first five minutes it started burning and it felt like maybe he hadn't shaved or he was too hairy. But it almost feels like, can guys come be acidic or like, I've heard that...

1:28:43 Caller All right.

1:28:44 Adam Here's the thing. Oh, mine is like acid from the alien. It will burn from one deck of the ship down. I'll drop some in the hamper and we...

1:28:55 Caller You have a witness paper next to the...

1:28:57 Adam And I'll just see it, the hamper bottom open up, and then I could... Then it falls through, it starts burning the carbon, then drops the first one and I can actually look down and see my wife in the first row looking up at me. Got a hole in her People magazine. It burns through the auto and into the subfloor, right down to China.

1:29:17 Caller So you're making a point here.

1:29:18 Adam Were we really right above China? If we start digging down, will we hit China?

1:29:23 Caller I don't think so.

1:29:24 Adam We got to look into that.

1:29:25 Caller Okay.

1:29:26 Adam I'm going to start dig a hole at China.

1:29:28 Caller Chris can check on the internet.

1:29:29 Adam He doesn't need to check, he knows. That's junior college material right there, buddy.

1:29:34 Caller China is right below.

1:29:35 Adam That's right.

1:29:36 Caller That's junior college material right there.

1:29:38 Adam Yeah. He's got one of those globes the blind girl gave him at the airport. He knows. All right. So here's the thing with the acidic semen. We have heard before that someone was allergic to someone else's seed.

1:29:52 Caller You can be allergic to your own.

1:29:54 Adam Really?

1:29:55 Caller Yeah.

1:29:55 Adam Then you know what I have to do then? Kill myself.

1:29:58 Caller I think so.

1:29:59 Adam You understand? Or start wearing goggles because I do go.

1:30:05 Caller So when your eyes are bloodshot, then I know what's going on.

1:30:07 Adam There you go. Here's the thing. Kristy, it probably feels like she's allergic to her guy, but she probably isn't.

1:30:16 Caller Yeah. It sounds more like a contact.

1:30:18 Adam Yeah. Some sort of irritation. Why not work a little lube in there? See what it does.

1:30:22 Caller Right.

1:30:23 Adam And she could be getting... I mean, she could just be passing something back and forth too, but it sounds like a physical irritation. Yeah.

1:30:32 Caller Or her urethra is getting a little irritation.

1:30:35 Adam Honeymoon cystitis, we call that. Right, Bruce?

1:30:37 Caller What is that? That's an infection. Urethra is an infection after.

1:30:41 Adam Yeah. And not doing it though for a little while, right?

1:30:44 Caller Typically.

1:30:44 Adam All right. Or whatever it is, you can get checked out. But I want you to try some lube. See what it does.

1:30:50 Caller And call back.

1:30:51 Adam Dr. Mary. Yeah, call back. Mary, 17. What's up?

1:30:55 Caller Hi. I met this guy. I was working at a store and I met this guy through it. I gave him my number and I started talking on the phone. He was really nice. He's 27. And he hasn't dated a lot. He's really, really clingy and it's really annoying. So I really fucked my cousin and I told him all about my cousin. And I told him my cousin wouldn't let me see him anymore because I didn't want to see him anymore. And so I guess that kind of gave him the impression that I still like them.

1:31:27 Adam Yeah. Well, hold on a second. You've been on dates with the guy?

1:31:31 Caller Yeah, I went on dates with him.

1:31:33 Adam Did he have sex with him?

1:31:35 Caller No, he won't have sex because he's afraid of AIDS.

1:31:38 Adam Oh, okay.

1:31:40 Caller But he's 27 and you're 17?

1:31:42 Caller Yeah.

1:31:43 Adam Yeah. And you did that thing. And women do this all the time where they want to let the guy down easily. Bruce, you've probably heard it a thousand times. So they go, no, I really, it's not me. I like you, but my dad doesn't. And the guy just starts thinking, well, we got to get rid of your dad. They don't realize that you're not seeing somebody because they don't want to see you, not because your cousin says you can't see him anymore. Although your cousin's a wise man because you're 17 and he's 27. He's screwed up and screwed up, guys. Here's what they are. If they're anything, they're persistent. You know what I mean? They got time, boy. And they are persistent and these are what the stalkers do. Now, this guy's worried about AIDS. He's a mess. He's a mental ag. He's anxious to begin. Here's what you need to do. Everybody, when you want someone to leave you alone, leave them alone. Don't dance with them. Don't engage with them. And some people make it hard. Some people come up, come to your house. Some people park in front of your house. Some people call you at 2 in the morning. But you can't dance with them. You have to give them nothing. It's got to be like there's a stray cat that's been hanging around your yard. You can't put any milk out. If you put the milk out, cat's going to be there for another month. If you even one night, you can't pick up the phone. You can't argue with them. You can't do that. You know, you know, I care for you, but I just can't do, you know, that kind of stuff.

1:33:06 Caller So what if they've done the dance and now they seriously want to get rid of the guy?

1:33:09 Adam They keep doing the dance and they've done the dance. Don't dance for a week. See if he keeps going. Eventually, you call the cops. If they're crying and sitting in front of the yard and, you know, masturbating with the laser pointer. Oh, yes. I don't have a laser pointer.

1:33:27 Caller But that's a good point. You've got to get serious. You've got to quit messing around. Trying to be nice, trying to let them off easily doesn't work.

1:33:34 Adam All right. We'll take a little break. Be right back after this. Yeah, well, that's the show, Bruce. Yeoman like work tonight.

1:34:15 Caller Are we going to look up Yeoman on the internet fiction?

1:34:18 Adam No, I know there's things like, Yeoman, you're a horrible doctor. That's what I meant.

1:34:22 Caller That's what I figured.

1:34:24 Caller You're welcome.

1:34:24 Adam Dr. Spass, great job. So, until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Bruce, saying, ma-hollow.

1:34:34 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:34:38 Dr. Bruce The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station.

1:34:46 Adam The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, January 4, 2005