Episode 1000662856430

0:56 Voiceover Online is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

1:15 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:16 Voiceover With Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, whoo!

1:22 Adam Yeah, get it on! I couldn't take it.

1:29 The law wouldn't allow it.

1:34 Whoo!

1:35 Yeah.

1:36 Adam Hey, what's up, Adam Carolla?

1:37 Good partner over there, Dr. Drew. Hey, Ace. Hey.

1:40 Adam I'll drop trial. I swear I'll do it.

1:42 I'll drop trial right now. This man will drop trial. He will do it. He will drop trial.

1:45 Adam He will drop trial.

1:46 I swear to God, he will drop trial. He will drop trial anywhere, anybody.

1:49 Adam I will drop that trial right now.

1:55 Turn my God damn mic up.

1:57 Adam Okay, thank you.

1:58 Ha ha.

1:59 Adam I heard Anderson like nine times in my ear.

2:04 Ha ha.

2:05 Adam Nothing, by the way, nothing better when you're doing something and then you got, turn on the mic.

2:10 I'll tell you what I did.

2:11 Adam Traffic, I'll turn on the mic. Coming in at 58, turn on the mic. 58 degrees, Lovelina, Carson coming in. Turn on the mic. All right, you got that, Chris? All right, there, buddy. Hey, everybody, this is Loveline, and I'm saying blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

2:25 Drew Chris, you just cashed in the goodwill you created before the show.

2:29 Adam I'll tell you, I gotta tell you something. I'll tell you what happened before the show.

2:32 Drew You dropped trial?

2:33 Adam I'll drop trial.

2:34 Drew Did you drop down? It's cold out there.

2:36 Adam It is cold out there. You wanna know how cold it is?

2:38 Drew How cold is it?

2:39 Adam I'll tell you how cold it is. Arcadia checking in at 58, Carson 58, Cerritos 58, Cudahy 58 big degrees, Covina 68, La Mirada 58 degrees, La Verne 58, El Segundo 58, Duarte 58, Lancaster 58, Lawndale 58, Loma Lisa 58 degrees, Monrovia 58 degrees, Monterey Park 58, Vernon 58, West Covina 58 degrees, traffic and weather coming up at the top of the hour, boy. Tell you what, 829.29 up there.

3:08 Ah!

3:08 Ha ha ha ha!

3:10 Adam Terrence Charlech-Crisis in the Middle East.

3:11 No.

3:12 Adam Britney Spears is looking to take a little time off.

3:14 Drew What's up with Britney?

3:14 Adam Look out for brake lights on the 405, slow and go. Watch out, traffic in the lanes, 58 in Covina. All right, more news, more weather, more traffic, top of the hour, every, well, actually, we don't do it just once an hour. We do it every half hour, then we do it every quarter.

3:29 Drew Let me get this straight.

3:30 So basically, you talk about the traffic, you talk about the weather, and then you give the traffic.

3:34 Adam Well, here's the thing, now, Drew, when you give traffic, weather, and news every 15 seconds, they start bleeding into each other. So it works like this, I can only get through half the Los Angeles basin.

3:45 Drew I understand, but you're not just giving the traffic, news, and the weather, you're talking about the upcoming traffic, news, and the weather more than you're talking about the traffic, news, and the weather.

3:53 Adam I'm putting my own spin on it, too. For instance, watch how different it is from city to city. Arcadia, 58 degrees, Monterey Park, 58 degrees. You see the difference there? Now watch this, Duarte checking in, 58. See what I'm saying? Because when you're driving to work, let me tell you something. Many people don't have windows in their cars. A lot of folks only have windshields. So you gotta know exactly what it is. And here's the thing, Drew. You get in your car. Sure, you start off in Pasadena, but then you go through Duarte, and you go through San Marino, and Arcadia, and Claremont, and Cerritos, and into Ventura County, and up the Bay Area, and then into Mexico and Canada.

4:34 Drew My car might be pre-1979 when they began installing thermometers in every effing car on the road.

4:40 Adam You don't know, you can't trust those. You can't trust those. You can't trust those. They wouldn't say El Segundo 58, Loma Lida 58, Lawndale 58. They might vary. They wouldn't say the same one on every goddamn one. Oh, by the way, this just in crisis in the Middle East. Trouble in the Middle East. Yeah, trouble in the Middle East. Watch out for brake lights on the four or five, everybody. Slow and go. Watch out, mattress and lanes. All right, well, we're all caught up. We do traffic, we do weather, we do weather, we do traffic and weather, weather and traffic and news every half hour, every quarter hour, every eighth hour, every sixteenth hour, every 32nd hour, every 64th hour.

5:15 Drew You do a lot of talking about the upcoming traffic and weather.

5:18 Adam I'll tell you what's coming up. Coming up, I'll tell you what you've got to look forward to in the evening commute. Look out for brake lights on the four or five. Slow and go, mattress and lanes. Watch out, something's going on in the four and level cutoff there. Tell you what, we'll get that. We'll get that, we'll get check in on that. And El Monte checking in 58 degrees.

5:35 All right, all right.

5:36 Adam 829, 29, 30 went away from the top of the hour, straight up with more traffic of weather, news, traffic of weather, traffic of weather, news. How much goddamn traffic and weather do you think you can pack into your colon each morning?

5:50 Drew Oh, quite a bit.

5:51 Adam What goes on with radio? It's traffic and weather, traffic and weather, weather and traffic, and news, news.

5:58 Drew Well, news is one thing. And you couldn't tune in to the news.

6:00 Adam I know, news is one thing, but it's the same thing. It's always the same crap.

6:04 Drew Oh, no, sometimes I'm just gonna tune in to the news. Why is there news on TV then? I mean, same thing, I mean.

6:08 Adam But when is the last, yeah, but here's the thing. The thing about the radio news is there's two stories that just keep repeating over and over and over.

6:17 Drew You don't wanna listen to it for hours.

6:18 Adam At least you watch the TV news, you gotta be, you get a donkey caught in a well or something. You get to see him get air lifted out of it.

6:24 Drew But you wanna be able to tune in to the news, get the story, and then listen to the news.

6:26 Adam No, you don't wanna be able to get that because you've, look, Drew, other people go home and watch it on TV the night before. You go to bed, you don't watch anything, you don't hear anything, you don't know anything. I've come in here and talked to you about stuff you had no idea what was going on the whole day, the biggest story of the day. So how do you get it on the radio, by the way?

6:42 Drew If I don't listen.

6:44 Adam Okay, well then quiet.

6:45 Drew But if I do, that's what I listen for. I listen to hear what's going on.

6:48 Adam Okay, do you need the same goddamn story every 11 minutes?

6:51 Drew I only listen for like 11 minutes and I'm off.

6:53 Adam Britney Spears is taking time off. Crisis in the Middle East, we got the full story. I like the full story coming up. Yeah, really? They hate the Jews!

7:01 Jews!

7:01 Adam There's the full story. Here's the deal. You tell us when nothing's going on in the Middle East. Until then, we'll just assume it's crazy Arabs trying to kill Jews. All right, then we'll move on. And then, hey, if that ever stops, give us a buzz. We'll talk. Other than that, fine. And here's the headline, fish swimming in the sea. You know what I mean? There's just certain things we don't really need to hear about. When it changes, then we can hear about it. All right, Britney Spears is taking some time off. I hope she takes 1,000 years off. Could you just take 1,000 years, please? Please? Hasn't she been taking time off for like the last six years? What's she been doing? What goes on? What's up with that? What's wrong with our society? I mean, there's hot chicks out there. Don't get me wrong. She's just not one of them. There's chicks who can sing out there. She's just not one of them. What do we give a rat's ass for?

7:54 Drew I've never been good at really valuing exceptional talent.

8:00 Adam That's where you're wrong, because Leif Garrett was a talent.

8:03 Drew Serious talent.

8:03 Adam A serious, bona fide talent.

8:05 Drew If somebody has real serious talent, we're like kind of not interested.

8:08 Adam Yeah, I guess so.

8:09 Drew We're sort of interested in...

8:12 Adam Listen, Hopsin, take your cello, your nine-year-old prodigy ass and get out of here. We gotta listen to what? Cankely's gonna come in here and do a little lip-syncing.

8:19 Drew Right.

8:20 Adam There we go.

8:20 Drew And I heard your buddy, Ralph Carmen, on the K-Rock in Los Angeles morning show this morning, talking about the 100th most overrated people in Hollywood. They finally made the list.

8:30 Adam Drew, how many places did you take up on that list?

8:33 Drew No, I don't rank on the list, because I don't even know the rate of any of those lists.

8:36 Adam Right, okay.

8:37 Drew But it's William Shatner, number one. Curl you in there somewhere. But, and Britney Spears and Madonna's on the list.

8:46 Adam But on the other hand, we gotta have Barbara Streisand talk about, do our interview with her, like 10 most fascinating people of the year. And we get Paris Hilton on the list. Fascinating?

8:56 Drew Really? I know.

8:57 Adam Fascinating. You lost your Chihuahua. Is it, what's it? Nobel Peace Prize, you wrote a book, or you lost a dog. You did a couple of, performed a oral on a couple of guys. You videotaped it, and then you lost your dog. Is it really?

9:13 Drew And some jewelry.

9:14 Adam Here's the deal. Here's what makes you fascinating. You're not fat. That's the criteria for fascinating?

9:20 Drew Rich and not fat.

9:21 Adam Rich and not fat. All right, let me write that down. All right, Drew, what are we doing over here? What's going on?

9:27 Drew We're disgusted.

9:27 Adam We're getting disgusted. We're getting disgusted. Tasha.

9:30 Tasha.

9:35 Adam Tasha, now that you've closed your semen's trunk, what's up?

9:43 Drew Let's try number three.

9:44 Adam That sounds like you closed a hatch. Yeah, it was more sort of a hatch and a steamer trunk too.

9:51 Drew Yeah.

9:53 Adam We're going three. Holly.

9:56 Yeah.

9:58 Adam You're 16?

9:59 Caller Yeah.

9:59 Drew What's up?

10:00 Caller Hi, I was gonna say that you're awesome and you crack me up. I was sitting here the whole time like cracking up.

10:06 Adam Oh, thanks, baby.

10:06 Drew I don't know what's going on.

10:09 Adam Thanks.

10:10 Caller Okay, I'm 16 and I've been sexually active for about three years now.

10:15 Drew Three years. Three years since I was 13.

10:17 Adam Don't they call that in Oklahoma?

10:18 Caller I knew you guys were gonna bust out the Oklahoma jokes.

10:21 Drew Old maid.

10:21 Adam You're an old maid.

10:24 Caller I mean, I didn't like start, I haven't been doing it like often since I was then. That was just like I lost my virginity then, but I really started getting active last year.

10:35 Drew How do you feel about having lost your virginity at 13?

10:38 Caller It's bad, yeah, I regret it.

10:40 Drew So that wasn't a good idea, right?

10:41 Caller No, it wasn't a good idea. I mean, yeah.

10:43 Drew Are you okay?

10:44 Caller Yeah, I'm fine.

10:48 Drew By the way, believe her. You don't get that, you don't have any problem. I don't get any weird projection feeling from her.

10:53 Adam No. Who, how old was the guy when you were 13?

10:56 Caller He was 16.

10:58 Drew So just bad, just a mistake, flat on.

11:01 Caller I realized I was just young and stupid.

11:03 Adam Huge three years there, though, by the way. The 13 and 16.

11:09 Caller Oh yeah, see, I thought I knew everything then.

11:13 Adam Dude at 16 is a man, pretty much, physically. And a 13 year old girl, 13.

11:19 Drew That guy's an idiot.

11:20 Adam Okay, so anyway.

11:21 Drew But sometimes you can't blame these kids where society is, though, you know what I mean?

11:25 Adam A 16 year old?

11:26 Yeah, it's like, hey, go for it.

11:27 Drew She wants the same thing you do. It's like, come on.

11:30 Adam Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Because if we tell a 13 year old chick she's not ready for sex, then you're just trying to oppress her. Trying to impose your will on her, man. Let her think for herself. All right, so anyway.

11:43 Caller Yeah, well, anyway, I've been, yeah, pretty active since then. But like every time that I have sex, and like still, it still feels like my first time. Like, is that normal?

11:53 Drew You mean at the time of penetration there's pain?

11:56 Caller Yeah, like, yeah, like every time I have sex, like every, just like, it's not like comfortable, like still, like, and I was-

12:02 Drew Does it ever get comfortable?

12:04 Caller Um, not really.

12:05 Drew Do you have orgasms?

12:07 Caller No, not with, not with a guy, no.

12:09 Drew Why, why do you do this?

12:11 Adam Yeah, sure doing a lot of something that you're not that into.

12:13 Drew Yeah, it hurts, you don't orgasm, you don't really love it.

12:16 Caller What does it hurt?

12:17 Drew Why do you do it? Why do you do it?

12:19 Adam But hold on, it's like a job and no orgasm, so it's like a job that sort of hurts your back and you don't get paid.

12:25 Drew No paid, yeah.

12:27 Adam And you're not helping orphans either, you're just sweating up a futon.

12:31 Drew And some DB is some, some idiot is getting, you know, his will, sort of his place prevailing.

12:38 Adam I know, could there be less in it for a human being?

12:40 Drew Right. All you're doing is being swayed by him, that's it, period.

12:44 Caller I thought your first time was gonna be painful and I thought like, you have to like, do it a couple times before your body gets you.

12:48 Drew Well, sometimes your body doesn't want you to be doing it a certain time in your life. You get anxious and your body kind of clamps down as a muscular contraction that causes discomfort. And you're sort of prime candidate for that. You're not into this, you don't wanna do it, you're ambivalent about it, stop it.

13:02 Adam Where's your dad?

13:04 Caller Where's my dad? My mom and dad are divorced.

13:08 Adam Is your dad cut out, he abandoned?

13:10 Caller No, no, we live in the same town. He just lives out in the country.

13:14 Drew But do you see him a lot?

13:15 Adam I'm surprised that you guys are actually the same.

13:17 Caller I see him, yeah, like once a week.

13:18 Drew Once a week.

13:19 Adam All right, and do you feel, when did he cut out?

13:22 Caller When I was like nine.

13:23 Drew Do you have any feelings about that?

13:25 Caller No, I mean, really, I'm kind of, I mean, it was a bad situation. It was a good thing that he left because my family, it was just worse while he was here. My mom and dad just did not get along, and it was just constant fighting, so it's not quieter since he left.

13:38 Adam All right, so let me say this, Holly. You're 16, you sound like you're 20.

13:42 Drew You sound sane.

13:43 Adam You have an old soul.

13:44 Drew But sane.

13:45 Adam You're smart, yeah. You're a smart person, you're sane, but smart and sane don't trump F'd Up Dad and Little Troubled Childhood. Not wholesale abuse, just a little scrambling, and now you're underneath a bunch of guys, you're not really that into it. So you're smart. Why don't you slow down a little, find a relationship, you know, you get on some birth control, you get to a little groove, you work it out.

14:08 Caller Alright, but maybe you have a boyfriend?

14:11 Adam And everyone's in love?

14:13 Caller We've been trying to see what the problem is, you know, like I want to have sex, like it's great and it doesn't, I mean it's not like...

14:20 Drew Wait, wait, why is it great? Why is it great if it hurts and you have no orgasm?

14:24 Caller No, like it's not like, you understand, like okay, it's not like extreme pain, but like when we first started, it's fine. It's just like, it just doesn't get any better. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like it's still kind of like...

14:34 Drew You don't have an orgasm.

14:35 Adam How about some lubrication? What about that?

14:37 Caller We'll try that. That makes it better, you know, a lot better, but...

14:41 Drew Do you guys use a condom?

14:42 Caller Yeah, I don't do it without a condom.

14:44 Drew Maybe try different brands of condom, different types of condom, Progen has a bunch of different kinds.

14:49 Adam Wait, she said she was on birth control.

14:50 Drew I know, but she's...

14:52 Adam Holly, you said you're on, are you on the pill?

14:54 Caller Yeah.

14:55 Adam Well, maybe it's time to forget about the condom.

14:58 Caller Well, I just, I don't know, I want to be really safe. I'm like really...

15:02 Drew The pill is about 100%. And again, it's more evidence you shouldn't be having sex. The fact that you can't feel sort of comfortable with it. But I just don't think you should be having sex. That's what it sounds like.

15:12 Adam Everyone's gotta wear condom because I've seen the commercials.

15:14 Drew Yeah, everyone all the time.

15:15 Adam Same chance of getting AIDS everywhere.

15:17 Drew Just walk around with one.

15:19 Adam Yeah, teenagers in Oklahoma having heterosexual encounters. No, no different, no different than gay guys. Just corn holing. Just bloody corn holing until everything is raw. No, Drew, you understand?

15:34 Drew No difference.

15:34 Adam No difference.

15:35 Drew Ask College for that.

15:35 Adam No, no difference, no difference. No difference, why are all the gays dead? Anyone ever ask that question? What? Hey, Drew, what about all your heterosexual friends that are in the ground? Oh, they're all gay. Huh, no difference? Gee, God must really hate the gays. I don't know why he's picking on it. I mean, if there's no difference, why is this entire group dying? Interesting. No difference, though. Hmm, that's at work, Drew. I mean, I'm not a man of science, but seems like everyone has a gay friend who's died. Most people don't have a heterosexual friend who's died, but there's no difference. Got to think about that one. Zero difference? Maybe it's like 2%.

16:20 Caller No, maybe, a little bit.

16:21 Drew How dare you?

16:22 Adam No?

16:24 Drew Need to know if Holly actually had a pelvic exam to get those pills.

16:26 Caller No difference.

16:27 Drew Holly? What? Did you have a pelvic exam, Pap Smear? Yeah. Okay, and that everything was okay? When was the last time you had that done? So it's really about probably the condom, probably the way you guys are interacting. You gotta probably slow it down, calm down, maybe not have sex, certainly not be so...

16:49 Adam Trying to think of a straight, oh, Freddie Mercury, that was a straight guy who died. He was a straight, no, okay. No difference, though. Maybe just two or 3%, two or 3%.

17:06 Drew I'm offended.

17:07 Adam Well, I know, I mean, there's no difference. You can't, and by the way, you can't judge. It's impossible to judge because there's no differences, but it's a heterosexual guy, just doesn't matter. Gay guy living in Haiti, same chance. Heterosexual guy living in Oklahoma, yes?

17:25 Drew Same as the IV drug-using heterosexual guy, yeah, yeah.

17:27 Right, right.

17:30 Adam Tasha?

17:31 Yes.

17:32 Adam What's up, you're 20.

17:34 Caller Yes.

17:35 Adam What's your question, baby, Tasha?

17:38 Caller My supposed boyfriend, like, okay, we've been together for, I guess, two months now, and I went over to his house, Thanksgiving night, you know, I stayed with him, and then, like, we had sex, you know, whatever, and then-

17:53 Adam Did you use a condom?

17:55 Caller No.

17:56 Adam Well, then you have AIDS. Because there's no difference between, yeah, am I right, Drew?

18:02 Drew Of course.

18:02 Of course.

18:02 Adam I've seen it.

18:03 Caller You could be, but I've been checked, and I don't have it.

18:06 Adam Well, you better check again, because I've seen the commercials. I've seen the commercials. I believe Liz Taylor. There's no difference.

18:13 Drew You had your first sexual encounter with him- AIDS. After Thanksgiving?

18:17 Adam AIDS, she's calling from Ohio, Drew.

18:19 Drew Hotbed.

18:20 Adam Hotbed of AIDS. Hold on a second. Can I get AIDS from her, from talking over the phone?

18:26 Drew Are you wearing a condom?

18:28 Adam I am, yes, I'm making it clear, but not on the microphone. Sorry, Tasha, go ahead.

18:37 Caller Okay, like we've been having sex for like two months, ever since we've been together, you know? And I went to leave on Friday morning, you know, and everything was fine, you know, whatever. Well, then he doesn't call me, okay? And I'm supposed to be like his, I don't know, like we supposedly, he felt like we've known each other forever and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, and he would get off real quick too, like when we would have sex or whatever.

19:02 Drew Oh, well, why don't you say so? Now that means, yeah, that means something.

19:08 Adam Now that's different. Yeah.

19:09 Caller I must be doing something for him, you know?

19:17 Adam First off, that can just be an escape mechanism.

19:21 Caller Like you want to get out of that.

19:22 Drew That's right. It can be a quick release. Uh, or, there are really two options. That's his rhythm. That's just his endogenous thing. Or it's a rapid escape.

19:34 Adam Yeah. It's like, uh, you know how a, um, you know, a squid will shoot the ink out?

19:40 Drew Right.

19:40 Adam That's, that's what I'll do.

19:42 Caller Then I'll just, I'll come flying out backwards into the parking lot.

19:45 Drew Let's be fair. You've got to explain to the audience that you've sort of, you've perfected that technique. You've masturbated so much that powder, a cloud comes out of your penis when you ejaculate. So you create like this, you know, it's like, it's like the wicked witch of the West. You know, when she, when she just, we disappear.

20:00 Adam Except for I'm still standing there crying.

20:03 With your, holding your own.

20:04 Adam Holding myself crying, swearing never again.

20:07 Drew No, I didn't say when you masturbate, I'm saying when you have a quick relationship with a woman, you just escape.

20:13 Adam Pow.

20:13 Drew You just, you take it to the point where it's a powder and then you go out and have your thing with your, whatever. That's right. And then you escape.

20:19 Adam Okay, Tasha. All right, so he, are you sure he's your boyfriend? Maybe this is just a little-

20:27 Drew He went to his house-

20:28 Well, he saw me as a girlfriend.

20:29 Drew And she went to Thanksgiving dinner with the family.

20:32 Right?

20:33 Drew Well, he took you to the family's Thanksgiving dinner, right?

20:36 Caller No.

20:37 Drew Oh, what'd you say?

20:38 Caller His family was, his mom and his stepdad, and they were all in a different state.

20:43 Drew Well, you made a big deal about Thanksgiving. Well, what happened at Thanksgiving?

20:46 Caller No, like it was just like, I don't know. Yeah, I was staying with him, like, and then like all of a sudden he doesn't call me after that.

20:54 Drew Well, have you called him?

20:56 Caller Yeah.

20:57 Drew And what happened?

20:58 Caller He hasn't called me back, so.

20:59 Drew All right, obviously not a good sign.

21:01 Adam Let me say this, Tasha. There's not nearly as many, it's, there's not as many coincidences in relationships or there's not as much confusion in relationships as society would lead you to believe. You watch these movies and the person's phone number gets washed and they can't make out the last digit and they show up at the person's house right as the person is leaving. This doesn't go on.

21:27 Drew I mean, maybe once every 50 years.

21:29 Caller Once every 50 years.

21:31 Adam When two people like each other and really want to see each other and have each other's phone number and have each other's address.

21:38 Caller They want to be together.

21:39 Adam And have got together more than once. There's none of that, well, he hasn't called in three weeks. So what does that mean? Do you think he's just tired? No, no, no, no.

21:48 Drew I would be more concerned something happened to him. If he actually is into you, I'd be more concerned that he's in a hospital somewhere.

21:55 Adam When you're really into somebody, there's no such thing as, well, it is finals week. You get the phone call.

22:00 Drew No.

22:01 Adam Well, he's tired. He's working a double shift. You get the call from work. I mean, we all know this, listen, everyone, you know that feeling of when you're really into somebody.

22:09 Drew Yeah.

22:10 Adam You can't keep them away.

22:12 Drew There are people that are total a-holes men who once they get the relationship established, will start sort of ping ponging. They're kind of be there sometimes when they feel like it, not when other times. And they actually do like you as much as they are capable of.

22:25 Adam Right, but they sort of feather the gas a little.

22:28 Drew Right, and that's just an a-hole.

22:30 Adam Right.

22:30 Drew And a regular guy wants to be with you, is with you.

22:33 Adam Right.

22:34 Drew And the guy who's telling you it's over, starts backing away, starts pulling out. But I really can't.

22:39 Adam He doesn't tell you it's over.

22:40 Drew I go to his house. I check out, I'm really, I would be concerned with his physical well-being.

22:44 Adam I wouldn't. I would just say, look, if his corpse is rotting in the living room, so be it. And if not, that's less than a tenth of 1%. The real high percentage, smart money is, he's just being an a-hole. And you've called him, he should call you.

23:00 Drew Yes.

23:00 Adam That's it.

23:01 Drew Yeah.

23:01 Adam Everybody, just please play along with that. And the yo-yoing, feathering the throttle guy, the guy who gets established in a relationship, a little cathartic group perhaps, and then likes to feather it a little bit, you don't want to be with that guy anyway.

23:13 Drew Right, that's right.

23:15 Adam Because he'll just sort of back off and reel it in.

23:17 Drew Unfortunately, those are the guys, because they're random reinforcers, they get established firmly with the women.

23:22 Adam Right, yes, you get away from the guy, five weeks goes by and the phone rings at two in the morning. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'll tell you, by the way, that's the first thing you know these guys are liars, because they're incapable of doing a lot of thinking.

23:35 Drew Any male that starts any discussion with, I've been doing a lot of thinking, just hang up, run.

23:40 Adam By the way, I've been doing a lot of thinking, it means he's staring at his penis while he's talking to you and drunk.

23:44 Drew Porn or something, that's what he's thinking about.

23:47 Adam Tasha, here's what you can, here's what you always, just replace, I've been doing a lot of thinking with, I haven't been getting laid. That's what you should be hearing. You see what I'm saying? Drew, you do the, I haven't been getting laid, at the same time I do the, I've been doing a lot of thinking, you ready? We'll call it Tasha. What's this guy's name, Tasha?

24:05 Caller Tasha?

24:07 Drew Will. Will.

24:08 Adam All right, Drew, now do you know your line?

24:10 Drew I haven't been getting laid.

24:11 Adam Yeah, all right. I'll cue you and I'll say it's not a thing. So here's what it should sound like to you now, okay?

24:17 Drew Bring.

24:18 Adam Bring. You gotta pick up, bring.

24:22 Drew Tasha, pick up the phone.

24:25 Adam Bring. Bring. Hey, Tasha, this is Will.

24:34 Drew Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

24:39 Adam Hey, Drew. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, all right, that's what you should hear. All right? Mm-hmm.

24:47 All right, listen.

24:49 Drew Let's keep going with it a little bit. Wait, let me play a little more of a subliminal man. I'll do a little more subliminal man.

24:53 Adam Wanna try a little more?

24:54 Drew Yeah, keep talking, Tasha, Will.

24:55 Adam All right, so.

24:56 Drew I've been thinking.

24:57 Adam You know what you're doing? Yeah, okay, I just feel like I need to see you right now.

25:03 Drew I've been trying to get there, but I can't.

25:07 Caller You know, you don't.

25:09 Drew I've been turned up by three other girls.

25:11 Caller You know, the old me. But you're the number one.

25:13 Adam That was the old me.

25:15 Caller Where have you been for like the last three weeks, you know, and you just like, up and call me, like.

25:21 Caller I just need a time to barge in and check. I just need a time to think. I just need a time to think.

25:30 God damn it, crying and masturbating and watching porn.

25:36 Adam You know, I can't get you out of my head, baby.

25:38 Drew I'm not getting laid.

25:40 Caller I'd be like, hey, we'll come right over. Since you're playing with yourself, I'll do it for you.

25:45 Adam All right, baby.

25:46 Drew Well, Tasha, she's put on 20 pounds.

25:49 Adam Baby, what's going on? Let's go.

25:50 Drew Relax.

25:51 Adam What's going on?

25:51 Drew Break it down.

25:52 Adam You're going to junior college, what's happening? You're working? What's going on over there?

25:58 Caller Yeah, kind of. What do you college?

26:00 Adam All right, that's enough junior college. It's poisoning your mind, you understand?

26:06 Drew Suddenly, I'm getting a clear picture of this guy's in a hole.

26:09 Adam Yeah.

26:09 Drew When Tasha started sort of showing her stuff.

26:11 Adam Let me say this about junior college. I haven't spoken about it before, but here's the thing about junior college. Junior college, you know what their sign should say? Their sign should read in front, it should say, molding idiots into retards. It's like, we take sort of sub-intell, just sort of sub-average academia, and we actually mash them into the unemployable.

26:38 Drew Chris is offended. You should see over there.

26:42 Adam 100 years of molding idiots into tards.

26:45 Drew Totally offended.

26:46 Adam Yeah, because what it is is, at least when you're an idiot, you were just out on the street, you could get a job. Now you're an idiot with an excuse. Now you got an idiot on an eight-year plan of no work. There you go. You're an idiot on disability now. I'm going to school. And above reproach. No one ever says anything. What are you doing? I'm going to school right now. Oh! That's what it is. You're actually, were we hobble idiots. That's what it should be. Sorry, Chris, I can speak freely about junior college because I only have that one class at noon. If you're taking a full load over there, you know, I wouldn't say anything, of course.

27:23 Drew Time for a break, Mr. Corolla.

27:24 Adam All right, buddy. Take a quick break. Be right back after this. Hey, Loveline, everybody.

27:46 Drew You mean you should have got an A since you copied it from the Asian chick in front of you? But she gave you a D because she knew you cheated.

27:51 Adam Well, I was telling, God, I wish I could remember that fat teacher's name or tell her to kiss my hairy ass. Me llamo Espargo. Yeah, I was explaining to Drew that I had to, the only time I ever studied in junior high or high school or did any kind of homework or anything was a couple days.

28:12 Drew Any, any homework.

28:13 Adam No, any.

28:14 Drew Any, yeah.

28:14 Adam Any. Now, Drew doesn't understand that, I don't think.

28:19 Drew You may any, you don't mean like you did the minimum, you did none.

28:22 Adam No, zero.

28:23 Drew Until?

28:24 Adam Until there was two days left in my senior year of high school. I didn't have enough credits to graduate or I don't even know what their credits or whatever it was. I failed, well, ceramics major, as you know, and failed driver's ed. Kissed my ass, Mr. Gregory, the old F. You rot away, cry, crying to your Swanson's Hungry Man, the old F, you crappy co-lover.

28:54 Drew You got a weathered Felspart.

28:55 Adam And then Mr. Dilleberti, who can kiss my hairy ass over there too. Have fun with your 38 grand a year, you old puke. Fell me out of biology. I wasn't able to graduate unless I passed them at my finals in Spanish. So I actually studied.

29:14 Drew And then you copied from the Asian chick.

29:16 Adam I did copy from the Asian chick in front of me because that's called insurance.

29:22 Drew But you should have gotten a better grade based on that.

29:24 Adam Yeah, because I pretty much went verbatim for her stuff. And I know she got an A or a B, and I got a D and I was outraged, but it didn't matter because all I needed was a passing grade to get a D in the class.

29:38 Drew Mrs. Paco, whatever her name is, certainly didn't want to see you back next year.

29:41 Adam No, well, first off, I want to come back next year.

29:44 Drew But you know what I'm saying?

29:45 Adam Yeah.

29:45 Drew She wanted you to pass too.

29:46 Adam All right, and here's the moral of the story. All right, has anybody ever wanted to see my high school diploma? Sorry for spitting on you, Drew, just spit on Drew.

29:56 Drew But here's the deal. You could have either gone into the illustrious career of carpet cleaning, which you entered, or entered the eternal math class like Chris.

30:04 Adam Yeah, yeah, Chris has entered the purgatory of math. He's been going to the same math class.

30:09 Drew Even the purgatory is supposed to go up different levels.

30:11 Adam Oh, there's different levels?

30:12 Drew Yeah, he's supposed to move up towards heaven eventually.

30:15 Adam Well, let's just make it like the iron lung of math classes. He's just locked in in one place. I've known him for over a year and I've been taking the same math class. What's going on, Chris?

30:25 Pretty much, well, I'm actually gonna pass this time, hopefully.

30:28 Adam Are you gonna pass?

30:28 Drew Hopefully, yeah.

30:29 Adam And then you parlay that into another math class or what goes on?

30:32 Yeah, unfortunately.

30:34 Adam Really?

30:35 Drew I'm confused. When I ran into you working with Pat Morita there over at the Starbucks, I ran into Chris one day. And he was working with some guy.

30:44 Caller No, yeah, we were just going over the schedules and stuff.

30:47 Drew That was a year and a half ago.

30:48 Caller A different math class.

30:49 Drew That was a year and a half ago.

30:51 Adam Yeah.

30:51 Drew Certainly a year ago, certainly a year ago. Yeah. Well, what's happened since then?

30:55 Adam That was beginning math. This is math 101 and then he makes his way into intermediate math and then it's back to beginning and then basic math.

31:02 Drew It takes time.

31:03 Adam It's 400 math class.

31:04 Drew Gluttony, avarice, lust. Just all the different levels of purgatory.

31:08 Adam All right, buddy. Let's go. I'm ready to put you to work by the way.

31:12 Caller All right, let's do it.

31:13 Adam All right. Give me a coffee. Here we go now. I told you I was gonna put you on the air, didn't I?

31:21 Caller Right, yeah. Yeah.

31:23 Adam Now remember we worked out that thing where you say, hey.

31:26 Caller Hey. Oh, yeah.

31:28 Adam Got it now. Yeah, because what we're talking about this a couple, maybe last week, which is I have, I talk on the cell phone about two hours a day. Two hours a day, at least 40 minutes out of that, the phone is cut off and I don't know it. And I'm usually in the middle of a long-winded rant.

31:45 Caller Really?

31:46 Adam Yes, it coasts on for about 15 minutes and then it stops and I go, hello? Hello? And then it's silent. And then there's the other embarrassing one where you're doing the rant and you get gunshot and you stop in the middle and you go, are you there? And they go, yeah. So I noticed in Japan, they just say, hey! And they just keep saying, hey! And the person just keeps agreeing. Hey, a good one. That's true. I want you to do it with me. I'm gonna do my very basic, don't hi yet. I want you, I'm gonna do my very basic traffic rant and here's what it would sound like. I want people to start doing this on the cell phone too. I don't understand why the left-hand arrows ever have to turn red. I mean, I just turn and I don't, now Drew, you gotta get that.

32:28 Drew I wanna give you a little chance to get in it. Come on, come on, come on.

32:31 Adam Let me.

32:31 Drew You gotta trust the guy at the other end too. You can't insist on a hi every sentence or do you need that kind of validation?

32:37 Adam I kind of do, yeah. You wanna try it again?

32:42 Drew You gave it yourself.

32:43 Adam What happened to the left-hand, what happened to the left lane? I don't understand. In Germany, they have a left-hand lane on the freeway. It's called the passing lane. In Los Angeles, there's no difference between the left-hand lane and the passing lane. Am I right, Drew? Am I right? Am I right? All right. You see how that works, Chris? Very, very good. No. Hey.

33:02 Drew Hey.

33:02 Adam There you go. That's all. I just want people to start adopting, especially on the cell phone, at least when they're dealing with me. All right, Chris, you ready to rock on?

33:13 Drew Let's rock. What kind of math are you studying? I'm so curious. Whatever.

33:19 Adam Come on, leave me alone.

33:20 Drew I'm just curious.

33:21 Adam Leave me alone. You know, hot shot over there, cause I went to college. I graduated college.

33:27 Drew Hey, Claire. Yeah? What's going on? You're 22.

33:31 Caller Yes, I am. And I'm calling from Casadena. I have a question about my boyfriend. We've been dating for two years now. And he does not want to have sex anymore.

33:43 Drew Excuse me a second, Claire. Hang on a second. You answer North American Indian, I'll answer Japanese. Mm-hmm. Okay.

33:49 Caller Mm-hmm, okay.

33:51 Drew Uh-huh, he does not want to have sex anymore.

33:53 Caller No, he doesn't want to. Hi.

33:56 Caller Hi. Hi.

33:56 Caller We have a great time.

33:58 Caller We have a great time, everywhere else, but he just, you know, not into it anymore, I guess.

34:05 Drew Bad sign.

34:06 Caller Not a good sign.

34:07 Drew How old is this guy?

34:08 Caller He's 25.

34:09 Adam 25. Three years is, to me, three years at 22. If you told me you were 19, you've been a three-year relationship, say you gotta end it tomorrow. If you tell me you're 22 and you've been a three-year relationship, you gotta end it Friday.

34:22 Drew Well, it's, something needs to happen. Let's put it that way. Yeah. It needs to evolve.

34:28 Adam He's right.

34:29 Drew One way or the other.

34:29 Adam He's coasting.

34:30 Drew Yeah, he's coasting. It's coasting. Or, let's make sure it's not something biological going on. Is he on medication?

34:35 Caller No, but his family has had a horrible history with his sister and his brother, and they were both accused of molesting each other.

34:42 Adam And, you know, I mean. Hi.

34:46 Caller They had a horrible relationship together, and they went through counseling for one of them molesting the other, but they don't still have the full story.

34:55 Drew But was he involved in a lot of this chaos? Was it a very dysfunctional family through and through?

35:00 Adam Sounds like it. I mean, what's it got to do with brain tumors?

35:02 Drew And does he got any other problems, sexual compulsions, addiction, anything else going on?

35:06 Caller No, not at all.

35:08 Drew And your relationship, otherwise, has been stable and good?

35:10 Caller Wonderful, yes.

35:13 Drew And how long has he been out of the game?

35:16 Caller Probably, well, I would say about a year. I've been trying everything like lingerie and all fun stuff.

35:25 Adam Are you looking to get married?

35:26 Caller Yeah, probably, eventually, I would say.

35:29 Drew I'm gonna try that, just stop all of a sudden and see if my wife starts trying to stop. Oh, that's a problem. We gotta shut it down, Adam, that's the problem here.

35:49 Adam Hey, Claire, your wife would just threaten you with a kitchen knife. Get a boner.

35:52 Drew And your wife would call an undertaker.

35:54 Caller I'm about there.

35:56 Adam Okay, I think you need to talk to him.

35:58 Drew What does he say when you bring this up?

36:00 Caller Well, he says that it's just something that he has to do. He's tired, he had a long day, he worked all day.

36:08 Drew Well, that's all BS, frankly, because that's what all these guys always say.

36:12 Adam Also, you need to tell him, look, let's not break this down any further than we have to. Just get a boner and let's get crack a-lacking. Or there's something big we're missing.

36:26 Drew I wonder if he's, sometimes these guys get in these weird excessive masturbation things that there's no steam left. With that kind of family history, you gotta set up for that.

36:33 Adam Well, she's not gonna know. But let me say this, Drew. You compare it to exercise. It's like, it's cold outside. You don't feel like getting up off the sofa. You feel a million miles away. And as soon as you get that first block under your belt, on your jog, it's like you're just into it. Juice is flowing, everything's loofed up.

36:54 Drew That's true, but that's mostly advice we give to women.

36:57 Adam I know, but it can be that way for guys sexually too that get into a little rut and they get a little whatever. Just get going. Just hop on.

37:05 Drew Pay attention.

37:05 Adam Yeah, unless there's a problem. Claire, you don't think he's a compulsive or excessive masturbator, do you?

37:11 Caller No, he's not sexual at all. I've tried porn and he isn't into that. And I tried going back into his history and he doesn't really have a sexual history with me.

37:22 Adam Well, you guys are gonna have to talk.

37:26 Drew He's a little more complicated than average.

37:27 Adam He's gonna have to look into this a little bit. And you're gonna have to be prepared to realize that 22 after being in for three years, that it might be time. You guys just may be incompatible. Doesn't mean you're bad people.

37:40 Drew And you may have taken on a project with this guy, more than you realize.

37:43 Adam Speaking of a project, Tom is calling. Tom? You're 25, you run a group home?

37:50 Caller I'm a counselor at a residential treatment center. And I'm looking for a woodworking project that I can do that doesn't involve saws or glues or other glues that they can sniff or something like that.

38:05 Drew Nor do you, and here's what they want to do. They want to make pipes.

38:08 Adam Yeah, how about a nice hash pot?

38:10 Drew That's what they want to do.

38:11 Adam Or a nice PVC bong.

38:12 Drew That's nice. That's what they all want to do. Trust me.

38:16 Adam And the glues, by the way, today's glue doesn't really have much kick to it. Just your white or yellow woodworking glue or have these new resin-based glues. They don't really smell like anything. I mean, the stuff you get a little buzz off and you'll buzz off some lacquer thinner or some two-part epoxy or something like that. But glues don't have much kick to them. So don't worry about the glue. And what's the soft part? You're worried about them stabbing themselves or something?

38:44 Caller For each other. God knows, just the liability. Yeah, you can't keep sharp stuff around them.

38:47 Adam Can't you? And you want a project for each individual to make or do you guys all want to work on one big guy?

38:54 Caller Ideally, it would be nice to make something for the whole.

38:58 Drew I want to make a deck.

39:00 Adam Let's go to Drew's house and make a deck. We've been wanting a deck for two years. Or how about like a tree house or something? I mean, to me, instead of telling everyone to spread out and work on their own toothbrush hanger thing where you cut out a thing that looked like a tooth and put a bunch of eye hooks on it, why not just all work on some sort of like clubhouse or tree house or something like that?

39:22 Drew Still need saws and hammers though and nails.

39:24 Adam Can you guys leave the property? How about some kind of Habitat for Humanity or something? You volunteer for one of those things.

39:37 Drew There you go.

39:38 Adam Now look, this, I know this is all boring, but here's my suggestion. Look, if you want to work with wood, eventually you're going to have to bust out a saw. I mean, you just can't take a spoon and carve a kayak out of a tree.

39:50 Drew But maybe they're going to have, maybe somebody could be the cutter kind of thing. Is that possible?

39:54 Caller Yeah, that's probably not possible. They could watch, you know, I could do it and...

39:58 Drew Right, somebody cuts.

40:00 Caller Yeah.

40:01 Adam Well, wait a minute, Tom, are you a woodworker?

40:04 Caller I've done some woodworking. Yeah, my dad actually has a woodworking business.

40:09 Adam All right, so yeah, oh really? Wow, how proud you must be. Talk about noble. You know what, Paul Bunyan's your dad. Awesome. Here's, wait, what's Paul Bunyan do?

40:21 Caller He's got a lumberjack.

40:23 Adam Wait, it was a lumberjack, yeah. Wait, who was it? Oh, I'm thinking of John Henry. I was a steel driving man. He did the railroad.

40:29 Drew Oh, yeah.

40:30 Adam Bunyan cut the trees down, right? Bunyan didn't do anything with the railroad? Just trees.

40:36 Drew No, I think, didn't he drive a...

40:37 Adam Bunyan is a ridiculous name for a guy.

40:40 Drew By the way.

40:41 Adam Bunyan? A wart you get on your foot? I said, you got a name a guy after once?

40:47 Drew I mean something in Norwegian or something.

40:49 Adam This is named like a Frank Carbuncle. He was a proud man. Carbuncle was a festering proud man. Needed to be lands.

40:58 All right. Hey.

41:00 Drew That's going nowhere.

41:00 Let's go.

41:01 Adam All right. Let's take a little trip. Let's take a break, Drew. We gotta break it down. We gotta break it down. I'm sorry it wasn't enough help at the time, but I don't know what kind of project you can make. I like the idea.

41:09 Drew It's a great idea.

41:10 Adam I like the tree house thing. Later on people can hang themselves from it. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

41:17 Thank you for calling Loveline.

41:18 Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

41:21 Call 1-800-LOVE-1-9-1.

41:31 Adam Yeah. Loveline, it's the Ace Man. Treble is Middle East, Treble is Middle East. Taking a break, everybody, and trouble in the Middle East. Oh, what could it be?

42:40 Drew Three minutes, we gotta take a break.

42:41 Adam I'll tell you, trouble in the Middle East, Drew. We'll get the full details at the top of the hour. Treble is, we break for weather, we break for traffic, we're gonna break it. Look out for brake lights on the 405. Slow and go on the 101 when you give yourself a little extra time in your morning commute. Hold on, Drew, morning commute, a little extra time?

42:59 Drew Because here's the thing, a spilled load of oranges on the 405, lots of looky-loos.

43:04 Adam Lots of looky-loos, lots of looky-loos. Look out for brake lights. And by the way, I've lived in Los Angeles my whole life. I do the morning commute. I average about 93, 94 miles an hour. I've never noticed there'd be any traffic. I mean, not on the freeways. Man, once in a while you see somebody on a, I don't know, you know, little fender bed or on a surface street or something. Traffic? Never.

43:23 Caller No, not for fun.

43:24 Drew Never, not in Los Angeles.

43:26 Caller No, no, no.

43:27 Carl? Yes.

43:29 Adam You're 26?

43:30 Caller Yes.

43:30 Adam What's happening?

43:32 Caller I love your rants on traffic.

43:34 Drew Oh, you've been playing those tonight, so that's good. Don't encourage him, Carl. Here we go, what's going on?

43:40 Caller 26, my wife is pregnant whenever we have sex or whenever she has an orgasm. Yeah. She has cramps and right after she orgasms.

43:54 Drew How far into the pregnancy? What year is she?

43:56 Caller She's about four and a half, five months.

43:59 Drew You gotta talk to her obstetrician about this. This may not be the right thing to be doing. It may not mean anything. It may be okay, but you can induce preterm labor in some situations through sex. For the most part, obstetricians allow people to have sex provided they're on high risk pregnancies right up to the end. But it may be something going on here you gotta look into. Things like, you know, placenta coming down, wrong position and various things can cause problems.

44:25 Caller Okay, so there's really nothing we can do except for maybe not have sex.

44:29 Drew You need to talk to the obstetricians.

44:31 Adam It's not what he said, but you gotta talk to the doctor.

44:33 Drew I didn't say anything like that, in fact. I said it may be okay and it's not, she's got an enlarging mass in her abdomen and may be causing some muscular spasm when she contracts an orgasm. Nothing you can do about that. Let me translate. The question is, should you be having sex?

44:47 Adam It's gonna hang up the phone. What Dr. Drew say? Said anal.

44:52 Caller Really? Really? That's what he said. Really?

44:56 Adam Are you sure? Would you please assume the position before Drew gets mad? He said he's gonna call up, but that anal follow up. You ever do anal follow up, Drew?

45:06 Drew Anal follow on.

45:07 Adam Follow on, sorry. All right, if you're pregnant and you're having pain in your abdomen, you need to go see somebody, right?

45:15 Drew You wanna cut it out.

45:15 Adam Stop whatever you're doing and go see the doc, right?

45:18 Drew It may be fine. The uterus is expanding rapidly. Obviously the muscles can change down there and they can spasm when she's orgasming.

45:24 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

45:25 Caller All right, let's, huh?

45:27 Adam Michael?

45:29 Caller Michael?

45:30 Yeah.

45:30 Adam You're 17?

45:31 Caller Yeah.

45:32 Adam You're engaged.

45:33 Caller Yeah, long story, but I got kicked out of school. My girlfriend's parents, she doesn't think that I can support her daughter, but I am going to GED classes.

45:47 Adam Oh, all right.

45:47 Drew Well, that qualifies you as able to be an adult and support somebody.

45:51 Adam And by the way, that worthless piece of paper, if I'm hiring and I see the GED, I say BFD.

45:58 Drew Or run.

45:59 Adam I would rather have a guy, like here's the old deal. If you don't graduate high school, you should spend 10 minutes coming up with a decent excuse and then that's it. Knowing what the GED to me is worse than nothing. If I'm a potential employer, my other thing is like, here's the thing, here's what here's. Drew, ask me why I didn't get my, where's your diploma? I didn't get my degree.

46:18 Drew How did you graduate high school?

46:20 Adam Well, my dad actually went overseas. We went to Europe for a couple of years, junior and senior year. And then I came back and I just needed to get to work at that point. I mean, I didn't want to be a 20 year old in high school.

46:31 Drew And I see here, you've got nice letters of recommendation as opposed to.

46:36 Adam GED is, here's what it is. GED is, I went into rehab my junior year for as I was a sniffing copier toner.

46:46 Drew It's a sniffing copier toner. And I just kept doing that all day. I didn't go to school.

46:49 Adam Yeah, I didn't do anything. Yeah, that's right. And then they basically threw me a bone with this piece of paper. That's really, it's really just confirmation that you know I'm an idiot. Yeah, don't bother with that GED. And Michael. Yeah. Okay, you're 17. You don't need to be getting engaged at 17. Everybody, everyone is right.

47:09 Drew It does not solve any problems.

47:10 Adam Here's the thing, you don't have to break up.

47:13 Drew Just don't get married.

47:14 Adam Just don't get married.

47:14 Drew And don't have kids.

47:17 Adam Don't have any kids, work it out. Believe me, we're geniuses and you'll learn that soon. Take a quick break, be right back after this.

47:24 Caller All right, guys, here's the deal.

47:25 You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:29 One call is all you need to make.

47:31 Caller Call the Dateline, 877-889-DATE.

47:34 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:35 1-800-HOLLA-HOLLA, LOVE-191.

47:54 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam, that's Dr. Drew.

47:57 Drew Why don't you yell at your neighbor from here? This season, you should be yelling at nothing, not your family.

48:03 Adam Everybody. I would really like to, here's what I wanna create. Here, you know my idea of a utopia? Because I've had so many jack-off neighbors over the past few years. I would like, here's the only thing I can understand. Everyone who has a house or even an apartment has a story about that neighbor, you know, that idiot. The guy's calling the cops on you. The guy's coming over with the notes. The guy who can't talk to you, he's gotta work through the cops, that kind of thing. I got one neighbor who I get a note from the city because the hedge is too high. He can't come over and say the hedge is too high. I gotta get like served. And here's what these people deserve. They deserve each other living next door to them.

48:49 Drew But strangely, they collude together, those guys, they kind of get together, those people.

48:53 Adam I want, no, I want them, well, maybe. I would like, here's my idea of a utopia. We get the, and then there's the people that magically make it through an entire life without ever calling the cops, without ever sending a note over.

49:08 Drew Could you imagine sending a note to your neighbor?

49:10 Caller Could you imagine it?

49:11 Adam He, my neighbor, here's what it would take for the ace man to head over to your house with a note. You would have to be on your roof, shirtless, with, you'd basically have to be firing flaming arrows into the roof of my house and have full war paint on, and even then, I would let the first 25 arrows go before I came over with a note. There's no stereo that's loud enough, there's no parking that's egregious enough, or you can't hang your bumper far enough out into the street. There's really nothing you could do that would ever make me come over to your house and want to contact you about anything. You just couldn't. I could hear screams coming from your house 24-7. I mean, you could be a combination of Rick James and Dahmer. You could have a white-

50:04 Drew They should enjoy.

50:05 Adam You should enjoy. You understand, there could be light aircraft dropping kilos of heroin that landed in my yard, and I would just pick them and throw them up into your yard.

50:16 Drew Because you and I have a very powerful belief in the sanctity of private property, that that's your private property, as long as you're not doing things that directly damage. I, by the way, have a hillside from my neighbor that falls on my property every year. Whole hillside comes down.

50:32 Adam Right.

50:32 Drew No, I've not said anything to him. I just pick up a shovel, throw it back.

50:36 Adam I've never, yes.

50:37 Drew I don't write a note, I don't tell him I'm doing it. What's he gonna do?

50:40 Adam It's a combination between it's your house, you do what you wanna do, and I just can't stand talking to anybody, I don't know. I'm gonna assume I don't like you in advance, and I don't wanna come over there and talk to you. It's, if you're, I mean, I've had neighbors, I've had people park in front of my garage, I'll go get my car out, and then it was like, oh, you know what, I'm gonna give them half an hour and see if they move before I go over there. There's nothing, I just can't stand it. Now, as painful as that is, as joyous as it is for many of you a-holes out there, like do I bother everyone, send notes, call the cops, do this, do that. Please, here's my idea of utopia. You a-holes just move on to your own goddamn island and bug the F out of each other. You just learn what it, you know what it's like? You should know what it's like living next door to you. The old geezer who's gotta call the meter maid to come by because the car's been parked out front for more than three days and have a toad. That guy, the guy's gonna call the cops on New Year's just because a little too much noise coming out of the house and it's 9.15 at night. The neighbor that's got to send up a note because anytime you trim your lawn or trim a hedge in between, you A-holes should all experience each other in your full A-hole glory. Can there be some sort of a housing project just called Lazy Acres?

52:05 Drew A-hole glory.

52:05 Adam Yeah, no, yeah, A-hole glory's over there and Lazy Acres is over here. That's just the guys who want to play their stairwell, never dream of call the cops or anything.

52:13 Drew Oh, I see, yeah.

52:14 Adam Yeah, we just sit around, we just let live. Let live. I made it my whole life, never called the cops, never went to the neighbors, never put a note on a windshield.

52:23 Drew Yeah, the note.

52:24 Adam Oh, the note on the windshield. Oh, wait a minute. I did put a note on a windshield.

52:28 Drew You smashed a guy up or something?

52:29 Adam No, I put a note on a windshield because I had a guy who parked in front of my house who just dumped trash. He was like, you know the people that just, by the way, they use their car to transport trash and then they roll the window down. They just chug it like they empty their ashtrays, throw the whole McDonald's stuff. I can't stand people that litter, by the way. But I called him. I had the cops show up, by the way. I had a neighbor call the cops because I was working on a house. Somehow the phone lines got crossed like in the construction and what would happen was is I'd pick up the phone to call the dumpster place and I'd be dialing and then I'd put the phone in my ear and there'd be another conversation. So everything sounded like this. Hello, is this Crown Disposal? Hello, who? Oh, oh, sorry, our lines must be, yeah, no, I'm your neighbor. The lines must have gotten crossed or something. Sorry, and hang up. Cops showed up. The C next door or the D, I don't know what they're, there was a chick. C with the D bag? No, no, I'm tending.

53:29 Drew Oh, the D, okay, the C or the D, yeah. Yeah, I get the C with the D.

53:33 Adam Right, rhymes with runt.

53:34 Drew And D is with the, rhymes with wreck, wreck, yeah.

53:37 Adam The point is, is cops show up at the house.

53:39 Caller What's going on with the phone?

53:41 Caller I was like, I'm doing it.

53:43 Adam You can't come, what?

53:45 Caller You're calling the cops?

53:46 Adam And by the way, what's my plan to pick up? I'm listening in on your crappy phone conversations about soap hoppers, and I pick up the phone and I'm talking into it? And then everyone's using the cops. All right, please stop, everyone. Stop at the cops, stop calling the cops. Leave them alone. Cops coming over, get the phone line across. What's the master plan? I'm admitting what's going on.

54:06 Drew Again, there should be a charge for that.

54:08 Adam All right, all right.

54:09 Drew A fee for everything else.

54:11 Adam All right, Drew, let's keep going. Let's keep going. Caitlin's over here. Caitlin's, yeah, 20. Caitlin? What's up? Hey.

54:22 Okay, so let me start this by saying, I've been dating, I dated this guy in high school for two years, and then we broke up when he got to college. I mean, a year older than him, and which is probably the problem. But anyways, he started calling me all summer long. He was in Texas for baseball, and we started sleeping together again. And lately, the most recent thing is, I told him, we had made plans over the phone, you know, that I was gonna come over.

54:56 Adam You know what I would have made a great neighbor for? John Wayne Gacy.

55:01 Drew Which one was he? He was the, which one was he?

55:04 Adam Who, you don't know anybody.

55:05 Drew Did he get the penis cut off or something? What happened to him?

55:07 Adam No, no, no, no, no. That was Billy Ray or Billy Bob or John. That was John.

55:13 Drew Something else.

55:14 Adam Yeah, John Wayne Gacy is the guy who dressed as a clown and buried everyone under his house.

55:19 Drew Yeah, you will let him get over that. You will let him just.

55:22 Adam I would have been seeing a face through the shade at four in the morning and a big nose. Just a silhouette. No, silhouette through the shade. Huge nose and a pointy clown hand.

55:32 Drew With a bozo head.

55:32 Adam A big bozo head strangling a nine-year-old. And I'd be like, well, you gotta live and let live. Come see, come saw. What are you gonna do? Screams coming, just screams and then horrible smells coming from underneath the house. Listen, I'm not the boss of him.

55:47 Caller You gotta live and let live.

55:49 Adam Caitlin?

55:49 Drew Yes? So anyway. So you're having sex with him again and?

55:59 Adam Drew, hold on, for that you're getting a fart. Drew doesn't have serial killers. Come on, buddy. All right, sorry, having sex, yeah, baseball. Here we go.

56:09 Right, anyways, so I told him I was coming over tonight and I was gonna be waiting for him in sexy lingerie, right? And he didn't come home that night, he was at a party. I tried calling him. He wouldn't pick up my phone. He came home, dropped off his roommate, and then left. And left me there in his bed. And he didn't talk to me for like a week or two after that. And he says that the whole reason for that was because he was mad I was in his bed without him.

56:41 Drew No, it's BS.

56:43 Who, he just doesn't-

56:44 Why is he mad about that?

56:46 Drew He's, look, he's just an a-hole. He's out with somebody else. He got some other, something interested in him, something shiny, whatever. And he went after that.

56:54 Okay, well, then I had a sex party at his house. You know, when the lady comes and brings all those dildos and you get to check them out and everything.

57:01 Caller Yeah, sure, of course.

57:03 Drew Adam has those parties all the time.

57:04 Exactly.

57:05 Drew Neighbors complain, though.

57:06 Well, we're in college. We have those, you know. Right. But anyways, he came home and we're having that party and everything. He left, picked up a girl and brought her back, who she actually introduced herself to me. And then they went to bed together while I was still there.

57:24 Caller Well, why do you think he did that?

57:27 Adam Oh, my god, Caitlin. As long as you're counting guys who are, you know, what about Dr. Drew? He's married and having sex with another woman. Yeah, he's not your, that's your boyfriend.

57:38 Drew Well, if he, you're like a stalker and he's trying to shake you.

57:42 Adam Yeah, he's obviously trying to, you know, dissuade you the best way he can.

57:47 Drew He's being, he's being-

57:48 Adam By the way, what college could you possibly be going to?

57:53 Drew University of Nevada, Reno.

57:55 Adam Really? What do they do? Oh, they teach like slot machine repair?

57:59 Drew Sex toy.

58:01 Adam My picture is a whole thing. Based on, here's how you rig a roulette wheel. This is, hey, you're gonna be late for the buffet class. Oh, no, no, no, don't eat the rice. That's what they want you to eat.

58:14 Drew Load up a bunch of shrimp, load up a bunch of shrimp. But, Katelyn, this guy is in no uncertain terms absolutely done with this relationship and wants you out of the house. That's what this whole thing is.

58:25 Adam Yeah, how about taking a clue?

58:34 Drew Because he wants you out. He wants you out of his life, out of his house.

58:39 Adam And look, listen, ladies, if I have to hear that, I don't care, I'm over it. I just don't understand. I want to know why. I mean, I don't care. I don't like him. I'm past it.

58:48 Drew I'm over it. Guys do not-

58:50 Adam I just want to know.

58:51 Drew Guys do not play games. He is just on to the next thing.

58:55 Adam What do you want to know? He's an idiot.

58:57 Drew You're gullible. He's on to the next thing and you're not leaving.

58:59 Adam That's it. What is there to know? That's it. Move on, baby. You're hot.

59:06 Drew Get out of there. Get out of this guy. You should never be treated like this by anyone ever.

59:11 Adam You're too good for him.

59:12 Drew Whatever, whether you are or you're not, this is-

59:15 Adam You might not be good enough for him.

59:17 Drew The point is this is inhuman treatment and no one deserves that.

59:20 Adam Yeah, he deserves better. I agree with Drew.

59:22 Drew Just get out of there.

59:23 Adam Out.

59:23 Caller Okay, I'm out.

59:25 Adam All right, fine. Find a new guy. And I don't know why everyone has to do that thing where they're like, look, I don't care if you want to see other people. I just want to know why you, why, I want to know why with everything all the time.

59:38 Drew Here's the thing, it's involving me. Therefore, what's your intent? Because we're in a relationship and you must be meaning something towards me to make me do something or feel something as opposed to, Yes.

59:52 Adam Here's the thing, everybody, not everything has to do with you. This guy was effing you. He got tired of doing that. He saw a hotter chick. He wants to eff her. Now, it's not about what he's trying to do to you.

1:00:05 Drew No, you don't exist anymore.

1:00:06 Adam It's about what his nutsack's trying to do to another chick. And as much as you want to know what about you, that's what he's thinking. He's thinking, I, I, Me. Would like to nail her. And you're thinking, well, what's that mean to me? Well, it means nothing. He's not doing anything to you. He's thinking of him the same way you're thinking of you.

1:00:29 Drew But he's thinking about the way a male thinks, which is on to the next object or whatever.

1:00:33 Adam And what is he thinking? You ask, he's not.

1:00:38 Drew No, he has just a picture of Claudia Schiffer.

1:00:40 Adam He's thinking of somebody else.

1:00:41 Drew That's it, yeah.

1:00:42 Adam Right, so it happens all the time.

1:00:45 Drew But the women will not accept how men operate. It's a relationship, therefore in the relationship, we must be having some sort of dance here.

1:00:52 Adam But you realize, I mean, in society, and we haven't talked about this in a while, but the person that has to look at everything is something intentional. I mean, whether it's this guy wants to just get laid with somebody else, what's he doing to me, what messages is he sending me, to the person that, you know the person, like you're driving your car and they step off the curb, and you stop short and they give you like, what the, whoa, it's like, well, look, listen, if I was trying to run you over, you'd be dead, number one. Number two, what do you mean, what, what, what, what, what? I'm driving a car, you stepped off the curb, right? We had a near miss, but you're fine. What, what are you implying?

1:01:34 Drew Right, what's the implication?

1:01:35 Adam Do I know you? I mean, you know, I mean, when you think about, think about the narcissism that people have where everything has to do with them. And then other people who are narcissistic feed into it. I sit there and overhear these conversations all the time. Oh, well, she did this because he, and I'm the one going, no, no, they don't care. They're not thinking. You know how you never think about other people?

1:01:58 Drew They're not thinking about you either.

1:01:59 Adam There's two of you.

1:02:00 Drew Yeah.

1:02:01 Adam You just ran into each other.

1:02:03 Drew And, but if you expect from the world bad things or abuse or exploitation or trauma, you find it everywhere.

1:02:09 Adam Oh yeah.

1:02:09 Drew It's always gonna, they're coming to get me all the time. It's intentional, volitional.

1:02:14 Adam My favorite, there's no better time in my life than when I tell one of these idiots to shut up. I'll tell you, one time I was on the lot, I've told this story in five years, but I was on the lot where we used to work and I did that thing where the stupid security guard told me to get out and turn around and whatever, and I just, I did one of those moves where I threw it into reverse and started looking over my shoulder as I started rolling and there was a guy who was literally standing behind my car even though it was running, immediately stopped. And he was like, oh my God, you almost hit me. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Do you realize you almost, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Well, did you, eventually I said, I didn't hit you, so shut up. And oh my God, now devastation. What is that thing, by the way, where you have to stretch every goddamn episode like taffy, you know, just milk it. Like, here's the deal. A car of a guy you never saw before started to back off. Then he saw you, then he stopped.

1:03:07 Drew Listen, I was, I was.

1:03:08 Adam The car that you stood, that you planted yourself behind, by the way, while it was running.

1:03:12 Drew I was stopped in a intersection once, and I saw this woman, she was turning right off of a one-way street, and she's looking left as she's turning right, and some girl, an Asian girl on a bicycle is coasting downhill.

1:03:23 Adam Don't all ride bikes, bro.

1:03:25 Drew She comes off the sidewalk right in front of this woman who's looking to the left to turn right, because of one way, and she pops her, she hits her, and bumps her, and she's like, oh my gosh, she's totally freaked out. Two people stopped and said, I saw her, she aimed for her, and she intentionally did that. Like, what's in it for her? This woman's got a bunch of kids in the back, it's like, really, it's a little target practice? Hates Asians, hates bicycles.

1:03:46 Caller What do people think?

1:03:48 Adam I tell you what they think. The one who says they did it, I saw it, and she did it intentionally, is that's just-

1:03:54 Drew It's a trauma survivor.

1:03:55 Adam And, well, here's what it's good for. The next time she makes one of her ridiculous accusations against society, hopefully someone will back her up, because that's the kind of world we're living in. Here's the kind of world we're living in. People don't care. They don't care. And yes, everyone, look for the motivation. You gotta be like a cop. Yes, yes, the woman in the SUV with the five kids, what's she doing? Carving, another notch in her rear view, she clipped another Asian on a bike.

1:04:22 Drew She had nothing but time to kill today.

1:04:24 Adam You know what I'm guessing? Here's what I'm guessing. Here's what I'm guessing. She did some time in NAMM and Hanoi Hilton. Torture.

1:04:31 Drew Yeah, she just saw, she went red. She flashed back and had to go after her.

1:04:35 Adam She had one of those Chuck Norris type 80s flashbacks.

1:04:37 Drew Floored it right into her.

1:04:39 Adam Floored it right into her.

1:04:40 Drew That's it.

1:04:40 Adam And here's the other thing, too, everyone. Yeah, like I said, you wanna kill somebody, you're in a 5,000 pound SUV, she's 103 pounds wet on a bike, you take her out, you can take her out.

1:04:50 Drew Yeah.

1:04:51 Adam All right. Everyone, stop thinking about yourselves, start focusing on me. Yes, Drew?

1:04:55 Drew Yes, sir.

1:04:55 Caller All right, you ready to ride?

1:04:57 Drew I'm ready.

1:04:57 Adam The ass full of everyone tonight. Margaret?

1:05:01 Hey.

1:05:02 Adam What's happening, baby doll, you're 25.

1:05:04 Caller Yes. I have been dating this guy for about a month or so.

1:05:08 Adam What does that have to do with me?

1:05:11 Drew Are you dating this guy for a month? All right.

1:05:14 Caller On and off, like not serious. And he's a great guy, he's successful, he's awesome, he's really nice, he's really smart, but there's something.

1:05:25 Drew It sounds like the kind of guy you should be with, you ought to be with. But not somebody you want to be with.

1:05:31 Caller No, I do, that's the problem. I really wanna be with him, but I feel like I'm not, I feel like he's, this sounds really awful and I can't believe I'm saying it, but he's not that good looking. And that's really, really shallow and it pisses me off.

1:05:53 Drew Okay, well, if you weren't good looking, he wouldn't be with you is the scary thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, unfair. But his brain works the same way, so.

1:06:03 Caller Well, he's not bad looking, he's a good looking guy. He doesn't have that like classic look.

1:06:11 Drew Not your type.

1:06:11 Adam All right, well, hold on, let's see.

1:06:13 Caller Maybe he's just not my type, I don't know.

1:06:16 Adam Let's see if we can get to the bottom of this. Oh, hold on a second.

1:06:19 Caller Half of my friends tell me that I need to get.

1:06:20 Adam All right, shut up.

1:06:22 Drew I wonder what half her friends tell her. Be able to give us more information.

1:06:26 Adam Half my friends tell me I should get over it. The other half say that this is a stumbling block because you're not attracted to them physically, then you're never gonna get it. Let's hear it. I'll tell, but don't let me. I'm gonna start going and calling in the show.

1:06:40 Calling in answer, an answer.

1:06:41 Adam As me being on the air, hour and 42 minutes a night is not enough. I wanna actually provide the calls too. I'm gonna talk to myself. Eventually I'm gonna work you out of it.

1:06:52 Drew It's a Phil Henry show.

1:06:53 Adam All right, Margaret, what do half your friends tell you?

1:06:57 Caller You hit it right on the nail, Adam.

1:07:00 Adam By the way, I'm now set for another 30 years. All right, I always know what half friends talk about.

1:07:07 Drew We need to know about you though, Margaret. We need to know what you're attracted to, whether or not we would be advising you to kind of get on into this relationship or to trust your instincts. So were you abused growing up? No. Your parents are together? Yes. No alcohols in your family? No sexual or physical abuse? Did you have, sort of, have you sown your oats, so to speak? Have you dated a lot of guys? Yeah, a lot. And do you know it a lot?

1:07:33 Adam You're hot. Margaret, you're a good looking chick?

1:07:36 Drew Yes. Yes, yes.

1:07:38 Adam Well, the thing about being a hot chick is you're acutely aware of it. Society has made you aware of it since the seventh grade, and you realize that there's up trading that could be done.

1:07:49 Drew The number match.

1:07:51 Adam Yeah, now I'd like to find out what this guy looks like. Unfortunately, I'm a dude, so I can't judge dudes. Like, I don't know. I'm not homo, man. Yeah, I can't judge. Like, I don't know if you're good looking. I don't know if Rob Lowe's good looking. I don't know the difference. Well, I can't judge the difference between, like, I can't touch the difference between Fabio and Fabio. No, I don't know the difference between, like, Michael Moore and, let's just say Brad Pitt. I can't tell, because I'm a dude. You know what I'm saying? And I can't judge.

1:08:30 Drew So, it's just Stephen Hawking and Fabio.

1:08:31 Adam Fabio, Stephen Hawking.

1:08:33 Drew Can't tell the difference. Physically, can't tell the difference.

1:08:35 Adam Can't intellectually, but I'm a dude, so I can't judge.

1:08:38 Drew If you remember, we've, you and I have explored this a little bit. The strange thing about women is that women have sort of, there's another capital that men can accumulate, which is above and beyond their actual physical appearance, which is their status. And that affects women's perceptions of guys. So, what does this guy do?

1:08:56 Caller He's a lieutenant in the Navy.

1:08:57 Drew Is he a little, is he kind of beneath what you normally date, too, that way? Very successful.

1:09:04 Adam Well, very successful in the Navy, that translates into 29 grand a year.

1:09:11 Caller The money thing doesn't bother me.

1:09:13 Caller She comes from money.

1:09:14 Adam Oh, you, your parents have money?

1:09:17 Caller My dad was in the Navy.

1:09:20 Adam What did he do?

1:09:21 Caller He was an admiral.

1:09:25 Adam Admiral.

1:09:26 Caller This guy knows my parents, too. I mean, he works, he's the, oh, God, I'm giving way too much information.

1:09:31 Drew So, in a way, though, Margie, would you feel guilty because this is, this is really who you're supposed to date. This is, this is a facsimile of dad who you idealize. And so it's extra, it's extra guilty, guilt provoking. But it sounds like you should trust your instincts a little bit. You really should. You've got to be really fully into somebody if you're gonna keep with the relationship.

1:09:49 Adam Ooh, wait a minute, I sort of disagree. Now, your dad was, what kind of boat did he skipper? Your dad.

1:09:56 Drew Probably a fleet.

1:09:57 Caller My dad?

1:09:58 Adam Yeah. Oh, he skippered a lot.

1:10:03 Caller He was the commander of the seventh fleet.

1:10:04 Adam Oh, wow. By the way, is there a sixth and an eighth? I don't hear about the seventh one. You don't hear about the sixth fleet, or the eighth one.

1:10:14 Caller There is a sixth fleet, that's in Hawaii.

1:10:16 Caller Yeah, seventh's out here.

1:10:18 Adam Seventh, oh, seventh gets all the press. Seventh is in Japan. And has he done like aircraft carriers? Has he done battleships? I know, but you gotta, they don't just give you the fleet, you gotta work your way up. You gotta skip her, you gotta skip her nice battleship.

1:10:39 Drew Oh, let's keep her on line and talk more.

1:10:40 Adam The aircraft carrier, Drew, you know what? It's like a floating city.

1:10:44 Drew Doucet.

1:10:45 Adam It's floating city. I love that every goddamn aircraft carrier express. It's literally, it's a floating city. All right, it's a floating city. It's got a barbershop, okay.

1:10:54 Drew General store.

1:10:55 Adam We get it.

1:10:56 Drew Laundry.

1:10:57 Adam There's 3,300 guys on the vessel, understand. You gotta do some laundry. Yeah. Fine. So Margaret, I say you've been with this guy for a month. Give it a little time. I say stop, you're all up in your head. Just relax a little bit. See where it goes.

1:11:13 Drew Women can sometimes develop.

1:11:15 Adam Women are much more flexible that way.

1:11:16 Drew You can develop a sexual attraction for somebody that you should be with. I would say though. What?

1:11:23 Caller We have been sexual and he's older than I am.

1:11:25 Drew Yeah, but you're not into it. You're not into it with him. You don't have a passion for him.

1:11:29 Caller I feel good, but I'm not intellectually, like in my head, into it. But physically I am.

1:11:34 Adam He's gotta give you a nice, you know, he's gotta go down on her right. Converna. I know what Drew's thinking. Drew's thinking I could win her over to the dark side. Drew, take care of you, but good. He only takes his glasses off for one thing. Yeah, I don't know, because I can't judge dudes. I can't judge dudes. All right, so Margaret, here's-

1:12:00 Drew But my thing is, if you got your compass put together right, meaning you had a decent childhood and you're not genetically flawed, you trust your instincts, and really you wanna have intellectual, spiritual, sexual, compassionate with somebody.

1:12:12 Adam But she's 25 and she's growing out of that, she may be growing out of that phase in life. Okay, but I'm just saying, stop beating it in your head that you're not attracted to it. Just give it a break, just give it another month, see how you feel.

1:12:28 Drew I think she needs that passion piece more, but maybe it'll get there. But I agree with Adam, give it a little time. But don't feel bad if it doesn't work out. There's certain chemical, there's such a thing as chemistry, I really believe that. And it's between unhealthy people sometimes, and it's gonna be between healthy people.

1:12:46 Adam Okay, too cathartic.

1:12:47 Caller I don't think that I'm beating it into my head that I'm not attracted to him, I think I'm just not attracted to him, and I'm trying to beat it into my head that I am attracted to him.

1:12:54 Adam All right, well then you're done.

1:12:55 Drew So Margaret was living in Coronado Island.

1:12:57 Adam Yeah, he's got a set sail. You gotta find a hot guy.

1:13:00 Drew You live in Coronado, right?

1:13:01 Adam Yeah, she does. I don't know, Drew, I'm tired. Let's take a quick break, we'll be right back after this.

1:13:08 Drew All right.

1:13:22 Caller Everybody, it's Love Line.

1:13:23 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Oh yeah.

1:13:26 Drew Once again, the show interrupts our conversation.

1:13:29 Adam Get it on, everybody. Drew and I talking each other's ears off during the break, and then the show pops up, and pow, cut off at the knees.

1:13:38 Drew You're gay. You're gay. No we're not, we can't tell.

1:13:41 Adam Drew's gonna make notes. We're gonna make notes of stuff we gotta finish.

1:13:45 Drew At the bathroom.

1:13:45 Adam And we're talking about real estate or something, and then the show rudely interrupted us, and now Drew has to make a little note. All right, you ready to keep going here, Drew? Should we just go to break? Finish our conversation? And we do like a 20 minute segment after this. Lola? Hi. Hello? You're 24?

1:14:07 Caller Yes.

1:14:07 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

1:14:09 Caller What up?

1:14:10 Drew What's going on?

1:14:12 Caller Okay, so I'm wondering, I heard recently that the morning after pill acts as an abortion.

1:14:21 Drew Where'd you hear that?

1:14:22 Caller Just around, I've been hearing that from time to time and I took it a couple years ago and I'm wondering if that's true or not.

1:14:29 Drew Go look it up, how it works. It works by, it works exactly the same way as the birth control you take every day. Precisely the same way. Slippery slope. It suppresses an egg from being released from your ovary.

1:14:43 Adam When people are playing God Drew.

1:14:44 Drew There is a theoretical possibility of a whole series of medications, potentially maybe interfering with implantation.

1:14:51 Adam Slippery slope.

1:14:52 Drew But this product.

1:14:54 Caller Can you tell me again what you just said that right now?

1:14:56 Drew What did you say there's a possibility about it? The predominant effect of that pill, morning after pill, like any other birth control pill, is it suppresses an egg from being released from your ovary, so there's never a sperm reaching an egg. All hormonal contraceptives and many COX-2 inhibitors like Vioxx and Celebrex and Bextra may have a theoretical possibility of interfering with implantation. In other words, if the sperm reaches the egg, it might interfere with that implantation process. Probably not.

1:15:29 Caller That is exactly what I heard.

1:15:34 Drew Probably not. But if we were to make the case that it does, let's say it does, you'd have to also eliminate all birth control pills and COX-2 inhibitors, because they all potentially interfere with implantation.

1:15:46 Adam Playing Slope.

1:15:47 Drew Okay, so it's not as though this product has a unique property that way. It's the same as any other hormonal contraception.

1:15:54 Adam Playing Slippery God Slope. Slope God Slippery.

1:15:57 Drew Oh, my God.

1:15:58 Adam It's just Slippery Slope. Let me tell you what. We gotta keep the Democrats in office today, because otherwise, back alley abortion. Coat hangers and back alley abortion.

1:16:08 Drew I heard Boxer say that. Back alley abortion.

1:16:10 Adam Back alley abortion. Did you hear her say?

1:16:12 Drew I heard her say.

1:16:12 Adam Back alley abortion. Gotta do it for the ladies. Because, well, when Clinton was in office for those eight years, you couldn't go through an alley without running over a fetus. I would just...

1:16:23 Drew Those Reagan years.

1:16:24 Adam Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah, Reagan, Reagan. During the Reagan years, you know, we had a Republican in there, back alley abortions. What I would actually, I would take an alley, because I live in an apartment in Santa Monica, I'd have to put my wipers on, because it'd be a zygote that would start building up on my windshield. I'd have to hit it with that blue spray. Yeah, Barbara Boxer's right, she's a genius. And you know what I respect about her? She doesn't try to use scare tactics to get votes either.

1:16:50 Drew And by the way, back alley abortions, now they're done chemically, so there could never ever even be that anymore.

1:16:54 Adam I ran through a puddle of kid, yeah, they used abortion juice on them. Yeah, but they're done chemically, but they administer it with a coat hanger. That's how they do it, Drew. A rusty metal coat hanger.

1:17:07 Drew Just for historical, quaint historicity.

1:17:11 Adam And you know who they do it to? People of color.

1:17:13 Drew Only.

1:17:14 Adam Only. Only people of color. Are you ready to go here, Drew?

1:17:17 Drew Let's go.

1:17:17 Adam It's a good slippery slope.

1:17:18 Drew Yeah, slippery slope.

1:17:19 Adam All right, slippery.

1:17:20 Drew Do you go to law school? Do you go to law school? Do you go to law school?

1:17:22 Caller I don't need, you know what?

1:17:25 Drew The only person I have here used the slippery slope analogy.

1:17:28 Adam Slippery slope. Yeah.

1:17:29 Drew We go to law school.

1:17:30 Caller Yeah.

1:17:31 Adam Got to have kvorking in the joint.

1:17:32 Drew They teach you about slippery slopes there.

1:17:33 Adam It's important kvorking, right? It rots in the joint.

1:17:35 Caller Slippery slope.

1:17:36 Adam Slippery slope. John?

1:17:38 Caller Yeah.

1:17:39 Adam Twenty-nine?

1:17:40 Caller Hey, guys.

1:17:41 Adam What's up?

1:17:42 Caller I have, well, I'm reading Drew's book and I can't put it down. It's great.

1:17:47 Drew Thanks, John. Crack, crack, please. By the way, I read some...

1:17:51 Adam Everybody, go get cracked.

1:17:52 Drew But I read some reviews of it on Amazon. No, I did. And they were delightful and it raised my spirits to thank you, those of you that are kind things.

1:18:00 Caller Well, yeah, you've mentioned freedom and I think people respond directly to that.

1:18:05 Drew I know. They write pretty bad things, too.

1:18:07 Caller Yeah, but they're just trying to get to you.

1:18:08 Drew Well, they do.

1:18:10 Adam Why do you... Hold on. Why do you do it?

1:18:12 Drew Why do I read them? Or why do I let it get to me?

1:18:15 Adam Why do you... It's going to get to you if you read it. Don't read it.

1:18:18 Drew Well, I'm looking for the good ones.

1:18:20 Adam You shouldn't do that either.

1:18:21 Drew You're probably right.

1:18:22 Adam You should just go home, watch some TV, and wait to die.

1:18:25 Drew I'm gay. Yeah.

1:18:27 Adam Yeah. You know, I'm at the point, I'm at the point if someone hands me a magazine and someone says that there's something about you in it, I won't even open it.

1:18:35 Drew I do, I do that.

1:18:37 Adam About me? About you? Yeah, you should be reading about me. Yeah, you don't do it. Don't ever read about yourself. They figure it's all bad. All right? All right.

1:18:46 Drew Let's, Tom Schales writes it, then I'm going to read it.

1:18:48 Caller Oh, wait a minute.

1:18:49 Adam Was Tom Schales that big fat homo or is he the big fat homo? Hmm, which one is he? Yeah, the little guy called me Wolfman.

1:18:59 Drew Yes. Ananthal and Wolfman.

1:19:01 Caller Ananthal and Wolfman.

1:19:03 Adam Said, it was a great review. I got to bring that thing in one day.

1:19:07 Drew Let's be clear here. The reason you feel at liberty to call this guy names and you are being very disparaging.

1:19:12 Adam Let's say whatever I want about him.

1:19:13 Caller He says whatever's about me.

1:19:15 Drew Right. He was being horrible to you.

1:19:16 Caller Yeah.

1:19:16 Adam What do I care?

1:19:17 Caller I don't care.

1:19:20 Adam I don't care because he don't care.

1:19:23 Drew And maybe you shouldn't take out groups with him.

1:19:26 Caller No.

1:19:26 Drew You know what I mean? No, it's too late.

1:19:28 Caller No.

1:19:29 Adam Here's the other thing I was thinking about the... No, I didn't want to get going. Entertainment Weekly. But here's what I'm shocked about. I should speak to the good folks over at Entertainment Weekly. When I heard about the new man show being canceled, shocking. Is it not true?

1:19:48 Drew Well, they loved it.

1:19:49 Adam They loved it.

1:19:49 Drew A great improvement.

1:19:50 Adam So much better than the old one. God bless them. I don't know what happened. And by the way, usually the reviewers are so dead nuts on. I mean, you love the new man show better than the old man show, and it's canceled after only a year.

1:20:04 Drew I got a great judgment.

1:20:05 Adam Shocking. Shocking. They just pulled me over the feather, Drew.

1:20:09 Drew So anyway, John, thanks for reading the book. What's the question?

1:20:11 Caller I have my first kidney stone. I'm 29. It's on my left side. It's small, and the doctor's recommending that I pass it. She gave me Vicodin.

1:20:21 Drew Are you in recovery?

1:20:23 Caller No.

1:20:24 Drew Have you been an addict?

1:20:25 Caller No.

1:20:26 Adam Well, don't be a puss. Eat up.

1:20:27 Well, hold on a second.

1:20:28 Caller This is sort of a rite of passage. It's my first major painkiller, and I was reading your book. I mean, the one thing is the holidays are coming up, and I'm not sure if I should try to pass this stupid thing, because it's supposed to be worse than giving birth.

1:20:38 Drew Well, now, you have no choice. It's either going to pass or it isn't.

1:20:42 Caller Well, but I hear you can drink a lot of water and cranberry juice and watermelon.

1:20:46 Drew Maybe. Maybe. But it's going to move when it moves, for the most part. And when it moves...

1:20:53 Caller I can't hurry it along.

1:20:54 Drew Well, probably not. And when it moves, it's horrible. And people need pain medication. They need to suffer for that. Unless you've been an opiate addict in the past, then you might want to reconsider what that would mean to you.

1:21:05 Caller No, yeah, I have not.

1:21:07 Drew Have you ever been an alcoholic?

1:21:08 Caller No.

1:21:08 Drew Do you have a history of alcoholism?

1:21:11 Caller No, I don't think so.

1:21:12 Drew No, you should be fine.

1:21:13 Adam Do you have a family history of lightweightism?

1:21:16 Drew Here's the great irony.

1:21:17 Adam Lightweight?

1:21:17 Drew Here's the great irony, John. Because you have no biological heritage, probably the Vicodin won't even work for you. It'll make you feel uncomfortable.

1:21:24 Adam Like Drew. Yeah. It's all weird.

1:21:26 Caller Yeah.

1:21:27 Drew I hate Vicodin.

1:21:28 Caller I don't like alcohol really at all either.

1:21:31 Caller I don't like to feel altered.

1:21:33 Adam I feel out of control.

1:21:35 But John, don't take it.

1:21:36 Drew He's one of my fans. Relax.

1:21:38 Adam I don't trust people that don't like feeling altered.

1:21:41 Drew You can take... I don't like feeling altered. Hang on a second. You can take the Vicodin when the pain gets bad, but don't take it in anticipation. No, I really, really don't like that.

1:21:50 Adam I know. You know why?

1:21:51 Caller You're scared, man.

1:21:52 Adam You're scared to let go, man. You're scared to be free. You know, because you try to control everything, man. It's like you try to control the world and the government, man. It's like you can try to control the Asian man across the seas. You know what I'm saying, man? But you've got to be free. You've got to let yourself go. You ever feel tired in the morning? Toxin's building up in you, man. Let me tell you something, man. We live in a toxic environment.

1:22:11 Caller You can shunt them in colon. You know what I'm saying?

1:22:12 Adam You shunt your colon. You're lucky I don't know anything about medicine, but I do know something about toxins, I know something about chi. You understand? That's a great south part. Let me tell you who has it right. Let me bring you some of the wisdom of the Orient. You know over there? You know over there? You know they respect their elders. You know what I'm saying, man? They live, they let their parents live at home. You know what? They live in harmony with the land. You know what I'm saying? You got a cigarette?

1:22:35 Caller All right.

1:22:37 Adam Let's take a break. He's cool.

1:22:39 Drew Yes. You cool?

1:22:41 Adam Take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Love Line, Adam. Dr. Drew over there. Get it on. Tell you what. Get it on. Gotta get on. I'll tell you what. I wish I could judge dudes, but I can't.

1:23:07 Drew You're not gay.

1:23:07 Adam I'm not gay.

1:23:08 Drew Well, although you'd like to be.

1:23:09 Adam I'd like to be gay, but I can't judge. I'd like to be gay, but I'm not gay.

1:23:13 Drew Maybe you ought to just go on and go. Adam, maybe.

1:23:15 Adam If I start judging dudes, maybe I'd go gay.

1:23:17 Drew You'd better get your way in, yeah.

1:23:18 Adam All right.

1:23:18 Drew You've been looking for that for a long time.

1:23:20 Adam I don't judge dudes.

1:23:21 Drew Yeah, but this may be the way to get into it.

1:23:22 Adam I don't judge your looks. Justin? Yes? I like when the super straight, sort of homophobic guys have to admit another guy's good-looking. You know how they do it? They use kid. He's a good-looking kid. Good-looking. He's a good-looking kid, too. I'm not gay, but I'm just saying, you know. I'm just saying. You know, he's a good-looking kid, you know, like to make him a little suck-job, but, you know, make him not gay, not gay, not gay, like him to finish on me, but not makes a good-looking kid. Here we go. Justin.

1:23:55 Caller Yes.

1:23:56 Adam I want to talk to Justin. What do you do?

1:23:58 Caller Hang up? Try again.

1:24:00 Adam Justin. Justin. Yeah, good-looking kid. What's going on, not gay?

1:24:04 Caller I had a question. I have a problem with sweating a lot.

1:24:09 Drew Adam has some experience with this. Yeah.

1:24:11 Adam Where do you sweat a lot?

1:24:12 Caller Mostly from my underarms.

1:24:14 Adam Good luck. Chicks dig it when you pit out. I love that. All right. Here's the thing. By the way, these deodorants, I like these commercials where, as your body temperature goes up, so does degree deodorant. Whatever. You sprayed some crap on you two days ago. What do you think? Uh-oh, now you're in an important business meeting. The tension level goes up. It ratchets up with you. None of this crap works. Here's the thing. No, it works for people that don't have a problem.

1:24:46 Drew Right. It works for the nominal sweater.

1:24:47 Adam If you have a problem, it's like...

1:24:48 Drew By the way, that person from it works for even... You put them in a marathon in Hawaii.

1:24:54 Adam You put them in a very tense situation or whatever. Obviously, it doesn't. Here's the thing, too. It's like, look, if you get migraines, Advil's not going to do it for you. You need something. And basically, you got a headache under your armpits here. So if you got a problem, there's all kinds of surgeries now. Armpit is a layup.

1:25:18 Drew Yeah, armpit, they do it all the time.

1:25:19 Adam They do it all the time.

1:25:20 Drew They take on the sweat glands. They give blockades.

1:25:22 Adam Yeah, they just do the blockades.

1:25:23 Drew There's various things they can do. But yes, there are guys that specialize just in this.

1:25:26 Adam Yeah, go check it out.

1:25:27 Caller Who would talk to you about that, though?

1:25:29 Adam Go on the Internet.

1:25:30 Drew Yeah, go on the Internet. Look about, I guess what to call it.

1:25:34 Adam Hydrosis. Hyperhydrosis.

1:25:36 Drew Yes, hyperhydrosis.

1:25:37 Adam And just go look it up. The thing about the armpit thing is it's the most common one, that and the palms.

1:25:44 Drew Yes.

1:25:44 Adam Let me say this about the palm thing, too. I don't have sweaty palms. I never did, except for when I was getting the surgery for the sweaty forehead.

1:25:53 Drew Then you got it?

1:25:54 Adam And the guy was trying to convince me I had sweaty palms. And I was explaining to him that I was literally strapped down to a gurney like, you know, Jesus was to the cross, and there's about eight people leaning over me, and I had like a tube up my ass. And the guy kept going, your hand is sweaty. And I was like, I feel I may die on the table. You understand? I'm not napping on my sofa, you jack-off. I'm in an intense situation here.

1:26:22 Drew As it was, your hands got drier because of the procedure.

1:26:26 Adam But I never, I don't have sweaty hands, I never did.

1:26:28 Drew I know, the point is that he quotes the head with the hands and indeed the procedure he did.

1:26:32 Adam No, he was feeling, he was feeling. He kept feeling.

1:26:35 Drew He knew the procedure was about to do it.

1:26:36 Adam This was another guy. This wasn't the doctor, but yes, yes, I got a procedure so my head would stop sweating so much. And the guy, while I was about ready, for the eighth time, someone was explaining to me how much pain I was gonna be in when I woke up and how this wasn't a minor surgery and blah, blah, blah. And meanwhile, the guys, there's machines going off and people leaning over me and stuff. And the guy keeps feeling, it's a little moist. It's a little, I'm a little tense right now. No, that's a lot. I just, I gotta yell at people. Would you trust me?

1:27:02 Drew It's basically being shot in the chest too, this whole. That's basically it. And they have it, the girl next to you is freaking out.

1:27:07 Adam That was lovely. Nothing worse than when you're coming out of, no, no, there is something worse than when you're coming out of surgery and you got some chick going nuts.

1:27:14 Caller Next, you're, whoa!

1:27:17 Adam She was actually saying what I was feeling. I'll tell you what is worse.

1:27:20 Follow me.

1:27:23 Adam I'll tell you what's worse is the saltines and the little pack of Capri Sacco juice they give you. Anyone, anyone? Hey, by the way, procedure 10 grand. Anyone got some OJ?

1:27:37 Caller Yeah.

1:27:38 Adam Anyone got a Nilla wafer or a Trisket?

1:27:40 Drew By the way, there's an opportunity there. Business.

1:27:43 Adam I gotta eat the saltines like an animal.

1:27:45 Drew Post surgical gourmet.

1:27:47 Adam Yeah. Here's the thing. When I go to a restaurant and order a salad and they give you the saltines, I don't eat them. Right. There's nobody over 11 that eats saltines. Right. How about you go ahead and spring for a box of Triskets? That's all I'm saying. I've screened about this before though, Drew. Who decided saltine was the world's greatest hospital cracker? And by the way, there's nothing worse for you than a saltine.

1:28:08 Drew I think it's easiest to digest. And so if you're gonna be vomiting-

1:28:11 Adam I can't handle a Trisket! What's a Trisket? What am I eating, a leg of lamb?

1:28:16 Drew Saltine is just pure starch. Trisket's got like a little wheat in it or something. No, that's pure-

1:28:20 Adam Oh, well, first off, they didn't get the rib spreader out. Secondly, I'm not a puss. Thirdly, I'm allowed to eat, aren't I? And there's nothing going on with me. How about an OJ and a Trisket? Get a little sack of juice. It's really, it's like a nap time at the preschool.

1:28:39 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:28:40 Adam Give us something decent. Seriously, would you ever eat? What circumstances would you eat a saltine under?

1:28:46 Drew No, none.

1:28:48 Adam And it's the worst food ever made. It is, here's what a saltine is. Salt, hence the name. So it's sodium, bleach flour, tons of shortening, and a little sugar. It's the four things everyone tells you not to eat, all in the one convenient package. It's served at the hospital.

1:29:07 Drew The number one product.

1:29:09 Adam Come on, I'm a little sampler platter from the hickory farms or something. That's all I'm saying. I'd bring some goddamn food out, would you?

1:29:17 Drew Add some fat to the display.

1:29:19 Adam Here's my two things that I want at the hospital. I want to keep my underpants for non-sac related projects.

1:29:26 Drew Or ass related.

1:29:27 Adam Ass and sac related. I like to keep my goddamn underpants. I like to eat something other than a saltine. And I would like some real juice. I want something that says grape drink on it, comes a little sac.

1:29:36 Drew And when you're in charge, first order of business. Noted.

1:29:39 Adam With a straw.

1:29:40 Drew Sarah, 18.

1:29:42 Adam Sarah? Hello?

1:29:44 Caller Hello?

1:29:47 Adam Hey. So anyway, everyone get these procedures. They stop me from sweating. Cause that deodorant ain't gonna do crap. Or the antiperspirants aren't gonna do crap.

1:29:55 Drew So Sarah, what is up with you?

1:29:58 Caller Well, actually, my, there was this guy, or I've been seeing this guy for the last few months.

1:30:05 Caller And unfortunately, he lives in Nebraska.

1:30:08 Caller But he came down here, cause I live in Vista. He came down here, and that's how we met, with these things of family.

1:30:16 Caller And we dated for a little bit, and then he went back up there.

1:30:20 Caller And ever since-

1:30:22 Drew How often do you see each other now?

1:30:23 Caller We actually haven't seen each other in about a month.

1:30:28 Drew I don't think this is gonna work, Sarah.

1:30:29 Adam You're 18.

1:30:30 Drew He had 18 long distance relationships.

1:30:32 Adam He's, you're in Los Angeles.

1:30:34 Drew Yeah, they just aren't supposed to. Unless he's gonna move out here, you're gonna live near him. You go to college?

1:30:41 Caller Yeah, he's actually in college now.

1:30:46 Adam Where's he from? Is he from LA?

1:30:48 Caller No, he's from Nebraska.

1:30:52 Adam Now, do me one favor, however the relationship goes. When he comes to town eventually, please inform him that it's okay to turn right at a red. Because this is my theory, that everyone comes from Nebraska and New York and all parts where it's illegal. And then they come to our fair city where it is legal. And then I get caught behind them. And I'm literally honking at them. And they're looking at me like, what do you want me to do?

1:31:13 Caller Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about that.

1:31:15 Drew All right, so Sarah, listen.

1:31:16 Adam It drives like an a-hole, good.

1:31:18 Drew Are you going to college? Are you going to college?

1:31:21 Caller Yes, well, not right now, because I'm still in high school.

1:31:25 Drew But you're going to go to college?

1:31:27 Caller Yes, I'm going to go to college.

1:31:28 Drew I don't...

1:31:29 Adam Where, where?

1:31:33 Caller Right now, I'm...

1:31:35 Adam Right now.

1:31:35 Drew Be careful with starting everything with right now.

1:31:37 Adam Junior college, junior college. Junior.

1:31:41 Caller Junior, and I use CSD, but...

1:31:47 Caller I won't get a reply till January, so...

1:31:51 Drew You only applied to one place?

1:31:53 Adam Well, right now.

1:31:54 Drew Why did you only apply to one place?

1:31:57 Caller I don't know.

1:31:58 Adam All right, we'll see you... Say hi to Angie or Chris when you show up on the campus.

1:32:04 Drew Have you taken your SATs? How'd you do? Well, right now. All right, listen, apply to a couple UC schools and get some other...

1:32:17 Adam When'd you get on your SATs? I'm tired.

1:32:23 Drew That's what you're gonna tell us.

1:32:26 Adam Don't remember usually means 15, 14, high 14s, low 15s.

1:32:32 Drew It means maybe not four digits. Four digits.

1:32:35 Adam All right, buddy. Come on. Don't judge. Stop judging.

1:32:38 Drew But, Sarah, you gotta go to college. This is gonna restrict you from experiencing yourself. He's gonna be doing God knows what. Not gonna go to college. That's right.

1:32:44 Adam You're a hot chick.

1:32:45 Drew Just hang it up.

1:32:46 Adam You're living in Los Angeles.

1:32:46 Drew Please don't try to make this work.

1:32:47 Adam You're a sporty chick. You don't need Mr. Cornhusker over there.

1:32:52 Drew Ooh, thank you for limiting it to corn husking.

1:32:55 Adam All right.

1:32:55 Drew All right, sir.

1:32:57 Adam The corn holders. I wonder if anyone has ever screwed up with that. Right, right. Thanks. Thank you, Herb. The band was fantastic. It's great to be here. And the alumni, the fantastic corn hauler, Corn Husker, Husker. And the annals of Corn Husker of Nebraska, a corn hauler must come out about every 25th time. The old guy up there with the glasses. Thank you, coach. It's great to be here with the corn hauler. Husker, Husker. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hit it on. Well, that's it. Done with the show, Drew, what do you think?

1:34:07 Drew We're done.

1:34:07 Adam All right, we'll be back.

1:34:09 Drew I'm gonna get out of here before that fart actually starts to stink up right around here.

1:34:12 Adam Let the little gas go. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:17 Caller Hello.

1:34:25 Caller This has been Lovelind. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004