Episode 1000661736875

1:02 Adam Hey, everybody.

1:03 It's Love Line.

1:04 Adam I'm Adam Nance. Dr. Drew. Welcome to a little best of for a Thanksgiving evening.

1:10 Drew Yes, Drew, and a happy Thanksgiving to all. Want to offer a little bit of cranberry cheer? Just a one-minute cranberry.

1:17 Adam It's, here's the problem, Drew. By the time they hear this.

1:21 Drew Oh yeah, it's after the dinner.

1:22 Adam Do the cranberry man thing, ball.

1:23 Drew You're right, I beg your pardon.

1:24 Adam They've already eaten. As a matter of fact, they're probably so pumped up with tryptophan that they all hit the hay long before the show hit the air. No, but I'll tell you what happens. You go to bed early, seven, eight o'clock at night, you pass out from the tube, you wake up a little later, get another slab of pumpkin pie, and here we are. So please enjoy with your pumpkin pie a little something we call the best of Loveline. Hey, everybody. Loveline. I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. Are you ready to rock here, Drew? Let's talk to Jessica, who's 20. Jessica?

2:12 Yeah.

2:13 Adam What's happening?

2:15 How are you?

2:16 Adam Doing good. Moving forward. I don't know why. I decided I was in and out of love with Jessica in the first eight seconds I spoke to her. She's got one of these chunky semen questions, which always makes me think of chunky semen and then I get repulsed. Yeah.

2:37 Drew One needn't think of that too many times.

2:39 Adam No. She wants to know if it means a guy is dehydrated. No.

2:42 Drew It just means he's not been cleaning the pipes recently.

2:44 Adam That's right. That's right. Mine comes out. It's buttermilk, consistency of buttermilk. Like it's been put in and like it's been put through cheesecloth.

2:55 Drew That's when you...

2:56 Adam Nugget in it.

2:57 Drew That's at its sort of peak when you've been asked to sort of refrain for a day or so. The rest of the time it's just powdered milk, right?

3:03 Adam Powder.

3:04 Drew Yeah.

3:04 Adam Comes out in powder. Yeah. It's a big poof. I beat off through a sack of flour into a fan.

3:10 Drew Right, right.

3:11 Adam Of course. All right. Ready to, uh, to, uh, Lisa?

3:21 You're, uh, uh-oh.

3:24 Drew What's up?

3:25 Adam Torrance, huh? 17. What's up? What's going on?

3:34 Caller Oh, um, well, my boyfriend and I have been going out for about five months now, and things are good, but, like, um, when we're together, oftentimes we just kind of fool around and this and that, but we never really get down to going all the way.

3:59 Drew Have you done that before? What was the answer? Have you done that before?

4:06 Caller No.

4:07 Drew You've never had sex before?

4:08 Caller No.

4:09 Adam Hold on a second. We got this horrible phone system, which is, you're really, if you're doing a national radio show, you couldn't do worse than this, which is everybody around the country can hear Lisa's answer about whether they've done it before, but us. And so we seem like retards when, and it seems to know when to cut out. It's like...

4:32 Drew It's that Line 5 especially.

4:34 Adam Drew thinks that. He's like one of those pigeons, though.

4:37 Drew Superstitious pigeons, yeah.

4:38 Adam That's you, because we have it on all lines. I've been keeping an eye out for it, but it's like...

4:44 Drew We do have it on all lines, but the one and five are the worst.

4:46 Adam Yeah. So, but for those of you listening at home to don't hear the part where it cuts out, it's only the part where they answer.

4:52 Drew It's the part where we follow with a long pause and then going, asking the same question again.

4:58 Adam That's right. But it really, it sounds like this. It's like, are you... Is this... Have you done it with him before? Then we get just a beat of dead air and then, because the person said no or yes, and then we sit there like retards and re-ask the question. That's how it works.

5:17 Drew Well, it's, there's even a worse, I don't know if it's worse or not, but we can tell when it's clicking off. We can hear it go, it goes from white noise to total silence.

5:25 Adam That's right.

5:26 Drew So we know we're not going to hear it. We know we have to re-answer the question.

5:28 Adam Now I have no idea what she said even, even though she reiterated it.

5:32 Drew I was, no. She's a virgin.

5:34 Adam She's a virgin.

5:35 Drew And how long have you been with this guy? How long have you been with this guy? And he's a virgin as well? How old is he? Maybe he's not planning on having sex with her just yet.

5:51 Adam Five months, huh? And you'd like to lose your virginity to him?

6:00 Drew It's interesting, Alisa's voice changed at least three different times. You notice that?

6:04 Adam That baby girl thing going at the beginning.

6:06 Drew And then it went to Ursula from Little Mermaid, if I may put it the other way.

6:12 Adam Ursula from Little Mermaid.

6:14 Drew I was at Disneyland all day.

6:16 Adam Well, please, leave the references at home. Okay, so how about telling him you would like to have sex with him? Too weird?

6:28 Drew How about a discussion, how about a philosophical discussion about when did you think you'd lose your virginity? Are you waiting till marriage?

6:35 Adam Yeah, interesting. Yeah, I mean, one of those, you know, at the mall, you don't have to be intimate with him.

6:42 Drew Right. But just a penny for your thoughts, what your values are. Mine are, I'd love to have sex any day now.

6:50 Adam Yeah, start it with Dear Gay-O.

6:56 Drew No, when she sort of lets that one fly, watch this guy.

6:59 Adam You're thinking of a 17 year old passionate, passionate, passionate doctor. Well, actually, not doctor at the time.

7:07 Drew No, strangely not at 17.

7:09 Adam No, no doogie, Drew. Just plain old Drew as a man of exquisite passion.

7:16 Drew Well, let's be fair, retarded, lame. You want to put those acronyms in there.

7:21 Adam But passionate. You were a nerd, but you had the penis of a porn star and the mind of a rodent. Yes. So Lisa, where was I? Is he religious?

7:44 Drew But he hasn't talked about that as sort of what his guiding principles are.

7:48 Caller Um, no, he goes to church on Sundays, but he does.

7:53 Adam I'm picturing a guy with the weird, horrible bang haircut. He's got those bad teenage boy bang things. Okay. He's grown out of that.

8:06 Caller All right.

8:07 Adam All right. Well, he's, he's Christian. And so this may not bode with his sensibilities. We'll see. So what's the answer to it? Do you have to rub the mic along your chest?

8:18 Drew The answer is to discuss just a general philosophical terms, what he's planning to do.

8:23 Adam Well, it's in a way, it's sort of like before you marry someone, talking about family.

8:29 Drew Right. It's like, absolutely. How many kids you want to have or, you know, what kind of priority to have, that sort of stuff.

8:35 Adam This is the precursor to that in the family talk is the hump talk. What about it? And then, well, it's like, is a BJ out of the question? I have ended many, many, one of these philosophical conversations with, how about a BJ?

8:53 Drew And not just philosophical conversations, to be fair. Right. Most of your conversations end like that.

8:57 Adam Conversation with my parents about borrowing money that ended with, how about a BJ?

9:01 Drew That's what I'm talking about.

9:02 Adam Sure. Sure. I've been pulled over and finished conversations with police officers. Police, of course.

9:08 Drew And the Customs the other day, you remember that?

9:09 Adam Customs, airport security, many, many. Even once I got on...

9:14 Drew The cabbie that was your wife was vomiting next to it? At least.

9:17 Adam When I got on the plane, would you like some champagne or orange juice? I finished that. Even those and, or, yes and no ones.

9:25 How about a BJ? How about a BJ?

9:27 Adam Jennifer?

9:29 Drew Yeah, hi. Daddy, you started complaining about the nuts.

9:32 Adam You're 22?

9:35 Caller First of all, thanks a lot for taking my call. I really appreciate it.

9:38 Adam Our pleasure, baby doll. What can we do for you tonight?

9:42 Caller Basically, I've been bulimic for about two years and I've tried to stop like myself several, several times and because of it, I basically ruined a lot of my friendships in college and now that I'm graduated and I'm going to grad school, I'm just really scared about what it's going to do for me in grad school and I...

10:05 Drew All right, now hold on here.

10:06 Adam Hold on, hold on.

10:07 Drew Well, you live in Pasadena.

10:09 Caller Great.

10:10 Adam To UCLA?

10:11 Caller Yeah.

10:12 Drew So, there's only three grad schools.

10:14 Adam Are you Asian?

10:15 Caller Yeah.

10:16 Adam It's all coming together.

10:18 Drew So, there's three potential grad schools from Pasadena. There's Caltech.

10:21 Caller No, I'm going there.

10:25 Adam No, we're not going to. Drew's going to because he loves college.

10:29 Drew There's Fuller Theological Seminary School of Psychology, and then there's SC Medical Schools right down the road there, or School of Pharmacy, too.

10:37 Adam Ooh, Asian Pharmacy. We may have a match. Jennifer?

10:42 Caller Sorry, I live in Pasadena, but I'm going to veterinary school. Yeah.

10:50 Drew You mean you're away for the summer or something?

10:52 Caller Well, I graduated like in December. I ended early, and then so I have a break from December until August when I start school.

11:00 Drew I see, got it.

11:02 Adam Well, good times.

11:03 Drew You started with your, believe me, brother.

11:05 Adam Let me, by the way, I just got to tell you how my, you know, I have my, everything, every thought I think is racist. Yes, it is. And not in a bad way, just always trying to figure out, all we do is talk to people and try to figure out what color they are, what religion they are, where they're from, where their family's from. It's all racist. Well, like I said, not in a bad way. So I heard, I heard bulimia. I was, I heard the voice, I was on the sort of white and little girl. I heard the bulimia. I stuck with the white one. Then I heard graduated college, 22, and now I shifted to Asian. And then I thought, Asian bulimic, we don't get many, we don't get the Asian bulimic thing. I'm sure it's a problem. We just don't, we don't happen to hear from, but I did shift to Asian. Once I shifted to Asian, I went UCLA. And that's how I arrived at my answer. So that's what I got. I got, I knew she went to UCLA. So I didn't get the veterinarian part though.

12:08 Drew No, that's, that's a long shot.

12:11 Adam Sorry.

12:12 Drew Jennifer. Do you have a big trauma history?

12:17 Caller No, I don't think so. No.

12:19 Drew Are you addicted to anything?

12:21 Caller No, I'm not.

12:22 Drew Do you have a cut or anything like that?

12:23 Caller I started to, but it never developed into anything like that.

12:29 Adam Drew, why is this not a bigger problem in the female Asian community?

12:34 Drew I see a fair amount of it.

12:35 Adam Oh, you do?

12:36 Drew It's very shameful. It's shameful.

12:38 Adam So it is a big problem. It's not talked about.

12:40 Drew I know it's a big problem, but I've seen a fair amount of it.

12:44 Adam But with this, the genesis of this problem is needing to be perfect, right?

12:51 Drew That's one of them.

12:52 Adam That's the nucleus of it. That's the beginning of it.

12:55 Drew With either big time trauma or big time intrusion, it needs to be perfect.

12:59 Adam It needs to be perfect. And there's a fair amount of that in the Asian community. Not a bad thing, but that's going to turn into an eating disorder.

13:07 Drew It could.

13:08 Adam All right. The other thing, too, though, not hefty people, so it's not quite as necessary. Although it doesn't always have to do with weight. All right. Just sorting it out. You see, you know it would be a bad combination, needing to be perfect, intrusive parents in the Samoan community. There'd be a lot of eating disorder there. That's a big group. Thankfully, a little more laid back attitude.

13:35 Drew Well, maybe if they got some of those Cindy Crawford tapes or something and-

13:39 Adam Oh, they'd work that weight right out. They could shrink those calves.

13:43 Drew Just like Cindy Crawford's legs.

13:45 Adam Watch the tape.

13:45 Drew Yeah.

13:46 Adam She's working out on the beach. And do that. You get one of those mats. That'll do it. You got to stretch. And let me tell you something. You got to breathe. You got to breathe. You take a breath. You know how you breathe, by the way, Drew?

13:59 Drew That helmet? On a chair.

14:01 Adam You breathe in. You breathe in. You take a breath in. Do it with me. Do it with me. Now we exhale. That's it. Let out. Let the air out. Let all the air out.

14:11 Drew I feel so much better.

14:12 Yeah, I do. One more time.

14:13 Adam In. In. In here, Chris. I got to run you. I got to run you. Breathe. I should pass out on the board. In. One in. One breathe in. Big, big one in. Big. Now, now, now let it out. And when you exhale, I want you to let all the oxygen that used to be in your lungs out here now. One more time in.

14:34 Drew No.

14:34 Adam Okay.

14:34 All right.

14:35 Adam Really got it. That's part of the workout, Dave?

14:38 Drew Breathing?

14:39 Adam All right.

14:39 Drew All right.

14:41 Adam Jennifer, sorry. Drew got me going.

14:43 Drew So, Jennifer, you're in the more perfectionistic, intrusive realm, right? Yeah.

14:51 Adam Parents are important. Yeah. They put pressure on you to go to college and all that kind of stuff. That's all right.

14:59 Drew You're vomiting?

15:00 Adam Yeah.

15:01 Drew Okay, and you understand the risk of this? This is a potentially deadly process. All right. This has to be treated. It's a chronic condition like any other compulsive or addictive process. Yeah. No.

15:16 Adam Because you're worried about the shame and your parents and everyone finding out.

15:20 Drew Absolutely impossible to self-treat because the fact is the reason people get this is a deficiency of interpersonal, intrasubjective experiences. You must build a relationship with another person to build the internal mechanisms that can build to the point where you don't need these sorts of impulsive behaviors to control yourself.

15:39 Adam How often? Sorry, Drew, but boring. How often are you vomiting? Oh, every day.

15:48 Drew I actually have something for you in Pasadena. You hold on.

15:51 Adam Pasadena.

15:52 Drew I will get you a name. But you have to take care of this. This is actually very, very serious. Wait, the reason you don't want to deal with it is not so much you don't want people to find out. You don't want to have to admit to yourself that this is a really serious problem. And by actually going to get help, you have to contend with the fact that it is really something that needs help.

16:11 Caller Does it take a long time to get over?

16:13 Drew It's a chronic condition. But I don't want you hanging up. Stay on hold. I'm going to talk to you off the air, okay?

16:20 Adam I'm going to take a leak. Jennifer, deep breath in. Deep in. In, in, deep breath in.

16:28 Drew Make those noises while she's breathing in.

16:29 Adam In and exhale, releasing all of the air that used to be in. I like the relaxation therapist, it overstates the obvious. Okay, I'm going to need to take a big break. Bring all the air that's around your head, bringing it in, in your lungs, filling your lungs with the oxygen, having your lungs use that process of taking the oxygen out of air and then slowly exhale all the carbon dioxide, which used to have oxygen in, has now been absorbed by the lungs, out of your lung area, up, up past the throat, the wind tunnel, and then out past your teeth and out your mouth to where your head still is. Okay. And one more time. The relaxation therapist that puts to fine a point on what to do. Again, breathe in and out. Jared?

17:35 Yeah?

17:36 Adam You're 17? What's happening?

17:39 Caller You know how much I love you guys. It's like my favorite show ever.

17:42 Adam Thanks, Jared.

17:45 Caller You're a genius, I swear. I can't believe I'm talking to you right now.

17:49 Adam It's, you know, and let me tell you something. Let me tell you something about the beauty of my genius. I recognize it in my own time. Where's other, you know, they talk about other geniuses. He died penniless. He never, all the accolades, the applause, the awards, the praise, he never heard it. He never enjoyed it. He was, he was a deeply troubled man. I enjoy my genius in your own mind, in your own time, in my own time, in my own mind. I enjoy it. I recognize it and I embrace it. Thank you, Jared. Oh, thank you.

18:25 Drew I have more trouble thinking about you.

18:27 Adam Now miserable. Jared, before you ask your question, deep breath in and exhaling, asking your question as you're exhaling. Deep breath in and question with the exhale.

18:43 Drew Breathe out first. Okay.

18:48 Caller I have a rape fetish and a-

18:51 Adam Genius.

18:52 Caller Yeah.

18:54 Drew All right.

18:54 Caller I want to know what causes it and how would I get rid of it?

18:58 Adam Oh, right. Well, fireplace poker in the air is really the only way to get rid of it permanently.

19:04 Drew What do you mean by rape fetish? What is it you've actually-

19:07 Adam I like rape porn pretty much.

19:09 Drew What?

19:09 Caller I like rape porn.

19:11 Adam Rape porn?

19:11 Drew Rape porn. What does that mean?

19:12 Caller Like porn with women getting raped.

19:14 Adam Let me see if I can do that math. It's sort of like-

19:17 Drew This is more of the concrete stuff you're talking about.

19:19 Adam Drew, ask me what rape porn is really like. Me saying, go to the cupboard and get me the salad spinner. And you're going, salad spinner? What is that? What does that mean?

19:29 Drew What I'm asking-

19:30 Adam It's rape, it's porn, the salad, it's spinach, right there.

19:34 Drew I didn't ask the question, well, is it sort of S&M stuff, or what is it about? Is it just random rape fantasies?

19:41 Caller I'm not sure.

19:42 Adam I'm not sure exactly what it is.

19:44 Drew Or is this back to that conquering thing that we were talking about?

19:46 Adam There's a-

19:46 Caller I guess I kind of like the conquering thing.

19:50 Adam And is the rape- how detailed does the rape porn get? The guy breaking into the apartment kind of thing? Yeah. Let me explain. And Jared, you're not as nutty as you think you are. It's not a great impulse.

20:10 Drew Just don't do it. If you feel like doing it, then get some help. I find the whole- I know you're going to launch into something about these guys and the conquering impulse and stuff, but I find it extremely, exquisitely difficult to understand. Well, you're not like most men. I guess not, but to have a drive to be with a woman and have sex and not like women, that's hard for me to- I can't get that. It's like I want that car. I want to drive that car. I hate that car. I want to crush that car. I want to smash it up.

20:50 Adam No, it's a combination of- it's not that I don't like women. It's almost more like drugs, which is I need to do this. It feels good. I sort of don't like the drug. I like the way it makes me feel. I like doing it. I need it. I don't actually like it. I feel bad that I have to do it.

21:18 Drew I'm disgusting that I have to do it.

21:19 Adam Yes.

21:20 Drew But that means that guys feel really what they're reflecting upon is their own disgust and their own sexuality. It's not so much that they're disgusted with women.

21:28 Adam I think that's what it feels like. Yeah.

21:34 Drew And what an unpleasant way to go through life.

21:37 Adam No, but it's... Oh, yeah. Sure. Oh, high five from Chris again over there, by the way. Did a lot of rape fantasies at mom's house or are you just straight jack stuff? Is that... Let's check with Chris. How about a warm up, buddy? You're going to warm up?

21:54 Drew Careful, though.

21:58 Adam Here's it. Chris, engineer Chris, $10 an hour. You got me a warm up on this coffee. It would take you about a minute. That'd be, let's see, 60 and then... It'd be about a nickel. I'll give you 8 cents. I need you to get this. Oh, that's good. That's nice. Can people hate me more or less than this show? Millionaire needs a $10 an hour man to do it. And if I find a loogie floating at the top, then I'm going to be PO.

22:26 Drew Or some of his famous decorations.

22:27 Adam Oh, he likes to decorate. They call him the decorator. That's right. Jared, right. Okay.

22:34 Drew We've never discussed this topic. This is interesting, isn't it?

22:36 Adam Let's talk about it for a second. First off, we'll get back into it. Let's just handle Jared for a second. About 17, the testosterone is really hitting overdrive, and it creates a lot of bizarre sort of fantasy thoughts. Whereas, and you could remember those thoughts at 15 of sort of sneaking into the girl's locker room kind of thing and becoming like invisible. And then that actually becoming invisible. Here's a male, here's a male, male mind's work. About 13 or 14, that fantasy of I would like to be invisible and come in and see naked ladies at the locker room kicks in. That then gives way to I would like them to sort of pass out so I could grab their boobies. You know, it's the it's the next logical step to being invisible. Unclear whether I need to still be invisible. I guess it would hurt that way. No one else could see the roommate wouldn't see me walking in and out of the room. That would be weird when the comforter just mysteriously pulled off of their boobs and they're you know. OK, that that's what that is. The sort of rape thing is a almost an extension, a further extension of those kinds of fantasies. Yes. I don't know why, but it is OK. He's 17. This should slow down a little. He gets his sort of raging a spiking testosterone, which is under control, and it makes you makes you aggressive. And that's it. I could remember being 16 or 17, seeing some crappy movie. There used to be lots of good, good healthy, right? By the way, as we call it, there's lots of rape scenes in movies and being very titillated by it. Oh, my God. Now, you don't want to see any blood. You didn't want to kill. But the idea that all there's all the all the things with the guy sneaking into the room at night, the chick would always ultimately like it.

24:37 Drew Yeah.

24:38 Adam What's right? I don't believe happens in all rape cases where they actually start digging it at a certain point. But good 70s movies would do that.

24:46 Drew That was a routine at the beginning.

24:47 Adam It was like, hey, stop. And then it was kind of like, yeah, this does feel good after all.

24:52 Drew Yeah.

24:52 Adam Yeah. Nice message there, by the way.

24:56 Drew Great decade.

24:57 Adam Yeah. Very responsible message to send that. Well, once you get to the halfway point of the rape check, we'll start digging it.

25:03 Drew So literally the guy is going to push through doing half way doing demeaning things to a woman is the same thing as the woman going for the unavailable guy.

25:13 Adam I guess it is.

25:14 Drew So the bad guy. The same thing, right?

25:18 Adam Yeah.

25:18 Drew It has to do with disgust in your own sexuality.

25:22 Adam Yeah. At least strong feelings about it. Who is a passionate man? I could not understand. No disgust. No disgust.

25:30 Drew Zero.

25:31 Adam Zero.

25:31 Drew Zero.

25:31 Adam All right. We're going to take a quick break.

25:33 Drew Can't judge, though.

25:34 Adam We cannot. Even rape is true?

25:36 Drew No judgment. They allow that in Europe, I'm sure.

25:39 Adam That's our culture. A quick break from rape-onia. If there was a place, it would be in Europe, it would be called rape-onia and you came from there, then you could rape and we couldn't judge.

25:48 Drew That's right, because it's all beautiful.

25:50 Adam That's right.

25:51 Drew It's all guys' children.

25:52 Adam And it's a violent crime, by the way. Where you come. But violent. It come violently. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

26:00 Drew I'm a rapist.

26:02 1-800-LOVE-1-9-1 Drew.

26:06 Drew Adam.

26:07 Adam Guess how many Terrific Sense Ants deodorant body spray comes in?

26:11 Drew I've got six.

26:12 Adam No, it's more.

26:13 Drew Eight.

26:14 Adam No, more.

26:15 Drew Nine.

26:15 Adam No, seven.

26:16 Drew Oh.

26:17 Adam I think I screwed that up. Anyway, seven's a nut, friend.

26:19 Drew Seven's great.

26:23 Adam Drew, back in the hissy. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. And we'll speak to Ross. Ross is one of these names, by the way. There's certain names that are popular names, except for no one's named it. Ross is that name.

26:39 Drew Yeah.

26:39 Adam Ross, you're very popular.

26:42 Drew Everyone knows him, Ross.

26:43 Adam And then it's like, well, there's the fictitious Ross from Friends.

26:48 Drew And that's it. With Ross Porter.

26:51 Adam There was Ross Porter, who was an announcer for the Dodgers for some years.

26:56 Drew That can't be a real name.

27:00 Adam The point is, and I know everyone's thinking of a Ross right now, but is there a more popular or more well-known name that no one has named other than Ross? That's the one. Do you know a Ross? Is there any Rosses? No. How does that work? How does it get out?

27:18 Drew It's one of those words, too, that if you keep repeating it, it loses its meaning.

27:26 Adam It starts bleeding in the next one. I know a guy named Sarr. That was the S from the Ross before, and then you ended it with the R from the beginning, the third Ross. It must have a great publicist Ross, because it's the world's most popular name, except for no one is named Ross. Ross? You're 26?

27:49 Caller Yes, I am.

27:50 Adam Do you know any other Rosses?

27:52 Caller Ross Perot.

27:55 Adam There's a Ross. He's 96 years old, but there's a Ross.

28:00 Drew My 11-year-old son said Touche to me the other day. Wow. He goes, ah, Touche. Where'd you get that?

28:05 Adam Picked it up from you. Go ahead, Ross.

28:09 Caller Yeah. Well, I had four genital piercings, four penal piercings, to be exact, an ampulline, an opendravia, a phrenum, and a Prince Albert.

28:19 Adam What's the, what's the Robbie one?

28:22 Caller The which one?

28:23 Drew Opendravia?

28:24 Adam Opendravia?

28:25 Caller Opendravia goes...

28:26 Drew Sounds like a prison in Iraq.

28:29 Caller Yeah, it goes up and down through the head.

28:31 Drew Oh, that's a good time.

28:32 Adam What's it named after?

28:34 Caller Actually, no clue.

28:36 Drew Really?

28:37 Caller I had to call my friend. I wouldn't know off the top of my head.

28:40 Adam So that just goes straight through the head, up and down?

28:43 Caller Yeah, it goes straight through the head. It actually glances through the urethra. So over time you actually dribble out of both, both piercing holes as well as your urethra.

28:55 Adam When you say both, you mean the top and the bottom one? Yeah. Really? And if you put your finger over the end of your urethra, it would just spray up and spray down?

29:05 Caller Yeah, exactly. It's good times.

29:09 Adam Yeah. You see, Ross...

29:11 Caller I find PM to sink a lot easier than anything else.

29:14 Adam Well, hey, you know what? I was about to dig into Ross, but... He's a brethren. Yeah, we're one. Yeah, if we're Indians, we do that handshake thing where we, you know, do that, we both look at each other. Hand shake, we shake so hard, you know?

29:28 Caller Yeah.

29:29 Adam All right, listen, obviously something's wrong with you for putting all these holes in your penis, but get to your question.

29:35 Caller Okay, well, my Prince Albert, I started stretching it and stretching it and stretching it, and eventually the piercing was the size of almost a big pen, and I woke up one day and the jewelry had migrated. Which left the end of it split.

29:51 Drew Florida, yeah.

29:52 Caller Beautiful, right?

29:54 Adam The penis had, so the jewelry was gone, which meant your penis had broke out?

29:59 Caller Yeah, basically it had rejected the jewelry, which left a split from where the piercing originated all the way to the end of the urethra, leaving a, you know, an open split.

30:09 Drew Well, how far would you say, give me the distance?

30:12 Caller Um, a little more than a quarter of an inch.

30:18 Drew So you have sort of a flap at the end of your penis.

30:20 Caller Yeah, that's kind of like labia.

30:22 Drew Yeah, right, right.

30:24 Caller Okay, and so it exposed all those nerve endings, which makes it really, really sensitive. So if you're getting like fellatio, then it just makes it unbearable. Yeah, all right.

30:36 Adam Well, I'm sure they'll deaden up as the years wear on.

30:40 Caller It's been three, three and a half years.

30:43 Drew Put a condom on.

30:44 Adam Hold on. Yeah, but still. That's how you use it, but still in the sentence.

30:49 Drew So what's the question?

30:51 Caller Is there any way, like a plastic surgeon or somebody can sew that sucker back up? Maybe take a laser and, you know, glue it back together?

31:00 Adam I'll tell you, after having a Dr. Alter out here, I'm really...

31:05 Caller I tried to call when he was there, but I couldn't get through.

31:07 Adam You know, this guy turns coffee mugs into functioning vaginas.

31:11 Drew Oh, really? So he could turn Ross's penis into a vagina, but he couldn't turn it back into a penis?

31:16 Adam I'm sure he could make one hell of a broad out of you, Ross. Beautiful. I would try to get hold of someone like that and get a consultation.

31:25 Drew Yeah, it's going to be difficult. Again, the guy down here is... What's his first name?

31:30 Adam Oh, the Indian guy? Oh, Alter. Oh, Gary Alter.

31:33 Drew Gary Alter does that kind of thing specifically. But I don't know what you gain by sowing everything back together.

31:39 Adam Well, I'll tell you what. You're in Sacramento. You're going to have to either head north to...

31:44 Drew To Alaska?

31:45 Adam North to Alaska. No, wait a minute. Is San Francisco past Sacramento?

31:50 Drew It's just no. Yes, yes, a little further north.

31:52 Adam A little further north, yeah. More west. You're going to have to head into town, is what I'm saying. But I'll bet Frisco, not a bad spot. There's got to be a couple of crackpot doctors over there that focus on the junk.

32:06 Drew Yeah, I just don't see what he's going to gain from that. I'd be very surprised if the sensitivity was actually significantly improved.

32:13 Adam Do not put a pox on his penis, Drew. Let's let him head in.

32:17 Drew He poxed it himself.

32:18 Adam I know. And listen, all you screwballs, putting all your bolts through your joint, please. Use your brain. All right, go talk to a, go talk, go to San Francisco, find a guy and talk to him. Mike?

32:30 Caller Yeah.

32:30 Adam 19, Germany or Florida?

32:33 Caller All right. This man was desperate for a drink, so he decides to mix gasoline and milk. Well, ends up he gets sick and throws up in the fireplace, burning himself severely. Germany or Florida?

32:46 Drew That's a good one.

32:47 Adam It's a good one. It feels, it feels made up. It really does.

32:53 Drew Let's just say Germany.

32:54 Adam We're going Germany, though.

32:55 Caller Yeah, it's Germany. It's actually, I heard it on Bob and Tom. They said they got it after Drudge Report.

33:01 Adam If you heard it on Bob and Tom, then it's got to be true. Most news organizations go to Bob and Tom when they're doing their fact checkers. We'll go to Bob and Tom to see if they can confirm things. So, if you heard on Bob and Tom, it happened. If Bob and Tom said Dr. Drew died in a plane crash on his way home from Boston, you wouldn't be here. You would have to go back and do it. All right. Amy?

33:29 Caller Yes?

33:29 Adam You're 16?

33:31 Caller Yes.

33:31 Adam What's up?

33:33 Caller Okay. Well, I have a problem, you know. It's more like a question than a thing. You see, I was dating this one guy, and I have a question. Can you get pregnant from doing it from the back?

33:48 Drew You mean doggy style?

33:51 Caller Yeah.

33:52 Drew Or do you mean anal sex?

33:53 Caller Yeah, that, anal.

33:55 Drew Yeah. Can you get pregnant from anal? How would that work? How would that happen?

34:00 Caller Well, like, you know, regular, doing it from the back.

34:05 Drew Now, how would the sperm get to your uterus?

34:08 Oh, I don't know.

34:09 Caller I'm just asking, can you?

34:12 Adam Hey, Amy.

34:13 Caller Yes? She had Crohn's disease.

34:15 Adam First thing...

34:15 Drew She does?

34:17 Adam Do you have Crohn's?

34:17 Drew Oh, if she had Crohn's, then she had fistulas.

34:19 Adam Oh, if you had fistulas. All right. Amy.

34:22 Caller Yes?

34:23 Adam First thing I need to do is, are you out of school now? But you'll be going back in the fall?

34:30 Caller Yes.

34:30 Adam I need to find your health teacher.

34:32 Caller Mm-hmm.

34:33 Adam I need you to walk up to him like you want to shake his hand. And then I need you to throw a karate-style knee right to the groin. And when he keels over, drop the double-fisted hand right on the back of his head. And look at him and then spin on him while he's reeling on the ground.

34:49 Drew Couldn't have made it in him somewhere.

34:49 Adam And yell, you failed me.

34:51 You failed me horribly.

34:53 Caller No, no, I never took health, though.

34:55 Oh. I never took health.

34:56 Drew Well, then he failed you by not insisting that you would take health.

34:59 Adam I need you to... Next time you see your dad, I need you to extend your hand as if you're shaking it. Where is your dad?

35:07 Caller My dad's in Florida right now and I'm just...

35:10 Drew Florida. I was thinking to myself, Arizona? She's in Arizona. It sounds so Floridian.

35:15 Adam Yeah, what is your dad doing in Florida?

35:18 Caller He lives in Florida. My parents are divorced and I'm with my mom.

35:23 Adam All right. Well, listen, baby doll. No, you can't get pregnant via the anal butt.

35:31 Yeah, but see, this is one main concern.

35:34 Caller How the heck is it that I'm two weeks late?

35:37 Drew You can be late in your period and not be pregnant. It's the most common reason for a late period, and you certainly can get a pregnancy test to be sure, because God knows maybe something leaked out or got in his hands or who knows what he was doing.

35:50 Adam Do you have anal sex exclusively or do you have any regular sex?

35:56 No, you see, okay.

35:57 Caller I only had that one. I only did it that one time, only from the anal, not from the front.

36:03 Drew Why did you do it that way?

36:05 Caller Because I'm a very religious person, and I believe, you know, best save it, you know, for when you really need it. I'm very religious that way, and I believe period.

36:14 Drew Let's just take that in.

36:17 Adam No, this is, listen, this is, this is, OK, what I'm going to need you to do, Amy, is when you go to church on Sunday, I need you to walk up to the Reverend's hand. I'm going to walk up, and I need you to extend your hand to him. Like, you want to shake his hand? And I'm going to need you to knee him to the groin, and when he keels over, I want you to drop an elbow on the back of his neck, right? Right where the spine goes across there, and then kick him once in the stomach, and then spit on him, and yell, you failed me horribly. And then I want you to look up at Jesus on the cross.

36:52 Drew He'll be crying at that point.

36:53 Adam He'll be crying, and I want you to make a fist, and yell, you're next. Listen, are you real? Is this bogus, or are you that dumb?

37:06 Caller What do you mean, am I that dumb?

37:09 Drew How dare you, Adam?

37:10 Adam How dare you?

37:11 Drew How dare you?

37:12 Adam This is insane. What is your religion, by the way?

37:15 Caller I'm Catholic.

37:17 Adam And you're a virgin? That has had anal sex?

37:25 Caller Are you still a virgin if you have anal sex?

37:29 Adam No.

37:30 Holy, oh my God.

37:33 Adam All right, if this was a guy, you would think it was bogus, for sure.

37:37 Drew I know, but it's real, I think. Here's the deal, you're technically still a virgin, but virginity is not a technicality. And you've been very sexual and are no longer chaste, so the whole idea of virginity and modesty does not apply.

37:53 Adam The Lord is very upset, very upset.

37:56 Oh my God, you have to be kidding.

37:59 Adam No, I never kid when it comes to fairy tales and guys in diapers with beards. You sound ruined, baby.

38:13 Oh God.

38:14 Adam All right, this is bogus. Would you please just tell us this is bogus so we can get on with our lives? All right.

38:21 Drew There we go. Thank you, Amy.

38:23 Adam It's just that she had a little... There's probably a guy putting her up to it. Of course. Of course.

38:29 Drew She was good. Entertaining enough.

38:31 Adam She seemed stupid. Is it her dad lived in Florida?

38:35 Drew That's good.

38:36 Adam Do you think her dad really lived in Florida?

38:37 Drew Let's ask.

38:39 Adam Amy?

38:39 Caller Yeah?

38:40 Adam Does your dad really live in Florida?

38:42 Caller Yeah, he lives in Miami.

38:44 Drew And who's the guy that put you up to this?

38:46 My boyfriend.

38:49 Drew There we go. Fits.

38:50 Adam Yeah. This is the whole thing. There are no women bogus callers. There are women bogus puppet callers.

38:59 Drew Actresses.

39:00 Adam They're actresses.

39:00 Drew They're not bogus callers.

39:02 Adam They're guys. There's always a man behind it.

39:04 Drew Who casted the role and gave him the script. That's right. I'm sure the boyfriend's going, Amy, you are funny. You know what? We got to have you. Here's what we're going to do, Amy. I got a plan. Guys always got plans for their girlfriends.

39:15 Adam Believe me, he's going to use this as a segue too. It's going to be like, that was funny about the anal sex call. Man, wouldn't it be weird if we did do it that way? You know, speaking of anal, yeah, he's going to use that.

39:31 Drew Of course.

39:31 Adam It's a stepping stone.

39:32 Drew Man, males are diabolical.

39:34 Adam We will take ourselves a little break. We're going to get on the computer and figure out who Bob and Tom are. And we'll be right back after this.

39:49 Caller Love Line is brought to you by the Sony Network Walkman Player with up to 30 hours battery life. Sony, like no other.

40:01 Adam Hey there, buddy, Loveline, Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Drew hates Clinton, everybody.

40:10 Drew I don't hate him. I'm just, it just refueled my indignation at the lack of people's willingness to really talk realistically about who he is and what he's done, and us buying, as you say, his lies. I'm not even harsh enough to call him a liar. I'm just a distortion.

40:28 Adam He's just damaged goods. He just got raised by a crazy, horrible mom, and now he's a mess. That's the way I look at it. You need some therapy.

40:38 Aaron?

40:39 Adam Hey. You're 23? What's happened?

40:43 Drew I actually, by the way, ended up feeling sorry for the guy reading the book. I felt like really sorry for him.

40:48 Caller I had a couple of two questions. My wife's pregnant seven months now, and I heard towards the end of pregnancy, you should have as much sex as you can to help her out during the birth.

41:01 Adam No.

41:02 Drew That's ridiculous.

41:03 Adam You're just gonna-

41:03 Drew What do you mean help her out?

41:04 Adam Just gonna yoke out her vagina?

41:06 Drew That is ridiculous.

41:08 Caller Like loosen her up or-

41:09 Drew That is ridiculous.

41:11 Adam Yeah, you gotta put some mink oil on her vagina too and have your dad park the car on it.

41:16 Drew First of all-

41:17 Adam Yeah, work it in like a catcher's mitt. You really, you know what I mean?

41:20 Drew Couple things.

41:21 Adam I put a ball in there and put a belt around her hips at night.

41:23 Drew There's a chemical release called relaxin that sort of loosens all the joints and the pelvic, even the joint that holds the pelvis together loosens. So that area is already extra loose.

41:33 Adam Relaxin sounds like one of those BS chemicals that they like talking about. This, our new herbal tea now with relaxin.

41:43 Drew It's a chemical they had not identified when I was in training, so they just sort of gave it a name. And the baby's head's coming down the pike there. Your penis, sorry, pales. And the whole thing will dilate by virtue of neurobiology. But on the other hand, women tend to get very aroused during the last part of pregnancy. That's when they're really at their most receptive or more than that, tumescent. They're very tumescent during that time.

42:13 Adam Brittany? Gotta loosen them up, Drew.

42:16 Drew Now you can also induce birth a little bit. If you have a high-risk pregnancy going, you gotta be careful. Brittany, what's up?

42:26 Caller I have been dating this guy for about two months and he's 18. Tomorrow, we're supposed to be hanging out and the whole time we've been dating, my rule has been 16 for having sex because I'm a virgin.

42:48 Drew Perfect. 17, let's push it up a little bit. Would you like us to decide for you? We'd be happy to actually.

43:09 Adam No.

43:09 Drew You don't want to have sex with him.

43:10 Adam Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

43:11 Drew You've known him for two months. In the big scheme of things, this guy is not going to go on.

43:19 Adam You're going to bond.

43:20 Drew Oh, you're going to feel horrible when he leaves.

43:22 Adam He's going to release that relaxant in you. And then he's wheeling off to Tennessee.

43:28 Drew Yeah, no, no, don't do it. Do not do it. You'll regret it. I guarantee it. Make a pact with us. You will not do that.

43:35 Adam He's not your daughter, Drew. Please. When is he leaving to Tennessee? Oh, that's too soon. Yeah. Here's the thing. Listen to me. I'm a genius. If you were going to tell me that he was leaving in September sometime and that this is going to be a summer relationship kind of thing, and you were going to turn 16 in three weeks.

44:00 Drew No, no. Do not do it.

44:03 Adam Okay. You're more 14 than you are 16. Number one. Number two, this guy's out of here in a week, week and a half. That's it. Not even a week and a half. If he is pretty much a week, he's out of here. That's it. No sex. It's going to screw you up and you'll regret it your whole life. You will. Your whole life and maybe beyond. You may be in God's mansion because he's got a mansion and the streets are paved with gold and you'll be up there and you'll be at his, at his hem of his garment there and you'll be regretting it. That's how long it's going to last. And then that keeps going because you never die. And then you get reunited with people you love, but not the people you don't like.

44:45 Drew Yeah, or the 60 billion people lived before you or the ancient man.

44:49 Adam The 60 billion? Yeah, no, there's not going to be, there's not going to be any people that are involved like in certain stages of evolution.

44:56 Drew You know, that chart? Yes, yes.

44:57 Adam They won't, no, they won't be up there.

44:59 Drew No, only the, only the Homo sapien post Egyptian times.

45:04 Adam That's right. And pets are allowed, I found out, but not other wild animals, not other animals. There'll be no grizzlies or manatees or anything like that. There, but there will be, there will be dogs and kittens, but no full grown cats. They didn't make the cut. They'll see if they can vote them in next year, but it doesn't look good for them. So there'll be pets, only your beloved pets, not ones you didn't like that much, or ones that got rabies and died in the woods. It's a little tricky. The point is there's some animals and then there'll be you.

45:36 Drew But no mange.

45:37 Adam And there'll be some guys, but not, not everybody. Yeah. And not people you don't like. It'll make sense when you hear that.

45:43 Drew And everyone will have had an aristocratic history. No peasants.

45:46 Adam That's right.

45:47 Drew Although most humans have been peasants of farmers.

45:50 Adam No, no, you're talking about reincarnation. That's different. This is going to happen. All right, we'll take a little break. Yeah. And the cripples and stuff will be healed. So you might not recognize it because there was a guy in a wheelchair that you knew from high school.

46:05 Drew And people that died of Alzheimer's will have their brains back.

46:06 Adam They'll be smarter, yeah. And unclear how old they'll be. But they'll be up there. They'll be the age they were before they got the Alzheimer's.

46:13 Drew No, they'll be the age that your memory tells you they should be.

46:16 Adam All right, I got it. I got it worked out. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

46:21 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal.

46:22 Caller You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

46:26 One call is all you need to make.

46:27 Caller Call the Dateline.

46:28 Caller 877-889-DATE.

46:31 Drew Call the Dateline.

46:32 Caller Oh yeah!

46:33 Drew Everybody now!

46:42 Caller Hello everybody!

47:06 Adam It's Love Line, phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1. That's Dr. Drew, I'm Adam Carolla. And we're gonna get back to a call that we had a little bit earlier in the night. Kitty and her horny roommate were, I believe her roommate was a stripper.

47:22 Drew From The Score.

47:24 Adam From The Score, downtown LA. Gotta get by that place. And the phone was cutting out a lot. We weren't getting the full story. And I became so consumed with her smoke alarm, which was going off every 30 seconds in the room, her and her roommate's sleep in. And it's been going off for two weeks, by the way. I became obsessed with that. That we never really got to her question.

47:46 Drew But we did get the smoke alarm timed out.

47:48 Adam 39 seconds.

47:50 Drew 37, I believe it was.

47:51 Adam I think it's 39, but we can settle it. Kitty?

48:00 Drew Yeah, actually now we hear you a little better than last time.

48:02 Caller Okay.

48:09 Adam Yeah, Snoop Dogg was in a little bit earlier and Kitty was calling to talk to him. Kitty, please stand in the room where the smoke detector was going off.

48:22 Caller Yeah.

48:23 Drew What's that? You're in there now. This should go off again at 34.

48:33 Caller Is that I notice whenever I smoke pot, my sex drive increases a lot and I know it's kind of becoming a problem because I'm not really able to get off unless I'm high.

48:46 Drew Interesting, is it with the same guy or with your boyfriend now?

48:51 Adam No wonder she wants to talk to Snoop Dogg, by the way.

48:54 Caller Oh, because it was a bed-related question and I'm a Snoopy groupie.

48:59 Adam Mm-hmm, yeah. I'm not sure what Snoopy does with people named Kitty. I'm not sure if it kills them or humps them. Drew, you're right, it's 37, it's not 32. That's what I'm talking about. I'm not 39, it just pace the smoke today. It's interesting that a woman understands the concept of a six-inch heel but doesn't understand the concept of a stepladder.

49:23 Drew Yeah, what is that?

49:25 Adam I don't know. All right, Kitty, so when you get high, you have your orgasm, that's what you get used to. And that feels good. And if you're not high, you're not gonna have an orgasm. All right, well, people do have certain senses heightened when they're high, although later, after a few years, it starts to dull out a little bit.

49:49 Drew Right.

49:49 Adam Which is speed and fix all that. And here's the other thing too. If your mantra is, I can't have an orgasm without weed, you're gonna have a hard time having an orgasm without weed.

50:03 Caller Also, if you're a trauma survivor, I keep an open mind.

50:05 Drew If you're a trauma survivor, as we've sort of decided you are, sex can have a lot of difficult feelings associated with it and the pot can sort of medicate that away.

50:14 Caller Really?

50:16 Adam How about, yeah, are you, were you sexually abused? Did you say that before?

50:21 Caller No.

50:23 Adam No, no. Physically abused?

50:25 Caller No.

50:26 Adam Your dad work with metal?

50:28 Caller No.

50:29 Adam What does he do?

50:31 Caller Well, he's actually, he writes books.

50:36 Adam On working with metal?

50:37 Caller No, nothing with working with metal.

50:39 Adam Your dad is an author? Drew and I are gonna have to either kill ourselves or convene in the corner.

50:45 Caller He writes political books.

50:47 Adam And did he abandon the family early? He's still with your mother?

50:53 Caller No, I don't live with her. I live with my roommate.

50:57 Adam By the way, that is the, her smoke detector, which goes off every 37 seconds in the room that she sleeps in.

51:02 Drew We both dreamt when it goes off.

51:04 Adam Let me explain. A turtle would go insane if it was in that room. Do you understand that? I'm trying to think of, I'm trying to think of a life form, a jellyfish would kill itself, would take, would eat one of its own tentacles.

51:15 Drew A cilantro, yes, a cilantro would lose its mind.

51:17 Adam That's right.

51:18 Drew There's no mind.

51:18 Adam There are things that have less than one cell that would kill the- A planaria would kill itself. Do you understand what that thing chirping?

51:27 Drew Well, listen, still, what is up with Kitty? That's not all fitting for me at all.

51:30 Adam All right. Why are you out of the house so young? You're only 18 years old.

51:35 Caller Because I make a lot of money.

51:37 Drew What do you do?

51:39 Adam What kind of modeling? High fashion?

51:44 Drew Northridge? Hold on.

51:45 Adam No, let me explain that. She's doing porn and she's really high when she's doing... That's high fashion. She's getting reamed and she's high. What do you mean high fashion?

52:00 Caller Well, like I'm aspiring. I do like projects, just a paint work for catalogs and some magazine work. I've been in a couple of ads, but I'm trying to work my way up to go to Europe to model.

52:12 Adam You want to go to Europe? And I've screened this many times. All they ever boast about in Europe is how beautiful the women are over there. Did they have to take our hotties? You know what I mean? She's calling from the San Fernando Valley. She's a hot chick from the San Fernando Valley. That's my hometown. Do you know what I'm saying? I could use her, but no, I got to pack her up and ship her off to France because they don't got hot chicks and where are their hot chicks? I don't see them in Northridge. That's for goddamn sure. Why do we got to take all our hot 15-year-olds and ship them off to Europe? They don't have hot chicks in Europe? They got plenty of hot chicks in Europe.

52:51 Drew You've got that European, there should be an exchange, right?

52:53 Adam Okay, that's a point. For every good looking hot teen, we send your ass from a Kentucky or Iowa or Northridge, you send us a hot chick from Sweden or France or Germany. How about it? One for one, like they do with terrorists. You know what I mean? Or hostages or prisoners, we exchange. Why should you take all our hotties? And again, you're Europe, everything's better there, right? Don't you have more hotties than we have? What do you need our hotties? I never understand that. Like whenever you talk to any of the models, half of them, they grew up in like Alabama or Georgia or something, what happened? Well, at 14, I went to Milan to begin my modeling. What do they need your 14 year old ass over there for? Well, I was skinny. I had nice eyes and nice hair. Yeah, they don't have a billion of them? Really? They don't have a chick over five, eight that they can use? How does that work, by the way? Well, what really, I know it sounds like this is just the rantings of a madman, but do they need our 15-year-olds from Kentucky to fly over there to Europe to get raped by their coked up balding? Wranglers. Wranglers, yes, yes, they're artisans. Do they need that? Do they have to go to Paris? I've been to Paris twice, there's hot chicks all over the place. Just use your own. How many 14-year-olds do you need, by the way? What are you doing? How much print work? What's going on? Is there that much work? Am I insane? Jeremy Piven does 5,000 movies, that's all. He's coming in tomorrow night, by the way.

54:43 Drew And by the way, with the computer stuff that is, do you have to go there for the environment?

54:49 Adam Find 20 hot Parisian chicks and use them, and that'll be enough. Why do we need a new one?

54:57 And why do we have to deplete our resources, our little resources of hotties?

55:04 Adam And here's the thing too, they go over there, they start smoking, they get coked up, they get hooked up with an Arab guy, and that's the last we see of them. Gone for good. Who gets left behind? The trolls. And we have them, ugly sex with them, and then produce ugly offspring, therefore further depleting. Do you understand this is a national crisis? We're so worried about the wetlands disappearing, we're not focusing on the hot 14 year olds that are going abroad and never coming back.

55:33 Drew This is the new campaign to replace the rainforest.

55:36 Adam Roman Polanski is raping them, they're married, they never come back, they're gone. And meanwhile, we got the thick, cankled chicks over here, we're reproducing, we're having ugly offspring. Slowly, slowly the population of young hotties is shrinking and shrinking until eventually there's nothing left for us. And then what happens? We gotta move over to Europe. And start taking our hotties back.

56:01 Drew That could be okay too.

56:02 Adam That's why I wanna implement a tagging process where if we tag and track our young hotties.

56:10 Drew Okay, okay, all right, good. Got a plan.

56:13 Adam All right. Do you really? I gotta go to Europe. No, no hot chicks in Europe. No, no, no, nothing hot.

56:19 Drew No, no, no, no, no.

56:21 Adam Kitty? How much money do you make a month modeling?

56:27 Caller You know, actually, I think that you saw me. I was at Starbucks yesterday in Hollywood and I saw you walk by. It's like, were you there? I think it was you, Adam.

56:40 Adam Yeah, yeah. Start, well, let's see.

56:43 Drew In a Starbucks? He walked into a Starbucks?

56:45 Caller No, no, no. I was sitting outside right by the Ryan Seacrest Show.

56:48 Drew Oh, you probably were there.

56:50 Adam Yeah, we did go to Starbucks yesterday afternoon.

56:52 Caller Did you see a blonde girl in an off the shoulder, like loose, kind of sheer white shirt and blonde? That was me. And I saw you and I tried to say hi, but I didn't want to bother you. You were talking to some guys.

57:04 Adam Yeah, I was more yammering, right?

57:07 Yeah.

57:09 Adam Un-shaven and looked like I was complaining about something. Yeah, you should have stopped me.

57:15 Caller Really?

57:15 Drew Or before, yeah, before he killed again.

57:17 Adam I'll tell you what, let's do it tomorrow. Yeah, go down there again.

57:22 Caller Really?

57:24 Drew What time? Should I sit there all day?

57:25 Adam No, no, because here's what happens. Every day after the writers meeting-

57:30 Drew Yeah, so she should go there at one o'clock.

57:31 Adam No, there at one o'clock.

57:32 Drew No, one o'clock, he'll see you there. Really?

57:34 Adam Yeah.

57:35 Drew He won't remember that he made this day, but he'll be there one day.

57:38 Adam We'll go there.

57:38 Drew We'll go across the street.

57:40 Adam We'll do it, yeah. All right, and this time stop me.

57:44 Caller Like my heritage, I'm Swedish.

57:45 Adam All right, well, you stay here. You stay here stateside. We're not gonna export hotties anymore. By the way, this is worse than giving nuclear technology to the Koreans. Do you understand? This is dangerous.

58:01 Drew More serious.

58:02 Adam More serious, a more pressing issue in my mind. And believe me, when I'm in charge, this is one of my platforms I take a stand on.

58:09 Drew So you get elected on this one.

58:10 Adam Yeah, you'll not be going to Europe to model. None of you. You model right here or there'll be no modeling at all.

58:18 Drew That's my policy, by the way.

58:20 Adam You model stateside or you don't model at all.

58:23 Drew Now you interview Kitty, but you find out what the hell's the matter with her. Something's wrong.

58:26 Adam Tomorrow?

58:26 Drew Yeah.

58:27 Adam I got to remember to go to that Starbucks.

58:29 Drew Underdeveloped in somewhere.

58:32 Adam Well, let's hope it's not in any visible way. And no, I don't. I don't know how hot she can be. I didn't see her.

58:38 Drew Yeah, when you're complaining, are you kidding?

58:40 Adam Although, yeah, when I walk, I look at my feet.

58:42 Drew Not walking, when you're complaining.

58:44 Adam When I'm complaining, I have a single focus, which is, it's a sidewalk in front of me.

58:48 Drew No, which is everyone listen to me.

58:50 Adam Right, but I can't be noticing hot chicks.

58:53 Drew Aliyah?

58:54 Yes?

58:55 Adam You're 17?

58:56 Caller Yes, I am.

58:57 Adam What's up?

58:59 Caller Me and my friends have all, like, gone through this question. If, okay, if a guy is having sex and he penetrates his first time, but he doesn't finish, does it count as him losing his virginity, even though he doesn't finish?

59:12 Drew Yes, because if the orgasm was a necessary requirement of losing one's virginity, half the female population would not lose their virginity until they were 30.

59:22 Adam 70.

59:23 Caller But, you know, You just lost all my faith in my husband.

59:28 Drew What? You're married?

59:30 Caller Yes, I'm married. And that's how the question first came to me, is because he was with a girl, but he never, he always told me, well, I didn't finish, so it didn't count. You're my first.

59:38 Drew Yeah, and you believe that BS.

59:41 Adam Well, hold on a second. Hold on.

59:43 Drew I didn't see orgasm, so it didn't count. Yeah. Adam.

59:48 Adam Hold on a second, Drew.

59:49 Drew You're gonna try to convince her of something else?

59:51 Adam No, but I will say that there are shades of gray here. And now just listen.

59:58 Drew Are you high?

59:59 Adam Now, first off, the woman orgasming part is completely out of the window. You can't, can I use the same criteria to measure the man versus the female virgin? Mm-hmm. Virgin, okay. So let's set that aside for a second. Secondly, no, if a guy has intercourse with no orgasm, he is no virgin. But I would say that the fact that he had his first orgasm with you...

1:00:26 Drew Sets you apart.

1:00:27 Adam Sets you apart. Makes you a little more special. And if it's possible to be seven-eighths not a virgin or three-quarters not a virgin, this is it.

1:00:38 Drew Well, let me put it in a different context. The whole thing about virginity has gotten so blurred anyway, this is just another technicality. But it is a gradation of some type.

1:00:48 Adam Yes. Yes, yes. And it could mean that it didn't go on very long, it was uncomfortable, he wasn't enjoying it, all things that bode nicely for you.

1:01:01 Drew Or she was so hot that he freaked out, couldn't handle it.

1:01:06 Adam Or are you finished with your hair?

1:01:10 Caller He was really like bag over the head ugly.

1:01:12 Adam Drew is taking a walk here. Drew likes to finish in the hair. That's his thing, his passion. Yeah, you're 17 and you're married already.

1:01:22 Caller I've been married since I was 16 for a year now.

1:01:25 Adam So it's been many years.

1:01:26 Drew Why?

1:01:27 Adam Well, that's better.

1:01:28 Drew Why 16?

1:01:29 Caller My dad was very abusive.

1:01:31 Drew Oh, okay, you're taking rest.

1:01:32 Caller I kind of like ran off and got married with mine.

1:01:35 Drew All right, well, you know, that's what you did. All right, how's your husband?

1:01:38 Caller He's great. He's in the military. He's in Korea right now. He's coming home on Monday.

1:01:44 Drew Adam has a...

1:01:45 Adam Adam brought up Korea 33 seconds ago.

1:01:48 Drew Yeah, but Adam has something he needs to sort of bring up with your, the military and your husband, interestingly, is particularly as it pertains to Korea. They need to really adjust their priorities.

1:01:56 Adam Yeah. Oh, shut up. What's your, what's your husband do over there?

1:02:01 Caller He's in comm communications. He works, he sits on his butt in a comfortable chair and works on a computer all day.

1:02:07 Adam All right. Well, that's good. And then at least he has something that might translate into some sort of civilian work too, by the way, working for a communications company, computer company, phone company. You know, some of these guys that get into the military, it's like, what do you do? I do artillery ranging. I'm an artillery ranging specialist. What is that? Well, I actually go ahead and put the detonation caps in the army artillery shells. We used a 55 millimeter howitzer. And then it's like, what do you think you're going to do transition into into working for the school board working on artillery? Like, listen, Nimrod, when you're in the military, you're supposed to be there for like four years, supposed to learn something. Then you're supposed to get out. You're supposed to use a GI Bill, buy a house and translate it into something. Don't be putting primers into 55 millimeter howitzers. You know what I'm saying?

1:03:03 Drew Yep. You're right.

1:03:05 Adam Thank you. Hey, you know what I'm saying? Why do that part?

1:03:10 Why do that part?

1:03:11 Drew It's what their passion is.

1:03:12 Adam I know. Okay. But you know, be a diesel mechanic, learn to work on jet engines, do the communications thing. Don't be the artillery ranging guy. Unless you get a job at the circus and the human cannonball or something, maybe here's where we put the net. I don't know. By the way, that guy does not get enough credit.

1:03:34 Drew The human cannonball guy?

1:03:35 Adam Does not get enough credit.

1:03:36 Drew The guy that sets up the...

1:03:37 Adam No, the human cannonball. Imagine you're climbing into a cylinder that's about 20 feet long and someone is setting a net up on the other end of the parking lot.

1:03:49 Drew It's like a big trapeze act, basically.

1:03:51 Adam In between you and the net is 200 foot of asphalt. Think about it. You're going to be about... You'll be about nine stories in the air and you'll be covering, essentially, a parking lot. A couple of vans, a couple of mobile homes. You overshoot it, you're in a more parking lot. You come up short. You understand, it's not a whole long strip of net.

1:04:18 Drew So again, really, it's the artillery adjustment guy. The guy that's setting the artillery range that really deserves a crack.

1:04:23 Adam The human cannonball deserves a medal. Think about it. I mean, imagine you just stand at the end of the barrel. Just pretend you're standing on the ground out in the parking lot, you're in the barrel, walking 200 feet over to where the net is on the other side of the thing. Just stepping over curbs, parking blocks, park cars, what have you. Yes, you'll be covering this terrain in the air. If something should happen, by the way, you come up a little short, you get hit by seagull or something, you'll be about eight stories in the air too. Something happens, a strong wind knocks you off, whatever. You're not going to be landing anywhere on this net. We just assume, just assume throwing you over an eight story building and just go sailing into the parking lot. It's hairy.

1:05:08 Drew Yes, yes, you're right.

1:05:10 Forget the whole cannon part.

1:05:13 Adam The flying part is hairy enough. You're being launched out of a cannon. I got to get it, Drew. Give them their deal.

1:05:19 Drew You're right.

1:05:19 Adam Give them their deal.

1:05:22 Drew Done. Give it to them. You guys are great. Amazing.

1:05:26 Adam All right. Aliyah? All right. Here's all I want you to do. This is why you shouldn't get married at 16 because you get caught up and they sort of like who is a virgin and all this kind of stuff. Just remember this is a good guy. It's not your daddy. Don't act out on him. Don't sabotage this relationship. He's going to come back from Korea. There's going to be some growing pains. You guys are going to be living on top of each other for the first time in a few months. You're going to be getting on each other's nerves. You're going to start acting out. You're going to want to get him to abuse you like you're abusive dad.

1:06:10 Drew Or you're going to want to do something to get something out of him, a rise out of him.

1:06:15 Adam Don't do it. I know you do.

1:06:19 Drew We know what that is.

1:06:20 Adam Don't rattle his cage.

1:06:23 Drew Be thankful.

1:06:25 Caller You guys knew that because I do. I don't know why I do it, but I do.

1:06:30 Drew You need to evoke dad from this guy.

1:06:33 Adam Yes.

1:06:34 Drew You need to evoke that experience. I know, but you're going to work at him until you get him to behave like you did.

1:06:39 Adam Whaley shows you the back of his hand one day.

1:06:42 Drew Don't do that.

1:06:43 Adam Don't do it.

1:06:44 Drew Just be thankful for what you got.

1:06:47 Adam This is your issue and you need to work on it.

1:06:51 Drew People that have been traumatized, find ways to reenact the trauma. They'll find somebody that's the same person or they evoke something from...

1:07:00 Adam Or they get the person to become that person.

1:07:02 Drew Right, or evoke something like that.

1:07:03 Adam Yeah. God bless you, Liam, for... For understanding and agreeing with us.

1:07:08 Drew She's open to it.

1:07:09 Adam Yeah. She knows she tugs on him. All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. When we come back, we'll speak to... Huh? Took a melatonin once.

1:07:22 Caller Related lower sex.

1:07:23 Adam Took nine melatonin. Made a bottle of those things. Ever since Dr. Bruce told me to eat them by the handful, I said, bro, I'm going nuts. Jenny over here, doesn't want to have sex with boyfriend anymore? Gets mad when he does? All right, beautiful. We'll talk to her after. Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1-er, all right, let's, I want to do Germany or Florida.

1:08:00 Drew Can you believe we get paid the same? Can you believe that, Chris? No. Very enthusiastic.

1:08:05 Adam I'm lucky we're not doing peace work and I get paid by the syllable because you'd be destroyed. Reena? Yeah, imagine, Drew, if we were getting paid by the word and you and I had to compete. You see what I'm saying? See who could try to make more money?

1:08:21 Drew Yeah, but there'd have to be sort of a weight applied to each word. You know what I mean? There'd be a value to each word.

1:08:27 Adam I don't know. I think it would go something like this. Watch, it'd be like this. Reena.

1:08:32 Drew Reena, what's going on here?

1:08:35 Caller I'm not talking right now.

1:08:39 Adam Well, you see, now, in that one, I would have gotten in like 21 words, you would have gotten in 19 words. You're very competitive. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

1:08:48 Drew The words involved, this would be very important. Yes.

1:08:50 Adam Okay. And for redundancy, you'd have, like I said, no, I'm not 128 tons. That wouldn't work. Wouldn't work. Oh, wait a minute. Just repeat what you said.

1:08:59 Drew But there was a context to it.

1:09:01 Adam That's okay. That's okay. That's okay.

1:09:04 Drew All right.

1:09:05 Adam Let's stop being punchy. It's time to play Germany or Florida, by the way.

1:09:08 Drew Let's go.

1:09:09 Adam Let's go.

1:09:09 Drew Let's go.

1:09:10 Adam Let's go. Reena?

1:09:11 Caller Yeah.

1:09:12 Adam 14, baby doll. Germany or Florida? Here we go.

1:09:16 Caller A man suspected of murder after he was seen carrying what a neighbor thought was a body into his flat has cleared his name by showing police his collection of rubber specks of...

1:09:24 Drew We've seen this one.

1:09:25 Adam They've heard this one.

1:09:25 Drew Yes, we have heard, actually.

1:09:26 Adam Yeah. They decided it was Germany.

1:09:28 Drew Yeah, it was Germany.

1:09:28 Adam And don't use flat.

1:09:30 Drew Flat. There's no Florida flats.

1:09:32 Adam No. They don't have apartments.

1:09:35 Drew Way to go, Ray. Nice job.

1:09:36 Adam But thanks.

1:09:37 Drew It was good. We liked that one.

1:09:38 Adam Good job. Yeah.

1:09:41 Caller Yeah.

1:09:41 Adam That was Germany. Here we go. Another bogus call coming up here. Justin?

1:09:47 Caller Hey, how are you doing?

1:09:48 Adam You're 18. So my question is, my friend was at work and her friend there said that sex, you know, when she's on her bed and I'm happy because girlfriend wants him to do anal sex with her. He's reluctant. What's the about the rest?

1:10:07 Drew That's bogus.

1:10:10 Adam Began smoking pot, got dad smoking pot.

1:10:13 Caller Yeah.

1:10:13 Adam 108 minutes on hold, Drew.

1:10:15 Drew Let's go.

1:10:17 Adam Shasta? Is that your name? What kind of name is Shasta?

1:10:28 Drew It's a soda. It's a soda. Adam, it's a soda.

1:10:33 Adam It's a mountain as well.

1:10:35 Drew It's a lake. It's a lake and a county.

1:10:37 Adam Yeah. So, who named you Shasta? All right. What's up?

1:10:44 Caller Well, about a week ago, I started smoking pot.

1:10:51 Adam Okay.

1:10:51 Caller And I was wondering, because the guys that are my friends that I smoke with, they said that it doesn't really do anything to you.

1:11:02 Drew No, that's not true. That's simply not true. It doesn't do anything to you if you smoke it once a month, but if you're smoking it every day, it has rather profound effects. Three times a week can begin to add up.

1:11:18 Adam That's enough. You're calling from Bakersfield, right?

1:11:22 Drew You need everything you got.

1:11:23 Adam Believe me. Yeah. You should be eating like a ginkgo biloba. Is that the herb? You need one of those supplements that help your brain.

1:11:34 Drew Not to bring it down.

1:11:36 Adam Yeah.

1:11:36 Drew Pot, for some people, can be quite addictive, and when it's used regularly, it will have rather profound effects on your development, particularly at your age. So please, please, please don't get going with that.

1:11:45 Adam You're 16, baby doll. You've got to move far away from Bakersfield.

1:11:50 Caller I want to live in London.

1:11:53 Adam Good.

1:11:53 Drew I think what Chast will be like, that name in London will be very intrigue.

1:11:57 Adam What are you going to do there?

1:11:59 Caller Video game producing.

1:12:01 Adam Oh, that's perfect.

1:12:03 Drew Why London?

1:12:04 Caller Because it's LA, New York, and London, and Japan.

1:12:09 Drew Really? They may require her to smoke pot, though, to be a part of that industry, mightn't they?

1:12:13 Adam What do you have to do to be a video game producer?

1:12:16 Caller I don't know. I'm going to get into the code area, like designing all the stuff.

1:12:20 Drew Where do you train for that?

1:12:22 Caller Well, I'm taking this computer programming class, and I need to learn all the programs. Like, I'm going to write programs. Good. I'm going to do all the code behind it, kind of like HTML.

1:12:33 Drew Shasta, don't. You need every brain cell you've got. Do not waste them.

1:12:38 Adam That's right.

1:12:38 Drew This is a highly competitive and intellectual field, it seems to me, at least challenging field.

1:12:43 Adam Yes. Yeah, here's the whole thing about the weed, everybody. It stunts your mental growth, especially if you're doing it all the time. There's just certain things you miss.

1:12:53 Drew It's not an accident we know you're smoking a lot of pot. We can tell immediately when somebody's smoking a lot of pot. Not because they seem sharp and on their game.

1:13:01 Adam No.

1:13:02 Drew Quite the contrary.

1:13:02 Adam It dulls you. It's like when you don't get enough sleep, but every day. And I know you make that thing, but it does take the edge off. And make you not quite as sharp as you are.

1:13:14 Drew That's Caitlin.

1:13:15 Adam Yeah. Caitlin? Yeah. When I say not enough sleep, I mean like, you know, five minutes sleep. You're a mess. Yeah. You don't think straight. Caitlin?

1:13:26 Drew Yeah.

1:13:26 Adam You're 17? Yeah. Except for Bill Maher.

1:13:30 Drew He doesn't sleep?

1:13:31 Adam No, I think he smokes a ton of weed, but he's a very sharp guy.

1:13:35 Drew I bet he doesn't smoke that much. No, I bet when he smokes, he smokes plenty. Well, there always is that guy that smokes for a long, long period of time, and it seemed to be resistant to these accumulative effects, the drug. I've known some people. I've done some doctors that do that, and what I will tell you is, eventually, that bill comes due.

1:13:56 Adam Well, here's what I'm telling you. That ain't you, whoever's listening.

1:14:00 Drew Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I know.

1:14:01 Adam You ain't Bill Maher.

1:14:01 Drew Believe me, I've seen two of those people in my whole life.

1:14:03 Adam Bill Maher smoke a hay bale of pot a week and still be sharp as a tack.

1:14:08 Drew I can't believe that would be Bill. It doesn't fit. Maybe twice a week he smokes out, but not every day.

1:14:14 Adam I don't know. Really, I don't know how much he smokes.

1:14:19 Drew I bet not.

1:14:19 Adam Just whenever I'm around him.

1:14:23 Drew Well, he may be saying the same thing about you. Because whenever he's around you, you're smoking pot.

1:14:27 Adam Well, yeah, but he hands me the joint. So? I don't ask him if he wants to go smoke weed. Okay, here's my point.

1:14:34 Drew I remember when Tony Curtis asked him to go smoke weed.

1:14:36 Adam Asked you to go smoke weed? Asked Bill?

1:14:38 Drew Yeah, Tony Curtis.

1:14:41 Adam Whoa.

1:14:41 Drew I'm like, oh my God.

1:14:43 Adam All right, here's the point. Here's the thing with pot, Drew, stop making noise.

1:14:46 Drew I was kidding.

1:14:48 Adam There are a handful of people that are so intelligent, that are so advanced, that have such big brains, that they can actually cool their jets down a little. It's like trying to put out a volcano with a garden hose. Yeah, technically it cools it a little bit, but really it's so powerful that whatever. It'd be a little better without it.

1:15:08 Drew And I understand that you sort of see this as the horsepower of the individual, but there may actually be some properties that resist the cumulative effect of the drug also.

1:15:18 Adam Yeah, yeah, there is, but yes, there is. I'm sure there is, but it's obviously, look, I know plenty of intelligent people, not gonna mention any more names other than Bill Maher, who like to take a toke now and again, and that's being conservative, who have not seemed to have lost a step from their game. Okay, and I know many of these people, and they're adults and they consume a lot of marijuana and yet very sharp. Okay, they can do it because they're very intelligent people, they don't get the effects that you would have. Right, but here's what I'm saying, that ain't you. All your nut jobs from Bakersfield, you need every cell you got.

1:15:58 Drew And I'm inclined to think that they probably, really seriously, I have to, let's get Bill up here.

1:16:04 Adam Should we consume me for slander?

1:16:06 Drew Slander, just trying to speak the truth. Here we go. Kaylin, trying.

1:16:11 Adam Yeah, it's a libel when you talk about it, slander when you're writing it, or which one? Kaylin? What's happening?

1:16:19 Hi, first off, Dr. Drew, I loved your book, Cracked.

1:16:23 Drew Oh, thanks, Kaylin.

1:16:24 Yeah, I liked-

1:16:25 Adam Bill Maher smoked it, actually. Told me he liked it, but he had to smoke it. You're 17, what's up?

1:16:31 Caller Yeah, I've recently found out both my parents smoke pot, and they don't really know how to handle it, like what I do.

1:16:40 Adam They smoke a pot every day?

1:16:41 Caller Yeah, pretty much.

1:16:43 Drew What do you mean, don't know how to handle it? What's happening?

1:16:46 Caller Well, I just, I don't know what to do. Like, I've tried, I've talked to them about it, and like they say they're gonna stop, but they don't.

1:16:53 Drew Yeah, you can't change them, and you're not their parent. So what is it you're looking for? What's the feeling that you're looking for a direction upon? They're not gonna change.

1:17:05 Caller Yeah, I don't want them to lie to me about it.

1:17:07 Adam Well, how'd you, how'd you, how'd you catch them?

1:17:10 Caller I walked into my dad's when he was smoking.

1:17:13 Drew All right, the only thing you can do, if you're interested, you can get something, things to help yourself. You can take care of yourself by going to Al-Nad or getting a therapist, that sort of thing, to learn to deal with parents who aren't addicted.

1:17:27 Adam How's your dad doing?

1:17:30 Caller He's okay.

1:17:32 Adam Does he have a job?

1:17:35 Caller Like they haven't been doing it their whole life. They just recently started up again.

1:17:38 Drew So they say.

1:17:40 Adam Do they, do they provide a good home for you?

1:17:43 Caller Yeah, they do.

1:17:45 Adam What's your dad do for a living?

1:17:46 Caller He's in computers.

1:17:50 Adam And he makes okay money and your mom's good and they buy, you know, do you have a decent house? Is there food in the refrigerator?

1:17:57 Caller Yeah.

1:17:57 Drew Are you going off to college in a year or so?

1:18:00 Caller Yeah, I am.

1:18:01 Drew Where are you going?

1:18:02 Caller Probably the University of Arkansas.

1:18:04 Drew Razorback.

1:18:06 Adam Here's the thing, Caitlin.

1:18:07 Drew That huge Jumbotron at the University of Arkansas, the biggest in the world.

1:18:10 Adam Oh, really?

1:18:11 Drew It's so big, they had to shut it down because it interfered with air traffic. The radiation from it is huge.

1:18:17 Adam Hey, Caitlin. Yeah. How do you know so much?

1:18:20 Drew I've spoke there.

1:18:21 Adam All right, well, quiet down, don't speak here. Just speak in Arkansas. That's our new rule. All right, here's the thing. Caitlin, you're not going to stop them. I agree with Drew. You sound depressed. I don't think it's just over this. Your parents are successful or at least successful enough to provide a home and put food on the table and send you off to college one of these days. Focus on your friends, focus on you not smoking pot, focus on getting your grades up, focus on going to school next year and all that good stuff. And don't sit home and sulk over your parents doing this. You're not going to get them to stop. And if they're being, look, here's what I'm saying. I don't want to condemn the parents. If the dad goes to work and he puts in a good day and he comes home and tokes out a little reefer and he puts food on the table, so be it.

1:19:05 Drew But they're not the perfect humans you thought they were. I know you idealize them. You do settle depressed. Again, therapist, Al-Anon, 12-step could help you. If nothing else, go away to college, take advantage of the mental health services at the University of Arkansas when you get there.

1:19:20 Adam Good times, and go backs. Razor backs, backpack, backpacks. Lauren? Yes, hi. There should be a team called the Fanny Packs. Could there be a gayer name for like a football team?

1:19:35 Drew Yes, Lord Jeff.

1:19:37 Adam East Colorado Fanny Packs. Oh yeah, Lord Jeffs, that was Drew's mascot. Well everybody, it's beautiful football season, and it's the Lord Jeffs.

1:19:48 Drew Oh, you don't understand.

1:19:49 Adam Versus the Eastern Illinois Fanny Packs. Yeah, yeah, that's bad news. Drew, what's up? Wanna talk to Lauren? All right, that's Lauren 22.

1:20:01 Caller Yes, I'm 22 and my boyfriend's 23. We have a six month old baby together. Oh boy. And we live separately. He cheated on me with someone for a while while he was in the army, broke up with me while I was pregnant, but I couldn't keep working while I was pregnant because of some health issues. So he invited me to go and live in his apartment until I could get back on my feet again.

1:20:31 Adam While he was off doing his army thing or live with him?

1:20:35 Caller Live with him.

1:20:36 Drew While he was broke, whoa, while he was broken up with you?

1:20:39 Caller Yeah, while he was broken up with me.

1:20:43 Adam While you're pregnant with his child?

1:20:47 Caller So I didn't know that he had cheated on me with this girl yet until like the first night I moved in.

1:20:52 Drew But you knew you were broken up?

1:20:54 Caller Yeah, I knew we were broken up.

1:20:55 Drew So how could it be cheating if you're broken up?

1:20:57 Adam Because they did it before they broke up.

1:20:58 Caller They did it before we broke up.

1:20:59 Drew Well, that's why you broke up.

1:21:01 Caller Yeah, we broke up for that reason, but I didn't know until that first night.

1:21:05 Drew This is why you don't get married in the early 20s. It's the kind of stuff that people like 20s do.

1:21:08 Adam What do you mean you broke up for that reason, but you didn't know? He broke it off because he found somebody else.

1:21:13 Drew And she didn't know that's why he broke it off.

1:21:15 Caller All right, go ahead, Lauren.

1:21:17 Caller So that first night that I was there, we had this big, cheerful reunion and he wanted to get back together with me. I found out about the woman and found out that she had planned to move several hundred miles to be near him.

1:21:30 Adam She had?

1:21:32 Caller He called her, told her what was up.

1:21:34 Adam Oh, really? He had just a tell-all, tearful reunion where he told you about the other girl.

1:21:41 Caller No, his friend ratted him out and I can see that.

1:21:44 Drew No, coming into focus.

1:21:45 Adam All right, hold on a second. Yes.

1:21:47 Drew Yeah, there we go.

1:21:48 Adam Coming into a very...

1:21:50 Drew Yeah, we're like, what? He told you the truth in some sort of heartfelt...

1:21:58 Adam Didn't sound like a 22-year-old army jarhead. No, turns out Buddy ratted him out. Probably trying to get in her pants.

1:22:05 Drew Absolutely, of course.

1:22:06 Adam Right. All right, hold on a second, Lauren. We got to take a break. We'll find out. Now, she's pregnant. She's with this guy. She busted him for cheating. Got ratted out. Drew, how much money do guys spend trying to get chicks? Yes. Cars? Everything. Condoms? Everything. Hair plugs? All they need is a max deodorant body spray. And a billion dollars.

1:23:05 Drew What's really going on, huh, Drew?

1:23:05 Adam I don't know.

1:23:06 Drew Well, I'll tell you what it is. We're going to get it on.

1:23:06 Adam What it is. We're going to get it on. Let's get it on. I was in Pebble Beach this weekend and Shaft Marathon.

1:23:07 Caller TNN.

1:23:07 Adam Why is that? That's very funny. And you realize that some of these movies, these iconic movies from the 70s, really horrible. Just crap like everything that came out of the 70s. Not only bad writing and bad scripts and all that good stuff, bad acting, bad everything, but just bad editing, bad sound.

1:23:24 Horrible.

1:23:25 Drew Yeah. Somehow tonight.

1:23:26 Adam And the song.

1:23:29 Drew Shut your mouth.

1:23:30 Yeah.

1:23:32 Adam No, it's like he's a complicated man, but no one. Now, at the very beginning of the song, the guy's like goes, Who's the private dick?

1:23:42 Caller Who's the sex machine to all the chicks?

1:23:44 Adam Shepp. Can you dig it? You know, and then 10 seconds later he goes, He's a complicated man, but no one understands him, but it's woman. And it's like, well, wait a minute. Does no one understand him, but his woman or is he a sex machine to all the chicks? And I realized, well, he's both. He goes out and bangs everybody and then goes home and his woman understands him.

1:24:07 Drew Right.

1:24:07 Adam And also understands she can't change the man. Fish got to swim.

1:24:10 Drew He's a rambling man.

1:24:12 Adam The black guys don't ramble.

1:24:13 Drew That's right.

1:24:14 Adam They just get people pregnant and leave. They get people pregnant and they go to like Detroit or Chicago, but they don't ramble. White guys ramble. Not because we want to, but because we have to.

1:24:24 Drew He's a rolling stone.

1:24:27 Adam Yeah, Papa was a rolling stone.

1:24:29 Drew Yeah.

1:24:29 Adam Still almost a little whitey in there. Black guys move on. Oh, they boogie. They got a boogie.

1:24:35 Drew But here's the deal.

1:24:36 Adam Black guys got a boogie. White guys have to ramble.

1:24:39 Drew Boogie on. Yeah, somehow tonight you've thrown me back into the emotions of The Seven.

1:24:43 Adam Yeah, it makes you very sad.

1:24:45 Drew Yeah, no, no, no, no. It's not sadness, it's dread. Dread. It was a horrible decade. I didn't think that was a fun time.

1:24:53 Adam He's a sex machine to all the chicks and no one understands him, but it's lighty.

1:24:57 Drew Whatever is wrong with our society now is a result of the seventies.

1:25:01 Adam You want to get depressed, go watch a movie that's shot in New York in like 1972. And I'll show you depressed, just a decaying city.

1:25:10 Caller Everything decaying.

1:25:12 Adam Everything decaying.

1:25:13 Drew That's what we were trying to get work.

1:25:14 Adam Yeah, no, no, I wasn't trying to get work.

1:25:17 Drew Why?

1:25:17 Adam I was trying to, I was hoping my NAD would drop. But listen, here's the thing. This is the doom and gloom thing, because when you watch these, go watch one of these movies from the 70s, everything was decaying, they're falling apart. So people did the math. Well, they went, well, stuff's falling apart now, and it's 1974.

1:25:35 Drew By 84.

1:25:37 Adam By, imagine year 2000. It's gonna be a smoking rubble. It's just gonna be rubble.

1:25:45 Drew There was not even a sense that there, I mean, there was no future.

1:25:47 Adam There won't be anything. You'll be living underground. We won't be here.

1:25:49 Drew Right, that's right.

1:25:50 Adam No, no one thought, well, hey, maybe if we get our ass together, we can just fix things up. We can actually rebuild stuff, make it nice.

1:25:57 Drew No, it was all about things could be worse, the next generation, how are we gonna deal with the shrinkage.

1:26:01 Adam That's right, the man. Lauren? So anyway, so 22.

1:26:05 Drew You're pregnant, your boyfriend's had a reunion, he's called off the other chick. What's the deal? What's the question?

1:26:10 Adam You moved in, are you living with him now? What's the deal?

1:26:12 Caller No, no, no, actually I live with my dad, and he lives in his place still. And they stayed friends. And I got angry with him.

1:26:22 Adam They meaning this person they had the relationship with.

1:26:24 Caller Yeah, the girl that he had the relationship with. Well, they stayed friends and I got mad with him and we kind of had a break up for about a week. And now she's pregnant.

1:26:41 Drew Oh, this guy's great.

1:26:42 Adam This guy needs his words to hit with a fungal bat.

1:26:49 Caller He told me what had happened.

1:26:51 Drew So what's the question?

1:26:53 Adam And by the way, look, you coming clean after doing something horrible and being pressed and caught dead to rights. I said, you know, people look at this as admirable. It's like, well, what he did is bang this other chick and he got her pregnant too and he got me pregnant. And then I found out about, cause one of his friends told him, but he did, he was open, he was honest about it. Yeah, you caught him.

1:27:14 Drew The fact that people are open and honest should be matter of fact. The fact that people deny things they've actually done is really unbelievable, but okay. So he's honest, good. He gets a little credit for that.

1:27:25 Adam He's honest when he gets caught.

1:27:26 Drew Yeah, that's all right. But the scary thing is that people don't even expect people to be honest then. That's unbelievable, but okay. So he gets a little brownie point for that that does not relinquish him of the responsibility for bringing an ass.

1:27:37 Adam Well, he's a complicated man, but no one understands him. But it's the lady.

1:27:42 Drew So what's the question?

1:27:44 Caller My guy is a cheater. My question is, I'm kind of excited about this baby. We're back together now.

1:27:51 Drew Your current baby, your baby.

1:27:54 Caller No, his new baby. Well, I'm excited about my baby, too. Yeah, the other girl's baby.

1:27:58 Drew You're excited about it?

1:28:00 Caller Well, it took me a couple weeks to come down, but I'm actually kind of excited about it, and everybody thinks that that's insane, but.

1:28:08 Adam Well, hold on a second, yeah.

1:28:10 Drew You want what?

1:28:11 Caller My son's gonna have a little sister. I just, I don't want to fight.

1:28:18 Adam You're very mature. We don't trust it, but what is she gonna do? Who's gonna raise the kid?

1:28:24 Caller She's gonna raise the kid.

1:28:28 Drew This is primitive man. This is primitive man. This is the alpha male with his little harem, right? And Lauren wants to be a part of that.

1:28:34 Adam She's gonna raise the kid, and what are you gonna do?

1:28:38 Caller I don't know how my relationship with him will progress, but we've been-

1:28:43 Drew This is very primitive. Very primitive.

1:28:45 Adam Well, I don't understand what you're excited about if your-

1:28:49 Drew Big part of a harem.

1:28:50 Adam Boyfriend nailed somebody else and got them pregnant, and now she's gonna see that kid through to full term. And what are you gonna do? What's your role gonna be?

1:29:02 Drew Lead wife, lead wife.

1:29:04 Adam You'll be number one?

1:29:05 Drew Number one wife.

1:29:06 Caller I could be that.

1:29:07 Drew See what I'm saying?

1:29:09 Adam Well, what is your plan? I mean, I understand. Why do you have to be a part of the new kid's life?

1:29:15 Caller I guess I always grew up with step parents.

1:29:20 Adam Oh, no kidding.

1:29:23 Caller Yeah, actually the man that I'm living with now is not my father. He's my ex-stepfather. I wasn't raised.

1:29:31 Drew Raped you or raised you? Raised.

1:29:34 Adam Raised me. Okay, okay, Lauren, look, this is what we call Cluster F in the business.

1:29:42 Drew But yeah, listen, Adam, let's stand back and be a little bit.

1:29:45 Adam You take care of your kid.

1:29:47 Drew Here's the deal.

1:29:47 Adam I don't trust this guy. I don't like this guy.

1:29:50 Drew In ancient Egypt and parts of Utah. And nomadic tribes in the Mesopotamian region at one time. These things work, so there's a primitive aspect of a human being that can tolerate this. Not what we call healthy.

1:30:03 Adam It's a disaster. Look, stop, stop. You're keeping a stiff upper lip. I appreciate it, but the wheels are gonna come off this wagon soon.

1:30:10 Drew Because of him.

1:30:11 Adam Here's what you need to do. I don't trust him. I don't like him. And he's not given me any cause to think anything else about it. You need to focus on the kid you have right now and try not to raise them in the same Cuisinart you got raised in. And no more goddamn kids. Do you understand me?

1:30:28 Caller I actually, I don't want any more children.

1:30:31 Adam I know you don't want any, but that means you're only gonna have seven. No more.

1:30:36 Drew And the fact is you can't tolerate intimacy. You need to have a capacity for intimacy from somebody who's actually available and not a rolling stone.

1:30:43 Adam Don't screw up the one you have and see if you can keep him out of jail before he turns 15. And this guy, don't expect anything out of him. Please no more sex with him. All right, we'll be back after this.

1:30:54 Caller All right guys, bottom line, here's the deal.

1:30:56 Caller Looking to hook up?

1:30:57 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:30:59 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:31:01 Caller Call the dateline.

1:31:02 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:31:08 Caller Love Line with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:31:10 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:31:16 Caller This hour brought you apart by acts.

1:31:18 Drew Experience the acts effect.

1:31:32 Adam Well, there you go, two fabulous hours of the best of Loveline. So, until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:31:43 Uh, turkey sat on the backyard fence on Thanksgiving Day, and as he sat on the backyard fence, this is what he'd say, oh, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, I don't like Thanksgiving Day, hey, hey, hey, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, I would like to run away.

1:31:59 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment. Yeah.

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Thursday, November 25, 2004