Episode 1000661409434

0:58 Voiceover Love Line is meant for an adult audience.

1:17 This is Love Line.

1:19 Adam With Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. Hey everybody, it's Love Line. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Yeah, big Thanksgiving Eve show. Man, I love that Thanksgiving.

1:38 Drew Yeah, me too. I was on here in K-Rock with Nicole before we went on the air, and she was taking inventories and things she was thankful for. Doesn't seem like this year people are a little more sort of thankful or taking note or more festive.

1:52 Adam Have you seen that way? Maybe. Well, whenever, I don't know, whenever there's a... First off, I think we say that every year.

2:00 Drew No, I've never said that.

2:03 I don't remember saying that anyway.

2:04 Adam All right, and then secondly, I don't know, wartime, election.

2:08 Drew That's what I think. Right, that's what I think. It just feels very like we've been through a stressful, scary time, and people are thankful for having health and their family being together.

2:17 Oh, thank you very much.

2:18 Drew The basic things are suddenly being made note of, I think.

2:22 Adam When do you, by the way, as a human being, when does Thanksgiving overtake Christmas? And then, what, you have kids and it goes back again?

2:33 Drew College.

2:33 Adam Forget kids for a second. Take them out of the equation. When does Thanksgiving overtake college, you say? 1920? Why?

2:44 Drew Because you're not being taken care of by anyone anymore. You wouldn't dare accept, you know, look forward to gifts from people who are...

2:51 Adam Well, you didn't have any money.

2:53 Drew But on the other hand, well, they wouldn't give you any gifts anyway, but on the other hand, you're looking forward to sort of seeing people.

2:58 Adam Yeah.

2:58 Drew Having an excuse to gather with people and get a break.

3:00 Adam Right.

3:01 Drew And the Christmas break was often not about Christmas. It was sort of more about January. College Christmas breaks go like three, four weeks sometimes.

3:07 Adam All right. Well, college, so college aside, you'd say about 18 or 19.

3:13 Drew Or you're going to work and who the hell is going to give you a gift then anyway?

3:15 Adam Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I was talking to someone about that today, which is you start looking forward to the food. The food and the relaxation. And the fellowship. And a little less of the buying someone a crappy, you know, fruit basket or something. And then if you're a Corolla, you're ready. The whole present thing is woof.

3:35 Drew I was so. Way, way down the road. I was showering this morning thinking to myself, I got to stop by Adam's house on Thanksgiving Eve just to behold.

3:42 Adam Yeah.

3:43 Drew Just to take in the Corolla affair.

3:45 Adam Come on down, buddy.

3:46 Drew I want to just taste it.

3:49 Adam You'll have a nice laugh. My dad introduces himself to you. I swear you two had never met.

3:55 Drew But finally it's going to be on your territory though.

3:57 Adam Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be awesome. I just got to, you know, I'm going to light off a concussion grenade at eight o'clock straight up. Get everyone the hell out of there. Let's go. I got to get drunk.

4:10 Drew I got decompressed. What time is it starting?

4:11 Adam I got to talk to Lou. I got to talk to my wife for four hours about what a-holes we are. We got to get you out of here. Oh, you're poor. Let's go. Let's go. No, none of my...

4:18 Drew Does your wife, by the way, appreciate that I take some of that off of her?

4:21 Adam Not... No, she doesn't know. She doesn't care. None of... I'm not going to have a lot of my blood family there. I'm going to have a fair amount of like in-law step family there.

4:31 Drew Oh, they're nice.

4:32 Adam Yeah. Oh, no. They're regular. No, they're...

4:34 Drew They'll appreciate what you have to offer.

4:35 Adam Oh, they're good. They're regular people.

4:37 Drew But your sister...

4:37 Adam They're not Corolla.

4:38 Drew Your sister will be there.

4:39 Adam Your sister will be there. She's fine. My dad.

4:41 Mom.

4:42 Adam Nope.

4:42 What?

4:45 Adam No, my mom travels every year.

4:49 What?

4:50 Adam Oh, yeah.

4:51 It's a piece of the Corolla story.

4:52 Adam My grandmother goes and hangs out with the Jews in like Oceanside every year. And my mom traveled. I haven't seen my mom on Thanksgiving for 25 years. And same with my grandma. I've never seen her. Everyone goes... Well, here's the whole thing. Speaking of Thanksgiving, my parents got divorced when I was about seven or eight. And because they're such idiots, they couldn't actually stomach seeing each other. They couldn't physically see each other or be in the same proximity of each other, which is bizarre because it's sort of like saying a piece of driftwood and a sternal log can't sit in the same basket together. Like, my dad, I haven't even, the guy's strung together a sentence in 22 years. He can't be around my mom who won't get out of the room and stop yelling freak out. Are you kidding?

5:43 Drew But Thanksgiving became your dad's holiday.

5:46 Adam Yeah, it just started because he remarried and he married someone who was sort of their sane or human. My family is sort of unhuman. And so they had like turkeys and they did normal things. People put sweaters on and ate cranberries like humans might.

6:02 But they ate the cut cranberry sauce, the Jell-O, you know?

6:07 Drew That's humanoid, humanoid. They were humanoid.

6:09 Adam Yeah. And then a couple of years back, I got PO'd when I decided that I had an ass full of the honey baked ham and I wanted some turkey and I went to Gelson's about 4.30 in the afternoon, went down to the deli part and came home with a turkey breast in the middle of the dinner. Because by the way, you got to sound off when you're not having turkey. You know, I got to, I got to, you got to fly the no turkey flag. Like you don't say, yeah, come on over for Thanksgiving. And then you arrive and like, yeah, we're going ham. I've been, I've been prepping for turkey for like four days now. Oh, I'm on like a dark meat binder. You understand? I need, I need dark meat. And they're like, oh yeah, we want with the honey baked. All right. I'm good. I'll be right back. I'll be back in 20 minutes and I might pick up some cranberry while I'm gone too. So yeah. So anyway, I've never, I've never spent Thanksgiving with my mom, my grandma, just my dad. But then it's the step family. My sister come around, bring the nephews.

7:07 Drew She's coming to us.

7:07 Adam Oh yeah. Love those nephews. You know why? Children, so innocent. So they've done nothing. They get the good stuff. The rest. I got some, got a little, Sam's got something in his sack for the rest of the family. Yeah. I love my nephews.

7:24 Drew Yeah.

7:25 Adam No, I mean, I really love them. I like that sex. You missed my point.

7:29 Drew You just don't make sure they don't break into the bunker and make sure the lockdown is in effect.

7:34 Adam No.

7:34 Drew The laser, the laser.

7:35 Adam Don't worry.

7:36 Drew Security.

7:36 Adam Don't worry.

7:37 Drew The facial, the retinal scans and all that.

7:39 Adam They'll not get into the porn department.

7:41 Drew And by the way, by the time those guys are 14, they're going to be wearing a little latex thumb print.

7:47 Adam My nephews?

7:48 Drew Yeah. They're going to be taking, they're going to be handling your utensils, getting a print out and rolling it into the.

7:53 Adam Those guys, my nephews, first off, they have an uncle who's literally a millionaire.

7:58 Drew Literally.

7:58 Adam I'm going to buy them cars. You're having a good time. My uncle like lived at home in Philadelphia with his 80 year old mom. I don't think, I don't think my uncle had a car, let's put it that way. Everyone needs an uncle that's got a little something going. You know what I mean? A little horsepower, a little something, a little something. You know what I mean?

8:19 Drew Well, it's good. You're a sister.

8:20 Adam You got a connection. You know what you need? Everyone needs like an uncle that owns a restaurant or something like that, you know, a little something into something, into some cars, got a little something going on, got like a workshop or something, a little something.

8:33 Strangely, you got all that.

8:34 Adam Oh, well.

8:35 Drew You got a workshop, you got a car, you got a restaurant.

8:38 Adam Oh my God.

8:39 Drew Those kids are doomed.

8:40 Adam Those kids. Doomed. Just don't, they just can't cross me. That's all.

8:46 Yes?

8:47 Adam You're 19?

8:48 Caller Yes.

8:49 Adam What's up?

8:52 I'm 19 and I'm dating this guy. He's 25 years old.

8:56 Caller We've been together for like a year.

8:57 I was on the Debra Vera shot.

9:01 I don't know if you know what that is, but it's broken.

9:04 Adam Let me say this one thing. People must think, like, boy, I've heard Adam calls dad a pussy like 400 times on the radio. I've heard him say horrible things about his mom. Where must they live that they don't have radios? I mean, this, can you imagine the way he was on this kid calls his dad a pussy and then is going to see him, you know, in 17 hours at Thanksgiving? This is part of the reason I'm free to speak about my family is no one's ever heard this radio show. I've never heard it. I mean, there's no, there's no way there's no, there's no circumstances under which any family member would ever listen to this radio show. Or I'll put a finer point on it. They've been up later than 9 15 in the evening.

9:42 Drew And would they hear something, their friends tell them stuff once in a while, your grandmother anyway.

9:45 Adam That's it. Well, that, yeah, my grandma, my, my, the beauty of my mom, my dad's, they have no friends.

9:50 Drew Oh, good.

9:50 Adam And there's nothing.

9:51 Caller Oh, good.

9:52 Adam I listen, let's put it this way, uh, Drew, you could, uh, we could do a whole scenario where you said, uh, Adam's had a seizure. He swallowed his wallet. Chris, uh, get the, uh, call 9 1 1, which correct case, uh, Chris would, uh, probably kibitz with some, uh, carts for a little while.

10:09 Caller Just stage of death, just stage of death.

10:11 Adam And then eventually go call, call 9 1 1, he's probably say after the next break.

10:15 Caller Right, right.

10:16 Adam Stage of all death, it could all, it could all go down on the radio, they wouldn't, they'd be fine.

10:20 Caller Yeah.

10:20 Adam I don't know, let me tell you, it's liberating. It really is.

10:23 Drew Nice.

10:23 Adam We're talking to Melanie?

10:24 Drew It's Melanie. Melanie. Melanie.

10:26 Adam See, Drew's wife listens to the show and that's tough.

10:30 Drew Is listening a fair description?

10:32 Adam She monitors. She monitors the show. She, she, she, that's right. She monitors the show and although...

10:40 Drew She, by the way, I'll remind you, has been a Corolla fan for a little while now.

10:43 Adam She's been, she's been a good woman.

10:44 Drew She's been, yeah, that's right.

10:45 Adam Now, I, I am saying, I'm saying this. There are many things that you could say that could be misconstrued and it could hurt feelings and especially when your feelings are, are delicate, like on your wife and many, many wives and parents and moms and things like that. So the point is, is you do have to pussy foot a little bit, not enough to lie, but you just, you know, just to preserve people's feelings. Yeah, to preserve people's feelings, but when you're a Corolla, you have to worry about it.

11:12 Drew Melanie.

11:13 Caller Yeah.

11:14 Drew Obviously, we know what Depo Provera is, please. So go ahead. What about Depro?

11:18 Caller Okay. Anyway, I was on Depo Provera and it made me feel, it made me feel real sick.

11:22 Caller So I started taking the, or you.

11:26 Drew Oh, this is great. Melanie.

11:28 Caller All right. All right.

11:31 Adam Let's keep on keeping on. Enzo.

11:34 Yo.

11:35 Adam Yo, what's happening? Is your dad a big Ferrari fan?

11:38 No, actually, yeah.

11:40 Adam There you go.

11:40 Caller What kind of Ferrari are you talking about?

11:42 Drew The Enzo.

11:43 Adam Well. All right. What's up, Enzo?

11:48 I wanted to know what's the recipe for your cranberry sauce?

11:51 Drew Listen to Last Night Show.

11:54 Adam Engineer Anderson, who I can never tell if is being heard on the air or not, said listen to Last Night Show, but he's calling from Phoenix, so we missed Last Night Show.

12:04 Drew Yes, Drew?

12:08 Caller Uh-uh.

12:08 Drew Yes. If he didn't listen, he would have missed it.

12:10 Caller Correct.

12:10 Adam That's right. So listen, Enzo, I am going to give you the cranberry recipe. One sack, 12-ounce sack of loose cranberries.

12:21 Drew 12-ounce?

12:22 Adam 12-ounce.

12:22 Drew That's what's in there.

12:23 Adam Fresh, fresh, loose cranberries.

12:26 Drew Organic.

12:28 Adam Yeah, they don't have to be organic.

12:29 Drew Just raw.

12:30 Adam Yeah. So they got to watch out for those pesticides, Drew, you ever feel tired when you get up in the morning?

12:35 Drew Yeah, strangely enough.

12:36 Adam Yeah, you know what goes on?

12:37 Drew What happens?

12:37 Adam Toxins build up in your body.

12:39 Drew Oh, tell me more.

12:40 Adam Yeah, let me give you an enema. It frees you up. It makes you feel better. Do you understand? Drew, let me explain something. Your body is like a sponge.

12:48 Drew Really?

12:49 Adam Okay? And what you put in your body.

12:51 Drew What's a sponge like?

12:52 Adam Well, I'll tell you, what a sponge does is gathers things and hangs on to it, okay. And we live in a toxic environment. The air, you ever see there? The water you drink, toxic. Okay. The meat is very toxic.

13:06 Drew So it's toxic. It must be full of toxins.

13:08 Adam It's full of toxins.

13:09 Drew Toxins must be toxic.

13:10 Adam It's toxic.

13:11 Drew They must be. They must be.

13:12 Adam So what happens?

13:13 Drew Same word, right? Must be the same thing.

13:14 Adam You eat all that stuff and you pass the stuff that's not bad, but the toxic stuff stays in you. It builds up.

13:21 Drew I get a mucus shunt in my bow.

13:23 Adam Yes. Shunt in your bow. You ever see like an old pipe, like 50-year-old sewage pipe, and there's all that plaque and stuff built up? That's right. You ever feel tired in the morning? You ever feel like you want to take a nap about 3 in the afternoon? You ever feel like you can't find the right word or focus? Okay, that's toxins. Okay, now hold on. We have to flush those toxins out. Like a car radiator, you have to flush it out every once in a while, okay? So what I'm going to need you to do is bend over, okay? Right now for me. Could you go ahead and, okay, how about the...

13:55 Drew Don't look at me.

13:56 Adam How about the highway patrolman who does enemas? So it's like, okay, what I need you for me right now is to go ahead and drop your trousers, okay, right now. And what I'm going to need you to do is I'm going to have to you at this point, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and drop your underpants right now and go ahead and spread the brown cheekies right now, okay, for me right now. That's what I need you to do. Then I'm going to go ahead and put some water soluble lube on this prod. I'm going to go ahead and force up your rectum, okay, right now. I think if a guy did enema, it would be because a highway patrolman during the day, enema administer at night, I think that's what it would sound like. Yes? Yes. So Drew, but you do, you feel toxins built up in your body? That's toxins. You got to get enema. You feel so much better. You feel so much better. All right.

14:47 Drew Can't wait.

14:48 Adam Then I'm going to need you to fast. And I'm going to need you to just drink this stream water with just a little bit of cayenne pepper and some molasses in it. All right? Flushing. You got to flush.

14:58 Drew The toxins will be... The toxins, the toxic will come out of it.

15:02 Adam Detoxify. You know how sometimes you eat a huge meal and you feel like taking a nap? Those are the toxins. That's red meat. I can feel. What I'll do, when I eat some red meat, initially I'll spike. I'll go up. I'll go up.

15:15 Then I'll start to bottom out.

15:16 Adam I'll start to bottom out. That's the red meat. Are you bottoming out? I'm tired. Yeah. I get a white sugar bottom out too. First I ride the hot, then I bottom out. I'd love to take these nut jobs and not tell them what they ate. Somehow just force them in.

15:28 Drew They've done it. Those studies have been done.

15:29 Adam Of course. They would know the difference between god damn carrot puree and a big mac up their ass.

15:34 Drew The things that kills me more than anything is that because they've never studied biochemistry, because they've never studied physiology, because they don't understand how complex it is, they don't even have the faintest idea about what the term toxin would be, were it to be poisonous to the system, what that would have to be, how it works, how the body takes care of those things.

15:52 Adam First off, they don't think anyone dies of cancer, by the way, without living in a love canal or working over at the union.

15:59 Drew Well, they don't have cancer because the doctor gives them those poisonous medicines and that makes them die.

16:02 Adam Yeah, it's the environment. The environment poisons you. And then somehow the people that never get cancer, the environment missed them or how does that work?

16:09 Drew And when you die at 90, what do you die of?

16:13 Adam Well, the man, toxins build up, your dune buggy flips over. That's a Jeff Ross joke. Here's my point. Do you realize, you know, there's like how there's 70% of society that like believes in ghosts and 40% believes in fairies and 30% believes Elvis is still alive. 90% believes your body stores toxins. I really do mean that.

16:37 Drew Yes, yes, but any of them, what a toxin is.

16:40 Adam And believe that you need to flush the toxins out for once in a while.

16:45 Drew That's such a primitive, bizarre concept.

16:47 Adam It's first of all, your colon. I work with people that are Ivy League educated who buy internet crap.

16:54 Drew They never studied science. The colon is outside the body. That's like flushing your skin. It's flushing your skin. If you had a piece of Duke on your hand and you washed it off, that's what you've just done when you cleanse your colon.

17:07 Adam I'm not talking about coincidence.

17:09 Drew I don't mean on your nails. I mean on your palm.

17:11 Adam All right. All right. But you do sometimes wake up in the morning and feel like you'd like to sleep for another 20 minutes? Toxins. Toxins. Chris gets up at 11.30. That's right. That's why he gets up so late. You'd be doing calisthenics at 6 o'clock if your body wasn't riddled with toxins.

17:29 Drew In the morning?

17:30 Adam That's right, buddy. I know because you go to bed at 5.30 after pulling off a hand trick. If your mom knew what you were doing just now, she'd cry her eyes out. Such a hard-working, proud woman, too.

17:43 Drew Let's talk to Enzo. Enzo.

17:45 Caller You see what you triggered there, buddy?

17:48 Drew You awake?

17:48 Adam You got me going.

17:49 Drew All right, so the cranberry recipe.

17:51 Adam Yeah, you got me going. One sack of cranberries. Now look, the sack of cranberries will tell you to put in one whole cup of sugar, but don't do it. A little too sweet. Two thirds.

18:04 Drew How about the Splenda? Can you use a little Splenda in there?

18:07 Adam Wow.

18:07 Drew What an idea, huh?

18:08 Adam Now you're thinking. Yeah, but then that's going to be tough to calculate. If you're going to do that.

18:13 Drew Do an experiment, please. I would love to know you.

18:17 Adam A little Splenda. A little Splenda.

18:18 Drew It would be awesome.

18:19 Adam If it's true.

18:20 Drew I love Splenda.

18:20 Adam Yeah, but it's made from chemicals, and those chemicals build up in your body, and they cause a plaque, and then what ends up happening is you get cancer. Toxins. Toxins go in your body.

18:30 Drew Toxin, the bomb.

18:32 Adam Yeah. You know how sometimes you're trying to think of something like you were like, oh, I was going to say something that I forgot? Splenda. One cup of water.

18:42 Drew One bag of fresh cranberries.

18:45 Adam Boil up that water with that sugar and a little Splenda in there, if you want to do like Drew, and then put the thing, and then lower the flame, put the lid on the pot. Get yourself some beautiful cranberry relish.

18:56 Drew Sit for about 10 minutes.

18:57 Adam Yeah, just let it stew there for really five minutes.

19:00 Drew Done.

19:01 Adam It's done. It's done. And Enzo, I'll tell you the other thing too. Because everyone in this country is such an idiot, and they go for the can opener immediately, when you make this thing, you are the belle of the ball. People are like, oh my goodness. And they're like, out of the way with the cr- out of the way with the stuffing and the turkey and the green beans. Look at this. Somebody made some beautiful cranberry. It seems so complicated and so involved. You get huge credit for really something that's next to nothing.

19:30 Drew Yes, perfect.

19:31 Adam All right. Let's talk to, Jimmy gave me a pillowcase size sack of cranberries this year.

19:40 Drew Just measure one for one, water?

19:43 Adam Did the math for the old lady, had her cook it up, you know what I'm saying?

19:46 Drew But it's basically a couple cranberry, a couple water, a couple sugar. It's one to one to one.

19:50 Adam Per 12 ounces, but Jimmy brought me a sack that had to use a pallet jack to get this thing into my house.

19:57 Drew Nice.

19:58 Adam Yeah. I mean, it's big.

20:00 Drew There was so effing tired of hearing you talking about cranberries, I want to shut you up.

20:04 Adam No, because I'm a dear friend. That's why. No, because Jimmy shops at the Costco or the Price Club or whatever it is, stuff doesn't come any smaller. You know, you have your choice between getting a 700 pound sack of cranberries or one cranberry that's 550 pounds that you can actually roll out of your car.

20:25 Drew I've rolled out that cranberry once in a while.

20:26 Adam All right. Let's talk to Miranda. Miranda. 24. Hold on. And here, Chris, what do you do? What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

20:38 I'm going to hang out with my family.

20:39 Drew Which one? Which part?

20:40 Caller They're together?

20:42 Drew Separate?

20:42 Caller No.

20:42 Drew My mom's family.

20:43 Caller Mom?

20:44 Adam Yeah. They do the cranberries? They do fresh cranberries?

20:47 Caller Yeah.

20:48 Adam They do? No.

20:49 Drew They do flan?

20:50 Adam They do?

20:50 Drew They do everything.

20:51 Adam Flan?

20:52 Drew Flan?

20:53 Adam No.

20:53 Drew Oh, Italian. She's the Italian.

20:54 Adam She's Italian? Dad's Mexican. Mom's Italian?

20:57 Drew How can it be a Mexican Thanksgiving?

21:00 Adam I guess you do it at like one in the afternoon, then you get drunk and you fall asleep, and that's how you do a Mexican Thanksgiving.

21:06 Drew Lots of coronas.

21:07 Adam You take some shots.

21:08 Drew Your mom's Italian, though, right?

21:09 Yes.

21:10 Adam She can cook the cranberries, right?

21:12 Yeah.

21:13 Adam You do the turkey. Either her or my aunt. You do the turkey. You don't do the ham? Turkey, definitely. Turkey, yeah. Good. Good for you. Yeah. I got some more tips. More Thanksgiving? I got more Thanksgiving tips. We got to keep going, but just remind me.

21:28 Drew Oh, yeah.

21:29 Adam Miranda?

21:29 Drew I will.

21:30 Adam What's up?

21:33 I had a second trimester abortion, and after I have my period now...

21:37 Adam Hold on. That was plaque.

21:39 Drew Plaque, building up our uterus.

21:40 Yeah, I know.

21:43 Adam That's what happens.

21:43 Drew Well done, Miranda. Well done.

21:45 Adam I know.

21:46 So, go ahead.

21:47 Drew But now, an abortion question. Might the Chief Thunder Bear be useful in this, wait until after the break?

21:51 Adam It's pretty sensitive. I can go get him.

21:53 Drew He might have... I know he feels very strongly about abortions. He's not...

21:58 Adam He's pro-papoose.

21:59 Drew He's pro-papoose, and we might have to wade through some of that, but...

22:02 Adam All right, let me get him.

22:03 Drew You want to go after the break?

22:05 Adam He gets... he's been leaving earlier. He gets angry. I saw him... He actually shot a flaming arrow at the Tetris machine. He was playing out in the Jock Lounge. Yeah, he was angry. He's angry that Jed the Fish beat him. He cursed him. Hold on, let me go get him.

22:23 Drew All right, Miranda, we're going to get the American Indian gynecologist for you, okay? Here he comes, Chief Thunder Bear. You there, Miranda? Miranda?

22:33 Uh-oh. Chief.

22:37 Adam Pussy jettie.

22:39 Drew Chief, relax, buddy. Miranda, our caller, I believe, has hung up. She became very intimidated by your presence.

22:45 Adam In his jackey, I'm walking in that jackey, a big teddy bear.

22:48 Drew I know you like, yes, I know. You're a harmless guy, and you like women with large breasts. I know, you've said that before. Miranda? Oh, Miranda.

22:56 Adam Whoa, what in the head, jackey?

22:59 Drew I know she, you want to take another call? I know, yes, we interrupted the chat just came. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, I understand, I understand. But Chris, Chris, Chris, you know what's coming.

23:21 Oh, Chris, he's cursing you, I've never heard him.

23:28 Drew Oh, no, Chris, he's gonna, Chris, you will be stu... Oh my God, this is, Chris, he is cursing, he is cursing you. He is cursing all junior college students that they should never leave the confines of the walls of their facility.

23:41 Except to...

23:42 Adam Except to choke on stuffing.

23:44 Drew Except to play hacky sack.

23:46 Oh my God, and he's also wishing you ill tomorrow, Thanksgiving.

23:51 Drew Chief, Chief, it's Thanksgiving.

23:52 Adam Give him a few positive strokes, will you?

23:58 Drew He didn't cause the girl to hang up. We'll get another one. Let's get a gynecology question. Give me one second. We'll see what Dean is calling about here.

24:06 One second.

24:15 Drew That's a commercial from the 70s. Of course. Yeah, you're people, yes. Chief, we have one for you. This is Dina, who is 20. You are on the Loveline with Chief Thunder Bear, the American Indian gynecologist. Only Choctaw speaking. I'll try to translate for you. Dina? A hermaphrodite.

24:47 Hey, uh, hey, one, hey, OK, hold on.

24:50 Adam Chop, chop dung off with dung of heart, OK, and then take care.

24:54 Drew Chief is, first of all, saying a prayer for your soul. Yeah. Secondly, he is, has a colleague.

25:02 Caller Mm-hmm.

25:02 Drew His name? The colleague? The...

25:04 Adam Hey, Chief, Chief Nogrind.

25:06 Drew Chief, yes, Chief Nogrind, who does sex change operations or sex gender assignments.

25:13 Caller You've got, like, the best of both worlds going there.

25:16 Drew Well, what do you got? What are you talking about?

25:18 Caller I mean, well, you know, being a hermaphrodite...

25:22 Drew Well, hermaphrodites, there's really... True hermaphroditism is extremely rare. It's probably not what you're dealing with. What is the situation?

25:31 Caller Well, you know, like, it's kind of both female and male.

25:36 Drew It's somebody who has a vagina and a penis.

25:41 Adam TP and P. Spidey.

25:42 Drew TP and P. Spidey. Mm-hmm. And is it because he or she... Is it he or she? Yeah.

25:48 Caller Hey, it's both.

25:50 Drew Brave or Squaw?

25:51 Caller Brave or Squaw?

25:54 Drew It's not both.

25:54 Brave or Squaw?

25:57 Drew It's a girl with... Is this somebody who's been on steroids?

26:00 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

26:04 Drew And so it's a girl with testicles also?

26:08 Oh!

26:08 Drew Okay, Chief. Chief, I'm sorry. I beg your pardon, Chief. I know. Chris, bring me the coffee.

26:14 Adam Just eat a Pamikin and dried salmon. Now you bring up.

26:18 Caller Do you want to talk to her?

26:20 Caller Oh, yeah, hold on.

26:21 Drew Hold on. We will take a little break here. Chief's got to recoup himself. Yes, I know.

26:27 Adam Go down hallway for Twix.

26:29 Drew Yes, we'll have some recent Twix. We'll have some peace pipes. Welcome peace pipe. I'll explain to you about Dean.

26:36 Adam News and weather.

26:38 Drew Thank you, Chief.

26:39 Adam News and traffic and weather.

26:40 Drew And we'll be back with more Loveline.

26:41 Adam Hey, hey, 29, 29 after 8 o'clock.

26:46 Drew Your English is getting very good. I don't need to translate.

26:49 Adam I'm Tetris.

26:49 Drew I don't need to translate anymore. You're perfectly good. No, I have to translate. I'll throw it to commercial as you say, Chief. Okay. The number here is 1-800-LOVE-191. Adam will be back in a second. We'll finish up with Dina and her alleged himaphrodite after this. Hello.

27:11 Loveline is brought to you by Playboy. The December issue of Playboy on Newsstands Now is loaded with the College Hoops preview and the annual music poll. You might not even notice the Denise Richards pictorial.

27:48 Drew Chief, take it with one language together. I'll translate for you. The Choctaw's beautiful, poetic, musical.

27:56 Adam Yes, it is. No, no, no, check it out.

27:59 Drew No, yeah, you're not so bad yourself.

28:03 Adam No homo. Yeah, you can catch it.

28:05 Drew No, I know, well, they don't call it.

28:08 Adam Well, watch it, check it out, reach around. Hey, what can I do?

28:12 Drew I said stick with the Choctaw. Yeah, I know.

28:14 Adam Yeah, hey, no, what, hey, okay, okay, check it out.

28:16 Drew Like you could be offended.

28:17 Adam Well, hey, what can I do? Okay, let's do it, okay. Hey, Woodland Hill.

28:20 Drew I thought he was coming back here after that.

28:26 Adam You might not take it looking in mere masturbation. Okay, yes. Hey, hey.

28:34 Drew Dina? Dina.

28:37 Caller Yeah, can you get pregnant from that?

28:40 Drew Well, what do you mean hermaphrodite? If she's a female and she has female organs, yes, you can get pregnant.

28:45 Adam Knock yourself up, give self-squat.

28:49 Drew No, there's not also a penis. There's not a function of penis. There would not be a testes. You don't have ovaries and testes. So what do we got here? You do?

29:04 Adam Hold on. Hey, I want a crazy bitch. Hey, strong out on drugs.

29:11 Drew Probably, Chief, you're right. Yes, drink them, drink them fire water.

29:14 Adam Drink them fire water.

29:16 Drew Let me discuss this a little.

29:17 Eat them peyote.

29:18 Caller Yes, currently.

29:19 Drew Just before you speak, Chief, I'm gonna try to clarify for this in English. Dana. Yeah. Who are we talking about here? A friend of yours. And what is she, this company called Testicular Feminization. No. There's something called Ambiguous Genitalia. And there's some Aphroditism, but that is really rare. So what do we got here?

29:44 Caller Well, now I'm all confused.

29:46 Drew Right, obviously. How did you meet this person?

29:55 Caller Junior college, hey ho, hey ho.

29:58 Drew Chief had-

29:58 Caller Why didn't he like tell you that way?

30:01 Drew Why don't we e-mail you? No, it's not working out, Dana. However, because the Chief has picked up on a certain junior college sent here, and earlier-

30:09 Adam You send us www.kissass.com.

30:13 Drew He had earlier said a curse upon the world. It was directed towards Chris, but it got more general because he was so upset.

30:19 Adam No way, ain't no coffee.

30:21 Drew No coffee, still no coffee. And it's gonna require now that people that are in junior college will remain in junior college. It's a riot eternity.

30:29 Adam Oh, ancestors go and die and run with buffalo and still at Snack Shack, still play hacky sack. Yeah, yeah, KO on the Corolla.

30:39 Drew Thank you. Let's bring Corolla back in. You go play with Tetris, relax.

30:42 Adam They play Tetris.

30:42 Drew We'll call you in a few more minutes. Jed will be by in the morning.

31:17 Adam He's watching American TV. They don't have any chalked out. Chalked out stations.

31:21 Drew He's getting, he's like, he's a disturbing guy.

31:24 Adam He's picking up some English. I didn't hear, I was listening to Aera.

31:26 Drew Oh yeah.

31:27 Adam It's down the hole.

31:27 Drew Do you want to kill yourself now?

31:29 Adam Yeah. I heard Bad to the Bone. Play that 2,600 times a day. We need to hear that song again. Hey, is that a Bad to the Bone? How about we hear a song we never hear like Hotel California? There's one. There's a great song. Or Legs by ZZ Top. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, wouldn't you love just to hear that song? When you... Let me tell you something. If I was driving to my car and the song Hot Legs by Rod Stewart or Bad to the Bone came on or Hotel California or Witchy Woman by...

32:05 Drew Eagles.

32:05 Adam By the Eagles.

32:06 Drew Or any Eagle song.

32:07 Adam Or almost any Eagle song. And you busted the knob off of my radio.

32:11 Drew You can jump out of the car.

32:12 Adam No.

32:13 Caller Oh. Good.

32:15 Adam I was thinking I was just drive off a cliff.

32:17 Drew No, you jump out of the car. Yeah.

32:18 Adam Even if you're like, yeah, but Adam, there's only like 15 seconds of the song. Now, I'm doing it on principle. I'm gonna drive into a telephone pole. But you're right, do that thing with your roll. You know you don't see anymore? Watching TV in the 70s, about every other episode, everything you saw, someone rolled, someone did a shoulder roll out of a car. Someone jumped out of a moving car.

32:38 Drew Or a motorcycle or even an airplane, some helicopter.

32:44 Adam No one did a shoulder roll out of a helicopter.

32:46 Drew It seems like they were moving out of objects, all the time.

32:48 Adam They were jumping off of stuff, but they were rolling off of cars, constantly. Stick with me. Not an episode of anything would go by without somebody having to jump free of their car. For some reason, the brake lines were cut, something had malfunctioned. And it wouldn't matter what you were watching. The sitcoms, they'd have a community forum show called Let's Rap on Sunday morning. They'd have a chick with a huge afro which would roll out of the show while it was moving. It was nonstop jumping out of cars and then jumping on the hoods of cars.

33:19 Drew Oh yeah, sliding across the hoods kind of thing.

33:20 Adam Yes, and by the way, where are these miraculous pyramids of empty clean boxes and alleys that you could eventually be ejected into off the car hood? My guess is you'd probably hit a bum, a syringe or a sharp edge of a dumpster if you actually did ride on the hood of a car. Or just what you should hit the alley. It's 99.9 brick, cement, and asphalt. You'd probably catch one of the above. I would probably catch like a galvanized plumbing cleanout or something on the side of the building, which should impale me. But it was always right into the boxes. And by the way, or the fruit or something. What's it, I don't have a crystal ball, but if someone's trying to get away from me in a car, jumping on the hood never really ends up in them slowing down to safe stop and me coming back and arresting them. Always ends up me getting thrown into the boxes. Has it ever worked out?

34:11 Caller Yeah.

34:13 Caller Uh-uh.

34:13 Adam Why jump on the hood?

34:14 Caller I know.

34:14 Adam I don't even think it's an impulse. It would be great if you could stop them by jumping on the hood, but it never seems to work. You roll around for a while, and then you see a guy with the clear stuntman. I like when you see the wig on the guy. And he gets thrown in the boxes, and then the guy stands up, shakes his head. Are you ready to go here, Drew?

34:34 Drew We had an American Indian who wanted to speak to you about Chief Running Bear.

34:37 Adam Where is he?

34:37 Drew Well, let's see if this is him. I thought we might have lost him. Thunder Bear, I beg your pardon.

34:43 Adam What did you call him?

34:44 Drew Running Bear.

34:45 Adam I kept calling him Running Bear, too. I think he gets pissed.

34:48 Drew Well, it's a subtle translational issue.

34:51 Adam Well, what I do is I just call him Mr. Bear, and it kind of saves me. All right. So, the American Indian wanted to talk to Thunder Bear.

34:58 Drew All right.

35:00 Adam Andrew?

35:01 Caller Yes?

35:02 Adam 16?

35:03 Caller Yeah.

35:05 Adam What's up, buddy? Turn the radio down.

35:07 Turn it down.

35:09 Caller I got a question.

35:10 I've been dating a girl for about a month and a half.

35:14 Drew Slow down here, Andrew. How old are you now?

35:16 I'm 16.

35:17 Drew When was your birthday?

35:19 Caller It's March 7th, 1988.

35:23 Drew 1988.

35:25 Adam Yeah. I don't believe you've been dating anybody. You're way too squirrely.

35:33 Caller First time caller.

35:33 Drew I don't believe it's 16 either.

35:36 Adam Squirrely, buddy.

35:37 Drew I don't get 16.

35:40 Adam Yeah. You ain't 16 and you ain't dating.

35:42 Drew Or if he's dating.

35:44 Adam All right, buddy. It was a nice try. That's all right. Listen, you can't do that.

35:53 Caller No, it's guys, guys.

35:56 Drew Turn down.

35:57 Adam Yeah, but way too squirrely sounding. He's not this guy's not dating anyone, well, he might be, but he's not getting anywhere. Guys that are real, super squirrely sounding don't don't.

36:09 Drew What 14 year old doesn't sound like that? It could be a studly 14 year old dating someone.

36:15 Adam A 14 year old is getting laid doesn't sound like that at all.

36:17 Caller That's the point.

36:18 Drew He's not getting laid, but he could be seeing somebody sort of dating somebody.

36:20 Adam No, no, no, no. Tony. 23.

36:26 Caller What's up?

36:26 I was just kind of curious on what levels is self-injury like, how bad is it or how?

36:36 Drew It's a sign of severe psychiatric distress.

36:39 Adam Severe?

36:40 Drew Yeah. It means you're overwhelmed by your feelings to the point that your brain tries to find some means to handle it and a primitive means is to start to cut on yourself to try to feel.

36:57 Better. I've tried, I have a lot of anger built up just from my different things, not just girls and all that stuff, but not just one little episode, but I think my stuff is built up.

37:14 Drew Yeah, that's what I said. You get very heavy feelings that are overwhelming and you have to find a way to manage them or release them, so to speak, and so people will cut.

37:23 Adam All right, so Tony, how about a little therapy there?

37:25 Drew Or they do drugs or they act out. These are things that people do when they can't manage feeling states.

37:29 How about, well, you said therapy? Well, I mean, I feel like I can't really talk to anybody. Why? Why? I don't really feel, I don't know.

37:40 Drew Well, if you want to, that's understandable since you've been abused badly growing up, but on your own behalf, step up.

37:47 I've never been abused.

37:49 Drew No one ever hit you?

37:50 No.

37:51 Drew Never hit.

37:52 Adam What do you do for a living?

37:53 Well, I work retail.

37:57 Caller All right. A foreign shop?

37:59 Caller No.

37:59 Adam What do you sell?

38:03 Caller Propane?

38:04 What? Propane? I work retail. One of the major, like, Walmart.

38:13 Caller Walmart.

38:13 Drew Walmart. Propane. So listen, but Tony, look, there must have been something going up. You said there was a lot of anger built up, right? What's the anger from?

38:25 Adam I mean, I really don't know. All right. Look, I'm putting Tony on hold because, look, it's like if you call up and you say something's wrong with my car and they say, well, what's the problem? And you go, well, maybe the tranny, maybe the engine, maybe the rear end, maybe the suspension.

38:43 Drew I just don't know.

38:43 Adam I just don't know. We're going to take 14 hours to get to anything. Look, you have feelings. They're angry feelings. You're going to hurt somebody. You're going to hurt yourself. Or you're just going to have a miserable life. How about working it out? There's...

38:57 Drew There are ways to get it treated.

38:59 Adam There's ways to do it.

39:00 Drew You have to be willing to trust somebody else and take direction from somebody else because your great ideas are ending you up right where you are.

39:08 Adam That's right. All right. Should we take ourselves a little break, Drew?

39:11 Drew Sure.

39:13 Adam We'll be right back after this.

39:15 Hello, is this your radio?

39:30 Adam Hello, yeah, Loveline, huge Eagles fans. We used to go out to a sports bar. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. All right, that's Drew, Adam, you ready to rock?

39:47 Drew Let's go.

39:47 Adam You know, the rest of the world gets two days off, Drew. Yeah. We get one day off.

39:52 Drew I'm working all the way through, too, the hospital.

39:54 Adam Oh, yeah.

39:55 Drew Except one day off from Loveline.

39:56 Adam You're an idiot, but we don't get two days off, we just get tomorrow.

39:59 Drew That's right.

40:00 Caller If you asked for it off, you could have got it off.

40:02 Drew No.

40:03 Kind of sucks, yeah.

40:04 Drew No, because it's not, no.

40:05 We should have got tonight off.

40:06 Drew No.

40:07 Adam Why not?

40:07 Drew It wouldn't happen, because it's a book. It's a rating book. It'll let us do that.

40:11 Adam Yeah, I bet we could have done it. I should, we should just fake the injuries.

40:15 Drew Yeah, we could do that.

40:16 Adam could have said, it's just not coming in, if they don't let him take the night off, and they would have said, sure.

40:20 Adam Yeah.

40:22 Caller That's a hard ass, though.

40:23 Adam Let me explain to Adam. Adam's such a prima donna that he wants a security guard so he doesn't get a casa down the street, and wants a workplace where he doesn't have to wade through a rice paddy from Vietnam in order to get to the front door, the dump that he's currently working in. And after about six months of kind requests, Adam just eventually says he's not coming in, and that's how it works. Yeah.

40:50 Caller Yeah, prima donna.

40:52 Adam Brian?

40:53 Caller Yeah, that's me.

40:55 Adam What's happening?

40:56 Caller Not too much. How you doing?

40:58 Adam Good. How do you spell your name?

41:00 Caller B-R-Y-O-N.

41:01 Caller All right. Wow.

41:03 Adam Here's the whole thing, phone screeners. Ignore retarded spellings and just say, if a guy says his name is Brian, you spell it like Brian. Because otherwise I just look at it and I go Brian, Brian, Brian, Byron, Byron, Byron.

41:16 Drew And if he said it's spelled S-M-I-T-H, ignore.

41:20 Adam Ignore. Whatever he says. Right. That's my point. What's happening, Brian?

41:25 Caller Not too much of what's going on. I thought you guys were doing great, and Adam, I swear to God, you sound just like my grandfather.

41:33 Adam Really?

41:34 Caller Yeah.

41:34 Drew He's a Choctaw gynecologist?

41:38 Caller No, actually he's an Indian that was in the Navy, but he tried to act, so it's pretty funny.

41:44 Adam And does he do the American Indian voice for you?

41:48 Caller No, he doesn't do the American Indian voice, but he gets pretty... Oh, I'm sorry, he gets pretty messed up. Hold on a second.

41:55 Adam First off, I'm shocked an American Indian would drink. Yes, right.

42:01 Drew First of all, we've not actually established that the guy's American Indian.

42:04 Adam Oh, that's a good question, yeah, I didn't bring that up.

42:07 Drew He said, well, he listened to a lot of conversation, so he gives the American Indian voice. No, no, no, he just gets really messed up.

42:14 Adam No, it says, yeah, I'm sorry, it says here that the guy's part American Indian. Brian? Yes.

42:20 Yes.

42:20 Adam What kind of American Indian? Sioux, all right. And your grandfather's full-blooded or half, or what is he?

42:32 Caller Actually, my grandfather's full, so I'm a fourth.

42:36 Adam Fourth, is that what gives you your tenacity?

42:40 Caller Oh, something like that.

42:42 Adam Yeah, so what's happening?

42:44 Caller I'm a Southern California guy. I have no connection to my roots like most of us. Good, good. I thought it was hilarious what you guys were doing over there.

42:53 Adam Thanks, buddy.

42:54 Caller Dr. Drew, I love the way you're playing along with it, man. You've come so far, man.

42:58 Adam It really has. It really has.

43:02 Drew Oh, Brian, thanks for that.

43:04 Adam And look, everybody, I know everyone likes to go nutty. Everyone likes to go nutty with getting in touch with their heritage and their roots, and everyone talks about how great it is, and then she really makes fun of it. I really, I'm not kidding when I wish that everyone would just drop that S with their roots and their heritage and all that crap.

43:26 Drew You mean get defensive about it?

43:27 Adam It just causes division and wars and people get killed, and whether it's your religion or your roots or whatever. All we do is applaud. Oh, you're getting in touch with, oh, please. You walk around in your goofy hat. You go hang out with people who are 1 16th, whatever you are, and then sit around and- Yeah, not even. And then what ends up happening is you end up electing some guy and he ends up wanting to get your language stamped on textbooks, and the next thing you know, we got a S bucket we're all living in. Let's all just drop it. Don't forget about what you are.

44:03 Caller God bless-

44:04 Adam So let's start rowing. God bless Brian.

44:06 Caller Yeah, right.

44:06 Adam Just forget what you are. Forget what your grandparents is. It's got nothing. You're American. Let's go. Here we go now. You know what I'm saying? Let's get it together. We got it. We got it. Here's the deal. Here's your gig. Get a job, fight to keep it. And let's see if we can blow up some terrorists. That's it. That's our job. You going over to the such and such study center to find out more about, please. And by the way, those people ever get anywhere? You know, the ones who put on the ceremonial garb and do the nonsense that whatever they did, they're proven. Look, everyone's forefathers. They weren't great people. Let's be honest. Mine were probably some of the lazy guineas, probably had to be. Probably just got drunk and fell asleep and died on farming equipment or something. Idiots. Forget about them. Forget about your past. And look, here's the reason you're here, by the way. Wherever you're from, asshole. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. Wherever you're from is at least worse than this. And quite significantly.

45:06 Drew When your ancestors left, it must have been a lot worse than this.

45:08 Adam Yes.

45:10 Drew I think about the forces in power.

45:11 Adam Say whatever you want about this country. Your place you're from, dump. Now get it together. Let's go. You're an American, everybody.

45:19 Caller Yeah, yeah.

45:21 Adam Now I know the American Indians have me on a technicality because they were here. All right, but either way, let's go. Buffalo's gone, TP's gone, let's rock.

45:30 Caller Either way.

45:33 Adam Now, first off, Los Angeles speaks like 152 languages and everything's printed in 152 versions. And it's just, everyone loves where they're from. Oh, they're beloved wherever you're from, fill in the blank. It's a dump. You fled here. Let's face it. It's not like you came here to open a dentistry practice. You were an attorney where you're from and had to flee because the government was so corrupt and the sewer system was backed up and it's a dump. You came here because where you're from is a dump. Now stop pretending like where you're from is the world's greatest place and start focusing on this goddamn place. We're all Americans. That's what we should be giving thanks to. We got one common enemy, that's a terrorist, and the left-hand turn signals. We don't need those arrows. We got two common arrows. Two common enemies, Drew, and that's it. Remember, keep in mind, where you're from is a dump. Thank you.

46:27 Drew There you go.

46:28 Adam Let's go. You don't have to go there and you don't have to get in touch with anybody. And let's all stop being supportive. Oh, I went back to my native and I went ahead and I sat on the five-gallon bucket my grandfather used to dump in. Yeah, oh, that's fantastic. All right, just knock it off. You stay here. Or go back and visit and stay in your beloved Shangri-La, wherever that dump is. Yes?

46:50 Caller Yes. Thank you.

46:51 Adam Thank you, Chris?

46:53 Caller Yeah.

46:54 Adam All right. You know what I want you to start saying? What's up? Hi.

46:58 Caller Okay, let's go to break.

47:00 Drew Hi.

47:01 Adam All right, let's go to break. Yes, Chris?

47:03 Drew Hi.

47:03 Caller All right. Here it is.

47:05 Adam Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

47:08 Tons of lame people and no decent prospects.

47:11 Adam Call the Dateline.

47:11 Caller Call the Dateline. 1-877-889-DATE.

47:20 Caller So get your problems ready.

47:22 Ready.

47:24 Caller This hour brought you in part by Axe. Experience the Axe Effect.

47:36 Adam Yay, we're all talked out. Take a break, let's play a song.

47:40 Drew Yeah, that was a good segment we had there. Sure, but it was in the john.

47:44 Adam Drew and I talked so much in the toilet that we're actually parched now. We're on the air, I got a cotton mouth and burnt out. My brain's empty.

47:51 Drew We'd let it dance, we schmoozed.

47:52 Adam We got nothing.

47:53 Drew Carried on.

47:54 Adam Hey, phone number, buddy, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Engineer Chris.

47:59 Drew Hey, what's up, man?

48:00 Adam I'm gonna need you to take the next call.

48:01 Drew Chris, Chris, Chris. Hi.

48:05 Adam Oh, he's sassy. Listen, everyone here is sassy because no one gets paid. So I was like, you wanna fire me? It's like being, it's like a warden threatening to throw you out of prison. Yeah, you want? I'll toss your ass right out of that hole. Right out, you know where you share the toilet and the four by nines? Yeah, you want to, you want out? I'll throw you out, mister. It's like, yeah, please do me a favor, toss me out. Let me say this. Here's where I'm coming up with the high thing. I'm trying to get my assistant to do it because.

48:37 Drew Why don't you just go straight to Hile? Forget the high.

48:42 All right, I'll write that down.

48:44 Adam I say Hile. It's longer than Hile.

48:47 Drew Yeah, I know. Well, you're gonna break them into that.

48:48 Adam Here's the thing. When you're watching TV once in a while, you come across one of those Japanese shows. And it's funny, they're like, it's news or it's sports wrap up or something. Oh, you know what it is? It's in between the matches of the sumo wrestling. They'll go to this place. But the Japanese are so bizarre. It doesn't look like a sports center or anything. It looks like there's like rice paper and weird characters, Chinese or Japanese.

49:14 Drew It probably says sports center. That's a little weird. No, no, no.

49:16 Adam It's just stuff. It's like a flower pot and some rice paper.

49:19 And you're like, I don't know.

49:20 Adam You couldn't tell if it was politics or religion or cooking, everything is sort of. And there's two guys sitting there and one guy's talking. The other guy's standing next to him. Hey, hey, hey, hey, which is, I agree. Yes. No, you're right. I love that, actually. It's instant. It's engaging. But it's confirmation all the time. It's equivalent of feverishly nodding when someone's talking. As opposed to Americans are like, I disagree. I disagree. No, no, I didn't. And then say the exact same thing. So here's what I figured out. I figured out, I officially the other day, Drew, I don't know if I told you about this, I hit a little bit of a landmark. You know, we spoke on the cell phone before, right?

50:03 Drew You and I, yeah. Every night.

50:07 Adam Yeah, we probably have thousands of hours logged on the cell phone. And as Drew knows, I can get a little head of steam going on the cell phone and I can talk.

50:17 Drew Well, I like the way you presented the fact that you have spoke on the phone. You haven't had a conversation, you speak.

50:23 Adam No. I yell at Drew via the telephone. It's really like an intercom, his side is broken.

50:29 Drew Right.

50:29 Adam And I just yell stuff at him. And I've realized, now the phone has cut out on us 700,000 times. Because Los Angeles, not a big cell phone city.

50:42 Drew No, so they can't have coverage. Why would they bother them coverage everywhere?

50:46 Adam I would understand if it was a city where people were in their car. Or used cell phones or invented cell phones, something like that. Or there was some commerce going on or some business or, but it's not a big economy out here. People don't spend time in their cars.

51:01 Caller Business is conducted on the phone.

51:03 Adam No, not LA, no. God damn forbid we have an extra couple cell towers. Anyway, nothing worse in Los Angeles. Cell phones cut out every five feet. And I realize because I'm long winded and I'm usually in the middle of the diatribe, I talk for four or five minutes at a time before I realize there's no response.

51:21 Drew I should tell you something, by the way, Adam, that every time a phone's cutting out, it's during your speaking.

51:25 Adam I'm now starting to think people are hanging up. Here's me point. The other day, I passed a milestone, which was I now have one year of nonstop talking with nobody on the other line. It's two minutes here, 30 seconds there, five minutes. It's actually one year of nonstop talking with nobody on the other line. And I realize, now here's my problem.

51:51 Caller I missed the pearls.

51:53 Adam Yeah. I got an assistant who doesn't like responding when I talk, you know? So that's right. So I start talking and I say, hey, you gotta go down to Far West Ply and pick up some of that CDX Ply. And there's like long beats and I'm on the cell phone. I'm like, hello? And he's like, yeah, I think he does it to piss me off. But the point is, is I start saying, you gotta say hi. And not hi, how are you? But hey, after each thing, now watch, we'll show you how this works. You ready? Yeah. All right, we'll try it. All right, Drew, I need you to head down to Far West Ply and I need to pick up some CDX Good One Side Three Quarter Mahogany. And after that, I want you to swing by the cleaners. I got some dry cleaning over there. Need you to pick that up. And then I'm gonna need you, you know what? I think my mom's Christmas gift is done down at the S Palace. I need you to swing by there. You see how it works, see now there's none of that. Hello? Did you hear me? And if you think about it, they have this kind of talk in the military. There's the over and the roger and all that kind of stuff. No, but when they talk via, not in person.

52:57 Drew The airplane too, they got it.

52:58 Adam Yeah, you have to.

52:59 Drew Or you repeat, by the way, in the airplane, you repeat the command, which I think is this what your guy ought to pick up on.

53:05 Adam Right? Yeah, that's good. But for now, the, hey.

53:08 Drew United 220 to send and maintain one 2,000, one 2,000, United 120 out.

53:13 Adam Hey! All right, so engineer Chris, over here, buddy. Engineer Chris, he drips off. Engineer Chris, I'm gonna need you to just answer with a very affirmative, hey! Hey! Yeah.

53:25 Drew Oh, he's good.

53:26 Adam That's good. And again, it's not the hi, how are you? It's the Japanese.

53:29 Drew Oh, yes.

53:31 Adam Hey! Yeah. Yeah, I understand. It's sort of, think busting a board with your foot while taking a crap. Ouch. Yeah, you know what I mean? No, hey!

53:44 Drew All right.

53:45 Adam All right, so, engineer Chris, later on we're gonna play Ranchero Countdown. And so you're gonna need to queue up for that.

53:54 Drew Right. Oh!

53:55 Adam Oh! So close.

53:57 Drew You know, when they don't respond, it's painful.

53:59 Adam Time to chop their head off.

54:00 Caller Yeah, it's brutal.

54:02 Drew Yeah, it's like, huh, what? Insulting.

54:04 Adam Yeah, that's a slap in the face. You don't have to kill yourself in the name of the emperor. Jason?

54:10 Hello?

54:11 Adam You're 17?

54:13 Caller Hello, yeah.

54:13 Caller Hey, um, I have a question for Dr. Drew.

54:16 Drew Jason smokes way too much.

54:17 Caller Wow.

54:17 Adam You smoke a lot of weed. I mean, are you, hi?

54:21 Caller No, I don't. I got a question for you about a, uh, about a psychologist who did a study. His name is, uh, Dr. Ron Levine. Hello?

54:35 Adam See? Do you see what happens? Now, Drew, start doing a hi.

54:38 Drew I did it with you. We both did it.

54:39 Adam Yeah, but we're both delayed. Go ahead, Jason. We'll try to do the hi thing.

54:43 Caller Hi, I was, I'm wondering about a study. If there's a Dr. Ron Levine, he's from, in Van Nuys. He did a study that, about fetuses.

54:52 Adam Hi.

54:52 Caller And he did, he said that in the fetuses, when they're in the, in the womb, they've done ultrasound tests that say they masturbate.

54:59 Adam Hi.

55:00 Caller And I was wondering if that's true.

55:03 Drew Hi.

55:04 Adam Now.

55:05 Drew Listen, there's masturbating and there's masturbating. There's one thing that happens, particularly human males, is that they touch their junk. And when, like for instance, when somebody's coming out of a coma, the first thing they start to do is they start to sort of masturbate a little bit. There's something about our central nervous systems that we sort of self-stimulate by a matter of sort of automatic primitive kind of a function. And so naturally enough, yes, a fetus at a certain age would begin to touch its genitalia. It doesn't actually masturbate. And they interpret it as masturbation, I think is a little bit presumptuous. Hi. But, you know, so I'm sure, yes, I'm sure they've documented fetuses touching themselves.

55:43 Adam Right.

55:44 Drew Hi.

55:45 Adam Yeah, I've told you before about how I would work with the coma victim thing, which is they always say, it's all movies and all TV shows, you talk to him. You sit by his bed and you talk to him. You keep talking to him. I don't know what the hell that does. It's like you talk to him and in movies you go talk to him. But I would just pull up a chair, be midnight, I'd be at the hospital. Dad, dad, it's your son. It's Adam.

56:15 Dad, dad, dad.

56:18 Drew Oh Christ.

56:19 Adam Now listen, screw this. I'm going, you want Chinese? I'm going, yeah, all right. I'll screw it.

56:25 Drew People are very funny about this stuff. But, you know, the self-stimulating, it really is.

56:29 Adam How about a tape recording? Like, you know, well, I mean, if you got a job, I'm talking about if someone's in a coma. I'm just saying about in a coma.

56:35 Drew What exactly would talk to them do?

56:38 Adam I see it in all the movies.

56:40 Drew It's again, the kind of primitive man stuff.

56:42 Adam I like that stuff too. He can hear you. He may not, he feels your presence. There's a lot of that in life, you know? You're in a coma, you're in a coma, right? Here, let me tell you.

56:51 Drew Coma by the means altered relation to the external environment. Yeah, let me tell you.

56:54 Adam Let me tell you the definition of coma. You don't know what the hell is going on. If you had some sense that your loved ones were sitting around your bed, you wouldn't be in a coma.

57:04 Drew Right.

57:05 Adam Right?

57:05 Drew If you could identify people, if you knew where you were.

57:07 Adam Oh, you hear a name.

57:08 Drew And by the way, you wake right up. That's even then being confused, not knowing where you are, not knowing who's, that's not as bad as coma. That comes, the coma is far deeper than not being able to identify people, not knowing where you are. So even if they were awake, they still wouldn't know who you were and where they are, nor would they remember. But the thing I said about the masturbation stuff, I've actually only routinely seen that in obviously young males. Older males aren't as apt to self-stimulate.

57:36 Adam I mean, hi.

57:37 Drew Hi.

57:39 Adam Older males aren't-

57:40 Drew Young males got the juice going, you know what I'm saying? So they're-

57:44 Adam What do you mean older males?

57:45 Drew Like men in their eighties when they're in a coma don't wake up and start self-stimulating.

57:49 Adam I even forgot how coma came up. I just thought, I'm now at the point with the show where I just think I bring things up that mean nothing to anybody. I mean, no, I'm with that, but I mean, I just keep making things up. But no, you said coma, that's right.

58:00 Caller Hey.

58:01 Drew And you are at the point where you just keep making things up.

58:03 Adam Jacqueline?

58:05 Yeah.

58:06 Caller You're 18?

58:06 Uh-huh.

58:08 Adam What's up?

58:10 Well, my question is that I noticed as my breasts have been developing, Hey. One of them has developed a little bit bigger than the other. Right.

58:23 Drew By a full, say, a cup side difference, or is it that noticeable? Yeah, that's actually very, very common, Jacqueline. It's real common for there to be a size asymmetry, a directional asymmetry, this sort of thing. So it's not something you should be, yeah, you shouldn't be worried about it.

58:41 Adam What cup size are you?

58:47 Drew Hey. So that's interesting.

58:50 Adam That just looks like a big, at the end of the day, just a big rack. That's fine.

58:54 Drew That's fine. Don't worry.

58:55 Adam How big's the rest of you? How tall are you, baby?

59:01 Caller Who?

59:03 Adam Low. How much do you weigh?

59:08 Caller Hold on a second.

59:10 Adam It's always like, that's 50, that's 20 pounds added right there. You give one more, huh?

59:14 Drew Let me think about it.

59:15 Adam And how much do I weigh? Now you've gone up 25 pounds.

59:18 Caller All right, let me try this.

59:19 Adam Where's she, Jacqueline?

59:20 Caller But she has a hot name.

59:22 Adam Jacqueline?

59:23 Uh-huh.

59:23 Adam How much do you weigh?

59:25 How much do I weigh?

59:29 Adam When I hear the, how much do I weigh, sort of shoehorned into 125? Now I'm at 137. Yeah.

59:40 I don't weigh 137.

59:41 Adam I know you're reading your driver's license, but I'm looking at the scale.

59:44 Drew How tall are you again? Five.

59:47 Caller Five two, pretty short. She's small. She's just right.

59:52 Adam She's just right if she wasn't lying to my 125. All right, now look. You got a nice red.

59:57 Drew Take it home and use it.

59:58 Adam Take it home and use it. No, you're fine, baby doll. Little asymmetry. But by the way, women are constantly with the, you know, inverted nipples and the stretch marks and the asymmetry in the breast.

1:00:11 Drew Like guys care.

1:00:12 Adam Like guys don't.

1:00:13 Drew And by the way, think of a percentile difference there between a B and a C, D and a double D, not as much of a percentile difference.

1:00:20 Adam Right. One's 50% more basically and the other's 10% more.

1:00:25 Drew Exactly.

1:00:25 Adam Thank you.

1:00:26 Drew Hey.

1:00:27 Adam Engineer Chris, wake up, buddy. What did you do? Did you eat a bunch of turkey before you came in today?

1:00:32 No.

1:00:33 Adam You got like a tryptophan.

1:00:34 Drew No, no, he's high tonight. No, no, no. He's on his game.

1:00:38 I'm good.

1:00:39 Adam How are you doing on the Ranchero music?

1:00:42 That's good.

1:00:43 Adam Oh, you're good, really?

1:00:44 Caller Hi.

1:00:46 Adam He does it good.

1:00:47 Caller Hi. Okay.

1:00:49 Adam Let's play a little Ace's Ranchero Mexican according to Countdown.

1:00:53 Drew The caller wants to play with us.

1:00:54 Adam Oh, wants to play with us.

1:00:55 Drew Oh, here's the play. First, a little history.

1:00:57 Caller Oh, all right.

1:00:59 Adam All right, so a little history of the Ranchero Countdown?

1:01:01 Drew Yeah.

1:01:02 Adam Brian.

1:01:03 Caller Yeah.

1:01:04 Adam What's happening? What's happening in 2021?

1:01:07 Caller How'd you get the idea for the Ranchero Mexican Music Countdown?

1:01:11 Adam Well, I'll tell you how. I'll tell you how that came about. No Heart Music? We, I've obviously worked in the construction field in Southern California for many, many years with my Mexican brethren. And I don't know if a lot of people understand like this sort of breakdown in, at least the Southern California area, when it comes to doing that kind of work, which is you don't work with black guys. You don't work with Asian guys. You don't work with Jewish. Oh, God knows you don't work with Jewish guys.

1:01:42 Drew If you do construction.

1:01:43 Adam If you do construction.

1:01:44 Drew But masonry, that must be the Jewish guys.

1:01:47 Adam Yeah, that's mainly the, mainly the Hasid's do masonry. Yeah, they love mixing up a batch of mortar. No, if you work in the construction field in Southern California, you work with Latino guys. Now, I'm not saying Mexican because I work with guys from El Salvador and Nicaragua and all parts. But, and by the way, the white guys just call them all Mexican and then they get mad. But the point is, is ranchero music is the music of choice on the construction site. And that's all you hear. So yeah, you realize that then after listening to for a while, accordion becomes a strong theme.

1:02:29 Drew How long were you listening? What's a while?

1:02:31 Adam Many years. Many painful, painful years. And then you realize that this is the world's most annoying music and then it's made more annoying by the most annoying instrument, the accordion. And then while we were sitting around the writer's room, I just decided- Jimmy Kimmel Live, you know, in lieu of writing jokes, I decided, look, I just arbitrarily, you flip on the radio, we leave it on the Spanish station. You flip it on- Spanish. The Mexican station, the Spanish speaking station. How dare you, Drew?

1:03:03 Caller Just to let you know.

1:03:03 Adam You turned me into a non-racist. Yes.

1:03:05 Caller The caller, Brian, hung up right when you started your story, pretty much.

1:03:10 Drew No, no, he didn't, because he responded to us a couple of times, but there was a hang up noise. That's why he put him on hold.

1:03:14 Caller Yeah, and Ziggy checked, and he's gone.

1:03:18 Maybe he didn't like you, I don't know.

1:03:20 Caller Maybe he didn't like your explanation.

1:03:21 Drew I want to hear the rest of the story. Maybe he wanted- Hi.

1:03:25 Adam Engineer Anderson.

1:03:26 Caller I just wanted to let you know.

1:03:28 Adam Thanks, buddy. You really, I'll tell you, you're at the top of my Christmas list.

1:03:33 Caller More underwear?

1:03:34 Adam Just quiet down, please. Jesus Christ, I swear to God. Oh, if I had any energy at all, it'd be great. Just fire everyone. All right, where am I, Drew?

1:03:43 Drew Hi.

1:03:44 Adam Hi, I know the guy's off the line, and instead of putting him on hold, I have a screen in front of me. We heard the clicking. Thanks for undermining the story, I appreciate that.

1:03:53 Drew So you were sitting around the writer's table, you leave it on the Mexican station, you're mad at me for saying Spanish.

1:03:57 Adam Yeah.

1:03:58 Drew And?

1:03:59 Adam And we start flipping it on and off and taking some bets. And that's how the Rancher Recording Countdown.

1:04:04 Drew How soon before they hear an accordion?

1:04:06 Adam Yeah, that's where it started. And now comes to you, now we share it with America.

1:04:10 Drew And a call with the share with us.

1:04:12 Adam All right, you wanna play along? Matt?

1:04:14 Caller Yeah.

1:04:14 Adam All right, you wanna play along?

1:04:16 Caller Yeah, I wanna play.

1:04:17 Adam All right, give us a bet. A bet.

1:04:20 Caller All right, I didn't call him to be conservative, so I'm gonna go with seven seconds.

1:04:25 Adam Oh, bold.

1:04:26 Caller I am going bold today.

1:04:27 Drew Well, I'm gonna counter with a bold move. Instant.

1:04:30 Adam Instant. Drew's, Drew, by the way, dead nuts on last night.

1:04:36 Caller Yep, with three seconds of it.

1:04:37 Adam No, it was five seconds.

1:04:38 Caller Five seconds.

1:04:38 Adam It was five seconds, and it really probably went about 5.3, but that's not much. You know, it's not like we're, it's not the Olympic trials there, that.3, not much. All right, so Drew has the instant, Matt has seven seconds. I'm gonna go bold. I'm gonna go crazy bold. You ready for this? No accordion. Zero accordion. Zero accordion. What do you think of that? That's bold. That's crazy. You wanna talk, wave us. Wave us.

1:05:09 Drew He's lost it.

1:05:09 Adam Yeah, that's how, that's a crazy guy.

1:05:11 Caller He's gonna drop Trow. He'll drop Trow, this guy's gonna drop Trow, Chris, watch out.

1:05:15 Drew He will drop Trow.

1:05:16 Adam All right, Chris, you're poised. I'm gonna count you in, in five, four, three, two, one, go. Alright.

1:05:34 Drew Five.

1:05:35 Adam Five. Five seconds. Wait a minute. Caller mad has won.

1:05:40 Drew Yes he has.

1:05:41 Adam I got it. Yeah. Yeah, you did.

1:05:44 Caller It was cutting out on my phone.

1:05:46 Adam Oh, you know. No, here it is.

1:05:49 Yeah.

1:05:51 Caller Yeah.

1:05:54 Adam That's you buddy. Five seconds. And since you picked seven and Drew picked immediate and I picked zero you're right on. You know, we've done this twice with callers and they've won each time, Drew. I don't know what that says about us.

1:06:09 Drew Hi.

1:06:10 Adam Yes. All right, so we, should we take a call? Should we take a break? What do you want to do?

1:06:15 Drew Let's see who's been up there the longest. Let's take six, been up there six months.

1:06:18 Adam Married for six months and also wants oral sex techniques?

1:06:20 Drew 60 minutes, line six, let's do that. What about 80 minutes? 80 minutes, line six.

1:06:25 Adam You want 80 minutes or 60 minutes?

1:06:26 Drew I want 80 minutes.

1:06:28 Adam Okay, here we go. You ready? Sarah. Hi, hi, you're 13, what's up?

1:06:51 Drew Absolutely. Why don't you stop doing that dumb stuff? Well, you know what's interesting, Sarah? I had a conversation with a patient tonight who was doing a lot of dumb stuff and she was beginning to engage in a treatment process where she trusted people to help her and she was starting to open up to the emotional pain that she'd been suffering and she said something very interesting to me tonight. She goes, you know, I've noticed a decreased drive to do what you guys are calling those self-destructive things, so-called self-destructive things, that literally when you get engaged in a process of recovery or treatment, the drive to do these stupid things goes down. They're not so satisfying, they're not so gratifying, you're not driven to do them because the drive, the sort of the source of that energy is being dealt with, being diminished. So how about doing some before you actually do something that is permanently harmful? And by the way, these behaviors don't tend to cause you to feel good about yourself.

1:07:46 Adam Right.

1:07:48 Drew And how about doing things that actually make you feel good? There is such a thing, not just feel better, not just give you relief, but actually make you feel good. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, did you hear, did you hear anything I said?

1:08:09 Adam No, look, I'm, look, I'm shifting from.

1:08:15 Drew Don't get pregnant.

1:08:17 Adam Yeah. What it is is you, you want to come in and, you know, remodel the house, put a little faux paint on the wall.

1:08:25 Drew Nice appliances back in there.

1:08:26 Adam Put some new appliances on. I'm looking to board up the windows. So, so the place doesn't blow, blow through when the, when the hurricane's coming, the hurricane's coming.

1:08:34 Drew Hurricane's, we're in the middle of it.

1:08:35 Adam All right. The point is, is I'm on damage control. I just don't want to blow out the windows. So that's, that's what I'm going into with Sarah here. Sarah.

1:08:45 Caller All right.

1:08:47 Adam Here's the deal. You're 13. Hi. You're going to have years of luck. You don't have to listen to anything I say. And I'm sure you're not. And, you know.

1:08:57 Caller I'm just trying to get some advice because my mom says that I'm an out of control teenager.

1:09:01 Drew Well, you know, something as horrible happened to you that's driving you to harm yourself, to do destructive things. And I know they don't seem destructive. They seem like things that make you feel better, but they're not going to make you feel good.

1:09:13 Adam Here's the thing too, which is life is challenging enough without hobbling yourself by doing really a stupid effed up things every 10 minutes. You know, it's difficult enough to, you know, get along, to succeed, to make the right decisions, to do what it's going to take to have the kind of life that you can be happy with and proud of and so on and so forth. And when you're, I mean, okay, here's what I want to say, Drew, the people I know that were successful and the ones that were unsuccessful, it wasn't really about IQ and it wasn't really about calories burnt or anything like that. It was the ones that were unsuccessful had to keep derailing and sabotaging and effing themselves. And it's hard enough to run the marathon. It's another thing if you're going to want to drink a six pack and eat a bucket of chicken while you're doing it and take off one shoe. It's going to be, you're taking a challenging thing and making it impossible.

1:10:15 Drew But the other thing, the kinds of things that the saras of the world like to do tend to in retrospect cause very intense shame and that shame tends to cause you to want to do more of these things. As opposed to doing things that actually make you feel good about yourself cause you're taking care of yourself.

1:10:31 Adam Right, and it's what I call a shame spiral.

1:10:33 Caller Oh yes.

1:10:38 Adam And by the way, I don't know a ton about World War II, but the SS.

1:10:42 Caller Yeah. Shame spiral, yeah. Is that what that was? Yeah, yeah. SS.

1:10:46 Adam Cause I will see a lot of that on the History Channel. I don't know, I thought it was something that had to do with Hitler. I didn't know it was shame spiral. The point is, once you start screwing up, once you start doing drugs, once you start screwing around with guys, it becomes easier and easier and easier. It's that sort of stepping stone stuff. Once you start with the petty crimes, it's easier than you're breaking into someone's house and you're stabbing someone. You know what I mean? Everything works that way.

1:11:12 Drew You step it up.

1:11:13 Adam You just ratchet it up, ratchet it up slowly, and it works that way.

1:11:17 Drew Because you're looking to deal with things through behaviors that aren't actually dealing with the problems.

1:11:23 Adam Right. Sarah. Let's get yourself, please get yourself a little help for what happened to you when you were younger and see if things don't come into focus a little more clearly.

1:11:37 Drew Of course not. That's why you do it your way.

1:11:39 Adam I know, but here's the deal. Your plan in life is perfect if you're gonna get killed on a moped when you're 15. You know what I mean? But it's a great plan. If I had a crystal ball and realized at 13, I was gonna get killed on a moped when I was 15, I would just start eating candy. I would never study. I wouldn't go to the therapist.

1:12:07 Drew That's probably why nature put those kinds of mechanisms in place. Because in nature, when things were, man, it was natural and didn't have toxins.

1:12:14 Adam You feel toxins in your body?

1:12:16 Drew We average life expectancy was about 18 to 22.

1:12:19 Adam Right.

1:12:19 Drew And so you can go ahead and just go nuts.

1:12:20 Adam Do whatever you want.

1:12:21 Drew And reproduce quickly and then you'll be dead.

1:12:23 Adam Right. And that's what these folks do. They reproduce quickly and then they're dead, not because a line kills them, but because they get a bad rig and they get infected from some heroin they're slamming. So here, well, a lot of street, I sound like Beretta there. So you take that to the bank. The point is, is your plan's good if you're gonna get cleaned out in five years or three years or two years. It's not good if you wanna have a family, have a life, have a career, so on and so forth.

1:12:51 Caller Okay.

1:12:52 Adam Okay, let's take a quick break. Andrew, Chris, ready to take a break?

1:12:56 Caller Hey.

1:12:57 Adam Come on, Fonzie, give it again. Hey. Hi.

1:13:03 Hi.

1:13:03 Adam Hi. Okay, you ready to take a break, Chris?

1:13:06 Hi.

1:13:07 Adam No, not I. Hi. Hi.

1:13:10 Hi.

1:13:12 Adam Crapping and kicking. Renolfi's effing with us or not. Remember the 1,300, hi, you said? I need one more. You ready to take a break?

1:13:24 Caller Hey.

1:13:24 Caller All right, after this.

1:13:28 Caller Love 191.

1:13:32 Rock.

1:13:54 Caller Hey, everyone. It's Loveline.

1:13:54 I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew.

1:13:57 Caller Funner.

1:13:58 Adam 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1-er. Oh, it's that good time of the year. Everyone's gonna be eating, gonna be watching football. You know what's nice too is I never used to get paid on holidays. Swinging a hair. People don't really realize how that works and how much it sucks. It's like, you got that thing where it's like, well, I can afford to take Thanksgiving off, but I'm going back on Friday. How much do you really enjoy sitting home not getting paid, especially when you're living paycheck to paycheck? Nice getting paid. Yeah? All right, Chris, you getting paid?

1:14:38 Excuse me?

1:14:39 Adam Hey. Hey. You do. You get paid for Thanksgiving?

1:14:44 No, I'm part-time, so.

1:14:45 Adam So you don't get paid?

1:14:47 Caller If I work the day, yeah.

1:14:49 Caller Oh, hold on a second. Let me write that down.

1:14:52 Adam So you're saying if you work. It's not, okay. Wait, hold on, I'm confused.

1:14:56 Caller It's not a paid holiday.

1:14:57 Adam Tonight you're not getting paid then, right?

1:14:59 I'm sorry, it's not a paid holiday.

1:15:00 Adam Not a paid holiday. So you don't get paid, but if you did come in at like four o'clock, you get paid. Now let me show you this. If you work for an hour, you just, you get paid for one hour, right?

1:15:12 Drew Right. Two. Oh, two, two.

1:15:17 Adam That's called, that's called it. Chris calls that golden time. All right. Brandon?

1:15:22 Yeah.

1:15:23 Adam What's happening?

1:15:25 I recently spied on my girl.

1:15:27 Adam It's so funny because K-Rock is so cheap. I was like, what? They're paying Chris for a holiday? And then, but then it came into focus. No, no. And then look, if we were bigger men, we'd pay them out of our own pocket, but we're just not. Brandon?

1:15:42 Yeah.

1:15:43 Adam You're 19?

1:15:44 Caller Yeah. All right. Here we go. I recently called, spied on my girlfriend and I caught them having sex.

1:15:54 Drew Who's them?

1:15:56 Caller My brother and my girlfriend.

1:15:58 Adam Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.

1:16:01 Drew Why didn't you come in screaming and...

1:16:04 Adam Drew, would you have?

1:16:05 Caller Huh?

1:16:07 Drew It's hard to predict. Oh yeah, I would have lost my mind. In some fashion.

1:16:11 Adam After feverishly masturbating, I would have lost my mind.

1:16:16 Caller It's like I wanna know how I can confront them.

1:16:18 Drew How you can confront them?

1:16:20 Caller All right, hold on, let me talk to my partner.

1:16:23 Drew The guy sounds squirrely, but it's gotta be Bogus because there's no question.

1:16:26 Adam It's Bogus. He's Bogus.

1:16:28 Caller I want them.

1:16:30 Adam Brandon.

1:16:30 Caller Yeah.

1:16:31 Adam You know what you share with the word Bogus? You both start with a B.

1:16:39 Caller Yeah.

1:16:39 Adam Bogus and Brandon. Bogus, Brandon.

1:16:42 Caller No, I want to know how to confront them.

1:16:45 Drew Yeah, how to confront in Loveline World. Because a non-question is a Bogus question.

1:16:49 Adam You're not asking a question. This is Bogus. Sorry, buddy.

1:16:54 Drew Yeah.

1:16:55 Adam Yeah. And by the way, listen, all you jackoffs at our home and do that. Why do you think, you always say people were molested or you always think people, look, if we weren't right every time, I wouldn't do it.

1:17:08 Drew Same with the Bogus. We know when it's Bogus. We know.

1:17:11 Adam Yeah, we're not a hundred percent, but that was a non-question.

1:17:15 Drew Think about the sort of nuanced questions that people ask and the sort of specificity. No one who has a real question ever calls up and says, how do I confront, fill in the blank?

1:17:26 Adam And again, it's a non-question. Thanks. And look, here's our only rule with the Boguosity.

1:17:34 Drew Make it good.

1:17:35 Adam Make it good. And then when we bust you, be man enough.

1:17:39 Drew Don't just hang up, just go, hi.

1:17:40 Caller Hi.

1:17:41 Adam Yes. Anthony? 17. And by the way, this is another thing. Bring something to the goddamn table. If you're gonna do a Bogus, if you have like a Bogus phone call, then make one.

1:17:54 Drew Like really develop it.

1:17:56 Adam Develop it and fight back the tears. It don't be like.

1:18:00 Drew No, no, wait, no, I don't want to encourage them. You don't want to encourage them to go to the point where we have no option.

1:18:04 Caller I don't want you to go, I saw my father shoot himself 20 minutes ago.

1:18:09 Drew You can't unfairly load the deck against us. We have to go along with it no matter what.

1:18:13 Adam Right, none of those AIDS calls, no Drew's a genius call, nothing so fantastic that we can't believe it. But don't give that, well, I saw my brother, my girlfriend.

1:18:28 Drew I was alone in my friend's house. He was waiting for me after school and his mom came home and then she came downstairs and got any clothes on and then she tried to give me a BJ.

1:18:38 Adam Yeah.

1:18:38 Drew I might know, should I tell my friend? Should I confront him about it?

1:18:41 Adam I filmed it, should I show him the film? And then I was like, this one too. Everyone's such an idiot. And I'm like, yeah, what was she wearing?

1:18:50 Drew What room you in? What was wallpaper looking? No, first it's, how dare you?

1:19:00 Adam What was she wearing?

1:19:02 Drew Repeat the question.

1:19:03 Caller What was she wearing?

1:19:05 Caller She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

1:19:08 Adam You gotta convene for that one. Living room, not gonna, nothing?

1:19:15 Caller Okay, you ready to go?

1:19:20 Adam Anthony?

1:19:20 Hello?

1:19:21 Adam You're 17?

1:19:22 Caller Yeah, I have a, Germany or Florida?

1:19:24 Adam Beautiful, brother.

1:19:26 Caller All right, police say a man bit an officer and his dog Friday after trying to stiff a cab driver on an early morning fare. So-and-so was charged Friday with assaulting a police officer resisting arrest and stealing. A police officer said the suspect broke the skin of an officer's hand when he bit him. The man then nearly bit the ear off the police dog.

1:19:52 Drew Well, that's speed.

1:19:53 Adam That's speed. You mean you don't bite police dogs unless you're either high or super hungry?

1:19:59 Drew No, it's just super, super psychotic or super manic.

1:20:04 Adam Police dog, Florida, but Germany. Seems like Germany's sort of the home of dogs that do your bidding, you know?

1:20:13 Drew Yeah. I can't, it's a tough one.

1:20:16 Adam Cab, no, no help.

1:20:18 Drew Morning cab.

1:20:19 Adam Early in the morning. Yeah, they don't have, goes Florida?

1:20:23 Drew Yeah, it goes Florida.

1:20:24 Adam Yeah, because guys are up all night with the speed. Yeah, Florida.

1:20:28 Drew Yeah, it's a very tough one.

1:20:30 Adam Anthony, we're going Florida.

1:20:32 Caller Oh, you got Germany.

1:20:34 Drew Oh man, brutal.

1:20:36 Adam And going into the long holiday weekend with that kind of speed. Yeah, we're gonna droop. Oh, yeah, okay, hey Anthony.

1:20:46 Caller Yeah.

1:20:47 Adam Thank you.

1:20:48 Caller You guys gonna be playing any more Aces According Countdown tonight?

1:20:51 Adam Yeah, you wanna play?

1:20:54 Caller Yeah, for sure.

1:20:54 Adam All right, I'm gonna put you on hold, Anthony. And we're gonna take a commercial break. And then we'll come back, you're gonna join in playing. See if we can go two for two. And by the way, you could be the first caller in Loveline history. And the show's been on for 20 years or maybe more in Southern California at least, although Aces According Countdown is relatively new. But still technically the first Loveline caller in as long as the show's been on the air to win not only Germany or Florida, but Aces Mexican Ranchero According Countdown in the same evening. That would be an honor.

1:21:26 Drew It's huge.

1:21:27 Adam It's not guaranteed. We're good. The odds are stacked against you, my friend, but you could walk away wearing the double-sided crown. Are you ready to take that challenge?

1:21:36 Drew Yeah, for sure. Between the two crowns.

1:21:39 Adam What's that?

1:21:40 Drew The red and the white crown. There we go.

1:21:43 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be back with Asus Rentier, on Mexican According Countdown after this. Yeah!

1:22:09 Caller Woo!

1:22:09 Drew Get it on!

1:22:09 Caller Gotta get it on!

1:22:12 Adam Gotta get it on! I'll tell you what there, kiddies. Next week, Mark McGrath is gonna be in here, and also Dana Devon is gonna be in here. Seems like Devon, but I think it's Devon from Extra. They make a nice team. Mark is, of course, from Sugar Ray, and Mark's one of these guys that you would love to hate him except for he's the nicest guy in the world. Super nice. Yes?

1:22:38 Drew And smart.

1:22:38 Adam And super smart. He really always makes me feel like he could do this job anytime he wanted to. And I'll just go co-host Extra. I don't know, by the way, if you're this way, Drew, but those shows are guilty pleasures for me. There's certain shows I don't gravitate to, and then there's all the Access Hollywoods and Actuaries, and it's like Julia Roberts is giving birth to twins, what she's eating. And I'm like, I've gotta find out what she's eating.

1:23:10 Drew What's up with Brittany?

1:23:11 Adam What's up with Brittany? Yeah, I gotta find out what's up with Brittany, and then I get angry. Nothing's up with Brittany. She's lip-syncing, she's got cankles.

1:23:23 Drew I really don't like those shows. I will not tell Mark this, but I really don't like those shows.

1:23:28 Adam I find them destructive to the fabric of society, because here's what ends up going on. I think people just sit home, they watch Gwyneth Paltrow, $40 million for an ex-film, how the starlet gets in shape, and then the guy just turns and looks at his fat wife on the sofa with the hole in it, and goes, I'm gonna kill you.

1:23:49 Drew Here's why I would like those shows, if somebody said, let's sit somebody down and have a conversation about who that person actually is. Now I'm in.

1:23:57 Adam After extra, look forward to boring with Dr. Drew.

1:24:01 Drew But I'd say I'd find that interesting. Wouldn't you?

1:24:04 Adam Bob Patt O'Brien.

1:24:06 Drew Who is that person?

1:24:07 Adam Who is that person? Yeah. J.Lo and Mark Anthony, yeah.

1:24:14 Drew Don't you think, by the way, that was an interesting story that people missed, that there was all this Benjen stuff, and then she dumps him mid-engagement, and he gets married to somebody else? That's brutal.

1:24:26 Caller Yeah. Right?

1:24:27 Adam No.

1:24:27 Caller Nobody cares.

1:24:29 Adam Nobody cares. I mean, no one cares what happens to Benny. He had the Sox won the World Series, and he's banging Jennifer Garner. He's just singing a dirge. Relax. You don't watch your shows, remember? I know. All right, so start acting like it. Anthony? 17.

1:24:46 Drew No, no, Anthony's playing a Ranchero Countdown.

1:24:48 Adam I know, I know. This is resetting, Drew. Anthony? So, you ready to play a little Ace's Mexican accordion Ranchero Countdown?

1:24:58 Caller Totally.

1:24:59 Adam Okay. Now, what is your pick before the accordion comes in?

1:25:05 Caller I'm thinking three seconds right now.

1:25:07 Adam It's tough to work around three. You go under, you go over. It's tough.

1:25:12 Drew I've got an extra bold ten.

1:25:13 Adam You know what three is? Three is like a fence that comes up.

1:25:18 Caller Three, hold on a second, yes.

1:25:19 Adam Three is a fence, Drew, that comes up to your chest. Do you go over it or do you try to crawl under? Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Now, when the bar's up high, you just slide under, and when it's down low, you just step under. But three, three's the one that's right in the middle. You going under that fence, you going over that fence.

1:25:38 Drew I'm going over.

1:25:38 Adam You're going over that fence?

1:25:40 Drew Yep, yep.

1:25:40 Adam What are you going for?

1:25:41 Drew Oh yeah.

1:25:43 Adam Oh my goodness.

1:25:44 Drew Oh yeah.

1:25:45 Adam Oh my goodness gracious, dear Lord, Drew. I gotta take your temperature. You're going ten. I'm going five. You got that mark down?

1:25:54 Drew Got it.

1:25:55 Adam All right.

1:25:55 Drew Ten. Fine, what'd he do, three?

1:25:56 Adam He did three. Anthony?

1:25:58 Caller Yeah.

1:25:59 Adam Are you ready to play? All right. You ready there, Chris?

1:26:03 Caller I'm ready. All right.

1:26:05 Caller Three, two, no, no, no.

1:26:08 Adam I gotta reset. We're gonna do it. We're gonna do this right. We're gonna wait till we get to, Thirty. To thirty. Three, two, one, go. Yeah, that's a, yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's, That's instant.

1:26:22 Caller It's almost instant.

1:26:24 Drew So Adam wins. Oh no, he wins. He got the three. Why do we have to hear the same songs over and over? There's a billion ranchero songs.

1:26:31 Caller It's not the same songs.

1:26:32 Drew We have heard that one before, I guarantee you.

1:26:34 Adam There's a billion ranchero songs, like McDonald's has sold a billion hamburgers. But it's the same burger.

1:26:41 Drew But we've actually heard this one before, right?

1:26:42 Adam No, we have not. No, we have not.

1:26:44 Drew I don't know.

1:26:44 Adam Turn it up. Turn it up. Because I'm going to translate this song. Okay, right now the young man, he's singing, he's lamenting. He's lamenting the fact that his father ever got him an authority on his fifth birthday and forced him to play it.

1:27:00 Caller That's it?

1:27:02 Adam Yeah, I want to know the answer.

1:27:04 Caller Big ending, big ending, big ending, that's all. Yeah, okay. Hey Anthony?

1:27:13 Caller You win.

1:27:13 Adam You now can show up at your high school or if you're home schooled, you can tell your mom that you're the first person in Loveline history to not only stump Ace and Dr. Drew on the Germany or Florida, but to actually clean up in the Ace's Rancher Accordion countdown as well. God bless you, Anthony. All right, now hear the young man sing. Yeah, he yelled, kill me. Kill me, I can't stop my hands. God, please kill me. It's like those vampire movies where the guy says, if I get bit, if I get bit, right, you've got to promise me. And they're like, but dad, no, if you see me start to turn, you put a bullet in my head or I'm gonna kill you. That's what he's singing now.

1:28:13 Caller Yeah, nice. Joke's on you, Joke's on you, Joke's on you.

1:28:16 Adam Kill me, kill me.

1:28:17 Caller Someone in the audience step up.

1:28:18 Adam Now he's begging the sound engineer to come out of the booth and stab him with a drumstick.

1:28:24 Caller Yeah, there it is.

1:28:26 Caller That's the, no, no, I'm gonna kill myself now, stop.

1:28:30 Caller Come on, we get you to do it.

1:28:32 Drew Oh my God.

1:28:33 Adam What if they played this while people were on hold on the suicide hotline?

1:28:38 Drew Oh, well, no calls.

1:28:39 Adam People had called in to look for jobs to kill themselves.

1:28:42 Caller Yes.

1:28:43 Adam Yeah?

1:28:44 Drew There you go, Jessie, 21.

1:28:46 Adam All right, Jessie.

1:28:48 Caller Hey, how's it going?

1:28:49 Adam Yeah, and I know people go, how dare you make fun of that music? Well, and I don't want to be culturally insensitive, but that music blows such incredible ass that it's important to make fun of things that suck no matter what culture there.

1:29:04 Drew All right, Jessie, what's going on?

1:29:06 Caller I'm 21, and for about the past five months, I have completely lost my sex drive. And I was wondering if it's possibly due to birth control?

1:29:17 Drew Absolutely. That's rather common, in fact. Are you on progesterone?

1:29:21 Caller I'm on the patch.

1:29:23 Drew Which, yeah, is it the first time you've been on birth control?

1:29:28 Caller No, not at all. And I actually, well, I've been on it for a year and it just started about five months ago.

1:29:33 Drew You've been on the patch for a year. And you noticed the decrease to sex drive five months ago.

1:29:39 Caller Yeah.

1:29:40 Drew Had you been on birth control before this year?

1:29:42 Caller Yes, I was on the pill for four years.

1:29:45 Drew What pill were you on?

1:29:48 Caller It was a generic one, like really, I'm sorry, I don't remember.

1:29:53 Caller All right.

1:29:53 Drew So, yes, for you, yes, the birth control pills can often do this. Usually the lower dose estrogen pills are the ones that tend to do it, but for some women the estrogen itself can drop your sex drive. Obviously mood can do it, other medical conditions, other medications also, so, because Adam won't let me speak to you, I don't know if those things are relevant.

1:30:13 Caller Ed.

1:30:13 Caller Ed?

1:30:14 Caller Yeah.

1:30:14 Adam 23, Ed's been on hold for 74 minutes, I feel bad.

1:30:18 Caller And it's now, how you doing?

1:30:20 Adam Good, Ed, let's see, you've been married for six months and you went oral sex techniques?

1:30:26 Caller Well, you see, I didn't really convey the idea correctly what the situation is. I have a problem.

1:30:32 Adam What I'm gonna need you to do for me right now, okay, so go ahead and put my penis in your mouth, okay, and start blowing, please. Okay, okay, right now. All right, go ahead, Ed, go ahead.

1:30:41 Caller All right, yeah, I've been trying and trying, been with my wife for about five years, gotten recently married. See what the problem is, I have trouble getting her to climax with just clitoral stimulation. So what I tried was actually blowing in her vagina and she blew around the room like a balloon. And I'm wondering how you stopped, something like that.

1:31:06 Adam 74 minutes on hold for that, wow.

1:31:11 Drew Speaking of blowing.

1:31:12 Adam Yeah, Ed, I'll tell you, I'll give you this.

1:31:17 Drew Perseverance.

1:31:18 Adam You're borderline retarded, but you have, you're tenacious. You're like a pit bull, 74 minutes on hold for that. God love you, Ed.

1:31:26 Caller You know how long I've been waiting to do this?

1:31:28 Adam Well, at least 74 minutes.

1:31:32 Drew There actually was a case.

1:31:33 Caller I want to talk to you about crank anchors.

1:31:34 Drew There actually was a case of a woman who got her vagina blown into and got an air embolism into the vein around the uterus and died.

1:31:42 Adam Tell my great-grandmother when. Did she blow around the room like a balloon? All right, Ed, what do you want to know about crank anchors? And if you say you want to make calls, I'm going to kill myself.

1:31:53 Caller No, no. No, I want you to take Jim Florentine off the leash. Think about the terrorizing telemarketers on crank anchors.

1:32:05 Adam All right, buddy. Okay.

1:32:06 Drew What does that mean, exactly?

1:32:08 Adam Jim Florentine is a special ed. And as well as Bobby Fletcher, the guy belches all the time. He also releases CDs, and I'm not sure what take him off the leash means. We let him do what he wants to do. Yeah, whatever. All right, we're gonna take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:32:47 Caller This hour brought you apart by acts. Experience the acts effect.

1:32:55 Adam Well, that's the show. Is that okay with you, Engineer Chris?

1:33:01 Drew Yeah, it's been a good night.

1:33:03 Adam All right, so let's just make sure we're squared off for tomorrow. It's a paid vacation for Engineer Chris if he comes in and works. If not, it's not. All right, but I'm with you. I would choose to look at it as a paid vacation where I chose not to work, therefore I didn't get paid.

1:33:20 Caller Yeah, yeah.

1:33:21 Adam Okay.

1:33:21 Caller Hi.

1:33:22 Adam Hi, I want to thank Engineer Chris for putting up with all the service and having a delightful time with us all this week. I want to thank Engineer Michelle who was in here. Wow, it seems like it's been a hundred years. I'm not sure when she was in here last, but I'll thank her anyway. I want to thank Junior, Junior, woo, woo!

1:33:39 Caller Junior. Junior.

1:33:47 Adam Lauren, Junior Producer Lauren has been doing a wonderful job on her game, by the way. Soup to nuts, soup to nuts. I'll tell you, on her game, a renewed, invigorated Producer Lauren, or I should say, Junior, Junior, Junior. Okay, I want to thank Producer Anne who doesn't need to improve her game. I want to thank Engineer Anderson for being the Liberace and Baracci of the Potentiometers, and Zeke the phone screener, and Brian the phone screener. Wait, go ahead and say, Zeke, sorry, I screwed up. So, sorry, Zeke. Until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo. I don't believe you've been dating anybody. You're way too squirrely.

1:34:30 Caller Long time no see, first time caller.

1:34:34 Adam Squirrely, buddy.

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Wednesday, November 24, 2004