Episode 1000658693293

2:15 Oh, good times.

2:30 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

2:54 Voiceover Loveline. I'm on the phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board-certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Yeah. Get it on.

3:07 Drew Uh-oh.

3:07 Adam Gotta get it on. You've been tired.

3:09 Drew You've been drinking. What's the problem?

3:11 Adam Gonna get it on. Gotta get it on. Don't eat drop trowel.

3:14 Drew You haven't got the energy to drop trowel. Don't do it.

3:16 Adam Don't do it.

3:16 Drew Adam, he will.

3:17 Chris, he will drop trowel.

3:18 Adam Watch me drop trowel.

3:19 Drew Chris, give me the knife. He said you can do it. Don't do it. I've gotta drop trowel.

3:23 Adam So, I was at the beginning of the show. I was coming home today at about 2 in the afternoon, heading up Steep Hill, Barham, or Barham Boulevard. And that's two lanes. Yeah, goes up over the pass.

3:40 Drew Two lanes each way.

3:41 Adam Two lanes each way, sorry. And goes over the pass. And cars move pretty good there. About 45, 50.

3:47 Drew There are never police there.

3:49 Adam When it's clear. When it's clear. When it's clear, people move. No. Came up on a beat up VW bus that was stalled. Okay. Now, now. You see, this is why. You know what I realized? This is why we can never go to any calls. Because I was going to start talking about this person who we helped out. And it just reminded me. Look, everybody. DRM efforts. When your car breaks down, get out of the goddamn lane. Do you understand? You're going 40. Maybe you're on the freeway and you're doing 75, 80. And yes, the car overheats or throws a timing belt or something goes wrong with the transmission. Start making your way over to the shoulder.

4:33 Drew Or they just stay in the lane and keep going?

4:34 Adam Everybody does. You see people broken down in the lane all the time.

4:38 Drew I just assume it's because they just went out. Just, pow, nothing you can do.

4:41 Adam Yeah, but what do you mean nothing? That the tires don't lock up. I mean, you've had it where you've gotten flats and you're going along the freeway and you get a blowout. You just start moving your way over. You become like a pilot coming in for crash landings. On go the hazards, on go the blinkers. Start flipping things off. They're turning things on. Signal on and start moving over.

5:02 Drew You know, I had once an electrical failure in the tunnels going out of Los Angeles on the 110. Made it over. Made it out. Just coasted.

5:12 Adam That's my point. There's two things that people do in this godforsaken town. One is they have some kind of car difficulty and act like, well, that's the end of this line. I won't be moving over the shoulder. Secondly, they get in these very small fender benders and they treat it like it's the OJ crime scene. They start running yellow tape and putting code. Get the F out of the way. You're blocking the whole intersection. Just back it out, would you? You got 30 cents worth of chrome that's been scratched. Back it out. Jesus Christ. All right. Anyway, and I don't. I got things to say. So this woman, and by the way, let me tell you something. The people who drive VW buses, and I'm talking about-

5:53 Drew Vintage?

5:54 Adam Vintage.

5:55 Drew With the windows up on the top?

5:56 Adam No, not the 22 light ones or whatever the hell they are. I'll tell you why, because those are worth like 40 grand. That's why. The people that drive VW buses are insane. There's always something wrong with them. And so, this person, we almost rear-ended, because they just were stopped, and everyone was flying up the hill, and there they are. There they are. And so, my wife's like, we gotta help them. We gotta help them. And now, meanwhile, there's a whole shoulder that they haven't managed to get into. Just a whole shoulder, and they've just taken up the lane, and people are swerving around, the person's gonna get t-bunked.

6:32 Drew Obviously, you would not have done this on your own. She makes you do it, so what happened? You get out there.

6:36 Adam My wife's like, look, we gotta... She's nuts. Leave her alone. First off, I don't know if it's a dude or a guy. It's that old greasy, long, gray hair, which... By the way, does anything scream crazy more than the greasy, straggly, gray, long hair? You know the gray hair that's greasy? Does anything scream nutty? It just shouts from the mountaintop. I'm insane! So I did that, look, it's some crazy fill-in-the-blank. I don't know if it's a guy or a dude, or I'm like, come on, let's keep driving. So we circled back, we went around, I pulled the car up in front of her, and I was like, it was a woman, and I said, look, you gotta back the car down and slide it into this shoulder. And she was like, I'll lose control, the car. I said, no, just pop it out of gear, put your foot on the brake, and just roll it down and slide it into the shoulder. She's in the right lane, and there's a whole wide open shoulder. I don't think I can do it. Do it! Just roll, you're going to get teeped, you're going to get nailed in a second. Just roll it back. By the way, once you get in the shoulder, both lanes are completely clear. You're on a steep incline. Just roll it back and tuck it in like you're parallel parking. There's no cars parked on the shoulder or anything. So she says, okay, I'll do it. So she gets in the car, and I'm sitting there in our car, parked in front of her, I'm in the lane too. First thing that happens is hazards go off, because now I'm driving. Even though the car's not running and I'm rolling toward the traffic, it's like, well, hazards off, that's enough of that. We're no longer stationary, hazards coming off. And I'm like, oh my God, the hazards are off. This thing's covered with dirt, it's like beige, and she's rolling toward the traffic now. I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to get this fireball. I'm thinking, look, first, here's what I'm doing. I snapped an ax just to start taking the plates off our car. I don't need trouble with the law, you know, when anyone dropping a dime on me. So she takes the hazards off, which is great, rolls it back, and I'm doing that thing where I'm talking. I'm looking at it, I'm talking, okay, good, good, good, good. You're rolling in, okay, cut it, cut it, cut it. Now just jams it in. So now the car sort of, the front end is hanging in, couldn't for a million years, not in a million years, couldn't turn the wheel in, couldn't just turn. 70 years old, never parallel parked in your life. Couldn't just turn it.

8:54 Drew Because you can't go forward now as you're stuck.

8:55 Adam Now you can't go forward. Now just the front end of the things hanging into the ground. God damn traffic, you know, it's okay. My wife's like, we should leave. And I'm like, she turned the hazards off. Well, maybe they just went, would you shut up? And by the way, here's my proof, they went right back on the second she wedged herself in the curb. So during the incredibly risky part of the maneuver, the hazards were off. I guess she could have like lit a smoke pod off in the back to obscure the view a little more. She didn't do that. So now she's wedged into the side of thing and she's like, look, I just put 30 bucks of gas in the car, but I was down at the Mexican market and I think they siphoned it. This is, by the way, a woman that had like a recliner and a banjo and some lawn furniture in the back of her car. And, you know, looked like she, someone broke her out of an insane asylum.

9:49 Drew Did you ask what the gauge says?

9:51 Adam The gauge is zero. No, the gauge is zero because, yeah, I said, what's it? So she gave me a gas can and we went to the gas station and...

10:01 Drew No way. You didn't do that.

10:03 Adam Yeah, went to the gas station, filled the thing up, and my wife and I had to start yelling at each other halfway. You're yelling at her.

10:14 Drew What are you talking about? She's just yelling back at you.

10:17 Adam I lifted the thing. It was a little slosh at the bottom of it. I lifted the thing off and I was sniffing it.

10:23 Drew To see if it was water or something. Of course.

10:25 Adam My wife's like, would you stop?

10:27 Would you shut up?

10:29 Adam Jesus Christ.

10:31 Drew Fill the thing up.

10:34 Adam Take it back. I can't figure out how to work the thing. I finally figured out cars are whizzing by. Of course, the front end is hanging out. She tells her to get in the car, fires it up, takes off.

10:46 Drew There was no gas.

10:48 Adam No gas. I'll tell you how you know no gas. When there's a hill involved, oftentimes no gas. Because the pickup for the tank is like in the middle of the tank. So as the car goes uphill, whatever, if you had a mouthful of gas left, it slides to the man. It's like your straw when the cups leaned over in the theater. You don't got it in the low part. She's got her gas, though. The point is, here's what this is leading to. I said to my wife, call the highway patrol or something like that. This woman looks like she has hepatitis. She's probably got a dog in there. It's going to bite me. I'm going to get cleaned out, by the way, because this chick didn't put an extra quarter in her tank because cars are flying up the hill. It's Sunday. There's no traffic. People are making time. Call the highway patrol. They should call 911. And then, of course, 911. And, of course, it was busy. And then 911 and on hold for 15 minutes. And eventually had to hang up and risk life and limb out on the highway.

11:56 Drew Our friend Beth got robbed tonight.

11:58 Adam Yes. Yes, I did.

12:00 Drew And she couldn't get through to the police.

12:03 Carolla, you call 911?

12:04 Adam Here's my point. Yes, I called 911.

12:07 Drew But now he's got a whole new rad.

12:08 You've never done that though, right?

12:10 Adam I've never called 911.

12:12 Drew You did it because the Highway Patrol told them to.

12:14 Adam Thank you. And I did it on someone else's behalf.

12:17 I know, but it's kind of exciting the first time you got to do it.

12:20 Adam It is nice that I've had my 911 cherry popped this afternoon. But I really, I didn't want to do it because that was old things. Like, don't call 911. You got a crazy brawn of micro bus out here. Let's get a tow truck. No, here's what I'm really realizing. 5% of our society monopolizes 911. It's the couple that can't get their ass together with the more domestic violence. It's the effed up old person that's got nowhere else to go and nothing to live for, picking up the phone because the neighbor is playing the stereo too loud. There's something going on. By the way, crime is supposed to be down like 50%. How come the 911 is busy? And I really do believe that there, you could ask 20 people, if they've ever called 911, between the 20 of them, you'd get, you'd average a half a call in 30 years. And then one person has called 126 times. That's the person I want to eliminate it. How come we can't single them out? What's wrong? And everyone's argument is, well, yeah, but if we start doing that, then the next time, oh, shut up. So what? They don't call the next time. And by the way, if the person actually seeing someone being stabbed or raped in the alley behind their house, I think they still will call 911, even if we gave them a little admonishment, like, hey, listen, take it easy with that stuff. You got to make sure it's a real problem.

13:41 Drew Our admonishment would be, hey, next time it's a $500 fine.

13:46 Adam Yeah.

13:47 Drew Unless there's something happening.

13:48 Adam Unless there's something happening. Or do we just need more 911 operators? What's going on? Who's calling it? Who's booking? Like, here's a deal. I don't know. My thing is, look, and I was thinking to myself, my God, if I was hiding in the closet of our bedroom as I was listening to my wife being brutally raped, because that's where I'm going to be, as I'll say for him.

14:10 Drew In the basement.

14:11 Adam In the basement. And I'm calling 911 and I'm on hold, I'll be going berserk.

14:15 Drew Of course.

14:16 Adam I'll be going berserk. Berserk because some old bitty has a cat up in a tree or wants a neighbor to turn the stereo down.

14:22 Drew How helpless you feel. How about Beth tonight? She couldn't get through.

14:26 Adam I know. A friend of ours got mugged. You'd be on hold. You were on hold. Well, we were on hold for as long as it took to get frustrated and just do it ourselves. What's going on? Can we can we rectify this? And by the way, as a city, you should not be able to pass go or collect $200. It should be like, look, we can't talk about anything until the 9-1-1. This is numero uno. This is it. Streetlights, education, I, blah. Now, oh, a subway. No, no, no. 9-1-1. Someone's got to pick up each and every time. That's it. And the discussion. And more operators, crackdown on people are calling. I think we'll find our balance. I don't know why. It's never discussed. There's never a PSA. All we do is hear these goddamn public service announcements explain about the dangers of airplane turbulence or, oh, getting your laptop stolen at the airport. They seem to be obsessed with the airport. Oh, God forbid somebody smoke on the beach, a secondhand smoke, first rate killer. We hear about everything, everything, but, hey, you old F, don't call 911 unless it means something or we'll come over there and beat your ass with the receiver. How come? There's two major things that go on in the city. The other thing is graffiti on every single sign now, every, every single, every single. Come on out to Los Angeles, everybody. You want to see graffiti on every goddamn sign, every stop sign, every yield sign, every freeway sign, every wall, every wall, every rock, every curb, every goddamn open spot in this entire FN city is filled with graffiti. And I've never heard word one about it from anybody ever. Nothing. Zero. It's, it's a non-problem.

16:06 Drew Well, it's a zero problem. It's because they're focusing on the response rate at 911. They've got it down to 20 minutes.

16:12 Adam Does this, is this city suck or is it just me? I mean, if, if I moved to Seattle, would I be thinking the same thing is, is, is it just it's just turned into like just a turd, just, it's, it reminds me of driving through Beirut. You drive on the freeway. Imagine you're driving through every single freeway, every sign, every big off ramp sign. I'm not talking about the phone box sign or the caller or the yielder. I'm talking about the big one that's over the bridge. Everyone has barbed wire and razor wire and graffiti. It's really, it's what I imagine East Berlin to be like somewhere in the mid-70s.

16:51 Drew Yes, the mid-70s.

16:52 Adam That's what I figured.

16:53 Drew Certainly not now.

16:53 Adam They take care of that. It's like some sort of a post-apocalyptic video game that you drive through and nothing. Nobody ever mentions it. Well, all we hear about is get your pet spay and neuter. Could you get your pet spay? Hi, I'm Betty White. Hey, could you get your, oh, shut up. Why can't we talk about the obvious? Let's just do this. We talk about everything else in this Godforsaken city.

17:18 Drew 9-1-1, that's a big thing. I agree with you.

17:21 Adam I couldn't imagine. And by the way, they don't know the difference between someone who needs them and someone who doesn't. 9-1-1's an emergency. If I was calling today and it was an actual emergency, somebody would be dead. Rebecca?

17:33 Yes?

17:35 Adam Fantastic. What's happening?

17:38 Oh, I don't know.

17:40 I took the morning after pill at 12 yesterday and I knew I wasn't going to be home at 12 that night when I was supposed to take the second one, Plan B or whatever.

17:50 Drew Right.

17:51 And so I took it at early.

17:54 Six hours early.

17:55 Adam Few hours early.

17:57 Six hours early.

17:58 Drew Six hours early. Six. Mm-hmm. That's interesting. I don't know what that would necessarily do to us. Because it should still work. The question is, should you take another dose? Mm-hmm. Huh.

18:12 Mm-hmm. And see, the night before, I had had unprotected sex.

18:16 Drew Yeah.

18:16 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. They did that little quick urine test thing at the doctor's.

18:21 Adam Mm-hmm.

18:22 Drew To make sure you weren't pregnant.

18:23 Yeah.

18:24 Adam You went to the doctor just to check on that?

18:27 No. I was going to the doctor to be put on birth control.

18:31 Drew Great. Excellent. What birth control pill did you get put on?

18:35 I got put on the patch and I started it today.

18:39 Drew All right. Then you should be fine. You should be fine. Yeah.

18:43 Adam Rebecca, you got that little girl voice. Everything okay?

18:46 Caller I guess.

18:47 Drew You weren't traumatized, sexually abused or anything growing up?

18:50 Caller No.

18:53 Adam But you are calling from Riverside. That's a form of abuse. All right, baby doll. Yeah. But you know, as much as I make fun of Riverside, I bet you call 911 in Riverside so one picks up the phone.

19:06 Drew Probably right.

19:07 Adam Yeah. Look, and here's the thing. Everybody's like, well, you know, the system is overtaxed. We just don't, we don't have the money. By the way, I can't figure out what we have the money for and what we don't have the money for.

19:24 Drew This is why the Valley wants to secede because that's the Valley we're talking about.

19:28 Adam We don't have the money. We don't really, you buy a new fleet of goddamn right hand drive chevettes for the meter made pussies every year. You don't have the money? Well, one of those chevettes would keep someone in an operator seat for a year. How about that? Number one. Number two, don't care about that part. I'm interested and put my foot in the ass of the guy who has 15 calls in the last 14 months. You know that guy? That's who I once talked. I'm going with elderly. I'm going with old. A little crazy. I'm going to try to figure it out. I don't blame the ethnicities for this one, Drew. I blame for the reason they make the call, but not for the one who's actually calling. And that's the guy I'm interested in.

20:15 Drew You know what I'm saying? I think the real perpetrators are younger types.

20:18 Adam Really?

20:19 Drew I bet you. What are you talking about? The guy hitting the neighbor's mail bags with a baseball bat. That's that guy.

20:24 Adam He's not making the call.

20:25 Drew Well, he's creating his family.

20:27 Adam That's the family. All right. There are two elements that need to be squashed. There's the one guy who gets in the huge blowout with his old lady. Every single time he drinks a 12-pack, and that's three times a week, so the cops get summoned to the house constantly. These guys are just sort of perpetual summoners. If someone wants to keep coming out to the house, there's that one. But then there's the people who feud with their neighbors and use the cops as their whatever, and then there's the ones who just have the cops do their sort of legwork for them. Like, I don't want to go to the neighbor's house and tell them to turn the stereo down or tell them to quit working on his Camaro in the garage after the streetlights are on, so I'll just call 911 and get the cops to go do it.

21:08 Drew Three different guys. And they have three different categories.

21:10 Adam And by the way, shouldn't we just have a 9-1-2 for the chicken-ass stuff, which has got to be 90% of it, and leave the 9-1-1 for the emergency stuff?

21:18 Drew It's a great idea.

21:19 Adam I can't be the first person to think of this. By the way, there's an old crazy woman in a VW bus who stalled in Toluca Lake, and the highway patrol says, call 9-1-1. Using that logic, who can't call 9-1-1 for what? Do you know what I'm saying?

21:36 Drew Yes, that's right.

21:37 Adam I made a solid BM with, call 9-1-1. I got a brain freeze. I drank my smoothie too fast. 9-1-1. There's not a 9-1-2. We don't want a difference between the one, the woman, old crazy woman who's running out of gas and the person who's hiding in their bedroom because they just heard the window break and someone's coming up the stairs. No difference? No difference? No.

22:03 Drew Can't judge, can't judge, can't judge, same.

22:06 Adam I gotta think of this?

22:07 I'm looking at this thing online right now, and it has like a breakdown of the number of calls. And it's just under 500,000 calls per year for this one little, they don't give me the area, but it's a small little area. And about one fifth of those calls are non-emergencies, and 23,000 of them are wrong numbers. How do you call 911 wrong number though?

22:27 Drew Somebody may have a speed dial there or something.

22:29 Adam Here's what it is, you're drunk and you're stupid, and you're thinking 411. And by the way, should we have them be that close? Should we go ahead? I mean, what percentage of retards are gonna do the 411 when they mean the 911 and vice versa? Do you know what I'm saying?

22:45 Drew Several thousand obviously.

22:47 Adam Look, hold on, close my eyes and picture my entire family, all right? They're doing it. That's what it is. That's 911 operator picks up and my mom's saying, where's the ore box in Van Nuys?

23:01 Drew Four fifths are actual emergencies, Anderson.

23:04 That's what they're claiming, yeah.

23:06 Drew They don't tell us what the one fifth non-emergencies are.

23:08 They don't define an emergency.

23:10 Adam And by the way, the actual emergencies aren't actual.

23:13 Drew Right, half of those aren't emergency.

23:14 Adam Not even half. All right, let's just mark it out.

23:17 Drew The calendar signing, Adam and I were at this weekend. Non-emergency ambulance visit.

23:22 Adam Yeah, oh, true angry. Talk about that next week.

23:24 This is from an area, a total landline, 780,000, and then almost 500,000 phone calls. So almost every single phone had a phone call from. I mean, not really. I mean, not really.

23:36 Drew Well, no. If it were spread out equitably, yes.

23:39 Adam This is my point. There's 700 lines. 700 lines. There's 500 phone calls. 500, yeah. And 10,000 people made 475,000 of the calls. That's what I know to be true in life. And these people f it up for all of us and we just go right along with it. And by the way, all the laws that are in place are because of this small 5% A hole.

24:02 Drew But the way the laws are configured now, they protect the 5% A hole.

24:05 Adam That's right.

24:05 Drew They don't hold them to accountability.

24:07 Adam They need to be squashed.

24:08 411 costs money. All you got to do is if it's not an emergency, 911 will cost you money.

24:12 Drew Absolutely.

24:12 It'll cost you like 15, 20 bucks.

24:14 Drew More than that. What does?

24:16 It's a buck for 411.

24:17 Drew So you've got to give them a 911 charges for non-emergency calls.

24:20 Adam Yeah. I'm with you. Alan? 23?

24:26 Drew I think time is over.

24:27 Adam What's up?

24:29 Yeah, I actually have possibly two questions, but the second one is probably not going to be important. First one is me and my girlfriend, we have problems with doing doggy style, going in from behind.

24:46 Adam By the way, I've been here for coming on 10 years, Drew's been here for 20 years. Doggy style? We got it. Behind, hold on, stop the presses, behind.

25:02 Drew Doing it from behind.

25:03 Adam Doing it from behind? Let's hold on a second.

25:06 Drew What is that?

25:07 Adam Just doing it.

25:08 Drew Describe that. What's he talking about?

25:09 Adam I can't picture it.

25:26 Drew All right, so, sorry, doggy style, and you can't, now what's the difficulty? I can suggest that she's having some sort of muscular spasm when she's in that position that maybe it's uncomfortable to her. Maybe she's sort of pushing it out. She's anticipating it being uncomfortable, she tightens up, you know, spasming, and that's that. Lockout.

25:46 Adam Yeah, well, does it feel, can you feel any contraction or anything, Alan? Not really. Drew, what do you mean, locked down, what do you mean?

25:56 Drew Vaginism is like, it's just an anticipation of uncomfortable experiences.

26:00 Adam Is that what it feels like, or does it feel like you can't find the angle? All right, he's bored with his own question.

26:11 Drew Let's hear what his second question is.

26:12 Adam No, are you kidding? Are you kidding? How about you just stab yourself in the neck with this pen? Would that be better?

26:19 Drew That's good.

26:21 Adam I bet it would be better radio. All right, let's take a break. Let's get it on, too.

26:25 Drew Let's break it down.

26:27 Adam We've got a Germany or Florida when we come back today, you know, we went out, signed some calendars this weekend and this accordion countdown, sweeping the nation. Now let me explain something. Let me explain some how I work. I usually don't have any feedback on anything we do because I never talked to anybody about anything and there's no one I know listens to the show. Once in a while, we get a little feedback and it's usually that sucks, it's lame, it's lame, and it sucks. And then if one person out of hundreds says they like it, that's good for another five years of doing a bit. Well, you kids are in trouble now because we had almost everyone come up to us and say they love the Aces, Mexican, Ranchero, Accordion, Countdown.

27:10 Drew And I would say the majority of those were of Hispanic descent.

27:14 Adam Well, there were some descent. It was hard to tell what they were. LA now is just such a hodgepodge of descents that we're all descending into hell. I don't even know what it is.

27:25 Drew It's black and white, Hispanic and black.

27:29 Adam Let me tell you what LA is. It used to be a fruit salad where everything was on top of each other, but you could tell the difference between the grapes and the melon. It just got put in a blender and now it's just a brown puree. I don't even know what it is. It tastes good. It's good.

27:45 Drew It gets along fine.

27:46 Adam It gets along fine, but it's just a brown puree. I don't even know what it is. Don't care. I'm going to win the Ranchero Countdown, all right? All right. Take a quick break. You see, engineer Chris is exactly like what I'm talking about. He's one of those smoothies. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

28:05 Thank you for calling Loveline.

28:06 Caller Your call will be answered in the order it seems interesting.

28:22 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-1-9-1-er. You see AMAs tonight?

28:32 Drew About three minutes of it.

28:33 Adam American Music Awards?

28:34 Drew I saw Kathy Griffin.

28:36 Adam Oh, she was on that?

28:37 Drew Trying to marry Clay Aiken.

28:39 Adam I didn't see that bit.

28:41 Drew In a white wedding dress, trying to marry him.

28:43 Adam Jimmy Kimmel host, of course, and it was good. Just the part I saw, at least, I didn't see the whole thing.

28:49 Drew Where was it?

28:51 Adam It's at the shrine, as far as I know. I was there last year, and not in the audience, but just backstage, writing some jokes, and a aging Dick Clark stormed into the small room I was in, watching a monitor at a certain point, like during a commercial, and looked at me and said, Jimmy, get out there! All right, old man, I'll go out there. I may drop the F-bomb. Now, it's hard to tell whether he just saw us both on the man show, and just sort of did one of those things, or it just was sort of dark, and I looked like him.

29:24 Drew No, no, no, he just didn't, couldn't, you know.

29:27 Adam I don't understand, and by the way, let me tell you something about Dick Clark. He's 75 years old. He has, well, some people say $250 million, $300 million. He's, you know, somewhere around in the quarter billion mark. Everybody, and this society is like, and he still goes to work every day. Oh, my God. You know what? He gets up in the morning, he goes to work. We respect that. I think you're a nut job. And not only a nut job, there's something about your wife you don't like, or your family, or whatever it is you're looking to get out of the house. And people respect that. Look, you got $300 million and you're 75 years old. You should be looking for ways to burn through it before you go. All right, now quiet down. Quiet down. I know. Drew's going to go, Oh, look, what are you supposed to do?

30:17 Drew No, no, no, no. I would say...

30:18 Adam You should be setting up charities. You should be looking for cures.

30:22 Drew You should not be trying to make $310 million. You should be trying to set up altruistic organizations for people and give yourself a little low-key structure to pay back society.

30:31 Adam And forget that crap where I'm giving 500 grand to sickle cell research. I'm doing the 911 thing. I'm saying, listen, everybody, you see these lackeys behind me? They're each getting 28 grand a year. You know all they're going to be doing? They're going to be answering the phone. Now, by the way, with the $1 million I donate, I can have 10 of these guys going for 30 years.

30:56 Drew Well, we have two 911 operators and a paramedic on the line.

30:59 Adam Yeah.

31:00 Drew Let's see what's going on.

31:01 Adam Meanwhile, people are dying and he's on hold.

31:05 Drew Let's start with Ray, the 911 operator. Because he's from a big city. Ray.

31:11 Adam Ray, hey, Adam Drew. What's happening, brother, man?

31:15 Drew If this guy answered the phone, I would die.

31:19 Adam What's happening? So you're a 911 operator?

31:22 Actually, I work as a medic in San Jose.

31:24 Guest And I've been listening to your story and I was just blown away.

31:28 And it's so true.

31:29 Guest You guys have been listening and taking calls from stupid people for 15 years. There are hundreds and millions and millions and millions of people out there that call 911 for BS, the last call we had. A guy called 911 because he had lint in his belly button. And it freaked him out. And he wants to go to the emergency room, have it looked at. Right, right.

31:48 Adam And my feeling is, is it's your prerogative to call... Look, I can stand up in a crowded theater and start yelling fire. There's nothing you can do to stop me from doing that. If there's no fire, I'm going to get arrested.

32:02 Drew Now, you're not being facetious. This is actually somebody calling with the lint in the belly button. That's how entitled and nutty people are.

32:10 Adam And here's the thing. Once we weed you out as one of the nut jobs who does it, you lose your 911 privileges.

32:18 Drew And you know nut job is two kind of terms. It does disservice to nutty people. It's something else. We need a new term for it. Self-entitled A-hole.

32:27 Adam Here's my point. You get, here's the thing. You can have, it's like the three strikes rule. You get a couple of questionable calls to 911 and then you're out. No longer. We don't respond. I don't care if you're calling and say you're on fire and being raped and being stabbed. And the penis that's going in you is on fire. You get nothing. Have a nice day. We hang right up on you. I really do believe that there's just a small percentage of this society that's effing it up for everyone else. And instead of squashing that very small percentage, so all the same people can have an enjoyable life, we dance around them and accommodate them. We empower them. And we're like, if somebody said, look, I want to make some sort of legislation that if you call 911, it's a bogus call. It's going to cost you 500 bucks. How about that? There'd be all these left wing pusses coming out, ACLU and everyone. Well, then people are going to be frightened. You get slippery.

33:24 Guest But people who call don't have money.

33:27 Adam I know.

33:28 Drew It doesn't matter anyway.

33:28 Guest You're right. I know.

33:29 Adam I know. That's why I only want you guys to roll on car calls for taxpayers. That's another one, too. I got to see a stub. I got to see a recent pay stub.

33:40 Guest Recent pay stub.

33:41 Adam And by the way, do you have to put recent in front of pay stub? If I'm going to see a pay stub, do you see one from 1934?

33:46 Drew I know it's not what I want to see.

33:48 Adam That's right. Working on Transcontinental Railroad.

33:52 Guest Anything we're running on.

33:54 Drew All right.

33:55 Adam So you are a...

33:56 Drew By the way, it would be a good way to nail the ultra-rich people, too, that don't pay taxes.

34:03 Adam Yeah.

34:03 Drew People that find ways out of paying taxes. I think it's your right to the services.

34:07 Guest But at least they do find rights to the hospital. They've got their auntie who's got millions of dollars. At least they can find a ride. It's the people who are cold, who want to ride to the hospital, that eat up everybody's tax dollars. It's unbelievable.

34:20 Adam Right. All right. Well, I just... You're an EMT?

34:24 Guest Paramedic.

34:25 Adam Paramedic. What's the difference between an EMT and a paramedic?

34:30 Guest Paramedic can push drugs, and EMTs can't.

34:33 Adam When you say push, you mean put something into somebody.

34:36 Guest That's right. All the drugs...

34:37 Adam Okay. Good. Okay, because I'm talking about a little something called mercy killing. I'm just talking about taking out the garbage, you know what I mean? Let's just... Remember, a little weed and seed process, you know what I mean? Guy calls up, maybe it's the third or fourth time you've seen the guy. Another bogus call. He's got the lint in the belly button. He's on disability. He's been sucking off the teat of the state for a couple of years now. Beat the crap out of his old lady. Just a little something in the IV, a little air, a little something. Just put him down. Keep moving. Society's not going to miss him. We've got an operator freed up now. This old lady, it's on the mend. You know what I mean? Save a few bucks from the government.

35:18 Drew It's good times.

35:19 Adam A little mercy killing. John?

35:23 Guest Yeah, John.

35:24 Adam You're 21?

35:25 Guest Yep, 21 in Tacoma Air. How's it going?

35:28 Drew Tacoma, Washington.

35:30 Guest Yes, Tacoma, Washington. Yep, an actual 911 dispatcher.

35:35 Adam And is there a difference between a 911 operator and a 911 dispatcher? Is that the same thing?

35:41 Guest No, pretty much the same thing. There's two worlds to 911. One is the taking calls from the public, and then the other is actually dispatching police and fire out to whatever you need them to go to.

35:53 Drew You do both?

35:54 Guest Yeah, we do both.

35:55 Guest We circulate between the different positions on a shift.

35:58 Adam And by the way, hold on a second, by the way, if you, if you know, they'll, after the crime, they'll release the 911 call, you know, they'll play the 911 call, so it's, so it's horrifying. Here's what mine would sound like today. What? What's going on? I'm on hold. Oh, all right. Crazy old brah. Should we go home? You want us to go home? Are you still on hold?

36:27 Drew I'm on hold.

36:33 Adam Still on?

36:33 Drew Yeah.

36:34 Adam All right, and then an argument. You'd hear an argument in the background. And they may release the tape, yeah. All right, so now you're calling from Washington.

36:46 Drew We're not saying that all 911, by the way, is faulty. We're saying in the city of Los Angeles, it's particularly distressing.

36:51 Adam Tell us how it works in Tacoma.

36:54 Guest Well, basically, you have a population like about a million people or so, and I'm in the Tacoma area. I don't want to say exactly where I am, but you have a population about a million people, and at any time, you can have between three to 15 people taking calls for that one million population. So if you could just imagine some catastrophe happening, you can get 300 people calling at once, and that's why you can get so many hold calls. And I can imagine in Los Angeles, you'd have a huge amount of those.

37:24 Adam Yeah, well, I would imagine that because our city is 25 times the size, we'd probably have four more operators, by the way. I could imagine that. And most of them have a difficulty with the language. I'm fully prepared. There's nobody I've ever spoken to on the phone in this city that doesn't have a little bit of difficulty with the language. So that would be the final.

37:47 Drew Even if English is the only language they speak.

37:48 Adam That would be the final insult as I'm being ritualistically murdered in my own home.

37:54 Drew Sonomized with the flaming penis.

37:55 Adam Flaming penis, yeah. Yeah, so you guys have now, now how often if you call into coma is the line busy? Or do you have any way of knowing?

38:06 Guest Well, we don't, I don't have access to the statistics, but it does happen. And it happens more so during the daytime because that's when it's most active.

38:14 Drew But John, you understand something. It only happens here. Hold is what you get when you call, period.

38:20 Adam What about-

38:21 Drew Absolutely. And I would say, I've heard people say 20 minutes is not unreasonable. And we had a friend, Rob, tonight. It was on hold for 20 minutes.

38:27 Adam What about the difference between a, you guys don't have a difference between 911 and another number that you could call for a general dispute? Yes, there is.

38:38 Guest There is. There's 911 and then there's the 10 digit 911, which you can call from LA and you can get our 911 center. And then there's the non-emergency number, which it seems nobody ever uses.

38:49 Guest That's the PSA.

38:51 Guest That's the PSA right there.

38:53 Adam That's what we need. That's the public service announcement. Not just call, please call 911, which is, please don't call 911 unless it's an emergency.

39:04 Drew Life-threatening.

39:07 Adam Emergency. Attention all tards. Call the other number to your heart's content. Don't call 911 unless it's an emergency. And by the way, if you do call 911 and it's not an emergency charge, there's gonna be a penalty. That's all. No, we don't have that one here. We do have, we have us.

39:25 Drew When did we decide that you don't create forces to mold people into proper behavior? You know what I mean? We spent 30 years of deciding people.

39:34 Adam 1969.

39:35 Drew Yeah, 65% of the time we decided that people need to be supported in disgusting aberrant behavior. That's what we need people to be reinforced for.

39:43 Adam Right.

39:44 Drew Not shaped into something that's good for all of us.

39:49 Adam All I'm saying is all this horrible city we live in known as Los Angeles, the only public service announcements you ever see is secondhand smoke. The secondhand smoke and then there's this sort of general one which is people of a thousand different races and every different gender telling you not to discriminate against people with AIDS. You know, that's sort of like, look, if I was planning on a hate crime.

40:16 Drew Do you go for an AIDS patient?

40:19 Adam No, this commercial's not gonna stop me. And by the way, I'm not, and I'm semi-insulted that I'm sitting here watching you, having you explain to me that I shouldn't discriminate against whatever, that's all we do. Just chicken ass, this nonsense sort of pie in the sky, smoke in the ass, make everyone feel good. Hey, we went and did something. We got people not to discriminate against people with AIDS. Whatever that means, and by the way, like I said, do you think that really works? Do you think it ever works? Do you think there's a guy who's planning on going out and putting open a can of whoop ass in a hospice who's decided, yeah, you know what? Nah, I'm gonna put the Seal Club down and I'm gonna go ahead and tune in to NPR tonight and say, well, let's listen to a little public radio. Maybe I'll read a good book, have a bottle. I got a bottle of Chardonnay, I'm gonna mean it open. Really? Is that how it's gonna work? No, it's just a bunch of feel good crap. That's all we ever do. But we never do the, hey, hey, hole, don't call this number, call that number, you're gonna get fined.

41:16 All right, that's it.

41:17 Adam Okay, all right. We have another one too, which is trying to convince illegals not to fall asleep on railroad tracks. That's the other one too. It's like, look, when this thing comes down and the light flashes and the thing comes down and then the gate drops and the vault door closes, don't drive your pickup truck around it and try to race the train. That's that one too. It's just sort of, we have these sort of Darwinian ones where like we try to convince people not to kill themselves by doing retarded things. Let's take a little break here, Drew. And then some Germany or Florida. I'll tell you when we come back and then we got the accordion countdown. It's more show than we can squeeze into the next hour and 15 minutes.

41:55 Drew All that. Certainly not that with any rants. No, no.

41:58 Adam All that after this. Loveline. You know, Drew, smelling good is more than a smell, it's an attitude.

42:07 Drew It's true, Adam.

42:08 Adam It is?

42:09 Drew I know how to get that attitude, too.

42:11 Adam How? Break down?

42:12 Drew Axe, deodorant, body spray.

42:27 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1-er. All right, it's time to play the game that is, let's take it a little backseat two ways, as Max and Rich are recording Countdown, but it's always number one in our hearts. Yes, Drew?

42:43 Things are sick and twisted from too much fun and Nazis, sex, meth, and death fetishes. Both of them have got these. Guaranteed not to bore you, Germany or Florida.

42:52 Drew And I think it's that theme that puts it over the top.

42:53 Adam It's time for another big round of Germany or Florida. John? What's happening, brother man?

42:59 All right. Looking up for, looking for Germany or Florida on the internet tonight. Oh, before I say this, the Ranchero countdown, I can understand why it's sweeping the nation. I like it a lot too. But what I think it lacks is audience participation like Germany or Florida. I think you should have a car come in and play it with you.

43:16 Drew Ooh, John Touche. Well, just since you pointed that out, I think the gauntlet is down, Adam.

43:27 Adam Let me say this, Drew. First off, John 17, Greenhorn. Secondly, calling from Chicago. There's nothing about Ranchero music where I've had it rammed at my ass for the last 30 years in this city.

43:40 Caller And all I hear all day is Ranchero music.

43:43 Adam All right, all right.

43:43 Caller I'm building a castle right next to my little white trash home.

43:46 Adam All right, you think you know. You think you know. All right, just for that, yeah, we're gonna play around with you, John. And you know what? It's gonna be winter take all.

43:54 Drew And by the way, Adam, I've told you nothing says Chicago in the winter like Ranchero music.

43:59 Adam That's true. All right, John, give us your Germany, Florida, and then we'll play around of Ace's Max and Ranchero countdown.

44:06 Caller All right, well, this will take a little time, a bit less than a minute, but there's a couple of good quotes towards the end. All right, an artist has written to local zoos asking if they would feed his body to piranhas once he's dead. The 56 year old said he came up with the idea after reading about a man.

44:19 Adam Did you say local zoos or zulus?

44:22 Caller Zoos.

44:24 Drew Local zoos, all right, keep going.

44:25 Caller Yeah, it'd be cool if zoos had piranhas. The 56 year old said he came up with the idea after reading about another man who wanted to be fed the snails. The artist said he liked the idea but wanted something that would gobble him up a bit quicker. He justifies his appeal by saying it could have educational purposes if, for example, it was done in front of a group of biology students. Here's a couple of neat quotes. At least one zoo director said, even if he agreed, it would probably not work. He said, it's a great idea, but if you want to carry it out for educational purposes, then it would be better if you were to feed, fed to the piranhas alive. They're not as keen on dead flesh. The artist, however, is still hoping to hear from other zoos that may be more open to his proposal. He said, they could always poke my body with sticks to get me moving, get the fish interested.

45:06 Adam Okay, well, listen, I know what this one is.

45:11 Drew Really?

45:12 Adam Hour in advance.

45:12 Drew Really?

45:14 Caller What?

45:14 Adam Germany.

45:15 Drew I was thinking Germany, too, but the poking with sticks.

45:17 Adam It's Germany. I'm going Germany, Drew.

45:24 Drew I'll have to go with you.

45:25 Adam Germany. Germany. Yeah, first off, I don't think we have piranhas in zoos. Secondly.

45:32 Drew Piranhas don't eat, don't do what they're alleged to do. I know. The allegations, the movie version is somebody sticks his hand in, they pull out a skeleton.

45:40 Adam That's right.

45:40 Drew Pull out their bones.

45:41 Adam Right.

45:42 Drew No, piranhas like chew on, gnaw on things.

45:44 Adam Yeah, everything is more boring than what the movies make it out to be. And everything just turns, you know, the air.

45:50 Drew You got it, John's got a chance to take you on here.

45:52 Adam All right, John, now, engineer, that's my favorite part about this job, is when I look over to engineer Chris and he just sits there and looks at me.

46:02 Drew What's going on?

46:03 Adam How are we doing on Ranchero music?

46:06 Drew Got it queued up.

46:07 Adam Feel good, huh? All right, so I will cue you, don't play it before that. John?

46:12 Caller Yes.

46:12 Drew Place your bet.

46:13 Adam All right, place your bet, brother.

46:15 Caller Um, three and a half seconds.

46:19 Adam Three and a half.

46:20 Drew One of these guys have break down the seconds.

46:22 Guest All right, Drew, you go ahead.

46:23 Adam Do you have any thoughts? All right, I'm going, I've had a lot of luck with my seven and eight ones, but I'm going crazy, I'm going immediate.

46:32 Drew And who was it? Oh, that's what I wanted to do, but who was it that told us that what made, you were talking about how it makes this difficult, isn't there's no teaming up on this one? Yeah. You can't arrive at a consensus.

46:41 Adam You can't agree with anybody.

46:42 Drew All right, I'm gonna go in between two seconds.

46:44 Adam Two seconds for Drew. All right, now I will count you down. You ready, Chris? Three, two, no, wait a minute. I passed, okay, we'll go, we wanna go on five or we wanna go on a good- Double zero. All right, you ready? Three, two, one, go.

47:03 Drew Oh, Chris.

47:34 Adam Seven and a half, eight seconds.

47:36 Drew I can't control the CD player, man. That goes without saying. No ask.

47:43 Adam All right, so John. Yeah? You won because I went zero, Drew went two, and as it turns out, it was my beloved seven or eight seconds that it landed on.

48:05 Drew Oh, Chris.

48:05 Adam Well, John is underneath at 3.5. All right, buddy. Too shame. But a very, very good point you bring up there, Drew, which is no point. All right, John, you won, buddy. What can I say? You not only did you have a superb Germany or Florida, but you came in here and you mopped up. And by the way, two formidable foes in Drew and myself who are seasoned aces, Mexican, Ranchero, accordion, countdown players, you came in and you mopped up the floor with them. God bless you, brother. Thank you. You're gonna be the hit of high school.

48:37 Drew Enjoy that Ranchero music all winter long.

48:39 Adam Please, it's wonderful. Warms the cockles of the heart and makes you wanna kill yourself. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

48:46 Caller All right, guys, bottom line, here's the deal.

48:48 Guest Looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

48:52 Caller One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

48:54 Drew 877-889-DATE.

49:08 Adam This hour brought you a part by Axe.

49:10 Experience the Axe Effect.

49:26 Adam Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Feeling pretty good about myself after the Germany or Florida, and then the Ranchero, Accordion, Countdown, Kate, Dan, and Pow.

49:37 Drew Yeah, we messed that one completely. I blame Chris.

49:41 Adam I did too.

49:41 Drew Pick a better song next time.

49:42 Adam I blame Chris.

49:43 Drew It's not typical. We need typical Ranchero song.

49:45 Adam No, that was Ranchero.

49:46 Drew The typical Ranchero does not go for three seconds without an accordion.

49:49 Adam Let me explain something.

49:52 Drew All right.

49:53 Guest It was from our CD.

49:54 Adam So it's a valid point.

49:56 Guest It's a valid point.

49:56 Adam But let me say this, Drew. Let me tell you what a true champion does. He doesn't complain. He doesn't argue. He doesn't point fingers. He doesn't point fingers. He doesn't make excuses. He does not judge. And let me tell you something. I always like these adages. When you point a finger, there's four more pointing back at you. I like that one. One is, well, first off, there's not four more because my thumb isn't turned back toward. My thumb is actually going toward the person I'm pointing at. If you really think about your thumb.

50:23 Drew It's going towards heaven anyway.

50:24 Adam Yeah, it's certainly, it's going the direction Fonzie's goes. It ain't coming back toward you at all. And then the other ones that are pointing back, first off, I'm not sure what that means.

50:35 Drew I always thought it meant that it meant if you pointed somebody, judge not, lest ye be judged. I think that's what it is.

50:40 Adam I think it does. It's just one of those retardo-isms that people like to throw out there. It doesn't mean anything. And by the way, does it count when you're pointing, let's for instance, you're helping someone park their car or they're back in a van up or something and you're pointing.

50:56 Drew I immediately see four fingers come back.

50:57 Adam Back, so you would actually, you would drive toward the person then.

51:01 Drew Right.

51:02 Adam Instead of the direction they're pointing. Because it's a four to one thing.

51:05 Drew Right.

51:06 Adam That's how that works.

51:07 Drew All right, all right.

51:09 Adam You ready to hop on the phones here? Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian. 65 minutes on hold. Oh, shut up. And don't pout now. Lindsay. See? Lindsay, for the love of Christ, you've been on hold for 65 minutes. I'm in a good mood, so I thought I would talk to you and put you out of your misery. Are you there? All right. Now, did you fall asleep? Yeah, and don't give me that crap. We should get rid of her if we don't wanna get rid of her. I just, I don't want someone on hold for two hours. They've already been on hold for over an hour.

51:48 Drew I think a policy ought to be if somebody's been on hold for more than an hour, they ought to be released.

51:51 Adam Yeah, but then it's sad because they've been on hold for an hour and then we don't even get to talk to anybody. It's like calling 911. All right, now Lindsay is calling from Little Rock and probably fell asleep, so I guess we should just cast her to the wind. Danielle, or Daniel. No, wait a minute, Danielle. What's happening, baby doll?

52:12 Hi, when I first started having sex, I used to be able to have orgasms in every position relatively quickly, and now I have, I can really only have orgasms when I'm in missionary and when I have to tighten my muscles and my legs.

52:30 Caller Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

52:31 Drew Are you on medication?

52:33 No.

52:34 Drew No birth control pill?

52:35 Well, yes, I'm sorry, I'm on orthotricyclin.

52:39 Drew Some people notice a diminish, they can have a new strive and or change the orgasmic function. It's not particularly common what you're describing, but that can happen. Has it been associated with when you started the pill?

52:51 No, it just started happening maybe like two years ago and I've been on the pill for about maybe five years.

52:57 Drew Okay, and you didn't change the type of pill two years ago?

53:01 Adam Is that the commercial where all the chicks are dancing?

53:04 Drew It must be.

53:05 Adam Yeah, they're, by the way, the whole thing, like all these birth control and herpes, they're doing everything but getting light, everything but doing what the stupid pill is for. And there's never dude even close. They're just out doing, they're standing in front of a paint, a tarp that's been covered with paint, and they're spinning a ribbon around in slow motion. Hey baby, get on your back, would ya? Put this pill to work.

53:29 Drew Well, speaking of being on the back, that's what Danielle now is stuck with.

53:32 Adam Yeah.

53:33 Drew And are you with the same guy through all this? Yes. So it's over this two years, how long have you been with this guy?

53:40 Seven years.

53:41 Drew Seven years.

53:42 Adam Ooh, uh-oh. Magic wand, the power of the magic wand may be wearing off.

53:48 Drew Well, like you said, the wand may be diminishing, but how often are you guys having sex?

53:53 Yes.

53:54 Drew How often?

53:56 Maybe four to five times a week.

53:59 Adam Wow, seven years.

54:01 Drew Maybe you try a little abstinence, like let it build up a little bit, see if you have a easier time.

54:08 Adam I've just done the math. They've been together for seven years. He's given it to her four or five times a week. Imagine where he was in month two of the relationship.

54:18 Drew Where he was in terms of how often you meet?

54:22 Adam What are you doing, 128 times a week? We're down to just six times now. I mean, seriously, seven years, you got four or five times a week going after seven years? Yeah. I wonder if they were at some crazy number. Danielle?

54:40 Yes.

54:41 Adam Where were you month two of the relationship sex-wise?

54:47 We were in a long-distance relationship. We went to two different universities.

54:52 Drew But when did you finally get together?

54:56 About...

54:57 Drew Three days ago. Two years ago.

54:58 No, it was 2000.

55:02 Drew All right, and so what was the number when you finally hooked up regularly?

55:09 Well, when we saw each other every day.

55:11 Drew Yes.

55:11 Well, when we first saw each other every day, it was like...

55:13 Adam All right, that's every day. Five times a day. But here's the other thing, too. You can't count, it's not a seven-year relationship if you didn't see each other for the first three years.

55:21 Drew It's a three-year relationship.

55:22 Adam Or four-year, whatever it is. All right, try it again.

55:26 Drew It may just be settling into their rhythm. It's not as though they're not into each other, you know what I mean? It's just things do sort of become less novel and less arousing as people would get used to things. And for her, maybe it was more exciting at the beginning. That's why it was more apt to be multi, whatever position. Now she's just down to one position. And also still, her rhythm may be different than his. She may need a couple days in between. And she's never giving herself that chance to kind of recharge the battery, so to speak. And just try, see what happens if you take a week off and then get back and see where you are.

56:01 Adam Right, they are advertising these birth control pills like crazy now.

56:05 Drew The patches and stuff?

56:06 Adam Patches, and they're doing the pills too, like the triphasic pills or whatever the hell. Whenever it's a feminine product, I have to sit there and get out my slide rule to figure out what part of the vagina we're talking about, what's going on. Is there an infection? Are we getting it on? Is there a breakout?

56:27 Drew Are we preventing pregnancy?

56:28 Adam Is it a tampon? Is there a mess in the underpants? We'll never know, by the way, from the commercial. I have to wait for the disclaimer at the end. That's the only way I can tell. When they start talking about projectile vomiting and acid, ass flux, reflux, and stuff, I know then I start realizing it's a pill. But in the meantime, it's just a, it's a, it's a benetton of ethnicities at the potter's wheel, doing a little mountain biking, doing a little taibo and some kickboxing, maybe working out, never a dude in sight, never.

56:58 Drew Well, but we've got to remember, here's the deal. The Adam, think about this. They are marketing to women.

57:02 Adam That's right.

57:03 Drew And what women respond to, They don't need a dude. But here, what women respond to, and I think about this, is women having experiences.

57:10 Adam Yeah.

57:10 Drew Women doing things, seeing a woman, they're attracted and aroused by women having these idealized experiences. That's me. That's where I'll be. When I take this pill, I'll be in the taibo expert.

57:20 Adam Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take the birth control pill and then make that ashtray on the potter's wheel. I've always been looking, looking to make.

57:27 Drew I think it's why women aren't so aroused. It's sort of how the wiring works with porn too, because when women are aroused by porn, sometimes they're more aroused by what's happening to the woman. They're looking at a woman having a pleasurable experience. That's arousing.

57:38 Adam Yeah.

57:39 Drew Be like, be like the guy, as a guy watching the porn and being interested in the guy, whatever the guy's doing.

57:44 Adam Yeah, wrong, only Chris does that.

57:47 Drew No, not even Chris.

57:48 Adam Not even Chris. No, can't afford porn. But if he could, that's what he would be watching. Yeah, just a bunch of chicks doing nothing and I'm not sure, but they're sort of hot. But I'll tell you one thing they never, there's two things you'll never see. You'll never see in any of those commercials. You'll never see a dude anywhere around and you'll never see a chick with a halfway decent rack on him. It's always very modestly, chest, always attractive, beautiful, beautiful. That's right, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful eyes. Beautiful eyes, very sensible haircuts.

58:19 Drew Women like that.

58:20 Adam They like that hair.

58:21 Drew They like who they're looking at.

58:22 Adam No, no, have a good rack. Never a good rack. No, that would be wrong.

58:24 Drew It's not for girls.

58:25 Adam It's not sexual.

58:26 Drew Well, because if they see that, you know what the thing? That bitch.

58:29 Adam Just show some guy. Show some guy.

58:32 Drew It's off-putting to a woman.

58:33 Adam Show some guy in like tight pants with a pine mountain log shoved in there, just walking in slow motion at the camera. Black dude. With a bitch of bass line.

58:42 Drew That's gonna make a guy feel good?

58:44 Adam Boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm just saying. I don't know.

58:48 Drew I'm just saying what.

58:50 Adam Alexa? You're 19? It'd be great, Drew, if you ever saw any commercial that was ever on TV.

58:56 Drew Yeah, it would be nice, huh?

58:57 Adam It would be nice.

58:58 Drew Please, would you?

58:59 Adam Please, let's let something in. I have TiVo too. Just let something in.

59:02 Drew You said watch it like some sort of robot.

59:04 Adam Let something in. Please. I have to, I had to explain to Drew on our long car ride back from our calendar signing that, and once in a while there's something that Drew says he hasn't seen that I know he's seen, and that takes me-

59:17 Turn the volume down.

59:18 Adam Thank you. It takes 20 minutes for me to explain to him that he's seen it, but then he eventually sees it. And it takes a big man to admit when I'm right. Go ahead, Alexa.

59:27 Hi, well, I think you guys should have like a Loveline sort of fake line where they just called and it's like a recording thing, you know, close your legs or stop doing drugs. And that way you'll get less bonus calls, a bogus calls, and you guys can take more real calls.

59:42 Drew So like my 9-1-1 idea, a virtual Adam, a virtual Adam.

59:47 Oh, that would be a really good idea.

59:49 Adam Well, I'm sure our crack staff is gonna snap onto that any second now. Yeah. By the way, if you wanna talk about the Loveline, by the way, it took me three and a half years to get from powdered milk to real milk in the studio.

1:00:05 Drew For coffee.

1:00:05 Adam I had to threaten to quit at a certain point. So if you just wanna know how the sledding goes. We got a security guard, cause I threatened to quit. We got Move Studios, why, Drew?

1:00:17 Drew He threatened to quit.

1:00:18 Adam And we got coffee that wasn't from the 55-gallon drum of the final that we collect out of the dumpster behind the sit-ins, because why, Drew?

1:00:29 Drew He threatened to quit.

1:00:30 Adam That's right, that's right, that's right. Alexa?

1:00:36 Drew What's the question?

1:00:38 Well, I get these shooting pains in my vagina, and it hurts to the top of my leg, and I don't think that that's normal, and it's to the point where I can't move, I kind of tense up, and I'm wondering, is that-

1:00:50 Drew When do you get the pain?

1:00:53 Randomly, not often, maybe once every couple of months, but it's very intense, it almost feels like contractions.

1:00:59 Drew All right, but it radiates into your leg, though?

1:01:02 Yeah, just to the top, not to down to my knee, but just like into where my thigh meets my pelvis, and they're very, very painful.

1:01:11 Drew Yeah, okay, have you had this checked out?

1:01:14 No, I don't have health insurance, and I don't want to pay $500 for a hospital visit, and I don't like clinics, because they're kind of dirty.

1:01:21 Drew How about pay $55 and go see a doctor?

1:01:24 Adam Really?

1:01:24 Drew Yeah.

1:01:25 Adam Can you do that?

1:01:25 Drew Yeah.

1:01:26 Adam Really, I didn't, I really didn't know that. You could do that.

1:01:29 Drew Yeah, you call a doctor, make an appointment, and it'll be about $55, $75, that's, yes, yes. That's how you do that.

1:01:39 Adam I just had to pay $2,500 bucks, because Ozzie, my carpenter guy, had to go to the hospital.

1:01:45 Drew Yeah, to the hospital. But you call and go see a doctor, you call and make an appointment, I have to talk to him, I say, don't do that. You just, and you can tell the doctor, when you go in, it's like, I'm paying cash, I have very limited resources, can we just limit it testing, and just, can you figure out what's going on here with a physical exam only? And that's what you do, Alexa, okay? You see a gynecologist or an internist, that's all you gotta do, but listen, the deal is, the pain in the leg is probably, it was called the round ligament, and that can be either from a uterine sorus or you have a fallopian tube sorus, you may have a tube infection, even sometimes ovarian cysts. So it's something that definitely needs to be looked into. It's not in your back though, it doesn't go down the back of the buttock, that kind of thing. Yeah, and have you ever had a pelvic infection of any kind?

1:02:27 No, but I had a baby, does that have anything to do with it?

1:02:31 Drew How long ago? And you've had it ever since then?

1:02:36 Yeah, well, no, not like ever since. It's probably been about a year now. I don't remember having it before I had the baby.

1:02:45 Drew Wow, I'm still can't get over the fact that you guys don't know you can just go see a doctor.

1:02:49 Adam No, no, no, listen, I didn't have insurance, I didn't have money, I would never go to a doctor, ever.

1:02:54 Drew I'm just saying.

1:02:55 Adam You can't go to a clinic, you can just go to a clinic and wait in line.

1:02:58 Drew Why not just go to a doctor? This is what the PSA needs to be about.

1:03:00 Adam What do you do, open a phone book?

1:03:02 Drew Any, open the phone book, any doctor, you can make them first available appointment, that's it, boom.

1:03:05 Adam Really? Absolutely. And then you go in there and you talk to them and it's like what you get talking to you, talk to them for 10 minutes.

1:03:11 Drew Yeah, but he can do a physical exam. If I could do the exam on Alexa, I could tell her what's going on.

1:03:16 Adam Now it'd be another visit, come back and bring your wallet. For what?

1:03:19 Drew Well, for what? You don't have enough time for that. It's like you do what you do and then you go on with it.

1:03:24 Adam Yeah, all I know is.

1:03:26 Drew That's weird that people don't.

1:03:29 Adam No, they don't. Nobody, look, if you don't have insurance, you don't go see doctors.

1:03:34 Drew But then they pay, they go to the emergency room and it costs five grand. You go to see the doctor, go to the doctor's office, it's 55 grand.

1:03:39 Adam I know, they go into the emergency room. Yeah.

1:03:40 Drew That is absurd.

1:03:42 Adam Nobody knows, including myself, that you can.

1:03:47 Drew But would prevent them. Why wouldn't you be able to go to the doctor?

1:03:49 Adam Because here's what, okay, here's how people think. People think that you either have an insurance policy, you know, you have Kaiser or something like that. And so you have insurance, or you just have your own family doctor. Or if you don't have either one of those things, you go to the emergency hospital or to the clinic. So if you get sick, you go to the clinic if you don't have insurance or you don't have a family doctor.

1:04:15 Drew How do you get the family doctor? But open the phone book and get the family doctor.

1:04:19 Adam These are people whose, you know, it was their pediatrician, it was their parents set it up, whatever it is. But nobody thinks to open the phone book and go get a doctor. And they do think if I just walk in like that, they're gonna need, you know, it's gonna be, first of all, it's gonna be, you know, mounds of paperwork followed by bunches of money just to, you know, actually get the first consultation.

1:04:39 Drew Money is the drugs and the hospital. That's where the money goes. Or if you need a procedure. When you see a doctor, it's less than a plumber.

1:04:48 Adam Really? Less than a plumber. All right, everybody, just open the phone book. Just what? What do you open it to?

1:04:54 Drew Internal medicine, family practice.

1:04:55 Adam Will you look under internal medicine? You look under doctors?

1:04:58 Drew Physicians.

1:04:59 Adam Physicians.

1:04:59 Drew Look for the type.

1:05:01 Adam Take me 20, I'd still be a doctor.

1:05:02 Drew Here's the, a lot of doctors are too busy. They don't have room for extra people. The people that are taking new patients, people that are starting out practices aren't overwhelmed by HMOs and all that crap. Which by the way, this whole business of doctors are gonna mill you. No, doctors make money in HMOs by seeing you less. The less they see you, the better it is for them. So they're happy to see a cash paid patient they could see and actually spend a little time with. Happy to do it.

1:05:25 Adam Well, I got my, my buddy Ozzy, who been working up my house for a little while, got sick.

1:05:32 Drew I saw him when he was sick. What I did for him would have cost about $35.

1:05:36 Adam You saw him.

1:05:37 Drew At your house.

1:05:38 Adam How did you see him?

1:05:38 Drew At your house.

1:05:39 Adam What were you doing?

1:05:40 Drew Walking through.

1:05:41 Adam Oh really?

1:05:42 Drew He grabbed me, look at my throat. Doctor, my tensillitis.

1:05:46 Adam This was vomiting and stuff.

1:05:47 Drew I'm just saying. This is another time.

1:05:49 Adam Well, there's another time, but this is funny. So he's like, yeah, I'm vomiting. I'm at work and he calls me. I'm sick, I'm vomiting. I'm going to call an ambulance. And I'm like. Ambulance? Ozzy's got a little novella in him. He's got a little Mexican soap in him. I said, Ozzy, you got the flu. You got either food poisoning or the flu. Put your feet up on the sofa, drink some fluids, ride it out when you feel good enough, drive yourself home, put your feet back up again. Now, you know, I'm sick. I want to go to the hospital. Well, I know the guy doesn't have insurance. You know, I said, this is going to cost you hundreds of dollars. You know what I mean?

1:06:30 Drew Thousands of dollars. You walk in an emergency room, it's thousands of dollars.

1:06:32 Adam The guy has a family. The guy's like, you know, four kids. He lives in a little apartment. I'm his only source of income. I pay him decently, but not enough for that kind of stuff. I said, Ozzy, Ozzy, what are you doing? And by the way, everyone listen, there's two things you don't go to the emergency hospital for. You want to, but you don't, okay, look, okay.

1:06:50 Drew What's the problem with the healthcare system? People don't know how to use it.

1:06:53 Adam All right. Don't get outraged because I'm outraged. So I'm gonna get outraged and then you can get outraged. Two things. First off, everyone twists their ankle, turns their ankles. It blows up like a puffer fish and they hobble into the emergency room. It's never broken, never. Here's what it is. It's a bad sprain. It's a bad sprain. It's always a bad sprain. Okay, listen, take some Advil, take some ibuprofen, put it up, put some ice on it, and then hot, cold. Oh, I like this one. Stay off it. And then, and by the way, they gotta ask what you did. What were you doing? I was shooting him. Okay, well, no. Okay, thanks. Okay, but listen, listen, here's, then, okay. 800 bucks later. There you go. The twisted ankle, don't go away.

1:07:34 Drew And the follow up, the follow up is, tomorrow, see the orthopedic surgeon. How about skip the ER, go right to the ortho. They always have x-ray equipment. Cost you about $200, and that's it, as opposed to the $2,000 going to the emergency room.

1:07:46 Adam Let me just explain the rolled ankle, no matter how ugly, no matter how swollen, no matter how gross. I've done it many times. I've done it where it looked like it needed to be removed. Here's the problem, here's the problem.

1:07:56 Drew Sometimes they need an operation that day.

1:07:58 Adam Yeah, sometimes, when the bone's sticking out. But look, I'm playing, I hear stuff, I'm talking to people who don't have insurance who need to play the odds.

1:08:05 Drew Go to an orthopedic surgeon's office.

1:08:06 Adam If you don't hear the thing crack, it ain't broken. Go home, put ice on it. And whatever you gotta do to it, look, if it's still killing you in two days, go do it. They'll put a cast on it. That's the way. There's almost nothing that can't wait a couple days. And by the way, you get in an elevator and put ice on it, it's the best thing you can do anyway. Okay, and number one. Number two, if you start vomiting, you get the shivers, you got the flu, stay home.

1:08:29 Drew Yeah, basically for an adult, the emergency room is supposed to be for you can't breathe, you have chest pain, or your sensorium, your mental status has changed.

1:08:37 Adam Right, so.

1:08:38 Drew Or a major trauma, something like that. That's about it. For little babies, for very old people, it's different. For an average age, that's it. That's it.

1:08:45 Adam Here's the problem. I'm the only guy telling everyone to go home, and then I seem like a prick, because everyone's like, oh my God, we should call, we should call an ambulance. Are you, I have a little, I think I'm gonna vomit again. Oh, you got a temperature, we gotta get you in. And by the way, you go to the emergency room, we sit around for three hours in between hobos who are vomiting, and then you go in, it's the same thing. Take it easy, lots of fluids, and then there's this caveat too. If it's still going on and then coming back. Okay, but you could have eliminated that step. But by the way, when you're feeling like fried hell, do you really wanna just sit there under fluorescent lights and vomit into a trash can for four hours, clogging up the system with some bull dyke nurse and those horrible shoes? So I said, Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy, listen, look, you got the flu or you got food poisoning, whatever you got, you're just gonna go sit in an ambulance and then go sit in the thing, and then the guy's gonna give you some aspirin, it's gonna be 1,300 bucks a liter, yeah. Just go home and relax. Okay, perfect. You don't have the money, you can't afford it. Just go home and relax. If it gets really bad, you can go. It's fine, I think he goes home. Two days later, he missed a couple days of work and then he comes in two days later and he's like, I need to borrow 2,500 bucks. I said, why, what for? I went to the emergency room and I went, I got like a GI scan or whatever, a CAT scan on an ambulance ride and was like, well, this was 900, this was 1,100, this was 1,300, so I need 2,500.

1:10:12 Drew I hope you roundly abused him.

1:10:13 Adam No, I gave him the 2,500 bucks.

1:10:15 Drew No, no, but also give him a little-

1:10:16 Adam But I told him, what are you doing? Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. It was funny though, three days earlier-

1:10:24 Drew Let me 100% clear. For $55, he could have gone to see a doctor and would have gotten an adequate workup in the guy's office.

1:10:31 Adam Nobody knows that. Everyone goes to the emergency room. Any problems, they go to the emergency room. But the thing that's ironic is three days earlier, I was saying, you can't afford this. And then I realized, oh yeah, I can. I'm gonna pay for it. But yeah, you don't get anything. It's just he had the flu.

1:10:48 Drew By the way, if the doctor who sees you actually deems it to be an emergency, then you go. All right.

1:10:54 Adam Well, people do not know that, Drew. They just know either they have insurance or if they don't, they go down to the emergency room.

1:11:01 Guest Okay.

1:11:01 Adam That's what they do. All right. Eye-opening, yes? Oh. Okay. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:11:17 Drew Go!

1:11:32 Adam Hey everybody. Drew said they have medicine to make me stop vomiting if I get sick, and then he told me it would be in suppository form.

1:11:40 Drew At which point, you start tingling or something. You're in a reaction.

1:11:43 Adam Well, I thought you're joking, and then I thought, well, maybe if you're vomiting everything that goes in, you gotta put something up the took eye.

1:11:49 Drew It's either a shot or a took eye.

1:11:50 Adam All right, how about you get me some of that vomit stuff, so next time I get the full-on closet on.

1:11:56 Drew They don't stay on the shelf for a long time.

1:11:59 Adam I'll just keep taking it. Oh, I don't want the suppository.

1:12:02 Drew What, you take the pill, you vomit?

1:12:05 Adam How about some I rub into my eye?

1:12:06 Drew Took eye. That'll be the eye you get, it'll be the took eye.

1:12:11 Adam I didn't get stuff up your ass. I mean it, I've never put anything up there. What do you do?

1:12:15 Drew I know it's for you, it's like trying to search out the mouth of Santa Claus.

1:12:19 Adam Does it come with a tool?

1:12:20 Drew No, it's the index finger. Or your wife can do it.

1:12:23 Adam Are you kidding? I can't get her water the effing pots. Are you kidding? I swear to God, I can't get her water the pots. You think she's gonna put something up my ass?

1:12:40 Drew Yeah, so it's your index finger.

1:12:41 Adam Does it come with lube or do you?

1:12:43 Drew No, they're designed to go right on in. No lube? They're kind of luby to begin with, like waxy.

1:12:48 Adam Oh really?

1:12:49 Drew You go right in. And then they dissolve like, they just go in.

1:12:53 Adam It's weird that that goes right in you too.

1:12:55 Drew Yeah, we kind of, it's sort of a certain amount of...

1:12:57 Adam Oh, it's a little tied, a little riptied. It's got some gravity. Really? It'll suck it up.

1:13:05 Drew Little bit.

1:13:07 Adam Is that how guys get stuff stuck in there? I mean, that sort of suck it up?

1:13:11 Drew Yeah, there's a spout, the wink response called anal wink.

1:13:14 Adam Oh really? Yeah, because like if you get a splinter, it'll push its way out.

1:13:19 Drew Yeah.

1:13:19 Adam But this is sort of the opposite. This'll suck it in.

1:13:21 Drew Yeah.

1:13:22 Caller Hmm.

1:13:24 Adam This is like that tractor ray that the Star Trek thing will get caught in every once in a while, get sucked into a shit.

1:13:30 Drew It's the thing that cuts off your... Right, right.

1:13:34 Adam Pow, yeah. All right. Yeah.

1:13:39 Drew Amulet has been a hole for a long time. Yeah. You can offline them back on.

1:13:42 Adam My anus is different though. It's like the mouth of a squid.

1:13:48 Drew Oh, really?

1:13:48 Adam Yeah, it's got a beak. Snap your finger off.

1:13:52 Drew Yeah, you have to be careful there. You're putting that waxy...

1:13:54 Adam Pow.

1:13:55 Drew Waxy suppository up there.

1:13:56 Adam Yeah, it's tough. A man, a Malinda, what's her name? A Malinda? A Malmolalala?

1:14:06 Drew Malda?

1:14:08 Adam Call her? A Malinda. No. Well, what's happening?

1:14:17 I'm 17 now and I haven't had my period.

1:14:25 Drew I'm surprised your parents haven't taken you to have that check. Do you talk about these things with your mom? Do you see a doctor for any reason at all?

1:14:36 Yeah.

1:14:36 Drew What for?

1:14:38 Well, once I went to the doctor, it was like I had had sex and so I went to the doctor like get tested, but then I had sex.

1:14:48 Drew You had sex?

1:14:48 Adam She had sex.

1:14:49 Drew We can't hear you, Amelinda. You've got to speak up.

1:14:51 Okay, I went to the doctor because I had sex once and I didn't like talk to my mom about anything.

1:15:00 Drew How old were you? Are you normal stature, normal height?

1:15:06 No.

1:15:07 Drew How tall are you?

1:15:08 I'm like five one right now.

1:15:12 Drew Do you have normal hair distribution, pubic hair and hair under your arm, that sort of thing?

1:15:16 No.

1:15:17 Drew You don't. So you're really not developing for some reason. It's not as though you've developed secondary characteristics but just never started your period. And there are many different reasons that can happen. You can even lack a uterus. There could be a problem with the uterine function. There could be a variant dysfunction. There can be pituitary dysfunction. But the fact that you're not growing and developing is in a way more complex and in a way perhaps more reassuring because once you do get your pubertal growth spurt then you will start having your period. You may just be a late- Bloomer. Bloomer, so to speak. But at 17, you absolutely should be having secondary. Do you have breasts? No. Okay, you've got to see a doctor.

1:15:54 Adam All right, well, let's wait. This call is bloomer.

1:15:57 Drew I know you can't talk to her. That's hard for you, Adam, I know. But she may get them someday. She may.

1:16:02 Adam Well, then she can call back.

1:16:03 Drew And so you do need to see it. You may need some genetic testing. There are all kinds of things that can then produce this. I would see an endocrinologist, though. That's what you need to see.

1:16:14 Adam Well, she should go in and just see her family doctor first.

1:16:17 Drew You start with that if you want, and then ask for a referral, because you definitely need some more workup than just a general doctor can do. That's actually an interesting problem.

1:16:25 Adam It is.

1:16:26 Drew A lot of different things.

1:16:26 Adam She doesn't sound like she's turned the corner.

1:16:30 Drew But why not? She changed, she had the pubertal development.

1:16:33 Adam That entered puberty, right?

1:16:34 Drew That's what it sounds like.

1:16:34 Adam All right, let's talk to Jennifer over here. I feel bad for her. Jennifer, you're 25.

1:16:41 Caller Yep.

1:16:42 Adam What's up?

1:16:43 Caller I had a boyfriend for about four or five years, and we broke up. It was kind of a screwy breakup, and I just can't seem to get over it. The guy went back and I slept with him on and off. And even though I knew he had a girlfriend, I couldn't seem to see him, and he played like we were just really, really good friends. He cared about me and asked about the family and how I was and all that. And I finally got to a point where I'm like, all right, enough is enough. But it's just so difficult for me to walk away.

1:17:14 Drew How long ago did you finally put the axe down?

1:17:19 Caller Like four days ago.

1:17:20 Drew Jennifer.

1:17:23 Adam It's almost been a week, a work week. It should be way behind you.

1:17:27 Drew You haven't given yourself any chance to get over or more in this loss. It's going to take you at least six months. And the way you've been torturing yourself, it may take you a year.

1:17:36 Caller I've been going back to him. We actually broke up like a year and a half, two years ago.

1:17:42 Drew Hey, Jennifer. Jennifer, every time you go back to him, the clock resets. It starts all over again. You have to have no contact with him for a while.

1:17:51 Caller This is the part that's the hardest thing, like I just, I can't seem to cut it off. Like I can't seem to be like, okay, I'm never calling again because I'll just wake up one morning and suddenly the fingers start dialing and the phone doesn't answer.

1:18:03 Drew Well, then you breathe, it's like a heroin addict. Then you're using again, your sobriety date starts all over again. You start, the clock immediately resets.

1:18:10 Adam You need a sponsor.

1:18:11 Drew Yeah, so if you can't-

1:18:12 Caller They make like some kind of pill you can take this?

1:18:18 Drew No, heroin addict, no, they don't help heroin addicts with a pill, they help heroin addicts with support from other people. And you can begin to develop other supportive relationships. And if that doesn't work, if you can't do this, you gotta get a therapist.

1:18:28 Adam Well, Jennifer, what is so wonderful about this guy other than you guys hooked up early and he got under your skin?

1:18:37 Caller It was just one of those things where it was like, this was like the best friend and like the brother and the boyfriend and everything rolled into one. And it was almost to the point where like, like we were, from the moment we met, we were like, all right, this is what the rest of our lives are gonna be like.

1:18:54 Drew How old were you when your dad took off?

1:18:56 Adam Mm-mm.

1:18:57 Caller He was never there.

1:19:01 Adam Well, there you go.

1:19:02 Drew I bet he was, you were like one or something.

1:19:06 Caller I've never really actually met my dad till I was 16.

1:19:10 Drew But how, he was never even at the very beginning involved in your life?

1:19:14 Caller No, not at all.

1:19:16 Drew What happened was the story with your mom and your dad?

1:19:18 Caller My mom and my dad, my mom and my dad hooked up. My mom thought it was like love at first sight. They were gonna get married the whole night. And he went through some relationship issues. And when he found out my mom was pregnant, he ran for the hills. And he stayed in Colorado. My mom was California and had a kid on her own.

1:19:36 Adam And you met him at 16.

1:19:38 Caller Yeah. I had a friend of mine who committed suicide when I was 16. My mother decided that for me to deal with this, it's the best way for me to get over it would be to do like an outward bound program.

1:19:52 Caller So I did that.

1:19:53 Caller And while on the program, like I just started thinking all these thoughts and realized that I was in Colorado. And one of the women, when I finished, it said, oh, well, Colorado, your dad there, well, Telluride, that's 14, 15 minutes away from where we're gonna finish our trip. If you want to give them a call.

1:20:09 Adam Dad's living in Telluride. Nice country up there. By the way, let me explain Outward Bound for those who don't know what Outward Bound. Outward Bound is the job corps for white people. It's when there's screw ups and they're blonde haired, they send them to Outward Bound. So they hike around and they slide down the rope thing with the pulley on it and stuff like that. They do that when they're from the inner city, we send them to put out forest fires. Same thing. We gotta get them to the nature. One of them's a little more camping, the other's more involved with like actually more productive. replanting trees and digging and stuff. Yeah. One of them's a little bit of a work camp, the other one's a little more of a camping trip. But either way, screwed up teens, they hit the, hit the Sierras, send them out.

1:21:01 Drew I smell drugs and alcohol too. Was she doing drugs when she went to the Outward Bound?

1:21:04 Adam Jennifer?

1:21:05 Caller Yep.

1:21:06 Adam Why, were you doing any drugs?

1:21:09 Caller I was a bit of a drug person way back when, yeah.

1:21:13 Drew Before the Outward Bound.

1:21:14 Adam No, no, Outward Bound, your mom sent you to Outward Bound because you're getting in a lot of trouble and you're doing drugs.

1:21:20 Caller It was a combination of things.

1:21:22 Adam Yeah, it was a combination of things. I know, but it's like, my friend died. So my mom sent me to Outward Bound.

1:21:29 Drew No way.

1:21:29 Adam Yeah.

1:21:29 Drew Yeah, no way.

1:21:30 Adam Be awesome. Somebody kills themselves. Yeah, I'm not done mourning. Now, I'm sorry, pack your canteen. You're heading for the Sierras.

1:21:39 Drew Yeah.

1:21:39 Adam Yeah.

1:21:40 Drew So Jennifer's got a long and involved history here. This is not just a simple, I can't get over my boyfriend. You've had a drug history. You have abandonment issues. You have an obsessional relationship with your boyfriend, an addictive, or literally, it's an addictive relationship, but it's a compulsive relationship. Jennifer, come on. Let's get going here.

1:22:04 Caller I mean, what do you do when you get to a point where you've at least realized that it's maybe a compulsive need for another human being? Like, how do you kick a habit like that?

1:22:12 Adam Well, you have to assert some control over yourself, and that's like a muscle you have to build up and strengthen. Well, you're gonna need some therapy, too.

1:22:23 Drew It's relationships with other people. It's real connection with other people, so you don't feel so empty and abandoned when this idealized relationship has left you behind. This is not a relationship. This is a facsimile of a relationship. You think you're having a relationship with a guy who merely feels sort of guilty and sympathetic for you and sort of kind of strings things along because you have some concern for how you're feeling. In the meantime, he's gone on with his life. You have not. And now, if you're doing drugs and alcohol as a part of this also, you might wanna get a 12-step program. That'd be a perfect solution. If you're not, then get a therapist. It's just not, or else just stop. Go ahead and stop. By the way, anybody that says, why do you always say this and that? Hey, if you wanna just stop, go ahead and stop. But if you can't, that's when help is needed.

1:23:05 Adam I should have done that outward bound when I was like 19.

1:23:09 Drew I think you basically did that, but you did it with a carpet wand.

1:23:12 Adam I had a carpet wand, yeah. Yeah, it was great.

1:23:15 Drew That's sort of outward bound for you, wasn't it?

1:23:16 Adam Yeah, instead of doing the John Muir Trail, I went out to a colony kitchen in Canahoe and cleaned it with a couple guys from south of the border. Yeah, it was an enriching.

1:23:30 Drew Exposed you to different cultures. Yeah. Even got some religious fundamentalism in the mix.

1:23:35 Adam That was installing closets.

1:23:36 Drew Oh yeah, yeah. But that was part of that outward bound experience for you. Yeah. It started with the wand and then with the closets.

1:23:43 Adam It was great. I really had a chance to work with some real delights. When I was cleaning carpets, it was mostly guys that didn't speak any English with one brother named Everlast who ended up, well, murder one was his rap. He actually went to my boss's apartment and heard his pleads on his answering machine to get him out of jail. He walked into a bar and shot a guy.

1:24:11 Drew Did you tell me about some death ride with Everlast one time?

1:24:14 Adam Everlast used to like to smoke joints and drive about 90. He didn't have a driver's license.

1:24:20 Drew And the car was road safe for about 35?

1:24:23 Adam The same van, the wheel fell off while Everlast was on the way out to another colony kitchen of some Tony Romans cleaning room.

1:24:31 Drew I were bound.

1:24:31 Adam Yeah, there's that group and then later on I got trapped at the Born Again Christians installing closets, which again, less to talk about with those folks.

1:24:40 Drew But you learned tongues?

1:24:42 Adam Did have Frank, the guy with the tattoo on his neck and the teardrop breaking the tongues every once in a while. Shunderla, shunderla.

1:24:49 Drew Maybe it was Chief Thunderbird speaking through him. You were first so exposed to him.

1:24:55 Adam Cracking the Bible, asking for traveling mercy before we took off in the van.

1:24:59 Drew Well, with Everlast Driving, wouldn't you? You should have been asking for the same.

1:25:04 Adam Different van. This is the cube.

1:25:06 Drew Same driver?

1:25:06 Adam No, well, God was driving both vans as it turned out later. One was a cube truck.

1:25:11 Drew Cube truck, what does that mean?

1:25:13 Adam It's just like one of those big square cube trucks. It's like a van, but it's got a big cube in the back of it. I would go to sleep in the back of the cube. And by the way, you know, it's a bad job, but it's like, oh man, where are we going? Oh, we're going to Orange County. Wow, it's like an hour drive. Great. I'm going in the back of the cube. I'm gonna take the furniture pads, the closets are rolled up in, and I'll make a little blanket for myself, and I'll just go to bed, and you guys just lock me in the back of the cube. So I'll be back here. Those people eating the carbon monoxide, you guys be sharing the good word in the, oh, no, no, no.

1:25:47 Drew These are the fundamentalists.

1:25:49 Adam The fundamentalists, guys. They're in the front with the Bible. I was in back with the furniture pads and the laminate.

1:25:56 Drew That's good times.

1:25:57 Adam Oh, it's a great gig.

1:25:58 Drew Outward bound.

1:25:59 Adam 10 bucks an hour.

1:26:00 Drew Maybe we should make a sort of a program out of it. Like formalize it, operationalize it, make a program.

1:26:06 Adam Fantastic.

1:26:06 Drew Cube vans.

1:26:08 Adam What a life. All right, let's take a little break. By the way, Drew was probably on the beach of Laguna about that time.

1:26:15 Drew I was lifeguard, yeah.

1:26:16 Adam Getting copious amounts of oral from.

1:26:18 Drew No, about that time. Maybe. No, no, about that time. Oh, no, no. That time I was already into my residency and stuff.

1:26:25 Adam Racking up the candy striper. We'll take a passionate man. Take a quick break. Be right back after this. What are women most attracted to?

1:26:39 Caller Confident guys.

1:26:40 Adam That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

1:26:44 Drew What do we got?

1:26:44 Adam You got Axe deodorant body spray.

1:26:46 Drew Oh my God.

1:26:47 Adam Spray that on, it's like slathering on the confidence. Woo, freak out, woo, freak out, yeah, yeah. Tell you what right now, boy, tell you what, boy, tell you what, freak out, tell you what, boy, tell you what, freak out, get it on, woo.

1:27:23 Drew Little germ here in Florida, yes.

1:27:26 Adam David?

1:27:27 Caller Yeah.

1:27:27 Adam 17?

1:27:28 Caller Yeah, hey, what's up, man?

1:27:30 Adam What's going on, Dave?

1:27:32 Caller I found this, like, I was on the internet earlier, and this is, like, the worst thing I've ever heard of.

1:27:38 Drew You're gay. All right, well, we will determine whether it is Germany or Florida.

1:27:41 Caller All right, police review policy after children's shock, second child's shock with taser gun within weeks. Police have been acknowledged using a stun gun to immobilize a 12-year-old girl just weeks after an officer jolted a first grader with 50,000 volts. The police director-

1:27:59 Adam It's Florida. It's Florida.

1:28:00 Drew It's gotta be Florida. Florida.

1:28:03 Caller Yeah.

1:28:04 Drew Yeah.

1:28:04 Adam Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

1:28:07 Caller Hey, Adam. There's more to it. I don't know if you heard it, but-

1:28:12 Adam All right, well, keep going.

1:28:14 Caller Well, I just thought you'd be interested in this after ranting about 911. The six-year-old boy was shocked on the October 20th in the principal's office.

1:28:26 Adam Six-year-old, it's in a Florida school, six-year-old went ballistic in a cop's game, the Taser.

1:28:33 Caller Yeah, but the principal called 911 after the child broke a picture in her office, waved a piece of glass holding a security guard back. Kind of makes you think.

1:28:46 Adam Yeah, whatever it is, kids should be allowed to express themselves and we can't judge. That, that much I know.

1:28:53 Drew Oh yeah.

1:28:54 Adam All right, and I'm guessing, and again, I don't want to be racist, but the kid, Jewish? I'm guessing.

1:29:00 Caller I don't know what to say.

1:29:01 Adam Yeah, well, I think we can read between the lines. It's the work of a six-year-old Jew. Early Bar Mitzvah. Yeah. All right.

1:29:11 Caller Oh, Adam, I just wanted to say you're doing an awesome job on like every show you've ever done, like drawing together.

1:29:17 Adam Thanks, buddy.

1:29:19 Caller I haven't missed that, dude.

1:29:20 Adam Oh, good. Well, I'm glad you like it. How about Comedy Central? Yeah, Comedy Central.

1:29:25 Drew Strangely though, Red Hand and shows like that, forgotten. Strangely.

1:29:30 Adam Comedy Central, by the way, drawn together after South Park, Wednesday nights, 10.30. That's as far as, as much as I know. All right, we're gonna keep rocking. Becca. 28? What's up?

1:29:48 Caller What's up? I have a boyfriend that I've been seeing for a little over two years. And he likes watching porn, which I knew, but recently I found porn with transsexuals, so basically all men.

1:30:05 Drew All men as women kind of thing?

1:30:07 Caller Yes.

1:30:09 Drew So not transsexuals.

1:30:11 Adam Well, well, that is post-op transsexual.

1:30:16 Drew Do they have a penis?

1:30:17 Caller Yes.

1:30:18 Drew That's not transsexual.

1:30:19 Adam That's not trans, that is transvestite.

1:30:22 Caller Oh, well, the DVD coverage said tranny, so I don't know, but it was, they all had.

1:30:29 Adam Here's the whole thing with porn, there's no sanctioning body. They get away with tons of stuff.

1:30:34 Drew No Geneva Convention on that.

1:30:36 Adam It's just like Minkas, like Korean, but they make her Japanese, it's easier to do. It's a, here's what they use in porn. It's still something we call artistic license.

1:30:49 Drew Well, they're very artistic, so what are you gonna do?

1:30:51 Adam So that, I would, you know, here's the whole thing. Here's the way I look at people. All right, here's what I'm gonna say. When the health inspector comes in to the pudding factory, he just samples a batch. He doesn't need to take the whole, he just dips the thing in and takes it, and if he finds a little arsenic on his turkey baster, the whole batch is ruined. 500 gallons, it's no good. You know what I mean? I don't need to see everything. That's the way I am with people. I see a guy with the tranny porn, that's all I need to know about him. Oh, he's great with kids. Oh, no one knows, no one navigates the internet. No, no one knows computers. Like, blah. Tranny porn, tops all, it trumps everything.

1:31:37 Drew I honestly don't know what gets somebody into that, who that guy is.

1:31:42 Adam I don't know, but I'm breaking up with him.

1:31:45 Drew Rebecca, can you tell us anything about your boyfriend? What he does for a living, that kind of thing?

1:31:53 Caller In sales and...

1:31:55 Drew Do you have a relationship in the case? Drugs and alcohols or anything else going on?

1:32:05 Adam Sales, by the way, means narcissist, sociopath, and a guy who will never get the truth from. And look, people get mad when I say this, but all people in sales are flawed. There's something wrong with them. I've never met a guy who sells anything that's worth a damn. So, there's some personality defect.

1:32:27 Caller Yeah, and I've been trying to figure him out.

1:32:30 Adam Not quite as bad as female realtors, but close.

1:32:34 Drew That's sales. Okay, well, there you go. Was he sexually abused growing up?

1:32:39 Caller Not as far as I know. I've tried asking him everything I thought possible that might explain.

1:32:44 Drew Was there anything about you that might explain why you're attracted to this guy?

1:32:50 Caller I tend to be attracted to people that need help.

1:32:53 Drew Right, you're a fixer. Well, you found one.

1:32:56 Adam It sounds like the guy may be an alcoholic and it sounds like there may be more to him than meets the eye.

1:33:02 Drew It sounds like he was traumatized growing up somehow and that you sort of feel that trauma and you got to rescue him from it. That's sort of that source of attraction for codependent fixers like yourself.

1:33:12 Adam Why don't you ask him? I mean, he's going to lie. Sales guys lie. That's all they do is lie.

1:33:16 Drew You got to come up with what happened. I found this stuff.

1:33:19 Adam Any sales guy you ever like?

1:33:21 Drew Yeah, scrambled.

1:33:22 Adam No, sales people are people that A can do nothing else and B want to sort of get in between a product and a consumer 99 percent of the time. Car guys are the worst. They're just they're just sort of useless people like if when the rapture comes to the first ones, first ones are gone. Where's the righteous like me? I'll be hanging out. I'll make like the fifth, sixth round before I catch on fire or burst into flames. But here's the whole thing about that tranny stuff. And I never understood it. And it's the same thing I was asking Larry Flint when he was in here when there was that whole rash of George Torrio's where I was like, what percentage of your audience wants to see someone getting getting whizzed on?

1:34:05 Drew I pray it's the letter writing crowd.

1:34:08 Adam Right. I pray it's a small minority. Same thing with like you open these magazines, you open these nudie magazines, you get to the back page. And I'm not talking about weird, you know, German stumpy, swanky stuff. I'm just talking about like Penthouse in the back. Every third advertisement is a hot chick with a dingling between her legs that they put there via computer. But you're still disgusting because you have to sort of process it. And it looks pretty good with the computer stuff they do now. Cut and paste, you know, and you're just looking down and you're like, oh, what the oh, she's a love of Christ. And then you think to yourself, really that big a market, that big a guy at what? What? 40 percent, 35 percent of males like some breast and a honker. Really? What the hell is going on? OK, I'm disgusted at all you. Now take a break. Even look, even Chris got a plus on. Rarely greased with me. But on this, we find common ground. Yes, my friend. All right. We'll be back after this.

1:35:04 Caller All right, guys, here's the deal.

1:35:06 Guest You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:35:09 Adam One call is all you need to make.

1:35:11 Guest Call the Dateline.

1:35:12 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:35:14 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:35:31 Adam God bless you for listening tonight. We'll take a extendo break, and until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo. I'm insane!

1:35:41 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, November 14, 2004