Episode 1000658420463

11:12 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

11:36 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Love Line. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Jason Bateman is back in the studio tonight.

11:47 Jason Bateman Hi, men.

11:48 Adam Good to see you, Jason.

11:50 Jason Bateman It's good to be seen and be heard by your wonderful listeners.

11:54 Adam Jason has a very good aura to him, good presence. Seems like a good guy.

12:01 Jason Bateman It's pills, it's pills, and that's what I wanna talk to you guys about.

12:04 Adam Well, Drew, it's Drew specifically. That's what I meant.

12:08 I've got a good cocktail going tonight.

12:11 Jason Bateman It's mostly aspirin and some of the stale coffee you have here at the station. These are okay things to take, yes?

12:18 Drew Of course.

12:19 Jason Bateman All right, well then.

12:20 Drew Yeah, we do it every night here.

12:21 Adam Yeah, congratulations on Arrested Development, by the way, because the last time you were here, you and Will Arnett were here from Arrested Development, wasn't any big whoop.

12:30 Drew When did it get started, the show?

12:32 Jason Bateman That would be last season. And so a year ago this month, we premiered.

12:38 Drew So you're right. Then you must have been here between then and now.

12:42 Jason Bateman No, no, no, no.

12:45 Drew And, Laura, look into that, please. I told you.

12:47 Caller I looked into it last time you guys were talking. It was October 28th.

12:50 Drew I know, we got that.

12:51 Caller And that's it.

12:52 Adam Drew refuses to believe. And here's the problem. I got to tell you something, Drew, when you try to gaslight me that way, Drew does no drugs, he smokes no pot, he doesn't have a drinking problem.

13:01 Jason Bateman I love how you separate that from the drug category. He doesn't do any drugs and he doesn't smoke any pot.

13:05 Adam He doesn't smoke any pot.

13:06 That counts as a drug, Adam.

13:08 Adam Okay, he does.

13:11 Drew He doesn't even smoke pot.

13:12 Adam He's not had the head trauma that I've suffered over the years. He does none of these things. So of course, when I say, I don't think those guys have been in for a year or so, and Drew goes, oh, I guarantee they've been in the last four months. Who do you think is right? Who are you going to go with? Who's the smart money on?

13:28 Jason Bateman The guy who drinks a bong water. Every time is going to be a little bit smarter.

13:32 Adam And I question myself. I really do. And you make me question myself. And let me tell you something, Drew, as a performer, that's all I have. That's all I have. Jason, back me up. When you go out on that stage, it's the blowhardiest thing to do. When I go out there, the only thing I bring with me is my confidence.

13:47 Jason Bateman Right, yeah. But it is wafer thin.

13:50 Thank you. You don't have like a leather man or anything, nothing else.

13:54 Adam Not even like a standard ratchet set or metric, nothing.

13:57 Only thing.

13:58 Adam You're just going out there with your confidence. That's all you bring out there, interesting. That's all I have. And as a performer, I like that one, too. Let me explain.

14:04 Jason Bateman The confusing part, though, in Drew's defense is that we did do a little too much show last time.

14:10 We did do two shows worth of material.

14:13 Drew You've been here twice. I never met, had we met Will before the last time he was in?

14:18 Adam No. I'll tell you what it was. It was a bouillon cube of show. You understand? If we added a cup of hot water to it, we could have fed a whole army, yeah. Yeah, just kept going.

14:29 Jason Bateman We're gonna even it out now because sweet little Will Arnett is a little under the weather today. So it's just me.

14:35 Drew How did we know he was an announcer? You started with that hack thing right away.

14:39 Adam I started talking to him about, I was reading what, he was the voice of Dodge.

14:43 Jason Bateman He's a big voiceover.

14:45 No, it's actually GMC.

14:46 Drew Now he's like Fox, I hear him all the time. This week on the OC.

14:50 Adam Well, that's not him, you idiot.

14:51 Jason Bateman Is that him?

14:52 He's trying to get the gig. No, he is GMC Trucks. He's professional grade engineering, it's not more than you need, just more than you're used to. Right. See, that's, I can't do it. I still got, you know, a cheesy sitcom voice, but he, my God, does he have pipes?

15:07 Adam Yeah, he does.

15:09 Drew I saw him on Friends, or something.

15:11 No, Will and Grace, getting his gay on.

15:13 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

15:15 Jason Bateman Very convincing.

15:16 Adam Yeah, I look at it as he plays a good straight guy, because I look at him as gay most of the time, and then he plays the role of a straight man.

15:22 Jason Bateman Adam, you're not far off.

15:23 Adam I know him now.

15:24 I mean, he's married to that Amy Poehler girl, but she's a beard.

15:27 Adam Yeah.

15:28 Drew Who you kidding?

15:29 Adam All right, shall we rock on here? By the way, five Emmys, the darling of the Emmys.

15:34 Jason Bateman That was quite a shock, but it doesn't mean poop unless you nice, pleasant listeners tune in and keep us all employed.

15:44 Adam It's gotta mean something to Fox, though, if the show is that highly regarded or that critically regarded.

15:51 Jason Bateman Well, yes, they over there at Fox have some programming over there that is less than Emmy material, shall we say.

16:00 Adam Who wants to rate my wife?

16:01 Jason Bateman That stuff. So you would think that they would like to balance out their programming schedule with something that is a bit more Emmy-ish, if that's the word.

16:10 Adam One would think, yeah.

16:11 Jason Bateman Hopefully, that's what's getting us to sleep at night as we pull in our low ratings.

16:15 Adam And obviously, the Emmys, the multiple Emmys, including Best Comedy Series, must have given a bump to the ratings, right?

16:24 Jason Bateman A bit. We premiered last week for the first time since the Emmys, and they put us in a new time slot, which is after The Simpsons. So we did do better than we did last year, but still not good enough. We need to come up still more, but we're building.

16:43 Adam I forgot the fact, like, you know, you see the Emmys four months ago or whenever it was, and you're like, oh my God, it's gonna give a great boost to the show, but then you strike four months later. You strike while the iron is sort of warm, but not really hot.

16:56 Jason Bateman They had that baseball stuff on.

16:58 Adam Yeah, yeah.

16:59 Jason Bateman Which I enjoy, but wasn't good for the business.

17:02 Adam I do too, but not great for everyone in their sitcoms. All right, you ready to rock here, Drew? Jason, by the way, I gotta say this about Jason. It's nice to see good things happen to good people. I was just sort of looking at Jason's resume. Jason, career-wise, probably got out of the gate pretty good. And then somewhere around, somewhere between. And I would say the home stretch, but after the first corner, maybe...

17:27 Caller There was some quietness.

17:28 Adam There was a little hitch in the giddy-up.

17:31 Jason Bateman Little hitch in the giddy-up.

17:32 Adam There, but then I'm looking at Dodgeball, Starsky and Hutch, Love Stinks.

17:37 Caller We're on a bit of an upswing, Adam.

17:38 Adam Yeah, right.

17:40 Jason Bateman I got through the years where I probably should have called Drew, but here I am. I haven't had a drop since Christmas, Drew.

17:50 Adam Really?

17:50 Jason Bateman Dr. Drew. And things are much better. I highly recommend that to you listeners out there. There's a lot to be said for the early hours of the morning.

17:58 Adam Oh really, yeah, giving up the booze and getting up in the morning.

18:01 Jason Bateman Oh yeah, and I don't mean staying up till the wee hours of the morning. I mean getting up for the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, that's very nice.

18:08 Adam All right, Drew, you're looking at Jason's resume? It's quite plentiful, isn't it? Impressive, yes it is. Jim?

18:15 Yes.

18:16 Adam You're 21?

18:18 Caller Yes.

18:18 Drew What's up?

18:20 I've been dating my girlfriend for just under five years and she's been on birth control for three of those years. And the first two years we were together, we were having sex like two, three times a week, you know, pretty average. But a couple months after she started taking the birth control, she, we have sex like maybe two, three times a month.

18:45 Drew So you're equating it, you are blaming it, so to speak, on the birth control pill, right?

18:50 I think so. She's put on some weight.

18:52 Drew Does she report that her sex drive is down since she's been on the pill?

18:56 Adam Report.

18:57 No, she doesn't say that it's the last four months.

18:59 Adam She's got a fedora with the press thing written on it.

19:01 Clipboard, clipboard.

19:03 Adam Hold the presses, folks.

19:05 Drew No, does she say to you, when you complain about this?

19:08 Caller Talked into the microphone like that?

19:09 Drew Does she say that she thinks?

19:11 Well, I don't necessarily complain about it. I just ask her, I say, well, what's wrong? Or it was okay? And she's like, no, I don't feel like it, that type of thing. I'm wondering if it's the pill or if it's the fact that-

19:24 Adam The pill you made her put weight on.

19:26 Drew No, or it could be the fact that you're 21, you've been in relationships since you were 16.

19:29 Adam Five years.

19:31 Drew Things wind down.

19:35 Adam That is all your entire sexual career has been spent at one firm. You know what I mean?

19:40 Jason Bateman Very tactfully put.

19:41 Adam Yes, the firm of-

19:42 Drew It's the Japanese model.

19:43 Adam Yes, yes, chubby chubby and husky. Now listen, Jim, I don't think it's, look, I don't know, Jason, where were you at 16? Did you get hooked up with somebody and stay with them?

19:54 Jason Bateman I was in the same situation, yes. I had a-

19:55 Adam Five years.

19:56 Jason Bateman I had an eight year relationship from the age of 17 on- 25. And-

20:02 Adam Stunting growth.

20:03 Jason Bateman Yeah, it does get a bit quiet.

20:05 Adam Yeah, yeah.

20:07 Jason Bateman And I don't think it was the pill.

20:09 Adam All right.

20:10 Jason Bateman Yeah, I think there's a change there. You know, people do a lot of changing in those years and perhaps what happened with me is happening with you, caller. Maybe you guys have become brother, sister and there's not a whole lot of sexual attraction between siblings or the ones I know.

20:29 Drew Or she sort of was winding down and gets anger, resentful and stuck. And 21, things are supposed to kind of wind down.

20:35 Adam You should though, it sounds brutal, but if you've been in a relationship since 16 and you're now 21, you should almost be forced to break up by the government because in another 18 months, you're gonna get married.

20:47 Drew And that's a mistake.

20:48 Adam And that is a mistake. What do you think of that?

20:52 You think that's a mistake, huh?

20:53 Drew Yeah.

20:54 Adam I do, no matter how great the person is, the idea that you're marrying the person you're in the 10th grade with is not a great plan.

21:01 Drew No, it's not good.

21:02 Adam Unless she's really hot.

21:05 Drew Those end up being relationships where people cheat and this chaos.

21:07 Adam Yeah, I mean, if you're like, you know, you get like banging Nicolette Sheridan when you're 16, like a life Garrett was, you hang on with both hands. You never let go. I swear to Christ, I was looking through one of those like magazines and like people, us people, you people or whatever and there's a picture of like 17 year old Nicolette Sheridan with like 15 year old Leif Garrett and I wanted to build a time machine and go back and strangle it. I was like, you son of a bitch.

21:34 Jason Bateman The troubling part is that-

21:34 Adam I believe you guys were living together.

21:36 Jason Bateman Troubling part is that he was actually hotter than her at that time.

21:40 Adam I know, I would have done him first and then got to her.

21:43 Caller Yeah, oh, either one.

21:46 Jason Bateman It's sad what's going on with that caller though because that's a tough relationship to get out of.

21:51 Drew That's why they're in it, it's hard thinking. It feels like a family member or something.

21:54 Adam Right, so now they're on life support essentially and they're in a holding pattern and whatever other cliche and no one's going anywhere. All right, I say you extricate yourself, yes?

22:07 Jason Bateman Move.

22:08 Adam All right, oh move, yeah, all right. Dell?

22:11 Yeah.

22:12 Adam You're 20?

22:13 Caller I am.

22:14 Adam What's happening, Dell?

22:16 Caller Well, basically, I met this girl that I was, well, I've just met her and I have started on those last months.

22:27 Adam Talking about weaving a yarn. And by the way, do you think something else is coming when you set things up that way? I met this girl that I, a dirigible? No, I just met her. Like, you expect something exciting to jump in, right?

22:40 Drew You don't wanna give us the wrong idea.

22:41 Adam All right, you just met her.

22:42 Drew Might have been on a cruise.

22:43 Adam What's up, Dell? You're lucky I like your name, buddy.

22:46 Caller Oh, really?

22:46 Adam Not enough Dells out there. How's Dell even short for now?

22:51 Caller It's short for Dell-Yo.

22:55 Adam Yeah, but what does everyone else name Dell's short for?

22:58 Caller Delbert.

22:58 Adam Delbert?

22:59 Caller Deltron, I don't know.

23:01 Jason Bateman Delaware.

23:02 Drew Anyway.

23:03 Adam And by the way, you can't just make up things to start with Dell. Dell computers, Del Monte. No, I think Delbert would be what Dell would be short for. Let's go with the girl, buddy. Let's go, let's get it on now.

23:19 Caller I cut myself. And obviously that's not such the great habit. And she, I'm not too cautious. I don't really care about hiding them. So people will notice and obviously she did and she questioned me about it. And it turns out that she had been or used to from sometime when she was in high school or whatever, she used to do the same thing. So it turns out that we both cut each other. Well, not each other, not sorry. We cut ourselves.

23:51 Adam Really? And so now we're seeing each other. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say, you're the first guy named Dell who has a self mutilation problem. Never, cause Dell's your dad's friend. Who sells insurance and enjoys watching billiards on like ESPN5.

24:15 Caller From my understanding, it's mainly a female thing too.

24:18 Adam They're guys that do the cutting on themselves.

24:21 Drew You're right though, it does tend to be more women than men, but when men do do it, it's just-

24:25 Adam Little therapy.

24:25 Drew Well, quite a bit. I think of it as something that people use as a way of trying to manage feelings. They have deficiencies in their ability to regulate their feelings. They feel overwhelmed, and this sort of helps them master some of those awful feelings, and it's usually in abuse survivors.

24:38 Caller For me, it was, I mean, I was telling myself it was a test of willpower at first. Because, and then obviously-

24:44 Drew Anything you're thinking while you're doing something crazy, I mean, the thoughts don't count.

24:48 Caller The thoughts are- I mean, obviously, after the first two times, I can do it, so.

24:51 Drew I understand, but the thought, the thinking you're having are really sort of epiphenomenal. They're artifacts.

24:55 Caller Yeah.

24:56 Drew The fact is, you're doing something irrational and you're trying to make sense of it.

25:00 Caller Yeah.

25:00 Drew The irrational part's what's driving the behavior.

25:04 Adam Well, what'd your parents do to you besides name you Delphonic, or what the hell they call you? Delio?

25:12 Caller Yes, my dad's godfather's name.

25:14 Adam Okay, that's abuse right there.

25:17 Drew I'm certainly a Bannerman.

25:18 Adam Well, you like it, but society is gonna take it out on you. They don't need any Delio.

25:22 Caller Most people don't seem to mind.

25:24 Adam Well, you're calling from very progressive San Francisco. If you move out to Riverside or Lompoc or something, that's where my dad lives, actually, Lompoc.

25:35 Jason Bateman How weird is that? So, Del, what's the problem? Have you guys stopped?

25:40 Caller I'm just wondering, me seeing her, we're trying to help each other stop. We've created a system that whenever we feel like we wanna do it, we just call each other. And that way we try and talk. Say she wants to cut herself. She'll call me up and say, I really wanna cut myself or whatever. And I'll just say, don't do it. It's so far so good. Neither of us have done anything.

26:02 Drew My concern is that you're both sort of fragile and early in this game. And it's kind of like two alcoholics early in sobriety is trying to support somebody, each other, through staying abstinent. You end up sort of being a life preserver for one another and kind of both going down.

26:18 Adam All right, a little therapy for your dad living in Lompoc. Or Lompoc. By the way, when there's no one can figure out how to pronounce your city name, that's a bad thing.

26:28 Drew Especially when it's less than five letters or less.

26:31 Adam Yeah, unless con and can. That's the only exception I'm gonna make. Jason Bateman and Tuesday Night, what a trooper. He's sick.

26:39 Drew And he came in anyway.

26:40 Adam Coughing into a sweater. Not like that Will Arnett. Weak, weak-willed Will, they call him. Weak-willed, they call him.

26:48 Drew You just always used to call him Pussy Will for sure.

26:50 Adam Yeah, Pussy Willow.

26:51 Jason Bateman We're gonna have to bleep that.

26:52 Adam Yeah, that's what we offer. Yeah, Will Arnett did not see fit to make it in. Well, maybe the success of the Arrested Development went to his head. Zach? 16. What's up, champ?

27:08 Caller I want to know how you did on the Celebrity Poker Showdown.

27:12 Adam Well, I didn't do very well.

27:14 Drew What I did too?

27:16 Adam I don't know.

27:17 Drew We were over in Commerce.

27:19 Adam Oh, no, that was something else. This is some other show on... Do you want to check them for TB? Man, tuberculosis.

27:27 Drew I'm thinking lung cancer.

27:28 Jason Bateman We have a smoke break coming up, right?

27:30 Adam Either way. Zach, I want all in about...

27:34 Jason Bateman You can't tell, Adam, unless it's aired yet.

27:38 Adam I think maybe it has. I think it has. I didn't see it, but I think it has.

27:42 Jason Bateman They will sue you.

27:43 Adam Did it air, Zach? What?

27:47 It comes out on the air, it comes out Tuesday.

27:53 Adam Oh, you saw commercial? Oh, so it hasn't aired yet?

27:54 No, but you didn't look too happy on the commercial.

27:57 Adam Well, okay. Here's... Okay, let me just say something. Celebrities are such a pain in the ass. It's really... They're horrible people. They call me and say, you want to come down and play some cards? I have some blackjack. I say, fine, that's great. I'm sitting in between people that worked with a coach...

28:14 Jason Bateman Yeah, that's annoying.

28:15 Adam Who, by the way, freely admit it. Go ahead and do all the work you want. Read the Poker for Dummies. Play some fake hands in your garage all week long in preparation. Don't spout out about, well, my coach told me... You sound like a blowhard when you do that.

28:31 Jason Bateman Will Arnett and I did one for that Bravo thing.

28:34 Adam They must have come to his house, though.

28:36 Jason Bateman Oh, yeah, exactly. So we were doing it with Jenny Garth and her guy, Peter Fettinelli, and they hired a poker tutor and actually brought him into the venue.

28:51 Adam What's wrong with celebrities?

28:53 Jason Bateman He was flashing... they had it all worked out. He was flashing them hand signs all the way through it. And we had to have him escorted out. I mean, it was disgusting.

29:02 Adam It's the craziest thing in the world. I've played... I've done a handful of, you know, celebrity whatever, car races, softball games, poker, whatever. And they're so brutally serious that it sort of borders on obnoxious because you're supposed to be raising money for charity and it's supposed to be a good time. And all of a sudden, everyone gets their game face on. It gets really weird about everything. And I'm laughing it up. I'm having a good time. Here's my whole thing about playing for charity. If I make them money, fine. If I don't, they'll make it. They're not going under.

29:34 Jason Bateman You got the $5,000 parachute or whatever.

29:36 Adam Yeah, you got the whatever. You could give them 25 grand, but they're at least going to get like 2,500 or five grand or whatever. And fine, that's more than they had before you played the tournament. Let's have a cocktail and enjoy ourselves, everybody. Everyone's freaking out, really serious. And I find it obnoxious when people get really serious about non-serious stuff. I don't know why that is. I don't know, it rubs me the wrong way, but to see the guys really get their game face on for nonsense.

30:02 Drew It's sophomoric. It's like, it's immature. It's like, we're back in high school. And you can't differentiate between serious and not serious.

30:10 Adam How insecure are you that you have to beat a couple of seedless celebrities in a game of chance?

30:17 Drew Yeah.

30:18 Adam What's going on?

30:19 Jason Bateman We're a very insecure bunch. It's not a good group to hang with. Man. I'm in here with you guys.

30:25 Caller Yeah, yeah.

30:26 Drew And Will's not.

30:28 Jason Bateman Yeah, Will's out bumping elbows at somebody down at the Celebrity Center.

30:34 Adam I got to swing by that Celebrity Center.

30:36 Drew One of these days.

30:37 Adam Get over there. Yeah. So all the celebs hanging out. Eddie.

30:43 Drew Yeah.

30:43 Adam 25?

30:45 Drew Yeah.

30:45 Adam Oh, all right. What's going on? So I guess the, anyway, I guess the poker celebrity thing I did didn't air. I thought it aired and I just missed it. Go ahead, Eddie.

30:54 Drew The other one that we both did, that one just disappeared.

30:56 Adam Well, oh, that one in like City of Commerce, I think we both got tossed out so early. Drew and I, here's the other thing too. Like we did one of these things like in the City of Commerce, 7,000 people sat down to play poker for 2200 hours. And Drew and I are the same way, which is after about three or four hours of card playing, I'm ready to go home.

31:19 Jason Bateman You're good.

31:20 Adam Here's the deal.

31:21 Drew Traffic's picking up.

31:23 Adam I think we're all probably the same way in that if I make it into the last five, I'll stay. But I've sized up the competition, just taking a look at the numbers. And by the way, I'm a Corolla, I'm cursed. It's not like I'm gonna get good cards. I may make it to the top 400 people. That's gonna get me home about about 8.30, nine at night. I'm gonna fight in traffic all the way. I'm going all in. I'm getting out of here. It's 2.30. I'm gonna miss the traffic. Kimmel doesn't know where I am. I'm gonna go home, beat off, and watch a little TiVo, call of the day. Screw the charity. So, Drew does the same thing. So, we're like going-

31:59 Drew Excluding the TiVo and the beat off.

32:01 Adam Right, in that order. Right, different order. All right, the point is we're going all in on every hand, trying to get the hell out of there now. Everyone else is freaking out. What's going on? What are you doing? It's like, I'm trying to get out of here. Well, you're gonna lose. Well, I'm gonna lose in five hours anyway. If I lose now, I miss traffic. Oh my God. And then when we left, it was like the walk of shame. It's like, sorry, buddy. Are you cool? Or should we talk? There's counselors out in the hall. You can talk to a guy wearing reflective sunglasses and a weird cowboy hat with the big chunks of turquoise around. He's a poker counselor. You need to talk to him. You need to talk you down. And we're like, no, we're cool. We had fun. We're ready to go home. Wow, you're really keeping a stiff upper lip. It's like, oh, why do you guys have to win so badly? What goes on with that with celebrities? Why do you think the competition is one of the things that drew them to it in the first place? Or is that in the personality? So it's like they're 10 year old, right?

33:02 Drew Do you remember 10 year olds couldn't lose?

33:04 Adam Right.

33:04 Drew They were not fun to be around.

33:06 Jason Bateman It's called the rest of development. And speaking of which, there's a great show on.

33:13 Adam Yeah, Fox everybody.

33:15 Jason Bateman Yeah, we're all retarded. Actors, celebrities, celebrities are worse than actors. Actors are just want to be celebrities.

33:21 Drew Right. Well, how about radio guys?

33:22 Jason Bateman Yeah, no, well, no, radio guys. It's laughable.

33:26 Adam No, but radio guys are just idiots. They're not full of themselves. They're just.

33:31 Drew Speak for yourself.

33:31 Adam They just have hygiene problems and self-esteem problems. They're not like celebrities. All right, let's take ourselves a little break. Jason Bateman, Trooper Jason Bateman.

33:43 Jason Bateman Yeah, this is hard work, this is hammering nails.

33:46 Adam Well, evidently it is for Will, Will Arnett that is. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

33:54 Caller A rapist, Loveline.

33:57 Okay, wait, wait, my hair, my hair.

34:01 Loveline is brought to you by the Sony Network Walkman player with up to 30 hours battery life. Sony, like no other.

34:15 Adam Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Jason Bateman, Trooper. Jason Bateman in studio tonight. Success has not changed Jason. He was an ass before, arrested development.

34:31 Drew Remains one now.

34:31 Adam Came around. He remains one today. And if I know Jason a year from now when he comes in.

34:38 Drew Still an asshole.

34:38 Jason Bateman I just don't smell like one anymore.

34:40 Adam That's right. God bless Jason Bateman.

34:43 Drew Oh, you can't smell your own ass.

34:45 Jason Bateman Yes, you can.

34:46 Adam Everyone knows.

34:47 Jason Bateman I'll show you during the next break.

34:49 Adam That's my favorite. Dog can't smell his own ass. Really? Spending 20 minutes sniffing it. Think he's looking for something that's not there. I would have walked away after 10 if I got nothing. I think he smells it. Oh yes. He wouldn't spend so much time hovering over it. I like that move though. I like the foot move after the dog eats me. The back legs. I do. I'd like to start incorporating that into my own BM session where I just legs, feet slide on the tile. Wife having to explain other people's instinct.

35:22 Jason Bateman I have a friend who uses the lid as a back rest while he evacuates his bowels.

35:28 Adam Oh he goes and pushes back.

35:29 Jason Bateman Yeah, he leans back as if he's in like a bark-a-lounger and then he's a front wiper too. That's weird.

35:35 Adam A front wiper, oh.

35:36 Jason Bateman Yeah, like a woman wipes herself. That's how he does it after he's done doing number two. It's just like, really, like is that easier for you?

35:45 Adam Yeah, the front wiper?

35:47 Jason Bateman Don't your obstacles get in the way, guys?

35:48 Adam Well, maybe they don't. Maybe they don't.

35:52 Drew If you're flipping in the front.

35:55 Adam Also, here's one of those things, as long as we're on fecal matter, we can only do about 20 minutes. I, by the way, quick fecal matter story, I told you. I had one of my grandmother's friends explain to me once that she heard me somewhere. She didn't know if it was on TV or on the radio. Talk about fecal matter for 40 minutes straight. And I said, well, it's impossible. They talked about for 40 minutes because eventually we have to go to commercials. He's like, 40 minutes. And I'm like, I don't. For his God is my hand to God. How old is the woman? 82. It's possible.

36:33 Drew It's possible. Maybe she was confusing fecal matter and flatulence.

36:38 Adam Could have combined the two. Could have done 20 on each. All right, let's stay on fecal matter though.

36:44 Jason Bateman Oh please, let's beat your record.

36:46 Adam Let's not digress, yeah. The hand wipe, you go with the good hand or the bad hand? You know, left, you're right-handed, right? You're right-hander? Right? Oh, great, the hand you shake with. With the right hand. Jason?

37:01 Jason Bateman You use your left, just out of courtesy?

37:03 Adam No, but I'm left-handed, and I go with the right.

37:06 Drew Oh, so you make sure it's the one you shake your hand with and eat with?

37:09 Adam Yeah, no, no, no, I'm left-handed, and I go with the right.

37:13 Drew So you shake with the left hand?

37:14 Jason Bateman I'm the same way, but I'm kinda ambidextrous. I write with the left, wipe with the right, shake with the right, throw with the right. I bat righty, I kick lefty, I eat lefty.

37:25 Adam You write with your left hand, but you throw with your right hand?

37:29 Jason Bateman Yes, sir.

37:29 Adam Wow, do you do either one well?

37:34 Jason Bateman Yes, I do, well, I do most things extremely well. Oh, no, no doubt about it. No, I'm quite good with both hands.

37:41 Adam Really?

37:42 Jason Bateman In all areas.

37:43 Adam It's to, I know people get the legs mixed up and all that kind of stuff, but kicking, I mean, throwing and writing is pretty unique with different hands.

37:52 Jason Bateman You throw with the left.

37:53 Adam I throw with the left, I wipe with the right. I feel, I feel, you know why I like, I like my left, I feel like I want my good hand free in case there's trouble when I'm on the pot.

38:02 Jason Bateman Could you wipe with the left if you had to, in a pinch, so to speak?

38:05 Adam Yeah, yeah, I mean, if there was some sort of situation, Disturbance. Like my right hand was caught in a bear trap and I was on the, I was on the crapper, I could probably, I wouldn't want to, I'd probably call Drew in to wipe, but if I couldn't dial the cell phone with my nose, I would definitely wipe with my left, but I feel like I want my good hand free, you know what I mean? If I have to ward off a troublemaker, to fight somebody off, I want the strong hand ready. You, Drew, are gonna have your business hand up your toke is when, when the killer comes in to the bathroom.

38:40 Jason Bateman Lock your bathroom door.

38:41 Adam And you know what? You'll then be a statistic.

38:44 Drew I've thought this through very carefully. And I want to get the business taken care of as fast and efficiently as possible so there's a limited period of time.

38:51 Adam Less vulnerability.

38:52 Drew For the hun to come bursting in the door, I figured that.

38:55 Jason Bateman And beat them off with a plunger.

38:56 Drew Substantially reduced by making it quick and efficient.

38:59 Adam You're probably right.

39:00 Jason Bateman My wife hates this segment right now, by the way.

39:02 Adam All right, well.

39:03 Drew So does Anderson.

39:04 Adam Well, keep going. And I won't tell you about the ants I urinated on that were near the sink today. Let me tell you. Yeah, last night. Let me tell you what the problem with ants are. Once in a while, please be, everyone be honest. Once in a while, there's nothing better than whizzing on ants. There is, it's cathartic. It's strong. It's visceral. You've never whizzed on ants.

39:27 Jason Bateman What, outside or in your house?

39:29 Drew Anim is the thing about ruining civilizations and things. You have to take snow globes and hold it next to his penis. Whoa, the city is afraid. Penis coming down.

39:38 Adam Well, everyone does that.

39:39 Drew And he pees on ants.

39:42 Adam Here's all I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying. Once in a while, there's some ants crawling on your toilet or on your sink or something and you want to whizz on them. You want to whizz them down, right? All right, now here's where the problem comes. When they're right on the part of the toilet where you hit them and it washes them in the toilet, it's fine. Once in a while, you get one that's just around the cusp. It's on the rim and it looks like it might go outside. You pull the trigger with the whiz. That's dangerous because it gets outside of the toilet. Never whizzed on ants.

40:11 Jason Bateman The problem is that you have ants crawling around your toilet bowl. So you might want to look into your diet. Probably not fully digesting your food. You're leaving a little something for the ants.

40:20 Adam I'll write that down.

40:21 Jason Bateman Yeah.

40:22 Adam Okay, so never whizzed on ants.

40:24 Jason Bateman Never.

40:25 Adam Wow. Wow, I'm sorry, your highness.

40:27 Drew You whizz in a sink regularly?

40:29 Jason Bateman I have done.

40:30 Adam Yeah.

40:32 Jason Bateman Yes, in a crowded bar bathroom.

40:34 Adam Sure, you gotta do. You gotta do what you gotta do.

40:37 Drew He does, Jason does it when there's not a latrine or toilet bowl available.

40:41 Adam All right, but if you don't train at home, how are you gonna be ready when you're in a crowded bar?

40:47 Drew How do I answer that?

40:48 Caller Yeah, you can't.

40:49 Adam You just say, to shame, we move on.

40:51 Caller Eddie?

40:52 Yes.

40:53 Adam You're 25?

40:54 Caller Yes.

40:55 Adam What's up?

40:56 Caller My girlfriend and I both have herpes, and I just found out recently that she's pregnant and we're gonna try to keep the baby. We wanna know what kind of risks are involved for the baby as far as getting herpes or what we have to do as far as maybe if there's a way of preventing the baby from getting it or whatnot.

41:14 Drew Why did you discuss that with her obstetrician?

41:17 Caller We haven't gone to a doctor yet. Tuesday we go to a doctor.

41:20 Drew How did she find out she was pregnant?

41:22 Caller Pregnancy test and a blood test.

41:25 Drew When they did the blood test, why didn't she talk to the doctor?

41:27 Adam Well, come on, this is a little apprehensive.

41:31 Caller We had to go to another doctor for the blood test and she just got her referral to the doctor.

41:35 Adam Hold on, Drew, this is not bogus.

41:38 Drew It's bogus feel to it, but anyway.

41:39 Adam How boring could a bogus call be? What about herpes?

41:43 Drew Herpes are far less of an issue during pregnancy than we used to think. There are medication that can suppress it and obviously a C-section, a C-section can reduce the risk. So it's not as big of a deal as we used to think.

41:54 Adam Is, are you more likely, if you have vaginal or genital herpes, are you more likely to break out during the time that's close to the time you deliver because of stress or pressure?

42:05 Drew We used to say that a lot, but it doesn't seem to be the case. Really doesn't.

42:08 Adam Doesn't.

42:08 Drew No.

42:09 Adam And you can't make contact with the herpes, right?

42:13 Drew They could if the baby would, as it was coming down the canal, and that would be a real big problem.

42:17 Adam What about a vaginal? What about some sort of liner? Like, you know, trash can liner or something, or some sort of chute?

42:22 Drew Vageliner?

42:23 Adam Yeah, put up there.

42:24 Drew No.

42:24 Adam Kid wouldn't have to touch anything. I don't like the idea that I've touched my mom's vagina. You know what I mean? I mean, technically.

42:31 Drew Yeah, you touch it. You just sort of.

42:32 Adam No, I have.

42:33 Drew You've leaned up against it.

42:34 Drew You brushed it.

42:35 Adam No, I brushed it. And she liked it. No, I don't like that. You know what I mean? There's no loofah big enough to clean yourself off from that one, Drew.

42:44 Drew Is that what you're doing all the time?

42:45 Adam I would prefer if I knew, I came down through something that was lined.

42:50 Jason Bateman Well, you could make a mint with a vaginal lining, some sort of a-

42:54 Adam No kidding.

42:55 Jason Bateman Called GLAAD. Listen to this.

42:57 Caller Your wiener is actually in those. Technically, you're not a virgin.

43:01 Adam Oh, wiener was in mom. Yeah, and it passed through mom's vagina. I mean, Anderson is right.

43:08 Drew Anderson, philosopher, philosopher king.

43:10 Adam Yeah, and here's the other thing too. I think this liner could be used for things outside of the hospital room. Do you know what I'm saying? There's other applications for it.

43:20 Drew You mean like a false vagina?

43:22 Adam No, no, I'm not in the vagina. I'm talking about the finger trap, like Chinese finger trap. You could use it for.

43:27 Jason Bateman That's a female condom too.

43:29 Adam Oh yeah, yeah. Remember there used to be the bank?

43:32 Drew Female condom, yeah.

43:34 Adam It never caught on, did it?

43:35 Drew No, it didn't.

43:36 Adam And true, remember eight years ago, you were talking about it, and I was saying, are you high? No one's gonna use this. Did anyone ever use it?

43:42 Drew A couple of people, I'm sure did.

43:43 Adam No, nobody ever did. William?

43:46 Caller Hey, Adam. First of all, Anderson, you need to come back to the Loveline Companion.

43:51 Drew Yeah.

43:52 Adam Why, what happened? Where, what's the Loveline Companion? Website?

43:57 Drew Yeah.

43:58 Adam It's a website?

43:59 Caller Yeah. Yeah, oh my God, thousands of Loveline fans on there.

44:03 Adam God bless all of you. And what did Anderson do? He left all of you?

44:07 Caller Well, I heard he used to be on there, and he used to type on the form.

44:12 Caller I was looking for your Hawaiian rant, and I couldn't figure out, remember the big debacle with the Hawaiian rant? Right. I didn't know what to do when it happened, and I went on there, and I asked when it happened, and like within half an hour, they gave me the exact date.

44:24 Adam It was crazy. We got pulled off our Hawaiian station because I called Hawaiians stupid. And I'm sorry, because it turns out they're geniuses, they really are. Think about all the great inventions, all the great literature. Think about everything that's come out of medicine, you name it, from the arts.

44:41 Jason Bateman At least they voted Democrat alliance.

44:43 Adam Think about the amazing culture Hawaiian is. Not physically, everyone knows. Well, got the huge calves and these are superior people. It's not physically.

44:52 Caller This is not the direction I was really aiming for.

44:54 Adam I'm just saying, people don't realize the intellectual prowess of the Hawaiian people.

44:58 Drew The complex alphabet. True.

45:00 Caller They invented surfing and tattoos, they can't be open.

45:02 Drew They invented tribal tattoos, really?

45:04 Adam Yeah, no, no, it's, again, every book in the library was written by a Hawaiian, that's all I'm saying. Every classical song written by a Hawaiian. Just do the math. Hey, this is Shuttle, that's a Hawaiian. Oh, by the way, the thing, the Fat Boy and the whole hydrogen bomb and nuclear bomb, that whole program, Hawaiians.

45:26 Drew Of course.

45:27 Hawaiians.

45:28 Adam Like two Germans, but the rest were Hawaiian.

45:30 They won't realize that.

45:31 Adam You ready to go here? We're talking about Drew. William?

45:34 Caller Yeah, two quick questions. What steps should I take to get into the world of broadcasting?

45:39 Hmm.

45:40 Adam Where, what do you, you want to be on the air?

45:42 Yeah.

45:44 Adam All right. And what, what do you want to do? You want to talk?

45:47 Caller I want to be the next Loveline DJ.

45:50 Adam Oh, okay. That's, could be sooner than you think. You want to, you want to handle a call? All right, Drew, how do we do this?

45:58 Drew I don't think we can. Anderson's got to do it.

45:59 Adam We'll have a young William take a call.

46:02 Drew Okay.

46:02 Adam All right. Who do we want to talk to?

46:04 Drew I think I have line two.

46:05 Adam Line two? Anderson, are you ready, William? Yeah.

46:10 Drew Yeah.

46:10 Adam Eddie?

46:11 Caller Yes.

46:12 Adam All right, William's going to help you tonight. Go ahead, William.

46:14 Caller All right, Loveline, what's your question?

46:17 Caller Well, I'm an uncircumcised male, really. And when I have sex with my girlfriend, it's like, we have to use a condom because, you know, the skin pulls back a lot.

46:36 Caller Drew, that's why you make the big bucks.

46:39 Jason Bateman This guy's already quitting.

46:42 Adam Come on, William, here we go, buddy.

46:44 Caller Well, I was wondering what steps I should take to try to remedy that, for sex without a condom, and would it be wise to have a circumcision?

46:54 Caller Um, yeah, yeah, or more lubrication or something, dude.

47:01 Adam Come on.

47:01 Caller Yeah, I've gone that route, but...

47:06 Adam Hold on one second, buddy.

47:07 Drew Let me just talk to everybody.

47:09 Adam You know, it's funny, we do this once in a while, maybe once a year, and the poor caller always readily talks to the young idiot who takes our place, and they never go, what the F's going on? They call the talk to a 10th grader. All right, God bless both of you. William's doing a decent job at 16. I mean, it's a baptism by fire.

47:31 Drew Confidence and verve.

47:33 Adam Yeah, all right, let's try it. Pot them up again, Anderson. Let's see what we got. Yeah, let's go with both of them. Get William and Eddie. William is 16, he's calling from Paramount. I don't even know where that is. Paramount? Where's Paramount?

47:48 Caller It's about south of LA.

47:49 Adam South Gate, South Gate, okay. All right, so keep going with Eddie. Go ahead, Eddie.

47:55 Caller Is this a new person?

47:57 Adam No, you got the same crappy old one.

47:59 Caller Go ahead, Eddie.

48:01 Caller Well, yeah, I was wondering what I should do about sex with being uncircumcised, like to kind of get around the fact that...

48:12 Caller Well, if your girlfriend doesn't like it, I say get a new girlfriend. She's gonna have to deal with that, that's her problem.

48:18 Caller No, no, she likes it. It causes pain for me sometimes.

48:22 Caller Get uncircumcised.

48:24 Caller You think that would be the best route?

48:26 Adam Get uncircumcised?

48:28 Caller Or wait, no, no, no, get uncircumcised.

48:31 Caller Get uncircumcised.

48:33 Caller Well, get, well, I don't know, is that possible?

48:36 Caller I'm sure of that.

48:36 Adam All right, no, they try, they try. Angry gays mainly, but they try. All right, William.

48:43 Caller Yes.

48:43 Adam Yes. Hold on a second. I don't know, and I think I put Eddie on, huh? Let's get Eddie back up again. All right, Eddie, sorry. That's a little experiment didn't work.

48:53 Drew Eddie, Eddie, the deal is, the reason there's irritation is the head of the foreskin, the top of the foreskin kind of narrows, it's called a stenosis, and the more it narrows, the more it tears when you pull it back, and so it scars more and narrows more. It's sort of an inexorable process you get involved with. This is why somebody would have a circumcision. There's no reason you should go through this. Go and have a circumcision.

49:15 Adam It seems like more people, I mean, let's just say, go back 20 years. The idea of anyone over 15 or anyone over five months getting a circumcision was bizarre and unheard of.

49:27 Drew No one had any foreskin.

49:29 Adam Oh really? I just think it was also less popular. I don't know if it's medical science has done something.

49:38 Jason Bateman Is a circumcision something that he needs to worry about being extremely painful? I mean, what's the procedure with that?

49:44 Drew Once you're an adult, this age, at age 23, it's pretty painful. You're out of commission for a couple of weeks. It's not nearly as easy to go through as an infant.

49:52 Jason Bateman Is it a local anesthetic or is it a general?

49:54 Drew Not a general, but they probably put him in some kind of twilight sleep.

49:57 Adam That's, I explain to you all the time, Drew, that's what people think of as general.

50:01 Drew General means-

50:02 Adam General means someone's breathing for you.

50:04 Drew Yeah, general means you are paralyzed and all your body functions are taken over by the anesthesiologist, especially respiratory.

50:11 Adam You have three, society has two. Society has local, which means you get a shot in your ding-a-ling and they work on it while you stare at it. And then there's general, which means you're asleep when they work on your ding-a-ling. Drew, there's one in between, which is where you'll be, which is asleep, but not general, it's a technicality. Yes, Drew?

50:30 Drew Technicality is a profoundly different stage.

50:31 Adam No, no, I don't mean that, I just mean when everyone is talking about general, they're talking about being asleep.

50:39 Jason Bateman Now, is that skin that is lopped off, are there nerves in that skin, or is it just kinda like your earlobe?

50:47 Drew More like your earlobe.

50:47 Jason Bateman Yeah, so then it doesn't necessarily hurt when it's trimmed off.

50:50 Drew It does, it's not fun, it hurts.

50:55 Adam But it's not hurting.

50:56 Jason Bateman But it shouldn't stop him from doing it.

50:58 Drew Well, he doesn't have any troubles functioning sexually, is this a constant problem, why not?

51:03 Adam And I would argue that doing it on adults is much more commonplace than it was 10, 20 years ago.

51:11 Drew And I'm saying it's because there is so much foreskin around now in this country. And the other thing is, this thing Eddie's got is gonna get worse.

51:17 Adam We're gonna start exporting, right?

51:19 Drew Well, we did it one time. It is gonna get worse, and it's gonna cause more discomfort as time goes along.

51:24 Adam Yeah, I don't know that there's that much more foreskin here than there was 20 years ago.

51:30 Drew People obsessing about foreskin in the last 10 years. Oh, somebody took my foreskin when I was a baby.

51:34 Jason Bateman Oh, people are wanting to keep it now?

51:36 Adam Drew's angry, by the way. Here's the thing. There's these groups that wanna sue their parents because they took their foreskin.

51:44 Jason Bateman Oh, really?

51:45 Adam Yeah.

51:45 Drew I get angry people that have energy about meaningless things.

51:48 Adam Yeah, and then they're trying to recreate it using duct tape and weights and stuff, and walk around feeling like half a man. But it's all the same. And by the way, these are the same guys who write all the letters. It's the same people. They're just, here's basically what happened. So I know we're going to break. Jason Bateman here now. There's a segment of society that was abused by their parents physically, mentally, sexually, and now society becomes their canvas for which they can rub their crap onto.

52:19 Jason Bateman We all represent the parents. The noisy minority.

52:22 Adam The noisy minority. And they're angry, and they don't admit it.

52:26 Drew And by the way, it's not a simple minority. It's a tiny minority.

52:30 Adam Right.

52:30 Drew Tiny.

52:31 Adam Right, right, right. Anyone say ACLU? The one who, they're suing Logan Airport now for profiling. Yeah, fantastic. So you want to talk about angry? How about we just get those ACLU guys, some foreskins, get them moving, pack it up. Come on, fellas, here's your foreskin, let's go. Move forward now. You got bigger fish to fry. Take a quick break. Get them some huevos while we're at it, too. And we'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody, it's Adam.

53:03 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

53:04 Adam Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

53:07 Drew Yes, sir.

53:08 Adam You spray that on, you give stink the axe. Hey, everybody, Loveline, I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-LLVE-191, Jason Bateman in here tonight from Arrested Development, Sunday night, 8.30 on Fox. All righty, I got a question for Jason. Ooh, Heidi's got an anal question. Bring it. Yeah, that sounds good. Heidi?

53:35 Yeah?

53:36 Adam You're 18?

53:37 Caller Yes.

53:39 Adam What's up, Heidi?

53:41 Caller Um, I've been dating this guy for about two weeks.

53:45 Adam Mm-hmm.

53:45 Caller And I had sex with him about four days ago, I think, and he was trying to do the anal thing.

53:53 Adam Wow, progressive.

53:56 Caller Seemed weird.

53:57 Adam That's a guy with an agenda, by the way. I mean, the first time you guys had sex?

54:02 Jason Bateman Is he Greek?

54:03 Adam Is he Greek, yes. Jason brings up a very good point.

54:07 Drew I think this calls for the infinite wisdom of Chief Thunder Bear. Uh-oh.

54:11 Adam Oh, really?

54:11 Drew Yes, we have an American Indian gynecologist who consults with us. Is he on a pager? He does, no, he comes in once in a while. Because I saw him out in the lobby.

54:20 Adam Let's see what's out in the hall.

54:21 Drew Yeah, and he'll come in and I have to translate for him. He only speaks a certain dialect of Choctaw. But he's very helpful in calls like that.

54:29 Adam He was playing Tetris out in the game room over there. Yeah.

54:33 Caller You want me to get him?

54:34 Drew Yeah, would you? Heidi, Heidi, hang on a second, all right?

54:37 Caller Hold on a second.

54:38 Drew You'll like this guy. He's a very nice guy.

54:41 Is Justin there?

54:42 Drew Wait, hold on a second.

54:43 Jason Bateman No, Justin's left. Jason's here, though.

54:47 Drew Heidi, hold on. I see Chief Thunder Bear right now. Hold on.

54:55 Caller Here we are.

54:56 Guys, we're on the air.

55:00 Adam I think he's coming.

55:02 Drew We need to get him quick. We only have a minute and a half left. Oh, Chief Thunder Bear, thank you for joining us.

55:07 Adam Hi, well, hey, hey.

55:08 Drew Hi, good evening. Good evening.

55:09 Adam Hey, hey, hey. Oh, hi, hey, Chief Thunder Bear, interested development.

55:15 Drew Yes, indeed, she loves that show.

55:16 Adam Have not seen. Hey, I'm not here, great things. Hey, hi, hi, hi.

55:23 Drew Hi.

55:23 Adam Oh, Michelle, he likes some coffee. Michelle, some coffee.

55:28 Drew He'll bless you and your family to get some coffee. Coffee.

55:34 Adam Chief, Chief.

55:35 Drew Chief, you notice the difference between this engineer and the other one? This one's running to get coffee, she's impressed. And she's running to get coffee.

55:44 Adam Yeah, why? And then they decap, yeah, and then they decap.

55:46 Drew Yeah, BSIs, yes, she's impressed. But I don't know who's gonna conclude the show, but so be it, let's talk to Heidi here.

55:52 Adam Yeah, hey.

55:53 Drew Heidi, you're on with Chief Thunder Bear. Yeah, hey. Hey, hey.

55:59 Hey, hey.

56:04 Jason Bateman Chief, she's been dating this guy for two weeks and he tried to punch her in the seat about four days ago and she wants to know what she should do about this.

56:13 Drew His people call him Maze.

56:15 Adam Oh, hey, hey.

56:16 Jason Bateman I see.

56:17 Adam Maze-ho-la.

56:19 Jason Bateman So she was not clear as to whether he actually succeeded at this, but what do you people do when this situation comes about?

56:36 Adam Maze-ho-la, corn-ho-la, hey.

56:38 Drew First of all, Jason, he's offended. Well, he's afraid that the gods are offended by this question, too. He's having to say a prayer.

56:49 Adam Hey, hey, hey, corn-ho-la, hey.

56:52 Drew Okay, God's, God's are appeased, God's are appeased.

56:56 Jason Bateman Oh no, he's sleeping now.

56:58 Drew You know, Heidi, we're gonna have to take a break here.

57:00 Adam Oh, what?

57:00 Drew Chief, we have to take a break.

57:02 Adam Yeah, hey, now the cake, hey, oh, wah-ha, Tetris.

57:04 Drew We have, you can play Tetris during the break, but we'll just take a little break right now. Heidi, we're gonna get back to you in a second. The chief would like to help you with this problem. So this is the area, now that he's appeased the gods, he would really like to dig into your problem.

57:16 Adam What a soluble loop, oh, what a dick, hey, hey.

57:21 Drew We'll be right back.

57:22 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

58:17 Drew Heidi.

58:17 Adam Hey, nana, hey.

58:23 Drew Just to reset, we are here with Jason Bateman, we're here with Chief Thunder Bear.

58:26 Adam You know, wah, hey, guy, ah, nana.

58:28 Drew You like him?

58:29 Adam Good luck, yeah.

58:29 Drew Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah. Hi, this is now how I do. Yeah, sure.

58:36 Caller I've had a big crush on him and his sister since I could remember.

58:39 Adam Oh, yeah, hey.

58:41 Drew I'm gonna translate, I'm gonna translate for the chief and his sister?

58:44 Adam Yeah, yeah, wah, what's that all about?

58:47 Jason Bateman Yeah, so you're interested in both of us, huh?

58:50 Caller You guys are amazing. Yes, is that so wrong?

58:55 Jason Bateman Well, no, we actually have a package rate. We can come to you in any city as long as you're on the West Coast.

59:06 Drew I'm in Portland.

59:08 Jason Bateman Portland, great, we'll fire up the camper.

59:10 Drew Did you have a question for Chief Thunder Bear, the American Indian Chalk Toss Weekend Gynecologist?

59:15 Adam Yeah, wah, hey, Hannah.

59:16 Drew He's at your service. Oh, yeah, oh, yes, he remembers. What about it?

59:23 Caller Well, I puckered up as soon as he started doing what he was doing, and I don't understand how people do that.

59:33 Adam Oh, well, yeah, hey, fire water, hey, hey, hey, hey, whomp, whomp, hey.

59:38 Drew Basically, he's sort of giving you a litany of means whereby using social lubricants, such as alcohol, or bare fat, or being paid for this activity, I guess, in his culture.

59:58 Caller What about condoms?

1:00:00 Drew What about condoms? Certainly, Chief, use a condom? Well, certainly a better idea.

1:00:07 Adam Hey, a beaver gut, yeah, yeah.

1:00:09 Drew He used animal gut condoms, but it's something that, really, you want to protect yourself, he says, against sexually transmitted diseases.

1:00:16 Adam Hey, hey, gee, I'll take you home. No hunt buffalo will take you, yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

1:00:22 Drew I knew. What's that?

1:00:23 Caller You can get venereal diseases.

1:00:26 Drew You can get and give, yes, it's the most effective way to give venereal diseases through anal intercourse.

1:00:32 Jason Bateman You can also, so I hear, get yourself a nice little infection if he goes there and then comes back upstairs on you, and I don't mean upstairs to the top floor, just that one that's, yes, that one.

1:00:48 Adam Skid mark on tomahawk. Yeah, yeah, one that one.

1:00:52 Jason Bateman So if he's gonna go there, make sure he finishes it.

1:00:54 Drew Chief just pointed out that he's seen many.

1:00:57 Adam How about you smoke him peace pipe instead? You know what, Chief, I mean.

1:01:02 Drew Chief, just a sidebar, say, Chief.

1:01:08 Adam What are you, Japanese?

1:01:10 Caller Yeah, hey, then I'll catch you.

1:01:14 Drew Okay, he's done with that. Thank you, Chief, thank you. You were no help tonight, but I mean, you were great help tonight.

1:01:18 Adam Hey, one that hit you, yeah, hey, yeah.

1:01:20 Drew I know. Yeah, you can crawl in on it, can't you?

1:01:23 Adam How was that?

1:01:23 Drew He was in the commode most of the time. It was not a good night for him.

1:01:26 Adam Not a great night?

1:01:26 Drew He was all right. He's always a pleasure.

1:01:28 Adam He seemed angry.

1:01:29 Drew He seemed angry when he was. Michelle got him coffee like that.

1:01:33 Adam I was wondering what she was doing, hustling down the hall. Chris never gets him coffee unless he must like her.

1:01:38 Drew Comes like a statue.

1:01:40 Adam Yah, yah. Yah, yah. You're 17? Your name's Yah, yah?

1:01:46 Caller Yes.

1:01:47 Adam All right, what's up? What's happening?

1:01:51 Caller Well, the background of it is that I had a really bad family life and I had a really bad relationship with men. So, about a year ago, I started turning to women and I'm wondering if this is a prelude to homosexuality or if it's just the state of confusion. I just, I wanted a second opinion on it.

1:02:15 Adam Well, I think a prelude to homosexuality when you're going down on a check is-

1:02:21 Drew It's not a prelude.

1:02:22 Adam That's it.

1:02:22 Drew That's the coda.

1:02:23 Adam Yah, that's the coda.

1:02:27 Drew And confusion is about going back and forth between men and women. And one of the reasons women do, there are many, some are biological reasons, others, you know, various kinds of trauma. But brutalization by men is a common reason.

1:02:43 Adam Yes.

1:02:44 Caller Well, the thing is, I can still be attracted to men, but the thought of actually being with a man, it just, it completely turns me off. It makes my skin crawl.

1:02:55 Adam All right, well, hold on. Let's try to work this out for a second because when a guy gets sexually abused and then becomes gay, there's no turning back. I don't believe.

1:03:07 Drew There's no confusion.

1:03:09 Adam It gets wired into him. Nature or nurture, whether, you know, God made you gay or your uncle made you gay, either way you're gay and that's about it.

1:03:17 Drew Well, but there's confusion in males too. There are men who have sex with men that are not gay.

1:03:24 Adam Yeah.

1:03:25 Jason Bateman Like in your case, Adam.

1:03:26 Adam Yeah, like I'm straight, but you know, I like to pack a little fudge.

1:03:30 Jason Bateman Fridays are a big day for you.

1:03:32 Adam Fridays, my people Sabbath. Brown Sabbath. Here's the point, a lot of ass talk tonight. Here's my point. If I admit it.

1:03:41 Drew Inspired by Jason Bateman.

1:03:42 Adam Here's what I'm saying.

1:03:43 Jason Bateman I did not start it.

1:03:45 Adam You finished it.

1:03:46 Drew Inspired, inspired.

1:03:47 Adam Here's the point. I believe a woman who was abused and turned off to men has a better shot of going back to men than a guy who got turned off to women and is on to men. What do you think of that?

1:03:58 Drew I agree.

1:03:58 Adam More flexibility somehow.

1:04:00 Drew Well, interestingly though, with males, they're usually sexually abused by males and then turned to males. With women, they're sexually abused by males and turned off to males.

1:04:09 Adam Yeah. Women do have it right that way. It's the one thing they're right about. Yes, you should hate and be turned off to whatever the gender was of whoever traumatized you. For men, it's like being tortured by Germans and hating Mexicans. What the hell are we thinking?

1:04:28 Drew They wanted to move to Germany.

1:04:30 Adam Yeah, they wanted to move to Germany. Yeah, but women, they're smart. They get tortured by Germans. They hate Germans. They moved to Sweden. Yeah?

1:04:38 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:04:38 Adam All right. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah?

1:04:42 Drew Yes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:04:44 Jason Bateman Your options are still open, I think, is the verdict.

1:04:47 Drew Well, it's not that they're open. It's that it makes sense that you're doing what you're doing.

1:04:51 Adam Don't disagree with the guest, by the way.

1:04:52 Drew But I'm not disagreeing with him.

1:04:53 Adam Such bad form.

1:04:54 Drew You know, I did not mean to disagree. I'm just saying not only that, but the fact is you're going the way you're going.

1:05:04 Adam That was better than Jason's answer. You're going the way you're going.

1:05:07 Drew But she wants it to sort of not be happening, and it is happening. It's happening. For whatever reason, it's happening, it's happening.

1:05:13 Adam All right. So here's the thing. If you're abused, you need to get some therapy. The sexual thing will sort of... Okay, good. Stick with it. You're 17.

1:05:21 Jason Bateman And you don't need therapy for being gay or bi or straight.

1:05:25 Drew She was brutalized by men, though.

1:05:28 Jason Bateman But I mean, don't feel bad about experimenting with women. And even if you stay with women, that's great, too.

1:05:35 Caller Well, my issues with men are my father, he left when I was three, my biological father. And my stepfather physically abused me and molested me. And I was seeing my therapist, I lived with my mother in Los Angeles. And about the moment I turned 17, I moved out and I couldn't afford my therapist anymore. And he said that he would continue seeing me for free because he thought I needed the help.

1:06:06 Adam So not my therapist. When he found out we got to renew for the man show, he wanted more money, a little different. It's a Hollywood thing. He wanted a bump.

1:06:15 Drew Somebody has to cover for the yaias.

1:06:17 Adam One at 10%.

1:06:17 Jason Bateman It gives credibility.

1:06:19 Adam Yeah.

1:06:20 Jason Bateman Awful.

1:06:20 Adam Yeah. When we signed some blank cards too, and I said, who you want me to make it out to? And he just write your name.

1:06:25 Jason Bateman That's therapist abuse.

1:06:26 Adam Yeah, really is. Hey, yeah, yeah, good. Stick with the therapist. And as far as, and listen, all you girls, you don't have to declare major sexually, but you don't have to act out either. Right.

1:06:38 Drew If you're confused, sit tight. Don't do anything.

1:06:41 Adam Yeah, just put the vagina up on the shelf. On the shelf for a couple of blocks, a year or so. You just rest it. You know, it's all right. You don't need anybody else.

1:06:51 Jason Bateman It's not gonna close up on you.

1:06:53 Adam No, no, no, it's not like a piercing where if you pull out the penis, it'll close. It'll close out. It's not like a nose hoop or something. Drew won't do that, will it?

1:07:03 Drew I keep telling my wife that.

1:07:09 Adam Drew's got two tacks with the wife, the vagina, will grow shut. And by the way, as a doctor, you bring cred to that.

1:07:16 Drew It's where it works.

1:07:17 Adam Right, you got that. So that needs to be yoked out a couple of times a week. And then with the daughter, not yet, but soon you're gonna start working the calorie semen angle, right?

1:07:30 Drew Yes, yes, oh yes.

1:07:31 Adam 150,000 calories per eyedropper full of semen. And here's a new angle. It can be absorbed through the skin. Beautiful. Scalp and chest, very porous. Eric, you're 24. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, you got a big fan. What's that? Oh, really? All right, getting close. Next year, you have the talk.

1:08:10 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:08:12 Adam Oh, yeah, you want to talk to Jason? Yeah, buddy. Go ahead.

1:08:15 Caller Yay, man, I'm probably your biggest straight fan.

1:08:18 Caller Ha ha.

1:08:21 Uh-oh. Wow. How long did you guys get re-signed for?

1:08:26 Jason Bateman Well, the plan is to do another full season, which is 22 episodes. That'll take us through till March, and airing shows until, I don't know, May, I think, providing you tell enough of your friends to tune in, because we have more viewers.

1:08:43 Caller I loved the first season, and I got nervous.

1:08:50 Jason Bateman Yeah, hopefully we keep going. Thank you, thanks for watching. It's not a bad show. I'm glad to be a part of it.

1:08:56 Caller The way that stuff's going around nowadays.

1:09:00 Drew All right, Eric, thanks.

1:09:01 Adam Hey, Eric, it's ironic that you're straight and you sound like a Harvey Fierstein. Is it, you don't find that ironic?

1:09:12 Jason Bateman You see what my fan base is? This is why I have trouble getting ratings. They can't seem to turn on the TV. They can't find the button.

1:09:19 Adam I'm your only straight fan. By the way, it's always marginally insulting from a guy who's heard, I'm your only fan or your biggest whatever fan. It makes them feel like there's not a lot of you out there. I'll decide who the biggest fan is. You don't get to dub yourself the biggest fan. People do that all the time. Oh, Pat's, I'm the biggest Pat's fan, biggest Dodger fan, biggest Drew fan, Bateman fan. No, we'll decide, right?

1:09:43 Jason Bateman Right.

1:09:43 Adam Drew will make your annual announcement every year.

1:09:45 Jason Bateman I am the biggest Dodger fan. You can rest assured.

1:09:49 Adam You see, engineer Michelle is a big Dodger fan, you see?

1:09:52 Jason Bateman I'm real keen on the blue.

1:09:55 Drew So we're gonna get the-

1:09:55 Adam So is she.

1:09:57 Drew Or Piazza in this?

1:09:58 Adam No.

1:09:58 Jason Bateman I think that Sosa thing's gone.

1:10:00 Yeah, but I do think we're getting Piazza, which is a bad move, and I don't think we're getting- And I don't think we're getting Beltray back, so.

1:10:08 Jason Bateman Yeah, I think you might be right on that.

1:10:10 Adam I can get Lasorda to decide which one's a bigger fan, though.

1:10:14 Jason Bateman I want Jason Veritek.

1:10:15 Yeah.

1:10:16 Adam You're like any guy named Jason.

1:10:17 Jason Bateman That's true.

1:10:18 Adam You want to be like Veritek. All right, here's, what are we gonna do, Drew?

1:10:22 Jason Bateman Let's get back to sex.

1:10:23 Drew Let's get back to sex.

1:10:24 Adam Let's go, let's break it down. Grab a knee, everybody. Don't sit on your helmet. It's not a chair. When I say gentleman, I use that term loosely. All right, let's get back to the phones. Rebecca?

1:10:37 Caller Yes.

1:10:38 Adam 25?

1:10:39 Caller Yes.

1:10:40 Adam What's happening?

1:10:41 Caller My question is, I was just listening to your show.

1:10:45 Adam Hold on a second. I was thinking about Brian Grazer and Ron Howard, right? They're producers of your show, right?

1:10:52 Jason Bateman Producers and my bosses.

1:10:55 Adam Do you get to meet them? You get to see them?

1:10:56 Jason Bateman Yes, I have. They're both extremely wonderful men. They're both great. And in fact, I'd love to be so lucky as to deal with my career with Ron Howard's done with his. That'd be a nice direction to go.

1:11:10 Adam Yeah, I've not, he's done all right. As a matter of fact, I think his Saving Private Ryan was on tonight by the way. Great movie.

1:11:19 Jason Bateman No, that's not it. That's Steven Spielberg.

1:11:22 Adam Oh, Spielberg, wait.

1:11:23 Jason Bateman Very close.

1:11:24 Adam Oh, that's right. When we directed, that's right. I don't know what I'm thinking of. Are you ready to rock?

1:11:29 Caller Yeah, Rebecca?

1:11:31 Caller Yes.

1:11:32 Adam What's happening?

1:11:34 Caller My question is, cause I'm sure you guys have had anal sex, what's it for the female? Cause my boyfriend is always talking about that. And I mean, I'm kind of willing to try it, but I just.

1:11:44 Drew Hang on a second. What was that opening volume?

1:11:48 Adam Sure, we've all had anal sex.

1:11:51 Jason Bateman I'm not sure we can let that go by. And let's look, can you preface it with a hypothetically?

1:11:56 Drew Well, let's, let's, let's register. Let's, let's ring in here. That is a behavior that I do not understand. I cannot get my head around it.

1:12:05 Jason Bateman Because you've, you've.

1:12:09 Drew I don't, I don't, thanks Rebecca. I don't, I don't get it.

1:12:13 Adam You don't get it, but he gives it, I'll tell you that.

1:12:15 Drew You traveled with it.

1:12:16 Jason Bateman You don't get it because you've tried it and didn't know it.

1:12:18 Drew No, didn't try it, not interested, would never have occurred to me if people weren't talking about it.

1:12:21 Jason Bateman Well, you can't speak about it because you haven't tried it then.

1:12:22 Drew No, no, I'm saying. I'm not saying it's a bad thing I would never do. I'm saying it would never, ever occur to me in a million years.

1:12:30 Jason Bateman To try to do it, right?

1:12:32 Drew That would even, that could not cross my mind. Really?

1:12:34 Jason Bateman I don't, I don't get it myself. You've never done it? I, yes, I have. Well, first off. I've never received it, let's be clear.

1:12:46 Adam No.

1:12:46 Drew Well, there are women that really like that.

1:12:48 Jason Bateman Yeah, I haven't met one of those. But as far as I'm concerned.

1:12:53 Adam Let's just say Jason and Grazer have a special kind of relationship.

1:12:57 Jason Bateman How do you think, how do you think I'd get him to get that hair up?

1:12:59 Adam It transcends.

1:13:00 Drew Yeah, you got that job.

1:13:02 Adam It transcends, you know, actor.

1:13:03 Jason Bateman We do what we have to.

1:13:05 Adam Creator.

1:13:05 Jason Bateman Yeah, there's an orifice better suited for that action. I don't get it myself, and Dr. correct me if I'm wrong, but there is no pleasure receptacle up that wall.

1:13:19 Drew Well, there aren't, however, some women can be induced to have orgasm from that. Particularly when they're multi-orgasmic, tend to have those orgasms with them. What's that?

1:13:28 Caller I said I have trouble orgasm, having orgasm.

1:13:31 Drew This is not gonna be something you're gonna enjoy.

1:13:33 Adam Tell your boyfriend you don't wanna do this, and let me say this.

1:13:37 Jason Bateman Try a finger first.

1:13:39 Adam Yeah, there's that whole thing of like, well, how do you know unless you've tried it? But it's like, you hear about people eating monkey brains and stuff, and it's like, not for me. And they're like, but how do you know?

1:13:50 Drew That logic is just so flawed. How do you know if you, do you know what it's like to stick your hand in a fire? How do you know if you haven't tried it?

1:13:56 Adam Yeah.

1:13:57 Drew Yeah.

1:13:58 Adam Yeah. No, I think people have a pretty good idea of what a lot of things are like, taste like, and feel like that they haven't done and don't want to do.

1:14:07 Drew And some of that retarded logic.

1:14:10 Adam How do you know you wouldn't like it?

1:14:11 Drew Right. And some of that retarded logic is symptomatic of how grandiose we are these days and how differently our brains and bodies function. And the reality is we've all functioned very, very differently. We experience arousal and our sexuality very differently. And it's like, oh yeah, some people, it's okay, other not. And it's not like, how could it not be? Who goes for you?

1:14:30 Adam Let me say this because I have this weird theory that everyone sort of knows what everything feels like in advance, such as, I remember being like 13 and thinking, what does a boob feel like? And actually I remember being 19 and thinking that too and then 26. But the point is, is for the sake of humiliation, I'm gonna say 13. And thinking, what does a boob feel like? And then you finally feel one and you go, yep. That's what I thought. That's exactly. And it's the same about like, I've never surfed a 20 foot wave. I can feel what it would feel like I've never skydived. I can feel what skydiving feels like.

1:15:07 Drew Oh, no, you can't.

1:15:08 Adam You haven't experienced a rush.

1:15:09 Drew You could never.

1:15:10 Adam All right, Swayze, sit down. Here's what I'm saying.

1:15:12 Jason Bateman Call her, yeah, don't let this guy be a blowhard, either. And say, well, you know, it feels so much better for the guy, just let me do it.

1:15:18 Drew Or now that last girl loved it.

1:15:20 Jason Bateman Yeah, it's a whole domination thing and let him go to a therapist and work that stuff out. And not on you.

1:15:28 Adam Agreed. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that none of us have had an erect penis in our rear end, okay? But don't you think, and it's not gay if we picture it. So let's just picture it for a second. It's bi, but it's not gay. Don't you think you would know exactly what it felt like?

1:15:44 Jason Bateman Yeah, not into it.

1:15:45 Adam Not interested. Not into it either.

1:15:48 Caller Hold on.

1:15:49 Adam Not into it, Jason?

1:15:50 Jason Bateman Not into it, I swear.

1:15:51 Adam Once in a while, guys.

1:15:52 Caller Yeah, me neither, me neither.

1:15:55 Jason Bateman You don't get to ask me again during the break.

1:15:58 Adam Not in the parking lot, not in the job. All right, yeah, me neither.

1:16:03 Drew Not with a fox.

1:16:03 Adam Me neither.

1:16:05 Drew Out of the box.

1:16:05 Adam All right, cancel the camping trip. Michelle?

1:16:09 Caller Hello.

1:16:10 Adam You're 39, what's up?

1:16:13 Caller Hello, how are you? Okay, I just have to say that I think that both of you are amazing and Adam, I agree with everything that you stand for. Thank you very much.

1:16:25 Adam Thank you. Thank you. What's up, baby doll?

1:16:33 Caller Basically, I called because I'm a retired porn star. Two years.

1:16:39 Caller Two years, all right.

1:16:40 Caller Yeah, it's been two years and I have a problem with dating people my own age. And I also, I guess my second part to my question is that I have a problem with the whole idea of therapists because I think they all have their own problems also and that's why they get into therapy.

1:17:02 Adam It's just like mechanics have cars that break down once in a while, doesn't mean they can't fix your car.

1:17:08 Caller Fix my car, right. No, I'm sure that they would have a lot of input and I'm sure my car needs to be fixed.

1:17:15 Adam Right.

1:17:15 Caller Right.

1:17:16 Adam Hold on, are we speaking metaphorically or are we actually talking about your car?

1:17:20 Caller Okay, what car do you got Michelle?

1:17:22 Caller 87 El Camino, it drives pretty well.

1:17:26 Adam All right, now you say you're a porn star for many years.

1:17:32 Caller Four.

1:17:33 Adam Four years.

1:17:34 Caller Four years, got into porn when I was 33 and I just did women.

1:17:40 Adam That's, I mean you don't hear about that that often. First off, by 30, usually this is the kind of move you make if you don't make it by 25, you're not making it. Maybe 21. So what drove you toward porn?

1:17:53 Caller I always really liked the pictorials. Like I always liked Playboy and the magazines and whatnot, but I actually got into doing Girl Girl Porn and I've done lots of different movies with like Jill Kelly, Janine, Chloe, I've been to Spain. I've done the whole awards thing. I've been nominated every year for-

1:18:20 Adam Did you, were you in the Where the Girls Aren't series?

1:18:25 Caller Let's see, series-wise, I've done all the violations.

1:18:29 Adam All the violations series?

1:18:31 Caller Where the girls aren't, I've done one. Where the boys aren't, I've done one. What does that mean?

1:18:37 Drew Where the girls aren't. Hang on a second.

1:18:39 Adam Where the boys aren't.

1:18:40 Drew What is that?

1:18:42 Adam Oh, I see, I see. Go on, do the penis math, there's nobody there. All right, she's on the Violation series.

1:18:48 Jason Bateman What's her ailment tonight? What's she calling about?

1:18:51 Drew That's a good question.

1:18:53 Adam Which violation, hold on, which series ran in the violation? You're in like one through 26?

1:18:58 Caller Oh, God, let's see, my first one was Katie Gold.

1:19:02 Caller What does this violation say?

1:19:07 Adam All right, you come with impeccable credentials.

1:19:10 Caller I actually did Janine's, her final scene was Janine, myself, and Kerry Winslow.

1:19:19 Adam Fantastic.

1:19:20 Caller And it was the three of us, and it was so weird. Two weeks later, I was watching NBN.

1:19:25 Adam All right, yeah, you don't need therapy, that's clear. So what else can we do for you?

1:19:32 Caller I don't need therapy.

1:19:35 Adam I've deemed you not sane, but so insane, therapy couldn't help. There's a difference. It's like when someone says, should we get him a doctor? No. Oh, he's fine? No, he's going to die in about 10 seconds.

1:19:46 Drew It's too late.

1:19:47 Adam Yeah, let him tend to the people that really need his help.

1:19:50 Drew What is her question?

1:19:51 Adam I have no idea.

1:19:51 Drew Do you want to get a question?

1:19:52 Jason Bateman She's got a problem getting people her own age. What is she like, older or younger?

1:19:55 Adam She's 39, pulling up in that El Camino, blowing a menthol cigarette in the guy's face, chewing gum, big clamp on earrings. I work with Janine. I was in the Violation Series. All right, Herb just thought we might get along. I'm a widower. Okay, I only go down on women. I have a four-year-old with the Down Syndrome. I'm not going down on him. I'm out of the business. That's great. All right, Jason Bateman is here tonight. We're going to take a quick break. We'll get back with Michelle. I like a salty porn star, yeah?

1:20:41 Drew Salty, sassy.

1:20:42 Adam Sassy, brassy.

1:20:44 Jason Bateman With a resume.

1:20:45 Adam We'll get back with Michelle right after this.

1:20:50 Jason Bateman Loveline.

1:20:58 Adam Hey, everybody. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Jason Bateman here tonight from Arrested Development, Fox, 830. Sunday night. Drew, Drew, you're quite a drama queen, I gotta say. I was complaining to Drew while we were in the bathroom that we have to do a calendar cycle this Saturday. I was like, well, whole weekend's ruined because we gotta go down a bum aft to sign calendars this weekend. And Drew's like, weekend ruined, season ruined.

1:21:33 Caller I said, season ruined?

1:21:34 Adam Yes! I start dreading this, you know, the fall, and then the spring comes around and he's barely recovered. The winter's tough. Season ruined because you gotta go to a Best Buy in La Harbra and sign a calendar. Please, I'm dramatic enough. We don't need you with a ruined season.

1:21:54 Jason Bateman You should get yourself a stamp so that you don't have to sign it.

1:21:59 Drew You would think we would, yeah. Why don't we have a stamp?

1:22:03 Adam I don't think it's the same, Drew.

1:22:05 I don't think it's, people don't like it. Jed had a stamp one year.

1:22:08 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:22:08 Drew Really?

1:22:09 Adam Remember how popular I was the one year when we were at the end of the line, and I kept announcing that this thing was supposed to go on from 9 to 11, to like 4 in the afternoon, and all the other jocks were signing, were talking to everybody in the line, and the line wasn't moving, and I made the announcement that I was leaving at 4.

1:22:30 Drew No matter what. And there was about 1200 people still in line.

1:22:33 Adam Right. And when 4 o'clock rolled around, I stood up to leave. It was almost, it was a little, this short of a stoning, I basically got. But come on, you can't talk to everyone, you got to shuffle them through, right?

1:22:46 Drew Yes. And every year since, we've been screaming down the line to hurry up. Right. Why aren't we at the front?

1:22:52 Adam And don't get us wrong, we love the fans, we just don't want to see them.

1:22:57 Drew No, we like them, we just don't want the rest of the air staff holding them up.

1:22:59 Adam That's right, that's for Drew. Drew Primadonna. Season ruined by calendar signing everybody. All right, Michelle, 39.

1:23:09 Drew Former porn star.

1:23:10 Adam Former porn star. Did the girl on girl stuff.

1:23:12 Drew Kind of weird that she got involved in the pornography in her mid-30s.

1:23:15 Adam I heard she worked in Jeanine Linder Mueller's second to last movie.

1:23:23 Caller Yeah, she actually came back into the business after she announced her retirement.

1:23:28 Adam Oh, okay.

1:23:30 Jason Bateman Like Sugar Ray.

1:23:31 Adam Yeah.

1:23:31 Drew But he was making a joke, trying to get her to respond.

1:23:33 Adam I was going to say last movie, but she said last movie, but it turns out she came out of retirement. Yeah. Michelle?

1:23:40 Caller Yeah, I want to kiss your bottom one more time.

1:23:43 Drew Hurry.

1:23:44 Caller I wish that you and Drew were a couple as president of our United States of America.

1:23:50 Adam Thank you. You know, we could be president.

1:23:53 Caller We could rule our country and we would be fine.

1:23:56 Adam We could be president and vice president and we wouldn't actually have to be a gay couple.

1:23:59 Drew We wouldn't?

1:24:00 Caller No, no. You both have to be on the same plateau. No one's below you. President as a couple.

1:24:08 Drew All right.

1:24:08 Adam We'll do it on ourselves.

1:24:09 Drew Bottom of top stuff.

1:24:10 Adam All right, Michelle. So you want to date now, right?

1:24:14 Caller Well, I've been trying to date, but I seem to be dating really young, immature men.

1:24:21 Drew How old?

1:24:23 Caller 25, 26.

1:24:26 Drew And what do you mean by immature?

1:24:28 Caller Immature, really good work ethic, but as far as like morality, as far as cheating and lying, immature in that way. And, you know, at any age, I haven't seemed to find a man that doesn't lie and cheat.

1:24:50 Adam Yeah, because you go after guys who wear the boots with the chain on them.

1:24:54 Caller No, no, no, no. I go for guys that are tough and unavailable.

1:24:57 Adam Leather vests with no shirt on underneath. Yeah, I'm sure.

1:25:01 Drew So you're attracted to bad guys.

1:25:03 Adam Find a boring guy who's not going to cheat.

1:25:06 Caller And seriously, the last one that I found was this really spiritual reading hippie guy, but he cheated in life, too. He just like wore different clothes, and I don't understand.

1:25:19 Drew The cheating guy comes in many different forms and colors.

1:25:21 Caller And I have a problem with therapy because I just feel like I do a lot of reading and I feel that as far as the autobiographies I've read, therapists are just as screwed up as the patients they are treating. But Dr. Drew, I think you are God. I love you.

1:25:41 Adam Easy now. I'm sorry.

1:25:43 Drew Read my book, Cracked.

1:25:44 Caller I will never, ever have this opportunity to speak to the two of you again, and I'm honored you took my call.

1:25:50 Drew Are you going to die soon or something? Michelle, read my book, Cracked, and you'll get more of a sense of who caretakers are and what things feel like from a caretaker's perspective.

1:25:59 Adam And if you want to see Drew in the flesh, you can gas up an airplane and head out to... Are we going to Oregon or is it Portland? Orange. Orange. Orange this year to sign calendars for...

1:26:11 Caller You can come sign some books in Santa Barbara.

1:26:15 Caller No.

1:26:15 Adam So listen, Michelle.

1:26:17 Caller Yes.

1:26:18 Adam What do you do for a living? How do you make money?

1:26:20 Caller Now I am a bartender, and I just wrote my first book, and I'm trying to get it published.

1:26:27 Adam Fantastic. It will probably outsell Drew's book, and that's what I'm saying.

1:26:31 Caller No, it's actually a compilation of 200 letters. Okay.

1:26:36 Adam Now I'm saying consonants or... Most books are a compilation of letters, if you really think about it. That's all a book is. You take letters, you compile them. Think about it, Drew. Maybe there's something I'm missing. If I'm missing, it's only, but I just see books, I see letters. Michelle, it's not like I see a bunch of numbers. They're symbols. I see letters. All right, so Michelle, listen. Here's what you need to do. You need to find a guy who doesn't flip your cookie at first glance.

1:27:05 Drew Who you don't meet at the bar.

1:27:06 Adam Right.

1:27:07 Drew Who's a boring guy. Who's a boring guy.

1:27:10 Adam Regular guy.

1:27:11 Drew Maybe not quite so attractive, too. Somebody just kind of seems boring.

1:27:15 Adam And save the porn star talk until your third date.

1:27:20 Caller Right.

1:27:22 Adam All right, take it easy. You ever been married?

1:27:26 Caller Well, no, I have never been married and I don't have any kids. And I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling like I've lost that, good for me, lost that ship. Yeah.

1:27:38 Adam OK, look, just find a guy who's not as exciting. The guys you're attracted to are the guys that are dangerous. And by the way, you not telling them something bizarre or scary about your past is not hiding the truth. Look at it this way. You're going on a date, you got to sit, right? What do you do? You put a little makeup on it, right? Is that hiding who you are? Yeah, you just want to make a good impression, right?

1:28:00 Drew Right.

1:28:01 Adam You don't need to be staring at that third eye over dinner, right?

1:28:04 Drew That's right.

1:28:05 Adam Right. Hoo, Lord. Mm-hmm. She wrote a book.

1:28:10 Drew Got energy.

1:28:12 Adam And by the way, remember there was a time, I think it was a time when people used to dress up to go on airplanes where only certain people could write books, only certain people could record albums, only certain people could release like CDs or release records. Remember that? Like remember, remember when you were growing up, it's like, this guy wrote a book.

1:28:31 Drew Oh my God. Oh my God.

1:28:32 Adam Yeah. Now you talk to people like, I've written 22 books. You guys, you guys are giving you your coffee at Starbucks. You've written books into the thirties now. And by the way, better to have written four books than to have written 44 bucks.

1:28:46 Drew Yes.

1:28:46 Adam That just means nothing's going right.

1:28:48 Drew Right.

1:28:48 Adam Or you're just a crazy man who's not really doing anything. But now everyone can record and everyone can write a book. Used to just be, oh my God, if you knew someone who had a record when you're a kid, like when your dad's friends had a, you know, record, had something with his face on or something, crazy, right? Celebrity.

1:29:06 Drew It's symptomatic of the quality of the crap that's being turned out.

1:29:09 Adam Is that what it is?

1:29:10 Drew Anybody could do it.

1:29:12 Adam Right. Yeah. It's that way with TV. It's that way with books and movies. Like everyone's just like, yeah, I can do that. Yeah.

1:29:19 Drew You know what? They can.

1:29:20 Adam Well, there's, there's 500 channels now, so it's a little easier to break on TV.

1:29:25 Jason Bateman It's the joy of the internet, right?

1:29:27 Drew The books have, yeah, the books are just, many of them are just empty.

1:29:30 Adam Come on, Drew. There's nothing. You're jealous.

1:29:32 Jason Bateman I bet you Michelle's book is packed.

1:29:34 Adam Packed with letters, chock full of letters. We got letters. It's a virtual alphabet of letters. All right. You ready to rock here, Drew?

1:29:45 I got the CD queued up, Adam.

1:29:46 Adam Oh, yeah. We did a break. Oh, we do. Michelle does.

1:29:49 Drew Thank you, Michelle.

1:29:50 Adam Oh, yeah. Because as promised, it's time to play for another installment of Aces Mexican Ranchero Accordion Countdown. All right. Now here's how the game works, Jason. Ranchero music, some of the greatest music in the world. If you live out in Southern California, you probably hear it. Blaring from pickup trucks and job sites and things like that, dumpsters. Here's the thing, we, the accordion is very prominently displayed in ranchero music. Sort of the backbone of ranchero music is the accordion. We take a random ranchero song that engineer Michelle whips up and she fires it up at a random point in a random song and then we decide how long before you hear the accordion music. Drew, why don't you get started?

1:30:37 Drew Three seconds.

1:30:38 Adam Three seconds.

1:30:39 Jason Bateman No, no.

1:30:41 Drew I'm going instantaneous. The moment the music fires up.

1:30:44 Adam When it fires up, first thing you hear, you're hearing accordion, all right? I'm going to put a zero by ears. That's instant, Drew. Jason, what do you got?

1:30:52 Jason Bateman Seven seconds.

1:30:53 Adam Seven seconds. Wow, I went eight last night. It was seven.

1:30:57 Drew Yeah.

1:30:57 Adam Interesting. This is tough. I'm caught between zero and seven.

1:31:01 Drew Seven is eternity.

1:31:02 Adam Could go over. Yeah, it's a lifetime. I'm going to go in the middle. I'm going to go five seconds. Five seconds. All right. Now, don't play it yet, Michelle.

1:31:12 Drew We'll wait.

1:31:13 Adam Are you ready?

1:31:15 Adam Three, two, one, go. Nothin?

1:32:23 Drew I'm not ready, I'm not ready to say that.

1:32:26 Adam Drew, using your logic, we heard a Ranchero song that had no accordion.

1:32:31 Drew Which I know is impossible, that's what my head almost exploded.

1:32:33 Adam That's what I'm saying, so maybe it was there, and maybe, there's a difference between rhythm accordion and lead accordion, that may have been rhythm accordion.

1:32:40 Jason Bateman There was rhythm there.

1:32:41 Yeah, I think it was rhythm.

1:32:42 Adam All right, now we go. Three, two, one, go. Three seconds, three and a half seconds, all right, three and a half. Three and a half, well, the Ace man wins at three and a half. That's two nights.

1:33:01 Drew Well done.

1:33:02 Adam Well, after all, is that called Drew or Jason's Mexican Ranchero Accordion Countdown? It's called Ace's Mexican Ranchero Accordion Countdown. What do you get for that? Something called satisfaction.

1:33:15 Drew Cultural enrichment.

1:33:17 Adam Yeah. That's what we get.

1:33:18 Caller I'd like to put songs with this guy.

1:33:20 Drew You always said since you got all those amazes, it's going to be a blowout to this guy.

1:33:23 Jason Bateman You don't get like a gold statue?

1:33:26 Adam No, I'm not used to that. But seriously, if you could talk to Grazer and Howard about maybe spinning this off in a TV show, like a game show.

1:33:35 Jason Bateman Ranchero development? There's a theme song.

1:33:45 Adam Oh yeah. Let's just really sit back and drink that work. Let's take a little bit of a break. Jason Bateman here tonight from Arrested Development. We'll be right back after this. Love line. You know, Drew, smelling good is more than a smell. It's an attitude.

1:34:10 Drew That's true, Adam.

1:34:11 Adam It is?

1:34:12 Drew I know how to get that attitude, too.

1:34:14 Adam How?

1:34:15 Drew Axe, deodorant, body spray.

1:34:23 Adam Love line. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, Jason Bateman in tonight, Arrested Development, 830 Sunday nights on Fox. Five. Count them. Five big Emmys at the last Emmys. Mm-hmm.

1:34:36 Drew Swings it up.

1:34:37 Adam Yeah. Yeah, it was great. I've seen Jason up there beaming.

1:34:43 Caller I was beaming.

1:34:44 Adam Preem, it was like he was pregnant.

1:34:47 Jason Bateman Did I have a glow?

1:34:48 Adam You're glowing. So beautiful. Chelsea?

1:34:54 Caller Yeah?

1:34:54 Adam You're 27?

1:34:56 Caller Yes.

1:34:56 Adam What's up?

1:34:59 Caller Recently, I met somebody. I have a six-year-old daughter and at her school, she's good friends with another girl, and the mother has recently started coming on to me, making suggestions, maybe, like we should get together, and I was in a relationship with another woman about 10 years ago for about a year, and then we kind of, you know, drifted apart and we ended it, and then I met and married my husband, and I'm still married right now, and, you know, I told my husband about it, and he doesn't feel that there's any problem with me going, you know, to this woman and, you know, having fun or doing whatever it is I need to do and then coming home.

1:35:43 Adam Mm-hmm. All right, so, hold on a second. Let's try to examine his motivation. I'm, here, I've got three things. One is... Checked out. Checked out, just doesn't, doesn't care. Probably not, but checked out, doesn't care. Two, sort of turned on, on it, by thinking he's gonna weave himself into the mix at some point.

1:36:03 Jason Bateman He's got a two-year plan.

1:36:04 Adam Yeah. Three, smart.

1:36:06 Drew Wants to use it to his own benefit. Three, has a little something cooking himself and his son, no, no, no, no, go ahead.

1:36:14 Jason Bateman Well, what about four? What about if he's just very confident in the relationship and the like, well, you know, listen.

1:36:21 Caller He seems like, you know, what...

1:36:22 Adam No.

1:36:23 Drew That kind of doesn't exist.

1:36:24 Adam No, that's fairy tale four, son.

1:36:28 Jason Bateman But another woman's no competition to him.

1:36:30 Drew I know, but it will ruin the relationship unless he's up to something. And if he cares about it all, he wouldn't want to put the relationship in trouble.

1:36:38 Adam It's sharing an intimacy, which is not great. Yes.

1:36:41 Caller I told him that there's absolutely no way, because when I was involved before with the other woman, I told him, I said, there's nothing in it for me to have a guy in there with it. And if this were to happen, it would just be her and I. And he says, I'm fine with that, because he knew before we got married that I had had this other relationship. And he said, I don't see that there's anything wrong.

1:37:07 Adam All right. Well, let's try to figure this out.

1:37:11 Drew That's why you're believing the BS. Don't believe it.

1:37:13 Adam What does he do for a living?

1:37:15 Caller He owns his own computer firm.

1:37:18 Drew He's had some.

1:37:19 Adam No, that's interesting. That's a weird twist. And how often do you guys have sex?

1:37:27 Caller I guess like a week, maybe like twice.

1:37:29 Adam All right.

1:37:31 Caller Maybe like three or four and that's if everything is...

1:37:34 Adam How does he seem with you? Motivated?

1:37:37 Caller Yeah. You know, we have a lot of fun. We take vacations as a family. We're just happy. I think what I'm ultimately...

1:37:45 Adam How did he do... Quiet. How did he do before you? Did he have girls before you?

1:37:51 Caller Yeah, he was engaged before me and she cheated on him with another man and he broke off the engagement.

1:37:59 How old is he?

1:38:01 Caller How old is he now? He's 32.

1:38:05 Adam Something's not adding up.

1:38:08 Drew And how long ago has he been married? How long have you guys been married?

1:38:13 Caller About seven and a half years. Almost eight.

1:38:15 Drew Have there been any problems in the relationship?

1:38:18 Caller You know, we fight about the same stupidity.

1:38:24 Adam He doesn't have a fetish, any kind of weird fetish?

1:38:27 Caller No.

1:38:28 Drew Any drugs or alcohol? Anybody?

1:38:30 Caller No.

1:38:31 Adam Just a kid. Okay. Well, Chelsea, you're presenting him as a very sane together guy. There's a part that's sort of missing. We'd rather not chance it. This kind of stuff really destabilizes relationships. Rarely. And you got a kid.

1:38:48 Drew Yeah, rarely, if ever, have I seen a long-term relationship survive with threesome. Particularly a committed relationship where you're trying to form a family. It just doesn't work. It doesn't work.

1:38:58 Adam And by the way, you got to look at what could possibly happen. You guys could have the time of your lives. You could start making plans for the following weekend.

1:39:05 Caller He could get freaked out.

1:39:07 Adam He's going to start trying to horn in on the action. Maybe he's with the guy. I don't know. I don't think any good can come of this. And here's the deal. I don't want to be a prude, but once you have a kid, you've now lost your right to screw around and do this. That's my feeling. Even if you're young, even if you're progressive, even if you're whatever, you have kids, you got to focus on the kids. If you did it, you would call us in six months and tell us what went wrong. Yes?

1:39:36 Caller Yes. All right.

1:39:37 Adam We have a question for Jason. Kara? You're 21?

1:39:43 Caller What's up? I loved you in The Sweetest Thing. Well, thank you.

1:39:50 Caller Aren't you The Sweetest Thing?

1:39:52 Adam Wow.

1:39:53 Jason Bateman See what I did there?

1:39:54 Adam No script, no teleprompter.

1:39:56 Jason Bateman That's all raps off my head.

1:39:57 Caller Yeah.

1:39:57 Adam It's not like Grazer or Howard fed him that one. That was his.

1:40:01 Caller I've seen it like 50 times.

1:40:03 Jason Bateman That's far too many.

1:40:05 Caller I know. My favorite part is where you do Eternal Flame.

1:40:17 Jason Bateman How's your love life, Kara? I appreciate what you're saying, but we're trying to help people in need tonight. Do you have any ailment I could help you with with a song? Maybe Eternal Flame could work something out for you? Close your eyes.

1:40:34 Adam That's a good song. You know what? I tell you, it's a good song.

1:40:37 Jason Bateman I actually put that song, my recording of that song on my wedding CD and didn't tell anybody it was me. I did it. I put on the CD cover, pseudonym Bobby Carmex. Everyone was like, who's this guy Bobby Carmex? It's this great cover of Eternal Sun or whatever it's called.

1:40:52 Adam Yeah, Eternal Flame. How did it sound? Did it work out?

1:40:56 Jason Bateman Yeah, it was pretty gross.

1:40:57 Adam Yeah.

1:40:58 Jason Bateman I let them all know later.

1:40:59 Adam It's a tough one to pull off.

1:41:01 Jason Bateman You're very sweet, Kara. Are you watching the new show?

1:41:04 Adam Oh, that's a good question. Kara?

1:41:07 Caller I'm sorry. Am I watching the new show?

1:41:09 Jason Bateman Are you watching Arrested Development?

1:41:11 Caller In all honesty, I watched two episodes.

1:41:14 Jason Bateman And they didn't work for you?

1:41:16 Caller Well...

1:41:19 Jason Bateman Hold on. I gotta go. This is not sounding good.

1:41:21 Adam What happened, baby?

1:41:23 Caller I loved Jason and it, but I had a problem with some of the other people.

1:41:29 Jason Bateman I'll get rid of who? I'll get rid of them. That Will Arnett, he's out. He flaked on us tonight. He's gone.

1:41:36 Adam He's gone. He's gone.

1:41:39 Jason Bateman Well, don't say their names, because then that could be embarrassing for them. But you know what, everybody's like really different on the show. All the characters are different. We try to put a little something out there for everybody. So you just focus on the character I play and hide your eyes when it changes. But we need your ratings.

1:41:56 Adam Yeah.

1:41:57 Caller Well, anything put out by Grazian Howard, I would definitely support.

1:42:02 Adam So please give it a second chance, won't you?

1:42:04 Jason Bateman Well, third in her case.

1:42:05 Adam Give it a third chance, won't you?

1:42:07 Jason Bateman We'd appreciate it.

1:42:07 Adam Yeah. That'd be good.

1:42:10 Jason Bateman Thank you for calling in, Carol. You're very sweet.

1:42:13 Adam And let me say this, and really take this in the spirit in which it's intended. You were great in the sweetest thing. But if you're the kind of person that saw Fit to See it 50 times, possibly.

1:42:24 Jason Bateman You need to call back on more medical night.

1:42:27 Adam Well, we call it connoisseur of comedy. 25 times you have a doctorate in comedy, but 50, that's too many. We'll take a quick break. Jason Bateman here tonight. We'll be right back after this.

1:42:42 Caller Here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:42:46 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:42:48 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. Call the Dateline.

1:42:54 Jason Bateman LOVE 191.

1:43:16 Adam Well, many people to thank tonight, starting with the great Jason Bateman, Arrested Development, 8.30 Sunday Nights Fox. Always a delight. Thank you for coming in.

1:43:25 Jason Bateman Thank you for having me again.

1:43:26 Adam You tell Will Arnett to kiss our hairy collective ass. And not that Drew's ass is hairy, but I got enough for the both of us. They're all rapists. There he is. That's what I hope is happening to him right now. So, I want to thank many people that made the show possible. I want to thank phone screener Brian, and phone screener Zeke or Zach or what? Ziggy, all right.

1:43:48 Drew Don't forget the Indian.

1:43:49 Adam I got to meet the man. Yeah, I went to Chief Running Bear. Thunder Bear, yeah. Doing a great job tonight for the H-Man.

1:43:56 Drew Michelle for keeping Thunder Bear happy.

1:43:57 Adam Yeah, engineeress Michelle for laughing and getting coffee for Thunder Bear and being fantastic. Engineer Anderson for doing a fantabulous job on the potentiometers. And of course, Junior, producer Lauren for bringing in some cookies, doing a great job, and of course, producer Ann. So until next time. Oh, who'd I miss? Who'd I miss? Oh, engineer.

1:44:24 Jason Bateman And Shannon Ryan for sticking through all the way to midnight.

1:44:29 Adam Yeah, God bless you, Shannon. And engineer Chris. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:44:44 Caller This has been Love Line. The opinions expressed on the show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Love Line is Aningold. Love Line is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Thursday, November 11, 2004