Episode 1000655868541

0:57 Voiceover Online is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline.

1:20 Adam Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Dixon Medicine Specialist, the great and sober Andy Dick in studio tonight, everybody. A new lease on life Andy has.

1:35 Drew Every three and a half months.

1:37 Adam You get a new lease on life.

1:38 Drew I press the restart button.

1:40 Adam He's renting to own everybody.

1:46 Andy Dick He's eating rabbit pellets.

1:47 Adam He's eating raw food.

1:49 Drew I eat raw food now.

1:50 Adam You're on raw food?

1:50 Drew All raw food.

1:51 Adam Well, I know. Look, I never want to say anything, but your morbid obesity has gotten out of hand.

1:56 Drew It's not about that.

1:57 Adam Collecting your chins only nine feet deep. It's good for your skin.

2:01 Drew No, I'm trying to say my brain.

2:03 Adam Oh, your brain.

2:03 Drew Yeah, it's good for my brain.

2:06 Adam Well, perhaps the copious amounts of drugs you've done in the past has done some damage. Yes?

2:11 Drew Yes.

2:11 Adam You think so?

2:12 Drew I'm trying to clear that. I do think so.

2:14 Adam Let me say this, though, Drew.

2:15 Drew Bodily and brainily.

2:16 Adam But let me say this, and I believe this. And Andy, you chime in. I grew up sort of thinking, you know, well, you are what you eat, and if you do drugs, you're going to be a vegetable or you're not going to be able to form a sentence. And I realized nothing trumps a good hand dealt to you. Like, if you have nice skin, it's really hard to eff it up. All the chocolate, all the grease, all the poor hygiene habits, if you have really nice skin, almost impossible to eff it up. If you have a razor sharp brain, like Mr. Dick does over here, and you're quick with the synapses, it's really difficult, even with the tons of the bushels of pot he smoked, the kilos of cocaine, all the drugs, still fairly sharp, much sharper than your average guy, even in the throes of the drug addiction.

3:11 Drew Yeah, even when I'm on them.

3:12 Andy Dick But much of the drugs of addiction, alcohol is really the only one that causes cognition changes. The rest of them cause mood problems and maybe even some memory problems, but the one that actually creates a change in your thinking, your intellect, that's alcohol. Sorry.

3:23 Adam That's my medicine. That's my medicine. That's my medicine. But for him, How many times do I say that?

3:27 Andy Dick It's your medicine.

3:28 Drew So alcohol is the one that really alters your brain chemistry?

3:31 Andy Dick It's the one that could, it's a direct poison to all brain tissue, so it destroys globally while amphetamines destroy the mood centers.

3:37 Adam What about all the historically great geniuses that were horrible alcoholics?

3:42 Drew A lot of them died.

3:44 Adam Yeah?

3:45 Andy Dick Yeah. How many way lived till what? Sixty?

3:47 Adam Nineteen. Well, he killed himself, didn't he?

3:50 Andy Dick It was all part of alcoholism.

3:51 Adam All right. But here's my point, as I was saying to Dr. Drew last night, too. I mean, I did the Best Damn Sports Show last week with Thomas Hollywood Henderson, who was a name from the past. He was with the Dallas Cowboys when they won a couple of Super Bowls. He was an all-pro defensive, wide, he was a defensive outside linebacker. He used to go to the Pro Bowl and everything. He used to run circles around everyone. He was high on coke the entire time, never worked out once.

4:19 Drew Really? Yeah.

4:20 Adam And Lawrence Taylor now, the more you look into Lawrence Taylor, arguably the greatest defensive player to ever go out on a football field, just did mounds of coke and never really worked out. It was hungover night before, out banging hookers and doing pounds of coke.

4:36 Drew And there are artists like that, and I mean like actors and musicians that do so many drugs and drink so much. I have experimented with drugs and alcohol.

4:46 Adam Have you?

4:46 Drew Well, I mean, I'm talking about performing. I performed in front of the camera or live on stage on almost every combination you can imagine as an experiment on myself and I'm the guinea pig.

4:57 Adam Yeah, yourself and everyone who has to work with you.

5:00 Drew Sometimes I'm the only one laughing, but it's a real good show, one man show for me to watch.

5:06 Adam So I've always been interested in that because like, I'm scared. Like, I don't mind having a few beers and doing a best man's speech, but I would be scared to get high and go out and do a talk show.

5:16 Drew One of my first times doing that, I did it on the Second City stage and it was with Louis Arquette, the father of all those damn Arquettes. Right. From Rosanna to Patricia to David. No, he was in Second City. Second City from Chicago and we did it out here. He was one of the teachers and just one of the pillars from the 50s, man. He was from the 50s, Second City. He got me before I did a live on stage show at the Second City. He said, come here, come into my van. He was living in a van at the time. No, he is an awesome man who I look up to. He's not with us anymore. No, this guy got me so high on such good pot. Then I went on stage to do these scripted old Second City scenes. I couldn't remember my lines and I was sweating bullets. We just had to black out in the middle of a scene. I was shaking and sweating. I have since learned to ride that way.

6:15 Andy Dick That's when you decided this stuff is for me.

6:18 Drew I took it on as a challenge and I have since learned to ride that. It's like going on a wave at first and then crashing out or wiping out.

6:25 You know what?

6:26 Drew I'm going to get back on that damn horse.

6:28 Adam That guy wouldn't have the guts to get back on that pipe, Drew.

6:31 I got back on that pipe and got back on stage.

6:34 Drew A lesser man would have walked away.

6:36 Adam Not Andy Dick.

6:37 Drew And then I started really experimenting. One time I did mushrooms.

6:40 Adam This is a good question. What is, I know they're all a little bit different. What is the best drug to perform with?

6:48 Drew I used to say, what did I use to say? I used to say a really good combo. I used to have Dr. Dick's ultimate stage performing combo and it has something to do with a little, like one or two beers, just a shot of either tequila or vodka. It depended on where I was at in my using and drinking. Sure. I might have needed a little more and then just to be a little bit high. If I was feeling a little down, just a quick little pick me up with a little bump up.

7:20 Just a little bit of a pick me up.

7:23 Adam I could see that working.

7:25 Drew Then I would be pretty even keeled, but on a high vibration. I'd be vibrating on stage.

7:31 Adam And that would be for a stand up appearance or talk show panel or whatever.

7:36 Drew Yes, any of the above.

7:38 Andy Dick When you're out with your band?

7:39 Drew Or with the band. Sometimes.

7:41 Andy Dick Start beating them up right then?

7:42 Drew But I'm telling you, what I'm talking about is something that I would have to do because I was the guy that was drinking every night or smoking pot every day like that so that I had to whip up some kind of alchemy or some chemicals to get myself to just a little bit more of a performance level. Now, I can do that without anything. I can drink a little green tea and be a little more vibrating like that.

8:07 Adam So how long has it been since you've been off of drugs and alcohol?

8:11 Drew Well this time around, honestly, for three months.

8:14 Adam Three months.

8:15 Drew Yeah, three months. It's not a long time.

8:16 Adam No.

8:18 Drew It was just the summer I was just drinking a little bit.

8:20 Adam Do you feel like the bouts aren't as severe as they were five years ago?

8:25 Drew Oh yeah. I didn't know where my head was. It was way up my butt. My head was up my ass five years ago.

8:31 Adam And now it's just the crown of it's up your ass?

8:32 Drew I got the chin out. I can breathe a little.

8:37 Adam Scrape the cleft. What did you draw? So here's the thing. So now you're on a natural raw food kick, right?

8:46 Drew Yeah, and I really feel like I need to be.

8:47 Andy Dick You got to get the toxins out.

8:48 Drew Yeah, I feel good. The toxins are just cramping up.

8:53 Adam What's a normal day for you eating wise?

8:55 Drew I wake up. I do this thing. That's part of what I did. I did a cleanse fast, the master cleanser, which is the cayenne, cayenne, maple syrup, lemon, lemon juice, and I did that for. That's all you drink. It's a great water with cayenne pepper, lemon juice and maple syrup. You did that for 16 days.

9:14 Adam What's wow. What's the maple syrup do for you?

9:18 Drew It adds the minerals and the things you need and the sugars that you need. And I was fine for 16 days, but I have to drink it every hour.

9:25 Adam Ended up putting on 18 pounds. Every hour you drink the cayenne pepper, the maple syrup, and the lemon. Every hour you have a glass full.

9:34 Drew Yes. Every hour.

9:36 Adam And for 16 days.

9:38 Drew You can go for 40.

9:39 Adam I could see making it a week, but 16 days is simply.

9:42 Andy Dick It's a return to the primitive state. Primitive man, of course, did this.

9:45 Adam Oh, yeah.

9:45 Drew No, they really did. They couldn't find food and they would starve. And Jesus Christ did it for 40 days and 40 nights.

9:50 Adam That's right.

9:51 Drew With nothing. He didn't even have the cayenne or the maple syrup.

9:54 Adam That's right. But he had to gather two of every animal. That much I know.

9:58 Drew That was you are so Jewish.

10:00 Adam 40 days.

10:01 Drew That was Noah. That was Noah in the earth.

10:05 Adam OK, here's the thing. So you did that. Now, did you lose weight? Did you flush out?

10:08 Drew But everything I flushed out was all toxic. The body is so smart. The body is so smart. It will not eat anything healthy. It will not destroy any healthy tissue whatsoever. It will go for the sickly, toxic, cancerous cells. And that's just what it does. Crap map.

10:25 Adam All right. And now you're on the raw food thing.

10:28 Drew Yeah.

10:29 Adam And what's that like? You get up in the morning. What do you do? Eat a pine cone?

10:32 Drew Oh yeah, that was the thing. I take one of those glasses. I just have one to get me going. One of the cayenne things. And it gets me flushed out. And then I'll eat fruit up until noon. So I'll eat pineapple or mango or papaya.

10:46 Adam Nice. That's a nice one.

10:47 Andy Dick What are you getting your protein?

10:49 Drew Well, then, do you know that everything has protein? Including fruit.

10:52 Andy Dick Where are you getting your protein?

10:53 Drew Fruit has protein.

10:54 Andy Dick Not nearly enough to stay in.

10:56 Adam Hold on, hold on. Let me talk to Dr. Drew. Remember the guy Ryan we met out in the hall?

11:01 Andy Dick Yeah.

11:01 Adam I'm guessing that's where he's getting the protein. That is disgusting.

11:08 Drew That is disgusting.

11:09 Adam Well, come on, it's been 10 minutes and I haven't made any kind of gay jokes at all. It's been over 10 minutes and 12 seconds.

11:16 Drew I don't eat cons, I don't eat sperm.

11:18 Adam I don't remember what words you can say. I think we're in the safe harbor. I never have. I say whatever we want.

11:24 Drew I never have, was that me?

11:26 Adam All right, every time.

11:28 Drew I never have.

11:28 Adam I never did that.

11:29 Andy Dick You need a lot of protein.

11:30 Drew Never have, never have.

11:30 Adam Really?

11:31 Andy Dick To sustain a lot of protein.

11:33 Drew I eat, look, what is this?

11:35 Adam Everything's got protein, Drew.

11:36 Andy Dick Yeah, it's got some protein.

11:37 Adam All right.

11:38 Drew Here, look, how much protein does this have?

11:39 Adam So you eat fruit and then what do you do at noon?

11:42 Drew 14 grams of protein in this bar.

11:44 Adam What's lunch time?

11:45 Andy Dick What's lunch time? You need at least, Andy, you need 120 grams to get through a day.

11:50 Adam All right, what do you do?

11:51 Drew I'm here, I am, in the middle of the night and I got through it.

11:54 Adam All right, he made it.

11:54 Drew Not keeling over.

11:55 Adam He's fine. Drew, quiet down. What do you do?

11:58 Drew I know, look at him, he's always so.

12:00 Adam Don't listen to him.

12:01 Drew Like a father.

12:02 Adam He don't know anything. What do you do for lunch?

12:03 Drew Then I eat an avocado and some tomatoes and some nuts and some almonds.

12:08 Andy Dick Nuts, there you go, there's your protein.

12:09 Adam Nuts are good. But no.

12:10 Drew Nuts and seeds, sprouted, they have to be sprouted. Just so you know, a seed or a nut has an inhibitor on it, an enzyme inhibitor, which makes it, that's so that they won't start growing, right? But if you put them in water and you just start to sprout them just for like one day, then your body can actually absorb all the nutrients.

12:32 Adam I don't like nuts unless they're like either smoked or covered with like that honey Dijon stuff.

12:38 Drew Mine are.

12:39 Adam Yours are smoked?

12:39 Drew My nuts are smoked.

12:41 Adam And you soak them.

12:42 Drew I soak my nuts.

12:43 Adam And so, but no tuna fish?

12:46 Drew No, no meat.

12:47 Adam No chicken, no nothing, no cheese?

12:49 Drew I just soak my nuts.

12:50 Adam What about dairy?

12:51 Drew No dairy, just lots of soaking of the nuts.

12:54 Adam Soggy nuts.

12:55 Drew Soggy nuts.

12:56 Adam So no dairy, so are you vegan now?

12:58 Drew Vegan and raw, yeah. Now, if I was raw, I could eat raw meat or raw fish, but I decide not to.

13:04 Adam Ah, so raw, now, can you cook? I know it sounds ridiculous.

13:08 Drew No, cooking is no, that's a big X through the cooking.

13:11 Adam Okay, how about if you're doing, okay, like, you know when you take a...

13:16 Drew I did this for a year before once.

13:17 Adam Really?

13:18 Drew Yeah, years ago, I did it for a whole year, and I stopped because there wasn't very much support out there for it, but now it's kind of, you know who I met, who I realized, somebody told me the other day that it was, they went to a raw food restaurant on Sex in the City. That's what made it popular. That's why there's all these restaurants now. I was wondering, I just found that out.

13:37 Adam Well, I was trying to think of, now, what if you do something like this? Here's an interesting one. I can't think of the stupid dish. Get it at the Mexican restaurant. They chop up the fish to put the lime juice and stuff on it.

13:48 Drew Oh, sort of ceviche.

13:48 Adam Ceviche.

13:49 Drew I love that stuff.

13:50 Adam Ceviche. Drew, you're going to come up with that? Mm-mm.

13:54 Drew He's angry that I'm not eating protein.

13:56 Adam He is. I'm angry at him.

13:57 Drew What do you think I'm going to keel over?

13:59 Adam He lands on his feet. Listen, ceviche is cooked by the acid in the lime. See what I'm saying? So it's sort of like eating cooked fish, but it never sees any flame. Maybe you could eat your fish raw, but still cooked and win on a technicality, like beating the IRS.

14:17 Drew But I don't eat meat. So I don't even eat meat. So screw it.

14:21 Adam All right. I had another gay joke, but let's move forward. Don't. What's going on with you? Do you have a girlfriend?

14:26 Drew No, I had one over the summer, but I don't.

14:28 Adam You're done with her?

14:29 Drew Not interested.

14:30 Adam Andy has some super smoking hot young chicks that he dates.

14:34 Drew She was too.

14:35 Adam No, I know.

14:36 Drew She really was. But it's just too much trouble for me. I can't do it.

14:39 Adam What do you mean? Well, you get chicks that are a little bit nutty, a little bit chaotic.

14:43 Drew Probably. But I think really the problem is me.

14:45 Adam Well, that's true.

14:46 Drew I'm too crazy.

14:47 Adam Touche. But you're right.

14:50 Andy Dick The problem is too crazy to be in the relationship.

14:52 Drew I need them, and then when they need me, I can't do it. I just can't be there. But I need them to be there for me.

15:00 Adam Yeah. But it seems like at whatever age you are, which is probably an age where it's time to start getting over this stuff.

15:07 Drew Thirty-eight.

15:08 Adam Thirty-eight.

15:09 Drew I'm thirty-eight.

15:09 Adam It's probably about the time that this stuff starts, this kind of relationship, neurosis starts to coast to a stop.

15:15 Drew But you know what it is for me? I'm just starting to be comfortable being alone is what it is. So that's luckily. I've been praying for that actually.

15:25 Adam Really?

15:26 Drew Literally praying like, please, let me be okay being alone.

15:30 Adam Yeah.

15:31 Drew And it's just starting to be, I'm starting to be okay.

15:33 Adam It sounds like a cliché, but I could remember when I was early 20s. Your skin starts crawling when you're alone. Yeah. Thank God I had masturbation.

15:43 Drew Yeah. I couldn't do it up to this year.

15:45 Adam Really? God bless Andy Dick. Look at him. He's eating raw stuff. He's out of the relationship, but that's all right. And you know where? He's been to Andy. He's going to Andy.

15:58 Drew And back. But check me tomorrow. You never know. And I'll be eating up filet mignon at AGO.

16:02 Adam Speaking of tomorrow. Well, not tomorrow, but Friday, ABC, TGIF, 930, Less Than Perfect. We had Sarah Ruh in here. I was suggesting to her that the advertising campaign should be TGIF and F, right? Is that what it was? Or F and Fridays?

16:20 Andy Dick Yeah, something like that.

16:21 Adam TGIF and funny? Yeah, TGIF and funny. Yeah. Little edge.

16:28 Drew Does she like it?

16:29 Adam She was amused, but then she had to leave. Yeah. Yeah. She may not have gotten around to it, so you may want to bring that up when you go in. Anna? Oh, I hung up on someone? Fantastic. Anna, you're 22.

16:43 Caller Yes.

16:43 Adam What's up?

16:45 Caller Well, my problem is that my ex-boyfriend, we broke up two months ago, has been trying to keep contact with me over the past couple of months. He sent me five emails, he's called me a couple of times and I just haven't responded to him and I've been trying to ignore him and recently I've had some issues with jobs and I had to go back to working at my old job and I just found out that he also started working there as well. So now I'm forced with the issue of the fact that I'm going to be working with him at this job and...

17:16 Andy Dick What kind of work?

17:21 Caller At a restaurant. I go to school full time so it's really hard for me to find work that will coincide with my work schedule.

17:27 Andy Dick What does he do?

17:28 Caller What does he do?

17:29 Andy Dick What does he do?

17:32 Caller He is graduated from college and he works at a bar and he works at the restaurant.

17:37 Drew You still like him.

17:39 Adam I know someone came up with server because it sounds better than waiter or waitress but not really. Server sounds a lot closer to servant or slave even than waitress or waiter sounds noble compared to server.

17:54 Caller I like minion. I think minion is a good word.

17:56 Drew But do you still like that guy?

18:01 Caller I found out that he lied to me after we broke up because we tried to be friends for a little while because we have the same friend group.

18:09 Andy Dick What did he lie to you about? About what?

18:12 Caller He was still telling me that he was still in love with me and stuff after he broke up with me. And during that time, he was sleeping with a girl.

18:20 Andy Dick So what? That doesn't mean he wasn't in love with you.

18:23 Caller But to me, that's just a contradiction.

18:26 Andy Dick No, for a woman, that's a contradiction. For a guy, that's how they cope with being in love with somebody but not being with them.

18:32 Adam Yeah, that's right. He was probably on top of her seeing you.

18:38 Andy Dick Whatever it is, you're done with him and that's fine. What does he do with the restaurant? How can you avoid him at the restaurant?

18:42 Adam You can't.

18:43 Caller I can't.

18:45 Adam Well, you're not going to be able to do it. Hey, he broke up with you and wants to get back together with you.

18:50 Caller No, he doesn't want to get back together with me. He's dating somebody right now but he still keeps in contact with me.

18:56 Adam I thought you said he keeps e-mailing you and now you're uncomfortable. He does.

19:00 Drew He just wants sex.

19:01 Andy Dick I agree. What's the content of the e-mail?

19:05 Caller He'll say about the fact that he still wants to be friends with me and he doesn't want to lose me.

19:10 Andy Dick Well, you just tell him forget it.

19:12 Adam Oh, no. Anna, you still have feelings for him. No. Yeah.

19:16 Caller I haven't e-mailed him back or anything.

19:18 Adam But you have feelings for him otherwise this wouldn't be an issue. Of course.

19:22 Caller It's an issue because I just don't want it to blow up in my face.

19:25 Adam It's not going to blow up in your face.

19:27 Andy Dick How could it?

19:27 Adam You've painted it by the way like, A, well, first off, she said my ex-boyfriend and we've broken up for a few months. He's constantly e-mailing me and now he's taken a job back where I'm working. Okay, this poor desperate guy is trying to scratch and claws way back into her life.

19:44 Andy Dick Right.

19:44 Adam No, he dumped her. He's banging somebody else. He's extending the olive branch and she still has feelings for him. Look, all you got to do is A, admit you have feelings for him and if you do, it's going to be a bad situation. But if you really don't, then just go to work.

20:00 Andy Dick Yeah, forget it. Don't worry about him.

20:02 Caller Well, I just worry that he's just going to keep doing the same thing. I don't want to hang out with him. What do you care?

20:07 Adam Keep doing the same. No.

20:09 Andy Dick What do you care?

20:09 Adam Yeah, you don't care.

20:11 You don't like him.

20:12 Adam You don't have feelings for him.

20:15 Caller Right. But if someone's constantly bugging you about-

20:17 Adam No, no one's going to-

20:19 Drew You're afraid that you're going to give in.

20:21 Adam Yeah, it's not going to constantly bug you about being friends.

20:25 Andy Dick Yeah. You tell them no and that's it. Yeah, you haven't told them no.

20:32 Adam Look, just tell them and no one's certain.

20:34 Caller I sent him an email and I told him, listen, I don't want anything further to do with you.

20:40 Adam No, you said, I'm mad at you for what you did, whatever, and he feels bad. He's trying to make up for it.

20:45 Caller No. I just sent it to him recently when I was going to be going back to work and I said, listen, we're going to be working together. I just want us to have a work relationship. I don't want anything with you outside of work.

20:56 Andy Dick Did he respond to that?

20:57 Drew Boring.

20:57 Andy Dick Did he respond to that?

20:59 Caller No. He hasn't responded to my request.

21:01 Andy Dick Because he's fine, because he's stopped.

21:03 Adam I'm with Andy. Who cares? Go to your work. You miss him. Look, I lived in a house. I grew up in a house of 800 square feet. I've avoided my parents for nine years. Believe me, it's easy to do.

21:15 Andy Dick Yeah, it's fine.

21:16 Adam You're busy. You got the blooming onion.

21:19 Drew 800 square feet? That's small. Was it a one bedroom?

21:23 Adam It was on a flagpole. I swear.

21:30 Drew Was it really 800 square feet?

21:31 Adam I swear to you. Yeah, I'm going to figure out the square footage of my grandmother's house during the commercial break.

21:37 Andy Dick That you lived with your mom and stepdad.

21:39 Adam Oh, that house. Oh, yeah. Oh, service porch. Oh, that was great.

21:43 Drew You lived on the service porch?

21:44 Adam We lived on the service porch, Andy.

21:45 Drew With the laundry machines?

21:47 Adam Well, you say machines, plural.

21:49 Drew Well, the washer and dryer. You didn't have a dryer.

21:52 Adam Well, who are we, the Rockefellers?

21:54 Drew You didn't even have a dryer.

21:56 Adam Didn't, didn't.

21:57 Drew You had to hang them out back.

21:59 Adam Let me explain.

22:00 Drew Oh, my goodness, you're so happy.

22:03 Adam Let me explain something.

22:04 Drew Look how good he's doing.

22:05 Adam Let me tell you what was in my room. My room had the washing machine. It had the water heater. I should have been dead of carbon monoxide. The thing should have blown up and killed me many times over. Adam, I've never got, one ear's melted off. I can barely talk.

22:20 Like Phantom of the Paradise. Hey, Drew, I was beating up whatever I got here.

22:31 Adam Drew's coming down. Drew's having to tend to my wounds that open up when I laugh too hard. It's sad. Yeah, water heater, washing machine, and meter. The meter reader.

22:42 Andy Dick The meter for the heat for that gas.

22:44 Adam The electric meter guy, he would come into my room. And I should walk into my room and open the closet and have to read the meter, which is inside the house. But ironically, meter inside the house, white trash. For some reason, usually sofa outside the house, white trash. Meter inside, white trash. You see what I'm saying?

23:02 Andy Dick It was because we were closing outside parts of the house.

23:05 Adam Yeah, it was a porch that was about five feet by nine and a half feet that ended up getting a roof put on it, not closed, you know, open beam, and then just wall and a couple of windows.

23:21 Drew What city was that?

23:22 Adam Fabulous North Hollywood.

23:23 Drew Oh, man.

23:24 Adam Oh, what a dream. What a palatial state. Let me tell you something about how crappy that room was and that house was. I watch Extreme Home Makeover fairly religiously, and every time I watch the show, they do that beginning thing where they're like, we're in the Johnson family, and they got the six people, and they're walking through, and they're like, oh, my God, look at the size of your bedroom. Oh, look, you have no closet. And I always go, wow, those people are really down. And then I go, wait a minute. My room was twice as bad as that, and twice as small. How dare my parents.

23:54 Andy Dick Isn't it the case that that washing machine was the only one in two families?

23:57 Adam Three.

23:58 Andy Dick Three families. The only washing machine for grandmother?

24:01 Adam Yeah.

24:02 Andy Dick Dad and stepmom, mom and stepdad.

24:03 Adam I'll tell you, there were three homes, three homes, not three apartments, three separate homes in North Hollywood, three sets of adults, three couples, average age at the time combined with the grandparents and the dad were probably 61 years of age. Out of the three homes, there was one washing machine.

24:22 Andy Dick In Adam's room.

24:23 Drew Where was your mom and dad?

24:24 Adam In my room. Well, my parents got divorced. My dad bought a house in North Hollywood for $17,500, by the way, in 1975. Close your eyes, imagine what 17.5 gets you.

24:35 Andy Dick Was the street paved?

24:36 Adam No, it was a dirt driveway. And no, and my grandmother, by the way, this is a nice piece of trivia. My grandmother is now 91 years old and last weekend received her first washer and dryer, albeit used, but received her first washer and dryer.

24:53 Drew Did you buy it for her?

24:54 Adam Hell no.

24:55 Drew You don't like her?

24:56 Adam She's okay. I give her three. All right, should we take a break?

25:00 Andy Dick Let's do take a break.

25:01 Adam Andy, that's not a one. Andy, one is where they actually beat you with a switch for yawning in front of them. Andy Dick is here tonight, Less Than Perfect, TGI, F'n Funny Fridays on 930 ABC. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

25:30 Caller Hello, this is Domingo from the Saturday Night Live. And you did listen to The Love Line with the Adam Corolla sus and the Drew man with the ass. No, you can't have me. No mango for you.

25:46 Yeah, Love Line, Best Girl on Outlaw Radio North America.

25:50 Adam Andy Dick and Steve Night Drew, you know what I'm disclosing to you?

25:55 Andy Dick Don't tempt him, man.

25:55 Adam He'll drop. I can tell you, man, I have to kill you. 8.35, 35 after eight o'clock, 25 away from the top of the hour, nine o'clock. Coming up straight up top of the hour, news and traffic coming up. Uh-oh, a little news, a little weather report, a little traffic, a little traffic and lanes. Look out, I managed to breathe a four or five. Watch out for brake lights in the 101 Harbor Exchange. Slow and go, look out. All right, Andy Dick and Steve Night, dear, dear friend Andy Dick.

26:25 I'll tell you what.

26:27 Adam I'll tell you what, he's a funny guy, Andy Dick. But he's on, he's a good friend, a dear friend. I'll tell you, funny, funny guy, big fan, never missed a guy. He's on ABC, Friday Nights, 9.30 less in Birmingham. Yeah, and you know, he doesn't like Chris the Mango, by the way, Chris the Container. Oh, that's right. I did that on purpose. Oh yeah, that's right. Oh no, Anderson, oh yes.

26:58 Drew Anderson, he just likes to start crap.

27:00 Adam He is, he's a fire starter, that Anderson. No, I mean literally, starts fire, starts fires after that.

27:06 Drew I'm a pyromaniac, too.

27:08 Adam Shocking.

27:09 Andy Dick Did you smear feces when you were a kid?

27:11 Drew Yeah, my mom said I did.

27:12 Adam Oh really? I waited till I was a teenager.

27:15 Andy Dick You just threw feces.

27:17 Adam What are you gonna do?

27:18 Andy Dick It's different.

27:18 Adam When provoked, I have to protect myself.

27:20 Andy Dick You have his finger pain, he's not hurling.

27:22 Adam Okay, well here's my point. What was the deal with the Chris Catan, Andy Dick, Saturday Night Live thing? I don't wanna knock any scabs off wounds, but he played you.

27:31 Drew While I was in rehab.

27:32 Adam While you were in rehab.

27:33 Drew He was very mean.

27:34 Adam He was mean.

27:34 Drew Yeah, really, really mean. Well, kicking a man when he's down.

27:37 Adam And do you hold that against him?

27:40 Drew I just, yes. I don't like him.

27:42 Adam But haven't you screwed with many performers?

27:44 Drew No, not my friends.

27:45 Andy Dick Oh, he was your friend at the time?

27:47 Drew Yeah, we were friends.

27:47 Adam Oh, you were friends?

27:48 Drew I had performed with him at the Groundlings. And I knew him. And it would be like if you, you know, got AIDS. If you got AIDS and I just went, look at me, I'm Adam Carolla with AIDS.

28:03 Adam I thought that was funny.

28:04 Drew Yeah, it wouldn't be if you had AIDS.

28:05 Adam It wouldn't be, you're right. You're right. But if I had AIDS, it would only be HIV. It wouldn't be full blown AIDS because Drew would nip it in the butt. Drew had me on that triple cocktail and that would be eating all those raw berries.

28:17 Andy Dick Oh, that would make all the difference. That would make all the difference.

28:22 Drew That was a bad time. I was also very weak. You were weak. Well, you know, my mind, I was very upset. That was the first time I had ever stopped doing drugs and alcohol all together after years. So, you know, when you first stop, you're shaky and scared and paranoid and freaked out. And then, you know, it was bad enough to have people talk about me that I didn't know. But then when a friend portrays me, in a really horrible way.

28:49 Adam Right. Now, did you see it live or did someone show it to you?

28:53 Drew I think somebody told me about it. And I was in rehab and I just got very upset. It's the stuff that makes people commit suicide.

29:01 Andy Dick Where were you treated for?

29:01 Drew I'll tell you that. It's the stuff that makes people commit suicide. And I've seen people commit suicide for less things than that.

29:07 Andy Dick Were you a promises?

29:08 Drew Yeah. All right. Let's... I'm okay now. He can say anything he wants.

29:14 Adam Right.

29:14 Drew I'll just kick him in the balls.

29:16 Caller Hi, this is Chris Catan from Saturday Night Live and you're listening...

29:20 Adam Fortunately, he has no microphone.

29:23 Drew Yeah, that's what I...

29:25 Adam All right. Well, you ready to go for it here? Let's go.

29:29 Drew He got fired, by the way, from a Broadway show recently. He was on a Broadway show. He got fired.

29:34 Adam Good. His head should grow on the ground like an onion. Yes, Drew?

29:37 Drew I guess he's having a lot of trouble now.

29:38 Andy Dick His hair should grow in its place.

29:39 Adam That's right.

29:40 Drew You know, I'm sure he just doesn't have his crap together, but when it comes down to it, I'm sure he's a good guy. And he's, I don't know him anymore, but I think he's having a little trouble with the drugs and alcohol now. Tables have turned.

29:53 Adam The worm has turned, yes, Drew?

29:54 Drew Haven't they, Chris Kattan?

29:56 Adam Right. Well, maybe he'll kill himself tonight.

29:59 Drew Great. No, he's a good guy. And I just would rather not work with him or even talk about him. Too much time spent on him.

30:06 Adam Rain, that's right. Rain? You're 22? What's up, baby doll?

30:11 Caller Okay, well, I've been bleeding for over a month and I don't know if it's from chronic masturbating or my body adjusting to the lithium I'm on.

30:21 Drew Are you bleeding out of your vagina?

30:24 Caller Yes. Good.

30:25 Drew Okay, I just wanted to clarify and I wanted to say that sentence. I wanted to say that sentence.

30:30 Adam Drew, what's the worst place to bleed out of? I've seen a lot of action movies and I think the ear.

30:35 Andy Dick The ear means a basal skull fracture. Yuck.

30:38 Adam Yeah.

30:38 Andy Dick So that's why that's bad.

30:40 Drew Could she have that same kind of fracture if she's bleeding out of her vagina?

30:44 Andy Dick No, no.

30:45 Drew The blood wouldn't get down there. No, it would come out the ear. So yeah. Now what if it came out the ear, dripped down the body?

30:50 Adam Yeah.

30:51 Drew And then was coming.

30:51 Adam No, I agree with Andy. Sometimes when you have like a transmission fluid leak, you think it's a certain spot in the driveway. But it follows. It follows the contour and comes out on the low drain plug part of the transmission.

31:02 Drew What if there was something like that? You should check your ear, honey. Make sure that it's not coming out of the ear.

31:07 Adam I agree with Andy.

31:08 Drew And then weaving its way down to your vagina.

31:10 Andy Dick The beer, when the beer falls to the contour.

31:12 Adam Oh, the stripper? I think it was called like a golden shower or something.

31:16 Drew Yeah, wait, she's talking to me.

31:18 Adam Go ahead and write.

31:21 Drew Oh, you did?

31:22 Caller Yeah, I'm so used to sex and now I masturbate all the time.

31:24 Drew Well, let me ask the Dr. Drew question. When were you or how were you molested as a child?

31:32 Adam Mm-hmm. Really?

31:34 Drew Dr. Drew?

31:36 Caller And a Gemini, which makes me very, very physically active.

31:41 Adam Oh, you're Gemini.

31:42 Drew Now, are you masturbating with a Black and Decker? Or, I mean, a vibrator with drill bits on it?

31:52 Caller It looks like a flashlight. It glows in the dark.

31:55 Andy Dick Are you manic?

31:56 Drew That might be a mag light.

31:57 Andy Dick Are you manic now, Rayne?

31:59 Caller Yes, I've been on lithium.

32:01 Andy Dick But are you manic? Have you been manic-y?

32:03 I'm getting manic here.

32:04 Drew Put down the mag nightlight. Stop putting up your vagina. It would make me bleed.

32:10 Andy Dick Well, the compulsive masturbation can be an expression of hypomania.

32:14 Drew I just started bleeding thinking about a mag nightlight.

32:17 Andy Dick And the bleeding probably is the lithium. However, lithium can affect your...

32:23 Adam That's me raping Andy.

32:25 Andy Dick That's what it sounded like. I remember that. Here's the deal, Rayne.

32:28 Adam That was mic'd up.

32:28 Andy Dick Lithium can affect thyroid function and thyroid is a very common cause of dysfunctional uterine bleeding.

32:34 Adam Hey, Rayne.

32:35 Andy Dick So you need to get your lithium level checked, your iron levels checked, and your thyroid level checked.

32:39 Drew Get one of those big damn band-aids and just put it right over your vaginal area.

32:43 Andy Dick And then the compulsive masturbation means your mania is not being properly treated. So you need to talk to whoever's prescribing the lithium about maybe a more modern mood stabilizer, like a trileptal or valproic acid, something like that.

32:54 Adam Rayne, Rayne. What got you out of stripping?

32:59 Andy Dick Well.

33:00 Drew The bleeding vagina.

33:02 Adam Oh yeah?

33:02 Drew The bleeding vagina, people stopped coming. They stopped throwing the money.

33:07 Caller Right. Because the guys aren't, well. The guys don't.

33:13 Adam Where did you strip? Did you move from Nevada or something? No stripper work that we found in Arkansas?

33:23 Caller Well, it's like from where I'm at, it's about two hours to the nearest club.

33:28 Drew How old are you?

33:29 Caller And the money isn't all that great.

33:31 Adam 22, yeah.

33:33 Caller Down here.

33:34 Adam Right, right. Yeah, it really does vary quite a bit. All right, Rainn, so what are you doing for work now, by the way?

33:41 Drew There's not much work out there for an ex-stripper bleeding from the vagina.

33:46 Andy Dick Not doing anything? All right, who'd you come out there with?

33:48 Caller There's no work for women out here at all.

33:50 Drew Bleeding from the vagina?

33:51 Andy Dick Who'd you come out there with?

33:53 Caller My parents.

33:54 Andy Dick You're 22, living with your parents, you have to move with them?

33:56 Caller Well, no, I moved with them to go to college at UALR. UALR, University of Arkansas, Little Rock.

34:13 Adam And is it razorbacks?

34:15 Andy Dick No, that's...

34:15 Caller Yeah.

34:17 Adam Okay, and what happened?

34:18 Drew Take the razorbacks out of your vagina. Maybe the bleeding will clear up.

34:23 Adam By the way, it's gotta be bad news when you couldn't make it in, your SAT scores weren't high enough to make it into a college that's named after a pig. It's bad times. Uh-huh.

34:36 Caller At Southern Illinois.

34:37 Adam All right.

34:38 Drew That's another part of school.

34:39 Caller I've got the smarts to get into a real school.

34:42 Adam Okay.

34:42 Caller But with all the muds, I have to be on the lithium and the risperidol.

34:46 Andy Dick Ooh.

34:47 Caller Mm-hmm.

34:48 Adam Risperidol.

34:48 Andy Dick Risperidol can cause the bleeding too, so...

34:50 Drew Why is she on something else?

34:52 Andy Dick She's really bipolar.

34:53 Caller All right, listen.

34:54 Adam But what if she started using raw food, Drew?

34:57 Drew I could cure her with nutrition, and I know I really could, but people can't stick to it. Right. No, I swear to you, I could.

35:04 Adam I believe you.

35:05 Andy Dick Unfortunately, Andy, people die of bipolar condition. You can't really screw with that.

35:10 Drew Because they try to peel their skin off like an orange.

35:12 Andy Dick They have lots of different things happen.

35:14 Drew But how do you die from bipolarness?

35:15 Andy Dick They kill themselves more often than not.

35:16 Drew Really.

35:17 Adam All right, but that's not dying of. That's still killing yourself. Rain?

35:20 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

35:20 Adam All right, so do whatever Drew said to do, and give your parents a break.

35:30 Drew Give your parents a break by stopping bleeding from your vagina. Give us all a break.

35:35 Adam It's gotta be, that's gotta be horrible. You move in Arkansas and your stripper daughter wants to go.

35:40 Drew It's horrible if you're in the audience and the stripper you're watching is bleeding from her vagina. That's what's horrible.

35:45 Adam Yeah, that's bad. That's bad times.

35:48 Drew I'm not throwing her a dollar.

35:50 Adam Yeah.

35:50 Andy Dick What do you think vaginas are for, Andy?

35:52 Adam Yeah, Drew.

35:53 Drew Bleeding?

35:54 Adam Yeah, come on. Make some people. You know what I would have done if I were a parent? I would have been like when a car would have been all loaded up to go to Arkansas, and I would have been like, sweetie, hold on, before you get in. I mean, I've showed him a vibrator. We got him excited, like, here you go, here you go. And I would have chucked it, chucked it in the woods. And then while she ran after it, me and the missus would jump in the car and peel out. Awesome, right? It's good. Yeah. Andy Dick in studio tonight, part of the TGIF and funny Friday night line up on ABC 930. A clean and sober Andy Dick, everybody.

36:29 Drew I only have one problem.

36:31 Adam What's that?

36:32 Drew My vagina is bleeding.

36:34 Andy Dick It's a big problem for a male.

36:35 I just wanted to see the wet pink stick.

36:38 Adam All right, let's...

36:39 Drew What the heck?

36:40 Adam I remember that. You see, you were high, you don't know what you were saying.

36:44 Drew Remember somebody wandered into the...

36:45 I'm talking about Dog's Wiener.

36:47 Adam Yeah, Dog's Wiener. Yeah. Oh, no. Andy.

36:50 Drew I thought it was when that guy wanted you to check out his ding-dong, because he had a rash, and I insisted on being your assistant.

36:57 Adam Yeah.

36:58 I just wanted to see the wet pink stick.

37:00 Andy Dick That is what happened.

37:01 Is that what happened?

37:02 Adam But that's something else. Andy, what are your BMs like? Like, I imagine shredded wheat.

37:08 Drew Good.

37:08 Adam Like, just a big... Remember the big shredded wheat?

37:10 Drew They're real seedy.

37:11 Adam Yeah.

37:12 Drew You can see the seeds in them.

37:13 Adam I'd like to. All right, let's take a break. Let's see if we can work up an example.

37:18 Drew And a stool sample.

37:20 Adam Please.

37:20 Drew And I go a lot. The raw food movement.

37:24 Adam Like, back in the day, they were more like a space bar. Remember those? Yeah. Little yellow packet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now they're probably like one of those pine mountain logs. Yes. It's very fibrous. Yes. All right, let's take a break. Andy Dick and Stuart and I will take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Anthony Kiedis in here from Red Hot Chili Peppers. Dr. Drew, to my left, and to my left or left, the great Andy Dick, everyone. Less than Perfect, ABC 930, Friday Nights, everyone, going on year three.

38:12 Andy Dick Sarah Roos seems like a delightful person.

38:13 Drew She's fun. Yeah, I really like her. In the last month or so, we've been laughing a lot. But I laugh with everybody there. Everybody there is so awesome. They're way better than me, I'll tell you that.

38:23 Adam Better what?

38:24 Drew Better people. Oh, well, yeah. They're just really good people.

38:28 Adam No, S.

38:29 Drew They're just, Andrea Parker is so-

38:31 Adam Go down to Guantanamo Bay and find better people.

38:33 Drew Shut the F up. I'm a good person. No, you're mean enough. I struggle, you know? It really is hard for me. Andrea Parker is so fun and so classy and so beautiful. And Sherri Shepherd is so loving and funny.

38:47 Andy Dick What's the struggle for you?

38:48 Adam What's the struggle, Andy?

38:49 Drew Just life, man, everything. But the whole cast is wonderful, really great people.

38:54 Andy Dick Get off that real quick.

38:55 Adam Are you-

38:56 Drew Well, come on, everything's a struggle. Sometimes I struggle just to get out of bed or, you know?

39:01 Adam Those are the toxins that are built up inside your body, right Drew?

39:04 Andy Dick Toxins, yes, toxins.

39:05 Adam All right, but Andy, are you happy?

39:08 Drew No, I mean, why does everybody always ask me that?

39:11 Adam Yeah, well-

39:12 Drew I was happy when I was doing drugs. Really?

39:15 Andy Dick If you're an addict, no heroin addict's happier than when they're fixing. Right.

39:20 Drew I was happy when I was drinking. Give me a beer and some tequila and a big fat blunt and I'm happy.

39:28 Andy Dick It's a little-

39:28 Drew I'm happy just to look at it.

39:30 Andy Dick A little more happy.

39:30 Drew Knowing I'm gonna be smoking it.

39:32 Andy Dick The better way to just go like-

39:33 Drew Jesus Christ in heaven, where is this bin? Send me an ounce of this stuff. I remember that. I remember that was how I-

39:40 Adam First time I tried pie.

39:41 Andy Dick Yes. But it's better to say, are you okay? How's it going?

39:44 Adam No, you're right, you're right. You know what's the equivalent of-

39:47 Drew I don't have that feeling of happiness.

39:50 Adam I really don't. No, I know what you're saying. I get the same people asking me if I'm having a good time. It just reminded me, the rerunning, I hosted the Late Late Show a couple of weeks back.

40:02 Drew Oh, you did? How did that go? And what is going on with that damn show?

40:05 Adam Well, I'll tell you.

40:06 Drew Tell me, I wanna know, did you do it for a week?

40:08 Andy Dick The re-airing.

40:09 Drew And how did it go? Three days?

40:10 Adam I did it for three days.

40:11 Drew And how did it go?

40:12 Adam Well, I'll tell you what, Andy.

40:13 Drew I can't wait to hear it.

40:14 Andy Dick You can watch it tonight.

40:14 Adam I'll tell you what, you can watch it tonight because they're re-airing.

40:16 Drew Well, why didn't you have me on?

40:19 Adam I didn't have any say.

40:20 Drew You didn't have any say? Because I would have made it good.

40:22 Adam They would have, oh, I know.

40:23 Drew Really, it would have been fun. We could have a lot of fun.

40:25 Adam No, look, I know.

40:26 Andy Dick So, what happened with it?

40:27 Drew Tell us, tell us.

40:28 Adam Oh, what happened with it? Okay.

40:29 Drew Because I saw a couple of their hosts that they got. They just sucked.

40:33 Adam They had some that sucked.

40:34 Drew Sucked.

40:35 Adam They had some people that were quite competent, I felt.

40:39 Drew Who was good?

40:40 Adam Well, it kind of varied. Like, you know, like Tom Arnold was sort of good.

40:44 Drew Oh, he was probably good.

40:45 Adam In his own crazy way.

40:46 Drew He's good. I like him.

40:48 Adam And Michael Ian Black was good in a sort of very competent way. Like, it was surprising. A lot of people just came in and took over the show and sort of didn't miss a beat, didn't drop a line, found the camera, didn't flub anything, you know, held the cards up to the right direction.

41:03 Drew Michael Ian Black made some kind of joke about me.

41:06 Adam Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I think there may have been. So easy.

41:08 Andy Dick Anyway.

41:09 Adam So I think he sucks. There was a, you know.

41:12 Drew Michael Ian Black sucked.

41:13 Adam DL like, Ugly was all right.

41:16 Drew DL who Ugly, I think, did a good job.

41:17 Adam There was a handful. Okay, so.

41:19 Drew But Michael Ian Black, he sucked.

41:21 Adam Here's why.

41:21 Drew Because they made a joke about me. I know, but look. He sucks walking down the street.

41:26 Adam You're in the news. That's the thing.

41:28 Drew He sucks in anywhere.

41:30 Andy Dick In the news or not. Andy wanted to know what's happening.

41:33 Adam So here's that.

41:33 Drew He sucks my nuts. My soggy soaked nuts. I soak my nuts. I eat raw food. I soak my nuts.

41:40 Adam This ain't satellite.

41:41 Drew And he sucks them.

41:42 Andy Dick Here we go. I know you want these nuts.

41:44 Adam Here's my point. They went ahead and looked at, I don't know, 20 people and they narrowed it down to about five people. I was in that group of five. They then were supposed to tell everybody who they were gonna pick like two weeks ago. But instead, they wanted that group of five people to each host a full week and that they would make their decision around the first. They didn't tell me not to say anything, so I just go ahead and say it. I declined because I have other deals going on in other places that have been put on hold for a while and now they're asking to push it back another two months and these other people can't wait on the off chance that I might get the gig. So I just said thanks but no thanks and now I'm moving ahead with other plans. But for some reason, they're on hiatus this week and they're re-airing shows. I guess the fact that they're re-airing one of my shows is a good sign because they're not gonna take the crappy ones, right?

42:39 Andy Dick Well, it makes sense they would be re-airing the top five.

42:42 Drew Yeah, for sure. That means it was a good show. Who was the guest?

42:45 Adam Oh, okay. Nicolette Sheridan and you, you were just really high. You don't remember, you threw up, was kind of weird.

42:52 Drew Then it sounds like a good show. It was excellent.

42:54 So, Andy, you can watch me tonight after Letterman on CBS if you want to see how it went.

42:59 Drew I do, I will.

43:00 Adam All right, where were we, where are we, where are we going?

43:02 Andy Dick We're taking calls, here we go.

43:03 Adam Taking calls, everybody.

43:04 Drew We're here to help.

43:05 Andy Dick Data is 28.

43:07 Adam Oh yeah, all right. Also, Drawing Together show I'm in is on tonight too, but I think we're only about 10 minutes left of that show. Are you ready to go?

43:15 Andy Dick Here we go.

43:16 Adam All right, Drew, well look, hold on a second. How many times you plug your goddamn book, I'm on a TV show, I'm not allowed to give it a mention? And don't give me that, don't give me that, here we go.

43:23 Andy Dick I'm glad, no, no, I'm not giving it to you, it's the guy over on my left.

43:26 Adam All right.

43:27 Andy Dick Here we go. Here we go.

43:29 Adam For those of you at home, I am to Drew's laughter. That's why I'm angry. Dana? 28?

43:35 Caller How are you?

43:36 Adam What's happening?

43:36 Drew We're all good.

43:37 Caller Good. I have a question regarding a kidney transplant.

43:42 Drew Ouch.

43:43 Caller Yeah.

43:43 Drew I have a question, did it hurt?

43:46 Caller It hurt a little, but definitely, I started feeling better right away.

43:49 Drew Was it your brother's kidney?

43:52 Caller No, it was my sister's.

43:54 Caller Yeah.

43:54 Andy Dick Just got rid of the toxins, it never would have happened.

43:57 Caller Yeah.

43:57 Caller Yeah. Anyway, it's a crazy question, but the question is, what happens if you do mushrooms?

44:08 Andy Dick On your new kidney?

44:09 Caller Yeah.

44:10 Drew You should have done it right before the operation.

44:13 Caller No, I know, and I haven't, cause I'm totally like protective over it and all that good stuff, but I'm just curious that I don't wanna cross my doctor.

44:20 Andy Dick You're on cyclosporine, and what else?

44:23 Caller And I'm on some blood pressure medicine and prednisone.

44:28 Andy Dick Okay.

44:29 Drew Well, if you want to do mushrooms, I happen to have some leftover in my cabinet. I really do, somebody gave some to me.

44:34 Adam Oh, really?

44:35 Drew I went to Chris Pontius' bachelor party, you know, from Bam, or Wild Boys, from Wild Boys, and oh, it was just wild. But anyway, somebody just gave me a bag of mushrooms.

44:47 Adam Well, Andy can send you out some mushrooms.

44:49 Drew I'll give them to you. Unless Dr. Drew says that's a no-go.

44:52 Andy Dick No, you know, Dana, there's nothing specific about it that would interact with the medications or would harm the kidney, though, you know, I don't know if anyone's ever studied other potential problems with a transplanted kidney.

45:04 Drew Why did she get one in the first place, I'm wondering? Maybe she did a lot of drugs.

45:08 Caller No, actually, it was due to good pasture syndrome, it's an autoimmune disease.

45:13 Andy Dick Did you cough up blood and all that stuff too?

45:17 Caller I know, and it's pretty bad. And that's why I would never do it without, you know.

45:22 Drew I wouldn't, I just wouldn't play with it. But you know what, I know why you want to. Can I say something? I know why, because she just, look, they use those kind of drugs. Remember back in the 50s and the 60s, that those cyclo, what are they called?

45:37 Andy Dick Psychedelics.

45:37 Drew Yeah, like to have people to help them. They were therapeutic.

45:42 Andy Dick I know, but that's been pretty much completely shut down.

45:45 Drew But here's the open doors.

45:46 Andy Dick The deal is though, if you are willing to risk your kidney to use drugs, that's the biggest problem here. I can't tell you specifically that it's gonna be harmful. None of us thinks it's a great idea, but if you're willing to risk a transplanted kidney to do drugs, then it's a problem.

46:00 Adam And yeah, all right. And cyclotropic or something.

46:05 Andy Dick That's it, that's the word.

46:06 Drew No, but I was looking for cyclotropic.

46:08 Andy Dick Psychotropic?

46:08 Adam Psychotropic, yeah.

46:10 Andy Dick That's what I was looking for.

46:11 Adam I even know what he's looking for.

46:12 Andy Dick Psychotropic is for pharmaceuticals. Those are antidepressants. Psychedelics are what they use in the 60s to try to. And there actually is some research going on with ecstasy.

46:20 Drew I thought psychotropic.

46:22 Andy Dick Ecstasy and PTSD that many have some of you that don't.

46:25 Adam We gotta take a break.

46:26 Drew Oh, then ecstasy is a psychotropic.

46:27 Adam We have to take a break. Go look it up, you'll find out I'm right.

46:31 Drew I don't care.

46:31 Adam Okay, here's what's going on. We're taking a break. And by the way, here's why you can't take mushrooms. You take mushrooms, you're gonna be thinking about your kidney that was living inside your other person and then harvested and put inside. It's gonna start talking to you and it's gonna thumping, it's gonna get its own heartbeat. Then it's gonna try to escape through your urethra.

46:45 Drew It's trying to cut its way out.

46:47 Adam Yeah, it's gonna eating its way out once it gets back in your brother.

46:50 Andy Dick And I love that. That's why you can't do it.

46:51 Adam That's why you can't do it. Forget about the medical part.

46:55 Drew It's gonna start talking to it.

46:56 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Andy Dick in the studio tonight, the great Andy Dick. Andy's on a raw food kick. He just opened a bar that seems like, I like a little taste of that. It's a raw, what is it, Andy?

47:30 Drew You might not like it. It's pumpkin seeds, flax seeds.

47:34 Adam I'm a seed guy.

47:36 Drew Dates, agave, nectar, and sea salt.

47:39 Got to eat them right in the mics, guys.

47:42 Andy Dick You have to do that. It's a little bit like, yeah, barks, sawdust. This is back to Yule Givens days when eating pine cones and things.

47:53 You know what I like about Drew?

47:56 Adam Drew's a doctor, but he loves himself a nice, greasy slab of meat. He's like a pig. When he found out my cholesterol level, told me to go sick, told me to eat whatever I wanted. Right?

48:08 Andy Dick I don't remember.

48:09 Adam I told you what my cholesterol was, and you went, eh, go do whatever you want.

48:13 Andy Dick What was it?

48:14 Adam It was whatever. It was low. You told me to go nuts. So then I started eating butter with everything.

48:19 Andy Dick Good.

48:20 Adam By the cube. Now I eat breakfast now. I just take a cube of butter and I just roll it in some shredded wheat and I just eat it.

48:26 Drew Putting sticks of butter up your bum.

48:28 Mm-hmm.

48:29 Drew Mm-hmm. After rolling it in the Wheaties.

48:32 Mm-hmm.

48:33 Adam Yeah, keister butter.

48:34 Mm-hmm. All right, you ready to rock?

48:39 Adam Tell you what I like to do, Drew. And by the way, you can talk sometimes while I'm eating.

48:42 Andy Dick I got you.

48:43 Adam Doing something else.

48:44 Mm-hmm.

48:45 Andy Dick All right. Let's take a call. This is now Jessica18.

48:48 Adam Hold on, buddy. Not so fast. Let me say this.

48:52 Andy Dick We're gonna be playing. Why do you think I don't talk? You can talk. If I start doing something I wanna do.

48:57 Adam No, just start talking. We just could talk about something else. That's what I like to talk. Say something about Andy Dick or something.

49:02 Andy Dick I like to take a call.

49:02 Adam Once in a blue moon, I lean over, I have to sneeze or something and I realize, oh, it's dead air. As I had a hiccup and now we don't hear anything.

49:10 Talk to the guest.

49:12 Andy Dick When you start hammering somebody down, every time they open their mouth, you stop talking.

49:17 Quiet down.

49:17 Andy Dick That's what happens, exactly what happens.

49:19 Adam No, interview Andy, come on. No, look, you can see sometimes I have to sneeze if I pull away.

49:23 Andy Dick Yeah, so let me take a call.

49:24 It's dead air.

49:25 Caller I interviewed Chris Catan from Saturday Night Live.

49:29 Adam Yeah, interview Andy.

49:31 Drew I'm in no position to be interviewed, I'm eating.

49:33 Andy Dick I know.

49:33 Adam I don't eat anymore, Andy. That's enough.

49:35 Drew I'm so rude.

49:36 Very rude.

49:37 Andy Dick Okay, what happens? Who's advising you on this stuff?

49:40 Me.

49:40 Andy Dick You just decided you did it yourself.

49:42 Adam You're listening to you?

49:43 Mm-hmm.

49:44 Adam Wow.

49:45 Andy Dick Mm-hmm.

49:45 Adam Think about that, Drew. Okay. Let's play Ace's Ranchero. Mexican accordion countdown. Let me get finished with the title of the game, please. It's a long title. It is. How do you play it? How don't you play it? Here's how you play it.

50:02 Drew Ace's Ranchero accordion countdown.

50:05 Adam Yeah. Here's the way it works. I've realized Ranchero music is some of the greatest music that the Latino community has to offer. On the earth. And Wagner, Bach, Verdi, you couldn't hold a candle to these fine folks with their silver teeth and their crazy hats and their novelty size hollowed out guitars. And the point is, is engineer Michelle, who does some weddings every once in a while. And God knows who'd want Ranchero music playing during their wedding. But the point is, she does a little mobile DJing. Yeah, high end, high end stuff. She does a little mobile DJing. She has some great Ranchero music and the accordion seems to be the cornerstone of Ranchero music. And the question is, is how long before we hear accordion music? Now, what happens is Michelle just pots up a random Ranchero song, and we've not heard it before. And we guess, when does the accordion come in? How long before we hear the accordion? Drew, you want to start?

51:08 Andy Dick Six seconds.

51:10 Adam Six seconds. A lifetime.

51:14 Drew If you overbid, you lose, right?

51:17 Andy Dick Well, no.

51:18 Adam No, whoever's closest will go with. Whoever's closest.

51:21 Drew Then I'll just go with, because you just said that's an eternity.

51:25 Adam It's a long time.

51:26 Drew Okay, I'm gonna say three.

51:27 Adam Three. Three seconds. I'm going.

51:31 Andy Dick You gotta go with your instant or 12.

51:32 Adam I'm going high. I'm going above, I'm going seven. Oh, smart. All right, now hold on. Hold on, Michelle. Let me get queued up to 10. You ready? And go. Yeah. Well, wait a minute.

51:47 Andy Dick That's an accordion, right?

51:48 Adam Wait. No, no, that was horns, that was horns you heard immediately.

51:57 Andy Dick So it was six seconds on the accordion.

52:00 Adam No, it was.

52:02 Drew The first thing was horns.

52:03 Adam First thing was horns. Andy's a musician for Christ's sake. The first thing, no, the first was horns, and then the accordion kicked in about 12 seconds down the road. Was it that long? Yeah. Can you go back?

52:15 Andy Dick 12 seconds?

52:15 Adam Here, let's do it again. Go from the part you started it from, all right? All right, and go. That's an accordion. That's immediately. All right, you win this round, my friend. Oh, no, Andy wins.

52:31 Andy Dick Yeah, three seconds.

52:32 Adam Andy went with three seconds.

52:33 Drew No, she started it up from where she left off. You didn't start from the beginning.

52:37 Adam Right. No, you're right. That was accordion.

52:40 Drew Oh, you're just supposed to be random like that, start in the middle?

52:44 Adam Let us enjoy it a little bit by the way.

52:45 Drew I like it. Yeah, it puts me in a good mood. Now, I'm happy.

52:49 Adam Yeah, no, it's great music. Pot it up.

52:50 Drew Now, I'm happy.

52:52 Adam Oh, yeah. Really? Drew, you would listen to this when you're studying for like medical boards, right?

53:01 Andy Dick Well, in New England. I mean, in New England, Andy, we used to listen to this. I mean, this is everywhere. Every restaurant plays this music. You know, so it's coming out and pouring out of every door.

53:10 Adam Yeah. So we did listen to it. Mid-70s, New England, winter time.

53:13 Andy Dick Winter, February, mid-70s.

53:17 Drew It's pounding out of every kitchen.

53:19 Andy Dick No, no, no. Oh, no, no. No.

53:21 Drew You know where it's coming out of my apartment every day because of my construction workers.

53:25 Adam Yes.

53:25 Andy Dick In the 70s, it was everywhere.

53:27 Adam Yes. Let me do a little recreation of what it's like down at the Corolla house with the construction.

53:33 Andy Dick He's got construction crews there all the time. Right.

53:36 Adam Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.

53:38 Drew And that's the music you hear.

53:39 Adam Here's what happens. I come down.

53:41 Drew I have it, too, at my apartment building.

53:43 Adam I come down to the garage about 9.30 in the morning. I've got a headache. I went to bed at 3.30. I watched four hours of Hitler programming on it. So I'm a little morose. And I come walking into the basement. And here's what's like. Ozzie, come here. Ozzie, what are you doing?

54:03 Caller First off, I told you it was thinset, not a tuck trowel. You're using a hawk, and you're using thinset.

54:16 Stop it!

54:19 Drew Here's what my guy does right at that moment after you touch up. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault!

54:27 Adam This blaring in your head when you're having an argument with someone over what you've explained to them the night before, and they didn't...

54:32 Drew So your guys do the same thing, then?

54:34 Adam Oh, yeah.

54:35 Drew Exactly. It's like they don't even speak English.

54:38 Adam They're trying to sabotage us. Andy, here's what I believe.

54:41 Drew I swear they were laughing at me today. And they turned to each other, and they must have said something like, he wants real bricks.

54:47 We'll give him real bricks.

54:49 Drew I swear. And then they were both laughing. And as soon as I turned, they stopped laughing. I didn't know what they were saying.

54:54 Adam Yeah, you got to figure...

54:55 Andy Dick Remember that paranoia you were talking about for the pot? I'm not sure it wore off.

54:58 Drew I was speaking in Spanish, and they were making fun of me. And that's not paranoia.

55:01 Andy Dick How dare they?

55:02 Adam Imagine what they think of Andy Dick. They must have no idea what goes on in this country.

55:07 Drew I know, because I'm trying to act out the bricks.

55:10 Adam Yeah.

55:10 Drew I try to act them out, like, no. Like, what did I say the other day? I went, no, cheapy, cheapy. I want the good stuff, good, good, expensive. No, cheapy, cheapy.

55:21 Adam They're like, okay, queer bae, why don't you go do another shit gun?

55:24 Drew You asshole. They say, it's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

55:31 Andy Dick It's awesome.

55:32 Adam Yep.

55:33 Andy Dick I love Ozzie and his barbecue, though.

55:35 Adam They're happier.

55:35 Drew You laughing at Adam?

55:37 Adam Yeah.

55:37 Andy Dick The best barbecue.

55:38 Adam Yeah. I got a guy who fires up a barbecue every Friday. Every Friday.

55:44 Drew That's what my guy does. He says, when I finish these floors, we have a barbecue.

55:48 Andy Dick You pay. It's good.

55:53 Drew I don't eat the meat, though.

55:54 Andy Dick I go, okay, I'll pay. Andy, will you just start cheating a little bit?

55:57 Adam If you had Ozzie's flank steak.

56:01 Andy Dick Heroin.

56:01 Adam You've had Ozzie's flank steak.

56:03 Andy Dick Unbelievable.

56:03 Drew You come over and have the food with Ozzie?

56:06 Adam Oh, yeah.

56:07 Andy Dick It's spectacular.

56:08 Adam I'm not even there most of the time. He's just having a barbecue.

56:11 Drew Where's your house?

56:12 Adam It's up Lake Hollywood Way.

56:14 Drew Oh, that's a nice area. What about you guys? What's going to happen with real estate with the whole Bush thing? Is it going to go up? Is it going to go down? Is it going to stabilize? I just want to know. Should I buy now? Should I wait?

56:24 Adam Wait.

56:24 Andy Dick I don't think it hurt to wait.

56:25 Adam They say the interest rates are going up, and they say that the prices are going to come down a little bit.

56:32 Andy Dick But then he should buy now if that's the case because he doesn't want the high rates. Take out a huge loan and wait to buy the house.

56:38 Adam That's right.

56:38 Andy Dick That's right.

56:39 Adam I can front you if you need something for the down.

56:41 Drew You're making a lot of money.

56:42 Andy Dick Hi, Jessica.

56:43 Adam Literally a millionaire.

56:44 Andy Dick Literally.

56:45 Adam Literally. Jessica?

56:47 Andy Dick Literally.

56:47 Adam Literally.

56:48 Andy Dick Seriously. Literally.

56:50 Adam Literally. Jessica?

56:53 Andy Dick He has it with all his taxi pays. He has his own squad car.

56:56 Adam That's right.

56:56 Andy Dick It's parked outside of our house.

56:57 Adam Literally a millionaire.

56:58 Andy Dick Yes.

56:59 Adam Jessica, 18.

57:00 Andy Dick In his own trash cart.

57:01 Adam Quiet, Jerome, not biting. Go ahead.

57:04 Drew Like George Lucas. His own ranch. Mm-hmm.

57:07 Adam What's up, baby doll?

57:09 Andy Dick What's up?

57:09 Caller Not a whole lot. Well, my, I guess my boyfriend, he's to be my fiancé. My best friend's been trying to go after him, and since I moved out of his house and back in with my mom, I live farther away and-

57:24 Andy Dick Hold on. Slow down, slow down, slow down. Why did you move out?

57:27 Adam That's like a mad lib of questions, by the way. Your fiancé, your ex-boyfriend, what's going on?

57:32 Caller Well, he's not an ex-boyfriend, right?

57:34 Andy Dick No, no, let me get this focused. Don't do that to her. Why did you leave the boyfriend and move in with your mom?

57:39 Caller He's 27, and his parole officer came over, and so I was too young.

57:45 Andy Dick What was he in jail for?

57:49 I don't, I think battery or robbery.

57:52 Andy Dick You don't know what he, you're living with an ex-con, you don't know what he was in jail for?

57:56 Adam She knows it's not forgery or counterfeiting. She knows it did something.

58:00 Caller Well, no, I know what it was, but I don't, you know, I don't pay attention to these things.

58:04 Adam No, listen, she knows what it is. It's bad.

58:07 Andy Dick Yeah, she's afraid to really let it in, so she's going to gloss it over as, ah, whatever. But it's something hideous, obviously.

58:15 Adam People's memory gets horrible when it's stuff that's embarrassing or negative.

58:19 Andy Dick They don't want to acknowledge you.

58:20 Drew A parole officer means you were in prison. If you're in prison, it's something bad, right?

58:29 Andy Dick What was he in prison for?

58:31 That's what it is, robbery and battery.

58:33 Andy Dick Okay, robbery and battery.

58:35 Adam There you go.

58:35 That's what I said.

58:36 Andy Dick No, you said it was battery or something.

58:38 Adam You didn't really know.

58:39 Andy Dick Pay attention.

58:41 Drew What did he beat them with, his fist or did he pistol whip them? With his penis. That's so funny.

58:49 Adam That's funny.

58:50 Drew I'm going to pistol whip you, lady. I will, too.

58:55 Andy Dick So you moved out because your mom got freaked out that you were living with a criminal or an ex-con?

59:00 Caller No, my mom likes it.

59:01 Andy Dick So why did you move out?

59:03 Caller Well, because his parole officer came over. He wasn't there and his parole officer didn't like me. He ran my name on the computer and said that I was lying to him. So he thinks I'm a liar and he doesn't like me.

59:16 Drew Just be happy your vagina is not bleeding.

59:19 Andy Dick Why did you move out?

59:22 Caller Well, because his parole officer said I wasn't allowed to be there anymore. He said, well, you're only 18, that's too young for him because he's 27. So I moved back in with my mom until he can move and get a new parole officer.

59:37 Adam Hold on a second.

59:38 Drew What's the question?

59:39 Adam I don't know, but it's time to play another round of Aces, Rich, Carolla, Corley and Countdown. That's gold. We know that's gold.

59:46 Drew I'm thinking with three.

59:47 Adam You're thinking with three?

59:49 Andy Dick Jessica has to be an addict to be that convoluted in her thinking.

59:52 Adam She's super lily white trash, but we'll get back with that in a second, Drew. Let's not let it influence the game.

59:58 Andy Dick Instant. Instant.

1:00:00 Adam You're going instant.

1:00:01 Andy Dick Instant.

1:00:01 Adam You're going instant.

1:00:02 Andy Dick Immediate.

1:00:03 Adam You're going three seconds.

1:00:04 Andy Dick I remember she's got that weird stuff that goes for like 24 seconds without an accordion.

1:00:08 Adam I know. That's why I'm going.

1:00:09 Andy Dick Nouveau with Ranchero.

1:00:11 Adam Yeah. It's not your grandfather's Ranchero music. This is his grandfather's Ranchero. It's super old. You know what I'm saying? I'm going crazy. I'm going crazy. We're going 12 seconds here.

1:00:23 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:00:23 Adam 12 seconds for the accordion. All right.

1:00:25 Andy Dick Andy and Beth.

1:00:26 Andy went in with three.

1:00:28 Adam All right. Wait till we get to 10 seconds here. Two, one, go.

1:00:48 Adam, what happened there?

1:00:49 Adam I'm gonna have a seizure, that's why.

1:00:51 Andy Dick I got nauseated there for a second.

1:00:53 Adam It's great, it's great.

1:00:55 Drew He was doing that with his tongue, too.

1:00:57 Adam Here's why we can't judge, because everything is equally beautiful.

1:01:01 Andy Dick Well, this is superior.

1:01:02 Adam This is superior.

1:01:03 Andy Dick Why can't we judge?

1:01:05 Adam Yeah, nothing wrong with calling this superior.

1:01:08 Drew It's great.

1:01:11 Andy Dick You develop your sensibilities.

1:01:13 Listen to that.

1:01:17 Drew I can translate.

1:01:35 Adam If not, it would not be a hate in our head. Yeah, you're in. Go ahead.

1:01:40 Drew Turn it up a little more.

1:01:41 Adam Turn your cans up a little, Andy. Andy, you got a flair for this kind of music.

1:01:53 Drew I like it.

1:01:54 Adam Are you Mexican?

1:01:55 Drew I think part of me is.

1:01:56 Adam Oh, here's that accordion.

1:01:57 Drew You know what? I'll tell you what. Remember the woman who had the kidney transplant? I had a transplant of my testicles. They were transplanted with Mexican jumping beans. Mexican jumping beans. It's a Mexican jumping beat.

1:02:11 Adam That's hysterical if you are high.

1:02:14 Go ahead.

1:02:16 Adam Keep singing.

1:02:18 Drew Turn my music up.

1:02:20 Adam Turn your own music up.

1:02:44 Drew Wait.

1:02:45 Adam That's good.

1:02:47 Drew Oh, wait.

1:02:52 Adam I got it. They're singing about the vagina. Now, we got to focus. We got people calling in. They got real problems.

1:03:05 Drew We have people who really have bleeding vaginas.

1:03:08 Andy Dick Breaking it down here.

1:03:08 Adam Let's talk to Jessica.

1:03:10 Andy Dick We talked to Jessica.

1:03:11 Adam Now, Jessica had a 27-year-old boyfriend, parole officer.

1:03:16 Drew Let her go figure it out. Let her smoke some more crap.

1:03:18 Andy Dick And now, I need to clarify a few more things, Jessica. This is your best friend told you that she was going after your fiancee?

1:03:26 Drew Hmm?

1:03:26 Andy Dick Jessica?

1:03:31 Adam The Ranchero music overtook her. It's an emotional music. Very much so.

1:03:35 Andy Dick You just overcome.

1:03:36 Adam You're overcome. You really are. Yeah. I remember at the end of A Love Story, I think they played that. Love Story?

1:03:45 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:03:45 Adam Or Ryan O'Neil.

1:03:46 Andy Dick Oh, and what's her name? Bob Evans, girl. Wife.

1:03:51 Adam The name Bob Evans gets ink. Yeah, Ally?

1:03:55 Andy Dick Ally McGrath.

1:03:56 Adam Ally McGrath.

1:03:57 Andy Dick Yeah. Well, the Ranchero music played throughout. Yeah, but during the climactic scene. No, no, he's sitting in the snow by himself.

1:04:04 Adam He's in the snow. He's thinking about her. And they're disappointed. Right.

1:04:12 Caller Yeah.

1:04:12 Andy Dick Well, yeah, Northeast New England.

1:04:13 Adam This is characteristic music in the winter.

1:04:15 Drew Again. My vagina is bleeding.

1:04:19 Caller Yeah.

1:04:19 Drew You're 22?

1:04:21 Adam Yeah. You're 22? Yeah.

1:04:22 Drew It's too big for my vagina.

1:04:24 Adam You have a question for Andy?

1:04:26 Caller Yeah, I certainly do. How are you guys doing?

1:04:27 Adam Great.

1:04:28 Drew God, I hate this.

1:04:29 Caller Great. How's it going, Dick?

1:04:31 Drew It's awesome. I'm happy.

1:04:33 Adam Are you happy?

1:04:36 Caller Andy, I have a question for you.

1:04:37 Drew Oh, God. Is it nice?

1:04:39 Adam Are you having fun with it?

1:04:41 Caller It's a serious question.

1:04:42 Drew Okay.

1:04:42 Caller Looking in hindsight, would you have done the drug use again, or would you have left that part out of your life?

1:04:49 Drew No, that's a really actually a very good question. It's a good question. There are many, many days where I highly regret the amount of drugs and how often I did drugs and when I did them at some time. I remember doing, here's an example, I remember doing a reading of a movie called Michelle and Romy's High School Reunion. I was going to be in that movie. Everyone else who was at the reading was in it.

1:05:19 Adam Lisa Kudrow.

1:05:20 Drew Everyone else at the reading was in it. I was that guy, it was a big actor they got, came down in the helicopter at the end.

1:05:29 Adam Didn't see the movie.

1:05:31 Drew It's actually a good movie. Lisa Kudrow is really, if you want to see some good acting, Lisa Kudrow is really good in it. I really like her as an actress. Okay, so anyways, I don't know, I had a hard night the night before or whatever and the next day. Come on, Anderson, my point is, I took like a Valium or something like that, or more than that, more than one. I don't even, I really don't remember, but I do remember feeling out of it and turning to Lisa and saying, boy, the Valium is really kicking in at this point, like right before the reading.

1:06:07 Adam And that's just like, could have got the job.

1:06:10 Drew Well, people look at you like, God, what a pathetic, moronic loser. Why is he here with us, you know, and I didn't get the job?

1:06:19 Andy Dick I have people that say that for the period of life, sometimes when they were using it was life-saving.

1:06:24 Drew Yes. And that's the other side to it. There's a dichotomy. I honestly might not be alive had it not been for the drugs, because I used to call it my medicine, and daddy needs his baba. But then sometimes it stops working.

1:06:43 Andy Dick Well then the disease kicks in.

1:06:45 Drew Right.

1:06:45 Adam Alright, let's take a...

1:06:47 Drew No, but that's a very... I didn't really answer. Would I go back? No, because it's impossible to answer. I can't look back and say, you know what, I wish I could relive my life and never do drugs because I'll tell you, I got into the second city because I drank three to five margaritas. I was very loose. I was very happy. I was very excitable. Margaritas are a different kind of drunk. They give you a little...

1:07:10 Caller Let me tell you what kind of music goes...

1:07:11 Drew It's like shoving 20 Mexican jumping beans up your butt.

1:07:14 Adam Let me tell you what kind of music goes nicely with the margarita.

1:07:17 Drew Do it.

1:07:17 Adam I'll tell you what, Anderson.

1:07:21 Andy Dick What was that?

1:07:22 Drew He's trying to find it. Anderson's trying to find it on the radio. My vagina, so I would say that I can't go back and change anything.

1:07:34 Andy Dick It's unanswerable.

1:07:35 Drew It's unanswerable. I would not change anything because I like where I'm at today. I like where I'm at today. I like the fact that I'm alive. I like the fact that I've been through some hard times in my life that I can reach out to another person and help them.

1:07:49 Adam God bless you. Andy Dick, everybody, in studio tonight, reaching out, helping. You can reach out and help Andy by watching the Less Than Perfect on ABC.

1:08:00 Drew It doesn't help me.

1:08:01 Andy Dick And get his new K-Tail hit.

1:08:02 Drew It doesn't help me.

1:08:02 Adam Yeah. Go out and pick up his new 45, by the way.

1:08:06 Drew In stores at Thanksgiving.

1:08:07 Adam It's got a new single out.

1:08:08 Drew By Thanksgiving.

1:08:09 Andy Dick Ranchero.

1:08:10 Drew It's a Ranchero.

1:08:11 Andy Dick Andy Sings Ranchero.

1:08:11 Drew Andy Sings Ranchero. The number one hit is My Vagina is Bleeding. It's great.

1:08:18 Adam All right. Thank you. Let's take a little break. We'll be right back after this. Perfect. Dear, dear, dear friend Andy Dick in the studio tonight.

1:08:54 Drew God bless you.

1:08:55 Adam Andy's a guy who's, I don't know, I think the perception is crazy, out of control, but a sweet, sweet person, open book.

1:09:05 Andy Dick Sweet spirit.

1:09:05 Adam Sweet spirit, open book, and ultimately a very likable guy.

1:09:09 Drew Yeah, crazy like a fox.

1:09:11 Adam Probably gets away with more than he should because he's so likable.

1:09:15 Andy Dick Yeah?

1:09:15 Yeah.

1:09:16 Drew Yes.

1:09:17 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:09:18 Yes.

1:09:18 Andy Dick But he struggles.

1:09:19 Adam He struggles.

1:09:20 Drew Struggle in my own head.

1:09:21 Adam Are you having a good time?

1:09:22 Drew Are you happy? This is what I get a lot, is everything okay?

1:09:27 Andy Dick That's the one you get. Are you okay?

1:09:29 Drew And my friends get it, how's Andy doing? Like I'm a retard.

1:09:35 Adam It's a little twist on the art. It's, are you okay? Can we not get you something? You know, because with Andy, you don't want.

1:09:42 Drew Can we not get you something? Yeah, you having fun? God, so many times I've had to just sneak drinking. Cause I want to have fun like the next guy. And I want to just have a beer sometimes. But I can't ever do anything of the sort. No such thing for Mr. Dickman.

1:10:03 Adam That's right.

1:10:04 Drew So how many, I have to, if I ever drink.

1:10:06 Andy Dick We know what happens though. You know what happens too.

1:10:08 Drew I think I've snuck drinks on this show.

1:10:10 Adam Is that a pressure? Is that a pressure?

1:10:13 Drew Not tonight.

1:10:13 Adam You got into your Boda bag, Drew. Is there a thing where Andy, because he's an alcohol, because he's an addict, cannot touch?

1:10:22 Andy Dick You tell him. You tell yours, Kevin.

1:10:23 Adam Alcohol?

1:10:24 Drew No, sometimes I can manage it.

1:10:27 Adam Now what happens, but what happens if you start chipping away with the alcohol?

1:10:32 Drew What happens? Ultimately for me, it always does spiral down.

1:10:35 Adam You get effed up and then you go get some Coke, right?

1:10:37 Drew Usually I almost always wind up looking for some other hardcore drug, usually. But if I try really hard and grit my teeth, grind them, and grip onto the table, and they call it white knuckling if you're trying to stay sober, but if I really try to just have one to five glasses of wine at dinner, look, I'm done, I had five, let's go. I'm gonna go home and go to bed now.

1:11:03 Adam Really?

1:11:04 Drew It's a good time. Yeah, it's like really hard.

1:11:05 Adam What about pot? Because let me just say this, and you tell me, here's the thing about booze, when you get drunk, it sort of makes you wanna do things you really shouldn't do. Like you go, okay, I wanna order a pizza, I wanna get a hooker, I wanna get some stump porn, I gotta do something, I gotta get an eight ball, we gotta keep the night going. You start going down a sort of negative, scary, thrill-packed road.

1:11:27 Drew After a certain amount of, yeah.

1:11:28 Adam Booze does it to you. Weed is a little more like, jeez, I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna drive, I don't wanna get busted, I'm gonna hang in, I'm gonna eat. Right, right, so can you smoke weed?

1:11:41 Drew Yeah, I mean, I can do all of it.

1:11:43 Adam No, I know.

1:11:43 Drew I'm still alive.

1:11:44 Adam I know, but I mean.

1:11:45 Drew I'm still alive.

1:11:46 Adam What I'm just curious about is, if you smoke the joint and you're at home, would you be as apt to wanna go out and get some Coke as if you were drunk?

1:11:54 Drew Well, I would probably want to go get some beer.

1:11:57 Adam Oh, and then. Interesting.

1:12:01 Andy Dick Well, the other thing, there would not be just getting high today.

1:12:05 Drew Right.

1:12:09 Andy Dick Turn the rock.

1:12:09 Adam All right, Drew, get on the mic there, buddy. Wake up, sweetie. All right, let's go. All right, go, but, okay, but good times.

1:12:16 Drew Yeah.

1:12:16 Adam But are you happy?

1:12:18 Drew How you doing?

1:12:19 Adam How you doing?

1:12:19 Caller You okay?

1:12:20 Andy Dick I'm struggling with his medicine, which he takes it only at night.

1:12:23 Drew Can we not drink a little booze at night? I never took any medication, by the way. You know that, right? That's good. Oh, yeah, cause you know what? If I'm gonna do drugs, I wanna get high.

1:12:33 Andy Dick You wanna do the dangerous ones.

1:12:34 Drew Yeah, I wanna have fun. The horrible ones.

1:12:36 Adam Anybody's a temple. Travis?

1:12:39 Yeah.

1:12:40 Adam What's up?

1:12:43 Well, one day I was masturbating. This was about when I was 16. And I pinched it off cause they wanted to go everywhere. And it's hurt ever since. Not every time I pee, but most of the time.

1:12:55 Liar, liar whore, liar whore, you know it.

1:12:57 Andy Dick That actually happens, Anderson. Sorry about that.

1:12:59 Drew But is that gonna go away for him? That's horrible.

1:13:01 Andy Dick That's good, but you can cause problems with the urethra and the sphincter can dysfunction. There can be a lot of little things that can go wrong with that. If it really keeps hurting when you urinate, you need to see a urologist. It's probably gonna be no big deal. But you can cause some problems with that.

1:13:16 Drew That sounds absolutely horrible.

1:13:18 Adam Yeah.

1:13:18 Drew Did it balloon up like?

1:13:20 Andy Dick It's like trying not to vomit when you're mid vomit.

1:13:23 Drew Or stifling a sneeze, which is not good.

1:13:25 Adam If I pinched it off at orgasm, I'd have like a detached retina. It wouldn't even be the penis that was hurt by. Eyeball.

1:13:32 Andy Dick We can be like one of those little squirty dolls with the.

1:13:34 Drew Bone.

1:13:35 Adam Talking about ear bleeding. And I would run out of the house, like you know when a dog's gonna vomit? And you just pick it up and you start running for the front door. I would do that with my sack. Just up, up, up, right into the planter box.

1:13:52 I actually, I have been an urologist and you said that I have prostateitis or something like that.

1:13:57 Andy Dick Yeah, you inflamed the prostate, sure.

1:13:58 Adam But for four years?

1:14:00 Oh, yeah, I actually didn't have any. Until just now, I just started working at Safeway, so I got here.

1:14:05 Andy Dick Let me get this straight, you did this four years ago?

1:14:06 Adam No, he did this when he was 16. Come on, Drew, you gotta listen.

1:14:09 Drew One time or did you do it many times?

1:14:12 Adam One time.

1:14:12 It was just one time, but it's hurt ever since. Not every time and not every time I have sex.

1:14:17 Drew Where were you that you, I have to ask one question. Where were you that you didn't wanna get it on all over the place? What was it, where were you?

1:14:24 Adam It was at a chambering.

1:14:25 My homework on my desk.

1:14:27 Andy Dick Homework.

1:14:28 Drew Oh, and you were standing over it?

1:14:30 Adam You're beating off on like we the people or?

1:14:34 Andy Dick He just took a break from his homework.

1:14:35 Drew Oh, because he was sitting at his desk and he's a shooter, he's a shooter.

1:14:39 Adam Is he? Well, I guess. All right, hold on. Travis, you couldn't avoid your homework?

1:14:46 No, but now since then I just let it go all over the place.

1:14:52 Andy Dick Travis, but you said it hurts when you pee. Is that what you said? Yeah, not every time, but pretty much most of the time. But then you switch that to it hurts when I ejaculate.

1:15:03 No, it doesn't hurt when I ejaculate, it hurts afterwards. It's just when I pee. It doesn't hurt when I ejaculate. I notice it's hard to get an erection sometimes or like hard to keep it hard. And I was wondering if it would affect my growth at all.

1:15:20 Adam Your growth?

1:15:20 I had self-conscience there.

1:15:22 Adam Hey, well, are you sure?

1:15:23 Andy Dick No.

1:15:23 Adam Uh-oh, small penis.

1:15:24 Andy Dick No, no, no, no, no. But you may need something called a cystoscopy where they kind of look up there and see how the urethral tract is doing.

1:15:30 Drew Oh, that's horrible. It's probably not gonna be growing anymore, right?

1:15:33 Andy Dick At 20, maybe one more year. But if you have erectile dysfunction, maybe you can yell something out.

1:15:40 Adam No, he wasn't gonna yell something out. He had a question. Travis, did you have more question?

1:15:46 Caller Yeah, just one more. Is there like a valve down there or something? Because I heard there's like a valve.

1:15:50 Andy Dick Yeah, there is and that can dysfunction. You can get little irregularities in the surface of the urethra too.

1:15:54 Adam All right. Let's listen. Let's start focusing, Drew. Let's go. Let's break it down, buddy. Didn't hear half that guy's question. Let's go, Andy. Let's go. We got a show to do, everybody. All right. We're gonna take one more call and then it's time for round three of Ace's Mexican Ranchero recording countdown.

1:16:11 Andy Dick We could do a Germany or Florida friend.

1:16:12 Adam Ooh, a little about of Germany or Florida would be fun too. Oh yeah, yeah.

1:16:16 Drew I played that. I like that one.

1:16:17 Adam Yeah, yeah. See how you do sober. All right. So let's get to Lauren. Lauren is 19 years of age. Well? You want to donate an egg to make some money for your tuition?

1:16:32 Caller Yes, I do.

1:16:33 Adam All right.

1:16:33 Caller I'm thinking about it. All right. But I was wondering if there's any like medical repercussions like for me later on or?

1:16:43 Adam Before we get to the boring stuff, let's try to see if we can fix a price on this egg.

1:16:47 Drew Yeah, that's what I was wondering. How much is it?

1:16:50 Adam Well, they vary.

1:16:51 Drew How much do they go for?

1:16:52 Adam They vary.

1:16:53 Caller They start, the one place I'm talking to starts at $5,000.

1:16:57 Andy Dick Per egg or per harvest?

1:16:59 Caller Per, it says, I don't know, either per egg or per harvest.

1:17:04 Caller Probably harvest, but if you are compatible with people like depending on what you look like and your SAT scores and like that kind of thing, you get more money.

1:17:14 Adam Yeah, I know this. So let's talk about you and try to set a price.

1:17:22 Drew How tall are you? Would my sperm go for a lot of money? Because I'll look into that because I'm me.

1:17:28 Adam Yeah, I'll tell you, Andy Dick's sperm could fetch a pretty penny on the Asian market. They have quite a taste for the macabre over there.

1:17:37 Drew I'm thinking for the macabre.

1:17:42 Adam Andy Dick charge fin soup.

1:17:45 Drew I'll go out there and just set up a stand saying, Andy Dick juice, five grand a cup.

1:17:49 Adam Oh, yeah, no.

1:17:50 Drew Five grand a shot. I don't care if you drink it or get pregnant by it.

1:17:54 Andy Dick Bear pancreas chaser.

1:17:55 Adam Yeah, all right, Andy, it's not all about your seed. Let's talk to Lauren.

1:17:59 Drew Andy Dick juice, five grand a pop.

1:18:02 Adam All right, so let's see if we can work the price here. It's, we'll just start at five grand. I'll tell you what, let's start at 10 grand.

1:18:10 Drew Well, my price just went up then.

1:18:12 Adam 10 grand, now.

1:18:14 Andy Dick What's your SAT score?

1:18:15 Adam Hold on, you're five, two, right?

1:18:19 Drew I'm five, 10, and I'm blonde.

1:18:21 Andy Dick Lauren.

1:18:22 Adam Lauren, can she hear us now? Did she drop off?

1:18:27 Andy Dick Call her, goes by Lauren. There she goes.

1:18:29 Drew Lauren.

1:18:31 Adam I think she just hung up.

1:18:32 Andy Dick Weird.

1:18:32 Drew She's mad.

1:18:33 Andy Dick How dare she?

1:18:34 Adam All right, let's just make sure.

1:18:35 Drew She's mad, cause I'm.

1:18:36 Adam Lauren, you're gone?

1:18:38 Andy Dick I think she knew it was coming.

1:18:39 Adam She knew it was coming, but here's the old problem. Half these women that want to sell their eggs are trolls who have GEDs and have a problem with chewing tobacco consumption. And they're like, look, listen, Elvira, nobody wants that dumb seed of yours. No one wants that stupid egg. It's not worth anything. Remember, if you started waving around, I would run.

1:19:04 Andy Dick I think that's what they say when they do the induction interview.

1:19:07 Adam Yeah, all right.

1:19:09 Andy Dick But here's the deal. They do have to over-stimulate the ovaries. You can outstrip the ovaries blood supply. They can die. There's concerns that it may increase the risk of ovarian cancer later in life, affect fertility. It's a procedure you have to go through in terms of harvesting the eggs. It's not without risk. So yeah, you are absolutely putting yourself in harm's way. But if it's worth it to you, there you go.

1:19:28 Drew But my sperm stays alive in a Dixie cup for months.

1:19:32 Adam Absolutely.

1:19:32 Andy Dick Months.

1:19:33 Adam I've tested it.

1:19:34 Drew Kept at the right temperature.

1:19:36 Andy Dick Close.

1:19:36 Drew It stays, well.

1:19:37 Adam All right, let's talk to what, let's hold on. Let's talk to David here for a second, who thinks we're discriminating against Mexicans by doing Ace's Mexican accordion, Ranchero.

1:19:48 Drew Even my hit song?

1:19:50 Adam Yeah, what about Andy's hit song, David?

1:19:51 Drew My vagina is bleeding.

1:19:54 Your vagina is bleeding.

1:19:55 Drew What now?

1:19:56 Your vagina is bleeding.

1:19:57 Drew How does that discriminate?

1:19:58 I understand that.

1:19:59 Adam David, go ahead. And then we're gonna ask you to play the game with us.

1:20:03 All right, I'll be honored to play the game with you. I just feel it's wrong, you know? I mean, Mexicans come straight from Mexico, probably border jumpers, wherever they are. But they try their hardest. They go out, make a few million dollars. Same thing as the music industry. I've been playing music for three or four years right now.

1:20:20 Adam What do you play?

1:20:20 All around the world, all around everywhere. I've been playing gigs and stuff like that, but it's no big deal.

1:20:24 Adam Do you hold on a second? Quiet down, do you play ranchero music?

1:20:29 No, no, no, no, I play rock.

1:20:30 Adam Oh, you play rock.

1:20:31 Drew But we like ranchero music, we're not kidding.

1:20:34 Adam Yeah, we're big fans.

1:20:36 Drew And the program director is Hispanic.

1:20:39 So my vagina is bleeding as a big fan of...

1:20:41 Caller My vagina is bleeding.

1:20:44 Adam Yeah, no, I gotta be honest with you, the music blows.

1:20:48 Caller It sucks.

1:20:49 Drew Well, I like it.

1:20:49 Adam And look, I'll tell you what else blows.

1:20:51 Drew I like it, that's why I wrote lyrics.

1:20:53 Adam Flan blows too, for the most part.

1:20:54 Any typical white person would say the music will blow. I honestly agree with you. You're coming from Mexicans' point of view.

1:21:02 Caller The bitch.

1:21:04 Adam All right, all right, look, here's what I'm saying.

1:21:07 Caller It's just discrimination towards Mexicans. No, please.

1:21:10 Adam I don't want to be that even handed about anything. There's certain things in certain cultures that suck. Certain foods, certain music, certain things. Now there's certain things that you guys nail on the head. The aforementioned Margarita is one thing that... Ceviche, I do a nice job with too. The Ranchero music, well, you dropped a ball on that one. That's fine. I think it's discrimination not to say when other things suck, by the way. Because then what you get there is you just have people that are patronizing. All right.

1:21:41 Caller But from the music that's going on right now, like the killers, somebody told me you have a boy, what the hell is that? I mean, you got that and you got Ranchero music.

1:21:48 Adam Yeah, you're right. We don't like those guys either.

1:21:50 Andy Dick I like the killers.

1:21:51 Adam Oh, we like the killers? Oh no, we're thinking of the darkness. We don't like those eight holes.

1:21:55 Caller The darkness, the darkness blow.

1:21:57 Adam Yeah, they blow. They're gone.

1:21:58 Drew How dare David say that? I'm very offended.

1:22:00 Andy Dick You are? The darkness? Oh yeah, because Anderson's a white guy.

1:22:04 Adam All right, so listen, let you just play along with us, David.

1:22:07 Drew Sharing is good, but not when it's with needles, because then the only thing positive is your HIV test. I kind of chimed in with myself there.

1:22:17 Adam All right, David, get off your high horse for a second and play Ace's Mexican Ranchero, According Countdown.

1:22:23 Drew All right.

1:22:24 Adam Freestyle towards it, then. Pick a number. What do you think? Seven seconds, seven seconds. I'm gonna put a D next. Okay, Andy, what do you got?

1:22:35 Drew I'm looking at her. Do you know? Does she know? See, she doesn't even know.

1:22:38 Adam Michelle doesn't know.

1:22:38 Drew And by the way, the program director is Hispanic. She's picking the music.

1:22:42 Adam Yes, she is.

1:22:43 Drew He has to know that.

1:22:44 Adam No, okay.

1:22:45 Drew Okay, I, five.

1:22:46 Adam Five seconds. Drew, what do you got?

1:22:48 Andy Dick Four.

1:22:49 Adam Four? Oh, you're going down. I'm going up, then. I'm going eight.

1:22:52 Andy Dick Perfect.

1:22:53 Drew And what about our friend on the phone who hates us?

1:22:55 Adam He picked seven.

1:22:56 Drew Oh, good, oh, good, he's playing.

1:22:58 Adam All right, now.

1:22:58 Drew See, we're just having fun.

1:22:59 Adam And we're healing.

1:23:00 Drew We're just having fun.

1:23:01 Adam Now, hold on a second. Andy.

1:23:02 Drew Yes, sir. Oh, thanks, thanks. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

1:23:06 Adam All right, quiet down. All right, now. You ready there? I'll cue you in five, four, three, two, one. It was two seconds. Two seconds. Two seconds. A lifetime. So I won.

1:23:22 Drew I won.

1:23:23 Adam By the way.

1:23:23 Andy Dick I thought I was the lowest.

1:23:25 Adam Lifetime in the... I picked five. You picked five, you picked four.

1:23:29 Drew You picked four.

1:23:29 Adam I'm sorry. I'm so, are this, play it, turn it up just a little bit. David.

1:23:34 Drew Oh, wait a minute.

1:23:35 Adam Where's David?

1:23:36 Drew Wait a minute.

1:23:36 Adam David.

1:23:38 Drew This is the same...

1:23:39 Adam I'm sorry. You're, you're off by... You're off by an eternity in the life of a Ranchero accordion player. Three and a half seconds. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, buddy. I, I missed that one too. Drew hit it right on the head, though.

1:23:55 Caller Drew, you know, Drew knows what he's doing, you know?

1:23:57 Andy Dick I know that Ranchero music.

1:23:59 Adam Thanks, David. Anyway, we love all people from all places. All right, should we, should we take a little break?

1:24:05 Andy Dick No, I was at, I was high horse came by.

1:24:07 Adam That's Drew's high horse.

1:24:08 Andy Dick That's David's high horse.

1:24:09 Adam All right, so Drew, you're off for just one second, right?

1:24:11 Andy Dick That's pretty good.

1:24:12 Adam Not bad. All right, Andy Dick in the studio tonight, TGIFNF, Friday Nights on ABC 930. We'll Less Than Perfect, take a quick break. Hey everybody, the Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, Andy Dick in the studio, the great Andy Dick.

1:24:37 Drew I love Modest Mouths.

1:24:41 Adam Sober and still as funny as ever.

1:24:45 Drew Thank you.

1:24:45 Adam Yeah?

1:24:46 Drew Maybe, sometimes, sometimes.

1:24:48 Adam Wow, reflective Andy Dick in studio tonight. Let me tell you a little something called Less Than Perfect on ABC 930 on Friday nights. We're gonna get back to the phones and see what we can do to help the kitties because I know Andy loves the kitties.

1:25:03 Drew I do like to help them out.

1:25:05 Adam Now Lauren, Lauren is 19 and she's back. We got cut off with her. I think she's married or at least dating the jailbird. Lauren?

1:25:16 Caller No, I'm not dating the jailbird, I'm the egg girl.

1:25:18 Adam Oh, you're the egg girl, sorry.

1:25:20 Drew We wouldn't want the jailbird.

1:25:22 Caller I can't afford a land line, so I have to deal with the cell phone.

1:25:25 Adam All right, so she wants to sell an egg.

1:25:27 Andy Dick Well, you were gonna price her egg.

1:25:28 Adam I'm gonna price her egg. I'll start at five grand. All right, let me just ask some important questions, Lauren.

1:25:34 Drew My sperm went up to 10 grand. Andy's is up and I got a shot of my juice, Andy Dick juice in a Dixie cup and buy it quick because if it sits down in the sun too long, it goes bad.

1:25:46 Adam It's not a great vintage though this year, Drew.

1:25:49 Andy Dick Bad year for jizz.

1:25:51 Adam Yeah, yeah. Last year was assertive without being pushy, had sort of a dry nutty.

1:25:56 Andy Dick Scervish.

1:25:57 Adam Taste to it. If you like an oaky taste.

1:25:59 Andy Dick A little blackberry.

1:26:00 Adam It was good, blackberry and oak, it was good. This year, it's a little acidic, yeah. Maybe it's the raw food. Lauren. $5,000. Now, you're how tall? Five foot two, all right. So we're down to $3,500.

1:26:20 Drew I was gonna say knock a few off.

1:26:21 Adam We knocked a few off. How much do you weigh?

1:26:25 Caller Like 120.

1:26:27 Adam 120. Like 120 or?

1:26:30 Caller I'm only 125, it fluctuates, I'm in college.

1:26:34 Adam Ooh, fluctuating. I'll tell you what.

1:26:36 Drew You can go up to four grams.

1:26:37 Adam Five two and 125 means five one and change to 135. It's a little bit hippie. I'm gonna go ahead and deduct 400 for that. We're at $3,100 now.

1:26:48 Andy Dick What are you majoring in?

1:26:49 Caller Chemistry and bio, pre-med.

1:26:52 Adam Oh, pre-med, pre-med, all right.

1:26:54 Andy Dick Where are you going to school? Yeah, keep it going.

1:26:57 Adam UCR, good school? All right, we're at $4,600.

1:27:00 Andy Dick What was your SAT score?

1:27:05 Adam Almost 1,500, wow, we're now at $6,300 in climate.

1:27:11 Andy Dick Hair color? Brown. Eye color?

1:27:16 Adam Sorry.

1:27:17 Drew I'm blonde, blue eyes.

1:27:18 Adam Sorry, we gotta deduct a little bit for that because let's face it.

1:27:22 Andy Dick 11 bucks, 11 bucks.

1:27:23 Adam No, no, the desirables are the blondes with the blue eyes, I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't that way.

1:27:29 Drew I'm at $1250 for a simple cup of my Andy Dick juice.

1:27:33 Andy Dick Yeah, it's a bad year though. Thimbleful.

1:27:35 Adam Thimbleful. No.

1:27:36 Andy Dick We'll have to go to the caves again.

1:27:38 Drew I'll fill that cup from here.

1:27:40 Adam Worth six grand. Lauren. Yeah. What about cup size, speaking of cups? Your bra? See. See? All right, we'll move it up to $600, $500. How are your teeth? Are they straight?

1:27:57 Caller Yeah, no braces, no braces, nothing.

1:27:59 Adam No braces and straight.

1:28:00 Drew Would you consider yourself beautiful, okay, or ugly?

1:28:05 Caller Better than average, I guess.

1:28:07 Andy Dick Any family history of medical illnesses?

1:28:09 Caller None. I had all timers on one side, way back.

1:28:13 Adam Yeah, but they, like, grandpa.

1:28:15 Drew But all the old ones get them.

1:28:16 Andy Dick How old was your grandfather when he developed it?

1:28:19 Drew Like, 99.

1:28:20 Caller Something, 65. They said it was from his job, though. He worked under magnetic fields and stuff, and a lot of people also did.

1:28:27 Adam I'm gonna play it safe, it's still the Duck 250, but I'm giving you higher marks for straight teeth and gums are in good shape? All right, so we're now at $6,850.

1:28:40 Andy Dick That's good.

1:28:40 Adam It's not a bad price, not a bad price at all.

1:28:44 Andy Dick So, but did you hear me talk about the fact that there are some medical risks with this? Yeah.

1:28:49 Drew I dumped mine, I had no takers, I dumped mine out.

1:28:52 Andy Dick They probably, well, he did-

1:28:53 Drew I dumped my sperm on the sidewalk.

1:28:54 Andy Dick He did rambalage for a couple years, tried to get some fizzy, but no.

1:28:56 Adam It's too bad, if you would have hung out long enough for Jed to fish to get here, you probably could find a taker. All right. You know what I'm saying, Drew? You know what I'm saying.

1:29:08 Drew Hey, is he a little light in the livers? Is he a little fruit cup?

1:29:11 Adam Maybe one of them. All right, Drew, what are you saying? Should we take another call?

1:29:16 Drew I'm gonna wait.

1:29:17 Andy Dick Sure, Lauren's still talking to us.

1:29:19 Drew Well, let me hear a good call. I want a juicy one. I want as juicy as a cup of my Andy Dick juice.

1:29:24 Adam All right, so you told her the risk. All right, let's see. Who do you want, Drew? Fiance won't give her oral? Let's talk to her. No. Ann?

1:29:34 Andy Dick Yeah?

1:29:34 Adam You're 20?

1:29:35 Andy Dick Yep.

1:29:35 Adam Your fiancee won't give you oral sex?

1:29:38 Andy Dick Yep.

1:29:38 Adam Why does he say he won't do that?

1:29:41 Well, he's had a bunch of crazy exes and we've been together for way over a year now and I've done everything he wants to do and he says that he's just not comfortable because he doesn't, he wants to know that he can completely trust me and he's saving that part.

1:29:58 Andy Dick What is it? That's a bunch of BS. He's high. Yeah, that's all BS.

1:30:01 Adam He just doesn't want to do it.

1:30:02 Andy Dick Yeah, this business, what it was crazy exes have to do with anything.

1:30:05 I don't know, dude. I mean, he like, just, I don't know. I just don't think it's fair. I'm getting frustrated.

1:30:10 Andy Dick You have a crazy boyfriend.

1:30:12 Adam This is your fiancee?

1:30:14 Yeah.

1:30:14 Adam Don't marry him. I don't care how great he is everywhere else, but in the sack, don't marry him.

1:30:20 Drew Marry him.

1:30:21 Andy Dick The fact that he's not willing.

1:30:23 Drew Marry a maglite.

1:30:25 Andy Dick But the fact that he won't do something that's important for you and then gives you sort of lying, obfuscating answers, just.

1:30:31 Yeah, I mean, but everything else between us is great.

1:30:34 Andy Dick Well, then he needs to kind of get over it. If he's disgusted and can't handle it and this kind of stuff, then he's.

1:30:40 I just don't know if he has an issue. Or I honestly, I.

1:30:43 Andy Dick And he has an issue. He has an issue.

1:30:45 He has, but. For some reason I have a fear that he's never done it and maybe he's afraid of it.

1:30:51 Andy Dick It's something like that. It is something like that.

1:30:54 Or that he's, you know, I mean, I take care of myself. So I know that's not a problem, you know?

1:30:59 Adam Yeah, it's just good hygiene down there.

1:31:01 Andy Dick Right, right, got it.

1:31:02 Adam Okay, take yourself down to the coin up car wash every once in a while. Gets that thing with the high pressure and the brush.

1:31:08 So I don't want to, you know, I mean, I'm sure he has, but part of me is like, I wonder if he hasn't.

1:31:13 Adam Ann, Ann, Ann, Ann.

1:31:14 Andy Dick Assume he hasn't. He's so weird about it, assume he hasn't.

1:31:16 Adam And let me just say a couple of things.

1:31:18 Drew Is your vagina bleeding?

1:31:19 Andy Dick No, it's fine. She's fine.

1:31:20 Adam You're not supposed to, how dare you?

1:31:22 Drew Okay, okay, don't get defensive.

1:31:23 Andy Dick Let me sing it to her.

1:31:24 Drew Mine is and I'm fine with it.

1:31:27 Adam You guys should not even be thinking about going steady, much less getting married, for Christ's sake. You sound like you're 14. You can't talk to him about anything. You're sitting here fantasizing about why it is you can't.

1:31:41 Caller I've talked to him about it several times and he just says that he knows that that's important and he's fearful of it. That's my straight up opinion. And I've asked him, I've confronted him and he always backs away from it.

1:31:53 Drew I have an idea. You say, I think something crawled up there and when he goes down to look at it, you just hold his, you just put his head right down in there and just move around.

1:32:02 Adam Yeah, he's not going in. It's not like it's in Vietnam and he's going down to the caves or something. 45 and a flashlight. All right. Don't marry him, don't marry him. Until he does.

1:32:15 Andy Dick We're concerned.

1:32:16 Adam All right, we're concerned. We'll take a quick break, we'll be right back after this.

1:32:19 Andy Dick Quick.

1:32:19 Drew His voice.

1:32:25 Three, two, one, go.

1:32:27 Adam Yeah, well that's it. I wanna thank the great and sober Andy Dick for coming in the studio tonight.

1:32:32 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

1:32:34 Drew God bless both of you.

1:32:35 Adam Bless and Perfect, ABC, Friday night, 9.30.

1:32:38 Drew It's a fun show.

1:32:39 Adam God bless you, Andy Dick. Thanks for coming in and good luck with the sobriety.

1:32:44 Drew Thank you.

1:32:45 Adam We'll see you as soon as we can. Anthony Kitas from Red Hot Chili Peppers in tomorrow night and until next time, I'm Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:32:56 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, November 3, 2004