Episode 1000655739238

14:10 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

14:17 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

14:20 Voiceover Listening discretion is advised.

14:22 Voiceover Listening discretion is advised.

14:23 Voiceover Listening discretion is advised.

14:26 Voiceover This is Loveline.

14:33 Adam Everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LLVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist, the great and sober Andy Dick in studio tonight, everybody. A new lease on life Andy has. Oh, yes.

14:49 Drew Every three and a half months.

14:50 Adam You get a new lease on life.

14:52 Drew I press the restart button.

14:53 Adam He's renting to own everybody.

14:59 Andy Dick He's eating like rabbit pellets.

15:00 Adam He's eating raw food.

15:02 Drew I eat raw food now.

15:03 Adam You're on raw food?

15:04 Drew All raw food.

15:05 Adam Well, I know, but I look, I never wanted to say anything, but your morbid obesity has gotten out of hand.

15:10 Drew It's not about that.

15:11 Adam Collecting your chins only nine feet deep. That's good for your skin.

15:14 Drew No, I'm trying to say my brain.

15:16 Adam Oh, your brain.

15:16 Drew Yeah, it's good for my brain.

15:19 Adam Well, perhaps the copious amounts of drugs you've done in the past has done some damage, yes?

15:24 Drew Yes.

15:25 Adam You think so?

15:25 Drew I'm trying to clear that. I do think so.

15:27 Adam Let me say this though, Drew.

15:28 Drew Bodily and brainily.

15:30 Adam But let me say this, and I believe this, and Andy, you chime in.

15:35 Drew I will. Why?

15:35 Adam I grew up sort of thinking, well, you are what you eat, and if you do drugs, you're gonna be a vegetable, or you're not gonna be able to form a sentence. And I realized nothing trumps a good hand dealt to you. Like, if you have nice skin, it's really hard to eff it up. All the chocolate, all the grease, all the poor hygiene habits. If you have really nice skin, almost impossible to eff it up. If you have a razor sharp brain like Mr. Dick does over here, and you're quick with the synapses, it's really difficult, even with the tons, I mean the bushels of pot he smoked, the kilos of cocaine, all the drugs. Still fairly sharp, much sharper than your average guy, even in the throes of the drug addiction.

16:24 Drew Yeah, even when I'm on them.

16:25 Andy Dick But much of the drugs of addiction, alcohol is really the only one that causes cognition changes. The rest of them cause mood problems and maybe even some memory problems. But the one that actually creates a change in your thinking, your intellect, that's alcohol. Sorry. That's your medicine.

16:38 Adam That's my medicine. That's my medicine.

16:39 Andy Dick But for him.

16:40 Adam How many times do I say that?

16:41 Andy Dick It's your medicine.

16:42 Drew So alcohol is the one that really alters your brain chemistry.

16:44 Andy Dick And it's the one that could, it's a direct poison to all brain tissues. So it destroys globally, while amphetamines destroy the mood centers.

16:51 Adam What about all the historically great geniuses that were horrible alcoholics?

16:55 Drew Would have been greater, right?

16:58 Andy Dick Yeah, how many way lived till what, 60?

17:00 Adam 19. No, but here, well, he killed himself, didn't he?

17:03 Andy Dick It was all part of alcoholism.

17:04 Adam All right, but here's my point, as I was saying to Dr. Drew last night too. I mean, I did the Best Damn Sports Show last week with Thomas Hollywood Henderson, who was a name from the past. He was with the Dallas Cowboys when they won a couple of Super Bowls. He was all pro defensive, wide, he was a defensive outside linebacker, he used to go to the Pro Bowl and everything, he used to run circles around everyone, was high on Coke the entire time, never worked out once.

17:32 Andy Dick Really?

17:33 Adam Yeah, and Lawrence Taylor now, the more you look into Lawrence Taylor, arguably the greatest defensive player to ever go out on a football field, just did mounds of Coke and never really worked out. It was hung over night before, out banging hookers and doing pounds of Coke.

17:50 Drew And there are artists like that, and I mean like actors and musicians that do so many drugs and drink so much. I have experimented with drugs and alcohol.

17:59 Adam Have you?

18:00 Drew Well, I mean, I'm talking about performing. I've performed in front of the camera or live on stage on almost every combination you can imagine as an experiment on myself and I'm the guinea pig.

18:10 Adam Yeah, yourself and everyone who has to work with you.

18:13 Drew Sometimes I'm the only one laughing, but it's a real good show, one man show for me to watch.

18:18 Adam All right, so I've always been interested in that because I'm scared, I don't mind having a few beers and doing a best man speech, but I would be scared to get high and go out and do a talk show.

18:29 Drew One of my first times doing that, I did it on the Second City stage and it was with Louis Arquette, the father of all those damn Arquettes, from Rosanna to Patricia to David. No, he was in Second City, Second City from Chicago, and we did it out here. He was one of the teachers and just one of the pillars from the 50s, man. He was from the 50s Second City. And he got me before I did a live on stage show at the Second City. He said, come here, come into my van. He was living in a van at the time. No, he wasn't. He is an awesome man who I look up to. He's not with us anymore. No, this guy got me so high on such good pot. And then I went on stage to do these scripted old second city scenes. I couldn't remember my lines and I was sweating bullets. And we just had to black out in the middle of a scene and I was shaking and sweating. I have since learned to ride that way.

19:29 Andy Dick That's when you decided this stuff's for me.

19:31 Drew No, I took it on as a challenge and I have since learned to ride that. You know, it's like going on a wave at first and then crashing out or wiping out and then saying, you know what, I'm going to get back on that damn horse.

19:41 Adam I just want to have the guts to get back on that pipe, Drew.

19:44 Drew I got back on that pipe and got back on stage. A lesser man would have walked away.

19:49 Adam Not Andy Dick.

19:50 Drew And then I started really experimenting. One time I did mushrooms.

19:54 Adam Well, this is a good question. I know they're all a little bit different. What is the best drug to perform with?

20:02 Drew I used to say, what did I use to say? I used to say a really good combo. I used to have Dr. Dick's ultimate stage performing combo. And it has something to do with a little, like one or two beers, just a shot of either tequila or vodka. And it depended on where I was at in my using and drinking. Like I might have needed a little more. And then just to be a little bit high. And if I was feeling a little down, just a quick little pick me up with a little bump.

20:33 Just a little bit of a pick me up.

20:36 And then I could see that working.

20:38 Drew And then I would be like pretty even keeled, but on a high vibration. I'd be vibrating on stage.

20:45 Adam And that would be for like a stand up appearance or talk show panel or whatever.

20:50 Drew Yes, any of the above.

20:51 Andy Dick How about your band?

20:52 Drew Or with the band. And sometimes, but I'm telling you, what I'm talking about is something that I would have to do. Because I was the guy that was drinking every night or smoking pot every day like that. So that I had to kind of whip up some kind of alchemy or some chemicals to get myself to just a little bit more of a performance level. Now, I can do that without anything. I can drink a little green tea and be a little more vibrating.

21:20 Adam So how long has it been since you've been off of drugs and alcohol?

21:24 Drew Well, this time around, honestly, I've for three months.

21:28 Adam Three months.

21:28 Drew Yeah, three months. It's not a long time. No. It was just the summer. I was just drinking a little bit.

21:33 Adam Do you feel like the bouts aren't as severe as they were five years ago?

21:38 Drew Oh, yeah. I didn't know where my head was. It was way up my butt. My head was up my ass.

21:43 Adam And now it's just the crown of it's up your ass?

21:46 Drew I got the chin out. I can breathe a little.

21:50 Adam Scrape the cleft, would you, Drew? So here's the thing. So now you're on a natural raw food kick, right?

21:59 Drew Yeah. And I really feel like I need to be.

22:00 Andy Dick Can I get the toxins out, Adam?

22:03 Drew The toxins are just crap.

22:04 Adam So what is a normal day for you, eating wise?

22:08 Drew I wake up, I do this thing that's part of what I... I did a cleanse, fast. The master cleanser, which is the cayenne, cayenne maple syrup, lemon juice cleanse. And I did that for... That's all you drink, is water. With cayenne pepper, lemon juice and maple syrup. You did that for 16 days. 16 days.

22:27 Adam What?

22:28 Drew Wow.

22:28 Adam What's the maple syrup do for you?

22:31 Drew It adds the minerals and the things you need and the sugars that you need. And I was fine for 16 days, but I had to drink it every hour. And then...

22:38 Adam Ended up putting on 18 pounds. Every hour you drink the cayenne pepper, the maple syrup...

22:44 Drew And the lemon.

22:45 Adam And the lemon. Every hour you have a glass full.

22:47 Drew Yes. Every hour.

22:49 Adam And for 16 days... 16 days.

22:51 Drew You can go for 40.

22:52 Adam I could see making it a week, but 16 days isn't for me.

22:55 Andy Dick It's a return to the primitive state. A primitive man, of course, did this.

22:58 Adam Oh, yeah.

22:58 Drew You know, they really did. They couldn't find food and they would starve. And Jesus Christ did it for 40 days and 40 nights.

23:04 Adam That's right.

23:04 Drew With nothing. He didn't even have the cayenne or the maple syrup.

23:07 Adam That's right. But he had to gather two of every animal. That much I know.

23:11 Drew That was... You are so Jewish.

23:13 Adam 40 days.

23:15 Drew That was Noah.

23:15 Adam I'm not even a Jew. That was Noah in the ark. Here's the thing. So you did that. Now, did you lose weight? Did you flush out?

23:22 Drew But everything I flushed out was all toxic. The body is so smart. The body is so smart. It will not eat anything healthy. It will not destroy any healthy tissue whatsoever. It will go for the sickly, toxic, cancerous cells. That's just what it does. Crap map.

23:38 Adam All right. And now you're on the raw food thing.

23:42 Drew Yeah.

23:42 Adam And what's that like? You get up in the morning. What do you do? Eat a pine cone?

23:46 Drew That was the thing. I take one of those glasses. I just have one to get me going. One of the cayenne things and it gets me, you know, flushed out. And then I'll eat fruit up until noon. So I'll eat like pineapple or mango or papaya is one of my favorites. Nice.

24:00 Andy Dick What are you getting your protein?

24:02 Drew Well, then, you know, do you know that everything has protein?

24:05 Andy Dick Where are you getting your protein?

24:07 Drew Fruit has protein.

24:08 Andy Dick Not nearly enough.

24:09 Drew Hold on.

24:10 Adam Let me talk to Dr. Drew. Remember the guy Ryan we met out in the hall?

24:14 Andy Dick Yeah.

24:14 Adam I'm guessing that's where she's getting the protein. That is disgusting.

24:21 Drew That is disgusting.

24:22 Adam Well, come on. It's been 10 minutes and I haven't made any kind of gay jokes at all. It's been over 10 minutes and 12 seconds. I don't eat cons.

24:30 Drew I don't eat sperm. I don't remember what words you can say.

24:34 Adam I think we're in the safe harbor. I never have. Whatever we want.

24:38 Drew I never have. Was that me?

24:39 Adam All right.

24:41 Drew You need a lot of protein.

24:42 Adam Really?

24:47 Drew Look, what is this?

24:48 Adam Everything's got protein, Drew.

24:49 Andy Dick Yeah, it's got some protein.

24:51 Drew All right. Here, look. How much protein does this have?

24:53 Adam So you eat fruit, and then what do you do at noon?

24:56 Drew 14 grams of protein in this bar.

24:58 Adam What's lunchtime?

24:59 Andy Dick What's lunchtime? You need at least, Andy, you need 120 grams to get through a day.

25:04 Adam What do you do?

25:04 Drew I'm here. I am in the middle of the night. I got through it.

25:07 Adam All right. He made it.

25:07 Drew Not keeling over.

25:08 Adam He's fine. Drew, quiet down.

25:13 Drew I know.

25:14 Adam Don't listen to him.

25:14 Drew Like a father.

25:15 Adam He don't know anything. What do you do for lunch?

25:16 Drew Then I eat like an avocado and some tomatoes and some nuts and some almonds.

25:21 Andy Dick There you go.

25:22 Adam That's good. But no.

25:23 Drew Nuts and seeds. Sprouted. They have to be sprouted.

25:26 Adam Oh.

25:26 Drew Just so you know, a seed or a nut has an inhibitor on it, an enzyme inhibitor, which makes it... that's so that they won't start growing, right? But if you put them in water and you just start to sprout them, just for like one day, then your body can actually absorb all the nutrients.

25:45 Adam I don't like nuts unless they're like either smoked or covered with like that honey Dijon stuff. Here's a smoke.

25:53 Drew My nuts are smoking.

25:54 Adam And you soak them.

25:55 Drew I soak my nuts.

25:56 Adam And so... but no tuna fish, no chicken, no nothing, no cheese?

26:02 Drew I just soak my nuts.

26:03 Adam What about dairy?

26:04 Drew No dairy. Just lots of soaking of nuts. Soggy nuts.

26:09 Adam So no dairy. So are you vegan now?

26:12 Drew Vegan and raw. Now if I was raw, I could eat raw meat or raw fish, but I decide not to.

26:17 Adam Ah. So raw... now, can you cook? I know it sounds ridiculous.

26:21 Drew Cooking is no. That's a big X through the cooking.

26:24 Adam Okay. How about if you're doing... okay, like when you... you know when you take a...

26:29 Drew I did this for a year before once. Years ago, I did it for a whole year. And I stopped because there wasn't very much support out there for it, but now it's kind it. Was wondering, I just found that out.

26:50 Adam Well, I was trying to think of, now, what if you do something like this? Here's an interesting one, I can't think of the stupid dish, get it at the Mexican restaurant, they chop up the fish, they put the lime juice and stuff on it.

27:01 Drew Oh, sort of the ceviche.

27:01 Adam Ceviche. Drew, are you going to come up with that?

27:07 Drew He's angry that I'm not eating protein. He is.

27:10 Adam Ceviche, I'm angry at him.

27:11 Drew What do you think I'm in a kilo?

27:12 Adam He lands on his feet. Listen, ceviche is cooked by the acid in the lime, see what I'm saying? So, it's sort of like eating cooked fish, but it never sees any flame. Maybe you could eat your fish raw, but still cooked and win on a technicality, like beating the IRS.

27:30 Drew But I don't eat meat, so I don't even eat meat. So, screw it.

27:34 Adam All right. I had another gay joke, but let's move forward. What's going on with you? Do you have a girlfriend?

27:39 Drew No, I had one over the summer, but I don't...

27:41 Adam Dumb with her?

27:42 Drew Not interested.

27:43 Adam Andy has some super smoking hot young chicks that he dates. Yeah, she was gorgeous. No, I know.

27:49 Drew She really was. But it's just too much trouble for me. I can't do it.

27:52 Adam What do you mean? Well, you get chicks that are a little bit nutty, a little bit chaotic.

27:56 Drew Probably. But I think really the problem is me.

27:58 Adam Well, that's true.

28:00 Drew I'm too crazy.

28:00 Adam Touche. You're right.

28:03 Drew I'm too crazy to be in the relationship. I need them, and then when they need me, I can't do it. I just can't be there. But I need them to be there for me.

28:14 Adam Yeah, but it seems like at whatever age you are, which is probably an age where it's time to start getting over this stuff.

28:20 Drew 38.

28:21 Adam 38.

28:22 Drew I'm 38.

28:22 Adam It's probably about the time that this stuff starts, this kind of relationship, neurosis starts to coast to a stop.

28:28 Drew Yeah, but you know what it is for me? I'm just starting to be comfortable being alone is what it is, so that's luckily. I've been praying for that, actually.

28:38 Adam Really?

28:39 Drew I've been literally praying, like, please, let me be okay being alone.

28:43 Adam Yeah.

28:44 Drew And it's just starting to be, I'm starting to be okay.

28:47 Adam It sounds like a cliché, but I could remember when I was early 20s, your skin starts crawling when you're alone. You shouldn't do it.

28:57 Drew Yeah. I couldn't do it up to this year.

28:59 Adam Really? God bless Andy Dick. He's eating raw stuff. He's out of the relationship, but that's all right. And you know where he's been to Andy, he's going to Andy.

29:11 Drew But check me tomorrow. You never know. I'll be eating up filet mignon at Augeot.

29:15 Adam Speaking of tomorrow, well, not tomorrow, but Friday, ABC, TGIF, 930 Less Than Perfect. We had Sarah Ruh in here. I was suggesting to her that the advertising campaign should be TGIF and F. Is that what it was, or F and Fridays, or TGIF and funny? Yeah, TGIF and funny. Yeah. Little Ed.

29:41 Drew Did she like it?

29:43 Adam She was amused, but then she had to leave. She could talk to executives. She may not have gotten around to it, so you may want to bring that up when you go in. Anna? Hi.

29:52 Andy Dick We just hung up.

29:53 Adam Oh, I hung up on someone? Fantastic. Anna, you're 22. What's up?

29:58 Caller Well, my problem is that my ex-boyfriend, we broke up two months ago, has been trying to keep contact with me over the past couple of months. He sent me five emails. He's called me a couple of times, and I just haven't responded to him. I've been trying to ignore him. And recently, I've had some issues with jobs, and I had to go back to work at my old job. And I just found out that he also started working there as well. So now I'm forced with the issue, the fact that I'm going to be working with him at this job.

30:29 Andy Dick And what kind of work?

30:31 Caller At a restaurant. I go to school full time, so it's really hard for me to find work that will coincide with my work schedule.

30:40 Andy Dick And what does he do?

30:41 Caller What does he do?

30:43 Andy Dick What does he do?

30:45 Caller He is graduated from college, and he works at a bar, and he works at the restaurant.

30:50 Drew You still like him.

30:52 Adam I know someone came up with server because it sounds better than waiter or waitress, but not really. Yeah, it sounds a lot closer to servant or slave or slave even than waitress or waiter sounds noble compared to server.

31:07 Caller I think minion is a good word.

31:09 Drew But do you still like that guy?

31:14 Caller I found out that he lied to me after we broke up because we tried to be friends for a long time. Because we have the same friend group.

31:21 Andy Dick What did he lie to you about?

31:25 Caller He was still telling me that he was still in love with me after he broke up with me. And during that time, he was sleeping with a girl.

31:33 Andy Dick So what? It doesn't mean he wasn't in love with you?

31:36 Caller But to me, that's just a contradiction. I mean, why would you...

31:39 Andy Dick No, for a woman, that's a contradiction. For a guy, that's how they cope with being in love with somebody but not being with them.

31:45 Adam Yeah, that's right. He was probably on top of her seeing you.

31:50 Andy Dick Look, whatever it is, you're done with him and that's fine. What does he do at the restaurant? How can you avoid him at the restaurant?

31:55 Adam You can.

31:56 Caller Yeah, he's a server as well.

31:58 Andy Dick All right, well...

31:59 Adam You're not gonna be able to do it. Hey, he broke up with you and wants to get back together with you.

32:04 Caller No, he doesn't want to get back together with me. He's dating somebody right now, but he still keeps contact with me.

32:09 Adam I thought you said he keeps emailing you and now you're uncomfortable.

32:15 Andy Dick He just wants sex. What's the content of the email?

32:18 Caller He'll say about the fact that he still wants to be friends with me and he doesn't want to lose me.

32:23 Andy Dick Well, you just tell him, forget it.

32:25 Adam And, Anna, you still have feelings for him.

32:27 Andy Dick Yeah.

32:28 Caller No, I haven't emailed him back or anything.

32:31 Adam All right, but you have feelings for him, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue.

32:35 Caller Well, it's an issue because I just don't want it to blow up in my face.

32:38 Adam It's not gonna blow up in your face. You've painted it, by the way, like, A, well, first off, she said, you know, my ex-boyfriend and we've broken up for a few months and he's constantly emailing me. And now he's taking a job back where I'm working. Okay, this poor desperate guy is trying to scratch and claws way back into her life.

32:57 Andy Dick Right.

32:58 Adam No, he dumped her. He's banging somebody else. He's extending the olive branch and she still has feelings for him. Oh, look, all you got to do is admit you have feelings for him. And if you do, it's going to be a bad situation. But if you really don't, then just go to work.

33:13 Andy Dick Yeah, forget it. Don't worry about him.

33:15 Caller Well, I just worry that he's just going to keep doing the same thing. Like I don't want to hang out.

33:21 Adam Keep doing the same. No.

33:22 Andy Dick What do you care?

33:23 Adam Yeah, you don't care.

33:24 You don't like him.

33:25 Adam You don't have feelings for him. Right.

33:28 Caller But if someone's constantly bugging you about wanting...

33:31 Adam No, no, it's going to...

33:32 Drew You're afraid that you're going to give in.

33:34 Adam Yeah, it's not going to constantly bug you about being friends.

33:38 Andy Dick People get... You tell them no and that's it.

33:40 Adam It has.

33:41 Andy Dick Yeah, you haven't told them no.

33:44 Adam All right.

33:45 Andy Dick Just look.

33:45 Adam Just tell them and know in certain...

33:47 Caller I sent him an email and I told him, listen, you know, I don't want anything further to do with you.

33:51 Adam Yeah, no, you said, I'm mad at you for what you did, whatever, and he feels bad and he's trying to make up for it.

33:58 Caller No, I just sent it to him recently when I was going to be going back to work and I said, listen, we're going to be working together. I just want us to have a work relationship. I don't want any good outside of either way. Did he?

34:09 Andy Dick Did he respond to that?

34:10 Drew Boring.

34:10 Andy Dick Did he respond to that?

34:12 Caller No, he hasn't responded.

34:13 Andy Dick All right. Because he's fine, because he stopped.

34:16 Adam He's with Andy.

34:17 Andy Dick Who cares?

34:17 Adam It's going to your work. You miss him. Lucky. Look, I lived in a, I grew up in a house of 800 square feet. I voided my parents for nine years. Believe me, it's easy to do.

34:28 Andy Dick Yeah, it's fine.

34:29 Adam You're busy. You got the Bloomin Onion in the bathroom.

34:32 Drew 800 square feet? That's small. Was it a one bedroom?

34:37 Adam It was, it was on a flagpole. I was really, I swear.

34:43 Drew Was it really 800 square feet?

34:44 Adam I swear to you, yeah. I'm going to figure out the square footage of my grandmother's house during the commercial break.

34:50 Andy Dick That you lived with your mom and stepdad.

34:52 Adam Oh, oh, that house. Oh yeah. Oh, service porch. Oh, that was great.

34:56 Drew You lived on the service porch?

34:57 Adam We lived on the service porch, Andy.

34:58 Drew With the laundry machines?

35:00 Adam Well, now you say machines, plural.

35:02 Drew Well, the washer and dryer. You didn't have a dryer.

35:06 Adam Well, who are we, the Rockefellers?

35:07 Drew You didn't even have a dryer.

35:09 Adam Didn't, didn't.

35:10 Drew You had to hang them out back.

35:12 Adam Let me explain.

35:15 Drew You're so happy.

35:16 Adam Let me explain something.

35:17 Drew Look how good he's doing.

35:18 Adam Let me tell you what was in my room. My room had the washing machine. It had the water heater. I should have been dead of carbon monoxide. I think I should have blown up and killed me many times over. One ear's melted off. I can barely talk.

35:34 Andy Dick You're like Phantom of the Paradise.

35:38 Adam Hey, Drew, I was beating off when I was there. Drew's coming down. Drew's having to tend to my wounds that open up when I laugh too hard. It's sad. Yeah. Water heater, washing machine and meter. The meter reader, the electric meter guy, he would come into my room and I should walk into my room and open the closet and have to read the meter, which is inside the house. But ironically, meter inside the house, white trash. For some reason, usually sofa outside the house, white trash. Meter inside, white trash.

36:15 Andy Dick What does it mean closing outside parts of the house?

36:18 Adam Yeah. It was a porch that was about five feet by nine and a half feet that ended up getting a roof put on it, not closed, you know, open beam, and then just a wall and a couple windows. And yeah, there it was.

36:33 Andy Dick What city?

36:34 Drew What city was that?

36:35 Adam Fabulous North Hollywood. Oh, man. Oh, what a dream. What a palatial state. Let me tell you something about how crappy that room was and that house was. I watch Extreme Home Makeover fairly religiously, and every time I watch the show, they do that beginning thing where they're like, we're in the Johnson family and they got the six people and they're walking through and they're like, oh, my God, look at the size of your bedroom. Oh, look, you have no closet. You haven't. And I always go, wow, those people are really down. And then I go, wait a minute. My room was twice as bad as that and twice as small. How dare my parents.

37:07 Andy Dick Isn't it the case that that washing machine was the only one in two families?

37:10 Adam Three.

37:11 Andy Dick Three families. Let me tell you.

37:14 Adam For grandmother. Yeah.

37:15 Andy Dick Dad and stepmom. Mom and stepdad.

37:17 Adam I'll tell you, there were three homes, three homes, not three apartments, three separate homes in North Hollywood, three sets of adults, three couples, average age at the time combined with the grandparents and the dad were probably 61 years of age. Out of the three homes, there was one washing machine.

37:35 Andy Dick In Adam's room.

37:36 Drew Where was your mom and dad?

37:37 Andy Dick My room.

37:37 Adam Well, my parents got divorced. My dad bought a house in North Hollywood for $17,500, by the way, in 1975. Close your eyes. Imagine what $17,500 gets you.

37:49 Andy Dick Was the street paved?

37:50 Adam No, it was a dirt driveway. And my grandmother, by the way, this is a nice piece of trivia. My grandmother is now 91 years old and last weekend received her first washer and dryer, albeit used, but received her first washer and dryer.

38:07 Drew Did you buy it for her?

38:08 Adam Hell no.

38:08 Drew You don't like her?

38:09 Adam She's okay. I give her three. Should we take a break?

38:14 Andy Dick Let's do take a break.

38:15 Adam Andy. I didn't. That's not a one. Andy. One is with actually, you know, beat you with a switch for yawning in front of them. Andy Dick is here tonight. Less than perfect. F and Funny Fridays on 930 ABC. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

38:37 Caller Hello.

38:43 Loveline is brought to you by the Sony Network Walkman player.

38:46 Caller Hello. This is the Mango from the Saturday Night Live. And you did listen to the Loveline with the Adam Carolla sus and the Drew man with the ass. No, you can't have me.

39:03 Yeah, Loveline, Fast-Growing Outlaw Radio North.

39:19 Adam I could tell you, but I have to kill you. 35, 35 after eight o'clock, 25 away from the top of the hour. Nine o'clock coming up straight up top of the hour. News and traffic coming up. Oh, a little news. A little weather report, a little traffic, a traffic in lanes. Look out, imagine debris, the four or five, watch out for brake lights and 101 Harbor Exchange.

39:37 Slow and go. Look out.

39:38 All right.

39:39 Adam Andy Dick and Steer Tonight. Dear, dear friend, Andy Dick.

39:42 Caller I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what.

39:44 Adam It's a funny guy, Andy Dick, everybody. He's on, he's a good friend, a dear friend, I'll tell you, funny, funny guy, big fan, never missed a guy. Yeah, and you know, he doesn't like Chris the Mango, by the way, Chris, Chris Katana.

40:09 Andy Dick Oh, that's right.

40:11 Adam Oh no, Anderson, oh yes. Anderson.

40:15 Drew He just likes to start crap.

40:17 Adam He is, he's a fire starter, that Anderson, I mean, literally starts fire.

40:21 Andy Dick He likes fire.

40:22 Adam I'm a fire starter.

40:25 Andy Dick Shocking. Did you smear feces when you were a kid?

40:29 Adam Oh really? I waited till I was a teenager.

40:32 Andy Dick You just threw feces. What are you gonna do?

40:34 Adam It's different. When provoked, I have to protect myself.

40:37 Andy Dick You have a finger pain, he's not hurling.

40:38 Adam Okay, well here's my point. What was the deal with the Chris Kattan, Andy Dick, Saturday Night Live thing? I don't want to knock any scabs off wounds, but he played you.

40:47 Drew While I was in rehab.

40:49 Adam While you were in rehab.

40:50 Drew He was very mean. He was really, really mean, kicking a man when he's down.

40:54 Adam And do you hold that against him?

40:56 Drew I just, yes, I don't like it.

40:59 Adam But haven't you screwed with many performers?

41:01 Drew No, not my friends. Oh, he's your friend? Yeah, we were friends. Oh, you were friends? I had performed with him at the Groundlings and I knew him and it'd be like if you, you know, got AIDS, if you got AIDS and I just went, look at me, I'm Adam Carolla with AIDS.

41:19 Adam I thought that was funny.

41:20 Drew Yeah, it wouldn't be if you had AIDS.

41:22 Adam It wouldn't be. You're right. You're right. But if I had AIDS, it would only be HIV. It wouldn't be full blown AIDS because Drew would nip it in the butt. Drew had me on that triple cocktail and that'd be eating all those raw berries.

41:33 Andy Dick Oh, that'd make all the difference.

41:34 Adam That'd make all the difference.

41:35 Andy Dick The toxins would be out of your body.

41:36 Adam The toxins, the flesh of toxins out.

41:38 Drew It was just, that was a bad time. I was also very weak. You were weak? Well, you know, my mind, I was very upset. That was the first time I had ever stopped doing drugs and alcohol all together after years. So, you know, when you first stop, you're shaky and scared and paranoid and freaked out. And then, you know, it was bad enough to have people talk about me that I didn't know. But then when a friend portrays me in a really horrible way.

42:06 Adam Right. Now, did you see it live or did someone show it to you?

42:10 Drew I think somebody told me about it. And I was in rehab and I just got very upset. It's the stuff that makes people commit suicide.

42:17 Andy Dick What were you treated for?

42:18 Drew I'll tell you that. It's the stuff that makes people commit suicide. And I've seen people commit suicide for less things than that.

42:24 Andy Dick Were you promised?

42:25 Drew Yeah. All right.

42:27 Andy Dick So let's.

42:28 Drew I'm OK now. He can say anything he wants.

42:31 Adam Right.

42:31 Drew I'll just kick him in the balls.

42:32 Caller Fortunately, this is Chris Catan from Saturday Night Live.

42:35 Drew Please.

42:35 Adam He has no microphone.

42:40 Drew Yeah, that's all right.

42:43 Adam Well, you ready to go for here? Let's go.

42:46 Drew He got fired, by the way, from a Broadway show recently.

42:48 Adam He was on Broadway.

42:50 Drew He got fired.

42:51 Adam Good. His head should grow to the ground like an onion. Yes, Drew?

42:54 Drew I guess he's having a lot of trouble.

42:55 Andy Dick Hair should grow in its place.

42:56 Adam That's right.

42:57 Drew You know, I'm sure he just doesn't have his crap together, but he's when it comes down to it, I'm sure he's a good guy.

43:01 Adam And he's a friend of yours.

43:03 Drew He's I don't know him anymore, but I think he's having a little trouble with the drugs and alcohol now. The tables have turned.

43:09 Adam The worm has turned yesterday.

43:11 Drew Haven't they, Chris Catan?

43:14 Adam Well, maybe he'll kill himself tonight.

43:16 Drew Great. No, he's a good guy. And I just would rather not work with him or even talk about him. Too much time spent.

43:22 Andy Dick Here we go.

43:23 Adam That's right. Rain? You're 22? What's up, baby doll?

43:28 Caller Well, I've been bleeding for over a month and I don't know if it's from chronic masturbating or my body adjusting to the lithium I'm on.

43:38 Drew Are you bleeding out of your vagina?

43:42 Caller Good.

43:42 Adam Okay.

43:42 Drew I just wanted to clarify. And I wanted to say that sentence. I wanted to say that sentence.

43:47 Adam Drew, what's the worst place to bleed out of? I've seen a lot of action movies and I think the ear.

43:52 Andy Dick The ear means a basal skull fracture.

43:54 Drew Yuck.

43:55 Andy Dick So that's why that's bad.

43:57 Drew Could she have that same kind of fracture if she's bleeding out of her vagina?

44:01 Andy Dick No.

44:01 Drew No, the blood wouldn't get down there. No, it would come out the ear. So now what if it came out the ear, dripped down the body and then was...

44:08 Adam I agree with Andy. Sometimes when you have like a transmission fluid leak, you think it's a certain spot in the driveway, but it follows the contour and comes out on the low drain plug part of the transmission.

44:18 Drew What if there was something like that? You should check your ear, honey.

44:21 Adam Check the ear.

44:22 Drew Make sure that it's not coming out of the ear.

44:23 Adam What if it's following the ear? I agree with Andy.

44:25 Drew What if the stripper follows it with the beer when the beer follows the contour?

44:29 Adam Oh, the stripper? I think it was called like a golden shower or something.

44:33 Drew Yeah, wait, she's talking to me.

44:34 Adam Sorry. Go ahead, Ray.

44:36 Caller Yeah, I used to strip too and, you know, I so used to sex and now I masturbate all the time.

44:41 Drew Well, let me ask the Dr. Drew question. When were you or how were you molested as a child? Really?

44:56 Andy Dick The Gemini.

44:57 Adam Oh, you're Gemini.

44:58 Drew Now when you are you masturbating with like with a black and decker or I mean, a vibrator like hard with drill bits on it.

45:09 Caller It looks like a flashlight.

45:12 Andy Dick Are you manic?

45:12 Drew That might be a mag light.

45:14 Andy Dick Are you manic now, Ray? But are you manic? Have you been mannicky?

45:20 Drew I'm getting manic here. Put down the mag night light. Stop putting it up your vagina. It would make me bleed.

45:26 Andy Dick Well, the compulsive masturbation can be an expression of hypomania.

45:31 Drew I just started bleeding thinking about a mag night light.

45:34 Andy Dick And the bleeding probably is the lithium. However, lithium can affect your...

45:38 Adam Take it out, take it out, take it out, take it out.

45:44 Andy Dick Here's the deal, Ray.

45:44 Adam That was mic'd up.

45:45 Andy Dick Lithium can affect thyroid function, and thyroid is a very common cause of dysfunctional uterine bleeding. So you need to get your lithium level checked, your iron level checked, and your thyroid level checked.

45:56 Drew Get one of those big damn band-aids and just put it right over your vaginal area.

45:59 Andy Dick And then the compulsive masturbation means your mania is not being properly treated. So you need to talk to whoever's prescribing the lithium about maybe a more modern mood stabilizer like a trileptal or valproic acid, something like that.

46:10 Adam Rayne, Rayne, what got you out of stripping?

46:17 Drew The bleeding vagina.

46:19 Adam Oh yeah?

46:19 Drew The bleeding vagina. People stopped coming. Yeah.

46:22 Caller They stopped throwing the money because the guys aren't, well, good luck to you.

46:30 Adam Where did you strip? Did you move from Nevada or something? No stripper work to be found in Arkansas?

46:39 Caller Well, it's like from where I'm at, it's about two hours to the nearest club.

46:45 Drew How old are you?

46:46 Caller Money isn't all that great.

46:48 Adam 22.

46:49 Caller Down here and-

46:51 Drew Right.

46:52 Adam Yeah, it really does vary quite a bit. All right, Rainn, so what are you doing for work now, by the way?

46:58 Drew There's not much work out there for a stripper bleeding from the vagina.

47:02 Adam Nothing.

47:03 Andy Dick Nothing.

47:03 Caller Who'd you come out there with? There's no work for women out here at all.

47:06 Drew Bleeding from the vagina?

47:07 Andy Dick Who'd you come out there with?

47:09 Caller My parents.

47:10 Andy Dick You're 22, living with your parents, you have to move with them? What's up with that?

47:14 Caller I moved with them to go to college at UALR, University of Arkansas, UALR, University of Arkansas, Little Rock.

47:29 Adam And is it razorbacks? Okay. And what happened?

47:35 Drew Take the razorbacks out of your vagina. Maybe the bleeding will clear up.

47:40 Adam By the way, it's got to be bad news when you couldn't make it in. Your SAT scores weren't high enough to make it into a college that's named after a pig.

47:49 Caller Actually, I spent a year at SIU, Southern Illinois. All right.

47:54 Adam All right.

47:55 Drew That's another party school.

47:56 Caller I guess it's smart to get into a real school, but with all the meds I have to be on, the lithium and the resperidol.

48:04 Adam Resperidol.

48:05 Andy Dick Resperidol can cause the bleeding too. Why is she on something?

48:10 Adam She's bipolar, but what if she started using raw food, Drew?

48:14 Drew I could cure her with nutrition and I know I really could, but people can't stick to it. Right. I know. I really, I swear to you, I could.

48:21 Andy Dick Unfortunately, Andy, people die of bipolar condition and you can't really screw with that.

48:27 Drew Because they try to peel their skin off like an orange.

48:29 Andy Dick They have lots of different things happen.

48:30 Drew But how do you die from bipolar?

48:32 Andy Dick They kill themselves more often than not.

48:33 Drew Really?

48:34 Adam That's not dying of. That's still killing yourself. Right? Yeah.

48:38 Caller All right.

48:38 Adam So do whatever Drew said to do and give your parents a break.

48:44 Caller I'm planning on being out of here.

48:46 Drew Give your parents a break by stopping bleeding from your vagina. Give us all a break.

48:52 Adam It's got to be. It's going to be horrible. You move in Arkansas and your stripper daughter wants to go.

48:57 Drew It's horrible if you're in the audience and the stripper you're watching is bleeding from her vagina. That's what's horrible.

49:03 Adam That's bad. That's bad times.

49:05 Drew I'm not throwing her a dollar.

49:06 Adam Yeah.

49:07 Andy Dick What do you think vaginas are for, Andy?

49:09 Adam Yeah, Drew.

49:10 Drew For bleeding?

49:11 Adam Yeah. Come on. They make some people.

49:13 Drew It's a drain pipe.

49:14 Adam You know what I would have done if I were a parent? I would have been like when a car would have been all loaded up to go to Arkansas and I would have been like, sweetie, hold on. Before you get in. I mean, I showed him a vibrator. We got him excited. Like, here you go. Here you go. And I would have chucked it. Chucked it in the woods. And then while she ran after it, me and the missus would jump in the car and peel out. Awesome, right? Good. Yeah. Andy Dick in studio tonight. Part of the TGIF and funny Friday night lineup on ABC 930. A little something called Less Than Perfect. A clean and sober Andy Dick, everybody.

49:46 Drew I only have one problem.

49:48 Adam What's that?

49:48 Drew My vagina is bleeding.

49:50 Andy Dick It's a big problem for a male.

49:51 I just wanted to see the wet pink stick.

49:55 Adam Let's.

49:56 Drew What the heck?

49:57 Adam I remember that. You don't know what you were saying.

50:00 Drew I remember somebody wandered into the.

50:05 Adam Yeah.

50:06 Drew Oh, no.

50:07 Adam Andy.

50:07 Drew I thought it was when that guy wanted you to check out his ding dong because he had a rash and I insisted on being your assistant.

50:14 Adam Yeah.

50:14 I just wanted to see the wet pink stick.

50:17 Andy Dick That is what happened. Is that what happened?

50:19 Adam But that's something else. Andy, what are your B.M.'s like? Like I imagine shredded wheat. Good. Like just a big. Remember the big shredded wheat? Yeah.

50:28 Drew And you can see the seeds in them.

50:30 Adam I'd like to.

50:30 Drew All right.

50:31 Adam Let's take a break. Let's see if we can pick a work up an example.

50:35 Drew And I, a stool sample.

50:36 Adam Please.

50:37 Drew And I go, I go a lot.

50:39 Adam Yeah.

50:39 Drew The raw food movement.

50:41 Adam Like back in the day, they were more like a space bar. Remember those? Little, little, little yellow packet. Yeah. Yeah. And now they're probably like one of those pine mountain logs. Yes. Fiberous. All right. Let's take a break. Andy Dick and Stuart and I will take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Loveline. You know, Drew, smelling good is more than a smell. It's an attitude.

51:06 Andy Dick That's true, Adam.

51:07 Adam It is?

51:08 Andy Dick I know how to get that attitude, too.

51:10 Adam How? Break down.

51:11 Andy Dick Axe deodorant body spray.

51:13 Adam Hey, everybody. Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Anthony Kiedis in here from Red Hot Chili Peppers. Dr. Drew, to my left and to my left or left, the great Andy Dick, everyone. Less than Perfect, ABC 930, Friday Nights, everyone, going on year three.

51:35 Andy Dick Sarah Rue seems like a delightful person.

51:37 Drew She's fun. Yeah, I really like her. In the last month or so, we've been laughing a lot, but I laugh with everybody there. Everybody there is so awesome. They're way better than me, I'll tell you that.

51:47 Adam Better what?

51:48 Drew Better people.

51:49 Adam Oh, well, yeah.

51:50 Drew They're just really good people.

51:51 Adam No, s.

51:52 Drew They're just Andrea Parker.

51:54 Adam Go down to Guantanamo Bay and find better people.

51:56 Drew Oh, shut the F up. I'm a good person. You know, I just struggle, you know? It really is hard for me. Andrea Parker is so fun and so classy and so beautiful. And Sherri Shepherd is so loving and funny.

52:10 Andy Dick What's the struggle for you?

52:11 Adam What's the struggle?

52:12 Drew Just life, man. Everything. But the whole cast is wonderful. Really great people.

52:19 Adam Are you?

52:19 Drew Come on, everything's a struggle. Sometimes I struggle just to get out of bed or, you know.

52:24 Adam So the toxins are built up inside your body, right, Drew?

52:27 Andy Dick Toxins, yes, toxins.

52:29 Adam But Andy, are you happy?

52:31 Drew No. I mean, why does everybody always ask me that?

52:34 Adam Yeah.

52:35 Drew Well, I was happy when I was doing drugs.

52:39 Andy Dick If you're an addict, no heroin addict is happier than when they're fixing.

52:43 Adam Right.

52:43 Drew I was happy when I was drinking. Give me a beer and some tequila and a big fat blunt and I'm happy. I'm happy just to look at it.

52:53 Andy Dick A little more.

52:54 Drew Knowing I'm going to be smoking it.

52:55 Jesus Christ in heaven. Where is this bin?

52:59 Drew Send me an ounce of this stuff. I remember that. I remember that was how I would.

53:03 Adam That was the first time I tried pot.

53:05 Drew Yes.

53:05 Andy Dick Better to say, are you OK? How's it going?

53:08 Adam No, you're right. You're right. You know, it's the equivalent of.

53:11 Drew I don't have that feeling of happiness.

53:14 Adam I know what you're saying. I get the same people asking me if I'm having a good time. It just reminds me of the rerunning. I hosted the Late Late Show a couple of weeks ago.

53:26 Drew Oh, you did?

53:26 Adam How did that go?

53:27 Drew And what is going on with that damn show?

53:29 Adam Well, I'll tell you.

53:29 Drew Tell me. I want to know how did you do it for a week? And how did it go? Three days?

53:34 Adam I did it for three days.

53:35 Drew And how did it go?

53:35 Adam Well, I'll tell you what, Andy.

53:36 Drew I can't wait to hear. You can watch it tonight.

53:38 Adam I'll tell you what, you can watch it tonight.

53:39 Drew Well, why didn't you have me on?

53:42 Adam I didn't have any say.

53:43 Drew You didn't have any say? Because I would have made it good.

53:45 Adam They would have. Oh, I know.

53:46 Drew Really? It would have been fun. We could have a lot of fun.

53:48 Adam No, I look, I know.

53:50 Drew What happened with it? Tell us, tell us.

53:51 Adam Oh, what happened with it? Okay.

53:53 Drew Because I saw a couple of their hosts that they got. They just socked.

53:56 Adam They had some that sucked, but they had some people that were quite competent, I felt.

54:02 Drew Who was good?

54:04 Adam Well, it kind of varied like, you know, like Tom Arnold was sort of good in his own crazy way.

54:10 Drew He's good. I like him.

54:11 Adam And Michael Ian Black was good in a sort of very competent way. Like, it was surprising. A lot of people just came in and took over the show and sort of didn't miss a beat, didn't drop a line, found the camera, didn't flub anything, you know, held the cards up to the right direction.

54:26 Andy Dick It's a brain surgery.

54:27 Drew Michael Ian Black made some kind of joke about me.

54:29 Adam Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I think there may have been. So easy.

54:32 Andy Dick Anyway.

54:32 Drew So I think he sucks.

54:33 Adam There was a, there was a, you know.

54:35 Drew Michael Ian Black sucked.

54:37 Adam DL like, Ugly was all right.

54:39 Drew DL like, Ugly, I think, did a good job.

54:41 Adam A handful. OK.

54:42 Drew But Michael Ian Black, he sucked.

54:44 Adam Here's what.

54:45 Drew They made a joke about me. I know. So he sucks.

54:47 Adam But Andy.

54:48 Drew He sucks walking down the street.

54:49 Adam You're in, you're in the news. That's the thing.

54:52 Drew He sucks in anywhere.

54:54 Andy Dick In the news or not. Andy wanted to know what's happening.

54:56 Adam All right. So here's that.

54:57 Drew He sucks my nuts. My soggy, soaked nuts. I soak my nuts. I eat raw food. I soak my nuts. I don't want to say that.

55:04 Adam The St. Satellite family.

55:05 Drew And he sucks them.

55:06 Andy Dick Here we go. I know you want these nuts. Here we go.

55:08 Adam Here's my point. They went ahead and looked at, I don't know, 20 people and they narrowed it down to about five people. I was in that group of five. They then were supposed to tell everybody who they were going to pick like two weeks ago. But instead, they wanted that group of five people to each host a full week and that they would make their decision around the first. They didn't tell me not to say anything. So I just said, I'm going to go ahead and say it. I declined because I have other deals going on in other places that have been put on hold for a while. And now they're asking to push it back another two months and these other people can't wait on the off chance that I might get the gig. So I just said thanks but no thanks. And now I'm moving ahead with other plans. But for some reason, they're on like hiatus this week and they're re-airing shows. I guess the fact that they're re-airing one of my shows is a good sign because they're not going to take the crappy ones, right?

56:02 Andy Dick Well, it makes sense they would be re-airing the top five, yeah? Yeah, for sure.

56:06 Drew That means it was a good show. Who was the guest?

56:08 Adam Oh, okay. Nicolette Sheridan and you, you were just really high.

56:13 Andy Dick You don't remember.

56:14 Adam You threw up. It was kind of weird.

56:15 Drew Then it sounds like a good show.

56:16 Adam It was excellent. So Andy, you can watch me tonight after Letterman on CBS if you want to see how it went.

56:23 Andy Dick I will.

56:24 Adam All right. Where were we?

56:24 Andy Dick Where are we? We're taking calls.

56:26 Adam We're taking calls, everybody.

56:27 Drew We're here to help.

56:28 Andy Dick Dana, who is 28.

56:30 Adam Oh yeah. Also, a Drawn Together show is on tonight too, but I think we're only about 10 minutes left of that show. Are you ready to go?

56:39 Andy Dick Here we go.

56:39 Adam All right, Drew, well, look, hold on a second. How many times you plug your goddamn book? I'm on a TV show. I'm not allowed to give it a munchin? And don't give me that, but don't give me that.

56:47 Andy Dick No, no, I'm not giving it to you. It's the guy on my left.

56:50 Adam All right.

56:51 Andy Dick Here we go.

56:52 Adam For those of you at home, I am to Drew's laughter. That's why I'm angry. Dana.

56:58 How are you?

56:59 Adam What's happening?

57:00 Drew We're all good.

57:00 Good. I have a question regarding a kidney transplant.

57:05 Drew Ouch.

57:06 Caller Yeah.

57:06 Drew If you just, I have a question. Did it hurt?

57:09 Caller It hurt a little, but it definitely, I started feeling better right away, so.

57:13 Drew Was it your brother's kidney?

57:15 Caller No, it was my sister's.

57:18 Andy Dick If she'd just gotten rid of the toxins, it never would have happened.

57:21 Caller Anyway, it's a crazy question. But the question is, what happens if you do mushrooms?

57:31 Andy Dick On your new kidney?

57:33 Drew You should have done it right before the operation.

57:37 Caller I know, and I haven't because I'm totally protective over it and all that good stuff, but I'm just curious and I don't want to ask the doctor.

57:44 Andy Dick You're on cyclosporine.

57:45 Caller Of course.

57:46 Andy Dick And what else?

57:48 Caller I'm on some blood pressure medicine and prednisone.

57:53 Drew If you want to do mushrooms, I happen to have some left over in my account. I really do. Somebody gave some to me. I went to Chris Pontius' bachelor party from Bam. I can only imagine. No, from Wild Boys. Oh, it was just wild. But anyway, somebody just gave me a bag of mushrooms.

58:11 Adam Well, Andy can send you out some mushrooms.

58:12 Drew I'll give them to you. Unless Dr. Drew says that's a no-go.

58:16 Andy Dick No. You know, Dana, there's nothing specific about it that would interact with the medications or would harm the kidney, though, you know, I don't know if anyone's ever studied other potential problems with a transplanted kidney.

58:27 Drew Why did she get one in the first place? I'm wondering. Maybe she did a lot of drugs.

58:31 Caller No. Actually, it was due to good pasture syndrome. It's an autoimmune disease.

58:36 Andy Dick Did you cough up blood and all that stuff, too?

58:40 Caller I know. And it's pretty bad. I wouldn't and that's why I would never do it without, you know.

58:45 Andy Dick I wouldn't.

58:46 Caller I just wouldn't play. I know it's scary anyway. I don't know.

58:48 Andy Dick It's sort of it. Here's what.

58:49 Drew But you know what? I know why you want to. Can I say something? I know why, because she just looked that they use those kind of drugs. Remember back in the 50s and the 60s, those cyclo. What are they called?

59:00 Andy Dick So psychedelics.

59:00 Drew Yeah. Like to have people to help them. They were therapeutic.

59:05 Andy Dick I know. But that's been pretty much.

59:07 Adam Come on.

59:10 Andy Dick The deal is, though, if you are willing to risk your kidney to use drugs, that's the biggest problem here. I can't tell you specifically that it's going to be harmful. None of us thinks it's a great idea. But if you're willing to risk transplanting kidney to do drugs, then it's a problem.

59:24 Adam Yeah. All right. And cyclotropic or something. That's it.

59:28 Andy Dick That's psychedelic.

59:29 Drew No, but I was looking for cyclotropic.

59:31 Andy Dick Psychotropic? Psychotropic.

59:33 Adam Yeah.

59:35 Andy Dick Psychotropic is for pharmaceuticals. Those are antidepressants. Psychedelics are what they use in the 60s to try to shape it.

59:48 Adam We got to take a break.

59:49 Drew Oh, then ecstasy is a psychotropic.

59:50 Adam We have to take a break. Go look it up. You'll find out I'm right.

59:54 Drew I don't care.

59:55 Adam Here's what's going on. We're taking a break. And by the way, here's why you can't take mushrooms. You're going to be thinking about your kidney that was living inside your other person and then harvested and put inside and it's going to start talking to you and it's going to get a thumping. It's going to get some heartbeat. Then it's going to try to escape your way out. Yeah. It's eating its way out. Once you get back in your brother.

1:00:13 Andy Dick And I love that.

1:00:15 Adam That's why you can't do it. Forget about the medical part. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:00:23 Here's the deal.

1:00:24 Caller Looking to hook up. Call the Dateline.

1:00:25 Drew Stick a waste in time with the wrong person.

1:00:27 Call the Dateline.

1:00:30 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:00:36 If you need help, call Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:00:59 Adam Andy Dick in studio tonight, the great Andy Dick. Andy's on a raw food kick. He just opened a bar that seems like, I like a little taste of that. It's a raw, what is it, Andy?

1:01:11 Drew You might not like it. It's a pumpkin seeds, flax seeds.

1:01:16 Adam I'm a seed guy.

1:01:18 Drew Dates, agave, nectar, and sea salt.

1:01:21 Andy Dick Gonna eat them right in the mics, guys? You have to, yeah. It's a little bit like, yeah, barks, sawdust. This is back to your giving stage and eating pine cones.

1:01:34 Adam What do I like about Drew? Drew's a doctor, but he loves himself a nice, greasy slab of meat. He's like a pig. When he found out my cholesterol level, told me to go sick, told me to eat whatever I wanted.

1:01:49 Andy Dick I don't remember, what'd you say, so?

1:01:51 Adam I told you what my cholesterol was, and you went, eh, go do whatever you want.

1:01:54 Andy Dick What was it?

1:01:55 Adam Yeah, it was whatever, it was low. You told me to go nuts. So then I started eating butter with everything.

1:02:01 Andy Dick Good.

1:02:02 Adam By the cube. Now I eat breakfast, now I just take a cube of butter and I just roll it in some shredded wheat.

1:02:08 Drew Putting sticks of butter up your bum. After rolling it in the Wheaties.

1:02:14 Adam Yeah, keister butter. All right, you ready to rock? Tell you what I like to do, Drew. By the way, you can talk sometimes from eating or doing something else.

1:02:25 Andy Dick All right, let's take a call. This is now Jessica18.

1:02:30 Adam Hold on, buddy. Not so fast. Let me say this.

1:02:34 Andy Dick If we're gonna be playing. Why do you think I don't talk? If I start doing something I wanna do. No, no, no, no.

1:02:39 Adam No, just start talking. We just could talk about something else. Say something about Andy Dick or something.

1:02:43 Andy Dick I like what they call.

1:02:44 Adam Once in a blue moon, I lean over, I have to sneeze or something, and I realize, oh, it's dead air. I had a hiccup, and now we don't hear anything.

1:02:52 Talk to the guest.

1:02:53 Andy Dick When you start hammering somebody down every time they open their mouth, you stop talking. That's what happens, exactly what happens.

1:03:00 Adam No, interview Andy, come on. No, look, you can see sometimes I have to sneeze and stuff, I pull away.

1:03:05 Andy Dick Yeah, so let me think, let me think, call.

1:03:06 Adam It's dead air.

1:03:07 Caller Interview Andy from Saturday Night Live.

1:03:10 Adam Yeah, interview Andy.

1:03:12 Drew I'm in no position to be interviewed.

1:03:14 Caller I'm eating. I know.

1:03:15 Adam I don't eat anymore, Andy. That's enough. Very rude.

1:03:18 Andy Dick Okay, who's advising you on this stuff?

1:03:21 Adam Me.

1:03:22 Andy Dick You must decide you did it yourself.

1:03:24 Adam You're listening to you? Mm-hmm. Think about that, Drew.

1:03:28 Andy Dick No, scary.

1:03:30 Adam Let's play Ace's Ranchero Mexican accordion countdown. Let me get finished with the title of the game, please. It's a long title. It is. How do you play it? How don't you play it? Here's how you play it.

1:03:43 Drew Ace's Ranchero accordion countdown.

1:03:47 Adam Yeah, here's the way it works. I've realized Ranchero music is some of the greatest music in the Latino community has to offer. On the earth. And Wagner, Bach, Verdi, you couldn't hold a candle to these fine folks with their silver teeth and their crazy hats and their novelty size hollowed out guitars. And the point is, is engineer Michelle, who does some weddings every once in a while, and God knows who'd want ranchero music playing during their wedding. But the point is, she does a little mobile DJing. Yeah, high end, high end stuff. She does a little mobile DJing. She has some great ranchero music and the accordion seems to be the cornerstone of ranchero music. And the question is, is how long before we hear accordion music? Now, what happens is Michelle just pots up a random ranchero song and we've not heard it before. And we guess when does the accordion come in? And how long before we hear the accordion? Drew, you wanna start?

1:04:50 Andy Dick Six seconds.

1:04:51 Adam Six seconds. A lifetime.

1:04:56 Drew If you overbid, you lose, right? Well, it's not like this, right?

1:05:00 Andy Dick No.

1:05:00 Adam Now, whoever's closest will go with. Whoever's closest.

1:05:03 Drew Then I'll just go with, cause you just said that's an eternity.

1:05:07 Adam Yeah, it's a long time.

1:05:08 Drew Okay, I'm gonna say three.

1:05:09 Adam Okay, how's that? Three, three seconds. I'm going.

1:05:12 Andy Dick You gotta go with your instant or 12.

1:05:14 Adam I'm going high. I'm going seven.

1:05:17 Andy Dick Okay.

1:05:17 Adam Oh, smart. All right, now hold on. Hold on, Michelle. Let us, let me get queued up to 10. You ready? And go.

1:05:28 Andy Dick That's an accordion, right?

1:05:35 Adam No, no, that was horns. That was horns you heard immediately.

1:05:38 Andy Dick So it was six seconds on the accordion.

1:05:42 Adam No, it was, it was, the first thing was horns. First thing was horns. Andy's a musician for Christ's sake. The first thing, no, the first was horns. And then the accordion kicked in about 12 seconds down the road. Was it that long? Can you go back?

1:05:56 Andy Dick 12 seconds?

1:05:57 Adam Okay, let's do it again. Okay, go from the part you started it from. And go. That's an accordion. That's immediately. All right, you win this round, my friend, but oh no, Andy wins.

1:06:13 Andy Dick Yeah, three seconds.

1:06:14 Adam Andy went with three seconds.

1:06:15 Drew She started it up from where she left off. You didn't start from the beginning.

1:06:19 Adam Right. No, you're right. That was accordion.

1:06:22 Drew Oh, you're supposed to be random like that, start in the middle.

1:06:25 Adam Yeah, let us enjoy it a little bit, by the way.

1:06:28 Drew It puts me in a good mood. Here, now I'm happy.

1:06:30 Adam Yeah, no, it's great music. Pond it up there. This is excellent. Drew, you would listen to this when you're studying for medical boards, right?

1:06:43 Andy Dick Well, in New England. In New England, Andy, we used to listen to this. This is everywhere. Every restaurant plays this music. So it's coming out and pouring out of every door.

1:06:52 Adam Mid 70s, New England, winter time.

1:06:54 Andy Dick Winter, February, mid 70s.

1:06:57 Drew It's pounding out of every kitchen.

1:07:00 Andy Dick No, no, no. Oh, no, no.

1:07:03 Drew You know where it's coming out of my apartment every day? My construction workers.

1:07:07 Andy Dick In the 70s, it was everywhere.

1:07:09 Drew Yes.

1:07:09 Adam Let me do a little recreation of what it's like down at the Corolla house with the construction.

1:07:15 Andy Dick We've got construction crews there all the time. Right. You do?

1:07:18 Adam Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.

1:07:20 Drew And that's the music you hear.

1:07:21 Adam Here's what happens. I come down.

1:07:23 Drew So I have it too at my apartment building.

1:07:25 Adam I come down in the garage about 9.30 in the morning. I've got a headache. I went to bed at 3.30. I watched a four hours of Hitler programming on some, I'm a little morose. And I come walking into the basement and here's where I was like, I gotta go. Ozzie, what are you doing?

1:07:44 Caller First off, I told you it's thin set, not a tuck trowel. You're using a hawk and you're using thin set.

1:08:01 Drew That's what my guy does right at that moment after he's touched up. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault!

1:08:09 Adam Just blaring in your head when you're having an argument with someone over what you've explained to them the night before.

1:08:13 Drew So your guys do the same thing then.

1:08:15 Adam Oh yeah.

1:08:16 Drew Like exactly. They can't, it's like they don't even speak English.

1:08:20 Adam They're trying to sabotage us. Andy, here's what I believe.

1:08:23 Drew I swear they were laughing at me today. They turned to each other and they must have said something like, he wants real bricks.

1:08:28 We'll give him real bricks.

1:08:30 Andy Dick I swear.

1:08:31 Drew And then they were both laughing. And as soon as I turned, they stopped laughing. I didn't know what they were saying.

1:08:35 Adam Yeah, you gotta figure.

1:08:36 Andy Dick Remember that paranoia you were talking about for the pot? I'm not sure it wore off.

1:08:39 Drew Well, I was speaking in Spanish and they were making fun of me and that's not paranoid.

1:08:43 Andy Dick How dare they?

1:08:43 Adam Imagine what they think of Andy Dick. They must have no idea what goes on in this country.

1:08:49 Drew I'm trying to act out the bricks. I try to act them out like, no. Like what did I say the other day? I went, no, cheapy, cheapy. I want the good stuff. Good, good, expensive. No, cheapy, cheapy.

1:09:03 Adam They're like, okay, Square Bay, why don't you go do another sitcom?

1:09:06 Drew You a**. They say, it's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

1:09:15 Andy Dick I love Ozzie and his barbecue, though.

1:09:16 Adam They're happier.

1:09:17 Drew Are you laughing at Adam?

1:09:19 Andy Dick The best barbecue.

1:09:21 Adam I got a guy fires up a barbecue every Friday.

1:09:25 Drew That's what my guy does. He says, when I do, when I finish these floors, we have a barbecue.

1:09:30 Adam You pay.

1:09:31 Drew Yeah.

1:09:33 Andy Dick It's good.

1:09:34 Drew I don't eat the meat, though.

1:09:37 Andy Dick You just start cheating a little bit.

1:09:39 Adam If you had Ozzie's flank steak, I mean, what's it, heroin? If you've had Ozzie's flank steak.

1:09:44 Andy Dick Unbelievable.

1:09:45 Drew Unbelievable. You come over and have the food with Ozzie?

1:09:48 Andy Dick Oh, yeah.

1:09:48 Adam It's spectacular. I'm not even there most of the time. It's just having a barbecue.

1:09:52 Drew Where's your house?

1:09:53 Adam It's up Lake Hollywood Way.

1:09:55 Drew Oh, that's a nice area. What about you guys? What's gonna happen with real estate with the whole Bush thing? Is it gonna go up? Is it gonna go down? Is it gonna stabilize? I just wanna know. Should I buy now? Should I wait?

1:10:05 Adam Wait.

1:10:06 Andy Dick I don't think it hurt to wait.

1:10:07 Adam They say the interest rates are going up and they say that prices are gonna come down a little bit. So stabilize a little bit.

1:10:14 Andy Dick But then he should buy now if that's the case because he doesn't want the higher rates.

1:10:17 Adam Well, I, okay.

1:10:17 Andy Dick Take out a huge loan and wait to buy the house.

1:10:19 Adam That's right. I can front you if you need something for the down.

1:10:23 Drew You're making a lot of money.

1:10:24 Adam I just literally a millionaire.

1:10:26 Andy Dick Literally.

1:10:26 Caller Literally. Literally.

1:10:28 Adam Jessica.

1:10:29 Andy Dick Literally.

1:10:29 Adam Literally.

1:10:30 Andy Dick Seriously. Literally. Literally.

1:10:31 Adam Literally. Jessica.

1:10:35 Andy Dick He has it with all his taxi pays. He has his own squad car.

1:10:37 Adam That's right.

1:10:38 Andy Dick Literally.

1:10:39 Adam Literally a millionaire.

1:10:40 Andy Dick Yes.

1:10:40 Adam Jessica, 18.

1:10:42 Andy Dick His own trash collection.

1:10:42 Adam All right, quiet room, not biting. Go ahead.

1:10:46 Drew Like George Lucas, his own ranch.

1:10:53 Caller Well, I guess my boyfriend, he's to be my fiance. My best friend's been trying to go after him. And since I moved out of his house and back in with my mom, I live farther away and he's a hard boy.

1:11:07 Andy Dick Why did you move out?

1:11:08 Adam It's like a mad lib of questions, by the way. Your fiance, your ex-boyfriend, what's going on?

1:11:13 Andy Dick Yeah, yeah, no.

1:11:14 Caller Not an ex-boyfriend, but-

1:11:15 Andy Dick No, no, let me get this focused. Don't do that to her. Why'd you leave the boyfriend and move in with your mom?

1:11:21 Caller He's 27, and his parole officer came over.

1:11:26 Andy Dick And said I was too young. What was he in jail for?

1:11:30 Caller I don't, I think battery or robbery or robbery assaults.

1:11:35 Andy Dick You're living with an ex-con, you don't know what he was in jail for?

1:11:38 Adam She knows it's not forgery or counterfeiting. She knows she did something.

1:11:42 Caller I know what it was, but I don't. I don't pay attention to these things.

1:11:45 Andy Dick It doesn't-

1:11:46 Adam No, listen, she knows what it is, it's bad.

1:11:49 Andy Dick Yeah, she's afraid to really let it in. So she's gonna gloss it over as I, whatever, I, something, but it's something hideous, obviously.

1:11:56 Adam Yeah, people's memory gets horrible when it's stuff that's embarrassing or negative.

1:12:00 Andy Dick They don't wanna acknowledge you.

1:12:02 Drew Well, a parole officer means you were in prison.

1:12:05 Andy Dick I know, and the question was, what was he in prison for? Actually, it's nothing.

1:12:08 Drew Battery. If you're in prison, it's something bad, right?

1:12:10 Andy Dick What was he in prison for?

1:12:11 Andy Dick That's what it is, robbery and battery.

1:12:15 Andy Dick Robbery and battery.

1:12:16 Drew There you go.

1:12:18 Andy Dick No, you said it was battery or something. I don't really know. Pay attention. Robbery and battery.

1:12:22 Drew What did he beat them with? His fists or did he pistol whip them? With his penis. It's so funny, that's funny.

1:12:31 Adam That's funny.

1:12:32 Drew I'm all pistol whip you, lady.

1:12:34 Adam What the?

1:12:34 Caller You know what?

1:12:36 Drew I will, too.

1:12:37 Andy Dick So you moved out because what, your mom got freaked out that you were living with a criminal or an ex-con? So why did you move out?

1:12:45 Caller Well, because his parole officer came over. He wasn't there and his parole officer didn't like me. He ran my name on the computer and said that I was lying to him. So he thought, he thinks I'm a liar and he doesn't like me.

1:12:58 Drew Just be happy your vagina is not bleeding.

1:13:01 Andy Dick Why did you move out?

1:13:03 Caller Well, because his parole officer said I wasn't allowed to be there anymore. Said, well, you're only 18, you know, that's too young for him because he's 27. And so I was with my mom until he can move and get a new parole officer.

1:13:18 Adam And tell you, all right, hold on a second.

1:13:20 Drew But what's the question? I don't know.

1:13:21 Adam I don't know, but it's time to play another round of Aces right there on the recording and countdown. I mean, so that's gold. We know that.

1:13:28 Drew I'm sticking with three.

1:13:29 Adam You're sticking with three?

1:13:30 Andy Dick Jessica has to be an addict to be that convoluted in her thinking.

1:13:34 Adam Super Lily White trash, but we'll get back with that in a second, Drew. Let's not let it influence the game.

1:13:40 Andy Dick After all, we're here to play.

1:13:41 Adam You're going instant.

1:13:42 Andy Dick Instant.

1:13:43 Adam You're going instant.

1:13:44 Andy Dick Immediate.

1:13:44 Adam You're going three seconds.

1:13:46 Andy Dick I remember she's got that weird stuff that goes for like 24 seconds without an accordion.

1:13:49 Adam I know, that's why I'm going.

1:13:51 Andy Dick A nouveau with ranchero.

1:13:53 Adam Yeah, that's not your grandfather's ranchero music. This is his grandfather's ranchero. No, super old, you know what I'm saying? No, I'm going crazy. I'm going crazy. I'm going 12 seconds here, 12 seconds for the accordion.

1:14:07 Andy Dick Andy and Matt, three, oh three again, I'm sorry.

1:14:10 Adam All right, wait till we get to 10 seconds here. Two, one, go.

1:14:30 Andy Dick What happened there?

1:14:31 Adam I'm gonna have a seizure, that's why. It's great, it's great.

1:14:36 Drew He was doing that with his tongue too.

1:14:38 Adam It's why we can't judge because everything is equally beautiful. Well, this is superior.

1:14:45 Andy Dick Why can't we judge?

1:14:46 Adam There's nothing wrong with calling this superior. It's great.

1:14:50 Andy Dick That's how you can judge.

1:15:11 Drew No, because you're just going to rerun that over and over.

1:15:16 Adam Yes, we are. Yeah, you're in.

1:15:21 Drew Turn it up a little more.

1:15:23 Adam Turn your cans up a little, Andy. Andy, you've got a flair for this kind of music.

1:15:34 Drew I like it.

1:15:35 Caller Are you Mexican?

1:15:36 Drew I think part of me is.

1:15:38 Adam Oh, you're set accordion.

1:15:39 Drew You know what? I'll tell you what. Remember the woman who had the kidney transplant? I had a transplant of my testicles. They were transplanted with Mexican jumping beans. Mexican jumping beans.

1:15:57 Caller Come on.

1:15:57 Adam Keep singing.

1:16:00 Drew Turn my music up.

1:16:00 Andy Dick Let me guess the lyrics.

1:16:01 Adam Turn your own music up.

1:16:27 Caller That's good.

1:16:29 Andy Dick Oh wait.

1:16:43 Adam We got to focus now. We got people calling in, they got real problems.

1:16:47 Drew We have people who really have bleeding vaginas.

1:16:49 Andy Dick Breaking it down here.

1:16:50 Adam Let's talk to Jessica.

1:16:52 Andy Dick We talked to Jessica.

1:16:52 Adam Now Jessica had-

1:16:53 Andy Dick Oh, you're the white trash.

1:16:54 Adam 27-year-old boyfriend, parole officer.

1:16:57 Drew Let her go figure it out. Let her smoke some more crap.

1:17:00 Andy Dick I need to clarify a few more things, Jessica. How did your, this is your best friend, told you that she was going after your fiancee, Jessica? Oh, God.

1:17:12 Adam The Ranchero music overtook her.

1:17:14 Drew She was upset.

1:17:15 Adam It's an emotional music. Sometimes-

1:17:17 Andy Dick Very much so, you just overcome.

1:17:18 Adam You're overcome. You really are. Yeah, yeah. I remember at the end of a love story, I think they played that. Love story. Or Ryan O'Neil.

1:17:27 Andy Dick Oh, and-

1:17:29 Adam Yeah.

1:17:30 Andy Dick Bob Evans' wife.

1:17:31 Adam Yeah, the name Bob Evans gets ink. Yeah, Ally.

1:17:37 Andy Dick Ally McGrath.

1:17:37 Adam Ally McGrath.

1:17:38 Andy Dick Yeah, well, the ranchero music played throughout, I mean. Yeah, but during the climax, you've seen it again. No, no, he's sitting in the snow by himself.

1:17:46 Adam He's in the snow, he's thinking about her, and they're just playing it.

1:17:51 Andy Dick Right.

1:17:51 Adam Right.

1:17:53 Andy Dick Well, yeah, Northeast New England, this is the music of the winter.

1:17:57 Drew China is bleeding because my mag light. You're 22?

1:18:03 Adam Yeah. You're 22?

1:18:04 Drew It's too big for my China.

1:18:05 Adam You have a question for Andy?

1:18:07 Caller Yeah, I certainly do. How are you guys doing?

1:18:09 Adam Great.

1:18:10 Drew Great.

1:18:11 Caller How's it going, Dick?

1:18:12 Drew It's awesome. I'm happy.

1:18:15 Adam Are you happy?

1:18:17 Caller Andy, I had a question for you.

1:18:19 Drew Oh God, is it nice?

1:18:21 Adam Are you having fun with it?

1:18:22 Caller No, no, no, it's a serious question. Looking in hindsight, would you have done the drug use again or would you have left that part out of your life?

1:18:31 Drew No, that's a really actually a very good question. It's a good question. There are many, many days where I highly regret the amount of drugs and how often I did drugs and when I did them at some time. I remember doing, here's an example. I remember doing a reading of a movie called Michelle and Romy's High School Reunion. I was going to be in that movie. Everyone else who was at the reading was in it.

1:19:01 Adam Lisa Kudrow.

1:19:02 Drew Everyone else at the reading was in it.

1:19:04 Adam Right.

1:19:05 Drew I was that guy that, I don't know, he was a big actor they got. Came down in the helicopter at the end.

1:19:11 Adam Didn't see the movie.

1:19:12 Drew It's actually a good movie. Lisa Kudrow's really, if you wanna, anyway, good acting. Lisa Kudrow's really good in it. I really like her as an actress. Okay, so anyways, I don't know, I had a hard night the night before or whatever.

1:19:27 Adam Come on, Anderson.

1:19:29 Drew My point is, is that I had, I took, like a Valium or something like that, or more than that, more than one. I really don't remember, but I do remember feeling out of it and turning to Lisa and saying, boy, the Valium's really kicking in at this point. Like, right before the reading. And that's just like, people.

1:19:51 Adam Could have got the job.

1:19:52 Drew Well, people look at you like, what a pathetic, moronic loser.

1:19:57 Andy Dick Why is he here with us?

1:19:59 Drew You know, and I didn't get the job.

1:20:00 Andy Dick I have people that say that for the period of life, sometimes when they were using it was life-saving for them.

1:20:06 Drew Yes, and that's the other side to it. There's a dichotomy. I honestly might not be alive had it not been for the drugs.

1:20:14 Adam Could have killed yourself.

1:20:15 Drew I used to call it my medicine and daddy needs his baba.

1:20:19 Andy Dick During the time it was working for you, but yeah.

1:20:23 Drew But then sometimes it stops working.

1:20:24 Andy Dick Well, and then it has it, then the disease kicks in.

1:20:26 Drew Right, yeah.

1:20:27 Adam All right, let's take a.

1:20:29 Drew No, but that's a very, I didn't really answer. Would I go back? No, because it's impossible to answer. I can't look back and say, you know what? I wish I could relive my life and never do drugs because I'll tell you, I got into the second city because I drank three to five margaritas. I was very loose. I was very happy. I was very excitable. Margaritas are a different kind of drunk. They give you a little.

1:20:52 Adam Let me tell you what kind of music comes.

1:20:53 Drew It's like shoving 20 Mexican jumping beans up your butt.

1:20:55 Adam I'll tell you what kind of music goes nicely with the margarita.

1:20:59 Drew Do it.

1:20:59 Adam I'll tell you why they.

1:21:04 Drew He's trying to find it. Anderson's trying to find it on the radio. My vagina, so I would say that I can't do it. I can't go back and change anything.

1:21:16 Andy Dick It's unanswerable.

1:21:16 Drew It's unanswerable. I would not change anything because I like where I'm at today. I like where I'm at today. I like the fact that I'm alive. I like the fact that I've been through some hard times in my life that I can reach out to another person and help them.

1:21:31 Adam God bless you. Andy Dick, everybody, in studio tonight, reaching out, helping. You can reach out and help Andy by watching the Less Than Perfect on ABC.

1:21:42 Drew It doesn't help me.

1:21:42 Andy Dick Get his new K-Tail hit.

1:21:43 Drew Yeah, it doesn't help me.

1:21:44 Adam Yeah, go out and pick up his new 45, by the way.

1:21:47 Drew In stores, at Thanksgiving.

1:21:49 Adam He's got a new single out.

1:21:50 Drew By Thanksgiving.

1:21:51 Andy Dick Ranchero.

1:21:51 Drew It's a Ranchero.

1:21:52 Andy Dick Andy sings Ranchero.

1:21:53 Drew Andy sings Ranchero. The number one hit is My Vagina is Bleeding.

1:21:58 Andy Dick It's great.

1:22:04 Adam Thank you. Let's take a little break. We'll be right back after this.

1:22:10 Caller If you need help... Call Loveline.

1:22:13 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:22:27 Adam Perfect.

1:22:27 Caller Hey everyone! Loveline.

1:22:29 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Dear, dear, dear, dear friend Andy Dick in the studio tonight.

1:22:34 Drew God bless you.

1:22:35 Adam Andy's a guy who's, I don't know, I think the perception is crazy, out of control, but a sweet, sweet person, open book.

1:22:44 Andy Dick Sweet spirit.

1:22:45 Adam Sweet spirit, open book, and ultimately a very likable guy.

1:22:49 Drew Yeah, crazy like a fox.

1:22:51 Adam Probably gets away with more than he should because he's so likable.

1:22:55 Drew Yeah?

1:22:56 Andy Dick Yes.

1:22:57 Adam Yeah.

1:22:57 Andy Dick But he struggles.

1:22:58 Adam He struggles.

1:22:59 Drew Struggle in my own head.

1:23:01 Adam Are you having a good time?

1:23:03 Drew Are you happy?

1:23:03 Adam Are you happy?

1:23:04 Drew This is what I get a lot. Is everything okay?

1:23:07 Andy Dick That's the one you get. Are you okay?

1:23:09 Drew And my friends get it. How's Andy doing?

1:23:11 Caller Is he okay?

1:23:13 Drew Like I'm a retard.

1:23:14 Adam It's a little twist on the art. It's, are you okay? Can we not get you something? You know, because with Andy, you don't want.

1:23:22 Drew Can we not get you something?

1:23:24 Adam Yeah, you having fun? Is it fun?

1:23:26 Drew God, so many times I've had that. So many times I've had to just sneak drinking. Cause I want to, you know, I want to have fun like the next guy. And I want to just have a beer sometimes. But I can't ever do anything of the sort. No such thing for Mr. Dickman.

1:23:43 Adam That's right.

1:23:44 Drew But so how many, I have to, if I ever.

1:23:46 Andy Dick We know what happens though. You know what happens too.

1:23:48 Drew I think I've snuck drinks on this show.

1:23:50 Adam Is that, is that a pressure?

1:23:52 Drew Not tonight.

1:23:53 Adam You got into your Boda bag, Drew. Is there a thing where Andy, because he's an alcohol, because he's an addict, cannot touch.

1:24:01 Andy Dick You tell him, you tell him.

1:24:03 Caller Alcohol?

1:24:04 Drew No, if I can, sometimes I can manage it.

1:24:07 Adam No, what happens, but what happens if you start chipping away with the alcohol?

1:24:11 Caller What happens?

1:24:12 Drew Ultimately for me, it always does spiral down.

1:24:14 Adam You get effed up and then you go get some Coke, right?

1:24:17 Drew Usually I almost always wind up looking for some other hardcore drug, yeah. Usually, but if I try really hard and grit my teeth, grind them and grip onto the table, and they call it white knuckling if you're trying to stay sober. But if I really try to just have one to five glasses of wine at dinner, look, see, I'm done. I had five, let's go. I'm gonna go home and go to bed now.

1:24:43 Adam Really?

1:24:43 Drew Yeah, it's like really hard. What about pot?

1:24:45 Adam Because let me just say this and you tell me. Here's the thing about booze. When you get drunk, it sort of makes you want to do things you really shouldn't do.

1:24:54 Drew Yeah, it does.

1:24:55 Adam Like you go, okay, I want to order a pizza. I want to get a hooker. I want to get some like stump porn. I got to do something. I got to get an A-Fault. We got to keep the night going. You start going down at sort of negative, scary, thrill, thrill packed road.

1:25:07 Drew After a certain amount of, yeah.

1:25:08 Adam Booze does it to you. Weed is a little more like, geez, I don't want to get out and go out. I don't want to drive. I don't want to get busted. I'm gonna hang in.

1:25:16 Drew Fall asleep.

1:25:17 Adam Right, so can you smoke weed?

1:25:21 Drew Yeah, I mean, I can do all of it. No, I'm still alive.

1:25:24 Adam I know, but I mean.

1:25:24 Drew I'm still alive.

1:25:25 Adam What I'm just curious about is, if you smoke the joint and you're at home, would you be as apt to want to go out and get some coke as if you were drunk?

1:25:34 Drew Well, I would probably want to go get some beer. Oh, and then, uh-huh, interesting.

1:25:41 Andy Dick The other thing, there would not be just getting high today. Next thing, next thing, next thing. All right, that's the thing with the pot.

1:25:49 Adam All right, Drew, get on the mic there, buddy. All right, go, but, okay, but good times.

1:25:56 But are you happy?

1:25:57 Drew How you doing?

1:25:58 Adam How you doing?

1:26:00 Andy Dick And I'm struggling with his medicine, which he drinks it. Clean, only at night. Only at night.

1:26:04 Drew I never took any medication, by the way. You know that, right?

1:26:08 Andy Dick Yes, that's good.

1:26:08 Drew Oh, yeah, because you know what? If I'm gonna do drugs, I wanna get high.

1:26:12 Andy Dick You wanna do the dangerous ones.

1:26:13 Drew Yeah, well, I wanna have fun.

1:26:15 Andy Dick The harmful ones.

1:26:15 Adam Anybody's a temple. Travis?

1:26:19 Caller Yeah.

1:26:20 Adam What's up?

1:26:22 Caller Well, one day I was masturbating. This was about when I was 16. And I pinched it off because they wanted to go everywhere. And it's hurt ever since, not every time I pee, but most of the time.

1:26:34 Caller Liar, liar whore, liar whore, you know it.

1:26:37 Andy Dick That actually happens, Anderson.

1:26:39 Drew But is that gonna go away for him?

1:26:40 Andy Dick It could, but you can cause problems with the urethra and the sphincter can dysfunction. There can be a lot of little things that can go wrong with that. If it really keeps hurting when you urinate, you need to see a urologist. It's probably gonna be no big deal, but you can cause some problems with that.

1:26:55 Drew That sounds absolutely horrible. Did it balloon out?

1:26:59 Andy Dick It's like trying not to vomit when you're, you know, mid vomit.

1:27:02 Drew Or stifling a sneeze. Which is not good.

1:27:05 Adam If I pinched it off at orgasm, I'd have like a detached retina. It wouldn't even be the penis that was hurt by eyeball.

1:27:11 Andy Dick You'd be like one of those little squirty dolls with the-

1:27:14 Adam Talking about ear bleeding. And I would run out of the house, like, you know when a dog's gonna vomit? And you just pick it up, you start running for the front door. I would do that with my sack. Just up, up, up, pfft, right, right into the planter box.

1:27:32 Caller I actually, I have been a urologist and you said that I have prostateitis or something like that.

1:27:36 Andy Dick Yeah, you inflamed the prostate, sure.

1:27:38 Adam But for four years?

1:27:40 Caller Oh yeah, I actually didn't have insurance until just now. I just started working at Safeway, so I got insurance.

1:27:45 Andy Dick Let me get this straight, you did this four years ago?

1:27:46 Adam No, he did this when he was 16. Come on, Drew, you gotta listen.

1:27:48 Drew Did you get that? One time or did you do it many times?

1:27:51 Caller It was just one time, but it's hurt ever since. Not every time and not every time I have sex.

1:27:57 Drew Where were you that you, I have to ask one question. Where were you that you didn't want to get it on all over the place? What was it, where were you?

1:28:03 Adam It was at a gym.

1:28:04 Caller My homework on my desk.

1:28:06 Andy Dick Homework.

1:28:07 Drew And you were standing over it?

1:28:09 Adam Hold on, you're beating off on like, we the people or?

1:28:13 Andy Dick He just took a break from his homework.

1:28:15 Drew Because he was sitting at his desk and he's a shooter. He's a shooter.

1:28:20 Adam Well, I guess.

1:28:21 Caller All right, hold on.

1:28:23 Adam Travis, you really, you couldn't avoid your homework?

1:28:26 Caller No, but now since then I just let it go all over the place.

1:28:32 Drew I like, screw it.

1:28:33 Andy Dick But you said it hurts when you pee. Is that what you said?

1:28:36 Caller Not every time, but pretty much most of the time.

1:28:39 Andy Dick Then you switch that to, it hurts when I ejaculate.

1:28:43 Caller No, it doesn't hurt when I ejaculate. It hurts afterwards. It's just when I pee. It doesn't hurt when I ejaculate. I notice it's hard to get an erection sometimes or like hard to keep it hard. And I was wondering if that would, if it would affect my growth at all.

1:29:01 Adam Well, he's short.

1:29:02 Andy Dick No.

1:29:03 Adam Oh, small penis.

1:29:04 Andy Dick No, no, no, no. But you may need something called a cystoscopy where they kind of look up there and see how the urethral tract is doing.

1:29:09 Drew Oh, that's horrible. It's probably not going to be growing anymore.

1:29:13 Andy Dick At 20, maybe one more year. If you're having erectile dysfunction, maybe you should yell something out.

1:29:20 Adam No, he wasn't going to yell something out. He had a question. Travis, did you have more question?

1:29:25 Caller Yeah, just one more. Is there like a valve down there or something?

1:29:28 Andy Dick Yeah. Yeah, there is and that can dysfunction. You can get little irregularities in the surface of the urethra too. All right.

1:29:35 Adam Let's listen. Let's start focusing, Drew. Let's go. Let's break it down, buddy. Didn't hear half that guy's question. Let's go, Andy. We got a show to do, everybody.

1:29:43 Andy Dick All right.

1:29:43 Adam We're gonna take one more call and then it's time for round three of Ace's Mexican Ranchero recording countdown.

1:29:50 Andy Dick We can do it in Germany or Florida for Andy too.

1:29:51 Adam Oh, a little about of Germany or Florida would be fun too.

1:29:55 Drew Oh yeah, yeah. I played that. I like that one.

1:29:57 Adam Yeah, yeah. Let's see how you do sober. All right. So let's get to Lauren. Lauren is 19 years of age. And Lauren?

1:30:05 Caller Well.

1:30:06 Adam You want to donate an egg to make some money for your tuition?

1:30:11 Caller Yes, I do. I'm thinking about it. But I was wondering if there's any like medical repercussions like for me later on or any other bad things?

1:30:22 Adam Before we get to the boring stuff, let's try to see if we can fix a price on this egg.

1:30:27 Drew Yeah, that's what I was wondering. How much is it?

1:30:29 Adam Well, they vary.

1:30:30 Drew How much do they go for?

1:30:31 Adam They vary.

1:30:32 Drew Depending on the state.

1:30:33 Caller This one place I'm talking to starts at $5,000.

1:30:37 Andy Dick Per egg or per harvest?

1:30:38 Caller Per, it says, I don't know.

1:30:41 Caller Either per egg or per harvest.

1:30:43 Caller Probably harvest, but if you are compatible with people, like depending on what you look like and your SAT scores and like that kind of thing, you get more money.

1:30:54 Adam Yeah, I know this. So let's talk about you or try to set a price. How tall are you?

1:31:03 Drew Would my sperm go for a lot of money? Cause I'll look into that, because I'm me.

1:31:07 Adam Yeah, I'll tell you, Andy Dick's sperm could fetch a pretty penny on the Asian market.

1:31:13 Drew I'm thinking.

1:31:14 Adam They have quite a taste for the macabre over there.

1:31:17 Drew I'm thinking for the macabre.

1:31:21 Adam Andy Dick charge fin soup.

1:31:24 Drew I'll go out there and just set up a stand saying Andy Dick juice, five grand a cup.

1:31:29 Adam Oh yeah.

1:31:30 Drew Five grand a shot. I don't care if you drink it or get pregnant by it.

1:31:33 Andy Dick Bear pancreas chaser.

1:31:35 Adam Yeah, all right, Andy, it's not all about your seed. Let's talk to Lauren.

1:31:39 Drew Andy Dick juice.

1:31:40 Adam Lauren.

1:31:40 Drew Five grand a pop.

1:31:42 Adam All right, so let's see if we can work the price here. We'll just start at five grand. I'll tell you what, let's start at 10 grand.

1:31:50 Drew Well, my price just went up then.

1:31:52 Adam 10 grand.

1:31:52 Andy Dick So, let's talk about Lauren. What's your SAT score?

1:31:55 Adam So, hold on, you're five two, right?

1:31:58 Drew I'm five 10 and I'm blonde.

1:32:00 Andy Dick Lauren.

1:32:02 Adam Lauren. Can she hear us now?

1:32:05 Drew Did she drop off?

1:32:07 Andy Dick Call her, goes by Lauren. There she goes.

1:32:09 Drew Lauren.

1:32:10 Adam I think she just hung up.

1:32:11 Andy Dick Weird.

1:32:12 Drew She's mad.

1:32:13 Andy Dick There she is.

1:32:14 Adam She's mad.

1:32:14 Drew She's mad because I'm gone.

1:32:15 Adam Lauren, you're gone?

1:32:18 Andy Dick I think she knew it was coming.

1:32:19 Adam She knew it was coming. But here's the whole problem. That half these women that want to sell their eggs or trolls who have GEDs and have a problem with the chewing tobacco consumption. And they're like, look, listen, Elvira, nobody wants that dumb seed of yours. No one wants that stupid egg. It's not worth anything. Remember, you start waving around, I would run.

1:32:44 Andy Dick I think that's what they say when they do the induction interview.

1:32:47 Adam Yeah.

1:32:48 Andy Dick All right. But here's the deal. They do have to over-stimulate the ovaries. You can outstrip the ovaries blood supply. They can die. There's concerns that it may increase the risk of ovarian cancer later in life, affect fertility. It's a procedure you have to go through in terms of harvesting the eggs. It's not without risk. So yeah, you are absolutely putting yourself in harm's way, but if it's worth it to you, there you go.

1:33:08 Drew But my sperm stays alive in a Dixie cup for months.

1:33:11 Adam Absolutely.

1:33:12 Andy Dick Months.

1:33:12 Adam I've tested it.

1:33:14 Drew I've kept it at the right temperature.

1:33:15 Andy Dick Close.

1:33:16 Drew It stays, wow.

1:33:17 Adam All right, let's talk to what, let's hold on. Let's talk to David here for a second. David thinks we're discriminating against Mexicans by doing Ace's Mexican accordion, Ranchero.

1:33:28 Drew Even my hit song?

1:33:29 Adam Yeah, what about Andy's hit song, David?

1:33:31 Drew My vagina is bleeding.

1:33:33 Caller Your vagina is bleeding. Yeah, your vagina is bleeding.

1:33:36 Drew How does that discriminate?

1:33:38 Caller I understand that.

1:33:38 Adam David, go ahead. And then we're gonna ask you to play the game with us.

1:33:42 Caller All right, I'll be honored to play the game with you. I just feel it's wrong, you know? I mean, Mexicans come straight from Mexico, probably border jumpers, wherever they are. But they try their hardest. They go out, make a few million dollars. Same thing as the music industry. I've been playing music for three or four years already in dance and stuff like that all around the world. Like all around everywhere. I've been playing gigs and stuff like that, but it's no big deal.

1:34:04 Adam Do you hold on a second? Quiet down. Do you play ranchero music?

1:34:08 Caller No, no, no, no. I play rock.

1:34:10 Adam Oh, you play rock.

1:34:10 Drew But we like ranchero music. We're not kidding.

1:34:14 Adam Yeah, we're big fans.

1:34:16 Drew And the program director is Hispanic.

1:34:18 Caller So my vagina is bleeding as a big fan of ranchero music.

1:34:24 Adam Yeah, now look, I gotta be honest with you. The music blows. It sucks.

1:34:28 Drew I like it.

1:34:29 Adam And look, I'll tell you what else blows.

1:34:31 Drew I like it.

1:34:32 Adam Flan blows too, for the most part.

1:34:34 Caller Any typical white person would say the music will blow.

1:34:37 Caller I honestly agree with you.

1:34:39 Adam Right.

1:34:39 Caller But you're coming from a Mexican's point of view.

1:34:43 Adam All right, all right, look. Here's all I'm saying.

1:34:46 Caller It's just discrimination towards Mexicans.

1:34:49 Adam No, please. I don't want to be that even handed about anything. There's certain things in certain cultures that suck. Certain foods, certain music, certain things. Now there's certain things that you guys nail on the head. At the aforementioned Margarita is, is one thing that- Ceviche, I do a nice job with too. The Ranchero music. Well, you dropped the ball on that one. That's fine. I think it's discrimination, not to say when other things suck, by the way. Because then what you get there is you just have people that are patronizing.

1:35:20 Caller But from the music that's going on right now, like the killers. Somebody told me, you have a boy. What the hell is that? I mean, you got that and you got Ranchero music.

1:35:27 Adam Yeah, you're right. We don't like those guys either. Yeah, no one likes those guys. Oh, no, we're thinking of the darkness.

1:35:33 Andy Dick Oh, the darkness.

1:35:35 Caller The darkness blows really bad.

1:35:37 Adam Yeah, they blow.

1:35:37 Drew How dare David say that? I'm very offended.

1:35:39 Andy Dick You are? The darkness?

1:35:40 Adam Oh yeah, because Anderson's a white guy. All right, so listen, let you just play along with us, David.

1:35:46 Drew Sharing is good, but not when it's with needles, because then the only thing positive is your HIV test. Like I chimed in with myself there.

1:35:56 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:35:56 Adam All right, David, get off your high horse for a second and play Ace's Mexican Ranchero according countdown.

1:36:02 Caller So it's like a little freestyle towards it then.

1:36:05 Adam Pick a number. What do you think? Seven seconds. Seven seconds. I'm gonna put a D next. Okay, Andy, what do you got?

1:36:14 Drew I'm looking at her. Do you know? Does she know? See, she doesn't even know.

1:36:17 Adam Michelle doesn't know.

1:36:18 Drew And by the way, the program director is Hispanic. She's picking the music.

1:36:22 Adam Yes, she is.

1:36:23 Drew He has to know that.

1:36:23 Adam No, okay.

1:36:24 Drew Okay, I, five.

1:36:26 Adam Five seconds. Drew, what do you got?

1:36:27 Andy Dick Four.

1:36:28 Adam Four? Oh, you're going down. I'm going up then. I'm going eight.

1:36:31 Andy Dick Perfect.

1:36:32 Drew And what about our friend on the phone?

1:36:35 Adam He picked seven.

1:36:36 Drew Oh, good. Oh, good, he's playing. See, we're just having fun. We're just having fun.

1:36:41 Adam Now, hold on a second.

1:36:42 Drew Yes, sir. Oh, thanks. Thanks. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

1:36:46 Adam All right, quiet down. All right, now, you ready there? I'll cue you in five, four, three, two, one.

1:36:57 Andy Dick Oh, that was it.

1:36:58 Drew It was two.

1:36:58 Adam Two seconds, two seconds.

1:37:00 Andy Dick A lifetime.

1:37:01 Drew So I won, I won.

1:37:02 Adam By the way.

1:37:03 Andy Dick I thought I was the lowest.

1:37:04 Adam Lifetime in the- I picked five. You picked five, you picked four.

1:37:08 Drew Oh, you were.

1:37:09 Adam I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Are this, turn up just a little bit. David.

1:37:15 Drew Wait a minute.

1:37:16 Adam David.

1:37:17 Caller Yeah.

1:37:17 Drew This is the same-

1:37:19 Adam I'm sorry.

1:37:20 Caller You're off by-

1:37:23 Adam You're off by an eternity in the life of a Ranchero accordion player. Three and a half seconds.

1:37:29 Caller Yes, yes.

1:37:30 Adam Sorry, buddy. I missed that one too. Drew hit it right on the head though.

1:37:34 Caller Drew knows what he's doing, you know?

1:37:36 Andy Dick I love the Ranchero music.

1:37:37 Adam He's a pro. Thanks, David. And right, we love all people from all places. All right, should we take a little break?

1:37:44 Andy Dick No. Oh, it's high horse game.

1:37:47 Adam That's Drew's high horse.

1:37:47 Andy Dick That's David's high horse.

1:37:48 Adam All right, so Drew, you're off for just one second, right?

1:37:51 Andy Dick That's pretty good.

1:37:51 Adam Not bad. All right, Andy Dick in the studio tonight. TGIFNF, Friday Nights on ABC 930. We'll Less Than Perfect, take a quick break. Be right back after this.

1:38:05 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191, Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:38:25 Adam Everybody, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, Andy Dick in the studio, the great Andy Dick. I love Modest Mouse, sober and still as funny as ever. Yeah?

1:38:40 Drew Maybe, sometimes, sometimes.

1:38:42 Adam Wow, reflective Andy Dick in studio tonight. Let me tell you a little something called Less Than Perfect on ABC 930 on Friday nights. We're gonna get back to the phones and see what we can do to help the kitties cause I know Andy loves the kitties.

1:38:57 Drew I do like to help them out.

1:38:59 Adam Now Lauren, Lauren is 19 and she's back. We got cut off with her. I think she's married or at least dating the jailbird. Lauren?

1:39:09 Caller No, I'm not dating the jailbird. I'm the egg girl.

1:39:12 Adam Oh, you're the egg girl, sorry.

1:39:14 Caller Yeah, you wouldn't want the jailbird.

1:39:16 Caller I can't afford a landline, so I have to deal with the cell phone reception.

1:39:19 Adam All right, so she wants to sell an egg.

1:39:21 Andy Dick Well, you were gonna price her an egg.

1:39:22 Adam I'm gonna price her egg. I'll start at five grand. All right, let me just ask some important questions, Lauren.

1:39:28 Drew My sperm went up to 10 grand. Andy's is up, and I got a shot of my juice, Andy Dick juice, in a Dixie cup, and buy it quick, because if it sits down in the sun too long, it goes bad.

1:39:40 Adam It's not a great vintage, though, this year, Drew.

1:39:43 Andy Dick Bad year for jizz?

1:39:44 Adam Bad year, yeah. Last year was assertive without being pushy, had sort of a dry, nutty taste to it. If you like an oaky taste, it was good. It was good. If you like blackberry and oak, it was good. But this year, it's a little acidic, yeah. Maybe it's the raw food. Lauren. $5,000. Now, you're how tall? Five foot two, all right? So we're down to $3,500.

1:40:14 Drew I was gonna say knock a few off.

1:40:15 Adam We knocked a few off. How much do you weigh?

1:40:20 Caller 120?

1:40:21 Adam 120, like 120 or come on.

1:40:24 Caller 125, it fluctuates. I'm in college.

1:40:28 Adam Oh, fluctuate. I'll tell you what.

1:40:30 Drew You can go up to four grams.

1:40:31 Adam Five two and 125 means five one and change 135. It's a little bit hippie. I'm gonna go ahead and deduct 400 for that. We're at $3,100 now.

1:40:42 Andy Dick What are you majoring in?

1:40:44 Caller Chemistry and bio, pre-med.

1:40:46 Adam Oh, pre-med, pre-med, all right.

1:40:48 Andy Dick Where are you going to school? Yeah, keep it going.

1:40:51 Adam UC Irvine, good school? All right, we're at $4,600.

1:40:54 Andy Dick What was your SAT score?

1:40:59 Adam Almost 1,500? Wow, we're now, we're now at $6,300 and climbing.

1:41:05 Andy Dick Hair color? Eye color?

1:41:11 Drew I'm blonde, blue eyes.

1:41:12 Adam Sorry, we gotta deduct a little bit for that because let's face it.

1:41:16 Andy Dick 11 bucks, 11 bucks.

1:41:17 Adam No, no, the desirables are the blondes with the blue eyes. I'm sorry.

1:41:20 Drew I'm at $12.50.

1:41:21 Adam I wish it wasn't that way.

1:41:22 Drew I'm at $12.50 for a simple cup of my Andy Dick juice.

1:41:27 Andy Dick Yep, it's a bad year though. Fimble, fimbleful.

1:41:29 Adam Fimble, fimbleful. No.

1:41:30 Andy Dick We'll have to go to the caves again.

1:41:32 Drew I'll fill that cup from here.

1:41:33 Adam Worth six grand. What about cup size? Speaking of cups, your bra?

1:41:45 Drew C, the C's.

1:41:46 Adam All right, we'll move it up to six, $500. $500. How are your teeth, are they straight?

1:41:51 Caller Yeah, no braces, no braces, nothing.

1:41:53 Adam No braces and straight.

1:41:54 Drew Would you consider yourself beautiful, okay?

1:41:58 Caller Better than average, I guess.

1:42:00 Andy Dick Any family history of medical illnesses?

1:42:03 Caller None.

1:42:03 Drew Do you have a boyfriend? Way back.

1:42:09 Andy Dick But all the old ones get them. Yeah, how old was your grandfather when he developed it?

1:42:13 Drew 99.

1:42:14 Caller He was 65, they said it was from his job, though. He worked in a magnetic field and stuff and a lot of people also did.

1:42:21 Adam I'm gonna play it safe. It's still the Duck 250, but I'm giving you higher marks for straight teeth and gums are in good shape.

1:42:28 Caller Yeah. All right.

1:42:30 Adam So we're now at $6,850.

1:42:34 Andy Dick That's good.

1:42:34 Adam It's not a bad price. Not a bad price at all.

1:42:38 Andy Dick But did you hear me talk about the fact that there are some medical risks with this?

1:42:42 Drew Yeah.

1:42:42 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:42:43 Drew I dumped mine. I had no takers, I dumped mine out. I dumped my sperm on someone.

1:42:48 Andy Dick Rambalaj for a couple of years, tried to get some fizzy, but no.

1:42:50 Adam It's too bad. If you would have hung out long enough for Jed the Fish to get here, you probably could have found a taker.

1:42:56 Drew All right.

1:42:58 Adam You know what I'm saying, Drew? You know what I'm saying.

1:43:01 Drew Hey. Is he a little light in the livers? Is he a little fruit cup?

1:43:05 Adam Maybe one of them. All right, Drew, what are you saying? Should we take another call?

1:43:10 Drew I'm gonna wait.

1:43:11 Andy Dick Sure, Lauren's still talking to us.

1:43:13 Drew Well, let me hear a good call. I want a juicy one. I want as juicy as a cup of my Andy Dick juice.

1:43:18 Adam All right, so you told her the rest. All right, let's see. Who do you want, Drew? Fiance won't give her oral? Let's talk to them.

1:43:26 Caller Ann?

1:43:27 Andy Dick Yeah?

1:43:28 Adam You're 20?

1:43:29 Caller Yep.

1:43:29 Adam Your fiance won't give you oral sex?

1:43:32 Andy Dick Yep.

1:43:32 Adam Why does he say he won't do that?

1:43:34 Andy Dick Well, he's had a bunch of crazy exes and we've been together for way over a year now and I've done everything he wants to do. And he says that he's just not comfortable because he wants to know that he can completely trust me and he's like saving that part and I don't know.

1:43:52 Andy Dick What is he? That's a bunch of BS. Yeah, that's all BS.

1:43:55 Adam He just doesn't want to do it.

1:43:56 Andy Dick Yeah, this business, but what it was crazy exes have to do with anything?

1:43:59 Andy Dick I don't know, dude. I mean, he like just, I don't know. I just don't think it's fair. I'm getting frustrated.

1:44:04 Andy Dick Yeah, you have a crazy boyfriend.

1:44:06 Adam This is your fiance?

1:44:08 Andy Dick Yeah.

1:44:08 Adam Don't marry him. I don't care how great he is everywhere else, but in the sack, don't marry him.

1:44:14 Drew Marry him.

1:44:15 Andy Dick The fact that he's not willing. Oh, it's awesome.

1:44:17 Drew Marry a maglite.

1:44:19 Andy Dick But the fact that he won't do something that's important for you and then gives you sort of lying, obfuscating answers. Yeah. Well, then he needs to kind of get over it. If he's disgusted and can't handle it and this kind of stuff.

1:44:33 Andy Dick I just don't know if he has an issue or I honestly, I.

1:44:37 Andy Dick And he has an issue. He has an issue. Yes.

1:44:41 Andy Dick For some reason, I have a fear that he's never done it and maybe he's afraid of it.

1:44:45 Andy Dick It's something like that. It is something like that.

1:44:47 Andy Dick Or that he's a, you know, I mean, I take care of myself. So I know that's not a problem, you know?

1:44:53 Adam But. It's just good hygiene down there.

1:44:55 Andy Dick Right, right, got it.

1:44:57 Adam Take yourself down to the coin up car wash every once in a while.

1:45:01 Andy Dick I mean, he's 23, so I don't want to, you know, I mean. I'm sure he has, but part of me is like, I wonder if he hasn't because.

1:45:07 Adam And, and, and, and.

1:45:08 Andy Dick Assume he hasn't. He's so weird about it, assume he hasn't.

1:45:10 Adam And let me just say a couple of things.

1:45:12 Drew Is your vagina bleeding?

1:45:13 Andy Dick No, it's fine. No.

1:45:14 Adam You're not, you're not supposed to help.

1:45:16 Drew Okay, okay, don't get defensive. At least sing it to her. Mine is, and I'm fine with it.

1:45:21 Adam You guys should not even be thinking about going steady, much less getting married, for Christ's sake. You sound like you're 14. You can't talk to him about anything. You're sitting here, what? You're sitting here.

1:45:33 Andy Dick Fantasizing about things.

1:45:34 Adam Fantasizing about why it is he can't.

1:45:35 Andy Dick I've talked to him about it several times, and he just says that he knows that that's important, and he's fearful of it. That's my straight up opinion, and I've asked him, I've confronted him, and he always backs away from this.

1:45:47 Drew I have an idea.

1:45:48 Adam What?

1:45:48 Drew You say, I think something crawled up there, and when he goes down to look at it, you just hold his, you just put his head right down in there and just move around.

1:45:55 Adam Yeah, he's not going in. It's not like it's in Vietnam, and he's going down to the caves or something, push him into a plane. 45 in a flashlight.

1:46:05 Andy Dick Kind of forceful.

1:46:05 Adam All right. Don't marry him, don't marry him.

1:46:09 Andy Dick We're concerned.

1:46:10 Adam All right, we're concerned. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

1:46:13 Caller Alright guys, bottom line here's the deal. Looking to hook up. Sick of wasting time with the wrong person. One call is all you need to make.

1:46:19 Caller Call the dateline.

1:46:21 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:46:27 Caller Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:46:28 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:46:37 Caller The Axe Effect.

1:46:49 Adam Yeah, well that's it. I want to thank the great and sober Andy Dick for coming in the studio tonight.

1:46:55 Caller Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

1:46:56 Drew God bless both of you.

1:46:58 Adam Less than Perfect, ABC, Friday night, 930.

1:47:00 Drew It's a fun show.

1:47:02 Adam God bless you, Andy Dick. Thanks for coming in, and good luck with this sobriety.

1:47:07 Drew Thank you.

1:47:07 Adam We'll see you as soon as we can. Anthony Kitas from Red Hot Chili Peppers in tomorrow night, and until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:47:26 Drew Opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station.

1:47:33 Adam The producer for Loveline is Aningold.

1:47:35 Drew Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

1:48:15 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Wednesday, November 3, 2004