Episode 1000653273851

0:00 Adam Report Certified Physician, Diction Medicine Specialist. See the amber alerts on the right-hand row?

0:05 Drew Yes, I did.

0:06 Adam Yeah, a lot of...

0:07 Drew A Ford Thunderbird.

0:08 Adam 86. Yeah.

0:10 Drew Yeah, there's... Here's what struck me. 86 Thunderbird with a license plate beginning with the number five.

0:15 Adam Yeah.

0:16 Drew That means just purchased.

0:17 Adam Oh, is that what that means?

0:18 Drew It's a brand new, yeah. It's a new license plate.

0:20 Adam Five means new license plate.

0:22 Drew Yeah, it's five, then three letters, then three numbers. And they've just recently, you know, that's...

0:26 Adam That's how it goes?

0:27 Drew They're up to the fives now, yeah.

0:29 Adam Yeah, they have these big freeway signs out here in Los Angeles. They don't use them for anything, except for when a deadbeat dad snatches his kid up and starts running for Florida. And then they put it in there. So ironically, not that it's a bad thing that they use it for that, but ironically, the thing that was there to alleviate traffic only slows traffic up more, because the only goddamn time they use the signs is when some kid gets abducted.

0:54 Drew It was slowing down, writing down the license plate.

0:56 Adam Yeah, and when I say abducted, I don't mean, there's abducted, and there's abducted, and there's raped, and there's raped.

1:04 Drew This isn't a kidnap. This is a dad's past, and he took off her.

1:06 Adam No, dad had the kid for the weekend, shared custody, and is trying to set a statement, send a message to mom, and not return the kid. That's how that works.

1:15 Drew It's equivalent of the 911 call.

1:17 Adam Usually families that have 13 or 14 kids too. So, you know, what are you gonna do? You know what I mean? It's like, you got a litter of gerbils, the dad eats one of them. All right, you got 12 left. All right, but yeah, other than that, unusable, evidently. Can't let you know what's going on.

1:33 Drew Oh, last night, if you recall, there was an accident. And the accident was about 400 feet after the sign.

1:39 Adam I think at 100 feet.

1:40 Drew And the sign announced it.

1:41 Adam Let you know what was going on. Yeah, not the sign before that one.

1:44 Drew No, no, that one was black.

1:44 Adam Just that sign. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's a great use of taxpayer money. By the way, I had a lovely argument with my mom about driving and that kind of, you know, she said, she said, everyone in this town honks. I said, no, nobody in this town honks. She said, oh, they, you know, they honk at me. I said, because you're, you're the one, you're the one who's camped out at the red. You're not turning right. You can turn right. Well, you know, I'm playing it safe. You know, I said, well, let's get going. And, you know, everybody's argument is what's the rush? What's the rush? And it's, it's like, it's not for you to decide whether I'm in a rush or not. I, I know you.

2:29 Drew Did you say that to her?

2:30 Adam Yes. I know, I know, I know all you a-holes who are, you know, on the dole and, uh, hadn't, hadn't acquired practice in Kanaeho, want, want the world to slow down to a crawl with you. Other people have jobs and obligations and they're trying to do things. It's not for you to decide what their pace should be. You're not the goddamn metronome. Your job is to follow the rules and go.

2:51 Drew Well, to, to get in the way of people is passive aggressive.

2:55 Adam Yeah, listen. That's what that is. Yeah, it's like, it's rude, it's rude for you to honk. It's, it's rude for you to drag your ass in front of me.

3:01 Drew Yes.

3:02 Adam So say this all the time. Here's the example. You're walking down the sidewalk. You come up next to somebody. The person you come up next to on the sidewalk is just doing a little window shopping. Wife's, uh, inside buying something and he's, uh, out there killing time. You're running late for work. So as you try to pass him, he puts his arm out. No, no, no. Not so fast. We'll go at my pace. Now, now, who's rude? That's what they're doing when they're camped out at the light. They're putting their arm out saying, Oh, no, listen, uh, I'm a 70-year-old woman who's, uh, never had a job. We'll slow down to my pace, which, which is, uh, uh, it's a, uh, glacier, uh, rape the sloth.

3:44 Drew How in the world did you resolve this?

3:45 Adam And then, and then took, and then took a quailoot. That's the pace. That's my mom's pace. She said, she said, uh, oh, there's nobody honk. I said, I'm the person that's honking at you, by the way. And she's like, oh, people honk, people honk way too. People don't honk enough, they don't honk at all. They honk in New York. They don't honk here. Here, they do the confusing honk. You wave by to your buddies pulling out the driveway, you turn around, you start heading into the house. Neat, neat. Oh, what do you do? Forget his glasses? You start heading out and you see him going away. What are you honking for? I don't need the neat, neat honk.

4:20 Caller I just said bye.

4:21 Adam You know that honk?

4:22 Drew And by the way, the honk here is never the kind of honk that's in New York. It's always kind of, I mean, you know, it's like, hey, hey, wake up, wake up. It's never, oh, all right.

4:29 Adam Yeah, never leaning on it. Yeah.

4:31 Drew What is that?

4:32 Adam What is that I'm driving, I'm pulling out the drive, backing down the driveway honk?

4:36 Drew It's a greeting. Farewell greeting.

4:38 Adam Don't do it when the person has turned their back on the car and has walked back to the door.

4:42 Drew You can't see us wave then, so we have to honk.

4:45 Adam You do the honk when the person is waving, the toot toot.

4:48 Drew Yeah, but then you are waving.

4:49 Adam How many times you got the toot toot at the door and you are like, huh? What did they do? They forgot something and you start heading back and you just see their tail lights going down the street. Thank God.

4:58 Drew How do you resolve with your mind? I got to hear the end of this. How did you resolve it?

5:01 Adam I just told her to get moving. And she doesn't feel safe.

5:05 Believe me. Yes.

5:07 Adam All right. You ready to rock here, Drew? There we go.

5:09 Drew Take calls.

5:09 Adam Very uncomfortable.

5:10 Drew Let's not take calls. Don't take any calls.

5:12 Adam Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Taking calls. What do you think of that, smart guy?

5:16 Drew Oh, come on.

5:17 Adam Lucille? What's up?

5:24 Drew The what? The risks of fisting?

5:29 Adam No you don't. Ovaginal fisting.

5:33 Drew As opposed to?

5:33 Adam Nasal.

5:34 Drew Nasal fisting.

5:35 Adam You ever had the nasal fister?

5:36 Drew Aural. A-U-R. Yeah, aural fisting.

5:42 Adam Well, seems like same kind of damage you could do with a bowling pin or anything else that was bigger than the opening.

5:48 Drew If you called last, if you listened last night, we had a woman call who was having her second bladder repair for a bladder prolapsing falling into her vagina. We talked about how stretching that area can cause the uterus to fall down, the rectum to fall in, all kinds of good stuff. It's good times. But that area is fairly resilient, obviously.

6:09 Adam Why? What's going on with you? You practice fisting?

6:15 Drew Practice. Practice. I'm trying to think of the choice of that word practice.

6:20 Adam Well you always get, you got to constantly practice so when the day comes, when the fist comes, you're ready.

6:26 Drew Right.

6:27 Adam You know what I mean? You drill and drill and drill. It's like a volunteer fire department.

6:31 Drew Got it.

6:31 Adam Lucille, who does the fisting on you? Oh, I see. Not a pet or a grandparent or something like that.

6:43 Drew Just random partners. I think it paints a very vivid picture for me.

6:46 Adam These females? Males. Where's your dad? Are you angry?

6:57 Drew No, where's the guy putting her up to this call?

6:59 Adam Yeah, it's either bogus or you're angry or shy. Or something. I don't know. But I'm getting the cadence. The angry cadence. Yeah. What's your dad do? This close to hanging up. All right. Landscaping. Horrible. Landscaping is one of those things. No, it sounds like you have a job. It's really you're just digging ditches. You're just dragging boulders and stuff.

7:27 Drew Someone's got to make a lot of money on those landscape architects and stuff.

7:29 Adam Yeah. Yeah, the guy does Disneyland does, but not this guy. Hey, Lucille.

7:35 Drew All right.

7:35 Adam So what's up? You love your dad? It's okay. But not a ringing endorsement.

7:44 Drew How's mom? How's mom?

7:48 Adam Okay. All right. Well, I would talk to you a little more, but you're angry and you got that angry cadence thing that makes us drag every goddamn thing out of you and that like to Mississippi before every answer. So I got no more time for you. So go figure out what you're going to do. Go away. All right. Let's people don't even know it, but I always tap into it.

8:07 Drew It's strange enough. It's always people that have been victimized to really go nuts to Mississippi. We can pretty much predict the truth victimized here.

8:15 Adam Here are your choices. Your choices are an answer that gets you no further along or or I repeat the question. It's amazing. You get that. What do people do? They're self-employed. What do people do? Do they own their own business?

8:31 Drew Who did you do this action with? This fisting with?

8:33 Adam It's up to yourself. So go ahead and ask me.

8:35 Drew Who do you fist with?

8:37 Adam That's how you ask it?

8:39 Drew Well, who did the fisting?

8:40 Adam Who did the fisting? One Mississippi, two Mississippi, various partners.

8:45 Drew Where's your dad?

8:49 Adam In the bedroom.

8:49 Drew What's he do? What's your dad do?

8:51 Adam One Mississippi, two Mississippi. He has a job.

8:55 Drew And what does that job entail?

8:57 Adam One Mississippi, two Mississippi, fisting. That's how it works.

9:02 Drew Fisting people to ask that question.

9:03 Adam It just feels like every conversation makes you want to kick them like a jukebox and go, let's go. It feels totally unsatisfying. And yes, it gets you angry and that means something happened to them. All right. I don't know what happened to her, but you know. Here's the whole thing. I know we're supposed to be compassionate and stuff, but if you're calling, you're asking a question, you're throwing around an attitude, screw you. Just get some therapy.

9:25 Drew It's interesting to know what she got out of the fisting, you know what I mean? Really, what does one get from that?

9:33 Adam I don't know, but I do know, you know, your sexuality is something that if it gets screwed with early enough, all bets are off. And then you become like some crazy tribesman who eats some indigenous plant that tastes like bitter paste to us and to them it's a delight. You're wearing a warlock's outfit, you're getting fisted, you got a full size picture of your grandmother. What? What? No, that doesn't sound good. Oh no, it's great. It's great to you. I mean, if you're f'd up, that's just what everything is, isn't it? Killing is great to some people. They have an orgasm to kill somebody, you know?

10:12 Drew Not sexual.

10:14 Adam Oh no, it's not.

10:14 Drew Not sexual.

10:15 Adam No, but you come.

10:17 Yeah.

10:19 Adam Ah, yeah. Marie, you're 20. What's up? Mm-hmm.

10:42 Drew I like that he has come. It sort of moved up the letter from done come.

10:46 Adam Yeah. It's the next evolution in the F'd up grammar. Yeah. Okay. How long does it take before he has his first orgasm?

10:59 Drew Minutes. Why doesn't he get the first one out of the way before he's even with you?

11:04 Adam Oh.

11:13 Drew Well, let me translate tired. He's not motivated. Yeah, not interested, not excited.

11:19 Adam Yeah. You need a new broom in there to sweep clean.

11:21 Drew I think this guy, I just... Is he on medication? Is there anything else about the relationship we should know?

11:33 Adam Mm-hmm. How long have you been together? Does he give you oral sex?

11:45 Drew And do orgasm that way?

11:46 All right.

11:50 Adam Well, I think that's your goal.

11:53 Drew To find other means other than him having intercourse with you. If it's possible that you can be satisfied by other ways, you got to incorporate those ways in.

12:00 Adam Right.

12:00 Drew Because I don't like the guy that won't step up. I don't trust that guy.

12:06 Adam Well, he's trying but it's not working.

12:09 Drew No, he's just like, he used to have orgasm before and prepare. No, it's whatever.

12:15 Adam I know because there's that time when you're with somebody where it's like you got to prove, it's like anything. It's your first day on the job, first day at school. You got to make good. You're going to impress. Plus, everyone you hump becomes like a carrier pigeon. You think, oh, she's going to go out there and start spreading the word, whoever I am, whatever grade I get, whatever my stamina is like.

12:40 Drew Whatever grade she gives me, whatever the evaluation is. So you fill out those papers at the end of this show.

12:51 Adam I'm being generous. Yeah. No, that's what happens. Then there comes a certain point when you realize, she's not telling anybody and I no longer have to try. When you get to the no longer have to try part, that's trouble.

13:07 Drew Yeah, I think there's trouble. It's a sign that he doesn't care to try, and either he's the kind of guy then that not really care-take, he not really caring about his partner, or he's not really into his partner. Either way, it's not a great thing.

13:20 Adam Right. But it's unfair for the girls to grade the new guy.

13:24 Drew The same, yeah.

13:25 Adam It's ironic that the guy, the previous boyfriend has never been at it. He's like a battery that has been completely drained. Picture the Energizer bunny just barely moving, and then she's comparing that to the new guy, who's basically trying to bang her like a ferret on a triple cappuccino. He's going at it.

13:50 Drew Here's what that tells you about the male biology. He wasn't meant to stick around.

13:55 Adam The last guy?

13:56 Drew Any guys in general. Their biology is good at the beginning, and then Peter's out.

14:03 Adam God meant us to move on after about eight months, because we start tapering down to it's nothing.

14:10 Drew You got to be able to work with that. A guy has to be aware of that and pushing on a little bit and working and be in this partner to the point that he's getting close to home for you, Adam.

14:18 Adam Well, not everyone shares your passion.

14:20 Drew I understand. I can see that in the glaze on your face. But I also saw some other thought bubble float by.

14:26 Adam That was a fart.

14:29 Drew Not again. You notice I can't prepare it tonight. Full gear, armor.

14:32 Adam Yeah. Drew brought a shield tonight. He had nothing but a button down shirt. That's no good.

14:39 Drew That's the last time I'm doing that.

14:41 Adam That's not going to save you. That's like wearing a yarmulke in a drag racing accident. Nothing. No protection.

14:47 Drew That was brutal last night.

14:49 Adam Yeah. Let some good gas go. Chris. Then Drew let something go, and then they collided and morphed into something that something wicked that way came for both of us. Then I didn't know whose fart I was enjoying, and then I got nauseated. Let's go, Drew. Here we go.

15:09 Drew Let's break it down.

15:10 Adam What? Let's rock out. Let's go. Let's break it down.

15:13 Drew Here we go.

15:13 Adam Come on now. Get a hand in. I'm ready. Get a hand in. Where are we going? What happened with Marie?

15:18 Drew She was the one we just talked to.

15:20 Adam Well, what? She okay? Well, we didn't help her. Did we help her?

15:24 Drew Well, we said he's got to step it up or she's got to look at whether or not really this relationship is what she thinks it is.

15:29 Adam He can start trying.

15:30 Drew Yeah. You mentioned oral sex, that kind of thing to try to incorporate other means of an intercourse into their action.

15:37 Adam Christine? Christine? 22? What's up?

15:42 I just wanted to call and say that I love you and Dr. Drew. I think you are both very attractive older men. And I don't understand why anybody hasn't asked you guys to have your own TV show or something like that. I don't know if you've heard of Talk Sex. It's like some older lady that does that show. And she features different toys every week or whatever.

16:05 Adam The show is getting popular, isn't it? Or is it? I think I've seen her on something else. What station is it on?

16:13 Drew Oxygen.

16:15 Adam Oxygen.

16:15 Caller Yeah, it's on something like that. And I mean, it's great, but I would rather see you guys doing something like that.

16:21 Adam Well, once in a while, I'd say it's a cyclical thing, that about every 12 years, an old broad comes up and just starts talking graphically about sex. And there's something very novel about a 74-year-old woman saying, talking about felching and dirty Sanchez's. And it's a...

16:42 Drew The thing for me, though, as a professional is that they're never trained to do what they're doing. They're never really clinicians with adequate training to get in the material they're getting into.

16:50 Adam Usually.

16:50 Drew They quote literature bizarrely. They talk about rectal vaginal fistulas. They've never seen one in their professional career.

16:56 They don't even talk about that.

16:58 Adam And then when you really like just sort of take like, I don't know, Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura, and you break it all down, is it ever anything different than what you thought it was going to be? You know what I mean? It's like, well, me and my husband were having, you got to go back to that place where there's intimacy. You need to turn the clock back and get back to the place where you two can really enjoy. You need to take some time aside, not with the kids, not with the pets. Is it ever anything like, it's never some goddamn piece of advice where I go like, holy yes.

17:41 Drew Yeah, we're that.

17:41 Adam I never thought of that. Right.

17:43 Drew I don't know how you know that.

17:44 Adam I don't know how you make your life is a sort of guru when it's like your workout guru. It's like you got to take in less calories, then you're burned. You have to burn more than you take in. So, raw fruits and vegetables, exercise, take it easy on the diet pop and the sugary candies. What do you think? People like raising their hand. What about hall of our marzipan? Is that okay? No. Know what hall of our tastes like? Hall of our tastes like.

18:20 Drew Tastes like a sawdust.

18:21 Adam It's like.

18:21 Drew Sweet sawdust.

18:22 Adam Here's what it tastes like. You ate a sack of sugar and a sack of sand and just cracked it into a bread.

18:29 Drew They press hall of our. How the hell do you know about that?

18:32 Adam Hall of our. I know everything.

18:34 Drew You do know everything.

18:35 Adam Here's the point.

18:36 Drew It's a crack. I can't resist it.

18:38 Adam It's real. You know, I've said I've said many times that Mexico makes the worst candy and dessert in the world. Second, the Jews could probably give him a run.

18:47 Drew Absolutely.

18:47 Adam Except for the Jews can do the pastry stuff. But the whole of I put Hall of up against anything Mexico had to offer kicks flans ass in the craft department runs circles around this.

18:59 Drew Sometimes a chocolate coated to make it somewhat palatable.

19:03 Adam Yeah, but it's really it's really like somebody just dumped the honey into an ashtray like one of those hotel sand ashtrays and formed it in a bar.

19:11 Drew It is it's ash honey ash. Yes.

19:13 Adam Yeah, it's great. And it's got to be the in terms of bad for you versus calories, I mean, versus good taste. There's no worse ratio. Like I don't know. Number one is a very sweet cherry, you know, good for you and taste delightful. Halva's got to be at the very bottom, seven billion calories. And it really it just if you hear your arteries snap shut while you're reading it, you're actually hearing valves close in your heart and it tastes like fried hell.

19:41 Christine, what was I talking about?

19:43 Drew Christine, Christine. We had a TV show for about five years on MTV.

19:49 Caller I don't know. I must have been banned to watch MTV at that time.

19:55 Adam Oh, no, that should have been in your wheelhouse. You should have been like 17 or 18 when we were doing that.

20:02 Caller I didn't have cable. My dad didn't allow it.

20:04 Adam So hold on. I was in the middle of a jag.

20:07 All right.

20:08 Adam Here's my point.

20:09 Caller Yeah.

20:10 Adam And then so you get the old broad is talking about penises and vaginas. But does it is like I said, everyone just close your eyes. And here's what I want to say about 90 percent of all information that is passed forward. And I probably include myself in this traffic reports, weather reports, advice about dating. Oh, tips to avoid a hangover. Right.

20:34 Caller What?

20:34 Adam What? What was that last one? Moderation.

20:39 Caller Hold on.

20:40 Adam Hold on. Hold on. You say if I if I go out New Year's Eve and only drink half a beer.

20:46 Drew Don't drink. That's right.

20:47 Adam Yeah. And what? And again, what's the best way to avoid a holiday hangover?

20:50 Drew Don't drink.

20:51 Adam Where's the scratch pad?

20:52 Drew Don't drink, Adam.

20:54 Adam Wow. Oh, my God. You got to write a book.

20:58 Drew Well, here's the thing.

20:59 Adam You know what I need? I need one of those. I need one of those quarterback cheat sheet sweat bands that I wear with all your sagely advice on it. Let's see. Lose weight. I said fruits and vegetables. Raw. Don't eat. Exercise. Exercise. Avoid a hangover. Don't drink. No. No drinking. Avoid. Oh, how to avoid an STD. What's the best way? Abstinence. Abstinence.

21:24 Caller OK.

21:24 Adam That's the only sure way to. This is great.

21:27 Caller This is huge.

21:29 Adam I should. OK.

21:30 Drew We should publish this. You're right. You're right. The Zone.

21:34 Adam Dr. Phil.

21:34 Drew Adam's Zone.

21:35 Adam Oh. And then Schwimmer's got a PSA. Talk to your kids. Oh my God. Where's the band? There's not enough room on it.

21:44 Drew Aside from the fact that there's no information in 95 percent of what's out there, what I find most offensive, it's self-consciously created that way because the media, people that create media talk down to the public.

21:56 Adam They do.

21:57 Drew I got yelled at by the public. Hold on.

21:59 Adam Do you people hear that? These are big words you're using.

22:03 Drew Yeah, right. I got yelled at by the executive producer of Good Morning America for using biological terms during a morning radio, during morning television broadcast. And I said, you know what? I'm not interested in this anymore.

22:13 Adam Yeah.

22:13 Drew I'm not doing that anymore.

22:14 Adam I told them to kiss your ass.

22:15 Drew Kiss my...

22:18 Adam Now they got that old broad talking about vagina. Yeah. But every once in a while, so about every 12 years, an old broad comes around and starts talking about vagina. It's incredibly novel.

22:30 Drew It's just novelty. It's not information. It's novelty.

22:32 Adam But again, is there any actual information that anyone ever gets out of this stuff? Or is it just sort of reinforcement? And here's the thing. Like I said, maybe we're just signing our own death warrant here, Drew. And this is why I end up talking about running parking, running red lights and stuff like that.

22:48 Drew We can always go back to the accordion countdown. We've got plenty of room here.

22:52 Adam Oh, that's going to be huge. We're going to play that tonight. We're going to play that tonight.

22:56 Drew Good.

22:56 Adam No, I mean, we're doing that tonight. But here's the thing. Here's why. Because just like dieting, eat less and work out more, relationships, pay attention, be attentive.

23:06 Drew Communicate.

23:06 Adam Try not to see whip your partner. I do that. Yeah, like what the Pope does with the, but different. Yours though wouldn't come at the top of it. All this relationship advice, all the dieting advice, all the hangover advice, it's never anything. It's just don't drink, pay attention, eat raw fruits and vegetables. Fantastic. All right. But you can do it in a real blowhardy way. That's what I like.

23:32 Drew Well, it's an evangelism. It's all just about evangelism.

23:35 Adam Yeah.

23:35 Drew I'm going to tell you how to do it. I'm going to cure you.

23:38 Adam That's right.

23:38 Drew I'm going to make you skinny.

23:39 Adam That's right. We're not going to do that on the show.

23:41 Drew No. We're going to tell you how long after the music starts, the recording will kick in.

23:47 Adam That's right. We're focused. We're going to prioritize. All right. So now we're going to try to play some Ace's Mexican Accordion Countdown when we come back, but I'm not sure if engineer Chris is up to it.

23:59 Drew You got any Ranchero music? What do you mean? I don't have any. Ranchero music. You know what that is? Yeah, but I don't have any.

24:05 Caller You can't do it from that end, guys, because then you can't record the show and it's an abortion.

24:09 Drew So we got to work something out. We'll get the radio.

24:11 Adam No, no. Let me say this about you.

24:12 Caller And it's so laughing loud.

24:13 Adam Let me say this about you, Drew, first off. I'm sorry. Hey, it's a shock that engineer Anderson doesn't like a bit we're doing. No, I'm down with the game. No, I know. You love it. You love it.

24:23 Caller I'm trying to help you out. I had everything set up last week over here.

24:26 Adam All right. I'm going to yell at Drew and not at you, Anderson.

24:29 Drew Can you do it at your end?

24:30 Adam Drew, hold on a second. First off, we stopped thinking out loud. And you act like there's something that can get done around here like, oh, we're just the telephone. Michelle's gone and we're just going to roll right into this bit. No, you got to work it out. Angie or Chris, you know what you're talking about?

24:45 Caller He started the game with you guys.

24:47 Adam He doesn't know what we're talking about.

24:48 Caller No, I know what you're talking about.

24:50 Adam All right. He's cool. All right. We're going to take a break. Drew, go ahead and work it out if you're going to work it out. We'll be right back after this.

25:06 Drew Bravo is giving away three scary DVDs to the last caller of this hour and you'll automatically then enter to win 25 scary movie DVDs. Watch the 100 Scariest Movie Moments this week at 9, 8 Central on Bravo. No purchase necessary. Voidware prohibited. Must be 17 and older to enter. Call 1-800-LOVE-191 for official rules. Anderson?

25:26 Caller Drew?

25:28 Drew So you can do it there? You have the music? So you can do it tonight. Can you...

25:52 Caller That's the end.

25:53 Drew Can you find some just DVD music? You know what I mean? Tell me, get in my head when you have something, okay?

26:38 Caller Hey, everybody, it's Loveline.

26:40 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Yeah. Carrie Elwes is going to be in here. I don't really know what to say. Elwes. Elwes.

26:52 Drew Yeah.

26:52 Adam Elwes. Elwes. Good actor. Going to be in here on Wednesday night, then Jimmy Eat World in here on Thursday.

27:02 Drew All right.

27:03 Adam Now, we can play Ace's Chordian Countdown, which is exciting. It's a game that I pioneered in the writing office over at Kimmel. I figured out, well, when you work around as many Latino brothers as I do, you hear-

27:21 Drew Your husband read that.

27:23 Adam Yeah. But in general, I've always worked around Latin guys.

27:27 Drew Right. I mean, you sort of juxtaposed Kimmel and the guys you work.

27:31 Adam You're right.

27:31 Drew You got a bunch of white guys from Boston. Yeah.

27:33 Adam Kimmel's half Mexican. Yeah. He's not full. He tries to pass himself off as one EEOC stuff. That's how he got the gig. The point is, up in the writers' rooms, a bunch of a-holes from New York and Boston. Right. But we got a radio and I've realized that the ranchero music every time you turn on, you just hear that accordion. It is accordion-driven music and it's music that's meant to annoy. I've really just decided. It's the kind of music that if you're hung over and you hear it for more than eight seconds, you start stabbing people around you. That's how it works. Just before the- no, no, no. Should we? Yeah, we should gamble first. The question then becomes, how long before the accordion kicks in? A lot of people, novices might say, I don't know, 30 seconds, a minute, maybe never. Contrary. The average, we've done 10 songs. What do you think the average is?

28:28 Drew Well, it's funny because the average gets skewed by some songs that come in late or not at all.

28:32 Adam We have had a couple and they do start, we start in the middle of the song randomly.

28:36 Drew And Michelle taught us they're not really ranchero music in that case. They have some other name or escape zone name.

28:42 Adam No, it's ranchero. You're thinking of Tex-Mex.

28:45 Drew Tex-Mex, yeah.

28:46 Adam No, Tex-Mex doesn't make you want to stab people.

28:48 Drew Well, you're right.

28:49 Adam Tex-Mex makes you want to kill yourself.

28:51 Drew Yes.

28:52 Adam The ranchero makes you want to kill others and then yourself.

28:54 Drew Right, right.

28:55 Adam All right, so, and vomit while you're doing it.

28:57 Drew Yes, first vomit.

28:59 Adam So, the point is, is that we have had a couple where you haven't heard it at all.

29:02 Drew Yes, that's true. I'd say for those in which there isn't a recording, I'd say three seconds on average.

29:08 Adam On average, three and a half, I would say. All right, so you want to pick a number?

29:11 Drew Three.

29:12 Adam You're going with three seconds. You can't go the immediate route.

29:15 Drew I was thinking about that, but.

29:16 Adam I'll tell you.

29:17 Drew Since we've had three seconds as an average, I'll go for it.

29:19 Adam I've nailed the seven. All right, Anderson, are you ready? Because I'm going to cue you, but I got to look at the clock and make sure I get the whole number so I can calculate it. You ready? I'm going to go.

29:29 Drew I got it.

29:29 Adam You got it?

29:30 Caller Well, yeah, we might be, we might have some issues, but yeah. Here's the issues, guys. The album that I found, the only one I could find during the break, unfortunately, there's a man with an accordion on the cover of it.

29:41 Drew Of course.

29:42 Caller Kind of like Jimmy Page.

29:44 Drew Of course. What's Ranchero music?

29:46 Adam Oh, you went and found stuff. I thought we had.

29:48 Caller I went and found.

29:49 Drew He found some stuff.

29:50 Adam Oh, okay, because engineer Phylen Michel said she had a bunch of stuff loaded in.

29:56 Drew No, that was in the CD that night.

29:58 Adam Oh, that was just that night. So it's not with us anymore.

30:00 Drew No, no, no. It's Amstead to go get it.

30:02 Adam What are you doing, Drew? Are you high? Just like, oh, here, let's just play this.

30:06 Caller Also, there's other routes we could do. I mean, there's plenty of ways. I had a bunch of stuff set up that night, too.

30:12 Adam All right, well, let's just try the one you.

30:13 Caller But right now we got the accordion.

30:14 Adam Let's just try the one you got.

30:16 Caller This is music from North America.

30:17 Drew Hold on, and I'll cue you.

30:20 Adam I'm gonna go nine seconds. I'm going big, all right?

30:23 Drew That guy's got an accordion on the cover.

30:26 Adam I know, but come on, you never know. You can hit the bridge sometimes. All right, you're ready? And action. Well, let's hear this song. Yeah, this is it. Yeah, this is my life.

30:43 Drew We need the singing, though.

30:44 Adam This every morning.

30:45 Drew Describe the scene, the setting around your house.

30:48 Adam Setting around my house is Ozzy's down in the garage. He's with Jose and Rogelio. I gave him explicit instructions to put the primer on before the paint the night before. He's now chosen to put the paint on before the primer. And that's when the argument ensues.

31:09 Drew So you're coming down in your bathroom with a bomb.

31:11 Adam Also, Ozzy's setting the barbecue up for later on in the day because he barbecues. He somehow mathematically, it only works out to a half hour lunch, but yet he barbecues throughout the day. He actually has like a double propane tank with a half trash can in it. He's like once every couple of weeks. And it'll be like Ozzy, what are you barbecuing? Rahel, he's 41 and a half today. It's like, huh? You get a barbecue every day. Oh yeah, setting the barbecue.

31:40 Drew All right, so let's have the music and then you set the scene for coming down to the garage in the morning.

31:45 Adam Oh, you want to reenact?

31:46 Drew Yeah, I want to reenact. Okay, music.

31:49 Adam All right, but you got to play it loud. Here's what it sounds like.

31:52 Drew Loud.

31:54 Adam Yeah, maybe a little louder. Hey, Ozzy, yeah, when you did the coring and the cementing, you got to blow the holes out before you put the all thread in there or the, would you shut that off? That's what it sounds like every morning.

32:13 Drew Oh my gosh.

32:14 Adam Every single morning. Oh. You know that music sounds like after a bottle of wine at 2 a.m. at 8, 8, 10 in the morning.

32:23 Drew Like there's gonna be drilling in your hand.

32:24 Adam Every old would be better. It would be better. So it's Root Canal performed by an accordion and a giant guitar. It's awesome. Ozzy's got the barbecue fired up. It's awesome. He's marinating.

32:39 Drew He has a great barbecue.

32:42 Adam Have you had?

32:42 Drew Yes. Oh my God.

32:44 Adam Yes, heroin. Great. I know.

32:47 Drew I wonder you barbecues every day.

32:48 Adam I know, but I pay for barbecuing. Kellan? Year 20?

32:56 Drew Yes.

32:57 Adam What's up? Kellan, that's a nice name for a girl.

33:01 Drew Have you ever called before? Kellan?

33:05 Adam Yes.

33:06 Drew Have you ever called before? That yesh is kind of a funny, familiar sound.

33:11 Adam I would have remembered Kellan though.

33:13 Drew Yeah, yeah. Okay. So what's the question?

33:15 Caller I had a dream a couple nights ago that I murdered my nine month old daughter.

33:21 Adam Mm-hmm. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.

33:24 Caller My mother has taken child psychology classes and said that it was normal, but I don't feel it's normal.

33:30 Drew Well, I don't hear it a lot. It's common. I don't know that to put it on the sort of normal scale.

33:35 Adam It's not the kind of thing that people share with others that often.

33:38 Caller She said there's books published about it, but she says it's not something that people talk about, but it was quite disturbing.

33:45 Adam Well, I could see when she's sleep deprived and the kid's keeping her up.

33:49 Drew You're right. Women have an impulse to kill their children even in their waking hours, when they're completely stressed to the point of the breaking point. Let me tell you, as a parent of multiples, you get there.

34:00 Adam One kid with a multiple personality for showing that.

34:03 Drew But there's a huge difference between fantasizing about that and actually acting out in any way towards your child. The one thing you got to watch out for with these sorts of impulses is whether or not there's a depression. If you hear the stories about women that do kill their children, what is it you keep hearing? Well, she had a postpartum depression, became psychotic. That is a feature of postpartum depression. When it becomes severe, people can be do very bizarre and violent things sometimes. To me, it's a symptom that requires looking into. I would talk to your doctor about the fact that you're having these fantasies. Now, imagine you are depressed, right?

34:39 Caller No.

34:41 Adam Touche. Do you have a husband?

34:44 Caller Yes.

34:45 Adam I do. How's that going?

34:48 Drew You're not feeling anxious or panicking?

34:50 Adam All right.

34:51 Drew People get confused about depression.

34:53 Caller I freaked out after this.

34:57 Drew You've not been feeling overwhelmed, not been feeling anxious, not been feeling...

35:00 Uh-uh.

35:04 Adam All right.

35:05 Drew I'd still look into it. Because again, if you remember the woman that drowned her kids, if you talked to her, she didn't need to be in the hospital. She had it all together. Remember that?

35:12 Adam She was a religious psychotic.

35:14 Drew But whatever. The point is that people often don't have insight into what's going on.

35:17 Adam I know. But are you ever really going to stop those people? I mean, I know with every tragedy, there's this sort of crossroad point where if later, if only earlier that day, they didn't have their next drink, or if they'd listen to their brother and come out to Montana.

35:33 Drew You're right.

35:34 Adam You know, there's always that. But it's like you could trace every single tragedy, every plane crash, every blimp explosion, every murder. There's always some crossroad. And maybe we've passed that crossroads a million times and nothing's ever happened.

35:49 Drew Right.

35:49 Adam You know what I mean?

35:50 Drew Yes, I agree. And I also agree with you that the other issue is willingness and willing to be insightful and to be willing to take direction. And people are amazingly obstinate. I mean, that's so peculiar. You know?

36:05 Adam No, I know.

36:06 Drew No, I'd rather go home and become a cat since. That's a better idea.

36:09 Adam Well, wasn't she a religious fanatic too or something?

36:12 Drew Yeah, there was something going on there. But it wasn't exclusively that. She was unwilling to do what they asked her to do. She didn't follow up.

36:19 Caller All right. But I don't know.

36:21 Adam Nutty. Well, it's a tragedy. No doubt. All right. Where do you want to go?

36:25 Drew There.

36:26 Adam Husband gave her chlamydia and left? Boyfriend loses boner in the middle of sex. Been with three girls, two hookers. Never orgasm. Huh? Herpes. Herpes met girl on Internet. They're getting close. Aaron. Oh, 23. Very sad. Aaron.

36:49 Yeah. Hello.

36:50 Adam You met a girl on the Internet?

36:53 Yeah. Actually. About three months ago.

36:55 Adam Have you met her yet? Or you just talked to her on the Internet?

36:58 No. Well, we talked on the cell phone a little while ago. Actually, I think I'm really, I think.

37:07 Adam Virgin?

37:08 I'm kind of falling for her too fast than I should be.

37:11 Adam Are you a virgin?

37:12 No, I'm not a virgin. Hell no.

37:14 Drew Oh, how dare you? How dare you, Adam? What are you talking about?

37:19 Adam Outside. I mean, I'm not saying you had sex with a sister, but half sister?

37:25 No, no, no.

37:26 Adam All right. Not a virgin.

37:27 No, no. No, no, no. I'm not that weird. We've had phone texts maybe about five times, but I'm here in LA in Covina, and she lives in Georgia. I met her in a chat room, and about three months we've been talking and stuff. I really wanted to get a third-person opinion on what I should do, because about like...

37:53 Adam What is she doing? How old is she?

37:56 Well, we talk on the cell phone.

37:57 Drew How old is she?

37:59 Adam All right, let me ask, I'll use reverse psychology. How often do you talk on the cell phone? She's going to tell me how old she is.

38:07 Like every day. She probably calls me about five times a day.

38:11 Adam Five times a day. How old is she?

38:14 She's 19. She goes to the University of Georgia.

38:24 Adam Aaron sounds like he's about 10 kinds of squirrely.

38:27 Drew Yeah, definitely squirrely. And what college student will call somebody across the country five times a day?

38:33 Adam In Covina. And also, you're going to University of Georgia. There's a good party school. You got dudes all over the place.

38:42 Drew You're calling them five times a day in Covina.

38:44 Adam Talking to a guy sounds like Mr. Haney.

38:46 Well, we talked on the cell phone a little while ago.

38:53 Adam Holy Christ. Earth to call it all spaz. Erin, what is up? She has a weight problem.

39:03 No, no, actually, no, I've seen pictures of her recently and she's pretty good looking. But like I'm kind of scared on actually like how much I feel for already. And like it kind of freaks me out.

39:13 Adam You're you're 20.

39:14 Caller I haven't even met this girl.

39:15 Adam All right. Quiet down. Now you're 23. Do you have a job?

39:19 Caller Oh, yeah.

39:20 Drew What do you do?

39:22 Caller I work at a women's lingerie lingerie. Pretty much. It's you guys probably guessed. Starts with a V, but I don't want to say anything else. Because that.

39:34 Adam Oh, the vagina hole.

39:36 Drew That's where it works. Works the vagina hole. And they don't have a man working Victoria's Secret.

39:41 Caller Yeah, I'm just scared of how he looks and hold on.

39:45 Adam Listen, he just comes in, cleans the schmutz off the dressing room, mirrors it after clothes.

39:49 Drew Either that or it's Victor's lingerie. You know what I mean? He just doesn't want to say.

39:54 Adam Be a good boy. Aaron?

39:57 Caller Yeah.

39:57 Adam What do you do there? I never see a guy in that place except for, you know, cutting.

40:02 Caller Oh, exactly. I don't work in the front. I do the stuff in the back.

40:07 Drew The schmutz.

40:08 Caller That nobody really else wants to do.

40:09 Drew Yeah, the schmutz.

40:11 Adam Right. You're there during store hours.

40:13 Caller Yeah. It's not my dream job, but you know, it helps me pay my car payment.

40:21 Adam So, can you buy? By the way, can't everyone just fly everywhere now? Like...

40:26 Drew In the Southwest, you can go to Georgia for like $20.

40:30 Adam $8. Southwest, like, if you... One way, it's $8 if you give them two weeks notice.

40:35 Drew Right. If you stop 27 times.

40:37 Adam Tell me if this is just me. And because I come from a horrible family that turned everything into climbing Mount Everest in December. But it was like, first off, I thought in order to fly, you need, first off, you got to be rich. Secondly, you have to have like a tire. Like I grew up thinking, well, you got to have a monogram mascot and a smoking jacket.

41:00 Drew It's almost like you needed an astronaut outfit. You needed some sort of special traveling gear. Yeah.

41:04 Adam The compartment is not pressurized. You need stuff. You need lots of money. Like you don't just go flying places.

41:11 Drew No.

41:11 Adam Now, you just go flying places, right? If your buddy drops you off at Burbank Airport, and you're in Georgia three hours later, and it costs $111. You get 70 packs of cashews. No. You don't get the nuts.

41:26 Caller No.

41:26 Adam You get the Fiesta mix.

41:27 Caller Yeah.

41:28 Adam Yeah.

41:28 Caller Great. Okay.

41:29 Adam The point is, don't let me start. No. You can go do this now. Why not just go do it then? If that's, if you're into her.

41:36 Drew Why not meet her?

41:37 Adam Just once you hop on a plane.

41:40 Caller Well, I don't know if I'm that much into her though. I mean, it's cool to find people. Like, I think.

41:46 Drew All right. I'm so into her. I'm in love with her. You're wasting our time. No.

41:51 Adam I'm not. Well, then knock it off.

41:53 Drew Then you could put some boundaries down with her. Relax. I agree. That's what you should do, set some boundaries. There's something wrong with this whole situation. Five times a day with a girl calling you from colleges in Georgia that something's wrong with her that she's doing that. She can't have a social life where she is. She needs to have the opportunity to do that. Push her back a little bit. If you are interested in her, go check it out. But I don't think it's going to work out. It's just too much of granted distance here.

42:16 Adam Then the ride to the airport, that all. With her? No, the Corollas. It was huge. No, yeah. Cab, no way.

42:24 Drew Pay for parking.

42:25 Caller All right, we're going to take ourselves a little break.

42:31 Adam We'll be right back after this.

42:34 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

42:39 Drew Bravo's giving away three scary.

42:45 Adam Wow.

42:56 Caller Three, two, one, go.

42:58 Adam Yeah. Get It On. Woo, get it on. Yeah. Hey, my beloved Crank Yankers, tomorrow night, Tuesday night, Comedy Central. Also, DVD out.

43:11 Drew Nice.

43:11 Adam Crank Yankers, DVD. I think season one is out, and you're in season two or three. Got to figure that out. Also, new show called Drawn Together, I'm in, which is-

43:25 Drew I hear that.

43:26 Adam It's so funny. The Entertainment Weekly gave it an F.

43:31 Drew That's a good sign.

43:33 Adam Well, they gave The Man Show, maybe that was-

43:36 Drew Minus three stars, minus four stars.

43:39 Adam Actually, well, one thing I did got minus four and the other got minus three. I think The Man Show was minus three and maybe Red Handed or something was minus four. Could have been the other way around. Anyway, slice it, minus four stars better than one star. Yes? Perfect. Perfect. All right. You ready to go here, Drew? Let's talk to Robin who's 26. Robin?

44:04 Caller Hello.

44:05 Adam Hey girl.

44:06 Caller How are you guys?

44:07 Drew We're good. What's happening?

44:08 Adam What's up?

44:09 Caller Well, going through a bit of a life change right now. My partner of 10 years, my husband of three left me for my best friend of 15 years.

44:22 Adam Wow.

44:24 Drew Hold on.

44:24 Adam You know what I miss? I miss when people go, can you say bitter? You know that asshole? I love that one.

44:30 Drew Thankfully, she's not that.

44:31 Adam Can you say bitter? Yeah. All right.

44:35 Caller I'm going to therapy.

44:36 Drew Good.

44:37 Adam Good.

44:37 Caller Working on my issues.

44:38 Adam I miss that as much as I miss.

44:40 Drew What up? What are your issues?

44:43 Caller It's a self-worth thing. I did get dropped like garbage.

44:47 Drew How long had this guy been carrying on, do you think?

44:50 Caller Probably close to about eight months. I'm the kind of person that I trusted him and her.

45:00 Drew Yeah. Usually, these things are more about who you chose to be with than anything else.

45:04 Adam By the way, people do that adage all the time, I was a fool for trusting. Of course, you're supposed to trust your best friend and your husband.

45:15 Caller I'm going to be able to trust people in the future.

45:17 Adam Well, not people you pick.

45:20 Drew Not if you-

45:20 Adam If Drew picked your guy, you could trust him.

45:22 Drew Yeah, that's the point. If you were let down by your family of origin, then you'll be attracted to people that let you down, and here you've done that.

45:32 Adam All right. How did you find out, by the way?

45:36 Caller Just little things started, well, I saw them playing footsies at a barbecue I went to.

45:45 Adam Then when did the news actually come out?

45:47 Caller In June.

45:48 Drew She had chlamydia?

45:53 Adam How did the news get broken to you?

45:54 Caller Her boyfriend and me and my husband, we're all really good friends, four of us.

45:59 Adam How did it get broken to you, the news?

46:02 Caller Well, he said, I'm attracted to other people, and I'm like, well, that's normal. You're supposed to be attracted to other people. You'd be dead if you weren't. I said, if you really feel upset about this, we can go to therapy and you can talk about those issues. Because I'm all pro-therapy.

46:15 Drew Yeah, but men don't complain about that. You got to ask yourself, why is he telling me this? What is he trying to tell me?

46:22 Caller Well, he was a virgin when we met.

46:25 Adam All right, hold on a second.

46:27 Drew We got to go back to this one.

46:28 Adam We do. Robin's got energy.

46:30 Drew Yeah.

46:30 Adam I mean, not all bad, but there's something cooking. Sounds like a programmer. Are you sober?

46:41 Caller Well, I mean, I smoke a little weed every now and then.

46:45 Adam So in the program, were you ever in the program or hooked on anything?

46:49 Drew What do you mean?

46:51 Adam Drugs, booze? No.

46:53 Caller No.

46:54 Adam I'm always right.

46:55 Drew You're always right.

46:56 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll get back with the crazy Robin. Got chlamydia. Yeah.

47:00 Caller All that after this.

47:02 Drew All right, guys. Here's the deal. Look in the hookup. Call the Dateline.

47:35 Caller Joanne DiCarlo.

47:37 Adam William Robertson. And again, you start talking like, I'm going to need some advance notice. This is expensive. It's all that same talk except for replace baneyes with barier. So it's like everything was like.

47:53 Caller Andrea Thompson.

47:55 Caller So the psychic medium we got.

47:57 Caller Andrea Thompson.

47:58 Michael Corey for every day.

48:00 Caller 10 children are killed by gunfire.

48:03 10 dead kids, 10 kids, too many.

48:06 Caller The violence won't stop until you help stop it to find out how.

48:10 Caller Call 1-800-we-prevent for free information.

48:14 Caller That's 1-800-we-prevent.

48:17 Please call today. Not one more lost life.

48:30 Drew Hello, my name is Rome. How do you know that?

48:44 Adam They all have dyed hair and their whole head.

49:00 What'll it be, lady? You think you might be pregnant. You need to see your doctor. You want to tell your family, and you need to stop drinking alcoholic beverages. The best choice for you and your baby is to stop drinking and call your doctor for advice.

49:15 Caller Congratulations. You were right. You're pregnant.

49:18 If you have questions about drinking during your pregnancy, ask your doctor. Be good to your baby right from the start. A public service message from the National Association of Broadcasters and this station.

49:29 Caller Hey, this is Kate Pearson from the B-52s. For RAD, getting drunk is your own business, but when you drive drunk, you make it everybody's business. Don't drink and drive. Be responsible. Plan ahead and choose a designated driver. Remember, music lives and so should you.

50:00 Caller Hey Larry baby, you wanna go for a ride?

50:02 Caller Why Vince, I didn't know you cared.

50:04 I don't, but I'm looking for a baby.

50:05 Adam But Vince, we're crash dummies.

50:07 Caller Well, your head's about the size of a baby. Taking it off!

50:12 I'm using your head in a rear facing infancy.

50:14 Caller Why?

50:15 Adam You show how babies up front are in airbag danger.

50:18 Caller You know I get sick when I ride backwards and without a body.

50:21 Up in front, kids won't know what hit them when the airbag blows.

50:23 Adam Yeah, so I know I talk dicks, but this is a f**k-ass f**king crazy. I don't know, maybe it makes them feel better to see them sit by their side.

50:29 Caller Although, if I didn't look like you, I'd be riding a truck.

50:32 Caller Where are we going, Finn?

50:35 Caller You know that prick wall with the big bullseye?

50:37 Caller Oh, I can see it vaguely in the back of my mind.

50:39 Caller Well, in two seconds, that's exactly where it's going to be.

50:45 Caller You need a towel, Larry. You're embedded in the seat.

50:48 Adam I can't understand you.

50:50 Caller I'll go get a tire iron.

50:52 You could learn a lot from a dummy. Buckle your kids in the back seat. A message from the Department of Transportation and the Ad Council.

50:59 Caller Hi, this is Dennis Franz of NYPD Blue for Rad, recording artists, actors and athletes against drunk drivers. My character, Andy Sipwitz, has learned that there are a lot of things in life you have no control over. Fortunately, driving drunk isn't one of them.

51:14 Drew If you drink, don't drive. Choose a designated driver. And if one of your friends is drinking, get the.

51:25 Caller Keys.

51:25 Drew So we can't represent that.

51:26 Caller It doesn't matter to him because it's a radio.

51:28 Drew He's representing commodities that don't get measured on the same scale.

52:05 Caller Okay, let's bring out the kick.

52:27 Adam Drew, talk, come on, bud.

52:28 Drew All right, good ice cream we're eating here. Yeah, way to go, Adam. It's Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. I'm Dr. Drew. He's Adam Crowe. He's got his mouth filled with Haagen-Dazs, one of those crazy ice cream bars with the nuts on the outside.

52:41 Adam Haagen-Dazs is German for heroin.

52:44 Drew And walked in here and said-

52:45 Adam Heroin, do you hear me?

52:46 Drew You guys interested in anything? We got a truck pallet of this stuff. And yeah, we just went for it. And you know, it's German for heroin. So what are you gonna do? All right, so we're gonna get back and talk to Robin, whose husband cheated. That's a disgusting sound. Like I said, if you could breathe through your nose, it might be okay to listen to you eat. But with the slobbering and the snorting and all, it's a little bit rough. You understand? Okay, Robin's on at six. And her husband took a relationship of at least 10 years, husband of three years. Husband took off with her best friend. She and her boyfriend and her husband were good buddies. Hold on, hold on. And gave her chlamydia. Hold on, hold on. Yeah.

53:33 Adam And you're Chris.

53:34 Drew Yeah.

53:35 Adam You're not eating a hog and dust bar. Oh, I finished it.

53:37 Caller Oh, you did?

53:40 Drew What, two bites? No, it took me like three minutes.

53:43 Adam Really?

53:43 Caller Nice.

53:44 Drew We didn't see it.

53:45 Caller He did it recklessly. Oh, yeah.

53:47 Adam You're right.

53:48 Drew You're right.

53:49 Adam You put it in, pulled out a stick. Wow, done. Smart. That was good. That was good? All right, buddy. We're cool, then. Go ahead, Robin.

53:58 Caller Well, basically, a lot of our friends were obviously in common. I'm having a hard time emotionally dealing with the fact that they're still playing nice with him.

54:09 Drew Right, right, right. How did you find out you had the chlamydia?

54:12 Caller I went to the, I found this out and then I found out to another friend that he had been fooling around with her.

54:18 Drew Okay.

54:18 Caller And I know that he has very loose sexual practices.

54:21 Drew Well, no, he was a virgin when you met him, but he has loose sexual practices.

54:25 Caller No, no, no. She, the-

54:27 Drew She does, I see.

54:28 Caller Can I say whore? That's what I call her.

54:31 Drew And how were you treated for the chlamydia?

54:33 Caller I took antibiotics, I'm clear, I'm clean. What'd you take? Tetra-something or other, I'm not sure. It was one of the, you know, they give it to you right there.

54:43 Drew Zithromax.

54:43 Adam Maybe you gotta get a Haagen-Dazs bar, so all your trouble's gonna melt away just like that milky ice cream.

54:50 Drew Hey. You notice Adam even stopped complaining about his family for the few minutes he's been eating this ice cream for.

54:54 Adam They're wonderful people.

54:55 Drew Yeah, see what I'm talking about?

54:56 Adam They're delights, all of them.

54:57 Drew This is heroin.

54:57 Adam They're great, supportive, wonderful people.

54:59 Drew So Rob, what actually is the question for us? How can we help?

55:01 Caller The question I have is I'm dealing with whether I should leave this town, it's a smaller town. I see them, you know, and I wanna take the high road.

55:10 Drew Do you work?

55:12 Caller I work, I work part-time, I go to school full-time.

55:15 Drew So, I'm talking to Rob.

55:18 Adam She wants to take the high road, she called her whore about eight seconds ago. That's right, stiff upper lip, never, never see it, let him see you sweat.

55:28 Drew Gentlemenly, yes. She had too much effing class to go the low road. So, Robyn, can you change schools?

55:39 Caller It would be changing schools and changing, I think, moving.

55:42 Drew But can you realistically change schools?

55:45 Caller Absolutely, after the semester is over. I can't do it mid semester.

55:48 Drew What are you studying?

55:48 Caller I'm a straight A student. I don't want to mess up any grades or anything.

55:51 Drew What are you studying?

55:53 Caller Ocean science right now.

55:55 Drew So you can go down to San Diego or something.

55:57 Caller I'm thinking locally, like, I'd rather finish, I'm in a community college. That's all I can afford. Which is hard because I don't qualify for financial aid because we were married and blah, blah, blah. I'm living the poor student life. I do want to move to the city, but I'm feeling part of me says that I'm running away.

56:16 Adam Hold on.

56:17 Drew We can't answer this for you. Listen, we can't answer this for you, but it sounds like a fresh start would be a good idea.

56:23 Adam I'm riding a nice lactose buzz.

56:25 Drew I do.

56:26 Adam Now listen.

56:26 Caller It wouldn't be running away.

56:27 Adam All right, hold on. I got to eat this stand.

56:30 Caller I don't want to give them that satisfaction. I mean, they've already taken a lot from me.

56:34 Adam Yeah.

56:35 Drew What are you going to do? Make a stand with them? Then you're living your life just as a consequence of their behavior.

56:42 Adam There's a lot of people not wanting to give people the satisfaction and all this other BS. Just go do whatever you want to do. All right. You're going to community college. By the way, studying oceanography at a community college, ocean science. Let me explain how that works. When a professor takes a leak in a kiddie pool and they throw a starfish in it and you stare at it for four hours a day. That's how it works.

57:09 Drew Is that ocean science at a community college?

57:10 Adam Yeah. Only saying they seize the stuff in the ashtray in the teacher's lounge.

57:14 Drew In the halva?

57:15 Adam In the halva. Last week they showed Finding Nemo. That's close. See the drawings? That's a jellyfish. Yeah. Now they don't have the big... Now they don't smoke cigars. No. That'll be on the test. Robin. Please. Who are you kidding with at Junior College? What are you going to do with that degree?

57:51 Caller Honestly, there's...

57:52 Adam Yes.

57:52 Caller Department of Fishing Game has some jobs that...

57:55 Adam Oh, really?

57:55 Caller Appeal to me, yeah. You know, actually, you're wrong. I'm in a lab class out in the field.

58:00 Adam Out in the field.

58:01 Caller I live on the ocean, so I deal with... We're dealing with doing beach sloping and sand gradiation and all the technical stuff.

58:10 Adam I could... You know, the whole ranger life always seems attractive to me.

58:14 Caller A little too copy for me.

58:17 Adam Yeah. A little what?

58:18 Caller Too cop-like for me. I don't want to have to be the authoritative...

58:22 Drew So what do you want to do?

58:23 Adam Well, you can be the cool ranger. Like you go like... You do that one where you're like, by law, I'm obligated to dump that beer out, but if you want to just kill it, I won't say anything to smoke it. You know what I'm saying? You be the cool ranger.

58:36 Caller I think I'd be a conservation officer.

58:38 Adam Hey, you kill Japanese whalers off the coast of San Francisco. It's awesome.

58:44 Caller Absolutely.

58:45 Adam Okay. So, look. Quiet down. Your guy, do you have any kids?

58:51 Caller No. No children.

58:52 Adam Fine. Good.

58:53 Drew You're lucky.

58:54 Adam Fresh start.

58:55 Caller I'm absolutely free.

58:56 Adam Good. He did you a favor. I know you're bitter. I know you're angry. You should be. I don't want to take that away from you.

59:02 Drew There's a whole sort of exploration we should do too with her. God knows why she would try to be the kind of guy that this exploits.

59:06 Adam You have no kids and you're going to junior college. Get out of there.

59:08 Drew Stay with the therapist. You're going to have to grow into the capacity for more intimate relationships that are not so exploitative. You're going to have to be attracted or go out with or get involved with people that are not like your husband.

59:24 Adam What's she supposed to do with her chlamydia? She's got that under control?

59:27 Drew Yeah, she got that.

59:28 Adam It hurts after she had a crush on a young guy. How about Diana from La Puente? Diana, you're 17?

59:41 Caller Yeah.

59:42 Adam What's up?

59:46 Caller No, I've liked this guy for seven years. I'm trying to figure out how to hook up with him.

59:51 Adam Please say the same thing. Do you know this song?

59:57 Drew Oh, I got a Hawker to play.

59:58 Adam All right. Wait. Turn that down, Anderson. How dare you? She's Japanese, yes? She's Japanese. She's Japanese. Ethnicity. Ethnicity. I was wrong.

1:00:12 Caller I can't really hear you.

1:00:13 Adam All right. We're cool. Can you hear me? Yeah. It's her phone line. Okay.

1:00:18 Caller Yeah.

1:00:18 Adam Your phone line's crap. You had a crush on a guy for seven years.

1:00:21 Caller And I used to kick his ass for two.

1:00:25 Adam And now you want to get with him?

1:00:28 Caller Yeah. And he scares me.

1:00:30 Drew Why?

1:00:31 Caller Because he has a staring problem.

1:00:33 Drew Staring?

1:00:35 Caller Yeah. Like back in the days, I used to kick his butt because I used to really, really like him. And I don't know. Back then, I used to be violent. And so, and he was a lot shorter than me. He was up to my shoulders and I was like four feet. I'm gonna go to this school.

1:01:05 Adam It's called Juvie.

1:01:06 Caller And he stares at me.

1:01:08 Drew Oh, yes, he stares at you all the time. He likes you too.

1:01:10 Adam He likes you. It means he likes you and or he's scared of you.

1:01:14 Drew Yeah, but both probably a good thing. So if you ask him out, ask him to movie or something, he'll be all about it. Don't worry.

1:01:22 Adam Tell him you go out or you beat the ass out of it.

1:01:25 Drew And tell him, by the way, that's why you used to beat him up, because you really liked him, because you know how to express it.

1:01:28 Adam All right, Diana, can you do that? Just go, just go talk to him.

1:01:34 Caller But I tried talking to him, like, now I try to say what's up or something, he'll say hi or whatever, but his friends talk a lot of crap about me. His friends don't, don't like me whatsoever.

1:01:44 Drew Why?

1:01:46 Caller I have no idea. I know they talked to one of my ex-best friends who has a habit of running his mouth.

1:01:53 Drew About what?

1:01:53 Caller Runs his mouth.

1:01:54 Drew About what?

1:01:56 Caller Because I'm his ex-girlfriend's best friend, and his ex-girlfriend has a baby with him, and he does shit for the baby.

1:02:04 Caller Hold on.

1:02:05 Drew She is a class act.

1:02:07 Caller Ooh. Yeah, that's great.

1:02:09 Drew Yeah. Beating on guys since she was 11.

1:02:14 Adam Fantastic.

1:02:15 Drew Drops the S-bomb. Best friend has a baby.

1:02:18 Adam Perfect.

1:02:21 Caller Yeah.

1:02:22 Drew Will you let me pick the calls?

1:02:24 Caller All right.

1:02:24 Adam Well, I am. You wanted, look. What are you talking about? You had a chlamydia call and you're going right to a herpes call. So I wanted to get something in between two venereal diseases for the love of Christ.

1:02:36 Drew Happy now?

1:02:36 Caller Here's the good news. I found a pipeline straight to Mexico. Here's the deal. You just got to ask and I'll let you know if they're playing because sometimes they take breaks.

1:02:44 Drew All right. Let's just do a quick.

1:02:46 Adam Accordion countdown?

1:02:47 Drew Accordion countdown, yeah.

1:02:48 Adam Are they playing Anderson?

1:02:49 Caller Yeah, they're playing.

1:02:51 Drew All right.

1:02:51 Adam What are you going with?

1:02:52 Drew You first.

1:02:53 Adam Five seconds.

1:02:54 Drew Ten seconds.

1:03:06 Adam Turn it up a little. Turn that down, Anderson. Thank you. And again, it brings you back to what time in your life? The music.

1:03:37 Drew I've got many times with that music.

1:03:38 Adam Brings you back to Windows specifically.

1:03:40 Drew I don't know what you're getting at.

1:03:43 Adam Listen, you idiot. What were you talking about last time when we were playing this music?

1:03:48 Drew I can't remember what I said.

1:03:48 Adam The time in your life it brings you to?

1:03:51 Drew I can't remember. What did I say?

1:03:52 Adam You idiot. You're talking about being in New England and studying.

1:03:56 Drew Oh, yes, of course. Of course.

1:03:58 Caller I think of when I had my painter in my house.

1:04:01 Adam Painter?

1:04:02 Drew Yeah.

1:04:03 Caller He was into that music.

1:04:04 Adam But you're talking about like a classic painter. No, he was just painting my-

1:04:10 Drew Fine art painter. Fine art. He's doing portraits. Yeah.

1:04:14 Adam He's painting a fruit ball.

1:04:16 Drew Still life?

1:04:17 Adam Or was he abstract?

1:04:19 Drew Abstract expressionism, yes.

1:04:21 Adam What medium did he work in? Dunn-Edwards?

1:04:24 Caller I believe so. I didn't check.

1:04:26 Drew All right.

1:04:27 Adam Drew, what's it going to take with you? You did 20 minutes on bringing back to New England.

1:04:32 Drew I didn't know where you were going. I'd be happy to go there if you clue me in.

1:04:37 Adam Well, let me explain something, Drew. It doesn't work as well when I go, do that bit where you talk about being in New England. The part where you're brought in is where you're clued in. You go, Drew, this must bring back memories for you.

1:04:53 Drew It works better when I know what you're talking about. You go, hey asshole, you know what you're talking about. As opposed to going, remember how it used to be in New England? Give me a slight hint.

1:05:02 Adam I want to give it to you a hint, but you did 20 minutes on it last time we did that.

1:05:06 Drew I did 20 again if you didn't just screw the whole thing up by going, hey, you don't remember? You're an asshole. Hey, I didn't remember, God damn it. I didn't remember, Adam. I'm sorry.

1:05:15 Adam Oh my God. Anderson, do you hear this?

1:05:20 Drew Yes.

1:05:21 Adam Get that on tape by the way.

1:05:23 Caller I'm trying to cut his cuss words. He's out of control.

1:05:26 Adam I know.

1:05:26 Caller I love it, Drew.

1:05:27 Drew Yeah, I know you like it.

1:05:28 Adam He's flipping out on me. Apologize.

1:05:31 Drew No.

1:05:31 Adam You apologize. Take it back. Take it back. You have to take it back. Yeah, I know I start yelling at you because no one's smarter and dumber simultaneously. You did 20 minutes on the whole New England thing two days ago. All right.

1:05:47 Drew Yes, sir, Mr. Corolla.

1:05:48 Adam All right. I'm sorry. Look, let's get going. Let's go. Let's break it down. Anderson, am I right or am I right?

1:05:56 Caller Yeah, we got to get going.

1:05:56 Drew Let's break it down.

1:05:58 Adam No, not that. I'm talking about a stupid, waxing poetic about New England.

1:06:02 Caller Yeah, I was thinking Alaska myself.

1:06:04 Adam All right.

1:06:04 Caller I know it's something opposite of Mexico.

1:06:08 Adam Even Anderson knows what he's talking about.

1:06:10 Drew Well, I'm not a doctor.

1:06:11 Caller I don't have that many things on my mind.

1:06:13 Drew See, that works. Katie, what's going on? 24.

1:06:18 Caller Well, I have herpes. I've been seeing this guy for a little over two months, and I haven't told him. But I haven't had an outbreak, so I'm just wondering, is it possible to give it to him if there's no outbreak?

1:06:36 Drew When was the last time you had an outbreak?

1:06:39 Caller Probably about two months ago.

1:06:42 Drew And you're taking a medication for it?

1:06:45 Caller When I have it, they give me the medication. I don't take it.

1:06:49 Adam You don't take the stuff that suppresses it?

1:06:51 Caller No, I need to. I want to get it.

1:06:53 Drew Yeah, you can do that, and then he can wear a condom, and he can understand, hopefully, that the risk then is very slim of him actually contracting it. Well, I think ethically, yeah, you're obliged to tell him.

1:07:02 Adam Well, but if he wears a condom, what if we haven't?

1:07:06 Drew Oh, you've been having sex with him all along? You've been having sex with him all along?

1:07:12 Adam Mm-hmm. And it's a new guy? That's that kind of sex that draws blood.

1:07:19 Drew Yeah.

1:07:20 Adam You know what I mean?

1:07:21 Drew Yeah, the first timers.

1:07:22 Adam Oh, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. It's like the first time you play paintball, shoulder rolls over boulders, crawling under rubs.

1:07:31 Drew Needlessly, by the way. Yeah.

1:07:33 Adam Yeah?

1:07:36 Caller I feel like it's too late for me to tell him.

1:07:40 Adam It is a little weird. OK, let me tell you something. Guys are stupid, OK? You could tell him that you just found out that you had herpes. And in that way, you're sort of half lying and you're off the hook for the past.

1:07:56 Drew And if a guy is really into you, he'll accommodate.

1:07:59 Adam They go into kind of denial mode. Yeah, it becomes a little hiccup and a little speed bump, but it's not a deal breaker if he's into you. And also, you really get off the hook when you do the just found out I had herpes. And you know, guys just aren't that sophisticated. They don't know, huh, what do you mean you just found out? Would you have an outbreak or was there was was there were there ulcers that accumulated? They don't know anything. They barely know what herpes is.

1:08:26 Drew I was we were having sex, so I went to have a regular checkup and they tested me while I was there. And I have warts and I have herpes.

1:08:33 Adam Oh, you do the warts too.

1:08:34 Drew Sure. Why not? You bet they're there.

1:08:37 Adam You know what? I think every time you tell me that I just like I just you know, on those cartoons, when the guy looks at the island, he's real hungry and he's with his partner in terms of a giant drumstick.

1:08:46 Drew Yeah.

1:08:46 Adam I just see a giant wart when I hear you say that.

1:08:48 Drew It must be nice.

1:08:50 Adam Drew, teeing off on me. Were you scared, Chris?

1:08:53 Drew I was like, whoa. That's good. I feel much better.

1:08:57 Adam Feels good. Feels good. How dare you yell at me for yelling at you?

1:09:01 Drew Let's see.

1:09:02 Adam All right, Katie, go ahead and lie. Well, look, here's how I would rationalize it. The important part is that you pass along the information to him that you have herpes. Okay? That's paramount.

1:09:15 Drew You're really obliged to do that. It's the right thing to do.

1:09:18 Adam The part about you guys having sex prior to this with no protection, unfortunately, is neither here nor there.

1:09:25 Drew It's already happened.

1:09:26 Adam It's already happened, and he has to get checked out anyway.

1:09:30 Drew If he did not have herpes and you had exposed him to it, he would have symptoms.

1:09:36 Adam There's a better way to do it, too, is you accuse him. Just tell him, you got your pap smear. Guys don't know any of this. They have no idea.

1:09:45 Drew They don't want to hear about it. They put the finger in there.

1:09:46 Adam You tell me you had the pap smear. The doctor said you may have herpes. He suggested you have to get checked out, too. Then you do this sort of thing where, again, it's ambiguous. All you need to do for a guy is give him a little kernel of hope where you go, oh, where do you get it? Well, through sex, could be sharing a towel at the gym, could be a bad pommel horse.

1:10:12 Drew Where did she get it? She should just say, I must have been one of my old partners. I never knew. I had symptoms. I missed it.

1:10:19 Adam Yeah, but again.

1:10:21 Drew Most women that have herpes don't know they have it.

1:10:23 Adam No, and you lie again. You give the kernel truth. You go, you know, but you don't. You do that. Could have been a partner. Could have been a gym towel. You see what I'm saying? That's good. As a guy, especially when you're like a guy and you're young and you're in love and everything, just a little kernel, just a little kernel of BS.

1:10:39 Drew Just to support his denial.

1:10:41 Adam Just a little, you know, now he can tell his buddies. What happened? She had herpes. Where did she get it from? Beach towel. She's at the Y. She works with, you know, she works with the therapy where they put the wheelchair right into the pool. Well, actually, they used to do that and then they lost a couple of kids and now they don't strap them to the wheelchair anymore, not steel ones. But here's the point. That's where she got it. Work with the handicap. You know what I mean? They need something to go on. And then poor dear found out, was devastated, told me, was in tears. Know what I'm saying? Why not? Hey, I'm all for lying if it doesn't help to tell the truth. Point is, the guy's got to go to the doctor, the guy's got to see a fees.

1:11:26 Drew He doesn't even have to do that. We have to work on him, you got to get on the meds and there you go.

1:11:31 Adam Yes, if he got infected, he'd probably know it by now.

1:11:33 Drew He would know it by now, absolutely.

1:11:34 Adam Candice?

1:11:36 Yes.

1:11:36 Adam You're 20?

1:11:38 Caller Yes.

1:11:39 Adam Did you hear Drew yell at me?

1:11:42 Caller I'm sorry. What did you say? I'm at work.

1:11:45 Drew She didn't hear it.

1:11:45 Adam He yelled at me.

1:11:46 Drew Talk to me on the calls. I've been on hold if you want to get some opinions.

1:11:51 Adam Oh, 83 minutes. Sarah's been on hold 83 minutes. Sarah? Do you hear Drew yelling at me?

1:11:57 Caller Yes.

1:11:58 Adam What did you think of that? Yeah, unfair, right?

1:12:02 Caller Yes.

1:12:03 Drew Not very nice.

1:12:04 Adam What happened at Hippocratic Oath? I tried to bring him back to that place when he listened to the Ranchero music and he didn't know what he was talking about so he teed off on me. He freaked on me, man.

1:12:16 Caller All right.

1:12:18 Adam Hold on, Sarah.

1:12:18 Drew Freak Chris out. You can still see he's kind of shaking back there.

1:12:20 Caller Yeah.

1:12:21 Adam It doesn't take much if, you know, roach farts for saying right for days.

1:12:26 Drew Anderson loves it, strangely enough.

1:12:28 Adam Sure. Candice?

1:12:30 Caller Yeah.

1:12:31 Adam So you're 20? You're at work?

1:12:33 Caller Yeah, I am.

1:12:36 Adam Yeah, I passed the security guards on the way in to Kimmel this morning and I thought, yeah, poor Samson. I thought, yeah, must be liberating. Not liberating in a, you know, I came up for a cure for cancer kind of way or I just humped the supermodel kind of way, but it's just kind of, you don't stress out when you go to work.

1:12:59 Drew You go home, you don't leave anything behind.

1:13:01 Adam They're all congregated, they're all talking, I just realized. And if tragedy does strike, they never really get blamed, they get a bullet maybe or whatever, but no one ever goes like, hey, go find this, oh, we blame the security guard.

1:13:14 Drew Where was the security guard?

1:13:14 Adam Who's the guy? What happened? A 911? Well, it could have been, all things could have been avoided if we, they just.

1:13:20 Drew In fact, quite the contrary, all you ever hear is.

1:13:21 Adam Hero.

1:13:22 Drew Hero, yeah.

1:13:23 Adam Hero.

1:13:24 Drew So you get either it's all good or just don't hear anything.

1:13:26 Adam Yeah. Yeah, he was a hero because when he was shot, he was shot as he was trying to tune in his walkman, his obese body blocked the hall long enough for people to flee to safety.

1:13:37 Drew So what's your question, Candace?

1:13:40 Adam Well, that's right. There's a shrine in the hall shaped like a pizza.

1:13:43 Caller All right.

1:13:44 Adam Go ahead. Go ahead, Candace.

1:13:46 Caller I have like a really clingy boyfriend. We've been together since July. Like every like five minutes or so, he's always saying, I love you or, you know, he's always giving me a hug or a kiss or, you know, and it's like.

1:14:00 Drew How old is he?

1:14:00 Caller He's actually more feminine than I am.

1:14:02 Drew Well, he's clingy. How old is he?

1:14:04 Caller He's 23.

1:14:06 Drew Oh, he should be through that clingy stuff.

1:14:09 Adam Well, how long have you been with him?

1:14:11 Caller Since July, but we've been friends since like early this year. I met him at school.

1:14:16 Adam Junior college?

1:14:17 Caller No.

1:14:18 Adam What?

1:14:19 Caller The university. I mean, he was working there. He doesn't go there.

1:14:23 Adam Oh, there we go. Now it came into focus. Well, so here's the thing. He's into you. He was friends with you and he's into you, you know, and the thing is, when somebody meets somebody for the first time at a bar and they, you know, exchange glances and phone numbers and all that kind of stuff, it's different than when a guy's been pining for six months. You know, he gets a nice, he's got a lot of love to share at that point.

1:14:46 Drew And was he a virgin this time?

1:14:48 Caller No, I mean, he's not, definitely not a virgin. But, I mean, it's getting on my nerves and I just want to know.

1:14:56 Adam Now why does it get on your nerves? Why does it, because it makes you feel like you're too good for him or something?

1:15:02 Caller No, it's just, it's annoying that every, I mean, can you imagine somebody every five minutes giving you a kiss, giving you a hug? You know, I'm sitting driving in the car and he'll lean over and lean on me while I'm driving or put his hand on my hand while I'm driving, shift gears and stuff.

1:15:16 Drew I'd say 90% of the women that are listening are angry with you for having that guy and not appreciating it. Now him being clingy can be a little bit cumbersome, but you're not really describing clingy, you're just describing affectionate.

1:15:32 Adam Here's my theory, here's an interesting theory, and I asked it, I didn't really ask it the right way, it got shot down, but think about this Drew. When you're with somebody, and it's hard to, especially when you're younger, you're constantly sort of trying to measure your place, your worth, what you look like, what your job is, what your income is, what you drive, where you come from, and then sort of, you want to date up. You like to go out with someone a little bit, I mean look, I hate to say, but this is the way it goes. If you're seven, you want to date an eight, you don't want to date a six. That's how you know you're doing well. And by the way, this is life. If you have an MBA and you're at the head of your class, you went to an Ivy League, and you're making $36,000 a year, hold on, I know that sounds like a King's Ransom, but it's really not that much, okay, and you're making that kind of money, you're not doing that well for yourself. On the other hand, if you got a ninth grade education and thrown out of the tenth grade and you don't have your GED, you're doing okay for yourself. That's what life is. If you're Richard Gere and you're dating a chick who works at the Quik-E-Mart and she's got a thyroid problem, you're not doing that good for yourself. I hate to say it, but that's it, and I've got to keep going here. I know we're on a late break, but I mean, if you're making a ton of money and you're driving the smallest, cheapest Mercedes, that's not the car you should be driving. If you're making a ton of money. On the other hand, for your school teacher, you're driving a great car. That's how we do it. And I think when somebody smothers the other person constantly with affection, they start thinking, well, maybe I can do a little better. This person's happy to be with me. He's the school teacher driving the Mercedes.

1:17:16 Drew This is the Woody Allen, Groucho Marx statement about that never want to be a member of a club that could have me as a member, especially enthusiastically embrace me as a member.

1:17:24 Adam It's not just all that, as a partner, part of your job is sort of letting the other person know that they're lucky to be with you, too.

1:17:31 Drew Right. And especially, by the way, women see clingy as weak and yuck.

1:17:36 Adam It calls it a feminine.

1:17:37 Drew Yeah, right.

1:17:38 Adam All right. Let's. All right. Why don't you just tell them to reel it in a little bit. Stop building a case against them. Like Drew said, 99% of women here are getting angry because they love that.

1:17:49 Drew Yeah, it may be that you just can't handle intimacy, you can't handle closeness. And you gotta look at that, too.

1:17:53 Adam Give it a break. We'll take a break. Everyone, break something off. We'll be right back.

1:17:59 Caller Dude, you got issues.

1:18:02 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:18:04 Caller Here, buddy.

1:18:05 Adam It's Adam.

1:18:05 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

1:18:06 Caller Here to talk about it.

1:18:21 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191. Cary Elway is in here on Wednesday, Jimmy World. We got Anthony Kiedis coming up next week.

1:18:38 Drew Nice.

1:18:39 Adam I don't even know if I've ever met him. Have I ever met him? Has he been on this show?

1:18:44 Caller He's been on this show a few times over the years.

1:18:45 Drew I think you have.

1:18:46 Adam He was here with Robert Downey Jr. He was in here with Robert Downey Jr. I don't think I've ever met Robert Downey Jr. No. I know I've met Anthony Kiedis. Yeah. So anyway.

1:18:57 Caller As they say, out the gate by eight in the spoon by noon, back again by ten.

1:19:04 Adam Powerful. Robert Downey Jr. Much more likable guy than you'd ever know.

1:19:09 Drew Oh yeah. He's a good guy.

1:19:10 Adam Incredibly likable. Yeah. I got to get him back in here. All right.

1:19:15 Drew I got to share a minute in the bathroom that we just had. I was walking by the latrine where Adam had just finished doing his business. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Asparagus again, Adam? For God's sakes.

1:19:22 Adam Asparagus, yeah. A lot of asparagus.

1:19:25 Drew It's like there's no debating, no discussing. I know exactly what you had for dinner.

1:19:30 Adam I like asparagus.

1:19:32 Drew A bushel of asparagus.

1:19:34 Adam Yeah.

1:19:34 Drew It's brutal. I'm walking out of the bathroom and I literally am propelled out by the scent.

1:19:40 Adam I would like a car air freshener that just smelled like my asparagus whiz. If you think about it like-

1:19:47 Drew A little stalks of asparagus hanging off the wind.

1:19:50 Adam First off, the car scents are like ridiculous like cherry vanilla and stuff. Stuff smells like a pimps apartment. Yeah. It smells like a pimps hamper. It's a weird stuff. I wouldn't mind some peppermint or something. It's just ridiculous. Stuff smells like an old porno magazine. It's weird and sweet and waxy. Mildew meets jizz, wax meets weed. How about some asparagus whiz?

1:20:18 Drew Why not, really?

1:20:19 Adam Well, here's the thing. I drive a two-seater. I'm in the car alone 99 percent of the time. How about I smell my own asparagus whiz? Or my own ass?

1:20:28 Drew Let me be the first to testify. It impresses.

1:20:32 Adam I got to tell you this, Drew. What about this? Let's just say you're a chemist. We capture your essence and we give it back to you. Now, just hold on a second.

1:20:47 Drew I'm just thinking essence under different conditions too.

1:20:49 Adam Oh, yeah. Here's a flop sweat. Here's a sex sack. This is what your sack smells like when you're getting on. Yeah. But you know that crazy, can't get enough of your own funk kind of thing you get into every once in a while. Come on, please. You've been out jogging. It's a hot day. You've covered six miles. You get home. You're getting into the shower. You get a shot of your own sack. You stop for a second. You just sort of lift. You take a moment to smell the roses. It's the same with the gas and the scooping and the whole thing.

1:21:27 Drew It's nothing you enjoy. You're impressed by it.

1:21:29 Adam You appreciate it. It's as close as we get to our sort of animal forefathers. The prehistoric man as we can get to. It hits on a nerve. It digs in deeper than just smelling something that smells of lilacs.

1:21:45 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:21:46 Adam This is important. This is visceral.

1:21:48 Drew Yes.

1:21:49 Adam Now, couldn't you go to a chemist and I just blast one into a beaker or I give them a little shot of the asparagus whiz or whatever it is.

1:21:58 Drew Yes, you should be able to do that.

1:21:59 Adam Synthesize my asparagus whiz.

1:22:01 Drew There's a company called International Flavor and Fragrances.

1:22:05 Adam I could go to those people.

1:22:06 Drew They should be able to come up with Corolla whiz.

1:22:08 Caller Right.

1:22:09 Drew And Corolla.

1:22:09 Adam Sack.

1:22:10 Caller Sack sack.

1:22:11 Drew And Duke and it's all.

1:22:13 Adam Ace is Jack's sack.

1:22:14 Drew Ace is, what do you call it? Anal nectar? Rectal nectar.

1:22:18 Adam Rectal nectar. I can't remember. But the point is, is I could then have my own air fresheners. God knows the shape they'd be in.

1:22:27 Drew Oh, beautiful.

1:22:29 Adam Big scrotum hanging from the rear view. But no, you do the asparagus like the asparagus.

1:22:34 Drew The dog asparagus and the pot of honey for the nectar.

1:22:39 Adam Right. Right. The point is, is I get my own scent going and then that's it. Like when I turn the heater on and then someone climbs to the car. That's my ass fragrance. It's hanging from the rear view. Nice.

1:22:55 Drew You wouldn't say that. That's me.

1:22:58 Adam I would take it out before you would have a carpooling or something.

1:23:01 Drew Yeah.

1:23:04 Adam Not a bad plan. Yes.

1:23:06 Drew I expect to see it actualized.

1:23:08 Adam I mean, really, if you could get your own funk in the form of one of those Christmas tree air fresheners. Be worth 40 bucks, do you want it? Last couple of months. Of course. Sarah? You're 18? What's up?

1:23:32 Drew Erected.

1:23:32 Adam Your husband?

1:23:33 Drew Boyfriend.

1:23:35 Adam Oh, it's funny because it said boyfriend. I thought you said husband. Your boyfriend won't stay, hold on, don't cut the ass. See, that's a sample I can send off to the lab.

1:23:46 Drew Yeah, just follow it up. Look at this, I'm fully protected this time.

1:23:49 Adam Drew's covered up. Yeah. He won't stay erected during sex.

1:23:54 Drew Anything about him we should know? Is he have any medical problems? Is he on any medication? Does he wear a condom when he's having sex? What? Is he wearing a condom when he, I'm sorry, you can't understand me.

1:24:03 Adam Drew's got a sweatshirt pulled up over his face.

1:24:06 Drew But does he wear a condom when he's having sex?

1:24:09 Caller Well, we used to but that didn't help it so we stopped.

1:24:13 Drew What are you doing for birth control now?

1:24:18 Adam All right. Then what? It says up here he beats off afterward?

1:24:22 Caller Yes.

1:24:23 Adam Where are you when he's beaten off?

1:24:26 Caller I'm on my next term.

1:24:29 Drew That's kind of weird, huh?

1:24:32 Adam He does it right in front of you. You're fine.

1:24:39 Drew Shields down.

1:24:40 Adam No, I know. She's like Vietnam fat. He then says halfway into sex he loses his erection and then he says, I got to masturbate and I just need to be in the room or you can get up and leave?

1:24:56 Caller No, he doesn't care.

1:25:00 Adam You can stay or leave.

1:25:02 Drew Do you discuss this with him? Does he bring it up? Is he willing to talk with you?

1:25:07 Caller He gets really upset about it. He doesn't know why it happens and he's always apologizing.

1:25:15 Drew How long before it happens? For a long time is he able to keep it erect and then suddenly loses it?

1:25:20 Caller He'll keep it erected and he'll get me off and then he'll lose it after that.

1:25:27 Drew How long does that take?

1:25:28 Adam By the way, I'm just thinking about it. If she says erected constantly and you say wrecked, she must think you're pronouncing it or using it incorrectly. Hence, she's sticking with her. That's the other good thing. Hey, the doc over here is saying it a different way.

1:25:46 Caller No adjustment.

1:25:48 Adam Stick with the game plan. Alright there, Sarah. He stays erected for how long?

1:25:57 Drew What if he sort of gets himself closer to orgasm?

1:25:59 Adam That's not too bad by the way.

1:26:01 Drew It's above normal basically. I wonder if he's able to sort of stimulate himself to the point that he can nearly have an orgasm before they start having sex and then maybe he won't lose it.

1:26:14 Caller We've done that and it helps sometimes but not forever.

1:26:21 Adam Do you give him oral sex?

1:26:23 Caller Yes.

1:26:23 Adam Does he like that?

1:26:25 Caller Yes, he does.

1:26:25 Adam Can he have an orgasm that way?

1:26:29 Caller He hasn't been able to before because my jaw isn't stable. When I hold it open, it'll like slam shut. So I'm worried that it will slam shut while I'm doing it.

1:26:45 Adam By the way, rap to go into the relationship with, Drew, tell your daughter when it comes time to date. Like, hey, I love giving oral, but I do have a problem. At any time, my jaw could snap shut. I mean, I took a dentist's ring finger off once. I once actually snapped a mop handle right off the last four inches. Just pow. When it shuts, it's like a rat trap. And it might not happen for a month, but it might happen twice in five minutes. Imagine a guy would be like, we're cool. I'm just going to beat off and cry.

1:27:28 Drew No, a guy would be like, bring it on. Right.

1:27:32 Adam All right, well, I'm going to have to tongue your bunghole, then, for now. Well, that's how guys are, to be honest. All right, Sarah, I don't know. What can I say? The guy takes fifteen minutes and then he does it, he's got a jaw problem. He's very apologetic. I don't understand the part where he just sits there and does it in front of you, though. He doesn't have you help him or, you know.

1:27:55 Drew Yeah, it sounds funny about him.

1:27:56 Caller I help him, sometimes.

1:28:00 Adam I know, but, okay. She's presenting it as he goes limp in the middle, and then he rolls over and starts masturbating. He doesn't care from there or not. And then you get that, then it comes into, well, he's very apologetic, he's ashamed of it, and I help him sometimes.

1:28:16 Drew Hard to tell what's really going on here. I almost wonder if this is a point for some Viagra for a while just to get them through this. I wouldn't normally recommend that for an 18, 19-year-old, but just to get them to-

1:28:26 Adam A little confidence builder?

1:28:27 Drew Yeah, just to get them sort of back in the game.

1:28:28 Adam What about you become psychologically dependent on it?

1:28:32 Drew Then you got a problem. But the fact is, I think that they could work this out if they just sort of focused on it a little bit. It doesn't sound like an instrumental approach. I kind of think he's actually probably focused too much on her. He wears himself out. Then they just lose it.

1:28:45 Adam She's like depressed and kind of mixed and weird about the whole thing and sort of wounded. Don't be wounded. Just have a talk about it and work it out.

1:28:55 Drew That's right.

1:28:55 Adam Alright, we'll take a break. We'll be right back.

1:28:58 Caller Loveline.

1:29:02 Caller My hair.

1:29:02 Caller We'll be right back.

1:29:04 Caller Loveline is brought to you by Bravo. Watch the 100 scariest movie moments this week at 9-8 Central.

1:29:13 Adam Hey, everybody. Loveline. I'm Adam. Dr. Drew. We'll hop back to the phones. Let me tell you this, Drew. Here's what I was thinking of. I say people don't honk enough in this town. There's no honking going on. I'm not sure why. I get the feeling there's a lot of people that are from different lands and different parts of the country.

1:29:36 Drew And more space here, too.

1:29:38 Adam A little more space. They don't want to use their horns. Why not? Oh, they don't want to get shot. What's that?

1:29:43 Caller In New York, it's only the cab drivers who are honking.

1:29:46 Drew There only are cab drivers on the road.

1:29:47 Caller We don't have many cab drivers.

1:29:48 Adam It's an interesting theory, but no. If you walk down Manhattan streets, everybody's on the horn all the time.

1:29:57 Drew It's illegal to honk here, isn't it? There's something weird.

1:29:59 Adam There is something.

1:30:00 Drew Yeah.

1:30:00 Adam Well, it goes against the Quaalude Laws where you have to just drive around like you're a goddamn zombie. But yes, the cabbies do a lot of honking in New York and so does everybody because if the light changes and you're sitting there for three Mississippi they're on you.

1:30:18 Drew Oh, three Mississippi.

1:30:19 Adam Half of Mississippi, yeah. You will get hit with an ashtray.

1:30:24 Drew Yeah, yeah. Three Mississippi you get hit with something.

1:30:26 Adam Right. Fine. I'm all for it. But here's where I realized nobody honks in Los Angeles except, of course, me. Here's where they do honk in Los Angeles, living up in the hills. They honk as they're going around the corners up in the hills. So the only goddamn time they honk is when they're driving around my house because it's a curvy hill. And it's like sometimes it's like 6.45 in the morning. It's not the toot either. It's like, I was sleeping this morning. It was like a 6.45 and it was like, oh, someone's out front or something. I just turned in the corner. You got to honk because you're in a hill.

1:31:05 Drew That has never occurred to me to do that. Especially not early morning.

1:31:09 Adam Old people lean on the horn when they're going around like a mountain corner because they can't see what's around them.

1:31:15 Drew Well, in that pyramid you're on, people go at least 12 miles an hour. At least.

1:31:19 Adam Yeah, it's awesome. So I realized this is when you honk. Now I'm back. Now it's come full circle. Now I want you not to honk. Never. When all horns come, it's good. Fantastic. Listen, A-holes, don't honk. By the way, people live right in there. They're sleeping and stuff. You got to ride the horn. Just turn the corner, would you? Throw fate to the wind.

1:31:42 Drew We need to play one more accordion count down before the night's out.

1:31:46 Adam Really?

1:31:46 Drew We do.

1:31:46 Adam Because we're getting a lot of feedback when we do it.

1:31:49 Drew We just won't talk.

1:31:50 Caller I fixed that.

1:31:51 Adam Oh, you fixed it? All right. This is Ace's Mexican accordion countdown.

1:31:55 Caller Hold on. They're not playing right now.

1:31:58 Drew They're taking a break.

1:31:59 Adam All right. It's ranchero music. It's a game that's sweeping the nation. I predict bigger than Germany or Florida. Ashley? You're 18? What's up, baby doll?

1:32:13 Caller About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I've been on birth control about three years. And well, we actually caught it before it got into cancer.

1:32:26 Drew Endometriosis isn't cancer.

1:32:29 Caller Well, they thought because it runs my family.

1:32:31 Drew Yeah, that's something different.

1:32:32 Caller Well, yeah, so we were scared that I would have cancer.

1:32:35 Drew You don't have cancer?

1:32:37 Adam No. Now, do they get the pre-cancer cells and the abnormal pap smear or is it just a nutball disease?

1:32:46 Caller Yeah, I was on medication that they put on severe cancer patients for about three months because I had excessive bleeding for four months.

1:32:53 Drew Yeah, you don't have cancer, Ashley. Stop thinking that you have cancer. You might have cancer. It's not being used to anything related to cancer for you. Were you on MEG ACE or something?

1:33:03 Caller Yeah, I think so.

1:33:05 Drew These are all ways of manipulating the hormones. That's all.

1:33:09 Adam Ashley, now that you're free of cancer. You've survived cancer. Maybe you should celebrate by playing ACE's Mexican Accordion Countdown.

1:33:23 Caller They're being astral-lazy right now, guys.

1:33:25 Adam They're not playing the music, huh? I have no idea what Anderson is tapped into, by the way.

1:33:31 Caller It's a direct pipeline, but sometimes I play it, sometimes I don't.

1:33:34 Drew Ranchero pipeline.

1:33:36 Adam What do you mean a direct Ranchero pipeline?

1:33:39 Caller It's radio magic. But we got a direct pipeline, but they like to sit down and eat off the grill sometimes, and that's what they're doing right now.

1:33:45 Drew It's Ozzy. He sits at the barbecue.

1:33:47 Adam I still have no idea what's going on, but you'll tell us when they start playing, yes?

1:33:53 Drew Yes.

1:33:54 Adam Ashley. Yes? Okay, so the question is...

1:33:59 Caller The question is, I was on Lipron. Yes, I was on that for about eight months, because I wanted to have my body...

1:34:09 Drew Yes, yes. It's for your endometriosis. And what's your question?

1:34:14 Caller My question is, I've been on birth control for three years, and I was on that for eight months, and I was wondering if there were really any long-term side effects?

1:34:19 Drew No. You'll get your endometriosis control. That's a good thing. You're fine. In fact, where did I see some other benefits of being on the birth control pill? Less heart disease, less heart disease, less strokes, less bone disease, less cancer of the ovaries, less cancer of the... I mean, just multiple, multiple benefits of being on oral contraceptive pills and the doses that are now available.

1:34:38 Adam What about all those stupid hippie bra's? They're like, I don't know, they manipulate. Move to China, you nutjobs. Go drink your herbal tea and shut your pie holes. And then when something goes wrong, you come back begging for some real medicine.

1:34:56 Drew Everyone knows that people in China throughout history, no one's ever been healthier. They never needed Western medicine. No. They had cures for cancer. No one ever got cancer.

1:35:06 Adam That's why they have a billion people over there. No one's ever died. Since the Ming Dynasty.

1:35:12 Drew They're all the same people.

1:35:13 Adam They've never died. The guys are rolling around, they're 3,000 years old. Still jogging. And you know what? They respect their families. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I just, Drew and I both have an ass full of all the Hollywood types with their enemas and their herbal teas and their western medicine once the man wants to poison you. It's all great. Yeah, yeah. How you doing with the AIDS? You drinking the green tea? Oh, you want the AZT?

1:35:47 Drew Oh, that's a different kind of tea. AIDS was created. It's a fiction. It does nothing with HIV. How dare you?

1:35:53 Adam Listen, all you pussies. You're all full of your crap until you get sick. And then you got to go to the man and start kissing his ass and get some real drugs. Oh, the rest, it's all one big enema party and one big, oh, I'm cleansing myself and I'm removing the toxins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you get sick. And now you got to go kiss the man's ass. That's how it works. Hypocrites. Just shut up about your junk. Would you shut up already? Your lifestyle? Shut up! Go live your lifestyle! Shut up about it! Jesus Christ! Oh, well, over there they have the wisdom of their force. Shut up!

1:36:34 Drew Uh, instantaneous. How many seconds?

1:36:36 Adam Oh. Uh, six seconds is what I'm going with. You ready, Anderson? Action. You know what I like about this song, turn up a little, Anderson? This is a departure.

1:37:01 Drew I can barely identify it as Ranchero music.

1:37:04 Adam Never heard this one before.

1:37:06 Drew Novel. Oh. Wait, there's an accordion.

1:37:14 Adam What the hell was that?

1:37:17 Drew I don't know.

1:37:18 Adam All right, we got to take ourselves a little break. Drew, that's getting too easy now.

1:37:24 Drew Yeah.

1:37:25 Adam We need to find something between Classical and Ranchero.

1:37:29 Drew Yodeling? Something about yodeling.

1:37:31 Adam Something that has a little more accordion like. We'll take a little break. We'll be right back after this.

1:38:00 Caller You got a pipeline or whatever?

1:38:02 Caller Yeah, it's just a radio station. But it's random and they're all different songs, that way it can't be fixed. We're not allowed to be playing on another radio station. That's what that was. I cut it out at the end. Just go with me on the magic of radio and the pipeline straight to Mexico. Why don't they go with me? I don't know.

1:38:35 Drew That's my assessment too.

1:38:43 Adam Thank you! Well, that's the show in and on time.

1:38:44 Drew What do you know there, Drew? We'll have to talk for a few more minutes.

1:38:46 Adam Back with more complaints tomorrow night. I'll tell you that right now.

1:38:50 Drew That was my reverse psychology again.

1:38:53 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:38:53 Adam Okay. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew, saying Mahalo.

1:38:58 Caller Well, we talked on the cell phone a little while ago.

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Monday, October 25, 2004