Episode 1000653273777

0:57 Voiceover Online is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Sexually oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline. Loveline.

1:17 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Diction Medicine Specialist. See the amber alerts on the right end, Drew?

1:33 Drew Yes, I did.

1:34 Adam Yeah, a lot of...

1:34 Drew Fourth Thunderbird.

1:36 Adam 86. Yeah.

1:38 Drew Wait, here's what struck me. 86 Thunderbird with a license plate beginning with the number 5. That means just purchased.

1:46 Adam Is that what that means?

1:47 Drew It's a brand new, yeah. It's a new license plate.

1:49 Adam Five means new license plate.

1:51 Drew Yeah, it's five, then three letters, then three numbers. And they've just recently, you know, that's...

1:56 Adam That's how it goes?

1:57 Drew That's up to the fives now, yeah.

1:59 Adam Yeah, they have these big freeway signs out here in Los Angeles. They don't use them for anything except for when a deadbeat dad snatches his kid up and starts running for Florida. And then they put it in. So ironically, not that it's a bad thing that they use it for that, but ironically, the thing that was there to alleviate traffic only slows traffic up more because the only goddamn time they use the signs is when some kid gets abducted.

2:26 Drew They're slowing down writing down the license plate.

2:28 Adam Yeah. And when I say abducted, I don't mean there's abducted and there's abducted and there's raped and there's raped.

2:36 Drew This isn't a kidnap. This is a dad's pest and he took off.

2:39 Adam No, dad had the kid for the weekend, shared custody, and is trying to set a statement, send a message to mom by not returning the kid. That's how that works.

2:48 Drew It's equivalent of the 911 call.

2:50 Adam Usually families that have 13 or 14 kids, too. So, you know, what are you going to do? You know what I mean? It's like you got a litter of gerbils. The dad eats one of them. All right. You got 12 left. All right. But yeah, other than that, unusable, evidently. Can't let you...

3:08 Drew Oh, last night, if you recall, there was an accident. And the accident was about 400 feet after the sign.

3:14 Adam Make it 100 feet. Let you know what was going on. Yeah, not the sign before that one.

3:18 Drew No, no, that one was black.

3:19 Adam Just that sign. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's a great use of taxpayer money. By the way, I had a lovely argument with my mom about driving. And she said, everyone in this town honks. I said, no, nobody in this town honks. She said, oh, they honk at me. I said, because you're the one who's camped out at the red. You're not turning right. You can turn right. Well, you know, I'm playing it safe. I said, well, let's get going. And everybody's argument is, what's the rush? What's the rush? And it's like, it's not for you to decide whether I'm in a rush or not.

4:03 Drew Did you say that to her?

4:05 Adam I know all you a-holes who are, you know, on the dole and heading a choir practice in Kaneho want the world to slow down to a crawl with you. Other people have jobs and obligations and they're trying to do things. It's not for you to decide what their pace should be. You're not the goddamn metronome. Your job is to follow the rules and go.

4:26 Drew Well, to get in the way of people is passive aggressive.

4:29 Adam Yeah, listen. Yeah, it's like it's rude. It's rude for you to honk. It's rude for you to drag your ass in front of me. So say this all the time. Here's the example. You're walking down the sidewalk. You come up next to somebody. The person you come up next to on the sidewalk is just doing a little window shopping. Wife's inside buying something and he's out there killing time. You're running late for work. So as you try to pass him, he puts his arm out. No, no, no, not so fast. We'll go at my pace. Now, who's rude? That's what they're doing when they're camped out at the light. They're putting their arm out saying, Oh, no, listen, I'm a 70-year-old woman who's never had a job. We'll slow down to my pace, which is a raped a sloth. That's the pace.

5:19 Caller She said, Oh, there's nobody honking.

5:29 Adam The person that's honking at you, by the way. And she's like, Oh, people honk. People honk way too. People don't honk enough.

5:35 They don't honk at all.

5:37 Adam They honk in New York. They don't honk here. Here, they do the confusing honk. You wave by to your buddies, pull down the driveway, you turn around, you start heading into the house.

5:46 Caller Neat, neat.

5:47 Adam Oh, what do you do? Forget his glasses. You start heading out and you see him going away.

5:51 Caller What are you honking for? I don't need the neat, neat honk.

5:54 Adam I just said bye.

5:56 Caller You know that honk?

5:57 Drew And by the way, the honk here is never the kind of honk that's in the arc. It's always kind of, I mean, it's like, hey, hey, wake up, wake up. It's never car.

6:03 Adam Oh, I'm never leaning on it.

6:05 Drew What is that?

6:06 Adam What is that I'm driving, I'm pulling out the drive back and down the driveway honk?

6:10 Drew The greeting. Farewell greeting.

6:12 Adam Don't do it when the person has turned their back on the car and has walked back to the door.

6:16 Drew You can't see us wave then. So we have to honk.

6:19 Adam You do the honk when the person's waving the toot toot.

6:22 Drew Yeah, but then you're waving.

6:23 Adam How many times you got the toot toot at the door and you're like, huh? What did they do? They forgot something and you start heading back and you just see their tail lights going down the street. Yeah, thank God.

6:33 Drew How do you resolve with your mind? I gotta hear the end of this. How do you resolve it?

6:35 Adam I just told her get moving. And she didn't feel safe.

6:40 Drew Believe me. Yes. Alright.

6:42 Adam You ready to rock here, Drew?

6:43 Drew Take calls.

6:44 Adam Very uncomfortable.

6:45 Drew Let's not take calls. Don't take any calls.

6:47 Adam Oh yeah?

6:48 Drew Taking calls.

6:49 Adam What do you think of that, smart guy?

6:51 Drew Oh, come on.

6:51 Adam Lucille? What's up?

6:55 I wanted to know what the risks of fisting are.

6:59 Drew The what? The risks of fisting?

7:02 Yeah.

7:06 Adam Vaginal fisting?

7:07 Drew As opposed to nasal? Nasal fisting.

7:09 Adam You ever had the nasal fister?

7:10 Drew Aural. A-U-R-A.

7:11 Adam Well, seems like same kind of damage you could do with a bowling pin or anything else that was bigger than the opening.

7:22 Drew If you called last, if you listened last night, we had a woman call who was having her second bladder repair for a bladder prolapsing, falling into her vagina. We talked about how stretching that area can cause the uterus to fall down and the rectum to fall in, all kinds of good stuff. It's good times. But that area is fairly resilient, obviously.

7:44 Adam Why? What's going on with you?

7:45 Oh, it's something I practice.

7:48 Adam You practice fisting?

7:49 Drew Practice. Practice. I'm trying to think of the choice of that word practice.

7:54 Adam Well, you always get... You gotta constantly practice. So when the day comes, when the fist comes, you're ready. You know what I mean? You drill and drill and drill. It's like a volunteer fire department. Lucille? Who does the fisting on you?

8:11 Just partners that I've had.

8:13 Adam Oh, I see. Not a pet or a grandparent or something like that.

8:18 Drew Just random partners. I think it paints a very vivid picture for me.

8:20 Adam Are these females?

8:22 No, males.

8:24 Adam Where's your dad? Are you angry?

8:31 Drew No. Where's the guy putting her up to this call?

8:33 Adam It's either bogus or you're angry or something. I don't know, but I'm getting the cadence, the angry cadence. What's your dad do? This close to hanging up. Alright, landscaping.

8:51 Drew Horrible.

8:52 Adam Landscaping is one of those things. Now, it sounds like you have a job. It's really, you're just digging ditches. You're just dragging boulders and stuff.

9:01 Drew Someone's got to make a lot of money unless the landscape architect is dead.

9:04 Adam Yeah, the guy who does Disneyland does, but not this guy. Hey, Lucille? Alright, so what's up? You love your dad? He's okay, but not a ringing endorsement.

9:18 Drew How's mom?

9:20 Adam What?

9:20 Drew How's mom?

9:24 Adam Well, I would talk to you a little more, but you're angry and you got that angry cadence thing that makes us drag every goddamn thing out of you and that like to Mississippi before every answer, so I got no more time for you. So go fist away. Alright. Let's, people don't even know it, but I always tap into it.

9:41 Drew Well, strangely enough, it's always people that have been victimized that you really go nuts on.

9:46 Adam To Mississippi.

9:48 Drew We can pretty much predict that she was victimized.

9:50 Adam Here are your choices. Your choices are an answer that gets you no further along or I repeat the question. It's amazing. You get that what do people do? They're self-employed. What do people do? They own their own business.

10:05 Drew Who did you do this action with? This fisting with?

10:07 Adam It's always yourself guys. So go ahead and ask me.

10:09 Drew Who do you fist with?

10:12 Adam That's how you ask it.

10:13 Drew Who did the fisting?

10:14 Adam Who did the fisting? One Mississippi, two Mississippi, various partners.

10:19 Drew Where's your dad?

10:20 Adam Two Mississippi, in the bedroom.

10:24 Drew What's he do? What does your dad do?

10:26 Adam One Mississippi, two Mississippi. He has a job.

10:29 Drew And what does that job entail?

10:31 Adam One Mississippi, two Mississippi. Fisting. That's how it works.

10:36 Drew Fisting people to ask that question.

10:38 Adam It just feels like every conversation makes you want to kick them like a jukebox and go, let's go. It feels totally unsatisfying. And yes, it gets you angry and that means something happened to them.

10:49 Drew All right.

10:49 Adam I don't know what happened to her, but you know. Here's the whole thing. I know we're supposed to be compassionate and stuff, but if you're calling, you're asking a question, you're throwing around an attitude, screw you. Just get some therapy.

10:59 Drew It'll be interesting to know what she got out of the fisting. What does one really get from that?

11:07 Adam I don't know, but I do know, you know, your sexuality is something that if it gets screwed with early enough, all bets are off. And then you become like some crazy tribesman who eats some indigenous plant that tastes like bitter paste to us. And to them, it's a delight.

11:23 Drew Right, right.

11:26 Adam You know, it's like you're wearing a warlock's outfit, you're getting fisted, you know, you got a full size picture of your grandmother. What? What? No, no, it doesn't sound good. Oh, no, it's great. It's great to you. I mean, if you're f'd up, I mean, that's just what it that's what everything is, isn't it? Killing is great to some people. They have an orgasm to kill somebody, you know?

11:47 Drew Not sexual.

11:48 Adam Oh, no, it's not.

11:49 Drew Not sexual.

11:49 Adam No. But you come.

11:51 Drew Yeah.

11:54 Yes. Yes.

11:57 Caller What's up?

11:59 My boyfriend are kind of having a problem. He, when we have sex, he always has come early. And usually he can just keep on going after he's done. But lately he comes and he cannot get it back up. It's just gone.

12:17 Drew I thought he had to have come. They sort of moved up the ladder from done come.

12:20 Adam Yeah. It's the next evolution in the F'ed Up Grammar. Okay. How long does it take before he has his first orgasm?

12:32 It's usually within minutes.

12:34 Drew Minutes. Why doesn't he get the first one out of the way before he's even with you?

12:38 He's done that before and then he's just tired. I've tried oral with him to get him to come that way.

12:47 Drew Let me translate tired.

12:50 Adam He's not motivated.

12:51 Drew Yeah, not interested. Not excited.

12:53 Adam Yeah. You need a new broom in there to sweet clean. Yeah.

12:56 Drew I think this guy... Is he on medication?

13:00 No.

13:01 Drew Is there anything else about the relationship we should know?

13:05 We're planning on getting married and everything. He says he loves me very much.

13:10 Adam How long have you been together?

13:12 We've been together almost two years and I've known him since I was three.

13:17 Adam Does he give you oral sex?

13:19 Yes.

13:20 Drew Do you orgasm that way?

13:25 Adam I think that's your goal.

13:27 Drew To find other means other than him having intercourse with you. If it's possible that you can be satisfied by other ways, you've got to incorporate those ways in. I don't like the guy that won't step up. I don't trust that guy.

13:40 Adam Well, he's trying, but it's not working.

13:43 Drew No, he's just saying, he used to have orgasm before and prepare, now it's whatever.

13:49 Adam I know, because there's that time when you're with somebody where it's like, you've got to prove, it's like anything. Every first day on the job, first day at school, you've got to make good, you're going to impress. Plus, everyone you hump becomes like a carrier pigeon. You think, oh, she's going to go out there and start spreading the word. Whatever I am, whatever grade I get, whatever my stamina is like. That's it.

14:15 Drew Whatever grade she gives me, whatever the evaluation is. So you fill out those papers, the end of the session.

14:23 Adam Corolla, D, D, D, D minus, D, D minus. I'm being generous. Yeah, no, that's what happens. And then there comes a certain point when you realize, yes, she's not telling anybody. And I no longer have to try. And when you get to the no longer have to try part, that's trouble.

14:41 Drew Yeah, I think there's trouble. And it's a sign that he doesn't care to try. And either he's the kind of guy then that not really care-taking, not really caring about his partner, or he's not really into his partner. Either way, it's not a great thing.

14:54 Adam Right. But it's unfair for the girls to grade the new guy.

14:58 Drew The same, yeah.

15:00 Adam It's ironic that the guy, the previous boyfriend, has never been at it. He's like a battery that has been completely drained. You know what I mean? Picture the Energizer Bunny just barely moving, and then she's comparing that to the new guy who's basically trying to, you know, is banging her like a ferret on a triple cappuccino. He's just going at it.

15:25 Drew Here's what that tells you about the male biology. He wasn't meant to stick around.

15:29 Adam The last guy?

15:32 Drew Guys in general, you know what I mean? Their biology is good at the beginning, and then Peter's out.

15:37 Adam God meant us to move on after about eight months, because, yeah, we start tapering down to it's nothing.

15:44 Drew And you've got to be able to sort of work with that. A guy has to be aware of that and push him on a little bit and work with it and be in this partner to the point that he's getting close to home for you, Adam.

15:53 Adam Well, not everyone shares your passion.

15:54 Drew I understand. I can see that in the glaze on your face. But I also saw some other thought bubble float by.

16:01 Adam That was a fart.

16:02 Drew Uh-huh.

16:03 Adam Yeah.

16:03 Drew Not again. You notice I can't prepare it tonight.

16:05 Adam Yeah.

16:06 Drew Full gear, armor.

16:07 Adam Yeah. Drew brought his shield tonight.

16:09 Drew That's right.

16:09 Adam He had nothing. He had nothing but a button-down shirt.

16:14 Drew That's the last time I'm doing that.

16:15 Adam That's not going to save you. That's like wearing a Yamaha in a drag racing accident. Nothing. No protection.

16:22 Drew That was brutal last night.

16:23 Adam Yeah. Well, let some good gas go. Chris? And then...

16:26 Drew Brutal, right?

16:27 Adam Yeah.

16:28 Drew Very brutal.

16:28 Adam Yeah. And then Drew let something go and then they collided and morphed into something that, you know, something wicked that way came for both of us. And then I didn't know whose fart I was enjoying and then I got nauseated. Let's go, Drew. Here we go.

16:44 Drew Let's break it down.

16:44 Adam What? Let's rock out. Let's go. Let's break it down. Come on now. Get a hand in. Get a hand in. Where are we going? What happened with Marie?

16:53 Drew She was the one we just talked to.

16:54 Adam Well, what? She okay? Well, we didn't help her. Did we help her?

16:58 Drew Well, we said he's got to step it up or she's got to look at whether or not really this relationship is what she thinks it is.

17:04 Adam He can start trying.

17:05 Drew Yeah. And then you mentioned oral sex, that kind of thing, to try to incorporate other means of intercourse into their action.

17:11 Adam Christine? 22? What's up?

17:17 I just wanted to call and say that I love you and Dr. Drew, I think you are both very attractive older men and I don't understand why anybody hasn't asked you guys to have your own like TV show or something like that. I don't know if you've heard of Talk Sex, it's like some older lady that does that show and she features like different toys like every week or whatever, but I don't know.

17:40 Adam The show's getting popular, isn't it? Or is it? I think I've seen her on something.

17:45 Drew It's not okay. It's not okay.

17:47 Adam What station is it on?

17:48 Drew Oxygen.

17:49 Caller Yeah, I saw something like that and I mean it's great, but I would rather see you guys doing something like that.

17:56 Adam Well once in a while, I'd say it's a cyclical thing, but about every 12 years an old broad comes up and just starts talking graphically about sex and there's something very novel about a 74 year old woman saying, you know, talking about felching and Dirty Sanchez is The thing for me as a professional is that they're never trained to do what they're doing.

18:20 Drew They're never really clinicians with adequate training to get in the material they're getting into.

18:24 Adam Usually.

18:25 Drew They quote literature bizarrely. They talk about rectal vaginal fistulas. They've never seen one in their professional career. It's like, come on.

18:31 Adam They don't even talk about that. And then when you really just sort of take, I don't know, Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura and you break it all down, is it ever anything different than what you thought it was going to be? You know what I mean? It's like, well, me and my husband, we're having you got to go back to that place where there's intimacy. You need to turn the clock back and get back to the place where you two can really enjoy. You need to take some time aside. Not with the kids, not with the pets. Is it ever anything like it's never some goddamn piece of advice where I go like, holy yes.

19:15 Drew Wow. Yeah.

19:16 Adam I never thought of that.

19:17 Drew Right.

19:17 Adam I don't know.

19:18 Drew How do you know that?

19:18 Adam I don't know how you make your life is a sort of guru when it's like your workout guru. It's like, you got to take in less calories, then you're burned. You have to burn more than you take in. So raw fruits and vegetables, exercise, take it easy on the diet pop and the sugary candies. What do you think? Like people like raising their hand. What about halva or marzipan? Is that okay? No, halva. You know what halva tastes like? Halva tastes like a sawdust. It's like sweet sawdust. Here's what it tastes like. Like you ate a sack of sugar and a sack of sand and just cracked it into a bread.

20:03 Drew They press halva. How the hell do you know about that?

20:06 Adam Halva? I know everything.

20:08 Drew You do know everything.

20:09 Adam Here's the point.

20:11 Drew So I can't resist it.

20:12 Adam I tell you, halva, you know, I've said many times that Mexico makes the worst candy and dessert in the world.

20:19 Drew Second.

20:19 Adam The Jews could probably give them a run.

20:21 Drew Absolutely.

20:22 Adam Except for the Jews can do the pastry stuff. But the halva, I put halva up against anything Mexico had to offer. Kicks flan's ass in the craft department. Runs circles around this.

20:33 Drew Sometimes they'll cut chocolate coated to make it somewhat palatable.

20:38 Adam Yeah, but it's really like somebody just dumped the honey into an ashtray, like when a hotel sand ashtray is informed in a bar.

20:46 Drew Yes, it's ash, honey ash, yes.

20:47 Adam Yeah, it's great. And it's got to be, in terms of bad for you versus calories, I mean, versus good taste, there's no worse ratio. Like I don't know, number one is a very sweet cherry, you know, good for you and tastes delightful. Halva's got to be at the very bottom. I don't know, seven billion calories. And it really, it just.

21:08 Drew You can hear your arteries snap shut while you're reading it.

21:10 Adam Yeah, actually, hearing valves close in your heart and it tastes like fried hell.

21:15 Drew Christine.

21:16 Adam What was I talking about, Drew?

21:18 Drew Christine. We had a TV show for about five years on MTV.

21:23 Caller I don't know. I must have been banned to watch MTV at that time.

21:30 Adam That should have been in your wheelhouse because you should have been like 17 or 18 when we were doing that.

21:36 Caller I didn't have cable. My dad didn't allow it.

21:40 Adam I was in the middle of a jag.

21:41 Drew I'm sorry.

21:42 Adam All right. Here's my point. Yeah. And then so you get the old broad who's talking about penises and vaginas, but does it is, like I said, everyone just close your eyes. And here's what I want to say about 90 percent of all information that is passed forward and probably include myself in this traffic reports, weather reports, advice about dating. Oh, tips to avoid a hangover.

22:08 Drew Right.

22:08 Adam What? What? What was that last one? Moderation. Hold on.

22:14 Drew Hold on.

22:16 Adam You say if I if I go out New Year's Eve and only drink half a beer, don't drink.

22:21 Drew That's right.

22:21 Adam Yeah. And what? And again, what's the best way to avoid a holiday hangover?

22:24 Caller Don't drink. Okay.

22:25 Adam Where's the scratch pad?

22:27 Drew Don't drink, Adam.

22:27 Caller Don't drink. Wow. Oh, my God. You got to write a book.

22:32 Drew Well, here's the thing.

22:33 Adam You know what I need? I need one of those. I need one of those quarterback cheat sheet sweat bands that I wear with all your sagely advice on it. Let's see. Lose weight. I said fruits and vegetables, raw. Don't eat.

22:47 Drew Exercise.

22:47 Adam Okay. Avoid a hangover. Don't drink. Don't drink. No. No drinking. Avoid. Oh, how to avoid an STD. What's the best way? No sex. Absence. Absence. That's the only sure way to. This is great. This is huge.

23:03 I should.

23:05 Drew You should publish this. You should.

23:06 Adam You're right.

23:06 You're right.

23:06 Drew You're right.

23:08 Adam Oh, yeah.

23:08 Drew Dr. Adam's zone.

23:10 Adam Oh, and then Schwimmer's got a PSA. Talk to your kids. Oh my God. Where's the band?

23:17 Caller There's not enough room on it.

23:19 Drew Aside from the fact that there's no information in 95% of what's out there, what I find most offensive, it's self-consciously created that way because the media, people that create media talk down to the public.

23:30 Adam They do.

23:31 Drew I got yelled at by the-

23:32 Adam Hold on.

23:33 Caller Wait, wait.

23:33 Adam Do you people hear that? These are big words you're using.

23:37 Drew Yeah, right. I got yelled at by the executive producer of Good Morning America for using biological terms during a morning radio, during morning television broadcast. And I said, you know what? I'm not interested in this anymore.

23:47 Adam Yeah.

23:48 Drew I'm not doing that anymore.

23:49 Adam Told them to kiss your ass. Kiss it. Now they got that old broad talking about vagina. Yeah. But every once in a while, so about every 12 years, an old broad comes around and starts talking about vagina. It's incredibly novel.

24:04 Drew It's just novelty. It's not information. It's novelty.

24:06 Adam But again, is there any actual information that anyone ever gets out of this stuff? Or is it just sort of reinforcement? And here's the thing. Like I said, maybe we're just signing our own death warrant here, Drew. And this is why I end up talking about running parking, running red lights and stuff like that.

24:23 Drew We can always go back to the accordion countdown. We got plenty of room here.

24:27 Adam Oh, that's going to be huge. We're going to play that tonight. No, I mean, we're doing that tonight. Good. But here's the thing. There's really, here's why. Because just like dieting, eat less and work out more, relationships, pay attention, be attentive.

24:40 Drew Unicate.

24:41 Adam Try not to see whip your partner. I do that. You know, like what the Pope does with the but different.

24:49 Drew Yours though wouldn't come at the top.

24:51 Adam All this, all this relationship advice, all the dieting advice, all the hangover advice, it's never anything. It's just don't drink, pay attention, eat raw fruits and vegetables. Fantastic. All right. But if you do, you can do it in a real blowhardy way. That's what I like.

25:07 Drew Well, you do it. It's an evangelism. It's all just about evangelism.

25:09 Adam Yeah.

25:10 Drew I'm going to tell you how to do it. I'm going to cure you.

25:12 Adam That's right.

25:13 Drew I'm going to make you skinny.

25:13 Adam That's right. We're not going to do that on the show.

25:16 Drew No. We're going to tell you how long after the music starts, the recording will kick in.

25:21 Adam That's right. We're focused. We're going to prioritize. All right. So now we're going to try to play some Ace's Mexican Accordion Countdown when we come back. But I'm not sure if engineer Chris is up to it.

25:34 Drew You got any Ranchero music? What do you mean? I don't have any. Ranchero music. You know what that is? Yeah. But I don't have any.

25:39 Adam Yeah.

25:40 But we can't do it from that end, guys, because then you can't record the show and it's an abortion. So we got to work something out.

25:45 Drew We'll get the radio.

25:45 Adam No, no. Let me say this about you. Let me say this about you, Drew, first off. I'm sorry. It's a shock that engineer Anderson doesn't like the game.

25:55 No, I'm down with the game.

25:56 Adam It's a great game.

25:57 I'm trying to help you out. I had everything set up last week over here.

26:00 Adam All right. Here's here's I'm going to yell at Drew, not at you, Anderson.

26:04 Drew Can you do it at your end, Drew?

26:05 Adam Hold on a second. We stopped thinking out loud. You act like there's something that can get done around here like, oh, we're just.

26:12 Drew It's a telephone.

26:12 Adam Michelle's gone and we're just going to roll right into this bit. No, you got to work it out. And you're Chris, you know what you're talking about.

26:19 He started the game with you guys.

26:22 Adam He doesn't know what we're talking.

26:23 Drew No, I never. All right.

26:25 Adam He's cool. We're going to take a break. Drew, go ahead and work it out if you're going to work it out. We'll be right back after this.

26:34 Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready.

26:47 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Yeah. Kerry Elwes is gonna be in here. I don't really know what to say. Elwes, Elwes. Elwes, Elwes. Yeah, good actor. Gonna be in here on Wednesday night, and then Jimmy Eat World in here on Thursday. All right, now we can play Ace's accordion countdown, which is exciting. It's a game that I pioneered in the writing office over at Kimmel. I figured out, well, when you work around as many Latino brothers as I do, you hear-

27:30 Drew Your husband read that.

27:32 Adam Yeah, but in general, I've always worked around land guys.

27:35 Drew Right, right. I mean, you sort of juxtapose Kimmel and the other guys you work. You're right. You got a bunch of white guys from Boston.

27:42 Adam No, Kimmel's half Mexican. Yeah, he's not full. He tries to pass himself off as one, you know, EEOC stuff. That's how he got the gig. The point is, you know, up in the writers' rooms, a bunch of a-holes from New York and Boston, but we got a radio and I've decided, I've realized that the ranchero music, every time you turn on, you just hear that accordion. It is accordion driven music. And it's music that's meant to annoy. I've really just decided. It's the kind of music that if you're hung over and you hear for more than eight seconds, you start stabbing people around you. That's how it works. And just before the, oh no, no, no. Should we? Yeah, we should gamble first. So the question then becomes how long before the accordion kicks in? A lot of people, novices might say, I don't know, 30 seconds, a minute, maybe never. Oh no, contrary. The average, what do you think? We've done 10 songs. What do you think the average is?

28:36 Drew Well, it's funny because the average gets skewed by some songs that come in late or not at all.

28:41 Adam We have had a couple and they do start, we start in the middle of the song randomly.

28:45 Drew And Michelle taught us they're not really Ranchero music in that case. They have some other name or escape zone.

28:51 Adam No, it's Ranchero. You're thinking of Tex-Mex.

28:54 Drew Tex-Mex, yeah.

28:55 Adam Tex-Mex doesn't make you want to stab people.

28:57 Drew Well, you're right.

28:58 Adam Tex-Mex makes you want to kill yourself.

29:00 Drew Yes.

29:01 Adam The Ranchero makes you want to kill others and then yourself.

29:03 Drew Right, right.

29:04 Adam All right, so, and vomit while you're doing it.

29:06 Drew Yes, first vomit.

29:07 Adam So, the point is is that we have had a couple where you haven't heard it all.

29:11 Drew Yes, that's true. I'd say for those in which there isn't a hoarding, I'd say three seconds on average.

29:17 Adam On average, three and a half, I would say. All right, so you want to pick a number?

29:20 Drew Three.

29:21 Adam You're going with three seconds. You can't go the immediate route.

29:23 Drew I was thinking about that, but I'll tell you. Since we've had three seconds as an average, I'll go for it.

29:27 Adam I've nailed the seven. All right, Anderson, are you ready? Because I'm gonna cue you, but I gotta look at the clock and make sure I get the whole number so I can calculate it. You ready?

29:37 I got it.

29:38 Adam You got it?

29:39 Well, yeah, we might have some issues, but yeah. Here's the issues, guys. The album that I found, the only one I could find during the break, unfortunately, there's a man with an accordion on the cover of the album.

29:50 Drew Of course.

29:51 Kind of like seeing Jimmy Page on the cover.

29:53 Adam Of course.

29:53 Drew It's all of those French Arrow music.

29:55 Adam You went and found stuff. I went and found.

29:57 Drew I found some stuff.

29:58 Adam Oh, okay, because engineer Phylen Michelle said she had a bunch of stuff loaded in.

30:05 Drew No, that was in the CD that night.

30:07 Adam Oh, that was just that night, so it's not with us anymore.

30:09 Drew No, no, no, it's Ann said to go get it.

30:10 Okay, what are you doing, Drew?

30:12 Adam Are you high just like, oh, here, let's just play this?

30:15 Also, there's other routes we could do. I mean, there's plenty of ways. I had a bunch of stuff set up that night, too. It's, what? Oh, okay, all right, well, let's just try the one you got.

30:23 Adam Let's just try the one you got.

30:24 This is music from North America, Mexico.

30:28 Adam I'm gonna go nine seconds. I'm going big, all right?

30:31 Drew All right, guys, got an accordion on the cover.

30:34 Adam I know, but come on, you never know. You can hit the bridge sometimes.

30:38 Drew You're right.

30:39 Adam All right, you're ready? And action. Well, let's hear this song. Yeah, this is it. Yeah, this is my life.

30:54 Drew Describe the scene, the setting around your house.

30:57 Adam Setting around my house is Ozzy's down in the garage. He's with Jose and Rogelio. I gave him explicit instructions to put the primer on before the paint the night before. He's now chosen to put the paint on before the primer.

31:15 Drew Wow.

31:16 Adam And that's when the argument ensues.

31:18 Drew So you're coming down in your bathroom.

31:19 Adam Oh, also, Ozzy's setting the barbecue up for later on in the day because he barbecues. He somehow mathematically, it only works out to a half hour lunch, but yet he barbecues throughout the day. He actually has like a double propane tank, like a half trash can in it. And he's like once every couple of weeks. And it'll be like Ozzy, what are you barbecuing? Rahel, he's 41 and a half today.

31:43 Caller That's like, huh?

31:46 Adam You get a barbecue every day. Oh yeah, setting the barbecue up.

31:49 Drew All right, so let's have the music and then you'll be set the scene for coming down to the garage in the morning.

31:53 Adam Oh, you want to reenact?

31:55 Drew Yeah, I want to reenact. Okay, music.

31:58 Adam All right, but you got to play it loud. Hey, Ozzy, yeah, when you did the coring in the cement, you got to blow the holes out before you put the all thread in there or the, would you shut that off, shut it off, shut it off.

32:19 Caller That's what it sounds like every morning. Oh my gosh.

32:23 Adam Every single morning.

32:24 Caller Oh, you know what the music sounds like after a bottle of wine at 2 a.m. at 8, 10 in the morning?

32:31 Drew Like there's somebody drilling in your head.

32:33 Caller Every old would be better, it would be better.

32:35 Adam So it's Root Canal performed by an accordion and a giant guitar. It's awesome.

32:45 Caller Ozzy's got the barbecue fired up. It's awesome, he's marinating.

32:48 Drew He has a great barbecue.

32:50 Adam Have you had?

32:51 Drew Yes. Oh my God.

32:53 Adam Yes, heroin. Great.

32:55 Caller I know.

32:56 Drew I wonder if barbecue's ever there.

32:57 Caller I know, but I pay for it's barbecuing.

33:01 Adam Kellyn?

33:03 Yes.

33:04 Adam Year 20?

33:05 Yes.

33:06 Adam What's up? Kellyn, that's a nice name for a girl.

33:10 Drew Have you ever called before? Kellyn?

33:13 Yes.

33:14 Drew Have you ever called before? Okay. That yesh is kind of a funny familiar sign.

33:20 Adam I would have remembered Kellyn though.

33:22 Drew Yeah, yeah, okay. So what's the question?

33:24 I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I murdered my nine-month-old daughter.

33:29 Adam Mm-hmm, perfectly normal, perfectly healthy.

33:33 My mother has taken child psychology classes and said that it was normal, but I don't feel it's normal.

33:39 Drew Well, I don't think it's common. I don't know that to put it on the sort of normal scale.

33:43 Adam It's not the kind of thing that people share with others that often.

33:46 She said there's books published about it, but she says it's not something that people talk about, but it was quite disturbing.

33:53 Adam Well, I can see when you're sleep deprived and the kid's keeping a lot.

33:57 Drew Women, you're right, women have an impulse to kill their children, even in their waking hours, when they're completely stressed to the point of the breaking point. Let me tell you, as a parent of multiples, you get there.

34:09 Adam One kid with a multiple personality, for sure.

34:12 Drew But there's a huge difference between sort of fantasizing about that and actually acting out in any way towards your child. And the one thing you gotta watch out for with these sorts of impulses is whether or not there's a depression. If you hear the stories about women that do kill their children, what is it you keep hearing? Well, she had a postpartum depression, became psychotic. That is a feature of postpartum depression. When it becomes severe, as people can do very, very bizarre and violent things sometimes. So I would definitely, to me, it's a symptom that requires looking into. So I would talk to your doctor about the fact that you're having these fantasies. Now, I imagine you are depressed, right? No.

34:50 Adam Touche. Do you have a husband? Yes. I do. How's that going?

34:57 Drew You're not feeling anxious or panicking?

34:59 Caller Well, I'll go.

35:01 But after this happened, I don't know.

35:03 Adam You freak out after this.

35:06 Drew So you've not been feeling overwhelmed, not been feeling anxious, not been feeling...

35:09 Uh-uh.

35:13 Caller All right.

35:14 Drew I'd still look into it. Because again, if you remember the woman that drowned her kids, if you talked to her, she didn't need to be in the hospital. She had it all together. Remember that?

35:21 Adam She was a religious psychotic.

35:22 Drew But whatever. The point is that people often don't have insight into what's going on.

35:25 Adam I know. But are you ever really gonna stop those people? I mean, I know with every tragedy, there's this sort of crossroad point where if later, if only earlier that day, they didn't have their next drink, or if they'd listen to their brother and come out to Montana.

35:42 Drew You're right.

35:42 Adam You know, there's always that. But it's like, you could trace every single tragedy, every plane crash, every blimp explosion, every murder, there's always some crossroad. And maybe we've passed that crossroads a million times and nothing's ever happened.

35:58 Drew Right.

35:58 Adam You know what I mean?

35:58 Drew Yes, I agree. And I also agree with you that the other issue is willingness and willing to be insightful and to be willing to take direction. People are amazingly obstinate. I mean, that's so peculiar. You know? And if you. I'd rather go home and kill my cat since. That's a better idea.

36:18 Adam Well, wasn't she religious fanatic too or something?

36:20 Drew Yeah, there was something going on there, but it wasn't exclusively that. She was unwilling to do what they asked her to do. She didn't follow up.

36:27 Adam Yeah.

36:27 Caller All right. Nutty.

36:31 Adam Well, it's a tragedy.

36:32 Drew No doubt.

36:33 Adam Where do you want to go? The husband gave her chlamydia and left. Boyfriend loses boner in the middle of sex. Been with three girls, two hookers. Never orgasm, huh? Herpes, stand on it. Herpes met girl on Internet. They're getting close. Aaron, 23. Very sad. Aaron.

36:58 Hello.

36:58 Adam You met a girl on the Internet?

37:01 Yeah, actually about three months ago.

37:04 Adam Have you met her yet or he just talked to her on the Internet?

37:08 Well, we talk on the cell phone a little while ago. Actually, I think I'm really, I think...

37:16 Adam Virgin?

37:17 I'm kind of falling for her too fast than I should be.

37:20 Adam Are you a virgin?

37:21 No, I'm not a virgin. Hell no.

37:23 Drew Oh, how dare you? How dare you, Adam?

37:25 What are you talking about?

37:28 Adam I know, I mean, I'm not saying you had sex with a sister, but half sister?

37:33 No, no, no.

37:35 Drew All right.

37:36 No, no, no, no, no. I'm not that weirded out, but we've had phone sex maybe about five times, but I'm here in LA in Covina and she lives in Georgia. I met her in a chat room and about three months, we've been talking and stuff and I really wanted to get like a third person opinion on what I should do because about-

38:00 Drew Youth.

38:02 Adam What does she do? How old is she?

38:04 Well, we talk on the cell phone.

38:06 Drew How old is she?

38:07 Adam All right, let me ask. I'll try to use reverse psychology.

38:12 She's 19.

38:12 Adam How often do you talk on the cell phone? She's going to tell me how old she is.

38:16 Probably every day. She probably calls me about five times a day.

38:20 Adam Five times a day. How old is she?

38:22 She's 19. She goes to the University of Georgia.

38:28 Adam Hold on a second. Aaron sounds like he's about 10 kinds of squirrely.

38:36 Drew Definitely squirrely. What college student will call someone across the country five times a day?

38:42 Adam In Covina. Also, you're going to the University of Georgia. There's a good party school. You got dudes all over the place.

38:51 Drew You're calling me five times a day in Covina.

38:53 Adam Talking to a guy sounds like Mr. Haney.

38:55 Well, we talked on the cell phone a little while ago.

38:59 Adam Hey, Ab. Holy Christ. Earth to you. Calling all spazs. Erin, what is up? She has a weight problem.

39:11 No, no. Actually, no. I've seen pictures of her recently and she's pretty good looking, but I'm kind of scared on actually how much I feel for her already. It kind of freaks me out because I haven't even met this girl.

39:24 Adam Quiet down. Now, you're 23. Do you have a job?

39:28 Caller Oh, yeah. What do you do? I work at a women's lingerie. Lingerie is pretty much... It's... You guys probably guessed... It starts with a V, but I don't want to say anything else because of that.

39:42 Caller Oh, the vagina hole?

39:52 Adam They don't have a man working Victoria's Secrets. He just comes in, cleans his schmutz off the dressing room, mirrors it after clothes.

39:58 Drew Either that or it's Victor's lingerie. He just doesn't want to say.

40:03 Caller Be a good boy. Aaron?

40:05 Caller Yeah.

40:06 Adam What do you do there? I never see a guy in that place except for...

40:11 Caller Oh, exactly. I don't work in the front. I do the stuff in the back that we really else want to do.

40:18 Drew Yeah, the schmutz. Right.

40:19 Adam Okay. You're there during store hours?

40:23 Caller It's not my dream job, but it helps me pay my car payment.

40:30 Adam So, can you buy... By the way, can everyone just fly everywhere now?

40:35 Drew In the Southwest, you can go to Georgia for like $10 to $20.

40:39 Adam Eight bucks. Southwest, if you... One way, it's $8 if you give them two weeks' notice.

40:44 Drew Right. And if you stop 27 times, you're here.

40:46 Adam Tell me if this is just me, and because I come from a horrible family that turned everything into climbing.

40:53 Drew Well, that is true, and that's just you.

40:54 Adam Mount Everest in December. But it was like... First off, I thought in order to fly, you need... First off, you got to be rich. Secondly, you have to have a tire. I grew up thinking, well, you got to have a monogram mascot and a smokey jacket and stuff.

41:09 Drew It's almost like you needed an astronaut outfit. You needed some sort of special traveling gear.

41:13 Adam Yeah. The compartment's not pressurized. You need stuff. You need lots of money. You don't just go flying places.

41:19 No.

41:20 Adam Now, you just go flying places, right? If your buddy drops you off at Burbank Airport and you're in Georgia three hours later, and it costs $111, and you get 70 packs of cashews.

41:33 Caller No, no.

41:33 Adam No, you don't get the nuts. They get the fiesta mix. Okay. The point is, don't let me start. You can go do this now. Why not just go do it then? If you're into her, just once you hop on a plane.

41:49 Caller Well, I don't know if I'm that much into her, though. I mean, like, it's cool to find people, like, I think.

41:55 Adam All right.

41:56 Drew I'm so into her. I'm in love with her.

41:57 Adam I'm falling in love.

41:59 Caller No, I'm not. I'm like, I'm not that into her.

42:01 Adam Then knock it off.

42:02 Drew Then you could put some boundaries down with her. Relax. I agree. That's what you should do is set some boundaries. There's something wrong with this whole situation. Five times a day with a girl calling you from college is in Georgia. Something's wrong with her that she's doing that. She can't have a social life where she is. She needs to have the opportunity to do that. Push her back a little bit. If you are interested in her, go check it out. But I don't think it's going to work out. Too much of a great distance here.

42:24 Adam Then the ride to the airport.

42:27 That was huge.

42:28 Adam No, the Corollas. It was huge. Cab, no way.

42:33 Caller Pay for parking.

42:36 Adam Alright, we're going to take a little break. We'll be right back after this.

42:42 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

42:48 Drew Bravo's giving away three scary DVDs to the last caller of this hour. And you'll automatically then enter to win 25 scary movie DVDs. Watch the 100 Scariest Movie Moments this week at 9, 8 Central on Bravo.

43:18 Caller Yeah, get it on, whoo, get it on.

43:24 Adam Yeah, hey, my beloved Crank Yankers, tomorrow night, Tuesday night, Comedy Central. Also, a DVD out. Crank Yankers DVD. I think season one is out, and you're in season two or three. Gotta figure that out. Also, new show called Drawing Together, I'm in, which is filthy.

43:46 Drew I heard that, it's so funny.

43:48 Adam The Entertainment Weekly gave it an F.

43:51 Drew That's a good sign.

43:53 Adam Well, they gave the Man Show, or maybe that was, maybe it wasn't.

43:57 Drew Minus three stars, minus four stars.

43:59 Adam Well, one thing I did got minus four, and the other got minus three. I think the Man Show was minus three, and maybe Red Handed or something was minus four. Could have been the other way around. Anyway, slice it, minus four stars better than one star. Yes?

44:16 Caller Perfect. Perfect.

44:17 Adam All right, you ready to go here, Drew?

44:19 Caller Here we go.

44:20 Adam Let's talk to Robin, who's 26. Robin?

44:24 Hello.

44:25 Adam Hey, girl.

44:26 How are you guys?

44:27 Caller We're good.

44:28 Drew What's happening?

44:28 Adam What's up?

44:29 Well, going through a bit of a life change right now. My partner of 10 years, my husband of three, left me for my best friend of 15 years.

44:44 Caller Hold on.

44:45 Adam You know what I miss? I miss when people go, can you say bitter? You know that ad?

44:49 Drew Yes.

44:50 Caller I love that one.

44:51 Drew Thankfully, she's not that.

44:52 Adam Can you say bitter? Yeah.

44:54 Caller All right.

44:55 I'm going to therapy.

44:56 Drew Good.

44:58 Adam I miss that as much as I miss what up.

45:01 Drew What are your issues?

45:03 You know, it's a self-worth thing, you know. I mean, I did get dropped like garbage.

45:07 Drew How long have this guy been carrying on, do you think?

45:10 Probably close to about eight months. And I, you know, I'm the kind of person that I trusted him and her.

45:19 Adam Yeah.

45:20 Drew Yeah. Usually these things are more about who you chose to be with than anything else.

45:24 Adam And by the way, you know, people do that, that sort of adage all the time, I was a fool for trusting. Of course you're supposed to trust your best friend.

45:32 Drew And your husband.

45:33 Adam And your husband.

45:33 No, absolutely. And the hurdle is I'm going to be able to trust people in the future.

45:37 Adam Well, not people you pick.

45:40 Drew Not if you...

45:41 Adam If Drew picked your guy, you could trust him.

45:43 Drew Yeah, that's the point. If you were sort of let down by your family of origin, then you'll be attracted to people that let you down. And here you've done that.

45:51 Adam Yeah. All right. So how did you find out, by the way?

45:57 Just little things started... Well, I saw them playing foot fees at a barbecue I went to.

46:03 Adam Mm-hmm. And when did the news actually come out?

46:07 In June.

46:08 Drew And she had chlamydia?

46:10 Yeah. And, you know, she had... Yeah.

46:13 Adam How did the news get broken to you?

46:14 Her boyfriend and me and my husband were all really good friends, the four of us.

46:19 Adam How did it get broken to you, the news?

46:22 Well, he kept saying, you know, I'm attracted to other people. And I'm like, well, that's normal. You're supposed to be attracted to other people. You'd be dead if you weren't. And I, you know, said, if you really feel upset about this, we can go to therapy and you can talk about those issues. Because I'm all pro-therapy, you know.

46:35 Drew Yeah. But men don't complain about that. You got to ask yourself, why are they... why is he telling me this? What is he trying to tell me?

46:42 Well, he was a virgin when we met.

46:45 Adam Yeah. Hold on. Hold on a second.

46:47 Drew We got to go back to this one.

46:48 Adam We do. Robin's Got Energy.

46:50 Drew Yeah.

46:50 Adam I mean, not all bad.

46:51 Drew No, no, no.

46:52 Adam But there's something cooking. Sounds like a programmer, a little programmer. No, no.

46:58 You're making a big money.

46:59 Adam Are you sober?

47:01 Well, I mean, I smoke a little weed every now and then.

47:05 Drew So it's not in the program.

47:06 Adam Were you ever in the program or hooked on anything? What do you mean? Drugs, booze, anything?

47:12 Caller No.

47:13 Adam No, no, no.

47:14 Caller I'm always right.

47:15 Drew You're always right.

47:16 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll get back with Crazy Robin. Got Chlamydia. Yeah. All that after this. All right, guys, here's the deal.

47:24 Caller Look in the hookup.

47:25 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:25 Caller Stick a waste in time with the wrong person.

47:27 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:28 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:30 Caller Call the Dateline. 1-877-889.

47:36 Drew Date.

47:38 Caller Call Loveline. 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:59 Drew All right, good ice cream reading here. Yeah, way to go, man. It's Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. I'm Dr. Drew. He's Adam Crowe. He's got his mouth filled with Haagen-Dazs, one of those crazy ice cream bars with the nuts on the outside.

48:12 Adam Haagen-Dazs is German for heroin.

48:14 Drew And walked in here and said-

48:16 Adam Heroin, do you hear me?

48:17 Drew We got a charred palate of this stuff. And yeah, we just went for it. And you know, it's German for heroin, so what are you gonna do? So we're gonna get back and talk to Robin, whose husband cheated. It's a disgusting sound. Like I said, if you could breathe through your nose, it might be okay to listen to you eat. But with the slobbering and the snorting and all, it's a little bit rough. You understand? Okay, Rob's on at six. And her husband took off, husband, a relationship of at least 10 years, husband of three years. The husband took off with her best friend. They were, she and her boyfriend and he, she and her husband were good buddies. And gave him, gave her chlamydia. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah.

49:04 Adam Engineer Chris.

49:05 Drew Yeah.

49:06 Adam You're not eating a hog and douse bar.

49:07 Drew Oh, I already, I finished it.

49:08 Adam Oh, you did?

49:11 Drew What, two bites? No, it took me like three minutes.

49:14 Caller Really?

49:14 Drew Nice.

49:16 Caller He did it recklessly. Oh, yeah. You're right, you're right.

49:19 Drew You're right.

49:20 Adam Put it in, pulled out a stick.

49:21 Caller Foul, done. Smart.

49:24 Drew That was good.

49:25 Caller That was good?

49:25 Adam All right, buddy.

49:26 Caller We're cool, then.

49:27 Adam Go ahead, Robin.

49:29 Well, basically, a lot of our friends were obviously in common. I'm having a hard time, you know, emotionally dealing with the fact that they're still playing nice with him.

49:40 Drew How did you find out you had the chlamydia?

49:43 I went to the, you know, I found this out and then I found out to another friend that he had been fooling around with her. And I know that he has very loose sexual practices.

49:52 Drew Well, no, he was a virgin when you met him, but he has loose sexual practices.

49:56 No, no. She, the-

49:58 Drew She does, I see.

49:59 I don't know, can I say whore? That's what I call her.

50:02 Drew And how were you treated for the chlamydia?

50:04 I took antibiotics, I'm clear, I'm clean, I tested clean already. Tetra-something or other, I'm not sure.

50:10 Drew Tetra-cycline?

50:11 It was one of the, you know, they give it to you right there.

50:14 Drew Zithromax, okay.

50:14 Adam Maybe you gotta get a Haagen-Dazs bar. It's all, all your trouble's gonna melt away just like that milky ice cream.

50:21 Drew You notice Adam even stopped complaining about his family for the few minutes he's been eating this ice cream.

50:25 Adam They're wonderful people. They're delights, all of them.

50:28 Drew This is heroin.

50:28 Adam They're great, supportive, wonderful people.

50:30 Drew So, Rob, what actually is the question for us? How can we help?

50:32 The question I have is, is I'm, I'm, I'm dealing with whether I should leave this town. It's a smaller town. I see them, you know, and I want to take the high road and I don't want to-

50:41 Drew Do you work?

50:48 Caller She wants to take the high road, she called her whore about eight seconds ago.

50:55 Adam That's right, stiff upper lip. Never, never see it, let them see you sweat.

50:59 Drew Gentlemen, Lee. Mm-hmm. Yes. She had so much effing class to go to the low road. So, Robyn, can you change schools?

51:09 It'd be changing schools and changing, I think moving.

51:14 Drew But can you realistically change schools?

51:16 Absolutely, after the semester's over, I can't do it mid-semester.

51:18 Drew What are you studying?

51:19 I mean, I'm a grade A student, I don't wanna mess up any grades or any What are you studying? Ocean science right now.

51:26 Drew So you can go down to San Diego or something.

51:28 I'm thinking locally, like I'd rather finish out, I'm in community college, because that's all I can afford.

51:33 Adam Yeah.

51:34 Which is hard because I don't qualify for financial aid because we were married and blah, blah, blah, and I'm living the poor student life. And I do want to move to the city, but I'm feeling a part of me says that I'm running away.

51:48 Drew Hold on, we can't answer this for you. Listen, we can't answer this for you, but it sounds like a fresh start would be a good idea.

51:54 Adam I'm riding a nice lactose buzz.

51:56 Drew I do.

51:57 Adam Now listen.

51:57 I wouldn't be running away.

51:58 Caller All right, hold on.

52:00 Adam I gotta eat this.

52:01 I don't want to give them that satisfaction. I mean, they've already taken a lot from me.

52:06 Drew What are you gonna do? Make a stand with them? And then you're living your life just as a consequence of their behavior.

52:13 Adam There's a lot of people not wanting to give people the satisfaction and all this other BS. Go do whatever you want to do. You go into community college. And by the way, studying like oceanography at a community college. Ocean science, let me explain how that works. When a professor takes a leak in a kiddie pool and they throw a starfish in it and you stare at it for four hours a day, that's how it works.

52:40 Drew Ocean sciences at community college.

52:41 Adam Yeah, and only saying they seize the stuff in the ashtray in the teacher's lounge.

52:45 Drew In the halva.

52:46 Adam In the halva. Yeah, last week, they showed Finding Nemo. That's close, they get, yeah, see the drawings? That's a jellyfish, yeah. Now they don't have the big, now they don't smoke cigars.

53:08 Caller Yeah, that'll be on the test.

53:14 Yes.

53:15 Adam Please, who are you kidding with that junior college? Now what are you gonna do with that degree?

53:21 Honestly, there's, the Department of Fishing Game has some jobs that appeal to me. No, actually, you know, you're wrong. I'm in a lab class out in the field. I live on the ocean. So I deal with, we're doing beach sloping and sand gradiation and all the technical stuff. It's actually hands-on. Hands-on.

53:41 Adam I could, you know, the whole ranger life always seems attractive to me.

53:46 Little too clobby for me.

53:48 Adam Yeah, little what?

53:49 Too cop-like for me. I don't wanna have to be the authoritative cop.

53:54 Adam Well, you can be the cool ranger. Like you go like, you do that one where you're like, by law, I'm obligated to dump that beer out, but if you wanna just kill it, I won't say anything to Smokey. You know what I'm saying? You can be the cool ranger.

54:06 I'm gonna be a conservation officer. You know, if anything.

54:09 Adam Hey, you kill Japanese whalers off the coast of San Francisco.

54:15 Absolutely.

54:16 Adam Okay, so look.

54:17 Fish limits and whatnot.

54:18 Adam Quiet down. You're a guy, do you have any kids?

54:22 No, no children.

54:23 Adam Fine.

54:23 Drew Good, you're lucky.

54:26 I'm absolutely free.

54:27 Adam Good, all right, he did you a favor. I know you're bitter. I know you're angry. You should be. I don't want to take that away from you.

54:33 Drew Sort of exploration we should do too with her. God knows why she's attracted to the kind of guy that she's exploited.

54:37 Adam You have no kids and you're going to junior college. Get out of there.

54:39 Drew There's nothing holding you there. Stay with the therapist. You're gonna have to grow into capacity for more intimate relationships that are not so exploitative. So you're gonna have to be attracted or go out with or get involved with people that are not like your husband.

54:54 Adam All right, and what's she supposed to do with her chlamydia?

54:56 Drew She's got that under control?

54:57 Adam Yeah, she's got that, hmm, hurts after she, boyfriend runs in, huh, had a crush on a guy. How about Diana, from La Puente. Diana?

55:09 Uh-huh.

55:11 Adam You're 17?

55:12 Caller Yeah.

55:12 Caller What's up?

55:22 Adam Mm-hmm, please, Anne.

55:24 Caller Do you know this song?

55:28 Drew Oh, I got to honk her to play, though.

55:29 Adam All right, wait, turn that down, Anderson.

55:32 Caller How dare you? She's Japanese, yes?

55:35 Adam What's your nationality, Diana? Ethnicity. Ethnicity, all right. All right, we're cool. Can you hear me? Okay, all right, yeah, your phone line's crap. You had a crush on a guy for seven years.

55:52 Caller And I used to kick his ass for two.

55:54 Adam For two? Yeah. And now you want to get with him?

55:59 Caller Yeah, and he scares me. Because he has a staring problem.

56:04 Drew Staring?

56:06 Caller Yeah, like back in the days, I used to kick his butt because I used to really, really like him. And I don't know, back then, I used to be violent. And so, and he was a lot shorter than me. He was up to my shoulders and I was like four feet. So I don't know, like I moved and I came back and I came to this school and I still liked him even if I moved. I came back to this school where it's a really small campus and it's like five classes. And I saw him in my classes and I freaked out. And he stares at me.

56:39 Drew Oh yes, he stares you all the time. He likes you too.

56:41 Adam He likes you, it means he likes you and or he's scared of you.

56:45 Drew Yeah, but both probably a good thing. Right, so if you ask him, if you ask him out, ask him movie or something, he'll be all about it, don't worry.

56:53 Adam Tell him you go out or you beat the ass out of him.

56:56 Drew And tell him by the way, that's why you used to beat him up because you really liked him, as you know how to express it.

56:59 Adam All right, Diana, can you do that? Just go, just go talk to him.

57:04 Caller But I tried talking to him. Like now I try to say what's up or something. He'll say hi or whatever, but his friends talk a lot of crap about me. His friends don't like me whatsoever.

57:15 Adam Why?

57:17 Caller I have no idea. I know they talked to one of my ex best friends who has a habit of running his mouth. About what? He runs his mouth.

57:25 Drew About what?

57:27 Caller Cause I'm his ex-girlfriend's best friend and his ex-girlfriend has a baby with him, baby.

57:34 Caller Oh gosh, hold on.

57:36 Drew She is a class act. Yeah, that's great.

57:40 Caller Yeah.

57:40 Drew Yeah. Beating on guys since she was 11.

57:45 Adam Fantastic.

57:46 Drew Drops the S-bomb. Best friend has a baby. 17. Yeah. Will you let me pick the calls?

57:55 Adam All right. Well, I am. You wanted, look.

57:58 Drew Just pick the call.

57:59 Caller What are you talking about?

58:00 Adam You had a chlamydia call and you were going right to a herpes call. So I wanted to get something in between two venereal diseases for the love of Christ.

58:06 Drew But here's the good news.

58:08 Caller I found a pipeline straight to Mexico and here's the deal. You just gotta ask and I'll let you know if they're playing because sometimes they take breaks.

58:15 Drew All right, let's just do a quick-quick-

58:17 Adam Accordion countdown? Are they playing, Anderson?

58:21 Caller Yeah, they're playing.

58:21 Drew Okay, all right, go. You first, you first.

58:24 Adam Five seconds.

58:25 Drew 10 seconds.

58:25 Adam 10 seconds. All right, ready? Let's do it. Turn it up a little, Anderson. Turn that down, Anderson. And again, it brings you back to what time in your life? The music.

59:08 Drew I've got many times with that music.

59:09 Adam Brings you back to when, though, specifically?

59:11 Drew I don't know what you're getting at.

59:14 Adam Listen, you idiot. What were you talking about last time with we're playing this music?

59:19 Drew I can't remember what I said.

59:19 Adam The time in your life it brings you to?

59:21 Drew I can't remember. What did I say?

59:23 Adam You idiot. You're talking about being in New England and studying.

59:27 Drew Oh yes, of course, of course.

59:29 Caller I think of when I had my painter in my house.

59:32 Adam Painter?

59:33 Drew Yeah, he was into that music.

59:35 Adam But you're talking about like a classic painter. Like, I mean, you're-

59:40 Caller No, he was just painting my-

59:40 Drew Fine arts painter. Fine arts. He was doing portraits. Yeah, right.

59:45 Adam He was painting a fruit bowl.

59:47 Drew Still life.

59:48 Adam Or was he abstract?

59:50 Drew Abstract. Abstract expressionism, yes.

59:52 Adam What medium did he work in? Dunn-Edwards?

59:55 Drew I believe so. I didn't check. All right.

59:57 Adam Drew, what's it gonna take with you? You did 20 minutes on bringing back to New England.

1:00:03 Drew Yeah, I didn't know where you were going. I'd be happy to go there if you clue me in.

1:00:08 Adam Well, let me explain something, Drew. It doesn't work as well when I go, do that bit where you talk about being in New England. The part where-

1:00:17 Drew Yeah, but you can't say-

1:00:18 Adam The part where you're brought in is right, where you're clued in and you go, Drew, this must bring back memories for you.

1:00:24 Drew It works better when I know what you're talking about. You go, hey, Adam, I know what you're talking about. As opposed to going, remember how I used to be in New England? Give me a slight hint, a slight hint.

1:00:33 Adam I would have given you a hint, but you did 20 minutes on it last time we did that.

1:00:37 Drew I'd do 20 again if you didn't just screw the whole thing up by going, hey, you don't remember? You're an asshole. Hey, I didn't remember, goddammit. I didn't remember, Adam, I'm sorry.

1:00:46 Adam Oh my god. Anderson, do you hear this?

1:00:48 Caller Do you hear this?

1:00:51 Drew Yes.

1:00:52 Adam Get that tape, by the way.

1:00:54 Caller I'm trying to cut his cuss words. He's out of control.

1:00:56 Caller I know.

1:00:57 Caller I love it, Drew. Keep it up.

1:00:58 Drew Yeah, I know, you like it.

1:00:59 Caller He's flipping out on me.

1:01:01 Adam Apologize.

1:01:02 Caller No.

1:01:02 Adam You're, you're, you, apologize. Take it back. Take it back.

1:01:07 Caller You have to take it back.

1:01:09 Adam Yeah, I know I start yelling at you because no one's smarter and dumber simultaneously. You did 20 minutes on the whole New England thing two days ago.

1:01:18 Drew Yes, sir, Ms. Corolla.

1:01:20 Adam I'm sorry. Look, let's get going. Let's go. Let's break it down. Anderson, am I right or am I right?

1:01:26 Caller Yeah, we got to get going. Let's break it.

1:01:29 Adam No, not that. I'm talking about a stupid, waxing poetic about New England.

1:01:33 Caller Yeah, I was thinking Alaska, myself. I know it's something opposite of Mexico.

1:01:38 Adam Hey, even, even Anderson knows what he's talking about.

1:01:40 Caller Well, I'm not a doctor. I don't have that many things on my mind.

1:01:46 Drew Katie, what's going on? 24.

1:01:48 Caller Well, I have herpes. And I've been seeing this guy for a little over two months and I haven't told him, but I haven't had an outbreak. So I'm just wondering, is it possible to give it to him if there's no outbreak?

1:02:07 Drew When was the last time you had an outbreak? You taking a medication for it?

1:02:16 Caller When I have it, they give me the medication.

1:02:20 Adam You don't take the stuff that suppresses it.

1:02:22 Caller No, I need to, I want to get that.

1:02:24 Drew Yeah, you can do that. And then he can wear a condom and he can understand hopefully that the risk then is very slim if he has something attractive. Well, I think ethically, yeah, you're obliged to tell him.

1:02:33 Adam Well, but if he wears a condom.

1:02:35 Caller Okay, well we haven't.

1:02:37 Drew Oh, you've been having sex with him all along? You've been having sex with him all along?

1:02:44 Adam And it's a, and this a new guy? That's that kind of sex that draws blood.

1:02:50 Drew Yeah. Yeah, the first timers.

1:02:53 Adam Oh yeah, that's crazy.

1:02:55 Caller Yeah.

1:02:55 Adam It becomes like a, like a first time you play paintball with shoulder rolls over boulders, crawling under trunks.

1:03:02 Drew Needlessly, by the way.

1:03:02 Caller Yeah.

1:03:07 Caller I feel like it's too late for me to tell him. Like I've like, you know.

1:03:11 Adam It is a little weird. Okay, let me tell you something. Guys are stupid. You could tell him that you just found out that you had herpes. And in that way, you're sort of half lying and you're off the hook for the past.

1:03:27 Drew And if a guy is really into you, he'll accommodate.

1:03:30 Adam They get mad. They go into kind of denial mode. Yeah, it becomes a little hiccup and a little speed bump, but it's not a deal breaker if he's into you. And also you really get off the hook if when you do the just found out I had herpes. And guys just aren't that sophisticated. What do you mean you just found out? Would you have an outbreak? Or were there ulcers that accumulated? They don't know anything. They apparently know what herpes is.

1:03:57 Drew We were having sex, so I went to have a regular checkup and they tested me while I was there, and I have warts and I have herpes.

1:04:03 Adam Oh, you do the warts too?

1:04:05 Drew Sure, why not? You bet they're there.

1:04:07 Caller Drew, you know what I think every time you tell me that?

1:04:10 Adam I just like, I just, you know, on those cartoons, when the guy looks at the island, he's real hungry and he's with his partner and turns to a giant drumstick. Or, yeah, I just see a giant wart when I hear he says it. Drew, teeing off on me. Were you scared, Chris?

1:04:24 Caller I was like, whoa.

1:04:26 Drew That's good.

1:04:27 Caller I'm scared now.

1:04:27 Drew I feel much better.

1:04:28 Caller It feels good. It feels good.

1:04:30 Adam All right, how dare you yell at me for yelling at you? All right, Katie, go ahead and lie. Well, look, here's how I would rationalize it. The important part is that you pass along the information to him that you have herpes. Okay. That's paramount.

1:04:46 Drew You're really obliged to do that.

1:04:48 Adam The part about you guys having sex prior to this with no protection, unfortunately, is neither here nor there. It's already happened, and he has to get checked out anyway.

1:05:01 Drew If he did not have herpes and you had exposed him to it, he would have symptoms.

1:05:07 Adam There's a better way to do it too, is you accuse him. Just tell him, you went, you got your pap smear. The guys don't know any of this. They have no idea.

1:05:16 Drew They don't want to hear about it with a finger in their ear.

1:05:17 Adam You tell me you had the pap smear. Doctor said you may have herpes. He suggested you have to get checked out too. And then you do this sort of thing where, again, it's ambiguous. All you need to do for a guy is give him a little kernel of hope, you know, where you go, oh, where do you get it? Well, through sex, could be sharing a towel at the gym, could be a bad pommel horse. You know what I mean?

1:05:43 Drew Where did she get it?

1:05:44 Adam Yeah, yeah.

1:05:45 Drew She should just say, I must have been one of my old partners. I never knew. I never had symptoms. I missed it.

1:05:50 Adam Yeah, but again.

1:05:52 Drew Most women that have herpes don't know they have it.

1:05:54 Adam No, and you lie again. You give the kernel truth. You go, you know, but you don't, you do that. Could have been a partner, could have been a gym towel. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. That's good. As a guy, especially when you're like a guy and you're like young and you're in love and everything. Just a little kernel. Just a little kernel of BS.

1:06:10 Drew Just to support his denial.

1:06:12 Adam Just a little, you know, now he can tell his buddies. What happened? She had herpes. Where'd she get it from? Beach towel. She's at the Y. She works with, you know, you know, she works with the therapy where they put the wheelchair right in the pool. Well, actually they used to do that and then they lost a couple of kids and now they don't strap into the wheelchair anymore. Well, not steel ones. But here's the point. That's where she got it. Work with handicap. You know what I mean? They need something to go on. And then poor dear found out, was devastated, told me, was in tears. Know what I'm saying? Why not? Hey, I'm all for lying if it doesn't help to tell the truth. Point is, the guy's got to go to the doctor. Guy's got to see a fees.

1:06:57 Drew He doesn't even have to do that. You have to work on, you got to get on the meds and there you go.

1:07:01 Adam Yes, if he got infected, he'd probably know it by now.

1:07:04 Drew He would know it by now, absolutely.

1:07:05 Adam Candice?

1:07:06 Yes.

1:07:07 Adam You're 20?

1:07:09 Caller Yes.

1:07:10 Adam Do you hear Drew yell at me?

1:07:13 Caller I'm sorry. What did you say? I'm at work, what did you say?

1:07:15 Drew She didn't hear it.

1:07:16 Adam He yelled at me.

1:07:17 Drew Well, talk to me like calls have been on hold if you want to hear, get some opinions.

1:07:21 Adam Yeah, I don't know, 83 minutes. Sarah's been a whole day through. Sarah?

1:07:25 Caller Yes?

1:07:26 Adam Do you hear Drew yell at me?

1:07:28 Caller Yes.

1:07:29 Adam What'd you think of that? Yeah, unfair, right?

1:07:33 Caller Yes.

1:07:34 Drew Not very nice.

1:07:35 Adam What happened to Hippocratic Oath? I tried to bring him back to that place when he listened to the Ranchero music and he didn't know what he was talking about, so he teed off on me. He freaked on me, man. All right, hold on, Sarah.

1:07:49 Drew Freak Chris out, you can still see he's kind of shaking back there.

1:07:51 Adam Yeah, doesn't take much of, you know, roach farts. Chris ain't right for days.

1:07:57 Drew Anderson loves it, strangely enough.

1:07:58 Adam Oh yeah, sure. Candice?

1:08:00 Caller Yeah.

1:08:02 Adam So you're 20, you're at work?

1:08:03 Caller Yeah, I am, I'm a security guard.

1:08:06 Adam Yeah, I passed the security guards on the way in to Kimmel this morning and I thought, yeah, poor Samson, I thought, eh, must be liberating, not liberating in a, I came up for a cure for cancer kind of way or I just humped the supermodel kind of way, but it's just kind of, you don't stress out when you go to work.

1:08:30 Drew You go home and you don't leave anything behind.

1:08:32 Adam They're all congregated, they're all talking, I just realized, and if tragedy does strike, they never really get blamed, they get a bullet maybe or whatever, but no one ever goes like, hey, go find this, oh, we blame this kid.

1:08:44 Drew Where was the security guard?

1:08:45 Adam Who's the guy, what happened in 911? Well, it could have been, all things could have been avoided if we, they just-

1:08:51 Drew In fact, quite the contrary, all you ever hear is-

1:08:52 Adam Hero.

1:08:53 Drew Hero, yeah.

1:08:54 Adam Hero.

1:08:55 Drew So you get either it's all good or just don't hear anything.

1:08:57 Adam Yeah, yeah, he was a hero because when he was shot, he was shot as he was trying to tune in his Walkman, his obese body blocked the hole long enough for people to flee to safety.

1:09:08 Drew So what's your question, Cam?

1:09:10 Caller Well, I have a like a really-

1:09:11 Adam That's right, there's a shrine in the hole shaped like a pizza.

1:09:14 Caller All right, sorry, go ahead, go ahead, Cam.

1:09:16 Caller I have like a really clingy boyfriend. We've been together since July. Like every like five minutes or so, he's always saying, I love you or, you know, he's always giving me a hug or a kiss or, you know, and it's like-

1:09:31 Drew How old is he?

1:09:31 Caller He's acting more feminine than I am, you know.

1:09:33 Drew Well, he's clingy and the clingy, how old is he?

1:09:36 Caller He's 23.

1:09:37 Drew Oh, he should be through that clingy stuff.

1:09:40 Adam Well, how long have you been with him?

1:09:42 Caller Since July, but we've been friends since like early this year. I met him at school.

1:09:46 Caller Hmm, junior college?

1:09:48 Caller No.

1:09:49 Caller What?

1:09:50 Caller The university, yeah. I mean, he was working there, he doesn't go there.

1:09:55 Adam Oh, now it came into focus. Well, so here's the thing, he's into you. He was friends with you and he's into you, you know, and the thing is, when somebody meets somebody for the first time at a bar and they, you know, exchange glances and phone numbers and all that kind of stuff, it's different than when a guy's been pining for six months. You know, he gets a nice, he's got a lot of love to share at that point.

1:10:17 Drew And was he a virgin this time?

1:10:19 Caller No, I mean, he's not, definitely not a virgin. Mm-hmm. But I mean, it's getting on my nerves and I just want to know, you know.

1:10:27 Adam Why does it get on your nerves? Why does it, because it make you feel like you're too good for him or something?

1:10:33 Caller No, it's just, it's annoying that every, I mean, can you imagine somebody every five minutes giving you a kiss, giving you a hug? You know, I'm sitting driving in the car and he'll lean over and lean on me while I'm driving or put his hand on my hand while I'm trying to chip gears and stuff.

1:10:47 Drew I'd say 90% of the women that are listening are angry with you for having that guy and not appreciating it.

1:10:53 Adam Yeah.

1:10:54 Drew Now him being clingy can be a little bit cumbersome, but you're not really describing clingy, you're just describing affectionate.

1:11:02 Adam Yeah, and here's my theory. Here's an interesting theory. And I asked it, I didn't really ask it the right way. It got shot down, but think about this, Drew. When you're with somebody and it's hard to, especially when you're younger, you're constantly sort of trying to measure your place, your worth, what you look like, what your job is, what your income is, what you drive, where you come from. And then sort of, you want to date up. You like to go out with someone a little bit. I mean, look, I hate to say, but this is the way it goes. If you're seven, you want to date at eight, you don't want to date at six. That's how you know you're doing well. And by the way, this is life. If you have an MBA and you're at the head of your class, you went to an Ivy League and you're making 36 grand a year, hold on. I know that sounds like a King's ransom Christmas, really not that much. Okay, and you're making that kind of money. You're not doing that well for yourself. On the other hand, if you got a ninth grade education and thrown out of the 10th grade and you don't have your GED, you're doing okay for yourself. I mean, that's what life is. If you're Richard Gere and you're dating a chick who works at the Quickie Mart and she's got a thyroid problem, you're not doing that good for yourself. I hate to say it, but that's it. And I gotta keep going here. I know we're on a late for break, but I mean, if you're making a ton of money and you're driving the smallest, cheapest Mercedes, that's not the car you should be driving if you're making a ton of money. On the other hand, for your school teacher, you're driving a great car. That's how we do it. And I think when somebody smothers the other person constantly with affection, they start thinking, well, maybe I can do a little better with this guy. First, it's happy to be with me. He's the school teacher driving the Mercedes.

1:12:47 Drew This is the Woody Allen, Groucho Marx statement about that I never wanna be a member of a club that could have me as a member.

1:12:53 Adam Yeah, but it's not-

1:12:53 Drew Especially enthusiastically embrace me as a member.

1:12:55 Adam It's not just all that. As a partner, part of your job is sort of letting the other person know that they're lucky to be with you too.

1:13:02 Drew Right, and especially by the way, women see clingy as weak and yuck.

1:13:07 Adam It calls it a feminine.

1:13:08 Drew Yeah, right.

1:13:09 Adam All right, let's- All right, why don't you just tell them the real it in a little bit. But stop building a case against them. Like Drew said, 99% of women here are getting angry because they love that for the guy.

1:13:20 Drew Yeah, it may be that you just can't handle intimacy, you can't handle closeness, and you gotta look at that too.

1:13:24 Adam All right, give it a break. We'll take a break.

1:13:25 Caller We'll take a break.

1:13:26 Adam Everyone, break something off. Now, we'll be right back.

1:13:34 Caller Call Loveline. 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:13:35 Adam Hey buddy, it's Adam.

1:13:36 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

1:13:37 Adam Here to talk about Axe, Deodorant Body Spray.

1:13:40 Drew Yes sir.

1:13:41 Adam You spray that on, you give stink the Axe.

1:13:50 Caller Alternative, San Francisco.

1:13:58 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Cary Always in here. On Wednesday, you meet World. We got Anthony Kiedis coming up next week.

1:14:13 Drew Nice.

1:14:14 Adam I don't even know if I've ever met him. Have I ever met him?

1:14:17 Caller Has he been on this show?

1:14:18 Drew He's been on this show.

1:14:19 Caller He's been on this show.

1:14:20 Caller He was in here with Robert Downey Jr. I'm pretty sure.

1:14:22 Caller He was in here with Robert Downey Jr. I don't think I've ever met Robert Downey.

1:14:27 Adam I know I've met Anthony Kiedis. Yeah.

1:14:31 Caller As they say, out the gate by eight, in the spoon by noon, back again by ten.

1:14:39 Adam Powerful. Yeah. Robert Downey Jr. Much more likeable guy than you'd ever know.

1:14:44 Drew Oh, yeah. He's a good guy.

1:14:45 Adam Incredibly likeable.

1:14:46 Drew Yeah.

1:14:46 Adam Yeah. We got to get him back in here. All right.

1:14:49 Drew I got to share a minute in the bathroom that we just had. I was walking by the latrine where Adam had just finished doing his business and, whoa, whoa, whoa. Asparagus again, Adam, for God sakes.

1:14:57 Adam Asparagus, yeah.

1:14:58 Drew Huh.

1:14:58 Adam A lot of asparagus.

1:14:59 Drew It's like there's no debating, no discussing. I know exactly what you had for dinner.

1:15:05 Adam I like asparagus.

1:15:07 Drew Yeah. A bushel of asparagus. Yeah. It's brutal. I'm walking out of the bathroom and I literally am propelled out by the scent.

1:15:16 Adam I would like a car air freshener just smelled like my asparagus whiz. You know, if you think about it, like.

1:15:22 Drew Little stalks of asparagus hanging off the window.

1:15:25 Adam First off, you know, the car scents are like ridiculous, like cherry vanilla and stuff. Stuff smells like a pimp's apartment. It smells like a pimp's hamper. It's a weird stuff. I wouldn't mind some peppermint or something. It's just ridiculous stuff smells like an old porno magazine that kind of weird and sweet, waxy mildew meets jizz, meets wax, meets weed. How about some asparagus whiz?

1:15:52 Caller And by the way, really?

1:15:54 Adam Well, here's the thing. I drive a two seater. I'm in the car alone 99 percent of the time. How about I smell my own asparagus whiz or my own ass?

1:16:03 Drew Let me be the first to testify. It impresses.

1:16:07 Adam I got to tell you this, Drew. What about this? Let's just say you're a chemist. We capture your essence and we give it back to you. Now, just hold on a second.

1:16:22 Drew I just think essence under different conditions, too.

1:16:24 Adam Oh yeah, here's a flop sweat, here's a, oh, here's a sex sack. This is what your sack smells like when you're getting on. Yeah, but you know, I mean, you know that crazy, can't get enough of your own funk kind of thing you get into every once in a while? And you just, come on, please. You've been out jogging, you know, it's a hot day. You've covered six miles. You get home, you're taking, you're getting in the shower. You get a shot of your own sack, you stop for a second. You just sort of live, you take a moment to smell the roses. And it's the same with the gas and the scooping and the whole thing.

1:17:02 Drew It's not even joy, it's you're impressed by it.

1:17:04 Adam You appreciate it. It's as close as we get to our sort of animal forefathers. You know, the prehistoric man as we can get to it, it hits on a nerve that it digs in deeper than just smelling something that smells of lilacs.

1:17:20 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:17:21 Adam This is important. This is visceral.

1:17:23 Drew Yes.

1:17:24 Adam Now, couldn't you go to a chemist and, you know, I just blast one into a beaker or I give them a little shot of the asparagus whiz or whatever it is and I go, synthesize my asparagus whiz.

1:17:36 Drew There's a company called International Flurf, flavors and fragrances.

1:17:39 Adam I could go to those people.

1:17:41 Drew They should be able to come up with Corolla whiz.

1:17:43 Adam Right.

1:17:43 Drew And Corolla.

1:17:44 Adam Sack.

1:17:45 Drew And Duke. And it's all.

1:17:47 Adam Yeah. Ace is Jack sack.

1:17:49 Drew Ace is, what'd you call it? Anal nectar? Rectal nectar.

1:17:54 Adam I can't remember. But the point is, is I could then have my own air fresheners. God knows the shape they'd be in.

1:18:02 Drew Oh, beautiful.

1:18:04 Adam Big scrotum hanging from the rear view. But no, you do the asparagus like the asparagus.

1:18:09 Drew The dog asparagus and the pot of honey for the nectar. Right, right.

1:18:15 Adam The point is, is I get my own scent going. And then that's it. Like when I turn the heater on, and then someone climbs to the car, it's like, what the F? What the, what the, oh, no, no, that's my ass fragrance. It's hanging from the rear view. Nice, huh?

1:18:30 Drew You wouldn't say that. You just go, that's me.

1:18:33 Adam I would take it out before, you know, flush carpooling or something. Yeah. Okay, all right, not a bad plan, yes.

1:18:40 Drew I expect to see it actualized.

1:18:43 Adam I mean, really, really, really, if you could get your own funk in the form of one of those Christmas tree air fresheners. Be worth 40 bucks, do you want it? Last couple of months.

1:18:53 Caller Of course.

1:18:59 Adam You're 18?

1:19:01 Caller What's up? Erected?

1:19:07 Adam Your husband? Boyfriend. Oh, it's funny, because it said boyfriend, I thought you said husband. Your boyfriend won't stand, oh, hold on, I'll cut the ass off. See, that's a sample I can send off to the lab.

1:19:21 Drew Yeah, just follow it up. All right, look at this, I'm just fully protected.

1:19:24 Caller Drew's covered up.

1:19:25 Adam Yeah, he won't stay erected during sex.

1:19:29 Drew Anything about him we should know, is he having any medical problems, is he on any medications? Does he wear a condom when he's having sex? Is he wearing a condom when he, I'm sorry, you can't understand me.

1:19:38 Adam Drew's got a sweatshirt pulled up over his face.

1:19:40 Drew But does he wear a condom when he's having sex?

1:19:43 Caller Well, we used to, but that didn't help it, so we stopped and switched.

1:19:48 Drew What are you doing for birth control now?

1:19:50 Caller I don't know.

1:19:53 Adam And then what? It says up here, he beats off afterward.

1:19:57 Caller Yes.

1:19:58 Adam Where are you when he's beaten off?

1:20:04 Drew Ooh, really? Got a little weird, huh?

1:20:07 Adam He does it right in front of you.

1:20:08 Caller Uh-huh.

1:20:09 Adam Yeah, you're fine.

1:20:10 Caller You're fine. Drew, you're good.

1:20:13 Adam Uh, shield's down, shield's down.

1:20:14 Drew That's why I freaked out on you.

1:20:15 Adam No, I know. She's like, Vietnam fat. So, he then says halfway into sex, he loses his erection, and then he says, I gotta masturbate, and I just need to sort of be in the room, or you can get up and leave.

1:20:31 Caller No, he doesn't care.

1:20:34 Drew Ooh, doesn't care.

1:20:35 Adam He can stay or leave. He doesn't, he's just gonna.

1:20:37 Drew Do you discuss this with him? Does he bring it up? Want to talk? Or are you willing to talk with you?

1:20:42 Caller He gets really upset about it, like he doesn't know why it happens, and he's always like apologizing, and.

1:20:50 Drew How long before it happens? I mean, for a long time, is he able to keep it erect, and then suddenly loses it?

1:20:55 Caller Yeah, he'll keep it erected, and he'll get me off, and then he'll like lose it after that.

1:21:01 Drew How long does that take?

1:21:02 Adam By the way, I'm just thinking about it, like if she says erected constantly, and you say wrecked, she must think you're pronouncing it, or using it incorrectly.

1:21:13 Drew Right.

1:21:13 Adam Hence, she's sticking with her.

1:21:15 Drew Right.

1:21:16 Caller You know what I mean?

1:21:16 Drew Right, right.

1:21:17 Caller That's the other good thing.

1:21:18 Adam Like, hey, the doc over here is saying it a different way, and I kinda.

1:21:22 Drew Yeah, no adjustment.

1:21:23 Adam Just stick with the game plan. All right there, Sarah. So he stays erected for how long?

1:21:32 Drew What if he sort of gets himself closer to orgasm?

1:21:34 Adam It's not too bad, by the way.

1:21:36 Drew Yeah, it's above normal, basically. I wonder if he's able to sort of stimulate himself to the point that he could nearly have an orgasm before they start having sex, and then maybe he won't lose it.

1:21:48 Caller Well, we've done that, and it helps sometimes, but not forever.

1:21:53 Adam Mm-hmm, and all right. And do you give him oral sex?

1:21:57 Caller Yes.

1:21:58 Adam Does he like that? Can he have an orgasm that way?

1:22:03 Caller He hasn't been able to before because my jaw isn't stable. When I hold it open, it'll, like, slam shut. So I'm worried that it'll slam shut while I'm doing it.

1:22:17 Caller So I don't want to hurt him.

1:22:21 Adam Yeah, oh, by the way, good rap to go into the relationship with, Drew, tell your daughter, you know, when it comes time today, like, hey, I love giving oral, but I do have a problem. At any time, my jaw could snap shut. And I mean, I took a dentist ring finger off once. I once actually snapped a mop handle right off the last four inches. Just pow, just, I mean, when it shuts, it's like a rat trap.

1:22:51 Drew I can't tell when that's gonna happen either.

1:22:52 Adam And it might not happen for a month, but it might happen twice in five minutes. That's a guy be like, we're cool.

1:23:02 Caller I'm just gonna beat off and cry.

1:23:03 Drew No, guy would be like, bring it on.

1:23:05 Caller All right, well, I'm gonna have to tongue your butt hole then for now. Well, that's how guys are, to be honest.

1:23:18 Adam What can I say? The guy takes 15 minutes and then he does it, and he has a jaw problem. He's very apologetic. I don't understand the part where he just sits there and does it in front of you, though. He doesn't have you help him, or, you know.

1:23:30 Drew Yeah, it sounds like something funny about him.

1:23:31 I help him sometimes.

1:23:35 Adam I know, but, okay. She's presenting it as he goes limp in the middle, and then he rolls over and starts masturbating. He doesn't care from there or not. And then you get that, then it comes into, well, he's very apologetic, he's ashamed of it, and I help him sometimes. So it-

1:23:51 Drew Hard to tell what's really going on here. I almost wonder if this is a point for some Viagra for a while just to get them through this. I wouldn't normally recommend that for an 18, 19-year-old, but just to get them to-

1:24:00 Adam A little confidence builder?

1:24:01 Drew Yeah, just to get them sort of back in the game.

1:24:03 Adam What about you become psychologically dependent on it?

1:24:06 Drew Yeah, and then it's like, I got a problem. But the fact is, I think that they could work this out if they just sort of focused on it a little bit. It doesn't sound like an instrumental approach. I kind of think he's actually probably focused too much on her, or he wears himself out, then they just lose it.

1:24:19 Adam And she's like depressed and kind of mixed and weird about the whole thing and sort of wounded. And don't be wounded, just have a talk about it and work it out.

1:24:29 Drew That's right.

1:24:30 Adam All right, we'll take a break. We'll be right back.

1:24:33 Caller Love Line. We'll be right back.

1:24:39 Caller Loveline has brought you Life Live 105.

1:24:51 Caller We'll hop back to the phones.

1:24:53 Adam Let me tell you this, Drew. You know, here's what I was thinking of. You know, I say people don't honk enough in this town. There's no honking going on. And I'm not sure why. I get the feeling there's a lot of people that are from different lands and different parts of the country.

1:25:10 Drew And more space here, too, some people look at it.

1:25:11 Adam A little more space. Then we'll use their horns.

1:25:13 Drew Why not?

1:25:14 Caller It's because it's all cab drivers.

1:25:16 Adam What's that?

1:25:17 Caller It's like in New York, it's only the cab drivers who are honking because there's so many cabs.

1:25:20 Drew There are cab drivers.

1:25:21 Caller We don't have many cab drivers over here.

1:25:23 Adam It's interesting theory, but no. If you walk down Manhattan streets, everybody's on the horn all the time.

1:25:30 Drew It's illegal to honk here, isn't it? Or something, some weird.

1:25:33 Adam There is something. Well, it goes against the Quaalude laws where you have to just drive around like you're a goddamn zombie. But yes, the cabbies do a lot of honking in New York and so does everybody. Because if the light changes and you're sitting there for three Mississippi, they're honking you.

1:25:51 Drew Three Mississippi.

1:25:52 Adam They're crazy.

1:25:53 Caller Half a Mississippi.

1:25:56 Adam You will get hit with an ashtray.

1:25:58 Drew Yeah, yeah, three Mississippi, you get hit with something.

1:25:59 Adam Right, fine. I'm all for it. But here's where I realized nobody honks in Los Angeles, except for, of course, me. Here's where they do honk in Los Angeles, living up in the hills. They honk as they're going around the corners up in the hills. So the only goddamn time they honk is when they're driving around my house because it's a curvy hill. And it's like, and sometimes it's like 6.45 in the morning. It's not the toot, either. It's like, I was sleeping this morning. It was like a 6.45, it was like, it's like, oh, someone's out front or something. I'm just turning the corner. Didn't want to, you got to honk because you're in a hill.

1:26:39 Drew That has never occurred to me to do that, especially not early in the morning.

1:26:42 Adam Old people lean on the horn when they're going around like a mountain corner because they can't see what's around them, so they honk.

1:26:49 Drew Well, in that pair, but you're on, people go at least 12 miles an hour.

1:26:52 Caller At least. At least, yeah.

1:26:53 Adam It's awesome. So I realized, this is when you honk. Now I'm back, now it's come full circle. Now I want you not to honk, never. And when all horn's confiscated. Fantastic. Listen, a-holes, don't honk. By the way, people live right in there. They're sleeping and stuff. So you got to ride the horn. Just turn the corner, would you? Throw fate to the wind, huh?

1:27:16 Drew We need to play one more accordion countdown before the night's out.

1:27:20 Adam Really?

1:27:20 Drew We do.

1:27:20 Adam Because we're getting a lot of feedback when we do it.

1:27:23 Drew I know, we just won't talk. You just.

1:27:24 Adam Oh, we fixed it. All right, all right. This is Ace's accordion countdown.

1:27:28 Caller Hold on, they're not playing right now. They're taking a break.

1:27:30 Adam They're taking a break.

1:27:31 Drew We take all, they're taking a break.

1:27:34 Adam It's Ranchero music. It's a game that's sweeping the nation. I predict bigger than Germany or Florida. Ashley? You're 18?

1:27:43 Caller Yes, I am.

1:27:44 Adam What's up, baby doll?

1:27:46 Caller About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I've been on birth control about three years. And well, we actually caught it before it got into cancer. And I was just wondering-

1:28:00 Drew Endometriosis isn't cancer.

1:28:02 Caller Well, they thought, cause it runs my family.

1:28:04 Drew Yeah, that's something different.

1:28:06 Caller Well, yeah, so they were scared that I would have cancer, but-

1:28:09 Drew You don't have cancer.

1:28:10 Caller No, I don't.

1:28:11 Adam No, and now do they get the pre-cancer cells and they have normal pap smear, or is this just a nut, this is an eyeball disease? You raped?

1:28:18 Caller Yeah, I was on cancer. I was on medication that they put on severe cancer patients for about three months, cause I had excessive bleeding for four months.

1:28:27 Drew Yeah, you don't have cancer, Ashley. Stop thinking that you have cancer, you might have cancer.

1:28:31 Caller Oh, I don't.

1:28:32 Drew It's not being used to anything related to cancer for you. Were you on, what were you on, Mega Ace or something? Yeah, okay, these are all ways of manipulating the hormones.

1:28:40 Caller Yeah.

1:28:41 Drew That's all.

1:28:41 Caller And then.

1:28:42 Adam Ashley. Now that you're free of cancer.

1:28:46 Drew I've never had cancer.

1:28:47 Adam You've survived cancer. Maybe you should celebrate by playing Ace's Mexican Accordion Countdown. All right.

1:28:56 Caller They're being extra lazy right now, guys.

1:28:59 Adam They're not playing the music, huh?

1:29:01 Caller No.

1:29:01 Adam I have no idea what Anderson has tapped into, by the way.

1:29:05 Caller It's a direct pipeline, but sometimes they play it, sometimes they don't.

1:29:08 Drew Ranchero pipeline.

1:29:09 Adam What do you mean a direct Ranchero pipeline?

1:29:12 Caller It's radio magic.

1:29:13 Drew Okay.

1:29:14 Caller But we got a direct pipeline, but they like to sit down and eat off the grill sometimes, and that's what they're doing right now.

1:29:19 Drew It's Ozzy. He sits at the barbecue and...

1:29:21 Adam All right, I still have no idea what's going on, but you'll tell us when they start playing, yes? Yes.

1:29:27 Caller Ashley.

1:29:28 Caller Yes?

1:29:29 Caller Yes?

1:29:30 Adam Okay, so the question is...

1:29:33 Caller The question is, I was on Lipron for about eight...

1:29:37 Drew Lupron.

1:29:38 Caller Lupron, yes, I was on that for about eight months because they wanted to have my body feel like...

1:29:43 Drew Yes, yes, it's for your endometriosis.

1:29:44 Adam Yeah, you're riddled with cancer.

1:29:46 Drew And what's your question?

1:29:47 Caller And my question is, I've been on birth control for three years and I was on that for eight months and I was wondering if there were really any long-term side effects.

1:29:53 Drew No, you'll get your endometriosis control. That's a good thing. You're fine. In fact, where did I see some other benefits to being on the birth control pill? Another significant, less heart disease, less heart disease, less strokes. Really? Less bone disease, less cancer of the ovaries, less cancer of the, I mean just multiple, multiple benefits of being on oral contraceptive pills and the doses that are now available.

1:30:12 Adam What about all those stupid hippie bras? You're like, I don't even manipulate. Move to China, you nutjobs. Go drink your herbal tea and shut your pie holes.

1:30:24 Drew Well, everyone knows that.

1:30:25 Adam And then when something goes wrong, you come back begging for some real medicine.

1:30:29 Drew Everyone knows that the people in China throughout history, no one's ever been healthier. They never needed Western medicine. Yeah, no, no, no. They all had cures for cancer. They never got, no one ever got cancer.

1:30:40 Adam No, that's why they have a billion people over there. No one's ever died. Since the Ming Dynasty.

1:30:45 Drew They're all the same people.

1:30:46 Adam They've never died. The guys are rolling around, they're 3,000 years old.

1:30:50 Drew Yeah, that's right.

1:30:51 Adam Still jogging. And you know what? They respect their families.

1:30:56 Caller Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:31:00 Adam Yeah, I just, Drew and I both have had an ass full of all the Hollywood types with their enemas and their herbal teas and their...

1:31:09 Caller Western medicine, when the man wants to poison you.

1:31:13 Adam It's all great. Yeah, yeah. How you doing with the AIDS? You drinking the green tea? Oh, you want the AZT? Oh, that's a different kind of tea.

1:31:23 Drew AIDS was created. It's a fiction. It does nothing with HIV.

1:31:26 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, all you pussies. You're all full of your crap until you get sick and then you got to go to the man and start kissing his ass and get some real drugs. Oh, the rest, it's all one big enema party and a one big, oh, I'm cleansing myself and I'm removing the toxins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you get sick and now you got to go kiss the man's ass. That's how it works. You hypocrites, just shut up about your junk. Would you shut up already? Your lifestyle, shut up. Go live your lifestyle. Shut up about it. Jesus Christ.

1:32:03 Caller Oh, well, over there, they have the wisdom of their force. Shut up.

1:32:07 Drew Instantaneous. How many seconds?

1:32:12 Adam Oh, six seconds is what I'm going with. You ready, Anderson? Yeah, they're good to. You know what I like about this song?

1:32:34 Drew I can barely identify this Ranchero music. Novel.

1:32:48 Caller The hell was that?

1:32:52 Adam All right. We got to take ourselves a little break. Drew, that's getting too easy now.

1:32:58 Drew Yeah.

1:32:58 Adam We need to find something between Classical and Ranchero.

1:33:03 Drew Yodeling?

1:33:04 Adam Something that has a little more accordion-like. We'll take a little break. We'll be right back after this.

1:33:29 Drew Well, we'll have to talk for a few more minutes then.

1:33:32 Adam Back with more complaints tomorrow night. I'll tell you that right now.

1:33:36 Drew That was my reverse psychology again.

1:33:37 Adam Oh no. Oh yeah. So, until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:33:43 Caller Well, we talked on the cell phone a little while ago.

1:33:48 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:33:52 Caller The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, October 25, 2004