Episode 1000653272156

0:57 Voiceover Online is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

1:21 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, did you miss me? Blah, blah, blah. Whoo. Get it on. Got to get it on. Tell you what. Going to get it on.

1:34 Drew That is some good radio.

1:36 Adam Got to get it on. Get it on tonight. Freak out. Get it on. All right. Tonight, just Drew and myself, Ron Jeremy and Christy Canyon, two of my favorite porn stars coming in tomorrow night. And then Marsha Thompson from Las Vegas, NBC's Las Vegas, in here Thursday night. My beloved Crank Anchor is on tonight. Comedy Central, 10.30. Got to give that a plug. And what else, Drew? What's going on out there?

2:04 Drew It's raining.

2:05 Adam Man, is it raining.

2:07 Drew Look. The news broadcast over here. Got to have emergency break-in, breaking news. It's raining, ladies and gentlemen.

2:13 Adam Oh, they got a shot of the ground with water hitting it.

2:16 Drew Water coming out of the sky.

2:18 Adam I like when they start giving you some tips. Take it easy. Stay inside.

2:21 Drew Use an umbrella.

2:22 Adam Slow it down a little bit.

2:23 Drew Wear waterproof shoe covers.

2:25 Adam Roads are slick, everybody. Yeah. All right. So it's raining and the Yankees won.

2:32 Drew No. Red Sox won.

2:33 Adam I mean, the Red Sox won. I know I scared everybody.

2:35 Drew It's crazy.

2:36 Adam I even scared myself, actually. I went, wow, series over. Now, now it's going to game seven. This is crazy. That's crazy.

2:43 Drew Oh, you live with all those Red Sox fans.

2:44 Adam Yeah.

2:44 Drew They must be going nuts.

2:46 Adam So I want, I want Yankees to win because here's the thing. Here's really, here's all you need to know about the human condition. You want your team to win, number one, and you want your buddy's team to lose, number two.

2:56 Drew Yeah, that's a male thing.

2:57 Adam That's a male thing. That's how guys think. You want your team to win. And if your team can't win, you feel bad. And you don't want to sit around and watch other people celebrate. You want to commiserate with them. So it'd be nice if their team loses.

3:09 Drew Right. Especially if they're sort of full of their team. You know what I'm saying? If they're completely, they live and die with their teams. Shut up.

3:15 Adam And I've had an ass full of the Massachusetts area for the last three years, I got to tell you. And I never realized how obnoxious the fans were in that part of the country until I was there after the Super Bowl when they beat the Rams in New Orleans. And they weren't celebrating the Patriots' win, they were celebrating the Rams' loss. Just a bunch of drunken fat guys from New England running up at everyone they could find and yelling, you thought the Rams were going to win, didn't you? Well, I'm from St. Louis, they just start screaming. They didn't want to enjoy the win. And I don't know when this started, that after every big game, they had to interview the players and the players were like, nobody thought we could do it except for the people in this locker room. And we shocked the world. And you people said that we couldn't. You know, it's like, OK, I'll show you. Relax. You guys just won. You won. Enjoy that. Aren't you supposed to be thanking Allah or something or Jesus or something at this point? And your mom? Isn't that how it goes?

4:20 Drew That's the traditional thing.

4:21 Adam Shouldn't we be yelling at the reporters? You guys didn't think we could do it? I don't know when even winning turned sort of venomous.

4:28 Drew Hostile. It turned hostile.

4:30 Adam Yeah, it used to be the guy who lost threw his mitt down and the guy who won held his hands up.

4:35 Drew Or the guy who won was very gracious, graciously accepted his victory.

4:39 Adam I'm even alright with him just spraying champagne on his buddies' heads. But the part where he starts screaming at everyone, you didn't think we could win and we showed you and nobody but us thought we could win and no one but the people in this locker room thought we could win, shut up. It just started in on that a few years ago and it got so goddamn obnoxious. So that's when I realized everyone from the New England area and Foxboro and all that were just a-holes because just drunken guys looking for anybody who was a fan of the team their team beat and wanted to go abuse them. Yeah. It's really weird. It's like they have one. They really have like they have two modes. They have we're angry because we lost and we won but yet we still must abuse. So what do we do? Like how do we weigh the excitement of victory against our need to abuse? Like if we just celebrate, who would be getting abused?

5:31 Drew Right.

5:32 Adam So let's see if we can put a unique twist on it. We'll just abuse the people we beat.

5:36 Drew You got abuse on my victory.

5:38 Adam That's right. All right. So we'll keep our fingers crossed. By the way, the Yankees don't need another win either. And here's the worst. I'll tell you the worst people in the world. It always comes up during the Super Bowl. It's like one team has never been there in the 28 years the franchise has been around. Another team has three or four Super Bowl rings. You talk to some guys from neither city, has nothing at stake, hasn't even bet. You're like, who are you pulling for? I kind of like to see the Steelers or Dallas or whoever's got the four Super Bowl rings. San Francisco. I like to see them win. Really? What? They got four rings. They got four rings.

6:16 Caller What Anderson? Bet you.

6:17 Adam Is that Drew?

6:18 Yeah, he likes whoever won.

6:20 Adam Is that you, Drew?

6:22 Drew A little bit that way.

6:23 Adam Puss. Puss.

6:25 Drew Puss.

6:26 Adam So it's like one team, and I swear this happens every year because what will happen is like the Yankees will be playing the Marlins. And one team has 28 World Series rings, the other has zero, and they'll be like, well, I'm not from Florida or New York, but I don't really care. But I guess I like to see the Yankees win. True. Really? So they can have 29? That's you?

6:48 Drew It's fun to be connected to a dynasty, but I'm pulling for the Red Sox this time.

6:53 Adam Yeah. Okay, me too. But here's what I'm saying. And maybe this is an interesting study, Drew. Interesting. Think about it for a second. I know it sounds self-serving.

7:02 Drew It is interesting.

7:03 Adam But I'll always unequivocally pull for the team that just has the worst record or shouldn't be there or has less whatever.

7:08 I think most people do that.

7:09 Drew And that actually bothers you.

7:10 No, I don't think they do.

7:11 Drew I think Americans have a history of pulling for the underdogs, and that bothers me too. That bothers me that people automatically pull for the underdog. Why? What's wrong with the guys that are superior? They matter.

7:21 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's more interesting if the other guys win.

7:25 Drew I was a Miami fan in the 70s.

7:27 Adam Right.

7:27 Drew Nobody was going to beat them.

7:30 Adam Right. Oh, yeah. I know. It's very easy.

7:31 Drew Very safe.

7:32 Adam It must be nice. It must be nice.

7:34 Drew I had a Dodger fan.

7:35 Adam Who else are you pulling for? The white man? Pulling for the whitey? See if you can get ahead?

7:39 Drew Get a break?

7:40 Adam We can catch a break?

7:41 Drew No. I said if I pull for things that are superior.

7:43 Adam Do the blue-eyed guys own Lion yet? Are they allowed to vote? What else? What do you mean? What else? Mercedes owners?

7:48 Drew Who else do we have to pull for?

7:50 Adam Guys who own multi-story homes? Who else are we pulling for? Land-bearers? What's going on?

7:55 Drew Slave owners?

7:55 Adam What's going on? Why do you get a break?

7:58 Drew That's why Americans do that. Because we would find it distasteful to pull for people that are in a insecure position.

8:04 Adam Here's what people are. They're just sort of a combination between lazy, weak and stupid. It's like one team is a 17-point favorite. When the game's all over, I want to go home and feel good about myself. I don't want to go home and say my team lost because that team becomes your team if you're pulling for them the whole game. So I'm going to take the easy route and I'll get the victory.

8:24 Drew Then why have a winning team at all? Why do we want to have a winning team in our hometown? Why bother? It's this.

8:30 Adam Look, I wouldn't want that.

8:31 Drew I wouldn't want that.

8:32 Adam You have one team that has four Super Bowl rings. Another team that's never been to the show in 25 years. You don't care either way. You have no relatives in either place. You're going to root for the team. Now, look, the guys with the four Super Bowl rings, none of the guys and maybe this is different guys, different guys, but the franchise has it. Go for the guys that have zero.

8:51 Drew It's an interesting topic. It really is. It is.

8:54 Adam I got to tell you, even as a Rams fan, believe it or not, the Rams had won the year or two years before. They're playing the Pats the first time. Had I known, I wouldn't have done this. But they're playing the Pats. The Rams got their Super Bowl ring a year and a half earlier. Pats had been around for 30 years, never won anything. They're playing the Rams. I was like, I wouldn't mind if the Pats won. It'd be fair. Rams won one two years ago. Pats been around for 35 years. Let them win one. Little did I know it would turn into this. Now had it do over again, I would have forced the Rams to win.

9:31 Drew You're angry at the Patriots for having a winning dynasty.

9:34 Adam Now I'm angry because then they just kept winning and it turned into a nightmare. But the point is, is at the time, even if as a Rams fan, I thought the team that hadn't won in 35 years, I thought, let them win. Fine. Now I'm just saying, I don't know how many people think that way. Not enough.

9:50 Drew Not enough. I think a lot of people do.

9:52 Adam Not sports fans.

9:55 Drew What was that? I got to know. Anna?

10:01 Adam Hey, what's happening, baby doll? Hey, turn something down.

10:06 Caller Hello.

10:08 Adam What's going on?

10:10 Caller I have a problem. Who is this? Who did you call? I called Q101.

10:16 Adam Well, that's us.

10:18 Caller Well, I've been on the phone for so long.

10:21 Caller All right.

10:21 Caller All right. Well, I have a problem. Every time I just got my clip here, they call it the trunk. And every time I walk, I feel like I'm having an orgasm.

10:33 Caller Hold on.

10:35 Adam You had your clip pierced, they call it the trunk?

10:37 Caller Yeah.

10:39 Drew You mean the hood?

10:41 Caller No. I'm from the beach, Virginia.

10:44 Drew Virginia Beach.

10:49 Adam Drew, did you got that whole exchange there?

10:52 Drew I got it. I didn't follow it, but you know what I mean?

10:54 Adam You didn't follow it? Drew, you missed something precious.

10:57 Drew Tell me.

10:58 Adam She said, I got the trunk. Well, first off, she said, I got my clip here. They call it the trunk. So I'm guessing that's the kind of piercing she got on her clip. They call it the trunk. And then you said, you mean the hood? And she said, no, I'm from Virginia Beach. She said, where I'm from, we call it the trunk. And you said, you mean the hood, meaning you're from the hood. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

11:20 Drew I miss that.

11:21 Adam Yeah, because it was funny because she said, where I'm from, we call it the trunk. And you said, you mean the hood.

11:29 Drew They came out of my mouth. That's why I missed that.

11:32 I know. That's why you should have gone.

11:34 Adam All right.

11:36 Caller So, Anna, yeah, I'm here.

11:38 Adam You're you're from the previous. You're from the you're from you're from the hood.

11:47 Drew They're the kind of piercing you had.

11:49 They pierced the hood.

11:58 Drew She's confused the parts of the automobile. The whole.

12:00 Caller Right.

12:01 I got it.

12:01 Caller I got the joke. No.

12:03 Adam Yeah. What do you mean the trunk, though?

12:05 All right.

12:06 Caller You're right.

12:07 Drew She meant the hood.

12:08 Adam She meant the. Oh, really? Really? The boot and the bonnet. She got her trunk pierced. Oh, what the hell is going on?

12:22 Drew I knew that's where she was going. Oh, oh, my God.

12:25 Adam All right.

12:27 Drew Yeah. Thank you for using it.

12:29 Adam So you got your hood.

12:30 All right.

12:32 Adam Yeah.

12:32 Drew The trunk's now open.

12:33 Adam Right.

12:33 Drew There's a body in there.

12:34 Adam So, OK. And now what?

12:36 Drew Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing in Chicago if you're from Virginia Beach?

12:39 Caller Because my husband got out of the military and he's from Chicago. But that's besides the point. The point is...

12:47 Drew How long ago did you have your trunk pierced?

12:50 Caller Four months ago.

12:51 Drew In Virginia Beach.

12:52 Caller That's correct. How'd you know Virginia? I just said the beach.

12:57 Adam Now, I think you said Virginia Beach.

13:00 Drew You said Virginia Beach. You're the same person called the hood, the trunk. So just kind of remember that.

13:03 Caller Right. Well, anyhow, it's like a thing or, you know, whatever. But every time I walk, I feel like I'm going to get off.

13:12 Drew That is what is that. So some people report from these kind of piercings. The problem with that is that you can eventually become desensitized.

13:19 Adam Yeah, because while you're oversensitized. Well, the thing is, is eventually if it if it feel, if you feel that sensation, every time you take a step, your body's going to have to turn down the volume on the clitoris. Otherwise, you'd be walking around leaving a snail trail and screaming. Stay out of the dairy. Why don't you take it out?

13:46 Drew Produs.

13:47 Adam Oh, I don't want to. I just don't know. Like, you know, then I then then you have you'll have to ice your clit before you go outside.

13:54 Drew You know, spray it down or something.

13:57 Adam Tape it up. Get a little skull cap for it. Get, you know, spray it with some of that freon.

14:03 Drew Meneyamica, clityamica.

14:05 Adam Yeah. Clitica. Take the take some of that that nitrogen stuff, that spray can stuff they would spray on your elbow when you'd scuff it up as a kid. It was red. It was obnoxious.

14:17 Drew Well, ethyl chloride.

14:18 Adam Just spray some of that on there. Knock it down. By the way, first off, haven't someone put something through your clitoris? It just seems bizarre to me. And first off, is just somebody working on that area, a stranger working on that area, an un-

14:37 Drew Non-professional.

14:38 Adam Untrained professional working or non-professional working on that area. And then just putting a spirit through it. And it just smacks of effed up. Yeah, it really does. I don't know what's up with Anna. No, I know. But Anna?

14:50 Caller Yeah.

14:51 Adam OK, don't have any kids.

14:54 Caller Yeah, sure.

14:54 Adam You have kids.

14:56 Caller Why do you tell me not to have any?

14:58 Adam Because you sound unfit.

15:00 I sound unfit?

15:01 Adam Yeah.

15:02 Why?

15:02 Adam Like you'd be a bad mother.

15:04 Why?

15:05 Adam Well, because you decided because you decided to be a good idea to get your clit pierced with being a mother of two.

15:11 So a mother of two?

15:15 Drew How many you have?

15:16 Caller OK, wait, why would you say I'm an unfit mother if I have my clit pierced?

15:19 Drew How many kids do you have?

15:20 Well, that's beside the point.

15:23 Drew She has three or four.

15:24 Adam What do you have, three kids?

15:24 Caller Wait, so if you get your tongue pierced, that makes you an unfit mother?

15:29 Adam How many kids do you have? How many kids you have, you hoe?

15:33 Caller I'm a whore.

15:35 Adam All right, idiot.

15:36 Caller Isn't that on the trunk?

15:37 Adam We all know she's a great mom.

15:39 Drew Well.

15:40 Adam And again, we talk to these a-holes every night, which is, oh, listen, I go out, we do a little swinging, then I do a bump, a blow off my boss' ass, then I get a hood piercing. How dare you, Sam? I leave it all at work, and then I come home, and I'm a new, oh, I'm Mary Poppins when I get home.

15:59 Drew And Mary Poppins wasn't having spontaneous orgasms.

16:02 Adam Right. Look, I'm not trying to be uptight. I'm just saying, if you got two or three kids, don't worry about the hood piercings.

16:09 Drew I mean, but I mean.

16:10 Adam It's not the act, it's that you're thinking about it.

16:14 Drew Right.

16:14 Adam That ass shouldn't even pop up on your radar screen.

16:17 Drew It's not the fact that she has a piercing.

16:20 Adam It's not, no, and it's not the fact that she enjoys sex, or that she wants to be intimate with her husband as much as she wants.

16:27 Drew That's not. That she's spending her time obsessing about this kind of thing.

16:29 Adam It's a non-judgment call. It's that husband tossed out of the military or out of the military. Guessing you're moving back to Chicago. That's where he's from. Probably live in the folks basement. You know, you live in the military. It's basically 850 bucks a month. You don't got two nickels to rub together. And you're spending 110 bucks, get a hole pierced in your hood. That's all. I'm sure you could use a car seat instead of the hole piercing.

16:54 Drew That's all I'm saying. And what if she has a complication, gets infected or something?

16:57 Adam And what happened to mom? Yeah, she died when a guy was sleeved with tattoos who had a bone coming out of his nose. They couldn't stop the bleeding coming from the vagina.

17:06 Drew From the clitoris.

17:07 Adam Yeah. What's in the vagina, right?

17:09 Drew Above it. Ah, that's vagina.

17:12 Adam It's an vulva, it's vulva. It's like-

17:14 Drew Vagina is the inside.

17:15 Adam Oh, it's like, it's like saying the panhandle is not part of Texas. See what I'm saying? It's just off.

17:28 Drew Yeah, it's Oklahoma, it's not Texas.

17:31 Adam Isn't there's a Texas panhandle too though, isn't there? No, it's all Oklahoma. I thought there was a Texas panhandle.

17:38 Drew Panhandle is the pan, the Oklahoma is the-

17:40 Adam There's no handle, the handle's not, oh no, it's not, is it? Oh, you're right, Drew.

17:44 Drew It's Oklahoma, the clitoris is in Oklahoma.

17:47 Adam I thought Texas had a pan with a handle on it too.

17:49 Drew The clitoris is in Oklahoma, you're right.

17:50 Adam All right, you're right. Look, I'm just saying the clitoris is in the vagina. That's how everyone thinks, it's a vagina. What else do you wanna call it?

17:56 Drew Well, that's why guys don't know how to perform oral sex. They think there's- How dare you? They think there's something in the vagina that they're gonna be able to stimulate. There isn't.

18:04 Adam That's the vagina, the whole thing from hair to hair.

18:07 Drew Here we go, got the picture here, this part.

18:11 Adam Yeah, that's all vagina.

18:12 Drew That's all vulva.

18:13 Adam Vulva, vagina, it's all the same place. It's all the Texas.

18:18 Drew You're looking at this, this doesn't-

18:19 Adam I didn't want to look at your pictures anymore.

18:20 Drew This isn't called the vaginal orifice, doesn't qualify as a vagina here.

18:23 Adam Armand?

18:24 Drew Look.

18:24 Yes, hello? I don't, look.

18:26 Drew It's not a vagina.

18:27 Adam I don't need to see a textbook to know what I know. I never let, I never let the man's words affect my thinking.

18:33 Drew I know that.

18:34 Adam Or force me to look at a map. Armand? Yes, sir. You're, yeah, I thought there's a Texas panhandle.

18:42 Drew It sounds like it should be.

18:45 Adam Go find the Texas panhandle on the show. You better hope there's no Texas panhandle. Armand?

18:50 Yes, sir.

18:51 Adam You're 19?

18:52 Caller Yes, sir.

18:53 Adam What's up?

18:54 Caller Basically, I got a Prince Albert and I made love. I know, it's kind of weird. I'm from Chicago also.

19:02 Drew Do you have any kids?

19:03 Caller Excuse me?

19:04 Drew Do you have any kids?

19:05 Caller No, no, sir, I'm actually a virgin.

19:08 Drew What?

19:08 Caller You're a virgin? Yes. Wow, smart.

19:12 Adam No, that's tactical. You know what I mean?

19:14 Drew You stay a virgin with the bar?

19:16 Adam Well, you know, yeah, people could go like, are you still a virgin? You go, I got a Prince Albert. And they would just leave you alone. You would never have to lie.

19:25 Caller I got a couple offers, but it kind of freaked me out. I'm not sure what's up with that.

19:29 Drew What do you mean?

19:30 Caller What do you mean you got freaked out? Once like the girl is into me, like it's kind of, I don't know if it's a turn off or it makes me feel weird or scared off.

19:44 Adam All right. What's up?

19:45 Drew Pretty intrusive mom.

19:48 Caller I haven't seen her ever since I was maybe two years old. You have a step mom? I had to do a step mom. Maybe I met her when I was four maybe.

19:59 Drew What's she like?

20:01 Caller She's all right, I guess. She's a little weird, a little off, but she has a pretty good heart.

20:07 Adam What are you doing? Are you going to college?

20:10 Caller Right now, I'm trying to go back to college for a paramedic. I'm an EMTB basic. I'm trying to go back for my paramedic in about a couple of months.

20:19 Adam You're not religious?

20:22 Caller Yeah, I've been an altar boy ever since I was like 10 years old.

20:25 Adam No, you are religious.

20:26 Caller Yeah, pretty religious.

20:27 Adam Do you want to wait till you're married before you are an altar boy?

20:30 Caller No, it's nothing like that at all. Nothing like that at all.

20:33 Drew What is it? So what is it then?

20:35 Caller I have to be honest with you. It's not like I think it's a sin or nothing. I'm a religious, but I'm not like one of those Bible thinkers.

20:43 Adam What is it? You don't need to know what it's not.

20:46 Caller I don't know. I just really feel kind of weird and turned off. I don't feel like yucky or disgusting, but I don't know how to describe it. It's kind of weird.

20:56 Adam All right.

20:56 Drew Yes, it is weird. Not a normal feeling.

20:58 Adam You like guys?

21:00 Caller Oh, no.

21:01 Drew He's gay.

21:02 Caller No.

21:02 Drew All right.

21:03 Adam Well, then, look, okay, here's what I want to say. Yummy phase. We've talked about this. Some guys are mature at 14, and some guys ain't into it at 20. At 25, no, 23, it's important. Yeah. At 19, 90 percent of guys are raring to go. There's a 10 percent that's weird. They're a little skittish. They're just these guys. I mean, they don't like-

21:29 Drew He's squirrely, but I think there's more of the squirreliness here. I think he's really genuinely has intimacy problems.

21:34 Adam Armin? So your mom, you feel like your mom abandoned the family. Yeah.

21:39 Drew What happened before she left? What was she like before she left?

21:44 Caller Be honest with you, I don't even remember what she looks like. I did a couple of pictures, but I don't even look at them.

21:49 Drew Do you know why she left?

21:51 Caller Don't want to know the story.

21:54 Drew Maybe you'll look at that a little bit.

21:55 Adam Armin? You sound like a smart guy. You're up in your head a lot. You got some weird energy, but you ain't dangerous. You're 19. Everything's cool. You need to just sort of focus on your EMT training. Don't get all freaked out about your virginal status and start trying to find a woman and just date her.

22:15 Drew Right. Just date somebody.

22:17 Adam But don't pour your allowance into your joint, into your underpants.

22:23 Caller Don't get all caught up in stuff.

22:25 Drew But also don't go for, you know, if he goes for somebody that he's not freaked out by, could be kind of, you know, who that's going to be.

22:31 Adam Get your training. Here's what 19 year old guys who aren't going to college need to do. Get your training, get your job, get out of the house, and then start because trying to get laid when you're living in the basement, and your stepmom's coming down with a hamper full of your soiled socks, and you're beating off into a poster of Christie Brinkley on the ceiling is no way to live. Get your money, get your job, get out. All right, now here's someone who says they live on the Texas Panhandle. Chris? What's up there, brother man? You live in the Texas Panhandle?

23:05 Caller I'm just south of the Texas Panhandle, actually.

23:08 Adam Yeah, there's a Texas Panhandle, right?

23:11 Drew And where is that? Is that where the Oklahoma Panhandle is?

23:15 Caller Amarillo's in the Panhandle.

23:17 Adam Yeah. How dare you, by the way. And by the way, see, Drew knows, I'm so bad at geography that I could say that, you know, Canada's to the north and Mexico's to the south. And if Drew said, no, it's the other way around, I'd go, oh, oh, you're right.

23:32 Drew I'll remind you. I'll remind you, I said, it sounds like there should be a Texas Panhandle.

23:36 Adam Yeah, after you chastised me, and put your crap all over my wonderful analogy.

23:41 Drew I said, like, there's the Oklahoma Panhandle. I know for sure there's that.

23:44 Adam Well, there is a Texas Panhandle.

23:46 Drew That's where the Clitoris is, an Oklahoma Panhandle.

23:48 Adam No, I said that, okay, you know what I said. How dare you? You don't mean apology.

23:52 Drew I'm sorry.

23:53 Adam Apologize.

23:53 Drew I'm sorry.

23:54 Caller I'm quite surprised by Adam's geography of Texas. Everyone's wondering when he's trying to belittle somebody by telling them that they're working in the Denny's and Odessa or Abilene or something like that. He's pretty spot on with some of the cities.

24:05 Adam Yeah, thanks, Chris.

24:06 Drew Abilene?

24:07 Adam You have a woodworking question?

24:08 Drew Have you ever said the word Abilene?

24:09 Adam Yeah, well I definitely said Odessa.

24:11 Drew Yeah, Odessa you've said.

24:12 Adam Chris?

24:13 Caller Yes, sir.

24:14 Adam Do you have a woodworking question?

24:15 Caller Well, I would just want to get your opinion on the use of biscuits. I've got some older guys live down the road from me that I've talked to about working every once in a while.

24:23 Adam They're down, man.

24:24 Caller Something like that.

24:26 Drew They've got a biscuit joiner.

24:27 Adam Plate joiner.

24:28 Caller They tell me to pile them up on my workbench and burn them. They say they ain't worth nothing, but I just want to see what you said about them.

24:33 Adam All right, well, what people don't know is a plate joiner and a biscuit joiner are the same thing. Biscuits come in different sizes, different little numbers like 10 through 20. They look like a flat football and they're a wafer. And in order to join two pieces of wood, they used to drill a hole with a drill bit and put a round dowel into it, just a round quarter inch wooden dowel. Now they have this thing that goes in, this little saw blade, makes a little smile in it and you slide the glue all over the biscuit. You've seen my biscuit joiner. Boring bit, multiple biscuit joiners. Put that in, you join it that way. It's stronger than the wood itself. I'm a huge fan of the biscuit joiner, Chris, and you tell those old timers to kiss your ass. They're just jealous. They're doing it the old fashioned way. Understand too, a lot of guys who work with wood do it so they don't have to go back into the house and they're not looking for faster ways to do anything because they got the old lady in the house.

25:29 Drew Right, they want to stay outside.

25:30 Adam They want to stay outside. So you come up with some technology that can get them back into the house with their kids and their family and they're angry.

25:37 Drew They're out chipping a flint trying to get a fire going.

25:39 Adam Yeah, trying to get a fire going. They got a water wheel instead of a power saw.

25:45 Drew Grinding the weed out in the back.

25:47 Adam Yeah, using like a bow and a stick to drill a hole. Sharp piece of tusk at the end of it. Yeah, otherwise you have to go back in the house. Go, guy's been working on the same like a hummingbird feeder for 14 years. Sure. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

26:13 Love Line is brought to you by the Sony Network Walkman player with up to 30 hours battery life.

26:31 Adam Get it on! This is my song. Picture the ace man, 70s retro shaft jacket, slung over shoulder, slow motion, hair bouncing in the winter. Every chick in the bar, just seeing the boots, like Travolta and Saturday Night Fever. Every chick in the bar just head turning simultaneously as I make my way to high five, the black guy looks cool because it keep moving, everyone looking, guys looking, bartender pointing and laughing. I flip him something. Yeah.

27:03 Drew All the girls turn.

27:04 Adam They'll turn.

27:05 Drew DOB changes.

27:06 Caller Yeah. But this is what the girls see.

27:10 Adam That's what they hear.

27:11 Caller Yeah.

27:11 Drew That's what they see.

27:20 Adam Yeah, get it on. It's Loveline. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Turns out, well, the panhandle is Oklahoma's panhandle, but there is a Texas panhandle.

27:38 Drew With the border, yeah.

27:40 Adam So I guess if you're up underneath the Oklahoma panhandle, you get to be, is that what it is?

27:47 Drew Yeah.

27:47 Adam You get to be on the Texas panhandle. I guess you're on the Texas side of the panhandle, making it the Texas panhandle.

27:54 Drew There you go.

27:56 Adam You ready to rock here, Drew?

27:57 Drew Yeah, ready.

27:58 Adam Why about a little Germany or Florida?

27:59 Drew Maybe first, then Germany or Florida.

28:00 Adam Think she has a hemorrhoid? She's blood when she was, come on.

28:03 Drew That's good times.

28:03 Adam No, that's Germany or Florida time. Adam? What's happening?

28:08 I don't know much. How are you guys doing?

28:10 Adam Doing good, brother. What's up?

28:11 All right. I have a Germany or Florida.

28:14 Adam Fantastic.

28:15 Caller Okay. A man was shocked to come home and find all this furniture destroyed in the ceiling and walls torn apart in his condo. According to police, his enraged girlfriend went berserk after discovering he was cheating on her. She then used the chains on his condo, destroying his possessions and part of his home. She was arrested after a note was found explaining her actions.

28:33 Adam What? Did you say the ceiling was destroyed?

28:37 Caller I guess with a chainsaw she had destroyed the walls.

28:41 Adam I'm hip, but you said the furniture and what was destroyed?

28:44 Caller The furniture, the ceiling and the walls.

28:46 Adam All right, the ceiling. Wow, that's a thorough gowl.

28:50 Drew Now let's reason this out a bit. First of all, very white trash. In Germany, I wouldn't imagine there be, I sort of imagine two kinds of buildings in Germany. German sort of bow house stuff, paper thin walls. You wouldn't even need a, if you hit a train saw, you'd cut through some body.

29:11 Adam I think like those IKEA cycloramas.

29:17 Drew Or like Neuschwanstein, like the huge timbers and giant castle, Germanic.

29:22 Adam Eagles nest.

29:23 Drew Yeah. And neither would be suitable for chainsaw.

29:26 Adam I don't think Kondo. Kondo doesn't sound German. Yeah, check chainsaw. We're going Florida.

29:31 Caller Hate to tell you Munich, Germany.

29:34 Drew Oh, no way.

29:35 Adam Wow.

29:35 Drew No way.

29:36 Adam Thanks, Adam. Thanks for nothing, punk. I have been pummeled by this Germany or Florida.

29:41 Drew I know we were so good for like 12, 14 in a row. We could kill that.

29:45 Adam I was, you know, a week ago, I was riding the crest of Germany and Florida victory to victory.

29:53 Drew You were the Yankees of.

29:55 Adam They just couldn't be stopped and all of a sudden, pow, dethroned. I've been 0 for 3, I think. Oh no, no, wait, I think I got one back. I'm only like 1 for 4 or something like that. Drew's maybe 2 for 4. Why, I just have to reevaluate everything. All right, I'm done.

30:15 Drew That's hard to believe that was Germany, but there you go.

30:16 Adam Well, you know what I'm starting to think now? I'm starting to think the kids are getting smart and they're intentionally giving us ones that smack Florida.

30:24 Drew That's the game.

30:24 Adam That is the game.

30:25 Drew That's the game. We just got to hone our game.

30:27 Adam All right, we got to sharpen up. Let's work on it this weekend.

30:30 Drew You just refer to our callers as smart. I've never ever heard that. Well, our Germany or Florida callers. That's cool to be fair.

30:35 Adam That's a different breed. Amy? See, now we're back to our dumb callers.

30:42 Drew Go ahead, Amy.

30:42 Adam You're 23?

30:43 Caller No, yeah.

30:44 Adam What's up?

30:47 Caller I just actually wanted to know about hemorrhoids. I want to know, can I kind of describe what I had and know if that's what I have and is that something that will just go away?

30:57 Drew Well, how do I know if that's something? Well, you haven't told us anything about what you have.

31:00 Caller Hemorrhoids.

31:02 Drew You have a hemorrhoid. You know that's what you have.

31:04 Caller No, I don't know what I have. That's what I have, but I'm pretty sure. I mean, there's like a bump down there and it like comes out at certain times and it'll go away.

31:14 Drew Does it hurt?

31:15 Adam Is that a hemorrhoid?

31:16 Drew Does it hurt?

31:17 Caller It hurts. Like when it's fired up or whatever, it hurts.

31:20 Drew Does it bleed?

31:21 Caller When I use the restroom, it does bleed.

31:23 Drew Well, it's probably a hemorrhoid. The problem with blood in the stool or even on the toilet paper, you really can't tell what it is until you go and look. And so somebody has to go check it out to make sure that's what it is because there can be problems with your blood clotting system. There can be polyps and tumors and fissures and all kinds of things.

31:39 Caller Well, I mean, like there's like a little, I mean, there is a bump of skin there.

31:43 Drew No, Amy, you don't know what it is because you can't get down there and look at it.

31:45 Adam But we're going to go hemorrhoid.

31:46 Drew It's probably a hemorrhoid.

31:47 Adam What should she do?

31:48 Drew Hot compresses, Preparation H, Anusol, Hot Towels, Thyme.

31:52 Adam I thought Anusol was for like toothaches.

31:56 Drew Anus, Anusol. Anusol.

31:58 Adam Oh my God. I wonder why it tastes so bad.

32:00 Drew Yeah, that's good.

32:00 Adam It tastes like pure ass. I'm like, wow, this stuff better be good. Because it's like someone crapped in my mouth. Nothing, huh?

32:10 Drew Anusol.

32:10 Adam Anusol. Wow. Why do that? Really? You have to do that?

32:16 Drew Do what?

32:16 Adam You got to put the word anus right in your medication?

32:19 Drew So people won't brush with it. Yeah. Yeah.

32:22 Adam Not everyone.

32:23 Drew Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Even with the name anus in the name of the product.

32:27 Adam Well, what's the stuff you put on your, what's the stuff you put on your toothache?

32:32 Drew Anusol.

32:33 Adam All right. So that doesn't go in your abdomen. So I put a little anus, put a little anus sauce in my mouth. That's fine. Toothache went away. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. I put some crest up my ass and went to bed. No, I had, I've never had a hemorrhoid. I did have my jackass friend Ray talk me into having a hemorrhoid.

33:02 Drew Oh, that was your, that was your car.

33:03 Adam That was my carbuncle. And he was like, you better, you better get some anusol. You better, you better get some preparation age. I don't remember at the time. And by the way, here's how you know you're a loser. You're 30. Yes, I am 30 at the time. I remember where I was. And I remember the celebration I had. Jimmy and I went out and ate Mexican, we ate like 40 pounds of Mexican food. No, that was after. That was in celebration. Da da.

33:28 Drew For releasing the carbuncle?

33:30 Adam That's right.

33:30 Drew Oh yeah, that's right.

33:32 Adam My buddy, my buddy Ray had me convinced it was a hemorrhoid. And really what it was is a giant zit. And so his first thing-

33:40 Drew It's a huge abscess, a peri-rectal abscess really.

33:43 Adam It's bad times is what it is. It is exquisite pain. You're talking to a guy, look, I've had my shoulder dislocated on a football field. It's about the same pain, except for people are laughing. And Ray first says, you've got to push it back up there with your finger. So I'm like, all right, let me. It's like, oh my God, it's crazy nutty pain.

34:05 Drew Yeah, people don't realize it. And when the area gets irritated, you don't realize you're winking every time you breathe. You know, your anus winks a lot.

34:13 Adam It's like it's that way. Like when you crack a rib, you don't understand, you know, how you don't know how often you cough or sneeze or laugh or whatever. Your your anus is connected to everything. You don't raise your f**k. Oh, get my f out of there.

34:27 Caller Would you understand?

34:31 Adam I got angry about it.

34:32 Drew You don't raise your eyelids.

34:33 Adam I didn't get the whole f word out. But the point is, I'm a man of passion.

34:37 Drew About your anus, that's your passion.

34:39 Adam You do not raise an eyelid without feeling some stress down there.

34:43 Drew Yes, I'm winking.

34:43 Adam So I tried to push it in. It didn't work. So he said, go get some preparation age. I went to the market. It was like six eighty five.

34:50 Drew You walk because you walk.

34:52 Adam I used to I used to lark one of those you know, wheelchairs.

34:55 Drew Yeah, but you're standing up.

34:57 Adam I was carried to the market. Then once I got in, I used to motorize one. Yeah, because it would scrape the other cheek. That's why it was brutal. And so I got the I got that preparation age. And I remember like I said, here's how you know you're a loser. You're 30 years old. Your your ass felt like it's been shot with a musket ball. And you're looking at something you're going to do. It's almost six dollars. Yeah. Does it come in a smaller size? I guess there's some sort of vending machine that has preparation age. Where you just get a handful. I'll bring like a wet nap and into it. And I'll just carry it home in my hand because I don't need a whole tube. Wow. Or maybe I can buddy up with someone. Anyone else buying Preparation Age? How about we go in the parking lot? Just give me a little just give me a little rope. Give me a little rope. What's that? 80 cents. This is going to be nice. So, well, listen, buddy, I'm not going to rub it on your ass. I'm legit. Just give me a little rope of that stuff. What do you say? I'm just saying four dollars. You know, I'm going to have to think about. So anyway, now I'm rubbing the Preparation H on my carbuncle for three days and I'm in a exquisite, exquisite pain, exquisite pain. It's not going away.

36:07 Drew Then you went into operation mode.

36:09 Adam And that's what I said. It was like a raid on in Tebby. I said, we're going in. We don't negotiate anymore.

36:16 Drew Then you were Thomas Edison.

36:17 Adam We're going in.

36:17 Drew Mirrors and lighting services.

36:19 Adam Well, it is hard to find that part of your body with your eye. Your eye can't find that part of your body. You know what I mean?

36:26 Drew Right. Your face can't find the part.

36:27 Adam I didn't have a doctor. I didn't know anybody. And here's the other thing, too.

36:30 Drew Oh, you let Ray do it?

36:31 Adam Piss poor. And you have no no insurance or anything. You may know somebody like knows a doctor, but there's like a friend. So it's like and it's a chick. You know what it was? It was Mary Coffee.

36:42 Drew Oh, yeah. Oh, she would have been good.

36:44 Caller Yeah.

36:44 Adam But this is this is this.

36:45 Drew She's an ER doctor, though.

36:47 Caller This is good.

36:47 Adam Dude, I knows old lady going to be spreading my cheeks.

36:50 Drew She has stuff like that all day. I worked with her for years.

36:52 Adam I've been out to dinner and stuff with her. It's weird. No, I wasn't going to get into that with her. So that's the only person I knew.

37:00 Drew She would not have done to you what you did yourself.

37:02 Adam Well, I'll tell you what I did. So I got I had a full length mirror and I got my pants down and I got myself positioned, but I couldn't. I couldn't see it. So I took a flashlight and I bounced it off the mirror and bounced it into the Tokai area. And that's when I saw the culprit. And as I was peeking, it was. It was and it was in a little snow camp on it. Looked like the Matterhorn. And right as I was right as I started, it was smoldering. And right as I started to add a bunch of reporters set up on my balls, they thought they're out of harm's way. Satellite truck. So right as I started to go for it, it just blew. You didn't even know. I was getting ready to do some piercing and some prodding. My idiot buddy Rayad convinced me it was Roy. So I didn't know what to do. And I was checking it out and I was bouncing the flashlight off the mirror. You know, that's how the Egyptians, that's how they theorize the Egyptians got light into the pyramids. Same way.

38:04 Drew That's right.

38:04 Adam Two thousand years later, huh?

38:06 Drew You figured it out spontaneously.

38:07 Adam That's right.

38:08 Drew And what happened?

38:09 Adam And it blew and it blew and it was just like, and then it looked like the end of a gay-born film. It's like, oh, my God, someone just finished on me. It was horrible. I was and then and then and I was like, oh, and I and I stood up. And it was like that scene from Tommy, where where Roger Daltrey can see again. Like I'm free. Started playing. I'm running down the street. Cut to me on the mountaintop doing this. Cut to me on an amusement park roller coaster. Cut to me rolling on the beach with a beautiful woman making out, hitting a grand slam, you know, work anymore out of there. No, it was just it was just I was running around and I'd been hobbled for like four or five excretion excruciating days. And I mean, I got on the phone with Jimmy. I said, we're going to El Torino. We're going to do a Mexican. And we went out some place in Glendale. I had a coupon. We like 70 pounds of Mexican food.

39:07 Caller That's good. Yeah, that's good.

39:10 Adam And it's not that it's not reared its ugly head yet. Don't worry, Drew, if it does again, I know you come calling. That's right.

39:17 Caller All right.

39:17 Adam We'll take a little break. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. We'll be right back after this.

39:24 Hello. 1-800-LOVE-191.

39:45 Adam Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline of Adam. Ron Jeremy's gonna be in here tomorrow night. Chrissy Canyon, in here with him. Maybe there's some sort of, I don't know, old timers throwback porn tour or something.

40:01 Drew 50th anniversary tour.

40:03 Adam Yeah, Ron's great, because he's got a wonderful sense of humor. He's the only Jew in porn, and he can't stop telling schmaltzy jokes. And we've talked about this many times, Drew. Jew trumps everything in the Cornball Joke Department. You could be president, Jewish general would be up there addressing the Joint Chiefs of Staff and starting with a bad joke. I don't know what it is about being a Jew we have to make bad jokes, but Jewish porn stars make bad jokes.

40:33 Drew I remember the first time I met Ron Jeremy said, do you know what a guy with a big nine inch penis has for breakfast? You've done that one, do you?

40:40 Adam No.

40:41 Drew That's his opening thing.

40:42 Caller Right.

40:42 Drew Do you know what a guy with a nine inch penis has? And he goes, well, I had eggs, bacon.

40:46 Caller Oh, right, right.

40:47 Adam Oh yeah, he did that one to me. What is that? This is why I can't stand going to Jewish weddings because the rabbis do, but they do about 10 minutes of service, about 40 minutes of material. What is that, Drew?

41:03 Drew It's bad instincts.

41:04 Adam It is?

41:05 Drew Yeah.

41:05 Adam It's good instincts to want to laugh and to be funny. Yeah.

41:10 Drew Yeah.

41:11 Adam But bad to make the wedding about you doing a routine. Right?

41:15 Drew Yeah. Well, there's a long history in Judaism about dealing with adversity through humor. And so there's the great, and a lot of so-called great comedians are humorists.

41:25 Adam So they've had a lot of adversity.

41:27 Drew And therefore, it's a badge of valor, sort of a distinction to be able to distinguish yourself through the use of humor.

41:33 Adam Well, let's be funny.

41:33 Drew However, it's decayed over the years.

41:35 Adam Yeah, you gotta be funny. Okay, we got porn stars telling schvanz jokes. I'm just saying. Thomas?

41:44 Yeah, yeah.

41:46 Adam You're 25?

41:47 Caller Yeah.

41:48 Adam What's up?

41:50 Caller Well, my girlfriend and I had a great, you know, sex life and everything. And then it was a long distance relationship. And then she moved to my city. And since it's been very sparse and...

42:05 Drew Give us more detail. Where did she live before?

42:08 Caller She lived like three and a half hours away.

42:10 Drew And why did she move closer?

42:13 Caller To be with me, actually.

42:14 Drew How long ago did this happen?

42:15 Caller Well, she actually got a job too, which, you know, there weren't any jobs in her town, so.

42:20 Drew How long ago did she move closer?

42:22 Caller Like three months ago.

42:24 Drew And has the relationship been going okay since she moved closer?

42:27 Caller It's been fine. I mean, like we actually get to see each other twice as much, you know.

42:31 Drew I understand you're seeing each other more, but sometimes that tends to diminish the idealizing quality of a relationship. When you're apart, you can sort of, you know, they say the distance makes the heart grow fonder. That's because you can sort of ruminate about who this person is and build them into a prince charming when, in fact, you're living with him and the toilet paper's on backwards and his toothbrush doesn't, the toothpaste is on the cap on and it's suddenly the bloom is off the rose. And then also what follows or what sometimes proceeds is the sex drive goes down.

43:01 Caller Well, she actually just, I can't explain it. You know, we don't live together. You know, I spent a decent amount of time there. You know, I spent a couple nights there a week and, you know, it just kind of has disappeared and.

43:16 Adam Yeah, all right. Well, look, maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe it's winding down.

43:20 Drew As the reality of the relationship is sort of pressed by proximity, you're able now to have a real relationship. The reality doesn't live up to the fantasy.

43:28 Adam Well, look, you can see anybody, you know, five times a year. That can go on for 40 years. You know what I'm saying?

43:38 Drew Children of parents who, you know, ran off or abandoned them, build tremendous fantasies about who the people actually were. They were a heroin addict, but in their mind, there was a.

43:48 Adam Right.

43:48 Drew You know, a prince.

43:50 Adam He's calling from Detroit, by the way. I read a study in the newspaper yesterday. I was one of those USA snapshots. I just had a lot of colors. Couldn't actually read it to me. But here's the point. They said the best cities for sleeping, worst cities for sleeping. Minneapolis, best city, best Detroit, worst for sleeping. Yeah. For sleeping.

44:15 Caller Why?

44:16 Adam They just what they did is they would talk to a bunch of people, live there, and they would ask them, you know, how many nights out of the month do you have like a sleepless night or a bad night or what time you go to bed or whatever. And it turns out all the people, it's about happiness too. The happy people sleep.

44:31 Caller Right.

44:32 Adam There you go.

44:33 Drew Minneapolis is a pretty happy town.

44:34 Caller Yeah.

44:34 Adam I'm thinking about moving now. I'd like to be the mayor of Sleepyville.

44:37 Drew You wouldn't fit in there.

44:39 Adam Do everything in my pajamas.

44:41 Drew You feel more comfortable in Detroit.

44:42 Adam Have my huggy blanket, glass of warm milk. Be awesome. I like the start of town for people like sleeping. Snoozeberg.

44:52 Drew Yeah.

44:52 Adam You know, people get angry if you called before noon. People wake up about noon, take a nap at 2.30. Yeah.

45:00 Drew I think there is a place like that.

45:02 Adam Mexico? Okay. Wait a minute. Engineer Michelle's got some Mexican in her. How dare you, Drew?

45:08 Drew I didn't say Mexican American.

45:09 Adam It's just good to sleep there. Yeah, it's a good sleeping place. Hey, they're happy. That's what we're talking about. Angelina? You're 18?

45:17 Caller Yes.

45:18 Adam What's up?

45:21 Caller I've been with my boyfriend for the last nine months. And ever since I met him and ever since we've been together, I've seen other people.

45:32 Adam You mean you have sex with other people?

45:36 Caller No, I haven't had sex with other people, but I've messed around with other people. I haven't had like sexual intercourse type of sex, but I've had other forms of sex.

45:46 Drew Wow, that little discussion decayed quickly. You know, I don't mess around with other people. Well, I mess around, but I don't have intercourse. Well, I have sex with them, but I don't actually put them. I don't actually have the penis in them. I've got everything else I do.

45:59 Adam Wait a minute. Did you have oral sex?

46:02 Caller Yeah, I've had oral sex.

46:06 Adam Both ways, you on them and them on you? You've done it to them and they've done it to you?

46:13 Caller No, they've mainly done it to me. And it's been like two different people. And they're the guys that I've kissed. There's two different people that have done it to me. And then like the people that I've met that I've kissed and just basically like messed around.

46:27 Adam And they did it to you, but you didn't do it back to them.

46:30 Caller No.

46:31 Adam You know what that move is, by the way, as a guy, when you do it to them? It's the guy who does that thing where he's going to paint your address on your curb. He's like, no, no, no, no charge. I'm just I'm going to do it. But if you like my work, I'll leave an envelope. And it's like you're going there. That's what that is. Like, oh, come on, you son of a bitch. I painted the goddamn nothing. Really? That's when guys do that. When they're like, look, maybe I just want to bring in.

46:58 Drew I know when guys do that, they're paying homage.

47:01 Adam Yeah, it's a it's a hot chick. But it's also you're also you're hoping that there's something in the envelope when you come back the next day. Right. Let's take a little break. I want to get back with Angelina. I think she's a hot chick. She's calling from Fresno. Maybe it's big fish, small pond kind of thing. We'll take ourselves a break. And we've got to get a radio in here because there's something called Ace's Accordion Countdown. I've been wanting to play on the show for a long time. I'm going to work this out. We'll take a quick break. We'll launch a new game after this. Drew, man, what are we?

47:37 Caller The one and only Live 105.

48:02 Adam Hey, everybody, Loveline and Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1-er. All right, we got the radio in here to play Ace's accordion countdown game. We gotta work out a few bugs. It was a last minute call. So I think in the next break, we're gonna figure that out, and then we'll come back with a game that I believe, and we're gonna go out on a limb here.

48:26 Drew Could surpass Germany or Florida.

48:27 Adam Bigger than Germany or Florida. Wow, huge, huge. Okay. So you know those gauges in your car that tell you how many miles you have left before you run out of gas? Not the gas gauge, the little digital readout. It seems like a godsend, except for you can't trust them because I started my car up, I was in my driveway, I was at 50 miles and I thought, okay, that's enough to get there and back. And before I got out of my driveway, I was at 45. So I actually dropped five miles in about 18 feet. And I thought, well, that's bad. So now I'm at 45. Now I'm not sure if I can make it there and back. That's all right, 20 miles later when I got here, I was at 51. And the thing is, is like, they're like, well, see, that's not how much gas, what that does is factor in your actual driving habits and then make a prediction. How about something that just told you how much you got left?

49:23 Drew Just the volume.

49:23 Adam Just it. Look, here's what you got. Car gets 20 miles a gallon. You got a gallon left. You got 20 miles. There you go. Other ones I like too are the ones that, ooh, I got 18 miles, uh-oh, flat line. Hello? This is where I need you, baby. I don't need you between 357 and 361. I need you now. Now's when I need you. I don't like the flat line at 14. Yeah, I would like to see you go down to one. And then people are like, well, yeah, you're driving, you're steering, you're moving, but we can figure this one out. Gas is in there, you make the gas tanks in such a way where it's a little bit of a funnel shape at the bottom. It's got a little pickup at the bottom. You work this one out. I would pay an extra grand for a car where they went, look, when this thing, is it two?

50:14 Drew That's what you got.

50:15 Adam Yeah, two, you got 1,100 feet. That's how much, it's down to the foot. And when it gets to zero, you're done. You understand?

50:22 Drew Zero is zero.

50:23 Adam Zero means zero. That's how it is. And it gets down into tenths too. And then inches and then like microns. I just wish, if I knew that 30 was 30, I'd be cool. If I knew that 30 was between 25 and 35, I'd be cool. The idea that I've actually put gas in my tank, according to this thing driving to work in a rainstorm, doesn't feel right to me. Makes me question the whole thing. All right, let's work that one out, yes?

50:51 Drew I'm with you. Oh, we lost Anna, whatever her name was.

50:54 Adam And let's invent a microwave that you can put all the metal stuff in. All the foil in.

51:00 Drew I know that's your big-

51:01 Adam Here's my next thing. Here's my next thing with the microwave. You ready? The next, next microwave thing. One where you can put like a sandwich in, like a burger or something.

51:10 Drew And then bread.

51:11 Adam Focuses on the meat. Gets the meat hot. It doesn't hit the tomato. Stays away from the tomato and the lettuce and the onion. There's nothing worse than we have to take something apart to put it in the microwave. Ah, here's another one. Sometimes you go, you get a little, you get a little like Japanese takeout. You get a little tempura thing. You get a little, little teriyaki bowl or whatever. But it's got the salad in there too. And what do you do? Dig the salad out? You're always too lazy. You're like, yeah, but the rice is getting hard. I'm gonna give it a shot in the microwave. Then you get a little steam coming off the lettuce and it's bad. How about a microwave, how about a smart microwave? How about a smart grow wave that knows, aha, the ace man wants his chicken hit, but he wants me to stay the f away from the iceberg lettuce. I'm gonna focus on the chicken.

51:56 Drew It's awesome. Maybe something about the molecules in me that can be focused in on.

52:01 Adam Hey, we can put a man on the moon. It's not that big a deal. The microwave's been around for 40 years now. I'm really, you know, other than taking the picture of the burrito off it.

52:10 Drew Maybe the big deal is the physical properties of what these things are. It sounds like not a big deal.

52:14 Adam Here's what I, here's my feeling. I feel like we're working too hard on certain things like everyone comes out with a different bottle opener, every, you know, the corkscrew or something every 20 minutes. We got that. That's fine. That works fine. We got one. It works great. Let's focus on something else.

52:29 Drew You know, it's interesting. I was reading an article about technologies and they were saying that by the time a technology becomes part of our life, it's actually been around for 20 years. It takes about 20 years to get things into the people's houses.

52:40 Adam You talking about the Corolla? No, you're talking about the Corolla, it's about 80 years.

52:45 Drew It doesn't actually answer. If it answers the Corolla house, there's an alarm that goes off. Somebody has to look into it.

52:50 Adam Yeah, yes or no. Does my mom have a DVD player?

52:53 Drew No, no, are you kidding?

52:56 Adam I told her, I should have known, like I was like, my mom was pissed because I didn't tell her I was doing the CBS show. So she gets angry when I don't tell her. So she was angry. She was like, I want to see that. And I said, you know, my buddy Don, he said he got it on his thing and he's got a computer. She's going to burn a DVD. So I'll get you a DVD. Oh, we don't have that. Oh, really? No. And then I thought to myself, who are you talking to? Bill Gates? You kidding? Then I was like, well, use the Tiva. Ah, no, no, no, you understand cables. It's a very new thing. Very new thing.

53:32 Drew She have VCR?

53:33 Adam Oh, yes, yes. Got one because now people, now they're starting to turn over. People are throwing them away, yeah. She got them at the, she got them at the garage sale. Yeah, everything. Listen, my mom would buy syringe at a garage sale. Do you understand? She would buy contact lenses and like saline solution at a garage sale. She would buy Q-tips at a garage sale. There's glasses, forks, flatware. Oh, you kidding? I probably use a, I probably grew up using a fork that someone stabbed their wife with. Right. You understand? Hepatitis fork. That's what I use. My wife, my stupid sister was drinking out of a urine sample container and my mom bought it, didn't it? Please. Are you kidding? And Drew, again, the rule, cause you know, it's the game operation. It's a 39th birthday. The guy from operation, 39 years old today. And again, we're gonna use the rule. Did the ace man have operation growing up? What's the rule?

54:27 Drew If he needed batteries?

54:29 Adam Then that's how you know, that's how you know. Or plug in.

54:32 Drew Yeah, when you're letting energy source.

54:34 Adam That's right. Did I have a football with no threads?

54:38 Drew With no threads.

54:39 Adam With no threads.

54:40 Drew That's a trick question.

54:41 Adam No, just answer it.

54:42 Drew No.

54:44 Adam Of course, I had a football with no threads.

54:46 Drew I thought.

54:47 Adam It doesn't take batteries and it doesn't plug in.

54:49 Drew Oh, I see.

54:50 Adam And I found it.

54:51 Drew Got it, got it, got it.

54:52 Adam Yeah, that's how you know.

54:53 Drew I see.

54:54 Adam But if it takes batteries.

54:55 Drew Impossible.

54:56 Adam Impossible. Battleship?

54:59 Drew Battleship.

55:00 Adam Well, the electronic battleship.

55:02 Drew But the real one, yes. The old one.

55:04 Adam More than eight pieces, no.

55:05 Drew Because it was a garage sale.

55:07 Adam It took stuff, yeah. Alicia? That's always good. Like, yeah, then you get the games secondhand at the garage sale, but you're missing an aircraft carrier and a destroyer, so you got like a cigarette butt and a bird turd, half a melted crayon and a cigarette butt. Yeah, that's the Arizona. That's great.

55:27 Drew You suck my bird turd.

55:28 Adam There's nothing worse than getting the games. First off, games smell funny at a garage sale. I don't know what a game starts smelling weird, but they get old and they start smelling weird. They get moldy. They smell like old people, like games. I don't know what that is.

55:43 Drew You're not sitting in a closet, a wet, moist closet.

55:46 Adam That's not a moist closet. It's just a closet, but they start smelling weird.

55:50 Drew But the kind of person that would save the game long enough and then sell it at a garage sale.

55:55 Adam Yeah.

55:55 Drew That's the one that smells.

55:56 Adam And it's not all games. So the game smells of death and it's always missing a couple of pieces. And so you can sort of use it, but not really because there's a couple of good pieces that are missing and it's got the stink of some other kid who didn't want it on it, you know. And it does smell old and weird and like old death.

56:11 Drew What did you say about the guy's 39, the operation?

56:14 Adam Operation guy.

56:15 Drew What?

56:15 Adam 39.

56:15 Drew What do you mean?

56:17 Adam The caricature or the character in operation.

56:20 Drew The game is 39 years old.

56:22 Adam It's 39.

56:23 Drew I see.

56:23 Adam Well, yeah, he turns 39, which means the game is 39. Ready to go?

56:28 Drew Yeah.

56:29 Adam Alicia?

56:30 Yeah, hi.

56:31 Adam You're 18?

56:32 Caller Yeah.

56:33 Adam What's up?

56:34 Caller Okay, well, I was thinking about going on birth control, but I take a lot of medication. So I was wondering if it had adverse effects. What medication? Afexer, Lamyctal, and Adderall, and Trazodone.

56:51 Drew Okay, so you're bipolar?

56:53 Caller No, I'm clinically depressed.

56:55 Drew Lamyctal is a mood stabilizer.

56:57 Caller I know, I have epilepsy, and they also work as anticonvulsants as well.

57:03 Adam So you've become a doctor.

57:06 Drew You have seizures?

57:09 Caller Yeah.

57:11 Drew You've had generalized seizures?

57:12 Caller I actually haven't had one in over a year, or almost a year.

57:15 Drew What is the cause of your seizures?

57:18 Caller Nobody knows. No one was sure. They just put me on meds as soon as I had one, and they figured out what it was.

57:25 Drew Hmm. And they didn't use the term fictitious seizures.

57:28 Caller Uh-oh. I don't think so.

57:31 Drew Okay. All right. Those are generally medications you can take for birth control pill with. So you said Effexor, Lamictal, Trazodone, and what was the last one?

57:39 Caller Adderall.

57:40 Drew Adderall. So Adderall is the ADD medicine. Are you being treated for ADD?

57:45 Caller Yeah.

57:47 Adam What's going on? How about a little classical music and some pushups? You know what I'm saying?

57:54 Drew I saw that Big Loser show tonight. Liked it. Wanted to go work out at nine o'clock at night.

57:59 Adam Nice, crazy. Not quite. Alicia?

58:01 Caller Yeah.

58:02 Adam What about it? How about a nice jog? How about she gets like an iPod and you put some classical on. You take a nice five mile jog every morning.

58:12 Caller I don't think I'd have the attention span for it.

58:16 Drew You can't run?

58:17 Adam A hamster can run on a wheel for half an hour.

58:19 Drew You wouldn't have the attention span to run?

58:23 Caller No, I mean, I don't know. I don't like repetition. So if I ran, I wouldn't have a routine. I'd run.

58:29 Adam Well, so, oh, Drew, can she take birth control? Yes. Okay, yes. Here's what I want to say to everybody. I know it sounds preachy, but I really think that you can, half of exercise is breaking yourself. Like part of it is getting your body into shape. And the other part is breaking your will, forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do. Sort of, yeah, yeah. She's a little nutty.

58:54 Drew That was a bizarre answer. My ADD prevents me from repeating things like moving my legs one time after another.

59:01 Adam It's kind of what my problem is with everybody getting on, basically taking a medicine cabinet or the pills every morning and then using that as a reason why they can't do stuff.

59:12 Drew It makes you chronically ill. But some people are chronically ill.

59:16 Adam Here's the thing. I don't think you know the difference. Once you get diagnosed with something, once someone says, well, this is why you can't read, sweetie pea, and this is why you can't exercise, sweetie pea, and here's why you need these pills, sweetie pea, I just think you just become that person eventually.

59:29 Drew Well, you can become chronically sort of in the system as a result of that. You can sort of throw yourself in, become passively sort of a passenger in the treatment process rather than something active.

59:41 Adam Become like a twig in a stream.

59:42 Drew Alicia?

59:45 Caller Yeah?

59:45 Drew Yeah.

59:46 Adam How about some exercise?

59:48 Caller I do work out actually, but I don't work out like a certain amount of times every day, but I do.

59:55 Adam What do you do?

59:59 Caller I actually do run and I go to the gym. All right. Not like a regular time because I'm really busy.

1:00:06 Drew What are you doing? What are you studying?

1:00:13 Adam New college. Whittier College?

1:00:16 Caller Just junior college near my house.

1:00:18 Adam Now listen, that shouldn't keep you busy.

1:00:20 Caller No, it's not. A lot of other things are though.

1:00:23 Drew Like what?

1:00:24 Adam Junior college.

1:00:28 Caller Just I have a very hectic life.

1:00:32 Drew Like what? Wait, wait, because Alicia is so full of double talk, it's amazing.

1:00:36 Adam Yeah.

1:00:37 Drew And not a single straight answer from Alicia.

1:00:39 Adam It's super boring double talk. Well, the first is I'm busy because I'm going to college. And sometimes I'm going to junior college and it's not really doing anything. What are you doing? You have a small business you're running, Alicia? You're skippering. Baseball team. What's going on?

1:00:55 Caller Well, let's see.

1:00:57 Drew Were you just horribly abused growing up or something?

1:01:01 Caller No, no.

1:01:02 Drew Why can't you trust people enough even to give them a straight answer?

1:01:05 Caller I don't trust people very easily.

1:01:09 Drew I understand that. But that's because you...

1:01:11 Adam But how about people who don't care? All right.

1:01:16 Drew Where did it happen?

1:01:19 Caller Nothing really specifically happened.

1:01:23 Drew It's just oblique. Everything's oblique. Oblique, oblique.

1:01:26 Adam Done playing handball against the Drapes.

1:01:28 Drew It's not because of anything that happened at home. Oh, whatever. Well, it's not specifically anything about the site.

1:01:33 Adam Listen, we're all God's kids. And everyone lands on their feet. And there's plenty more where that came from. So we're fine. We just keep moving. Everyone's fine. Take the meds. Do whatever you want. That's fine. All right, Drew, what were we talking about?

1:01:47 Drew We had good times.

1:01:47 Adam Yeah, but good times. That's what I got to say.

1:01:49 Drew Accordion.

1:01:50 Adam Oh, yeah. We're going to do our accordion countdown next break. Brittany? You're 17? What's up?

1:02:03 Caller And I was wondering if that's okay or I shouldn't be doing it.

1:02:07 Drew That's the answer.

1:02:09 Adam Yes, you two should get married and have hundreds of kids.

1:02:14 Drew He's not old enough.

1:02:15 Adam It's going on forever.

1:02:16 Drew He needs to be 47.

1:02:17 Adam Yeah. Yeah, he's still wet behind the ears. I can't believe you're going out with a greenhorn. Talk about cradle robber.

1:02:24 Drew How dare you?

1:02:25 Adam Yeah. What kind of fuck? Oh, okay. Well, what does, you're 17.

1:02:33 Drew He's a criminal.

1:02:34 Adam What is? Well, not necessarily.

1:02:35 Drew Yes. Yes.

1:02:36 Adam Yes. Yes.

1:02:37 Drew He's having sex with her.

1:02:38 Adam Is he having sex with you? But really, I don't know what the age of consent is.

1:02:43 Drew It's not eight. It's LA. It's 18. And three years. He's 27.

1:02:48 Adam What's he do for a living?

1:02:54 Caller All right.

1:02:54 Adam What kind of business? Some form of construction? Jewelry business.

1:03:04 Caller What does that mean?

1:03:07 Adam Jewelry.

1:03:09 Drew You see one of those guys on the street that...

1:03:13 Adam He slides his overcoat up. He's got 19 watches.

1:03:16 Drew He has a bunch of fake Rolexes and things.

1:03:20 Caller No.

1:03:21 Adam What's he do?

1:03:23 Caller He has his own business. He has money.

1:03:28 Drew What does he do?

1:03:30 Caller He has his own business.

1:03:32 Adam He sells jewelry. He's got a jewelry business.

1:03:34 Drew He has a jewelry store?

1:03:35 Caller I believe so. I've never been there though.

1:03:40 Adam I'm sure it's sprawling. I'm sure it's the Taj Mahal of jewelry stores. Picture... Picture... Picture Monaco. Bustling streets of Monaco.

1:03:52 Drew I'm picturing the carts I've seen in Costa Rica.

1:03:56 Adam I bet he sells jewelry and the hot dogs with the bacon wrapped around. Got the propane tank, modified shopping cart. Jewelry and hot dogs. Yeah. Alright. So fantastic. Where did you meet this guy, Brittany?

1:04:10 Caller My job.

1:04:12 Drew What kind of work did you do?

1:04:14 Caller My cashier at a restaurant.

1:04:17 Adam Oh, okay. So he picked you up over there. And are you using protection when you have sex with him?

1:04:23 Caller Yes.

1:04:24 Adam You are? Alright. And what's the question?

1:04:29 Caller Should I be going out with him or not?

1:04:32 Drew No.

1:04:32 Adam No.

1:04:32 Drew No.

1:04:33 Adam Too big a age difference for you two. You need a nice 14 year old.

1:04:39 Caller Alright.

1:04:40 Adam Make it 10.

1:04:41 Drew 19 would be okay.

1:04:42 Adam Yeah, 19. How about 19? Yeah, I don't trust this guy.

1:04:45 Drew He's a criminal.

1:04:46 Adam He's just picking you up. Seeing you behind the counter with your little orange Denny's apron on.

1:04:53 Drew Giving you a crazy story about a jewelry store that magically you never get to see.

1:04:58 Adam Probably just using you to get like a deal on the Root and Tootie, Fish and Fruity. Yeah. Next thing you know, he's going to be asking you to smuggle out one of those syrup go rounds.

1:05:10 Caller Oh yeah.

1:05:11 Adam Yeah.

1:05:12 Caller Alright baby doll.

1:05:13 Adam I don't trust this guy. That I think you're right. You never been to his house or anything? What kind of car does he drive? Mercedes. Yeah. But it's like an 84, right? It's diesel. No. Alright. Alright. Alright. I, I, here's the whole thing. Uh, do you, do you, you're looking for someone to sort of save you, you know, from your life? You don't want, you don't need to be rescued. Nope.

1:05:41 Drew So you don't need this guy, right?

1:05:42 Adam You're doing alright. You're going, are you going to high school?

1:05:44 Caller Um, I'm in college right now.

1:05:47 Drew Where are you in college?

1:05:47 Adam Hold on a second. Oh, where? Oh, Bryman. I was going to go Mills or maybe Brown, but, uh, you're saying Bryman, alright. Brittany?

1:05:58 Caller Uh-huh.

1:05:59 Adam Which college?

1:06:01 Caller I'm going to community college.

1:06:03 Adam Community. Which one? Please, please. Let's, hold on.

1:06:06 Drew I'm shocked.

1:06:07 Adam Everyone, please, it's junior college. Community gives it some sort of dignity.

1:06:13 Drew Yes, yes.

1:06:14 Adam Uh, it's, it's if you're supporting your local college.

1:06:17 Drew Which junior college?

1:06:19 Caller Which one? Yeah. Santa Monica.

1:06:22 Adam Santa Monica.

1:06:22 Drew Santa Monica City College?

1:06:24 Caller That's pretty, that's pretty decent junior college. Yeah, yeah.

1:06:26 Adam It's hard, it's tough to get in there. You have to go in, you know, the door has to be unlocked. It's tough. That's, that's, that's the administration criteria. How do you get in? Well, uh, you can't get in on a Sunday because it's locked up unless you got like a, uh, rolling torch or something, but otherwise admissions are, uh, you, you actually have to get in. You have to break in. You can go through an air duct.

1:06:47 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

1:06:48 Adam But the door's always open. Just walk in. There you go. How'd you get in? I walked in.

1:06:53 Drew That door. Yeah, I got it. All right.

1:06:56 Adam So I don't like this guy. I don't trust this guy. You shouldn't trust him either. You find a nice guy at the Santa Monica Junior College. Plenty of guys over there. And, and then let me tell you something. Those cats fast track, fast track. Oh, yeah. If you want to count, move them back to your house and 26 years to get a two year degree. Fast track, fast track.

1:07:18 Drew We're going to get this.

1:07:19 Adam Let's go. Because we're going to break it down. We're going to break down. Hey, and listen, you know, everyone makes fun of me because, oh, Adam, stop breaking on the junior college. Prove me wrong. You idiots. One of you. One of you people from junior college. Prove me wrong.

1:07:32 Drew They go to university.

1:07:34 Adam A lot. Not a lot. Not a lot. Please. Handful Asians that need to be there, handful of nursing students that need to be the rest. Take out the garbage. Thin the herd. I told you when I'm in charge, I just put barbed wire around and make them into prisons. And we don't move prisoners in. It's like, no, you're it. You don't leave. You don't leave. Yeah. Oh, you thought you're playing soccer. You're now in the yard. You could get a shift put in you. That's all right. Food will be a little better, but you're not going home. And I spoke to your parents. They've signed off on it completely. They're happy. You have conjugal visits. Your dad wants a station wagon back. That's it. He's bringing your toothbrush and some tube socks later on. All right. Let's take a break.

1:08:15 Caller Yeah.

1:08:15 Adam Yeah.

1:08:16 Caller Here we go.

1:08:16 Adam And we're going to work on this accordion countdown. All right. Come on.

1:08:19 Caller All right. All right.

1:08:20 Adam All that after this. I'm Adam Nance, Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Ron Jeremy in here tomorrow night. Oh, Misty Canyon in here tomorrow night. When we left off, we were talking about playing a game that I predict is gonna be bigger than Germany or Florida. It's a game we play in the Kimmel's writing room. We have a radio there. I have this theory that just about every time I switch to a Mexican station, there's accordion music blaring. Instantly. I believe they're trying to drive us out of the country with it, by the way. But that's another theory. We can get into that later. So we start playing this game called the Ace's Mexican Accordion Countdown, which is, I've got my name on it because I thought of it. Yeah, good. And we just have a radio sitting there and we all go about writing our Kimmel jokes and about every 20 minutes, someone says, all right, flipping the radio on. And then the question is, all right, what do you got? And people are like, five seconds, 20 seconds, and then you can go with the immediate one, too.

1:09:48 Drew So, right, so you and I are gonna play here, just to give an example to the public.

1:09:52 Adam Right, now the problem is we don't have an extension cord, we don't have the mic right, now we got poor Lawrence standing in the hallway holding an AM radio, but hopefully we can hear it through Drew's mic. Drew, what do you go on the accordion countdown?

1:10:04 Caller Wait guys, real quick, before we start, have you cleared this with people and stuff like that? Because I don't want to get busted.

1:10:09 Adam Yeah, fine, you're cool. Yeah. Alright, so four seconds, and I'm going to go, I'm going to go 13 seconds. So we can look at the-

1:10:18 Drew 13 seconds?

1:10:19 Adam Yeah, it's long, it's long, I'm just going to, I'm playing a hunch here, we can look at the-

1:10:24 Drew If there's a commercial, are we-

1:10:26 Adam We restart.

1:10:27 Drew It's a pass, yeah.

1:10:28 Adam It's a pass, it's a push. Do we have a clock? Oh, we got the clock here, yeah that's right. Alright, when it gets to 40 seconds, we'll go with the, I'll have Lorne hit the power button, turn the speaker this way, get the mic over there, see where it goes. Alright, ready? Hit it. Alright, alright, alright, hold on, alright. Okay, so that was- Instant. Okay, that was instant. Alright, so I went 13 seconds, Drew, you had four seconds. I win. Alright, you won that round.

1:11:01 Drew Yeah.

1:11:01 Adam Alright, Drew wins that round, of Ace's Mexican Accordion Countdown. That's fine, that's alright. I'll be back, my friend. And by the way, I gave you that, because I usually go immediate, but it's too easy.

1:11:12 Drew Yeah, you would have wanted that one.

1:11:14 Adam Yeah. Give us another taste.

1:11:17 Caller No. Oh, alright, alright, alright.

1:11:20 Adam Hold off now, I'm going to kill myself. And by the way, you want to do a simulation of what my job site sounds like every morning? Watch, I'll put the mic over there and here's how it works. I come walking in to my bathrobe. I'm now in the garage. Yeah, to my house. There's eight guys working there. Nothing's going right. I gotta turn it real loud. I gotta make it real. I turn all the way up. Here's what it sounds like. Hey Ozzy, Ozzy, I said that I wanted you to dowel that stuff before you put it in. That's what it sounds like every morning. It's like you start talking to someone and it starts bleeding in your brain in like four seconds and you start going berserk. If you're in a bad mood, you start going insane. Like a seal club, I would just take it to the boom box. All right, well that's how you play now. Lauren, as much as I'd like to see you just standing there holding the door open, I think what we should do is you should go back in and cool your jets. And you know, we'll take some calls and then like 10 minutes from now we'll try another round. I drew one that run. Nice job, Lauren, by the way. I don't know. Don't screw with the tuning or anything. Be very careful. All right. I don't know if there's, you know, now here's the thing. I'm sure there's some sort of retarded FCC regulation about doing that. But what is it? What could it be? Really? Shouldn't count for different languages, should it? What's going on now?

1:12:50 Caller We were just playing a song that we pulled.

1:12:52 Caller We weren't playing radio station.

1:12:53 Adam Yeah, we're playing a song we pulled. That's right, Anderson. All right. You ready?

1:12:57 Drew Ready? Here we go.

1:12:59 Adam Teresa? Oh, it doesn't work.

1:13:02 Drew Why can't we? Oh, no.

1:13:03 Adam Oh, no. Lauren, get the radio.

1:13:06 Drew Try number three.

1:13:07 Adam All right, let me try three.

1:13:08 Drew No, no, no. I got Teresa. Go. Why can't we do it from here?

1:13:12 Because it's always a cluster F. Every night, there's something.

1:13:16 Drew I'm going to reboot this thing then. All right.

1:13:17 Adam Teresa?

1:13:18 Yes?

1:13:19 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

1:13:22 Well, I've been with this guy for two years.

1:13:25 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:13:26 And recently when we, when we had sex, he usually finishes really quick.

1:13:35 Adam Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

1:13:37 And he, it's like, he gets upset. And like, he starts yelling at me after he's done.

1:13:45 Adam Well, you deserve it. You made him, you made him orgasm so quickly.

1:13:50 But see, what I want to know is, you know, is it-

1:13:54 Adam Hold on, hold on, hold on. He, he has sex, he orgasms very quickly and then he starts yelling at you?

1:14:01 Yeah.

1:14:01 Adam He's a keeper. What a delight.

1:14:03 Drew How does that go down, so to speak? I mean, what does he, how does he, what does he mad at you about?

1:14:08 Adam And here, here are your choices, by the way. A, you're misrepresenting what this guy does dramatically. Or B, he's nuts and therefore you're nuts for staying with him.

1:14:20 Okay, it doesn't happen all the time. It's just the last couple of times that it has happened, you know, that's usually, it's more like a...

1:14:30 Drew He gets mad at you. For what?

1:14:37 I don't know, maybe he's, I don't know, mad at himself.

1:14:40 Drew When he's getting mad at you, what does he express?

1:14:42 Adam You stinkin whore!

1:14:44 Caller Come on, what?

1:14:45 Adam Please, any insight at all?

1:14:48 No, he, he...

1:14:50 Drew I don't want any insight, I just want a description of what it is that he claims he's angry about.

1:14:55 Adam You're right, Drew.

1:14:57 I guess he's mad because he orgasms so quick.

1:15:01 Drew So he's just frustrated, he just expresses frustration. He doesn't say, I'm mad at you because...

1:15:08 Adam No, he's just mad because he orgasms too quick. But you say he's mad at you.

1:15:13 I mean, he makes me feel like he's mad at me.

1:15:16 Drew Yeah, maybe he's just frustrated.

1:15:18 Adam He's just angry.

1:15:20 But usually that's it. There's no more after.

1:15:24 Caller Oh boy.

1:15:27 Adam Yeah, wow. Do you have like a dolphin or something we can talk to?

1:15:33 Caller Nothing?

1:15:34 Adam No pets?

1:15:36 Caller OK.

1:15:38 Adam He you're 25?

1:15:39 Caller 23.

1:15:41 Adam Oh, 23. OK.

1:15:42 Caller And he's 29.

1:15:43 Adam He's 29. And you're calling him your boyfriend?

1:15:48 Caller Yeah.

1:15:49 Adam OK. Well, I don't. First off, are you going to marry this guy?

1:15:57 Caller We thought about it.

1:15:58 Adam Do you have kids?

1:16:00 Caller No, we don't have kids.

1:16:01 Caller Good.

1:16:02 Adam What are you using for protection?

1:16:05 Caller We don't.

1:16:06 Caller OK.

1:16:06 Drew Are you planning to have kids?

1:16:09 Caller Yeah, we are.

1:16:10 Drew Right soon?

1:16:12 Caller No.

1:16:13 Adam Well, why don't you use some protection?

1:16:15 Drew How are you going to prevent that from happening?

1:16:19 Adam Hold on. Lauren, get the radio in here. You want to play Ace's Mexican Accordion Countdown with us?

1:16:25 Drew Yeah, should be good.

1:16:26 Adam Call's not going anywhere, but you want to play the game? OK. All right. Lauren's going to crank. Yeah, we got the computer screens down. Lauren's going to crank up the radio. Hold on a second, Lauren. You come in here. Turn the speaker toward Drew's mic. We don't get reception in here. All right, Drew, what are you going with time wise? Four. Stick with four. What's our caller's name?

1:16:53 Caller I can't tell you.

1:16:56 Adam Can you tell us what your name is? Teresa. Teresa, are you there?

1:17:00 Caller Yes.

1:17:02 Adam You're our caller, you know?

1:17:04 Caller OK.

1:17:04 Adam All right, Drew's gone with four seconds. What do you go with?

1:17:09 Caller Seven.

1:17:10 Adam Seven? Geez, I was going to go with seven. I'm going 11 seconds. Hold on. Let me... Drew, would you get up? All right. When it gets to 25, we're going to play, all right? Are you ready, Lauren? It's time for Ace's According Countdown. Go. Two seconds. Second and a half. Drew again with the four. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. Turn it on. Let's just write it out. Wow. This is the Jimi Hendrix of accordion players. All right. All right. That was that was like 1.26. That was not a full two seconds.

1:17:59 Drew We need a better instrument.

1:18:00 Adam Drew, how about the hollow? Ace's hollowed out fish. That's not going to work. Teresa. All right. First off, sorry, Drew won with four seconds. Yeah, you picked seven. I was further off. I took 11 on a whim. Had a gut feeling, you know. Yeah, your boyfriend. Yeah. So we're worried that you guys are going to have kids because you're not using any protection.

1:18:33 Drew You understand there's a connection between having sex and having children.

1:18:37 Caller Right.

1:18:37 Adam Right. And what does he do for a living?

1:18:43 Caller He works at a furniture store.

1:18:45 Caller He's usually like out of state.

1:18:48 Adam He's usually out of state.

1:18:50 Caller Like a mover, I guess.

1:18:51 Adam He's a mover. He's a mover.

1:18:53 Drew A rambler. A rambling man.

1:18:54 Adam He moves furniture. Right. OK. Here's the thing. I don't trust this guy. I don't like him. I don't like a guy who has a fast orgasm and then gets mad at his old lady.

1:19:07 Drew We don't know that he really is. I mean, she makes you feel like he's mad. She feels responsible. He may just be frustrated and pounding his fist.

1:19:13 Adam You don't. You don't. Oh, a little technical difficulty. Yeah. Teresa, you don't seem like a person that's like like like it almost feels like you should be a ward of the state, like you shouldn't be making your own decisions. Are you OK? You do OK? You have a job? What do you do?

1:19:35 Caller Well, that.

1:19:38 Adam What do you do? So you do all right. Here's what I'm worried about. I'm worried that this guy is going to get you pregnant and that you're going to be crank out a couple of kids and next you know you're going to be joined with this guy and he's going to be a deadbeat dad and he's going to be out driving his moving van and you're never going to see him again and things are going to get worse. So please get out use some birth control, especially with the guy's problem.

1:20:05 Drew Right.

1:20:06 Adam And then secondly, next time he has the orgasm.

1:20:09 Drew Put in a condom and the guy may help him delay his ejaculation.

1:20:12 Adam And next time he doesn't get angry and it seems like it's at you, ask him about it and then call us. And thanks for playing Ace's Mexican Accordion Countdown. We're going to send you out. It's a novel little AM radio shaped like an accordion.

1:20:27 Caller All right.

1:20:28 Adam Please get rid of her Anderson.

1:20:30 Caller Wow.

1:20:30 Adam That was a that was sort of part not all human, yes, but all love line, but all love line. We're having some serious technical, serious, serious technical difficulties.

1:20:42 Drew We can't see the computer on the computers completely out now.

1:20:45 Caller Completely.

1:20:47 Adam And I just got my head just got hit with lightning.

1:20:49 Caller Yeah.

1:20:49 Drew There was some weird sound from the satellite. Nothing to this end.

1:20:53 Caller I'm out.

1:20:53 Adam Drew, one more time.

1:20:54 Caller Just go get the door.

1:20:55 Adam That's that's radio. Let's see what we got. It's not a radio. Come on.

1:21:01 Caller And Lord took it.

1:21:02 Adam Now, don't let the door hit you in the ass.

1:21:04 Caller All right, dude.

1:21:06 Adam This is just this gentleman. That was just.

1:21:09 Caller All right. All right.

1:21:10 Adam All right. I'm going crazy. I'm going. I'm going the weird one. Nine seconds.

1:21:15 Drew Eight seconds.

1:21:16 Adam Eight seconds. Hold on. Hold on. And Ace's accordion countdown.

1:21:20 Caller Go.

1:21:26 Adam Yeah. It's got the backbeat. Got the backbeat.

1:21:28 Caller All right.

1:21:28 Adam Three and a half. All right. I'm going high. I went high and I'm getting burned, but I'm sticking with my plans. It's going to pay off. Drew's three for three, everybody. And that's a price is right thing. You know, I go nine. You go eight. Well, I go four if I'm at nine. You win it too. That's right. Smart. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. You know, Drew, smelling good is more than a smell. It's an attitude.

1:21:56 Drew It's true, Adam.

1:21:57 Adam It is?

1:21:58 Drew I know how to get that attitude too.

1:22:00 Adam How? Well, X deodorant body spray. Hi there, buddy, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Doc Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-L-V-E-1-9-1. We're on Jeremy coming in here in a round of nine, along with Christie Canyon, who I knew when I was in high school, and who turned me down on a date.

1:22:33 Drew Just once.

1:22:35 Adam That's all it took for it. I didn't see her enough. She would have turned me down a second time.

1:22:40 Drew I never heard the details of that. Does she? It'd be interesting.

1:22:44 Adam I was- No, I think I was out of high school. I was probably 18 and she was probably 16 or something. And I asked her out. She kind of voided it for a while. And then eventually she kind of said, yeah, all right. And I did that whole thing where I spent the whole day washing my dad's car and ironing my pants and stuff, put a zit cream on and everything. And I don't know what happened, but it just fell through. Like I called, she wasn't there. It was just clearly we were both going different directions, clearly. She was heading toward lunch, you know what I mean? I was heading toward the hamper. Clearly, that's different. I made a choice to stick by.

1:23:26 Drew Yeah, stick me now.

1:23:30 Adam We don't have a computer here. And when we don't have a computer, it means we don't know who the calls are, what their names are or anything like that. Now Anderson, who's back at the mothership over there, he has a computer. She's gonna, Lauren is gonna feed us the thing. Another round of Ace's Mexican accordion countdown before, real quick.

1:23:53 Drew I'll read the questions.

1:23:54 Adam All right, so Lauren is bringing, again, this is a game that's sweeping the nation. We just go random radio station and they got to play the Latin music. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, Lauren, please, I gotta cue you. And we see how long it takes before we hear the accordion.

1:24:14 Drew I'm going back to my four seconds.

1:24:16 Adam Drew's been kicking my butt. I've been going like seven seconds, 11 seconds. Drew's crushed me. Average, well, we've had an immediate, we've had a 1.3 seconds and we've had like three and a half seconds. Drew's won all of them. You're going four again? I'm going, I'm going with me. I'm going 22 seconds.

1:24:36 Drew Oh, wow.

1:24:37 Adam What do you think of that? Now hold on. Just wait, wait till the clock gets to 50 and hit it.

1:24:48 Drew There.

1:24:48 Adam No, that's horns. That's horns. That's horns. For 13 seconds. For 17 seconds it's a record ladies and gentlemen. Well, now the DJ is coming in. All right. But Drew, I...

1:25:07 Drew You won.

1:25:08 Adam Why I won?

1:25:08 Drew You kicked my ass.

1:25:09 Adam Yeah. Well, I don't know. I picked 22 seconds.

1:25:12 Drew It was going to be something longer than 22. So you win.

1:25:14 Adam All right. Smart. Well, thanks baby. All right. I'm one for four. All right, Drew, what do you got there?

1:25:20 Drew Let's talk to line one.

1:25:22 Adam Anderson who? What's the name?

1:25:23 Drew Claire is 17.

1:25:24 Adam Claire? Line one, Claire? 17? Yeah.

1:25:31 Drew Claire. Hey.

1:25:32 Adam What's up? How are you? Good.

1:25:36 Drew We're good.

1:25:36 Adam Here we go.

1:25:38 Caller Every time I have sex afterwards, I always have vaginal bleeding.

1:25:43 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:25:43 Drew Is it, have you only been having sex in or around the time of your period?

1:25:48 Caller No, no.

1:25:49 Drew No matter what.

1:25:49 Caller No, and there's no like pain afterwards.

1:25:52 Drew That's right. Are you on the birth control pill?

1:25:54 Caller Yes.

1:25:55 Drew Sometimes the pill will cause a growth of the lining of the uterus and make it sort of somewhat unstable. And so things, stimulation like sexual cause of bleeding, that's not at all uncommon.

1:26:07 Caller All right. Thank you.

1:26:09 Adam Yeah, easy. How old's the guy?

1:26:11 Caller 19.

1:26:12 Caller Where's she calling from?

1:26:18 Adam Are you in love?

1:26:20 Caller No.

1:26:21 Adam Why are you having sex with him if you're not in love?

1:26:24 Caller Because I like it.

1:26:26 Adam Okay. Are you using protection?

1:26:28 Caller Yes.

1:26:29 Drew Is she on condom and birth control?

1:26:31 Caller Yes.

1:26:32 Adam Okay.

1:26:34 Drew You just want to have sex with somebody?

1:26:37 Caller Yeah.

1:26:41 Adam Let me figure out though that you like him.

1:26:43 Drew Yeah.

1:26:44 Adam You have feelings for him.

1:26:45 Drew Yeah, but he doesn't want to be your girlfriend, your boyfriend.

1:26:48 Caller No, he's not my boyfriend.

1:26:50 Drew Because he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.

1:26:52 Caller No, well, I'm sure he doesn't.

1:26:55 Drew Right. If he did want to, he would be your boyfriend.

1:26:58 Adam Can you just face reality?

1:27:01 Drew You're denying this whole situation.

1:27:02 Adam You have feelings for him. You're pretending like you don't, so you're not hurt because he doesn't have feelings for you.

1:27:09 Caller But I don't want him to be my boyfriend.

1:27:11 Caller Of course you do.

1:27:12 Drew We know that, Claire. That's not a way to go through life. Just thinking that by having sex with him, you're going to make him like you.

1:27:17 Adam You would love him. You would want to be your boyfriend. It would be the best day of your life if he wanted to be your boyfriend. No. Who are you kidding? Who are you talking to, you little 17-year-old? We know what we're talking about. Of course you want him to be your boyfriend. You have feelings for him. What's funny about that?

1:27:38 Caller It's not funny.

1:27:40 Adam Why not? Why don't you want him to be your boyfriend?

1:27:45 Caller He's just not really somebody that I want to be my boyfriend. I just don't want him to be my boyfriend.

1:27:52 Adam I don't understand why you're having sex with him then.

1:27:57 Caller Well, it happened the first time when we were drinking. We were drunk and then I just did it afterwards.

1:28:04 Adam Okay. All right. I worry about you, Claire. Slow down. Take it easy.

1:28:09 Drew No.

1:28:11 Adam Hang up on her. Her line's bad. Drew, give us a good call. Maybe she didn't want him as a boyfriend.

1:28:18 Drew No, no. I know. But you should be worried about Claire.

1:28:20 Adam Thumbs up.

1:28:20 Drew Yeah. Sarah 23, line 3.

1:28:23 Adam Sarah on line 3, 23.

1:28:27 Drew Sarah?

1:28:27 Caller Hello.

1:28:28 Adam What's happening?

1:28:31 Caller What do you mean? Oh, with my question.

1:28:35 Adam What night? What's going on tonight? An accordion? Yeah, an accordion. Sarah, you want to join in on Ace's next accordion countdown?

1:28:42 Caller No, I'm panicked and I find nothing funny about it.

1:28:45 Adam It's not funny. It's a game. Is Jeopardy funny?

1:28:49 Caller No, it's boring.

1:28:50 Adam All right. That's what this is then. Go ahead. Just hold still. What time? What do you get? Oh, Drew, please. Oh, it's a commercial. All right. You dodged your bullet, Missy. Now, go ahead.

1:29:05 Caller Yay, I don't get to play.

1:29:06 Adam Well, it's just a commercial break. We might get back with you. Keep going. Yeah, I like that guy in the background. Go ahead. Go ahead, sir.

1:29:17 Caller My problem is that when I masturbate, I can't come.

1:29:22 Drew You can't have an orgasm when you masturbate.

1:29:24 Adam You never have.

1:29:26 Caller No, see, I don't understand. It's like, oh, you're boring. Anyways.

1:29:30 Adam Yeah, you're angry, baby.

1:29:33 Caller It feels really, really good. It feels really, really good. And I get right to that point.

1:29:41 Drew You're fat.

1:29:42 Adam True.

1:29:42 Drew And?

1:29:43 Caller I get right to that point, and then it's gone.

1:29:48 Adam All right.

1:29:48 Drew That happens with you all the time, too, doesn't it?

1:29:50 Adam Yeah, it's gone if you count gone on me.

1:29:53 Caller What?

1:29:54 Adam It's gone, yeah. Have you ever had an orgasm this way?

1:29:59 Caller By masturbating?

1:30:00 Adam Right. Yes.

1:30:02 Caller Oh. Is it possible to ruin or to damage your...

1:30:06 Adam Well, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on a second. You called and you said you have trouble orgasming.

1:30:12 Drew When you masturbate.

1:30:13 Adam When you masturbate. I said, have you ever had it? And you went, like, yeah.

1:30:15 Drew Of course.

1:30:16 Caller Well, I've had an orgasm before. Who hasn't?

1:30:18 Drew That's not what she asked.

1:30:20 Adam Have you ever had an orgasm masturbating?

1:30:23 Caller Oh, well, not like I want to.

1:30:25 Adam Anderson, please put her on hold.

1:30:29 Caller What's wrong?

1:30:29 Caller Can I hang up on her, please?

1:30:31 Adam Just get rid of her. What happened to everybody? Look, I'm trying to get to a goddamn answer here.

1:30:38 Drew It's like we're in a courtroom or something. It's our police.

1:30:40 Adam Yeah, and Sarah's angry and sort of combative. Look, I don't want every answer to be like trying to pull a rope toy out of my dog's mouth. Here's the game, everybody. You call because you have a problem.

1:30:56 Drew We try to sort it out. We try to understand it. We never met you before. We need some details.

1:31:00 Adam Yes. So I'm going to ask you things like have you had this orgasm?

1:31:03 Drew It's not like you would ask a problem in an abstraction. It's not like we need to know about the person who's asking the problem and their circumstances and their relationship and the particulars of this individual in order to assess the problem and the question you're asking.

1:31:16 Adam I know. I know. And here's the thing, everybody. Here's what you shouldn't be confused by. Like if you say I've never ever had, you know, I'm having trouble having an orgasm when I masturbate, you say, so have you ever had an orgasm that way before? What way? You brought it up.

1:31:34 Drew What? What?

1:31:35 Adam Oh, oh, have I? Oh, yeah, sure.

1:31:37 Caller Of course. Oh, not true.

1:31:39 Adam But no, you mean not through masturbation. I mean, look, is everything have to be pulling teeth? Just trying to figure out whether you've been able to diddle yourself and come. That's all. That's all we want. Drew, get the radio. Thank you. Get the radio.

1:31:51 Drew Thanks for showing me the little diddling move.

1:31:54 Adam And I use the center, I use the index finger, too. You want to see the Jack move? Eight seconds. Now hold on. Here we go.

1:32:04 Drew Ready? What are you going for?

1:32:05 Adam I'm going immediate. No, I don't know, Drew. Yeah, that's two songs in 13 seconds about accordion music. We got to re-evaluate.

1:32:36 Drew It's late at night.

1:32:36 Adam Let's take a break.

1:32:37 Caller Yeah.

1:32:37 Adam Let's take a break.

1:32:38 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:32:38 Adam Let's re-evaluate. We'll come back strong whenever, because we get a hand in, all right?

1:32:42 Caller All right? Yeah. All right.

1:32:43 Adam We'll be right back after this.

1:32:45 Drew All right, guys.

1:33:06 Caller This hour brought you apart by act.

1:33:16 Adam That's the show, yo. We're going to welcome Ron Jeremy into the studio and Chrissy Canyon at tomorrow night. Alright Drew, let's try it one more time.

1:33:24 Drew Three seconds.

1:33:24 Adam Three seconds.

1:33:26 Caller Five.

1:33:32 Adam Stick with it. Stick with it.

1:33:38 Caller Stick with it.

1:33:41 Adam Out of pride. Out of pride.

1:33:46 Drew What?

1:33:47 Adam Would Rob Lowe join the band? Oh, Drew, I, okay. Now I got to refound you.

1:33:52 Drew I was playing Germany or Florida.

1:33:54 Adam Start off so strong. We're gonna take a little break, like 22 hours worth.

1:33:59 Drew Weird energy night.

1:34:00 Adam All right, we'll be back. We'll be back. That's why it's five, nine a week. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Hey Ozzy, Ozzy, I said that I wanted you to dow that stuff before you put it in. There's no dow like...

1:34:25 The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, October 19, 2004