Episode 1000646826767

1:02 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

1:05 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:08 Voiceover Sexually oriented content.

1:12 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:13 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:15 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:24 Voiceover Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. And tonight, dear friend, Sarah Silverman. And listen, I mean, she is a dear, dear friend. That's it. Dear, dear, dear friend. Yeah. Welcome to the show, baby doll.

2:03 Sarah Silverman Thanks, Adam, Drew.

2:05 Adam It's really kismet that Sarah is here tonight because I was driving through my old neighborhood yesterday coming home from Home Depot about 6.30 in the evening. And let me tell you something about keeping it real. While everyone else was at the Emmys, I was down at the North Hollywood Home Depot with my people.

2:23 Drew Not just any Home Depot.

2:25 Adam No, North Hollywood. Yeah, Dawn of the Dead over there. The point is I was driving down Lankersham through the old NoHo district thinking about my old days. And as I passed the Elportown Theater, which used to be the Elportown, I guess it still is. But it's back where I used to see movies there. There were two theaters in town. We didn't have your multiplexes, kids. We had two theaters. And that was it. And Pepillon played there for about 6 years. And I was 9. And I had to see guys being beheaded. And there was great depictions of homosexual erotica. It was fantastic.

3:04 Sarah Silverman How come we saw those movies when we were kids? But the kids, I mean, like I think of kids today that I know. I guess it's the opposite. People usually say the opposite sentiment. But you don't think of kids seeing totally inappropriate movies. I saw totally inappropriate movies. I think my parents took me to see Jazz when I was six.

3:27 Adam Yeah. At least there's an element of fantasy about that. Pépillon was just the French Guyana turn of the century, French prisoners being abused, guys putting flowers in each other's mouths and sliding the hand down the underpants. How weird is that, by the way, when, you know, move the mosquito screen and slide the hand down the underpants?

3:45 Sarah Silverman Some parents can't tell their kids about the birds and the bees themselves.

3:50 Adam Yeah.

3:50 Sarah Silverman You need a book or a papillon?

3:53 Adam I think for my dad, it was just Scared Straight. It was a combination between Scared Straight and I don't want to pay for a babysitter. So you're coming. But Sarah Silverman, anyway, so I'm driving down the street. I'm looking at the old theater and I'm saying, there's the old El Portal Theater. And sure enough, I see Sarah Silverman's name on top of the El Portal Theater and I think on the marquee and I think, oh, she must be doing her God is Magic show there. And then I thought, I remember she's making a movie about that. And then last time we spoke, we were looking for a theater. You told me you were looking for a theater in which you could weave your magic and you found the El Portal Theater.

4:32 Sarah Silverman Yeah, I wanted to go somewhere where you grew up. Somewhere where it would be kind of like, that way I could get you to come because it would be like, you'd feel comfortable, you'd know your surroundings, you wouldn't be daunted by it, you wouldn't feel like you were going to a night at the theater.

4:49 Drew Since it is a show about God, there's all that religious orthodoxy there in the NoHo area.

4:55 Adam A very strong Jewish population there.

4:59 Sarah Silverman Well, I'm doing it on Yom Kippur or something.

5:04 Adam Oh, really? Yeah. That's where we are. So that is going to be on this Thursday and this Friday.

5:11 Sarah Silverman Yeah, Jesus is magic, by the way.

5:13 Adam What did I say? God?

5:14 Sarah Silverman Jesus, to you, Jesus is God. To me, he's just, you know, he's a carpenter who got lucky.

5:21 Adam Right. Nepotism. Jesus, oh, no, no nepotism with Jesus according to the Jews, right?

5:26 Drew The nepotism.

5:27 Sarah Silverman He's just like a great guy.

5:29 Adam But his dad's not God, is he?

5:31 Drew No, no, but maybe Abraham related.

5:33 Adam The point is, it is Thursday, it is Friday, it is in the NoHo district of North Hollywood, right there on the Lanker shim. And they've really done a nice job of renovating that entire area.

5:46 Drew Is that where the Academy television is?

5:48 Adam That's where the Academy is, right? And Sarah is making a movie out of this. And it's good. It's like, you know when you hear someone scream on a concert album and then you go, hey, that was me? That's what you can do when you go to this show, right? You'll be on it.

6:02 Sarah Silverman It will be filmed.

6:03 Adam Now you film, do you do one show a night or two shows a night?

6:06 Sarah Silverman That's it, two shows, one show a night just in real time. It's not like we're going to like, it's not like when you go to a taping of a show and it's seven hours. It's just going to be the show and it will be filmed and hopefully I won't f it up so much. I'm going to wear the same outfit for continuity. You're a real show biz.

6:25 Adam I do, I do know what I'm doing. That's how they do a lot of those concert shows and stuff like that. They just do two and now they have instead of having to nail it an hour and 20 minutes worth of material, they can just do a little mixing and matching.

6:38 Sarah Silverman Yeah, but they usually need more than just two nights.

6:42 Adam Well, they're not good.

6:43 Sarah Silverman I'm that good.

6:44 Adam And Sarah is a pro. She's done this show many times. I saw it over at the Cannon Theatre over in Beverly Hills. Spectacular. Laughed heartily the entire show. So what's the deal? Are you charging? Does it cost something to come out there?

7:02 Sarah Silverman I feel bad that it costs something.

7:04 Adam No, it should.

7:05 Sarah Silverman I'll tell you why. I mean, it always costs something. It always costs something.

7:10 Drew Because you have to run the show.

7:11 Sarah Silverman But for this, it's like, for the budget of the movie, because there's a lot, there's like, it's not just these two nights. There's all the stuff we're doing on a sound stage. All the songs are going to be videos. There's all these filming digressions. But the show that's on Thursday and Friday night, this is going to be the backbone of the movie. And we're counting on the money in the budget to pay for the theater.

7:33 Adam Right. This is grassroots.

7:35 Sarah Silverman This is grassroots.

7:36 Adam Yeah. You not only, if you go down and see Sarah on Thursday and Friday, you not only may be in her movie, but you may be, you may get a producing credit.

7:45 Sarah Silverman Yeah.

7:46 Adam Your $14 may actually make you a producer. It's more?

7:51 Sarah Silverman It's a little more.

7:52 Adam A little more.

7:52 Sarah Silverman It's like, whatever. A couple dollars more.

7:54 Adam I'm just saying if you're making a movie out of it, I mean, I'm just saying if it makes a lot of money, it's not like you're giving them their money back.

8:02 Sarah Silverman Yeah. Say the ticket's like $25. If we make a lot of money from the movie, you'll make what that investment is.

8:10 Drew They get some back end. They get some back end.

8:12 Sarah Silverman Everybody gets a point.

8:14 Everybody gets a point.

8:17 Adam So that is again Thursday, Friday in my beloved NoHo. And by the way, it's a bad sign when you have to change the name of your city. I grew up in North Hollywood, but now my mom's house is in Valley Village. That's bad when you're changing your name. Your city name. Fun thing if your city gets married, just takes the name. Like if Recita and North Hollywood got together and North Hollywood just took on Recita, that would be fine. It's old fashioned.

8:44 Drew You could forget about that then.

8:46 Adam Alright. Where are we at? We ready to start the show? What'd I miss, sir? You can find Sarah on Crank Yankers, by the way. 10.30 on Comedy Central, Tuesday night.

8:56 Sarah Silverman And Adam and Drew.

8:57 Adam And Drew.

8:58 Drew Not me this season. These guys don't invite me back.

9:01 Adam We'd have you back, but we don't want you back. You ready?

9:06 Drew Yeah.

9:07 Adam Amber.

9:07 Hi Adam, hi Drew.

9:09 Adam You're 23, what's up?

9:10 Caller Well, last time Sarah was on, you asked her how she felt about Jimmy farting in front of her. She said he doesn't do that.

9:21 Drew And we immediately were reeling in disbelief.

9:24 Caller Yeah, so then Jimmy called up and said, baby, the honeymoon's over, from here on out I'm going to start farting in front of you.

9:31 Drew And she was genuinely shaken by this, and well she should be.

9:34 Sarah Silverman I wasn't shaking because the farting was about to start.

9:37 Drew Little did you know what you were in for now, be serious. I mean, now that you've had a taste, I mean, you understand why we'd have thought you were shaking about that.

9:46 Sarah Silverman Well, I was shaking about the, at first, because I hadn't really experienced the, I guess the, all the colors of this.

9:56 Adam And, I was. It's like a brown skittles commercial coming out of him.

10:03 Sarah Silverman I was also scared because I realized, I remembered that this was a secret between us that he was doing this for me. It was kind of like, you know.

10:12 Caller So Sarah, what happened from that point in time on?

10:16 Drew Well, let's pay proper homage to the mystique they were maintaining. They wanted to maintain something special. They wouldn't let the sort of the farting together sort of stage ever emerge.

10:27 Adam Me and my wife tried that. It lasted three days. Really?

10:31 Drew I'm surprised. Remember the discussion we had last night? Remember the discussion we had last night about this?

10:36 Caller Well, I had an ex-boyfriend that never farted in front of me and burped in front of me one single time.

10:45 Adam Wow. I'll tell you where it usually opens up is in your sleep. Here's really where the problem comes is when you're used to being single, or maybe dating or whatever, but sleeping alone. You go see whoever and then you go back to your apartment, go to bed. You get a couple years of that under your belt. All of a sudden you got someone sleeping over. The first few nights they sleep over, at 5.30 in the morning when you're deep into REM, you don't realize there's a body next to yours and that's when the gas begins. And then the person's job to pretend like they didn't hear it.

11:16 Drew Tell Sarah the story about the guy who was in the hotel room with you. Illustrative story.

11:21 Adam Which one was that?

11:22 Drew The guy who was with the girl hooked up in Las Vegas and you were in the room. This is good.

11:26 Sarah Silverman Oh wait, is this the...

11:28 Adam This is Paul, one of the writers for the night. Yeah, a lot of gas going down there. No, Drew, I just told that story last night. I'll tell her off the air.

11:39 Sarah Silverman You told it on the air last night?

11:40 Adam All I'm saying is guys need to fart even more when they're out on a date or out with a woman.

11:47 Sarah Silverman Yeah, because they've got nervous farts.

11:49 Drew And they've got nerve gas.

11:51 Adam And they're eating. And your stomach really, it's like a paint can shaker in there with just the surf and turf and the acid and Jimmy, by the way, is a lot of acid going on in that stomach of his. And all I'm saying is, is at the end of the date, you know, you may be out for four or five hours seeing a movie and eating and all that kind of stuff. What's Pepe on? Two and a half hours. And then there's the meal. There will be an extended dance version of a fart while you're driving off in your car. You know what I mean? At the end of the first couple of dates. It is the stairway to heaven of farts. It's like it's a four-stager, maybe ten. And it's not one fart. It's a train of farts that have just been connected. It's not just an engine in a caboose. There's a dining car. There's a parlor car. There's a sleeping car. And it's like a multi-stage rocket. But Paul, you know Paul, Paul was picked up a gal in Vegas when I was out there with him a few years ago doing something for The Man Show. I was crashed in the bedroom. He was crashed in the living room of the suite we were in. He was crashed with his new honey. She hung out until about 5, 6 in the morning and then got herself, got her panties on and headed down the hall. And as Paul was waving goodbye to her, she was heading down the hall. Only his ass was left in the room. And that's when the 28-stage fart began. He's trying to sleep in the back bedroom. At second 23, it wasn't even at the halfway stage. You know that fart, like you know that feeling when you're eight or ten beats into a fart and you realize I'm not even at the halfway mark. This flight of stairs is going to keep going. I'm going to stay on this thing. Drew, you know what I'm talking about.

13:41 Drew It's a new Sarah Silverman though. She was offended by this humor last time.

13:45 Sarah Silverman No, I was not offended by it. I wasn't offended. Drew, you're totally wrong. The only reason I got sad was because I realized that when I went home, I'd be in the dog house.

13:59 Drew You can share an appreciation of this.

14:02 Sarah Silverman I can share an appreciation. But I can share that appreciation with all my friends and sisters.

14:06 Adam It's a symbolic end of the honeymoon stage of the relationship. I mean, if you really think about it, people talk in terms of relationships like, well, when did the honeymoon phase of the relationship end? People go, well, when we had our first kid, things changed, or someone put some weight on, or this or that. It's really when the first fart is fired over the bow of your partner. That is when you go from honeymoon to, okay, this is, we're digging in. We're in for the long haul here. Honeymoon phase over. And you stretched that out with Jimmy, by the way, about as far as a human could do it.

14:45 Drew And of all the people to make that attempt, Jimmy Kimmel. I mean, you would not pick him for the Olympiad of that test.

14:53 Sarah Silverman It's like putting his jacket over a puddle times a thousand.

14:57 Adam Right. No, it's like when Annette Benning married Warren Beatty. Here's the consman bachelor finally, somebody was able to reel him in. And not that Jimmy had sex with any other women or that any other women even attracted him. But the farting is really, he was the Warren Beatty of ass men. You know what I'm saying? You were able to reel him in.

15:22 Sarah Silverman He was the Warren Beatty of farting.

15:24 Adam Yeah, he really was. He really was. And again, I say was because now it's game on.

15:29 Sarah Silverman Well, now it's game on, but I will say this. Jimmy, if you're listening, I don't care. But he doesn't, he won't fart. I don't know we've never officially said this, but he's never like touched me and farted, which I consider to be.

15:41 Drew He pulled your finger or anything.

15:42 Sarah Silverman Or even just like be touching me in the bed, like our bodies touching and the fart. Because to me, I think that's another stage.

15:53 Adam Right.

15:55 Sarah Silverman That's more for like 50th wedding anniversary.

15:58 Adam Right. That's a silver or gold, is it platinum?

16:02 Sarah Silverman But he does let them go.

16:04 Adam For most people it's paper, indeed. Okay. Well, the thing about Jimmy and his gas is it will find you and touch you, even if you're in other parts of the car or the house.

16:14 Sarah Silverman Or you know what? He'll do it in another room and then he'll, if he runs into the next room, it's still like attached, like a kite.

16:22 Adam Yeah.

16:22 Sarah Silverman It's like a gas kite coming out of his ass.

16:25 Adam Yeah.

16:25 Drew So nice to see that tender, loving description. That's sweet.

16:29 Adam Yeah.

16:29 Sarah Silverman It's like a comic. It's like Anne Marie, like that girl with the kite, but it's a fart. Right.

16:34 Drew Right. And Mary Poppins.

16:36 Adam Engineer Chris, do you have any idea what that girl is or Anne Marie?

16:41 Sarah Silverman Yeah.

16:41 Adam You do?

16:41 Drew You do? You do? Who played Anne Marie?

16:43 Adam What was the actress's name?

16:45 Drew Poppins, I guess.

16:46 Adam Mary Poppins. Mary Poppins.

16:48 Sarah Silverman She can't shoot. Marla Thomas can't announce the award.

16:52 Adam See what we deal with on a nightly basis?

16:54 Drew I just saw her tonight on, she's in a new show.

16:56 Adam Alright, alright. Let's not digress. Here we go. Heather.

17:01 Sarah Silverman I can't believe Adam just said let's not digress.

17:04 Drew I know.

17:04 Sarah Silverman When it's not Adam, digress. And we need to stay on the topic.

17:09 Adam No, but you just know, Drew's going to start waxing on about Marlo Thomas.

17:13 Drew No, I thought it was weird that she would come up and now she's on television again.

17:16 Sarah Silverman Well, she, cause she had an award, the Danny Thomas award, and Jimmy and I were laughing. We had lots of jokes in the audience.

17:23 Adam Cause there's that myth.

17:25 Drew Heather.

17:26 Adam Heather? You're 18, what's up?

17:30 Caller Well, like, I don't know how to explain it. A few weeks ago, me and my boyfriend just broke up and we had this big bra type thing out in my front yard and I called the police on him cause he was hitting on me in front of my daughter. So I threw him in jail for that.

17:46 Adam Hold on, I'm going out on a limb here. Jew? Yeah, this is yeah. She's calling from Oklahoma. They're out on the lawn. Boyfriends paroled. I was hitting on her. Called the cops.

18:00 Sarah Silverman Juden.

18:01 Drew Guess his name.

18:03 Adam I'm going to say his name is either Moishe or Israel. Heather? Yes. Are you Jew? First time I've been wrong, right?

18:14 Sarah Silverman Do you know any Jews?

18:18 Adam Jeff Goldblum and Alan Greenspan. Alright. Keep going baby doll.

18:24 Drew So he's in jail.

18:25 Adam So he's beating on you.

18:27 Drew You called the cops. Well done.

18:30 Caller And then like after he got out of jail, he called me and wanted to know if I had the charges on him. I told him I tried. So I called the DA and tried to drop the charges on him. I guess he didn't see that I was trying. And him and his brother got really mad at me. Came over here and I didn't see his brother behind the door and he's knocking at my door, his brother was. And you know I answered it. He's not a trusting person. He shouldn't be. And he starts running through my house trying to find my daughter. I'm like, what are you doing? And behind me comes his other brother. He held me down. And then like they run out the door with my child. I ran out the door, you know, trying to chase the car down. Then I get on the phone with the sheriff and I guess they seen that I was on the phone with the sheriff. So they took her.

19:18 Adam Hold on, hold on. How did they see you were on the phone with the sheriff?

19:21 Caller There was three people in the car.

19:23 Drew As they drove up, they saw her on the phone calling emergency or something.

19:27 Adam Well, that's what I was saying. How did they... You chased her car down the street and then they seen you on the phone with the sheriff.

19:35 Drew They what?

19:35 Caller I live in a trailer park so it's kind of a long driveway.

19:38 Drew No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.

19:39 Adam Jews don't live in trailer parks, first off, sweetie. Oh, no, wait, she said she wasn't, Julie. I'm really confused. Alright, so you're in a trailer park.

19:48 Drew Alright, Heather, here's the deal.

19:49 Adam They saw you do, they saw you pick up the phone.

19:51 Drew What is the question?

19:52 Adam And then what?

19:52 Drew What's the question, though?

19:54 Adam Well, I want to know. I'm interested now. They saw you pick up the phone, assumed you're calling the sheriff.

19:59 Caller Yeah, so they took her to the sheriff's department and they told welfare, or they told the sheriff and what they told welfare and they told welfare that I was on drugs and I lived in a pigpen and you know, I was always drunk out.

20:14 Adam Right.

20:14 Drew Are you? Do you do drugs?

20:15 Caller No, I cleaned up about a couple of weeks ago.

20:19 Adam So you're, alright, so your assessment of the situation is they tried to kidnap your child, but once they saw you pick up the phone, they took the kid to the sheriff's department.

20:31 Caller Yeah.

20:33 Adam That doesn't really make sense because they're going to assume you're going to call the sheriff as soon as the child's abducted and you've ordered a pizza, the next call is going to the sheriff's office.

20:47 Drew Your story's not holding together.

20:48 Adam It's not holding together. I mean, they may be stupid, but this would be retarded. Of course you're going to pick up the phone and call the sheriff as soon as the kid's abducted.

20:56 Drew So the point is your perception is that they kidnapped the child and theirs is they were trying to get the child to safety. Yeah.

21:03 Adam Or some sort of retribution or payback for whatever she did to him in terms of pressing charges.

21:08 Drew Right. You're trying to blow your cover on your drug use, which is again, not a bad thing to do if you indeed were strung out, which you were until two weeks ago.

21:14 Adam You could be trying to pay her back.

21:15 Drew No, I know. But even though in a retarded way, not a bad thing given the circumstances.

21:21 Adam So then what happened, Heather?

21:23 Caller Well, the sheriff came out to my house and said that they had Haley and they told me to come pick her up. So I went up there to pick her up and all three of them were sitting there in handcuffs in the sheriff's department. I was like, I'm here to pick up my daughter and they asked me who I was and I told them I was their mother. And they were like hang out for a minute. We'll be out there to talk to you for a second. And a welfare woman came out there and told me what they had told them. So my daughter had to stay in a foster home for about, no, no, they took her on the 9th and I got her back on the 13th. But yeah, she told me that.

22:00 Sarah Silverman How old is your daughter?

22:03 Caller She's 18 months old.

22:04 Drew 18 months.

22:05 Adam 18 months. My dad would have taken me to Pepillon by now.

22:08 Drew You would have been in French Guiana. Oh, you actually would have taken you to French Guiana.

22:13 Adam Heather. Okay, where is the biological father of your child?

22:20 Caller He's one of the brothers that took her. He was my ex-boyfriend.

22:25 Drew The one who you got put in jail?

22:28 Caller Yes.

22:29 Adam So your boyfriend is her father? Your ex-boyfriend, but up until a couple days back.

22:36 Sarah Silverman Do you have a boyfriend now?

22:37 Caller No, I don't.

22:40 Adam And so he was kidnapping his daughter or whatever. So now where are we at? Is he in the joint? Is he going to jail?

22:49 Caller I don't know. He called me a few days ago and he asked me to drop the charges on him. I pondered on that for a little while because I don't know if I should or not because if I do, and if I do.

23:06 Drew This is a mess. This is the word chaos personified.

23:11 Adam I just thank God that she has a daughter so we can have another stripper and not a boy so we can have another murderer. At least I'm thankful for that. I'm sure she'll be cute and I'll be fine. So here's the thing. You need to A, not crap out any more kids because this kid would be better off raised by a family of badgers than what you're putting her through. And number two, you need to get away from the chaos. Stop the dance. Stop the screaming matches. Stop the arguments. Stop the calls to the cops. And by the way, I really do believe that there's 1% of this society that uses the cops, that monopolizes the court system. I mean, it's like, it's like, there's one, there's like, there's really less. No, no, it's real. One out of every 100 people, maybe, maybe less.

24:01 Drew I'm afraid it's more. I'm afraid it's more.

24:03 Adam Let me, if I start getting in certain ethnicities, the number, the number does float around a little. But the point is, it's 1%, true?

24:11 Drew If you say so. I don't know that it's not.

24:13 Adam It's still a lot.

24:14 Drew It's millions, yes. It's millions of people.

24:17 Adam Yeah. There's, you know, 280 million people on this, in this country. 28 million, something like that. 28 million, is that what that is?

24:26 Sarah Silverman 2.8 million.

24:28 Adam 2.8 million. Wow, Drew, what's going on? That's 10%. 1% is 2.8. 2.8 million using, Drew, you don't have to write this down. The two people that dropped out of college can straighten you out on this. You sucked up too much formaldehyde in the lab. It rotted your brain. Here's my point. These people are using everything up. Every resource. When you call the cops and they can't come out to your house for three days after someone breaks in, it's because they're back and forth to the same crappy beat up, ramshackled house every time. Heather, stop using up the cops. Stop the dance. Go ahead and press charges against this guy and then that's it. You're out. You're done with him. You focus on raising your daughter. You focus on creating a stable environment for your daughter.

25:14 Drew I would, it's an okay thing to do, but I would make the case that rather than getting this guy who seems to be very unstable and prone to retribution on your tail again, just get the hell out of there. Just get out of town. End this relationship. Get as far away as you possibly can.

25:30 Sarah Silverman Where do your parents live?

25:31 Caller They live about five miles away from me, but my dad's a truck driver so he's gone all the time.

25:37 Adam Alright. Alright. Heather, stop the chaos. Really, here's the whole thing. Do you realize that you're white trash and people are making fun of you and this is Jerry Springer stuff? Can you stop it?

25:48 Caller I've been trying.

25:49 Caller I know I'm white trash. I have no problem admitting it.

25:54 Adam Good. You can admit it. Just don't act like it. Act as if you were. And by the way, there's a fun part of white trash. There's a part where you make your own whiskey and you hate other races and you play the banjo. There's a fun part of white trash. And then there's the ugly part. There's the physical violence. There's the sexual abuse. Just stick to the hee haw side of it and stay away from the actual trappings. Yes? Perfect. Alright. Take care of that daughter. No more chaos. Sarah Silverman in studio tonight. She's going to be at the Elport Town Theatre in North Hollywood Thursday and Friday doing a show. Filming a show. Making a movie. We'll take a quick break.

26:33 Caller We'll be right back.

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27:35 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Oh, yeah, it's time to get it on. Let's get it on. Yeah, get it on. Freak out. Sarah Silverman is in the studio tonight. Dear, dear friend, Sarah Silverman. And Shay Moore only got like four deers, by the way. So you got like nine. That's pretty good.

28:05 Drew Oh, she was only compared with Jay Moore.

28:07 Adam Oh, no, I'm just saying, if you've seen someone one time outside of the studio, you have to call them at least a dear friend. And if you do that, then Sarah Silverman, who I've seen many times outside the studio, gets the 18 deers before.

28:21 Sarah Silverman Just outside the studio.

28:23 Adam That's right, baby doll. Sarah is here plugging her show. I screwed that up. Jesus is Magic, which is coming on to the El Portale Theater, which is right in the heart of the NoHo Arts District on Lankersham, my old haunting grounds. And that'll be Thursday and Friday. One show, eight o'clock, more than $14 to get in.

28:46 Drew A couple of dollars more.

28:48 Adam A couple of dollars more. But again, that'll get you a producing credit.

28:52 Drew And a back end.

28:53 Adam It gets you some back end. And then Sarah can go home and get some back end from Jimmy.

29:00 Sarah Silverman Adam, I don't do that.

29:02 Adam I mean, gas wise. Oh, yeah, you do do that.

29:06 Sarah Silverman I don't do whether she likes it or not.

29:08 Adam You don't do the back end stuff.

29:09 Sarah Silverman No, my a hole is like it's for decoration only.

29:13 Adam Yeah, it barely works for duty.

29:15 Sarah Silverman And no, nothing comes out. No, I know it's completely it's like the appendix.

29:20 Adam You know, you know what? You know what Sarah's a hole is like? You know, in the Wiley Coyote commercials, I mean, cartoons with the roadrunner and stuff, when he would paint that on the side of a mountain, it would look like a tunnel.

29:32 Drew Right.

29:32 Adam That's it.

29:33 Sarah Silverman But smaller.

29:34 Drew But eventually he goes down.

29:35 Sarah Silverman I mean, the tunnel is smaller.

29:36 Adam Well, not when it's dilated. No, it is smaller. It is smaller than that. It is small, but I'm saying it's not a real tunnel. Got it. So Jimmy tries to get through it, pow! He just whacks right into the side of the mountain.

29:49 Drew But then the road comes along.

29:50 Adam But then the train runs him over.

29:52 Sarah Silverman Yeah.

29:54 Adam Always funny. But it's not a real, you know, it's not a real train. All right, we're ready to go? It's the Niblets Express. All right, here we go. That's a good name for a dupe.

30:04 Sarah Silverman Niblets.

30:05 Adam I got a Niblets Express coming down the pike. My God. Thank you. Elizabeth? You're 20? You know what I like? I like when people tell comedians they can use stuff. You could use that. You could use that.

30:18 Sarah Silverman You can use that.

30:19 Adam Use Niblets Express.

30:22 Sarah Silverman Thanks, Uncle Adam.

30:23 I'll be there Thursday. Elizabeth?

30:27 Yes?

30:27 Adam You're 20?

30:29 Caller Yes, I am.

30:30 Adam What's happening?

30:33 Caller My boyfriend and I, when we have sex, you know, we do our thing. And usually, like, if he pulls out for a second or when he's done and before we go at it again, my vagina will tighten.

30:49 Caller I don't know if that's normal.

30:53 Adam So when he's done?

30:55 Drew When he's done or you're done?

30:58 Caller Well, like, it happens on different occasions. Like, on a rarity, it'll happen when he's in me.

31:04 Drew Christmas, holidays.

31:05 Adam Alright. Yeah, it'll happen on rare occasion when he's in you.

31:11 Caller Yeah, but...

31:12 Sarah Silverman I don't think she gets done.

31:14 Adam What? Do you get done?

31:15 Caller No, no, no, no.

31:15 Caller I get done. Yeah.

31:16 Adam You're done.

31:17 Caller I get done many a times.

31:20 Caller Yeah.

31:21 Caller I mean, I have nothing to complain about our sex life. It's great, but the thing is, is like, for a moment, he'll pull out and we'll try a different position or something, and he'll try to go back in, and it tightens.

31:31 Drew Mm-hmm.

31:33 Caller Like, as if I'm not a virgin, or...

31:35 Drew Well, no, no. It's just muscular spasm. And that's... It's probably after a little while that that happens, though, right? You have to have been having sex for a while for that to be triggered.

31:47 Sarah Silverman Is it from raw swollenness?

31:50 Caller I mean, it happens out of nowhere.

31:53 Adam Okay. It's, um... How long has Elizabeth been in the country? Like, she can't answer whatever you put...

32:00 Drew Well, it's because it's mysterious to her, and it's a sort of reflexive response that she gets.

32:04 Adam I know, but it's like talking to a native about a volcano. Elizabeth, just calm... cool your jets for a second, sweetie. If he has sex with you for ten minutes, is it gonna happen, or you have to have a good long session before it happens?

32:21 Caller It just...

32:21 Adam I don't...

32:22 Caller It'll happen whenever. It can happen after, like, an hour of sex. It can happen, like, within ten minutes of sex.

32:28 Sarah Silverman Does it hurt?

32:30 Caller Not all the time.

32:32 Drew But does it hurt when he tries to penetrate again?

32:35 Caller Sometimes, yes. Sometimes it'll even hurt him because it's so tight.

32:39 Sarah Silverman This is what you do, if I may. I wish I didn't... I wish this wasn't...

32:45 Drew Something you understood. A friend, it's a friend, Sarah. A friend told you.

32:49 Sarah Silverman A friend of mine told me, you go to the fridge, get a Coke, a nice, cold Coke, put it on there. Press it on there.

32:58 Drew That's for swelling. That's for when things get irritating.

33:00 Sarah Silverman Oh, yeah, I wouldn't know. The great thing is then, it forms an equilibrium, and the job is done. You pop it up and drink it.

33:12 Adam Right. That's nice.

33:15 Drew Elizabeth, the deal is, this is a spasm.

33:17 Adam You put it back in the fridge, and your stepbrother drinks it once they know what's up.

33:22 Drew You're multi-orgasmic, so you're having spasms each time you orgasm, and sometimes that sort of forms into a spontaneous spasm. I would bet that it's more likely to happen after longer periods of use. And as Sarah's pointing out, it can also be associated with inflammation and irritation because that can try to trigger the spasm also.

33:40 Sarah Silverman Or, maybe your vagina had a stroke. And it's paralyzed on one side.

33:46 Adam Let me see. Is it speech-lered, Elizabeth? No? It would be funny if half the vulva stroked out and the other half worked.

33:58 Drew That's basically what will happen.

34:01 Adam Is that what happens?

34:02 Drew The whole side will go out.

34:04 Adam Right down the vagina?

34:05 Drew Right down the middle. Oh, really? In real life?

34:09 Adam Wow.

34:09 Drew When you're out, you're out. The motor function is out. But a lot of that, those parts are mediated by non-skeletal muscle. A lot of it's smooth muscle and stuff.

34:18 Adam So, would it still work? Would it look different?

34:21 Sarah Silverman It's like the Bill Cosby dentist routine.

34:25 Adam Would you do it for us, by the way? Would you get like a lazy labia? You know what I mean?

34:34 Drew We pull the one side or the other. I don't think so.

34:40 Adam Let's talk to Jared, who's 27. He's a cop on the beat. Jared? So I was screaming that I feel a lot of people use the cops as their own personal sort of police force when they want to get back at a lover or a boyfriend or husband or vice versa. Have you experienced that?

35:03 Yeah, it's... I'd say it happens more often than not or what people believe actually happens.

35:12 Adam What about my plan? And tell me if you'd be down with this as a peace officer. I had a New Year's party a few years back. Cops showed up at the house at about 9.45. That means the call went in and it takes cops a little while to respond. Eh, call probably went in about 9.10, maybe 9 o'clock on New Year's Eve for a party that hadn't really even started. It was clearly just a neighbor who was PO'd that they weren't invited or whatever. The cop showed up, looked around and went, well, nothing's going on. I said, should I turn the stereo down? They said, not if you don't want to. Then they went, hey, Mancho. And then they split. So the point is, is, I don't know what that costs the taxpayer, but it's two cops, it's a cruiser, it's a dispatcher, they're coming out, it's an hour round trip. It's gotta be you know, three, four hundred bucks of taxpayer money, plus the poor guy's getting the shiv put in him at the ATM who is lying there bleeding on the sidewalk because the cops are telling me to turn my stereo down and want an autograph. Why not charge the person that picked up the phone? And people go, and I know you called the show because you wanted to talk, but this is a mistake. And now people go, well no, if we start charging people, then someone's gonna be looking out their window, they're gonna see a woman being gang raped and stabbed, they're gonna pick up the phone and they're gonna go, no, this could cost me a hundred and eighty dollars and put the phone back down. Well then you're a retard. No, I'm saying for frivolous crap. It's like pulling the fire alarm at a school or in a hotel. That person gets busted. If there's actually a fire and you pull the fire alarm, you don't get busted. And only retards couldn't figure that out. I don't want the slippery slope argument either. It's like if it's a chicken ass call, if it's New Year's Eve, if it's nine o'clock at night, if a bunch of people are in a black tie listening to a little cool in the gang, you pick up the phone, it costs you two hundred bucks. You think about it next time you old coos. What do you think of that, Jared?

37:13 I think that should be exactly the way it is. But you know, unfortunately we can't do that type of stuff. It seems ridiculous. But you know, for some reason they just, you know, people will call for the most asinine things, most ridiculous things in the entire world. We go sometimes to injured birds.

37:32 Adam Right, right. And it's like these, it's like the 911 system is perpetually tied up. And here's the thing too. I've never called 911. It's, it's, the system's been up for 20 years, I've not dialed it once. The one time I want to use my 911, it's going to be busy and it's going to take the cops six hours to get out to the house because there's the perpetual users. There's the people who call every month and a half because of the bird or because of the party. What can we do about this?

38:01 Drew I think Jared's in Burbank.

38:03 Adam Oh. Jared, you're Burbank PD?

38:07 Drew Yeah.

38:08 Adam Let me ask you a couple of questions about that. First off, there is not, I've traveled the world. I've been hungry and run into people who've got jaywalking tickets in Burbank and they've never left Hungary. They just get them in the mail. How many chicken-ass jaywalking tickets can the city of Burbank hand out? Should we ask Mr. Al? How does this work? You realize you guys write more tickets for jaywalking than any other community on the planet?

38:36 I haven't done a tally on the jaywalking tickets. I personally can tell you I personally have never written a jaywalking ticket.

38:42 Drew Next time I'm going to that media center, where's Officer Jared?

38:47 Adam You must be a deep undercover because I will go out on a limb and say that on the planet there's no place that hands out more jaywalking tickets in Burbank. I got a jaywalking ticket for walking in between the crosswalk and the cop said I stepped off the curb when the light was blinking. Yes and I was standing on the other side and the light hadn't changed yet. The cop was a motorcycle cop, went the same direction I was going and crossed the street after me and then wrote me the ticket and then said, I said well this is ridiculous, of course I'm going to fight this. That's your prerogative. And win. And again we've talked about winning. It's the same kind of winning that look, if the Raiders win this weekend, you give me a hundred bucks. And if the Packers win, you don't have to give me the hundred bucks. That's not winning. That's breaking even and missing two days of goddamn work down at the courthouse. And the cop never showed up, that's why I won. But Jared, what is it with Burbank over there? Will you guys reinstate that policeman's ball so you can get some money and leave the tax paying citizens alone?

39:54 You know, I don't know. But you know, the belief that there's some type of quota that officers have to obtain is not true.

40:05 Sarah Silverman What about meter maids though? They're scumbags.

40:08 Well, you know what? I mean, go to LA you'll get it even worse than Burbank.

40:13 Adam No, no. Listen, let me tell you something. The Burbank PD is so out of breath from writing jaywalking tickets that they don't have enough to go back into the parking enforcement. They're so plum-tuckered out from writing jaywalking tickets. Hey, let me ask you this, Jared. Something I've always wanted to know. You're out on the street, right? You're in a patrol car? Hollywood Way on the way to Burbank Airport. There is an old Burbank PD motorcycle that's parked there. I pass it every time I go to the airport. You know what I'm talking about. I always slow down. And then I realize what's that?

40:56 Caller It's not planted there for any reason. I think the guy just bought the thing. It sits there all day long. It never moves.

41:02 Adam Yeah. Let me ask you this.

41:03 Drew It's not they don't put it there. It's the owner of the property puts it there.

41:08 Adam Let's do something about that. I swear to God I'm going to burn that thing to the ground. It's okay.

41:14 Drew Jared, thanks.

41:15 Adam Thanks. It's a rusted out piece of junk cop bike that the guy parks so that the front end of it just hangs out past the two, the bumpers of the two parked cars. And when you're making when you're hauling ass to Burbank Airport and you're going down Hollywood Way, you see the cop bike and you freak out. And after it's been ten years, I stop freaking out. Some a-hole owns that bike. Now I used to say this must be the cops planning this. It's a long straight away.

41:41 Drew That property is trying to...

41:42 Adam It's in front of an apartment building. I'm going to kill it.

41:44 Drew All right.

41:45 Adam We got to do something to that bike. Sarah Silverman here, everybody. Kate's meter mates. God bless you.

41:53 Sarah Silverman No, there was a... I have a nice experience with the meter mate. But when I... Like two weeks ago, I got a ticket. I walked back to my car. I had eleven minutes left. I was like, ooh, eleven minutes. I was checked to see how safe I was. Eleven minutes left. I walked to my car. There's eleven minutes left on the meter. I got a ticket and I look what it's for. Expired meter. So right away, I'm looking for the white car because I want to show the guy. And then I'm like thinking, should I take a picture? But what's the point of that? Because you can just put eleven minutes. So then I called the number and they're like, well, if you want to fight it, you got to go through all this. And I'm like, ugh. But I said, I'm going to fight it because even though it's thirty-five dollars, that's criminal. So then I did. I fought it, but they go, well, you have to pay for it when you fight it. So then I get the check back today. They cashed it, but nothing's been done about, like, and plus, where are they going to do it when they investigate it? Nothing. They're not going to do anything.

42:50 Drew I got entrapped.

42:51 Adam All right, hold on. Hold on, Drew. This isn't People's Court. The point is, is now the price of the tickets have gone up fifty cents, so Sarah could cover that. The, we're going to take ourselves a little break. Jesus Is Magic, over at the El Portal Theater, Thursday and Friday. Sarah Silverman will take a quick break. Be right back.

43:09 Dude, you got issues.

43:12 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

43:14 Adam Here, buddy, it's Adam.

43:15 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

43:16 Adam Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

43:19 Drew Yes, sir.

43:19 Adam You spray that on, you give Stink the Axe. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LLVE-191. Sarah Silverman, dear friend.

43:59 Sarah Silverman Hi, everybody.

44:00 Adam Yeah, Jesus is Magic, everybody. Her fabulous show, which I saw, must have been a year and change ago over at the Cannon Theater in Beverly Hills. Now, going to be making a movie out of it, like a concert movie. And it's going to be filmed at the El Portel Theater in NoHo, in the Arts District there on Thursday and on Friday this week. All right, Drew. All right, buddy. James.

44:30 Yeah.

44:31 Adam Nineteen. What's up?

44:34 Well, me and my girlfriend have been having sex since about May. And she's been like, I don't know, she's just like really shy person overall, you know. And we do our thing and then afterwards we sit and hold each other. When I come out though, she gets extra self-conscious and even scared because, you know, semen and stuff comes out and stuff. And I was wondering how I could maybe help her feel better about that.

45:01 Drew I'm confused. She's offended by...

45:03 No, she's not offended. She's scared. She's self-conscious.

45:07 Adam Self-conscious. Not scared.

45:09 Well...

45:09 Adam But self-conscious.

45:10 Sarah Silverman Self-conscious by the...

45:12 You want to bet not scared? She told me a few times that she didn't want to do it anymore.

45:16 What?

45:18 Adam Retard. He's got that crazy... He's got that crazed maniacal laugh too. James, is she using protection?

45:28 Caller We were. What were you using? She was on the pill.

45:34 Adam And then what about now? Not using it anymore?

45:37 Caller No, we're getting married in the bottom month and she wants a baby so we're trying.

45:42 Adam By the way, you're 19.

45:43 Caller Yeah.

45:44 Adam How old is she?

45:45 Caller 18.

45:46 Adam Why are you guys trying to have a kid at, you know, combined age of 37? You know what I'm saying?

45:56 Caller Yeah.

45:57 Sarah Silverman Also, you know when people become schizophrenic or they're like, mental things happen that usually happens in the early 20s?

46:05 Drew She could go bad, huh?

46:06 Adam Yeah.

46:07 Sarah Silverman No, this guy seems like he's about to turn.

46:09 Adam Doesn't happen to the chicks, it happens to the guys. Yeah, 19. As a matter of fact, he started to make his move during this call.

46:16 Sarah Silverman Yeah.

46:16 Adam Yeah. You could be hearing voices by 10 minutes from now and think you're a Napoleon by midnight. So, James. Yeah. Look, do me a favor. What do you do for a living? Machinist? Works with metal. That's white trash. But that's a decent gig, machinist. What do you make in an hour?

46:38 Caller I work for a company, Woodward Governor.

46:41 Adam Oh, okay. All right. That's not what I asked. How much do you make an hour?

46:45 Caller Oh, how much? That's about 12, 13.

46:48 Adam 12, 13, that's barely enough for you, not you and a kid. Why don't you guys hold off just a little bit, huh? Just get married. Enjoy your marriage a little. Travel and have a kid in a few years.

47:01 Sarah Silverman There is no way you're going to look back on not having a kid right now and say, oh, I wish we had that kid when we were 18 and 19.

47:09 Adam Right.

47:10 Sarah Silverman There's no way.

47:11 Adam The only advantage is being able to kick your kid's ass until he's well into his early 30s. You know what I mean? That's a nice, that's a power move. Like my dad had me a little bit late. Plus he's, you know, a wuss. And I could have beat the crap out of him when I was nine. I like, I like it when, and this is one, one, one plan the black community has that really beats us out is they have their kids early. The dads are good and virile and the dads can beat their kids up well into the kids. As a matter of fact, their kid has kids and the dad can still beat the son up. That's important. Drew, your sons are going to start kicking your ass in a few months.

47:49 Drew Oh yeah, they already have.

47:51 Adam That's the point. It'd be nice if you were like 28 now and could really beat the crap out of them, yeah? Drew busy on the computer looking up prison populace. We'll take ourselves a little break. The great Sarah Silverman in studio tonight going to be at the Elkwood Town Theatre Thursday and Friday. Take a quick break.

48:10 Drew Alright guys, here's the deal.

48:12 Caller Look in the hookup, call the Dateline.

48:13 Caller Stick a waist in time with the wrong person, call the Dateline. One call is all you need to make.

48:27 Drew 1-800-LOVE-1-9-877-889-DATE Hey, this is Dr. Drew, and I had the great good fortune of attending one of these Axe Touch Dark Parties. What, pray tell, are these things? Well, first of all, it was a good thing that everyone had been sprayed down with the Axe deodorant body spray because it was a hot summer afternoon. They basically have these models grab you and handcuff you and take you into a dark room and make you eat food. And it's kind of a crazy experience, and it's one of these really cool parties, and they're putting them on all over the country, and I recommend them highly.

49:05 Sarah Silverman Thank you. Bye-bye.

49:34 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dean Kane coming up, Dreamy. Dean Kane coming up later this week. Rich Eisen from the NFL Network coming in later this week. Then next week, we got Korn and Interpol, Seth McFarland from Family Guy, Cake and Jeff Probst from Survivor. Oh, the list keeps going and going. Dear, dear friend and a funny, funny lady.

50:04 Drew Gal.

50:05 Adam Funny gal. Brassy. This one is brassy. Drew, have you seen? Have you seen her live? No. Brassy. Wow. Brassy. I'll tell you, it is R-rated and then some. I'll tell you what, don't bring the kids to this. Going to be at the Elpertal Theater. Which is that Mexican for like the port or something. Port. I think Portale is like a port.

50:33 Drew Sure. A door.

50:35 Adam Park a ship.

50:35 Drew Is it a door?

50:36 Adam Like a port.

50:37 Drew The door.

50:38 Adam It is. It is? All right.

50:41 Sarah Silverman Portal. Portal.

50:43 Adam Well, back on the Internet, Deidre. That's going to be this Thursday, this Friday on Lankersham in the NoHo District, 8 o'clock, yestero.

50:53 Drew The peace officer then could not find.

50:56 Adam We're looking for when cops started being called the peace officers.

51:00 Drew We're generally offended by that term.

51:02 Adam Yeah, I don't like that.

51:04 Drew These guys are doing their job policing an out of control society.

51:07 Adam Find the police officers. Yeah. I don't want some guy armed with a feather duster and a book by a hell of a wheeze taking down curbs. You know what I'm saying? I want to just start shooting. And by the way, all these car chases where the guy's barricaded in his car and he has all these felony warrants and we're chasing around the city for four hours. Just start pumping them full of bullets. I'm fine with that. That's fine. Oh, no problem. Here's the thing. Here's here's here's the thing. If you jump over someone's fence and you land in their backyard, maybe you're there to kill them. Maybe you're there to steal the dog food. Doesn't matter to me. Once you go over the fence, once you break the hymen of the fence and land in their yard, if you get your head blown off, you get your head blown off. That's it. That's how it works. Mallory? You're 17? What's happening, sweetie pea?

52:04 Caller Well, the person that I babysit for, she's a single parent and a recovering addict. And a couple days ago, she relapsed. And when I came to babysit for her Saturday night, she had been using that day and she told me that she was high and that she'd relapsed. And so I stayed the night with her.

52:25 Adam What was she getting high on?

52:28 Caller Crystal meth.

52:31 Adam And by the way, you spent in the night when it was like taking a cab to Connecticut. I mean, the meter's running, right?

52:38 Caller No, I just-

52:38 Adam You walked out like 600 bucks, right?

52:42 Caller No, I just stayed to make sure her son was okay and everything.

52:46 Adam Well, that's nice, EO. Yeah. All right.

52:49 Drew So now what? Yeah, what's the question?

52:51 Caller Well, when I first, when I talked to her that night, she said that she was going to tell her sponsor and her boss and DHS, which is the agency that makes sure as she's recovering that she takes care of her son and everything.

53:06 Drew That's a nice way of saying child protective services.

53:09 Adam What's it stand for?

53:10 Drew Department of Health Services.

53:13 Adam Right.

53:14 Caller And now, after talking to her boyfriend, who's also a recovering addict, he's convinced her that she doesn't need to tell anyone except her sponsor.

53:24 Drew Well, first of all, that means he's using too.

53:27 Adam Well, not necessarily. Oh, if she's using, he's using. The advice doesn't mean he's using. That's just guy advice.

53:34 Drew It is, however, a recovering person knows that you're as sick as your secrets. And a person who's allegedly in recovery encouraging secrets is not in recovery.

53:43 Adam Well, it's not secrets. It's we're going to get the kid taken away from us. We need to go talk to your sponsor and get sober. We don't need the kid taken away. Come on, Drew. Stop being the man for a second.

53:54 Sarah Silverman Yeah, she shouldn't. I mean.

53:56 Drew So what happened?

53:58 Caller Well, the reason I'm calling is I want to talk to her because I think she needs to tell all these people. And I want to, you know, I want some advice to see what I need to say to her.

54:07 Drew So she's continuing to use. She is continuing to use?

54:11 Caller No, she hasn't used since she used for a couple of days. And then when I came to babysit, she told me and she hasn't used since then, which that was her.

54:16 Drew She's back in the program. She's working diligently.

54:18 Adam Talking to her sponsor?

54:20 Caller Huh?

54:20 Adam Is she talking to her sponsor?

54:22 Caller I don't think she's told her sponsor yet.

54:24 Drew That's the most important thing. The boyfriend is right in that regard. What's important is, listen, relapses are normal in recovery. People relapse all the time in recovery. But as long as they get back in the program, don't sustain the relapse, get going again, that's fine. But she needs to be completely honest. She needs to raise her hand as a newcomer in a meeting. And Mallory, you're 17. You're not to be taking care of amphetamine addicts. This is not your job. If you need to report it to whomever, go ahead. But for her sake, her recovery requires that she be honest with everybody in the program.

54:51 Adam What's up, Mallory? Is someone an alcoholic in your family?

54:57 Drew Yeah, she was busy. Shocking. So one thing you can do to help yourself, Mallory, and we'll do more to help her than anything else, is for you to go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor yourself, and work the steps so you can take all these sorts of the feelings and questions you have about how to handle this back to your sponsor.

55:11 Adam Yeah, and not for her, just your dad was an alcoholic, so you should go to Al-A-Teen.

55:16 Drew Right, and as a matter of fact, it will help your friend.

55:19 Adam All right, baby doll, so don't worry so much about her. I know you worry about the child. If she's getting sober, so be it. Oh, nothing better than the meth heads with the kids. Kid really would be in better shape if you just got one of those water balloon launchers, the one made out of these surgical tubing, and just face them toward like Mecca or Arizona or something and just fire the kid. See if you can hit the moon. And have a better life. Better life. All right, Mallory, sorry about your dad. You sound like a good person. You're not going to fix dad via this.

55:53 Drew Or fix him.

55:54 Adam And go to Al-A-Teen, please.

55:55 Drew Al-Anon.

55:55 Adam All right, Al-Anon. All right? All right. And good times, though, right? Yeah, great times. All right, baby doll. Come on. Take care of yourself. All right, you're smart. You're beautiful. You don't want to say I'm handsome?

56:11 Drew No. Okay.

56:11 Adam All right, it's just when I, you know, when you give someone a compliment.

56:14 Drew Well, yeah, it's a lot.

56:16 Sarah Silverman You guys are great.

56:17 Adam Yeah, we know what the kids are doing, huh? Yeah, no, it's, you know, people give us a lot of credit. Everybody was molested.

56:24 Sarah Silverman How do you know?

56:25 Adam Listen, when someone does this, their parent, they have an alcoholic parent. That's what gives them the energy.

56:30 Sarah Silverman Yeah, but it's like it should be, it's kind of nice probably for them that you guess that and you're right. It makes them feel not so alone in that what they're doing is normal. There are things that they can do.

56:47 Adam She's reacting the way anyone would react given the set of circumstances they grew up in.

56:54 Drew Humans are no different than other animals. You just put in the input and you get a certain set of behavior.

56:59 Sarah Silverman You know when you realize that when you see those birth videos?

57:03 Adam Yeah.

57:04 Drew That's when the whole animal thing comes home for you.

57:06 Adam Yeah, it's a disaster.

57:08 Drew I remember last time Sarah was here she became violent when she even so much as looked at her vagina.

57:13 Adam Yeah.

57:14 Sarah Silverman I didn't look at my vagina in front of you guys.

57:16 Adam Yeah, well you did and you didn't like it much.

57:20 Every time I look at my vagina I want to punch somebody.

57:26 Adam Carina?

57:27 Caller Yeah.

57:28 Adam Once in a while Drew sets up Anderson and then two days later. All right, Carina. What's up?

57:35 Caller Oh nothing. I was just wondering like if my boyfriend has a premature ejaculation problem or if he's just doing that on his own.

57:43 Drew No, guys don't do anything on their own when it comes to when they ejaculate.

57:47 Adam What do you mean is he doing it on his own?

57:49 Drew It's volitional. Like he's doing to offend her. There's no amount of volition that can determine that for a guy.

57:55 Caller But it's like, put it this way, okay, I took away his virginity, right? And the thing is that our first sex, it was-

58:00 Adam Don't get away. Had he been abusing it?

58:03 Caller It was great, put it that way. It was just like the best in the world. And then now every time like we would do it after that, he would finish like within the minute or two minutes. And then like probably last week we did it again. He kept it up there for like an hour and a half.

58:20 Caller Oh, really?

58:23 Drew He's been masturbating, trying to get himself in shape to handle this.

58:28 Adam Yeah. And for some guys, it's a spin of a roulette wheel. You never know where that ball is going to land.

58:36 Drew But really, it's cleaning the pipes.

58:38 Caller Also, what's it called? Is there certain days that a girl can't get pregnant?

58:44 Drew Yes, but you don't know when those days are.

58:46 Adam I'll tell you when that is. The 12th of never. I've got to tell you right now, Missy. You can get pregnant right now. You understand?

58:55 Caller Yeah, like the first time we did it, right? The condom had popped.

59:01 Drew Okay, so you should get the morning after pill.

59:02 Adam Now, was that when you had taken away his virginity? Okay, hold on a second. Karina sounds, Karina's 16. She's going to be pregnant before Christmas.

59:12 Drew I'd say she intends to be pregnant.

59:14 Adam And here's the thing, by the way. We talk to people who are basically riding a motorcycle with no helmet and only when it's raining and only when they're really high. It's like, how many miles? And what's the over under before this guy gets clipped? What do we got? Three weeks? Five weeks? He's not going to make it five years. Carina is the pregnancy version of that. The thing popped, she'd take away virginity.

59:41 Drew They broke, they popped.

59:43 Adam You hit them hard enough, they'll go. Wow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's a mess.

59:48 Drew Sometimes they explode?

59:50 Adam The novelty ones, yeah.

59:52 Drew Oh, product line.

59:53 Adam There's an idea. Let me tell you, if there were such thing as a novelty exploding condoms, your boyfriend Kimmel would be first in line.

1:00:03 Sarah Silverman But who is it a trick on?

1:00:04 Drew Well, you theoretically.

1:00:07 Adam It's the lady, the guy, everybody.

1:00:10 Drew It could be a whoopee condom, too.

1:00:11 Adam Yeah. All right. Hold on a second. Carina? So what are you using for birth control now that this guy orgasms so quickly?

1:00:22 Caller I don't use any birth control.

1:00:23 Drew We don't use hormone protection. You're probably pregnant now.

1:00:26 Caller No, the thing is that this happened last year in November, and we've been doing it since, and I still haven't gotten pregnant.

1:00:32 Drew Well, you will be.

1:00:33 Sarah Silverman Good for you. Good for you.

1:00:35 Adam You are a genius. Genius. And it's like, oh yeah, I smoke three packs a day. It's been five years. I don't have cancer.

1:00:43 Drew I run through that red light every day. I haven't eclipsed yet.

1:00:46 Adam This girl's like drama.

1:00:48 Sarah Silverman She's looking for drama.

1:00:53 Adam Part of it is drama, and then there's lazy, and then there's stupid. And then there's just sort of superstitious, which is, well, I haven't gotten pregnant so far. Corrina, what's going on with you? You're 16. You're going to be pregnant before you're 17.

1:01:07 Sarah Silverman Don't be an idiot.

1:01:08 Adam Is that what you're looking for?

1:01:09 Caller Well, kind of.

1:01:11 Caller You know, it's because, like, really, I've never felt like this about anyone before.

1:01:14 Drew Yeah, she wants to get... How old was your mom when she got pregnant the first time? Not just when she had you the first time.

1:01:19 Adam Her mom is actually 15. She's younger than Corrina.

1:01:22 Drew How old was your mom the first time?

1:01:23 Caller Right, um, 20.

1:01:25 Drew First pregnancy?

1:01:26 Caller Yeah.

1:01:27 Drew Not you?

1:01:29 Adam You're the oldest? And how many brothers and sisters do you have?

1:01:35 Sarah Silverman Did your father leave?

1:01:37 Caller Yeah, my parents are divorced.

1:01:39 Drew Shocking.

1:01:40 Adam So your mom's got five, your mom has five kids and you're the oldest?

1:01:46 Drew She gave birth on the 20th. She was pregnant when she was 19.

1:01:49 Adam Yeah, which is considered an old maid in her family. Alright, Corrina, what's the plan, though? I mean, I know it sounds like we're coming down on you here, but it's only because we care.

1:02:01 Drew You're going to get pregnant.

1:02:02 Adam What are you going to do?

1:02:03 Drew How are you going to afford the diapers, the formula? Are you going to drop out of school? Are you going to get a job?

1:02:07 Caller Is that the plan? The thing is that I really want to graduate and everything like that.

1:02:12 Drew Hold on, but what's the plan for the baby? Who's going to fund all that, those hundreds and hundreds of dollars?

1:02:18 Caller His parents have agreed to it and also my mom. It's like my mom season as the son already and he already proposed. As weird as that may seem.

1:02:25 Sarah Silverman What is wrong with these people? You're 16, you're not even pregnant yet. You don't have to get pregnant and your parents are already talking about we'll raise the kid, we'll give you money?

1:02:36 Caller Yeah, kind of.

1:02:38 Sarah Silverman That's retarded. Get a puppy.

1:02:40 Caller I know puppies are wonderful, but my mom I know puppies are wonderful, get a puppy!

1:02:44 Adam Wow, Sarah. Bitter.

1:02:50 Sarah Silverman It's just crazy, I can't stand hearing that. It's just so stupid. You're being stupid.

1:02:54 Adam Yes, you are. Karina, not only are you being stupid, but you're being selfish. You're negatively impacting another person's life. You're here's where you're at now.

1:03:07 Drew And her own life too, by the way.

1:03:09 Adam Yes, I don't care about you. Here's what you're doing. You could do a fine job as a mother eight or ten years from now. Now you're raising a child as a partial child and you're not being fair to the child.

1:03:25 Sarah Silverman Do something. Contribute to this. Contribute.

1:03:28 Drew You think the baby is going to bond you to this man, this male?

1:03:33 Sarah Silverman It won't.

1:03:34 Caller No, I don't think it will. I mean, I really don't need the baby or whatever. It's just that I kind of want one.

1:03:43 Sarah Silverman If you wanted a baby so bad, why don't you adopt a baby, then? There are so many babies in this world that are not loved. Why don't you adopt one, then?

1:03:53 Drew Because no adoption agency on Earth. There's an interesting comment here. She's allowed to have babies as many as she wants, but not an agency on the planet would offer up a baby to a 16-year-old.

1:04:05 Sarah Silverman Because when you have a baby when you're 16, you are being an animal. You're being an animal.

1:04:10 Adam Yes. Well, look, I agree. And, you know, we talked about it many times. I wish it is the source, it is the farm team for all trouble in this society. It is the future prison population. Are these children unemployed? The substance abusers? This is all of them, and this is it. I mean, look, all right, I gotta go on a quick rant here.

1:04:39 Drew And that is that not all teen parents end up with disturbed children. It's just, it stacks the cards strongly against you and the child.

1:04:48 Adam Yeah, here's the deal. We don't have to worry about Drew's kids, we don't have to worry about Jimmy's kids, we don't have to worry about many people we know's children because they come from, there's some money, there's some stability, there's parents who care, their parents aren't high on drugs, all right, occasional pot brownie, but that's when he's off with the kids. The point is, is they come from a stable environment. They're going to go to college, they're not being physically abused, no sexual abuse, no alcohol abuse, whatever. They're fine. We don't have to worry about them. I guarantee that Drew's triplets are not going to be part of the problem in the future. They're not going to be in the joint, they're not going to be on welfare, the sons aren't going to be beating the crap out of their wives, the cops aren't going to be showing up every other week to break up the fight and the domestic violence. We don't have to worry about them. Now just times that are populous. The people you know who come from stability and have parents that stay together, and I don't care what color you are, and I don't really even care about how much money you have, as long as you have enough to support your kids, check them off the list. Don't have to worry about it. Now who do we have to worry about? Who are going to be? Who are the next violent criminals? Who's going to end up in prison? Who's going to end up strung out on drugs? Who's going to be the next perpetrator of violence and substance abuse and all that? These kids, broken families, young single moms, this whole bit, this is where, this is the pond that they're being hatched in. Now, as a society, it would be smart just to solely focus on that pond. This is where they're all coming from. We don't have to check every lake in Minnesota. We found the lake. It's screwed up. And yeah, once in a while, sure, one of Drew's kids may take a life, you don't know, crime of passion. Who knows? The point is they'll have adequate representation. They're not going to do any time. Once in a while, a kid goes south to get the Menendez brothers, but even then you got the abuse of that. Okay, I don't want to digress. The point is, there's a pond that 95% of the next generation of criminals, welfare moms, drug abusers, where, it's all coming from this one pond, let's focus on it. As a society, we don't look at it. We got Bush and Kerry talking about war that was 30 years ago. We got them talking about seniors and Medicaid and Canadian pharmaceuticals and everything but this. If we focused on this, that'd be it. Sleep with your doors open at night. Don't have to lock them anymore. Why? It's a bunch of Drew's kids running around. You think they're kicking in your door? Leave the door open. Leave your laptop on the passenger seat or car in the windows down and the key the ignition. Why? It's Drew's kids. You think he's gonna steal them? No! This is where they're all coming from. This is what we need to focus on. And I'm not saying we need to poison the pond. I'm just saying we need to focus on for their sake.

1:07:43 Sarah Silverman They need attention. That's why they're like that way in the first place because there's, it's not money that makes the kids normal. It's the attention. It's the parents being involved. Right. And having life experience to, you know, to inform how they raise the kids.

1:07:57 Adam That's right. We need to intervene for Carina on her behalf and on her unborn child's behalf.

1:08:04 Sarah Silverman The parental influence she clearly doesn't have.

1:08:07 Adam Right. And you stop Carina from cranking out the kids. You, all of a sudden the prison population melts away and on summer nights we all sleep with the screen doors.

1:08:19 Sarah Silverman If you, if there was a law that you could not have kids until you were 21, the prison population would be reduced.

1:08:26 Adam That's right.

1:08:26 Sarah Silverman Unbelievably.

1:08:27 Adam Of course. But again, we will not look at that as a society at all. Everyone's an individual, every child, we can't play God, it becomes a racial thing and then it all just goes to hell and everyone's scared to talk about it. So all we talk about is building more prisons. We're gonna build more prisons, we're gonna get more cops. Why build more prisons and get more cops? Why not just stop the steady stream of New Felons?

1:08:50 Sarah Silverman Teach the village to fish.

1:08:53 Adam That's right. That's right. You give the village a fish, Drew, he eats for a day, unless it's like a, you know, like a mackerel or like a walleye or something. It's a couple days. Yeah, I mean if you got a heavy fish, sure.

1:09:07 Sarah Silverman And you have the proper refrigeration.

1:09:08 Adam Sure.

1:09:09 Drew Or that huge dolphin that you...

1:09:10 Adam I caught a mahi-mahi. Or if you got them, like, large salmon and they dried it. And they salted it.

1:09:22 Drew But the point is...

1:09:23 Adam Yeah, that's true. Okay, but you give them that and they eat for, what, six or eight weeks. But you teach them to fish and they don't end up in the joint.

1:09:32 Drew Oh, I see.

1:09:32 Adam I think that's what Sarah's saying. Alright, let's take a quick BJ call, get back on track. Mary?

1:09:40 Drew Yes.

1:09:40 Adam You're 22?

1:09:42 Caller Yes.

1:09:42 Adam What's up?

1:09:44 Caller I just had a quick question. Can you able to get like a sore throat or even like strep throat from just doing blow jobs?

1:09:54 Adam Yeah, happened to me in college.

1:09:56 Drew Well, you can get a sore throat various means. Yes, there can be bacteria down there. Yes, you can get herpes. Yes, you can get chlamydia that way. Yes, you can get gonorrhea that way. All those things are sore throats.

1:10:07 Adam But if the person doesn't have anything, if the guy on the business end of the joint does not have a disease, you're not going to manufacture one, are you?

1:10:15 Drew It's more to just irritate things.

1:10:17 Sarah Silverman But you're taking that risk. That's why it's called the job.

1:10:20 Adam Yeah. You understand? It's not called a blow vacation. It's called a blow job. All right, I agree with Sarah.

1:10:28 Caller Okay, because I know he doesn't have anything because I know of. And the thing is that...

1:10:33 Drew You know that he doesn't have anything that you know of.

1:10:35 Adam No, because she knows him, I think.

1:10:37 Drew Because you know him.

1:10:39 Caller Right, and the thing is that the last two times that we've done something, the very next day I come back and I literally have strep throat.

1:10:47 Drew Well, you don't have strep throat because no one's cultured you to see if it's a strep. You have a sore throat.

1:10:51 Adam No, literally.

1:10:52 Caller I've gone to the doctor and I have to get in a biologist.

1:10:54 Drew You've been cultured for strep and you have strep.

1:10:57 Caller Right.

1:10:58 Caller Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

1:10:59 Drew They did a scraping of your throat and cultured it and it turned up strep.

1:11:04 Caller Right, both times.

1:11:06 Adam Drew, just please apologize to her.

1:11:07 Drew They didn't just put you on antibiotics, they actually did the culture.

1:11:10 Caller No, they did. So I met him, it's four weeks ago and then two weeks after when we did it, then it was two weeks ago, well that was like four weeks ago, and then the very next day I went on the Saturday, I came home on Sunday, I had the sore throat and I went to the doctor and she said, yes, it's strep throat. Then two weeks later, it's again.

1:11:31 Sarah Silverman Did you just get, you didn't kiss him, you just did oral sex, it didn't occur to you that it came from the kissing? It had to be the blowjob, the BJ?

1:11:44 Caller Because he doesn't have it. I mean he's completely fine.

1:11:50 Drew This whole thing is not right. Something's very very wrong with this.

1:11:53 Sarah Silverman Bogus.

1:11:54 Drew No no, not bogus, but just the way she's being tested. Do you know what kind of I mean the doctor can't do a culture if she walks out of the room and walks back and says yes you have strep throat.

1:12:05 Caller Right, they call me up the very next morning and say it's been positive and then you need to get antibiotics and then I have to go.

1:12:10 Drew No, that's the streptolysin test. That's different.

1:12:13 Adam It is?

1:12:13 Drew Yeah. Because it's just different. It's a screening test and I can see where that could be inaccurate with this situation. You've got to tell the doctor what's going on here so they can properly screen you, why you're concerned, what the issues are and get this looked at more carefully, more appropriately. That's probably a pediatrician.

1:12:30 Adam Really?

1:12:30 Sarah Silverman Have you ever had a, oh sorry.

1:12:32 Adam Go ahead, go ahead.

1:12:33 Sarah Silverman Have you, is she still there?

1:12:34 Drew Yeah.

1:12:35 Sarah Silverman Have you ever had a broken leg?

1:12:37 Caller No.

1:12:38 Sarah Silverman Broken arm?

1:12:40 Drew What?

1:12:40 Caller I've had like a sprain ankle and...

1:12:43 Adam You turned it when you're blowing a guy in high school or something?

1:12:45 Caller No, no, no, no.

1:12:46 Adam That's not all BJ stuff?

1:12:47 Drew Where was this doctor you were saying?

1:12:50 Caller My doctor, my regular doctor.

1:12:51 Drew And what kind of doctor is that?

1:12:54 Caller And adult medicine?

1:12:55 Drew An internist? An internist?

1:12:58 Caller Yes.

1:12:59 Adam Alright.

1:13:00 Drew Talk to him or her about what the situation is.

1:13:04 Adam Drew, when should you get rid of your pediatric doctor?

1:13:07 Drew I think 16.

1:13:08 Adam 16. Cause you don't want to start... You don't want to be like 33 and in there it's like, well, my boyfriend was giving it to me in the ass and then I began the oral and I think I may have gotten a staph infection. You don't want that with the guy who was putting a gold bond on your tocus when you were two, right?

1:13:24 Drew What you're talking about that, in the meantime he's got concerns about the baby with meningitis in the next room. It's like, no. But there's some pediatricians that do train in adolescent medicine but they can't go between babies and adolescents.

1:13:36 Adam Plus it's got to be weird too when it's like oh, she got pink eye from the semen. Well, take a lollipop and we'll call you with the best results. Alright.

1:13:46 Caller Alright. Let's...

1:13:48 Adam Drew, was your dad your doctor?

1:13:50 Drew A little bit, some of the time.

1:13:51 Adam Oh, really? Oh. No boundaries. No boundaries. No boundaries. Drew has told me many times even though he is a doctor himself, he would never help his child. Even if they were drowning in a pool. That's what I heard. Sarah Silverman is here tonight. She's going to be at the Alport Town Theater coming up this Thursday, this Friday at 8 o'clock. No ho. My ex hometown. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:14:19 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

1:14:24 Adam What are women most attracted to?

1:14:26 Drew Confident guys.

1:14:27 Adam That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

1:14:31 Drew What do we got?

1:14:32 Adam You got Axe deodorant body spray.

1:14:34 Drew Oh my God.

1:14:34 Adam Spray that on. It's like slathering on the confidence. Hey, everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam Netts, Dr. Drew, your dear friend, clumsy friend, Sarah Silverman, in tonight, and truly...

1:15:07 Sarah Silverman Thank you. Hi, everybody.

1:15:09 Adam One of the funniest females in the United States. And beautiful. Ow! Really has, and a good, it has carved out a great career for herself, you know? I think is a comedian's comedian. Comedian. I put a third one in there. Because she's a dear, dear, dear friend. No, she's a dear, dear, dear friend who's the comedian's comedian, comedian. She is cool. I don't know anybody who doesn't think she's hysterical. And, you know, think about, you know, comics or funny people in general. They're very competitive. They like to snipe at others.

1:15:47 Caller Very true.

1:15:47 Adam Oh, they love to do that. And I don't see why, you know what I mean? They don't do that with Sarah.

1:15:52 Caller True.

1:15:53 Adam Funny.

1:15:53 Caller That's nice.

1:15:54 Adam Yeah, they do. She's very well respected within the community. All right. You ready, Drew? Let's talk to Jimmy, who's 24. Jimmy?

1:16:06 Caller Hey, how's it going?

1:16:08 Adam Good. How are you doing?

1:16:08 Caller Adam, long, long time listener, first time caller. And you know what? I know what venison is and I know about the axis of the allies powers and not every single listener is an idiot. But at any rate.

1:16:22 Drew Well, hang on. We should test him. Hold on a second, Jimmy.

1:16:25 Caller I didn't open my mouth, huh?

1:16:26 Adam No, no, that's fine. Let's just keep moving. And by the way, we're talking about your call during the break. Says girlfriend's a virgin, nervous about sex. Should he go slow?

1:16:35 Caller Well, I just met this girl and I'm really into her. And things are going well.

1:16:41 Caller We're compatible on all these great levels, but actually...

1:16:46 Adam Hold on. How old is she?

1:16:49 Caller She's 20.

1:16:50 Caller OK.

1:16:51 Adam And she's a virgin?

1:16:52 Caller Yeah, she's a virgin. She never really has. I started having sex when I was in high school and she's never really had serious relationships with boyfriends. She's never performed oral and that sort of thing.

1:17:05 Drew Now, why hasn't she had a real relationship before?

1:17:08 Caller I, to be honest, I'm not really 100% sure. I think she's just one of those people that was always hyper-poking on everyone.

1:17:15 Sarah Silverman I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 20? I was 19 before I had a boyfriend or didn't.

1:17:20 Drew Doing anything having a boyfriend are two different things though. She's never had a relationship, he said.

1:17:25 Adam Hold on a second, because I'm going to give them a couple options here. You have a religious fanatic, you have formerly 150 pounds overweight, and then you got the diddled by stepdad at nine.

1:17:40 Sarah Silverman That's not the only options. There's also the, she could be very cool, because this guy sounds cool, it sounds like he'd be into a cool girl. Maybe she's went to a small school where there were no cool guys.

1:17:53 Adam It's becoming very cathartic now.

1:17:56 Drew Super cathartic.

1:17:57 Adam Cool guys like Jimmy Kimmel?

1:17:59 Sarah Silverman Yes. I don't see why that's funny, Adam.

1:18:05 Adam It's not, it's not. I'm just saying.

1:18:10 Sarah Silverman I'm just saying. I heard one of the greatest stories I've ever heard ever about you. Maybe you told it to me.

1:18:17 Adam Really?

1:18:17 Drew About Adam?

1:18:19 Adam What is it?

1:18:19 Sarah Silverman I think, maybe I haven't heard it on here, so I don't think it's anything. It was you're hanging out in your house, you were naked because you were maybe going about to go into the shower, about to come out of the shower, something like that. Do you know?

1:18:33 Drew He's got many stories.

1:18:34 Sarah Silverman I don't think this is a long time ago.

1:18:35 Drew That moment has a thousand stories attached to it.

1:18:38 Sarah Silverman You know how when you let gas, you like to scoop it in and smell it? You like to pull it towards the nose?

1:18:44 Adam I do. I do that.

1:18:46 Sarah Silverman You don't know where I'm going at?

1:18:48 Adam Oh, I crapped in my hand?

1:18:49 Sarah Silverman Yes.

1:18:50 Adam No, that was...

1:18:52 Sarah Silverman I heard that was like three weeks ago. Is that so many stories ago?

1:18:56 Adam Yeah, since when is it like 16 days, three weeks ago? Let me tell you something. All right, I'm just going to be honest now. I've never spoken about my ass before in this program.

1:19:10 Sarah Silverman Really? No.

1:19:11 Drew Never, never.

1:19:12 Adam Not in the last 20 minutes, at least. Here's the thing. I will reflexively cup my ass and scoop it toward my face, especially if I'm alone and especially if I'm naked. And I was running up my stairs. This is what made it bad. And Drew, I don't know how it works with most guys, but every 30-second loaf I pinch is a loose stool. Yes?

1:19:42 Drew Yes.

1:19:43 Adam Drew, are you there with me?

1:19:44 Drew I'm there.

1:19:45 Adam Once a month, it comes out.

1:19:46 Drew As you get older, that's once every 20.

1:19:49 Adam Look for that to step up. Okay, I'm gonna have to curtail some of my behaviors. So here's the thing. Every, you know.

1:19:55 Drew You never know when that one's coming. No warning.

1:19:57 Adam Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing, once a month, it comes out like, you know, cake frosting out of the exhaust pipe of a Plymouth, you know what I mean? And you don't, yeah, it's not like, oh, my stomach's been giving me some trouble. No, just pow, just, oh, you look down the toilet. I'm surprised. Instead, I was not looking down at the toilet this time, though, I was halfway up a staircase. I was jogging up the staircase nude, about six steps into it, I realized, oh, I got something brewing. I slid the hand back there. Thank God I did, thank God I did, because I brought back a handful of something. I'm guessing it was something from the night before, because it was the morning.

1:20:40 Drew This is the cake frosting.

1:20:41 Adam Yeah, I got brought back a handful of cake frosting. Thankfully, I stopped before I got to my face.

1:20:46 Drew Midway, I'm sure, midway. It didn't stop back, it came halfway.

1:20:49 Adam No, I scraped it on a playing card and brought it to work with me. But the point is, is I had a handful full of me, and I thought, wow, bad times. I thought, well, it's a good thing I was naked. Then I thought, it's a good thing I do have the handcuffing policy. Then I thought, best to not do this when I'm running upstairs.

1:21:10 Sarah Silverman How do you explain this to Lynette once you get to the top of the stairs when you have a handful?

1:21:14 Adam She had left for work. Thankfully. I had to do a little cleanup on L9. Really?

1:21:24 Caller Oh, my goodness.

1:21:25 Drew What did you use?

1:21:26 Caller Paper towel?

1:21:26 Adam My hand was not able to capture my entire-

1:21:29 Drew Oh, what a shame. A little spray?

1:21:31 Adam Self. A little residual, what we call collateral damage on one of the stair treads.

1:21:36 Drew What did you use?

1:21:38 Adam Now, here's the bad part. Probably nothing. Hardwood stair tread. Little bounty. I'm going to be renting the house out, so no long-term problems there. So yeah, just doing a paper towel.

1:21:52 Sarah Silverman I have a feeling that even if Lynette was there, you guys, you don't need words.

1:21:56 Adam Yeah. We've transcended words. That's why we stop talking.

1:21:59 Drew It would be the usual look of disgust that I see.

1:22:01 Sarah Silverman She'd look at the hand. She'd look at you. She'd continue down the stairs.

1:22:05 Adam I do that talk to the hand and she throws up. I'm glad you've seen your craps.

1:22:13 Sarah Silverman You know what? You're like the opposite of a black person. You're white and the palms of your hands are brown.

1:22:21 Adam Yeah, that's very good.

1:22:23 Sarah Silverman Yeah, because, yeah, it's a fun little fun fact tidbit.

1:22:26 Adam Yeah. Yeah. But only my left hand is my hand.

1:22:29 Drew Oh, that's your hand. That's your wafting hand.

1:22:31 Adam You know, I kind of have to do it.

1:22:33 Drew Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm going to do it right handed.

1:22:35 Sarah Silverman I guess I'm ambidextrous.

1:22:37 Adam Yeah. I'm good. I can I can walk from both sides of the plate. So Jimmy.

1:22:44 Caller Yeah.

1:22:44 Adam Sorry for that.

1:22:46 Caller No worries, my friend. You.

1:22:49 Adam So anyway, virgin girlfriend, 20 years of age.

1:22:53 Caller Yeah.

1:22:54 Adam She seems fine.

1:22:55 Drew Except we didn't hear that part about her.

1:22:56 Caller She seems normal. She has. She went to an all girls Catholic school. She's not like hyper religious. That just kind of happened to be where she went. And I asked her why. And she just said she never found anybody worth it.

1:23:08 Adam All right. Good answers.

1:23:10 Sarah Silverman This is going to be good. She's going to go crazy.

1:23:13 Caller And I'm cool with that. I really like her. I'm not trying to like rush it and get in her pants real quick. But on the flip side of the coin, I do really like her.

1:23:24 Caller Get there. And all right.

1:23:25 Caller Well, I'm not sure how to broach it and how to push it gently and without freaking her out. And, you know.

1:23:30 Caller All right.

1:23:30 Drew Well, see, already all that kind of anxiety suggests to me there's more going on here than just couldn't find the right guy. Well, there's something up with his anxiety, though.

1:23:39 Adam What about I don't think it's her anxiety.

1:23:40 Sarah Silverman Does she does she have stress about it?

1:23:43 Caller I'm sorry. One more time.

1:23:44 Sarah Silverman Is she stressed about it?

1:23:45 Drew Um, he's afraid to bring it up with her even.

1:23:49 Caller We've kind of talked about it and she said it just makes her uncomfortable and she's not really sure why. I don't think she's had anybody screw with her when she was younger or anything, but, you know.

1:23:58 Adam Wait till she starts crying halfway into it and you're just like, no, you have to hurry up.

1:24:02 Sarah Silverman Well, don't scare him more, though.

1:24:05 Adam All right. I'm sorry.

1:24:05 Drew There's something up here.

1:24:06 Adam Look, OK, something may be up. We don't know for sure. A lot of people, by the way, it's your virginity is sort of like a circumcision. If you put it off too long, it gets worse and worse and worse.

1:24:20 Drew But she's not saying, I intend to save this till marriage. And that's what she's not saying that.

1:24:25 Adam No, she's a freak.

1:24:26 Drew I'm freaked out. I can't talk about this.

1:24:28 Adam Well, OK, but it could be first off, she could have a little something funky downstairs. A lot of women are self-conscious, for instance. That could just be one of the one of the factors. All right, Drew's got a puss on. Here's the thing. We don't know what the answer is. You should keep your relationship going.

1:24:46 Drew Here's what you do. Take it slow. You proceed as though she's a normal person. If she spins out on you, it's because there's something wrong. If you bring up normal topics that young adults bring up and discuss them in the context of what seems to be a stable relationship, and she can't handle that discussion, there's something wrong. OK. And by the way, an appropriate response on her part is, hey, you know what? I'm going to stay a virgin till we're married. That's just my value. That's fine. But that's not, I can't talk about this. I'm freaked out.

1:25:16 Adam I just had an idea, by the way, for myself.

1:25:19 Drew It's about the hand wafting again?

1:25:21 Adam Yeah. And this cramping in the hand was a little bit of a wake-up call.

1:25:25 Drew You ought to walk around with a high-lie mitt on.

1:25:28 Adam That's not bad. I would tend to throw it.

1:25:32 Drew That's what I'm saying.

1:25:33 Adam My idea is for a belt mud flap. This, you know, it's got Yosemite Sam sing back off. It's made of vulcanizer rubber.

1:25:42 Caller And it's just a belt.

1:25:43 Adam You put on... It's not going to stop the problem, but it will stop a lot of residual damage.

1:25:48 Drew The spray you got. You just wash the mud flap.

1:25:50 Adam Yeah, hose the mud flap off. Yes, Sarah.

1:25:54 Sarah Silverman I totally forgot that when that story about you circulated at the... recently is that when the gazebo parties and Jimmy's mom was there and she got totally inspired and she said she's going to... maybe I shouldn't ruin the surprise. She said she's going to make this thing for you so that you can smell your own farts. It's like a little... like a tube that you put in your tuchus cheeks as close to the anus as possible. And then it's a tube that goes to like a funnel, like one of those oxygen masks. And you put it to your mouth, to your nose, rather.

1:26:39 Drew The problem is to get the flow down the tube. It's such a narrow gauge tube. the rate of flow...

1:26:46 Adam Listen, I don't... I hope Jimmy's not listening.

1:26:49 Sarah Silverman No, because if you breathe in with your nose strongly, won't it suck it up?

1:26:52 Adam I don't mean any disrespect to his mother, but she said that she would help me perform oral on myself many years ago and has never come through. So she does make some sort of... she does make empty promises as far as that goes.

1:27:08 Drew And these are very touching and important topics for you too.

1:27:11 Adam I told her there were two things I wanted to do. I wanted to perform oral on myself and I wanted a steady stream of my own gas, possibly at the same time.

1:27:20 Drew These are poignant and tender issues for you, of course.

1:27:22 Sarah Silverman I think both could be achieved through yoga.

1:27:25 Adam You know what? You may be right.

1:27:27 Sarah Silverman Why do you think Daniel takes yoga every day?

1:27:29 Drew For those two reasons, of course.

1:27:32 Adam So we can smell my farts? Daniel's one of our partners over at Jack Hall. I just wanted to get that out. What are we doing here?

1:27:42 Drew We're taking a break?

1:27:43 Adam We're taking a break. Hold on. Laura? You're 18? Your fiance got in a car wreck and there was another girl in the car. And she was a passenger in your fiance's car. She was. And you think this is suspicious?

1:28:02 Caller Well, I'm kind of, you know, yeah, suspicious because we, since the talk in August, we hadn't really told each other exactly what we do all the time. And so, and then like...

1:28:16 Adam Well, I remember reading transcripts of the August talk in USA Today. Yeah. So I'm pretty pressed. I'm caught up on that. But I didn't know things hadn't changed since the August talk.

1:28:27 Drew The talk in August.

1:28:28 Adam Yes. Let's take a little break. Dear, dear friend Sarah Silverman is here tonight. Going to be at the El Portel. Coming up Thursday and Friday out here in North Hollywood. We'll take a break. We'll come back with Laura after this. Say it's love line, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Forget about that phone number. We don't got time for your past calls. Thank you. Sarah Silverman is in studio tonight. Your dear, dear friend going to be at the Elpertown Theater, Thursday and Friday in North Hollywood on Lankersham, eight o'clock. Tickets available. And they're making a movie. So you can be part of history.

1:29:47 Caller Laura?

1:29:49 Adam 18. Now, your boyfriend got in a car accident, and your fiance got in a car accident.

1:29:53 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:29:53 Adam Is he okay?

1:29:55 Caller Yeah, he's fine. I mean, it was a miracle, pretty much, car crash. But the thing was...

1:30:02 Drew Who was the girl in the car?

1:30:05 Caller He says he's a friend. I haven't really asked him about it, because he's coming this weekend. And that's when I'm going to ask him, just pretty much the truth, just everything I want to know.

1:30:16 Adam He lives out of town, does he?

1:30:20 Caller Yeah. He moved away in June, last June. And I met him last year, and we got engaged in May. But pretty much like July, everything just kind of went downhill.

1:30:31 Adam He moved away in June, and he met him last year.

1:30:34 Drew Last May.

1:30:34 Adam Engaged in May.

1:30:36 Sarah Silverman You got engaged, and he moved away a month later.

1:30:38 Caller A month later, yeah.

1:30:41 Adam Okay, so you got engaged, and then he moved.

1:30:43 Caller Well, he already had plans to move. But then in May, he asked me to marry him. We even got the rings and everything.

1:30:50 Drew Why did he move?

1:30:53 Caller Oh, he was going to school, and then he got a job over there.

1:30:57 Adam All right. And did he move back to the town where he was from?

1:31:03 Caller No. He's from here, Texas. And he's still in California. And, I mean, he's come back a few times, and then he came back in August, and that's when things were really bad.

1:31:17 Adam All right, well, now, why do you...

1:31:18 Drew Things were really bad.

1:31:19 Adam Really bad. What do you mean?

1:31:21 Caller Well, like, we... I didn't hear from him as much anymore, and then when he came down in August, we had this talk, and he told me, I just want to be up front with you, and I wanted to talk to you in person. I don't want to do it through phone. So we had to talk, and he told me we... He feels like we need a break. He feels like he's pulling me down. And he still wants to be committed to me, but he just doesn't want the label of girlfriend and boyfriend, but he wants to be committed, and he still wants to wear the ring.

1:31:55 Adam Thank you.

1:31:55 Caller We're just not going to talk as much anymore.

1:31:58 Drew So we're not going to talk.

1:32:01 Adam By the way, I was...

1:32:02 Drew This guy's an idiot.

1:32:04 Caller He's totally having sex with other girls.

1:32:06 Adam But he looked in the eye, he came over, said, I'm the opposite, I'm like, look, we're going to break up. Up, up, up, up, I'm going to go home and call you. Stay here.

1:32:13 Drew But now that, I don't want to waste your time. We're done.

1:32:16 Adam Yeah.

1:32:17 Drew This guy's... I'm going to see you face to face and let me just tell you, I'm thoroughly committed to you. I'm going to wear your ring wherever I go, especially when I'm with the thick girls.

1:32:24 Adam Drew, let's focus on the call, though. The point is, he's an a-hole and you're delusional. I mean, you can't want the relationship enough for the two of you. This guy... He told you he's done. You're 18.

1:32:38 Drew How old is this guy?

1:32:40 Caller He's 21. I thought, you know, maybe it's just the age difference.

1:32:44 Drew Whatever it is, he told you he's done.

1:32:46 Adam It's done.

1:32:47 Drew But he's such an idiot, he can't be completely honest with you. He has to keep this bizarre thread of hope alive that he's totally committed to.

1:32:55 Sarah Silverman A lot of guys do that. Not just guys, but a lot of people do that word. They want to keep the relationship because they feel safe in it. They feel like they've got a good backup, but then they go crazy, they move away, they have sex with other people, they do whatever they want, but they don't want to break up. It's total selfishness because they want that.

1:33:12 Drew They also get into, I don't want to hurt your feelings, I couldn't do that to that person. You're really hurting them by not breaking up.

1:33:18 Adam Yeah. Also, it's freaky when you're 19 or 20 or 21, the idea that we're never going to see each other again. We'll not be having sex, we'll not be talking, there'll be no contact between us. It's weird. I remember having those thoughts when I was 20. I can't believe I'm never going to see this person again.

1:33:35 Drew Now it's like, whew.

1:33:37 Sarah Silverman Yeah, that's an insane proposition, right?

1:33:39 Adam So Laura, you just heard the truth. Can you move forward in your life?

1:33:46 Caller I pretty much just pretty much got to that point where I was planning on pretty much breaking up with him this week.

1:33:53 Drew He's already broke up with you. Yeah, he already broke up.

1:33:56 Adam It's like the guy quits and when he's leaving, you yell, you're fired. That's essentially what you're going to do here. All right, go ahead and do it. I want to talk to a couple of people who have been on hold for, well, one person for 100 minutes. Jessica? Sorry, baby doll. We're almost out of time. I know you've been on hold for 100 minutes. You're 24. You're a lesbian. You've been fantasizing about sex with men lately, yes?

1:34:29 Caller Rough trade. All right.

1:34:30 Drew Were you sort of abused by your dad growing up?

1:34:34 Caller Not like, like he never hit me or anything, but he was emotionally abused. I haven't talked to him since I was like 14.

1:34:41 Drew But he was brutal, right?

1:34:43 Caller Yeah.

1:34:47 Adam Well, why did he do?

1:34:49 Caller He's really religious. And I went and lived with him and he like, he lied to me about my mom and said she was horrible and she like used to abuse me and stuff like that.

1:35:05 Drew Brutality. That's brutality.

1:35:06 Adam All right. And now you're having ambivalent feelings about men and women and of course you're confused because maybe you're not biologically a lesbian. It's just your Bible thumping abusive dad who locked you in a car during the heat of the summer turned you into a lesbian. Either way, that's what you are. But now there's ambivalence and confusion. Don't act out on it. And by the way, it just because you have a dream about something doesn't mean anything.

1:35:30 Caller Right.

1:35:30 Adam Please.

1:35:31 Sarah Silverman And your fantasies aren't necessarily what you want to happen in real life. God knows.

1:35:36 Adam Yeah.

1:35:37 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:35:38 Adam Yeah. God knows. Well, not me. Actually, guys.

1:35:41 Drew Adam is going to make those mudflaps with Yosemite Samuels and he's going to do it.

1:35:46 Adam Back off. And by the way, when they're up at 90 degrees, that means it's really time to move.

1:35:51 Sarah Silverman Yeah.

1:35:51 Adam When they're flapping. Yeah, when it's like a streamer from New Year's Eve. All right. Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:36:00 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal.

1:36:02 Caller You looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:36:06 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:36:42 Adam Hey, yo, that's the show. God bless you. Thanks for listening. Dean Cain coming in later this week. Rich Eisen and then Korn, Interpol, Seth MacFarlane. Nice.

1:36:53 Caller Oh, it's all there.

1:36:54 Adam Yeah, Cake, Jeff Probst from Survivor. I want to thank Sarah Silverman, dear, dear, dear, dear friend, for coming in tonight. Thank you. Jesus Is Magic, her fantastic show. And it's going to be at the El Partel Theater, Great Theater over in the NoHo Arts District Thursday and Friday, making a concert movie. Go see it, everyone. Eight o'clock. And until next time, this Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew. Sarah, please, with the keys.

1:37:20 Sarah Silverman I'm sorry.

1:37:21 Adam Can you get out of here any faster? I'm plugging your goddamn show.

1:37:23 Sarah Silverman No, I appreciate it because I don't want to take up your time.

1:37:26 Adam All right. So until next time, this Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:37:31 Sarah Silverman It's retarded.

1:37:32 Caller Get a puppy.

1:37:33 Caller I know puppies are wonderful but my mom-

1:37:43 Adam The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold.

1:37:53 Caller Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, September 20, 2004