Episode 1000646788339

0:56 Voiceover Online is meant for an adult audience.

1:20 Hey, everybody.

1:20 Adam It's Loveline.

1:21 I'm Adam.

1:23 Adam Phone number 1-800-LME-E191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist.

1:30 Drew What's up?

1:30 Adam Yeah. What's happening?

1:32 Drew I went paintballing all day today.

1:34 Adam Yeah. I was free balling.

1:36 Drew What's that?

1:37 Adam It's not wearing underpants.

1:39 Drew Nice.

1:39 Adam Yeah. Or shorts with no underpants.

1:42 Drew Feels good?

1:42 Adam Felt nice. And then you know what I did? When it was finally time to go out of the house. Yeah, Drew. Whacked the mic with his mug. When it was time for me to go out of the house, I left the shorts on that I was freeballing in and pulled the pants over the shorts.

1:57 Drew That's a nice trick.

1:58 Adam Thus making them my underpants.

2:00 Drew Yes.

2:01 Adam Yes.

2:01 Drew You've been wearing your underpants all day.

2:03 Adam Yes. My de factoid underpants. All right. Hey, so what did you do with the paintball?

2:10 Drew Just lots of paintball all day. My kid's buddy had a birthday party and I thought, I'm going to go do this with them.

2:16 Adam Yeah. A good time?

2:17 Drew A good time.

2:18 Adam Did you get shot?

2:19 Drew I've got marks this time.

2:20 Adam Leave your shirt on, please.

2:22 Drew I won't show you.

2:22 Adam Oh, I got shot in the elbow. Yeah, here's the thing about Drew. He's lily white and he's hairless. So, you know, when he's really, he's like, he gets bruised. It's like a red wine being dropped on white carpeting. It really shows.

2:37 Drew My kids look like they've been beaten.

2:39 Adam Yeah. Good. Hope someone turns them into Child Protective Services. Yeah, it's good. It's good to shoot people, you know? I mean, with the paintball.

2:50 Drew You know, it's amazing what happens to males, particularly young males, in the face of harm.

2:55 Adam Yeah, adrenaline.

2:57 Drew But they get together, they immediately form a team. And everyone's strengths and weaknesses are immediately evident. There's a leader that emerges and it just takes five, you know, three minutes, pow, so you know who everybody is.

3:07 Adam Women would just start shooting at each other. While trying to eff each other's boyfriends. Yeah. All right, you ready to rock and roll? Let me say this.

3:15 Drew Yeah.

3:17 Adam Just filled up with gas on the way over here tonight. In a bad part of town, by the way.

3:24 Drew But with a helpful agent there at the window.

3:26 Adam Oh, oh, oh, bright eyed, blonde, college kid, must have been Ivy League.

3:33 Drew Could you see him across the board?

3:34 Adam Probably 2021, out wanting to put a spit shine on my tires, you know, putting a topping off the fluids. Oh no, wait a minute. It was a super angry Korean guy between nine inches of bulletproof glass. And by the way, that thing you talked to him through now, it somehow no longer functions. So the final indignity is in place, which is you having to talk through the drawer opening.

3:59 Drew You went to this one over in La Cienega here, didn't you?

4:01 Adam Yeah.

4:02 Drew By the freeway?

4:02 Adam The mobile. Yes. That guy's there every night. That's like this.

4:09 Drew And God forbid you went to put him through the indignity of asking for something in the store that he was standing in the middle of.

4:14 Adam I bought a quart of milk.

4:16 Drew Oh, okay.

4:16 Adam I bought a quart of milk.

4:17 Drew Oh, yeah.

4:18 Adam Let me tell you. That's what I did. I bought milk.

4:21 Drew Just to make him open the door and push it through?

4:22 Adam It's hard to tell because the glass is fuzzy and it's dimly lit inside of there.

4:27 Drew And he can't talk to the guy.

4:28 Adam No, you can't tell. Well, here's the whole thing.

4:30 Drew I couldn't tell if he could speak English, frankly, when I tried talking to him.

4:32 Adam Let me explain something about Los Angeles. Most of the folks and you know, the survey just came in last week that more than half the percent of the half of the people employed in Los Angeles are functionally illiterate. I mean, they can't read a bus schedule or whatever. At gas stations, it's got to be well into the 90s. And you wouldn't know if these people understood you if you were at a party with them. Now, you add the seven inches of Lexan in between the two of you and they're a poker that a frozen grouper with a poker face like, I mean, it's really like somebody just shot them up with Botox or something. They just stand. So it's like, hi.

5:16 Drew Yeah, no move.

5:17 Adam Yeah. So, so now you're talking and you're not sure if they hear you. So you got to do a thing where you stuff your head down in the drawer. But the drawer can't wait for like the tide of the drawer to roll out. So you can talk because when the tide comes back in, it closes.

5:30 Drew There's a drawer that that reaches out to get your money and slides it back. Yes.

5:34 Adam They always insultingly want the 75 cents for the snicker bars before they'll slide it through. True. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got a $50,000 car over there. A 40 year old guy. I'm going to grab the snicker bar and start laughing like a maniac while you report my license plate to the cops. That's my plan. That's how I bought the car. I stole thousands of snicker bars from people unsuspecting yet trusting foreigners just like you. So you got that thing where you put now your heads down in the drawer.

6:02 Yeah.

6:04 Adam Can I? And you can't get too specific now. I needed milk, but forget about the skim or two percentage. You have milk. And the guy kind of gave me that. He gave me that. Now I got to leave my post a lot.

6:18 Drew Didn't he give you the lock thing?

6:21 Adam He gave me the, I was thinking about it. He gave me the, he just gave me that. He was, he was broke. Clearly there was nothing going on. He, you know, but there was nobody in the place. I didn't even know it was open. He was probably playing a solitaire video poker for the last three hours. He went around, got the milk, said it was a price that I couldn't understand. So I gave him two dollars, which was probably more than this pint of milk was worth. And then I went back to my car. The car wasn't even halfway done fueling. And here's my point. Can't we figure this out where gas stations all sort of pump about the same speed? Because some of them, pow! And then others, you're just standing there. And it's just like, and usually you're on your way somewhere. For me, I'm going to work, of course. I'm normally only here four minutes before the show starts. Three, four minutes before the show starts. So I'm like, and then at a certain point, it's like, you know how much your car holds? And it holds 16 gallons and you're like 12 and a half. And you're thinking, I think I'm going to pack it in. I'm going to pack it in. And then you go, no, no, don't. No. Ride it out, because you'll just be back that much faster. And then you think busy work. I wonder if there's something in my ashtray that needs cleaning or maybe I'll find a squeegee and oh, no squeegees. She said there really should be something, some video poker there or something, something you could do. Some some ring toss or something. Nice. Some are really slow. Yes. And there's nothing to do but stand there and look at the thing go around.

7:49 Drew And of course, I began to think to myself, I'm going to make excuses for the gas station. Well, the price of gas is so high that it has a limiting factor of how fast the dollar thing can go around the dollar gauge.

8:00 Adam No.

8:01 Drew Therefore, we can't pump it any faster.

8:02 Adam Some are just fast and some are slow. And if you go to a slow one, it'll wreck you. Especially when you're in the dicey neighborhood and there's no one around. And the only guy who's going to offer any assistance at all will be hiding. But by the way, once the guy's done putting the bullet in you and fleeing, he'll be the first guy to get the cash out of your wallet before the cops.

8:24 Drew Oh, yeah.

8:24 Adam Absolutely. Absolutely.

8:26 Drew There we go.

8:27 Adam There's something weird about being alone in an open space in a bad neighborhood and you have a foreigner hiding in a shark cage. Like it's weird. Like here's the thing. I would rather be out in the open ocean alone than be out in the open ocean with a guy ten feet away in a shark cage. That makes me more nervous. Like I feel more vulnerable alone. I don't think about the sharks. That's true. He's in the shark cage. Now I'm going, why is he in that cage? What's he doing in that cage? He looks pretty comfortable. I had to wake him up to get the milk. All right. Is it the light? Oh, please, everyone, just please, everyone, I know millions of you move out to Los Angeles every year. Please, please. And I know, oh, fame. Oh, stardom. Oh, it's 70 degrees year round. Please be prepared to be abused at the gas station. That's all I'm saying. No, no, it's not going to be that smiley face, the kid with the wind up beanie asking if you want to use the bathroom or if you need some blue chip trading stamps. Be prepared for the stink eye of a foreigner. Do they have those anymore?

9:36 Drew Oh, God.

9:37 Adam I imagine they do.

9:37 Drew Thankfully not.

9:39 Adam Carolyn, you're 22.

9:40 Caller Yes.

9:41 Adam What's up?

9:42 Caller I've been seeing a married man for like three years now and he's like twice my age. He's 44. We've been together for a while. He's been on and off until we break up, you know, because I guess throw a hissy fit because he always tells me I don't know to the question as far as what he wants out of the relationship or where he's...

10:08 Adam Have you freaked out and threatened to tell his wife?

10:12 Caller No, no, no. I wouldn't do that. I feel like I'd ruin his life or something.

10:19 Drew By the way, did she tell us he was married?

10:21 Adam She did.

10:21 Caller She told me he was married. I was on the phone talking to him while he was at work and I was on the internet at the same time and his name came up on my Yahoo! messenger and she was pretending to be him but I was on the phone with him at the same time so I told him I'd call him back.

10:38 Drew Oh, that's near call, near miss. Imagine him right at that moment.

10:43 Caller Now why didn't you tell him? Because I thought it was one of his goofy friends on his email.

10:53 Adam Hold on a second, Drew. What happened with that exchange?

10:56 Caller Well, I guess she was pretending to be him for a while. No, this isn't one of his friends, this is me, da-da-da, all the stuff. Then she said, well, who is this? And I said, what do you mean? And then, you know, whatever she said, well, this is his wife and da-da-da-da. And so I gave her my phone number because I didn't believe her at first. And then I found out that it really was.

11:18 Drew So she talked to you? Did she call you?

11:20 Caller Yeah.

11:21 Adam What did she say?

11:22 Caller That she is his wife. They've been married for like 11 years and da-da-da-da-da.

11:28 Drew And who were you to her as far as the wife was concerned?

11:32 Caller I was whatever. I said I had been dating him, da-da-da-da, but I didn't do anything with him, which was true at the time. I didn't. I wasn't doing anything with him.

11:40 Drew So she probably, and no doubt this isn't the first time he's done this, by the way, Carolyn.

11:45 Caller No, it was his first time. She was a little concerned about it herself, and she threatened to leave him and divorce him, but then she...

11:55 Drew Yeah, well, we've never, that guy doesn't exist.

11:58 Adam What guy doesn't exist?

11:59 Drew The guy, the guy...

11:59 Adam First time?

12:00 Drew No, no, the guy who leaves his wife for the girlfriend. It just doesn't happen.

12:05 Adam Yeah, not really.

12:06 Drew Unless she actually freaks out and leaves immediately, but he never leaves her. It'll never happen.

12:12 Adam All right. So, now it's lucky, by the way, you were talking to the guy. Otherwise, you would have thought it was him. He could have gotten into some dirty talk, right?

12:23 Caller I don't know. It was just messed up, the whole situation.

12:27 Adam Listen, hold on. Quiet down, brainiac. What's the matter? Are you drunk or stoned or what's up with you?

12:32 Caller I don't know. I'm like really tired. I worked eight hours and I have like insomnia.

12:36 Adam Don't call the show then. Don't call the show if you're that tired.

12:40 Drew She's just not tracking all of this. This is just her baseline.

12:44 Adam I don't know if she's tired or she's slow. Okay. Well, let's get it together then. This guy's a bad match for you. Let's find a nice guy.

12:52 Drew That man is a bad guy.

12:54 Adam He's a bad guy.

12:56 Drew No matter what he says, even the guy who says, I'm going to leave tomorrow, this guy won't even tell you that he's going to leave. His wife doesn't even tell you there is a wife. Yeah.

13:04 Adam And by the way, his wife is hanging out while you guys consummate your relationship. His mom was on to her before they even did anything.

13:14 Drew His wife.

13:15 Adam I'm sorry. His wife was on to her before they even did anything.

13:19 Drew And he kept going.

13:19 Adam This kept going.

13:20 Drew Yeah. This guy's just an a-hole.

13:22 Adam All right. Listen, Carolyn.

13:24 Drew This is not a relationship, Carolyn. For some reason, you need to be with guys that are not available. We could go through the usual questions with you.

13:30 Adam Get some therapy. And break up with this guy. And kick your dad in the nuts next time you see him.

13:35 Drew I haven't seen him. Right.

13:38 Adam All right. Well, there you go. Now this guy's an unavailable daddy. Can you snap out of it?

13:43 Caller I'm going to therapy.

13:45 Adam Good.

13:46 Drew Hopefully get you out of this cycle you're in, because this is a horrible situation for you.

13:49 Adam All right, everybody. Let's go.

13:51 Drew Come on.

13:53 Adam Your dad abandoned you. Now you got to get with the abandoning guy or unavailable guy. He's your age. He's a piece of work. He's got his wife. His wife's calling. Oh, my God. People going through their life pretending, you know.

14:09 Drew How do you do that?

14:11 Adam I don't know.

14:12 Drew How do you have the energy for that?

14:15 Adam I don't have the energy to cheat.

14:16 Drew Impossible.

14:18 Adam It's too much. It's too much. I don't know. You know, it's weird. I don't know why you would want to create that kind of chaos. Yeah. It's sort of. I mean, look, OK, some hot chick. You want to get laid. Fine. But this guy seems like he's just creating some sort of fantasy environment.

14:37 Drew No way. That's the only one, too.

14:39 Adam Oh, really?

14:40 Drew No way.

14:40 Adam You say that every time. Jennifer? You're 17? You're eight months pregnant? Yep. What's up?

14:49 Caller No, he's whining about me. He thinks I'm not able to have sex, and it's taken me off.

14:55 Drew Your boyfriend?

14:56 Caller Yes.

14:56 Drew Is he your husband?

14:58 No. God, no.

14:59 Drew Oh, of course not. I would only allow him to father my child. I would never marry him.

15:07 No, he's not even the father of my child.

15:12 Adam Hold on a second. How dare you even insinuate that?

15:19 Drew Man, she's with at eight months at 17. I beg your pardon, your royal highness.

15:24 Adam Drew, I'll tell you, you've really crossed the line this time.

15:28 Drew I'm telling you, I've lost my drawing room demeanor.

15:34 Adam Please. Please. Let's just put that ugliness behind us.

15:38 Drew I beg your pardon.

15:40 Adam Jennifer? I'm sorry for my partner.

15:47 Caller I know it doesn't make me look very good.

15:49 Adam No it doesn't.

15:52 Drew Well I mean if you lose your cat, maybe.

15:55 Caller I'm on my own.

15:56 Adam You're on your own except for you're with a new guy already.

15:59 Caller Yeah, I've been with him since I was like what, three months?

16:03 Drew Oh, well that's different. That's totally different.

16:06 Adam That's got to be awesome when you're marking your relationships by the trimester that you're child is in. It's like, well no, Ted I went out with, I went out with Ted from two and a half months all the way into the second trimester.

16:21 Drew He missed most of the morning sickness.

16:23 Adam He missed most of it. And then Brian I met at the six month mark, saw him through to about eight months.

16:29 Drew And I know that's a little weird because I was showing and all that. I know that might be look good.

16:33 Adam And then Ronnie I met from eight month and he was actually there.

16:38 Drew He's complaining.

16:38 Adam He was actually there during the birth.

16:40 Drew Trying to have intercourse.

16:41 Adam Jennifer. All right. So anyway, you got a new guy. He thinks your pregnancy is an excuse. You're using it as an excuse not to have sex.

16:57 Caller Not me.

16:58 Adam Oh, he is.

16:59 Drew So he doesn't want to have sex?

17:01 Caller No.

17:02 Adam Well, you see, he's first off, how old is he?

17:06 Caller He's twenty one.

17:07 Adam Twenty one.

17:08 Drew A criminal.

17:08 Caller Well, we have before. I don't want to get into the dirty. OK.

17:13 Drew Well, that makes him another criminal, I guess.

17:16 Adam Where did you go to finishing school, Jennifer?

17:19 I'm at West Fabrin right now, finishing my senior year.

17:22 Adam Oh, you're at West Fabrin?

17:24 West Fabrin.

17:27 Adam Here's the point. He's there?

17:33 Caller He's hearing us on the radio. He's now yelling.

17:36 Adam Here's what I want to say. It can be weird for guys. By the way, 21-year-old guys aren't supposed to have sex with 17-year-old. I hope he hears that.

17:45 Caller It's actually in the state of Washington.

17:46 It's four years, so it is legal.

17:48 Drew I thought it was three years.

17:50 I asked the cops.

17:52 Adam All right. I'm talking cosmically. Guys that are supposed to be juniors in college aren't supposed to be banging.

17:59 Drew Juniors in high school.

18:00 Adam Yeah. But anyway. Yeah.

18:03 Drew Just seniors.

18:04 Adam Well, he's been a junior for him in college, too. That's a funny one. Here's the thing. He doesn't want to have sex with you most likely because that thing in your stomach isn't his.

18:15 Drew It's freaking him out, too.

18:16 Adam And it's another person. And it not only isn't another person, it's half the last guy that was banging you.

18:20 Drew Not only that. A lot of guys. There's some guys that like the pregnant state. Some are shut down. And one of the great, one of the many jokes that God plays is it makes women very interested in sex during that last trimester. They're into it. That's one of their most aroused time.

18:36 Adam Even a guy. Well, that's good because Drew's a man of exquisite passion.

18:41 Drew Yeah, I don't let much get in the way.

18:42 Adam No, he does not. But here's the thing. There, there. Okay, let's try to figure out percentage wise. What percentage of guys are into a pregnant woman? I mean, into their pregnant woman. I don't mean just cruising the internet.

18:58 Drew 30? There's into and then tolerated.

19:02 Adam Let's put it this way. Let's just start at 100% with their woman not pregnant. Now their woman is pregnant and it's not going to make any discernible difference in their sex life for the guy. For the guy.

19:17 Drew Who's that going to be?

19:17 Adam Yeah, what percentage of that?

19:20 Drew 60. Well, I'm saying again, within that, are some guys that are into it?

19:24 Adam Within that, these are the guys that aren't going to let it affect them one way or the other.

19:28 Drew 30. 30 percent.

19:31 Adam 30 percent?

19:32 Drew I think it's probably 40. I think it's like 20, 40, 30.

19:36 Adam Really?

19:36 Drew 20 are into it, 40 couldn't care less, and 30 are shut, gone.

19:40 Adam Now see, I had, I had like 68 percent are just going to move forward.

19:45 Drew I have 40. That was my 40. No, no, no.

19:48 Adam You said 30 or something.

19:49 Drew I said change it to 40. I said 20, 40, 30.

19:51 Adam Most guys are going to just move forward.

19:52 Drew 20, 40, 40.

19:53 Adam They're not going to be freaked out. I mean, I don't know, when it starts coming into the last weeks or months, maybe. But I mean, most guys are just moving forward.

20:01 Drew I thought it would be less than that.

20:02 Adam Well, maybe it is. Most guys just going to move forward.

20:06 Drew Yeah.

20:07 Adam Until you get into the last weeks.

20:08 Drew That's the biggest category. I agree with that. Right.

20:10 Adam And then you got your freaked out, I ain't touching her.

20:13 Drew Which is probably 20, 30 percent, I bet you.

20:15 Adam Yeah, maybe 20 percent.

20:17 Drew Yeah, about the same size.

20:18 Adam And then you got that, I'm really digging at 20 percent.

20:20 Drew Right.

20:22 Adam Now, here's the point, though, when it's someone else's kid, those numbers really get bad now.

20:28 Drew Well, the, the, I don't care.

20:30 Adam And then there's a weird subgroup in there that you got to watch out for, it's really into it.

20:37 Drew All right.

20:38 Adam So, yeah, Jennifer. So it isn't the guy's kid and I would reckon that that's an issue.

20:48 Caller OK.

20:52 Can you explain to them the whole entire thing?

20:57 Drew Yeah. While we're on the radio here waiting for you.

20:59 Adam Yeah. Just go spit out a kid and don't come to California, please. And please don't let this idiot get you pregnant. Could you just do that?

21:11 Drew Breastfeed for a couple of years. That may increase the risk.

21:13 Adam Years and years. Please, everyone, just quit spitting the kids out. Could we do that? Just slow that down just a little bit. Just stop cranking out those kids. You're not fit to be a parent at 17. And the ones that are getting pregnant at 17 are 12. Emotionally. Oh, I mean, you're at look, you know, I'll if I could pick a chick who wasn't pregnant at 17, she would be a better mother than the ones who are getting pregnant. Ironically, it's not just your average 17 year old.

21:46 Drew It's the one least suited.

21:47 Adam It's the one is least suited to do it. Of course. That's I don't know what sort of retarded cosmic plan that is. But we got the least suited people being the most parents at the earliest age. Think about this population we're going to create.

22:05 Drew What was God thinking about? Once again? I mean, you're the joke.

22:08 Adam You're being raised by an idiot. 17 year old. Well, not just a 17 year old, a below average 17 year old.

22:14 Drew It doesn't have to be intellectually below average, it's the emotional development that means everything.

22:20 Adam And got a got an election coming up. Nothing? Nothing?

22:26 Drew I don't know.

22:26 Adam Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Well, we got to get those pharmaceuticals so we can't let people buy them from Canada.

22:32 Drew That's a big deal.

22:32 Adam Yeah, it's huge. That's huge. And what else? Well, the war record, of course, Bush, I mean, and Kerry, those papers, you know, we got some papers that say Bush was in the National Guard for two years, but then it says someone here said he was discharged. Listen, listen, everybody, here's how it works. Your dad is a heavy hitter. Well, not at the time. You graduate Yale and you're heading for the jungles of Southeast Asia. Your dad jumps in, makes a phone call and says, hey, instead of my boy heading into Da Nang, how about we send him out to Crawford, Texas there and he learns to fly the F-104 for a few years. That's how it works. That's how it always works. That's by the way, why you want to make money in life.

23:30 Drew Why you want to be the head of the CIA.

23:32 Adam That's well, that's why you just want to have juice.

23:35 Drew That's just called juice.

23:36 Adam That's the United States. That's why you come here. You understand? You come here and instead of complaining about, well, why did he get to go to just go get your juice and get your son out of NAMM? That's how it goes. I don't say it's a noble thing, you know, I don't think guys know Pat Tillman, but on the other hand, if I was just graduated, first off, your dad would have done the same thing for you.

23:59 Drew I would have done the same thing for my kids.

24:00 Adam My dad would have done the same thing for you, he wouldn't have done it for me, I'm convinced of that.

24:04 Drew Well, if he would have done it for me, he would have done it for you.

24:06 Adam You've got two boys. The idea of them heading over to Vietnam.

24:10 Drew I would do anything I could to just get away with that a little bit, you do whatever.

24:14 Adam And you know a guy who runs things over at the Air National Guard over in Pasadena, you're on the phone.

24:20 Drew You wouldn't say discharge, you'd say, hey, is there any way we can keep him out of something, anything?

24:25 Adam You just try to get him, keep him stateside. Well, and also there's a certain amount of people that are going over there and a certain amount of people that are staying here. You're just trying to get, you're not saying send someone over there and kill them. You're just saying, let's get my boy in the group that stays here. That's all right. Listen, I'm not condoning it, but I am saying, is it that big a deal? Is it anything that anyone else wouldn't have done for their kid or that their kid wouldn't have accepted? If you were 21 or 22 and you just graduated college, you heard about people going to Vietnam and dying and your dad says, I'm making a phone call.

24:59 Drew By the way, I remember what the attitude was like about Vietnam and people forget. That was considered sort of unpatriotic to go to Vietnam.

25:05 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Go over there and kill some babies.

25:08 Drew Yeah.

25:09 Adam Sure. Sure. Spread a little napalm on an innocent village. Yeah. Your dad's going to make a phone call. The first thing he'd do is like, yeah, thanks, Bob.

25:17 Drew How many people would do anything to get out of there?

25:19 Adam Of course. The rest of the country went to Canada. All right. All I'm saying is, is let's focus on the teens cranking out the retarded kids. Yeah. All right. We're going to take a little break and we'll be right back after this. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191-er. Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Tell you what, you ready to get it on?

26:02 Yeah.

26:02 Get it on.

26:04 Adam Oh.

26:08 Yeah, get it on.

26:14 Adam A little travel to weather coming up.

26:17 Slow and go on the 405, look out for brake lights.

26:20 Drew Today.

26:20 Adam Traffic and lanes.

26:22 Drew Hey, so I came around the on-ramp to the 110 off of the five there, the one that whoops around Griffin Park by Stadium Way. Guy pushing his car from behind.

26:32 Adam Yeah, slow and go, look out for-

26:35 Drew I mean-

26:36 Adam Look out for idiots and lanes.

26:37 Drew So one lane freeway on-ramp, people going, whipping around the corner, 55 miles an hour. Standing there with it pushing his car. And I felt horrible, I didn't go back and like stop or something like that.

26:50 Adam You know what I mean? Yeah, oh, listen, I made the mistake of going down around Hollywood Boulevard, which just turns into a huge jam-packed, fudge-packed cruising session on Friday night to see a movie and people are heinous drivers in this town. They don't go for the signals, they just sit there. It's like, oh, oh, the humanity. What can we do? All right, Drew, all right.

27:18 Drew I don't know what to say. Yeah, too much.

27:20 Adam Yeah, but you know what? You know what the thing is? I started to get into it and then I realized everyone I know, with the exception of Drew, is a horrible driver.

27:28 Drew But they don't drive.

27:29 Adam I can't drive with my dad.

27:31 Drew Jimmy, what's up with him?

27:32 Adam Jimmy's a horrible driver. Daniel's a horrible driver.

27:37 Drew And all the guys who work in the show don't have cars.

27:40 Adam Everyone in comedy is a horrible driver. I don't know what that is.

27:44 Drew What is that?

27:45 Adam Something about being funny that makes you bad behind the wheel. Yeah. I think it's actually.

27:52 Drew It's a biological thing.

27:54 Adam Let me clarify that. There's something about being funny that makes you bad at everything, except for being funny.

28:01 Drew And see, I'm good at a lot of stuff.

28:03 Adam No, not funny, not funny. No, well, one of the things you're not good at, Drew, is being funny, though.

28:09 Drew But that's the point. I trade it out.

28:11 Adam Yeah.

28:12 Drew By being not funny, I get a chance to be good at some other things.

28:14 Adam What are you good at? Well, okay, you sing some opera. Yeah, let's not. Speak some languages. You're good with the spelling and whatnot. Got the doctory thing, got the medicine thing going.

28:23 Drew Drive right, drive good.

28:24 Adam You do drive well. You drive hard, you drive aggressive. I like that. He drives angry. He drives with passion. Let's his penis do the driving. Yeah. All right, that's good. Jen? You're 17? What's up? Mm-hmm.

28:45 Drew And you've never been able to? And you're 17?

28:48 Adam All right.

28:49 Drew That'll be normal.

28:50 Adam Done taking that call for this week. And I don't want to talk to any more 17 year olds that can't orgasm.

28:56 Drew Females.

28:56 Adam Females.

28:57 Drew A male will be a novelty. By the way, if that guy exists, he should call the show because he doesn't exist. And if you wonder about the difference.

29:04 Adam If you find me a male that can orgasm in high school, I'll show you a guy with a Gender reassignment. Corn nut that's been wedged in a urethra and he doesn't know it.

29:12 Drew Yes, absolutely. Either that or gender reassignment, some of that. But he, listen, this is, if you have any, want to know anything about the biological difference between men and women, just look at this one issue. There is not a 17 year old male that walks the planet that doesn't have orgasms. 17 year old female usually does not have orgasms.

29:29 Adam Right.

29:30 Drew Regardless of the circumstances in which they're raised.

29:32 Adam All right, done, done with that question, phone screener Brian. Jimmy? Yeah. Jimmy, you're 16, what's up?

29:40 Caller Yeah, Adam, I just want to say I love you, man. You're awesome, you're an idol.

29:46 Adam Thanks.

29:46 Caller Drew, you're awesome, dude. And Anderson, you do not get nearly enough recognition as you should, man.

29:53 Adam That's true.

29:55 Drew I saw Anderson yesterday, he's got a mohawk now.

29:57 Adam Oh, he does?

29:58 Drew Yeah, he's got his hair cut real short and he died all black except for the mohawk, which is blonde.

30:04 Adam Wow, fantastic. That's gonna help him on his next job.

30:10 Caller Nice.

30:10 Adam He's got job interview times coming up. Oh, that's good. Go ahead, Jimmy.

30:15 Caller Um, well basically, I guess, I don't know if they're really man boobs. I was just wondering what I can do to basically get rid of them or like, I don't know.

30:26 Drew If they're not man boobs, if they're not man boobs, what do you wanna get rid of?

30:30 Caller Um, well, like, I went to my doctor and they said, like, there's like, I think it's gyno-mastia or something.

30:36 Drew Gynochromastia. Yes, that occurs right around your age, typically. Sometimes it goes away and sometimes it doesn't.

30:43 Caller Is there any way to make it go away faster, to do anything to make them smaller?

30:48 Drew Keep your weight down, exercise, that sort of thing. That's about it.

30:51 Adam See, if you're not fat, then you just got it. Yeah.

30:55 Drew It's a response to estrogen produced basically by your adrenal glands, but just around the time the testosterone is turning on.

31:02 Adam Let me explain something, everybody. It's all genetic. You got man boobs, you're genetic. You got big triceps, genetic. You got big calves, genetic. And so if your hair falls out, genetic. You got double chin, genetic. You got big cans in the small ways, genetic. You got blue eyes, genetic, genetic, genetic, genetic.

31:23 Drew There are things you can do though to deal with this.

31:25 Adam Yeah, in this case.

31:26 Drew Yeah, well, in many cases, but it's not something simple like, you know, yes, take more fish oil. No, no, no. No, it's the knife.

31:33 Adam I'm just saying the, you know, our society is dying to make everyone believe that there's something we can do about your weight. And there's something you can do about your double chins and your balding head and your love handles and your whatever it is, whatever you got. And here's the thing, eh, not really, not really. I mean, not within reason. If you're fat, you're fat. And you know, we dig into fat people. It's always, oh, slob, oh, have some respect. Most, you take a look at most like fat teenagers and you see pictures of them when they were five, they were fat, you know what I mean? And then their skins, their kids are just bone skinny and all kids eat garbage, you know what I mean? They all run around and they eat a bunch of hot dogs and fish sticks and all the french fries and they dip everything in ketchup and some are rolly polly and some aren't. I mean, you see those kids by the way, you see these nine year olds with these 10 gallon heads on them, you're like, uh oh. I mean, I see kids walking around just that big old bucket head. You know what I mean? The kids in the second grade already got a 10 gallon cabasa and I'm like, oh man, he could stop eating right now. His head would be the size of Dan Blockers. That was Hoss. Ever heard of Hoss? Is that his name? Dan Blocker was the actor who played Hoss in Bonanza. He would have a Hoss size head. He could stop, he's in the second grade now. He could stop eating from now until senior year high school. He still have a big head. And then there's a kid who's got the nice cleft and the blue eyes and the pointy cheeks and he doesn't have the bump in the nose. Everyone wants to know what his secret is. Oh, what is your secret?

33:17 Caller What did you do?

33:18 Drew Well, a particular pertains to the body, not so much the face but the body, everybody wants to know.

33:23 Adam Yeah.

33:23 Drew You must be doing something. You must work out a lot.

33:26 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah.

33:27 Drew Tony Crawford, you must have worked out like crazy.

33:29 Adam Oh, yeah. No, she's so much more disciplined than all those fat, ugly chicks. They're lazy. We just had to turn them into martyrs. We really did. And now fat people got all the stuff we wanted to give to the various races. That's the whole thing. There's a certain amount of energy people have as human beings that wants to just unload on all. Yes, it started off by throwing people into a volcano.

33:52 Caller Yeah, yeah.

33:53 Drew That's exactly right.

33:54 Adam And it starts off with what you see in other lands when they're blowing up Israelis and that kind of stuff. I mean, it's all we want to do as humans is, oh, this is the reason why this happened and this person needs to be punished. And that's all we do. Here in the United States, we've cleaned it up to the point where we can't do anything against other nationalities, other religions and other races anymore, which was a, I'm not arguing a good thing, but a very natural thing for people to do evidently because they've always done it.

34:24 Drew Well, some people actually believe that this scapegoating mechanism generates a community.

34:30 Adam It's certainly good for like-

34:32 Drew Ties people together, right?

34:32 Adam It's good for Pollock jokes.

34:34 Drew Well, it ties a group together against the one, well, whatever.

34:37 Adam Yes, it's what you do. It's why people are intrinsically attracted to sports because all of a sudden you have a Yankee Stadium or Boston and they're all the places. Fenway Park is filled with 45 people that are all angry, bloodthirsty and hate the Yankees. And they've all banded together and they found that common ground. And it feels so good to be surrounded by 50,000 like-minded idiots, by the way, okay? And I see it every day. I'm starting to put this theory together that there used to be a certain, we used to do this and we'd lash out against different nationalities and lash out against sexual proclivities and then we attack the gays and the lesbians and the blacks and the Mexicans and the Chinese and all that. And now someone came around and said, no, no, no, no more of that. No more jokes, no more lynching, no more nothing. Just keep it cool. Only one left, fat people. And now we beat the crap out of them. But fat people, if you think about it, I think fat people 50 years ago used to get, well, they got what was left. It was like, look, here's what we gotta do. We gotta go after, I'm a Boston fan, so I gotta go after New York Yankees. And then secondly, I'm white, so I gotta go after the black and the Latino guys. And then I'm Protestant, so I gotta make Jew jokes. And what's that?

36:02 Drew And Catholic jokes.

36:03 Adam And Catholic jokes. And I gotta do that. And when I'm all done with that, I got a little left for you, Gordo. Lard ass, I got about 12% left for you after I'm done. And then what happened is everything else got shut down. Now it's all coming to you, fatty.

36:17 Drew You're fat.

36:18 Adam Yeah, think about that.

36:20 Drew Anderson's back.

36:21 Adam There's been more fat. I'll tell you, there's more. First off, that's the last group whose ass you can kick, by the way, if you think about it.

36:28 Drew You're overweight.

36:29 Adam I mean, you gotta look at it this way. It'll look like, everyone makes fun of, hold on Anderson. No, you can't attack the muscle.

36:37 Drew And you're not allowed to, no, no, no, no.

36:39 Adam If that's what you're saying, I don't know.

36:41 Drew No, but Arabs seem to be pretty open on the French as well. The French, Middle Eastern is getting it now.

36:46 Adam Yeah.

36:47 Drew They're getting a little bit, but still not considered something. There are certainly people speaking out against people behaving that way. You don't hear a lot of people speaking out against the way overweight people are ostracized.

36:58 Adam No, it's like, look, too popular and formerly overweight black people would be like Al Roker and Oprah. And in the past 50 years ago, they would have focused on their color. Now they just focus on their fat. Not saying it's a better world. I'm saying if you think about that, we can still, okay.

37:17 Drew We still escape.

37:18 Adam Al Roker is a fat black weatherman. We focus solely on his fat. Why that's not taboo. Obviously you couldn't focus on the skin color. And I'm not saying we should. I'm just saying you think about it. You know what I'm saying? Yes, Drew? So it's all a bunch of Al Roker fat jokes. So fat is the last, that's all we got left. Yeah? Thank God everyone's getting fat.

37:43 Drew Yeah. Pretty soon we won't be able to, how are we gonna work that?

37:46 Adam Oh, you know who's getting it too? Midgets and dwarfs get it. They got hit a little harder too.

37:52 Drew Interesting.

37:52 Adam Fat people, midgets and dwarfs both got hit a little harder once all the other avenues closed down.

37:57 Drew You're right.

37:58 Adam Thank you.

37:58 Drew That's because of comedians. You're overweight.

38:00 Adam All right, Drew, please. Don't you start too. I will take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. That's Dr. Drew. Dear, dear, dear friends. Sarah Silverman will be in here tomorrow night in a legitimately bonafide, funny broad. Yeah.

38:40 Every time I look at my vagina, I want to punch somebody.

38:44 Adam Yeah.

38:44 Drew That's funny.

38:45 Adam Those are the kinds of pearls you're going to hear from the great Sarah Silverman in here tomorrow night. Then Dean Cain, Dean Cain, one of the nicest guys in television or in any other segment of society, be it manufacturing, durable goods or making decorative boxes. Dean Cain would be the nicest. Yes?

39:07 Drew He's the nicest guy.

39:08 Adam Mm-hmm. And then Rich Eisen is going to be in here from the end.

39:12 Drew And by the way, isn't one of the reasons that Dean is so nice, he has, he's supposed to be an a-hole. Isn't he sort of in that should be an a-hole category?

39:19 Adam I think when you got the, speaking of genetic hand dealt to you that Dean got.

39:26 Drew And you're Superman.

39:27 Adam And you played Superman for many years. People assume that you don't think your own poo smells. As a matter of fact, I don't think my own poo smells, but that's, that doesn't mean because I, that's not because I like myself, it's just because I'm weird.

39:40 Drew Just doesn't smell.

39:41 Adam It just, it smells like something, that's for damn sure, but I wouldn't hover over it like a seagull over a dumpster if I didn't like it. You know what I'm saying? Oh yeah.

39:52 Drew Oh yeah.

39:53 Adam I don't think, I don't think my duke smells. I mean, I know it smells. I just don't think it smells bad to me. It's good. Yes.

39:59 Drew Yeah. Maybe, maybe one of the, like a dog, you have a lot of extra sense of olfactory sense. Oh, you've gone past the bad smell into the lilac zone.

40:07 Adam And my dog throwing up on my new carpet tonight.

40:10 Drew Oh my God.

40:11 Adam Is that weird?

40:11 Drew What didn't happen in your house this week?

40:12 Adam No, I know. I got a new dog and the dog's great and the dog, you know, does the duke outside, takes the leak outside, does everything good, but vomits maybe twice a week. And it's a kind of thing where there's nothing, you know, it's a brand new house.

40:31 Drew I don't like that.

40:32 Adam I don't like it either. Believe you me, I don't like it. And the, you know, you don't, let me tell you something about pets, everybody. You think pee and you think poo, but you don't think vomit. Start thinking vomit.

40:47 Drew Well, in your case. But usually not. You got to think, why vomit?

40:51 Adam No, no. Here. Yeah. Well, no, no, no, no.

40:53 Drew Feeding him something wrong or?

40:54 Adam I don't know. The, you know, like the cat, cats will bring up that fur ball every once in a while. Cats will bring up. Dogs will. Maybe I should look into it. The point is, is brand new carpet everywhere in the house. And, you know, I'm just in the other room and I hear that and it's like, oh, the dog's vomiting. The dog's on it. And of course, the dog. It's funny because obviously the dog is in a, in a, you know, being traumatized, you know, while he's sort of bent over and convulsing a little bit.

41:27 Drew Cats throw something out. Dogs vomit like they're, they're reaching into the stomach and pulling something out. Like it's like, it's like they're working it out.

41:34 Adam Weird. Yeah. It's, oh, it's volitional. They're trying to ruin the carpet. I mean, it's, it's, it's obviously there's, it's not like they got, it's not like they drank a case of Heineken or got, ate some bad Mexican food or anything. They're just pulling bile up and dumping it on your nice new carpet. Weird foamy stuff.

41:52 Drew But that foamy stuff is never like, blah. It's always. They got to work it up through the esophagus.

41:58 Adam I know.

41:59 Drew Millimeter by millimeter.

42:00 Adam That's what you would do. It's like, it's like, well, I'm out of whiz and I'm out of duke, but I got to ruin this guy's carpet. What should I do?

42:08 Drew I know.

42:08 Adam I know. It's like the guy's trying to hawk the loogie, but there's no loogie. That guy. So the dog's doing that. I'm running for the dog. Now the dog's weird because it's in that prone position and you feel weird about grabbing the dog and, you know, and it's going to, it's a time bomb.

42:31 Drew You usually put stuff under it.

42:32 Adam Well, that's the thing. You end up grabbing some kitchen towel or rag or something. Inevitably the dog turns ahead a little and throws up right all over the carpet. Chasing the dog around with the thing and, for Christ's sake.

42:48 Drew Here we go. All right. Let's go.

42:50 Adam Let's get it together now. Huh? Break it down.

42:52 Drew Talk to Joe.

42:53 Adam Joe.

42:56 Drew Joe's 22.

42:56 Adam He's 22. What's up?

42:59 Caller You said you wanted to talk to the guy that couldn't get off?

43:02 Adam Yeah.

43:02 Drew We talked to a guy who could not masturbate and have an orgasm. Could not. Ever.

43:07 Adam Not ever.

43:08 Caller Okay. Not ever.

43:11 Adam Hold on. Shush up, Drew. We didn't say ever.

43:13 Drew No. We said sometimes we can't. Can't. Shush up.

43:15 Adam How much time? How often? What's your average? If you beat off 10 times sober, how often do you have an orgasm?

43:23 Caller I'm going to say about eight.

43:26 Drew 80% of the time. Listen, the women are zero.

43:30 I'm calling because you guys, you give me, we're about 80%.

43:37 Adam All right. So listen, two times out of 10, you think about your dead grandma and something catches you.

43:47 Drew The point is, very frequently, 17-year-old females cannot ever have an orgasm no matter what they do.

44:05 Adam It's probably more like once at every 30 times it happens. And then, and why does that happen, by the way?

44:13 Drew Meds, depression, he's one of the guys who takes a long time, loses interest, been doing it too frequently.

44:18 Caller That's why I don't want to talk to you.

44:24 Drew Okay, Fred.

44:25 Adam He's fat by choice. Uh-huh. Fred?

44:29 Caller Yeah, this is Fred.

44:30 Adam 19?

44:31 Caller 19.

44:33 Adam Fat by choice.

44:34 Caller Fat by choice, yeah.

44:38 Adam How tall are you?

44:40 Caller I'm about 5'7.

44:42 Adam And how much do you weigh?

44:44 Caller Probably somewhere around 250, 260.

44:48 Adam You're fat, we know that.

44:50 Caller I'm a pretty big guy, yeah.

44:51 Adam And you eat, eat, boil, and you don't exercise?

44:55 Caller Well, you know, this is the thing. I do exercise to a point only where I don't get sick of it, which isn't very often, so. But I tend to eat quite a bit.

45:07 Drew So you're fat by choice?

45:09 Caller I'm fat by choice. I just want to comment on the whole ostracizing thing you guys were talking about earlier, you know, the hatred for the fat community.

45:18 Drew And?

45:18 Caller And you know what? All I'm saying is we have ostracized, ostracized races in the past, and this much is true, but they didn't have a choice in being, you know, black, Jewish or anything else. So it was wrong of us to do so. The fact of the matter is I could get my ass in a treadmill and not be a fat guy.

45:38 Drew You're fat.

45:39 Caller I'm just a lazy bastard and I accept it.

45:41 Adam Well, this, this is the common argument when you compare, you know, making fun of fat people to making fun of someone's race or religion or something like that. And by the way, here's the thing with the religion. Yeah, I won't know what you are if you don't advertise. Take the ridiculous hat off and the pay us and the beard and all this nonsense. Don't worry. You're not going to get made fun of and you with the crazy guy and the cross of the size of a hubcap. You guys, put the Bible down, shut your pie holes, no one will know what you are, idiots. OK, that's with the religious folks. As far as the fatties go, here's the thing. He's 19. He does a little bit of exercise, not much, and eats whatever he wants. He's a fat guy. First off, he's 5'7. It's easier to be fat when you're 5'7, and that's totally genetic, your height, by the way. Number two, I grew up with a bunch of guys who I guarantee you did not eat more than or eat worse than, and they then mixed booze and drugs into that mixture and didn't have an ounce of body fat on them. Why?

46:44 Drew Genes.

46:45 Adam Genes. You're 5'7, and you're fat. At 19, it's your genes. Hey, if you've got good genes, by the way, there's nothing you can do at 19 that's going to make you look fat with your shirt off.

46:54 Drew And by the way, Fred is sort of clinging to the idea that he could get it off if he wanted to. The fact is he probably could.

46:59 Adam I'd like to see you, Fred. You're 19, you're 2'50, you're 5'7, I'd like to see you at 1'50. You're 5'7.

47:06 Drew Not gonna happen.

47:06 Adam All right, buddy. Yeah, stop clinging to that dream. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

47:11 Caller All right, guys.

47:12 Caller Here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:16 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:18 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:19 Caller 877-889-DATE.

47:22 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:23 Caller 1-800-CALL-UP-LINE.

47:24 Caller Love, 191.

47:48 Adam Hey, everybody, the Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. All right, a quick movie review, Drew.

47:59 Drew Yeah.

47:59 Adam I saw that Sky Captain movie.

48:01 Drew Oh yeah, how was that?

48:03 Adam You don't need to see it. It was-

48:08 Drew That was a big thing this weekend.

48:09 Adam Yeah, it was artistically interesting, but the story was crazy convoluted, somewhat nonsensical, and it just became a sort of exercise and masturbation really. By the way, people, here's the question I always ask myself or ask anyone I went to the movie with. Even when people are walking out and say, no, no, that was pretty good. I always say to them, did you care for a second? What happened to either one of the people? No, no, never cared. From the first five minutes, five minutes in the movie, you don't care.

48:46 Drew Just go and pick up a nice family flick like New York Minute.

48:49 Adam Yeah, get New York Minute.

48:50 Drew Pick that up.

48:51 Adam Pick up New York Minute out on DVD starring the D-Man, Dr. Drew. Hey, is that movie must be doing okay on DVD?

49:01 Drew I think so.

49:02 Adam There's people, this kind of thing they bring home to the kids. You staying in touch with Ashley and Mary-Kate?

49:09 Drew No. I've met with the director this weekend.

49:12 Adam Oh, fantastic.

49:13 Drew You got a friend.

49:14 Adam Dear friend?

49:15 Drew Dear, dear, dear.

49:16 Adam Jamie?

49:17 Caller Hi.

49:18 Adam You're 27?

49:19 Caller I am.

49:20 Adam You don't feel the spark or passion with your boyfriend anymore?

49:23 Caller Well, it's not necessarily anymore.

49:26 Caller I was listening to your show about two weeks ago, a guy called in and said he was doing these strange things with his girlfriend and she'd been abused and he wanted to know if he should stop doing those things.

49:41 You guys made a comment.

49:42 Caller You were saying that a lot of times the passion and desire that people want comes from the self-deprecating side of their personality, whether it's from their trauma or whatever. I'm that cliched girl that you guys often talk about, the split home, the abusive father, didn't really know family until later on in life. My question is, is that can you have a healthy relationship with that passion or if you know that you kind of have a tainted path, should you choose to kind of steer away from relationships like that and just kind of settle for less excited?

50:23 Drew If you have overt abuse, if you're a sexual abuse survivor, if you've had really serious long-term childhood abuse, absolutely you should avoid that exciting relationship because the exciting person is going to be somebody terribly abusive. If on the other hand, you come from sort of a chaotic, confusing, broken family, that's something you can kind of work through. You're not the cliche at all, in fact. You're not giving the specifics of somebody who absolutely must steer clear, should still steer clear.

50:50 Adam And, and if you don't couch it as settling for the other thing because I think people do, right, right, people blow smoke up each other's rectum, took eye, by, by saying stuff like, you know, why settle, why settle for this when, when this is where your passion lies? Well, it's, it's, it's sort of like saying, you know, why settle for an ordinary life when you can have one that involves methamphetamines?

51:19 Drew Right.

51:20 Adam It's, it's not really settled.

51:21 Drew You experience the real high.

51:22 Adam Yeah, go ahead and settle on, on sobriety and go ahead and settle on health, health, yes, mental health, yes. And then don't look at it as sort of copping out or settling.

51:34 Drew And the fact is that while your expectation is that the passion relationship is where you're going to find real renewal, some people, you can, but for the most part, something more nourishing is found in what would be otherwise considered more boring. Yes.

51:48 Adam All right. Let's talk to this Dana Dana, dude, Dana's a dude.

51:55 Drew No, come here, girl.

51:57 Adam Dana.

51:58 Caller Yes.

51:59 Adam No, Dana, the chick.

52:01 Caller What's happening? Hello.

52:06 Adam Hello. What's going on there, Dana?

52:10 Caller I have a question for you guys.

52:12 Adam All right. What is it?

52:13 Drew He's been drinking a little bit.

52:15 Caller Now I'm like seeing this guy, just met him. I'm at college and I wanted to know what's going on. So, like, when would be a good time if I farted in front of him?

52:25 Adam When?

52:25 Drew You're fast. He's in the guy, isn't he?

52:30 Adam When is a good time for you to, for a chick to fart in front of the guy?

52:34 Caller Like, is our guy totally weirded out like that or what should I do?

52:37 Drew He's in the guy, don't you think? Some guys, it gives them a license to join in.

52:42 Adam Here's the thing. Here's the thing, if you're in a relationship where you haven't farted yet, that means the guy has wanted to fart at least 700 times, even if you're on the third date.

52:58 Drew Five minutes into it, yeah.

53:00 Adam Here's, I would love, here's an experiment, here's an experiment. Let's just try this. All right. So, at the end of a first date, you're kissing, you're making out, you're on the doorstep. It's been a night of whining, dining, maybe you saw a movie, picked her up at 8 o'clock, it's now 1.30 in the morning, you're making out on the stoop of her sorority house. If you blasted a fart at that point as a female and then said to the guy, if you got one in the chamber, squeeze the trigger, I'm fine with it. What percentage of guys fart there? I say it's well into the 80s.

53:41 Caller Oh, absolutely.

53:43 Adam Well, and not only that, it's a nine stager. It's, yeah, because here's the thing, it's the 12 farts he would have normally let during that time period. It's mixed with the nerve gas and the surf and turf.

54:00 Drew It's what he does the moment he closes the door to his car when he sits down. It's his first order of business.

54:06 Adam Yes. Yes. The first, I'll tell you.

54:09 Drew Turn on the seat heater.

54:12 Adam That is the seat heater, my friend. Oh, I got to tell you, Drew, I went to Vegas with shooting a man show bit, I think. The hell? Yeah. Did a man show bit in Vegas a few years ago. I had a bunch of writers, you know, whenever we would travel, it would be me and Jimmy and then ten other people that just wanted to go for some because of work, other because they just want to get drunk and have a good time. We ended up hooking up with some Bachelorette party and, you know, jello shots and whatever. It was a bit weird doing it, but the point is, is one of the guys ends up hooking up with one of the chicks from the Bachelorette party. And this guy turns out to be the guy who's staying in my room, although I have like a suite so I got the bedroom and he's got the sofa, you know, so we crash out at two in the morning, I guess about six a.m. I hear and I come home, I see they're spooning on the sofa, you know, they're on this weird, you know, lipstick shaped sofa the whole night. Anyway, about six in the morning, she gets it together and hustles back to her side of the hotel to hook up, you know, crash in her room. I see this, you know, he doesn't know I'm awake. I just wake up because I hear movement. I see him doing that thing where he's poking his, he's wearing a towel kind of thing, he's poking his head out of the door. Okay, now I'll give you a call. Standing air, he's got his head out the door. The room's dark, the hallway's light, she's walking down the hall.

55:40 Drew Clunk, clunk, the door shuts.

55:41 Adam I was in the door, shut, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr. The next thing you know, you're making out with some chick on a sofa, and you can't go anywhere. He didn't let one fart, he let 29 farts go.

56:31 Drew Did you just start laughing a bit?

56:36 Adam I was up. Yeah, I was laughing like a maniac. What the point is, is I think a guy will respond with his own fart almost immediately after a woman farts at whatever stage of the-

56:49 Drew Especially late in the evening. Late in the evening, just, that's the time to have him ring in.

56:54 Adam Right. Right.

56:55 Drew Oh my gosh. All right.

56:56 Adam Now, the more honest question-

56:59 Drew For her back on the phone?

57:00 Adam Yeah. And then the double standard question is-

57:05 Drew What if it stinks?

57:09 Adam Yeah. What is it? I'm putting her on hold because our lines ban. She's got some joker laughing in the background. As a guy, it is certainly not a turn on when a woman farts. It's a relief. Well, the best part about it is it's okay for you to fart.

57:27 Drew Right.

57:28 Adam But it's not like, wow, that, ooh, ass, that's exciting.

57:32 Drew No, but maybe she can join in in the appreciation of his production.

57:37 Adam Yeah.

57:38 Drew But you have to, the woman has to be willing to do that if she's going down that road.

57:41 Adam Most guys. Yes. Most guys don't want to walk into the bathroom after their lady has screwed it up, right? I mean, as guys, aren't we a little less that way?

57:52 Drew Yes.

57:53 Adam Right? We're not as tolerant?

57:56 Drew No. Oh, do the women have any choice? You know what I'm saying? About being more tolerant? They have to be.

58:03 Adam Yeah, they have to be. Yes, we're bigger producers. Okay, so here's the point.

58:08 Drew But she has to, if she's gonna do that early, she has to willing to go down the road of enjoying what he produces with him.

58:14 Adam Right.

58:15 Drew With him, no USA.

58:16 Adam Yes, all right. Oh, listen, I work with guys. Jimmy's cousin, Sal, Jimmy himself, another guy, Tony. The guys that are just devastating from an anal standpoint. I mean, these guys destroy a large size office where guys are, shirts over the mouths, people lying on the floor, people yelling.

58:39 Drew Lying on the floor, what's that?

58:40 Adam It's trying to escape the heat. I mean, everybody, the shield's call goes up, the shirts go over the face, people are having, you know what ends up being funny is when then there's like six guys in the room and the business is going on, but Tony blows a huge fart. So the shields go up, but it's in the middle of a discussion. It's like, look, if we're going to send Tron guy out on a date, we need to bring the crew in that morning and get it out now. No, I'm not arguing with you, Steve. I'm telling you that we need a DGA representative on site. If we're going to, and it's like the same ridiculous, important, serious arguments going on except for everyone doing it through their shirts now, but not acknowledging the fart anymore.

59:26 Drew So half adult has four year olds.

59:28 Adam All I'm saying is, is if these guys are doing this kind of damage in a large ventilated room, God help their old ladies underneath the comforter.

59:38 Drew Well, not all of them wave the sheets.

59:41 Adam No, no, they all, no, they're all, they're all into it.

59:45 Drew These are very tolerant women. Either that or like have a brain tumor where they can't smell anything.

59:53 Adam Caused by the gas.

59:55 Drew It could be.

59:57 Adam Alicia?

59:58 Yes.

59:58 Adam You're 24?

1:00:00 Caller Yes.

1:00:00 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

1:00:03 Caller I am a diabetic and I take influence shots and I've had it for about 14, almost 15 years now. And I have recently been talking to plastic surgeons requiring about breast implants. And I've had a couple doctors tell me that I shouldn't even consider it or look into it any further because of the whole health risk and infection being more harder for me to be cured from. So I just wanted your opinion on it.

1:00:29 Drew Well, so just by way of education for people that don't really understand, diabetes can, if your blood sugar is not meticulously controlled and diabetes is basically an abnormality of blood sugar control, you will have a harder time healing. And it's largely caused by the effect on the immune system and the vascular supply. Diabetes causes a disruption of the small blood vessels. It also makes your immune cells not work quite so well. So yeah, Alicia, is it Alicia or Alicia?

1:01:01 Adam God love you, baby.

1:01:02 Drew And interesting, she's the one I go to to ask permission, ask the question. And the rest of them will straighten you out. Yeah, all right, well, so what about it, Drew? So Alicia, it would be a bad idea, obviously. It was much more prone to complications. Now, there's probably literature out there, medical literature, that documents what your risk is. How much more risky is it for a diabetic? Because I'm sure you've done it on diabetics. And I'm not familiar with that literature. I'm sure it's not great, but I'm sure it's not horrible either.

1:01:35 Adam I mean, but if you're diabetic and you're disciplined about it, you're not something like a blues singer or something.

1:01:42 Drew Sometimes even a disciplined person can't get tight control. It's just in the nature of the disease. Are you a brittle diabetic? Are you able to maintain? What's brittle?

1:01:51 Caller Um, no, I mean, I'm under much better care now. When I first, I wasn't doing very well with it at all, but.

1:01:58 Drew Did you go through diabetic ketoacidosis a number of times?

1:02:01 Caller Yes.

1:02:01 Drew All right, so you're already somebody who must have nerve damage, right, in your legs? Okay, so you have diabetic neuropathy. You've been through DK a number of times. So that predicts that you already have a vascular problem.

1:02:13 Adam Mm-mm.

1:02:14 Drew That you already have that from your teenage years of not doing your insulin properly. And that puts you at an extra high risk.

1:02:21 Caller Okay, so I should just avoid it altogether and wear puts of wash?

1:02:24 Adam Ah, who cares? What's wrong? You're fine, you're 24. What do you want the big cans for? What are you looking for?

1:02:30 Caller I wanted a good full C. I am small and I just am not happy with them, so.

1:02:36 Adam Hmm, do you have a boyfriend?

1:02:39 Caller No.

1:02:40 Adam Are you, so you're looking?

1:02:42 Caller Uh, yeah.

1:02:44 Adam Any, any prospects?

1:02:46 Caller Uh, I wish, but no, he's not interested.

1:02:49 Adam Who's the guy?

1:02:51 Caller Uh, he's a friend.

1:02:53 Adam Oh, that's smart, yeah. You've been into him for a while?

1:02:57 Caller Yes.

1:02:58 Adam And you've made your intentions clear?

1:03:00 Caller Yes.

1:03:01 Adam Any, anything physical go on between the two of you?

1:03:04 Caller Uh, no.

1:03:05 Adam All right, well at least he, you know, he's scared of that and dignity.

1:03:09 Caller Yeah.

1:03:10 Drew All right.

1:03:10 Adam And, uh, this guy, how long have you known him?

1:03:14 Caller Uh, for about a year now.

1:03:15 Drew Adam, no matter what, you know, come on, don't do that.

1:03:17 Adam He ain't coming around, but why, why, uh, why does he say he's not interested?

1:03:23 Drew Oh, Adam, don't do that.

1:03:24 Adam I'm just curious.

1:03:25 Caller We've completely jumped to different, um, he just, because we actually are, uh, roommates. We live together.

1:03:33 Adam Oh, that's rough.

1:03:34 Caller It's very sticky.

1:03:36 Adam Oh, and then he brings a date home and you're all pissy the next morning.

1:03:39 Drew Why did you put yourself in that position?

1:03:45 Caller Um, I just, uh, yeah, in the, in the last year, I kind of had some problems with my family.

1:03:51 Drew So I just, I had to put yourself in that position because you assumed this was going to bring you, bring him around.

1:03:58 Caller I was kind of hoping, but yeah. Yeah.

1:04:02 Adam Yeah. Hey, uh, Alicia, this is a, uh, you know, you're, you're, you're, you're in a sort of crappy relationship, uh, Rubik's cube here. That's never really going to be worked out to your, to your satisfaction. You living with this guy is going to be frustrating, especially when he starts dating. And it's kind of unfair to him too, because he starts seeing somebody wants to bring them home or sleep over at their house. Then you're all weird over breakfast the next morning. Uh, it's not a good situation. Maybe you should get yourself out of it.

1:04:34 Caller Yeah, trying on my hardest.

1:04:36 Adam Okay, there you go. All right. I don't get drunk either.

1:04:39 Caller Yeah, no.

1:04:41 Adam That's for, that's for that, that knock on the door. That's where that back of the finger knock.

1:04:46 Drew Yeah.

1:04:47 Adam Craig, it's, can we, can I tell, can I tell? Just help me under, help me understand something.

1:04:59 Drew Oh no, that's a guy talking.

1:05:00 Caller Okay.

1:05:01 Drew They would not start with that.

1:05:02 Adam You be the checkmate.

1:05:03 Drew I'm not sure I could do it.

1:05:07 Adam Yeah, well the guy, and then the guy, the guy will eventually break down.

1:05:11 Drew Yeah.

1:05:12 Adam I mean, kind of often, you know, it's like, just let me give you a BJ. All right, I'm gonna keep the TV on. And my sweatshirt.

1:05:20 Drew Especially if the woman starts touching. You know what I mean? That's it.

1:05:24 Adam Drew, if I started touching her right now, there's nothing, we couldn't stop. You couldn't stop in front of Chris and everybody on the radio, wife listening. You couldn't stop. You're that passionate. All right, let's keep pushing ahead here. So sad. As a guy, you're used to being dumped on, you're used to unrequited love and all that kind of stuff. Because as a guy, by the way, you have all the time in the world. You're like, all right, well, I'll just get my business together and I'll get myself that sports car. And then don't worry, I'll nail some cocktail waitress. But, uh, chicks, I don't know why I become sad. I feel, I feel, I feel bad for them.

1:06:01 Drew If the guy doesn't respond.

1:06:03 Adam Yeah. It's weird. It's, it's, it's weird. It's been a handful of times when I've had to tell the ladies not interested and always feels weird. Whereas women, I think, A, are used to it, B, society's used to it, and then C, guys are used to hearing it.

1:06:19 Drew I agree with you. They're not used to it. But, but one of the first of all, we really do need to get women more used to that because they, that, that is an area that women could step up to the plate a little bit, and guys would be just fine with that, and then women would get more of what they want. But as a result, they're going to have to-

1:06:32 Adam You mean, you mean, asking guys-

1:06:33 Drew Asking guys out and being a little more aggressive, and, and as a result, though, they're going to get used to being turned down more. But the other thing is, though, women don't actually sort of let in the fact that they're, they were let down. What they go to is, well, he must be gay then, or he has a girlfriend, I mean, they immediately start justifying-

1:06:49 Adam They start getting angry at some chick who's a friend of his who's somehow, they've poisoned him on her or something. And just please listen, women, if we're into you, there's nobody who can poison us. Or stop us. That's a bunch of Melrose Place fantasy BS. If we want to hump you, we're going to hump you for into you, we're into you. If you flip our cookie, you flip our cookie. We don't care what our folks say. We don't care what our best friend, she's whispering in her ear, she said, no, no, are you kidding? Out the way, sweetie. I got some boning to do. No way. That's it. And if a guy says he ain't into you, he ain't into you.

1:07:29 Drew He's not coming around.

1:07:31 Adam Not there.

1:07:32 Drew Now he could say, I have a girlfriend, he could still say things like that are different than. No.

1:07:37 Adam Even then.

1:07:37 Look out.

1:07:39 Drew Even then watch out.

1:07:39 Adam Yeah.

1:07:40 Drew But there are actually decent guys out there who would just not get embroiled in something that they would otherwise make themselves available for.

1:07:51 Adam Let's talk to Tabitha. Tabitha.

1:07:55 Hello.

1:07:56 Adam You're 19?

1:07:57 Caller Yes, I am.

1:07:58 Adam What's up, baby doll?

1:07:59 Caller Well, I've been listening to your show because I do it every night while I'm at work. And I had a real problem with the comment he made to the 8-month-old, 17-year-old girl.

1:08:08 Adam Drew.

1:08:09 Drew No, I didn't make that comment.

1:08:10 Adam Drew was very unkind, yes.

1:08:12 Caller How both of you were.

1:08:14 Adam Oh, well, that's my job. He's a doctor. He should know better.

1:08:18 Caller Yeah. Well, I got pregnant at 17 myself and I'm a single mom. I go to school full-time. I work full-time and I'm raising my son on my own and I'm doing a damn good job.

1:08:30 Adam Hold on a second. First off, let me just do some math here for everybody. I go to school full-time and let me explain the concept of full-time, not doing anything else.

1:08:41 Full-time means full-time.

1:08:42 Drew Not doing anything else. And I work full-time.

1:08:45 Adam And I take care of the child alone.

1:08:46 Drew Those things do not all go together. That's not possible.

1:08:49 Adam Unless you're taking the kid to class and to work with you.

1:08:51 Drew And that's still not doing a good job of parenting. That child, particularly under one, needs focused attention at least 60% of the day.

1:08:59 Adam And Drew, let me explain what my concept of full-time work is. It would be at least eight hours a day of work.

1:09:06 Drew Yes.

1:09:07 Adam Then you tack on another hour of lunch and maybe another hour or so of commute. And that takes you out of the house at least 10 hours out of the day.

1:09:14 Drew Even if you put them both at half-time.

1:09:17 Adam Not full-time, Drew.

1:09:18 Drew But even if you called them full-time when they were half-time, that still can't do your parenting job then. So somebody else is doing the parenting, not Jack.

1:09:25 Caller I do my parenting job.

1:09:26 Caller I work at night. I work nine hours when you include my lunch, which starts at 10 and my son goes to bed at 9.30. And I work my job at five minutes away, about 10 minutes when he has traffic. And I go to school 15 hours a week, which is 12 credits, considered full-time. One hour per class. And I have my son with me all the time. And when I'm at work, he's with my parents.

1:09:51 Adam Right. So you, you come home from work at what time?

1:09:55 Caller I get home from work at around 5 a.m. I get off at 4.30. So I get home around five and I go to sleep and he gets up at about eight o'clock when I get up. And if I'm lucky, I get a couple hours of sleep before I work the next day.

1:10:10 Drew You sleep three hours a night?

1:10:12 Caller Pretty much average.

1:10:13 Adam No way.

1:10:15 Caller Yeah, that's average.

1:10:16 Adam Listen, you're not Ben Franklin. Believe me, you're not sleeping. You don't average three hours a night. Never met a chick who does who can do under 14. Uh-oh. You're still working full time. You're still working full time. You're still working full time. You're still working full time. I mean, a child should have his mother there, not going to school full-time.

1:10:50 Drew And one of the primary parents.

1:10:51 Adam And not working full-time.

1:10:54 Drew There's a book out there called The Two-Third Solution. Hold on.

1:10:58 Adam You're doing everything you can, but you're sort of making our point in the sense that we're saying 17-year-olds aren't good moms because yeah, you're still going to school. Yeah, you're still working. There's a bunch of stuff you gotta do. By the way, you have to work because there's no more income and. And so, and you're an ambitious, I mean, God bless you, you're ambitious, you're going to school full time. But all this stuff, if you put it in your rear view mirror and had the kid at 27, the kid would get your full attention. You'd be sitting home with your husband, your degree, your savings, your 401k plan, and your kid.

1:11:32 Drew And there's a book out there called The Two Third Solution by a guy named Greenspan that talks about the amount of time that kids need from their parents. And really, the most important thing that Tabitha would need would be another primary caretaker. Now, maybe that's her mom or something, but let's be clear, she has that other primary caretaker and that's why she can do it. It's not because she's a good parent, it's because somebody else is helping her out.

1:11:52 Adam Tabitha is doing the best she can do with what she's got.

1:11:56 Drew She's doing a great job, by the way.

1:11:58 Adam The kid would have a better life if you spat the kid out when you were 25 and not 17.

1:12:04 Drew And I think the point, by the way, we were making originally was that we would have been more capable of raising a raccoon or a chipmunk or something than a human at 17.

1:12:14 Adam Absolutely. Even now. Take a quick break.

1:12:16 Drew That's a good point.

1:12:17 Adam We'll be right back. Hey everybody, it's Loveline. Phone number. 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1 Boy, I'll tell you, producer Anne has really knocked herself out over the next three weeks over here. We got Sarah Silverman, dear, dear friend, Dean Cain coming in, dear, dear friend, Rich Eisen from NFL coming in, Korn is coming in, they haven't been in a while.

1:13:13 Drew Good to see them.

1:13:13 Adam Interpol in here, Seth McFarland from The Family Guy. Drew, get the ass-looking tongue out and get ready.

1:13:14 Drew What the deuce?

1:13:14 Adam Oh, we got Kate coming in here, Jeff Probst from Survivor.

1:13:17 Drew Why'd he do that?

1:13:18 Adam New Survivor, by the way.

1:13:19 Drew Is what the deuce a bad word?

1:13:22 Adam I have no idea what Anderson's doing.

1:13:24 Drew You're breaking me out, huh?

1:13:25 I just, the language is getting a little rough.

1:13:28 Adam Here's my point.

1:13:28 Caller Hey, I'm looking at your TV right now.

1:13:30 Caller That was weird.

1:13:30 Adam All right, what is Anderson?

1:13:33 Drew Yeah, who are you looking at?

1:13:35 Caller I'm sorry, as I was talking to you, Adam, your face was on TV for Fox Sports Night.

1:13:39 Adam Oh, was?

1:13:39 Caller Yeah.

1:13:40 Drew You're always on those things.

1:13:41 Adam Oh, what is that? Oh, that's a sports list, that's right.

1:13:45 Drew I'm always turning TV off in the background.

1:13:48 Adam Thanks, buddy. Should I say thanks or should I be angry?

1:13:51 Drew Yeah, keep going.

1:13:52 Adam There's a point.

1:13:54 Drew Cake coming in, Jeff Probst.

1:13:55 Adam Yeah, I just finished that, that's right. Watching the new Survivor, always enjoy that. Enjoy Jeff. Jeff, by the way, one of these guys you think you're not gonna like.

1:14:04 Drew Nice guy, really good guy.

1:14:05 Adam Yeah, seems like an a-hole on the show, but you know, someone's gotta be the boss. Good show. All right, you ready to rock here, Dr. Let's talk to Michael, who's 23. Michael.

1:14:18 Caller What's going on?

1:14:19 Adam What's happening, brother?

1:14:21 Caller Oh dude, just hurting.

1:14:23 Adam Hmm, what's happening? What's hurting?

1:14:26 Caller Well, okay, me and my girlfriend were having sex last night and upon going in, it was getting a little rough and I'm uncircumcised. And we're going and it's kind of hurting, but you know, nothing, it kind of hurts every now and then.

1:14:41 Drew Forget it, stop, stop. Yeah, it's bogus. But it's bogus, completely bogus. But what he's describing, I will go ahead and comment on, is that he says he's tearing the foreskin.

1:14:55 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:14:56 Drew It either can tear at the point at which it's sort of stuck to the penis or actually circum, at the tip of it.

1:15:01 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:15:02 Drew In other words, sort of either the frenulum or actually.

1:15:04 Adam So the frenulum, and by the way, you have one of those under your tongue, too.

1:15:08 Drew Yeah.

1:15:08 Adam Where else do you have frenulum? In between your, what's in between your nostrils? You got anything around your nose?

1:15:13 Drew No, that's, you can take your fingers out of your nostrils. That's your septum.

1:15:16 Adam That's your septum.

1:15:17 Drew It's a little different.

1:15:18 Adam Well, any other frenulums? Frenulum's basically that little webbing of skin that attaches your tongue. Yeah. And you got the one in the penis, you got the one in the dork, you got one in the mouth. By the way, one day ours will meet, Drew.

1:15:33 Drew Yours, your tongue frenulum in mind?

1:15:35 Adam Yeah, my downstairs frenulum and your penthouse frenulum.

1:15:39 Drew Oh, that's nice.

1:15:39 Adam Yeah, they will meet.

1:15:41 Drew Oh yeah.

1:15:41 Adam Oh yes.

1:15:42 Drew What, am I gonna be a corpse or something? Is that what's gonna happen?

1:15:44 Adam Mark my words, my friend. They will meet. Yes, Drew.

1:15:49 Drew Yes, Adam. So you can tear that.

1:15:51 Adam You can tear the frenulum.

1:15:52 Drew Or you can just tear the foreskin.

1:15:53 Adam No, because the opening can get kind of small.

1:15:55 Drew Yeah, and in either case, it's not a good thing.

1:15:57 Adam Keep the maintenance. Pull it back, hit it with the little...

1:16:01 Drew You have to stretch it out a little bit, but that's the reason people do circumcisions.

1:16:04 Adam Hit it with a little carnauba wax.

1:16:07 Drew Any kind of moisturizing.

1:16:08 Adam Yeah, what do you think? What about vitamin E, Vaseline?

1:16:13 Drew You just gotta keep it supple.

1:16:14 Adam Keep it flexible.

1:16:16 Drew But look, that's the reason people have circumcisions is that's not an uncommon injury. And if you start tearing it, it tends to scar down and close the hole up a little even more and make for more tearing.

1:16:25 Adam Right, except for there's more people who are that way than there are people who aren't that way. And the world seems to work fine.

1:16:33 Drew Did you get that Michael is bogus the same way I did?

1:16:38 Adam Ah, I have three categories on this show. I have actual caller, bogus, and then the in between, which could be bogus, could be a jackass, could be a blowhard, don't care. Just gonna cut him off like he's bogus. And especially since he has a very common question and we don't need him to answer it. Thank you. Tammy?

1:16:59 Caller Yes?

1:17:00 Adam You're 27?

1:17:01 Caller Yes.

1:17:02 Adam What's up baby doll?

1:17:04 Caller Well, I have been married four years ago and my husband's seven and my husband has not come.

1:17:11 Adam Never?

1:17:14 Caller He has probably came in the last seven years, I would say 10 times. Well, he does when he's taking care of himself.

1:17:30 Adam Oh, he does, of course.

1:17:31 Caller Yeah, it's just not with me.

1:17:35 Drew Does he ever do that with you present?

1:17:38 Caller Well, like a few years back, he did. So I know he can and I mean, we're pretty open. He told me that he takes care of himself and I mean, pretty regularly, like on a daily basis.

1:17:55 Drew So it's not that he can't come, it's that he can't do anything with you.

1:17:59 Adam By the way, at a certain point, doesn't this become insulting?

1:18:03 Caller Yes, especially, I'm trying to get pregnant and just not working out.

1:18:11 Adam Well, here's the thing, Tammy, and by the way, God bless you, you sound like you're very flexible on this subject.

1:18:18 Drew Reasonably comfortable.

1:18:19 Adam You a big guy? You big? Oh, hold on a second. The reason I ask is, this is the attitude of a big guy. Hot chick don't stand for hubby beating off. Well, he's beaten off once a day, he can't produce anything with me. I'm trying to get pregnant. He's upfront with it. By the way, you don't just lay that kind of stuff on hot chicks. Hey, sweetie, take the tight ass and the big jugs and take them in the kitchen. I'll finish beating off in here, please.

1:18:51 Drew She's going to get some other sperm.

1:18:54 Adam This is, by the way, this is big ass meets crappy dad.

1:19:00 Drew Yeah.

1:19:01 Adam Tammy?

1:19:02 Caller Uh-huh.

1:19:06 Adam Okay. How's your dad?

1:19:08 Caller My dad?

1:19:10 Adam Yeah, your dad.

1:19:11 Caller He's a big guy.

1:19:12 Drew No, no. What kind of guy was he growing up?

1:19:15 Caller He wasn't around much, but we have a great relationship now.

1:19:19 Drew Oh, that's on cows.

1:19:21 Adam But he wasn't around. Why wasn't he around much?

1:19:24 Caller He was a loser.

1:19:27 Adam A loser? You're very forgiving on your deadbeat absentee father who was basically- You know, I had to.

1:19:41 Drew Why do you have to?

1:19:42 Caller Well, I didn't have to. I just felt like that part of my life is over and I'm trying to make things better.

1:19:50 Adam But it's laid the groundwork for you putting up with more than you should put up with your current relationship.

1:19:56 Caller You think so?

1:19:57 Drew Absolutely.

1:19:58 Adam How do you think? Well, A-

1:19:59 Drew Why do we come to that?

1:20:00 Adam I knew you had a bad dad. I knew you had a big ass, all based on this problem.

1:20:06 Drew All right.

1:20:06 Adam So, and listen, everybody, you know, everyone listens, oh, what do you always say? You always say, you always- No, first off, we don't always say, like, I'm not saying you were sexually abused or physically abused. I just know this is the work of someone who had a dad who made them feel like crap. And this is what you do to little girls when you leave. You know, you don't have to hang out and beat them. You just let them know that they're worth nothing and I'll be gone. And you mean nothing to me. And that screws up their self-esteem.

1:20:35 Caller Yeah, I don't like like, I mean, I really don't feel like I have a self-esteem issue.

1:20:40 Caller I have totally.

1:20:41 Caller I mean, I'm, I'm a hot big chick.

1:20:44 Caller That's it.

1:20:45 Caller And I'm not big. I'm like, just thick.

1:20:48 Caller You know what I mean?

1:20:51 Caller I have no problem getting guys.

1:20:55 Adam Well, that means big rack.

1:20:58 Caller No, I'm not even average.

1:21:02 Adam What do you come?

1:21:02 Caller Let's get some dimensionality, I think.

1:21:05 Adam I think that's what it is. I have a, I have a, I see that personality coming into the bar. They know they're turned on. Okay. Now hold on. Oh, and Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. How tall are you? Then we're going to tell you what to, five-five. We'll tell you what to do with your man after this and how much do you weigh? Approximately. Uh, 180. 180. Hold on.

1:21:32 Drew Let me do some- Five-five, did you say?

1:21:33 Adam Five-five, 180. I'll do a little bit of radio math here. Five-five, 180. Drew, what is two times four? Eight. Okay. That's eight. And eight and three is?

1:21:47 Drew 11. Square root of 16.

1:21:49 Adam 11. Square root of 16. Is that Chris?

1:21:54 Caller You know what that is? Four.

1:21:56 Adam What is that?

1:21:57 Caller Oh, good.

1:21:57 Drew Chris did it.

1:21:58 Adam You know?

1:21:59 Caller Is it four?

1:22:00 Adam So square root of 16 is four. And then four plus one?

1:22:03 Drew Five.

1:22:05 Adam All right. And let's get back to Tammy here. I got five, three, and 13 sixteens, 192. Tammy. All right. Now, your husband does not orgasm with you or rarely does. Is that through intercourse? Would he have an orgasm through oral sex?

1:22:31 Caller He says yes, but he says, see, his thing is that he says I never go long enough.

1:22:37 Drew You never go long enough.

1:22:38 Adam You never, so he would eventually.

1:22:41 Caller That's what he says. But you know, his reality is, like he wants me to, I mean, sit on his, you know, for an hour, two hours, and you know, after a while it gets to, well, not only tiresome, but hurtful.

1:22:58 Adam For him too, I would imagine.

1:23:00 Caller I would imagine, I mean.

1:23:01 Adam Here's the thing, Tammy. He needs to quit beating off so much. If you guys are gonna try to have a kid.

1:23:09 Drew Absolutely.

1:23:11 Adam And so the first thing it needs to be, and I never thought I'd have these words past my lips, but it's not okay for him to beat off as much as he's beating off, especially if he's not taking care of you and not having an orgasm with you, and especially if you're trying to plant some seed in you. So why don't you tell him, Drew said the eddy curtail is beating off.

1:23:33 Drew You said those words, you're gonna have to go wash your mouth out.

1:23:36 Adam Yeah, I am. And the other thing is, so at the end of a long week of not masturbating, he then gets to have sex with you and has to produce.

1:23:49 Drew He will.

1:23:49 Adam Try that. And don't be so lenient with him.

1:23:52 Drew Yeah, you have to put up with him.

1:23:54 Adam I think an absentee dad mixed with big calves has made her very lenient with guys.

1:23:59 Drew Your esteem may be okay, but it certainly seems impaired in relation to what you take from men, or what you expect from men.

1:24:06 Adam Right, yeah, for someone to feel so good about themselves, you shouldn't be being treated like ass. Right, thank you. Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:25:13 Caller Hear these songs and more on Soundcheck.

1:25:16 Caller Live on O5's weekly new music showcase. Sunday nights from 8 to 10 with Aaron Axelson.

1:25:21 Caller New music on Sunday nights. New music.

1:25:25 Caller Live on O5.

1:25:26 Caller Thinking about buying a used vehicle from a private owner? Think about this. Every Ford quality check certified pre-owned vehicle has to pass a rigorous 115 point inspection. The ones that do qualify come with six year, 75,000 mile powertrain, limited warranty coverage, and 24 hour roadside assistance. Think you'll get a 3.9% interest rate from a private owner? I don't think so. If we don't certify it, it's just used. Then all buyers will qualify for Ford credit financing. Take delivery from dealer stock by September 30th, 04. See dealer for warranty details or visit fordcpo.com.

1:25:56 Caller Guess who's stopping by for the season premiere of Two and a Half Men. Sean Penn. Nice.

1:26:05 Caller Duty.

1:26:06 Caller Honor.

1:26:10 Caller Country. These three words define who we are. Friends and neighbors united for the common good, in service to others and for the benefit of all. Honor. The deep-rooted faith that selfless dedication to a noble cause is right, just, and good. Country. A solemn vow volunteered to support our nation's people during desperate times. Mercy. In the midst of nature's wrath, hope when all seems lost. Duty. Honor. Country. We're the Army National Guard. Call 1-800-GO-Guard. That's 1-800-GO-Guard.

1:27:00 Drew Sponsored by the California National Guard.

1:27:02 Caller Paired by the California Broadcasters Association and this station.

1:27:20 Caller Whether you use a dandruff shampoo every day or only when you need it, new Selsun Blue conditioner helps ensure that your hair stays dandruff free, strong and healthy. New Selsun Blue conditioner for healthy grit looking hair. Never wear black without the blue. Selsun Blue.

1:27:36 Caller Mr. Nanky, I'm writing the ad for the new tire rotator.

1:27:38 Caller Be very precise. In newspaper ads, every letter costs money.

1:27:41 Caller I'm not using classifieds. I'm putting it on Bay Area Help wanted.com.

1:27:44 Caller What?

1:27:44 Caller Yeah, I'll have the ad up in five minutes. We'll start getting resumes immediately. And oh, we get an unlimited number of words to describe the job on Bay Area Help wanted.com.

1:27:52 Caller Unlimited words? Start writing. Being a tire rotator at Nike Tires is not a task for wissy wimps. It's a challenging job for a rugged individual who knows that a balanced tire is a happy tire. To be or not to be, that's the question.

1:28:05 Caller Whoa, who knew behind your driest host facade there exists such a passionate, dynamic individual?

1:28:12 Caller You mean me?

1:28:12 Caller Are you free Saturday night?

1:28:14 Caller After I wash my mom's hair.

1:28:15 Caller That's creepy. I'll just go put this up on bayareahelpwanted.com.

1:28:19 Caller You gotta write that down. Don't mention mom, don't mention mom.

1:28:22 Caller bayareahelpwanted.com plays as many ads as you want for one low price.

1:28:26 Caller Mom, do you think my washing your hair every Saturday night is creepy?

1:28:29 Caller You got soap in my eye, you wishy wimp.

1:28:31 Caller Sorry.

1:28:31 Caller bayareahelpwanted.com, long name, amazing results.

1:28:51 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Drew. Yeah. You watched the Emmys tonight?

1:28:57 Drew No.

1:28:57 Adam You didn't? Well, I watched a little bit of it.

1:29:00 Drew And?

1:29:01 Adam Well, I saw Jimmy Kimmel on there with Ty Pennington.

1:29:05 Drew Nice.

1:29:06 Adam My arch nemesis. And I saw when John Stewart won the Emmy.

1:29:14 Drew Oh, good.

1:29:14 Adam For the Daily Show, he saw him stand up and hug my agent. Who happens to be his agent. And thanked him out there. So James Babydoll-Dixon was very excited to have that. And those were the highlights for me. I like Gary Shandling too. I like Gary Shandling cause he doesn't work that hard. And I kind of like his relaxed pace. I don't think his world's funniest guy.

1:29:45 Drew Smart.

1:29:45 Adam But he is smart and he is funny. And I'd rather have a guy sort of air on the side of relax.

1:29:52 Drew Right.

1:29:54 Adam So sort of confident. Not ta-da.

1:29:57 Drew Yeah.

1:29:58 Adam Yeah. Ashley. You're 16?

1:30:02 Caller Yeah.

1:30:03 Adam What's happening?

1:30:10 Drew You bleed every time you have sex?

1:30:12 Caller No, I skip a period.

1:30:14 Drew Yeah. Well, that's interesting.

1:30:15 Adam Which one, homeroom?

1:30:18 Drew Study hall.

1:30:19 Adam That's a little, that's high school, that's high school humor, Drew. It's good, eh? Yeah. That was a good one. Yeah. Loaded by a 16-year-old.

1:30:33 Drew That's right. I don't know why that is, that's kind of a weird thing. Yeah, that's a weird one. Some people say that the anxiety about possibly getting pregnant will sometimes, in some cases, cause women to skip a period.

1:30:49 Caller You know what, that's what I was thinking.

1:30:50 Drew Are you super freaked out about being pregnant?

1:30:53 Caller No, I think it could be like, I haven't told my mom yet that I lost my virginity.

1:30:59 Drew Yeah. Oh, hold on.

1:31:00 Adam I know, it was about a year ago. Chief Running Bear is out.

1:31:03 Drew Oh, Ashley, what good fortune. Chief Running Bear is right outside the door.

1:31:07 Adam He's an OBGYN, he's from the Choctaw Reservation.

1:31:11 Drew He only speaks, was that a Navajo dialect?

1:31:14 Adam Yeah, I'm not sure.

1:31:16 Drew And I'll translate this for you, Ashley. He's gonna come in, he's gonna tell you how to tell your mom, first of all, why you'd be skipping your period. Secondly, how to tell your mom about, oh, Chief, Chief, here you go.

1:31:26 Adam Good to see you again.

1:31:28 Drew Pleasure.

1:31:29 Adam He has to say a prayer, Ashley, over the room.

1:31:34 Drew He's asking forgiveness for anything that might go on this evening. No, no, yeah, I know. Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, wait, Chief, Chief. Chief, I'd like to terrain too, but we gotta just stay with the prayer in the room here and over our calls. And yes, Chris, Chris, Chris.

1:31:49 Adam You know what that means now.

1:31:55 Drew Coffee, you know what that means. Right now, okay. Okay, so Chief, Ashley has had sex four times, yes? That's okay. Yeah, no s, I think he said. And each time she has sex, she skips her period.

1:32:14 Adam I know. Waka. Tenekekecheke, henewehekehene.

1:32:20 Drew Yes, yes she does, she has intercourse. Penis goes actually in the vagina. No, I mean, no hymen, no, no.

1:32:27 Adam No, no, you, henewehekehene, tenewehekehene, henewehekehene.

1:32:31 Drew So, okay, so if he was just mentioning that sometimes he has to rupture the membrane, the hymen, for some women, he also I think said that if you were his daughter. And then he'd pray to God. Pray to God that this doesn't happen to his daughter. Chief, it's okay. I'm too upset about this. So, and then the other thing, Chief, is what should Ashley tell her mom about this? Hey.

1:35:59 Adam All right, I'm back.

1:36:00 Drew He was good tonight. Chief was good. Very helpful.

1:36:03 Adam Seemed angry when I saw him in the hole.

1:36:05 Drew Yeah, a couple of things went on. Chris, never get some calls. I don't know quite what that's all about. Secondly, we had a little sort of a mini-Germany or Florida, and the chief was outraged that a deadbeat dad would end up in Florida.

1:36:19 Adam Oh yeah, there's a lot of reservations over there, or what is this, reservation?

1:36:27 Drew The Seminoles were sort of wiped out, I think.

1:36:29 Adam Oh, okay. Well, they got a college football team out of it. And secondly, big daughter. You seen her?

1:36:37 Caller A lot of bucks getting on that lady.

1:36:39 Drew He mentioned that she was down the hall. Oh, she's here.

1:36:42 Adam She's waiting for Chris.

1:36:43 Drew Chris, that's good.

1:36:44 Adam She's got big cheeks.

1:36:46 Drew You gotta talk about her face, though, right?

1:36:47 Adam No. All right, should we take a little break?

1:36:49 Drew Yeah, let's do that.

1:36:50 Adam Let's take a break. We'll be right back after this.

1:36:52 Caller Here it is.

1:36:53 Adam Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

1:36:56 Caller Tons of lame people and no decent prospect.

1:36:58 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:36:59 Caller Call the Dateline. Call the Dateline.

1:37:01 Caller 1-877-889-DATE. So get your problems ready.

1:37:09 Caller Ready.

1:37:12 Caller This hour brought to you in part by Axe. Experience the Axe Effect.

1:37:25 Adam Well, that's the show, everybody. Thanks for tuning in. Dear, dear, dear, dear friend and funny, funny woman, Sarah Silverman in Tomorrow Night. And so until next time, this Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew is saying mahalo.

1:37:40 Caller That was a good one.

1:37:41 Adam Yeah.

1:37:42 Caller Not really.

1:37:46 Adam Moded by a 16 year old.

1:37:50 Caller This has been Loveline. Loveline, the opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, September 19, 2004