Episode 1000644453149

1:03 Voiceover Loveline is meant for ndult audience. Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline.

1:24 Adam Yeah, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-V-E-191. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. Jamie Kennedy is here tonight. Hola. Jamie, you know from his many features and of course, the Jamie Kennedy experiment which was an excellent show. I think Jamie surprised a lot of people during that show. I mean, the characters, prosthetics.

1:51 Drew How far it could take it?

1:52 Adam Yeah, and be very convincing, by the way.

1:56 Jamie Kennedy Oh, thank you.

1:56 Adam Yeah, I don't know if you ever got caught. You would, really?

2:02 Drew As the show got more popular. Yeah. See, that's what he was talking about last time he was here. That could not have been two years ago.

2:08 Adam It could have been. Because I was telling him, I was telling Jamie last time he was in here because I was watching the first season. You got to stop telling people you've been axed because they'd always went, what? What does that mean? Because the show wasn't on at the time they were filming the bit. So you're telling someone, you got axed. They're like, huh?

2:27 Jamie Kennedy One guy was like, what does that mean? I'm not with the mob. Another guy always thought it was drugs. Axed, do you have any?

2:33 Adam Yeah, it's funny because every bit would end with the person looking around going, what's axed? And then they go to commercial. And then of course, six months later, when the show was on TV, well, everyone knew what axed was. I can't believe they canceled the show.

2:49 Jamie Kennedy I know, dude, it hurts me.

2:51 Adam It was an excellent show.

2:53 Jamie Kennedy Excellent, thank you.

2:54 Adam What, is it, was it an expensive show to do?

2:58 Jamie Kennedy No, it wasn't that much at all. It was probably like $6.50 an episode. It was, it was basically, I mean, that might sound expensive, I'm sorry.

3:05 Drew 300,000 listeners, heads just exploded.

3:08 Jamie Kennedy Well, I mean, usually for people listening, usually TV shows are like a million five to produce. It's like really cheap, half of whatever. But it got canceled, I think, because, I mean, our numbers weren't huge. But our show was like a TiVo, like video tape past the tape show. And the thing is, is that, here was our competition last year.

3:27 Adam Gave the network some cachet.

3:29 Jamie Kennedy Yeah, the network really got love of it. But our, last year we went against Final Year of Friends. See, but it wasn't our time slot, but basically Will and Grace.

3:39 Drew It wasn't their time slot or day or week.

3:40 Jamie Kennedy No, we were on Thursday night, but it's a follow up.

3:43 Adam The show was still in the conceptual stages.

3:46 Jamie Kennedy No one was watching anything except Friends. Okay, so at nine o'clock, we had CSI, Survivor.

3:53 Drew Well, CSI is what, eight nights a week now?

3:56 Jamie Kennedy We had Will and Grace, The Apprentice at times, and then Paris' show.

4:02 Adam They're now coming out with a CSI.

4:04 Jamie Kennedy And we were getting killed.

4:05 Drew That's tough.

4:05 Adam They're coming out with a CSI, Your House, and they're just doing one for everybody who lives in America. It's like 280 million CSI's. It takes place in your house. It's a lot for the crew, especially, but it's going to work. They haven't worked out the logistics with Craft Service yet. But it is getting to that point, because eventually, there'll be a CSI in every major city, and then it'll move into the smaller counties. And eventually, you just have to start taking over houses, right?

4:33 Drew You're missing the vote a little bit, because you're saying it's just by locality. You have to also conceive every topic in the dictionary.

4:38 Adam Oh, oh.

4:39 Drew CSI, tortilla manufacturers.

4:41 Adam There may be one for your car. And they'll say like CSI, Adam's dad's house.

4:46 Drew Right, right.

4:48 Jamie Kennedy CSI, Pacoima.

4:49 Adam Jamie Kennedy is, by the way, yeah, you want to go to a place where there's some crime. He hit Pacoima. Jamie's going to be at the Irvine Improv starting Thursday. That's tomorrow. Friday, that's the following day after tomorrow. And then Saturday, that's the day after the day after tomorrow.

5:08 Drew Where do you live?

5:09 Jamie Kennedy I live actually down the street. I'm happy with these things.

5:11 Drew So you don't live in Orange County or you're driving down there?

5:13 Adam And then Sunday. And by the way, three big shows each night, four nights going into Sunday, Thursday through Sunday, at the Irvine Improv. What are you doing? I didn't know you were a stand up.

5:27 Jamie Kennedy Oh, well, that's how I started. I basically tell jokes, do observations, stories, impressions, characters.

5:38 Adam I didn't know you started as a stand up, but I'm trying to think of where I know you from originally, because I think the Jamie Kennedy experiment sort of screwed everybody up.

5:49 Drew You've been coming on this show for years.

5:51 Jamie Kennedy Yeah, I've been on this show since the Scream movies.

5:54 Adam Right, and so that's probably where everyone first saw your puss, right?

5:59 Jamie Kennedy Yeah, they probably saw my puss when I first saw you.

6:01 Adam You were doing stand up for how long before that?

6:04 Jamie Kennedy Did it from 90 to like 95, but only like, I did like open mics, coffee houses. Did I just say houses?

6:15 Adam There's going to be a CSI houses. CSI open mic, they go to the deli smoker, they go to the improv, they go to all the places where there's open mics and they just take over the stage. Yeah, open mic.

6:30 Jamie Kennedy Open mic is tough.

6:32 Adam It's an awesome experience. Here's what open mic is. Open mic is essentially scared straight for comics. We don't want you to do stand up and here's how we're going to do it. Do an open mic and you got some bitter guy just go, don't eyeball me son. Here's what it is, 65 people show up. You got the world's most bitter comic. The guy who never made it is in charge of the open mic guy and he can't stand it because he's not getting the good slots. He just has these wrangler for these green horns that suck. And he's like, all right, listen, there's 65 of you. You're all going to draw a number out of the hat. We're going to take even numbers. The first day, Tina, you'll get up on stage. You have three minutes when Eddie Cantor's head lights up. That means you got 30 seconds. All right. Wow. You're going to get hit with a mag light over the head. If you don't wrap it up in 30. And then we shut the mic off and you go home and you never come back.

7:27 Jamie Kennedy Spoken like a true open mic or you must have done some time.

7:32 Adam It's awesome. It was awesome.

7:33 Jamie Kennedy And they also are open mic so anyone shows up like homeless people. Anyone who thinks they can tell a joke.

7:39 Adam And here's the beauty. Here's the real good part. You're so if you do make the cut from like 60 to 18 and you're on number 14, you know, now everyone in the audience for the first 10 guys, especially the seven at night are just more open mic guys that are not interested in your act. Somehow their act is going to get compared to yours. So if they laugh it up for years, they're not going to do it. So now, around guy number 11, here comes Polly Shore. He's walked in and he wants to work out some material. And Polly, now you got two and a half minutes to do your bit, but not Polly Shore. Polly Shore walks up there and he's like, so what's happening out there? Oh man. He's like looking through a notebook and he's like, he's like, yeah, I'm doing something for him. Wheeze, yeah. Yeah buddy. Yeah, the wheeze. Hey, give me a beer. Give me a Michelob. And then he like plops it down. He's like, now it's like, oh, the seasons are changing. You can see the calendar pages blowing.

8:49 Jamie Kennedy And the MC, by the way, is up his butt.

8:55 Adam Yeah, MC can't do anything because Pauly Shore gets to stay up there, work out as much. Now he's on his 45th minute.

9:01 Drew Is this just on his mom's shop or anywhere?

9:02 Jamie Kennedy No, this is at Dunkin Donuts where these open mics are held.

9:06 Adam This is anywhere. And then, and this is a few years ago now. And then by the time, now Pauly Shore's done 44 minutes, so he's used up 26 guys for the material. And then the guy gets up and goes, all right, well, it's nine o'clock now. So that concludes the open mic. Now it's time.

9:23 Jamie Kennedy Go back to eating your steak dinner.

9:25 Adam Geechie Guy's gonna be up here in just a second. And that's how it works. And he yelled at that. That's brilliant.

9:31 Jamie Kennedy Wait a minute, you must have done open mic.

9:33 Adam Yes, yes I have.

9:34 Wow, for how.

9:35 Adam So brutal.

9:36 Jamie Kennedy Geechie Guy, amazing reference right there.

9:38 Adam Thanks, thanks buddy. You know, Geechie Guy stand up comic on a cruise that Jimmy and I took to Mexico about 10 years ago.

9:48 Drew That's funny.

9:48 Adam Yeah, that was the entertainment, Geechie.

9:51 Drew That's where the girl ran up and said, am I who you think I am?

9:54 Adam Yeah, what was that? All right, oh yeah, yeah, all right, anyway. Yeah, open mic's horrible experience, yes?

10:01 Jamie Kennedy Yes, I couldn't put it any better than what you just said.

10:04 Adam And it's really, like I said, it is scared straight for comics, it is how, it's we want to get you to quit, we're gonna separate the wheat from the chaff here, we're gonna get you out of here. Yeah, to yell you.

10:16 Jamie Kennedy To survive that.

10:17 Adam And once in a while you get the constructive criticism from the guy, nobody wants to hear your stories about your mommy either. Tell jokes, okay? And wrap it up with a joke. We don't want to hear it, it's like, okay, thanks, you're telling me the kind of comedy to do now, you're yelling at me to be funny?

10:35 Drew There's a guy that looks like a homeless guy in the last comedy standing, is he?

10:38 Jamie Kennedy That guy's brilliant.

10:39 Drew Is he?

10:40 Jamie Kennedy Axe guy is absolutely brilliant. I don't know his name and he holds a coat over his thing and he was on my show. We X'd him. We did a bit at the comedy store where we had all these comics.

10:50 Adam Oh, I saw that. They thought they were auditioning for like some Sultan of Brunei or something.

10:53 Jamie Kennedy Yeah, and they were going to come over and they were going to get this great payday but they were also going to have to be sex slaves. And they didn't find that out until later on. And this guy, he's a brilliant one-liner, like straight up snappy guy. But I don't know if he won or not.

11:07 Adam Well, we'll have to watch or maybe it's done. I don't know. Anyway, Drew, don't do an open mic.

11:11 Drew Don't do an open mic.

11:13 Adam Do they have an open mic for opera singers? Because Drew sings a little opera.

11:17 Drew No, no, no. Just strictly for proctologist and pediatricians.

11:21 Adam Jamie Kennedy in studio tonight. Going to meet the Irvine improv tomorrow through Sunday.

11:26 Jamie Kennedy Not an open mic.

11:26 Adam Richard? Yeah, this is me.

11:30 Drew Oh, Crank Yankers.

11:31 Adam Oh, Richard, you're 17. Yeah. Say Crank Yankers. Just say Crank Yankers, would you, idiot?

11:44 Drew Say Crank Yankers. Say it.

11:50 Adam What is?

11:51 Jamie Kennedy Wait, was that a fake call?

11:52 Adam We're not sure.

11:53 Drew We just think it's the guy that... Anderson, drop that in for us, if you would.

11:57 Adam Yeah, it sounds like him. Oh, Anderson's not in studio tonight.

12:02 Drew Oh, he's not again.

12:03 Adam Well, there you go. There's... Forget it, Drew. Why bother?

12:07 Drew Yeah, you're right.

12:08 Adam Nicole? You're 19. What's up?

12:13 Caller Not much. I have a little bit of a dilemma. I have sex a lot, and I cannot manage to ever orgasm, except orally, but it's in a little bit of a different spot than most girls. It's not like a clitoral orgasm.

12:31 It's actually like... I guess it's the urethra, is what you want to call it.

12:35 Adam Oh, really?

12:36 Drew How do you know when your urethra is being stimulated?

12:38 Caller I can feel it.

12:40 That's the only spot that I can actually get stimulated. During sex, there's not much stimulation, but I do get wet.

12:46 Adam Mm-hmm. How far is the urethra from the clitoris?

12:51 Drew It's in the neighborhood.

12:52 Adam Don't show me a picture. No, I don't want to see a drawing. I don't want to see drawings of a vagina.

12:56 Drew I want to see.

12:57 Jamie Kennedy It's a plate, actually.

12:58 Adam All right, show Jamie where it is. I mean, how far? How many inches? Let me see.

13:04 Drew Half inch.

13:04 Adam Hold your hands.

13:05 Drew Half inch.

13:06 Adam Let me smell it.

13:06 Drew No, no.

13:07 Adam OK, that's about five eighths of an inch. All right.

13:10 Drew So it's like here. Here it is.

13:11 Adam Uh-huh. All right.

13:13 Drew Urethra.

13:14 Adam Uh-huh.

13:14 Drew Clitoris.

13:15 Adam Oh, Clitoris is at the top.

13:17 Jamie Kennedy Yeah.

13:17 Adam Oh, I always had it down here. Where's hers? Live and learn. Hey, Nicole?

13:22 Jamie Kennedy Where's the urethra? Calling from Riverside, by the way.

13:27 Adam All right, sweetie pea.

13:28 Drew I don't understand how you know when somebody is even at your urethra. That's not an area that has that kind of sensitivity. I mean, how would you even find it? How would you know that's what you got rid of her?

13:41 Adam Do you mean you? No, I didn't get rid of her.

13:47 Drew What?

13:48 Adam She cursed online.

13:50 Jamie Kennedy Oh, so you kicked her off?

13:51 Adam I don't know.

13:53 Jamie Kennedy Yeah, she did. She did curse.

13:55 Adam Look, is it too late just to run the best stuff?

13:58 Drew Yeah, let's pack it in. Jamie's got to leave at 11. Let's just call it a night.

14:02 Adam Look, we got off the bad start. And you know what, you know, let me tell you something. Show business shouldn't be much different than sports, which is what we just did is we just we went out, we missed our first 11 shots, and the coach...

14:18 Drew We just tripped over the first hurdle.

14:22 Adam Yeah, but that's taken us out. I mean, here's what I mean. We're like pitchers who went out in the first inning and got shelved. And the skipper is then just going to the bullpen.

14:31 Drew Yeah, yeah, quick, quick. Help the guy out.

14:33 Adam Yeah, listen, you had a rough night. Let's go. Tonight's not your night. Just sit down. Put the sweat jacket on and sit down. Here's some dip. Go throw a tantrum with the fungo bat there against the Gatorade cooler. There you go. All right, sit down. It'd be nice. Yeah. Okay, tonight's not our night. That's all right. We've had good nights.

14:50 Drew Absolutely.

14:51 Adam We're like, we're all stars. It's just, but even all stars get shelved every once in a while. They got to pull them in the first inning.

14:59 Drew They just hammered three out of the park.

15:00 Adam Let's just hit the dugout. That's all I'm saying. Jamie, take over.

15:05 Drew Wait, there's Nicole. Nicole's back. Nicole?

15:07 Jamie Kennedy Yes.

15:08 Drew Yes. So how is it that-

15:11 Adam She doesn't know.

15:12 Jamie Kennedy I think it's her hole. You mean where your urine comes out?

15:16 It's like the sensation that you get when you have to pee.

15:19 Caller It's like almost that sensation, but something about it causes me to orgasm. I have no sensation really in my clit. Or like in my vagina, I don't have as much sensation in there.

15:29 It's very little.

15:31 Drew Are you sure you know where all these different anatomical structures are?

15:34 Caller Yeah, I have a general idea of it.

15:36 Drew Yeah, I get you have a general idea that they're sort of down somewhere between your legs, but is there- do you actually know what you're talking about?

15:44 Adam She doesn't know. She's calling from Riverside, for Christ's sake. They think there's packing peanuts inside of people over there. They're like bleeding people, they're using leeches, they're putting spells on people. They don't have medicine in Riverside. Everyone's just cooking up crank and watching TV. They're doing the cupping. Yeah, they're probably doing a lot of exorcisms and removing demons and things like that. There's no actual medicine. It's real, it's like getting deep into the rainforest and finding a tribe of white trash. What are people doing in Riverside?

16:25 Drew Imagine what it's like right now there.

16:28 Adam Oh, let's see. Here's how you can picture Riverside. Get into a horrible, okay, here's here. You want to know what Riverside's like? Get into El Camino that's up on blocks. Have it be like a 122-degree day. You get in there, roll the windows up, no air conditioning, and then what I'll do is I'll take some mud and I'll just sort of smear it over the windshield, and you just sit there and look out. What seems like light, but you can't really make anything out.

16:58 Drew And then we're going to blow dust in through the vents.

17:00 Adam Blow dust in through the vents. That'll be it.

17:02 Jamie Kennedy That's Riverside?

17:03 Adam That's Riverside.

17:03 Drew That's the Riverside experience. Just like the Jamie Kennedy experience is the Riverside experience.

17:09 Adam I think it's experiment.

17:10 Jamie Kennedy You just killed it.

17:11 Drew Experiment.

17:12 Caller Yeah.

17:13 Adam But people must have made that mistake a few times, right?

17:16 Jamie Kennedy All the time.

17:17 Adam Jamie Kennedy experience.

17:18 Jamie Kennedy I've all, every TV show ever.

17:21 Caller Yeah.

17:21 Jamie Kennedy I'll go into tonight's challenge.

17:22 Adam It's about my Jamie Kennedy experience.

17:26 Caller Do Kimmel.

17:28 Jamie Kennedy How do you do, Jimmy? He's hard.

17:30 Adam I don't know. First, you got put on like 30 pounds. That's number one. I don't know what Jimmy sounds like.

17:39 Jamie Kennedy He's really here. He's just here.

17:41 Adam Yeah. He's just a regular guy.

17:42 Jamie Kennedy Yeah.

17:42 Adam He's an everyman.

17:43 Jamie Kennedy It's been good to me.

17:45 Adam Stephanie? I think he's a fan of yours.

17:48 I love you to death.

17:49 Adam You're 21. Who do you love?

17:52 Caller I love you guys so much. You have no idea.

17:55 Drew That's true.

17:55 Adam Thanks. All right. Go ahead.

18:00 Caller I've known my boyfriend for like four and a half years. He's almost five now and he's 19 and I'm 21, right? And okay. Here's the thing. I mean, I'm not, I'm like not ugly. I'm like pretty hot. Like I have no complaints from other guys. I mean, I try to have sex with him and like he's like so like distant to me and like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me when it comes to like sex. Like he won't make out with me. Like all my friends and stuff lying out and stuff, they'll be making out and I'll be like kind of a kiss and he'll be like, ew, ew. Like he's really charged about things.

18:32 Drew Are you sure he's your boyfriend?

18:34 Caller Yeah. I mean, I'm sure he's my boyfriend, but I mean, we've been together, we've lived together.

18:39 Drew Currently?

18:40 Caller And I mean, I try.

18:41 Drew Currently you live together? Oh, Stephanie. You currently live together?

18:45 Caller Yeah. We've been living together for four years.

18:48 Jamie Kennedy Does he watch Queer Eye for the straight guy?

18:51 Caller He's like a really like he's really manly about things.

18:54 He's like really buff and like, oh, he might feel overcompensating.

18:58 Adam Does he shave? Does he shave?

19:01 Drew Wait a minute. He's been living with you since he was 15?

19:06 Adam I got a new show, Bye Guy for the Took Eye. It's trying to convince bisexuals to have anal because normally they just do with the BJ.

19:16 Drew It's Took Eye for the Bye Guy.

19:18 Adam Took Eye for the Bye Guy. Yeah. Write that down, Drew.

19:22 Drew You know they have a queer eye in Great Britain now, a queer eye in the UK.

19:29 Adam Yeah. Like they need one over there.

19:30 Jamie Kennedy You can't wear that. It's awful.

19:34 Adam You see it?

19:34 Jamie Kennedy No.

19:36 Drew Oh yeah.

19:36 Adam Just a bunch of guys in scarves.

19:37 Drew And then of course the British, the family, the guys that they recreate, everyone's so civilized. There's like no reaction when he's brought back. Oh honey, that's sweet.

19:45 Adam What's next?

19:46 Jamie Kennedy I'm curious what you think this girl's boyfriend's problem is.

19:49 Adam I'll tell you what it is.

19:50 Drew He's done.

19:50 Adam He's done. How often do you guys have sex?

19:52 Jamie Kennedy Well, it's everybody cursing.

19:54 Adam I'll tell you why people curse on this show.

19:57 Drew It's out of respect. The FCC's gonna come.

20:00 Adam Well, here's the thing. And here's the reality.

20:03 Jamie Kennedy You have the seven second thing.

20:05 Adam Yes. And ours is like three days. Yeah, we have quite a few. Janet. Here's the whole thing. First off, people are stupid. And the people that call this show, I mean, if you think the general populace are dumb, take the callers that call this show. That is the bottom of it. That is the extra super.

20:27 Drew Extra super.

20:28 Adam Extra super crazy dumb. Okay. So you got that. Now we talk about stuff. It's like, oh, your finger blasting and corn hole and all this kind of stuff. And people are like, all right, listen what Adam's saying. Well, certainly the S word pales in comparison on the offensive meter than all the with all the disgusting talk about the anal rings and the plugs and the clitoris and all that, right?

20:59 Jamie Kennedy They're medical terms.

21:00 Adam But it does to right thinking people. We just live in a bizarre society where somehow the S word you saying, I don't give an S is unacceptable and me saying butt plug with a Briggs and Stratton motor on it, pushed up the took guy and put on high. That's fine. I've won on a technicality. That's really what it is.

21:30 Drew So the less discriminating cannot sort of sort out where the boundaries are. Our collars can't.

21:37 Adam Our collars are part animal. Actually, they're part human. They're mostly animal with a small traces of human DNA in them and to them, they just hear all the disgusting potty talk and that's it. Yes.

21:52 Drew Talk about.

21:52 Adam Yeah. All right. But here's my question to these folks. How many times you ever really heard the S word or the F word on radio?

22:02 Drew How many?

22:03 Adam You know what I mean?

22:03 Drew How many times?

22:04 Adam How many times?

22:04 Drew As opposed to the big fan of the show that Stephanie has heard us be raiding people for using it, or for attempting to come on and not having their wits crossed.

22:12 Adam Believe me, if we could use the S word, I would use it so much that you wouldn't even be Dr. Drew anymore. You'd be Dr. S.

22:19 Drew Or Dr. Effing Drew.

22:20 Adam Dr. Effing S.

22:24 Drew The S would just become a comma. It'd be a comma.

22:26 Adam Hey, welcome to F line, everybody. Jamie Effing Esser is in here tonight with the Dr. S. Thank you. It's going to Effing Commercial. That's what it would be. All right. Let's take a quick break.

22:41 Drew What kind of break?

22:41 Adam Jamie Essie Effing Esser, Effer is going to be at the Effing Irvine in S, Prav, F day, that's tomorrow, and then S day, that's Friday, and all the way through the Effing weekend for three GD Effing Essing shows, a Essing night. All right. Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back after this Effing commercial. Everybody, Drew. Time to get back and do the show, buddy. It's a loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. S. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Jamie Kennedy is in studio tonight. It's going to be at the Irvine Improv. That is tomorrow. That is Friday. That is Saturday and Sunday. Three big shows each night. Wow. Go see Jamie Kennedy in the flesh. And-

24:08 Jamie Kennedy F'ing Kennedy.

24:09 Adam One quick story before we go back, Jimmy and I, just talking about the old days of doing the open mics and how that sucks so much. Very first time I ever did an open mic thing. And it's like losing your virginity. You'll never, my voice cracked even saying it. I was like 15 again. And you just never forget that horrible experience. I went out there, you know, shaking like a leaf, did about two minutes at some comedy club. All my friends came out to watch kind of thing. And everyone was like, oh, no, no, no, it was great, it was great. And then went back to one of the friend's houses and we're going to go out again. And she was like, yeah, let me just check my messages.

24:50 Drew It was back there, you know, the tape message machines.

24:52 Adam Yeah. Oh, big, big massive size reel to reel. Big, big hubcap size reels. Oh, the thing took up the whole room. So she's listing her phone messages and it's like, call Janie and then you hear the person leaving the message and you hear her sister pick up the other line. Oh, no, Karen, I'm here. I'm here. This is her sister. Oh, hi. She's a mutual friend. What's happening? What did you do tonight? We went out and saw Adam go do stand up. Oh, how was it? Not so good. Don't ask. I don't understand or just listen to that. You want to know how you did? Listen to someone's phone conversation. What did the one stand up? She was going to take a dive for the machine. I was like, no, I need to let it play. I was like, well, what was wrong with it?

25:48 Jamie Kennedy You had to have seen it.

25:49 Adam It was bad. He really, now, I don't know if he thinks it's- This isn't his comedy thing. It was so brutal because you stumbled on to it. Oftentimes, people say, they yell something. You cut them off and they're like, hey, fat ass. You're like, yeah, you're just pissed because I cut him off. He's just pissed. It's so easy to rationalize. This, no rationalizing away. She's a nice girl who liked me, didn't want to say anything bad about me. Probably would have died if she knew I heard this. It's as brutal as it gets.

26:18 Jamie Kennedy I love when you get the backhand compliment too. I got a lady once who goes, you're so brave up there. I don't know how you do it. How do you go on and bomb night after night after night?

26:30 Adam Your skin must be like an armadillo. How do you do it? The stone silence of the fans as you sit there and go down in flames, and yet the next night you're back again for a second heaping helping of humble pie. How do you do it? I like that too. Ashley. Hello. Ashley.

26:56 Drew Call her. There you are.

26:57 Adam You're 18. What's up?

27:00 Caller Well, sometimes I wake up and my sister is trying to touch me.

27:08 Drew Do you sleep in the same room?

27:11 Adam Just trying to grop your boobs.

27:13 Drew You sleep in the same room?

27:16 Jamie Kennedy This is an all-star night.

27:17 Adam It really is.

27:18 Drew Do you sleep in the same room, Ashley? How old is your sister?

27:22 Caller She just turned 17.

27:27 Adam She is a year younger than you.

27:30 Caller Well, she is almost two years younger than me.

27:33 Adam Because you will be 19 soon.

27:35 Caller Yeah, in November.

27:37 Adam Alright. And you share the same room? You are 19 or almost 19. Maybe it is time you at least got your own pad. You know, like converted the garage or something. Or just got your own apartment.

27:51 Caller We have a really sucky garage. And I don't really have the money to move out.

27:57 Drew Alright, so what do you do with your sister? Do you bat her away? What happens? What does she claim when she is doing? Do you confront her about this? What is going on?

28:04 Caller Well, I am wondering how to confront her. Because it is getting really awkward. And when it happens, I just pretend that I am still sleeping.

28:13 Adam She doesn't sleep in the same bed as you, does she?

28:16 Caller No. She just sleeps in the same room.

28:19 Drew Why don't you just bat her away? Just cut it out. Just a simple stop. For starters.

28:25 Caller Because it is embarrassing.

28:27 Drew Have you been previously abused when you were growing up? Victimized or something? Alright. Well, that is why.

28:33 Adam And has she?

28:35 Caller No?

28:36 Drew How did she get left out of the family affair there?

28:39 Jamie Kennedy Is she a half-sister?

28:40 Caller She kind of got this fetish with boobs though.

28:46 Adam Hold on a second. Let's talk amongst ourselves. Ashley's calling from Missouri. I imagine everybody's in one huge room. I imagine Missouri's one giant room. And everybody. The governor, everybody.

28:59 Drew They're all there.

29:00 Adam They're all there. Now, he has a bigger section of the room. But they're all just under one roof. That's bizarre.

29:07 Drew It's got to be hard for Ashley. She's very confused.

29:08 Adam And there's a porch that's like 750 miles long, which is banjo playing nonstop. All right. You're 19. You should not only be thinking about getting out of the house, but if you're in the same room with somebody, you really need to be getting out of that.

29:22 Drew She's victimized. She's been victimized. She can't defend herself.

29:27 Adam How is it that her sister, and by the way, how big are your boobs?

29:31 Caller I'm a 36 double D.

29:33 Adam Oh, wow. We can't blame her.

29:34 Drew Alright.

29:39 Adam Now listen, hold on now. How is it that your sister wasn't molested and you were?

29:47 Caller Pure luck, I guess. I've had a really terrible life, and she's pretty much had it easy.

29:54 Drew Why?

29:55 Adam Hold on a second. If you ask my sister what it was like growing up, she's like, oh, Adam was the favorite. How is it, by the way? And I always say to her, how is it, what, I got great parents and you got crappy parents and they just turned it on when they're around me? No, they were crappy with everybody. I'm sure you have the same parents? All right, they were crappy to her and crappy to you too.

30:18 Caller Well, the thing is that they've pretty much cut off any money going to me, almost any, and they're still like, they'll buy her $15 pairs of socks and stuff.

30:31 Drew Yeah, she's 17. You're an adult. Effectively. So okay. They're doing you a favor. Adam's parents handed him a trash, a popcorn tin and sent him out to the garage. Popcorn tin was his toilet.

30:47 Adam They didn't know I was going to defecate in it at the time.

30:49 Drew I think they must have had an idea.

30:52 Adam And by the way-

30:53 Drew It's awfully convenient.

30:54 Adam That was a graduation gift from my extravagantly rich uncle who actually, nothing an 18 year old wants more than some cheese dusted popcorn and a Christmas motif tin.

31:10 Drew But I'm saying, multiple use tin, multi use tin. Now they knew what they were doing.

31:15 Adam It's exciting.

31:16 Drew It was diabolical.

31:17 Adam What the hell kind of gift is a popcorn tin for an 18 year old graduates high school? Very handy.

31:25 Drew That cement garage with no way into the house.

31:28 Adam My biggest lament in life is not killing myself. That's really my greatest lament. Ashley, now it's too late. It really is. Ashley? Okay. So hold on. I'm intrigued. Let's see. Who molested you?

31:47 Caller A lot of people.

31:49 Drew Who started it?

31:49 Adam Who got started?

31:51 Caller My step-great-grandfather.

31:53 Adam Step-great-grandfather.

31:57 Drew Wow.

31:57 Caller Yeah.

31:58 Adam Who was probably only... He's like 31. So he started. Then who did the molesting after that?

32:08 Caller The next person was a friend.

32:12 Drew Quaint.

32:13 Adam And then after that?

32:15 Caller Oh boy, at school.

32:17 Adam Well, now here's... You're now... Now everything's going to be molestation. Now you have your sister molesting you.

32:23 Drew Right. And she freezes and she can't come to her own defense and swat the sister away.

32:26 Adam Now, your sister, the idea that she's going after your boobs in the middle of the night suggests that she had a little trauma as well.

32:33 Drew Great-grandpa got a hold of her too, I suspect.

32:35 Caller The thing is that guys don't really like her. And she has this thing with guys who have boobs. It's kind of weird.

32:46 Adam Guys who have boobs or girls?

32:48 Caller Yeah. No, guys. See, we like to watch anime a lot, which is Japanese cartoons. And sometimes in anime, they like to have strange things like guys who have boobs.

33:02 Caller And for some reason, she likes that.

33:04 Caller And she wishes she had a guy who had boobs.

33:07 Caller Ashley.

33:08 Caller I'm the closest thing that she can get.

33:10 Adam I see. Ashley, here's something I need you to do.

33:13 Jamie Kennedy Okay.

33:14 Adam I'm going to need you to freeze yourself in liquid nitrogen until your entire family dies. And then have somebody thaw you out like 30 years from now.

33:24 Drew In the meantime, do not get pregnant.

33:27 Adam No, what are you doing? Are you working? Get out of this house.

33:30 Caller No, I go to school.

33:32 Drew Can you get out of that house, please?

33:35 Jamie Kennedy Where do you live?

33:37 Adam Just calling from Missouri.

33:38 Drew What city are you in? Kansas City?

33:42 Jamie Kennedy Oh, I thought you were kidding.

33:43 Drew You're not in Kansas City.

33:45 Adam There you go. And by the way, no. Hey, get a map of Missouri and let's go through the several hundred counties and municipalities there until we land on the one she said. I like that. You're in Missouri. Yeah? What part? Kansas City? Get the map. Get the map until we find out what part of the city.

34:14 Drew Now I must know.

34:15 Adam Where is she from? You got to guess it. You got to guess right. You guessed Kansas City.

34:20 Drew Ashley?

34:21 Caller Yeah?

34:22 Drew Where are you right now? Where are you calling from?

34:24 Caller Open.

34:26 Drew Open.

34:27 Caller It's a small town.

34:30 Adam What's it called?

34:30 Jamie Kennedy I don't know if that's weird. That's what you don't want to be right now.

34:35 Drew Open?

34:35 Jamie Kennedy Yeah.

34:36 Adam Is it called? I don't think it's called.

34:37 Drew Is it called closed?

34:38 Adam It's called like open. What's it called?

34:43 Jamie Kennedy Oh, I should have said open.

34:44 Adam Yeah, that's why I'm here because Drew doesn't hear anything, right? All right, you're calling from, no, no, what's the city called? Open? What's it next to closed on Sunday?

34:52 Drew Open's closed.

34:55 Adam Listen, Ashley? I'm guessing they don't have a large therapeutic community over there in Fulton.

35:06 Caller Well, if I go to the next biggest town, I could.

35:10 Adam What town would that be? You need to get a little, yeah.

35:13 Caller But I don't have money for that.

35:15 Drew What would the next biggest town be? What would its name be?

35:18 Caller Columbia.

35:19 Drew Columbia, all right.

35:20 Caller It's a pretty big city.

35:21 Adam That's the capitalism. And you're going to junior college, I'm guessing?

35:25 Caller No.

35:27 Adam You're going to a regular four-year college? Are your grades okay?

35:33 Caller Yeah.

35:34 Drew Can you move into a dorm there? Get out of your home there?

35:38 Caller Yeah, I'm trying.

35:39 Drew All right, there you go.

35:40 Adam That's it.

35:40 Drew Keep that up.

35:41 Adam All right.

35:41 Drew And use the student health services liberally when you get there.

35:44 Adam Right.

35:45 Drew Use the mental health services. It's free. Get a therapist. There you go. First, listen, everyone that's in college, there are elaborate, wonderful services designed specifically for your age, and they're free. Use them.

35:57 Adam Yes. And those of you coming from horrible environments, please get out of the house. Make that job one.

36:05 Drew Hear, hear.

36:05 Adam And everyone says, oh, I can't afford it. Look, here's what you do. You put school on hold for a couple semesters. You get a job. You get a roommate. You just move into a crappy apartment. That's what you do. You can really do. Yeah. Yeah, you might not be able to do it comfortably, but you can do it. It's easy. Even if you're getting minimum wage, you can do it. I moved out of three roommates in a one-bedroom.

36:28 Drew And you're cleaning carpets.

36:31 Adam I was doing labor for $6.50 an hour. You can just do it. I got to sleep on the same futon. I guess we didn't have to be in each other, but you know, that's a decision we made.

36:40 Drew Well, he was in the view. To be fair.

36:42 Adam Yeah, but I was in the guy who was in front of me.

36:45 Drew Oh, Jay-Z chain.

36:46 Adam Yeah.

36:46 Drew Jay-Z.

36:47 Adam Well, it was fun.

36:48 Drew It's a chain-linked friends.

36:50 Adam We call it more the lumberjack.

36:52 Drew Lumberjack.

36:52 Adam Yeah, we're stacked up.

36:53 Drew Yeah, lumberjack stack.

36:55 Adam Amanda? You're 19? What's up?

37:00 Caller Well, I've been married for a year and a half, and I've only gotten off once. So, I don't know what the deal is.

37:10 Drew Before your marriage, had you had orgasms? In your life, have you only had one?

37:16 Yeah.

37:17 Drew How were you able to achieve that?

37:20 Well, I don't know. It just kind of happened.

37:23 Drew Was it during intercourse or oral sex or what?

37:26 Yeah, it was intercourse.

37:28 Drew Why don't you try to recreate that again? And?

37:33 Nothing.

37:35 Adam Hmm. What about oral sex? Does he give you oral sex?

37:40 Caller Yeah.

37:41 Drew And that doesn't work?

37:43 Caller I mean, it'll get me worked up, but that's it.

37:46 Drew Well, it may be that you're just 19. You're 19. Yeah. And it kind of, a lot of women's orgasmic function doesn't really fully develop, let's say, until the early 20s.

37:58 Adam Yeah.

37:58 Drew But the fact that you could do it with intercourse is sort of, hmm, predictive, that you should be...

38:05 Adam The idea that you were able to have one during intercourse, at what age?

38:12 Drew That's pretty good.

38:14 Adam 19. Recently. So that's with your husband. Uh-huh. That's, yeah, that's interesting and it's sort of, it's either you're... It's unusual. It's unusual. You don't have the rogue orgasm very often.

38:28 Drew That's true. But she, you know, oral sex is something maybe you could help him do better.

38:32 Adam Do you think he could do a better job at that?

38:36 Caller Probably.

38:38 Drew Maybe you could help him with that.

38:39 Adam Okay. Why'd you get married so young?

38:44 Caller I just figured he was the right one, so what's the point in waiting?

38:49 Jamie Kennedy Where are you calling from?

38:50 Drew Oklahoma.

38:51 Jamie Kennedy Oklahoma.

38:53 Adam What does your husband do?

38:55 Caller He's a brick mason.

38:58 Adam Decent gig if you can get in a union. It's got to get in a union.

39:03 Caller Yeah.

39:04 Adam Yeah. Why? Is that the business your dad's in or his dad's in?

39:11 Caller Do what?

39:13 Adam Is that a family business? Does your dad do that or his dad do it?

39:19 Drew No, his dad.

39:20 Adam Okay.

39:21 Drew Let's do that again. Is that the family business that your dad or his dad does that?

39:25 Adam How's that?

39:26 Drew Is that a family business where his dad or your dad does that?

39:30 Adam No, no. No, his dad doesn't.

39:34 Drew Our callers tonight lighting up the landscape.

39:37 Adam They are reptile stupid tonight.

39:40 Jamie Kennedy This is a special show.

39:41 Adam Yeah. Normally, our callers are monkey stupid.

39:46 Jamie Kennedy I feel...

39:47 Adam But these are reptile stupid.

39:50 Jamie Kennedy Do you think I had anything to do with it?

39:52 Adam I got to believe. I got to believe.

39:54 Jamie Kennedy I didn't know we went national. When did we go national?

39:57 Drew Ten years ago.

39:59 Adam Ten years ago.

39:59 Jamie Kennedy Ten years ago, we never got a call out of like Besides Riverside or like OC.

40:05 Drew We just never told you. We don't identify it usually.

40:08 Adam Because we don't want to freak you out.

40:10 Jamie Kennedy I'm reptilian right now.

40:11 Adam We don't want to freak your ass out. All right, let's take a little break.

40:15 Drew And let's break it down.

40:15 Adam Let's break it down. Let's go now. Let's go. All right, here we go.

40:21 Jamie Kennedy We're gonna get some good calls.

40:25 Adam We'll be back right after this. Everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LVE-191, Jamie Kennedy in studio tonight. Jamie, you know from the Scream trilogy? Or they do two of those?

41:15 Jamie Kennedy They did three.

41:16 Adam They did three.

41:17 Jamie Kennedy I was killed in the second, but somehow I made it to the third.

41:20 Adam Yeah. That's all right.

41:22 Jamie Kennedy It's a filmmaking.

41:23 Adam Sure. And it's called the artistic license.

41:26 Drew Yeah.

41:26 Jamie Kennedy Yeah.

41:27 Drew Willful suspension of disbelief.

41:29 Adam That's enough. He's going to be the Irvine improv. That is tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Three big shows all three days. And then on Sunday, which I may be his people. No, wait a minute. Three big shows on Saturday. Two shows on Saturday and then Sunday, which is people Sabbath. He rested, but not after cracking some good jokes. Yeah.

41:57 Drew Not until after cracking some good jokes.

41:59 Jamie Kennedy Yeah. You go to church and tell some jokes. Oh, yeah.

42:02 Adam It was the last time you went to church.

42:04 Jamie Kennedy Yeah. When you go to church.

42:05 Adam Never. Never.

42:07 Jamie Kennedy Drew, what do you believe? Are you an atheist?

42:09 Adam Yeah.

42:10 Jamie Kennedy Agnostic? You seem like you're just a practicalgist.

42:13 Drew I am a practicalgist.

42:14 Jamie Kennedy You're just like pretty much whatever is practical.

42:17 Drew But yeah, it's true.

42:18 Jamie Kennedy But you're a realist.

42:20 Drew I'm trying to find a spiritual side. I'm looking.

42:22 Jamie Kennedy I was raised Catholic. Am I crazy?

42:24 Drew I was raised Jewish.

42:25 Adam Oh, really? Do you have a yarmulke and stuff?

42:27 Drew I guess I did. I went to Saturday school till I was like nine.

42:33 Adam Yeah. I'll tell you, I'm giving Allah a second look. I know he's got a little bad press over the last few years, but I've given it some thought. It seems like it is a religion.

42:43 Drew Important.

42:44 Adam If you're a dude, it seems like the way to go.

42:46 Jamie Kennedy Virgins.

42:47 Adam You know what I mean? You get the virgins, your wife. I mean, you just beat her over the heads. No big deal. You just drag her around. She's got to wear a sleeping bag when she leaves the house. It's awesome. They don't talk back. I mean, you don't really do that. As a woman, you may not want to get into that, but as a dude, you have to be perfect for this. Good religion.

43:07 Drew Oh, she'll be just.

43:09 Adam Honey, put the end. Learn how to do that thing, would you? Put this guy. I may be. Yeah. Alice, my guy. Yeah. I said he just needs a publicist. That's all.

43:25 Drew That's all bad.

43:26 Adam That's all right. Lena?

43:29 Yeah.

43:31 Adam By the way, it all makes such perfect sense. You're 22? Yeah. Trouble in the Middle East, by the way. Shocked. I can't believe it. I cannot believe it. That'll blow over.

43:42 Drew It is a point that's what I'm nodding to is orthodoxy.

43:45 Adam Oh, come on.

43:45 Drew That troubles me. Anyway, what's up, Lena?

43:47 Hey, I have a question for Dr. Drew.

43:50 Drew Yeah.

43:51 I have a geographic tongue.

43:53 Drew Congratulations.

43:54 Thanks, I guess.

43:55 Jamie Kennedy What is that?

43:55 Drew It's a tongue that looks like a map. When you stick your tongue out, it looks like a map.

43:59 Jamie Kennedy Really?

44:00 Drew It looks geographic.

44:01 Adam Really?

44:02 Jamie Kennedy Why is that?

44:03 Drew Well, it's smoking cigarettes, yeast.

44:05 Adam It's all full of lines and stuff.

44:07 Drew It's like little continents.

44:09 Adam Oh, really?

44:10 Drew They sort of drop out of... Yeah, it's drop out of Papilla. Really? Are you born with that or you...

44:17 I've had it since I was about three or four months old.

44:20 Drew They don't really know what caused it. There's no treatment for it. There's no necessity. There's no necessity of treatment.

44:25 Yeah, no, it's pretty benign.

44:27 Drew Yeah, so what's the question?

44:29 So, actually, I wonder if it makes me more susceptible to STDs. Like, in the past, I was with guys and I was always very safe, but now I have a girlfriend and really we never use dental dams or anything.

44:43 Adam So, I was like, with a guy, you could get a pocket of semen from like three months ago that was just wedged in Crater Lake by the way, in your tongue, right?

44:51 Drew Yeah, or you could just reenact some nuclear holocaust or something, you know what I'm saying?

44:56 Adam Crazy, yeah, just got a girlfriend now.

44:58 Drew Yeah, but Lena, you're not practicing safe sex, so obviously your risks are greater just by virtue of that fact, but there's nothing about the geographic tongue, no. That I'm aware of.

45:09 Adam What's the deal, you're bisexual?

45:12 Yeah.

45:12 Adam All right, what happened, you get molested?

45:15 No, I've had a fine home life and a wonderful education which seems to set me apart from everyone else tonight.

45:23 Jamie Kennedy Yeah, you're just open, I like that.

45:25 Drew You were just there flexible.

45:27 Yeah.

45:28 Jamie Kennedy And if you see a guy down the street, you like him, you might be with him too, right?

45:32 Well, yeah, except that right now I'm in a community.

45:34 Drew You got a girl, yeah, she's in a relationship. All right. Where'd you go to college? In St. Louis?

45:41 Another city in Missouri, by the way.

45:43 Adam All right, Wash U.

45:45 Drew It's a great school. I spoke there, about when you were there, I think.

45:49 Adam After you say what college you went to.

45:51 Drew I spoke there about three years ago.

45:52 Adam Oh, you did die.

45:52 Drew Two years ago, yes I did.

45:53 Adam All right, Lena.

45:55 Drew It's a great school, got a great medical school.

45:57 Adam All right, well good luck. Thanks. And go fight in Kleenex or whatever, Wash U.

46:04 Drew Washington University.

46:05 Adam All right, baby doll. Have fun with that girlfriend of yours. I plan to.

46:10 Drew We'll have a good time.

46:11 Adam All right, she's fine with the geographic tongue. Gabriel, who's 19 over here, wife complains he wants too much sex. Yes, Gabriel?

46:23 Caller Yeah, I just like to say thanks for letting me get on and everything. And yeah, my wife says that I'm over sexed and I had a question just to kind of put her thoughts to rest on that. How often or much can a guy go in one night and still keep going? Or however I want to put that, am I over sexed?

46:45 Adam Well, we're going to have to ask Mr. Al. A one, a two, a three. Yeah, I don't know. You're 19, you can go.

46:57 Drew And go and go.

46:58 Adam And just keep going.

46:59 Drew Well, let's talk about it after the break. And unfortunately, Jamie will not get to hear the answer to this one.

47:04 Adam He will because he'll listen to it in his town car on the way back to his palace where all the TV people live.

47:10 Drew Palaces.

47:11 Adam All right. Jamie Kennedy in tonight, only staying for the first hour, so we have to say bye to him.

47:16 Jamie Kennedy Thank you guys for having me.

47:18 Adam Hey, Jamie. Always a good time when you come in on the show. You can come in anytime you like.

47:23 Jamie Kennedy All right, I want to know if you want to do an open mic.

47:25 Adam Yeah, Jamie and I are going to go. We're going to go hit the Cheesecake Factory out in Irvine.

47:30 Drew But if you miss him there, he'll be at the Irvine Improv.

47:33 Adam Yeah, all week. Yeah. With a quick break, we'll be right back.

47:38 Jamie Kennedy So I know there's nothing wrong with me.

47:39 So what's up? So I was like, you know, I used to think that these datelines were totally cheesy.

47:44 Caller But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

47:48 Jamie Kennedy I called the dateline and I hooked up with some cool people.

47:50 Caller Believe it or not, other normal people are out there looking too.

47:52 877-889-DATE.

47:56 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:57 Jamie Kennedy This hour brought to you in part by AXE.

48:29 Adam Everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Fond of our 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1, Jamie Kennedy has left the building. All right. Now, when we left off, we're speaking to Gabriel. Gabriel's 19. He's married. Talking a lot of young married folks.

48:47 Drew Yeah, a lot tonight. All 19.

48:50 Adam Yeah.

48:51 Drew 19 and 21.

48:52 Adam Right.

48:53 Drew Don't they read the statistics on these marriages? They don't work.

48:56 Adam You used the word read.

48:57 Drew Don't they? Aren't they aware? Don't they?

49:01 Adam Yeah. No, they don't. No, they don't. Gabriel? Yeah. So why did you get married at 19?

49:10 Caller Well, I guess I found the right one like one lady said before, but really probably since about 15 or 16, I've been looking for a girl to spend a lot of quality time with and really get to know and stuff. But I found one that likes to spend quality time with me.

49:27 Adam Trying to hump the crap out of?

49:29 Drew Yeah.

49:30 Caller Yeah.

49:30 Drew That's the quats with iemah quality time.

49:32 Adam Oh, I guess.

49:33 Drew How dare you?

49:36 Caller All right.

49:36 Adam So you found out how old were you when you met your wife?

49:40 Caller Actually, it was about a year ago we met.

49:44 Adam Yeah.

49:44 Caller We got married after about nine months. So it wasn't too long or too short.

49:51 Adam That's right. And by the way, when you meet someone at 18, and you've been with them for six months, that's half your life. So why not get married?

50:01 Drew Well, think about it this way.

50:01 Adam You meet someone at 35, you're with them for three years, it's not enough time.

50:06 Drew At 19, you're with them for a year. You've been pubertal for six years, sort of adult, quasi-adult for about a year and a half. That's your entire adult life.

50:16 Adam Entire adult life. All right. So you've been with her your whole life. And now, how often will she let you have sex with her?

50:27 Caller Well, she'll let me have sex with her every night, but she just says that sometimes it's too much.

50:34 Drew Because why?

50:35 Caller Well, I don't know. It's her own preference, I guess. I don't know.

50:40 Drew And what is her preference? Probably once or twice in a session.

50:47 Caller Yeah.

50:48 Drew Gabriel, I can't read your mind. Can't read your mind, buddy. So you're going to have to be explicit with me here. What is her problem, and what is your wish?

50:57 Caller Well, usually I track for like five times a night, or five times in like two or three hours.

51:02 Drew Does that mean five orgasms?

51:04 Caller Yeah. For me and her both, hopefully.

51:09 Drew But she's not up for that.

51:11 Caller Well, sometimes she is, sometimes she isn't. Just kind of depends on the night.

51:14 Adam No. The reason you're calling is because she isn't. Because sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't.

51:20 Drew By the way, how does she have time to do anything else? Does she have a job or do you work?

51:25 Caller Yeah, I work. I've got a job and everything. I'm a janitor, but it's not too rigorous of work, so I got a lot of extra energy.

51:33 Adam All right. Here's the whole thing. You need something to do. You need something to keep you busy. I don't know if you got to build ships in a bottle or- Maybe you just need to infect yourself with the Epstein-Barr virus. I did that. I just rammed a pen, infected with Epstein-Barr right into my arm. It slowed me down.

51:53 Drew That's good.

51:55 Adam No, here's the thing. You're a janitor. Your job should be to try to get a better job. That means taking night courses. That means finding a specific field of study or something you're interested in. You need to pursue things.

52:11 Drew Put that energy into some, put that libido into some other life force.

52:15 Adam Right.

52:16 Drew Other than sex.

52:17 Adam Then other than your wife and the futon. Yeah. Sometimes even the pets that are nearby. Yeah. You need something to do because here's the thing. If you show up and your only hobby is getting it on with your old lady and you got plenty of energy and plenty of time to kill, you're going to give her a workout every night and then that's going to freak her out.

52:35 Drew Yeah, five times a day.

52:38 Adam Gabriel. You're janitor now.

52:43 Caller Yeah, but I'm looking for more gainful employment.

52:45 Drew Yeah.

52:46 Adam What are you looking to do?

52:48 Caller Just about anything that's not a janitor.

52:52 Drew If you had your choices.

52:53 Adam What would you like to do?

52:56 Caller Any kind of engineering, any kind of inventing of some kind like that. Electronics, technical, whatever.

53:03 Drew Are you trained that way?

53:06 Caller Self-trained some, but I want to be trained.

53:08 Adam I could see you. I could see you, let's say, designing a commercial aircraft.

53:13 Drew I'm building it out. Not just designing, building it out.

53:16 Adam You understand there's degrees and things you got to get so people let you do that, right?

53:22 Caller Yeah, definitely.

53:25 Drew You plan to do that?

53:26 Adam You want to do that?

53:28 Caller Maybe.

53:30 Adam All right.

53:31 Drew What is that thinking? Wait a minute. There's some very disturbed thinking going on here.

53:34 Adam I wouldn't call it disturbed. It's just 19-year-old thinking. It's just he happens to be married. You understand? Here's what happens. We talked a lot of 19-year-olds who have three kids and have been married for four years. We're like, well, this is dad, this is the husband, the father, the provider. What kind of talk is this? You don't know what you want to do or you're busy. No. You do this or that.

53:57 Drew That's not what I'm complaining about. I'm complaining about the fact that he goes, I want to be an engineer. I want to be a rocket scientist. Well, you're going to need to get some degrees. That's right. You're going to look into that.

54:10 Adam Listen, you're explaining what more means by the way. Hey, Gabriel.

54:15 Drew Yeah.

54:15 Adam You do sound like an intelligent guy who probably didn't do too well in school.

54:22 Caller Yeah, I couldn't focus. I was too social. I was one of those types that was like the class clown.

54:26 I always ended up in trouble.

54:29 Adam All right. We're just looking down the road. When you call the show 10 years from now, you don't have to tell us it's Gabriel the janitor.

54:36 Caller No, hopefully not. More than likely not.

54:39 Drew What's the plan for how that's not going to happen?

54:42 Caller Well, I'm planning on trying to get to go to school, working up, getting in touch with like student aid and different things like that.

54:48 Drew What are you going to study in school?

54:50 Caller Well, I'm going to start off with some engineering. I have to go and actually check out the courses at the college before I can do anything.

54:58 Drew Why? Why don't you go?

55:00 Adam He's taking engineering.

55:01 Drew He's going to college. He's got to go do it. He does or he doesn't. I have so no patience with thinking about maybe getting around to go do it.

55:11 Adam You're going to give your kids an eating disorder.

55:13 Drew Go do it.

55:14 Adam Leave the kids alone. Look at my mother.

55:17 Drew That's what I'm talking about.

55:18 Adam My mother graduated Valley College when she was like 62. Look at her. She got her Chicano Studies degree. She's doing great now. Living in the house her mom bought 50 years ago and not working. But it's all, I mean, Drew, come on, buddy. She got her education. Yeah, she got.

55:40 Drew Gabor wants to build the aircraft carriers though.

55:43 Adam Yeah. All right. Chicano Studies degree. You see my mom, right? Looks like the Pillsbury Doe girl. Yeah.

55:53 Drew I haven't seen her a long time. Well, I mean, your wedding. I saw your wedding, but one of the strangest.

55:58 Adam Tom Petty White, by the way.

56:00 Drew Tom Petty White, here are two, strangely enough.

56:02 Adam Got the Chicano Studies degree on her belt. Fantastic. It's a gold mine. It's a gold mine. It is a gold mine.

56:11 Drew So much you can do with it.

56:13 Adam It's a gold mine. A gold mine. Go ahead, Drew. What were you saying?

56:19 Drew What's the guy that- Gold mine. Huel Hauser, maybe he can put her to work. He's into that kind of thing.

56:24 Adam Oh, yeah. Send her down to the Manuto Factory in San Fernando. Sure. Fantastic.

56:31 Drew Gold mine. My strange is Adam Crowell's mom story though, however, was when you and I were on Conan. We went to New York, flew out there. The show's over, we finished, do our things. Audience stands up, and this is Adam's mom. I said, Conan in New York City.

56:48 Adam Did you spot her?

56:49 Drew I'm like, that's a woman who looks like your mom out there. It's weird. He goes, Adam goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, she was going to, yeah, she came out. She would have to be in New York at the same time as us.

57:00 Adam She was in New York. I don't know what the hell she was doing. No, no, no, don't get anyone think she was there in business or anything. She was just sort of flopping at someone's place with my stepdad.

57:13 Drew Still though, what a weird experience.

57:15 Adam Yeah, it was. I forgot she was there.

57:18 Drew You said hi to her and then sent her on her way, mind you.

57:20 Adam Well, then what's she talk about? Sadie?

57:24 Caller Yeah.

57:24 Adam You're 15? What's happening?

57:28 Caller Not much.

57:30 Adam Why did you call the show?

57:32 Caller Well, you see, because when I have sex, I have the urge to have to go to the bathroom.

57:41 Drew That's a fairly common. Has it only started recently or is that every time?

57:47 Caller Yeah, like the first three times I had sex, it never happened with the first three guys. And like after that, every single guy, I have to go to the bathroom.

58:01 Adam All right. You're only 15, baby doll.

58:04 Caller Yeah, I know.

58:05 Drew I'm really concerned here. What's this all about?

58:09 Adam Marginally concerned. Why? Are you acting out?

58:14 Caller What do you mean?

58:16 Adam Well, I mean, it seems like you've been through quite a few guys at a very young age.

58:22 Caller Well, it happens.

58:25 Drew It happens, but it happens with people that are having problems or have had problems or been traumatized or in need of help.

58:32 Adam You had any problems?

58:34 Caller Well, like, I've never been, like, molested or raped or anything. Just, like, I've lived, like, in different families a lot.

58:47 Drew Why?

58:47 Caller Just, like, my parents weren't stable enough.

58:53 Drew And so you've been in foster families?

58:55 Caller No, no, like, um, like, my aunt.

59:02 Drew Your parents drug addicts?

59:05 Caller Yeah, my mom and my dad were, yeah.

59:07 Drew Are you a drug addict? Okay, good. I'm gonna check that one off the list, at least.

59:12 Adam Well, give her time. She's only 15.

59:14 Drew Yeah, it's just, she'd be into it already, probably.

59:16 Adam All right, so having drug addict parents and being passed off to the aunt's house.

59:21 Drew Fair, very traumatic.

59:23 Adam Very traumatic.

59:24 Drew Yeah. And so this now is some sort of attempt to rekindle intimacy, closeness to other people is the only way you feel whole. It's not good. It's not, we're looking through our crystal ball into the future and we don't see good things on this road. Mm-hmm. On this road. The peeing thing, yes, it's common to irritate the urethra and for women to have an urge to pee. Doesn't necessarily mean you're going to lose your urine during intercourse. It could mean you have a urine infection, so somebody should check your urine to see.

59:50 Caller Well, like, I've had like physicals, like for cheerleading, like different kinds of sports.

59:57 Adam That's a decent gig. Yeah, I'll be a pep team over here. I'll be conducting physicals. I'm going to need you to drop the panties with your name on the back. A little look-see down there. No, no, keep the skirt on. Yeah, that's what I would do. If I was a doctor, I would only do cheerleading physicals.

1:00:17 Drew With skirts on, panties down.

1:00:19 Adam You got to come in the outfit. I see. Yeah, it is a cheerleading physical after all.

1:00:25 Drew Some sort of remnant, traumatic experience you had as a deprived high school student. As jobs go.

1:00:35 Adam Filter out the dudes and a lot of the older broads. Sadie?

1:00:39 Caller Yeah?

1:00:41 Adam All right, so you had the physical. Everything was good?

1:00:44 Caller Yeah, there was like no, like anything wrong with my bladder.

1:00:49 Drew Excellent. All right. Sadie, cool out here.

1:00:52 Adam Chill out, baby.

1:00:54 Drew Maybe get a boyfriend.

1:00:55 Adam Get a boyfriend.

1:00:56 Caller I have one.

1:00:58 Adam Okay, well, fight to keep him. And you're going to get pregnant.

1:01:03 Caller No, I'm not.

1:01:05 Drew How not?

1:01:06 Caller Because I'm, they're always like, it's always protected sex.

1:01:11 Drew Condoms?

1:01:13 Caller What?

1:01:13 Drew Condoms?

1:01:15 Caller Yeah.

1:01:16 Okay.

1:01:16 Drew Because you're smart and you're fastidious and you're careful, right?

1:01:18 Caller Yeah, because my mom was pregnant with me at a very young age.

1:01:23 Drew How old was she?

1:01:24 Caller She was 18.

1:01:25 All right.

1:01:26 Drew Oh, boy. You've got three years to figure it out here.

1:01:28 Adam All right. Come on now. Let's go.

1:01:29 Drew Break it down, Sadie.

1:01:31 Adam Get those grades up. Go off to college somewhere, huh? Okay. All right.

1:01:37 Drew All right.

1:01:37 Adam Are you studying in school?

1:01:40 Caller Actually, I haven't gone to school yet.

1:01:43 Adam I see. Why not?

1:01:46 Caller Because I moved again. I was living with my mom again over in Stevenville and then moved to K-PALS.

1:01:57 Adam So you went to Stevenville. So that's, oh, that's a good, dad says crow flies. That's about a hundred miles. So you got about almost 70 miles, yeah?

1:02:07 Caller No.

1:02:08 Adam How far is it from Stevensville to Shelbyburg or wherever you're from?

1:02:15 Caller I don't know how many miles, but it's like four and a half hours.

1:02:18 Adam All right. Well, I was on a donkey, right? No. All right. Do well in your new school. Try not to have sex with the student body. Oh. Oh, the moving around as a kid, uprooting, dumped off at the, dumped off at the aunt's house, drug addict parents, going to, just going to a new school. I wouldn't have left, by the way. Like, when I was in junior high or high school, if my folks wanted to leave town and we're moving up north or something, it would have been, hey, adios. Absolutely. It would have never went.

1:02:57 Drew I can see that.

1:02:58 Adam I would just crash at a friend's house.

1:02:59 Drew Right.

1:03:00 Adam Absolutely. Any time after the age, I'd say.

1:03:03 Drew 15.

1:03:04 Adam I was going down around 13, 14. Yeah.

1:03:08 Drew Mark.

1:03:09 Adam You're 25?

1:03:12 Caller Yes, I am.

1:03:13 Adam Yeah. What's happening?

1:03:14 Drew Old caller.

1:03:15 Caller Yeah. Well, first off, you guys are great. I think you're both very smart and funny.

1:03:22 Adam Thanks, Mark.

1:03:24 Caller What happened is my girlfriend and I live together, and she caught me masturbating to internet porn, and she freaked out, and this happened like two days ago, and it's just kind of been hell for me since.

1:03:38 Adam What kind of freak out did she do?

1:03:39 Drew What did she do?

1:03:41 Caller Like, you know, how can you do this? This is disgusting, and it just, a lot of...

1:03:49 Drew Well, the disgusting part, she got a point.

1:03:52 Adam I mean, it was such an episode, Mark could barely finish.

1:03:56 Drew Yeah.

1:03:56 Adam It just barely finished.

1:03:58 Drew I mean, it's sad and disgusting.

1:04:01 Adam What kind of internet porn, by the way? Something specific?

1:04:04 Caller I mean, not too bad, just, I mean, just naked girls. And, you know, occasional lesbians, but...

1:04:12 Adam Right. Does she have, does your girlfriend have any kind of history where she was being objectified or anything like that?

1:04:19 Caller And I listen to her show, the only thing I can think of is she went through, her parents went through a nasty divorce when she was like 13 and 14.

1:04:28 Adam I was gonna ask, by the way, if her dad cheated.

1:04:31 Drew Oh, interesting.

1:04:35 Adam Interesting. Dad, the mom's cheating could have been payback.

1:04:38 Drew After the dad, yeah.

1:04:39 Adam My guess is dad cheated, and that freaks a girl out, by the way. When a 12- 13- 14-year-old girl finds out that dad was on top of his secretary, it totally freaks him. By the way, I'm just trying to think of basic sort of psychological damage you can do to your daughter without actually physically molesting her, doing anything like that. You know, you want to F your kids up naturally, but you don't want to do any prison time.

1:05:06 Drew Think about this. I believe that one of the reasons women are so resistant to being realistic about how men actually are is to admit that dad is that way too. Interesting. And dad behaving like a man, like cheating with some floozy.

1:05:23 Adam Right.

1:05:23 Drew Blows through all that defense and makes them sort of realize that it could be dad.

1:05:30 Adam Because dad sort of is every man, then it's a nightmare. So, I mean, if your daughter finds out you've been cheating, it freaks her out in every relationship from that point forth. Let's face it. Really, I would even put it up there, depending on when she found out you're cheating, with molestation at a certain level.

1:05:52 Drew Less in terms of her personality and character structure, but very intense in terms of her interpersonal experiences.

1:05:58 Adam Yes. Less in terms of her acting out, but on a par with that in terms of stability in a relationship. So, Mark.

1:06:09 Drew And strangely, they always get the guys to do something that's interpreted as cheating.

1:06:14 Adam Yeah. So, Mark, there's really a... Here's what you need to do. And here's what I... And we always talk about this, and I believe it's the best advice. You need to say to her, look, get over it. I'm 25. I got this computer. It's essentially... It's a window to all pornography that has ever been created. It's a magic... Call the magic window. Then it makes sense. Like, don't call the computer. It's not the thing you pay... Don't look at this thing you pay your bills on and email your stepdad with.

1:06:47 Drew By the way, it never meant to... That window does not compute. Computing is not what it's used for anymore.

1:06:52 Adam Look at it as a magic window to every piece of pornography that's ever been created. And then try to tell me not to look into it.

1:07:01 Drew Don't look through.

1:07:02 Adam Don't look through the magic window. Call it the magic window. That's what I do at my house.

1:07:07 Drew Magic looking glass.

1:07:08 Adam Magic... Magic... The point is, it's like you were looking at porn. Of course it was in the magic box. And not the computer. Yeah, see, you look at it as a thing.

1:07:22 Drew Computers are the math homework.

1:07:25 Adam This is the magic box. You start labeling it that. You can't not look at pornography.

1:07:31 Drew What about the last time you did some computing on a computer?

1:07:34 Adam I didn't know. I just thought it was all... I thought it was... I knew you could do eBay, Google searches, and then porn. I didn't even know. I don't think there's actually any computing going on.

1:07:45 Drew There isn't.

1:07:46 Adam It's the magic box. Can't blame a guy for looking. Here's what I'm saying. You tell her, look, sweetie, get over it. This ain't no big deal. I don't cheat on you. I love you. This is what 25-year-olds do. And you're freaked out over it because of whatever. Calm down. I do believe that people who are spinning out a little want a yank on the chain. I really do. I do believe they're like animals in a certain sense.

1:08:11 Drew They do, but it has to be delivered in a very specific kind of way. You can't do it aggressively. You have to firmly, but not...

1:08:18 Adam I think, I've given Drew this advice in his own relationship many times, when you start backpedaling, they end up getting more momentum and feel more out of control oftentimes. They need containment, yeah. It's like they're on a shopping cart going down a steep hill, and you backing up makes the hill steeper. They need to be sort of reigned in a little bit. Now, if you get caught banging one of their friends, it's going to be a tough sell. But you go up to the Playboy Mansion to do Politically Incorrect, for instance, Drew, oh, did his wife give it to him. His wife, you know what he did? She took those garden shears, the big ones, she lopped his nuts off and then yelled, turn two. She threw it up, hit it with the fungal bat, and the kids actually took infield with his scrotal sack.

1:09:07 Drew And completed a double play, strangely enough.

1:09:09 Adam Yeah, turned a nice double play. It was a nice dig, by the way. Your son at first base? Short hopped the sack and just took it clean right off. Kept the foot nice and stretched, too. Yeah, all right. I don't appreciate the runner trying to take your son out at second, but you know, that's how the game is played. That's the game. All right, let's take a break. Yeah, we'll be right back after this.

1:09:32 Drew Hello.

1:10:10 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Ace. That's Dr. Drew over there. Oh yeah.

1:10:20 Drew Oh yeah.

1:10:21 Adam Oh yeah. Come a man, Chris.

1:10:24 Drew Speaking of, oh yeah.

1:10:25 Adam Working the potentiometers over there. Smooth job over there, buddy.

1:10:29 Drew Seth MacFarlane coming in towards the end of the month.

1:10:32 Adam Seth MacFarlane coming in. Yeah. Hey, everyone loves the Family Guy now.

1:10:37 Drew Everyone loves the Family Guy.

1:10:38 Adam It's a weird thing. I know it just sounds like revisionist history, but four years ago when the show was on, I was like, hey, Family Guy, and everyone was like, huh, what, huh, huh. Now everyone's like, oh, the family's great. Love the Family Guy. Just took people a little while to get on that train.

1:10:55 Drew It is a show that requires two episodes. Viewing of two episodes. And then you're in, you're just stuck.

1:11:03 Adam Right. Whereas this show, you're tired of it after two.

1:11:05 Drew Two segments, you're tired.

1:11:08 Adam Two segments, that's what I meant. Oh, you thought I meant episodes?

1:11:10 Drew Two shows, that's what I meant.

1:11:11 Adam No, no, segment, segment, segment. All right, you ready?

1:11:14 Drew Yeah.

1:11:14 Adam You gonna get back to the phones? Do we leave off anywhere?

1:11:18 Caller No.

1:11:18 Adam All right. Sarah?

1:11:21 Caller Yeah.

1:11:21 Adam You're 19?

1:11:22 Caller Yes.

1:11:23 Adam What's up?

1:11:24 Caller Well, I just want to say first off, you guys are hot.

1:11:28 Adam Thanks, baby doll.

1:11:31 Caller The situation is my friend, we've been friends for probably about four years now, and one night things got kind of crazy, and we ended up doing things together, I guess sleeping together.

1:11:45 Adam Female friend?

1:11:46 Caller Yes.

1:11:48 Adam Did you guys have oral sex?

1:11:52 Drew As opposed to?

1:11:53 Adam Well, I guess if you're going to sleep together as women, that's as much as you can do, right?

1:11:59 Drew Well, no.

1:12:00 Caller Yeah?

1:12:02 Adam Okay. Oh, really? You get like vibrators and stuff or?

1:12:07 Caller Sure.

1:12:09 Adam Strap-ons?

1:12:12 Drew Uh-uh.

1:12:15 Adam Did you have a strap-on?

1:12:18 Caller You know, I just go for the real thing.

1:12:20 Adam Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. That's my thing. It's like I don't need some dude with a strap-on behind me. I can have the real thing.

1:12:28 Caller Exactly.

1:12:29 Jamie Kennedy Yeah.

1:12:32 Adam Yes.. Sotomizing me. All right then… So you're bisexual?

1:12:41 Caller I guess.

1:12:42 Adam Alright. So what's the question?

1:12:44 Caller The question is I did this with her but she, I don't know what it is about her. I guess that was her first sexual experience I mean, I've had a lot of experience with another female, but she's just, I think, a little attached or something now, and I'm just not doing my way about her.

1:13:02 Adam You're not really into her that way?

1:13:05 Caller Well, I mean, there is that sexual attraction, but I just, I don't know, she always wants to partake in something like that when we see each other now.

1:13:18 Drew Does she want to date and have a relationship?

1:13:20 Caller No, she just wants to have sex.

1:13:24 Adam Yeah. Well, you don't want to do that?

1:13:26 Caller Well, I don't know. We were pretty drunk, but I guess that doesn't really change the way we are.

1:13:34 Adam You're not as attracted to her. Drew just whacked the microphone with his glasses, by the way. You're now using tools to punish the microphone.

1:13:43 Drew No, this is sort of like an evolution.

1:13:45 Adam No, that's what I'm saying. You look back at early man, you'll see at a certain stage when you're digging the fossils up, he started using tusk and bone and rocks and stuff.

1:13:54 Drew The hand axe.

1:13:55 Adam The hand axe. You'll be entering the Bronze Age. Soon enough, you'll be dumping molten bronze on it. Maybe the iron first. No, bronze. Then we'll get into the iron and eventually, you'll be smelting steel back there and then composite materials. You'll be like magnesium and things like that. All right. Where are we?

1:14:21 Drew Sarah.

1:14:22 Adam Oh, yes. Yes. All right. Are we done with that? I don't know. So what? Tell her you don't want to have sex.

1:14:28 Drew That's it. Sarah, what do you want from her?

1:14:33 Adam You're so hot. No one can resist you. You're so hot. Oh my God. It's unfair. It's unfair for someone as hot as you to give just a sample of your hotness and not expect everyone to come back for a second helping. It must be difficult being so hot, Sarah.

1:14:50 Drew How am I supposed to handle this?

1:14:52 Adam Oh, it's got to be tough. Just go back to junior college and leave us alone, would you? All right. So what? All right. I feel bad. I'm sorry. I'm frustrated. Sarah, just tell her you're done. Tell her you don't want anything.

1:15:14 Caller We had a lot of fun that night.

1:15:16 Adam All right. Well, then have sex with her. It's a non-question. I can't tell you. You enjoyed it. You didn't enjoy it. You want to do it again. You don't want to do it again. If you're ambivalent, the person is going to pick up on the ambivalence and they're going to try to exploit it. Absolutely. It's like a kid. It's like, Danny, can we stop? No. You don't do that. You just start beating the crap out of the kid with a slipper. That's what you do. That's how the kid knows, right, Drew?

1:15:47 Drew That's how.

1:15:48 Adam You use a hairbrush, right?

1:15:50 Drew Well, some people might.

1:15:51 Adam My dad used to pick.

1:15:53 Drew Oh, that's nice.

1:15:54 Adam With the fist on it, the black pick.

1:15:58 Drew That you meant like a miner's pick.

1:16:00 Adam No, no. No, that would have been a tool.

1:16:04 Drew Yeah, your dad can't handle tools.

1:16:06 Adam He doesn't own them. Doesn't know. I think my dad thinks you have to have a license to have a screwdriver or a crescent wrench.

1:16:13 Drew You better describe that pick again because I'm just thinking to myself, I don't think there could possibly be a single listener who knows what the F you're talking about.

1:16:20 Adam Chris, you know what a hair pick is? You know what a pick is?

1:16:23 Jamie Kennedy Hair pick? Pick.

1:16:28 Adam Pick.

1:16:28 Drew Have you ever seen it?

1:16:30 Adam Now, we're talking about brushes, right? So you know we're on the topic of hair grooming, right? Then we say hair pick. Now, don't know what a pick is.

1:16:39 Drew Notice Adam also threw in that it had a black power fist on it?

1:16:43 Jamie Kennedy Yeah.

1:16:44 Drew How could that work? See, Adam, you got to describe it.

1:16:46 Adam Well, let's do that. Let's puzzle.

1:16:47 Jamie Kennedy Well, I could go on the yoke.

1:16:49 Adam No, I know. We could go on the magic box. But let's just see if we can piece together what we've gotten so far. We've got hairbrush. Right, right. We've got hair pick. So we know it's sort of in the family of the head and grooming. Comb and brush. Then we got the black power fist on the pick. Sweet. All right. Now.

1:17:15 Drew No commentary needed.

1:17:16 Adam Just take it in. Take it in. Now, you're starting to think of ideas of what this device may be? What do you think?

1:17:24 Drew Draw it.

1:17:27 Adam Yeah. You rub it on your head. All right. Now, hold on. That's not bad. That's not bad. You want to draw a picture?

1:17:35 Drew Yeah, draw.

1:17:36 Adam No. Chris, I want you to draw what you think a pick, what a hair pick looks like.

1:17:40 Drew Please. I have no idea. Just make a stab at it.

1:17:45 Adam You did get the part where you drag it on your head.

1:17:47 Drew That's good.

1:17:48 Adam That's good.

1:17:49 Drew We'll even give you a hint. The black power fist is actually where you grasp the object. It's where the handle is. If the fist makes a handle kind of thing.

1:17:58 Adam Yeah. It's at the end of the handle.

1:18:00 Drew There's nobody.

1:18:02 Adam There's nobody?

1:18:04 Drew Nobody knows what the hell you're talking about.

1:18:05 Adam Nobody knows.

1:18:06 Drew You have to identify the ethnic deployment.

1:18:09 Adam Well, we did say the black power fist. Do you know what the black power fist is?

1:18:15 Jamie Kennedy Uh-oh.

1:18:17 Drew In Mexico in 1968, there was a famous international incident where a guy held his fist up like this. The Olympics.

1:18:24 Adam The Olympics.

1:18:25 Drew You know what the Olympics are?

1:18:26 Adam He's got a drawing. Oh, no. There's nothing on the page. Hold on. Were these lines here? These lines were here, right? Okay. Then he drew nothing. For a minute, I thought he actually drew the lines on the page. We got nothing. All right. Drew is now going to draw the hair pick for engineer Chris. Are you drawing a menorah, you idiot? All right. In a way, it is a black one. Drew, draw it better. Now, start over. Jesus Christ.

1:18:58 Drew Give him the ethnic.

1:19:01 Adam Well, have I said black power fist 370 times?

1:19:05 Drew Go ahead and finish it off.

1:19:06 Adam I'm not going to do that. Let's ask it. Let's humiliate Chris. Amanda. A hair pick. Do you know what it is? What is it?

1:19:15 Caller People that have curly hair brush out the hair and then black guys use it to throw out their hair.

1:19:24 Drew There you go.

1:19:25 Jamie Kennedy See, I have curly hair, so I would know that.

1:19:27 Adam Yeah.

1:19:27 Drew You should know that, yes.

1:19:30 Adam Did Chris know? Is there a part? Did I fall asleep?

1:19:32 Caller There's a part where he knew something?

1:19:34 Drew Yeah, he knows that.

1:19:36 Adam So Amanda's 21. She's calling from San Diego. She knows the hair pick. That's decent. That's a decent. Yeah. I know that is. Here we go. Still living at home. Amanda. Twenty-one. Let's rock it.

1:19:54 Drew What class do you decide to take anyway?

1:19:57 Adam Wait. Hold on. Don't talk to Amanda. Talk to Chris or say you're talking to Chris.

1:20:01 Drew Math. Take some math. You're already taking math classes. I thought you were going to expand your curriculum.

1:20:07 Caller No, that's just what I have to get done.

1:20:09 Drew What was that guy advising you about when I ran you a Starbucks? Well, no, that was the math. Oh, what math classes? All right.

1:20:14 Adam Here we go now. Let's go.

1:20:16 Drew Amanda.

1:20:17 Adam Amanda? Uh-huh. You're 21. What's going on? You're married. You had a kid a year ago. Sex is not that good now.

1:20:25 Caller Not that it's not good because it is still good, but before I had a baby, before I was even pregnant, well, even when I was pregnant, self-lubrication or natural lubrication wasn't a problem. But now I knew that shortly after having a baby, it would be a problem. But after a year, I figured it would be okay. Yeah.

1:20:48 Adam What about that, Drew?

1:20:49 Drew Have you kept on some sort of birth control since your delivery?

1:20:53 Yes.

1:20:54 Caller I got back on birth control, yeah.

1:20:56 Drew A new kind of birth control?

1:20:57 No.

1:20:57 Caller It's the same as what I was on before.

1:20:59 Drew Which is what? That shouldn't do it.

1:21:04 Adam So what about God's grease gun?

1:21:06 Drew It's been clogged up somehow. I don't know. Usually it's, when you've had a baby, Amanda, you go through as obviously you found some tremendous hormonal changes.

1:21:18 Caller Yeah.

1:21:18 Drew And sometimes that can affect how you function sexually. There can be depressions, there can be digasmic changes, there can be libido changes, your drive, sexual drive can change up or down. So it may just be that. Or you have normal arousal and normal drive to have sex?

1:21:33 Caller Well, the drive isn't as good as it was, but it's still there because before it was tremendous. And now it's still a lot but not as much as it was.

1:21:42 Drew Tremendous.

1:21:43 Adam And also the stress of having a young child.

1:21:47 Yeah.

1:21:48 Adam Yeah.

1:21:48 Drew Absolutely.

1:21:49 Adam How are you getting along with your husband?

1:21:50 Wonderful.

1:21:54 Adam Go buy some lube.

1:21:55 Drew Yeah. I'm not sure anyone will actually. You may need more estrogen. Maybe she's on the low dose tricyclic pill. There is a low dose now. But more estrogen tends to help and sometimes there can be thyroid problems and other problems after pregnancy might want to get checked out that can contribute to this, but the likelihood is just the shifts that go on after pregnancy change you. It's not the same.

1:22:18 Adam Hair pick, by the way, is one of those things like salad tongs.

1:22:21 Drew Tells you what it is.

1:22:22 Adam Yeah. Like you say, salad tongs. What is that? Well, they're tongs that you use for salad.

1:22:29 Drew There you go.

1:22:29 Adam You know what I'm saying? Hair pick. What do you do with a hair pick, Drew?

1:22:34 Drew You pick your hair. Self-explanatory.

1:22:38 Adam Got it. Guitar pick. Pick a guitar.

1:22:41 Drew Salad tongs.

1:22:42 Adam That's right. Nice. All right. Anything more self-explanatory than salad tongs?

1:22:49 Drew Hair pick.

1:22:55 Adam Drew, you may be right. That's a tough one. Salad tongs or hair pick? Yeah. Make a pretty good argument for hair pick. Ashley?

1:23:07 Yeah.

1:23:07 Adam You're 22?

1:23:08 Caller Yeah, I'm 22.

1:23:10 Adam Do you know what a hair pick is?

1:23:13 Caller It's a little pick that you pick. I noticed most black people use that for their afro.

1:23:19 Adam There you go. Well, there you go.

1:23:21 Drew Veal.

1:23:22 Adam Now, Chris, you're getting snaked by young chicks. You understand? You understand? Who are calling this show. Who are notorious for not knowing anything.

1:23:31 Drew Veal or venison, Ashley?

1:23:34 Adam Do you know the difference between veal and venison? No, I don't. There you go, Chris. It's getting worse by the second, buddy. If we start getting into World War II, you're going to put a gun to your mouth. So we're just going to move ahead with the show. Ashley?

1:23:50 Drew 22.

1:23:50 Adam 22. Your dad just got married to an 18-year-old foreigner? Wow.

1:23:58 Caller No.

1:23:58 Adam I mean, oh, I see.

1:24:00 Drew What do you mean foreigner? What does that mean?

1:24:03 Caller Not foreign, just from another country, but she's the same race as me.

1:24:07 Drew Which is what?

1:24:08 Caller A lot younger.

1:24:09 Adam By the way, asking what foreigner means is like asking what Salatang means, Drew.

1:24:16 Drew No, no, no. Because foreigner could mean another county or a different type of person. By foreigner, by the way, it includes a large number of people. I'm wondering what she means by foreigner.

1:24:30 Adam All right, all right, Weisenheimer. What land is she from? Where? A Laos?

1:24:39 Drew Laotian.

1:24:40 Adam She's Laotian. I like it because it sounds like Laotian.

1:24:43 Drew She's not Laotian.

1:24:44 Caller No.

1:24:45 Drew She's just from Laos. Laos.

1:24:47 Caller Yeah, because my nationality is Hmong.

1:24:50 Adam Yours is Hmong?

1:24:51 Caller Hmong.

1:24:53 Caller It's a rare Asian.

1:24:55 Adam So you're like a Hmong-anite?

1:24:56 Caller Hmong. That's my nationality.

1:24:59 Adam How do you spell that?

1:25:00 Caller It's with a silent H-M-O-N-G.

1:25:04 Adam H-M-O-N-G? H-M-O-N-G.

1:25:11 Drew It's Hmong.

1:25:11 Caller We have our own language, but we don't have an official country, but we live in Laos.

1:25:20 Drew What's the history?

1:25:22 Caller Oh, it's a long history. I mean, what do you want to know?

1:25:27 Adam Well, let's say-

1:25:28 Caller A lot of them have migrated down here to America, like the early 70s.

1:25:33 Adam Oh, really?

1:25:34 Caller Yeah. So, you know, there are still a lot of people up there. There's still communism up there, too.

1:25:39 Adam And by the way, I'll bet you Los Angeles gets a little mong before it gets a little Italy. When are we going to get a goddamn little Italy in this godforsaken town of ours?

1:25:49 Drew Not another mong, Sarah.

1:25:52 Adam Ah, drives me insane.

1:25:54 Drew So, is there something about your dad or this cultural-

1:25:57 Adam Wait, is she mong too?

1:25:58 Caller Mong.

1:26:01 Drew And is this some sort of cultural thing where the men reach back into the village and-

1:26:06 Adam Nail young kids?...

1:26:07 Drew pluck something new or what is this?

1:26:09 Caller That's very common. Very common.

1:26:12 Drew So, he's doing something that- He's doing something he's supposed to do by your cultural standards. We cannot judge. We cannot judge.

1:26:20 Caller I'd hope that my dad be more modern nowadays because we live down here for over 20 years now here in America.

1:26:25 Caller Once a mong, always a mong.

1:26:27 Adam That's what I say. But look, it's disappointing and let me tell you some about these other god-awful cultures. They do all this reprehensible crap. It's the same stuff we'd like to do too. We just got it beaten out of us.

1:26:39 Drew Right. Well, your dad's hiding behind the culture to carry out these awful things.

1:26:45 Adam Yeah.

1:26:45 Drew And justify it through the culture. Yeah.

1:26:47 Adam We should have done that. We should have done it. But we got screwed. We gave it up early, admitted it was kind of stupid, and now we can't do anything. White guys, we get nothing. We just make some money. We have to buy hookers. But we can't do any of that great stuff, kind of like sex with the 15-year-olds or keep like a bunch of concubines and mistresses and things, all these other things. And it's great if it's a cultural thing. So, oh, what do you mean? That's what we do.

1:27:10 Drew Very traditional. Very traditional.

1:27:12 Adam No different than eating a traditional dish.

1:27:16 Drew I follow the culture of my forefathers.

1:27:17 Adam Call me old-fashioned. I like to bang a 15-year-old every once in a while. So, are you living out of the house?

1:27:27 Caller I have been living away for college. I've been away for college five years now.

1:27:32 Drew Where do you go to school? God, it's so beautiful down there, that University of San Diego. It's hard to understand how anybody gets anything done.

1:27:41 Adam Yeah, well, they do. So, how about your dad is going to do what your dad is going to do. You don't have to like it. It can be disappointing. Your job is to get good grades and eventually marry a guy who's not like their old dad.

1:27:57 Caller No, I don't want to marry. I don't want to marry.

1:28:00 Adam You're freaked out.

1:28:05 Caller She, oh my God.

1:28:08 Adam Blatant use of the S word there.

1:28:11 Drew That was an unapologetic scream of the S word. Yes.

1:28:17 Adam You know what that was? That's like when you go to the car show. You go to the car show and their cars parked all over the floor, but then you coded the display, the big turntable with the model on it, S. The 2005 S's are in early this year. Our model Ashley is displaying one. It's got the lights on it. There's some fanfare, pulls a parachute off it. There it is. Big S word. Yeah. Wow. All right.

1:28:49 Drew I will talk to Ash.

1:28:51 Adam No, I don't want to talk to her anymore. We've talked to her long enough.

1:28:54 Drew Ashley is traumatized and confused.

1:28:57 Adam She's angry at her dad. She's into guys now, whatever.

1:29:00 Drew She's inclined to be attracted to women. And when women are brutalized by men, you know.

1:29:06 Adam We can't judge. Every culture is beautiful. All beautiful. All equal. We'll take a, and we can never, ever judge.

1:29:15 Drew Don't you dare.

1:29:15 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:29:24 Caller Get your problems ready.

1:30:03 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Forget about that phone number. Let's help the kiddies, Drew. Yes? Yes. Yes?

1:30:12 Drew Yes.

1:30:13 Adam All right. I'm trying to think of another one of those things, like salad tongs and hair picks. Croquet mallet.

1:30:21 Drew That's good.

1:30:22 Adam You know what a croquet mallet is, engineer Chris? You know it's one of the self-explanatory things?

1:30:29 Drew What's that?

1:30:30 Adam The game Whack-A-Mole.

1:30:33 Drew Whack-A-Mole?

1:30:34 Adam You whack the mole. It's right in there. It's right in there. Unlike other games like Galactagon or whatever the hell that one is, they know what that is. That doesn't say anything. Yeah?

1:30:48 Drew I have no idea what that is.

1:30:50 Adam Yeah. Michael?

1:30:54 Drew Yeah.

1:30:55 I want to know, does basically being exposed to porn as a child affect how you think?

1:31:03 Drew Yeah, it can. It can make you a little compulsive around sexuality and make you prone to you as a male objectifying women and expecting things of sexuality that may be unrealistic.

1:31:14 Adam Yeah. It doesn't have that big an impact. It depends how feeble your mind is. What happened to you?

1:31:22 Well, when I was about eight years old, my dad showed me a bunch of videos of women giving head to men. It was just... At that age, I didn't really know there was a difference.

1:31:33 Drew The difference between what?

1:31:35 Men and women.

1:31:37 Adam Oh, really?

1:31:39 Drew Hold on.

1:31:40 Adam At age eight, you didn't know there's a difference between the girls in the class and the boys in the class?

1:31:44 I knew the hair and all that.

1:31:47 Drew You didn't know really what it was all for.

1:31:49 Adam There's plenty of instances of parents sitting their kids down and getting high with them and showing porn and stuff, giving them the first hit of acid and stuff. Like, what the hell is going on in their minds?

1:32:03 Drew Just so we can sort of bring this all the way home, what was your experience? What were you thinking when you watched these things?

1:32:09 I just always thought, well, that's what I'm supposed to do.

1:32:13 Adam All right. Well, look, here's the real problem, sadly. It's not so much your exposure to the pornography, as that you were raised by a dad who thought it was a good idea to show his eight-year-old some illicit pornography. And that's the problem.

1:32:30 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:32:33 Drew Can't hear him.

1:32:34 Adam We're having a little trouble with the phone lines tonight. But here's the thing. No, you're not scarred, per se. You're not. Don't walk around feeling like you're damaged goods.

1:32:43 Drew Yeah.

1:32:43 Adam Your dad's a jackass. That's the damaged good part.

1:32:47 Drew There are a lot of...

1:32:48 Adam This stuff doesn't exist in a bubble, by the way. It's not like, oh, he's the world's greatest caring place. He probably plays for the Philharmonic. He's in every open house. He's supportive and nurturing and shows the kids some porn.

1:33:00 Drew No, no.

1:33:00 Adam He's an idiot, this dad.

1:33:01 Drew But if you talk to strippers and people in pornos, a lot of them had... Many will often have had this kind of experience.

1:33:08 Adam No, that was dad gooseing them.

1:33:10 Drew No, no, sometimes it's just the sexual material.

1:33:13 Adam No.

1:33:14 Drew Wait a minute.

1:33:17 Adam I was ahead.

1:33:18 Drew Hey.

1:33:18 Adam What's happening?

1:33:19 No.

1:33:20 Adam I mean, yeah. All right. Go ahead.

1:33:23 I have a question just for Dr. Drew.

1:33:26 Adam Hold on a second. Engineer Chris, do you know what a spork is?

1:33:31 A spork?

1:33:33 Adam A spork.

1:33:34 Isn't that a spoon?

1:33:35 Adam What?

1:33:36 Caller A spoon and a fork?

1:33:37 Adam Yeah. All right. What's happening, Rachel?

1:33:42 Caller I want to know what could be the consequences with having my nipples pierced while lactating? Like what does it stretch it out? Does it make it insensitive afterward?

1:33:54 Drew All I hear is that it just makes it a little more difficult to breastfeed, which is already a difficult process.

1:33:58 Caller Well, of course, you'd have to take them out.

1:34:00 Drew And you have to take them out, yes. But it makes the whole process a little more difficult.

1:34:04 Adam Are you lactating now?

1:34:06 Caller No, it's not for me. I've done had my children. It's for my best friend.

1:34:12 Adam That's enough. Okay. Sure. You're 21. It's actually dangerous to have kids past 21, is it not, Drew?

1:34:19 Drew Of course.

1:34:21 Adam Why she should focus on the breastfeeding and the lactating and all kinds of stuff. And then when the smoke is completely cleared, see about getting the nipples. And really, do you want mommy with the chandeliers hanging from the jug?

1:34:32 Drew Please.

1:34:33 Adam We'll take a quick break. Be right back.

1:34:35 Drew All right, guys.

1:34:36 Caller Here's the deal. Looking to hook up? Sick of wasting time with the wrong person? One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

1:34:48 Caller You know what I'm saying now, Dad?

1:34:50 Caller Adam and Dr. Drew will be right back on Loveline.

1:34:54 Jamie Kennedy This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

1:35:22 Adam Parents had stuff you couldn't even think of. Hey, everybody. You know what I mean?

1:35:27 Drew You can create them cheap.

1:35:30 Adam It's stuff you didn't know you could do. Idiots. All right, everybody. Let's take a little break.

1:35:36 Drew What do you say?

1:35:36 Adam Yeah, let's do that. Let's get going, Chris. Let's go, buddy. Let's focus now.

1:35:41 Drew Hair pick.

1:35:42 Adam So until Steam Shovel. That's another one of those things that sounds good. Well, you might be right. You might be right. Spork. Spork, though. That's a good one. I will take a quick break, quick 22 hours.

1:35:53 Drew Baseball bat.

1:35:54 Adam And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:36:04 Caller The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2004