Episode 1000644365197

1:10 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:11 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

1:14 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:19 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:22 Voiceover Yeah. Oh, yeah. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist, tonight from Quintepletes. April Matson is here. Good to see you, April. We've not met, have we?

1:41 April Matson Just maybe two minutes ago. Does that count?

1:45 Adam No, doesn't count. This is it.

1:49 Drew Normally, we meet people and then forget.

1:51 Adam I introduced myself to people I've met. Actually, family members oftentimes. Very embarrassing. Quintepletes, Quintuplets, Wednesday Nights, 8.30 on Fox. We had Andy Richter on the show, plugging it a couple months back. There's a new episode that starts tomorrow night, by the way. And Richter seems like a pompous ass. Oh, please. Raging alcoholic, chain smoker. I think he's on barbiturates. Must be tough to work with him.

2:21 April Matson No.

2:22 Adam No?

2:23 April Matson No, he's-

2:24 Adam Come on, he won't hurt you. You can speak freely.

2:26 April Matson No, I'm not afraid of him.

2:28 Adam No, he is very cool. He goes into fugue state and he gets very violent.

2:31 April Matson I can definitely see, oh, he's a pompous ass.

2:33 He is, sort of, but it's OK. There's nothing wrong with it.

2:37 Adam No, he knows he's good.

2:39 No, he is, and he's really smart.

2:41 Adam And he knows he's got the look, too.

2:43 April Matson He is, he's really smart.

2:45 Drew April, it's going to be a long night for you. I feel I need to rescue you from this.

2:48 Adam Richter, pompous ass.

2:50 Drew Because we like Richter a lot.

2:51 Adam I don't like him.

2:52 April Matson I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

2:54 I love Andy.

2:54 April Matson Hold on, hold on a second.

2:56 Adam True, you don't like him that much.

2:57 You do.

2:57 Adam You said you're a look warmer.

2:59 What's not to like about Andy Richter?

3:00 Adam I'm just kidding.

3:01 I'm retarded.

3:03 Adam He admits he's retarded freely on there.

3:05 Drew He was a guy that missed it up, missed his date with us and then made it up.

3:09 Adam That's true.

3:10 Drew It was a rare, rare occurrence.

3:11 Adam It takes a big, big man to do that. And Drew worked with him on, he was in the Olsen Twins movie, Dr. Drew was. Did you catch that? No, I didn't. Chris, you checked that out? Hold on, let me ask the third person. Adam? No. Okay. Nobody saw Drew.

3:31 Drew You don't have kids.

3:33 Adam It's out on DVD. I don't know if I have kids. It's out on DVD is a big thing. So Quintuplets, how's it doing?

3:41 April Matson Good. Our ratings over the summer were really good. And we'll just see how it does in the fall. I mean, it could be a totally different thing. We have a little bit more competition with the fall scheduling. So right. But I have a good feeling about it. I mean, it's done really well so far and.

3:56 Adam Yeah. Well, Rick, there's a kiss of death, you know. He so pompous, Drew. So very pompous. Now we have our fingers crossed for the show. And not that we need to, but we're just doing it because it's comfortable.

4:10 Drew You know, just keeping your fingers crossed.

4:11 Adam That's how I like to keep them.

4:13 Drew I see.

4:13 Adam Yeah. Otherwise they'll get away from you. It might go up something. All right, April, you know how the show goes? A little bit.

4:19 April Matson I've listened to like parts of it here and there on and off in the car on the way.

4:23 Adam Tonight, you're going to hear almost a whole show.

4:26 April Matson Oh, no.

4:26 Adam Because I can't guarantee you're going to be listening for the entire show. There will be rants that I go on. You'll drift in and out. No one will hold it against you. Christina?

4:35 Hello?

4:36 Adam You're 22?

4:37 Caller Yes.

4:38 Adam What's up?

4:40 Caller I've looked on my boyfriend's computer for a couple times now and I find a bunch of like obese porn. Like fat girls, I guess.

4:52 Adam I'm telling you, the computer is the male diary. Footprint.

4:56 Drew Footprint. More than a diary.

4:57 Adam Well, it's a diary in the sense that for years men have been finding their girlfriends' diaries. Oh, you slept with your prom date.

5:11 Caller That's how they find out all their secrets.

5:12 Adam Yeah, find out all the guys that came before them and all that kind of stuff. Guys who never had any reference point, they just lie their ass off, no one ever knew. Guys don't write things down. There's no recorded history. But the computer.

5:25 Drew That records the history.

5:26 Adam And it's all there and living color. I mean, it's hard to deny that kind of stuff. And you can say, I was looking at something for a joke or someone emailed me something. First two or three, but when you get into the hundreds. Are you are you fat?

5:44 Caller I'm not that fat. But I mean, I'm I've gained weight since I met him.

5:49 Adam Well, maybe he sees the direction you're heading and just thinks he's going to head you off at the pass.

5:54 Drew What's the beach there? So to speak.

5:56 Adam He sees you head climbing that morbid obesity mountain. And he's going to ramp up his sack.

6:01 Drew You know, here's the thing about getting a taste for.

6:04 Adam You know, here's what I'm saying, Drew. If you were going to go on Survivor, like if you knew you were going to go on the show Survivor, the week before it, you wouldn't be eating, you know, scampi and surf and turf and Yorkshire pudding or something. You'd try to start getting yourself used to eating some rice and some raw fish or something. You know what I mean?

6:24 Drew You wouldn't want to go.

6:26 Adam He's gearing himself up.

6:28 Drew But here's the deal. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the diary, the historical record that guys leave behind isn't necessarily a reflection of what they want in reality.

6:39 Adam No.

6:39 Drew You know what I mean? They get aroused by stuff they look at just because whatever. It hits the visual cortex.

6:46 Adam I focus on the big jug stuff. Okay, scratch that. No, Drew, you may be wrong.

6:54 Drew You're horribly wrong. It also can translate to real life, but not necessarily to real life.

6:58 Adam Yeah, guys are much more sort of... They have a morbid curiosity around sex and almost anything else.

7:06 Drew But things that arouse them, that are visual, may not arouse them in the whole real life setting.

7:11 Adam Yeah, well, I just mean, you know, the guys who buy all those seven faces of death videos and stuff, those are all guys. They don't want to die themselves. They don't want to kill anybody, but they're very sort of curious in the macabre and the bizarre. Yeah? Could be. Could be that, Christina. How much do you weigh?

7:29 Caller Well, I weigh like 200 pounds, but I'm six feet tall.

7:33 Adam Ooh, a lot of women.

7:35 April Matson Can I ask her a question? Sure. So, if he was looking at porn where the women were slender and good-looking, would you be mad?

7:44 Caller No.

7:44 April Matson Or does it just bother you that he's looking?

7:46 Caller No, I actually wouldn't.

7:47 April Matson Really? That really pisses me out. My boyfriend is not allowed to see another woman naked.

7:53 Drew Oh, really?

7:53 April Matson If he can see a woman naked whenever he wants, he just tells me to go. Well, wait.

7:57 Drew One second. One second. Sidebar.

7:59 Adam First off, let me tell you something. He sees another woman naked every time he blinks.

8:03 Drew Yeah.

8:04 Adam Just for a millisecond.

8:05 No, I don't want to know that.

8:06 Adam Every time his eyes close for a millisecond.

8:08 Drew And someone's computer overloaded with history. Yeah. A footprint left behind the size of Bigfoot.

8:14 I check it.

8:15 Adam Hold on, Drew. I think she can hear us.

8:16 Drew No, she can't.

8:18 It's getting obvious now.

8:19 Adam Hey, okay.

8:20 April Matson Anyway.

8:21 Adam Anyway, your boyfriend not allowed to. What if you found a Playboy? If you found a Playboy and kissed a partner.

8:27 April Matson I would be furious. Furious. Not just because of the Playboy, but because he knows how I feel about it. That would upset me.

8:34 Drew This guy's gone underground.

8:36 Adam But let me say this. If you have, let's just say you had a very semi unreasonable expectation, but you felt very strong about it.

8:45 Drew For him.

8:46 Adam You know what I mean?

8:47 Drew What, that he had for her?

8:48 Adam Well, what I'm saying is, you wouldn't be mad at him because he had a Playboy. You'd be mad at him because he knows the way you feel about it. Yeah, it would probably be both.

8:56 Drew But the way she feels about it is because he has the Playboy.

8:58 April Matson Right, right.

8:59 Drew It's a circular argument.

9:00 April Matson Yes, it's both.

9:01 Adam All right. And why? Why all the strong feelings?

9:03 April Matson I don't know. I just feel like, maybe it's just being insecure about being compared to another woman or something. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe it comes down to that. But I just think, well, if he can see, okay, this is the way I put it with him. Anything that you would be uncomfortable with another man seeing me do, you shouldn't see another woman do. So if he would be uncomfortable with me stripping for other men, then he shouldn't see another woman strip.

9:27 Adam Does he have to whiz sitting down, too?

9:29 April Matson No.

9:29 Adam He's got to stand, because you wouldn't do it that way.

9:32 April Matson No. No, it's not.

9:35 Adam All right.

9:36 I have a theory here.

9:37 April Matson I have a point.

9:38 Drew Let's do the theory.

9:38 April Matson That's the theory. Don't you think like, I mean, it is.

9:41 Adam Hold on a second.

9:42 You don't think there's anything to that theory?

9:44 Adam There's something to it. There's not much, but a little bit. But let me just say this. First off, it's a horrible sign when you say, I have a theory and then the person says, well, let's do it. I just did it. Actually, in anything, if you go, I'm going to audition with something from Cat on a Hudson roof and you go, let's have it.

10:03 Drew Unless you're going to be the fastest guy in the West.

10:06 Adam No, only time is good. It's like when you're a dentist. You need a root canal.

10:10 Drew It's all done.

10:11 Adam It's done. Here's the theory. Here's the flaw in your theory. All right.

10:17 Drew Flaw is how different men and women are.

10:19 Adam This is how it works. I say that?

10:20 Drew Yeah.

10:21 Adam You jump in.

10:21 Drew Okay.

10:22 Adam Please, how dare you. The flaw is how different men and women are. No, Drew is right. Men and women are different. Profoundly. Profoundly. When you start whatever theory you have from, we're both going to start from the same point, it's flawed because we're not the same.

10:39 April Matson But we aren't because that is why my theory is the way it is, because I didn't say, well, you don't look at other women naked and I won't look at other men naked, because I understand that, you know what I mean? I mean me looking at naked women or naked men is not going to arouse me physically. Of course not. That's why I use the theory that way.

10:59 Anything you would not want.

11:00 Adam Drew could get you going.

11:01 April Matson If you wouldn't want a man, you know what I'm saying? If you wouldn't want other men being physically aroused watching me, then why?

11:06 Drew Is your concern, here's what I think Adam is relating to in this theory that I like too, is that it's the exploitation of women that's bothering you?

11:13 Caller That's huge.

11:15 Drew Because that's a viable position, but to say to start being, he's comparing me to the people, so that's missing how men work entirely.

11:24 April Matson Right. I honestly believe that's something that, if that were my insecurity, that that's my problem. I understand that because I know that he, when he, you know what I'm saying? I know that he loves me and I know that he finds me attractive.

11:39 Drew Let's get really all the way down to it. What happens if he masturbates and is thinking about somebody else other than you? Not looking at pictures, but just thinking about somebody else.

11:48 April Matson I would kill him.

11:48 Caller I actually ask him.

11:50 Drew It's not possible for a guy not to do that.

11:53 April Matson No, don't tell me that.

11:54 Caller No, it's better than he, then you know what?

11:56 Drew He lies.

11:57 Caller He lies and it's good and he should lie.

11:59 Drew That's fine.

11:59 Caller I don't need to know that.

12:00 Adam You should attack him for lying when he gets home.

12:02 Drew Because males have in the biology of the male.

12:05 April Matson I'd rather him lie.

12:06 Drew In the biology of the male is a necessity. We have diversity in arousing thoughts. It's in the biology.

12:13 Adam I'm doing it with my foot.

12:14 April Matson You know you're getting him in trouble right now.

12:16 Drew He's having to tell you about it.

12:17 Caller Totally kidding.

12:17 Drew He's done the right thing. He lied to you about it. He's lying.

12:19 Caller No, you're right. And he's right because at that point, I would rather.

12:23 April Matson Sometimes he says things and I'm like, I don't need to know that that's in your head. It's better I don't know.

12:27 Drew I like April's logic. It's very consistent all the way through. Hold on.

12:30 Adam She hasn't given it yet.

12:31 Drew I have a big part. Well, I like the theory.

12:33 Caller Well, I got to give you guys something to listen for.

12:35 April Matson I got to give the listener something. I'll have a theory by the end of the time.

12:39 Adam I'm on the edge of my chair.

12:40 Drew I like your theory.

12:41 Adam I like it too.

12:42 Drew Avoiding exploitation of women is good.

12:44 Adam Yeah.

12:44 Drew Not wanting to hear a man actually function. I can't blame her for that.

12:46 Adam All right.

12:47 Drew All right.

12:48 Adam She gets her boyfriend online. Look, here's what I'm saying. You're young, you're 23. Eventually, you just run out of steam. You don't care. You just don't care. You could walk in, he'd be on top of your sister and your mom and you just step right over him to get to the kitchen. All right. Those days will come. That'll be good. It'll be good.

13:03 Drew It's a relief. It's a relief, but it won't be quite.

13:05 April Matson I'm looking forward to it.

13:07 Adam Is this Marie or Mary? It's Marie.

13:10 It's Marie.

13:11 Adam Marie. What's happening?

13:13 Nothing. I have a question for you.

13:15 Adam All right.

13:15 But I'm really nervous.

13:16 Adam All right. Don't be nervous.

13:18 Drew You're fine.

13:20 So my question is, I don't know, concerning my period, I guess. I'm abnormal. I'll have my period every nine months or so.

13:27 Drew Every nine months?

13:29 It's really weird. I went to the doctor.

13:30 Adam It's called a miscarriage.

13:31 But I found that every time, I'll go a while without having sex, and this time, my boyfriend's been gone for the last two months, and when he came back, we had sex last night, and then I started bleeding this morning. And it happened the same time he came back. Last time he came back, me and him had sex, and then the next day, it's gone.

13:49 Drew And Kapowee again. Mm-hmm.

13:50 So I don't know. What's up with this? I'll go a long time without having it.

13:56 Drew All right. Quiet.

13:58 April Matson Well, first of all, I mean, it is normal for, I mean, if I'm around the time of starting my period and then I have sex, like, it does induce it. I think it does happen a little bit sooner than normal.

14:07 Drew And someone bleed with sex every time.

14:08 April Matson Yeah, that's true. And so do you, my concern is that she doesn't have a period for so long. Do you work out a lot?

14:16 No, I don't.

14:17 April Matson You don't?

14:18 Drew Let's explain that. What you have is something called oligomynorrhea. And what April's asking about is if you're underweight, severely underweight, sometimes that will cause you to lose your period, so that's a viable question.

14:28 I'm not underweight. I'm like normal, I guess.

14:33 Drew Okay, here's the deal. You have oligomynorrhea. And you have unstable lining of the uterus, so when you have sex, the uterine lining go ahead and is stimulated to come off. And for some reason, you're not cycling normally. Maybe you're not ovulating. Maybe you have anovulatory. It's hard to know. Maybe you're having cysts or endometriosis, or maybe it's what's called a hypothalamic pituitary dysfunction, where the actual chemistry between the brain and the ovaries isn't properly cycled. I had that. And that's something that really should be evaluated thoroughly by a gynecologist. Has that been looked into?

14:59 Caller It has been. I've gone to the gynecologist.

15:01 Drew And what are they calling this? What's the name they put upon this thing?

15:03 Caller They have never given me any name. They said that it's just like, I'm still young. My body hasn't adjusted.

15:09 Drew No, not a 21. No, no. If they suggested you go on the birth control pill, maybe?

15:14 Caller They did. And when I did go on birth control, I was on it for two months, and I had my period for two months consecutively, and I took myself off that.

15:22 Drew Again, this is all saying that if you ever had an ultrasound of your uterus, you need more evaluation. It all suggests that you've got a buildup there that sort of becomes unstable.

15:30 Adam Where's your boyfriend? Why is he only blown into town every once in a while?

15:35 Caller He works out of town, up on the north slope.

15:38 Adam Oh, he works out of town, I see. So that's why he comes into town. He's not in the town.

15:43 Drew What does he do out of town?

15:45 Caller He works up on the slope.

15:47 Drew Oh, okay. He works out of town, up on the slope.

15:50 Adam He's up on the slope.

15:51 Drew He's up on the slope. He doesn't tend to it.

15:52 Adam He's up on the slope.

15:53 Drew He just works up on the slope.

15:54 Adam What?

15:54 Drew North slope.

15:55 Adam By the way, what does he do? Is there anything more basic? He's like, what do you do, Drew? I'm out in Pasadena. Yeah, yeah.

16:04 Drew He's up on the north side.

16:05 Adam Not where do you do it? Oh, he's north side. What's he do on the north side?

16:09 Caller He builds scaffolding for the oil companies.

16:13 Adam Oh, that's got to suck. All right.

16:16 Drew Scaffolding?

16:17 Caller Yeah.

16:18 Adam Yeah, putting up these columns.

16:29 Caller He do?

16:29 Drew He builds oil companies. This is akin to trying to understand what her father did for a living.

16:34 Adam Yeah. Wildcat. Mari.

16:37 Drew Yes.

16:37 Adam Go back to your native gynecologist.

16:40 Drew You need further work up. Yes.

16:43 Adam Oh.

16:43 Drew What a perfect opportunity. What do you think?

16:45 Adam Shall we?

16:47 Drew Shall we? He's going to... I think he's having a coronary. Okay, Chief, would you like to tackle Mari or maybe Christine who's coming up on? Christine Cant-Orgasm. Yeah, it's hard to believe, I know, it's very difficult, but it's imagined.

17:30 April Matson Is that really someone who's calling Cant-Orgasm?

17:32 Drew Yes.

17:36 April Matson But the last one I'm wondering... She said that she was on birth control for two months consecutive, and she had two consecutive periods.

17:43 Drew She bled continuously.

17:47 Adam All right, then.

17:50 Drew Chief says yes. Uh-oh. Chris, coffee, please. Coffee.

17:55 Adam Now, let's face it.

17:56 Drew How many times do you have to request? Please, Chris.

17:58 Adam Chief, it's okay. It's all right. Retarded.

18:02 Drew Ten dollars an hour, Chief.

18:05 Adam Too much. Seventeen.

18:08 Drew Christine. Christine. Chief. Oh, yes. What's going on, Christine? You're on with Chief Running Bear.

18:18 Caller Well, me and my boyfriend have been together for about four months now, and I can't seem to have an orgasm when we have sex.

18:28 April Matson How long have you been having sex, just since you've known him?

18:30 Caller Yes, for about a month now.

18:32 Drew Chief was asking, you're only...

18:34 April Matson We'll figure it out.

18:35 Drew You're interested in having an orgasm during intercourse? That's what you can't do, Chief? Christine, the Chief wonders if your boyfriend attempts oral sex.

18:50 April Matson That doesn't necessarily work.

18:52 Adam Hold on, she didn't mention it.

19:03 Drew Coffee, Chris, coffee, Chris, coffee, coffee. April, chief puts great spiritual value in that act. The oral sex, in his experience, in his experience.

19:20 Adam No, but in his experience, when he has encountered one, they never function without that.

19:26 Drew That's what he says. Christine, on the other hand, let me interpret what she's telling you, chief. Fallout like Slot Machine at Indian Reservation.

19:41 Adam Is he going to do that for the rest of this time.

19:46 Drew No, he wants you to get copied. Okay. Christine, Christine, Christine. Why do I always break a sweat I'm sweating when your running bear comes around here. He's saying a prayer. He's getting back into his spiritual space to deal with Christine's orgasm problem.

20:07 Adam Okay. Christine.

20:11 Drew So you try even with your boyfriend for four months, you've been having sex with him for that time, yes? He's your first sexual partner? And you've only been attempting to have orgasm through intercourse.

20:23 Adam The.

20:31 Drew Chief has some advice on various positions and he looked to April to-

20:36 April Matson He did some hand motions describing if you-

20:39 Drew It's hard for me.

20:39 April Matson I used my imagination, but I think I figured out what he was trying to show me.

20:43 Drew I lost the translation, but maybe you can help a little bit.

20:45 Adam Reverse tomahawk.

20:49 Drew But Christine, can you have an orgasm by yourself? You can't.

20:53 April Matson Can I ask her some questions?

20:56 Adam Chief, Chief.

20:57 April Matson Do you use something or do you use your hand? Promise?

21:04 Caller Yeah. Well, don't let people, women lie about how they masturbate.

21:07 April Matson I'm just saying women lie about how they masturbate.

21:10 Drew Why?

21:11 April Matson Because sometimes we use odd things.

21:13 Caller Why?

21:14 Drew It's good to know. Chief is very interested.

21:17 April Matson We'll get to that.

21:23 Drew How do you... Coffee. Coffee.

21:28 April Matson How do you OK, where do you put the pressure when you are doing nd?

21:35 Caller This will help.

21:35 April Matson I promise. Look, is it is a clitoris unn or ounn internal thing? Or internal?

21:44 Drew Internal?

21:47 Caller I guess I'm the same way.

21:50 April Matson Wait, now.

21:51 Adam Yeah, he knew what he was going to say.

21:53 April Matson I'm going to give her some good advice.

21:55 Adam I'm telling you.

21:55 Drew Please.

21:56 April Matson Well, no, you know what's interesting, because sometimes you need pressure in both areas, and it's hard to find the right position to do that.

22:02 Drew But the thing about women is they all function very, very differently.

22:07 Caller That's why I'm asking her where she likes that.

22:09 Drew And a woman that can have an orgasm with intercourse is extremely where it's exceedingly unusual, as God is the chief's witness, as the many gods are his witness, as the hawk who soars in the sky tells him when he sees him soaring past, he thinks of his sexual... No, I don't want to hear about your sexual exploits, Chief.

22:29 Adam All right, we got to get to it.

22:32 Drew Chief, you can... Let's hear from April.

22:36 Adam She was trying to give Christine some good advice.

22:41 April Matson I mean, you just have to... Are you comfortable with this guy enough to just experiment and play around? Because you just have to find out what works. And you have to try to do whatever you do to yourself, you have to try to make the pressure go there with him. Does that make sense? Yeah.

22:58 Drew You know what I mean? You might attempt... Here's a couple of people. Maybe some oral sex also. And do not be afraid to instruct a male what you need.

23:06 April Matson Totally. They love it.

23:07 Drew They're completely looking for that.

23:09 April Matson They love it.

23:09 Drew Chief, would you agree?

23:10 Adam Nah, hey. Of course, of course. Chief, turn head dress around for one thing or another.

23:15 April Matson Do you know how to use your Cagle muscles?

23:17 Adam Yeah, yeah, I know.

23:18 Drew He does, he does.

23:19 Caller No, no, no, no, no.

23:20 Drew But, yeah, since we're...

23:22 Caller All right.

23:24 Drew Would you take the chief out, please? Thank you, Chief. Very, very helpful. Thank you so much. Oh, thanks, Adam.

23:30 Adam All right, let's have a seat.

23:31 Drew See you next time, Adam.

23:33 Adam You look like you need a warmup on the top.

23:37 Drew You know what? You need a warmup. He's now working at a casino.

23:41 Adam Well, found gainful employment. All right, I knew he was driving a van out here for a while. April Matson here tonight from Quintuplets on Fox Wednesday nights at 8.30. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

23:59 Caller So get your problems ready.

24:03 Drew Loveline is brought to you by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

24:06 Caller Law enforcement is cracking down from coast to coast.

24:09 Drew No matter where you are, if you drive under the influence, you will be arrested.

24:13 Caller You drink and drive, you lose.

24:34 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191. Jamie Kennedy in here tomorrow night, April Matson in here tonight from Quintuplets on Fox 830, Wednesday Nights. And of course, I can't forget to mention Crank Anchors, my beloved Crank Anchors on tonight on Comedy Central, 1030. I think Ludacris is doing a voice for us tonight. Oh, boy. So you want to make sure and check that out. Let's get back to the phones. We'll speak to Beth, who is 21. Beth.

25:05 Caller Hi.

25:06 Adam What's up?

25:07 Caller Nothing. I was wondering what you guys think about. I want to experiment. And it's more me than my boyfriend. I want to try like a threesome or like the whole swinger thing, the foursome.

25:20 Adam Mm-hmm. Threesome. Well, now, a threesome means you, your boyfriend, and a girl.

25:25 Caller Yeah. Or it's like a couple and us.

25:29 Adam That's the foursome, right?

25:31 Caller Yeah.

25:31 Adam Yeah. In which case, do you have sex with the guy, the other guy?

25:37 Caller Yeah.

25:40 Adam No, I'm hip. I'm hip.

25:41 Caller Yeah.

25:42 Adam I've seen the movie. Saddle up. Yeah.

25:44 Wear a condom, please.

25:46 Adam So something's a little, you got a little screw loose, yeah? What happened?

25:52 Drew What happened, Yvette?

25:52 Adam Where's your dad?

25:53 Caller Where's my dad?

25:54 Adam Yeah. Home.

25:58 Caller Working.

25:59 Adam Yeah.

25:59 Drew Yeah.

26:00 Adam Work from home.

26:01 Drew Why do you need that chaos?

26:02 Adam What's going on?

26:06 Drew Is there violence in your home growing up or something? That what? Some aggression or violence? Your dad alcoholic or something?

26:13 Caller No. My parents are just really overprotective.

26:17 Drew No.

26:18 Caller I guess they would punish me more than my brother, I guess you could say.

26:22 Drew Would they hit you? Okay. Would they hit you with objects?

26:27 Caller When I was younger, yeah.

26:29 Drew What went in cow when she was three?

26:30 Caller Spanked or hit?

26:33 Drew This is not a normal impulse. This impulse comes from abuse.

26:36 Adam Well, hit with objects. But what if the object's like a nerf bat or something?

26:39 Drew Feather duster?

26:40 Caller Yeah.

26:41 Drew Yeah.

26:42 Caller Yeah.

26:42 Adam Just a swatch of velvet or something.

26:44 Drew I'm sure Beth got belt and stuff.

26:45 Adam What do you get hit with? You get hit with combs, belts. What else that you find in the closet? Wooden spoons.

26:52 April Matson I got hit with a belt. But I was not abused.

26:54 Adam No.

26:55 April Matson I got spanked. Sure. I mean, it was not.

26:56 Adam Don't get Drew started.

26:58 Drew Hitting with an object is abuse. It has an effect on the brain development.

27:02 Adam No.

27:03 Drew It just does. It just does. Well, wait a minute. You may be able to manage it, but it has an effect on development. And usually it creates impulses like this.

27:11 Adam Well, you knocked a few orgasms loose, I'll tell you that.

27:15 Caller If that's what the belt does.

27:17 Adam Bring it on. Thank you, daddy. Oh, Christ. All right. So, Beth. So, are your parents hyper religious or something?

27:29 Caller No, they just have a lot of expectations, I guess you could say, because my dad's doing really well right now. Well, he's always done really well. Like, they've been in a private school with all girls.

27:40 Adam Well, that's a little payback time.

27:42 Drew Yeah, now you're going to act out against them.

27:44 Adam If your dad ever found out about this, he would crawl out of his skin.

27:47 Drew Yeah, one of the things that kids do when they've been beaten is that they spend a lot of time trying to figure out ways to make trouble. And to be in an intimate relationship at your age must be very uncomfortable. And so a way to throw in a real serious chaos, a wrench into the mix is to do something like this. That relationship will explode in a world of chaos.

28:08 Adam Well, maybe not all that dramatic, but it's the beginning of the end when you're with somebody and you start talking about bringing in a third or fourth person.

28:16 Drew And by the way, you're 21 and you're still under your parents. You're not 21, are you?

28:19 Caller Yeah, I'm 21.

28:21 Caller But well, I'm not living at home.

28:24 Caller I'm living in my apartment.

28:25 Drew You go to college?

28:26 Caller Yeah, I'm going to college.

28:28 Adam Junior college? Junior college? UTEP?

28:35 Drew UTEP.

28:35 Adam UTEP.

28:35 Caller UTEP.

28:36 Drew UTEP. UTEP.

28:39 Adam Oh, okay. All right. And your boyfriend, how long ive been with him?

28:44 Caller For a year now.

28:47 Adam You're ready for it to end, right? Are you ready for it to end?

28:52 Caller No, we've just been having a lot of problems, I guess.

28:56 Drew No, it's not going to end. I hate it.

28:57 Adam Just having a lot of problems. Well, clearly, this is going to go on forever.

29:01 Drew Yeah. Well, this relationship, what you're the road you're heading down will, will bring it to an end, a screeching halt.

29:06 Adam By the way, Beth, I don't know what it is, but so plotting, like you're ready for it. I mean, it's like, are you living at home? It's like, are you 21? Come on now. Yes, that is a passive aggressive thing, and it's a weird thing. Everyone thinks I'm a hypersensitive prick, which I may be, but I know it from doing the show, the people that were abused to some degree, beaten a little bit. UTEP. They're angry.

29:41 Drew They're hostile.

29:42 Adam But you can't just go around being hostile to everybody, at least in an overt way. But one of the very interesting things that hostile people do, and you'll notice it from the person who's behind the counter, at the car rental place, at the airport, to the hostess, at the restaurant, to the traffic cops, to the callers on Loveline. Every question you ask them, no matter how simple or rudimentary it is, there's like one Mississippi, two Mississippi, and then they answer. So everything feels like, A, a little dishonest because it's like, how old are you? 22. It's like, first it's off, why do you have to think about it so long? And then secondly, it's a weird way of being aggressive. You know what it is? It's equivalent to you sort of paying your bills in nickels. It's like technically you answered, but it was kind of a little FU quality. And you have to wait on every answer and it's a good way of screwing with somebody. Now, if you wait 10 seconds, someone's gonna start yelling greeting at you!

30:40 Drew It also keeps you in con...

30:42 Adam UTEP.

30:43 Drew When people have very, when ive been abused, the control becomes about everything. And then the other thing is ive brings the abuse on you, which is ive acting out the abuse.

30:50 Adam Yes, we start yelling at them to get it in gear. Alright, so anyway, relationships over, don't get pregnant, don't let this guy get you pregnant, and a little therapy. Alright, there we go. Let's talk to Ruth. Ruth?

31:02 Caller Yes.

31:02 Adam You have a question for April?

31:05 Caller I really don't have a question, I have a comment.

31:09 Drew Here we go. Hey, hey, Brian, Brian. You gotta coach people that as soon as somebody comes, somebody talks to them, it's us. Ruth.

31:24 Adam Ruth, here we go.

31:26 Caller Hello, the comment that I have is because I heard her say that, you know, she'd get mad at her boyfriend if he pornos or stuff like that. But I think it's fun to watch pornos with your boyfriend.

31:46 April Matson Like, I had a boyfriend before the one I'm with now that I just, it made me not want to have sex. It made me so dis... And it's the exploitation of women thing. It turns me off.

31:56 Caller I think it's so disgusting.

31:58 April Matson I really believe that sex, for me, is about love, and it's, like, an intimate, emotional thing. And to watch two other people do it just feels... I just feel so...

32:08 Caller It's just disgusting to me. So, I mean, if people are into it, fine.

32:11 April Matson They can do what they want, but it's, like... It's not fun for me.

32:15 Caller How I feel with my boyfriend, because we go to strip clubs, and I dress like a whore for him.

32:22 Drew I was just thinking, really, we could crack...

32:24 April Matson I'll dress like a whore for my boyfriend in the privacy of my bedroom. I'll dress like a whore. I'll dress however he wants me to, but it's me.

32:30 Caller I don't want him sexually aroused by other women. I just...

32:33 April Matson I would rather...

32:34 Caller It's like, I'm here.

32:35 April Matson You can see me naked whenever you want. You can do whatever you want to me.

32:39 Adam Let me explain the problem with that. He can see you naked whenever he wants. That's the inherent problem. Why?

33:24 Drew UTEP.

33:25 Adam UTEP.

33:28 Drew Wine option, Wine option, Wine option, Wine option, Go check the history.

33:31 April Matson I have, and he got in trouble for it when we first started dating. He goes, I have the only computer.

33:38 Caller He lived with ______, and everybody uses my computer, but it was very consistently petite porn.

33:44 April Matson Very consistently.

33:44 Adam Uh-oh.

33:46 April Matson Petite.

33:46 Adam They have that.

33:47 Caller Naked women. But he swore up and down, yeah, I looked at porn before we started dating.

33:53 Adam Sure.

33:53 April Matson What's his name? Comes into my room all the time.

33:54 Adam No, it's a passing thing. He comes into this room.

33:58 Caller I don't want to know.

33:58 Drew It's a break in crime.

34:00 Caller He uses my computer.

34:01 Adam It's like eating. You know, you did it before you hooked up with your woman, but now that you're together, you don't need to eat or breathe or anything.

34:08 Drew But I like the way they have the guy in the room. It's breaking into his room and uses his computer.

34:12 Adam Slash the petite poor. He's going to be fine.

34:17 Caller It works in my mind and I'm happy with it. And then I accept it and he lies and we're both happy and it's fine. He lies, I believe him and we're happy.

34:28 Adam Look, here's the thing. This all has to do with young energy. But I really do and it's mildly kooky, but I'll tell you the part about it I like. You know, look, this is the way I feel. If I close my eyes, it go away. He's not hurting anything. I don't need to be creeped out by it. Fine. I don't listen and I'm with you. There are those people who are like, have you ever seen a magnified, a radio magnification of what's on a hotel pillow? You would never sleep in a hotel.

35:03 Caller What's really in a hot dog?

35:05 Adam My point is, I want to sleep in another hotel and I'd like to have a hot dog when I go to the ballgame. So therefore, I don't want to see what's on the pillow. Yeah, there you go. And I'm still alive, aren't I? I've been to a thousand hotels, yes? All right, I like that. All right, let's get it down. Let's break it down now. Get a hand. Take a knee, gentlemen. Thank you. Let's go. That helmet is not a chair. Let's move forward. Those are the strip clubs. The rest is like horror.

35:27 Caller I freaked out at first, too, but now I'm 30, and, you know, now it's fun to explore it.

35:33 Adam You don't have any kids, do you, Cuckoo?

35:35 Drew Must. Oh, yes.

35:37 Caller I do not have any kids, no.

35:39 Adam That's great. What happened? Taken away by the state? What happened?

35:44 Caller I don't have any kids because I'm a teacher and I work with kids all day.

35:52 Adam Miss Strumpet, I have a question on the spelling of that.

35:56 Drew What do you teach? Now I'm going to freak out. Now I'm looking at the pillow.

35:59 Adam She's working with Drew's kids. She teaches an ethics class.

36:04 Caller What do you teach? I work with young kids.

36:07 Drew What do you teach?

36:10 Caller Preschool.

36:12 Adam At a certain age, you're not a teacher, you're a farmer. Moving around. Make sure the thing doesn't impale itself on the fence again, Herb. Come on. Let's keep it moving now. Right? Just sort of push them.

36:29 Drew Except the reality is that I would not despair as preschool teachers because I still have great affection and appreciation for what we got from preschool teachers. And you know what? Even if Ruth were into that. Drew, you know what?

36:43 Adam I really think, I think a dog. I think your dogs, you have those Australian Shepherds. They're smart enough to handle your kids like zero through eight.

36:52 Drew No.

36:52 Adam Hurt them around.

36:53 Drew Right now.

36:53 Adam Keep them out of trouble.

36:54 Drew Right now.

36:54 Adam Keep them away from the pool. Like still handle them, right? Get away from that pointy thing. Yeah?

37:00 Drew Yeah.

37:00 Adam All right. Where are we?

37:02 Drew Quick call.

37:03 Adam Take it a break. Quick call.

37:04 Drew No. Break.

37:05 Adam April Matson is here tonight from Quintuplets, Wednesday Nights, 8.30 on Fox. A spirited show tonight, yes? Yes. Yes.

37:14 Drew April's inspired us with her honesty and the refreshing youthful outlook on the candidate.

37:19 Adam Yeah. Jamie Kennedy in Tomorrow Night, by the way, from the I'm Guessing the Jamie Kennedy experiment. And we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, April Matson here tonight from Quintepletz on Fox Wednesday nights, 8.30. All right. Jamie, Kennedy in tomorrow night. And we're going to hop on the phone.

38:27 Drew Sherry?

38:29 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

38:30 Drew Gotcha.

38:30 Adam All right. Sherry?

38:32 Yes, this is Sherry.

38:33 Adam You're 22?

38:34 Caller Yes, I am.

38:35 Adam Sherry.

38:36 Caller I have actually two questions. My first is cramps. I get them during sex. And then I also lactate during the placebos of my birth control pills.

38:47 Drew During the placebos? That's not good. You want any other medication?

38:53 Caller Just Yasmin.

38:55 Drew But any other medication besides your birth control pill? Nothing.

39:00 Adam You're calling from San Leandro?

39:03 Caller Yes.

39:04 Adam Where is that?

39:05 Caller It's by Oakland.

39:06 Drew Okay.

39:08 Caller All right.

39:09 Adam There you go. So Drew, what should you do?

39:11 Drew Well, the lactation needs to actually be evaluated. Sometimes it can occur just from stimulation of the nipples, but there are tumors of the pituitary gland, thyroid problems that can cause that. So you shouldn't be lactating.

39:23 Adam Nothing was wrong.

39:25 Drew So you're just one of those people. You're unlucky.

39:27 Adam What's worse, Drew, lactating or blood in the urine?

39:32 Drew You're giving me a tough one to toss up.

39:33 Adam I was going to say blood in the fecal matter, but that's easy.

39:36 Drew Blood in the urine for a young person is probably no big deal. For a young person. Young person, most of the time. But there can be all kind of ida, frop, these all kinds of great stuff that can go bad.

39:48 Adam Which goes better with scrambled eggs?

39:50 Drew Glomerulonephritis goes better with scrambled eggs. But here's the deal, Shree. So the cramping is really what we have to zero in on then, and that could be nothing. It just could be sort of being too vigorous, or it can be an infection in the tubes, it can be endometriosis, it can be an insist.

40:04 Caller Well, I get it normally when it feels like it's too deep. But I think that's the correlation that I'm not too.

40:11 Drew You're right. You get the visceral pain. But the question is, you're getting visceral pain just because you're stirring up your guts, or because there's an infection there or an endometriosis or something like that.

40:19 Caller It doesn't hurt every time.

40:21 Drew And that needs to be checked out, Shree. There's no way I can tell you that just by talking.

40:25 Adam Wow, I like to stir some guts.

40:27 April Matson Is it around a particular time in your cycle? Consistently at all?

40:30 Adam It's just with sex, I think.

40:32 Caller Yeah, exactly.

40:33 April Matson But you said it doesn't happen every time.

40:35 Caller Exactly.

40:36 April Matson So does it, have you noticed that it happens more right before your period or?

40:41 Caller Actually, well, I don't, I take my Yasmin so I don't have a period for three to six months because I don't like it.

40:50 Adam I've never heard of that one.

40:51 Drew It's a low dose progesterone film.

40:53 Adam Yeah?

40:54 Drew Yeah, but she takes it continuously. She doesn't, she doesn't bleed.

40:57 Adam Ah, ah, that's what I would do.

40:59 Caller Is that really bad for you, by the way, to go that long?

41:01 Drew There's no reason you have to have a period. Most kind of colleges now are just giving it continuously. We're suggesting it.

41:07 Adam It's like a gallbladder. We don't need it anymore.

41:09 April Matson Pluck it out.

41:09 Adam It's gone. I'm gonna take it out.

41:10 April Matson Suck it out.

41:11 Adam Yeah, just get that chop back, get rid of that period. If you got enough PSI on that thing, it'd suck like eight, 10 years up the road.

41:18 Drew That's good.

41:19 Adam You're getting to the future.

41:20 Drew Clean it all up.

41:22 Adam We don't go too hard. They'll come inside out.

41:24 Drew Oh.

41:24 Adam Pull the head out right through the vagina. Oh yeah. Have you seen that?

41:29 April Matson I have no idea what you're talking about.

41:34 Adam Yeah, you suck. If you put, I'm serious. Now, if you put a chop back on your vagina and it sucks up hard enough, like if you got a good one.

41:42 April Matson It'll turn it inside out. If you got a good vagina or a good chop back.

41:44 Adam No, no, not your vagina. But, well, vagina's gotta be shaped just right to get the seal. But, yeah, it will actually suck your head through then it turns itself inside out. It's like when a snake eats its tail. Yeah, I didn't say it was pretty. Very, if you've seen it, you'll not masturbate for hours. Oh, maybe moments after seeing that.

42:06 April Matson Oh, it hurts to think about it.

42:07 Adam Yeah, it does. I don't even have one. I'd rather have like a half a vagina and it hurts. Taylor? You're 14? Why did you call the show?

42:19 Caller Why did I call the show?

42:21 Drew No.

42:22 Adam Why did you call the show?

42:23 Drew Why does one call?

42:25 Caller I had a question for you.

42:26 Adam Yeah, why don't you speculate on other callers? Yes, what is that question?

42:30 Caller Well, first of all, I wanted to thank you guys because you're the reason that I reported my uncle who molested me. You guys were the ones who encouraged me and I want to thank you.

42:37 Drew God bless you, Taylor.

42:38 Adam Good.

42:38 Drew Good job. Is he in jail now?

42:40 Caller Yes.

42:41 Drew Fantastic, fantastic. Maybe we're having an impact on this pandemic we're having.

42:46 Adam Mm-hmm.

42:46 Drew All right. And what's up tonight?

42:49 Caller I have like some really weird fetishes and I was wondering like what causes those and can they be cured?

42:55 Adam Well, your uncle and they can probably be controlled or held in check.

43:01 Drew Yes. They cannot be unwired, very likely. The intensity can be brought down.

43:08 Adam Well, it's like you can get someone to quit smoking. You can't get the guy to stop thinking about it. You know what I'm saying?

43:15 Drew Yeah, exactly.

43:16 Adam Really?

43:16 Drew What is the fetish you have?

43:19 Caller I have like a couple, like one of them is poop. And like another one, I'm so serious. I get off to like thinking about my parents having sex.

43:27 Drew Well, that's you and your boundarylessness. You know, this is-

43:29 April Matson Wait, poop? How is poop, like when you poop, it turns you on? Or when you think about poop, it turns you on?

43:34 Caller Yeah, when I think about it.

43:36 Adam Really?

43:37 Caller Yeah.

43:37 Adam I had nice number two.

43:38 April Matson I get really excited about pooping, knowing me wrong, but it's never been sexual.

43:42 Adam Right.

43:42 April Matson I really, I enjoy it. I talk about it all the time. Right, Tommy?

43:46 Adam Yeah, what do you, are you regular? Cause you know, I'm good for like two, three times a day.

43:52 April Matson That's good.

43:52 Caller That's optimum health.

43:53 Drew What does it matter with you?

43:54 Caller No, that's good.

43:55 April Matson They say that if you eat three good meals a day, that you should poop that many times.

44:00 Adam Yeah, for me, it's just a lot of coffee.

44:01 April Matson So, does it float or sink?

44:03 Adam Oh, good point. Oh me?

44:04 April Matson Yeah.

44:05 Adam Mine hovers like a sub that's surfaced, but not like a ship that's on top of the water.

44:09 April Matson That's good, that's good. That's healthy poop. I've read up on that. That's good.

44:12 Adam Really?

44:12 April Matson Yeah.

44:13 Adam Well, hold on a second. Hold on, Taylor. I'm gonna talk to Drew about this. There's two things I've learned from Drew during the course of the show. One is he claims that almost everybody has warts. That makes me think Drew has warts. And the other thing he claims is doesn't matter whether you go five times a day or once every day and a half, it's just as healthy, which leads me to believe that Drew goes once a week. So these are the two things I know about Drew. I, I am regular. Man, I mean.

44:40 Drew Three times a day?

44:41 Adam Oh, yeah.

44:41 Drew I'm surprised you have time to do that.

44:42 Adam I do that a lot too.

44:44 Drew Do you have time for that?

44:45 Adam No, I wear a diaper.

44:46 Drew Okay.

44:46 Adam I do it when I'm driving, all the times are community. Yes, I'm talking into a dictaphone, I'm driving and crapping myself.

44:55 Drew Where's Stewie when I need him?

44:57 Adam I dictate and oftentimes I'll be talking to my assistant, also having a cell phone, also doing some paperwork and making into my pants.

45:06 Drew Unacceptable.

45:06 Adam There we go.

45:07 Drew Thank you Stewie.

45:08 Adam Yeah, I have a very active lifestyle. I don't have time to crab. By the way, when you crab, and back me up April, when you crab three times a day, sometimes even four times a day, you're in and out of there.

45:21 Drew Oh yeah.

45:21 Adam I mean it's a minute.

45:22 Drew Here's the deal, I swear to God, when I was really into the heat of my residency, there was not time to pee, let alone crab. And so you would go for long periods of time where seriously you'd be planning hours ahead, when am I gonna get to a bathroom, how am I gonna eat, this is stuff that, you know, because you're in emergencies all day long.

45:41 Adam Listen, listen, okay. This is your lordship over there.

45:45 Drew No, I'm just saying that, and nobody got sick because of it.

45:48 Adam Drew, you're saying because I'm underachiever because I make twice a day.

45:51 Drew You're a busy guy, I'm surprised you could do this, I'm surprised you have time for that.

45:54 Adam Let me tell you something, I take, I could take a crap.

45:57 Drew I walk into the bathroom 12 times a night with you, you don't make in there.

45:59 Adam I could, if I had to.

46:01 April Matson But it's fast is what you're saying.

46:03 Adam I mean, yeah.

46:03 April Matson Yeah, it just comes right out.

46:04 Drew Literally moments. How do you get the peanut butter out of the carpet?

46:07 Adam Literally moments.

46:08 Drew Adam has got hair like a ring.

46:11 Adam How dare you? I could crap.

46:14 Drew He said once it was to find his anus, was like trying to find Santa Claus' mouth. He did. And therefore to clean that up takes a little time.

46:22 Adam Here's the thing, Drew.

46:23 Drew That's what he meant by spraying it.

46:26 Adam If you took a fungal bat and a baseball and you free-handed one out to the outfield, I could run a toilet, pinch a loaf and get back before the ball was caught. That's what I'm saying. I'm fast. And when you're, now here's the thing.

46:38 April Matson I'm wondering if the collar's getting turned. Are you getting turned on right now? Listening to us talk about poop like that?

46:42 Adam Let me find her.

46:43 Drew Taylor, oops.

46:43 April Matson I got you hung up on someone.

46:44 Adam Go ahead, Taylor.

46:47 Caller Are you turned on right now?

46:51 Adam She's 14.

46:52 April Matson I was like, oh my God.

46:53 Adam All right, let me just say this, Drew. I know we're running out of time here, but I do, when you're used, when you're on the literally three times a day schedule, bing bang. And then I know the guys who were the ones that got it. They opened the newspaper, they're camped. They hunkered down. Jimmy, well, oftentimes you have to use a calendar. You can't use a watch to measure.

47:13 Drew Pages of colorful.

47:14 Adam Seasons changing, leaves falling, snow, then flowers blooming. Bears coming out of the cave. Yeah, I think he craps like twice a year.

47:25 Drew We'll talk more about Jimmy Krook's crapping schedule.

47:27 Adam April Matson here tonight from Quintov. Let's get a quick break. Be right back.

47:32 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

47:38 Drew But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

47:40 Caller So I called the dateline and actually met a cool guy.

47:42 Caller I called the dateline and I hooked up with some cool people.

47:44 Caller Believe it or not, other normal people are out there looking too.

47:47 Caller 877-889-DATE.

47:49 Caller Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:54 This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

48:40 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1, Jamie Kennedy, in Tomorrow Night, April Matson, in Tonight, from Quintuplets on Fox, Wednesday Nights, 8.30, they're a good friend, Andy Richter.

48:54 Drew They're a little pompous. You seem to have really inspired Adam tonight because five minutes on poo. I just walked to the bathroom with him in the bag.

49:02 Adam It was all poo.

49:03 Drew Five minutes. Our relationship has reached a new level. It was a plateau of some type.

49:08 Adam Poo rock block.

49:10 Drew A rock block. He told me that his poos were not like marble stuck together. They were soft swirl.

49:14 April Matson That's good.

49:15 Drew I sat quietly and listened.

49:17 Adam Yeah. Things are really, really.

49:19 April Matson And did you also notice another interesting thing that I know about poop is that your poo is at its optimum health when you don't even need toilet paper. Like when you wipe and there's nothing on it, that that's really healthy.

49:32 Adam Yeah.

49:33 April Matson Does that ever happen to you?

49:34 Adam Can't be bad.

49:35 April Matson Do you ever wipe and you go, oh, I don't even need to wipe.

49:37 Adam Yeah. And then there are. That's great.

49:39 Drew But then you got the hair thing.

49:42 Adam No, no, there are times when I wipe and I get nothing, in which case I reuse the paper. And then there's.

49:48 Caller You fill your nose with it, right?

49:50 Adam There's the times when it's like you're on your ninth and it looks like your first wipe. And it's like, you swear it's like a mechanical pencil. Like you just keep inching the lead out. And at certain points, like, I gotta go back to work. And then you start making deals with yourself like, it's not like I'm not going to shower, I'm going to shower. Yeah, it's like, you just keep going. No, there is, it's like, it's really, it's like a push-up stick or something. It's like an endless supply. Like each wipe brings out another two millimeters of dew. And the process just keeps going all the way through the roll. And at a certain point, you gotta get on with your life. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, also, I got one of those toilets. I got one of though toilet seats that squirts the water to your ass. You know what I'm talking about?

50:37 Drew Show ass.

50:38 Caller The squirts are nehme that.

50:39 April Matson Like when you pee like in an outdoor they have no,no,no the feha. It's not like toilet bowl water coming at you. Yeah, it's fresh water, but this still feels weird.

50:59 Adam Well, it's like a bidet.

51:00 Drew Bidet.

51:01 Adam Why don't you take a shower, right?

51:05 April Matson But I don't have water squirting directly into my butthole.

51:07 Adam Well, you've got a nice shower you do. I mean, you get those ones with the multi.

51:12 Take the handle off.

51:13 Adam Yeah. No, I mean, look, it definitely, look, you have to know it's coming, otherwise it'll surprise you. But once you get used to it, it's a hard habit to break.

51:23 Drew Yours is a warm water and everything, right?

51:26 Adam It feels like God just went. It's like God took a mouth of stream water and just went. Beautiful. Nothing better. You feel refreshed, invigorated, and ready to take on the day.

51:43 Drew Oh my.

51:44 Adam You should get one. You should get one. I'm going to look into that.

51:49 Drew God just blew past you.

51:52 Adam God took a big mouth. No, he doesn't use a glass. He drinks a blast. He took a big gulp of stream water from the Rockies. When they shoot the course commercials, the source took a big thing of that, and then he rolled it around his mouth for a while so it got warm. You know what I mean? He warmed it up and then blew it right up my ass.

52:19 April Matson Before you said that I might have tried the toilet.

52:22 Adam It's excellent. It's excellent.

52:25 Caller Now, not so sure.

52:26 Drew Can you go to the angels to deliver it instead of God himself? Maybe April won't be quite so intimidated.

52:32 Adam Angels deliver it, but it's awesome. It's a little nicer. It really cleans you up. There's nothing like it because sometimes you get out of the shower and realize, uh-oh, I got a number two bro in here. You know what I mean?

52:45 April Matson Well, because you're all relaxed because of a hot shower.

52:48 Adam This saves you a trip back to the shower. Shay? You're 25?

52:54 Caller Yeah.

52:55 Adam What's happening, baby girl?

52:57 Caller Well, I've been in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for five years, and I'm one of them lucky 30th percentiles who can have orgasms during intercourse. And the problem is, is that when I finish, most times before him, I experience some extreme pain, lower abdominal, and mostly through, like, swollenness in my vaginal area.

53:25 Adam It's called swelling. So the fact that the pain comes on after the orgasm, do you think the orgasm, the contractions, or whatever, triggering the pain, or is it just because it's been going on long enough that you have an orgasm now? And also, when you're sort of done, you can sort of feel it now, too.

53:44 Caller Yeah. I think it's after, I don't know, it's after the orgasm is for sure done, not necessarily because of the length of time.

53:51 Adam But do you have a, I mean, I guess some women have, like, a refractory period, like, I'm sort of, I had my orgasm, I'd like to stop now.

53:59 April Matson Yeah.

54:00 Drew Yeah, I think you got to figure something out with your boyfriend so you're not continuing.

54:05 Caller I definitely don't like to continue after I'm done.

54:07 Drew Yeah, you're dry, you're dry, painful.

54:10 Adam Listen, I'll meet you at the fridge next time you're done, you know?

54:12 April Matson Unless you're going to have several in a row, right?

54:14 Caller Well, and I don't like that, though.

54:16 Drew She can't do that. She can't do that.

54:18 Adam That's you. That's April.

54:20 Drew April's like, oh my God, how could that be?

54:21 Caller I know.

54:23 Adam She's bogarting all the orgasms.

54:25 Caller I enjoy the feeling. It's great, but that's enough when I'm done.

54:30 Adam She's refractory. How many minutes into it do you normally have your orgasm?

54:36 Caller At this point, we've got it down to an art that it can be at five minutes sometimes.

54:42 Drew Again, April's like, huh, five minutes?

54:44 Adam When does he have his orgasm?

54:46 Caller Usually five minutes after I'm done.

54:51 April Matson Can you, if he has an orgasm before you, can you have one? Can he have one and then still be in you and then you do your thing and you have one?

54:59 Caller Yes, but mostly, I guess I'm all about the foreplay anyway, so usually I'm ready to go by the time I'm ready to go.

55:08 April Matson Wow.

55:09 Adam Do you understand what I'm saying?

55:11 Drew What you're saying is you don't like to do it the way April's suggesting.

55:14 Caller Not particularly.

55:16 Adam Well, look, here's the whole thing. You're at five, he's at 10, you guys need to meet around nine, eight and a half.

55:22 Drew Yeah, you got to figure out a way to lengthen yours and shorten his and just figure it out.

55:26 Caller What about the same time?

55:27 April Matson Can you guys?

55:29 Adam How about the same time?

55:30 April Matson Because you can time it to do at the same time, right?

55:33 Caller Oh, definitely. We've done that before many times, but mostly I tend to finish before him and like I said, it's the pain where then I don't even want him to finish. I'm like, go.

55:42 Adam Yeah, yeah.

55:43 Caller Right.

55:43 Adam We get that part. That's why you're- Okay, here's what I understand.

55:48 Drew If you're able to do it simultaneously, why don't you just do that every time?

55:50 Adam Right. Well, I think that's like saying, you flip a coin and sometimes it lands on tails five times in a row. Right. But it doesn't mean you can get it to do it all the time. Right.

55:58 Drew That's the point.

55:59 Adam You flip it enough, something's going to happen. Here's the other thing. Shay, I like the fact that she just- you know what she reminds me of? She's like, I put my dog in the pool and I hang on to it, and the dog just keeps going. It's like, Shay, why don't you lengthen yours and reel his in a little so you can meet? Well, I have mine and then I'm done.

56:20 Drew We got that, Shay. We got that.

56:21 Adam Got it. But that's good. Okay. So the thing is, she seems like she's worked so hard to get hers down to five minutes. Why don't you let yours go at the 10-minute mark and then he'll have his a few moments later. Yeah. It seems like you guys have almost ninja-like control. I don't see what the big problem is. Shay, just have yours at eight minutes and see if you can get him at eight. Thanks, baby doll. Let's talk to Kelly who's 18. Kelly? What's happening?

56:54 Caller Well, my problem is that when I masturbate, my legs begin to shake uncontrollably.

57:00 Caller That's awesome. No, why is that bad? Is that bad?

57:04 Caller Why is that a problem?

57:06 Caller It's pretty distracting and annoying actually.

57:08 Drew So you don't have an orgasm?

57:10 Caller I had one once and I've only been doing it for a while.

57:13 Adam So you start quaking so much that you can't have an orgasm?

57:18 Drew She can't relax to go to the next level there.

57:23 Adam Interesting. Are you lying down or are you?

57:27 Caller Lying down.

57:28 Adam On a pogo stay.

57:30 Drew Are you by yourself?

57:31 Caller Right. Yeah, by myself.

57:34 Drew Where are you?

57:34 Adam You're standing, you're lying down?

57:36 April Matson In the bed, in the shower, what do you do? With something or yourself?

57:40 Caller This is my hand.

57:43 Drew I think this will work itself out.

57:45 Adam Yeah. How long does it take before the legs start shaking?

57:49 Caller Almost immediately, like as soon as I start.

57:53 Adam All right. Well, you just push on through, baby. You'll be fine.

57:57 Drew It can take some time. Again, this is that biological mechanism that has to come into being, has to come online. You have to experiment with it and learn how to relax. It may require a person because some women actually have to feel intimacy in order for this biology to take form.

58:12 Adam Yeah.

58:12 Drew And so you may have to be in a close relationship and kind of work on it with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, whatever.

58:18 Adam But here's the thing. Don't get too caught up in your head. You know what I'm saying? You just, whatever works for you, you'll dial it in. Don't be in a rush. Don't push. Here's the thing about that. Pushing works for certain things like doing chin ups, but it really doesn't work in affairs of the mind. Like if you're nervous about going out on stage, you think just push, you just screw it up. You know what I mean? Whatever, whether you're singing opera or giving a presentation or trying to coax an orgasm out of you, that sort of break on through never seems to work. I don't know why. It'd be nice if it would. All right, Drew, are you tired?

59:00 Drew I'm just trying to figure out how to answer that in a way that's understandable. Basically anxiety and stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system works against this generally.

59:11 Adam Be nice, be nice. But I guess those people with even, sounds like I'm making up a blanket statement here, but those people who are successful have a way of sort of essentially being able to push themselves sort of emotionally and not tacoing. You know what I mean? They're able to sort of suck it up that way. Yeah, like Drew, that's right. No time to crap. Drew, by the way, his car seat is a toilet. And it's just the blue ice comes falling out. You'll see it on the tent every once in a while. Yeah, just crap right out the bottom of the car.

59:47 Drew You don't have that?

59:48 Adam No time to crap.

59:49 Drew Might as well attach.

59:50 Adam Drew, I think we found the name of your next book. Dr. Drew.

59:54 Drew No time to crap.

59:54 Adam No time to crap. Yeah, you just with the Dictaphone, raising the kids, lecturing and making into an adult diaper. Let's speak to Lee, you're 22. Yeah. Yeah, what's happening? You know, when Drew was in med school, he managed to actually plan his fecal outings. Days. You would. Sometimes months in advance.

1:00:19 Drew Months, but.

1:00:19 Adam Like he.

1:00:20 Drew You'd have to figure out how that was gonna happen.

1:00:22 Adam Drew would talk to his bow, like, how's Tuesday? Mm, not good. Have a seminar. Horrible. That's tough. Yeah, I got a lab that day too. Mm, no can do.

1:00:34 Drew And you know how that science works too, is that when the time to drop passes.

1:00:39 April Matson I was just gonna say that. I was like, if you miss your little window of time, you're screwed.

1:00:43 Drew It's called a mass movement. If the mass movement has passed, then that's it.

1:00:46 Adam Is that really?

1:00:47 April Matson It's true.

1:00:47 Adam Yeah, no, I.

1:00:48 April Matson Happens to me all the time.

1:00:49 Adam No, I know. What? Just happened to me.

1:00:53 April Matson My window was just about.

1:00:54 Caller How do I till tomorrow morning?

1:00:55 Adam Things are painted close, may not open ever again.

1:00:57 April Matson If you miss your appointment with your bowels.

1:00:59 Adam That's it.

1:01:00 April Matson You gotta schedule a new one.

1:01:01 Drew That's like a bowels. That reminds me of my 85 year old lady patients.

1:01:06 Adam But Drew.

1:01:06 Drew What are you gonna be like at 90, Adam? What's gonna be like?

1:01:09 Adam Well, first I will be swimming in my own fecal matter.

1:01:12 Drew And loving it, evidently. And talking about it, and like finger painting with it and things.

1:01:17 Adam Here's what I'm gonna be like when I'm 90, all right? I will have a kiddie pool with a rubber waiter. You know, like you go field, you go stream fishing in. Waiter legs sewn into the legs of it, and big novelty suspenders, and nothing but fecal matter. Surrounded by mode of my own fecal. I'll be carrying around like some kind of crazy mascot. I'll actually have hundreds of pounds of feat in my own fecal.

1:01:40 Drew You'll be making tank assholes then.

1:01:42 Adam People will be putting the cigarettes out.

1:01:45 Drew Coil pots.

1:01:47 Adam Yeah. All right. Even April said enough cockatoo.

1:01:51 Drew Good fashion.

1:01:53 Adam What were we talking about? Yeah, Drew. Yeah, no time to ask. Yes, Dr. Drew, everybody. All right, let's get to the phones. Hey, let's break it down. Let's go now. Let's help the kids. Yeah, break it down, April. Get in here. Grab a knee, gentlemen. And I use that term loosely. April? Lee. Yes. I mean, Lee. Sorry, April. Lee?

1:02:16 Caller I just wanted to say first, I love the show. I've been listening for like five years now. And Adam, you're great. Love the man show too bad, it's terrible now you're not on.

1:02:26 Adam Thanks, thank you. That's my sincere hope, that everything falls apart soon as I leave.

1:02:31 Drew That'd be good.

1:02:33 Adam And I got the same feeling for the planet, by the way. When I'm gone, pow, up in flames.

1:02:37 Drew What do you care?

1:02:38 Adam No, Lee?

1:02:40 Caller I got an interesting situation. I have an ex-girlfriend who's been broken up probably about two months now. And she came to me probably about a week ago and said that she was interested in having a threesome with me. Even after we broke up, we still were having sex afterwards, probably for about two or three weeks. But now, you know, she's offered a threesome. And I have a feeling it's with a new boyfriend. And it would be kind of weird if she just said, you know, hey, why don't you come have sex with me and another girl? Too good to be true.

1:03:15 Adam Yeah, but this also falls under the category of sort of weird, like, hey, you have sex with my new boyfriend.

1:03:22 Drew In fact, more than weird, I sense danger. This sounds...

1:03:26 Caller Well, the reason we broke up was she was she was a little cuckoo.

1:03:31 Drew But, Lee, this is like... Dangerous. Like, did she throw knives at you or something when she get ready in rage?

1:03:36 Caller No, but she would get really angry sometimes. Just out of control angry.

1:03:41 Drew Yeah, this is like the kind of person that goes into a fugue and does things.

1:03:47 Adam Well, let me, Drew's allergic to his own advice, everybody.

1:03:54 Drew All that food talk, boy.

1:03:55 Adam All right, look, Lee.

1:03:58 Drew No, I just, somebody would come back two weeks after a break up, go, hey, how about, that's somebody looking for a profoundly evocative experience.

1:04:07 Adam It doesn't mean she's gonna stab you with a crocheting needle.

1:04:10 Drew It makes me fantasize about that kind of thing anyway.

1:04:12 Adam Do it silently. First off, when someone proposes a threesome, your first question has to be with who?

1:04:21 Caller I did and she wouldn't tell me.

1:04:23 April Matson So you wouldn't say male or female?

1:04:25 Caller No, she told me and I said with who and she goes, you know, you're just gonna have to wait and see.

1:04:32 Adam Okay, but you still, you have to get the penis vagina thing straightened out.

1:04:35 Caller Yeah, yeah, definitely.

1:04:36 Adam All right, well, why don't you just call her?

1:04:38 Caller Just to see what could happen.

1:04:40 Adam Yeah, and how, does she have a new boyfriend?

1:04:42 Caller I would assume so, but I don't know.

1:04:46 Adam Well, why would you assume she has a new boyfriend if she's having sex with you and suggesting threesomes?

1:04:52 Caller She's a little cuckoo.

1:04:54 Adam Being cuckoo, there's plenty of people that are institutionalized that don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

1:05:00 Caller Well, not cuckoo, but she really likes sex.

1:05:03 Adam Really likes sex. Okay, all right, all right, all right. You know what I like about guys? Guys can really, they can be together with someone for like two years and I don't know, she's, whoa, she's, tell you what, she's something, huh?

1:05:15 Drew She's crazy.

1:05:15 Adam Yeah, I'm not sure. I don't know her last name actually, but she's blonde.

1:05:20 Drew She likes sex.

1:05:21 Adam She's brunette, I think. Or maybe I've been blonde. I don't know, maybe a Jew or she could be, she could be agnostic, maybe Mormon. Anyway, she's about 5'3 to 6'4, somewhere around there, 180 to 100, 700 pounds. All right, look, have sex if it's a chick. Be prepared for a lot of weird feelings and more chaos.

1:05:42 Drew No, no, no, it just seems like a, like setting them up for something.

1:05:45 Adam Lots of chaos. There's chaos here. And yes, there is some weird setting up. And does she want to get back together with him? Maybe this is some sort of offering.

1:05:54 Drew They kept having sex together already?

1:05:56 Adam Lee, you broke up with her? And she'd kind of like to get back with you?

1:06:01 Caller I kind of get that feeling, but I've made it pretty clear that that's not the case.

1:06:08 Adam You have, but your penis betrays you.

1:06:10 Drew Right. You broke up how long ago?

1:06:13 Caller Broken up for two months.

1:06:15 Drew And continued to have sex during that two-month period?

1:06:18 Caller No, we actually stopped having sex about a month ago. But for that month after we broke up, we were still having sex.

1:06:27 Adam She wants in. You're screwing with her. Leave her alone. Let her move on with her crazy life.

1:06:32 Drew Yeah. Here comes the bogus part.

1:06:35 Caller All right.

1:06:35 Adam What else?

1:06:38 Caller I got a lot of crazy stories. And to be a guest on your show, can you just, can anybody come in? I know you got famous people all the time.

1:06:45 Adam No. April, you got to leave. We're going to get Leigh in. Are you calling from San Diego?

1:06:49 April Matson They're going to fire me.

1:06:51 Caller I'd stay up all night. I would love to.

1:06:53 Adam No, no, no. We'll bring the show out to you. Come out to your house. You don't have to come here.

1:06:59 Caller You guys are great.

1:06:59 Adam Thanks, buddy. God bless you. You can't be on the show. He got a lot of crazy stories. He's 22. When you've loved and lost, like Lee has, all the stories he could tell. Probably never been out of San Diego. One time I went to San Juan Capistrano, but it was a couple days before the Swallows came back. So then I went back to San Diego. We TP'd this dude's house in high school. Oh, I'm Roy Rogers over here, or Will Rogers. Mikey?

1:07:35 Yes.

1:07:35 Adam You're 19?

1:07:36 Caller Yes.

1:07:37 Adam What's happening? Mikey the chick.

1:07:39 Caller Yes, I am.

1:07:41 Adam I dig that. What's up?

1:07:43 Caller Well, I've been in the relationship, very monogamous, very serious to me. I feel like I love this guy and like he's really special to me. He's super special and I really love him. And like I have a very, very, very hard time getting over like the fact that he said, I love you to other girls before.

1:08:04 Caller Get over it.

1:08:06 Caller How many other girls?

1:08:08 Caller I really like, I really tried to, I've tried very many things I've tried to like every single time. Like, I feel that kind of like that feeling or that questioning, I try and tell myself, you know, like you have to just trust him and you have to do it and you have to.

1:08:22 Drew How many other girls has he been, how many other girls has he been in love with?

1:08:26 Caller Like, four.

1:08:28 Drew How old is he?

1:08:30 Caller He's twenty four.

1:08:31 Drew Twenty four.

1:08:33 Caller Yeah.

1:08:33 April Matson How quick did he say it to you? How long were you with him before he said it?

1:08:37 Caller He might just be one of those guys.

1:08:39 Caller We were together for probably like a month, but I mean, as quickly as he wanted to say it to me, I wanted to say it to him, like as soon as I got with him, it was just like intense, like feelings and like I was just, I don't know, I just kind of felt it from the start.

1:08:54 Drew This guy sounds like a manipulator.

1:08:57 Adam Yeah. Also, Mikey, you know what Mikey's doing, she's sort of thinking with the energy of a guy in a weird 19 year old way and you got energy, where's your dad, something's going on.

1:09:11 Drew Because if she would go for a manipulator, her history would sort of suggest that.

1:09:16 Adam I don't even know that he's a horrible guy.

1:09:18 Caller I would not think that. I would honestly not think that he's a manipulator at all. He's the most giving person I think I've ever seen.

1:09:27 April Matson I wouldn't say he sounds a little distraught.

1:09:29 Adam I'm selfish.

1:09:32 Caller All right. He's not at all. My dad is totally in my life. I have the drama with my mom. My mom was cool to be a mom for the first year of my life and then she decided that she was just going to like bail out and like not be there. My dad raised me. There was a big part of my life where my mom had custody of me when I was a lot younger and she was very like abusive.

1:09:58 Drew Oh, Mikey. And she was she an alcoholic or an addict or something? Yes, she was. That's what I get from this guy is somebody who sort of is a survivor.

1:10:10 Adam What's he do? Some form of construction? Oh, by the way, let me say something, Drew, I forget about Drew. This is going to go horribly.

1:10:22 Drew But no, I know Chris.

1:10:23 Adam What is my batting average when I call somebody and say, what form is he in a form of construction?

1:10:30 Drew Good. You predicted. What's my batting average of predicting things going to go horribly when I talk to Chris? 100 percent. What is your bat?

1:10:41 Adam What is my baron? Two thumbs up? A star?

1:10:47 Drew You're at least 85, maybe 90 percent.

1:10:49 Adam I know. What is the batting average of the listeners going, wow, how did you know that?

1:10:53 Drew Zero.

1:10:54 Adam That's right. No one's ever done that. I've guessed people's jobs all the time on the show. It is a weird thing too. I know I'm just blowing smoke in my ass. What's my batting average on blowing smoke up my own ass? A thousand. A thousand? I'll warm up my coffee. Seriously. Here's the thing. I don't say it that much. I say it once every three weeks.

1:11:15 Drew You say it when it's right.

1:11:17 Adam Well, I don't know why I feel that way.

1:11:19 Drew Don't talk to Mickey yet. Now paint the picture of this guy. She comes from the alcoholic abusive mom. This guy has said, I love you at the age of 23 to four different women.

1:11:29 Adam 24.

1:11:30 April Matson Within a month of dating her.

1:11:31 Drew Within a month of saying, I love you, and he's the most giving, wonderful. Mickey is not inclined to be able to judge that sort of thing.

1:11:39 Adam Here's the other thing, too. How does she know? I mean, why is he divulging this information? I know she's ripping it out of him, but why is he?

1:11:46 April Matson Yeah, why are you talking about that?

1:11:47 Adam Why are you even talking about it?

1:11:49 Caller No, I honestly like, I wanted a really open, honest relationship. I wanted one.

1:11:55 Adam Yeah, good. Why don't you just, you want to honestly crap with the door open? What about that? Why do you close the door when you go number two?

1:12:04 Caller Oh, because that's nasty.

1:12:06 Adam We want it to be open. This is worse.

1:12:07 April Matson I'm always talking to my boyfriend all the time.

1:12:10 Adam Yeah.

1:12:11 April Matson I don't want every detail of his relationship before me.

1:12:13 Adam She's saying on her boyfriend, actually, during the break. She's modified it now, we're on the air. Hey, Mikey. Yes. Okay. We don't necessarily trust this guy.

1:12:22 Drew We're concerned.

1:12:23 Adam Either way, you're screwed up because of your abusive mother. How about some therapy for you?

1:12:29 Drew I think... Is this guy smoking pot every day or something?

1:12:33 Adam Huh?

1:12:34 Drew Does this guy use the pot or alcohol regularly?

1:12:38 Caller No.

1:12:39 Drew Nothing?

1:12:40 Caller No, he used to. That's a period of time when he supposedly thought he was in love with these women.

1:12:47 Drew When he was doing drugs?

1:12:48 Caller When he was, yeah.

1:12:50 Drew What drugs was he doing? Am I ever wrong about that, by the way? Speaking of your construction protection...

1:12:55 Caller Okay, he was doing a lot of acid and ecstasy and a lot of drinking and a lot of marijuana and it was just like...

1:13:06 Drew Mikey, people don't just get over that kind of thing. It kind of submerges. He's an addict.

1:13:13 Caller He stopped a year before he met me. He what?

1:13:16 Adam He stopped. All right. Listen, Mikey, listen to me. I'm going to take a couple of quick things and then we're going to go to commercial and I got to talk more about poo with Drew. Don't get pregnant. The first three things I want to say to you is don't get pregnant, don't get pregnant, and don't get pregnant.

1:13:33 Drew The fourth thing is go to Al-Anon. I'm not ready for that.

1:13:40 Adam Go to Al-Anon.

1:13:41 Drew Get a sponsor. You are in a severely codependent relationship. I'm telling you, this guy will show himself to be an addict again, I guarantee you.

1:13:49 Adam Your mom is abusive in an addict.

1:13:51 Drew Well, that's what she's attracted to, of course.

1:13:52 Adam Okay. And he works instructions. Here's the thing, too. You can actually thrown out of the union if you don't abuse alcohol or drugs.

1:14:00 Drew Well, this guy got to hit the trifecta, acid, ecstasy, pot, alcohol, and God knows there was many other things.

1:14:06 Adam I work with a guy named Mike who was written up for not being racist or racist enough. Oh, yeah. You get fined, you get docked, you really. What do you want to say?

1:14:15 Drew Do you think Mikey's boyfriend could be on worker's comp right now?

1:14:20 Adam Mikey?

1:14:21 Caller He's not at all a workman's comp. He's well-rounded. He comes from a very good family.

1:14:36 Drew Doesn't have back pain or headaches, anything like that? Does he have pain medication?

1:14:40 Caller No, not at all. He doesn't use anything.

1:14:42 April Matson Did you lose your virginity to it?

1:14:45 Caller I feel that itch me that's not being fair.

1:14:47 Adam All right, all right, would you go to Allen On please?

1:14:51 Drew Work on the stuff with your mom. If that's what it is, you need to build trust because you've been violated so badly by your mom. That's another place you can work on that. There you go.

1:14:58 Adam There you go. All right. Let's take a little break. Yes? Yeah. Yeah. We'll be right back after this. Loveline. You know, Drew, smelling good is more than a smell. It's an attitude.

1:15:12 Drew That's true, Adam.

1:15:12 Adam It is?

1:15:13 Drew Yeah. I know how to get that attitude too.

1:15:15 Adam Break down.

1:15:18 Drew Can't lose.

1:15:45 Adam Phone number 1-800-L-V-E-191, Jamie Kennedy. In here tomorrow night, April Matson. In here tonight, Quinn Teplitz. Name of the show, Wednesday night, 8.30. Well, Fox with Andy Richter, by the way. Dear, dear friend, Andy Richter. Good guy. Pompous ass. Pompous ass. He's good and he knows it. Why shouldn't he be? It's not pompous. He's confident. He backs it up. Yes, Drew? Oh, abuse. What happened?

1:16:15 Caller No, no. I have a problem masturbating.

1:16:18 Adam All right.

1:16:24 April Matson You can't masturbate or you can't have an orgasm by masturbating?

1:16:27 Caller I masturbate just in general. I don't feel anything.

1:16:30 Drew It's very common. Under 20, that's actually very common.

1:16:34 Caller I don't know. I've had boyfriends do it for me and nothing.

1:16:38 Drew Well, you were not sexually abused, is that right? Yeah. It's very common for that to not to make sense, or not to be motivating, or not to be arousing. It's very, very common under 20, particularly for women. We started the whole conversation this evening about orgasm. For some women, that is bizarre. That's how could that be? This is completely natural and I respond and it feels good. For some women, it just doesn't come online until quite a bit later. The biology doesn't sync up. Unfortunately, there's really no source out there for women to really discusses this tremendous diversity in sexual responsiveness that women have. It's what everyone's supposed to have an orgasm, or they can't masturbate to something wrong and flawed with them. Tracy, there's nothing wrong with you. Just you figure this out. Just take your time. When the biology comes together, when you relax, you feel comfortable in a relationship, then this will all start to happen automatically. Well, again, this is how different a male and a female is. Believe me, there's not any point in which a guy doesn't feel anything and insist on masturbating because it just has to. He feels something, that's why he masturbates. When you start feeling something, then feel free to go ahead and do so.

1:17:47 Adam Yeah. I wouldn't wait it out. I would launch tear gas into my vagina and go in after it, right on in Tebby style like Israeli commandos.

1:17:57 Drew I think one of the caves in Afghanistan. That's right.

1:17:59 Adam Flush it out. Flush that orgasm out of there.

1:18:01 Drew I mean, because it's also-

1:18:02 Adam Bring it to justice, by the way. I'm going to bring that orgasm to justice. Trouble in the Middle East, by the way. You guys heard? There's trouble there.

1:18:10 Drew Shocker.

1:18:10 Adam Yeah, it's trouble in the Middle East.

1:18:12 Drew What's that Tracy?

1:18:13 Caller It's also a problem for boyfriends and stuff because-

1:18:16 Drew You're 15. Slow it down. Slow it down. It's not a part for boyfriend, by the way. It's about you, not about them.

1:18:22 Adam No. Tracy.

1:18:24 Drew Yeah.

1:18:25 Adam Here's what you got to do. I don't know why, but I've been thinking about this lately more and more. I'm hearing it in Tracy's voice. You're 15. Everything's about what guys do, what you do, or your vagina. You're 15. Focus on something at school. By the way, learn who was in World War II and World War I and that kind of stuff. Don't just focus on being alluring to men. I really think it just becomes a full-time job. There's a lot of women out there where past the age 13, how attractive you are to men, paramount. It's number one, number two, and number three. Then somewhere school and family comes in.

1:19:05 Drew It will not make life meaningful.

1:19:06 Adam By the way, you end up talking to those women when they're 24 and it's like they've learned nothing. They can't barely have a conversation. It's all just been about what do guys think of me?

1:19:16 April Matson Who wants to have me? They still don't know how to get a guy's attention or please him. They usually still don't get the whole thing.

1:19:24 Adam You cannot. By the way, your worth is not what someone will pay for you. You know what I mean? It's a big- Yes. It becomes a weird thing. It's like they look at themselves as a used car and they're worth whatever they can sell themselves for in the recycling. Yeah. Not that. You can go on and do whatever you want to do, regardless of what the guys think. Yes. That'll change. Empowering. You're 18?

1:19:54 Caller Yes, I am.

1:19:55 Adam What's happening?

1:19:56 Caller Not too much.

1:19:57 Caller What's happening with you?

1:19:58 Adam We're just trying to get some answers.

1:20:01 Caller What's the story of the night? Orgasm?

1:20:03 Adam That's right. What's up, baby doll?

1:20:04 Caller Well, I was having some really great sex with my boyfriend, and I can have orgasms when he's pumping inside of me.

1:20:14 Adam Where'd you go to finishing school, Marissa?

1:20:17 Drew I knew she went somewhere important.

1:20:19 Adam Pumping inside of me.

1:20:21 Caller I didn't know how to put that appropriately on the radio.

1:20:24 Drew She's indignant about the conversation about orgasms, then launches and discuss orgasms.

1:20:28 Adam That's the topic of the night. Go ahead, Marissa.

1:20:30 Caller All right. Well, we're having sex, and I usually have multiple orgasms in the first 10 minutes of us having sex. But we were in for about an hour, and I had such a really good orgasm that my whole body, it felt like a gush feeling, and I passed out.

1:20:49 April Matson That's awesome.

1:20:50 Caller It was, I must say.

1:20:51 Adam That's when anal started, by the way, just moments later.

1:20:53 April Matson That's not a problem, is it?

1:20:55 Caller I don't know. I wanted to ask you guys if it was a problem.

1:20:57 April Matson Totally unconscious for how long?

1:20:59 Caller Totally unconscious. I was out for like 15 seconds.

1:21:06 Drew So you came right to?

1:21:08 Caller I was drowsy afterwards, but damn good sex.

1:21:14 Drew Well, it concerns me a little bit. Sometimes you can get an outflow from the parasympathetic nervous system that slows your heart down so much. Like a balsalva kind of maneuver from hyperventilating and bearing down so hard, that your heart rate will go down, your blood pressure will drop out, you can pass out. But it makes me concerned there may be something intrinsically wrong with your heart's electrical system.

1:21:37 Caller I used to be a tweaker.

1:21:39 Drew Yeah. That even adds more concern. So I would suggest you see a doctor and get an EKG and maybe an echocardiogram.

1:21:47 Caller So not so normal?

1:21:49 Drew No, not everyone experiences that I'd say, Marissa, and a concern.

1:21:54 Adam I'd like to do it to a chick just once, knock around.

1:21:56 Caller My boyfriend liked it a lot that he made me pass out, he made me come so hard.

1:22:00 Adam Yeah.

1:22:00 April Matson Didn't he kind of freak out though that you were unconscious?

1:22:02 Caller He didn't really notice.

1:22:08 April Matson So you passed out and he was still doing it to you?

1:22:13 Caller Well, we were having sex missionary and I already had my eyes closed and it wasn't really noticeable, I don't think.

1:22:22 Adam Hey, what do you do? Do you work at a restaurant or something?

1:22:26 Caller I'm a stripper.

1:22:28 Adam But they do serve food, so I may have ____. Totally nude or topless?

1:22:36 Caller You have to be 21 to be totally nude.

1:22:39 Drew She's gearing up for that.

1:22:40 Adam Yeah.

1:22:40 Drew Graduating to that.

1:22:41 Adam All right.

1:22:41 April Matson I know a little place in the valley where that's not true.

1:22:44 Adam Oh, really? I live in the OC. I know a good girl who... What?

1:22:48 April Matson Under 21. I don't remember what it was called, but it was like the lovely little ponies or something sick like that. Yeah, sick. It was sick.

1:22:56 Adam Travesty. Marissa?

1:22:58 Caller Yes.

1:23:00 Adam Yeah, okay. You make good money?

1:23:01 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:23:02 Caller Do you enjoy it?

1:23:08 Adam And you got the whore part, right? What do you normally walk with at the end of an evening?

1:23:16 Caller Tips and everything about $300, $400.

1:23:19 Adam Oh, that's nice. Yeah. And you just, by the way, Stripper, world's greatest job in the sense that every stripper I've ever spoken to, and I've spoken extensively to strippers, every time I say to them, what time, what do you guys, what time do you knock off? How long do you stay? I leave whenever I want. Apparently, you just sort of leave. Obviously, you're not going to get paid. But if you want to come in, shake your ass for 10 minutes, and you decide to turn an ankle or something, or a period comes on or something, you just take off. Just leave. You don't have to like punch out. There's no... If you're a hot chick and you get naked, you don't get that, hey, hey, ho! Where do you think you're going, smart guy? Get back here. You punch out, then you leave. You know, time to lean, time to clean, all the a-holes that yelled at us our whole time. I don't think you have that.

1:24:09 Drew Time to lean, time to clean. Yeah.

1:24:10 Adam That's what I got when I worked at McDonald's.

1:24:12 Drew Yeah.

1:24:13 Adam Kiss my ass. So, I'm still sort of intrigued. Marissa, you're a little crazy though, right?

1:24:20 Caller Just a bit. Is it normal? Me and my boyfriend are both bipolar.

1:24:24 Drew I was going to say. I was just going to ask you about hospitalization for bipolarity. Have you been hospitalized with that?

1:24:29 Caller Well, we have sex like, I'm all over him all the time.

1:24:33 Drew Yeah, well you're manic.

1:24:36 Caller Yeah, he, he, I usually have to go out for a few seconds. Are you taking your meds? He complains about his balls hurting.

1:24:42 Drew Are you taking your medication? Oh no.

1:24:44 Caller I don't take psych meds. I haven't been on psych meds since April.

1:24:48 Drew Yeah, well you're manic now. Yeah, no kidding.

1:24:52 Adam Well, why don't you get back on the meds?

1:24:54 Caller If I don't have sex with him like four or five times, I have to masturbate like eight times a day.

1:24:58 Drew Okay, so that's mania. And it also suggests sexual addiction, which means you probably have sexual abuse growing up too, right?

1:25:06 Caller Just a bit.

1:25:07 Drew Yeah, so you got two major, major... A sprinkling of sexual abuse... .major problems going on here, Marissa. This is not going to go well in the next few years. Just the natural history of this is not good.

1:25:18 Adam What's your plan? Why don't you get on your meds and get some therapy and stuff?

1:25:20 Caller I don't like meds. They make me feel stupid. And I can't drink or smoke pot on my meds.

1:25:24 Drew Yeah, so you've got addiction thrown in here too.

1:25:27 Adam Alright, so Marissa, do me a favor. Here's what I need you to do. Don't get pregnant.

1:25:32 Caller Oh, I already have a kid. I gave her up for adoption.

1:25:34 Adam Fantastic.

1:25:36 Caller I'm actually the one that called when I was pregnant and asked you if I could do anything bondage. And you said to me, I wouldn't trust you with a weed plant. Give your kid up for adoption. And I trusted your advice and I did it.

1:25:47 Adam Alright, good. God bless you. Did I say weed plant?

1:25:51 Caller You said you wouldn't trust me with a weed plant.

1:25:53 Adam Oh, you mean a pot plant?

1:25:54 Caller Yeah, there we go. You wouldn't trust me with a pot plant.

1:25:56 Drew You never said weed plant your whole life. I know.

1:25:59 Adam Why does everyone have to take a turn for the unfunny when they're explaining what I say? Every time they say, I saw you on that man show. You told Jimmy your ass face. That is funny. I was like, how about you be funnier than what I said? Did you do that? Make me seem smart? I wouldn't argue with you if you said something that sounded funnier than what I would say.

1:26:17 Drew A weed plant.

1:26:19 Adam You said you'd rather have them raise a planted weed or plant.

1:26:22 Drew They go unfunny, but they go all the way to confusing. A weed plant? A weed or a plant?

1:26:29 Adam When you smoke a lot of weed, you might get a weed plant.

1:26:32 Drew But it is sort of Yeah, Marissa, so we got sexual addiction, chemical addiction, bipolarity.

1:26:37 Adam Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. Look, we can't judge. That's the point. Here's what I'm saying. Everyone is the same. No one is better. No one is worse. No one is cancer. No one is shorter. No one is taller.

1:26:51 Drew Marissa, Chris, same person.

1:26:53 Adam Same person.

1:26:53 Drew Chris, Marissa, same person.

1:26:55 Adam Chris, Marissa, Chris could be stripping if he wanted to.

1:26:59 Drew He's manic. I can hear you. Here, listen to the talk.

1:27:01 Adam He's manic. He's in a fugue state right now. He's out of control.

1:27:04 Drew The speech is pressured, just bursts forth on the microphone.

1:27:07 Adam The point is, we cannot judge. We can never judge. Because everyone is the same.

1:27:13 Drew But judging suggests that you're making some sort of moral conclusion. The fact is, we can't even say that there's differences. We can't judge the differences because everyone is the same.

1:27:22 Adam It's all the same. Every culture, I don't care if you're hacking out the clitoris or forcing the chicks to wear a pillowcase on their head and beating the crap out of them.

1:27:33 Drew It's all the same.

1:27:36 Adam I can't judge. Nothing is better. Nothing is worse. Little trouble in the Middle East. Could be anywhere. Could be anywhere. We could be feuding with Canada non-stop. And just through the grace of God, we're not. You understand it's not the people and it could happen anywhere. Why aren't we feuding with Canada?

1:27:56 Drew It seems like it would be our turn. Arguing that we were being judgmental by considering terrorists as Islamic fundamentalists.

1:28:03 Adam How dare we? It's not about religion. It's not about religion.

1:28:06 Drew In Sri Lanka, there was a man who walked into a convenience store and threatened the customers there. And that was terrorism. Therefore, it's not all Islamic fundamentalists.

1:28:19 Adam The point is that all religions are the same. All people are the same. All cultures are the same. All parts of the world are the same. Crazy people, bipolarity. Everything is the same. It's all the same.

1:28:29 Drew And by the way, every time somebody behaves a little strangely, you dare to call them I had an attorney say this to me the other day. Every time a patient yells at you, you call them bipolar?

1:28:38 Adam Drew hates attorneys, by the way. He's a doctor. They're like ants and termites. They go at it. They can't help. The Hatfields and the McCoys. Alright, let's take a break. Come on, let's break it down now. April Matson here tonight. Chris, quiet down.

1:28:54 Drew We can't judge.

1:28:57 Adam Good parrot. He parroted me. That's good. Alright, Quintuplets, Fox, Wednesday Nights, 8.30 with a little guy by the name Andy Richter. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:29:16 Drew Loveline is brought to you by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

1:29:20 Caller Law enforcement is cracking down from coast to coast.

1:29:22 Drew No matter where you are, if you drive under the influence, you will be arrested.

1:29:25 Caller You drink and drive, you lose.

1:29:52 Adam I'm Adam, this is Dr. Drew over there, Jamie Kennedy, in here tomorrow night, April Matson here tonight from Quintuplets on Fox, 8.30 Wednesday nights with our friend Andy Richter. All right. Let's get back to phone and burn through some calls, yes? What about poor Christine, been on hold for 53 minutes? That's nothing.

1:30:15 Drew Yeah, this show is a short hold.

1:30:17 Adam Christine? All right. 17, what's going on?

1:30:23 A couple of weeks ago, I took some ecstasy and I had sex with my boyfriend. I've heard before that from a lot of people, that if you have sex on ecstasy, it never feels the same again. Now, whenever I'm hooking up with him, or not like it feels good, but I just, it's not enough.

1:30:41 Adam Yeah. Well, it's probably from hearing other people talk about it.

1:30:46 Drew No, no, no. I've heard of this happening, that people lose their orgasmic function. It's well known to damage the limbic areas of the brain where things like arousal are occurring. So it makes sense in the experience I've had in hearing people talk about these things where they lose it, they don't tend to lose it permanently.

1:31:02 Adam Not from one exposure.

1:31:04 Drew No.

1:31:04 I think I actually heard it on this show from another caller.

1:31:06 Drew You will lose it permanently. You keep going on the ecstasy though. You can't. The ecstasy is very damaging.

1:31:12 Adam You hear me, Missy?

1:31:13 Drew Don't do it.

1:31:15 Adam All right. You're fine. Look, here's-

1:31:18 Drew He smokes a lot of pot though. Christine.

1:31:20 Adam You smoke a lot of weed? No. Good. All right. Let me say this. We haven't talked about this in a while. People constantly trying to make things that are already really good better. Meanwhile, they're parts of their lives that are doing horribly and they don't focus on that. It's an interesting thing.

1:31:37 Drew You know what that is though. You know what that is?

1:31:38 Adam No. I don't know and I don't care.

1:31:40 Drew I'll tell you what it is. It's that people using sex like a drug to try to regulate their feelings.

1:31:45 Adam I use sex as a weapon.

1:31:46 Drew The fact that everything else, they're unhappy in other areas that they can't regulate their feelings, sex becomes the solution to that. It doesn't work. And when you stabbed her.

1:31:55 Adam I stabbed her with my penis.

1:31:56 Drew Where?

1:31:57 Adam In the foot.

1:31:58 Drew Footwork. Footwork. You didn't just go through the chest wall or anything.

1:32:01 Adam Didn't break the skin.

1:32:03 Drew Just got between her toes a little bit.

1:32:05 Adam She thought I threw a raisin at her. Yeah, it got stuck between the small toe. It was like ringing a bell in between the big toe. But the small toe, I could feel it.

1:32:18 Drew It stuck a little bit.

1:32:19 Adam Like a cigarette in an ashtray. Yeah, of course.

1:32:22 Drew A cigarette holder. Cradle of a cigarette.

1:32:25 Adam Okay. Here's what I want to say. Everybody, folks, here's what it is. Imagine what a better life we would all have if we didn't sort of play to our strengths or try to improve things that didn't need improvement and took that energy and focus it on, it's like you're getting B plus in this class, you're failing biology. Instead of trying to get it up to an A, how about focusing on the one you're failing?

1:32:49 Drew Yeah.

1:32:50 Adam You know what I'm saying?

1:32:50 Drew Yes.

1:32:51 April Matson I agree.

1:32:52 Adam Yeah, and you end up being a much stronger, well-rounded, more well-rounded person, by the way, if you do that, but it's easier just to focus on things that you like, and actually it's really, it's why it's like people that surf, they end up living a life of surfing, where they just talk about surfing, everything is a surfing reference, it becomes, it's like I'm good at this thing, therefore I will make it my entire life. It's always kind of weak, by the way. I always hate it when a fat comedian, or a black, or Hispanic, or whatever your ethnicity is, or whatever, redheaded, whatever you are, you go up there and you do a stand-up act, and every joke is about whatever your outstanding feature is. It always feels like, hey, that seemed easy.

1:33:35 April Matson Uncreative.

1:33:35 Adam Yeah, it seemed like they could have stretched it a little bit. Yeah? I would like a morbidly obese, a black, redheaded, gay comedian with cerebral palsy get up there and just tell jokes about airplane food. Nonstop. You would be blown away. You're like, come on, he's going to do a good joke. He's going to do a wheelchair joke, he's going to do a fat joke, he's going to do a black line. What? No, not this, just boom, nothing but observational stuff. Yeah? Yeah.

1:34:05 Drew Perfect.

1:34:06 Adam All right, buddy. Let's take a break.

1:34:08 Drew Timmy.

1:34:08 Adam We get paid the same, by the way. An outrage, yes? Yes. Thank you. We'll take a quick break. I'll be right back after this.

1:34:17 Caller Here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:34:22 Caller Call the Dateline. 1-800-CALL-UP-LINE, LOVE-191, CALL-CALL-CALL-UP-LINE.

1:34:56 Adam The show. I want to thank April for coming in tonight.

1:34:58 Drew And bringing up the poo issue. That was lovely. Lovely. Adam and I achieved a new plateau, and just I'm going to go to sleep tonight thinking of him with the kiddie pool of poo surrounding him with the gators and suspenders.

1:35:10 Adam Eye-opening stuff, Drew.

1:35:12 Drew Eye-opening.

1:35:13 Adam Third eye-opening. Quintuplets on Fox 830, Wednesday night. Jamie Kennedy in here tomorrow night, and until the next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, September 7, 2004