Episode 1000644321636

1:09 Voiceover Loveline may contain Discretion is advised. This is Loveline. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:22 Voiceover I'm Adam. This is Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Oh man, it is hot out here.

1:32 Adam In Los Angeles.

1:33 Drew And stuff going on, ants going nuts. Oh really? Good ants going nuts.

1:38 Adam That's the heat, but maybe sometimes it's earthquake too.

1:41 Drew Ants, I can't figure ants out. Here's the other thing it used to be. I learned from watching cartoons that ants love picnics and they love cakes.

1:51 Adam They carry them away.

1:52 Drew They carry them away. Turns out ants like effing with people more than they actually like food.

1:59 Adam They like creating giant corridors.

2:01 Drew Yeah.

2:02 Adam To wherever.

2:03 Drew Yeah, yeah. They're like, it's a million man mark.

2:07 Adam Yeah, a million?

2:08 Drew At least.

2:08 Adam Loads of millions, yeah.

2:09 Drew Yeah, black ants too. The point is, I'm watching TV. I feel something crawling on my head. You know, they're all over the place. And yeah, in the kitchen, but just as many in the bathroom. You know, it's like, hey, go after the food at least. Right. Crazy ants. And by the way, we've spoken about this in the past. You know, every time someone brings up one of those other animals, something else in the wild kingdom, like a spider or some, oh, they eat the bad ant. Where are they? Where are they?

2:41 Adam Well, by the way, the rest of the country has mosquitoes. We got the ants. That's our mosquito.

2:47 Drew It's better to have the ants than the mosquitoes. But here's the thing, like once in a while, I'll see a spider or something, and I'll think to myself, okay, now you can do your job. Here, go get the ants. You know, they'll push them over toward it. First off, here, let me tell you something about nature. Nature ain't interested in entertaining. Nature ain't your pony. You know what I mean? It's like, hey, bitch, I ain't a clown.

3:09 Adam You ain't the nature.

3:10 Drew As the nature says. Yeah.

3:11 Adam You ain't the man to the nature.

3:13 Drew Go get, it would happen. There would always be some guy I knew who had some Python or some reptile or something. He's like, we're going to feed it a mouse. We're going to feed it a mouse. And then they dropped the mouse in the game. They're going to stare at it for about three days and nothing would happen. And then you'd leave and you'd come back and the mouse would be sleeping on top of the thing. And then you'd go to bed and you'd wake up the mouse is gone. But never in front of you. Never anything good in front of you. And then once in a while you'll do that thing where you go, oh, there's a spider. Oh, there's a pill bug. Oh man, this is going to be great. You put them together, but it just steps over it. Actually steps on it sometimes. You'll see the spider walk through the line of ants and just step over them and just keep walking. They don't seem to know they exist. What about these other animals that are supposed to eat the bad ones? You always say it. Oh, the hawks. Oh no, they're eating the rats. They're eating the field mice. How come I never see it? I never see it. I see them flying around. I see the hawk flying around. I see the spider. I see all the stuff that's supposed to be doing whatever it's supposed to be doing. Never actually see it eating any of the bad stuff.

4:17 Adam Hmm.

4:18 Drew Do you know what I'm saying?

4:19 Adam It's all just PR. I mean, none of it ever happens.

4:21 Drew I know. I would be thrilled to see, like if I could just see, if I saw a spider like kicking a cockroach's ass in my kitchen, I'd be like, okay, now we're cool.

4:33 Adam And I'll do- They're leaving the score.

4:34 Drew I'd do that Indian thing. You know, my brother. You know, the Indians do that, do you know? Now I owe you. I will leave you alone. You may pass safely on my land. You know, but they never do. They're just sitting around. They're doing nothing. So ants going nuts are all over the, I got a dog. They're all over the dog food. They're just, they just go, they're just insidious. You can almost hear the noise they make when they march, you know?

4:59 Yeah.

5:01 Drew Just getting everywhere, getting everyone's head. And by the way, you can't keep them out. I don't care if you live in a submarine.

5:07 Adam Once they get going. You get ants. Yeah, once they get going.

5:09 Drew They go in and they're like, they come in through invisible portholes. Like you see them and they're going, what? There's no crack there.

5:16 Adam Yeah, where'd that, yeah.

5:17 Drew What are they doing? They're just pushing through solid matter. How does that work?

5:22 Adam It's so true, they just appear on the surface.

5:23 Drew It's there, like the window's sealed up. There's weather stripping on it. There's no big cracks anywhere. It's just they're just piling right through. All right, I gotta do something to get rid of these ants. Don't give me that chalk thing. I'm tired of putting the chalk.

5:36 Adam You tried that?

5:36 Drew Well, then you got chalk all over your house.

5:38 Adam It works so well, it scares me that stuff maybe, you know, not fit for life, for humans.

5:44 Drew Weather's a little crazy out here, but all right, we're cool.

5:47 Adam So you've had how many days in your new house? You moved in a week ago.

5:52 Drew How many days have I slept there? I've slept at my old house about four or five days.

5:57 Adam Out of the last eight.

5:57 Drew Yeah, I keep waking up in the middle of the night.

5:59 Adam You leave your blankie back there?

6:02 Drew Last night I packed it up and me and my wife went back because we needed air conditioning. The new air conditioning wasn't working.

6:09 What's with that?

6:12 Drew Don't even, don't, don't even. It's a crazy drive from the new house to the old house. Well, I made one trip at 4.30 in the morning and then two at like 2.30. It's excellent. It's fantastic. It's weird driving in your bathrobe, by the way. It's crazy. If I get pulled over, they're gonna wanna see some ID. They're gonna be seeing sacked. I got nothing. I'm gonna have to make a run for it. Like some sort of madman just running out into the wilderness barefoot.

6:43 Adam Take a bite, Carleen.

6:44 Drew Yeah.

6:45 Adam All right, here we go.

6:46 Drew Here we go. Katie?

6:48 Yeah.

6:48 Drew You're 15.

6:49 Caller Mm-hmm.

6:50 Drew What's up?

6:52 My boyfriend and I have been talking about having sex and we've done some stuff before, not quite as far as sex, but we've been talking about it for quite a long time and we've been going up for about two months.

7:05 Drew Mm-hmm.

7:06 Adam Stay in that talking phase. That's a good place to rest for a while. How old is he?

7:09 Drew You say two months you've been going out?

7:10 Adam Yeah.

7:11 All right.

7:12 Adam That's not that long, even in 15 year old months.

7:14 Drew How old is he?

7:15 15.

7:17 Drew 15.

7:18 Adam He can wait, he's all right. It builds character if he waits a little bit. All right.

7:24 Drew All right, just take it slow.

7:26 Adam It's gonna bond you guys together in a way that's gonna be surprising to both of you. This is a relationship that will never end naturally if you start having sex too young. It just bonds you and puts you two together in a way that you're not really prepared to deal with. That's all.

7:44 Drew How do you like your dad?

7:47 He's all right, but he's, like, this is my real, like, first, like, I really wanna be with him for a long time relationship.

7:58 Adam That's good. Yeah, just take it slow.

8:00 Drew Right.

8:01 Adam When are you 16? Who?

8:07 Drew Oh, you just turned, oh, well, happy birthday.

8:09 Adam Yeah, do not have sex. You're just 15, you're 14.

8:12 Drew Yeah, we're calling you 14.

8:13 Adam Yeah, don't do it, okay?

8:15 Drew Mm-hmm.

8:15 Adam You will regret it. I've never met that woman who wished she'd gotten rid of it a little bit earlier. Yeah, or certainly if she were 14, 15, or 16, doesn't wish she had waited, that one doesn't exist.

8:29 Drew Oh, no, no, if anything, just for the humiliation, later on when they're sitting around with their girlfriends, the new friends from work and they're all sitting around, when did you lose, I was 19, I was 20, oh, I lost it young, I lost it 18, Tammy, when did you, 13. Oh, another apple margarita, another apple daiquiri.

8:53 Adam Usually that one goes with a little disclaimer and then there's a moratorium for six years, no, no.

8:58 Drew Yeah, yeah, the point is, I'm an apple martini, I got apple everything but martini, here's the point. Yeah, for girls, it goes on your permanent record. Oh, listen, I hate to say, I'm not here to say the double standard is a good thing, I'm just here to say it exists.

9:16 Adam I'm not even saying that's a double standard.

9:18 Drew I know you're not saying it's a double standard, but I am, I mean, I'm saying that for girls, you lose your virginity at 13 or 14, it's on your permanent record and it's a mild stigma that you sort of carry around. Yes, it's true. And as a guy, you lose your virginity at 13 or 14, it's a little bit of a conversation piece.

9:37 Adam Even though if it's a stigma that people are concerned with, there may be a stigma, I'm not being a female, I don't know, but-

9:45 Drew You're not being a female, you don't know?

9:47 Adam I don't know what the-

9:48 Drew How do you cure patients when you're not stricken with the same disease?

9:50 Adam I don't-

9:51 Drew Aha!

9:52 Adam Yeah, but stigma is a little bit of a personal kind of a feeling. But the deal is, here's the point. But the point is, they don't complain about that. They complain about how painful it was, how confusing it was, how miserable they were, how it wasn't right. It just was a painful experience all over.

10:05 Drew No, I know, but-

10:07 Adam And they may carry a stigma also.

10:08 Drew You're crapping on my point.

10:09 Adam No, no, I'm saying it's your point and.

10:11 Drew All right, didn't sound like that.

10:13 Adam I beg your pardon.

10:14 Drew So sorry.

10:14 Adam I'm sorry. It was, because I did mean it.

10:17 Drew Yeah, it is, it is true. They don't enjoy it, but what I'm saying is, is you don't really enjoy it at 17 or 14, the first time out of gate.

10:23 Adam It's true, too.

10:24 Drew You wouldn't enjoy it at 30, 34, if you did it for the first time then.

10:27 Adam Or for that matter.

10:28 Drew And there are certain things. And one day we should sit down and put together a short list of things that you sort of carry around with you your whole life. You have to sort of explain them to people.

10:39 Adam How about right now?

10:40 Drew All right. Let's work that out. Well, for instance, for guys, sporting prowess, like at the high school level.

10:51 Adam Yeah.

10:51 Drew You know, like playing on sports.

10:52 Adam Or like what game? What did you let her in?

10:54 Drew I played on the varsity, you know, whatever team. It gives you some degree of credibility later on in life. People.

11:02 Adam Something to relate to. You know, you can hang with the guy that's, you know.

11:08 Drew Yeah, although it does get marginally insulting as people have heard me say 1,500 times on the show. I was first team All Valley football.

11:17 Adam No, never heard that. Have you heard that? No, Chris.

11:19 Drew Have you heard that?

11:20 Adam First team All Valley?

11:20 Drew No, never heard that. Not second team, not first team. How many guys on our, how many guys on the North Hollywood high school football team were first team All Valley?

11:32 Adam I was all CIF, but in the tiny little league.

11:34 Drew He played eight man. He really shouldn't bring that up. Now we play with the big boys. Two guys, me and my buddy Mike Duran. But here's my point, here's my point. Get a lot of mileage out of that.

11:44 Adam Yeah, of course.

11:45 Drew And then here's the insulting part. Everyone, really? Really? No.

11:50 Adam You?

11:51 Drew Yeah, it's like, you? Yeah, yeah, it's all valid.

11:55 Adam What?

11:56 Drew Okay, okay, now it's getting insulting. If you ask me like one more time, what was it, some sort of like special team? Did they bang the drum in order to know when to snap the ball? It was like retarded blind kids or, this is regular kids, yeah. Really?

12:10 Adam All right, so does that, there's also, what age a guy starts masturbating?

12:13 Drew Do something in sports. That's a good thing. And again, you embellish. You just embellish a sports team. But say you played on the varsity football or track team or something like that. For girls, virginity losing. Then masturbation for a guy neither here nor there.

12:28 Adam The age he starts. You mentioned that, that's on the record.

12:31 Drew It's on the record, but it doesn't really matter whether you start.

12:33 Adam It doesn't matter, but it just, we're just talking about what's on the record, what you carry around.

12:37 Drew Yeah, but unless it matters, it doesn't matter if it's on the record. And I know it sounds redundant.

12:42 Adam It's been a source of humiliation for you. We brought it up many times.

12:45 Drew Well, I got started late.

12:46 Adam That's what I'm saying. And the nefarious circumstance.

12:49 Drew Yeah, but it's weirder when you have that weirder that gets started at 11 and a half.

12:53 Adam Well, part of the record.

12:54 Drew Okay, here's the thing.

12:55 Adam Right.

12:56 Drew But it's hard to control when that starts, you know, for a guy. And that's why I'm not gonna give him advice as to when to start beating off. All right, so little sports is good. Ah, you know what's nice for a guy? Beat a guy up in high school or junior high. One fight, one fight. You can embellish it.

13:15 Adam You have to lose it?

13:17 Drew Just be in it, yeah. What happened? You're in the cafeteria, lunch line, some kid tried to take cuts. It's good if he's another nationality. Unless you're like black or Mexican. I don't think you wanna say white guy. Say another. If you're black or Mexican, say black or Mexican. And if you're white, say black or Mexican. But don't say white. It doesn't, never say Jew. You'll get zero credit. Zero credit. So the point is, get in a fight. For a guy, that's a good thing. You know, there's a guy, because everyone's trade story, oh yeah, this guy.

13:44 Adam Degrees?

13:45 Drew Degrees, well, we're building up to that. Better you should do poorly at a good college and do well at a decent college or poor college. You know what I'm saying? You just say you went to Yale, you went to Harvard, you went to Princeton, and everyone just sort of looks at you, oh wow, hey. They don't go like, well, what was your GPA or what was your emphasis or anything? You know, they just, they'll leave you alone.

14:06 Adam It's a stamp.

14:07 Drew Yeah, just try, get into some college people have heard of.

14:10 Adam I am with that, that's college.

14:11 Drew Sounds cool. Here's another thing you can do. Some sort of belt, some black belt, like taekwondo or something like that. Something, something that sounds like, oh, here's, we're talking about that stuff that no one else does, you know, like fencing or something. Oh yeah, I fenced in college, you know, bring that up. You'll be the best guy in the room at it. You'll be like, and all you gotta do is, if it's anything like fencing, ice skating, marksmanship, archery, this close to making the Olympic team, no one will ever question you. They'll like, prove it, let's see some documentation, show me a medal, you know, it's always just everybody. How many people were this close to, you know, making it in some obscure sport?

14:50 Adam Right, they're the Olympic selection process. Right, yeah.

14:54 Drew All right, so that's important thing. Now, girls, trying to think, and this goes for girls and boys, but I think we're thinking like men here for a second. So we want to get in a fight. It's good to get out of a, I don't know, either beat a ticket or outrun a cop or something like that. That's nice.

15:13 Adam You're just going the whole antisocial route here.

15:15 Drew No, no.

15:16 Adam Everything you carry, everything goes in your records, gotta be like a negative mark against you.

15:20 Drew It's good to say you got shot with a BB gun. Just one shot with a BB gun is a good thing. Funny, yeah, I've been shot with a BB gun. Chris, you've been shot with a BB gun?

15:29 Adam No.

15:29 Drew I see, okay, well, I'll do that. I'll shoot you tonight, BB gun. Okay, okay, no more talking. All right, so here's the thing. What is it for women? What do women need? Women-

15:39 Adam Go age with it, they start menstruating.

15:41 Drew Oh, you know what would be nice? They can't control that, Drew. I know, but it's the practice. Okay, here's a good thing for a chick. Don't bang the guy on your prom night. That's a permanent record. It's a little slutty permanent record move that your husband's gonna wanna know.

15:55 Adam The only advice you're giving to women so far is how not to be a slut.

15:58 Drew Okay.

15:58 Adam And where to go to college.

15:59 Drew Well, listen. Well, here's the thing about women. I mean, you know, you know what I'm saying?

16:05 Adam What?

16:06 Drew Well, you know, I mean, they don't need, they don't get looked at with the jeweler's loop like guys do. They don't have to be that impressive.

16:14 Adam They do by other women though.

16:15 Drew Okay, here's what, no, here's what women have to do. They have to not lose their virginity before 13 and they have to not get fat. That's about it. See if you can not get strung out.

16:24 Adam Let's see what some of our female callers think about that. Maybe they'll have some more insightful things for us.

16:28 Drew Are you kidding? No.

16:31 Adam We'll see, we'll see.

16:32 Drew No, look, oh, they can not get pregnant?

16:35 Adam Yes, yes.

16:35 Drew Oh yeah, there's a little permanent record thing. Having a kid or two and not being married, you know? Single mom thing.

16:42 Adam Not getting STD.

16:43 Drew Not getting STD is a nice thing. Not getting the HIV.

16:46 Adam That's always good, always good.

16:48 Drew That's a good thing. No, but think about little things like not losing it on, like you can screw your boyfriend of three years on prom night, but the geek that just asked you ten days before the prom, you can't have sex with him.

17:01 Adam No, no.

17:01 Drew It's gonna piss your husband off who's working to get in your pants for like three months who you worked with like ten years later. You know what I'm saying? There's a little permanent record-y things. That's all. Jackie?

17:12 Caller Yeah?

17:13 Drew You're 14?

17:14 Caller Uh-huh.

17:15 Drew What's up, baby doll?

17:16 Okay, well, first of all, I wanna say I love you guys. But my question, I heard that if you use a vibrator too much, you can lose sensitivity.

17:30 Adam That's true.

17:31 It's not really true?

17:32 Adam It's not usually not a big deal, but yeah, you can. And usually it's not permanent, but yeah, you can desensitize yourself.

17:37 How often would you have to use a vibrator for that to happen?

17:40 Adam I'm not sure there's a number on that one.

17:42 Drew Yeah, I'm currently conducting a study in my basement.

17:46 Adam Oh, really? On women or yourself?

17:49 Drew Both. Both, just everybody.

17:51 Adam Cause some, you know, how vigorously you use it, how frequently, how-

17:54 Drew No, we're working, we're factoring all that in.

17:56 Adam All that, you got all the big graphs and your big ice-

17:58 Drew Oh, it's crazy. Things bubbling, dried ice bubbling out of beakers. It's huge. Yeah, so Jackie.

18:07 Adam So yeah, it's just until you feel the sensitivity going down, that's when you might want to back off.

18:11 Drew Whose vibrator are you using?

18:14 Well, it used to be my sister's, but it's mine now.

18:17 Drew Oh, she went off to college or jail?

18:20 Well, she's a lot older than me. She's married and stuff now.

18:23 Drew Oh, that's nice.

18:24 Adam Did she bequeath this to you? Or you sort of found it? Or how did this go?

18:27 Caller I sort of stole it.

18:28 Drew Oh, really?

18:29 Caller Yeah.

18:29 Adam She went and where it went? She asked around the family? Imagine that conversation.

18:35 Drew That doesn't creep you out just a little bit. You know, chicks are, by the way.

18:40 Adam Jackie's versatile.

18:41 Drew Yeah, but chicks normally are weird. Like, if somebody, like, you know, it's like when I'm taking a leak in the sink, you know.

18:47 Adam That violates them.

18:49 Drew They're like, oh my God, I brushed my teeth on it. All right, all right, your highness, I'll rinse it out, you know. I brushed my teeth, yeah, I understand, whatever.

18:58 Adam But you're saying that using somebody else's vibrator is even more of a...

19:02 Drew Oh, oh, yeah.

19:02 Adam More than peeing in the sink.

19:03 Drew No, I mean, once in a while, like, I'll wipe my ass with a sock or something like that, you know, women will be like, oh my God. Maybe these aren't great examples. The point is, you blow a loogie into the sink or something. And so it's like, oh my God, I have to, for that dish, I have to, yeah, that dish had goulash on it last night. It's going to have clam chowder on it tomorrow night. You wash it. It's no big deal.

19:25 Adam You're saying you take hawks up at the dinner table and just lay them out on the dinner.

19:30 Drew Where? The point is, is women are normally squeamish about that kind of stuff.

19:35 Adam Jackie is good to go, though.

19:36 Drew Vibrator, just idea that something that was inside of her sister, it doesn't freak you out.

19:41 Caller Well, because I can't get my own because I'm too young to get one or anything.

19:45 Adam This is a matter of necessity here, Adam. Jackie is inventive.

19:49 Drew I'll tell you what you could do. Mm-hmm. Well, when I was in junior high, I think, we used to go buy beer and we would buy beer. We'd wait out front of the liquor store and then this is, by the way, before lawyers effed everything up for everybody, you could just do stuff like this. Like now, no one would do this because you think you'd get sued, you know. But you'd just stand out front of the liquor store at 10 o'clock on a Friday night during the summer until some guy looked kind of cool came by. Like this was the dude who was wearing the bell bottoms and the boots and had the pork chop sideburns.

20:25 Adam It's the Matthew McConaughey character in Dazed and Confused.

20:28 Drew Yeah.

20:28 Adam That's the guy.

20:29 Drew That's right. The dude. Except for this dude was not only the cooler dude who graduated a few years before you. This guy was a little more, he was probably like 10 years before, not two years before.

20:41 Adam Very much a stoner, overweight.

20:44 Drew This is the adult. It didn't have to be overweight because he could be spindly too.

20:49 Adam He has a speed guy. This is usually the guy buying a case of beer.

20:53 Drew It's just the dude who on a Friday night is buying a pack of Winston's and a pack of Mickey's Big Mouth and he's getting a six or a Mickey's and he's heading back to the apartment to watch a little porn and you head him off at the pass and he doesn't have kids of his own. He could be in his 40s. He doesn't have a kid. It's like, hey, dude, could you buy me a six pack of Schlitz? He's more interested in the money you're going to give him. Like, huh? What? Oh, you hand him five bucks. Oh, yeah, whatever. Loveline must look confused as to why you're not buying it yourself. You know, he strolls in, hands you the sixer. Never any change, by the way. And then splits. You could do this as a girl with vibrators. You stand out front of the naughty bookstore.

21:38 Adam Just wait for somebody to...

21:39 Drew Wait for some dude. Same dude. Same dude's heading in. Yeah, because he goes by a liquor store, gets the six pack of Mickey's, gets the pack of Winson's. Then swings by the Venus Fair, picks up, makes quick pit stop at one of the booze and then heads home.

21:54 Adam I'm getting this really uncomfortable feeling of disgust.

21:57 Drew Yeah. Yeah. It's a tough world. There's no doubt about it. It ain't pretty. I just report on it. The point is, is girl could get a vibrator that way, could also get one via mail order, but you'd have to guard the mailbox. You don't want that baby showing up when your folks are home. Okay. All right. Let's keep on keeping on, Drew. Here's the whole thing about being scrambled with a vibrator, by the way. I don't think you damage any nerve endings. It's just you get used to a certain thing and that's what you get used to.

22:28 Adam You actually can. I don't know if you damage it permanently, but you can change the nerve ending function a little bit. There's something called the jackhammer operators get that.

22:38 Drew Yeah. Stacey?

22:40 Caller Yeah.

22:41 Drew 22? Mm-hmm. What's up?

22:43 Caller I was actually working at a party this weekend. It was like Saturday night and I ended up hooking up with a couple of guys there.

22:50 Drew Couple guys.

22:50 Adam Working at a party?

22:52 Caller Yeah, I'm a stripper.

22:54 Drew Oh, okay, you have the voice. Hold on a second Stacey. Now don't go anywhere because we got to take a quick break. She's a ho ho ho!

23:05 Adam I was just thinking we needed ugçe a visit from him. It's been a little while.

23:08 Drew Phone, screen or brine, do not hang up on Stacey, because we're going to take a quick break. She's a stripper, she's working at a bachelor party I guess? Hooked up with a couple of guys. It all sounds good. Talk to her after this. All right, let's get cranking. What do you say? Oh, cranking. Uh-oh. Crank Yanker's tomorrow night. Well, Tuesday night, could be tonight. Some people hear the show on a day delay. Yeah, 10.30 on Comedy Central. Favorite show, all new season. Oh, I can just close my eyes and picture that young chap. All right, let's get back to Stacey. Stacey is 22. She's an exotic dancer. Yes, Stacey? And we working at a bachelor party last night?

24:48 Caller No, it was just some guy's party that I would know.

24:51 Adam Oh, you got that. Oh, that sexual abuse voice.

24:53 Drew Oh, you didn't hear that voice?

24:54 Adam I did, but now it's recorded right out of the cake. I did too. I thought it's possibly now I'm hearing it loud and clear.

25:01 Drew Was it a regular party or a bachelor party?

25:04 Caller A regular party.

25:05 Drew Oh, really? What do you do at the regular parties?

25:11 Adam Birthday party.

25:12 Caller Yeah.

25:12 Drew You just, you strip, you do the, what do you do? Do you play games? Do you play games?

25:20 Caller Not too much. I mean, whatever they want really, it's, I'm there for them.

25:26 Drew But you don't, you don't do the, like we're gonna do the around the world or the feed the kitty or the golden waterfall or mudslide, which is, I don't know if you've ever had that mudslide, Drew.

25:38 Adam I haven't either, I'm happy to say.

26:09 Drew David carries the boombox, it makes change, and is the bouncer guy? What's his name?

26:17 Caller I don't want to say.

26:19 Drew Just his first name. Come on.

26:22 Adam Norm.

26:24 Drew Arthur. All right. So he comes, he's like your security, right? Hello, I'm Lucius. And you show up at the party, and you get naked, right? And then what happened where you had sex with somebody or two people?

26:39 Caller My private show was like in the back room or whatever and I ended up hooking up with like a couple different guys. One of them was like really rough and so like I'm still sore. Like I feel like, like I got cramps and like, it feels like bruised down there like, and that was Saturday night.

26:59 Drew Well, well, wait a second now, you know, you take the guys, so then you do that thing. You dance for all the guys at the party, and then you do that thing where you go like, hey, you want a private, you know, you guys are going to have private sessions where we go into the master bathroom, you sit on the toilet, and I give you a lamp dance. But if you're a little naughty, you actually have sex with some of the guys. But do you charge them? How much? 50 bucks for every private?

27:31 Caller Every private show.

27:34 Drew Right, I'm hip. But then what about the guys who get to have sex with you? Do they have to pay extra? Just an extra tip?

27:45 Adam She's not a prostitute, Adam.

27:48 Drew Hold on a second. What I'm saying is you want to get a private dance, you pay 50 bucks. All right, so you go into the guy sits on the foot of the bed and she does her thing for 10 minutes. But she actually bones you. I mean, isn't that a bump? A little, you know, boner penalty or hazardous duty or something? Like, she gets... And by the way, you know, when each guy pays 50 bucks and you go back there and they're like, what happened? And one guy's like, oh, man, I beat off so good in the sink after she left. And that guy's like, I screwed her. That other guy, first guy's pissed. Outrage. Stacey? So you don't charge for the sex?

28:30 Caller Not really.

28:33 Drew You need an agent, my friend. You got to charge if you have sex. You understand?

28:39 Adam Is Arthur still standing there doing all that?

28:41 Caller No, he's not in the living room or whatever.

28:44 Drew Yeah, he's chilling. OK, so you had sex with two of the guys. And yeah.

28:53 Caller Like a few more than that.

28:55 Adam Few more than that?

28:56 Drew Few more. How many guys? Six? Out of how many? Unacceptable. Now why didn't you have sex with the other nine guys?

29:13 Caller I don't know. It just didn't happen.

29:17 Drew Do you have to be attracted to the guy?

29:20 Caller I mean, yeah.

29:22 Drew Yeah, I know. I mean, in a relative way. You can't have polio.

29:26 All right.

29:27 Drew So you were attracted to the six guys you had sex with?

29:31 Adam Mm-hmm. How often do you do this? And that's prostitution, right?

29:40 Drew Well, so you're not charging. You're not charging, right? Now, so at 50 bucks a session, and you had six guys, how many guys you give the private session dance to? So there's 400 bucks, right? And you get to keep all that money? That's a decent living. Meanwhile, Chris over here gets 10 bucks an hour for...

30:12 Adam Don't you want to hear what kind of horrible, ritualistic abuse you had to go through as a kid? I'm not interested in that.

30:18 Drew Stacey? Any abuse go on in your childhood? Weird or step dads? Uncle's molestia, that kind of thing?

30:27 Caller Like I kind of remember like my dad touching me, but that was just like once.

30:32 Drew And then he went to jail?

30:34 Caller No.

30:35 Adam No one ever beat on you?

30:37 Caller What's that?

30:37 Adam No one ever hit you?

30:41 Drew Hmm.

30:42 Adam Impossible.

30:43 Drew Well, hold on a second, Drew. Hold on.

30:46 Adam Stacey's are not born.

30:47 Drew Oh, let me say this. Let me say this, Drew. Sometimes, sometimes you find people that are, just please listen to me. They have, here's a combination. Exquisite low self-esteem. There are a lot of just throwaway kids out there. They're not, they're not.

31:04 Adam Severely neglected.

31:05 Drew Yeah, they're not wholesaly abused. They just grow up like feral children. They just sort of run around. Everyone, me and everyone, practically everyone I knew, just sort of, you just grow up. It's like, real early, here's the message. You better take care of your own ass. You better take care of your own ass. You better figure out how to do something. You mix that, so you mix that sort of super low self-esteem kind of mixed with this weird sort of street survival thing. Like I gotta look out for number one. Mixed with just stupid, just kind of dim and no real sort of moral compass.

31:35 Adam You throw an addict in there and you get that.

31:37 Drew You throw an addict in. All right. Stacey?

31:39 Caller Yeah.

31:40 Drew You addicted to anything?

31:43 Caller I drink and I smoke marijuana a lot.

31:46 Drew All right. All right. So what did your, now your parents got divorced when you were younger?

31:52 Caller No. I mean they lived together and stuff. They were together the whole time I was growing up, but my dad was never around that much.

31:58 Adam How come?

31:59 Caller He just made himself gone a lot.

32:03 Adam Oh, you got that Adam?

32:04 Drew Let's do Loveline reenactment. My parents were together the whole time we were growing up, but my dad just wasn't there that much.

32:13 Adam Where was your dad?

32:15 Drew He just made himself gone.

32:17 Adam Oh, okay. Let me get that straight. I'll get that written down.

32:21 Drew He made himself gone.

32:22 Adam Not there because he's gone.

32:23 Drew Well, maybe he's a magician. Was there a cloud of smoke left behind? No, he just he was a he drank. He was a philanderer. What do you do?

32:34 Caller Yeah, he was always out like he would come home really late and stuff. I don't really remember that much.

32:39 Drew Okay.

32:39 Adam You don't remember your childhood.

32:41 Drew I don't remember dad that much.

32:43 Adam That she doesn't remember her childhood. That starts to fit.

32:46 Drew Well, we worry about you.

32:49 Adam And you're complaining about vaginal pain. No kidding. No, yes. You need to get regular pelvic exams. You could have an STD. Who knows what's going on?

32:59 Drew More traffic than the LAX passing through that vagina.

33:03 Adam Let's have a look at the bomb squad.

33:05 Drew Stacey. Yeah. She's lucky the fire department didn't close it down.

33:09 Adam I say close down terminal seven here. Let's go.

33:12 Drew No, I just mean, you know, over occupancy. There's too many people in it. Fire marshal come in, close the place down. This vagina is only made for 100 guys. You got about 150 dudes in here. Yeah.

33:25 Adam Yeah.

33:25 Drew She would get by the way, speaking of the permanent record.

33:28 Adam Oh, it told a number.

33:30 Drew You know, you know what they ought to have? They have ought to have a vaginal odometer because, you know, when you're buying a used car, I mean, that's what you're looking at. Right. What's what's the reading on that?

33:41 Adam People can get under the dash and change that.

33:45 Drew Well, that's the other one, too, is like I've probably been with a few chicks. I had 12,000 miles. Not bad. It turned over. Oh, yeah. That's 212. Turn over twice. It should be an odometer.

33:57 Yeah.

33:59 Drew Vegeometer.

34:00 Caller All right.

34:01 Drew Stacey. Yeah. Oh, boy. It's going to be hard to tell you to stop doing this. But and I don't think you're going to. But how about you just stop having sex with the guys? Could you do that? Yeah.

34:16 Adam You just you're putting yourself in very serious.

34:18 Drew We worry about you. We really do.

34:20 Adam We really do, come on.

34:21 Drew Yeah, go ahead and keep the dancing going. Of course, of course. Save that money.

34:26 Adam Yeah.

34:27 Drew Save the money.

34:27 Adam I mean, he still gets the $50 for the private dances. Those guys aren't going in there expecting to get have sex.

34:35 Drew You know, that's the whole thing too. You know, she's calling from Cincinnati. Maybe, you know, I think there's different expectation levels in different parts of the country. Because I tell you, I watched that Hookers on the Brink show. Or on the Edge or whatever it is, like this HBO special and it's like, it's like the guys in the car was like, yeah, how much for BJ? And the chicks like, that'd be $15. Come on, baby. You got to be better than that. I'm thinking $15. I give the guy $20. He gives me a ride to the airport. All I get is a handy and just literally the guy is getting he's getting he's getting $15 he wants for a BJ and he's like, you're way out of line. I mean, you know, I could see paying $9 for a great, you know, maybe if, you know, Princess Di came from the grave and gave me a hummer, I could see maybe then like $12. But $15, what $20 for sex? Oh, come on. Come on. Yeah, so I realize in different parts of the country, things, things vary a little bit. I think Vegas, Los Angeles, New York get plan on spending a couple dollars if you want actual intercourse with a stranger is another stripper wants to follow up on that, Michelle. Yeah, you're 19. What's happening?

36:01 Caller Okay, I just had a comment about her. Like, honestly, you're going to have you're going to be sore after six guys and I'm a dancer myself and I do not sleep with any guys whatsoever at any of my parties. I do one on one shows and they ask for sexual favors and I will leave and my company totally backs me up on it. And you don't need to sleep with people.

36:18 Drew You'll do what? Hold on. They'll ask for sexual favors and you'll do what?

36:23 Caller If they can, I'll say no. And if they continuously ask or act rude towards me, I'll leave and my company backs me up on that. Because that's prostitution. You know. And of course your coochie is going to hurt after six guys, honey. And in how long of a time? And I make just as much if not more money than she does. And I don't sleep with guys.

36:42 Drew Now how does, how does, what do you charge for the private dance by the way?

36:47 Caller I charge about fifty.

36:48 Drew About fifty. And how long does that go? A couple of songs, ten minutes? What is. Broken up with their boyfriends? You need a ride home? You want a ride home? Yeah. No. Mark? Yeah, he's a prick. I never liked that guy. You could do better. You want to come to the apartment and do a bump a coke? You want to do some coke? Yeah, that's how it works. Just a little bump. And then he just swoops. And then he gets a little, he gets a little. And hopefully her boyfriend had sex with some other stripper so it's like a little payback time.

37:47 Adam Fabulous.

37:48 Drew Where's, did Michelle Michelle, go. No, I'm still here. She's still talking to her.

37:52 Adam Michelle?

37:54 Drew Okay. Heard the phone drop. Fifty bucks. Now, if you like a guy, let's just want to get into it with the strippers for a little bit here. If a guy is cute, if you're into the guy, he gets the 15-minute dance, right?

38:08 Caller Well, yeah, it's just kind of like, I don't know.

38:17 Drew If you, if you like a guy. Hold on a second.

38:25 Adam It's what?

38:27 Drew I can't figure out if the phone screwed up or she screwed up. No, but part of it is the phone. Part of it is the thing where it drops out.

38:32 Adam She's not finishing her sentence. She's not.

38:34 Drew And by the way, it would be such a, for a guy, it's such a zero, no-brainer. Like if there was some bachelorette party and, you know, there's a couple super hot, tight chicks there and a couple of blobs, you know, and you had to go into the back room and whatever, you'd give the half-assed five-minute super bridged, you know, lap dance to the big fatty brought back there, right? And then the hot chick got back and she get the marathon one, right? It would just be easy. You know, chicks, I don't know if they don't admit it or they don't think that way or they, no.

39:12 Adam Well, they're all business.

39:13 Drew Michelle?

39:15 Caller Yeah, I do think that way, okay.

39:16 Drew Thank you, yeah. You got a guy you're attracted to. You're gonna give him a little better lap dance, right?

39:24 Caller Yeah, definitely.

39:25 Drew All right.

39:26 Caller But I would never, I don't give out my phone numbers or I don't give out my phone number, my personal number if they want me to come back then I give them the business line. Right, wow. I never sleep with anybody.

39:35 Drew Right, unless Charlie Sheen comes pulling up. Once you get a celebrity, you gotta do something. She's calling from Riverside, so I'm sure you got the A list out there, you got like Clooney. But the point is, all right, so you shouldn't have sex with the guy. This is all business, you make your money. You have a boyfriend? No. No? Well then what is, no. So what's wrong by the way, if you gave a lap dance to a guy and he was attractive guy and you liked him? Why wouldn't you give him your number?

40:14 Adam She's trying to negotiate boundaries in a situation that's pretty troubled already. And her thing is, well this is where I draw the line. So she has to meticulously, fastidiously hold the line there but it's an arbitrary place.

40:30 Drew Believe me, you know, I could send, half the guys have been on this show, to send like Jeremy Piven over there or something.

40:37 Adam He'd get a BJ. Right, and so that's the point, she claims to hold that line but it's such a weird, bizarre line to hold. It's such a boundary of the situation already.

40:48 Drew Yeah, you meet a nice guy, give him your number, that's all I'm saying. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Get it on.

41:40 Adam Got to get it on now.

41:40 Drew Let's get it on.

41:40 Adam It's Loveline of Adam.

41:40 Drew That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1. Let's go.

41:41 Adam That stripper talk got you going.

41:42 Drew Let's get it on.

41:43 Adam Yeah.

41:43 Drew Yeah. Haven't been to a strip joint in a long time.

41:47 Adam I imagine that.

41:48 Drew Got to get out to a strip joint. Yeah. Runway Zebra, Fox dab Charlie, Turn away. That would be funny if they actually start doing some air traffic work. They can do Disney, they can tour, they can do like Universal Studios. Ah, blah, how's they filmed Psycho? And blah, the Jaws. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah?

43:14 Adam Yeah, perfect.

43:17 Drew Here we go.

43:17 Adam Here's Michelle.

43:24 Caller Hi. About six or seven months ago, I noticed this small little, like kind of a lump on the outer part of my vagina. And I know I haven't had sex in over a year, or unprotected sex anyway. So I was wondering what that could possibly be.

43:45 Adam It's a smooth lump?

43:49 Caller It's, I don't know, and I noticed two more this morning that are kind Ms. Carlson? The other one is smooth, but the two that I have now are kind of coarse.

43:59 Adam Well, a course. The little raised area is a wart, usually. So smooth areas can be cysts. But Michelle, we'd only be absolutely guessing. You can have some nda exam and that, why wouldn't you?

44:14 Caller Because I don't have health insurance now.

44:17 Adam Go to Planned Parenthood. There's a lot to go to County Health Services. Just get a pelvic exam.

44:23 Caller Would a wart show up after almost like seven or eight months without having sex? Sure.

44:29 Adam Absolutely.

44:30 Drew What about that Bartholomew's gland, Drew? What about that one?

44:34 Adam Bartholomew's gland down there, they can get inflamed, and maybe Bartholomew's gland cyst.

44:38 Drew Could be a cyst.

44:39 Adam But if it's coarse feeling or it feels like a wart, it's a wart, and something needs to be taken care of.

44:45 Drew All right. Let's talk to Anthony. Anthony?

44:49 Hey, what's going on, guys?

44:50 Drew You're 22.

44:51 Caller Yeah. Hi. First of all, I'd like to say I love you guys. I watch or listen to it all the time.

44:56 Drew Thank you.

44:57 Caller Anyways, I just had a question. I've been dating this girl for probably like a month now, and everything's going well. I really like her. But I've been finding out from her friend that she has had like a little bit of like an abusive past. So, you know, I listen to you guys a lot. I know you guys always talk about that, you know, that they look for that.

45:18 Adam Who looks for that?

45:20 Caller You know what I mean? Like, are they typically if a girl has an abusive past that they are attracted to that type of guy?

45:27 Adam Oh, I see. They're looking for more abuse. They're reenacting the abuse.

45:32 Caller I just, I'm, should I, what should I look out for?

45:35 Adam By the way, an abuse victim either is the victim or the abuser. So you may be, some abuse may be coming your way.

45:42 Drew Yeah, or both.

45:43 Adam Or both, back and forth. Yeah.

45:44 Drew Yeah. Well, chicks usually the abused and the abuser as the guys. But then women will end up doing, believe me, the kind of abuse that they'll deal out is going to be much more devastating over the long term.

46:00 Caller Yeah. Well, she was the abuse.

46:02 Adam What happened to her? What happened to her?

46:04 Caller Nothing, nothing physical that I know of, but her friend's telling me that her dad was really, I guess, all her life been really verbal, like just verbal abuse, calling her like a slut and stuff like that. And I don't know, I mean, like, I really am really interested in this girl. I really want to date her. I just don't.

46:22 Adam Just expect a little trouble.

46:23 Drew Go ahead and do it.

46:24 Adam Yeah, definitely do it. Hang in there.

46:26 Drew Don't get her pregnant.

46:26 Adam Don't get her pregnant. Realize that if you do start getting close to her, that's when she's probably going to sabotage this. When you actually do get close and good feelings start coming, that's when she's going to do something to blow it apart.

46:37 Drew Where's my bourbon?

46:38 Adam Expect that. And just even get her to hang in. It'd be good for her if she could.

46:42 Drew We're going to take a little bit of a break. You know what I like most about the Labor Day weekend?

46:48 Adam What's that?

46:49 Drew And just vacations in general is listening to talk radio and hearing the replacement guys that have on like at midnight on Labor Day. And they're like, yeah, this is John Chalmers with real estate and religion on the line. You call in, you have any questions about religion or real estate? Don't hear a replacement stuff knocking over in the background guy talking as like Quaalude type canes. And you think, well, yeah, this guy gets on the air. Chris, that's what you should be on. That's what you should be doing.

47:17 Adam All the replacement.

47:18 Drew Yes. On Christmas, I want you if Christmas falls on a level. Is it always on the same day?

47:25 Adam No, no.

47:26 Drew Yeah. Yeah. It could fall on it. It could fall on a workday for us.

47:29 Adam Yes.

47:30 Drew Yeah. All right. You fill in for me. Sweet. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after that.

47:38 Caller Here's the deal. You're looking to hook up? Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:42 One call is all you need to make.

47:44 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

47:47 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:52 Drew Call, call. Thank you. I'm Adam Carolla. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. All right, Jamie Kennedy coming in a little bit later on this week. Beth is on the horn. She lost her virginity. Guy dumped her two weeks later. That's heartbreaking. Beth? What's happening, baby doll?

48:51 Caller Well, we've known each other since 7th grade, and we hooked up one night after I got in a fight with a boyfriend.

48:58 Drew Hold on. Me and you or is this some other guy you're talking about?

49:02 Caller The guy that broke up with me. But I lost it too.

49:05 Drew I got so excited for a second there. So we never hooked up? No.

49:11 Caller No, we never hooked up.

49:12 Drew Yeah. Well, whatever. Keep going.

49:16 Caller Okay. So I hooked up with him that night, and we ended up like going home together and stuff.

49:21 Drew Me and you?

49:22 Caller No, I'm sorry. Me and the guy. Let's call him Greg.

49:25 Adam Well, you keep saying we.

49:27 Drew You keep saying we ended up. And so I'm like, oh, cool.

49:29 Caller I kind of figured.

49:30 Drew He must have been drunk.

49:31 Caller All right.

49:31 Drew So you and Greg, whoever he is.

49:35 Adam You went home together.

49:37 Caller Well, it was like really late. My dad, he has this rule. If you're not home by 3 a.m. don't bother coming home.

49:44 Adam This isn't what he had in mind, by the way.

49:47 Drew Drew has the exact same rule, except for you have to move 3 a.m. up to 9 p.m. And then you have to be craps himself and calls the National Guard.

49:57 Adam Absolutely.

49:58 Drew Other than that, exactly the same. Yes. Kids aren't home by 9 p.m. Crap yourself. Call the Air National Guard.

50:05 Adam That's right.

50:05 Drew Amber Lert. Beth. Oh, by the way.

50:09 Adam All those freeway signs lit up.

50:11 Drew Out here, we got the, oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay. I'm not gonna launch you into this. I'm not gonna go sick on something. But be, here's the thing. I'm gonna finish with Beth. And then kids, strap yourselves in and prepare for a hippo flopped size rant.

50:33 Adam Of what was?

50:34 Drew Of those freeway.

50:35 Adam But Amber Lerts, the freeway signs.

50:36 Drew And by the way, they got out here, maybe they have them nationally, they have these Amber Lerts, when a kid is missing, they flash it on the freeway sign. It was named after a young girl, obviously, named Amber, who was taken away. Couple problems. A, you can't name it after a chick whose name is a color, because you hear like red alert, and like code orange, and that kind of thing. Amber Lerts sounds like, well, it's not quite a red alert.

50:59 Adam But just Amber.

51:00 Drew Amber seems weird. Even Amber, just a name. I mean, Amber's a fine name, but when you do an Amber Lert, and then it starts bleeding into all this terrorism thing, like, well, we're in orange, or we're in yellow, or in amber, or in fuchsia. It's a little weird when you hear the Amber Lert. But the point is, the second one is, none of it gotta be one for dude, too. Like, you know, it's suck if you're, you know, your young son, Bobby, was abducted, and he got the Amber Lert.

51:28 Adam Well, now the color sucks. The color sucks to have more meaning.

51:31 Drew The color is better now, but that's the chick.

51:33 Adam That's why you left it amber.

51:34 Drew That's why a chick is abducted. They need to, I hate to say, but a young male needs to be abducted and we need the male.

51:40 Adam The bent alert.

51:41 Drew Yeah, the bent alert sounds like something you rub on sore joints. We'll work on that. All right. Beth. You're 17. I'm sorry. So we went home. So your dad said, if you're gonna come home after 3 a.m. don't come home.

52:00 Caller So, I mean, if I wake him up, he just gets all cranky and stuff, and my bedroom door is very loud.

52:05 Drew Right, I see.

52:06 Caller It has a squeaking thing to it. So usually, if I stay out late, I'll just go home with friends and his friends.

52:12 Drew Your bedroom door is very loud.

52:15 Caller Yeah, well, it's like, when you turn it.

52:19 Drew Yeah, how about you grab a little WD-40 and squirt it on the hinge? By the way, this is, hold on a second. I've now learned, because I'm married, this is beyond the realm of possibilities for any female to do something like that. Really? Check for penis next time you guys get in bed. Anyway, so you went home with this guy?

52:41 Caller Yeah, I went home with him, and well, we told his parents and stuff, so I just, I slept next to him, but we didn't do anything the first night.

52:48 Adam Oh, wait, you told his parents?

52:49 Caller Yeah, well, we told his parents that I would be spending the night.

52:52 Adam When you got home at four in the morning?

52:55 Caller Well, yeah. I mean, like, we called from the movie theater before we got home that late, and we told them, we're planning on...

53:02 Adam Again?

53:03 Drew Dad, I'm going to need some water-soluble lube, some condoms...

53:09 Adam Soundproofing. Which room is the quietest room in the house?

53:11 Drew And some Pop Tarts, because I like the carb load before I drop mine.

53:17 Adam Yeesh.

53:17 Drew All right. And so you slept over. Did you have sex with him?

53:21 Caller No, not the first night.

53:23 Drew All right.

53:24 Caller We ended up hanging out a lot after that, and then finally, like, we went to the beach one day. After the beach, we just ended up, I guess, getting in the mood, and it happened and stuff, and it was awkward.

53:35 Adam Oh, Beth.

53:37 Drew All right.

53:37 Adam All right.

53:37 Drew So you had sex, and now what? He's blowing you off?

53:40 Caller No, no. Actually, we don't talk at all. We haven't talked for four months.

53:45 Adam Let's reenactment. So, Beth, now what? He's blowing you off?

53:49 Drew No, no, no. Not at all. We haven't spoken in four months. Never. We don't even look down.

53:56 Adam But he's not blowing you off.

53:59 Caller Wouldn't he have to be like talking to me in order to be blowing me off?

54:03 Drew Well, I mean...

54:04 Adam Blow off is about not responding.

54:05 Drew You had sex and then you didn't really talk too much after it.

54:09 Caller Well, it didn't happen like right away. It wasn't like a silent thing right away. It was kind of like slowly. I just started like not looking into his eyes and he stopped even walking the way around me and just completely ended.

54:22 Adam Stopped walking the way around her.

54:24 Drew Thought she was going to start singing. So, anyway, you had sex and you broke up.

54:30 Adam That's it.

54:31 Caller Well, the thing is too is his friend came because he kind of isolated himself from everybody. He wasn't talking to anyone when we were going out and he was always around me and he was always saying like, come over, come over, like I miss you and I would always think like he's going to get tired of me and one day his friend Ryan comes over and he was with Ryan the whole time and I was like asleep and later on the night going home and on my way home he was like I got to talk to you and I was like okay and he was like I'll talk to you tomorrow and I was like okay and then he ends up breaking up with me the next day and that very All right.

55:03 Drew Look, this is an entire beat.

55:05 Adam I had to follow up. Come on. It's challenging.

55:08 Drew You know what I just start picturing? I just start picturing a collage, like a girl putting a collage, like cutting out pictures.

55:16 Adam I was watching you listen to her and I just I was imagining like a giant Egyptian trireme with something rolling like a guy rolling.

55:26 Drew Yeah. That's all it was.

55:27 Adam You were in the galley.

55:28 Drew I was just in a galley as a fat guy with studded leather belt and he was just cracking his sweat. Another guy was sweating and pounding on a plate and I was a slave ship just rolling. Yeah.

55:42 Adam I saw that bubble over your head.

55:44 Drew And I just completely drifted off.

55:46 Adam I on the other hand was fascinated by the nuance of the story. Because a pockish satire of contemporary more is particularly like the cameo appearances.

55:55 Drew I don't get what. All right. So what happened and who cares?

56:00 Caller I guess he ended up calling days after that when we got back together again. And then finally one day I flipped after having sex with him. We had sex kind of a lot. And I kind of told him, well, I don't want to see this anymore. The key is really awkward. And I told him like, I can totally tell that there was somebody else that he was kind of attracted to or that he started talking to or something. How old is he?

56:20 Caller He's 18.

56:22 Adam All right. It ended up. It ended up.

56:26 Caller It ended up being to where I think I found out, well, I found out later on that there was like a girl he hooked up with. But at the same time, I was hooked up with someone else too. So it didn't bother me at all.

56:37 Adam It gets better.

56:42 Drew All right. What's going on? I'm about to smash my skull in with this Carrot Top Coffee Mug. I had to put myself out of my misery.

56:50 Caller I'm just wondering, like, was it bad that I had sex with him right away? Was that maybe-

56:55 Drew Learning experience.

56:56 Adam It has nothing to do with why it didn't work out. It didn't work out because it didn't work out.

57:01 Drew Right. And by the way, nothing really is that bad if you learned something from it and don't do it again.

57:08 Adam Well, if you were 14 and learned a horrible lesson for a painful cost, that's different than 17, 18. This is just, this is sort of normal stuff.

57:16 Drew Yeah. That guy was having fun at that end.

57:19 Adam Or he was, it sounds like he was, he was obsessing with her and then he kind of, it just didn't work. So they were just not meant for each other.

57:24 Drew I like her dad's policy though. If you're going to come home after 3 a.m. don't come home at all.

57:31 Adam Like I said, crap myself, National Guard.

57:33 Drew You want to hear my dad's policy? Don't come home. No, here's what it was.

57:41 Adam What? Adam, who? Who?

57:43 Drew What? What policy? Over what? Why should we have a policy? I think every time I left the house, my parents hoped I didn't come home. That was their policy.

57:53 Adam Yeah, their policy.

57:54 Drew I'd be like, where are you going? I'm going to our Tom's house. I'll be back. Don't worry. I won't be back too late. No, no, no, no. Eat some poison. Yeah. You sure you don't want to join a cult? They have that Jonestown. It's awesome.

58:06 Adam How'd you miss that?

58:08 Drew You've been to French Ghana this time of year?

58:10 Adam Beautiful.

58:11 Drew It's paradise over there.

58:12 Adam How did you miss getting picked up by a cult?

58:15 Drew I should have. I should have just joined a cult. It would have been better. Everyone would have been happy. All right, so.

58:20 Adam You would have become one of the cult leaders that just has sex with all those ______.

58:24 Drew Oh, it would have been awesome. First, but good solid year of being corn holed by the elders. And then I start to. Yeah, payback's a bitch and I start up with the young ladies. OK, here's what I want to say. Friday. No. Thursday. Thursday night, we were driving home as we always do. You and I. You and I. From the radio station.

58:47 Adam Oh, here we go.

58:47 Drew Going along the same route we always go.

58:49 Adam Oh, yeah.

58:50 Drew I've gone on this jag a couple of times. I still have no satisfactory answer to it. We're driving along the 10 freeway, one of the bigger freeways in the Southland.

58:59 Adam Not one of the bigger, one of the most traveled freeways in the world.

59:02 Drew In the world, in the world. Going into the 110 downtown freeway, which is one of the most traveled freeways in the world and one of the most busiest intersections in the world. The world. Not California, not the United States, not North America. The world. And thankfully, for 20 years now, 20 years, since Los Angeles hosted the 84 Olympics, they put up these multimillion dollar freeway signs.

59:33 Adam The same signs that Steve Martin talks to or talks to him in the LA stories.

59:37 Drew Right.

59:37 Adam Same sign.

59:38 Drew Give us a little heads up on...

59:39 Adam Chris just figured out what we've been talking about. We mentioned these signs a hundred times. Chris going, oh, oh, okay, okay. I'm picking it up. Yeah.

59:46 Drew Yeah. Sound like Floyd the barber.

59:48 Adam Yes.

59:51 Drew Look him up on the internet later, Chris. See what we're talking about. Here's the point. These are multimillion dollar signs. I was supposed to give you a little heads up on what's going on up the road a little bit. Drew and I pass under several million of them a year on our commute and never say anything. Now they flash the amber alert when the kid was abducted. They put on there, which is fine. That's a good idea, although it's as if they discovered a use for something they should have had a use for for 20 years and somebody just decided to dust them off and put missing kids on them every six months.

1:00:23 Adam Well, be fair. Now, we are up here in Los Angeles driving by this Orange County and Riverside County, a good half hour, an hour away from here. They will tell us what's going on in the DeVore Pass.

1:00:33 Drew Yeah. Once in a while.

1:00:34 Adam Or the Toro Y.

1:00:36 Drew The ramp was closed off on the Ball Street exit in DeVore, which is a good 70-hour drive from where we're going. And they give you a heads up on that.

1:00:47 Adam In fact, tonight, I expect to see something about Francis, the hurricane. I think there will be something about road closure in Florida.

1:00:53 Drew They closed the goddamn 10 freeway when it went into the 110 on a Thursday night. They could have put the stupid thing on the sign that said, hey, dear Tards, attention Tards, in the next two miles, the freeway is going to close.

1:01:09 Adam You might want to take action.

1:01:10 Drew You might want to get the hell off the freeway instead of just heading to this bottleneck at midnight.

1:01:15 Adam No, it's about the parking lot.

1:01:16 Drew Parking lot because they stopped the freeway. No, never is. Just run right into it. And as I've said many thousands of times, why can't we work this out? How come there's nobody's ever accountable? I have cops in here. I yell at them all the time. What's going on? Who's in charge?

1:01:32 Adam They laugh at you.

1:01:33 Drew Well, that's run by a division of Caltrans and they don't communicate with the highway. What? Can we get somebody on any of this stuff? Really? This is how it works. Got a million dollar sign that's going to tell you what's going on in the freeway, but they'll tell you when the goddamn freeway is closed. What goes on in here? How come nobody's ever accountable for this? Why aren't there things telling you on that thing, nightly telling you what's going on? And for Christ's sake, when you close the goddamn freeway, the next freeway you come up to in the next two miles, put it on the FN sign, so we'll get off. It boggles the mind. It's like they're taunting you with this ridiculous sign they put up there that costs millions of dollars. And I want to know, has anyone ever seen anything on that that could pass as useful information in the 20 years those goddamn signs have been up there? Is there anything? I got the amber alert up there. It's like, yeah, this kid's missing. What do you want me to do? Slap the siren on the top of the car and start driving on the shoulder? That's it. I'm going after this kid. I could see it. Like, I'm just driving down the freeway. I'm heading into work. Uh-oh, kid's missing. I reach in the glove box. I grab the siren that Starsky and Hutchies do. I slap it on the top of the car. I pull an e-brake. I whip it around. Now I'm going into traffic, but I'm driving on the shoulder. I reach back out of the seat. I pull the sawed off and I do that pump. I pump it with one hand. Oh yeah. I'm going to bring this kid in. Yeah, that's great. What am I looking for? It's a cream colored camera. All right, I'll get right on that. What's the kid? I like when they give the weight of the kid. Just say he's a five year old. I don't need the 43 pounds. I don't know what kid's weight. I don't have a scale. If he's morbidly obese, say it. If he's five and he's 210, let me know. Other than that, just say five. I don't need the weight. What am I going to do? By the way, I found the kid. It said 43 pounds. This guy's going about 39. I'll put him back. Couldn't be him. I know everything else matches up. The dental work, the prints, everything else, but he feels a little light. I thumped him.

1:03:44 Adam The camera was brown too, so it couldn't be him.

1:03:47 Drew That's the only thing they ever put on these goddamn signs. When you close the freeway, put it on there. Who's in charge? Who do we get to talk to in this town about any of this stuff? What's wrong with LA? How come when you go to other towns, they seem to have things? What's wrong with LA? There's like too many legals. It's too big. What don't we have here? Is it populated with too many people from different lands who really don't care?

1:04:14 Adam Too decentralized, maybe?

1:04:16 Drew I really do. Here's what I really do feel like. I really do feel like Los Angeles is a rental car. That's what it is. You look around, you can't find a person that's from... You barely find people from the country. And if you do find people that are from this country, they're from Pittsburgh, they're from Michigan, and all they want to do is talk about their beloved Steelers or the Philadelphia Eagles, or whatever their team is, and they want to go back, and all they do is, oh, Boston, Boston, Boston, Boston. You've been here for 22 years. You came here when you were nine. Can you get over the Boston thing? See, that's it. Nobody cares about LA. Everyone just sits here and talks about the Sox. That's it. What did Anderson say? National show?

1:05:07 Caller It's a national show, man. Why do you have to make fun of it?

1:05:10 Drew Oh, shut up. What are you talking about?

1:05:12 Caller It's a national show.

1:05:13 We're talking about, you're talking from North Hollywood.

1:05:16 Caller Let's talk national.

1:05:17 Caller Come on.

1:05:21 Adam Anderson's high.

1:05:22 Caller I'm so high right now.

1:05:24 Give me a break right now.

1:05:27 Caller But honestly, Adam, come on, we're not broadcasting just from North Hollywood.

1:05:32 It's from all over.

1:05:33 Caller I'm so high.

1:05:34 Caller Come on.

1:05:34 Drew What are you doing? Are you smoking pie?

1:05:37 Caller I'm smoking crack tonight.

1:05:40 Drew The Pittsburgh Steelers are something you should respect and people, yeah.

1:05:45 Caller Don't mess with Pittsburgh, please.

1:05:48 Drew He's a penguin guy.

1:05:48 Adam Every day, a penguin's a stealer.

1:05:49 Caller Penguins, yes, please.

1:05:52 Drew Anderson may be high.

1:05:53 Caller Penguins.

1:05:54 Caller I'm a little high.

1:05:55 Caller I'm a little high.

1:05:57 Drew What would you do? Smoke some reefer before you came in the night?

1:06:01 Caller Corolla, come on.

1:06:02 Caller Really, it's just, this show does not come from just North Hollywood.

1:06:06 Caller That's what I'm saying.

1:06:08 Drew Anderson's high.

1:06:10 Adam I'm sending a little high. I'm putting a life, you know, sort of a head on it.

1:06:15 Preserver. Preserver.

1:06:16 Caller Please throw out one, Drew, please.

1:06:18 Drew All right, Anderson, don't ever interrupt the rants.

1:06:21 Adam Okay, but you know what the rants do?

1:06:23 Drew Tonight, tonight, it's Labor Day. Come on.

1:06:25 Caller We can do it.

1:06:27 Drew But it's not just, you know, what North Hollywood's got a team. No, they don't. So let's just not like make fun of the rest of the teams. Pittsburgh Steelers. Okay. Oh, I see. I brought a Pittsburgh.

1:06:37 Adam Yeah, that's the problem.

1:06:38 Caller Don't do that.

1:06:38 Adam We love Pittsburgh. We like Pittsburgh.

1:06:40 Drew We actually like Pittsburgh.

1:06:41 Caller Go Penguins.

1:06:42 Drew Thank you. That's what I mean. You see what we, you see?

1:06:44 Caller I have a tattoo on my right shoulder, right?

1:06:46 Caller Yes.

1:06:47 Adam I'm from LA right?

1:06:49 Drew Right, but.

1:06:50 Caller But I got a tattoo, yes, exactly, from the, yeah, exactly.

1:06:53 Adam I'm proving your point. Corolla. Here we go.

1:06:56 Drew Penguins. Here we go.

1:06:57 Adam Let's go to break.

1:06:58 Drew Anderson thinks he called John and Jeff. That's the worst show I've ever heard. All right, come on, buddy. Now that's the weed talking. That is a great radio. I don't smoke weed. I just smoke crack. Come on, let's go. Break. Break. Break. Break. All right.

1:07:13 Adam Well, take a break. Yeah, Anderson needs a break.

1:07:15 Drew Take a break. Well, Drew is going to call the Medevac unit. Yeah, get Anderson. Anderson, are you OK to walk home tonight?

1:07:27 Actually, you know what? Take a call because I have to put the break together, please. So take a call.

1:07:31 Drew OK. All right. What else? What he wants to talk about?

1:07:35 If you could take a call, that would be great.

1:07:37 Drew I have to burn the break. What direction would you like me to go with the call? No direction, Corolla.

1:07:42 Adam You're in charge.

1:07:44 Drew But honestly, Drew, Adam, take a call if you could just burn three minutes. I'm saying, what if they start steering it toward Los Angeles Talk? Should I avoid it or would you like me to go with it?

1:07:53 Adam Honestly, I won't notice as long as you don't want to talk about Pittsburgh.

1:07:56 Drew Take a call.

1:07:57 Adam Thank you.

1:07:59 Drew Sarah?

1:08:00 Caller Yeah.

1:08:00 Drew You're 18? What's happening?

1:08:06 Caller I can't have sex. Like, I can't even wear a tampon. I don't know if I'm too little or if there's something wrong with me.

1:08:15 Adam Well, have you gone to the doctor to see what's going on there?

1:08:18 Caller I went when I was like in 8th grade or something because I was having cramps, you know, and they went to go do an exam and like, you know, when you go for an exam, they have like that little torture device that they use and like they couldn't even put it in me. All they could do is get a Q-tip and like just scrape some skin and see if I was okay.

1:08:43 Adam Well, you need to go back now that you're 18. Maybe you've got a very thick and fibrous hymen that needs to be sort of dealt with or maybe you're having some spasm with the muscles down there. That's a possibility.

1:08:56 Caller Anything ever happen to you? I mean, I've been having my period since I was 12 and I can't wear a tampon, so obviously I have to have some kind of opening if I can have a period, but like I just I mean I can't have sex or anything.

1:09:11 Adam I've tried it to be dealt with with the gynecologist. There may be some some things that need to be done here.

1:09:16 Drew Gynecologist.

1:09:17 Adam You were never sexually abused or anything of that sort, nothing to make it a super. Yeah.

1:09:24 Caller Um, like my stepdad touched me some, I guess I moved out, I mean, I was by myself now, but I lived with my dad for a while.

1:09:31 Adam Makes us wonder whether something those sort of traumatic kinds of experiences may be triggering some muscle contraction down there. That's a possibility. But again, a doctor needs to look in there and check it out and decide whether or not there's really something anatomically something wrong or whether you just need to learn how to calm down.

1:09:49 Caller And, and by the way, I can't really hear you.

1:09:51 Adam Okay. I did there. This may be something called vaginismus, which is a, which is a difficult to stop contraction of the pelvic muscles. And there are various treatments for that, and I may be speaking to sort of flippantly by saying just kind of calm down, but anxiety is a big part of that process sometimes. Uh-huh. And, and first and foremost, you need to see if there's something anatomically wrong. Okay? All right.

1:10:15 Drew All right.

1:10:16 Caller Thank you.

1:10:17 Drew All right. And a little therapy for stepdad taking a pass at you.

1:10:22 Caller Yeah, we got that taken care of.

1:10:26 Drew Well, you got him taken care of, but did you get taken care of?

1:10:29 Caller Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, it's just, I decide I can't live with him. I mean, it's not something I should dwell on for the rest of my life, so.

1:10:38 Adam Oh, contrary, Sarah. Trauma survivors always believe that they've handled it. I dealt with that. I put it aside. It leaves implicit kinds of wiring behind in your brain.

1:10:48 Drew Let me say, let me...

1:10:48 Adam It affects how you relate to people.

1:10:50 Drew Let me give a... How about, I got some ideas for PSAs, public service announcements. As you know, we sit here and we hear the national feed and we hear the one about airplane turbulence and what your body's made for and all these other ridiculous wastes of money. We're just basically just deluged with advertisements against secondhand smoke and stuff. How about a little PSA that says, if you got dittled, you need therapy? Most of the people who get screwed with either verbally, physically or sexually don't even seem to know that they require a little therapy or they're going to go through the rest of their lives. They're not only destroying their lives, but we're going to be responsible for them as a society.

1:11:33 Adam And their kids.

1:11:34 Drew And their kids. How about that? Not interested? Or is that airport laptop computer theft at the top of the trouble pyramid? Why don't the public service announcements have any correlation to life?

1:11:48 Adam Forget the public service announcement. How about the way?

1:11:50 Drew How about the politicians? How about anything? But anytime you turn on the news, right in the middle of an election year, do we ever hear anything about anything? So far, all I hear about is John Kerry, either he was on a PT boat or he wasn't or his crew liked him or they didn't. It's like, what the F are you talking about? Does anyone even know? Here we go. We got to take a break. Did you hear, by the way, Hillary Clinton, Anderson is ready to take a break now, but hold on, buddy. Hillary Clinton, did you hear her little talk to reporters about Bill, who is in the hospital? Oh my God. She is like an ugly fembot. It's like somebody created a mule fembot. I don't think she's... I'm over to the door to pop open on her back and just battery.

1:12:38 Adam Like she was talking about some sort of...

1:12:41 Drew She went out there and she said, this is before her husband, Bill Clinton, had his bypass surgery. This is like the day before. She went out there and said, thanks for coming, don't worry, Bill's in good spirits, Bill's doing great and he's going to be back and in fighting form. And it was like a campaign rally. It's like, look, how about the, yeah, he's sick, we're worried.

1:13:05 Adam That's my husband.

1:13:06 Drew I got to get back in there. She literally said he'll be in fighting form in a number of weeks. He's doing great. By the way, he didn't have the surgery yet. How do we know he's doing great? He could die on the table.

1:13:19 Adam Right.

1:13:20 Drew Oh, it was just like this weird painted on face and this, you know, cameras clicking and she's standing there smiling and she's all rigid and stiff and she's got a mop handle up her ass and she's talking about, all she can talk about is how he's going to be back out there and don't worry. He's going to be fighting form in just a couple of few short weeks and he's doing great and he's going to be great and everything's great. I thought, how about being a human being for 10 seconds?

1:13:44 Adam Thank you.

1:13:45 Drew All right. Why give the speech, by the way?

1:13:48 Adam I know.

1:13:49 Drew Are you a doctor? You're saying how his surgery the following day is going to go? Where they split his ribs open? Oh, it's going to go great?

1:13:55 Adam He'll be back out on the- The surgeon made some comments about the cognitive difficulties people have after these bypass surgeries. I found that very interesting.

1:14:02 Drew We got to get into that. Anderson says we should go to break. Anderson, what do we talk about when we go to the bathroom? Take a quick break. Penis size. We'll be right back after this.

1:14:22 Caller BTYB Sprint PCS with ReadyLink, which lets you link up with your friends fast, walkie talkie style.

1:15:04 Drew Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. All right, so we're talking just before Anderson told us to go to break that I saw Hillary Clinton on the news, I don't know, Thursday or Friday or something talking about her husband Bill's impending a very serious surgery, just going out there like a true politician. Literally said he's going to be back in fighting form in no time, that he's doing great, all pre-surgery. Again, it's the kind of stuff you would talk about after the surgery if everything went well.

1:15:40 Adam Well, first of all, surgery, he was just before surgery when he was in a fair amount of danger, because you can't be sure he's not going to have a heart attack while you're sitting down waiting for the surgery to go down. Then there's the procedure and its inherent risks, and he's still in trouble. You know, if he starts going south tomorrow, you know what that's from?

1:15:59 Drew What?

1:15:59 Adam Alcohol withdrawal.

1:16:01 Drew Alcohol withdrawal? Oh, because what, no boozing while you're...

1:16:04 Adam If he starts going bad tomorrow, the next day, it makes me think about that.

1:16:08 Drew Why? How does that work?

1:16:10 Adam Just because the withdrawal takes a couple days to kick in, and they're on opiates for a couple days that tend to block the withdrawal. And then if they just unexplainably, they seem to go bad, you know, that's usually...

1:16:19 Drew Why, you can't booze when you're in the hospital?

1:16:21 Adam No, that's hard, Adam.

1:16:22 Drew They don't have a bar? No?

1:16:25 Adam And yours there would be, but...

1:16:26 Drew Well, no bar. No bar?

1:16:29 Adam Anyway, that'll be interesting.

1:16:30 Drew Like in the lobby, you know, down where the gift shop is.

1:16:32 Adam That will be interesting.

1:16:33 Drew No bar.

1:16:34 Adam I know.

1:16:34 Drew Because they have a cafeteria.

1:16:36 Adam Listen, if they did, you'd be yelling about the hours that the damn thing was open, so it's a good thing that they don't.

1:16:40 Drew Oh, no, the hospital bar would be great. Like, would you like Kimchatka and Sunny D? No, how about some orange juice? Uh, no, we have fruit punch and we got some smirnoff and fruit and any regular stuff that people would eat. No, we have, now, we have, would you like to order an appetizer? We got breaded and deep-fried saltines and animal produce.

1:17:05 Adam We'll have a dietician talk to you about what we have to offer here, but the surgeons were trying to be exquisitely accurate in their press conference, and they were talking about the risks, and they were saying, look, this was a common procedure. This was a routine procedure. It is a very serious fraught with difficulties, and each routine procedure has its own inherent sort of thumbprint, so to speak, the things that happen during it that you can't expect.

1:17:30 Drew Wow, but not according to Hillary Clinton.

1:17:33 Adam And they brought up the fact that after bypass, prequel frequently have cognitive changes.

1:17:37 Drew They can't think straight.

1:17:39 Adam Yeah, their thoughts go abnormal. That was very, and it was brought up, and I was reading on Yahoo, it was brought up on there, too, but it's like, oh, but of course it goes to normal within a year. Well, not always, not always.

1:17:49 Drew Well, now here's what I heard about the cognitive part of the procedure.

1:17:53 Adam It means the thinking, the end personality and mood, all kinds of things get altered, the brain function.

1:17:57 Drew Yeah. Well, first off, you can tell us why that happens. And then secondly, I heard it was more of an issue in older guys and people that had some form of family history of this disease or something like that, that if you're relatively healthy and relatively young, you have a decreased chance of this happening. Now, why? Why does this happen, by the way?

1:18:21 Adam Nobody knows for sure. Presumably, it's because you're not... the blood supply to the brain is not under physiologic control. It's a machine that's pumping the blood back.

1:18:31 Drew Because you shut the heart down.

1:18:32 Adam You shut everything down. And so it just can't... things don't regulate normally and maybe things just don't get the oxygen they should. They can cause a damage or shock to it of some sort. Or maybe sometimes the blood pressure changes and sometimes little blood clots form. They can maybe shower the brain with that. So there's lots of different things that can go wrong, that can happen.

1:18:48 Drew I just wonder... You know, I just wonder who decided that politicians had to be sort of sociopathic robots. All smiles and whatever. I mean, it would have been great to see like Hillary Clinton like come out there and go, oh boy, am I having a bad day. This is... I'm scared to death. I know this is a relatively common procedure, but they're splitting my husband's chest open in about 12 hours and I'm freaked out. I'm not going to even speculate on when he's going to be whatever. You know, he's in our thoughts and prayers and I'll talk to you and tell you how it went tomorrow after the doctors tell me. Oh, he's bringing me back in fighting form in just no time. Still smiles and he's doing great. He's great. Great? I'm on the sofa watching. I'm doing better, right? I'm not in the hospital getting ready to have the rib spreader clamped onto me. How good could he be doing? Really? He's doing great? He's doing great? He found out last night or earlier in the day he needed open heart surgery or anything? How good is that? And by the way, what's your scale of great? So a guy getting a BJ, how's he doing? Stupendous? What are you? Let's say we're fishing in Baja. Is that guy doing the same? He's doing great too? Everyone's doing great? Or guys awaiting heart surgery doing great? That's great. Oh, no, it's great. It's a mitzvah. Listen, we can't have a politician be a human being. A Bush can't deliver a speech without just looking like he's reading it off something. This is the direction we're going. What about all the reality TV shows?

1:20:30 Adam Let's have reality politics. I'm with you on that.

1:20:33 Drew Well, it's a huge trend in television. People are like, look, we're tired of all the makeup and lights and BS and the scripts. We want to see reality. That's all the public clamors for. We want reality. We want to look behind the curtain. We don't want all the pomp and circumstance. We want something gritty, we want something realistic. How about a politician? It seems like a human being. Instead of walking around all the time, giving the retarded old man thumbs up everywhere.

1:20:58 Adam I think that person would do well.

1:21:03 Drew I get the feeling it would too. You know what that person is? Chris Rock. Yeah. It's a good movie. It's great. He's got a speech all prepared that the man wrote for him, but his brother from the hood tells him to talk from the heart. And he goes out there and he speaks from the heart. And you know what? At first the audience is a little confused.

1:21:27 Adam But then there's one person.

1:21:30 Drew They won him over. He won over the audience, oh, who knew, who knew? By the way, you write that in the movie? Like, doesn't anyone raise their hand like, yeah, haven't seen this in 300 movies? Tiffany? Genius, though. And by the way, let me just say this. How can Chris Rock, I've said this many times, he's consistently, he's like, whenever they do those things every once in a while, he's like, funniest man on earth, Chris Rock, number one, you know, number two, Dave, Steve Kirk, Bill Kirkenbauer, I don't know, number three, Geechie Guy. No, no, they always do, it's the funniest guys in the world. Chris Rock always gets number one. How many unfunny movies do you have to put out before you get dropped down to number two? How many, how many flaming turds do you have to release before you get knocked off the number one funniest guy in the world perch? I, I think Chris Rock's stand up is real funny, don't get me wrong, but how many crappy unfunny movies do you got to crap out before someone just drops you down to like two?

1:22:30 Adam I can see you haven't figured out that cinema business yet.

1:22:32 Drew I know, I gotta work on that. Tiffany?

1:22:35 Caller Yes.

1:22:36 Drew You're 20?

1:22:37 Caller Yes.

1:22:37 Drew What's happening?

1:22:39 Caller Um, well, I have been having sex for about a year, um, for the past six months I've been with my boyfriend, we have sex every day if not more, and I have never been able to have an orgasm.

1:22:53 Adam During intercourse? Yes. Have you ever had an orgasm? Ever?

1:22:57 Caller Yes.

1:22:58 Adam And how does it happen to you? So just by yourself?

1:23:04 Caller Yes.

1:23:05 Drew What about oral sex?

1:23:07 Caller No.

1:23:08 Drew Never?

1:23:09 Adam Never. Has he ever done that?

1:23:11 Drew Yeah.

1:23:12 Adam He tries. Well, that's how it's going to happen, Tiffany, that's how it's going to happen.

1:23:16 Drew Yeah.

1:23:16 Adam It's not going to happen with intercourse, that's for sure.

1:23:18 Drew That's the road you must travel, the oral road, understand? No.

1:23:25 Adam No, it's not going to happen with intercourse.

1:23:26 Drew Every position thing. Once it doesn't happen in the first position and a half, it ain't happening. Your highest percentile chance yield, yes, your greatest yield would be you on top just giving a rub and pretending like he wasn't there, like he was just a pillow with a boner.

1:23:46 Adam Right.

1:23:48 Drew That's probably about as good as it will get in terms of percentage.

1:23:51 Adam Even that's not likely to work.

1:23:52 Drew No. Have them just work on the- What?

1:23:59 Adam Listen, I was just on, I did a radio show with a woman, a psychologist, a well-trained. She was saying that the data suggests that 30% of women are able to have orgasm with intercourse. Are the 70%-

1:24:10 Drew 30% of women over 18?

1:24:12 Adam A lifetime. A lifetime.

1:24:14 Drew Oh, a lifetime.

1:24:15 Adam That only 30% will actually have orgasm with intercourse.

1:24:17 Drew Right. But then there's that, it's even probably, you know, talking about a 17, 18-year-old, talking about a smaller percentage.

1:24:24 Adam Right. Even of that 30%, probably half of them come on board around mid to late 20s, probably.

1:24:31 Drew Right. So, 30%.

1:24:35 Adam Isn't that wild?

1:24:36 Drew So 70% of women cannot have an orgasm via intercourse.

1:24:39 Adam Yeah.

1:24:40 Drew That's it. I'm not trying anymore. That's all I need to know.

1:24:43 Adam All right. That's it.

1:24:45 Drew My wife's going to be like, hey, how about, no, no, check the data. Doesn't lie.

1:24:52 Adam Don't call me. Don't ever call me.

1:24:53 Drew I'm an atheist.

1:24:55 Adam It gets a little weird when she calls me.

1:24:56 Drew I run my life off these numbers. Yeah. Call Drew.

1:24:58 Adam He'll tell you the data.

1:25:01 Drew Check the numbers with Drew.

1:25:03 Adam Check them out. It's uncomfortable, but yeah.

1:25:06 Drew 30%.

1:25:06 Adam 30%. You're no good.

1:25:08 Drew Well, you heard it. Who else? You want to talk to Dr. Marcel? All right. You want to get Bruce on it? Bruce. No, no. I was just kidding. I don't want to talk to Bruce. Oh, Bruce is here. Oh, my God. He heard me. Yeah. All right. That's it. I'm done humping. All right. I always had a suspicion I should quit humping, but now I know. That's all right. I've had anal sex and I've passed out.

1:25:28 Adam Well, that's right. You like the oral sex too. So, there you go. The oral highway goes both ways for you.

1:25:32 Drew I'm done. I'm done.

1:25:34 Adam That's it.

1:25:34 Drew We'll take cells. I'm going to practice my new valve, 69, with engineer Chris. That's it. It's only 69-ing from now on. Assume the position and leave the headphones on. I want you to hear what I have to say. All right. With a quick break, we'll be right back after this.

1:25:56 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:26:01 Caller Loveline is brought to you by Sprint PCS with ReadyLink, which lets you link up with your friends fast, walkie-talkie style, without using your minutes, only from Sprint PCS.

1:26:31 Drew Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. Yeah. All right. Oh, if we only cared. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-9. Engineer Chris, you know the part where I didn't have my headphones on and I was just sort of staring at you?

1:26:48 Adam That's where you go, 10 seconds.

1:26:51 Drew You do 10 seconds?

1:26:52 Adam 20 seconds. Yeah.

1:26:54 Drew I like when Engineer Chris screws up that part, and he gives you the quick finger, hey, like what, oh, I was supposed to get the headphones on and put the coffee down faster? Yeah, you gotta give us that, you know, here we go. Well, I heard the music.

1:27:08 Adam We didn't hear the Anderson countdown.

1:27:10 Drew Yeah, that's what we missed. All right, give me the finger, everybody. Have you seen my headphones, aren't I?

1:27:15 Adam Well, Anderson is indisposed, as he is tonight. Just, somebody's gotta give us that countdown.

1:27:22 Drew All right, here we go. Let's get this going. Come on now, let's break it down. Yeah, Anderson, Anderson, like a miner who struck a gold vein and went to town drunk. You know what I mean? Hadn't seen a woman or whiskey in about six months. You're so old, dude, you're so old. Just hit a big vein of gold, and he's in town, he's buying booze for everybody. You're so old. That kind of drunk. Yeah, just sloppy, belligerent, drunk. Drunk, yeah.

1:27:54 Caller What are you talking about?

1:27:56 Drew All right, buddy, let's get it on. Let's go.

1:28:00 Adam Monique, 22. Okay. Yeah. Here we go. Yes.

1:28:07 Drew Yeah, and by the way, what part of Monique, 22, here we go, let's get it on. Here we go now. What part of that? What more? Here's what I'm saying.

1:28:16 Adam What's confusing about that?

1:28:18 Drew What do I have to say? There are no words beyond.

1:28:22 Adam Wait, wait, you wish to say this. Caller Monique, 22, you're on the air with Adam.

1:28:28 Drew Here we go.

1:28:29 Adam Monique, you're on the air now with Adam.

1:28:31 Caller Okay. All right, this is the question. I've been with my husband for two years. I have two kids, one of them with him and one of them with my ex. And I had to get married to him to keep my daughter. And I don't love him anymore. And I met somebody else, which is a girl. And it's really hard for me to leave.

1:28:54 Caller You're a lesbian.

1:28:56 Adam You had to marry him to keep your daughter. There's gotta be a huge story in that.

1:29:01 Caller Yeah, drugs.

1:29:04 Adam You're a drug addict.

1:29:06 Caller I was, not anymore. But so yeah, I guess I am. Once a drug addict, always a drug addict.

1:29:11 Adam Good.

1:29:11 Caller All right.

1:29:11 Adam And how's your recovery going? Really good.

1:29:14 Caller I've been clean for two years.

1:29:16 Caller All right.

1:29:18 Adam I'm not gonna ask the usual questions.

1:29:20 Drew You have a sponsor?

1:29:21 Adam No.

1:29:22 Caller Do I have a sponsor? No.

1:29:23 Adam No way.

1:29:24 Drew I just say no.

1:29:25 Adam I think I'm talking to NASCAR.

1:29:27 Drew All right, you don't have a sponsor. Drew doesn't trust people that claim to be sober that don't have sponsors.

1:29:33 Adam Well, they're not sober. You're not using drugs, but you're not sober.

1:29:36 Caller No, I'm not using drugs and I don't drink. I don't do anything.

1:29:40 Drew All right.

1:29:40 Adam But somebody who's not doing drugs that is not actively processing, not actively replacing the drug addiction with some process is gonna do strange and disturbing things. That's just the way it works. You're gonna get depressed, you're gonna get anxious. Well, sexual addiction is what takes over when the chemicals are left behind.

1:29:59 Drew All right, listen. Here's the thing. First off, what happened to you? Some kind of abuse? You're a mess.

1:30:10 Adam All kinds.

1:30:10 Drew Can you get some therapy?

1:30:11 Caller I had to leave my house when I was 16 because of it.

1:30:14 Caller No, I haven't. No.

1:30:15 Adam Listen, just the program, Monique.

1:30:18 Drew All right, just stay with the program. And look, two things. Quit crapping out kids, for Christ's sake. You're 22, you have two kids, one with two different guys. You're a mess, you're abused, you never got any help for it, you're not fit to parent because of your past.

1:30:36 Adam What you're calling I love somebody new is not really love. It's some sort of an infatuation, some sort of an arousal, some sort of gratifying experience that you have, some sort of chaos you need perhaps. But here's what you gotta do. Do not leave your husband. You need to cater. Well, but just listen. Get a stable, you gotta create a stable environment for those kids. That is your job now, that is your life. You have two kids, you're responsible for two lives. That's the priority. And in order for things to be healthy for them, you have to be in a solid program of recovery. So you gotta go to NA, get a sponsor, start working steps, and some of this sexual addiction will hopefully stop as well.

1:31:13 Drew Monique, doesn't sound exciting.

1:31:15 Adam It's not exciting, it's not exciting at all.

1:31:17 Drew Can you, can you, here's-

1:31:19 Adam But it's more nourishing and more satisfying.

1:31:20 Drew On behalf of your children and society, can you stop acting out and start taking care of yourself? Yeah. All right. Good, there you go.

1:31:29 Adam That's all we need to hear. That's the best we can do.

1:31:31 Drew Again, back to my public service announcement thing. Yeah. We don't wanna give a heads up to anyone who was just abused and molested, that they're gonna need a little therapy before they start crappin the kids out. And that's not a focus of our society whatsoever.

1:31:45 Adam By the way, the health problem of our time, which is the drug addiction. Just a little bit about that.

1:31:51 Drew Where have all the children gone, Drew? Now, we gotta worry about second-hand smoke. That's a first-rate killer. That's what we need to focus on. And once we lick smoking on the beach, then it's time to focus on the wholesale abuse that's going on in this country of the young kids.

1:32:09 Adam But first, we better really zero in on laptop-computer theft.

1:32:13 Drew Laptop-computer at the airport, and then, of course, the number-one killer of this country's youth.

1:32:19 Adam Air turbulence.

1:32:20 Drew Air turbulence.

1:32:20 Adam Yeah, of course.

1:32:21 Drew And anyone who's flown knows that rarely do you take a commercial flight in the United States without carting at least a couple of body bags off each plane.

1:32:29 Adam Because your body's not meant to withstand air turbulence.

1:32:32 Drew It's made for rollerblading. It's made for childbirth. It's made for bad food. It's made for football. But no, it's not made to fly. No, no, no, no.

1:32:41 Adam It may not fly. Turbulence. Well, as you know, it's totally they would agree with that.

1:32:47 Drew Yeah. As you know, Drew, speaking of football, professional football teams take commercial aircraft oftentimes and fly commercial style aircraft from, you know, place to place.

1:32:59 Adam There's at least three players each time.

1:33:01 Drew When they're talking about the injury report on any team. The people that are on the injured reserve list, that's from flying. Of course. That's not from what happened on the field. It couldn't possibly because your body's made.

1:33:15 Adam For football.

1:33:15 Drew For football.

1:33:16 Adam But not.

1:33:17 Drew But not there, not to fly.

1:33:19 Adam There you go. Yeah. Really? Not that you're playing turbulence.

1:33:22 Drew Let's just use your logic for one second. In the history of the NFL and college football, in the billions of miles flown in between Michigan and Nebraska and all the San Diego going out to play the Giants, every one player lost to turbulence or as opposed to the hundreds of thousands that went down on the field? Think about that for a second. That's your example? Really? That's what we got to focus on though. So it's all folks on that. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:33:58 All right, guys.

1:33:58 Drew Here's the deal.

1:34:00 Caller Call the Dateline. Sick of wasting time with the wrong person? Call the Dateline.

1:34:04 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:34:05 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:34:39 Drew Well, that's it, everybody. That's the show. God bless you for tuning in tonight. We'll have April Manson in here tomorrow night from Quinn Tuplet's new show on. I think we had Andy Richter on from that show on at Fox, right?

1:34:53 Adam I think so.

1:34:54 Caller All right.

1:34:54 Drew And then Jamie Kennedy after that. So until next time,

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Monday, September 6, 2004